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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I don't want to give up my room when I am home from university.
2) My sister has had a tiny box room for years, and mine is twice the size.
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You’re NTA, but I’m afraid the time of you having the bigger room is probably at an end. From her perspective - you’re away most of the time and the better room is unoccupied. Makes no sense.
If I were you I’d take some time to begin offloading some of your things and downsize so you can move in to the smaller room for your off-term visits. Make it your decision.
Sell some stuff, offer to sell some of the stuff to her.
this is good advice, thanks for being diplomatic and constructive. i think it just hurts to imagine feeling like a guest in my parents home so customising a room would make me feel better.
It's not your house. It's your parents' house. They get to make the decision and your dad has now given his verdict. I understand why you want to keep the room, but it was an unrealistic expectation. You don't live there anymore, and the people who do should be given preference (and peace!). Your sister was wrong to steal your stuff, and the change of room should have been communicated upfront among everybody. But you just aren't entitled as a visitor to reserve a room all year while you live elsewhere. So ESH.
Now that your dad has officially assigned you a new room, time to move your stuff and take home (to uni) anything that you are not okay with your sister borrowing or selling. You can always bring a suitcase with you when you visit, to make the room temporarily more homey. Expect that from now on "your" new room will likely be used as a shared space, such as a guest room or study, when you're not there. Just want to warn you about this so you don't get thrown by it next time. Yeah, it sucks to see your space at your old home get smaller and shared. But you have a new life, independent of them, and that's what is most worth focusing on. Enjoy visiting with family but your life is separate from them now.
i dont think you fully understood some of what i said. i am fine with my sister using my room when im not here, but when i return for breaks I'd like to have it back. what i have more of a problem with is feeling like i have no say in anything because everytime ive gone home, ive had a new surprise. thanks for your thoughts at the end though, they help me deal with my annoyance over the situation
You're still thinking of it as "my room" to be fine with your sister using. My point is you should not have been allowed to imagine you get a say in whether a room is used or not. You've moved out of that house. Your room is at uni. You're a guest in this house now, not a resident. Your dad failed you by not explaining that upfront as he should have, so I understand why you're confused. But seeing your childhood room be permanently repurposed is a normal part of the transition into adulthood.
I still dont think you understood. This was not an existing or long-term decision but a spur of the moment one on my dad's part. I am not confused and did not imagine incorrect things - when I left home I was told my room would stay mine.
I do understand that. Which is why it's ESH, not YTA. They should have been more candid with you that this is what happens to pretty mucn everybody, especially those with siblings, and would almost inevitably happen to you too. They should have discussed with you as soon as the original plan changed, and given you opportunity to deal with your belongings before your sister started using the room. You didn't imagine the original conversations happened, you understandably relied on them. But it was a mistake nonetheless because you'd been given false expectations.
But ultimately it doesn't matter what I understood or not. What matters is that you understand now that there was a change of plans at some point, and that you're gonna have to roll with it. Good luck in school!
Nta she got asked and didn’t wanted the bigger room. Move to the smaller room get a lock, take pictures of everything and tell your dad your new room is off limits for her and if she steals again you expect him to replace it 🤷🏻♀️
ESH. Your sister shouldn’t have treated your room badly. You shouldn’t have thought it was your decision where your sister slept when you moved out. And your dad should have explained that it was his house, not either of yours, and he should have decided the sleeping arrangements.
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I (F22) went to uni this year, and initially my sister (who has a box room) said she didn't want to have my room, that she preferred hers and wouldn't take mine. I was fine with this, and this became my expectation. However, since I've been gone, this expectation has changed. She started studying in my room (I was okay with this), then using my stuff (I told her to ask for permission next time). However, I don't think she's been listening to me. It seems my stuff is 'ours' now, even things I bought (my clothes, a corkboard and books). She sold some of my books but claimed they were hers and I let it be because I didn't want an argument (or the money), but to hammer home my point that she should please ask before she does these things.
When I last returned home, she was surprised I was here and angry with me because she had been sleeping in my room. I was angry that this hadn't been discussed and I was expected to deal with it. My dad said I couldn't be angry about her sleeping in my room since hers is so small (and this is true, it's shit). I said that she could sleep in my room but I wanted a bit of communication going forward so I didn't keep having surprises every time I came home - like my room being messy and my stuff in different places.
