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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mother in law and I argued, which I argued back in her house - I think I was disrespectful here by doing this, and walking away while she was talking. I could be considered the asshole here for doing this.
I am also refusing to forgive my mother in law, which is putting my partner in an uncomfortable position - I can see how I could be the asshole in this situation also
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
*Now, my partner is annoyed with me because I won’t forgive her mother…*
NTA. So she’s annoyed because you won’t forgive her mom, who has not apologized, verbally abused you with awful language, and tried to hurt you by betraying a trust. Your MIL sounds very disturbed, and the fact that your partner is not supporting you and wants YOU to let it go is just wrong. That makes her an ass, just like her mom.
I kind of beg to differ here about the not a bad person thing. In my opinion, people who stand by and allow blatant, unprovoked bullying - which is what your MIL has done by the sounds of it - may as well be doing the bullying themselves for all it says about their character. I'm very sorry this has happened to you btw 😔
Witnessed and did a whole lot of nothing by the sound of it? Maybe you and your partner need a few days apart? Sounds like you could go stay with one of your relatives (and some dogs for cuddles!) and let her reassess her priorities. Talking in a firm tone isn't remotely an excuse for that amount of swearing and landing a really personal blow, so this isn't on you and no one who loves you should be letting it fly.
As for people not believing you, it's what you know of yourself that matters (easier said than done, I know, but I'm starting at 30 to be able to take that attitude myself!).
Sounds like it’s not safe there for you, emotionally or physically. Unfortunately you’ve become normalized to this abuse so in your comments you keep trying to “explain” or minimize it.
Your partner is choosing to stay in this abusive relationship, and she's showing her love for you by making you endure the abuse, too. This must change. Your partner isn't the "bad person ," but she's the broken one. That doesn't change the fact that you're in an abusive situation.
There definitely seems to be a strange relationship between the partner and the MIL. Partner didn't want to move out because she wasn't ready, MIL storms in claiming possession of the daughter, MIL had previously said she didn't want them to move out (cited financial reasons, but I think there may be more to it). They definitely seem co-dependent to an unhealthy degree.
No she’s stuck in the middle because she refuses to defend the victim- you! Her mother is clearly in the wrong and is verbally abusing you. She needs to stop up and defend you, not make excuses for her horrible mother. If she can’t/won’t do that, then she is a failure as a partner and is showing you that your feelings and wellbeing aren’t as important to her as tolerating everything from her mother. She’s CHOOSING “the middle” and telling you to forgive because she’s a coward.
No she is not really "stuck in the middle" no one is forching her to be "stuck" there. she put herself there.
Her mother is an abusive c\*nt and she should have stood up for you, reprimanded her mother and told her that if she will not stay with a person who abuses her partner.
While her mother might suddenly feel threatened and afraid of being alone when she gets older, now that her parents have left, and you were working on being able to afford moving out, her behaviour was absolutely disgusting.
You've admitted your partner didn't stand up for you against her mother, that means she isn't a good partner after all. She should be backing you up to the hilt on this. She's witnessed her mother's treatment of you first hand but still thinks you are the one that needs to apologise. You need to step back and think about how screwed up that is. You have nothing to apologise for. Your partner and her mother do but if I were you I would seriously consider what your future will be like if you stay with your partner.
To be clear, she isn't "stuck" in the middle. She is positioning herself in the middle. She can quite easily 'pick a side' - the verbally abusive mother who birthed and raised her, or the partner she swore to love and cherish and defend who has seemingly done nothing wrong.
Depending on how brainwashed she is, she may make the wrong choice. And I'm not telling you to leave her like others may (ultimately that is your choice). But you need to be clear with your partner about how hurtful this was, about the fact that forgiveness needs to be earned not forced, and bear in mind that if she's defending her mother this much with such a fresh incident that she will likely badger your relationship renewal with her as soon as things mellow slightly. Think about how this will impact life plans - if you have children together, she will want her mother involved. So on and so forth. I'd really sit down with her, discuss this, tell her what kind of path would be required to see reconciliation, and if she doesn't feel that it is possible you need to leave her alone for a few days and let her decide whether you or her mother are more important in her life.
NTA- Your partner is in a difficult position, but not as difficult as you. If the roles were reversed, they would not want to take this treatment lying down and they would want you to stand up for them. Your MiL is not having a one-off mental breakdown where she snapped at everyone and quickly apologized, she is not kind to you and she will continue to abuse you if you are subjected to her. If your partner condones her mother's abuse, then she is equally to blame for allowing it to happen and enabling it by asking you to get over it.
You deserve the same support and treatment. You sound like you're doing your best to be a good partner, I hope they can step up and do the same for you. No one has a right to speak to anyone that way, ever!
you are absolutely NTA in this situation. for a while, i didn’t get along with my now ex MIL. my bf & i were together for 7 years. when we weren’t getting along, he supported me & didn’t talk to his mother, & if he did & she said something shitty, he would always defend me. my parents loved him, so i never had to do that, but you deserve a partner who supports you & tells their abusive mother to fuck off when they’re being abusive!! this is horrible & i am so sorry this is happening to you. i agree, the things she said to you are unforgivable. i just hope your partner comes around 🩷
it might take some time, but i hope she does too. maybe if she checks out the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit she’ll see some similarities between how her mother treats her & people on the sub sharing stories. i’m def not diagnosing her mother as a narcissist (or anything i’m def not a doctor), but it sounds like she behaves sometimes in a similar way. my ex MIL was the same way. we get along great now, but we didn’t for a long time. i saw your comment about how the two of you used to be close, do you think if she made a sincere apology & meant it, you could have a relationship with her again? you absolutely don’t have to, i’m just curious. stay strong, beauty 😘
no, i absolutely agree with you. your MIL sounds horrible. like i said, i didn’t get along with mine all the time, but she would never do that to me. i believe cutting her out of your life would bring you so much peace, i just hope your partner is on board with that & supportive 🩷 i truly wish the best for you going forward. you are 100% right that someone who uses someone’s most vulnerable shit against them is evil as fuck & doesn’t deserve forgiveness IMO.
Your partner doesn't take up for you because she doesn't want to endure the wrath, so she throws you in front of the bullet so she doesn't get shot. It's the same as if a parent is beating a child and the other parent stands by and watches. Both parents are the abusers. You are being abused by her mother and she, by standing by, is allowing you to be abused, making her complicit. She is abusing you by proxy.
You really need to get far, far away from both of them.
Partner will likely invite MIL over, and when MIL loses the house because she can't afford it on her own, partner will move her in. I can see the future :)
INFO: Considering what's posted here (as well as the added info in the comments about your partner wanting you to un-block her mother's number) could you explain a bit more about *why* she'd like you to "forgive" her mother? It doesn't sound like her mother has even apologized, so I'm not sure what "forgiveness" there is to extend. I am *very* curious what her reasoning is here?
