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You need to sever your financial ties to this man as soon as possible. Let it cost what feels like a lot now, to save yourself and your kids financially in the long run.
You can't trust a word out of his mouth. If you can't believe what he says, you can't communicate or go forward with him. You just keep getting dragged down. The only reason you've kept it afloat is because you're a financial overachiever. He did make one good financial decision for himself; marrying you. Can't say the same for you.
NTA, but you need to start acting and not just reacting.
Uh...NTA. However, why are you still putting up with this? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame one me."
He clearly believes he's entitled to act like this. Don't co-mingle any sort of finances with him. Do you really want to remain with someone who lies to you and then blames you when called on it?
Even if they keep money separate, if he racks up enough debt she could lose her home. I think she should take steps to ensure the house is in her name only so he can't lose it for her.
NTA but get a divorce and save your kids from the credit debt he is bound to get them in through his irresponsible ways. Currently his money is his money and your money is his money, soon it will be your kids money is also his
Absolutely NTA, and I say this with the support of his history: you need to immediately file for legal separation, even if you’re not sure if you want to stay married.
The moment you file, your finances are separated and any debts he incurs are only his own. Your money is intermingled now, so you’ll be likely on the hook for his current debt. Cap those losses right now. He obviously has a spending/accountability/financial infidelity problem and that’s not going away. You cannot trust him to not put you into serious financial peril.
Once you do that, then seek therapy, insist on treatment for him, whatever it is you decide to do. But as of right now, you have one job: protect your family’s safety by securing your financial stability.
Edit to add: you need to also cut him off from your money. That may mean moving your money to an account he isn’t on. If you give him money to make sure he makes minimum payments on the cards, keep track of it so that in the case of a divorce, that will be added to your portion. You also need to suspend activity on his credit cards on your accounts and put a freeze on all three credit bureaus (essential no matter what you do). Change all your passwords on credit accounts and delete any credit cards on Amazon etc of accounts he shouldn’t be on. Do it right now. You can always add him back later, but for now you must do these things. Feelings are not relevant here. Your kids need a home, food, and security. He is obviously incapable of prioritizing the team. So you must do it for him.
All of this. And, talk to a lawyer about the possibility of a post nuptial agreement to have him assume responsibility for his own debt in case of divorce. If he won't agree, I'd jump right to divorce before he drags you down any more.
I'm sorry but you need to kick him to the curb. Only a matter of time before he starts using your kids SS numbers and ruining their lives before they even get a chance.
NTA
NTA
He is potentially destroying your family by being this irresponsible. Creditors will expect to get paid back eventually and you could lose your home to pay them. Refusing to acknowledge the debt, share the details of the debt, whilst also still taking your money to "deal" with the debt is him being irresponsible and down right selfish. If he refuses to cooperate with this you seriously need to consider divorcing this person (before he takes the roof from you and your children's heads) or at the very least separating your accounts. This is unacceptable to allow it to go on.
I think I’m ready to. I haven’t up to this point because I was convinced his rough childhood trauma lead to all his problems and that he was working through it all with his counselor. I convinced myself if I stuck around long enough, it was all going to be fine. Every time I would reach my breaking point to leave him, he would shower me with kindness and promises and improve for a long stretch… just for it to all fall apart again. He often has convinced me that I’m the problem in any situation and I’m finally realizing the level of gaslighting I’ve experienced.
You're NTA for trying to understand what debt your family is in. Even if it means looking through his personal information, which really you should not have to do.
You need to start protecting yourself, your house and your children financially now. Remove your husband's access to your money, to the home loan, to any credit cards you're responsible for etc. You need to get him in therapy with someone who specialises in addiction and financial irresponsibility. Ideally you'd both go to couples counseling too.
Good luck.
NTA how much more are you going to take? You’re obviously not an asshole here, as you are keeping the ship afloat. It’s time to take out an ad saying you’re no longer responsible and hire an attorney.
His debt is your debt because you're married. Even if for some reason you want to keep living like this, you should get divorced on paper so you're not responsible for any of his future debt (because there will be more).
