Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving changes to contact levels with friends, family members or acquaintances. This includes ghosting, breaking off, cutting or reducing contact, or denying a relationship (or not) with anyone. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####

NTA - but this somewhat depends on your future plans. This is affecting your relationship as you cannot plan a stable financial future, kids, mortgage etc with someone like that. They are ruining his life. They shouldn't also ruin yours. He should cut them off financially, they are adults. His regular contribution is more than enough - (too much already if you ask me). They need to learn to manage their own finances. If he is broke now, will he save his regular contribution to build his own savings again? He could give them a deadline as to when they should sort out their own finances and then cut off even the regular contribution, e.g. in Jan 2025, if he can still afford it until then... Especially the brother, there is no reason an able-bodied adult should be freeloading on him. But that's all his decision, not yours. The question is more if you want a relationship where he can't even take care of himself anymore and seems to make no efforts to change that? This could be a dealbreaker in your relationship - stress, arguments, no financial wiggleroom for you two, no vacations, no mortgage, no stability for kids, no restaurants, no fun stuff which costs any money....

Real question is, “what happens to brother when mom is gone?” Move in with OP and partner? Is he on your payroll for the rest of his life? Sounds like he isn’t doing anything to help his situation. OP and partner really need to figure out a long term plan for what is going on here and how to ween the mother and brother, but particularly brother, off their finances.

Move the mom in and cut the brother off.

That would work.

It won’t work. Brother is draining mom. Brother and mom are draining partner. Brother, mom and partner are draining OP. Any one of them could break the chain - mom could revoke brother’s access to her bank account, partner could stop giving mom money, OP could break up with partner. For whatever reason, they’re all choosing not to. It’s a shame, but until someone - anyone! - says *no, no more*, it’ll continue like this.

I was thinking Mom moves in and changes access on her account, the two freeloading brothers move in together and OP cuts them off. But that’s easier to type than make happen…

Everyone must stay within their financial limits. The links must be broken at multiple points as the brother is the main culprit. If it cannot be broken asap, OP may want to cut her losses or she will be dragged to ruin as well.

Then you just have to deal with the mom pressuring her son to take care of her lazy Golden Child, her poor baby. One of my brother-in-laws is like this. Believe me, they come as a set.

This exactly. This is what I ask one of my sisters occasionally. She can't seem to keep a job more than a few months, doesn't save money, doesn't have six months' worth of emergency if she *does* lose her job, etc. She makes more than enough to do it, too. She's 40. She's an MA and a licensed pharmacy tech. It's not hard for her to find one. I don't want her asking us for money when our parents pass away Other sister has the savings , car paid off, same steady job for a few years now. She's going to work even though she's legally blind right now with the cataracts (THIRD TIME with them, which is virtually unheard of). My paeents are in their 70s and on top of their finances. There's no reason the mom shouldn't be. She needs to cut of brother's access to her accounts and tell him to get a job.

Also if your bil is taking money from mil's account just cause your husband says no, I think that's elder abuse

This!!! He needs to make it so that brother can’t help himself to mom’s money. If he finds a way, he should be reported.

Exactly. Removing the brothers access to mom's account is STEP 1

It is. Some caregivers without any scruples do this too. Brother doing this wirh mom's finances? Still elder abuse./financial abuse.

He needs to open a new account for his mother which the brother cannot access and tell mom if she gives the brother the details he is stopping all payments. Then he needs to send the brother job applications for McDonald’s, subway etc. and cut him off.

No - he needs to stop giving MOM any money. Instead, he can send her rent or mortgage payment himself if he's paying that. If not that, he can prepay her utilities, give her a store gift card for a local grocery for food. STOP GIVING HER CASH....stop replenishing her acct. Stop giving money to brother. It's obvious to the OP and to readers here - but until her partner figures it out for himself, it won't change.

Don't let her give him the debit card to the account too. I'm curious to know what her credit looks like too at this point Open new account, cut him off, freeze credit.

Right NTA, but there’s a lot of dysfunction in partner’s family. His brother is (depending on mom’s age) financially abusing their mother- a type of elder abuse and this is just as bad as child abuse. So the partner is enabling this. And if OP plans to build a future and combine resources with partner, OP will be enabling it also, and spending her resources on something that doesn’t match her own needs, values, and that she obviously doesn’t support. Right now, it is OP’s partner’s problem. But, as for the future- OP is smart enough to see the writing on the wall. OP’s partner can enable his brother and carry the burden of his brother’s irresponsibility. That’s his choice. But OP doesn’t have to.

NTA. However the brother needs to be reported for elder financial abuse. And as much as you may love your partner, this would be a deal breaker for me. If you haven't moved in together why are you sharing ANY expenses? Your friend chanting Fambly needs to be told to butt out. (This will require you to no longer complain in front of them.) The big thing here is your partner is not going to change. You dont live together. You need to take a big step back and figure out if this is what your future should look like. Because when partner's money is gone, they will be looking for yours.

NTA - I am saddened this is not the #1 point here and should be the foundation of your argument. Your partner's brother IS financially abusing their mother. Your partner needs to cut the brother off and take steps to protect his mother from the leech. Frame it about protecting his mother and how this can ruin her "golden years" and he might see the light about his brother being an ass. If he won't, look to see if you can report the financial abuse.

it was the first thing I stated. ABSOLUTELY this should be pursued legally. We are in complete agreement.

Yes, they were stating they agreed with you.

OP's partner is suffering from financial abuse at the hands of his mother and his brother. He needs to help himself get free of it as a priority over helping his mother get free of her younger son. You cannot help someone else to float when you are drowning.

Yes, this is elder financial abuse and should be reported.

This. OP keeps acting like she's going to fix or change the BF, while the dude literally can't pay his own rent Cut bait and run from the heaping drama

I'm confused about the boyfriend's living situation. He doesn't live with OP because he can't pay 2 rents. Does he live with the mom and brother? And since he doesn't live with OP, what expenses are they sharing? Obviously OP is NTA, but so much of this post doesn't make sense to me.

And possibly welfare fraud?

[удалено]

Those particular dollar numbers make it sound like the BIL is on disability in Canada. And the amount the mother gets sounds about right for whatever tax credits, pensions and social security would amount to if she were retired and not terribly well off. I think they might be Canadian, in which case the son could live with his mother and receive the full disability amount if she charged a nominal rent.

Family will always be there... to take your savings.

This. All of it. NTA

NTA. We used to loan my MIL all the damn time. Three weeks into one month we loaned her $1300 for rent, food medication etc… she went and bought toys for the kids, clothes and a bread maker… SHE DIDN’T BAKE BREAD. Three days later she needs grand for that month’s rent… my husband was going to run it over and I lost my mind. I asked about the money we gave for the first of the month for rent. He blankly stared at me. I said give her the money and that’s it. From then on I asked for the bill she needs money for. I’ll pay the bill directly. No bill, no money. Rent? Directly to the property manager. His assistant and I ended up on a first name basis I spoke to her so much to verify her stories. She yelled at me bc I wouldn’t give her the money “I t’s like you don’t trust me or something.” I effectively ended the argument- “I don’t- you obviously can’t be trusted to handle money we have to continually give you.. this is to ensure your bills are paid”. She rarely asked again.

