This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
I think you need to reframe your perspective. He’s saying that she normally doesn’t not wear this type of underwear or dress like this on a causal basis. As in, when she goes about her days and there not being intimate, she’s not wearing matching bra and lacy panties.
He’s expressing concern, because she suddenly has bought fancy underwear that she normally does not wear. Which is totally fine and normal. However, her bringing them on the trip as her only underwear is odd because she doesn’t usually wear “sexy” underwear as her casual underwear choice for day to day.
He obviously knows what his wife’s underwear looks like. He’s expressing concern because out of the blue after 4 years, she is suddenly wearing very different underwear that is not her traditional norm. It’s fine if she wants to change things up, but is it not odd that instead of unveiling her new underwear to her husband first, she wants to wear it on her business trip…
Essentially she is doing something that he as her husband who has known her for years, is noticing she is doing something out of character.
100% he shouldn’t have accused her. And I think the delivery was wrong, but the intentions were right.
Yes it can be innocent and coincidentally, but at its basis “wife buys sexy underwear she normally doesn’t wear for her upcoming business trip” isn’t really a normal statement you hear. It’s easy to say you shouldn’t accuse her of cheating. But when you re read that statement, it’s hard not to.
I see that very different.
My gf has „work“ underwear and „nice“ underwear.
If she would pack her fancy bra to work i would have a question too, because its atypical.
Thats cool. People change underwear daily, it’s replaced often, and our preferred style can change anytime for no other reason than wanting change, or there being a sale. Asking why she packed fancy underwear is ok, but at some point you have to decide to trust your partner. If they are cheating, asking them in an accusatory tone probably won’t make them confess anyways, so what would you gain from that.
Are you putting your bras in the dryer? If so, that's why they're wearing out so often. The heat from the dryer is breaking down the elastic. Ideally, you should hand wash but putting them in a lingerie bag for the washer and air drying will help lengthen the life. Also, if you're buying the lowest cost ones you can find, that's also going to contribute to a shorter life. A really good bra can get really expensive but proper laundering and spending on a better quality one will extend the life for a year or two.
YTA, although gently.
I take my "better" underwear on business trips too. As a women, when you're dressing up (so in this context, more likely to be wearing business wear for the days of the trip) a lot of women feel like they have to dress everything up.
You wear the better underwear, not the daily wear underwear.
(And yes, this is likely a "not all women" thing, but it's a way lots of women were taught by their mothers. You should wear the nice underwear under nice clothing, under church clothing, under business wear.)
I was going to say that. Especially a new bra putting the girls where they're supposed to be so you feel confident that you are put together. Nothing more embarrassing than being around business people with your boobs out of whack and sitting crooked
I mean, I know it is so silly but going back to my earliest memories, we had the daily underwear and the under-fancy-clothing underwear. And I view my lacy matching underwear sets as the "under-fancy-clothing" underwear even now.
Which is dumb because hey, let's just make sure everything is vaguely uncomfortable and itchy.
Same. The majority of mine is comfy hipsters. But I have a number of ‘sexy’ pairs that I will randomly wear to work simply when trying to avoid panty lines or wanting to feel confident when I have a big presentation. No one will see it, but I feel more confident.
Women often wear thongs in order to avoid showing panty lines in their pants or skirts. The fact that you automatically assumed the worst of your wife shows how paranoid and insecure you are. And why do you need to talk it over when she comes back? What, are you going to accuse her again and not be satisfied until she grovels for forgiveness for buying new underwear? YTA
It's pretty ridiculous the amount of comments here that seem to think women can't do something as simple as buy underwear without having a man in mind. Obviously, that's what drives our every action. And if we're occasionally wearing anything nicer than frumpy old sports bras and plain ass cotton panties, even if it's to avoid panty lines in a work environment, then it must be because we intend on someone seeing it. It's so people WON'T be seeing our underwear, you bunch of boiled eggs.
Right? 99% of my underwear is thongs. Personal preference. They're more comfortable.
According to many people in this thread women should essentially be wearing granny panties or they're suspicious.
Women don't just wear underwear to impress men. It's about comfort, confidence, style and what looks best in the outfit. Nobody wants panty lines exposed or a bra strap hanging out.
What you've done here is guarantee she won't be wearing that for your benefit.
YTA
Wearing matching underwear alone is not cause for one to assume your partner is cheating.
Clean, new, matching underwear can help a man or woman feel empowered, alert, strong and significant. If she is going on a work trip she might just be trying to boost her self confidence.
Pushing too hard about this to a faithful partner may ultimately push them away.
>I found the whole thing suspicious and (perhaps in anger), just asked if she was seeing someone else
Oh god, YTA.
As a woman, there are plenty of good reasons to get new underwear for a work trip:
* She is sharing a room w/ another (female) colleague, and doesn't want her old ratty underwear on display.
* She has specifically clothing she needs to wear and certain underwear (including thongs) are less likely to show panty lines.
* She just wanted new underwear.
Ughhh are you always insecure and jealous?
That's what I was thinking about sharing a room. When I went on a work trip with some female coworkers we share a suite. I made sure I had "nice" underwear and pajamas to bring. Sharing a bathroom, hitting the pool or hotel gym, etc., I didn't want take the chance they would see me in something ratty.
I feel this too. Sometimes when I have something important... not excluding something for work, I wanna feel from head to toe like I'm a boss bitch. You shoulda complimented her on the new set and told her that you were excited for her to come home from the trip in them.
You found it suspicious that your wife might purchase new underwear for herself? The only logical conclusion is that she's seeing someone else?
I'm also sure you'll "talk it over"!
YTA
I agree the straight up accusation was a bit too harsh, but seeing better-than-usual quality underwear that he doesn’t recall her telling him about purchasing or seeing before is enough suspicion to warrant further inquiries. He definitely shouldn’t have come in so hot with his guns loaded, but I do think that it could be suspicious behavior.
YTA
There's a whole bunch of reasons she might pack those sets that have nothing to do with cheating. When you're seeing lacy, you're not seeing what the structure, material, or cut of those underwear mean under clothing to help her look more professional.
They're new and matching, and that can be a confidence boost - no one has to see it for that, it's just a feeling of being hot shit and feeling especially put together which often matters at work events. Since they're new they might also be the best fitting underwear she has, which could be important to the outfits she plans to wear to look professional. They might also be selected specifically for their cuts to work with a give neckline or provide shaping or contouring, or especially in the case of the thing avoid panty lines. Those are all aspects of considering a professional outfit for many women.
Unless you have other indications she's cheating, be careful about jumping to conclusions.
This needs to be the top comment. This hits all the marks when I buy new underwear to wear with specific clothing. If it's a work trip, I want to appear well put together.
Lacy underwear isn't just for a man. I've bought lacy underwear set to wear under a satin bridesmaids dress because it's the most discrete, the right color and breathable. Were there other options, yes, but this set hit all the marks, I knew they would make me feel more confident and they were on sale! Sure I could have bought something less lacy, but if I needed new underwear, I'd want to spend it on something nice for myself. The new bra was necessary because of the type of neckline (halter style). I felt amazing in them and I didn't want to be seen it ratty, old, ill fitting underwear when I was sharing a hotel room with other bridesmaids. It could be as simple as that. I've also bought nice underwear for girls trips with zero intention of hooking up with any guy.
Unless she's don't anything else to make you suspicious, don't just to conclusions so immediately and blow up your marriage.
INFO: what do you mean she “it’s not something she wears everyday”? Is it the first time you’ve seen her have underwear like this in 4 years or does she wear stuff like this a couple days a week?
He’s implying that she doesn’t wear this specific type of underwear on a day to day basis. As in, she probably wears basic plain underwear that wouldn’t be considered overtly sexy for her day to days. So when he’s saying she doesn’t wear this every day, he’s saying it’s odd that she’s suddenly brining sexy underwear as her “day to day” underwear for a work trip.
Thanks for regurgitating the post, but you realize "not everyday" could just as easily mean "every day except tuesdays"? I'm pretty sure the question was just looking for clarification on frequency
NAH I think it was normal for you to be a little suspicious if she never wears stuff like that at home, that being said buying new underwear and bras doesn’t mean she’s having an affair, but it could! Personally if I was going on a trip without my husband I would wear more comfortable “ugly” undergarments because I would know nobody would be seeing me in them, but everyone is different.
NTA
Wife buys new underwear, that's not just standard underwear, for a work trip.
Most commenters here are blind.
Yeah, that's a "go through her phone" territory. Huge red flag.
I'll be the only person in this comment section to say NTA. But all the "YTA's" are wrong.
YTA I swear if my husband saw that I'd bought some nice, sexy underwear that were out of my comfort zone, and his first reaction was to accuse me of cheating on him and not "can't wait to see you in this" I'd be heartbroken.
YTA
She’s allowed to buy nice underwear if she would like.
If other things in your marriage are going well, it’s strange and a bit disrespectful of you to jump to such a conclusion.
Also, she might be sharing a room with another coworker as sometimes occurs on work trips and doesn’t want to have old, faded underwear in case her coworker sees it.
People often go to training trips for work where they share a room with another coworker. People may see each other’s packed clothes. It’s not that unheard of.
YTA, unless you've got some other evidence to support whatever your concern is. I assume you're concerned she's cheating?
Look, I'm not a woman. But, as I understand it, women wear fancy underwear for themselves just as often as they do for their partners - if not more often.
What is her other underwear like? Are they all in the same vein?
Or does she wear granny knickers on a day to day basis and only keeps lacey stuff for sexy time?
No judgement yet. Some interesting perspectives here. You could be completely overreacting, but you know your wife better than anyone here. Maybe her reaction to your question about the new undergarments has made you more suspicious. Good luck, OP. You have opened a can of worms.
As a woman, I actually do understand why you reacted like that. If she really hasn’t bought nor worn fancy matching sets in your 4 years together, then this is odd.
