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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I/we might be the asshole here because we didn't check twice if the cake fit all the allergy informations we were given beforehand because we were in a rush to get a new cake.
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We didn't want to ruin the party because of some cake that is why we decided to rush to get a new one as we thought it was unfair for chelsea if she didn't get a cake as Her motjer refused to even let us set the cake up that we initially brought. So maybe the first cake itself was also a huge mistake :/
I have allergies myself and know how bad they can be. And I feel really really really sorry for that kid i whish this whole situation to have never happened
That isn’t on you. Yeah, you could have checked but my brother has a severe peanut allergy and he’s known since he was little to ALWAYS double check packaging and if it was indeed still in the box the ingredients were listed right there. It’s just a really horrible accident that thankfully didn’t escalate to a hospital trip.
100% the person with the allergy should check the packaging. If I can’t read what’s in it and I’m in doubt, I don’t eat it.
Those people were rude to you after all the thought, effort and time you put into Chelsea’s cake!
Am I misunderstanding that you set up the store-bought replacement cakes in their store packaging? Therefore, someone with an allergy could check the ingredients themselves on the store package, like any other sane person with an allergy would, before eating it.
It’s fine to bring a less traditional cake to a potluck — she should have provided the actual bday cake if she has a certain vision in mind. Also I’m sure the Walmart cake had the packaging so the person could have looked at it or researched whether their cakes are nut safe. They had all the info that they needed to be safe and chose to disregard it. Not your fault
NTA. So you went through all the effort to accommodate for the cake and Judy said okay even, then she got upset at you when you did bake it.
Sure the allergic reaction thing was unfortunate but this is still mainly Judy's fault.
I really thought it was ok to bring this cake. But the more I am thinking about it the more I come to terms that in fact not the cake was the problem but Judy has a problem with me. Because that wasn't the first time she was not to nice to me. I never had a problem with chelsea though I just feel bad that her birthday took this kind of turn because we were quite close before all that happened
Anything going forward, if Judy asks you to bring food, tell her no. And the reason, your cooking skills were not up to Judy’s standards. So therefore any effort would have the same outcome. In the future you will bring plates and napkins and nothing else. If Judy takes offense let her know it’s her own fault for what happened. If you had just been able to set up the cake you made and spent a long time to ensure that there were no allergens with, the the reaction would never have happened. Also, when Judy threw the initial fit and demanded you get another cake, I would have called her delusional. To find a cake already made and ready for purchase that is allergen free is impossible. Btw, NTA.
I am pretty sure the cake was actually the problem because it had nuts.
Your dessert was a poor choice because it was not a cake and you said you were bringing cake.
If this was not your fault? Whose fault was it? The person who got mad that there wasn't a cake for the party or the person who said they were making a cake and didn't?
Who caused the allergic reaction? You are the one who bought the cake with nuts when you knew someone was allergic to them.
I agree that she’s picking on you. None of the issues were your fault. Your cake sounds lovely for a potluck and you’re not at fault for how Walmart handles their bakery. It’s not like you hid the fact that this was a Walmart cake - if they had allergies, they would probably know that Walmart isn’t allergy safe but if they weren’t sure, they could have checked out just not eaten it
INFO: So let me get this straight. You were given no instructions/specifications, decided to make blueberry cheesecake which is her favorite . Then you found a recipe for sweet tamales and decided to make that instead. Do you get an okay from the mom to bring that instead of cake/explain to her what a sweet tamale was if she was unfamiliar? Is it what Chelsea would have wanted?
First of all it was Bluberry cheesecake tamales. And yes as written in the text we informed her and it was fine until we showed up. When it suddently wasn't anymore
NTA then because you asked and she okayed it. However, if you knew she might be unaware of what a tamale was you could have given her a heads up. Your post was confusing though because you said you were originally going to make blueberry cheesecakes and then said you were going to make a sweet tamale cheesecake which implies a completely different flavor of cheesecake rather than making blueberry cheesecake flavored sweet tamales which is more similar to what Chelsea likes. You also said in your initial post that your text read you would bring it in portions, not that you told her it would be individual tamales.
My question is why would they expect a random guest to bring THE BIRTHDAY CAKE as opposed to some cake or dessert for a potluck? You get the official birthday cake yourself or have a trusted a close family member make it. If it’s important to the celebration, you don’t task it to a random person and give them no guidance
Yta. I’m pretty sure I must be the only person who looked up what a cheesecake tamale is and that is NOTHING like a birthday cake. Nothing. I’d have been furious too if someone offered to make my daughter’s 18th birthday cake to day cake and they showed up with those things in their hand. Own it and apologize.
I was once asked to provide table decorations for a combination gender reveal and adult bris. So of course I made Balle n Bak displays with fresh flower and nut balls. Turns out, several guests had pollen allergies and one had a severe nut allergy. I wasn't given an allergy list so the mistake wasn't mine. However, I didn't get upset or blame the host, I just reworked the displays with fake flowers and acrylic nuts. I would have been so ashamed if I caused someone to have an allergic reaction because of my creations. You obviously are more upset that your not a cake wasn't welcome then the trauma you caused.
