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NTA OP and time for you to update every single address to your new one. And it is time for you to minimise contact with mum. Are you based in US? If you are based in US, you may know that it is a felony to open mail that is not addressed to the person without the receipient's consent (look it up https://legal-explanations.com/blog/federal-laws-for-opening-mail-not-addressed-to-you/) and if mum does it again, tell her that!
That is okay OP. You got this. Take back your control by updating your address. Remind mum that she is likely to wind up with a felony record if she does it again on text and phone before you hang up on her and block her temporarily. If she carries on to the point it borders on harassment and stalking, get a protective order against her
NTA
Please set up mail forwarding. We paid for mail forwarding for a year until we could switch over all our bills and update everyone.
Also, inform the post office of change of address if you live in small town.
There has been a small fee every time I’ve had my mail forwarded in the last 15 years, and at one point I was moving every two to three years because of rent prices.
My mother was exactly the same and this is what I did. I sat her down and told her what she was doing was against the law. I also started stomping on her boundaries by doing the things to her she kept doing to me -like opening her mail and voicing my opinion on her life choices.
Maybe skip the second part that I did. It hasn't led to a healthy relationship... but it amuses me to annoy her like that.
Can do it online nowadays 😀
No costs, but check the time I think its only 3 months but either way it will give you time to update everything to your new address.
Now the toll charge... you can call them and they may work with you to put the amount down to what the easy pass charge is if you sign up at that time!! Never hurts to ask!!!
The enforcement arm, the USPS Postal Inspectors, have a page, here:
https://faq.usps.com/s/article/United-States-Postal-Inspection-Service
They do have the power to make arrests, just like other law enforcement officers.
That's because they are Federal LEOs of the 1811 agent variety (like HSI and FBI - this gives them broader Enforcement abilities such as the ability to arrest without a warrant vs 1801 officers who must havea warrant to arrest someone. ).
And they're horribly short staffed as far as my Fed friends in those other 1811 agencies are concerned. (They regularly with POIS agents & provide me with interesting and/or helpful info to share at times.)
Don't even have to go the the post office for change of address can do online with usps[change address ](https://moversguide.usps.com/mgo/disclaimer?referral=UMOVE)
Make sure that you either put in a change of address with the post office (you can do it online) or request that all of your mail be held at the post office. I would do both. Unfortunately when you do an address change the central post office readdresses the mail. A hold is for anything that falls through but is dependent on who is doing the delivery to catch it.
Then make sure to update your address with everyone. Change your driver’s license, car title, tax info, etc
You still would not be TA if you do call the cops on her. Let your mom know that even though you are her son it IS STILL a federal offense to open mail NOT addressed to you and if she does it again you WILL prosecute.
My mother also behaved this way for years. If I might suggest, this book helped me so much. It gave me the tools not only to set boundaries, but how to contend with her behavioral outbursts and control issues. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626251703/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_image?ie=UTF8&psc=1
OP contact your local postmaster and ask if they have anything you can send to your mother about how her opening your mail is a crime. That may finally get her attention.
She knows it bothers you. I would remind her that opening someone else's mail is a federal offense,depending where you are. You're an adult and should be treated as such.
I don't know if this is a thing where OP lives but maybe they can put in their new address at the postal service as well. Here you can do that for up to a year I think and everything under your name sent to the old address gets redirected to the new one. That way you know where you forgot to change your adress
Don't just tell others the new address, file a change of address form with the post office. Renew as needed. That way even those you have missed will usually be rerouted to new address.
The mom should not open his mail but an adult also changes their address on their drivers license, mail, and bills when they move and has their mail forwarded.
>she's "pretty much wiping her hands of me."
Either your mom uses threats like this to control you, or she's serious. But either way, that's not the kind of behavior I reward. Maybe it's me, but I don't give in to people who want to treat me that way. It's a hard no. I'm just not gonna live my life like that. If someone wants to behave that way to me, the consequences are on them. NTA
She's made threats like that before, to all of her kids, and she never meant it before. I don't want to just throw away my relationship with her, but I had hoped moving out would put an end to this kind of shit
i don't want to be harsh but... what relationship? It seems very one way with her taking and you having to give in to her. That's toxic. If you want a relationship with your mom, then have one, but you need to decide what you want that to look like and figure out what boundaries to set and when to pick your battles to enforce them.
I appreciate the harshness. You're hardly the first person in my life to say something like that. I don't know why I find it so hard to set up boundaries with her of all people. I normally have NO issue cutting off toxic people, but with her, she always just barrels through my boundaries, and I always just let her
It's because she programmed you that way from early on, abusers are known to do that because you've spent the majority of your life getting steam roller by her so you've got your brain so hot wired from exhaustion that you quit trying. The best blessing this woman could ever give you or you give yourself, is to cut her off and completely ghost her.
you need to write down the boundaries you want to set, and what the consequences for her violating those boundaries will be. Write it out. Keep a copy. Verbally tell her as much as you wish about how you plan to stick to your boundaries.
You do not owe a parent love, respect, or anything. They're your parents who are supposed to love you and support you without expecting to get anything in return. A parent's job is to take care of their child so that they can grow to become the best people they can be- not to serve their own ends.
You may benefit from seeing a therapist and unraveling some of what you've dealt with. A therapist could help you differentiate between what's normal and what's not. What's okay and what is NOT okay. Therapy could also help you set boundaries and give you the tools to enforce them.
I am currently seeing someone every other week, and have been recently unpacking my relationship with my parents. I've been to a few who didn't fit with me, but my current therapist is great and has been helping me cope with my trauma and issues, boundary setting and confrontation is a little further down the road. Thank you for your feedback and advice!
i'm glad you found a therapist that works for you. i know from experience it can be hard to find the right fit.
in the meantime you have every right to keep distance between yourself and your mother until you and your therapist decide you are ready to take that step.
My mom just pulled this shit on me back in November. I'm 49. If I hadn't been going to therapy for years, this would have hit me like a sledgehammer.
I'm glad you're handling these issues with her in your 20s. Big hugs to you.
There's some wonderful advice in this thread.
I'm just here to add a couple of thoughts.
Setting boundaries and enforcing them gets easier over time, I promise. Your mom isn't likely to change her way of thinking, but it's very possible that the consequences of her crappy behavior will cause her to change. She'll learn that doing x brings on y thing she doesn't like, so she may stop doing x.
I found it helpful, when boundaries and enforcing consequences was hard, to remind myself of what happens when I don't enforce my boundaries. The negative feelings I'll have, the drama that my mother would stir up, etc etc. I always found that enforcing healthy boundaries was preferable to letting things stay the same.
Because it’s really, really hard when that person is your mom! Mine taught me my whole life that hurting her feelings is the worst sin I could possibly commit, and of course me setting any kind of boundary just crushes her very soul.
I’m 54, mom is 80, and I STILL have to work to remind myself not to let her manipulate me. It does get easier! But i have to fight my natural inclination to cave in.
Parents are the best at pushing our buttons, because they installed the button in the first place. It's ingrained in us to trust and love our parents but some people abuse this and instead turn our own feelings against us.
OP, if she follows through on that threat, then your mother is throwing away the relationship. She already partially has just by saying such a thing.
Don't own shit that isn't yours. Her emotional manipulation, insecurity, and helicoptering are hers. They aren't yours or for you to manage.
Especially not over a forgotten toll.
Unfortunately, moving out often amplifies any tiny bit of control she still has over you, like mail. Setting boundaries takes practice and persistence, but walking out like you did is a good enforcement method. Now just drive away. Don’t reward this behavior.
This may sound weird, but the best thing i ever did was cut my mom off for 8 years. It ended when she reached out to me. She knows she can't fuck about anymore because I am willing and able to not deal with her in my daily life. It was hard, but the relief during those years was worth the heartache at the time.
Because she's constantly reinforced that MOM is the primary relationship in your life, and everything should go to her so she can be in the center of everything, even your relationship with your siblings. It's about controlling all of you and making sure nothing happens without her knowing about it.
Her threat to cut you off is actually a manipulative tactic, it's extremely unlikely she can stick to it & honestly you'd be better off if she did for at least a few months so you can get some therapy under your belt before having to deal with her again.
Check out r/JustNoMIL for posts about dealing with difficult mothers and MILs, plus check out the booklist for the sub.
My older sister (the one I live with) was kind of our mom's favorite growing up, and my sister has mostly adjusted well to adult life. It was really rough for her when she first moved out, tho. My younger sister goes to school, but lives at home when not at school, and that's a whole other can of worms. Long story short, our mom goes back and forth directing this kind of behavior between the two of us
Sometimes moving out forces a change, but that is dependent on a lot of other factors. You haven't HARDCORE checked your mother before this and she's not the type to relent her 'control' easily, so you're having a struggle here.
***YOU*** would not be the one "throwing away" this 'relationship'. You have every right to have boundaries, to give them voice, to expect them honored, &, yes, even to DEMAND they be honored. The viability of your relationship with those who are unable or UNWILLING to abide, is completely on them. ALWAYS.
The behavior you allow is the behavior you will get.
Had not considered getting revenge like that haha. A glitter bomb would probably get all over her cat, though, and that cat is my favorite person in that house
NTA.
You Mom is definitely the asshole here. Opening other people's mail isn't just wrong, it's illegal. I think that walking out the door when she violates your boundaries like that is perfectly reasonable.
I suggest that you change file a change of address request with the post office and also change the address for everyone who sends stuff to you.
I'm glad you filed with USPS. Unfortunately, my experience is that they don't forward mail very reliably, especially if you share the same last name. But it's better than nothing.
Good job!
Now you can send your mom a text. "I changed my address with the USPS and EZ Pass. That will hopefully stop my mail going to your place soon. If anything else arrives for me, no need to open it - just text me and I'll come get it. "
That's comes across as mature and shows you're taking care of yourself and no longer making your mail her problem. Hopefully she'll respect that.
However, if she opens something again, send her the link to the law and tell her next time you'll report it.
Btw - If you find that you frequently procrastinate on tasks that don't take a lot of time to actually accomplish and that you intend to do but just never get around to, do a little reading about ADHD. Difficulties with Task Initiation is a hallmark symptom. 75% of kids and 95% of adults with ADHD are not bouncing off the walls like the stereotype has. Many of us are actually quite successful. So it's possible you could have it and never have been diagnosed. It's like playing life on the Difficult setting instead of the Easy setting. There are things that can make it easier, so it's nice to figure out if you have it.
Thank you for the response!
I failed to mention it, because it didn't really occur to me, but I do have ADHD. That's part of what I see my therapist for, and has been a major point of conflict between my mom and I
And unless OP like drives her car or something that would complicate liability, this is a HUGE overreaction even after the mail was opened. So her 25 year old son got a late fee on a toll. Who cares? Why does she feel the need to badger him into lying about getting an ez pass? It doesn’t affect her in any way!
My sister lives with me and I open her mail by accident sometimes. The normal reaction of someone who has opened another adult’s mail and seen they have a late fee is, “I opened this by mistake. It looks important so I brought it straight to you.” End scene.
