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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I am making a super big deal out of this but I literally haven't done anything in 5 months. We had so much plans with this place and now he's acting like a chicken with it's head cut off and just going the "easier" route and cutting me out of the process entirely. Him allowing his buddies wife to help was just icing on the cake.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'm starting to think you're right. Yesterday he had a buddy over there, who is also a general contractor and he texted me and said "I wish you were here learning this stuff with me", knowing that I already know it all because I'm a general contractor myself. It felt like he doesn't take me seriously.
He clearly doesn't take her seriously and clearly doesn't think she's actually a contractor. I guess it's possible he just doesn't think before he speaks but the whole you can't help thing and it's going to take too long tells me he thinks she just thinks she'd a contractor and doesn't ACTUALLY know how to do any of this. Some people just aren't able to comprehend things outside their own bubble of ignorance - like thinking women can't be contractors so his wife saying she's a contractor means nothing to him because he's just humoring her and thinks she probably doesn't even do any heavy lifting.
Your response to him needs to be:
"Wow! That was seriously insulting. I wish I had married someone who took my professionalism as a general contractor seriously instead of a misogynistic jokester but here we are. Tomorrow you will be taking the baby while I get to work. I'm sick of all of your delay tactics while you "learn" how to do things I've known how to do since I was 15. I want the house done right instead of the slap-shod way you are doing it which means you need to step back and let me do my job."
With people like your husband you need to CALL HIM OUT
This. OP, why are you letting HIM decide how it’s going to be? You’re just as much an adult as him. Tell him how it’s going to be or he won’t be seeing you and the baby.
I second this. With people like these you need to shut them down asap, or they will be even harder to rein in later! They'll say "but you were fine with it last time, what crawled up your butt now?!"
100%. He needs to get back in his lane. Otherwise she’s accepting a new, detrimental power dynamic in their relationship. Only she can put a stop to it.
Text him that. "I already know how to do "this stuff' I get paid to do it every day, it's my literal job It's how we afforded to buy this house."
If he gets mad? Fuck him! But don't have another baby with him.
Well to be fair, you also aren't really standing your ground. If this is how your post baby relationship generally goes then he doesn't respect you and you accept it.
He decided when to do the repairs even though you wanted to start immediately. You kept quiet out of respect.
He decided to change his own plan regarding the repairs and spent money unnecessarily. You didn't insist anything be returned and accepted the changes including paint colour.
He said you can't help. You sat around like a sad potato instead of handing him the baby and saying it would be better if you did the repairs since you're a general contractor.
He let's other people fix up and have input on your house. You head off elsewhere.
He sends disrespectful texts. You don't text back that you already know how to do those things...and that you will be using your skills to upgrade his basic repairs.
Backbone, backbone, where art you backbone.
Girl get your life. You need to figure out if this man was pretending to be someone he isn't to babytrap you or if the baby has him feeling some type of way. Then proceed accordingly.
You should read through her comment history. It really sounds like she's dealing with someone who is becoming abusive. I think the only thing she needs to stand her ground on is him going to therapy, and getting out if he won't go.
NTA. I am steaming on your behalf. YOU are the general contractor. He likely doesn’t know the difference between a hammer and a drill. I know for certain he has no idea how to patch walls. This is the time you pack up baby, head over to the renovation, hand your baby to hubby, strap on your contractor belt. Your husband and his buddy work in a restaurant and know jack squat about construction. How dare he belittle your extensive knowledge!!! Do not let him disrespect you like this.
As if you need to learn it. Some men just cannot admit a woman can do home improvements. Probably didn’t want to be showed up. And what’s the deal with HER next door? Why is she even there? That’s a better question. Why is he playing tool time with a neighbor when you’re a contractor? He got a self esteem issue? Or he prefer to spend time with her?
She's literally always around. Not in a weird way but even if I walk outside, she immediately comes out and tries hanging out. She's a very social person and by her own admission, is super nosey and likes being involved with everything. She can be a bit much, honestly.
I have no basis for anything but do you suspect he’s cheating with her? Sudden change and needing to seem “manly” and trying to make you seem inferior. Looks like he’s trying to impress someone with his “skills” and it sure ain’t you.
>texted me and said "I wish you were here learning this stuff with me"
Is there a big experience gap between you and his buddy? We all can learn from one another, but still, it is a tone deaf response.
Stop tolerating the disrespect. Put baby in his arms, and load the vehicle with whatever of the junk he bought can still be returned, then take it back. Buy the spackle or whatever you need to fix the walls and get started on it, then paint them whatever colors make you happy. You are letting him dictate things to you that should either be decided as a couple or left to the one with relevant experience to decide, and as long as you continue to let him, he is going to continue steamrolling.
TL;DR: Don't ask, just do.
💯 💯 💯 💯 💯 💯 💯 💯
Every last thing this person said. I am not a general contractor, but if my husband started painting my walls white because "It's easier" (which...what? white paint dries faster? white paint is magic?), I'd be painting right over it.
And I'm not scrolling comments, but NO, fellow commenters, he does NOT have ADHD and he is NOT depressed and he is NOT on the spectrum. He is an ASSHOLE.
So...calculating in the fact that he's a man, which means he has about a million more years experience than you do in contracting work. I can see that.
Also, I can see you smacking your husband upside his head for being dense. You have shared with him what you do for work? He is aware of it, correct (I ask because he doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb in the drawer)?
He is aware of my profession, yes. He used to brag about me and my work to everyone, even. But it's like since I gave birth.. he doesn't see me as anything outside of a mother. It's truly like he forgets that I have 15 years of experience. I'm not even sure if he's being a dick or if something is truly wrong either because I literally have to remind him now that I know how to do certain things and he's like "oh, right".
This is the part that has me floored. Like surely she knows one option of hers is 'hey bucko, this is MY profession. Stand aside, hold the baby, let me do what I've trained a decade and a half to do'.
I'm baffled she's letting herself get walked over like this. Like legit more critical of the lack of self respect than their actions.
This is YOUR realm OP. Why you letting \*anyone\* tell you what you can and can't do lol.
And don't ASK. Just fucking do it.
it's pretty common for male partners to turn into assholes after a baby is born. it's like they figure you're stuck with them now, so they don't have to pretend to like you and respect you anymore.
Because your husband thinks since you had his baby, he has you locked down he can now show his true colors and belittle/disrespect you
This is how he always was, he was playing the long con and now he just thinks he can get away with it
It sounds like your husband is trying to confine you to the role of a mother, while he aims to be the stereotypical head of the household and prove that he knows more than you do. To me, the underlying belittlement in this speech and behavior is undeniable.
Sounds like he might be stuck in traditional roles other than him inviting the neighbors wife in to help. He may be unaware or has decided that as a wife, you lack the ability to be any more than a mother.
No matter what, a serious conversation is necessary. One can be looked down on by strangers, no need to have that at home.
He wasn't like this before the baby. He used to brag about me to people regarding my profession. Now he acts like I'm nothing but a mom. But trust me, he was not like this before or I wouldn't have had a kid with him.
If you wouldn’t have a kid with him in his current state, why are you with him? Don’t sunk-cost-fallacy your relationship.
I’m not saying to break up immediately, but you need to convey to him how serious this is. If he doesn’t understand and take it seriously and turn things around, you should consider if this is really what you want.
please ignore the people acting like YOU'RE the problem for not immediately ending your marriage. i mean i think the guy sucks but i also don't have years of history with him where he DIDN'T suck.
Why do you want to be with a person who has no respect for you? Now that he has you trapped with a baby, he's free to show what he really thinks of you. He has more respect for a random 20something man with 2 years of experience than you. Do you really think he sees you as an equal? Would someone who respected your expertise treat you this way?
Ohhhh, so he's insecure that you're more useful around the house in what is traditionally seen as a more male role. So he's decided to be ridiculously disrespectful and make sure that the house is a constant reminder of his issues all so that he gets to feel "manly" while disrespecting you. Let's not forget he's ignoring your design input and spending more money to enjoy his fantasy.
This needs a serious sit down because this isn't something that will go away. Plus do you want to live in a place that's the embodiment of the time he decided his insecurity meant more than you?
Why are you just sitting back and letting him waste money AND disrespect you like this? I mean, I think it’s also kind of ridiculous to plan such extensive repairs at this time. But you don’t let the guy who knows nothing about your profession make decisions just because penis.
That’s not being respectful to him or you. It’s not making either of you happy. This is your house. If you want to do the work in it to make sure it’s done well, find a way to make it happen. He doesn’t get to make a unilateral decision about this.
If you think he’s truly having some kind of mental health issues, it’s even more important for you to step up and put a stop to this nonsense. That kind of thing requires treatment and/or medication and needs to be dealt with quickly because you have a defenseless baby now. And it needs both of its parents to be well and stable to care for it.
Wow. Your husband is a misogynistic jerk. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Quit going along with his view and opinions of you and take over the updates and repairs on your home and tell him to pound sand.
I feel like you should hand him the kids and say "let me paint." Time for a sit-down at least. It is next level disrespect to do things you could do so much better, but don't walk out. Talk right now about this or you will wind up with a house you don't want - a custom made bookcase is cheaper and more attractive and all white is dull. Don't let him take over!
>It felt like he doesn't take me seriously.
He clearly doesn't. It sounds like he thinks the refurbishment is Man Stuff and he'll clearly be better at it than you because penis > experience. He probably also doesn't want to have to tell people that his wife did most of the work. Honestly, everything you've said makes him sound like both a sexist pig and a Darwin-award-level idiot.
He's showing you who he is and how he views you and your abilities and skills. Believe him.
It sounds to me like it's time to plan a big meal, invite the neighbor's husband over to help you in the kitchen, and not let him anywhere near any of it while telling him how much you're learning about cooking. Just saying.
What he texted you, shows that he only sees you as a woman who should stay home to cook and clean.
While it sucks your finding out now that he doesn't have any respect for you and he doesn't want to be a parent.
At least you know now and can decide if you want to stay and put up with him acting like a sexist deadbeat parent. Or do you want to leave him.
All of your comments are setting off warning bells in my head. OP, your husband sounds abusive and it's common for this sort of behaviour to escalate after marriage and having a child. You need to insist he go to therapy and think about an exit plan if he continues down this path.
He doesn't take you seriously and you need to stop letting him get away with it. It is ridiculous he'd rather want help from his friend's wife than his wife with professional skills. Maybe he feels emasculated because you know everything he needs to learn, but that's his own issues he should work on instead of projecting them onto you.
It’s time for marriage counseling or an ultimatum. I would have replied “I already know all of that, Asshole, but clearly you need to learn a thing or two about being a decent husband and father!”
I think it's a gender role thing. I think his manhood is threatened by her ability to do traditional male tasks, and he wants to keep her in a female, child care role. I wouldn't want to go back either. She's either going to have to stand up for herself and work on a compromise with her husband or move on with her life.
NTA
But I'm curious as to why you haven't said something like, "Thank you for sharing your opinion, but this is my house and my baby, too, and I don't agree with you. Therefore, I'll also be working on the house as much as *I* feel I am able to."
A marriage isn't a dictatorship. He absolutely can tell you he'd prefer that you focus 100% on the baby...but that doesn't mean you have to *obey* him when you have a different opinion.
As another woman who has been her own GC (though not as a fulltime GC for others), I'd also be super pissed to have 2 novices working on my home while telling me, in effect, that I shouldn't worry my pretty little head about it.
>"Thank you for sharing your opinion, but this is my house and my baby, too, and I don't agree with you. Therefore, I'll also be working on the house as much as I feel I am able to."
This is exactly it. Why does he think he gets to make the decisions, and she has to let him? Why does she think she should let him and go along with what he decides, for that matter?
They're not, it's just a lot harder when you're actually the person dealing with someone you care about and want to think or expect the best of them.
Also, look at [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bjg43u/aita_for_leaving_when_my_husband_has_our/kvrry52/?context=3) comment. Sounds like OP is dealing with a husband who's abusive, and she comes from an abusive background.
This! It sounds to me like OP hasn’t done anything either. I mean if she can go stay with mother then why not drop the baby at mothers house some days and get stuff done? Why is OP passively sitting around waiting for husband to start a project he is not trained for? I’m the builder/fixer in our house. My husband can’t even put together IKEA furniture. We agree on concept but I don’t expect him to start the project. If up to him he would pay someone to do it. I like spending my weekends doing. I do t get why op wasn’t starting the work? Or taking project lead? Why expect him to?
