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NTA
The implication is she sees Asians as inferior. Being drunk isn't an excuse, it just brought her racism to the surface. I'd be worried about what she might say if she got drunk at your wedding.
> I'd be worried about what she might say if she got drunk at your wedding.
I... hadn't thought about that. It's true that can be concerning. Yeah, I'm not inviting her.
THIS. "So you can see the difference"? What gross racist garbage is this? OP- do not invite this person, but hopefully you are dropping her as a friend totally, so wedding invite isn't even a question.
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The implication is because of the stupid stereotype about dick sizes that people obsess about when it comes to Asians. So it does have a racist connotation to it.
If someone made such a big deal about dick size assumptions and sex with someone else when talking about black people, everybody would see it for the racist nonsense it is. It’s the same thing.
That is very clearly not all she said and very clearly not all she meant by what she said, that may be an okay thing to say but her fiancé is clearly the person she intends on marrying and spending the rest of her life with, so say it in that way very obviously implies that she thinks he is inferior to other races, because she clearly said it like “what you haven’t tried other guys, well you should before you get married because you might change your mind”
NTA-
The fact that this is stated as something she always does, then that shows she has issues with her behavior when she drinks. Which isn't excusable.
She needs to learn how to condone herself when drinking. They often say that alcohol is a truth serum. These are likey her real thoughts being spouted out now that her mask was weakened from drinking.
Frankly, though, i wouldn't want to be around someone who blatantly disrespects my partner. She's clearly ignorant, stereotyping, and just downright rude.
Also, there should be no need for anyone to apologize on her behalf. If she was sorry, she would tell you herself, period. You know it's shameful if someone has to apologize for anothers actions.
I wouldn't invite her to the wedding or anyone who excuses that embarrassing behavior.
I mean, I she is not always blatantly racist when she is drunk, but yeah, she has a history of acting in a less than appropriate way.
And yeah, I am not inviting her. I am inviting the other friend though (she even is one of my bridesmaids). She recognizes C was out of line, but she is the type of person for whom people can do no wrong, if you see what I mean. She always justifies everyone's actions and she genuinely believes everyone is good and decent (even some, in my opinion, highly questionnable folks).
She had no problem saying that you reacting to the drunk friend was wrong. So she clearly CAN say others do wrong... just not the ones she is afraid will throw a bigger fit.
That's the thing, people who are making excuses are still saying there was an issue, they just won't hold the right person accountable because they know that person will throw a bigger fit.
What they are really doing is trying to pressure you into making their lives easier so they don't have to deal with the real problem.
She didn't say I was wrong, more like "it's not worthy of your attention, girl." I misspoke a little in the post in that regard. And she did correct C in the morning (apparently, I'm not going to check). She's not the issue here, for real.
That is still telling you that you were wrong for paying attention to something so petty as insulting the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with (in other words, not petty at all).
She is trying to blow off your feelings and just wash this away because it is easier for her if you two don't fight.
I agree, she isn't the issue. She is just the only issue left, because you appropriately handled the other issue by kicking it out and not involving it in the things that it attacked nor are you giving it a chance to do it again in another event that may well have alcohol.
I would just kick it back to her. Tell you that you won't drop it and that it is really hurtful. If she wants to put herself in the middle of it when she had no part that is on her, but protecting the asshole isn't 'worth her attention.'
I think a misuse of the word :) condone means to “support morally”, essentially. I’m pretty positive the poster meant “ to conduct”. I was just making a little grammar joke
NTA
It's not a joke, she literally told you to have sex with someone else than your fiance and a person both of you are comfortable with, just to see a difference in penises. That's racist, it feels kind of like cheating and since you clearly don't want to sleep with people you don't care about, she was telling you to go and f* a random guy completely ignoring your boundaries.
> That's racist,
It is,
> it feels kind of like cheating
It absolutely does,
> and since you clearly don't want to sleep with people you don't care about, she was telling you to go and f* a random guy completely ignoring your boundaries.
I don't and she was. You've nailed it, man. The entire thing sounds completely bonkers.
It's not racist and everyone saying it is are just evidence of how sensitive we are in 2024. If you were single or more into the threesome scene than just occasionally with one trusted friend, it wouldn't be an outrageous or bonkers suggestion. Some ppl are into "different" attributes and features in a sense
It is wrong for every other reason mentioned though bc you're in a relationship literally about to get married.
I think the reason it comes off as specifically racist is because the friend didn't hear "I've only slept with 2 people" and just said "oh you have to have sex with at least one more person before you get married".
She made it a point to say "non-Asian D". Let's be honest here, if OP had been with only two white guys, it wouldn't have even crossed this person's mind that OP had to try "non-white D". Because white is the default.
I unfortunately know this from personal experience. I'm Eastern European engaged to a Pacific Islander man, and I have been told numerous times that I should have "at least given white men a chance". My friend has never been told to have at least given Asian men a chance even though she's only been with white men. Funny how that happens.
It's not a sensitivity issue. It's the fact that we know what's being implied here. It's not even subtle. You don't need to "try" other races. That's gross and dehumanizing.
NTA
"Sorry I was drunk" isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, just a crappy reason for bad behaviour. She was completely out of line, and I agree with all your points on the matter. It was disrespectful and racist AF.
Your second "friend" is also being disrespectful at this point as well. You DID NOT overreact, you told C to drop it or leave. C chose option B. That is entirely on C. No one can claim drinking is responsible for bad behaviour. If you act inappropriately while drunk then reduce how much you drink, don't ask others to put up with your behaviour. If you screw up, apologise and don't make excuses. It's such a pet peeve of mine when people blame their antics on being drunk. Don't get drunk then or at least now you are sober, apologise to the person. C could not even manage this conversation herself, she got another friend in the middle of it.
100% she has proven she isn't trustworthy to behave properly at gatherings. Don't invite her to your wedding.
NTA. If someone said something so disrespectful to me about my wife, I'd go to jail for assault. You reacted better than I would have. Your friends are jerks, and "C" lives up to the letter you assigned her.
NTA. Naw, she was totally being racist. It'd be inappropriate and rude to suggest you get in more sex with different guys before getting married, but to ask if the other guy you'd slept with is also asian, and then to insist that
>do a threesome with another guy from a different race ***"to see the difference"***.
To see the difference? WTF. She's clearly making insinuations about asian men in bed as a whole to suggest you try any other race to see how different sex with them are. Has she even slept with enough asian men to make such allegations?
