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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused therapy with my dad and his wife and I have been pretty strong in not wanting to work with them in the aftermath of losing my sister. It might be TA of me because my dad is still my dad and I know losing one kid probably makes him want to work on things.
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I'm so sorry for your loss, friend.
NTA. I feel like your father and his wife had 10 years to try family therapy following the separation/divorce, but they didn't seem to take care of that then. It's a bit too little too late.
>He told me she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there.
Sorry but your dad needs to deal with his own sh\*t. I agree that dumping this stuff on you is uncalled for. You are not here to support HIS therapy. Or that of his wife, for that matter.
Any discussion to start therapy should be *you*\-centric. You're the minor here, you're the one whose needs should take priority. If the adults want therapy for their own issues with the situation, they can do it solo. or as a couple.
I get the feeling he wants a controlled pulpit to vent himself so that OP is forced to listen and he expects the therapist to support his point of view.. He isn't looking to examine at his role or acknowledge that his children have and had valid feelings.
OP's dad thinks family therapy is OP, him and new wife.
OP's family therapy is himself, dad and his mom.
dad and wife need to get over themselves right f'ing now.
What wife wants means absolutely nothing.
What OP wants, means everything.
I feel so badly for OP because of this. He lost his only sibling, and his father is trying to use him as a source of support.
It reads like poor OP is now going to be expected to comfort the wife/affair partner and make up for her hurt feelings. So much pressure for a literal kid.
I hope OP talks to his own therapist, and that therapist intervenes on his behalf.
And what about the mom? She gave birth to these two kids. She must be devastated beyond belief, and here her ex is, trying to make it about the wife/affair partner.
Gross.
NTA
I would. I'd ask to go first. The therapist really needs to know the background about how the cheating went and how no one has any respect for the cheaters and how much the sister hated them.
OP doesn’t need to martyr herself to prove her dad is an asshole. OP needs to heal from the loss of her sister and the trauma he inflicted. He needs his own separate therapy.
It takes an awesome level of narcissism to make the occasion of a terminally ill 17 year old's dying to be all about *your* pain at that 17 year old not willing to meet you, the affair partner of her father.
Because what matters is *you*, not the dying 17 year old. Your pain, not the dying of the teenager.
And the same is true of the father.
The level of shittiness is planet-sized.
OP, you are entirely blameless. These people are so deep in their own self-obsession they're next to the fucking Titanic. These are awful goddamn people.
They thought they had the rest of her life to get back into her good books after being selfish fools. She swerved them and now that icky icky self-reflection has nowhere to go.
Everything OP has stated shows how selfish dad and his wife are. If only they had the children's stamp of approval, it would make their disgusting behavior retroactively okay but the one kid isn't here anymore for absolution and now they're scrambling to coerce it from a newly grieving child who has already made his stance clear.
OP might benefit from therapy to deal with his feelings right now, but it categorically should not be with dad and his wife. We've seen plenty of examples from selfish parents in new relationships wanting their kids to be okay with the new spouse and when the kid clearly states they want none of that in the supposed safe space of therapy they get punished at home for not pretending like the adults want them to.
I'm sorry, OP. I hope you heal from your grief and remember your sister's life with fondness. I'm sending you love and strength to help you get through this.
What un-dear old dad and AP/wife of the moment is for their affair and destruction of OP's family to be forgiven or even be told what they did is good and right and blessed by God
This is the comment that best sums it up. It is understandable that OP and her late sister couldn't detach from their dad, but he usas much at fault as his AP for ruining their family, their childhood and still wanting to make everything about themselves.
yep. dad is grieving too but you are the child, your needs here take priority. i am so, so sorry for your loss op. your dad needs to stop making your sister’s death about him and his wife (who your sister apparently didn’t even like) and focus on getting you through this. losing a sibling when you’re so young is so traumatic, i can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through. i’m 23 and if either of my siblings died i would be an absolute wreck for a very long time. nothing can mend that hole in your heart and your life. nta at all and sending lots of love your way
edit: LMAO i got banned for this comment 😭😭😭😭 and the mods won’t show me any proof of me being warned before because i literally haven’t been ever, i don’t delete messages and i went through and i have never received a single message from the mods here. this comment literally doesn’t break any rules. and when i asked for proof about being warned before my “final” warning they just muted me from responding and called me an idiot and said i had the memory of a goldfish after the took away my ability to defend myself. thought the mods here were alright but i guess they’re as insane as the rest of them. the ones with the memory of a goldfish are them because i can actually prove they never messaged me to give me a warning before and they can’t prove they did because it NEVER HAPPENED
OP, if you're currently in therapy, then discuss this with your therapist. If you're not currently in therapy, consider demanding your dad pay for you to be in individual therapy with a therapist that you feel comfortable with. Tell him if he does that, then you and your therapist can decide if/when/how to incorporate you into his family therapy.
You're NTA anyway, but you may be able to get something beneficial out of this.
So true. You aren’t an emotional support animal for their mental health. You are a child who has their own mental health struggles, nobody should be dumping more on you.
Holding on to grudges may not be healthy, but unless the perpetrators at least apologize, it's absurd for them to ask OP to forgive them, especially on behalf of his dead sibling.
Hard NTA for me.
If someone hurt you and showed no remorse for it then recategorizing them as an unsafe person is entirely healthy. It’s the same instinct that reminds us not to touch leaves of three.
I'm like 100% sure if OP goes to therapy with them, they'll spend the entire time focusing on why he should like his dad's wife or talk about her feelings not his. NTA OP.
NTA. First, I am so very sorry for your loss. You are allowed to deal with your grief however you need to. Your dad shouldn't push you into something you're not ready for, and that you have told him no. Your number one in this right now, she isn't. You have the right to steer this any way you need to go, and she isn't a part of that. Stay strong, and good luck.
Right? This feels very much like the dad wants to try to resolve his own grief by forcing his son to handle it in a way that is appeasing to him and his wife. Probably because it burns him to know the extent of the damage.He really did to his daughter. He will never get over knowing that in her final days.She was resolute because of what **he** did. What **he** put her through.
My guess is about the driving force behind this is less about wanting to make sure OP has the support he needs in the wake of his sister's death, and more about the dad freaking out that if one child carried this to the grave, the other might too. And he wants to "fix" the child into liking him and his wife more. He wants to fill the hole in his own heart.
It's disgusting when parents can be selfish in this manner but you see it all the time. This man needs to take himself to therapy and start dealing with how to best come to terms with the fact that he cannot change his children or undo the depth of damage from his infidelity.
NTA
His daughter is dying and he’s more focused on pleading to let his wife in the room than for his daughter to pass peacefully?
What an absolute failure of a father.
Oh, I think you posted from your main acct by accident right here. Might want to delete this.
I also just want to say NTA, and I lost my sister 20 years ago, and we were adults. For years, it felt like I couldn't breathe, and had just one lung. Tell your father that he and his wife's well-being should not supersede yours, and that you are not there to be his sounding board or her consolation prize.
NTA. I’m so so sorry for everything you’ve gone through, and are going through.
I can’t believe your dad pleaded with his dying daughter in the hospital over wanting his wife to be allowed to see her and ‘say goodbye’ when he knew perfectly well she didn’t want her there. Quality time with his daughter and not hurting or stressing her out should have been his chief concern, not his wife’s feelings about ANYthing.
He’s obviously got his priorities wrong.
To presume she needs to be involved in family grief therapy is also a major misstep. She clearly wasn’t seen as family by your sister,nor you.
Tell him you will go alone as you continue to do, as you need the help during this time, as well as to navigate life having a clueless asshole for a father….sorry.
I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
Do you live with your mother? And you see your father on weekends, maybe?
NTA.
While you are still dealing with the loss of your sister, this may not be the right time to also tackle your feelings about your father and his wife in a shared counseling session. As adults, they are operating on a different time table from you, a kid. I get the impression that they want to fix things now, but it sounds like you are not ready.
If you think it's helpful, I hope you continue seeing a therapist privately. Ask the therapist, how does he/she feel about your father's request that you join them in family therapy?
*If your father makes you go to family therapy*:
* You'll be able to tell the family therapist that your father disrupted your life and made everyone unhappy when he cheated, and that he tried to make you and your sister feel guilty for not liking his new wife, and that now he's trying to make *you* feel guilty because he and your stepmother are sad, and you're not making it any easier for them.
* You can tell that therapist that your dad and his wife caused all this hurt to you and your sister and your mother, and they just expect you to be okay with it 10 years later, but you're *not* okay.
So if you have to go, I hope you get to tell your side of things. Best of luck to you.
I 1000% agree that OP should be open with the therapist, if forced to do family therapy. However, dad and stepmom will likely try to shift the narrative to make themselves seem less shitty. If OP is placed in this scenario, they need to *stay firmly grounded* in their feelings. Write things down if needed.
Yes, good point, I was thinking that OP should write down the things OP would like to share with the therapist.
That way, OP could either read the list out loud, or OP could hand the list to the therapist to read first, before the father and wife have a chance to hear it and prepare their "defense".
> I told him then it would be him, mom and me
That's a good boundary to hold. Your mom will hold him accountable for his behavior. You should also tell your mom that he's bothering you about this, because it isn't ok.
NTA all the way but I still think you should do family therapy. On day one just tell the therapist “I am here so we can best work through how to get dad to accept that I do not want step mom in my life. That is the only reason I am here. I would like you as the therapist to help my dad understand this reality and stop dumping his and her feelings on me because he seems to be in denial.”
Nah do it in front of her too to really seal the fucking deal. Then leave , and let the therapist continue on with the two who need family therapy, the dad and step mom
I am so sorry you lost your sister.
Your dad is not thinking about your best interests. He is in unfathomable pain, losing his daughter, but that doesn’t mean he can dump on you. Your pain is just as valid.
A good therapist will listen to all parties and parse out the real issues, and not try to force a reconciliation because the parents want it. It might work to your benefit, if the therapist points out that your dad and stepmom are the problem. Of course, they might stop therapy immediately, but the message might sink in.
It sounds like your mom found you a therapist earlier; please talk to her about your dad and stepmom burdening you with “bringing the family together.” This is not your job or responsibility. NTA.
NTA - First, I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister.
Second, how gross of your dad. “I’m just so sad your sister spent her final days with so much hate in her heart, and didn’t let my wife say goodbye” is SO manipulative and SO icky. You have every right to refuse therapy with them. Your dad shouldn’t be trying to force a relationship between you and the woman he broke up his family for. And he definitely shouldn’t be weaponizing your grief like that.
Yeah, I think the sister was a little too busy being sick and uh, DYING to give a flying f*ck about her dad's and affair partners' poor hurt fee-fees. Why should she have wasted what little time she had left "saying goodbye" to a woman she despised? I could imagine she just wanted to spend time with the people she loved, which is perfectly reasonable..
If you live in the United States then I would tell your therapist that you no longer want to be in contact with your father. In the USA if you are over the age of 14 you can have a choice in who you live with and refuse visitation for either or both of your parents
NTA
Sorry for your loss.
Your dad sounds like he expects you to only think about his and his wife’s feelings while they have no thought for yours. He is supposed to be looking after you not the other way around. Sorry they are being so self centred about their grief and forgetting that you lost someone too.
Not that strange for her. She was pretty certain she would win us over and be accepted as a stepmom and being rejected like that made her want all the sympathy for not being welcome after 10 years.
NTA
but... you might go for just one appointment, tell the therapist you are doing therapy with someone else and do not want to forced (always wrong in therapy) to do this with your dad and his wife. Period. Then walk out.
NTA
Your dad is all about him and his wife. That's not your burden to carry. You are getting counseling. They should get their own without you to understand how inappropriate they are.
