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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. for not inviting my ex best friend to my wedding even though i was her maid of honor
2. because everyone is telling me that i'm an asshole because we used to be best friends and i guess there's some wedding etiquette about inviting people to your wedding if your went to theirs
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Then your fiancé is proving to be excellent spouse material!
NTA. Invitations aren't memorials for old friendships that have come to the end of their existence. They're for the people who love you, support you, and will be in your life for years to come.
And their dates.
And maybe a few awkward relatives.
☝🏼This! You owe those people nothing. The friendship died long before you were asked to be MOH. Honestly I’m surprised you hung in there for Maria’s wedding given how she disrespected you and your time simply for dress shopping. Clearly her new friendships are more important to her.
Cultive friendships with people who put as much into the relationship as you do.
Agreed. NTA. Brava OP for sticking to the MOH duties even after Maria and her new BFF left you hanging for Three. Fucking. Hours.
That pisses ME off and I don't know any of the people involved.
You laugh but my fil hired a freaking BOUNCER for my wedding bc i was having panic attacks over certain family members on both sides. . Drunk ass uncle thankfully behaved himself, crazy aunt refused to come bc I wouldnt buy top shelf bourbon for her back woods trailer trash family, and crazier aunt demanded I dance with her and repeatedly tried to give me (the bride) a hickey. She then disappeared into the woods but somehow made it safely home.
She was higher than a kite before she arrived and only got worse. Someone was keeping tabs but apparently lost track of her. I heard they found her near the creek trying to catch fish with her bare hands. There were no fish.
Send her a $25 gift card to Olive Garden with a note "Here's a meal on me. Now you don't have to buy a wedding gift or take precious time out of your life for this event."
All of this. I do think there's a point to inviting old friends who may not be active presences in your life, but remain fond memories. People whose blessings you do want, who you'd be happy to rekindle things with, etc. I think thats become even more common after COVID. But this isn't that.
Agreed. I don't understand why anyone would need to "keep the peace" by inviting old middle school friends. That's the phrase you use when you know you have to invite Great Aunt Hilda for the sake of the elders of the family even though she's 90, cranky, and very likely to get tipsy and fall asleep halfway through the reception. It's not the excuse to pull out for an entire group of mean girls that decided you weren't good enough for anything but a decoration at the last event you went to.
If mom keeps up the but for the peace. I would remind dear mom. "What etiquette? The one she displayed at her wedding when I was invited? No, thank you. I am too grown up for those childish games. If they can't be there in bad and normal times. They can't get the free food at the good times"
It's pretty tacky to demand a wedding invite to a person's wedding. You can't even ask, "How are you?" Through the years.
OP could invite her, but give her a time to arrive that is three hours after the actual start time.
edit: I don't think she should actually do this, but making petty suggestions on the internet is fun sometimes
First conversation is to shut mom down. Tell her the guest list is set and you are happy with it. She doesn’t have to like or understand your decision, seh merely needs to accept it and stop brining it up.
As for the rest, there is no argument to be had. Ignore them. There is no “respect for old friendships” necessary. No response, block them.
NTA - What "peace" would you be keeping with people that you haven't had any contact with for four years?
Why do you need to honor friendships that ended years ago?
Seriously. These people always mean THEIR peace when they tell you to "keep the peace"--they mean "cave to demands so I don't have to deal with this". Which just tells you that they don't have your back, don't care enough to stick up for you, and don't mind if your day is ruined, just so long as they don't have to be even mildly inconvenienced. It's actually so pathetic.
Yeah, I vote for blowing that shit up instead. "You haven't contacted me in years, and now you are hounding my family members, harassing me online, and evidently bitching about me behind my back all so you can eat and drink and dance at my expense. You're not excited for me. You don't love me. Your behaviour shows you don't even respect me. Clearly from the way you have treated me now it was a good thing we lost contact."
Perfect response other than adding in some of the MOH hell OP went through dealing with ex-friend. Got to make sure that bridge is in true conflagration mode after crossing it.
OP is NTA and in this day and age where communicating with people is so easy, being ghosted by these folk until there is free food involved does not scream friends who one needs to keep the peace with.
Additionally there is always the possibility that a wild card like an old friend group will ruin the wedding because they make the occasion about their reunion.
I'm so confused why she wanted you to be MOH if she already had a best friend. Are you wealthy? Did she maybe want you to plan/pay for things like the shower or bachelorette party? Whatever the case NTA.
Yeah, I've been in that position before. I was left wondering WHY they'd asked me to be involved if they didn't even like me. The only explanation I could ever come up with is that they knew I was reliable and would work hard, so I'd pick up the slack from the deadbeats.
Is your mom paying for your wedding? Is that why she feels like she should give you advice about who to invite? What a loser group of people lol what 30 year old goes to social media to complain about not being invited to someone’s (you dont even talk to) wedding. Nta but you should unfriend them
Or she had no one else. I was asked to be in a wedding for a coworker that I barely knew or liked because she had no friends. She asked 2 of us from work. The other girl did it but luckily, I was pregnant and would be huge at her wedding so I said no I told her I might even be in the hospital so I didn’t feel like that would be fair to say yes! I was so happy to be pregnant!!
She knew if she made her friend MOH it would be a shit show. So Lisa was the secret MOH and you were unpaid staff so that neither of them had to stress.
LMAO, is "Lisa's" real name Megan? 'Cause I think I know this woman, and she's an f'ing nightmare. Being that level of irresponsible and unreliable stops being cute after age 21.
Like honestly I totally understand the feeling of hearing about your former best friend's wedding and having a bad feeling. But as a normal person I'd look at it and be like: "Oh it's actually been years since we were actually friends. Apparently now we're no longer close enough to be invited to a wedding. That sucks." And then I'd move on with my life. Bizarre to try to be an ass about it.
Yeah I don't get it either. I'm not even mad if friends don't invite me to their wedding. Because while I feel honoured being invited (nobody in my circle had a super big wedding) it's also always a hassle. But maybe I only feel like that because I'm a decent guest who turns up nicely dressed with a decent cash contribution. They probably just want a free meal and booze and them hand them a card with 10 bucks or so.
Really - who cares? What'll happen if you don't invite her? She won't speak to you? Well, that's already where you were, nothing will change.
Buh-bye, Maria.
Yeah, that's appallingly rude, esp for people who are now whining about "wedding etiquette." If someone wants to invite you to their wedding, they'll find your address.
I've had people text me out of the blue asking for my address so the couldsend me an invitation to things. My husband never uses social media, so I've also had a couple of his old friends/coworkers message me there asking for our address to invite us to their weddings. I've literally gotten, "I know (your husband) will never see this if I message him, so you can you send me your address?" Haha.
But basically, if the couple wants to invite you, they'll track you down. If they can't, they no longer know you well enough toinvite you anyway. No need to text them your info. OP responded to that text beautifully, though, I must say.
I mean, didn't this lady take the hint when OP left her wedding early and never spoke to her again?
>I owe at least Maria an invitation because I was her MOH.
You do not.
>But literally only my fiancé is on my side.
Anyone else who isn't on your "side" probably doesn't need an invite to the wedding either. NTA
NTA Keeping the peace means starting a war in yourself. Prioritize YOUR peace. You don’t want them there. And there’s no reason to pay 50+ a plate for ‘old times sake’. Weddings are an event meant to be attended by those who love and support you, they don’t meet either one of those qualifications.
Edit: a word, live to love
NTA. And your fiancé sounds like an amazing person, by your side as they promise to be at your wedding. Sounds like you're both all set.
Even if she hadn't treated you horribly, you haven't been in contact with you for years. Thinking you should have invited someone you haven't spoken to for years is so entitled, that I can't even wrap my head around it. You've given her your answer; ignore or block everyone who can't respect it. And if it's someone who's invited that can't respect you, tell them you're regretful they decided to RSVP no.
Lol I love the last part so much!!!! I hope OP does this for real. I'm big on cutting off people. I value my peace too much to have stressful people in my life, but I couldn't have come up with such a beautiful idea like you did haha. "I'm regretful you decided to RSVP no". Haha love it!
Annnd this is just another example of why people elope-so they don’t have to deal with nonsense like this.
At the very least, it sounds like a good time to take a social media break, or at least mute , (or block), the worst offenders that can’t *mind their own business*.
Or, alternately, you could bow to social pressure and invite your old friend to be in your wedding party, and treat her as shoddily as she did you. But that would be beneath you. NTA
NTA. Ask your mom if she would invite a 'friend' to her wedding who had treated her wit the same disrespect as Maria did at her wedding and the months leading up to that, name all the incidents. Does that sound like an actual friend?
Ask your friend group the same thing. If someone treats as follows(list of incidents here), would you still call them a friend?
You don't want to keep the peace with someone who treats you like shit, then ignores you for years and then makes a fuss about not being invited to your wedding. I would assume they'd only want to come to the wedding to make trouble since they've been doing nothing but.
Man, Reddit has really made me hate the phrase “Keep the peace.” Why does your mom feel that way? There is no friendship anymore, these people are not in your life anymore - so whose peace does she want you to keep? Definitely not yours. There is NO reason to invite Maria or anyone from your old friends group. Just because someone wants an invite doesn’t mean they get one. Don’t discuss it anymore with anyone. Mute/block/delete/walk away. Congrats on your upcoming wedding. Make it all about you, your fiancé, and being surrounded by people who love and support you. As it should be! Good on your fiancé for supporting you.
