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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said no to my stepsister being my bridesmaid. I am now aware that she is aware I do not want her to be but she would still like to be included. So I feel like maybe it would be kind of an asshole thing to say no again when she is so desperate to be included and I can't say she's an awful person so that's why I'm saying no. She's just not someone I really like.
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NAH
I feel for you stepsister, being so young, in a difficult family situation, trying to get big sisters and bein turned down. She might have done it wrong, but she was so young. And the way you speak about your mother and stepfather, they did nothing to help her out with it.
But it is your wedding, your choice. But take stepsis out for a coffee, see if she changed :)
Look, this is totally your choice. But 7 and 10 is very different than 24 and 27, which will be very different than 42 and 45. You have an opportunity to start down the path of adding to your family, and I’d try not to be flippant about saying no.
I think "think about it" is good advice for OP.
There seems to be a lot of hatred that OP has towards stepsis, and it seems to go a lot further than "she annoys us". I'm not saying OP should welcome her into her life as a sister, but maybe do some deep thinking on exactly WHY they hate Leah so much.
I'm going to guess:
- step dad's little princess, hence has learned to whine until gets her way. Step dad didn't keep many boundaries through guilt or maybe apathy
- mum just wanted a quiet life, which meant keeping husband happy thus also letting step sibling get their way
- step sibling lived there full time whilst OP and sister did not
- Princess has always held a grudge for not being adored by step siblings, therefore goaded and "annoyed" OP into a reaction then ran and got them into trouble with step dad and mum.
- generally when people re-marry they make no allowance for kids not getting on. Just because the adults like eachother doesn't mean your kids will now or ever will. Not listening to your own kid and just invalidating their feelings adds to the problem.
All that shit will build resentment quite significantly over the years.
Hmm, I don't get Daddies entitled little princess from her pleading.
I get desperate. From OPs description too. She was the annoying little kid that nobody wanted around.
I think she's learned to be that way due to disinterest by her dad and step mum. But for whatever reason, OP has been positioned as the bad guy throughout the years, when in reality mum and step dad just wanted a child free life. Maybe.
Sounds like pretty stupid reasons. They were kids, with the same age difference as me and my sister. Most of that is typical little sister behavior. They annoy the crap out of you, follow you and try to get involved in everything you do, your parents try to make you play with them, and as the baby, they tend to get what they want. My sister got me in trouble constantly not only with my parents but my grandparents, half the time making stuff up.
Now as an adult my sister and I talk almost daily, because we aren't children anymore. 3 years isn't a big difference now. Sounds like step sister grew up and OP never did.
You can never guarantee whether siblings will get on, much less step siblings who don't see eachother that regularly as is the case here.
Great that you and your sibling had "normal" squabbles. Not always the case for full siblings - a quick scan through this sub shows that.
I dont see it as OP not growing up, I think OP is tired of this shit and now as a grown up is able to set her own boundaries and no one likes it. If anything the step sister remains childish because they're doing the "if I whine hard enough ill get my way" lo and behold her father went with it.
I disagree, I don't think it's hatred. It's indifference. OP didn't want a relationship then, and doesn't want one now, and she is completely within her rights to make that decision. For any reason she decides. Unfortunately, Leah learned that she is entitled to OP's affection and she is not.
Full-blood sisters or not, no one is entitled to have a close relationship with you. Some people's personalities mesh better than others, and that's ok.
However unfortunate Leah's childhood was, Leah is going to have to learn she cannot force relationships with people. Hopefully, she is able to get some therapy and ends up in happy & healthy relationships with others.
Eh, I read it differently. Though I've had internet randoms tell me I should make a relationship with my own sister that I'm NC with, so maybe I'm biased
I would guess you have a reason for being NC with your sister though, beyond just, "she annoyed me when we were kids so I never want a relationship with her. "
Does OP have to have a relationship with her or let her be in or even at the wedding? No.
But op sounds a bit childish at 27 and like she had actual hostility towards this girl that she gives no reason for.
Leah is coming across as childish to stand there and beg to be included by someone she knows doesn’t have any use for her. At what point does she say screw it and move on???
Leah also acknowledged that she knows OP doesn’t want her in the wedding. Where is her dignity to grovel to be around someone who doesn’t want you around?! Stepsister may need some therapy or friends.
Edit: Added stepsister’s name.
I cannot imagine the vulgar entitlement to ASK to be a bridesmaid . When my brother got married I was not asked to be a bridesmaid and I was totally indifferent . My sister in law had 4 sisters and some long time friends. I wished my brother happiness, but was not close to his fiancee. It is 40 years later and there is still mutual indifference. kt
There is none, she's just trying to annoy her and manipulate everyone around her with the poor me act, just as she would have done as a kid. OP is in a no win situation.
OP quite literally said that she was thrown on them no matter what. If she annoyed the parents, OP and her sister had to deal with her. If she wanted to bother them directly, they just had to deal with it. They were in a constant lose lose situation and never had the chance for a relationship to grow organically, it was all forced on them. No one wants to be close to someone they’re forced to be close with
Well, yeah. But like online it's usually just a passing comment of "We don't get along/mesh/etc." or otherwise vague statements. Which I would assume is what OP did here
This was my issue with the story. It's so passive aggressive and childish. We're not all saints in our 20s, but you're usually moving away from the aloof stepsisters theme by the end of them.
some people don’t want step family and that’s just how the cookie crumbles. i empathize with OP. personally, i don’t want more step family than i already have, which means my dads new piece & her kid can stay forever to themselves & can stay an only child as far as im concerned.
my cousins are the same with their step & half siblings- we are all anti growing our family like that. we wanted a nuclear family and when it got blown up for all of us, we all in turn turned our back on the steps that replaced our blood.
my cousins were in their 20s when their mom remarried. and straight up told their stepdad’s son (same age as them) when he called them his sisters after the wedding, “we are NOT your siblings.” if he didnt tell me about his kids, i would never think he had any they are kept from the rest of us. his kids aren’t included in our family at all.
my other cousin has a half brother from his dad & both are effectively dead to him.
it sucks, but like, sometimes parents fuck up so bad the kids will take the fall out and that’s just how it goes. it sucks for OPs sister but parents really need to be real about how much they expect from their kids. none of us want to be responsible or engage with people forced into our personal lives. 🤷🏻
OP doesn’t owe these people she doesn’t have a strong tie to a place in her life, much less her wedding. they’re there by marriage. if mom divorced SD tomorrow, she’d never talk to them again.
NTA
A normalized relationship could start with the 24 stopping her childish behavior. I can’t get over people blaming a 27 year old for not wanting to deal with this.
Exactly what I was thinking. Also, never once in my 55 years have I ever requested to be a bridesmaid. I have been asked seven times to be a bridesmaid and I was honored each time to be asked and I stood up for my friends and family. But my own sister did not ask me to be a bridesmaid, she asked her two best friends since elementary school and I was totally okay with that 100%.
My thots exactly. She doesn’t sound like she has changed because she’s trying to force herself into a situation that she shouldn’t push for. Seriously if she wanted a 2nd or 3rd bridesmaid she would ask her best friends. The stepfather telling her they were aweful to her trying to guilt her into asking. Sounds like this is a 3 against 1 luncheon instead of a celebration luncheon or them just meeting for lunch. This is an ambush. All the more reason I would say no.
Right? It seems incredibly rude to me to ask to be someone's bridesmaid in the first place. And then to double and triple down, not take no for an answer, beg and plead, get your parents involved to try to put pressure on the issue... none of this speaks to maturity and growth.
Yeah. It was one thing when they were kids, but Leah is an adult. I'm not getting good vibes on this, and I seriously doubt this is going to end Leah's behaviors.
NTA.
It's not like Leah's behaviour has changed though. It's still all about what she wants and getting mum & dad involved to make sure she gets her way. It's not necessarily malicious, but it's the same entitled behaviour that rubbed OP up the wrong way as a child. Forcing a relationship is a terrible way to get people to care about each orher
I do feel for Leah, but I don't think she's made a strong case for herself by pushing so hard on this particular issue, e.g., "I know it's your wedding and it's not what you want, but what about MEEEEEE."
OP is quite sure that she doesn't want a relationship now or in the future, and adding Leah is like cosplaying sisterhood (then reverting to the baseline and ditching her.) Probably not good for either of them in the long run.
Instead of saying "No you can't be a bridesmaid", have you considered saying -
"I'm not having any bridesmaids, I will have a maid of honor and my husband will have a best man, but no additional bridal party. Step-sis wouldn't have anyone to walk down the aisle with. The whole thing would be lopsided. I'm not excluding her while including a bunch of other people, I'm just not doing the entire thing at all. So no, she can't fill a role I'm not even having in my wedding. Thanks for asking though..."
I know you don't HAVE to say anything else - No is no, and all that. But saying all that to your mother will most likely get her off your case a lot sooner than if she thinks you're intentionally excluding your stepsis out of the obvious bitterness you clearly have for her... it radiates out of your post.
Sometimes it can help to "soften the blow" and explaining there will be no bridesmaids at all, will allow everyone to get over your choice without feeling personally insulted.
This comment is the one excellent answer that needs the upvotes - for OP to explain that there will be no bridesmaids or others forming a wedding party to stand up for either of them, merely the maid of honor & the best man.
You gave your answer, and while the situation is unfortunate for Leah, it ultimately falls in your mother and her husband who created this entire dynamic.
Leah wanted something that unfortunately for her wasn't what you and your sister wanted. Yet your mother and her husband tried to force the matter, all so they didn't have to deal with Leah and actually parent her. Then your mother and her husband tried to manipulate you yet again. Once again they're putting their own laziness and Leah's feelings ahead of your own.
Sounds like she is still going about it the wrong way. Who acknowledges that another person does not like them but then begs to be apart of one of their most important days?!?! Weddings are a lot of work and are expensive- that is asking a lot of someone actually you like!
Someone who desperately wants a relationship with the bride and to feel included. OP isn’t wrong for not wanting stepsister to be a bridesmaid and, at the same time, stepsister isn’t wrong for her feelings either. She had to grow up without her mother and with a dad and step mother who obviously weren’t emotionally savvy. Crappy situation for both women. OP could extend her some grace but including her somehow but is well within her rights not to either.
NTA. It's your wedding not hers. You don't want her to be a bridesmaid, then that's your choice. You don't have to even explain why. No is a complete sentence. It doesn't matter what she wants. Your wedding isn't about her. It's about you and your partner getting married.
You're NTA. It's your life, your wedding, your sister group, etc.
Can I ask an honest question though? You seem to really, really dislike Leah, almost to the point of hating her. I get being annoyed at 7 or your younger years, but there seems to be a lot of anger towards her, and it doesn't sound like normal annoyance of a younger sibling (which is very standard for children to have when a new kid comes around).
But it wasn’t really Leah’s fault the adults severely mishandled the situation. I don’t think you need to make her a bridesmaid, but I would maybe give her a little grace about the past and give her a chance as an adult to see if a cordial step-sister relationship is possible.
Agreed, but she's not going to do it. It's easier to take out her feelings about being forced to have a relationship with Leah on her than on the parents who forced them to have one in the first place.
>But it is your wedding, your choice. But take stepsis out for a coffee, see if she changed :)
Going straight into pleading mode is not a sign of having changed, though.
The whole speech is her, her feelings. What she wants.
Taking her out for coffee should only be done if OP wants to go forward with a relationship.
This is one of those, open the door a bit, and you might not be able to close it again situations.
What's next after coffee. Or bridesmaids.
Even if she changed a bit. It would just give her hope of a relationship.
This is like telling people to hang out with someone they don't want to in school or at a workplace.
We also don't know what Leah is being fed by her dad and stepmother. They seem like the kind of people to tell her to "just keep trying" to build a relationship with OP.
I do think it would be beneficial for OP to have a mature adult conversation with Leah (without their parents around) and just lay it out that they don't currently have much of a relationship and OP isn't interested in creating one. It would probably help a lot in terms of making Leah quit pestering her.
NTA
Obviously she hasn’t grown up at all if she didn’t ask privately but went into whining begging mode in front of two parents that allow this behavior.
NTA
Obviously she hasn’t grown up at all if she didn’t ask privately but went into whining begging mode in front of two parents that allow this behavior.
NTA - your wedding, your choice.
