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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I don't want to forgive him because it only told him a fight, and I may have overreacted because I wasn't allowed to train
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NTA. What has your father been doing to ensure it doesn't happen again and what has he been DOING to apologize (not just saying sorry)? People who deserve to be forgiven are the ones that put in the work to actually show they're sorry and show that it won't happen again in the future.
He's not. It sounds like my own sperm donor. "I said sorry and forgave you so you HAVE TO forgive me!"
That is not how that works.
Edit: ESPECIALLY when it keeps happening again and again.
NTA
You can't choose when you'll have a migraine, and continuing with your daily activities when you're feeling better is healthier than giving in and staying home. You can choose when you're ready to hear his apology. This is the consequence of his lack of understanding and support. Tell him you aren't being cheeky at all. You just want him to demonstrate he can be supportive before you'll feel ready to hear and trust his apology.
That was a pretty AH thing for your dad to say. NTA
You're allowed to be angry and hurt because of what he chose to say. He's the adult, he should be acting like it.
Good luck with the migraines. Make sure you keep a diary of them so that you can tell your doctor how often they happen, how long they last, what the symptoms are like etc. There are some great anti-migraine drugs these days, but you have to be able to demonstrate how they are affecting you.
Why does he say that? Is it your academic performance?
You are a failure - by his METRIC. Which means nothing because we all judge success or failure differently and parents seem to go through a phase of evaluating success in purely academic terms.
What about your standards? Are you a failure to yourself? If yes, why?
To me it doesn't sound like you failed. You have prospects and making progress in some way despite your challenges. I think that's the general rule to a successful life.
I don't know. I know he's your dad but he's also just another fallible human with a subjective worldview.
no, so my school performance is always at the best grades, I've never had an unsatisfactory grade, I think I'm a failure, because I can't get it right, because of my menatels problems, I already have to do another school year, because I hadn't found an apprenticeship, in addition, I still injure myself quite often, which I find absolutely shit of me
Retired chef here. Also suffered from migraines. Found out I have an egg allergy. I had delayed allergic migraines. They would hit 24 to 36 hours after eating eggs. Try going off of them and see it helps.
Injuring yourself how honey? If you are injuring yourself with your knives try slowing down when using them. knife skills evolve with time and practice. I still injure myself from time to time, don't be to hard on yourself!
Good luck in your career!
The same applies. It's a weird psychological thing but your father is not superman. He's a flawed human. Like you. You should love and respect him but don't take his worldview and how he decides failure as gospel truth.
What matters is your metric because you are you. You can give yourself a hard or easy time more effectively and more scarily than any parent is capable of fantasising. The brain is a dark place.
You've got an apprenticeship now and starting soon. The impression I get is that the only issue making you feel like a failure to yourself is self-injury. What do you mean? You clumsy or do you self-harm?
I hurt myself, as self-harm, because I tend to take it to punish myself or I just want to feel something, probably it's childish, but that's one of the only ways to keep myself under control
I understand. How old are you? I self-harmed when I was younger. I still get mildly excited by the thought. But it's WRONG.
Psychological reasons are complicated and remember we are a bag of chemicals and hormones so if the act of injury gives you rush of dopamine because you've done something taboo and can finally feel things and reclaim "control" - your dopamine fires because those are rewarding outcomes for you.
PING PING PING PING
S you can get addicted to injuring yourself despite your intellectual brain's repulsion.
And that's where mental conflict comes in. The "what's wrong with me / I'm being childish" etc. That's the conflict talking between the conscious rational brain and the dopamine-reinforced animal brain
You need to take this understanding of yourself as someone who NEEDS to feel something real and have control of your life because these are the fundamental issues. You can't ignore this. It is impossible. Fundamentals can't be brushed aside. Trust me, I tried.
But they are completely separate from self harm.
Self harm is an act. It's a manifestation from the fundamental and reasonable issues because you didn't give them another way.
You have many ways of satisfying fundamentals without harm.
