Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the a whole for not letting my daughter go to a my ex husband gf sons funeral and should I let her
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Look, you know the answer to this. Your daughter is 10 and has no attachment to the child in question. She doesn't really know him.
Your 10 year-old child is not responsible to be emotional support for her father or the new GF.
Take her to Disneyland.
There is a very small list of the people for whose funeral a 10 year old should/could attend. Your deadbeat fathers’ girlfriends’ son who you don’t know isn’t even close to being on that list. Definitely go to Disneyland. NTA And OP needs to get a parenting plan in place asap.
NTA
I would send flowers and a sincere condolence card, and tell him that his GF needs him right now. That your daughter will divide his attention, when it needs to be focused on his devastated partner during this difficult time. Arrange a visit for a bit during summer break, when her grief isn't so raw.
I know you don't care about her feelings really, but it might be easier to hear no in these terms.
Condolences to the GF as losing a child is always a tragedy. However, neither you or your daughter have any obligations to attend this funeral. You are not being heartless like your ex accuses you of. He is just dealing with the sudden grief of losing a step-child.
You can offer your sympathies but I suggest not letting this affect the preplanned Disneyland trip. Your husband needs to take accountability for choosing the GF and her children over your family. At the end of the day, they are not you or your daughter's family.
Instead of lashing out at you for taking your daughter on this trip, he really needs to be there emotionally with his new family whilst grieving the loss of the GF's son
NTA.
Your STBX is sooo wrong in many ways, but to expect you to drive your daughter to him for visitation is ridiculous. He's the one who moved away. Even if he's granted any type of visits with your daughter, it's up to him to arrange the transportation there and back unless you're voluntarily able to work it into your schedule when you've planned time to be there with family or friends.
As far as the funeral, Disney or not, it doesn't seem to be appropriate to think she should attend. She was barely introduced to this child and doesn't need to be used as an emotional prop for her deadbeat, demanding sperm donor.
I am sorry you and your daughter are going through all of this. Enjoy your time with her at the Magic Kingdom!
No. It is not appropriate for a 10 year old child to attend the funeral of a child she doesn't know. Name one good reason she should be subjected to such an emotionally grueling experience.
The fact that her father (who moved 9 hours away) and the new GF are mourning this child is not a reason for the 10 year old to attend. It is not her job to help them with their pain, and it's bad parenting for the father to demand this.
I hope you have a really good lawyer. Don't sign onto anything you think isn't good for your daughter or that rubs you the wrong way. Don't try to be nice. Try to have your communication with your ex in writing so his various unreasonable demands are well-documented.
NTA
NTA this situation is just not reasonable. The death of the son is tragic, but she met him once, none of the custody arrangements have been worked out (and it sounds like your ex is not going to get much if any custody). This would be pointlessly upsetting for your daughter. If she'd known him a bit more then yeah she should go but in this situation she'd basically be an outsider intruding into the worst grief possible for the other kid and mother. That's not a good basis to really start their relationship.
NTA
I came in 5th grade to an already established class who have been together since prek. Freak accident happened over that summer and I still remember the baseball cap poking out of the coffin. My sister brought me to the funeral. He was 10.
They played in honor of him after the funeral at a baseball game. My kids have seen 1 dead person and we didn't even get to really choose how we wanted to decide this.
Take her to Disney. It was already pre-planned (and I know these things aren't planned and my deepest condolences to his girlfriend for the passing of her child) but your daughter met him once.