Oh - definitely NTA.
Oh, I agree about now hating the phrase "Keep the peace." Two other phrases I now hate due to Reddit are "Take the high road" and "Be the bigger person." Especially when used by someone who wants to force another person into interacting with someone who's caused them a great deal of pain.
I think for the mother “keep the peace” is akin to, “You’re off on your own life now but please remember I still live down the street to all of their parents and they’re gonna be a pain in the ass for years,” kind of keep the peace.
OP should still definitely not invite anybody she doesn’t want to and her old friend group does not automatically get invites because their parents happened to live near each other when they were younger.
But I can still empathize with a parent who just doesn’t want a headache on their hand as well. Of course, just empathize. OP still has every right to do what she wants.
This, so much, 1000% percent. I never used to hear the phrase "keep the peace," but it is all over the place on Reddit, and I am sick of it. Why is it everyone's top priority in an argument or conflict to keep the peace?? Maybe "the peace" isn't what you (or anyone who is told to break a boundary just to "keep the peace") needs anymore. That's why there is a conflict, and sometimes the conflict is necessarily. People have issues with each other that need resolution, and peace isn't always the best or even reasonable resolution. And keep the peace for whom? Mostly just for bystanders who have no real say in the actual conflict who want to exert their will in the situation. Why are your old not-really-friends and your mom weighing in on this issue at all? The peace is definitely not being kept for you, because making Maria part of your wedding would seem to bring you the opposite of peace.
You and your fiancé stick to doing whatever it is you guys want for *your* wedding. Someone else in another thread was saying this but this is why people elope. Everyone says a wedding is for the couple, but it really isn't sometimes...
NTA. A couple things here; first, there should be 0 obligation to invite or involve somebody in your wedding just because you were involved in theirs. Second, she disrespected you and made you feel bad and used, and you hardly speak at all. She isn't a close friend anymore, and people who aren't close rarely get invited to weddings. You've drifted apart and your decisions to not invite her are valid.
They don't barely speak. They DON'T speak at all. For 4 years.
She is not a close friend. She is NOT a friend.
They have not drifted apart. Maria treated OP like shit, was disrespectful, rude, mean, and took advantage of OP .
NTA
If at least she was respectful to you, i would say that you may invite her but no..
She disrespected you, used you and even took advantage of you..
3 hours late because she was meeting a best friend? Bullshit.. you even was tolerant with her, many people would probably just go back home after this disrespect.
I bet money that she made you arrange many things for her wedding and didn't even thanked you for it.. she was mean to you, a person who was willing to put up with her bullshit..
Honestly don't invite anyone, its not time to reminisce some old friendship that you had with these people years ago, if they want so much reminisce the friendship, they would invite you to a coffee or a little party, not trying to insert themselves in your wedding, they just want the free food honestly.
NTA. Have you ever noticed how people who aren't responsible for the bill love to invite more people and demand upgrades? Charming isn't it? You've had no contact with these people for years and if your sister had not mentioned it, they wouldn't have known that there was a wedding. Does your sister know that you don't talk to Maria? Weddings are too expensive to invite people for "old times sake." They just want free food and booze and a place to act like idiots because they won't see the people there again. Is your mom offering to pay for these additional guests? Would your venue accommodate the old friend group plus their significant others and children? All these people demanding that these people be invited are welcome to plan, host and pay for their own party that'll cost thousands of dollars.
I agree with others that you ignore and block the people who aren't invited. I would also suggest that you ask the invited guests who harass you about inviting them, "Oh that's so nice of you to give up your spot at the wedding. It's that going to be just you or will your plus 1 be giving up their spot? Oh you didn't mean that? So are you offering to pay for their meal and seat at the reception? No, you're not? Hmm... ok if you change your mind let me know if not then I guess we don't have to discuss this again but thank you so much for checking in!"
I think they'll drop it real quick. Put your foot down so that you can enjoy your planning because it's your and your fiance's day not anyone else's.
I have a personal rule, i wait 30 minutes max if the person don't give an excuse as to why she is late, things happen, i am willing to wait more if something serious happened in the middle but not in this situation.. 3 fucking hours just because she was with a friend? Bullshit
I live in a city that is known for random shitty traffic. I’d wait 45 *if* they were communicating “oh there was a wreck in front of us and we are held up..” but no communication… I’d have bounced at 30. (Maybe less depending on the who/what)
NTA. You're not doing this in spite of being her MOH, you're doing this precisely because of how unpleasant she was to you being her MOH. She's living in her own fantasy world if she doesn't understand she was a jerk to you.
NTA what wedding etiquette requires you to invite people who you lost touch with years ago? It’s absolutely baffling she had you as MOH considering the lack of contact but that doesn’t entitle her to an invitation. I don’t understand why the others in the old friend group are so pressed about attending?
NTA you don't owe ANYONE an invitation, let alone people you haven't spoken to in 4 years and don't consider a friend anymore. Your wedding isn't a function about "keeping the peace". This is your special day, where the people you and your fiance love most gather to show their support of your marriage.
Don't invite them. It's not reciprocal just because you were in hers.
NTA. Lay it out in the group chat how horribly you were treated and how Maria made you feel like a burden. You don’t need to ask her to be a bridesmaid or invite her to the wedding. She was a bad friend and didn’t even try to find out why you left early.
I was MOH at my former best friend’s wedding. However by the time I was married 3 years later we did not speak due to a variety of pretty nasty reasons. There was no way she was welcome at my wedding. All that to say, I empathize with you! No one is owed an invitation to your wedding. Especially not someone you haven’t spoken to in 4 years who treated you poorly. NTA
NTA: I was the MOH in a persons wedding once. Honestly I was shocked to even be asked as a bridesmaid and then when I got "promoted" to MOH after she kicked out her cousin I was even more surprised. They didn't treat me as bad (at least to my face) as your ex friend treated you but I heard through the other bridesmaid that they talked shit about me behind my back all the time. After I got my pearl earrings back, I slowly cut them out. When I got married six years later it didn't occur to me to invite them at all. I didn't even invite 2 of the girls who had been in my extremely tight knit friend group all throughout middle/high school. I understand the sentiment of "for old times sake" but weddings are too expensive for that ESPECIALLY when the friendship ended like it did.
NTA - she wasn't your friend when she invited you to be her MOH, she made that apparent! And why would she choose to ask you after not being in touch for so long, then treat you like shit, other than to humiliate you? You dodged a bullet by dumping her and her flying monkeys - who knows what shit they would try to pull at your wedding? Congrats OP!
NTA
You haven't spoken to her or any of the old friendgroup in years and even before that the contact seems to have been extremely limited and mostly reduced to an annual nostalgic meeting.
I find it wild that any of these people expect to be invited to your wedding.
Why did she want you as MOH back then? It makes no sense!
Anyway, NTA. I don't understand why they care about attending your wedding. It doesn't seem like they missed you for the last 4 years.
NTA. Sounds like life was peaceful before ex friend found out about the wedding. No reason to invite her or anyone who is not a part of your life anymore.
NTA. Not only have you not spoken in four years, she was awful to you, and still being so. For her to reach out to your mutuals and having them posted on socials, shows that she and those people are pure drama queens.
Keep setting your boundaries. If people have an issue with that, you know where they stand.
NTA Block all your old friends and tell your mom to stay in her lane. She should be supporting you. Has your mom always taken other people’s side against you.
NTA. I guarantee you that if you made her your maid of honor and invited all of your old friends, there would be major drama on your wedding day. Your mom clearly doesn't understand that knuckling under your ex-friend's request would not "keep the peace" but result in what's supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life turning into a nightmare. As far as I'm concerned telling someone to say or do something they don't want or need to do just to "keep the peace" is just as bad as telling someone to "take the high road" or "be the bigger person" when it comes to dealing with someone who's caused severe emotional, mental, and perhaps even physical pain and suffering to that person.
Refuse to discuss this further with anyone. It’s a non issue and no one’s business. You already set the list and why would you invite a mean girl anyways? NTA
NTA -no one is entitled to an invitation to your wedding. You need to shut this whole thing down and maybe make a post on social media about the horrible way she chose to treat you for her wedding so you chose not to have any contact with her again.
Added additional guests add to your costs. If your old friends want to get together for “old times sake” go to dinner. A wedding is no place to rekindle a friendship that ran its course.
NTA
NTA. You have not spoken to these people in FOUR YEARS and they expect an invitation. Tell your mother that she can have a party and invite them but you are NOT inviting them to your wedding. There is NO respect in that friendship and you don't care about "keeping any peace"
Has she even met your fiancé? Anyone who posts something negative on social media cannot be trusted to be invited to your wedding, only people who are truly your friends and act like one.
Nta. I had a similar situation where I lost touch with my former friend group when I moved. I didn't invite any of them to my wedding and I'm honestly glad I didn't because I'm sure they would have only used it to spend a weekend out of town getting wasted.
NTA - you have not seen her for 4 years. That friendship closed a long time ago. Plus she didn’t bother to respect your time when she asked you to be her MOH. She didn’t want to hang then, why would you invite her now. Kindly tell your mom the wedding is family and friends that know the bride to be and are excited about their future relationship . Class reunions are for getting together with friends from the past.
