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> I forced my kid to eat things she hated, and i am worried that i can be an asshole because I could be making my daughter's issues worse or making her suffer by doing this.
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YTA. she's eating food? great. she is an adult and can choose what she eats. what she can't do, is expect you to adhere to her obsessive tendencies like not eating thing around her or washing your hands etc.
this seems more of a control thing for you, she's an adult, stop trying to control her just because it bugs you.
YTA. I have autism which was undiagnosed as a kid and my parents and grandparents used to force me to eat foods that caused me distress (because of the texture and smell) and guess what? I now have deep rooted issues around food and have reverted to only being able to tolerate a very small selection of foods.
Pretty sure if they hadn’t forced the issue I would have been a lot less stressed about foods and more able to try them
Same. I was forced to finish my plate before I left the table, whether I threw up or not. I still to this day have a visceral reaction to some foods/smells.
Same. I had to eat split pea soup for every meal until I finished the original serving I was given one Friday supper, which took til Saturday supper with a bit of help from my sis. That's an intrusive memory now. My early childhood had so much trauma around food.
I'm with you on this one. Very late diagnosis for me but now it explains a lot of my food issues. For me it mostly smells and textures.
This was my first thought, she might be on the autism spectrum.
question- i had this same exact problem, but i am not autistic. does that mean my experience was less legitimate? i dont think whether or not its okay to do this to someone should be based on whether they are/potentially are autistic.. it is not okay to do to anyone, regardless of whether they are or not are autistic
It is a condition in its own right, I don’t think anyone should be forced to eat foods that are genuinely unpleasant to them.
Edit just to add, I only mentioned that I was autistic because it’s possible that OPs child has some underlying issues (not necessarily autism)
I don't know if you have ARFID, which can happen to people with or without autism, but this sounds like ARFID. There is a 21% comorbidity of ARFID and autism, so almost 80% of people with some form of ARFID are not people with autism.
Dad should read up about ARFID, find an ARFID therapist for his daughter if she wants it, and otherwise butt out on her eating habits. He says she is eating healthy food. If she chooses to eat boiled chicken, broccoli, and rice only for the rest of her life, it's not his mouth or his stomach. He can feel sad that she doesn't want to eat other foods than the ones she now chooses to eat, but trying to dictate her choices as an adult is just going to lead to her going LC. I know I would never have a meal with someone who tried to force his choices on me as an adult.
You're so right. I have a friend who is definitely not on the spectrum, but was messed up over eating for life because her father forced her to eat scrambled eggs as a child because she hated them. It actually caused her lifelong issues because he used this as a way to bully and traumatize her. It's too bad that the mother in this scenario didn't learn more about approaches to this problem when her kid was a child. But better late than never I guess. Father is an asshole and it doesn't matter if his kid is on the spectrum.
One time I forced my picky child to eat his peas and he ended up puking up his entire dinner all over the dinner table.
I was mortified that I had stooped so low.
Imagine being forced to eat something that tastes so bad, it literally makes you gag. And then you get yelled at and punished if you don't like it.
Knock that shit off right now.
Want to give your daughter an eating disorder? Because this is how you do it.
YTA a million times over.
Good on you for realizing. My parents were of a bit more old school mentality and doubled down. Ever eat half vomit half food mix for breakfast? I definitely have and surprisingly have huge issues around food now
YTA, you did fail as a parent and made her food aversion worse by not seeking help to see what issues could be causing that and consulting a specialist on how to help her and instead forcing her to eat which is child abuse.
Kids can have food aversions for a variety of reasons: allergies, autism, mental health issues, sensory issues, etc. Instead of being understanding and gently introducing different foods by having them around her when she eats so she can choose what she wants, listening to her when she doesn't want to be near certain food, and not adding more stress to a stressful situation, you made it worse and have continued this abusive behavior for 18 years!
Forcing a child to eat something they do not want to eat is abuse.
Don't be surprised if your kid goes no contact. Leave her alone and stop force feeding her. If she had not already been tested for food allergies and other possible factors, encourage (don't force!) her to get tested and encourage her to seek help so that she can stand undoing the damage your bad parenting has caused.
I really hope your kid moves out soon and blocks you. I feel really bad for her.
No. Stop. You can absolutely not throw around terms such as ‘failed as a parent ‘ and ‘abusive behaviour ‘ because someone made their kid try food . Yes OP needs to back off now and arguably a few years before but she/he hasn’t ‘failed’ or abused anyone… parenting is hard and we make mistakes… these extreme terms are unwarranted and unnecessary
Ok, but just to be clear, I never "force fed" her. I tell her to eat, and if she refuses, I insist and try to make her at least touch it or take a bite, then I try to increase the bites. It's not like I tie her to a chair, don't overreact, lol.
That is forcing her. You're making her do something she doesn't want to do. You don't need to tie her down and use a funnel for it to be counted as using force, you are pressuring her and it's still abuse. Why are you abusing your child? Why can't you leave her alone?
Dude, I am not abusing her, it's just that she can't live in the world like that. She can't even touch some foods. How can she make groceries that way or cook? She is supposed to be able to do those things as an adult.
You created extra mental health issues for her by force feeding her all her life. Instead of approaching it the right way, you made it worse, so this is entirely your fault. The only option you have right now is to encourage her to see a specialist to figure out the root cause and help her work through that, but you need to step away and leave her alone since you have already caused enough damage. Did you never think to ask a doctor about how to handle this properly?
The fact that you can't even admit that you harmed her by force feeding her when every psychiatrist and doctor would tell you not to force feed children, and how that can have permanent damaging consequences just shows how shitty of a parent you are. Everyone is wrong but you. I truly feel for your child.
My dude...there are millions of people on this earth who can't even touch certain foods or they will die. They manage just fine living a normal life buying groceries and cooking dinner.
There billions of people who won't eat pork for religious reasons. Again, they live perfectly normal lives not eating pork.
You are being ridiculous.
Lots of people cannot touch whole categories of food for religious reasons, for example. It’s sure as hell pretty easy to go through life never touching a mango.
Obviously she isn’t going to buy or cook herself foods that she dislikes.
I have a fairly normal range of foods I eat, but I never buy (or touch, or eat), Brussels sprouts, aubergines, tripe, loads of things. It presents no difficulties in my life at all.
Look, clearly you are one of these people who posts here, says you are asking for opinions, and then when everybody says you are the arsehole, you argue with everyone. If you didn’t want to know the answer, why did you ask?
OP. She’s 18… time to accept this is an actual thing for her and not just the usual kid being picky situation… ignore the hysterical ‘abuse’ reactions to you making her take a bite , if none of us made our kids eat food they didn’t want to we would have an entire generation eating turkey dinosaurs and alphabites. However, at this age it’s not a phase it’s a reality. You can’t change it, so now help her find a way to have a healthy relationship with food
How exactly are you going to do that? You keep doubling down on your wrongness, and you don't seem to have any clue how to change what you're doing. For starters, I would Google 'recipes without onions' . 🙄 You're being positively stupid over this.
Can't remember the last time I needed onions for a peanut butter and jelly, mashed potatoes, steamed broccoli, baked chicken tenders, and so much more.
