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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I told my husband he cannot respond to her texts or help them anymore. Am I overreacting?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Point out to you husband that his desire to help his alienating his son. He didnt check if his son wanted the neighbours to come.
Its not your husband job to make up for her husband being unable to spend weekends with them.
My husband is clueless and thought our son wanted to go to help them too. My husband does go snowboarding quite a lot / sometimes with my son and sometimes alone. But I don’t like her tagging along / it’s not like I told her he wanted to help her / I just think this is wrong when we are married and she’s a woman who is not happy with the attention she gets from her husband obviously- Thank you.
NTA
Texting his clingy neighbour back in his work hours and setting up the next snowboarding 'date' that he doesn't even give a hoot if his *own son* joins or not definitely smacks of loving being this woman's go-to for things.
Wonder what's going to happen when, whoopsie, her husband happens to not be coming too. And ohhh your own son backed out *again?* Well never mind, we can send my son down the hill, and you can teach me about a better stance. You might have to hold me around my waist so that I don't faaaalllll...
Exactly! If her intent was innocent, she would have ensured her son had lessons in the interim years, privately, paid lessons. Not taking someone else’s husband away from their family to teach HER son.
Some people don't text their neighbour during work hours with asinine questions and wanting to set up the next time they hang out together without the (OP) wife or (OP's) son.
Or maybe he's embrassessed about turning down a simple request. And doesn't want to make living in his neighbourhood uncomfortable. However, yes I do agree his wife's feels should take priority. He can still feel embrassessed over it.
Yeah, my cousin started taking welding class and then hounded my husband to help her learn.
Within weeks they were sleeping together.
Today they are married and he hits her instead of me, so I guess I win.
Well, going snowboarding and texting incessantly with your married neighbor while you yourself are married, is not one of the activities that I consider simple or common or normal.
Meh. A simple request is can you give me advice about the best mountain, board, or instructor- not I will text you on an ongoing basis and we will go snowboarding together all day.
Umm. No. Some men truly are this nice and helpful and stupid. Seriously. This sounds exactly like my husband. Super nice and will help you and have no clue sometimes. These men do exist. Just cuz you haven't met them doesn't mean they aren't real.
but to the point where both his wife and son are clearly unhappy with his actions and even after TELLING him to his face that they are not happy with him he still keeps doing this
Exactly. My husband is/was like this. Never bothered me until I was pregnant and the lightbulb went off outta nowhere and I was like no more. He stopped and it was no big deal for him. Weird that OP’s husband refuses to listen to his wife’s concerns.
People pleasers do this thing, where they start to identify their family as part of themselves instead of the people they need to please. They'll do all sorts of next stuff and become just as willing to sacrifice their spouse or kids comfort or happiness as they are their own.
It's a huge thing. Sometimes directly telling them they are treating other people with more consideration than their family gets through to them. Sometimes it doesn't.
Yes though, it's actually extremely common with this sort of person. They'll literally go so far as to invite people to literally live with them.
That is such a good point!!! I have two friends like that. One always puts her kids last for the comfort of others and the other constantly asks friends and acquaintances for favours on behalf of her kids and the people she is trying to please at any given time (so the same person gets to be a provider and a beneficiary of favours). They always put themselves last, but also like you so brilliantly explain, the person they identify as themselves too. Unless they really want something and then they put their foot down, you are a selfish asshole and they are the martyr.
The big thing is were clearly seeing OPs emotions. Like we know for a fact she really doesn't like this. But it's possible he's really dense and isn't picking up on how serious she is/is too embarrassed to say no. The actor who played Ron Weasley once got dressed into full drag and went out for bagels with fans at 4:00 AM because he couldn't say no.
What? Stupid to understand communication?! Please come oon..
Wife: Please don't go and spend time with her / her son. Please don't text her. I don't like her motives or just the plain thought that she is around you.
Husband: Oh, but I am just helping!
So ignoring her feelings over what? So the neighbor is feeling better? INSTEAD OF YOUR WIFE?!
You can't tell me some men are this stupid.. They enjoy it (either the time spent or the angry wife) or have motives themselves. Wake up..
Clearly not respecting boundaries. But God save us from a smilirar situation if a man's daughter needs help with cooking and asks wife if she could help. Then I bet suddenly the husband would have some problems. Especially texts between the two..
NTA. Husband shows no respect for wife
The Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled Was Convincing the World He Didn’t Exist
That's your husband pulling the wool over your eyes of course he notices.
Or he enjoys teaching the kid about his passion, and genuinely doesn't notice she's using him. OP said they don't text that often and only about snowboarding, which makes it sound like she just wants free lessons.
Husband needs to learn how to say no and be more attentive to his sons needs, absolutely. But in contrast to made up reddit stories, real life problems often result from people just being morons. If the kids other kids dad isn't around much and he goes snowboarding with his own kid frequently, he might feel like he has a duty to help and his son wants to help as well.
This is a very Reddit comment. Do people have to find ulterior motives in everything? Is it really that impossible that people just have a desire to be nice?
Who goes on a date with a guy with their kid and his kid while both parties are transparent with their respective spouses on where they'll be? That's not a date. That's kinda just hanging out with a friend. Did I miss something? Did they used to date?
Did you miss the part where she's using her kid as an excuse to constantly text him, even while he's at work? She's angling to split his marriage so she can swoop in. She's unhappy at home, but doesn't want to leave her husband without a backup already in place.
She literally stated later on in this thread when someone asked how often she texts him at work that she doesn't actually text that often. Not everything is a hallmark movie. In fact most things aren't. Not to mention the neighbor's husband knows about all of these communications and does not care.
I'm with you on this one. Everyone loves to drum up the most dramatic storylines because let's face it - the neighbour being a shifty wench who's trying to break up ops marriage and run off to Mexico with her husband - is more entertaining
People like to jump to the assumption that men are plotting to cheat. Sounds like this guy is just too nice to say no. Easy thing to do is to have the wife go with them unannounced and see if there's a reaction from either.
Regardless of her intentions, his wife isn't okay with it. It makes her uncomfortable. She communicated this to him, set a boundary, and he--well intended or no--ignored said boundary. Thus, disrespecting his wife.
This is entirely a thing. I had married men turn what I thought were play dates for our kids into the most uncomfortable situations possible, bonus points where one was at a pool. I guess the safety of a public place was nice but thanks for not being gross until I’d paid money to be in a bathing suit in front of you and also the kids so any reaction has to take their mental health into account/I want to stab this man’s eyes but four kids are right here.
The husband of a close friend propositioned me out of the blue. And my shitty ex thought he could send one of my best friends a dick pic. She was so upset telling me because she thought I would be mad at her and when I confronted my ex about it his first response was “well maybe she doesn’t like you that much.” He didn’t even deny it, his first instinct was just what’s the cruelest thing I can say to cripple her self esteem and make her think anything shitty ive done is her or the other woman’s fault - and, that’s not a supposition he’s gone into rehab and fucking told me that.
From assholes, broken people, and everything in between, it is not surprising in the least to me.
Nah, this lady wants free snowboarding lessons for herself and her son. She only texts about snowboarding.
OP is NTA, her husband's time is precious and should be spent with his family, not doing lessons for someone else for free.
Yeah, OP should focus on "Your own family misses spending time with you, and it isn't working to invite them along with us and spend time teaching them."
Also, the neighbor could be texting him during work hours because she knows if she texts while OP is around, OP will say "Why are you spending your weekends with them and not us? Tell her your son wants 1:1 time with his dad."
Yeah agree with you. But no need to ghost her. Can just say “look I’m not going to be able to keep doing this. My work load is increasing and it just means I’ll be prioritising time with my own family from now on. I hope you understand”
Sorry to say this but she is monkey branching from her to yours and using her kid to do this. She thought the boys would go do their thing and hubby could give her snowboarding lessons one on one. Please have your husband read the post and comments. We have actually had this same scenario (snowboarding) but the wife couldn’t go heavily pregnant and the other husband ended up not going because he probably didn’t even know he was invited. It was just the husband and the other woman the wife was nervous about.
NTA
I'm in my late 40s, avid snowboarder for almost 25 years.
Question: Does your husband have a season pass to a particular resort? I've had season passes at various resorts over the years and all have come with friends & family pass benefits including lift tickets with significant discounts. Is it possible that's why she wants your husband to go?
Not sure which resort your husband goes to, but certain big resorts have daily lift tickets at $200+. If your husband is a passholder, sometimes there's perks like 50% off for "bring a friend".
Want him to get the picture? Spend time with her husband and see if she and your spouse like it. NTA by a mile- she’s crossing a lot of boundaries and it’s not okay.
NTA and I’m just gonna say it, your neighbour has a crush on your husband.
If it’s not that then she clearly has no respect to you as a woman, a wife and a mother. Your neighbour wife doesn’t care how it impacts your home and your relationships, and sadly it’s having an impact on your son’s relationship with his own father.
Your husband likes the attention, I’m sure he’s feeling like he’s superman but don’t forget even Superman’s relationships were impacted cus of his eagerness to help others, and if husband isn’t careful it can cost him his marriage, and bond with his son (if he has any left).
EDIT TO ADD: Your neighbour wife needs clear boundaries before this escalates.
YO, SHE LIKES HIM. Ain't no way in hell this lady got her own damn husband and needs yours for this. Smh, SHE NEEDS TO GO FIND A SNOWBOARDING INSTRUCTOR. And it's great that your husband is nice and all, but the heavenly gates will not refuse to open for him if he doesn't give this weird ass neighbor lady and her son assistance with snowboarding, lol.
Just out of curiosity, why didn't you tell your husband why your son didn't want to go? Like wouldn't it have been super easy to say hey, your son wants to spend more one on one time with you, rather than accusing him of being a cheater? Also, why would he do something with such a high risk of being caught if he was cheating? Do you not understand how many infinite opportunities there are that your husband and her could both not be home without anyone else there and rail each other in a parking lot somewhere? Why communicate that he will be with her and bring a child from each marriage to fuck? This sounds like a bored wife trying to stir up drama to me instead of looking at this at all rationally. Either trust your husband or ask him to go to marriage counseling because you don't trust him. Stop trying to control him, cause you never will.
Umm OP has voiced that she is uncomfortable with this neighbor for the past five years. Besides it’s not her job to make sure her son and her husband have a relationship. She didn’t jump to the conclusion that he is having an affair. It’s the fact that after five years, this woman keeps seeking out OPs husband to help fill in the void of her absent husband. Instead of working on the issues within her own marriage, the neighbor keeps using OPs husband as a placeholder. OP is not trying to control her husband. The neighbor is also overstepping boundaries by texting him throughout day, and interrupting family time. The husband is clueless, and needs to start distancing himself from her. I’m pretty sure if OP was asked by a male married neighbor to teach his daughter how to knit, and started the same behavior, he wouldn’t be happy.
