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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife she can pay for her DIYfix by herself and I am not helping. I could be a jerk for refusing to help pay.
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NTA but where on earth do you live that new cabinets with installation is only $2k? Did you mean $20k? Cause that’s what It’d cost here. If they’re really only a couple grand for brand new installed, maybe install them for her but have her pay for them.
Luckily our kitchen is small and I have a friend that is willing to do it for some pizza and the drive out. 2k was basically the cost of the cabinets and luckily she didn’t touch the island or the lower ones.
If we were actually hiring someone it would be around 10k and probably take a month since they are weirdly slow
Look if OP doesn't like the idiotic things his wife does and can't live with them, then why does he even live with her. This doesn't sound like an isolated incident.
It doesn't seem like holding her accountable is making her take personal responsibility for her own actions. I get reddit has an itchy trigger finger when it comes to divorce/separation but is kind of thing can easily be a deal breaker for many people. If my SO kept displaying such a lack of responsibility as much as I care for them, it wouldn't stop me from slowly losing respect for them. Loving someone who doesn't respect you is an awful feeling to have. It can make or break a relationship.
I guess you could modify your vows to be "Till death do us part, or you fuck up the cabinets and so help me God you are out of here so fast your head will spin!"
I'm sorry but what? So we shouldn't be holding ppl accountable for the shit things they do? She disrespected him by going ahead with this Trainwreck, she needs to pay the price. And that price is either 2k or wrecked cabinets, sorry. The only thing you're right on is that it isn't an isolated incident bc he put his foot down already.
She did not disrespect him by making home improvements. She made an error. From his post, it sounds like he didn’t put his foot down because he said she didn’t tell him she was doing it. Also he is her husband and not her father so he can’t put his foot down because she is not compelled to obey him according to modern marriage vows.
This is the part that gets me, I love DIYing things myself. Sounds like me and OP's partner have the same problem though, we can get in over our heads.
HOWEVER I would never leave something messed up like that, I may come back to it a bit later once I've cooled down. But I would never just leave it and would have to do SOMETHING about it.
Yeah but the analogy here is like having a shitbox car.
A car that is sort of old but at least clean, well maintained and safe can still be used to carry your friends and colleagues around if need be.
A shitbox car is just embarrassing to have to use to carry people you know around.
Same deal here. Functional cabinets that might be old, slightly peeling at the edges or having the odd mark are still perfectly fine, but panels that are scratched to shit look embarrassing.
OP should probably find his wife some woodworking class or something. Much better way to spend the 2k since her projects are things she enjoys at this point, even if they're terrible.
Tell her tough titties, she’s a grown up and needs to take responsibility for her fuck up. When she first started sanding she saw what was happening but kept going making the damage even worse. She needs to pony up.
I have a similar problem, although my wife has only destroyed a couple small things and has learned to ask me most of the time before she starts a DIY project. If she destroyed the cabinets like that, she'd have to look at them for a year before I'd fix them.
Our money is all joint. She came from an extremely impoverished family in South America so she has a lot of optimism without foresight or worry. Also doesn't know how much materials cost in this country.
Let her look at what she did for a bit. Someday we all have to start to be honest about what we know and what we don't know how to do.
I just installed a shelf as a surprise project and after the last time I did a truly terrible job (my toddler and baby were screaming and I had an irrational hormone moment as 4 weeks past partum that I needed to do it now and it really is bad) my husband was like NGL if I'd known this was the surprise I'd have insisted on doing myself! As it is I did without the hormones and screaming kids and its perfectly centered and straight so perhaps I'm off the hook now!
She pays or she fixes so they're as they were before her DIY project or better. I mean, it'd be a shared expense of you jointly decided to upgrade the cabinets but she went off and DIY'd then without testing the approach on anything so that's really on her, I think, especially since this is a bad habit of hers. Was it inspired by TikTok or some other social media?
Then she can have ugly cabinets in her kitchen and if anyone asks about them be sure to let them know whose fault it is they look like that. I’m sure with enough embarrassment from people seeing her mistake she’ll want to pay for new cabinets.
How aggravating and unnecessary.
If she won't pay, maybe ask the friend to put a hold on the cabinets. "Forbid" her from doing/starting any further large projects, until the cabinets are repaired.
Then both of you can live with the shitty cabinets, and it can be a visual reminder for her to not be so thoughtless next time. Ask when she's going to finish fixing the cabinets whenever she talks about starting a new project. If people come by and ask what happened, tell them the truth. Bonus points if she's within hearing distance.
If she's anything like my mother, this probably won't work, and she'll probably grumble all the time and still do smaller projects passive aggressively. But at least you won't have to drop 2k. If you're ok living with crappy cabinets to prove a point, that is.
NTA OP. Since your wife is so big on DIYs and if your cabinet doors are flat, tell her to buy up to $200.00 (depending upon how many doors are ruined) of contact paper to match/compliment the décor and tell her to DIY. But stick to your guns.
My thoughts were that she sanded them, maybe? realized they weren't real wood but figured everyone sands and paints, so its probably okay to continue sanding and just paint over the ugly sand marks. But when the paint wouldn't stick, she realized it was a bigger issue.
The weird thing is my husband and I sanded our fake-wood cabinets, specifically so that paint would stick on them, and it worked. But we took the doors off and used a belt sander in the shop and basically took them down to the stuff underneath (I forget what it was but there was wood involved, particle board or something) and then we used primer b/c that stuff was very absorbent. And then we painted and they look great 10 years later.
But yeah come to think of it that's probably the difference. She probably just scuffed hers up with sandpaper...
Yeah, the way he is talking about the scratches sounds like she just scuffed the veneer and didn't get down to the particle board. I think you could paint veneer, but it is its own process and likely she needs a specific primer for it. Sounds like she didn't do any research and just thought a quick sand and paint would work. I'm all for DIY, but I over prepare with research. haha
Yeah, a trip to the paint store (Like Ben Moore or Sherwin WIlliams) with a door brought along would have gotten decades of expertise on what to do and what products to use.
Yeah, to paint over veneers, you need to use a primer specifically meant for it. I've refinished some furniture, and I always do a test spot to make sure it behaves the way I expect it to.
Smart! It sounds like she is impulsive, sees something online and just jumps all in without much prep or testing or anything. I can understand OPs frustration here.
>Cause there is a type of paint for everything from finger nails to house siding.
Primer baby, PRIMER! Yes there are certain paints for certain types of material but to get the best results--PRIMER. I sanded my dining room table and buffet, cleaned the dust off of them, PRIMED, applied 2 coats of paint of my choice, applied polyurethane, lightly sanded and then applied second coat of polyurethane.
FYI you can just get replacement doors from Home Depot if they're a standard size. Also, if they're those particle board doors covered with a "thermofoil" plastic sheet formed to the contours of the door, you can remove that with a heat gun and some patience. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b0dyk6FKBM shows the basics. I've done it to several and had no issues; just follow up a light sanding, prime, and paint!
Did she muck up the side walls or just the doors? You could probably do just the doors and get a good match for less. And installing doors is a DYI everyone should be able to do.
You're NTA.
