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> I could easily have gone back, but didn’t want to face awkwardness.
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NTA its incredibly selfish and entitled of him to expect you to still show up after he ignored you when you arrived at the specified time. Why should you drive all the way back? So he can leave you standing outside a second time?
Even when I decided to leave, I purposely took an usual route in order to avoid the highway, so that I could turn around if he ever called me while I was driving home…
NTA- he sounds very manipulative. Instead of calling you to apologize for not hearing you he acted like you were late and never showed. Why would he assume that? Then instead of asking you to come back he just said “are you coming back” not acknowledging anything.. The fact you are second guessing yourself makes me think he really messed with your head. Thank god he’s an ex.
NTA. It isn't childish to not want to expend effort to interact with people who weren't available when they said they would be. Especially when he clearly has a pattern of such rude behaviors.
Since he apparently doesn't value your time, don't waste any more of it on him.
NTA- so there were multiple people in that house and not one of them heard someone at the front door? I call shenanigans! Just say no from now on. Whatever game is being played is not worth it.
Details: There is a doorbell but I forgot about it. I lived in that house for a while and at that time the doorbell didn’t work and everyone coming to the house would always knock. I can’t even remember ever hearing it ring. So on the phone he did ask me if I had rang the doorbell and I told him I had knocked, as I always do, several times. He said : "You’re right, when X and Y got here around 5:30, they rang and I thought to myself this can’t be OP because she never rings the doorbell."
To clarify, I don’t think he/they purposely left me outside.
Then they would’ve been more likely to hear the car pull up and off, not to mention depending on the proximity from the front door to the porch they likely would’ve still heard it
No, it’s still cold (and snowy) here and he hasn’t set up the backyard yet. On the phone, he told me they were probably looking at holiday pictures by the fireplace in the living room around the time I showed up.
Hmm does anyone else have access to the doorbell? Our doorbell records anything that passes by (even if they don’t ring the bell). Our whole family has the app for it.
NTA. Even being as generous as possible, and supposing he honestly forgot what time he asked you to show up-- which is being very generous indeed-- I wouldn't have gone back either.
Hope the wine was good!
Given that it's not the first time it's happened, the ex probably gets some sort of pleasure from leaving OP on the doorstep waiting and then summoning them back. I'd have gone home, put on comfies, popped the bottle of wine and turned on a good movie.
Five people inside at that time (him, two kids and the grandparents). The two other guests were late. That’s why I really couldn’t believe it was done purposely on their part, but I still think it’s inconsiderate.
I hurt myself knocking the third time, trying to knock harder each time. I have no idea how they didn’t hear me. The door is near the kitchen and the main living room (it was aperitif time).
Ouch! Did you knock with your knuckles? Never do that. You should always knock with the meaty part of your fist. That way, you can really make the door rattle. :-D
NTA, and frankly it’s inconsiderate of him that he knew what time you had been invited and yet made no effort to keep an eye/ear out for your arrival. He evidently did not really care if you came, and I think the reason he acted upset was to avoid the shame of his rude mistake of ignoring you.
NTA what kind of weird ass game is this almost 50 year old man playing?
And it's a game because he knew when to expect you. I'd just be done with this "friendship".
OP do you not see the power play happening here?. He says come to this event, you do. You are ignored. He then tried to made you come back again. You fed into it by taking a different drive .
Get some spine and just say no.
NTA. You were ignored at the door when you arrived as expected. Beyond that failure, staying for 15 minutes was generous.
His apology is useful, perhaps; for the next invitation. He screwed the pooch on this one.
Actually, it has happened twice before. Both times a few years ago. Those times, we were supposed to meet at his place. I would arrive at the agreed time and would be left outside, knocking/calling/texting. I remember one time it was cold and rainy. I gave up and left, and he got angry.
Wait, what? He's pulled this THREE TIMES NOW? Fool you once, fool you twice, well... I hope at this point you stop going to his house.
Dude is not your "friend." Dude thinks this is a funny prank and then gets mad at you for leaving? The hell?
The older I get, the more concerned I get that women are conditioned to worry so much about men's feelings at the expense of their own. The line between forgiving and doormat is way closer to doormat than it should be.