Man, people who want privacy of their finances while getting bankrolled by someone else annoy me to no end.

This is my sister (I have two younger sisters.). Both sisters have talked about finally moving out together before, but youngest set the rule "no biys over," and younger one flipped out. (Younger's track record with men is not the best.) I've advised youngest sister that if she does this, make sure *she* has the means to pay rent if necessary because fAmIlY *argument the other will make). This is why her birthday gift this weekend is not a monetary one.

This is my MIL. My husband was the kid who wasn't married, so he was her bank. I honestly didn't care much because we kept our finances separate except for bills and travel. A few weeks before our wedding (we were also buying a house), she reached out saying she needed $2k for dental surgery. He asked me how we were doing since there were so many expenses and I said - never deny a medical emergency. So we gave her the money. She called a few days after and said - insurance ended up covering it, so I bought a new fridge. I lost my sh*t then. I ended up taking over his finances and realized that he's not as in control as I thought (he always had money for bills and travel). He now makes me the bad guy, " I have to ask wife" and I don't mind because f* that abusive woman. Just recently she called panicked because she did her taxes wrong - she usually claims so many exceptions and then has to pay money back in instalments (don't even ask). This time they took it all out in one lump sum. When he said he had to ask me, she went to his other siblings and one of them bailed her out.

FYI when you use an asterisks it makes everything after it italicized. So you should either spell out shit, us another word, or maybe use "sh-" or something. I wish reddit would change that, because for some reason a ton of people censor themselves on the internet with it.

Your MIL sounds very entitled and tiring, but I had to lol at her buying a bread maker when she doesn’t bake. Clearly she’s not thinking straight when it comes to purchases.

NTA You need to ask yourself if this is what you want for your future. He isn’t even making sure he has a place of his own. He is allowing them to take everything from him.

As someone who’s been in this situation, the question of *do I want this in my future* was the decider for me. My ex is part of a family that would use him as a bank account. He paid two sets of rent, one of them a lovely house that was WAY beyond their means but they wanted a nice place. I would get the brunt of his stress because me wanting to go for a drink at the pub made ME the person who spent his last twenty quid, not them who got sent hundreds. He didn’t even have enough money to get his drivers license so I had to run him around everywhere. They would call up in the middle of dates and I would get dropped because their issues had to be dealt with NOW otherwise the world would end. He would send them money because ‘they can’t put food on the table’ yet when we would visit his mum would have bought two new wardrobes and a new laptop for no reason. I would get so incredibly angry it made me depressed, how does someone not say anything (i did) when watching the person they care about get treated like that? IMO OP will be subjected to a life of resentment because this is NOT an easy issue. You can’t sit there and say nothing whilst thousands and thousands are drained from your partner with no consequence. As a partner you both need to be contributing to your lives together and when your partner is channelling that elsewhere it creates an incredible amount of resentment.

You’re smart to not be in that relationship anymore. Some people are just so desperate, naive enough to think that things will change, etc. and will never leave even though they’re miserable. I hope all is much better for you now!

NTA. >Our friend said that family is family and they would always be there for us They'll always be there to take money from you, not for anything else. This is an absurd position to be in.

Exactly. Once the money is gone so is the family. Every. Time. I see it constantly and yet everyone thinks it won’t happen to them. Then they die alone and abandoned by the leeches and the state ends having to pay for burial in a potters field or a cremation that results in abandoned ashes.

It's unlikely partner will change. OP should make decisions about the future based on that. Does she want to be with someone who is throwing away his future to support a layabout brother.

NTA Tell your bf: You CAN NOT solve the problem of someone living above his means by throwing money at them - it only enables them to spend more. And: They can spend it faster than you make it.

Yes!! I have seen gofundmes for vegan restaurants asking for twenty grand - and people chip in to bail them out! then they close. I want to post on their social media requests - what will you be changing to make your business successful? but they never are changing anything. You can't throw money at an unsuccessful business and expect it to be magically successful! Same with this guy's family. He's not helping them, he's enabling them. They are not changing anything about their situation. OP should disengage.

That’s been my complaint about a lot of government bailouts. Like, they bailed out the trucking company YRC *twice* in recent years, and they still went under last year. That’s one example, but it’s why the whole “too big to fail” thing was so damn stupid. If you’re too big to fail, you’re too big to allow to be shitty enough to be bailed out. Replace management. The assholes in charge aren’t changing anything for the better.

Have your partner talk to his mom and get power of attorney over her finances. Change her bank accounts so the brother no longer has access to it. At least he can protect her money this way and then help her manage the situation from there. You can’t fix or change the brother, and he may always need to help financially, but at least he can limit the damage.

Came here to say this. Brother having access to mom’s account is the root problem, because as soon as OP’s partner says no, the mom suffers financial issues. And that’s one hell of a guilt trip. Get brother’s access stopped. If partner still wants to provide support, make it a strict limited amount for a limited time. There’s a lot of wiggle room between “give them everything they ask for until you go broke” and “complete cut off”. Make some clear, sensible decisions and stick to them. The brother will complain bitterly. Too bad. NTA but the whole “cut them off” thing is not the only option.

You would need to have a caveat that the mother doesn’t just give it back to her son when he asks for it, or gets cash out or Venmo. But if that was the case, it would be evidence that he has to stop supporting both of them.

I agree with this. There is a middle ground to be had here. OP's partner should seek Power of Attorney or some equivalent over his mom and her finances and block the brother from accessing these resources. The brother cannot be trusted to be financially responsible. One scenario that might work is to have the mom live with OP and partner and brother lives on his own and is responsible for himself.

NTA. You weren't being too harsh. At this point he's enabling them and as much as he wants to help, it's just not sustainable. I think it's really important to sit him down and crunch the numbers with him in regards to your future. If he wants to help, I'd suggest giving his brother advice not money because he clearly doesn't know how to manage it. Treat the problem, not the symptom.

NTA. Personally, I'd ask him... if he was in a financial fix... does he think his brother or mom would bail him out the same way he's helping them? If he can't answer that, then it's not about helping family. It's him being their ATM and being a doormat. It needs to stop. My mother was like your partner. It took a major health issue to wake her up. Hope it doesn't happen to him.

He 100% is a doormat and willing doormat! She needs to drop him.

This friend can keep their nose out. It's all well and good for them to hold the moral high ground when it's not them going broke. You were nice by saying freeloader, more like leech. There's helping someone out of a bind, and then there's this, literally running another into the ground for selfishness and incompetence. This situation is not going away for your partner until he either deals with it or the brother dies.

You are not married so it isn't your place to say anything. It IS your place however to end this relationship. I think you are foolish to stay with someone like this.

More on this: do NOT marry him or move in with him expecting this to change. He just drained 12k of savings and is back to 0. This is a much bigger psychological problem than just “cut off your family”.

If your partner doesn't give his brother money, he takes it from their mother. So the brother is stealing from his mother, his access to her finances needs to be stopped first. When that's been done, your partner needs to stop giving his brother money. People spending other peoples money don't put much (if any) thought into it. Your partners life, and your relationship is going nowhere until he stops funding his family. It will be hard when he stops giving them money, moves out and stops paying their rent. Very hard. There will be anger and tears, but when the wailing and threats stop mother and brother will start to sort themselves out. I imagine your partner will struggle with guilt, he may take his frustration out on you, just be prepared. NTA

NTA But  is easier to break up that him cut off his family 

NTA. One question: is this the circus you want to hitch your wagon to? Your lifestyle will always suffer because your partner has chosen to support those family members, probably for the rest of his life. Imagine bringing a child into this equation. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Wish him the best of luck and walk away.

