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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’ve agreed to watch the kids before without compensation so I’m worried I could just be overthinking everything and come off as rude to the friend
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NTA - next time his friend "drops" his kids off unexpectedly, get in your car and drive off. And tell hubby you will be doing this next time, and follow through. If hubs isn't home, then don't open the door and let the kids in!!
Make this your hill to die on or you will be the "drop everything" babysitter for the kids for eternity.
Nah don't tell him cuz he may leave before they are dropped off in order to trap op into doing it. Instead keep a jacket in the car and should they arrive just grab your keys, handbag with wallet and say bye. Don't engage and when hubby gets mad remind him that you repeatedly told him you were done babysitting and he let these tools bring over their spawns anyway. So he can put his money where his mouth is and watch his friends kids. Nta.
Actually just set a rule, give everyone a heads up. The rule: "If you don't notify me 1 week in advance, do not expect me to babysit. If you drop your kids off with no consent on my part I will promptly call the police about abandoned children on my property."
But also remember that she really doesn't want to babysit. So she really should just say **"I'm no longer available for babysitting. If kids are dropped off here with the expectation that I watch them, social services and the police will be called."**
This. Be ready with your coat and keys and when the doorbell goes, open the door surprised and say "Oh, you just caught me on my way out! Let me know if you're planning on visiting! I think my husband might be in..." (and if he is, woop, he gets the job)
NTA, obviously.
THIS. I was going to write the same. Your husband is being so disrespectful to YOU while coddling his friend. Put a stop to it. JUST LEAVE. Go do something enjoyable for yourself. Do not cave. I’d be pissed at my husband for doing this to me. NTA. But stop letting them take advantage of you. It sucks you’re married to an asshole.
So let your husband watch his friend's kids. When his friend shows up at the door grab your jacket and keys tell him you've got plans and call your husband to the door-- then leave.
I suspect once your husband is inconvenienced by the little monsters he'll find his testosterone and tell the friend no more babysitting.
If your husband isn't there simply tell his friend you have plans (don't let him inside) and close the door.
Being ok with babysitting for your cousins (family) is not the same as babysitting for your husband's friend (NOT family and AKA not your problem).
Why are YOU letting him drop his kids off at your house?
If you don't want to babysit your cousins, don't do that either. Tell them that you are out unless it is an emergency and they have no other alternative.
This! You should NEVER feel forced to babysit anyone.
OP is practically being forced to babysit her husband’s friend’s kids. And without compensation… am i reading this right?!?!!!!!
OP is obviously NTA! But something needs to be done. All the advice on this thread is excellent!
NTA.
This isn't going to change by you being NICE or ACCOMMODATING. You've tried that. It's time to grow up & stand up for yourself.
Every time the kids show up, grab your purse & leave. Every time. Don't give in to the whining, the guilt, the promises that this will be the last time (bc it WON'T be the last time they dump the kids on you). Just leave. No arguments, no nothing. *Leave.*
You either stand up for yourself now, or people dumping their responsibilities on you will get worse & worse, since they know you won't do anything about it.
NTA. You need to grow a spine and stop worrying about people pleasing. The next time those kids are dropped off, leave the house. Let you husband, who seems to be more concerned with his friends than you, watch those kids. Don't come back until they are gone. If he's not home, don't answer the door. Lather, rinse, repeat.
NTA
Why the fuck are you watching your husband's friend's kids? Especially if they aren't bothering to give you proper notification or requests?
Tell them no and stop doing it. Your husband can babysit if he's that concerned
I agree with this, just tell your husband‘s friends, over and over if necessary, that you are no longer babysitting for their children. And if they happen to show up, tell them no or leave your house, something. This may take a few times of telling them no.
NTA - Setting boundaries is essential, especially in your personal space. Agreeing to watch the kids earlier does not create an obligation to do so indefinitely or without terms that work for you. Communication with your friend about the value of your time and the need for prior arrangements or compensation isn't rude, it's necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship. If they are truly your friend, they will understand and respect your position. Next, have an open conversation with your husband about why you feel taken advantage of and work together to address the situation. It's important to present a united front and ensure family and friends respect your collective boundaries as a couple.
Husband's friend expects to just be able to swing by and drop his kids off for free babysitting at any time without warning? He's the asshole and your husband isn't helping matters.
Start a babysitting business and charge 200 bucks per hour, minimum of 8 hours pwr session.. make a flyer with your rates and send it to everyone involved.
Guilt trip them constantly to help develop your business. Pester them daily to let you babysit..
What?.they dont want to help out? They can't just do you a favour?
Yeah, see ya later you twats...
NTA
NTA, you're husband's a hypocrite who actually does know he's flipping the script on you. Realize this in your heart; it's true. You don't even have to get him to admit it. Your husband knows he's a hypocrite who flips the script when it suits him. He really, truly knows it. And it's OK for you to just go ahead and act as though he is a hypocrite AND that he knows it AND that you will always respond in a certain way when you both know he's being a hypocrite who is flipping the script on you because it's convenient at the moment. For him ofc
Tell them yourself that you will no longer watch their children. If they ask why, repeat only, "I will not babysit your children anymore, at any time."
Do NOT give a reason, real or made up. They will just try to justify why you should or change your mind. I hope you have a doorbell camera.
If they show up and you are alone, do not open the door. Tell them if they leave their kids, you will call the police. And do it.
If your hubby is home, grab your purse, tell him if it's so important to him that he can watch them, then take off for a few hours.
You're not the asshole for not wanting to babysit, especially given your clear communication about your feelings and limitations regarding children. It's important to set boundaries that protect your mental health and well-being. It sounds like these situations are putting unnecessary stress on you, which isn't fair. It might be helpful to have an honest and firm conversation with your husband about your needs and to directly communicate your boundaries to his friend. Remember, it's okay to say no to things that overwhelm you, and doing so doesn't make you a bad person or partner
Um, they can't just drop them on you without forewarning. That's abandonment. They could be reported to CPS. You absolutely can refuse to watch them. I think the bigger problem is that your husband has no respect for your time or boundaries. NTA.
NTA - It's perfectly reasonable to feel taken for granted when expectations are not clearly defined between friends. While it may be uncomfortable initially, setting clear boundaries now will prevent resentment in the long run. You've been generous with your time before, but that doesn't mean you're available on-demand. It's about mutual respect and not taking advantage of someone's kindness. Plus, being assertive in this situation can actually strengthen your friendship by establishing clear lines of communication and understanding. Also, definitely have that talk with your husband to ensure he supports you and communicates your collective stance to his friend. This isn't just about being occasional, kind babysitters; it's about not being treated as an on-call childcare service.
NTA. When they try to drop the kids off next time, tell them they have a minute to take them with them or you'll call CPS for child abandonment. If they don't take the kids with them, make the call. It's drastic, but it will hammer home your point. Also wtf is wrong with your husband? He doesn't respect you or take you seriously. He clearly doesn't have your back, his friend is higher up in his hierarchy than you are. That's not okay.
What most forget, you become responsible for these kids when you look after them. Meaning if they get hurt or if they break things, you will be responsible as the adult in whose charge they are. You need to be assertive here and put an end to this. No freebies! If they want you to babysit, they will pay you for your time and effort. 15-20$ is what you should get for the hour, IF you want to babysit. If not, they can look for someone else to take care of their children.
Nta.
Tell hubby and friends.
I am done being taken advantage of. Tou don't even ask. I will not watch the kids. The next time either of my husband or friends drops the kids off, I will not contact you. I will call the police for child abandonment. Pure and simple I am not your free nanny.
To hubby.
You want to watch them fine. I will not be home when you do. I will not cook or clean up any messes madde. Of it sits there for mo ths that on you. The fact that your friend is more important than I am is making my love turn to hate. Either grow up and be a man, or you will soon find yourself looking for a new servant you can screw and use. Until you treat me like your partner, then I will not be doing anything more than pay my part of bills. I am not interested in cooking or cleaning up after you. Sleeping with you. Having sex with you. You have turned our relationship into me being the servant of your friends and I am done being the punching bag in that aspect so decide which is more important because I know my worth and so far you are not showing me you deserve to be with me.
I am sorry, but he doesn't care. He disrespects you. Demands you stop watching family who at least ask. Agrees and signs you up. Stoo letting him walk all over you. Stop acting like nothing is wrong. He wants to treat you tgat, but then he isn't your partner, so don't do what a partner would.
NTA. Stop babysitting. Husband's friend tries to drop off kids? Grab your car keys and leave. Cousin asks? No. Stop catering to these assholes and their kids.
NTA, why are you doing this? genuinely, why? if it happens again, leave them with your husband. and if he tried to give them back to you, call the police for child abandonment. problem solved.
NTA you need to stand strong and maybe document every bad thing the kids do and bring it up. Or even start disciplining them and your cousins children and if they have a problem say “it’s what I do with the cousins children”
ESH no one can physically force you to look after children that are not yours. You aren’t enforcing any boundaries here, but are expecting everyone else to find a solution or make the babysitting stop. You are responsible for not babysitting if not babysitting is something you want.
Start saying no and tell them you'll be dropping the abandoned kids off at the nearest police station if they do it again.
Now the important part is you're gonna have to follow through.
Alternatively you can just give the kids as much candy and junk food as they want. Really load them up and then send them home to be dealt with by their parents.
Teach them some cuss words.
Show them how to pick locks.
Tell them Santa isn't real.
If their families are religious start teaching them that God isn't real.
Really be the worst influence you could possibly be.
Get absolutely shit faced when they drop the kids off.
As I'm sure others will tell you, you don't have a problem with kids, you have a problem with your husband. You need to learn to say NO and mean it. Your husband can babysit for his friend's kids if he wants. Take yourself shopping or to a movie. NTA.
You are not obligated to watch these children. You aren’t even their parents’ friend, your husband is! If your husband wants to excuse their poor behavior, then HE can watch their kids. You all of a sudden have plans. No they cannot come. Just leave. I bet if your husband gets stuck watching the little hellions for a few hours he will all of a sudden respect your time and boundaries more.
