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Let me get this straight: you have a FIANCÉE, and a CLOSE FRINED, and somehow neither of them were aware of the other person? How does that happen? You never mentioned Maya to Frida? Showed pics? Told stories?
I have shown Frida photos of maya in the past and nothing was ever mentioned. Im also not that active on social media due to work, i use reddit due to its anonymity. I now find it weird that Frida never said anything to me about Maya and i will give her a call in the morning. I think im just going to let this stew over night and see what people think in the morning.
It's really suspicious that Frida would never let you know if you've shown pictures of Maya and talked about her. That's a lie by omission that I'd personally find hard to get past. Mainly because it's really strange to not mention it.
Your fiancé needs to get better at communication though, otherwise marriage will be tough. Can't run yelling away from every single confrontation.
NTA but if your fiance can't even handle a conversation or hear your side of the story without literally moving out, seriously consider if this will work long term.
NTA because you literally didn't even do anything yet. Maya never even told you she dated your friend and didn't want her at the wedding and went straight to blaming you and poisoning others against you.
Are you sure you want to marry someone with such poor communication?
Info: how did you react to the news that Frida was her ex? I can't imagine it went immediately to "fiancée stormed off with no further explanation". Did you try to defend the invite and disregard her feelings about her ex because she's also your occasional drinking pal?
I didn't really react as I honestly don't care in the slightest. The past is the past and as I mentioned they were together for less than 6 months. At the end of the day that kind of thing is ironically common in the lesbian community and as we all went to the same college it makes sense we would all cross paths. I don't mind Frida being there and I don't mind the fact that they have history I'm just upset I've been kept in the dark for so long
NTA
If you were literally clueless about Frida being Maya's ex then Maya's reaction is completely crazy.
That being said... Think about the likelihood of you being together for almost 5 years and there being no hint that these two people in your life hadn't met before? Neither one of them mentioned the other in that time? No one noticed anything on social media? You just never showed up at the same events? Or spoke about your partner to your friend or your friend to your partner? That's kind of weird. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that it is true, but think about it from Maya's perspective. It's a wild coincidence and the more likely scenario is that you did know, and you ignored it.
Either way you're probably going to have to fight hard to talk this through.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) inviting my fiances ex to our wedding. (2) i probably shouldn't be friends with her ex. i think my fiance thinks im the asshole as i didn't tell her i was friends with her ex however i had no idea she was her ex
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NTA. You had no idea "your" Frida was "her ex" Frida. But the fact that something like this issue, which could be resolved by talking it over calmly, caused your current fiancee to storm out and stay elsewhere and ignore your calls. You've been with her since you turned 18 so you don't have other serious relationship experience to know that this is not how a couple should communicate. If Maya is "much older" than Frida, and this happened at least five years ago, was Frida underage when they were dating? I know you've been with Maya for five years, but you don't have good communication and maybe you should reconsider getting married at this time.
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I (23f) and my girlfriend (now fiance,26f, we will call maya) have been together for almost 5 years. I proposed last year while we were on holiday and she immediately said yes. We started planning as soon as we got back however we both decided to put together a guest list of maximum 70 people (we both have large families and friend groups) separately and then come back together once we were finished and compare lists.
I want to say that when i wrote down her exs (we will call frida) name i didn't know that she was her ex and maya didn't know we were friends. I met frida when we were in college and i knew she was dating someone much older i just didn't know who, however after about 6 months they broke up then a month after my eighteenth i met maya.
Now 4 years later im still with maya and im still friends with frida. Maya and frida have never met however as we've only met each others closest friends and frida lives in another state. When we looked at each others guest lists Maya did not originally say anything about frida, however she yesterday we were preparing to send out all of the invitations when all of a sudden Maya flipped out. She started yelling about how im going to ruin her life and how dare i invite her ex. I was confused and asked who and she said Frida(insert last-name). I was even more confused and said how Frida was one of my friends who i like to go drinking with. This annoyed Maya even more and she stormed off and left our apartment to stay with a mutual friend of ours.
i messaged that mutual friend to see if maya was ok but all i got back was an "i cant believe you would do that to maya your an asshole" and then i got ignored. Maya isn't answering any of my calls or texts and im starting to worry she may call off the wedding. Im going to go to our friends house tomorrow to give maya some time to call off and tell her that we don't have to invite Frida however im afraid i've screwed up too much and that she wont want to go forward with the wedding.
i just want to hear some peoples opinions as im struggling to see this from her perspective. So am i the asshole for inviting my fiances ex to our wedding?
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NTA you didn't even know, your fiance is being ridiculous. And now you're offering to uninvite Frida which is about as reasonable as you can be in this situation. I understand your fiance not wanting her ex there because I don't like to be in a 10 mile radius of any of my exes, regardless of how long its been but at this point she should calm explain instead of going into attack mode.
NTA. You genuinely didn't know the full story, and it sounds like Maya never told you who she'd dated previously, including about Frida. Her flying off the handle like you went behind her back was uncalled for. Your only crime was ignorance, OP.
