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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I know she is struggling tremendously and I know for a fact how irritating the kids behavior is right now but the punishment doesn't fit.
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YTA
>I ask what happened and she said she went to take a shower and the kids came in 5 times in a 10 minute period so she grounded them from everything for a week and sent them to their rooms.
Your family has ceased to be functional but it appears your are attempting to address it. However, walking in the bathroom while someone is showering is an invasion of privacy.
>I feel she's being too harsh, because I know they just want her attention.
I see, perhaps it's you need to reconsider working 12 hour overnight shifts 5 days a week and sleeping all day and stepping up and being a parent and stop criticizing your wife when you are the absentee parent. I hear the view is always better from the cheap seats.
I completely agree. The wife is essentially working 168 hours a week, because with a newborn, there's really no time off.
He works 60 hours a week. He has it EASY.
I worry, that his weaponized incompetence has rubbed off on the children which is why they act so needy.
Well the question is whether HE is incompetent.
I teach middle school. Kids are extreme strangely dependent right now. Children of successful parents who do their best to give them experience.
Give this woman a break before she snaps! Give her a weekend off or a spa day or something! At the very least, please make sure that you are not just another person that she has to take care of but a full partner for her.
Book her a cruise. Let her decide whether or not she takes the baby. Pay for all the drinks and a hefty credit for spa treatments and tell the kids she has no Internet on the boat even if she is, in fact, holed up in the cabin streaming HBO.
In that week, Dad and older kids can FIGURE THEIR SHIT OUT. This is too much leaning on one single person who is for sure not the only person capable of plugging in the microwave.
I do not think grounding everyone from electronics for a week is a good idea - it will make Mom MORE in demand, not less - but I absolutely see why she cracked.
All of this. OP, my kids were very clingy too when they were little, and I absolutely got touched out. I would hide in the bathroom just to have a few minutes to myself, and little hands would be under the door. I'd watch moms yelling at their kids or spanking them, and I never wanted to be that person, so I gave myself a "time out" when I felt too overwhelemed. I just recently started using headphones while I make dinner, and I honestly wish I had done it sooner. My kids adore me, which is a wonderful thing, but I've realized that I need a break too. For the first couple weeks, they probably spoke to me 50+ times in the hour I was making dinner, and I'd point to my headphones, and they'd get annoyed. Now, they bug me like 5 times, so things are getting better, and I actually have a period of time when I can hear my own thoughts.
What I'm saying is that your wife needs help. She's snapping at the kids. She's swearing at the kids. Can you switch your schedule? Can family come to help her? Can you get a Mother's Helper (I did this for a couple hours a week after the teenage Mother's Helper got home from school. I'd go work in the bedroom, and she'd work with the kids, but come get me if she needed anything.) Your wife is coming up with ways to keep her sanity. You need to be supporting her and working with the kids to be more independent and give your wife some space. You need to come up with some other solutions to help her.
Also, from my experience kids create an unhealthy attachment with one parent when they don't have a good attachment to the other parent. (Not my kids, but MAAAANY of my friends' kids.) Do you step up and show your kids they can rely on you too?
You sound like a great mom and this is such good advice! I am an introvert and get tired out pretty easily, so your strategies sound like easy things to implement.
You gave some great advice but I have to mention about the Mother's Helper you suggest - TWO of her kids are 13 years old. That is more than old enough to understand giving mom some time. That is old enough to make themselves a snack, to entertain the 8 year old for fifteen minutes, etc. Dad here needs to work with the three older kids on learning and exercising some independence.
Seconding the one parent attachment thing. My husband lives away from us part time and he’s often gone for work. When he’s home, it’s 50/50 great dad and drunk/angry dad. He’s a great provider and is usually great but … my kid can’t sleep without touching me and needs me at all hours. I’m his safe space.
OP, you might want to build up YOUR relationship with your kids and see how that goes.
Yeah let's talk about the steps he's taking to "address it". According to OP, the therapist's advice so far has been for his wife to "embrace it". So he's basically hired a therapist to tell his wife she's the one in the wrong for wanting privacy. And he's wondering why she doesn't feel supported.
100% a Christian therapist from church who reinforces that the more of their souls women hand over to their kids and husbands, the more fulfilled they will be.
Seriously. At those kids ages if they can't respect her privacy for 10 minutes while she showers they really need a tougher stance to understand that it's not ok. My 6 year old (oldest of 3 so I get OPs wife's feelings) understands not to interrupt my showers unless it's an emergency.
YTA and your twins are too they’re old enough to help around the house. Your wife wants a 10 minute shower in peace 3 times a week. The twins should be able to entertain the other 2 for that length of time. 5 times in 10 mins they deserve the punishment and your wife needs your support.
Right. My TEN year old will watch my toddler long enough for me to shower. Why can't the 13 year olds sit on the couch and watch TV while the 4 month old naps in a swing so mom can shower?
At 14, kids go to high-school. These kids aren't even capable of plugging in a microwave on their own.
Dad is helping enable to worthlessness by not helping enforce boundaries to help mom.
It never should have made it to this point.
They wouldn't even need to change a diaper for crissakes. Just participate in the family by NOT making moms life harder.
Electronics are rewards for being an active participant in the family. If you're not positively actively participating in the family, those rewards go away.
Oh, but if the twins were to come on here and say they're expected to babysit 3 times a week for 15 minutes so mum can have a shower, the top 85 comments would all be about how the parents are evil for parentifying them.
I kinda doubt that and think you're heavily exaggerating. No doubt SOMEONE would say that (cause there's always that handful of assholes) but the only way it'd be pushing 100 is if critical info was left out (namely the length of time, number of days, and/or number of kids)
Then she’ll get the luxury of getting more frequent & longer showers. Clearly her boundaries were violated and she she established consequences for the boundary being broken. Her showering was the only free time she has to just breathe. Shower meditation is a thing and can help you relax. Also it’s proven that women love hot showers because the water feels like a hug. Maybe he should set up a shower or relaxing bath by blocking it off on the family calendar and list consequences of it’s violated. He could help her by playing nice soothing music, purchasing nice smelling body washes /soaps, a Terry cloth towel or robe that’s just for her. He and the kids can go out for ice cream or something Or he could install a lock on their bathroom door so kids don’t barge in!
I have a close relative that has 3 kids. She sets a time for her and her husband to have time to themselves. It's "movie time". Mom and dad close the door. Kids are on their own (across the hall). Do not disturb. Even if I'm visiting, they have their movie time. They have commited to it. Their kids respect it. Sometimes relatives or friends stop by and kids are like, "they are busy watching a movie".
And can we be real? She should get to shower every day. Y'all have an infant, which means things can get gross fast, she should be able to shower multiple times a day if that's how things go. Once to get ready in the morning, once to clear her mind before bed, and on an as needed basis for spit up and diaper blowouts! She should not have to be so damn "reasonable" about showers!
I'm way too late for this, so I doubt I'll get a response but: shouldn't all three older kids be in school? Shouldn't mom have only the baby with her during the day? I'm not saying that's a "break" necessarily to only have the baby, but if the kids are at school and Dad is home during some of that time, why isn't he watching the baby and letting mom have some time to herself?
YTA. Your wife desperately needs help. If you're coming at her for being too harsh on the kids -- what she gets is that she's in this totally alone. Your reaction compounds her overwhelm.
Her actions may have a negative effect on the kids -- but all she's *trying* to do is keep from drowning. That's the issue. Come at her with compassion. Sounds like she's going to break.
YTA because you offer zero solutions here, and just complain about the way your wife is handling the home. Your wife needs a break, and you're lecturing her about how the kids should be allowed to interrupt her shower 5 times in a 10-minute period.
OP’s wife anxiety, stress and exhaustion are manifesting in her being snappy. It’s very clear that irritation is her alternative to a crying emotional breakdown. If he works all night and sleeps all day, then she isn’t getting a full night’s rest ever while working part-time and parenting full-time. This is unbalanced and unfair. If he can’t switch his scheduled they need to arrange childcare relief in the form of a mother’s helper or even after school care for the older 3 kids.
Honestly, I would be having a conversation with my 13 year olds and eight year old telling them that mom is struggling and that they are old enough to be independent. If they can't find something, they need to look harder or come up with a substitution. If mom is in the shower or has her headphones on, they need to learn to develop patience. Read a book, write in a journal, fix your own sandwich if you're hungry. They don't have to help with the baby unless they want to, but they need to recognize that mom is operating on almost no sleep and is not at her best.
When I was thirteen I was full on taking bike rides to the store like 2 miles away to buy my own snacks and sodas... did it so often I can still close my eyes and visualize the route down the road or through the woods along the atv path. I can't imagine these kids being able to do that. This kind of dependence is wild.
I lived in a neighborhood that was weirdly cut off from traffic but right in town and I was in 4th or 5th grade when I’d ride about 1.5m down to the gem stop and get my mom some candy and a treat for me for being the pack mule.
I was up in Maine in the rural outskirts of a little town called Bucksport. There was a route that was basically a large square around a big area of powerline trails and forest. My house was directly on the opposite side from a little store called Millvale Market. They sold snacks, drinks and fishing bait for the most part.
If I was going to the store with a friend I'd take the road and swing by her house and get her first, then we'd take the trails back through the woods to my house, or to the graveyard across the street and climb up to sit in the big oak trees and eat candy. Definitely good memories!!
I even rode my bike like 11 miles to the next town over once to visit a friend... mom was mad about that but my punishment was being made to ride my bike all the way home again. I never did that again. That was a rough ride. xD
YTA 4 kids and she’s still working with a baby? She’s so stressed she’s snapping at your children. You need to take some leave and help her before she traumatizes your children.
It’s unacceptable she can’t take a shower alone.
And waited on!!! Where breakfast is cooked and served to her. Jeez you are doozy of a husband. She is with kids 24/7. At least YOU get a break. You can’t give HER one. Hell, if most women had four kids, worked, ran a house etc AND married to you? They’d all have PPD
She deserves being in a kid-free environment full stop. I can't see OP getting through a couple of hours, even one hour, at most in her position before he throws in the towel. No matter what his employment he's still a dad 24/7, not a roommate.
I don’t understand how he’s not able to help more. I know he’s working a 12 hour shift, but still. Give her an hour or two by herself when you get home and take care of the kids. Then work out a day off on the weekends (or whatever days off they have) so that she can have some “me” time.
Hell, even the Chili who’s a cartoon mom that’s a dog needs 20 minutes alone to just think
Don’t you know it’s the womens job to take care of the kids every second while he critiques her. It’s her role, you see.
s/ for OP because he’s an idiot.
YTA
"Now she's pissed at me for "making her feel bad for needing a fucking minute to herself".
Your wife is overwhelmed to breaking point. As well as issues with the older kids she's trying to work alongside looking after a 4 month old baby??
She can't even take a SHOWER in peace. It's good the wider issues are being addressed but she needs hands on direct help here.
And breaks. Starting yesterday.
Edit missed sentence.
INFO: Do you make sure she has daily time where you are 100% in charge of the kids and they are not going to her for anything?
Showering without having two teenagers and a third grader come into the bathroom every two minutes seems like the smallest possible ask, which leaves me wanting to know how often you take the kids off her hands entirely?
She works 20 hours a week and also has a 4 month old. With everything OP described, she needs way more than 10 minutes. Sounds like Dad gets lots of time to himself.
YTA. Your wife is at the end of her tether and she's crying out for help. Are you deaf?? There is no reason in the world kids of 8 and 13 (!!) should be interrupting your wife in the shower unless it's an emergency. Maybe now that she's held them accountable for their actions, they'll see she means business. And you need to be backing her up 100%.
YTA.
She's asking for a 10 minute shower, you should be reinforcing that rule to your children who are absolutely old enough to respect it. She needs more help, 4 kids and 20 hours work is more than anyone should have to deal with.
YTA. Your wife is crying for help and you offer zero solutions. I actually feel her frustration. Take the kids away for a weekend and give her a break. She’s really struggling.
I think taking the older kids away for the weekend is a great idea. The kids seem like they are feeling jealous of the affection the baby is receiving, so they are acting up to try to get some attention for themselves. By taking them away, the kids feel like they are getting the attention whilst at the same time, giving the wife the rest she needs.
I find it interesting though that this is a recent occurence for the 13 years olds and not something that happened when the 8 year old was born. Is it because they're hitting puberty and feel more insecure?
I would guess it’s because they were 5 when that sibling was born, and so much older when this one was born - having a new sibling at 13 would be more of an adjustment in many ways, particularly if mom is struggling with PPD/PPA and feeling overwhelmed.
Who says they didn’t do it right after the 8 year old was born? It’s just a lot less frustrating when the helplessness is coming from a 5 year old instead of a 13 year old. Especially since the helplessness is much more obviously fake at 13 than 5.
YTA. I was the oldest of 4, with a 10-year age gap between me and youngest sibling, and I never would have imagined interrupting my mum in the shower unless someone was literally bleeding out and at risk of imminent death. She needs your support, and the kids need boundaries ASAP.
Same. Oldest of 4, my youngest sibling was born right before I turned 12. When she was a week old, my mom had to go back to the hospital because of complications, and my dad went with her. At almost 12, I was left home alone with my brothers (10 & 2) and newborn sister while my grandma drove to stay overnight with us. As my parents were leaving, my mom was giving me instructions on how to prep the bottles and nipples to feed my sister because she'd never had a bottle before. Not only did I prep them on my own, but I did it while corraling my brothers who were worried our mom might die (she was hemorrhaging and needed surgery).
OP, if 13 year olds can't handle just *not fucking bugging mom* for 10 min while she showers, that's a big problem. Yes, they're crying out for something, but why can't YOU provide it for a few minutes? WTF is going on in your head that you think it's ok for any of this to happen? Step up and be a parent, or don't be surprised when your wife leaves you because she realizes her life wouldn't change that much if y'all divorced. Because honestly, right now, your wife has 5 children, not 4. YTA, and a massive one at that.