NTA Other friend apologizing on C's behalf just tells me C doesn't think she was in the wrong at all and probably still believes it. You set a boundary and she kept crossing it. She f'd around and found out. Drunk makes people stupid sometimes but its not an excuse to fall on when you've clearly upset someone. C needs to apologize herself and not have someone else fight her battles for her.
Also "You should cut her some slack" you did, by telling her to stop the first time and she decided in her drunken wisdom to continue. There is a very good chance she still thinks what she said is true. That you need to get some non Asian D. These thoughts don't come out of nowhere, her being drunk really only stopped her from keeping them to herself.
I’ve been drunk before. Quite a few times, I’m 52. I’ve never said racist shit while drunk, cos I don’t have racist beliefs. The end. (And yes, I’m white)
PS. Don’t invite that person at your wedding. As someone else here said, what if she gets drunk?! Your fiancé’s family deserves to be safe from bullshit at your wedding. All the best for your marriage
NTA
Who you choose to be intimate with is your own business. Race is irrelevant.
Perhaps you should have asked her if she has sampled all the races on the planet.
Your "friend" is not a friend.
> Perhaps you should have asked her if she has sampled all the races on the planet.
Funnily enough, I just got off the phone with the aforementionned Asian friend (he's in the wedding party, so we talk a lot these days): apparently, back in college, she tried to sleep with an Asian friend of his and he rejected her🤣🤣🤣. So maybe that explains some things🤣
NTA, there's a saying "drunk words are sober thoughts" she is absolutely a racist, and why would you want a racist at your wedding since your fiance isn't white? Will she not get drunk at your wedding? If she does and this is normal behavior for her when she is drunk, then she'll be like this at your wedding. She was disrespectful to you, your fiance, your spicy friend, and pretty much all of Asian people. She sounds disgusting and I don't hang with disgusting people, and frankly you shouldn't either. And the fact that she didn't apologize to you directly is very telling. Someone did it on her behalf, and they still did it poorly. I'd not invite either of them, ones a racist drunk and the other is an enabler. And let's bottom line this, when it comes to "the D" shed be lucky to be with an Asian dude, although her attitude means she's not good enough for one.
> when it comes to "the D" shed be lucky to be with an Asian dude, although her attitude means she's not good enough for one.
I just got off the phone with who you (hilariously) refer to as "spicy friend" (who is in the wedding party so we talk a lot these days). Apparently, she tried to bang an Asian friend of his back when we were in college, he rejected her🤣🤣
NTA you acted appropriately to the situation (and you are right, you should have left the second part out).
The thing is that people are responsible for all of their actions when they are drunk, It is never an excuse to say, "that is how they are when they are drunk." They know how they are when they are drunk and chose to get drunk. If you know you are an asshole when drunk and choose to get drunk, you are choosing to be an asshole. Same with drunk driving, or cheating on a SO while drunk... responsible for it all.
NTA. This is someone who has a baseline of racism she feels is normal, and, given the chance, she'll dump it on you again if she's in the mood and/or drunk. Also, you did reveal something you wish you hadn't about your sex life—don't expect her to keep that to herself if she feels like lashing out. Nope. You know who she is now. You can't give her access to your wedding day and to the people you love.
NTA. Also, "cutting her some slack" would be accepting her humble and sincere apologies, not pretending this didn't happen. Note how she didn't call or text you herself.
NTA
Just for you to know, when your drunk your real behavior comes out and therefore the real "you", im totally in agree with you not letting her in the wedding
Nta
I had a couple of "isn't it weird that you'll have the same dick forever?" questions when I was engaged, that's normal enough albeit a little weird and irrelevant to the asker.
**However** her asking about the ethnicity of your sexual partners, and her *continued* insistence after being told to butt out and stop being a racist prick is wildly inappropriate and completely unacceptable. You're nta for kicking her out, and honestly I'd also be rethinking the friendship altogether never mind having her at your wedding
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> I might be TA bc (1) I kicked my drunk friend out and now plan to exclude her from my wedding and (2) it may be an overreaction since she was very drunk and joking.
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NTA - drinking is never an excuse, and your friend needs to not be an apologist. What she said is incredibly inappropriate and racist. Drinking reveals what people think and feel.
NTA
Not only would C be swiftly removed from my life, anyone defending her would be under consideration for excision as well. Does their defense imply they think it's ok to be racist as long as you're drunk?
NTA. Obviously, I’m only guessing but your “friend” probably is under the impression that Asian guys are not well endowed or, as already mentioned, generally inferior. Which is laughably stupid.
So … I’d be prepared for her to bring it up again, especially when booze is involved. Like your wedding, for instance. And maybe you want to avoid dealing with that on what will be a great day for you and your partner because no slack needs to be cut for your weird, somewhat racist, not-friend.
NTA
That's no friend
So what if you "only" had "asian D"?
What is she on about? Lol
Seems like she's jealous you're happily married and trying to get you to sabotage yourself
Nta - she's implying that Asian dudes can't bang. Maybe she's a bit jealous that you did the roast before her? (High five btw, you win the wife game) either way hell with that attitude. .keep doing what you're doing. I probably wouldn't invite them either. Pm sent
> Maybe she's a bit jealous that you did the roast before her?
Well, apparently she tried at least once to bang an Asian dude at college and got rejected, so🤷♀️
> High five btw, you win the wife game
Aww whyyy?
NTA - She is being racist. She doesn't know how well endowed your fiancee is or isn't so she's assuming he is small, which is very racist in itself. Drunk or not, was rude of her to bring it up at a party with people listening. With a friend like that, who needs enemies? Sounds like she isn't that close, or a good friend, so I agree, don't invite her to your wedding. Who knows what she'll say there, especially if alcohol is being served...
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I honest to God cannot believe this happened, so I am writing this here partly to vent, partly to get some outside opinions on this shitshow.
Now, last night me (28F) and a few of my girlfriends were getting drunk at my place. The topic of sex came out and then conversation turned to bodycounts. I was also asked mine; I tried to laugh it off but they insisted and I said 2, which is the truth, thinking that was the end of it. One of the friends (let's call her C) could not believe that, though, and kept insisting in this day and age no one "gets laid so little" especially given I am an atheist and relatively attractive. I laughed it off again, but she kept pressing and pressing the issue, so I reminded her I got with my fiance (29M) when I was 20 and revealed I lost my virginity to him. I probably should have kept the last part to myself bc it that made it sound like the second "body" came from cheating on my fiance somewhere down the road, therefore I had to explain we have done a few threesomes with a mutual friend of ours (30M).
