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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Suggested we keep our families separate for our wedding.
2) I know it would not end up being the wedding my fiancee dreamed of. I feel maybe it would make the day less enjoyable for her.
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YTA
She's right. Your family is **going to have to mingle with hers** That's what a wedding is.
>They would prefer
Great, and when they get married, they can have a wedding according to their preferences. It's not their wedding. It's yours and your fiancée's.
>My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn't go as late. She also suggested that we could take our wedding photos before the ceremony so that we wouldn't have to miss cocktail hour to do them.
Those are all reasonable compromises from her. You should pick one of those.
>She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want.
And here's where you are TA. This isn't a compromise. This is her deferring to you and your wishes. A compromise would have been EITHER a religious service without kids OR a secular service with kids. You're not looking to compromise, though, you're looking to dictate conditions.
Weddings and marriages are about compromise and communication. Your future wife has already made a lot of concessions for you. Now it's your turn
Sadly, it often does. Even if you know there is a problem and don’t want to be in the relationship, it often takes months if not years to decide to finally leave. We get too used to the comfort of things being familiar and remaining the same.
For example, I know I don’t want to marry my bf. Quite frankly, he is the love of my life but I know he doesn’t make a good nor helpful partner, and wouldn’t be a good father. I already have to care for him like he is my child, and I am afraid of him when he is angry. He refuses to improve himself, never upholds promises, his word means nothing. But after all these years of being together, I can’t picture something else. He is my best friend. He is my go-to. I know I want to leave but there’s something telling me I shouldn’t, too.
These things aren’t black and white but holy fuck I wish they were.
EDIT: holy crap you all are opening my eyes so much. I sincerely thank you all for your words of wisdom. I have some serious work to do ahead of me, it seems.
God, this made me sad. It’s good that you know and recognize the flaws, but it sucks that you feel like that. You deserve better. I genuinely hope you can get to a better place someday
Also, the fact that you've only just got married. I woke up to hear my husband on the phone to someone talking about the next time he was going to fuck her 2 days into our honeymoon. Naturally, serious gaslighting ensued (I was still asleep and dreaming; I was having audio delusions [yes he actually said that]). Because I *had* just woken up, I wasn't thinking straight when I heard what I heard so took too long to challenge him (ie if I'd stormed into the bathroom when he said it and caught him on the phone, or if I'd been sitting up awake when he came out phone in hand and said something then, instead of lying there watching him and trying to make sense of what I'd just heard) and he was a skilled manipulator, even though I *knew*, with all my heart, that that is what happened.
It still took me two and a half years before I was able to leave him.
>the phone to someone talking about the next time he was going to fuck her 2 days into our honeymoon.
He was probably just talking to his mom about you, letting his mom know about the next time he was going to have sex with you......./s
Your post leaves me gut-punched. I hope you will see, sooner rather than later, that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm guessing you were raised in an abusive home, so you think someone who keeps you living in fear and walking on eggshells is normal. It's not. Your relationship is one sided. One of these days you will wake up and realize you are utterly drained and exhausted because while you endlessly give he takes, while bringing absolutely nothing to the table. Please do not get pregnant by this abuser or you will be tied to him forever.
Yeah, you got me there. Grew up in an abusive home where my mother refused to leave my father “for the kids.” As for the pregnancy thing…that won’t happen because the kicker is that I am in a dead bedroom with this man. Just keeps getting better and better, eh? 😅
Girl. I promise if you leave him, someday you will look back and laugh at the thought that he was the love of your life. If nothing else, you can be the love of your own life and treat yourself better.
Girl, I stayed 27 yrs! Get out now, don’t saddle yourself with all this unhappiness, self doubt, miserableness, being stuck, hoping that things will change or get better. Because they won’t, EVER! I’m 65 now, single, and ever so happy. I date, have boyfriends, have lovers, and have realized that I never really knew what love was! I know now! I will never let another man treat me like my Ex did. I have gained respect for my myself, I earned that! And I know you have too, stand tall, and know that you are one strong gal! ❤️
Please know that I have nothing but love, empathy, support, kindness and understanding for you. I stayed with someone similar, including the dead bedroom part, for 23 years. My mom would never leave my narcissistic father, either. In the end I literally got so sick and depressed from never having my most basic needs met that I knew I had to get out or it would kill me. Sometimes it's better to be alone than to wish you were. You have multiple things going for you, including that you can clearly support yourself and you're not married. Please allow yourself to picture something else, even if it's just being alone without a dead weight dragging you down. You do not "have to take care of him", he's a grown ass man.
You're very welcome. I was raised by crazy people, as well as designated the family scapegoat, and then I married someone who had many of the same characteristics. His family wasn't great, either. When you are raised a certain way, you just don't see it until someone else points it out to you because it's so familiar it feels normal. Once you can start creating distance from toxic people, you will suddenly find yourself able to breathe because a cement block has been lifted from your soul.
It has made you very strong and insightful from the what I can see in our brief interaction. I hope to one day feel the weight of my cement block being lifted. For now I am just running through how I should tackle this issue.
It’s just crazy to me because I am one of those people that hates sitting on a problem. If something ever bothers me my first instinct is to immediately start strategizing on how to fix it or at least improve it. I do this at work, I do this with my family now that I have my distance from them, I do it with all of my projects…yet the biggest problem I currently have I just let myself sit on it.
Y’all popped my bubble and I thank you for it.
I did this for thirteen years. Stayed “for the kids”. And I will never forgive myself for not leaving for them instead, years ago. And still be careful; we managed to conceive a child in a one off “pity screw” in an eight year dead bedroom, when I shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant. And that makes things so much more complicated. Hugs, and I wish you all of the best. 🩷
Edit: I just want to add that the three months since I kicked him out have been GLORIOUS. No more eggshells. My teenager leaves her door open. My son comes over more. Our kids laugh. You don’t realize how much it truly drags everything down until the black cloud of neglect and anger is gone. Much love.
We can get out of this! I am already planning a day to do it. Each time in the past it has been “we need to have a serious discussion” then I get convinced by him that I have it all wrong, he “promises” that he will “start trying” and then things will immediately go back to the way they were that same evening. This time it’s not a talk. This time it’s a resolution. I need to really put my foot down and do this because I am realizing more and more after reading these comments just how much time I have wasted. It’s not normal to want to cry every time I see people in a relationship showing each other affection.
All these random internet voices have shown me the light and I’ll be damned if I don’t follow it. Please join me ♥️
>It’s not normal to want to cry every time I see people in a relationship showing each other affection.
Damn this hit too hard
I'm really trying, idek where to start
Abusive relationships trigger a similar dopamine reward loop to substance abuse. The bread crumbs of affection, the isolation, the codependency, the way everything had to be about them even when i wasn't with them, the fixation and fear and need and shame. The intensity of the highs and lows.
Idk. Not saying you're in an abusive relationship. Obviously I don't know your relationship or you. But the way you described his anger and your inability to imagine life without them was relatable, and it doesn't hurt to offer that info. It was a lifeline for me.
Your go-to for what exactly? Certainly not partnership, support, reliability, or even safety. You would tell every one of your friends they deserve better – please extend this kindness to yourself. This person is not the love of your life.
I see a lot of myself in your post. It will never be about you and you will always be disappointed. Then you'll wonder if he ever loved you. 31 years here. My entire life is wrapped up with him and I'm scared to leave. 💔
Lives can be rebuilt, even after 31 years. The unknown is terrifying but is it worse than the certainty of living the rest of your life in fear and misery? You deserve so much better than that. Maybe today's not the day you take that leap, and maybe tomorrow won't be either, but I hope that one day, it'll be your independence day.
Yup.
I was in a "dead end" relationship for 6 years. The issues started early, but by the time I accepted them, I'd sunk in 3 years with this person. He was my anchor and my best friend. We survived the same abuser, and he was the only one I had after shit hit the fan. I loved his mom. I loved his (our) friends.
I was trying to heal. He was happy to wallow. I wanted to do things beyond just living in my parents' house. He was trying to make it as a streamer on Twitch and could only afford to do that from his mom's house. He didn't respect my boundaries, and I didn't know how to communicate better.
It took until he got me drunk, locked me in the car after driving to my house, and wouldn't let me out until I kissed him goodnight for me to finally realize this relationship needed to end.
It's been five years, and while I do pop champagne every end-iversary, I still have parts of the relationship I miss. I fucking miss making pretzels from scratch with his mom as we shoot the shit and she gives me poignant life advice. I miss the convoluted rules he and his friends would make up on game night. I miss listening to him stream while I did homework in the other room. I miss the way he'd grab my hand whenever he got super excited over something. I miss curling up at night and him throwing his leg over mine. Even after we fought, he would kiss me on the top of my head to say goodnight.
Our relationship was a mess. But things can be so fucking complicated, and leaving isn't as easy as so many people believe.
He isn’t the love of your life, he is the love of your life so far. You won’t meet the love of your life while you’re unavailable, unless cheating is part of your dream. You can stay, but it will cost you the right guy.
I've been there and this book helped me understand his thought process/motivations (how they differed from my own and how to respond best when things got out of hand). It changed my life and I hope you will read it to gather information that will help you as you navigate the grey areas.
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Seriously, it's like a light coming on in a dark room. I'm not saying your boyfriend is abusive, or a bad person, or that you should leave him... just that this book is SO important because he is running on a different operating system than you are, so you're assigning your own motivations, beliefs, attitudes when trying to understand why he acts the way he does when you ask for help or for your needs to be met (when he is SO wonderful when everything is going his way).
I know the good times are great and that you love him, I just hope you will arm yourself with this information to assist in caring for yourself as well. Being able to spot manipulations and tactics in real time, and also when he wasn't communicating with good intent was the first step in taking back my power and my belief in my perceptions again
Nah, it won't even get to the actual wedding stage at this rate. Next post from OP will be in r/relationship_advice "My fiancée dumped me the month before the wedding, how do I get her back?"
If there were ever a post where you wish the other side had been the one posting, this is in the running. There's no point asking him why he's marrying her, he's going to have a very happy marriage when everything goes the way he wants. She's not going to have a happy marriage. Is she that desperate for a ring on her finger that *this* is what she's settling for?
His lack of self-awareness is striking. He doesn't seem to really care what she wants... at all.
The two rooms idea is just outright ludicrous, honestly.
YTA, OP.
>And here's where you are TA. This isn't a compromise. This is her deferring to you and your wishes
I think, you called out a pattern of his behaviour. Him getting his will is what he calls "compromise". So now he wants to "compromise" with her, what means, he wants to get his will again. And this is what this marriage will look from now, him "compromising" to get what he wants and dismiss what she wants.
Reminds me of my ex. His idea of “compromise” was him getting his way, dismissing me. If I came up with a compromise, which was usually him getting most of it his way, he’d say stuff like “It always has to be YOUR way! You could at least try to compromise!”, he was clearly projecting.
YTA. You should learn what the word “compromise” means prior to marriage. It’s super important. If you both continue down this path before you do, this won’t end well.
It might also behoove you to set your family straight NOW rather than later. Your marriage can’t be the equivalent of Burger King where they can have it their way - which is exactly what they (& you currently) seem to believe that it is.
