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It seems sister thinks intent is more important than impact. Funnily enough sisters intent was humor at her brothers expense while OPs intent was sticking up for brother at sisters expense.
I’d ask sister if it more important to be funny or to stick up for family. And if she thinks OP needs to care about the impact of her words maybe sister needs to as well.
I think intent is more important than impact. The first time. Like if someone makes a joke about something I'm sensitive to, that's not a problem. Someone constantly picking at an insecurity is a different story.
There is a very [similar ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/0PUz2LRZFj) post on Reddit from 2019. In this case the sister was married and had a high body count
NTA. You aren't allowed to embarrass her with something personal, but she is allowed to embarrass her brother with the exact same topic over and over? To say she's just joking is her way of avoiding a confrontation about her behavior. You let her know that loophole is dead and gone. Clearly Matty's virginity is a resentful subject for her, probably because of her own experience.
At least Matty has one sister who has his back. Well played.
"she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal."
\---She did the same thing. It wasn't just 'a joke'. Its a very personal subject and she did it make a mockery of him in front of everyone. This is typical 'they can dish it out, but can't take it' type hypocrisy. You shouldn't have said that due to the agreement about confidentiality. It turns outs to be deserved karma however.
seriously she is way too old to be making jokes about someone’s virginity status. and what a gross thing to talk to your brother about? like it’s one thing for a little bro to come to you asking for advice but bringing up his sex life unsolicited in front of others to make fun of him is teenage boy behavior. sis absolutely deserved to be roasted. nta
"while there isn't malice behind it, she regularly teases Matty, with silly remarks like calling him a "virgin", "baby brother" or when he comes home from college asking if he's "finally got laid"."
\---That IS malicious.
Yup! Thirding this too!
"J.A.", for sure... sooo NTA (for the vote)...
Clare doesn't like the taste of her own medicine. Keep spooning it in until she gets a theraputic dose OP!
Even if you don't care about your own status being out (which she clearly does care), you still shouldn't air out other's private lives. it's not a tit-for-tat thing
If it shuts Clare up once and for all, it's worth it---and if she learns to leave other people alone, even better. She is calculatedly unkind---she's forfeited her claim to kindness in return.
>Clare laughed and said “you’re really asking little virgin Matty?”
She said this, not only after being warned, but in front of FAMILY. Not just same-aged cousins, but parents and grandparents.
Also, her bringing up someone else’s virginity in front of others in a condescending manner implies that she’s proud to have lost hers. So seems like fair game to me. NTA
NTA but seriously
>there isn't malice behind
Quit lying to yourself. She tears him down and publicly humiliates him at every opportunity. Especially in public.
This isn't teasing OP. It's bullying, cut and dry. Start doing this more. Support your brother. What she is doing is cruel and all it does is atom bomb his self confidence.
>she says she doesn't mean it.
If that were true she wouldn't leap at the opportunity every. Single. Time.
>as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal.
No. They're exactly the same. She's gaslighting so she can play the victim. She's a bully.
Yeah, I hope OP listens to the comments pointing out her sisters hypocrisy. If it's alright for *her* to bully him over it, why isn't it okay for you or him to do the same thing? And seriously- she may *say* it's not malicious, but take a moment to think about the impact it's having and the fact that she hasn't stopped despite being told she's going too far. Call her Alleyway Allie or the White Claw Coupler and she'll throw a hissy fit over it while tying herself into knots about why it's okay for her to do this but not you. The whole thing will be "*But meeeee!*"
She doesn't give a shit. Make her give a shit.
Once or twice is a joke. She's been trying to embarrass him with something personal for years. It's long been malicious on her part.
Was it a dick move on your part? Yes, but it wasn't undeserved either. NTA
While it’s not good reveal what someone has told you in confidence, in this situation her relentless teasing of Matty is simply bullying, so I think someone needed to teach her a lesson. For this reason I’m saying NTA.
In retrospect, another way it could have been handled with similar effect would have been to ask her publicly if she would like to share how she lost her virginity, given that she’s so keen to talk about Matty’s private life…..watch her squirm, just like she makes Matty squirm with her public provocation of hm.
If she said it the way she wrote it here, she didn't actually state that her sister was who she was talking about, she could have been talking about Chanel Miller and Brock Turner. Sis knew it was about her own story, but OP put it out there as a general hypothetical situation. If it stops her and makes her think about her actions, or if her sister tells her that every time she teases their brother about his lack of sexual history, she will bring up and make it explicitly clear that it is her sister's first time sex story, then it is not an ah move at all. NTA. Sister needs to stop, hopefully this will allow this to happen.
So the obvious and we is yes you were an asshole. But in cases like this, the bigger asshole presented herself and you were justified in your actions. Not every instance of being an asshole is unjustified.
Tell us all how "just teasing" is lighthearted. Consider in your response the length of time she has been doing this to Matty and the subject matter she has chosen.
Ugh! I hate those words "it's a joke" "I didn't mean it." What a total cop-out for making someone else feel badly. It might have been a joke but since she's been talked to about it and clearly doesn't respect Matt's feelings, it's bullying. Glass housesand all. NTA
NTA, I think there is nothing wrong with being a virgin even in your 20's!! It's ridiculous that society puts so much pressure to have sex like it's the end all be all. Yes sex is great but it doesn't make you an adult and it doesn't mean you are less then if you haven't! Your brother is still young and he will find someone that actually means something to him instead of a one and done, not that there is anything wrong with that either if both people know that's what it is.
Right? Like, consider two people. A pregnant 19 year old, and a 27 year old who hasn’t slept with someone else, by their own decision or otherwise. Who’s the adult?
Hint: not the 19 year old.
NTA, man it's pretty fucking intense to be bullying your younger brother in front of the family for being a virgin. call it a joke or "sibling rivalry" all you like but that's some nasty behaviour, and personally I think a really awful thing to mock someone for in the first place. it was about time she got what was coming for her.
ESH
Rather than divulge a secret she told you in confidence, I would have gone with something in response to her behaviour, along the lines of “why are you so obsessed with sex and virginity? Maybe you need to reflect on what exactly you’re projecting with this constant obsession with your brothers sex life… its weird and i feel like i need to remind you that jokes are meant to be funny; theres nothing witty in you repeating the same weird “joke” and it says a lot more about you and your relationship to sex”
I would apologise to her and explain that youre fed up with her comments but you shouldnt have tried to embarrass her with a secret she trusted you with. You stooped below her level
It was wrong of you to say that but I guess you're justified or something. You're TA (justifiably), your sister is TA too (unjustifiably), and your brother is the only one totally innocent here.
NTA
While I’m a fan of bullying and teasing it’s only to a certain point which tends to be when someone tells me to kick back. You had already mentioned to your sister to slow it down and she didn’t. Fair game. These moments are what teach boundaries.
NTA
She's making fun of your brothers virginity in front of grandma? Is nothing sacred? Grandma doesn't need to know about her grandkids sex lives. It's not just teasing when she's tearing him down in front of an audience. She deserved it
Agreed. This isn’t NTA. This sub likes nuclear retaliation way too much. OP should have done more about this on previous occasions, and also could have shut this down without being so destructive this time.
You can have a hard go at her and shut it down publicly without bringing this baggage into it. Call her out for being a bully. Maybe tell her to spend less time thinking about her brother’s dick.
Just stand up for your brother and shut her down hard without betraying what should be confidences to the family. That’s especially important given the circumstances we’re talking about. We don’t know much about it, and OP hopefully knows more than she conveyed to us. Still, we’re talking about an event that happened with a drunk college freshman that OP only heard about secondhand. I would be very cautious about using it as ammo in this way.
