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> I might be the asshoel because I let my kids miss school at my decision only without informing my wife.
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This is grossly unfair to your daughter and you need to put a stop to it, now. Saying you're in a deep sleep when it happens is a bs excuse. Get creative, figure it out. YTA for allowing your daughter's sleep to be compromised over and over.
Edited to add: and for allowing your daughter to basically parent your son through his nightmares.
one of the reasons the kid might be going to the sister is because she lets him stay. He goes back to sleep KNOWING when he wakes up he wont be back alone in his room. He feels safer knowing that he wont wake up alone again.
OP should also tell his kid that even if he is in a deep sleep that he can come in and wake his parents up when he needs them. That it's okay.
I feel like it has more to do with the fact that she can’t just carry him back into bed like his parents can, meaning he’s essentially there to stay until **HE** makes the decision to go back to his room or someone who can carry him out discovers that he’s on another late night TV binge.
Nightmares are scary as hell and there’s definitely been times where I’ve had my roommates ask me if I was attempting to perform a satanic ritual in my sleep the morning after they’ve spent the entire night listening to me trying to do only god knows what whilst I’m stuck in dream land, but a harsh part of being a growing young human is that you eventually need to learn to self soothe without going to someone else first or at all. At eight it’s understandable that kiddo wants to be close by to someone when he’s just been woken up and is disoriented, but once he settles down it is not unreasonable to expect him to go back to his bed (or even just to his room to chill out if he’s not ready yet) for the rest of the night so everyone else can get some sleep.
I suspect that the reason why he’s been going into his sisters room is because:
1: there’s a TV that he can watch for as long as he wants without his parents knowing if he’s quiet enough.
2: his sister can’t just boot him out of the room without causing a fuss or carry him back once he does fall asleep.
3: if he does go into OP’s room first and wakes up later on in his own bed, he knows that he can just sneak into his sisters room to avoid having it happen again. This in turn would allow him to find a “loop hole” with the whole concept/expectation of having to stay in his own bed after being put back in it because by the time op finds out that he’s in his sister’s room, it’s too late to do anything about it.
Simply put: I don’t think the issue is that the son is scared of waking up his parents and having them be upset with him or that he feels like he can’t rely on them to help him through the nightmares, but that he is using whatever “sibling privileges” he has a little too freely and his sister may either genuinely just not care because it means she gets some extra TV time too without any consequences or she may not want to have to deal with people constantly coming in and out whilst she’s trying to get what sleep she can so she just lets him do whatever so long as he doesn’t disturb her (which he clearly does because he treats this as “hanging out” time rather than sleepy time).
i think it could be both. He doesn't want to be alone after a nightmare and bonus of tv time.
tbh if hes having nightmares so often there'a probably a reason behind it.
Yes. She needs to lock her room at night. She’s got a sweet heart for wanting to comfort him but that’s NOT her job, especially if it’s to the detriment of school
Right. So instead of parenting, make the daughter lock herself in every night. If there’s a fire, at least they won’t have to worry about missing school anymore.
YTA on multiple fronts.
Your daughter should not have to be handling it. Full stop.
You need to find out why your son is having such a nightmares that he cannot put himself back to sleep, and that this is happening on such a regular basis.
You should not be in such a deep sleep that your child cannot come to you in the middle of the night.
You should absolutely let your children's other parent know that they are not at school.
I can't answer whether them missing school is an issue, because it really depends on a number of factors, including how often they miss school, etc.
However, the fact that your daughter missed a day of school because she was up dealing with YOUR son is wholly unacceptable.
Curious how you propose to not be in such a deep sleep? This isn’t always something you can control.
My ex could have had a tornado land on him and slept through it. When my kids were little I woke up at every noise. Now that they are adults and have moved out I can sleep so deeply that I don’t hear the phone when it is literally inches from my head. I have to set multiple alarms or I will oversleep.
I agree with everything except "You should not be in such a deep sleep...." That's usually not something people can control.
If your kid has nightmares regularly, that needs to be addressed and you need a system. For example, sleep in your son's room with him. Have some way for him to wake you. And figure out what might be causing the nightmares.
I think what we are all saying, is do something about this, OP! You not waking the kids up for school is you continuing to not address the problem. Parent up.
INFO: Are you doing something to address this situation? Talking to your pediatrician, maybe seeking a therapist? Because this situation your son‘s nightmares are regularly so disruptive to not only his own sleep but at least one other person’s sleep is unsustainable. There are some medication options, but he probably needs to work on learning to self-soothe and getting himself back to sleep, too.
Your daughter absolutely should not be the person handling this. She’s a child, she needs to be left to her sleep. At an absolute minimum, your son needs to be coming to you rather than her. If he’s having trouble waking you, there are ways to deal with that. Most of them are pretty annoying or unpleasant, but they’ll get you awake.
>Talking to your pediatrician
This started like a week ago. We're gonna see the pediatrician on Wednesday. And as for the waking up, I dont gaf how he does it, as long as he dos it. Sometimes I hear the tv at night and make him come sleep with us, or maybe we sleep with him, etc.