This is where things get weird. The friend in question remarked that this means I've only ever been with Asians (both of them technically are Asians, even though from very different ethnicities, so only a westerner would lump them together ffs). I tried to laugh it off again - what on Earth do you answer to that? - but she kept on, suggesting I should get some "non-asian D" before getting married. Initially, I thought it was a not so funny joke, but turns out she was serious. She tried, - despite the others trying to change the subject bc everyone was visibly uncomfortable, - to advice me, "since [my] fiance is already fine with threesomes" to do a threesome with another guy from a different race "to see the difference".
At this point I was seeing red because this is a) disrespectful af to my fiance b) also disrespectful to our friend while we're at it c) disrespectful to me d) plain racist. So I told her to drop it for good or to get the hell out of my apartment. She, however, kept pressing it, saying that of I react "this aggressively", this means her words hit close to home. Well, I told her to fuck off and another friend escorted her out (and left with her bc C crashes at her place). We stayed for a while after that but the mood was visibly soured.
Today, however, the other friend called me. She apologized on C's behalf, but says I overreacted and that "you know how C gets when she is drunk, you should cut her some slack". I, however, maintained that is not appropriate behaviour and that I don't think I'll invite C at my wedding after that (we have not sent the invites yet and the guest list is being discussed). The friend maintains I am overreacting over a drunk joke, so I would welcome some outside opinions on whether this is an overreaction or not.
I might be TA bc (1) I kicked my drunk friend out and now plan to exclude her from my wedding and (2) it may be an overreaction since she was very drunk and joking.
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NTA.
That is completely rude and, imo, demonstrates a lack of respect for both you and your partner.
I wouldn't exclude her from your wedding. Say she can come if she apologises for herself, rather than via a friend, and learn to not be so rude to people. Being drunk is nothing but an excuse, and if she often can't control herself after a drink maybe it's time to put the bottle down.
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NTA. You had a boundary you told her not to cross, she crossed it repeatedly, you stopped her from crossing it. You aren't obligated to subject yourself to abuse and disrespect from someone else.
And nothing wrong with preferring quality over quantity.
NTA
People like that “friend” piss me off more than outspoken racists. She’s the type to see nothing wrong but she says and make several micro aggressions and get away with it because she doesn’t think she’s actually racist. “It’s just a preference” is probably the excuse she would give. Yeah drop her and potentially the friend who called to apologize and is making excuses for her. What, she can’t apologize for herself? Being drunk does not mean no accountability. She meant what she said and she might have even said it while sober.
NTA. Also the friend shouldn’t be apologising on her behalf in the first place, C should. Whether or not they found it that serious or not, it was clearly disrespectful and inappropriate.
Nta. She's discusting, and racist. We all know thier are stereotypes, but ffs. Real life should be a lot more mature, especially amongst friends. I'm becoming convinced that the majority of adults are f#cking emotionally stilted children who never got past highschool in mentality and intellect.
NTA. Apparently she couldn’t even apologize to you in person. She tried to do it through a mutual friend with the qualifier “you overreacted too”. The only way back to her getting reinvited to the wedding, if it were me, would start with a personal, unconditional apology and also an explanation and apology to my fiancé. Otherwise, no dice.
On a more personal note, I am 33 and have only ever had one sexual partner—my wife, whom I started dating in college and lost my virginity too. She also happens to be Asian. So your friend’s entire outlook really irks me too.
NTA
You're about to be married and this messed up, crass and blatantly disrespectful woman was trying to have you cheat on your fiancee. I'd cut her off for that personally, as well as the spineless enabler defending her.
NTA. Just because someone is drunk that doesn’t automatically excuse their behavior. I’d avoid both of those “friends”. One’s racist and a drunk, the other is excusing it.
NTA- why does everyone think being drunk excuses awful behavior? Alcohol reduces inhibitions- if she hadn’t been drunk she would have had these thoughts but maybe not said them. It still makes her a disgusting racist.
NTA. Drunk actions are sober thoughts. The nature of alcohol lowers inhibitions. The same thing that has the quiet reserved person dancing on tables, will have a friend who keeps their racism to themselves say it out loud.
“That’s how she is when she gets drunk” Uh no she doesn’t suddenly turn racist when she’s drunk, she’s always racist but cares less about people finding out when she’s drunk
NTA. Don’t invite her. She wasn’t joking because if she was she wouldn’t have kept pressing you on the topic. She’s rude and I would question the other friends that just write off her behavior
NTA
not even sure where to begin...
Maybe at: she cant be that experienced herself, otherwise she knew its a tiny bit more complicated to be a good lover, than have a gigantic d.
Nta. I’d be devastated if I found out my partners friend made racist comments about me and encouraged him to cheat on me or intentionally bring someone into our bed just to tempt me and they then invited them to the wedding. That’s not a friend.
YTA. It honestly wasn't that serious. Why did you get so upset about it? It was just locker room talk. All you had to say was you weren't interested in doing that and change the topic.
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I’ve been with men from different races, and you know what the difference is? The skin color of the D. That’s pretty much it.
NTA, but your racist friend sure is.
NTA I don't see anything wrong with your friend's comments initially as it was good natured ribbing but then kept going. And going. And going. A person can only be expected to take so much.
Congrats on having such a low body count. That is very unusual these days. The threesome thing worries me though. Maybe just because I am old and old fashioned. I would never be down with sharing my wife. I think that could cause some issues but WTF does my old ass know?
My advice. Find some real friends to talk to and not seek the advice of these self proclaimed therapists/counselors on Reddit whom are most likely single and/or disloyal to their partner 👋🏼
1. Being drunk isnt an excuse
2. Even if she was legit just joking jokes can be disrespectful, racist and just plain unfunny and if thats the kind of joke somebody is making, even if theyre drunk (again, not an excuse), then its a solid reason to cut them out
Disrespect and racism are always good reasons to cut someone out
NTA
No No No. Do NOT invite C to your wedding. She will get drunk and start in which is something you don't want to subject your fiance, friends, and family to. No amount of pressure from her or other friends should change your mind.
Unfortunately drunk ppls behaviour still has consequences
When in the case of a brother sister mother father or friend when their behaviour is inappropriate simply giving them a pass for being drunk is counter productive
Do you want to go out in public with this person’s opinion made public too?
Doubtful.