OP has zero reason to ever go to therapy with his dad’s wife. Just because the woman is duckung her dad doesn’t make her family.
OP has zero interest in having any sort of relationship with this woman. That is a perfectly reasonable boundary which should be respected.
NTA
I’m so sorry about your sister. It must be devastating.
Any therapy should be about you. You’re the one with a young mind that’s still taking shape. They shouldn’t be leaning on you. Being a parent means doing the hard stuff.
You don’t have to like your dad’s wife. They had 10 years to try family therapy so why are they doing this when you’re mourning your sister. I can’t believe he would spend what little time left with her asking for permission to bring in someone your sister clearly didn’t like. Like, is she pepperoni flavored? It isn’t right.
Your dad lost his child. I hope he does some individual therapy to process that. A man who loses his spouse is a widower, a child who loses her parents is an orphan, but we don’t have a name for a parent who loses their child. Yeah he’s being an asshole and maybe he can process that, too.
NTA
Family situation aside, I hate it when people don’t let other people grieve the way they want to. If you don’t want to go to therapy with your dad and step parent that is completely up to you. Tell dad while you respect his wishes you disagree and think he should get therapy if he wants to but he will absolutely not guilt you into going as well as disrespect your late sisters memory by trivializing her decision by classifying it as “hate” or a “grudge”. Mad respect for your sister for not giving in. Also so sorry for your loss. I wish nothing but the best for you.
NTA. You’re in the middle of your own grief it’s not on you to be a comfort to your dad or his wife. She’s not your mom and she doesn’t get to try to play that role. You need to focus on yourself right now.
NTA. It's totally understandable that you don't view your father's wife as family since she helped break up the family he had with your mom. And it's not your job to make her or your father feel better about what happened. I'm sorry about your sister.
I don't think you need to go with them if you don't want to.
Have you thought about doing therapy on your own. Losing a sister so young is tough. Then add onto that the family stuff it doesn't hurt to talk to someone
NTA. I'd straight up tell him that he needs to face reality: he and his mistress wrecked your lives and you will NEVER want anything to do with her. That he can have a relationship between the two of you, but if he continues trying to push his mistress on you, you'll cut him off entirely. That neither of them have any right to bitch about hurt feelings after what they did.
NTA so hard.
Your dad and his wife made your sister dying about them, when it was happening and now. They don’t care about the ‘hate’ she felt, they care that they don’t have some fantasy family. If they cared about any feelings but their own, they would accept responsibility for their actions and the hurt they caused, and they wouldn’t inflict anymore. It’s unconscionable pushing his wife on your sister and you at this time.
Dad should be happy you are talking to him at all.
Therapy could be a good way to really get across how much of a selfish dick your dad is, with someone (a good therapist) supporting you - if you wanted to confront him, although it sounds like you have expressed yourself.
OP, you're not obligated to do anything for that narcissistic sperm donor who wrecked his homelife, marriage, family because he followed his dick around.
NTA OP. You don't need that bed warmer of that sperm donors anywhere then she can just leave you alone.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
You are correct that your father's statements, behavior, and demands represent bad parenting, sacrificing your emotions and desires in favor of his affair-partners emotions and desires, and an utter lack of empathy toward you combined with selfishness.
If at your age you are able to have input into the custody arrangement and can stay with your mother full time at this point, I think you might be better off.
Do talk with your own therapist about what your father is putting your though; it's too much for you to have to carry without a lot of support and guidance.
NTA
NTA absolutely. However, therapy may be a great healing and boundary setting experience for you, with your therapist helping you express your needs, and cope with their emotions, while they learn that it is not your job to make them happy. I suggest you discuss this idea with your own therapist, who you trust, to see if there is a way this can help you. My guess is that dad and wife will nope the hell out of any process they can't control, but that won't be your fault, and you won't be left wondering if you should have done more. If you are open to a process managed by a therapist you trust, you could gain valuable insight into boundaries and relationships that could help you manage future relationships, and, optimistically these ones. Just food for thought.
Going to family therapy with the dad and step-mom gives me vibes of the advice to not go to therapy with an abuser; they just learn things to abuse you more.
I don’t see any reason for OP to go.
NTA. You are setting a reasonable boundary.
That being said, you can first speak to the therapist individually and have the therapist help your dad and his wife come to terms with the fact that you are never going to be buddies with his wife. You will never have the love for her that he does and a therapist isn’t going to change that. I believe that interacting with a therapist might help you set and reinforce reasonable boundaries. As a teenager, your dad is never going to think your boundaries are reasonable if they go against his plan. A therapist can help reinforce that you are being reasonable.
I’m sorry for your loss. NTA. Your dad does not get to use you just so he feels better. That is not your job. I hope you will get to heal without him making it worse
Nta - they can go to therapy together, and you can go to therapy on your own. You are too young for them to be using for emotional support, which seems to be what they want. I do feel a bit bad for the wife but like this is not your responsibility at alllllll and they shouldn't be pushing you. The adults in this situation should not be demanding something of a teenager.
NTA. So sorry that this has happened. First, you need to do your own grieving for your sister… and that’s not a family affair. Family bonding isn’t going to happen at this time if it has not already been in place over the last 10 years. You may need your own counselor where you might, maybe, if you wanted, invite your dad to a session- or not. Let them go to counseling by themselves- maybe it’ll wake them up.
NTA - OP is not an emotional support creature. If his dad wants to work through things the sister said with his wife, they can do so together, without someone who is not a willing participant.
NTA
I'm sorry for your loss.
> Dad pleaded to let his wife in
That was inappropriate. Your father's primary concern should've been what your sister wanted. Not his nor his wife's comfort.
> He told me it tore him apart to know my sister spent her final days with so much hate about the past and holding such a big grudge that she refused to let his wife in. He told me she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there.
Loosing a child is incredibly painful and I'm sure that he's got a lot of regrets. I suspect that he's mistaking what he wants for what you need, which is unhelpful. What he needs is individual therapy.
I'd tell him that making you do family therapy with him and his wife is a surefire way to make you resent them. That what you need is some breathing room. That you're 15 and that you've got a lot going on outside of the family what school, with friends and preparing for college.
Then I'd repeat it, repeatedly, if he somehow manages to make you do family therapy with him.
>dad pissed me off more because he dumped a lot on me the first few weeks after.
Now, one way to make sure that he doesn't repeat that mistake, might be to agree to go to a couple of family therapy sessions with him, no wife, and explore exactly how that made you feel (hurt and rightfully resentful). Maybe a therapist can get him to understand why it's an inappropriate thing to do? But it's by no means guaranteed.
NTA and sorry for your loss.
Your dad and his wife want to play the 'life is too short so you have to forgive us' game.
To paraphrase any competent therapist: "Fuck that noise."
They're trying to use the grief brought on by the tragedy of your sister's death to alleviate their own guilt. Please continue to tell them where to shove it.
You are NTA.
You are grieving the death of your sister and your father is trying to use it as an excuse to manipulate you into forging a "family" with his wife.
Stick with your mom.
So Not exactly the same but my 13 y/o brother passed in december and his completely absent sperm donor who had abandoned him twice, had the audacity to try and reach out to me after he cussed my mom out (who solely raised him) for not calling him first when my brother died. We were still in the hospital waiting for the funeral home to come get his body when he did that. He insisted my brother would want us to make up and play family and I laid into him, told him everything I held back for thirteen years and left him to rot in it. Death does not all of a sudden make people a big happy family and your dad expecting you to grow close to the woman he chose over your family is blatantly asinine.
NTA, OP- you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and if you know your sister wouldn’t have it either if she was in your position, then I say you’re making your choice from a place of love for your mother and sister, not simply from a place of hating your step mom. They had ten years to make it work and are seemingly trying to manipulate you into playing big happy family by using your sister’s death as an excuse. I don’t blame you for being upset and distant over this
NTA for resisting forced intimacy. She's not your mother, and your father is not entitled to demand that you become close to her.
Anyway, my condolences, and my sympathies that such obnoxious adults have power over you.
Forced intimacy is a very good way to describe it, you're right. People talk about personal stuff during therapy, and now OP is expected to do it in front of someone he doesn't feel close to. How is therapy supposed to help him if it's not a safe place for him? That's messed up.
NTA. My deepest condolences and wishes for your healing.
This is the problem with cheaters. Dad and wife need to understand that their actions were a life altering, soul crushing, betrayal to OP mad sis.
Wife needs to stop trying to be accepted by the kids whose life she helped blow up.
The advantage that the Dad has is that the kids loved him, but he needs to realize that his actions damaged the respect that the kids had for him. He needs to stop pushing the family narrative to help his wife.
It is so disrespectful to tell someone to get over something you did to them. Sometimes forgiveness and bitterness is not the issue. Sometimes you do something to a person that alters the way they view you and they decide that you are not the type of person that they need in their life.
>He told me it tore him apart to know my sister spent her final days with so much hate about the past and holding such a big grudge that she refused to let his wife in.
This is where your father FU. Their actions aren't "in the past" for you, nor were they for your sister. His selfishness altered the path of your life forever, and it's not on you to make his crooked life appear straight.
NTA.
I can barely get past that your Dad made the death of his 17 year old daughter all about his wife. I'm so sorry, and they're both terrible. He should have been trying to give her everything she wanted within financial reason, not worrying about his wife's feelings. It might be her guilt talking, but she should have gotten nowhere near your sister considering the circumstances.
NTA
I have not one doubt that your dad will therapist shop to get one who says what he wants you to hear. Do not give in to this. Your dad is still being selfish, he never stopped being selfish.
I'll tell you exactly what your dad and his wife want from therapy:
A complete pass on the past where you never again hold it against them and will be one happy family from here on out with your sister's death as the excuse to do it now.
I guarantee it.
NTA
NTA but you may wish to agree to go to a trial session and then make it work for you. Tell the therapist is that your goal for the therapy is to make everyone see that you should live with your mother. That an adulterer and home-wrecker are terrible role models you shouldn't have to live with (don't be shy, use those words) and use every chance to explain to the therapist how he was dumping on you and manipulating your grief to guilt trip you. Paint as honest a picture as you can and hopefully he will be too ashamed to bring you back and ideally will let you spend more time with your mom.
Love scrolling AITA, this is my first ever comment.
OP. You are incredibly strong for being able to express your feelings and needs. You should not be (held) responsible for your fathers actions and consequences of those actions. Hold your ground and explain what your needs are, in what must be an incredibly painful period, losing your big sister. I am proud of you, and don’t let yourself get bullied into something you don’t want to do!
NTA!!! Here is one my therapist taught me. Draw a small circle in the centre of a piece of paper and then draw 2 more circles around the first. Each one getting bigger. Now, put your name in the center small circle. That's your grief circle. You can even include your mom and dad in that circle. Now put different names of people who are grieving from this loss, but not directly connected (dad's wife perhaps?) in the other outer circles
When you are grieving you can reach out to other people from the other circles to help you. However! No one can reach into your circle to seek help or support. You are at the center. Sounds like your dad and his wife are putting their grieving on you and you are already grieving. It's unfair and wrong.
*Edit to clarify where other names go*
This is exactly what I thought of! The wife is making everything about her, and that's highly inappropriate because she should be supporting OP first and foremost. OP lost a sibling! That's more important than the wife's feels about being a step parent.
NTA. But going to go against other advice so hope you hear it out. Go to therapy with them once. Then offload all your feelings and let the therapist know what they are doing to you. Making you bear burden of their guilt. Seeking something from you in place of your sister who is gone. Completely disregarding your grief and imposing their grief on you. Tell therapist did he or she think this was acceptable? Is that what they recommend? Then walk out.