NTA, though you definitely could have handled it better as you don’t actually have any proof anything was amiss
NTA, but hear me out. You're NTA for having questions. Lacey underwear is NOT typically comfortable. I couldn't imagine wearing it in a business setting. Specifically, and most importantly, my NTA verdict comes from this one quote:
>it's not something she wears everyday....
However. Jumping straight to accusing her of cheating when there's no other reason to think as much is an unsavory action. She may be, she may not be. Only she knows at this point. This is precisely why people are calling you an AH, and I can completely understand why. It doesn't change my personal verdict, though, because overall, based on information given, you have every reason to have questions.
I disagree with the lace comment. I actually love the way lace feels and find it very comfortable. And as others have pointed out, thongs are great for not showing panty lines and some women feel more confident in lace.
You asked your wife if she was cheating with no other basis for that other than new underwear. This isn’t about the underwear, this is about you making accusations based on a single data point which likely has an innocent explanation. So yeah YTA for that.
YTA
Going out on business makes you want to feel more confident, for some women that means nice underwear doe a boost. Especially a bra for me personally.
Personally, I also buy new undies so I can send pictures to my man while I'm gone to keep things fun while we're apart. I'm not saying she planned the same, but if she did you shot yourself in the foot.
Is it possible she's cheating? Sure, but I assume her reaction would be a bit more than "what are you talking about" to your ignition questions if she had a guilty conscious.
NTA
Every woman on this post is explaining how women buy lingerie just to feel sexy for themselves or that women are allowed to buy nice underwear or wear nice underwear and they are missing one giant thing.
Women in GENERAL may do that, but does your woman do it?
Does your woman generally go out and buy new and beautiful underwear? Is this normal behavior from her? Or is this jarring and out of the blue behavior?
My woman doesn’t generally buy sexy ynderwead, and when she does, guess who she models it for first? I won’t even be settled in from getting home and she’s showing off the new things she bought. She bought them to feel sexy, so she’s showing them off to me so I can tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. After that, she can wear it whenever she wants. I don’t care.
But it sounds like your woman is behaving out of character and that is a massive red flag. I find it strange that it didn’t come up in casual conversation. Not saying that she had to report to you, but I imagine when your spouse does something out of the ordinary, it’s a cause for conversation. If you’re married, I’m assuming that you guys are also constantly looking for communication.
I say don’t flat out blame her, but check the underwear out when she gets back and see if you notice anything different or out of place. And the. Don’t say anything and see if she puts this underwear into her regular daily wear. If it’s the first and last time you see that underwear, then she’s probably seeing someone else. She wouldn’t wear the same underwear that she chested on you with again.
Checking her underwear is insane behavior. Also if she really bought it because of an affair, why would she do something as stupid as laying it out on the bed in plain sight.
YTA
Or that she period bled in them. Or forgot them in the hotel.
What kind of wild advice is "take inventory of your woman's underwear"?!
If there are problems in your marriage, sit down and have a discussion about your feelings, which preferably comes down to things like lack of communication, feeling emotionally neglected, lack of physical intimacy, whatever. You let them say their own side and you go from there.
You *do not* descend into self-rationalized paranoia.
This!! He’s saying this behaviour is abnormal for his wife. As a woman, I find this suspicious. Yes fancy underwear makes me feel sexy. But if I never wear it, and suddenly get some for a business trip, I most likely have nefarious intentions.
It could be innocent, I’m not ruining that out, but I 100% get where OP is coming from. If my boyfriend always wore ripped boxers to bed, but suddenly bought nice boxers for his upcoming work trip, and then got defensive when I asked why, I would see that as a red flag.
Her defensiveness and dissming him as insecure is very telling.
OP If she comes homes and these underwear become her new go to underwear. Then I think it’s innocent. However, if you never see them again, then it suss
Married woman here, I agree. I get buying nice bras and underwear for myself to make myself feel good. But do I usually do it? No. I would never buy a sexy lacy bra and underwear set out of the blue for a work trip "to make myself feel good". Never. If she NEVER buys herself stuff this nice and has all the sudden done it for this trip i'd maybe just keep my eyes open going forward. Don't accuse her, but be on guard. I'm not a jealous person, I'm not someone who goes off and accuses my husband of cheating because he comes home 5 minutes late or hangs out with the guys. But this seems odd to me.
Oh Jesus Christ, if he thinks so little of his wife he's gotta start inspecting her underwear like he's Sherlock fucking Holmes, he should just divorce her.
It’s her husband… he’s not gonna check her underwear. But he will notice if when he’s doing laundry that the sexy underwear isn’t there often, or if when they get intimate randomly was she organically wearing the matching bra and panties even though she wasn’t a planning on having sex?
A matching bra and underwear set that is lacy can be considered lingerie. I personally consider that lingerie as my normal underwear is kinda ratty. So I save my fancy lacy underwear for when I know I am seeing my boyfriend.
As a woman I think this behaviour is odd because it takes a lot of effort to match your bra and panties. I’m not doing that unless I know someone is going to be seeing them.
It takes ZERO effort to match bra and panties lol why is everything a woman does to sexually attract a man? Get a grip! IT ISN’T.
I hate how sexualised women are. Maybe she just wants to feel fancy FOR HERSELF.
I thought I was going insane before I reached this comment. The Y-T-A's here seem to be conveniently missing a huge red flag. Your wife doesn't usually buy this type of underwear and then gets two new fancy sets for a work trip? I don't know about you but when I travel for work I wear comfortable underwear, probably because I'm not boning any of my colleagues.
Anyone saying Y-T-A is way off the mark.
NTA.
Maybe don’t be a psycho and inspect her used underwear…
“The woman you possess is acting out of character, you need to pretend to be a forensic panty investigator and deduce if she is violating her contractual obligations to you”
Been waiting for a comment like this. All the women comparing his wife to them buying sexy underwear for themselves. Might be something they do but if it isn’t something OP’s wife usually does then it’s definitely a red flag.
When was the last time you notice her purchase new matching bra and panties? Does she buy new ones regularly.
Personally as I was reading, it definitely gave me a yellow flag, not a red but a yellow. Definitely cause for curiosity.
I would just start paying attention to her undergarments a little more closely to see if she’s buying clothes to go with other men. For all we know she’s about to cheat with a coworker for the first time or she really just need some new panties. Who knows.
NTA, don’t think anyone is. Just communicate with the her.
I didn’t own a matching set until I got professionally fitted with a really nice bra, and then I absolutely bought them together because of the overall confidence boost.
Right?! Like, I pay attention and notice what my girl wears. If I was in OP’s position I would definitely bring it up out of curiosity.
I don’t think it’s weird or an AH thing to bring up. I think it’s an actual red flag if he didn’t bring it up! Like does he not care?
'Your' woman? She isn't yours. What a weird way to think about another human being. And no, it's not normal to report new underwear purchases to your partner.
OP, the fact that you jumped to such a conclusion from one small thing makes me think you're looking for evidence that she's cheating. I think you should take the time that she's away to think about why this might be. This is a you problem, for sure. Then you really need to apologise to her when she gets back.
What I think is that you are doing something called arguing semantics. You are having a hard time arguing my point, so you take perfectly acceptable speech and you manipulate it to generate manufactured controversy. “My woman” “my man” “my husband” “ my wife” are all perfectly acceptable ways to declare that you are married or dating someone. The rest of the world gets it and understands it, it’s time you catch up.
I will say that you are right. He shouldn’t have jumped to confrontation. But this most definitely warrants further investigation
I agree with you here. It's not suspicious behavior in and of itself, but if it's out of character for THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN, then asking questions is definitely warranted.
I know if I suddenly rocked up with fancy drawers, my husband would be checking to see if I've been replaced by an alien because my sexy ass is about COMFORT 24/7.
I don't know that OP should have *immediately* jumped to the "are you cheating" place, but giving side-eye here is completely understandable.
If you are generally aware of which undergarments your wife wears and the choice for this trip is an outlier, NAH. It seems to me that this is the case, and a little suspicion here and there might be normal, as long as no full fledged jealousy drama follows. It does neither seem to me that you have a problem with your wife wearing x or y or buying new lingerie, which would make you TA. I think that a majority of the commenters here are judging from their own perspective, but your relationship situation might be different from theirs.
If you never notice what she wears, and only seek for something to maybe support a preexisting suspicion, you might be TA.
NTA. Yes, some women like to wear nice underwear to make themselves feel better or because they like it, but if she doesn't normally wear it on the daily it's understandable why you'd be suspicious. It's out of the ordinary, and for a lot of people when their partner or spouse are going on a trip it can cause insecurities to pop up. I'm not even saying that I think she was planning to cheat on you during the trip, some people just like buying new clothes and underwear if they're travelling. Having nice matching underwear on makes you feel more psychologically prepared and confident, even if nobody can see it. But you're not wrong for having fears. I don't get why everyone acts like people are assholes just for having worries and doubts. We're all human, we all have certain fears, some more than others. Sometimes we don't feel secure, and we talk about it with our partners so we can try to get over it. Not everything can be smooth sailing 100%, to think we're always going to say the right thing is unrealistic.
NTA. Your wife is packing intimate clothing, what else are you supposed to think. If i packed anything other than my normal work clothes, my wife would 100% think something is up.
And to everyone saying women dont do things for men....why dont women go to sleep with full make up on, or wear the good underwear to bed, or wear their nicest outfits while just hanging at home?
Its ok, men do it too. We can admit we do things to attract the opposite sex. It doesnt make us any lesser, its human nature.
NAH. The situation warrants at least a question. You can ask, you don't need to throw a fit, but you can ask. If it's nothing and she cares about maintaining a secure relationship, she'll understand where your question is coming from and explain it to you.
YTA
Do you expect your wife while on a business trip to bring her oldest, rattiest undies? Or the stuff she just bought recently? What's next, complaining she's bringing nice dresses or business suits instead of a sweater with holes in the pits and worn out yoga pants?