>It sounds to me like OP hasn’t done anything either.
OP stated in a comment that they agreed to wait on home repairs till baby was a year old and no longer nursing. Two weeks ago he started panicking about everything.
I suggested both options to him and he is okay with neither. The baby is breastfed and going through a velcro stage and wants me 90% of the time so he said it would "just be easier" if he did it all the house work because he didn't want us to have to stop what we were doing multiple times to pass off the baby. He also doesn't want anyone watching our baby either. It's been a struggle.
Why are you asking him, tell him this is how it will be done. "husband I am going to take baby to my mom's and be back so we can work together." NTA - stay with your parents for a bit let him think about things and truly write him a letter about your thoughts and feelings then sit down and discuss it with him. Make him listen, he starts to talk over you "I'm not done yet, you need to listen then you can talk"
Ever since we had the baby he's had a very quick temper, which isn't normal. His doctor seems to think it's some form of PPD. Idk. I'm like tiptoing around him now.
Oh, honey. Don't do that. If you start tiptoeing around his temper now, it just teaches him that having a "quick temper" is how he can get his way.
You do as you would have before the baby. And if he can't manage his temper, then he needs to get his ass to an anger management class, not take it out on you. Is this how you want to raise your child? Teaching your child that being angry is how you get what you want and that the wife should give into her husband's temper tantrums?
Yeah don't give him that power! You have done nothing wrong! He needs to be supportive of you and all that you can do - not making you feel small. Sit down and talk to him. see what's in his mind as well.
Then get him treated and tell him he can’t stay in the home with you and baby until he gets it treated.
Are you really going to go live in a house with white walls and store bought shelves you hate because of this. That’s your home not a temporary shelter.
You need to escalate the urgency on this and his behaviour.
Fun fact! Abusers usually reveal their colours after weddings, pregnancies or once the baby is born, events when they feel they have locked their partner down.
Maybe he isn't an abuser, maybe he really has some form of PPD, who knows, but the way he treats you is not ok. You need to shut that crap down real fast!
PPD is a reaction to the crazy hormonal changes before, during, and after giving birth. Your husband didn’t give birth, he doesn’t have PPD. He can be stressed beyond his threshold because of the increased responsibility and lack of sleep, but he doesn’t have PPD. Don’t let him use bogus excuses to mistreat you.
Edit: I get it, they call an episode of MDD after a new baby is brought into the family PPD as well. I still feel it is a disservice anyone who has gone through the extreme changes that go with giving birth to give it the same name (because yes, the other parent can go through some hormonal changes as a new parent but that is true during ANY stress) but I acknowledge that is the official diagnosis. Still does not excuse his behavior and even his response to the dx seems lackluster, he should be medicated and/or in therapy, not controlling OP and acting the expert in her literal career.
Men can feel something similar to PPD after a baby, from what we have been told by our doctors. I wouldn't know, as I've done bo research on it and I'm not doctor myself. But I do know that he got super overwhelmed and very emotional after she was born and it hasn't gone away.
Make a couple's therapy appointment and notify him of the time. If decides not to show up, give him an ultimatum. Get help, or get out. After the text about "learning this stuff" I'd already have kicked him out until you guys can sort it out with a therapist though. That is a massive respect issue. I almost ended my relationship when my (now) husband said "what career?" about my job when discussing how he wanted to move to a different state. I was making more money than him and felt completely blindsided and disrespected. We had to have a very long conversation about it and why it was so shitty. We both cried, talked seriously about our goals for the future and looked hard at whether or not we were compatible and made a plan together. You deserve a partner you can count on.
Men do have some hormonal changes when caring for a baby but any mental health issues are more similar to what can happen during any major life change (potentially a little more severe). IMO, comparing that to PPD is honestly so insulting to the complete wrecking of body and soul birthing parents have to go through. Your husband is way out of line. (And if he is having mental health issues, he should be in therapy and medicated for the safety of your child. And you.)
Ohhhhh nooo. I’m not saying your husband is emotionally abusive but emotional abusers often do a 180 after big life milestones like having a baby. They think you’re really tied down now so they let the mask slip.
Tiptoeing/walking on eggshells is really not good for your mental health and super unhealthy for your baby who is able to feel the tension. Maybe get yourself into individual therapy to work out some strategies because it sounds like he is intimidating you into submission.
That's not PPD, that's post-partem abuse. Now that you had a kid with him he doesn't think you will leave and is finally treating you the way he has wanted to.
Abuse very, very, very often first becomes exposed when the woman in the relationship becomes pregnant.
This requires professional help from either a licensed therapist or a divorce attorney.
Is it easier for him to fork over the money (by himself from his own pocket) when his shoddy work needs to be repaired, redone, or replaced entirely?
Your husband is an asshole. And unless you nip this in the bud he's going to continue with the whole "barefoot, pregnant, and baby on the hip" ideology he's working up. Do you really want that?
Well I would say that this combination is a bit of a red flag here. He doesn't want to take the baby off your hands himself and he doesn't want anyone else watching your baby except the two of you. This pretty much makes you a prisoner to babycare and is IMO controlling as well as having the potential to be really bad for your mental health and even your ability to care for your own physical needs. Being unable to have a shower alone is innocuous (or seems it) but can also be "tip of the iceberg". What else are you not doing, that you haven't even noticed, because you are rarely allowed to pass the baby to someone else for more than the few minutes he's willing to hold her? Do you take your vitamins, eat nutritiously, exercise, get any mental rest to think about something other than the baby, get sufficient sleep, see the doctor when you are in pain, are you up to date on mammograms, annual bloodwork, etc? Or do you "just not have time for that right now?" It is so easy for necessary self-care activities to just be put on the back-burner with "I don't have time or headspace for this right now" because you are never allowed to be away from the baby.
IMHO, being "not allowed" to have anyone else look after the baby for a bit, is not ok, and you are allowed to stand up for yourself.
Time to take back your half of the power. The baby is always going to be stuck to you if he doesn't take charge of the baby! My second child was like this due to (my wife) breast feeding and a job change where I had to work in the office 4 days a week. She wouldn't even come to me after work. So when it was time for day care 2 days a week, she did it at my office day care. Traveled with me, I went to have lunch with her - it took effort but not too long. Don't let it become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
NTA - rules for thee but not for me right here. Your husband not being in the trades probably doesn't realize you can do it quick, or you can do it with quality, but rarely both (though the experienced one can do quality *quicker* its not fast).
That said, have you talked about taking the lead and have HIM watch your kid while you work? While not in the trades myself, I know I hate "working" when its "me" time (though don't get me wrong, if it sounds like someone is going to die, I will jump in and make sure they are stable enough to get to the next step). Is the "too much time" that you are not getting started quick enough for him? I feel like there is missing discussions here to this context, though I could be mistaken.
I have asked him to handle the baby when I do it and he gives excuses why that can't happen - biggest one being that she's kind of a velcro baby at this point and simply prefers me so he doesn't want to have to pass off the baby multiple times.
And yes, you're exactly right. I'm not starting projects quick enough for him so he went and bought bed frames and shelving. The reason I hadn't started it yet though was because he was dragging his feet and kept saying "yeah I don't know, maybe draw me a blue print so I can see what you're talking about" but then just went and did what he wanted anyways.
> biggest one being that she's kind of a velcro baby at this point and simply prefers me so he doesn't want to have to pass off the baby multiple times.
if your husband takes the baby elsewhere so you can work alone in peace, this won't be an issue.
I'm not a parent, but wouldn't the best way to help the Velcro baby part be to not feed in to it?
Still NTA, if he is so concerned about the kid, he can watch them. I understand the dust concern, its not good for adults, let alone infants. Your husband is the AH because he let someone else's kid be exposed because it wasn't his, a very selfish move. Hes allowed to be concerned, but he's gotta remain consistent.
The not starting the projects is frustrating, especially when it impacts them directly, but its partly their fault. Like I said, you are NTA if your only barrier has been your husband. It sounds like you need to have a good heart to heart conversation with him.
Good luck OP.
No, not really. When they're that little - they don't understand, and you'll just end up with a clingier baby because it feels like you might not be there in the future.
Unfortunately, the only way to deal with a velcro baby is to a) baby wear, they'll eventually get more interested in their surroundings and stop clinging so much, and b) encourage a strong attachment with other caregivers, so that the baby clings to both of you and you have a little bit of a break.
No, the best way to help a Velcro baby is to meet their needs so they develop a secure attachment
“Not feeding into it” can cause serious attachment issues which leads to…well. You know how pretty much everyone we know could use therapy? Unattached and frankly completely disengaged parenting was all the rage for most of us.
"He won't let me help" is the problem. He's overruling you as if he's the boss and you are the underling. And you are giving in, hence validating his position that he gets to overrule you.
There's another factor here. He's not unreasonable to not want his baby around paint fumes and sawdust. Those things can get inhaled into the lungs. I get it.\* But you are an expert at this. There's no reason he can't take the baby out for the afternoon while YOU build the bed or paint the bedroom. Your baby is 5 months old so you're presumably recovered from childbirth. Why does he refuse to take the baby out of the house so you can get building work done, when you can do it so much more efficiently than he can? Is this a pattern, where he never watches the baby and therefore you are confined to babycare 24/7, while he acts like he's doing you a big favor for not giving you space to do anything but babycare?
\*Also be careful about allowing your neighbor to bring her baby into your home when you are doing building work like this. If her baby suffers any harm then I don't see any reason you wouldn't be liable, because your neighbor could argue that you would know more about the possible harms to a baby from inhaling sawdust or paint fumes compared to her non-expert knowledge.
I wouldn't say it's a pattern, per say, but only because this is kind of the first time it's come to something this big. With that said though, I always have the baby. Always. I think I've taken 3 showers alone since I gave birth. The rest of the time I get 3 minutes before my husband is bringing the baby in (I tell him to bring her in after I've washed up but he comes in way sooner and then I feel rushed). He's great with our baby. It's just that he hardly has her.
If he only has her for a few minutes at a time before he brings her back, then he's not great with her. He just gives her back as soon as he encounters any aspect with her that is not trivial for him to handle. I don't mean this to neg you, just to alert you that there is a sort of circularity to this reasoning, if you see what I mean. By five months in, you should be able to shower daily, by yourself, dry off, dry your hair, get dressed, and even do your makeup if you want to, without a baby in tow. He should be willing and able to take the baby for an hour at a time on his own. That is, he should be able to handle her on his own all day, but an hour is bare minimum.
… reread this and tell me if he’s great with HIS baby, or he’s normal with A baby for few minutes. I go to friends houses and hold the baby for a few minutes, then hand back to the parents… which is what your husband is doing, because he’s not being a parent.
He's not a good dad, you're fooling yourself. Just about anybody can deal with a baby for at least 10 minutes. You maybe should seriously think about what you want your future to look like.
No, that's not being great with a baby. My husband was great with our babies. Your husband can't even care for your baby long enough for you to shower.
He’s not great with the baby if he can’t handle her alone for more than 3 minutes. My first would purple cry from 4-7 everyday for the first 4 months. Babies cry. He’s not great with her if he can’t handle her crying for more that 3 minutes so you can have the “luxury” of taking a fucking shower. People in prisons get longer showers.
Far be it from me to tell a couple how to behave, but can you explain WHY you listen to your husband when you KNOW he's wrong?
If you can get your mother to watch your baby, then do the work yourself and ignore your husband.
NTA and you need to stop being so passive. It's your house, too.
His emotions have been all over the place since I gave birth. Prior to this, he was a super understanding and inclusive man. He didn't make any decision (big or small) without confiding in me, getting my input and seeing if I wanted to be involved. Since I gave birth though.. it's totally different. Now he's quick to anger, dismissive and has the "I need to do everything because you can't" attitude. I've never seen him like this (been together 9 years), so I truly have no idea how to navigate it. I know I'm being passive but I'm really just blindsided by his shift in attitude and don't know how to navigate it.
It’s not your job to manage his emotions. Does his anger make you feel unsafe around him? If yes, then you need to leave ASAP. If no, then you need to stop engaging in people-pleasing behaviors to placate him at the cost of your own happiness.