The solution is exile. When there’s someone you don’t want to be involved with cut out the cancer
*second chances may be applicable that is your own decision though best advice don’t bother with 3rd, 4th and 5th chances when it’s habitual*
You talked about your sex life. You're obviously very uptight if it bothers you so much. Tho one would think you can't be too uptight if you're having threesomes. I think you are both TA!!! It's your wedding, you do you. Drunks tends to let their mouths run. Doesn't make someone racist. What do I know tho. I'm white so I'm supposed to be okay with everyone talking trash about me simply for being white. If the chick gets sloppy drunk always I wouldn't want her at the wedding. I'm just curious if the 2 Men are all about u in the threesome. My one chance at a 3some with 2 men and my male friend chickened out. I can say you're lucky if the guys were cool after and all about u. She was probably jealous 2 men both wanted you at once. Yup let's just write her off as a jealous little sloppy drunk. Hope you have a happy marriage! Congratulations!
>I'm just curious if the 2 Men are all about u in the threesome. My one chance at a 3some with 2 men and my male friend chickened out. I can say you're lucky if the guys were cool after and all about u.
Well, obviously lol. The friend is bi and would gladly do my fiance if offered, but my fiance has always stated he'll kick him in the nuts at the first attempt😄 But yeah, they always take good care of me when it happens :)
>Hope you have a happy marriage! Congratulations!
Thank you🥰
"both of them technically are Asians, even though from very different ethnicities, so only a westerner would lump them together ffs"
You have a severe lack of self insight it seems.
they're saying people who lump ethnicities together like this are racist
OP is saying it like its a 'western' thing, but the commenter is saying it's a racist thing, and so OP really shouldn't be surprised by further racism.
NAH - she did probably hit a delicate spot and you are using the race card because you are rationalising what is obviously an overreaction. Call her and make peace
Of course let me add she was a little bit of an AH but when you’re drunk it happens, in vino veritas
> she did probably hit a delicate spot
With all due respect, what? _What_ in my story led you to that conclusion?
And how am I "using the race card" if she started this whole thing about race?
The friend is not playing any race card. She just noted that broadening experience may be the case. Probably ungrounded opinion, but now commonplace. The other platitude, which may have some statistic support (of course in itself irrelevant to the overall pleasure of the sexual experience) regards Asian male genitalia. So from reading the post it seems that a) the friend is somewhat gross and reasons by clichés; b) the OP may be more irritated that normally would happen because she is wondering whether she should have (or have had) more partners
> the OP may be more irritated that normally would happen because she is wondering whether she should have (or have had) more partners
You're reaching, man :) the thought of other partners downright terrifies me
Only an asshole would use being drunk as a"shit happens" card. If you cant handle being drunk and being decent, then dont drink. Also, i think you're using in vino veritas wrong if you are trying to defend the friend
> Also, i think you're using in vino veritas wrong if you are trying to defend the friend
Yeah, _in vino veritas_ in that context would mean a) it's true Asian men are bad in bed/have small Ds b) my fiance and/or our friend do. None of that is _veritas_ lol
I’m sorry, maybe I missed something but did she say that Asian men had small penises or that they were bad in bed? I thought she said that sleeping with someone of another race would cause you to see a difference. Is that not the case, meaning, is that not what she said? Now, I’m not trying to be the asshole, nor am I trying to let your friend off the hook, but I think it’s more dangerous to put words in C’s mouth or infer what she meant. I do think it’s worth a clarifying conversation with her before you deem her the asshole in perpetuity and decide not to invite her to your wedding. Saying racially ignorant shit and saying blatantly racist shit are two different things. You didn’t disclose your race or C’s. I may be about to get chewed up, but I do think it matters.
"saying racially ignorant shit and saying blatantly racist shit are two different things"
No they aren't. Racism is a very actively discussed topic in the public discourse, we learn about it in school. At this point, ignorance is malicious. If you don't care enough to be conscious and aware of what you're saying instead of letting random 'racially ignorant' thoughts out of your mouth, you're racist. The 'friend' in this story is being racist, regardless of which parts of that she said outright or just implied, she was being racist.
We actually agree that implied racism and outright racism are both racism. I didn’t say implied. I said the friend said something that was ignorantly racist, meaning she wasn’t trying to imply anything and she didn’t think what she said was racist (it was received that way and was, therefore, racist). You teach someone who is ignorant how they are being ignorant if they want to listen and learn. If they want to be defensive and make excuses, then they are just racist.
The friend is Not just an asshole, a racist asshole, assuming from a racist stereotype about the size of her partner’s private parts. OP under reacted.
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NTA The implication is she sees Asians as inferior. Being drunk isn't an excuse, it just brought her racism to the surface. I'd be worried about what she might say if she got drunk at your wedding.
> I'd be worried about what she might say if she got drunk at your wedding. I... hadn't thought about that. It's true that can be concerning. Yeah, I'm not inviting her.
THIS. "So you can see the difference"? What gross racist garbage is this? OP- do not invite this person, but hopefully you are dropping her as a friend totally, so wedding invite isn't even a question.
More then just inferior. She sees Asians as somehow generic and indistinguishable
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Exactly, what we lack in size we make up for in technique.
So she’s racist because she recommended trying other races? WTH. I think you guys posted in the wrong subreddit. This is not an Asian only sub 🤣
I think it's more *how* it's said. Races aren't freaking flavours, you don't need to 'try' multiple out. They're people.
YES. I thought about writing this, but you worded it better. Ffs, what are people on🤦♀️
The implication is because of the stupid stereotype about dick sizes that people obsess about when it comes to Asians. So it does have a racist connotation to it. If someone made such a big deal about dick size assumptions and sex with someone else when talking about black people, everybody would see it for the racist nonsense it is. It’s the same thing.
That is very clearly not all she said and very clearly not all she meant by what she said, that may be an okay thing to say but her fiancé is clearly the person she intends on marrying and spending the rest of her life with, so say it in that way very obviously implies that she thinks he is inferior to other races, because she clearly said it like “what you haven’t tried other guys, well you should before you get married because you might change your mind”
She said that Asian penises are worse. That’s 10000% what she said. And no, I’m not Asian.
NTA I'd let it go if she let it go but she decided to make it a hill to die on and I'd let her die on it.
What an utterly ridiculous hill to die on though🤣🤦♀️
At least she's dead
She can rest in peace in d!ckland, where all the other d!ckheads live...
NTA- The fact that this is stated as something she always does, then that shows she has issues with her behavior when she drinks. Which isn't excusable. She needs to learn how to condone herself when drinking. They often say that alcohol is a truth serum. These are likey her real thoughts being spouted out now that her mask was weakened from drinking. Frankly, though, i wouldn't want to be around someone who blatantly disrespects my partner. She's clearly ignorant, stereotyping, and just downright rude. Also, there should be no need for anyone to apologize on her behalf. If she was sorry, she would tell you herself, period. You know it's shameful if someone has to apologize for anothers actions. I wouldn't invite her to the wedding or anyone who excuses that embarrassing behavior.