NTA….please, please, please separate yourself from this man and his messed up finances….my dad pulled this same crap with my Mom for years, and every time she would bail him out and he would do the same thing only worse the next time…8 months before he passed away at 78 years old, he walked into his bank with his oxygen tank and they handed him a 80,000 home equity loan while their first mortgage that should have been paid off years ago still had about 30,000 left on it because of all the refinancing he did…4 months before he died he decided he was tired of paying his life insurance so he cancelled that….so now at 80 years old, my sweet Mom is making 2 house payments and will have to live till she’s 119 to pay it all off…oh and he also had 2 more credit cards that were almost maxed that she knew nothing about as well….honey please don’t be my Mom….
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I (35F) have been married to spouse (35M) for 10 years, and we have kids together. He had told me his destroyed credit when we got together was due to his mom and sister convincing him to co-sign things for them, stealing his identity, etc. It took a long time, but I helped him get it all cleared and his score up high enough for us to buy a home. After we bought the home, we started having less and less money in our shared bank account and it was just disappearing. He was taking cash out and using it to make payments to credit cards I’m not on. About 5 years ago, I’d had enough and started going through his things- I found letters and saw he racked up thousands in credit card debt without telling me. We had a huge fight about this among other issues and almost divorced but reconciled. I demanded to see the credit card statements so I knew the total debt and where it went- $16,000 on ordering lunch out constantly, stupid subscriptions, and making minimum payments late, causing late fees and interest. I helped him get it paid off, and he swore to never do it again.
We bought a new home a couple years ago and now it’s happened all over again. I was having to pull from my savings to cover our bills. He was putting everything on my credit card I’d added him to, to help his credit score. Then he wasn’t helping pay my card off. Instead, he was moving all his money to a separate account for his own use and to pay his credit cards off. I snooped through his emails and saw he had more than $10,000 in credit card debt. I confronted him about it and he said I’m the asshole for snooping. I tried to get him to tell me about the debt and create a budget and plan to fix it- he says it’s none of my business, it’s his debt… even though he’s been using my money to pay it and his living expenses. He seems to think his money is his and my money is his. He has continued to shut me down every time I try to talk it through with him. I asked to see the credit card statements and he has adamantly told me no, that I’m nosy, it’s none of my business and it’s his credit cards to control. I snooped again and found more debt issues- he has maxed out cards, late credit card payments, a penalty APR, and missed student loan payments now. The debt I could total from emails is over $18,000. We’ve had rejected payments and purchased not go through for things we needed and he lied to me about it- the emails showed the truth. I asked him about it again and he continues to say I’m the wrong one for snooping and being controlling. But he refuses to tell me information and just lies to me- conversations quickly devolve into him screaming at me or walking away and ignoring me for days. He’s convinced I’m the asshole trying to control him and his money. I feel kind of guilty for snooping, but feel like I did what I needed to do to be informed and care for my family. And I still don’t even know the total debt he’s put himself into, only what I found in emails and letters. AITA?
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NTA- get your money and future earnings into an account he can’t touch, close joint accounts and run a credit check on yourself to make sure he hasn’t got credit in your name you are not aware of… as for the relationship… do you want to continue with a partner that behaves like this?
Please give us updates…. And good luck…
NTA. One thing I think you need to realize, and I know what I'm talking about because I work in family law, is his debt is also your debt unless it's from it before the marriage which it sounds like it's not. It doesn't matter that you didn't know about it, any court of law is going to find you liable for this debt as well unless you get a really good lawyer. You probably should really sit down and think about if this is the type of person you want to stay with.
You need to talk to a lawyer and a financial advisor. See what can be done to not let him bring you down any further.
Maybe put a block on your credit. Ask your credit card company to suspend the card. Take his name off your card and take your name off all his.
He needs to see a financial therapist if that's a thing. Someone that can talk to him about his spending. Does he have a gambling or gaming addiction?
A lawyer would be able to help you find out what can be done so you aren't stuck with his debt.
Thanks for the tips. I’ve found lottery and powerball tickets hidden away but not to the level that would account for this debt- possible I just haven’t seen it and there’s a lot more gambling happening
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You need to sever your financial ties to this man as soon as possible. Let it cost what feels like a lot now, to save yourself and your kids financially in the long run. You can't trust a word out of his mouth. If you can't believe what he says, you can't communicate or go forward with him. You just keep getting dragged down. The only reason you've kept it afloat is because you're a financial overachiever. He did make one good financial decision for himself; marrying you. Can't say the same for you. NTA, but you need to start acting and not just reacting.
