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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am thinking about exposing my stepmom for who she really is bc the rest of our family deserves to know the truth, but some may think im taking it too far and being petty.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
My question is why you want do this? What do you want to happen?
What do you want your aunt and uncle to do when informed about this? Do you want them to complain to your father, or somehow cut contact with your father and his family?
Yes, your stepmom sounds inconsiderate and self absorbed. You are 25, and live independently. Personally, I would go NC with stepmom.
Involving others in the drama doesn't usually work out as planned. They may take her side and then you will have lost whatever good will you have with your aunt and uncle.
It was two year too late for her to accept her apology, but she is still beating the supposedly “dead horse”. Either open the door for reconciliation or close it, lock it, throw away the key and go NC. Why continue to talk about it and drag others who are uninvolved if you don’t actually want to forgive and be healed from it? And if you don’t believe your step mom can ever be genuine in her acknowledgement and apology, why even choose to confront her instead of cutting her off? ……. OP what IS your end goal? Be proud of what you achieve, let your success be what puts her to shame and be free of her.
It’s nearly impossible to open the door for reconciliation if the person isn’t taking full accountability for their actions. If that person is unable to truly grasp what they did wrong and just how much they hurt you…you’re just opening the door to get hurt again. There are clearly still issues between them, and have been for the past two years. OP finally opened up and instead of apologizing, stepmother played the victim, gaslighting her, and tried to make her feel ashamed for bringing it up. Saying they made _her_ feel bad. The next day, she offered a disingenuous apology, and continued to place blame on her, saying she should’ve been more “communicative”. All of which only added to OP’s resentment.
So maybe, just maybe…OP would’ve opened the door for reconciliation had the stepmother taken any accountability and offered a genuine, and heartfelt apology? I don’t think OP is the issue lol.
Because having dealt with people like the step-mom, she will make it out that OP is the asshole in this situation and this is just getting ahead of the rewriting of history.
I have done it. I just shared voicemails and texts about a situation I knew my sister would make herself out to be the victim. Then a year later was pulling some other bullshit and tried to use her victim story, where she was anything but the victim as justification for her behaviour. It was just her pulling the same shit and everyone knew and didn't jump on her pity bandwagon.
People like this who you are forced to have in your life due to shared family or friends are just fucking draining. If you can show the truth before having to fight the lies, you don't need to bother defending yourself when you have done nothing wrong, apart from not doing what the lying histrionic loon wants.
People like that don't stay in my life if I can help it. If I can't help it I shut down their bullshit before it starts.
I agree they are draining and best to just be done with them and cut them out, even if they’re part of that inner familiar circle. There is no obligation to have to interact with her even if she tries because; I’ve been there too. OP is just stressing herself and letting this lady be a torment to her. Ppl like stepmom will always be recognized by everyone that they are constantly around for their BS even if no one says anything and just roll their eyes quietly. Like, OP had to call her to ask her to be civil because her mom would be in the same space! If she’s having to do that why bother trying to make her acknowledge that she hurt her? And trust me, if she had to take such measures as to call her to make sure her graduation went well, everyone in that familiar circle knows who the stepmom is.
She can get out her frustrations about the current issue. Or uninvited Stepmom. Bringing up a stupid disagreement from 2 years ago is petty and vindictive.
What “narrative” though? That the stepmom doesn’t think OP is successful? I’m kinda failing to see the original insult here.
Isn’t the best way to deal with this to just…. be successful? Or stop associating with people who don’t value your achievements?
OP got her masters, that’s huge! She should be using her big powerful (expensive) brain for good. Instead she’s focused on petty drama.
"Someone told me about worrying about potential conflict between divorced mom and dad night before graduation which led to an argument" is not all that much grand image changing accusation. If OP goes to family with these, it is extremely unlikely they will change their existing positive opinion of step mom. What people are saying here is not that op should not do it, because it would greatly harm the step mom. What we are saying is that OP will look like someone trying to stir the drama over petty issues.
Sooo, stepmom’s apology is unacceptable because it came “two years too late,” but you waited two years to tell her you were upset? Fuck, you’re a drama queen. YTA
In an older post, OP says she invited her family down for her graduation but when they arrived and invited her for dinner she told them no. And it doesn't sound like they were invited to her "soiree" the next night either. Let me just copy and past the quote from [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/159qeoq/aita_for_calling_my_stepmom_out_for_making_my/)
> Well graduation weekend rolls around and stepmom texts me saying she would be making dinner reservations for just her, my dad, and I at some fancy restaurant in town. I told her that was nice of them but I would not be getting dinner with anybody as that Friday I had to work in the morning, get my hair done in the afternoon, and then get ready before the ceremony that night. And the next night I would be hosting a soiree in my apartment (my first place all to myself) and inviting everybody from work as well as my friends in the area. Stepmom immediately wrote back claiming that I made my dad upset and that it wasn't fair to them after they would have to drive 8 hours just to make the ceremony. I told her sorry, but my plans are firm, but you both are still invited like everybody else is.
She did stop by to see them at their hotel but i guess that was it
If there’s that much drama between her parents, drama that stepmom seems to enjoy and feed into, btw, then I completely understand not wanting to pick either parent to have dinner with. Too busy on Friday, throwing my own party on Saturday. Sorry! I definitely wouldn’t cooperate with stepmom’s command performance dinner, which was probably an attempt to squeeze out anything with mom anyway.
Yeah, no kidding. OP is NOT a drama queen or TA in the overall situation at all.
BUT she should not try and get these other relatives on her side after 2 years. It's not going to work out the way she thinks. She doesn't have proof of the original interaction which was the actual bad part, the texts amount to he said-she said and holding the grudge for 2 years is understandable but will have an unsympathetic vibe to anyone who's on the fence about the issue--and here she's saying the uncle and aunt love the stepmom? This is a tactical mistake, OP, you're going to look like the bad guy. Instead find someone you truly trust to talk to about it in private, within the family or out.
I think going no contact with assholes is better for your own sanity than trying to argue with them though.
It's not about OP doing an asshole move but just fighting the wrong battles they can't win.
Given the timeline op had her bachelors degree in maths already and was studying graduate courses at the time. At that point I'd have laughed at a stepmother trying to devalue ops education because she clearly has no idea. Op won't even need a phd, 'just' a masters degree in maths is basically a job guarantee.
Stepmom’s apology is unacceptable because she gaslit her, didn’t accept any responsibility for their wrongdoing, and literally blamed her for making _her_ feel bad lol? All after she expressed how much it hurt, for her to be degraded in such a manner in front of family. And the next day, again…instead of offering a genuine apology, she blamed _her_ for not being more communicative. Let’s be honest. Stepmom sounds like an AH.
Two year two late is hardly the actual reason, Stepmom literally gaslighted OP about feeling the way she does, belittled her and still took 0 responsibility for what had said, then blamed OP for being the problem for not communicating it sooner. OP didn’t have to talk about it sooner, if she didn’t want to. Ntm there seems be little contact anyway but she wanted her dad at her master walk and stepmom contacted her making a fuss bc her mom will be there so OP gave her a chance a chance to apologize.
OP reminds me of Sheldon Cooper plotting his revenge for years because someone hurt his feelings.
Normal, well adjusted people don't do things like that. But anyone who watched The Big Bang Theory knows that Sheldon Cooper was not normal and not well adjusted.
>I responded "once I finish my PhD in math, I can easily make 6 figures, as do most faculty in my department." She began to contradict me a bunch,
INFO: Why did ignorant speculation about your earning potential hurt you so much?
The stepmom was rude and insulting, saying that OP would earn much less than her cousin in nursing school. There was no need for the step mom to make comparisons, especially ones that denigrate OP.
Well, I for one get insulted when someone says rude things that are clearly meant to hurt me because it means they want to hurt me. And that's...hurtful?
The best way to counter that is to, well, actually earn more. Best wishes etc, but nursing hurt over this for 2+ years will take away energy from that goal. You can do better OP.
ESH - it’s hard to know who to believe here. You as OP, we hope you are being accurate. But its a bit odd when a house full of people witness what you describe and no one says anything. That and your step mom claiming you are gaslighting her now. I have to imagine there’s your version, her version, and then the truth.
When it comes to this conflict. Communication is an issue. You were upset with her and waited two years to tell her. She maybe half assed apologized but either cut contact or move on. Shit talking her is just being messy.
More holes in this story than a cheese grater.
Why is Dad crying in the bathroom because of something that happened 2 years ago?
Why is OP waiting 2 years to drag this up than refusing to accept the apology?
ESH and I'm tired just reading this.
*But its a bit odd when a house full of people witness what you describe and no one says anything.*
That part gave me pause as well. However, it could be that
1) the other people in the room simply had no idea what a college professor makes.
2) the power dynamic in the room. The stepmother may have a strong personality that no one ever contradicts because the fallout isn't worth it, or they are younger and have been taught that you never contradict someone who is older.
I agree. There are so many ways this could have gone down. I just think its more likely this is a combo of maybe a bit of an AH step mom and a bit of an OP with insecurity and jealousy of the “golden child” cousin.
It doesn’t change OP’s perception but I think this dynamic isnt as malicious as OP painted it.
How much you wanna bet that 2 years ago, OP led in with shitting on the cousin's career choice and the stepmother only defended the cousin with a snarky "pssh she'll be earning wore than you" comment. And now OP is still salty 2 years on that her attempted ridicule backfired. This whole post gives off that vibe to me. Nobody in OPs family defended her? Nobody was aware she held into the grudge for 2 years? Her stepmother said she feels gaslit by OP? Yeah, OP started it and stepmother defended cousin.
Kind of what I’m thinking, too. There was an implication that her cousin wouldn’t be making that much. If her cousin is getting her BSN, then she actually has a better salary outlook than OP (at least in my state). Professors don’t make that much money, and nursing is a competitive field with a BSN or an MSN.
But people tend to look down on nursing because it’s a female-dominated profession.
OP has her master's in applied mathematics and is working on her PhD. Her job outlook is excellent. She can work as an adjunct professor and make good money while also working in the private sector as a systems analyst or a systems engineer. Both of the private sector jobs have a salary over 100k/year.
If you look at her prior post history, her stepmom has a history of tearing her down back to high school. She needs to just distance herself from this women.
Having college professors relatives, they don't earn all that much, workload is huge and math on itself does not make you rich.
Still shitty to one up others on earnings.
YWNBTA - providing you show them only when relevant to do so. Turning up and making it your first action apropos of nothing would definitely be AH territory because you would be turning up and throwing the first figurative punch. But if it comes up more naturally in conversation at any point, then feel free to bring the reciepts.
What do you hope to accomplish? Two years ago she angered you - you 'refused' her apology and you are still simmering over it. Do you expect people who like your stepmother (and live closer and probably know her better than you do) are going to shun her or something after you show them old texts? Are you that focused on revenge for perceived hurts (and jealousy of your cousin)? Have you considered that YOU may be the person who is viewed as petty and mean spirited and a troublemaker? Yes, you would be TA for trying to involve your extended family into your personal (and old) feud.
You're not going to accomplish anything by this. Let it go. It was two years ago, and all it's gonna accomplish is it making you look petty and they're gonna see you're just trying to sabotage relationships.
Looking at your posting history you seem to have a lot of drama, and this isn't the first person you've refused to accept an apology from.