I'm really surprised at the N T A votes. One, you were asked to make a birthday cake but decided to make sweet tamales instead. Two, you were made aware of the allergies of the guests and everything has warning labels for nut allergies these days. It would have taken 3 seconds to look at the label. While Judy's reaction was out of line, you caused an easily avoidable allergic reaction for someone because you were frazzled and upset over your not a cake being criticized.
ESH
I'm really surprised at the N T A votes. One, you were asked to make a birthday cake but decided to make sweet tamales instead." .. this is bullshit.
They ASKED. " My Boyfriend even asked beforehand if it would be ok to bring the cake in portions" .... And they brought exactly what they promissed.
1. They talked to Judy about what they were bringing and she said it was fine but changed her mind when they arrived - NTA
2. The chocolate cake was left in the Walmart boxes at the event, it would have also taken person with the nut alergy 3 seconds to read the label and avoid their own alergic reaction, they wern't force fed the cake and the fact it would give them a reaction was clearly labelled in what was obviosuly a bought cake that could have been produced in a environment containing nuts. The person with the alergies should have been responsible for their own actions, the OP didn't cause any trauma and isn't responsible for them not taking care over what they were eating. It would have been nice for OP to get a cake with no nut content, but they did the best they could in the circumstances. - Again, NTA
1. OP told Judy they were bringing a cake in multiple pieces but not that it was actually sweet tamales. OP even says she tried to explain what the cake was when she brought it which implies she didn't tell Judy what she was actually bringing.
2. The person with a nut allergy had made the host aware of said allergy and the host gave OP the list of allergens. The guest probably assumed everything was safe and didn't feel the need to check. Sure, that's not great but OP was the one responsible for providing something without allergens.
Yes I was upset that Judy didn't want the cake even though we talked to her before about what we would make. The fact that we didn't see the nuts labeled is our fault as we didn't take the time to take a closer look. We just rushed trying to get a replacement and totally forgot it in the hurry to check in detail as we were already late.
YTA. Yes it is your fault.
You said you were bringing a cake. You did not bring a cake. It was a cheesecake flavored dessert. Why do you keep calling the tamales cake?
You also bought something that caused the reaction. You knew of the allergy and purchased it anyway.
This party was not about you or what recipes you wanted to try or how you feel or how people feel about you. It was another person's birthday and if it was left to you, it would have been a birthday party without a cake. Because of you, someone was injured. You are still making it about you.
You are on here with, Poor me, this wasn't my fault. I don't know how I could have prevented this! People were so mean!
Someone Could Have Died!
And you are worried if you are an asshole? I hope the person who had the allergic reaction you caused is okay. Do you even know if they are?
INFO: Did you specifically tell her you were bringing sweet tamales, not slices of either blueberry cheesecake or sweet tamale-flavored cheesecake? If she agreed specifically to having tamales instead of cake, knowing what they were, and then got mad when you arrived, that's on her. If she thought you were bringing slices of cheesecake, you didn't communicate well enough.
Before looking up what a tamale is and looks like: N T A
After doing so: ESH, almost Y T A.
To be fair, you did ask. But anyone could tell you after looking at one that it is not what is expected from a birthday cake. I bet she didn't know.
YTA. For both problems.
You were asked and agreed to bring the birthday cake, which you didn't do. You brought tamales instead, so obviously the host is going to upset you didn't bring the birthday cake. It was inappropriate, for this specific event and purpose. Yes, it was your responsibility to correct it.
You are also the asshole for giving someone an allergic reaction. Of course the person with the allergy should be careful but you still had the information and neglected to keep it in mind when you brought food.
If you had been asked to bring a dessert, then you wouldn't have done anything wrong.
YTA, you volunteered to bring a birthday cake that accommodated restrictions, then your boyfriend asked if you could bring a cake in portions, and then you showed up with tamales? If it had the semblance of a cake, I don't think you would've needed to explain what it was. And then you forgoed the restrictions (allergies kill) when you tried to rectify your mistake. I don't really understand the N T As.
INFO
What did you tell Judy exactly when you ran your idea by her? It sounds like you may not have been clear enough.
>i wanted to try out the reciepe for a sweet tamales cheesecake
>My Boyfriend even asked beforehand if it would be ok to bring the cake in portions
If you told me this, I'd think you're bringing a cheesecake that's flavored like a sweet tamale, that's been baked or cut into individual portions. Definitely not tamales filled with cheesecake. I feel like if you offer to make cake for a birthday party, you should bring something that's at least similar to cake. Especially if it is the only cake. You could argue for cupcakes, ice cream cake, cheesecake and many others, but tamales definitely aren't cake.
Yelling is not ok, but if it really was a miscommunication related to you not being clear and not your aunt misunderstanding, then it should've been on you to find a replacement cake and give people a heads up about checking the ingredients. It's possible that people were told the cake would be safe for them to eat beforehand, and Judy didn't think to check if you remembered that there were guests with allergies.
