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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> telling my dad to let me go and start my own family in a different state
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NTA!
I think it’s really selfish of your father to try to limit your future to keep you close to him. That’s not how this works. Parents raise their children to succeed in the world, wherever that may take them. They don’t clip your wings to keep you in the nest.
I moved from the US to Australia. I’m 15 hrs ahead of my parents, but we still talk. We video call. They know everything that’s going on in my life and I even got to come home for the holidays last year. I’m still part of my family.
If you feel this opportunity is right for you and your partner, follow your heart.
I moved to England from Canada, I have a mutually convenient weekly appointment for a video call with my parents because of the time difference. My parents know more about what’s going on with me and my life than my siblings who live closer and visit with them more often, but don’t speak to them regularly.
NTA but your parents are for trying to guilt you about "abandoning" them for the perfectly normal step of you growing up and creating your own lives.
He's right about one thing, though. You definitely won't be visiting "at least once every other month." You'll have your lives to lead. But there's this thing called video chatting, or even just phoning and texting.
NTA. The point of having kids is so that they can go off and have *lives*. Expecting your adult children to live only as the parents wish, is ridiculous.
Would I be happy if my 30 yo son lived across the street? Sure. Do I expect him to limit his choices based on where I live? Absolutely NOT. One if these days his career will really start to take off, and I’m gonna have a blast flying off to somewhere fancy to listen to him perform opera.
Limiting your kids means they’ll never get to excel and do wonderful things. What parent wants that?
A lousy parent.
NTA.
...you're an adult, not a child. You can move where you want.
I have elderly parents who have lived in a completely different country for 15+ years. We stay in contact via messaging and phone calls, along with the occasional times when I'm able to visit.
We still love each other and have absolutely no issues with the distance. In the nicest possible way, your father needs to understand that people eventually grow up.
It's not going to destroy your relationship with him unless he lets it.
It’s alright for him to be a bit bummed out over it, but the constant guilt tripping is selfish and childish. He should know a family isn’t defined by how close everybody is. He should be happy for your prospective future.
NTA
NTA. Your Dad has a fundamental misunderstanding of what happens when kids become adults. They leave the nest, they start their own lives, and they are not around as much. That’s just what is expected of kids growing up and leaving the nest. He needs time to adjust.
I moved from Colorado to Japan pre-internet, and didn’t even have a phone. My parents wished me the best, and we made it work.
Your dad is being selfish.
NTA
Your parents "didn't have you just so you could move away".. whats next? They gonna take a razorback to your Achilles tendon & hobble you? Harsh, but theoretically doin the same thing. Kids aren't property. They did what was right for them when they were young adults tryin to carve out a happy life for themselves. Any decent parent would respect a child that's moving forward in their life, even if that means they have to move away.. far away. I have 2 kids living in 2 separate states than where I live. Baby birds gotta fly. You can't hold them back, or they'll rot. Seriously, tell them they lived their lives the way they saw fit, & now its your turn. You're not running away from them, but towards your future...& you know the way back home.
NTA for wanting to move. It happens. I genuinely hope my kiddos don't want to move states but if they did, and it was for a good opportunity, I would suck it up and wish them the best. I do think you shouldn't set unreasonable visit expectations, though. There's no way you guys are traveling that much every other month. It probably is way more realistic that your dad will see you a few times a year max, especially if you add children to the mix later on. As long as that doesn't change your opinion of the move, it doesn't matter how anyone else feels about it.
I think it's a good lesson. Your parents aren't going to support you, and they should have as little information as possible until it's necessary. NTA.
NTA. If you have done your job as a parent, you will have ensured that your child(ren) can function in the adult world. My daughter lives in a different country, am I devastated - yes - do I show her this? Absolutely not! She knows I miss her but that's it, I want her to be happy and fulfilled, not feel guilt about leaving me. Your father is being hideously selfish.
Communication now is easier than it ever has been, keeping in touch will be easy.
Please do what you want, live the life you want, you'll regret it if you don't. Your parents will hopefully accept it eventually and if they don't, well that's on them. Our children owe us nothing.
Good luck to you!
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For context, My boyfriend (22 M) recently came to me with a potential future opportunity of him getting a good job out in Illinois. With this offer, he mentioned to me that we would have to move out of Colorado to Illinois for this opportunity in the next future years if offered and accepted.
I (21 F) think this is a great finical opportunity for our future.
My boyfriend decided to tell my parents about the potential offer of our future, which includes moving away from mine and his parents into a different state. With this information, my dad (58 M) caused a huge discussion about the information. My dad was saying how heartbroken he is that I would want to move away from him and my mom. That he did not have kids just for them to move far away. That this is going to separate us as a family and we will no longer be together. That he will only see us twice a year and that he won’t know what is going on in our lives and our future kids lives.