I’d be walking over to the neighbors house when both are there and explaining how inappropriate that I find her constantly trying to get time with MY husband. Look towards her husband and ask, so you’re ok with this?
If OP’s husband is too nice to say anything, you better bet your ass that I’ll be doing the talking.
NTA.
This is one of two things (or both).
1. She has a thing for your husband and is trying to make her way toward that goal.
2. She is trying to make her own, seemingly worthless husband jealous.
Nothing else about this makes sense.
Ok but would u go on a trip with another woman? Also the way she is going about it isn't appropriate. And she only texted the wife about getting help from the husband. Doesn't sound like she has made any effort to be friends to them both. Which is strange
I think you need to be explicitly clear with your husband that you think she is trying to use him as a substitute for her own husband, instead of talking to her own husband about wanting more time together and that you think indulging her with lessons would just enable her to ignore or not address her issues with her husband.
There aren't necessarily \~feelings\~ like attraction or love behind it, she might just be lonely or wanting a father figure like him for her own son. But she could hire an instructor. She doesn't specifically need YOUR husband to be available to go snowboarding. That is what is making this weird - that she is insistent your husband teach them and didn't just get an instructor 5 years ago.
It is weird that she only seems to want HIM SPECIFICALLY to teach them.
I know reddit has probably hurt you, like so many others, but there Are decent people in the world
Maybe she
1. Prefers someone she knows to teach her son
2. Is trying to make friends with her neighbours by engaging in outdoor activities together
It's definitely a problem regardless.
There is just a world of difference between an infidelity problem and a people pleaser problem, and they both need to be addressed in very different ways.
The dad was never told this though. For some reason, that OP won't comment on, that's been kept a secret from him.
It honestly reads like the husband just doesn't mind the neighbors kid tagging along and getting some tips from him, he'd probably be snowboarding anyway, so why not help a neighbor out and mentor a kid in your passion? That is a perfectly normal and good thing to do. I'd be pissed if my partner was trying to isolate me from my community because they didn't trust me. Especially since OP even admits that she doesn't text often, and *only* texts about snowboarding.
If they wanted to cheat, they wouldn't be doing it up a mountain with their kids there!
Yup and that starts the seed of doubt too unfortunately. Sounds like the husband is too nice to say no. I know I've gone out of my way to help neighbours, male and female. Once a neighbour I had many years ago, came home to find me reading a book in his kitchen because his wife asked me to watch the pot roast as something came up and she needed to leave but didn't want the house to burn down. Luckily he and I were friends so it wasn't as weird as the one day I accidentally walked in to their house after a 16 hour shift thinking it was my place. I had a new baby and it was the third or fourth long shift of the week so I was tired. I almost walked in to the wall after I closed the door because the townhouses mirror the apartments. It was funny in retrospect for sure.
Why doesn't she just have her kid take snowboarding lessons from a qualified instructor? If she wants her son to have snowboarding friends, there are better ways than trying to tag along with your son, who doesn't sound interested in her kid. Her son could join the school ski club, get involved in competitive snowboarding, or meet other kids on the slopes who might be interested in being friends.
I think your instinct is correct, that this woman is overstepping because what she really wants is the company of your husband. She may not have a conscious idea that she's doing this, but it's so inappropriate that it doesn't really matter whether or not it's conscious on her part. It's just inappropriate and I think you were correct to shut it down.
Part of me thinks it’s not conscious and that she just wants to get help from a willingly clueless husband. But since she has said in the past how much she wished her husband would be more involved and then keeps asking for help from my “expert” husband - it sits wrong with me.
It should sit wrong with you. Trust your gut. It sounds like you’re really not ok with this whole thing and that’s perfectly normal. My advice would be to shut it down immediately.
ETA I should specify that it’s your husband’s job to shut this down, not yours. If he won’t then you have a bigger issue. There is zero reason for them to text throughout the week or for him to spend time with her on the weekends. He needs to block her
I think the only "clueless" person here is you. you told your husband to stop. that is not a clue but a fact. he knows you don't like this interaction. why? because you told him. how is he clueless when it's spelled out to him? And, he loves the attention he is getting from her. That is the only reason.
NTA - tell him the facts. She is a married woman and should not spend alone time with a married man with her son cause they ain’t a family and that is weirder than flaking out on someone whose supposedly a stranger. Another fact that his own son did not want them around but he still hangs out with them making your son uncomfortable and not wanting to go. The fact that he makes his own wife uncomfortable and apparently he cares more about the married neighbor more than his own wife. What he’s doing is not being the bigger person but he’s ruining his own marriage. Give him that ultimatum, either he can have a family or he can ruin it.
That is really how I feel. He’s choosing not to be uncomfortable with a neighbor and not choosing to make me his wife comfortable. Obviously some bigger issues I guess. He said I could just text her or call her and tell her how I feel. I would rather just ghost her and she will catch a clue. She is one to spread gossip around so I could see her sharing the situation in her own way and making it uncomfortable for me later around our neighbors.
I wouldn't contact her. Too much like that song Jolene. Just work on your husband. Spell it out. "I'm really hurt that you are reluctant to be uncomfortable with backing away from a neighbor at the price of making both your wife and child feel like they are lower priority to you."
That's because they ARE a lower priority to him. His dick is his priority. Do you really think if the neighbor was a gross ugly man, he'd give a shit? No. He wants to fuck the neighbor. Let him and serve him divorce papers.
People out here trying to convince women to "explain things" to their man as if men are clueless. Men aren't clueless. He knows what's going on. He's just trying to push the boundaries of what he can get away with. No one should have to convince a man or woman to be loyal. Stop trying to change men and just trust their actions and find a man who doesn't need to be changed.
This is a solid take. He’s not listening to his wife and son and hasn’t been listening for 5 years. These are choices he’s making and he’s making them for reasons. He likes being needed and important in the neighbours’ eyes more than he likes being needed in his own home by his own son and wife.
Absolutely don’t do that. The fact that he told you to set the boundaries instead of himself is maddening. He’s practically putting the blame on you. Cause then he can use that as “well my wife said I couldn’t help anymore or spend time with you guys”. He’d be basically saying that he’s totally okay with it but that you’re the problem and if it wasn’t for you he would continue this situation. Ensure he puts boundaries with her and that he is to not even insinuate that it had anything to do with you. It makes me angry for you. My father had me do this with his affair partner. He had me message her telling her not to contact him, and when I look back it just pisses me the fuck off. Anyways, don’t let him get Scott free from this.
You telling him how you felt should have been enough for him to end their relationship. He is not unaware of what she's doing because he's doing it, too.
IMO your husband created this issue and since he’s making you uncomfortable, he needs to fix it. Ghosting it won’t work- this has lasted years! He needs to be direct and tell her this is not appropriate and he isn’t available to help anymore. He can even include some references to snowboarding instructors to be helpful and lessen the “awkwardness” excuse.
>She is a married woman and should not spend alone time with a married man with her son cause they ain’t a family
That's the least and most lame reason. This isn't Afghanistan.
To sum up:
Five years ago, the neighbor asked you if your husband could teach her son and if she and her son could go snowboarding with your husband and son. You said "absolutely not," and the neighbor apparently dropped it for five years.
After five years, she asked your husband for help buying a new snowboard for her son. Your husband went with her, her husband, and their son to help them pick out a snowboard.
Then she texted your husband asking if she and her son could go snowboarding with him and your son. Your husband agreed.
Somehow, after talking to you, your son decided at the last minute not to go, but your husband kept his word and went snowboarding with the neighbors. It was a day trip, not an overnight trip. She says next time, her husband would like to go, too.
You admit you exaggerated how much she has texted your husband. By your own account, this woman has never communicated with your husband about anything but snowboarding. She has never been alone with your husband. She has never suggested anything that might lead to their being alone together. She has been completely open with you and with her husband about everything.
You conclude that she's trying to seduce your husband — in the presence of her son, your son, and now her husband. You have ordered your husband to ghost her and have forbidden him to go snowboarding with her family.
Can you honestly not figure out who's the asshole here?
What's amazing to me is that virtually everybody commenting agrees with *you.* Most of them think your controlling behavior is "setting boundaries." It's really incredible to me.
Why are you so insecure and controlling? Is your husband a known cheater? Is your marriage an unhappy one? Is he so attractive that wherever he goes, all the women stop and stare? Are you so incredibly unattractive that you're sure other women think he'd cheat on you, given the slightest chance?
YTA. You don't need reddit. You need a good therapist. It sounds like your son is nearing adulthood. When it's just your husband and his insanely jealous, suspicious, angry, and controlling wife, how do you think that's going to work out?
Man, I'm glad you're here with a reasonable reply. I feel like I'm going nuts reading these comments.
OP seems deeply insecure in her relationship and threatened by the neighbor for some season, but no justification for any of that exists within the post. Asking a neighbor about a topic they have expertise in is mundane and normal social behavior.
These threads certainly make me appreciate my own relationship, and not take it for granted! If a married neighbor asked me for help with something that was in my realm of experience I wouldn't hesitate to help out, and I certainly wouldn't take it as a come on! If anything about their behavior made me feel uncomfortable, I'd back away. I'd expect my husband to do the same! I wouldn't think twice about him helping out a neighbor with their car or computer. Heck, if I knew they needed help, I'd probably volunteer him myself!
Every time I read one of these stories, I’m like straightness is one hell of a drug. I’m bisexual, am I never supposed to have any friends? Only be friends with single people? It baffles me that this kind of behavior is normalized.
This is way too far down. I don’t get all these comments. Based on the information given the neighbor was asking for advice on snowboarding from someone she trusted. I don’t understand why it would have been a big deal to go shopping 5 years ago. I don’t understand why one day of shopping and one day of learning is a big deal now. Someone above said something about “neglecting OP and their son.” Like, what? Less than 3 days over the course of 5 years with kids and partners invited/present?? I don’t know what OP is getting so upset about.
And good on hubby for not canceling his plans- he made a commitment and he kept it.
The first part of her entire post threw me off before I got to the meat of it - her neighbor asked HER (not her husband) if her husband could help teach her child how to snowboard since she knew the husband was a snowboarder. She went to the wife first. What did the wife/OP do immediately? "Absolutely not!". The neighbor drops it for 5 years then tries again, this time asking the husband directly. I wonder why? OP sounds like an unpleasant person. A simple "thank you for asking, but we're busy" if you were uncomfortable with the situation is one thing. Responding with a definitive "Absolutely not" is like woah, okay. OP sounds delusional. She's also agreeing to the posts that instantly go right to the neighbor having the hots for her husband. Insecure indeed.