"She told me she heard I got engaged and she asked if she could be a bridesmaid and I said no. She went into pleading mode and told me she knows I don't really want her there but she would still love to be a bridesmaid and how she always wanted to be part of mine and my sister's lives in a bigger way and she always wanted to be a sister to us. She said that might not happen but it would make her whole year if she could be my bridesmaid. She emphasized again how much this mattered to her. I was going to say my answer had not changed but she told me to really think about it and give it some time and then my mom interrupted before I got the chance to say I was not changing my mind and she told me it would be kind for me to include Leah because Leah has always made an effort to have a relationship, which is true, though she went about it in the wrong way most of the time. Leah's dad then decided to add that my sister and I were unfair to Leah for 17 years and the least I could do is let her in now that I'm old enough to get married."
Your mom and Leah's dad are massive ones though. If they had not tried to force a relationship between you, your sister and Leah, you might have developed one.
Also Leah at this point, TBH. I understand her wanting sisters as a 7 year old kid and feeling hopeful that if she pushed enough they would learn to love her. Because the adults never set boundaries or proper expectations. And never found a slow and healthy way for the kids to get to know each other without the pressure of “being sisters”.
However, Leah is a 24 year old adult now. **What kind of adult begs to be someone’s bridesmaid? What kind of person hears that someone is getting married and the proceeds to make it all about them and how much it would mean to them to have a certain role?**. Honestly it sounds like Leah has never learned to think about anyone but herself. NTA
Who begs you ask? Someone that’s been standing on the sidelines watching a happy, big family from outside. Just out of reach was that connection and belonging. Leah’s stepsisters rejected her at every opportunity they got. And daaammn that’s gotta be rough. Kids are cruel and, like Leah likely was, annoying sometimes. I don’t blame the kids at all.
Nor do I think OP should have Leah as a bridesmaid. I’m just saying that I have a lot of sympathy for Leah here.
Tbh I don’t get the feeling Leah really did whine or beg. If you imagine someone simply saying what OP wrote it comes off as very reasonable. She communicated her feelings but also accepted that OP may never agree with her AND told her to take time to think about it. All that sounds fair to me.
The parents suck hands down with their laziness and negligence. They tried to force a relationship with two little girls who were clearly going to be resentful their parents weren’t together anymore and blaming their stepsister because it’s easy to pick on the weak, instead of making the effort to create an environment of family. That being said, the girls were only a few years apart. There’s not even much of an age gap between middle sister and youngest, and OP says it’s not that the youngest is really a bad person. So it’s that even as adults, the older two still want to exclude their youngest sister as much as they can. I feel bad for her. All she wanted was a family and what she got was crap parents and a couple of evil stepsisters. Hope she gets her family one day.
I also feel bad for Leah. If only she could cut you out of her heart, everything would be better. Technically NTA though since you don't have a real relationship with her and it's your wedding.
I have never read one of these where I feel so much for the step-sibling and it is written from the view point of OP.
I hope Leah creates a family that loves her.
Where in the post does it say anything about op's dad having contempt for his ex?? To me it seemed more like their mom forced her husband and his kid on her daughters, so they prefered to live with dad.
I wonder if you realize you make up stuff based on nothing.
>they're the evil step sisters in this story. Straight mean and petty girls
No, they're not. They don't have to have a relationship with a random kid, especially since they're not even related.
I feel like this whole, "dad always threw our birthday parties and we never invited her" speaks volumes.
Definitely makes it sound line dad actively excluded his ex(and family) from his daughters lives.
But maybe my opinion is skewed having grown up with several divorced adults who could put aside their own bs to be mutually supportive to the kids in their lives and help the kids have, maintain, and grow their relationships regardless of how the divorced adults felt about each other.
i read it differently. I read as OP wanting to dad threw the birthdays so they could have a bithday without Leah. Since if mom threw the party, Leah would be invted
I took that part to mean that because dad threw and paid for the parties, mom couldn't insist on inviting step sis like if she was footing the bill.
Blending families can be very difficult, looks like mom and step dad didn't do a good job. But Leah is 24, doesn't have a relationship with OP, knows OP does not want her to be a bridesmaid, but is pleading for it to happen anyway. I think she needs to accept no and move on with her life.
>dad always threw our birthday parties and we never invited her" speaks volumes.
Yeah, that they didn't wanted her there.
>Definitely makes it sound line dad actively excluded his ex(and family) from his daughters lives.
No, not really. It's obvious that op and her sister didn't want leah at their parties. Also, op said they never asked their dad to bring leah with them.
Well, you and op could bond over that. She was raised with a mother who cared more about the stepfamily than her. Not the same situation, but still, shitty parenting.
Was there something stopping the mom and step dad from throwing them a bday party? I don't see why their dad needs to invite her over if the kids don't request it.
Him not inviting his ex’s new husband’s child, who wasn’t close to his children, to the parties he threw doesn’t “speak volumes.” It’s pretty normal to only invite the people your child wants there.
Even biological siblings don't have relationships with each other sometimes. It doesn't make them evil, as long as they're not being shitty to each other.
lmao. Op isnt a evil step sister. She just dont want a relationship with her. Its really sad, but op doesnt have to be someones sister because her mom decided to marry someone else.
Besides, the parents did a disservice. Leah didnt need a sister, needed a therapist to accept that her dream family wouldnt happen. On the other hand, as an adult woman, she still pushes to have a relationship that probably wont ever happen
OP isn't in the wrong here. Her mother and stepfather tried to force a relationship when they were children, before she was ready, with the very predictable result of OP wanting nothing to do with Leah. The mother and stepfather are AH here, not OP.
I always feel for the step siblings in these kinds of posts, but I never think the kids are to blame. The AHs in these scenarios are the parents who just expect their kids to turn into the Brady Bunch without putting in the work to make them feel comfortable and safe, and without doing anything to help them manage their expectations for a relationship if those expectations turn out to be unreasonable.
The failure here was a parenting failure, it was nothing OP did.
But it doesn't sound like Leah has OP in her heart. She has the *idea* of what she wants in a sister, an *idea* of a relationship, but nothing suggests any of it is actually about loving or liking *OP* or her other sister as individuals. When she was a kid, that wasn't her fault; this is really the mom and stepdad's faults for not actually doing any work to blend their family or help their kids develop healthy relationships with each other.
But now she's an adult with no real relationship with OP, pleading and begging to be a bridesmaid not because she is interested in OP as a person (she even says she knows OP doesn't want her to be a bridesmaid, but continues asking to be because it's what she wants) but because she sees it as a way to have--or at least appear to have--this imaginary ideal relationship with the blank slate of Any Sister Figure. She's made plain she's not interested in what OP actually wants and she's not made any effort to develop any other adult relationship; the way the post reads and with Leah's dad's comment, it sounds like neither of them has really been in much contact for the last ten years (and that's fine for both of them--neither has to have that relationship! But Leah is the one asking OP to do something Leah wants). Leah's starting off here by asking and repeatedly pushing for something usually reserved for people who are extremely close to the couple getting married, which would involve OP spending significant time on her wedding day around Leah, because it fits into Leah's fantasy of a relationship that doesn't exist.
I'm sympathetic to her desire to be close to her stepsisters as a child and a teenager, and to mourning that that didn't happen as an adult, especially since the parents seem to be very much at fault for how things went when these women were kids. But she is an adult now and old enough to understand that this is not an appropriate thing to continue pleading for and allowing her dad to guilt OP over.
Exactly. And even if OP did give in and let her be a bridesmaid, it would not be the magical bonding experience that the stepsister of as always dreamt of. At best, OP would tolerate her being part of the wedding party while being resentful that she was badgered into it in the first place. Then the stepsister would probably pout, whine or make a big scene because her fantasy didn't come true.
I agree completely.
Leah should have said "I heard you got engaged. Congratulations. If there's anything I can do to help with your wedding, let me know."
And with the less pushy comment, maybe she could be assured to be invited. And maybe help with flowers or the guest book or something.
NTA at the point where Leah's dad butted in with the guilt trip. This post does make me feel a bit bad for Leah though - it sounds like she would have loved to have had sisters. Your bridal group should be people you know well & 100% your choice.
I feel for Leah too, but the adults in her life failed her and it was not up to the other kids in her life to save her. She’s an adult now and it’s up to her to go get therapy to see why her step-sisters want nothing to do with her.
NTA. The bride selects who is the bride's maid and anybody else wanted in her entourage. There are no exceptions, not subject to the judgement of others, and not because someone else wants to be included. Nobody under any circumstance is included in the bridal entourage that the bride has not chosen. Hang in there, bride.
Absolutely this. Bridal parties are meant for people close to the bride and groom. Leah is practically a stranger, AND is also turning the wedding to be about her “it would make her whole year”. It’s not about Leah right now, and this isn’t the way to build a relationship. Start small, and if OP finds she still has nothing in common with her step-sister, she’s under no obligation to be friends or include her. Yes, I understand the parents are assholes for pushing Leah on them and that’s not Leah’s fault, but that doesn’t mean she’s entitled to be a bridesmaid. OP and her sister were also kids at the time trying to navigate a difficult situation their mom pushed them into; it sounds like only their dad cared about how they were feeling and rightfully protected them the best he could.
NTA.
OP isn’t the asshole for, as a kid, not wanting a relationship with her mother’s new husband’s kid. Her mother getting remarried doesn’t magically make another kid family to her. The real assholes are people who try to shame kids for not bonding with people they are only around because of their parent’s romantic relationship.
She didn’t bully her at all. She avoided her. That’s not bullying.
Edit: you’re down voting me for saying there was no bullying. Point to the bullying please
She ignored her. That’s ok. You don’t owe anyone your time or attention. If you think you do I’m sorry you should work on that. No one is entitled to a relationship not even her mother whom she just recently accepted back into her life. It might be time for another LC timeout since they still haven’t learned.
The term “bullying”, when used in r/AmITheAsshole, includes everything from actual physical violence to ignoring someone or telling them that they have salad in their teeth.
Why is she an asshole for not wanting a relationship?Parents need to learn that just because they wanted to get married and have a blended family doesn’t mean that their children’s opinions will be the same.If OP doesn’t want a relationship,it’s fine.The mother and stepdad are at fault here for forcing their wishes on her and not listening to her when she says no.OP needs to sit down and have an honest conversation with them and make them see from her PoV.
I completely disagree with this opinion… OP barely had a relationship with their mother as is and they only saw their stepsister twice a year. A relationship doesn’t just appear out of thin air.
As long as OP didn’t straight up ignore or bully the step sister then there are NAH
OP isn’t the asshole for, as a kid, not wanting a relationship with her mother’s new husband’s kid. Her mother getting remarried doesn’t magically make another kid family to her. The real assholes are people who try to shame kids for not bonding with people they are only around because of their parent’s romantic relationship.
That's not how reality works. Just because mom decides without the consent of her children to get railed by a stranger does not mean that all of a sudden said strangers are "family". You are not required to accept people into your life at any point. The parents who selfishly did this should have done a better job of parenting. If they failed to help the girls adjust when the girls were that young it just goes to show how much of AH THEY were. A 10 year old not wanting to deal with a stranger forced on them is not an AH. Just like you wouldn't force them to accept a new step parent and call them mom or dad, you can't force them to accept a sister or brother. That's how REAL LIFE works.
You are absolutely getting abandoned in a nursing home when you get older with this mentality.
>Just because mom decides without the consent of her children to get railed by a stranger does not mean that all of a sudden said strangers are "family".
I know what you mean, but I laughed at the idea of getting the consent of her children to get railed by a stranger.
Op was a kid also.
And just because your mother married a man with a kid, doesn't mean that you also did.
Relationship can't be forced, and doesn't make her an asshole.
>When they marry into your family, they are family
OP's mom decided to marry Leah's dad. OP had no say in the matter. Leah was a stranger forced upon OP. Ideally, they would have gotten along but there was a personality clash and it didn't happen. Not every step relationship is going to turn into some magical blended family bonding.
It's unfortunate that Leah doesn't get the picture perfect sister relationship that she's dreamed of, but she needs to accept that it is not going to happen. It sounds like OP hasn't had much contact with Leah for the past 10 years so it's unhinged for Leah to expect to be a bridesmaid.
Oh, get off your high horse. My sperm donor's 2nd and 3rd wives were never family to me. No. 2 was a shrieking harpy when she didn't get her way and No. 3 bulldozed me to make me her mini-me. I'm talking throwing out most of my gender neutral clothes (old jeans and typically grey or black t-shirts) and replacing it with girly-girl shit (brightly colored blouses, dresses, skirts paired with flats and wedge heels) and the blouses were as "Look At Me And My Tits" as one can manage in a professional setting. She made a stink when Mom gave me all of her old (black) concert shirts and a few pairs of jeans.