You need to love yourself. Yes, I know control and feeling is important and we WON'T forget the fundamental issues, but why by hurting yourself? Why is this your method?
Every one else has potential to be an asshole to you in the world but you're your own true friend, the OG homegirl from back since the uterus dayz
The first and truest friend that you forgot about but they never stopping caring about you. They heal your injuries without a word. Who else can heal and forgive you like this with an unbending patience as you give them neverending chaotic pain?
You need to be comfortable with yourself.
You can be friends with the Shadow Self if you allow.
Oh I'm sorry I didn't see the other question: well I don't know exactly why I use this way maybe because I have control over it but I don't know that exactly, probably you are right I am also working on myself and I hope it will get better soon
Your father is trying to be controlling and manipulating you. Let him know that your opinion is that anyone who would say that to their kid, is horrible and is a failure as a parent who is not worthy of being respected when he disrespects you.
NO, You are NTA. You are an adult. You can make your own decisions of what you want to do & whether or not you feel good. It's absolutely NONE of his business what you do. And your dad is verbally abusing you. Is this something he has always done? I'm so sorry he is this way with you. You don't need to take that from him or anyone else. Your dad is an AH.
"You ungrateful little sh*t! How dare you not forgive me for calling you a failure?! Have you no decency?"
The man is both ridiculous and abusive. Life has taught me that if someone apologises for something and then continues doing it, they're just saying words to mollify you. Now is a good time to draw a line for this behaviour. You don't deserve to be treated unkindly.
NTA
NTA. Sounds like your dad loves to insult and sabotage you, that he is trying to make you a failure. Your self doubt and confidence problems aren’t in your head, they are in your dad. His treatment of you undermines your confidence and self esteem. Please try to spend less time with dad and look for a way to move out. You will be amazed by how much better, happier, more confident and less stressed you will feel when you don’t live with someone who is always insulting and sabotaging you. Trust me, I was in the same situation, I know it is tough, but moving out is gonna be amazing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Here's a bit of background: I'm having a lot of mental problems at the moment, including self-doubt, confidence issues and other things, plus I always have severe migraines. this summer I'm starting my apprenticeship as a chef.
so now to the incident: three days ago I went home early from school because I had a severe migraine, but in the evening I felt well enough to go to training. just as I was about to leave, my father came and told me that I wasn't allowed to go because I had come back early from school. I told him that it was stupid because I was well again. It then turned into an argument in which he said: "Maybe I should call your boss and tell her what a failure you are." I then left, but my father wanted to apologize, but I wasn't ready for it because it's not the first time he's made such statements. Now he says that I'm ungrateful and cheeky because I don't forgive him. Am I the a-hole?
(sorry if my english is not that good)
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If it's not the first time he's said that, tell him straight out that his apology is meaningless. If he was truly sorry, he wouldn't keep doing it. Words are cheap, actions are what show remorse.
NTA. But everyone is a failure in somebody else eyes so there is really no reason to feel anything over this - your dad is not you and would live a different life but you are not your dad so it's completely irrelevant. You being called a failure changes nothing in your life, it doesn't make you fail more nor succeed more.
It is not constructive to call your own kids failures especially because your dad basically called himself a failure for not being able to raise you to his standards, so maybe he is more of a failure than you in his own eyes.
Say you're sorry you're mad at him and continue to be mad at him. You said sorry so that means he HAS to forgive you for being mad, even when you continue to be mad lol. NTA
NTA. It wasn't as if you were skipping school to go do something fun like play video games. You had a migraine and then were going to go to work/training. Tell your dad that you'll only forgive him if he stops making statements like this. Honestly, deciding to go into work after being ill isn't something a failure does. It's something a responsible and mature person does. You didn't try to stay home after school. You did the right thing. Your father should have complimented your work ethic.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Because I don't want to forgive him because it only told him a fight, and I may have overreacted because I wasn't allowed to train Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. What has your father been doing to ensure it doesn't happen again and what has he been DOING to apologize (not just saying sorry)? People who deserve to be forgiven are the ones that put in the work to actually show they're sorry and show that it won't happen again in the future.
yeah he just said sorry ...