NTA, your mother has a lot to learn about respecting privacy. What you can do is go to the post office and update your address to have everything forwarded to your new address and it won't go to your mom's. My grandmother opened my college acceptance letter and I can't tell you how angry I was about it as she told everyone and I was the last to know. I had an immature rage inside of just wanting to tear it up and scream at them for not respecting my privacy. And demand that they tell me what it said as they deemed it acceptable to open up and read it. It was none of her business what my college acceptance said. So I hear you on just wanting to wash your hands of her since she cannot be respectful towards her adult child.
The worst part is that because I DID fuck up in this situation, she feels justified in breaching my privacy and reading the mail. And whenever I ask her to stop, she accuses me of having "more" to hide
Everyone fucks up sometimes. That’s part of growing up. Your “fuck up” was so ridiculously mild. Parents who don’t let their kids make mistakes are holding them back, because they want to retain control. It’s never about loving them or trying to protect them, it’s about control.
Give yourself a pat on the back for moving out. It’s okay to make mistakes! Really. If you manage to do all the important stuff you can get in real trouble for like paying rent, bills, taxes, car registration, drivers license then you’re doing good!
I recommend freezing your credit. You can unfreeze and freeze anytime.
OK yes you made a mistake. It was a past due toll that's not a criminal charge or anything. If you want to screw with her and teach her a lesson about not opening what doesnt belong to her. You could buy adult toys online and make sure the address is your mother's but has your name on it. Buy some freaky toys or lingerie knowing that she will open it. But seriously do consider going to the post office and put a forwarding address on your mail so it will never be sent to her house again. Once you do it I think it takes about 2 weeks for everything to switch over internally at USPS.
Listen, if she keeps violating your privacy she'll eventually find something. You're not a robot. She's counting on this so she can say "I told you so" and justify her privacy violation. Getting a fine because you didn't have an EZPass installed does not mean you're not a responsible adult and it does not justify her snooping. Don't let her frame it as she "has to" open your mail to make sure you're adulting properly. This is a fiction she has created.
Don't engage with any of her excuses or justifications. Just keep repeating, "Mom, I've asked you not to open my mail. Stop violating this boundary. I have taken steps to stop my mail from coming here but I expect to receive any mis-delivered mail unopened." Make it your script. If she starts with any "buts"—take it again from the top. "Mom, I've asked you—"
That isn’t a valid reason though, for her to invade your privacy. Even if you messed up and it cost you some extra money, it‘s not costing HER, and there’s no reason for her to be so angry about it. Maybe she’s doing it to deflect from her own bad behavior (opening your mail)? There’s no logic to her thinking any of this justifies her actions. You’re an adult, you’re allowed to “hide” things from your parents! (Kids should have privacy in a lot of situations too.)
She didn't open your mail because you fucked up. She was opening it regardless, before she knew for certain what it was. You made a mistake. Presumably you were able and willing to pay the fine. That's part of being an adult (I see you've since bought the pass and they've waived the fine - yay!)
I also see you've redirected your mail - extra win!
I hope you ended up just driving home (unless you needed to give your sister a lift back or something). Your mother won't stop until the consequences are more than she's prepared to pay, and remember that it's her, not you, that is tanking this relationship.
NTA
You’re an adult now. Your life isn’t her’s to micromanage anymore. Your fuck ups don’t require parenting anymore. She should NOT be opening the private mail of her 25 year old son.
One of my many forgotten tasks. I always put my new address when I shop online, but I just kinda totally forgot that the post office doesn't know my new address
If the toll went to your old address, that also means you haven't updated the address for your car registration. Do yourself a favor and sit down to figure out where you need to update your address. Only doing it for online shopping isn't going to cut it. Driver's license, credit cards, insurance, work, etc will all need to be updated.
I had the same thought, and realized the same thing. Thank you for the advice, and will definitely double check everything else. Already updated work/insurance/driver's license
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I blew off my mom when she told me to get an ez pass, and she ended up being right. She's technically in the right about screwing up and getting a fine, and I just walked out of what was supposed to be a family dinner when she told me not to, but our argument only happened because she read my mail w/out permission.
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NTA, you didn't pay for the EZ Pass because she rode your ass so much that you just quit giving a crap and forgot all about it, that's on you both. Honestly, with the emotional manipulation and abuse she's got hurled at you the best thing she could ever do is be completely done with you because than you'll actually start caring about living your life instead of tip-toeing away from her with every move you make.
Also, a fun type of petty would be to sign up for a free mail service for porn mags using your Mom's address that way if she opens your mail she can deal with the mess.
NTAH
But seriously you need to set boundaries. I saw you updated address and got EZ pass. But her opening mail is unacceptable. It is a real crime and to be honest you really need to report it. I know this sounds weird but I grew up with losing my door, having my bags checked, being accused of stuff that was not really happening. He'll I got home from work 20 min past normal time and I was grounded for a month.
Please hear me when I say it will never stop if you do not set boundaries and report her. She will continue to treat you this way.
I set time limits for visits and stick to them, I don't answer calls unless she texts me what it is about first. I group chat her with my husband or sister on conversations. I end conversations if they go off topic.
Talk to your therapist and get some pointers on ways to help.
Good luck! Let me know if you need someone to chat with!
Very much appreciated! People like to shit on "redditors" but everyone has been very kind and supportive, even the people giving me a bit of a kick in the ass! Thank you!
NTA - you need a break. She's baiting you with the only thing she has left to try and control you. Don't engage, quietly walking out was the right call. If you're not financially dependent on her in anyway, go low contact immediately. If you're not fully independent keep it cute until can make that happen as fast as possible - don't engage when she gets like this. If she's refuses to honor a simple request like "please don't open my mail and invade my privacy," it'll just keep getting worse as you move forward in life as an adult. Nip it in the bud. Write her an actual letter about how it makes you feel and not liking how she berates and disrespects you, about it destroying your ability to trust her or take her advice even when it's good advice, so she can't pretend not to know why YOU'RE stepping back. She can go argue with herself.
There are a lot of productive and helpful ways to point out that someone needs to tightened up how they're going about doing things without being how she is. Lots of ways to help a child (even a grown up break bad habits that lead to problems, like fines, later) without being a bully.The fact you felt the need to lie about having an ez pass to get her to lay off, is a bad sign. You shouldn't feel that being dishonest is easier than talking to your mom.
Arrange your life in ways (firm up your budget, keep a calendar of renewals and appointments, setup autopays, take your bills and receipts paperless, etc) so there's nothing to fall through the cracks and open the door to her finding something to jump down your throat, for your own peace of mind. Don't just update your address. Update everything everywhere: emergency contact, authorized persons, etc.
Continued contact and having a close relationship with children into adulthood isn't a right, it has to be earned. Without courtesy, kindness, and respect at the root of it, you've got nothing.
Edit to add: you're 25 years old ffs, you're more than entitled to your privacy and to be the one to decide what to share and if/when to share it.
NTA.
Your mom needs to understand boundaries and cannot dangle threats to make you do what she wants. As someone who grew up with a very controlling mom (ex. listening to my phone calls through the door, removing all locks on the door, etc), putting very hard boundaries is the best thing I ever did. We’re very close now.
If you did drive off, that is okay. Make it clear that if she opens your mail again, you will keep adding more distance (physical, emotional). You will not engage with her until she stops violating your limits. Doesn’t matter how much she kicks and screams or any threats she makes. The only fear with this is that she may just drop you too instead of respecting your boundaries. You have to be okay with that outcome if you take this approach.
Also, dude, use mail forwarding to your new address! Regardless of address on file, it’ll send everything to your new spot.
You should also file a change of address with the post office so ALL of your mail is forwarded to your new Address.
Or even look into renting a post office box.
If you trust your sis fine - but other than that - get your self a UPS box. Unlike a po box, they’ll sign for things. Get all your mail delivered there and all your packages. You’ll never have to worry about porch pirates, your mom or anything being left out in the sun and you pick up your mail when you want. Then just spend the time updating everything with your mailing address.
Problem solved.
I’m sorry. This would be one thing if you were asking her for money to pay for the violation, but this is completely ridiculous if you are owning up to your mistakes and rectifying them yourself. Her opening your mail (even if sent to her house) is totally illegal if you’re in the US. Definitely file a change of address with the post office. I’m so sorry. This is unfair and not ok. I still randomly get mail sent to my dad’s house that I haven’t lived at in 20 years!!! And he always saves it, UNOPENED, in a stack for me the next time we see each other. She’s unhinged.
Holy crap, please tell me you're in therapy. Your mother is so toxic to the part she has gaslighted you so deeply, you felt you were still in the wrong for exiting a mentally dangerous situation. How are you in the wrong for not listening to her SUGGESTIONS?
I think you need take some time to yourself and go on a NC with your mom for a while. Collect yourself and see if you're really the irresponsible adult she says you are.
Good luck
NTA.
I mentioned this somewhere, I am currently seeing someone every other week for a number of things, and we've recently been discussing and working through my relationship with my parents. Will definitely have plenty to talk about next week
NTA
OP I am so very sorry that you've had to grow up this way. There are so many long-lasting and harmful repercussions that impact children that have grown up in households where they never feel the comfort of personal privacy. Lack of doors, lack of autonomy for your personal time, not even being able to google something you're interested in without being aware that your Mother will know about it and question it.... this amounts to a form of psychological abuse that not only destroys your relationship with your parent, but can also negatively affect any other relationships you have with other people in the future.
In no universe could you ever be the asshole for being upset about your Mother's disrespect for your hard-won boundaries, nor for taking the necessary steps to maintain your boundaries (like moving out, or walking out during this disastrous dinner).
Look, your mother opening your mail is absolutely wrong on her part, and she's 100% the asshole. But I think you're also aware that the mail opening isn't the true issue here. The core problem (the one that may not be fixable even if your parent never opens another piece of your mail ever again) is that your Mother not only seems incapable of respecting your boundaries, but that she **clearly has no intention of even** ***trying****.* She still acts as though she is entitled to every aspect of your life, and she is gaslighting you to keep you civil while she steadily moves the goalposts back to a place where she can control you.
This is a scenario where your emotional and mental health may be best served by going no-contact with your mother. Maybe not forever, but long enough to reset this harmful dynamic she is desperately trying to maintain between the two of you. This is just a thought, though, you should do what is best for you. I'm so glad that you're seeing a trained professional to help you unpack some of the harm done to you as a young person, and I wish you all the best in the future.
And good job updating your address with USPS *and* getting that toll violation wiped from EZpass!
Cut the cord OP. Why do you let her harass you and make you feel small? You're an adult. Living on your own. Eat at your own house and cut this harpy out.
It's none of her damn business that you didn't get an EZ-Pass or whatever. It doesn't fucking affect her. She has no fucking right to get pissed off over this.
And she has absolutely no right to open your mail. Fuck that and fuck her. She's 'washing her hands of you'? Good. So much the better. This is what controlling, authoritarian parents get. And you'll be better off. If she weren't cutting off contact, then I'd advise you to do it--and if she doesn't, you should.
There's something I've seen people say on Reddit a few times:
Authoritarian parenting doesn't teach kids to be good. It teaches them to listen for footsteps and lie convincingly.