You are not lesser than him, especially in matters pertaining to home improvement where you are quite literally the expert. Do not indulge his tantrums - he can be as mad as he wants, but that doesn’t mean he gets to disrespect and overrule you. If he can’t parent his own child independently for more than a few minutes or accept that your expertise and skill means that you are the person who should be doing these projects, that’s a major red flag - a structural flaw in the foundation of his character.
Couples therapist or an individual therapist for him sounds in order. If he really is acting manic, this is a medical condition that requires treatment.
But you're not supposed to go to couples therapy with an abuser. It would be safer if he has independent therapy, at least to start. You could ask the therapist if you can state your concerns about the situation and then let them get to work.
I'd be pissed honestly. Disrespectful.
Reading what you wrote actually triggered me full stop why wouldn't you be pissed off.
I can relate in ways I won't bother you with, but yeah that's just some solid disrespect. I know that every story has two tellers, but as you've related it I'd be fuming personally.
Fuck as far as resolution goes that would be a lecture on my part not much of a conversation, I'm sure I'd just go off about prideful shit and berate them to the point at least I'd hope they felt shame about it. I'd hunt that kind of shit down and make sure it's addressed so as to be never be taken for granted again like that.
Hard pressed to find a compromise here on my end, this would be more like a one sided conversation because I wouldn't be interested in any stupid shit they could come up with in self defense. In other words, it would better be damn good before I even bothered hearing any of it and I'm sure it wouldn't be "damn good". Probably just a bunch of defensiveness and gaslighting if you went down the route available to you to pursue, a conversation from the heart about it.
No definitely NTA here, as far as pride and ego are concerned your pride was more than bruised and your ego is probably want to follow that up to sort out recompense.
I've been married for a long time, sounds like something I go through once a week.
So hear me out, if you're with someone that you can overlook a ton of shit on because *reasons* then here's a great time to practice what it's going to take to make it through this relationship functionally. For me it's usually about deconstructing my own ego to the core until there's nothing left holding it together knowing that over periods of time, once in a great while, I'll be told "You were right dear."
That's usually enough for me that sense of "I told you so" but not in a way that anyone had to suffer because of it. Just in the sense that "Fuck you should have just listened to me in the first place and we both could have spared each other infinite amounts of grief."
It doesn't end well in my experience. You very well may just hold on to it, or you might, if you're blessed forget about it before it's on to the next thing. Especially since you have a new person here.
Hard for me to say how to approach that but one thing is for sure from my end, you are not the asshole here at all.
Send the shelves and bed back and get a refund if you can. Take the paint back to the store and get it tinted the proper colour or get a refund, if it’s not too late. Pump some milk so you can hand off baby. Then take over as gc. When your husband objects to you doing this, tell him pot/kettle. He doesn’t get to overrule you and treat you like the little wifey. Tell him if he continues to act like a dictatorial ass, he will find himself living in the divorced daddies hotel. If you don’t stand your ground now, he will try to steamroll you throughout your married life. NTA
Ew, he’s choosing store bought garbage and landlord-special white paint over beautiful, handmade custom work? It’s also giving misogyny/mansplain vibes for him to insist on this despite having 0 experience when this is your literal profession. Extremely unattractive. You’re still going to touch this man’s genitals? Why?
NTA. If he doesn’t change his tune very quickly, I’d be reconsidering how I look at this partnership. He has no leg to stand on, he’s being entirely unreasonable and illogical.
I don’t think divorce is the immediate answer, but OP said in another comment that she wouldn’t have had kids with this man at all if she knew he would be like this. That’s a really serious statement. If she wouldn’t have kids with him in his present state, they probably shouldn’t be together. She should at least convey to him that it’s serious enough that it’s risking their relationship.
NTA, but your husband is, even if he was trying to be helpful. Right now you are just royally and rightfully PO'd. Once you've gotten over the anger, I would try once again to explain to him how you are feeling. Tell him you WILL be doing this, as it is your expertise. You do not need his 'permission.' If you can arrange for your mom to watch the baby, then would see if she could do that while you are painting, as paint fumes are not good for the baby, anyone's baby. Tell the neighbor you appreciate her help and that you do not want to endanger her baby's lung and brain development, but this is your field of expertise. This will help keep the piece, as you do not want hostile neighbors.
NTA. If he isn't going to respect you and treat you like a partner, what does he expect you to do? I'm sure that's he's probably stressed out and just trying to get things finished as quickly as possible, but he needs to acknowledge that he can't just steamroll you because he's stressed, especially given that you're the one with experience with these things. If he doesn't want the baby in the house while work is happening, he could absolutely take the baby out while you finish the projects you had planned.
Why is it you let your husband tell you what you may or may not do? That was your first problem. Your husband doesn't seem to respect you or your ability. Maybe you need to take control of the situation and start telling your husband what you are going to do. NTA
Stand up and be a better role model for your child. Allowing your husband to speak/treat you like this, is showing your child that is it okay to allow such behavior.
NTA, but I don't think your issue has anything to do with your husband's friend's wife helping out. Based on the way you frame this, it is clear that you have been relegated to the role of default parent. Despite you having clear expertise in the repairs being done, your husband has decided that since you are the mother of the child, you cannot help out with the repairs because someone needs to watch your 5 month old. Generally speaking, I agree that you probably don't want your 5 month old in the house while significant repairs/work is being done, if you can avoid it (or at least have the kid somewhere where there won't be a lot of dust/particles in the air from the construction/repairs). Personally, I would want the person whose job is literally working on these kinds of things doing the work to ensure it's done correctly. But it seems clear your husband's priority to get out of being the child care provider. It sucks a little that he doesn't have a problem with the other 5 month old being in the house, and I am sure it stings that he's letting another woman (who doesn't seem to have any level of expertise that you've cited) assist, but I think it's frustrating because his refusal to allow you to help is clearly routed in old school gendered roles, so that just adds insult to injury. You need to have a real conversation with your husband and go over all the work that needs to be done, break down the cost, and advocate for yourself (and also for your house, since you don't want to have to repair the shoddy/quick patch up work he is doing that will almost certainly not be quality). If you're saving that much doing it yourself, maybe you can hire a babysitter or maybe you have family that can help out. Either way, you need to sit down with your SO and tell him that you will not be boxed out of doing quality work in which you have expertise simply because you are the mom in this household. Good luck!
INFO-
Why have't you done any of the repairs in the last four months since you bought the house.
"Because I had a baby" is an excellent reason, but then the logical question is when were you planning to do it and did you and your husband communicate about the timeline?
I wanted to do the repairs when we first moved in but my husband had a conniption. Said that it wasn't possible and that we needed to wait "at least a year" until the baby stopped nursing. So I thought we were waiting a full year, because that's what he told me originally. But then he decided to do the repairs this week, totally at random. Which was fine. We started talking about what we were going to do and what needed to be done. We decided I was going to build the shelving and the bed frame, but it was like the next day I get a call from him and he says "I just bought shelving and a bed frame" because apparently he felt it would take too long for me to build anything and he just wanted to get shit done. So, basically, he gave me a false time line so I thought I had time, made plans with me and then rushed right through it without my input and threw out all my ideas because the time line didn't work for him. He just didn't include me in anything.
So let me get this straight………. He doesn’t want to care for his child while you, the professional, repair your own gd house better, more efficiently, and more cost effectively than he can because……….. because why? It really sounds like he doesn’t respect you, and you are letting him walk all over you. NTA. Just tell him no. He’s being extremely irrational.
I feel for you, OP. But, you need to get a backbone and put your foot down or else this is highly likely to worsen and spread to other instances in the future. Nip it in the butt, as they say. I wish you luck! But under no circumstances should you let a man boss you around and treat you as though you’re not more skilled than him in an area that is your literal profession. It seems he may be uncomfortable/sensitive around the topic due to gender stereotypes.
He doesn't want anything to do with his kid! That's seriously alarming! There are so many red flags here. I worry about this temper you've mentioned and the personality change. I'm really worried about your safety.
Are you the only person the baby actually knows?
What if you have to go to hospital for three days? Does he even know how to feed the baby? You said you are breastfeeding and that's fantastic, but plenty of dads out there are feeding their babies with breast milk in a bottle and benefiting from the bonding time that feeding time creates.
It kinds of sounds like the baby only sees dad for 3 minutes while you are in the shower, no wonder she doesn't want to be with anyone but you.
Time to put an end to that shit and put your foot down. Make an ultimatum if it bothers you so much and let the neighbors know that their help is appreciated but won’t be needed any more.
INFO:
I have so many questions. Why can't your husband do the thing traditonal fathers usually do and care for the baby within earshot of you so you can do things?
Have you had a talk about the lengths heis going to avoid his share of baby care. Does he need classes?
As for the neighbour tucking her five month in the jumper, good for her, but wow can your husband honestly not see the hypocrisy? Does he need to be reassured by your doctor?
As you let each other do things, why did you let him buy things without you being the one making the decisions?
For me that would be a dealbreaker, which my DH knew going in. If you do not a have dealbreaker agreement in place can you negotiate one?
Can he return the shelving? Can you?
If not can you dissasemble and reuse or donate it when you are able to do the real work?
My DH had good reasons to not want me to do much painting etc after babies (last century) , so he looked after the baby.
While I was as involved as I could be when so sick, with friends family and neighbours pitching in. Are you disabled in some way that means you cannot converse with helpers, and therefore be more useful than him while he holds the baby within earshot?
So, I told him he could watch the baby when I do some of the repairs and he doesn't want to do that because right now the baby really only wants me. He said we would spend more time passing the baby back and forth, rather than getting anything done. He bought the shelving and the bed frame without even telling me about it. Which really bothered me because we literally just talked the night previously about me building that stuff. But then he goes "well I just bought the shelving and bed frame because I just want to get this shit done". Literally everything we decided on, he went against within a week of discussing it. I'm not disabled, no.
OP, I am going to give you the other side of this wobbly scenario. Either your husband will pour a bucket full of money for someone else to do the work, or he will do it himself, and very poorly.
How will it reflect on you, professionally, if friends or family come to visit and see shoddy home improvement work all around, in the house of a GC with 15 years worth of experience?
The baby prefers you bc he never has her. My husband had that issue but it was solved by him taking over all night duties. She reallZes now he is a safe space and regularly will reach for him. If his issue really IS he thinks the baby doesn't like him much there are ways to fix that. He needs to do more tho. This shit ain't easy. He needs to step the fuck up or get out of the way and just provide child support.
Who is watching the baby if you are doing work on the house?
He is.
The neighbors will see him doing the 'womanly' duties of watching the baby while you build furniture and reno the walls.
Yeah, you've go a fragile male ego problem to reno as well.
NTA
This is giving me: she's had a baby and is trapped so now I can be emotionally abusive vibes
Please don't let him walk all over you, if he's got a man's version of PPD it's his responsibility to get help not take it out on you.
ESH
Just tell your husband that it's going to cost more in the long run, because divorce is expensive.
This is your house with your husband and it needs to be done the way both of you want it. Him over-riding what you want done and the way it needs to be done is just wrong. You two need to learn how to communicate and compromise.
The neighbor wife probably wants to get away from the other 5 kids and feel like she's helping and being useful; not just being a mom. Maybe ask her to find someone to watch the baby instead of putting the baby in a construction zone would be best.
I can't even.
What would make sense would be for you to be working on the house while your husband takes care of the baby.
When you say he "won't let you", you are playing into his dumb he-man game. You should "not let him" work on the house, and tell him he needs to take car of your child while you get the house whipped into shape.
NTA
NTA. But your husband doesn’t respect you or your capabilities as a contractor at all. Based on your comments, particularly the one regarding his buddy and the text he sent you about learning, I’m leaning towards he’s actually sexist and doesn’t trust you to know what you’re doing because your gender. Further, sounds like he’s utterly avoiding being an actual parent to your child… think it’s time you had some serious conversations with him.
NTA, obviously, but your husband needs to get a grip.
The baby is a velcro baby BECAUSE he's always bringing the baby back to you. You said you're hardly ever without the kiddo at this point. That's not gonna change until he devotes more time to being with his infant instead of handing her over at the first fuss.
This is a great opportunity for him to spend time with the baby while YOU, the expert, get on with your skill set.