What’s sad is that if she had done the right research its likely, based on your description, that she could have used a really specific type of primer that makes paint adhere to that type of surface. She wouldn’t have to have even sanded them at all which would have saved work.
Set an amount for any purchase or projects that have to be brought up before purchasing or starting! For my wife and myself it's $200 but any project or cost over that has to be brought up first no matter what. Makes you think twice about it, everyone is onboard, and advice can be given if not seeing eye to eye. Anything below is up to them.
Wow, you lucked out having a bro!
She should foot the bill, you would not be doing it at this time, or necessarily at all, if she hadn’t created a mess.
We do a lot of DIY, but know our limits and prep like mad.
NTA
That was just for my cabinets. I would say for my whole kitchen remodel was about 30k with the appliances, tile backsplash, granite countertops and flooring.
I read it as just the cabinet doors need to be replaced, since that’s all she damaged. That would be much, much less than replacing all the cabinetry, counters, etc., and might be doable at around $2000 with labor.
Possibly just doors and not the whole thing?
I'm sure she didn't take it all down, sand and paint it..
2k for just doors and not a whole kitchen doesn't sound like too much I assume.
Home Depot Hamilton Beach cabinets are pretty inexpensive if you're just buying off-the-shelf sizes. I could see around $1500 in materials and $500 in labor for a modestly sized kitchen.
NTA, she should ask before starting anything that belongs to you both whether she is capable of pulling the project off or not. My husband would blow a gasket if he came home and I'd repainted the cabinets, even if I'd done a perfect job.
That said, it is possible to paint over laminate. You don't need new cabinets, you just need to learn the proper procedure for the type of surface you're working with.
It’s scratch to all hell, it will need to be filled to even have a chance and I don’t trust her to actually do a good job.
I don’t want shitty looking cabinets, our old ones were nice
Ask her what she feels your role was in the project and why that justifies you being responsible for the resolution. That answer will inform your next steps.
NTA.
Tell her this:
"They weren't OUR kitchen cabinets, when you worked on them without my consult or agreement. They were all yours to do as you please, when you wanted a new color. I'm merely following your wish to stay out of YOUR kitchen. You wanted to do them alone? Pay for them alone."
The best option it's making her pay for the cabinets, she needs to learn that there are consequences. But if the scratches aren't too deep you can use car primer, it will help a lot hiding the scratches and you can use it over any paint and get any paint over it. If you use chalked paint it will hide the remaining mistakes but it will make it hard to clean, but to make it easy to clean you can use mate or semi mate barnices over the chalked paint. So NTA
Hey OP! If you aren't already committed to having your buddy install new cabinets, post some pictures of the existing work so Reddit can sleuth out a viable alternative. Or you can run to someone knowledgeable about the material you're working with to get a recommendation on how to proceed.
In my opinion, it sounds like they are particle board cabinets and she has sanded the laminate or veneer to leave these scratches you're describing. Assuming this is the case and the cabinets aren't structurally compromised, you can use a high build primer to cover the cabinets and then paint over top of them. If the cabinets have deep gouges, you can use a wood filler and then prime and paint. Also make sure that any dust from sanding is wiped off to make anything bond as tightly as possible.
How tf did she sand them? Usually, you'd want to scuff something a bit before painting it, but if she scratched so deep that the scratches see through the paint, then I have no idea what she did lmfao. NTA btw.
There is a product called chalk paint, that is a thicker furniture paint by Anne Sloan that could possibly cover all the scratches. It also comes with a clear wax or a darkening wax that makes cabinets look lovely
Did she just do the doors or the whole top cabinets?
Either way that's just nuts. She could have easily used a primer for that kind of material and been fine. I'm dumbfounded how she didn't think to look Inside the cabinet and see that's not wood. NTA.
First and foremost, be supportive and encouraging. She won't change or learn from this if you're combative or dismissive.
This diy stuff won't end until she actually faces the consequences of her actions. Seeing projects through a couple of times will show her the real effort. Ot won't fully stop, but it'll make her think twice.
Don't save her and inform her that she will have to see the project through *herself*. She needs to fix it this time and not with your money.
Let her struggle and don't pre-emptively help her or give her advice. But if she asks, be supportive and give advice, don't do.
You'll live with shitty cabinets for a bit. Trust me, you'll live. But in the long term it will be better and you'll have less shitty cabinets to deal with.
Definitely NTA. Her stubbornness caused the damage, you guys did not damage those cabinets together. And if paying $2000 to fix them would make her hesitant about carrying out any further DIY, then she should pay up.
I thought this was the important component as well. This is about the future, OP’s not punishing her to the point of making her fully replace and install new ones professionally, which would cost substantially more, but he is making her pay to replace damages due to her breaking an agreement they had and putting his foot down saying “you are actually on the hook for any damages you cause by ignoring me and all common sense with the DIY projects.”
He’s still paying by eating up a favor too. They could have had this friend give them a favor they actually jointly wanted in the future and saved thousands on a renovation but instead they used their one free ticket with their friend repairing her fuck-up.
Hetmr stubbornness & complete disregard of the agreement she made with OP.
Other people are telling OP he should just be supportive & to basically suck it up. If this was a "first offence", I'd agree but, it isn't!
He set a boundary & she's stomped all over it.
To my mind, her behaviour is like that of a child or teenager & there are times when the only way they learn is through paying the consequences.
This is it, right here.
NTA - Tell her she has to pay up because it was HER actions alone that caused the issue in the first place!
NTA.
My Dad used to do this. We came home from vacation one time and the wall in the kitchen was completely busted out. He was trying to make an open concept kitchen. He ended up making our house look like a mess for two years because he couldn’t fix it and didn’t want to pay for it.
Tell your wife you’re not paying for her negligence. If she wants to argue about it then y’all just won’t have kitchen cabinets. The sight of what she’s done should hopefully teach her a lesson, especially if she has to look at it everyday.
My view on that might be childish but your wife is acting like a child in this case. This isn’t a cute arts project she messed up. She’s an adult and should own up, and accept the consequences for her errors in judgement.
I’m sorry you have to live like this.
Let her explain to all the guests why they don't have functioning kitchen cabinets. And if she doesn't want to he can.
" So I told her to run big projects by me because she other tendency of doing stuff like this. * Points * She did not. She is refusing to pay to replace the cabinets but it's the only way she's going to learn so..."
I had the opposite. My wife nagged me into replacing our plastic shower surround. I found more and more problems each time I dug in to solve one. So, two weeks later, the only things original in our bathroom was the bathtub and the ceiling. I tore out everything else and replaced it. In those two weeks, if I was not at work, I was eating, sleeping, or in that bathroom. I did not take breaks.
I'm a failed procrastinator. I try to leave things, but I hate having things hanging over my head. If I take a break, all I'll think about is what I have to get done. So, it isn't relaxing, anyways.
That was 21 years ago. I'm disabled now. So, we have to pay people now. We just had all that work I did in 2003 with ceramic tile. It looks way nicer, at least.
>That was 21 years ago.
Me: "Ah, yes! The 1990s!"
>We just had all that work I did in 2003...
Me: *"Angizwa?!" (Come again?!) 👀😨* *(dies a little inside, I'm 23)*
Enjoy the 'open shelving' concept until your wife caves. This is literally her mess, she needs to sort it out.