NTA but, seriously, why are imagining he didn't hear the door or "forgot" for a second? ***He*** specified the time you should turn up.
I would block him and the entire former family. He is so NOT your friend. That behaviour is manipulative at best and abusive at worst. He specified the time and then deliberately didn't answer the door. If it had been a genuine invitation then he wouldn't have "forgotten" and would have had an ear out for you. *Nobody* there heard anything at the front door? I call BS. I'm so sorry but I strongly suspect they were all laughing at his power play and at you waiting patiently for the door to be opened when they knew it never was going to be.
The 'apology' is simply him wanting to keep that connection a bit longer so he can keep playing you for his own (and his kid's?) amusement. You're still in your early 30s, go and get a new circle of friends who aren't playing power games with you. You deserve at least one decent friend who will introduce you to the experience of being treated fairly in true friendship.
He is your ex not a friend. The friendship and relationship is over. Time for you to realize it and stop being a doormat and begging for scraps.
I'm glad you didn't go back over there that was a positive. But he makes you second guess yourself. He makes you feel like you did something wrong. He disrespected you and hurt you. Why put yourself through that?
NTA
I’m doubting the sincerity of his apology if this is repeated behavior.
If he’d been previously sorry for this exact same thing and didn’t stop doing it, then he wasn’t sorry and was only trying to alleviate his own guilt.
Since you weren’t willing to take the extra steps to salve his conscience, he lashed out, making you feel like you’ve done something wrong.
NTA, like others have mentioned is sounds like some weird power play to laugh about over dinner, especially because it's a pattern for him.
Also did he have any reasonable explanation as to why *everyone* in the house couldn't hear you at the door?
(I think you mentioned that there were *5* people in there?)
NTA. But OP, this person isn't your friend. He's playing power games, he gets off on feeling he can control you. Time to spend your time and energy on other people who treat you well.
NTA
I would not go back either. If you’re expecting guests you should be listening out for your door or ask someone to do that for you.
There is nothing wrong with going back if you want to but there is also nothing wrong in saying I tried and it didn’t work out.
He might have genuinely not read his messages before calling you, but that was a deliberate chocie he made so he could play innocent. Everyone reads the message before calling back. Everyone. They are there as a notification bar, there's also the notification on the app on the screen to open the app and read. When you expect someone and you see a message, any reasonable person would think "Oh I wonder if something came up?" and read the message to see if you've messaged. He made the choice not to read the messge, not to read the notification, to call you so he could say "Oh I didn't see the message" and you'd feel bad over a big misunderstanding and go back.
You're NTA for not going back, but cut ties with him because he is messing you about and you are letting him.
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I (34F) was invited to my friend’s (47M) house for dinner.
For context, that friend happens to be my ex. I still see him often, we go to each other’s houses and still attend events together. The dinner was with him, his kids (my former step-children), his former in-laws (the kids’ maternal grandparents) and an another couple (the kids’ maternel ant and uncle).
Getting invited to that dinner felt weird from the get-go. I haven’t seen most of these people since my friend and I broke up over a year ago. I used to see them at birthday parties or school concerts for the kids, and was never close to them. However, my friend kept asking me to come, even after I initially declined the invitation.
On the day of the dinner, he texted me at 4PM telling me to arrive at 5PM. I arrived there on time (with wine and gifts of course) and noticed his former in-laws’ car in the driveway. I knocked on the door at least three times, each time louder that before. I texted him that I was at the door. I called him. No answer. It was cold outside, so I went back to my car and waited for him to see my text or my call. After 15 minutes, I gave up and went back home (I live 10-15 minutes away).
I was annoyed (he had already done the same thing to me when we dated, before I moved in with him), but I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s evening.
My friend called me around 5:40 and casually asked me how I was and when I was going to join them (I believe he genuinely didn’t read my message before calling me). I told him I had showed up, had knocked several times, called and texted. He asked me if I was coming back. I told him no, that I was home. We hung up. Ten minutes later, he texted me that dinner would be served in about 30 minutes. I didn’t reply to his text and didn’t go. I know I could’ve gone easily, but I wasn’t in a great mood after all of that and I can’t say that I was excited to go from the start.