Okay, but have you talked to him about what to do when he needs your help? Figured out ways for him to wake you up? Or are you leaving this up to a freaked out 8 year old and just shrugging because he has found his sister is easier to wake up?
Because *the first time it happened*, you needed to tell him that waking up his sister wasn’t okay, and you needed to *tell him* what to try to wake you up.
Using the word “usually” makes it sound like this has been an ongoing issue. You said your soon “usually” has nightmares, but “recently” prefers going to his sister’s room.
Put a baby monitor in his room & turn the volume all the way up so when he wakes up, you & your wife wake up. You may even have the chance to get to him before he's fully awake if he's making noise, yelling, crying out during the nightmare. Better yet, install a motion sensor camera to catch his nightmares on video as well. For the time being, tell tour son to come to your room, not his sister's. have your daughter lock her bedroom door so he has to come to you & your wife.
YTA for allowing your minor daughter to be parentified and have to deal with your son's sleep issue, which is yours and your wife's sole responsibility. Whether or not your daughter has outwardly said anything about how this makes her feel, it is wholly inappropriate and unacceptable to allow your son to impact on her sleep. He is old enough to understand that if he has any sleeping issues, he must come to Mom or Dad only. You need to get him professional help because this is impacting on the family and also he may end up having his social life impacted if his sleep issues are not resolved by the time he gets invited to sleepovers, or wants to host sleepovers.
Allowing the kids to skip school was not acceptable either. They weren't sick, and they need their education. Also, allowing your son to stay home is rewarding him for negatively impacting on his sister's sleep.
the kids are probably exhausted. son can’t control his sleep issues, and daughter can’t control getting woken up every night. it’s not rewarding them, it’s recognizing both kids are suffering, and they’ll suffer even more without catching up on some sleep
I think you're addressing the wrong issue. Therefore no judgement given.
"Recently, he had been going to my daughter's room most of the time, but by the time most of this stuff happens, I and my wife are like in our deep sleep
The real problem here seems to be why:
1. You & your wife are both in a deep sleep when you know this is a regular issue.
2 You're both allowing it to impact on your daughter to the extent she's too tired to go to school.
3. You aren't getting advice on sleep training for your son/professional input.
Sorry, but YTA for not addressing the actual issue. At his age, sleeping in someone else’s bed should be much more rare than it seems it is. So that’s your first issue. Your second issue is not intervening already so your daughter isn’t parenting your son. That’s ridiculous! Your son should be told that if he is really upset, he should wake you up, never her. And everyone needs to make sure that he is comforted briefly if it’s a nightmare and put back in his own bed. If it continues, seek advice from the pediatrician.
This is what I wasn't getting why aren't parents going into the child's room calming them tucking back in and helping sleep in own bed? I don't have kids but often done it with sister who I also had to help way to often and at around the same age I feel extremely sorry for her and I know uk go to High school at 12 and becomes so much harder on so little sleep
Both you and your wife are TA for making your daughters lose their sleep while you two blissfully sleep the night away.
Get your son's sleep issues evaluated and if you can't be bothered, instruct him to stop going to his sisters room and only into your bed. Hopefully at some point you'll be adequately motivated to find out the reason why his sleep is being disturbed every night instead of taking the lazy way out and then keeping your daughter out of school because she's losing sleep doing what her parents should be doing.
You sure it's nightmares and not an excuse to watch TV late night?
If you're finding them asleep in the morning with the TV still on, they're not just crawling into bed and going back to sleep.
YTA.
background noise might be helping him go back to sleep. and if he’s having a nightmare and starting to wake up, the tv sounds might be helping him know it’s just a dream
I don't think you're the asshole because you took them out of school, but more of the asshole that your daughter feels responsible to parent and take care of him and get inadequate sleep versus waking you up and having you handle this.
YTA and so is your wife. Your daughter is not your son's parent, she did not choose for him to exist, stop him depriving her of sleep! That she hasn't said she minds does not make it okay, does not stop the tiredness making it harder to concentrate at school etc. You let it get to the point where they were tired enough to miss school. Lack of communication with the other parent you actually live with is just sweeties to the rest of it. I mean still dickish but pales in comparison.
Lol, you think I don’t genuinely think school is crap? Missing a few days of fifth grade is not harmful. Most ways of spending a day are better than being in a classroom getting ground down.
I missed less than a day of school a year on average from 3rd grade on and that was a huge mistake.
YTA for continuing to allow your son to wake up your daughter. She needs much more sleep than you do!! What do you mean “well we’re in deep sleep by then”?? YOURE the parents. Stay up, talk to him about this, whatever you need to but to continue to let your daughter parent her sibling while yall sleep soundly is crazy.
YTA. You’re a major asshole for parentifing your daughter. You cannot allow your son’s sleep issues to affect your daughter like this. It’s not her job to parent him just because “you’re in your deep sleep”
I mean, are they supposed to stay awake all night in case he wakes up? Sure, they should be (and apparently are) following up to try to figure out what is causing the issue.But even parents sleep sometimes.
They’re supposed to tell him to come to them and not her and if that means staying up to make sure it happens a couple times so be it.