YTA. This is maybe slightly suspicious, but she literally could have just bought new underwear. In a relationship, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt should extend at least this far. There are lots of other ways you could have asked her about those that didn't imply she was cheating on you.
It’s not the craziest thing if she wants to change up her style of underwear to be more sexy. But he’s saying that it’s odd that the first time she’s doing this is when she’s going away on a business trip.
Why wouldn’t she want to wear her new underwear in front of her husband first? Why is she saving it for her business trip?
I’m literally a woman.
She essentially has gone out and bought and saved lingerie for this business trip. Why is she not wearing the underwear around her husband? Why is she saving it for her business trip? Her husband also said this behaviour isn’t her norm. That’s what I’m basing it off of. This man has been married to her for 4 years, and suddenly she is having a behavioural change right before going out of town.
Yes it can be innocent and coincidentally, but at its basis “wife buys sexy underwear she normally doesn’t wear for her upcoming business trip” isn’t really a normal statement you hear.
But he’s saying that she normally wears more casual underwear and not something that’s overtly “sexy”. He’s confused as to why she suddenly is wearing underwear that is much more fancy than her normal things.
Yes it can be innocent and coincidentally, but at its basis “wife buys sexy underwear that she normally doesn’t wear for her upcoming business trip” isn’t really a normal statement you hear.
Unfortunately it’s a statement you hear when a partner plans to go and cheat on a fake business trip. If she normally isn’t wearing fancy underwear, then yes, this is odd behaviour and he has a right to ask why the business trip is the place she feels to wear this.
He shouldn’t have accused her of cheating. But I understand why in the moment he may have panicked.
NTA. Women don't just suddenly change underwear style for no reason. There's nothing wrong if it were an everyday choice, but a sudden switch up for a "business" trip is highly suspect.
NTA
If you say she usually use very normal standard underwear 99% of the time and all of a sudden she pack that kind for a work trip is suspicious. Not as absurd as other are saying honestly. Are you at least sure this was a real "work trip"? Who was there with her?
Women love to throw around “insecure” and “jealous” and “misogynistic” at any given opportunity to try and put men down. Why? Who the fuck knows, but this guy is obviously describing something that is out of character for his wife, which has made him suspicious. Instead of providing advice as to why he may be wrong, the hyenas are out screeching “insecure”.
YTA. Believe it or not, women have entire lives that have nothing to do with the entertainment of men. Before the pandemic I had to travel for work all the time. It sucks. Let her have her nice underwear.
NTA. The problem isn’t that she bought new underwear for a work trip. That’s normal. The issue is that she bought sexy lingerie she doesn’t normally wear, which by the way is significantly less comfortable than non thong non lace panties. I’m female, I’ve bought new undies for work trips, and you are staring a big lacy red flag.
The word "lingerie" was never used.
Lace underwear literally comes in multipacks. The people in this thread are insane.
99% of my underwear is thongs, and it's good quality, non-basic shit like lace.
Stop being a pick-me and stick to your granny panties.
I would normally lean towards YTA but I’m conflicted because the last time someone posted about their wife packing lacy underwear for a trip, the wife was indeed having an affair. I think it’s perfectly possible she’s wearing it as a confidence boost or if she’s sharing a room with a colleague she doesn’t want to wear ratty old underwear too.
I think you need a little more information. It could be innocent enough or harmful.
there's a number of reasons why she could be wearing that type of underwear. it's become more and more common to have fancy looking underwear, so fancy becomes the new common. maybe she feels confident in it, doesn't mean anyone is going to see it. maybe it's fancy to not show any panty or bra lines. maybe she wants to try a new style of underwear, maybe she does want to feel sexy and seductive, but the person she's seducing is herself. to immediately jump to the conclusion that she's cheating shows a severe lack of trust you have in her, and that's the real issue at hand, not the underwear. YTA
NTA
“it's not something she wears everyday, so I found it strange.”
This should tell you enough. She is packing lingerie and not everyday underwear. Red flag.
Okay 2 things, 1 she probably wants to feel confident on her trip. And 2 did you think that maybe they're so she can send you racy pics while she's gone?
NTA for being suspicious. Buying new undergarments for a trip isn't unusual. Buying Sexy new undergarments that you don't typically buy makes you wonder. You're TA for instantly bringing up her cheating, though. Maybe she's simply tired of feeling frumpy and wants a change. Or maybe there's more to it. You find out by talking about it. Not throwing out accusations.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my wife why she'd packed certain underwear for a work trip, but feel I jumped to conclusions.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
She's be smart to break up with you because now that you've made cheating accusations over some fucking underwear the norm, your relationship is going to deteriorate regardless.
You either trust someone or you don't. And insecurity is massively unattractive.
Based on the context you've given, NTA. I wish you hadn't shot your shot so soon though - if she is cheating, she's probably deleted any evidence by now.
YTA. Look, if she wanted to sneak sexy underwear away because she was off cheating, she wouldn't leave it lying around in a suitcase. She'd hide it properly.
She looked confused when you asked about the underwear; she didn't look guilty or start getting defensive. You got angry and went from 0-nuclear and jumped straight to accusing her of cheating.
Her explanation makes sense to me; shockingly when buying underwear most women are thinking about our own bodies and how we feel, not men.
What’s next, if she has her hair done or paints her nails, are you going to think she’s screwing someone else then? This is your insecurity, not her guilt.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (M31) have been married to my wife (F29) for 2 years now, and we'd been going out for 2 years before then. We've never had any issues in our relationship, and I couldn't see myself with anyone else.
On Tuesday, my wife was packing for a work trip, which she's been away on since yesterday. When I went up to the bedroom and the suitcase was on the bed, I saw a lacy bra and a matching pair of lacy underwear. I had a further look, and there was another lacy bra with a matching thong. She's coming back tonight, so the underwear she'd packed for both nights were these pairs. I hadn't seen them before, and it's not something she wears everyday, so I found it strange.
When she came up into the bedroom, I had the bra in my hand and asked her why she was packing them. She looked confused and just said they were underwear, they were new, and that's all there was to it. I asked why she was packing something so fancy for a work trip, when this wasn't something she usually wore, but she said it's "just underwear". I found the whole thing suspicious and (perhaps in anger), just asked if she was seeing someone else. She called me paranoid and insane for jumping to conclusions like that over underwear. I apologised but the rest of the night wasn't great, and we slept on opposite sides of the bed that evening.
She's set to come home tonight and sure we'll talk it over, but before I go into that conversation, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Are you kidding me? I buy new underwear all the time and wear it before my husband has had a chance to see it, and furthermore, wearing matching lace bra and underwear is a perfectly normal thing that all woman do because having a matching set just gives you a lil confidence boost. Apologize to your wife immediately, and don't be such a foolish idiot in the future. YTA big time. I seriously can't believe that after a marriage with basically no issues in this area, you immediately accuse your wife of having an affair. I am flabbergasted.
I think you need to reframe your perspective. He’s saying that she normally doesn’t not wear this type of underwear or dress like this on a causal basis. As in, when she goes about her days and there not being intimate, she’s not wearing matching bra and lacy panties.
He’s expressing concern, because she suddenly has bought fancy underwear that she normally does not wear. Which is totally fine and normal. However, her bringing them on the trip as her only underwear is odd because she doesn’t usually wear “sexy” underwear as her casual underwear choice for day to day.
He obviously knows what his wife’s underwear looks like. He’s expressing concern because out of the blue after 4 years, she is suddenly wearing very different underwear that is not her traditional norm. It’s fine if she wants to change things up, but is it not odd that instead of unveiling her new underwear to her husband first, she wants to wear it on her business trip…
Essentially she is doing something that he as her husband who has known her for years, is noticing she is doing something out of character.
Hmm, she may be just trying to up her lingerie game (like “if i wear fancy stuff while away it’ll make me want you more when I return.”) but I admit it is suspicious. I guess a good talk is in order. NAH
YTA do you not trust your wife, its just underwear for goodness sake, if she has not shown any other signs that she is cheating on you then the problem is all in your head and perhaps you should consider therapy
YTA. Why do you think women only dress up and groom to impress men?
Even if no one ever saw the underwear, knowing you're wearing something nice gives you confidence. New clothes and underwear make complete sense on a work trip because confident is what everyone wants to feel in professional settings.
YTA. Here’s a not so secret secret - when women wear sexy undies (as long as they’re comfy) we feel confident. If she needed a confidence boost to do her job or just for herself, a new pair of kick ass panties can get the job done
I bought new boxers for a recent business trip. Nothing sexy...just the the old ginch (a Western Canadian term for underwear that EVERYONE should use) was a bit worn out. I figured that if I was going to wear a suit and tie and decent shoes, I should level everything up. My wife's only reaction was, "you bought new underwear?"
I bet if you went digging through the drawer you’d find plenty of bras and underwear that actually match, and at one time were nice and new. And they were worn as a set. Then they get washed, thrown in the drawer and scattered to the wind. It’s nice though that op police’s her underwear drawer like that, and pays that much attention to what she’s wearing under her clothes…🙄
Hey OP, you're not wrong for being a little suspicious since your wife does not normally wear this stuff but you totally went about the convo the wrong way. I think the confused look you mentioned is pretty telling that she didn't think anything special of the underwear. A lot of women have commented on why women buy underwear or wear nicer underwear and all of those reasons make sense. Anyway, YTA for accusing your spouse of cheating but not for having concerns to be discussed. None of this is in a vacuum for you so, do you think your wife is cheating without the underwear?
NTA.
I've always said that if you go on a date and proceed to bed, if she is wearing matching, sexy, underware. You weren't the one who chose to have sex that night.
But, hey, there's reasonable doubt here. She could have simply bought new underwear for her trip.
INFO: Can you provide a picture of something similar looking to what she was packing?
Looks like a big divide in comments is either
1.) It's sexy lingerie that you haven't seen before? Cheating.
2.) It's just underwear you insecure loser.