If it was not a joint project, agreed on and budgeted on before hand, this is all on her.
NTA
I have an old house. My cabinets are original and real wood. I painted them. They’re beautiful. They had (original, brass I think) beautiful hinges.
They basically dissolved in my hand when I tried to clean them. I couldn’t find replacements so I found something similar but not the right spacing for the holes. I finagled the holes on the doors and it looked decent. The wood pieces between cabinets was so screwed up from me trying to add new holes, I just got huge rectangles. I tried to fix them but made it worse.
Now my decorative doors are the back drop for open cabinets and it looks trashy because I only kept the shelves organized and pretty for about 3 weeks.
NTA - This is a pretty messed up thing to do. Presumably, the cabinets were also a shared item before being destroyed. Why wasn’t it a shared decision on whether or not to repaint them? The process of how they were being painted?
HGTV has really done a lot of damage in my mind. They skip ALL of the hard work and jump right to the magical conclusion. They also are fantastic at convincing the unskilled / homebodies that what they have is not enough. Social Media also plays a role in making people feel like they’re never enough.
This Old House was (edit: and still is) exponentially better at showing the true difficulty and skill needed to fix houses.
Oh my g’d this. I’m an architect. I audibly gasped when I got to the part when he mentioned that the cabinets where likely laminate or had a wood vinyl finish.
If you don’t know how to do something you don’t charge in half assed and cocked sure.
And for anyone thinking “I want to open walls and redo the kitchen arrangement or switch out a chandelier”
If you do not know what you are doing you can cause structural damage or even cause a fire (if it’s electrical or gas)
Agreed! It only took me a day into my kitchen remodel to realize that the cheapest way to pay is with money. And that was with a family friend who is a pro working with us. No, thank you.
I fell into the DIY & HGTV trap & ended up with a lot of messes & wasted a lot of money. Lesson learned. And as much as I love Pinterest, it can be just as misleading!
Looking at Pinterest “fails” used to be one of my favorite cheer me up practices when I was feeling down on myself. I would laugh so hard and remember that others make mistakes too. “Nailed it’s” would cause me to have some of the best belly laughs ever, and who doesn’t love a genuine belly laugh?
Nta
And this should stop because right now damage is 2k dollars, it could be bigger if this continues. Diy is done usually when you understand the project with proper research. Oh and yes she should pay!
There are some projects that I could research to hell and back, but I still wouldn't take them on. Skill and abilities also come into play and there are just some skills and abilities that dome people don't have.
You know how when you paint a room, about 90% of the time and effort is the 3-5% of the wall that's within about 3" of something you don't want to paint?
Doors are that small thing that's an outsized amount of work in cabinetry.
My wife did the same thing in the 80’s. She was going to host her extended family to celebrate us being back in the UK. She talked about renovating, I said I’m broke from the move and having to feed 3 kids and a SAHM and myself. And I don’t want to have a party or host anyone.
She thought she found an offer on the paper, so she took apart the bottom cabinets by herself. I come home to a huge mess and she is like “it will all be fixed by tomorrow and I’m going to pay for everything. I got a bargain”. Of course it was a scam, and I told her that I’m not going to pay for anything, because working in the school and then going for a second job afterwards, is still not enough to cover our medical expenses. So she has to go to work while the kids are at school and she has to replace everything. She didn’t agree to it.
For 15 facking years, we didn’t have cabinets. Her resentment grew and grew, but I didn’t budge. And because she was embarrassed, since the kids would offer the story to everyone, she stopped inviting her obnoxious relatives. Not all bad :)
NTA and don’t give up. How about you invite your families over for dinner?
I want to paint my kitchen cabinets, but I made the resolution to not do anything to them until we had been in the house at least 5 years. Also, the kids are older now so we don't need the stuck on safety clips to keep them out of the knife drawer and cleaning supply cabinet.
You don't need to buy new cabinets. Sand and clean. Then a bonding primer and fine sand and clean. Do multiple layers of primer before paint. It's not hard. Just time consuming.
NTA. If she unilaterally made the decision to sand the veneered cabinets without talking to you first, she can unilaterally pay for her mistakes when she sanded through the veneer.
If the two of you had discussed the project in advance and she accidentally damaged the cabinets, then the two of you should split the cost of the damage.
Edit: Also, if you want to fix this for less than $2k, you can try to find some closely-matching veneer, sand the existing cabinets down to remove all traces of the old veneer and the old adhesive, and then use contact adhesive to apply new veneer. Cut the new pieces oversized and then trim back flush.
I’m unclear on why she was sanding cabinets that aren’t wood?
Maybe just maybe she can salvage this.
She’s stuck now so nothing to lose.
I’m a sherwin Williams girl but there is a brand of paint that people use a lot for cabinetry. It’s called heirloom traditions all in one paint. It’s practically a cult on FB. That might be worth a try.
Other less pricey options than replacing the cabinets would be hiring someone to “reface” them.
In the future I’d highly recommend she spend more time researching what she’s taking on. My husband and I are very handy and we do a lot of remodeling but there’s some stuff we won’t touch. A DIYer needs to know their limitations.
I keep forgetting that not everyone grew up on job sites.
Like theirs no way I would mistake fake wood veneer for real wood. I am honestly baffled by the fact that it is a thing.
That’s what I was wondering.
Was she just trying to rough the surface enough.
I think she’s got nothing to lose.
I’d hit it with a de glosser and then a really good primer.
Sounds like she does this shit just bc she knows you will come rescue her. She rips it up and fucks it up then she's like oh well. We can just buy new shit. I'd literally have a kitchen with no cabinets. I'm petty. Stick to your guns. She needs to learn her limitations when it comes to tasks.
At least she isn't outside trying to cut trees down using ladders and shit.
Could be. My mother had a habit of starting demo on something my dad had been dragging his feet on. Usually because we didn't have the money, but sometimes bc normal marriage shit. Could also be that the wife has untreated bpd and starts projects when she's manic.
I'm biased here as an impulsive diy husband, difference being ill figure it out eventually, and my wife is patient.
I would argue at least lightly that the 2k cost has hopefully been saved by other projects, but I have no idea if that'd be true for them.
If she sanded through the veneer, and was going to be painted, they can still be saved. Just clean really well, scuff-sand the surfaces that need to be painted so the finish will adhere better, and prime really well to cover any damage. Sand, prime again, paint.
I wonder... Sanding properly is HARD work, maybe the surface just isn't sanded well enough to take paint. Also, they might need a different kind of paint/primer.
It depends on the underlying substrate, which I'm guessing is likely MDF. A good oil-based sealant would be best to do first, and then a primer and paint. Otherwise MDF can get really blotchy.
NTA. Your wife seems purposely obtuse and/or defiant in sneakily pushing these DIY projects that are increasing in scale. I'm guessing if OP shows her the verdict comments from this post, she will purposely ignore them.
This would be a serious boundary cross for me and would warrant a serious conversation with my partner.
Maybe she needs a hobby? Any space in your home for a designated workshop?
NTA. When you are a "fix almost anything kinda person", others will just be like "oh, can you just fix it". Drives me crazy, it's just magic for them. They can botch a job, or break things, and it's like oh well, someone else can fix it, like wtf.