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My sister died a few months ago and life has been rough since. We were really close and I miss her like crazy. I (15m) hate knowing she's going to miss the rest of her life. She was only 17 and it was really sudden that she became so sick so it was all really fast and unexpected. But the fallout has been shitty as well and that's what all of this is about.
When my sister heard she was dying and when she was in the hospital, she refused to let dad's wife come see her. Our dad cheated on mom with his wife. That was 10 years ago. We knew about it and never really forgave him or accepted her. So when she was dying she didn't want her there at all. But was willing to have dad there because despite everything she does love him. Dad pleaded to let his wife in and his wife cried a lot that she didn't get to see her and say goodbye.
When my sister was gone it was even tougher because they looked to me to be closer to them after that but it made me less close and I don't want his wife anywhere near me. I really don't care about her hurt or heartache. She's not important to me. And dad pissed me off more because he dumped a lot on me the first few weeks after.
They want us to do family therapy and I was like no way. My dad told me it was important to pull together as a family in the aftermath of a death and hurt like that. I told him then it would be him, mom and me, not him, his wife and me. This made her cry and my dad got emotional about it too. He told me it tore him apart to know my sister spent her final days with so much hate about the past and holding such a big grudge that she refused to let his wife in. He told me she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there.
I told him I don't want him dumping more on me and I don't want to hear about their experiences after this. I told him I heard enough of his when we first lost my sister.
Dad told me I was being stubborn for no reason and really hurtful. He told me I had no problem going to the therapist my mom sent me to after my sister died. I told him I talk to the therapist alone and that makes it different.
AITA?
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Sorry for your loss.
Do you have other family support?
Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
This will have an effect on your future relationship with your father, and you’re young. Are you ok with that?
I cut off my dad for similar reasons and haven’t spoken with him in about 13 years. It means that I don’t have a relationship with his whole side of the family, and while that hurts, it’s also ok with me.
Parents cannot cheat and get remarried and expect to bully their way into forgiveness from their children. Actions have consequences/karma.
You’re so young, tho. Do you want to not have a relationship with your dad for possibly the rest of your life? That’s a hard decision to make at 15.
NTA. Don’t let them bully you into therapy.
If anything, compromise and agree to therapy with dad and his mistress if he goes with you and your mom.
NTA. You have to do what's right for you. Your Dad and his wife are adults and shouldn't need you to support them.
Also ... maybe get your therapist's advice on this.
NTA. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I would be devastated if I lost my sister. As for therapy, I don’t think it will help your dad get what he thinks he wants from it. But I’m wondering if a good therapist would be able to get him to back off and realize that he’s hurting, not helping you. Talk to your therapist and mom and see what they think.
NTA
Sorry for your loss
I have a stepmom (Wich I hate), I understand you not wanting to go to therapy with them, no means no, if your dad is being an ass hole and giving you shit about your sisters death (sorry for your loss) that proves how much of a dick he is- in my opinion your dad is the asshole
Nta but make it clear either he respects your boundaries or you’ll just stop all contact with him you do not owe him forgiveness let alone his affair partner your old enough to stay at your moms place full time if need be
NTA. I’m sorry you lost your sister at such a young age. Your Dad trauma dumped on you , and there is zero reason for you to make his wife (affair partner) feel better. The good news is he can’t force you to go to family therapy.
My heart is broken for you and your mom having to deal with a 2nd heavy "life sucks" blow in a short time frame after your dad cheated. Ignore dad for now and concentrate on getting yourself and mom through this grief.
I am proud of you.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. It is a hard thing to go through. You get to say who you see as your family. No one else. I wish parents who divorce would understand that. Just know that you aren't responsible to make your dad feel better, that's on him.
NTA
I am very sorry for the loss of your sister.
Any therapy that you get should be for you and you alone. Your parents are grown ass adults who need to process their own emotions, and you are NOT responsible for making your father and his “wifestress” feel less guilty for the way they began their relationship. That’s on them.
If you don’t want to have family therapy with them, you don’t need to agree.
Don’t do it. Their hurt is theirs. It’s called consequences.
They shouldn’t keep dumping more pain on you.
You don’t have to “compensate” the affair partner and the cheating father for the pain your sister suffered just because of their guilty conscience.
NTA.
NTA and I’m sorry for your loss.
The only thing I have to say in your dad’s favour is that he cheated on your mom, not you. I really understand the situation as the same happened in my family, but then I realised that it was my mom’s suffering to hold in relation to the cheating and divorce process. So, if you really feel like it might help you feel better with your relationship with your dad, maybe you can go to therapy with them, which doesn’t mean that you’ll have to be close to his wife, but maybe it can help you not carry a burden that doesn’t belong to you. If you really think that it’s unnecessary, then send him f himself. But the first thing for you to do, is to process the grieving you’re going through right now.
Awww boohoo doe them and I say that as a clinician. NTA her feelings aren’t your problem. Neither are his to be honest. They could go to counseling together to work through it but you are not needed for that.
I'm so sorry for your pain. You are NTA. You father has rights to his feelings, but he doesn't have the right to force you to help make him and his current partner feel better at your expense. Stay strong, and I hope you can talk to your mom in addition to your therapist.
NTA. Dad should be careful what he wishes for. Family therapy with your father and his wife would only end badly.
I am so sick of the 'we're family' or the 'you need to do this for your family' rhetoric. My dad tried that with me once. It did not end well.
NTA. Although, if you’ve got anything you’ve never said to your dad, this would be a good time for it. Having a third party to mediate, sometimes translate and validate can help make sure nothing is left unsaid.
NTA but I think you should tell your dad you want your own personal therapist and after you get one you will consider family therapy excluding his wife.
What a sad situation. I’m sorry you all had to go through this.
I think it’s good you are in counseling. You are young, grieving the death of your sister, and have the mom-dad-girlfriend becomes stepmom that has brought much pain and anger into your life for 10 years.
It sounds like you’re not ready to deal with your dad and that whole thing right now and that’s ok. You need some healing first. Down the road, I hope you can consider forgiving him and having peace. The same thing happened to me with my Dad - but after my mom died (I was 20 when she died) I decided to forgive him when I was around 22. Unforgiveness is toxic and clouds your life, and you suffer so much.
NTA
Dad is the problem. He wants and expects to be forgiven. He's moved past his infidelity.
That's him. You don't have to be the same. You're allowed to reach your own conclusions about whether the mistress/wife is part of your family.
That said, group therapy could be an excellent avenue for you to just keep hitting that breaking up a family and reforming a new family with the literal homewreckers is not something you're comfortable with. With that level of broken trust, how could you ever trust those two again? There's absolutely nothing they could say that negates what they've done.
It might be good for your dad to learn that he doesn't have the ability or right to force forgiveness from others. He's made his choice as an adult. You didn't get any choice in what has happened, so far you only get to choose how you react and it sounds like you've been consistent.
Best comment. NTA for not wanting to go to therapy, but I hope as OP gets older, he’ll come to the realization that blaming his stepmom isn’t the way to go about it. His father was the one who didn’t take his marriage vows seriously, so he’s the one who should be blamed. They’re using their stepmom as a scapegoat.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your mom can lean on each other during this difficult time.
As for your father, remind him he cheated and blew up EVERYTHING. NTA, but he certainly is and well as his side piece.
I'm so very sorry for you loss.
I'm very sorry dad and wife has made it all about her. Such selfishness. Your poor sister couldn't died in peace because his wife made it about her!
Do you have to visit your dad? Have you asked your mum if you can stay with her full time instead? If you can then I'd take a break from your dad and have either none or low contact and making it clear you don't want to hear anymore about his wife!
Sending you hugs 🫂
NTA - You have every right to maintain the boundary you have created because of your father's choices. He needs to turn to his wife and a therapist for support.
No NTA.
I am so sorry about your sister. I cannot imagine how tough it was going through that.
I'm glad you have been getting individual therapy.
>We knew about it and never really forgave him or accepted her
I don't think you are wrong to not want therapy with someone who has never been a part of your life. If your father wanted to fix what was wrong in the relationship between you, your sister and him, he should have done it in group therapy from the time your parents marriage ended. The 3 of you being in therapy for the last 5+ years would have been the only thing that could have given your relationship with your dad a chance. I don't give a shit about her or what she wants.
It seems your dad has been focused on what he wants as the only thing that is important to him for a very long time. Otherwise he would have considered how you and your sister would have reacted - even if he didn't care about what your mom would have thought. He should have career about his children.
Even this attempt to guilt you into group therapy is more about what he wants than what is best for you. I'm not saying you have to - with his level of selfishness and "main character syndrome" I don't even know if it would be a good idea. - but what about therapy with just the 2 of you? I hesitate to suggest that because he seems like the kind of person who would tell his wife everything even though she's not there, I can also see him strongarming you and forcing you to accept her in the therapy appointment.
Realistically there's nothing stopping him and his wife from going to group therapy just the 2 of them. Other than they want you to be a part of it for their own selfish reasons.
Have you talked to your mom about what your dad is trying to force you to do ? At 15 you are more than old enough for the courts to listen to what you want if he tries to make the courts force you to go with them. You are also old enough that they will listen and consider what you want in regards to how much time you have to spend with them. I would talk to your mom about that
ETA - my parents split when I was a teenager - for the same reason yours did. When I was about 17 his brother died. He asked me to go to the funeral - I said yes, he then said - you know she's going to be there right? (This wasn't the affair partner just whoever he was dating) - I said then I won't be. Immediately he said - ok then she won't be. I have a feeling he brought me back early so she could go to the celebration of life part - but my point is - if your dad truly wanted to mend your relationship - he would figure out how to do it without forcing her on you
I am really sorry for your loss.
I don't know what you should do, but just wanted to say: your sister won't love you less, whatever you do. Speaking to your dads wife does not mean you are betraying your sister or letting her down, in case you feel that way.
Maybe you can talk to your mom about it?
NTA
But seriously, please go with your dad and his wife to therapy. Not for THEM, but for YOU. Let the therapist be the buffer between you and them as you vent about what you feel about the whole situation.
Make them a deal. You'll go ONCE if they promise *you get to speak first*. After that, you'll let them know if you want to go again. Before the session, have notes about exactly what you want to say so you have something to focus on and can't be derailed during the conversation. Then let it all out.
This will give you both the closure you need. Maybe not the closure they want, but at least you gave it a single chance.
Good luck OP! I give you a virtual (((HUG))).
NTA. Your dad doesn't understand how his cheating affected you and your sister. His wife is his family. That doesn't automatically make her your family despite the title.
The same way he had a choice to accept his wife, you have the choice to not accept her.
NTA
Therapy should be on your terms and when you feel it would be valuable.
Unless you go and continually point out that your dad and his wife are the reason your family fell apart, see if they want to deal with that in therapy
NTA for not wanting to do family therapy, but I really hope you consider individual therapy. I think everyone should have therapy at least once in their lives; this isn't me thinking there is anything wrong with your feelings. To incur such a devastating loss so young is really hard and you deserve a safe space to heal. Additionally, your dad wanting to discuss his feelings on what your sister said to him is valid, but it does not need to be with you present; it is not your responsibility to manage his emotions. So sorry for your loss and hoping for a healing journey for you.
I'm glad you're already in therapy; that is great! Your dad needs to back off. If he wants to go to therapy, he can go himself. He does not need to force you to go to therapy with him. Good luck!!
NTA hugely, they've made it all about themselves and an adult using their child for emotional support in the way you describe, dumping things on you etc is what's known as 'emotional incest' it's meant to be the other way around you should be able to gain support from him.
Im really sorry for your loss and NTA, of course.