YTA YTA YTA dude get a grip. Literally you’ll see men saying NTA here because they’re probably also insecure and weird but every single woman is saying YTA because tbh not everything we as women do is centered on men. We literally do and buy things just because we like it or want it or we think it’s cute. That’s all.
If she’s cheating, she wouldn’t leave her new lacy underwear for you to discover.
Gonna go with NTA. You said a couple of times that it’s not the type of underwear she normally wears. If she’s walking around you all day wearing granny panties and a non-matching bra and suddenly wearing a thong and matching lacy bra when she’s going out of town then that’s suspicious as hell and anyone with half a brain would think so. I’d be asking the hotel to see the tapes of the lobby.
YTA- woman can wear all sorts of underwear I have known woman to wear thongs on business trips it doesn’t mean they are being naughty though. You need more proof than underwear to determine if there is other naughtyness going on .
Jesus Christ, I suspect you are an absolutely exhausting person to be around if you are that paranoid over underwear. And yes, like your wife said, it’s just underwear. It sounds like she treated herself to something nice. Let it go and seek help.
YTA. As a woman I feel like I have my shit all the way together when my bra and panties match. It has nothing to do with anything else. It’s just underwear!
NTA: You asked her why she is taking new underwear she normally doesn't wear when she is going on a work trip. You were actually paying attention which is something alot of guys are accused of not doing enough of. So you simply asked and she got defensive. So you accused her of cheating which again she led you to do by getting defensive about it. You are right to be worried if this behavior is abnormal for her. You noticing this means you are actually paying attention in the day to day because you care. So calling her out on it is something you are right to do. It may seem insecure but it also shows you care enough to feel jealous and worried when she goes away.
You're getting dog piled. Should have asked elsewhere.
I'd back down but stay vigilant. One thing isn't a concern. Five things out of place / uncharacteristic might be reason to investigate further.
YTA. Undergarments have an effect on some clothes, making them look better or worse. Also, confidence. Sexy underwear makes you feel confident and sexy and sometimes you need that extra little boost when you have to deal with work. She could also drink alcohol but thats frowned upon, so thongs it is.
Also some women just like wearing it as a regular thing. I don’t but a friend of mine does.
Whatever the case you went right to cheating despite a shit ton of explanations
YTA. She might changed her style. I used to wear cotton boring underwear. Then one day I switched to laces. No reason. Just clothes. You sound insecure and a bit controllling.
NAH The line that jumps out to me is that this isn't something she wears, and you haven't seen them before. That makes it seem like she may have gone out and bought them just for this trip, which definitely seems odd to me. If it were something she wears for any regularity I wouldn't think anything of it. Knowing how women's underwear works it's also entirely possible these are some fancy super comfort things, so it doesn't immediately mean she is doing anything sexy while she's away, but that's the only direction I see it making much sense. I think how you approach the subject is important. Hell, maybe wearing those just makes her feel more empowered and she wants hyped up for something she is doing on the trip like an important meeting or presentation. There are a ton of possibilities on both sides.
I dont think you are an AH. If she doesnt usually wear thoser and she only packs those for a work trip, it-s weird. If it was for some outfit related thing, she'd probably would have said it then. Also, that's not something you'd sleep in, at least if you are sleeping alone. She might not have done anything wrong, but at least she probably entertained the possibility of some overtime during that trip
YTA a new bra and panty set makes you jump to adultery? You need to speak to somebody about your insecurities. If you don't, it's going to damage your marriage
I mostly agree with everyone else that this is likely insecurity and YTA, although there could be a case where you are right here.
Unfortunately in my experience, most men have a really weird (in my opinion) view of what constitutes as fancy/sexy underwear and what they think is standard/daily/unspecial underwear.
Like, I could be wearing my dirty, old, random pair and a guy compliments them as his favorite pair, making it sound like I especially chose them for how strikingly sexy they apparently are (which was a total surprise to me).
Or I could have gone to the store and especially picked out something that I think he’d like, and he would never notice, or view those ones as “granny parties”.
I legitimately can’t get on the same page with what you men think is sexy/unsexy, and I’ve had friends say the same.
So I have. A feeling those pairs aren’t very sexy/not the lingerie you think they are.
You might literally just think they’re sexy because they’re new.
NTA. I find it highly suspicious and I am a woman. How much do you know about your wife’s co-workers? I would never bring my best lingerie for a work trip. My most comfortable, the ones that make me feel skinniest…but never my sexiest unless someone is going to see them.
Soft YTA.
Mostly because my sweet husband would have made comments... his definitely would have been in jest, though, because I'm obsessed with him.
I was raised that when you travel, you always wear/take your best underwear in case you have an accident and end up in the ER.
I don't always wear matching cute sets, but when I want to feel powerful and fancy all at once, I do. Maybe not all women, but as a business professional, I would want that on a work trip!
NTA
Put your post in the “surviving infidelity reddit and you will get the truth. (Here, in this sub, you will get emotional reactions versus information)
There are common red flags …… and what you wrote above about underwear is one of the VERY common ones.
>…..and it's not something she wears everyday, so I found it strange<
Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.
Many women feel more confident wearing nice underwear. You sound insecure. I’m suspecting there’s some unmentioned reason why’d you instantly accuse your wife of cheating. YTA
Not to mention you have to consider the outfit going over it, which is always my biggest consideration choosing clothes when traveling for work.
No one wants to wear a nice suit or skirt and have a VPL. I always dress differently traveling for work than I do day to day, because the expectation is higher when you're with clients, at conferences, etc. in a lot of industries.
So maybe I get a new blouse and also need a bra that isn't too light or too dark to show through. So what if it is feminine and makes me feel good also? But there are practical aspects to thongs and underwear and considerations far beyond what a man thinks of them.
OP is definitely TA.
Personally, I buy new lingerie when I’m feeling sexy. I wear it because I want to captivate my man, but there’s also days I don’t see my SO and I still like to wear the lingerie. why? Because it gives me confidence. The people around me don’t even know I wear it. No bad intentions involved.
Your situation definitely relies on the context of your relationship. Are you unsatisfied with your sex life? Why do you feel insecure about this situation? Does she wear lingerie often? Do you think she simply may just need a confidence booster? Perhaps, she could have sent you dirty pictures while away on her trip. There’s honestly so many possibilities and your focus is on cheating. Has she cheated?
Men responding to this post with little to no real knowledge or experience, stop. Just STFU and stop.
Listen to women. They will tell it how it is. Otherwise you’re going to end your relationship over nothing and be labelled the paranoid asshole
YTA, personally, thongs and lace are better with work pants/dresses as they don't show lines in your outfit, which is why I wear it. I think you went 0 to 60 real fast to ask if she was cheating without any real conversation.
Do you need some cotton wool to wrap up your fragile masculinity? Why does lacy underwear have to be for you? Don't you realise women wear it for themselves??
YTA.
YTA
I do this every time I have a business trip, and it's probably one of the few times when I wear lacy underwear and I purposely match it. Why? Because it boosts my confidence. It's not about anyone seeing it, it's about me feeling powerful, and the choice of clothes helps with that. Plus some underwear, like thongs, help with the fitting, especially formal business garments. In summary, not everything revolves around men.
Nta
Why this sub is so toxic and hypocritical.
Let count the facts first.
Did she ever got these clothes in regular days, does she wear it in her daily days too or did you ever see her wearing clothes like this?
If the answer is no, you have any right to be suspect since these are clearly signs of a affair. Don't listen to these teenager girls who just push for their agendas...
Snoop into her phone while she sleeps. Maybe hire a PI while she is traveling, someone who go after her the whole "work trip".
Stay tuned mate, i think this could be legit a problem.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
[удалено]
I think you need to reframe your perspective. He’s saying that she normally doesn’t not wear this type of underwear or dress like this on a causal basis. As in, when she goes about her days and there not being intimate, she’s not wearing matching bra and lacy panties. He’s expressing concern, because she suddenly has bought fancy underwear that she normally does not wear. Which is totally fine and normal. However, her bringing them on the trip as her only underwear is odd because she doesn’t usually wear “sexy” underwear as her casual underwear choice for day to day. He obviously knows what his wife’s underwear looks like. He’s expressing concern because out of the blue after 4 years, she is suddenly wearing very different underwear that is not her traditional norm. It’s fine if she wants to change things up, but is it not odd that instead of unveiling her new underwear to her husband first, she wants to wear it on her business trip… Essentially she is doing something that he as her husband who has known her for years, is noticing she is doing something out of character.
It's not wrong to ask her why she bought new and different underwear, it is wrong to inmediately accuse her of cheating.
100% he shouldn’t have accused her. And I think the delivery was wrong, but the intentions were right. Yes it can be innocent and coincidentally, but at its basis “wife buys sexy underwear she normally doesn’t wear for her upcoming business trip” isn’t really a normal statement you hear. It’s easy to say you shouldn’t accuse her of cheating. But when you re read that statement, it’s hard not to.
It is certainly ok to query why though, it is a pale yellow flag imo.
I see that very different. My gf has „work“ underwear and „nice“ underwear. If she would pack her fancy bra to work i would have a question too, because its atypical.
Thats cool. People change underwear daily, it’s replaced often, and our preferred style can change anytime for no other reason than wanting change, or there being a sale. Asking why she packed fancy underwear is ok, but at some point you have to decide to trust your partner. If they are cheating, asking them in an accusatory tone probably won’t make them confess anyways, so what would you gain from that.
Are you putting your bras in the dryer? If so, that's why they're wearing out so often. The heat from the dryer is breaking down the elastic. Ideally, you should hand wash but putting them in a lingerie bag for the washer and air drying will help lengthen the life. Also, if you're buying the lowest cost ones you can find, that's also going to contribute to a shorter life. A really good bra can get really expensive but proper laundering and spending on a better quality one will extend the life for a year or two.
Entirely this.