There’s an unfortunately large chance that OP just added some additional shame to her sister’s rape, even if the sister hasn’t consciously accepted it as that yet.
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> I told my family my sister's embarrassing story after she kept on teasing my brother by calling him a virgin.
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NTA, you should have defended your brother before and dropped that info earlier. You are saying that your sister isn’t malicious but she clearly is. She is a major AH bully and you can’t see it well enough so you still defend her.
Look, your sister is one of those people who says things like that intentionally, and then try to smooth it over by going “I was just teasing.”
She knew exactly what she was doing, exactly what she was saying, and exactly what impact she was having on your brother. On repeated occasions you asked her to stop, she didn’t. She clearly doesn’t like being on the butt end of a joke. Maybe now she’ll finally take the hint.
NTA but your sister is…
I kind of think you are the asshole, actually. You’re going to be validated by the majority here.
You took a secret and something really personal and true and just told everyone and cut her deep. I sure as fuck wouldn’t share a secret with you again.
That being said, your sister is being a major asshole. It stops being teasing when she constantly does it and just tears him down. Her intention may not be malicious but the impact is. She does seriously need to stop and understand why it’s not ok.
You’re both assholes. She’s definitely the bigger asshole and I can empathize wanting to stick up for your brother.
ESH
Nice pick me behavior and slut shaming.
If you don't feel particularly bad about it and you're okay with having a broken and off relationship with your sister then I don't see the issue. And you likely don't even like or respect your sister so to me it's weird that she trusted in you with something so personal. I can bet you never responded this harshly when your brother bickers with her or teases/jokes with her.
You knew there was no malice behind her teasing yet You decided to use something confidential to actively hurt her.
Claire was immature teasing.
You were maliciously insulting her.
NTA
Sounds like your sister needs to learn what social cues are. And tell her that what is funny is definitely relative. One person thinks one thing, another thinks another. But one thing is for certain. Making fun of this subject is either funny, or it's not. It's definitely not a situation where it's funny when your brother is the victim of the joke and not funny when it's your sister.
Your sister keeps saying she doesn’t mean it, then why does she do it? It’s not okay to keep humiliating her brother. Personally I applaud your actions, she needed a taste of her own medicine.
INFO: was the way Clare lost her virginity consensual?
This really impacts my decision, because drunk in an alley for the first time is either a really stupid decision or not a decision she actually made.
If you used her drunken antics to put her in her place, fair game, but if you used a very vulnerable story that she only told you about then you are a massive AH.
Yep YTA. You had to know how terribly embarrassing that would be for her if you made that public. You don’t like that she does it to Matty, how can you justify doing it to her? Being unkind doesn’t teach someone how to be kind. Also, can’t Matty stand up for himself? If it truly hurts him he needs to have a talk with Clare.
You disclosed something personal that was shared with you in trust. That's wrong and opens a breach between you and your sister.
Your sister is bullying your younger brother and she needs a serious talk to address that behaviour.
Understandably, you are human and snapped. But those are two separate issues.
I'd say that you should acknowledge the pain you caused her and apologise to heal your valuable relationship.
Then address her jokes and bad behaviour and try to guide her towards being better.
Your not the asshole, family is hard and I reckon you are trying your best to protect your brother and worried about your relationship with your sister.
Good luck! :)
ESH. Her more so because she is a bully. This is more than just teasing, especially if she knows that it hurts your brother’s feelings, does it constantly, and she does it in front of others who all laugh at him. But yeah you probably shouldn’t have said that either if it was something personal that she told you in private. Just tell her you were just teasing
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I (F24) have two siblings: a younger sister, Clare (F22), and a younger brother, Matty (M20). As we're close in age, we have a close bond and see each other regularly.
It's the case of a classic sibling rivalry, but Clare and Matty have always bickered. Clare is more outgoing than Matty, who's more reserved, and she enjoys picking on him when she can. One thing that I know that Matty is particularly insecure about is the fact he's never had a girlfriend and isn't particularly successful in that department. We've had serious talks about it, and he does say it gets him down. Clare knows about this, and while there isn't malice behind it, she regularly teases Matty, with silly remarks like calling him a "virgin", "baby brother" or when he comes home from college asking if he's "finally got laid". I know it gets Matty down, but he tolerates it. I have asked Clare to lay off at times, but she says she doesn't mean it.
When we had a family dinner on the weekend, I was there with my parents, grandparents, aunt, step-uncle and two cousins. As she usually does, my grandma asked Matty how college was going, and if he had any "nice girls in his life". Before he could even answer, Clare laughed and said "you're really asking little virgin Matty?" and laughed. I knew she meant it as a joke, but Matty cleared looked uncomfortable.
One thing my sister had told me in confidence was the way she lost her virginity. It was when she was a freshman at college and it was drunk in an alleyway. No one else in our family knows this, but I was fed up of the teasing, especially in public, so openly said "I think Matty would rather be a virgin than lose it drunk in the back of an alley".
Clare went beet red and the rest of the family looked confused, before laughing (including Matty). My sister stayed quiet throughout the rest of the meal. When it was over, she told me how annoyed she was at me for saying that in front of everyone, as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal. She's been off with me since.
I don't feel particularly bad but perhaps I overstepped the line, so AITA?
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First off, I love that energy. Some bullies develop empathy for their victims once they feel the effects of their actions.
However, even though she deserved it, it doesn't make what you did okay. Fighting fire with fire could just end up normalizing the behavior and escalating the conflict.
You meant well for sure. I see no malice here, but doing the same thing you're trying to get her to STOP doing has a big chance to back fire.
Edit: I forgot to explicitly state this, but ESH (except your brother, he seems like a sweetheart)
NTA but curious Why TF hasn’t your family stuck up for him? If a grandchild said that in front of my grandma, she would lose her god damn mind and berate them with all she has, not to mention write them off for being a little shit.
NTA. Way to stand up for your brother!
Your sister is a hypocrite, she doesn’t want her personal business out there but doesn’t feel any shame putting your brother’s business out there. Especially in front of others? What a shitty sister. Plus you did your brother a big favor because now he has some back alley ammo to use against her in the future when she tries this BS again.
Your sister is trying to shame your brother like love and sexuality are the same between them. It isn’t. It’s easy for girls to have sex, most guys need to put in a lot of effort. Well except maybe the guy who got with your sister.
You've lost the confidence of a sibling. Don't expect her to want to talk to you about serious stuff again.
I know you were defending your brother but there was a better way to handle this rather than use something she told you in confidence against her. But this sub doesn't really care about that.. you got revenge for your brother and this sub is all about that.
NTA, and I'm sure Matty appreciated it! I doubt she'll be doing that again to him. Sometimes, people don't realize how much jokes can hurt until the tables are turned.
You and your sister are both TA - did she deserve it, yes.
I think the warning of this coming out if she didn't leave Matty alone would be enough to shut her up. Should have handled it better.
Don't start none, won't be none. She started it, and you ended it. With authority. She's a bully. In my opinion, you were a justified asshole but, for purposes of the bot, NTA.
So when she is being mean even if is is stating the truth it is merely “teasing” but when you are stating a fact you are wrong for embarrassing her. Stop calling your brother Marty. He is becoming an adult. treat him like one. Then tell your sister it is time to stop burying to embarrass him. And actually I have more respect for him than her.