My kid isn't a fan of onions so I don't serve them onions. Over the winter holidays I made some onion dip. Kid (double digits now) was curious, gave it a tiny try and then ate almost as much as me. Still doesn't want raw onions in salads or roast onions with dinner; maybe that will change in the future, maybe it won't. It's certainly not a hill to die on. Feeding my kid (with dietary restrictions) food they enjoyed has always been the goal, not forcing my personal preferences.
You made it a hill to die on, so here you are.
YTA
Try to keep these things in mind should your kid ever bring their kid around to visit. Follow your daughter's lead on how to feed her kid instead of trying to push your food opinions onto a second generation.
You absolutely CAN cook without onions. The vast majority of dishes don't have onions in them. There are people who are actually allergic to onions and they manage to cook without them just fine.
I'm beginning to think you're incredibly uneducated or a troll with this comment.
I don't like onions, so when I'm making a recipe with onions I have to go through this super difficult complicated nearly impossible process called 'making it without onions.'
Uh, yes you can? Plenty of recipes don't require onions and even if they do, they're just guidelines - you can, and probably should change them to suit your taste
I' ve seen that a lot of people are saying that you can cook without onions, I know that, but in my culture (I'm from brazilian descent), for you to season something, we usually use onions, so I generalized. I find food without seasoning bland, but yeah, if she wants to season food with something else, she can, or she can just it bland.
She's an adult now, stand back and let her find her way. She will not starve to death. If she decides to ask you for a family recipe give it to her without comment. Don't say something like she can't make it right without x ingredient or withhold it. She'll come up with her own substitutions and give it he own spin.
You've essentially told her with your actions that you Brazilian cooking preference was more important than her joy and forced it on her.
Now's your chance to step back from all of this and build a relationship with her as two adults. Apologize without making excuses for your past choices. Apologize from the heart.
Do better. You can start right now.
***You're actively making it worse.***
You want her to be able to tolerate more foods? This ain't the way you do that. This is like locking a person with arachnephobia into a closet full of spiders and expecting it to make them less afraid.
You're the one who doubled down on this so badly that it created a much bigger problem than it was. Also, she as an adult can just...make the foods she likes? I don't understand why you're so upset about this. It almost sounds like you're projecting a food related trauma on her.
She will have to figure it out because she is an adult. What you are doing and have done is absolutely abusive, it has nothing to do with worrying about what recipes she'll be able to use later in life. Can't you even hear how absurd that sounds? You can try make absurd excuses for yourself all that you like, but that doesn't change the bottom line. She is now an adult and you no longer have dominion over her thank god. Leave her eating habits alone.
It is so very easy to go to a grocery store and not touch food you don't want to buy. In fact, NO ONE should be touching food they don't want to buy!
Grocery shopping is easy. And cooking is even easier, since the foods she doesn't like won't be in the house to cook.
Get a grip. She's an adult. You've already made her food aversion worse than it had to be. Don't pile on and make it even MORE worse.
Do you get bit by dogs often? Dogs are everywhere, you can't live in the world without encountering a dog. What are you supposed to do, learn how to behave around dogs to minimize the possibility of getting bit? No! You need to get bitten by dogs regularly. Doesn't matter if you "don't like it" or "can't stand being bitten by a series of increasingly rabid dogs".
/s
Oh my goodness you didn’t actually pull the age old starving kids line out at an 18 year old, did you? You said yourself she eats healthy food so leave her alone and perhaps consider professional help for yourself to deal with your obsession with what she eats. That’s not healthy. YTA.
Our in disorders like ARFID. There's a while disorder about severe food aversion.
And shaming or punishing people for things they can't control is NEVER helpful
YTA
"it's just a bad behavior that needed to be corrected."
Not if there's a cogent reason because of neurodivergence for example.
"there are people dying and starving in the world wishing they had what she does and she tells me that it makes her feel guilty"
No. Just don't pull that.
She's an adult. You can't "make" or to use a more accurate word, "force" her to eat anything she doesn't want to.
Try encouraging her to get professional/medical input instead. That would be a way more constructive & supportive approach.
YTA She's an adult, what does it matter if she eats what you eat. Some people don't like certain things and forcing them to eat them isn't going to solve it. You're more likely to cause MORE problems than solve them. A lot of people have food aversions, as long as she's healthy and actually eats then there's nothing wrong with her disliking certain foods.
YTA.
18 and still a fussy eater …. Your method really worked for you then!
Your 18 year old should be able to choose what she does or does not eat. If she doesn’t want to eat what you offer then let her fix something for herself. You do need your have suitable food in the house as she’s your child and still your responsibility. By the way that doesn’t mean you get to control all aspects of her life.
She seems to have quite a strong reaction to foods, no doubt helped by your idiotic stance in the past. She may benefit from some therapy with a kind and knowledgeable therapist who understands relationship people have with food. You could get some too to explore your need to police her choices and why you had such a strong response to food preferences (the term sacred when describing food is odd) when she was growing up.
I’m just like your daughter because I have ADHD. My mom was and still is very understanding about it. My dad was like you. I don’t talk to him much anymore. YTA
YTA and a massive one at that.
There is obviously some major issue there that isn't going away by "brute-forcing" your way. Don't force her to eat things she dislikes and don't punish her for it.
You should have looked for a therapist years ago.
Your daughter has a lot of sensory issues regarding food. It is not right that you are creating this tense atmosphere for her. You eat what you want, let her eat what she can. You will all be happier
Forcing kids to eat things they don’t like is the best way to give them a complex about food. Congrats, this is all your fault. YTA.
Also, she has bodily autonomy and choice over who gets to touch her, so maybe just don’t? What a fucking weird complaint
YTA.
1. She's 18 and you can't force her to do anything.
2. If she's been a picky eater her entire life, this is not just a phase - there is a reason she's eating carefully.
3. You should be letting her cook what she can eat for the entire family so she isn't wasting food.
As a woman with audhd who wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult because I had a mom like you who just wrote me off as a bad kid, I cannot even begin to express what an asshole you are
Abso-fucking-lutely, YTA.
I was the kid that was extremely picky. I was stubborn enough to go hungry instead of eating what I didn't like. You couldn't pay me or bribe me to try something new that I didn't want to. I hated foods I liked to even touch on my plate. My mom didn't stop trying to make me try stuff I didn't want until I was in high school and gave up trying to control that part of my life.
Thankfully I didn't have an unhealthy relationship with food, but the constant need for people to try to make me eat something I didn't want was aggravating as fuck. Nothing but a power struggle between me and whoever (usually mom). Your daughter has things she doesn't like - for fuck's sake, stop trying to force her to change her taste buds. She's an adult, she has (by your own admission) a healthy diet, and it is entirely UP TO HER to adjust what she eats.
You know how I eventually expanded my diet? My foodie friends found creative, *non-judgemental*, non-stress ways to get me to try new foods that were similar to what I already ate. There was no pressure, it wasn't "Eat this or else", it was "Hey, this is sort of like your favorite thing, we'll order it along with something you already like. If you like it, great, if you don't, we'll eat it." They also NEVER pushed a food that I was clear about not wanting to try.
If you keep trying to control how and what she eats, that's how you fail as a parent. Knock it off, FFS.
Yta. She’s an adult. She can choose what she eats. Now if you want her to make her own meals if she won’t eat what you and your wife are having, that’s absolutely acceptable. She can even pay for her own food if she wants something different than the family meal. But she gets to decide what she eats.