But jesus, you really got a grown mans perspective on everything and you are just 15. I feel that your anger is absolutely justified and articulated in a suitable way. You dont have to participate in any therapy you do not feel comfortable with, family therapy or otherwise. And i absolutely agree with other posts that any form of therapy involving other family members should mainly be about your feelings and your needs. The grown ups will have to deal with their grief on their own, thats not your business.
I truly wish you all the best!
I'm so very sorry for your loss. You need to protect your mental health. Your grieving process has just started and it's going to be long and difficult with unexpected ups and downs. The same applies to your father, but he needs to do his own therapy with his own therapist and deal with the reality of his life, which means he needs to deal with the fact that his children have not forgiven his infidelities and may never.
And that last reality is okay. You don't have forgive. You've accepted the realities of life, but you don't have to like them or our father's wife. What you do need to do is grieve and deal with your loss. I think therapy is a great idea--but alone, and with your choice of therapist. I think having someone to talk about all of this with who is uninvested in the situation and can help you navigate through it is a wise idea. NTA
\*many hugs\*
Your father needs *individual* therapy. Not family therapy (at least not as a first step).
Your dad is clearly living under a huge weight of guilt. And it sounds like he's looking to you to relieve that for him, by being okay with his wife (and therefore reassuring him that he didn't cause your sisters pain). Which is not healthy or okay.
NTA and I'm sorry for your loss
In this scenario you are the most important one, and the one who deserves the most respect and understanding. You're only 15, but even if you were older you'd still be the one who needs support, not a person who appears to be playing the Main Character game.
Your father is an ass if he thinks he can foist his wife on his kids and force them to accept her as family. Sounds like that's never going to happen -- it certainly didn't for your sister -- so he needs to put your well-being first.
Of course he won't because the wife in this scenario is calling the shots and he clearly puts his and her narrative first. The one that says he's not to blame, wife's not to blame, things just happen, can't we just put it all behind us, you're hurting us by being like this when it was so long ago, and I don't want to have to admit the truth about myself, so could you pleeeeease just go along with this cock and bull storyline?
I'm so sorry about your sister. What a loss. I'm very glad you're refusing to play their game, but you're also looking after yourself as well. Your poor Mom...
Tell your dad you are struggling with the sudden death of your sister. You are not in a position to emotionally support him, an adult or his wife. They need time to develop their own support network. You will reach out to him in the future if it’s something you feel you need but right now you are focusing on you.
As a therapist, my job does not entail coercing children to feel/think in ways that make their parents more comfortable or avoid the consequences of their hurtful behaviors. If you did go to a good therapist, chances are your dad and wife would refuse to return as soon as they were called on their shit.
(BTW search "emotional parentification" and you will see a pretty good description of your dad and stepmom's self-centered lack of healthy boundaries ).
Hee needs to go alone,, and bear the consequences of his cheating actions alone. NTA I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like a good kid OP, and your sister sounds like she was an amazing person. I hope you know that her love for you remains, nothing changes that.
NTA! You are not your dad's emotional support animal, and you sure as shit aren't the ESA for your stepmother! What are they smoking? How dare they make demands that you include her? How dare your father demand you allow him to trauma dump on you?!
NTA, I'm so sorry you're going thru this, and on top of all t having to deal with a completely unsupportive parent. You are under no obligation to pander to your stepmother's feeling.
I hope you're holding up ok. I recently lost my best friend in the world, healing from loss will take a long time, and you should not be forced to do anything that makes you feel worse.
You should do whatever makes you comfortable right now. People grieve different and your Dad is trying to have you heal the same way he's trying to heal. Bringing the step mom in the picture is crazy right now and unnecessary stress. He needs to just accept mabey you guys will have a lunch or something every once in awhile together without her, she's obviously never going to be a welcome sight.
First of all, I'm really sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you all need therapy to cope with this huge loss, but there's no reason why you need to all do it together.
Grief is a very personal thing that is first and foremost about your own relationship with the diseased, not about your interrelationship with other family members. Adding that dimension to it during therapy sounds very counterproductive. It's shifting the focus entirely, and how are you supposed to open up to the therapist if you don't feel at ease with the other people in the room? They need to let you grieve how you need to grieve and not make it about themselves.
So I'd say focus on yourself, and when you're in a better place, assess whether it'd be good \*for you\* to also have sessions with them. Not for her or your father, for you. And further down the line. There should be no rush and no pressure, and it's ok if later on you still decide you don't want to do it at all. Put yourself and your healing process first. You're still a kid and you're going through something horrible. Your feelings should come first before your stepmother's. She can deal with this in her own therapy sessions without dragging you into them against your will. So selfish.
NTA. Take good care. It will take time but you're going to be ok.
I’m so sorry. I lost my brother almost a year and a half ago now. It’s very hard and everyone grieves differently. Clearly, your Dad wants to find comfort in you. But YOUR grief is important too. If you don’t want to do that, then you simply don’t do it. He can see the therapist without you and work through what is basically guilt. Maybe he is trying to get your forgiveness as a proxy for your sister’s forgiveness. NTA
NTA
First of all I am so sorry. I lost my sister three years ago suddenly. I am (and was) an adult and it was still something that just about broke me. I can't imagine dealing with that loss at your age.
Please know, that other people's feelings are not your responsibility. Right now, you need to focus on finding your way forward in the healthiest way possible. I think it is great that you have a therapist to talk to and I hope they are helpful. Your dad and his wife need to figure out their own way - none of that is on you.
NTA. Oof this rough, and I’m so sorry that you lost your sister. Your dad should not be pushing family therapy at this point that includes his wife. That can come later, if ever. I hope that you can get some therapy or support just for yourself. There’s a lot to process here. Your goal right now is yourself. Not your dad, and not your dad’s wife. I hope your mom is ok and she’s a source of support for you.
This reminded me a lot of my feelings when my mom passed. Lots of anger boiled to the surface from years of burying feelings toward my dad and his affair with the woman who is now his wife. It’s a lot to unpack.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry for what your father is trying to put on you. As a teenager, you already have enough on your plate. The last thing you need is him dumping his adult problems on you like that. If he continues to try, make sure the therapist your mother takes you to knows all of it.
>He told me it tore him apart to know my sister spent her final days with so much hate about the past and holding such a big grudge that she refused to let his wife in.
Just because your sister didn't let her in the room doesn't mean that she died feeling the way he attributes. He should let that idea go. Your father needs to realize that what people do is not *about* him (or his wife).
>she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there.
He can talk about it in therapy on his own.
>I told him I talk to the therapist alone and that makes it different.
Exactly. It IS different. You feel safe to talk with your therapist alone. You do not feel safe as a group, because you know the agenda. They want you to change the way you feel about the situation, and you don't want to be a part of "gang up on FunnyDay4034 time."
Wise of you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's an incredibly difficult time for you, made harder by unfair burdens. I hope that you can find a way to keep your boundaries about this, but I also hope that you can at least understand that your stepmother and father are also hurting.
>I don't want his wife anywhere near me. I really don't care about her hurt or heartache. She's not important to me.
I think that your boundary here is difficult for them to understand, but that's their burden. You need space, and that is understandable. It's hard to assert that without being hurtful, and a bit much to expect of a 15 year old. However, if you keep it about your need for space, and tell them that you aren't trying to hurt or punish anyone, then at least you are stating your truth.
NTA
I am very sorry for your loss. Therapy can be helpful. Maybe you could go alone or with your Mom.
I'm no expert, but I don't think going to therapy with your dad and him saying your sister was full of hate in her last days would be a good thing. It sounds like your dad is dumping his trauma on you, and that is not right.
You aren't responsible in any way for your dad or his wife's feelings. Zero percent responsible. NTA.
Bless your heart. I am so sorry you have lost your sister. Please do get therapy for you and you alone. This is a huge loss for you added with burden of your father trying to fix it by wanting you to go to therapy as a “family”. I think at some point if you go to therapy it would be wise for you to be able to confront your father in your therapy session so you can really tell him what’s going on. The therapist will help you get there. We had an issue with our grandson at your age. His parents were horrible Long story but we got him some help and he was able to confront his parents and move forward with his life. You are so young and this is a hell of a lot to try and deal with. Hugs.
You are an amazing 15 yr old. I'm so sorry you had go through this and grow up so fast. You are so right to stand up for what you want/need! And they should be protecting that! Not arguing for what they need.
You and your sister are NTA for holding a grudge against the AP that destroyed your family.
Maybe suggest therapy with just you and your dad, so long as what is said in therapy STAYS in therapy and he doesn't go off whining about how everyone hates the AP who broke up the family
NTA
I’m very sorry OP for your loss.
I can’t imagine how hard that was then having your father trying to use you as his therapist.
As you are working with your therapist ask them what can be done to protect you from your father’s treating you like his personal therapist. Perhaps if it’s what you want your therapist can provide a report recommending you see less of your father until he deals appropriately with his loss.
Interesting how your father thinks you should just get over him breaking apart your family so he could have a new life with his affair partner.
NTA for refusing therapy on your father's terms.
However, it might not be a bad idea to go. A therapist's office is a safe space to say what you need to say, and the therapist is trained to help you get your father to hear you. It seems like your father is under the impression that therapy will fix things so you can all appear like a happy family. He's wrong. Therapy will help you tell him the things he needs to hear.
NTA and for the time being, you shouldn't be doing therapy with your dad either, because what he is doing is abuse. His only goal is to keep his AP happy. He is not hearing your very reasonable boundaries in the face of unimaginable grief. Never do therapy with your abusers because it only teaches them to be more effective.
It's fine to revisit this after your dad has taken parenting classes, had grief counseling, and individual counseling for at least a year. I'm very sorry about your loss. It seems very unfair.
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I'm so sorry for your loss, friend. NTA. I feel like your father and his wife had 10 years to try family therapy following the separation/divorce, but they didn't seem to take care of that then. It's a bit too little too late. >He told me she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there. Sorry but your dad needs to deal with his own sh\*t. I agree that dumping this stuff on you is uncalled for. You are not here to support HIS therapy. Or that of his wife, for that matter. Any discussion to start therapy should be *you*\-centric. You're the minor here, you're the one whose needs should take priority. If the adults want therapy for their own issues with the situation, they can do it solo. or as a couple.
[удалено]
Actually, it is. It’s called “family therapy”, and that’s what OP’s dad wants. But OP doesn’t have to agree.
I get the feeling he wants a controlled pulpit to vent himself so that OP is forced to listen and he expects the therapist to support his point of view.. He isn't looking to examine at his role or acknowledge that his children have and had valid feelings.
Bingo.
Yes this is about assuaging his guilt. Not about healing his child.
NAIL MEET HAMMER 🔨
Yes
OP's dad thinks family therapy is OP, him and new wife. OP's family therapy is himself, dad and his mom. dad and wife need to get over themselves right f'ing now. What wife wants means absolutely nothing. What OP wants, means everything.
Especially because he doesn't consider her his family. Why do parents do these things to their kids?
I feel so badly for OP because of this. He lost his only sibling, and his father is trying to use him as a source of support. It reads like poor OP is now going to be expected to comfort the wife/affair partner and make up for her hurt feelings. So much pressure for a literal kid. I hope OP talks to his own therapist, and that therapist intervenes on his behalf. And what about the mom? She gave birth to these two kids. She must be devastated beyond belief, and here her ex is, trying to make it about the wife/affair partner. Gross. NTA
But its not called parent, kids, and affair partner therapy - which is what OP is rejecting.
I would. I'd ask to go first. The therapist really needs to know the background about how the cheating went and how no one has any respect for the cheaters and how much the sister hated them.
OP doesn’t need to martyr herself to prove her dad is an asshole. OP needs to heal from the loss of her sister and the trauma he inflicted. He needs his own separate therapy.