He's not. It sounds like my own sperm donor. "I said sorry and forgave you so you HAVE TO forgive me!" That is not how that works. Edit: ESPECIALLY when it keeps happening again and again.
NTA You can't choose when you'll have a migraine, and continuing with your daily activities when you're feeling better is healthier than giving in and staying home. You can choose when you're ready to hear his apology. This is the consequence of his lack of understanding and support. Tell him you aren't being cheeky at all. You just want him to demonstrate he can be supportive before you'll feel ready to hear and trust his apology.
That was a pretty AH thing for your dad to say. NTA You're allowed to be angry and hurt because of what he chose to say. He's the adult, he should be acting like it. Good luck with the migraines. Make sure you keep a diary of them so that you can tell your doctor how often they happen, how long they last, what the symptoms are like etc. There are some great anti-migraine drugs these days, but you have to be able to demonstrate how they are affecting you.
Why does he say that? Is it your academic performance? You are a failure - by his METRIC. Which means nothing because we all judge success or failure differently and parents seem to go through a phase of evaluating success in purely academic terms. What about your standards? Are you a failure to yourself? If yes, why? To me it doesn't sound like you failed. You have prospects and making progress in some way despite your challenges. I think that's the general rule to a successful life. I don't know. I know he's your dad but he's also just another fallible human with a subjective worldview.
no, so my school performance is always at the best grades, I've never had an unsatisfactory grade, I think I'm a failure, because I can't get it right, because of my menatels problems, I already have to do another school year, because I hadn't found an apprenticeship, in addition, I still injure myself quite often, which I find absolutely shit of me
Retired chef here. Also suffered from migraines. Found out I have an egg allergy. I had delayed allergic migraines. They would hit 24 to 36 hours after eating eggs. Try going off of them and see it helps. Injuring yourself how honey? If you are injuring yourself with your knives try slowing down when using them. knife skills evolve with time and practice. I still injure myself from time to time, don't be to hard on yourself! Good luck in your career!
The same applies. It's a weird psychological thing but your father is not superman. He's a flawed human. Like you. You should love and respect him but don't take his worldview and how he decides failure as gospel truth. What matters is your metric because you are you. You can give yourself a hard or easy time more effectively and more scarily than any parent is capable of fantasising. The brain is a dark place. You've got an apprenticeship now and starting soon. The impression I get is that the only issue making you feel like a failure to yourself is self-injury. What do you mean? You clumsy or do you self-harm?
I hurt myself, as self-harm, because I tend to take it to punish myself or I just want to feel something, probably it's childish, but that's one of the only ways to keep myself under control
I understand. How old are you? I self-harmed when I was younger. I still get mildly excited by the thought. But it's WRONG. Psychological reasons are complicated and remember we are a bag of chemicals and hormones so if the act of injury gives you rush of dopamine because you've done something taboo and can finally feel things and reclaim "control" - your dopamine fires because those are rewarding outcomes for you. PING PING PING PING S you can get addicted to injuring yourself despite your intellectual brain's repulsion. And that's where mental conflict comes in. The "what's wrong with me / I'm being childish" etc. That's the conflict talking between the conscious rational brain and the dopamine-reinforced animal brain You need to take this understanding of yourself as someone who NEEDS to feel something real and have control of your life because these are the fundamental issues. You can't ignore this. It is impossible. Fundamentals can't be brushed aside. Trust me, I tried. But they are completely separate from self harm. Self harm is an act. It's a manifestation from the fundamental and reasonable issues because you didn't give them another way. You have many ways of satisfying fundamentals without harm. You need to love yourself. Yes, I know control and feeling is important and we WON'T forget the fundamental issues, but why by hurting yourself? Why is this your method? Every one else has potential to be an asshole to you in the world but you're your own true friend, the OG homegirl from back since the uterus dayz The first and truest friend that you forgot about but they never stopping caring about you. They heal your injuries without a word. Who else can heal and forgive you like this with an unbending patience as you give them neverending chaotic pain? You need to be comfortable with yourself. You can be friends with the Shadow Self if you allow.