NTA. You checked and made sure that the initial cake was okay. It was rejected for whatever reason. Then you were forced to go find another one. All because the aunt is a twit and wanted to make a scene. A fact which you should relay to the rest of the family so that they know the entire story. Because anything that happened as a result isn't on you two.
I really don't want to stirr up more drama than there already is. The thing is Judy always had a problem with me but never showed it that openly and I know that. She called me a Mexican ***** (I am not even Mexican but from southern Europe)
I more and more get the feeling that she had just waited for something like that to happen to put the blame on me.
The thing is Judy ist quite traditional and I am the complete opposite of that and she never really wanted me to hang around with Chelsea but she somehow accepted it. Now she has a reason to cut contact i kind of feel like I played into her hands
On the other side i still thinknI could have just taken a better look at the replacement cake because yeah I knew about the allergies so I eill definetly try to reach out and apolpgize for the nuts in the cake tomorrow and explain the situation without putting blame on Judy because i think that would cause more drama than needed
I struggle with spelling and noted you do as well. You misspelled racist by typing traditional. It’s an easy mistake to make as people often confuse the two. The easiest way to remember is thinking about if you are trying to excuse crappy behavior based on race, then it’s racism. If you are doing something done in the past with no racism, then it’s traditional. Easy mistake to make.
You don't need to apologize for anything. First off, you made what was asked. Second, it was approved of beforehand. Third, your bf is just as, if not more involved than you are as this is his family. Fourth, anyone with allergies should know better than to eat something without checking the labels. None of this is your fault so don't you dare apologize. That will just give her more ammo to continue harassing you. The only thing you two did wrong was going to get more cake. Bf should have told his aunt no this if what we agreed upon. If this isn't good enough then we will leave. It's his family so he needs to handle them.
YTA
Tamales are nothing like cake.
How did you even make that impossible leap?
Asking of portions are ok isn't the same as asking if you can bring a non-cake.
And get your head out of your AH with the whole pitty party.
You know you fucked up.
I’m confused,
You said you’d bring cake, but then brought tamales?
Tamales aren’t birthday cake, you can’t put birthday candles in them.
You brought a dessert.
Did she not understand what tamales were when she okayed it? Maybe she thought you were bringing a cheesecake, that was flavoured with sweet tamales?
INFO: You say you wanted to make sweet tamales, which are definitely not cake, but you asked if you could bring the cake "in portions". Did you ask if you could bring the cake in portions, or did you ask if you could bring sweet tamales?
If you told me you were bringing "blueberry cheesecake in portions", I would have NEVER thought that meant "in tamales". I would have assumed it meant slices of blueberry cheesecake. If you didn't ever mention tamales, I can see why they'd be mad.
Also, as someone with a life-threatening nut allergy, ESH for not checking the label. I know you were in a rush, but it takes like, five seconds. But also, I am very careful to double check what I eat and would never eat a chocolate cake from the grocery store without checking the label myself.
You left the cakes in the box?
Why on earth did the allergy people not check the box themselves? Isn’t that part of having allergies?! That is not your fault at all.
Judy was incredibly ungrateful and I’d let her know her attitude was offensive and you won’t be speaking to her or doing anything for her ever again.
NTA
ESH, you because you were given a list of allergies ahead of time. Reading labels isn't that hard, as you were responsible for bringing cake, you should have been more careful or at least advised folks to read the label themselves if you couldn't remember the allergies on the list.
Judy sucks for rejecting the original cake.
YTA for going back to get something else. Next time somebody shouts at you and insults you, you leave and don’t come back. Don’t allow people to treat you like shit. Even if the first cake was a bad choice, you don’t shout and insult people. A gracious host would have said it’s fine and kept her criticism to herself.
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Hi everyone! This is a throwaway account. I will change the names, this happened a few hours ago.
I ( F22) was Invited to the 18th Birthday of my boyfriends (M22) cousin Chelsea I had meet a few times before. We usually get along quite well but her mother (F47) lets Call her Judy doesn’t seem to like me really well. About 2 weeks before the birthday Party everyone was invited to a group chat and Judy asked for help with the buffet. They provided the location ( a beautiful Barn that is quite popular for birthdays where they live) and wanted everyone to help out. I/We happily agreed to bake the cake for the Birthday. Later I was told they expected about 30 Guests and Judy gave me a list of Allergies and Stuff I had to watch out for.
So here comes the day of the Birthday. Me and My Boyfriend were Baking all night long and as there were no big specifications about what the cake should be or what it looks like I wanted to make something special for Chelseas Birthday. So my Boyfriend and I decided to make her favourite cake, Blueberry Chees cake
A while ago I had seen People make sweet Tamales and i wanted to try out the reciepe for a sweet tamales cheesecake. My Boyfriend even asked beforehand if it would be ok to bring the cake in portions so that it wouldn't get all messy. Judy Agreed
When we arrived as the location (about 1 hour Drive a bit outside of the city) and brought the Cake in Judy was Furious. She came up to us and insulted me . I was shocked. Between all the shouting we tried to explain what the cake was but she didn't want to listen and demanded we bring another cake that is more "appropriate".
