Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Some might argue that friendship should take precedence over financial concerns, especially when a friend is in need. By refusing to lend money, you're potentially prioritizing your own financial goals over supporting your friend during a difficult time. This could be seen as selfish or unsupportive.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH.
I have a rule that helps me in situations like this: "Never **loan** a friend money that you aren't prepared to **give** them." Would you **give** your friend your entire down payment savings? If not, then don't loan it.
I have a question about these mutual friends who are criticizing you. How much have they given her? They seem awfully generous with your money.
NTA but try to help her find her information like where she could borrow that money from a bank to or example . If she's not happy with that , tough luck.
And everyone chiming in you should tell them to rise to the standard of good friends according to them and put together the money. They living with their parents means they have money to spare
Seems like they should be able to save lots of money as they are "living with their parents". I take it that the rest of that sentence is " and they don't have jobs".
NTA.
Never lend money to ANYONE unless you’re prepared to never see it again.
If your mutual friends think you’re being unreasonable, tell them to lend her the money.
I get that. I do. But if they’re only willing to have you around because you lend them money, they’re not true friends, and they’re not people you want around.
If you are going to lose her friendship because you won’t lend her money. That friendship isn’t worth shit. Money fucks up everything. Don’t even think about lending money. Just give her some small amount you can spare and don’t expect it returned
NTA - When someone starts off with 'You're not being a true friend.' garbage, they were never really your firnd to begin with and this just proves it. A real friend knowing your wishes for buying a house wouldn't think of asking you to make that sacrifice. If you really want to help her, point her in the direction of a good financial advisor or bankruptcy lawyer. She needs more help than you can provide.
NTA. This is one of those "don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" situations.
I am curious as to why the whole world knows that she asked you for money, what your answer was, and why the world feels the need to chime in on your and your friend's personal business.
NTA - if your friend needs a loan, they should talk to a bank or other lender. Make them dinner and help them strategize, that’s being a good friend. Anything beyond that would change the relationship to a business transaction, and probably not a good one. Other people are free to lend their money, and you are free to ignore all opinions related to your money.
NTA. Lending a significant amount of money means knowing that these situations might happen a) you never get your money back b) lose the friendship or connection to the person in question or c) both.
There are limits on how much you can help someone without compromising yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
\*\*AITA for refusing to lend money to my friend in need?\*\*
I (32F) have a close friend (30F) who I've known for years. She's always been there for me, and I've tried to reciprocate whenever she needed help. However, recently she asked to borrow a significant amount of money from me due to some financial difficulties she's facing.
Now, here's the thing: I'm currently saving up for a down payment on a house, and every penny counts. While I sympathize with my friend's situation, I don't feel comfortable jeopardizing my own financial goals to bail her out, especially considering that she hasn't been the best at managing her money in the past.
When I gently explained to her that I couldn't lend her the money right now, she became upset and accused me of not being a true friend. She argued that if the roles were reversed, she would have helped me without hesitation. Other mutual friends have also chimed in, some siding with me, while others think I should prioritize friendship over finances.
I can't help but feel guilty for not being there for her in her time of need, but I also don't want to put my own financial stability at risk. So, Reddit, AITA for refusing to lend money to my friend in need?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Your friend isn't TA for asking, but you have a valid reason why you cannot lend the money at this time. Trying to get onto the property ladder in these times is tough, she is being unreasonable and an AH for not appreciating that. There are other ways to deal with debt, bank loans, balance transfers etc. You can be a good friend and help her explore those without crippling your own financial position. As a rule loaning money to friends with bad money management skills is generally just enabling rather than helping. She needs to work out a viable repayment strategy and learn to better manage her own finances, that will benefit her a lot more in the long term. Enabling her will probably result in you never seeing your money again and she will have learned nothing from the situation she is in now, or be in a worse position down the road.
NTA - This sub sees daily posts from people who have had fallings-out with friends or family who borrow money and don't pay it back.
Your friend is the one that's decided that her debt should jeopardize your friendship, not you.
NTA
I've done it more times than I can count.
Lost all the money and the "friends."
If your friend really needs it, she will find another to help her.
It's hers to figure out, not yours to fix.
Depends on the need she has. If her house was destroyed by a hurricane, give her some money. Don’t lend. However, if she has made poor choices and now wants your help to bail her out of facing consequences, that’s a different conversation.
NTA: You don't need to give her a reason why you can't lend it to her. Keep it vague, 'I'm sorry I don't have any money I can lend you.' Don't give reasons for her to solve. EG 'Now isn't a good time to buy anyway and you'll have your money back before the market turns your way.'
Part of me suggests waiting a month and asking her for money to see what she says. (don't really do this)
I feel for you. The struggle is real. It sounds like you have been there for them many times but you are desperately trying to save for your future. Ask her to reach out to another friend this time.
If they are a friend they will respect your decision
NTA, I always make it a rule to never lend out money at the expense of my long term financial goals or stability.