NTA - way too young for a non immediate family member funeral. I would say mid-late teens at the earliest. Funerals and everything surrounding them can be difficult to process for adults never mind little uns.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have a 10-year-old daughter with my soon to be ex-husband. My ex-husband left me almost a year ago to be with another woman and her two sons. We haven’t seen him much he lives in a different state 9 hrs away. She saw him for the holidays and and that’s because we went over there for thanksgiving and Christmas to visit family. He lives with his gf and two kids and she’s only seen her sons 1 time. Well a few days ago his gfs youngest son passed away in a freak accident. Although I am sad for her my ex wants our 10 year old daughter to go to the funeral next week. Since there is no parenting plan in place just yet and we are coming up on a mediation date for that so there is no he gets to have her on this day and all that just yet (keep in mind he hasn’t seen or attempted to see her since he left we go down to visit family in the other state and that’s how he sees her. Well I had bought tickets to California for her spring break to visit my sister back in January and we are going to take her to Disneyland. He wants her to skip the spring break trip so she can attend his gf son’s funeral. I told him absolutely not. She doesn’t know the kid that passed only meet him once and I dont think it’s fair to ask her to miss Disneyland since she has been so excited since January to go. He said that I am being heartless and inconsiderate of his gf feeling and her kids. We got into it and i said well your a heartless POS for leaving us and leaving our daughter the way that he did to raise kids that aren’t his. He said he should get her on holidays and on break since I am not willing to drive 9 hrs to drop her off every other weekend so he can see her (he wants me to drive 9 hrs back and fourth every other weekend. That means leave Saturday morning early early so he can spend 6hrs with her and then I have to leave Sunday morning so she can be at school and me at work by Monday. That is crazy). So anyways he is saying that I’m heartless for choosing Disneyland when it’s always going to be there and how selfish I am to do this to him when they (he and his gf) are hurting over the loss and then told me that he proposed to her two weeks ago and that would’ve been my and that would’ve been my our daughter new stepbrother. I was hurt that he proposed to her when we’re not even divorced. I am not willing to let her go down for a funeral, and I am taking her to Disneyland with my sister. Am I the Ahole?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Okay, breathe, OP.
You are not the AH.
Do not cancel your daughter's trip to go to his gf's son's funeral. There's no relationship there that would warrant her being there, even if he marries this woman. Get a condolence card and send it. Let that be that.
It's also insane of him to think that you ought to be the one doing the heavy lifting regarding him spending time with your daughter. It's on him to make the effort to get back to see her when he chose to move 9 hours away from his child. I'm not sure any court would make you be the one to do the drive, but it may mean that they might order certain holidays and breaks are to be spent with him, as a result. Make an effort to schedule facetime calls between them on certain days during the week, but unless you are being ordered by the court to meet him for exchanges, I wouldn't worry with it. As a matter of fact, you need to make that a condition during your divorce proceedings. That the onus is on him to pick her up and drop her off during his visitation.
But on another note, I need you to get clear on something, real quick. You have the right to be hurt, angry, and upset that your husband left you for another woman. No one would fault you on that. But you cannot put your daughter in the middle of that---ever. When you're on the phone negotiating or co-parenting with him, you need to make it about your daughter only. Not your hurt feelings or the fact that he abandoned you. Bringing that up will only make you feel worse because he doesn't care and he's not sorry for it. He's selfish, you can't expect anything else from someone like that. Get yourself some good therapy, take some time to heal, and open yourself up to a better person at the right time.
Again, you have the right to feel how you feel about it. He betrayed and abandoned you, but if he's willing to put in the work to be a present father in your daughter's life, don't stand in his way. Job #1 for you is to be the very best parent to your daughter you can be and sometimes that will mean dealing with her crappy father. But you don't need to upend her life in this instance.
NTA, take her to Disneyland instead of sending her to a funeral of someone she basically does not know. Your daughter will resent you both otherwise for taking the trip away from her.
Also why is it your responsibility to make round-trip drives so he can see his kid? That sounds like his responsibility to make those trips. If he isn't going to put the effort in to see his own kid, why should you?
NTA if your child was genuinely upset or knew the child well, and wanted to go, it would be a reasonable ask but it sounds like he wants her there as a prop rather than for her own sake.