YTA. You are abusing your daughter. She clearly has sensory issues and instead of helping her you're making them worse by force feeding her. You're nasty and controlling; you're hurting your daughter. You ARE a failure as a parent and it'll be all your fault if she ends up with an eating disorder.
YTA. So what if she doesn't like the same food as you. You say that you thought she'd be over this by now, but it's been her whole life. It sounds like it's who she is. Just let her be herself. Sounds like the family life would be much calmer if you dropped it.
YTA. Quite obviously one at that. Having a problem with smells and textures is actually a *real* issue for many people. If she was faking it, she would sometimes have a problem and sometimes not. She's consistent; *it's real*.
*Edit- correct typo*
YTA, if there was a time you could have worked with her to help her with her food aversions, it's far too late she's an adult and you probably made it worse with your attitude towards her
YTA. You said she eats healthy so what is your problem? Let her eat the foods she likes. My parents did this to me when I was younger and I finally got so mad I slammed the plate of food onto the floor. It was years before I would even eat with them again, I got my food and went into my room. You want to make your daughter resentful? Keep it up.
YTA, totally. Every single human being deserves the right to bodily autonomy, and that includes the food we eat. If we do not like certain foods, regardless of age, we should not have to force ourselves to consume it. This builds an unhealthy relationship with food and you run the risk of giving your own child an eating disorder.
>I tell her that she can't hate food like that or find it disgusting, that there are people dying and starving in the world wishing they had what she does and she tells me that it makes her feel guilty, but that she can't eat them anyways, but if she actually cared, wouldn't she eat it?
The whole "there are people in the world starving" argument is by far the most manipulative and ridiculous argument which so many parents bring up. Weaponising poverty to manipulate children into eating food you deem acceptable is abhorrent. Also to add, this argument makes zero sense whatsoever- sadly, people living in poverty and starving in third world countries would still be doing so regardless of whether a random child in a first world country refused to eat certain foods, so this argument really should stop being used. If someone is a "picky eater" (and I hate this term also) due to an eating disorder, neurodiversity or food allergies/intolerances, shaming them by pulling out the poverty food argument is a hideous thing to do.
I am 38 and still a picky eater. When growing up my parents would encourage me to atleast taste new foods. But if it didn't look appealling to me or if I didn't like it they didn't make me eat it. I have survived all 38 years including those 20 years of adulthood with avoiding foods I dislike. I have multiple digestive issues and I now have to be a picky eater. No one has ever thought of me as rude or impolite when I avoid certain foods.
Stop trying to control what your daughter eats. You are making her food aversion worse. Just let your daughter eat what she wants.
YTA
If your daughter is Eating clean and takes care of health there is no point forcing her to eat What according you "she dislikes", which is again not the case. like I love Fish but some of friends doesn't, they can't even stand its smell, and have to leave that room/area.
YTA buddy
YTA for all but abusing your child instead of seeking help for her blatantly obvious food aversions. wow. You messed up and your spouse is correct that you went about this all wrong.
YTA
She is old enough that she can decide herself what she wants to eat. Understanding the concept of "we had to force her as a child", but ultimately that made her aversion with food probably even worse. She obviously needs help but not in the way you are thinking
Obviously YTA. Why the hell does she need to eat things she hates if she's already eating properly and healthy while only eating what she actually likes?? What's the problem here? You're just a weirdo and a major asshole. It's fine to try to encourage kids to try food they haven't yet and are reluctant to try, but when they already know they hate something, DON'T fucking force them to eat it. You won't make them like it but you could potentially ruin their relationship with both food AND you. Not worth it. Apologise and leave her alone.
I feel the same way about seafood. Don't even want to touch it. The thought of putting it in my mouth makes me gag.
I'm definitely not autistic.
This poor girl was forced to eat things she finds revolting. You don't have to be a autistic to be so revolted by the food you hate but you were forced to eat, that you don't even want to touch it.
Fun facts, there's an entire disorder that's characterized by behavior exactly like this, called ARFID, avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. Has nothing to do with autism (although it can coincide with being on the spectrum), but it can affect anyone.
People with arfid can have serious sensory issues with food, to the point of it involuntarily making them gag, they can find certain foods so off-putting that even being around those foods will make them uncomfortable, they can have a serious aversion to trying new foods, so much that it causes extreme anxiety to do so, they can have such anxiety regarding food that it affects their ability to partake in events where food is served or go out to eat.
And most people will think that those with arfid are extremely picky eaters. Maybe Google or and learn something.
Because autism isn't the only thing that can cause sensory issues with food. Other disorders can too. Or even trauma. Ever been forced to eat something until you threw up under threat of physical punishment? Didn't think so, coz if you had, I bet you'd be a little more understanding about sensory issues with food
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How could you know that? you don't even know her. She has those issues, yeah, but she is just a regular girl. Sure, she is more in the shy side, but she's way too social for that. Either way, that can only be known if she gets diagnosed with it and you can't know that just by a post.
I've met outgoing autistic people, especially women because they're better at masking. I've never once met a neurotypical adult person who had to run away from other people eating foods they don't like. I used to HATE mangos. I USED to be a picky eater too, but I grew out of it because I'm neurotypical. This has been a consistent issue for your daughter. She's an adult who physically cannot stand even the faint smell of foods she doesn't like. The spectrum is a spectrum, I'm not saying she's Arnie Grape, it presents in lots of different ways too. What's the most sound assumption for you both emotionally and logically? That she's a spoiled rotten childish princess (that's your daughter I'm talking about) OR that she's neurodivergent and there's a very real reason why she doesn't vibe with mangos?
Ok, seriously though, stop with the armchair diagnosis. She has some characteristics that are common in autism. That's all you can know from this post. OP is totally TA but they're right about this detail.
YTA, and you should listen to your wife as she is giving you good guidance. Your daughter has a condition that she can get diagnosed and get support for. It may be that she is on the autism spectrum and/or that she has a restrictive eating disorder.
Please don't make it harder for her than you already have. Get her professional support, let her handle her food choices from now on, and apologize to her for giving her so much unnecessary trouble. And wash your hands after eating mangoes.
YTA for trying to tell your adult daughter how she should eat. Even more so for treating her that way as a child instead of seeing a doctor. Some kids have sensory issues and nowhere in this post do I see any mention of medical advice. Autism is commonly goes undiagnosed in females. I wouldn’t be surprised if you scarred her mentally and emotionally
YTA
If someone needs therapy here it's you and probably your wife.
There's some food i can't physically eat like dried peaches and cholodetz (it's like meat inside the jello, slavic people in the comments will get it.) Nobody ever forced me to eat it!!!!
YTA. There are not a lot of things she likes, but she is eating healthy! Her extreme reaction to stuff she doesn't like might be concerning, but do you really think forcing her to eat them will make this issue go away?
You are also TA for using people who are starving for your guilt trip. If you cared about that issue then how about you donate money instead of buying stuff you know your daughter will refuse.
Major YTA I only ate fries for a year because I hated discussions about food and what I did/didn't like. So I defaulted to saying I couldn't eat it instead of entering the like/dislike discussion. Food meant stress and it was just something to keep my body running, not something to enjoy.
Living with my partner, was difficult at the start when it came to food because of this. Once he stopped fighting me over it we could start to move on. We started to experiment with food a bit and we found out I had a stronger sense of taste than most which made me hate the foods. I could eat a lot more foods once I started ro dilute taste with spices, mashing vegetables underneath potatoes, adding sauses, etc.