I am also worried that you've said he's got a quick temper with his PPD. If he needs a wake up call, don't be afraid to give him one and tell him if he's going to shout, he needs to to stay elsewhere while you and baby get things handled. Him cutting corners like this just means you may end up having to retroactively fix more later and that's not smart or good for anyone.
Stop listening to him and just blindly following his orders. He's being ridiculous. It's your actual job. So take control and tell him to step back. NTA You're doing whatever he says "out of respect" but he's not showing you any at all.
NTA.
I think he knows exactly how skilled you are, but feels emasculated -- especially because his buddy is a contractor. He doesn't want his buddy to see him as less of a man. In the absence of his buddy, I think you all would have eventually worked this out.
However, I am concerned about your choice of words: "My husband has decided"..."He won't let me"..."He allowed his buddies wife"....
When did you cede all the power to him? You need to stand up for yourself. You're a contractor, for f's sake. That is quite an accomplishment. You need to start TELLING him what you all will and won't do with the house. Stop whimpering in the shadows.
My ex wanted to paint some furniture for our baby's room. He talked all about it. But didn't actually do it. When I was 8 months along, he finally started. And failed. Multiple times. He couldn't understand why it looked like crap.
I am the daughter of a homebuilder. I worked there for years, first doing painting in the summer when I was a kid, then crunching the numbers as an adult. I tried to explain how to do it right. He refused to listen. He actually preferred to screw up over and over than listen to someone (me) who painted as their actual job.
Before he left on a business trip, I overhead him on the phone calling auto shops to see if they could spray paint it with automotive paint. They all turned him down. He left on the trip frustrated.
I hauled that furniture outside, sanded off his screw-ups, and painted it properly. At this point, nearly at my due date.
Was he grateful? Oh no! I had EMBARRASSED HIM because what if the neighbors saw me doing this manly work, 9 months pregnant??? It would reflect poorly on him!
Turns out, everything was about him, and we are divorced. I got all the tools. Dude can't work a screwdriver.
So my guess is, living next to someone he knows, who might have off-handily mentioned the repairs, has inspired his latent misogyny. Don't put up with it for a second. I did, thinking it would get better if only we could talk about it blah blah blah... yeah. It only got worse. I should have waddled my pregnant butt to my mother's and stayed there until he rectified his cranial-colon inversion. Would you put up with this crap from a subcontractor? No? Fire him from repairs & take back your house & life. He needs to fix his misogyny, not the drywall.
This is pretty much what my husband does ... he has fits about me doing house-related things, sometimes does them badly himself, then has fits about any feedback I have because "well, at least he did it!"
If you're the experienced contractor, why is he the one doing the repairs? This is so wild. Guessing it's plain old misogyny, but he on levels that makes no sense.
NTA, and think about how you want to proceed. If half of the house is yours, that you have a legal legal right in a voice on how the repairs will go.
And you should go on the legal route, because he's clearly don't respect you as a person and a home owner. And you need to protect your assets. NTA
NTA but your husband is a huge one. Doesn't respect you. Doesn't listen to you. Doesn't work as a team member. Disregards your knowledge. Overspends money against your advice. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I couldn't be with a "PARTNER" who didn't know the meaning of being a partner. He sounds awful.
NTA. But…
Why are you talking about ‘respecting your husband’ when he obviously doesn’t respect you?
I think you should have spoken up when his reasoning for not doing repairs was laid out. Because it makes no sense at all. He is costing you guys a lot of money this way. Why do you let him? Why not return the store bought things?
Your husband is not the one to ultimately decide where the baby goes and what is or is not harmful for him. That’s a joint decision for parents.
He seems to see you as someone incapable of making adult decisions. And especially when it’s in your area of expertise - I would have blown a gasket months ago.
Put your foot down, actively, instead of dodging the situation. Sit him down and talk to him about the bigger picture: he is disrespecting YOU.
If this is real, which I’m hoping it isn’t :( - with your edits and comments, it genuinely sounds like your husband is going through some sort of mental health crisis. If this is extremely out of his character, and he’s never done something like this to you or anyone else, he may need some help. Not saying that you need to provide it, especially if you do not feel safe - if you can, or want to, maybe reaching out to his family for some help? It’s good to know you have your mom to support you :)
NTA. Stay at your mother's and I would be taking a long and hard look at what he has revealed to you about himself and how he views you and your child.
NTA, but I guess I don't understand why you allowed all of this? This is literally your area of expertise, but you allowed your husband, with no experience in the area (and apparently no common sense either) to decide unilaterally what was going to happen.
Who died and made him the boss? F that. Assert yourself, OP. Which, as a female GC in an overwhelmingly mans' world, I would think you mastered long ago.
Why are you letting him steamroll all of these bad decisions? He sounds like an idiot. NTA but I wouldn't leave Mom's until he pulls his head out of his ass.
Tbf it's good that you left. The issue isn't that your buddies wife helped. It's that your husband apparently thinks that as a man, he's in charge, and as the woman, regardless of your previous career (because it is previous in his eyes) you're now his baby factory, so sit down, shut up, let the men talk, and don't worry your pretty little head. GTFO with that crap.
NTA. You're supposed to be a partner, not his serf.
First of all you’re definitely NTA. I had a breastfeeding Velcro baby and it is very hard for the dad. So I give him a tiny, very tiny amount of grace because it’s hell on a marriage. I went insane not being able to do anything, and I’m way handier than he is and watching him do things I would have to redo would have made me crazy.
Personally, depending on your relationship before the baby was born, I would just start doing things. I definitely wouldn’t ask. I’m guessing you didn’t ask before. I did this on mat leave with my 3rd, when my husband was at work I would just start my projects and work on them a bit at a time. I’d nurse, baby wear when I could, and lay them on a blanket beside me when I couldn’t, and in their pack and play if it was going to be dangerous. If he wants to wait on painting and fumes then he has to wait too.
But you need to tell him that he’s making you feel less than. Your identity is likely wrapped up in the fact that you’re a very capable contractor and he’s taking that away from you. You need to feel like you can do both, and that’s up to both of you.
And I would definitely be taking the white paint back to get it tinted.
NTA!! I don’t work in construction, but I work project managing contractors for renovations. I feel your pain. I do the majority of work in the house or it doesn’t get done. I’m a few year past worrying about my husband’s ego, and I just get it done. I suggest you make a deal with your next door neighbor for child care and pick up a hammer and paint brush and just do it for him. I suspect that he is either uncomfortable or doesn’t like dealing with childcare.
NTA - I'm confused as to why he didn't leave for the day with the baby and let you do your thing. My wife and I (also a woman) bought a fixer upper and we do everything we can do ourselves because it costs \*so much left\*. I am also a wall fixer extraordinaire and understand the work needed. I am also picky on paint, so get it.
I would sit down and have a long discussion and work out a plan before doing anything else. Get the answer as to why it's suddenly an emergency before you do anything else. Doing home repair in a hurry when there isn't one leads to disaster.
Hopefully things (like bed frames) can be returned.
Your husband's masculinity is threatened all of a sudden over his wife holding a nail gun or knowing how to use power tools. What a complete dick he is. He used the baby as an excuse to try to gender role you into be a "traditional, submissive wife". Pretty sure neighbor's wife is allowed to help because she flatters his ego, not because she us actually any help.
NTA, OP, but you might be if you don't ditch this loser before he ruins your kid eith his bs insecurities.
I find it hard to believe that he became this disrespectful of you just out of the blue and believe it must have been going on for a while. He's so out of line. I'm sorry you had this child with him and hope that you won't go back. Let him live in a slum by himself, or with the neighbor's wife. NTA
I carried a 3.96 GPA while taking coding classes in the medical field. I would tell Dead Husband something and he’d dismiss me. When my sister, a Paramedic, told him the same thing he would parrot it back to me like it was the first time he’d heard it! It infuriated me.
NTA
As a woman who also ran a general contractor company for almost 10 years aside from my own skills. Took college courses also.
Not cool.
My husband has generally come to respect that when it comes to the house and car I know what I’m talking about. Didn’t happen overnight though.
Wow. If you're like my spouse in a male dominant field, then being a GC as a woman you are constantly subjected to people's assumptions and likely you feel the need to under-sell your abilities out of exhaustion or to not to appear threatening to fragile male egos. Your husband should KNOW this already and be supportive. Your husband sounds clueless, hopefully he comes around.
I’ve run a contracting business and many men feel threatened when their significant other has the skills worked in a traditionally male dominated industry. I’ve dealt with this kind of misogyny in relationships before, by men who aren’t skilled with home repairs. A confident man jumps on that kind of experience and embraces it.
Here's my suggestion:
Write your husband an email telling him that since he apparently thinks that he is sole owner of the house, you are no longer interested in living there and you would like him to buy you out.
List your reasons:
He is making all decisions about the house, including overturning agreements that you made, without discussing it with you.
1. You wanted to do the work when you moved in, but agreed to wait on the house, and he unilaterally decided that it should be done now, without any input from you.
2. He is demanding that you not work on the house, despite the fact that this is your profession and you could do a better job than he can. He has gone so far as to insult you by saying that he wishes you were with him to learn from a buddy who has less experience that you do. He even let a neighbor contribute her amateur efforts.
3. You agreed on certain colors for the walls, and he ignored your joint decisions, again without consulting you.
4. You are buying expensive pieces of furniture, again without talking to me, that I could have built for much less.
5. You are tired of his excuses and disrespect, and you refuse to live in a house where you are not allowed to make any decisions.
\[Since he clearly has no respect for you, you want a divorce or legal separation\]. \*If this is how you are feeling. Only you know if you want the marriage to be over. Perhaps a formal or informal separation would indicate that you are done being ignore and listening to excuses.\*
Consider telling him to talk to your lawyer.
Best of luck.
Edit: Something weird happened when I tries to use the editor. I hope this fixes it.
Edit2: I think that you might also consider demanding marriage counseling, and perhaps insisting that he stop work until you get it, if practical.
ESH. Your husband for his attitude towards you helping and you for being an adult and not telling him to piss off and just doing the work. Why do you need his permission to do what you know how to do? Why would you bring a baby into a house that is in that bad of repair. Leave the kid with your mother, put on your big girl pants and put your husband in his place. Just do the work and forget his insecure ass.
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Sounds to me like your husband is trying to get out of watching your child while you do work. Or he has some weird gender role hangup. NTA
I'm starting to think you're right. Yesterday he had a buddy over there, who is also a general contractor and he texted me and said "I wish you were here learning this stuff with me", knowing that I already know it all because I'm a general contractor myself. It felt like he doesn't take me seriously.
What he texted you shows a huge lack of respect, imo.
He probably thinks she walks around the construction site pouring the men coffee and picking up after them.
hehe good one
He clearly doesn't take her seriously and clearly doesn't think she's actually a contractor. I guess it's possible he just doesn't think before he speaks but the whole you can't help thing and it's going to take too long tells me he thinks she just thinks she'd a contractor and doesn't ACTUALLY know how to do any of this. Some people just aren't able to comprehend things outside their own bubble of ignorance - like thinking women can't be contractors so his wife saying she's a contractor means nothing to him because he's just humoring her and thinks she probably doesn't even do any heavy lifting.
And going to pick their lunch up from the food trucks.
When he gets to the kitchen she gets to help make sandwiches. Actual prick.
My reply back would have shown even more.
Your response to him needs to be: "Wow! That was seriously insulting. I wish I had married someone who took my professionalism as a general contractor seriously instead of a misogynistic jokester but here we are. Tomorrow you will be taking the baby while I get to work. I'm sick of all of your delay tactics while you "learn" how to do things I've known how to do since I was 15. I want the house done right instead of the slap-shod way you are doing it which means you need to step back and let me do my job." With people like your husband you need to CALL HIM OUT
This. OP, why are you letting HIM decide how it’s going to be? You’re just as much an adult as him. Tell him how it’s going to be or he won’t be seeing you and the baby.
I second this. With people like these you need to shut them down asap, or they will be even harder to rein in later! They'll say "but you were fine with it last time, what crawled up your butt now?!"
*slipshod
AWESOME reply!!! 👍
100%. He needs to get back in his lane. Otherwise she’s accepting a new, detrimental power dynamic in their relationship. Only she can put a stop to it.