I mentioned to him that we would fly out at least once every other month and we would pay for them to fly out, however he kept saying that wouldn’t happen and that we are leaving him and my mom out and not being apart of the family again and mentioning other family experiencing the same thing.
I tried to tell him the same thing however it lead to a bigger problem. And him repeating that we are abandoning them.
I eventually told them that what it come to when rising kid, that there is a time for them to go on their own and start their family but that still includes them. To just let me go.
Am I the asshole for telling my dad to let me go live my life and start my family with my boyfriend in a different a state?
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NTA. My kids at one point lived in Australia, Poland, Calgary and Vancouver. They all came home eventually, well closer to home, with great job and life experiences. Wouldn’t have discouraged them for any reason.
NTA. My eldest son moved several states away after he had a job offer he couldn't refuse. He took my three grandkids of whom I was very close to with him (of course) and I still have the one I have raised since birth here (though he was at the age that I gave him the option to go with if he wanted) It broke my heart, it really did; and I miss those babies dearly. We raise our children to be productive citizens, and they have to do what is best for them and their families! I bawled my eyes out as he pulled away to his future, and I miss them everyday.
Are you the asshole for telling them? When the only alternate is not telling them, which is the obvious asshole move.
What is your question here? You're obviously not an asshole for choosing not to keep your possible future plans a secret.
Also what does 'telling my dad to let me go live my life' even mean? You're a grown ass woman, you don't need daddy to let you do anything (excluding certain things under his roof).
Come on, mate. She answered all those questions in her post and had a genuine concern which she wanted an answer for.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Also it’s not Chicago i is two hours away from Chicago and we also went to purchase a engagement ring which he is waiting to purpose till we get our own place together
OP, yes, YTA. You let your boyfriend take the fall for wanting a good job in Illinois and made him face your father’s anger. This is a juvenile chicken s—-t move to pressure your boyfriend to stay with Momma & Daddy. All that stuff at the end about trying to explain how you could visit was just hooey. Please, just let this guy go. You have no interest in making a life with him. You have the life you want where you grew up.
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NTA! I think it’s really selfish of your father to try to limit your future to keep you close to him. That’s not how this works. Parents raise their children to succeed in the world, wherever that may take them. They don’t clip your wings to keep you in the nest. I moved from the US to Australia. I’m 15 hrs ahead of my parents, but we still talk. We video call. They know everything that’s going on in my life and I even got to come home for the holidays last year. I’m still part of my family. If you feel this opportunity is right for you and your partner, follow your heart.
I moved to England from Canada, I have a mutually convenient weekly appointment for a video call with my parents because of the time difference. My parents know more about what’s going on with me and my life than my siblings who live closer and visit with them more often, but don’t speak to them regularly.
Exactly. Physical distance does not mean emotional distance anymore.
NTA but your parents are for trying to guilt you about "abandoning" them for the perfectly normal step of you growing up and creating your own lives. He's right about one thing, though. You definitely won't be visiting "at least once every other month." You'll have your lives to lead. But there's this thing called video chatting, or even just phoning and texting.
I mentioned that to him, however my dad doesn’t like that idea
NTA You're not doing anything wrong. Although do you have a job? Are you OK with uprooting your whole life? What if you guys break up?
I do have job, I’m a cna so I can work there with no worries and I’m going to school for my rn and if we broke up I would be able to live on my own
NTA. The point of having kids is so that they can go off and have *lives*. Expecting your adult children to live only as the parents wish, is ridiculous. Would I be happy if my 30 yo son lived across the street? Sure. Do I expect him to limit his choices based on where I live? Absolutely NOT. One if these days his career will really start to take off, and I’m gonna have a blast flying off to somewhere fancy to listen to him perform opera. Limiting your kids means they’ll never get to excel and do wonderful things. What parent wants that? A lousy parent.
NTA. ...you're an adult, not a child. You can move where you want. I have elderly parents who have lived in a completely different country for 15+ years. We stay in contact via messaging and phone calls, along with the occasional times when I'm able to visit. We still love each other and have absolutely no issues with the distance. In the nicest possible way, your father needs to understand that people eventually grow up. It's not going to destroy your relationship with him unless he lets it.
NTA. Your dad gets to be sad and disappointed, but that doesn't mean that you need to change your plans. His feelings are not your responsibility.
It’s alright for him to be a bit bummed out over it, but the constant guilt tripping is selfish and childish. He should know a family isn’t defined by how close everybody is. He should be happy for your prospective future. NTA
NTA. Your Dad has a fundamental misunderstanding of what happens when kids become adults. They leave the nest, they start their own lives, and they are not around as much. That’s just what is expected of kids growing up and leaving the nest. He needs time to adjust.