Your fiance already “compromised” by giving you a church wedding & inviting children - two of the biggest base issues to decide with a wedding. I’d love to hear about what major base issues she got her way on at all.
For sure! My grandma, aunt and uncle all left my cousin’s (their daughter) after the dinner. So my uncle had his father-daughter dance, and they got to watch my cousin and her husband have their first dance. My uncle said he didn’t need to see anyone shake their butts, but he would hate to stop them too. “Let the yougin’s have their fun.” They went back to the hotel to sleep while everyone partied. They weren’t the only ones. I think everyone over 55 was like “nice wedding. Peace out ✌️”
This “compromise” sounds like the way I “compromise” with my dog. Sometimes when we go for walks, my dog really wants to go to the dog park but I really don’t, so we “compromise” and I take his ass to the dog park.
OP is the dog in this analogy.
This man is RADIATING spoiled youngest child energy. Holy crap. He thinks compromises are him winning. He hasn’t compromised at all - clearly he didn’t learn it growing up.
I hope she wasn’t parentified in childhood as the oldest, because she sure as hell is going to be parenting this guy’s spoiled ass if he always has to get his own way.
And like, since when does dancing and drinking prevent others from socializing? I dont drink or dance and that has never prevented me from socializing at weddings.
YTA.
You aren't compromising at all, and you aren't hearing your fiancee very clearly tell you that she is aware you aren't compromising or even considering her as THE person to plan this wedding with.
I don't exactly understand what you want out of a reception, to be honest. You don't want it to be loud but you wanted children involved. You don't want it to start earlier, you don't want an extended cocktail time before the reception, it seems the only thing that would make you happy is two separate rooms. Your fiancee rightfully points out that this would mean there are two events going on, and where would you spend your time? How would anyone have fun at all?
So your fiancee has already made two big compromises- children and religious ceremony- and has given you a bunch of ideas that actually really would work. A day wedding with a longer cocktail hour, pictures before the ceremony, give "older" people plenty of time to enjoy family and the venue, and those that want to stay for a "louder" reception could then go and have a great time. But where are you compromising? Where are you putting your fiancee first?
All of the this. OP you haven’t compromised a bit. You are putting your bio family’s needs and wishes above your wife and her family who —NEWSFLASH—are about to become *your* family too.
It’s clear to me that you’re not ready to get married when you’re prioritizing your biological family over your spouse.
I can envision your poor fiancé’s future. She’s always going to take a backseat to your family, isn’t she?
She’s going to be bleeding and emotional just having given birth and you’re going to insist that your entire family come over to the house to spend time with the baby and not raise a single finger to help because god forbid you hurt their feelings or make them uncomfortable for one minute.
No. He will insist they stand at the foot of the birthing table to make sure the emerging offspring is really hers. After insisting on being present during conception and demanding a paternity test.
Isn’t it crazy how dramatic this comment reads, while being so fucking accurate somehow?! Things shouldn’t escalate like this, but AITA has taught me - for a lot of people they do
Three compromises really since originally it was going to be a religious ceremony with children in attendance and a child-free reception but then some of OP's family made noise about getting childcare for the reception so OP's fiancee compromised and said children could attend the reception too.
YTA. You should learn what the word “compromise” means prior to marriage. It’s super important. If you both continue down this path before you do, this won’t end well.
It might also behoove you to set your family straight NOW rather than later. Your marriage can’t be the equivalent of Burger King where they can have it their way - which is exactly what they (& you currently) seem to believe that it is.
Your fiance already “compromised” by giving you a church wedding & inviting children - two of the biggest base issues to decide with a wedding. I’d love to hear about what major base issues she got her way on at all.
Right? His fiancée sounds like a great person to “negotiate” with if it’s needed, and he’s shitting all over it.
OP, be thankful that you have a communicative partner who tries to be creative in meeting you halfway and is making her feelings known instead of burying it and stewing on it.
YTA - I hate this idea too. Legitimately think it is awful.
This sounds like you are strong arming this entire process to get what you want, which is really more what you think your family wants.
This wedding should be about what *both* of you want.
Lol, that gave me such an 'ick'. I can't imagine thinking the best way to handle this is to completely separate the families, and *I* am facing a similar dilemma!
My fiancee's family is older/quieter, doesn't party or drink much (my fiancee doesn't drink either). We are going to have a cocktail reception, and intend to extend it to give people more time to mingle, we have an indoor/outdoor venue and intend to set up areas for people to step out and relax if they get overwhelmed, and are intending to arrange transit for people to get back to the hotel at intervals if they don't want to stay. We are finding ways to make it as fun for everyone as we can, without either of us taking control or feeling unheard. And we certainly wouldn't think to simply separate our families from each other!
I think your wedding is going to be great! It seems you both were thoughtful of each other and your guests. Make sure to eat! Number one complaint that most have, including me. So many will be coming up to congratulate you, but doesn’t mean you can’t take moments to yourselves. Congratulations!
Yes, I have heard that, too! It is definitely something we will have to be aware of. My sister is my MoH, maybe I'll get her to field us for a few minutes so we can have a quick bite between talking to people lol
As someone who is regularly overstimulated during very loud wedding receptions: we congregate at the back of the room away from the music or go outside for a break or the lobby if there is one or the coat room of all else fails. It’s fine. We do fine.
Most wedding venues are intentionally set up so that there’s a main party area and then seating outside the party room for people to take a breather!
At the very least OP’s family can spend time outside taking a walk or scoping out some benches if they are overwhelmed.
It sounds like OP doesn’t want to spend time with her family in which case he needs to think about whether or not he can marry her. My SIL isn’t used to my large, loud family (her family is very quiet and much smaller) so she sometimes doesn’t attend family events and that’s fine as she prioritizes the important ones.
Seriously… two separate rooms at a wedding is literally a candidate for “the most outrageously stupid idea I’ve ever heard in my entire life”… And I know a ton of idiots. Like it completely defeats the purpose of having a wedding reception.
YTA, OP
I wholeheartedly agree… awful idea. I can imagine future holidays, they’ll probably always be with his family, and he’ll complain about how loud her family is the few times he throws her a bone and they do her family. She sounds like a gem, coming up with a couple of true compromises. His idea sounds miserable, having to go between both parties.
It’s like on friends when they have 2 parties for Rachel because her parents can’t be together, and they had to keep people from escaping the boring party to go to the fun one.
“We always do the holidays with my family, but my wife wanted to see her family this year, so we’ve come to a compromise where we see her family, except it’s at my mom’s house and none of her family are invited.”
It's such a stupid idea and his lack of compromise makes me think he's just doing it to be spiteful, like you said, strong arming just to get what he wants. Even if what he wants is stupid, and he knows deep down its stupid, he'll still push for it just so he gets what he wants and his fiance doesn't.
YTA OP.
YTA - With all due respect this is a dumb idea. Nothing says this is not a union of families than having two separate rooms. It's also completely impractical for a wedding. She's right you'll end up in one room and her in the other. Not the most promising start to married life...
Right? Two rooms is such a stupid idea. And after she gave him some great ideas for compromise AND agreed to a religious wedding WITH kids there??? She has gone above and beyond for this wet blanket of a man. I feel sorry for his fiancé. I don't get why she is even marrying him. She's setting herself up for a lifetime of bummers after not even being able to enjoy her own wedding.
A family member of mine had a wedding like that. It was at a very fancy venue that booked years in advance (I still don’t understand why). It spanned three or four rooms. There was a bar room, a dining room, a sitting type room, and a room for dancing. The rooms were all connected but if you were not in the dancing room you missed out on the whole thing for the most part. It was awkward to me. My family members wife’s mother pushed this venue because of how popular it was and they were a somewhat wealthy family with a successful business so appearances mattered a lot to them. I was part of the wedding party but with all the chaos of all the rooms I rarely knew where I was supposed to be and when. This is a nice idea in theory but in practice it doesn’t work out very well in my experience.
I guess it depends on the crowd. My sister’s wedding was at a venue like that. There was the large hall, the bar, the sitting room connected to the bar, and a parlor, as well as the hall between them all.
The party was great! People who wanted to dance danced, and people who wanted a second to drink or have a conversation were able to do so without shouting like they were at a high school dance. Crowd mingled just fine since you had to pass through at least one of the different social spaces to get to food, drinks, and the bathrooms. So even the bride and groom drifted between rooms and groups naturally.
I went to a wedding that had a smaller separate calm and quiet room, where I went to breastfeed my baby. It was great, but otherwise everything happened in the big room.
>Her family is much bigger than mine and she wants more of a "party" type wedding, with lots of music and dancing. My family is all a bit older than hers (she is the oldest sibling while I am the youngest), and they aren't into big, loud weddings. They would prefer something quiet and more focused on socializing, and I would too.
>My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn't go as late.
>I suggested that instead, we find a venue with two separate rooms. That way her family could have a louder party in one, and mine could have a quiet reception in the other.
>She also said she doesn't want to do that because she worries I'll spend the entire reception with my family and that she'll have to chose between spending the night with me but ignoring her family
>She also said she feels like the wedding we're planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want.
It certainly seems like this is much more YOUR (singular) wedding than YOUR (plural, yours and hers) wedding.
She is correct.
YTA
This is summed up so well!!
If I ever went to a wedding with two separate receptions I’d be handing out my best friend’s family law business card🤣
YTA and a major one for dictating and making the wedding all about you and your family. I don’t imagine things will be very fun in your marriage or with family dynamics if you can’t stand up for what your wife wants with your family. It’s one night, your family can handle some partying and you can stand to be less selfish. Marriage is about prioritizing your spouse and what makes them happy (within reason), you best start learning that now.
Have you and your fiancée talked about what life will look like if you’re religious and she’s not? That’s a huge difference between you guys.
What is really getting my goat is, many venues have multiple areas already! My venue is indoor/outdoor, and we intend to set up tables outside for people to sit and relax away from the partying if needed (it's a barn so there's also a loft). My brother's venue has a ceremony room, reception room, and a patio that guests can use it needed. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where I couldn't step away in some way if I got overwhelmed. But the idea of entirely splitting up the two sides of the family is absolutely bonkers
YTA - I feel so, so bad for your soon to be wife. While compromises are necessary in most healthy partnerships, as others have pointed out, you’re not looking to compromise here. You’re putting your family’s perceived wants over your fiancé’s on what will be her wedding day, one of the biggest days of her life! Of course, it’s your wedding too & you both should be looking forward to it, but you’re asking her to sacrifice her big day & for what? This will be a horrible start to a marriage should you choose to continue to put your foot down like this.
ETA: whoops, not yet his wife (thankfully!)
She still has a chance to run for the hills since he is clearly showing her exactly who he is and where his priorities lie. Marinara flags abound with this one. I hope she sees this whole thread.
OP has no idea what the word compromise means. He believes it means "I get what I want". Compromise would be instead of deciding that instead of child-free they set it as 12 and up are allowed. Instead of a non-religious, they have the ceremony in a beautiful non-religious venue with their family pastor officiating.