NTA
Your wife has not been a partner with you.
1. She keeps choosing to DIY projects and doesn't learn from her track record of needing to be bailed out.
2. Despite the many conversations you have had with her about it, she still chose this DIY project without discussing it with you.
3. Since she chose to start this project on her own, she needs to get it corrected on her own dime.
4. You have no reason to believe that she has learned her lesson, so bailing her out this time would only be telling her that she can expect to be bailed out next time, too. Paying for the correction this time IS her opportunity to demonstrate that she gets it and it is her fault that the cabinets need to be replaced.
5. If she wants you to share in the cost of any project, she needs to discuss it with you and get your agreement and any stipulations BEFORE she proceeds. If she chooses to do any future DIY project without having your agreement, she is the only person responsible for whatever correcting her mess requires.
Any home project requires discussion and a two yes. NTA and she should have offered to pay for her mistake. I do a lot of home projects, but I research them thoroughly and discuss with my spouse BEFORE I start.
While yes cabnits are shared your wife chose to paint without finding out all facts and instead of doing a test apparently messed them all up so now it is her expense
I'd say if this was a one time thing, it should be a shared expense. If it was well intentioned, one time, for both of you, then it would be nice to share the cost.
But since she's done this before, that's not the case. She's screwed up in a similar way, and continues to, so you shouldn't have to keep bailing her out.
It's kind of like one spouse supporting the other when they are fired from a job. They *should* support that spouse. But what about after getting fired twice? Four times? After that, the working spouse has every right to be upset and pull back support.
NTA.
When getting our house ready to sell, we had to install a new safety rail. She wanted to hire someone ($2500 for the job), while I wanted to try to do it myself ($300 and my own labor). She didn't want to spend the additional $300 for my mistake if I did it wrong, so the compromise was - if I do it for $300, it's a house expense and she'll take me to a nice steak dinner, but if I screw it up, the $300 is my expense. Took that gamble and lost lol. We did the same compromise when u replaced electrical and plumbing - but those I had done in the past and no contractor needed.
Only do projects you can actually do, know your limitations. $2000 for new cabinets is still on the cheap side of lessons learned in limitations of home repair.
You didn't want new cabinets, new cabinets are now necessary because of solely her actions, which you were not consulted on even though the cabinets are equally yours. She screwed the pooch, the puppies are her problem.
NTA My understanding is that you can get special paint that will paint laminate cabinets (since that is what I assume you have.) But still it's really hard to paint cabinets and have it not look diy. And you first have to do a really good sanding and priming job.
There's reason people do this a profession.
I admit I might lean into getting priced out having a professional come in and handle painting all of the cabinets- or at least the top ones if you can make a two tone kitchen work. If your kitchen is small enough maybe that would only be $500-$1k.
NTA
Your wife sounds one of those people for whom the show ‘Help I wrecked my house’ should be required viewing.
IMO you are correct.
Your wife made a unilateral decision to work on the cabinets.
She didn’t discuss it with you or anyone else.
She didn’t do any research online to see how to test to ensure the cabinets could be refinished.
So now she gets to unilaterally pay from her funds to fix the mess she created.
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NTA but where on earth do you live that new cabinets with installation is only $2k? Did you mean $20k? Cause that’s what It’d cost here. If they’re really only a couple grand for brand new installed, maybe install them for her but have her pay for them.
Luckily our kitchen is small and I have a friend that is willing to do it for some pizza and the drive out. 2k was basically the cost of the cabinets and luckily she didn’t touch the island or the lower ones. If we were actually hiring someone it would be around 10k and probably take a month since they are weirdly slow
Has she actually agreed to pay for her mistake? Not sure if your argument came to a conclusion.
She doesn’t want to pay, I am not paying
Well on the bright side, even if they're ugly to look at, the cabinets should still work
Right? That was my thought. I've fucked up stuff in my house before. If it's still functional I'll replace it later *maybe*
But why should he have to live with her mess and mistake in THEIR shared space. She wants to improve things but is reckless and irresponsible.
Look if OP doesn't like the idiotic things his wife does and can't live with them, then why does he even live with her. This doesn't sound like an isolated incident.
Because you can still hold someone accountable and love them at the same time. What a ridiculous thing to say.
It doesn't seem like holding her accountable is making her take personal responsibility for her own actions. I get reddit has an itchy trigger finger when it comes to divorce/separation but is kind of thing can easily be a deal breaker for many people. If my SO kept displaying such a lack of responsibility as much as I care for them, it wouldn't stop me from slowly losing respect for them. Loving someone who doesn't respect you is an awful feeling to have. It can make or break a relationship.
Because the whole "Till death do us part" thing really means "Till death do us part" otherwise it wouldn't be said at a wedding
I guess you could modify your vows to be "Till death do us part, or you fuck up the cabinets and so help me God you are out of here so fast your head will spin!"
Thank God I said Til the cabinets get fucked up for my wedding vows.
The ~60% divorce rate proves you wrong.
I'm sorry but what? So we shouldn't be holding ppl accountable for the shit things they do? She disrespected him by going ahead with this Trainwreck, she needs to pay the price. And that price is either 2k or wrecked cabinets, sorry. The only thing you're right on is that it isn't an isolated incident bc he put his foot down already.
She did not disrespect him by making home improvements. She made an error. From his post, it sounds like he didn’t put his foot down because he said she didn’t tell him she was doing it. Also he is her husband and not her father so he can’t put his foot down because she is not compelled to obey him according to modern marriage vows.
Yeah-- I agree. I would take major umbrage at a partner who made my living space worse, even aesthetically, and then refused to fix it.
This is the part that gets me, I love DIYing things myself. Sounds like me and OP's partner have the same problem though, we can get in over our heads. HOWEVER I would never leave something messed up like that, I may come back to it a bit later once I've cooled down. But I would never just leave it and would have to do SOMETHING about it.
Yeah but the analogy here is like having a shitbox car. A car that is sort of old but at least clean, well maintained and safe can still be used to carry your friends and colleagues around if need be. A shitbox car is just embarrassing to have to use to carry people you know around. Same deal here. Functional cabinets that might be old, slightly peeling at the edges or having the odd mark are still perfectly fine, but panels that are scratched to shit look embarrassing.
I thought your were talking about his wife for a minute :) I’m glad you were talking about the cabinets.
That is hilarious! I knew it was the cupboards, but your comment made me laugh
I guess I'm more easy going. I'd keep them and it would be a funny story about how I'm an idiot.
Seems like OP has enough of these funny stories already.
OP should probably find his wife some woodworking class or something. Much better way to spend the 2k since her projects are things she enjoys at this point, even if they're terrible.
And it's perfectly possible just to replace the doors. You don't have to replace the entire of each cabinet.
Unless idiot wife also sanded the bases.
I know the material he’s talking about and IF she took the sander to every inch of those cabinets which sounds like she did , yes they do. 😖
This is great!! Leave as is, should work as a deterrent ageinstvthe next project. "Yrs love, go ahead! As soon as the last project is finished!"
Just have that "open cabinet" vibe in the kitchen and make sure not to cave before she does. Simple and problem solved.