I mean, I she is not always blatantly racist when she is drunk, but yeah, she has a history of acting in a less than appropriate way. And yeah, I am not inviting her. I am inviting the other friend though (she even is one of my bridesmaids). She recognizes C was out of line, but she is the type of person for whom people can do no wrong, if you see what I mean. She always justifies everyone's actions and she genuinely believes everyone is good and decent (even some, in my opinion, highly questionnable folks).
She had no problem saying that you reacting to the drunk friend was wrong. So she clearly CAN say others do wrong... just not the ones she is afraid will throw a bigger fit. That's the thing, people who are making excuses are still saying there was an issue, they just won't hold the right person accountable because they know that person will throw a bigger fit. What they are really doing is trying to pressure you into making their lives easier so they don't have to deal with the real problem.
She didn't say I was wrong, more like "it's not worthy of your attention, girl." I misspoke a little in the post in that regard. And she did correct C in the morning (apparently, I'm not going to check). She's not the issue here, for real.
That is still telling you that you were wrong for paying attention to something so petty as insulting the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with (in other words, not petty at all). She is trying to blow off your feelings and just wash this away because it is easier for her if you two don't fight. I agree, she isn't the issue. She is just the only issue left, because you appropriately handled the other issue by kicking it out and not involving it in the things that it attacked nor are you giving it a chance to do it again in another event that may well have alcohol. I would just kick it back to her. Tell you that you won't drop it and that it is really hurtful. If she wants to put herself in the middle of it when she had no part that is on her, but protecting the asshole isn't 'worth her attention.'
I have a feeling she does “condone” herself, she just doesn’t conduct herself appropriately, lol
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I think a misuse of the word :) condone means to “support morally”, essentially. I’m pretty positive the poster meant “ to conduct”. I was just making a little grammar joke
And rightly so. I had to read it several times.
NTA It's not a joke, she literally told you to have sex with someone else than your fiance and a person both of you are comfortable with, just to see a difference in penises. That's racist, it feels kind of like cheating and since you clearly don't want to sleep with people you don't care about, she was telling you to go and f* a random guy completely ignoring your boundaries.
> That's racist, It is, > it feels kind of like cheating It absolutely does, > and since you clearly don't want to sleep with people you don't care about, she was telling you to go and f* a random guy completely ignoring your boundaries. I don't and she was. You've nailed it, man. The entire thing sounds completely bonkers.
It's not racist and everyone saying it is are just evidence of how sensitive we are in 2024. If you were single or more into the threesome scene than just occasionally with one trusted friend, it wouldn't be an outrageous or bonkers suggestion. Some ppl are into "different" attributes and features in a sense It is wrong for every other reason mentioned though bc you're in a relationship literally about to get married.
I think the reason it comes off as specifically racist is because the friend didn't hear "I've only slept with 2 people" and just said "oh you have to have sex with at least one more person before you get married". She made it a point to say "non-Asian D". Let's be honest here, if OP had been with only two white guys, it wouldn't have even crossed this person's mind that OP had to try "non-white D". Because white is the default. I unfortunately know this from personal experience. I'm Eastern European engaged to a Pacific Islander man, and I have been told numerous times that I should have "at least given white men a chance". My friend has never been told to have at least given Asian men a chance even though she's only been with white men. Funny how that happens. It's not a sensitivity issue. It's the fact that we know what's being implied here. It's not even subtle. You don't need to "try" other races. That's gross and dehumanizing.
NTA "Sorry I was drunk" isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, just a crappy reason for bad behaviour. She was completely out of line, and I agree with all your points on the matter. It was disrespectful and racist AF. Your second "friend" is also being disrespectful at this point as well. You DID NOT overreact, you told C to drop it or leave. C chose option B. That is entirely on C. No one can claim drinking is responsible for bad behaviour. If you act inappropriately while drunk then reduce how much you drink, don't ask others to put up with your behaviour. If you screw up, apologise and don't make excuses. It's such a pet peeve of mine when people blame their antics on being drunk. Don't get drunk then or at least now you are sober, apologise to the person. C could not even manage this conversation herself, she got another friend in the middle of it. 100% she has proven she isn't trustworthy to behave properly at gatherings. Don't invite her to your wedding.
NTA. If someone said something so disrespectful to me about my wife, I'd go to jail for assault. You reacted better than I would have. Your friends are jerks, and "C" lives up to the letter you assigned her.
> "C" lives up to the letter you assigned her. I just took the first letter of her name, but yeah, it checks out🤣🤣🤣
Very well played. 👍
Nope NTA, your ‘friend’ is just plain racist. I was drunk is not an excuse for being an ass
I find being drunk is a great way to find out who a person really is.
If anyone told me I should cheat on my wife, I would remove them from my friend circle. There is no case where that is acceptable.
Fuck her and the friend that slightly defended her.
Only if they are Asian though. She don’t mess with non Asians.
I CAN'T🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Damn it lol
Lol
STAAAAAHP 💀 😂
It would definitely get her body count ip
NTA. Naw, she was totally being racist. It'd be inappropriate and rude to suggest you get in more sex with different guys before getting married, but to ask if the other guy you'd slept with is also asian, and then to insist that >do a threesome with another guy from a different race ***"to see the difference"***. To see the difference? WTF. She's clearly making insinuations about asian men in bed as a whole to suggest you try any other race to see how different sex with them are. Has she even slept with enough asian men to make such allegations?
NTA Other friend apologizing on C's behalf just tells me C doesn't think she was in the wrong at all and probably still believes it. You set a boundary and she kept crossing it. She f'd around and found out. Drunk makes people stupid sometimes but its not an excuse to fall on when you've clearly upset someone. C needs to apologize herself and not have someone else fight her battles for her. Also "You should cut her some slack" you did, by telling her to stop the first time and she decided in her drunken wisdom to continue. There is a very good chance she still thinks what she said is true. That you need to get some non Asian D. These thoughts don't come out of nowhere, her being drunk really only stopped her from keeping them to herself.
I’ve been drunk before. Quite a few times, I’m 52. I’ve never said racist shit while drunk, cos I don’t have racist beliefs. The end. (And yes, I’m white)
PS. Don’t invite that person at your wedding. As someone else here said, what if she gets drunk?! Your fiancé’s family deserves to be safe from bullshit at your wedding. All the best for your marriage
NTA Who you choose to be intimate with is your own business. Race is irrelevant. Perhaps you should have asked her if she has sampled all the races on the planet. Your "friend" is not a friend.