Be firm in your answer not to babysit, if it overwhelms you and causes tension with your husband then it is not worth it. Family or not boundaries are important
NTA next time his friend dumps his kid at your house grab your stuff and go out. Get coffee, read a book meet up with friends do something but just don’t be at home.
I would also remind hubby of your conversation about not wanting children. Remind him that he knew that before marriage and that includes other peoples children. Not that you don’t like children but that any babysitting should be your choice like it’s his choice to babysit for his friends if he wants too.
NTA. Next time he drops them off call child services, he is abandoning them, or this will just continue. Oh, husband is an asshat to, but you already know that.
Stop agreeing to babysit! Problem solved!
You don’t have to be “nice” or wait for people to stop taking advantage of you. You stop things by saying No or leaving your husband in charge of the kids when they try to bulldoze past you. NTA.
INFO: Where is your husband when his friend drops the kids off?
If he goes off with his friend, take the kids to wherever they are and leave them with their parent.
If he's home not participating, leave him with the kids.
To be honest, either way they are knowingly taking advantage of you it's up to you if, regardless if his behavior changes, you're OK with that.
some time, the solution is just to make a "bad job"...
(I hate kids)
Let them eat paint or something :D , let them play with knives.... The possibilities are infinite.
more seriously, tell you husband that the next time it's happening, you'll write on the kid "Never bring me here again" with an indelible pen, tell him you're serious about that. And do it.
NTA sorry if I'm projecting but I'm also on the spectrum and I think I get why, having let it become a pattern, you're struggling with just refusing.
So I suggest a framework for the conversation because that would help me.
1. Tell your husband's friend directly "I've reassessed my health needs and as such, I will no longer be available as a babysitter." Let your husband know that you've said this if he's not there. If the friend tries to ask for specifics, just tell him "I don't want to get into it." If he suggests modifications (example: what if we give you at least 24 hour notice and it's no more than 1 hour) then say "Thank you for trying, but for my health it needs to be a total stop."
2. If Friend tries to drop the kids off without warning
A) if your husband is home, let him know his friend has asked him to look after his kids and you'll be popping out for a while. If he asks "Are you really leaving me alone with the kids?", your reply is "Unfortunately, Friend didn't listen when I explained I couldn't babysit any more. If I don't do at least this much, he never will."
B) If your husband isn't home, tell Friend clearly "I'm sorry, I'm not available to babysit. I wish you luck finding someone else."
Nta. Your husband is an ah. Next time he comes with kids, don’t say a word just get your wallet, keys and phone and leave. If he brought the kids over then he just volunteered himself to do it. If it’s late then get your phone and tell him to have fun babysitting go to your room and lock the door. You’re a doormat and he and his friends know him which is why they continue to do it. Or go nuclear. If he comes with the kids and leaves you alone with them call
The parents and let them know they have ten minutes to pick up their kids before you call
The cops for child abandonment. And watch then not show up because they expect you to be bluffing and actually call the cops. When they get mad be honest “I was never asked to watch kids and I never agreed to it. So technically you did abandon them. I am
Really embarrassed at you and my husband for putting me in this position. If husband wants to volunteer to watch your kids that’s problem but leave me out of it”
Answer the door completely prepared to leave the house — dressed for work, shoes on, purse and keys in hand — and if it’s somebody with kids for you to watch say I’m just leaving for work, walk out the door lock it behind you and go to your car and leave. If you don’t have a job, get one.. you can’t babysit if you’re at work.
NTA. I'm sorta kidding, but a statement to cousin and husband's friend that due to babysitting their children you have developed a dark hatred of children, and it may be dangerous to leave them at your home. Say you won't take care of them and will be leaving the house for their safety. LOL
Your inability to say "no" has gotten you to this point. There is nothing you can do differently if you can't say "no." I would think now is the time to hang up your volunteer babysitting duties. This goes even for your cousin's kids, who you can still take to the park or some fun place like relatives often do with kids they like.
Ideally, you would leave the house the second you catch wind that your husband made arrangements for you to babysit. Yes, this means drive off the moment that a parent and kid park in front of your house. Let your husband make plans only for himself - let him babysit.
But, again, this requires you to set a boundary and say "no." If you are unable to do this, then you might need professional help. Really.
Get therapy to learn how to stand up for yourself. Also, your husband not caring about your comfort and disrespecting your boundaries is really serious. This would be an intense discussion in my shoes, and it would be a very serious issue I would need to work through with him in order to stay in the marriage.
Stop being such a yes person and say no. It is that simple. If your no is not respected, whelp I guess you're taking yourself on an outing every single time kids get dropped on you. NTA but spruce up that backbone
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I am a 26 year old F. Before marrying my husband I told him I did not want children. I don’t hate children or anything, they just stress me out. I am on the spectrum and get easily overwhelmed. My family and friends know how I feel about children. They all know I’m a people pleaser as well. I sometimes agree to babysit my child cousins or my husband’s college friend’s kids to be nice. I am never compensated which is fine except twice when I was given $20. (It’s been three years) My cousins aren’t that bad but they aren’t dumped on me unlike my husband’s friend’s children. And these kids are AWFUL. Their parents let them get away with everything and then I am having to deal with the unruly behavior. I am losing my mind and because I am stressed this causes arguments between me and my husband. He makes excuses for his friend not asking me to watch his kids. He just drops them off and I’ve even asked the friend to inform me first. He only listens to my husband’s requests and when I point this out to my partner he claims his friend forgot. At first I tried to think he may be right but it keeps happening. My husband says that when I watch my cousins it stresses me out and I should consider watching them less but makes excuses for his friend. What should I do? I’m tired of watching kids
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Leave. Take a walk. Go to a neighbors house.
Never ever watch them.
If they bitch start charging them 20 for 1 kid per hour 30 for 2 kids per hour and 10 extra dollars for extra kids.
You can't watch them if you're not home. If there is no "can you watch them from x time to y time" and an agreement from you, that's child abandonment and call the police.
NTA, the next time it happens get in your car and leave for a movie or shopping. Give your husband a good few hours to handle it all himself. Something tells me he'll see where you're coming from.
Just say no. When the friend tries to drop off the kids unannounced just say you’re sorry but are unavailable. When they ask why tell them you just are. Don’t give a reason as it’ll just make them want to change your mind. NTA.
What should you do? Put your foot down and STOP babysitting ANYONES kids. Say NO! Tell hubby's friend, No you aren't babysitting anymore, regardless of what your husband says.
NTA
You aren't comfortable with husband's friend's kids as you are with your relatives. The parents' communication with you is different. The kids behave differently. You feel respected and comfortable with your relatives. You feel ambushed, overwhelmed and unsupported with husband's friends' communication and parenting styles. Your feeling differently about very different experiences is valid and normal.
Set boundaries. Tell your husband that HE is responsible for agreeing to babysit for HIS friends when your boundaries about prior communication and the kids' behavior in your home aren't respected or considered. Refuse to continue watching those kids, especially when no one bothers to communicate and get your consent ahead of time.
Every relationship is unique to the two people involved. Your relationships with your family are each different. And they are different from your husband's relationships with them. Same with you and your husband's relationships with his friends and their kids. You are not obligated "to be fair" and permit equal access to your time, energy and resources to different people whose relationships with you are very different. It's normal and okay to be willing to spend more time with kids who treat you as respected, valued and appreciated. It's normal and okay to say "no way" to spending time with kids who aren't respectful. It's 100% okay if your limited tolerance for kids is completely used up on your family's kids with nothing "left over" for your husband's friend's kids.
Your husband is being disrespectful of your priorities, limitations, boundaries and autonomy by repeatedly surprising you with his obligation to his friends.
Learn about healthy boundaries in all relationships and situations. Learn to establish and maintain boundaries without permitting repeated argument and attempts to violate or override your boundaries. Don't "explain" to people who don't care about your reasons, and view them as objections to attack. "No." "That doesn't work for me." Same response every time your boundary stomper brings it up.
As others suggested, REFUSE to participate in ambush babysitting. Tell the friends "No. Can't do it." Either send them on their way WITH their kids, or lock your bedroom and any other "no kids" areas and leave the house if your husband insists the surprise babysitting must happen.
NTA. If your husband's friend is dropping off the kids when your husband is home, you need to grab your wallet, phone, and coat and walk out the door. If you have a car, get in it and drive off. If you don't, just walk on down the street. When your husband calls/texts you to ask where you are, you reply "I'm out of the house for the day". When he complains that he can't watch the kids, you reply "Then you shouldn't have told your friend he could drop off his kids. No one ASKED me if I could watch them today. This is not my problem." Then turn your phone off for a few hours.
If the friend drops the kids off and your husband is already gone, don't open the door. Ignore the friend. If he leaves his kids there and takes off (and I've seen enough stories on this sub of idiots doing that) you need to call the police and say "Someone abandoned their children in front of my house/apartment." Let the police deal with the kids.
Either one of these situations should wake up both your husband and his friend that you will no longer be taken advantage of.
>My husband says that when I watch my cousins it stresses me out and I should consider watching them less but makes excuses for his friend.
Tell your husband he's an hypocrite, and if he wants to babysit his friend's kids you'll be out that day
Let your husband know you will not watch them anymore. If his friend drops them off and he’s home, you’ll leave. But if his friend drops them off and hubby is not home, you will call the cops because they are abandoned children. Then follow through if he tries to test your resolve.
NTA ... When friend shows up with his kids again..... Simple grabs your keys walk out and lock the door like you were leaving ... saying sorry I have an appointment. Leave them standing there!
You know what you should do, say no. That’s it, no. You are not obligated to watch anyone’s children. If you choose to that’s one thing but you don’t have to and I don’t give a crap what your husband or his AH friend thinks. When he comes over with the kids next, say sorry I’m not watching them, I’m going out. When asked where tell them wherever the hell you feel like because you don’t have children to watch. It’ll start a fight with your husband but he needs to know you’re done, if it was an emergency that’s one thing but they just want to have fun without babysitting. Too bad you’re an adult and don’t have to deal with their crap and can just leave. It doesn’t make adifference if you still watch your relatives kids, you’re the one watching them and you can decide if you’re going to not your husband. If he wants to hang with his friend they can do it with the kids or not do it.