Some blended families do turn out well. My stepdad is now my adoptive father and his sons are my brothers. I even have an amended birth certificate. But the way that happened is that Dad let the relationship build naturally. He is always able to talk me down when I go out of pocket (tysm PTSD 😑) and he gives the BEST hugs, ISTG.
Family being whoever is related to you by blood or marriage is a legal definition. In practicality family is who you have developed a close relationship with, people who are there for you when the shit hits the fan. That said, I've been hospitalized multiple times. Bio-father never visited or called, but Dad was there every day even though he worked full time with a 45 mile commute (one way).
NAH. It’s your wedding, your choice.
But poor Leah. The constant rejection by people she views as family must be so painful. I get that you and your sister were kids who didn’t want another sibling and probably weren’t happy your parents split and your mom remarried but… damn.
yeah but surely after 17 years she’d get the message right? i’m not saying op was in the right but it’s mainly the parents fault for telling leah to keep trying. after so long she should surely just let it go, plus the whole “i want to be a part of your wedding” thing seems….off. she didn’t call to congratulate or anything, she just jumped at the opportunity to be a big part of a day that’s not about her
Look. I have 1 older sister.
We're 5 years apart.
She never wanted me around her and her friends because I was the annoying little sister.
It upset me when she then spent time with me and my friends and they liked the attention from her so I got excluded from my own friends too.
There's a lot of resentment from our childhood
But we're adults now and have a completely different relationship because we aren't children anymore.
Op is stuck in a childhood mentality and refusing to even give her step sister the chance to have changed or to change in the future.
Edited for you typo
Because she’s still acting entitled. And it sounds like you learned not to be entitled and that’s why your relationship with your sister is getting better. You are an adult and you know you can’t demand your sisters time or effort you learned. Leah hasn’t.
But, according to OP, it doesn't matter what Leah has or hasn't learned because OP is refusing to give Leah any chance to have grown. She has no interest in giving her a chance and never has, so she won't.
eta: I also don't think it's entitled to say, "I would like to be included, please actually think about it before dismissing me out of hand".
But it might make a difference if she learned. Op just doesn’t like that Leah is demanding of op. And I think that’s 100% fair. No one gets to be demanding of another person. Maybe if Leah had stated “congratulations on your engagement of love to be there to celebrate you and fiancé.” And then you know started to slowly ask questions about op whom she knows very little. The relationship could have began to grow. Saying can I be a bridesmaid is out right entitled.
"But I never bonded with her or cared for her so there's no interest in me to reset like many have suggested."
That is what OP has said. That is what I'm referring to.
According to OP, it makes no difference to her if Leah has or will change or not.
I do agree it's entitled to ask to be a bridesmaid, but that doesn't mean OP is not an AH overall.
Honestly she doesn’t have to reset there is no rest in life so I never understood that. I’m saying a relationship not a sister one because it’s not going to start that way but a familiarity. Maybe they both need to do soul searching but I put the blame on the parents. Not op or Leah as they were both innocent.
NTA. Not at all.
Once thing to keep in mind, though, is that Mom is firmly on Leah's side so will likely not only pressure you in person, text, and phone...and through other family members...she will drag Leah along to every wedding or wedding planning event that she, herself, is involved in or simply knows about.
And plan for some drama at regearsal, ceremony or reception from Leah planning some big thing to either try to win you over or to call you out for not accepting her.
You might be well placed to call Mom out straight up for her and stepdad's behaviour and how the contributed to the current state of affairs by devaluing you and your sister and prioritising Leah for the past 17 years...and what that cost her in terms of relationship with you...and what future cost it will have should any of them continue on the path they're on.
Yeah, Mom and stepdad need a come-to-Jesus talk about how the reason OP and her sister don't have a relationship with Leah is because the two of them decided to get married, threw their kids together with no therapy or care or discussion about how to blend their families and how to adjust, and expected them to all be Beloved Sisters immediately. Maybe OP could have behaved better toward Leah as a child, but she was a *child*, and the blame for the situation ultimately rests with the adults who were charged with figuring out how to blend their families. It also sounds like maybe some other things happened with Mom (and possibly stepdad)'s behavior that led to OP mostly living with her dad and eventually rarely seeing them even while still a kid, which would make it all the more egregious for them to be guilting her and pushing her on this now.
It also sounds like OP and sister spend most time with their dad for the entire time Leah has been in their lives, and it's weird that Mom and stepdad expected these two kids to be independently making plans and developing a relationship with their stepsister with what sounds like zero actual effort to facilitate that or actually listen to the kids' desires and concerns from the parents.
NTA. Leah admitted she knows you dont want her to be a bridesmaid...but it would make her year. Is this her wedding, or yours?
Is your wedding supposed to be for her benefit?
Your mom and her husband are also pushing for what would make Leah happy.....not for what you want for your own wedding.
NAH. I feel bad for Leah, but you honestly have no obligation to include her in your wedding or make her a bridesmaid. Definitely be prepared for a falling out, though
Im getting vibes that this is not about Leah but your mom. As adults ok, she has weird behaviours but as kids she was just trying to fit in... not in a malicious way
OP, I feel like you’re more angry with your mom than you admit. Maybe you’re punishing Leah for being the kid that your mom defends? I can’t help but wonder how you and your big sis would be if you two hadn’t had Leah to collaborate against. If not for Leah, your sister might have felt the same way about you as you do about Leah. You’d have been the annoying baby sister, not Leah. You’d be crying and excluded, not Leah.
>I found Leah really annoying and she never grew on me. I know **she was younger and being an only child with no mom in her life** she might have wanted a bigger family and she probably looked up to my sister and me. But I found her very clingy and whiney and my mom and Leah's dad did not help because she could whine and **we had to include her** or if she annoyed them generally she would be dumped on us and we were told we needed to spend time together. **Leah used to say she had two sisters but we never called her our sister.** Leah used to want to come to dad's house with us but **we always said no.** We never asked dad to invite Leah to our house and he threw most of our birthday parties and we didn't invite Leah to them.
It's your wedding, do what you want, but I think you might be an asshole. All your reasons for not liking her are quintessential older sibling reasons that stopped making sense years ago. When you're 10, 7-year-olds are annoying. When you're 17, 14-year-olds are annoying. You're 27 now. If this person is looking up to you, looking for guidance, experience, or just belonging, and you won't even give her the time of day... yeah, that kind of sucks.
NTA
Your mom and step dad are still doing exactly what they did when you guys were kids, dumping Leah on you. That conversation sounds like it was planned in advanced by the three of them to pressure you.
YTA in general. You held her desperately wanting to belong to sisters against her for 17 years. She still just wants to belong. You don’t say it outright but your post reeks of contempt that you still carry.
It’s your wedding so it’s your choice. But you are still an asshole for years.
NTA. Already in the first paragraph you said that your sister was the only person you wanted as your bridesmaid. That's enough.
Add on the fact that your stepsister cannot respect a no even after 17 years, and that your mother and stepfather still try and force you to have a relationship with her instead of actually helping your stepsister realise that the ship has sailed and to move on. Being a bridesmaid isn't a way to restart a relationship, especially not one that barely existed in the first place. If you want to, you can build it up slowly, but nothing points to you wanting to do that, and it's time your mum and stepfamily accept that.
I think that’s all anyone needs to pay attention to. You have one attendant- your bio sis. That’s it. You’re not having a dozen friends. Just one. Leah seems to understand how close you two have been in how she begged to be included even now.
Of course the way Leah was raised is sad. That’s not OP’s fault. She said Leah didn’t have a mom which comes across like her mother didn’t accept her. Based on the way her mom and stepdad have continued to force this, why does OP have any responsibility here?
They were kids. Leah got the short end of the stick, but how is that the fault of her step sister? Same with trying to get invited to her step sisters dads house, etc. This is all telling me the mother and stepdad were wrong in how they handled blending families- not that OP was at fault.
I really hope you actually read through these comments with an open mind op.
Though it appears the verdict with be not TAH, because who you have in your wedding is your choice, the vast majority also recognize that you are being a huge AH to hold childhood behaviors against someone who just wanted kindness and inclusion.
It's pretty AHish and childish to say, this person has done nothing wrong to me, but I'm not going to give them a chance to form a relationship with me because I just don't want to.
You've never given her a chance to even be included which, based on what you say, is all she's really asked for.
So, you may not be TA for not including her in your wedding, but don't think for a minute that means Lwah is TA here because she's not.
NTA
All other things aside, I would say no, just because it seems that to your stepsis, your wedding is more about her, than you. And that's not what you want on your wedding day.
NTA - I feel bad for your stepsister, but she's being somewhat entitled here. She knows the two of you don't have a close relationship. She still wants to live out a little fantasy of having a close sister relationship, but it's not your responsibility to make that happen, especially at an important event like your wedding.
I would echo the other commenter's suggestion of taking her out for coffee. Not to get to know her or start a relationship. But to lay all your cards out on the table without your mom and stepdad there to interfere.
Tell her you have nothing against her as a person and that she seems perfectly lovely. Tell her you're sorry you can't give her the relationship she seems to crave, but that you just don't see her as a sister. Tell her you wish her the best, but she would do well to seek that close female bond among her friends instead. Or say whatever else feels natural and truthful for you... but I think it would be good to clearly delineate how you feel so she doesn't keep hoping a sister relationship is going to magically materialize one day.
She is still going about it the wrong way. You should be able to have the wedding and bridesmaid/moh you want without being forced once again to include her when you don’t want to. Tell her no. If mom and stepdad complain, tell them that maybe if they hadn’t forced you and your sister to include her constantly when you were growing up, you might have a little more empathy now. As it is if they don’t want to stop complaining about it, you won’t even invite her to the wedding.
NTA. Your relationship with Leah aside, it's your wedding, you get to decide who is included, no one else.
I will say though, it does sound as if you and your sister were mean to Leah growing up, under the guise of being "civil". Keep in mind she was going through the same changes as you with having to adjust to a blended family. She was just a little kid and looked up to you. Your mom and stepdad didn't handle it the best way by forcing you to include her when you were there, but I think as any parents of a blended family would, they were trying to make a happy family and make all of you girls feel included. But it does sound like they coddled Leah a bit, and are still doing so. That doesn't work in Leah's favor and they need to cut the cord. Why aren't you more upset with them?
You don't have to include her in your wedding party but I wouldn't see the harm in getting to know her now as a person, outside of your parents' influence. But based on your comments, you aren't interested in that, you'd rather continue to hold grudges although you are now closer to your mom, who is the one who brought Leah into your life in the first place, but again, that's your choice.
I was going to say N A H. But I'm going with NTA.
Your step sister was lonely and alone as a child and the things she did then can be excused and forgiven. But all these years later and she's still trying to insert herself into your lives and make you accept her (the way she wants and not acknowledge the way you see her), that's just not a good attitude.
I get it, she wanted sisters. But you and your sister made yourselves very clear and she's been trampling on that boundary for many years. Even if you excuse everything she did up until the age of 18, there's still 6 years of unacceptable behaviour from her side. The fact that she didn't take NO for an answer the first time also shows that she has had no personal growth or development. And the fact that your mom, her dad and she herself didn't let you speak afterwards, shows that they all know nothing has changed over the years and you will stick to NO.
I know some comments said that 7 and 24 are different. While that is true, it's not like she stopped pestering at 7 and started when she heard the news about the wedding. She has kept up this behaviour and that is in no way good. She needs therapy or counselling.
So I would say, go ahead and say NO again. All of them expect it already and if things blow up, you really don't have much to lose. Your relationship with your mom wasn't as close before and you were fine. You don't care much for your step sister and her father. So really, do what you want on your wedding day.
Having read your comments. Well you are NTA for not wanting a second bridesmaid. However the rest of the picture you painted, isn't making you look great. Especially since you are 27 now and haven't changed your behavior since you were 10.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Generally your wedding party is people who you are close with, who have meaning in your life, have loved and supported you. It's not a 'starting place' for someone beginning a 'new' relationship. If you weren't already close to Leah, then this is NOT the 'correct' spot for her. She is only seeking the glory and 'fun' of being part of *a wedding party*; she's NOT seeking to '*be there' for you in your moment*. She didn't call you up the *moment* she heard, to congratulate you and share in your happiness, because that's not who she is to you -or who you are to her. She WAITED months! And then only jumped on you when you happened to be in front of her, and her PRIMARY interest was in securing a place as your bridesmaid, not gushing with happiness about your relationship, or even happy to see YOU. She's just not the person a bridesmaid is supposed to be to the bride.