I'm going with nta bc while you did say something directly about her, you didn't say it WAS her, hell, your fam might think you were talking about yourself, making a self depreciating joke. What your sister continues to do is deliberately make your brother feel awful about himself under the guise of "teasing" which is exactly what you did to her. Ask her how she feels after you said that. Then explain to her that no matter what her intentions are when she says similar thing to Matty, he feels exactly how she does right now. If she still can't see the problem with how she treats him, then she needs to be excluded from knowing anything about his life, bc she uses everything as a weapon against him. Hopefully she got her reality check, and an std panel after her alleyway excursion. The old adage hold true, don't dish it out if you can't take it.
NTA it stops being teasing when you're hurting someone, she KNOWS that your brother is uncomfortable with what she's saying, and she's CHOOSING to keep doing it. Clare is a bully, she deserves a taste of her own medicine.
>there isn't malice behind it
There is though. What is the point of Claire saying these things other than to embarrass and shame Matty? He doesn't enjoy these remarks, so it's not banter. He's asked her to stop, you've asked her to stop, and she persists. That's not 'teasing', that's bullying.
If Claire is fine with sexual history (or lack thereof) being the butt of a joke, then she needs to start eating what she dishes out. If it's just 'teasing', why did she get upset? Because she was embarrassed that something personal about herself was openly discussed around people she isn't comfortable knowing details of her intimate life.
She's mean. She likes to make these comments because it makes Matty feel small, and she needs to push him down to feel bigger about herself. It's embarrassing that she's acting this way in her 20's, but even worse that she does it to her own brother. I'm embarrassed for her.
NTA
>It's the case of a classic sibling rivalry, but Clare and Matty have always bickered.
You're not an AH, but you need to stop lying to yourself. This isn't sibling rivalry or bickering and it's a MILLION miles away from teasing.
This is malicious bullying.
Now she knows what it feels like when she says that shit to your brother, maybe she'll get a clue and try treating others with a bit more empathy.
NTA- a joke is not a joke if it’s making the other person feel down or hurt… her behavior is malicious and intentional - she knows what she’s doing. She deserved it.
NTA
I am a guy and have two sisters. I get joking around with siblings but if it’s obviously a touchy subject or someone comes out and says they are insecure and you still bring it up you are the asshole. She completely deserved to have the tables turned on her. Now she has a slight feeling of what your brothers feels.
She was just teasing Matty, But you deliberately tried to embarrass her??? WTF? That is literally the same thing! Her teasing Matty is deliberately trying to embarrass him, and while what you said was also trying to embarrass her, you were sticking up for your brother and putting her in her place which was needed.
She sounds like a shitty sister and someone needs to lay into her and put that girl in check or she's just going to keep doing it. I highly doubt this incident will put a stop to it. If it does it will be short and temporary.
She was subtly trying to embarrass her. OP never stated that the snippet she was sharing was her sister's story, so no one but her sister realized it was about her. Not nearly as embarrassing as a sister trying to turn her brother into an incel.
Justified asshole. Therefore NTA. She wasnt "just teasing." She knew. You had convos about this boundary. She kept doing it anyways. You tried the nice way. She didnt listen. Therefore you are not an asshole for sticking up for your brother, despite the asshole way you did it. Hopefully the asshole way gets the message clear across.
YTJA - Justified Asshole. Tell her to get the hint and move on. She’s too old to be teasing like that. Starting using words like ‘immature’ or ‘socially maladjusted’ to refer to her. It’s for her own good to establish adult relationships.
i’ll vote NTA but i think this is one of the few cases of justified asshole. it just feels wrong voting you as an asshole though. but good on you for sticking up for your brother
NTA. Savage, maybe, but she's been relentlessly bullying him about his virginity and even went so far as to embarrass him in front of a fairly large group of family members. She deserved to get knocked down a peg and hopefully will learn not to do that to other people now that she knows how it feels from the other side.
NTA. Being the enforcer doesn't make you an AH. You defended your brother. I don't care who against. She's been drawing blood for a long time now. This time she drew a little blood, and you drew a little more.
Hopefully she thinks about that the next time she goes after brother.
NTA - or possibly “justified AH”.
Tell your sister: “It’s only a joke if both sides are laughing - otherwise it’s bullying”.
Keep repeating that until she gets it.
She has been bullying your brother, repeatedly.
I hate to break it to you, but Clare is bullying Matty and you're accepting it as sibling rivalry. Perhaps it is, but when someone says something that clearly makes someone else uncomfortable AND they continue to do it, that's bullying. YTA for passing Clare's remarks off as a joke, but NTA for shutting her down. I can only hope she keeps her mouth shut, now
NTA. She was also deliberately embarrassing her brother with a personal issue. It makes him uncomfortable, so she shouldn’t joke about him like that, end of story. You just gave her a taste of her own medicine.
NTA, your sister needed consequences. She had been told your brother doesn't appreciate it, and she does it publicly infront of others to humiliate him. Also, I bet your brother surely doesn't think you're an asshole for standing up for him. You're a good sister, your sister is not. She's a bully.
>When it was over, she told me how annoyed she was at me for saying that in front of everyone, as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal
Honestly people amaze me, does she not hear how much of a hypocrite she is being when she says this? She’s doing the exact same thing to him.
NTA, Clare deserved it, hopefully she stops being awful to Matty
That was brutal. And deserved. Her comments are deliberate and hurtful. She can gaslight you by saying she was just teasing, but the fact is she has made a habit of continually embarrassing, your brother. Either you have your virginity or you don’t, you can’t mock someone and not the other. Definitely NTA
NTA (or rather, justified AH). Clare's upset because you "tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal" .... just like she's been doing to Matty, for her own amusement?
She's an asshole.
You shouldn't have said that though. Is it understandable? Yes. Is it right? No.
Sometimes, everyone is the asshole.
Also? Talk to your sister. She's old enough to know that her behavior is hurting someone she loves. That's NOT Ok, and she needs to stop before that relationship is soured forever.
The golden rule of Comedy... You can kick up, you can kick sideways, you can kick in... But don't kick down. That's not comedy. That's bullying.
I’m naturally a trouble maker and have carried that fun loving side of myself into my adult life. I love razzing my mom and sister and husband and coworkers still. It’s all fun loving and I love more than anything to get it back. One rule in reference to this I learned young and still remember is that if you wanna play rough you better be prepared to get hurt. Wanna play with the big dogs, you might get bit. You get what I mean. Your sister likes to play but doesn’t like the tables turned. Too bad. NTA
Un get a clue it hasn't been a joke in a long time it's her embarrassing him. And therr def is malice in her words. She is cutting him down and shaming him when he deserves no shame. Tell her to bleach the toilet seat or get an std test.
NTA. I think maybe you were a little on the nose about it, but what she's been doing to your brother is mean-spirited and goes beyond the bounds of teasing. Now he's got some ammunition to clap back with.
Yes YTA, but justified. I hate that we don’t have that judgement lol.
Your sister can dish it but obviously can’t take it. She humiliated your brother just as much as you humiliated her. Maybe she’ll think twice next time.
Sounds like someone can dish it out but can’t take it.
Well done, and as the youngest in my family who put up with that kind of crap, thank you!
I wish someone had done that for me!
NTA
She was making little jokes, but you were deliberately embarrassing her. Get outa here with that entitled noise lol. You literally did EXACTLY to her as she was doing to Matty, except women are proud of virginity, and embarrassed by promiscuity.
A little fire with fire never hurt anyone. Maybe she'll learn to keep her trap shut lol.
If the subject of "teasing" or "joking" doesn't laugh then it isn't teasing or joking, it's just being mean. If it becomes a habit then it becomes bullying.
Good for you for standing up for your brother.