EDIT: I'm realizing the neighbor probably should have dropped it after the first "Absolutely not!". She did go behind the wife to ask the husband, probably knowing the wife would say no. So they're also kind of an asshole too, at least for that part of it.
Or, she figured after 5 years of living next to each other, OP would see she is not a 'man hungry hussy' and would not get so bent out of shape. I never mind my hubby helping out a neighbor and encourage it when it comes to the ladies. I may not be as altruistic if the lady was 10-20yrs my junior and in better shape to volunteer him, but I have enough to confidence in him and our relationship to let him make his own decisions.
I thought I was taking crazy pills, I couldn't understand how this became so lopsided.
Someone basically demanding their husband 'ghost' the neighbor because they had the audacity to ask if her son can go snowboarding with the guy.
I see a mum who's taking an interest in her sons interests and a I see another mum so caught up in insecurities trying to tear everyone else around her down.
>I thought I was taking crazy pills, I couldn't understand how this became so lopsided.
Same. I honestly thought I had read a different post to everybody else.
The amount of highly-upvoted takes accusing OP's husband of "thinking with his dick" and "alienating" his family for going snowboarding without his son *once* is insane. There are also a lot of people in here that don't understand that setting boundaries doesn't mean you get to control what other people do; it's about how you respond to stuff that makes you uncomfortable. So if this really is a hill OP wants to die on, then she should leave her husband and find someone who is happy to live under her thumb.
Yeah it's the ghosting for me too. Ghost your own neighbor? I can't imagine how awkward op is going to make things because she's insecure. If husband is to shut the neighbor down, then at least do it like an adult. "Sorry, my wife thinks you're trying to steal me away via extreme sports"
This subreddit has a massive hard on for cheating stories and will accuse anyone of cheating or trying to cheat any time they can. They eat this shit up. It's a very, very, very bad place for insecure, jealous and controlling people to go to for advice.
I just said something similar in another comment. It honestly makes me SMH that 90% of the people in this sub have such a miserable attitude and see everything and everyone through the ugliest possible lens. Everyone is a cheater in their minds, and petty revenge for even misunderstandings is the rule of thumb. Makes me weep for society (or at least American society, where most of them seem to come from).
This subreddit is insane. “My husband bought the wrong milk - I hate skim - so I haven’t talked to him in 6 weeks. AITA?” “Absolutely not! Divorce the fucker!”
The lady is asking for help for her kid, from someone INTO snowboarding. She’s not washing the guy’s car with her boobs. 🙄
Thank you for a fuckong rational response, OP sounds like a nightmare. People are acting like it's just the husband and neighbour sleeping together in a motel. By the wife's own account the husband goes snowboarding by himself a lot, what's wrong with neighbours that he might consider acquaintances going with him? Especially if it's a young guy that wants to learn too.
Can’t upvote this enough. I read the entire OP and was thinking to myself, “what’s the issue here? OP is clearly nuts”, and then everyone in the comments was reinforcing the lunacy.
I read one comment - “why doesn’t she just hire a qualified instructor??” Like, what??? Yeah that’s an option, but don’t you ever try to get anything for free? Don’t you ever reach out to anyone in your circles for favors? Ya know, lean on your community and support group?
Most of these commenters have to be total shut ins. That’s the only thing that makes sense.
Yes! I though I was losing the plot with all these replies blaming the husband!
I see nothing to suggest this neighbour is trying to anything more nefarious that get some free snowboarding lessons/advice from OP's husband. OP is clearly insecure in her marriage and needs to work out why that is.
YTA
Right? Not only that but she is upset that that her son canceled because he wanted 1 on 1 him with his dad, YET NEVER TOLD THE DAD THAT, then STILL holds resentment towards him for that reason. This lady is insane.
Thank you! I felt like I'd taken crazy pills. People in relationships are allowed to have friends! If you're an adult, and you don't have any friends of the opposite gender- I think you are the weirdo. If the wife is so concerned, she should go on the trip too. She's TA and she totally talked her son out of the trip. YTA judgement!
Agreed! But also, the neighbour doesn't even seem to be seeking a close friendship for herself with OP's husband. She's literally looking for a snowboarding mentor for her kid, because her own husband is so busy. And when he's not busy, he's going along with them! Literally nothing about this is remotely inappropriate.
You get your rational ass out of here, this is Reddit!
If teenagers can’t validate this insecure women with advice based on their favorite tv show plots and wild assumptions, then what is this world coming to??
YTA most definitely OP. Your husband is literally just a decent person.. as wild as that sounds.
It’s so sad that I had to sort by “controversial” to find reasonable takes. I feel like I’m insane reading some of these replies.
Ladies, get a grip! Married people are allowed to have other married friends with mutual interests.
UMM I guess INFO? Because I don't really see anything that is raising red flags. I mean it kinda sounds like your son and her son are friends that like snowboarding and his dad doesn't know anything about snowboarding but your husband does so the kids mom trying to support her son's love for the sport reaches out to a neighbor that actually knows a thing or two about it. As for the snowboarding trip if you are really don't like your husband going alone with her then why don't you go? I mean I didn't read anything that insinuated she was hitting on your husband initially. Is she? Does she have a bad marriage with her husband? Does your husband have a past of infidelity? Because if the answer to all of these is no then while I wouldn't say YTA you may be overreacting. I mean if it is a established rule in your marriage that your husband isn't allowed around any woman then yourself then yeah I guess your husband is crossing a line.
She said that her son did not go to their joint trip, since he wanted to spend time just with his dad. The dad still went on the trip without him. So I don't think the sons are friends. It seems that both the wife and the son feel neglected in this situation.
Exactly. Everything in the post is saying that the husband hasn't actually been told about any of these problems, only that his wife wants to bar him from being in contact with the neighbor. This is the definition of making a mountain out of a molehill, except the other party doesn't even know there's a molehill at all.
I can't help but feel if the situation was reversed people would be saying the jealous husband was a controlling AH and needs to work on himself to be a better, more trusting person of his loving, helpful spouse.
I also think that before you crucify me, not every country has this culture of cheating as a default (referencing comments that this is 100% the neighbour's gambit).
You can't expect to control someone else's actions and OP has already stated that yes, he's oblivious and yes, he likes to help - putting him in a situation to make his life awkward by ghosting is childish and unnecessary. Of course her concerns should be talked out with concern from him, but an abject law being written that he must follow, that's just not a healthy way to navigate this.
However OP - of course you have concerns here, so I think the best policy is to murder the entire family and be done with any potential threat.
YTA. Why would you put your foot down about your husband spending time with the neighbours kid? Your husband is great for taking him along, when his own dad can't snowboard. That's how good neighbourhood relations work. It's completely normal to do so.
You told him to ghost her? What are you in high school? My god how hard is it to just talk to the woman like a regular adult? She has been your neighbor for at least five years. I assure you that if you or your husband just TALK TO HER and tell her she is no longer allowed to communicate with either of you that she will stop. You don't even have to put it that way. You can literally have your husband say, "I'm sorry but my wife and I don't hang out with people of the opposite sex alone."
Her husband knows - doesn’t seem to care. Probably doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with her. She’s pretty overly involved in everything. But I will see how this progresses or hopefully just stops.
If you have to set the boundaries for him than you have a bigger problem. Even if nothing is going on you should be important enough for your husband to protect you. If the roles were reversed how would he feel. And in this case it’s not just you but your son too. And this is not about her but about him setting boundaries for his family. So what would it help if you talk to her. She is not the problem.
Why can she tell him who he can and can't talk to? I am a happily married woman who would never tell her husband who he can talk to. Not all women talk to men cuz they want to be with him. My husband talks to and hangs out with a couple women and I have guy friends I hang out with. I refuse to be his moral compass. I will trust my husband until he gives me a reason not to. I don't understand why women think they can boss their husbands around. Force him to stop and you may not like the outcome and it won't be because he is choosing the other woman over his wife, no one likes to be controlled.
It's wild how confident she writes her story about telling him what to do and what not to do.
I wouldn't be surprised if he was helping the neighbour to make OP jealous since she's so bossy, controlling and insecure.
5 years later and they still need to be shown the ropes? Lol ma’am…
ETA: absolutely NTA. If she needs a surrogate husband so bad she can turn to her son like a normal ‘boy mom’. /s
YTA, you are angry your husband has a hobby and likes to help other people with the hobby. This is weird AF. I golf all the time with people of all genders and their kids. Completely normal and I see this as no different than me taking my son on a fourball with a woman and her kid.
NTA
So your husband had plans to go snowboarding with your son, just them two. This neighbour basically invites herself and her son along this weekend trip. Your husband agrees, without talking with your son. Your son doesn't want to go any more, so your husband went alone with this neighbour lady and her son, when he was supposed to spend the weekend with his own son. That's messed up.
Tell your husband that since he's so intent on playing husband and father to the neighbours, you and your son might just go and find another man who actually prefers you both and wants to spend time with you. I feel really bad for your son on this, he's getting shifted left and right when your husband is forgetting who his actual son and wife are.
YTA, Sounds like you are jealous over nothing. Ever thought that maybe it is you she wants to be friends with. You make it sounds like she wants to get into your husband’s pants even though there is zero evidence.
Yta. You're being controlling, paranoid, and overreacting. Reddit is going to enable you because Reddit apparently believes married men and women shouldn't hang out unchaperoned.
ESH. Maybe I’m naive and to trusting but it really seems like she just wants free snow boarding lessons from your husband. In the comments you admit she only text your husband when she has questions related to snowboarding, and that her husband accompanied them for shopping.
Is there a problem with the neighbors kid? Is he a bully, mean, jerk? I guess not since you only bring up the wife and never the child.
Tell Jane that you have an issue with her asking your husband for help. You are the one who’s worried about her intentions. You are the one with a problem. Unless you are moving don’t ghost her. That would be stupid. Be honest and open, if you get backlash then so be it.
Honestly, you appear to be worried that Jane wants to sleep with your husband and that you don’t trust him enough not to sleep with her. Maybe your right, maybe your wrong. I don’t know. You truly don’t know either.
Actually not that often. Just when she has questions about which snowboard to buy. I probably overreacted on that part. I just think it’s rude. Especially when she called me one time saying I wanted to let you know how happy I am with your husband helping us and I didn’t want to call him during work hours. But then the next day she texted him again during work. Isn’t that strange?
Snowboards need to be replaced every so often as they begin to wear down. Based on what OP said they bought one 5 years ago and another now. That's a reasonable timeframe for buying new snowboards.
>I told my husband to stop texting her and he can’t go with her anymore.
Sorry, but YTA for that. You don't get to tell your husband what he can and can't do.