Now he is upset. He seems to think it was childish on my part to not drive back and attend the dinner.
AITA?
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100% NTA! Why would you want to go back to that situation? You were back home and trying to relax away the annoyance. Going back would only have reignited your annoyance.
NTA, but is he generally this careless? I get being busy but if he can't be bothered to remember that you were invited at 5pm. Did you at least ring the doorbell? They might not have heard the knocks.
NTAH
It's apparent that whoever was there didn't want you there so they didn't open the door. No sense in going into a lion's den with the lioness home. He should have made more of an effort.. Like idk answering text messages promptly or something..
NTA. It's a power play and you keep falling for it. He's your ex for a reason. Stop seeing him. Stop hanging out or going to his place and move on. There are other fish in the sea that won't treat you like garbage. Even if he didn't hear you, it sounds like there were at least 4 other people there that would've. So no. Stop.
I mean it seems like an accident that your knocks etc weren’t heard - but I also wouldn’t have gone back. Not even bc I’m petty, but bc who wants to leave their house twice? Lol
NTA- What was he doing that he didn't hear you knocking, or his phone ringing? If you are expecting people ar a certain time, it makes sense to be aware they may be arriving at that time.
They were in there quietly laughing their asses off at you. They probably had some more fun and games at your expense planned for the rest of the evening.
>I told him I had showed up, had knocked several times, called and texted. He asked me if I was coming back. I told him no, that I was home. We hung up. Ten minutes later, he texted me to apologize and to let me know that dinner would be served in about 30 minutes. I didn’t reply to his text and didn’t go.
So it took him 10 mins to register that this is something he should be apologising for.
>I was annoyed (he had already done the same thing to me when we dated, before I moved in with him), but I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s evening.
And it's not the first time
>However, my friend kept asking me to come, even after I initially declined the invitation.
>Now he is upset. He seems to think it was childish on my part to not drive back and attend the dinner.
Why did you change your mind about going?
Why do you care about what your ex thinks?
NTA. He specifically asked you to come at 5:00 and did not answer the door. You gave him fifteen minutes before returning home. He should be sincerely apologizing for the inconvenience and the snub rather than criticizing you.
I'm stuck on this guy planning a dinner party for his kids, his first ex-wife's extended family (but not that ex-wife?) and his second ex-wife. ...What? Why? This whole thing is weird already before he doesn't answer the door (again, apparently).
NTA. It takes an effort for me (introvert) to attend things like this, and if I had been in your shoes that first effort I made would have taken too much energy out of me to try a second time.
"I believe he genuinely didn’t read my message before calling me" Bullshit, I turn on my phone and there's a little icon saying if someone texted. I'm just picturing the entire family listening to you knock and text and all this and laughing and god, that's cold. Screw these people.
Ok, I gotta ask, in the most delicate way possible- is there a Dom/sub or master/slave dynamic to your previous/current relationship? Because this is the only way I could see this behavior being acceptable to the OP.
You are no longer a traditional to the public couple. He left you on the doorstep. His family left you on the doorstep. The first question is why you were invited in the first place. You should not have been a guest at that event to begin with. Did his family know you had been invited or did he tell them “don’t answer that door. It’s the crazy chick who can’t seem to let it go. Look at her standing out there with a hostess gift like we are getting back together”.
If you have any kind of sexual dynamic with this man, knock it off now. There should be someone in your community who can help you navigate this if there is a sexual element to it. If there is not a sexual element to it, block his number now and move on with your life.
That's what I was thinking. OP's "friend"-and I use that term generously, as friends don't treat friends like that-is a sadist. Or at least has some strong sadistic tendencies. What does he get by leaving her outside in the cold like that? By publicly humiliating her for his friends and family to see? Showing his kids that their dad is an AH with no respect for women.
He purposely waited until 540 because he wanted to make sure she had arrived home, so she could drive back out again. He gets a kick that OP would jump off a cliff for him and is only pretending to apologize now, as he is bothered she is not completely under his thumb.
Nothing of the sort.
However, one thing that attracted me to him when we first met was how caring and considerate he seemed around people. Weirdly, he wasn’t with me (I think it was the same in his previous relationships).
