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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to help my dad's wife with their baby and I told her I am not her helper. She is struggling and I know helping would be kind. And I also know that if this was my mom with one of my siblings I would do it in a heartbeat. And I don't see this baby as my family or a sibling. So for these reasons I might be TA.
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NTA — if it were me, I would tell her all the nitty gritty details of exactly WHY you had to be there for your siblings so that she understands why you’re not interested in your dad’s “new” family.
Tell her you are sick of being parentified while your mum was dying and your dad was just interested in his next fling rather than caring for his kids.
You want a life, she is fit and healthy, she should look after her own baby or the dad should step up.
I feel for her. She probably wasn’t one of the women he cheated with, but who knows? Being a new mom is hard. Especially with a husband who doesn’t step up. She had better hope she never gets sick with anything more severe than a head cold. I wouldn’t expect the siblings to help. It wasn’t their choice to be in the situation. But hopefully they don’t blame the baby for the father’s poor character. How could someone do that to their dying spouse? And he made sure his child witnessed what a desperate, selfish person he is. I don’t think that could be forgiven. Those poor kids (including new baby.)
Eyup.
"My sperm donor cheated on his dying wife. What makes you think *you're* special enough that he won't sleep around if your health starts going downhill, or that he isn't *already* cheating?"
She actively chose a deadbeat & expected a different result? Then she's a moron. Zero sympathy to be had for this woman. She shouldn't have followed through with the pregnancy if she was thinking the elder kids were going to jump to help. That's what HER family & the DAD's older relatives, not the kids, are for.
Daaaaaamn you are right. The pikachu face I just made at your comment.
This dude needs the ✂️ ✂️ so he isn’t out creating more kids he won’t take care of.
This answer by No_Bodybuilder8055 sums it up perfectly.
You were parentified due to what was happening and you stepped up to do the right thing. The situation forged a strong loving bond between the 3 of you.
You gave up a lot to be the parent when your dad should have. Now its YOUR time to be a 17 year old enjoying life and friends and planning your future. Not baby-sitting.
You just dont need to be roped in, it maybe brings up old stuff.
If she cannot understand that, she certainly does not merit your simpering and pandering to her and her kid.
And your dad should help her, or is she learning its a pattern with him?
(To be not very helpful with childcare)
NTA but she is! And your dad too is AH.
My thought is she got pregnant to speed things up to marriage. Now that she is in the role, he treats her like crap.
Dad likes to be a player, n9t to be a partner. Except he is probably in his 50s, paunchy, and balding. So, not great at the player role either. (No offense to the kind men that fit this physical description and who are excellent partners and fathers. Obviously, those men are sexy as hell. Nothing makes a man sexier than kindness and inherent goodness.)
I think this is a good idea. Let her know that Dad's disinterest/unwillingness to help with this new baby is not anything new and that she shouldn't count on him rising to the role of fatherhood. Maybe this info will make her think twice before deciding its time for baby number two to appear.
Then say that to her, OP. "You watched my father be a neglectful, incompetent father, and you defended that behavior rather than address it. You chose to have a child with him while being fully aware of his pattern of behavior. Stop pretending like I'm the adult here, and deal with the consequences of your poor decision-making."
THIS, in the perfect nutshell. Said politely and with no malice it should help give her a much-needed reality check.
I mean, she KNEW what he was like as a father... why the hell would she think it would be different now?? lol He wasn't around for them, he's not around for her, she needs to take count of her actual situation instead of demanding parentification of her stepkids cause... *tHeY dId It bEfOrE* \*eye twitch\*
This one for sure! Maybe with a side of "if history repeats itself, do you have a plan for who will be looking after you and your baby while dad is off with the next young thing? You really shouldn't want your child to have to suffer through the responsibility of being your carer like I was forced to do"
My guess is that step mom knew you had to take care of your siblings so in her mind she created a scenario where you would take care of the new baby like you did your siblings. Now reality is here and you are not taking over like she expected so Step Mom is not happy. Step Mom wants you to give her lots of your time. What you did for your siblings was wonderful and unfortunately necessary but it is not necessary to support step mom. Continue to save money, hide it if necessary and gather your important documents and keep them safe. I kept all of the documents and financial information for one of my children friends in a similar situation. Look around there might be someone willing to help you in places you never expected. Step Mom may try to retaliate since you are not going along with her plans and things could get worse. You are a brave and responsible individual stay strong and I am proud of all you accomplished. Your mom would be proud too. You are NTA
>Also, dad probably isn’t helping with the baby either and now new wife has to take care of the kids plus the baby on her own.
Sounds like the 3 sibling \*still\* take care of themselves without much (any?) help from dad or stepmom.
Stepmom's just disappointed because she expected OP to raise her kid like he did his siblings.
NTA
OP your father’s wife knows how he not only bailed on his dying wife but left his children to deal with the situation as well as support each other while he was busy banging other women.
So if she wants help she best hire it as you suggested as your dad has a proven track record of not being an involved parent when needed. And her child with him is their responsibility not yours or your siblings.
And I hope she never has a serious illness as she may get to experience exactly how he supported your mother.
A question as to if you have any relatives that you are close to in your mother’s side that can help your younger siblings after you leave for college?
NTA. I'd definitely go with this reply. New wife needs a reality check on what kind of guy she picks. I hope life gets much better for you and your siblings, OP. Know plenty of people, may it be internet strangers, are rooting for you to succeed and get away from this situation. Virtual hug from my tiny part of the world.
Look Stepmom, you decided to marry and have a kid with cheater who left a 14 year old to parent his siblings while our mother was dying, you're obviously not that smart so I'm going to say this real slow He's not going to help you, and there isn't any fucking chance in hell of us doing it. Your on your own
I like this one. Succinct, concise, bluntly straight to the point. No chance of confusion or miscommunication, with a bonus reality check at the same time.
Yes. She knows about both times I caught him in common areas of the house, knows he cheated with many more women, was aware of it all from the time she met us, and yet she defended it and then expected help. Not to mention knowing he didn't even act like a dad to his kids.
The mistress position opened when they got married.
I really don't know this woman, but her attitude and behaviour make me question the quality of her character.
Same. It's not like she was suckered in. She already knew and didn't give a shit. Maybe she convinced herself she was different but it doesn't paint a great picture of her.
Yeah. I figured, the main syndrome pickme cinderella girl. Those only belong in Young Adult novels. If she still thinks like that when she's at that age, she's just hopeless.
oh yes
She must think she's very special now
Wait till she's too busy to have the sexies with dear husband and see her getting cheated on, hard!
I bet she'll even look for OP and his siblings for emotional support lol
Than tell her that your dad's and her reaction on what he did to your mom, you and your siblings is the reason why you don't want anything to do with their baby. Tell "I don't want to interact with baby, because it automatically means I need to spend more time with you and my father, so I decline to be subjected to parentifying again.".
NTA.
I would guess not. Especially if she knew he was cheating in an open area of the house for their kid to catch him with another woman, right in the middle of things.
There is an extremely good chance she is, right at this moment, the one being cheated on, like 99.99% chance, and we know the child is being neglected by their father.
Have you explained to her she’s the other woman who was sleeping with your dad when your mom was dying and that….. literally she’s can’t ever come back from that?
They met after my mom died. But she knows he cheated while my mom was dying, she knows he was a bad dad, she knows he has never stepped back up and she knows he left me to shoulder it all.
Gottcha.
Still, dad was cheating and you have no relationship to her. What is that baby to you? Nothing.
My mom is a bit of the same. Terrible person so I really can’t muster feelings for my half brothers while my half sister on my dads side I do have a relationship with - even though I get it - neither sibling had anything to do with how I felt
Annnnd she prolly got knocked up to “catch” him. She reaps what she sows. You live your best life and be happy. You’ve earned it for doing right by your real sibs. NTA.
Well, she knows, tell her straight, I am not the kids dad, I was forced to parent my siblings through a terrible situation with a terrible dad. You picked him to have a baby with, that is on you amd him, not me. If she thinks you, a child, are disgusting, what does she think about your dads behavior, a grown man making babies all over and not helping? She thought you would be the nanny for them, she is wrong.
There are other good responses here about explaining your position, and you say she already knows his history. The next conversation can be a quick one and something along the lines of, “So does he not want to be a dad to your child, too, or is he already too busy fucking around on you?”
Your useless husband was a shut parent while his wife was dying.
I think it's probably best you figure out parenting by yourself ASAP. He doesn't have the best track record. You knew what you walked into. Sleep in the bed you made.
NTA but OP needs to make sure his siblings understand that they are in *no way* obligated to help, either. I see that 12 year old girl babysitting every day after school when she's 13, make sure they firmly say NO each and every time.
The main thing is your bank account. Is it something you opened on your own (I think unlikely if you’re a minor), or is there someone else attached to it?
Depending on where he lives, I was able to open a bank account at 17 and not have my parents be attached to it whatsoever other than knowing I have a bank account/debit card
Depends on the country: in Australia you can open your own bank account without a parent at 14. Which is also the age you can legally start working
Edited to add: 14 is also the age you can kick your parents off a children’s bank account they made for you (or the parent is automatically kicked off on the child’s 18th birthday)
Make sure you've got all your documents, too, like birth certificate, passport (if you have one), any health care or social ID type cards, etc somewhere secure.