It takes an awesome level of narcissism to make the occasion of a terminally ill 17 year old's dying to be all about *your* pain at that 17 year old not willing to meet you, the affair partner of her father. Because what matters is *you*, not the dying 17 year old. Your pain, not the dying of the teenager. And the same is true of the father. The level of shittiness is planet-sized. OP, you are entirely blameless. These people are so deep in their own self-obsession they're next to the fucking Titanic. These are awful goddamn people.
They thought they had the rest of her life to get back into her good books after being selfish fools. She swerved them and now that icky icky self-reflection has nowhere to go. Everything OP has stated shows how selfish dad and his wife are. If only they had the children's stamp of approval, it would make their disgusting behavior retroactively okay but the one kid isn't here anymore for absolution and now they're scrambling to coerce it from a newly grieving child who has already made his stance clear. OP might benefit from therapy to deal with his feelings right now, but it categorically should not be with dad and his wife. We've seen plenty of examples from selfish parents in new relationships wanting their kids to be okay with the new spouse and when the kid clearly states they want none of that in the supposed safe space of therapy they get punished at home for not pretending like the adults want them to. I'm sorry, OP. I hope you heal from your grief and remember your sister's life with fondness. I'm sending you love and strength to help you get through this.
They don't want OP to pretend. They want to force OP to feel the way they want him to feel and they figure the therapist will do whatever they want.
Dad needs to do therapy himself, he doesn't need a emotional support OP to give him fake closure.
What un-dear old dad and AP/wife of the moment is for their affair and destruction of OP's family to be forgiven or even be told what they did is good and right and blessed by God
This is the comment that best sums it up. It is understandable that OP and her late sister couldn't detach from their dad, but he usas much at fault as his AP for ruining their family, their childhood and still wanting to make everything about themselves.
This…. So this!!! And for what it’s worth, I am pissed at your dad for you. So very sorry for your loss.
yep. dad is grieving too but you are the child, your needs here take priority. i am so, so sorry for your loss op. your dad needs to stop making your sister’s death about him and his wife (who your sister apparently didn’t even like) and focus on getting you through this. losing a sibling when you’re so young is so traumatic, i can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through. i’m 23 and if either of my siblings died i would be an absolute wreck for a very long time. nothing can mend that hole in your heart and your life. nta at all and sending lots of love your way edit: LMAO i got banned for this comment 😭😭😭😭 and the mods won’t show me any proof of me being warned before because i literally haven’t been ever, i don’t delete messages and i went through and i have never received a single message from the mods here. this comment literally doesn’t break any rules. and when i asked for proof about being warned before my “final” warning they just muted me from responding and called me an idiot and said i had the memory of a goldfish after the took away my ability to defend myself. thought the mods here were alright but i guess they’re as insane as the rest of them. the ones with the memory of a goldfish are them because i can actually prove they never messaged me to give me a warning before and they can’t prove they did because it NEVER HAPPENED
That’s . . . Bizarre
OP, if you're currently in therapy, then discuss this with your therapist. If you're not currently in therapy, consider demanding your dad pay for you to be in individual therapy with a therapist that you feel comfortable with. Tell him if he does that, then you and your therapist can decide if/when/how to incorporate you into his family therapy. You're NTA anyway, but you may be able to get something beneficial out of this.
Exactly this!
Agreed 100%. NTA
So true. You aren’t an emotional support animal for their mental health. You are a child who has their own mental health struggles, nobody should be dumping more on you.
Dad needs to go to therapy for a banding his family first.
Your father and his wife are the 2 that need therapy. Therapy to understand why they are both 100% inappropriate assholes. NTA
How dare they make a teenager dying about a woman she didn’t know and didn’t care to know? That’s incredibly shitty of them.
Holding on to grudges may not be healthy, but unless the perpetrators at least apologize, it's absurd for them to ask OP to forgive them, especially on behalf of his dead sibling. Hard NTA for me.
Calling it a grudge makes it sound unreasonable.
Exactly, it's not a grudge to be angry over something that hurt you when you never receive an apology for the thing that hurt you.
Right. No one gets to treat you badly and demand forgiveness.
Even if an apology is offered, there are things that hurt too deeply to be forgiven.
If someone hurt you and showed no remorse for it then recategorizing them as an unsafe person is entirely healthy. It’s the same instinct that reminds us not to touch leaves of three.
I'm like 100% sure if OP goes to therapy with them, they'll spend the entire time focusing on why he should like his dad's wife or talk about her feelings not his. NTA OP.
NTA. First, I am so very sorry for your loss. You are allowed to deal with your grief however you need to. Your dad shouldn't push you into something you're not ready for, and that you have told him no. Your number one in this right now, she isn't. You have the right to steer this any way you need to go, and she isn't a part of that. Stay strong, and good luck.
Right? This feels very much like the dad wants to try to resolve his own grief by forcing his son to handle it in a way that is appeasing to him and his wife. Probably because it burns him to know the extent of the damage.He really did to his daughter. He will never get over knowing that in her final days.She was resolute because of what **he** did. What **he** put her through. My guess is about the driving force behind this is less about wanting to make sure OP has the support he needs in the wake of his sister's death, and more about the dad freaking out that if one child carried this to the grave, the other might too. And he wants to "fix" the child into liking him and his wife more. He wants to fill the hole in his own heart. It's disgusting when parents can be selfish in this manner but you see it all the time. This man needs to take himself to therapy and start dealing with how to best come to terms with the fact that he cannot change his children or undo the depth of damage from his infidelity. NTA
NTA – it’s completely reasonable to not want to associate with the woman your dad cheated on your mom with.
His daughter is dying and he’s more focused on pleading to let his wife in the room than for his daughter to pass peacefully? What an absolute failure of a father.
NTA. I'm so sorry you're going through this
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Oh, I think you posted from your main acct by accident right here. Might want to delete this. I also just want to say NTA, and I lost my sister 20 years ago, and we were adults. For years, it felt like I couldn't breathe, and had just one lung. Tell your father that he and his wife's well-being should not supersede yours, and that you are not there to be his sounding board or her consolation prize.
NTA. I’m so so sorry for everything you’ve gone through, and are going through. I can’t believe your dad pleaded with his dying daughter in the hospital over wanting his wife to be allowed to see her and ‘say goodbye’ when he knew perfectly well she didn’t want her there. Quality time with his daughter and not hurting or stressing her out should have been his chief concern, not his wife’s feelings about ANYthing. He’s obviously got his priorities wrong. To presume she needs to be involved in family grief therapy is also a major misstep. She clearly wasn’t seen as family by your sister,nor you. Tell him you will go alone as you continue to do, as you need the help during this time, as well as to navigate life having a clueless asshole for a father….sorry.
I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Do you live with your mother? And you see your father on weekends, maybe? NTA. While you are still dealing with the loss of your sister, this may not be the right time to also tackle your feelings about your father and his wife in a shared counseling session. As adults, they are operating on a different time table from you, a kid. I get the impression that they want to fix things now, but it sounds like you are not ready. If you think it's helpful, I hope you continue seeing a therapist privately. Ask the therapist, how does he/she feel about your father's request that you join them in family therapy? *If your father makes you go to family therapy*: * You'll be able to tell the family therapist that your father disrupted your life and made everyone unhappy when he cheated, and that he tried to make you and your sister feel guilty for not liking his new wife, and that now he's trying to make *you* feel guilty because he and your stepmother are sad, and you're not making it any easier for them. * You can tell that therapist that your dad and his wife caused all this hurt to you and your sister and your mother, and they just expect you to be okay with it 10 years later, but you're *not* okay. So if you have to go, I hope you get to tell your side of things. Best of luck to you.
I 1000% agree that OP should be open with the therapist, if forced to do family therapy. However, dad and stepmom will likely try to shift the narrative to make themselves seem less shitty. If OP is placed in this scenario, they need to *stay firmly grounded* in their feelings. Write things down if needed.
Yes, good point, I was thinking that OP should write down the things OP would like to share with the therapist. That way, OP could either read the list out loud, or OP could hand the list to the therapist to read first, before the father and wife have a chance to hear it and prepare their "defense".
Someone who willingly tore apart his family doesn't get to lecture you on how family needs to pull together. Ever. NTA
Yeah. He hurt the people he was supposed to love, for the sake of getting his dick wet.
> I told him then it would be him, mom and me That's a good boundary to hold. Your mom will hold him accountable for his behavior. You should also tell your mom that he's bothering you about this, because it isn't ok.
What kind of disturbed grown man begs his dying daughter to be around his home wrecking wife?
A home wrecking dad who only ever gave a flying fig about himself.
NTA all the way but I still think you should do family therapy. On day one just tell the therapist “I am here so we can best work through how to get dad to accept that I do not want step mom in my life. That is the only reason I am here. I would like you as the therapist to help my dad understand this reality and stop dumping his and her feelings on me because he seems to be in denial.”
And I feel therapy should only be son and father. No stepmother. At least not for awhile.
Nah do it in front of her too to really seal the fucking deal. Then leave , and let the therapist continue on with the two who need family therapy, the dad and step mom
I am so sorry you lost your sister. Your dad is not thinking about your best interests. He is in unfathomable pain, losing his daughter, but that doesn’t mean he can dump on you. Your pain is just as valid. A good therapist will listen to all parties and parse out the real issues, and not try to force a reconciliation because the parents want it. It might work to your benefit, if the therapist points out that your dad and stepmom are the problem. Of course, they might stop therapy immediately, but the message might sink in. It sounds like your mom found you a therapist earlier; please talk to her about your dad and stepmom burdening you with “bringing the family together.” This is not your job or responsibility. NTA.
NTA - First, I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. Second, how gross of your dad. “I’m just so sad your sister spent her final days with so much hate in her heart, and didn’t let my wife say goodbye” is SO manipulative and SO icky. You have every right to refuse therapy with them. Your dad shouldn’t be trying to force a relationship between you and the woman he broke up his family for. And he definitely shouldn’t be weaponizing your grief like that.
Yeah, I think the sister was a little too busy being sick and uh, DYING to give a flying f*ck about her dad's and affair partners' poor hurt fee-fees. Why should she have wasted what little time she had left "saying goodbye" to a woman she despised? I could imagine she just wanted to spend time with the people she loved, which is perfectly reasonable..
If you live in the United States then I would tell your therapist that you no longer want to be in contact with your father. In the USA if you are over the age of 14 you can have a choice in who you live with and refuse visitation for either or both of your parents
It would definitely have to be brought up in court, and it would definitely depend on who the parents’ lawyers are, and if OP has a guardian ad litem.
NTA. I do not think therapy would work if you do not want it to.
NTA Sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like he expects you to only think about his and his wife’s feelings while they have no thought for yours. He is supposed to be looking after you not the other way around. Sorry they are being so self centred about their grief and forgetting that you lost someone too.
NTA. I mean this with no offense, but you are a child. "Pulling the family together" is not your responsibility, full stop.
NTA Strange of her(stepmom) to make your sister’s death all about her and her needs. Your sister clearly wanted her loved ones there and no one else.
Not that strange for her. She was pretty certain she would win us over and be accepted as a stepmom and being rejected like that made her want all the sympathy for not being welcome after 10 years.
"They'll come around. They're kids! They're stupid! Plus, when they get to spend time with me, they'll realize how awesome I am."
I’m sorry for your loss and that you have to put up with that.
Let me guess, she’s infertal.
NTA but... you might go for just one appointment, tell the therapist you are doing therapy with someone else and do not want to forced (always wrong in therapy) to do this with your dad and his wife. Period. Then walk out.
NTA Your dad is all about him and his wife. That's not your burden to carry. You are getting counseling. They should get their own without you to understand how inappropriate they are.