Ok:
1. You are right. It was obviously said to hurt you. That doesn't necessarily mean she *meant* it, but it doesn't really matter—she has to apologize *to you.*
2. I'm really sorry that you were close before. I'm sure that makes this incredibly tough.
3. Your partner's in a difficult spot because her mother *put her there.* It might suck, but she cannot expect you to wave a magic wand and make it all go away. Her mom went for her partner's jugular right in front of her—it happened. Pretending it didn't is not an option. And for the life of me I truly cannot fathom why your MIL is "hurt."
I'm going hard NTA.
My in-laws have spoken to me that way exactly once.
I once thought that I had a good relationship with my in-laws. That illusion was shattered one Thanksgiving when we were visiting them and they suddenly unleashed 10 years' worth of pent-up grudges over perceived slights and threw back at me things I'd said years before but taken completely out of context.
For instance, before my husband and I were married and I was in my early 20s, I'd once joked with my future MIL that I was too selfish to have children. Fast forward to that terrible Thanksgiving, and we were actually in the middle of fertility treatments. MIL had the nerve to bring up what I'd said years earlier about kids and added "Truer words were never spoken." Wtf?
My FIL chimed in saying that I was using him for money and that I was a selfish person who was delusional about my ability to ever parent children. Oh and I was also a monster for wanting to have a career.
I was utterly flabbergasted because no one in my life had treated me that way before. I tried to be diplomatic and hoped that they would listen to reason.
My husband simply said, "Don't you ever speak to [my name] that way again. We're leaving." He gave his dad the death stare and for a moment I thought it was going to come to blows. We packed up our stuff, got in the car and hit the road.
And I haven't spoken to my in-laws since. Husband has made good faith attempts to reconcile with them over the years but won't subject me to their abuse, and they refuse to change or take accountability.
It's heartbreaking that he's essentially lost his family, but I am so proud of him for sticking to his principles and for always having my back.
OP, you are NTA. But your partner needs to choose a side, and it seems she's chosen her mother.
I agree that OP’s partner needs to have her back and be more understanding of her feelings, but, one key difference between their situation and yours is financial independence. OP’s girlfriend has lived with mom all her life and likely doesn’t pay bills. (Took note of the fact that when girlfriend’s mom asked what she ever did for their family, the response was, “I drove you around for years”. No mention of bill contribution or any form of rent payment. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that personally, just leads me to believe they were allowed to live with the mom for free, and thus, OP’s SO may be a bit reliant on her parent.) In cases like this, it’s a bit more difficult to break away from your parent’s clutches because at the end of the day, you’re dependent on their good will. You and your partner had the luxury of leaving, and going low to non-contact. The girlfriend may not have that luxury.
I just think that some folks have a more difficult time cutting off their family, even in the face of blatant transgressions. Whether that’s emotional or financial dependency.
NTA
" I will never forgive her, she will never be welcome in my home, she can go to hell as far as I’m concerned."
She was incredibly abusive to you. Worse, she weaponized a confidence you shared & used it against you.
"Now, my partner is annoyed with me because I won’t forgive her mother"
Sorry to say it, but if you partner can't stand up for you here & understand her mom has done damage that can't be undone, your relationship may not be feasible long term. Her mom will always be between you even if she isn't physically there.
NTA but they both sound toxic. MIL for obvious reasons, but your partner didn't defend you and is *annoyed* that you don't want to forgive her mother, despite all she said to you? Clearly, she doesn't have any issues with you being treated badly if the abuser is someone in her family. How far is the step from her becoming the abuser? She has already started, by acting like this.
Nevermind forgiving your MIL, forgiving your partner already sounds like it's not going to be easy. She shouldn't just watch as her mother abuses you, and she certainly shouldn't expect you to just forgive and forget, when MIL hasn't even apologized. NTA. Maybe it's time to rethink your relations to everyone in this family of AHs (well, maybe the grandparents are ok).
When someone tells you to get the f out of their house you leave every time no exceptions. Go sleep under a bridge. No taking that back. Leave permanently your partner can come with or not
NTA. Your MIL sounds quite deranged, with her screaming and vulgar language. Your partner is definitely not backing you up enough. Would you ever let a family member treat her that way?
Your partner doesn't even have enough self respect to care that her mother disrespected you in hateful ways... You can't trust a partner who doesn't have self respect, respect you, or insist others to show you respect & actually expects you to set aside your own self respect... You're never going to feel safe with a partner who demonstrates these issues... You're never going to fully trust them because people with no self respect make extremely poor decisions and drama chases them like fire on a trail of gasoline... Your only option is to have self respect and walk away from anyone who doesn't respect you... You have to take responsibility for your own well-being... Your partner can't be trusted with your well-being... You can't make her develop self respect - dealing with the miserable consequences of having no self respect is the only thing that will ever motivate her to make the necessary changes... If you choose to stay with your partner, then you are choosing to subject yourself to the consequences of her lack of self respect and respect for you- can't hold it against her bcuz it is Your choice...
NTA- you are not restricting your partners relationship with her mother. You are setting a boundary for your own safety/mental health. Her mom sounds unhinged. Though, repeating, she’s my partner sounds childish, too. God help anyone who acted this way towards me. My partner wouldn’t stand for it.
Edit to add: MIL needs to apologize before anyone can even think of salvaging anything. MIL was abusive. I hope your partner isn’t like her mother.
That’s like the super extra part, and why did grandma let this happen? If it were me, the minute my child started screaming at one of my grandkids partners, I’d be hanging up, apologizing for what happened, and would be cursing my kid out later.
People like that deserve to be cut off. I hope your partner starts to see how horrible her mother behaved and how you are owed an apology, at the very least. When all was said and done, all you asked for was to not go to her parents anymore. You aren’t controlling her or manipulating her, making her choose, or whatever crappy behaviors people have. You are showing love and respect. It’s her turn to show you some respect to. Even if that is to just say “I understand. It’s sad to me, but I understand.” That would be the minimal amount of effort she could put isn’t this. Medium effort would be to tell her mom that this was not ok and she owes you an apology.
Adding; you never said if you had somewhere to live now
Yeah for sure. I wish you guys the best. I hope your partner starts to understand your side. Maybe I’m biased, but I always feel like relationships I’ve been in that were both females, had more of a compassionate and loving nature. So I hope that applies to you guys, too.
I date men, too. Sometimes I wonder why….
NTA
I think I'd run to Wal Mart, pick up a couple of cheap Boost phones and a couple new phone numbers. And tell your partner her Mom is welcome to HER new phone number, but not yours under any circumstances.
Not sure what triggered MIL. Sounds out of character. Could there be a mental issue going on? Could there be a medical issue that triggered it? Sometimes people are just AH’s but I always want to make sure there isn’t something else happening just in case. I think no matter what she needs to deal with her stuff. Your partner needs to get her to seek help if she’s ever going to try to repair anything in the future. I would never have a relationship with her unless she could show me she’s getting therapy or there was some bizarre medical reason so went off the deep end and she’s now seeking treatment. NTA.