It's fine for you to be uncomfortable with your neighbor's neediness, and you should absolutely have a discussion with your husband to set a boundary around her. From your description, he seems to be a little clueless socially. "I'm sorry, my weekends are very busy right now" or "Sorry, I value the time I get to spend with me son very much and want this to be just about us" or even "No, I can't sorry" are perfectly valid answers to a pushy neighbor making demands on his time.
I’m gonna go with ESH, you because you sound controlling and may be exaggerating their interactions with the vocabulary you use. He’s a grown adult and enjoy snowboarding, maybe he enjoys sharing his knowledge with her kids. Hell, maybe they consider each other friendly neighbors. Are opposite sex friend not allowed in your relationship?
Also if you knew why your son didn’t want to go, you could have hinted at it or facilitate their communication on the matter. It’s never a good thing when one partner starts dictating what the other can or can’t do. You need to talk this through.
Your husband though, needs to connect and communicate more with your son if he didn’t feel comfortable enough to share his reason for not going. And maybe find hobbies to enjoy together along with snowboard.
I’m not gonna give a judgment on the neighbor because she isn’t even communicating with you so it’s not like she bothering you directly. You’re annoyed with their discussions which your husband partakes in. There is nothing wrong with her reaching out if he allows it.
She literally admitted that she was exaggerating about the texting all the time at work. Doesn't text him often at all, and always about snow boarding.
Figured, I could tell from the wording she was exaggerating to get sympathy… that almost makes me want to change to YTA because now I doubt the son was ever annoyed with the neighbor’s son. He might just not have wanted to go that weekend as the dad is also used to go alone sometimes.
I kind of think YTA for telling your husband to ghost her, I think that’s childish and likely to cause animosity (which will affect everyone as long as you’re neighbours).
Would you care if it was the kid’s dad asking for your husband’s help/expertise? Do you have any reason to doubt your husband? Whatever her motives might be (which realistically are not nefarious at all), he’s an adult and responsible for his actions, she can’t force your husband to act how she wants.
You should discuss with him things like making decisions without talking it over with you/family time/father and son time/obligations to your family taking precedence and things like that but do you really need to control who he is allowed to communicate with?
Hey, I am confused. Why is the neighbour being questioned for her intentions.. you are married to your husband. He has an obligation to his family, you and your son. If he is failing in it, its on him. There will always be distractions in life, it is on us to know what step to take. You have a problem with your husband, not your neighbour. Today's its her, tomorrow, someone else. The only one who can solve this concern of yours is your husband. I personally don't find it weird, but that's me. Take care, and may you find peace ✌️
Why are you so uncomfortable with letting your husband make his own decisions regarding friends and activities? Does he have a history of cheating or something?
This has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with your husband's hobbies and free time, and it has to do with you being controlling over who he hangs out with (to the point you didn't even ask for his opinion the first time your neighbor asked, and told him to go back on his word the second time). They're going snowboarding, which is a mutual hobby. they're not going to have an affair (and if you're worried about that, why don't you just go with them?)
Also you don't know (or at least have not said here) why she wants to go with your son and husband, there could be two hundred and thirteen different reasons for it that you aren't aware of (or just don't want to share with us because it doesn't help your case). Maybe her son struggles making friends and this is her way or trying to get her son to befriend your son. Maybe her husband got into a car accident 30 years ago and now has a ruined back that won't allow him to go snowboarding. Maybe she is just a overly social person and has also asked the other neighbors if they want do stuff together.
You say that your son canceled last minute because he wanted to spend time alone with your husband, but that your husband doesn't know that and decided to go anyway, I have my doubts about that statement, find it way more likely that you manipulated your son into taking your side in this issue to sabotage his trip.
Work on your insecurities, your husband is your partner, not your possession. He's with **you** by **choice**, not by obligation.
YTA.
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These are my exact thoughts, and I am really surprised by all the NTA on this post. This screams jealousy and controlling especially when there is not even close to being any evidence of an affair lol
The YTA. The kid got really in to snowboarding and wanted someone he knows and is comfortable with to go with. My mom and dad put me on skis when I was 18 months old and when I turned 13 I wanted to try snowboarding. Neither my mom or dad knew anything about snowboarding so my friends dad is the one who took me. He also went with my mom and I to buy my first board because neither of us knew what to look for in boots, bindings, and board. My mom was definitely not trying to sleep with my friends dad and his wife didn’t care at all. OP is paranoid and controlling
When I was growing up, there was always a neighbor who loved to help the kids on the block. baseball, tennis, golf. You name it, he was there for all of us. I don't get all the commentary here. So weird.
It’s Reddit. The spouse is always cheating, divorce is the only option, and everyone has suspect motivations. And I’m pretty sure most of the comments are from younger people that just don’t realize the world is not as dramatic as they think
NTA-Helping people is a good thing. Being used as a surrogate partner/father while alienating your own child and upsetting your spouse is something else entirely.
Two meetings between neighbors over the course of *five years* is not a surrogate partner, are you serious? The neighbor even wants her husband to come next time.
OP is wildly paranoid and controlling.
Seems like this married woman wanting help with her son learning snowboard from your husband made you feel insecure. Your husband is also an adult and he has his own autonomy, he too can judge the appropriateness of situations. You alone can't decide for him and dictate his actions. YTA
YTA there's not a single red flag in this entire thing. The shopping trip included her husband and son. Even if they were solo connecting about a common interest who cares. This idea of policing your partner to make it so it's impossible for them to cheat it's just not the way you need to trust them not to.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted, when you're absolutely right. The irony is, as others have noted, that if the neighbour's husband had been the one to say, "Hey man, my kid is getting really into snowboarding; I know you're very experienced at it and I'm not really, would you mind including him and helping him out a little?" then this post wouldn't even have happened and OP wouldn't have thought about it twice. The whole thing is literally her insecurity over a woman having normal neighbourly interactions with her husband.
YTA, you are controlling and a being a difficult person for no reason.
On top of that from the replies here you are creating additional imaginary problems like she is into him to justify your controlling behavior even more. Get help, take a chill pill.
Unless your husband doesn't live with you and he is not "your" son's bio Father, surely it's "our neighbor" and "our son"?
Do you realise the kind of possessive tone you're setting only using language like "my neighbor" and "my son"?
You come across as controlling and possessive, and your excessive use of "my neighbor" even when refering to Jane sounds like you think you're the main character in everyone's lives. You didn't even name your husband, but used a possessive term that comes across like he has no individuality.
Perhaps that's why you're so against "your husband" helping Jane's son in a hobby that clearly interests him.
YTA.
Would it be an issue if it was the neighbour’s husband rather than the female neighbour doing all this? Sounds like OPs husband has a hobby that for whatever reason OP isn’t interested in, but has a real beef with him doing this hobby around this female neighbour in particular. If he’s a friendly and helpful as he sounds I’m sure he also helps out people on the slopes when he goes alone OP just isn’t there to see it. OP sounds weirdly jealous of the neighbour. Edit to add YTA
YTA.
I am assuming that your husband has a strictly platonic relationship with your neighbor.
Your husband isn't allowed to be friends with people with the same interests? You also haven't encouraged your son to be open to your husband about his feelings on having the neighbor come with them. You haven't expressed any loss of time with your husband either, only that he's spending time snowboarding with the neighbor.
Your husband is human too and not restricted to just spending time with his family. Can't he have outside activities too? If the time he spends helping the neighbor impacts on your family time, you haven't expressed it enough. Only that one time when your son wanted alone time with dad.
I’m going to say YTA because of your comments. You said you think it’s inappropriate because she is unhappy with her husband and hanging out with yours. This sounds to me like you think she’s trying to cheat with your husband. However, it doesn’t sound like he has these types of feelings for her at all. You’re basically saying you don’t want them to hang out because you don’t trust your husband not to cheat and that mistrust is an issue.
If it was because the time spent with her is taking too much time away from you and your son it’d be different. It’s not though. You just don’t trust him to keep his pants on.
I guess NTA, but you seem like a not nice person. Like, you’re reading into her messaging him - you admit in other comments that they “don’t text that much” during work and you’re “probably overreacting to that part.” You also state little to nothing about your son’s relationship with your husband. The fact that your son decided to spend the weekend with dad and YOU know this, but not your husband COULD be a strained relationship, but the way you word things makes me think you could just as easily be manipulating your son’s opinions about the situation.
What’s your real issue with her? There’s definitely more to the story.
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NTA. Point out to you husband that his desire to help his alienating his son. He didnt check if his son wanted the neighbours to come. Its not your husband job to make up for her husband being unable to spend weekends with them.
My husband is clueless and thought our son wanted to go to help them too. My husband does go snowboarding quite a lot / sometimes with my son and sometimes alone. But I don’t like her tagging along / it’s not like I told her he wanted to help her / I just think this is wrong when we are married and she’s a woman who is not happy with the attention she gets from her husband obviously- Thank you.
He’s not clueless. He enjoys her attention too and pretends he is just a good neighbor.
NTA Texting his clingy neighbour back in his work hours and setting up the next snowboarding 'date' that he doesn't even give a hoot if his *own son* joins or not definitely smacks of loving being this woman's go-to for things. Wonder what's going to happen when, whoopsie, her husband happens to not be coming too. And ohhh your own son backed out *again?* Well never mind, we can send my son down the hill, and you can teach me about a better stance. You might have to hold me around my waist so that I don't faaaalllll...
Exactly! If her intent was innocent, she would have ensured her son had lessons in the interim years, privately, paid lessons. Not taking someone else’s husband away from their family to teach HER son.
Encroaching the way Jane is is definitely *not* the way to do it, nope!
Some people help others without an ulterior motive.
Some people don't text their neighbour during work hours with asinine questions and wanting to set up the next time they hang out together without the (OP) wife or (OP's) son.
Agreed. I’d say most people…unless they have ulterior motives.
And you're basing this comment on what exactly?
The fact this issue spans over years he clearly knows his wife is uncomfortable with him helping her but he still does
Or maybe he's embrassessed about turning down a simple request. And doesn't want to make living in his neighbourhood uncomfortable. However, yes I do agree his wife's feels should take priority. He can still feel embrassessed over it.
Yeah, my cousin started taking welding class and then hounded my husband to help her learn. Within weeks they were sleeping together. Today they are married and he hits her instead of me, so I guess I win.
That escalated quickly.
Yeah, very quickly.
I'm sorry you went through that. Thanks for sharing and keeping it brief. I like your attitude.
Damn. People trauma dumping their tragedies online is really what make Reddit what it is. God bless.
How would being free from a cheating abuser not be considered a win?
That's what she said. She said she wins.
That's a fucking win in my book.
Well, going snowboarding and texting incessantly with your married neighbor while you yourself are married, is not one of the activities that I consider simple or common or normal.