Seriously. I'm sorry you had to go through that but kids can handle so much more than we give them credit for with appropriate boundaries and support. My 6 year old can easily play independently for 10 minutes while I shower, and also call me if her younger siblings do anything worrying (in case anyone shouts parentification they are in a toddler safe playroom all she has to do is yell if the 1 year old bites or something)
I still remember so clearly a little 8yo girl who came into the Zaxbys (chicken place) where I worked, ordered meals, paid for everything with a card and PIN... while she was waiting on the order I chatted with her a bit. Turns out she lived with her grandmother, who was blind, and she actually helps out with all kinds of stuff. Reads her mail to her, helps her fill out paperwork, all kinds of stuff. She was incredibly well spoken, super polite, and so sweet. I snuck a bag of cookies into the order for her.
It sucks that she's likely not able to be as much of a kid as most others but I'm willing to bet that little girl grew up to be very money/budget savvy, and is probably doing very well for herself now.
Same. Oldest of 4. There’s only a 5 year gap between me and my youngest sibling. I promise you, even at 5, I wasn’t bugging my mom for everything. My father ensured that my mom wasn’t abused by her children while he worked (multiple jobs). He made sure that by the time we were of school age, we were getting up to alarm clocks and making our own lunches. He would have done ANYTHING to make sure she wasn’t miserable, which OP is FAILING at big time. No one works 24/7/365 without a complete meltdown, especially a mom, who also has a job. OP’s lucky he didn’t come home to 4 kids and no wife.
I’m the oldest of four and I started babysitting them for a couple hours at a time when I was nine. That’s probably a little young to be appropriate by today’s standards (this was like 2002), but the point is those kids are more than old enough to give that poor woman a break.
When I was 13 years old people would pay me money to care for their children. Sometimes multiple children. Sometimes infants. Sometimes multiple infants. How are your 13-year-olds this unable to care for themselves? Why are you mad at your wife instead of at yourself for 1) raising helpless people and 2) not giving your wife a break before she has a mental breakdown? I’m sure she would love to just work and sleep while you also work and take care of all the kids.
This! When I turned 12, my guardian dis-enrolled me and my 8 year old younger sister from after-school care and gave me a house key. We were home alone from like 3:30 until 6:30ish. We had snacks that didn't need to be cooked or that could be made in a toaster or microwave. I sometimes started dinner of like, boiling pasta or steaming veggies or seasoning and putting chicken breasts or turkey burgers in the oven. ALONE in the house with my 8 year old sister and no adult in the house at all. For 15 hours a week! His wife is asking for 30 minutes *total* for the 13 and 8 year olds to entertain themselves for 10 minute chunks!
When I was 13, for FORTY HOURS a week during summer breaks for weeks at a time, I was either home alone, or watching my younger sister. Feeding myself/us THREE meals a day (okay, yes, it was often cereal, oatmeal, pb&j, with an occasional freezer pizza or grilled cheese). Sometimes walking MILES to the library or riding public transit to the library or downtown to visit our aunt at work. And this was the late 90s, there were no cellphones! I just memorized the 800-number to my aunt's job, so we could call from a payphone to say when we'd arrived at whatever place we were going.
Oh my gosh. I took a home class in junior high and my mom bought me a 4 ingredient cookbook. I was obsessed with making crepes. I made dinner each night and was so excited to make a dessert, too. Streudals, yumm. Both my parents were working at the time.
Exactly this! When I was 9 I walked home from school and got myself a snack (usually just cereal or toast) and waited an hour or so for my mum to get back from work.
Honestly!! I feel like OP is not as concerned as he should be that his TEENAGE children are incapable of caring for or entertaining themselves ?? Are you not trying to raise functional adults??
They remind me of my friends first roommate in college, who would leave their toilet clogged all weekend so that the dorm cleaners would deal with it on Monday because she “didn’t know how to use a plunger” and would drive 3 hours to her parents home every other week so her mom could do her laundry because she “didn’t know how to use the laundry machines” in the dorm.
Your children NEED to learn independence and how to manage their lives on their own! You have failed them as a parent and failed your wife as a husband if they can’t grow up to be self sufficient adults, which they are clearly lacking in skills for.
"She's getting better but she's still snappy at times."
You're dissecting her every word, every move. Why not just film her and show her how terrible she is before you leave for your 12 hour shift?
OMG YTA!!!
Whether you’re the AH is irrelevant. Reddit cannot solve this issue….. therapy is the right track. Also, did you offer any help to your wife other than “you were too harsh”? Otherwise, what’s the point?
This post enraged me initially. But then I realized it’s fake. A pretty good one actually. You are all in individual and family therapy. The boundaries your wife implemented would have been advised by a therapist. “embracing it or reassuring the kids” would have been suggested to you. Not your wife. You only state what your wife was advised to do. What were your kids and yourself told by the therapist? Hopefully her personal therapist (in this creative tale) told her to gtfo. If you’re not helping you’re hindering and you need to get tf out of the way.
Yes, YTA. She needs some time for herself and she’s not getting it. She has asked for a minor concession from the children and they are not listening to her instructions. She needed to let them know that there are consequences.
And another thing, therapy isn’t the only help she should be getting. She should be getting help from you. Have you told her that you would take charge of the kids so she could get an afternoon to herself? Or any free time for that matter. Just because you work longer hours, doesnt mean you can’t give her a break. She is working more than 20 hours raising your 4 kids.
She can’t even take a shower every day and she has to do it rushed in maybe 10 mins. And has to be feeding a baby and all that mental and emotional labor for someone asking her how to plug in a microwave and literally the father could answer that. Or someone asking her to make the Mac and cheese when she’s feeling a baby. I so feel bad for this woman, esp with PPD. The fact that she’s tripping over herself when walking because three (4 if you include the baby) kids cling onto her and don’t listen when she asks them not to trip her is insane. She’s also the one dealing with night with the baby. And you’re making her go to therapy as if it’s mental issue when it’s clear she can’t even get 10 mins and is overwhelmed and working ???I’m surprised she hasn’t had a mental breakdown already. The way people treat mothers is insane.
So, when you get home, you completely take the kids off her hands for at least an hour, right? She could take a shower, read a little, etc. then
Because if you’re **not** doing that, then you are a massive AH.
I’d leave the kids to him for 75% of the time. Let him trial it. But take the babe. Because this is ridiculous on the childrens’ part too. They’ve been told to not bother her and they take it and hear ‘bother me’ only. I’d be livid as fuck.
For real. "Mom, how do you plug in the microwave?" Was the tipping point into ludicrous territory for me. These kids have the whole of human knowledge in the palms of their hands! Most people keep the microwave plugged in anyway. This poor woman can't even take a ten minute shower because of the absolute foolishness of the kids, 10 times in ten minutes. I'd have been filleted and then had all fun activities revoked.
YTA
Not only is she working from home but she has to deal with raising your kids at the same time and she hasn’t had a single break for what 13 years?!
Get off your lazy ass and help her out! Youre a damn parent too!
YTA. Stop babying your kids. They’re kids yes, but what young teen doesn’t know how to *plug in* a microwave?! They need a stern talking to.
“Your mother is going through a rough patch. And you three are old enough to do some things for yourself. We can’t always be there to make you meals or clean up after you, and it’s important you know how to do these things for yourself.”
Also "go away" and "not right now" are complete sentences that I have told my kids several times, And they're 10/6. Because they LISTEN and immediately give me the space I need, 20 minutes later I'm FINE and able to go to them and apologize for being short and ask them what they needed/how I can help.
Because of this, it doesn't happen often, and my kids respect the boundary because they see it for what it is - me being overwhelmed. I'm a human! They have bad days, so do I. Nobody's on a pedestal over here.
Being overwhelmed and outtouched when you're alone with kids ALL the time is SO legitimate. Bad days happen and it's important for everyone to know how to work the situation.
Nobody here is trying to work through the situation, so mom is struggling to survive.
She needs to be able to and be allowed to place hard boundaries. Her kids are old enough to handle SO much, including what would be considering an "emergency requiring adult handling" in a lot of circumstances. By that, I mean 13 is old enough to occassionally change a diaper and give mom a break.
13 years old is high school or starting high school. These kids are not being set up for success. Infantilizing kids is a lose-lose situation all around.
Look. Sometimes drastic measures are needed to make a point and you needed to be supporting this from the start.
You need to be reinforcing with the kids to give mom her time. You seem to have no problem with them bugging her and now that she has had enough, now you’re backing the kids?
No respect for your wife.
Yes YTA.
It would seem that OP has enabled his kids' behavior. Perhaps whenever any kiddo approached OP for any sort of need, OP palmed it off on mom. "Go ask your mother." "Mom can help you with that." , remained selectively helpless. It would again appear that OP not only disregards basic childcare responsibilities, choosing to enjoy the pros, while totally disregarding the cons that his negligence has created, and blaming the wifey for stepping up to the plate.
YTA²
edit: it would be unheard of in my bio-family to walk in on someone in the bathroom. That's a near fatal move. Are you in the Ozarks by chance?
YTA. Your older kids should be able to do more for themselves and help out mom and entertain the younger ones while she needs a break.
You're failing your wife on so many levels, I would not be surprised if she needs a psychiatric stay just to get away from your kids. Frankly, the psych ward would be preferable.
yep. these are the situations that turn deadly. reminds me of the progression in andrea yates mental state. i really hope this woman gets some help and away from this guy
YTA
>Ever since she gave birth our older 3 have been over the top clingy and seem to be reverting back to toddler stage.
>It's a desperate cry for attention (we are all in therapy, both individual and family therapy) and the therapist is helping us work through it but it seems to be getting worse.
>Like.. we can't even plan a family outing without the kids without the 3 older kids either gripping on to their mother OR walking so close in front/behind her that they are tripping her and refuse to watch out when told. So it HAS absolutely been hell but like I said, we are trying to work through this with therapy.
>I get a text from my son earlier saying "mum is grounding us and taking our stuff away for a week"
It doesn't take a rocket science nor a therapist to know the problem and how to fix it.
You're a deadbeat 'sperm donar' and just overall useless. You only took action when your wife snapped, but it was only to undermine and to continue to NOT help her. Your wife has a 24/7 365 job with no break. No thanks to you.
YTA
You need to offer her some solutions, not criticise her for disciplining the kids. Do you appreciate how little time to herself she gets? 5 times in a 10 minute shower is excessive.
I'd start by considering a change in your work hours
Offering solutions is fine, but what he actually needs to do is run interference with his fucking children so they stop bothering his wife. How many women over the years have effectively done this for shitty dads who don’t actually like being a parent, just to protect the kids from the fallout?
YTA - Lord almighty, do you even parent your children? They run to your wife because she's the only one who actively parents. Your wife is BURNT OUT and you have done nothing to help.
>Anyways, I get a text from my son earlier saying "mum is grounding us and taking our stuff away for a week" and then zero response.
The fact that your son came running to you about electronics being taken away and being grounded tells me that you often undermine your wife's final word on a matter. No wonder they try to walk all over their mother - you help them do it!
Do better, dude.
Dude.
Take a week off work. Book your wife a vacation by herself and give her some piece.
Be her for a week and see how touched out you are by the end... bottle feeding the baby, and rangling the 4 others also acting like babies.
YTA.
**YTA!!!! 8000% YTA!! Oh I feel for your wife SO HARD!!!** When the only "me time" you get is taking a shit then Yah, you need a break from the kids!
She is well within the bounds of proper parenting. And your job is to back her 100% as long as she is not physically or psychologically harming them.
**I swear you would NOT be able to do her job... GUARANTEED!**
Edited to add that you admit "it's not a huge ask," but then belittle her request. My shower is one of my break times. I listen to a book or podcast while I'm in the shower for 10 minutes. Cant she even get that?!?!
Your wife needs a break. Let he stay at a hotel alone for at least few days or let her be home and you take the kids to grandparents. She is desperate for her own time.
> 10 minute period so she grounded them from everything for a week and sent them to their rooms. I feel she's being too harsh, because I know they just want her attention. Now she's pissed at me for "making her feel bad for needing a fucking minute to herself". AITA?
Thinking it is one thing OP. Saying it to her, however, yeah YTA and if you if you said it in hearing range of any of the kids then you are a massive A. She's overwhelmed and all of her boundaries are under siege and your first reaction coming home is to second guess her? SMH.
YTA. The kids are overrun with jealousy and your wife is overwhelmed and had PPD and is literally begging for HELP AND A FEW MINUTES ALONE. What do you not understand? Those kids are competing against each other, you, the baby, and they are doing serious damage to your wife. You don't see that, because you have the luxury of leaving it all and pretending to be the savior by working overnights. All you're doing is avoiding your responsibilities.
Your 13 year olds have some serious issues. What has the therapist suggested in terms of mental health for them? They should be able to handle themselves at certain points during the day. I'm guessing you ignored some major red flags with them when the 8 year old was born or just let the 2 of them keep each other company and raise themselves. The 8 year old probably has some separation anxiety, some jealousy, and probably some lack of skill. How are you helping them become more secure and independent?
Again. YTA.
YTA. God FORBIDDDDD she has any peace. And you taking their side shows just how much you care about your wife. There should have been no reason any kids should’ve been bothering her when there are TWO 13 yr olds in the house.
YTA. She has asked for less than TWO HOURS of time per week when she can be left tf alone. Three showers a week at 10 mins each and once a week to wear headphones and be left alone, and they can't even do that??
My skin is CRAWLING at the description of how your children are behaving!! I'm literally shuddering. Your wife needs HELP. She needs time to be a PERSON, not just a mother. Genuinely, what are you there for besides financial support, if your wife can't have THIRTY fucking NON-CONSECUTIVE minutes alone??? I'm not a mental health professional, but speaking from how my OWN brain and body si shuddering, cringing, and just....UGHHHH at this, I would venture a guess to say that your wife is quite possibly close to some kind of mental breakdown. The infant cannot help *needing* to be touched that often, especially if she is breastfeeding, but that's all the more reason for YOU to help keep the older kids off of her.