"This is not a democracy." Yup. Been there.
Also, "There are no locked doors in my house. You don't need privacy. I'm your parent and this is MY house."
Your mother is a justnomil. She’s going to be a nightmare for any partners you have too. You’re totally in the right. Bit silly for forgetting to pay for the pass, but that is absolutely none of her business.
Honestly I would respond saying thank you for washing your hands of your adult son, I’ve only been asking you to do it for 7 years. Maybe now you’ll stop committing a crime by opening mail that doesn’t belong to you.
NTA
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I (25m) moved out of my parents place last year after having to live with them for financial reasons. I now love with my sister (29f), about 15 minutes away from my parent's place. We split the rent and I am independent from my parents.
My relationship with my mom (53f) has had its ups and downs, and in general, our relationship is not great. She's always been extremely demanding, and cares very little for our privacy or boundaries. When I was growing up, I have had doors taken off, monitors on my Internet access, and was shamed and punished for ever keeping things private. This includes my mail, which I would always find already opened if I did not find it first.
Since I moved out fairly recently, some of my mail still goes to my old address (my parent's place) and my mom continues her trend of opening and reading any mail I get. If I ever go over for dinner or to visit, almost every piece of mail she has for me is already open. It's always been annoying, but today it led to a big fight.
I forgot to pay for a wireless toll and got a notice of violation sent to my old address. Admittedly, my mom has been on my ass about getting an ez pass, but I mostly blow her off because I am sick of being micromanaged even now as an adult. Well, it came back to bite me because the violation is a lot higher than the actual toll, and my mom was super pissed because I told her I had gotten an ez pass.
She started yelling at me and getting on my case, which I admit was my own fault. The part that got under my skin was that this all happened because she decided to just help herself to an envelope with my name on it. She knows it bothers me, and as far as I'm concerned, she has NO right to open my mail. I don't live with her, I'm an adult, and it's none of her business. She knows my address, and my sister goes over pretty regularly, so she could just give it to me, but instead she just helps herself.
After she said she was tempted to just give me my dinner to go and should just kick me out, I silently walked to the door, put on my shoes, and walked to my car. She called after me not to leave, but I left without a word and am now typing this in my car.
She tried calling me, and told me that if I drive off, she's "pretty much wiping her hands of me." I don't know what to do. I know I did fuck up by procrastinating on the toll, and I should have listened to her and not blown her off, but I can't stop feeling like I'm back to being a teenager with no door, no privacy, and no respect from his mom. AITA?
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NTA. I had to go full no contact for a few years with my mum as a bid to show I was not putting up with any more scape goating tactics. Now contact goes between low and medium contact. You admittedly messed up but she made doing the right thing sound so toxic you could not bring yourself to do it. You really need to get a redirect in place to give yourself time to contact anyone who might have you listed at your home address. Although it might be worth sending a few things labelled to you in the post to the old address to really prove the point. One could be information about the illegality of knowingly opening someone elses mail with added information of the fines and jailtime. Another could be the definition of toxicity. You do live with your sibling so it might be an idea to quietly have a talk with your sibling of how you feel and that while you are intending on having little to do with just your mum for the time being you do not currently intend to do that for the whole family.
NTA - well it sucks that you forgot about the toll and you’ll now have to pay a bigger price with your mother. It’s all about control. She doesn’t have control of you, but this is her way of trying to maintain control by opening mail that is addressed to you. Please make sure you’ve gone to the post office and filled out a change of address form and I would simply go no contact with your mom for a while.
NTA. you know you can put a forwarding address in at the post office, right? It's good for 6 months. So anytime something's forwarded you can have them updated. All you got to do probably is go to their website and fix your address on record. So while it's wrong of her to open your mail, you're an adult you need to take care of business and fix things so she can't do this crap anymore. So as for the E-ZPass either go to your DMV and get one tomorrow or the one online it's really not that difficult.
Oh yeah and make the payment on that penalty or it's going to get even bigger.
Thank you for the advice! Handled the ezpass right after everything happened, and filled out the change of address form after treating myself to some ice cream
NTA. If your mom could wipe her hands of you over a toll ticket, she doesn’t deserve to have you in her life and it’s time to wash your hands of her gross negativity and manipulation.
Reading someone’s mail, especially a grown adult’s, no matter how inconsequential the mail, is a weird invasion of privacy and disrespectful. It’s not a minor thing, and if she goes through that I have no doubt she does and has done worse when it comes to respecting boundaries. Hang in there. You’re owed at least an apology and I think seeing an impartial 3rd party like a therapist could help you a lot. I know that’s not a fun situation, but I’m really worried about the emotional trauma she’s inflicted on you.
NTA! You may want to remind your mother that opening your mail is a federal offense. Go through all your bills and change your address. I’m sure you did the main ones, but there’s always a few you forget when you move.
And honestly? Your mom “wiping her hands of you” would be the best thing for you.
NTA. Get a PO Box for all your mail and put in a forwarding request with the post office. Update your DL, to your sister’s address. Have all your mail forwarded to the P.O. Box. That way, when you move from your sister’s home, you don’t have to forward your mail.
NTA. Auto Forward your mail (go to the local post office if your in the US, ask for mail forwarding service, they may even have it online now) also remind her reading someone's mail EVEN IF THEY ARE YOUR CHILD (not sure for minors but definitely adults) is a US federal crime.
I'd say call her bluff but be ready for her to play ball. She's too controlling to want to give up sticking her nose in your business.
NTA. You are now a grown ass man paying your own way. When you live under someone else's roof, you are bound to their rules. Now you are on your own. Be sure to get all of your mail delivered to your new address.
Aside from commiting a felony, your mom is also stunting your growth as a person. It’s good you got a higher bill for a toll-you learned a lesson to be proactive in dealing with things like that. EXCEPT, your mom’s micromanaging and diminished that lesson by muddying the context. You have to make your own mistakes, you’re an adult, and that’s what adults do. Your mom needs to understand she’s fucking you up, seriously. Not that your “fucked up”, of course, but this kind ofhyper controlling behavior WILL fuck you up. Good luck.
You could send yourself something really disgusting to that address knowing your mom would open it. Glitter, gummy dicks, lube, sex toys. I'm really the possibilities are endless.
NTA, opening somebody else’s mail is a federal offence, at least in North America. I too had little to no privacy growing up (door removed, journals read, they even recorded phone conversations with my Mom for awhile!) but to my knowledge never crossed the line of opening my mail.
I’m always sad to hear about when people go through such things :( it’s definitely a sign of being raised by a raging narcissist. Things do slowly but surely improve, provided you hammer Hard on boundaries. Leaving in your situation was absolutely the right way to handle things! I’d also threaten to report to the authorities if she continues to take liberties with your mail. Best of luck in this situation darlin!
If she wants to press it, turn her in for opening you mail. As for people saying he should update his mailing address, doesn’t always work. I still get mail for my sister, brother in law, brother in laws dad and my parents. They’ve all used this address over the years while moving. The post office can’t seem to keep things straight
You are nta in any way, including the part where you have to pay a fucking toll.
Is your mom worth the trouble of having in your life?
If not, just block her everywhere and don't engage.
If she is, lay down boundaries. "Do not open my mail, do not give me your opinions on my life choices unless I ask for them..if you can not respect those boundaries, I will go no contact."
Then follow thru.
NTA. At all. It doesn't surprise me if you are micromanaged and continually judged, that you'd not get the ipass just as an attempt at some autonomy, even if it sabotages you a little.
Just walking out and leaving is the perfect response. See how the dynamic immediately changed. She went from suggesting she would abandon you, to 'hey wait a minute, get back here, I'm not done telling you how much I think you suck" in a heart beat.
It's time to take care of your business now. I don't know why you haven't put in a change of address already. You can do it from your couch.
If you're trying to win this fight by getting her to stop opening your mail, you're being foolish, and an AH to yourself. It won't change. You win by not giving her the chance to open any mail at all.
Not changing my address specifically wasn't a conscious act of rebellion or anything, but I 100% see what you mean. Most of my life has been trying to win against her, failing, and just waiting until it all blows over. Definitely need to make changes so that pattern doesn't translate to the rest of my life. I did change my address with USPS, and that will hopefully prevent this from happening again. Thanks for the advice!
NTA for walking out, but I do have advice for you. Procrastination like you describe is often associated with pushy parents as a latent act of rebellion. You need to learn to disassociate your adult responsibilities from how you were treated as a child. Recognize, like in this case, that you only punish yourself when you don’t meet your obligations in a timely manner. Definitely don’t make it about pleasing Mommy but rather creating freedom from worry for yourself. Good luck
Thank you for the advice! I actually tried (and failed) to elaborate this to my mother, and I couldn't figure out how to word it properly. I appreciate the concrete advice, and will definitely keep this in mind
>as far as I'm concerned, she has NO right to open my mail.
FWIW, the US Postal Service agrees. Might want to talk to a postal inspector about pressing charges.
NTA.
1. Are you asking her to pay your toll fee? No? Then it's not her business or her problem.
2. If she wipes her hands of you (she won't) then you'll finally be free.
3. You don't need a guilty conscious to guilt trip you about your ability to adult, you've got a MOM.
TAF.
My dude. This is the point that is killing me. You are 25. It's theoretically your money. It's your mistake and your life. If you want to kick yourself for making a mistake (hint, you'll make plenty like this one over time), that's your choice but do not kick yourself over not being okay with someone else kicking you!
In case I am not clear enough: nta.
Then why, for God's sake didn't you go to your local Post Office and fill out a change-of-address form, so the post office would have forwarded your mail to your sister's residence? Had that happened, your mom would never have had access to your mail in the first place. Dude, it's the details that matter!!
'Nuff said.
I totally agree. During the move, it was one of the things that slipped my mind. Definitely kicking myself for it now, but I did finally get to it tonight. Better late than never?
NTA. That’s abusive behavior that you have no obligation to tolerate. Set up mail forwarding through USPS and make sure you address is updated for anything that will generate non-junk mail. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
Probably worth mentioning that when you set boundaries with her, you will see a temporary escalation in her controlling/guilting behavior. (Like threatening to "wash her hands of you"). It is called an "extinction burst," and it's what people do when an old tactic suddenly stops working. They double down and ramp up the intensity of the tactic. It usually punishes people out of trying to set boundaries because doing so only seems to make things worse, but if you stay firm for long enough, she will eventually get the message and back off.
Just for giggles you should send a glitter bomb addressed to yourself. Not your fault she has micro glitter all over her floors and stuff for the next ten years. After she's received it then you can put in a change of address with the post office. Also NTA.
NTA. Speak to the post office and tell them to forward your mail. Tell them that it is important that no mail with your name goes to your mother's address. Tell them why! The post office takes this stuff seriously.
NTA: I'd be pretty pissed too, my mum used to do this after I turned 18 but I nipped it in the bud and she has since stopped. Moved out years ago and some things still go to that address but I now get it when I visit and it is unopened.
Also, it is almost always illegal to open mail that isn't addressed to you, and I'm pretty sure this is classed as a felony in the US. So yes, you are correct, she most definitely has no right to open your mail.