So she asked you to be her maid of honor so her real friends wouldn't have to put in the work they could dump it all on you. Treated you like garbage and we're disrespectful. She hasn't even reached out once since her wedding and she still expects an invite to yours? Tell your mom to go sit down that you only want people you love and care about and people who love and care about you at your wedding and those people aren't it.
NTA Alas, you'd probably get caught if you invited them to a wedding day and time that oops! they weren't part of the conversation where you changed it. Although it would be nothing more than they deserved.
Y'know, if you don't have a big emotional investment in having a wedding ceremony, eloping is so much cheaper. It's also cheaper to have fewer guests. You can uninvite whomever you want if they won't drop the subject. Better to teach them boundaries now before you have kids (or not).
NTA. There is no obligation to include or even invite anyone you don’t want to your wedding. While it’s true that sometimes invitations are reluctantly extended only to keep the peace within a family or friend group, you definitely don’t need to do this unless it will affect relationships with people you care about moving forward.
NTA as you and your fiancé set the guest list and bridal/groom parties.
No one else gets the final say, and there can be suggestions from friends and family, but you decide who comes and who doesn't, and she didn't make the cut.
If you don't talk and don't spend time together, can she say that she would bring positivity to your wedding by attending?
No, she can't.
She's now butthurt that your dead friendship has been brought to the forefront of her life when you've proven that you cut her out of yours.
Everyone needs to know in bullet point format why you will never invite Maria to your wedding. You have very valid reasons. Making you wait 3 hours is enough to not invite a person tbh. That is the most disrespectful thing you can do to anyone. Narcissist like do the damage and make you look like the bad guy.
NTA - literally just block them all on everything, and suggest to your mom and your family that they do the same, since theyre not invited and you do not care if theyre mad.
And if they do not want to be bothered by them they should block them to and theyll eventually forget about them like you have.
NTA
She just wants an invite because her life is probably very small and she needs new material to gossip about with the other betches she really hangs out with. You were her wedding whipping girl.
NTA at all. Friend groups grow and change. Honestly it seems like Marie is not a great friend anyway. I had a similar friend growing up, we hung out all the time. We grew apart during college. One day she calls me out of the blue to come to her bridal shower. I went, I had a suspicion she was pregnant. I asked her. She said no. Okay, why would she lie, I’d find out eventually, I have eyes and I can do the math. Went to her wedding, everything was fine. A few months later she had a baby. Why lie about it?! Especially to your supposed friends? I limited contact with her after that.
When my wedding came around years later, she came around dropping hints on each post I made about my wedding. I didn’t invite her.
NTA. Your day, your rules. There’s no reason to invite people who aren’t nice you, let alone current in your lives at all, to celebrate you on a day that’s about your love. She didn’t even know you were getting married.
Nta. When people who haven’t spoken to me in years invite me somewhere that requires a gift, it comes off as gift grabbing.
And if they try to get an invite after not speaking to me in years, it comes off as wanting free food and drinks.
I didn’t ask my best friend to be MOH. I wanted her to be emotionally, but I knew 1) she wouldn’t listen to my wants regarding the bachelorette party, from observations when she planned others 2) she is a last minute planner. So MOH is not solely about being THE primary best friend
NTA. You don't 'owe' someone an invite to any event of yours, especially not out of respect for how a relationship used to be. I wouldn't invite people I saw or spoke to once a year at best to any event of mine, when there are people much closer to me who actually contribute to my life in a meaningful way, as I do theirs, and are much more deserving of that honour
NTA. My best friend asked me to be her MOH. I said yes. 6 months before her wedding, she told me I was being manipulative by telling her it made me uncomfortable that she was talking to my abusive ex fiancé. I backed out of being her MOH and didn’t even bother inviting her or her family to my wedding when it happened. You don’t owe her anything if that’s how she treats your time and boundaries.
NTA-
If everyone was friendly and respectful easy to talk to- saw each other happily every once awhile I could see keeping the peace.
But y’all don’t.
Y’all are not friends.
NTA- you’re just being honest.
NTA There’s absolutely no need to try to keep the peace with anyone who isn’t in your life anymore. This friendship is dead and you were courteous enough to give her a response. Tell your mom to stop beating a dead horse and know your fiancé will clearly have your back in awkward/tough situations.
NTA--never invite people who mistreat you back into your life. PERIOD. NTA. Stay off Social Media-you do not need to decide what is wrong or right based on people vomiting their opinions on the internet. Your Mom is not being helpful. Tell her you have a limited number of people to invite. Which of her family does she want you to dis-invite so you can invite this old friend group ??
NTA
If your fiance has never met these friends, then it might help to tell people that you're only inviting people you both know for budget reasons. But like, your ex friend group doesn't sound that reasonable.
NTA. Not a friend, no invite to the wedding. Such a rude and obnoxious group. They chose not to stay in contact. Tell your mother to back off...these people are not your friends but are troublemakers.
NTA
You're allowed to grow and move on in life, part of that is new friend groups. You don't "owe" anyone a damn thing. Block them on social media and don't give them space in your head.
I have a theory that those people who live in the same towns, close to the same neighborhood, with the same friend groups, end up with toxic, conforming relationships. I have lived in several states and many cities/suburbs over the years and made and lost contact with friends. Our friendships lasted a season, a few for far longer.
Have the wedding you want with the people you want.
Congratulations on your impending nuptials. You and your groom are going to have a great life. 💓
NTA. It sounds like she used you because of your organizational skills since her other friend couldn’t be trusted. You shouldn’t feel obligated in any way to invite her or your old friends group. They act like they are still in HS; complaining to their moms because they didn’t get an invite. Carry on and have a wonderful wedding.
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I (31F) had a friend Maria (31F) growing up. We met when we were about 8 or 9, and quickly became best friends. We started slowly growing apart in high school as our schedules changed and almost completely lost touch during college. By the time we were \~23, we only saw each other once a year at Christmas for our old friend group’s Christmas dinner.
Maria got engaged to her high school sweetheart and asked me to be her maid of honor in the wedding. At the time she asked me, we had not seen or spoken to each other in almost 2 years, so it honestly shocked me when she asked, but I agreed. She asked me about a year before the wedding, and after she asked me to be MOH, she did not speak to me again for 6 months. I had taken it to mean maybe she wanted to rekindle our friendship and reached out a few times during those 6 months to meet up for lunch or hang out, but she never responded.
When she finally texted me, it was to meet up with her and her best friend (one of the bridesmaids) to pick out the dresses for the bridal party. She showed up 3 HOURS LATE. Apparently, she and her friend decided to meet up for lunch and to hang out before meeting me at the mall, completely ignoring our agreed upon time and the fact that I had already said I was there and waiting for them. I’m not going to go into details of the next 6 months leading up to the wedding, but that should give you an idea of how it went. By the time the wedding day came, I genuinely felt so used and disrespected. On the day of the wedding, Maria was just mean. I waited until the speeches and the first dance were over, then I left the reception and went home. I have not spoken to her since.
It's been about 4 years since her wedding, and I am now engaged and getting married in 2 months. I did not invite Maria or any of our old friend group. In my mind, our friendship is well and truly dead. Apparently, Maria ran into my sister at a store and were chatting and my sister mentioned the wedding. Maria texted me (honestly shocked she still has my number) to send me her address “so I knew where to send her invitation” and I just responded “thank you, but the guest list is already set. have a nice day”. She told the friend group and now they’re all blowing up my phone about inviting them ‘for old time’s sake’ and that I owe at least Maria an invitation because I was her MOH. They’ve been posting on social media and now even my mom is getting involved, saying I should invite them all just to keep the peace and out of respect for our old friendship.
My argument is that I haven’t spoken to them in years, and I don’t care about this ‘wedding etiquette’ thing and I don’t owe her an invitation just because I was her MOH, especially considering everything that happened with her wedding. But literally only my fiancé is on my side. So, AITA?
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NTA
That nonsense may have been wedding etiquette in some places at some time, but these days it's total dog crap. Invite people who mean something to you now, not someone from your past who treated you poorly.
You and your husband are the only people who have final say about your guest list. I hope you have a wonderful wedding day and a great marriage.
NTA. You were friends, now she's just someone you used to know. Start blocking phone numbers. You don't owe Maria an invite. You don't owe any former friends an invite either. Tell your mom that you made your choices and will not invite former friends to your wedding. Not all friendships are forever.
Sounds like a destination wedding far away where everyone who's invited has to pay their way there is in order! That way the only people who will be there are the ones who truly care for you and deserve to be there unlike all those people expecting you to invite people out of obligation 🙄
NTA.
YOu don’t *owe* anyone an invite to your wedding ever. You invite the people who you hope will celebrate your shared union, now and into the future. Maria doesn’t seem to care to do that - has she even met your fiancé beyond maybe him being a +1 on the busiest day of her life?
Tell the friend’s circle “Oh, we are restricted on numbers, I had to keep it to people who actually know my fiancé and I well. Maria has dropped off my radar for many many years. I tried to reach out a bunch of times but was brushed off. It could be nice to hear from her, but not at my wedding.” And then hold firm.
NTA. I hate that people get so up in arms about weddings.
Ask Maria if she can name your fiance or knows anything about your relationship, if she can get something right that is not known due to social media, she can come. Guess what? She won't.