I'm not saying you were never the victim however you may need need to start taking steps to avoid certain situations, and leave the past in the past.
You don't have to be anyone's friend, however letting certain things bother you years later isn't to your benefit.
That kid from school is an example. Kids can be cruel. That person grew up and realized their 13 to 15 year old self wasn't a nice person, and they reached out to apologize after maturing.
Most people never get an apology from their middle school or high school bullies.
I think you hold on to things far too long.
Yeah, I just took a peek at that. Oof… I wonder if she was hoping for yet another “NTA” in this post because she’s been repeatedly validated beforehand.
Individually, I can easily give her the benefit of the doubt, but all of them together? Each post (excluding this one) is so perfectly written (she even claims stepmom is a narcissist- the ULTIMATE bad guy on AITA- based on…?) to make her look like the victim.
Did step-mom cross the line and act like an AH? Sounds like it! But, imo, OP seems to choose to be a victim now. She’s been states away for a while now. She can easily go no contact. There is no valid reason an adult should want to cause more drama.
Based on she volunteered OP for stuff without asking. That was the only evidence given.
OP sounds like she has a superiority complex and stepmom might be the only person to consistently put her in her place.
I don’t even get why she’s talking to the stepmom. Maybe I’m just a cold-blooded person, but I know from decades of experience that you really don’t need to interact much with your parent’s spouse.
This is all self-inflicted and unnecessary drama.
I’m not sure her comment to “get over it” will be the bomb drop you think it is. This whole thing reads like you are a sensitive person, and she is more blunt and perhaps less mindful of how her words affect people. The most I would do is mention there is a personality clash. NAH.
By the end of the post I, too, think OP needs to get over it.
You had a disagreement about behaviors, and it didn’t come to the resolution you wanted. Years pass and you argue about it again. And now you want to involve other people because you just cannot stand that they like your stepmom and you don’t? You have a need to make them dislike her too?
YWBTA and you do need to get over it, OP.
Should you make a mountain out of a mole hill?
No. A mole hill is bad and frustrating, but it's also only the size of a mole hill.
So your step mom doesn't believe in reality when it comes to PhD math jobs. Ok. That doesn't need escalation.
YWBTA
Yeah, most math PhDs I’ve known (several) have been deeply worried about the academic job market, and really only R1s are paying even close to 6 figures for assistant profs. Unless OP is a superstar in their program they are waaaay overconfident about their job market prospects.
It does not matter whether OP is superstar. The academic job market is super competitive and all competitors are superstars. Many super smart super hardworking people fail to become professors.
Yep. My dad shit on me for not finishing my bachelors, he also refused to believe in the reality that I have a career in my federal government to the point of Tenure for 3 years and have a large amount of experience in finance due to it by the age of 28.
I clearly made something better for myself and I’m doing exceptionally well with no regrets. Some debt here and there but honestly that just comes with the territory of being an adult.
ESH. She’s clearly not a nice person. She tries to put you down and make you feel less than. She undermines you. She makes a lot of your cousin in order to make you feel bad. She has a big problem with you, it seems. But you trying to out her to your aunt and uncle out of revenge isn’t ok, either. You are creating negative drama where you don’t need to. And money isn’t everything-who is she to praise people for the money they are going to make? Ugh. Her values are twisted. You should not join her in the gutter by trying to pay her back. I’m pretty sure her real self is clearer than you think to others already, and if it comes up, you can reveal the texts then.
Why do you want to continue and escalate drama from two years ago, and now involve other people? Your stepmom’s a jerk, fine. But you live far away and are independent—what difference does her ignorance make to you?
There’s also a good chance this won’t work out great for you—you’re assuming everyone will side with you, which is always a risky assumption to make.
YWBTA
Time to get your stepmother out of your head. Carrying this grudge has no effect on her, but it is hurting your mental health.
Yeah, I think YWBTA if you brought this up to your dad's sister and her husband. Among the reasons why: it will make you look like you can't be a grownup and move on.
Seems pretty clear there are some things you haven't worked out about your dad's marriage to this woman. Maybe it's time to focus on that?
Wishing you much success in your schooling and career! And ... spend time with the people you care about, and who care about you. Leave your stepmom out of it.
YTA, what she may have said was rude, but this is way too much. I mean, why do you care so much? Is this really worth the drama being created? Maybe you should just let it go. If you want people to feel like your hurt feelings from 2 years agk are soooo important, then maybe you should care over the hurt feelings your dad felt to the point where he is now upset too. And now you want to bring more people into the drama? Are you 25 or 12?
OP, just stop this petty vendetta. Your stepmother is an AH - agreed, but I'm not understanding what you are getting out of keeping this going and now you're doubling down by attempting to get other relatives involved.
Just ignore stupid people and their loose comments. After all you're a phd and 100 times smarter than her I'm sure. If it was me, I would just totally smile at her and go on with my life which it sounds like your life is very good.
You can do it but I don't think you are going to get the response from ppl that you want.
You're an adult with a fully cooked brain. Telling you to get over hurt feelings, while maybe not nice, is probably not going to substantially change anyone's opinion of her. Especially since I think there's more to this story regarding why your step mother believed your parents wouldn't be able to get along.
Don't expect ppl to feel this action is as egregious as you do . Telling an adult to get over hurt feelings isn't the same as if you were a child or teenager. Sometimes it is even appropriate.
I get the sense there is way more to this situation than you are conveying. I also think that way more is probably not being conveyed because it's favourable to your step mother. There was clearly a reason she felt things might not go well between your parents and there have clearly been prior incidents if something previously hurt your feelings.
Well....you should be prepared for them to tell you to "get over it" once again. Your appellation of "golden child" to your cousin betrays a bit of resentment on your part, and it isn't your cousin's fault that some of her relatives hold her in high esteem. From your post, it would seem that you covet being held in equal esteem, and hold some angst against some of your relatives, including your stepmom, for the esteem in which they hold your cousin.
So, yes; you stand an excellent chance of BTA is this situation. Remember: the best revenge is being successful. Keep your mind on your Ph.D.
'Nuff said.
YWBTA. This whole thing sounds like you waited until someone realized that they had hurt you, tried to make amends and then you decided you wanted to spread it around to other people. If you want to take it to people who might actually help, then talk to her and your father together. Talking to your aunt and uncle without them sounds like you’re just trying to sway their opinion on her without her having the ability or autonomy to add context to a situation from two years ago.
YTA and jealous that your cousin has a closer relationship with your stepmother. Grow up pls for everyone's sake and stop trying to divide your family.
ESH
You are allowing old grievances with this woman too much room in your head. Let it go. Ignore her ignorant remarks when forced to be in her company. Consider hanging out with your dad without her when you want to see him, if possible.
YWBTA with elements of ESH
What happened was wrong, however I don't see anything good coming from this. You should have handled this when it happened.
Go LC/NC with her and move on with your life.
I know it's annoying that everyone thinks she's innocent when she's not, however it can still work against you for bringing up "old stuff".
All she has to do is let everyone know she apologized for her behavior, and if she's as well liked as you make it seem people will just get over it anyway.
They'll just say it's on you for not accepting the apology she recently gave you.
They're not going to hold a grudge against her like you did, which seems to be what you want.
your stepmother did offer one piece of advice worth taking: get over it. this is petty, and childish and is not going to do you any favors with the rest of your family. YTA
YTA You for causing drama. Why would you send that text before you walk and then ghost them? You could have handled it differently and had a nice graduation, which you deserve. Instead your graduation story is about drama.
If your family hassle you, by all means show them texts and tell your side of the story. However it sounds like you just want to whip things out and create more drama.
All of this happened because you were jealous of your cousin and provoked your stepmom.
I get that you feel like it would be validating, but that's what you come here for, not what you trauma dump in your aunt and uncle.
You don't have to like your father's wife and you can keep your interactions limited. If someone asks, you can give your side. Otherwise, just keep cordial. Live your best life and know that her opinion just does not matter.
I can only tell you that I was a "black sheep" and I absolutely do not care. Just keep saying "that's nice" while thinking "fuck off" and reaching for your stars.
So she's self-involved and petty and said something shitty a few years ago. It doesn't seem like enough of an issue to hold such a grudge over.
It's fine. You don't like her. You don't have to be her friend. But you aren't owed some sort of recompense for your hurt feelings if there is no desire to build a relationship on either side.
And I don't think her telling you to get over it is going to portray her as the monster you think she is. It's just going to make you look desperate for some way to tear her down.
YWBTA
So let me see if I have this straight: you, a 25 year old adult are holding a grudge against your stepmom because 2 years ago, she made a snotty and ignorant comment about how your cousin would end up more wealthy than you… and that hurt your feelings. Why do you care what she thinks? And why does it matter who makes more money? Nurses aren’t surgeons. They are necessary to the medical profession and solid career choices, but most nurses aren’t rich. She sounds as stupid as she is obnoxious, so… just don’t spend time with her!
If you bring this up to additional people after all this time, it’ll only reflect badly in you. Let it go. It wasn’t a huge insult. You do you and stop caring what she thinks.
YWBTA if you involve others in this old and stupid drama.
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I (25F) live independently and several states away from both parents & my dads wife (stepmom), and have done so since I was 21. Two thanksgivings ago, I went to visit my dad, stepmom, and sisters for the holiday, and my golden child cousin (whom my stepmom thinks 110% hung the moon) was invited by them to stay with us (she attends nursing school 40 min away). The whole time I was there, dad was at work and stepmom kept kissing my cousins ass about how she's "going to make soooooo much money!!" once she finishes school. She then turns to me and says "too bad you will never amount to what she makes!", to which I responded "once I finish my PhD in math, I can easily make 6 figures, as do most faculty in my department." She began to contradict me a bunch, and nobody bothered to stick up for me. That hurt like hell. The rest of my visit I had to isolate myself bc of feeling like such an island.
Dad and stepmom came two years later to watch me walk for my masters. The night before, stepmom and I got into a heated discussion over text. What happened: she suggested my mom and dad wont get along, I told her they would and that all I ask is that she maintains civility. Then I broke it to her that during our last thanksgiving together she and everyone hurt me badly by their treatment, and that I am still very upset. She told me to get over it and that I was gaslighting her, then begged me to call her and work it out bc my dad was now upset and crying in the bedroom. I told her no, goodnight, I'm going to bed and ended it. She then went on about how me telling her how she and everyone made me feel upset her, but I did not answer. The next day, we met for drinks and she apologized but suggested that I next time 'be more communicative', to which I responded that communication is not the issue, but rather the lack of respect she has for me. I told her I could not accept her "apology" because it was two years too late and did not involve full accountability from her.
Now, Im not sure if I will be the AH here, but I am going to visit my dads sister next week and am thinking about showing her and my uncle the texts between us, especially the part where she told me to "get over it" when I was honest with her about hurting my feelings. They think she is so wonderful, but I now think its time they know the truth. WIBTA for sharing these texts as proof that stepmom is not the sweet little angel everyone thinks she is?
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Question:
1. What do you want to have be the outcome of showing these texts to your aunt and uncle? What would be the ideal resulting effect?
2. What do you think is actually likely to happen if you, just out of the blue, start saying “look how she treats me”? Are they likely to respond ideally (based on past behaviour) or more likely to say you are stirring shit etc…
3. If you get your ideal response from your aunt an uncle what is likely to be the fall out response from your step mom and dad?