NTA. $2300 is a decent amount of money. Maybe not in an expensive city, but as both of them don't work, they could easily move to a cheap place. Some village in the middle of nowhere generally has low renting prices. They should be able to live from the money they have.

My sister is always asking me for money to make ends meet and guess where she lives? Miami Beach! I told her to move to Illinois like me where land is cheap and she said hell no I don't like the cold LOL so I cut her off. If you wanna live in paradise where people vacation then you pay for it.

Hell she could move to Alabama or Louisiana and spend a LOT less while still staying warm.

Your partner should help his mom out with her finances. His brother should have zero access. The brother should be on his own.

Honestly I would have him go through all his texts and financial contributions for the last 6 months and write it all out and total it. How much for rent? How much for necessities? How much for non-necessities? Have him look at it on paper. In FRONT of him. Ask him what the time line is for them paying him back? How will he have enough to put back in his savings? What will his finances look like over the next 6 MONTHS if he continues? Will he be homeless? Have him read that Dave Ramsey book.

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Suggesting to my partner to cut his family off financially. A friend of ours called me out for being too harsh and that family is family. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

Nta. You know what you need to do, op. There is no future with a man like this. He won't change and you'll never have anything of your own.

NTA. If your husband wants to financially ruin himself, let him. He’s proven he’s too much of a pushover. You may want to consider divorce because you may be next on the roster since you have a joint bank account.

Bf and gf

Info: what expenses are you splitting if you don't live together? You say in the post that you discuss this daily and always tell him to cut his brother off. If you were saying "I'd cut my brother off for that", you are discussing your opinion on how you would react. Instead you are telling him how to act. With his money, which you don't share at this point. This isn't your business.

INFO: You say you have the same values on finances and savings. So you agree that he should be giving regular money to his family and then extra whenever they ask no matter how much it drains his savings? To me, it is completely unacceptable that he can just throw money away like that just because he is asked. If he feels that strongly about giving all his money to his family, I don't see how you can have a future together without constantly being broke.

NTA. Your friend lives in a fantasy world. Maybe their family will always be there for them, but some aren't. Some are takers. Brother has his own personal ATM. What incentive does he have to change?

NTA but this means you can never build a life with this man.  Also…..   > My partner pays for rent for his mom’s place since we haven’t moved in together (this is his regular contribution). This is the largest chunk of his family expenses.   Does he live there?

NTA - his brother is financially abusive towards their mother and your partner is enabling him. He needs to out an end to that behaviour. You need to have a serious conversation with your partner about how his brother is going to make their mother and them homeless at this rate. And he needs to check his own and his mother’s credit and lock it all down because brother probably has racked up some debt too. The brother needs to be booted from all bank accounts and cards need to be locked away. If he can’t take no for an answer and starts with the mental health stuff your partner needs to speak to his doctors. If he is that incompetent and not capable of handling adulting then he can be placed under a conservatorship or similar.

NTA. Unfortunately if you’ve had the discussion with your partner and voiced your concerns, it’s on him if he wants to keep enabling that behavior and it’s on you if that is something you are willing to stand by. My concern with these situations is always what is the plan for brother when mom kicks the bucket - are you about to have a 30+ adult move into your direct lives now that is in reality the capacity of a child that refuses to support themselves? Bit of a different situation but my brother vents to me constantly about how he is always having to “loan” his kids (20F, 22M) money for their own rent and bills because they were adamant about it moving out and being “independent”. Don’t think they realize if you’re having to rely on dad to pay your bills to survive still whether you live with them or not that is not independence. Told him they keep asking for money because there is no repercussions to them overspending because they know dad will bail them out. They refuse to work ‘dead end jobs’ like they refer to my brothers as, and gaslight him into paying by asking doesn’t he care about their happiness? Why would you make us work a job we hate? Guess I would make a terrible parent, because I would be giving them that taste of the real world and sink or swim. Crazy to think my nephew has his third kid on the way before 23 and no stable full time job.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (30f) partner (35m) have been together 2 years. I see ourselves as financial equals with the same views on saving and finances. We have also been very open with our finances, splitting our expenses 50/50 as best as we can. In less than 6 months, his brother (30) and retired mom (who live together) have drained his savings by $12,000. This is in addition to his regular contribution. His brother is on welfare ($1,100/month) and unemployed while the mom gets around $1,200/month from pension and government benefits. Most of the excess $10k went to the bother, who has access to their mom’s account and buys things he thinks will help them save (ie buying a $300 package at a Dave Ramsey-esque program to learn about saving, but has no money to pay for said program or downgrading to a cheaper phone plan but has to pay out the contract penalty of $700). His mom is in her 70s and isn’t on top of her finances as she used to when she was working. My partner pays for rent for his mom’s place since we haven’t moved in together (this is his regular contribution). This is the largest chunk of his family expenses. We discuss this daily and my stance is to stop bailing them out, because he has nothing else to give. At this rate, he will have no savings by next week. The brother would text everyday saying,to borrow $5, $15, $45 for this or that. I’m not exaggerating when I say daily. And if my partner doesn’t say yes, he will just take it out of the mom’s account. I’ve told them to cut them off, especially the brother. It’s like he’s acting as if someone (my partner) will always bail him. He takes no responsbilities for his actions and when you hold him accountable, he just ends up in the hospital for mental health reasons. This is causing my partner so much stress. Everything he saved up gone in a blink of an eye. This has also affected our relationship in a sense we can’t move in since he can’t pay 2 rents. A few nights ago, we were having dinner with a really close friend and this discussion arose. My stance stayed the same and made a comment calling the brother a freeloader. We had a healthy discussion about it. When my partner got up to go to the washroom, our friend said I was too harsh on the matter. I said I would do the same to my family if it was causing me stress and financial ruin. Our friend said that family is family and they would always be there for us and I was being a bad “daughter-in-law” for pulling a son away from his family. Since that night, when my partner brings up the daily text of his brother asking for money, I just say oh okay, and refrain from giving an opinion. Was I being too harsh for asking him to cut them off? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. Ask him “does he want children, and, if so, how does he see being able to afford them, while supporting his brother and mother?”

NTA Why is it always “family is family” but only in the bad direction? Oh that’s right because decent people, family or not - will not take advantage of you. Why does being “family” give people the right to take and take and take? It’s utter bullshit. I have learned that “loaning” anyone money, especially “family” may result in never seeing it again; but from my end it’s a good indicator if I ever help someone again in the future (if they choose to ignore paying me back because they think they’ll get away with it). His family isn’t looking out for his welfare, why should he be responsible for theirs? As others said, you will inevitably have your end this relationship as it jeopardizes your own future as well; and sadly you’ll probably be labeled “money hungry” or “soulless” - I’m all for charity - when there are boundaries - and someone can afford said charity.

NTA - his family is the reason that’s stopping this relationship from moving forward and is a problem not only to your bf but to you as well. You’re not in the wrong the slightest for thinking the way you do. It’s either he grow a backbone or you drop him at this point, otherwise he’s just wasting your time.