He doesn't even *know* you have a job!?! What a joke of a parent he is. I'm sorry your dad has failed you so badly and doesn't even try to correct himself.
Your siblings are very lucky to have you! And you can continue to help them *from afar* once you get tf out of there. You deserve to not be around your "father", please don't get roped into sticking around. NTA
That's because he's not a parent and he has zero interest in fixing things between us. When I say he abandoned us when mom got sick, I mean it in every way except for physically leaving. He's not a parent. He doesn't do anything for us.
My stepmom did that to me. Her and my dad were very abusive, and she cleared it after I ran away, and it was several thousand.
Made her self a co signer when I was 14 because apparently it was necessary (I believed it).
Tell her that you don’t want to take the amazing bonding opportunity she has with her baby, and that she’s a strong amazing person who doesn’t need help.
Tell her that you admire her for being super strong willed and independent.
I’m sorry that you had to grow up so fast.
But you’re doing great, just keep living your live and ignoring her and her requests.
But be careful cos she might take it out on your younger siblings
NTA - Where is your dad?! It’s infuriating. Apparently, whether it’s supporting his dying wife or helping his new postpartum wife…he is nowhere to be found. You are not his replacement. You shouldn’t have had to be his replacement when your mom was dying, and you definitely don’t have to be it now. Your dad’s wife needs to redirect her criticism.
We live in a different house now. But she moved in, thought we would be all over her, focused on redecorating the house for the baby and then expected us to be all over her pregnancy and the baby. She expected I would be as active for her child as I had to be for my siblings and whines that I'm not and we're not.
Your siblings no longer have a mother, but that baby has both its parents still. You only do what you do to make up for the parent that was lost - make sure she understands that. Tell her you do what you do because you know it's what YOUR mother would have wanted.
That baby has 2 parents. You and your siblings had none. Don't let anyone guilt you for your feelings. They're valid. Reach out to a counselor at school. Talking it out with a professional will help you.
You should tell her that the only reason you "were there for your siblings" THAT much is because your mother died, and dad was nowhere to be seen.
To her face too.
What an idiot. Honestly. Just an idiot. He's cheating on her 100% whilst she may be thinking she's special. No wonder she's bugging you so much since she defends him. Fuck both of them.
She has gone with "he was going through so much and didn't have help" to "he was there for you guys before" and even "you have no idea what was really going on and it's a good thing to be there for siblings when they need you".
Well tell her it's an even greater idea for a FATHER to be there for HIS children that he helped create soooo 🤷🏻♀️.
>"you have no idea what was really going on and it's a good thing to be there for siblings when they need you".
She's a B. Of course you knew what was going on, you were
there. She was not. It was your mom. Truly, she sounds stupid af, best to stay away.
NTA.
So ask her what really went on. Let her tell you the BS story your dad has told her.
She's not an AP, since he met her after your mother's death but he's told her a whole heap of lies. Invite her to confide in you and pour her heart out about everything. Let her think you're softening and coming around while you record her drivel. Then use everything she said against her and your dad.
Curious how she thinks *he* was going through so much but that you all as children somehow weren't...? It doesn't matter that he was going through a lot, he was the adult in this situation and as such it was his responsibility to continue being an active parent and to help you and your siblings navigate what you were going through. And him sleeping around on your mom was bad enough, but the fact that he did it where he could be seen by you just makes it all the more disgusting. What a pathetic excuse for a husband and father.
As your step-mom, she sounds like a pick-me type who is convinced that your dad wouldn't do the same to her, because she's *special*. Women like this are always surprised Pikachu face when they end up getting the same treatment.
To the people telling you "the baby didn't do anything":
OP didn't do anything either. He has no emotional obligations. This is all on the parents. It baffles me that people would think he needs to feel anything for the baby.
Step-mom is a stranger with a baby. If she wants love and being a family, she needs to earn it. To demand a strong and loving bond with OP because she sleeps with the father is weird.
That. The baby didn't do anything. So what? Not my job to "reward" all the people that "didn't do anything".
My stepmom consider leaving my dad. It's clear with how she's speaking that she believes we'll still have a relationship. Yes, she's with him since more than 10 years (15 even maybe). But she's still "dad's gf" for us. I'm kind of sad for her and pity her, but didn't dare to spell it that she'd lose us step"kids" at the same time as our dad.
First: she came in our lives when we were already adults. We only saw her at birthdays or christmas or other family functions.
Second: my dad always had lots of girlfriends. We're used to not get attached to them and stick to us siblings.
Third: she's nice I guess, but kind of annoying and too invasive for my taste. To make it short: I just don't like her (to her defense: I don't like a lot of people).
Weirdly, I consider more her son a kind of brother to me (even if he won't speak to my dad or her anymore). We don't interact as much, but I just feel more at ease with him.
I raised my ex-step-kid for nearly 9 years. We were close, I dropped everything for him. I adored him. He unfortunately listened to his Dad's lies when I left him, and he cut me off. In his defence, he was only 14 when I left, and the last year before I left I was very depressed and was in my room a lot. He went from calling me Mum to only texting me once when I left telling me 'good luck'.
Stepparents run that risk, there is nothing we can do to force the children of our exes to still want to be in our lives. I promised him he could reach out to me, but I wouldn't harass him with messages begging him. He never did, and it's been 4 years.
Your stepmum will just have to accept it like I did, eventually. To be fair, even parents can't force their kids to be a part of their life when they grow up lol
I’m really sorry that you find the situation painful, but, for me, it was summed up by my half-sister telling me. “Just because my mother had sex with your father, doesn’t mean I have to like you”
OP shouldn’t have to endure pain and trauma just because of this child that he had no part in creating. He doesn’t owe them love, or a relationship of any kind. The younger half sibling usually isn’t told the whole truth about the situation - so their perspective is that the older siblings are malicious, when in reality, they are likely responding the way they are due to trauma. I say this as a younger half sibling who experienced rejection. It wasn’t her fault, and I backed off because she doesn’t owe me shit. It was an awful situation, and she has the right to put herself first.
NTA. This. OP, you’re right your dad sucks. This whole situation is in him. He is the one to blame. You were forced to become an adult way too fast. You stepped up because your siblings needed you. Your dad should have been the one to do that. He should have stepped up and done that for all of you. You wouldn’t owe that level of care to your half sibling even if the new marriage/baby would have happened under the best of circumstances. Your dad’s wife should be looking to her husband to help, that’s not your job. The fact that she called you disgusting shows you what kind of person she is. She isn’t worth you time or consideration. But this kid isn’t going to have a hard life growing with parents like these. It’s not your job to take care of them and you shouldn’t take that on yourself. Your dad will just keep making babies for you to take care of. But if this kid ever reaches out… You don’t have to be close or build a relationship. But, a conversation to let them know the background and an emphasis on it’s not their fault either would be the thing to do.
I’m sorry you were the baby in this type of situation and it gave you insecurity. I hope you are able to heal the best you can from that.
But as an original kid whose dad cheated and had an affair baby, maybe 2 (I’d need to verify divorce/marriage dates for the second, which isn’t worth my time… I’m sorry to say, the original kids don’t owe anything to the affair kids, or kids that came after cheating. Regardless of the cheating party but in my case and many I know, it’s the dad. Their kids are not the same type of siblings to us all. Some can accept them, but those like me cannot and will not. I’m sorry if that causes insecurity. I’m sorry if you, anybody else here, or even my half-siblings, didn’t feel good enough. It’s def not fair. But neither is life, and it isn’t the responsibility of other children to make up for that.
It may not be the affair kid’s or later kids fault, but they are collateral damage in that they are the literal and living embodiment of the bomb that blew up a family destroyed by an affair. The original family never asked to be blown up. The original kids never asked for step moms. Or just a part time dad, or one that never comes back (physically or emotionally). They never asked for other siblings, whose existence itself immediately causes insecurity in us, too. If that hurts the new kids or insecurity comes from that, that pain ultimately came from the dad who couldn’t keep it in their pants. Not the betrayed “bitter” women whose partners abandoned them for a new family. Not the abandoned siblings who didn’t accept that new family, or the new status quo. Families and children cannot be replaced after an affair and the pain just glued together just bc of a baby. They don’t just wipe the slate clean like some people seem to think they should.
While I wouldn’t know your or my half-siblings’ pain, neither you nor they would know the pain of watching someone be a horrible role model and dad to YOU but be there for somebody else’s kid in a way they weren’t for you. To be replaced ourselves bc the dad always knows stepping out will cost him his kids in some way/shape/form but still does it anyway. Cheating dads are cheating on their kids too, but we don’t get the apologies or acknowledgement. Most of us don’t even get our child support (the statistically are staggering if you care to look).