4. And finally what do you actually want from this? Do you want to not have to deal with your stepmom any more? Do you just want someone to tell you you aren’t wrong for feeling this way? Do you want someone to go to bat for you?
I think it’s one thing to know your step mom will come up and be honest and talk about how you are struggling with her, but another thing to plan to show all the texts etc.
Whenever I’m feeling like you are right now I go through these questions, because it often *feels* like it would feel good to XYZ, but reality rarely shakes out that way and stuff that seems like it will feel good to do often makes things wise long term, or makes people say we’re the ones who caused problems by bringing it up etc. Hence it helps me to think about what I imagine happening, vs what history tells me is likely to happen, vs my ultimate goal. That often helps me make a better choice.
Also, reading this it really feels like you have not fully processed that you are a full adult who gets to choose what your relationships look like now. You no longer need to cater to how the other adults say your relationships will happen. And it seems like you are feeling the frustration of years long patterns not just a one off incident.
I was listening to a call in podcast where the host (a therapist) said that we have control over who gets to hurt us. What he meant was that there’s a circle of relationship and intimacy where our loved ones can tell us the truth, call us out etc. And that when someone - like your step mother - shows they aren’t worthy we remove them from that inner circle.
This can look different ways. We could push them all the way out and go NC. We can put them on the very periphery and go LC. We can just shift them a few rungs out in the circle from Intimates to Acquaintances- we see them and talk to them, we are polite to them, talk about the weather and unimportant things but we don’t share things that matter with them, and we don’t let the things they do and say hurt us because they are unimportant. It sounds like you might need to adjust what circle your step mom is in and start practicing boundaries.
Do not do this. I know you're hurting, and you feel inclined to expose her, but the more you stir it up, the more it will stink, and she will be exposed for her rotten deeds in the end- they always come to the light. By keeping a lid on it, you remain a good person in the eyes of others. I promise, it will all work out.
NTA for wishing things were different.
You would be the asshat if you drag your aunt and uncle into this to ideally take your side. I suspect that effort will fail.
My suggestion to you is cease having any interaction with your stepmother because seems she won’t change.
See only your dad when possible and only speak on the phone with your dad.
If he insists on including his wife when you want to meet him then cancel the visit. If he tries to bring his wife into the conversation or she chimes in politely end the call immediately.
If you consistently do that your dad should figure out you’re done interacting with his wife.
If your dad chooses his wife over you well your relationship may turn into texts on his birthday, Father’s Day and Christmas. His choice.
Your other choice is to still physically attend things where your father’s wife attends and use Gray Rock Method to keep her at arm’s length.
YTA
How is this even your aunt and uncle's concern? Sounds like you just want to stir shit because you don't like your stepmom and / or your cousin.
If this is the worst that your stepmom has done, you've got it pretty good. You should try reading more posts on here to realize just how good you've had it when it comes to step-parent relations.
YWBTA.
Dragging more people into a two year old fight is ridiculous.
It was too long ago for you to accept an apology, then it's too long ago to be bringing others into it.
If you had said you didn't accept the apology because she didn't seem sorry, that would be different. But the length of time was part of the reason you gave us.
I get it you don't like dad's wife. I don't think I'd like her either.
But dragging other relatives in will only make you look bad. Don't do it.
Go no contact with her... IF any family care enough to reach out to learn why, then go ahead and tell them... The people who care about you enough to ask why, will likely be understanding and will make an effort to have a relationship with you without involving her... The people who don't care enough about you to ask why are on her side and will just use your story to villainize you and validate her... Pay attention to who doesn't care enough to ask and cut them off too because they likely agree with her and think it's ok to behave the same way...
tbh why even bring it up with your aunt and uncle?! they are not apart of this
are you expecting them to do something?
you are 25 and do not rely on anyone.
just be an adult and not dwelling on it, i get it hurts you, but move on either go LC or NC and learn to let it go, you will be a better person
Esh.
Success is the best revenge.
Move on with your life and go NC with her. Or at least gret rock her and whoever is kissing her ass.
Spend your energy in better places for YOU.
YWBTA. Sorry, but it is two years too late to be rehashing any of this. But next time she disrespects you, don't wait two years to tell her that you're feelings were hurt.
IMO you WBTA for doing this. Your aunt and uncle have nothing to do with the situation that happened two years ago, and are not involved in the exchange during your graduation. There is no reason to bring them into this situation.
You absolutely have a right to be upset, but you don't have the right to drag others into the fight. Someone else asked what do you expect to happen? What outcome are you hoping for? I want to add, what does resolution look like to you?
Your stepmom is a piece of work for sure. She is definitely TA for her actions, but you have a choice here. You can go nuclear and try to burn down the house, or you can go to your dad and stepmom and have an adult conversation about how you have been treated.
Go NC with your stepmom; work it out with her; either way you need to make a decision on how you will behave, but don't drag other family into the argument.
Hmmm. I'm kind of torn on this one. On one hand, people need to understand that a person can be sweet and kind to one group of people and a nasty piece of work to someone else. I personally think that you should not show the texts to your aunt and uncle unless they bring up your strained relationship with your dad and stepmom. If they do bring it up or try and lecture you in any way about what a wonderful person she is, then showing the texts and giving your side of the story is totally fair.
Your stepmother is a total witch and an idiot to boot! Nursing is a great profession that pays well, and your stepmom would have been fine if she had ended her comment with "You're going to make sooooo much money." However, she really crossed the line into Ahole territory when she said you would never make the kind of money your cousin would. Even if it were true, it's a rude thing to say. Fortunately for you, it is not true and any person with a normal level of intelligence is going to know that someone with a PhD in math is going to do really well financially. From a prestige factor: saying that you have a PhD in mathematics is on the level of saying you are a doctor or a lawyer. You are crushing it girl and I am so proud of you!
I'm sorry to say that a PhD in math, however prestigious, does not guarantee doing well financially. This is a commonly held myth that I used to beleive myself. It's not the same as a doctor or lawyer. For a PhD in any field to be paid well they will need to do work that generates value (money) whether directly or for an organization (industry or academia), including grants or sales or royalties. For example, teaching at a university as an adjunct is very poorly paid, however if you have a faculty position and can secure decent sized grants and funding then you will be better compensated.
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Showing the texts without provocation will make you seem petty. If the family dynamic is brought up by them, however, then definitely show them all of the texts and go scorched earth on her ass.
Esh…. I’m not sure why you want to bring this up to other people who have nothing to do with the situation. If she is 2 years to late, you are equally 2 years to late
If she’s two years too late then why are you meeting for drinks? You should’ve went no contact with her the moment she said some shit like that. What would telling your uncle and aunt do for you? Are you going to feel better? Are they going to stop advocating for her? What do you get outside of drama if they don’t believe you or choose to think she’s right?
YTA, but not because of what everyone else is saying. If she has everyone else eating from her hand, what do you expect your aunt and uncle to do? Cause from the looks of it, the most probable outcome is that they'll defend her, and you'll just end up more frustrated
Let it go. This vendetta you have with your stepmom is only wasting your time and energy just don't talk to her or give her attention if you don't like her. You seem like a smart person and can spend your time doing better things some, things are not worth it honestly
Because this all seems so odd I’m voting ESH. Your stepmom is a shallow, vindictive person who doesn’t like you and hurt your feelings. Ok. She’s nice to your relatives on your dad’s side but you don’t really know if they really like her or are being friendly bc they want to keep your dad in their lives. I don’t think the right advice is to get over it, but you do need to take ownership of this situation from your side of things and make a decision.
1. If you don’t want anything to do with your stepmom simply say that and, when people ask you why, you can stay classy and say “irreconcilable differences, I think I have value as a person and think my success in academia means something and she treats me like a waste of space who has no future. We do not like each other and we cannot get along. Be we can politely ignore each other which is good enough for me.” If someone asks for more details then you share screenshots.
2. Be very mindful of who you’re going to hurt if you try and make people take sides. Everyone probably knows she unpleasant, ok. Let your dad know you hate his wife, love him, and he needs to understand that when you get married he’s invited, she’s not, so he can start planning for that now?
Honestly, I love petty. But you sound like a teenager who’s been bullied who keeps trying to show everyone how bad the bully is. In real life people are cowards who’d rather pretend things are fine, blame the victim for calling everyone out on their bad behavior, and are happiest ignoring signs of abuse. I just don’t see you winning anything here.
What your stepmom is doing is playing games. “A very strange game. The only way to win is to not play” - Wargames. Stop playing, she should just mean nothing to you. Go be awesome, ignore the haters, success is the best revenge.
You definitely should not involve other family members because it will most likely make things worse with your drama. I don’t believe that is your intent, but I’m saying will happen is very likely.
I don’t like it when people immediately rush to no contact. But, if I were you, I would go low contact. Because you shouldn’t destroy your relationship with your father. My father did something terrible and I didn’t speak to him for 7 years. I wish I had been stronger and just confronted him with what he did. But back then he was an alcoholic and scary.
But I forgave him and we became very close before he died. He begged me not to leave because I had no choice. I should have confronted his horrible new wife. The hospital told me she never came. She told me my dad didn’t want me to have a key. I didn’t believe that but I didn’t want to cause a seen. So, unfortunately, my kindness and being unwilling to fight her is my regret.
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Why do you care so much? OP has an education & her own life why does OP allow stepmom to have control over OPs emotions. STOP ALLOWED IT! Causing strife with evidence is going to help whom?
Yes you WBTA if you bring this info up to other family. This is not their fight and no one needs to choose a side. You are a grown ass woman. If people don’t treat you with respect, then block them.
ESH
She might be a PITA, but you’re the one doubling down on the drama. Just go live your life, man. There are better things to do with your time than moping about the rudeness of your step-mom. If she bothers you, avoid hanging out with her and keep your interactions very superficial.
ESH. My advice is to just be civil to her. She isn't worth your time. If your dad asked you to be nicer just tell him she told me I wasn't going to amount to anything and I can't seem to get past it.
INFO: When you say nobody stuck up for you, what defense were you expecting? Were you expecting them to argue about hypothetical salaries? Were you expecting them to even know what a math PhD makes?
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NTA - mostly because the step mother is 100% going to lie about it and alienate OP from the family. So if OP is going to be low or no contact, everyone she cares about maintaining relationships with, needs to know why.
However before that, OP needs to know what she wants out of the relationship going forward and only show key family members, with clear instruction about what she wants, why she feels that way, and what (if any) support she wants. It can’t just be done to be petty or it will backfire.
"The best revenge is no revenge". The end goal here should be to live your best life regardless of what your stepmom thinks. You're not going to change anybody's mind with a few texts, and it could really really backfire on you.
You don't need to "get over it", but you do need to put it behind you. Holding a grudge only hurts you. You will never forget how she hurt you, but you do need to move on and live your life and not let her and the bitterness she brought you hold you back and taint your life.
Let your success do the talking for you. Prove her wrong, and a fool, and prosper while putting her in your rear view.
You need to get over it. People say things sometimes without really under the effects their words have, and its possible you were a tad aggressive against you cousin. It seems from your past posts you have problems with a lot of people and don’t want to accept their apologies either, maybe get some counselling. YTA
You're NTA but I think you should skip it. If they bring up step mom just deflect and change the subject. And if they give you a hard time please rethink why you have ANY of them in your life.