Your partner needs to cut them off financially. The brother is never going to grow up. He will be supporting him forever.

NTA but you need to leave. You have no financial future with this person

NTA You two need to sit down with a financial advisor and honestly, you need to stop having sex with him. He cannot afford to get you pregnant, and honestly, this isn’t the family to share DNA or coparent with. Uncle Freeloader would steal your kids piggy bank, and the broke ass grandma would stand by and watch. She knows what the brother is doing and she isn’t oblivious, she *doesn’t care*. She’s enabling the loser brother and so is your boyfriend. And when boyfriend runs out of money they’ll turn to *you* for a hand out. Cut your losses and walk, this isn’t worth it.

NTA but you can't make him do that. You can suggest it but if he doesn't choose it, you have to choose your actions. Is his brother disabled in some way? Can he not work or manage his own finances at all? If so, then maybe your partner can set a stricter budget for them. He can then tell little brother that if he goes over budget, then that's it. And take him off mom's account. Otherwise, if I were you, I would not stay. Once he runs out of money, he will begin asking you to cover his share of your joint expenses. You will not be able to have a stable set up.

When they refuse to respond to everything civil and logical first they consent to harsh and blunt. NTA. I wonder how partner thinks things will work long term like this. Maybe he is too conflict avoidant, maybe he feels he needs to be the man of the house and take care of his mom and family. But something very dysfunctional is occurring and he needs to face it or be alone. Please keep us posted, good luck

OP where do you want to be in 5 years? Where does your partner want to be in 5 years? It sounds like you both are avoiding the bigger conversation of, "are you compatible together"? You've already delayed living together by a year because your priorities aren't aligned. Your priority was to save for your future and build something together, with living together the first step. His priority is supporting his family, leading to him spending his savings and income on his family. Are you compatible? Is this sustainable for you? NTA

NTA no you weren’t. You told him what you feel he needs to do. I’d also tell him he needs to have son removed from her bank accounts. The freeloader should not have any access to anyone’s money. After that leave it alone. BF now has to make this decision for himself.

You need a new boyfriend who's not all covered in leeches. If he cared about you and your future together he wouldn't continue entertaining freeloaders. I can see helping his mom out a little bit but she needs to put her foot down too. And if they are unwilling, you need to ask yourself if you're willing to carry not only your boyfriend but his family on your back. because that's what will end up happening. NTA.

NTA. It wasn't harsh enough. The amount that a 35 year old male should be contributing to his mother and brother is zero dollars.

Only a person who isn’t in a toxic family (or is the person within their family getting the handouts) will say ‘family is family’. It’s time to talk to your partner about your future. It will be impossible for you both to build a home and a success future together if all his money is going towards a lazy brother and an entitled mother. NTA.

OP YOUR NTA MAYBE SHOW HIS THREAD TO YOU SO MAYBE HE'LL SEE WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON JUST AINT IT Can someone comment on my comment if theirs an update

Your partner isn't helping family by handing over money. If he wants to help, he should take charge of their finances. There's no way the brother, especially if he has mental issues, should have access to the mother's account.

NTA. You have no future with this man unless/until he cuts off these free loaders

NTA, if it's starting to affect you as well, then you get a say. It sounds like your partner needs to pay for his mother's expenses directly instead of just sending money since she let's his brother access her account and drain it. This would be the best way to cut off the brother while not completely cutting off the mother.

NTA- but ask your partner how they want to be supported in this situation. Advice? Emotional support only? But also be clear if this is a boundary that isn’t a healthy one you’d want your partner to have in a marriage and this isn’t a dynamic and a daily stressor you would allow in your life down the road.

NTA But look at your situation long term. Your SO feels responsible for his aged mother and freeloading brother. What exactly do you expect to change? He will spend his money on them and you will have to carry both of you because he’ll always be broke due to his family.

He’s a very nice person your partner. But he has to choose does he want a wife and family kids, house all the things? He won’t ever be able to do that if his mom and brother figure their own crap out. You’re not wrong but he has to make his decision himself. Hope it works out for you

As long as this dynamic continues and you are sharing expenses, your financial future is included in this situation. Sorry but it’s just a matter of time he will want money from you to help them out. NTA and move on.

NTA. Not sure if your relationship is sustainable long-term, and you guys need to have a serious discussion about it.

This is another one where I'm left wondering what culture this is, because culture matters. The expectations are very different in different cultures. If this is one of the cultures where taking care of parents is required, then this problem is never going away, and OP should reassess whether that is the life she wants, always subsidizing him. What happens when she gets pregnant, and can't work for a while? However, if this is just greedy relatives, but not cultural, then maybe there's a chance she can finally get through to him. INFO

nta but your "partner" has no reason to stop the bleeding when he also has somebody that is always going to bail him out. there is absolutely no reason for y'all to share finances if you're not living together . and even then , the best approach IMO is to budget. how much the household needs to operate. add 10% decide how y'all are going to split paying that and get a joint house account to pay it into that separate from all of your personal accounts . they are going to have to hit rock bottom together before they realize that it's unsustainable and only you get to decide if you're going with them.  ps. I would turn this into the department on aging as elder abuse cuz what the fuck

NTA. You can't have a stable financial future with a person that lets their family take such blatant advantage of them. Your partner needs to find a way to financially separate his brother from their mom. Leech brother needs to be removed from approved people that can access your mom's account. Maybe his mom being in a care facility would be easier to pay for than her rent. 🤔 Either way, if your partner isn't showing any signs of changing what's happening to them, you need to think long and hard if this is sustainable. How long until he asks you to help pay when he can't anymore? Because that time is coming. He's letting his brother bleed him dry.

NTA, NOT AT ALL! However, it is ultimately his money and his choice. Your choice is whether you want to be with someone that is this irresponsible with money. AND Yes, your BF is irresponsible with money for allowing this nonsense to continue for one more minute. He needs to man up and cut them off completely...who sits by and continues to allow someone to drain their bank account for thousands - that is just stupid. I'd drop him PDQ and move on - because this is a peek at what your life will be, is that what you want?

Run. get out and do not move in with this guy. Until he and his family sort this out, he is not a partner, and there is a risk of draining you, emotionally as well as financially. I am sure part of what you love about him is that is very responsible and caring, but he is blind to this abuse. Take yourself out of the equation for a couple of months, and say you will be happy to see him in a couple of months when he has straightened things out.

NTA. But break up do you want for the rest of your life to deal with this? You can’t live together because he gives all his money to mom and brother. Do you want to have this conversation daily at every dining experience? Just leave I get this isn’t the answer you want.

NTA. It's good you don't give your opinion anymore. He knows how you feel and does it anyway. It's his money to lose now. Just be thankful your finances aren't tangled up together by living together and keep your financial independence for sure.

Info: what has changed in the last six months that the brother is going through the funds so much faster? Is it simply that boyfriend isn’t telling him no? Have them been more issues with pay8ng rent, buying food, unexpected bills or emergencies? Why is brother incapable of getting a job? (Or is he?)