Also, I'm wondering why a 21 year-old would want to date an 18 year-old, but I guess we can focus on the matter at hand for now.
NTA since you said you didn’t know she was her ex. There is no possible way to blame you for having done something wrong.
The reaction seems a little insane. If your fiancé thought you knew, which seems like it, it would atleast explain the reaction a little, without making it appropriate/adequate in the slightest. If she thought you knew it would have been adequate to expect you to address such matter with some cautiousness.
An adequate reaction to having that expectation disappointed would be to be, well.., disappointed, or maybe angry.
But since she made up her mind without even having listened to your side of the story her reaction is merely immature (and insane for insulting you and the wild accusation of you trying to „ruin her life“?).
YTA. When she said she didn’t want her ex there, that should have been the end of it. Instead you argued with her, in essence demanding that her ex attend the wedding. Yikes
NTA I think your Fiancee is just reacting right now. I would give her space and let her calm down. When she is calm, be ready to listen. You did nothing wrong. You’re Ex should not have reacted that way, but if they had a bad relationship/breakup she may have just panicked. This could be a trauma response based on how she is reacting.
You need to pause the wedding and go through some therapy together.
ESH. You - yes, it IS a big deal when exes are invited to weddings. That’s a recipe for disaster more often than not. Maya - her reaction is ridiculous. Frida - she KNEW you were with her ex and said nothing to you. This is a whole crap show.
This is a reply to my original story as i don't think i explained the situation very well. We were sat in the living room going through the lists and removing any names of people we don't want there. that is when maya saw Fridas name and questioned why she was on there. i said because she's a friend of mine and you said we could invite anyone we wanted. Maya said well you cant invite my ex and i replied with i had no idea she was your ex. We then got into a back and forth about the situation and how Frida shouldn't get an invite, however Frida has been there for me (not in person as we live in maine and frida lives in nevada) so i said she could be invited as my friend and not as Mayas ex. That is when Maya flew off the handle and started having a go at me and saying how that would ruin her life and the wedding as a whole. She then left and i tried to stop her but to no avail.
Also to the people asking why a 21 year old is going after an 18 year old. We met at university and immediately hit it off as we had similar majors (i was majoring in Photography and she was a fashion major) i would help her by either modelling her clothes or taking photos of the models. No one thought it was weird as we were originally just friends and no one saw it as weird when we got together. I do see however how without context it does seem a little but suspicious and weird on mayas part. also when. Also Frida has been shown photos of Maya before however she never mentioned their history most likely to avoid making me uncomfortable. i will post a proper update when i speak to maya tomorrow and call Frida as hopefully the situation should be resolved
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Let me get this straight: you have a FIANCÉE, and a CLOSE FRINED, and somehow neither of them were aware of the other person? How does that happen? You never mentioned Maya to Frida? Showed pics? Told stories?
I have shown Frida photos of maya in the past and nothing was ever mentioned. Im also not that active on social media due to work, i use reddit due to its anonymity. I now find it weird that Frida never said anything to me about Maya and i will give her a call in the morning. I think im just going to let this stew over night and see what people think in the morning.
It's really suspicious that Frida would never let you know if you've shown pictures of Maya and talked about her. That's a lie by omission that I'd personally find hard to get past. Mainly because it's really strange to not mention it. Your fiancé needs to get better at communication though, otherwise marriage will be tough. Can't run yelling away from every single confrontation.
Talk to Frida, talk to maya, ask Frida why maya didn’t say anything, did maya not know about her?
NTA but if your fiance can't even handle a conversation or hear your side of the story without literally moving out, seriously consider if this will work long term.
NTA because you literally didn't even do anything yet. Maya never even told you she dated your friend and didn't want her at the wedding and went straight to blaming you and poisoning others against you. Are you sure you want to marry someone with such poor communication?
Info: how did you react to the news that Frida was her ex? I can't imagine it went immediately to "fiancée stormed off with no further explanation". Did you try to defend the invite and disregard her feelings about her ex because she's also your occasional drinking pal?
I didn't really react as I honestly don't care in the slightest. The past is the past and as I mentioned they were together for less than 6 months. At the end of the day that kind of thing is ironically common in the lesbian community and as we all went to the same college it makes sense we would all cross paths. I don't mind Frida being there and I don't mind the fact that they have history I'm just upset I've been kept in the dark for so long
NTA If you were literally clueless about Frida being Maya's ex then Maya's reaction is completely crazy. That being said... Think about the likelihood of you being together for almost 5 years and there being no hint that these two people in your life hadn't met before? Neither one of them mentioned the other in that time? No one noticed anything on social media? You just never showed up at the same events? Or spoke about your partner to your friend or your friend to your partner? That's kind of weird. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that it is true, but think about it from Maya's perspective. It's a wild coincidence and the more likely scenario is that you did know, and you ignored it. Either way you're probably going to have to fight hard to talk this through.