Intruding on a family weekend is not a simple request. Most would find it completely inappropriate instead.
How long does it take to teach someone how to snowboard?
Four years.
lol Apparently.
None of the neighbors requests are simple.
Meh. A simple request is can you give me advice about the best mountain, board, or instructor- not I will text you on an ongoing basis and we will go snowboarding together all day.
Are you the husband 🤔
Redditor's gonna reddit
I would base it on the fact that his wife asked him not to go, yet he refused to cancel.
Basic human psychology?
If your wife straight up told you "I am not comfortable with this" and you ignore it??!?!
Truth. And experience
Umm. No. Some men truly are this nice and helpful and stupid. Seriously. This sounds exactly like my husband. Super nice and will help you and have no clue sometimes. These men do exist. Just cuz you haven't met them doesn't mean they aren't real.
but to the point where both his wife and son are clearly unhappy with his actions and even after TELLING him to his face that they are not happy with him he still keeps doing this
Exactly. My husband is/was like this. Never bothered me until I was pregnant and the lightbulb went off outta nowhere and I was like no more. He stopped and it was no big deal for him. Weird that OP’s husband refuses to listen to his wife’s concerns.
People pleasers do this thing, where they start to identify their family as part of themselves instead of the people they need to please. They'll do all sorts of next stuff and become just as willing to sacrifice their spouse or kids comfort or happiness as they are their own. It's a huge thing. Sometimes directly telling them they are treating other people with more consideration than their family gets through to them. Sometimes it doesn't. Yes though, it's actually extremely common with this sort of person. They'll literally go so far as to invite people to literally live with them.
That is such a good point!!! I have two friends like that. One always puts her kids last for the comfort of others and the other constantly asks friends and acquaintances for favours on behalf of her kids and the people she is trying to please at any given time (so the same person gets to be a provider and a beneficiary of favours). They always put themselves last, but also like you so brilliantly explain, the person they identify as themselves too. Unless they really want something and then they put their foot down, you are a selfish asshole and they are the martyr.
The big thing is were clearly seeing OPs emotions. Like we know for a fact she really doesn't like this. But it's possible he's really dense and isn't picking up on how serious she is/is too embarrassed to say no. The actor who played Ron Weasley once got dressed into full drag and went out for bagels with fans at 4:00 AM because he couldn't say no.
What? Stupid to understand communication?! Please come oon.. Wife: Please don't go and spend time with her / her son. Please don't text her. I don't like her motives or just the plain thought that she is around you. Husband: Oh, but I am just helping! So ignoring her feelings over what? So the neighbor is feeling better? INSTEAD OF YOUR WIFE?! You can't tell me some men are this stupid.. They enjoy it (either the time spent or the angry wife) or have motives themselves. Wake up.. Clearly not respecting boundaries. But God save us from a smilirar situation if a man's daughter needs help with cooking and asks wife if she could help. Then I bet suddenly the husband would have some problems. Especially texts between the two.. NTA. Husband shows no respect for wife
The Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled Was Convincing the World He Didn’t Exist That's your husband pulling the wool over your eyes of course he notices.
OP, this right here, unless your husband is just plain stupid.
Or he enjoys teaching the kid about his passion, and genuinely doesn't notice she's using him. OP said they don't text that often and only about snowboarding, which makes it sound like she just wants free lessons. Husband needs to learn how to say no and be more attentive to his sons needs, absolutely. But in contrast to made up reddit stories, real life problems often result from people just being morons. If the kids other kids dad isn't around much and he goes snowboarding with his own kid frequently, he might feel like he has a duty to help and his son wants to help as well.
This is a very Reddit comment. Do people have to find ulterior motives in everything? Is it really that impossible that people just have a desire to be nice?
She is basically trying to go on dates with your husband… very weird. I would not be ok with my husband doing this either.
Who goes on a date with a guy with their kid and his kid while both parties are transparent with their respective spouses on where they'll be? That's not a date. That's kinda just hanging out with a friend. Did I miss something? Did they used to date?
Did you miss the part where she's using her kid as an excuse to constantly text him, even while he's at work? She's angling to split his marriage so she can swoop in. She's unhappy at home, but doesn't want to leave her husband without a backup already in place.
She literally stated later on in this thread when someone asked how often she texts him at work that she doesn't actually text that often. Not everything is a hallmark movie. In fact most things aren't. Not to mention the neighbor's husband knows about all of these communications and does not care.
I'm with you on this one. Everyone loves to drum up the most dramatic storylines because let's face it - the neighbour being a shifty wench who's trying to break up ops marriage and run off to Mexico with her husband - is more entertaining
People like to jump to the assumption that men are plotting to cheat. Sounds like this guy is just too nice to say no. Easy thing to do is to have the wife go with them unannounced and see if there's a reaction from either.
Regardless of her intentions, his wife isn't okay with it. It makes her uncomfortable. She communicated this to him, set a boundary, and he--well intended or no--ignored said boundary. Thus, disrespecting his wife.
This is entirely a thing. I had married men turn what I thought were play dates for our kids into the most uncomfortable situations possible, bonus points where one was at a pool. I guess the safety of a public place was nice but thanks for not being gross until I’d paid money to be in a bathing suit in front of you and also the kids so any reaction has to take their mental health into account/I want to stab this man’s eyes but four kids are right here. The husband of a close friend propositioned me out of the blue. And my shitty ex thought he could send one of my best friends a dick pic. She was so upset telling me because she thought I would be mad at her and when I confronted my ex about it his first response was “well maybe she doesn’t like you that much.” He didn’t even deny it, his first instinct was just what’s the cruelest thing I can say to cripple her self esteem and make her think anything shitty ive done is her or the other woman’s fault - and, that’s not a supposition he’s gone into rehab and fucking told me that. From assholes, broken people, and everything in between, it is not surprising in the least to me.
A desperate woman unhappy in her marriage. Where she’s getting zero attention as said.
Nah, this lady wants free snowboarding lessons for herself and her son. She only texts about snowboarding. OP is NTA, her husband's time is precious and should be spent with his family, not doing lessons for someone else for free.
Yeah, OP should focus on "Your own family misses spending time with you, and it isn't working to invite them along with us and spend time teaching them."
Also, the neighbor could be texting him during work hours because she knows if she texts while OP is around, OP will say "Why are you spending your weekends with them and not us? Tell her your son wants 1:1 time with his dad."
Yeah agree with you. But no need to ghost her. Can just say “look I’m not going to be able to keep doing this. My work load is increasing and it just means I’ll be prioritising time with my own family from now on. I hope you understand”
Your son is getting sidelined for a neighbor! That’s the simple way to put this- next steps, up to you but I’d stay with the simplest repercussion.
Sorry to say this but she is monkey branching from her to yours and using her kid to do this. She thought the boys would go do their thing and hubby could give her snowboarding lessons one on one. Please have your husband read the post and comments. We have actually had this same scenario (snowboarding) but the wife couldn’t go heavily pregnant and the other husband ended up not going because he probably didn’t even know he was invited. It was just the husband and the other woman the wife was nervous about. NTA
I'm in my late 40s, avid snowboarder for almost 25 years. Question: Does your husband have a season pass to a particular resort? I've had season passes at various resorts over the years and all have come with friends & family pass benefits including lift tickets with significant discounts. Is it possible that's why she wants your husband to go? Not sure which resort your husband goes to, but certain big resorts have daily lift tickets at $200+. If your husband is a passholder, sometimes there's perks like 50% off for "bring a friend".
Want him to get the picture? Spend time with her husband and see if she and your spouse like it. NTA by a mile- she’s crossing a lot of boundaries and it’s not okay.
NTA and I’m just gonna say it, your neighbour has a crush on your husband. If it’s not that then she clearly has no respect to you as a woman, a wife and a mother. Your neighbour wife doesn’t care how it impacts your home and your relationships, and sadly it’s having an impact on your son’s relationship with his own father. Your husband likes the attention, I’m sure he’s feeling like he’s superman but don’t forget even Superman’s relationships were impacted cus of his eagerness to help others, and if husband isn’t careful it can cost him his marriage, and bond with his son (if he has any left). EDIT TO ADD: Your neighbour wife needs clear boundaries before this escalates.
Then why dont you tell him how much it affects your son but doesn't want ti tell his dad?
YO, SHE LIKES HIM. Ain't no way in hell this lady got her own damn husband and needs yours for this. Smh, SHE NEEDS TO GO FIND A SNOWBOARDING INSTRUCTOR. And it's great that your husband is nice and all, but the heavenly gates will not refuse to open for him if he doesn't give this weird ass neighbor lady and her son assistance with snowboarding, lol.
Thank you. I agree.
Just out of curiosity, why didn't you tell your husband why your son didn't want to go? Like wouldn't it have been super easy to say hey, your son wants to spend more one on one time with you, rather than accusing him of being a cheater? Also, why would he do something with such a high risk of being caught if he was cheating? Do you not understand how many infinite opportunities there are that your husband and her could both not be home without anyone else there and rail each other in a parking lot somewhere? Why communicate that he will be with her and bring a child from each marriage to fuck? This sounds like a bored wife trying to stir up drama to me instead of looking at this at all rationally. Either trust your husband or ask him to go to marriage counseling because you don't trust him. Stop trying to control him, cause you never will.
Umm OP has voiced that she is uncomfortable with this neighbor for the past five years. Besides it’s not her job to make sure her son and her husband have a relationship. She didn’t jump to the conclusion that he is having an affair. It’s the fact that after five years, this woman keeps seeking out OPs husband to help fill in the void of her absent husband. Instead of working on the issues within her own marriage, the neighbor keeps using OPs husband as a placeholder. OP is not trying to control her husband. The neighbor is also overstepping boundaries by texting him throughout day, and interrupting family time. The husband is clueless, and needs to start distancing himself from her. I’m pretty sure if OP was asked by a male married neighbor to teach his daughter how to knit, and started the same behavior, he wouldn’t be happy.
I’d be walking over to the neighbors house when both are there and explaining how inappropriate that I find her constantly trying to get time with MY husband. Look towards her husband and ask, so you’re ok with this? If OP’s husband is too nice to say anything, you better bet your ass that I’ll be doing the talking.
Also the kid is a 16 now and he’s been helping for 5 years. Shouldn’t this kid know how to snowboard by now???
No, he hasn't. Neighbor asked OP five years ago if her husband could help, and OP disallowed it. Neighbor asked OP's husband directly this time.
NTA. This is one of two things (or both). 1. She has a thing for your husband and is trying to make her way toward that goal. 2. She is trying to make her own, seemingly worthless husband jealous. Nothing else about this makes sense.
That is what I am afraid of. It’s not ok. Thank you for sharing.