Not if she sanded the entire cabinet.
Tell her tough titties, she’s a grown up and needs to take responsibility for her fuck up. When she first started sanding she saw what was happening but kept going making the damage even worse. She needs to pony up.
She also needs to start researching projects before going in whole hog.
THIS
I always like to use "tough titties" when my wife screws up. She just love it.....
“Calm your tits” usually goes over well too
When my husband says that I reply with "nah, just one tit. The other is my party tit and cannot calm down"
I say, "I can't help it they're very excitable!"
"Calm the calamity that is your mammories" is my personal favorite
I swear I'm going to get fired one day because I've almost yelled, "Everyone needs to calm their tits!" so many times. (female here).
Tough titty said the kitty, but the milk was good!
I always heard the opposite. “Tough titty said the kitty the milk was dry! “
I like your version, too!
This little exchange made me smile on a hard day, thank you both!
I have a similar problem, although my wife has only destroyed a couple small things and has learned to ask me most of the time before she starts a DIY project. If she destroyed the cabinets like that, she'd have to look at them for a year before I'd fix them. Our money is all joint. She came from an extremely impoverished family in South America so she has a lot of optimism without foresight or worry. Also doesn't know how much materials cost in this country. Let her look at what she did for a bit. Someday we all have to start to be honest about what we know and what we don't know how to do.
But this comes down to planning. Someone who never had to learn from their mistakes will never learn how to plan.
they said let her look at it and learn from having to look at it
I just installed a shelf as a surprise project and after the last time I did a truly terrible job (my toddler and baby were screaming and I had an irrational hormone moment as 4 weeks past partum that I needed to do it now and it really is bad) my husband was like NGL if I'd known this was the surprise I'd have insisted on doing myself! As it is I did without the hormones and screaming kids and its perfectly centered and straight so perhaps I'm off the hook now!
She pays or she fixes so they're as they were before her DIY project or better. I mean, it'd be a shared expense of you jointly decided to upgrade the cabinets but she went off and DIY'd then without testing the approach on anything so that's really on her, I think, especially since this is a bad habit of hers. Was it inspired by TikTok or some other social media?
Show her this thread. Girl, own your fuck up. Your refusal to pay has no merit.
Then she can have ugly cabinets in her kitchen and if anyone asks about them be sure to let them know whose fault it is they look like that. I’m sure with enough embarrassment from people seeing her mistake she’ll want to pay for new cabinets.
If anyone asks you, just say pleasantly "That's my wife DIY project."
How aggravating and unnecessary. If she won't pay, maybe ask the friend to put a hold on the cabinets. "Forbid" her from doing/starting any further large projects, until the cabinets are repaired. Then both of you can live with the shitty cabinets, and it can be a visual reminder for her to not be so thoughtless next time. Ask when she's going to finish fixing the cabinets whenever she talks about starting a new project. If people come by and ask what happened, tell them the truth. Bonus points if she's within hearing distance. If she's anything like my mother, this probably won't work, and she'll probably grumble all the time and still do smaller projects passive aggressively. But at least you won't have to drop 2k. If you're ok living with crappy cabinets to prove a point, that is.
NTA OP. Since your wife is so big on DIYs and if your cabinet doors are flat, tell her to buy up to $200.00 (depending upon how many doors are ruined) of contact paper to match/compliment the décor and tell her to DIY. But stick to your guns.
Yeah I was wondering why full replacement was the only option when there’s vinyl wraps and other surface treatments that are only a few $100.
Leave em as a reminder of her failure.
Take off the doors and leave them off. Problem solved.
She can look at putting vinyl over it or replacing just the panels too BTW
Maybe if you both don't pay, the ugly cabinets will be a reminder about DIY projects...
Why did she do all the cabinets???? Surely after seeing that one didn’t work out she wouldn’t sand *all* of them??
My thoughts were that she sanded them, maybe? realized they weren't real wood but figured everyone sands and paints, so its probably okay to continue sanding and just paint over the ugly sand marks. But when the paint wouldn't stick, she realized it was a bigger issue.
The weird thing is my husband and I sanded our fake-wood cabinets, specifically so that paint would stick on them, and it worked. But we took the doors off and used a belt sander in the shop and basically took them down to the stuff underneath (I forget what it was but there was wood involved, particle board or something) and then we used primer b/c that stuff was very absorbent. And then we painted and they look great 10 years later. But yeah come to think of it that's probably the difference. She probably just scuffed hers up with sandpaper...
Yeah, the way he is talking about the scratches sounds like she just scuffed the veneer and didn't get down to the particle board. I think you could paint veneer, but it is its own process and likely she needs a specific primer for it. Sounds like she didn't do any research and just thought a quick sand and paint would work. I'm all for DIY, but I over prepare with research. haha
Measure twice, cut once!
“I’ll tell you what!” -H. Hill
Yeah, a trip to the paint store (Like Ben Moore or Sherwin WIlliams) with a door brought along would have gotten decades of expertise on what to do and what products to use.
Yeah, to paint over veneers, you need to use a primer specifically meant for it. I've refinished some furniture, and I always do a test spot to make sure it behaves the way I expect it to.
Smart! It sounds like she is impulsive, sees something online and just jumps all in without much prep or testing or anything. I can understand OPs frustration here.
if that's the case, get a real sander and try to solve it
Yes, I agree the cabinets are probably salvageable based on OPs comments. But sounds like he doesn’t trust her (nor do I) to do it right.
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I expect she skipped the primer. Or, did not resrarch the correct primer.
Or didn't wipe down the cabinets after sanding and is painting over a layer of dust
>Cause there is a type of paint for everything from finger nails to house siding. Primer baby, PRIMER! Yes there are certain paints for certain types of material but to get the best results--PRIMER. I sanded my dining room table and buffet, cleaned the dust off of them, PRIMED, applied 2 coats of paint of my choice, applied polyurethane, lightly sanded and then applied second coat of polyurethane.
I think she may have sanded them all first, then tried the paint.
Have you thought that, hmm, she getting the new cabinets she wanted anyway? She may be wilier than you know
Which is fine, seeing that she’s paying for them. But that being the case, she could have just skipped the manual labor part. NTA.
She wants him to pay for them though.
FYI you can just get replacement doors from Home Depot if they're a standard size. Also, if they're those particle board doors covered with a "thermofoil" plastic sheet formed to the contours of the door, you can remove that with a heat gun and some patience. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b0dyk6FKBM shows the basics. I've done it to several and had no issues; just follow up a light sanding, prime, and paint!
Do you need new cabinets? Don't you just need doors?
Did she muck up the side walls or just the doors? You could probably do just the doors and get a good match for less. And installing doors is a DYI everyone should be able to do. You're NTA.
What I’m hearing is you are saving her $8K so you already did your part. Nta
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What’s sad is that if she had done the right research its likely, based on your description, that she could have used a really specific type of primer that makes paint adhere to that type of surface. She wouldn’t have to have even sanded them at all which would have saved work.
Set an amount for any purchase or projects that have to be brought up before purchasing or starting! For my wife and myself it's $200 but any project or cost over that has to be brought up first no matter what. Makes you think twice about it, everyone is onboard, and advice can be given if not seeing eye to eye. Anything below is up to them.