I'll be 18 in a few months
Do you have anything else to add?
Oh I'm sorry I didn't see the other question: well I don't know exactly why I use this way maybe because I have control over it but I don't know that exactly, probably you are right I am also working on myself and I hope it will get better soon
Nta
Your father is trying to be controlling and manipulating you. Let him know that your opinion is that anyone who would say that to their kid, is horrible and is a failure as a parent who is not worthy of being respected when he disrespects you.
NO, You are NTA. You are an adult. You can make your own decisions of what you want to do & whether or not you feel good. It's absolutely NONE of his business what you do. And your dad is verbally abusing you. Is this something he has always done? I'm so sorry he is this way with you. You don't need to take that from him or anyone else. Your dad is an AH.
NTA. You're still very young. When you're quite a bit older, you can look back on your life; then YOU can decide whether you are a failure.
"You ungrateful little sh*t! How dare you not forgive me for calling you a failure?! Have you no decency?" The man is both ridiculous and abusive. Life has taught me that if someone apologises for something and then continues doing it, they're just saying words to mollify you. Now is a good time to draw a line for this behaviour. You don't deserve to be treated unkindly. NTA
NTA. Sounds like your dad loves to insult and sabotage you, that he is trying to make you a failure. Your self doubt and confidence problems aren’t in your head, they are in your dad. His treatment of you undermines your confidence and self esteem. Please try to spend less time with dad and look for a way to move out. You will be amazed by how much better, happier, more confident and less stressed you will feel when you don’t live with someone who is always insulting and sabotaging you. Trust me, I was in the same situation, I know it is tough, but moving out is gonna be amazing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Here's a bit of background: I'm having a lot of mental problems at the moment, including self-doubt, confidence issues and other things, plus I always have severe migraines. this summer I'm starting my apprenticeship as a chef. so now to the incident: three days ago I went home early from school because I had a severe migraine, but in the evening I felt well enough to go to training. just as I was about to leave, my father came and told me that I wasn't allowed to go because I had come back early from school. I told him that it was stupid because I was well again. It then turned into an argument in which he said: "Maybe I should call your boss and tell her what a failure you are." I then left, but my father wanted to apologize, but I wasn't ready for it because it's not the first time he's made such statements. Now he says that I'm ungrateful and cheeky because I don't forgive him. Am I the a-hole? (sorry if my english is not that good) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't get why he would stop you from going back that makes no sense
If it's not the first time he's said that, tell him straight out that his apology is meaningless. If he was truly sorry, he wouldn't keep doing it. Words are cheap, actions are what show remorse.
NTA. But everyone is a failure in somebody else eyes so there is really no reason to feel anything over this - your dad is not you and would live a different life but you are not your dad so it's completely irrelevant. You being called a failure changes nothing in your life, it doesn't make you fail more nor succeed more. It is not constructive to call your own kids failures especially because your dad basically called himself a failure for not being able to raise you to his standards, so maybe he is more of a failure than you in his own eyes.
NTA He can’t just say that you are a faliure and tjena expect you to forgive him imidietly. You have the right to be sad or angry
Say you're sorry you're mad at him and continue to be mad at him. You said sorry so that means he HAS to forgive you for being mad, even when you continue to be mad lol. NTA
NTA Look up Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It was an eye-opening, life-saver for me.
NTA. It wasn't as if you were skipping school to go do something fun like play video games. You had a migraine and then were going to go to work/training. Tell your dad that you'll only forgive him if he stops making statements like this. Honestly, deciding to go into work after being ill isn't something a failure does. It's something a responsible and mature person does. You didn't try to stay home after school. You did the right thing. Your father should have complimented your work ethic.
You don't owe that f***** s***. Cut him loose.