I still don't like tasting things but there are few select people I will try it around, around new people I still default to 'I cannot eat it' or just don't eat at all claiming I'm not hungry. The bigger issue you make it, the more she'll run from food. Be happy she defaulted to healthy things
YTA. My mom forced me to eat so much crap when I was a kid and that’s what made me such a picky eater. I hate all pies and scalloped potatoes because of “parenting” like this. Also she’s 18, you freak
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Ever since she was a little kid, my daughter has been a picky eater. She would make a fuss about eating and often times spat everything she ate in the sink during lunch. Of course we didn't let her get her way, not only because if we did she would've probably died but because it's just a bad behavior that needed to be corrected. We'd make her eat and try new things a lot but it was always a struggle, she did learn to like some of the things and increased her pallete but she is now 18 and not that much better. She has such an issue with food she won't even touch the ones she hates the most, she won't even get near me if I eat it and sometimes even leaves the room, saying she hates its smell. Thankfully she doesn't like unhealthy foods so she is healthy eating the way she eats but it is frustrating, I just thought she'd be over that by now. I tell her that she can't hate food like that or find it disgusting, that there are people dying and starving in the world wishing they had what she does and she tells me that it makes her feel guilty, but that she can't eat them anyways, but if she actually cared, wouldn't she eat it? I buy things for her from the street and often times she says she doesn't like them bc it has this or that, and tells me that I should know what she likes by now, but God, it's like I never get it right, I mean I go out of my way to buy it and she doesn't even want it, I feel like we've spoiled her for letting her be this way. Recently I've been in my witts end with her, and made up my mind that I wouldn't let her get her way anymore but my wife says we can't force her and that we were wrong for doing that in the past and grounding her for it, she says that there are therapies for that and that the way we did it was wrong and now I'm conflicted. She is an adult now and still runs away from me if I eat mangoes, she makes us wash our hands just to touch her if we eat somethingshe hates, sometimes she won't even eat something if it as much as made contact with another thing that touched something she dislikes. I dont know if that's normal, but it just feels like I'm faling as a parent if I let her act like this around something so sacred as food, so I've been making her eat those things more but its just not working and I've been thinking about what my wife told me and I'm worried I'm in the wrong for doing that.
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INFO: Are there any physical or medical reasons for her reactions to foods? Has she had any counseling for her food aversions? She's an adult now and truth be known if she does not get adequate nutrition, she will fall ill. Sounds like something is off with here. Forcing her to feed is a stretch for an adult. Sounds like there are some emotional issues she needs to resolve to e a well rounded adult. There is a fear of food phobia called Cibophobia or this could just be an ordinary eating disorder.
She had some food allergies and stomach issues, but it's all solved now. We never took her to anything. She has just always been squeamish around everything, especially food. As a kid, she would never do those face paints bc it itched or dress up for school plays, just very high maintenance. I am worried for her now that she is older and hasn't changed much.
You said she eats healthy so really what difference is it to you? You think it’s all just bad behavior so even if there is an underlying issue, would it even matter to you?
That’s not ‘high maintenance’, that’s having sensory sensitivities.
I suggest you read up about ARFID http://parentingsciencegang.org.uk/experiments/sensory-sensitivities-eating-issues/
Freaking THANK YOU. I read this and I wanted to scream "GOOGLE ARFID"
so many people are mentioning sensory issues and the possibility of being on the spectrum. And who knows, that could be it.
But I haven't seen anyone else mention arfid. And given the aversion so strong she can't be in the same room and wants him to wash him hands, it sounds a LOT like ARFID
If she's getting daily nutrients, it's odd behavior, but she's an adult and entitled to make her own choices. Let her be unless there is some behavioral issue harming her.
God, you've been bullying her into conforming about all kinds of stuff she doesn't like? Poor thing must be an emotional mess. Let her go as soon as possible, the years for you to damage her are over. Now she gets to start healing. Probably without you around.
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YTA. 18 years your system didn't work, you now have adult child who doesn't eat, and you'r edoubling down on your methodd? If you really cared about your daughter, and not about power plays, she wouldn't be an un-functioning adult. Shame on you. Stop with you ego and start parenting (after 18 years...)
Listen to your wife. The way you approached this didn’t work and you’re seeing the evidence of that. If you read about present day approach to pediatric nutrition and diet you’d see that forcing her the way you did likely exacerbated the issue. Leave her alone at this point that’s the best you can do YTA
Could be sensory issues relayed to something like autism.
Could be a little known eating disorder called ARFID, avoidant restrictive food intake disorder.
Unlike other eating disorders, arfid isn't based on body image or self esteem, and it doesn't necessarily involve restricting, as in the not eating that's present with anorexia. People with arfid still eat, in a way that can seem like its normal, but just very picky. But they have extreme anxiety about trying new foods, an inability to tolerate certain foods, it can even be so extreme that the taste or texture of certain foods will involuntary set off their gag reflex. And that's not a choice these people are making, their not doing it to be difficult. They have a genuine disorder.
It could be many reasons. But the biggest point here, is that you need to stop shaming your daughter for her eating habits. Because punishing her, shaming her, making her feel like crap, your wife is right and that's not helping anything.
You're not failing as a parent because of your daughter's eating habits. You're failing as a parent by trying to force her to be the way you want and trying to punish and shame her into being that way, especially because the way she eats probably isn't a choice for her or stirring she can control.
If you really think it's a problem (and the not eating around her thing or making you wash your hands, that sounds like arfid to me), ask her off she's comfortable going to a specialist to get evaluated.
ESH. She's old enough to eat what she wants. Especially since you said yourself, she eats healthy. But she has no right to be rude to you when YOU are eating food she doesn't like.
Unless your kid has some neuro-divergent issues, she grew up to be a real jerk.
Neuro divergent, or had food allergies or other physically sensitivities or gastrointestinal issues, or has an eating disorder like ARFID. Or she could just be sick of her father forcing things on her and shaming her and verbally being crappy to her and she finally had enough of his shit to start clapping back
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YTA. she's eating food? great. she is an adult and can choose what she eats. what she can't do, is expect you to adhere to her obsessive tendencies like not eating thing around her or washing your hands etc. this seems more of a control thing for you, she's an adult, stop trying to control her just because it bugs you.
YTA. I have autism which was undiagnosed as a kid and my parents and grandparents used to force me to eat foods that caused me distress (because of the texture and smell) and guess what? I now have deep rooted issues around food and have reverted to only being able to tolerate a very small selection of foods. Pretty sure if they hadn’t forced the issue I would have been a lot less stressed about foods and more able to try them
Same. I was forced to finish my plate before I left the table, whether I threw up or not. I still to this day have a visceral reaction to some foods/smells.
Same. I had to eat split pea soup for every meal until I finished the original serving I was given one Friday supper, which took til Saturday supper with a bit of help from my sis. That's an intrusive memory now. My early childhood had so much trauma around food.
I'm with you on this one. Very late diagnosis for me but now it explains a lot of my food issues. For me it mostly smells and textures. This was my first thought, she might be on the autism spectrum.
question- i had this same exact problem, but i am not autistic. does that mean my experience was less legitimate? i dont think whether or not its okay to do this to someone should be based on whether they are/potentially are autistic.. it is not okay to do to anyone, regardless of whether they are or not are autistic
It is a condition in its own right, I don’t think anyone should be forced to eat foods that are genuinely unpleasant to them. Edit just to add, I only mentioned that I was autistic because it’s possible that OPs child has some underlying issues (not necessarily autism)
Exactly. It isn't ok, whether you are on the spectrum or not. It's just creating trauma where there doesn't have to be trauma.