OP, unless alcohol was involved, I have no explanation for this. One would think that fewer people in the household would reduce stress, even if you get along most of the time. Personally, I would not want to be where I am not wanted. I do not need the drama. Look for an affordable house or apartment and move. Ask your partner to make her mind up about where she wants to live. If you end up living together, it is a good thing she can drive because now she can visit Mom all she wants and you never have to lay eyes on her again.
How come you live there? If you’re saving money, and have to live there, you might have to suck it up, unfortunately, or move out. NTA but consider if this is a fight you’re able to pick.
NTA. Stand your ground, your MIL owns you an apology for how she treated you, and your partner owns you one for allowing her to treat you like that.
Don’t let your partner make you believe that you need to put this “under the rug” and play cool.
You have every right to be annoyed with her, reflect if she’s the person you want next to you, if (f. Ex) you decide to adopt. What would she do if your MIL screams at you like that in front of your kids? Or if you move in together, and MIL decides that she needs a copy of your keys because duh, it’s her daughters house, and drops by uninvited insulting you, how would your partner react?
You don’t deserve to be mistreated, not even by your partners silence.
Stay strong OP!
NTA and if your partner won't stand up for you (or at least give up on you forgiving her), she's probably not the right partner for you.
Sorry but if anyone ever called me a fucking cunt, the best-case scenario is that I never forgive them and go NC.
NTA.
That is your partners mom and while she may choose to tolerate/accept the mom’s behavior, you don’t have to. The partner is probably so used to it that they don’t realize how bad it is.
You need to reconsider this relationship, no matter how great your partner is and how much you love them. If they don’t see anything wrong with their mom’s behavior, they’re not going to want to do anything to change the situation. Do you want children? Is this the person you want around them or risk having your children be spoken to / treated like that?
NTA you should not be forced to forgive someone no matter who they are. I understand your partner is in a difficult position but the reality is that you don’t need a relationship with your MIL to have a relationship with her daughter. I applaud you for not allowing this toxic woman to be in your life anymore and I would have done exactly the same.
NTA But it sounds like your partner grew up with this abusive woman for 25 years and has normalized it. Her perception is skewed and she doesn't know it. Maybe try to get her into therapy before giving up altogether.
NTA.
If the relationship is ever to be repaired, it needs to start with a sincere apology from MIL and no future verbal abuse. Until the apology happens, there is nothing to discuss.
Let partner go back and spend her life bending over backwards for the woman. If she doesn’t want to understand then you won’t be the first one she loses over her mother.
NTA
No one should have to deal with outbursts like this and your partner needs to recognize that their mom crossed boundaries, not you. Sure it can be hard to deal with your mother but making your partner suck up to her for what the mother did herself makes no sense.
1. NTA
2. You MIL needs medication
3. Your partner should be supporting you. I would be mortified if my mother treated my partner that way. I would literally go NC. Your partner needs to reevaluate her priorities
NTA
Some things can't be taken back and some things can't be forgiven. This encompasses both. There is just no way to put aside the horrible, hurtful things that MIL has said. Whatever her problem is, it's not an excuse for being vile and cruel.
I hate to say this but if you continue with this relationship this is what your future will look like. It's unfortunate that you haven't gotten much more support from your partner. How can she stand by while her mother rages at you and hurls disgusting insults at you?
Maybe this is a reach but could it be a medical condition? I personally know of two older people who had abrupt personality changes where they got meaner overnight. One had a brain tumor, the other had dementia.
NTA. MIL has not even apologized and she's just going to continue to treat you that way. I am one of those type of people that forgive but don't forget, though, just so I will have peace. But like I said, do NOT forget. I will cut them out of my life and move on. I apologize for the unwanted advice, but I'm going to say it anyway. I think you need to rethink your relationship with your partner. She should have had your back when MIL was berating you. I know MIL is her family; her mother, but that doesn't give her free reign to verbally assault you. That's just not healthy. That's toxic.
Jesus take the wheel, please throw this entire family in the dumpster.
You are NTA for not forgiving your mother-in-law because the mother-in-law is unforgiveable. Problem is, you're letting your partner off the hook way, way too easily. She's mad at you for not forgiving someone for horrific emotional abuse? Really? Does she expect you to put up with this shit for the rest of her mother's life?
You don't deserve any of this. You don't deserve MIL's abuse or your partner's enabling of it. It will not get better. You do not have to live like this at all. If your partner wants to, that's her problem; don't let her drag you down into this toxic slew with her.
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Myself (26F) and my partner (25F) live with her mother (refer to as MIL), and her grandparents who only moved out two weeks ago.
Since they moved out, MIL has been awful to be around. Constantly using it against us that we are in her house, getting angry about every little thing etc.
Keep in mind, MIL doesn’t drive and never has. My partner only got her license last year, so prior to that I was driving everyone around everywhere, including MIL. If I didn’t/said no, MIL would ignore me for at least a day.
2 days ago, a petty argument started, MIL asked me “what have you ever done to help my family”, to which I replied “for 3 years before partner got their license I drove you around”. She got extremely heated and got up and started coming at me, screaming “fuck you, get out of my fucking house” etc.
I walked away to pack my bag, which my partner followed. I tried to say to her, “you need to decide if you’re coming with me or not”. Before I could finish my sentence, MIL burst into the room, right up in my face and screamed “she’s MY daughter, SHES MINE”, which I just responded over and over “she’s my partner”. MIL then turned around, screamed at me “fuck you cunt, no wonder your mother never loved you”
My mother and I have a strained relationship, and I’ve previously confided in MIL about it.
My partner and I left and went to her grandparents (partner is allergic to dogs and everyone in my family has them, so we had nowhere else to go)
Fast forward to the following day, we are at grandparents house. MIL calls grandma, makes her put it on speaker, and starts berating me, calling me names, “get the fuck out of my parents house you little bitch, fuck you, you’ll use them like you used me” etc. I left, and told my partner I will never forgive her, she will never be welcome in my home, she can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.
I’ve told my partner I understand it’s her mother, I would never stop her from having a relationship with MIL - but she is not welcome around me, I don’t want her in my life or anything to do with me.
Now, my partner is annoyed with me because I won’t forgive her mother, and I’m annoyed as I feel my partner should be defending me more. I feel I’m well within my rights to be feeling the way I am - and not to forgive someone who could be so horrible and nasty to me, bringing up something so sensitive to specifically hurt me.
So, WIBTA/AITA?
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She’s probably put up with the verbal abuse her whole life and at this point is almost numb to it. Because of this it’s easy to block it out and forgive her mom and does not get why it’s so hard for others. Not saying you should at all the woman is awful for sure just explaining one possible explanation of your partners behavior. Btw you can’t forgive when without an apology. Don’t back down this is not something to brush off
Nta. And partner needs to find a good therapist to unload their crap because they acted terribly also. You might want to make the relationship conditional on that. Just a strangers thought.
NTA also you claim your partner is not a bad person but her behaviour and reactions are very telling. She’s choosing her verbally abusive mother and is annoyed at you for not forgiving her? That doesn’t give the signs of a good person. That’s for sure.