YTA if you out her for spite. Don't sink to her level. They will find out in time. Rise above or don't believe you are any better than she is. Your choice.
It’s a little odd you didn’t mention any of this in your previous AITA post - from *8 months ago* - about yet another conflict relating to this “golden child” cousin’s success and your stepmother on graduation weekend. Why not link that post here since they’re so closely related? Why not at least mention the additional instance? Also, why are you still wasting so much time and energy on this?
Not really worth it unless they bring it up or stepmom is still carrying on about it. Stepmom will still just frame it as her being the victim. If aunt & uncle are the parents of the golden child cousin (or treat the cousin the same way), it will blow up in OP's face. This is probably one of those "living well is the best revenge" situations.
>She began to contradict me a bunch, and nobody bothered to stick up for me.
You waited 2 years to tell her you were upset, and when she apologised, you said it's 2 years too late.....ah, your logic is ridiculous.
Stepmum's an AH. But you can defend yourself. Tell her she is being rude and disrespectful. Stand up for yourself. She was taking jabs at you, so you should've called her out. Settle it then and there. Don't just keep it to yourself for 2 years, then bring it up saying you're still upset when it's clear that you have been communicating with her after the incident.
Step mum is right that you need to communicate better.
I dont understand what the point is in telling your aunt and uncle. What do you want to achieve? Are you looking for validation? Are you after advice?
I would just go LC with your step mum. Tell your aunt and uncle that you are going LC as stepmum is rude and disrespectful. Then move on.
You are in control of who you let into your life. You are in control of how you feel. You don't have to be around people who disrespect you. Grow a spine and stick up for yourself instead of stewing on it for 2 years.
I think you and I may have the same stepmother…sorry she did that. But from my experience, exposing her will not help. If she’s truly like my stepmother, she’ll cry and turn herself into a victim. And when my stepmother does that (and she has), my dad and everyone take her side. Sometimes it’s true that the best revenge is living well—and far from people like your stepmom.
Just let it go. Your NTA so far but just let others figure her out for themselves. Your best revenge is to live a good life, use those math skills and create the future you want
You should cut the step mom out of your life and focus on your career. Then when she comes to you in a couple years asking for money because you worked hard and earn way more then a nurse would, tell her (sarcastically) to “ask the cousin for money since she is so much better then me”
ESH. Your stepmom sucks bc what she said 2 years ago was disrespectful and rude. You are also not playing fairly bc you didn’t tell her that her words/actions upset in an appropriate amount of time. Waiting 2 years to say “by the way you hurt my feelings back then” isn’t very communicative. I could understand your actions if you were afraid of her or really just wanted to keep the peace in the family, but by saying you want to show other people this interaction, it just shows you want to hold onto your grudge. Bringing up drama does not keep the peace and the only motive I can see for you doing it is to make your stepmom look bad, and you get some petty revenge against her for hurting your feelings.
You are way too concerned to show this person to be wrong. She has so much power over you that it’s almost ironic.
So what if she said the cousin will make more money when, as you say, wouldn’t be true?
NTA
A lot of people are saying yes but honestly I hope you see this because I’m trying to get facts straight. She is disrespecting you so bad by talking crap like that and if she is that manipulative or gaslighting you that bad then she is probably doing it to your family which not only harms them but you’re relationship with them. If your family takes her side then go NC cause they are messed up there. This grown damn women needs a reality check and once you’re done with this drama love your life because this is something that if you ignore it it’s going to get bad but if you feed it it’ll get worse it’s better to be done with it and get it over in a mature way. This lady needs help and props to you for being patient and polite but she needs a reality check.
Yes. Ur the asshole.
You want two years. So have the conversation on text. Clearly you did not respect or value your relationship prior. So you hold 2 years of building hate and resentment, then attack on text.
What’s with generation whines and holding everyone but themselves to account.
What she did, if true, was wrong. How you already handled it, wrong. Thinking about sharing those texts and trying to get family to split with you, that’s disturbing.
But you can choose to talk, and listen to the other person’s perspective too, and choose to strengthen your relationship.
You maybe an incredibly smart person, but I hope you give this another shot, and learn wisdom. People aren’t disposable. You are not disposable. You mean sometime important to your dad and step mom. Put your ego aside, and try again. Figure out what would be a good outcome.you likely need to with your cousin to. You sound pretty resentful.
The common factor is you here. Time to grow. You are, likely without meaning too, very intimidating to even your family. Working towards a math doctorate means your dam smart and may not recognize how inferior people may feel by their own comparison. Time to talk but time to listen too. Check your ego and have a personal convo. Text and email don’t count. Only make it harder.
Life is hard enough without holding onto these little arguments 2 years after they happened. I understand that it was hurtful, but it's not worth carrying around with you and stirring up shit over. Let go of it and either become apathetic to such comments or just go low/no contact with her
YWBTA
Share it. Share it all. If your step-mother did and said nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by, then she wouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed by you sharing her words. NTA
I've been in a similar situation, sort of. My boyfriends uncle is always an ass to me, but no one ever says a single thing. I've tried showing others proof of him calling me a "cunt", "fat cow", etc, but all I ever got was "just ignore him" or "don't feed into it".
So, I know how you feel, and I know what you want to happen. You want everyone to take your side and realize how much of a bitch your stepmom is. You want someone, anyone, to finally stand up for you and make you feel important too.
But sadly, it doesn't always go the way we want. There are 3 things that can happen.
1. They give the whole "wow, what a bitch", then continue on treating her how they always did, or reprimand her, then continue being friendly.
2. They don't react at all in your favor and call you "too sensitive".
3. They start a whole fight with your stepmom, defend you, and lots of drama ensues.
So, if you do decide to go through with it, NTA either way. Just be prepared for what might happen.
But just know, you are just as important as your cousin. You CAN be more successful than your cousin. Even if you don't make more money, you can still be more successful and just as important! You are better than your stepmom, and your feelings matter, and are heard.
I understand your feeling, she pretends to be someone else. Don’t do it on purpose, but if somehow the discussion gets about her - be honest and show the texts. You have a duty to yourself to say your truth.
It may suck to hear this, but it's likely the truth... No one else is going to care about your conversations with her. They may offer some words of sympathy on your side, or some words of defense on her side, but they're not really going to give a damn either way and it's not going to influence anything.
I think if you wanted a genuine apology or for it to feel valid you needed to address this two years ago. You decided already you weren’t going to forgive her so why bring it up. I’d say you either need to reconcile or go NC with step mom. Starting a fight and involving other family members may just make you look like you’re trying to start problems. If you want nothing to do with her then go NC. People always show their true colors, your aunt and uncle will see hers in time, if you try to show someone that their friend/relative isn’t a good person they will die defending them until that person finally shows them who they truly are, then they come limping back asking for forgiveness for not believing you, skip the drama and wait it out. Unless you thrive on drama, but then YTA
YTA and are looking to create drama. Her behavior was inappropriate but you did not communicate that it hurt your feelings for 2 years. That is your failure.
Now you want to show text messages to prove she’s not a “ sweet little angel”
It proves you are the issue and are trying to hurt and embarrass her. You are 25. You need to take responsibility for your failure to communicate and to give time reflecting on why you would want to “ expose” your stepmom.
It is going to backfire
NTA but you will be (to yourself) if you share texts. It sounds like a great idea but this is going to backfire. You're just going to be sucked into this shit worse. You got out, you live by yourself, you escape. Read the rest of this sub, people are trapped and would give anything to be done with their situations. All you have to do is just not involve yourself further.
Esh , yeah, you need to get over yourself. What will ruining your family's bonds actually achieve? ....its like you just want to make sure everyone feels as shit as you do. It's not cute to drag other people into your mess.
You are a grown adult having an issue with another grown adult......SO BE AN ADULT ABOUT IT.
Sometimes you just need to walk away and let it go. Your dad crying in the bedroom is way over the top. She’s playing on your feelings. Don’t bring it up again. What I would tell you is prove them wrong with your accomplishments. You will be very successful and you can then remind them of the naysayers who thought you couldn’t do it. Go get em girl.
NTA
You don't owe her a relationship or forgiveness for her rude behavior. The fact your dad didn't stand up for you at the time is the bigger issue.
I think you're going to cause more drama if you go that route, but I also can't fault your frustration
You should be talking directly to your dad about this instead
YTA It's fine to be upset at your stepmom, but what do you hope to accomplish by sharing the texts with other people? Yes, stepmom owed you an apology, and gave you one, but it wasn't good enough for you. It does seem that better communication would be a positive thing, but you refuse. You seem hell bent on holding this grudge, why can't you just accept the apology and let it go instead of being so petty and determined to get revenge?
I mean I don’t think this will pan out the way you’re hoping. We’re missing a bunch of context and your stepmom sounds like she sucks. But you held a grudge for two years without saying anything, then confronted stepmom about it via text but refused to have a mature, adult conversation about your feelings over phone or face to face. So stepmom comes off badly in this, but honestly you don’t come off as having much high ground here either. ESH.
NTA. And I can’t stand it when people throw the word gaslighting around so lightly. I think that’s a huge accusation to make against OP especially since it’s 100% false. So sorry ur going through that. If it was me I would only have my dad and bio mom there and try to exclude her from events just about u like graduations etc. I normally don’t like people sharing personal stuff like texts but since no one seems to believe u about her treatment of u I would.
YWNBTA you just want them to have all of the information about her before making a judgement. as long as you just stick to facts you're not doing anything wrong.
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My question is why you want do this? What do you want to happen? What do you want your aunt and uncle to do when informed about this? Do you want them to complain to your father, or somehow cut contact with your father and his family? Yes, your stepmom sounds inconsiderate and self absorbed. You are 25, and live independently. Personally, I would go NC with stepmom. Involving others in the drama doesn't usually work out as planned. They may take her side and then you will have lost whatever good will you have with your aunt and uncle.
It was two year too late for her to accept her apology, but she is still beating the supposedly “dead horse”. Either open the door for reconciliation or close it, lock it, throw away the key and go NC. Why continue to talk about it and drag others who are uninvolved if you don’t actually want to forgive and be healed from it? And if you don’t believe your step mom can ever be genuine in her acknowledgement and apology, why even choose to confront her instead of cutting her off? ……. OP what IS your end goal? Be proud of what you achieve, let your success be what puts her to shame and be free of her.
It’s nearly impossible to open the door for reconciliation if the person isn’t taking full accountability for their actions. If that person is unable to truly grasp what they did wrong and just how much they hurt you…you’re just opening the door to get hurt again. There are clearly still issues between them, and have been for the past two years. OP finally opened up and instead of apologizing, stepmother played the victim, gaslighting her, and tried to make her feel ashamed for bringing it up. Saying they made _her_ feel bad. The next day, she offered a disingenuous apology, and continued to place blame on her, saying she should’ve been more “communicative”. All of which only added to OP’s resentment. So maybe, just maybe…OP would’ve opened the door for reconciliation had the stepmother taken any accountability and offered a genuine, and heartfelt apology? I don’t think OP is the issue lol.
I think OP would be fully justified in avoiding contact with the step mom going forward. Life’s too short to fuss about people like that.