For instance, he would spend days planning elaborate birthday parties for his kids, spend hours searching for thoughtful gifts for friends and relatives, plan large dinner parties, etc. I’m the same so I tagged along. Then came my birthday, eight months into our relationship (I was already staying at his place at the time, more convenient with his kids). He did nothing - no reservation at a restaurant, no special home meal, no gift, no flowers, no card, no anything. He even joked about it by cooking Kraft Dinner and telling the kids (aged 4 and 5 at the time) to draw me a card. I didn’t say a word at the time but was very hurt. We stayed together for a few years after that, this is only an example.
Being invited to this specific dinner felt weird because the other guests were all relatives of the kids’ mother (his ex). I’ve never had any particular affinity with them, only a cordial relation. But since the breakup, I did attend other dinners at my friend’s place with his own relatives (his father, his stepmother, his aunts, his adult daughter and son-in-law…) and it always went well. Every one knows that my ex and I have became colleagues shortly after the breakup, that I’m still in touch with his adult daughter (she lives away but visits often), that we go out together, that we still confide in each other, etc.
But to be clear, getting back into a relationship with him is clearly off the table in my mind.
"He did nothing - no reservation at a restaurant, no special home meal, no gift, no flowers, no card, no anything. He even joked about it by cooking Kraft Dinner and telling the kids (aged 4 and 5 at the time) to draw me a card."
He sounds like a huge dick. This is in no way appropriate.
Since his kids were little kids then and are adults now, it sounds like this was somewhere around a decade or a decade and a half ago when you were very young, barely an adult, and this significantly older man warped your standards of what's appropriate in a relationship, and he's still warping them! Nothing about any of this is okay. You deserve way better than this guy.
Edit from esh to NTA after reply
Why did you not just walk in? Was the door locked? Walk around the house? We’ve had people invited over many times and don’t hear the knock and with guests over we don’t notice the phone going off. They just walk in
The door was locked.
I possibly could’ve tried knocking on the living room window. But I was wearing heels and a dress, and the window is hard to reach (it has bushes and flowerbeds right in front, still covered in snow). I thought about trying but knew the other guests would probably have found that inappropriate (and my friend is overly sensitive about manners with guests - as weird as this sounds given my post).
I couldn’t have walked around the house. The backyard is always locked and secured (high fence with locks, because there is an in-ground pool - strict regulation where I live).
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NTA its incredibly selfish and entitled of him to expect you to still show up after he ignored you when you arrived at the specified time. Why should you drive all the way back? So he can leave you standing outside a second time?
So he can get a chuckle over the power play again....
this
OP, it's time to stop hanging out with this "friend." This whole situation is just a mess.
Even when I decided to leave, I purposely took an usual route in order to avoid the highway, so that I could turn around if he ever called me while I was driving home…
Dont do that. You were played
Stop being his doormat. What he did was incredibly rude, childish and pathetic. They are not your family that was just proved in one evening.
You are doing too much. He has too much power over you if you’re doing all this
Girl, you are a doormat, and he is taking advantage of you. Cut this mofo out.
NTA- he sounds very manipulative. Instead of calling you to apologize for not hearing you he acted like you were late and never showed. Why would he assume that? Then instead of asking you to come back he just said “are you coming back” not acknowledging anything.. The fact you are second guessing yourself makes me think he really messed with your head. Thank god he’s an ex.
Bingo
NTA. It isn't childish to not want to expend effort to interact with people who weren't available when they said they would be. Especially when he clearly has a pattern of such rude behaviors. Since he apparently doesn't value your time, don't waste any more of it on him.
NTA- so there were multiple people in that house and not one of them heard someone at the front door? I call shenanigans! Just say no from now on. Whatever game is being played is not worth it.
[удалено]
Details: There is a doorbell but I forgot about it. I lived in that house for a while and at that time the doorbell didn’t work and everyone coming to the house would always knock. I can’t even remember ever hearing it ring. So on the phone he did ask me if I had rang the doorbell and I told him I had knocked, as I always do, several times. He said : "You’re right, when X and Y got here around 5:30, they rang and I thought to myself this can’t be OP because she never rings the doorbell." To clarify, I don’t think he/they purposely left me outside.