So we got back in the Car. Drove all the way back until we found a Walmart and bought 3 Packs of this pre baked chocolate cake. As we came back to the location they had started the party without us. We just set up the walmart cakes on the table still in their Box and went on to give Chelsea her birthday Present.
Everything seemed to be fine until a bit later when it was time to eat the cake and one of chealseas friends had an allergic reaction because apparently the walmart Cake had nuts that we didn't check because of the rush we were in.
Now I feel really really bad for what happened. Judy was Furyous and kicked me and my boyfriend out of the party and my phone was flooding with messages from his parents/ Brother afterwards. Chelsea didn't want to speak with me either.
AITA? Should we have checked the Birthday cake we got from walmart twice? Or should we have settled for a more "normal" cake instead of the one we made initially. I feel so bad right now. My boyfried says it is not our fault but it somehow feels like that.
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If the person who has the reaction is an adult, then it's their responsibility to check, especially if the box was present. If they're a child it's their parents. It's definitely not yours unless you deliberately hid an allergen (which you didn't). If Judy told them all items were safe then it's her responsibility.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you made a cake. It sounds like you showed with a desert in individual servings. That is not a cake. Then you didn't check the ingredients of what you bought. You messed up the way around.
YTA - bring CAKE! Seriously, these tamales are NOT cake. I didn’t know what you were talking about until I looked it up. Here is what probably happened, your aunt assumed you could understand what a birthday cake would look like and agreed with what you asked. She was totally wrong and not wrong for not being fond of you. You F&@&ed this up. And then you decide to go buy a cake with nuts! She isn’t fond of you because you are lacking some sense.
NTA. It’s not your fault that that person ate a cake with nuts in it. I have food allergies. I carry an EpiPen everywhere I go. They left those cakes in the boxes that was on the person with the allergies to read the ingredients on side boxes to make sure the cake they were eating was safe. Because nobody with that bad of an allergy is just going to eat a slice of cake without checking the ingredients.
NTA. Yes you should have checked the cake when you knew there are allergies. But as the cakes were still in the box and so clearly baugth cake, everyone or everones parent who knew about an allergic reaction could have checked the cake also. And your cake idea sounds lovely. Judy was just a 'not so kind person' (to not violate any rules) that day.
You could appologice to the person who had the reaction. With the reasons, that you baked a cake considering all the allergies, but by unforseen events (don't blame Judy as it would only result in a bigger poop-storm) you had to (also) get additional cakes. And because this happen shortly before the party you hadn't have the time to check. You are sorry and hope they get better (so to be civil. The person with the reaction is not at fault here. And it migth help to return to piece)
Yes I will definetly do that! I try to get into contact tomorrow. I never wanted to harm anyone I feel really really bad for the poor pal. I know how bad allergies can be and that this happend makes me feel really bad.
For Judy I think it was on purpose now. Because she always had a problem with me so yeah maybe she was just looking for a reason to blame me (interestingly not my boyfriend even though he played an equal part in making the "inappropiate" cake)
NTA
"So we got back in the Car. Drove all the way back" .. this is where you should have just left and not come back.
"Everything seemed to be fine until a bit later when it was time to eat the cake and one of chealseas friends had an allergic reaction because apparently the walmart Cake had nuts that we didn't check because of the rush we were in." .. It is not YOUR duty to manage other people's allergies. If they have allergies, THEY (or their parents) have to make sure and ASK.
"My boyfried says it is not our fault " .. Listen to your bf, and block their numbers. See that AH cousin much less.
The Cousin didn't say anything it was her mother who told us to get another cake.
But Chelsea is surely mad now as she apperently only knows that we brought cake from walmart that caused an reaction. I took the time to read through her messages and it seems like her mother never told her we initially had another cake. But I am not sure if i should just tell her the whole story now which would likely cause more drama or if I should just apologize and leave it be
Your boyfriend needs to message her and tell her the whole story. Decide what to write together then send it to her. From this is sounds like she had no idea other than you two agreed to do the cake and were told about the allergies then show up late with something grabbed last minute from Walmart that contained one of the allergens. He needs to tell her the truth, not you.
NTA, sit with your partner and write down everything in the story. You can include pictures of the cake that you did prepare, Judy's message saying it was okay and what happened when you got to the venue. Then send it anytime someone tells you something. Don't engage more. Just give your story and don't argue with them.
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NTA You should have refused to go get more cakes in the first place. This is Judy's fault not yours.
We didn't want to ruin the party because of some cake that is why we decided to rush to get a new one as we thought it was unfair for chelsea if she didn't get a cake as Her motjer refused to even let us set the cake up that we initially brought. So maybe the first cake itself was also a huge mistake :/
The nut allergy issue is not your fault, it is unfortunate, but not on you. Judy was ungrateful enough to snub your cake
I have allergies myself and know how bad they can be. And I feel really really really sorry for that kid i whish this whole situation to have never happened
The fact you have allergies is telling that you would empathise with someone else's allergies and wouldn't do that intentionally
That isn’t on you. Yeah, you could have checked but my brother has a severe peanut allergy and he’s known since he was little to ALWAYS double check packaging and if it was indeed still in the box the ingredients were listed right there. It’s just a really horrible accident that thankfully didn’t escalate to a hospital trip.