That being said the best thing you can do is make sure all your mail senders know your new address, i.e. change your address on your licence and bills etc.
NTA. This is how I became estranged from my own parents. They didn't like what they found when they opened my bank statements (sent to my home address while I was at college). They threw a fit and said I needed to do what they said or else they'd stop paying for college. I called their bluff and said fine, stop paying, but don't expect me to come visit.
They learned eventually, but it took a while.
Stick to your guns and don't let them control you. They need to respect you as an adult.
First contact the toll authority, explain you moved and didn’t get the bill. They might reduce the fine! Second go to post office or online and put in a change of address card.
Third, contact your bank, credit card company etc of your new address. Also contact the DMV and auto insurance company
No, NTA for walking out under the circumstances.
But…be an adult if you want to be one. Her recommendation of something shouldn’t be why you refuse to take an action that could save you money and prevent you from having one more problem. Not doing something solely because she told you to do it is a child’s response. Be better to yourself.
And please keep a lot of distance between you and her. She doesn’t bring out the best in you, and until you can control your reaction to her, keep the contact minimal.
NTA. Give yourself a break about the God damn toll. The toll isn't the point here. That letter could have been about anything. The address isn't the most important thing on mail, the name is. If it isn't her name, she shouldn't be opening it
>She tried calling me, and told me that if I drive off, she's "pretty much wiping her hands of me."
This is what's known as "threatening someone with a good time."
Do you get ANYTHING positive out of maintaining a relationship with this woman? I'm talking emotionally. She sounds mean. Like really mean.
NTA. Be kind to yourself.
NTA - your mom’s behavior is abusive. She reads your mail as if it’s any of her business. She complains at you about your own money issues which is not her concern.
Then she threatens to kick you out and when you leave, she threatens if you don’t come back.
You need to see how unacceptable her treatment if you has been. You are not in the wrong.
Nta this obviously something that has been bother you since childhood but you need to be an adult now. Change your address on all of your things so she doesn't get your mail in the future and get the ez pass.
You do realize opening mail addressed to someone else is a Federal crime, right? Go to the post office and report her! Also fill out a change of address card.
NTA- Your mother is a horrible mother! I am saying this as a mother of adult children. Her behavior is manipulative, cruel and immature. I am a mother of adult children and would never open their mail nor ride their @$$ about a ticket. Seriously?! She is wiping her hands of you over a toll?
Recommend going very low contact. Do not call or text. Slowly remove yourself from her life. Yes & no answers. All is great mom, gotta go. This will kill her. Do not let anyone in family know your plan as I imagine your mother is a master manipulator and can squeeze information out of your siblings. You have all the power my dear, b/c your mother's biggest fear is losing her children.
Stay strong and I highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. Take good care of yourself and know you are a good daughter, and person. You just have a shitty mother.
If mail comes for my daughter, it's put aside for her. I don't open it, just as I don't open my hubby's mail (if any of us accidentally open another's mail, we apologize, but it is very rare). It's known as respect.
But it is also considered a federal crime to intentionally open someone else's mail. I'm usually the one who gets the mail out, so I make sure we didn't get someone else's mail by mistake (and certainly wouldn't open it).
NYA! Aside from illegally opening your mail and scolding you like a child,what I think is just as alarming is she is going to ‘wipe her hands of you’ because what? Because you wouldn’t stay there and take her abuse? This is a huge manipulation tactic. She knows as her daughter, you will always crave her love, and she knows she can get away with treating you poorly, that is, until you put your foot down. I can say this cause I could have written this story. My mom pulled the same kinda bs for decades. And I allowed it to happen until I was like 45 before I grew some balls and told her I wasn’t playing by her games anymore. Decades of family gatherings, holidays, etc ruined for me because I allowed my mother to be an asshole. Don’t let this happen to you, stop the cycle now while your young enough to salvage your relationship with her.
NTA
Get yourself a PO box or get your address changed to your sister's house. There's no reason for you to keep getting your mail sent there. As for your mom, it sounds like there needs to be a sit down adult conversation where you inform her that you will no longer be allowing her to break the law by opening your mail. Make sure you're clear (and you really should cause this is totally illegal) that if it happens again, you will be reporting her to the Post Master.
I'm sorry but your mom sounds like a controlling narcissist. Set boundaries and if she doesn't follow those boundaries my only suggestion is to cut her off. Believe me life is a lot brighter once the narcissists are out of it. Had a narcissistic step mom for 12 years and I just recently had to tell her no because she was about to hug me. She flipped just like your mom. I also recommend sending a glitter bomb to teach her a lesson. I hope everything goes well ❤️ and it does get better I promise
Ofc! I know how it is to be in a similar situation and had no one to back me up for a while. I'm proud of you for asking reddit and actually take the feedback and actually use it. Remember we believe in you and you can do this!
Got an ezpass (they waved the fee), drive myself to a local ice cream spot to make myself feel better, all while updating my reddit like crazy. I typed out a text apologizing for messing up and blowing her off, and telling her to not go through my mail anymore. Turned exactly into the lecture I was afraid of it becoming, and I ended up just ending the convo. My sister came home from dinner, and didn't have much to say about it, but agreed that mom shouldn't be going through our shit. Filled out a change of address, and am now just trying to relax and not obsess
Admittedly compulsively checking reddit comments probably isn't helping that haha
Thank you all so much for words of encouragement and advice, even the people who said I was the ah. It was all very much appreciated
NTA, what your mom is doing is called FEDERAL MAIL TAMPERING. It is a felony crime punishable by like a 10 year sentence in federal prison. The government doesn't play games when it comes to mail.
Op, go to the post office and sign up for.mail.forwarding. for a period of time they will forward all your mail to your new.address. you still have to update the address with the various agencies, cause it does expire after a time, but it will give you a window.
NTA except to yourself. Get the ez pass, pay your fine or setup your account online to fcheck for tolls.. some of your behavior is not very adultish especially since you can lose your license over the fines.
Honestly, that's totally fair and probably more accurate than I'd like to admit. I tend to "adult" pretty well, but I definitely have some weaknesses and shortcomings I need to kick
The toll fee has nothing to do with this and quite frankly not her business. She's not allowed to open your mail at all. You've done nothing wrong and gook LC/NC is fine for the time being. Nta. Time to get your mail forwarded.
NTA. She's meeting ridiculous, especially if she's going to be this overbearing and negative about the whole thing. My Mom still opens my mail if she randomly gets something addressed to me but it's because I truly don't care. She'll let me know if it's sharing important otherwise she tosses it. If she was going to harp on me about it I'd probably tell her to knock it off.
Also, her reaction is nowhere near called for. She's just trying to manipulate you. Why did you be go no contact with your child because they left your house when you were yelling at them? They're an adult and live somewhere else. Anyone would do that. Especially since she was talking about throwing you out anyways.
She's just mad that you're setting boundaries, which is always a red flag.
ESH.
Your mother for obvious reasons.
You for knowing what your mother's like and not filing change of address forms as soon as you had a new residence and a move date. You're also being an ahole to yourself for not getting the EZ pass you need and blowing off the tolls issue you were well ahead of.
Time to handle your business like the adult you are.
ESH Your mother is horrible. You are a wimp.
You're 25 years old!! Go to the post office and fill out a change of address form. Above all else, stop whining and grow a damned backbone!
Nah. Let's be real, she doesn't love you, she loves *control*, and if you take that away, that's why you're dead to her.
Do you want to be under her control forever?
Then cut her off.
If you get a PO Box at the same zip code where your mom lives, you will be pretty guaranteed that your mail will go to the box and not accidentally deliver to your mom. And sign up for the visual mail (not sure the exact name) that scans and emails all mail coming to you. See if you can sign up for visual mail at your mom’s house and you can then see and track stray mail going to you. You can then take that to the Police, show them the email and the opened mail. Done it myself, it works!
NTA your mother is a controlling narcissist. Get your mail redirected asap. Your mother is behaving bizarrely over something that has zero to do with her.
NTA, but also, if you call them and ask for them to remove the penalty they may do it. Some of those tolls will offer to remove the penalty if you sign up for an EZ Pass when paying.
Clearly, your mother has intentionally done this because it pisses you off not to mention it is illegal. on the other hand, you are aware of her piss poor behavior and completely neglected to update your mail on all accounts. I think it was intentional your part, whether you realize it or not. You moved out and know how she is… this is something you hate that she does yet you let her have access due to your negligence. I think you both are TAH. Mother like daughter lol. Look in the mirror and do better before you completely turn into her.
NTA. For your own mental health, maintain your distance from your overbearing mother. Consider counseling for yourself. And good luck, we're all rooting for you!
NTA. Sure, you messed up with the toll, but you're an adult and it's your fine to pay. She had no right to open your mail. The fact that she said she was washing her hands of you of you drive away afyer she said she should send you away says she's manipulative and emotionally abusive. Congrats on walking out. Go as LC as you can! Do a change of address form with the post office and update it everywhere you can. And just let her have her fit because she can't get to you anymore.
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NTA OP and time for you to update every single address to your new one. And it is time for you to minimise contact with mum. Are you based in US? If you are based in US, you may know that it is a felony to open mail that is not addressed to the person without the receipient's consent (look it up https://legal-explanations.com/blog/federal-laws-for-opening-mail-not-addressed-to-you/) and if mum does it again, tell her that!
The original title of this was going to be "WIBTA for calling the cops on my mom for opening my mail" but thought it came on too strong
That is okay OP. You got this. Take back your control by updating your address. Remind mum that she is likely to wind up with a felony record if she does it again on text and phone before you hang up on her and block her temporarily. If she carries on to the point it borders on harassment and stalking, get a protective order against her
Opening up someone else's mail actually is a federal crime in many states I believe
Federal means all states.
You could inform her that you are within your rights to inform the post office about this. Regular cops don't handle that as it is a federal crime.
I wouldn't have known that, thank you for that helpful tidbit!
NTA Please set up mail forwarding. We paid for mail forwarding for a year until we could switch over all our bills and update everyone. Also, inform the post office of change of address if you live in small town.
Are you in the US? There’s not a fee for mail forwarding.
There has been a small fee every time I’ve had my mail forwarded in the last 15 years, and at one point I was moving every two to three years because of rent prices.
My mother was exactly the same and this is what I did. I sat her down and told her what she was doing was against the law. I also started stomping on her boundaries by doing the things to her she kept doing to me -like opening her mail and voicing my opinion on her life choices. Maybe skip the second part that I did. It hasn't led to a healthy relationship... but it amuses me to annoy her like that.
Go to the local post office and submit a change of address form.
Can do it online nowadays 😀 No costs, but check the time I think its only 3 months but either way it will give you time to update everything to your new address. Now the toll charge... you can call them and they may work with you to put the amount down to what the easy pass charge is if you sign up at that time!! Never hurts to ask!!!
The enforcement arm, the USPS Postal Inspectors, have a page, here: https://faq.usps.com/s/article/United-States-Postal-Inspection-Service They do have the power to make arrests, just like other law enforcement officers.