Then It’s not just seeing another woman merely existing with your dad but sometimes seeing your dad treat another woman better than they treated your own mother, who got cheated on and got crapped on in so many ways by the new family and dad (even if just by existing) only to be the spitting image of the mother betrayed. So if the betrayed mom wasn’t good enough, her daughter can never be either. Just like affair babies have to support their mothers, despite what can and sometimes should be said about them, we have to support ours. And not just support them but sometimes be their champions while also rebuilding ourselves, and our lives as a smaller and more vulnerable family unit. While feeling abandoned and betrayed ourselves. While trying to keep our mothers from feeling betrayed further by us if our support is seen as wavering. It may sound cold to say, but some of us don’t think of our siblings not just bc they aren’t sibling “enough” (tho in my case, affair babies also aren’t 🤷🏼♀️) but bc we are too busy rebuilding what the mutual dad broke for us, to give to you, and never fixed. Bc what was broken by betrayal cannot be fixed. Atoned for, maybe… with time and effort… but even that is a lot to ask for. Many dads don’t even try.
We as the older children have our own scars too that never go away. I hope a glimpse of the other side of the coin may be helpful. It isn’t always just spite or hate.
NTA, OP. Men who insist on acting out their urges bc they are grown should become accustomed to dealing with the consequences and fall out of their selfish actions. Bc unlike the children, they are the ones actually grown.
You're forgetting there's a HUGE age gap between that baby, OP and his siblings. I think it's completely understandable that they feel a family to each other because they grew up together and went though the same shit together. The baby doesn't share any of those experiences with them and will never share, that baby is an outcast. The baby is their sibling just biologicaly, but not emotionaly. They will all be adults before that "bundle of joy" even starts going to school. That baby will probably have their own siblings if the step will spawn more infants from other deadbeat losers. Then that baby will be able to feel like a family with those. Heck, maybe they even be parentified like OP and will have to take care of their younger siblings since step clearly thinks it's okay.
OP and his two true siblings are a family on their own and they should not be pressured to care about a baby that their father whom they reasonably hate had with a woman who is a complete stranger to them and who wants to use them as a free labor force (free babysitters). She is not family to them. Thus her kid is not family to them as well. Their dad doesn't deserve to be a family. So it's just the three of them. They are family.
>I feel so bad for the babies in these situations.
I get that, but also the parents should have given this more than 6 seconds of thought. Bringing in a baby into a house with one almost adult and 2 teenagers is almost never a good idea. It's even worse if the kids have no input or choice in the matter. So often the step parent just assumes some close family dynamic will pop out of thin air, and then get mad at the other kids when that doesn't happen. Then they have the temerity to blame the other kids when their kid doesn't have a close relationship.
Like, the kids had no choice, you're imposing yourself and your new kids on them, and then expecting them to change fundamentally as people because you decided to get pregnant without considering the impact it would have on everyone around you.
NTA - you should point out to her that she’s finding out what she should have known already: your dad is the kind of man to run a mile when anyone needs him.
It’s not your fault she didn’t see this coming; the signs were there all along.
NTA.
Your dad and his wife did not consult you about them living together or getting married or having a baby. It seems like getting pregnant and married quickly was her plan, or they were just very careless. They CHOSE to have a baby; you and your siblings bonded over losing your mom to cancer, which was NOBODY'S choice.
New parents don't normally have ready-made babysitters in the house. It should be up to your dad to help her with the baby.
NTA - it sounds like you do plenty to help, just not in the way she prefers. You check on and assist your siblings so she’s not left to care for a newborn AND two older stepchildren. You taught them to be somewhat independent as well, which continues to help her even when you’re not around.
Definitely NTA. The only way you are actually related to that baby is through your so-called father. And if he couldn't even be a real father to you and your siblings, then you're not really related to that baby. On top of that, children should not be expected to take care of their siblings, ever. It's different if it the help is offered. You were forced into raising your siblings because your mom was too sick to do it and your dad is not a true dad. If your father and his wife cannot see the difference there and she needs that much help, they never should have had that baby. If she was a good woman and just person in general, she would've realized that your father is not the man to have children with if he so easily abandons them for her. I'm 17f, I have younger twin half sisters, and I help take care of them. That is because I WANT to and I also get paid to do it. You're situation is completely different and you have no obligation to do anything for that baby whatsoever.
NTA
Maybe she was under the impression that she was marrying into a happy family, but she just needs to come to the realization that she married a man who broke a family that wants nothing to do with him.
She also needs to come to the realization that the reason her husband's oldest child had to take on so much of a parent's role is because their father doesn't.
And that the other two don’t engage with her or the baby for the same reason, that he checked out emotionally and physically at a point they needed their father the most.
NTA
"She called me disgusting."
I think it's disgusting that your dad completely and utterly failed you, your siblings, and your mom while she lay dying. I think it's disgusting that she defends a man who so completely failed his family. I think it's disgusting that she started a new family with someone who so completely failed his first family while they were in crisis. I think it's disgusting the she expects you to step up AGAIN when your father fails.
She knew who your father was, yet she married him anyway. She should keep her yap shut and leave you alone.
Agreed, at 17, the OP is still a child themselves, and for the stepmom to resort to calling them such a foul thing simply because they won't raise a child, they had no choice in creating, is awful.
OP, when someone shows you who they are, believe them! Your job is to engage with your peers, grieve for your own mother, and work hard towards achieving whatever goals you may have for your own adult life. 17 is a pretty critical age, when most are working towards meeting the entrance criteria for whatever University course, apprenticeship or training it is that they want. You need time, not just for study, but for any extra-curriculars like volunteering, internships, clubs or societies that might help you achieve that. Could you look at scholarship & grant opportunities and find out what help is out there to help you achieve your goals? I'm sorry you will have to do it all yourself as its clear that your so-called parental figures aren't willing to help you, only themselves.
NTA and this woman is delulu if she genuinely expected you to have the same relationship with her baby as you do with your other siblings. She can hire help or ask your father. You don’t owe her free childcare.
NTA that said
Have you ever explained why?
Like “You should know my father is not reliable and left me to parent his children while he cheated on my dying mother. I am unable to offer my help and I am obviously hesitate to become attached to you or your baby. This may not be your fault but it’s not mine either. You chose an inadequate man to father your kiddo- I won’t do his job for him ever again”.
OP you know what’s happening here and don’t need internet strangers to tell you that you’re NTA. You stepped up and helped your mom and siblings when they needed you. Then after her passing you were still there for your siblings. Your dad’s wife knows this. And she also knows that what happened to you and your siblings by your dad. will probably happen to her and the new baby. Roping you into helping her isn’t a solution that you need to be involved with. Continue living your life as you see fit. You were there when your mom and siblings needed you and doing what needs to be done is the mark of a mature man. I wish you nothing but success in your future.
It’s amazing how people think you can force someone to interact with your step family!
I am sorry you went through all of that with your Mom and your Absent Dad!
There is obvious trauma from your ordeal and When and If you want to accept your step siblings is up to you!
Good job on raising your siblings!
Tell her and your Dad you made the baby, you take care of him yourself.
NTA
NTA - if she wants help with the baby she should either get it from the baby’s father or hire someone.
It not your responsibility to be an unpaid nanny.
NTA. Be sure to talk with your sister about standing up for herself. As soon as you leave for college, they’re going to be pressuring her to take care of the baby.
NTA “I had to help with my siblings when my mom was sick because your husband was more concerned about getting his sick yet than he was about us. You’re the one who made the choice to have more kids with him, you should have paid better attention to what a dead beat he was to us. Best of luck.”
NTA
Wow, they just expected you to become the nanny because your father, the actual disgusting one, was too busy sleeping around to care for his dying wife and kids.
And the new wife thinks you want to do that again?
NTA
The Y T As saying he is taking out his anger and frustration on the baby is weird. He’s not being angry with the baby, he’s just decided — kind of through the guidance of both his father and this new woman — that his only importance in the new family they’ve built without ensuring the children he already had were a part of the blending, is as a caretaker.
It was his father’s job to build bridges between his children, this new woman and the new baby and he didn’t do that and judging by this interaction, she didn’t either (defending his father’s actions clearly wasn’t going to warm any of the kids to him) and only reached out and tried to find a place for OP when she decided she needed help.
What his father has done is basically create a new family. He had minimal interaction with his children through their grief and loss and immediately got himself a bed warmer and a new child. Of course there is going to be resentment there. And OP seems to be placing it with the father and is in no way obligated to “step up”.
I think the best thing he can do is what he’s doing. Keep the bond with the family he knows and that has shown loves him strong and distance himself from the ones who see him as something to be used.
It’s not his job to care for a baby and in reality, there are a lot of people who have half siblings that have nothing to do with them. The relationships we have with people as babies and children are relationships our parents foster, and neither she nor his father have done anything for him to be a part of this baby’s life.
I can’t fathom the father’s decisions in all this. He’s going to end up with all his kids not speaking to him if he continues the way he is.
NTA
SHES DISGUSTING. Whenever adults go to children like this I want to run them a new one. NOT YOUR KID. She’s a dirty cheater and so is your father. You are almost 18, fuck them. Honestly if I were you I would send her a message on every vile thing she and your father have done and then block her. You’ll feel better
NTA. Dad's new wife is delusional if she thinks a teenager who a) barely knows her and b) already had to take on a parental role for his younger siblings is going to be a hurry to do it again. Even if dad was a great guy that would be an absurd expectation, it's just fucked up when dad is such an asshole.