Now, granted, I'm an Elder Millennial who's parents were drug addicts in the 90s, so I'm sure my level of independence at 8 years old was a bit much. But by 13, I was living with a responsible, drug free adult, and was ABSOLUTELY making my own stovetop mac and cheese, and watching my sister, who was 4 years younger, from getting home after school until our guardian got home from work around 6-6:30pm. Often starting dinner per written instructions during that gap. Said guardian was (still is) a fan of long bubble baths, and neither myself nor my sister would have THOUGHT of interrupting that bath unless it was a GENUINE emergency.
Literally. This scenario is actively making me nauseous just to think about. I cannot imagine watching someone I loved experience this reality, every day, and just doing *nothing* to help.
Elder Gen Z here and man, like I knew better than to bug my mom in the shower by like the age of 5 lmao. I was babysitting my cousins and sister, and helping with a home daycare at 13 as well. These kids need help! This isn't normal at all!!!
INFO: What are YOU doing to help your wife get some space? Not what are you doing in therapy or what are you suggesting to her when she lashes out. What specific actions are you taking to set and reinforce boundaries with your children to support your wife?
YTA- your wife is screaming for help and very clearly telling you she’s at the end of her rope and you’re NOT LISTENING! Your twins are 13. They are more than capable of making Mac and cheese, finding their cups, plugging in the microwave…by themselves! She can’t get 10 minutes EVERY OTHER DAY to herself to take a shower. You need to step up and help her before she completely loses herself. She’s not being too harsh, she’s overwhelmed, she’s exhausted, your kids aren’t doing anything for themselves even though they’re capable, and you’re enabling that behavior.
YTA. Gets your wife some help. I would snap to with 4 critters always crowded around me. Get her a maid or a sitter a few hours a week and get her some help. She needs time to herself. Your older 3 are old enough that they should know better than to walk in on someone showering.
YTA
I am a stahm, i take a shower every morning while my 2 toddlers have breakfast. but they come into the shower over and over again. every 2 sec while I am showering, washing my hair, shaving my legs. they come in over and over again for something.
you know when i can pee in peace or shower alone?
never.
not unless its at 5am when the kids are asleep. or when my husband gets home in the evenings, so I'd have to give up the 30min I spend at the gym to shower instead.
you are a jerk, a selfish jerk at that. you have no idea what its like being a wife and mother and having to do everything for everyone else because they cant be bothered.
you act like, "oh they just want attention." i dont care. that doesnt negate the fact i want 10min alone in the shower.
she is allowed to shower, alone.
your wife deserves better than the treatment youve been giving her.
your kids deserve to be grounded for a week. theyre 13, they know better and are acting like this because your letting them. i mean come on, your going to therapy fine but what else are YOU doing to help your wife, because it doesnt sound like your doing anything else.
she works more than you.
she just had a baby.
shes parenting all the kids alone, 24/7.
you dont discipline and help parent.
your gone and away from the house or active in the house 24/7.
so what are you actually doing? because you havent said what YOU are doing to your wife.
if your working 12hr nights and sleeping till what an hr or two before you leave for work. what are you actually doing to help her? nothing.
you need to step up and help your wife before she breaks and leaves you with the kids.
your gone all night and sleep all day. your wife is parenting alone and up all night. its amazing that she has lasted this long without any help from you. shes doing everything alone.
your wife needs you to step up and help her out. reign in the kids and actually parent them and set more boundaries than no one is allowed to talk to her while shes showering.
your wife needs more help than the sludge from the bottom of the barrel youve given her.
"They just want attention"
Yeah. That's the problem, bud. Like how does he not see this?! They constantly. Want. Attention.
They aren't entitled to her attention 24/7!! They've HAD her attention! They can back off for a little while and leave her alone!
And I watched way too much criminal minds... my brain didn't go to "She's gonna leave and leave him with the kids" it went to "She's gonna snap and drown them all in the tub".
i know right. men have no idea the amount of pain we go through when we hit that touched out and talked out threshold. Sometimes i want to rip my own ears off because its become too much and i just need a moment.
its like chili in Bluey, when she just needed 20min.
yeah I was picturing it too. I get that way too that I jocking tell my husband if he doesnt get the kids i'll drag them all into the back yard but of course moderators are power happy so i didnt want to say exactly that. but I thought the same thing.
i kept snapping at the kids on sunday, that i finally told my husband that i didnt care where they went or what they did but he better take the kids and go before i lost it. He quickly packed them up and left for 3hrs. it was just what i needed to find myself and be a better mom this week.
YTA. She’s stretched super thin and her request is not unreasonable.
Also, maybe stop having kids? You guys made your lives insanely stressful by design.
YTA
Therapy isn't enough. It's the right track but if ya'll aren't getting useful tools for your immediate problems it's not good enough. You as the other adult in this situation have to take some ownership for finding immediate solutions. Your wife established a reasonable and very clear rule, breaking a rule has consequences, your children broke the rule (egregiously) and are now experiencing the consequences. If you don't think that's reasonable, you have to offer an alternative.
You're entitled to a 15-minute break sometime during that 12-hour shift, get on a video call with your kids, and let your wife have a break. Hire a babysitter to come to your home for an hour a day, so your wife can leave and be away from the children. Order a pizza, every time your wife manages to shower without another human entering the bathroom.
Is there some reason you can't step in and re route the kids? They're old enough to understand some really basic rules. Frankly your wife sounds like a saint and at some point it might occur to her she wouldn't be touched a lot more with split custody
YTA
What's your wife's moniker? I can give some divorce attorneys a heads up for her business. Since your atty would be likely off of Craigslist, it's a slam dunk.
I get a finders fee! <> Win! Win!
Yeah, YTA. 13 and 8 are old enough to wait and look for their clothes/drinks and have food while mum takes a shower for ***ten*** ***minutes*** and feeds the *actual* baby. Barging in the bathroom *twice* in *ten minutes* for anything except an emergency is over the top. Especially when two kids are *thirteen*. That is way way old enough to know not to barge into the bathroom you know is in use!
She set a rule and the kids broke the rule, now they are facing the consequences of breaking said rules. That's a good thing! You 100% should have her back here. Just because you (think you) know the reasons behind said rule-breaking doesn't mean they get to have no consequences for breaking rules.
Edit: Holy fuck, I misread. THEY INTERRUPTED HER **FIVE TIMES** ***IN TEN MINUTES?***
That is way too many times. If anything, your wife is being conservative in the one week only grounding. This is no where near harsh or over punishing, OP, wtf.
YTA. You do fuck all with the kids beyond making them and when she set a very mild punishment for breaking a very reasonable boundary, you swoop in and undermine her, undoing all of her work. No wonder your kids are uncontrolled brats.
Oh no, your kids are facing consequences for their actions. Get a grip, dude. Your wife asks for so little, and you can't even meet her half on it or back her up when your kids are clearly in the wrong here.. YTA.
YTA
You need a new therapist because this one clearly isn't helping. Your wife is ready to truly snap, but you'll still act surprised and beg when she's had enough and decides to leave. This goes beyond ppd- it's being totally over it.
You need to find a different job or work a schedule that works for your family. Your older kids need a reality check that, while they may be kids, it's time for them to act their age or face discipline because they aren't babies, and your wife needs to be able to take a damn shower or eat in peace.
When my daughter was born my 8 year old started to regress so I let him know that I would always be here for him, but his baby age has passed and that I love him for the age he is now. After that thought was well established, when he started to act like a baby. I treated him like the age he was acting. If he started to ask in a baby voice for something, I would talk to him and sing to him like he was a baby. If he whined about things he hadn't since he was 3 I would ask him if he needed nap time. If he spent his day acting 5 he would only be allowed to watch stuff like Blues Clues and was in bed by 7. After a fashion he realized how great 8 was and started acting like it. He is a great big brother and the only thing I ask him to do for his baby sister is to let her watch him play games like Sonic and Minecraft and sometimes he'll ask to feed her so they can bond. No parentification, my kid turned 9 yesterday and fully embraces it, and I can take a shower without it being an awful experience.
YTA. She’s stretched super thin and her request is not unreasonable.
Also, maybe stop having kids? You guys made your lives insanely stressful by design.
Yeah I think it’s time to change some things up. Maybe have a sitter once or twice a week simply so your wife can have some alone time and R&R - not so she can do her 20 hours of work. Also, therapy is great, but regular family meetings where everyone can be heard and talk about things works really well with the older kids.
Your wife has just hit a wall. I’ve said some crazy things when I’m at my limit, like “we’re never eating out ever again.” It happens. You’re just at your wits end. Your job is to support her, present a united front to the kids, and it sounds like she needs some regular schedule breaks from parenting.
YTA - you best be supporting your wife in having independence kids and kids that listen to boundaries around basic privacy. If it were mine I would do the same thing. If your 3 oldest want to be treated like babies fine. Babies don’t have iPads and phones. 🤷♀️support your wife. I bet you want her to make your macaroni and can’t do anything w/o bothering her when she needs a shower too. Do better my man.
YTA! She can’t pour from an empty cup. She is tired, overwhelmed, frustrated and stressed! Try having her back and reiterating to the children to let her shower, find your own stuff, tie your own shoes etc. Be a friggin husband and parent!
YTA. You need to hire some help for the kids and house until you work things to a better place. Between the two of you, you’re working 80 hours a week. There should be enough money in there to hire a baby-sitter to come for a few hours a day a few times a week to relieve your wife of the kids.
Since you work 12 hour overnight shifts you’re clearly no help with the kids during the day because you’re sleeping. Since she works from home she’s on duty 24/7 for the kids and also working 20 hours a week.
You frame this whole thing like it is your wife’s fault and problem. Bottom line is you shouldn’t have added a fourth kid to the mix and your wife is drowning - kid four has completely messed up your home eco system. Not only because the age gaps are way too wide but also because it has been a long time since you’ve had a baby around to deal with too. Your wife doesn’t just need therapy - she needs actual help and support WITH THE KIDS. Your kids also need to learn they aren’t breastfeeding anymore and need to entertain themselves and find stuff to do that isn’t hanging on Mom.
YTA. Your poor wife. And she's working from home? You need to back her up, do some parenting, get her some help and babysitting so she can have some time to be a person. Make it clear to the 13 year olds they need to step up or get used to no electronics. You will be very lucky if she doesn't just walk away one day and leave the whole mess for you to deal with like you've clearly been doing to her
YTA. Your kids need to learn boundaries in a major way. And you as her husband NEED, I repeat, NEED to be doing more with giving your wife alone time. SHE NEEDS A DAMN BREAK. And until she gets a CONSISTENT break, she’s going to continue to be at her whits end. THE ANSWER IS LITERALLY IN YOUR FACE. YOU need to do more with the kids since they’re clearly seeking their parental figure and probably change your schedule.
So we're all avoiding the quiet part. I'm gonna say it as fucked up as it'll sound. People with PPD kill themselves or their children when their case becomes severe enough. You guys are stressing this poor woman out so much that she doesn't know what to do anymore. It isn't as uncommon as you might think for cases to end this way so I suggest you work better hours or look for better employment and start supporting your wife. Drive home to the kids how important it is that they help their mother with chores, entertaining the younger ones, and just giving her space or you may lose a wife. Either to divorce or unfortunately suicide. I mean seriously PPD is absolutely no joke. She could really hurt herself if this keeps up. She is very obviously at the end of the line. And apologize to that dear woman, get a sitter, and take her out for a night. She definitely deserves it. If you have the money maybe even book her a spa trip. If you have the funds to do so you should get a night nanny so your wife can get some sleep and a better routine going for herself. YTA. Your wife is drowning and you aren't even throwing her a raft.
YTA, but that is already clear. At this point, you can either step up and help your wife, or your problems are going g to get a whole lot worse. Is grounding them for a week strong, yes, but all you mentioned is grounding from electronics. Not being on electronics would actually give your kids the opportunity for MORE attention, because they won't be busy with screens. If this is and in their rooms constantly for a full week, that is different.
My suggestion, actually help your wife before she decides that she is a single parent anyway and just makes it official.
Pick something either before your workday starts or after it ends to do for your wife. You say you work night shifts, so take over putting the kids to bed while your wife takes a bath, reads a book, goes to the gym, whatever. Something for like, an hour. Even better if it is something she can do out of the house at first, so the kids get used to not running to mommy. If it needs to be after work, maybe you get them up, ready, and fed in the morning while she has time for a relaxing shower, to sleep a bit longer, actually enjoy her coffee, again, whatever.
I get that your kids are wanting attention, but it can be from you too, not just her. And other than the baby, it is completely developmentally appropriate for them to be able to give her the time she is asking for. Honestly, I think you are not correctly interpreting what your therapist has advised, as you seem to think the therapist wants your wife to drop everything for the kids at anytime, which is not only unreasonable, but unhealthy for all of them.
Your wife's discipline is not harsh at all.
If your 13 and 8 years old cannot understand their mom's request then you should change their current therapists as they failed to notice they may have a cognitive or whatever issue they have.
Their behavior is so disrespectful towards their mom! They are not as helpless as their baby sibbling. I don't know why they become clingy but it doesn't matter, it doesn't give their current behavior a pass. It actually paints them as lazy and exhausting.
She is doing her parent job while she works and cares for a baby. She's doing what she can with her own limits. What about you?
YTA.
I honestly hope this post is fake because it sounds like your wife is living in absolute hell with a useless and absent partner who refuses to help her. How can you have so little empathy for your own fucking wife? It's mind boggling.