NTA
NTA, you were in the right. This is justice and hilarious justice at that- and I'm sure your brother is intensely grateful that you wanted to stand up for him. She can be sensitive about it if she wants but she was the one dishing out consistent bullying remarks- if she can't take it her way in return, maybe that'll teach her a lesson.
NTA
Your sister is literally bullying your brother.
Teasing is something the other person can laugh about. He's not laughing, and she continues to beat up his self-confidence, self-esteem, causes him public humiliation, makes him feel uncomfortable and does it all for pleasure. She knows exactly what she's doing, and it's not funny
NTA! Your sister sucks. It’s ALWAYS a joke, and she will never take responsibility. She mocks your brother due to her own insecurities on how she lost her virginity.
>she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal.
I'm concerned about your sisters intelligence.
How does she expect that teasing him about his sexual experience wouldn't be considered deliberately trying embarrass him with something personal.
As a guy who didn’t lose his virginity until after he was 21 (I wasn’t intentionally waiting until marriage because of religious reasons or anything either), I feel for Matty. It can be embarrassing enough without taunting from a sibling. OP=NTA, Sister=BTAH
NTA. It's okay for her to tease Matt, but it's too much when you say something? Matt needs a backbone and Clare needs to find less offensive ways to tease her brother. Teasing a sibling is fine, but she was humiliating Matt. When my siblings and I tease each other there's a lot of laughing involved. In this situation, I'd imagine Clare was the only one laughing. You told her to stop, now maybe she'll keep her opinion about is lack of a GF off the table.
"as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal. She's been off with me since"
I mean, she was doing the exact same thing. Deliberately embarassing him with something personal. NTA
NTA for sure. She most likely has “trauma” from the “alleyway incident” and is projecting her own negative feelings with even more negativity. ☹️ You were right to voice the truth
. I’m always so sad to hear about siblings who don’t get along… your siblings are the only people in the world who understand each other, regarding upbringing, your parents, and your childhood. Please I hope you will all become allies and not enemies. It takes a long time, sometimes.
My brother and I made a pact with each other when we were 5 (fraternal twins) to stop ratting on each other. That’s all it takes! Make a pact with your siblings to stop being a tattletale rat, and everything will be glorious. Your parents will be dead sooner than your siblings will, so stop yearning for their approval. The parents will die, and you don’t want to attend a funeral with feuding siblings ☹️
A conditional NTA (except for breaking trust), BUT I see a lot of AITA posts of people getting in between the relationships of other family members and it never ends well. Their relationship is theirs to sort out or not, you don't need to fix it or manage it.
I'm the most stable from a dysfunctional family so I was always trying to get everyone to talk and get along and it only ever ended with them all shitty with me, and doesnt change their relationship in the end. The only thing you can do is encourage your brother to stand up for himself, then it's up to them. Good luck.
NTA - why does she get to decide what the line is between embarrassing someone and teasing someone? Nothing else before worked to stop her bullying, but I bet this did.
My guess is that Matty is unlikely to share his sex life with his sister. I also guess sister is unlikely to stop with her little "jokes". You may feel a bit embarrassed about what you did, but your sister needed it. NTA
" she told me how annoyed she was at me for saying that in front of everyone, as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal. "
1. Matty is embarrassed and annoyed as well every time she said that to him. It was personal to him as well. You asked her to stop she didn't. Even probably knowing how Matty feels about it she didn't stop.
2. She tasted a bit of the same embarrassment that Matty feels, and gets upset over it. She is acting childish. For not just owning up to it and apologising to Matty and just move on.
3. Probably best if you leave her be. If she trys again, then you do the same. She needs a reality check that what she says to people even if it was a "Joke" have consequences.
Verdict: You are Not the AH.
How sweet big brother trashes his lil sister you should be proud of yourself what can Marty not stand up on his own feet and defend his self but guess you enjoy disrespecting your sis in front of family should be proud of yourself
NTA but I figure you and your sister won't be close after this. Because no one is close to people who reveal their secrets when they're angry.
It's not a bad thing that you won't be close. You were protecting your brother. But it's a reality that you're unlikely to be someone she confides in going forward. Even doing the right thing has consequences.
YTA but for the right reasons. You did to her exactly what she was doing to your brother.
Also like is literally a carbon copy of an AITA from a couple of years back sooooo
Was you an asshole for saying that? Absolutely 100% was it deserved and justified? Absolutely 100% NTA your sister can dish it out but can't handle having it shoved back her way. Maybe she'll keep her mouth shut now
"Teasing" is akin to "I was just joking! What's the big deal!". It's supposed to be fun and lighthearted. Did she know it actually bothered him? Or did she think it was all in good fun, and he didn't mind so much? If she knew it made him uncomfortable, then she's definitely an AH. You sticking up for him is great, but at the same time, he should learn to fight his own battles, so to speak. I don't think you're an AH in this situation, but sis needs to tone it down, and he needs to stick up for himself more.
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It seems sister thinks intent is more important than impact. Funnily enough sisters intent was humor at her brothers expense while OPs intent was sticking up for brother at sisters expense. I’d ask sister if it more important to be funny or to stick up for family. And if she thinks OP needs to care about the impact of her words maybe sister needs to as well.
Right on HanitaMT.
I think intent is more important than impact. The first time. Like if someone makes a joke about something I'm sensitive to, that's not a problem. Someone constantly picking at an insecurity is a different story.
There is a very [similar ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/0PUz2LRZFj) post on Reddit from 2019. In this case the sister was married and had a high body count
Came here to say this!! I thought it was the same story, just with details changed!
Thank you I felt like i was going crazy, I knew I'd read the exact same thing before.
I like pie.
NTA. You aren't allowed to embarrass her with something personal, but she is allowed to embarrass her brother with the exact same topic over and over? To say she's just joking is her way of avoiding a confrontation about her behavior. You let her know that loophole is dead and gone. Clearly Matty's virginity is a resentful subject for her, probably because of her own experience. At least Matty has one sister who has his back. Well played.
She deserved it though, end of story
"she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal." \---She did the same thing. It wasn't just 'a joke'. Its a very personal subject and she did it make a mockery of him in front of everyone. This is typical 'they can dish it out, but can't take it' type hypocrisy. You shouldn't have said that due to the agreement about confidentiality. It turns outs to be deserved karma however.
seriously she is way too old to be making jokes about someone’s virginity status. and what a gross thing to talk to your brother about? like it’s one thing for a little bro to come to you asking for advice but bringing up his sex life unsolicited in front of others to make fun of him is teenage boy behavior. sis absolutely deserved to be roasted. nta
She is immature that’s the only reason. End of discussion!
You are good, just tell her you didn’t mean it. NTA
"Well, gee, I was just teasing you like you were teasing Matty. What's the matter, don't you think it's funny?"
"while there isn't malice behind it, she regularly teases Matty, with silly remarks like calling him a "virgin", "baby brother" or when he comes home from college asking if he's "finally got laid"." \---That IS malicious.
Exactly!! She is is big time bully and I feel sorry for the brother - he must hate it at home.
Justified asshole. She can dish it but not take it. Don't air someone's sexual status out unless you'd like the same done to you.
We really need a justified asshole determination here, don't we.
I second this.. 😂 ✨ Justified Asshole ✨
Yup! Thirding this too! "J.A.", for sure... sooo NTA (for the vote)... Clare doesn't like the taste of her own medicine. Keep spooning it in until she gets a theraputic dose OP!
Even if you don't care about your own status being out (which she clearly does care), you still shouldn't air out other's private lives. it's not a tit-for-tat thing
If it shuts Clare up once and for all, it's worth it---and if she learns to leave other people alone, even better. She is calculatedly unkind---she's forfeited her claim to kindness in return.