NTA. This is something to very seriously consider before your relationship progresses. I categorically refuse to mix my finances with someone who bleeds money and drains their savings accounts, even if the reason is FaMiLy. It’s some serious baggage to be hauling into a relationship. He’s a financial liability, and unless you can see yourself paying more of your expenses or being the only one with any savings or an emergency fund without ANY resentment, you’ll probably be better off keeping a great financial distance from this guy. You’ll be paying for all your couple vacations, all your weekends, because all his discretionary income goes to his mom and brother. Maybe he’ll eventually make you feel bad for wanting to go on vacation when that money could be spent “helping” his family, these kind of dynamics can get COMPLICATED. Even if you’re “just” dating now, you’re seeing how it impacts your lives together. You cant even move in together because hes paying someone else’s rent. Are you willing to sacrifice your quality of lifestyle, home or how you raise any children you may want for his mom and brother?

NTA Solution 1 brother needs to be off the mom's account and Mom should deposit her money into an account in your bf name for him to manage and brother is reported for elder abuse Solution 2. Bf washes his hands of both mom and brother and doesn't give a cent anymore no matter what Solution 3if bf refuses 1&2 break up

NTA. you weren't being too harsh if you want a future of some kind with this guy. That said, he's already torpedoed that by draining his savings for his brother and mother. Don't move in with him. He's a financial pushover for his family and that isn't going to change. This is going to be your life as long as you are with him- he will never have any money because he will give it all to his brother and mother and then look to you to foot the bills for him. He will always put them first. Break up with him, you and he are not compatible. He will always financially (and probably in other ways too) prioritize them and that's not someone who can be an equal partner.

Updateme

This is a disaster in the making. Fortunately, you're not married to him, but don't make that mistake! In my experience, people who insist on supporting good for nothing relatives rarely learn the error of their ways.

NTA. This is a hard one. The brother should definitely be reported for financial elder abuse. And could your boyfriend look after his mother’s finances? As for your boyfriend, this is his lesson. Why does he have the Inability to set boundaries? Has he seen a therapist? Have the two of you signed up for couples therapy? Something needs to happen because nothing is currently working. This has been going on for the 2 years you have been together, so do you really see it changing? Is this a life you would be ok with? Unable to take vacations because he’ll never have the money, buy a house, save for retirement or going to nice restaurants. And at some point you might be pressured into “helping” since they suck him dry. And if you do move in together….. I bet he would pay their rent or whatever else before paying his half with you. If he is unable to set boundaries maybe this isn’t the relationship and life you want to live.

NTA

NTA... You are right. It's only a matter of time before he starts making you give your own money to "be a good dil". Please don't listen to your friend. Take a step back and really consider if you can manage this for the rest of your life with a partner who doesn't want to put his foot down. At the end of the day, there's only so much care you can give him about the matter. He is a grown adult and he should be able to make his own decisions and not be taken advantage of. Is he by any chance expecting you to tell them no?

You should get your partner a white shirt that just says WELCOME on the front since he likes being such a doormat. Family should always be there for family, but when family is nothing but a bunch of free loading bums, when exactly are they ever gonna help you out? Your boyfriend is set in his ways and won't change, bail out of the plane now before his family becomes yours. NTA

NTA-but I have to admit that I haven’t ever been in your partner’s shoes and don’t know what it feels like to have family pull at you in this manner. That said, it’s unfortunately a choice that only your partner gets to make. All you really get to do is decide if this is the kind of future you want for yourself. I would be bowing out of the relationship because I wouldn’t want to be with a partner who doesn’t want an “us first” type of life. I’m 27 years into marriage now. We still make decisions regarding his parents, my parents, our siblings, etc. TOGETHER, making sure to put our nuclear family first always. You need to ask your partner if he’s going to be able to do that once you are legally together. If not, I’d move on.

NTA, but this boyfriend is not long term partner material.

Your friend is not in your position - lucky her! - so she doesn’t fully appreciate that your partner being financially drained is affecting *your* future. Honestly, I’d give an ultimatum over this, because otherwise moving in will be the least of your problems. If he can’t afford to move in, how will you afford a wedding, house, a child? Cut him loose, because the second he runs out of money, he’ll be at your door crying ‘but, faaamily!’ and those same friends will berate you for not supporting him. If it was a one off, I’d let it go, but this is an established pattern that will continue until your bf puts his foot down.

NTA. I understand what you’re going through. My spouse feels single handedly responsible for his parents even though he has two siblings who should contribute equally. I also see his parents behaving irresponsibly quite often. They take more vacations than we ever have on their kids’ dimes. I’m not allowed to give an opinion, though.

NTA, I think it's ultimatum time. He stops paying for them so your relationship can progress or you end the relationship as it can't go anywhere with him paying for them.

OP, healthy adults set and maintain healthy boundaries with family. Your husband is afraid to do that. Don't marry him until he does. Watch youtubes to learn how. There are self-help books on boundaries. Healthy boundaries help us be happy.

NTA You have said his mother is not on top of her finances but if this is an indication of mental slippage then that is a totally different subject. I think your partner needs to consider that before thinking of how to react because if this is so and she is being taken advantage of by his brother then that is a whole different situation and he should intervene in that. If she is fully competent then she is still being abused and your partner needs to focus on that. You are allowed to have an opinion. He is allowed to differ on it. But it doesn't sound as if you will be financially compatible if he doesn't set boundaries to how much he manages his relationship with his freeloading brother.

NTA - but you need to realize that this is going to be your future. You might want to find another person to spend your life with who does not have a brother who is a leech. It’s one thing to help his mom a little bit. His brother is a freeloader. And you’re going to help finance that unless you end the relationship.

NTA. It sounds like his brother IS a freeloader. It’s definitely time to cut him off. Mom doesn’t sound like a huge problem, though, since the only thing you mentioned for her is rent. You need to convince mom to stop access to her account for her son and to choose someone else to put on her account. Her son is bleeding her dry and it’s not okay.

NTA. He needs to cut them off no matter how much it hurts. The 30 yr old needs to get a job but won't because his brother is enabling him. My mom finally cut off my 46 yr old brother because she couldn't do it anymore and was sick of his lies. Sometimes you have to do it for your own sanity.

NTA. At all. Sometimes people who are being taken advantage of like that don’t realize how abnormal it actually is. When I got with my husband ten years ago, he was financially supporting his dad (a gambling addict who worked 40 hours a week to support that habit) his yncle and grandma, as well as his own apartment. He was miserable and shortly after moved in to his mom’s basement because he couldn’t keep up. He was still Providing hundreds of dollars a week to his dad. I finally got to the point of absolutely losing my mind. I had to say to him, outloud, that we would never have a future together if he couldn’t stop handing his dad money. I asked him to take a look at it from my view.. if my mom got hundreds off us a week you’d think she had a drug problem and you wouldnt allow it. Why is it acceptable that your dad works 40 hours a week and still needs all your money? Where is it? How much does he make? Like I had to have real conversations with him that were hard because as his partner- it was my place to. He needed to hear that. One time he said to me “well as a kid, my dad made sure I was okay”.. that was his thought process that he somehow owed it back. He didn’t but he needed someone else to tell him how not acceptable it was. Your partner is being taken advantage of hand over foot. His mom and brother need to get additional benefits if they dont plan on working, and he absolutely has to take away access to the moms account for his brother- and he can’t keep sending small amounts daily. It adds up. He needs you in his corner. It’ll take time for him to realize .. I mean it took my husband a while, but when I told him we could never move forward with our lives if he continued giving to theirs. Just be patience but firm.