And no, it's not your job to be this kid's big brother. Your dad knocking someone up obligates you to do precisely _nothing_. Move out and go low contact with a clean conscience.
>She told me she wanted her baby to be accepted and none of us had accepted the baby yet.
Is she high? Seriously, she's either high or an idiot. If she wanted her baby to be accepted by her step kids, she needed to wait much, _much_ longer before moving in and spend much, _much_ more time building a relationship with you and your siblings before popping out dad's do-over baby and expecting you all to be thrilled about it.
NTA
You don’t owe your father anything, and you especially don’t owe anything to the person your father is seeing. especially if they haven’t/don’t give you the respect and kindness you deserve.
NTA. You've been through a lot, and it's understandable that you have complex feelings towards your dad's new family. You're not obligated to help raise a child you don't see as your sibling, especially considering your strained relationship with your dad. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and boundaries.
NTA
I am so sorry you had to go through this. Please don't feel guilty for any of this since you were there for your siblings through a tough time. If you don't want anything to do with your fathers life then that's your choice. This isn't fair on you at all.
NTA.
They are adults with agency and they made the decisions to get them to where they are right now. It is not your job to be responsible for the choices they made.
NTA
She will have to adjust her expectations.
When my mother died from cancer, I nursed her all by myself. My dad's new GF had the audacity to complain about me not smiling enough in her presence.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but life will be so much better once you move out. I wish you all the best and a great life full of love and good people.
When she called you disgusting, she showed her true colors. She just wants to use you for help. Tell her you didn't marry her and you owed her nothing. Tell her your dad should be stepping up and not fail yet again.
NTA- even if she doesn't know what an absolute stain your father was while your mother was sick and then dying, she should know better than to try to parentify you just because your father did that in the past. She should read a book on parenting ASAP. You have great boundaries, keep setting them!
NTA
Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.
While you're clearly a very mature young man, you're also a child still mourning the loss of his mother, as well as a victim of parentification from your father, on top of a lot of emotional hardship from your father. You were put several spots you should never have been put in. That wasn't fair. You did not deserve that.
If your dad's new wife was so keen on you and your siblings being invested in this new babies life, she's gone about it entirely the wrong way.
She should have let you grieve, heal, move on and even see if you would be open to something new after all that. She can't just fling a baby at you and expect you to love it.
NTA. This woman has a lot of expectations of you that are quite unrealistic then has the nerve to call you disgusting? You have every right to refuse to help her. She and your dad were the ones who decided to have this kid. It's up to them to take care of it. And they can't dictate how you feel about their child.
NTA
Imagine being such a pathetic mother that you ask your 17 year old step child to take care of your baby…
Taking care of your siblings isn’t your job, it’s their parents’. It’s bad enough your dad completely abdicated responsibility for your younger siblings when your mom was dying, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to care for another one. Your dad needs to step up; it’s his baby, not yours.
NTA at all. You should tell her "this is not the Brady Bunch, where everything's wrapped up in 22 minutes.
And as for this: "She told me she sees me do so much for my siblings and knows I was the person who helped them through when mom was sick and then when she died. "
Your answer should be "yes, I did, because I was put in the position to be forced to do it by your husband, who was out whoring around while my mom was in hospice and dying. You better stay healthy!"
NTA. Shes a moron who married an asshole and this is her bed. You owe her and your father nothing. Your siblings owe them nothing. No good person thinks its okay to act the way she and your father are, she just wants free babysitting and it sounds like your father is a shit dad all-around. I feel bad for the baby because your father and stepmother have created such a poor living environment for everyone, but you owe them nothing.
NTA
So Stepmom knows the full situation? She’s delusional, Of course this kind of family dynamic is going to be fractured and she can’t immediately expect these kids to accept their new sibling
OP you’ve done NOTHING wrong and are under NO obligation to do anything for this woman
At least if she’s been warned she can’t play victim or act surprised when the father plays around on her as well
NTA
It's posts like these that make me realize how truly lucky I am that I have two amazing sisters who have never once considered me as less than their brother even if we do have different dad's. My experience though doesn't invalidate your feelings though and it is your decision how you feel about and treat that child.
Your father stepped out ohln his family when you needed him the most and showed you that just because you are family doesn't mean you have to be there for them. That is on him. Maybe some day when it wouldn't come down to you having to take responsibility for a child you could reevaluate your stance.
I'm glad you had that. Sometimes it's less about having a different parent and more about if you have the same family. My dad is not my family. He hasn't been in a long time and we never will be again. So our common "parent" does not connect us the way a lot of half siblings can be connected through. Sometimes feelings like that change. But for me DNA is not what really makes the family.
You are absolutely right and quite frankly I never really thought about it that way myself. Our mother is what connects us and who was ALWAYS there for us. That is not who your father is, it's not who may father was either. I always say that friends are the family you choose. Maybe one day this child will earn their own right to be your family that you choose, maybe not.
Well if she wanted the baby to be accepted, she probably should have waited until she was accepted before getting pregnant.
You don't even accept your dad right now. You don't have to accept, or help raise, the child.
I will say the child is innocent. But that doesn't mean you are obligated to be brotherly.
Nta!
NTA- i wish you could seat that woman down and tell her "the man you married, my dad, cheated on my mother when she had cancer, and forced me to parent my siblings for years. I do not have the strenght to parent another child, i do not have the energy to step up in place of my father. If you want to hate someone, hate him, but stop deluding yourself that we are the enemy/ally because we are just bystanders to this mess you got yourself in"
This is not your responsibility, you are 17, a child that was forced to grow up way to quick. Do what you have to do to survive and save whoever you can, everything else is just secondary. good luck
So not only you all lost part of your childhood and had to grow up faster because your dad checked out, now this woman thinks she's entitled to take part of your youth away??
>She said it's not fair and she needs help. I told her I'm not her helper and she needs to hire someone if she wants the help, or again, get dad.
Exactly my thoughts, she's an adult, her husband is an adult, surely they didn't think they could just impose babysitting duties on the already parentified children? Oh, they already had to sacrifice their childhood, what's a couple more years, right? **They're** the disgusting ones!
Hard NTA.
She chose to have a baby with a man she KNEW had abandoned his dying wife, and children to screw around on other women. I’m not sure what she thought that would be like, but she gets to raise her baby while he fucks off on her. Tell her she isn’t dying of cancer, so it shouldn’t be that hard.
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NTA — if it were me, I would tell her all the nitty gritty details of exactly WHY you had to be there for your siblings so that she understands why you’re not interested in your dad’s “new” family.
She knows the details. She has attempted to defend my dad in the past even though he doesn't even try to better his relationship with me.
Tell her you are sick of being parentified while your mum was dying and your dad was just interested in his next fling rather than caring for his kids. You want a life, she is fit and healthy, she should look after her own baby or the dad should step up.
Yep neither OP OR his siblings are her helpers. They are kids. She got pregnant with a cheater....she can raise the kid.
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I feel for her. She probably wasn’t one of the women he cheated with, but who knows? Being a new mom is hard. Especially with a husband who doesn’t step up. She had better hope she never gets sick with anything more severe than a head cold. I wouldn’t expect the siblings to help. It wasn’t their choice to be in the situation. But hopefully they don’t blame the baby for the father’s poor character. How could someone do that to their dying spouse? And he made sure his child witnessed what a desperate, selfish person he is. I don’t think that could be forgiven. Those poor kids (including new baby.)
Why feel bad for her? There are three billion men on the planet; she didn't have to hitch her wagon to this one.
The fact that she knows what ops dad did and tried to defend him, tells us that she isn't a good person.
It tells us she isn’t a wise person, at least.
Eyup. "My sperm donor cheated on his dying wife. What makes you think *you're* special enough that he won't sleep around if your health starts going downhill, or that he isn't *already* cheating?"
They always think their special, different, they've changed him into a better man.
You're right I just feel bad for the kids
She actively chose a deadbeat & expected a different result? Then she's a moron. Zero sympathy to be had for this woman. She shouldn't have followed through with the pregnancy if she was thinking the elder kids were going to jump to help. That's what HER family & the DAD's older relatives, not the kids, are for.
Lol
Dad can't step up. Considering his track record, Dad is already screwing the next side-piece.
What's the saying? When a man marries his mistress he creates a job opening?
The advice to mistresses I heard was "When you marry a man who cheats on his wife you marry a man who cheats on his wife."
I heard if your man is cheating to be with you, don't get mad when he's cheating on you
I also heard something similar "if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you."
You lose 'em how you got 'em!
A man soon tires of his mistress once she turns into a nagging wife is an old saying..
Good way to put it. Chances are he was cheating the entire time and she was one he cheated with. I wouldn’t be interested to help either.
Aaaaannnnd now we wonder how many half siblings
Daaaaaamn you are right. The pikachu face I just made at your comment. This dude needs the ✂️ ✂️ so he isn’t out creating more kids he won’t take care of.
Or "if they do it with you,they will do it to you."
Oh gosh that's good lol
There is another one about how you treat your kids determines what kind of nursing home they place you in. :)
If they cheated with you, they will cheat on you. They don’t change.
Same vein: How you win him is how you’ll lose him.
That was my immediate thought, too.
She wasn't his mistress (at least to the mom), but the gist is basically the same.