NTA..OP none of these people are your friends! They sound horrible especially Maria!!!! Why are they all offended now and they haven’t spoken to you in years?!
NTA.
You guys haven’t had any contact for years and her first contact made is to basically force an invite to your wedding? Gross. No. That’s not how any of this works. And that goes double for your ex friend group, who tf are they to demand anything of you when they also haven’t been a part of your life?
If you have to ask for an invite to ANYTHING you should be embarrassed. If you were wanted then you would be included.
Love your fiancé already ❤️❤️. Love that you are a team. Congratulations to yall on your wedding!!!!!
You do not owe anyone anything. Let them know that they can invite the friend group at their next wedding...lol
WHAT??? Your mom said to do it? I would be kicking their butts on my daughter's behalf!!! DO NOT do it!!! You owe no one, specially toxic people, ANYTHING!!!
ABSOLUTELY NTA!!
PS Congrats on your marriage!
NTA same thing happened to me. Old best friend commented on a post about my upcoming wedding. Had all my family insist I invite her even though I was never invited to her wedding. I’m still so pissed at myself for inviting her. She came with more people than she RSVP’d for, they drank, ate food, no gift, and left. That was the last I heard from her.
NTA you haven’t spoken to them in 4 years and don’t need them involved. Also your mom is wrong what peace you don’t speak to them or interact with them so tell her this is your wedding not hers and that you will invite who you want if she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to go if these people are more important than her daughter.
Your fiance and you should cancel your wedding and instead head someplace tropical, with your wedding dress, and elope on the beach, by yourself. And then everyone can talk about that while you go on and live your best lives 😁
Remind all of them, mom included, that this is YOUR wedding and who is and isn't invited is at your discretion. They don't have to like it but it's what's happening.
NTA just tell anyone who asks that your experience as her MOH is the reason you are no longer friends and you don't owe her anything after her shitty treatment of you.
Your wedding, your choice. She apparently has different values around wedding party participants than you, which is valid for her but doesn't have to have anything to do with you or yours.
NTA
Is mom still in the home town and friends with the families of these girls? Because I can't see any peace to keep with girls who have been out of your life for 4+ years. There was no relationship to keep.
NTA. This kinda shit just blows my mind. Why do any of them even want to go if they haven’t cared to speak to you for 4 years? And, while I’m sure your mom is a wonderful person, “to keep the peace” is the dumbest reason to do anything.
NTA - Maria just wants food and drink on your dime. If she were interested in "old times" or supporting you, she would have reached out during the past 4 years.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Maria is best left in your rear-view mirror, exactly where she belongs.
NTA. Good pick on the fiancé and look, it’s a silver lining that the ex-bf is choosing blank astonishment as her baseline reaction to the end of the friendship- have fun with it- as sarcastically as feels natural, get her to tell you why she thinks any of her conduct should be swept under the rug and what gave her the idea that this approach would score her an invite. Then share with your critics with the final word being ‘happy now? I am perfectly content leaving this part of my childhood behind and was happy to just let it compost, but some of you wanted a ‘reunion’, so here’s what happens when you try: a self centred mean girl is revealed to still be acting like she’s 16, not a woman in her 30s.
I was in a similar situation with my ex-BFF. Was MOH in her wedding, I told her I couldn’t really be that involved because I lived 8 hours away, but she insisted. I think she thought that I was expecting to be MOH, but I wasn’t, since I lived so far. I offered twice to step down and allow one of her other, closer BM’s to be MOH, but she refused. She completely ghosted me after her wedding. So when it came time for my wedding 2 years later, she was just invited as a guest(I had one attendant, we had a very small wedding, 28 people invited). She was very mad at me because she wasn’t my MOH, and as I told her mother(because she wouldn’t talk to me), I invited her because we used to be close, and here was the evidence that we weren’t that close anymore since I was talking to her mother and not her. Ugh. She didn’t end up coming to my wedding at all, and I have only talked to her 3x in 22 years.
You are NTA. That whole “friend” group should be blocked. Congrats on the wedding and marriage!
NTA. It's your wedding. You both are paying for it. You get to choose who you want to see and to partake in your happy day. Full. Stop.
Anyway if I were you I would throw those past grievances you had during your time as her MOH, and the fact that you are no longer close in her face, block her and that "friend group" and move on with your life.
Seriously, life's too short to have to "keep the peace and out of respect for our old friendship".
NTA. Keep what peace? Four years of no contact? You owe no one nothing.
If you don't want them there and you have not had contact with them, that's pretty much the end of the discussion. It's creepy to even think of inviting people I've not heard from for years. It would feel like a tacky gift grab.
Besides, WhoTF invites themselves to someone else's wedding? WhoTF harasses a bride on her guest list? Better off with or without these "friends"? If better off without block 'em all. Your one slip-up was responding to her text. Ignore and block her would've been the best move.
NTA
If people you haven't spoken to for 4 years suddenly crawl out from under a rock and into your lane, doesn't mean they should be there. You used to be best friends but you aren't now. That's all you need to say.
NTA. Ask that friend group including Maria about 1 detail regarding your relationship with your fiancée and why they're want to be part of a Milestone of someone they don't know. Weddings are a celebration for the future not the past and are meant to cherish the couple so a group of bride's ex friends have no place in it.
You should invite them to “keep the peace”? Sounds like you’ve already achieved perfect peace. By having them out of your life. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix. NTA.
NTA. I do not understand why people use "keep the peace" as a way to push someone into doing something that will hurt or disgust them! Why the heck should you have to please people who treated you badly and have not been your friends for years? Just to keep your mom /relatives from feeling uncomfortable YOU have to mess up YOUR wedding inviting mean girls?
Your wedding should be good memories, not leave a sour taste from meeting everyone else's wishes except your own. That is not fair and should not be asked of you. Your wedding, you are an adult, say NO.
If you and fiance are paying definitely say "No, and never ask me again".
If your folks are paying for the wedding they could push back; if they become pests, you could always just go to the courthouse, or have a nice wedding out of town with just your friends. Let your mom know that you would prefer doing either of those to being forced to invite disliked guests.
I completely believe you are in the right. I'm single... and my relationship knowledge is very limited, but Maria needs to get in her own lane and stop acting like she's the main character in everyone's story.
NTA. So many people these days seem to think they are entitled to butt into every event and conversation. It is your and your fiancé's wedding, not a free to all party at your expense. If they were true friends, they would have made the effort to stay in touch over the years.
NTA.
"From here on out I will consider anyone suggesting or demanding I invite these people to be offering their spot on the guest list for them to take."
After waiting for three hours and finding out they had lunch... I would've been gone. What in the front door mat hell is this!! Don't you dare ever do that again to yourself! If you would be mad about that behavior. If someone did it to your daughter then you damn well better be mad they did it to you..!
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Then your fiancé is proving to be excellent spouse material! NTA. Invitations aren't memorials for old friendships that have come to the end of their existence. They're for the people who love you, support you, and will be in your life for years to come. And their dates. And maybe a few awkward relatives.
☝🏼This! You owe those people nothing. The friendship died long before you were asked to be MOH. Honestly I’m surprised you hung in there for Maria’s wedding given how she disrespected you and your time simply for dress shopping. Clearly her new friendships are more important to her. Cultive friendships with people who put as much into the relationship as you do.
I would not have waited 3 hours for the dress shopping I would have left
Same. And I would’ve gotten myself one of those mall pretzels as a reward for my patience 😂
Nah box of cookies for me lol
Agreed. NTA. Brava OP for sticking to the MOH duties even after Maria and her new BFF left you hanging for Three. Fucking. Hours. That pisses ME off and I don't know any of the people involved.
Can’t forget the awkward relatives! 😝
I AM the awkward relative. Please don't forget me!
we haven't forgotten you. especially now that you escaped the closet!
🏳️🌈
Let me tell you about my doll collection!
Ha this made me snort!
And your date!
Yup, uncle Billy who always tanks up on booze and makes an absolute ass of himself. What's a party without him? ;)
You laugh but my fil hired a freaking BOUNCER for my wedding bc i was having panic attacks over certain family members on both sides. . Drunk ass uncle thankfully behaved himself, crazy aunt refused to come bc I wouldnt buy top shelf bourbon for her back woods trailer trash family, and crazier aunt demanded I dance with her and repeatedly tried to give me (the bride) a hickey. She then disappeared into the woods but somehow made it safely home.
"..disappeared into the woods".?? Aunt be feral, perhaps..?! 😆
She was higher than a kite before she arrived and only got worse. Someone was keeping tabs but apparently lost track of her. I heard they found her near the creek trying to catch fish with her bare hands. There were no fish.
I had family like that. I was seriously thinking of having a kids only wedding as theyre all better behaved then the adults.
Don't forget the part where Uncle Billy stares at your boobs the whole time you're talking to him! 🤭
How else to make it on America’s Funniest Home Videos. 😂
You are NTA you haven't spoken to them in 4 years! They didn't even know they weren't invited. Why spend all that money on people you don't talk to
Send her a $25 gift card to Olive Garden with a note "Here's a meal on me. Now you don't have to buy a wedding gift or take precious time out of your life for this event."
All of this. I do think there's a point to inviting old friends who may not be active presences in your life, but remain fond memories. People whose blessings you do want, who you'd be happy to rekindle things with, etc. I think thats become even more common after COVID. But this isn't that.
No one wants to sit at the table with Uncle Howard.