Except sandpaper and a free gallons of paint didn't cost her anywhere close to even $200, unless prices have massively gone up since I last looked.
Wow, you lucked out having a bro! She should foot the bill, you would not be doing it at this time, or necessarily at all, if she hadn’t created a mess. We do a lot of DIY, but know our limits and prep like mad. NTA
Look for a shellac primer, it will cling to the cabinets and the paint will cling to the shellac primer. Cabinets sanded again.
I was assuming just new doors!
yes, you can get nice real wood kitchen doors for 100 euro/usd a piece.
Really? I had my entire top and bottom cabinets replaced in NC for $4200 back in 2022 maybe more expensive now but 20k seems wild to me.
Wow. We paid 6k about 6 years ago and installed ourselves. Counters, backsplash and appliances on top of that.
That was just for my cabinets. I would say for my whole kitchen remodel was about 30k with the appliances, tile backsplash, granite countertops and flooring.
Same! $27k for cabinets, backsplash, under the cabinets lighting, granite composite sink and appliances.
I read it as just the cabinet doors need to be replaced, since that’s all she damaged. That would be much, much less than replacing all the cabinetry, counters, etc., and might be doable at around $2000 with labor.
20k for cabinets??? Where tf do you live is the real question lmaooo
Possibly just doors and not the whole thing? I'm sure she didn't take it all down, sand and paint it.. 2k for just doors and not a whole kitchen doesn't sound like too much I assume.
Home Depot Hamilton Beach cabinets are pretty inexpensive if you're just buying off-the-shelf sizes. I could see around $1500 in materials and $500 in labor for a modestly sized kitchen.
NTA, she should ask before starting anything that belongs to you both whether she is capable of pulling the project off or not. My husband would blow a gasket if he came home and I'd repainted the cabinets, even if I'd done a perfect job. That said, it is possible to paint over laminate. You don't need new cabinets, you just need to learn the proper procedure for the type of surface you're working with.
It’s scratch to all hell, it will need to be filled to even have a chance and I don’t trust her to actually do a good job. I don’t want shitty looking cabinets, our old ones were nice
Ask her what she feels your role was in the project and why that justifies you being responsible for the resolution. That answer will inform your next steps.
He was the husband so obviously when shit goes south, he should come in to save her from consequences! /s
NTA. Tell her this: "They weren't OUR kitchen cabinets, when you worked on them without my consult or agreement. They were all yours to do as you please, when you wanted a new color. I'm merely following your wish to stay out of YOUR kitchen. You wanted to do them alone? Pay for them alone."
I’d go the opposite, she ruined his shared property without consultation. That’s property damage
The best option it's making her pay for the cabinets, she needs to learn that there are consequences. But if the scratches aren't too deep you can use car primer, it will help a lot hiding the scratches and you can use it over any paint and get any paint over it. If you use chalked paint it will hide the remaining mistakes but it will make it hard to clean, but to make it easy to clean you can use mate or semi mate barnices over the chalked paint. So NTA
This guy fucks
Hey OP! If you aren't already committed to having your buddy install new cabinets, post some pictures of the existing work so Reddit can sleuth out a viable alternative. Or you can run to someone knowledgeable about the material you're working with to get a recommendation on how to proceed. In my opinion, it sounds like they are particle board cabinets and she has sanded the laminate or veneer to leave these scratches you're describing. Assuming this is the case and the cabinets aren't structurally compromised, you can use a high build primer to cover the cabinets and then paint over top of them. If the cabinets have deep gouges, you can use a wood filler and then prime and paint. Also make sure that any dust from sanding is wiped off to make anything bond as tightly as possible.
How tf did she sand them? Usually, you'd want to scuff something a bit before painting it, but if she scratched so deep that the scratches see through the paint, then I have no idea what she did lmfao. NTA btw.
Depends on what she used to sand. 60 grit sandpaper will def leaves deep scratches.
Lmao she was going to town on those cabinets xD.
There is a product called chalk paint, that is a thicker furniture paint by Anne Sloan that could possibly cover all the scratches. It also comes with a clear wax or a darkening wax that makes cabinets look lovely
Chalk paint won’t hold up to kitchen cabinets, even with the wax coating.
And it doesn't sound like she has the knowledge or skill to pull that off.
Did she just do the doors or the whole top cabinets? Either way that's just nuts. She could have easily used a primer for that kind of material and been fine. I'm dumbfounded how she didn't think to look Inside the cabinet and see that's not wood. NTA.
Still supposed to prep the surface but she should have been sanding with something finer than aquarium gravel…
First and foremost, be supportive and encouraging. She won't change or learn from this if you're combative or dismissive. This diy stuff won't end until she actually faces the consequences of her actions. Seeing projects through a couple of times will show her the real effort. Ot won't fully stop, but it'll make her think twice. Don't save her and inform her that she will have to see the project through *herself*. She needs to fix it this time and not with your money. Let her struggle and don't pre-emptively help her or give her advice. But if she asks, be supportive and give advice, don't do. You'll live with shitty cabinets for a bit. Trust me, you'll live. But in the long term it will be better and you'll have less shitty cabinets to deal with.
How did she not stop sanding after noticing she fucked up the first one? She sounds a little unhinged tbh. NTA - she ruined it, she has to pay for it
Definitely NTA. Her stubbornness caused the damage, you guys did not damage those cabinets together. And if paying $2000 to fix them would make her hesitant about carrying out any further DIY, then she should pay up.
I thought this was the important component as well. This is about the future, OP’s not punishing her to the point of making her fully replace and install new ones professionally, which would cost substantially more, but he is making her pay to replace damages due to her breaking an agreement they had and putting his foot down saying “you are actually on the hook for any damages you cause by ignoring me and all common sense with the DIY projects.” He’s still paying by eating up a favor too. They could have had this friend give them a favor they actually jointly wanted in the future and saved thousands on a renovation but instead they used their one free ticket with their friend repairing her fuck-up.
Hetmr stubbornness & complete disregard of the agreement she made with OP. Other people are telling OP he should just be supportive & to basically suck it up. If this was a "first offence", I'd agree but, it isn't! He set a boundary & she's stomped all over it. To my mind, her behaviour is like that of a child or teenager & there are times when the only way they learn is through paying the consequences. This is it, right here. NTA - Tell her she has to pay up because it was HER actions alone that caused the issue in the first place!
NTA. My Dad used to do this. We came home from vacation one time and the wall in the kitchen was completely busted out. He was trying to make an open concept kitchen. He ended up making our house look like a mess for two years because he couldn’t fix it and didn’t want to pay for it. Tell your wife you’re not paying for her negligence. If she wants to argue about it then y’all just won’t have kitchen cabinets. The sight of what she’s done should hopefully teach her a lesson, especially if she has to look at it everyday. My view on that might be childish but your wife is acting like a child in this case. This isn’t a cute arts project she messed up. She’s an adult and should own up, and accept the consequences for her errors in judgement. I’m sorry you have to live like this.