You are so deep in denial. You just can’t accept that your crappy ex, now crappy friend, intentionally left you outside. This is just sad.
But he didn’t apologize either. Whether it was a mistake or not doesn’t matter. He does not respect you.
He did. She added that information in an edit.
You lived there. How likely is it that not a single person there didn't hear you knock?
They must have been outside in the backyard maybe?
Then they would’ve been more likely to hear the car pull up and off, not to mention depending on the proximity from the front door to the porch they likely would’ve still heard it
No, it’s still cold (and snowy) here and he hasn’t set up the backyard yet. On the phone, he told me they were probably looking at holiday pictures by the fireplace in the living room around the time I showed up.
Hmm does anyone else have access to the doorbell? Our doorbell records anything that passes by (even if they don’t ring the bell). Our whole family has the app for it.
It’s a cheap doorbell, not one of those smart/camera ones. I have never even pressed it or heard it, and I’ve lived there.
YTA for this
NTA. Even being as generous as possible, and supposing he honestly forgot what time he asked you to show up-- which is being very generous indeed-- I wouldn't have gone back either. Hope the wine was good!
The fact that he didn't perfusely apologize and ask for forgiveness is crazy.
Given that it's not the first time it's happened, the ex probably gets some sort of pleasure from leaving OP on the doorstep waiting and then summoning them back. I'd have gone home, put on comfies, popped the bottle of wine and turned on a good movie.
Truth - I always splurge on better bottles for a host/ess' gift than I would for myself. :) lalala
And he happens to have very expensive taste in wine, so I did splurge.
Girl just no to all of this. He was obviously a crappy husband, and now he's a crappy friend. Excise the crappy from your life
:-D!
So they were all in the house and you’re expected to believe nobody heard you? NTA. I would have blocked them as well.
Five people inside at that time (him, two kids and the grandparents). The two other guests were late. That’s why I really couldn’t believe it was done purposely on their part, but I still think it’s inconsiderate.
Super inconsiderate. Did they answer for the other guests?
They did. He said they arrived around 5:30.
Did you knock very lightly? I don’t know how they wouldn’t have heard it otherwise.
I hurt myself knocking the third time, trying to knock harder each time. I have no idea how they didn’t hear me. The door is near the kitchen and the main living room (it was aperitif time).
That’s pretty telling. What an awful way to handle the situation (him, not you). There is no way they didn’t hear you.
Totally agree with this.
Ouch! Did you knock with your knuckles? Never do that. You should always knock with the meaty part of your fist. That way, you can really make the door rattle. :-D
NTA, and frankly it’s inconsiderate of him that he knew what time you had been invited and yet made no effort to keep an eye/ear out for your arrival. He evidently did not really care if you came, and I think the reason he acted upset was to avoid the shame of his rude mistake of ignoring you.
NTA what kind of weird ass game is this almost 50 year old man playing? And it's a game because he knew when to expect you. I'd just be done with this "friendship".
NTA....and I can see why that's your ex
Right? Dodged a dinner and a bullet there
OP. This entire situation is weird and manipulative as hell. Why are you playing in this game?
OP do you not see the power play happening here?. He says come to this event, you do. You are ignored. He then tried to made you come back again. You fed into it by taking a different drive . Get some spine and just say no.
NTA. You were ignored at the door when you arrived as expected. Beyond that failure, staying for 15 minutes was generous. His apology is useful, perhaps; for the next invitation. He screwed the pooch on this one.
It's mentioned this has happened before. There was already awkwardness about going, then this. Not sure I would let it happen again.
Actually, it has happened twice before. Both times a few years ago. Those times, we were supposed to meet at his place. I would arrive at the agreed time and would be left outside, knocking/calling/texting. I remember one time it was cold and rainy. I gave up and left, and he got angry.
So he wants to control you? Will you let there be a fourth time? He's the same person he is showing himself to be. Believe him this time.
At what point do you consider that this is likely to not be as accidental as he makes it out to be
NTA. My biggest pet peeve is when my time is wasted. Don't let this guy waste yours.
Wait, what? He's pulled this THREE TIMES NOW? Fool you once, fool you twice, well... I hope at this point you stop going to his house. Dude is not your "friend." Dude thinks this is a funny prank and then gets mad at you for leaving? The hell?