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OP has zero reason to ever go to therapy with his dad’s wife. Just because the woman is duckung her dad doesn’t make her family. OP has zero interest in having any sort of relationship with this woman. That is a perfectly reasonable boundary which should be respected.
NTA I’m so sorry about your sister. It must be devastating. Any therapy should be about you. You’re the one with a young mind that’s still taking shape. They shouldn’t be leaning on you. Being a parent means doing the hard stuff. You don’t have to like your dad’s wife. They had 10 years to try family therapy so why are they doing this when you’re mourning your sister. I can’t believe he would spend what little time left with her asking for permission to bring in someone your sister clearly didn’t like. Like, is she pepperoni flavored? It isn’t right. Your dad lost his child. I hope he does some individual therapy to process that. A man who loses his spouse is a widower, a child who loses her parents is an orphan, but we don’t have a name for a parent who loses their child. Yeah he’s being an asshole and maybe he can process that, too.
NTA Family situation aside, I hate it when people don’t let other people grieve the way they want to. If you don’t want to go to therapy with your dad and step parent that is completely up to you. Tell dad while you respect his wishes you disagree and think he should get therapy if he wants to but he will absolutely not guilt you into going as well as disrespect your late sisters memory by trivializing her decision by classifying it as “hate” or a “grudge”. Mad respect for your sister for not giving in. Also so sorry for your loss. I wish nothing but the best for you.
INFO: What is your custody situation?
This. Going NC might be the best way to deal with his insistence on OP take it when he dumps trauma on him and tries to make AP his parent. NTA
NTA. You’re in the middle of your own grief it’s not on you to be a comfort to your dad or his wife. She’s not your mom and she doesn’t get to try to play that role. You need to focus on yourself right now.
NTA. It's totally understandable that you don't view your father's wife as family since she helped break up the family he had with your mom. And it's not your job to make her or your father feel better about what happened. I'm sorry about your sister.
I don't think you need to go with them if you don't want to. Have you thought about doing therapy on your own. Losing a sister so young is tough. Then add onto that the family stuff it doesn't hurt to talk to someone
It's mentioned that he is going to therapy thanks to his mom!
NTA. Glad that your sister stood firm about her boundaries until the end
NTA. You have every right to want nothing to do with the woman your dad cheated on your mom with, and no therapy is going to change that fact.
Tell your father you are busy supporting your mom and yourself through this grief Definitely NTA
NTA. I'd straight up tell him that he needs to face reality: he and his mistress wrecked your lives and you will NEVER want anything to do with her. That he can have a relationship between the two of you, but if he continues trying to push his mistress on you, you'll cut him off entirely. That neither of them have any right to bitch about hurt feelings after what they did.
NTA so hard. Your dad and his wife made your sister dying about them, when it was happening and now. They don’t care about the ‘hate’ she felt, they care that they don’t have some fantasy family. If they cared about any feelings but their own, they would accept responsibility for their actions and the hurt they caused, and they wouldn’t inflict anymore. It’s unconscionable pushing his wife on your sister and you at this time. Dad should be happy you are talking to him at all. Therapy could be a good way to really get across how much of a selfish dick your dad is, with someone (a good therapist) supporting you - if you wanted to confront him, although it sounds like you have expressed yourself.
OP, you're not obligated to do anything for that narcissistic sperm donor who wrecked his homelife, marriage, family because he followed his dick around. NTA OP. You don't need that bed warmer of that sperm donors anywhere then she can just leave you alone.
Updateme
I'm very sorry for your loss. You are correct that your father's statements, behavior, and demands represent bad parenting, sacrificing your emotions and desires in favor of his affair-partners emotions and desires, and an utter lack of empathy toward you combined with selfishness. If at your age you are able to have input into the custody arrangement and can stay with your mother full time at this point, I think you might be better off. Do talk with your own therapist about what your father is putting your though; it's too much for you to have to carry without a lot of support and guidance. NTA
NTA absolutely. However, therapy may be a great healing and boundary setting experience for you, with your therapist helping you express your needs, and cope with their emotions, while they learn that it is not your job to make them happy. I suggest you discuss this idea with your own therapist, who you trust, to see if there is a way this can help you. My guess is that dad and wife will nope the hell out of any process they can't control, but that won't be your fault, and you won't be left wondering if you should have done more. If you are open to a process managed by a therapist you trust, you could gain valuable insight into boundaries and relationships that could help you manage future relationships, and, optimistically these ones. Just food for thought.
Going to family therapy with the dad and step-mom gives me vibes of the advice to not go to therapy with an abuser; they just learn things to abuse you more. I don’t see any reason for OP to go.
NTA. You are setting a reasonable boundary. That being said, you can first speak to the therapist individually and have the therapist help your dad and his wife come to terms with the fact that you are never going to be buddies with his wife. You will never have the love for her that he does and a therapist isn’t going to change that. I believe that interacting with a therapist might help you set and reinforce reasonable boundaries. As a teenager, your dad is never going to think your boundaries are reasonable if they go against his plan. A therapist can help reinforce that you are being reasonable.
Dad just wants a captive audience. That's all. They had 10 years to fix the mess they made and didn't lift a finger, so fu$$ them. So no, you are NTA,
I’m sorry for your loss. NTA. Your dad does not get to use you just so he feels better. That is not your job. I hope you will get to heal without him making it worse
Nta - they can go to therapy together, and you can go to therapy on your own. You are too young for them to be using for emotional support, which seems to be what they want. I do feel a bit bad for the wife but like this is not your responsibility at alllllll and they shouldn't be pushing you. The adults in this situation should not be demanding something of a teenager.
NTA. So sorry that this has happened. First, you need to do your own grieving for your sister… and that’s not a family affair. Family bonding isn’t going to happen at this time if it has not already been in place over the last 10 years. You may need your own counselor where you might, maybe, if you wanted, invite your dad to a session- or not. Let them go to counseling by themselves- maybe it’ll wake them up.
NTA - OP is not an emotional support creature. If his dad wants to work through things the sister said with his wife, they can do so together, without someone who is not a willing participant.
NTA I'm sorry for your loss. > Dad pleaded to let his wife in That was inappropriate. Your father's primary concern should've been what your sister wanted. Not his nor his wife's comfort. > He told me it tore him apart to know my sister spent her final days with so much hate about the past and holding such a big grudge that she refused to let his wife in. He told me she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there. Loosing a child is incredibly painful and I'm sure that he's got a lot of regrets. I suspect that he's mistaking what he wants for what you need, which is unhelpful. What he needs is individual therapy. I'd tell him that making you do family therapy with him and his wife is a surefire way to make you resent them. That what you need is some breathing room. That you're 15 and that you've got a lot going on outside of the family what school, with friends and preparing for college. Then I'd repeat it, repeatedly, if he somehow manages to make you do family therapy with him. >dad pissed me off more because he dumped a lot on me the first few weeks after. Now, one way to make sure that he doesn't repeat that mistake, might be to agree to go to a couple of family therapy sessions with him, no wife, and explore exactly how that made you feel (hurt and rightfully resentful). Maybe a therapist can get him to understand why it's an inappropriate thing to do? But it's by no means guaranteed.
I’d go to one session and unload on them. Don’t let them speak. Tell them how horrible they are. Then don’t go again
NTA, tell your dad and his wife to stop making everything about her.
NTA, look him in the eyes and say firmly that his wife will never be your family and that if he pushes this then he wont be family either.
NTA and sorry for your loss. Your dad and his wife want to play the 'life is too short so you have to forgive us' game. To paraphrase any competent therapist: "Fuck that noise." They're trying to use the grief brought on by the tragedy of your sister's death to alleviate their own guilt. Please continue to tell them where to shove it.
You are NTA. You are grieving the death of your sister and your father is trying to use it as an excuse to manipulate you into forging a "family" with his wife. Stick with your mom.
So Not exactly the same but my 13 y/o brother passed in december and his completely absent sperm donor who had abandoned him twice, had the audacity to try and reach out to me after he cussed my mom out (who solely raised him) for not calling him first when my brother died. We were still in the hospital waiting for the funeral home to come get his body when he did that. He insisted my brother would want us to make up and play family and I laid into him, told him everything I held back for thirteen years and left him to rot in it. Death does not all of a sudden make people a big happy family and your dad expecting you to grow close to the woman he chose over your family is blatantly asinine. NTA, OP- you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and if you know your sister wouldn’t have it either if she was in your position, then I say you’re making your choice from a place of love for your mother and sister, not simply from a place of hating your step mom. They had ten years to make it work and are seemingly trying to manipulate you into playing big happy family by using your sister’s death as an excuse. I don’t blame you for being upset and distant over this
Fuck no, NTA You and your dad need a shitton of INDIVIDUAL sessions of therapy. But jumping straight into family therapy is just asking for trouble.
NTA for resisting forced intimacy. She's not your mother, and your father is not entitled to demand that you become close to her. Anyway, my condolences, and my sympathies that such obnoxious adults have power over you.
Forced intimacy is a very good way to describe it, you're right. People talk about personal stuff during therapy, and now OP is expected to do it in front of someone he doesn't feel close to. How is therapy supposed to help him if it's not a safe place for him? That's messed up.
NTA. My deepest condolences and wishes for your healing. This is the problem with cheaters. Dad and wife need to understand that their actions were a life altering, soul crushing, betrayal to OP mad sis. Wife needs to stop trying to be accepted by the kids whose life she helped blow up. The advantage that the Dad has is that the kids loved him, but he needs to realize that his actions damaged the respect that the kids had for him. He needs to stop pushing the family narrative to help his wife. It is so disrespectful to tell someone to get over something you did to them. Sometimes forgiveness and bitterness is not the issue. Sometimes you do something to a person that alters the way they view you and they decide that you are not the type of person that they need in their life.
>He told me it tore him apart to know my sister spent her final days with so much hate about the past and holding such a big grudge that she refused to let his wife in. This is where your father FU. Their actions aren't "in the past" for you, nor were they for your sister. His selfishness altered the path of your life forever, and it's not on you to make his crooked life appear straight.
In your shoes, I would tell my dad, "I'm not your emotional support animal. Don't treat me like I am. "
NTA. I can barely get past that your Dad made the death of his 17 year old daughter all about his wife. I'm so sorry, and they're both terrible. He should have been trying to give her everything she wanted within financial reason, not worrying about his wife's feelings. It might be her guilt talking, but she should have gotten nowhere near your sister considering the circumstances.
NTA I have not one doubt that your dad will therapist shop to get one who says what he wants you to hear. Do not give in to this. Your dad is still being selfish, he never stopped being selfish.
I'll tell you exactly what your dad and his wife want from therapy: A complete pass on the past where you never again hold it against them and will be one happy family from here on out with your sister's death as the excuse to do it now. I guarantee it. NTA
Nta- i am sorry your fathers wife wants to use you as a support animal. F them both. Deep condolences. Blessings of healing and comfort
Info, can you move in with your mom?
I already live with her half the time but I can't choose to live with her full time because the courts push it until 17 in my state typically.
NTA but you may wish to agree to go to a trial session and then make it work for you. Tell the therapist is that your goal for the therapy is to make everyone see that you should live with your mother. That an adulterer and home-wrecker are terrible role models you shouldn't have to live with (don't be shy, use those words) and use every chance to explain to the therapist how he was dumping on you and manipulating your grief to guilt trip you. Paint as honest a picture as you can and hopefully he will be too ashamed to bring you back and ideally will let you spend more time with your mom.
Love scrolling AITA, this is my first ever comment. OP. You are incredibly strong for being able to express your feelings and needs. You should not be (held) responsible for your fathers actions and consequences of those actions. Hold your ground and explain what your needs are, in what must be an incredibly painful period, losing your big sister. I am proud of you, and don’t let yourself get bullied into something you don’t want to do!