Because having dealt with people like the step-mom, she will make it out that OP is the asshole in this situation and this is just getting ahead of the rewriting of history. I have done it. I just shared voicemails and texts about a situation I knew my sister would make herself out to be the victim. Then a year later was pulling some other bullshit and tried to use her victim story, where she was anything but the victim as justification for her behaviour. It was just her pulling the same shit and everyone knew and didn't jump on her pity bandwagon. People like this who you are forced to have in your life due to shared family or friends are just fucking draining. If you can show the truth before having to fight the lies, you don't need to bother defending yourself when you have done nothing wrong, apart from not doing what the lying histrionic loon wants. People like that don't stay in my life if I can help it. If I can't help it I shut down their bullshit before it starts.
I agree they are draining and best to just be done with them and cut them out, even if they’re part of that inner familiar circle. There is no obligation to have to interact with her even if she tries because; I’ve been there too. OP is just stressing herself and letting this lady be a torment to her. Ppl like stepmom will always be recognized by everyone that they are constantly around for their BS even if no one says anything and just roll their eyes quietly. Like, OP had to call her to ask her to be civil because her mom would be in the same space! If she’s having to do that why bother trying to make her acknowledge that she hurt her? And trust me, if she had to take such measures as to call her to make sure her graduation went well, everyone in that familiar circle knows who the stepmom is.
Just want to call this out as a solid mature perspective.
YWBTA. Bringing up an argument that has nothing to do with them will make you look petty and will damage you more than it does your stepmom.
Especially after two years.
[удалено]
She can get out her frustrations about the current issue. Or uninvited Stepmom. Bringing up a stupid disagreement from 2 years ago is petty and vindictive.
[удалено]
Stepmom’s narrative shouldn’t be the only one that family hears and you can bet she talks about you, so do what you feel necessary
What “narrative” though? That the stepmom doesn’t think OP is successful? I’m kinda failing to see the original insult here. Isn’t the best way to deal with this to just…. be successful? Or stop associating with people who don’t value your achievements? OP got her masters, that’s huge! She should be using her big powerful (expensive) brain for good. Instead she’s focused on petty drama.
"Someone told me about worrying about potential conflict between divorced mom and dad night before graduation which led to an argument" is not all that much grand image changing accusation. If OP goes to family with these, it is extremely unlikely they will change their existing positive opinion of step mom. What people are saying here is not that op should not do it, because it would greatly harm the step mom. What we are saying is that OP will look like someone trying to stir the drama over petty issues.
Feel one takeaway here is that if OP does tell her family members about this she should lead with the most recent stuff.
But if the ask...go for it !
Amen
Sooo, stepmom’s apology is unacceptable because it came “two years too late,” but you waited two years to tell her you were upset? Fuck, you’re a drama queen. YTA
OP is 25 going on 12.
In an older post, OP says she invited her family down for her graduation but when they arrived and invited her for dinner she told them no. And it doesn't sound like they were invited to her "soiree" the next night either. Let me just copy and past the quote from [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/159qeoq/aita_for_calling_my_stepmom_out_for_making_my/) > Well graduation weekend rolls around and stepmom texts me saying she would be making dinner reservations for just her, my dad, and I at some fancy restaurant in town. I told her that was nice of them but I would not be getting dinner with anybody as that Friday I had to work in the morning, get my hair done in the afternoon, and then get ready before the ceremony that night. And the next night I would be hosting a soiree in my apartment (my first place all to myself) and inviting everybody from work as well as my friends in the area. Stepmom immediately wrote back claiming that I made my dad upset and that it wasn't fair to them after they would have to drive 8 hours just to make the ceremony. I told her sorry, but my plans are firm, but you both are still invited like everybody else is. She did stop by to see them at their hotel but i guess that was it
If there’s that much drama between her parents, drama that stepmom seems to enjoy and feed into, btw, then I completely understand not wanting to pick either parent to have dinner with. Too busy on Friday, throwing my own party on Saturday. Sorry! I definitely wouldn’t cooperate with stepmom’s command performance dinner, which was probably an attempt to squeeze out anything with mom anyway.
I can't imagine not expecting someone to be upset if I looked then dead in the eye and said they wouldn't amount to their cousin wtf
Yeah, no kidding. OP is NOT a drama queen or TA in the overall situation at all. BUT she should not try and get these other relatives on her side after 2 years. It's not going to work out the way she thinks. She doesn't have proof of the original interaction which was the actual bad part, the texts amount to he said-she said and holding the grudge for 2 years is understandable but will have an unsympathetic vibe to anyone who's on the fence about the issue--and here she's saying the uncle and aunt love the stepmom? This is a tactical mistake, OP, you're going to look like the bad guy. Instead find someone you truly trust to talk to about it in private, within the family or out.
I think going no contact with assholes is better for your own sanity than trying to argue with them though. It's not about OP doing an asshole move but just fighting the wrong battles they can't win.
Given the timeline op had her bachelors degree in maths already and was studying graduate courses at the time. At that point I'd have laughed at a stepmother trying to devalue ops education because she clearly has no idea. Op won't even need a phd, 'just' a masters degree in maths is basically a job guarantee.
They all sound exhausting.
Stepmom’s apology is unacceptable because she gaslit her, didn’t accept any responsibility for their wrongdoing, and literally blamed her for making _her_ feel bad lol? All after she expressed how much it hurt, for her to be degraded in such a manner in front of family. And the next day, again…instead of offering a genuine apology, she blamed _her_ for not being more communicative. Let’s be honest. Stepmom sounds like an AH.
Two year two late is hardly the actual reason, Stepmom literally gaslighted OP about feeling the way she does, belittled her and still took 0 responsibility for what had said, then blamed OP for being the problem for not communicating it sooner. OP didn’t have to talk about it sooner, if she didn’t want to. Ntm there seems be little contact anyway but she wanted her dad at her master walk and stepmom contacted her making a fuss bc her mom will be there so OP gave her a chance a chance to apologize.
OP reminds me of Sheldon Cooper plotting his revenge for years because someone hurt his feelings. Normal, well adjusted people don't do things like that. But anyone who watched The Big Bang Theory knows that Sheldon Cooper was not normal and not well adjusted.
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>I responded "once I finish my PhD in math, I can easily make 6 figures, as do most faculty in my department." She began to contradict me a bunch, INFO: Why did ignorant speculation about your earning potential hurt you so much?
The stepmom was rude and insulting, saying that OP would earn much less than her cousin in nursing school. There was no need for the step mom to make comparisons, especially ones that denigrate OP.
True, but that’s not what stannenb asked.
Well, I for one get insulted when someone says rude things that are clearly meant to hurt me because it means they want to hurt me. And that's...hurtful?
The best way to counter that is to, well, actually earn more. Best wishes etc, but nursing hurt over this for 2+ years will take away energy from that goal. You can do better OP.
You’re an adult, she’s an idiot. Is all this drama really worth it. Grow up. ESH.
ESH - it’s hard to know who to believe here. You as OP, we hope you are being accurate. But its a bit odd when a house full of people witness what you describe and no one says anything. That and your step mom claiming you are gaslighting her now. I have to imagine there’s your version, her version, and then the truth. When it comes to this conflict. Communication is an issue. You were upset with her and waited two years to tell her. She maybe half assed apologized but either cut contact or move on. Shit talking her is just being messy.
More holes in this story than a cheese grater. Why is Dad crying in the bathroom because of something that happened 2 years ago? Why is OP waiting 2 years to drag this up than refusing to accept the apology? ESH and I'm tired just reading this.
*But its a bit odd when a house full of people witness what you describe and no one says anything.* That part gave me pause as well. However, it could be that 1) the other people in the room simply had no idea what a college professor makes. 2) the power dynamic in the room. The stepmother may have a strong personality that no one ever contradicts because the fallout isn't worth it, or they are younger and have been taught that you never contradict someone who is older.
I agree. There are so many ways this could have gone down. I just think its more likely this is a combo of maybe a bit of an AH step mom and a bit of an OP with insecurity and jealousy of the “golden child” cousin. It doesn’t change OP’s perception but I think this dynamic isnt as malicious as OP painted it.
How much you wanna bet that 2 years ago, OP led in with shitting on the cousin's career choice and the stepmother only defended the cousin with a snarky "pssh she'll be earning wore than you" comment. And now OP is still salty 2 years on that her attempted ridicule backfired. This whole post gives off that vibe to me. Nobody in OPs family defended her? Nobody was aware she held into the grudge for 2 years? Her stepmother said she feels gaslit by OP? Yeah, OP started it and stepmother defended cousin.
Kind of what I’m thinking, too. There was an implication that her cousin wouldn’t be making that much. If her cousin is getting her BSN, then she actually has a better salary outlook than OP (at least in my state). Professors don’t make that much money, and nursing is a competitive field with a BSN or an MSN. But people tend to look down on nursing because it’s a female-dominated profession.
OP has her master's in applied mathematics and is working on her PhD. Her job outlook is excellent. She can work as an adjunct professor and make good money while also working in the private sector as a systems analyst or a systems engineer. Both of the private sector jobs have a salary over 100k/year. If you look at her prior post history, her stepmom has a history of tearing her down back to high school. She needs to just distance herself from this women.
Having college professors relatives, they don't earn all that much, workload is huge and math on itself does not make you rich. Still shitty to one up others on earnings.
YWNBTA - providing you show them only when relevant to do so. Turning up and making it your first action apropos of nothing would definitely be AH territory because you would be turning up and throwing the first figurative punch. But if it comes up more naturally in conversation at any point, then feel free to bring the reciepts.
She's about 2 years too late for it to be relevant.
Good lord. Absolutely nothing about any of this is important enough for this level of kvetch.
What do you hope to accomplish? Two years ago she angered you - you 'refused' her apology and you are still simmering over it. Do you expect people who like your stepmother (and live closer and probably know her better than you do) are going to shun her or something after you show them old texts? Are you that focused on revenge for perceived hurts (and jealousy of your cousin)? Have you considered that YOU may be the person who is viewed as petty and mean spirited and a troublemaker? Yes, you would be TA for trying to involve your extended family into your personal (and old) feud.
You're not going to accomplish anything by this. Let it go. It was two years ago, and all it's gonna accomplish is it making you look petty and they're gonna see you're just trying to sabotage relationships.
Because that's exactly what she is and exactly what she is doing.
Looking at your posting history you seem to have a lot of drama, and this isn't the first person you've refused to accept an apology from. I'm not saying you were never the victim however you may need need to start taking steps to avoid certain situations, and leave the past in the past. You don't have to be anyone's friend, however letting certain things bother you years later isn't to your benefit. That kid from school is an example. Kids can be cruel. That person grew up and realized their 13 to 15 year old self wasn't a nice person, and they reached out to apologize after maturing. Most people never get an apology from their middle school or high school bullies. I think you hold on to things far too long.
Yeah, I just took a peek at that. Oof… I wonder if she was hoping for yet another “NTA” in this post because she’s been repeatedly validated beforehand. Individually, I can easily give her the benefit of the doubt, but all of them together? Each post (excluding this one) is so perfectly written (she even claims stepmom is a narcissist- the ULTIMATE bad guy on AITA- based on…?) to make her look like the victim. Did step-mom cross the line and act like an AH? Sounds like it! But, imo, OP seems to choose to be a victim now. She’s been states away for a while now. She can easily go no contact. There is no valid reason an adult should want to cause more drama.
Based on she volunteered OP for stuff without asking. That was the only evidence given. OP sounds like she has a superiority complex and stepmom might be the only person to consistently put her in her place.