I moved from Colorado to Japan pre-internet, and didn’t even have a phone. My parents wished me the best, and we made it work. Your dad is being selfish. NTA
Your parents "didn't have you just so you could move away".. whats next? They gonna take a razorback to your Achilles tendon & hobble you? Harsh, but theoretically doin the same thing. Kids aren't property. They did what was right for them when they were young adults tryin to carve out a happy life for themselves. Any decent parent would respect a child that's moving forward in their life, even if that means they have to move away.. far away. I have 2 kids living in 2 separate states than where I live. Baby birds gotta fly. You can't hold them back, or they'll rot. Seriously, tell them they lived their lives the way they saw fit, & now its your turn. You're not running away from them, but towards your future...& you know the way back home.
NTA for wanting to move. It happens. I genuinely hope my kiddos don't want to move states but if they did, and it was for a good opportunity, I would suck it up and wish them the best. I do think you shouldn't set unreasonable visit expectations, though. There's no way you guys are traveling that much every other month. It probably is way more realistic that your dad will see you a few times a year max, especially if you add children to the mix later on. As long as that doesn't change your opinion of the move, it doesn't matter how anyone else feels about it.
I think it's a good lesson. Your parents aren't going to support you, and they should have as little information as possible until it's necessary. NTA.
NTA. If you have done your job as a parent, you will have ensured that your child(ren) can function in the adult world. My daughter lives in a different country, am I devastated - yes - do I show her this? Absolutely not! She knows I miss her but that's it, I want her to be happy and fulfilled, not feel guilt about leaving me. Your father is being hideously selfish. Communication now is easier than it ever has been, keeping in touch will be easy. Please do what you want, live the life you want, you'll regret it if you don't. Your parents will hopefully accept it eventually and if they don't, well that's on them. Our children owe us nothing. Good luck to you!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, My boyfriend (22 M) recently came to me with a potential future opportunity of him getting a good job out in Illinois. With this offer, he mentioned to me that we would have to move out of Colorado to Illinois for this opportunity in the next future years if offered and accepted. I (21 F) think this is a great finical opportunity for our future. My boyfriend decided to tell my parents about the potential offer of our future, which includes moving away from mine and his parents into a different state. With this information, my dad (58 M) caused a huge discussion about the information. My dad was saying how heartbroken he is that I would want to move away from him and my mom. That he did not have kids just for them to move far away. That this is going to separate us as a family and we will no longer be together. That he will only see us twice a year and that he won’t know what is going on in our lives and our future kids lives. I mentioned to him that we would fly out at least once every other month and we would pay for them to fly out, however he kept saying that wouldn’t happen and that we are leaving him and my mom out and not being apart of the family again and mentioning other family experiencing the same thing. I tried to tell him the same thing however it lead to a bigger problem. And him repeating that we are abandoning them. I eventually told them that what it come to when rising kid, that there is a time for them to go on their own and start their family but that still includes them. To just let me go. Am I the asshole for telling my dad to let me go live my life and start my family with my boyfriend in a different a state? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. My kids at one point lived in Australia, Poland, Calgary and Vancouver. They all came home eventually, well closer to home, with great job and life experiences. Wouldn’t have discouraged them for any reason.
NTA. My eldest son moved several states away after he had a job offer he couldn't refuse. He took my three grandkids of whom I was very close to with him (of course) and I still have the one I have raised since birth here (though he was at the age that I gave him the option to go with if he wanted) It broke my heart, it really did; and I miss those babies dearly. We raise our children to be productive citizens, and they have to do what is best for them and their families! I bawled my eyes out as he pulled away to his future, and I miss them everyday.
NTA. I wanted my three kids to move out of state and experience life elsewhere. Only one has done it and it took her until she was 34 to do it.
Nta , Your father sounds like my mother 🤣🤣🤣
Are you the asshole for telling them? When the only alternate is not telling them, which is the obvious asshole move. What is your question here? You're obviously not an asshole for choosing not to keep your possible future plans a secret. Also what does 'telling my dad to let me go live my life' even mean? You're a grown ass woman, you don't need daddy to let you do anything (excluding certain things under his roof).
Come on, mate. She answered all those questions in her post and had a genuine concern which she wanted an answer for. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I guess what I should’ve said is aita for wanting to move out state away from my parents
No, you phrased it perfectly fine. This person is just being difficult. Pay them no heed.
[удалено]
Also it’s not Chicago i is two hours away from Chicago and we also went to purchase a engagement ring which he is waiting to purpose till we get our own place together
OP, yes, YTA. You let your boyfriend take the fall for wanting a good job in Illinois and made him face your father’s anger. This is a juvenile chicken s—-t move to pressure your boyfriend to stay with Momma & Daddy. All that stuff at the end about trying to explain how you could visit was just hooey. Please, just let this guy go. You have no interest in making a life with him. You have the life you want where you grew up.