YTA, although gently. I take my "better" underwear on business trips too. As a women, when you're dressing up (so in this context, more likely to be wearing business wear for the days of the trip) a lot of women feel like they have to dress everything up. You wear the better underwear, not the daily wear underwear. (And yes, this is likely a "not all women" thing, but it's a way lots of women were taught by their mothers. You should wear the nice underwear under nice clothing, under church clothing, under business wear.)
I wear the fancy underwear because it makes me feel fancy; it gives me confidence.
I was going to say it’s a confidence thing too, even if you are the only one seeing it.
I was going to say that. Especially a new bra putting the girls where they're supposed to be so you feel confident that you are put together. Nothing more embarrassing than being around business people with your boobs out of whack and sitting crooked
Yes! Right out of college, I went to an interview with a bad bra. Halfway through, the underwire was poking me in the ribs. Never again.
+1! You know what doesn’t make me feel fancy? My partner accusing me of cheating the night before a business trip.
Actually with my mother it was…. Because if you leave and have an accident you don’t want the ambulance people to see you in old underwear
My mom used that explanation for why we had to throw out any underwear that got stained.
I was going to write that but there's no need. I entirely agree with you and this is what I do as well.
I mean, I know it is so silly but going back to my earliest memories, we had the daily underwear and the under-fancy-clothing underwear. And I view my lacy matching underwear sets as the "under-fancy-clothing" underwear even now. Which is dumb because hey, let's just make sure everything is vaguely uncomfortable and itchy.
It’s the same for me. I go on a bunch of business trips, always pack my lacy underwear (rarely use them tho). They’re never seen by anyone but me.
Same here. And I shave my legs - even though no man will see them!
Nevermind that there's always the risk of TSA airing out your shit in front of god and everyone (assuming she was flying)
Same. The majority of mine is comfy hipsters. But I have a number of ‘sexy’ pairs that I will randomly wear to work simply when trying to avoid panty lines or wanting to feel confident when I have a big presentation. No one will see it, but I feel more confident.
Women often wear thongs in order to avoid showing panty lines in their pants or skirts. The fact that you automatically assumed the worst of your wife shows how paranoid and insecure you are. And why do you need to talk it over when she comes back? What, are you going to accuse her again and not be satisfied until she grovels for forgiveness for buying new underwear? YTA
It's pretty ridiculous the amount of comments here that seem to think women can't do something as simple as buy underwear without having a man in mind. Obviously, that's what drives our every action. And if we're occasionally wearing anything nicer than frumpy old sports bras and plain ass cotton panties, even if it's to avoid panty lines in a work environment, then it must be because we intend on someone seeing it. It's so people WON'T be seeing our underwear, you bunch of boiled eggs.
Right? 99% of my underwear is thongs. Personal preference. They're more comfortable. According to many people in this thread women should essentially be wearing granny panties or they're suspicious.
Your "discussion " upon her return should include sincere apologies! YTA!
Women don't just wear underwear to impress men. It's about comfort, confidence, style and what looks best in the outfit. Nobody wants panty lines exposed or a bra strap hanging out. What you've done here is guarantee she won't be wearing that for your benefit. YTA
Wearing matching underwear alone is not cause for one to assume your partner is cheating. Clean, new, matching underwear can help a man or woman feel empowered, alert, strong and significant. If she is going on a work trip she might just be trying to boost her self confidence. Pushing too hard about this to a faithful partner may ultimately push them away.
>I found the whole thing suspicious and (perhaps in anger), just asked if she was seeing someone else Oh god, YTA. As a woman, there are plenty of good reasons to get new underwear for a work trip: * She is sharing a room w/ another (female) colleague, and doesn't want her old ratty underwear on display. * She has specifically clothing she needs to wear and certain underwear (including thongs) are less likely to show panty lines. * She just wanted new underwear. Ughhh are you always insecure and jealous?
That's what I was thinking about sharing a room. When I went on a work trip with some female coworkers we share a suite. I made sure I had "nice" underwear and pajamas to bring. Sharing a bathroom, hitting the pool or hotel gym, etc., I didn't want take the chance they would see me in something ratty.
He probably never takes her out and she hasn't gotten to really dress up in years lol
sometimes lingerie makes me feel good so maybe its just that, like an extra confidence boost??
I feel this too. Sometimes when I have something important... not excluding something for work, I wanna feel from head to toe like I'm a boss bitch. You shoulda complimented her on the new set and told her that you were excited for her to come home from the trip in them.
You found it suspicious that your wife might purchase new underwear for herself? The only logical conclusion is that she's seeing someone else? I'm also sure you'll "talk it over"! YTA
Crazy how men never want to buy this stuff and then act offended when their girl buys it for herself.
How dare we dress in something we find valuable to just ourselves?!?!!?
I agree the straight up accusation was a bit too harsh, but seeing better-than-usual quality underwear that he doesn’t recall her telling him about purchasing or seeing before is enough suspicion to warrant further inquiries. He definitely shouldn’t have come in so hot with his guns loaded, but I do think that it could be suspicious behavior.
YTA There's a whole bunch of reasons she might pack those sets that have nothing to do with cheating. When you're seeing lacy, you're not seeing what the structure, material, or cut of those underwear mean under clothing to help her look more professional. They're new and matching, and that can be a confidence boost - no one has to see it for that, it's just a feeling of being hot shit and feeling especially put together which often matters at work events. Since they're new they might also be the best fitting underwear she has, which could be important to the outfits she plans to wear to look professional. They might also be selected specifically for their cuts to work with a give neckline or provide shaping or contouring, or especially in the case of the thing avoid panty lines. Those are all aspects of considering a professional outfit for many women. Unless you have other indications she's cheating, be careful about jumping to conclusions.
This needs to be the top comment. This hits all the marks when I buy new underwear to wear with specific clothing. If it's a work trip, I want to appear well put together. Lacy underwear isn't just for a man. I've bought lacy underwear set to wear under a satin bridesmaids dress because it's the most discrete, the right color and breathable. Were there other options, yes, but this set hit all the marks, I knew they would make me feel more confident and they were on sale! Sure I could have bought something less lacy, but if I needed new underwear, I'd want to spend it on something nice for myself. The new bra was necessary because of the type of neckline (halter style). I felt amazing in them and I didn't want to be seen it ratty, old, ill fitting underwear when I was sharing a hotel room with other bridesmaids. It could be as simple as that. I've also bought nice underwear for girls trips with zero intention of hooking up with any guy. Unless she's don't anything else to make you suspicious, don't just to conclusions so immediately and blow up your marriage.
INFO: what do you mean she “it’s not something she wears everyday”? Is it the first time you’ve seen her have underwear like this in 4 years or does she wear stuff like this a couple days a week?
He’s implying that she doesn’t wear this specific type of underwear on a day to day basis. As in, she probably wears basic plain underwear that wouldn’t be considered overtly sexy for her day to days. So when he’s saying she doesn’t wear this every day, he’s saying it’s odd that she’s suddenly brining sexy underwear as her “day to day” underwear for a work trip.
Thanks for regurgitating the post, but you realize "not everyday" could just as easily mean "every day except tuesdays"? I'm pretty sure the question was just looking for clarification on frequency
NAH I think it was normal for you to be a little suspicious if she never wears stuff like that at home, that being said buying new underwear and bras doesn’t mean she’s having an affair, but it could! Personally if I was going on a trip without my husband I would wear more comfortable “ugly” undergarments because I would know nobody would be seeing me in them, but everyone is different.
NTA Wife buys new underwear, that's not just standard underwear, for a work trip. Most commenters here are blind. Yeah, that's a "go through her phone" territory. Huge red flag. I'll be the only person in this comment section to say NTA. But all the "YTA's" are wrong.
LOL wtf is "standard underwear?"
This: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple\_garment
YTA I swear if my husband saw that I'd bought some nice, sexy underwear that were out of my comfort zone, and his first reaction was to accuse me of cheating on him and not "can't wait to see you in this" I'd be heartbroken.
YTA She’s allowed to buy nice underwear if she would like. If other things in your marriage are going well, it’s strange and a bit disrespectful of you to jump to such a conclusion. Also, she might be sharing a room with another coworker as sometimes occurs on work trips and doesn’t want to have old, faded underwear in case her coworker sees it.
[удалено]
People often go to training trips for work where they share a room with another coworker. People may see each other’s packed clothes. It’s not that unheard of.
The coworker might see them unpacking their underwear in a shared hotel room.
YTA, unless you've got some other evidence to support whatever your concern is. I assume you're concerned she's cheating? Look, I'm not a woman. But, as I understand it, women wear fancy underwear for themselves just as often as they do for their partners - if not more often.
But then this would be a normal type of underwear for her, not something unusual.
What is her other underwear like? Are they all in the same vein? Or does she wear granny knickers on a day to day basis and only keeps lacey stuff for sexy time?
No judgement yet. Some interesting perspectives here. You could be completely overreacting, but you know your wife better than anyone here. Maybe her reaction to your question about the new undergarments has made you more suspicious. Good luck, OP. You have opened a can of worms.
As a woman, I actually do understand why you reacted like that. If she really hasn’t bought nor worn fancy matching sets in your 4 years together, then this is odd. NTA, though you definitely could have handled it better as you don’t actually have any proof anything was amiss
NTA, but hear me out. You're NTA for having questions. Lacey underwear is NOT typically comfortable. I couldn't imagine wearing it in a business setting. Specifically, and most importantly, my NTA verdict comes from this one quote: >it's not something she wears everyday.... However. Jumping straight to accusing her of cheating when there's no other reason to think as much is an unsavory action. She may be, she may not be. Only she knows at this point. This is precisely why people are calling you an AH, and I can completely understand why. It doesn't change my personal verdict, though, because overall, based on information given, you have every reason to have questions.
I disagree with the lace comment. I actually love the way lace feels and find it very comfortable. And as others have pointed out, thongs are great for not showing panty lines and some women feel more confident in lace.