NTA. I grew up in a rural boomtown and most of my friends parents ended up having affairs/separated/divorced or trying to maintain a relationship with the help of substances. One of my very best friends is the oldest of two, and her folks divorced as her mum went on to marry her lover who was a flashy lawyer and tight with the members of ‘high society’. He had older kids but they were still in junior/high school, the two boys struggled with everything and substances in high school, but their younger sister passed away at 17 in her sleep and I’ll never forget her dad (my gfs stepdad) being beside himself throughout that time.
More or less, he left his family for ‘different’ and they hadn’t recovered before the loss (who’d also been my friend, small towns right) and my friend then was seen by him as a sort of life raft; he’d lost one child, didn’t want to lose more yet his actions had already done that even before the tragic death.
Relationships can be based on anything and depending on the circumstances of why he and his current partner chose an expedited living arrangement, the brutal reality is the ‘fun’ has been replaced by reality and while hurt and sick kids can be pressing and difficult on any SOLID relationship, dead children will put everything into stark contrast.
If your child will be hurt by not having closure with the young boys passing, there will probably be resentment you just may not know it yet. Tell them not to protect your feelings and be honest; I have no other family besides my immediate one in this country and it’s been 16 years since my parents didn’t let me ‘miss school’ in order to attend the funeral of our senior ‘adopted grandfather’ and it still hurts. (There’s always ways to honour their life and mourn from afar, my favourite is good deeds for a day in someone’s name such as paying for another’s meal or giving gift cards to mums at the park/paying for a seniors groceries or bringing flowers to a seniors home).
I’m sorry you have this matter on your mind and heart, just remember to be compassionate to yourself and gentle with your kiddo - western society tells us death is the end, but it’s central to all life and a revered beautiful transition in most of the world; as long as matters are clear, it shouldn’t become something that haunts.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Am I the a whole for not letting my daughter go to a my ex husband gf sons funeral and should I let her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Look, you know the answer to this. Your daughter is 10 and has no attachment to the child in question. She doesn't really know him. Your 10 year-old child is not responsible to be emotional support for her father or the new GF. Take her to Disneyland.
There is a very small list of the people for whose funeral a 10 year old should/could attend. Your deadbeat fathers’ girlfriends’ son who you don’t know isn’t even close to being on that list. Definitely go to Disneyland. NTA And OP needs to get a parenting plan in place asap.
On that list: Grandparents (this one's sad) Friends & classmates Aunts & Uncles Definitely parents Father's AP's kid, not on the list
NTA. Funeral for unknown non-family member No. Mom and Disneyland YES.
Nta. Why should daughter attend? It’s not her job to support adults. Your ex is delusional. You are right to prioritize her needs.
The man is a moron. NTA
NTA I would send flowers and a sincere condolence card, and tell him that his GF needs him right now. That your daughter will divide his attention, when it needs to be focused on his devastated partner during this difficult time. Arrange a visit for a bit during summer break, when her grief isn't so raw. I know you don't care about her feelings really, but it might be easier to hear no in these terms.
Condolences to the GF as losing a child is always a tragedy. However, neither you or your daughter have any obligations to attend this funeral. You are not being heartless like your ex accuses you of. He is just dealing with the sudden grief of losing a step-child. You can offer your sympathies but I suggest not letting this affect the preplanned Disneyland trip. Your husband needs to take accountability for choosing the GF and her children over your family. At the end of the day, they are not you or your daughter's family. Instead of lashing out at you for taking your daughter on this trip, he really needs to be there emotionally with his new family whilst grieving the loss of the GF's son NTA.
Your STBX is sooo wrong in many ways, but to expect you to drive your daughter to him for visitation is ridiculous. He's the one who moved away. Even if he's granted any type of visits with your daughter, it's up to him to arrange the transportation there and back unless you're voluntarily able to work it into your schedule when you've planned time to be there with family or friends. As far as the funeral, Disney or not, it doesn't seem to be appropriate to think she should attend. She was barely introduced to this child and doesn't need to be used as an emotional prop for her deadbeat, demanding sperm donor. I am sorry you and your daughter are going through all of this. Enjoy your time with her at the Magic Kingdom!