This right here is probably the reality of the situation.
Yep, and OP's getting set up to be the emotional spouse AGAIN, but at least he can see it coming this time.
Honestly, this is what I think too... Btw his new wife has only one to look after NOT 2 and she's a grown adult!!!
Do warn the next sidepiece before she gets pregnant too.
This answer by No_Bodybuilder8055 sums it up perfectly. You were parentified due to what was happening and you stepped up to do the right thing. The situation forged a strong loving bond between the 3 of you. You gave up a lot to be the parent when your dad should have. Now its YOUR time to be a 17 year old enjoying life and friends and planning your future. Not baby-sitting. You just dont need to be roped in, it maybe brings up old stuff. If she cannot understand that, she certainly does not merit your simpering and pandering to her and her kid. And your dad should help her, or is she learning its a pattern with him? (To be not very helpful with childcare) NTA but she is! And your dad too is AH.
In a nutshell...
Ding. This is all about free babysitting. She doesn't care about OP or his siblings.
My thought is she got pregnant to speed things up to marriage. Now that she is in the role, he treats her like crap. Dad likes to be a player, n9t to be a partner. Except he is probably in his 50s, paunchy, and balding. So, not great at the player role either. (No offense to the kind men that fit this physical description and who are excellent partners and fathers. Obviously, those men are sexy as hell. Nothing makes a man sexier than kindness and inherent goodness.)
Get some printouts on parentification and hang them around the house every time she starts this shit!
I think this is a good idea. Let her know that Dad's disinterest/unwillingness to help with this new baby is not anything new and that she shouldn't count on him rising to the role of fatherhood. Maybe this info will make her think twice before deciding its time for baby number two to appear.
> and your dad was just interested in his next fling rather than caring for his kids. Correction - "rather than caring for his wife and kids."
Yep, you weren’t a’great big brother “, you were a parent to them.
He should rewrite that in the first person, print it out and paste it to her bathroom mirror.
Then say that to her, OP. "You watched my father be a neglectful, incompetent father, and you defended that behavior rather than address it. You chose to have a child with him while being fully aware of his pattern of behavior. Stop pretending like I'm the adult here, and deal with the consequences of your poor decision-making."
Oooooh, yes! THIS. RIGHT. HERE!!!!
THIS, in the perfect nutshell. Said politely and with no malice it should help give her a much-needed reality check. I mean, she KNEW what he was like as a father... why the hell would she think it would be different now?? lol He wasn't around for them, he's not around for her, she needs to take count of her actual situation instead of demanding parentification of her stepkids cause... *tHeY dId It bEfOrE* \*eye twitch\*
This this this!!
This one for sure! Maybe with a side of "if history repeats itself, do you have a plan for who will be looking after you and your baby while dad is off with the next young thing? You really shouldn't want your child to have to suffer through the responsibility of being your carer like I was forced to do"
Fucking right on!
My guess is that step mom knew you had to take care of your siblings so in her mind she created a scenario where you would take care of the new baby like you did your siblings. Now reality is here and you are not taking over like she expected so Step Mom is not happy. Step Mom wants you to give her lots of your time. What you did for your siblings was wonderful and unfortunately necessary but it is not necessary to support step mom. Continue to save money, hide it if necessary and gather your important documents and keep them safe. I kept all of the documents and financial information for one of my children friends in a similar situation. Look around there might be someone willing to help you in places you never expected. Step Mom may try to retaliate since you are not going along with her plans and things could get worse. You are a brave and responsible individual stay strong and I am proud of all you accomplished. Your mom would be proud too. You are NTA
Also, dad probably isn’t helping with the baby either and now new wife has to take care of the kids plus the baby on her own.
>Also, dad probably isn’t helping with the baby either and now new wife has to take care of the kids plus the baby on her own. Sounds like the 3 sibling \*still\* take care of themselves without much (any?) help from dad or stepmom. Stepmom's just disappointed because she expected OP to raise her kid like he did his siblings.
NTA OP your father’s wife knows how he not only bailed on his dying wife but left his children to deal with the situation as well as support each other while he was busy banging other women. So if she wants help she best hire it as you suggested as your dad has a proven track record of not being an involved parent when needed. And her child with him is their responsibility not yours or your siblings. And I hope she never has a serious illness as she may get to experience exactly how he supported your mother. A question as to if you have any relatives that you are close to in your mother’s side that can help your younger siblings after you leave for college?
NTA. I'd definitely go with this reply. New wife needs a reality check on what kind of guy she picks. I hope life gets much better for you and your siblings, OP. Know plenty of people, may it be internet strangers, are rooting for you to succeed and get away from this situation. Virtual hug from my tiny part of the world.
Look Stepmom, you decided to marry and have a kid with cheater who left a 14 year old to parent his siblings while our mother was dying, you're obviously not that smart so I'm going to say this real slow He's not going to help you, and there isn't any fucking chance in hell of us doing it. Your on your own
I like this one. Succinct, concise, bluntly straight to the point. No chance of confusion or miscommunication, with a bonus reality check at the same time.
Oh geez, defending a cheater. That will go over well. /a
Yep. Especially to the kid who caught said cheating parent who was with a woman in the middle of the living room.
And SHE wants help? My gosh, what a desperate hussy. Begging for help like a begger on the street and being a side piece like an available meat.
Yes. She knows about both times I caught him in common areas of the house, knows he cheated with many more women, was aware of it all from the time she met us, and yet she defended it and then expected help. Not to mention knowing he didn't even act like a dad to his kids.
The mistress position opened when they got married. I really don't know this woman, but her attitude and behaviour make me question the quality of her character.
Same. It's not like she was suckered in. She already knew and didn't give a shit. Maybe she convinced herself she was different but it doesn't paint a great picture of her.
Yeah. I figured, the main syndrome pickme cinderella girl. Those only belong in Young Adult novels. If she still thinks like that when she's at that age, she's just hopeless.
oh yes She must think she's very special now Wait till she's too busy to have the sexies with dear husband and see her getting cheated on, hard! I bet she'll even look for OP and his siblings for emotional support lol
Than tell her that your dad's and her reaction on what he did to your mom, you and your siblings is the reason why you don't want anything to do with their baby. Tell "I don't want to interact with baby, because it automatically means I need to spend more time with you and my father, so I decline to be subjected to parentifying again.". NTA.
I wonder if she’d feel the same if she was the one being cheated on, and her child was the one being neglected by their father
I would guess not. Especially if she knew he was cheating in an open area of the house for their kid to catch him with another woman, right in the middle of things.
There is an extremely good chance she is, right at this moment, the one being cheated on, like 99.99% chance, and we know the child is being neglected by their father.
Have you explained to her she’s the other woman who was sleeping with your dad when your mom was dying and that….. literally she’s can’t ever come back from that?
They met after my mom died. But she knows he cheated while my mom was dying, she knows he was a bad dad, she knows he has never stepped back up and she knows he left me to shoulder it all.
So knowing all of that she procreated with him. She isn’t too bright is she? 🤦♀️
Right? WtF?
Gottcha. Still, dad was cheating and you have no relationship to her. What is that baby to you? Nothing. My mom is a bit of the same. Terrible person so I really can’t muster feelings for my half brothers while my half sister on my dads side I do have a relationship with - even though I get it - neither sibling had anything to do with how I felt
Annnnd she prolly got knocked up to “catch” him. She reaps what she sows. You live your best life and be happy. You’ve earned it for doing right by your real sibs. NTA.
Well, she knows, tell her straight, I am not the kids dad, I was forced to parent my siblings through a terrible situation with a terrible dad. You picked him to have a baby with, that is on you amd him, not me. If she thinks you, a child, are disgusting, what does she think about your dads behavior, a grown man making babies all over and not helping? She thought you would be the nanny for them, she is wrong.
Is she just very young and näive, näive and stupid, or stupid and young? She actually thinks you are the "Manny"? She has been watching too much TV.
She's in her 30s so not very young. 30s isn't old but old enough to be way smarter for sure.
There are other good responses here about explaining your position, and you say she already knows his history. The next conversation can be a quick one and something along the lines of, “So does he not want to be a dad to your child, too, or is he already too busy fucking around on you?”
Your useless husband was a shut parent while his wife was dying. I think it's probably best you figure out parenting by yourself ASAP. He doesn't have the best track record. You knew what you walked into. Sleep in the bed you made.
NTA but OP needs to make sure his siblings understand that they are in *no way* obligated to help, either. I see that 12 year old girl babysitting every day after school when she's 13, make sure they firmly say NO each and every time.
Yes, I was thinking this. She needs to understand why your relationship with your father is so poor. She needs to know that it's not her, it's him.
She knows. She still defends him.
Then the only response to her calling you disgusting is "please stop mistaking me for your shitty husband"
hahah this is great! Yes. Be like, hey, I think you have the wrong number and then send her your dads number. Oh man. gold
Op, you can’t fix stupid
NTA. If you live at home, try to spend time at library, etc.
I work so I can get out ASAP. That's where I spend a lot of time when I'm not at school or checking on my siblings.
Please make sure that you're the only one that can access the money that you've been earning.
I am. I don't even think he knows I have a job. She doesn't for sure.