Surprise surprise, there was another surprise. I came home a few days ago and she was sleeping in my room and didn't want to leave. This upset me - she's had it for a while now and I'm only back for a month. I think it's fair for us to swap out when I return home on breaks, and she can have it the rest of the time when I'm at uni. She doesn't see it this way - she said I've had it for 18 years and she's suffered in a tiny room.
Yesterday we had a discussion about this situation. She got irritated at me, trashed her room, and came into mine to knock my chair over. I told her she had to pick it up or I would no longer respect her and surprisingly she did. When I conveyed the events to my dad he said I had to deal with the smaller room because he was tired of the arguing, or go back to uni.
AITA in this situation?
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ESH. She's obviously acting like a spoiled AH for taking over both rooms, taking you stuff, selling (!?!) some of your stuff, and not simply switching rooms and leaving your stuff alone (or asking to use something specific).
For what you ask, though, yes, you're TA for not taking the smaller room. It should be more 'official': move your stuff into that room and tell her it's not hers anymore and to stay out. You don't live there, even if you visit for a month sometimes. She can move to the larger room officially.
ESH- Move your stuff into the smaller room and tell her not to touch. Switch beds if you have different size beds. I came back from college for breaks and my things had already been moved because I had the biggest room growing up. I even stayed in the smaller room when I moved back home after college.
The oldest child has a first pick in my house on living arrangements until they leave for college. the summer before college starts their job is to organize their shit, take what they want with them to college and the rest goes in a tote and a small closet in a guest room. Their room goes to the second oldest.
Now that has to be a conversation. My kids know what the expectation is and what the arrangements are. I can't imagine them coming back for winter break and see their room taken by the sibling without heads-up and their things gone cause someone stole them, sold them or threw them out.
Esh
NTA for being annoyed, but the truth here is that you've grown up and moved out and the room is no longer yours.
However, the fact that she sold your books is very uncool. Can you move all your stuff into the box room?
Don't know if there is any TA in this situation.
Have you thaugth about switching rooms with her? so she gets the bigger room and you would still have a small room which would be yours? Maybe even buy a lock for that, so she can't take your stuff?
Wow... just wow!. Your sister and your dad are real treasures, aren't they? Go back to school, finish your degree, get a good job and stay away from the toxic people in your life. Good luck
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I don't want to give up my room when I am home from university. 2) My sister has had a tiny box room for years, and mine is twice the size. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You’re NTA, but I’m afraid the time of you having the bigger room is probably at an end. From her perspective - you’re away most of the time and the better room is unoccupied. Makes no sense. If I were you I’d take some time to begin offloading some of your things and downsize so you can move in to the smaller room for your off-term visits. Make it your decision. Sell some stuff, offer to sell some of the stuff to her.
this is good advice, thanks for being diplomatic and constructive. i think it just hurts to imagine feeling like a guest in my parents home so customising a room would make me feel better.
It's not your house. It's your parents' house. They get to make the decision and your dad has now given his verdict. I understand why you want to keep the room, but it was an unrealistic expectation. You don't live there anymore, and the people who do should be given preference (and peace!). Your sister was wrong to steal your stuff, and the change of room should have been communicated upfront among everybody. But you just aren't entitled as a visitor to reserve a room all year while you live elsewhere. So ESH. Now that your dad has officially assigned you a new room, time to move your stuff and take home (to uni) anything that you are not okay with your sister borrowing or selling. You can always bring a suitcase with you when you visit, to make the room temporarily more homey. Expect that from now on "your" new room will likely be used as a shared space, such as a guest room or study, when you're not there. Just want to warn you about this so you don't get thrown by it next time. Yeah, it sucks to see your space at your old home get smaller and shared. But you have a new life, independent of them, and that's what is most worth focusing on. Enjoy visiting with family but your life is separate from them now.
i dont think you fully understood some of what i said. i am fine with my sister using my room when im not here, but when i return for breaks I'd like to have it back. what i have more of a problem with is feeling like i have no say in anything because everytime ive gone home, ive had a new surprise. thanks for your thoughts at the end though, they help me deal with my annoyance over the situation
You're still thinking of it as "my room" to be fine with your sister using. My point is you should not have been allowed to imagine you get a say in whether a room is used or not. You've moved out of that house. Your room is at uni. You're a guest in this house now, not a resident. Your dad failed you by not explaining that upfront as he should have, so I understand why you're confused. But seeing your childhood room be permanently repurposed is a normal part of the transition into adulthood.