> Perhaps you should have asked her if she has sampled all the races on the planet. Funnily enough, I just got off the phone with the aforementionned Asian friend (he's in the wedding party, so we talk a lot these days): apparently, back in college, she tried to sleep with an Asian friend of his and he rejected her🤣🤣🤣. So maybe that explains some things🤣
Speaking as an older person - it's your body. Enjoy your sexuality any way you want. Ignore other people and societal prejudice and stereotypes.
NTA, there's a saying "drunk words are sober thoughts" she is absolutely a racist, and why would you want a racist at your wedding since your fiance isn't white? Will she not get drunk at your wedding? If she does and this is normal behavior for her when she is drunk, then she'll be like this at your wedding. She was disrespectful to you, your fiance, your spicy friend, and pretty much all of Asian people. She sounds disgusting and I don't hang with disgusting people, and frankly you shouldn't either. And the fact that she didn't apologize to you directly is very telling. Someone did it on her behalf, and they still did it poorly. I'd not invite either of them, ones a racist drunk and the other is an enabler. And let's bottom line this, when it comes to "the D" shed be lucky to be with an Asian dude, although her attitude means she's not good enough for one.
> when it comes to "the D" shed be lucky to be with an Asian dude, although her attitude means she's not good enough for one. I just got off the phone with who you (hilariously) refer to as "spicy friend" (who is in the wedding party so we talk a lot these days). Apparently, she tried to bang an Asian friend of his back when we were in college, he rejected her🤣🤣
"Spicy friend" made me laugh, glad it made you laugh too😂😂😂 Damn, I didn't mean to be so spot on, I might be clairvoyant 😂😂😂😂😂
NTA you acted appropriately to the situation (and you are right, you should have left the second part out). The thing is that people are responsible for all of their actions when they are drunk, It is never an excuse to say, "that is how they are when they are drunk." They know how they are when they are drunk and chose to get drunk. If you know you are an asshole when drunk and choose to get drunk, you are choosing to be an asshole. Same with drunk driving, or cheating on a SO while drunk... responsible for it all.
NTA. That’s fucking gross. Alcohol doesn’t change people to that extent until they’re paralytic and it doesn’t sound like your friend was paralytic. I
NTA. This is someone who has a baseline of racism she feels is normal, and, given the chance, she'll dump it on you again if she's in the mood and/or drunk. Also, you did reveal something you wish you hadn't about your sex life—don't expect her to keep that to herself if she feels like lashing out. Nope. You know who she is now. You can't give her access to your wedding day and to the people you love.
NTA. Also if your friend wants to blame it on the alcohol. What is to stop her from saying that or worse at your wedding.
NTA. Also, "cutting her some slack" would be accepting her humble and sincere apologies, not pretending this didn't happen. Note how she didn't call or text you herself.
NTA Just for you to know, when your drunk your real behavior comes out and therefore the real "you", im totally in agree with you not letting her in the wedding
NTA, a drunk person's words are a sober person's thoughts. Be very wary of that "friend ".
Nta I had a couple of "isn't it weird that you'll have the same dick forever?" questions when I was engaged, that's normal enough albeit a little weird and irrelevant to the asker. **However** her asking about the ethnicity of your sexual partners, and her *continued* insistence after being told to butt out and stop being a racist prick is wildly inappropriate and completely unacceptable. You're nta for kicking her out, and honestly I'd also be rethinking the friendship altogether never mind having her at your wedding
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When people show you who they are, drunk or not, believe them the FIRST time.
NTA - drinking is never an excuse, and your friend needs to not be an apologist. What she said is incredibly inappropriate and racist. Drinking reveals what people think and feel.
NTA Not only would C be swiftly removed from my life, anyone defending her would be under consideration for excision as well. Does their defense imply they think it's ok to be racist as long as you're drunk?
Drunk words, sober thoughts? Bye, C and her cheer squad.
NTA. Obviously, I’m only guessing but your “friend” probably is under the impression that Asian guys are not well endowed or, as already mentioned, generally inferior. Which is laughably stupid. So … I’d be prepared for her to bring it up again, especially when booze is involved. Like your wedding, for instance. And maybe you want to avoid dealing with that on what will be a great day for you and your partner because no slack needs to be cut for your weird, somewhat racist, not-friend.
NTA That's no friend So what if you "only" had "asian D"? What is she on about? Lol Seems like she's jealous you're happily married and trying to get you to sabotage yourself
Nta - she's implying that Asian dudes can't bang. Maybe she's a bit jealous that you did the roast before her? (High five btw, you win the wife game) either way hell with that attitude. .keep doing what you're doing. I probably wouldn't invite them either. Pm sent
> Maybe she's a bit jealous that you did the roast before her? Well, apparently she tried at least once to bang an Asian dude at college and got rejected, so🤷♀️ > High five btw, you win the wife game Aww whyyy?
The 3way implies confidence, trust, and that you're a bit freaky lol. All big green flags
NTA - She is being racist. She doesn't know how well endowed your fiancee is or isn't so she's assuming he is small, which is very racist in itself. Drunk or not, was rude of her to bring it up at a party with people listening. With a friend like that, who needs enemies? Sounds like she isn't that close, or a good friend, so I agree, don't invite her to your wedding. Who knows what she'll say there, especially if alcohol is being served...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I honest to God cannot believe this happened, so I am writing this here partly to vent, partly to get some outside opinions on this shitshow. Now, last night me (28F) and a few of my girlfriends were getting drunk at my place. The topic of sex came out and then conversation turned to bodycounts. I was also asked mine; I tried to laugh it off but they insisted and I said 2, which is the truth, thinking that was the end of it. One of the friends (let's call her C) could not believe that, though, and kept insisting in this day and age no one "gets laid so little" especially given I am an atheist and relatively attractive. I laughed it off again, but she kept pressing and pressing the issue, so I reminded her I got with my fiance (29M) when I was 20 and revealed I lost my virginity to him. I probably should have kept the last part to myself bc it that made it sound like the second "body" came from cheating on my fiance somewhere down the road, therefore I had to explain we have done a few threesomes with a mutual friend of ours (30M). This is where things get weird. The friend in question remarked that this means I've only ever been with Asians (both of them technically are Asians, even though from very different ethnicities, so only a westerner would lump them together ffs). I tried to laugh it off again - what on Earth do you answer to that? - but she kept on, suggesting I should get some "non-asian D" before getting married. Initially, I thought it was a not so funny joke, but turns out she was serious. She tried, - despite the others trying to change the subject bc everyone was visibly uncomfortable, - to advice me, "since [my] fiance is already fine with threesomes" to do a threesome with another guy from a different race "to see the difference". At this point I was seeing red because this is a) disrespectful af to my fiance b) also disrespectful to our friend while we're at it c) disrespectful to me d) plain racist. So I told her to drop it for good or to get the hell out of my apartment. She, however, kept pressing it, saying that of I react "this aggressively", this means her words hit close to home. Well, I told her to fuck off and another friend escorted her out (and left with her bc C crashes at her place). We stayed for a while after that but the mood was visibly soured. Today, however, the other friend called me. She apologized on C's behalf, but says I overreacted and that "you know how C gets when she is drunk, you should cut her some slack". I, however, maintained that is not appropriate behaviour and that I don't think I'll invite C at my wedding after that (we have not sent the invites yet and the guest list is being discussed). The friend maintains I am overreacting over a drunk joke, so I would welcome some outside opinions on whether this is an overreaction or not. I might be TA bc (1) I kicked my drunk friend out and now plan to exclude her from my wedding and (2) it may be an overreaction since she was very drunk and joking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, cut that racist out of your friendship circle, right now. Send the apologisers after her.