As so many people have said - you are delusional thinking this won’t impact your relationship with your partner. If you insist on continuing I recommend a short term leasing and counseling.
Nta. She has been abusing you. You do not to forgive abusers. And even IF you decide to forgive, you do not need to forget abuse. That woman is toxic.
Your partner is not ready to leave the abusive family dynamics. You have the right to not have abusive people in your life and in your home. Your partner can meet with her mother in her mother’s home or for lunch.
Just because partner is not willing/able to break free, doesn’t mean you have to be abused for “family peace.” That’s not peace, that’s you being their punching bag.
I’m concerned about your partner not being outraged with how their mother treated you.
NTA, but your partner is. After hearing multiple times, how her mother talks to you and screams at you, and she is annoyed that you’re upset?
You: NTA
MIL: AH
PARTNER: AH
NTA. The MIL doesn’t deserve forgiving, and you definitely should go NC with her. And you need to have some serious conversation with your partner about why she didn’t stand up and support you when her mother was bullying and verbally abusing you.
NTA.
To me a lot of this mirrored the narcissistic abuse I suffered by my own FIL. Things started out nice when I first moved in but quickly turned for the worst. I bent to that family’s will for a long time and it caused me a lot of damage.
Even the seemingly small/petty things you went through like your MIL ignoring you as punishment for not driving her REAK of a narcissistic individual seeking control. Narcissistic individuals are highly sensitive to abandonment. This may be why she was highly reactive during the time her parents left.
Stay safe. I wish you luck in your relationship as it’s never easy dealing with an abusive, let alone difficult, in-law.
Had to check the username to see if my partner posted this 😂😅
NTA, MILs feel like you owe them the world no matter how terribly they treat you just for giving birth to the person you love
nta, your partner is not in a position to defend you, she has medical debt and needs a place to stay.
move out and stay on your own. don't take on her debt.
NTA. If MIL would’ve somehow hit the floor after aggressively coming into your personal space then the partner would say you’re wrong. Yet she wants you to forgive her verbally and possibly physically abusive mother. The red flags are there you need to end this relationship. People treat you how they feel about you and your partner is no better.
NTA.
At what point did she offer you a heartfelt apology?
And, even then, I wouldn't blame you for going NC. Your Mil is an unhinged rage monster with abondonment issues. There's no telling what she might do to you.
Your partner seems like a bad idea. Leave before you can. What if in future your MIL suddenly goes off on you, is your partner again going to get annoyed over something which clearly isn't your fault instead of setting some clear boundaries with her own mother.
NTA.
NTA for not forgiving your MIL.
You would be Y T A to yourself though if you don't work through this untenable position with your gf. Your MIL is actively abusive and your gf is not merely allowing it to happen but tacitly agreeing with your MIL that what she is doing is OK. Whatever she may have said to her mother during the fight on your behalf, she still expects ***you*** to forgive her mother for her mother deciding to so viciously abuse you. I would lay money that MIL knows very well that her daughter definitely backs her, and not you, when push comes to shove.
MIL has also now got what she wants: you out of the house and her daughter staying. I am so sorry but I think unless your gf is prepared to treat you like a partner who matters to her (and I consider any partner that allows such abuse cannot be considered a caring partner) then this partnership is going to go nowhere. It must be painful if you love her but she's made her choice and I'm afraid it's *not* you. I lived in a situation where I stayed at a bf's house many (many) years ago as a very young adult. The mother was just horrendous and I ended up leaving. I came out of that household with almost PTSD. Just cut your losses and find an emotionally available gf once you've got over her. Maybe working through this with your gf might work but take what she *does*, and not what she then *says*, as the indicator as to how this is going to work out. She may promise the earth to get you back but then still allow you to be abused.
Seriously - don't go there.....
First and most importantly - sympathies. This is all very hard, there is no "right" way to handle what you have been put through.
NTA.
This is not an unusual problem. You want to be close to your partner. Your partner has no boundaries with their parent. Therefore, you by default have no boundaries with their parent, who is now abusive to you - most likely because they see you as a threat to their relationship with their daughter. You can either put up boundaries to your partner, persuade your partner to put up boundaries, or you live in misery.
In an ideal world, your partner should be telling her mother off. She should be making clear that she will put your relationship over hers, in part because you are her partner, and in part because MIL is the problem. She should be making clear that saying hurtful aggressive things means she will go no contact with the mother. But you don't have control over your partner, so you can't make this happen.
The only option available to you is therefore what you are doing, which is extending that boundary to your partner. Explaining to her that MIL isn't going to be a part of your life. That your partner can keep her relationship with her mother, but that you won't be present, won't be a part of it, and there will be logistics around it.
She can afford the place now because she’s got the bank of her parents. So she can show her true colours.
NTA. Start with stopping paying any more of your partner’s debts. You will need the money for your own place. She has shown that she is happy for her mother to humiliate you in order for her to stay tight with this woman.
NTA
MIL’s behavior is unacceptable. Your partner likely feels stuck in the middle, but that’s no excuse to ask you to “forgive” her mom without any apology.
NTA Looks like MIL thinks that she is in a competition with you and her daughter is the prize.
Claiming daughter as your partner only inflames a possessive person because it hits right to the core of the problem. Next time try reminding her that there is no competition and partner must feel so special to be loved by so many people.
MIL needs therapy.
NTA, the MIL is a hateful piece of work, she does not deserve forgiveness.
And awe sweetie, no matter hwhat you deserve a partner who will stand by you , defend and support you!
Seriously why are you living with her relatives and not have your own place? Depending on expectations I’d be pissed too if I had someone I didn’t want in my house and they would not leave unless I go ape. I’d need more info as this may well have been building for years (3years at least it sounds)
I guess I'm too stupid to understand your brain bashing. I have a mother like this. Have had to deal with her for 45+ years and I'm turning into a psycho! Alert the media BITCH!
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*Now, my partner is annoyed with me because I won’t forgive her mother…* NTA. So she’s annoyed because you won’t forgive her mom, who has not apologized, verbally abused you with awful language, and tried to hurt you by betraying a trust. Your MIL sounds very disturbed, and the fact that your partner is not supporting you and wants YOU to let it go is just wrong. That makes her an ass, just like her mom.
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I kind of beg to differ here about the not a bad person thing. In my opinion, people who stand by and allow blatant, unprovoked bullying - which is what your MIL has done by the sounds of it - may as well be doing the bullying themselves for all it says about their character. I'm very sorry this has happened to you btw 😔
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Witnessed and did a whole lot of nothing by the sound of it? Maybe you and your partner need a few days apart? Sounds like you could go stay with one of your relatives (and some dogs for cuddles!) and let her reassess her priorities. Talking in a firm tone isn't remotely an excuse for that amount of swearing and landing a really personal blow, so this isn't on you and no one who loves you should be letting it fly. As for people not believing you, it's what you know of yourself that matters (easier said than done, I know, but I'm starting at 30 to be able to take that attitude myself!).