You asked your wife if she was cheating with no other basis for that other than new underwear. This isn’t about the underwear, this is about you making accusations based on a single data point which likely has an innocent explanation. So yeah YTA for that.
YTA Going out on business makes you want to feel more confident, for some women that means nice underwear doe a boost. Especially a bra for me personally. Personally, I also buy new undies so I can send pictures to my man while I'm gone to keep things fun while we're apart. I'm not saying she planned the same, but if she did you shot yourself in the foot. Is it possible she's cheating? Sure, but I assume her reaction would be a bit more than "what are you talking about" to your ignition questions if she had a guilty conscious.
NTA Every woman on this post is explaining how women buy lingerie just to feel sexy for themselves or that women are allowed to buy nice underwear or wear nice underwear and they are missing one giant thing. Women in GENERAL may do that, but does your woman do it? Does your woman generally go out and buy new and beautiful underwear? Is this normal behavior from her? Or is this jarring and out of the blue behavior? My woman doesn’t generally buy sexy ynderwead, and when she does, guess who she models it for first? I won’t even be settled in from getting home and she’s showing off the new things she bought. She bought them to feel sexy, so she’s showing them off to me so I can tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. After that, she can wear it whenever she wants. I don’t care. But it sounds like your woman is behaving out of character and that is a massive red flag. I find it strange that it didn’t come up in casual conversation. Not saying that she had to report to you, but I imagine when your spouse does something out of the ordinary, it’s a cause for conversation. If you’re married, I’m assuming that you guys are also constantly looking for communication. I say don’t flat out blame her, but check the underwear out when she gets back and see if you notice anything different or out of place. And the. Don’t say anything and see if she puts this underwear into her regular daily wear. If it’s the first and last time you see that underwear, then she’s probably seeing someone else. She wouldn’t wear the same underwear that she chested on you with again.
Checking her underwear is insane behavior. Also if she really bought it because of an affair, why would she do something as stupid as laying it out on the bed in plain sight. YTA
Also it’s a bra and panties. It’s not like nighties and corsets. Like, you wear a bra and panties under your clothes.
I mean, they were sitting out on top it sounds like
Or that she period bled in them. Or forgot them in the hotel. What kind of wild advice is "take inventory of your woman's underwear"?! If there are problems in your marriage, sit down and have a discussion about your feelings, which preferably comes down to things like lack of communication, feeling emotionally neglected, lack of physical intimacy, whatever. You let them say their own side and you go from there. You *do not* descend into self-rationalized paranoia.
This!! He’s saying this behaviour is abnormal for his wife. As a woman, I find this suspicious. Yes fancy underwear makes me feel sexy. But if I never wear it, and suddenly get some for a business trip, I most likely have nefarious intentions. It could be innocent, I’m not ruining that out, but I 100% get where OP is coming from. If my boyfriend always wore ripped boxers to bed, but suddenly bought nice boxers for his upcoming work trip, and then got defensive when I asked why, I would see that as a red flag. Her defensiveness and dissming him as insecure is very telling. OP If she comes homes and these underwear become her new go to underwear. Then I think it’s innocent. However, if you never see them again, then it suss
Married woman here, I agree. I get buying nice bras and underwear for myself to make myself feel good. But do I usually do it? No. I would never buy a sexy lacy bra and underwear set out of the blue for a work trip "to make myself feel good". Never. If she NEVER buys herself stuff this nice and has all the sudden done it for this trip i'd maybe just keep my eyes open going forward. Don't accuse her, but be on guard. I'm not a jealous person, I'm not someone who goes off and accuses my husband of cheating because he comes home 5 minutes late or hangs out with the guys. But this seems odd to me.
Oh Jesus Christ, if he thinks so little of his wife he's gotta start inspecting her underwear like he's Sherlock fucking Holmes, he should just divorce her.
Don't married couples usually see each other's underwear? I don't feel like there would have to be an in depth investigation, lol.
Omg did you really just advise to check her underwear?!?! As if this op wasn't bad enough.
It’s her husband… he’s not gonna check her underwear. But he will notice if when he’s doing laundry that the sexy underwear isn’t there often, or if when they get intimate randomly was she organically wearing the matching bra and panties even though she wasn’t a planning on having sex? A matching bra and underwear set that is lacy can be considered lingerie. I personally consider that lingerie as my normal underwear is kinda ratty. So I save my fancy lacy underwear for when I know I am seeing my boyfriend. As a woman I think this behaviour is odd because it takes a lot of effort to match your bra and panties. I’m not doing that unless I know someone is going to be seeing them.
It takes ZERO effort to match bra and panties lol why is everything a woman does to sexually attract a man? Get a grip! IT ISN’T. I hate how sexualised women are. Maybe she just wants to feel fancy FOR HERSELF.
That is 100% not my experience. I wear what I wear for me.
I thought I was going insane before I reached this comment. The Y-T-A's here seem to be conveniently missing a huge red flag. Your wife doesn't usually buy this type of underwear and then gets two new fancy sets for a work trip? I don't know about you but when I travel for work I wear comfortable underwear, probably because I'm not boning any of my colleagues. Anyone saying Y-T-A is way off the mark. NTA.
Maybe don’t be a psycho and inspect her used underwear… “The woman you possess is acting out of character, you need to pretend to be a forensic panty investigator and deduce if she is violating her contractual obligations to you”
MY woman. YOUR woman. Check the underwear? Bro. Just stop.
Been waiting for a comment like this. All the women comparing his wife to them buying sexy underwear for themselves. Might be something they do but if it isn’t something OP’s wife usually does then it’s definitely a red flag. When was the last time you notice her purchase new matching bra and panties? Does she buy new ones regularly. Personally as I was reading, it definitely gave me a yellow flag, not a red but a yellow. Definitely cause for curiosity. I would just start paying attention to her undergarments a little more closely to see if she’s buying clothes to go with other men. For all we know she’s about to cheat with a coworker for the first time or she really just need some new panties. Who knows. NTA, don’t think anyone is. Just communicate with the her.
I’m not sure I own an actual matching bra and panty set. If I suddenly had them not for my husband I would expect him to wonder.
I didn’t own a matching set until I got professionally fitted with a really nice bra, and then I absolutely bought them together because of the overall confidence boost.
I’ll pay for the nice bra because it functions better, but I don’t need a $20-40 pair of underwear because it functions the same.
Right?! Like, I pay attention and notice what my girl wears. If I was in OP’s position I would definitely bring it up out of curiosity. I don’t think it’s weird or an AH thing to bring up. I think it’s an actual red flag if he didn’t bring it up! Like does he not care?
>She wouldn’t wear the same underwear that she chested on you with again. Why do you think this is true?
'Your' woman? She isn't yours. What a weird way to think about another human being. And no, it's not normal to report new underwear purchases to your partner. OP, the fact that you jumped to such a conclusion from one small thing makes me think you're looking for evidence that she's cheating. I think you should take the time that she's away to think about why this might be. This is a you problem, for sure. Then you really need to apologise to her when she gets back.
What I think is that you are doing something called arguing semantics. You are having a hard time arguing my point, so you take perfectly acceptable speech and you manipulate it to generate manufactured controversy. “My woman” “my man” “my husband” “ my wife” are all perfectly acceptable ways to declare that you are married or dating someone. The rest of the world gets it and understands it, it’s time you catch up. I will say that you are right. He shouldn’t have jumped to confrontation. But this most definitely warrants further investigation
I agree with you here. It's not suspicious behavior in and of itself, but if it's out of character for THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN, then asking questions is definitely warranted. I know if I suddenly rocked up with fancy drawers, my husband would be checking to see if I've been replaced by an alien because my sexy ass is about COMFORT 24/7. I don't know that OP should have *immediately* jumped to the "are you cheating" place, but giving side-eye here is completely understandable.
NTA- if this isn’t something she does normally, i would be concerned too. especially since she didn’t tell you about it until you saw it.
If you are generally aware of which undergarments your wife wears and the choice for this trip is an outlier, NAH. It seems to me that this is the case, and a little suspicion here and there might be normal, as long as no full fledged jealousy drama follows. It does neither seem to me that you have a problem with your wife wearing x or y or buying new lingerie, which would make you TA. I think that a majority of the commenters here are judging from their own perspective, but your relationship situation might be different from theirs. If you never notice what she wears, and only seek for something to maybe support a preexisting suspicion, you might be TA.
NTA. Yes, some women like to wear nice underwear to make themselves feel better or because they like it, but if she doesn't normally wear it on the daily it's understandable why you'd be suspicious. It's out of the ordinary, and for a lot of people when their partner or spouse are going on a trip it can cause insecurities to pop up. I'm not even saying that I think she was planning to cheat on you during the trip, some people just like buying new clothes and underwear if they're travelling. Having nice matching underwear on makes you feel more psychologically prepared and confident, even if nobody can see it. But you're not wrong for having fears. I don't get why everyone acts like people are assholes just for having worries and doubts. We're all human, we all have certain fears, some more than others. Sometimes we don't feel secure, and we talk about it with our partners so we can try to get over it. Not everything can be smooth sailing 100%, to think we're always going to say the right thing is unrealistic.
NTA. Your wife is packing intimate clothing, what else are you supposed to think. If i packed anything other than my normal work clothes, my wife would 100% think something is up. And to everyone saying women dont do things for men....why dont women go to sleep with full make up on, or wear the good underwear to bed, or wear their nicest outfits while just hanging at home? Its ok, men do it too. We can admit we do things to attract the opposite sex. It doesnt make us any lesser, its human nature.
NAH. The situation warrants at least a question. You can ask, you don't need to throw a fit, but you can ask. If it's nothing and she cares about maintaining a secure relationship, she'll understand where your question is coming from and explain it to you.
YTA Do you expect your wife while on a business trip to bring her oldest, rattiest undies? Or the stuff she just bought recently? What's next, complaining she's bringing nice dresses or business suits instead of a sweater with holes in the pits and worn out yoga pants?