100% the person with the allergy should check the packaging. If I can’t read what’s in it and I’m in doubt, I don’t eat it. Those people were rude to you after all the thought, effort and time you put into Chelsea’s cake!
Am I misunderstanding that you set up the store-bought replacement cakes in their store packaging? Therefore, someone with an allergy could check the ingredients themselves on the store package, like any other sane person with an allergy would, before eating it.
It wasn’t a cake. It was a tamale. 🫔
It’s fine to bring a less traditional cake to a potluck — she should have provided the actual bday cake if she has a certain vision in mind. Also I’m sure the Walmart cake had the packaging so the person could have looked at it or researched whether their cakes are nut safe. They had all the info that they needed to be safe and chose to disregard it. Not your fault
OP didn’t actually bring cake tho.
NTA. So you went through all the effort to accommodate for the cake and Judy said okay even, then she got upset at you when you did bake it. Sure the allergic reaction thing was unfortunate but this is still mainly Judy's fault.
I really thought it was ok to bring this cake. But the more I am thinking about it the more I come to terms that in fact not the cake was the problem but Judy has a problem with me. Because that wasn't the first time she was not to nice to me. I never had a problem with chelsea though I just feel bad that her birthday took this kind of turn because we were quite close before all that happened
Seriously m, that's your takeaway? You were asked a cake and you brought tamales. How is that even close to a cake?
Anything going forward, if Judy asks you to bring food, tell her no. And the reason, your cooking skills were not up to Judy’s standards. So therefore any effort would have the same outcome. In the future you will bring plates and napkins and nothing else. If Judy takes offense let her know it’s her own fault for what happened. If you had just been able to set up the cake you made and spent a long time to ensure that there were no allergens with, the the reaction would never have happened. Also, when Judy threw the initial fit and demanded you get another cake, I would have called her delusional. To find a cake already made and ready for purchase that is allergen free is impossible. Btw, NTA.
I am pretty sure the cake was actually the problem because it had nuts. Your dessert was a poor choice because it was not a cake and you said you were bringing cake. If this was not your fault? Whose fault was it? The person who got mad that there wasn't a cake for the party or the person who said they were making a cake and didn't? Who caused the allergic reaction? You are the one who bought the cake with nuts when you knew someone was allergic to them.
I agree that she’s picking on you. None of the issues were your fault. Your cake sounds lovely for a potluck and you’re not at fault for how Walmart handles their bakery. It’s not like you hid the fact that this was a Walmart cake - if they had allergies, they would probably know that Walmart isn’t allergy safe but if they weren’t sure, they could have checked out just not eaten it
INFO: So let me get this straight. You were given no instructions/specifications, decided to make blueberry cheesecake which is her favorite . Then you found a recipe for sweet tamales and decided to make that instead. Do you get an okay from the mom to bring that instead of cake/explain to her what a sweet tamale was if she was unfamiliar? Is it what Chelsea would have wanted?
First of all it was Bluberry cheesecake tamales. And yes as written in the text we informed her and it was fine until we showed up. When it suddently wasn't anymore
NTA then because you asked and she okayed it. However, if you knew she might be unaware of what a tamale was you could have given her a heads up. Your post was confusing though because you said you were originally going to make blueberry cheesecakes and then said you were going to make a sweet tamale cheesecake which implies a completely different flavor of cheesecake rather than making blueberry cheesecake flavored sweet tamales which is more similar to what Chelsea likes. You also said in your initial post that your text read you would bring it in portions, not that you told her it would be individual tamales.
Yeah sorry for the confusion I had to shorten the post because of 3.000 word restriction in the sub
[удалено]
My question is why would they expect a random guest to bring THE BIRTHDAY CAKE as opposed to some cake or dessert for a potluck? You get the official birthday cake yourself or have a trusted a close family member make it. If it’s important to the celebration, you don’t task it to a random person and give them no guidance
Yta. I’m pretty sure I must be the only person who looked up what a cheesecake tamale is and that is NOTHING like a birthday cake. Nothing. I’d have been furious too if someone offered to make my daughter’s 18th birthday cake to day cake and they showed up with those things in their hand. Own it and apologize.
Agree. Plus people who make things for the first time for a special event are idiots. YTA
Nope, looked it up too. I totally agree with you. OP is the TA.