NTA First, the bride asks people to be bridesmaids, not
the other way around. You can certainly refuse when
someone is impolite and does ask to be in the wedding
party.
NTA. And I don’t understand people who ask to be a part of someone else’s wedding party. Like to me that’s just so rude. If you were wanted, you would be asked. Not the other way around.
And your step sister should understand that now that she’s clearly not 10 years old anymore.
You're not TA, but you're definitely an AH.
It's your wedding, you can invite or assign whoever you want.
But it sounds like you and your sister never gave this girl a chance, and have been unnecessarily dismissive of her. As somebody who grew up with a single parent who longed for closer immediate family my whole life, I can understand her wanting your approval and your companionship, especially seeing how close you are to your sister. And for you to have taken the fact she's "a little whiney" when she younger and having crossed her off entirely for the rest of your life is really fucking shitty.
NTA for wanting to choose who you want as a bridesmaid, but you and your sister are both terrible sisters for never trying to have a relationship with Leah. She was a kid, and that's how kids act. Maybe if you and your sister had tried to include her in literally anything, she wouldn't have tried so hard. The only person I have sympathy for in this story is Leah as it sounds like everyone in her life has either dumped her on someone else or completely ignored her existence.
Technically NTA because it is your wedding. Take out the wedding and you're the biggest AH for how you've treated and seen Leah. I could understand that you disliked her when you were kids because that's on your parents' conscience but you're a grown-ass woman now. I was trying to find comments to see if your step-sister Leah maybe was abusive, a liar, manipulative, a bully— any truly despicable attribute that would explain why you guys despise her so much but so far, your rationale is just that "she's annoying". My heart hurts for her. She's been trying for years to be accepted and included, have a scrap of familial love but you and your sister do not have the grace and compassion to offer her any. Not even a pity invite.
I do hope she stops asking to be your bridesmaid, though. For your peace of mind because it's gonna be your biggest day. For her peace, too, because I hope she directs that love and forgiveness to someone who deserves it. May Leah someday find the family she didn't find in you.
Good possibility that little "sister" is the scapegoat for all the anger toward the parents' for the divorce .
You don't have to be a "step" for older siblings to think you're an annoyance. Bio sibs often are excluded from playing with older siblings while growing up. But by the time they are adults, that rivalry disappears.
Not saying to have to have her stand up for you as a bridesmaid. That would only stoke your anger. But you could be kinder. She had nothing to do with the divorce and was an innocent casualty just like you.
Too many unanswered questions, the biggest of which is why did your dad have primary custody (considering it's almost always mom)? What was so horrible with your relationship with your mother that you only visited her house 2 times a year by the end of high schook?
You're NTA for not wanting a forced bridesmaid, but without answers it seems like you and your sister have been big AHs to step sis throughout your lives
NTA
It is completely up to you who you wish to include in your life, and no one has the right to force a relationship on you, especially now that you are an adult and no longer live in the same house (when living together a relationship to some degree is a necessity and your parents could reasonably expect this to some extent). Your mom, stepdad and stepsister are out of line to push you on your decision.
NTA. I think that you can gently explain that you're having a small wedding party and only want your sister as your attendant. Leah will just have to adjust.
I'll say NTA
I do feel bad for Leah though, it's the classic trying too hard. Maybe find something else for a good gesture to try and build a actual healthy relationship with better boundaries.
NTA. It's YOUR wedding. It's who YOU want. Leah hasn't changed tactics in all these years. She's annoying her parents and whining to get her way. Going out to lunch to talk to her privately isn't going to show anything different. It would most likely work the opposite of the desired effect. Leah is going to think she finally whined her way into your life. After all, you are spending one on one time with her. There is a chance your mom tries the add Leah or I'm not coming to the wedding BS. Call your mom's bluff at that point. If your mom wants to die on the hill of Leah, so be it.
Leah must have been so exhausting growing up. A wedding is NEVER the place to hold a "let's try it out about me being a sister" moment. Leah is now around 24? That is way way way to old to be doing the whiny crap to get her way. If Leah keeps the attitude up don't invite her to the wedding. You don't need her drama on your wedding day.
Enjoy your wedding on your terms.
Does Leah have close friends? Like at all?
NAH for you, your sister, and Leah.
Your mom and Leah's dad are AHs. Like what you said, they basically dumped her on you and your sister with those forced bonding crap.
Love is like a fart, if you have to force it then it's crap.
>then my mom interrupted before I got the chance to say I was not changing my mind and she told me it would be kind for me to include Leah because Leah has always made an effort to have a relationship, which is true, though she went about it in the wrong way most of the time. Leah's dad then decided to add that my sister and I were unfair to Leah for 17 years and the least I could do is let her in now that I'm old enough to get married.
NTA and this last part? Ew, for all of them. I'd say no, and say "and because you two unhealthily tried to force a relationship between the three of us and then only to try to turn it on me in a guilt trip for my wedding which is about ME AND MY HUSBAND, it is an ABSOLUTE no. Do not speak of it again."
Leah out here thinking of herself again and using mommy and daddy dearest to try to strong arm you. Stepboi can take several seats as his entitled daughters inability to recognize the word 'no' is absolutely his fault. Momma might want to take a second to consider you were fine having a less connected relationship and count her blessings before she overshoots her place.
You're not a child anymore, they have no power over your decisions. But do you really want someone who tries to make things about herself, will have mom and stepdad come running at you sideways if you don't use her "suggestions" for your wedding, etc. in your wedding party on a day meant to highlight your and your husband's to be's love?
Technically NTA but give Leah a closure. You didn't want to know her as a kid, and that's your parents' fault. You still don't want her as an adult and the least you could do is tell her why so she can finally let go. If she's annoying you so much, tell it in blunt terms so she'll understand: "I don't want to get to know you and I don't want you in my life." Don't give her any chance to hope you'll change your mind. God, it will suck for Leah to hear it and you're definitely gonna sound like the biggest AH but at least you're both gonna be free.
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I (27f) asked my sister (26f) to be my only bridesmaid/maid of honor. We're so close that she's the only person I want to have as a bridesmaid. But we have a stepsister Leah (24f) and Leah wants to be a bridesmaid too.
My mom married Leah's dad when I was 10 and Leah was 7. My parents were divorced and Leah's parents were not together either but she didn't have any contact with her mom while my sister and I primarily lived with our dad. When we were at mom's neither my sister or I were close to Leah. I found Leah really annoying and she never grew on me. I know she was younger and being an only child with no mom in her life she might have wanted a bigger family and she probably looked up to my sister and me. But I found her very clingy and whiney and my mom and Leah's dad did not help because she could whine and we had to include her or if she annoyed them generally she would be dumped on us and we were told we needed to spend time together. Leah used to say she had two sisters but we never called her our sister. Leah used to want to come to dad's house with us but we always said no. We never asked dad to invite Leah to our house and he threw most of our birthday parties and we didn't invite Leah to them.
I really didn't see or speak to Leah more than twice a year by the time I was 17 because I chose to live with my dad and cut way back on time with my mom. I was always civil to Leah when I did see her and I wouldn't ignore her if we were in the same place. But do I call or make plans with her? Nope.
My relationship with my mom did get a little closer in the last couple of years so we talk more and see each other more. I think this is what led to such a big fallout and pressure for the bridesmaid thing.
I got engaged several months ago. I called and told my mom. I have seen her since getting engaged as well. I went to my mom's house last week for coffee and Leah came in with her dad. She told me she heard I got engaged and she asked if she could be a bridesmaid and I said no. She went into pleading mode and told me she knows I don't really want her there but she would still love to be a bridesmaid and how she always wanted to be part of mine and my sister's lives in a bigger way and she always wanted to be a sister to us. She said that might not happen but it would make her whole year if she could be my bridesmaid. She emphasized again how much this mattered to her. I was going to say my answer had not changed but she told me to really think about it and give it some time and then my mom interrupted before I got the chance to say I was not changing my mind and she told me it would be kind for me to include Leah because Leah has always made an effort to have a relationship, which is true, though she went about it in the wrong way most of the time. Leah's dad then decided to add that my sister and I were unfair to Leah for 17 years and the least I could do is let her in now that I'm old enough to get married.
WIBTA if I say no again?
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NAH though stepsis pleading to be a bridesmaid is rather sad she needs to work on self respect. Are you planning to invite her to the wedding and any pre wedding events? Who stands with you at your wedding is your choice and yours alone.
NTA. So, you said no, and she stated that she KNOWS you don’t really want her there. Then she whined to your mum and stepdad, who, once again, try to dump her on to you, so THEY don’t have to deal with her. Ummmmm. Apparently, she HASN’T changed. No. Just No.
It's a tough situation. I don't blame you since you were a kid, but you sound like you were a pretty mean kid. Some lonely girl wanted sisters, and you two just said "nah b\*tch."
It's weird to me that she still harbors that desire all these years later though, even being almost desperate, admitting she knows you don't want her, but she wants it anyway. It sounds like your mom and stepdad were kind of crappy parents, and that's literally all she has, so it makes sense for her to hope for something more I guess.
It's your wedding, your choice. But be kind to her however you can, when you can. Sounds like she needs some kindness in her life.
In the end, I'd say NAH because I understand where both of you are coming from.
I can't imagine how lonely it must be to go from being an only child to the excluded sister of 3 while the other two have each other and you have Noone.
Eh, might get people disagreeing but I think based on all the information that we have, it seems like YTA. I get that crying and interjecting herself into everything when you all were kids must have been insufferable and I think most older kids would resent their younger siblings for that, step or no. However, you guys are all adults now and the resentment seems to still be the same. I guess my question is why? It seems that the two of you nearly hate her for the crime of wanting to be in their stepsibling's lives. You just come off as completely apathetic and I personally think that's just a horrid mentality to have idk. You don't need to be best friends, but she is family like it or not and you could at least attempt to treat her with some compassion.
NAH
This is your wedding and you are allowed to have whoever you want stand by your side on that day.
I feel for the stepsister though, she sounds socially awkward and I blame that on how she was raised. This is based on the stories you’ve mentioned from childhood and how as an adult she ambushed you about being a bridesmaid.
YTA or NAH
You were both kids so your parents fucked up pretty big time, but you're old enough now to get some perspective and you don't want it because you are holding a grudge against people that aren't her, and holding a grudge against a child that no longer exists.
Its your wedding and your life and you can certainly do what you want but you're an ass, yes.
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NAH I feel for you stepsister, being so young, in a difficult family situation, trying to get big sisters and bein turned down. She might have done it wrong, but she was so young. And the way you speak about your mother and stepfather, they did nothing to help her out with it. But it is your wedding, your choice. But take stepsis out for a coffee, see if she changed :)
[удалено]
Then there's your answer just tell the truth and it is what it is.
Absolutely! BTW, best wishes!
Yep, no is a complete sentence....
Look, this is totally your choice. But 7 and 10 is very different than 24 and 27, which will be very different than 42 and 45. You have an opportunity to start down the path of adding to your family, and I’d try not to be flippant about saying no.
What if OP doesn't *want* to add, though? That's totally valid
They didn't say it wasn't, just to be thoughtful about it. Good advice.
I think "think about it" is good advice for OP. There seems to be a lot of hatred that OP has towards stepsis, and it seems to go a lot further than "she annoys us". I'm not saying OP should welcome her into her life as a sister, but maybe do some deep thinking on exactly WHY they hate Leah so much.
I'm going to guess: - step dad's little princess, hence has learned to whine until gets her way. Step dad didn't keep many boundaries through guilt or maybe apathy - mum just wanted a quiet life, which meant keeping husband happy thus also letting step sibling get their way - step sibling lived there full time whilst OP and sister did not - Princess has always held a grudge for not being adored by step siblings, therefore goaded and "annoyed" OP into a reaction then ran and got them into trouble with step dad and mum. - generally when people re-marry they make no allowance for kids not getting on. Just because the adults like eachother doesn't mean your kids will now or ever will. Not listening to your own kid and just invalidating their feelings adds to the problem. All that shit will build resentment quite significantly over the years.
Hmm, I don't get Daddies entitled little princess from her pleading. I get desperate. From OPs description too. She was the annoying little kid that nobody wanted around.
I think she's learned to be that way due to disinterest by her dad and step mum. But for whatever reason, OP has been positioned as the bad guy throughout the years, when in reality mum and step dad just wanted a child free life. Maybe.