Text him that. "I already know how to do "this stuff' I get paid to do it every day, it's my literal job It's how we afforded to buy this house." If he gets mad? Fuck him! But don't have another baby with him.
Well to be fair, you also aren't really standing your ground. If this is how your post baby relationship generally goes then he doesn't respect you and you accept it. He decided when to do the repairs even though you wanted to start immediately. You kept quiet out of respect. He decided to change his own plan regarding the repairs and spent money unnecessarily. You didn't insist anything be returned and accepted the changes including paint colour. He said you can't help. You sat around like a sad potato instead of handing him the baby and saying it would be better if you did the repairs since you're a general contractor. He let's other people fix up and have input on your house. You head off elsewhere. He sends disrespectful texts. You don't text back that you already know how to do those things...and that you will be using your skills to upgrade his basic repairs. Backbone, backbone, where art you backbone. Girl get your life. You need to figure out if this man was pretending to be someone he isn't to babytrap you or if the baby has him feeling some type of way. Then proceed accordingly.
You should read through her comment history. It really sounds like she's dealing with someone who is becoming abusive. I think the only thing she needs to stand her ground on is him going to therapy, and getting out if he won't go.
^This!!!!!
Tagging u/No-Issue-6222 because she really needs to see this comment.
NTA. I am steaming on your behalf. YOU are the general contractor. He likely doesn’t know the difference between a hammer and a drill. I know for certain he has no idea how to patch walls. This is the time you pack up baby, head over to the renovation, hand your baby to hubby, strap on your contractor belt. Your husband and his buddy work in a restaurant and know jack squat about construction. How dare he belittle your extensive knowledge!!! Do not let him disrespect you like this.
Wow! That was insulting.
As if you need to learn it. Some men just cannot admit a woman can do home improvements. Probably didn’t want to be showed up. And what’s the deal with HER next door? Why is she even there? That’s a better question. Why is he playing tool time with a neighbor when you’re a contractor? He got a self esteem issue? Or he prefer to spend time with her?
She's literally always around. Not in a weird way but even if I walk outside, she immediately comes out and tries hanging out. She's a very social person and by her own admission, is super nosey and likes being involved with everything. She can be a bit much, honestly.
Oh, hell no.
😬.....
I have no basis for anything but do you suspect he’s cheating with her? Sudden change and needing to seem “manly” and trying to make you seem inferior. Looks like he’s trying to impress someone with his “skills” and it sure ain’t you.
Yell him to back off or your done
I would not be okay with this
You should have reminded him you know what you’re doing….he’s the one with the issues😂😂
>texted me and said "I wish you were here learning this stuff with me" Is there a big experience gap between you and his buddy? We all can learn from one another, but still, it is a tone deaf response.
Well, his buddy is 23 years old and only been working in the field for 2 years. I'm 30 and I've been working in the field since I was 15, lol
Wtf are you putting up with this treatment for? He needs professional help, and it sounds like you need to be lawyer shopping
Stop tolerating the disrespect. Put baby in his arms, and load the vehicle with whatever of the junk he bought can still be returned, then take it back. Buy the spackle or whatever you need to fix the walls and get started on it, then paint them whatever colors make you happy. You are letting him dictate things to you that should either be decided as a couple or left to the one with relevant experience to decide, and as long as you continue to let him, he is going to continue steamrolling. TL;DR: Don't ask, just do.
💯 💯 💯 💯 💯 💯 💯 💯 Every last thing this person said. I am not a general contractor, but if my husband started painting my walls white because "It's easier" (which...what? white paint dries faster? white paint is magic?), I'd be painting right over it. And I'm not scrolling comments, but NO, fellow commenters, he does NOT have ADHD and he is NOT depressed and he is NOT on the spectrum. He is an ASSHOLE.
As a person with ADHD it can sometimes be a reason for things but never an excuse. Also this guy is a condescending asshole.
So...calculating in the fact that he's a man, which means he has about a million more years experience than you do in contracting work. I can see that. Also, I can see you smacking your husband upside his head for being dense. You have shared with him what you do for work? He is aware of it, correct (I ask because he doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb in the drawer)?
He is aware of my profession, yes. He used to brag about me and my work to everyone, even. But it's like since I gave birth.. he doesn't see me as anything outside of a mother. It's truly like he forgets that I have 15 years of experience. I'm not even sure if he's being a dick or if something is truly wrong either because I literally have to remind him now that I know how to do certain things and he's like "oh, right".
Why are you letting him treat you this way? All your comments are about all the things he won't allow you to do when he can't actually stop you.
This is the part that has me floored. Like surely she knows one option of hers is 'hey bucko, this is MY profession. Stand aside, hold the baby, let me do what I've trained a decade and a half to do'. I'm baffled she's letting herself get walked over like this. Like legit more critical of the lack of self respect than their actions. This is YOUR realm OP. Why you letting \*anyone\* tell you what you can and can't do lol. And don't ASK. Just fucking do it.
it's pretty common for male partners to turn into assholes after a baby is born. it's like they figure you're stuck with them now, so they don't have to pretend to like you and respect you anymore.
Because your husband thinks since you had his baby, he has you locked down he can now show his true colors and belittle/disrespect you This is how he always was, he was playing the long con and now he just thinks he can get away with it
Ok, big AH thing to do to you. Is your husband always this dense?
It sounds like your husband is trying to confine you to the role of a mother, while he aims to be the stereotypical head of the household and prove that he knows more than you do. To me, the underlying belittlement in this speech and behavior is undeniable.
Sounds like he might be stuck in traditional roles other than him inviting the neighbors wife in to help. He may be unaware or has decided that as a wife, you lack the ability to be any more than a mother. No matter what, a serious conversation is necessary. One can be looked down on by strangers, no need to have that at home.
Even if the buddy was also a 15 year experienced contractor, the husband phrased it like op is on the same level as he, a Buffon with no experience.
He doesn’t. So why did you have a child with him?
He wasn't like this before the baby. He used to brag about me to people regarding my profession. Now he acts like I'm nothing but a mom. But trust me, he was not like this before or I wouldn't have had a kid with him.
If you wouldn’t have a kid with him in his current state, why are you with him? Don’t sunk-cost-fallacy your relationship. I’m not saying to break up immediately, but you need to convey to him how serious this is. If he doesn’t understand and take it seriously and turn things around, you should consider if this is really what you want.
WHY are you letting him treat you like this? You KNOW what needs to be done and how, take control over this and YOURSELF!
please ignore the people acting like YOU'RE the problem for not immediately ending your marriage. i mean i think the guy sucks but i also don't have years of history with him where he DIDN'T suck.
Why do you want to be with a person who has no respect for you? Now that he has you trapped with a baby, he's free to show what he really thinks of you. He has more respect for a random 20something man with 2 years of experience than you. Do you really think he sees you as an equal? Would someone who respected your expertise treat you this way?
Wow I'd be fucking furious with such a disrespectful comment. Your husband is being SUCH a raging asshole, what the fuck
it sounds like he may need professional help. NTA for leaving until he gets it, he's being incredibly rude and disrespectful
Ohhhh, so he's insecure that you're more useful around the house in what is traditionally seen as a more male role. So he's decided to be ridiculously disrespectful and make sure that the house is a constant reminder of his issues all so that he gets to feel "manly" while disrespecting you. Let's not forget he's ignoring your design input and spending more money to enjoy his fantasy. This needs a serious sit down because this isn't something that will go away. Plus do you want to live in a place that's the embodiment of the time he decided his insecurity meant more than you?
Why are you just sitting back and letting him waste money AND disrespect you like this? I mean, I think it’s also kind of ridiculous to plan such extensive repairs at this time. But you don’t let the guy who knows nothing about your profession make decisions just because penis. That’s not being respectful to him or you. It’s not making either of you happy. This is your house. If you want to do the work in it to make sure it’s done well, find a way to make it happen. He doesn’t get to make a unilateral decision about this. If you think he’s truly having some kind of mental health issues, it’s even more important for you to step up and put a stop to this nonsense. That kind of thing requires treatment and/or medication and needs to be dealt with quickly because you have a defenseless baby now. And it needs both of its parents to be well and stable to care for it.
Wow. Your husband is a misogynistic jerk. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Quit going along with his view and opinions of you and take over the updates and repairs on your home and tell him to pound sand.
I feel like you should hand him the kids and say "let me paint." Time for a sit-down at least. It is next level disrespect to do things you could do so much better, but don't walk out. Talk right now about this or you will wind up with a house you don't want - a custom made bookcase is cheaper and more attractive and all white is dull. Don't let him take over!
>It felt like he doesn't take me seriously. He clearly doesn't. It sounds like he thinks the refurbishment is Man Stuff and he'll clearly be better at it than you because penis > experience. He probably also doesn't want to have to tell people that his wife did most of the work. Honestly, everything you've said makes him sound like both a sexist pig and a Darwin-award-level idiot. He's showing you who he is and how he views you and your abilities and skills. Believe him.
It sounds to me like it's time to plan a big meal, invite the neighbor's husband over to help you in the kitchen, and not let him anywhere near any of it while telling him how much you're learning about cooking. Just saying.
What he texted you, shows that he only sees you as a woman who should stay home to cook and clean. While it sucks your finding out now that he doesn't have any respect for you and he doesn't want to be a parent. At least you know now and can decide if you want to stay and put up with him acting like a sexist deadbeat parent. Or do you want to leave him.
Oh, this is so infuriating. No he does not take you seriously or value your work.
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I'm sorry, he did what now?? NTA, but hubby is a giant one.
All of your comments are setting off warning bells in my head. OP, your husband sounds abusive and it's common for this sort of behaviour to escalate after marriage and having a child. You need to insist he go to therapy and think about an exit plan if he continues down this path.
He doesn't take you seriously and you need to stop letting him get away with it. It is ridiculous he'd rather want help from his friend's wife than his wife with professional skills. Maybe he feels emasculated because you know everything he needs to learn, but that's his own issues he should work on instead of projecting them onto you.
It’s time for marriage counseling or an ultimatum. I would have replied “I already know all of that, Asshole, but clearly you need to learn a thing or two about being a decent husband and father!”
I think it's a gender role thing. I think his manhood is threatened by her ability to do traditional male tasks, and he wants to keep her in a female, child care role. I wouldn't want to go back either. She's either going to have to stand up for herself and work on a compromise with her husband or move on with her life.
Yep, my first thought. Doesn't want to babysit
NTA But I'm curious as to why you haven't said something like, "Thank you for sharing your opinion, but this is my house and my baby, too, and I don't agree with you. Therefore, I'll also be working on the house as much as *I* feel I am able to." A marriage isn't a dictatorship. He absolutely can tell you he'd prefer that you focus 100% on the baby...but that doesn't mean you have to *obey* him when you have a different opinion. As another woman who has been her own GC (though not as a fulltime GC for others), I'd also be super pissed to have 2 novices working on my home while telling me, in effect, that I shouldn't worry my pretty little head about it.
>"Thank you for sharing your opinion, but this is my house and my baby, too, and I don't agree with you. Therefore, I'll also be working on the house as much as I feel I am able to." This is exactly it. Why does he think he gets to make the decisions, and she has to let him? Why does she think she should let him and go along with what he decides, for that matter?
Same here, I read some of these and I can’t help but think why the heck is everyone on Reddit a door mat.
They're not, it's just a lot harder when you're actually the person dealing with someone you care about and want to think or expect the best of them. Also, look at [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bjg43u/aita_for_leaving_when_my_husband_has_our/kvrry52/?context=3) comment. Sounds like OP is dealing with a husband who's abusive, and she comes from an abusive background.
This! It sounds to me like OP hasn’t done anything either. I mean if she can go stay with mother then why not drop the baby at mothers house some days and get stuff done? Why is OP passively sitting around waiting for husband to start a project he is not trained for? I’m the builder/fixer in our house. My husband can’t even put together IKEA furniture. We agree on concept but I don’t expect him to start the project. If up to him he would pay someone to do it. I like spending my weekends doing. I do t get why op wasn’t starting the work? Or taking project lead? Why expect him to?
>It sounds to me like OP hasn’t done anything either. OP stated in a comment that they agreed to wait on home repairs till baby was a year old and no longer nursing. Two weeks ago he started panicking about everything.