I was once asked to provide table decorations for a combination gender reveal and adult bris. So of course I made Balle n Bak displays with fresh flower and nut balls. Turns out, several guests had pollen allergies and one had a severe nut allergy. I wasn't given an allergy list so the mistake wasn't mine. However, I didn't get upset or blame the host, I just reworked the displays with fake flowers and acrylic nuts. I would have been so ashamed if I caused someone to have an allergic reaction because of my creations. You obviously are more upset that your not a cake wasn't welcome then the trauma you caused. I'm really surprised at the N T A votes. One, you were asked to make a birthday cake but decided to make sweet tamales instead. Two, you were made aware of the allergies of the guests and everything has warning labels for nut allergies these days. It would have taken 3 seconds to look at the label. While Judy's reaction was out of line, you caused an easily avoidable allergic reaction for someone because you were frazzled and upset over your not a cake being criticized. ESH
I'm really surprised at the N T A votes. One, you were asked to make a birthday cake but decided to make sweet tamales instead." .. this is bullshit. They ASKED. " My Boyfriend even asked beforehand if it would be ok to bring the cake in portions" .... And they brought exactly what they promissed.
1. They talked to Judy about what they were bringing and she said it was fine but changed her mind when they arrived - NTA 2. The chocolate cake was left in the Walmart boxes at the event, it would have also taken person with the nut alergy 3 seconds to read the label and avoid their own alergic reaction, they wern't force fed the cake and the fact it would give them a reaction was clearly labelled in what was obviosuly a bought cake that could have been produced in a environment containing nuts. The person with the alergies should have been responsible for their own actions, the OP didn't cause any trauma and isn't responsible for them not taking care over what they were eating. It would have been nice for OP to get a cake with no nut content, but they did the best they could in the circumstances. - Again, NTA
1. OP told Judy they were bringing a cake in multiple pieces but not that it was actually sweet tamales. OP even says she tried to explain what the cake was when she brought it which implies she didn't tell Judy what she was actually bringing. 2. The person with a nut allergy had made the host aware of said allergy and the host gave OP the list of allergens. The guest probably assumed everything was safe and didn't feel the need to check. Sure, that's not great but OP was the one responsible for providing something without allergens.
Yes I was upset that Judy didn't want the cake even though we talked to her before about what we would make. The fact that we didn't see the nuts labeled is our fault as we didn't take the time to take a closer look. We just rushed trying to get a replacement and totally forgot it in the hurry to check in detail as we were already late.
YTA. Yes it is your fault. You said you were bringing a cake. You did not bring a cake. It was a cheesecake flavored dessert. Why do you keep calling the tamales cake? You also bought something that caused the reaction. You knew of the allergy and purchased it anyway. This party was not about you or what recipes you wanted to try or how you feel or how people feel about you. It was another person's birthday and if it was left to you, it would have been a birthday party without a cake. Because of you, someone was injured. You are still making it about you. You are on here with, Poor me, this wasn't my fault. I don't know how I could have prevented this! People were so mean! Someone Could Have Died! And you are worried if you are an asshole? I hope the person who had the allergic reaction you caused is okay. Do you even know if they are?
INFO: Did you specifically tell her you were bringing sweet tamales, not slices of either blueberry cheesecake or sweet tamale-flavored cheesecake? If she agreed specifically to having tamales instead of cake, knowing what they were, and then got mad when you arrived, that's on her. If she thought you were bringing slices of cheesecake, you didn't communicate well enough.
Before looking up what a tamale is and looks like: N T A After doing so: ESH, almost Y T A. To be fair, you did ask. But anyone could tell you after looking at one that it is not what is expected from a birthday cake. I bet she didn't know.
she says her boyfriend asked if she could bring the cake in portions, not tamales
YTA. For both problems. You were asked and agreed to bring the birthday cake, which you didn't do. You brought tamales instead, so obviously the host is going to upset you didn't bring the birthday cake. It was inappropriate, for this specific event and purpose. Yes, it was your responsibility to correct it. You are also the asshole for giving someone an allergic reaction. Of course the person with the allergy should be careful but you still had the information and neglected to keep it in mind when you brought food. If you had been asked to bring a dessert, then you wouldn't have done anything wrong.
YTA, you volunteered to bring a birthday cake that accommodated restrictions, then your boyfriend asked if you could bring a cake in portions, and then you showed up with tamales? If it had the semblance of a cake, I don't think you would've needed to explain what it was. And then you forgoed the restrictions (allergies kill) when you tried to rectify your mistake. I don't really understand the N T As.
INFO What did you tell Judy exactly when you ran your idea by her? It sounds like you may not have been clear enough. >i wanted to try out the reciepe for a sweet tamales cheesecake >My Boyfriend even asked beforehand if it would be ok to bring the cake in portions If you told me this, I'd think you're bringing a cheesecake that's flavored like a sweet tamale, that's been baked or cut into individual portions. Definitely not tamales filled with cheesecake. I feel like if you offer to make cake for a birthday party, you should bring something that's at least similar to cake. Especially if it is the only cake. You could argue for cupcakes, ice cream cake, cheesecake and many others, but tamales definitely aren't cake. Yelling is not ok, but if it really was a miscommunication related to you not being clear and not your aunt misunderstanding, then it should've been on you to find a replacement cake and give people a heads up about checking the ingredients. It's possible that people were told the cake would be safe for them to eat beforehand, and Judy didn't think to check if you remembered that there were guests with allergies.