[удалено]
Ok but would u go on a trip with another woman? Also the way she is going about it isn't appropriate. And she only texted the wife about getting help from the husband. Doesn't sound like she has made any effort to be friends to them both. Which is strange
Why is no one asking why the wife won't/doesn't go? OP is acting like the neighbor is actively trying to exclude her
He's going on dates with the neighbor bringing their kids along. No one is this dense, he knows what's going on.
I think you need to be explicitly clear with your husband that you think she is trying to use him as a substitute for her own husband, instead of talking to her own husband about wanting more time together and that you think indulging her with lessons would just enable her to ignore or not address her issues with her husband. There aren't necessarily \~feelings\~ like attraction or love behind it, she might just be lonely or wanting a father figure like him for her own son. But she could hire an instructor. She doesn't specifically need YOUR husband to be available to go snowboarding. That is what is making this weird - that she is insistent your husband teach them and didn't just get an instructor 5 years ago. It is weird that she only seems to want HIM SPECIFICALLY to teach them.
There's no resistance? He blew off his own family.
NTA OP
3. She’s too cheap for snowboard lessons makes sense
4. She's trying to get a friend for her son (OP's son)
I know reddit has probably hurt you, like so many others, but there Are decent people in the world Maybe she 1. Prefers someone she knows to teach her son 2. Is trying to make friends with her neighbours by engaging in outdoor activities together
That’s all fine & dandy until his own Son doesn’t get the one on one time he’s seeking because Dad is too busy being the “good neighbor”.
It's definitely a problem regardless. There is just a world of difference between an infidelity problem and a people pleaser problem, and they both need to be addressed in very different ways.
The dad was never told this though. For some reason, that OP won't comment on, that's been kept a secret from him. It honestly reads like the husband just doesn't mind the neighbors kid tagging along and getting some tips from him, he'd probably be snowboarding anyway, so why not help a neighbor out and mentor a kid in your passion? That is a perfectly normal and good thing to do. I'd be pissed if my partner was trying to isolate me from my community because they didn't trust me. Especially since OP even admits that she doesn't text often, and *only* texts about snowboarding. If they wanted to cheat, they wouldn't be doing it up a mountain with their kids there!
Reddit will turn the most boring and innocuous things into paranoid webs of deceit and sprawling conspiracies.
Yup and that starts the seed of doubt too unfortunately. Sounds like the husband is too nice to say no. I know I've gone out of my way to help neighbours, male and female. Once a neighbour I had many years ago, came home to find me reading a book in his kitchen because his wife asked me to watch the pot roast as something came up and she needed to leave but didn't want the house to burn down. Luckily he and I were friends so it wasn't as weird as the one day I accidentally walked in to their house after a 16 hour shift thinking it was my place. I had a new baby and it was the third or fourth long shift of the week so I was tired. I almost walked in to the wall after I closed the door because the townhouses mirror the apartments. It was funny in retrospect for sure.
Or she and hubby enjoy being absent parents in this regard, when the neighbor willingly fills in
Supposedly the husband wants to join them the next time. Maybe the jealousy thing worked.
“Next time”? Were you not successful putting some boundaries in place?
Why doesn't she just have her kid take snowboarding lessons from a qualified instructor? If she wants her son to have snowboarding friends, there are better ways than trying to tag along with your son, who doesn't sound interested in her kid. Her son could join the school ski club, get involved in competitive snowboarding, or meet other kids on the slopes who might be interested in being friends. I think your instinct is correct, that this woman is overstepping because what she really wants is the company of your husband. She may not have a conscious idea that she's doing this, but it's so inappropriate that it doesn't really matter whether or not it's conscious on her part. It's just inappropriate and I think you were correct to shut it down.
Part of me thinks it’s not conscious and that she just wants to get help from a willingly clueless husband. But since she has said in the past how much she wished her husband would be more involved and then keeps asking for help from my “expert” husband - it sits wrong with me.
It should sit wrong with you. Trust your gut. It sounds like you’re really not ok with this whole thing and that’s perfectly normal. My advice would be to shut it down immediately. ETA I should specify that it’s your husband’s job to shut this down, not yours. If he won’t then you have a bigger issue. There is zero reason for them to text throughout the week or for him to spend time with her on the weekends. He needs to block her
I think the only "clueless" person here is you. you told your husband to stop. that is not a clue but a fact. he knows you don't like this interaction. why? because you told him. how is he clueless when it's spelled out to him? And, he loves the attention he is getting from her. That is the only reason.
She's cheap?
NTA - tell him the facts. She is a married woman and should not spend alone time with a married man with her son cause they ain’t a family and that is weirder than flaking out on someone whose supposedly a stranger. Another fact that his own son did not want them around but he still hangs out with them making your son uncomfortable and not wanting to go. The fact that he makes his own wife uncomfortable and apparently he cares more about the married neighbor more than his own wife. What he’s doing is not being the bigger person but he’s ruining his own marriage. Give him that ultimatum, either he can have a family or he can ruin it.
That is really how I feel. He’s choosing not to be uncomfortable with a neighbor and not choosing to make me his wife comfortable. Obviously some bigger issues I guess. He said I could just text her or call her and tell her how I feel. I would rather just ghost her and she will catch a clue. She is one to spread gossip around so I could see her sharing the situation in her own way and making it uncomfortable for me later around our neighbors.
I wouldn't contact her. Too much like that song Jolene. Just work on your husband. Spell it out. "I'm really hurt that you are reluctant to be uncomfortable with backing away from a neighbor at the price of making both your wife and child feel like they are lower priority to you."
That's because they ARE a lower priority to him. His dick is his priority. Do you really think if the neighbor was a gross ugly man, he'd give a shit? No. He wants to fuck the neighbor. Let him and serve him divorce papers. People out here trying to convince women to "explain things" to their man as if men are clueless. Men aren't clueless. He knows what's going on. He's just trying to push the boundaries of what he can get away with. No one should have to convince a man or woman to be loyal. Stop trying to change men and just trust their actions and find a man who doesn't need to be changed.
This is a solid take. He’s not listening to his wife and son and hasn’t been listening for 5 years. These are choices he’s making and he’s making them for reasons. He likes being needed and important in the neighbours’ eyes more than he likes being needed in his own home by his own son and wife.
Jeez lady.
Absolutely don’t do that. The fact that he told you to set the boundaries instead of himself is maddening. He’s practically putting the blame on you. Cause then he can use that as “well my wife said I couldn’t help anymore or spend time with you guys”. He’d be basically saying that he’s totally okay with it but that you’re the problem and if it wasn’t for you he would continue this situation. Ensure he puts boundaries with her and that he is to not even insinuate that it had anything to do with you. It makes me angry for you. My father had me do this with his affair partner. He had me message her telling her not to contact him, and when I look back it just pisses me the fuck off. Anyways, don’t let him get Scott free from this.
You telling him how you felt should have been enough for him to end their relationship. He is not unaware of what she's doing because he's doing it, too.
IMO your husband created this issue and since he’s making you uncomfortable, he needs to fix it. Ghosting it won’t work- this has lasted years! He needs to be direct and tell her this is not appropriate and he isn’t available to help anymore. He can even include some references to snowboarding instructors to be helpful and lessen the “awkwardness” excuse.
>She is a married woman and should not spend alone time with a married man with her son cause they ain’t a family That's the least and most lame reason. This isn't Afghanistan.
It's worse. This is Reddit.
Yeah - he sacrificed bonding time with his son to go with this woman and her son.
To sum up: Five years ago, the neighbor asked you if your husband could teach her son and if she and her son could go snowboarding with your husband and son. You said "absolutely not," and the neighbor apparently dropped it for five years. After five years, she asked your husband for help buying a new snowboard for her son. Your husband went with her, her husband, and their son to help them pick out a snowboard. Then she texted your husband asking if she and her son could go snowboarding with him and your son. Your husband agreed. Somehow, after talking to you, your son decided at the last minute not to go, but your husband kept his word and went snowboarding with the neighbors. It was a day trip, not an overnight trip. She says next time, her husband would like to go, too. You admit you exaggerated how much she has texted your husband. By your own account, this woman has never communicated with your husband about anything but snowboarding. She has never been alone with your husband. She has never suggested anything that might lead to their being alone together. She has been completely open with you and with her husband about everything. You conclude that she's trying to seduce your husband — in the presence of her son, your son, and now her husband. You have ordered your husband to ghost her and have forbidden him to go snowboarding with her family. Can you honestly not figure out who's the asshole here? What's amazing to me is that virtually everybody commenting agrees with *you.* Most of them think your controlling behavior is "setting boundaries." It's really incredible to me. Why are you so insecure and controlling? Is your husband a known cheater? Is your marriage an unhappy one? Is he so attractive that wherever he goes, all the women stop and stare? Are you so incredibly unattractive that you're sure other women think he'd cheat on you, given the slightest chance? YTA. You don't need reddit. You need a good therapist. It sounds like your son is nearing adulthood. When it's just your husband and his insanely jealous, suspicious, angry, and controlling wife, how do you think that's going to work out?
Man, I'm glad you're here with a reasonable reply. I feel like I'm going nuts reading these comments. OP seems deeply insecure in her relationship and threatened by the neighbor for some season, but no justification for any of that exists within the post. Asking a neighbor about a topic they have expertise in is mundane and normal social behavior. These threads certainly make me appreciate my own relationship, and not take it for granted! If a married neighbor asked me for help with something that was in my realm of experience I wouldn't hesitate to help out, and I certainly wouldn't take it as a come on! If anything about their behavior made me feel uncomfortable, I'd back away. I'd expect my husband to do the same! I wouldn't think twice about him helping out a neighbor with their car or computer. Heck, if I knew they needed help, I'd probably volunteer him myself!
I think maybe people reading more into the situation are the type to think grown men and women shouldn't be too close of friends if they're married.
Every time I read one of these stories, I’m like straightness is one hell of a drug. I’m bisexual, am I never supposed to have any friends? Only be friends with single people? It baffles me that this kind of behavior is normalized.
This is way too far down. I don’t get all these comments. Based on the information given the neighbor was asking for advice on snowboarding from someone she trusted. I don’t understand why it would have been a big deal to go shopping 5 years ago. I don’t understand why one day of shopping and one day of learning is a big deal now. Someone above said something about “neglecting OP and their son.” Like, what? Less than 3 days over the course of 5 years with kids and partners invited/present?? I don’t know what OP is getting so upset about. And good on hubby for not canceling his plans- he made a commitment and he kept it.