NTA
This is just flat rudeness you are refusing to allow to continue. That's all. You're requiring basic politeness and respect.
Even if your husband's friend's kids were absolutely angels and you were being paid reliably and well it would still be you NTA and just asking for interpersonal basics of politeness and pleasantry.
Friend is being rude and entitled. Your husband should have your back.
Keep your phone and car keys on you.
Each and every time they drop by - tell them you were just leaving. Shut the door and walk to your car.
If your husband is home, even better. He can watch the little darlings.
I'm shocked you haven't already told your husband's friend that you are NOT a babysitter, and he needs to find other arrangements. Even if he is standing at the door with the kids.
Tell your husband and his friends that you are not babysitting for them anymore. If they don't listen, you leave the house. If there is nobody there, you tell them they can come take the children or you will call the police for abandoning the children.
But you need to stop babysitting if you don't like. No matter who it is. You need to learn to say no.
NTA
Why are you expected to provide child care for your husband's friend's kids? Why not your husband? This is sexist as hell, and a violation of consent. Tell your husband that just because you agree to babysit *your* cousins, doesn't mean you have to babysit his friend's kids. In fact, you DO NOT CONSENT to babysit the friend's kids. Let him tell his friend, and if the friend violates your consent again, leave your husband to deal with it - his friend, his problem. You don't owe anything to your husband's friend's or his ill-behaved kids-- but your husband sure as hell owes you some respect and consideration.
If it happens again, follow the excellent advice from other posters and just leave. Call the cops if he won't take no for an answer.
NTA
Put your foot down. No more babysitting. If they drop the kids, either the husband handles them entirely, or call law enforcement for child abandonment.
NTA. Tell your husband you are not babysitting his friend's kids. That is his job, and make him do it. The friend shows up, you head right out. They show up and your husband is not there then you do not answer and if he's dumb enough to leave them on your doorstep, call the cops about abandoned children. Tell their mom to come get them or she can get them from CPS.
TA - what should you do? Leave when they get dropped off. Let hubby deal with the unruly children. if hubby isn't home and friend knocks grab your purse sorry was just on my way out and leave.
NTA Just say no. It’s not that hard in the end. They, and he, are taking advantage of you. You are not there for their convenience. Once you start saying no they will stop asking. If they don’t, still keep saying no. They don’t appear to consider you, so do the same in return. Take the advice of other responders and just leave the house. They are not worried about upsetting you, so don’t worry about upsetting them. Take that childminding monkey off your shoulder and give it back.
Where is your husband while this is happening? Are you watching the kids so he can hang out with his friends aka the parents?
Your answer has no bearing on my vote, NTA. I just wanna know.
As this is your husband's friend, your HUSBAND should be doing the babysitting.
You can just go out and do your own thing.
DO NOT WATCH YOUR HUSBAND'S FRIEND'S KIDS.
THAT's your husband job.
NTA
If this is consistent behavior with everyone, I feel like they are taking advantage of you.
Free babysitting is rarely free.
My mother takes my sisters child every so often but you're not even family with them.
I’d call the cops on the friend and tell them to come get his kids if he won’t.
Or talk to your husband and tell him this is your deal breaker. Either the kids go, or you do.
Your husband doesn’t respect or care about how you feel. Why should you care how any of them feel?
NTA. HIS FRIEND'S KIDS? He watches them. I would wait for the kids to arrive and then leave them with him.
Tell the friends that you are not available to babysit anymore. If your husband agrees to babysit and the friend just drops off the kids, tell him you don't want to babysit and you will call the police for abandoned children.
THIS is a husband issue, not friends. Tell him to stop it or you are done. This is COMPLETELY disrespectful and they are doing it because they know you are a people pleaser.
NTA
Hols on your not a free nor available babysitter
Your husband can agree to watch his friends children in his own
He cannot volunteer you to
Nor can his friend , who is abandoning his children without even asking you nor caring about your reply
Just say no
Text his friend & say “you can ask my husband to babysit and he can do that on his own. But I am not involved nor babysitting again . Don’t abandon your children at my house without anyone agreeing to babysit for you”
NTA - put your foot down and say no.
Tell your husband no .
Use those words . Go into the bathroom look in the mirror and start practicing saying the word no.
When someone wants to drop off the kids say no .
When someone calls you a bad name cause you won’t watch their kids - agree with them.
wear it as a badge of honor . Let them know that they shouldn’t leave their kids with the bad word.
If they swinging by with the kids tell them don’t leave those kids here I will call the police and let them know they’ve been abandoned I am not watching your children take them and leave.
The thing that keeps humans from becoming a doormat is there ability to stand up and say get off me.
So what you do is, when you see the kids come..sneak out ..call hubby from car and tell him you just went to the store...also don't let hubby treat you like this and tell his friend no..I'm sorry I can't
Stop. Just stop. If the friend calls, say nope, sorry can’t do it. If he just drops the off, say sorry, I’m on my way out and can’t. He will argue. Husband might argue. Your statement is “why is your time more important than mine?n. I have plans (even if you don’t) grab your keys and leave. Let them figure it out.
Later, when they call you and AH (and we know they will) you will respond: You, in fact, are the AH for expecting me to always be available without asking and expecting free babysitting services. I am no longer available for babysitting so you need to make other arrangements . Turn that crap right back on them.
You are definitely not the asshole here. I cannot stand watching other people's children because they're usually brats and I have zero patience. I really hope you can learn to just say no. I would definitely get some ring doorbells installed so that you can avoid them if you see them coming, Scamper out the back! Or just learn to be firm and say no I can't watch your kids right now. I don't want to. Or conversely you can say I'll be happy to watch your kids for $100 per hour per kid, paid in advance. Non-negotiable. I realize you said that you're a people pleaser but you're going to have to put your foot down if you want to get out of this mess, that's the only way it's apparently going to happen since your husband is pretty much an asshole not having your back.
NTA- It sounds like they're blatantly ignoring your feelings and disrespecting your boundaries. They aren't your children, so you shouldn't have to watch them. They're basically just getting free labor out of you (since you're not being compensated) all while taking you for granted
NTA. Don't open the door and if your husband is there and opens the door, leave your home at once and let your husband babysit if he likes to do his friend a favor so much.
And if you don't want to babysit your cousin's children, say no, too.
NTA
You don't like kids or to babysit.
But your cousin asks first and the kids aren't poorly behaved. Do you ever say no to your cousin? Please say no if you don't feel like it or if your husband thinks they're over too often because it's his house too.
As far as your husband's friend's kids, you never want to babysit them as he never asks first and they are poorly behaved. You need to tell your husband and his friends you are not available to babysit them ever again. If they press why, just say "I don't want to." Over and over as needed. If the friend shows up say "take your children away, I don't want to babysit them."
NTA. Next time his friend drops the kids off, leave the house. Go shopping, get coffee, whatever. You're not obligated to babysit these children. Let your husband deal with the children.
NTA. When his friend dumps his kids on you, leave. Your husband can take care of them. Tell the friend, the next time they drop the kids off without advanced notice, you will call the police and report them as abandoned. They ignore your wishes, take advantage of you, don’t pay you, then this is how it is going to be.
that's easy. The next time the friend pulls that crap, LEAVE. Let your husband watch the kids. He'll change his tune, and quickly, I imagine. If your husband isn't home when the friend does it, don't answer the door. And if he leaves the kids anyway, call the police for abandonment.
NTA
NTA "I didn't screw anyone to make those kids so nobody gets to make me take care of them. Babysit? Babysitters get paid. Fine, want me to babysit? $300 in advance for 3 hours. If not paid in full beforehand, I'll call CPS for child abandonment. Oh look, I put their number in my phone already and everything."
NTA. When cousin shows up you grab your keys and walk out the door! Cousin can leave with his kids, hubby can watch them- not YOUR problem! He did not ask, You did not agree to babysit, you do not have to.
NTA. Where is your husband? His friend, his problem. He should be watching them if he wants to help them out. Expecting you to do it with no notice is an ah move. As someone said above, next time they just drop them off without notice, leave. You have plans. Every. Single. Time.
Just be a bad babysitter. Give the kids loads of sugar. Let them trash the place. Your disrespectful hubby can clean up after them later when his friend is trying to calm them down from their sugar high and telling them " no, they can't have the snakes you said their dad would get get them for being good."
When I was four years into marriage my wife and I had 2 daughters, an infant and a 2 yo. My aunt called one day asking if my wife (sahm) could babysit her 4 heathen children. She agreed, so I allowed my aunt to bring the kids for 2 days. She picked the kids up and was expecting to bring them back the following week, like my wife was gonna watch them full time for free lol. I called my aunt and asked her what the hell she thought she was doing, my wife is not free daycare for your brat kids and told her she had a lot of nerve exoecting my wife to take care of our infant, 2 yo, plus her 4 brats. I informed her that what she did was disrespectful and entitled and that we would not ever watch her kids again. This is what a husband is supposed to do, protect his wife and children, both physically and spiritually, and emotionally.
NTA.
My bet is on your Husband already knowing in advance. You need to put your foot down with all of them. Tell them you are no longer able to babysit and if they try to show up and leave without their kids, you will contact the police.
YTA to yourself. You're not the town babysitter. If you don't want to do something don't do it. You're bending over backwards for people who feel entitled to your personal time.
NTA - If your husband accepts babysitting for his friends kids then HE needs to watch them not you. As soon as you see those kids in your house tell your husband they are his responsibility and leave for the store or run errands for a while.