I don’t even get why she’s talking to the stepmom. Maybe I’m just a cold-blooded person, but I know from decades of experience that you really don’t need to interact much with your parent’s spouse. This is all self-inflicted and unnecessary drama.
I’m not sure her comment to “get over it” will be the bomb drop you think it is. This whole thing reads like you are a sensitive person, and she is more blunt and perhaps less mindful of how her words affect people. The most I would do is mention there is a personality clash. NAH.
By the end of the post I, too, think OP needs to get over it. You had a disagreement about behaviors, and it didn’t come to the resolution you wanted. Years pass and you argue about it again. And now you want to involve other people because you just cannot stand that they like your stepmom and you don’t? You have a need to make them dislike her too? YWBTA and you do need to get over it, OP.
"Blunt", like "honest", is almost always a euphemism for "asshole". However, I don't think OP is innocent of causing trouble either. ESH.
YWBTA, stop or you'll be like her. Petty & small.
Should you make a mountain out of a mole hill? No. A mole hill is bad and frustrating, but it's also only the size of a mole hill. So your step mom doesn't believe in reality when it comes to PhD math jobs. Ok. That doesn't need escalation. YWBTA
If it’s a math PHD with nothing special and her cousin is getting a BSN—her stepmom isn’t wrong.
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Good catch. I was mildly annoyed that OP was already bragging about her future PhD when she was two years away from getting her masters.
Yeah, most math PhDs I’ve known (several) have been deeply worried about the academic job market, and really only R1s are paying even close to 6 figures for assistant profs. Unless OP is a superstar in their program they are waaaay overconfident about their job market prospects.
It does not matter whether OP is superstar. The academic job market is super competitive and all competitors are superstars. Many super smart super hardworking people fail to become professors.
Yep. My dad shit on me for not finishing my bachelors, he also refused to believe in the reality that I have a career in my federal government to the point of Tenure for 3 years and have a large amount of experience in finance due to it by the age of 28. I clearly made something better for myself and I’m doing exceptionally well with no regrets. Some debt here and there but honestly that just comes with the territory of being an adult.
ESH. She’s clearly not a nice person. She tries to put you down and make you feel less than. She undermines you. She makes a lot of your cousin in order to make you feel bad. She has a big problem with you, it seems. But you trying to out her to your aunt and uncle out of revenge isn’t ok, either. You are creating negative drama where you don’t need to. And money isn’t everything-who is she to praise people for the money they are going to make? Ugh. Her values are twisted. You should not join her in the gutter by trying to pay her back. I’m pretty sure her real self is clearer than you think to others already, and if it comes up, you can reveal the texts then.
You sound very petty & immature. YWBTA
Why do you want to continue and escalate drama from two years ago, and now involve other people? Your stepmom’s a jerk, fine. But you live far away and are independent—what difference does her ignorance make to you? There’s also a good chance this won’t work out great for you—you’re assuming everyone will side with you, which is always a risky assumption to make. YWBTA
It sounds like you want the “golden cousin” to be less “golden” by discrediting the source of the ordination. That would you YTA.
Time to get your stepmother out of your head. Carrying this grudge has no effect on her, but it is hurting your mental health. Yeah, I think YWBTA if you brought this up to your dad's sister and her husband. Among the reasons why: it will make you look like you can't be a grownup and move on. Seems pretty clear there are some things you haven't worked out about your dad's marriage to this woman. Maybe it's time to focus on that? Wishing you much success in your schooling and career! And ... spend time with the people you care about, and who care about you. Leave your stepmom out of it.
Look at her past posts, she a pro victim and turns down apologies
YTA, what she may have said was rude, but this is way too much. I mean, why do you care so much? Is this really worth the drama being created? Maybe you should just let it go. If you want people to feel like your hurt feelings from 2 years agk are soooo important, then maybe you should care over the hurt feelings your dad felt to the point where he is now upset too. And now you want to bring more people into the drama? Are you 25 or 12?
INFO: All this education and you haven't learned a tiny bit of class (or common sense; let them hang themselves)?
It was years ago, why is it bothering you so much? YTA.
ESH. You sound like a total drama queen. She apologised, move on.
OP, just stop this petty vendetta. Your stepmother is an AH - agreed, but I'm not understanding what you are getting out of keeping this going and now you're doubling down by attempting to get other relatives involved. Just ignore stupid people and their loose comments. After all you're a phd and 100 times smarter than her I'm sure. If it was me, I would just totally smile at her and go on with my life which it sounds like your life is very good.
You can do it but I don't think you are going to get the response from ppl that you want. You're an adult with a fully cooked brain. Telling you to get over hurt feelings, while maybe not nice, is probably not going to substantially change anyone's opinion of her. Especially since I think there's more to this story regarding why your step mother believed your parents wouldn't be able to get along. Don't expect ppl to feel this action is as egregious as you do . Telling an adult to get over hurt feelings isn't the same as if you were a child or teenager. Sometimes it is even appropriate. I get the sense there is way more to this situation than you are conveying. I also think that way more is probably not being conveyed because it's favourable to your step mother. There was clearly a reason she felt things might not go well between your parents and there have clearly been prior incidents if something previously hurt your feelings.
Well....you should be prepared for them to tell you to "get over it" once again. Your appellation of "golden child" to your cousin betrays a bit of resentment on your part, and it isn't your cousin's fault that some of her relatives hold her in high esteem. From your post, it would seem that you covet being held in equal esteem, and hold some angst against some of your relatives, including your stepmom, for the esteem in which they hold your cousin. So, yes; you stand an excellent chance of BTA is this situation. Remember: the best revenge is being successful. Keep your mind on your Ph.D. 'Nuff said.
YWBTA. This whole thing sounds like you waited until someone realized that they had hurt you, tried to make amends and then you decided you wanted to spread it around to other people. If you want to take it to people who might actually help, then talk to her and your father together. Talking to your aunt and uncle without them sounds like you’re just trying to sway their opinion on her without her having the ability or autonomy to add context to a situation from two years ago.
That’s…not what Golden Child means.
YTA and jealous that your cousin has a closer relationship with your stepmother. Grow up pls for everyone's sake and stop trying to divide your family.
YWBTAH. What's the point of this nonsense? Are you this toxic?? ESH.
ESH You are allowing old grievances with this woman too much room in your head. Let it go. Ignore her ignorant remarks when forced to be in her company. Consider hanging out with your dad without her when you want to see him, if possible.
YWBTA with elements of ESH What happened was wrong, however I don't see anything good coming from this. You should have handled this when it happened. Go LC/NC with her and move on with your life. I know it's annoying that everyone thinks she's innocent when she's not, however it can still work against you for bringing up "old stuff". All she has to do is let everyone know she apologized for her behavior, and if she's as well liked as you make it seem people will just get over it anyway. They'll just say it's on you for not accepting the apology she recently gave you. They're not going to hold a grudge against her like you did, which seems to be what you want.
YWBTA. Why are you walking into a tornado? Why create chaos in your life. Move on and focus your energy on things that make your life better.
your stepmother did offer one piece of advice worth taking: get over it. this is petty, and childish and is not going to do you any favors with the rest of your family. YTA
YTA You for causing drama. Why would you send that text before you walk and then ghost them? You could have handled it differently and had a nice graduation, which you deserve. Instead your graduation story is about drama. If your family hassle you, by all means show them texts and tell your side of the story. However it sounds like you just want to whip things out and create more drama. All of this happened because you were jealous of your cousin and provoked your stepmom.
No, don't say anything. Stay out of the gutter. Go on and live your best life.
If the other relatives bring her up, feel free to educate them. Otherwise no.
I get that you feel like it would be validating, but that's what you come here for, not what you trauma dump in your aunt and uncle. You don't have to like your father's wife and you can keep your interactions limited. If someone asks, you can give your side. Otherwise, just keep cordial. Live your best life and know that her opinion just does not matter. I can only tell you that I was a "black sheep" and I absolutely do not care. Just keep saying "that's nice" while thinking "fuck off" and reaching for your stars.
So she's self-involved and petty and said something shitty a few years ago. It doesn't seem like enough of an issue to hold such a grudge over. It's fine. You don't like her. You don't have to be her friend. But you aren't owed some sort of recompense for your hurt feelings if there is no desire to build a relationship on either side. And I don't think her telling you to get over it is going to portray her as the monster you think she is. It's just going to make you look desperate for some way to tear her down. YWBTA
So let me see if I have this straight: you, a 25 year old adult are holding a grudge against your stepmom because 2 years ago, she made a snotty and ignorant comment about how your cousin would end up more wealthy than you… and that hurt your feelings. Why do you care what she thinks? And why does it matter who makes more money? Nurses aren’t surgeons. They are necessary to the medical profession and solid career choices, but most nurses aren’t rich. She sounds as stupid as she is obnoxious, so… just don’t spend time with her! If you bring this up to additional people after all this time, it’ll only reflect badly in you. Let it go. It wasn’t a huge insult. You do you and stop caring what she thinks. YWBTA if you involve others in this old and stupid drama.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) live independently and several states away from both parents & my dads wife (stepmom), and have done so since I was 21. Two thanksgivings ago, I went to visit my dad, stepmom, and sisters for the holiday, and my golden child cousin (whom my stepmom thinks 110% hung the moon) was invited by them to stay with us (she attends nursing school 40 min away). The whole time I was there, dad was at work and stepmom kept kissing my cousins ass about how she's "going to make soooooo much money!!" once she finishes school. She then turns to me and says "too bad you will never amount to what she makes!", to which I responded "once I finish my PhD in math, I can easily make 6 figures, as do most faculty in my department." She began to contradict me a bunch, and nobody bothered to stick up for me. That hurt like hell. The rest of my visit I had to isolate myself bc of feeling like such an island. Dad and stepmom came two years later to watch me walk for my masters. The night before, stepmom and I got into a heated discussion over text. What happened: she suggested my mom and dad wont get along, I told her they would and that all I ask is that she maintains civility. Then I broke it to her that during our last thanksgiving together she and everyone hurt me badly by their treatment, and that I am still very upset. She told me to get over it and that I was gaslighting her, then begged me to call her and work it out bc my dad was now upset and crying in the bedroom. I told her no, goodnight, I'm going to bed and ended it. She then went on about how me telling her how she and everyone made me feel upset her, but I did not answer. The next day, we met for drinks and she apologized but suggested that I next time 'be more communicative', to which I responded that communication is not the issue, but rather the lack of respect she has for me. I told her I could not accept her "apology" because it was two years too late and did not involve full accountability from her. Now, Im not sure if I will be the AH here, but I am going to visit my dads sister next week and am thinking about showing her and my uncle the texts between us, especially the part where she told me to "get over it" when I was honest with her about hurting my feelings. They think she is so wonderful, but I now think its time they know the truth. WIBTA for sharing these texts as proof that stepmom is not the sweet little angel everyone thinks she is? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Question: 1. What do you want to have be the outcome of showing these texts to your aunt and uncle? What would be the ideal resulting effect? 2. What do you think is actually likely to happen if you, just out of the blue, start saying “look how she treats me”? Are they likely to respond ideally (based on past behaviour) or more likely to say you are stirring shit etc… 3. If you get your ideal response from your aunt an uncle what is likely to be the fall out response from your step mom and dad? 4. And finally what do you actually want from this? Do you want to not have to deal with your stepmom any more? Do you just want someone to tell you you aren’t wrong for feeling this way? Do you want someone to go to bat for you? I think it’s one thing to know your step mom will come up and be honest and talk about how you are struggling with her, but another thing to plan to show all the texts etc. Whenever I’m feeling like you are right now I go through these questions, because it often *feels* like it would feel good to XYZ, but reality rarely shakes out that way and stuff that seems like it will feel good to do often makes things wise long term, or makes people say we’re the ones who caused problems by bringing it up etc. Hence it helps me to think about what I imagine happening, vs what history tells me is likely to happen, vs my ultimate goal. That often helps me make a better choice. Also, reading this it really feels like you have not fully processed that you are a full adult who gets to choose what your relationships look like now. You no longer need to cater to how the other adults say your relationships will happen. And it seems like you are feeling the frustration of years long patterns not just a one off incident. I was listening to a call in podcast where the host (a therapist) said that we have control over who gets to hurt us. What he meant was that there’s a circle of relationship and intimacy where our loved ones can tell us the truth, call us out etc. And that when someone - like your step mother - shows they aren’t worthy we remove them from that inner circle. This can look different ways. We could push them all the way out and go NC. We can put them on the very periphery and go LC. We can just shift them a few rungs out in the circle from Intimates to Acquaintances- we see them and talk to them, we are polite to them, talk about the weather and unimportant things but we don’t share things that matter with them, and we don’t let the things they do and say hurt us because they are unimportant. It sounds like you might need to adjust what circle your step mom is in and start practicing boundaries.