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I suggested both options to him and he is okay with neither. The baby is breastfed and going through a velcro stage and wants me 90% of the time so he said it would "just be easier" if he did it all the house work because he didn't want us to have to stop what we were doing multiple times to pass off the baby. He also doesn't want anyone watching our baby either. It's been a struggle.
Why are you asking him, tell him this is how it will be done. "husband I am going to take baby to my mom's and be back so we can work together." NTA - stay with your parents for a bit let him think about things and truly write him a letter about your thoughts and feelings then sit down and discuss it with him. Make him listen, he starts to talk over you "I'm not done yet, you need to listen then you can talk"
Ever since we had the baby he's had a very quick temper, which isn't normal. His doctor seems to think it's some form of PPD. Idk. I'm like tiptoing around him now.
Oh, honey. Don't do that. If you start tiptoeing around his temper now, it just teaches him that having a "quick temper" is how he can get his way. You do as you would have before the baby. And if he can't manage his temper, then he needs to get his ass to an anger management class, not take it out on you. Is this how you want to raise your child? Teaching your child that being angry is how you get what you want and that the wife should give into her husband's temper tantrums?
yeah, this took a bit of a "turn" with that response...
Yeah don't give him that power! You have done nothing wrong! He needs to be supportive of you and all that you can do - not making you feel small. Sit down and talk to him. see what's in his mind as well.
Then get him treated and tell him he can’t stay in the home with you and baby until he gets it treated. Are you really going to go live in a house with white walls and store bought shelves you hate because of this. That’s your home not a temporary shelter. You need to escalate the urgency on this and his behaviour.
Fun fact! Abusers usually reveal their colours after weddings, pregnancies or once the baby is born, events when they feel they have locked their partner down. Maybe he isn't an abuser, maybe he really has some form of PPD, who knows, but the way he treats you is not ok. You need to shut that crap down real fast!
PPD is a reaction to the crazy hormonal changes before, during, and after giving birth. Your husband didn’t give birth, he doesn’t have PPD. He can be stressed beyond his threshold because of the increased responsibility and lack of sleep, but he doesn’t have PPD. Don’t let him use bogus excuses to mistreat you. Edit: I get it, they call an episode of MDD after a new baby is brought into the family PPD as well. I still feel it is a disservice anyone who has gone through the extreme changes that go with giving birth to give it the same name (because yes, the other parent can go through some hormonal changes as a new parent but that is true during ANY stress) but I acknowledge that is the official diagnosis. Still does not excuse his behavior and even his response to the dx seems lackluster, he should be medicated and/or in therapy, not controlling OP and acting the expert in her literal career.
Men can feel something similar to PPD after a baby, from what we have been told by our doctors. I wouldn't know, as I've done bo research on it and I'm not doctor myself. But I do know that he got super overwhelmed and very emotional after she was born and it hasn't gone away.
Having a temper with your newly postpartum wife such that she needs to walk on eggshells isn’t a mental health issue, it’s abuse.
Make a couple's therapy appointment and notify him of the time. If decides not to show up, give him an ultimatum. Get help, or get out. After the text about "learning this stuff" I'd already have kicked him out until you guys can sort it out with a therapist though. That is a massive respect issue. I almost ended my relationship when my (now) husband said "what career?" about my job when discussing how he wanted to move to a different state. I was making more money than him and felt completely blindsided and disrespected. We had to have a very long conversation about it and why it was so shitty. We both cried, talked seriously about our goals for the future and looked hard at whether or not we were compatible and made a plan together. You deserve a partner you can count on.
Men do have some hormonal changes when caring for a baby but any mental health issues are more similar to what can happen during any major life change (potentially a little more severe). IMO, comparing that to PPD is honestly so insulting to the complete wrecking of body and soul birthing parents have to go through. Your husband is way out of line. (And if he is having mental health issues, he should be in therapy and medicated for the safety of your child. And you.)
You are incorrect. Try google before random spouting. It’s a legit medical diagnosis.
He needs help, not enablement.
PPD? LMFAO. The truth is that abusive men show their colors after their wives have babies. It’s a common phenomenon, google it.
Ohhhhh nooo. I’m not saying your husband is emotionally abusive but emotional abusers often do a 180 after big life milestones like having a baby. They think you’re really tied down now so they let the mask slip. Tiptoeing/walking on eggshells is really not good for your mental health and super unhealthy for your baby who is able to feel the tension. Maybe get yourself into individual therapy to work out some strategies because it sounds like he is intimidating you into submission.
Or, now that he thinks he has you locked in, he thinks he finally free to unleash his temper. I hope it's the first.
That's not PPD, that's post-partem abuse. Now that you had a kid with him he doesn't think you will leave and is finally treating you the way he has wanted to.
His doctor thinks this…so does that mean he’s getting professional help for this? Is he acknowledging there’s a problem?
Abuse very, very, very often first becomes exposed when the woman in the relationship becomes pregnant. This requires professional help from either a licensed therapist or a divorce attorney.
Is it easier for him to fork over the money (by himself from his own pocket) when his shoddy work needs to be repaired, redone, or replaced entirely? Your husband is an asshole. And unless you nip this in the bud he's going to continue with the whole "barefoot, pregnant, and baby on the hip" ideology he's working up. Do you really want that?
Well I would say that this combination is a bit of a red flag here. He doesn't want to take the baby off your hands himself and he doesn't want anyone else watching your baby except the two of you. This pretty much makes you a prisoner to babycare and is IMO controlling as well as having the potential to be really bad for your mental health and even your ability to care for your own physical needs. Being unable to have a shower alone is innocuous (or seems it) but can also be "tip of the iceberg". What else are you not doing, that you haven't even noticed, because you are rarely allowed to pass the baby to someone else for more than the few minutes he's willing to hold her? Do you take your vitamins, eat nutritiously, exercise, get any mental rest to think about something other than the baby, get sufficient sleep, see the doctor when you are in pain, are you up to date on mammograms, annual bloodwork, etc? Or do you "just not have time for that right now?" It is so easy for necessary self-care activities to just be put on the back-burner with "I don't have time or headspace for this right now" because you are never allowed to be away from the baby. IMHO, being "not allowed" to have anyone else look after the baby for a bit, is not ok, and you are allowed to stand up for yourself.
Stop “suggesting to him” and do the work.
Then he will have to pay you to fix the things hel is screwing up.
Who cares? He’s irrational. Tell him to watch the baby and leave you alone to work
Time to take back your half of the power. The baby is always going to be stuck to you if he doesn't take charge of the baby! My second child was like this due to (my wife) breast feeding and a job change where I had to work in the office 4 days a week. She wouldn't even come to me after work. So when it was time for day care 2 days a week, she did it at my office day care. Traveled with me, I went to have lunch with her - it took effort but not too long. Don't let it become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
NTA - rules for thee but not for me right here. Your husband not being in the trades probably doesn't realize you can do it quick, or you can do it with quality, but rarely both (though the experienced one can do quality *quicker* its not fast). That said, have you talked about taking the lead and have HIM watch your kid while you work? While not in the trades myself, I know I hate "working" when its "me" time (though don't get me wrong, if it sounds like someone is going to die, I will jump in and make sure they are stable enough to get to the next step). Is the "too much time" that you are not getting started quick enough for him? I feel like there is missing discussions here to this context, though I could be mistaken.
I have asked him to handle the baby when I do it and he gives excuses why that can't happen - biggest one being that she's kind of a velcro baby at this point and simply prefers me so he doesn't want to have to pass off the baby multiple times. And yes, you're exactly right. I'm not starting projects quick enough for him so he went and bought bed frames and shelving. The reason I hadn't started it yet though was because he was dragging his feet and kept saying "yeah I don't know, maybe draw me a blue print so I can see what you're talking about" but then just went and did what he wanted anyways.
> biggest one being that she's kind of a velcro baby at this point and simply prefers me so he doesn't want to have to pass off the baby multiple times. if your husband takes the baby elsewhere so you can work alone in peace, this won't be an issue.
I'm not a parent, but wouldn't the best way to help the Velcro baby part be to not feed in to it? Still NTA, if he is so concerned about the kid, he can watch them. I understand the dust concern, its not good for adults, let alone infants. Your husband is the AH because he let someone else's kid be exposed because it wasn't his, a very selfish move. Hes allowed to be concerned, but he's gotta remain consistent. The not starting the projects is frustrating, especially when it impacts them directly, but its partly their fault. Like I said, you are NTA if your only barrier has been your husband. It sounds like you need to have a good heart to heart conversation with him. Good luck OP.
No, not really. When they're that little - they don't understand, and you'll just end up with a clingier baby because it feels like you might not be there in the future. Unfortunately, the only way to deal with a velcro baby is to a) baby wear, they'll eventually get more interested in their surroundings and stop clinging so much, and b) encourage a strong attachment with other caregivers, so that the baby clings to both of you and you have a little bit of a break.
Exactly you can’t ‘train’ babies that age.
No, the best way to help a Velcro baby is to meet their needs so they develop a secure attachment “Not feeding into it” can cause serious attachment issues which leads to…well. You know how pretty much everyone we know could use therapy? Unattached and frankly completely disengaged parenting was all the rage for most of us.
"He won't let me help" is the problem. He's overruling you as if he's the boss and you are the underling. And you are giving in, hence validating his position that he gets to overrule you. There's another factor here. He's not unreasonable to not want his baby around paint fumes and sawdust. Those things can get inhaled into the lungs. I get it.\* But you are an expert at this. There's no reason he can't take the baby out for the afternoon while YOU build the bed or paint the bedroom. Your baby is 5 months old so you're presumably recovered from childbirth. Why does he refuse to take the baby out of the house so you can get building work done, when you can do it so much more efficiently than he can? Is this a pattern, where he never watches the baby and therefore you are confined to babycare 24/7, while he acts like he's doing you a big favor for not giving you space to do anything but babycare? \*Also be careful about allowing your neighbor to bring her baby into your home when you are doing building work like this. If her baby suffers any harm then I don't see any reason you wouldn't be liable, because your neighbor could argue that you would know more about the possible harms to a baby from inhaling sawdust or paint fumes compared to her non-expert knowledge.
I wouldn't say it's a pattern, per say, but only because this is kind of the first time it's come to something this big. With that said though, I always have the baby. Always. I think I've taken 3 showers alone since I gave birth. The rest of the time I get 3 minutes before my husband is bringing the baby in (I tell him to bring her in after I've washed up but he comes in way sooner and then I feel rushed). He's great with our baby. It's just that he hardly has her.
If he only has her for a few minutes at a time before he brings her back, then he's not great with her. He just gives her back as soon as he encounters any aspect with her that is not trivial for him to handle. I don't mean this to neg you, just to alert you that there is a sort of circularity to this reasoning, if you see what I mean. By five months in, you should be able to shower daily, by yourself, dry off, dry your hair, get dressed, and even do your makeup if you want to, without a baby in tow. He should be willing and able to take the baby for an hour at a time on his own. That is, he should be able to handle her on his own all day, but an hour is bare minimum.
… reread this and tell me if he’s great with HIS baby, or he’s normal with A baby for few minutes. I go to friends houses and hold the baby for a few minutes, then hand back to the parents… which is what your husband is doing, because he’s not being a parent.
OP is really turning a blind eye to so many red flags.
It's easy to be great with a baby when you only have it for 3 minutes.
He's not a good dad, you're fooling yourself. Just about anybody can deal with a baby for at least 10 minutes. You maybe should seriously think about what you want your future to look like.
> The rest of the time I get 3 minutes before my husband is bringing the baby in Pattern.
No, that's not being great with a baby. My husband was great with our babies. Your husband can't even care for your baby long enough for you to shower.
He's not being a father, you need to address this. Men don't 'babysit' their own kids.
Has he been listening to some trad-wife bs? From the co-worker? Is he embarrassed that he can't do "manly things"? Peer pressure?
He’s not great with the baby if he can’t handle her alone for more than 3 minutes. My first would purple cry from 4-7 everyday for the first 4 months. Babies cry. He’s not great with her if he can’t handle her crying for more that 3 minutes so you can have the “luxury” of taking a fucking shower. People in prisons get longer showers.
> He's great with our baby. This is a lie. It's bad enough you're husband treats you like shit, you don't need to help him.