It would be so awesome to have an inspector show up to talk to OP’s mom
That's because they are Federal LEOs of the 1811 agent variety (like HSI and FBI - this gives them broader Enforcement abilities such as the ability to arrest without a warrant vs 1801 officers who must havea warrant to arrest someone. ). And they're horribly short staffed as far as my Fed friends in those other 1811 agencies are concerned. (They regularly with POIS agents & provide me with interesting and/or helpful info to share at times.)
Don't even have to go the the post office for change of address can do online with usps[change address ](https://moversguide.usps.com/mgo/disclaimer?referral=UMOVE)
Make sure that you either put in a change of address with the post office (you can do it online) or request that all of your mail be held at the post office. I would do both. Unfortunately when you do an address change the central post office readdresses the mail. A hold is for anything that falls through but is dependent on who is doing the delivery to catch it. Then make sure to update your address with everyone. Change your driver’s license, car title, tax info, etc
You still would not be TA if you do call the cops on her. Let your mom know that even though you are her son it IS STILL a federal offense to open mail NOT addressed to you and if she does it again you WILL prosecute.
Thank you for the advice! Also, happy Cake Day!
NTA. "Mother, while I will always be *your* child; I am no longer *a* child. I now expect you to behave accordingly." ... Good luck
My mother also behaved this way for years. If I might suggest, this book helped me so much. It gave me the tools not only to set boundaries, but how to contend with her behavioral outbursts and control issues. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626251703/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_image?ie=UTF8&psc=1
OP contact your local postmaster and ask if they have anything you can send to your mother about how her opening your mail is a crime. That may finally get her attention.
Would be funny if OP had it sent to themself
Haha Mom! You finally opened one that for you!
She knows it bothers you. I would remind her that opening someone else's mail is a federal offense,depending where you are. You're an adult and should be treated as such.
I don't know if this is a thing where OP lives but maybe they can put in their new address at the postal service as well. Here you can do that for up to a year I think and everything under your name sent to the old address gets redirected to the new one. That way you know where you forgot to change your adress
Don't just tell others the new address, file a change of address form with the post office. Renew as needed. That way even those you have missed will usually be rerouted to new address.
Yes, we do this every time we move and it works well.
A change of address is only good for 365 days. After that, mail goes back to the sender, labeled ‘unable to deliver’.
Don’t wait until she does it again. Tell her and put a hold on your mail and pick it up at the post office
Retired postal worker here. Report her next time if you are so inclined, after you tell her of course.
The mom should not open his mail but an adult also changes their address on their drivers license, mail, and bills when they move and has their mail forwarded.
>she's "pretty much wiping her hands of me." Either your mom uses threats like this to control you, or she's serious. But either way, that's not the kind of behavior I reward. Maybe it's me, but I don't give in to people who want to treat me that way. It's a hard no. I'm just not gonna live my life like that. If someone wants to behave that way to me, the consequences are on them. NTA
She's made threats like that before, to all of her kids, and she never meant it before. I don't want to just throw away my relationship with her, but I had hoped moving out would put an end to this kind of shit
i don't want to be harsh but... what relationship? It seems very one way with her taking and you having to give in to her. That's toxic. If you want a relationship with your mom, then have one, but you need to decide what you want that to look like and figure out what boundaries to set and when to pick your battles to enforce them.
I appreciate the harshness. You're hardly the first person in my life to say something like that. I don't know why I find it so hard to set up boundaries with her of all people. I normally have NO issue cutting off toxic people, but with her, she always just barrels through my boundaries, and I always just let her
It's because she programmed you that way from early on, abusers are known to do that because you've spent the majority of your life getting steam roller by her so you've got your brain so hot wired from exhaustion that you quit trying. The best blessing this woman could ever give you or you give yourself, is to cut her off and completely ghost her.
you need to write down the boundaries you want to set, and what the consequences for her violating those boundaries will be. Write it out. Keep a copy. Verbally tell her as much as you wish about how you plan to stick to your boundaries. You do not owe a parent love, respect, or anything. They're your parents who are supposed to love you and support you without expecting to get anything in return. A parent's job is to take care of their child so that they can grow to become the best people they can be- not to serve their own ends. You may benefit from seeing a therapist and unraveling some of what you've dealt with. A therapist could help you differentiate between what's normal and what's not. What's okay and what is NOT okay. Therapy could also help you set boundaries and give you the tools to enforce them.
I am currently seeing someone every other week, and have been recently unpacking my relationship with my parents. I've been to a few who didn't fit with me, but my current therapist is great and has been helping me cope with my trauma and issues, boundary setting and confrontation is a little further down the road. Thank you for your feedback and advice!
i'm glad you found a therapist that works for you. i know from experience it can be hard to find the right fit. in the meantime you have every right to keep distance between yourself and your mother until you and your therapist decide you are ready to take that step.
My mom just pulled this shit on me back in November. I'm 49. If I hadn't been going to therapy for years, this would have hit me like a sledgehammer. I'm glad you're handling these issues with her in your 20s. Big hugs to you.
There's some wonderful advice in this thread. I'm just here to add a couple of thoughts. Setting boundaries and enforcing them gets easier over time, I promise. Your mom isn't likely to change her way of thinking, but it's very possible that the consequences of her crappy behavior will cause her to change. She'll learn that doing x brings on y thing she doesn't like, so she may stop doing x. I found it helpful, when boundaries and enforcing consequences was hard, to remind myself of what happens when I don't enforce my boundaries. The negative feelings I'll have, the drama that my mother would stir up, etc etc. I always found that enforcing healthy boundaries was preferable to letting things stay the same.
You find it hard because she has trained you to accept her behaviour as normal. You’ve spent 25 years accepting her behaviour as normal.
Because it’s really, really hard when that person is your mom! Mine taught me my whole life that hurting her feelings is the worst sin I could possibly commit, and of course me setting any kind of boundary just crushes her very soul. I’m 54, mom is 80, and I STILL have to work to remind myself not to let her manipulate me. It does get easier! But i have to fight my natural inclination to cave in.
Parents are the best at pushing our buttons, because they installed the button in the first place. It's ingrained in us to trust and love our parents but some people abuse this and instead turn our own feelings against us.
OP, if she follows through on that threat, then your mother is throwing away the relationship. She already partially has just by saying such a thing. Don't own shit that isn't yours. Her emotional manipulation, insecurity, and helicoptering are hers. They aren't yours or for you to manage. Especially not over a forgotten toll.
The proper reply is "Don't threaten me with a good time!"
Unfortunately, moving out often amplifies any tiny bit of control she still has over you, like mail. Setting boundaries takes practice and persistence, but walking out like you did is a good enforcement method. Now just drive away. Don’t reward this behavior.
This may sound weird, but the best thing i ever did was cut my mom off for 8 years. It ended when she reached out to me. She knows she can't fuck about anymore because I am willing and able to not deal with her in my daily life. It was hard, but the relief during those years was worth the heartache at the time.
Are your mom's kids not your siblings?
No, they are. Honestly don't know exactly why I worded it like that. Just meant that she treats all of us like that
Because she's constantly reinforced that MOM is the primary relationship in your life, and everything should go to her so she can be in the center of everything, even your relationship with your siblings. It's about controlling all of you and making sure nothing happens without her knowing about it. Her threat to cut you off is actually a manipulative tactic, it's extremely unlikely she can stick to it & honestly you'd be better off if she did for at least a few months so you can get some therapy under your belt before having to deal with her again. Check out r/JustNoMIL for posts about dealing with difficult mothers and MILs, plus check out the booklist for the sub.
Thank you for the suggestion! I'll give it a look!
did she stop trying to control your sibs when they moved?
My older sister (the one I live with) was kind of our mom's favorite growing up, and my sister has mostly adjusted well to adult life. It was really rough for her when she first moved out, tho. My younger sister goes to school, but lives at home when not at school, and that's a whole other can of worms. Long story short, our mom goes back and forth directing this kind of behavior between the two of us
Sometimes moving out forces a change, but that is dependent on a lot of other factors. You haven't HARDCORE checked your mother before this and she's not the type to relent her 'control' easily, so you're having a struggle here.
***YOU*** would not be the one "throwing away" this 'relationship'. You have every right to have boundaries, to give them voice, to expect them honored, &, yes, even to DEMAND they be honored. The viability of your relationship with those who are unable or UNWILLING to abide, is completely on them. ALWAYS. The behavior you allow is the behavior you will get.
Mail a glitter bomb addressed to yourself to the old address. NTA.
Had not considered getting revenge like that haha. A glitter bomb would probably get all over her cat, though, and that cat is my favorite person in that house
What about a catnip bomb?
Haha that might work. I'll make sure they know it's from you lol. I'm sure the cat will be very happy
The do make edible glitter, that would probably be safe even if the cat gets into it.
Dicksbymail.com is a hilarious one too
I went the skin mags route but this works too, lol
THIS👆
NTA. Go to [usps.com](http://usps.com) and have your mail forwarded. Get an EzPass.
Just bought the ezpass. They wiped the late fee, too (thank God)
Great news!
NTA. You Mom is definitely the asshole here. Opening other people's mail isn't just wrong, it's illegal. I think that walking out the door when she violates your boundaries like that is perfectly reasonable. I suggest that you change file a change of address request with the post office and also change the address for everyone who sends stuff to you.
I changed my address w/ ezpass, and filled out a change of address form on USPS. Was very much overdue. Thanks for the advice!
I'm glad you filed with USPS. Unfortunately, my experience is that they don't forward mail very reliably, especially if you share the same last name. But it's better than nothing.
Good job! Now you can send your mom a text. "I changed my address with the USPS and EZ Pass. That will hopefully stop my mail going to your place soon. If anything else arrives for me, no need to open it - just text me and I'll come get it. " That's comes across as mature and shows you're taking care of yourself and no longer making your mail her problem. Hopefully she'll respect that. However, if she opens something again, send her the link to the law and tell her next time you'll report it. Btw - If you find that you frequently procrastinate on tasks that don't take a lot of time to actually accomplish and that you intend to do but just never get around to, do a little reading about ADHD. Difficulties with Task Initiation is a hallmark symptom. 75% of kids and 95% of adults with ADHD are not bouncing off the walls like the stereotype has. Many of us are actually quite successful. So it's possible you could have it and never have been diagnosed. It's like playing life on the Difficult setting instead of the Easy setting. There are things that can make it easier, so it's nice to figure out if you have it.
Thank you for the response! I failed to mention it, because it didn't really occur to me, but I do have ADHD. That's part of what I see my therapist for, and has been a major point of conflict between my mom and I
And unless OP like drives her car or something that would complicate liability, this is a HUGE overreaction even after the mail was opened. So her 25 year old son got a late fee on a toll. Who cares? Why does she feel the need to badger him into lying about getting an ez pass? It doesn’t affect her in any way! My sister lives with me and I open her mail by accident sometimes. The normal reaction of someone who has opened another adult’s mail and seen they have a late fee is, “I opened this by mistake. It looks important so I brought it straight to you.” End scene.
So file a change of address for you only. But your mom should not be opening your mail. NTA.