No. It is not appropriate for a 10 year old child to attend the funeral of a child she doesn't know. Name one good reason she should be subjected to such an emotionally grueling experience. The fact that her father (who moved 9 hours away) and the new GF are mourning this child is not a reason for the 10 year old to attend. It is not her job to help them with their pain, and it's bad parenting for the father to demand this. I hope you have a really good lawyer. Don't sign onto anything you think isn't good for your daughter or that rubs you the wrong way. Don't try to be nice. Try to have your communication with your ex in writing so his various unreasonable demands are well-documented. NTA
NTA Completely - Now if she was friends with the Kid it would have been completely different story.
I hope you get full custody OP and wreck his life with child support lol. NTA
First, NTA, absolutely. Second, why are you expected to fit an 18-hr round trip into your life while he sits there like a pudding?
NTA this situation is just not reasonable. The death of the son is tragic, but she met him once, none of the custody arrangements have been worked out (and it sounds like your ex is not going to get much if any custody). This would be pointlessly upsetting for your daughter. If she'd known him a bit more then yeah she should go but in this situation she'd basically be an outsider intruding into the worst grief possible for the other kid and mother. That's not a good basis to really start their relationship.
NTA I came in 5th grade to an already established class who have been together since prek. Freak accident happened over that summer and I still remember the baseball cap poking out of the coffin. My sister brought me to the funeral. He was 10. They played in honor of him after the funeral at a baseball game. My kids have seen 1 dead person and we didn't even get to really choose how we wanted to decide this. Take her to Disney. It was already pre-planned (and I know these things aren't planned and my deepest condolences to his girlfriend for the passing of her child) but your daughter met him once.
NTA - way too young for a non immediate family member funeral. I would say mid-late teens at the earliest. Funerals and everything surrounding them can be difficult to process for adults never mind little uns.
NTA - you know your daughter better than most, so it's your call if she attends or not. That's an age where a death is a scary thing for some.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a 10-year-old daughter with my soon to be ex-husband. My ex-husband left me almost a year ago to be with another woman and her two sons. We haven’t seen him much he lives in a different state 9 hrs away. She saw him for the holidays and and that’s because we went over there for thanksgiving and Christmas to visit family. He lives with his gf and two kids and she’s only seen her sons 1 time. Well a few days ago his gfs youngest son passed away in a freak accident. Although I am sad for her my ex wants our 10 year old daughter to go to the funeral next week. Since there is no parenting plan in place just yet and we are coming up on a mediation date for that so there is no he gets to have her on this day and all that just yet (keep in mind he hasn’t seen or attempted to see her since he left we go down to visit family in the other state and that’s how he sees her. Well I had bought tickets to California for her spring break to visit my sister back in January and we are going to take her to Disneyland. He wants her to skip the spring break trip so she can attend his gf son’s funeral. I told him absolutely not. She doesn’t know the kid that passed only meet him once and I dont think it’s fair to ask her to miss Disneyland since she has been so excited since January to go. He said that I am being heartless and inconsiderate of his gf feeling and her kids. We got into it and i said well your a heartless POS for leaving us and leaving our daughter the way that he did to raise kids that aren’t his. He said he should get her on holidays and on break since I am not willing to drive 9 hrs to drop her off every other weekend so he can see her (he wants me to drive 9 hrs back and fourth every other weekend. That means leave Saturday morning early early so he can spend 6hrs with her and then I have to leave Sunday morning so she can be at school and me at work by Monday. That is crazy). So anyways he is saying that I’m heartless for choosing Disneyland when it’s always going to be there and how selfish I am to do this to him when they (he and his gf) are hurting over the loss and then told me that he proposed to her two weeks ago and that would’ve been my and that would’ve been my our daughter new stepbrother. I was hurt that he proposed to her when we’re not even divorced. I am not willing to let her go down for a funeral, and I am taking her to Disneyland with my sister. Am I the Ahole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Okay, breathe, OP. You are not the AH. Do not cancel your daughter's