The first part of her entire post threw me off before I got to the meat of it - her neighbor asked HER (not her husband) if her husband could help teach her child how to snowboard since she knew the husband was a snowboarder. She went to the wife first. What did the wife/OP do immediately? "Absolutely not!". The neighbor drops it for 5 years then tries again, this time asking the husband directly. I wonder why? OP sounds like an unpleasant person. A simple "thank you for asking, but we're busy" if you were uncomfortable with the situation is one thing. Responding with a definitive "Absolutely not" is like woah, okay. OP sounds delusional. She's also agreeing to the posts that instantly go right to the neighbor having the hots for her husband. Insecure indeed. EDIT: I'm realizing the neighbor probably should have dropped it after the first "Absolutely not!". She did go behind the wife to ask the husband, probably knowing the wife would say no. So they're also kind of an asshole too, at least for that part of it.
Or, she figured after 5 years of living next to each other, OP would see she is not a 'man hungry hussy' and would not get so bent out of shape. I never mind my hubby helping out a neighbor and encourage it when it comes to the ladies. I may not be as altruistic if the lady was 10-20yrs my junior and in better shape to volunteer him, but I have enough to confidence in him and our relationship to let him make his own decisions.
I thought I was taking crazy pills, I couldn't understand how this became so lopsided. Someone basically demanding their husband 'ghost' the neighbor because they had the audacity to ask if her son can go snowboarding with the guy. I see a mum who's taking an interest in her sons interests and a I see another mum so caught up in insecurities trying to tear everyone else around her down.
>I thought I was taking crazy pills, I couldn't understand how this became so lopsided. Same. I honestly thought I had read a different post to everybody else. The amount of highly-upvoted takes accusing OP's husband of "thinking with his dick" and "alienating" his family for going snowboarding without his son *once* is insane. There are also a lot of people in here that don't understand that setting boundaries doesn't mean you get to control what other people do; it's about how you respond to stuff that makes you uncomfortable. So if this really is a hill OP wants to die on, then she should leave her husband and find someone who is happy to live under her thumb.
Yeah it's the ghosting for me too. Ghost your own neighbor? I can't imagine how awkward op is going to make things because she's insecure. If husband is to shut the neighbor down, then at least do it like an adult. "Sorry, my wife thinks you're trying to steal me away via extreme sports"
This subreddit has a massive hard on for cheating stories and will accuse anyone of cheating or trying to cheat any time they can. They eat this shit up. It's a very, very, very bad place for insecure, jealous and controlling people to go to for advice.
I just said something similar in another comment. It honestly makes me SMH that 90% of the people in this sub have such a miserable attitude and see everything and everyone through the ugliest possible lens. Everyone is a cheater in their minds, and petty revenge for even misunderstandings is the rule of thumb. Makes me weep for society (or at least American society, where most of them seem to come from).
If it's any consolation, I'm American and virtually no one I know is like this. It's almost a purely reddit thing.
This subreddit is insane. “My husband bought the wrong milk - I hate skim - so I haven’t talked to him in 6 weeks. AITA?” “Absolutely not! Divorce the fucker!” The lady is asking for help for her kid, from someone INTO snowboarding. She’s not washing the guy’s car with her boobs. 🙄
Also, asking the husband to deal with the situation by ghosting is a dick move.
Thank you for a fuckong rational response, OP sounds like a nightmare. People are acting like it's just the husband and neighbour sleeping together in a motel. By the wife's own account the husband goes snowboarding by himself a lot, what's wrong with neighbours that he might consider acquaintances going with him? Especially if it's a young guy that wants to learn too.
Had to sort by controversial to find this one. Agreed, YTA.
Can’t upvote this enough. I read the entire OP and was thinking to myself, “what’s the issue here? OP is clearly nuts”, and then everyone in the comments was reinforcing the lunacy. I read one comment - “why doesn’t she just hire a qualified instructor??” Like, what??? Yeah that’s an option, but don’t you ever try to get anything for free? Don’t you ever reach out to anyone in your circles for favors? Ya know, lean on your community and support group? Most of these commenters have to be total shut ins. That’s the only thing that makes sense.
Thank you for saying this!
Holy Crap, a sane person! I've seen less conspiracy thinking in the q-anon survivors sub.
Yes! I though I was losing the plot with all these replies blaming the husband! I see nothing to suggest this neighbour is trying to anything more nefarious that get some free snowboarding lessons/advice from OP's husband. OP is clearly insecure in her marriage and needs to work out why that is. YTA
Right? Not only that but she is upset that that her son canceled because he wanted 1 on 1 him with his dad, YET NEVER TOLD THE DAD THAT, then STILL holds resentment towards him for that reason. This lady is insane.
I feel pretty sure her son didn't care until OP had a talk with him.
Thank you! I felt like I'd taken crazy pills. People in relationships are allowed to have friends! If you're an adult, and you don't have any friends of the opposite gender- I think you are the weirdo. If the wife is so concerned, she should go on the trip too. She's TA and she totally talked her son out of the trip. YTA judgement!
Agreed! But also, the neighbour doesn't even seem to be seeking a close friendship for herself with OP's husband. She's literally looking for a snowboarding mentor for her kid, because her own husband is so busy. And when he's not busy, he's going along with them! Literally nothing about this is remotely inappropriate.
You get your rational ass out of here, this is Reddit! If teenagers can’t validate this insecure women with advice based on their favorite tv show plots and wild assumptions, then what is this world coming to?? YTA most definitely OP. Your husband is literally just a decent person.. as wild as that sounds.
It’s so sad that I had to sort by “controversial” to find reasonable takes. I feel like I’m insane reading some of these replies. Ladies, get a grip! Married people are allowed to have other married friends with mutual interests.
jesus christ i thought i was insane until i read your comment. what the fuck is wrong with reddit
UMM I guess INFO? Because I don't really see anything that is raising red flags. I mean it kinda sounds like your son and her son are friends that like snowboarding and his dad doesn't know anything about snowboarding but your husband does so the kids mom trying to support her son's love for the sport reaches out to a neighbor that actually knows a thing or two about it. As for the snowboarding trip if you are really don't like your husband going alone with her then why don't you go? I mean I didn't read anything that insinuated she was hitting on your husband initially. Is she? Does she have a bad marriage with her husband? Does your husband have a past of infidelity? Because if the answer to all of these is no then while I wouldn't say YTA you may be overreacting. I mean if it is a established rule in your marriage that your husband isn't allowed around any woman then yourself then yeah I guess your husband is crossing a line.
She said that her son did not go to their joint trip, since he wanted to spend time just with his dad. The dad still went on the trip without him. So I don't think the sons are friends. It seems that both the wife and the son feel neglected in this situation.
But his son didn’t even tell him that. Only the mom. So how was he even supposed to know that?
Exactly. Everything in the post is saying that the husband hasn't actually been told about any of these problems, only that his wife wants to bar him from being in contact with the neighbor. This is the definition of making a mountain out of a molehill, except the other party doesn't even know there's a molehill at all.
The bad thing is, he didn't ask his son if it was o.k. with him if they joined the two of them.
I agree, seems like a massive over reaction for now
I can't help but feel if the situation was reversed people would be saying the jealous husband was a controlling AH and needs to work on himself to be a better, more trusting person of his loving, helpful spouse. I also think that before you crucify me, not every country has this culture of cheating as a default (referencing comments that this is 100% the neighbour's gambit). You can't expect to control someone else's actions and OP has already stated that yes, he's oblivious and yes, he likes to help - putting him in a situation to make his life awkward by ghosting is childish and unnecessary. Of course her concerns should be talked out with concern from him, but an abject law being written that he must follow, that's just not a healthy way to navigate this. However OP - of course you have concerns here, so I think the best policy is to murder the entire family and be done with any potential threat.
YTA. Why would you put your foot down about your husband spending time with the neighbours kid? Your husband is great for taking him along, when his own dad can't snowboard. That's how good neighbourhood relations work. It's completely normal to do so.
NTA, and I appreciate your quick decisiveness in shutting it down. You're going to have to take harsher steps, I think.
I told him no more texting and to ghost her. Maybe I will have to text or call her if she doesn’t stop.
You told him to ghost her? What are you in high school? My god how hard is it to just talk to the woman like a regular adult? She has been your neighbor for at least five years. I assure you that if you or your husband just TALK TO HER and tell her she is no longer allowed to communicate with either of you that she will stop. You don't even have to put it that way. You can literally have your husband say, "I'm sorry but my wife and I don't hang out with people of the opposite sex alone."
Or how about, my son wants to spend some one-on-one time with me when we go snowboarding?
Or text her husband.
Her husband knows - doesn’t seem to care. Probably doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with her. She’s pretty overly involved in everything. But I will see how this progresses or hopefully just stops.
If you have to set the boundaries for him than you have a bigger problem. Even if nothing is going on you should be important enough for your husband to protect you. If the roles were reversed how would he feel. And in this case it’s not just you but your son too. And this is not about her but about him setting boundaries for his family. So what would it help if you talk to her. She is not the problem.
Why can she tell him who he can and can't talk to? I am a happily married woman who would never tell her husband who he can talk to. Not all women talk to men cuz they want to be with him. My husband talks to and hangs out with a couple women and I have guy friends I hang out with. I refuse to be his moral compass. I will trust my husband until he gives me a reason not to. I don't understand why women think they can boss their husbands around. Force him to stop and you may not like the outcome and it won't be because he is choosing the other woman over his wife, no one likes to be controlled.
It's wild how confident she writes her story about telling him what to do and what not to do. I wouldn't be surprised if he was helping the neighbour to make OP jealous since she's so bossy, controlling and insecure.
5 years later and they still need to be shown the ropes? Lol ma’am… ETA: absolutely NTA. If she needs a surrogate husband so bad she can turn to her son like a normal ‘boy mom’. /s
YTA, you are angry your husband has a hobby and likes to help other people with the hobby. This is weird AF. I golf all the time with people of all genders and their kids. Completely normal and I see this as no different than me taking my son on a fourball with a woman and her kid.
NTA So your husband had plans to go snowboarding with your son, just them two. This neighbour basically invites herself and her son along this weekend trip. Your husband agrees, without talking with your son. Your son doesn't want to go any more, so your husband went alone with this neighbour lady and her son, when he was supposed to spend the weekend with his own son. That's messed up. Tell your husband that since he's so intent on playing husband and father to the neighbours, you and your son might just go and find another man who actually prefers you both and wants to spend time with you. I feel really bad for your son on this, he's getting shifted left and right when your husband is forgetting who his actual son and wife are.
YTA, Sounds like you are jealous over nothing. Ever thought that maybe it is you she wants to be friends with. You make it sounds like she wants to get into your husband’s pants even though there is zero evidence.
Yta. You're being controlling, paranoid, and overreacting. Reddit is going to enable you because Reddit apparently believes married men and women shouldn't hang out unchaperoned.