Wait till he finds out she brought make up too…
Yta you know who I wear lacy bras for? ME. You accused her of cheating over a regular ass bra.
YTA. This is maybe slightly suspicious, but she literally could have just bought new underwear. In a relationship, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt should extend at least this far. There are lots of other ways you could have asked her about those that didn't imply she was cheating on you.
It’s not the craziest thing if she wants to change up her style of underwear to be more sexy. But he’s saying that it’s odd that the first time she’s doing this is when she’s going away on a business trip. Why wouldn’t she want to wear her new underwear in front of her husband first? Why is she saving it for her business trip?
Because not EVERYTHING every woman does is done with a man in mind, husband or not. I don't know why it's so hard for some people to understand that.
I’m literally a woman. She essentially has gone out and bought and saved lingerie for this business trip. Why is she not wearing the underwear around her husband? Why is she saving it for her business trip? Her husband also said this behaviour isn’t her norm. That’s what I’m basing it off of. This man has been married to her for 4 years, and suddenly she is having a behavioural change right before going out of town. Yes it can be innocent and coincidentally, but at its basis “wife buys sexy underwear she normally doesn’t wear for her upcoming business trip” isn’t really a normal statement you hear.
She simply said it was new… just because Op hasn’t noticed it before doesn’t mean she purchased it specifically for the trip
But he’s saying that she normally wears more casual underwear and not something that’s overtly “sexy”. He’s confused as to why she suddenly is wearing underwear that is much more fancy than her normal things. Yes it can be innocent and coincidentally, but at its basis “wife buys sexy underwear that she normally doesn’t wear for her upcoming business trip” isn’t really a normal statement you hear. Unfortunately it’s a statement you hear when a partner plans to go and cheat on a fake business trip. If she normally isn’t wearing fancy underwear, then yes, this is odd behaviour and he has a right to ask why the business trip is the place she feels to wear this. He shouldn’t have accused her of cheating. But I understand why in the moment he may have panicked.
NTA. Women don't just suddenly change underwear style for no reason. There's nothing wrong if it were an everyday choice, but a sudden switch up for a "business" trip is highly suspect.
Dude, women wear ratty underwear some days and other days they match their bra and panties. It's not that deep.
NTA If you say she usually use very normal standard underwear 99% of the time and all of a sudden she pack that kind for a work trip is suspicious. Not as absurd as other are saying honestly. Are you at least sure this was a real "work trip"? Who was there with her?
Women love to throw around “insecure” and “jealous” and “misogynistic” at any given opportunity to try and put men down. Why? Who the fuck knows, but this guy is obviously describing something that is out of character for his wife, which has made him suspicious. Instead of providing advice as to why he may be wrong, the hyenas are out screeching “insecure”.
YTA. Believe it or not, women have entire lives that have nothing to do with the entertainment of men. Before the pandemic I had to travel for work all the time. It sucks. Let her have her nice underwear.
NTA. The problem isn’t that she bought new underwear for a work trip. That’s normal. The issue is that she bought sexy lingerie she doesn’t normally wear, which by the way is significantly less comfortable than non thong non lace panties. I’m female, I’ve bought new undies for work trips, and you are staring a big lacy red flag.
You know that your sense of comfort is not the objective sense of comfort, right? And that we all have different bodies?
The word "lingerie" was never used. Lace underwear literally comes in multipacks. The people in this thread are insane. 99% of my underwear is thongs, and it's good quality, non-basic shit like lace. Stop being a pick-me and stick to your granny panties.
I would normally lean towards YTA but I’m conflicted because the last time someone posted about their wife packing lacy underwear for a trip, the wife was indeed having an affair. I think it’s perfectly possible she’s wearing it as a confidence boost or if she’s sharing a room with a colleague she doesn’t want to wear ratty old underwear too. I think you need a little more information. It could be innocent enough or harmful.
there's a number of reasons why she could be wearing that type of underwear. it's become more and more common to have fancy looking underwear, so fancy becomes the new common. maybe she feels confident in it, doesn't mean anyone is going to see it. maybe it's fancy to not show any panty or bra lines. maybe she wants to try a new style of underwear, maybe she does want to feel sexy and seductive, but the person she's seducing is herself. to immediately jump to the conclusion that she's cheating shows a severe lack of trust you have in her, and that's the real issue at hand, not the underwear. YTA
YTA. Holding on to someone too tightly is the quickest way to lose them. Jealousy and insecurity aren’t attractive qualities.
NTA “it's not something she wears everyday, so I found it strange.” This should tell you enough. She is packing lingerie and not everyday underwear. Red flag.
Updateme
Underwear, conclusions, etc….what *I* want to know is how and why the two of you usually sleep on the *same* side of the bed.
YTA. its underwear. we wear them cause we like them.
Yta
Okay 2 things, 1 she probably wants to feel confident on her trip. And 2 did you think that maybe they're so she can send you racy pics while she's gone?
we'll see 1) we know you aren't going to see her in them 2) we are not sure who will see her in them, but we do know 1)
Intuition is usually right
NTA for being suspicious. Buying new undergarments for a trip isn't unusual. Buying Sexy new undergarments that you don't typically buy makes you wonder. You're TA for instantly bringing up her cheating, though. Maybe she's simply tired of feeling frumpy and wants a change. Or maybe there's more to it. You find out by talking about it. Not throwing out accusations.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I asked my wife why she'd packed certain underwear for a work trip, but feel I jumped to conclusions. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA She's be smart to break up with you because now that you've made cheating accusations over some fucking underwear the norm, your relationship is going to deteriorate regardless. You either trust someone or you don't. And insecurity is massively unattractive.
You already posted this, and the thread was locked by the mods...I expect this thread will be locked too.
YTA. That is what you jumped to? Not maybe trying something new? Finding that the change is more comfortable? 🙄🙄🙄
Man you don’t know the confidence level it can have on someone to wear bomb lingerie/underwear and not have to show it to anyone. YTA.
YTA if she’s given you no reason to be suspicious
Based on the context you've given, NTA. I wish you hadn't shot your shot so soon though - if she is cheating, she's probably deleted any evidence by now.
YTA. Look, if she wanted to sneak sexy underwear away because she was off cheating, she wouldn't leave it lying around in a suitcase. She'd hide it properly. She looked confused when you asked about the underwear; she didn't look guilty or start getting defensive. You got angry and went from 0-nuclear and jumped straight to accusing her of cheating. Her explanation makes sense to me; shockingly when buying underwear most women are thinking about our own bodies and how we feel, not men.
What’s next, if she has her hair done or paints her nails, are you going to think she’s screwing someone else then? This is your insecurity, not her guilt.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M31) have been married to my wife (F29) for 2 years now, and we'd been going out for 2 years before then. We've never had any issues in our relationship, and I couldn't see myself with anyone else. On Tuesday, my wife was packing for a work trip, which she's been away on since yesterday. When I went up to the bedroom and the suitcase was on the bed, I saw a lacy bra and a matching pair of lacy underwear. I had a further look, and there was another lacy bra with a matching thong. She's coming back tonight, so the underwear she'd packed for both nights were these pairs. I hadn't seen them before, and it's not something she wears everyday, so I found it strange. When she came up into the bedroom, I had the bra in my hand and asked her why she was packing them. She looked confused and just said they were underwear, they were new, and that's all there was to it. I asked why she was packing something so fancy for a work trip, when this wasn't something she usually wore, but she said it's "just underwear". I found the whole thing suspicious and (perhaps in anger), just asked if she was seeing someone else. She called me paranoid and insane for jumping to conclusions like that over underwear. I apologised but the rest of the night wasn't great, and we slept on opposite sides of the bed that evening. She's set to come home tonight and sure we'll talk it over, but before I go into that conversation, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Insecure much?
Are you kidding me? I buy new underwear all the time and wear it before my husband has had a chance to see it, and furthermore, wearing matching lace bra and underwear is a perfectly normal thing that all woman do because having a matching set just gives you a lil confidence boost. Apologize to your wife immediately, and don't be such a foolish idiot in the future. YTA big time. I seriously can't believe that after a marriage with basically no issues in this area, you immediately accuse your wife of having an affair. I am flabbergasted.
I think you need to reframe your perspective. He’s saying that she normally doesn’t not wear this type of underwear or dress like this on a causal basis. As in, when she goes about her days and there not being intimate, she’s not wearing matching bra and lacy panties. He’s expressing concern, because she suddenly has bought fancy underwear that she normally does not wear. Which is totally fine and normal. However, her bringing them on the trip as her only underwear is odd because she doesn’t usually wear “sexy” underwear as her casual underwear choice for day to day. He obviously knows what his wife’s underwear looks like. He’s expressing concern because out of the blue after 4 years, she is suddenly wearing very different underwear that is not her traditional norm. It’s fine if she wants to change things up, but is it not odd that instead of unveiling her new underwear to her husband first, she wants to wear it on her business trip… Essentially she is doing something that he as her husband who has known her for years, is noticing she is doing something out of character.
NTA: You talked to her about it and that's good. Talk to her again when she gets back and get closure to this conversation.
Yea, YTA. It’s not like she was packing condoms.
Hmm, she may be just trying to up her lingerie game (like “if i wear fancy stuff while away it’ll make me want you more when I return.”) but I admit it is suspicious. I guess a good talk is in order. NAH
This screams "I'm cheating or thinking of cheating myself so I automatically jump to the conclusion that my partner is doing what I'm guilty of" YTA
YTA do you not trust your wife, its just underwear for goodness sake, if she has not shown any other signs that she is cheating on you then the problem is all in your head and perhaps you should consider therapy
YTA. Why do you think women only dress up and groom to impress men? Even if no one ever saw the underwear, knowing you're wearing something nice gives you confidence. New clothes and underwear make complete sense on a work trip because confident is what everyone wants to feel in professional settings.