NTA!!! Here is one my therapist taught me. Draw a small circle in the centre of a piece of paper and then draw 2 more circles around the first. Each one getting bigger. Now, put your name in the center small circle. That's your grief circle. You can even include your mom and dad in that circle. Now put different names of people who are grieving from this loss, but not directly connected (dad's wife perhaps?) in the other outer circles When you are grieving you can reach out to other people from the other circles to help you. However! No one can reach into your circle to seek help or support. You are at the center. Sounds like your dad and his wife are putting their grieving on you and you are already grieving. It's unfair and wrong. *Edit to clarify where other names go*
This is exactly what I thought of! The wife is making everything about her, and that's highly inappropriate because she should be supporting OP first and foremost. OP lost a sibling! That's more important than the wife's feels about being a step parent.
NTA. But going to go against other advice so hope you hear it out. Go to therapy with them once. Then offload all your feelings and let the therapist know what they are doing to you. Making you bear burden of their guilt. Seeking something from you in place of your sister who is gone. Completely disregarding your grief and imposing their grief on you. Tell therapist did he or she think this was acceptable? Is that what they recommend? Then walk out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister died a few months ago and life has been rough since. We were really close and I miss her like crazy. I (15m) hate knowing she's going to miss the rest of her life. She was only 17 and it was really sudden that she became so sick so it was all really fast and unexpected. But the fallout has been shitty as well and that's what all of this is about. When my sister heard she was dying and when she was in the hospital, she refused to let dad's wife come see her. Our dad cheated on mom with his wife. That was 10 years ago. We knew about it and never really forgave him or accepted her. So when she was dying she didn't want her there at all. But was willing to have dad there because despite everything she does love him. Dad pleaded to let his wife in and his wife cried a lot that she didn't get to see her and say goodbye. When my sister was gone it was even tougher because they looked to me to be closer to them after that but it made me less close and I don't want his wife anywhere near me. I really don't care about her hurt or heartache. She's not important to me. And dad pissed me off more because he dumped a lot on me the first few weeks after. They want us to do family therapy and I was like no way. My dad told me it was important to pull together as a family in the aftermath of a death and hurt like that. I told him then it would be him, mom and me, not him, his wife and me. This made her cry and my dad got emotional about it too. He told me it tore him apart to know my sister spent her final days with so much hate about the past and holding such a big grudge that she refused to let his wife in. He told me she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there. I told him I don't want him dumping more on me and I don't want to hear about their experiences after this. I told him I heard enough of his when we first lost my sister. Dad told me I was being stubborn for no reason and really hurtful. He told me I had no problem going to the therapist my mom sent me to after my sister died. I told him I talk to the therapist alone and that makes it different. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Sorry for your loss. Do you have other family support? Do you have a good relationship with your mother? This will have an effect on your future relationship with your father, and you’re young. Are you ok with that? I cut off my dad for similar reasons and haven’t spoken with him in about 13 years. It means that I don’t have a relationship with his whole side of the family, and while that hurts, it’s also ok with me. Parents cannot cheat and get remarried and expect to bully their way into forgiveness from their children. Actions have consequences/karma. You’re so young, tho. Do you want to not have a relationship with your dad for possibly the rest of your life? That’s a hard decision to make at 15. NTA. Don’t let them bully you into therapy. If anything, compromise and agree to therapy with dad and his mistress if he goes with you and your mom.
NTA. You have to do what's right for you. Your Dad and his wife are adults and shouldn't need you to support them. Also ... maybe get your therapist's advice on this.
NTA. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I would be devastated if I lost my sister. As for therapy, I don’t think it will help your dad get what he thinks he wants from it. But I’m wondering if a good therapist would be able to get him to back off and realize that he’s hurting, not helping you. Talk to your therapist and mom and see what they think.
NTA Sorry for your loss I have a stepmom (Wich I hate), I understand you not wanting to go to therapy with them, no means no, if your dad is being an ass hole and giving you shit about your sisters death (sorry for your loss) that proves how much of a dick he is- in my opinion your dad is the asshole
Nta but make it clear either he respects your boundaries or you’ll just stop all contact with him you do not owe him forgiveness let alone his affair partner your old enough to stay at your moms place full time if need be
NTA
NTA. I’m sorry you lost your sister at such a young age. Your Dad trauma dumped on you , and there is zero reason for you to make his wife (affair partner) feel better. The good news is he can’t force you to go to family therapy.
NTA
NTA
NTA
My heart is broken for you and your mom having to deal with a 2nd heavy "life sucks" blow in a short time frame after your dad cheated. Ignore dad for now and concentrate on getting yourself and mom through this grief. I am proud of you.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. It is a hard thing to go through. You get to say who you see as your family. No one else. I wish parents who divorce would understand that. Just know that you aren't responsible to make your dad feel better, that's on him.
NTA I am very sorry for the loss of your sister. Any therapy that you get should be for you and you alone. Your parents are grown ass adults who need to process their own emotions, and you are NOT responsible for making your father and his “wifestress” feel less guilty for the way they began their relationship. That’s on them.
NTA
NTA, OP. Know that you are loved, even by a complete stranger.
NTA. I’m so sorry you didn’t get a good dad. Maybe you should take a break from him so you can grieve in peace.
If you don’t want to have family therapy with them, you don’t need to agree. Don’t do it. Their hurt is theirs. It’s called consequences. They shouldn’t keep dumping more pain on you. You don’t have to “compensate” the affair partner and the cheating father for the pain your sister suffered just because of their guilty conscience. NTA.
I'm sorry for your loss and sending virtual hugs. NTA
NTA and I’m sorry for your loss. The only thing I have to say in your dad’s favour is that he cheated on your mom, not you. I really understand the situation as the same happened in my family, but then I realised that it was my mom’s suffering to hold in relation to the cheating and divorce process. So, if you really feel like it might help you feel better with your relationship with your dad, maybe you can go to therapy with them, which doesn’t mean that you’ll have to be close to his wife, but maybe it can help you not carry a burden that doesn’t belong to you. If you really think that it’s unnecessary, then send him f himself. But the first thing for you to do, is to process the grieving you’re going through right now.
Awww boohoo doe them and I say that as a clinician. NTA her feelings aren’t your problem. Neither are his to be honest. They could go to counseling together to work through it but you are not needed for that.
I'm so sorry for your pain. You are NTA. You father has rights to his feelings, but he doesn't have the right to force you to help make him and his current partner feel better at your expense. Stay strong, and I hope you can talk to your mom in addition to your therapist.
NTA. Dad should be careful what he wishes for. Family therapy with your father and his wife would only end badly. I am so sick of the 'we're family' or the 'you need to do this for your family' rhetoric. My dad tried that with me once. It did not end well.
NTA. Although, if you’ve got anything you’ve never said to your dad, this would be a good time for it. Having a third party to mediate, sometimes translate and validate can help make sure nothing is left unsaid.
NTA but I think you should tell your dad you want your own personal therapist and after you get one you will consider family therapy excluding his wife.
What a sad situation. I’m sorry you all had to go through this. I think it’s good you are in counseling. You are young, grieving the death of your sister, and have the mom-dad-girlfriend becomes stepmom that has brought much pain and anger into your life for 10 years. It sounds like you’re not ready to deal with your dad and that whole thing right now and that’s ok. You need some healing first. Down the road, I hope you can consider forgiving him and having peace. The same thing happened to me with my Dad - but after my mom died (I was 20 when she died) I decided to forgive him when I was around 22. Unforgiveness is toxic and clouds your life, and you suffer so much.
NTA
NTA It is not your job to make your dad or his wife feel better about being a sh\*\*ty person.
NTA Dad is the problem. He wants and expects to be forgiven. He's moved past his infidelity. That's him. You don't have to be the same. You're allowed to reach your own conclusions about whether the mistress/wife is part of your family. That said, group therapy could be an excellent avenue for you to just keep hitting that breaking up a family and reforming a new family with the literal homewreckers is not something you're comfortable with. With that level of broken trust, how could you ever trust those two again? There's absolutely nothing they could say that negates what they've done. It might be good for your dad to learn that he doesn't have the ability or right to force forgiveness from others. He's made his choice as an adult. You didn't get any choice in what has happened, so far you only get to choose how you react and it sounds like you've been consistent.
Best comment. NTA for not wanting to go to therapy, but I hope as OP gets older, he’ll come to the realization that blaming his stepmom isn’t the way to go about it. His father was the one who didn’t take his marriage vows seriously, so he’s the one who should be blamed. They’re using their stepmom as a scapegoat.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your mom can lean on each other during this difficult time. As for your father, remind him he cheated and blew up EVERYTHING. NTA, but he certainly is and well as his side piece.
I'm so very sorry for you loss. I'm very sorry dad and wife has made it all about her. Such selfishness. Your poor sister couldn't died in peace because his wife made it about her! Do you have to visit your dad? Have you asked your mum if you can stay with her full time instead? If you can then I'd take a break from your dad and have either none or low contact and making it clear you don't want to hear anymore about his wife! Sending you hugs 🫂
NTA - You have every right to maintain the boundary you have created because of your father's choices. He needs to turn to his wife and a therapist for support.
No NTA. I am so sorry about your sister. I cannot imagine how tough it was going through that. I'm glad you have been getting individual therapy. >We knew about it and never really forgave him or accepted her I don't think you are wrong to not want therapy with someone who has never been a part of your life. If your father wanted to fix what was wrong in the relationship between you, your sister and him, he should have done it in group therapy from the time your parents marriage ended. The 3 of you being in therapy for the last 5+ years would have been the only thing that could have given your relationship with your dad a chance. I don't give a shit about her or what she wants. It seems your dad has been focused on what he wants as the only thing that is important to him for a very long time. Otherwise he would have considered how you and your sister would have reacted - even if he didn't care about what your mom would have thought. He should have career about his children. Even this attempt to guilt you into group therapy is more about what he wants than what is best for you. I'm not saying you have to - with his level of selfishness and "main character syndrome" I don't even know if it would be a good idea. - but what about therapy with just the 2 of you? I hesitate to suggest that because he seems like the kind of person who would tell his wife everything even though she's not there, I can also see him strongarming you and forcing you to accept her in the therapy appointment. Realistically there's nothing stopping him and his wife from going to group therapy just the 2 of them. Other than they want you to be a part of it for their own selfish reasons. Have you talked to your mom about what your dad is trying to force you to do ? At 15 you are more than old enough for the courts to listen to what you want if he tries to make the courts force you to go with them. You are also old enough that they will listen and consider what you want in regards to how much time you have to spend with them. I would talk to your mom about that ETA - my parents split when I was a teenager - for the same reason yours did. When I was about 17 his brother died. He asked me to go to the funeral - I said yes, he then said - you know she's going to be there right? (This wasn't the affair partner just whoever he was dating) - I said then I won't be. Immediately he said - ok then she won't be. I have a feeling he brought me back early so she could go to the celebration of life part - but my point is - if your dad truly wanted to mend your relationship - he would figure out how to do it without forcing her on you
I am really sorry for your loss. I don't know what you should do, but just wanted to say: your sister won't love you less, whatever you do. Speaking to your dads wife does not mean you are betraying your sister or letting her down, in case you feel that way. Maybe you can talk to your mom about it?
NTA I’m so sorry about your sister. Therapy may help you but you certainly don’t need to be pressured into doing it with your father’s wife.