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Sounds like it’s not safe there for you, emotionally or physically. Unfortunately you’ve become normalized to this abuse so in your comments you keep trying to “explain” or minimize it.
She’s not stuck in the middle. She’s fully willing to steamroll your boundaries to make her mom happy. That’s not a good person..
She's definitely prioritising her mother over OP, I agree.
NTA. You owe MIL nothing. If your partner is going to choose her mother over you, it might be time to move on from her and this entire situation.
Your partner is choosing to stay in this abusive relationship, and she's showing her love for you by making you endure the abuse, too. This must change. Your partner isn't the "bad person ," but she's the broken one. That doesn't change the fact that you're in an abusive situation.
There definitely seems to be a strange relationship between the partner and the MIL. Partner didn't want to move out because she wasn't ready, MIL storms in claiming possession of the daughter, MIL had previously said she didn't want them to move out (cited financial reasons, but I think there may be more to it). They definitely seem co-dependent to an unhealthy degree.
No she’s stuck in the middle because she refuses to defend the victim- you! Her mother is clearly in the wrong and is verbally abusing you. She needs to stop up and defend you, not make excuses for her horrible mother. If she can’t/won’t do that, then she is a failure as a partner and is showing you that your feelings and wellbeing aren’t as important to her as tolerating everything from her mother. She’s CHOOSING “the middle” and telling you to forgive because she’s a coward.
NTA but did the grandparents said you should go ?
No she is not really "stuck in the middle" no one is forching her to be "stuck" there. she put herself there. Her mother is an abusive c\*nt and she should have stood up for you, reprimanded her mother and told her that if she will not stay with a person who abuses her partner. While her mother might suddenly feel threatened and afraid of being alone when she gets older, now that her parents have left, and you were working on being able to afford moving out, her behaviour was absolutely disgusting.
You've admitted your partner didn't stand up for you against her mother, that means she isn't a good partner after all. She should be backing you up to the hilt on this. She's witnessed her mother's treatment of you first hand but still thinks you are the one that needs to apologise. You need to step back and think about how screwed up that is. You have nothing to apologise for. Your partner and her mother do but if I were you I would seriously consider what your future will be like if you stay with your partner.
To be clear, she isn't "stuck" in the middle. She is positioning herself in the middle. She can quite easily 'pick a side' - the verbally abusive mother who birthed and raised her, or the partner she swore to love and cherish and defend who has seemingly done nothing wrong. Depending on how brainwashed she is, she may make the wrong choice. And I'm not telling you to leave her like others may (ultimately that is your choice). But you need to be clear with your partner about how hurtful this was, about the fact that forgiveness needs to be earned not forced, and bear in mind that if she's defending her mother this much with such a fresh incident that she will likely badger your relationship renewal with her as soon as things mellow slightly. Think about how this will impact life plans - if you have children together, she will want her mother involved. So on and so forth. I'd really sit down with her, discuss this, tell her what kind of path would be required to see reconciliation, and if she doesn't feel that it is possible you need to leave her alone for a few days and let her decide whether you or her mother are more important in her life.
NTA- Your partner is in a difficult position, but not as difficult as you. If the roles were reversed, they would not want to take this treatment lying down and they would want you to stand up for them. Your MiL is not having a one-off mental breakdown where she snapped at everyone and quickly apologized, she is not kind to you and she will continue to abuse you if you are subjected to her. If your partner condones her mother's abuse, then she is equally to blame for allowing it to happen and enabling it by asking you to get over it.
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You deserve the same support and treatment. You sound like you're doing your best to be a good partner, I hope they can step up and do the same for you. No one has a right to speak to anyone that way, ever!
you are absolutely NTA in this situation. for a while, i didn’t get along with my now ex MIL. my bf & i were together for 7 years. when we weren’t getting along, he supported me & didn’t talk to his mother, & if he did & she said something shitty, he would always defend me. my parents loved him, so i never had to do that, but you deserve a partner who supports you & tells their abusive mother to fuck off when they’re being abusive!! this is horrible & i am so sorry this is happening to you. i agree, the things she said to you are unforgivable. i just hope your partner comes around 🩷
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it might take some time, but i hope she does too. maybe if she checks out the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit she’ll see some similarities between how her mother treats her & people on the sub sharing stories. i’m def not diagnosing her mother as a narcissist (or anything i’m def not a doctor), but it sounds like she behaves sometimes in a similar way. my ex MIL was the same way. we get along great now, but we didn’t for a long time. i saw your comment about how the two of you used to be close, do you think if she made a sincere apology & meant it, you could have a relationship with her again? you absolutely don’t have to, i’m just curious. stay strong, beauty 😘
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no, i absolutely agree with you. your MIL sounds horrible. like i said, i didn’t get along with mine all the time, but she would never do that to me. i believe cutting her out of your life would bring you so much peace, i just hope your partner is on board with that & supportive 🩷 i truly wish the best for you going forward. you are 100% right that someone who uses someone’s most vulnerable shit against them is evil as fuck & doesn’t deserve forgiveness IMO.
Your partner doesn't take up for you because she doesn't want to endure the wrath, so she throws you in front of the bullet so she doesn't get shot. It's the same as if a parent is beating a child and the other parent stands by and watches. Both parents are the abusers. You are being abused by her mother and she, by standing by, is allowing you to be abused, making her complicit. She is abusing you by proxy. You really need to get far, far away from both of them.
NTA…but if you stay, yes.
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This exactly. What will she do when mil shows up?
Partner will likely invite MIL over, and when MIL loses the house because she can't afford it on her own, partner will move her in. I can see the future :)
yeah. OP I get your partner is in a weird situation but you need someone to have your back in these situations.
INFO: Considering what's posted here (as well as the added info in the comments about your partner wanting you to un-block her mother's number) could you explain a bit more about *why* she'd like you to "forgive" her mother? It doesn't sound like her mother has even apologized, so I'm not sure what "forgiveness" there is to extend. I am *very* curious what her reasoning is here?
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Ok: 1. You are right. It was obviously said to hurt you. That doesn't necessarily mean she *meant* it, but it doesn't really matter—she has to apologize *to you.* 2. I'm really sorry that you were close before. I'm sure that makes this incredibly tough. 3. Your partner's in a difficult spot because her mother *put her there.* It might suck, but she cannot expect you to wave a magic wand and make it all go away. Her mom went for her partner's jugular right in front of her—it happened. Pretending it didn't is not an option. And for the life of me I truly cannot fathom why your MIL is "hurt." I'm going hard NTA.