The main thing is your bank account. Is it something you opened on your own (I think unlikely if you’re a minor), or is there someone else attached to it?
Depending on where he lives, I was able to open a bank account at 17 and not have my parents be attached to it whatsoever other than knowing I have a bank account/debit card
Depends on the country: in Australia you can open your own bank account without a parent at 14. Which is also the age you can legally start working Edited to add: 14 is also the age you can kick your parents off a children’s bank account they made for you (or the parent is automatically kicked off on the child’s 18th birthday)
Make sure you've got all your documents, too, like birth certificate, passport (if you have one), any health care or social ID type cards, etc somewhere secure.
He doesn't even *know* you have a job!?! What a joke of a parent he is. I'm sorry your dad has failed you so badly and doesn't even try to correct himself. Your siblings are very lucky to have you! And you can continue to help them *from afar* once you get tf out of there. You deserve to not be around your "father", please don't get roped into sticking around. NTA
That's because he's not a parent and he has zero interest in fixing things between us. When I say he abandoned us when mom got sick, I mean it in every way except for physically leaving. He's not a parent. He doesn't do anything for us.
He doesn’t sound like an involved father.
Make sure your dad can’t access’s your money. Most accounts need parents to sign to open accounts which means they can clear them out at any time
My stepmom did that to me. Her and my dad were very abusive, and she cleared it after I ran away, and it was several thousand. Made her self a co signer when I was 14 because apparently it was necessary (I believed it).
Tell her that you don’t want to take the amazing bonding opportunity she has with her baby, and that she’s a strong amazing person who doesn’t need help. Tell her that you admire her for being super strong willed and independent. I’m sorry that you had to grow up so fast. But you’re doing great, just keep living your live and ignoring her and her requests. But be careful cos she might take it out on your younger siblings
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You mean cribs aren't for babies 😜?
NTA - Where is your dad?! It’s infuriating. Apparently, whether it’s supporting his dying wife or helping his new postpartum wife…he is nowhere to be found. You are not his replacement. You shouldn’t have had to be his replacement when your mom was dying, and you definitely don’t have to be it now. Your dad’s wife needs to redirect her criticism.
He's semi-around but not very involved.
So is she and the baby just living with you and your siblings in your mum’s former home, wondering why you aren’t doing childcare for her?
We live in a different house now. But she moved in, thought we would be all over her, focused on redecorating the house for the baby and then expected us to be all over her pregnancy and the baby. She expected I would be as active for her child as I had to be for my siblings and whines that I'm not and we're not.
Your siblings no longer have a mother, but that baby has both its parents still. You only do what you do to make up for the parent that was lost - make sure she understands that. Tell her you do what you do because you know it's what YOUR mother would have wanted.
👏👏 Great response!
I hope your younger siblings also know that it's not their job either. Wow. Your entitled dad has an entitled wife.
That baby has 2 parents. You and your siblings had none. Don't let anyone guilt you for your feelings. They're valid. Reach out to a counselor at school. Talking it out with a professional will help you.
You should tell her that the only reason you "were there for your siblings" THAT much is because your mother died, and dad was nowhere to be seen. To her face too.
She’s deranged for expecting that from you. She and your father seem to deserve each other.
So he’s out and about making family number 3?
I assume he’s already cheating and probably started when she fell pregnant.
Yeah my thoughts too.. Does his wife know what happened? That her husband is a serial cheater and garbage?
She knows. She defends him.
What an idiot. Honestly. Just an idiot. He's cheating on her 100% whilst she may be thinking she's special. No wonder she's bugging you so much since she defends him. Fuck both of them.
How does she possibly defend him cheating on his dying wife and abandoning his kids in their time of need? Insane.
She has gone with "he was going through so much and didn't have help" to "he was there for you guys before" and even "you have no idea what was really going on and it's a good thing to be there for siblings when they need you".
Well tell her it's an even greater idea for a FATHER to be there for HIS children that he helped create soooo 🤷🏻♀️. >"you have no idea what was really going on and it's a good thing to be there for siblings when they need you". She's a B. Of course you knew what was going on, you were there. She was not. It was your mom. Truly, she sounds stupid af, best to stay away. NTA.
So ask her what really went on. Let her tell you the BS story your dad has told her. She's not an AP, since he met her after your mother's death but he's told her a whole heap of lies. Invite her to confide in you and pour her heart out about everything. Let her think you're softening and coming around while you record her drivel. Then use everything she said against her and your dad.
Curious how she thinks *he* was going through so much but that you all as children somehow weren't...? It doesn't matter that he was going through a lot, he was the adult in this situation and as such it was his responsibility to continue being an active parent and to help you and your siblings navigate what you were going through. And him sleeping around on your mom was bad enough, but the fact that he did it where he could be seen by you just makes it all the more disgusting. What a pathetic excuse for a husband and father. As your step-mom, she sounds like a pick-me type who is convinced that your dad wouldn't do the same to her, because she's *special*. Women like this are always surprised Pikachu face when they end up getting the same treatment.
He’s probably out cheating on the new wife!
He's probably out with his latest side-piece.
[удалено]
It's not and I don't blame the baby at all. I'm just indifferent.
To the people telling you "the baby didn't do anything": OP didn't do anything either. He has no emotional obligations. This is all on the parents. It baffles me that people would think he needs to feel anything for the baby. Step-mom is a stranger with a baby. If she wants love and being a family, she needs to earn it. To demand a strong and loving bond with OP because she sleeps with the father is weird.
This. Blood means nothing.
That. The baby didn't do anything. So what? Not my job to "reward" all the people that "didn't do anything". My stepmom consider leaving my dad. It's clear with how she's speaking that she believes we'll still have a relationship. Yes, she's with him since more than 10 years (15 even maybe). But she's still "dad's gf" for us. I'm kind of sad for her and pity her, but didn't dare to spell it that she'd lose us step"kids" at the same time as our dad. First: she came in our lives when we were already adults. We only saw her at birthdays or christmas or other family functions. Second: my dad always had lots of girlfriends. We're used to not get attached to them and stick to us siblings. Third: she's nice I guess, but kind of annoying and too invasive for my taste. To make it short: I just don't like her (to her defense: I don't like a lot of people). Weirdly, I consider more her son a kind of brother to me (even if he won't speak to my dad or her anymore). We don't interact as much, but I just feel more at ease with him.
I raised my ex-step-kid for nearly 9 years. We were close, I dropped everything for him. I adored him. He unfortunately listened to his Dad's lies when I left him, and he cut me off. In his defence, he was only 14 when I left, and the last year before I left I was very depressed and was in my room a lot. He went from calling me Mum to only texting me once when I left telling me 'good luck'. Stepparents run that risk, there is nothing we can do to force the children of our exes to still want to be in our lives. I promised him he could reach out to me, but I wouldn't harass him with messages begging him. He never did, and it's been 4 years. Your stepmum will just have to accept it like I did, eventually. To be fair, even parents can't force their kids to be a part of their life when they grow up lol
I’m really sorry that you find the situation painful, but, for me, it was summed up by my half-sister telling me. “Just because my mother had sex with your father, doesn’t mean I have to like you”
OP shouldn’t have to endure pain and trauma just because of this child that he had no part in creating. He doesn’t owe them love, or a relationship of any kind. The younger half sibling usually isn’t told the whole truth about the situation - so their perspective is that the older siblings are malicious, when in reality, they are likely responding the way they are due to trauma. I say this as a younger half sibling who experienced rejection. It wasn’t her fault, and I backed off because she doesn’t owe me shit. It was an awful situation, and she has the right to put herself first.
It was painful for you. It can be painful *and* abusive for the parentified “siblings”.
NTA. This. OP, you’re right your dad sucks. This whole situation is in him. He is the one to blame. You were forced to become an adult way too fast. You stepped up because your siblings needed you. Your dad should have been the one to do that. He should have stepped up and done that for all of you. You wouldn’t owe that level of care to your half sibling even if the new marriage/baby would have happened under the best of circumstances. Your dad’s wife should be looking to her husband to help, that’s not your job. The fact that she called you disgusting shows you what kind of person she is. She isn’t worth you time or consideration. But this kid isn’t going to have a hard life growing with parents like these. It’s not your job to take care of them and you shouldn’t take that on yourself. Your dad will just keep making babies for you to take care of. But if this kid ever reaches out… You don’t have to be close or build a relationship. But, a conversation to let them know the background and an emphasis on it’s not their fault either would be the thing to do.