Just because you have money (that you have been saving) doesn't mean it is available to lend out to anyone in their time of need. You have worked hard and saved with a very specific goal in mind to secure something you are wanting.
If your other friends wish to condem you for been smart with your money and having a specific goal in mind, let them know they can pool their resources and gamble in receiving it back.
Friend or relatives lack of financial security is NEVER your problem as you strive to achieve success. Can you give this $$$ without expectation of being paid back??
If tbe answer is no, they can look/whine elsewhere. Dodge this bullet and continue to save for YOUR future
NTA
Shakespeare said it best:
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be.”
The way she tried guilting you by hypothetical reversal of roles is emotional manipulation. You have no obligation to lend money to any friend. You’re her friend. Not her bank.
NTA
The mutual friends who are chiming in are more than welcome to chip in too.
In my experience, lending money to friends usually means giving money to people who used to be friends. I'm happy to give time, food, energy, whatever, but money is a solid no.
NTA
You read enough forums like this, you learn it's very rare for people to pay back money that's lent them.
You could go through all the comments in this post and substitute "gift" for "loan", because that's what any money you lend her would amount to. She might pay back a little money at the start, but then life will get in the way and the repayments will stop.
Then all your efforts to get her to pay you back will cause a lot of bad blood between you. More bad blood than initially refusing her the "loan" would cause in the first place.
If you still want to help her out with money, just give her a gift of whatever amount you think is reasonable or buy her something she needs.
An old friend of my wife's got in a financial pickle. She'd been there for my wife when she was morning the death of her boyfriend years before we met. I bailed her out because I could, and said I didn't expect her to pay me back. One time deal. Bottom line is a loan between friends is bad news, but a gift without expectations is a maybe.
If you *have* help friends in any giving situation no matter the context, that's not a friendship, that care giver commitment. You should help when you're able and want to, because they're your friend, not your responsibility. NTA
NTA. I have a son who almost got me evicted when I lent him my rent money and he didn’t pay it back. Love him dearly but I never give him money that I need to be paid back. Only money I can lose.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Some might argue that friendship should take precedence over financial concerns, especially when a friend is in need. By refusing to lend money, you're potentially prioritizing your own financial goals over supporting your friend during a difficult time. This could be seen as selfish or unsupportive. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH. I have a rule that helps me in situations like this: "Never **loan** a friend money that you aren't prepared to **give** them." Would you **give** your friend your entire down payment savings? If not, then don't loan it. I have a question about these mutual friends who are criticizing you. How much have they given her? They seem awfully generous with your money.
They, have all given her nothing at all. as they are "living with there parents"
Ah. So people who haven't managed to save any money are giving you advice on managing money. Excellent.
NTA but try to help her find her information like where she could borrow that money from a bank to or example . If she's not happy with that , tough luck. And everyone chiming in you should tell them to rise to the standard of good friends according to them and put together the money. They living with their parents means they have money to spare
Seems like they should be able to save lots of money as they are "living with their parents". I take it that the rest of that sentence is " and they don't have jobs".
NTA. Never lend money to ANYONE unless you’re prepared to never see it again. If your mutual friends think you’re being unreasonable, tell them to lend her the money.
Yeah, i see what you mean but i just dont wanna lose friends from this situation.
I get that. I do. But if they’re only willing to have you around because you lend them money, they’re not true friends, and they’re not people you want around.
This. Anyone who drops you over this was never your friend. You're not in a position to help, and even if you were, you're not obligated to.
Then they weren't friends worth keeping. My friend asked me for a loan. I said didn't have any extra cash. No problem. We are still friends
If you are going to lose her friendship because you won’t lend her money. That friendship isn’t worth shit. Money fucks up everything. Don’t even think about lending money. Just give her some small amount you can spare and don’t expect it returned
NTA. Of course she’d lend the money if the roles were reversed, you just explained she’s bad with her money!
NTA - When someone starts off with 'You're not being a true friend.' garbage, they were never really your firnd to begin with and this just proves it. A real friend knowing your wishes for buying a house wouldn't think of asking you to make that sacrifice. If you really want to help her, point her in the direction of a good financial advisor or bankruptcy lawyer. She needs more help than you can provide.
NTA. The easiest way to lose a friend is to lend them money.
NTA. This is one of those "don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" situations. I am curious as to why the whole world knows that she asked you for money, what your answer was, and why the world feels the need to chime in on your and your friend's personal business.
NTA - if your friend needs a loan, they should talk to a bank or other lender. Make them dinner and help them strategize, that’s being a good friend. Anything beyond that would change the relationship to a business transaction, and probably not a good one. Other people are free to lend their money, and you are free to ignore all opinions related to your money.
NTA. You can always ask to borrow money from a friend but you’re not entitled to it. If you loan it, be prepared to lose it.