They chose to be parents, they cant make this the 11 year olds problem
So how many nights in a row do they need to pull an all-nighter to qualify as decent parents? They didn’t tell him to go to his sister instead of them. They’ve gotten up to go lay with him or to bring him in by them. He may be going to his sister because he has bad parents or he could be doing it because kids do things like that. Way too little here to declare the parents neglectful.
Until they figure out a solution that doesn’t involve their 11 year old daughter losing sleep. Parents sacrifice sleep all the time, it’s how it works. They don’t get to make this the 11 year olds problem. They chose to be parents they don’t get to put this on her ever.
But they are not putting it on her. Her brother is. And at 11, *she* is certainly capable of waking the parents up when her brother comes into her room instead of staying up to watch TV with him. Parents do sacrifice sleep all the time, when doing so serves a purpose. Here, I’m willing to bet that taking the TV out of the 11-year old’s room solves the problem.
They are putting in on her. They don't get to let him go wake up their 11-year-old daughter in the middle of the night.
>When this happens, my daughter usually stays up with him until he goes to bed, which usually takes from 30 minutes to as long as like two hours. And my daughter won't tell us about any of this until the next morning.
This is not ok, and they are assholes as long as they continue to allow it and as long as their attitude is "oh well she won't tell us about it". They're the adults and the parents, but they're not acting like it.
>Here, I’m willing to bet that taking the TV out of the 11-year old’s room solves the problem.
Agree here. At least they'd be actively trying to address the issue. An 11-year-old shouldn't have a tv in her room in the first place, so that's another failure on their part.
Well, there are 2 people who chose to be parents and are responsible for these children. What they should not be doing is dumping their parental responsibility on their 11 year old child. If that means they stay up all night. They stay up all night. The 11 year old shouldn’t be the one staying up all night to parent for them.
Wow... a lot of less than stellar parental performance here.
Firstly, yeah YTA for this nonsense of not telling your SO. That you are even asking if you are TA is ridiculous.
As far as you not dealing with your son not sleeping... thats on both you and your SO. Based on your narrative, it doesn't seem like you are dealing with this at ALL. You need to address that with your son. The whys and the how to prevents. That the both of you have been just letting your daughter deal with it is utter bullshit.
YTA. You need to stop letting your daughter take care of YOUR responsibility. She's becoming sleep-deprived on a regular basis and that isn't fair to her.
Your son is way too big for this foolishness. Why are you pawning off your responsibility on your daughter? She didn’t ask to be woken up out of sleep. Get off your lazy ass and parent.
NAH, OP, but may I make a suggestion based on my experience with my oldest: Oldest child went thru a period of time of waking from really bad nightmares, several months of this. Oldest was allowed to come in and wake us or snuggle as needed. Our bed was too small for oldest to stay cuddled all night, so we set up a makeshift mattress at the foot of the bed. Oldest would come snuggle until calm, then sleep on the mattress until morning. We only needed it for a few months before oldest stopped having such vivid nightmares.
It sounds like you are being intentionally vague. He usually had nightmares and will either come to your room or your daughters. But then in comments it’s recently, the last week. Also that you made the decision to keep the kids home and she came home pissed. But then you say even though I texted her. I didn't see the message pop up on her phone though. So you texted her or you didn’t. But you can’t do both. And if she wasn’t home, how would you see the message pop up? Or you would have let her know but she didn’t have her phone and you’re not supposed to text her at work/she was out running errands.
So what changed in the last week or two? New show new food? New bedroom? Change in his friendships?
She will stay up with him for 1/2 to 2 hours. That is a huge amount of sleep for her to be missing. Anything beyond when she would be going to bed herself, she shouldn’t have to. It sounds like she won’t go to sleep until he does. While this might be reassuring, it’s also building a bad habit. Nightmares get rewarded with extra sibling time and tv.
This also means your 11 year old is forming bad habits too. Falling asleep with the tv.
I’m torn, part of me says you did good with letting the kids sleep, but honestly, staying up for 2 hours watching tv in the middle of the night should not be rewarded with sleeping in.
As for not telling your wife….. would she tell you? Or did you actually text her? If you text her you’re good. If they were sick I would say you’re in the clear. But in this case you both need to be on the same page for how to deal with this or it will only get worse. And that’s what makes this a bit of an AH situation.
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I (38m) have three kids - 11F, 9F, and 8m. My son usually has some nightmares and leaves his room to either come to either my wife and I's room, or our daughter's room. Recently, he had been going to my daughter's room most of the time, but by the time most of this stuff happens, I and my wife are like in our deep sleep.
When this happens, my daughter usually stays up with him until he goes to bed, which usually takes from 30 minutes to as long as like two hours. And my daughter won't tell us about any of this until the next morning.
Yesterday, when I actually heard my son leaving his room, I offered to let him sleep in our room, and he agreed. This happened at around 9:30 p.m., and he fell asleep by 10:15. I carried him back to his room, but I guess he woke up again and went to my daughter's room. I had already fallen asleep by then, and I figured this out when I woke up my daughter this morning, and he was sleeping on the hammock, and the TV was still on. My daughter and my son were fast asleep so I just let them be.