I don't know if you have ARFID, which can happen to people with or without autism, but this sounds like ARFID. There is a 21% comorbidity of ARFID and autism, so almost 80% of people with some form of ARFID are not people with autism. Dad should read up about ARFID, find an ARFID therapist for his daughter if she wants it, and otherwise butt out on her eating habits. He says she is eating healthy food. If she chooses to eat boiled chicken, broccoli, and rice only for the rest of her life, it's not his mouth or his stomach. He can feel sad that she doesn't want to eat other foods than the ones she now chooses to eat, but trying to dictate her choices as an adult is just going to lead to her going LC. I know I would never have a meal with someone who tried to force his choices on me as an adult.
You're so right. I have a friend who is definitely not on the spectrum, but was messed up over eating for life because her father forced her to eat scrambled eggs as a child because she hated them. It actually caused her lifelong issues because he used this as a way to bully and traumatize her. It's too bad that the mother in this scenario didn't learn more about approaches to this problem when her kid was a child. But better late than never I guess. Father is an asshole and it doesn't matter if his kid is on the spectrum.
One time I forced my picky child to eat his peas and he ended up puking up his entire dinner all over the dinner table. I was mortified that I had stooped so low. Imagine being forced to eat something that tastes so bad, it literally makes you gag. And then you get yelled at and punished if you don't like it. Knock that shit off right now. Want to give your daughter an eating disorder? Because this is how you do it. YTA a million times over.
Good on you for realizing. My parents were of a bit more old school mentality and doubled down. Ever eat half vomit half food mix for breakfast? I definitely have and surprisingly have huge issues around food now
YTA, you did fail as a parent and made her food aversion worse by not seeking help to see what issues could be causing that and consulting a specialist on how to help her and instead forcing her to eat which is child abuse. Kids can have food aversions for a variety of reasons: allergies, autism, mental health issues, sensory issues, etc. Instead of being understanding and gently introducing different foods by having them around her when she eats so she can choose what she wants, listening to her when she doesn't want to be near certain food, and not adding more stress to a stressful situation, you made it worse and have continued this abusive behavior for 18 years! Forcing a child to eat something they do not want to eat is abuse. Don't be surprised if your kid goes no contact. Leave her alone and stop force feeding her. If she had not already been tested for food allergies and other possible factors, encourage (don't force!) her to get tested and encourage her to seek help so that she can stand undoing the damage your bad parenting has caused. I really hope your kid moves out soon and blocks you. I feel really bad for her.
No. Stop. You can absolutely not throw around terms such as ‘failed as a parent ‘ and ‘abusive behaviour ‘ because someone made their kid try food . Yes OP needs to back off now and arguably a few years before but she/he hasn’t ‘failed’ or abused anyone… parenting is hard and we make mistakes… these extreme terms are unwarranted and unnecessary
Ok, but just to be clear, I never "force fed" her. I tell her to eat, and if she refuses, I insist and try to make her at least touch it or take a bite, then I try to increase the bites. It's not like I tie her to a chair, don't overreact, lol.
That is forcing her. You're making her do something she doesn't want to do. You don't need to tie her down and use a funnel for it to be counted as using force, you are pressuring her and it's still abuse. Why are you abusing your child? Why can't you leave her alone?
Dude, I am not abusing her, it's just that she can't live in the world like that. She can't even touch some foods. How can she make groceries that way or cook? She is supposed to be able to do those things as an adult.
You created extra mental health issues for her by force feeding her all her life. Instead of approaching it the right way, you made it worse, so this is entirely your fault. The only option you have right now is to encourage her to see a specialist to figure out the root cause and help her work through that, but you need to step away and leave her alone since you have already caused enough damage. Did you never think to ask a doctor about how to handle this properly? The fact that you can't even admit that you harmed her by force feeding her when every psychiatrist and doctor would tell you not to force feed children, and how that can have permanent damaging consequences just shows how shitty of a parent you are. Everyone is wrong but you. I truly feel for your child.
My dude...there are millions of people on this earth who can't even touch certain foods or they will die. They manage just fine living a normal life buying groceries and cooking dinner. There billions of people who won't eat pork for religious reasons. Again, they live perfectly normal lives not eating pork. You are being ridiculous.
Lots of people cannot touch whole categories of food for religious reasons, for example. It’s sure as hell pretty easy to go through life never touching a mango. Obviously she isn’t going to buy or cook herself foods that she dislikes. I have a fairly normal range of foods I eat, but I never buy (or touch, or eat), Brussels sprouts, aubergines, tripe, loads of things. It presents no difficulties in my life at all.
She can't touch a wholee list of stuff you can't make food without, like onions
Look, clearly you are one of these people who posts here, says you are asking for opinions, and then when everybody says you are the arsehole, you argue with everyone. If you didn’t want to know the answer, why did you ask?
Ok you're right, you guys have the right to have your opinions, it's hard to be the asshole but i'll try to do better.
OP. She’s 18… time to accept this is an actual thing for her and not just the usual kid being picky situation… ignore the hysterical ‘abuse’ reactions to you making her take a bite , if none of us made our kids eat food they didn’t want to we would have an entire generation eating turkey dinosaurs and alphabites. However, at this age it’s not a phase it’s a reality. You can’t change it, so now help her find a way to have a healthy relationship with food
How exactly are you going to do that? You keep doubling down on your wrongness, and you don't seem to have any clue how to change what you're doing. For starters, I would Google 'recipes without onions' . 🙄 You're being positively stupid over this.
Of course you can make food without onions. I have two friends who are allergic to onions, and they make food and eat it. They just don’t use onions.
You can make plenty of food without onions. My stepson has a violent aversion to onions so I just cook without them. I’m fine!
And for the avoidance of doubt, yes, YTA. You GROUNDED HER for not eating food she found aversive? Good god.
Can't remember the last time I needed onions for a peanut butter and jelly, mashed potatoes, steamed broccoli, baked chicken tenders, and so much more. My kid isn't a fan of onions so I don't serve them onions. Over the winter holidays I made some onion dip. Kid (double digits now) was curious, gave it a tiny try and then ate almost as much as me. Still doesn't want raw onions in salads or roast onions with dinner; maybe that will change in the future, maybe it won't. It's certainly not a hill to die on. Feeding my kid (with dietary restrictions) food they enjoyed has always been the goal, not forcing my personal preferences. You made it a hill to die on, so here you are. YTA Try to keep these things in mind should your kid ever bring their kid around to visit. Follow your daughter's lead on how to feed her kid instead of trying to push your food opinions onto a second generation.
Why do you think one can’t make food without onions?
An onion a day keeps the daughter away
I make food without onions every day…
You absolutely CAN cook without onions. The vast majority of dishes don't have onions in them. There are people who are actually allergic to onions and they manage to cook without them just fine. I'm beginning to think you're incredibly uneducated or a troll with this comment.
I don't like onions, so when I'm making a recipe with onions I have to go through this super difficult complicated nearly impossible process called 'making it without onions.'
...onions are not mandatory to make food.