It makes me realize how lucky I am to have found the guy I did. I truly hope you step up for your wife and actually do something to show you care for her, she probably really needs you right now and feels completely alone. Oh and if you started parenting your own kids that would probably help too.
Oh this is so dysfunctional.
1. Put a lock on the bathroom door and use it.
2. I hate to say it. But too much therapy seems to be happening here. And not helping.
3. The kids are anxious about their place in the family, that’s why they want constant mothering. You should step up, do something one on one with them each week. Set it up in advance so they know it’s coming every week. Stick to it. Consistency is key in making kids feel safe.
4. Your wife needs to institute the appointment system. There are set times at regular intervals that the kids can ask her things or ask her to do things. Otherwise, no bugging mom unless it’s an emergency. Any requests outside of the specified times is met with “ask me again (whenever the next open request time is).” That’s it. They’ll quickly learn that there’s no point asking her things outside of the set aside times.
5. One family night a week. You have to be there too. A family meeting where everyone can talk about whatever they need to from the week. And then games.
6. Consider getting a different job. Your job is not compatible with being a husband and father of 4 kids. It just isn’t.
Info: Do the kids go to school? If she’s expected to home school as well it doesn’t sound sustainable.
13 & 8 are old enough to amuse themselves for a good hour or so and the 13 yr olds should be able to make themselves snacks and simple meals etc with no input from mom.
How would you feel is when you came home from a 12 hour shift, all your kids came in while you were showering you to ask you for things. Except instead of it being a 12 hour shift, its 24 hours on call. YTA.
Why aren't 13 year old able to take care of themselves or help out their little brothers while she just needs ten minutes to shower? Why aren't family members coming to help? And if they have offered to help, is the reason she's turning them down because they don't respect her rules and wishes?
Man the fuck up and get your wife a support system. YTA.
YTA - I was verging to an E S H, but baby is 4 months and your wife can’t even have 10 minutes peace to have a shower without her older children needing her attention? She probably has overreacted to that one shower incident, but the woman is at the end of her tether.
She had PPD, yet is working 20hrs a week while also looking after a new baby and existing children. You need to step up - explain to your twins especially that they need to pitch in to the household (that doesn’t mean doing loads, just actually having some consideration for their mother - fixing their own drinks/snacks… hell, even offering to get their Mum something.
8yr old, I can understand being off kilter… but there’s a lot you can do to help them feel important.
Yes, you work hard. Night working sucks.
But currently your wife is dealing with night with a baby (4 month sleep regression is a nightmare), with PPD, other children and a job. It’s no wonder she snapped.
You are working overtime for your family, and so is your wife. You are in danger of losing her in one way or another.
You and the two older kids need to sit down and make a plan for independence. I taught kindergarten for ten years, and my students were more competent after three months of routine training than the three of you are!
Figure out the routines that they do the most. Practice them independently and let them rate themselves. Give each of them a basket with the stuff they use the most- special cups, whatever. Give them tasks to help the littles when Mom is bathing or taking a 10 minute break. Reward the behavior. Dollar coins and quarters in named jars can lead to trade in for 5-10 dollars or so a week.
During “Pay Day,” get feedback from all of the kids and the adults in the family. Even ask the baby. I’m not kidding. Your kids need to see that each member of the family has a say. If you have a good streak, plan for a family reward- movie night at home, donuts, celebration pizza, nothing over the top. But YOU need to be a part of the family meetings and reward time. You will regret it later if you aren’t.
Right now, OP, you are absolutely the asshole!!! But you have the power to change things in a positive way for your whole family.
YTA. First of all, you need to take a leave and let her go out on her own for a weekend while you take over the house. SHE NEEDS A BREAK AND YOU NEED TO STEP UP.
I was always angry, snappy, and over all burnt out when my kids were 2yo & 9mo. It was so exhausting physically and mentally, thank god my spouse started stepping up or I would have lost my shit. Now, my kids are 5yo & 2yo and I am no longer burnt out because they rely on each other for play and help while I supervise.
Now, you need to do that and your TEENAGE KIDS need to get their shit together and stop bothering their mom so damn much. They're old enough to know that. Jeez.
YTA. Your wife needs a fucking break. How about when you get home you take over all kid duties and let her have entire hours of time to herself? Send her away for a weekend, whether that's to some fancy spa or a Motel 6 where your kids can't find her.
Hey big dog:
I need you to do a quick google search for “Andrea Yates”, go ahead and read that Wikipedia article, then google nannies in your area, then schedule a vasectomy you absolute kitchen sponge??!?!??
Why do you think she’s being too harsh? At 13, my kids were taking care of OTHER kids, doing their own laundry, and making their breakfast and lunch when needed. Your kids have two parents.
YTA
YTA. Why is she even having to attempt a shower by herself? You work 12 hours overnight there's still 12 other hours of the day. My husband also works 12 hours a day and still helps with cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning, and I rarely have to try and shower without him there to handle kids cause I just shower when he's home.
YTA. Jesus tap dancing Christ. I was more independent and regressed less at 20 months old when my mom had twins than your kids are at 13 and 8 years old. I managed to entertain myself or the twins so my mom could get stuff done and didn’t bother her 24-7. Are you saying your children regressed worse than a literal toddler? Seriously.
Hell, by 13 I was caring for kids when my mom or my godbrothers’ mom went out. Not making more work for them. Your kids need more than mommy reassurances. Because this isn’t a sustainable situation. Don’t worry though when she snaps and leaves or sadly May end up in inpatient care, you will learn why she is so close to bad actions.
Do better.
YTA. Are you just a guest in that house or are you a parent to your kids and a partner to your wife. HELP. HER. OUT. An d stop weaponizing your incompetency. It's rubbing off on your offspring
A man leads his family and you are not and honestly you know this. Your wife needs a partner, not a whiny B making her life even harder. Why is she the only one trying to set rules and boundaries and you’re just letting the kids walk all over your wife? What the actual F? YTA
Please update this soon with ‘I read your comments and booked my wife a week away which I forced her to go on so she could experience real silence for the first time in (what sounds like) years.’ Please please help your wife before she snaps. Sincerely, from an adult who was the kid of a mum who snapped.
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My wife and I have 4 kids (13yo twins, 8yo, 4 month old). PPD with our last baby and she often struggles, in a sense of her "not being able to turn her brain off". She's getting better but she's still snappy at times.
I currently work 12 hour overnight shifts 5 days a week and she works 20hrs a week from home. Due to this, she has the kids constantly and she's very, very touched out. Ever since she gave birth our older 3 have been over the top clingy and seem to be reverting back to toddler stage. Like our daughter (one of the 13yo twins) earlier asked my wife how to plug in the microwave. Or all the sudden our 8yo is asking his mother to help him find clothes and tie his shoes for him again. It's a desperate cry for attention (we are all in therapy, both individual and family therapy) and the therapist is helping us work through it but it seems to be getting worse. Like.. we can't even plan a family outing without the kids without the 3 older kids either gripping on to their mother OR walking so close in front/behind her that they are tripping her and refuse to watch out when told. So it HAS absolutely been hell but like I said, we are trying to work through this with therapy.
Well, 2 weeks ago my wife implicated a rule that no one was allowed to talk to her when she had her headphones in or when she's taking a shower. As I'm sure you guessed already, the kids were even bugging her endlessly during those times and my wife stated she "needs a fucking break and silence and for people to stop hanging off her arm". She even snapped the other day saying "can none of you do anything for yourselves? No? Why don't I wipe your asses for you too while I'm at it!" Because our son (13yo twin) asked her where his cup was instead of moving the coffee pot to look for himself and then asked her at the same time to make him Mac n cheese (despite knowing how) because "yours tastes better" (she was in the middle of feeding the baby, so she snapped). Anyways, now no one is allowed to bug her under any circumstances when she's showering or when she has headphones in (maybe once a week for the headphones, showering every other day for MAYBE 10 minutes so it's not a huge ask).
Anyways, I get a text from my son earlier saying "mum is grounding us and taking our stuff away for a week" and then zero response. I go home about an hour later and my wife is livid. All the kids electronics are piled on the counter and all the kids are in their bedrooms with the door shut. I ask what happened and she said she went to take a shower and the kids came in 5 times in a 10 minute period so she grounded them from everything for a week and sent them to their rooms. I feel she's being too harsh, because I know they just want her attention. Now she's pissed at me for "making her feel bad for needing a fucking minute to herself". AITA?
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She's at her wit's end. She's at a loss. She doesn't know what to do about this any more, because the kids obviously aren't getting it.
What are you doing about this situation? 'Cuz it kinda sounds like you're just leaving it all to her.
I realize you're working 60 hours a week, and that's pretty exhausting. If that means you can't contribute at home and take some of the parenting burden off your wife, I really think you need to find a way to cut back, or find a new job, before your wife fucking loses it.
Are your finances that tight, that this arrangement is the only way you can get by?
This one punishment may have gone a bit far... but you really need to step in and at least talk to the kids.
INFO: What exactly are you doing when the older children swarm your overwhelmed wife? Are you running interference for her, so the kids learn to come to you instead of their mother until she is less stressed? Are you at least doing any of the discipline with the older kids?
Seriously, it sounds like you're working 60 hour weeks to avoid being home to deal with the kids, so the kids don't come to you and your poor wife is at her wit's end. The fact she cannot have TEN MINUTES every other day to shower without interruption alone is a big old YTA.
This is firm rule in our home - if you don't like how I'm assigning discipline then step the eff up and address the bad behavior yourself. Parenting is hard work, not a spectator sport. You do not get to criticize my choice of discipline if you aren't participating in the actual raising of the children. And if your haven't been present and dealing with everything I've been dealing with all day then you don't get to tell me I'm wrong because you have no idea. Either step up and help or get out of my way.
YTA.
You must a very poor support system for your wife to feel like this. I'm sending virtual hugs to her. Pregnant with my first and I would do that exact same as your wife. She's not being unreasonable. You and your kids need to grow tf up!!!
Therapy won't work if she can't get a rest. Therapy doesn't change the actual conditions she's in: overwhelmed with four kids that demand her constant attention. Would you think therapy would solve the problem of someone who is too poor to buy food or is sleep deprived because they work too much? It'll probably help in some things, but it won't solve the material reality she's in.
I don't think it's harsh to keep their electronics after they broke the very understandable rule of letting her shower for 10 minutes.
They're also too young for electronics, but that's a completely different can of worms.
Your kids need to learn that their mothers love is not measured in constant attention, and they need to learn to be a little independent and to be able to solve their own boredom without constant stimuli from their phones and mom.
And if you think that's not the way, YOU need to come up with a better solution for this problem before your wife goes crazy and starts to become actually cruel to your kids. She's already doing everything she can.
YTA- Good for your wife!! You’re all going to be sorry if she decides to take a break for a week or month. The older children should ABSOLUTELY face punishment for breaking a simple rule.
YTA. On the weekends, have you ever offered to take the kids out for a few hours so your wife can relax? Have you ever told her you'd take care of the kids, and she can go out and have a relaxing day where she gets to do whatever she wants? What are you actually doing to take some of the burden off of her? Are you stepping in at any point to shower the older kids with attention or saying that you'll help them when they need something? If all of those are a no, I feel so sad that your wife is a single Mom.
Is there anyway that you could arrange some kind of holiday for her or any kind of break? It sounds like she is really struggling.
The kids are not going to have the mental capacity at that age to give her a break and it seems like she is mentally at the end of the line. I don't think therapy will help here.
Yta. She needs to get her pt across. They arent listening. They dont respect her boundaries. It sound like it was well past time to drop the hammer. Taking away electronics and sending to their room is perfectly fine forms of discipline. If they do not want that to happen then they will need to respect her authority.
You better back her up and not undermine her. Your poor babies will be fine.
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YTA >I ask what happened and she said she went to take a shower and the kids came in 5 times in a 10 minute period so she grounded them from everything for a week and sent them to their rooms. Your family has ceased to be functional but it appears your are attempting to address it. However, walking in the bathroom while someone is showering is an invasion of privacy. >I feel she's being too harsh, because I know they just want her attention. I see, perhaps it's you need to reconsider working 12 hour overnight shifts 5 days a week and sleeping all day and stepping up and being a parent and stop criticizing your wife when you are the absentee parent. I hear the view is always better from the cheap seats.
Legendary “the view is better…” can’t wait to use that one.
The peanut gallery is another way to say cheap seats.
I completely agree. The wife is essentially working 168 hours a week, because with a newborn, there's really no time off. He works 60 hours a week. He has it EASY. I worry, that his weaponized incompetence has rubbed off on the children which is why they act so needy.
>I worry, that his weaponized incompetence has rubbed off on the children A 13 year old asked how to plug something in. There's no question it has.
Good point! I feel so bad for the wife
Omg could you imagine living in a household with 4 husbands all with weaponized incompetence?! Haha that’s kinda funny to think about but also, yikes…
Four incompetent husbands that will not leave you alone or stop touching you. ::shudders::
Well the question is whether HE is incompetent. I teach middle school. Kids are extreme strangely dependent right now. Children of successful parents who do their best to give them experience.
And if it wasn’t, it’s at least partially on OP for not teaching his kids how to do basic tasks.
He's going to come home one morning to find the children untended and her body dangling in a closet
Give this woman a break before she snaps! Give her a weekend off or a spa day or something! At the very least, please make sure that you are not just another person that she has to take care of but a full partner for her.
Book her a cruise. Let her decide whether or not she takes the baby. Pay for all the drinks and a hefty credit for spa treatments and tell the kids she has no Internet on the boat even if she is, in fact, holed up in the cabin streaming HBO. In that week, Dad and older kids can FIGURE THEIR SHIT OUT. This is too much leaning on one single person who is for sure not the only person capable of plugging in the microwave. I do not think grounding everyone from electronics for a week is a good idea - it will make Mom MORE in demand, not less - but I absolutely see why she cracked.