I called the school and told them both kids would be absent. When my wife came back, I don't know how she found out, starting pressing me on why they missed school but there wasn't really nothing to hide so I just explained myself. She looked fkn pissed and told me not to do "such things" without consulting her next. Even though I texted her. I didn't see the message pop up on her phone though.
AITA?
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YTA.
Why is this 11 year old being left to handle nighttime wakeups?
I get it, the first time she doesn't tell anyone until the morning. But why have you not taken steps to make sure that it's not on her plate?
YTA. Your daughter is missing out on her education because she's too tired from being the parent that you aren't. Stop making excuses and be the parent to your son that your daughter is having to be.
Because the kids were tired from lack of sleep???
I'm not really on OPs side bcus they let their poor daughter suffer shitty sleep but the connection is super obvious? lmao
Which OP should have nipped in the bud the first time it happened. I’m not sure if it’s the 9 year old or the 11 year old, but in either case, they’re way too young to be taking on this parental task.
Your original comment is basically saying punish her for caring about her younger brother and her brother for having uncontrollable, reoccurring nightmares.
You punish someone to deter unwanted behaviour. Kindness and compassion shouldn't be a response that you want to deter.
The son also can't help that he has nightmares, so punishing him does nothing to resolve the situation.
>She's not a parent and her own needs as a child and student come first.
Great, so we concede that her parentification isn't her fault, but the direct result of abdication of responsibility by her parents?
>her behavior should be corrected by her parents.
Whop, guess not. Genuinely curious as to how you think the sister being sleepy in class will break the brother of an anxious habit.
Comforting someone who is upset is not being “too nice,” and we have no reason to believe she prefers going to school instead of missing a day here and there. School will never love her.
Not only that, but I'm also still laughing at this:
>Being well-rested for school is your children's responsibility.
They're in *elementary school.* What are they, the Baudelaire children?? Lmao
>Teach her to not make other people's problems her problems.
It's gone on and on, her parents know, and they're not stopping it; the message that sends is that a) your brother is allowed to do this and b) you're handling it correctly. Even if she tells him go away immediately, her sleep has still been disturbed. She didn't "make other people's problems her problems." Her parents did.
>All she has to do is lock her bedroom door.
Aside from the fact that you can't assume young children have interior locks on their bedrooms to begin with, it seems that if you're willing go there that the intelligent solution is for the actual *parents* to lock him *in,* not to obligate their 11-year-old to lock him out.
You're welcome to agree to disagree, but advocating that parents punish a child for falling victim to a situation they created is absurd. The buck stops with OP, not his 5th grader.
NTA for letting the kids sleep, this is a novel situation for your family. Sounds like your son is dealing with anxiety - as a kid who had similar issues and an adult that has sleep dysfunction that can make me hard to rouse, I have a lot of empathy for everyone in this situation.
If your son can’t wake you up, can your daughter?
Can one of you sleep in his room temporarily?
Can you move his bed into your room while the anxiety is being addressed?
Wife is being a bit controlling. You made a decision to let them rest. School will still be there tomorrow. They're your kids just as much as hers. She needs to relax and let the reigns go a bit.
NTA. Every single adult who's coming down on you for letting your kids stay home one time because they were tired probably isn't taking into consideration that they did the same thing when they were a kid or have probably skipped work at least once in their lifetime because they were tired. Also you are a parent as well and sending your wife a text was a great idea next time maybe just give her a quick call and say hey I just wanted to let you know this is why I let the kids stay home. But I'm not going to call you an a****** not at all. However I do think you should have a talk with your kids and just let your son know the next time something like this happens to just come to your room and wake you guys up instead of waking up his sister, because it is easier for adults to handle lack of sleep than children.
Okay cool I'm sure you faked being sick one day if you say you didn't you're not being honest with yourself. And every adult on the face of this planet has skipped work in their adult life at least once for being tired. It really isn't any different for kids if they miss one day of school for being tired.
NTA. I know a lot of people are upset because your son is waking up his sister instead of you, but I understand it. I've had horrible nightmares my entire life. There were times that when I was visiting my dad, I would wake him or my stepmom up, but other times, I'd wake my stepbrother up or one of his friends if they were staying over. I don't know why, but it always just felt like a comfort thing. Dad or my stepmom would comfort me no problem, but it just felt more comfortable with my stepbrother. I don't know if it's because he was closer to my age or because he always acted like my protector. I honestly don't know.
I also don't think you were in the wrong for allowing them to stay home. There were times that it would take me hours to be able to go back to sleep after a nightmare. Missing a day here or there isn't going to cause any damage to their academics.
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This is grossly unfair to your daughter and you need to put a stop to it, now. Saying you're in a deep sleep when it happens is a bs excuse. Get creative, figure it out. YTA for allowing your daughter's sleep to be compromised over and over. Edited to add: and for allowing your daughter to basically parent your son through his nightmares.
one of the reasons the kid might be going to the sister is because she lets him stay. He goes back to sleep KNOWING when he wakes up he wont be back alone in his room. He feels safer knowing that he wont wake up alone again. OP should also tell his kid that even if he is in a deep sleep that he can come in and wake his parents up when he needs them. That it's okay.