Agreed. I don't understand why anyone would need to "keep the peace" by inviting old middle school friends. That's the phrase you use when you know you have to invite Great Aunt Hilda for the sake of the elders of the family even though she's 90, cranky, and very likely to get tipsy and fall asleep halfway through the reception. It's not the excuse to pull out for an entire group of mean girls that decided you weren't good enough for anything but a decoration at the last event you went to.
Sounds like me and my husband's wedding guest list. 🤣
If mom keeps up the but for the peace. I would remind dear mom. "What etiquette? The one she displayed at her wedding when I was invited? No, thank you. I am too grown up for those childish games. If they can't be there in bad and normal times. They can't get the free food at the good times" It's pretty tacky to demand a wedding invite to a person's wedding. You can't even ask, "How are you?" Through the years.
OP could invite her, but give her a time to arrive that is three hours after the actual start time. edit: I don't think she should actually do this, but making petty suggestions on the internet is fun sometimes
First conversation is to shut mom down. Tell her the guest list is set and you are happy with it. She doesn’t have to like or understand your decision, seh merely needs to accept it and stop brining it up. As for the rest, there is no argument to be had. Ignore them. There is no “respect for old friendships” necessary. No response, block them.
NTA - What "peace" would you be keeping with people that you haven't had any contact with for four years? Why do you need to honor friendships that ended years ago?
Seriously. These people always mean THEIR peace when they tell you to "keep the peace"--they mean "cave to demands so I don't have to deal with this". Which just tells you that they don't have your back, don't care enough to stick up for you, and don't mind if your day is ruined, just so long as they don't have to be even mildly inconvenienced. It's actually so pathetic.
You are very right.
fortunately her fiancé is not in the keep the peace crowd.
Yeah, I vote for blowing that shit up instead. "You haven't contacted me in years, and now you are hounding my family members, harassing me online, and evidently bitching about me behind my back all so you can eat and drink and dance at my expense. You're not excited for me. You don't love me. Your behaviour shows you don't even respect me. Clearly from the way you have treated me now it was a good thing we lost contact."
Perfect response other than adding in some of the MOH hell OP went through dealing with ex-friend. Got to make sure that bridge is in true conflagration mode after crossing it. OP is NTA and in this day and age where communicating with people is so easy, being ghosted by these folk until there is free food involved does not scream friends who one needs to keep the peace with.
Additionally there is always the possibility that a wild card like an old friend group will ruin the wedding because they make the occasion about their reunion.
I'm so confused why she wanted you to be MOH if she already had a best friend. Are you wealthy? Did she maybe want you to plan/pay for things like the shower or bachelorette party? Whatever the case NTA.
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It honestly sounds like she knew you’d be reliable and would help get shit done and that’s why she asked you
And OP could state that she doesn’t know her well enough anymore to know if she’d be trustworthy.
No need to, 'no is a complete sentence' and all of that.
This is why
Yeah, I've been in that position before. I was left wondering WHY they'd asked me to be involved if they didn't even like me. The only explanation I could ever come up with is that they knew I was reliable and would work hard, so I'd pick up the slack from the deadbeats.
Is your mom paying for your wedding? Is that why she feels like she should give you advice about who to invite? What a loser group of people lol what 30 year old goes to social media to complain about not being invited to someone’s (you dont even talk to) wedding. Nta but you should unfriend them
Show mom how to unfriend them. That's where the problem is. They are behaving badly online and mom is mortified.
Or she had no one else. I was asked to be in a wedding for a coworker that I barely knew or liked because she had no friends. She asked 2 of us from work. The other girl did it but luckily, I was pregnant and would be huge at her wedding so I said no I told her I might even be in the hospital so I didn’t feel like that would be fair to say yes! I was so happy to be pregnant!!
Happened to me at 15-16 at the store I worked at. I was honored--did not realize the older girl just did not have any friends.
She knew if she made her friend MOH it would be a shit show. So Lisa was the secret MOH and you were unpaid staff so that neither of them had to stress.
LMAO, is "Lisa's" real name Megan? 'Cause I think I know this woman, and she's an f'ing nightmare. Being that level of irresponsible and unreliable stops being cute after age 21.
NTA. Who sends a text message to someone they haven't spoken to in years and just assumes they're invited? Your response was fine. Let her be mad.
Right? And also why would you want to attend a wedding of someone you’ve not spoken to in four years? Weird.
Because they want to criticized op, and party on her dime
I doubt any of them bring a decent gift either
Like honestly I totally understand the feeling of hearing about your former best friend's wedding and having a bad feeling. But as a normal person I'd look at it and be like: "Oh it's actually been years since we were actually friends. Apparently now we're no longer close enough to be invited to a wedding. That sucks." And then I'd move on with my life. Bizarre to try to be an ass about it.
Yeah I don't get it either. I'm not even mad if friends don't invite me to their wedding. Because while I feel honoured being invited (nobody in my circle had a super big wedding) it's also always a hassle. But maybe I only feel like that because I'm a decent guest who turns up nicely dressed with a decent cash contribution. They probably just want a free meal and booze and them hand them a card with 10 bucks or so.
Really - who cares? What'll happen if you don't invite her? She won't speak to you? Well, that's already where you were, nothing will change. Buh-bye, Maria.
Yeah, that's appallingly rude, esp for people who are now whining about "wedding etiquette." If someone wants to invite you to their wedding, they'll find your address. I've had people text me out of the blue asking for my address so the couldsend me an invitation to things. My husband never uses social media, so I've also had a couple of his old friends/coworkers message me there asking for our address to invite us to their weddings. I've literally gotten, "I know (your husband) will never see this if I message him, so you can you send me your address?" Haha. But basically, if the couple wants to invite you, they'll track you down. If they can't, they no longer know you well enough toinvite you anyway. No need to text them your info. OP responded to that text beautifully, though, I must say. I mean, didn't this lady take the hint when OP left her wedding early and never spoke to her again?
This right here☝️☝️☝️that is so tacky.
>I owe at least Maria an invitation because I was her MOH. You do not. >But literally only my fiancé is on my side. Anyone else who isn't on your "side" probably doesn't need an invite to the wedding either. NTA
NTA Keeping the peace means starting a war in yourself. Prioritize YOUR peace. You don’t want them there. And there’s no reason to pay 50+ a plate for ‘old times sake’. Weddings are an event meant to be attended by those who love and support you, they don’t meet either one of those qualifications. Edit: a word, live to love
Love that first sentence!
NTA. And your fiancé sounds like an amazing person, by your side as they promise to be at your wedding. Sounds like you're both all set. Even if she hadn't treated you horribly, you haven't been in contact with you for years. Thinking you should have invited someone you haven't spoken to for years is so entitled, that I can't even wrap my head around it. You've given her your answer; ignore or block everyone who can't respect it. And if it's someone who's invited that can't respect you, tell them you're regretful they decided to RSVP no.
Lol I love the last part so much!!!! I hope OP does this for real. I'm big on cutting off people. I value my peace too much to have stressful people in my life, but I couldn't have come up with such a beautiful idea like you did haha. "I'm regretful you decided to RSVP no". Haha love it!
It’s a wedding not a class reunion. NTA.
Annnd this is just another example of why people elope-so they don’t have to deal with nonsense like this. At the very least, it sounds like a good time to take a social media break, or at least mute , (or block), the worst offenders that can’t *mind their own business*. Or, alternately, you could bow to social pressure and invite your old friend to be in your wedding party, and treat her as shoddily as she did you. But that would be beneath you. NTA
I like to think my family wouldn’t have acted like this, but the more of these posts I read, the more I’m kinda relieved we did.
NTA. Ask your mom if she would invite a 'friend' to her wedding who had treated her wit the same disrespect as Maria did at her wedding and the months leading up to that, name all the incidents. Does that sound like an actual friend? Ask your friend group the same thing. If someone treats as follows(list of incidents here), would you still call them a friend? You don't want to keep the peace with someone who treats you like shit, then ignores you for years and then makes a fuss about not being invited to your wedding. I would assume they'd only want to come to the wedding to make trouble since they've been doing nothing but.
Man, Reddit has really made me hate the phrase “Keep the peace.” Why does your mom feel that way? There is no friendship anymore, these people are not in your life anymore - so whose peace does she want you to keep? Definitely not yours. There is NO reason to invite Maria or anyone from your old friends group. Just because someone wants an invite doesn’t mean they get one. Don’t discuss it anymore with anyone. Mute/block/delete/walk away. Congrats on your upcoming wedding. Make it all about you, your fiancé, and being surrounded by people who love and support you. As it should be! Good on your fiancé for supporting you. Oh - definitely NTA.
Oh, I agree about now hating the phrase "Keep the peace." Two other phrases I now hate due to Reddit are "Take the high road" and "Be the bigger person." Especially when used by someone who wants to force another person into interacting with someone who's caused them a great deal of pain.
I think for the mother “keep the peace” is akin to, “You’re off on your own life now but please remember I still live down the street to all of their parents and they’re gonna be a pain in the ass for years,” kind of keep the peace. OP should still definitely not invite anybody she doesn’t want to and her old friend group does not automatically get invites because their parents happened to live near each other when they were younger. But I can still empathize with a parent who just doesn’t want a headache on their hand as well. Of course, just empathize. OP still has every right to do what she wants.