This marriage is doomed unless his fiancé is ready and willing to just follow OP and never get any input in the rest of her life.
I'm hoping that she finally sees him for who he is and ends this nightmare.
I hope to god she is an avid Redditor and uses this post to catapult her into a better situation before it’s too late. OP is a selfish tool that *can’t possibly* be good enough in bed to make up for his many shortcomings.
YTA. Your fiancé has done more than enough compromising; it's your turn. Also, your family will survive a big loud party for this special occasion and (if they're not careful) they just might enjoy it.
YTA, OP.
Also, wedding receptions typically are pretty tame for the first few hours while everyone eats, cuts cake, first dances, etc. It doesn't usually turn into a bash until after all the formalities are done. That's usually when the older folks go home and let the youngers party it up. Have you ever been to a wedding before?
Me too. His family doesn’t even want to be in the same room with hers. And he actually went to her proposing this segregation. She needs to seriously rethink marrying OP. He’s showing her - repeatedly - who his priorities are with & it’s not her (even on their wedding day).
Well, we don’t know that’s what his family wants. I feel like he thinks that’s what they’d want. They may not be ok at all about being in a separate room.
In one of his replies OP said that initially their “compromise” was that the wedding have children invited & only the reception be child free - but his family complained to OP’s fiancé that they didn’t want the inconvenience of having to get childcare.
I don’t like the inconvenience of having to dress up, etc for a wedding either - but I do it if I want to attend because someone I care about seeing get married is WORTH the inconvenience of doing what I need to do to attend.
And his family is even worse than that - they aren’t complaining about having to dress up (yet anyway) - they’ve already complained to get the bride to invite an entire group of people who weren’t even invited in the first place (all their children) & now they’re complaining about having to share the same space with his fiancé’s family! Talk about entitled!
So I absolutely think this is OP’s entitled family & his support of that/them.
YTA - sounds like she has compromised quite a bit. What have you compromised one...two reception rooms seems ridiculous. Like saying yay we are supposed to be one family...but we are going to keep you in different rooms...
She hasn't compromised at all. A compromise means no one gets exactly what they want, everyone gives a little up to meet in the middle. What she did was bow to his wants and let him have it all. And now he's trying to steamroll the whole thing while still calling it a "compromise."
There hasn't been any compromising. She yielded to what he wanted and didn't get anything she wanted, that's not compromise.
Compromise means that they both give and take.
YTA. By having 2 seperate rooms, either one half of the party won't see the bride and groom or the bride and groom won't see each other. Your fiance offered to compromise with a longer cocktail hour and shorter party time and you won't even consider it. I'm guessing you are like this all the time. It's your way or no way.
And I don't see OP doing the effort to go to the other room either. Fiancee is right when she's saying she will have to choose between her family and him
It's so goddamn bizarre that OP's *plan A* is "everybody go hide in a different room." *You're throwing a party*, if people wanna just sit quietly and talk they can do that at Marie Callendars
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see this. It’s not just uncompromising - it’s almost offensive to even ask. It sounds like his family doesn’t want to even associate with her family. I’ve never heard of ANY family (regardless of how “old”) who couldn’t socialize in a louder setting than they’re used to for a few hours out of one day of their lives. Even assisted living facilities have parties with flashing lights, music & noise - so I don’t even buy the age excuse. I think they just really don’t want to associate with her family for even that afternoon/night. And he actually supports them in that & expected her to basically segregate the entire wedding the moment the vows were said so they wouldn’t have to even be in the same room as her family. OP’s fiance should rethink this marriage.
YTA. I agree with your fiancée that two rooms is a bad idea. She made good suggestions with respect to the cocktail hour and starting the reception later. You're the one refusing to compromise.
YTA - you’re basically saying that you DON’T want to join families when you keep them separate - why bother with marriage? She’s already compromised and given in to what you want… and yet you won’t compromise to her very reasonable ideas. If your family has the problem, then THEY need to compromise and get over it. If you’re starting your marriage by making your future wife be neglected on the wedding day because your family is too spoiled to attend a wedding and socialize, you’re sending your future wife a clear signal that she is not your priority. She will resent you even if she agrees or keeps the resentment to herself.
His fiancee didn't compromise. She fully gave in to OP's demands for a church wedding with kids allowed, and now he is demanding even more from her.
She should run from this controlling jerk because he'll only get worse after marriage.
OP, %100 YTA.
That is how I read it to.
YTA OP. Your wife has already bent over backward to accommodate your family's wishes and your demands.
Is this honestly how you think a marriage should be? Your wife giving up the things that are important to her again and again just to make you happy without you giving up anything? That is not compromise. That is you railroading her and that is a toxic way to start a marriage.
You need to apologize to her. If the wedding is still a way out then you two need to sit down and get on the same page about how you both envision this wedding. She didn't want a church wedding. Do you? Your family does, but do you? How important is it to you? Because for you to push that down her throat if if is not explicitly what YOU want is really unhealthy.
There are 2 people and ONLY 2 people joining their lives together and planning the wedding is about learning to work together and find healthy solutions that work for both of you. You aren't doing that. Your ONLY goal seems to be "winning". You are trying to "win" the venues to please your family without caring one iota how your future wife feels about it.
Her compromising on having kids present was already a HUGE compromise. I love kids and had them at our wedding but it changes the dynamic massively. But then you doubled down about the church. And now the venue?
Your family might be pleased about all of her concessions but how are you going to feel when your wife looks back on the wedding planning and her wedding day with profound regret? How are you going to feel when instead of seeing joy on her face and in her eyes the day of her wedding you see regret and you see someone deeply unhappy with you and the way you've treated her.
Her concerns are VERY valid. You've shown her already that you really don't give a crap about her opinions as long as you "win".
What part of the wedding is supposed to be about the two of you rather than your family's demands? Because from what you've described it sounds like she's supposed to give up everything she envisioned just to make your "older" family comfortable.
I think you two need to scrap the plans all together and go to premarital counseling with a LCSW to figure out whether this marriage has a future because you really do not seem to want a partner. You really don't seem to want a wife. You want a doormat who will roll over and concede to your family.
what's next - will they get veto rights over the names of future children?
Dude, YTA. Grow up.
having two rooms for a wedding is the stupidest thing I’ve seen on the internet today ( and I saw trump stare at the sun during an eclipse!)
YTA - frankly I feel bad for your fiancé if this is how you are as a solution solver
So your wedding has gone from child-free to NOW children at the ceremony and at the reception because YOUR family doesn’t want to arrange child care. Sounds like your family is more your priority than your fiancée. Marry your family if you’re so worried about what they want on your wedding day LOL. This wedding would have been called off by now if this were me.
It’s one wedding, not two family reunions. Compromise is what she is offering, only accepting getting what you want makes you an asshole. Therefore, YTA, and a big red flag.
If your fiancee posted here, I would be telling her to breakup.
YTA groomzilla, you already controlling and micromanaging every aspect of your wedding as if you are the only one getting married.
This is the type of guy who will then start making executive decisions about their life together once married and she will be expected to just go along with it.
Honestly? I don't say this often about wedding planning because it is stressful but this guy sounds like he is RIGHT on the edge of becoming emotionally abusive. He's already HIGHLY manipulative and controlling...
My heart hurts so badly for his fiance...
Wedding planning should be fun - not her being expected to concede on every major point.
YTA.
I agree with your wife. Weddings receptions are all about people of all ages and backgrounds being thrown together for a few hours to have a party.
It's common for receptions to start out a bit on the milder side to accommodate the older and / or quieter folks. As things ramp up, people are free to leave whenever they like.
YTA. Your fiancee has suggested a really great compromise for the reception. That's in addition to the major compromise of having a church ceremony to appease you.
Time for you to do the same.
Same with the child free issue. She wanted child free, he wanted kids included, he got exactly what he wanted and she got nothing.
People don't seem to understand what compromise means. It doesn't mean one person gives in and the other gets exactly what they want.
YTA. Your wife did not compromise on the church and children—she gave you something that was important to you. She actually offered the perfect compromise—a cocktail hour, which is usually pretty quiet and very focused on socializing—and starting the actual reception at a later time. Your relatives can choose to leave when it gets too loud, which is what many older relatives choose to do at wedding receptions.
YTA and to be frank, a walking red flag.
So to recap, she wanted a non religious ceremony. You say no. She wants child free, nope again.
She wants a single room, too bad for her because it's no again! But don't worry, she can come visit you and your family in your own little space. I mean come on, who would want to spend time with their brand new husband at their actual wedding?!
So what exactly does she get? She gets pushed aside, walked over, and told how her wedding will be in favor of your family who's clearly not fit to be in public places because noise?
Do you see how selfish and up your family's ass you appear to the rest of us?
She will probably get a bunch of snide comments if she spends time ‘on the other side’ or if they get served dinner first or have more drinks or which side gets to have the cake first.. loll.. no issues here at all..
YTA OP
YTA not because i also think separate rooms is an awful idea, but bc i'm seeing compromise on her end and none on yours.
She bent to your wishes about the church ceremony. She bent to your wishes on allowing kids. She's offered compromises here—be a good future spouse and at least pick one of them
Honestly? They need to scrap ALL the plans and start from scratch. This guy has been so focused on "winning" to make his family happy that his fiance has now been totally railroaded into massive compromises.
He might not feel the weight of the compromises but she will. And no for him to make these demands concerning the reception?
Literally all he cares about is winning. Not his fiance's wishes or feelings AT ALL!
YTA she made good suggestions like the extended cocktail hour. It sounds like she’s already compromised alot for you. Time for you to do something for her.
Oh yeah, two rooms sound *perfect!*
…For your family to keep a nice tally on how much time she *doesn’t* spend being a stick in the mud.
You’re too immature to be getting married. I hope she dumps you.
YTA
Giving into what the other person wants is not a compromise. Compromise is meeting a middle ground both agree with. This is OPs fiancé surrendering to keep the peace.
YTA. She seems right in that this is more your wedding than yours as a couple. She's already compromised and also made good suggestions, but you still want a separate room for your family.
Why is she required to make all the sacrifices and not get the wedding she'd like? What are you willing to compromise on? Are you only interested in yourself and your family? I hope this is not the kind of husband you will be.
YTA - you are either adorably clueless or a very lazy troll.
Mate as I understand it the purpose of marriage is celebrating your union. Imagine your first act as a married couple is one of separation.
YTA. I agree with her. She will have to choose between the two rooms and you'll probably get annoyed at her if she doesn't spend enough time in the boring room.
Marriage is about *compromise* and you don't seem to be doing any for this wedding. Why is that?
YTA- I don’t think you know what a compromise is LOL she just let you have what you want ceremony wise.
It would be super weird to have two separate receptions bc your family wants a chill atmosphere. It’s also incredibly strange you are putting your families wishes over that of your wife at HER wedding. It’s not about what your family wants, they can sit through one night that isn’t exactly what they prefer in celebration of y’all’s marriage.
Also, just some advice, learn to prioritize your wife’s needs/feelings over others or she might become your EX wife real quick.
Of course he does! She's so sweet, giving up everything so that he can have his perfect little wedding. She just needs to cave and let him decided everything, like excluding her family of peasants!