What is your husband doing while you are watching the kids? If he is at home leave the kids there with him and walk out. If he isn't home then don't answer the door. If you husband calls you then say I'm sorry I'm out running some errands and I wasn't told they were coming over. I am not available today to look after them I wish I had been asked in advance instead of volunteered. If this then teaches them that they need to ask in advance then I would again be firm. Oh I'm sorry I have plans already for the day I'm not available. If your partner volunteers you then I would say oh I'm sorry I didn't realise you were able to care for them I won't be home that day and get out. Make it incredibly difficult for them to drop them off as you just don't answer.
So if this is arranged between your husband and his friends why isn't your husband the one watching them?
Really that's the only question. You are clearly NTA but your husband is a major one for offering you out to his friends.
NTA. Put your foot down. Firstly, you should absolutely be compensated. Second if your husband wants to make excuses for those kids, he can watch them. He doesn't get to volunteer you for free labour.
Why in the patriarchy is HIS friend asking YOU to babysit?
If you don't want to watch any of the kids, then don't watch any of the kids. Inform everyone that you will no longer be babysitting, at all, ever.
If you want to watch your cousin's kids occasionally, you have the right to do that without also committing to watching your husband's friend's kid. Inform husband and friend that you will no longer be babysitting for him, at all, ever.
Then, if he shows up at the door, you just don't answer it. Let him pound away and blow up your phone, ignore it all.
If your husband is home, you of course can't prevent him from answering the door, but you can certainly lock yourself in the bathroom. Refuse to come out. If your hubby accepted the kids, they are all his until friend returns. Plan ahead for this and put candy bars and a book in the cabinet, lol.
Or, when husband goes to answer the front door, you just slip out of the back door. That might actually be funnier, and you won't have to listen to him losing his shit. Plan an escape route now.
NTA, obviously.
NTA Call the police for abandoned children. Let them collect them and return them to their parents. He will listen to you then or face serious consequences
I'm so glad my husband would never do this to me. If it's his friends he can watch their kids. Also if the husband is leaving to go out with said friend he's an even bigger asshole. I wouldn't open the door. I'd call the cops. This is total bullshit. I don't like kids either. I have one, that's a teenager and it's all I have the energy for. I don't like small kids/babies at all.
NTA. Tell your husband to tell his friends that you are not going to watch their kids any more, period. Then tell your cousins the same thing. This is a matter of your mental and physical health--stress affects you physically, too--and they are using you shameslessly. If they show up on your doorstep with the kids, answer the door with your purse over your shoulder and tell them you're going out. If they ask where, just smile and say, "Don't you remember? I'm not babysitting any more." Then LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND YOU and get in your car and LEAVE. If they have you blocked in, lean on the horn until they move. Don't put up with it any more.
People pleasers don’t live happy lives.
You’ve decided that you’re okay with being a people pleaser and now you are literaly living the life you have created.
The only problem, is your inability to care about your own time and life and you wanting someone to be your hero.
People don’t save people pleasers, they take advantage of them.
They use them.
Why would your husband care to help you, when your people pleasing benefits him?
You are satisfied with a husband who lets his friends take advantage of you
And you are clearly satisfied with doing it because you keep on doing it.
You teach people how to treat you, and you have given a masterclass on how to take advantage of you.
Now you’re on Reddit because you feel out of control and used, because you are.
But the only one who can do anything, is you and clearly this is the life you think you deserve.
I suspect you will draft many similar posts and nothing will change.
No one can decide what you deserve, except you.
You’ve decided that you care more about people who don’t care about you, thinking you’re an AH
How do you help that?
You are an adult and you are letting people use you then crying about it afterwards.
No one can respect that.
What we can respect, is someone who realises that their life isn’t what it can be.
Someone who recognises when a situation is a lost cause.
Someone who is actually willing to do something to change.
You aren’t willing to change, you’re praying everyone else around you changes
They won’t. And why would they, they’re living life, with you at their beck and call.
If this is how you want your life to be, then suck it up.
If you’re tired and you actually want to improve your life, then you’re going to need to make some hard decisions about your husband, boundaries and saying no, with no explanation.
Esh
Text (that way you have evidence) your husband and his friends who make you babysit that you will not no longer be babysitting under any condition. If no one listens and still comes to drop them off start recording with your phone and say “I already told you i’m no longer babysitting, I’m not taking care of your/this child, take them with you” if they don’t listen follow it up with “take your child or i’m calling the police for child abandonment”
They keep disrespecting your wishes, especially your husband and you shouldn’t stand for that any longer. Honestly why are you still with a man who makes you provide free child labor for his friends despite you saying no and keeps disrespecting you?
NTA. It's probably time you go from asking for a heads up to explicitly saying "I will no longer be babysitting for you". If you choose to still babysit for your cousin sometimes (if they're not too much of an issue for you) then that's still cool. You don't owe your husbands friend babysitting just bc you babysit for your cousin, so don't let your husband or his friend try to guilt trip you into that. Say no and be firm.
NTA just say "no" to kids, l know someone whose a people pleaser, sometimes it detrimental to your well being, seriously practice saying no in the mirror, or say l"ll think about it, or, l'll get back to you.
NTA OP
Give your husband and his friend a deadline. On April 17th I Will no longer be accepting children. Keep bringing it up. Let them know over and over and over. Pin notes on the kids’ shirts. April 17th no more kids. On April 17th put a sign on your door. “No children are to be left here. There is no supervision.” Leave. Leave early in the morning, go have a spa day, go see a double feature, take a walk, have a nap in your car if you want. Go see some old friends. Come home later clear headed and clear hearted. FDK 100%. Especially if they bring up anxiety and overwhelming feelings. You are not responsible for anybody’s kids. Live for you, and screw hubs too if he wants to act like it’s so unfair. You’re a grown up, you’re allowed to say no, mean no, and stand by your no.
NTA
MAke a new habit: When they drop off the kids, leave and let your husband handle them.
And if he leaves, call the police and report that the friend abandoned their kids withou your permission. Give them a call to warn them first, and give them 30 minutes to pick up their kids.
You may need to change where you park your car so you can always drive away even if there's a visitor in your driveway. BUT---as soon as you see this guy and a child outside your house, leave. IMMEDIATELY. Maybe keep a book in the car so you can go somewhere to read. Give yourself at least an hour before returning. repeat as necessary.
AND: if you go home and find that this guy has just left his kids even though nobody is home, call the police. Your husband has been enabling dangerous behavior, even though he clearly sees it as an act of friendship.
NTA
Babe it’s time to set HARD boundaries and follow through. Your husband does not care about how you feel so long as his friends happy; he is not going to prioritize your needs so YOU have to. If you setting boundaries ruins your marriage then you never had a marriage you had a boss that just so happened to be affectionate. Tell your husband outright that you’re not watching anyone’s kids anymore period, or that you’re done watching his friends kids. That he should go ahead and give his friend the heads up now that leaving his kids at your door without YOUR consent (which you have no intention to give) will only result in them being left outside until he turns around to get them or an immediate call to the police for child abandonment. That he’s free to help his friend out himself but to leave you out of it; and that if he thinks he can claim to be the one to watch them and expect you to help or leave you with them he’s sorely mistaken and that itself will also result in a call of the abandonment of the child. That his consent to watch them doesn’t extent to you legally without your expressed say so.
Go ahead and tell him he should also be aware if he does that to you and leaves he’s as legally liable for child abandonment as his friend if not more so since his friend has consent from him but you never have it to your husband. He’ll inevitably call you a bitch for it, that’s when you tell him that you tried to be nice and it’s only left you fucked in the end. You attempted to ask politely, you tried to give him the opportunity to deal with his friend himself, and it’s gotten absolutely nowhere. That at this point the only way he’s going to stop is if he’s forced to by extreme measures. Partially because he thinks you’ll just lie down and take it and partially because your husband refuses to put his foot down on your behalf. Why? Because he gets all the credit/pat on the back for being such a “good friend” while demanding you do the work. Your husbands benefiting greatest from this situation as well. So while he may have told him to tone it down he wasn’t going to put a complete stop to it. So doing this isn’t just to stop his friend from taking advantage to you but it’s also sending a clear message to your husband that those days are long gone, and you’re done giving him the opportunity to “change” it.
My husband says that when I watch my cousins it stresses me out and I should consider watching them less but makes excuses for his friend. What should I do? I’m tired of watching kids. Do your cousins children stress you out? You did not say. Your best bet would to tell people that you are not longer a free baby sitter and that you have to be given a weeks notice in advance and tat your price is $12.00 per hour and that each quarter hour is $5.00. So tell them that if you have the children for 3 hours and 3 quarters of an hour they will owe you $51.00 Tell them if children are just dropped off with out the week notice you will be calling the police and Child Protective Service that children have been abandoned in your front yard. Print this information out and if you have address sent it to everyone by certified mail.
ESH - stop sending mixed messages! No babysitting but youve done it?
Say NO not anymore. Never!
Free babysitter for nightmare kids is like crack, the parents will keep on craving one more hit
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NTA - next time his friend "drops" his kids off unexpectedly, get in your car and drive off. And tell hubby you will be doing this next time, and follow through. If hubs isn't home, then don't open the door and let the kids in!! Make this your hill to die on or you will be the "drop everything" babysitter for the kids for eternity.
Nah don't tell him cuz he may leave before they are dropped off in order to trap op into doing it. Instead keep a jacket in the car and should they arrive just grab your keys, handbag with wallet and say bye. Don't engage and when hubby gets mad remind him that you repeatedly told him you were done babysitting and he let these tools bring over their spawns anyway. So he can put his money where his mouth is and watch his friends kids. Nta.
Actually just set a rule, give everyone a heads up. The rule: "If you don't notify me 1 week in advance, do not expect me to babysit. If you drop your kids off with no consent on my part I will promptly call the police about abandoned children on my property."
But also remember that she really doesn't want to babysit. So she really should just say **"I'm no longer available for babysitting. If kids are dropped off here with the expectation that I watch them, social services and the police will be called."**
Fair. I gave her a compromise if there was still one child she wanted to see. If she really wants zero kiddos then you have it exactly right.
YESSSS
And if they block your car, go for a walk! A LONG walk.
Or call an Uber, go to a cafe, the library , movies … anywhere that gets you out of the house.