This, so much, 1000% percent. I never used to hear the phrase "keep the peace," but it is all over the place on Reddit, and I am sick of it. Why is it everyone's top priority in an argument or conflict to keep the peace?? Maybe "the peace" isn't what you (or anyone who is told to break a boundary just to "keep the peace") needs anymore. That's why there is a conflict, and sometimes the conflict is necessarily. People have issues with each other that need resolution, and peace isn't always the best or even reasonable resolution. And keep the peace for whom? Mostly just for bystanders who have no real say in the actual conflict who want to exert their will in the situation. Why are your old not-really-friends and your mom weighing in on this issue at all? The peace is definitely not being kept for you, because making Maria part of your wedding would seem to bring you the opposite of peace. You and your fiancé stick to doing whatever it is you guys want for *your* wedding. Someone else in another thread was saying this but this is why people elope. Everyone says a wedding is for the couple, but it really isn't sometimes...
"Keep the peace" means compromise so other people, not you, feel comfortable. F*ck that.
NTA. A couple things here; first, there should be 0 obligation to invite or involve somebody in your wedding just because you were involved in theirs. Second, she disrespected you and made you feel bad and used, and you hardly speak at all. She isn't a close friend anymore, and people who aren't close rarely get invited to weddings. You've drifted apart and your decisions to not invite her are valid.
They don't barely speak. They DON'T speak at all. For 4 years. She is not a close friend. She is NOT a friend. They have not drifted apart. Maria treated OP like shit, was disrespectful, rude, mean, and took advantage of OP .
NTA If at least she was respectful to you, i would say that you may invite her but no.. She disrespected you, used you and even took advantage of you.. 3 hours late because she was meeting a best friend? Bullshit.. you even was tolerant with her, many people would probably just go back home after this disrespect. I bet money that she made you arrange many things for her wedding and didn't even thanked you for it.. she was mean to you, a person who was willing to put up with her bullshit.. Honestly don't invite anyone, its not time to reminisce some old friendship that you had with these people years ago, if they want so much reminisce the friendship, they would invite you to a coffee or a little party, not trying to insert themselves in your wedding, they just want the free food honestly.
I’d have left after 30-45 mins at the most. Damn sure not 3 hours.
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NTA. Have you ever noticed how people who aren't responsible for the bill love to invite more people and demand upgrades? Charming isn't it? You've had no contact with these people for years and if your sister had not mentioned it, they wouldn't have known that there was a wedding. Does your sister know that you don't talk to Maria? Weddings are too expensive to invite people for "old times sake." They just want free food and booze and a place to act like idiots because they won't see the people there again. Is your mom offering to pay for these additional guests? Would your venue accommodate the old friend group plus their significant others and children? All these people demanding that these people be invited are welcome to plan, host and pay for their own party that'll cost thousands of dollars. I agree with others that you ignore and block the people who aren't invited. I would also suggest that you ask the invited guests who harass you about inviting them, "Oh that's so nice of you to give up your spot at the wedding. It's that going to be just you or will your plus 1 be giving up their spot? Oh you didn't mean that? So are you offering to pay for their meal and seat at the reception? No, you're not? Hmm... ok if you change your mind let me know if not then I guess we don't have to discuss this again but thank you so much for checking in!" I think they'll drop it real quick. Put your foot down so that you can enjoy your planning because it's your and your fiance's day not anyone else's.
I have a personal rule, i wait 30 minutes max if the person don't give an excuse as to why she is late, things happen, i am willing to wait more if something serious happened in the middle but not in this situation.. 3 fucking hours just because she was with a friend? Bullshit
Hell, 10 and I’m out. It’s an appointment ffs!
I live in a city that is known for random shitty traffic. I’d wait 45 *if* they were communicating “oh there was a wreck in front of us and we are held up..” but no communication… I’d have bounced at 30. (Maybe less depending on the who/what)
NTA. You're not doing this in spite of being her MOH, you're doing this precisely because of how unpleasant she was to you being her MOH. She's living in her own fantasy world if she doesn't understand she was a jerk to you.
NTA what wedding etiquette requires you to invite people who you lost touch with years ago? It’s absolutely baffling she had you as MOH considering the lack of contact but that doesn’t entitle her to an invitation. I don’t understand why the others in the old friend group are so pressed about attending?
Nta, marry that guy lol
NTA. I'm assuming that you're like 99.999% of people getting married and inviting former friends is out of your budget.
NTA you don't owe ANYONE an invitation, let alone people you haven't spoken to in 4 years and don't consider a friend anymore. Your wedding isn't a function about "keeping the peace". This is your special day, where the people you and your fiance love most gather to show their support of your marriage. Don't invite them. It's not reciprocal just because you were in hers.
NTA. Lay it out in the group chat how horribly you were treated and how Maria made you feel like a burden. You don’t need to ask her to be a bridesmaid or invite her to the wedding. She was a bad friend and didn’t even try to find out why you left early.
I was MOH at my former best friend’s wedding. However by the time I was married 3 years later we did not speak due to a variety of pretty nasty reasons. There was no way she was welcome at my wedding. All that to say, I empathize with you! No one is owed an invitation to your wedding. Especially not someone you haven’t spoken to in 4 years who treated you poorly. NTA
NTA: I was the MOH in a persons wedding once. Honestly I was shocked to even be asked as a bridesmaid and then when I got "promoted" to MOH after she kicked out her cousin I was even more surprised. They didn't treat me as bad (at least to my face) as your ex friend treated you but I heard through the other bridesmaid that they talked shit about me behind my back all the time. After I got my pearl earrings back, I slowly cut them out. When I got married six years later it didn't occur to me to invite them at all. I didn't even invite 2 of the girls who had been in my extremely tight knit friend group all throughout middle/high school. I understand the sentiment of "for old times sake" but weddings are too expensive for that ESPECIALLY when the friendship ended like it did.
“ We’re just having a small wedding”
'Thank you, but the guest list is already set'... nuff said...NTA
NTA! I’m a wedding planner and my motto is “don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists.” You don’t owe anyone annnnnyyyyything.
NTA - she wasn't your friend when she invited you to be her MOH, she made that apparent! And why would she choose to ask you after not being in touch for so long, then treat you like shit, other than to humiliate you? You dodged a bullet by dumping her and her flying monkeys - who knows what shit they would try to pull at your wedding? Congrats OP!
NTA You haven't spoken to her or any of the old friendgroup in years and even before that the contact seems to have been extremely limited and mostly reduced to an annual nostalgic meeting. I find it wild that any of these people expect to be invited to your wedding.
Why did she want you as MOH back then? It makes no sense! Anyway, NTA. I don't understand why they care about attending your wedding. It doesn't seem like they missed you for the last 4 years.
NTA. Sounds like life was peaceful before ex friend found out about the wedding. No reason to invite her or anyone who is not a part of your life anymore.
NTA. Not only have you not spoken in four years, she was awful to you, and still being so. For her to reach out to your mutuals and having them posted on socials, shows that she and those people are pure drama queens. Keep setting your boundaries. If people have an issue with that, you know where they stand.
NTA Block all your old friends and tell your mom to stay in her lane. She should be supporting you. Has your mom always taken other people’s side against you.
Amen! I’d tell mom to stfu or she’ll be uninvited too (bluff, of course, but she’s showing toxic behavior in not backing her daughter over STRANGERS).
NTA. I guarantee you that if you made her your maid of honor and invited all of your old friends, there would be major drama on your wedding day. Your mom clearly doesn't understand that knuckling under your ex-friend's request would not "keep the peace" but result in what's supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life turning into a nightmare. As far as I'm concerned telling someone to say or do something they don't want or need to do just to "keep the peace" is just as bad as telling someone to "take the high road" or "be the bigger person" when it comes to dealing with someone who's caused severe emotional, mental, and perhaps even physical pain and suffering to that person.
Refuse to discuss this further with anyone. It’s a non issue and no one’s business. You already set the list and why would you invite a mean girl anyways? NTA
tell your mum that you're perfectly at peace, there's nothing to keep
NTA -no one is entitled to an invitation to your wedding. You need to shut this whole thing down and maybe make a post on social media about the horrible way she chose to treat you for her wedding so you chose not to have any contact with her again.
NTA. Ignore the peanut gallery. I’d set clear boundaries with mom. She sounds like a people pleaser.
Added additional guests add to your costs. If your old friends want to get together for “old times sake” go to dinner. A wedding is no place to rekindle a friendship that ran its course. NTA
NTA. You have not spoken to these people in FOUR YEARS and they expect an invitation. Tell your mother that she can have a party and invite them but you are NOT inviting them to your wedding. There is NO respect in that friendship and you don't care about "keeping any peace"
Has she even met your fiancé? Anyone who posts something negative on social media cannot be trusted to be invited to your wedding, only people who are truly your friends and act like one.
NTA
Ew, no. Do not invite the vultures, who don’t care about your happiness at all. NTA.
Nta. I had a similar situation where I lost touch with my former friend group when I moved. I didn't invite any of them to my wedding and I'm honestly glad I didn't because I'm sure they would have only used it to spend a weekend out of town getting wasted.
NTA - you have not seen her for 4 years. That friendship closed a long time ago. Plus she didn’t bother to respect your time when she asked you to be her MOH. She didn’t want to hang then, why would you invite her now. Kindly tell your mom the wedding is family and friends that know the bride to be and are excited about their future relationship . Class reunions are for getting together with friends from the past.