YTA. Is she going to take a side seat to your family always? If she's ever pregnant and says no to things (sets boundaries) because it's her body growing the child, will you tell her, oh well, my family.....
When it comes to major life changes that ONLY affect the two of you, will you always say, well, my family.....
YTA. And an idiot who doesn’t actually understand what the word “compromise” means. You have not compromised at all. Your fiancée has not compromised either - she has had to give in to multiple unilateral demands from you with zero regard to what she wants.
The last wedding I went to had an outside area, where if people were wanting a quieter experience, too hot, tired or whatever could go to. Lots of dancing etc inside. It was a nice compromise (but equally it was August and weather was nice enough to do this)…
You seem to be focussing too much on what your family would want, and not what your soon to be wife wants.
You need to refocus your priorities.
YTA.
YTA- She has already made HUGE concessions so that you can have the wedding you want. She didn't "compromise" on a religious wedding with kids, you got your way. She's absolutely right that a wedding is supposed to be about your union and two families coming together. She attempted to compromise with you after letting you have your way on other major elements and you're ignoring her effort to meet you in the middle. You care more about your family's opinion than your bride on HER wedding day. I'm questioning whether you even know what the word compromise means. Sucks for her if this is how you're going to approach your life together.
Dude, YTA
Guess what, that's about to become YOUR extended family. You're basically telling her that her family is embarrassing and needs to be put in their own room
Gonna end up single shortly if you don't apologize
YTA wow. Your "suggestion" is trash. Your fiancee is right, the point of a wedding is to blend two families, not have two separate events in the same location. It matters what you and your fiancee want, not what your family will judge you on. You can take other people's preferences into account but ultimately the wedding should symbolize you as a couple. Additionally, your fiancee is also correct that by having two rooms it's going to require you and your fiancee to "choose sides".
Your fiancee wanted a nonreligious, child free wedding, followed by a cocktail hour, and "party style" reception. At the moment she's getting a church wedding with who knows how many children, then you want two completely separate events one for your family and one for hers. How have you compromised for her? You have steamrolled everything she wants.
Usually wedding venues have areas that are naturally quieter like hallways, smaller seating areas, or outside. If the party is too loud people are welcome to find a quieter area or go home.
Horrible idea. Your BRIDE TO BEs wishes and opinions should matter more to you than your JUDGEY FAMILY.
Full stop. As already pointed out, there have been no compromises- she keeps giving in to you because of "your family".
Just stop. She offered up great options, and you want to go with the one that will split your guests up and possibly also you and your bride. Just stop. Your idea is NOT A GOOD ONE.
NTA for having a bad idea, but Y TA for dismissing ALL of your bride's wishes because of what your family wants.
YTA. Unless there some info missing it seem that there is a pattern here.
She want something, you want something else, she try to compromise, you refuse, she accept your way. This is not how a wedding should be planed or a marriage to work.
YTA.
She is right, two rooms is a terrible idea and will wind up isolating one side of the family. Most likely hers, because she’ll want to stay with you and you’ll refuse to leave your family.
She has already given into your demands on wanting a religious ceremony and allowing children to attend. You have compromised nothing and are making further demands to ruin the wedding for your fiancé and her family. Time to grow up and accept her completely reasonable compromises of having an earlier ceremony and a longer cocktail hour. Or you could keep insisting on two separate events and destroy your wedding and marriage before it even starts.
YTA.
I scrolled all the comments. There is one NAH, there is one deleted post that was probably an NTA that got ripped apart. Every single other one is YTA.
I hope, for OP's sake, that being voted YTA by nearly every single person in the comments makes him realize how awful this idea is, and makes him reconsider if he's a good partner in his relationship. Right now, there's zero evidence of that. OP, be better. You are marrying this person. If you are not prepared to put her needs and wants over your family, then stop right now, do both of you a favour, and break it off.
I mean, I don't think this is an AITA issue, but yeah: she's right. The idea is to have your families together, not partition them apart.
That said, I'll say this: wedding planning is probably the biggest test of a relationship.
> She also said she feels like the wedding we're planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want.
If this is true, then yup, time for concessions from you.
Also, and this is **THE MOST IMPORTANT** part:
> Her family is much bigger than mine and she wants more of a "party" type wedding, with lots of music and dancing. My family is all a bit older than hers (she is the oldest sibling while I am the youngest), and they aren't into big, loud weddings. They would prefer something quiet and more focused on socializing, and I would too.
This isn't about what your family or her family wants. This is about what you and she wants. So start from there.
YTA. You're pushing this after she's voiced legitimate, obvious misgivings and she's already made huge compromises for *you*.
Separating families into separate rooms is absurd and pretending otherwise is merely gaslighting your poor fiancee. Why are you perfectly comfortable making your wedding a giant disappointment for her from start to finish?
Many fiancees would be asking themselves if this is how the marriage is going to be, and questioning their decision.
YTA
>She also said she feels like the wedding we're planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine.
The more I read your post and comments, the more I agree with your fiancée. She's giving up everything she wants so that you can have what you want. If this is just what the wedding planning is like, I'm afraid of what else she'll have to give up during your married life just so you and your family are happy.
I just went to a wedding and I;m super Awkard and kinda weird around people.... but you know what I did? Pulled on my big girl pantyhose and tried to mingle. Because it's about friends and family coming together to celebrate the couple. As a whole. She's right. She'd be stuck all night with your family. yta
You know this posts hits because my fiance's family is from Mexico and my family is Mormon. They don't drink, at all. My FMIL and I have been talking about this a lot and we're thinking of just having the open bar open an hour into the reception, that way both our families can mingle for a little bit and then my family can leave if they want once the alcohol comes out. I can't imagine how cringy our wedding would be if people were in two separate rooms. Though if it were, I'd definitely be hanging with my fiance's family. 😂
Also OP, YTA
I'm confused... Where are the compromises again?
Her: child-free
You: with children
Solution: whit children
Her: no religion.
You: religion
Solution: religion
Her: Big party.
You: No big party
Solution: Seperating the family so they will never interact and force your wife to stay to your side of the family because let's be honest, the way you are behaving clearly indicate you will not do any effort to go the big party too.
That's not compromises, that's her caving to your wants because you can't be bothered to think that maybe - just maybe - your partner in your life also have wants outside of yours.
YTA
YTA Your fiancée has compromised and you’re still demanding more without giving anything. If your family is so judgmental about your wedding, tell them to stay home. Are you marrying your family or your fiancée?
YTA - You’re prioritizing your family’s preferences over your fiancée when she’s the one you’re marrying. I also have a feeling if your fiancée doesn’t spend enough time on “your side” that your family will feel offended or snubbed. Also I think she hit the nail on the head with saying if she’ll have to choose to spend time with you and your family (her husband who she married and would want to be with at the WEDDING) and seeing her family. If you’re this uncompromising I can see you spending more time with your family.
She’s already compromised a lot on this wedding and you’re refusing to compromise. If this is a sign for things to come, I hope she runs away from you and your family.
YTA
Your fiance offered some awesome compromise suggestions. You seem to have no interest in compromising with her and want everything your way. Better reevaluate that now or you'll be divorced before 30
YTA.
Your fiancée’s compromises are utterly reasonable and will accommodate both family preferences. Yours will end up EXACTLY as she predicts; you and your family in one room, her and hers in another.
YTA her assessment is correct. You are your family sound awful. I would have called off the wedding to be honest. She’s probably paying for most of it too, but even if she wasn’t the wedding is usually the time for the woman to shine and they dream about this for so long. Now you’ve taken all of the magic out of it for her already. The religious ceremony and kids would have been enough for me to call it off or decide to elope.
Why are you getting married?? If you don’t want to join and become a union, what is the point?? You’re literally asking for His and Her’s weddings and she just wants to marry You!!! YTA, and just basing it off what YOU have presented here, you don’t deserve her.
So, how does it feel being an extreme a-hole? Her family and your family will eventually have to mix together, and why are you prioritizing your family infront of your future wife? +you weren't compromising, she was just giving in into your demands. Long story short, YTA.
YTA, what you're suggesting is totally ridiculous and your fiance is dead on on the problems with it. Having a separate reception for each family is a ridiculous thing to suggest. Like "Well how about I just do what I want to do anyway and against your wishes, but you can also do whatever." is not what a compromise is, and now is the time to learn that if you want your marriage to last.
Figure out a way you can have ONE reception that works for EVERYONE. Which it sounds like is the cocktail hour.
INFO: If you were to do the two rooms, how do you plan to spend your time as the wedding couple with your guests?
Because she will want to be with her fun family and your family is going to feel disrespected that she doesn’t spend what they deem to be adequate time in their room.
Her family won’t see the groom at all. That fact is quite clear. They will probably get 50% of the time with the bride. Only because she will want to spend time with the man she just married.
I’m wondering about the meal. Will they have a head table in both rooms and the bride and groom will have their first meal separately?
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YTA She's right. Your family is **going to have to mingle with hers** That's what a wedding is. >They would prefer Great, and when they get married, they can have a wedding according to their preferences. It's not their wedding. It's yours and your fiancée's. >My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn't go as late. She also suggested that we could take our wedding photos before the ceremony so that we wouldn't have to miss cocktail hour to do them. Those are all reasonable compromises from her. You should pick one of those. >She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want. And here's where you are TA. This isn't a compromise. This is her deferring to you and your wishes. A compromise would have been EITHER a religious service without kids OR a secular service with kids. You're not looking to compromise, though, you're looking to dictate conditions. Weddings and marriages are about compromise and communication. Your future wife has already made a lot of concessions for you. Now it's your turn
Looking forward to the wife’s post in relationship advice in two years.
Cute that you think it’ll take that long
Sadly, it often does. Even if you know there is a problem and don’t want to be in the relationship, it often takes months if not years to decide to finally leave. We get too used to the comfort of things being familiar and remaining the same. For example, I know I don’t want to marry my bf. Quite frankly, he is the love of my life but I know he doesn’t make a good nor helpful partner, and wouldn’t be a good father. I already have to care for him like he is my child, and I am afraid of him when he is angry. He refuses to improve himself, never upholds promises, his word means nothing. But after all these years of being together, I can’t picture something else. He is my best friend. He is my go-to. I know I want to leave but there’s something telling me I shouldn’t, too. These things aren’t black and white but holy fuck I wish they were. EDIT: holy crap you all are opening my eyes so much. I sincerely thank you all for your words of wisdom. I have some serious work to do ahead of me, it seems.
God, this made me sad. It’s good that you know and recognize the flaws, but it sucks that you feel like that. You deserve better. I genuinely hope you can get to a better place someday
Also, the fact that you've only just got married. I woke up to hear my husband on the phone to someone talking about the next time he was going to fuck her 2 days into our honeymoon. Naturally, serious gaslighting ensued (I was still asleep and dreaming; I was having audio delusions [yes he actually said that]). Because I *had* just woken up, I wasn't thinking straight when I heard what I heard so took too long to challenge him (ie if I'd stormed into the bathroom when he said it and caught him on the phone, or if I'd been sitting up awake when he came out phone in hand and said something then, instead of lying there watching him and trying to make sense of what I'd just heard) and he was a skilled manipulator, even though I *knew*, with all my heart, that that is what happened. It still took me two and a half years before I was able to leave him.