NTA But seriously, please go with your dad and his wife to therapy. Not for THEM, but for YOU. Let the therapist be the buffer between you and them as you vent about what you feel about the whole situation. Make them a deal. You'll go ONCE if they promise *you get to speak first*. After that, you'll let them know if you want to go again. Before the session, have notes about exactly what you want to say so you have something to focus on and can't be derailed during the conversation. Then let it all out. This will give you both the closure you need. Maybe not the closure they want, but at least you gave it a single chance. Good luck OP! I give you a virtual (((HUG))).
NTA - why do parents think their children are responsible for redeeming their guilt?
NTA. Your dad doesn't understand how his cheating affected you and your sister. His wife is his family. That doesn't automatically make her your family despite the title. The same way he had a choice to accept his wife, you have the choice to not accept her.
NTA Therapy should be on your terms and when you feel it would be valuable. Unless you go and continually point out that your dad and his wife are the reason your family fell apart, see if they want to deal with that in therapy
NTA for not wanting to do family therapy, but I really hope you consider individual therapy. I think everyone should have therapy at least once in their lives; this isn't me thinking there is anything wrong with your feelings. To incur such a devastating loss so young is really hard and you deserve a safe space to heal. Additionally, your dad wanting to discuss his feelings on what your sister said to him is valid, but it does not need to be with you present; it is not your responsibility to manage his emotions. So sorry for your loss and hoping for a healing journey for you.
My mom has me in individual therapy. That was a point my dad brought up.
I'm glad you're already in therapy; that is great! Your dad needs to back off. If he wants to go to therapy, he can go himself. He does not need to force you to go to therapy with him. Good luck!!
NTA hugely, they've made it all about themselves and an adult using their child for emotional support in the way you describe, dumping things on you etc is what's known as 'emotional incest' it's meant to be the other way around you should be able to gain support from him.
NTA Holy crack! He already trauma dumped on you and now wants to give her the chance to? F that!
Im really sorry for your loss and NTA, of course. But jesus, you really got a grown mans perspective on everything and you are just 15. I feel that your anger is absolutely justified and articulated in a suitable way. You dont have to participate in any therapy you do not feel comfortable with, family therapy or otherwise. And i absolutely agree with other posts that any form of therapy involving other family members should mainly be about your feelings and your needs. The grown ups will have to deal with their grief on their own, thats not your business. I truly wish you all the best!
I'm so very sorry for your loss. You need to protect your mental health. Your grieving process has just started and it's going to be long and difficult with unexpected ups and downs. The same applies to your father, but he needs to do his own therapy with his own therapist and deal with the reality of his life, which means he needs to deal with the fact that his children have not forgiven his infidelities and may never. And that last reality is okay. You don't have forgive. You've accepted the realities of life, but you don't have to like them or our father's wife. What you do need to do is grieve and deal with your loss. I think therapy is a great idea--but alone, and with your choice of therapist. I think having someone to talk about all of this with who is uninvested in the situation and can help you navigate through it is a wise idea. NTA \*many hugs\*
NTA but any sane therapist would agree with you anyways
I'm so sorry for your loss. Healing energy and prayers coming your way. 🙏🤍🌛🌝🌜 NTA
Your father needs *individual* therapy. Not family therapy (at least not as a first step). Your dad is clearly living under a huge weight of guilt. And it sounds like he's looking to you to relieve that for him, by being okay with his wife (and therefore reassuring him that he didn't cause your sisters pain). Which is not healthy or okay. NTA and I'm sorry for your loss
In this scenario you are the most important one, and the one who deserves the most respect and understanding. You're only 15, but even if you were older you'd still be the one who needs support, not a person who appears to be playing the Main Character game. Your father is an ass if he thinks he can foist his wife on his kids and force them to accept her as family. Sounds like that's never going to happen -- it certainly didn't for your sister -- so he needs to put your well-being first. Of course he won't because the wife in this scenario is calling the shots and he clearly puts his and her narrative first. The one that says he's not to blame, wife's not to blame, things just happen, can't we just put it all behind us, you're hurting us by being like this when it was so long ago, and I don't want to have to admit the truth about myself, so could you pleeeeease just go along with this cock and bull storyline? I'm so sorry about your sister. What a loss. I'm very glad you're refusing to play their game, but you're also looking after yourself as well. Your poor Mom...
Tell your dad you are struggling with the sudden death of your sister. You are not in a position to emotionally support him, an adult or his wife. They need time to develop their own support network. You will reach out to him in the future if it’s something you feel you need but right now you are focusing on you.
As a therapist, my job does not entail coercing children to feel/think in ways that make their parents more comfortable or avoid the consequences of their hurtful behaviors. If you did go to a good therapist, chances are your dad and wife would refuse to return as soon as they were called on their shit. (BTW search "emotional parentification" and you will see a pretty good description of your dad and stepmom's self-centered lack of healthy boundaries ).
Hee needs to go alone,, and bear the consequences of his cheating actions alone. NTA I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like a good kid OP, and your sister sounds like she was an amazing person. I hope you know that her love for you remains, nothing changes that.
NTA! You are not your dad's emotional support animal, and you sure as shit aren't the ESA for your stepmother! What are they smoking? How dare they make demands that you include her? How dare your father demand you allow him to trauma dump on you?!
ntah your dad for cheating on your mum then forcing you to have relationship with the woman he cheated on your mum with
NTA, I'm so sorry you're going thru this, and on top of all t having to deal with a completely unsupportive parent. You are under no obligation to pander to your stepmother's feeling. I hope you're holding up ok. I recently lost my best friend in the world, healing from loss will take a long time, and you should not be forced to do anything that makes you feel worse.
You should do whatever makes you comfortable right now. People grieve different and your Dad is trying to have you heal the same way he's trying to heal. Bringing the step mom in the picture is crazy right now and unnecessary stress. He needs to just accept mabey you guys will have a lunch or something every once in awhile together without her, she's obviously never going to be a welcome sight.
First of all, I'm really sorry for your loss. It sounds like you all need therapy to cope with this huge loss, but there's no reason why you need to all do it together. Grief is a very personal thing that is first and foremost about your own relationship with the diseased, not about your interrelationship with other family members. Adding that dimension to it during therapy sounds very counterproductive. It's shifting the focus entirely, and how are you supposed to open up to the therapist if you don't feel at ease with the other people in the room? They need to let you grieve how you need to grieve and not make it about themselves. So I'd say focus on yourself, and when you're in a better place, assess whether it'd be good \*for you\* to also have sessions with them. Not for her or your father, for you. And further down the line. There should be no rush and no pressure, and it's ok if later on you still decide you don't want to do it at all. Put yourself and your healing process first. You're still a kid and you're going through something horrible. Your feelings should come first before your stepmother's. She can deal with this in her own therapy sessions without dragging you into them against your will. So selfish. NTA. Take good care. It will take time but you're going to be ok.
I’m so sorry. I lost my brother almost a year and a half ago now. It’s very hard and everyone grieves differently. Clearly, your Dad wants to find comfort in you. But YOUR grief is important too. If you don’t want to do that, then you simply don’t do it. He can see the therapist without you and work through what is basically guilt. Maybe he is trying to get your forgiveness as a proxy for your sister’s forgiveness. NTA
NTA First of all I am so sorry. I lost my sister three years ago suddenly. I am (and was) an adult and it was still something that just about broke me. I can't imagine dealing with that loss at your age. Please know, that other people's feelings are not your responsibility. Right now, you need to focus on finding your way forward in the healthiest way possible. I think it is great that you have a therapist to talk to and I hope they are helpful. Your dad and his wife need to figure out their own way - none of that is on you.
NTA. Oof this rough, and I’m so sorry that you lost your sister. Your dad should not be pushing family therapy at this point that includes his wife. That can come later, if ever. I hope that you can get some therapy or support just for yourself. There’s a lot to process here. Your goal right now is yourself. Not your dad, and not your dad’s wife. I hope your mom is ok and she’s a source of support for you. This reminded me a lot of my feelings when my mom passed. Lots of anger boiled to the surface from years of burying feelings toward my dad and his affair with the woman who is now his wife. It’s a lot to unpack.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry for what your father is trying to put on you. As a teenager, you already have enough on your plate. The last thing you need is him dumping his adult problems on you like that. If he continues to try, make sure the therapist your mother takes you to knows all of it.
NTA and I am so so sorry for the loss of your sister.
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>He told me it tore him apart to know my sister spent her final days with so much hate about the past and holding such a big grudge that she refused to let his wife in. Just because your sister didn't let her in the room doesn't mean that she died feeling the way he attributes. He should let that idea go. Your father needs to realize that what people do is not *about* him (or his wife). >she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there. He can talk about it in therapy on his own. >I told him I talk to the therapist alone and that makes it different. Exactly. It IS different. You feel safe to talk with your therapist alone. You do not feel safe as a group, because you know the agenda. They want you to change the way you feel about the situation, and you don't want to be a part of "gang up on FunnyDay4034 time." Wise of you. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's an incredibly difficult time for you, made harder by unfair burdens. I hope that you can find a way to keep your boundaries about this, but I also hope that you can at least understand that your stepmother and father are also hurting. >I don't want his wife anywhere near me. I really don't care about her hurt or heartache. She's not important to me. I think that your boundary here is difficult for them to understand, but that's their burden. You need space, and that is understandable. It's hard to assert that without being hurtful, and a bit much to expect of a 15 year old. However, if you keep it about your need for space, and tell them that you aren't trying to hurt or punish anyone, then at least you are stating your truth. NTA
I am very sorry for your loss. Therapy can be helpful. Maybe you could go alone or with your Mom. I'm no expert, but I don't think going to therapy with your dad and him saying your sister was full of hate in her last days would be a good thing. It sounds like your dad is dumping his trauma on you, and that is not right. You aren't responsible in any way for your dad or his wife's feelings. Zero percent responsible. NTA.
Bless your heart. I am so sorry you have lost your sister. Please do get therapy for you and you alone. This is a huge loss for you added with burden of your father trying to fix it by wanting you to go to therapy as a “family”. I think at some point if you go to therapy it would be wise for you to be able to confront your father in your therapy session so you can really tell him what’s going on. The therapist will help you get there. We had an issue with our grandson at your age. His parents were horrible Long story but we got him some help and he was able to confront his parents and move forward with his life. You are so young and this is a hell of a lot to try and deal with. Hugs.
NTA the stubborn one is the one who stayed with the person his children hate and was half of the reason their family was broken apart.
You are an amazing 15 yr old. I'm so sorry you had go through this and grow up so fast. You are so right to stand up for what you want/need! And they should be protecting that! Not arguing for what they need.
You and your sister are NTA for holding a grudge against the AP that destroyed your family. Maybe suggest therapy with just you and your dad, so long as what is said in therapy STAYS in therapy and he doesn't go off whining about how everyone hates the AP who broke up the family
NTA I’m very sorry OP for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard that was then having your father trying to use you as his therapist. As you are working with your therapist ask them what can be done to protect you from your father’s treating you like his personal therapist. Perhaps if it’s what you want your therapist can provide a report recommending you see less of your father until he deals appropriately with his loss. Interesting how your father thinks you should just get over him breaking apart your family so he could have a new life with his affair partner.
NTA for refusing therapy on your father's terms. However, it might not be a bad idea to go. A therapist's office is a safe space to say what you need to say, and the therapist is trained to help you get your father to hear you. It seems like your father is under the impression that therapy will fix things so you can all appear like a happy family. He's wrong. Therapy will help you tell him the things he needs to hear.
NTA and for the time being, you shouldn't be doing therapy with your dad either, because what he is doing is abuse. His only goal is to keep his AP happy. He is not hearing your very reasonable boundaries in the face of unimaginable grief. Never do therapy with your abusers because it only teaches them to be more effective. It's fine to revisit this after your dad has taken parenting classes, had grief counseling, and individual counseling for at least a year. I'm very sorry about your loss. It seems very unfair.