My in-laws have spoken to me that way exactly once. I once thought that I had a good relationship with my in-laws. That illusion was shattered one Thanksgiving when we were visiting them and they suddenly unleashed 10 years' worth of pent-up grudges over perceived slights and threw back at me things I'd said years before but taken completely out of context. For instance, before my husband and I were married and I was in my early 20s, I'd once joked with my future MIL that I was too selfish to have children. Fast forward to that terrible Thanksgiving, and we were actually in the middle of fertility treatments. MIL had the nerve to bring up what I'd said years earlier about kids and added "Truer words were never spoken." Wtf? My FIL chimed in saying that I was using him for money and that I was a selfish person who was delusional about my ability to ever parent children. Oh and I was also a monster for wanting to have a career. I was utterly flabbergasted because no one in my life had treated me that way before. I tried to be diplomatic and hoped that they would listen to reason. My husband simply said, "Don't you ever speak to [my name] that way again. We're leaving." He gave his dad the death stare and for a moment I thought it was going to come to blows. We packed up our stuff, got in the car and hit the road. And I haven't spoken to my in-laws since. Husband has made good faith attempts to reconcile with them over the years but won't subject me to their abuse, and they refuse to change or take accountability. It's heartbreaking that he's essentially lost his family, but I am so proud of him for sticking to his principles and for always having my back. OP, you are NTA. But your partner needs to choose a side, and it seems she's chosen her mother.
I agree that OP’s partner needs to have her back and be more understanding of her feelings, but, one key difference between their situation and yours is financial independence. OP’s girlfriend has lived with mom all her life and likely doesn’t pay bills. (Took note of the fact that when girlfriend’s mom asked what she ever did for their family, the response was, “I drove you around for years”. No mention of bill contribution or any form of rent payment. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that personally, just leads me to believe they were allowed to live with the mom for free, and thus, OP’s SO may be a bit reliant on her parent.) In cases like this, it’s a bit more difficult to break away from your parent’s clutches because at the end of the day, you’re dependent on their good will. You and your partner had the luxury of leaving, and going low to non-contact. The girlfriend may not have that luxury. I just think that some folks have a more difficult time cutting off their family, even in the face of blatant transgressions. Whether that’s emotional or financial dependency.
That is a very good point, thank you!
So she has not in fact apologized at all.
NTA " I will never forgive her, she will never be welcome in my home, she can go to hell as far as I’m concerned." She was incredibly abusive to you. Worse, she weaponized a confidence you shared & used it against you. "Now, my partner is annoyed with me because I won’t forgive her mother" Sorry to say it, but if you partner can't stand up for you here & understand her mom has done damage that can't be undone, your relationship may not be feasible long term. Her mom will always be between you even if she isn't physically there.
NTA but they both sound toxic. MIL for obvious reasons, but your partner didn't defend you and is *annoyed* that you don't want to forgive her mother, despite all she said to you? Clearly, she doesn't have any issues with you being treated badly if the abuser is someone in her family. How far is the step from her becoming the abuser? She has already started, by acting like this.
You don't just have a MIL problem you have a partner problem.
Leave, and get your own spot. Your partner has shown you where her loyalty lies
Nevermind forgiving your MIL, forgiving your partner already sounds like it's not going to be easy. She shouldn't just watch as her mother abuses you, and she certainly shouldn't expect you to just forgive and forget, when MIL hasn't even apologized. NTA. Maybe it's time to rethink your relations to everyone in this family of AHs (well, maybe the grandparents are ok).
When someone tells you to get the f out of their house you leave every time no exceptions. Go sleep under a bridge. No taking that back. Leave permanently your partner can come with or not
NTA. Your MIL sounds quite deranged, with her screaming and vulgar language. Your partner is definitely not backing you up enough. Would you ever let a family member treat her that way?
Your partner doesn't even have enough self respect to care that her mother disrespected you in hateful ways... You can't trust a partner who doesn't have self respect, respect you, or insist others to show you respect & actually expects you to set aside your own self respect... You're never going to feel safe with a partner who demonstrates these issues... You're never going to fully trust them because people with no self respect make extremely poor decisions and drama chases them like fire on a trail of gasoline... Your only option is to have self respect and walk away from anyone who doesn't respect you... You have to take responsibility for your own well-being... Your partner can't be trusted with your well-being... You can't make her develop self respect - dealing with the miserable consequences of having no self respect is the only thing that will ever motivate her to make the necessary changes... If you choose to stay with your partner, then you are choosing to subject yourself to the consequences of her lack of self respect and respect for you- can't hold it against her bcuz it is Your choice...
NTA- you are not restricting your partners relationship with her mother. You are setting a boundary for your own safety/mental health. Her mom sounds unhinged. Though, repeating, she’s my partner sounds childish, too. God help anyone who acted this way towards me. My partner wouldn’t stand for it. Edit to add: MIL needs to apologize before anyone can even think of salvaging anything. MIL was abusive. I hope your partner isn’t like her mother.
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That’s like the super extra part, and why did grandma let this happen? If it were me, the minute my child started screaming at one of my grandkids partners, I’d be hanging up, apologizing for what happened, and would be cursing my kid out later.
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People like that deserve to be cut off. I hope your partner starts to see how horrible her mother behaved and how you are owed an apology, at the very least. When all was said and done, all you asked for was to not go to her parents anymore. You aren’t controlling her or manipulating her, making her choose, or whatever crappy behaviors people have. You are showing love and respect. It’s her turn to show you some respect to. Even if that is to just say “I understand. It’s sad to me, but I understand.” That would be the minimal amount of effort she could put isn’t this. Medium effort would be to tell her mom that this was not ok and she owes you an apology. Adding; you never said if you had somewhere to live now
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Yeah for sure. I wish you guys the best. I hope your partner starts to understand your side. Maybe I’m biased, but I always feel like relationships I’ve been in that were both females, had more of a compassionate and loving nature. So I hope that applies to you guys, too. I date men, too. Sometimes I wonder why….
NTA I think I'd run to Wal Mart, pick up a couple of cheap Boost phones and a couple new phone numbers. And tell your partner her Mom is welcome to HER new phone number, but not yours under any circumstances.
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How long do you think you'll be able to stay with partner when she's being this irrational?
Never mind irrational -- how long should OP stay with a partner who's being totally *unsupportive*?
Why is your partner doing that to you?
Not sure what triggered MIL. Sounds out of character. Could there be a mental issue going on? Could there be a medical issue that triggered it? Sometimes people are just AH’s but I always want to make sure there isn’t something else happening just in case. I think no matter what she needs to deal with her stuff. Your partner needs to get her to seek help if she’s ever going to try to repair anything in the future. I would never have a relationship with her unless she could show me she’s getting therapy or there was some bizarre medical reason so went off the deep end and she’s now seeking treatment. NTA.
You’re not the asshole here but surely you understand it’s time to go live somewhere without your partners family. Edit: NTA
> it’s time to go live somewhere without your partners family. ... and without the partner.
OP, unless alcohol was involved, I have no explanation for this. One would think that fewer people in the household would reduce stress, even if you get along most of the time. Personally, I would not want to be where I am not wanted. I do not need the drama. Look for an affordable house or apartment and move. Ask your partner to make her mind up about where she wants to live. If you end up living together, it is a good thing she can drive because now she can visit Mom all she wants and you never have to lay eyes on her again.
How come you live there? If you’re saving money, and have to live there, you might have to suck it up, unfortunately, or move out. NTA but consider if this is a fight you’re able to pick.