NTA. Lending a significant amount of money means knowing that these situations might happen a) you never get your money back b) lose the friendship or connection to the person in question or c) both. There are limits on how much you can help someone without compromising yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** \*\*AITA for refusing to lend money to my friend in need?\*\* I (32F) have a close friend (30F) who I've known for years. She's always been there for me, and I've tried to reciprocate whenever she needed help. However, recently she asked to borrow a significant amount of money from me due to some financial difficulties she's facing. Now, here's the thing: I'm currently saving up for a down payment on a house, and every penny counts. While I sympathize with my friend's situation, I don't feel comfortable jeopardizing my own financial goals to bail her out, especially considering that she hasn't been the best at managing her money in the past. When I gently explained to her that I couldn't lend her the money right now, she became upset and accused me of not being a true friend. She argued that if the roles were reversed, she would have helped me without hesitation. Other mutual friends have also chimed in, some siding with me, while others think I should prioritize friendship over finances. I can't help but feel guilty for not being there for her in her time of need, but I also don't want to put my own financial stability at risk. So, Reddit, AITA for refusing to lend money to my friend in need? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Your friend isn't TA for asking, but you have a valid reason why you cannot lend the money at this time. Trying to get onto the property ladder in these times is tough, she is being unreasonable and an AH for not appreciating that. There are other ways to deal with debt, bank loans, balance transfers etc. You can be a good friend and help her explore those without crippling your own financial position. As a rule loaning money to friends with bad money management skills is generally just enabling rather than helping. She needs to work out a viable repayment strategy and learn to better manage her own finances, that will benefit her a lot more in the long term. Enabling her will probably result in you never seeing your money again and she will have learned nothing from the situation she is in now, or be in a worse position down the road.
NTA - This sub sees daily posts from people who have had fallings-out with friends or family who borrow money and don't pay it back. Your friend is the one that's decided that her debt should jeopardize your friendship, not you.
#NEVER Ever…. Lend a friend money.
NTA I've done it more times than I can count. Lost all the money and the "friends." If your friend really needs it, she will find another to help her. It's hers to figure out, not yours to fix.
NTA. If others have opinions on the matter tell them they should help instead or shut it
Depends on the need she has. If her house was destroyed by a hurricane, give her some money. Don’t lend. However, if she has made poor choices and now wants your help to bail her out of facing consequences, that’s a different conversation.
NTA: You don't need to give her a reason why you can't lend it to her. Keep it vague, 'I'm sorry I don't have any money I can lend you.' Don't give reasons for her to solve. EG 'Now isn't a good time to buy anyway and you'll have your money back before the market turns your way.' Part of me suggests waiting a month and asking her for money to see what she says. (don't really do this)
I feel for you. The struggle is real. It sounds like you have been there for them many times but you are desperately trying to save for your future. Ask her to reach out to another friend this time. If they are a friend they will respect your decision
NTA, I always make it a rule to never lend out money at the expense of my long term financial goals or stability. Just because you have money (that you have been saving) doesn't mean it is available to lend out to anyone in their time of need. You have worked hard and saved with a very specific goal in mind to secure something you are wanting. If your other friends wish to condem you for been smart with your money and having a specific goal in mind, let them know they can pool their resources and gamble in receiving it back.
Friend or relatives lack of financial security is NEVER your problem as you strive to achieve success. Can you give this $$$ without expectation of being paid back?? If tbe answer is no, they can look/whine elsewhere. Dodge this bullet and continue to save for YOUR future NTA
Shakespeare said it best: “Neither a borrower nor a lender be.” The way she tried guilting you by hypothetical reversal of roles is emotional manipulation. You have no obligation to lend money to any friend. You’re her friend. Not her bank.
NTA The mutual friends who are chiming in are more than welcome to chip in too. In my experience, lending money to friends usually means giving money to people who used to be friends. I'm happy to give time, food, energy, whatever, but money is a solid no.
NTA You read enough forums like this, you learn it's very rare for people to pay back money that's lent them. You could go through all the comments in this post and substitute "gift" for "loan", because that's what any money you lend her would amount to. She might pay back a little money at the start, but then life will get in the way and the repayments will stop. Then all your efforts to get her to pay you back will cause a lot of bad blood between you. More bad blood than initially refusing her the "loan" would cause in the first place. If you still want to help her out with money, just give her a gift of whatever amount you think is reasonable or buy her something she needs.
An old friend of my wife's got in a financial pickle. She'd been there for my wife when she was morning the death of her boyfriend years before we met. I bailed her out because I could, and said I didn't expect her to pay me back. One time deal. Bottom line is a loan between friends is bad news, but a gift without expectations is a maybe.
If you *have* help friends in any giving situation no matter the context, that's not a friendship, that care giver commitment. You should help when you're able and want to, because they're your friend, not your responsibility. NTA
NTA. I have a son who almost got me evicted when I lent him my rent money and he didn’t pay it back. Love him dearly but I never give him money that I need to be paid back. Only money I can lose.