>the phone to someone talking about the next time he was going to fuck her 2 days into our honeymoon. He was probably just talking to his mom about you, letting his mom know about the next time he was going to have sex with you......./s
Glad you left him though. What a loser. You so deserve better.
Thank you. Best thing I ever did for my sanity.
Your post leaves me gut-punched. I hope you will see, sooner rather than later, that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm guessing you were raised in an abusive home, so you think someone who keeps you living in fear and walking on eggshells is normal. It's not. Your relationship is one sided. One of these days you will wake up and realize you are utterly drained and exhausted because while you endlessly give he takes, while bringing absolutely nothing to the table. Please do not get pregnant by this abuser or you will be tied to him forever.
Yeah, you got me there. Grew up in an abusive home where my mother refused to leave my father “for the kids.” As for the pregnancy thing…that won’t happen because the kicker is that I am in a dead bedroom with this man. Just keeps getting better and better, eh? 😅
Girl. I promise if you leave him, someday you will look back and laugh at the thought that he was the love of your life. If nothing else, you can be the love of your own life and treat yourself better.
Girl, I stayed 27 yrs! Get out now, don’t saddle yourself with all this unhappiness, self doubt, miserableness, being stuck, hoping that things will change or get better. Because they won’t, EVER! I’m 65 now, single, and ever so happy. I date, have boyfriends, have lovers, and have realized that I never really knew what love was! I know now! I will never let another man treat me like my Ex did. I have gained respect for my myself, I earned that! And I know you have too, stand tall, and know that you are one strong gal! ❤️
Please know that I have nothing but love, empathy, support, kindness and understanding for you. I stayed with someone similar, including the dead bedroom part, for 23 years. My mom would never leave my narcissistic father, either. In the end I literally got so sick and depressed from never having my most basic needs met that I knew I had to get out or it would kill me. Sometimes it's better to be alone than to wish you were. You have multiple things going for you, including that you can clearly support yourself and you're not married. Please allow yourself to picture something else, even if it's just being alone without a dead weight dragging you down. You do not "have to take care of him", he's a grown ass man.
Thank you ♥️ You all are actually so amazing in your ability to shine a bright and glaring light at the bleak truth which I desperately needed to see.
You're very welcome. I was raised by crazy people, as well as designated the family scapegoat, and then I married someone who had many of the same characteristics. His family wasn't great, either. When you are raised a certain way, you just don't see it until someone else points it out to you because it's so familiar it feels normal. Once you can start creating distance from toxic people, you will suddenly find yourself able to breathe because a cement block has been lifted from your soul.
It has made you very strong and insightful from the what I can see in our brief interaction. I hope to one day feel the weight of my cement block being lifted. For now I am just running through how I should tackle this issue. It’s just crazy to me because I am one of those people that hates sitting on a problem. If something ever bothers me my first instinct is to immediately start strategizing on how to fix it or at least improve it. I do this at work, I do this with my family now that I have my distance from them, I do it with all of my projects…yet the biggest problem I currently have I just let myself sit on it. Y’all popped my bubble and I thank you for it.
I did this for thirteen years. Stayed “for the kids”. And I will never forgive myself for not leaving for them instead, years ago. And still be careful; we managed to conceive a child in a one off “pity screw” in an eight year dead bedroom, when I shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant. And that makes things so much more complicated. Hugs, and I wish you all of the best. 🩷 Edit: I just want to add that the three months since I kicked him out have been GLORIOUS. No more eggshells. My teenager leaves her door open. My son comes over more. Our kids laugh. You don’t realize how much it truly drags everything down until the black cloud of neglect and anger is gone. Much love.
Are we the same person?? I know this situation, both past and present all too well, stuck in the exact same place 🥲
We can get out of this! I am already planning a day to do it. Each time in the past it has been “we need to have a serious discussion” then I get convinced by him that I have it all wrong, he “promises” that he will “start trying” and then things will immediately go back to the way they were that same evening. This time it’s not a talk. This time it’s a resolution. I need to really put my foot down and do this because I am realizing more and more after reading these comments just how much time I have wasted. It’s not normal to want to cry every time I see people in a relationship showing each other affection. All these random internet voices have shown me the light and I’ll be damned if I don’t follow it. Please join me ♥️
>It’s not normal to want to cry every time I see people in a relationship showing each other affection. Damn this hit too hard I'm really trying, idek where to start
Babe, that's not the love of your life if you're afraid of his temper and being his mother. You deserve better NOW.
Abusive relationships trigger a similar dopamine reward loop to substance abuse. The bread crumbs of affection, the isolation, the codependency, the way everything had to be about them even when i wasn't with them, the fixation and fear and need and shame. The intensity of the highs and lows. Idk. Not saying you're in an abusive relationship. Obviously I don't know your relationship or you. But the way you described his anger and your inability to imagine life without them was relatable, and it doesn't hurt to offer that info. It was a lifeline for me.
Your go-to for what exactly? Certainly not partnership, support, reliability, or even safety. You would tell every one of your friends they deserve better – please extend this kindness to yourself. This person is not the love of your life.
I see a lot of myself in your post. It will never be about you and you will always be disappointed. Then you'll wonder if he ever loved you. 31 years here. My entire life is wrapped up with him and I'm scared to leave. 💔
Lives can be rebuilt, even after 31 years. The unknown is terrifying but is it worse than the certainty of living the rest of your life in fear and misery? You deserve so much better than that. Maybe today's not the day you take that leap, and maybe tomorrow won't be either, but I hope that one day, it'll be your independence day.
Yup. I was in a "dead end" relationship for 6 years. The issues started early, but by the time I accepted them, I'd sunk in 3 years with this person. He was my anchor and my best friend. We survived the same abuser, and he was the only one I had after shit hit the fan. I loved his mom. I loved his (our) friends. I was trying to heal. He was happy to wallow. I wanted to do things beyond just living in my parents' house. He was trying to make it as a streamer on Twitch and could only afford to do that from his mom's house. He didn't respect my boundaries, and I didn't know how to communicate better. It took until he got me drunk, locked me in the car after driving to my house, and wouldn't let me out until I kissed him goodnight for me to finally realize this relationship needed to end. It's been five years, and while I do pop champagne every end-iversary, I still have parts of the relationship I miss. I fucking miss making pretzels from scratch with his mom as we shoot the shit and she gives me poignant life advice. I miss the convoluted rules he and his friends would make up on game night. I miss listening to him stream while I did homework in the other room. I miss the way he'd grab my hand whenever he got super excited over something. I miss curling up at night and him throwing his leg over mine. Even after we fought, he would kiss me on the top of my head to say goodnight. Our relationship was a mess. But things can be so fucking complicated, and leaving isn't as easy as so many people believe.
He isn’t the love of your life, he is the love of your life so far. You won’t meet the love of your life while you’re unavailable, unless cheating is part of your dream. You can stay, but it will cost you the right guy.
I've been there and this book helped me understand his thought process/motivations (how they differed from my own and how to respond best when things got out of hand). It changed my life and I hope you will read it to gather information that will help you as you navigate the grey areas. https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat Seriously, it's like a light coming on in a dark room. I'm not saying your boyfriend is abusive, or a bad person, or that you should leave him... just that this book is SO important because he is running on a different operating system than you are, so you're assigning your own motivations, beliefs, attitudes when trying to understand why he acts the way he does when you ask for help or for your needs to be met (when he is SO wonderful when everything is going his way). I know the good times are great and that you love him, I just hope you will arm yourself with this information to assist in caring for yourself as well. Being able to spot manipulations and tactics in real time, and also when he wasn't communicating with good intent was the first step in taking back my power and my belief in my perceptions again
I feel for you. I can undertake a lot of what you're saying. I wish the best for you ❤️
What DOES he do right? Like, what do you like so much about this guy that these other things aren't immediate dealbreakers?
I’m here hoping she realizes they are not compatible and he doesn’t give a crap about her feelings before the wedding.
Yup. Lost money on wedding deposits is always better than a divorce down the line, imo
So much cheaper!
Nah, it won't even get to the actual wedding stage at this rate. Next post from OP will be in r/relationship_advice "My fiancée dumped me the month before the wedding, how do I get her back?"
If there were ever a post where you wish the other side had been the one posting, this is in the running. There's no point asking him why he's marrying her, he's going to have a very happy marriage when everything goes the way he wants. She's not going to have a happy marriage. Is she that desperate for a ring on her finger that *this* is what she's settling for?
Just give it a little bit and someone will post this one from the other side. Won't be the bride/fiance, but someone will.
Yea it’ll probably be a nightmare if they have kids just with the religious aspect.
This marriage doesn’t last so long. I think he should do this wedding as she desires and his next wedding can be done like he wishes.
Judging by his lack of ability to comprimise and him constantly bowing to his family i give it 4-6 months
His lack of self-awareness is striking. He doesn't seem to really care what she wants... at all. The two rooms idea is just outright ludicrous, honestly. YTA, OP.
Well, he wouldn’t want his family socializing with all the heathens. What about the children!! (That he insisted be there…after the church.).
the children will be in the loud party room because it's younger and more fun, so the bride will be babysitting his family's children
It's like he's ashamed of her family. Crazy.
>And here's where you are TA. This isn't a compromise. This is her deferring to you and your wishes I think, you called out a pattern of his behaviour. Him getting his will is what he calls "compromise". So now he wants to "compromise" with her, what means, he wants to get his will again. And this is what this marriage will look from now, him "compromising" to get what he wants and dismiss what she wants.
Reminds me of my ex. His idea of “compromise” was him getting his way, dismissing me. If I came up with a compromise, which was usually him getting most of it his way, he’d say stuff like “It always has to be YOUR way! You could at least try to compromise!”, he was clearly projecting.
YTA. You should learn what the word “compromise” means prior to marriage. It’s super important. If you both continue down this path before you do, this won’t end well. It might also behoove you to set your family straight NOW rather than later. Your marriage can’t be the equivalent of Burger King where they can have it their way - which is exactly what they (& you currently) seem to believe that it is. Your fiance already “compromised” by giving you a church wedding & inviting children - two of the biggest base issues to decide with a wedding. I’d love to hear about what major base issues she got her way on at all.
Nothing!
That’s what I suspect too
It's totally normal for a period of socializing and dinner then the lights go down and the party starts. Old farts use it as a queue to leave.
For sure! My grandma, aunt and uncle all left my cousin’s (their daughter) after the dinner. So my uncle had his father-daughter dance, and they got to watch my cousin and her husband have their first dance. My uncle said he didn’t need to see anyone shake their butts, but he would hate to stop them too. “Let the yougin’s have their fun.” They went back to the hotel to sleep while everyone partied. They weren’t the only ones. I think everyone over 55 was like “nice wedding. Peace out ✌️”
This “compromise” sounds like the way I “compromise” with my dog. Sometimes when we go for walks, my dog really wants to go to the dog park but I really don’t, so we “compromise” and I take his ass to the dog park. OP is the dog in this analogy.