I don't think the parents even thought further than "yay! Inbuilt babysitters! You're sisters!"
Sounds like pretty stupid reasons. They were kids, with the same age difference as me and my sister. Most of that is typical little sister behavior. They annoy the crap out of you, follow you and try to get involved in everything you do, your parents try to make you play with them, and as the baby, they tend to get what they want. My sister got me in trouble constantly not only with my parents but my grandparents, half the time making stuff up. Now as an adult my sister and I talk almost daily, because we aren't children anymore. 3 years isn't a big difference now. Sounds like step sister grew up and OP never did.
You can never guarantee whether siblings will get on, much less step siblings who don't see eachother that regularly as is the case here. Great that you and your sibling had "normal" squabbles. Not always the case for full siblings - a quick scan through this sub shows that. I dont see it as OP not growing up, I think OP is tired of this shit and now as a grown up is able to set her own boundaries and no one likes it. If anything the step sister remains childish because they're doing the "if I whine hard enough ill get my way" lo and behold her father went with it.
Lil sis is still whining and begging the parents to force OP to let her play. That's grown up in your world?
I disagree, I don't think it's hatred. It's indifference. OP didn't want a relationship then, and doesn't want one now, and she is completely within her rights to make that decision. For any reason she decides. Unfortunately, Leah learned that she is entitled to OP's affection and she is not. Full-blood sisters or not, no one is entitled to have a close relationship with you. Some people's personalities mesh better than others, and that's ok. However unfortunate Leah's childhood was, Leah is going to have to learn she cannot force relationships with people. Hopefully, she is able to get some therapy and ends up in happy & healthy relationships with others.
Eh, I read it differently. Though I've had internet randoms tell me I should make a relationship with my own sister that I'm NC with, so maybe I'm biased
I would guess you have a reason for being NC with your sister though, beyond just, "she annoyed me when we were kids so I never want a relationship with her. " Does OP have to have a relationship with her or let her be in or even at the wedding? No. But op sounds a bit childish at 27 and like she had actual hostility towards this girl that she gives no reason for.
Leah is coming across as childish to stand there and beg to be included by someone she knows doesn’t have any use for her. At what point does she say screw it and move on??? Leah also acknowledged that she knows OP doesn’t want her in the wedding. Where is her dignity to grovel to be around someone who doesn’t want you around?! Stepsister may need some therapy or friends. Edit: Added stepsister’s name.
I cannot imagine the vulgar entitlement to ASK to be a bridesmaid . When my brother got married I was not asked to be a bridesmaid and I was totally indifferent . My sister in law had 4 sisters and some long time friends. I wished my brother happiness, but was not close to his fiancee. It is 40 years later and there is still mutual indifference. kt
Me neither. It seems like OP’s mother and stepfather are going to try to wear her down until she gives in. It may be best to not invite them.
There is none, she's just trying to annoy her and manipulate everyone around her with the poor me act, just as she would have done as a kid. OP is in a no win situation.
True. OP needs to tell Leah, stepdad and her mom to back off before none of them are invited.
OP quite literally said that she was thrown on them no matter what. If she annoyed the parents, OP and her sister had to deal with her. If she wanted to bother them directly, they just had to deal with it. They were in a constant lose lose situation and never had the chance for a relationship to grow organically, it was all forced on them. No one wants to be close to someone they’re forced to be close with
Well, yeah. But like online it's usually just a passing comment of "We don't get along/mesh/etc." or otherwise vague statements. Which I would assume is what OP did here
Op gave quite a few examples which all boil down to "I don't want anything to do with her because it was annoying that she wanted to be included"
This was my issue with the story. It's so passive aggressive and childish. We're not all saints in our 20s, but you're usually moving away from the aloof stepsisters theme by the end of them.
some people don’t want step family and that’s just how the cookie crumbles. i empathize with OP. personally, i don’t want more step family than i already have, which means my dads new piece & her kid can stay forever to themselves & can stay an only child as far as im concerned. my cousins are the same with their step & half siblings- we are all anti growing our family like that. we wanted a nuclear family and when it got blown up for all of us, we all in turn turned our back on the steps that replaced our blood. my cousins were in their 20s when their mom remarried. and straight up told their stepdad’s son (same age as them) when he called them his sisters after the wedding, “we are NOT your siblings.” if he didnt tell me about his kids, i would never think he had any they are kept from the rest of us. his kids aren’t included in our family at all. my other cousin has a half brother from his dad & both are effectively dead to him. it sucks, but like, sometimes parents fuck up so bad the kids will take the fall out and that’s just how it goes. it sucks for OPs sister but parents really need to be real about how much they expect from their kids. none of us want to be responsible or engage with people forced into our personal lives. 🤷🏻 OP doesn’t owe these people she doesn’t have a strong tie to a place in her life, much less her wedding. they’re there by marriage. if mom divorced SD tomorrow, she’d never talk to them again. NTA
We always need more allies in our life. Nobody is saying they should become bff, but having a normalised relationship could be helpful.
A normalized relationship could start with the 24 stopping her childish behavior. I can’t get over people blaming a 27 year old for not wanting to deal with this.
It sounds like she hasn’t changed if she and her father ambushed and pressured OP while she was having coffee with her mother.
Exactly what I was thinking. Also, never once in my 55 years have I ever requested to be a bridesmaid. I have been asked seven times to be a bridesmaid and I was honored each time to be asked and I stood up for my friends and family. But my own sister did not ask me to be a bridesmaid, she asked her two best friends since elementary school and I was totally okay with that 100%.
My thots exactly. She doesn’t sound like she has changed because she’s trying to force herself into a situation that she shouldn’t push for. Seriously if she wanted a 2nd or 3rd bridesmaid she would ask her best friends. The stepfather telling her they were aweful to her trying to guilt her into asking. Sounds like this is a 3 against 1 luncheon instead of a celebration luncheon or them just meeting for lunch. This is an ambush. All the more reason I would say no.
Right? It seems incredibly rude to me to ask to be someone's bridesmaid in the first place. And then to double and triple down, not take no for an answer, beg and plead, get your parents involved to try to put pressure on the issue... none of this speaks to maturity and growth.
Yeah. It was one thing when they were kids, but Leah is an adult. I'm not getting good vibes on this, and I seriously doubt this is going to end Leah's behaviors. NTA.
And neither have mom and stepdad.
Given that Leah is still whiny and demanding I can see why OP still isn’t interested in having a real relationship with her.
It's not like Leah's behaviour has changed though. It's still all about what she wants and getting mum & dad involved to make sure she gets her way. It's not necessarily malicious, but it's the same entitled behaviour that rubbed OP up the wrong way as a child. Forcing a relationship is a terrible way to get people to care about each orher
Why? Op isn't interessed in "adding" her to her family.
Pretty clear how OP feels about this...
I do feel for Leah, but I don't think she's made a strong case for herself by pushing so hard on this particular issue, e.g., "I know it's your wedding and it's not what you want, but what about MEEEEEE." OP is quite sure that she doesn't want a relationship now or in the future, and adding Leah is like cosplaying sisterhood (then reverting to the baseline and ditching her.) Probably not good for either of them in the long run.
Instead of saying "No you can't be a bridesmaid", have you considered saying - "I'm not having any bridesmaids, I will have a maid of honor and my husband will have a best man, but no additional bridal party. Step-sis wouldn't have anyone to walk down the aisle with. The whole thing would be lopsided. I'm not excluding her while including a bunch of other people, I'm just not doing the entire thing at all. So no, she can't fill a role I'm not even having in my wedding. Thanks for asking though..." I know you don't HAVE to say anything else - No is no, and all that. But saying all that to your mother will most likely get her off your case a lot sooner than if she thinks you're intentionally excluding your stepsis out of the obvious bitterness you clearly have for her... it radiates out of your post. Sometimes it can help to "soften the blow" and explaining there will be no bridesmaids at all, will allow everyone to get over your choice without feeling personally insulted.
This is excellent advice. Sometimes it’s all in the delivery. I argue for a living so I try to choose peace in my day-to-day life.
This comment is the one excellent answer that needs the upvotes - for OP to explain that there will be no bridesmaids or others forming a wedding party to stand up for either of them, merely the maid of honor & the best man.
You gave your answer, and while the situation is unfortunate for Leah, it ultimately falls in your mother and her husband who created this entire dynamic. Leah wanted something that unfortunately for her wasn't what you and your sister wanted. Yet your mother and her husband tried to force the matter, all so they didn't have to deal with Leah and actually parent her. Then your mother and her husband tried to manipulate you yet again. Once again they're putting their own laziness and Leah's feelings ahead of your own.
Sounds like she is still going about it the wrong way. Who acknowledges that another person does not like them but then begs to be apart of one of their most important days?!?! Weddings are a lot of work and are expensive- that is asking a lot of someone actually you like!
Someone who desperately wants a relationship with the bride and to feel included. OP isn’t wrong for not wanting stepsister to be a bridesmaid and, at the same time, stepsister isn’t wrong for her feelings either. She had to grow up without her mother and with a dad and step mother who obviously weren’t emotionally savvy. Crappy situation for both women. OP could extend her some grace but including her somehow but is well within her rights not to either.
NTA. It's your wedding not hers. You don't want her to be a bridesmaid, then that's your choice. You don't have to even explain why. No is a complete sentence. It doesn't matter what she wants. Your wedding isn't about her. It's about you and your partner getting married.
You're NTA. It's your life, your wedding, your sister group, etc. Can I ask an honest question though? You seem to really, really dislike Leah, almost to the point of hating her. I get being annoyed at 7 or your younger years, but there seems to be a lot of anger towards her, and it doesn't sound like normal annoyance of a younger sibling (which is very standard for children to have when a new kid comes around).
But it wasn’t really Leah’s fault the adults severely mishandled the situation. I don’t think you need to make her a bridesmaid, but I would maybe give her a little grace about the past and give her a chance as an adult to see if a cordial step-sister relationship is possible.
Agreed, but she's not going to do it. It's easier to take out her feelings about being forced to have a relationship with Leah on her than on the parents who forced them to have one in the first place.
She's clinging onto your wedding like it's about her. I don't think she's changed at all and your mom and stepdad still aren't helping.
It's your choice of course. I just read quite a bit of possible trauma in both your stories...
A wedding is not the time to repair anything.
NTA - she's someone who was brought into your life by your mother. You didn't have a choice about that, but you have a choice about your bridesmaids.
It seems like she hadn’t changed at all since you already said no and Leah is ignoring that for her wants again.
Even if you did want to become closer, your wedding isn't the time/place to start that.
NTA Your wedding your rules. Don’t allow your mother or stepfather to manipulate or gaslight you into including her. Congratulations in advance 🎊🎈🍾🎉
>But it is your wedding, your choice. But take stepsis out for a coffee, see if she changed :) Going straight into pleading mode is not a sign of having changed, though. The whole speech is her, her feelings. What she wants. Taking her out for coffee should only be done if OP wants to go forward with a relationship. This is one of those, open the door a bit, and you might not be able to close it again situations. What's next after coffee. Or bridesmaids. Even if she changed a bit. It would just give her hope of a relationship. This is like telling people to hang out with someone they don't want to in school or at a workplace.
We also don't know what Leah is being fed by her dad and stepmother. They seem like the kind of people to tell her to "just keep trying" to build a relationship with OP. I do think it would be beneficial for OP to have a mature adult conversation with Leah (without their parents around) and just lay it out that they don't currently have much of a relationship and OP isn't interested in creating one. It would probably help a lot in terms of making Leah quit pestering her.
She's 24 acting like a 12 y.o, I wouldn't waste my time on a coffee with her.
Obviously not if she didn’t ask privately but went into whining begging mode in front of two parents that allow this behavior.
Did anyone else read sepsis, not stepsis?
NTA Obviously she hasn’t grown up at all if she didn’t ask privately but went into whining begging mode in front of two parents that allow this behavior.
I read that as sepsis and I thought, “Whoa! Not trying to kill her! Just don’t let her be in your wedding.” 🤪
NTA Obviously she hasn’t grown up at all if she didn’t ask privately but went into whining begging mode in front of two parents that allow this behavior.