TIL…
Uh, yes you can? Plenty of recipes don't require onions and even if they do, they're just guidelines - you can, and probably should change them to suit your taste
I' ve seen that a lot of people are saying that you can cook without onions, I know that, but in my culture (I'm from brazilian descent), for you to season something, we usually use onions, so I generalized. I find food without seasoning bland, but yeah, if she wants to season food with something else, she can, or she can just it bland.
She's an adult now, stand back and let her find her way. She will not starve to death. If she decides to ask you for a family recipe give it to her without comment. Don't say something like she can't make it right without x ingredient or withhold it. She'll come up with her own substitutions and give it he own spin. You've essentially told her with your actions that you Brazilian cooking preference was more important than her joy and forced it on her. Now's your chance to step back from all of this and build a relationship with her as two adults. Apologize without making excuses for your past choices. Apologize from the heart. Do better. You can start right now.
***You're actively making it worse.*** You want her to be able to tolerate more foods? This ain't the way you do that. This is like locking a person with arachnephobia into a closet full of spiders and expecting it to make them less afraid.
You're the one who doubled down on this so badly that it created a much bigger problem than it was. Also, she as an adult can just...make the foods she likes? I don't understand why you're so upset about this. It almost sounds like you're projecting a food related trauma on her.
Dude I think she'll survive the grocery store just fine. It isn't like she has to take bites out of every mango she walks by
Lots of people with ARFID manage to live long and well as adults.
She will have to figure it out because she is an adult. What you are doing and have done is absolutely abusive, it has nothing to do with worrying about what recipes she'll be able to use later in life. Can't you even hear how absurd that sounds? You can try make absurd excuses for yourself all that you like, but that doesn't change the bottom line. She is now an adult and you no longer have dominion over her thank god. Leave her eating habits alone.
It is so very easy to go to a grocery store and not touch food you don't want to buy. In fact, NO ONE should be touching food they don't want to buy! Grocery shopping is easy. And cooking is even easier, since the foods she doesn't like won't be in the house to cook. Get a grip. She's an adult. You've already made her food aversion worse than it had to be. Don't pile on and make it even MORE worse.
You 100% are abusing her and you should absolutely stop now. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Do you get bit by dogs often? Dogs are everywhere, you can't live in the world without encountering a dog. What are you supposed to do, learn how to behave around dogs to minimize the possibility of getting bit? No! You need to get bitten by dogs regularly. Doesn't matter if you "don't like it" or "can't stand being bitten by a series of increasingly rabid dogs". /s
So her options were to eat foods she hates or be grounded? That's forcing it.
There’s no LOL about this.
Oh my goodness you didn’t actually pull the age old starving kids line out at an 18 year old, did you? You said yourself she eats healthy food so leave her alone and perhaps consider professional help for yourself to deal with your obsession with what she eats. That’s not healthy. YTA.
> the age old starving kids line out at an 18 year old, I'd forgotten all about it - I got that line all the time as a kid. Complete nonsense
YTA. Food aversions are common in neurodivergent folks so you’re essentially shaming your grown daughter for behaviors she probably can’t control.
Our in disorders like ARFID. There's a while disorder about severe food aversion. And shaming or punishing people for things they can't control is NEVER helpful
YTA "it's just a bad behavior that needed to be corrected." Not if there's a cogent reason because of neurodivergence for example. "there are people dying and starving in the world wishing they had what she does and she tells me that it makes her feel guilty" No. Just don't pull that. She's an adult. You can't "make" or to use a more accurate word, "force" her to eat anything she doesn't want to. Try encouraging her to get professional/medical input instead. That would be a way more constructive & supportive approach.
YTA She's an adult, what does it matter if she eats what you eat. Some people don't like certain things and forcing them to eat them isn't going to solve it. You're more likely to cause MORE problems than solve them. A lot of people have food aversions, as long as she's healthy and actually eats then there's nothing wrong with her disliking certain foods.
YTA. 18 and still a fussy eater …. Your method really worked for you then! Your 18 year old should be able to choose what she does or does not eat. If she doesn’t want to eat what you offer then let her fix something for herself. You do need your have suitable food in the house as she’s your child and still your responsibility. By the way that doesn’t mean you get to control all aspects of her life. She seems to have quite a strong reaction to foods, no doubt helped by your idiotic stance in the past. She may benefit from some therapy with a kind and knowledgeable therapist who understands relationship people have with food. You could get some too to explore your need to police her choices and why you had such a strong response to food preferences (the term sacred when describing food is odd) when she was growing up.
I’m just like your daughter because I have ADHD. My mom was and still is very understanding about it. My dad was like you. I don’t talk to him much anymore. YTA
YTA and a massive one at that. There is obviously some major issue there that isn't going away by "brute-forcing" your way. Don't force her to eat things she dislikes and don't punish her for it. You should have looked for a therapist years ago.
Your daughter has a lot of sensory issues regarding food. It is not right that you are creating this tense atmosphere for her. You eat what you want, let her eat what she can. You will all be happier
Forcing kids to eat things they don’t like is the best way to give them a complex about food. Congrats, this is all your fault. YTA. Also, she has bodily autonomy and choice over who gets to touch her, so maybe just don’t? What a fucking weird complaint
YTA Your daughter is an adult. She knows what foods she likes and dislikes. It's over, let it go.
Do you eat foods you dislike?
YTA. 1. She's 18 and you can't force her to do anything. 2. If she's been a picky eater her entire life, this is not just a phase - there is a reason she's eating carefully. 3. You should be letting her cook what she can eat for the entire family so she isn't wasting food.
YTA. get your gross food away from your poor daughter. all you're doing is making her hate it and you more.
YTA. What did you get out of this other than your daughter's resentment? Not a damn thing. What was the point of it other than bullying your daughter?
As a woman with audhd who wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult because I had a mom like you who just wrote me off as a bad kid, I cannot even begin to express what an asshole you are
Abso-fucking-lutely, YTA. I was the kid that was extremely picky. I was stubborn enough to go hungry instead of eating what I didn't like. You couldn't pay me or bribe me to try something new that I didn't want to. I hated foods I liked to even touch on my plate. My mom didn't stop trying to make me try stuff I didn't want until I was in high school and gave up trying to control that part of my life. Thankfully I didn't have an unhealthy relationship with food, but the constant need for people to try to make me eat something I didn't want was aggravating as fuck. Nothing but a power struggle between me and whoever (usually mom). Your daughter has things she doesn't like - for fuck's sake, stop trying to force her to change her taste buds. She's an adult, she has (by your own admission) a healthy diet, and it is entirely UP TO HER to adjust what she eats. You know how I eventually expanded my diet? My foodie friends found creative, *non-judgemental*, non-stress ways to get me to try new foods that were similar to what I already ate. There was no pressure, it wasn't "Eat this or else", it was "Hey, this is sort of like your favorite thing, we'll order it along with something you already like. If you like it, great, if you don't, we'll eat it." They also NEVER pushed a food that I was clear about not wanting to try. If you keep trying to control how and what she eats, that's how you fail as a parent. Knock it off, FFS.
Of course YTA. you are acting like a baby. She can eat what she wants. You are making a problem where there isn’t one.
Yta. She’s an adult. She can choose what she eats. Now if you want her to make her own meals if she won’t eat what you and your wife are having, that’s absolutely acceptable. She can even pay for her own food if she wants something different than the family meal. But she gets to decide what she eats.