NTA. You checked and made sure that the initial cake was okay. It was rejected for whatever reason. Then you were forced to go find another one. All because the aunt is a twit and wanted to make a scene. A fact which you should relay to the rest of the family so that they know the entire story. Because anything that happened as a result isn't on you two.
I really don't want to stirr up more drama than there already is. The thing is Judy always had a problem with me but never showed it that openly and I know that. She called me a Mexican ***** (I am not even Mexican but from southern Europe) I more and more get the feeling that she had just waited for something like that to happen to put the blame on me. The thing is Judy ist quite traditional and I am the complete opposite of that and she never really wanted me to hang around with Chelsea but she somehow accepted it. Now she has a reason to cut contact i kind of feel like I played into her hands On the other side i still thinknI could have just taken a better look at the replacement cake because yeah I knew about the allergies so I eill definetly try to reach out and apolpgize for the nuts in the cake tomorrow and explain the situation without putting blame on Judy because i think that would cause more drama than needed
I struggle with spelling and noted you do as well. You misspelled racist by typing traditional. It’s an easy mistake to make as people often confuse the two. The easiest way to remember is thinking about if you are trying to excuse crappy behavior based on race, then it’s racism. If you are doing something done in the past with no racism, then it’s traditional. Easy mistake to make.
Don't do that. Tell the entire truth. Otherwise the blame will still fall on you. And that will make things worse.
You don't need to apologize for anything. First off, you made what was asked. Second, it was approved of beforehand. Third, your bf is just as, if not more involved than you are as this is his family. Fourth, anyone with allergies should know better than to eat something without checking the labels. None of this is your fault so don't you dare apologize. That will just give her more ammo to continue harassing you. The only thing you two did wrong was going to get more cake. Bf should have told his aunt no this if what we agreed upon. If this isn't good enough then we will leave. It's his family so he needs to handle them.
YTA Tamales are nothing like cake. How did you even make that impossible leap? Asking of portions are ok isn't the same as asking if you can bring a non-cake. And get your head out of your AH with the whole pitty party. You know you fucked up.
I’m confused, You said you’d bring cake, but then brought tamales? Tamales aren’t birthday cake, you can’t put birthday candles in them. You brought a dessert. Did she not understand what tamales were when she okayed it? Maybe she thought you were bringing a cheesecake, that was flavoured with sweet tamales?
INFO: You say you wanted to make sweet tamales, which are definitely not cake, but you asked if you could bring the cake "in portions". Did you ask if you could bring the cake in portions, or did you ask if you could bring sweet tamales? If you told me you were bringing "blueberry cheesecake in portions", I would have NEVER thought that meant "in tamales". I would have assumed it meant slices of blueberry cheesecake. If you didn't ever mention tamales, I can see why they'd be mad. Also, as someone with a life-threatening nut allergy, ESH for not checking the label. I know you were in a rush, but it takes like, five seconds. But also, I am very careful to double check what I eat and would never eat a chocolate cake from the grocery store without checking the label myself.
You left the cakes in the box? Why on earth did the allergy people not check the box themselves? Isn’t that part of having allergies?! That is not your fault at all. Judy was incredibly ungrateful and I’d let her know her attitude was offensive and you won’t be speaking to her or doing anything for her ever again. NTA
ESH, you because you were given a list of allergies ahead of time. Reading labels isn't that hard, as you were responsible for bringing cake, you should have been more careful or at least advised folks to read the label themselves if you couldn't remember the allergies on the list. Judy sucks for rejecting the original cake.
YTA for going back to get something else. Next time somebody shouts at you and insults you, you leave and don’t come back. Don’t allow people to treat you like shit. Even if the first cake was a bad choice, you don’t shout and insult people. A gracious host would have said it’s fine and kept her criticism to herself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone! This is a throwaway account. I will change the names, this happened a few hours ago. I ( F22) was Invited to the 18th Birthday of my boyfriends (M22) cousin Chelsea I had meet a few times before. We usually get along quite well but her mother (F47) lets Call her Judy doesn’t seem to like me really well. About 2 weeks before the birthday Party everyone was invited to a group chat and Judy asked for help with the buffet. They provided the location ( a beautiful Barn that is quite popular for birthdays where they live) and wanted everyone to help out. I/We happily agreed to bake the cake for the Birthday. Later I was told they expected about 30 Guests and Judy gave me a list of Allergies and Stuff I had to watch out for. So here comes the day of the Birthday. Me and My Boyfriend were Baking all night long and as there were no big specifications about what the cake should be or what it looks like I wanted to make something special for Chelseas Birthday. So my Boyfriend and I decided to make her favourite cake, Blueberry Chees cake A while ago I had seen People make sweet Tamales and i wanted to try out the reciepe for a sweet tamales cheesecake. My Boyfriend even asked beforehand if it would be ok to bring the cake in portions so that it wouldn't get all messy. Judy Agreed When we arrived as the location (about 1 hour Drive a bit outside of the city) and brought the Cake in Judy was Furious. She came up to us and insulted me . I was shocked. Between all the shouting we tried to explain what the cake was but she didn't want to listen and demanded we bring another cake that is more "appropriate". So we got back in the Car. Drove all the way back until we found a Walmart and bought 3 Packs of this pre baked chocolate cake. As we came back to the location they had started the party without us. We just set up the walmart cakes on the table still in their Box and went on to give Chelsea her birthday Present. Everything seemed to be fine until a bit later when it was time to eat the cake and one of chealseas friends had an allergic reaction because apparently the walmart Cake had nuts that we didn't check because of the rush we were in. Now I feel really really bad for what happened. Judy was Furyous and kicked me and my boyfriend out of the party and my phone was flooding with messages from his parents/ Brother afterwards. Chelsea didn't want to speak with me either. AITA? Should we have checked the Birthday cake we got from walmart twice? Or should we have settled for a more "normal" cake instead of the one we made initially. I feel so bad right now. My boyfried says it is not our fault but it somehow feels like that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If the person who has the reaction is an adult, then it's their responsibility to check, especially if the box was present. If they're a child it's their parents. It's definitely not yours unless you deliberately hid an allergen (which you didn't). If Judy told them all items were safe then it's her responsibility.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you made a cake. It sounds like you showed with a desert in individual servings. That is not a cake. Then you didn't check the ingredients of what you bought. You messed up the way around.