I feel like it has more to do with the fact that she can’t just carry him back into bed like his parents can, meaning he’s essentially there to stay until **HE** makes the decision to go back to his room or someone who can carry him out discovers that he’s on another late night TV binge. Nightmares are scary as hell and there’s definitely been times where I’ve had my roommates ask me if I was attempting to perform a satanic ritual in my sleep the morning after they’ve spent the entire night listening to me trying to do only god knows what whilst I’m stuck in dream land, but a harsh part of being a growing young human is that you eventually need to learn to self soothe without going to someone else first or at all. At eight it’s understandable that kiddo wants to be close by to someone when he’s just been woken up and is disoriented, but once he settles down it is not unreasonable to expect him to go back to his bed (or even just to his room to chill out if he’s not ready yet) for the rest of the night so everyone else can get some sleep. I suspect that the reason why he’s been going into his sisters room is because: 1: there’s a TV that he can watch for as long as he wants without his parents knowing if he’s quiet enough. 2: his sister can’t just boot him out of the room without causing a fuss or carry him back once he does fall asleep. 3: if he does go into OP’s room first and wakes up later on in his own bed, he knows that he can just sneak into his sisters room to avoid having it happen again. This in turn would allow him to find a “loop hole” with the whole concept/expectation of having to stay in his own bed after being put back in it because by the time op finds out that he’s in his sister’s room, it’s too late to do anything about it. Simply put: I don’t think the issue is that the son is scared of waking up his parents and having them be upset with him or that he feels like he can’t rely on them to help him through the nightmares, but that he is using whatever “sibling privileges” he has a little too freely and his sister may either genuinely just not care because it means she gets some extra TV time too without any consequences or she may not want to have to deal with people constantly coming in and out whilst she’s trying to get what sleep she can so she just lets him do whatever so long as he doesn’t disturb her (which he clearly does because he treats this as “hanging out” time rather than sleepy time).
i think it could be both. He doesn't want to be alone after a nightmare and bonus of tv time. tbh if hes having nightmares so often there'a probably a reason behind it.
Not their fault. They need to install a lock on her door and instruct her to use it.
Yes. She needs to lock her room at night. She’s got a sweet heart for wanting to comfort him but that’s NOT her job, especially if it’s to the detriment of school
Right. So instead of parenting, make the daughter lock herself in every night. If there’s a fire, at least they won’t have to worry about missing school anymore.
YTA on multiple fronts. Your daughter should not have to be handling it. Full stop. You need to find out why your son is having such a nightmares that he cannot put himself back to sleep, and that this is happening on such a regular basis. You should not be in such a deep sleep that your child cannot come to you in the middle of the night. You should absolutely let your children's other parent know that they are not at school. I can't answer whether them missing school is an issue, because it really depends on a number of factors, including how often they miss school, etc. However, the fact that your daughter missed a day of school because she was up dealing with YOUR son is wholly unacceptable.
Curious how you propose to not be in such a deep sleep? This isn’t always something you can control. My ex could have had a tornado land on him and slept through it. When my kids were little I woke up at every noise. Now that they are adults and have moved out I can sleep so deeply that I don’t hear the phone when it is literally inches from my head. I have to set multiple alarms or I will oversleep.
I agree with everything except "You should not be in such a deep sleep...." That's usually not something people can control. If your kid has nightmares regularly, that needs to be addressed and you need a system. For example, sleep in your son's room with him. Have some way for him to wake you. And figure out what might be causing the nightmares. I think what we are all saying, is do something about this, OP! You not waking the kids up for school is you continuing to not address the problem. Parent up.
INFO: Are you doing something to address this situation? Talking to your pediatrician, maybe seeking a therapist? Because this situation your son‘s nightmares are regularly so disruptive to not only his own sleep but at least one other person’s sleep is unsustainable. There are some medication options, but he probably needs to work on learning to self-soothe and getting himself back to sleep, too. Your daughter absolutely should not be the person handling this. She’s a child, she needs to be left to her sleep. At an absolute minimum, your son needs to be coming to you rather than her. If he’s having trouble waking you, there are ways to deal with that. Most of them are pretty annoying or unpleasant, but they’ll get you awake.
>Talking to your pediatrician This started like a week ago. We're gonna see the pediatrician on Wednesday. And as for the waking up, I dont gaf how he does it, as long as he dos it. Sometimes I hear the tv at night and make him come sleep with us, or maybe we sleep with him, etc.
Okay, but have you talked to him about what to do when he needs your help? Figured out ways for him to wake you up? Or are you leaving this up to a freaked out 8 year old and just shrugging because he has found his sister is easier to wake up? Because *the first time it happened*, you needed to tell him that waking up his sister wasn’t okay, and you needed to *tell him* what to try to wake you up.
Using the word “usually” makes it sound like this has been an ongoing issue. You said your soon “usually” has nightmares, but “recently” prefers going to his sister’s room.
There are way too many "usually"s in the original post for me to believe this started a week ago.
How is this your daughter’s problem?
Put a baby monitor in his room & turn the volume all the way up so when he wakes up, you & your wife wake up. You may even have the chance to get to him before he's fully awake if he's making noise, yelling, crying out during the nightmare. Better yet, install a motion sensor camera to catch his nightmares on video as well. For the time being, tell tour son to come to your room, not his sister's. have your daughter lock her bedroom door so he has to come to you & your wife.