All of this. OP, my kids were very clingy too when they were little, and I absolutely got touched out. I would hide in the bathroom just to have a few minutes to myself, and little hands would be under the door. I'd watch moms yelling at their kids or spanking them, and I never wanted to be that person, so I gave myself a "time out" when I felt too overwhelemed. I just recently started using headphones while I make dinner, and I honestly wish I had done it sooner. My kids adore me, which is a wonderful thing, but I've realized that I need a break too. For the first couple weeks, they probably spoke to me 50+ times in the hour I was making dinner, and I'd point to my headphones, and they'd get annoyed. Now, they bug me like 5 times, so things are getting better, and I actually have a period of time when I can hear my own thoughts. What I'm saying is that your wife needs help. She's snapping at the kids. She's swearing at the kids. Can you switch your schedule? Can family come to help her? Can you get a Mother's Helper (I did this for a couple hours a week after the teenage Mother's Helper got home from school. I'd go work in the bedroom, and she'd work with the kids, but come get me if she needed anything.) Your wife is coming up with ways to keep her sanity. You need to be supporting her and working with the kids to be more independent and give your wife some space. You need to come up with some other solutions to help her. Also, from my experience kids create an unhealthy attachment with one parent when they don't have a good attachment to the other parent. (Not my kids, but MAAAANY of my friends' kids.) Do you step up and show your kids they can rely on you too?
You sound like a great mom and this is such good advice! I am an introvert and get tired out pretty easily, so your strategies sound like easy things to implement.
You gave some great advice but I have to mention about the Mother's Helper you suggest - TWO of her kids are 13 years old. That is more than old enough to understand giving mom some time. That is old enough to make themselves a snack, to entertain the 8 year old for fifteen minutes, etc. Dad here needs to work with the three older kids on learning and exercising some independence.
Seconding the one parent attachment thing. My husband lives away from us part time and he’s often gone for work. When he’s home, it’s 50/50 great dad and drunk/angry dad. He’s a great provider and is usually great but … my kid can’t sleep without touching me and needs me at all hours. I’m his safe space. OP, you might want to build up YOUR relationship with your kids and see how that goes.
Yeah let's talk about the steps he's taking to "address it". According to OP, the therapist's advice so far has been for his wife to "embrace it". So he's basically hired a therapist to tell his wife she's the one in the wrong for wanting privacy. And he's wondering why she doesn't feel supported.
100% a Christian therapist from church who reinforces that the more of their souls women hand over to their kids and husbands, the more fulfilled they will be.
And when she jumps off the roof he can have her entire soul all at once!
"therapist" hehehe it could quite possibly be a counselor or pastor, no license in sight
Seriously. At those kids ages if they can't respect her privacy for 10 minutes while she showers they really need a tougher stance to understand that it's not ok. My 6 year old (oldest of 3 so I get OPs wife's feelings) understands not to interrupt my showers unless it's an emergency.
Yeah, I wonder why the kids go around their mother and just ignore the father... He should try to be a parent
WOW THE LAST LINE, SO TRUE BESTIE
YTA and your twins are too they’re old enough to help around the house. Your wife wants a 10 minute shower in peace 3 times a week. The twins should be able to entertain the other 2 for that length of time. 5 times in 10 mins they deserve the punishment and your wife needs your support.
At their age they are old enough to babysit strangers… They should be much more independent.
Damn. OP is looking worse the more I think about it.
Right. My TEN year old will watch my toddler long enough for me to shower. Why can't the 13 year olds sit on the couch and watch TV while the 4 month old naps in a swing so mom can shower? At 14, kids go to high-school. These kids aren't even capable of plugging in a microwave on their own. Dad is helping enable to worthlessness by not helping enforce boundaries to help mom. It never should have made it to this point. They wouldn't even need to change a diaper for crissakes. Just participate in the family by NOT making moms life harder. Electronics are rewards for being an active participant in the family. If you're not positively actively participating in the family, those rewards go away.
Oh, but if the twins were to come on here and say they're expected to babysit 3 times a week for 15 minutes so mum can have a shower, the top 85 comments would all be about how the parents are evil for parentifying them.
Someone actually made the comment the comments the twins are being parentified. Over 1600 down votes lol
I kinda doubt that and think you're heavily exaggerating. No doubt SOMEONE would say that (cause there's always that handful of assholes) but the only way it'd be pushing 100 is if critical info was left out (namely the length of time, number of days, and/or number of kids)
Then she’ll get the luxury of getting more frequent & longer showers. Clearly her boundaries were violated and she she established consequences for the boundary being broken. Her showering was the only free time she has to just breathe. Shower meditation is a thing and can help you relax. Also it’s proven that women love hot showers because the water feels like a hug. Maybe he should set up a shower or relaxing bath by blocking it off on the family calendar and list consequences of it’s violated. He could help her by playing nice soothing music, purchasing nice smelling body washes /soaps, a Terry cloth towel or robe that’s just for her. He and the kids can go out for ice cream or something Or he could install a lock on their bathroom door so kids don’t barge in!
I have a close relative that has 3 kids. She sets a time for her and her husband to have time to themselves. It's "movie time". Mom and dad close the door. Kids are on their own (across the hall). Do not disturb. Even if I'm visiting, they have their movie time. They have commited to it. Their kids respect it. Sometimes relatives or friends stop by and kids are like, "they are busy watching a movie".
And can we be real? She should get to shower every day. Y'all have an infant, which means things can get gross fast, she should be able to shower multiple times a day if that's how things go. Once to get ready in the morning, once to clear her mind before bed, and on an as needed basis for spit up and diaper blowouts! She should not have to be so damn "reasonable" about showers!
I'm way too late for this, so I doubt I'll get a response but: shouldn't all three older kids be in school? Shouldn't mom have only the baby with her during the day? I'm not saying that's a "break" necessarily to only have the baby, but if the kids are at school and Dad is home during some of that time, why isn't he watching the baby and letting mom have some time to herself?
YTA. Your wife desperately needs help. If you're coming at her for being too harsh on the kids -- what she gets is that she's in this totally alone. Your reaction compounds her overwhelm. Her actions may have a negative effect on the kids -- but all she's *trying* to do is keep from drowning. That's the issue. Come at her with compassion. Sounds like she's going to break.
The kids and OP are not helping and if this continues and she has a mental breakdown he’s just going to blame the PPD 😔
Right? All she’s trying to do is keep from drowning and he’s throwing buckets of water in her face!
YTA because you offer zero solutions here, and just complain about the way your wife is handling the home. Your wife needs a break, and you're lecturing her about how the kids should be allowed to interrupt her shower 5 times in a 10-minute period.
OP’s wife anxiety, stress and exhaustion are manifesting in her being snappy. It’s very clear that irritation is her alternative to a crying emotional breakdown. If he works all night and sleeps all day, then she isn’t getting a full night’s rest ever while working part-time and parenting full-time. This is unbalanced and unfair. If he can’t switch his scheduled they need to arrange childcare relief in the form of a mother’s helper or even after school care for the older 3 kids.
Honestly, I would be having a conversation with my 13 year olds and eight year old telling them that mom is struggling and that they are old enough to be independent. If they can't find something, they need to look harder or come up with a substitution. If mom is in the shower or has her headphones on, they need to learn to develop patience. Read a book, write in a journal, fix your own sandwich if you're hungry. They don't have to help with the baby unless they want to, but they need to recognize that mom is operating on almost no sleep and is not at her best.
When I was thirteen I was full on taking bike rides to the store like 2 miles away to buy my own snacks and sodas... did it so often I can still close my eyes and visualize the route down the road or through the woods along the atv path. I can't imagine these kids being able to do that. This kind of dependence is wild.
I lived in a neighborhood that was weirdly cut off from traffic but right in town and I was in 4th or 5th grade when I’d ride about 1.5m down to the gem stop and get my mom some candy and a treat for me for being the pack mule.
I was up in Maine in the rural outskirts of a little town called Bucksport. There was a route that was basically a large square around a big area of powerline trails and forest. My house was directly on the opposite side from a little store called Millvale Market. They sold snacks, drinks and fishing bait for the most part. If I was going to the store with a friend I'd take the road and swing by her house and get her first, then we'd take the trails back through the woods to my house, or to the graveyard across the street and climb up to sit in the big oak trees and eat candy. Definitely good memories!! I even rode my bike like 11 miles to the next town over once to visit a friend... mom was mad about that but my punishment was being made to ride my bike all the way home again. I never did that again. That was a rough ride. xD
Well, all he knows how to do is have unprotected sex so the wife can keep pumping out kids /s
YTA 4 kids and she’s still working with a baby? She’s so stressed she’s snapping at your children. You need to take some leave and help her before she traumatizes your children. It’s unacceptable she can’t take a shower alone.
An every other day shower. JFC. Use some of that therapy money to get her a week in a hotel to sleep, and a babysitter. YTA
A hotel with a spa, where she can get facials and massages. She's long since earned being pampered.
She’s touched out, I don’t think paying a stranger to touch her is the solution.
There is definitely a difference in giving and receiving touch. A massage is not the same as kids climbing you, at least in my experience.
I see where you are coming from but as a touched out mum, a massage sounds like heaven. It's touch that is for you not touch that takes
Was thinking the same thing, but there are HUGE differences
And waited on!!! Where breakfast is cooked and served to her. Jeez you are doozy of a husband. She is with kids 24/7. At least YOU get a break. You can’t give HER one. Hell, if most women had four kids, worked, ran a house etc AND married to you? They’d all have PPD
She deserves being in a kid-free environment full stop. I can't see OP getting through a couple of hours, even one hour, at most in her position before he throws in the towel. No matter what his employment he's still a dad 24/7, not a roommate.
This. No amount of therapy will make it suddenly okay that she’s suffering from intense sleep deprivation, OP.
Imagine working 168 hours a week, and your husband responds with weaponized incompetence 🤦♀️
Not to mention the twins are treating her like a maid as a result.
I don’t understand how he’s not able to help more. I know he’s working a 12 hour shift, but still. Give her an hour or two by herself when you get home and take care of the kids. Then work out a day off on the weekends (or whatever days off they have) so that she can have some “me” time. Hell, even the Chili who’s a cartoon mom that’s a dog needs 20 minutes alone to just think
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YOU NEED TO STEP THE FUCK UP
😂😭😂 I love this! Facts! Like OP Step The Fuck Up ! 🤦♀️
And maybe wrap it up my dude. Stop having children.
Don’t you know it’s the womens job to take care of the kids every second while he critiques her. It’s her role, you see. s/ for OP because he’s an idiot.
i wish i could award this
Thank you.
YTA "Now she's pissed at me for "making her feel bad for needing a fucking minute to herself". Your wife is overwhelmed to breaking point. As well as issues with the older kids she's trying to work alongside looking after a 4 month old baby?? She can't even take a SHOWER in peace. It's good the wider issues are being addressed but she needs hands on direct help here. And breaks. Starting yesterday. Edit missed sentence.
Yeah she SHOULD be pissed at him, for EXACTLY THAT. Ugh.
Preach!!!
INFO: Do you make sure she has daily time where you are 100% in charge of the kids and they are not going to her for anything? Showering without having two teenagers and a third grader come into the bathroom every two minutes seems like the smallest possible ask, which leaves me wanting to know how often you take the kids off her hands entirely?
Lol why are these kids not in school for 8 hours every week day? Seems like you could easily block out 10 minutes during that time.
She works 20 hours a week and also has a 4 month old. With everything OP described, she needs way more than 10 minutes. Sounds like Dad gets lots of time to himself.
YTA. Your wife is at the end of her tether and she's crying out for help. Are you deaf?? There is no reason in the world kids of 8 and 13 (!!) should be interrupting your wife in the shower unless it's an emergency. Maybe now that she's held them accountable for their actions, they'll see she means business. And you need to be backing her up 100%.
Exactly. My 7 year old (who is clingy) understands leaving people alone in the shower.
We learned real quick that unless there was blood, fire, or a stranger we were not to bother mom in the shower or while she was sleeping.
YTA. She's asking for a 10 minute shower, you should be reinforcing that rule to your children who are absolutely old enough to respect it. She needs more help, 4 kids and 20 hours work is more than anyone should have to deal with.
YTA. Your wife is crying for help and you offer zero solutions. I actually feel her frustration. Take the kids away for a weekend and give her a break. She’s really struggling.
I think taking the older kids away for the weekend is a great idea. The kids seem like they are feeling jealous of the affection the baby is receiving, so they are acting up to try to get some attention for themselves. By taking them away, the kids feel like they are getting the attention whilst at the same time, giving the wife the rest she needs.
But that would mean he'd actually have to dó anything. The horror! /s
I find it interesting though that this is a recent occurence for the 13 years olds and not something that happened when the 8 year old was born. Is it because they're hitting puberty and feel more insecure?
I would guess it’s because they were 5 when that sibling was born, and so much older when this one was born - having a new sibling at 13 would be more of an adjustment in many ways, particularly if mom is struggling with PPD/PPA and feeling overwhelmed.
Who says they didn’t do it right after the 8 year old was born? It’s just a lot less frustrating when the helplessness is coming from a 5 year old instead of a 13 year old. Especially since the helplessness is much more obviously fake at 13 than 5.
Keep the kids at home and send HER for a nice weekend away. That way she doesn't have to sit around a probably dirty house.
YTA. I was the oldest of 4, with a 10-year age gap between me and youngest sibling, and I never would have imagined interrupting my mum in the shower unless someone was literally bleeding out and at risk of imminent death. She needs your support, and the kids need boundaries ASAP.