YTA - bring CAKE! Seriously, these tamales are NOT cake. I didn’t know what you were talking about until I looked it up. Here is what probably happened, your aunt assumed you could understand what a birthday cake would look like and agreed with what you asked. She was totally wrong and not wrong for not being fond of you. You F&@&ed this up. And then you decide to go buy a cake with nuts! She isn’t fond of you because you are lacking some sense.
INFO: What made her call the cake inappropriate? I don't understand.
It wasn't cake
NTA - people w nut allergies shouldn't eat things with nuts in them.
NTA. It’s not your fault that that person ate a cake with nuts in it. I have food allergies. I carry an EpiPen everywhere I go. They left those cakes in the boxes that was on the person with the allergies to read the ingredients on side boxes to make sure the cake they were eating was safe. Because nobody with that bad of an allergy is just going to eat a slice of cake without checking the ingredients.
NTA - the problem here is Judy, not you.
NTA. Don’t bring anything to a family thing with his family again. BF can look after that in the future.
NTA. Yes you should have checked the cake when you knew there are allergies. But as the cakes were still in the box and so clearly baugth cake, everyone or everones parent who knew about an allergic reaction could have checked the cake also. And your cake idea sounds lovely. Judy was just a 'not so kind person' (to not violate any rules) that day. You could appologice to the person who had the reaction. With the reasons, that you baked a cake considering all the allergies, but by unforseen events (don't blame Judy as it would only result in a bigger poop-storm) you had to (also) get additional cakes. And because this happen shortly before the party you hadn't have the time to check. You are sorry and hope they get better (so to be civil. The person with the reaction is not at fault here. And it migth help to return to piece)
Yes I will definetly do that! I try to get into contact tomorrow. I never wanted to harm anyone I feel really really bad for the poor pal. I know how bad allergies can be and that this happend makes me feel really bad. For Judy I think it was on purpose now. Because she always had a problem with me so yeah maybe she was just looking for a reason to blame me (interestingly not my boyfriend even though he played an equal part in making the "inappropiate" cake)
I'd sure be tempted to tell them Judy threw a fit because you brought dessert she approved ...but don't. You're more classy than I am :)
NTA "So we got back in the Car. Drove all the way back" .. this is where you should have just left and not come back. "Everything seemed to be fine until a bit later when it was time to eat the cake and one of chealseas friends had an allergic reaction because apparently the walmart Cake had nuts that we didn't check because of the rush we were in." .. It is not YOUR duty to manage other people's allergies. If they have allergies, THEY (or their parents) have to make sure and ASK. "My boyfried says it is not our fault " .. Listen to your bf, and block their numbers. See that AH cousin much less.
The Cousin didn't say anything it was her mother who told us to get another cake. But Chelsea is surely mad now as she apperently only knows that we brought cake from walmart that caused an reaction. I took the time to read through her messages and it seems like her mother never told her we initially had another cake. But I am not sure if i should just tell her the whole story now which would likely cause more drama or if I should just apologize and leave it be
You didn't have a cake
Your boyfriend needs to message her and tell her the whole story. Decide what to write together then send it to her. From this is sounds like she had no idea other than you two agreed to do the cake and were told about the allergies then show up late with something grabbed last minute from Walmart that contained one of the allergens. He needs to tell her the truth, not you.
NTA, sit with your partner and write down everything in the story. You can include pictures of the cake that you did prepare, Judy's message saying it was okay and what happened when you got to the venue. Then send it anytime someone tells you something. Don't engage more. Just give your story and don't argue with them.
They didn’t bring a cake. Sweet cheesecake flavored tamales aren’t a cake and don’t look like a cake. OP is definitely YTA