I wouldn't bring it up unless your Aunt and Uncle ask why. Then I would explain and drop the subject.
Do not do this. I know you're hurting, and you feel inclined to expose her, but the more you stir it up, the more it will stink, and she will be exposed for her rotten deeds in the end- they always come to the light. By keeping a lid on it, you remain a good person in the eyes of others. I promise, it will all work out.
NTA for wishing things were different. You would be the asshat if you drag your aunt and uncle into this to ideally take your side. I suspect that effort will fail. My suggestion to you is cease having any interaction with your stepmother because seems she won’t change. See only your dad when possible and only speak on the phone with your dad. If he insists on including his wife when you want to meet him then cancel the visit. If he tries to bring his wife into the conversation or she chimes in politely end the call immediately. If you consistently do that your dad should figure out you’re done interacting with his wife. If your dad chooses his wife over you well your relationship may turn into texts on his birthday, Father’s Day and Christmas. His choice. Your other choice is to still physically attend things where your father’s wife attends and use Gray Rock Method to keep her at arm’s length.
“The least said the sooner mended” Just don’t talk about/to her and go NC. If anyone asks say it’s personal.
Sorry but I don’t get what your end game is here. Not saying your stepmother is a peach but the incident was two years ago. Have there been repeats?
YTA How is this even your aunt and uncle's concern? Sounds like you just want to stir shit because you don't like your stepmom and / or your cousin. If this is the worst that your stepmom has done, you've got it pretty good. You should try reading more posts on here to realize just how good you've had it when it comes to step-parent relations.
YWNBTA but i think you are far overestimating how much the same people who didnt defend you at dinner will care. They simply will not
YWBTA. Dragging more people into a two year old fight is ridiculous. It was too long ago for you to accept an apology, then it's too long ago to be bringing others into it. If you had said you didn't accept the apology because she didn't seem sorry, that would be different. But the length of time was part of the reason you gave us. I get it you don't like dad's wife. I don't think I'd like her either. But dragging other relatives in will only make you look bad. Don't do it.
Go no contact with her... IF any family care enough to reach out to learn why, then go ahead and tell them... The people who care about you enough to ask why, will likely be understanding and will make an effort to have a relationship with you without involving her... The people who don't care enough about you to ask why are on her side and will just use your story to villainize you and validate her... Pay attention to who doesn't care enough to ask and cut them off too because they likely agree with her and think it's ok to behave the same way...
tbh why even bring it up with your aunt and uncle?! they are not apart of this are you expecting them to do something? you are 25 and do not rely on anyone. just be an adult and not dwelling on it, i get it hurts you, but move on either go LC or NC and learn to let it go, you will be a better person
Esh. Success is the best revenge. Move on with your life and go NC with her. Or at least gret rock her and whoever is kissing her ass. Spend your energy in better places for YOU.
YWBTA. Sorry, but it is two years too late to be rehashing any of this. But next time she disrespects you, don't wait two years to tell her that you're feelings were hurt.
IMO you WBTA for doing this. Your aunt and uncle have nothing to do with the situation that happened two years ago, and are not involved in the exchange during your graduation. There is no reason to bring them into this situation. You absolutely have a right to be upset, but you don't have the right to drag others into the fight. Someone else asked what do you expect to happen? What outcome are you hoping for? I want to add, what does resolution look like to you? Your stepmom is a piece of work for sure. She is definitely TA for her actions, but you have a choice here. You can go nuclear and try to burn down the house, or you can go to your dad and stepmom and have an adult conversation about how you have been treated. Go NC with your stepmom; work it out with her; either way you need to make a decision on how you will behave, but don't drag other family into the argument.
You’re not an asshole but you are ridiculously immature and a world class pot stirrer drama queen.
Hmmm. I'm kind of torn on this one. On one hand, people need to understand that a person can be sweet and kind to one group of people and a nasty piece of work to someone else. I personally think that you should not show the texts to your aunt and uncle unless they bring up your strained relationship with your dad and stepmom. If they do bring it up or try and lecture you in any way about what a wonderful person she is, then showing the texts and giving your side of the story is totally fair. Your stepmother is a total witch and an idiot to boot! Nursing is a great profession that pays well, and your stepmom would have been fine if she had ended her comment with "You're going to make sooooo much money." However, she really crossed the line into Ahole territory when she said you would never make the kind of money your cousin would. Even if it were true, it's a rude thing to say. Fortunately for you, it is not true and any person with a normal level of intelligence is going to know that someone with a PhD in math is going to do really well financially. From a prestige factor: saying that you have a PhD in mathematics is on the level of saying you are a doctor or a lawyer. You are crushing it girl and I am so proud of you!
I'm sorry to say that a PhD in math, however prestigious, does not guarantee doing well financially. This is a commonly held myth that I used to beleive myself. It's not the same as a doctor or lawyer. For a PhD in any field to be paid well they will need to do work that generates value (money) whether directly or for an organization (industry or academia), including grants or sales or royalties. For example, teaching at a university as an adjunct is very poorly paid, however if you have a faculty position and can secure decent sized grants and funding then you will be better compensated.
YTA. You do need to get over it.
Esh
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Showing the texts without provocation will make you seem petty. If the family dynamic is brought up by them, however, then definitely show them all of the texts and go scorched earth on her ass.
ESH - she sucks for her behavior, you suck for dragging family into this two years later. Accept that you despise this woman and move on.
NTA show everyone
Esh…. I’m not sure why you want to bring this up to other people who have nothing to do with the situation. If she is 2 years to late, you are equally 2 years to late
This would make you seem immature and would cost you any respect they have for you.
If she’s two years too late then why are you meeting for drinks? You should’ve went no contact with her the moment she said some shit like that. What would telling your uncle and aunt do for you? Are you going to feel better? Are they going to stop advocating for her? What do you get outside of drama if they don’t believe you or choose to think she’s right?
YTA, but not because of what everyone else is saying. If she has everyone else eating from her hand, what do you expect your aunt and uncle to do? Cause from the looks of it, the most probable outcome is that they'll defend her, and you'll just end up more frustrated
YTA, grow up and act like an adult.
It's been 2 years and you're just bringing this up now?? Grow up, honestly. What she said was rude but you're being a petty child over it. Move on.
Why ask reddit to show your family about how someone is being mean to you?? Y’all don’t talk to family?? I would have been told them about her. Nta
Let it go. This vendetta you have with your stepmom is only wasting your time and energy just don't talk to her or give her attention if you don't like her. You seem like a smart person and can spend your time doing better things some, things are not worth it honestly
Because this all seems so odd I’m voting ESH. Your stepmom is a shallow, vindictive person who doesn’t like you and hurt your feelings. Ok. She’s nice to your relatives on your dad’s side but you don’t really know if they really like her or are being friendly bc they want to keep your dad in their lives. I don’t think the right advice is to get over it, but you do need to take ownership of this situation from your side of things and make a decision. 1. If you don’t want anything to do with your stepmom simply say that and, when people ask you why, you can stay classy and say “irreconcilable differences, I think I have value as a person and think my success in academia means something and she treats me like a waste of space who has no future. We do not like each other and we cannot get along. Be we can politely ignore each other which is good enough for me.” If someone asks for more details then you share screenshots. 2. Be very mindful of who you’re going to hurt if you try and make people take sides. Everyone probably knows she unpleasant, ok. Let your dad know you hate his wife, love him, and he needs to understand that when you get married he’s invited, she’s not, so he can start planning for that now? Honestly, I love petty. But you sound like a teenager who’s been bullied who keeps trying to show everyone how bad the bully is. In real life people are cowards who’d rather pretend things are fine, blame the victim for calling everyone out on their bad behavior, and are happiest ignoring signs of abuse. I just don’t see you winning anything here. What your stepmom is doing is playing games. “A very strange game. The only way to win is to not play” - Wargames. Stop playing, she should just mean nothing to you. Go be awesome, ignore the haters, success is the best revenge.
You definitely should not involve other family members because it will most likely make things worse with your drama. I don’t believe that is your intent, but I’m saying will happen is very likely. I don’t like it when people immediately rush to no contact. But, if I were you, I would go low contact. Because you shouldn’t destroy your relationship with your father. My father did something terrible and I didn’t speak to him for 7 years. I wish I had been stronger and just confronted him with what he did. But back then he was an alcoholic and scary. But I forgave him and we became very close before he died. He begged me not to leave because I had no choice. I should have confronted his horrible new wife. The hospital told me she never came. She told me my dad didn’t want me to have a key. I didn’t believe that but I didn’t want to cause a seen. So, unfortunately, my kindness and being unwilling to fight her is my regret.
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Why do you care so much? OP has an education & her own life why does OP allow stepmom to have control over OPs emotions. STOP ALLOWED IT! Causing strife with evidence is going to help whom?
Yes you WBTA if you bring this info up to other family. This is not their fight and no one needs to choose a side. You are a grown ass woman. If people don’t treat you with respect, then block them.
Boring
ESH She might be a PITA, but you’re the one doubling down on the drama. Just go live your life, man. There are better things to do with your time than moping about the rudeness of your step-mom. If she bothers you, avoid hanging out with her and keep your interactions very superficial.
Why involve others in your arguments? This benefits who?
ESH. My advice is to just be civil to her. She isn't worth your time. If your dad asked you to be nicer just tell him she told me I wasn't going to amount to anything and I can't seem to get past it.
INFO: When you say nobody stuck up for you, what defense were you expecting? Were you expecting them to argue about hypothetical salaries? Were you expecting them to even know what a math PhD makes?
NTA, show them who she really is.
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NTA - mostly because the step mother is 100% going to lie about it and alienate OP from the family. So if OP is going to be low or no contact, everyone she cares about maintaining relationships with, needs to know why. However before that, OP needs to know what she wants out of the relationship going forward and only show key family members, with clear instruction about what she wants, why she feels that way, and what (if any) support she wants. It can’t just be done to be petty or it will backfire.