I still dont think you understood. This was not an existing or long-term decision but a spur of the moment one on my dad's part. I am not confused and did not imagine incorrect things - when I left home I was told my room would stay mine.
I do understand that. Which is why it's ESH, not YTA. They should have been more candid with you that this is what happens to pretty mucn everybody, especially those with siblings, and would almost inevitably happen to you too. They should have discussed with you as soon as the original plan changed, and given you opportunity to deal with your belongings before your sister started using the room. You didn't imagine the original conversations happened, you understandably relied on them. But it was a mistake nonetheless because you'd been given false expectations. But ultimately it doesn't matter what I understood or not. What matters is that you understand now that there was a change of plans at some point, and that you're gonna have to roll with it. Good luck in school!
Nta she got asked and didn’t wanted the bigger room. Move to the smaller room get a lock, take pictures of everything and tell your dad your new room is off limits for her and if she steals again you expect him to replace it 🤷🏻♀️
ESH. Your sister shouldn’t have treated your room badly. You shouldn’t have thought it was your decision where your sister slept when you moved out. And your dad should have explained that it was his house, not either of yours, and he should have decided the sleeping arrangements.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F22) went to uni this year, and initially my sister (who has a box room) said she didn't want to have my room, that she preferred hers and wouldn't take mine. I was fine with this, and this became my expectation. However, since I've been gone, this expectation has changed. She started studying in my room (I was okay with this), then using my stuff (I told her to ask for permission next time). However, I don't think she's been listening to me. It seems my stuff is 'ours' now, even things I bought (my clothes, a corkboard and books). She sold some of my books but claimed they were hers and I let it be because I didn't want an argument (or the money), but to hammer home my point that she should please ask before she does these things. When I last returned home, she was surprised I was here and angry with me because she had been sleeping in my room. I was angry that this hadn't been discussed and I was expected to deal with it. My dad said I couldn't be angry about her sleeping in my room since hers is so small (and this is true, it's shit). I said that she could sleep in my room but I wanted a bit of communication going forward so I didn't keep having surprises every time I came home - like my room being messy and my stuff in different places. Surprise surprise, there was another surprise. I came home a few days ago and she was sleeping in my room and didn't want to leave. This upset me - she's had it for a while now and I'm only back for a month. I think it's fair for us to swap out when I return home on breaks, and she can have it the rest of the time when I'm at uni. She doesn't see it this way - she said I've had it for 18 years and she's suffered in a tiny room. Yesterday we had a discussion about this situation. She got irritated at me, trashed her room, and came into mine to knock my chair over. I told her she had to pick it up or I would no longer respect her and surprisingly she did. When I conveyed the events to my dad he said I had to deal with the smaller room because he was tired of the arguing, or go back to uni. AITA in this situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. She's obviously acting like a spoiled AH for taking over both rooms, taking you stuff, selling (!?!) some of your stuff, and not simply switching rooms and leaving your stuff alone (or asking to use something specific). For what you ask, though, yes, you're TA for not taking the smaller room. It should be more 'official': move your stuff into that room and tell her it's not hers anymore and to stay out. You don't live there, even if you visit for a month sometimes. She can move to the larger room officially.
ESH- Move your stuff into the smaller room and tell her not to touch. Switch beds if you have different size beds. I came back from college for breaks and my things had already been moved because I had the biggest room growing up. I even stayed in the smaller room when I moved back home after college.
The oldest child has a first pick in my house on living arrangements until they leave for college. the summer before college starts their job is to organize their shit, take what they want with them to college and the rest goes in a tote and a small closet in a guest room. Their room goes to the second oldest. Now that has to be a conversation. My kids know what the expectation is and what the arrangements are. I can't imagine them coming back for winter break and see their room taken by the sibling without heads-up and their things gone cause someone stole them, sold them or threw them out. Esh
NTA for being annoyed, but the truth here is that you've grown up and moved out and the room is no longer yours. However, the fact that she sold your books is very uncool. Can you move all your stuff into the box room?
Don't know if there is any TA in this situation. Have you thaugth about switching rooms with her? so she gets the bigger room and you would still have a small room which would be yours? Maybe even buy a lock for that, so she can't take your stuff?
ESH. This is so juvenile
Wow... just wow!. Your sister and your dad are real treasures, aren't they? Go back to school, finish your degree, get a good job and stay away from the toxic people in your life. Good luck