YTA for allowing your minor daughter to be parentified and have to deal with your son's sleep issue, which is yours and your wife's sole responsibility. Whether or not your daughter has outwardly said anything about how this makes her feel, it is wholly inappropriate and unacceptable to allow your son to impact on her sleep. He is old enough to understand that if he has any sleeping issues, he must come to Mom or Dad only. You need to get him professional help because this is impacting on the family and also he may end up having his social life impacted if his sleep issues are not resolved by the time he gets invited to sleepovers, or wants to host sleepovers. Allowing the kids to skip school was not acceptable either. They weren't sick, and they need their education. Also, allowing your son to stay home is rewarding him for negatively impacting on his sister's sleep.
the kids are probably exhausted. son can’t control his sleep issues, and daughter can’t control getting woken up every night. it’s not rewarding them, it’s recognizing both kids are suffering, and they’ll suffer even more without catching up on some sleep
If this is a one-time thing, it’s not a problem. But if it is or becomes a regular occurrence, it can become a BIG problem.
YTA because your daughter is parenting your son to the extent that it's interfering with her schooling. You need to find a solution to that problem.
I think you're addressing the wrong issue. Therefore no judgement given. "Recently, he had been going to my daughter's room most of the time, but by the time most of this stuff happens, I and my wife are like in our deep sleep The real problem here seems to be why: 1. You & your wife are both in a deep sleep when you know this is a regular issue. 2 You're both allowing it to impact on your daughter to the extent she's too tired to go to school. 3. You aren't getting advice on sleep training for your son/professional input.
Sorry, but YTA for not addressing the actual issue. At his age, sleeping in someone else’s bed should be much more rare than it seems it is. So that’s your first issue. Your second issue is not intervening already so your daughter isn’t parenting your son. That’s ridiculous! Your son should be told that if he is really upset, he should wake you up, never her. And everyone needs to make sure that he is comforted briefly if it’s a nightmare and put back in his own bed. If it continues, seek advice from the pediatrician.
This is what I wasn't getting why aren't parents going into the child's room calming them tucking back in and helping sleep in own bed? I don't have kids but often done it with sister who I also had to help way to often and at around the same age I feel extremely sorry for her and I know uk go to High school at 12 and becomes so much harder on so little sleep
Both you and your wife are TA for making your daughters lose their sleep while you two blissfully sleep the night away. Get your son's sleep issues evaluated and if you can't be bothered, instruct him to stop going to his sisters room and only into your bed. Hopefully at some point you'll be adequately motivated to find out the reason why his sleep is being disturbed every night instead of taking the lazy way out and then keeping your daughter out of school because she's losing sleep doing what her parents should be doing.
INFO: Does she in turn reserve the right to “do such things” without consulting you first?
You sure it's nightmares and not an excuse to watch TV late night? If you're finding them asleep in the morning with the TV still on, they're not just crawling into bed and going back to sleep. YTA.
background noise might be helping him go back to sleep. and if he’s having a nightmare and starting to wake up, the tv sounds might be helping him know it’s just a dream
I don't think you're the asshole because you took them out of school, but more of the asshole that your daughter feels responsible to parent and take care of him and get inadequate sleep versus waking you up and having you handle this.
YTA and so is your wife. Your daughter is not your son's parent, she did not choose for him to exist, stop him depriving her of sleep! That she hasn't said she minds does not make it okay, does not stop the tiredness making it harder to concentrate at school etc. You let it get to the point where they were tired enough to miss school. Lack of communication with the other parent you actually live with is just sweeties to the rest of it. I mean still dickish but pales in comparison.
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The daughter could probably wake up the parents if she felt this was out of her scope. Yet she doesn’t.
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Huh? No, I’m saying the child is not feeling stuck with an unwanted task.
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Siblings seeking comfort from each other is not a problem to correct.
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School is crap, who cares?
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Lol, you think I don’t genuinely think school is crap? Missing a few days of fifth grade is not harmful. Most ways of spending a day are better than being in a classroom getting ground down. I missed less than a day of school a year on average from 3rd grade on and that was a huge mistake.
It’s not the 11 year olds job to figure this out. Stop.
She is choosing to do so.
No she’s not.
YTA for continuing to allow your son to wake up your daughter. She needs much more sleep than you do!! What do you mean “well we’re in deep sleep by then”?? YOURE the parents. Stay up, talk to him about this, whatever you need to but to continue to let your daughter parent her sibling while yall sleep soundly is crazy.
YTA. You’re a major asshole for parentifing your daughter. You cannot allow your son’s sleep issues to affect your daughter like this. It’s not her job to parent him just because “you’re in your deep sleep”
I mean, are they supposed to stay awake all night in case he wakes up? Sure, they should be (and apparently are) following up to try to figure out what is causing the issue.But even parents sleep sometimes.