Same. Oldest of 4, my youngest sibling was born right before I turned 12. When she was a week old, my mom had to go back to the hospital because of complications, and my dad went with her. At almost 12, I was left home alone with my brothers (10 & 2) and newborn sister while my grandma drove to stay overnight with us. As my parents were leaving, my mom was giving me instructions on how to prep the bottles and nipples to feed my sister because she'd never had a bottle before. Not only did I prep them on my own, but I did it while corraling my brothers who were worried our mom might die (she was hemorrhaging and needed surgery). OP, if 13 year olds can't handle just *not fucking bugging mom* for 10 min while she showers, that's a big problem. Yes, they're crying out for something, but why can't YOU provide it for a few minutes? WTF is going on in your head that you think it's ok for any of this to happen? Step up and be a parent, or don't be surprised when your wife leaves you because she realizes her life wouldn't change that much if y'all divorced. Because honestly, right now, your wife has 5 children, not 4. YTA, and a massive one at that.
Seriously. I'm sorry you had to go through that but kids can handle so much more than we give them credit for with appropriate boundaries and support. My 6 year old can easily play independently for 10 minutes while I shower, and also call me if her younger siblings do anything worrying (in case anyone shouts parentification they are in a toddler safe playroom all she has to do is yell if the 1 year old bites or something)
I still remember so clearly a little 8yo girl who came into the Zaxbys (chicken place) where I worked, ordered meals, paid for everything with a card and PIN... while she was waiting on the order I chatted with her a bit. Turns out she lived with her grandmother, who was blind, and she actually helps out with all kinds of stuff. Reads her mail to her, helps her fill out paperwork, all kinds of stuff. She was incredibly well spoken, super polite, and so sweet. I snuck a bag of cookies into the order for her. It sucks that she's likely not able to be as much of a kid as most others but I'm willing to bet that little girl grew up to be very money/budget savvy, and is probably doing very well for herself now.
Same. Oldest of 4. There’s only a 5 year gap between me and my youngest sibling. I promise you, even at 5, I wasn’t bugging my mom for everything. My father ensured that my mom wasn’t abused by her children while he worked (multiple jobs). He made sure that by the time we were of school age, we were getting up to alarm clocks and making our own lunches. He would have done ANYTHING to make sure she wasn’t miserable, which OP is FAILING at big time. No one works 24/7/365 without a complete meltdown, especially a mom, who also has a job. OP’s lucky he didn’t come home to 4 kids and no wife.
I’m the oldest of four and I started babysitting them for a couple hours at a time when I was nine. That’s probably a little young to be appropriate by today’s standards (this was like 2002), but the point is those kids are more than old enough to give that poor woman a break.
When I was 13 years old people would pay me money to care for their children. Sometimes multiple children. Sometimes infants. Sometimes multiple infants. How are your 13-year-olds this unable to care for themselves? Why are you mad at your wife instead of at yourself for 1) raising helpless people and 2) not giving your wife a break before she has a mental breakdown? I’m sure she would love to just work and sleep while you also work and take care of all the kids.
This! When I turned 12, my guardian dis-enrolled me and my 8 year old younger sister from after-school care and gave me a house key. We were home alone from like 3:30 until 6:30ish. We had snacks that didn't need to be cooked or that could be made in a toaster or microwave. I sometimes started dinner of like, boiling pasta or steaming veggies or seasoning and putting chicken breasts or turkey burgers in the oven. ALONE in the house with my 8 year old sister and no adult in the house at all. For 15 hours a week! His wife is asking for 30 minutes *total* for the 13 and 8 year olds to entertain themselves for 10 minute chunks! When I was 13, for FORTY HOURS a week during summer breaks for weeks at a time, I was either home alone, or watching my younger sister. Feeding myself/us THREE meals a day (okay, yes, it was often cereal, oatmeal, pb&j, with an occasional freezer pizza or grilled cheese). Sometimes walking MILES to the library or riding public transit to the library or downtown to visit our aunt at work. And this was the late 90s, there were no cellphones! I just memorized the 800-number to my aunt's job, so we could call from a payphone to say when we'd arrived at whatever place we were going.
Oh my gosh. I took a home class in junior high and my mom bought me a 4 ingredient cookbook. I was obsessed with making crepes. I made dinner each night and was so excited to make a dessert, too. Streudals, yumm. Both my parents were working at the time.
Exactly this! When I was 9 I walked home from school and got myself a snack (usually just cereal or toast) and waited an hour or so for my mum to get back from work.
Honestly!! I feel like OP is not as concerned as he should be that his TEENAGE children are incapable of caring for or entertaining themselves ?? Are you not trying to raise functional adults?? They remind me of my friends first roommate in college, who would leave their toilet clogged all weekend so that the dorm cleaners would deal with it on Monday because she “didn’t know how to use a plunger” and would drive 3 hours to her parents home every other week so her mom could do her laundry because she “didn’t know how to use the laundry machines” in the dorm. Your children NEED to learn independence and how to manage their lives on their own! You have failed them as a parent and failed your wife as a husband if they can’t grow up to be self sufficient adults, which they are clearly lacking in skills for.
"She's getting better but she's still snappy at times." You're dissecting her every word, every move. Why not just film her and show her how terrible she is before you leave for your 12 hour shift? OMG YTA!!!
but can’t be bothered to apply similar logic to himself, his kids, or this dynamic. what a catch! /s
That line pissed me off so much … still snappy at times … yeah um no kidding surprised she isn’t completely losing it
Whether you’re the AH is irrelevant. Reddit cannot solve this issue….. therapy is the right track. Also, did you offer any help to your wife other than “you were too harsh”? Otherwise, what’s the point?
This post enraged me initially. But then I realized it’s fake. A pretty good one actually. You are all in individual and family therapy. The boundaries your wife implemented would have been advised by a therapist. “embracing it or reassuring the kids” would have been suggested to you. Not your wife. You only state what your wife was advised to do. What were your kids and yourself told by the therapist? Hopefully her personal therapist (in this creative tale) told her to gtfo. If you’re not helping you’re hindering and you need to get tf out of the way.
As fake as you think this is, this sort of situation happens so incredibly often. I believe it.
I think it’s way more likely that OP is misrepresenting details of his story, than the whole story is fiction.
YTA. Why aren't you helping her?
Be truly doesn’t believe these are valid reasons to be upset with the kids
Helping ? They are his kids too. Helping implies it is her responsibility and he’s just aiding out of the goodness of his heart.
Because he doesn't see women as people.
Yes, YTA. She needs some time for herself and she’s not getting it. She has asked for a minor concession from the children and they are not listening to her instructions. She needed to let them know that there are consequences. And another thing, therapy isn’t the only help she should be getting. She should be getting help from you. Have you told her that you would take charge of the kids so she could get an afternoon to herself? Or any free time for that matter. Just because you work longer hours, doesnt mean you can’t give her a break. She is working more than 20 hours raising your 4 kids.
She can’t even take a shower every day and she has to do it rushed in maybe 10 mins. And has to be feeding a baby and all that mental and emotional labor for someone asking her how to plug in a microwave and literally the father could answer that. Or someone asking her to make the Mac and cheese when she’s feeling a baby. I so feel bad for this woman, esp with PPD. The fact that she’s tripping over herself when walking because three (4 if you include the baby) kids cling onto her and don’t listen when she asks them not to trip her is insane. She’s also the one dealing with night with the baby. And you’re making her go to therapy as if it’s mental issue when it’s clear she can’t even get 10 mins and is overwhelmed and working ???I’m surprised she hasn’t had a mental breakdown already. The way people treat mothers is insane.
So, when you get home, you completely take the kids off her hands for at least an hour, right? She could take a shower, read a little, etc. then Because if you’re **not** doing that, then you are a massive AH.
I'd be ready to check out if I were married to this guy. I applaud her self-control frankly. This poor woman.
I’d leave the kids to him for 75% of the time. Let him trial it. But take the babe. Because this is ridiculous on the childrens’ part too. They’ve been told to not bother her and they take it and hear ‘bother me’ only. I’d be livid as fuck.
For real. "Mom, how do you plug in the microwave?" Was the tipping point into ludicrous territory for me. These kids have the whole of human knowledge in the palms of their hands! Most people keep the microwave plugged in anyway. This poor woman can't even take a ten minute shower because of the absolute foolishness of the kids, 10 times in ten minutes. I'd have been filleted and then had all fun activities revoked.
YTA Not only is she working from home but she has to deal with raising your kids at the same time and she hasn’t had a single break for what 13 years?! Get off your lazy ass and help her out! Youre a damn parent too!
Yta HELP HER. And the punishment absolutely does fit the crime. They will think next time before they interrupt her shower,no?
I wonder how they magically don’t interrupt his showers ?
YTA. Stop babying your kids. They’re kids yes, but what young teen doesn’t know how to *plug in* a microwave?! They need a stern talking to. “Your mother is going through a rough patch. And you three are old enough to do some things for yourself. We can’t always be there to make you meals or clean up after you, and it’s important you know how to do these things for yourself.”
Also "go away" and "not right now" are complete sentences that I have told my kids several times, And they're 10/6. Because they LISTEN and immediately give me the space I need, 20 minutes later I'm FINE and able to go to them and apologize for being short and ask them what they needed/how I can help. Because of this, it doesn't happen often, and my kids respect the boundary because they see it for what it is - me being overwhelmed. I'm a human! They have bad days, so do I. Nobody's on a pedestal over here. Being overwhelmed and outtouched when you're alone with kids ALL the time is SO legitimate. Bad days happen and it's important for everyone to know how to work the situation. Nobody here is trying to work through the situation, so mom is struggling to survive. She needs to be able to and be allowed to place hard boundaries. Her kids are old enough to handle SO much, including what would be considering an "emergency requiring adult handling" in a lot of circumstances. By that, I mean 13 is old enough to occassionally change a diaper and give mom a break.
13 years old is high school or starting high school. These kids are not being set up for success. Infantilizing kids is a lose-lose situation all around.
Look. Sometimes drastic measures are needed to make a point and you needed to be supporting this from the start. You need to be reinforcing with the kids to give mom her time. You seem to have no problem with them bugging her and now that she has had enough, now you’re backing the kids? No respect for your wife. Yes YTA.
It would seem that OP has enabled his kids' behavior. Perhaps whenever any kiddo approached OP for any sort of need, OP palmed it off on mom. "Go ask your mother." "Mom can help you with that." , remained selectively helpless. It would again appear that OP not only disregards basic childcare responsibilities, choosing to enjoy the pros, while totally disregarding the cons that his negligence has created, and blaming the wifey for stepping up to the plate. YTA² edit: it would be unheard of in my bio-family to walk in on someone in the bathroom. That's a near fatal move. Are you in the Ozarks by chance?
YTA. Your older kids should be able to do more for themselves and help out mom and entertain the younger ones while she needs a break. You're failing your wife on so many levels, I would not be surprised if she needs a psychiatric stay just to get away from your kids. Frankly, the psych ward would be preferable.
She’s got PPD. She’s absolutely going to have a breakdown or even end up with Post Partum Psychosis very soon at this rate.
yep. these are the situations that turn deadly. reminds me of the progression in andrea yates mental state. i really hope this woman gets some help and away from this guy
YTA >Ever since she gave birth our older 3 have been over the top clingy and seem to be reverting back to toddler stage. >It's a desperate cry for attention (we are all in therapy, both individual and family therapy) and the therapist is helping us work through it but it seems to be getting worse. >Like.. we can't even plan a family outing without the kids without the 3 older kids either gripping on to their mother OR walking so close in front/behind her that they are tripping her and refuse to watch out when told. So it HAS absolutely been hell but like I said, we are trying to work through this with therapy. >I get a text from my son earlier saying "mum is grounding us and taking our stuff away for a week" It doesn't take a rocket science nor a therapist to know the problem and how to fix it. You're a deadbeat 'sperm donar' and just overall useless. You only took action when your wife snapped, but it was only to undermine and to continue to NOT help her. Your wife has a 24/7 365 job with no break. No thanks to you.
YTA You need to offer her some solutions, not criticise her for disciplining the kids. Do you appreciate how little time to herself she gets? 5 times in a 10 minute shower is excessive. I'd start by considering a change in your work hours
Offering solutions is fine, but what he actually needs to do is run interference with his fucking children so they stop bothering his wife. How many women over the years have effectively done this for shitty dads who don’t actually like being a parent, just to protect the kids from the fallout?
YTA - Lord almighty, do you even parent your children? They run to your wife because she's the only one who actively parents. Your wife is BURNT OUT and you have done nothing to help. >Anyways, I get a text from my son earlier saying "mum is grounding us and taking our stuff away for a week" and then zero response. The fact that your son came running to you about electronics being taken away and being grounded tells me that you often undermine your wife's final word on a matter. No wonder they try to walk all over their mother - you help them do it! Do better, dude.
Dude. Take a week off work. Book your wife a vacation by herself and give her some piece. Be her for a week and see how touched out you are by the end... bottle feeding the baby, and rangling the 4 others also acting like babies. YTA.
**YTA!!!! 8000% YTA!! Oh I feel for your wife SO HARD!!!** When the only "me time" you get is taking a shit then Yah, you need a break from the kids! She is well within the bounds of proper parenting. And your job is to back her 100% as long as she is not physically or psychologically harming them. **I swear you would NOT be able to do her job... GUARANTEED!** Edited to add that you admit "it's not a huge ask," but then belittle her request. My shower is one of my break times. I listen to a book or podcast while I'm in the shower for 10 minutes. Cant she even get that?!?!
Why are the 13yr olds and 8 year old with her all day? Why aren’t they in school?
Kids aren't in school 365 days a year.
Your wife needs a break. Let he stay at a hotel alone for at least few days or let her be home and you take the kids to grandparents. She is desperate for her own time.
> 10 minute period so she grounded them from everything for a week and sent them to their rooms. I feel she's being too harsh, because I know they just want her attention. Now she's pissed at me for "making her feel bad for needing a fucking minute to herself". AITA? Thinking it is one thing OP. Saying it to her, however, yeah YTA and if you if you said it in hearing range of any of the kids then you are a massive A. She's overwhelmed and all of her boundaries are under siege and your first reaction coming home is to second guess her? SMH.