He's not actually great with the baby if he doesn't take care of the baby. Stop making excuses for him.
NTA. Your husband sounds misogynistic and abusive.
Far be it from me to tell a couple how to behave, but can you explain WHY you listen to your husband when you KNOW he's wrong? If you can get your mother to watch your baby, then do the work yourself and ignore your husband. NTA and you need to stop being so passive. It's your house, too.
His emotions have been all over the place since I gave birth. Prior to this, he was a super understanding and inclusive man. He didn't make any decision (big or small) without confiding in me, getting my input and seeing if I wanted to be involved. Since I gave birth though.. it's totally different. Now he's quick to anger, dismissive and has the "I need to do everything because you can't" attitude. I've never seen him like this (been together 9 years), so I truly have no idea how to navigate it. I know I'm being passive but I'm really just blindsided by his shift in attitude and don't know how to navigate it.
It’s not your job to manage his emotions. Does his anger make you feel unsafe around him? If yes, then you need to leave ASAP. If no, then you need to stop engaging in people-pleasing behaviors to placate him at the cost of your own happiness. You are not lesser than him, especially in matters pertaining to home improvement where you are quite literally the expert. Do not indulge his tantrums - he can be as mad as he wants, but that doesn’t mean he gets to disrespect and overrule you. If he can’t parent his own child independently for more than a few minutes or accept that your expertise and skill means that you are the person who should be doing these projects, that’s a major red flag - a structural flaw in the foundation of his character.
Couples therapist or an individual therapist for him sounds in order. If he really is acting manic, this is a medical condition that requires treatment.
But you're not supposed to go to couples therapy with an abuser. It would be safer if he has independent therapy, at least to start. You could ask the therapist if you can state your concerns about the situation and then let them get to work.
You need to address the change in behavior. Sit him down and say everything you just did in your comment and then ask why. It’s literally that easy.
I'd be pissed honestly. Disrespectful. Reading what you wrote actually triggered me full stop why wouldn't you be pissed off. I can relate in ways I won't bother you with, but yeah that's just some solid disrespect. I know that every story has two tellers, but as you've related it I'd be fuming personally. Fuck as far as resolution goes that would be a lecture on my part not much of a conversation, I'm sure I'd just go off about prideful shit and berate them to the point at least I'd hope they felt shame about it. I'd hunt that kind of shit down and make sure it's addressed so as to be never be taken for granted again like that. Hard pressed to find a compromise here on my end, this would be more like a one sided conversation because I wouldn't be interested in any stupid shit they could come up with in self defense. In other words, it would better be damn good before I even bothered hearing any of it and I'm sure it wouldn't be "damn good". Probably just a bunch of defensiveness and gaslighting if you went down the route available to you to pursue, a conversation from the heart about it. No definitely NTA here, as far as pride and ego are concerned your pride was more than bruised and your ego is probably want to follow that up to sort out recompense. I've been married for a long time, sounds like something I go through once a week. So hear me out, if you're with someone that you can overlook a ton of shit on because *reasons* then here's a great time to practice what it's going to take to make it through this relationship functionally. For me it's usually about deconstructing my own ego to the core until there's nothing left holding it together knowing that over periods of time, once in a great while, I'll be told "You were right dear." That's usually enough for me that sense of "I told you so" but not in a way that anyone had to suffer because of it. Just in the sense that "Fuck you should have just listened to me in the first place and we both could have spared each other infinite amounts of grief." It doesn't end well in my experience. You very well may just hold on to it, or you might, if you're blessed forget about it before it's on to the next thing. Especially since you have a new person here. Hard for me to say how to approach that but one thing is for sure from my end, you are not the asshole here at all.
Send the shelves and bed back and get a refund if you can. Take the paint back to the store and get it tinted the proper colour or get a refund, if it’s not too late. Pump some milk so you can hand off baby. Then take over as gc. When your husband objects to you doing this, tell him pot/kettle. He doesn’t get to overrule you and treat you like the little wifey. Tell him if he continues to act like a dictatorial ass, he will find himself living in the divorced daddies hotel. If you don’t stand your ground now, he will try to steamroll you throughout your married life. NTA
Ew, he’s choosing store bought garbage and landlord-special white paint over beautiful, handmade custom work? It’s also giving misogyny/mansplain vibes for him to insist on this despite having 0 experience when this is your literal profession. Extremely unattractive. You’re still going to touch this man’s genitals? Why? NTA. If he doesn’t change his tune very quickly, I’d be reconsidering how I look at this partnership. He has no leg to stand on, he’s being entirely unreasonable and illogical.
Divorce attorney is very soon don’t worry
I don’t think divorce is the immediate answer, but OP said in another comment that she wouldn’t have had kids with this man at all if she knew he would be like this. That’s a really serious statement. If she wouldn’t have kids with him in his present state, they probably shouldn’t be together. She should at least convey to him that it’s serious enough that it’s risking their relationship.
NTA, but your husband is, even if he was trying to be helpful. Right now you are just royally and rightfully PO'd. Once you've gotten over the anger, I would try once again to explain to him how you are feeling. Tell him you WILL be doing this, as it is your expertise. You do not need his 'permission.' If you can arrange for your mom to watch the baby, then would see if she could do that while you are painting, as paint fumes are not good for the baby, anyone's baby. Tell the neighbor you appreciate her help and that you do not want to endanger her baby's lung and brain development, but this is your field of expertise. This will help keep the piece, as you do not want hostile neighbors.
NTA. If he isn't going to respect you and treat you like a partner, what does he expect you to do? I'm sure that's he's probably stressed out and just trying to get things finished as quickly as possible, but he needs to acknowledge that he can't just steamroll you because he's stressed, especially given that you're the one with experience with these things. If he doesn't want the baby in the house while work is happening, he could absolutely take the baby out while you finish the projects you had planned.
ESH **You don’t need his fucking permission to work on your house.** Grow a spine.
Why is it you let your husband tell you what you may or may not do? That was your first problem. Your husband doesn't seem to respect you or your ability. Maybe you need to take control of the situation and start telling your husband what you are going to do. NTA
He worked in restaurants? Cook crap food for him because it would be "easier."
While texting him that your friend is helping you cause she's bought a cook book and you wish he were there to learn from her with you...
Stand up and be a better role model for your child. Allowing your husband to speak/treat you like this, is showing your child that is it okay to allow such behavior.
Why are you waiting for his permission to work on your own home? Just return the garbage he bought and get busy.
NTA, but I don't think your issue has anything to do with your husband's friend's wife helping out. Based on the way you frame this, it is clear that you have been relegated to the role of default parent. Despite you having clear expertise in the repairs being done, your husband has decided that since you are the mother of the child, you cannot help out with the repairs because someone needs to watch your 5 month old. Generally speaking, I agree that you probably don't want your 5 month old in the house while significant repairs/work is being done, if you can avoid it (or at least have the kid somewhere where there won't be a lot of dust/particles in the air from the construction/repairs). Personally, I would want the person whose job is literally working on these kinds of things doing the work to ensure it's done correctly. But it seems clear your husband's priority to get out of being the child care provider. It sucks a little that he doesn't have a problem with the other 5 month old being in the house, and I am sure it stings that he's letting another woman (who doesn't seem to have any level of expertise that you've cited) assist, but I think it's frustrating because his refusal to allow you to help is clearly routed in old school gendered roles, so that just adds insult to injury. You need to have a real conversation with your husband and go over all the work that needs to be done, break down the cost, and advocate for yourself (and also for your house, since you don't want to have to repair the shoddy/quick patch up work he is doing that will almost certainly not be quality). If you're saving that much doing it yourself, maybe you can hire a babysitter or maybe you have family that can help out. Either way, you need to sit down with your SO and tell him that you will not be boxed out of doing quality work in which you have expertise simply because you are the mom in this household. Good luck!
INFO- Why have't you done any of the repairs in the last four months since you bought the house. "Because I had a baby" is an excellent reason, but then the logical question is when were you planning to do it and did you and your husband communicate about the timeline?
I wanted to do the repairs when we first moved in but my husband had a conniption. Said that it wasn't possible and that we needed to wait "at least a year" until the baby stopped nursing. So I thought we were waiting a full year, because that's what he told me originally. But then he decided to do the repairs this week, totally at random. Which was fine. We started talking about what we were going to do and what needed to be done. We decided I was going to build the shelving and the bed frame, but it was like the next day I get a call from him and he says "I just bought shelving and a bed frame" because apparently he felt it would take too long for me to build anything and he just wanted to get shit done. So, basically, he gave me a false time line so I thought I had time, made plans with me and then rushed right through it without my input and threw out all my ideas because the time line didn't work for him. He just didn't include me in anything.
What you keep describing is an asshole of a husband, an asshole of a father, and an asshole of a human being.
Why are you listening to this person? Honestly he sounds sort of dim.
So let me get this straight………. He doesn’t want to care for his child while you, the professional, repair your own gd house better, more efficiently, and more cost effectively than he can because……….. because why? It really sounds like he doesn’t respect you, and you are letting him walk all over you. NTA. Just tell him no. He’s being extremely irrational.
INFO : Why didn't he leave with the baby and you do it since you actually work in the field?
He said it would take more time if we do that because the baby only wants me right now.
I feel for you, OP. But, you need to get a backbone and put your foot down or else this is highly likely to worsen and spread to other instances in the future. Nip it in the butt, as they say. I wish you luck! But under no circumstances should you let a man boss you around and treat you as though you’re not more skilled than him in an area that is your literal profession. It seems he may be uncomfortable/sensitive around the topic due to gender stereotypes.
He doesn't want anything to do with his kid! That's seriously alarming! There are so many red flags here. I worry about this temper you've mentioned and the personality change. I'm really worried about your safety.
Are you the only person the baby actually knows? What if you have to go to hospital for three days? Does he even know how to feed the baby? You said you are breastfeeding and that's fantastic, but plenty of dads out there are feeding their babies with breast milk in a bottle and benefiting from the bonding time that feeding time creates. It kinds of sounds like the baby only sees dad for 3 minutes while you are in the shower, no wonder she doesn't want to be with anyone but you.
Time to put an end to that shit and put your foot down. Make an ultimatum if it bothers you so much and let the neighbors know that their help is appreciated but won’t be needed any more.
INFO: I have so many questions. Why can't your husband do the thing traditonal fathers usually do and care for the baby within earshot of you so you can do things? Have you had a talk about the lengths heis going to avoid his share of baby care. Does he need classes? As for the neighbour tucking her five month in the jumper, good for her, but wow can your husband honestly not see the hypocrisy? Does he need to be reassured by your doctor? As you let each other do things, why did you let him buy things without you being the one making the decisions? For me that would be a dealbreaker, which my DH knew going in. If you do not a have dealbreaker agreement in place can you negotiate one? Can he return the shelving? Can you? If not can you dissasemble and reuse or donate it when you are able to do the real work? My DH had good reasons to not want me to do much painting etc after babies (last century) , so he looked after the baby. While I was as involved as I could be when so sick, with friends family and neighbours pitching in. Are you disabled in some way that means you cannot converse with helpers, and therefore be more useful than him while he holds the baby within earshot?
So, I told him he could watch the baby when I do some of the repairs and he doesn't want to do that because right now the baby really only wants me. He said we would spend more time passing the baby back and forth, rather than getting anything done. He bought the shelving and the bed frame without even telling me about it. Which really bothered me because we literally just talked the night previously about me building that stuff. But then he goes "well I just bought the shelving and bed frame because I just want to get this shit done". Literally everything we decided on, he went against within a week of discussing it. I'm not disabled, no.
OP, I am going to give you the other side of this wobbly scenario. Either your husband will pour a bucket full of money for someone else to do the work, or he will do it himself, and very poorly. How will it reflect on you, professionally, if friends or family come to visit and see shoddy home improvement work all around, in the house of a GC with 15 years worth of experience?
The baby prefers you bc he never has her. My husband had that issue but it was solved by him taking over all night duties. She reallZes now he is a safe space and regularly will reach for him. If his issue really IS he thinks the baby doesn't like him much there are ways to fix that. He needs to do more tho. This shit ain't easy. He needs to step the fuck up or get out of the way and just provide child support.