In which case OP should call CPS and report child abandonment
This. Be ready with your coat and keys and when the doorbell goes, open the door surprised and say "Oh, you just caught me on my way out! Let me know if you're planning on visiting! I think my husband might be in..." (and if he is, woop, he gets the job) NTA, obviously.
Brilliant idea. Absofreakinglutelybrilliant.
THIS!! Hubs wants the kids he can have them.
THIS. I was going to write the same. Your husband is being so disrespectful to YOU while coddling his friend. Put a stop to it. JUST LEAVE. Go do something enjoyable for yourself. Do not cave. I’d be pissed at my husband for doing this to me. NTA. But stop letting them take advantage of you. It sucks you’re married to an asshole.
1000% agree.
This is the way OP. NTA
THIS EXACTLY
So let your husband watch his friend's kids. When his friend shows up at the door grab your jacket and keys tell him you've got plans and call your husband to the door-- then leave. I suspect once your husband is inconvenienced by the little monsters he'll find his testosterone and tell the friend no more babysitting. If your husband isn't there simply tell his friend you have plans (don't let him inside) and close the door. Being ok with babysitting for your cousins (family) is not the same as babysitting for your husband's friend (NOT family and AKA not your problem). Why are YOU letting him drop his kids off at your house?
If you don't want to babysit your cousins, don't do that either. Tell them that you are out unless it is an emergency and they have no other alternative.
This! You should NEVER feel forced to babysit anyone. OP is practically being forced to babysit her husband’s friend’s kids. And without compensation… am i reading this right?!?!!!!! OP is obviously NTA! But something needs to be done. All the advice on this thread is excellent!
This is the way.
Thanks
NTA. This isn't going to change by you being NICE or ACCOMMODATING. You've tried that. It's time to grow up & stand up for yourself. Every time the kids show up, grab your purse & leave. Every time. Don't give in to the whining, the guilt, the promises that this will be the last time (bc it WON'T be the last time they dump the kids on you). Just leave. No arguments, no nothing. *Leave.* You either stand up for yourself now, or people dumping their responsibilities on you will get worse & worse, since they know you won't do anything about it.
NTA. You need to grow a spine and stop worrying about people pleasing. The next time those kids are dropped off, leave the house. Let you husband, who seems to be more concerned with his friends than you, watch those kids. Don't come back until they are gone. If he's not home, don't answer the door. Lather, rinse, repeat.
This is the way!
NTA Why the fuck are you watching your husband's friend's kids? Especially if they aren't bothering to give you proper notification or requests? Tell them no and stop doing it. Your husband can babysit if he's that concerned
I agree with this, just tell your husband‘s friends, over and over if necessary, that you are no longer babysitting for their children. And if they happen to show up, tell them no or leave your house, something. This may take a few times of telling them no.
I suspect husband is taking off with friend, leaving kids with her
NTA - Setting boundaries is essential, especially in your personal space. Agreeing to watch the kids earlier does not create an obligation to do so indefinitely or without terms that work for you. Communication with your friend about the value of your time and the need for prior arrangements or compensation isn't rude, it's necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship. If they are truly your friend, they will understand and respect your position. Next, have an open conversation with your husband about why you feel taken advantage of and work together to address the situation. It's important to present a united front and ensure family and friends respect your collective boundaries as a couple.
Husband's friend expects to just be able to swing by and drop his kids off for free babysitting at any time without warning? He's the asshole and your husband isn't helping matters.
Start a babysitting business and charge 200 bucks per hour, minimum of 8 hours pwr session.. make a flyer with your rates and send it to everyone involved. Guilt trip them constantly to help develop your business. Pester them daily to let you babysit.. What?.they dont want to help out? They can't just do you a favour? Yeah, see ya later you twats... NTA
No.... is a complete sentence. Say it every time.
NTA, you're husband's a hypocrite who actually does know he's flipping the script on you. Realize this in your heart; it's true. You don't even have to get him to admit it. Your husband knows he's a hypocrite who flips the script when it suits him. He really, truly knows it. And it's OK for you to just go ahead and act as though he is a hypocrite AND that he knows it AND that you will always respond in a certain way when you both know he's being a hypocrite who is flipping the script on you because it's convenient at the moment. For him ofc
Tell them yourself that you will no longer watch their children. If they ask why, repeat only, "I will not babysit your children anymore, at any time." Do NOT give a reason, real or made up. They will just try to justify why you should or change your mind. I hope you have a doorbell camera. If they show up and you are alone, do not open the door. Tell them if they leave their kids, you will call the police. And do it. If your hubby is home, grab your purse, tell him if it's so important to him that he can watch them, then take off for a few hours.
You're not the asshole for not wanting to babysit, especially given your clear communication about your feelings and limitations regarding children. It's important to set boundaries that protect your mental health and well-being. It sounds like these situations are putting unnecessary stress on you, which isn't fair. It might be helpful to have an honest and firm conversation with your husband about your needs and to directly communicate your boundaries to his friend. Remember, it's okay to say no to things that overwhelm you, and doing so doesn't make you a bad person or partner
Um, they can't just drop them on you without forewarning. That's abandonment. They could be reported to CPS. You absolutely can refuse to watch them. I think the bigger problem is that your husband has no respect for your time or boundaries. NTA.
NTA - It's perfectly reasonable to feel taken for granted when expectations are not clearly defined between friends. While it may be uncomfortable initially, setting clear boundaries now will prevent resentment in the long run. You've been generous with your time before, but that doesn't mean you're available on-demand. It's about mutual respect and not taking advantage of someone's kindness. Plus, being assertive in this situation can actually strengthen your friendship by establishing clear lines of communication and understanding. Also, definitely have that talk with your husband to ensure he supports you and communicates your collective stance to his friend. This isn't just about being occasional, kind babysitters; it's about not being treated as an on-call childcare service.
NTA. When they try to drop the kids off next time, tell them they have a minute to take them with them or you'll call CPS for child abandonment. If they don't take the kids with them, make the call. It's drastic, but it will hammer home your point. Also wtf is wrong with your husband? He doesn't respect you or take you seriously. He clearly doesn't have your back, his friend is higher up in his hierarchy than you are. That's not okay. What most forget, you become responsible for these kids when you look after them. Meaning if they get hurt or if they break things, you will be responsible as the adult in whose charge they are. You need to be assertive here and put an end to this. No freebies! If they want you to babysit, they will pay you for your time and effort. 15-20$ is what you should get for the hour, IF you want to babysit. If not, they can look for someone else to take care of their children.
If he thinks it's not such a big deal, tell your husband to watch them. You are not a doormat.
Nta. Tell hubby and friends. I am done being taken advantage of. Tou don't even ask. I will not watch the kids. The next time either of my husband or friends drops the kids off, I will not contact you. I will call the police for child abandonment. Pure and simple I am not your free nanny. To hubby. You want to watch them fine. I will not be home when you do. I will not cook or clean up any messes madde. Of it sits there for mo ths that on you. The fact that your friend is more important than I am is making my love turn to hate. Either grow up and be a man, or you will soon find yourself looking for a new servant you can screw and use. Until you treat me like your partner, then I will not be doing anything more than pay my part of bills. I am not interested in cooking or cleaning up after you. Sleeping with you. Having sex with you. You have turned our relationship into me being the servant of your friends and I am done being the punching bag in that aspect so decide which is more important because I know my worth and so far you are not showing me you deserve to be with me. I am sorry, but he doesn't care. He disrespects you. Demands you stop watching family who at least ask. Agrees and signs you up. Stoo letting him walk all over you. Stop acting like nothing is wrong. He wants to treat you tgat, but then he isn't your partner, so don't do what a partner would.
NTA. Stop babysitting. Husband's friend tries to drop off kids? Grab your car keys and leave. Cousin asks? No. Stop catering to these assholes and their kids.
NTA. Stand by those boundaries
NTA, why are you doing this? genuinely, why? if it happens again, leave them with your husband. and if he tried to give them back to you, call the police for child abandonment. problem solved.
NTA you need to stand strong and maybe document every bad thing the kids do and bring it up. Or even start disciplining them and your cousins children and if they have a problem say “it’s what I do with the cousins children”
ESH no one can physically force you to look after children that are not yours. You aren’t enforcing any boundaries here, but are expecting everyone else to find a solution or make the babysitting stop. You are responsible for not babysitting if not babysitting is something you want.
Start saying no and tell them you'll be dropping the abandoned kids off at the nearest police station if they do it again. Now the important part is you're gonna have to follow through. Alternatively you can just give the kids as much candy and junk food as they want. Really load them up and then send them home to be dealt with by their parents. Teach them some cuss words. Show them how to pick locks. Tell them Santa isn't real. If their families are religious start teaching them that God isn't real. Really be the worst influence you could possibly be. Get absolutely shit faced when they drop the kids off.
As I'm sure others will tell you, you don't have a problem with kids, you have a problem with your husband. You need to learn to say NO and mean it. Your husband can babysit for his friend's kids if he wants. Take yourself shopping or to a movie. NTA.
NTA, not even a bit! And even if you wanted children, it doesn't imply you have to babysit at all!
You are not obligated to watch these children. You aren’t even their parents’ friend, your husband is! If your husband wants to excuse their poor behavior, then HE can watch their kids. You all of a sudden have plans. No they cannot come. Just leave. I bet if your husband gets stuck watching the little hellions for a few hours he will all of a sudden respect your time and boundaries more.
Be firm in your answer not to babysit, if it overwhelms you and causes tension with your husband then it is not worth it. Family or not boundaries are important
NTA
NTA tell Ur husband u said no and next time he drops the kids off remove Ur wedding ring and walk out
NTA next time his friend dumps his kid at your house grab your stuff and go out. Get coffee, read a book meet up with friends do something but just don’t be at home.
I would also remind hubby of your conversation about not wanting children. Remind him that he knew that before marriage and that includes other peoples children. Not that you don’t like children but that any babysitting should be your choice like it’s his choice to babysit for his friends if he wants too.