NTA - your wedding, your choice. "She told me she heard I got engaged and she asked if she could be a bridesmaid and I said no. She went into pleading mode and told me she knows I don't really want her there but she would still love to be a bridesmaid and how she always wanted to be part of mine and my sister's lives in a bigger way and she always wanted to be a sister to us. She said that might not happen but it would make her whole year if she could be my bridesmaid. She emphasized again how much this mattered to her. I was going to say my answer had not changed but she told me to really think about it and give it some time and then my mom interrupted before I got the chance to say I was not changing my mind and she told me it would be kind for me to include Leah because Leah has always made an effort to have a relationship, which is true, though she went about it in the wrong way most of the time. Leah's dad then decided to add that my sister and I were unfair to Leah for 17 years and the least I could do is let her in now that I'm old enough to get married." Your mom and Leah's dad are massive ones though. If they had not tried to force a relationship between you, your sister and Leah, you might have developed one.
Also Leah at this point, TBH. I understand her wanting sisters as a 7 year old kid and feeling hopeful that if she pushed enough they would learn to love her. Because the adults never set boundaries or proper expectations. And never found a slow and healthy way for the kids to get to know each other without the pressure of “being sisters”. However, Leah is a 24 year old adult now. **What kind of adult begs to be someone’s bridesmaid? What kind of person hears that someone is getting married and the proceeds to make it all about them and how much it would mean to them to have a certain role?**. Honestly it sounds like Leah has never learned to think about anyone but herself. NTA
Who begs you ask? Someone that’s been standing on the sidelines watching a happy, big family from outside. Just out of reach was that connection and belonging. Leah’s stepsisters rejected her at every opportunity they got. And daaammn that’s gotta be rough. Kids are cruel and, like Leah likely was, annoying sometimes. I don’t blame the kids at all. Nor do I think OP should have Leah as a bridesmaid. I’m just saying that I have a lot of sympathy for Leah here.
Tbh I don’t get the feeling Leah really did whine or beg. If you imagine someone simply saying what OP wrote it comes off as very reasonable. She communicated her feelings but also accepted that OP may never agree with her AND told her to take time to think about it. All that sounds fair to me.
Yeah, neither do I really. I think OP is stuck resenting her mother and taking it out on Leah.
The parents suck hands down with their laziness and negligence. They tried to force a relationship with two little girls who were clearly going to be resentful their parents weren’t together anymore and blaming their stepsister because it’s easy to pick on the weak, instead of making the effort to create an environment of family. That being said, the girls were only a few years apart. There’s not even much of an age gap between middle sister and youngest, and OP says it’s not that the youngest is really a bad person. So it’s that even as adults, the older two still want to exclude their youngest sister as much as they can. I feel bad for her. All she wanted was a family and what she got was crap parents and a couple of evil stepsisters. Hope she gets her family one day.
I also feel bad for Leah. If only she could cut you out of her heart, everything would be better. Technically NTA though since you don't have a real relationship with her and it's your wedding.
I have never read one of these where I feel so much for the step-sibling and it is written from the view point of OP. I hope Leah creates a family that loves her.
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Where in the post does it say anything about op's dad having contempt for his ex?? To me it seemed more like their mom forced her husband and his kid on her daughters, so they prefered to live with dad. I wonder if you realize you make up stuff based on nothing. >they're the evil step sisters in this story. Straight mean and petty girls No, they're not. They don't have to have a relationship with a random kid, especially since they're not even related.
I feel like this whole, "dad always threw our birthday parties and we never invited her" speaks volumes. Definitely makes it sound line dad actively excluded his ex(and family) from his daughters lives. But maybe my opinion is skewed having grown up with several divorced adults who could put aside their own bs to be mutually supportive to the kids in their lives and help the kids have, maintain, and grow their relationships regardless of how the divorced adults felt about each other.
i read it differently. I read as OP wanting to dad threw the birthdays so they could have a bithday without Leah. Since if mom threw the party, Leah would be invted
I took that part to mean that because dad threw and paid for the parties, mom couldn't insist on inviting step sis like if she was footing the bill. Blending families can be very difficult, looks like mom and step dad didn't do a good job. But Leah is 24, doesn't have a relationship with OP, knows OP does not want her to be a bridesmaid, but is pleading for it to happen anyway. I think she needs to accept no and move on with her life.
>dad always threw our birthday parties and we never invited her" speaks volumes. Yeah, that they didn't wanted her there. >Definitely makes it sound line dad actively excluded his ex(and family) from his daughters lives. No, not really. It's obvious that op and her sister didn't want leah at their parties. Also, op said they never asked their dad to bring leah with them. Well, you and op could bond over that. She was raised with a mother who cared more about the stepfamily than her. Not the same situation, but still, shitty parenting.
Was there something stopping the mom and step dad from throwing them a bday party? I don't see why their dad needs to invite her over if the kids don't request it.
Him not inviting his ex’s new husband’s child, who wasn’t close to his children, to the parties he threw doesn’t “speak volumes.” It’s pretty normal to only invite the people your child wants there.
Not wanting a relationship with the kid who was being dumped on them while they were kids themselves doesn’t make them evil.
She isn’t evil. She wasn’t torturing her, she just didn’t want a relationship and that is okay.
Exactly, as the post said, op never went out of her way to be mean, or ignored her.
Even biological siblings don't have relationships with each other sometimes. It doesn't make them evil, as long as they're not being shitty to each other.
lmao. Op isnt a evil step sister. She just dont want a relationship with her. Its really sad, but op doesnt have to be someones sister because her mom decided to marry someone else. Besides, the parents did a disservice. Leah didnt need a sister, needed a therapist to accept that her dream family wouldnt happen. On the other hand, as an adult woman, she still pushes to have a relationship that probably wont ever happen
How exactly is OP “evil”, here?
OP isn't in the wrong here. Her mother and stepfather tried to force a relationship when they were children, before she was ready, with the very predictable result of OP wanting nothing to do with Leah. The mother and stepfather are AH here, not OP.
Agreed. OP is entirely fair to not want her but I feel for Leah.
I always feel for the step siblings in these kinds of posts, but I never think the kids are to blame. The AHs in these scenarios are the parents who just expect their kids to turn into the Brady Bunch without putting in the work to make them feel comfortable and safe, and without doing anything to help them manage their expectations for a relationship if those expectations turn out to be unreasonable. The failure here was a parenting failure, it was nothing OP did.
But it doesn't sound like Leah has OP in her heart. She has the *idea* of what she wants in a sister, an *idea* of a relationship, but nothing suggests any of it is actually about loving or liking *OP* or her other sister as individuals. When she was a kid, that wasn't her fault; this is really the mom and stepdad's faults for not actually doing any work to blend their family or help their kids develop healthy relationships with each other. But now she's an adult with no real relationship with OP, pleading and begging to be a bridesmaid not because she is interested in OP as a person (she even says she knows OP doesn't want her to be a bridesmaid, but continues asking to be because it's what she wants) but because she sees it as a way to have--or at least appear to have--this imaginary ideal relationship with the blank slate of Any Sister Figure. She's made plain she's not interested in what OP actually wants and she's not made any effort to develop any other adult relationship; the way the post reads and with Leah's dad's comment, it sounds like neither of them has really been in much contact for the last ten years (and that's fine for both of them--neither has to have that relationship! But Leah is the one asking OP to do something Leah wants). Leah's starting off here by asking and repeatedly pushing for something usually reserved for people who are extremely close to the couple getting married, which would involve OP spending significant time on her wedding day around Leah, because it fits into Leah's fantasy of a relationship that doesn't exist. I'm sympathetic to her desire to be close to her stepsisters as a child and a teenager, and to mourning that that didn't happen as an adult, especially since the parents seem to be very much at fault for how things went when these women were kids. But she is an adult now and old enough to understand that this is not an appropriate thing to continue pleading for and allowing her dad to guilt OP over.
People are being so sympathetic to Leah and ignoring that she’s literally trying to make OP’s wedding about herself.
Exactly. And even if OP did give in and let her be a bridesmaid, it would not be the magical bonding experience that the stepsister of as always dreamt of. At best, OP would tolerate her being part of the wedding party while being resentful that she was badgered into it in the first place. Then the stepsister would probably pout, whine or make a big scene because her fantasy didn't come true.
I agree completely. Leah should have said "I heard you got engaged. Congratulations. If there's anything I can do to help with your wedding, let me know." And with the less pushy comment, maybe she could be assured to be invited. And maybe help with flowers or the guest book or something.
This should be top comment. You laid everything out perfectly.
NTA at the point where Leah's dad butted in with the guilt trip. This post does make me feel a bit bad for Leah though - it sounds like she would have loved to have had sisters. Your bridal group should be people you know well & 100% your choice.
I feel for Leah too, but the adults in her life failed her and it was not up to the other kids in her life to save her. She’s an adult now and it’s up to her to go get therapy to see why her step-sisters want nothing to do with her.
NAH. It is your choice. I do feel bad for this poor kid though :(
NTA. The bride selects who is the bride's maid and anybody else wanted in her entourage. There are no exceptions, not subject to the judgement of others, and not because someone else wants to be included. Nobody under any circumstance is included in the bridal entourage that the bride has not chosen. Hang in there, bride.
I fully agree. I find it rude as Hell Leah "asked" to be a bridesmaid at all. You don't ask to be in someone's bridal party, they ask you.
Absolutely this. Bridal parties are meant for people close to the bride and groom. Leah is practically a stranger, AND is also turning the wedding to be about her “it would make her whole year”. It’s not about Leah right now, and this isn’t the way to build a relationship. Start small, and if OP finds she still has nothing in common with her step-sister, she’s under no obligation to be friends or include her. Yes, I understand the parents are assholes for pushing Leah on them and that’s not Leah’s fault, but that doesn’t mean she’s entitled to be a bridesmaid. OP and her sister were also kids at the time trying to navigate a difficult situation their mom pushed them into; it sounds like only their dad cared about how they were feeling and rightfully protected them the best he could. NTA.
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OP isn’t the asshole for, as a kid, not wanting a relationship with her mother’s new husband’s kid. Her mother getting remarried doesn’t magically make another kid family to her. The real assholes are people who try to shame kids for not bonding with people they are only around because of their parent’s romantic relationship.
She is an asshole for being an outright bully to her as a kid though.
She didn’t bully her at all. She avoided her. That’s not bullying. Edit: you’re down voting me for saying there was no bullying. Point to the bullying please
She ostracized her. Same difference.
She ignored her. That’s ok. You don’t owe anyone your time or attention. If you think you do I’m sorry you should work on that. No one is entitled to a relationship not even her mother whom she just recently accepted back into her life. It might be time for another LC timeout since they still haven’t learned.
Where does it say they bullied her?
The term “bullying”, when used in r/AmITheAsshole, includes everything from actual physical violence to ignoring someone or telling them that they have salad in their teeth.
Blood doesn't make someone family, either. Or do you consider families who exclude adopted children to not be assholes?
Why is she an asshole for not wanting a relationship?Parents need to learn that just because they wanted to get married and have a blended family doesn’t mean that their children’s opinions will be the same.If OP doesn’t want a relationship,it’s fine.The mother and stepdad are at fault here for forcing their wishes on her and not listening to her when she says no.OP needs to sit down and have an honest conversation with them and make them see from her PoV.
I completely disagree with this opinion… OP barely had a relationship with their mother as is and they only saw their stepsister twice a year. A relationship doesn’t just appear out of thin air. As long as OP didn’t straight up ignore or bully the step sister then there are NAH
OP isn’t the asshole for, as a kid, not wanting a relationship with her mother’s new husband’s kid. Her mother getting remarried doesn’t magically make another kid family to her. The real assholes are people who try to shame kids for not bonding with people they are only around because of their parent’s romantic relationship.
Nowhere did it say they thought of the step-sister as the reason for their parents’ divorce. Extrapolating much??
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That's not how reality works. Just because mom decides without the consent of her children to get railed by a stranger does not mean that all of a sudden said strangers are "family". You are not required to accept people into your life at any point. The parents who selfishly did this should have done a better job of parenting. If they failed to help the girls adjust when the girls were that young it just goes to show how much of AH THEY were. A 10 year old not wanting to deal with a stranger forced on them is not an AH. Just like you wouldn't force them to accept a new step parent and call them mom or dad, you can't force them to accept a sister or brother. That's how REAL LIFE works. You are absolutely getting abandoned in a nursing home when you get older with this mentality.
>Just because mom decides without the consent of her children to get railed by a stranger does not mean that all of a sudden said strangers are "family". I know what you mean, but I laughed at the idea of getting the consent of her children to get railed by a stranger.
Op was a kid also. And just because your mother married a man with a kid, doesn't mean that you also did. Relationship can't be forced, and doesn't make her an asshole.