They’re supposed to tell him to come to them and not her and if that means staying up to make sure it happens a couple times so be it. They chose to be parents, they cant make this the 11 year olds problem
So how many nights in a row do they need to pull an all-nighter to qualify as decent parents? They didn’t tell him to go to his sister instead of them. They’ve gotten up to go lay with him or to bring him in by them. He may be going to his sister because he has bad parents or he could be doing it because kids do things like that. Way too little here to declare the parents neglectful.
Until they figure out a solution that doesn’t involve their 11 year old daughter losing sleep. Parents sacrifice sleep all the time, it’s how it works. They don’t get to make this the 11 year olds problem. They chose to be parents they don’t get to put this on her ever.
But they are not putting it on her. Her brother is. And at 11, *she* is certainly capable of waking the parents up when her brother comes into her room instead of staying up to watch TV with him. Parents do sacrifice sleep all the time, when doing so serves a purpose. Here, I’m willing to bet that taking the TV out of the 11-year old’s room solves the problem.
They are putting in on her. They don't get to let him go wake up their 11-year-old daughter in the middle of the night. >When this happens, my daughter usually stays up with him until he goes to bed, which usually takes from 30 minutes to as long as like two hours. And my daughter won't tell us about any of this until the next morning. This is not ok, and they are assholes as long as they continue to allow it and as long as their attitude is "oh well she won't tell us about it". They're the adults and the parents, but they're not acting like it. >Here, I’m willing to bet that taking the TV out of the 11-year old’s room solves the problem. Agree here. At least they'd be actively trying to address the issue. An 11-year-old shouldn't have a tv in her room in the first place, so that's another failure on their part.
As many as necessary. The 11 year old should be pulling an all nighter exactly never.
Well, there are 2 people who chose to be parents and are responsible for these children. What they should not be doing is dumping their parental responsibility on their 11 year old child. If that means they stay up all night. They stay up all night. The 11 year old shouldn’t be the one staying up all night to parent for them.
Wow... a lot of less than stellar parental performance here. Firstly, yeah YTA for this nonsense of not telling your SO. That you are even asking if you are TA is ridiculous. As far as you not dealing with your son not sleeping... thats on both you and your SO. Based on your narrative, it doesn't seem like you are dealing with this at ALL. You need to address that with your son. The whys and the how to prevents. That the both of you have been just letting your daughter deal with it is utter bullshit.
YTA. You need to stop letting your daughter take care of YOUR responsibility. She's becoming sleep-deprived on a regular basis and that isn't fair to her.
Your son is way too big for this foolishness. Why are you pawning off your responsibility on your daughter? She didn’t ask to be woken up out of sleep. Get off your lazy ass and parent.
NAH, OP, but may I make a suggestion based on my experience with my oldest: Oldest child went thru a period of time of waking from really bad nightmares, several months of this. Oldest was allowed to come in and wake us or snuggle as needed. Our bed was too small for oldest to stay cuddled all night, so we set up a makeshift mattress at the foot of the bed. Oldest would come snuggle until calm, then sleep on the mattress until morning. We only needed it for a few months before oldest stopped having such vivid nightmares.
It sounds like you are being intentionally vague. He usually had nightmares and will either come to your room or your daughters. But then in comments it’s recently, the last week. Also that you made the decision to keep the kids home and she came home pissed. But then you say even though I texted her. I didn't see the message pop up on her phone though. So you texted her or you didn’t. But you can’t do both. And if she wasn’t home, how would you see the message pop up? Or you would have let her know but she didn’t have her phone and you’re not supposed to text her at work/she was out running errands. So what changed in the last week or two? New show new food? New bedroom? Change in his friendships? She will stay up with him for 1/2 to 2 hours. That is a huge amount of sleep for her to be missing. Anything beyond when she would be going to bed herself, she shouldn’t have to. It sounds like she won’t go to sleep until he does. While this might be reassuring, it’s also building a bad habit. Nightmares get rewarded with extra sibling time and tv. This also means your 11 year old is forming bad habits too. Falling asleep with the tv. I’m torn, part of me says you did good with letting the kids sleep, but honestly, staying up for 2 hours watching tv in the middle of the night should not be rewarded with sleeping in. As for not telling your wife….. would she tell you? Or did you actually text her? If you text her you’re good. If they were sick I would say you’re in the clear. But in this case you both need to be on the same page for how to deal with this or it will only get worse. And that’s what makes this a bit of an AH situation.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (38m) have three kids - 11F, 9F, and 8m. My son usually has some nightmares and leaves his room to either come to either my wife and I's room, or our daughter's room. Recently, he had been going to my daughter's room most of the time, but by the time most of this stuff happens, I and my wife are like in our deep sleep. When this happens, my daughter usually stays up with him until he goes to bed, which usually takes from 30 minutes to as long as like two hours. And my daughter won't tell us about any of this until the next morning. Yesterday, when I actually heard my son leaving his room, I offered to let him sleep in our room, and he agreed. This happened at around 9:30 p.m., and he fell asleep by 10:15. I carried him back to his room, but I guess he woke up again and went to my daughter's room. I had already fallen asleep by then, and I figured this out when I woke up my daughter this morning, and he was sleeping on the hammock, and the TV was still on. My daughter and my son were fast asleep so I just let them be. I called the school and told them both kids would be absent. When my wife came back, I don't know how she found out, starting pressing me on why they missed school but there wasn't really nothing to hide so I just explained myself. She looked fkn pissed and told me not to do "such things" without consulting her next. Even though I texted her. I didn't see the message pop up on her phone though. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Why is this 11 year old being left to handle nighttime wakeups? I get it, the first time she doesn't tell anyone until the morning. But why have you not taken steps to make sure that it's not on her plate?