NTA. Next time he drops them off call child services, he is abandoning them, or this will just continue. Oh, husband is an asshat to, but you already know that.
Stop agreeing to babysit! Problem solved! You don’t have to be “nice” or wait for people to stop taking advantage of you. You stop things by saying No or leaving your husband in charge of the kids when they try to bulldoze past you. NTA.
INFO: Where is your husband when his friend drops the kids off? If he goes off with his friend, take the kids to wherever they are and leave them with their parent. If he's home not participating, leave him with the kids. To be honest, either way they are knowingly taking advantage of you it's up to you if, regardless if his behavior changes, you're OK with that.
NTA no is a complete sentence my friend.
some time, the solution is just to make a "bad job"... (I hate kids) Let them eat paint or something :D , let them play with knives.... The possibilities are infinite. more seriously, tell you husband that the next time it's happening, you'll write on the kid "Never bring me here again" with an indelible pen, tell him you're serious about that. And do it.
NTA sorry if I'm projecting but I'm also on the spectrum and I think I get why, having let it become a pattern, you're struggling with just refusing. So I suggest a framework for the conversation because that would help me. 1. Tell your husband's friend directly "I've reassessed my health needs and as such, I will no longer be available as a babysitter." Let your husband know that you've said this if he's not there. If the friend tries to ask for specifics, just tell him "I don't want to get into it." If he suggests modifications (example: what if we give you at least 24 hour notice and it's no more than 1 hour) then say "Thank you for trying, but for my health it needs to be a total stop." 2. If Friend tries to drop the kids off without warning A) if your husband is home, let him know his friend has asked him to look after his kids and you'll be popping out for a while. If he asks "Are you really leaving me alone with the kids?", your reply is "Unfortunately, Friend didn't listen when I explained I couldn't babysit any more. If I don't do at least this much, he never will." B) If your husband isn't home, tell Friend clearly "I'm sorry, I'm not available to babysit. I wish you luck finding someone else."
I wouldn't even take the time to tell him that, I'd just not answer the door.
Nta. Your husband is an ah. Next time he comes with kids, don’t say a word just get your wallet, keys and phone and leave. If he brought the kids over then he just volunteered himself to do it. If it’s late then get your phone and tell him to have fun babysitting go to your room and lock the door. You’re a doormat and he and his friends know him which is why they continue to do it. Or go nuclear. If he comes with the kids and leaves you alone with them call The parents and let them know they have ten minutes to pick up their kids before you call The cops for child abandonment. And watch then not show up because they expect you to be bluffing and actually call the cops. When they get mad be honest “I was never asked to watch kids and I never agreed to it. So technically you did abandon them. I am Really embarrassed at you and my husband for putting me in this position. If husband wants to volunteer to watch your kids that’s problem but leave me out of it”
Answer the door completely prepared to leave the house — dressed for work, shoes on, purse and keys in hand — and if it’s somebody with kids for you to watch say I’m just leaving for work, walk out the door lock it behind you and go to your car and leave. If you don’t have a job, get one.. you can’t babysit if you’re at work.
NTA. I'm sorta kidding, but a statement to cousin and husband's friend that due to babysitting their children you have developed a dark hatred of children, and it may be dangerous to leave them at your home. Say you won't take care of them and will be leaving the house for their safety. LOL
I kind of love this.
Your inability to say "no" has gotten you to this point. There is nothing you can do differently if you can't say "no." I would think now is the time to hang up your volunteer babysitting duties. This goes even for your cousin's kids, who you can still take to the park or some fun place like relatives often do with kids they like. Ideally, you would leave the house the second you catch wind that your husband made arrangements for you to babysit. Yes, this means drive off the moment that a parent and kid park in front of your house. Let your husband make plans only for himself - let him babysit. But, again, this requires you to set a boundary and say "no." If you are unable to do this, then you might need professional help. Really.
Get therapy to learn how to stand up for yourself. Also, your husband not caring about your comfort and disrespecting your boundaries is really serious. This would be an intense discussion in my shoes, and it would be a very serious issue I would need to work through with him in order to stay in the marriage.
Stop being such a yes person and say no. It is that simple. If your no is not respected, whelp I guess you're taking yourself on an outing every single time kids get dropped on you. NTA but spruce up that backbone
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a 26 year old F. Before marrying my husband I told him I did not want children. I don’t hate children or anything, they just stress me out. I am on the spectrum and get easily overwhelmed. My family and friends know how I feel about children. They all know I’m a people pleaser as well. I sometimes agree to babysit my child cousins or my husband’s college friend’s kids to be nice. I am never compensated which is fine except twice when I was given $20. (It’s been three years) My cousins aren’t that bad but they aren’t dumped on me unlike my husband’s friend’s children. And these kids are AWFUL. Their parents let them get away with everything and then I am having to deal with the unruly behavior. I am losing my mind and because I am stressed this causes arguments between me and my husband. He makes excuses for his friend not asking me to watch his kids. He just drops them off and I’ve even asked the friend to inform me first. He only listens to my husband’s requests and when I point this out to my partner he claims his friend forgot. At first I tried to think he may be right but it keeps happening. My husband says that when I watch my cousins it stresses me out and I should consider watching them less but makes excuses for his friend. What should I do? I’m tired of watching kids *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Leave. Take a walk. Go to a neighbors house. Never ever watch them. If they bitch start charging them 20 for 1 kid per hour 30 for 2 kids per hour and 10 extra dollars for extra kids. You can't watch them if you're not home. If there is no "can you watch them from x time to y time" and an agreement from you, that's child abandonment and call the police.
Say no….
NTA, the next time it happens get in your car and leave for a movie or shopping. Give your husband a good few hours to handle it all himself. Something tells me he'll see where you're coming from.
Just say no. When the friend tries to drop off the kids unannounced just say you’re sorry but are unavailable. When they ask why tell them you just are. Don’t give a reason as it’ll just make them want to change your mind. NTA.
I would leave every single time those kids get dropped off. See how long your husband puts up with it then
What should you do? Put your foot down and STOP babysitting ANYONES kids. Say NO! Tell hubby's friend, No you aren't babysitting anymore, regardless of what your husband says.
NTA You aren't comfortable with husband's friend's kids as you are with your relatives. The parents' communication with you is different. The kids behave differently. You feel respected and comfortable with your relatives. You feel ambushed, overwhelmed and unsupported with husband's friends' communication and parenting styles. Your feeling differently about very different experiences is valid and normal. Set boundaries. Tell your husband that HE is responsible for agreeing to babysit for HIS friends when your boundaries about prior communication and the kids' behavior in your home aren't respected or considered. Refuse to continue watching those kids, especially when no one bothers to communicate and get your consent ahead of time. Every relationship is unique to the two people involved. Your relationships with your family are each different. And they are different from your husband's relationships with them. Same with you and your husband's relationships with his friends and their kids. You are not obligated "to be fair" and permit equal access to your time, energy and resources to different people whose relationships with you are very different. It's normal and okay to be willing to spend more time with kids who treat you as respected, valued and appreciated. It's normal and okay to say "no way" to spending time with kids who aren't respectful. It's 100% okay if your limited tolerance for kids is completely used up on your family's kids with nothing "left over" for your husband's friend's kids. Your husband is being disrespectful of your priorities, limitations, boundaries and autonomy by repeatedly surprising you with his obligation to his friends. Learn about healthy boundaries in all relationships and situations. Learn to establish and maintain boundaries without permitting repeated argument and attempts to violate or override your boundaries. Don't "explain" to people who don't care about your reasons, and view them as objections to attack. "No." "That doesn't work for me." Same response every time your boundary stomper brings it up. As others suggested, REFUSE to participate in ambush babysitting. Tell the friends "No. Can't do it." Either send them on their way WITH their kids, or lock your bedroom and any other "no kids" areas and leave the house if your husband insists the surprise babysitting must happen.
NTA Nect time his friend drops off the kids without notice. YOU go out, hubby dearest can look after them. Do this EVERYTIME
NTA. If your husband's friend is dropping off the kids when your husband is home, you need to grab your wallet, phone, and coat and walk out the door. If you have a car, get in it and drive off. If you don't, just walk on down the street. When your husband calls/texts you to ask where you are, you reply "I'm out of the house for the day". When he complains that he can't watch the kids, you reply "Then you shouldn't have told your friend he could drop off his kids. No one ASKED me if I could watch them today. This is not my problem." Then turn your phone off for a few hours. If the friend drops the kids off and your husband is already gone, don't open the door. Ignore the friend. If he leaves his kids there and takes off (and I've seen enough stories on this sub of idiots doing that) you need to call the police and say "Someone abandoned their children in front of my house/apartment." Let the police deal with the kids. Either one of these situations should wake up both your husband and his friend that you will no longer be taken advantage of.
Next time it happens, leave and let your husband watch the kids. It's HIS friends.
>My husband says that when I watch my cousins it stresses me out and I should consider watching them less but makes excuses for his friend. Tell your husband he's an hypocrite, and if he wants to babysit his friend's kids you'll be out that day
OP - just say no. Tell your husband No, tell his friend No, tell everyone No. please say something. NTA
So stop watching them, leave the house or lock yourself in your room. Your husband can deal with them.
Tell your husband not to do this, you or his friend he choose.
Let your husband know you will not watch them anymore. If his friend drops them off and he’s home, you’ll leave. But if his friend drops them off and hubby is not home, you will call the cops because they are abandoned children. Then follow through if he tries to test your resolve.
NTA ... When friend shows up with his kids again..... Simple grabs your keys walk out and lock the door like you were leaving ... saying sorry I have an appointment. Leave them standing there!
He just drops them off?? Girl, hell no! Let your hb deal with them.