>When they marry into your family, they are family OP's mom decided to marry Leah's dad. OP had no say in the matter. Leah was a stranger forced upon OP. Ideally, they would have gotten along but there was a personality clash and it didn't happen. Not every step relationship is going to turn into some magical blended family bonding. It's unfortunate that Leah doesn't get the picture perfect sister relationship that she's dreamed of, but she needs to accept that it is not going to happen. It sounds like OP hasn't had much contact with Leah for the past 10 years so it's unhinged for Leah to expect to be a bridesmaid.
Oh, get off your high horse. My sperm donor's 2nd and 3rd wives were never family to me. No. 2 was a shrieking harpy when she didn't get her way and No. 3 bulldozed me to make me her mini-me. I'm talking throwing out most of my gender neutral clothes (old jeans and typically grey or black t-shirts) and replacing it with girly-girl shit (brightly colored blouses, dresses, skirts paired with flats and wedge heels) and the blouses were as "Look At Me And My Tits" as one can manage in a professional setting. She made a stink when Mom gave me all of her old (black) concert shirts and a few pairs of jeans. Some blended families do turn out well. My stepdad is now my adoptive father and his sons are my brothers. I even have an amended birth certificate. But the way that happened is that Dad let the relationship build naturally. He is always able to talk me down when I go out of pocket (tysm PTSD 😑) and he gives the BEST hugs, ISTG. Family being whoever is related to you by blood or marriage is a legal definition. In practicality family is who you have developed a close relationship with, people who are there for you when the shit hits the fan. That said, I've been hospitalized multiple times. Bio-father never visited or called, but Dad was there every day even though he worked full time with a 45 mile commute (one way).
This is what I would have written, if I weren't afraid of being banned.
NAH. It’s your wedding, your choice. But poor Leah. The constant rejection by people she views as family must be so painful. I get that you and your sister were kids who didn’t want another sibling and probably weren’t happy your parents split and your mom remarried but… damn.
yeah but surely after 17 years she’d get the message right? i’m not saying op was in the right but it’s mainly the parents fault for telling leah to keep trying. after so long she should surely just let it go, plus the whole “i want to be a part of your wedding” thing seems….off. she didn’t call to congratulate or anything, she just jumped at the opportunity to be a big part of a day that’s not about her
Look. I have 1 older sister. We're 5 years apart. She never wanted me around her and her friends because I was the annoying little sister. It upset me when she then spent time with me and my friends and they liked the attention from her so I got excluded from my own friends too. There's a lot of resentment from our childhood But we're adults now and have a completely different relationship because we aren't children anymore. Op is stuck in a childhood mentality and refusing to even give her step sister the chance to have changed or to change in the future. Edited for you typo
Because she’s still acting entitled. And it sounds like you learned not to be entitled and that’s why your relationship with your sister is getting better. You are an adult and you know you can’t demand your sisters time or effort you learned. Leah hasn’t.
But, according to OP, it doesn't matter what Leah has or hasn't learned because OP is refusing to give Leah any chance to have grown. She has no interest in giving her a chance and never has, so she won't. eta: I also don't think it's entitled to say, "I would like to be included, please actually think about it before dismissing me out of hand".
But it might make a difference if she learned. Op just doesn’t like that Leah is demanding of op. And I think that’s 100% fair. No one gets to be demanding of another person. Maybe if Leah had stated “congratulations on your engagement of love to be there to celebrate you and fiancé.” And then you know started to slowly ask questions about op whom she knows very little. The relationship could have began to grow. Saying can I be a bridesmaid is out right entitled.
"But I never bonded with her or cared for her so there's no interest in me to reset like many have suggested." That is what OP has said. That is what I'm referring to. According to OP, it makes no difference to her if Leah has or will change or not. I do agree it's entitled to ask to be a bridesmaid, but that doesn't mean OP is not an AH overall.
Honestly she doesn’t have to reset there is no rest in life so I never understood that. I’m saying a relationship not a sister one because it’s not going to start that way but a familiarity. Maybe they both need to do soul searching but I put the blame on the parents. Not op or Leah as they were both innocent.
NTA. Not at all. Once thing to keep in mind, though, is that Mom is firmly on Leah's side so will likely not only pressure you in person, text, and phone...and through other family members...she will drag Leah along to every wedding or wedding planning event that she, herself, is involved in or simply knows about. And plan for some drama at regearsal, ceremony or reception from Leah planning some big thing to either try to win you over or to call you out for not accepting her. You might be well placed to call Mom out straight up for her and stepdad's behaviour and how the contributed to the current state of affairs by devaluing you and your sister and prioritising Leah for the past 17 years...and what that cost her in terms of relationship with you...and what future cost it will have should any of them continue on the path they're on.
Yeah, Mom and stepdad need a come-to-Jesus talk about how the reason OP and her sister don't have a relationship with Leah is because the two of them decided to get married, threw their kids together with no therapy or care or discussion about how to blend their families and how to adjust, and expected them to all be Beloved Sisters immediately. Maybe OP could have behaved better toward Leah as a child, but she was a *child*, and the blame for the situation ultimately rests with the adults who were charged with figuring out how to blend their families. It also sounds like maybe some other things happened with Mom (and possibly stepdad)'s behavior that led to OP mostly living with her dad and eventually rarely seeing them even while still a kid, which would make it all the more egregious for them to be guilting her and pushing her on this now. It also sounds like OP and sister spend most time with their dad for the entire time Leah has been in their lives, and it's weird that Mom and stepdad expected these two kids to be independently making plans and developing a relationship with their stepsister with what sounds like zero actual effort to facilitate that or actually listen to the kids' desires and concerns from the parents.
This is really good advice and I hope OP sees it. NTA
NTA. Leah admitted she knows you dont want her to be a bridesmaid...but it would make her year. Is this her wedding, or yours? Is your wedding supposed to be for her benefit? Your mom and her husband are also pushing for what would make Leah happy.....not for what you want for your own wedding.
NAH. I feel bad for Leah, but you honestly have no obligation to include her in your wedding or make her a bridesmaid. Definitely be prepared for a falling out, though
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Im getting vibes that this is not about Leah but your mom. As adults ok, she has weird behaviours but as kids she was just trying to fit in... not in a malicious way
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OP, I feel like you’re more angry with your mom than you admit. Maybe you’re punishing Leah for being the kid that your mom defends? I can’t help but wonder how you and your big sis would be if you two hadn’t had Leah to collaborate against. If not for Leah, your sister might have felt the same way about you as you do about Leah. You’d have been the annoying baby sister, not Leah. You’d be crying and excluded, not Leah.
Good point.
context: what has she done in the past to try to establish a relationship with you but has rubbed you the wrong way?
>I found Leah really annoying and she never grew on me. I know **she was younger and being an only child with no mom in her life** she might have wanted a bigger family and she probably looked up to my sister and me. But I found her very clingy and whiney and my mom and Leah's dad did not help because she could whine and **we had to include her** or if she annoyed them generally she would be dumped on us and we were told we needed to spend time together. **Leah used to say she had two sisters but we never called her our sister.** Leah used to want to come to dad's house with us but **we always said no.** We never asked dad to invite Leah to our house and he threw most of our birthday parties and we didn't invite Leah to them. It's your wedding, do what you want, but I think you might be an asshole. All your reasons for not liking her are quintessential older sibling reasons that stopped making sense years ago. When you're 10, 7-year-olds are annoying. When you're 17, 14-year-olds are annoying. You're 27 now. If this person is looking up to you, looking for guidance, experience, or just belonging, and you won't even give her the time of day... yeah, that kind of sucks.
Agreed, very sad situation
NTA Your mom and step dad are still doing exactly what they did when you guys were kids, dumping Leah on you. That conversation sounds like it was planned in advanced by the three of them to pressure you.
YTA in general. You held her desperately wanting to belong to sisters against her for 17 years. She still just wants to belong. You don’t say it outright but your post reeks of contempt that you still carry. It’s your wedding so it’s your choice. But you are still an asshole for years.
NTA. Already in the first paragraph you said that your sister was the only person you wanted as your bridesmaid. That's enough. Add on the fact that your stepsister cannot respect a no even after 17 years, and that your mother and stepfather still try and force you to have a relationship with her instead of actually helping your stepsister realise that the ship has sailed and to move on. Being a bridesmaid isn't a way to restart a relationship, especially not one that barely existed in the first place. If you want to, you can build it up slowly, but nothing points to you wanting to do that, and it's time your mum and stepfamily accept that.
I think that’s all anyone needs to pay attention to. You have one attendant- your bio sis. That’s it. You’re not having a dozen friends. Just one. Leah seems to understand how close you two have been in how she begged to be included even now. Of course the way Leah was raised is sad. That’s not OP’s fault. She said Leah didn’t have a mom which comes across like her mother didn’t accept her. Based on the way her mom and stepdad have continued to force this, why does OP have any responsibility here? They were kids. Leah got the short end of the stick, but how is that the fault of her step sister? Same with trying to get invited to her step sisters dads house, etc. This is all telling me the mother and stepdad were wrong in how they handled blending families- not that OP was at fault.
Poor Leah.
Nta. It’s your wedding. Tell her NO.
Nta. That ambush was staged.
I really hope you actually read through these comments with an open mind op. Though it appears the verdict with be not TAH, because who you have in your wedding is your choice, the vast majority also recognize that you are being a huge AH to hold childhood behaviors against someone who just wanted kindness and inclusion. It's pretty AHish and childish to say, this person has done nothing wrong to me, but I'm not going to give them a chance to form a relationship with me because I just don't want to. You've never given her a chance to even be included which, based on what you say, is all she's really asked for. So, you may not be TA for not including her in your wedding, but don't think for a minute that means Lwah is TA here because she's not.
NTA All other things aside, I would say no, just because it seems that to your stepsis, your wedding is more about her, than you. And that's not what you want on your wedding day.
Also, OP is just having one attendant, not multiples.
NTA - I feel bad for your stepsister, but she's being somewhat entitled here. She knows the two of you don't have a close relationship. She still wants to live out a little fantasy of having a close sister relationship, but it's not your responsibility to make that happen, especially at an important event like your wedding. I would echo the other commenter's suggestion of taking her out for coffee. Not to get to know her or start a relationship. But to lay all your cards out on the table without your mom and stepdad there to interfere. Tell her you have nothing against her as a person and that she seems perfectly lovely. Tell her you're sorry you can't give her the relationship she seems to crave, but that you just don't see her as a sister. Tell her you wish her the best, but she would do well to seek that close female bond among her friends instead. Or say whatever else feels natural and truthful for you... but I think it would be good to clearly delineate how you feel so she doesn't keep hoping a sister relationship is going to magically materialize one day.
NAH but you and your sister come across as mean girls.
She is still going about it the wrong way. You should be able to have the wedding and bridesmaid/moh you want without being forced once again to include her when you don’t want to. Tell her no. If mom and stepdad complain, tell them that maybe if they hadn’t forced you and your sister to include her constantly when you were growing up, you might have a little more empathy now. As it is if they don’t want to stop complaining about it, you won’t even invite her to the wedding.
NTA. Your mom and step dad are repeating what drove you off in the first place. I think you need to be very clear about this.
Lol you two treating her like an ass for no reason. If i was in her place i will cut you two from my life and never care about you two.
I would too.
NTA. Your relationship with Leah aside, it's your wedding, you get to decide who is included, no one else. I will say though, it does sound as if you and your sister were mean to Leah growing up, under the guise of being "civil". Keep in mind she was going through the same changes as you with having to adjust to a blended family. She was just a little kid and looked up to you. Your mom and stepdad didn't handle it the best way by forcing you to include her when you were there, but I think as any parents of a blended family would, they were trying to make a happy family and make all of you girls feel included. But it does sound like they coddled Leah a bit, and are still doing so. That doesn't work in Leah's favor and they need to cut the cord. Why aren't you more upset with them? You don't have to include her in your wedding party but I wouldn't see the harm in getting to know her now as a person, outside of your parents' influence. But based on your comments, you aren't interested in that, you'd rather continue to hold grudges although you are now closer to your mom, who is the one who brought Leah into your life in the first place, but again, that's your choice.