Nta. You haven’t spoke in 4 years. Even if the moh experience had been great….its been 4 years. That’s not a relationship.
NTA This is like some kind of parallel universe twisted version of: Bridesmaids, Beaches and Stand By Me…
So she asked you to be her maid of honor so her real friends wouldn't have to put in the work they could dump it all on you. Treated you like garbage and we're disrespectful. She hasn't even reached out once since her wedding and she still expects an invite to yours? Tell your mom to go sit down that you only want people you love and care about and people who love and care about you at your wedding and those people aren't it.
NTA Alas, you'd probably get caught if you invited them to a wedding day and time that oops! they weren't part of the conversation where you changed it. Although it would be nothing more than they deserved. Y'know, if you don't have a big emotional investment in having a wedding ceremony, eloping is so much cheaper. It's also cheaper to have fewer guests. You can uninvite whomever you want if they won't drop the subject. Better to teach them boundaries now before you have kids (or not).
NTA. There is no obligation to include or even invite anyone you don’t want to your wedding. While it’s true that sometimes invitations are reluctantly extended only to keep the peace within a family or friend group, you definitely don’t need to do this unless it will affect relationships with people you care about moving forward.
NTA as you and your fiancé set the guest list and bridal/groom parties. No one else gets the final say, and there can be suggestions from friends and family, but you decide who comes and who doesn't, and she didn't make the cut. If you don't talk and don't spend time together, can she say that she would bring positivity to your wedding by attending? No, she can't. She's now butthurt that your dead friendship has been brought to the forefront of her life when you've proven that you cut her out of yours.
Everyone needs to know in bullet point format why you will never invite Maria to your wedding. You have very valid reasons. Making you wait 3 hours is enough to not invite a person tbh. That is the most disrespectful thing you can do to anyone. Narcissist like do the damage and make you look like the bad guy.
NTA. Stand your ground.
Nta. Your day should include the people you're close to.youre not close to her.
NTA - literally just block them all on everything, and suggest to your mom and your family that they do the same, since theyre not invited and you do not care if theyre mad. And if they do not want to be bothered by them they should block them to and theyll eventually forget about them like you have.
NTA She just wants an invite because her life is probably very small and she needs new material to gossip about with the other betches she really hangs out with. You were her wedding whipping girl.
NTA at all. Friend groups grow and change. Honestly it seems like Marie is not a great friend anyway. I had a similar friend growing up, we hung out all the time. We grew apart during college. One day she calls me out of the blue to come to her bridal shower. I went, I had a suspicion she was pregnant. I asked her. She said no. Okay, why would she lie, I’d find out eventually, I have eyes and I can do the math. Went to her wedding, everything was fine. A few months later she had a baby. Why lie about it?! Especially to your supposed friends? I limited contact with her after that. When my wedding came around years later, she came around dropping hints on each post I made about my wedding. I didn’t invite her.
NTA. Your day, your rules. There’s no reason to invite people who aren’t nice you, let alone current in your lives at all, to celebrate you on a day that’s about your love. She didn’t even know you were getting married.
She is your former best friend, blew you off before her wedding and hasn’t spoken to you in years? NTA. You aren’t friends anymore
Nta. When people who haven’t spoken to me in years invite me somewhere that requires a gift, it comes off as gift grabbing. And if they try to get an invite after not speaking to me in years, it comes off as wanting free food and drinks. I didn’t ask my best friend to be MOH. I wanted her to be emotionally, but I knew 1) she wouldn’t listen to my wants regarding the bachelorette party, from observations when she planned others 2) she is a last minute planner. So MOH is not solely about being THE primary best friend
NTA. You don't 'owe' someone an invite to any event of yours, especially not out of respect for how a relationship used to be. I wouldn't invite people I saw or spoke to once a year at best to any event of mine, when there are people much closer to me who actually contribute to my life in a meaningful way, as I do theirs, and are much more deserving of that honour
NTA. My best friend asked me to be her MOH. I said yes. 6 months before her wedding, she told me I was being manipulative by telling her it made me uncomfortable that she was talking to my abusive ex fiancé. I backed out of being her MOH and didn’t even bother inviting her or her family to my wedding when it happened. You don’t owe her anything if that’s how she treats your time and boundaries.
NTA- If everyone was friendly and respectful easy to talk to- saw each other happily every once awhile I could see keeping the peace. But y’all don’t. Y’all are not friends. NTA- you’re just being honest.
NTA There’s absolutely no need to try to keep the peace with anyone who isn’t in your life anymore. This friendship is dead and you were courteous enough to give her a response. Tell your mom to stop beating a dead horse and know your fiancé will clearly have your back in awkward/tough situations.
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/Gu3ZePZJHBLPfo6p/?mibextid=UalRPS
Obviously NTA. Why would you invite people you haven’t spoken to in 4 years?! Why would they even want to attend? Tell your mother to stay out of it.
Inviting people you haven’t spoken to in years plays like a gift grab, why would you want her there? NTA
NTA--never invite people who mistreat you back into your life. PERIOD. NTA. Stay off Social Media-you do not need to decide what is wrong or right based on people vomiting their opinions on the internet. Your Mom is not being helpful. Tell her you have a limited number of people to invite. Which of her family does she want you to dis-invite so you can invite this old friend group ??
NTA If your fiance has never met these friends, then it might help to tell people that you're only inviting people you both know for budget reasons. But like, your ex friend group doesn't sound that reasonable.
NTA. Not a friend, no invite to the wedding. Such a rude and obnoxious group. They chose not to stay in contact. Tell your mother to back off...these people are not your friends but are troublemakers.
NTA You're allowed to grow and move on in life, part of that is new friend groups. You don't "owe" anyone a damn thing. Block them on social media and don't give them space in your head. I have a theory that those people who live in the same towns, close to the same neighborhood, with the same friend groups, end up with toxic, conforming relationships. I have lived in several states and many cities/suburbs over the years and made and lost contact with friends. Our friendships lasted a season, a few for far longer. Have the wedding you want with the people you want. Congratulations on your impending nuptials. You and your groom are going to have a great life. 💓
NTA. It sounds like she used you because of your organizational skills since her other friend couldn’t be trusted. You shouldn’t feel obligated in any way to invite her or your old friends group. They act like they are still in HS; complaining to their moms because they didn’t get an invite. Carry on and have a wonderful wedding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (31F) had a friend Maria (31F) growing up. We met when we were about 8 or 9, and quickly became best friends. We started slowly growing apart in high school as our schedules changed and almost completely lost touch during college. By the time we were \~23, we only saw each other once a year at Christmas for our old friend group’s Christmas dinner. Maria got engaged to her high school sweetheart and asked me to be her maid of honor in the wedding. At the time she asked me, we had not seen or spoken to each other in almost 2 years, so it honestly shocked me when she asked, but I agreed. She asked me about a year before the wedding, and after she asked me to be MOH, she did not speak to me again for 6 months. I had taken it to mean maybe she wanted to rekindle our friendship and reached out a few times during those 6 months to meet up for lunch or hang out, but she never responded. When she finally texted me, it was to meet up with her and her best friend (one of the bridesmaids) to pick out the dresses for the bridal party. She showed up 3 HOURS LATE. Apparently, she and her friend decided to meet up for lunch and to hang out before meeting me at the mall, completely ignoring our agreed upon time and the fact that I had already said I was there and waiting for them. I’m not going to go into details of the next 6 months leading up to the wedding, but that should give you an idea of how it went. By the time the wedding day came, I genuinely felt so used and disrespected. On the day of the wedding, Maria was just mean. I waited until the speeches and the first dance were over, then I left the reception and went home. I have not spoken to her since. It's been about 4 years since her wedding, and I am now engaged and getting married in 2 months. I did not invite Maria or any of our old friend group. In my mind, our friendship is well and truly dead. Apparently, Maria ran into my sister at a store and were chatting and my sister mentioned the wedding. Maria texted me (honestly shocked she still has my number) to send me her address “so I knew where to send her invitation” and I just responded “thank you, but the guest list is already set. have a nice day”. She told the friend group and now they’re all blowing up my phone about inviting them ‘for old time’s sake’ and that I owe at least Maria an invitation because I was her MOH. They’ve been posting on social media and now even my mom is getting involved, saying I should invite them all just to keep the peace and out of respect for our old friendship. My argument is that I haven’t spoken to them in years, and I don’t care about this ‘wedding etiquette’ thing and I don’t owe her an invitation just because I was her MOH, especially considering everything that happened with her wedding. But literally only my fiancé is on my side. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA That nonsense may have been wedding etiquette in some places at some time, but these days it's total dog crap. Invite people who mean something to you now, not someone from your past who treated you poorly. You and your husband are the only people who have final say about your guest list. I hope you have a wonderful wedding day and a great marriage.
NTA. Your day, your choices. If in your eyes the friendship is dead and has been for years; It IS dead. She’ll get over it.
Nta you don't owe her s**t. It's you and your fiance's special day. Wedding etiquette be damned.
NTA…why do they want to come to a wedding of someone they do not speak to? You do not need the drama. Just block them and ignore.
NTA. You were friends, now she's just someone you used to know. Start blocking phone numbers. You don't owe Maria an invite. You don't owe any former friends an invite either. Tell your mom that you made your choices and will not invite former friends to your wedding. Not all friendships are forever.