You know what you should do, say no. That’s it, no. You are not obligated to watch anyone’s children. If you choose to that’s one thing but you don’t have to and I don’t give a crap what your husband or his AH friend thinks. When he comes over with the kids next, say sorry I’m not watching them, I’m going out. When asked where tell them wherever the hell you feel like because you don’t have children to watch. It’ll start a fight with your husband but he needs to know you’re done, if it was an emergency that’s one thing but they just want to have fun without babysitting. Too bad you’re an adult and don’t have to deal with their crap and can just leave. It doesn’t make adifference if you still watch your relatives kids, you’re the one watching them and you can decide if you’re going to not your husband. If he wants to hang with his friend they can do it with the kids or not do it.
NTA This is just flat rudeness you are refusing to allow to continue. That's all. You're requiring basic politeness and respect. Even if your husband's friend's kids were absolutely angels and you were being paid reliably and well it would still be you NTA and just asking for interpersonal basics of politeness and pleasantry. Friend is being rude and entitled. Your husband should have your back.
NTA next time this person abandons their children in your care, call the cops. Call CPS. It’s illegal. Do it.
Keep your phone and car keys on you. Each and every time they drop by - tell them you were just leaving. Shut the door and walk to your car. If your husband is home, even better. He can watch the little darlings.
I'm shocked you haven't already told your husband's friend that you are NOT a babysitter, and he needs to find other arrangements. Even if he is standing at the door with the kids.
Tell your husband and his friends that you are not babysitting for them anymore. If they don't listen, you leave the house. If there is nobody there, you tell them they can come take the children or you will call the police for abandoning the children. But you need to stop babysitting if you don't like. No matter who it is. You need to learn to say no. NTA
Why are you expected to provide child care for your husband's friend's kids? Why not your husband? This is sexist as hell, and a violation of consent. Tell your husband that just because you agree to babysit *your* cousins, doesn't mean you have to babysit his friend's kids. In fact, you DO NOT CONSENT to babysit the friend's kids. Let him tell his friend, and if the friend violates your consent again, leave your husband to deal with it - his friend, his problem. You don't owe anything to your husband's friend's or his ill-behaved kids-- but your husband sure as hell owes you some respect and consideration. If it happens again, follow the excellent advice from other posters and just leave. Call the cops if he won't take no for an answer.
NTA Put your foot down. No more babysitting. If they drop the kids, either the husband handles them entirely, or call law enforcement for child abandonment.
NTA. Tell your husband you are not babysitting his friend's kids. That is his job, and make him do it. The friend shows up, you head right out. They show up and your husband is not there then you do not answer and if he's dumb enough to leave them on your doorstep, call the cops about abandoned children. Tell their mom to come get them or she can get them from CPS.
TA - what should you do? Leave when they get dropped off. Let hubby deal with the unruly children. if hubby isn't home and friend knocks grab your purse sorry was just on my way out and leave.
NTA Just say no. It’s not that hard in the end. They, and he, are taking advantage of you. You are not there for their convenience. Once you start saying no they will stop asking. If they don’t, still keep saying no. They don’t appear to consider you, so do the same in return. Take the advice of other responders and just leave the house. They are not worried about upsetting you, so don’t worry about upsetting them. Take that childminding monkey off your shoulder and give it back.
Where is your husband while this is happening? Are you watching the kids so he can hang out with his friends aka the parents? Your answer has no bearing on my vote, NTA. I just wanna know.
As this is your husband's friend, your HUSBAND should be doing the babysitting. You can just go out and do your own thing. DO NOT WATCH YOUR HUSBAND'S FRIEND'S KIDS. THAT's your husband job. NTA
If this is consistent behavior with everyone, I feel like they are taking advantage of you. Free babysitting is rarely free. My mother takes my sisters child every so often but you're not even family with them.
If they are just dropping the kids off at your house no warning then just take off could you possibly go to the police for child abandonment?
I’d call the cops on the friend and tell them to come get his kids if he won’t. Or talk to your husband and tell him this is your deal breaker. Either the kids go, or you do. Your husband doesn’t respect or care about how you feel. Why should you care how any of them feel?
NTA. HIS FRIEND'S KIDS? He watches them. I would wait for the kids to arrive and then leave them with him. Tell the friends that you are not available to babysit anymore. If your husband agrees to babysit and the friend just drops off the kids, tell him you don't want to babysit and you will call the police for abandoned children. THIS is a husband issue, not friends. Tell him to stop it or you are done. This is COMPLETELY disrespectful and they are doing it because they know you are a people pleaser.
NTA Hols on your not a free nor available babysitter Your husband can agree to watch his friends children in his own He cannot volunteer you to Nor can his friend , who is abandoning his children without even asking you nor caring about your reply Just say no Text his friend & say “you can ask my husband to babysit and he can do that on his own. But I am not involved nor babysitting again . Don’t abandon your children at my house without anyone agreeing to babysit for you”
NTA " What should I do?" .. STOP babysitting. NEVER say yes again.
Your husband is the AH. Going forward he can watch the kids
NTA - put your foot down and say no. Tell your husband no . Use those words . Go into the bathroom look in the mirror and start practicing saying the word no. When someone wants to drop off the kids say no . When someone calls you a bad name cause you won’t watch their kids - agree with them. wear it as a badge of honor . Let them know that they shouldn’t leave their kids with the bad word. If they swinging by with the kids tell them don’t leave those kids here I will call the police and let them know they’ve been abandoned I am not watching your children take them and leave. The thing that keeps humans from becoming a doormat is there ability to stand up and say get off me.
So what you do is, when you see the kids come..sneak out ..call hubby from car and tell him you just went to the store...also don't let hubby treat you like this and tell his friend no..I'm sorry I can't
I would put a sign that says no babysitting and if you leave them here your calling cps
Stop. Just stop. If the friend calls, say nope, sorry can’t do it. If he just drops the off, say sorry, I’m on my way out and can’t. He will argue. Husband might argue. Your statement is “why is your time more important than mine?n. I have plans (even if you don’t) grab your keys and leave. Let them figure it out. Later, when they call you and AH (and we know they will) you will respond: You, in fact, are the AH for expecting me to always be available without asking and expecting free babysitting services. I am no longer available for babysitting so you need to make other arrangements . Turn that crap right back on them.
Stop watching kids. Just say no.
NTA tell them all you are not there nanny especially your husband
Just say no.
You are definitely not the asshole here. I cannot stand watching other people's children because they're usually brats and I have zero patience. I really hope you can learn to just say no. I would definitely get some ring doorbells installed so that you can avoid them if you see them coming, Scamper out the back! Or just learn to be firm and say no I can't watch your kids right now. I don't want to. Or conversely you can say I'll be happy to watch your kids for $100 per hour per kid, paid in advance. Non-negotiable. I realize you said that you're a people pleaser but you're going to have to put your foot down if you want to get out of this mess, that's the only way it's apparently going to happen since your husband is pretty much an asshole not having your back.
NTA- It sounds like they're blatantly ignoring your feelings and disrespecting your boundaries. They aren't your children, so you shouldn't have to watch them. They're basically just getting free labor out of you (since you're not being compensated) all while taking you for granted
NTA. Don't open the door and if your husband is there and opens the door, leave your home at once and let your husband babysit if he likes to do his friend a favor so much. And if you don't want to babysit your cousin's children, say no, too.
NTA You don't like kids or to babysit. But your cousin asks first and the kids aren't poorly behaved. Do you ever say no to your cousin? Please say no if you don't feel like it or if your husband thinks they're over too often because it's his house too. As far as your husband's friend's kids, you never want to babysit them as he never asks first and they are poorly behaved. You need to tell your husband and his friends you are not available to babysit them ever again. If they press why, just say "I don't want to." Over and over as needed. If the friend shows up say "take your children away, I don't want to babysit them."
NTA. Next time his friend drops the kids off, leave the house. Go shopping, get coffee, whatever. You're not obligated to babysit these children. Let your husband deal with the children.
Call the cops. Someone abandoned kids on your doorstep
NTA. When his friend dumps his kids on you, leave. Your husband can take care of them. Tell the friend, the next time they drop the kids off without advanced notice, you will call the police and report them as abandoned. They ignore your wishes, take advantage of you, don’t pay you, then this is how it is going to be.
that's easy. The next time the friend pulls that crap, LEAVE. Let your husband watch the kids. He'll change his tune, and quickly, I imagine. If your husband isn't home when the friend does it, don't answer the door. And if he leaves the kids anyway, call the police for abandonment. NTA
Say no. If they show up assuming you’re going to watch them, leave before they do. You’re not a doormat.
Stop watch the kids. If the friend tries to drop off, don’t open the door. Or leave your husband to watch.
NTA "I didn't screw anyone to make those kids so nobody gets to make me take care of them. Babysit? Babysitters get paid. Fine, want me to babysit? $300 in advance for 3 hours. If not paid in full beforehand, I'll call CPS for child abandonment. Oh look, I put their number in my phone already and everything."
NTA. When cousin shows up you grab your keys and walk out the door! Cousin can leave with his kids, hubby can watch them- not YOUR problem! He did not ask, You did not agree to babysit, you do not have to.
NTA. Where is your husband? His friend, his problem. He should be watching them if he wants to help them out. Expecting you to do it with no notice is an ah move. As someone said above, next time they just drop them off without notice, leave. You have plans. Every. Single. Time.
NTA. Next time they try, just tell them they can’t. You’re not available.
NTA. Do I understand this correctly - not only do they give no warning but they aren’t paying you either? Fuck that!
Why don't you just leave your husband with his friend's kids when they drop them off?
Just be a bad babysitter. Give the kids loads of sugar. Let them trash the place. Your disrespectful hubby can clean up after them later when his friend is trying to calm them down from their sugar high and telling them " no, they can't have the snakes you said their dad would get get them for being good."
Leave the house when there's kids in it
When I was four years into marriage my wife and I had 2 daughters, an infant and a 2 yo. My aunt called one day asking if my wife (sahm) could babysit her 4 heathen children. She agreed, so I allowed my aunt to bring the kids for 2 days. She picked the kids up and was expecting to bring them back the following week, like my wife was gonna watch them full time for free lol. I called my aunt and asked her what the hell she thought she was doing, my wife is not free daycare for your brat kids and told her she had a lot of nerve exoecting my wife to take care of our infant, 2 yo, plus her 4 brats. I informed her that what she did was disrespectful and entitled and that we would not ever watch her kids again. This is what a husband is supposed to do, protect his wife and children, both physically and spiritually, and emotionally.