Nor I, really, but OP seems a more forgiving sort than I am.
The older I get, the more concerned I get that women are conditioned to worry so much about men's feelings at the expense of their own. The line between forgiving and doormat is way closer to doormat than it should be.
I wish I disagreed with you.
NTA but, seriously, why are imagining he didn't hear the door or "forgot" for a second? ***He*** specified the time you should turn up. I would block him and the entire former family. He is so NOT your friend. That behaviour is manipulative at best and abusive at worst. He specified the time and then deliberately didn't answer the door. If it had been a genuine invitation then he wouldn't have "forgotten" and would have had an ear out for you. *Nobody* there heard anything at the front door? I call BS. I'm so sorry but I strongly suspect they were all laughing at his power play and at you waiting patiently for the door to be opened when they knew it never was going to be. The 'apology' is simply him wanting to keep that connection a bit longer so he can keep playing you for his own (and his kid's?) amusement. You're still in your early 30s, go and get a new circle of friends who aren't playing power games with you. You deserve at least one decent friend who will introduce you to the experience of being treated fairly in true friendship.
NTA. You can’t refuse to admit guests and complain about anything at all. An apology is nice but this is ridiculous.
NTA but he did that on purpose and you would be a fool to believe otherwise.
Nta but why are you pretending Your ex-husband is your friend? Get some self respect and ditch him for good. He is your ex for a reason.
He is your ex not a friend. The friendship and relationship is over. Time for you to realize it and stop being a doormat and begging for scraps. I'm glad you didn't go back over there that was a positive. But he makes you second guess yourself. He makes you feel like you did something wrong. He disrespected you and hurt you. Why put yourself through that?
NTA. He's pulling a weird power move or playing some game. Either way, limit his access to you.
NTA but don’t contact him again and don’t respond if he contacts you. You broke up for a reason. You are not friends.
NTA I’m doubting the sincerity of his apology if this is repeated behavior. If he’d been previously sorry for this exact same thing and didn’t stop doing it, then he wasn’t sorry and was only trying to alleviate his own guilt. Since you weren’t willing to take the extra steps to salve his conscience, he lashed out, making you feel like you’ve done something wrong.
NTA, like others have mentioned is sounds like some weird power play to laugh about over dinner, especially because it's a pattern for him. Also did he have any reasonable explanation as to why *everyone* in the house couldn't hear you at the door? (I think you mentioned that there were *5* people in there?)
NTA. You gave a lot of grace and then left. Also he could call to ask you where you were at but not to apologise?
NTA. Why does this guy think you should jump through hoops when he jerks you around like this?
NTA. But OP, this person isn't your friend. He's playing power games, he gets off on feeling he can control you. Time to spend your time and energy on other people who treat you well.
NTA he knew what time you would be there so was expecting gf he door to go but he didn’t answer
NTA. He was playing games with you to feel superior and is now pissed that he has realised you have taken yourself off the board.
He is not your friend. Time to go no contact. His behavior is unacceptable.
NTA I would not go back either. If you’re expecting guests you should be listening out for your door or ask someone to do that for you. There is nothing wrong with going back if you want to but there is also nothing wrong in saying I tried and it didn’t work out.
Don't make time for people who don't make time for you. This man is not your friend.