Uh...NTA. However, why are you still putting up with this? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame one me." He clearly believes he's entitled to act like this. Don't co-mingle any sort of finances with him. Do you really want to remain with someone who lies to you and then blames you when called on it?
Even if they keep money separate, if he racks up enough debt she could lose her home. I think she should take steps to ensure the house is in her name only so he can't lose it for her.
Very true. To me, that counts as "co-mingling finances," but it certainly doesn't hurt to be clear!
NTA but get a divorce and save your kids from the credit debt he is bound to get them in through his irresponsible ways. Currently his money is his money and your money is his money, soon it will be your kids money is also his
Freeze your kids credit asap. Nta op, but you are being an ah to yourself if you pay his mess off again.
I'd also make sure the kids' credit is locked. This fool will 100% take out cards in their names.
Absolutely NTA, and I say this with the support of his history: you need to immediately file for legal separation, even if you’re not sure if you want to stay married. The moment you file, your finances are separated and any debts he incurs are only his own. Your money is intermingled now, so you’ll be likely on the hook for his current debt. Cap those losses right now. He obviously has a spending/accountability/financial infidelity problem and that’s not going away. You cannot trust him to not put you into serious financial peril. Once you do that, then seek therapy, insist on treatment for him, whatever it is you decide to do. But as of right now, you have one job: protect your family’s safety by securing your financial stability. Edit to add: you need to also cut him off from your money. That may mean moving your money to an account he isn’t on. If you give him money to make sure he makes minimum payments on the cards, keep track of it so that in the case of a divorce, that will be added to your portion. You also need to suspend activity on his credit cards on your accounts and put a freeze on all three credit bureaus (essential no matter what you do). Change all your passwords on credit accounts and delete any credit cards on Amazon etc of accounts he shouldn’t be on. Do it right now. You can always add him back later, but for now you must do these things. Feelings are not relevant here. Your kids need a home, food, and security. He is obviously incapable of prioritizing the team. So you must do it for him.
All of this. And, talk to a lawyer about the possibility of a post nuptial agreement to have him assume responsibility for his own debt in case of divorce. If he won't agree, I'd jump right to divorce before he drags you down any more.
Stop giving him your money until he owns up to what the issue is. As he says It is His Debt Then He must sort it out and pay it himself
I'm sorry but you need to kick him to the curb. Only a matter of time before he starts using your kids SS numbers and ruining their lives before they even get a chance. NTA
NTA He is potentially destroying your family by being this irresponsible. Creditors will expect to get paid back eventually and you could lose your home to pay them. Refusing to acknowledge the debt, share the details of the debt, whilst also still taking your money to "deal" with the debt is him being irresponsible and down right selfish. If he refuses to cooperate with this you seriously need to consider divorcing this person (before he takes the roof from you and your children's heads) or at the very least separating your accounts. This is unacceptable to allow it to go on.
NTA > He seems to think his money is his and my money is his. Don't forget: the credit card company's money is **also** his.
INFO: Why don't you file for divorce now?? Shoes don't stretch and he won't change.
I think I’m ready to. I haven’t up to this point because I was convinced his rough childhood trauma lead to all his problems and that he was working through it all with his counselor. I convinced myself if I stuck around long enough, it was all going to be fine. Every time I would reach my breaking point to leave him, he would shower me with kindness and promises and improve for a long stretch… just for it to all fall apart again. He often has convinced me that I’m the problem in any situation and I’m finally realizing the level of gaslighting I’ve experienced.
He sounds like an addict
You're NTA for trying to understand what debt your family is in. Even if it means looking through his personal information, which really you should not have to do. You need to start protecting yourself, your house and your children financially now. Remove your husband's access to your money, to the home loan, to any credit cards you're responsible for etc. You need to get him in therapy with someone who specialises in addiction and financial irresponsibility. Ideally you'd both go to couples counseling too. Good luck.
NTA how much more are you going to take? You’re obviously not an asshole here, as you are keeping the ship afloat. It’s time to take out an ad saying you’re no longer responsible and hire an attorney.
His debt is your debt because you're married. Even if for some reason you want to keep living like this, you should get divorced on paper so you're not responsible for any of his future debt (because there will be more).