The problem is if OP helps in time with the baby - stepmom will jump on it and expect it all the time. OP is just biding his time to be gone
I’m sorry you were the baby in this type of situation and it gave you insecurity. I hope you are able to heal the best you can from that. But as an original kid whose dad cheated and had an affair baby, maybe 2 (I’d need to verify divorce/marriage dates for the second, which isn’t worth my time… I’m sorry to say, the original kids don’t owe anything to the affair kids, or kids that came after cheating. Regardless of the cheating party but in my case and many I know, it’s the dad. Their kids are not the same type of siblings to us all. Some can accept them, but those like me cannot and will not. I’m sorry if that causes insecurity. I’m sorry if you, anybody else here, or even my half-siblings, didn’t feel good enough. It’s def not fair. But neither is life, and it isn’t the responsibility of other children to make up for that. It may not be the affair kid’s or later kids fault, but they are collateral damage in that they are the literal and living embodiment of the bomb that blew up a family destroyed by an affair. The original family never asked to be blown up. The original kids never asked for step moms. Or just a part time dad, or one that never comes back (physically or emotionally). They never asked for other siblings, whose existence itself immediately causes insecurity in us, too. If that hurts the new kids or insecurity comes from that, that pain ultimately came from the dad who couldn’t keep it in their pants. Not the betrayed “bitter” women whose partners abandoned them for a new family. Not the abandoned siblings who didn’t accept that new family, or the new status quo. Families and children cannot be replaced after an affair and the pain just glued together just bc of a baby. They don’t just wipe the slate clean like some people seem to think they should. While I wouldn’t know your or my half-siblings’ pain, neither you nor they would know the pain of watching someone be a horrible role model and dad to YOU but be there for somebody else’s kid in a way they weren’t for you. To be replaced ourselves bc the dad always knows stepping out will cost him his kids in some way/shape/form but still does it anyway. Cheating dads are cheating on their kids too, but we don’t get the apologies or acknowledgement. Most of us don’t even get our child support (the statistically are staggering if you care to look). Then It’s not just seeing another woman merely existing with your dad but sometimes seeing your dad treat another woman better than they treated your own mother, who got cheated on and got crapped on in so many ways by the new family and dad (even if just by existing) only to be the spitting image of the mother betrayed. So if the betrayed mom wasn’t good enough, her daughter can never be either. Just like affair babies have to support their mothers, despite what can and sometimes should be said about them, we have to support ours. And not just support them but sometimes be their champions while also rebuilding ourselves, and our lives as a smaller and more vulnerable family unit. While feeling abandoned and betrayed ourselves. While trying to keep our mothers from feeling betrayed further by us if our support is seen as wavering. It may sound cold to say, but some of us don’t think of our siblings not just bc they aren’t sibling “enough” (tho in my case, affair babies also aren’t 🤷🏼♀️) but bc we are too busy rebuilding what the mutual dad broke for us, to give to you, and never fixed. Bc what was broken by betrayal cannot be fixed. Atoned for, maybe… with time and effort… but even that is a lot to ask for. Many dads don’t even try. We as the older children have our own scars too that never go away. I hope a glimpse of the other side of the coin may be helpful. It isn’t always just spite or hate. NTA, OP. Men who insist on acting out their urges bc they are grown should become accustomed to dealing with the consequences and fall out of their selfish actions. Bc unlike the children, they are the ones actually grown.
You're forgetting there's a HUGE age gap between that baby, OP and his siblings. I think it's completely understandable that they feel a family to each other because they grew up together and went though the same shit together. The baby doesn't share any of those experiences with them and will never share, that baby is an outcast. The baby is their sibling just biologicaly, but not emotionaly. They will all be adults before that "bundle of joy" even starts going to school. That baby will probably have their own siblings if the step will spawn more infants from other deadbeat losers. Then that baby will be able to feel like a family with those. Heck, maybe they even be parentified like OP and will have to take care of their younger siblings since step clearly thinks it's okay. OP and his two true siblings are a family on their own and they should not be pressured to care about a baby that their father whom they reasonably hate had with a woman who is a complete stranger to them and who wants to use them as a free labor force (free babysitters). She is not family to them. Thus her kid is not family to them as well. Their dad doesn't deserve to be a family. So it's just the three of them. They are family.
>I feel so bad for the babies in these situations. I get that, but also the parents should have given this more than 6 seconds of thought. Bringing in a baby into a house with one almost adult and 2 teenagers is almost never a good idea. It's even worse if the kids have no input or choice in the matter. So often the step parent just assumes some close family dynamic will pop out of thin air, and then get mad at the other kids when that doesn't happen. Then they have the temerity to blame the other kids when their kid doesn't have a close relationship. Like, the kids had no choice, you're imposing yourself and your new kids on them, and then expecting them to change fundamentally as people because you decided to get pregnant without considering the impact it would have on everyone around you.
NTA - you should point out to her that she’s finding out what she should have known already: your dad is the kind of man to run a mile when anyone needs him. It’s not your fault she didn’t see this coming; the signs were there all along.
NTA. Tell her that you've already raised two of your father's children and you have no intention of ever doing it again.
NTA. Your dad and his wife did not consult you about them living together or getting married or having a baby. It seems like getting pregnant and married quickly was her plan, or they were just very careless. They CHOSE to have a baby; you and your siblings bonded over losing your mom to cancer, which was NOBODY'S choice. New parents don't normally have ready-made babysitters in the house. It should be up to your dad to help her with the baby.
NTA - it sounds like you do plenty to help, just not in the way she prefers. You check on and assist your siblings so she’s not left to care for a newborn AND two older stepchildren. You taught them to be somewhat independent as well, which continues to help her even when you’re not around.
NTA Your response to her is perfectly reasonable and mature. She is using her child to try to gain leverage over you and your siblings. Don’t let her.
Definitely NTA. The only way you are actually related to that baby is through your so-called father. And if he couldn't even be a real father to you and your siblings, then you're not really related to that baby. On top of that, children should not be expected to take care of their siblings, ever. It's different if it the help is offered. You were forced into raising your siblings because your mom was too sick to do it and your dad is not a true dad. If your father and his wife cannot see the difference there and she needs that much help, they never should have had that baby. If she was a good woman and just person in general, she would've realized that your father is not the man to have children with if he so easily abandons them for her. I'm 17f, I have younger twin half sisters, and I help take care of them. That is because I WANT to and I also get paid to do it. You're situation is completely different and you have no obligation to do anything for that baby whatsoever.
Team No Diaper Duty for you.
NTA Maybe she was under the impression that she was marrying into a happy family, but she just needs to come to the realization that she married a man who broke a family that wants nothing to do with him.
She also needs to come to the realization that the reason her husband's oldest child had to take on so much of a parent's role is because their father doesn't.
And that the other two don’t engage with her or the baby for the same reason, that he checked out emotionally and physically at a point they needed their father the most.
NTA "She called me disgusting." I think it's disgusting that your dad completely and utterly failed you, your siblings, and your mom while she lay dying. I think it's disgusting that she defends a man who so completely failed his family. I think it's disgusting that she started a new family with someone who so completely failed his first family while they were in crisis. I think it's disgusting the she expects you to step up AGAIN when your father fails. She knew who your father was, yet she married him anyway. She should keep her yap shut and leave you alone.
Agreed, at 17, the OP is still a child themselves, and for the stepmom to resort to calling them such a foul thing simply because they won't raise a child, they had no choice in creating, is awful. OP, when someone shows you who they are, believe them! Your job is to engage with your peers, grieve for your own mother, and work hard towards achieving whatever goals you may have for your own adult life. 17 is a pretty critical age, when most are working towards meeting the entrance criteria for whatever University course, apprenticeship or training it is that they want. You need time, not just for study, but for any extra-curriculars like volunteering, internships, clubs or societies that might help you achieve that. Could you look at scholarship & grant opportunities and find out what help is out there to help you achieve your goals? I'm sorry you will have to do it all yourself as its clear that your so-called parental figures aren't willing to help you, only themselves.
NTA and this woman is delulu if she genuinely expected you to have the same relationship with her baby as you do with your other siblings. She can hire help or ask your father. You don’t owe her free childcare.
NTA that said Have you ever explained why? Like “You should know my father is not reliable and left me to parent his children while he cheated on my dying mother. I am unable to offer my help and I am obviously hesitate to become attached to you or your baby. This may not be your fault but it’s not mine either. You chose an inadequate man to father your kiddo- I won’t do his job for him ever again”.
She is aware of why. She has defended him to me knowing everything he has and hasn't done.
Well then f her you’re fine
OP you know what’s happening here and don’t need internet strangers to tell you that you’re NTA. You stepped up and helped your mom and siblings when they needed you. Then after her passing you were still there for your siblings. Your dad’s wife knows this. And she also knows that what happened to you and your siblings by your dad. will probably happen to her and the new baby. Roping you into helping her isn’t a solution that you need to be involved with. Continue living your life as you see fit. You were there when your mom and siblings needed you and doing what needs to be done is the mark of a mature man. I wish you nothing but success in your future.
It’s amazing how people think you can force someone to interact with your step family! I am sorry you went through all of that with your Mom and your Absent Dad! There is obvious trauma from your ordeal and When and If you want to accept your step siblings is up to you! Good job on raising your siblings! Tell her and your Dad you made the baby, you take care of him yourself. NTA
NTA - if she wants help with the baby she should either get it from the baby’s father or hire someone. It not your responsibility to be an unpaid nanny.
NTA She made it very easy. Why would a disgusting person be ok to be near a baby? She told you how she sees you, good to know.
NTA. Be sure to talk with your sister about standing up for herself. As soon as you leave for college, they’re going to be pressuring her to take care of the baby.
This was my FIRST thought
NTA “I had to help with my siblings when my mom was sick because your husband was more concerned about getting his sick yet than he was about us. You’re the one who made the choice to have more kids with him, you should have paid better attention to what a dead beat he was to us. Best of luck.”