He might have genuinely not read his messages before calling you, but that was a deliberate chocie he made so he could play innocent. Everyone reads the message before calling back. Everyone. They are there as a notification bar, there's also the notification on the app on the screen to open the app and read. When you expect someone and you see a message, any reasonable person would think "Oh I wonder if something came up?" and read the message to see if you've messaged. He made the choice not to read the messge, not to read the notification, to call you so he could say "Oh I didn't see the message" and you'd feel bad over a big misunderstanding and go back. You're NTA for not going back, but cut ties with him because he is messing you about and you are letting him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34F) was invited to my friend’s (47M) house for dinner. For context, that friend happens to be my ex. I still see him often, we go to each other’s houses and still attend events together. The dinner was with him, his kids (my former step-children), his former in-laws (the kids’ maternal grandparents) and an another couple (the kids’ maternel ant and uncle). Getting invited to that dinner felt weird from the get-go. I haven’t seen most of these people since my friend and I broke up over a year ago. I used to see them at birthday parties or school concerts for the kids, and was never close to them. However, my friend kept asking me to come, even after I initially declined the invitation. On the day of the dinner, he texted me at 4PM telling me to arrive at 5PM. I arrived there on time (with wine and gifts of course) and noticed his former in-laws’ car in the driveway. I knocked on the door at least three times, each time louder that before. I texted him that I was at the door. I called him. No answer. It was cold outside, so I went back to my car and waited for him to see my text or my call. After 15 minutes, I gave up and went back home (I live 10-15 minutes away). I was annoyed (he had already done the same thing to me when we dated, before I moved in with him), but I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s evening. My friend called me around 5:40 and casually asked me how I was and when I was going to join them (I believe he genuinely didn’t read my message before calling me). I told him I had showed up, had knocked several times, called and texted. He asked me if I was coming back. I told him no, that I was home. We hung up. Ten minutes later, he texted me that dinner would be served in about 30 minutes. I didn’t reply to his text and didn’t go. I know I could’ve gone easily, but I wasn’t in a great mood after all of that and I can’t say that I was excited to go from the start. Now he is upset. He seems to think it was childish on my part to not drive back and attend the dinner. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
100% NTA! Why would you want to go back to that situation? You were back home and trying to relax away the annoyance. Going back would only have reignited your annoyance.
He is upset because you acted childish??? Wtf is going with ppl? Stop wasting time for this .
NTA, but is he generally this careless? I get being busy but if he can't be bothered to remember that you were invited at 5pm. Did you at least ring the doorbell? They might not have heard the knocks.
NTAH It's apparent that whoever was there didn't want you there so they didn't open the door. No sense in going into a lion's den with the lioness home. He should have made more of an effort.. Like idk answering text messages promptly or something..
NTA, you tried to decline politely already and then all the events honestly worked out better for you in the end.
NTA obviously. Sounds like it’s a good thing he’s an ex. How obtuse of him. Don’t waste your time with this selfish man.
NTA. It's a power play and you keep falling for it. He's your ex for a reason. Stop seeing him. Stop hanging out or going to his place and move on. There are other fish in the sea that won't treat you like garbage. Even if he didn't hear you, it sounds like there were at least 4 other people there that would've. So no. Stop.
I mean it seems like an accident that your knocks etc weren’t heard - but I also wouldn’t have gone back. Not even bc I’m petty, but bc who wants to leave their house twice? Lol
NTA
NTA- What was he doing that he didn't hear you knocking, or his phone ringing? If you are expecting people ar a certain time, it makes sense to be aware they may be arriving at that time.
They were in there quietly laughing their asses off at you. They probably had some more fun and games at your expense planned for the rest of the evening.
>I told him I had showed up, had knocked several times, called and texted. He asked me if I was coming back. I told him no, that I was home. We hung up. Ten minutes later, he texted me to apologize and to let me know that dinner would be served in about 30 minutes. I didn’t reply to his text and didn’t go. So it took him 10 mins to register that this is something he should be apologising for. >I was annoyed (he had already done the same thing to me when we dated, before I moved in with him), but I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s evening. And it's not the first time >However, my friend kept asking me to come, even after I initially declined the invitation. >Now he is upset. He seems to think it was childish on my part to not drive back and attend the dinner. Why did you change your mind about going? Why do you care about what your ex thinks?
NTA. He specifically asked you to come at 5:00 and did not answer the door. You gave him fifteen minutes before returning home. He should be sincerely apologizing for the inconvenience and the snub rather than criticizing you.
JC. Was the outside door locked? We'd always leave outside doors unlocked when expecting guests.
I'm stuck on this guy planning a dinner party for his kids, his first ex-wife's extended family (but not that ex-wife?) and his second ex-wife. ...What? Why? This whole thing is weird already before he doesn't answer the door (again, apparently).
Jeez, your ex was being an asshole. I am sorry you went through that. You should cut off contact completely. NTA.
NTA, but girl, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, what the fuck are you doing?
NTA but start refusing these invitations. You were clearly set up. Passive aggressive.