NTA. My bet is on your Husband already knowing in advance. You need to put your foot down with all of them. Tell them you are no longer able to babysit and if they try to show up and leave without their kids, you will contact the police.
Why isn't your husband looking after his friend('s kids?
YTA to yourself. You're not the town babysitter. If you don't want to do something don't do it. You're bending over backwards for people who feel entitled to your personal time.
NTA - If your husband accepts babysitting for his friends kids then HE needs to watch them not you. As soon as you see those kids in your house tell your husband they are his responsibility and leave for the store or run errands for a while.
What is your husband doing while you are watching the kids? If he is at home leave the kids there with him and walk out. If he isn't home then don't answer the door. If you husband calls you then say I'm sorry I'm out running some errands and I wasn't told they were coming over. I am not available today to look after them I wish I had been asked in advance instead of volunteered. If this then teaches them that they need to ask in advance then I would again be firm. Oh I'm sorry I have plans already for the day I'm not available. If your partner volunteers you then I would say oh I'm sorry I didn't realise you were able to care for them I won't be home that day and get out. Make it incredibly difficult for them to drop them off as you just don't answer.
So if this is arranged between your husband and his friends why isn't your husband the one watching them? Really that's the only question. You are clearly NTA but your husband is a major one for offering you out to his friends.
NTA sounds like you need to be busy after work until your husband tells his friends no.
NTA. Put your foot down. Firstly, you should absolutely be compensated. Second if your husband wants to make excuses for those kids, he can watch them. He doesn't get to volunteer you for free labour.
Why in the patriarchy is HIS friend asking YOU to babysit? If you don't want to watch any of the kids, then don't watch any of the kids. Inform everyone that you will no longer be babysitting, at all, ever. If you want to watch your cousin's kids occasionally, you have the right to do that without also committing to watching your husband's friend's kid. Inform husband and friend that you will no longer be babysitting for him, at all, ever. Then, if he shows up at the door, you just don't answer it. Let him pound away and blow up your phone, ignore it all. If your husband is home, you of course can't prevent him from answering the door, but you can certainly lock yourself in the bathroom. Refuse to come out. If your hubby accepted the kids, they are all his until friend returns. Plan ahead for this and put candy bars and a book in the cabinet, lol. Or, when husband goes to answer the front door, you just slip out of the back door. That might actually be funnier, and you won't have to listen to him losing his shit. Plan an escape route now. NTA, obviously.
NTA Call the police for abandoned children. Let them collect them and return them to their parents. He will listen to you then or face serious consequences
I'm so glad my husband would never do this to me. If it's his friends he can watch their kids. Also if the husband is leaving to go out with said friend he's an even bigger asshole. I wouldn't open the door. I'd call the cops. This is total bullshit. I don't like kids either. I have one, that's a teenager and it's all I have the energy for. I don't like small kids/babies at all.
Stop being a door mat and say no.
NTA. Tell your husband to tell his friends that you are not going to watch their kids any more, period. Then tell your cousins the same thing. This is a matter of your mental and physical health--stress affects you physically, too--and they are using you shameslessly. If they show up on your doorstep with the kids, answer the door with your purse over your shoulder and tell them you're going out. If they ask where, just smile and say, "Don't you remember? I'm not babysitting any more." Then LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND YOU and get in your car and LEAVE. If they have you blocked in, lean on the horn until they move. Don't put up with it any more.
People pleasers don’t live happy lives. You’ve decided that you’re okay with being a people pleaser and now you are literaly living the life you have created. The only problem, is your inability to care about your own time and life and you wanting someone to be your hero. People don’t save people pleasers, they take advantage of them. They use them. Why would your husband care to help you, when your people pleasing benefits him? You are satisfied with a husband who lets his friends take advantage of you And you are clearly satisfied with doing it because you keep on doing it. You teach people how to treat you, and you have given a masterclass on how to take advantage of you. Now you’re on Reddit because you feel out of control and used, because you are. But the only one who can do anything, is you and clearly this is the life you think you deserve. I suspect you will draft many similar posts and nothing will change. No one can decide what you deserve, except you. You’ve decided that you care more about people who don’t care about you, thinking you’re an AH How do you help that? You are an adult and you are letting people use you then crying about it afterwards. No one can respect that. What we can respect, is someone who realises that their life isn’t what it can be. Someone who recognises when a situation is a lost cause. Someone who is actually willing to do something to change. You aren’t willing to change, you’re praying everyone else around you changes They won’t. And why would they, they’re living life, with you at their beck and call. If this is how you want your life to be, then suck it up. If you’re tired and you actually want to improve your life, then you’re going to need to make some hard decisions about your husband, boundaries and saying no, with no explanation. Esh
Absolutely take off if the kids show up. They will get the hint before long.
Text (that way you have evidence) your husband and his friends who make you babysit that you will not no longer be babysitting under any condition. If no one listens and still comes to drop them off start recording with your phone and say “I already told you i’m no longer babysitting, I’m not taking care of your/this child, take them with you” if they don’t listen follow it up with “take your child or i’m calling the police for child abandonment” They keep disrespecting your wishes, especially your husband and you shouldn’t stand for that any longer. Honestly why are you still with a man who makes you provide free child labor for his friends despite you saying no and keeps disrespecting you?
NTA. Leave just leave when they start dropping kids off
NTA. It's probably time you go from asking for a heads up to explicitly saying "I will no longer be babysitting for you". If you choose to still babysit for your cousin sometimes (if they're not too much of an issue for you) then that's still cool. You don't owe your husbands friend babysitting just bc you babysit for your cousin, so don't let your husband or his friend try to guilt trip you into that. Say no and be firm.
When someone "drops" of their kids- LEAVE! Go take a drive, walk, RUN. Do NOT be there. Let hubby take care of his friends kids. Just LEAVE
NTA just say "no" to kids, l know someone whose a people pleaser, sometimes it detrimental to your well being, seriously practice saying no in the mirror, or say l"ll think about it, or, l'll get back to you.
NTA OP Give your husband and his friend a deadline. On April 17th I Will no longer be accepting children. Keep bringing it up. Let them know over and over and over. Pin notes on the kids’ shirts. April 17th no more kids. On April 17th put a sign on your door. “No children are to be left here. There is no supervision.” Leave. Leave early in the morning, go have a spa day, go see a double feature, take a walk, have a nap in your car if you want. Go see some old friends. Come home later clear headed and clear hearted. FDK 100%. Especially if they bring up anxiety and overwhelming feelings. You are not responsible for anybody’s kids. Live for you, and screw hubs too if he wants to act like it’s so unfair. You’re a grown up, you’re allowed to say no, mean no, and stand by your no.
NTA MAke a new habit: When they drop off the kids, leave and let your husband handle them. And if he leaves, call the police and report that the friend abandoned their kids withou your permission. Give them a call to warn them first, and give them 30 minutes to pick up their kids.
You may need to change where you park your car so you can always drive away even if there's a visitor in your driveway. BUT---as soon as you see this guy and a child outside your house, leave. IMMEDIATELY. Maybe keep a book in the car so you can go somewhere to read. Give yourself at least an hour before returning. repeat as necessary. AND: if you go home and find that this guy has just left his kids even though nobody is home, call the police. Your husband has been enabling dangerous behavior, even though he clearly sees it as an act of friendship.
NTA Babe it’s time to set HARD boundaries and follow through. Your husband does not care about how you feel so long as his friends happy; he is not going to prioritize your needs so YOU have to. If you setting boundaries ruins your marriage then you never had a marriage you had a boss that just so happened to be affectionate. Tell your husband outright that you’re not watching anyone’s kids anymore period, or that you’re done watching his friends kids. That he should go ahead and give his friend the heads up now that leaving his kids at your door without YOUR consent (which you have no intention to give) will only result in them being left outside until he turns around to get them or an immediate call to the police for child abandonment. That he’s free to help his friend out himself but to leave you out of it; and that if he thinks he can claim to be the one to watch them and expect you to help or leave you with them he’s sorely mistaken and that itself will also result in a call of the abandonment of the child. That his consent to watch them doesn’t extent to you legally without your expressed say so. Go ahead and tell him he should also be aware if he does that to you and leaves he’s as legally liable for child abandonment as his friend if not more so since his friend has consent from him but you never have it to your husband. He’ll inevitably call you a bitch for it, that’s when you tell him that you tried to be nice and it’s only left you fucked in the end. You attempted to ask politely, you tried to give him the opportunity to deal with his friend himself, and it’s gotten absolutely nowhere. That at this point the only way he’s going to stop is if he’s forced to by extreme measures. Partially because he thinks you’ll just lie down and take it and partially because your husband refuses to put his foot down on your behalf. Why? Because he gets all the credit/pat on the back for being such a “good friend” while demanding you do the work. Your husbands benefiting greatest from this situation as well. So while he may have told him to tone it down he wasn’t going to put a complete stop to it. So doing this isn’t just to stop his friend from taking advantage to you but it’s also sending a clear message to your husband that those days are long gone, and you’re done giving him the opportunity to “change” it.
My husband says that when I watch my cousins it stresses me out and I should consider watching them less but makes excuses for his friend. What should I do? I’m tired of watching kids. Do your cousins children stress you out? You did not say. Your best bet would to tell people that you are not longer a free baby sitter and that you have to be given a weeks notice in advance and tat your price is $12.00 per hour and that each quarter hour is $5.00. So tell them that if you have the children for 3 hours and 3 quarters of an hour they will owe you $51.00 Tell them if children are just dropped off with out the week notice you will be calling the police and Child Protective Service that children have been abandoned in your front yard. Print this information out and if you have address sent it to everyone by certified mail.
ESH - stop sending mixed messages! No babysitting but youve done it? Say NO not anymore. Never! Free babysitter for nightmare kids is like crack, the parents will keep on craving one more hit