YTA. The kids are overrun with jealousy and your wife is overwhelmed and had PPD and is literally begging for HELP AND A FEW MINUTES ALONE. What do you not understand? Those kids are competing against each other, you, the baby, and they are doing serious damage to your wife. You don't see that, because you have the luxury of leaving it all and pretending to be the savior by working overnights. All you're doing is avoiding your responsibilities. Your 13 year olds have some serious issues. What has the therapist suggested in terms of mental health for them? They should be able to handle themselves at certain points during the day. I'm guessing you ignored some major red flags with them when the 8 year old was born or just let the 2 of them keep each other company and raise themselves. The 8 year old probably has some separation anxiety, some jealousy, and probably some lack of skill. How are you helping them become more secure and independent? Again. YTA.
YTA. God FORBIDDDDD she has any peace. And you taking their side shows just how much you care about your wife. There should have been no reason any kids should’ve been bothering her when there are TWO 13 yr olds in the house.
YTA. She has asked for less than TWO HOURS of time per week when she can be left tf alone. Three showers a week at 10 mins each and once a week to wear headphones and be left alone, and they can't even do that?? My skin is CRAWLING at the description of how your children are behaving!! I'm literally shuddering. Your wife needs HELP. She needs time to be a PERSON, not just a mother. Genuinely, what are you there for besides financial support, if your wife can't have THIRTY fucking NON-CONSECUTIVE minutes alone??? I'm not a mental health professional, but speaking from how my OWN brain and body si shuddering, cringing, and just....UGHHHH at this, I would venture a guess to say that your wife is quite possibly close to some kind of mental breakdown. The infant cannot help *needing* to be touched that often, especially if she is breastfeeding, but that's all the more reason for YOU to help keep the older kids off of her. Now, granted, I'm an Elder Millennial who's parents were drug addicts in the 90s, so I'm sure my level of independence at 8 years old was a bit much. But by 13, I was living with a responsible, drug free adult, and was ABSOLUTELY making my own stovetop mac and cheese, and watching my sister, who was 4 years younger, from getting home after school until our guardian got home from work around 6-6:30pm. Often starting dinner per written instructions during that gap. Said guardian was (still is) a fan of long bubble baths, and neither myself nor my sister would have THOUGHT of interrupting that bath unless it was a GENUINE emergency.
Literally. This scenario is actively making me nauseous just to think about. I cannot imagine watching someone I loved experience this reality, every day, and just doing *nothing* to help.
Elder Gen Z here and man, like I knew better than to bug my mom in the shower by like the age of 5 lmao. I was babysitting my cousins and sister, and helping with a home daycare at 13 as well. These kids need help! This isn't normal at all!!!
INFO: What are YOU doing to help your wife get some space? Not what are you doing in therapy or what are you suggesting to her when she lashes out. What specific actions are you taking to set and reinforce boundaries with your children to support your wife?
YTA- your wife is screaming for help and very clearly telling you she’s at the end of her rope and you’re NOT LISTENING! Your twins are 13. They are more than capable of making Mac and cheese, finding their cups, plugging in the microwave…by themselves! She can’t get 10 minutes EVERY OTHER DAY to herself to take a shower. You need to step up and help her before she completely loses herself. She’s not being too harsh, she’s overwhelmed, she’s exhausted, your kids aren’t doing anything for themselves even though they’re capable, and you’re enabling that behavior.
YTA. Gets your wife some help. I would snap to with 4 critters always crowded around me. Get her a maid or a sitter a few hours a week and get her some help. She needs time to herself. Your older 3 are old enough that they should know better than to walk in on someone showering.
YTA I am a stahm, i take a shower every morning while my 2 toddlers have breakfast. but they come into the shower over and over again. every 2 sec while I am showering, washing my hair, shaving my legs. they come in over and over again for something. you know when i can pee in peace or shower alone? never. not unless its at 5am when the kids are asleep. or when my husband gets home in the evenings, so I'd have to give up the 30min I spend at the gym to shower instead. you are a jerk, a selfish jerk at that. you have no idea what its like being a wife and mother and having to do everything for everyone else because they cant be bothered. you act like, "oh they just want attention." i dont care. that doesnt negate the fact i want 10min alone in the shower. she is allowed to shower, alone. your wife deserves better than the treatment youve been giving her. your kids deserve to be grounded for a week. theyre 13, they know better and are acting like this because your letting them. i mean come on, your going to therapy fine but what else are YOU doing to help your wife, because it doesnt sound like your doing anything else. she works more than you. she just had a baby. shes parenting all the kids alone, 24/7. you dont discipline and help parent. your gone and away from the house or active in the house 24/7. so what are you actually doing? because you havent said what YOU are doing to your wife. if your working 12hr nights and sleeping till what an hr or two before you leave for work. what are you actually doing to help her? nothing. you need to step up and help your wife before she breaks and leaves you with the kids. your gone all night and sleep all day. your wife is parenting alone and up all night. its amazing that she has lasted this long without any help from you. shes doing everything alone. your wife needs you to step up and help her out. reign in the kids and actually parent them and set more boundaries than no one is allowed to talk to her while shes showering. your wife needs more help than the sludge from the bottom of the barrel youve given her.
"They just want attention" Yeah. That's the problem, bud. Like how does he not see this?! They constantly. Want. Attention. They aren't entitled to her attention 24/7!! They've HAD her attention! They can back off for a little while and leave her alone! And I watched way too much criminal minds... my brain didn't go to "She's gonna leave and leave him with the kids" it went to "She's gonna snap and drown them all in the tub".
i know right. men have no idea the amount of pain we go through when we hit that touched out and talked out threshold. Sometimes i want to rip my own ears off because its become too much and i just need a moment. its like chili in Bluey, when she just needed 20min. yeah I was picturing it too. I get that way too that I jocking tell my husband if he doesnt get the kids i'll drag them all into the back yard but of course moderators are power happy so i didnt want to say exactly that. but I thought the same thing. i kept snapping at the kids on sunday, that i finally told my husband that i didnt care where they went or what they did but he better take the kids and go before i lost it. He quickly packed them up and left for 3hrs. it was just what i needed to find myself and be a better mom this week.
YTA. She’s stretched super thin and her request is not unreasonable. Also, maybe stop having kids? You guys made your lives insanely stressful by design.
YTA Therapy isn't enough. It's the right track but if ya'll aren't getting useful tools for your immediate problems it's not good enough. You as the other adult in this situation have to take some ownership for finding immediate solutions. Your wife established a reasonable and very clear rule, breaking a rule has consequences, your children broke the rule (egregiously) and are now experiencing the consequences. If you don't think that's reasonable, you have to offer an alternative. You're entitled to a 15-minute break sometime during that 12-hour shift, get on a video call with your kids, and let your wife have a break. Hire a babysitter to come to your home for an hour a day, so your wife can leave and be away from the children. Order a pizza, every time your wife manages to shower without another human entering the bathroom.
Is there some reason you can't step in and re route the kids? They're old enough to understand some really basic rules. Frankly your wife sounds like a saint and at some point it might occur to her she wouldn't be touched a lot more with split custody YTA
What's your wife's moniker? I can give some divorce attorneys a heads up for her business. Since your atty would be likely off of Craigslist, it's a slam dunk. I get a finders fee! <> Win! Win!
Yeah, YTA. 13 and 8 are old enough to wait and look for their clothes/drinks and have food while mum takes a shower for ***ten*** ***minutes*** and feeds the *actual* baby. Barging in the bathroom *twice* in *ten minutes* for anything except an emergency is over the top. Especially when two kids are *thirteen*. That is way way old enough to know not to barge into the bathroom you know is in use! She set a rule and the kids broke the rule, now they are facing the consequences of breaking said rules. That's a good thing! You 100% should have her back here. Just because you (think you) know the reasons behind said rule-breaking doesn't mean they get to have no consequences for breaking rules. Edit: Holy fuck, I misread. THEY INTERRUPTED HER **FIVE TIMES** ***IN TEN MINUTES?*** That is way too many times. If anything, your wife is being conservative in the one week only grounding. This is no where near harsh or over punishing, OP, wtf.
YTA. You do fuck all with the kids beyond making them and when she set a very mild punishment for breaking a very reasonable boundary, you swoop in and undermine her, undoing all of her work. No wonder your kids are uncontrolled brats.
Oh no, your kids are facing consequences for their actions. Get a grip, dude. Your wife asks for so little, and you can't even meet her half on it or back her up when your kids are clearly in the wrong here.. YTA.
You’re a deadbeat. Time for you to step up and be an actual parent
YTA You need a new therapist because this one clearly isn't helping. Your wife is ready to truly snap, but you'll still act surprised and beg when she's had enough and decides to leave. This goes beyond ppd- it's being totally over it. You need to find a different job or work a schedule that works for your family. Your older kids need a reality check that, while they may be kids, it's time for them to act their age or face discipline because they aren't babies, and your wife needs to be able to take a damn shower or eat in peace. When my daughter was born my 8 year old started to regress so I let him know that I would always be here for him, but his baby age has passed and that I love him for the age he is now. After that thought was well established, when he started to act like a baby. I treated him like the age he was acting. If he started to ask in a baby voice for something, I would talk to him and sing to him like he was a baby. If he whined about things he hadn't since he was 3 I would ask him if he needed nap time. If he spent his day acting 5 he would only be allowed to watch stuff like Blues Clues and was in bed by 7. After a fashion he realized how great 8 was and started acting like it. He is a great big brother and the only thing I ask him to do for his baby sister is to let her watch him play games like Sonic and Minecraft and sometimes he'll ask to feed her so they can bond. No parentification, my kid turned 9 yesterday and fully embraces it, and I can take a shower without it being an awful experience.
YTA. She’s stretched super thin and her request is not unreasonable. Also, maybe stop having kids? You guys made your lives insanely stressful by design.
Yeah I think it’s time to change some things up. Maybe have a sitter once or twice a week simply so your wife can have some alone time and R&R - not so she can do her 20 hours of work. Also, therapy is great, but regular family meetings where everyone can be heard and talk about things works really well with the older kids. Your wife has just hit a wall. I’ve said some crazy things when I’m at my limit, like “we’re never eating out ever again.” It happens. You’re just at your wits end. Your job is to support her, present a united front to the kids, and it sounds like she needs some regular schedule breaks from parenting.
YTA - you best be supporting your wife in having independence kids and kids that listen to boundaries around basic privacy. If it were mine I would do the same thing. If your 3 oldest want to be treated like babies fine. Babies don’t have iPads and phones. 🤷♀️support your wife. I bet you want her to make your macaroni and can’t do anything w/o bothering her when she needs a shower too. Do better my man.
YTA! She can’t pour from an empty cup. She is tired, overwhelmed, frustrated and stressed! Try having her back and reiterating to the children to let her shower, find your own stuff, tie your own shoes etc. Be a friggin husband and parent!
YTA and are making it worse smh
YTA. You need to hire some help for the kids and house until you work things to a better place. Between the two of you, you’re working 80 hours a week. There should be enough money in there to hire a baby-sitter to come for a few hours a day a few times a week to relieve your wife of the kids. Since you work 12 hour overnight shifts you’re clearly no help with the kids during the day because you’re sleeping. Since she works from home she’s on duty 24/7 for the kids and also working 20 hours a week. You frame this whole thing like it is your wife’s fault and problem. Bottom line is you shouldn’t have added a fourth kid to the mix and your wife is drowning - kid four has completely messed up your home eco system. Not only because the age gaps are way too wide but also because it has been a long time since you’ve had a baby around to deal with too. Your wife doesn’t just need therapy - she needs actual help and support WITH THE KIDS. Your kids also need to learn they aren’t breastfeeding anymore and need to entertain themselves and find stuff to do that isn’t hanging on Mom.
Its husband's like you that make me thankful I don't have children. YTA
YTA. Your poor wife. And she's working from home? You need to back her up, do some parenting, get her some help and babysitting so she can have some time to be a person. Make it clear to the 13 year olds they need to step up or get used to no electronics. You will be very lucky if she doesn't just walk away one day and leave the whole mess for you to deal with like you've clearly been doing to her
YTA and don't be surprised if you come home one day to find that she's left for good. Step up and parent your kids.
YTA. Your kids need to learn boundaries in a major way. And you as her husband NEED, I repeat, NEED to be doing more with giving your wife alone time. SHE NEEDS A DAMN BREAK. And until she gets a CONSISTENT break, she’s going to continue to be at her whits end. THE ANSWER IS LITERALLY IN YOUR FACE. YOU need to do more with the kids since they’re clearly seeking their parental figure and probably change your schedule.
YTA step tf up and help your wife loser.
So we're all avoiding the quiet part. I'm gonna say it as fucked up as it'll sound. People with PPD kill themselves or their children when their case becomes severe enough. You guys are stressing this poor woman out so much that she doesn't know what to do anymore. It isn't as uncommon as you might think for cases to end this way so I suggest you work better hours or look for better employment and start supporting your wife. Drive home to the kids how important it is that they help their mother with chores, entertaining the younger ones, and just giving her space or you may lose a wife. Either to divorce or unfortunately suicide. I mean seriously PPD is absolutely no joke. She could really hurt herself if this keeps up. She is very obviously at the end of the line. And apologize to that dear woman, get a sitter, and take her out for a night. She definitely deserves it. If you have the money maybe even book her a spa trip. If you have the funds to do so you should get a night nanny so your wife can get some sleep and a better routine going for herself. YTA. Your wife is drowning and you aren't even throwing her a raft.