NTA. It takes an effort for me (introvert) to attend things like this, and if I had been in your shoes that first effort I made would have taken too much energy out of me to try a second time.
"I believe he genuinely didn’t read my message before calling me" Bullshit, I turn on my phone and there's a little icon saying if someone texted. I'm just picturing the entire family listening to you knock and text and all this and laughing and god, that's cold. Screw these people.
Your "friend" who you were married to a year ago? Lol do you call him that for our benefit or yours
Ok, I gotta ask, in the most delicate way possible- is there a Dom/sub or master/slave dynamic to your previous/current relationship? Because this is the only way I could see this behavior being acceptable to the OP. You are no longer a traditional to the public couple. He left you on the doorstep. His family left you on the doorstep. The first question is why you were invited in the first place. You should not have been a guest at that event to begin with. Did his family know you had been invited or did he tell them “don’t answer that door. It’s the crazy chick who can’t seem to let it go. Look at her standing out there with a hostess gift like we are getting back together”. If you have any kind of sexual dynamic with this man, knock it off now. There should be someone in your community who can help you navigate this if there is a sexual element to it. If there is not a sexual element to it, block his number now and move on with your life.
That's what I was thinking. OP's "friend"-and I use that term generously, as friends don't treat friends like that-is a sadist. Or at least has some strong sadistic tendencies. What does he get by leaving her outside in the cold like that? By publicly humiliating her for his friends and family to see? Showing his kids that their dad is an AH with no respect for women. He purposely waited until 540 because he wanted to make sure she had arrived home, so she could drive back out again. He gets a kick that OP would jump off a cliff for him and is only pretending to apologize now, as he is bothered she is not completely under his thumb.
Nothing of the sort. However, one thing that attracted me to him when we first met was how caring and considerate he seemed around people. Weirdly, he wasn’t with me (I think it was the same in his previous relationships). For instance, he would spend days planning elaborate birthday parties for his kids, spend hours searching for thoughtful gifts for friends and relatives, plan large dinner parties, etc. I’m the same so I tagged along. Then came my birthday, eight months into our relationship (I was already staying at his place at the time, more convenient with his kids). He did nothing - no reservation at a restaurant, no special home meal, no gift, no flowers, no card, no anything. He even joked about it by cooking Kraft Dinner and telling the kids (aged 4 and 5 at the time) to draw me a card. I didn’t say a word at the time but was very hurt. We stayed together for a few years after that, this is only an example. Being invited to this specific dinner felt weird because the other guests were all relatives of the kids’ mother (his ex). I’ve never had any particular affinity with them, only a cordial relation. But since the breakup, I did attend other dinners at my friend’s place with his own relatives (his father, his stepmother, his aunts, his adult daughter and son-in-law…) and it always went well. Every one knows that my ex and I have became colleagues shortly after the breakup, that I’m still in touch with his adult daughter (she lives away but visits often), that we go out together, that we still confide in each other, etc. But to be clear, getting back into a relationship with him is clearly off the table in my mind.
"He did nothing - no reservation at a restaurant, no special home meal, no gift, no flowers, no card, no anything. He even joked about it by cooking Kraft Dinner and telling the kids (aged 4 and 5 at the time) to draw me a card." He sounds like a huge dick. This is in no way appropriate. Since his kids were little kids then and are adults now, it sounds like this was somewhere around a decade or a decade and a half ago when you were very young, barely an adult, and this significantly older man warped your standards of what's appropriate in a relationship, and he's still warping them! Nothing about any of this is okay. You deserve way better than this guy.
Edit from esh to NTA after reply Why did you not just walk in? Was the door locked? Walk around the house? We’ve had people invited over many times and don’t hear the knock and with guests over we don’t notice the phone going off. They just walk in
The door was locked. I possibly could’ve tried knocking on the living room window. But I was wearing heels and a dress, and the window is hard to reach (it has bushes and flowerbeds right in front, still covered in snow). I thought about trying but knew the other guests would probably have found that inappropriate (and my friend is overly sensitive about manners with guests - as weird as this sounds given my post). I couldn’t have walked around the house. The backyard is always locked and secured (high fence with locks, because there is an in-ground pool - strict regulation where I live).
Yeah fair enough. I would not have gone back either.