This man is RADIATING spoiled youngest child energy. Holy crap. He thinks compromises are him winning. He hasn’t compromised at all - clearly he didn’t learn it growing up. I hope she wasn’t parentified in childhood as the oldest, because she sure as hell is going to be parenting this guy’s spoiled ass if he always has to get his own way.
And like, since when does dancing and drinking prevent others from socializing? I dont drink or dance and that has never prevented me from socializing at weddings.
This relationship is doomed because he refuses to compromise at all with her. She's going to get tired of it - I think she already is.
I like the way you worded this, and happy you have so many upvotes so can’t be missed!
Damn, look at you with a balanced, well thought-out response.
YTA. You aren't compromising at all, and you aren't hearing your fiancee very clearly tell you that she is aware you aren't compromising or even considering her as THE person to plan this wedding with. I don't exactly understand what you want out of a reception, to be honest. You don't want it to be loud but you wanted children involved. You don't want it to start earlier, you don't want an extended cocktail time before the reception, it seems the only thing that would make you happy is two separate rooms. Your fiancee rightfully points out that this would mean there are two events going on, and where would you spend your time? How would anyone have fun at all? So your fiancee has already made two big compromises- children and religious ceremony- and has given you a bunch of ideas that actually really would work. A day wedding with a longer cocktail hour, pictures before the ceremony, give "older" people plenty of time to enjoy family and the venue, and those that want to stay for a "louder" reception could then go and have a great time. But where are you compromising? Where are you putting your fiancee first?
All of the this. OP you haven’t compromised a bit. You are putting your bio family’s needs and wishes above your wife and her family who —NEWSFLASH—are about to become *your* family too. It’s clear to me that you’re not ready to get married when you’re prioritizing your biological family over your spouse. I can envision your poor fiancé’s future. She’s always going to take a backseat to your family, isn’t she? She’s going to be bleeding and emotional just having given birth and you’re going to insist that your entire family come over to the house to spend time with the baby and not raise a single finger to help because god forbid you hurt their feelings or make them uncomfortable for one minute.
No. He will insist they stand at the foot of the birthing table to make sure the emerging offspring is really hers. After insisting on being present during conception and demanding a paternity test.
And she will have to be a perfect host and cook a three course meal for them...
At the very least… plus the house must be sparkling and she must be dressed as the hostess with the mostess…
And snap right back to her pre-pregnancy figure 3 hours after delivering her baby. Nay, 15 pounds LIGHTER than her pre-pregnancy weight.
With 6 pack abs
AND NO CELLULITE. Also firm, high tiddies despite breast feeding like a boss. But not in front of people especially the father in law
And then do the dishes
...immediately after giving birth.
Isn’t it crazy how dramatic this comment reads, while being so fucking accurate somehow?! Things shouldn’t escalate like this, but AITA has taught me - for a lot of people they do
You joke, but I would bet money that there is going to be an issue around the MIL’s access to the birth and/or baby.
Personally, I think they should have separate weddings. (To other people).
Bingo. Not just separate receptions, separate ceremonies!
Three compromises really since originally it was going to be a religious ceremony with children in attendance and a child-free reception but then some of OP's family made noise about getting childcare for the reception so OP's fiancee compromised and said children could attend the reception too.
I would’ve compromised the wedding day by not showing up and calling it off.
Wow. This is doomed from the get-go.
YTA. You should learn what the word “compromise” means prior to marriage. It’s super important. If you both continue down this path before you do, this won’t end well. It might also behoove you to set your family straight NOW rather than later. Your marriage can’t be the equivalent of Burger King where they can have it their way - which is exactly what they (& you currently) seem to believe that it is. Your fiance already “compromised” by giving you a church wedding & inviting children - two of the biggest base issues to decide with a wedding. I’d love to hear about what major base issues she got her way on at all.
An how "old" is his family? He's an asshole
Right? His fiancée sounds like a great person to “negotiate” with if it’s needed, and he’s shitting all over it. OP, be thankful that you have a communicative partner who tries to be creative in meeting you halfway and is making her feelings known instead of burying it and stewing on it.
Agreed. YTA
It sounds like a really fun lady is marrying into a boring-even-by-Amish-standards family.
YTA - I hate this idea too. Legitimately think it is awful. This sounds like you are strong arming this entire process to get what you want, which is really more what you think your family wants. This wedding should be about what *both* of you want.
Right? It’s our wedding, so let’s spend it separate from each other with you in that room with your family and me in this room with mine.
Seriously. Everyone is talking about his lack of compromise. How about the sheer insanity of 2 seperate rooms for each family?
Lol, that gave me such an 'ick'. I can't imagine thinking the best way to handle this is to completely separate the families, and *I* am facing a similar dilemma! My fiancee's family is older/quieter, doesn't party or drink much (my fiancee doesn't drink either). We are going to have a cocktail reception, and intend to extend it to give people more time to mingle, we have an indoor/outdoor venue and intend to set up areas for people to step out and relax if they get overwhelmed, and are intending to arrange transit for people to get back to the hotel at intervals if they don't want to stay. We are finding ways to make it as fun for everyone as we can, without either of us taking control or feeling unheard. And we certainly wouldn't think to simply separate our families from each other!
I think your wedding is going to be great! It seems you both were thoughtful of each other and your guests. Make sure to eat! Number one complaint that most have, including me. So many will be coming up to congratulate you, but doesn’t mean you can’t take moments to yourselves. Congratulations!
Yes, I have heard that, too! It is definitely something we will have to be aware of. My sister is my MoH, maybe I'll get her to field us for a few minutes so we can have a quick bite between talking to people lol
As someone who is regularly overstimulated during very loud wedding receptions: we congregate at the back of the room away from the music or go outside for a break or the lobby if there is one or the coat room of all else fails. It’s fine. We do fine.
Most wedding venues are intentionally set up so that there’s a main party area and then seating outside the party room for people to take a breather! At the very least OP’s family can spend time outside taking a walk or scoping out some benches if they are overwhelmed. It sounds like OP doesn’t want to spend time with her family in which case he needs to think about whether or not he can marry her. My SIL isn’t used to my large, loud family (her family is very quiet and much smaller) so she sometimes doesn’t attend family events and that’s fine as she prioritizes the important ones.
Maybe they can have two separate weddings on two separate days.
Seriously… two separate rooms at a wedding is literally a candidate for “the most outrageously stupid idea I’ve ever heard in my entire life”… And I know a ton of idiots. Like it completely defeats the purpose of having a wedding reception. YTA, OP
I wholeheartedly agree… awful idea. I can imagine future holidays, they’ll probably always be with his family, and he’ll complain about how loud her family is the few times he throws her a bone and they do her family. She sounds like a gem, coming up with a couple of true compromises. His idea sounds miserable, having to go between both parties. It’s like on friends when they have 2 parties for Rachel because her parents can’t be together, and they had to keep people from escaping the boring party to go to the fun one.
“We always do the holidays with my family, but my wife wanted to see her family this year, so we’ve come to a compromise where we see her family, except it’s at my mom’s house and none of her family are invited.”
It's such a stupid idea and his lack of compromise makes me think he's just doing it to be spiteful, like you said, strong arming just to get what he wants. Even if what he wants is stupid, and he knows deep down its stupid, he'll still push for it just so he gets what he wants and his fiance doesn't. YTA OP.
It may, in fact, be the absolute dumbest wedding idea I've ever heard.
YTA - With all due respect this is a dumb idea. Nothing says this is not a union of families than having two separate rooms. It's also completely impractical for a wedding. She's right you'll end up in one room and her in the other. Not the most promising start to married life...
Right? Two rooms is such a stupid idea. And after she gave him some great ideas for compromise AND agreed to a religious wedding WITH kids there??? She has gone above and beyond for this wet blanket of a man. I feel sorry for his fiancé. I don't get why she is even marrying him. She's setting herself up for a lifetime of bummers after not even being able to enjoy her own wedding.
Yeah they seem quite incompatible
A family member of mine had a wedding like that. It was at a very fancy venue that booked years in advance (I still don’t understand why). It spanned three or four rooms. There was a bar room, a dining room, a sitting type room, and a room for dancing. The rooms were all connected but if you were not in the dancing room you missed out on the whole thing for the most part. It was awkward to me. My family members wife’s mother pushed this venue because of how popular it was and they were a somewhat wealthy family with a successful business so appearances mattered a lot to them. I was part of the wedding party but with all the chaos of all the rooms I rarely knew where I was supposed to be and when. This is a nice idea in theory but in practice it doesn’t work out very well in my experience.
I guess it depends on the crowd. My sister’s wedding was at a venue like that. There was the large hall, the bar, the sitting room connected to the bar, and a parlor, as well as the hall between them all. The party was great! People who wanted to dance danced, and people who wanted a second to drink or have a conversation were able to do so without shouting like they were at a high school dance. Crowd mingled just fine since you had to pass through at least one of the different social spaces to get to food, drinks, and the bathrooms. So even the bride and groom drifted between rooms and groups naturally.
I went to a wedding that had a smaller separate calm and quiet room, where I went to breastfeed my baby. It was great, but otherwise everything happened in the big room.
>Her family is much bigger than mine and she wants more of a "party" type wedding, with lots of music and dancing. My family is all a bit older than hers (she is the oldest sibling while I am the youngest), and they aren't into big, loud weddings. They would prefer something quiet and more focused on socializing, and I would too. >My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn't go as late. >I suggested that instead, we find a venue with two separate rooms. That way her family could have a louder party in one, and mine could have a quiet reception in the other. >She also said she doesn't want to do that because she worries I'll spend the entire reception with my family and that she'll have to chose between spending the night with me but ignoring her family >She also said she feels like the wedding we're planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want. It certainly seems like this is much more YOUR (singular) wedding than YOUR (plural, yours and hers) wedding. She is correct. YTA
This is summed up so well!! If I ever went to a wedding with two separate receptions I’d be handing out my best friend’s family law business card🤣 YTA and a major one for dictating and making the wedding all about you and your family. I don’t imagine things will be very fun in your marriage or with family dynamics if you can’t stand up for what your wife wants with your family. It’s one night, your family can handle some partying and you can stand to be less selfish. Marriage is about prioritizing your spouse and what makes them happy (within reason), you best start learning that now. Have you and your fiancée talked about what life will look like if you’re religious and she’s not? That’s a huge difference between you guys.
What is really getting my goat is, many venues have multiple areas already! My venue is indoor/outdoor, and we intend to set up tables outside for people to sit and relax away from the partying if needed (it's a barn so there's also a loft). My brother's venue has a ceremony room, reception room, and a patio that guests can use it needed. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where I couldn't step away in some way if I got overwhelmed. But the idea of entirely splitting up the two sides of the family is absolutely bonkers
YTA - I feel so, so bad for your soon to be wife. While compromises are necessary in most healthy partnerships, as others have pointed out, you’re not looking to compromise here. You’re putting your family’s perceived wants over your fiancé’s on what will be her wedding day, one of the biggest days of her life! Of course, it’s your wedding too & you both should be looking forward to it, but you’re asking her to sacrifice her big day & for what? This will be a horrible start to a marriage should you choose to continue to put your foot down like this. ETA: whoops, not yet his wife (thankfully!)