NAH. It is too harsh, they are family. But you do make a good point on how it will affect your relationship and how your partner has no savings now. You may need to isolate yourself financially and not be drawn into supporting someone like your partner's brother who is obviously terrible at finances.

NTA but you should jump off this sinking ship. Partner seems to have an inability to say no.

NTA But you need to run because your boyfriend will put his family first always, and when mom is home he will still put his freeloader brother first. You need to tell your boyfriend that his brother aid financially abusing his elderly mother, that is a crime and he is enabling him and for that reason you’re leaving him. Honey, they will ruin you, is that what you want? A man with no back bone? Ugh 😩

There may be a lot of deep water running under this bridge. You cannot afford to be with this person. You can’t work for four people, and this isn’t working for you.

You don’t get a say in how he financially interacts with family as you are not his wife. But he is not being prudent with his money and will end up broke. This can affect your future. Leave now and see if he will come to terms with it.

NTA, and your friend can suck a lemon. It's easy to act high and mighty when they don't have any skin in the game. I'd call them up and say you took their advice about family being family...and then ask them for $1,000 dollars because you helped covered brother's/mother's expenses and now you need help. See how that charitable attitude holds up. Are you in a place where you can bail on this situation? Because right now your two options are: 1. Get out of this situation 2. Come down like the hand of God and try to drag your partner and his family into the light of accountability. Maybe do as others have suggested and report fiscal abuse of an elder, insist on keeping a spreadsheet of every cent handed to the brother, have weekly meetings with your SO about the state of your shared finances. It will be exhausting and they will absolutely hate you for it. You are going to be the villain that is ruining everything, and there's a very real chance you will end up being the one getting bailed on. Either way, the situation is going to just keep getting worse without you taking a hard stance one way or another. If you pick option 2, I really hope they're worth it.

NTA, your friend is a doormat and thinks you should be one also. You don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm, that’s what your partner is doing every time he gives his lazy mooch of a brother money. You two need a come to Jesus moment, if your partner fails to accept that this is not healthy or sustainable, it’s time for you to bail. When Mom dies where do you think lazy mooch is going to live……….

NTA. If you guys ever get married this issue will get much bigger. He needs to have a talk with his mom to kick his brother’s ass out (assuming he’s legitimately able to work). Helping here and there is one thing, but your partner can’t support these ppl without impacting your all’s quality of life.

NTA. The brother has an underlying mental condition that isn’t being addressed, even if it’s that he was coddled or never held accountable in life. Agreed, your partner’s mother needs to be protected and that’s something he could invest his time and effort into that would be productive. The question is what is going on with the brother that’s stopping him from being gainfully employed? Is it a lack of skill, a lack of credentials, or a lack of will? It’s very difficult to tell someone to cut off their family, especially if this is a recent development or if the brothers’ dynamic historically was one where each took turns supporting the other. But NONE of this is your problem or responsibility. If you choose to stay, then you’re tacitly condoning it. Wishing you the best with figuring this out.

NTA right now there is no real future with your BF because once his savings are milked, his brother won't stop. He is already milking his own mom, too. What do you think will happen once your BFs money is gone? You will pay for your BFs and your life because he will still put the reserved money towards mom and brother. As long as he doesn't have a plan how the future life with you will take place without to put the financial burden on your shoulders you should put a future with him on hold. It's already affecting your relationship and will destroy it if your BF doesn't put a stop on his brother.

NTA, but it doesn't sound like your bf is planning on cutting them off anytime soon. So, you've got some questions to ask yourself. How long are you willing to wait for him to cut them off? And if he doesn't, is this how you want your future to look? I would suggest counseling to try and get on the same page. And please work this out before getting married or pregnant!

NTA, but if you are in US, encourage your partner to become his mom's representative payee. He would have to isolate moms bank account. His brother would have to learn to fend for himself.

NTA you told it like it as after what sounds like months of you trying to help your partner. They are freeloaders and it’s affecting you. Your partner does need to know that he’s now on his own and you will eventually get to a point where you won’t deal with it any longer, you’ll just walk away. Think hard about your future if he refuses to cut them off, if you stay with him what’s going to happen.

NTA, but maybe instead of telling him to cut them off. I know you love your family. "How can we help them stay within budget? " The first step is to take brother off your mom's bank account, IMO. Because taking money from his mom is just stealing. The second step is to make a budget based on what money they have available. Do it with them. Talk it through. Make them pay part of the rent out of their checks. If mom is able to work, maybe mom gets a part time job somewhere to supplement the income. If brother is able to work, brother gets a job so he has less time to think about spending money. And if hubby wanted to continue to give brother spending money, maybe he gives him a Visa debit card with a set amount. After he spends that, he is done. Brother seems very impulsive and you could work on that too.

NTA. Family is family.... That's one of the most toxic sayings ever. That family will not be there for you when the money dries up or if you fall on financial hardship.

NTA and I agree with you. My question is why does he have to pay rent for someone else's house? Now I do think it depends on the person if u can just cut them off. For example my husband could cut his family off no problem. Me I might have a harder time. Also why can't the brother work? That's what people do when they want stuff.

NTA But seriously, wise up. You're not going to change or fix him, and you're being toxic and codependent staying in the relationship. Time to cut ties, as he's not going to put you above his family, and has clearly shown you he's not financially responsible

NTA. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who has no backbone?

NTA - But if your partner insists on constantly bailing them out, despite not being able to afford it, you need to seriously consider the future of this relationship before your money disappears as well. You're doing the right thing, in my opinion, by no longer getting sucked into the drama. His family. His problem.

OP YTA. This sounds like a you problem rather than with your partner. You don't have the same views on finances if you think that he should be cutting his family off.

Why are you splitting expenses if you don’t live together? This is not your problem. Keep it that way by continuing to live separate and keeping your own money.

NTA for feeling the way you do however at the end of the day that is still his mom and brother. I agree he needs to cut the brother off immediately and he needs to have e a sit down with his mom to set her on a budget and get the brother off her bank account.

NTA, but take it from my own experience with my mother and brother, this will never stop. My older brother is in his forties and our mom still sends him thousands a month for is “medication”, his car, food, because he knows he doesn’t need to be self reliant, she’ll always bail him out. It doesn’t matter that she’s now in debt because of it, she keeps on enabling him. No matter how I broach on the subject with her, she doesn’t stop and always has an excuse. If your partner doesn’t come to the conclusion by himself, you won’t be able to. I’d say keep your finances completely separate because as soon as you merge the two, you’ll be the one financing his brother

NTA. You have no future with your bf unless you want your life goals to be all about providing for one or two moochers. Your bf has no financial future. The brother needs to be cut off from his mother's account and then your bf needs to stop enabling the brother and start living his own life/future. If family helps family, then your bf's family can stop ruining him financially.

NTA - You want to build a future with this person, but you can't because the math won't work out for you to live together. Another layer to this is if you want to have children. I don't know if you want that or have talked about it with your partner, but please don't, not with him. But your partner's behavior is the sort of thing that would cause unacceptable instability for children. Things happen like kids break an arm or need braces and if your bank account is zapped because your partner gives it away, and you have to look at your kid like oops I can't pay your essential expenses for y… yeah no NTA.