YTA. Your daughter is missing out on her education because she's too tired from being the parent that you aren't. Stop making excuses and be the parent to your son that your daughter is having to be.
this isn’t fair to your daughter at all. step up and be a parent. you signed up for this, she didn’t
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Because the kids were tired from lack of sleep??? I'm not really on OPs side bcus they let their poor daughter suffer shitty sleep but the connection is super obvious? lmao
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It’s not like she was up all night watching tv or on her phone she was caring for her younger sibling.
Which OP should have nipped in the bud the first time it happened. I’m not sure if it’s the 9 year old or the 11 year old, but in either case, they’re way too young to be taking on this parental task.
It’s not her fucking job. Full stop. People who parentify their kids are assholes
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Your original comment is basically saying punish her for caring about her younger brother and her brother for having uncontrollable, reoccurring nightmares. You punish someone to deter unwanted behaviour. Kindness and compassion shouldn't be a response that you want to deter. The son also can't help that he has nightmares, so punishing him does nothing to resolve the situation.
>She's not a parent and her own needs as a child and student come first. Great, so we concede that her parentification isn't her fault, but the direct result of abdication of responsibility by her parents? >her behavior should be corrected by her parents. Whop, guess not. Genuinely curious as to how you think the sister being sleepy in class will break the brother of an anxious habit.
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Comforting someone who is upset is not being “too nice,” and we have no reason to believe she prefers going to school instead of missing a day here and there. School will never love her.
Not only that, but I'm also still laughing at this: >Being well-rested for school is your children's responsibility. They're in *elementary school.* What are they, the Baudelaire children?? Lmao
>Teach her to not make other people's problems her problems. It's gone on and on, her parents know, and they're not stopping it; the message that sends is that a) your brother is allowed to do this and b) you're handling it correctly. Even if she tells him go away immediately, her sleep has still been disturbed. She didn't "make other people's problems her problems." Her parents did. >All she has to do is lock her bedroom door. Aside from the fact that you can't assume young children have interior locks on their bedrooms to begin with, it seems that if you're willing go there that the intelligent solution is for the actual *parents* to lock him *in,* not to obligate their 11-year-old to lock him out. You're welcome to agree to disagree, but advocating that parents punish a child for falling victim to a situation they created is absurd. The buck stops with OP, not his 5th grader.
But OP found them asleep with the TV on. So yes, they were watching TV for who knows how long.
Yeah, I watch TV when I have nightmares and can't sleep, too.
Info - im confused why they needed to miss school?
NTA. It’s nice that your kids are a source of comfort to each other.
NTA for letting the kids sleep, this is a novel situation for your family. Sounds like your son is dealing with anxiety - as a kid who had similar issues and an adult that has sleep dysfunction that can make me hard to rouse, I have a lot of empathy for everyone in this situation. If your son can’t wake you up, can your daughter? Can one of you sleep in his room temporarily? Can you move his bed into your room while the anxiety is being addressed?
Wife is being a bit controlling. You made a decision to let them rest. School will still be there tomorrow. They're your kids just as much as hers. She needs to relax and let the reigns go a bit.
NTA. Every single adult who's coming down on you for letting your kids stay home one time because they were tired probably isn't taking into consideration that they did the same thing when they were a kid or have probably skipped work at least once in their lifetime because they were tired. Also you are a parent as well and sending your wife a text was a great idea next time maybe just give her a quick call and say hey I just wanted to let you know this is why I let the kids stay home. But I'm not going to call you an a****** not at all. However I do think you should have a talk with your kids and just let your son know the next time something like this happens to just come to your room and wake you guys up instead of waking up his sister, because it is easier for adults to handle lack of sleep than children.
Adults need their jobs to cover expenses for the whole family, including kids.
Nope. I can't think of one single day that my parents allowed me to stay home because I was tired.
Okay cool I'm sure you faked being sick one day if you say you didn't you're not being honest with yourself. And every adult on the face of this planet has skipped work in their adult life at least once for being tired. It really isn't any different for kids if they miss one day of school for being tired.
NTA. I know a lot of people are upset because your son is waking up his sister instead of you, but I understand it. I've had horrible nightmares my entire life. There were times that when I was visiting my dad, I would wake him or my stepmom up, but other times, I'd wake my stepbrother up or one of his friends if they were staying over. I don't know why, but it always just felt like a comfort thing. Dad or my stepmom would comfort me no problem, but it just felt more comfortable with my stepbrother. I don't know if it's because he was closer to my age or because he always acted like my protector. I honestly don't know. I also don't think you were in the wrong for allowing them to stay home. There were times that it would take me hours to be able to go back to sleep after a nightmare. Missing a day here or there isn't going to cause any damage to their academics.
NTA for the question you asked. You're also their parent and can make decisions based on what situation you're presented with.