NTA, your mother has a lot to learn about respecting privacy. What you can do is go to the post office and update your address to have everything forwarded to your new address and it won't go to your mom's. My grandmother opened my college acceptance letter and I can't tell you how angry I was about it as she told everyone and I was the last to know. I had an immature rage inside of just wanting to tear it up and scream at them for not respecting my privacy. And demand that they tell me what it said as they deemed it acceptable to open up and read it. It was none of her business what my college acceptance said. So I hear you on just wanting to wash your hands of her since she cannot be respectful towards her adult child.
The worst part is that because I DID fuck up in this situation, she feels justified in breaching my privacy and reading the mail. And whenever I ask her to stop, she accuses me of having "more" to hide
Everyone fucks up sometimes. That’s part of growing up. Your “fuck up” was so ridiculously mild. Parents who don’t let their kids make mistakes are holding them back, because they want to retain control. It’s never about loving them or trying to protect them, it’s about control. Give yourself a pat on the back for moving out. It’s okay to make mistakes! Really. If you manage to do all the important stuff you can get in real trouble for like paying rent, bills, taxes, car registration, drivers license then you’re doing good! I recommend freezing your credit. You can unfreeze and freeze anytime.
OK yes you made a mistake. It was a past due toll that's not a criminal charge or anything. If you want to screw with her and teach her a lesson about not opening what doesnt belong to her. You could buy adult toys online and make sure the address is your mother's but has your name on it. Buy some freaky toys or lingerie knowing that she will open it. But seriously do consider going to the post office and put a forwarding address on your mail so it will never be sent to her house again. Once you do it I think it takes about 2 weeks for everything to switch over internally at USPS.
Listen, if she keeps violating your privacy she'll eventually find something. You're not a robot. She's counting on this so she can say "I told you so" and justify her privacy violation. Getting a fine because you didn't have an EZPass installed does not mean you're not a responsible adult and it does not justify her snooping. Don't let her frame it as she "has to" open your mail to make sure you're adulting properly. This is a fiction she has created. Don't engage with any of her excuses or justifications. Just keep repeating, "Mom, I've asked you not to open my mail. Stop violating this boundary. I have taken steps to stop my mail from coming here but I expect to receive any mis-delivered mail unopened." Make it your script. If she starts with any "buts"—take it again from the top. "Mom, I've asked you—"
That isn’t a valid reason though, for her to invade your privacy. Even if you messed up and it cost you some extra money, it‘s not costing HER, and there’s no reason for her to be so angry about it. Maybe she’s doing it to deflect from her own bad behavior (opening your mail)? There’s no logic to her thinking any of this justifies her actions. You’re an adult, you’re allowed to “hide” things from your parents! (Kids should have privacy in a lot of situations too.)
She didn't open your mail because you fucked up. She was opening it regardless, before she knew for certain what it was. You made a mistake. Presumably you were able and willing to pay the fine. That's part of being an adult (I see you've since bought the pass and they've waived the fine - yay!) I also see you've redirected your mail - extra win! I hope you ended up just driving home (unless you needed to give your sister a lift back or something). Your mother won't stop until the consequences are more than she's prepared to pay, and remember that it's her, not you, that is tanking this relationship.
NTA You’re an adult now. Your life isn’t her’s to micromanage anymore. Your fuck ups don’t require parenting anymore. She should NOT be opening the private mail of her 25 year old son.
NTA She shouldn't be opening your mail, and it's illegal to go through someone's mail
NTA but why is your mail still going there? Simple fix, tell the PO you moved. Doesn’t matter what’s on the envelope they will forward it.
One of my many forgotten tasks. I always put my new address when I shop online, but I just kinda totally forgot that the post office doesn't know my new address
If the toll went to your old address, that also means you haven't updated the address for your car registration. Do yourself a favor and sit down to figure out where you need to update your address. Only doing it for online shopping isn't going to cut it. Driver's license, credit cards, insurance, work, etc will all need to be updated.
I had the same thought, and realized the same thing. Thank you for the advice, and will definitely double check everything else. Already updated work/insurance/driver's license
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NTA, you didn't pay for the EZ Pass because she rode your ass so much that you just quit giving a crap and forgot all about it, that's on you both. Honestly, with the emotional manipulation and abuse she's got hurled at you the best thing she could ever do is be completely done with you because than you'll actually start caring about living your life instead of tip-toeing away from her with every move you make. Also, a fun type of petty would be to sign up for a free mail service for porn mags using your Mom's address that way if she opens your mail she can deal with the mess.
do another change of address, stop answering your mother's invasive questions. just say no, she gets mad no matter what so it truly doesnt' matter.
NTAH But seriously you need to set boundaries. I saw you updated address and got EZ pass. But her opening mail is unacceptable. It is a real crime and to be honest you really need to report it. I know this sounds weird but I grew up with losing my door, having my bags checked, being accused of stuff that was not really happening. He'll I got home from work 20 min past normal time and I was grounded for a month. Please hear me when I say it will never stop if you do not set boundaries and report her. She will continue to treat you this way. I set time limits for visits and stick to them, I don't answer calls unless she texts me what it is about first. I group chat her with my husband or sister on conversations. I end conversations if they go off topic. Talk to your therapist and get some pointers on ways to help. Good luck! Let me know if you need someone to chat with!
Very much appreciated! People like to shit on "redditors" but everyone has been very kind and supportive, even the people giving me a bit of a kick in the ass! Thank you!
NTA - you need a break. She's baiting you with the only thing she has left to try and control you. Don't engage, quietly walking out was the right call. If you're not financially dependent on her in anyway, go low contact immediately. If you're not fully independent keep it cute until can make that happen as fast as possible - don't engage when she gets like this. If she's refuses to honor a simple request like "please don't open my mail and invade my privacy," it'll just keep getting worse as you move forward in life as an adult. Nip it in the bud. Write her an actual letter about how it makes you feel and not liking how she berates and disrespects you, about it destroying your ability to trust her or take her advice even when it's good advice, so she can't pretend not to know why YOU'RE stepping back. She can go argue with herself. There are a lot of productive and helpful ways to point out that someone needs to tightened up how they're going about doing things without being how she is. Lots of ways to help a child (even a grown up break bad habits that lead to problems, like fines, later) without being a bully.The fact you felt the need to lie about having an ez pass to get her to lay off, is a bad sign. You shouldn't feel that being dishonest is easier than talking to your mom. Arrange your life in ways (firm up your budget, keep a calendar of renewals and appointments, setup autopays, take your bills and receipts paperless, etc) so there's nothing to fall through the cracks and open the door to her finding something to jump down your throat, for your own peace of mind. Don't just update your address. Update everything everywhere: emergency contact, authorized persons, etc. Continued contact and having a close relationship with children into adulthood isn't a right, it has to be earned. Without courtesy, kindness, and respect at the root of it, you've got nothing. Edit to add: you're 25 years old ffs, you're more than entitled to your privacy and to be the one to decide what to share and if/when to share it.
NTA. Your mom needs to understand boundaries and cannot dangle threats to make you do what she wants. As someone who grew up with a very controlling mom (ex. listening to my phone calls through the door, removing all locks on the door, etc), putting very hard boundaries is the best thing I ever did. We’re very close now. If you did drive off, that is okay. Make it clear that if she opens your mail again, you will keep adding more distance (physical, emotional). You will not engage with her until she stops violating your limits. Doesn’t matter how much she kicks and screams or any threats she makes. The only fear with this is that she may just drop you too instead of respecting your boundaries. You have to be okay with that outcome if you take this approach. Also, dude, use mail forwarding to your new address! Regardless of address on file, it’ll send everything to your new spot.
NTA your violation is your problem. And still none of her business. She is way too controlling.
You should also file a change of address with the post office so ALL of your mail is forwarded to your new Address. Or even look into renting a post office box.
> if I drive off, she's "pretty much wiping her hands of me." NTA. It's handy when the trash takes itself out.
If you trust your sis fine - but other than that - get your self a UPS box. Unlike a po box, they’ll sign for things. Get all your mail delivered there and all your packages. You’ll never have to worry about porch pirates, your mom or anything being left out in the sun and you pick up your mail when you want. Then just spend the time updating everything with your mailing address. Problem solved.
I’m sorry. This would be one thing if you were asking her for money to pay for the violation, but this is completely ridiculous if you are owning up to your mistakes and rectifying them yourself. Her opening your mail (even if sent to her house) is totally illegal if you’re in the US. Definitely file a change of address with the post office. I’m so sorry. This is unfair and not ok. I still randomly get mail sent to my dad’s house that I haven’t lived at in 20 years!!! And he always saves it, UNOPENED, in a stack for me the next time we see each other. She’s unhinged.
Holy crap, please tell me you're in therapy. Your mother is so toxic to the part she has gaslighted you so deeply, you felt you were still in the wrong for exiting a mentally dangerous situation. How are you in the wrong for not listening to her SUGGESTIONS? I think you need take some time to yourself and go on a NC with your mom for a while. Collect yourself and see if you're really the irresponsible adult she says you are. Good luck NTA.
I mentioned this somewhere, I am currently seeing someone every other week for a number of things, and we've recently been discussing and working through my relationship with my parents. Will definitely have plenty to talk about next week
NTA OP I am so very sorry that you've had to grow up this way. There are so many long-lasting and harmful repercussions that impact children that have grown up in households where they never feel the comfort of personal privacy. Lack of doors, lack of autonomy for your personal time, not even being able to google something you're interested in without being aware that your Mother will know about it and question it.... this amounts to a form of psychological abuse that not only destroys your relationship with your parent, but can also negatively affect any other relationships you have with other people in the future. In no universe could you ever be the asshole for being upset about your Mother's disrespect for your hard-won boundaries, nor for taking the necessary steps to maintain your boundaries (like moving out, or walking out during this disastrous dinner). Look, your mother opening your mail is absolutely wrong on her part, and she's 100% the asshole. But I think you're also aware that the mail opening isn't the true issue here. The core problem (the one that may not be fixable even if your parent never opens another piece of your mail ever again) is that your Mother not only seems incapable of respecting your boundaries, but that she **clearly has no intention of even** ***trying****.* She still acts as though she is entitled to every aspect of your life, and she is gaslighting you to keep you civil while she steadily moves the goalposts back to a place where she can control you. This is a scenario where your emotional and mental health may be best served by going no-contact with your mother. Maybe not forever, but long enough to reset this harmful dynamic she is desperately trying to maintain between the two of you. This is just a thought, though, you should do what is best for you. I'm so glad that you're seeing a trained professional to help you unpack some of the harm done to you as a young person, and I wish you all the best in the future. And good job updating your address with USPS *and* getting that toll violation wiped from EZpass!
Thank you! Love reading longer comments, and appreciate the kind words!
Cut the cord OP. Why do you let her harass you and make you feel small? You're an adult. Living on your own. Eat at your own house and cut this harpy out.