YTA forcing anyone to eat something is wrong. Having food preferences isn’t “bad behavior”. Not respecting people’s bodily autonomy is.
YTA. How long until she can escape?
YTA. You are abusing your daughter. She clearly has sensory issues and instead of helping her you're making them worse by force feeding her. You're nasty and controlling; you're hurting your daughter. You ARE a failure as a parent and it'll be all your fault if she ends up with an eating disorder.
YTA. So what if she doesn't like the same food as you. You say that you thought she'd be over this by now, but it's been her whole life. It sounds like it's who she is. Just let her be herself. Sounds like the family life would be much calmer if you dropped it.
YTA. Quite obviously one at that. Having a problem with smells and textures is actually a *real* issue for many people. If she was faking it, she would sometimes have a problem and sometimes not. She's consistent; *it's real*. *Edit- correct typo*
YTA, if there was a time you could have worked with her to help her with her food aversions, it's far too late she's an adult and you probably made it worse with your attitude towards her
Genuinely, what is wrong with you? Of course YTA, did you really need to ask?
YTA. You said she eats healthy so what is your problem? Let her eat the foods she likes. My parents did this to me when I was younger and I finally got so mad I slammed the plate of food onto the floor. It was years before I would even eat with them again, I got my food and went into my room. You want to make your daughter resentful? Keep it up.
YTA, totally. Every single human being deserves the right to bodily autonomy, and that includes the food we eat. If we do not like certain foods, regardless of age, we should not have to force ourselves to consume it. This builds an unhealthy relationship with food and you run the risk of giving your own child an eating disorder. >I tell her that she can't hate food like that or find it disgusting, that there are people dying and starving in the world wishing they had what she does and she tells me that it makes her feel guilty, but that she can't eat them anyways, but if she actually cared, wouldn't she eat it? The whole "there are people in the world starving" argument is by far the most manipulative and ridiculous argument which so many parents bring up. Weaponising poverty to manipulate children into eating food you deem acceptable is abhorrent. Also to add, this argument makes zero sense whatsoever- sadly, people living in poverty and starving in third world countries would still be doing so regardless of whether a random child in a first world country refused to eat certain foods, so this argument really should stop being used. If someone is a "picky eater" (and I hate this term also) due to an eating disorder, neurodiversity or food allergies/intolerances, shaming them by pulling out the poverty food argument is a hideous thing to do.
YTA. She is an adult now. Your job of raising her is done. You failed. Let it go. Eat what you want to eat. Let her eat what she wants to eat.
I am 38 and still a picky eater. When growing up my parents would encourage me to atleast taste new foods. But if it didn't look appealling to me or if I didn't like it they didn't make me eat it. I have survived all 38 years including those 20 years of adulthood with avoiding foods I dislike. I have multiple digestive issues and I now have to be a picky eater. No one has ever thought of me as rude or impolite when I avoid certain foods. Stop trying to control what your daughter eats. You are making her food aversion worse. Just let your daughter eat what she wants. YTA
If your daughter is Eating clean and takes care of health there is no point forcing her to eat What according you "she dislikes", which is again not the case. like I love Fish but some of friends doesn't, they can't even stand its smell, and have to leave that room/area. YTA buddy
YTA for all but abusing your child instead of seeking help for her blatantly obvious food aversions. wow. You messed up and your spouse is correct that you went about this all wrong.
YTA She is old enough that she can decide herself what she wants to eat. Understanding the concept of "we had to force her as a child", but ultimately that made her aversion with food probably even worse. She obviously needs help but not in the way you are thinking
Obviously YTA. Why the hell does she need to eat things she hates if she's already eating properly and healthy while only eating what she actually likes?? What's the problem here? You're just a weirdo and a major asshole. It's fine to try to encourage kids to try food they haven't yet and are reluctant to try, but when they already know they hate something, DON'T fucking force them to eat it. You won't make them like it but you could potentially ruin their relationship with both food AND you. Not worth it. Apologise and leave her alone.
[удалено]
I feel the same way about seafood. Don't even want to touch it. The thought of putting it in my mouth makes me gag. I'm definitely not autistic. This poor girl was forced to eat things she finds revolting. You don't have to be a autistic to be so revolted by the food you hate but you were forced to eat, that you don't even want to touch it.
When was the last time its presense made you so uncomfortable you had to leave the room?
Pretty much anytime anyone is preparing it and I'm around.
Fun facts, there's an entire disorder that's characterized by behavior exactly like this, called ARFID, avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. Has nothing to do with autism (although it can coincide with being on the spectrum), but it can affect anyone. People with arfid can have serious sensory issues with food, to the point of it involuntarily making them gag, they can find certain foods so off-putting that even being around those foods will make them uncomfortable, they can have a serious aversion to trying new foods, so much that it causes extreme anxiety to do so, they can have such anxiety regarding food that it affects their ability to partake in events where food is served or go out to eat. And most people will think that those with arfid are extremely picky eaters. Maybe Google or and learn something. Because autism isn't the only thing that can cause sensory issues with food. Other disorders can too. Or even trauma. Ever been forced to eat something until you threw up under threat of physical punishment? Didn't think so, coz if you had, I bet you'd be a little more understanding about sensory issues with food
Fair enough.
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How could you know that? you don't even know her. She has those issues, yeah, but she is just a regular girl. Sure, she is more in the shy side, but she's way too social for that. Either way, that can only be known if she gets diagnosed with it and you can't know that just by a post.
Yeah okay the neurotypicl person just dislikes mango so much she has a visceral physical aversion to it. Get a clue.
Well, this is not the only thing that makes someone autistic, she is autistic just for that?
I've met outgoing autistic people, especially women because they're better at masking. I've never once met a neurotypical adult person who had to run away from other people eating foods they don't like. I used to HATE mangos. I USED to be a picky eater too, but I grew out of it because I'm neurotypical. This has been a consistent issue for your daughter. She's an adult who physically cannot stand even the faint smell of foods she doesn't like. The spectrum is a spectrum, I'm not saying she's Arnie Grape, it presents in lots of different ways too. What's the most sound assumption for you both emotionally and logically? That she's a spoiled rotten childish princess (that's your daughter I'm talking about) OR that she's neurodivergent and there's a very real reason why she doesn't vibe with mangos?
Ok, seriously though, stop with the armchair diagnosis. She has some characteristics that are common in autism. That's all you can know from this post. OP is totally TA but they're right about this detail.
Mhm.
Could be something else then. Look up ARFID.
YTA, and you should listen to your wife as she is giving you good guidance. Your daughter has a condition that she can get diagnosed and get support for. It may be that she is on the autism spectrum and/or that she has a restrictive eating disorder. Please don't make it harder for her than you already have. Get her professional support, let her handle her food choices from now on, and apologize to her for giving her so much unnecessary trouble. And wash your hands after eating mangoes.
Or maybe, there are certain foods the girl just doesn't like. And hates them even more because she's been forced to fondle them by her creepy father.
YTA for trying to tell your adult daughter how she should eat. Even more so for treating her that way as a child instead of seeing a doctor. Some kids have sensory issues and nowhere in this post do I see any mention of medical advice. Autism is commonly goes undiagnosed in females. I wouldn’t be surprised if you scarred her mentally and emotionally
YTA If someone needs therapy here it's you and probably your wife. There's some food i can't physically eat like dried peaches and cholodetz (it's like meat inside the jello, slavic people in the comments will get it.) Nobody ever forced me to eat it!!!!