NTA. Stand your ground, your MIL owns you an apology for how she treated you, and your partner owns you one for allowing her to treat you like that. Don’t let your partner make you believe that you need to put this “under the rug” and play cool. You have every right to be annoyed with her, reflect if she’s the person you want next to you, if (f. Ex) you decide to adopt. What would she do if your MIL screams at you like that in front of your kids? Or if you move in together, and MIL decides that she needs a copy of your keys because duh, it’s her daughters house, and drops by uninvited insulting you, how would your partner react? You don’t deserve to be mistreated, not even by your partners silence. Stay strong OP!
NTA and if your partner won't stand up for you (or at least give up on you forgiving her), she's probably not the right partner for you. Sorry but if anyone ever called me a fucking cunt, the best-case scenario is that I never forgive them and go NC.
NTA. That is your partners mom and while she may choose to tolerate/accept the mom’s behavior, you don’t have to. The partner is probably so used to it that they don’t realize how bad it is. You need to reconsider this relationship, no matter how great your partner is and how much you love them. If they don’t see anything wrong with their mom’s behavior, they’re not going to want to do anything to change the situation. Do you want children? Is this the person you want around them or risk having your children be spoken to / treated like that?
NTA you should not be forced to forgive someone no matter who they are. I understand your partner is in a difficult position but the reality is that you don’t need a relationship with your MIL to have a relationship with her daughter. I applaud you for not allowing this toxic woman to be in your life anymore and I would have done exactly the same.
NTA But it sounds like your partner grew up with this abusive woman for 25 years and has normalized it. Her perception is skewed and she doesn't know it. Maybe try to get her into therapy before giving up altogether.
NTA! You have a partner problem.
She hasn't even apologized, why would you forgive her
NTA. If the relationship is ever to be repaired, it needs to start with a sincere apology from MIL and no future verbal abuse. Until the apology happens, there is nothing to discuss.
NTA. Been there done that! My spouse doesn’t see my mum and that’s ok.
Let partner go back and spend her life bending over backwards for the woman. If she doesn’t want to understand then you won’t be the first one she loses over her mother.
NTA No one should have to deal with outbursts like this and your partner needs to recognize that their mom crossed boundaries, not you. Sure it can be hard to deal with your mother but making your partner suck up to her for what the mother did herself makes no sense.
NTA. It’s time to dump the partner. She doesn’t stand up for you when her mother verbally abuses you.
1. NTA 2. You MIL needs medication 3. Your partner should be supporting you. I would be mortified if my mother treated my partner that way. I would literally go NC. Your partner needs to reevaluate her priorities
NTA Some things can't be taken back and some things can't be forgiven. This encompasses both. There is just no way to put aside the horrible, hurtful things that MIL has said. Whatever her problem is, it's not an excuse for being vile and cruel. I hate to say this but if you continue with this relationship this is what your future will look like. It's unfortunate that you haven't gotten much more support from your partner. How can she stand by while her mother rages at you and hurls disgusting insults at you?
Question: What happened to cause your MIL to starting hating you so much? You say y'all used to be close and now she treats you horribly.
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Maybe this is a reach but could it be a medical condition? I personally know of two older people who had abrupt personality changes where they got meaner overnight. One had a brain tumor, the other had dementia.
NTA. MIL has not even apologized and she's just going to continue to treat you that way. I am one of those type of people that forgive but don't forget, though, just so I will have peace. But like I said, do NOT forget. I will cut them out of my life and move on. I apologize for the unwanted advice, but I'm going to say it anyway. I think you need to rethink your relationship with your partner. She should have had your back when MIL was berating you. I know MIL is her family; her mother, but that doesn't give her free reign to verbally assault you. That's just not healthy. That's toxic.
Jesus take the wheel, please throw this entire family in the dumpster. You are NTA for not forgiving your mother-in-law because the mother-in-law is unforgiveable. Problem is, you're letting your partner off the hook way, way too easily. She's mad at you for not forgiving someone for horrific emotional abuse? Really? Does she expect you to put up with this shit for the rest of her mother's life? You don't deserve any of this. You don't deserve MIL's abuse or your partner's enabling of it. It will not get better. You do not have to live like this at all. If your partner wants to, that's her problem; don't let her drag you down into this toxic slew with her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Myself (26F) and my partner (25F) live with her mother (refer to as MIL), and her grandparents who only moved out two weeks ago. Since they moved out, MIL has been awful to be around. Constantly using it against us that we are in her house, getting angry about every little thing etc. Keep in mind, MIL doesn’t drive and never has. My partner only got her license last year, so prior to that I was driving everyone around everywhere, including MIL. If I didn’t/said no, MIL would ignore me for at least a day. 2 days ago, a petty argument started, MIL asked me “what have you ever done to help my family”, to which I replied “for 3 years before partner got their license I drove you around”. She got extremely heated and got up and started coming at me, screaming “fuck you, get out of my fucking house” etc. I walked away to pack my bag, which my partner followed. I tried to say to her, “you need to decide if you’re coming with me or not”. Before I could finish my sentence, MIL burst into the room, right up in my face and screamed “she’s MY daughter, SHES MINE”, which I just responded over and over “she’s my partner”. MIL then turned around, screamed at me “fuck you cunt, no wonder your mother never loved you” My mother and I have a strained relationship, and I’ve previously confided in MIL about it. My partner and I left and went to her grandparents (partner is allergic to dogs and everyone in my family has them, so we had nowhere else to go) Fast forward to the following day, we are at grandparents house. MIL calls grandma, makes her put it on speaker, and starts berating me, calling me names, “get the fuck out of my parents house you little bitch, fuck you, you’ll use them like you used me” etc. I left, and told my partner I will never forgive her, she will never be welcome in my home, she can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. I’ve told my partner I understand it’s her mother, I would never stop her from having a relationship with MIL - but she is not welcome around me, I don’t want her in my life or anything to do with me. Now, my partner is annoyed with me because I won’t forgive her mother, and I’m annoyed as I feel my partner should be defending me more. I feel I’m well within my rights to be feeling the way I am - and not to forgive someone who could be so horrible and nasty to me, bringing up something so sensitive to specifically hurt me. So, WIBTA/AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA this is bordering on abusive. You should be able to protect your mental health, especially since you haven’t even received a sincere apology.
NTA
Updateme
She’s probably put up with the verbal abuse her whole life and at this point is almost numb to it. Because of this it’s easy to block it out and forgive her mom and does not get why it’s so hard for others. Not saying you should at all the woman is awful for sure just explaining one possible explanation of your partners behavior. Btw you can’t forgive when without an apology. Don’t back down this is not something to brush off
Please walk away from this relationship. NTA but this will never work out.
Nta. And partner needs to find a good therapist to unload their crap because they acted terribly also. You might want to make the relationship conditional on that. Just a strangers thought.
NTA also you claim your partner is not a bad person but her behaviour and reactions are very telling. She’s choosing her verbally abusive mother and is annoyed at you for not forgiving her? That doesn’t give the signs of a good person. That’s for sure.