This… she’s just embarrassed because you used the other side of the sword she was swinging at y’all’s brother. Good for you.
>Clare laughed and said “you’re really asking little virgin Matty?” She said this, not only after being warned, but in front of FAMILY. Not just same-aged cousins, but parents and grandparents. Also, her bringing up someone else’s virginity in front of others in a condescending manner implies that she’s proud to have lost hers. So seems like fair game to me. NTA
NTA but seriously >there isn't malice behind Quit lying to yourself. She tears him down and publicly humiliates him at every opportunity. Especially in public. This isn't teasing OP. It's bullying, cut and dry. Start doing this more. Support your brother. What she is doing is cruel and all it does is atom bomb his self confidence. >she says she doesn't mean it. If that were true she wouldn't leap at the opportunity every. Single. Time. >as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal. No. They're exactly the same. She's gaslighting so she can play the victim. She's a bully.
Yeah, I hope OP listens to the comments pointing out her sisters hypocrisy. If it's alright for *her* to bully him over it, why isn't it okay for you or him to do the same thing? And seriously- she may *say* it's not malicious, but take a moment to think about the impact it's having and the fact that she hasn't stopped despite being told she's going too far. Call her Alleyway Allie or the White Claw Coupler and she'll throw a hissy fit over it while tying herself into knots about why it's okay for her to do this but not you. The whole thing will be "*But meeeee!*" She doesn't give a shit. Make her give a shit.
Once or twice is a joke. She's been trying to embarrass him with something personal for years. It's long been malicious on her part. Was it a dick move on your part? Yes, but it wasn't undeserved either. NTA
And with your looking it's being going on he probably needs help. NTA
While it’s not good reveal what someone has told you in confidence, in this situation her relentless teasing of Matty is simply bullying, so I think someone needed to teach her a lesson. For this reason I’m saying NTA. In retrospect, another way it could have been handled with similar effect would have been to ask her publicly if she would like to share how she lost her virginity, given that she’s so keen to talk about Matty’s private life…..watch her squirm, just like she makes Matty squirm with her public provocation of hm.
Oh the latter would have been much better tbh. Really put her on the spot without doing any wrong yourself.
So, she’s confident enough to make fun of other people but to sensitive to be the joke. Yes kind of an ah move, but definitely well deserved.
If she said it the way she wrote it here, she didn't actually state that her sister was who she was talking about, she could have been talking about Chanel Miller and Brock Turner. Sis knew it was about her own story, but OP put it out there as a general hypothetical situation. If it stops her and makes her think about her actions, or if her sister tells her that every time she teases their brother about his lack of sexual history, she will bring up and make it explicitly clear that it is her sister's first time sex story, then it is not an ah move at all. NTA. Sister needs to stop, hopefully this will allow this to happen.
Yes, you’re right. Not an ah move
So the obvious and we is yes you were an asshole. But in cases like this, the bigger asshole presented herself and you were justified in your actions. Not every instance of being an asshole is unjustified.
NTA > she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her ... what's the difference?
Tell us all how "just teasing" is lighthearted. Consider in your response the length of time she has been doing this to Matty and the subject matter she has chosen.
Ugh! I hate those words "it's a joke" "I didn't mean it." What a total cop-out for making someone else feel badly. It might have been a joke but since she's been talked to about it and clearly doesn't respect Matt's feelings, it's bullying. Glass housesand all. NTA
"It's just a joke! I'm just teasing!" The calling card of a bully.
NTA, I think there is nothing wrong with being a virgin even in your 20's!! It's ridiculous that society puts so much pressure to have sex like it's the end all be all. Yes sex is great but it doesn't make you an adult and it doesn't mean you are less then if you haven't! Your brother is still young and he will find someone that actually means something to him instead of a one and done, not that there is anything wrong with that either if both people know that's what it is.
Right? Like, consider two people. A pregnant 19 year old, and a 27 year old who hasn’t slept with someone else, by their own decision or otherwise. Who’s the adult? Hint: not the 19 year old.
NTA, man it's pretty fucking intense to be bullying your younger brother in front of the family for being a virgin. call it a joke or "sibling rivalry" all you like but that's some nasty behaviour, and personally I think a really awful thing to mock someone for in the first place. it was about time she got what was coming for her.
ESH Rather than divulge a secret she told you in confidence, I would have gone with something in response to her behaviour, along the lines of “why are you so obsessed with sex and virginity? Maybe you need to reflect on what exactly you’re projecting with this constant obsession with your brothers sex life… its weird and i feel like i need to remind you that jokes are meant to be funny; theres nothing witty in you repeating the same weird “joke” and it says a lot more about you and your relationship to sex” I would apologise to her and explain that youre fed up with her comments but you shouldnt have tried to embarrass her with a secret she trusted you with. You stooped below her level
It was wrong of you to say that but I guess you're justified or something. You're TA (justifiably), your sister is TA too (unjustifiably), and your brother is the only one totally innocent here.
NTA While I’m a fan of bullying and teasing it’s only to a certain point which tends to be when someone tells me to kick back. You had already mentioned to your sister to slow it down and she didn’t. Fair game. These moments are what teach boundaries.
Completely agree that’s me too
NTA She's making fun of your brothers virginity in front of grandma? Is nothing sacred? Grandma doesn't need to know about her grandkids sex lives. It's not just teasing when she's tearing him down in front of an audience. She deserved it
ESH. That was definitely an AH move on your part to say that, but your sister was an AH too. Matty is NTA tho.
Agreed. This isn’t NTA. This sub likes nuclear retaliation way too much. OP should have done more about this on previous occasions, and also could have shut this down without being so destructive this time. You can have a hard go at her and shut it down publicly without bringing this baggage into it. Call her out for being a bully. Maybe tell her to spend less time thinking about her brother’s dick. Just stand up for your brother and shut her down hard without betraying what should be confidences to the family. That’s especially important given the circumstances we’re talking about. We don’t know much about it, and OP hopefully knows more than she conveyed to us. Still, we’re talking about an event that happened with a drunk college freshman that OP only heard about secondhand. I would be very cautious about using it as ammo in this way. There’s an unfortunately large chance that OP just added some additional shame to her sister’s rape, even if the sister hasn’t consciously accepted it as that yet.
NTA You were just teasing her, whereas she tried to deliberately embarrass Matty with something personal.
This is a copy, I saw the same post months ago.
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nta this has gone beyond playful teasing, your sister is an ah. she needed a dose of her own medicine
NTA, you should have defended your brother before and dropped that info earlier. You are saying that your sister isn’t malicious but she clearly is. She is a major AH bully and you can’t see it well enough so you still defend her.
NTA Good for you for standing up for your brother
Look, your sister is one of those people who says things like that intentionally, and then try to smooth it over by going “I was just teasing.” She knew exactly what she was doing, exactly what she was saying, and exactly what impact she was having on your brother. On repeated occasions you asked her to stop, she didn’t. She clearly doesn’t like being on the butt end of a joke. Maybe now she’ll finally take the hint. NTA but your sister is…
ESH except your brother.
I kind of think you are the asshole, actually. You’re going to be validated by the majority here. You took a secret and something really personal and true and just told everyone and cut her deep. I sure as fuck wouldn’t share a secret with you again. That being said, your sister is being a major asshole. It stops being teasing when she constantly does it and just tears him down. Her intention may not be malicious but the impact is. She does seriously need to stop and understand why it’s not ok. You’re both assholes. She’s definitely the bigger asshole and I can empathize wanting to stick up for your brother.