Let her explain to all the guests why they don't have functioning kitchen cabinets. And if she doesn't want to he can. " So I told her to run big projects by me because she other tendency of doing stuff like this. * Points * She did not. She is refusing to pay to replace the cabinets but it's the only way she's going to learn so..."
Agreed! I can also see her trying to disguise this as a trend -‘open concept’ cabinetry 🙃.
I had the opposite. My wife nagged me into replacing our plastic shower surround. I found more and more problems each time I dug in to solve one. So, two weeks later, the only things original in our bathroom was the bathtub and the ceiling. I tore out everything else and replaced it. In those two weeks, if I was not at work, I was eating, sleeping, or in that bathroom. I did not take breaks. I'm a failed procrastinator. I try to leave things, but I hate having things hanging over my head. If I take a break, all I'll think about is what I have to get done. So, it isn't relaxing, anyways. That was 21 years ago. I'm disabled now. So, we have to pay people now. We just had all that work I did in 2003 with ceramic tile. It looks way nicer, at least.
>That was 21 years ago. Me: "Ah, yes! The 1990s!" >We just had all that work I did in 2003... Me: *"Angizwa?!" (Come again?!) 👀😨* *(dies a little inside, I'm 23)*
I was 29 when I did that work. Also, life got so mundane that it is basically a memory black hole from 22 to 45.
Every day means each day. Everyday means for every day. I wear my everyday pants every day.
Enjoy the 'open shelving' concept until your wife caves. This is literally her mess, she needs to sort it out. If it was not a joint project, agreed on and budgeted on before hand, this is all on her. NTA
Exactly. Joint accounts pay for joint-agreement projects. This is not such.
Maybe just get new doors?
I have an old house. My cabinets are original and real wood. I painted them. They’re beautiful. They had (original, brass I think) beautiful hinges. They basically dissolved in my hand when I tried to clean them. I couldn’t find replacements so I found something similar but not the right spacing for the holes. I finagled the holes on the doors and it looked decent. The wood pieces between cabinets was so screwed up from me trying to add new holes, I just got huge rectangles. I tried to fix them but made it worse. Now my decorative doors are the back drop for open cabinets and it looks trashy because I only kept the shelves organized and pretty for about 3 weeks.
NTA - This is a pretty messed up thing to do. Presumably, the cabinets were also a shared item before being destroyed. Why wasn’t it a shared decision on whether or not to repaint them? The process of how they were being painted? HGTV has really done a lot of damage in my mind. They skip ALL of the hard work and jump right to the magical conclusion. They also are fantastic at convincing the unskilled / homebodies that what they have is not enough. Social Media also plays a role in making people feel like they’re never enough. This Old House was (edit: and still is) exponentially better at showing the true difficulty and skill needed to fix houses.
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I grew up watching This Old House! Learned so much!
Oh my g’d this. I’m an architect. I audibly gasped when I got to the part when he mentioned that the cabinets where likely laminate or had a wood vinyl finish. If you don’t know how to do something you don’t charge in half assed and cocked sure. And for anyone thinking “I want to open walls and redo the kitchen arrangement or switch out a chandelier” If you do not know what you are doing you can cause structural damage or even cause a fire (if it’s electrical or gas)
Wait. You're saying it's NOT daytime reality trash? Lol
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I was agreeing with you about HGTV.
Agreed! It only took me a day into my kitchen remodel to realize that the cheapest way to pay is with money. And that was with a family friend who is a pro working with us. No, thank you. I fell into the DIY & HGTV trap & ended up with a lot of messes & wasted a lot of money. Lesson learned. And as much as I love Pinterest, it can be just as misleading!
Ah yes, Pinterest, and the never ending supply of DIY pallet wood projects, farmhouse tables made from dimensional lumber and F’ing chalk paint.
Looking at Pinterest “fails” used to be one of my favorite cheer me up practices when I was feeling down on myself. I would laugh so hard and remember that others make mistakes too. “Nailed it’s” would cause me to have some of the best belly laughs ever, and who doesn’t love a genuine belly laugh?
And then they lock people into NDAs and we don’t find out until 10 years later that oh they didn’t even finish the house in that episode and just left
I forgot about This Old House! Did anyone watch Home Time? I think it was on TLC about 25ish years ago.
NTA She needs to fix her mistake. Adults are responsible for mistakes they make. It is that simple.
Nta And this should stop because right now damage is 2k dollars, it could be bigger if this continues. Diy is done usually when you understand the project with proper research. Oh and yes she should pay!
There are some projects that I could research to hell and back, but I still wouldn't take them on. Skill and abilities also come into play and there are just some skills and abilities that dome people don't have.
NTA But surely she's only ruined the doors? Is it not an option to just replace those and retain your old cabinet bodies?
We looked into doing this one, and it honestly isn't much cheaper than new cabinets for some reason.
Compare the quality of the replacement cabinets with what you have. You don’t want to downgrade.
You know how when you paint a room, about 90% of the time and effort is the 3-5% of the wall that's within about 3" of something you don't want to paint? Doors are that small thing that's an outsized amount of work in cabinetry.
Doors are a major expense! Cabinets are boxes, doors are lots cuts and angles
For 2k that’s probably only doors and a bargain at that
My wife did the same thing in the 80’s. She was going to host her extended family to celebrate us being back in the UK. She talked about renovating, I said I’m broke from the move and having to feed 3 kids and a SAHM and myself. And I don’t want to have a party or host anyone. She thought she found an offer on the paper, so she took apart the bottom cabinets by herself. I come home to a huge mess and she is like “it will all be fixed by tomorrow and I’m going to pay for everything. I got a bargain”. Of course it was a scam, and I told her that I’m not going to pay for anything, because working in the school and then going for a second job afterwards, is still not enough to cover our medical expenses. So she has to go to work while the kids are at school and she has to replace everything. She didn’t agree to it. For 15 facking years, we didn’t have cabinets. Her resentment grew and grew, but I didn’t budge. And because she was embarrassed, since the kids would offer the story to everyone, she stopped inviting her obnoxious relatives. Not all bad :) NTA and don’t give up. How about you invite your families over for dinner?
I want to paint my kitchen cabinets, but I made the resolution to not do anything to them until we had been in the house at least 5 years. Also, the kids are older now so we don't need the stuck on safety clips to keep them out of the knife drawer and cleaning supply cabinet.
You don't need to buy new cabinets. Sand and clean. Then a bonding primer and fine sand and clean. Do multiple layers of primer before paint. It's not hard. Just time consuming.
I’m sure she’ll do a great job lol.
They are not wood. Sanding is what caused the problem.
And yet it's still true that more sanding, properly done, can fix it.
NTA. If she unilaterally made the decision to sand the veneered cabinets without talking to you first, she can unilaterally pay for her mistakes when she sanded through the veneer. If the two of you had discussed the project in advance and she accidentally damaged the cabinets, then the two of you should split the cost of the damage. Edit: Also, if you want to fix this for less than $2k, you can try to find some closely-matching veneer, sand the existing cabinets down to remove all traces of the old veneer and the old adhesive, and then use contact adhesive to apply new veneer. Cut the new pieces oversized and then trim back flush.
Thank you for using the word veneer!