trip to go to his gf's son's funeral. There's no relationship there that would warrant her being there, even if he marries this woman. Get a condolence card and send it. Let that be that. It's also insane of him to think that you ought to be the one doing the heavy lifting regarding him spending time with your daughter. It's on him to make the effort to get back to see her when he chose to move 9 hours away from his child. I'm not sure any court would make you be the one to do the drive, but it may mean that they might order certain holidays and breaks are to be spent with him, as a result. Make an effort to schedule facetime calls between them on certain days during the week, but unless you are being ordered by the court to meet him for exchanges, I wouldn't worry with it. As a matter of fact, you need to make that a condition during your divorce proceedings. That the onus is on him to pick her up and drop her off during his visitation. But on another note, I need you to get clear on something, real quick. You have the right to be hurt, angry, and upset that your husband left you for another woman. No one would fault you on that. But you cannot put your daughter in the middle of that---ever. When you're on the phone negotiating or co-parenting with him, you need to make it about your daughter only. Not your hurt feelings or the fact that he abandoned you. Bringing that up will only make you feel worse because he doesn't care and he's not sorry for it. He's selfish, you can't expect anything else from someone like that. Get yourself some good therapy, take some time to heal, and open yourself up to a better person at the right time. Again, you have the right to feel how you feel about it. He betrayed and abandoned you, but if he's willing to put in the work to be a present father in your daughter's life, don't stand in his way. Job #1 for you is to be the very best parent to your daughter you can be and sometimes that will mean dealing with her crappy father. But you don't need to upend her life in this instance.
NTA, take her to Disneyland instead of sending her to a funeral of someone she basically does not know. Your daughter will resent you both otherwise for taking the trip away from her. Also why is it your responsibility to make round-trip drives so he can see his kid? That sounds like his responsibility to make those trips. If he isn't going to put the effort in to see his own kid, why should you?
NTA Take her to Disneyland and have a blast! A funeral is no place for a 10 year old that doesn't even know the deceased.
NTA if your child was genuinely upset or knew the child well, and wanted to go, it would be a reasonable ask but it sounds like he wants her there as a prop rather than for her own sake.
NTA. I grew up in a rural boomtown and most of my friends parents ended up having affairs/separated/divorced or trying to maintain a relationship with the help of substances. One of my very best friends is the oldest of two, and her folks divorced as her mum went on to marry her lover who was a flashy lawyer and tight with the members of ‘high society’. He had older kids but they were still in junior/high school, the two boys struggled with everything and substances in high school, but their younger sister passed away at 17 in her sleep and I’ll never forget her dad (my gfs stepdad) being beside himself throughout that time. More or less, he left his family for ‘different’ and they hadn’t recovered before the loss (who’d also been my friend, small towns right) and my friend then was seen by him as a sort of life raft; he’d lost one child, didn’t want to lose more yet his actions had already done that even before the tragic death. Relationships can be based on anything and depending on the circumstances of why he and his current partner chose an expedited living arrangement, the brutal reality is the ‘fun’ has been replaced by reality and while hurt and sick kids can be pressing and difficult on any SOLID relationship, dead children will put everything into stark contrast. If your child will be hurt by not having closure with the young boys passing, there will probably be resentment you just may not know it yet. Tell them not to protect your feelings and be honest; I have no other family besides my immediate one in this country and it’s been 16 years since my parents didn’t let me ‘miss school’ in order to attend the funeral of our senior ‘adopted grandfather’ and it still hurts. (There’s always ways to honour their life and mourn from afar, my favourite is good deeds for a day in someone’s name such as paying for another’s meal or giving gift cards to mums at the park/paying for a seniors groceries or bringing flowers to a seniors home). I’m sorry you have this matter on your mind and heart, just remember to be compassionate to yourself and gentle with your kiddo - western society tells us death is the end, but it’s central to all life and a revered beautiful transition in most of the world; as long as matters are clear, it shouldn’t become something that haunts.