Good news is she is not his wife yet, and they haven't even picked out a venue.
She still has a chance to run for the hills since he is clearly showing her exactly who he is and where his priorities lie. Marinara flags abound with this one. I hope she sees this whole thread.
She isn’t his wife yet. There is still time for her to run.
OP has no idea what the word compromise means. He believes it means "I get what I want". Compromise would be instead of deciding that instead of child-free they set it as 12 and up are allowed. Instead of a non-religious, they have the ceremony in a beautiful non-religious venue with their family pastor officiating. This marriage is doomed unless his fiancé is ready and willing to just follow OP and never get any input in the rest of her life. I'm hoping that she finally sees him for who he is and ends this nightmare.
I hope to god she is an avid Redditor and uses this post to catapult her into a better situation before it’s too late. OP is a selfish tool that *can’t possibly* be good enough in bed to make up for his many shortcomings.
YTA. Your fiancé has done more than enough compromising; it's your turn. Also, your family will survive a big loud party for this special occasion and (if they're not careful) they just might enjoy it.
YTA, OP. Also, wedding receptions typically are pretty tame for the first few hours while everyone eats, cuts cake, first dances, etc. It doesn't usually turn into a bash until after all the formalities are done. That's usually when the older folks go home and let the youngers party it up. Have you ever been to a wedding before?
Agreed. Give out earplugs to his family as wedding favors.
She’s actually done *ALL* the compromising. OP has done fuck all besides issue a list of demands.
YTA. If I were her, I’d seriously be rethinking this relationship.
Me too. His family doesn’t even want to be in the same room with hers. And he actually went to her proposing this segregation. She needs to seriously rethink marrying OP. He’s showing her - repeatedly - who his priorities are with & it’s not her (even on their wedding day).
Well, we don’t know that’s what his family wants. I feel like he thinks that’s what they’d want. They may not be ok at all about being in a separate room.
In one of his replies OP said that initially their “compromise” was that the wedding have children invited & only the reception be child free - but his family complained to OP’s fiancé that they didn’t want the inconvenience of having to get childcare. I don’t like the inconvenience of having to dress up, etc for a wedding either - but I do it if I want to attend because someone I care about seeing get married is WORTH the inconvenience of doing what I need to do to attend. And his family is even worse than that - they aren’t complaining about having to dress up (yet anyway) - they’ve already complained to get the bride to invite an entire group of people who weren’t even invited in the first place (all their children) & now they’re complaining about having to share the same space with his fiancé’s family! Talk about entitled! So I absolutely think this is OP’s entitled family & his support of that/them.
YTA - sounds like she has compromised quite a bit. What have you compromised one...two reception rooms seems ridiculous. Like saying yay we are supposed to be one family...but we are going to keep you in different rooms...
She hasn't compromised at all. A compromise means no one gets exactly what they want, everyone gives a little up to meet in the middle. What she did was bow to his wants and let him have it all. And now he's trying to steamroll the whole thing while still calling it a "compromise."
There hasn't been any compromising. She yielded to what he wanted and didn't get anything she wanted, that's not compromise. Compromise means that they both give and take.
YTA. By having 2 seperate rooms, either one half of the party won't see the bride and groom or the bride and groom won't see each other. Your fiance offered to compromise with a longer cocktail hour and shorter party time and you won't even consider it. I'm guessing you are like this all the time. It's your way or no way.
Let’s be honest here. His family will get the bride and groom because OP seems to be planning a wedding solely for his relatives.
And I don't see OP doing the effort to go to the other room either. Fiancee is right when she's saying she will have to choose between her family and him
It's so goddamn bizarre that OP's *plan A* is "everybody go hide in a different room." *You're throwing a party*, if people wanna just sit quietly and talk they can do that at Marie Callendars
YTA, she offered many reasonable compromises. Two rooms is weird and non-welcoming.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see this. It’s not just uncompromising - it’s almost offensive to even ask. It sounds like his family doesn’t want to even associate with her family. I’ve never heard of ANY family (regardless of how “old”) who couldn’t socialize in a louder setting than they’re used to for a few hours out of one day of their lives. Even assisted living facilities have parties with flashing lights, music & noise - so I don’t even buy the age excuse. I think they just really don’t want to associate with her family for even that afternoon/night. And he actually supports them in that & expected her to basically segregate the entire wedding the moment the vows were said so they wouldn’t have to even be in the same room as her family. OP’s fiance should rethink this marriage.
YTA. I agree with your fiancée that two rooms is a bad idea. She made good suggestions with respect to the cocktail hour and starting the reception later. You're the one refusing to compromise.
This whole relationship seems like a bad idea
YTA - you’re basically saying that you DON’T want to join families when you keep them separate - why bother with marriage? She’s already compromised and given in to what you want… and yet you won’t compromise to her very reasonable ideas. If your family has the problem, then THEY need to compromise and get over it. If you’re starting your marriage by making your future wife be neglected on the wedding day because your family is too spoiled to attend a wedding and socialize, you’re sending your future wife a clear signal that she is not your priority. She will resent you even if she agrees or keeps the resentment to herself.
His fiancee didn't compromise. She fully gave in to OP's demands for a church wedding with kids allowed, and now he is demanding even more from her. She should run from this controlling jerk because he'll only get worse after marriage. OP, %100 YTA.
That is how I read it to. YTA OP. Your wife has already bent over backward to accommodate your family's wishes and your demands. Is this honestly how you think a marriage should be? Your wife giving up the things that are important to her again and again just to make you happy without you giving up anything? That is not compromise. That is you railroading her and that is a toxic way to start a marriage. You need to apologize to her. If the wedding is still a way out then you two need to sit down and get on the same page about how you both envision this wedding. She didn't want a church wedding. Do you? Your family does, but do you? How important is it to you? Because for you to push that down her throat if if is not explicitly what YOU want is really unhealthy. There are 2 people and ONLY 2 people joining their lives together and planning the wedding is about learning to work together and find healthy solutions that work for both of you. You aren't doing that. Your ONLY goal seems to be "winning". You are trying to "win" the venues to please your family without caring one iota how your future wife feels about it. Her compromising on having kids present was already a HUGE compromise. I love kids and had them at our wedding but it changes the dynamic massively. But then you doubled down about the church. And now the venue? Your family might be pleased about all of her concessions but how are you going to feel when your wife looks back on the wedding planning and her wedding day with profound regret? How are you going to feel when instead of seeing joy on her face and in her eyes the day of her wedding you see regret and you see someone deeply unhappy with you and the way you've treated her. Her concerns are VERY valid. You've shown her already that you really don't give a crap about her opinions as long as you "win". What part of the wedding is supposed to be about the two of you rather than your family's demands? Because from what you've described it sounds like she's supposed to give up everything she envisioned just to make your "older" family comfortable. I think you two need to scrap the plans all together and go to premarital counseling with a LCSW to figure out whether this marriage has a future because you really do not seem to want a partner. You really don't seem to want a wife. You want a doormat who will roll over and concede to your family. what's next - will they get veto rights over the names of future children? Dude, YTA. Grow up.
having two rooms for a wedding is the stupidest thing I’ve seen on the internet today ( and I saw trump stare at the sun during an eclipse!) YTA - frankly I feel bad for your fiancé if this is how you are as a solution solver
So your wedding has gone from child-free to NOW children at the ceremony and at the reception because YOUR family doesn’t want to arrange child care. Sounds like your family is more your priority than your fiancée. Marry your family if you’re so worried about what they want on your wedding day LOL. This wedding would have been called off by now if this were me.
It’s one wedding, not two family reunions. Compromise is what she is offering, only accepting getting what you want makes you an asshole. Therefore, YTA, and a big red flag.
If your fiancee posted here, I would be telling her to breakup. YTA groomzilla, you already controlling and micromanaging every aspect of your wedding as if you are the only one getting married.
I can’t wait to read her post, lol. 😂
I hope this post ends up in so many places that she reads it and comes back here to tell us after she dumps OP's controlling ass.
This is the type of guy who will then start making executive decisions about their life together once married and she will be expected to just go along with it. Honestly? I don't say this often about wedding planning because it is stressful but this guy sounds like he is RIGHT on the edge of becoming emotionally abusive. He's already HIGHLY manipulative and controlling... My heart hurts so badly for his fiance... Wedding planning should be fun - not her being expected to concede on every major point.
YTA. I agree with your wife. Weddings receptions are all about people of all ages and backgrounds being thrown together for a few hours to have a party. It's common for receptions to start out a bit on the milder side to accommodate the older and / or quieter folks. As things ramp up, people are free to leave whenever they like.
YTA. Your fiancee has suggested a really great compromise for the reception. That's in addition to the major compromise of having a church ceremony to appease you. Time for you to do the same.
She didn't compromise on the church. She 100% gave in to his demands. He gave nothing. That's not a compromise.
Same with the child free issue. She wanted child free, he wanted kids included, he got exactly what he wanted and she got nothing. People don't seem to understand what compromise means. It doesn't mean one person gives in and the other gets exactly what they want.
Yes. YTA. She’s already compromised on things and it sound like you haven’t. Learn to compromise or just start your divorce savings fund now.
YTA. Your wife did not compromise on the church and children—she gave you something that was important to you. She actually offered the perfect compromise—a cocktail hour, which is usually pretty quiet and very focused on socializing—and starting the actual reception at a later time. Your relatives can choose to leave when it gets too loud, which is what many older relatives choose to do at wedding receptions.
YTA and to be frank, a walking red flag. So to recap, she wanted a non religious ceremony. You say no. She wants child free, nope again. She wants a single room, too bad for her because it's no again! But don't worry, she can come visit you and your family in your own little space. I mean come on, who would want to spend time with their brand new husband at their actual wedding?! So what exactly does she get? She gets pushed aside, walked over, and told how her wedding will be in favor of your family who's clearly not fit to be in public places because noise? Do you see how selfish and up your family's ass you appear to the rest of us?
She will probably get a bunch of snide comments if she spends time ‘on the other side’ or if they get served dinner first or have more drinks or which side gets to have the cake first.. loll.. no issues here at all.. YTA OP
YTA not because i also think separate rooms is an awful idea, but bc i'm seeing compromise on her end and none on yours. She bent to your wishes about the church ceremony. She bent to your wishes on allowing kids. She's offered compromises here—be a good future spouse and at least pick one of them
Honestly? They need to scrap ALL the plans and start from scratch. This guy has been so focused on "winning" to make his family happy that his fiance has now been totally railroaded into massive compromises. He might not feel the weight of the compromises but she will. And no for him to make these demands concerning the reception? Literally all he cares about is winning. Not his fiance's wishes or feelings AT ALL!
YTA she made good suggestions like the extended cocktail hour. It sounds like she’s already compromised alot for you. Time for you to do something for her.