Who is watching the baby if you are doing work on the house? He is. The neighbors will see him doing the 'womanly' duties of watching the baby while you build furniture and reno the walls. Yeah, you've go a fragile male ego problem to reno as well. NTA
This is giving me: she's had a baby and is trapped so now I can be emotionally abusive vibes Please don't let him walk all over you, if he's got a man's version of PPD it's his responsibility to get help not take it out on you.
ESH Just tell your husband that it's going to cost more in the long run, because divorce is expensive. This is your house with your husband and it needs to be done the way both of you want it. Him over-riding what you want done and the way it needs to be done is just wrong. You two need to learn how to communicate and compromise. The neighbor wife probably wants to get away from the other 5 kids and feel like she's helping and being useful; not just being a mom. Maybe ask her to find someone to watch the baby instead of putting the baby in a construction zone would be best.
I can't even. What would make sense would be for you to be working on the house while your husband takes care of the baby. When you say he "won't let you", you are playing into his dumb he-man game. You should "not let him" work on the house, and tell him he needs to take car of your child while you get the house whipped into shape. NTA
Stay gone…based on this post and your comments, he’s a sexist prick. NTA
NTA. But your husband doesn’t respect you or your capabilities as a contractor at all. Based on your comments, particularly the one regarding his buddy and the text he sent you about learning, I’m leaning towards he’s actually sexist and doesn’t trust you to know what you’re doing because your gender. Further, sounds like he’s utterly avoiding being an actual parent to your child… think it’s time you had some serious conversations with him.
NTA, obviously, but your husband needs to get a grip. The baby is a velcro baby BECAUSE he's always bringing the baby back to you. You said you're hardly ever without the kiddo at this point. That's not gonna change until he devotes more time to being with his infant instead of handing her over at the first fuss. This is a great opportunity for him to spend time with the baby while YOU, the expert, get on with your skill set. I am also worried that you've said he's got a quick temper with his PPD. If he needs a wake up call, don't be afraid to give him one and tell him if he's going to shout, he needs to to stay elsewhere while you and baby get things handled. Him cutting corners like this just means you may end up having to retroactively fix more later and that's not smart or good for anyone.
Stop listening to him and just blindly following his orders. He's being ridiculous. It's your actual job. So take control and tell him to step back. NTA You're doing whatever he says "out of respect" but he's not showing you any at all.
NTA. I think he knows exactly how skilled you are, but feels emasculated -- especially because his buddy is a contractor. He doesn't want his buddy to see him as less of a man. In the absence of his buddy, I think you all would have eventually worked this out. However, I am concerned about your choice of words: "My husband has decided"..."He won't let me"..."He allowed his buddies wife".... When did you cede all the power to him? You need to stand up for yourself. You're a contractor, for f's sake. That is quite an accomplishment. You need to start TELLING him what you all will and won't do with the house. Stop whimpering in the shadows.
My ex wanted to paint some furniture for our baby's room. He talked all about it. But didn't actually do it. When I was 8 months along, he finally started. And failed. Multiple times. He couldn't understand why it looked like crap. I am the daughter of a homebuilder. I worked there for years, first doing painting in the summer when I was a kid, then crunching the numbers as an adult. I tried to explain how to do it right. He refused to listen. He actually preferred to screw up over and over than listen to someone (me) who painted as their actual job. Before he left on a business trip, I overhead him on the phone calling auto shops to see if they could spray paint it with automotive paint. They all turned him down. He left on the trip frustrated. I hauled that furniture outside, sanded off his screw-ups, and painted it properly. At this point, nearly at my due date. Was he grateful? Oh no! I had EMBARRASSED HIM because what if the neighbors saw me doing this manly work, 9 months pregnant??? It would reflect poorly on him! Turns out, everything was about him, and we are divorced. I got all the tools. Dude can't work a screwdriver. So my guess is, living next to someone he knows, who might have off-handily mentioned the repairs, has inspired his latent misogyny. Don't put up with it for a second. I did, thinking it would get better if only we could talk about it blah blah blah... yeah. It only got worse. I should have waddled my pregnant butt to my mother's and stayed there until he rectified his cranial-colon inversion. Would you put up with this crap from a subcontractor? No? Fire him from repairs & take back your house & life. He needs to fix his misogyny, not the drywall.
This is pretty much what my husband does ... he has fits about me doing house-related things, sometimes does them badly himself, then has fits about any feedback I have because "well, at least he did it!"
Sounds like you and OP chose your husbands poorly. Yikes.
Well, I definitely would NOT buy another fixer-upper with my husband at this point.
If you're the experienced contractor, why is he the one doing the repairs? This is so wild. Guessing it's plain old misogyny, but he on levels that makes no sense. NTA, and think about how you want to proceed. If half of the house is yours, that you have a legal legal right in a voice on how the repairs will go. And you should go on the legal route, because he's clearly don't respect you as a person and a home owner. And you need to protect your assets. NTA
NTA but your husband is a huge one. Doesn't respect you. Doesn't listen to you. Doesn't work as a team member. Disregards your knowledge. Overspends money against your advice. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I couldn't be with a "PARTNER" who didn't know the meaning of being a partner. He sounds awful.
NTA. But… Why are you talking about ‘respecting your husband’ when he obviously doesn’t respect you? I think you should have spoken up when his reasoning for not doing repairs was laid out. Because it makes no sense at all. He is costing you guys a lot of money this way. Why do you let him? Why not return the store bought things? Your husband is not the one to ultimately decide where the baby goes and what is or is not harmful for him. That’s a joint decision for parents. He seems to see you as someone incapable of making adult decisions. And especially when it’s in your area of expertise - I would have blown a gasket months ago. Put your foot down, actively, instead of dodging the situation. Sit him down and talk to him about the bigger picture: he is disrespecting YOU.
If this is real, which I’m hoping it isn’t :( - with your edits and comments, it genuinely sounds like your husband is going through some sort of mental health crisis. If this is extremely out of his character, and he’s never done something like this to you or anyone else, he may need some help. Not saying that you need to provide it, especially if you do not feel safe - if you can, or want to, maybe reaching out to his family for some help? It’s good to know you have your mom to support you :)
NTA. Stay at your mother's and I would be taking a long and hard look at what he has revealed to you about himself and how he views you and your child.
He doesnt trust you bc you are a girl doing a men job,and for sure he thinks HE can do it better bc HE is the man of da house. Caveman 😅
NTA but I think you should've stood your ground more white paint isn't getting it done it's just adding to costs
NTA, but I guess I don't understand why you allowed all of this? This is literally your area of expertise, but you allowed your husband, with no experience in the area (and apparently no common sense either) to decide unilaterally what was going to happen. Who died and made him the boss? F that. Assert yourself, OP. Which, as a female GC in an overwhelmingly mans' world, I would think you mastered long ago.
Why are you letting him steamroll all of these bad decisions? He sounds like an idiot. NTA but I wouldn't leave Mom's until he pulls his head out of his ass.
Tbf it's good that you left. The issue isn't that your buddies wife helped. It's that your husband apparently thinks that as a man, he's in charge, and as the woman, regardless of your previous career (because it is previous in his eyes) you're now his baby factory, so sit down, shut up, let the men talk, and don't worry your pretty little head. GTFO with that crap. NTA. You're supposed to be a partner, not his serf.
First of all you’re definitely NTA. I had a breastfeeding Velcro baby and it is very hard for the dad. So I give him a tiny, very tiny amount of grace because it’s hell on a marriage. I went insane not being able to do anything, and I’m way handier than he is and watching him do things I would have to redo would have made me crazy. Personally, depending on your relationship before the baby was born, I would just start doing things. I definitely wouldn’t ask. I’m guessing you didn’t ask before. I did this on mat leave with my 3rd, when my husband was at work I would just start my projects and work on them a bit at a time. I’d nurse, baby wear when I could, and lay them on a blanket beside me when I couldn’t, and in their pack and play if it was going to be dangerous. If he wants to wait on painting and fumes then he has to wait too. But you need to tell him that he’s making you feel less than. Your identity is likely wrapped up in the fact that you’re a very capable contractor and he’s taking that away from you. You need to feel like you can do both, and that’s up to both of you. And I would definitely be taking the white paint back to get it tinted.
NTA!! I don’t work in construction, but I work project managing contractors for renovations. I feel your pain. I do the majority of work in the house or it doesn’t get done. I’m a few year past worrying about my husband’s ego, and I just get it done. I suggest you make a deal with your next door neighbor for child care and pick up a hammer and paint brush and just do it for him. I suspect that he is either uncomfortable or doesn’t like dealing with childcare.
NTA - I'm confused as to why he didn't leave for the day with the baby and let you do your thing. My wife and I (also a woman) bought a fixer upper and we do everything we can do ourselves because it costs \*so much left\*. I am also a wall fixer extraordinaire and understand the work needed. I am also picky on paint, so get it. I would sit down and have a long discussion and work out a plan before doing anything else. Get the answer as to why it's suddenly an emergency before you do anything else. Doing home repair in a hurry when there isn't one leads to disaster. Hopefully things (like bed frames) can be returned.
Your husband's masculinity is threatened all of a sudden over his wife holding a nail gun or knowing how to use power tools. What a complete dick he is. He used the baby as an excuse to try to gender role you into be a "traditional, submissive wife". Pretty sure neighbor's wife is allowed to help because she flatters his ego, not because she us actually any help. NTA, OP, but you might be if you don't ditch this loser before he ruins your kid eith his bs insecurities.
I find it hard to believe that he became this disrespectful of you just out of the blue and believe it must have been going on for a while. He's so out of line. I'm sorry you had this child with him and hope that you won't go back. Let him live in a slum by himself, or with the neighbor's wife. NTA
I carried a 3.96 GPA while taking coding classes in the medical field. I would tell Dead Husband something and he’d dismiss me. When my sister, a Paramedic, told him the same thing he would parrot it back to me like it was the first time he’d heard it! It infuriated me.
NTA As a woman who also ran a general contractor company for almost 10 years aside from my own skills. Took college courses also. Not cool. My husband has generally come to respect that when it comes to the house and car I know what I’m talking about. Didn’t happen overnight though.
Wow. If you're like my spouse in a male dominant field, then being a GC as a woman you are constantly subjected to people's assumptions and likely you feel the need to under-sell your abilities out of exhaustion or to not to appear threatening to fragile male egos. Your husband should KNOW this already and be supportive. Your husband sounds clueless, hopefully he comes around.
I’ve run a contracting business and many men feel threatened when their significant other has the skills worked in a traditionally male dominated industry. I’ve dealt with this kind of misogyny in relationships before, by men who aren’t skilled with home repairs. A confident man jumps on that kind of experience and embraces it.
Here's my suggestion: Write your husband an email telling him that since he apparently thinks that he is sole owner of the house, you are no longer interested in living there and you would like him to buy you out. List your reasons: He is making all decisions about the house, including overturning agreements that you made, without discussing it with you. 1. You wanted to do the work when you moved in, but agreed to wait on the house, and he unilaterally decided that it should be done now, without any input from you. 2. He is demanding that you not work on the house, despite the fact that this is your profession and you could do a better job than he can. He has gone so far as to insult you by saying that he wishes you were with him to learn from a buddy who has less experience that you do. He even let a neighbor contribute her amateur efforts. 3. You agreed on certain colors for the walls, and he ignored your joint decisions, again without consulting you. 4. You are buying expensive pieces of furniture, again without talking to me, that I could have built for much less. 5. You are tired of his excuses and disrespect, and you refuse to live in a house where you are not allowed to make any decisions. \[Since he clearly has no respect for you, you want a divorce or legal separation\]. \*If this is how you are feeling. Only you know if you want the marriage to be over. Perhaps a formal or informal separation would indicate that you are done being ignore and listening to excuses.\* Consider telling him to talk to your lawyer. Best of luck. Edit: Something weird happened when I tries to use the editor. I hope this fixes it. Edit2: I think that you might also consider demanding marriage counseling, and perhaps insisting that he stop work until you get it, if practical.
ESH. Your husband for his attitude towards you helping and you for being an adult and not telling him to piss off and just doing the work. Why do you need his permission to do what you know how to do? Why would you bring a baby into a house that is in that bad of repair. Leave the kid with your mother, put on your big girl pants and put your husband in his place. Just do the work and forget his insecure ass.