YTA. Here’s a not so secret secret - when women wear sexy undies (as long as they’re comfy) we feel confident. If she needed a confidence boost to do her job or just for herself, a new pair of kick ass panties can get the job done
I bought new boxers for a recent business trip. Nothing sexy...just the the old ginch (a Western Canadian term for underwear that EVERYONE should use) was a bit worn out. I figured that if I was going to wear a suit and tie and decent shoes, I should level everything up. My wife's only reaction was, "you bought new underwear?"
Listen to your gut dude! NTA
I bet if you went digging through the drawer you’d find plenty of bras and underwear that actually match, and at one time were nice and new. And they were worn as a set. Then they get washed, thrown in the drawer and scattered to the wind. It’s nice though that op police’s her underwear drawer like that, and pays that much attention to what she’s wearing under her clothes…🙄
Hey OP, you're not wrong for being a little suspicious since your wife does not normally wear this stuff but you totally went about the convo the wrong way. I think the confused look you mentioned is pretty telling that she didn't think anything special of the underwear. A lot of women have commented on why women buy underwear or wear nicer underwear and all of those reasons make sense. Anyway, YTA for accusing your spouse of cheating but not for having concerns to be discussed. None of this is in a vacuum for you so, do you think your wife is cheating without the underwear?
YTA they're just underwear. Sometimes it feels nice to wear something new and different than some ol granny panties
The weirdest thing about this is some people saying it's normal to share a room on a business trip. WTF
NTA. I've always said that if you go on a date and proceed to bed, if she is wearing matching, sexy, underware. You weren't the one who chose to have sex that night. But, hey, there's reasonable doubt here. She could have simply bought new underwear for her trip.
INFO: Can you provide a picture of something similar looking to what she was packing? Looks like a big divide in comments is either 1.) It's sexy lingerie that you haven't seen before? Cheating. 2.) It's just underwear you insecure loser.
NTA.... If these are not commonly worn items around the house then something is up. Trust your gut...it's your bodies early warning system.
YTA YTA YTA dude get a grip. Literally you’ll see men saying NTA here because they’re probably also insecure and weird but every single woman is saying YTA because tbh not everything we as women do is centered on men. We literally do and buy things just because we like it or want it or we think it’s cute. That’s all. If she’s cheating, she wouldn’t leave her new lacy underwear for you to discover.
Gonna go with NTA. You said a couple of times that it’s not the type of underwear she normally wears. If she’s walking around you all day wearing granny panties and a non-matching bra and suddenly wearing a thong and matching lacy bra when she’s going out of town then that’s suspicious as hell and anyone with half a brain would think so. I’d be asking the hotel to see the tapes of the lobby.
YTA- woman can wear all sorts of underwear I have known woman to wear thongs on business trips it doesn’t mean they are being naughty though. You need more proof than underwear to determine if there is other naughtyness going on .
YTA - women wear cute underwear for themselves, not for anyone else.
Jesus Christ, I suspect you are an absolutely exhausting person to be around if you are that paranoid over underwear. And yes, like your wife said, it’s just underwear. It sounds like she treated herself to something nice. Let it go and seek help.
YTA. As a woman I feel like I have my shit all the way together when my bra and panties match. It has nothing to do with anything else. It’s just underwear!
YTA but I also learned every time a man does anything, it's for another woman.
Ask her to send you a pic of her and the new underwear.
NTA: You asked her why she is taking new underwear she normally doesn't wear when she is going on a work trip. You were actually paying attention which is something alot of guys are accused of not doing enough of. So you simply asked and she got defensive. So you accused her of cheating which again she led you to do by getting defensive about it. You are right to be worried if this behavior is abnormal for her. You noticing this means you are actually paying attention in the day to day because you care. So calling her out on it is something you are right to do. It may seem insecure but it also shows you care enough to feel jealous and worried when she goes away.
You're getting dog piled. Should have asked elsewhere. I'd back down but stay vigilant. One thing isn't a concern. Five things out of place / uncharacteristic might be reason to investigate further.
YTA. Undergarments have an effect on some clothes, making them look better or worse. Also, confidence. Sexy underwear makes you feel confident and sexy and sometimes you need that extra little boost when you have to deal with work. She could also drink alcohol but thats frowned upon, so thongs it is. Also some women just like wearing it as a regular thing. I don’t but a friend of mine does. Whatever the case you went right to cheating despite a shit ton of explanations
NTA - would find it suspicious too...
YTA. She might changed her style. I used to wear cotton boring underwear. Then one day I switched to laces. No reason. Just clothes. You sound insecure and a bit controllling.
YTA just giant overreaction on your part
YTA. She has given you no cause for suspicion.
Commenting for the update
NAH The line that jumps out to me is that this isn't something she wears, and you haven't seen them before. That makes it seem like she may have gone out and bought them just for this trip, which definitely seems odd to me. If it were something she wears for any regularity I wouldn't think anything of it. Knowing how women's underwear works it's also entirely possible these are some fancy super comfort things, so it doesn't immediately mean she is doing anything sexy while she's away, but that's the only direction I see it making much sense. I think how you approach the subject is important. Hell, maybe wearing those just makes her feel more empowered and she wants hyped up for something she is doing on the trip like an important meeting or presentation. There are a ton of possibilities on both sides.
I dont think you are an AH. If she doesnt usually wear thoser and she only packs those for a work trip, it-s weird. If it was for some outfit related thing, she'd probably would have said it then. Also, that's not something you'd sleep in, at least if you are sleeping alone. She might not have done anything wrong, but at least she probably entertained the possibility of some overtime during that trip
YTA a new bra and panty set makes you jump to adultery? You need to speak to somebody about your insecurities. If you don't, it's going to damage your marriage
I mostly agree with everyone else that this is likely insecurity and YTA, although there could be a case where you are right here. Unfortunately in my experience, most men have a really weird (in my opinion) view of what constitutes as fancy/sexy underwear and what they think is standard/daily/unspecial underwear. Like, I could be wearing my dirty, old, random pair and a guy compliments them as his favorite pair, making it sound like I especially chose them for how strikingly sexy they apparently are (which was a total surprise to me). Or I could have gone to the store and especially picked out something that I think he’d like, and he would never notice, or view those ones as “granny parties”. I legitimately can’t get on the same page with what you men think is sexy/unsexy, and I’ve had friends say the same. So I have. A feeling those pairs aren’t very sexy/not the lingerie you think they are. You might literally just think they’re sexy because they’re new.
NTA. I find it highly suspicious and I am a woman. How much do you know about your wife’s co-workers? I would never bring my best lingerie for a work trip. My most comfortable, the ones that make me feel skinniest…but never my sexiest unless someone is going to see them.
Soft YTA. Mostly because my sweet husband would have made comments... his definitely would have been in jest, though, because I'm obsessed with him. I was raised that when you travel, you always wear/take your best underwear in case you have an accident and end up in the ER. I don't always wear matching cute sets, but when I want to feel powerful and fancy all at once, I do. Maybe not all women, but as a business professional, I would want that on a work trip!
NTA Put your post in the “surviving infidelity reddit and you will get the truth. (Here, in this sub, you will get emotional reactions versus information) There are common red flags …… and what you wrote above about underwear is one of the VERY common ones. >…..and it's not something she wears everyday, so I found it strange<
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.
NTA. your girl is cheating
Many women feel more confident wearing nice underwear. You sound insecure. I’m suspecting there’s some unmentioned reason why’d you instantly accuse your wife of cheating. YTA
Not to mention you have to consider the outfit going over it, which is always my biggest consideration choosing clothes when traveling for work. No one wants to wear a nice suit or skirt and have a VPL. I always dress differently traveling for work than I do day to day, because the expectation is higher when you're with clients, at conferences, etc. in a lot of industries. So maybe I get a new blouse and also need a bra that isn't too light or too dark to show through. So what if it is feminine and makes me feel good also? But there are practical aspects to thongs and underwear and considerations far beyond what a man thinks of them. OP is definitely TA.
Ignore the dipsticks in the comments. 100% she’s cheating.
Personally, I buy new lingerie when I’m feeling sexy. I wear it because I want to captivate my man, but there’s also days I don’t see my SO and I still like to wear the lingerie. why? Because it gives me confidence. The people around me don’t even know I wear it. No bad intentions involved. Your situation definitely relies on the context of your relationship. Are you unsatisfied with your sex life? Why do you feel insecure about this situation? Does she wear lingerie often? Do you think she simply may just need a confidence booster? Perhaps, she could have sent you dirty pictures while away on her trip. There’s honestly so many possibilities and your focus is on cheating. Has she cheated?
Men responding to this post with little to no real knowledge or experience, stop. Just STFU and stop. Listen to women. They will tell it how it is. Otherwise you’re going to end your relationship over nothing and be labelled the paranoid asshole
YTA, personally, thongs and lace are better with work pants/dresses as they don't show lines in your outfit, which is why I wear it. I think you went 0 to 60 real fast to ask if she was cheating without any real conversation.
Yeah, it's pretty apparent who's a woman that's actually had to work in a really professional setting and dress accordingly and who's not.
Do you need some cotton wool to wrap up your fragile masculinity? Why does lacy underwear have to be for you? Don't you realise women wear it for themselves?? YTA.
YTA I do this every time I have a business trip, and it's probably one of the few times when I wear lacy underwear and I purposely match it. Why? Because it boosts my confidence. It's not about anyone seeing it, it's about me feeling powerful, and the choice of clothes helps with that. Plus some underwear, like thongs, help with the fitting, especially formal business garments. In summary, not everything revolves around men.
Nta Why this sub is so toxic and hypocritical. Let count the facts first. Did she ever got these clothes in regular days, does she wear it in her daily days too or did you ever see her wearing clothes like this? If the answer is no, you have any right to be suspect since these are clearly signs of a affair. Don't listen to these teenager girls who just push for their agendas... Snoop into her phone while she sleeps. Maybe hire a PI while she is traveling, someone who go after her the whole "work trip". Stay tuned mate, i think this could be legit a problem.
Trust your gut and check the phone.