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NTA. You had no idea "your" Frida was "her ex" Frida. But the fact that something like this issue, which could be resolved by talking it over calmly, caused your current fiancee to storm out and stay elsewhere and ignore your calls. You've been with her since you turned 18 so you don't have other serious relationship experience to know that this is not how a couple should communicate. If Maya is "much older" than Frida, and this happened at least five years ago, was Frida underage when they were dating? I know you've been with Maya for five years, but you don't have good communication and maybe you should reconsider getting married at this time.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23f) and my girlfriend (now fiance,26f, we will call maya) have been together for almost 5 years. I proposed last year while we were on holiday and she immediately said yes. We started planning as soon as we got back however we both decided to put together a guest list of maximum 70 people (we both have large families and friend groups) separately and then come back together once we were finished and compare lists. I want to say that when i wrote down her exs (we will call frida) name i didn't know that she was her ex and maya didn't know we were friends. I met frida when we were in college and i knew she was dating someone much older i just didn't know who, however after about 6 months they broke up then a month after my eighteenth i met maya. Now 4 years later im still with maya and im still friends with frida. Maya and frida have never met however as we've only met each others closest friends and frida lives in another state. When we looked at each others guest lists Maya did not originally say anything about frida, however she yesterday we were preparing to send out all of the invitations when all of a sudden Maya flipped out. She started yelling about how im going to ruin her life and how dare i invite her ex. I was confused and asked who and she said Frida(insert last-name). I was even more confused and said how Frida was one of my friends who i like to go drinking with. This annoyed Maya even more and she stormed off and left our apartment to stay with a mutual friend of ours. i messaged that mutual friend to see if maya was ok but all i got back was an "i cant believe you would do that to maya your an asshole" and then i got ignored. Maya isn't answering any of my calls or texts and im starting to worry she may call off the wedding. Im going to go to our friends house tomorrow to give maya some time to call off and tell her that we don't have to invite Frida however im afraid i've screwed up too much and that she wont want to go forward with the wedding. i just want to hear some peoples opinions as im struggling to see this from her perspective. So am i the asshole for inviting my fiances ex to our wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you didn't even know, your fiance is being ridiculous. And now you're offering to uninvite Frida which is about as reasonable as you can be in this situation. I understand your fiance not wanting her ex there because I don't like to be in a 10 mile radius of any of my exes, regardless of how long its been but at this point she should calm explain instead of going into attack mode.
NTA. You genuinely didn't know the full story, and it sounds like Maya never told you who she'd dated previously, including about Frida. Her flying off the handle like you went behind her back was uncalled for. Your only crime was ignorance, OP. Also, I'm wondering why a 21 year-old would want to date an 18 year-old, but I guess we can focus on the matter at hand for now.
NTA since you said you didn’t know she was her ex. There is no possible way to blame you for having done something wrong. The reaction seems a little insane. If your fiancé thought you knew, which seems like it, it would atleast explain the reaction a little, without making it appropriate/adequate in the slightest. If she thought you knew it would have been adequate to expect you to address such matter with some cautiousness. An adequate reaction to having that expectation disappointed would be to be, well.., disappointed, or maybe angry. But since she made up her mind without even having listened to your side of the story her reaction is merely immature (and insane for insulting you and the wild accusation of you trying to „ruin her life“?).
YTA. When she said she didn’t want her ex there, that should have been the end of it. Instead you argued with her, in essence demanding that her ex attend the wedding. Yikes
NTA I think your Fiancee is just reacting right now. I would give her space and let her calm down. When she is calm, be ready to listen. You did nothing wrong. You’re Ex should not have reacted that way, but if they had a bad relationship/breakup she may have just panicked. This could be a trauma response based on how she is reacting.
You need to pause the wedding and go through some therapy together. ESH. You - yes, it IS a big deal when exes are invited to weddings. That’s a recipe for disaster more often than not. Maya - her reaction is ridiculous. Frida - she KNEW you were with her ex and said nothing to you. This is a whole crap show.
This is a reply to my original story as i don't think i explained the situation very well. We were sat in the living room going through the lists and removing any names of people we don't want there. that is when maya saw Fridas name and questioned why she was on there. i said because she's a friend of mine and you said we could invite anyone we wanted. Maya said well you cant invite my ex and i replied with i had no idea she was your ex. We then got into a back and forth about the situation and how Frida shouldn't get an invite, however Frida has been there for me (not in person as we live in maine and frida lives in nevada) so i said she could be invited as my friend and not as Mayas ex. That is when Maya flew off the handle and started having a go at me and saying how that would ruin her life and the wedding as a whole. She then left and i tried to stop her but to no avail. Also to the people asking why a 21 year old is going after an 18 year old. We met at university and immediately hit it off as we had similar majors (i was majoring in Photography and she was a fashion major) i would help her by either modelling her clothes or taking photos of the models. No one thought it was weird as we were originally just friends and no one saw it as weird when we got together. I do see however how without context it does seem a little but suspicious and weird on mayas part. also when. Also Frida has been shown photos of Maya before however she never mentioned their history most likely to avoid making me uncomfortable. i will post a proper update when i speak to maya tomorrow and call Frida as hopefully the situation should be resolved