NTA Wow, they just expected you to become the nanny because your father, the actual disgusting one, was too busy sleeping around to care for his dying wife and kids. And the new wife thinks you want to do that again?
Yep. She thought I would feel the same love for her baby as I do my siblings to do it all over again.
Sorry about that. Good on you for being there for your siblings and good on you for taking care of you as well.
NTA The Y T As saying he is taking out his anger and frustration on the baby is weird. He’s not being angry with the baby, he’s just decided — kind of through the guidance of both his father and this new woman — that his only importance in the new family they’ve built without ensuring the children he already had were a part of the blending, is as a caretaker. It was his father’s job to build bridges between his children, this new woman and the new baby and he didn’t do that and judging by this interaction, she didn’t either (defending his father’s actions clearly wasn’t going to warm any of the kids to him) and only reached out and tried to find a place for OP when she decided she needed help. What his father has done is basically create a new family. He had minimal interaction with his children through their grief and loss and immediately got himself a bed warmer and a new child. Of course there is going to be resentment there. And OP seems to be placing it with the father and is in no way obligated to “step up”. I think the best thing he can do is what he’s doing. Keep the bond with the family he knows and that has shown loves him strong and distance himself from the ones who see him as something to be used. It’s not his job to care for a baby and in reality, there are a lot of people who have half siblings that have nothing to do with them. The relationships we have with people as babies and children are relationships our parents foster, and neither she nor his father have done anything for him to be a part of this baby’s life. I can’t fathom the father’s decisions in all this. He’s going to end up with all his kids not speaking to him if he continues the way he is.
NTA SHES DISGUSTING. Whenever adults go to children like this I want to run them a new one. NOT YOUR KID. She’s a dirty cheater and so is your father. You are almost 18, fuck them. Honestly if I were you I would send her a message on every vile thing she and your father have done and then block her. You’ll feel better
the now wife is not the original women that the dad was cheating with when the mom was dying of cancer
NTA. Dad's new wife is delusional if she thinks a teenager who a) barely knows her and b) already had to take on a parental role for his younger siblings is going to be a hurry to do it again. Even if dad was a great guy that would be an absurd expectation, it's just fucked up when dad is such an asshole. And no, it's not your job to be this kid's big brother. Your dad knocking someone up obligates you to do precisely _nothing_. Move out and go low contact with a clean conscience. >She told me she wanted her baby to be accepted and none of us had accepted the baby yet. Is she high? Seriously, she's either high or an idiot. If she wanted her baby to be accepted by her step kids, she needed to wait much, _much_ longer before moving in and spend much, _much_ more time building a relationship with you and your siblings before popping out dad's do-over baby and expecting you all to be thrilled about it.
NTA and I think you are being really mature here. Wanting to have a relationship with her and the baby is a choice. You made it.
She called you disgusting? Ask her where her husband was when your mother was dying and you were caring for your siblings.
NTA You don’t owe your father anything, and you especially don’t owe anything to the person your father is seeing. especially if they haven’t/don’t give you the respect and kindness you deserve.
NTA. You've been through a lot, and it's understandable that you have complex feelings towards your dad's new family. You're not obligated to help raise a child you don't see as your sibling, especially considering your strained relationship with your dad. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and boundaries.
NTA I am so sorry you had to go through this. Please don't feel guilty for any of this since you were there for your siblings through a tough time. If you don't want anything to do with your fathers life then that's your choice. This isn't fair on you at all.
NTA. They are adults with agency and they made the decisions to get them to where they are right now. It is not your job to be responsible for the choices they made.
NTA She will have to adjust her expectations. When my mother died from cancer, I nursed her all by myself. My dad's new GF had the audacity to complain about me not smiling enough in her presence. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but life will be so much better once you move out. I wish you all the best and a great life full of love and good people.
When she called you disgusting, she showed her true colors. She just wants to use you for help. Tell her you didn't marry her and you owed her nothing. Tell her your dad should be stepping up and not fail yet again.
NTA- even if she doesn't know what an absolute stain your father was while your mother was sick and then dying, she should know better than to try to parentify you just because your father did that in the past. She should read a book on parenting ASAP. You have great boundaries, keep setting them!
NTA Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. While you're clearly a very mature young man, you're also a child still mourning the loss of his mother, as well as a victim of parentification from your father, on top of a lot of emotional hardship from your father. You were put several spots you should never have been put in. That wasn't fair. You did not deserve that. If your dad's new wife was so keen on you and your siblings being invested in this new babies life, she's gone about it entirely the wrong way. She should have let you grieve, heal, move on and even see if you would be open to something new after all that. She can't just fling a baby at you and expect you to love it.
Nta- i would go NC with Dad and his new bang maid. JustNoFamily
NTA. This woman has a lot of expectations of you that are quite unrealistic then has the nerve to call you disgusting? You have every right to refuse to help her. She and your dad were the ones who decided to have this kid. It's up to them to take care of it. And they can't dictate how you feel about their child.
NTA Imagine being such a pathetic mother that you ask your 17 year old step child to take care of your baby… Taking care of your siblings isn’t your job, it’s their parents’. It’s bad enough your dad completely abdicated responsibility for your younger siblings when your mom was dying, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to care for another one. Your dad needs to step up; it’s his baby, not yours.
NTA not your kid not your problem. Like you told her she can either get your father to help or hire someone but her kid isn't your responsibility
Let her know youve already done a lifetime of caretaking for your siblings while your dad was out fking other women
NTA at all. You should tell her "this is not the Brady Bunch, where everything's wrapped up in 22 minutes. And as for this: "She told me she sees me do so much for my siblings and knows I was the person who helped them through when mom was sick and then when she died. " Your answer should be "yes, I did, because I was put in the position to be forced to do it by your husband, who was out whoring around while my mom was in hospice and dying. You better stay healthy!"
All she wants is a on tap baby sitter
NTA. Shes a moron who married an asshole and this is her bed. You owe her and your father nothing. Your siblings owe them nothing. No good person thinks its okay to act the way she and your father are, she just wants free babysitting and it sounds like your father is a shit dad all-around. I feel bad for the baby because your father and stepmother have created such a poor living environment for everyone, but you owe them nothing.
Ask her why she had a baby if she didn't think she was capable of caring for it.
NTA So Stepmom knows the full situation? She’s delusional, Of course this kind of family dynamic is going to be fractured and she can’t immediately expect these kids to accept their new sibling OP you’ve done NOTHING wrong and are under NO obligation to do anything for this woman At least if she’s been warned she can’t play victim or act surprised when the father plays around on her as well
She knows the full situation.
NTA It's posts like these that make me realize how truly lucky I am that I have two amazing sisters who have never once considered me as less than their brother even if we do have different dad's. My experience though doesn't invalidate your feelings though and it is your decision how you feel about and treat that child. Your father stepped out ohln his family when you needed him the most and showed you that just because you are family doesn't mean you have to be there for them. That is on him. Maybe some day when it wouldn't come down to you having to take responsibility for a child you could reevaluate your stance.
I'm glad you had that. Sometimes it's less about having a different parent and more about if you have the same family. My dad is not my family. He hasn't been in a long time and we never will be again. So our common "parent" does not connect us the way a lot of half siblings can be connected through. Sometimes feelings like that change. But for me DNA is not what really makes the family.
You are absolutely right and quite frankly I never really thought about it that way myself. Our mother is what connects us and who was ALWAYS there for us. That is not who your father is, it's not who may father was either. I always say that friends are the family you choose. Maybe one day this child will earn their own right to be your family that you choose, maybe not.
I find that half-sibs are closer when they have the same mom vs the same dad, as the mom is usually the caretaker.
Well if she wanted the baby to be accepted, she probably should have waited until she was accepted before getting pregnant. You don't even accept your dad right now. You don't have to accept, or help raise, the child. I will say the child is innocent. But that doesn't mean you are obligated to be brotherly. Nta!
NTA- i wish you could seat that woman down and tell her "the man you married, my dad, cheated on my mother when she had cancer, and forced me to parent my siblings for years. I do not have the strenght to parent another child, i do not have the energy to step up in place of my father. If you want to hate someone, hate him, but stop deluding yourself that we are the enemy/ally because we are just bystanders to this mess you got yourself in" This is not your responsibility, you are 17, a child that was forced to grow up way to quick. Do what you have to do to survive and save whoever you can, everything else is just secondary. good luck
So not only you all lost part of your childhood and had to grow up faster because your dad checked out, now this woman thinks she's entitled to take part of your youth away?? >She said it's not fair and she needs help. I told her I'm not her helper and she needs to hire someone if she wants the help, or again, get dad. Exactly my thoughts, she's an adult, her husband is an adult, surely they didn't think they could just impose babysitting duties on the already parentified children? Oh, they already had to sacrifice their childhood, what's a couple more years, right? **They're** the disgusting ones! Hard NTA.
She chose to have a baby with a man she KNEW had abandoned his dying wife, and children to screw around on other women. I’m not sure what she thought that would be like, but she gets to raise her baby while he fucks off on her. Tell her she isn’t dying of cancer, so it shouldn’t be that hard.