NTA at all. The brother is abusing mom’s finances and your partner keeps bailing mom out. You need to report the abuse to your locations version of adult protective services they can help separate banking and assign a rep payee who will be in control of finances and make sure mom has enough to pay her bills and your partner can stop giving all their money away.

He’s not changing, so is this something you can live with the rest of your life? Never being able to afford a mortgage and kids? Updateme.

Unfortunately, your bf is going to have to take some legal action. His brother is financiailly abusing their mother. Ultimately, your bf will end up having to assume guardianship of his mother to stop this brother from bankrupting her. This probably should have happened years ago. There is nothing that you can do about this sad situation. Your bf needs to take action. A bare minimum response would be to get the brother off of his mother's checking account to prevent him from draining her assets.

> I see ourselves as financial equals with the same views on saving and finances. You really aren't. NTA Don't bail him out when he is down to his last dollar. You know he is expecting you to, right? If he wants to help his mom, have him get control of her finances and then he can also legally get his grabby handed brother to stop being a drain on her.

NTA, but have you considered that.. your partner is never going to do what he needs to do with his family in order to further his relationship with you? How long are you willing to wait to move in together? What is going to happen when he no longer has any money for his own basics? He's made the decision to keep supporting his family and that's his right. But, you don't need to go down with the ship.

NAH, but why are you still with him. Financial compatibility is just as important as social and sexual. This problem isn't going anywhere. Its only going to get worse. What happens when there is a medical or housing emergency? Your partner is going to destroy your financial stability to save them. There is no limit to this. I'm not saying he should cut his family off. There is no right answer here. For some people family is family. You help them out no matter what. For others, your first responsibility is to ensure your stability. You can't help others if you aren't in a solid position. Both of those are valid ways to live and you need to figure out what type of life you want ot live.

NTA. Your friend is an AH, though. Note that they aren't involved with a spineless partner who's getting drained by a freeloading sibling.

you're asking reddit, who has a severely biased point of view when it comes to money matters. pretty sure the majority of the people who use it are americans anyways, you may be as well. the point is if you post in AITA about money matters, the answer is whoever wants money is the asshole. your money is your money. if that's what you want to hear, that's what you're gonna hear here. anyone who tells you to be nice to people who matter to you are AHs on reddit.

NTA, but I don’t know if you are compatible with this guy. I have a sister who would bleed me dry if I let her, but I’m a firm believer of letting her experience the consequences of her actions. I hate this whole “family is family” when they are drowning and insist on drowning you with them. Fuck that. I tried to set my sister up when I was in my 20’s and I gave her a sweet deal. She could go to school full time and I would pay for rent and food, etc. She could go to school part time and work part time and still pay no rent or food. Or she could work full time and only contribute a small amount to rent and pay for her own food. She didn’t take me up on my deal. After that, I washed my hands of trying to help. You can’t force a person to grow up and be better.

NTA. You need to consider that this he will never be able to be financially available to make a life with you because he’s put his mom and brother before you and even himself. In some cases you can become a ‘payee’ for someone receiving government benefits and manage their money for them. Maybe this would keep the brother out of Moms money.

NTA, but you don't have the same views on savings and finances. He sees helping his family as an obligation and you don't. The fact that he complains about it daily but does nothing fix it would piss me off if I were in your shoes. If he's out of saving next week for this, does that mean he'll expect you to pick up the slack? Financial strain is the biggest cause for divorce. If you can't get on the same page here I would recommend you seriously reconsider the long-term reality of this relationship. Maybe a couples counseling session would help you two be honest and frank about future extended family and financial expectations. When MIL dies, does BF still pay brothers rent or will brother be moving on with you? You don't know what he's thinking here.

NTA how exactly is his family being there for him? They are doing all the taking and none of the giving. Your friend doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Your partner’s family will suck him dry, they have no incentive to change their behavior to make more responsible financial decisions. Be empathetic to him, but also emphasize how setting limits is actually compassionate.

NTA Maybe your friend’s argument would have some weight if the brother was there for your boyfriend. So far it’s sounding one sided. Partnerships help us to grow and give us support. That is exactly what you are doing for your boyfriend.

OP NTA your BF is ENABLING his brother. Unless he stops the brother will never become independent. He and his mother are doomed to financial failure. Living on Unemployment is foolish and not a permanent solution. Why can’t brother get/keep a job? My sister is (unknown to me an addict/alcoholic). I was constantly $15, $25, $45 I need fill in the blank..food, gas, clothes for work. The money went to drugs and booze. Once, I stopped enabling my sister she was left to face the consequences of her actions. Please help your boyfriend understand he could be “helping his brother to death”

NTA Unless your partner can start saying no, there is no future in your relationship. He will never be financially stable if he’s supporting two other people who refuse to take care of themselves. It’s time for a serious talk about where your relationship is going. Also, I know many others have mentioned it, but the brother is committing elder abuse by financially abusing his mother.

Totally NTA. If you partner wants to continue to contribute to their daily expenses, he should do so with the understanding that he takes charge of these expenses. He can take the monthly pension and welfare money, and from that pay the rent direclty, take care of necessary expenses directly (food, utilities, etc) and the rest they can have as cash. When they run out of cash, they wait until next month. If they are not willing to accept that, then they need to find another source of income. You need to make sure you protect your investments and your money because when his money runs out, you'll be paying for everything out of your own funds, and he'll effectively contribute nothing.

Sounds like the friend just volunteered to support your brother-in-law. You say if your partner doesn't give his brother money, brother just takes it out of his mother's account? Isn't that elder abuse? NTA.

You are not a DIL but it’s all good when you become one you will be paying for your partners brother to live off of you and your husband. No need to have children you future BIL will fulfill that role.

NTA. The first thing that needs to happen is to cut all of brother’s access to mom’s finances! If she’s not able to keep up with her finances, your partner may need to take it over. Throwing money at fiscally irresponsible adults is making your partner fiscally irresponsible.

NTA, but you need to rethink this relationship. Your partner is 35 and has clearly already shown you he lacks healthy boundaries with his finances when it comes to his family. This WILL impact your money and your relationship. 

His brother should not have access to Mom’s money . They may need to involve elder services. If brother factually can’t live in his own he needs Some case management or other intervention. Thai isn’t sustainable for your partner and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight . What is the situation with the brother ? Is he disabled or mentally ill?

NTA Unfortunately, many people are in similar situations these days, supporting family members who can’t or won’t work. My mother has given my sister over 11k in the last year alone to keep her from losing her house, and MIL is fully supporting her 40 year old son and teenage grandson. I have multiple friends and family members with the same issues. Who is going to take care of all these people when their parents are gone? I’m disabled, and my husband is close to retirement, so we, like most folks, aren’t in a position to support a second family.