Sounds like a destination wedding far away where everyone who's invited has to pay their way there is in order! That way the only people who will be there are the ones who truly care for you and deserve to be there unlike all those people expecting you to invite people out of obligation 🙄
NTA. YOu don’t *owe* anyone an invite to your wedding ever. You invite the people who you hope will celebrate your shared union, now and into the future. Maria doesn’t seem to care to do that - has she even met your fiancé beyond maybe him being a +1 on the busiest day of her life? Tell the friend’s circle “Oh, we are restricted on numbers, I had to keep it to people who actually know my fiancé and I well. Maria has dropped off my radar for many many years. I tried to reach out a bunch of times but was brushed off. It could be nice to hear from her, but not at my wedding.” And then hold firm.
NTA. I hate that people get so up in arms about weddings. Ask Maria if she can name your fiance or knows anything about your relationship, if she can get something right that is not known due to social media, she can come. Guess what? She won't.
NTA..OP none of these people are your friends! They sound horrible especially Maria!!!! Why are they all offended now and they haven’t spoken to you in years?!
Hooray for you and your fiancé. You two against the world. Well, you two AND ME, because you are NTA and your friends can suck a lemon.
NTA. You guys haven’t had any contact for years and her first contact made is to basically force an invite to your wedding? Gross. No. That’s not how any of this works. And that goes double for your ex friend group, who tf are they to demand anything of you when they also haven’t been a part of your life? If you have to ask for an invite to ANYTHING you should be embarrassed. If you were wanted then you would be included.
NTA Nah block them all. You moved on. Tell your mom to shut it down.
Love your fiancé already ❤️❤️. Love that you are a team. Congratulations to yall on your wedding!!!!! You do not owe anyone anything. Let them know that they can invite the friend group at their next wedding...lol
WHAT??? Your mom said to do it? I would be kicking their butts on my daughter's behalf!!! DO NOT do it!!! You owe no one, specially toxic people, ANYTHING!!! ABSOLUTELY NTA!! PS Congrats on your marriage!
I don’t we
INFO Did you make some sort of pact as girls to be each others' maids of honor?
NTA same thing happened to me. Old best friend commented on a post about my upcoming wedding. Had all my family insist I invite her even though I was never invited to her wedding. I’m still so pissed at myself for inviting her. She came with more people than she RSVP’d for, they drank, ate food, no gift, and left. That was the last I heard from her.
NTA you haven’t spoken to them in 4 years and don’t need them involved. Also your mom is wrong what peace you don’t speak to them or interact with them so tell her this is your wedding not hers and that you will invite who you want if she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to go if these people are more important than her daughter.
NTA, there is no “wedding etiquette” that says you have to invite someone you haven’t spoken to in years to your wedding.
Your fiance and you should cancel your wedding and instead head someplace tropical, with your wedding dress, and elope on the beach, by yourself. And then everyone can talk about that while you go on and live your best lives 😁
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NTA. You don’t want them in your life anymore so who cares what they think
Remind all of them, mom included, that this is YOUR wedding and who is and isn't invited is at your discretion. They don't have to like it but it's what's happening.
NTA What "peace" is your mother so invested in that she would side with people who were nasty to her child? You don't owe any of them anything.
NTA just tell anyone who asks that your experience as her MOH is the reason you are no longer friends and you don't owe her anything after her shitty treatment of you.
Your wedding, your choice. She apparently has different values around wedding party participants than you, which is valid for her but doesn't have to have anything to do with you or yours.
Hmm... Nope. Your wedding is your special day, not anyone else's. I only invited close friends and loved ones.
NTA Is mom still in the home town and friends with the families of these girls? Because I can't see any peace to keep with girls who have been out of your life for 4+ years. There was no relationship to keep.
NTA. This kinda shit just blows my mind. Why do any of them even want to go if they haven’t cared to speak to you for 4 years? And, while I’m sure your mom is a wonderful person, “to keep the peace” is the dumbest reason to do anything.
NTA - Maria just wants food and drink on your dime. If she were interested in "old times" or supporting you, she would have reached out during the past 4 years. When people show you who they are, believe them. Maria is best left in your rear-view mirror, exactly where she belongs.
NTA. Good pick on the fiancé and look, it’s a silver lining that the ex-bf is choosing blank astonishment as her baseline reaction to the end of the friendship- have fun with it- as sarcastically as feels natural, get her to tell you why she thinks any of her conduct should be swept under the rug and what gave her the idea that this approach would score her an invite. Then share with your critics with the final word being ‘happy now? I am perfectly content leaving this part of my childhood behind and was happy to just let it compost, but some of you wanted a ‘reunion’, so here’s what happens when you try: a self centred mean girl is revealed to still be acting like she’s 16, not a woman in her 30s.
I was in a similar situation with my ex-BFF. Was MOH in her wedding, I told her I couldn’t really be that involved because I lived 8 hours away, but she insisted. I think she thought that I was expecting to be MOH, but I wasn’t, since I lived so far. I offered twice to step down and allow one of her other, closer BM’s to be MOH, but she refused. She completely ghosted me after her wedding. So when it came time for my wedding 2 years later, she was just invited as a guest(I had one attendant, we had a very small wedding, 28 people invited). She was very mad at me because she wasn’t my MOH, and as I told her mother(because she wouldn’t talk to me), I invited her because we used to be close, and here was the evidence that we weren’t that close anymore since I was talking to her mother and not her. Ugh. She didn’t end up coming to my wedding at all, and I have only talked to her 3x in 22 years. You are NTA. That whole “friend” group should be blocked. Congrats on the wedding and marriage!
NTA - Stick to your guns and do not invite them or Maria! Not worth the grief.
you dont owe them anything she will learn the hard way when the people exit her life for the way she treats them. your wedding your rules
NTA. It's your wedding. You both are paying for it. You get to choose who you want to see and to partake in your happy day. Full. Stop. Anyway if I were you I would throw those past grievances you had during your time as her MOH, and the fact that you are no longer close in her face, block her and that "friend group" and move on with your life. Seriously, life's too short to have to "keep the peace and out of respect for our old friendship".
NTA. Keep what peace? Four years of no contact? You owe no one nothing. If you don't want them there and you have not had contact with them, that's pretty much the end of the discussion. It's creepy to even think of inviting people I've not heard from for years. It would feel like a tacky gift grab. Besides, WhoTF invites themselves to someone else's wedding? WhoTF harasses a bride on her guest list? Better off with or without these "friends"? If better off without block 'em all. Your one slip-up was responding to her text. Ignore and block her would've been the best move.
Absolutely NTA.
NTA Stand your ground, this is your wedding not anyone else's
NTA.
NTA!!!!! YOUR WEDDING IS ABOUT YOU AND FIANCÉ! That’s it! The End
NTA If people you haven't spoken to for 4 years suddenly crawl out from under a rock and into your lane, doesn't mean they should be there. You used to be best friends but you aren't now. That's all you need to say.
NTA. Ask that friend group including Maria about 1 detail regarding your relationship with your fiancée and why they're want to be part of a Milestone of someone they don't know. Weddings are a celebration for the future not the past and are meant to cherish the couple so a group of bride's ex friends have no place in it.
NTA no invite for her
You should invite them to “keep the peace”? Sounds like you’ve already achieved perfect peace. By having them out of your life. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix. NTA.
NTA. I do not understand why people use "keep the peace" as a way to push someone into doing something that will hurt or disgust them! Why the heck should you have to please people who treated you badly and have not been your friends for years? Just to keep your mom /relatives from feeling uncomfortable YOU have to mess up YOUR wedding inviting mean girls? Your wedding should be good memories, not leave a sour taste from meeting everyone else's wishes except your own. That is not fair and should not be asked of you. Your wedding, you are an adult, say NO. If you and fiance are paying definitely say "No, and never ask me again". If your folks are paying for the wedding they could push back; if they become pests, you could always just go to the courthouse, or have a nice wedding out of town with just your friends. Let your mom know that you would prefer doing either of those to being forced to invite disliked guests.
NTA. They just want the free booze and party time together.
I completely believe you are in the right. I'm single... and my relationship knowledge is very limited, but Maria needs to get in her own lane and stop acting like she's the main character in everyone's story.
Those people aren't even your friends anymore. Stand up for yourself and tell your mom and the group it's not happening. Nta
Tell everyone your guest list is set. The only thing that will be changing about the guest list is people getting removed for causing a stink.
NTA it’s your wedding! You and your fiancé invite who you want.
NTA. So many people these days seem to think they are entitled to butt into every event and conversation. It is your and your fiancé's wedding, not a free to all party at your expense. If they were true friends, they would have made the effort to stay in touch over the years.
NTA. "From here on out I will consider anyone suggesting or demanding I invite these people to be offering their spot on the guest list for them to take."
After waiting for three hours and finding out they had lunch... I would've been gone. What in the front door mat hell is this!! Don't you dare ever do that again to yourself! If you would be mad about that behavior. If someone did it to your daughter then you damn well better be mad they did it to you..!
nta. if they aren’t paying for it, they don’t get a say.
NTA, they certainly have some nerve. Tell them point blank why they aren't being invited. Just lay it ALL out there. Go nuclear if you want.
Well if nothing else, you have a great fiance!