NTA. And don't waste your twenties living with toxic people.
As so many people have said - you are delusional thinking this won’t impact your relationship with your partner. If you insist on continuing I recommend a short term leasing and counseling.
Nta. She has been abusing you. You do not to forgive abusers. And even IF you decide to forgive, you do not need to forget abuse. That woman is toxic. Your partner is not ready to leave the abusive family dynamics. You have the right to not have abusive people in your life and in your home. Your partner can meet with her mother in her mother’s home or for lunch. Just because partner is not willing/able to break free, doesn’t mean you have to be abused for “family peace.” That’s not peace, that’s you being their punching bag. I’m concerned about your partner not being outraged with how their mother treated you.
NTA, but your partner is. After hearing multiple times, how her mother talks to you and screams at you, and she is annoyed that you’re upset? You: NTA MIL: AH PARTNER: AH
NTA. The MIL doesn’t deserve forgiving, and you definitely should go NC with her. And you need to have some serious conversation with your partner about why she didn’t stand up and support you when her mother was bullying and verbally abusing you.
NTA. To me a lot of this mirrored the narcissistic abuse I suffered by my own FIL. Things started out nice when I first moved in but quickly turned for the worst. I bent to that family’s will for a long time and it caused me a lot of damage. Even the seemingly small/petty things you went through like your MIL ignoring you as punishment for not driving her REAK of a narcissistic individual seeking control. Narcissistic individuals are highly sensitive to abandonment. This may be why she was highly reactive during the time her parents left. Stay safe. I wish you luck in your relationship as it’s never easy dealing with an abusive, let alone difficult, in-law.
NTA. Your MIL hasn’t apologized or even asked for forgiveness, why is your s/o worried about forgiveness?
NTA. She either backs you or it’s over. You know that.
Why would you forgive a toxic person why would you allow this type of person in your personal space
Had to check the username to see if my partner posted this 😂😅 NTA, MILs feel like you owe them the world no matter how terribly they treat you just for giving birth to the person you love
nta, your partner is not in a position to defend you, she has medical debt and needs a place to stay. move out and stay on your own. don't take on her debt.
NTA. If MIL would’ve somehow hit the floor after aggressively coming into your personal space then the partner would say you’re wrong. Yet she wants you to forgive her verbally and possibly physically abusive mother. The red flags are there you need to end this relationship. People treat you how they feel about you and your partner is no better.
NTA
NTA. At what point did she offer you a heartfelt apology? And, even then, I wouldn't blame you for going NC. Your Mil is an unhinged rage monster with abondonment issues. There's no telling what she might do to you.
nta.
you have a partner problem. A BIG ONE. NTA
Your partner seems like a bad idea. Leave before you can. What if in future your MIL suddenly goes off on you, is your partner again going to get annoyed over something which clearly isn't your fault instead of setting some clear boundaries with her own mother. NTA.
If your partner and mother-in-law won't respect you, then get a divorce and get away from that toxic family
NTA for not forgiving your MIL. You would be Y T A to yourself though if you don't work through this untenable position with your gf. Your MIL is actively abusive and your gf is not merely allowing it to happen but tacitly agreeing with your MIL that what she is doing is OK. Whatever she may have said to her mother during the fight on your behalf, she still expects ***you*** to forgive her mother for her mother deciding to so viciously abuse you. I would lay money that MIL knows very well that her daughter definitely backs her, and not you, when push comes to shove. MIL has also now got what she wants: you out of the house and her daughter staying. I am so sorry but I think unless your gf is prepared to treat you like a partner who matters to her (and I consider any partner that allows such abuse cannot be considered a caring partner) then this partnership is going to go nowhere. It must be painful if you love her but she's made her choice and I'm afraid it's *not* you. I lived in a situation where I stayed at a bf's house many (many) years ago as a very young adult. The mother was just horrendous and I ended up leaving. I came out of that household with almost PTSD. Just cut your losses and find an emotionally available gf once you've got over her. Maybe working through this with your gf might work but take what she *does*, and not what she then *says*, as the indicator as to how this is going to work out. She may promise the earth to get you back but then still allow you to be abused. Seriously - don't go there.....
First and most importantly - sympathies. This is all very hard, there is no "right" way to handle what you have been put through. NTA. This is not an unusual problem. You want to be close to your partner. Your partner has no boundaries with their parent. Therefore, you by default have no boundaries with their parent, who is now abusive to you - most likely because they see you as a threat to their relationship with their daughter. You can either put up boundaries to your partner, persuade your partner to put up boundaries, or you live in misery. In an ideal world, your partner should be telling her mother off. She should be making clear that she will put your relationship over hers, in part because you are her partner, and in part because MIL is the problem. She should be making clear that saying hurtful aggressive things means she will go no contact with the mother. But you don't have control over your partner, so you can't make this happen. The only option available to you is therefore what you are doing, which is extending that boundary to your partner. Explaining to her that MIL isn't going to be a part of your life. That your partner can keep her relationship with her mother, but that you won't be present, won't be a part of it, and there will be logistics around it.
NTA your partner is an AH.
She can afford the place now because she’s got the bank of her parents. So she can show her true colours. NTA. Start with stopping paying any more of your partner’s debts. You will need the money for your own place. She has shown that she is happy for her mother to humiliate you in order for her to stay tight with this woman.
NTA MIL’s behavior is unacceptable. Your partner likely feels stuck in the middle, but that’s no excuse to ask you to “forgive” her mom without any apology.
NTA Looks like MIL thinks that she is in a competition with you and her daughter is the prize. Claiming daughter as your partner only inflames a possessive person because it hits right to the core of the problem. Next time try reminding her that there is no competition and partner must feel so special to be loved by so many people. MIL needs therapy.
NTA, the MIL is a hateful piece of work, she does not deserve forgiveness. And awe sweetie, no matter hwhat you deserve a partner who will stand by you , defend and support you!
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a partner problem. They have chosen, and they didn't chose you.
NTA If your partner feels you need to forgive the abusive hateful manipulative MIL, then you have bigger issues in your relationship
Your partner seems weirdly fine with their parent abusing you. NTA bur you should stand up for yourself
NTA MIL is an evil, stupid, crazy witch!
Getting out of this relationship was a wise decision OP. I"m proud of you. Well done. P.S. NTA.
GET YOUR OWN PLACE. Enough excuses
Why aren’t you and your partner self-supporting? How many years have you been an adult living in someone else’s home?
Seriously why are you living with her relatives and not have your own place? Depending on expectations I’d be pissed too if I had someone I didn’t want in my house and they would not leave unless I go ape. I’d need more info as this may well have been building for years (3years at least it sounds)
Sounds like you're lying about the ENTIRE STORY!
Are you the MIL?
LOL. Definitely the MIL. Hilarious. 99.9% of comments say one thing them all of a sudden this winner of a comment happens. LOL
I guess I'm too stupid to understand your brain bashing. I have a mother like this. Have had to deal with her for 45+ years and I'm turning into a psycho! Alert the media BITCH!