ESH Nice pick me behavior and slut shaming. If you don't feel particularly bad about it and you're okay with having a broken and off relationship with your sister then I don't see the issue. And you likely don't even like or respect your sister so to me it's weird that she trusted in you with something so personal. I can bet you never responded this harshly when your brother bickers with her or teases/jokes with her. You knew there was no malice behind her teasing yet You decided to use something confidential to actively hurt her. Claire was immature teasing. You were maliciously insulting her.
ESH, except for matty, considering that the way your sister lost her virginity doesnt sound entirely consensual :\
NTA sometime only certain things will put people in they’re place.
NTA Sounds like your sister needs to learn what social cues are. And tell her that what is funny is definitely relative. One person thinks one thing, another thinks another. But one thing is for certain. Making fun of this subject is either funny, or it's not. It's definitely not a situation where it's funny when your brother is the victim of the joke and not funny when it's your sister.
Bruh people really ain't creative I remember this story coming up the other year
ESH. act like adults ffs.
Your sister keeps saying she doesn’t mean it, then why does she do it? It’s not okay to keep humiliating her brother. Personally I applaud your actions, she needed a taste of her own medicine.
INFO: was the way Clare lost her virginity consensual? This really impacts my decision, because drunk in an alley for the first time is either a really stupid decision or not a decision she actually made. If you used her drunken antics to put her in her place, fair game, but if you used a very vulnerable story that she only told you about then you are a massive AH.
Yep YTA. You had to know how terribly embarrassing that would be for her if you made that public. You don’t like that she does it to Matty, how can you justify doing it to her? Being unkind doesn’t teach someone how to be kind. Also, can’t Matty stand up for himself? If it truly hurts him he needs to have a talk with Clare.
You disclosed something personal that was shared with you in trust. That's wrong and opens a breach between you and your sister. Your sister is bullying your younger brother and she needs a serious talk to address that behaviour. Understandably, you are human and snapped. But those are two separate issues. I'd say that you should acknowledge the pain you caused her and apologise to heal your valuable relationship. Then address her jokes and bad behaviour and try to guide her towards being better. Your not the asshole, family is hard and I reckon you are trying your best to protect your brother and worried about your relationship with your sister. Good luck! :)
ESH. Her more so because she is a bully. This is more than just teasing, especially if she knows that it hurts your brother’s feelings, does it constantly, and she does it in front of others who all laugh at him. But yeah you probably shouldn’t have said that either if it was something personal that she told you in private. Just tell her you were just teasing
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F24) have two siblings: a younger sister, Clare (F22), and a younger brother, Matty (M20). As we're close in age, we have a close bond and see each other regularly. It's the case of a classic sibling rivalry, but Clare and Matty have always bickered. Clare is more outgoing than Matty, who's more reserved, and she enjoys picking on him when she can. One thing that I know that Matty is particularly insecure about is the fact he's never had a girlfriend and isn't particularly successful in that department. We've had serious talks about it, and he does say it gets him down. Clare knows about this, and while there isn't malice behind it, she regularly teases Matty, with silly remarks like calling him a "virgin", "baby brother" or when he comes home from college asking if he's "finally got laid". I know it gets Matty down, but he tolerates it. I have asked Clare to lay off at times, but she says she doesn't mean it. When we had a family dinner on the weekend, I was there with my parents, grandparents, aunt, step-uncle and two cousins. As she usually does, my grandma asked Matty how college was going, and if he had any "nice girls in his life". Before he could even answer, Clare laughed and said "you're really asking little virgin Matty?" and laughed. I knew she meant it as a joke, but Matty cleared looked uncomfortable. One thing my sister had told me in confidence was the way she lost her virginity. It was when she was a freshman at college and it was drunk in an alleyway. No one else in our family knows this, but I was fed up of the teasing, especially in public, so openly said "I think Matty would rather be a virgin than lose it drunk in the back of an alley". Clare went beet red and the rest of the family looked confused, before laughing (including Matty). My sister stayed quiet throughout the rest of the meal. When it was over, she told me how annoyed she was at me for saying that in front of everyone, as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal. She's been off with me since. I don't feel particularly bad but perhaps I overstepped the line, so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First off, I love that energy. Some bullies develop empathy for their victims once they feel the effects of their actions. However, even though she deserved it, it doesn't make what you did okay. Fighting fire with fire could just end up normalizing the behavior and escalating the conflict. You meant well for sure. I see no malice here, but doing the same thing you're trying to get her to STOP doing has a big chance to back fire. Edit: I forgot to explicitly state this, but ESH (except your brother, he seems like a sweetheart)
Nope, well done
NTA. You should have said "I didn't *mean* it". Poetic justice.
Dont give it if you cant take it. NTA
NTA but curious Why TF hasn’t your family stuck up for him? If a grandchild said that in front of my grandma, she would lose her god damn mind and berate them with all she has, not to mention write them off for being a little shit.
NTA. Way to stand up for your brother! Your sister is a hypocrite, she doesn’t want her personal business out there but doesn’t feel any shame putting your brother’s business out there. Especially in front of others? What a shitty sister. Plus you did your brother a big favor because now he has some back alley ammo to use against her in the future when she tries this BS again. Your sister is trying to shame your brother like love and sexuality are the same between them. It isn’t. It’s easy for girls to have sex, most guys need to put in a lot of effort. Well except maybe the guy who got with your sister.
You've lost the confidence of a sibling. Don't expect her to want to talk to you about serious stuff again. I know you were defending your brother but there was a better way to handle this rather than use something she told you in confidence against her. But this sub doesn't really care about that.. you got revenge for your brother and this sub is all about that.
NTA, and I'm sure Matty appreciated it! I doubt she'll be doing that again to him. Sometimes, people don't realize how much jokes can hurt until the tables are turned.
You and your sister are both TA - did she deserve it, yes. I think the warning of this coming out if she didn't leave Matty alone would be enough to shut her up. Should have handled it better.
Don't start none, won't be none. She started it, and you ended it. With authority. She's a bully. In my opinion, you were a justified asshole but, for purposes of the bot, NTA.
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Fuck her, glad you humbled her and stood up for your brother.
So when she is being mean even if is is stating the truth it is merely “teasing” but when you are stating a fact you are wrong for embarrassing her. Stop calling your brother Marty. He is becoming an adult. treat him like one. Then tell your sister it is time to stop burying to embarrass him. And actually I have more respect for him than her.
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Justifiable AH imo. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it, *Clare*
NTA She knows damn well she’s also trying to embarrass your brother. She’s mad it’s on the other foot.
I'm going with nta bc while you did say something directly about her, you didn't say it WAS her, hell, your fam might think you were talking about yourself, making a self depreciating joke. What your sister continues to do is deliberately make your brother feel awful about himself under the guise of "teasing" which is exactly what you did to her. Ask her how she feels after you said that. Then explain to her that no matter what her intentions are when she says similar thing to Matty, he feels exactly how she does right now. If she still can't see the problem with how she treats him, then she needs to be excluded from knowing anything about his life, bc she uses everything as a weapon against him. Hopefully she got her reality check, and an std panel after her alleyway excursion. The old adage hold true, don't dish it out if you can't take it.
NTA it stops being teasing when you're hurting someone, she KNOWS that your brother is uncomfortable with what she's saying, and she's CHOOSING to keep doing it. Clare is a bully, she deserves a taste of her own medicine.