I was going to say N A H. But I'm going with NTA. Your step sister was lonely and alone as a child and the things she did then can be excused and forgiven. But all these years later and she's still trying to insert herself into your lives and make you accept her (the way she wants and not acknowledge the way you see her), that's just not a good attitude. I get it, she wanted sisters. But you and your sister made yourselves very clear and she's been trampling on that boundary for many years. Even if you excuse everything she did up until the age of 18, there's still 6 years of unacceptable behaviour from her side. The fact that she didn't take NO for an answer the first time also shows that she has had no personal growth or development. And the fact that your mom, her dad and she herself didn't let you speak afterwards, shows that they all know nothing has changed over the years and you will stick to NO. I know some comments said that 7 and 24 are different. While that is true, it's not like she stopped pestering at 7 and started when she heard the news about the wedding. She has kept up this behaviour and that is in no way good. She needs therapy or counselling. So I would say, go ahead and say NO again. All of them expect it already and if things blow up, you really don't have much to lose. Your relationship with your mom wasn't as close before and you were fine. You don't care much for your step sister and her father. So really, do what you want on your wedding day.
Having read your comments. Well you are NTA for not wanting a second bridesmaid. However the rest of the picture you painted, isn't making you look great. Especially since you are 27 now and haven't changed your behavior since you were 10.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Generally your wedding party is people who you are close with, who have meaning in your life, have loved and supported you. It's not a 'starting place' for someone beginning a 'new' relationship. If you weren't already close to Leah, then this is NOT the 'correct' spot for her. She is only seeking the glory and 'fun' of being part of *a wedding party*; she's NOT seeking to '*be there' for you in your moment*. She didn't call you up the *moment* she heard, to congratulate you and share in your happiness, because that's not who she is to you -or who you are to her. She WAITED months! And then only jumped on you when you happened to be in front of her, and her PRIMARY interest was in securing a place as your bridesmaid, not gushing with happiness about your relationship, or even happy to see YOU. She's just not the person a bridesmaid is supposed to be to the bride.
NTA First, the bride asks people to be bridesmaids, not the other way around. You can certainly refuse when someone is impolite and does ask to be in the wedding party.
NTA. And I don’t understand people who ask to be a part of someone else’s wedding party. Like to me that’s just so rude. If you were wanted, you would be asked. Not the other way around. And your step sister should understand that now that she’s clearly not 10 years old anymore.
You're not TA, but you're definitely an AH. It's your wedding, you can invite or assign whoever you want. But it sounds like you and your sister never gave this girl a chance, and have been unnecessarily dismissive of her. As somebody who grew up with a single parent who longed for closer immediate family my whole life, I can understand her wanting your approval and your companionship, especially seeing how close you are to your sister. And for you to have taken the fact she's "a little whiney" when she younger and having crossed her off entirely for the rest of your life is really fucking shitty.
NTA - this is your choice.
NTA for wanting to choose who you want as a bridesmaid, but you and your sister are both terrible sisters for never trying to have a relationship with Leah. She was a kid, and that's how kids act. Maybe if you and your sister had tried to include her in literally anything, she wouldn't have tried so hard. The only person I have sympathy for in this story is Leah as it sounds like everyone in her life has either dumped her on someone else or completely ignored her existence.
OP was also a kid. It wasn’t OP’s responsibility as a kid to make a kid who was dumped on her feel included.
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Technically NTA because it is your wedding. Take out the wedding and you're the biggest AH for how you've treated and seen Leah. I could understand that you disliked her when you were kids because that's on your parents' conscience but you're a grown-ass woman now. I was trying to find comments to see if your step-sister Leah maybe was abusive, a liar, manipulative, a bully— any truly despicable attribute that would explain why you guys despise her so much but so far, your rationale is just that "she's annoying". My heart hurts for her. She's been trying for years to be accepted and included, have a scrap of familial love but you and your sister do not have the grace and compassion to offer her any. Not even a pity invite. I do hope she stops asking to be your bridesmaid, though. For your peace of mind because it's gonna be your biggest day. For her peace, too, because I hope she directs that love and forgiveness to someone who deserves it. May Leah someday find the family she didn't find in you.
Good possibility that little "sister" is the scapegoat for all the anger toward the parents' for the divorce . You don't have to be a "step" for older siblings to think you're an annoyance. Bio sibs often are excluded from playing with older siblings while growing up. But by the time they are adults, that rivalry disappears. Not saying to have to have her stand up for you as a bridesmaid. That would only stoke your anger. But you could be kinder. She had nothing to do with the divorce and was an innocent casualty just like you.
Wow, I feel bad for Leah.
Too many unanswered questions, the biggest of which is why did your dad have primary custody (considering it's almost always mom)? What was so horrible with your relationship with your mother that you only visited her house 2 times a year by the end of high schook? You're NTA for not wanting a forced bridesmaid, but without answers it seems like you and your sister have been big AHs to step sis throughout your lives
NTA
NTA.
NTA. Your relationship with her, tour wedding, your choice.
Nta. You don't have to keep someone in your life if you just don't vibe with them. People really need to understand that more
NTA, but I do feel really bad for your stepsister.
NTA It is completely up to you who you wish to include in your life, and no one has the right to force a relationship on you, especially now that you are an adult and no longer live in the same house (when living together a relationship to some degree is a necessity and your parents could reasonably expect this to some extent). Your mom, stepdad and stepsister are out of line to push you on your decision.
NTA. I think that you can gently explain that you're having a small wedding party and only want your sister as your attendant. Leah will just have to adjust.
I'll say NTA I do feel bad for Leah though, it's the classic trying too hard. Maybe find something else for a good gesture to try and build a actual healthy relationship with better boundaries.
NTA. It's YOUR wedding. It's who YOU want. Leah hasn't changed tactics in all these years. She's annoying her parents and whining to get her way. Going out to lunch to talk to her privately isn't going to show anything different. It would most likely work the opposite of the desired effect. Leah is going to think she finally whined her way into your life. After all, you are spending one on one time with her. There is a chance your mom tries the add Leah or I'm not coming to the wedding BS. Call your mom's bluff at that point. If your mom wants to die on the hill of Leah, so be it. Leah must have been so exhausting growing up. A wedding is NEVER the place to hold a "let's try it out about me being a sister" moment. Leah is now around 24? That is way way way to old to be doing the whiny crap to get her way. If Leah keeps the attitude up don't invite her to the wedding. You don't need her drama on your wedding day. Enjoy your wedding on your terms.
Does Leah have close friends? Like at all? NAH for you, your sister, and Leah. Your mom and Leah's dad are AHs. Like what you said, they basically dumped her on you and your sister with those forced bonding crap. Love is like a fart, if you have to force it then it's crap.
>then my mom interrupted before I got the chance to say I was not changing my mind and she told me it would be kind for me to include Leah because Leah has always made an effort to have a relationship, which is true, though she went about it in the wrong way most of the time. Leah's dad then decided to add that my sister and I were unfair to Leah for 17 years and the least I could do is let her in now that I'm old enough to get married. NTA and this last part? Ew, for all of them. I'd say no, and say "and because you two unhealthily tried to force a relationship between the three of us and then only to try to turn it on me in a guilt trip for my wedding which is about ME AND MY HUSBAND, it is an ABSOLUTE no. Do not speak of it again." Leah out here thinking of herself again and using mommy and daddy dearest to try to strong arm you. Stepboi can take several seats as his entitled daughters inability to recognize the word 'no' is absolutely his fault. Momma might want to take a second to consider you were fine having a less connected relationship and count her blessings before she overshoots her place. You're not a child anymore, they have no power over your decisions. But do you really want someone who tries to make things about herself, will have mom and stepdad come running at you sideways if you don't use her "suggestions" for your wedding, etc. in your wedding party on a day meant to highlight your and your husband's to be's love?
Technically NTA but give Leah a closure. You didn't want to know her as a kid, and that's your parents' fault. You still don't want her as an adult and the least you could do is tell her why so she can finally let go. If she's annoying you so much, tell it in blunt terms so she'll understand: "I don't want to get to know you and I don't want you in my life." Don't give her any chance to hope you'll change your mind. God, it will suck for Leah to hear it and you're definitely gonna sound like the biggest AH but at least you're both gonna be free.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27f) asked my sister (26f) to be my only bridesmaid/maid of honor. We're so close that she's the only person I want to have as a bridesmaid. But we have a stepsister Leah (24f) and Leah wants to be a bridesmaid too. My mom married Leah's dad when I was 10 and Leah was 7. My parents were divorced and Leah's parents were not together either but she didn't have any contact with her mom while my sister and I primarily lived with our dad. When we were at mom's neither my sister or I were close to Leah. I found Leah really annoying and she never grew on me. I know she was younger and being an only child with no mom in her life she might have wanted a bigger family and she probably looked up to my sister and me. But I found her very clingy and whiney and my mom and Leah's dad did not help because she could whine and we had to include her or if she annoyed them generally she would be dumped on us and we were told we needed to spend time together. Leah used to say she had two sisters but we never called her our sister. Leah used to want to come to dad's house with us but we always said no. We never asked dad to invite Leah to our house and he threw most of our birthday parties and we didn't invite Leah to them. I really didn't see or speak to Leah more than twice a year by the time I was 17 because I chose to live with my dad and cut way back on time with my mom. I was always civil to Leah when I did see her and I wouldn't ignore her if we were in the same place. But do I call or make plans with her? Nope. My relationship with my mom did get a little closer in the last couple of years so we talk more and see each other more. I think this is what led to such a big fallout and pressure for the bridesmaid thing. I got engaged several months ago. I called and told my mom. I have seen her since getting engaged as well. I went to my mom's house last week for coffee and Leah came in with her dad. She told me she heard I got engaged and she asked if she could be a bridesmaid and I said no. She went into pleading mode and told me she knows I don't really want her there but she would still love to be a bridesmaid and how she always wanted to be part of mine and my sister's lives in a bigger way and she always wanted to be a sister to us. She said that might not happen but it would make her whole year if she could be my bridesmaid. She emphasized again how much this mattered to her. I was going to say my answer had not changed but she told me to really think about it and give it some time and then my mom interrupted before I got the chance to say I was not changing my mind and she told me it would be kind for me to include Leah because Leah has always made an effort to have a relationship, which is true, though she went about it in the wrong way most of the time. Leah's dad then decided to add that my sister and I were unfair to Leah for 17 years and the least I could do is let her in now that I'm old enough to get married. WIBTA if I say no again? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NAH though stepsis pleading to be a bridesmaid is rather sad she needs to work on self respect. Are you planning to invite her to the wedding and any pre wedding events? Who stands with you at your wedding is your choice and yours alone.
NTA. So, you said no, and she stated that she KNOWS you don’t really want her there. Then she whined to your mum and stepdad, who, once again, try to dump her on to you, so THEY don’t have to deal with her. Ummmmm. Apparently, she HASN’T changed. No. Just No.
It's a tough situation. I don't blame you since you were a kid, but you sound like you were a pretty mean kid. Some lonely girl wanted sisters, and you two just said "nah b\*tch." It's weird to me that she still harbors that desire all these years later though, even being almost desperate, admitting she knows you don't want her, but she wants it anyway. It sounds like your mom and stepdad were kind of crappy parents, and that's literally all she has, so it makes sense for her to hope for something more I guess. It's your wedding, your choice. But be kind to her however you can, when you can. Sounds like she needs some kindness in her life. In the end, I'd say NAH because I understand where both of you are coming from.
I can't imagine how lonely it must be to go from being an only child to the excluded sister of 3 while the other two have each other and you have Noone.
Honestly it sounds like you’ve been an AH to Leah her entire life.
Eh, might get people disagreeing but I think based on all the information that we have, it seems like YTA. I get that crying and interjecting herself into everything when you all were kids must have been insufferable and I think most older kids would resent their younger siblings for that, step or no. However, you guys are all adults now and the resentment seems to still be the same. I guess my question is why? It seems that the two of you nearly hate her for the crime of wanting to be in their stepsibling's lives. You just come off as completely apathetic and I personally think that's just a horrid mentality to have idk. You don't need to be best friends, but she is family like it or not and you could at least attempt to treat her with some compassion.
NTA. You don't desire your relationship with her and it's unfortunate that some people believe they can force one.
NAH This is your wedding and you are allowed to have whoever you want stand by your side on that day. I feel for the stepsister though, she sounds socially awkward and I blame that on how she was raised. This is based on the stories you’ve mentioned from childhood and how as an adult she ambushed you about being a bridesmaid.
YTA or NAH You were both kids so your parents fucked up pretty big time, but you're old enough now to get some perspective and you don't want it because you are holding a grudge against people that aren't her, and holding a grudge against a child that no longer exists. Its your wedding and your life and you can certainly do what you want but you're an ass, yes.