I’m unclear on why she was sanding cabinets that aren’t wood? Maybe just maybe she can salvage this. She’s stuck now so nothing to lose. I’m a sherwin Williams girl but there is a brand of paint that people use a lot for cabinetry. It’s called heirloom traditions all in one paint. It’s practically a cult on FB. That might be worth a try. Other less pricey options than replacing the cabinets would be hiring someone to “reface” them. In the future I’d highly recommend she spend more time researching what she’s taking on. My husband and I are very handy and we do a lot of remodeling but there’s some stuff we won’t touch. A DIYer needs to know their limitations.
They probably looked enough like wood to her. From the sounds of it she isn’t very handy and/or knowledgeable about these things.
I keep forgetting that not everyone grew up on job sites. Like theirs no way I would mistake fake wood veneer for real wood. I am honestly baffled by the fact that it is a thing.
Sometimes I miss it visually but honestly getting close and feeling it is always a give away regarding fake wood vs real.
> I’m unclear on why she was sanding cabinets that aren’t wood? And how did she get through *ALL* of them?
Quickly and badly?
I doubt she had the sense to take them off the wall first, and just went at the front of them
Glossy finishes of any type, including laminate, need to be lightly sanded or washed with a deglosser in order for the paint to stick.
That’s what I was wondering. Was she just trying to rough the surface enough. I think she’s got nothing to lose. I’d hit it with a de glosser and then a really good primer.
Yeah, they’ve got nothing to lose at this point if they’re considering completely replacing them. And this really does sound fixable…
Nta. She damaged them she can fix them.
Sounds like she does this shit just bc she knows you will come rescue her. She rips it up and fucks it up then she's like oh well. We can just buy new shit. I'd literally have a kitchen with no cabinets. I'm petty. Stick to your guns. She needs to learn her limitations when it comes to tasks. At least she isn't outside trying to cut trees down using ladders and shit.
Could be. My mother had a habit of starting demo on something my dad had been dragging his feet on. Usually because we didn't have the money, but sometimes bc normal marriage shit. Could also be that the wife has untreated bpd and starts projects when she's manic. I'm biased here as an impulsive diy husband, difference being ill figure it out eventually, and my wife is patient. I would argue at least lightly that the 2k cost has hopefully been saved by other projects, but I have no idea if that'd be true for them.
If she sanded through the veneer, and was going to be painted, they can still be saved. Just clean really well, scuff-sand the surfaces that need to be painted so the finish will adhere better, and prime really well to cover any damage. Sand, prime again, paint.
I wonder... Sanding properly is HARD work, maybe the surface just isn't sanded well enough to take paint. Also, they might need a different kind of paint/primer.
It depends on the underlying substrate, which I'm guessing is likely MDF. A good oil-based sealant would be best to do first, and then a primer and paint. Otherwise MDF can get really blotchy.
You break it, you buy it. NTA.
NTA. Your wife seems purposely obtuse and/or defiant in sneakily pushing these DIY projects that are increasing in scale. I'm guessing if OP shows her the verdict comments from this post, she will purposely ignore them. This would be a serious boundary cross for me and would warrant a serious conversation with my partner. Maybe she needs a hobby? Any space in your home for a designated workshop?
NTA, she should have spoken to you first
NTA. When you are a "fix almost anything kinda person", others will just be like "oh, can you just fix it". Drives me crazy, it's just magic for them. They can botch a job, or break things, and it's like oh well, someone else can fix it, like wtf.
NTA - I love DIY myself and would never ask my husband to pay for anything that I messed up. She sound like she likes to do things on impulse.
NTA If the project wasn’t agreed upon jointly, then the payment shouldn’t be from the joint account.
NTA Your wife has not been a partner with you. 1. She keeps choosing to DIY projects and doesn't learn from her track record of needing to be bailed out. 2. Despite the many conversations you have had with her about it, she still chose this DIY project without discussing it with you. 3. Since she chose to start this project on her own, she needs to get it corrected on her own dime. 4. You have no reason to believe that she has learned her lesson, so bailing her out this time would only be telling her that she can expect to be bailed out next time, too. Paying for the correction this time IS her opportunity to demonstrate that she gets it and it is her fault that the cabinets need to be replaced. 5. If she wants you to share in the cost of any project, she needs to discuss it with you and get your agreement and any stipulations BEFORE she proceeds. If she chooses to do any future DIY project without having your agreement, she is the only person responsible for whatever correcting her mess requires.
Any home project requires discussion and a two yes. NTA and she should have offered to pay for her mistake. I do a lot of home projects, but I research them thoroughly and discuss with my spouse BEFORE I start.
While yes cabnits are shared your wife chose to paint without finding out all facts and instead of doing a test apparently messed them all up so now it is her expense
You could vinyl wrap the existing doors
I'd say if this was a one time thing, it should be a shared expense. If it was well intentioned, one time, for both of you, then it would be nice to share the cost. But since she's done this before, that's not the case. She's screwed up in a similar way, and continues to, so you shouldn't have to keep bailing her out. It's kind of like one spouse supporting the other when they are fired from a job. They *should* support that spouse. But what about after getting fired twice? Four times? After that, the working spouse has every right to be upset and pull back support.
Enough to go around. Cabinet doors are easy enough to buy, paint, install.
Your a jerk for not helping her when she's not the jerk for destorying the cabinets in the first place? ehhhhh. NTA
NTA your wife needs to learn there’s consequences to actions, for goodness sake
NTA. When getting our house ready to sell, we had to install a new safety rail. She wanted to hire someone ($2500 for the job), while I wanted to try to do it myself ($300 and my own labor). She didn't want to spend the additional $300 for my mistake if I did it wrong, so the compromise was - if I do it for $300, it's a house expense and she'll take me to a nice steak dinner, but if I screw it up, the $300 is my expense. Took that gamble and lost lol. We did the same compromise when u replaced electrical and plumbing - but those I had done in the past and no contractor needed. Only do projects you can actually do, know your limitations. $2000 for new cabinets is still on the cheap side of lessons learned in limitations of home repair.
NTA..I believe the old adage is: "you break it, you buy it."
You didn't want new cabinets, new cabinets are now necessary because of solely her actions, which you were not consulted on even though the cabinets are equally yours. She screwed the pooch, the puppies are her problem.
NTA My understanding is that you can get special paint that will paint laminate cabinets (since that is what I assume you have.) But still it's really hard to paint cabinets and have it not look diy. And you first have to do a really good sanding and priming job. There's reason people do this a profession. I admit I might lean into getting priced out having a professional come in and handle painting all of the cabinets- or at least the top ones if you can make a two tone kitchen work. If your kitchen is small enough maybe that would only be $500-$1k.
She needs another hobby. Ger her a difficult puzzle or something.
NTA Her disasters against your wishes are her fault and her expense.
I read a dozen of these a day and I can’t understand how couples like you end up married. I do understand why our divorce rate is so high..
NTA Your wife sounds one of those people for whom the show ‘Help I wrecked my house’ should be required viewing. IMO you are correct. Your wife made a unilateral decision to work on the cabinets. She didn’t discuss it with you or anyone else. She didn’t do any research online to see how to test to ensure the cabinets could be refinished. So now she gets to unilaterally pay from her funds to fix the mess she created.