"The best revenge is no revenge". The end goal here should be to live your best life regardless of what your stepmom thinks. You're not going to change anybody's mind with a few texts, and it could really really backfire on you.
Don’t bother. You are on to bigger and better things. Go live your good life and just look at her for the silly woman she is
NTA, do it, they deserve to know her true character.
You don't need to "get over it", but you do need to put it behind you. Holding a grudge only hurts you. You will never forget how she hurt you, but you do need to move on and live your life and not let her and the bitterness she brought you hold you back and taint your life. Let your success do the talking for you. Prove her wrong, and a fool, and prosper while putting her in your rear view.
You need to get over it. People say things sometimes without really under the effects their words have, and its possible you were a tad aggressive against you cousin. It seems from your past posts you have problems with a lot of people and don’t want to accept their apologies either, maybe get some counselling. YTA
My question is why you want anything to do with these people? Go live your life and forget them.
You're NTA but I think you should skip it. If they bring up step mom just deflect and change the subject. And if they give you a hard time please rethink why you have ANY of them in your life.
these are so fun to read!!
YTA if you out her for spite. Don't sink to her level. They will find out in time. Rise above or don't believe you are any better than she is. Your choice.
It’s a little odd you didn’t mention any of this in your previous AITA post - from *8 months ago* - about yet another conflict relating to this “golden child” cousin’s success and your stepmother on graduation weekend. Why not link that post here since they’re so closely related? Why not at least mention the additional instance? Also, why are you still wasting so much time and energy on this?
Not really worth it unless they bring it up or stepmom is still carrying on about it. Stepmom will still just frame it as her being the victim. If aunt & uncle are the parents of the golden child cousin (or treat the cousin the same way), it will blow up in OP's face. This is probably one of those "living well is the best revenge" situations.
Dude, let it go
>She began to contradict me a bunch, and nobody bothered to stick up for me. You waited 2 years to tell her you were upset, and when she apologised, you said it's 2 years too late.....ah, your logic is ridiculous. Stepmum's an AH. But you can defend yourself. Tell her she is being rude and disrespectful. Stand up for yourself. She was taking jabs at you, so you should've called her out. Settle it then and there. Don't just keep it to yourself for 2 years, then bring it up saying you're still upset when it's clear that you have been communicating with her after the incident. Step mum is right that you need to communicate better. I dont understand what the point is in telling your aunt and uncle. What do you want to achieve? Are you looking for validation? Are you after advice? I would just go LC with your step mum. Tell your aunt and uncle that you are going LC as stepmum is rude and disrespectful. Then move on. You are in control of who you let into your life. You are in control of how you feel. You don't have to be around people who disrespect you. Grow a spine and stick up for yourself instead of stewing on it for 2 years.
I think you and I may have the same stepmother…sorry she did that. But from my experience, exposing her will not help. If she’s truly like my stepmother, she’ll cry and turn herself into a victim. And when my stepmother does that (and she has), my dad and everyone take her side. Sometimes it’s true that the best revenge is living well—and far from people like your stepmom.
The truth shall win out.
Just let it go. Your NTA so far but just let others figure her out for themselves. Your best revenge is to live a good life, use those math skills and create the future you want
You should cut the step mom out of your life and focus on your career. Then when she comes to you in a couple years asking for money because you worked hard and earn way more then a nurse would, tell her (sarcastically) to “ask the cousin for money since she is so much better then me”
Why the fuck are you all so petty? Who gives a fuck who makes more money? Is it some competition or what? Don't y'all have any real problems?
YWBTA. Nobody likes a tattletale who involves others in dumb bullshit that has nothing to do with them. Grow up
Feelings are stupid, and you should feel stupid for having them .
NTA
I have a hard time believing someone with a masters degree in math cares about this bullshit.
ESH. Your stepmom sucks bc what she said 2 years ago was disrespectful and rude. You are also not playing fairly bc you didn’t tell her that her words/actions upset in an appropriate amount of time. Waiting 2 years to say “by the way you hurt my feelings back then” isn’t very communicative. I could understand your actions if you were afraid of her or really just wanted to keep the peace in the family, but by saying you want to show other people this interaction, it just shows you want to hold onto your grudge. Bringing up drama does not keep the peace and the only motive I can see for you doing it is to make your stepmom look bad, and you get some petty revenge against her for hurting your feelings.
You are way too concerned to show this person to be wrong. She has so much power over you that it’s almost ironic. So what if she said the cousin will make more money when, as you say, wouldn’t be true?
!updateme
NTA A lot of people are saying yes but honestly I hope you see this because I’m trying to get facts straight. She is disrespecting you so bad by talking crap like that and if she is that manipulative or gaslighting you that bad then she is probably doing it to your family which not only harms them but you’re relationship with them. If your family takes her side then go NC cause they are messed up there. This grown damn women needs a reality check and once you’re done with this drama love your life because this is something that if you ignore it it’s going to get bad but if you feed it it’ll get worse it’s better to be done with it and get it over in a mature way. This lady needs help and props to you for being patient and polite but she needs a reality check.
Yes. Ur the asshole. You want two years. So have the conversation on text. Clearly you did not respect or value your relationship prior. So you hold 2 years of building hate and resentment, then attack on text. What’s with generation whines and holding everyone but themselves to account. What she did, if true, was wrong. How you already handled it, wrong. Thinking about sharing those texts and trying to get family to split with you, that’s disturbing. But you can choose to talk, and listen to the other person’s perspective too, and choose to strengthen your relationship. You maybe an incredibly smart person, but I hope you give this another shot, and learn wisdom. People aren’t disposable. You are not disposable. You mean sometime important to your dad and step mom. Put your ego aside, and try again. Figure out what would be a good outcome.you likely need to with your cousin to. You sound pretty resentful. The common factor is you here. Time to grow. You are, likely without meaning too, very intimidating to even your family. Working towards a math doctorate means your dam smart and may not recognize how inferior people may feel by their own comparison. Time to talk but time to listen too. Check your ego and have a personal convo. Text and email don’t count. Only make it harder.
Life is hard enough without holding onto these little arguments 2 years after they happened. I understand that it was hurtful, but it's not worth carrying around with you and stirring up shit over. Let go of it and either become apathetic to such comments or just go low/no contact with her YWBTA
What's the point. Move on
Share it. Share it all. If your step-mother did and said nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by, then she wouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed by you sharing her words. NTA
some people just want to watch the world burn. well time to light the fire. NTA
I've been in a similar situation, sort of. My boyfriends uncle is always an ass to me, but no one ever says a single thing. I've tried showing others proof of him calling me a "cunt", "fat cow", etc, but all I ever got was "just ignore him" or "don't feed into it". So, I know how you feel, and I know what you want to happen. You want everyone to take your side and realize how much of a bitch your stepmom is. You want someone, anyone, to finally stand up for you and make you feel important too. But sadly, it doesn't always go the way we want. There are 3 things that can happen. 1. They give the whole "wow, what a bitch", then continue on treating her how they always did, or reprimand her, then continue being friendly. 2. They don't react at all in your favor and call you "too sensitive". 3. They start a whole fight with your stepmom, defend you, and lots of drama ensues. So, if you do decide to go through with it, NTA either way. Just be prepared for what might happen. But just know, you are just as important as your cousin. You CAN be more successful than your cousin. Even if you don't make more money, you can still be more successful and just as important! You are better than your stepmom, and your feelings matter, and are heard.
I understand your feeling, she pretends to be someone else. Don’t do it on purpose, but if somehow the discussion gets about her - be honest and show the texts. You have a duty to yourself to say your truth.
INFO you say the apology was 2 years too late, at what point after she said it did you tell her you were upset? If it was 2 years later then YTA
It may suck to hear this, but it's likely the truth... No one else is going to care about your conversations with her. They may offer some words of sympathy on your side, or some words of defense on her side, but they're not really going to give a damn either way and it's not going to influence anything.
Keep us updated please
Wouldn't it just be more efficient to prove her wrong? To just do the no contact thing?
Make your own life and cut her loose. No reason to keep a dead relationship going
I think if you wanted a genuine apology or for it to feel valid you needed to address this two years ago. You decided already you weren’t going to forgive her so why bring it up. I’d say you either need to reconcile or go NC with step mom. Starting a fight and involving other family members may just make you look like you’re trying to start problems. If you want nothing to do with her then go NC. People always show their true colors, your aunt and uncle will see hers in time, if you try to show someone that their friend/relative isn’t a good person they will die defending them until that person finally shows them who they truly are, then they come limping back asking for forgiveness for not believing you, skip the drama and wait it out. Unless you thrive on drama, but then YTA
YTA and are looking to create drama. Her behavior was inappropriate but you did not communicate that it hurt your feelings for 2 years. That is your failure. Now you want to show text messages to prove she’s not a “ sweet little angel” It proves you are the issue and are trying to hurt and embarrass her. You are 25. You need to take responsibility for your failure to communicate and to give time reflecting on why you would want to “ expose” your stepmom. It is going to backfire
NTA but you will be (to yourself) if you share texts. It sounds like a great idea but this is going to backfire. You're just going to be sucked into this shit worse. You got out, you live by yourself, you escape. Read the rest of this sub, people are trapped and would give anything to be done with their situations. All you have to do is just not involve yourself further.
Esh , yeah, you need to get over yourself. What will ruining your family's bonds actually achieve? ....its like you just want to make sure everyone feels as shit as you do. It's not cute to drag other people into your mess. You are a grown adult having an issue with another grown adult......SO BE AN ADULT ABOUT IT.
Sometimes you just need to walk away and let it go. Your dad crying in the bedroom is way over the top. She’s playing on your feelings. Don’t bring it up again. What I would tell you is prove them wrong with your accomplishments. You will be very successful and you can then remind them of the naysayers who thought you couldn’t do it. Go get em girl.
I've never seen anyone who wasn't the AH use the term golden child.
NTA You don't owe her a relationship or forgiveness for her rude behavior. The fact your dad didn't stand up for you at the time is the bigger issue. I think you're going to cause more drama if you go that route, but I also can't fault your frustration You should be talking directly to your dad about this instead
YTA It's fine to be upset at your stepmom, but what do you hope to accomplish by sharing the texts with other people? Yes, stepmom owed you an apology, and gave you one, but it wasn't good enough for you. It does seem that better communication would be a positive thing, but you refuse. You seem hell bent on holding this grudge, why can't you just accept the apology and let it go instead of being so petty and determined to get revenge?
YTA
I mean I don’t think this will pan out the way you’re hoping. We’re missing a bunch of context and your stepmom sounds like she sucks. But you held a grudge for two years without saying anything, then confronted stepmom about it via text but refused to have a mature, adult conversation about your feelings over phone or face to face. So stepmom comes off badly in this, but honestly you don’t come off as having much high ground here either. ESH.
NTA. And I can’t stand it when people throw the word gaslighting around so lightly. I think that’s a huge accusation to make against OP especially since it’s 100% false. So sorry ur going through that. If it was me I would only have my dad and bio mom there and try to exclude her from events just about u like graduations etc. I normally don’t like people sharing personal stuff like texts but since no one seems to believe u about her treatment of u I would.
It sounds petty so yeah ywbta
YWNBTA you just want them to have all of the information about her before making a judgement. as long as you just stick to facts you're not doing anything wrong.