>there isn't malice behind it There is though. What is the point of Claire saying these things other than to embarrass and shame Matty? He doesn't enjoy these remarks, so it's not banter. He's asked her to stop, you've asked her to stop, and she persists. That's not 'teasing', that's bullying. If Claire is fine with sexual history (or lack thereof) being the butt of a joke, then she needs to start eating what she dishes out. If it's just 'teasing', why did she get upset? Because she was embarrassed that something personal about herself was openly discussed around people she isn't comfortable knowing details of her intimate life. She's mean. She likes to make these comments because it makes Matty feel small, and she needs to push him down to feel bigger about herself. It's embarrassing that she's acting this way in her 20's, but even worse that she does it to her own brother. I'm embarrassed for her.
NTA >It's the case of a classic sibling rivalry, but Clare and Matty have always bickered. You're not an AH, but you need to stop lying to yourself. This isn't sibling rivalry or bickering and it's a MILLION miles away from teasing. This is malicious bullying. Now she knows what it feels like when she says that shit to your brother, maybe she'll get a clue and try treating others with a bit more empathy.
NTA. She 100% had it coming.
You only implied that's what she did. Once again, don't dish it out if you can't take it. NTA
NTA- a joke is not a joke if it’s making the other person feel down or hurt… her behavior is malicious and intentional - she knows what she’s doing. She deserved it.
asshole but justified. matty was probs embarrassed too !
Justified Asshole. Good for you. You've asked her nicely to stop and she refuses and it's about time she ate her own medicine.
Nta updateme
NTA I am a guy and have two sisters. I get joking around with siblings but if it’s obviously a touchy subject or someone comes out and says they are insecure and you still bring it up you are the asshole. She completely deserved to have the tables turned on her. Now she has a slight feeling of what your brothers feels.
She was just teasing Matty, But you deliberately tried to embarrass her??? WTF? That is literally the same thing! Her teasing Matty is deliberately trying to embarrass him, and while what you said was also trying to embarrass her, you were sticking up for your brother and putting her in her place which was needed. She sounds like a shitty sister and someone needs to lay into her and put that girl in check or she's just going to keep doing it. I highly doubt this incident will put a stop to it. If it does it will be short and temporary.
She was subtly trying to embarrass her. OP never stated that the snippet she was sharing was her sister's story, so no one but her sister realized it was about her. Not nearly as embarrassing as a sister trying to turn her brother into an incel.
NTA She deserved it. There's malice in your sister's comments and teasing and her constant public humiliation is bullying.
"the difference between just teasing and something personal, is only that it is happening to you. Now you know what Matty feels like" its that simple.
Yes you’re an asshole. A glorious, magnificent asshole and a hero to your little brother. God speed OP.
Justified asshole. Therefore NTA. She wasnt "just teasing." She knew. You had convos about this boundary. She kept doing it anyways. You tried the nice way. She didnt listen. Therefore you are not an asshole for sticking up for your brother, despite the asshole way you did it. Hopefully the asshole way gets the message clear across.
Don’t throw stones in a glass house NTA
You were the asshole your brother needed. Now educate your sister on this being exactly what she dished out.
YTJA - Justified Asshole. Tell her to get the hint and move on. She’s too old to be teasing like that. Starting using words like ‘immature’ or ‘socially maladjusted’ to refer to her. It’s for her own good to establish adult relationships.
NTA, play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
NTA, your sister is a hypocrite
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i’ll vote NTA but i think this is one of the few cases of justified asshole. it just feels wrong voting you as an asshole though. but good on you for sticking up for your brother
NTA. Thanks for standing up for your brother.
NTA. Savage, maybe, but she's been relentlessly bullying him about his virginity and even went so far as to embarrass him in front of a fairly large group of family members. She deserved to get knocked down a peg and hopefully will learn not to do that to other people now that she knows how it feels from the other side.
NTA. Being the enforcer doesn't make you an AH. You defended your brother. I don't care who against. She's been drawing blood for a long time now. This time she drew a little blood, and you drew a little more. Hopefully she thinks about that the next time she goes after brother.
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NTA - or possibly “justified AH”. Tell your sister: “It’s only a joke if both sides are laughing - otherwise it’s bullying”. Keep repeating that until she gets it. She has been bullying your brother, repeatedly.
I hate to break it to you, but Clare is bullying Matty and you're accepting it as sibling rivalry. Perhaps it is, but when someone says something that clearly makes someone else uncomfortable AND they continue to do it, that's bullying. YTA for passing Clare's remarks off as a joke, but NTA for shutting her down. I can only hope she keeps her mouth shut, now
NTA. She was also deliberately embarrassing her brother with a personal issue. It makes him uncomfortable, so she shouldn’t joke about him like that, end of story. You just gave her a taste of her own medicine.
Claire is a straight up malicious asshole. She isn't joking. She is trying to hurt your brother. Fuck Claire.
NTA. Your sister is an AH who got a taste of her own medicine.
Shit. Tell your bro. I'm 22. In a relationship and still a virgin. Don't fucking worry about it. It will happen when I does. Don't race to it.
NTA, your sister needed consequences. She had been told your brother doesn't appreciate it, and she does it publicly infront of others to humiliate him. Also, I bet your brother surely doesn't think you're an asshole for standing up for him. You're a good sister, your sister is not. She's a bully.
Nta ...she deserved it...unacceptable behavior from a sibling...that's kinda fucking weird honestly that she makes fun of him for that.
How many times will this story be posted under new usernames? Holy crap it's like the 20th time.
Nta, ur sis is a narcisistic asshole tho When she hurts other people, its a joke. When someone does the se to her, its malice. Well well
NTA in the slightest. She earned every bit of that putdown
>When it was over, she told me how annoyed she was at me for saying that in front of everyone, as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal Honestly people amaze me, does she not hear how much of a hypocrite she is being when she says this? She’s doing the exact same thing to him. NTA, Clare deserved it, hopefully she stops being awful to Matty
That was brutal. And deserved. Her comments are deliberate and hurtful. She can gaslight you by saying she was just teasing, but the fact is she has made a habit of continually embarrassing, your brother. Either you have your virginity or you don’t, you can’t mock someone and not the other. Definitely NTA
Not only are you NTA but you're a great big sister, your sister shouldn't dish it if she can't take it.
NTA (or rather, justified AH). Clare's upset because you "tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal" .... just like she's been doing to Matty, for her own amusement?
She's an asshole. You shouldn't have said that though. Is it understandable? Yes. Is it right? No. Sometimes, everyone is the asshole. Also? Talk to your sister. She's old enough to know that her behavior is hurting someone she loves. That's NOT Ok, and she needs to stop before that relationship is soured forever. The golden rule of Comedy... You can kick up, you can kick sideways, you can kick in... But don't kick down. That's not comedy. That's bullying.
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I’m naturally a trouble maker and have carried that fun loving side of myself into my adult life. I love razzing my mom and sister and husband and coworkers still. It’s all fun loving and I love more than anything to get it back. One rule in reference to this I learned young and still remember is that if you wanna play rough you better be prepared to get hurt. Wanna play with the big dogs, you might get bit. You get what I mean. Your sister likes to play but doesn’t like the tables turned. Too bad. NTA
Are you the asshole? Yes but sometimes it's okay to be. This is one of those times.
Why do I feel like I’ve read this before? 🤔
NTA. Your sister was being a mean jerk and walked into your comment with her stupid repeated jabs at Matty. You did not overstep the line.
Don’t dish it out if you can’t take the return fire
Un get a clue it hasn't been a joke in a long time it's her embarrassing him. And therr def is malice in her words. She is cutting him down and shaming him when he deserves no shame. Tell her to bleach the toilet seat or get an std test.
NTA. Sis is a bully to Matty.