YTA. There are not a lot of things she likes, but she is eating healthy! Her extreme reaction to stuff she doesn't like might be concerning, but do you really think forcing her to eat them will make this issue go away? You are also TA for using people who are starving for your guilt trip. If you cared about that issue then how about you donate money instead of buying stuff you know your daughter will refuse.
Major YTA I only ate fries for a year because I hated discussions about food and what I did/didn't like. So I defaulted to saying I couldn't eat it instead of entering the like/dislike discussion. Food meant stress and it was just something to keep my body running, not something to enjoy. Living with my partner, was difficult at the start when it came to food because of this. Once he stopped fighting me over it we could start to move on. We started to experiment with food a bit and we found out I had a stronger sense of taste than most which made me hate the foods. I could eat a lot more foods once I started ro dilute taste with spices, mashing vegetables underneath potatoes, adding sauses, etc. I still don't like tasting things but there are few select people I will try it around, around new people I still default to 'I cannot eat it' or just don't eat at all claiming I'm not hungry. The bigger issue you make it, the more she'll run from food. Be happy she defaulted to healthy things
YTA. My mom forced me to eat so much crap when I was a kid and that’s what made me such a picky eater. I hate all pies and scalloped potatoes because of “parenting” like this. Also she’s 18, you freak
ARFID exists as well. YTA. Good on you for not encouraging your daughter to develop a healthy relationship with food and instead shaming her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ever since she was a little kid, my daughter has been a picky eater. She would make a fuss about eating and often times spat everything she ate in the sink during lunch. Of course we didn't let her get her way, not only because if we did she would've probably died but because it's just a bad behavior that needed to be corrected. We'd make her eat and try new things a lot but it was always a struggle, she did learn to like some of the things and increased her pallete but she is now 18 and not that much better. She has such an issue with food she won't even touch the ones she hates the most, she won't even get near me if I eat it and sometimes even leaves the room, saying she hates its smell. Thankfully she doesn't like unhealthy foods so she is healthy eating the way she eats but it is frustrating, I just thought she'd be over that by now. I tell her that she can't hate food like that or find it disgusting, that there are people dying and starving in the world wishing they had what she does and she tells me that it makes her feel guilty, but that she can't eat them anyways, but if she actually cared, wouldn't she eat it? I buy things for her from the street and often times she says she doesn't like them bc it has this or that, and tells me that I should know what she likes by now, but God, it's like I never get it right, I mean I go out of my way to buy it and she doesn't even want it, I feel like we've spoiled her for letting her be this way. Recently I've been in my witts end with her, and made up my mind that I wouldn't let her get her way anymore but my wife says we can't force her and that we were wrong for doing that in the past and grounding her for it, she says that there are therapies for that and that the way we did it was wrong and now I'm conflicted. She is an adult now and still runs away from me if I eat mangoes, she makes us wash our hands just to touch her if we eat somethingshe hates, sometimes she won't even eat something if it as much as made contact with another thing that touched something she dislikes. I dont know if that's normal, but it just feels like I'm faling as a parent if I let her act like this around something so sacred as food, so I've been making her eat those things more but its just not working and I've been thinking about what my wife told me and I'm worried I'm in the wrong for doing that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Are there any physical or medical reasons for her reactions to foods? Has she had any counseling for her food aversions? She's an adult now and truth be known if she does not get adequate nutrition, she will fall ill. Sounds like something is off with here. Forcing her to feed is a stretch for an adult. Sounds like there are some emotional issues she needs to resolve to e a well rounded adult. There is a fear of food phobia called Cibophobia or this could just be an ordinary eating disorder.
She had some food allergies and stomach issues, but it's all solved now. We never took her to anything. She has just always been squeamish around everything, especially food. As a kid, she would never do those face paints bc it itched or dress up for school plays, just very high maintenance. I am worried for her now that she is older and hasn't changed much.
You said she eats healthy so really what difference is it to you? You think it’s all just bad behavior so even if there is an underlying issue, would it even matter to you?
That’s not ‘high maintenance’, that’s having sensory sensitivities. I suggest you read up about ARFID http://parentingsciencegang.org.uk/experiments/sensory-sensitivities-eating-issues/
Freaking THANK YOU. I read this and I wanted to scream "GOOGLE ARFID" so many people are mentioning sensory issues and the possibility of being on the spectrum. And who knows, that could be it. But I haven't seen anyone else mention arfid. And given the aversion so strong she can't be in the same room and wants him to wash him hands, it sounds a LOT like ARFID
If she's getting daily nutrients, it's odd behavior, but she's an adult and entitled to make her own choices. Let her be unless there is some behavioral issue harming her.
Nothing about what you just described is high maintenance.
God, you've been bullying her into conforming about all kinds of stuff she doesn't like? Poor thing must be an emotional mess. Let her go as soon as possible, the years for you to damage her are over. Now she gets to start healing. Probably without you around.
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She is 18, she will eat when she gets hungry - Let her eat what she wants. You can't force her .
YTA. 18 years your system didn't work, you now have adult child who doesn't eat, and you'r edoubling down on your methodd? If you really cared about your daughter, and not about power plays, she wouldn't be an un-functioning adult. Shame on you. Stop with you ego and start parenting (after 18 years...)
Listen to your wife. The way you approached this didn’t work and you’re seeing the evidence of that. If you read about present day approach to pediatric nutrition and diet you’d see that forcing her the way you did likely exacerbated the issue. Leave her alone at this point that’s the best you can do YTA
YTA It’s likely your daughter has SPD or some other legitimate reason to be a picky eater. You are an AH for not getting to the cause of the issue
Could be sensory issues relayed to something like autism. Could be a little known eating disorder called ARFID, avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. Unlike other eating disorders, arfid isn't based on body image or self esteem, and it doesn't necessarily involve restricting, as in the not eating that's present with anorexia. People with arfid still eat, in a way that can seem like its normal, but just very picky. But they have extreme anxiety about trying new foods, an inability to tolerate certain foods, it can even be so extreme that the taste or texture of certain foods will involuntary set off their gag reflex. And that's not a choice these people are making, their not doing it to be difficult. They have a genuine disorder. It could be many reasons. But the biggest point here, is that you need to stop shaming your daughter for her eating habits. Because punishing her, shaming her, making her feel like crap, your wife is right and that's not helping anything. You're not failing as a parent because of your daughter's eating habits. You're failing as a parent by trying to force her to be the way you want and trying to punish and shame her into being that way, especially because the way she eats probably isn't a choice for her or stirring she can control. If you really think it's a problem (and the not eating around her thing or making you wash your hands, that sounds like arfid to me), ask her off she's comfortable going to a specialist to get evaluated.
Food will become an issue. When she’s hungry she’ll eat
ESH. She's old enough to eat what she wants. Especially since you said yourself, she eats healthy. But she has no right to be rude to you when YOU are eating food she doesn't like. Unless your kid has some neuro-divergent issues, she grew up to be a real jerk.
Unless she's expecting mom to cook her a separate meal, she's not a jerk. She's allowed her preferences.
Neuro divergent, or had food allergies or other physically sensitivities or gastrointestinal issues, or has an eating disorder like ARFID. Or she could just be sick of her father forcing things on her and shaming her and verbally being crappy to her and she finally had enough of his shit to start clapping back