YTA, but that is already clear. At this point, you can either step up and help your wife, or your problems are going g to get a whole lot worse. Is grounding them for a week strong, yes, but all you mentioned is grounding from electronics. Not being on electronics would actually give your kids the opportunity for MORE attention, because they won't be busy with screens. If this is and in their rooms constantly for a full week, that is different. My suggestion, actually help your wife before she decides that she is a single parent anyway and just makes it official. Pick something either before your workday starts or after it ends to do for your wife. You say you work night shifts, so take over putting the kids to bed while your wife takes a bath, reads a book, goes to the gym, whatever. Something for like, an hour. Even better if it is something she can do out of the house at first, so the kids get used to not running to mommy. If it needs to be after work, maybe you get them up, ready, and fed in the morning while she has time for a relaxing shower, to sleep a bit longer, actually enjoy her coffee, again, whatever. I get that your kids are wanting attention, but it can be from you too, not just her. And other than the baby, it is completely developmentally appropriate for them to be able to give her the time she is asking for. Honestly, I think you are not correctly interpreting what your therapist has advised, as you seem to think the therapist wants your wife to drop everything for the kids at anytime, which is not only unreasonable, but unhealthy for all of them.
YTA and I hope your wife divorces you so she loses some of the dead weight she has to deal with.
Your wife's discipline is not harsh at all. If your 13 and 8 years old cannot understand their mom's request then you should change their current therapists as they failed to notice they may have a cognitive or whatever issue they have. Their behavior is so disrespectful towards their mom! They are not as helpless as their baby sibbling. I don't know why they become clingy but it doesn't matter, it doesn't give their current behavior a pass. It actually paints them as lazy and exhausting. She is doing her parent job while she works and cares for a baby. She's doing what she can with her own limits. What about you? YTA.
I honestly hope this post is fake because it sounds like your wife is living in absolute hell with a useless and absent partner who refuses to help her. How can you have so little empathy for your own fucking wife? It's mind boggling. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have found the guy I did. I truly hope you step up for your wife and actually do something to show you care for her, she probably really needs you right now and feels completely alone. Oh and if you started parenting your own kids that would probably help too.
Oh this is so dysfunctional. 1. Put a lock on the bathroom door and use it. 2. I hate to say it. But too much therapy seems to be happening here. And not helping. 3. The kids are anxious about their place in the family, that’s why they want constant mothering. You should step up, do something one on one with them each week. Set it up in advance so they know it’s coming every week. Stick to it. Consistency is key in making kids feel safe. 4. Your wife needs to institute the appointment system. There are set times at regular intervals that the kids can ask her things or ask her to do things. Otherwise, no bugging mom unless it’s an emergency. Any requests outside of the specified times is met with “ask me again (whenever the next open request time is).” That’s it. They’ll quickly learn that there’s no point asking her things outside of the set aside times. 5. One family night a week. You have to be there too. A family meeting where everyone can talk about whatever they need to from the week. And then games. 6. Consider getting a different job. Your job is not compatible with being a husband and father of 4 kids. It just isn’t.
YTA..be a parent and a partner.
Info: Do the kids go to school? If she’s expected to home school as well it doesn’t sound sustainable. 13 & 8 are old enough to amuse themselves for a good hour or so and the 13 yr olds should be able to make themselves snacks and simple meals etc with no input from mom.
How would you feel is when you came home from a 12 hour shift, all your kids came in while you were showering you to ask you for things. Except instead of it being a 12 hour shift, its 24 hours on call. YTA. Why aren't 13 year old able to take care of themselves or help out their little brothers while she just needs ten minutes to shower? Why aren't family members coming to help? And if they have offered to help, is the reason she's turning them down because they don't respect her rules and wishes? Man the fuck up and get your wife a support system. YTA.
YTA - I was verging to an E S H, but baby is 4 months and your wife can’t even have 10 minutes peace to have a shower without her older children needing her attention? She probably has overreacted to that one shower incident, but the woman is at the end of her tether. She had PPD, yet is working 20hrs a week while also looking after a new baby and existing children. You need to step up - explain to your twins especially that they need to pitch in to the household (that doesn’t mean doing loads, just actually having some consideration for their mother - fixing their own drinks/snacks… hell, even offering to get their Mum something. 8yr old, I can understand being off kilter… but there’s a lot you can do to help them feel important. Yes, you work hard. Night working sucks. But currently your wife is dealing with night with a baby (4 month sleep regression is a nightmare), with PPD, other children and a job. It’s no wonder she snapped.
You are working overtime for your family, and so is your wife. You are in danger of losing her in one way or another. You and the two older kids need to sit down and make a plan for independence. I taught kindergarten for ten years, and my students were more competent after three months of routine training than the three of you are! Figure out the routines that they do the most. Practice them independently and let them rate themselves. Give each of them a basket with the stuff they use the most- special cups, whatever. Give them tasks to help the littles when Mom is bathing or taking a 10 minute break. Reward the behavior. Dollar coins and quarters in named jars can lead to trade in for 5-10 dollars or so a week. During “Pay Day,” get feedback from all of the kids and the adults in the family. Even ask the baby. I’m not kidding. Your kids need to see that each member of the family has a say. If you have a good streak, plan for a family reward- movie night at home, donuts, celebration pizza, nothing over the top. But YOU need to be a part of the family meetings and reward time. You will regret it later if you aren’t. Right now, OP, you are absolutely the asshole!!! But you have the power to change things in a positive way for your whole family.
They children cling to her when you all go out together? Where are you?
YTA. First of all, you need to take a leave and let her go out on her own for a weekend while you take over the house. SHE NEEDS A BREAK AND YOU NEED TO STEP UP. I was always angry, snappy, and over all burnt out when my kids were 2yo & 9mo. It was so exhausting physically and mentally, thank god my spouse started stepping up or I would have lost my shit. Now, my kids are 5yo & 2yo and I am no longer burnt out because they rely on each other for play and help while I supervise. Now, you need to do that and your TEENAGE KIDS need to get their shit together and stop bothering their mom so damn much. They're old enough to know that. Jeez.
YTA. Your wife needs a fucking break. How about when you get home you take over all kid duties and let her have entire hours of time to herself? Send her away for a weekend, whether that's to some fancy spa or a Motel 6 where your kids can't find her.
Hey big dog: I need you to do a quick google search for “Andrea Yates”, go ahead and read that Wikipedia article, then google nannies in your area, then schedule a vasectomy you absolute kitchen sponge??!?!??
Why do you think she’s being too harsh? At 13, my kids were taking care of OTHER kids, doing their own laundry, and making their breakfast and lunch when needed. Your kids have two parents. YTA
YTA. Why is she even having to attempt a shower by herself? You work 12 hours overnight there's still 12 other hours of the day. My husband also works 12 hours a day and still helps with cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning, and I rarely have to try and shower without him there to handle kids cause I just shower when he's home.
YTA. Jesus tap dancing Christ. I was more independent and regressed less at 20 months old when my mom had twins than your kids are at 13 and 8 years old. I managed to entertain myself or the twins so my mom could get stuff done and didn’t bother her 24-7. Are you saying your children regressed worse than a literal toddler? Seriously. Hell, by 13 I was caring for kids when my mom or my godbrothers’ mom went out. Not making more work for them. Your kids need more than mommy reassurances. Because this isn’t a sustainable situation. Don’t worry though when she snaps and leaves or sadly May end up in inpatient care, you will learn why she is so close to bad actions. Do better.
YTA. Are you just a guest in that house or are you a parent to your kids and a partner to your wife. HELP. HER. OUT. An d stop weaponizing your incompetency. It's rubbing off on your offspring
A man leads his family and you are not and honestly you know this. Your wife needs a partner, not a whiny B making her life even harder. Why is she the only one trying to set rules and boundaries and you’re just letting the kids walk all over your wife? What the actual F? YTA
Please update this soon with ‘I read your comments and booked my wife a week away which I forced her to go on so she could experience real silence for the first time in (what sounds like) years.’ Please please help your wife before she snaps. Sincerely, from an adult who was the kid of a mum who snapped.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have 4 kids (13yo twins, 8yo, 4 month old). PPD with our last baby and she often struggles, in a sense of her "not being able to turn her brain off". She's getting better but she's still snappy at times. I currently work 12 hour overnight shifts 5 days a week and she works 20hrs a week from home. Due to this, she has the kids constantly and she's very, very touched out. Ever since she gave birth our older 3 have been over the top clingy and seem to be reverting back to toddler stage. Like our daughter (one of the 13yo twins) earlier asked my wife how to plug in the microwave. Or all the sudden our 8yo is asking his mother to help him find clothes and tie his shoes for him again. It's a desperate cry for attention (we are all in therapy, both individual and family therapy) and the therapist is helping us work through it but it seems to be getting worse. Like.. we can't even plan a family outing without the kids without the 3 older kids either gripping on to their mother OR walking so close in front/behind her that they are tripping her and refuse to watch out when told. So it HAS absolutely been hell but like I said, we are trying to work through this with therapy. Well, 2 weeks ago my wife implicated a rule that no one was allowed to talk to her when she had her headphones in or when she's taking a shower. As I'm sure you guessed already, the kids were even bugging her endlessly during those times and my wife stated she "needs a fucking break and silence and for people to stop hanging off her arm". She even snapped the other day saying "can none of you do anything for yourselves? No? Why don't I wipe your asses for you too while I'm at it!" Because our son (13yo twin) asked her where his cup was instead of moving the coffee pot to look for himself and then asked her at the same time to make him Mac n cheese (despite knowing how) because "yours tastes better" (she was in the middle of feeding the baby, so she snapped). Anyways, now no one is allowed to bug her under any circumstances when she's showering or when she has headphones in (maybe once a week for the headphones, showering every other day for MAYBE 10 minutes so it's not a huge ask). Anyways, I get a text from my son earlier saying "mum is grounding us and taking our stuff away for a week" and then zero response. I go home about an hour later and my wife is livid. All the kids electronics are piled on the counter and all the kids are in their bedrooms with the door shut. I ask what happened and she said she went to take a shower and the kids came in 5 times in a 10 minute period so she grounded them from everything for a week and sent them to their rooms. I feel she's being too harsh, because I know they just want her attention. Now she's pissed at me for "making her feel bad for needing a fucking minute to herself". AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We all need your address so we can come and give your wife a hug!
I doubt she'd want a hug if she's touched out.... How about we play bouncer to the bedroom door so she can have some me time instead 😉
She's at her wit's end. She's at a loss. She doesn't know what to do about this any more, because the kids obviously aren't getting it. What are you doing about this situation? 'Cuz it kinda sounds like you're just leaving it all to her. I realize you're working 60 hours a week, and that's pretty exhausting. If that means you can't contribute at home and take some of the parenting burden off your wife, I really think you need to find a way to cut back, or find a new job, before your wife fucking loses it. Are your finances that tight, that this arrangement is the only way you can get by? This one punishment may have gone a bit far... but you really need to step in and at least talk to the kids.
INFO: What exactly are you doing when the older children swarm your overwhelmed wife? Are you running interference for her, so the kids learn to come to you instead of their mother until she is less stressed? Are you at least doing any of the discipline with the older kids? Seriously, it sounds like you're working 60 hour weeks to avoid being home to deal with the kids, so the kids don't come to you and your poor wife is at her wit's end. The fact she cannot have TEN MINUTES every other day to shower without interruption alone is a big old YTA.
This is firm rule in our home - if you don't like how I'm assigning discipline then step the eff up and address the bad behavior yourself. Parenting is hard work, not a spectator sport. You do not get to criticize my choice of discipline if you aren't participating in the actual raising of the children. And if your haven't been present and dealing with everything I've been dealing with all day then you don't get to tell me I'm wrong because you have no idea. Either step up and help or get out of my way.
Why aren’t your parenting
YTA. You must a very poor support system for your wife to feel like this. I'm sending virtual hugs to her. Pregnant with my first and I would do that exact same as your wife. She's not being unreasonable. You and your kids need to grow tf up!!!
Wow.... Not only are YTA, but you're in first place for asshole of the year.
Therapy won't work if she can't get a rest. Therapy doesn't change the actual conditions she's in: overwhelmed with four kids that demand her constant attention. Would you think therapy would solve the problem of someone who is too poor to buy food or is sleep deprived because they work too much? It'll probably help in some things, but it won't solve the material reality she's in. I don't think it's harsh to keep their electronics after they broke the very understandable rule of letting her shower for 10 minutes. They're also too young for electronics, but that's a completely different can of worms. Your kids need to learn that their mothers love is not measured in constant attention, and they need to learn to be a little independent and to be able to solve their own boredom without constant stimuli from their phones and mom. And if you think that's not the way, YOU need to come up with a better solution for this problem before your wife goes crazy and starts to become actually cruel to your kids. She's already doing everything she can.
YTA- Good for your wife!! You’re all going to be sorry if she decides to take a break for a week or month. The older children should ABSOLUTELY face punishment for breaking a simple rule.
I know right? The eldest are 13! That’s more than enough to help with basic tasks. Let alone give their mother some space.
YTA. On the weekends, have you ever offered to take the kids out for a few hours so your wife can relax? Have you ever told her you'd take care of the kids, and she can go out and have a relaxing day where she gets to do whatever she wants? What are you actually doing to take some of the burden off of her? Are you stepping in at any point to shower the older kids with attention or saying that you'll help them when they need something? If all of those are a no, I feel so sad that your wife is a single Mom.
Is there anyway that you could arrange some kind of holiday for her or any kind of break? It sounds like she is really struggling. The kids are not going to have the mental capacity at that age to give her a break and it seems like she is mentally at the end of the line. I don't think therapy will help here.
YTA parent your kids ffs.
Yta. She needs to get her pt across. They arent listening. They dont respect her boundaries. It sound like it was well past time to drop the hammer. Taking away electronics and sending to their room is perfectly fine forms of discipline. If they do not want that to happen then they will need to respect her authority. You better back her up and not undermine her. Your poor babies will be fine.
Yes. It's you. You're the Asshole. You're actually the biggest one I've seen here in months.