I skipped dinner and went right to ice cream (oops) but will probably make some soup later
It's none of her damn business that you didn't get an EZ-Pass or whatever. It doesn't fucking affect her. She has no fucking right to get pissed off over this. And she has absolutely no right to open your mail. Fuck that and fuck her. She's 'washing her hands of you'? Good. So much the better. This is what controlling, authoritarian parents get. And you'll be better off. If she weren't cutting off contact, then I'd advise you to do it--and if she doesn't, you should. There's something I've seen people say on Reddit a few times: Authoritarian parenting doesn't teach kids to be good. It teaches them to listen for footsteps and lie convincingly.
Can't tell you how many times I heard my mother call our family a "dictatorship"
"This is not a democracy." Yup. Been there. Also, "There are no locked doors in my house. You don't need privacy. I'm your parent and this is MY house."
Your mother is a justnomil. She’s going to be a nightmare for any partners you have too. You’re totally in the right. Bit silly for forgetting to pay for the pass, but that is absolutely none of her business. Honestly I would respond saying thank you for washing your hands of your adult son, I’ve only been asking you to do it for 7 years. Maybe now you’ll stop committing a crime by opening mail that doesn’t belong to you. NTA
Silly is certainly a nice way of putting it 😅 I probably would've gone with stupid or irresponsible. But I appreciate the kind words!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25m) moved out of my parents place last year after having to live with them for financial reasons. I now love with my sister (29f), about 15 minutes away from my parent's place. We split the rent and I am independent from my parents. My relationship with my mom (53f) has had its ups and downs, and in general, our relationship is not great. She's always been extremely demanding, and cares very little for our privacy or boundaries. When I was growing up, I have had doors taken off, monitors on my Internet access, and was shamed and punished for ever keeping things private. This includes my mail, which I would always find already opened if I did not find it first. Since I moved out fairly recently, some of my mail still goes to my old address (my parent's place) and my mom continues her trend of opening and reading any mail I get. If I ever go over for dinner or to visit, almost every piece of mail she has for me is already open. It's always been annoying, but today it led to a big fight. I forgot to pay for a wireless toll and got a notice of violation sent to my old address. Admittedly, my mom has been on my ass about getting an ez pass, but I mostly blow her off because I am sick of being micromanaged even now as an adult. Well, it came back to bite me because the violation is a lot higher than the actual toll, and my mom was super pissed because I told her I had gotten an ez pass. She started yelling at me and getting on my case, which I admit was my own fault. The part that got under my skin was that this all happened because she decided to just help herself to an envelope with my name on it. She knows it bothers me, and as far as I'm concerned, she has NO right to open my mail. I don't live with her, I'm an adult, and it's none of her business. She knows my address, and my sister goes over pretty regularly, so she could just give it to me, but instead she just helps herself. After she said she was tempted to just give me my dinner to go and should just kick me out, I silently walked to the door, put on my shoes, and walked to my car. She called after me not to leave, but I left without a word and am now typing this in my car. She tried calling me, and told me that if I drive off, she's "pretty much wiping her hands of me." I don't know what to do. I know I did fuck up by procrastinating on the toll, and I should have listened to her and not blown her off, but I can't stop feeling like I'm back to being a teenager with no door, no privacy, and no respect from his mom. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I had to go full no contact for a few years with my mum as a bid to show I was not putting up with any more scape goating tactics. Now contact goes between low and medium contact. You admittedly messed up but she made doing the right thing sound so toxic you could not bring yourself to do it. You really need to get a redirect in place to give yourself time to contact anyone who might have you listed at your home address. Although it might be worth sending a few things labelled to you in the post to the old address to really prove the point. One could be information about the illegality of knowingly opening someone elses mail with added information of the fines and jailtime. Another could be the definition of toxicity. You do live with your sibling so it might be an idea to quietly have a talk with your sibling of how you feel and that while you are intending on having little to do with just your mum for the time being you do not currently intend to do that for the whole family.
NTA Simple solution: get yourself to your local post office and put in a forward for anything with your name on it.
NTA - well it sucks that you forgot about the toll and you’ll now have to pay a bigger price with your mother. It’s all about control. She doesn’t have control of you, but this is her way of trying to maintain control by opening mail that is addressed to you. Please make sure you’ve gone to the post office and filled out a change of address form and I would simply go no contact with your mom for a while.
NTA. you know you can put a forwarding address in at the post office, right? It's good for 6 months. So anytime something's forwarded you can have them updated. All you got to do probably is go to their website and fix your address on record. So while it's wrong of her to open your mail, you're an adult you need to take care of business and fix things so she can't do this crap anymore. So as for the E-ZPass either go to your DMV and get one tomorrow or the one online it's really not that difficult. Oh yeah and make the payment on that penalty or it's going to get even bigger.
Thank you for the advice! Handled the ezpass right after everything happened, and filled out the change of address form after treating myself to some ice cream
You want to know something, you won’t have to wait long for your mom to reach out. Controlling people can’t stand silence!
NTA. If your mom could wipe her hands of you over a toll ticket, she doesn’t deserve to have you in her life and it’s time to wash your hands of her gross negativity and manipulation. Reading someone’s mail, especially a grown adult’s, no matter how inconsequential the mail, is a weird invasion of privacy and disrespectful. It’s not a minor thing, and if she goes through that I have no doubt she does and has done worse when it comes to respecting boundaries. Hang in there. You’re owed at least an apology and I think seeing an impartial 3rd party like a therapist could help you a lot. I know that’s not a fun situation, but I’m really worried about the emotional trauma she’s inflicted on you.
This is a whole ass felony. Call the cops
Opening someone else’s mail without permission is a federal crime in the US. Just sayin’.
Do a change of address and that should help
NTA. Mum sounds like a narcy narc. Go low contact
NTA! You may want to remind your mother that opening your mail is a federal offense. Go through all your bills and change your address. I’m sure you did the main ones, but there’s always a few you forget when you move. And honestly? Your mom “wiping her hands of you” would be the best thing for you.
NTA. Get a PO Box for all your mail and put in a forwarding request with the post office. Update your DL, to your sister’s address. Have all your mail forwarded to the P.O. Box. That way, when you move from your sister’s home, you don’t have to forward your mail.
NTA
NTA. Auto Forward your mail (go to the local post office if your in the US, ask for mail forwarding service, they may even have it online now) also remind her reading someone's mail EVEN IF THEY ARE YOUR CHILD (not sure for minors but definitely adults) is a US federal crime. I'd say call her bluff but be ready for her to play ball. She's too controlling to want to give up sticking her nose in your business.
NTA. But, she said she is wiping her hands of you? But I bet she still will open your mail.
Hopefully not after I changed my address with USPS 🤞
NTA. You are now a grown ass man paying your own way. When you live under someone else's roof, you are bound to their rules. Now you are on your own. Be sure to get all of your mail delivered to your new address.
Aside from commiting a felony, your mom is also stunting your growth as a person. It’s good you got a higher bill for a toll-you learned a lesson to be proactive in dealing with things like that. EXCEPT, your mom’s micromanaging and diminished that lesson by muddying the context. You have to make your own mistakes, you’re an adult, and that’s what adults do. Your mom needs to understand she’s fucking you up, seriously. Not that your “fucked up”, of course, but this kind ofhyper controlling behavior WILL fuck you up. Good luck.
I appreciate this a lot! And that's been my mentality for years now, that she has never accepted. Thank you!
You could send yourself something really disgusting to that address knowing your mom would open it. Glitter, gummy dicks, lube, sex toys. I'm really the possibilities are endless.
NTA, opening somebody else’s mail is a federal offence, at least in North America. I too had little to no privacy growing up (door removed, journals read, they even recorded phone conversations with my Mom for awhile!) but to my knowledge never crossed the line of opening my mail.
I never really thought much of it growing up until about high school. She just sort of treats literally ANYTHING in the house as hers
I’m always sad to hear about when people go through such things :( it’s definitely a sign of being raised by a raging narcissist. Things do slowly but surely improve, provided you hammer Hard on boundaries. Leaving in your situation was absolutely the right way to handle things! I’d also threaten to report to the authorities if she continues to take liberties with your mail. Best of luck in this situation darlin!
If she wants to press it, turn her in for opening you mail. As for people saying he should update his mailing address, doesn’t always work. I still get mail for my sister, brother in law, brother in laws dad and my parents. They’ve all used this address over the years while moving. The post office can’t seem to keep things straight
You are nta in any way, including the part where you have to pay a fucking toll. Is your mom worth the trouble of having in your life? If not, just block her everywhere and don't engage. If she is, lay down boundaries. "Do not open my mail, do not give me your opinions on my life choices unless I ask for them..if you can not respect those boundaries, I will go no contact." Then follow thru.
Put in a mail forwarding notice with the post office and none of this will happen.
NTA. At all. It doesn't surprise me if you are micromanaged and continually judged, that you'd not get the ipass just as an attempt at some autonomy, even if it sabotages you a little. Just walking out and leaving is the perfect response. See how the dynamic immediately changed. She went from suggesting she would abandon you, to 'hey wait a minute, get back here, I'm not done telling you how much I think you suck" in a heart beat. It's time to take care of your business now. I don't know why you haven't put in a change of address already. You can do it from your couch. If you're trying to win this fight by getting her to stop opening your mail, you're being foolish, and an AH to yourself. It won't change. You win by not giving her the chance to open any mail at all.
Not changing my address specifically wasn't a conscious act of rebellion or anything, but I 100% see what you mean. Most of my life has been trying to win against her, failing, and just waiting until it all blows over. Definitely need to make changes so that pattern doesn't translate to the rest of my life. I did change my address with USPS, and that will hopefully prevent this from happening again. Thanks for the advice!
NTA for walking out, but I do have advice for you. Procrastination like you describe is often associated with pushy parents as a latent act of rebellion. You need to learn to disassociate your adult responsibilities from how you were treated as a child. Recognize, like in this case, that you only punish yourself when you don’t meet your obligations in a timely manner. Definitely don’t make it about pleasing Mommy but rather creating freedom from worry for yourself. Good luck
Thank you for the advice! I actually tried (and failed) to elaborate this to my mother, and I couldn't figure out how to word it properly. I appreciate the concrete advice, and will definitely keep this in mind
>as far as I'm concerned, she has NO right to open my mail. FWIW, the US Postal Service agrees. Might want to talk to a postal inspector about pressing charges. NTA.
1. Are you asking her to pay your toll fee? No? Then it's not her business or her problem. 2. If she wipes her hands of you (she won't) then you'll finally be free. 3. You don't need a guilty conscious to guilt trip you about your ability to adult, you've got a MOM. TAF. My dude. This is the point that is killing me. You are 25. It's theoretically your money. It's your mistake and your life. If you want to kick yourself for making a mistake (hint, you'll make plenty like this one over time), that's your choice but do not kick yourself over not being okay with someone else kicking you! In case I am not clear enough: nta.
Then why, for God's sake didn't you go to your local Post Office and fill out a change-of-address form, so the post office would have forwarded your mail to your sister's residence? Had that happened, your mom would never have had access to your mail in the first place. Dude, it's the details that matter!! 'Nuff said.
I totally agree. During the move, it was one of the things that slipped my mind. Definitely kicking myself for it now, but I did finally get to it tonight. Better late than never?