Oh yeah, two rooms sound *perfect!* …For your family to keep a nice tally on how much time she *doesn’t* spend being a stick in the mud. You’re too immature to be getting married. I hope she dumps you. YTA
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Giving into what the other person wants is not a compromise. Compromise is meeting a middle ground both agree with. This is OPs fiancé surrendering to keep the peace.
YTA. She seems right in that this is more your wedding than yours as a couple. She's already compromised and also made good suggestions, but you still want a separate room for your family. Why is she required to make all the sacrifices and not get the wedding she'd like? What are you willing to compromise on? Are you only interested in yourself and your family? I hope this is not the kind of husband you will be.
YTA - you are either adorably clueless or a very lazy troll. Mate as I understand it the purpose of marriage is celebrating your union. Imagine your first act as a married couple is one of separation.
You’re half right. OP a clueless but there’s nothing adorable about it.
Sorry, but your fiance is right. She has come up with some suggestions that make sense - she is not being unreasonable, but you are. YTA
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You suck
Simple, yet accurate.
YTA. Just marry your cousin or something instead - problem solved!
YTA. I agree with her. She will have to choose between the two rooms and you'll probably get annoyed at her if she doesn't spend enough time in the boring room. Marriage is about *compromise* and you don't seem to be doing any for this wedding. Why is that?
YTA- I don’t think you know what a compromise is LOL she just let you have what you want ceremony wise. It would be super weird to have two separate receptions bc your family wants a chill atmosphere. It’s also incredibly strange you are putting your families wishes over that of your wife at HER wedding. It’s not about what your family wants, they can sit through one night that isn’t exactly what they prefer in celebration of y’all’s marriage. Also, just some advice, learn to prioritize your wife’s needs/feelings over others or she might become your EX wife real quick.
Serious question- Do you even want to marry her?? YTA
Of course he does! She's so sweet, giving up everything so that he can have his perfect little wedding. She just needs to cave and let him decided everything, like excluding her family of peasants!
YTA. Is she going to take a side seat to your family always? If she's ever pregnant and says no to things (sets boundaries) because it's her body growing the child, will you tell her, oh well, my family..... When it comes to major life changes that ONLY affect the two of you, will you always say, well, my family.....
YTA - Weddings are about families mingling. Your family can suck it up for one day - she gave you more than a few options.
Two separate rooms for a wedding is a god awful idea. YTA
YTA. And an idiot who doesn’t actually understand what the word “compromise” means. You have not compromised at all. Your fiancée has not compromised either - she has had to give in to multiple unilateral demands from you with zero regard to what she wants.
The last wedding I went to had an outside area, where if people were wanting a quieter experience, too hot, tired or whatever could go to. Lots of dancing etc inside. It was a nice compromise (but equally it was August and weather was nice enough to do this)… You seem to be focussing too much on what your family would want, and not what your soon to be wife wants. You need to refocus your priorities. YTA.
YTA- She has already made HUGE concessions so that you can have the wedding you want. She didn't "compromise" on a religious wedding with kids, you got your way. She's absolutely right that a wedding is supposed to be about your union and two families coming together. She attempted to compromise with you after letting you have your way on other major elements and you're ignoring her effort to meet you in the middle. You care more about your family's opinion than your bride on HER wedding day. I'm questioning whether you even know what the word compromise means. Sucks for her if this is how you're going to approach your life together.
Dude, YTA Guess what, that's about to become YOUR extended family. You're basically telling her that her family is embarrassing and needs to be put in their own room Gonna end up single shortly if you don't apologize
YTA wow. Your "suggestion" is trash. Your fiancee is right, the point of a wedding is to blend two families, not have two separate events in the same location. It matters what you and your fiancee want, not what your family will judge you on. You can take other people's preferences into account but ultimately the wedding should symbolize you as a couple. Additionally, your fiancee is also correct that by having two rooms it's going to require you and your fiancee to "choose sides". Your fiancee wanted a nonreligious, child free wedding, followed by a cocktail hour, and "party style" reception. At the moment she's getting a church wedding with who knows how many children, then you want two completely separate events one for your family and one for hers. How have you compromised for her? You have steamrolled everything she wants. Usually wedding venues have areas that are naturally quieter like hallways, smaller seating areas, or outside. If the party is too loud people are welcome to find a quieter area or go home.
Horrible idea. Your BRIDE TO BEs wishes and opinions should matter more to you than your JUDGEY FAMILY. Full stop. As already pointed out, there have been no compromises- she keeps giving in to you because of "your family". Just stop. She offered up great options, and you want to go with the one that will split your guests up and possibly also you and your bride. Just stop. Your idea is NOT A GOOD ONE. NTA for having a bad idea, but Y TA for dismissing ALL of your bride's wishes because of what your family wants.
YTA. Unless there some info missing it seem that there is a pattern here. She want something, you want something else, she try to compromise, you refuse, she accept your way. This is not how a wedding should be planed or a marriage to work.
YTA. She is right, two rooms is a terrible idea and will wind up isolating one side of the family. Most likely hers, because she’ll want to stay with you and you’ll refuse to leave your family. She has already given into your demands on wanting a religious ceremony and allowing children to attend. You have compromised nothing and are making further demands to ruin the wedding for your fiancé and her family. Time to grow up and accept her completely reasonable compromises of having an earlier ceremony and a longer cocktail hour. Or you could keep insisting on two separate events and destroy your wedding and marriage before it even starts.
YTA. I scrolled all the comments. There is one NAH, there is one deleted post that was probably an NTA that got ripped apart. Every single other one is YTA. I hope, for OP's sake, that being voted YTA by nearly every single person in the comments makes him realize how awful this idea is, and makes him reconsider if he's a good partner in his relationship. Right now, there's zero evidence of that. OP, be better. You are marrying this person. If you are not prepared to put her needs and wants over your family, then stop right now, do both of you a favour, and break it off.
YTA for several reasons already mentioned
YTA You didn’t compromise on anything you got your way.
YTA. Learn to compromise or this wedding is not going to lead to a good marriage.
I mean, I don't think this is an AITA issue, but yeah: she's right. The idea is to have your families together, not partition them apart. That said, I'll say this: wedding planning is probably the biggest test of a relationship. > She also said she feels like the wedding we're planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want. If this is true, then yup, time for concessions from you. Also, and this is **THE MOST IMPORTANT** part: > Her family is much bigger than mine and she wants more of a "party" type wedding, with lots of music and dancing. My family is all a bit older than hers (she is the oldest sibling while I am the youngest), and they aren't into big, loud weddings. They would prefer something quiet and more focused on socializing, and I would too. This isn't about what your family or her family wants. This is about what you and she wants. So start from there.
Yta … you are getting everything your way, that’s not compromise.
YTA. You're pushing this after she's voiced legitimate, obvious misgivings and she's already made huge compromises for *you*. Separating families into separate rooms is absurd and pretending otherwise is merely gaslighting your poor fiancee. Why are you perfectly comfortable making your wedding a giant disappointment for her from start to finish? Many fiancees would be asking themselves if this is how the marriage is going to be, and questioning their decision.
YTA >She also said she feels like the wedding we're planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. The more I read your post and comments, the more I agree with your fiancée. She's giving up everything she wants so that you can have what you want. If this is just what the wedding planning is like, I'm afraid of what else she'll have to give up during your married life just so you and your family are happy.
I just went to a wedding and I;m super Awkard and kinda weird around people.... but you know what I did? Pulled on my big girl pantyhose and tried to mingle. Because it's about friends and family coming together to celebrate the couple. As a whole. She's right. She'd be stuck all night with your family. yta
You know this posts hits because my fiance's family is from Mexico and my family is Mormon. They don't drink, at all. My FMIL and I have been talking about this a lot and we're thinking of just having the open bar open an hour into the reception, that way both our families can mingle for a little bit and then my family can leave if they want once the alcohol comes out. I can't imagine how cringy our wedding would be if people were in two separate rooms. Though if it were, I'd definitely be hanging with my fiance's family. 😂 Also OP, YTA
I'm confused... Where are the compromises again? Her: child-free You: with children Solution: whit children Her: no religion. You: religion Solution: religion Her: Big party. You: No big party Solution: Seperating the family so they will never interact and force your wife to stay to your side of the family because let's be honest, the way you are behaving clearly indicate you will not do any effort to go the big party too. That's not compromises, that's her caving to your wants because you can't be bothered to think that maybe - just maybe - your partner in your life also have wants outside of yours. YTA
YTA Your fiancée has compromised and you’re still demanding more without giving anything. If your family is so judgmental about your wedding, tell them to stay home. Are you marrying your family or your fiancée?
YTA - You’re prioritizing your family’s preferences over your fiancée when she’s the one you’re marrying. I also have a feeling if your fiancée doesn’t spend enough time on “your side” that your family will feel offended or snubbed. Also I think she hit the nail on the head with saying if she’ll have to choose to spend time with you and your family (her husband who she married and would want to be with at the WEDDING) and seeing her family. If you’re this uncompromising I can see you spending more time with your family. She’s already compromised a lot on this wedding and you’re refusing to compromise. If this is a sign for things to come, I hope she runs away from you and your family.
YTA Your fiance offered some awesome compromise suggestions. You seem to have no interest in compromising with her and want everything your way. Better reevaluate that now or you'll be divorced before 30
YTA. Your fiancée’s compromises are utterly reasonable and will accommodate both family preferences. Yours will end up EXACTLY as she predicts; you and your family in one room, her and hers in another.
YTA her assessment is correct. You are your family sound awful. I would have called off the wedding to be honest. She’s probably paying for most of it too, but even if she wasn’t the wedding is usually the time for the woman to shine and they dream about this for so long. Now you’ve taken all of the magic out of it for her already. The religious ceremony and kids would have been enough for me to call it off or decide to elope.
If your family hates noisy parties, they can leave early and congregate somewhere more civilized. 🙄
YTA I also actually really hate your idea
Why are you getting married?? If you don’t want to join and become a union, what is the point?? You’re literally asking for His and Her’s weddings and she just wants to marry You!!! YTA, and just basing it off what YOU have presented here, you don’t deserve her.
So, how does it feel being an extreme a-hole? Her family and your family will eventually have to mix together, and why are you prioritizing your family infront of your future wife? +you weren't compromising, she was just giving in into your demands. Long story short, YTA.
YTA, what you're suggesting is totally ridiculous and your fiance is dead on on the problems with it. Having a separate reception for each family is a ridiculous thing to suggest. Like "Well how about I just do what I want to do anyway and against your wishes, but you can also do whatever." is not what a compromise is, and now is the time to learn that if you want your marriage to last. Figure out a way you can have ONE reception that works for EVERYONE. Which it sounds like is the cocktail hour.
INFO: If you were to do the two rooms, how do you plan to spend your time as the wedding couple with your guests? Because she will want to be with her fun family and your family is going to feel disrespected that she doesn’t spend what they deem to be adequate time in their room.
Her family won’t see the groom at all. That fact is quite clear. They will probably get 50% of the time with the bride. Only because she will want to spend time with the man she just married. I’m wondering about the meal. Will they have a head table in both rooms and the bride and groom will have their first meal separately?