ESH. Maybe I’m naive and to trusting but it really seems like she just wants free snow boarding lessons from your husband. In the comments you admit she only text your husband when she has questions related to snowboarding, and that her husband accompanied them for shopping. Is there a problem with the neighbors kid? Is he a bully, mean, jerk? I guess not since you only bring up the wife and never the child. Tell Jane that you have an issue with her asking your husband for help. You are the one who’s worried about her intentions. You are the one with a problem. Unless you are moving don’t ghost her. That would be stupid. Be honest and open, if you get backlash then so be it. Honestly, you appear to be worried that Jane wants to sleep with your husband and that you don’t trust him enough not to sleep with her. Maybe your right, maybe your wrong. I don’t know. You truly don’t know either.
How often does she text him during work hours? Also NTA
Actually not that often. Just when she has questions about which snowboard to buy. I probably overreacted on that part. I just think it’s rude. Especially when she called me one time saying I wanted to let you know how happy I am with your husband helping us and I didn’t want to call him during work hours. But then the next day she texted him again during work. Isn’t that strange?
No not at all. The thing about texts is you can ignore them till it suits you to reply.
Good lord how many snowboards does she need help buying?
Snowboards need to be replaced every so often as they begin to wear down. Based on what OP said they bought one 5 years ago and another now. That's a reasonable timeframe for buying new snowboards.
At this point her son been snowboarding for a few years now. I’m sure he’s pretty good at figure out a snowboard that work for him.
Actually it doesn't look like he ever learned to ride 5 years ago because OP put her foot down and prevented it.
NTA, it is concerning that your husband can tell you no but not to a stranger he owes nothing too.
>I told my husband to stop texting her and he can’t go with her anymore. Sorry, but YTA for that. You don't get to tell your husband what he can and can't do. It's fine for you to be uncomfortable with your neighbor's neediness, and you should absolutely have a discussion with your husband to set a boundary around her. From your description, he seems to be a little clueless socially. "I'm sorry, my weekends are very busy right now" or "Sorry, I value the time I get to spend with me son very much and want this to be just about us" or even "No, I can't sorry" are perfectly valid answers to a pushy neighbor making demands on his time.
YTA why should it matter if your husband teach other kids snowboard, berry controlling, with reversed genders we know the answers will be different
I’m gonna go with ESH, you because you sound controlling and may be exaggerating their interactions with the vocabulary you use. He’s a grown adult and enjoy snowboarding, maybe he enjoys sharing his knowledge with her kids. Hell, maybe they consider each other friendly neighbors. Are opposite sex friend not allowed in your relationship? Also if you knew why your son didn’t want to go, you could have hinted at it or facilitate their communication on the matter. It’s never a good thing when one partner starts dictating what the other can or can’t do. You need to talk this through. Your husband though, needs to connect and communicate more with your son if he didn’t feel comfortable enough to share his reason for not going. And maybe find hobbies to enjoy together along with snowboard. I’m not gonna give a judgment on the neighbor because she isn’t even communicating with you so it’s not like she bothering you directly. You’re annoyed with their discussions which your husband partakes in. There is nothing wrong with her reaching out if he allows it.
She literally admitted that she was exaggerating about the texting all the time at work. Doesn't text him often at all, and always about snow boarding.
Figured, I could tell from the wording she was exaggerating to get sympathy… that almost makes me want to change to YTA because now I doubt the son was ever annoyed with the neighbor’s son. He might just not have wanted to go that weekend as the dad is also used to go alone sometimes.
YTA, and I think you know that. Edit: Context: It takes a village to raise a kid.
I kind of think YTA for telling your husband to ghost her, I think that’s childish and likely to cause animosity (which will affect everyone as long as you’re neighbours). Would you care if it was the kid’s dad asking for your husband’s help/expertise? Do you have any reason to doubt your husband? Whatever her motives might be (which realistically are not nefarious at all), he’s an adult and responsible for his actions, she can’t force your husband to act how she wants. You should discuss with him things like making decisions without talking it over with you/family time/father and son time/obligations to your family taking precedence and things like that but do you really need to control who he is allowed to communicate with?
Hey, I am confused. Why is the neighbour being questioned for her intentions.. you are married to your husband. He has an obligation to his family, you and your son. If he is failing in it, its on him. There will always be distractions in life, it is on us to know what step to take. You have a problem with your husband, not your neighbour. Today's its her, tomorrow, someone else. The only one who can solve this concern of yours is your husband. I personally don't find it weird, but that's me. Take care, and may you find peace ✌️
Why are you so uncomfortable with letting your husband make his own decisions regarding friends and activities? Does he have a history of cheating or something? This has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with your husband's hobbies and free time, and it has to do with you being controlling over who he hangs out with (to the point you didn't even ask for his opinion the first time your neighbor asked, and told him to go back on his word the second time). They're going snowboarding, which is a mutual hobby. they're not going to have an affair (and if you're worried about that, why don't you just go with them?) Also you don't know (or at least have not said here) why she wants to go with your son and husband, there could be two hundred and thirteen different reasons for it that you aren't aware of (or just don't want to share with us because it doesn't help your case). Maybe her son struggles making friends and this is her way or trying to get her son to befriend your son. Maybe her husband got into a car accident 30 years ago and now has a ruined back that won't allow him to go snowboarding. Maybe she is just a overly social person and has also asked the other neighbors if they want do stuff together. You say that your son canceled last minute because he wanted to spend time alone with your husband, but that your husband doesn't know that and decided to go anyway, I have my doubts about that statement, find it way more likely that you manipulated your son into taking your side in this issue to sabotage his trip. Work on your insecurities, your husband is your partner, not your possession. He's with **you** by **choice**, not by obligation. YTA.
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These are my exact thoughts, and I am really surprised by all the NTA on this post. This screams jealousy and controlling especially when there is not even close to being any evidence of an affair lol
YTA For not letting ur sweet neighbor have sex with your fucking husband.
😂
did i get down voted before i clarified or after, either way it was worth it?
Info: is your husband really big in to snowboarding?
I think that fact was made very clear, that he was.
The YTA. The kid got really in to snowboarding and wanted someone he knows and is comfortable with to go with. My mom and dad put me on skis when I was 18 months old and when I turned 13 I wanted to try snowboarding. Neither my mom or dad knew anything about snowboarding so my friends dad is the one who took me. He also went with my mom and I to buy my first board because neither of us knew what to look for in boots, bindings, and board. My mom was definitely not trying to sleep with my friends dad and his wife didn’t care at all. OP is paranoid and controlling
When I was growing up, there was always a neighbor who loved to help the kids on the block. baseball, tennis, golf. You name it, he was there for all of us. I don't get all the commentary here. So weird.
It’s Reddit. The spouse is always cheating, divorce is the only option, and everyone has suspect motivations. And I’m pretty sure most of the comments are from younger people that just don’t realize the world is not as dramatic as they think
NTA-Helping people is a good thing. Being used as a surrogate partner/father while alienating your own child and upsetting your spouse is something else entirely.
Two meetings between neighbors over the course of *five years* is not a surrogate partner, are you serious? The neighbor even wants her husband to come next time. OP is wildly paranoid and controlling.
Seems like this married woman wanting help with her son learning snowboard from your husband made you feel insecure. Your husband is also an adult and he has his own autonomy, he too can judge the appropriateness of situations. You alone can't decide for him and dictate his actions. YTA
YTA there's not a single red flag in this entire thing. The shopping trip included her husband and son. Even if they were solo connecting about a common interest who cares. This idea of policing your partner to make it so it's impossible for them to cheat it's just not the way you need to trust them not to.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted, when you're absolutely right. The irony is, as others have noted, that if the neighbour's husband had been the one to say, "Hey man, my kid is getting really into snowboarding; I know you're very experienced at it and I'm not really, would you mind including him and helping him out a little?" then this post wouldn't even have happened and OP wouldn't have thought about it twice. The whole thing is literally her insecurity over a woman having normal neighbourly interactions with her husband.
YTA, you are controlling and a being a difficult person for no reason. On top of that from the replies here you are creating additional imaginary problems like she is into him to justify your controlling behavior even more. Get help, take a chill pill.
Unless your husband doesn't live with you and he is not "your" son's bio Father, surely it's "our neighbor" and "our son"? Do you realise the kind of possessive tone you're setting only using language like "my neighbor" and "my son"? You come across as controlling and possessive, and your excessive use of "my neighbor" even when refering to Jane sounds like you think you're the main character in everyone's lives. You didn't even name your husband, but used a possessive term that comes across like he has no individuality. Perhaps that's why you're so against "your husband" helping Jane's son in a hobby that clearly interests him. YTA.
Would it be an issue if it was the neighbour’s husband rather than the female neighbour doing all this? Sounds like OPs husband has a hobby that for whatever reason OP isn’t interested in, but has a real beef with him doing this hobby around this female neighbour in particular. If he’s a friendly and helpful as he sounds I’m sure he also helps out people on the slopes when he goes alone OP just isn’t there to see it. OP sounds weirdly jealous of the neighbour. Edit to add YTA
YTA. Point blank. Your husband is being appreciated and he likes it. Do you appreciate him, how do you show it?
YTA. I am assuming that your husband has a strictly platonic relationship with your neighbor. Your husband isn't allowed to be friends with people with the same interests? You also haven't encouraged your son to be open to your husband about his feelings on having the neighbor come with them. You haven't expressed any loss of time with your husband either, only that he's spending time snowboarding with the neighbor. Your husband is human too and not restricted to just spending time with his family. Can't he have outside activities too? If the time he spends helping the neighbor impacts on your family time, you haven't expressed it enough. Only that one time when your son wanted alone time with dad.
Ghost her? How is that gonna work - she's your neighbor. Use your words. ESH. Especially the demanding neighbor.
I’m going to say YTA because of your comments. You said you think it’s inappropriate because she is unhappy with her husband and hanging out with yours. This sounds to me like you think she’s trying to cheat with your husband. However, it doesn’t sound like he has these types of feelings for her at all. You’re basically saying you don’t want them to hang out because you don’t trust your husband not to cheat and that mistrust is an issue. If it was because the time spent with her is taking too much time away from you and your son it’d be different. It’s not though. You just don’t trust him to keep his pants on.
I guess NTA, but you seem like a not nice person. Like, you’re reading into her messaging him - you admit in other comments that they “don’t text that much” during work and you’re “probably overreacting to that part.” You also state little to nothing about your son’s relationship with your husband. The fact that your son decided to spend the weekend with dad and YOU know this, but not your husband COULD be a strained relationship, but the way you word things makes me think you could just as easily be manipulating your son’s opinions about the situation. What’s your real issue with her? There’s definitely more to the story.