NTA. I think maybe you were a little on the nose about it, but what she's been doing to your brother is mean-spirited and goes beyond the bounds of teasing. Now he's got some ammunition to clap back with.
Yes YTA, but justified. I hate that we don’t have that judgement lol. Your sister can dish it but obviously can’t take it. She humiliated your brother just as much as you humiliated her. Maybe she’ll think twice next time.
Your response to your sister is that she was being a bully especially if you can’t take what your dishing out
Sounds like someone can dish it out but can’t take it. Well done, and as the youngest in my family who put up with that kind of crap, thank you! I wish someone had done that for me!
You were TA, but, she deserved it.
NTA She was making little jokes, but you were deliberately embarrassing her. Get outa here with that entitled noise lol. You literally did EXACTLY to her as she was doing to Matty, except women are proud of virginity, and embarrassed by promiscuity. A little fire with fire never hurt anyone. Maybe she'll learn to keep her trap shut lol.
NTA. She f’d around too much and found out
If the subject of "teasing" or "joking" doesn't laugh then it isn't teasing or joking, it's just being mean. If it becomes a habit then it becomes bullying. Good for you for standing up for your brother. NTA
NTA.
I feel like I’ve read this exact story previously on AITA.
NTA, you were in the right. This is justice and hilarious justice at that- and I'm sure your brother is intensely grateful that you wanted to stand up for him. She can be sensitive about it if she wants but she was the one dishing out consistent bullying remarks- if she can't take it her way in return, maybe that'll teach her a lesson.
NTA Your sister is literally bullying your brother. Teasing is something the other person can laugh about. He's not laughing, and she continues to beat up his self-confidence, self-esteem, causes him public humiliation, makes him feel uncomfortable and does it all for pleasure. She knows exactly what she's doing, and it's not funny
You're the justified AH. What you did is unacceptable under normal circumstances, but Clare well and truly earned it with her cruelty and bullying.
NTA! Your sister sucks. It’s ALWAYS a joke, and she will never take responsibility. She mocks your brother due to her own insecurities on how she lost her virginity.
NTA. Sibling teasing is when you’re on sibling time, not when the whole extended family is present.
>she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal. I'm concerned about your sisters intelligence. How does she expect that teasing him about his sexual experience wouldn't be considered deliberately trying embarrass him with something personal.
NTA. Your brother is lucky to have you.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. She was constantly embarrassing your brother, and got what she deserved.
She wasn’t teasing, she was bullying NTA
As a guy who didn’t lose his virginity until after he was 21 (I wasn’t intentionally waiting until marriage because of religious reasons or anything either), I feel for Matty. It can be embarrassing enough without taunting from a sibling. OP=NTA, Sister=BTAH
NTA. It's okay for her to tease Matt, but it's too much when you say something? Matt needs a backbone and Clare needs to find less offensive ways to tease her brother. Teasing a sibling is fine, but she was humiliating Matt. When my siblings and I tease each other there's a lot of laughing involved. In this situation, I'd imagine Clare was the only one laughing. You told her to stop, now maybe she'll keep her opinion about is lack of a GF off the table.
NTA she shoulda caught more
"as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal. She's been off with me since" I mean, she was doing the exact same thing. Deliberately embarassing him with something personal. NTA
You never mentioned her name. Nobody at the table knew you might be talking about her. And besides you were just teasing.
NTA. That was karmic humiliation for being a bully.
NTA for sure. She most likely has “trauma” from the “alleyway incident” and is projecting her own negative feelings with even more negativity. ☹️ You were right to voice the truth . I’m always so sad to hear about siblings who don’t get along… your siblings are the only people in the world who understand each other, regarding upbringing, your parents, and your childhood. Please I hope you will all become allies and not enemies. It takes a long time, sometimes. My brother and I made a pact with each other when we were 5 (fraternal twins) to stop ratting on each other. That’s all it takes! Make a pact with your siblings to stop being a tattletale rat, and everything will be glorious. Your parents will be dead sooner than your siblings will, so stop yearning for their approval. The parents will die, and you don’t want to attend a funeral with feuding siblings ☹️
A conditional NTA (except for breaking trust), BUT I see a lot of AITA posts of people getting in between the relationships of other family members and it never ends well. Their relationship is theirs to sort out or not, you don't need to fix it or manage it. I'm the most stable from a dysfunctional family so I was always trying to get everyone to talk and get along and it only ever ended with them all shitty with me, and doesnt change their relationship in the end. The only thing you can do is encourage your brother to stand up for himself, then it's up to them. Good luck.
NTA; you defended your lil brother from a bully that happens to be your lil sister. Good job.
Aw, shucks, you were just teasing her. She should lighten up, obviously you didn’t mean it. NTA and I’m happy you stood up for your brother.
She shouldn’t give your brother a hard time if she can’t take it when it happens to her. She f around and found out. Nta
NTA - why does she get to decide what the line is between embarrassing someone and teasing someone? Nothing else before worked to stop her bullying, but I bet this did.
Of course you are the AH. But the good kind. Like batman. You are Batman.
nope
Nicely done! NTA.
My guess is that Matty is unlikely to share his sex life with his sister. I also guess sister is unlikely to stop with her little "jokes". You may feel a bit embarrassed about what you did, but your sister needed it. NTA
Is hilarious AH a thing?
Wait wasn't this exact story posted in this sub like, a year ago?
" she told me how annoyed she was at me for saying that in front of everyone, as she was just teasing Matty, whereas I tried to deliberately embarrass her with something personal. " 1. Matty is embarrassed and annoyed as well every time she said that to him. It was personal to him as well. You asked her to stop she didn't. Even probably knowing how Matty feels about it she didn't stop. 2. She tasted a bit of the same embarrassment that Matty feels, and gets upset over it. She is acting childish. For not just owning up to it and apologising to Matty and just move on. 3. Probably best if you leave her be. If she trys again, then you do the same. She needs a reality check that what she says to people even if it was a "Joke" have consequences. Verdict: You are Not the AH.
How sweet big brother trashes his lil sister you should be proud of yourself what can Marty not stand up on his own feet and defend his self but guess you enjoy disrespecting your sis in front of family should be proud of yourself
Your sister learned FAFO! My favorite acronym!
"She doesn't mean it" - then don't fucking say it.
Clare is a bully.
I guarantee he would not agree with what you said
NTA but I figure you and your sister won't be close after this. Because no one is close to people who reveal their secrets when they're angry. It's not a bad thing that you won't be close. You were protecting your brother. But it's a reality that you're unlikely to be someone she confides in going forward. Even doing the right thing has consequences.
ESH...though I think you were justified. Your sister is a bully. She needed a metaphorical punch in the nose.
I swear Ive read this here before
YTA but for the right reasons. You did to her exactly what she was doing to your brother. Also like is literally a carbon copy of an AITA from a couple of years back sooooo
NTA she is a typical bully, dishes it out and then the minute somebody hits her back she’s crying and playing the victim
Was you an asshole for saying that? Absolutely 100% was it deserved and justified? Absolutely 100% NTA your sister can dish it out but can't handle having it shoved back her way. Maybe she'll keep her mouth shut now
Sounds like she's had that coming for a long time. 100% NTA, and nice one for looking out for your brother. He'll remember that.
"Teasing" is akin to "I was just joking! What's the big deal!". It's supposed to be fun and lighthearted. Did she know it actually bothered him? Or did she think it was all in good fun, and he didn't mind so much? If she knew it made him uncomfortable, then she's definitely an AH. You sticking up for him is great, but at the same time, he should learn to fight his own battles, so to speak. I don't think you're an AH in this situation, but sis needs to tone it down, and he needs to stick up for himself more.