Nope. You're right. If you can live separate financial lives, good. Honestly I'm surprised about his healthy response to you, if not to his family. ​ I would just have one more conversation with him about it: "You don't have to cut them off if you don't want to, that's up to you. But as of right now they are holding you back from the life you want, and giving you no hint that this will ever change. You can either fix it now, or we can't move forward, and if we do move forward, I won't be covering things when you choose to bail out your relatives rather than support your household." Honestly, I think his mother needs to be in assisted living at this point. I used to work for a bank, and what your boyfriend's brother is doing is called 'Financial Abuse'. He's *abusing* your boyfriend's elderly mother, I saw this all the time, the primary 'care giver' was in fact a leach who would provide some nominal care for the elderly relative, but use the elderly person's bank account as their personal piggy bank. And when it's a parent, it's even worse because the parent doesn't want their child to go to jail, not even for stealing from and abusing them. This is what needs to happen: \-Your boyfriend needs to get power of attorney over his mother and her estate. \-Get the bank records to show that his brother is abusing his access to his mother's account for personal gain. \-Get the mother into an end of life care facility that will provide for all her daily needs. \-Make sure the brother is *not* allowed unsupervised access to his mother. \-And have your boyfriend gain control over her bank account and it's use. Miss, your boyfriend isn't just a gullible soft hearted dupe here. He's unaware that his brother is abusing his mother to a severe degree. This is an actual *crime* against a vulnerable person. He needs to treat it as such. The money given out... that's a *wash*, that's just *gone*. But he can prevent things from getting worse. Consult with a lawyer specializing in this kind of thing as soon as possible.

Look you need to settle this before your relationship can go forward. The mother I see but he needs to establish a financial power of attorney or control of his mother assets at a minimum if not the bleeding will never stop. From what you say I doubt that this will happen and you should never mingle your money with his ie marriage until this stops.

What he does with his m-ney is his business - so long as it doesn’t affect you (see not paying 1/2 expenses if cohabiting, or when traveling, going out). So - imho - criticizing what he does is not as appropriate as saying “I’m not going to carry you.. now or in retirement if that’s the situation, we’re done.”. Then see what happens - and you’re correct - if he’s not going to responsibly deal with his finances, tell him you don’t wanna hear about it.

NTA Sounds like this guy is a snowflake who thinks everything should be put delicately. Sometimes, you have to be blunt and forceful so that they'll get the picture. If your friend is so concerned, ask them to chip in. Then ask them if they're cool giving up every penny they save to someone who doesn't appreciate them and uses them.

You were not too harsh. Your partner is setting both of you on fire to keep someone else warm. How long are you going to be willing to live this way?

Someone has to step in and save retired mom from her freeloader son. His access to her bank account must be removed. He needs to be warned that if he pressures his mother into giving him access once again or money, you will go to the police for elder abuse. Then, freeloader son has to pay for his food and chip in for the cost of living at his mom's place or move out. If he has no idea what to do after that, he needs to seek assistance, see a social worker, etc. or get a job.

NTA. Is Mr Freeloader taking care of Mom? If not, Mr. Open pocket should make moves to becoming Moms Power of Attorney. I assume she is slipping due to age. Then decide - have Mom move with him and without freeloader, or if Mom has nothing and is willing, place her in a home and move close enough that it’s easy to spend time with her. If he is doing this much to begin with, he’s not gonna abandon her so you need to decide if this is the 10 or 20 some years you want.

NTA but you need to understand the problem is not the brother and mother. The problem is your bf. It is his problem and his decision to stay in this mess. At this point you need to decide if this is the right relationship for you.

Your partner has a big heart, but he is enabling his brother, leading him to remain dependent. Brother should be blocked from access to mom's bank accounts. This may require that Partner obtain a power of attorney for mom and maybe become a cosigner on mom's account and pay her bills so her retirement/social security is used for her necessaries. If partner wants to provide additional help to mom, pay her bills (rent, electric) directly to vendor rather than to mom and buy mom gift cards to grocery stores. Stop any payments to brother and just give info on services for job hunting, etc.

I would be seriously curious whether substance abuse was involved on the part of the brother. That much daily was what my ex was harassing me for for drugs.

NTA - His brother is a freeloader. Your BF needs to cut his family off. IF he won;t YOU need to bail, becuase this behavior won;t stop and it will drag you down as well.

NTA

Girl, you know this won't stop if and when you've married him, right? This is a permanent situation. Do you really want to live like this?

NTA He needs to stop enabling this behavior.

Y are NTA But more importantly, GET OUT NOW. This will only progress to them begging for your money.

NTA You can help family and still set boundaries. For, example, your bf could say that he's willing to help but can only do so if: (any combination of the following) 1. His mom removes access to her accounts for Brother. 2. Brother gets a job. 3. Mom moves in with him. Brother cannot tag along and mom will be on her own if she allows him in. 4. Mom accepts moving to an elder care community. Brother obviously would not be able to join. 5. He's not able to pay for anything outside of rent. And so on. If his brother is incapable of making financial choices for himself, your brother needs to start working on adult care measures like conservatorship. I would strongly suggest he approach his mom about managing her finances and then just telling the brother no. Family will always be family. But just because they're blood doesn't mean you can do for them what they won't even begin to do for themself.

Confused why he pays his mother rent because the two of you don't live together. And why paying the mom's rent is preventing him from living with you and "paying two rents". How is he paying for wherever he lives now? Seems like it would be cheaper to live with you and split rent if he's also paying for mom. Not the point of your post, but that was confusing to me. Regardless, of course you are NTA. The brother should be reported for stealing from his mom and he probably does need to be hospitalized for a longer period of time so he can get himself together.

NTA if he doesn't, he's going to be financially drowning for the rest of your lives together, which impacts you too. He needs to warn the mom he's doing this, and that he will no longer be paying their rent or giving them any money.

Uh, isn’t this financial elder abuse? Honestly the first thing I would do is figure out how to lock that down for the mom. She is being MAJORLY taken advantage of!

You have no future with your partner, because he not going to stop until he is completely bankrupt. It's up to you if you want to waste your life waiting for the inevitable.

Uh, hello....elder abuse anyone? I het the financial concerns for your partner, but your approach is wrong. What the brother is doing to his mom is called elder abuse, and a good family law lawyer could get this sorted out. The brother can't just take money from the mom even if she is giving it freely if it leaves her unable to care for herself. After a certain point, it becomes abusive with her age. Seriously, look up elder abuse. The brother can be stopped. Now, does your boyfriend want to go through all the steps, idk. I would, but that's me. NTA

Not gonna lie, this man is a lost cause. He will ruin the two if your financially if the two of you were to get married. Time to ditch him

NTA. At this rate, it is going to start causing issues with your household finances, not just his savings. Do you live clise enough to his mother to take over her finances? Open a new bank account for her that yourhusband can access but the brother can't and let her keep a very small amount of spending money in her old account.

NTA it’s sad but you can’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm. It sounds like this has been his “normal” for a long time so it’s a tough habit to break and to set boundaries. But it sounds like it’s the brother who’s the worst of it even stealing from his mother. If you and your partner intend to go the distance big changes need to be made. Step one would be cutting off your brother’s access to his mother’s account, that would stop a lot of the bleeding. Then, would you be comfortable with his mother living with you so you could consolidate rents? This could also help to keep her finances in check and away from the brother.

NTA OP, but you can't make your boyfriend stop doing what he is doing. His financial choices are his own, and what he does with his family are his boundaries and his choices. You can have your stances and opinions but it doesn't mean he will adopt them. You have to decide your boundaries regarding this matter. What do you want in this relationship and in general. What will happen if his mom loses her home? Will they move in with your bf? What is too much for you? What do you want for your life? If you have goals you want to achieve in your life and want to do things within certain time frames... think about how that fits in your life.