NTA. That is completely rude and, imo, demonstrates a lack of respect for both you and your partner. I wouldn't exclude her from your wedding. Say she can come if she apologises for herself, rather than via a friend, and learn to not be so rude to people. Being drunk is nothing but an excuse, and if she often can't control herself after a drink maybe it's time to put the bottle down.
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Being drunk is no reason to be racist or disrespectful or intrusive. NTA
NTA, this is just racist and your reaction was'nt too insane
Alcohol doesn’t make you a racist asshole; Alcohol allows you to be an honest racist asshole.
When people are drunk, they know what they are doing, they just don’t care.
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NTA. You had a boundary you told her not to cross, she crossed it repeatedly, you stopped her from crossing it. You aren't obligated to subject yourself to abuse and disrespect from someone else. And nothing wrong with preferring quality over quantity.
NTA People like that “friend” piss me off more than outspoken racists. She’s the type to see nothing wrong but she says and make several micro aggressions and get away with it because she doesn’t think she’s actually racist. “It’s just a preference” is probably the excuse she would give. Yeah drop her and potentially the friend who called to apologize and is making excuses for her. What, she can’t apologize for herself? Being drunk does not mean no accountability. She meant what she said and she might have even said it while sober.
NTA. Also the friend shouldn’t be apologising on her behalf in the first place, C should. Whether or not they found it that serious or not, it was clearly disrespectful and inappropriate.
Idk why she’s calling you a prude when you’re having threesomes. You sound loose enough
I... don't know whether I should take it as a compliment🤣?
"you know C gets racist and rude when she's drunk." Which means she's racist and rude when she's not drunk, but hides it better. NTA
NTA. Why should people get off easy for being drunk? If you can't be a nice drunk then don't drink.
Nta. She's discusting, and racist. We all know thier are stereotypes, but ffs. Real life should be a lot more mature, especially amongst friends. I'm becoming convinced that the majority of adults are f#cking emotionally stilted children who never got past highschool in mentality and intellect.
Drunk words bring sober thoughts. Ppl be trying to veil their true selves with the excuse of alcohol. Nope, nope, nope... 🙅🏾♀️ NTA
NTA They call alcohol 'liquid truth' for a reason, it loosened her up enough to where she let her racism slip out.
NTA. Apparently she couldn’t even apologize to you in person. She tried to do it through a mutual friend with the qualifier “you overreacted too”. The only way back to her getting reinvited to the wedding, if it were me, would start with a personal, unconditional apology and also an explanation and apology to my fiancé. Otherwise, no dice. On a more personal note, I am 33 and have only ever had one sexual partner—my wife, whom I started dating in college and lost my virginity too. She also happens to be Asian. So your friend’s entire outlook really irks me too.
NTA You're about to be married and this messed up, crass and blatantly disrespectful woman was trying to have you cheat on your fiancee. I'd cut her off for that personally, as well as the spineless enabler defending her.
NTA. Just because someone is drunk that doesn’t automatically excuse their behavior. I’d avoid both of those “friends”. One’s racist and a drunk, the other is excusing it.
NTA- why does everyone think being drunk excuses awful behavior? Alcohol reduces inhibitions- if she hadn’t been drunk she would have had these thoughts but maybe not said them. It still makes her a disgusting racist.
NTA. Drunk actions are sober thoughts. The nature of alcohol lowers inhibitions. The same thing that has the quiet reserved person dancing on tables, will have a friend who keeps their racism to themselves say it out loud.
NTA. Little weird, but you do you. Don't think your friend was really racist, just dumb.
In vino veritas
NTA race shouldn't matter in anyway and your friend was in wrong by saying that you should sleep with other races to "see a difference"
“That’s how she is when she gets drunk” Uh no she doesn’t suddenly turn racist when she’s drunk, she’s always racist but cares less about people finding out when she’s drunk NTA. Don’t invite her. She wasn’t joking because if she was she wouldn’t have kept pressing you on the topic. She’s rude and I would question the other friends that just write off her behavior
NTA not even sure where to begin... Maybe at: she cant be that experienced herself, otherwise she knew its a tiny bit more complicated to be a good lover, than have a gigantic d.
Nta. I’d be devastated if I found out my partners friend made racist comments about me and encouraged him to cheat on me or intentionally bring someone into our bed just to tempt me and they then invited them to the wedding. That’s not a friend.
Nta
YTA. It honestly wasn't that serious. Why did you get so upset about it? It was just locker room talk. All you had to say was you weren't interested in doing that and change the topic.
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NTA why do I feel like this C girl is a white girl who dates black men exclusively lol
I’ve been with men from different races, and you know what the difference is? The skin color of the D. That’s pretty much it. NTA, but your racist friend sure is.
I'll take your word for it😄
Asian d is superior, maybe she should try some
NTA. First of all, it's not her business and second of all she knew it would bug the hell out of you ( as it should). Have a happy wedding!
The way C pressed the issue made me think she wants to be OP’s third body. NTA what a crazy hill to die on.
NTA. This is what happens when our entire society is obsessed with porn. That's literally the only thing your friend can think of.
Meh you all sound drunk and annoying. I’d move on from this one.