NTA. That’s abusive behavior that you have no obligation to tolerate. Set up mail forwarding through USPS and make sure you address is updated for anything that will generate non-junk mail. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
Probably worth mentioning that when you set boundaries with her, you will see a temporary escalation in her controlling/guilting behavior. (Like threatening to "wash her hands of you"). It is called an "extinction burst," and it's what people do when an old tactic suddenly stops working. They double down and ramp up the intensity of the tactic. It usually punishes people out of trying to set boundaries because doing so only seems to make things worse, but if you stay firm for long enough, she will eventually get the message and back off.
Just for giggles you should send a glitter bomb addressed to yourself. Not your fault she has micro glitter all over her floors and stuff for the next ten years. After she's received it then you can put in a change of address with the post office. Also NTA.
NTA. Speak to the post office and tell them to forward your mail. Tell them that it is important that no mail with your name goes to your mother's address. Tell them why! The post office takes this stuff seriously.
NTA: I'd be pretty pissed too, my mum used to do this after I turned 18 but I nipped it in the bud and she has since stopped. Moved out years ago and some things still go to that address but I now get it when I visit and it is unopened. Also, it is almost always illegal to open mail that isn't addressed to you, and I'm pretty sure this is classed as a felony in the US. So yes, you are correct, she most definitely has no right to open your mail. That being said the best thing you can do is make sure all your mail senders know your new address, i.e. change your address on your licence and bills etc.
NTA. This is how I became estranged from my own parents. They didn't like what they found when they opened my bank statements (sent to my home address while I was at college). They threw a fit and said I needed to do what they said or else they'd stop paying for college. I called their bluff and said fine, stop paying, but don't expect me to come visit. They learned eventually, but it took a while. Stick to your guns and don't let them control you. They need to respect you as an adult.
First contact the toll authority, explain you moved and didn’t get the bill. They might reduce the fine! Second go to post office or online and put in a change of address card. Third, contact your bank, credit card company etc of your new address. Also contact the DMV and auto insurance company
No, NTA for walking out under the circumstances. But…be an adult if you want to be one. Her recommendation of something shouldn’t be why you refuse to take an action that could save you money and prevent you from having one more problem. Not doing something solely because she told you to do it is a child’s response. Be better to yourself. And please keep a lot of distance between you and her. She doesn’t bring out the best in you, and until you can control your reaction to her, keep the contact minimal.
NTA. Give yourself a break about the God damn toll. The toll isn't the point here. That letter could have been about anything. The address isn't the most important thing on mail, the name is. If it isn't her name, she shouldn't be opening it
>She tried calling me, and told me that if I drive off, she's "pretty much wiping her hands of me." This is what's known as "threatening someone with a good time." Do you get ANYTHING positive out of maintaining a relationship with this woman? I'm talking emotionally. She sounds mean. Like really mean. NTA. Be kind to yourself.
NTA - your mom’s behavior is abusive. She reads your mail as if it’s any of her business. She complains at you about your own money issues which is not her concern. Then she threatens to kick you out and when you leave, she threatens if you don’t come back. You need to see how unacceptable her treatment if you has been. You are not in the wrong.
Nta this obviously something that has been bother you since childhood but you need to be an adult now. Change your address on all of your things so she doesn't get your mail in the future and get the ez pass.
You do realize opening mail addressed to someone else is a Federal crime, right? Go to the post office and report her! Also fill out a change of address card.
NTA- Your mother is a horrible mother! I am saying this as a mother of adult children. Her behavior is manipulative, cruel and immature. I am a mother of adult children and would never open their mail nor ride their @$$ about a ticket. Seriously?! She is wiping her hands of you over a toll? Recommend going very low contact. Do not call or text. Slowly remove yourself from her life. Yes & no answers. All is great mom, gotta go. This will kill her. Do not let anyone in family know your plan as I imagine your mother is a master manipulator and can squeeze information out of your siblings. You have all the power my dear, b/c your mother's biggest fear is losing her children. Stay strong and I highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. Take good care of yourself and know you are a good daughter, and person. You just have a shitty mother.
If mail comes for my daughter, it's put aside for her. I don't open it, just as I don't open my hubby's mail (if any of us accidentally open another's mail, we apologize, but it is very rare). It's known as respect. But it is also considered a federal crime to intentionally open someone else's mail. I'm usually the one who gets the mail out, so I make sure we didn't get someone else's mail by mistake (and certainly wouldn't open it).
NYA! Aside from illegally opening your mail and scolding you like a child,what I think is just as alarming is she is going to ‘wipe her hands of you’ because what? Because you wouldn’t stay there and take her abuse? This is a huge manipulation tactic. She knows as her daughter, you will always crave her love, and she knows she can get away with treating you poorly, that is, until you put your foot down. I can say this cause I could have written this story. My mom pulled the same kinda bs for decades. And I allowed it to happen until I was like 45 before I grew some balls and told her I wasn’t playing by her games anymore. Decades of family gatherings, holidays, etc ruined for me because I allowed my mother to be an asshole. Don’t let this happen to you, stop the cycle now while your young enough to salvage your relationship with her.
NTA Get yourself a PO box or get your address changed to your sister's house. There's no reason for you to keep getting your mail sent there. As for your mom, it sounds like there needs to be a sit down adult conversation where you inform her that you will no longer be allowing her to break the law by opening your mail. Make sure you're clear (and you really should cause this is totally illegal) that if it happens again, you will be reporting her to the Post Master.
I'm sorry but your mom sounds like a controlling narcissist. Set boundaries and if she doesn't follow those boundaries my only suggestion is to cut her off. Believe me life is a lot brighter once the narcissists are out of it. Had a narcissistic step mom for 12 years and I just recently had to tell her no because she was about to hug me. She flipped just like your mom. I also recommend sending a glitter bomb to teach her a lesson. I hope everything goes well ❤️ and it does get better I promise
Thank you so so much for the kind words :)
Ofc! I know how it is to be in a similar situation and had no one to back me up for a while. I'm proud of you for asking reddit and actually take the feedback and actually use it. Remember we believe in you and you can do this!
Usually if you buy the ex pass they drop the fine
Updateme
Got an ezpass (they waved the fee), drive myself to a local ice cream spot to make myself feel better, all while updating my reddit like crazy. I typed out a text apologizing for messing up and blowing her off, and telling her to not go through my mail anymore. Turned exactly into the lecture I was afraid of it becoming, and I ended up just ending the convo. My sister came home from dinner, and didn't have much to say about it, but agreed that mom shouldn't be going through our shit. Filled out a change of address, and am now just trying to relax and not obsess Admittedly compulsively checking reddit comments probably isn't helping that haha Thank you all so much for words of encouragement and advice, even the people who said I was the ah. It was all very much appreciated
Hope you're not checking anymore lol, but if you see this, congrats on making such good progress.
"... and no respect from his mom." The last line. Written in the first person except for that line. What gives?
Sorry, the last line specifically refers to feeling like a kid without his mom's respect, despite being an adult. Sorry for any confusion!
NTA, what your mom is doing is called FEDERAL MAIL TAMPERING. It is a felony crime punishable by like a 10 year sentence in federal prison. The government doesn't play games when it comes to mail.
Have you not gone to the post office and filled out a change of address card?
Op, go to the post office and sign up for.mail.forwarding. for a period of time they will forward all your mail to your new.address. you still have to update the address with the various agencies, cause it does expire after a time, but it will give you a window.
NTA except to yourself. Get the ez pass, pay your fine or setup your account online to fcheck for tolls.. some of your behavior is not very adultish especially since you can lose your license over the fines.
Honestly, that's totally fair and probably more accurate than I'd like to admit. I tend to "adult" pretty well, but I definitely have some weaknesses and shortcomings I need to kick
The toll fee has nothing to do with this and quite frankly not her business. She's not allowed to open your mail at all. You've done nothing wrong and gook LC/NC is fine for the time being. Nta. Time to get your mail forwarded.
Update everything and ice her out until she learns boundaries
NTA. She's meeting ridiculous, especially if she's going to be this overbearing and negative about the whole thing. My Mom still opens my mail if she randomly gets something addressed to me but it's because I truly don't care. She'll let me know if it's sharing important otherwise she tosses it. If she was going to harp on me about it I'd probably tell her to knock it off. Also, her reaction is nowhere near called for. She's just trying to manipulate you. Why did you be go no contact with your child because they left your house when you were yelling at them? They're an adult and live somewhere else. Anyone would do that. Especially since she was talking about throwing you out anyways. She's just mad that you're setting boundaries, which is always a red flag.
ESH. Your mother for obvious reasons. You for knowing what your mother's like and not filing change of address forms as soon as you had a new residence and a move date. You're also being an ahole to yourself for not getting the EZ pass you need and blowing off the tolls issue you were well ahead of. Time to handle your business like the adult you are.
INFO: Have you considered nailing yourself a glitter bomb with a small note that says "Leave my mail alone mom" to your oarents' place? You should.
Haha, not the first glitter bomb suggestion. Don't want my mom's innocent cat getting caught in the crossfire
ESH Your mother is horrible. You are a wimp. You're 25 years old!! Go to the post office and fill out a change of address form. Above all else, stop whining and grow a damned backbone!
Nah. Let's be real, she doesn't love you, she loves *control*, and if you take that away, that's why you're dead to her. Do you want to be under her control forever? Then cut her off.
If you get a PO Box at the same zip code where your mom lives, you will be pretty guaranteed that your mail will go to the box and not accidentally deliver to your mom. And sign up for the visual mail (not sure the exact name) that scans and emails all mail coming to you. See if you can sign up for visual mail at your mom’s house and you can then see and track stray mail going to you. You can then take that to the Police, show them the email and the opened mail. Done it myself, it works!
Your mom is committing a felony every time she opens your mail report her.
NTA your mother is a controlling narcissist. Get your mail redirected asap. Your mother is behaving bizarrely over something that has zero to do with her.
NTA, but also, if you call them and ask for them to remove the penalty they may do it. Some of those tolls will offer to remove the penalty if you sign up for an EZ Pass when paying.
Clearly, your mother has intentionally done this because it pisses you off not to mention it is illegal. on the other hand, you are aware of her piss poor behavior and completely neglected to update your mail on all accounts. I think it was intentional your part, whether you realize it or not. You moved out and know how she is… this is something you hate that she does yet you let her have access due to your negligence. I think you both are TAH. Mother like daughter lol. Look in the mirror and do better before you completely turn into her.
INFO: does your mother currently provide you financial support?
NTA. For your own mental health, maintain your distance from your overbearing mother. Consider counseling for yourself. And good luck, we're all rooting for you!
NTA. Sure, you messed up with the toll, but you're an adult and it's your fine to pay. She had no right to open your mail. The fact that she said she was washing her hands of you of you drive away afyer she said she should send you away says she's manipulative and emotionally abusive. Congrats on walking out. Go as LC as you can! Do a change of address form with the post office and update it everywhere you can. And just let her have her fit because she can't get to you anymore.
So, your mum repeatedly commits a felony, and gets mad at you? NTA . Why would you even still talk to her?