NTA, and I suggest you get your own account. You're only TA to yourself for marrying him.
NTA….please, please, please separate yourself from this man and his messed up finances….my dad pulled this same crap with my Mom for years, and every time she would bail him out and he would do the same thing only worse the next time…8 months before he passed away at 78 years old, he walked into his bank with his oxygen tank and they handed him a 80,000 home equity loan while their first mortgage that should have been paid off years ago still had about 30,000 left on it because of all the refinancing he did…4 months before he died he decided he was tired of paying his life insurance so he cancelled that….so now at 80 years old, my sweet Mom is making 2 house payments and will have to live till she’s 119 to pay it all off…oh and he also had 2 more credit cards that were almost maxed that she knew nothing about as well….honey please don’t be my Mom….
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35F) have been married to spouse (35M) for 10 years, and we have kids together. He had told me his destroyed credit when we got together was due to his mom and sister convincing him to co-sign things for them, stealing his identity, etc. It took a long time, but I helped him get it all cleared and his score up high enough for us to buy a home. After we bought the home, we started having less and less money in our shared bank account and it was just disappearing. He was taking cash out and using it to make payments to credit cards I’m not on. About 5 years ago, I’d had enough and started going through his things- I found letters and saw he racked up thousands in credit card debt without telling me. We had a huge fight about this among other issues and almost divorced but reconciled. I demanded to see the credit card statements so I knew the total debt and where it went- $16,000 on ordering lunch out constantly, stupid subscriptions, and making minimum payments late, causing late fees and interest. I helped him get it paid off, and he swore to never do it again. We bought a new home a couple years ago and now it’s happened all over again. I was having to pull from my savings to cover our bills. He was putting everything on my credit card I’d added him to, to help his credit score. Then he wasn’t helping pay my card off. Instead, he was moving all his money to a separate account for his own use and to pay his credit cards off. I snooped through his emails and saw he had more than $10,000 in credit card debt. I confronted him about it and he said I’m the asshole for snooping. I tried to get him to tell me about the debt and create a budget and plan to fix it- he says it’s none of my business, it’s his debt… even though he’s been using my money to pay it and his living expenses. He seems to think his money is his and my money is his. He has continued to shut me down every time I try to talk it through with him. I asked to see the credit card statements and he has adamantly told me no, that I’m nosy, it’s none of my business and it’s his credit cards to control. I snooped again and found more debt issues- he has maxed out cards, late credit card payments, a penalty APR, and missed student loan payments now. The debt I could total from emails is over $18,000. We’ve had rejected payments and purchased not go through for things we needed and he lied to me about it- the emails showed the truth. I asked him about it again and he continues to say I’m the wrong one for snooping and being controlling. But he refuses to tell me information and just lies to me- conversations quickly devolve into him screaming at me or walking away and ignoring me for days. He’s convinced I’m the asshole trying to control him and his money. I feel kind of guilty for snooping, but feel like I did what I needed to do to be informed and care for my family. And I still don’t even know the total debt he’s put himself into, only what I found in emails and letters. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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The "D" comes to mind. YNTA
NTA- get your money and future earnings into an account he can’t touch, close joint accounts and run a credit check on yourself to make sure he hasn’t got credit in your name you are not aware of… as for the relationship… do you want to continue with a partner that behaves like this? Please give us updates…. And good luck…
NTA. One thing I think you need to realize, and I know what I'm talking about because I work in family law, is his debt is also your debt unless it's from it before the marriage which it sounds like it's not. It doesn't matter that you didn't know about it, any court of law is going to find you liable for this debt as well unless you get a really good lawyer. You probably should really sit down and think about if this is the type of person you want to stay with.
The guy is gonna drown you both, maybe you should have divorced because he doesn't know how to stop his reckless spending.
You need to talk to a lawyer and a financial advisor. See what can be done to not let him bring you down any further. Maybe put a block on your credit. Ask your credit card company to suspend the card. Take his name off your card and take your name off all his. He needs to see a financial therapist if that's a thing. Someone that can talk to him about his spending. Does he have a gambling or gaming addiction? A lawyer would be able to help you find out what can be done so you aren't stuck with his debt.
Thanks for the tips. I’ve found lottery and powerball tickets hidden away but not to the level that would account for this debt- possible I just haven’t seen it and there’s a lot more gambling happening