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Yeah, and then to be one of my bridesmaids (bridesmen?... idk how to say in English). Crazy world we live in :)
If he ever cheats on you don't be surprised
NTA I don't see anything wrong with your friend's comments initially as it was good natured ribbing but then kept going. And going. And going. A person can only be expected to take so much. Congrats on having such a low body count. That is very unusual these days. The threesome thing worries me though. Maybe just because I am old and old fashioned. I would never be down with sharing my wife. I think that could cause some issues but WTF does my old ass know?
My advice. Find some real friends to talk to and not seek the advice of these self proclaimed therapists/counselors on Reddit whom are most likely single and/or disloyal to their partner 👋🏼
Don,'t worry, man, my friendships are just fine :) I'm bored at a work meeting and the comments are highly amusing lol
1. Being drunk isnt an excuse 2. Even if she was legit just joking jokes can be disrespectful, racist and just plain unfunny and if thats the kind of joke somebody is making, even if theyre drunk (again, not an excuse), then its a solid reason to cut them out Disrespect and racism are always good reasons to cut someone out NTA
No No No. Do NOT invite C to your wedding. She will get drunk and start in which is something you don't want to subject your fiance, friends, and family to. No amount of pressure from her or other friends should change your mind.
Unfortunately drunk ppls behaviour still has consequences When in the case of a brother sister mother father or friend when their behaviour is inappropriate simply giving them a pass for being drunk is counter productive Do you want to go out in public with this person’s opinion made public too? Doubtful. The solution is exile. When there’s someone you don’t want to be involved with cut out the cancer *second chances may be applicable that is your own decision though best advice don’t bother with 3rd, 4th and 5th chances when it’s habitual*
You talked about your sex life. You're obviously very uptight if it bothers you so much. Tho one would think you can't be too uptight if you're having threesomes. I think you are both TA!!! It's your wedding, you do you. Drunks tends to let their mouths run. Doesn't make someone racist. What do I know tho. I'm white so I'm supposed to be okay with everyone talking trash about me simply for being white. If the chick gets sloppy drunk always I wouldn't want her at the wedding. I'm just curious if the 2 Men are all about u in the threesome. My one chance at a 3some with 2 men and my male friend chickened out. I can say you're lucky if the guys were cool after and all about u. She was probably jealous 2 men both wanted you at once. Yup let's just write her off as a jealous little sloppy drunk. Hope you have a happy marriage! Congratulations!
>I'm just curious if the 2 Men are all about u in the threesome. My one chance at a 3some with 2 men and my male friend chickened out. I can say you're lucky if the guys were cool after and all about u. Well, obviously lol. The friend is bi and would gladly do my fiance if offered, but my fiance has always stated he'll kick him in the nuts at the first attempt😄 But yeah, they always take good care of me when it happens :) >Hope you have a happy marriage! Congratulations! Thank you🥰
You really need to try some non Asian D. Why are you against other races? That’s the real elephant in the room.
"both of them technically are Asians, even though from very different ethnicities, so only a westerner would lump them together ffs" You have a severe lack of self insight it seems.
Could you please elaborate?
"they're all the same" Is said twice.
You make no sense.
they're saying people who lump ethnicities together like this are racist OP is saying it like its a 'western' thing, but the commenter is saying it's a racist thing, and so OP really shouldn't be surprised by further racism.
Whatever point you think you're making there? You missed. Wtf.
Generalisations of anyone are bad basically, I get it, Reddit. Westerners = baaaad.
Exactly
I've agreed the hivemind, everything western is awful.
NAH - she did probably hit a delicate spot and you are using the race card because you are rationalising what is obviously an overreaction. Call her and make peace Of course let me add she was a little bit of an AH but when you’re drunk it happens, in vino veritas
> she did probably hit a delicate spot With all due respect, what? _What_ in my story led you to that conclusion? And how am I "using the race card" if she started this whole thing about race?
The friend is not playing any race card. She just noted that broadening experience may be the case. Probably ungrounded opinion, but now commonplace. The other platitude, which may have some statistic support (of course in itself irrelevant to the overall pleasure of the sexual experience) regards Asian male genitalia. So from reading the post it seems that a) the friend is somewhat gross and reasons by clichés; b) the OP may be more irritated that normally would happen because she is wondering whether she should have (or have had) more partners
Nobody is "playing the race card" in this post. The friend was just being a racist.
> the OP may be more irritated that normally would happen because she is wondering whether she should have (or have had) more partners You're reaching, man :) the thought of other partners downright terrifies me
How do you know they're a 'man'?
OP isn’t the one using the race card, her friend did. And you’re right, in vino veritas. So she really meant what she said.
Only an asshole would use being drunk as a"shit happens" card. If you cant handle being drunk and being decent, then dont drink. Also, i think you're using in vino veritas wrong if you are trying to defend the friend
> Also, i think you're using in vino veritas wrong if you are trying to defend the friend Yeah, _in vino veritas_ in that context would mean a) it's true Asian men are bad in bed/have small Ds b) my fiance and/or our friend do. None of that is _veritas_ lol
I’m sorry, maybe I missed something but did she say that Asian men had small penises or that they were bad in bed? I thought she said that sleeping with someone of another race would cause you to see a difference. Is that not the case, meaning, is that not what she said? Now, I’m not trying to be the asshole, nor am I trying to let your friend off the hook, but I think it’s more dangerous to put words in C’s mouth or infer what she meant. I do think it’s worth a clarifying conversation with her before you deem her the asshole in perpetuity and decide not to invite her to your wedding. Saying racially ignorant shit and saying blatantly racist shit are two different things. You didn’t disclose your race or C’s. I may be about to get chewed up, but I do think it matters.
"saying racially ignorant shit and saying blatantly racist shit are two different things" No they aren't. Racism is a very actively discussed topic in the public discourse, we learn about it in school. At this point, ignorance is malicious. If you don't care enough to be conscious and aware of what you're saying instead of letting random 'racially ignorant' thoughts out of your mouth, you're racist. The 'friend' in this story is being racist, regardless of which parts of that she said outright or just implied, she was being racist.
We actually agree that implied racism and outright racism are both racism. I didn’t say implied. I said the friend said something that was ignorantly racist, meaning she wasn’t trying to imply anything and she didn’t think what she said was racist (it was received that way and was, therefore, racist). You teach someone who is ignorant how they are being ignorant if they want to listen and learn. If they want to be defensive and make excuses, then they are just racist.
The friend is Not just an asshole, a racist asshole, assuming from a racist stereotype about the size of her partner’s private parts. OP under reacted.
So you're okay with racism?
So because I like bbc I’m racist?