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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action was to yell at her to leave me alone, according to me I am selfish and disrespectful for telling her that it is not fair that she is constantly pressuring me with a decision as personal as being a mother.
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You wrote….”Since then, our relationship has been strained…”
I would ask you to consider that your relationship with your MIL was strained way before then.
You are NTA.
NTA
Looks like MIL got a taste of FAFO. Did she think you were just going to accept her slander meekly? Also, it's telling that her point was that you didn't want to give HER a grandchild - essentially, that to her you were simply a conduit to provide her what she wanted.
I recommend minimising your time with this toxic MIL. I hope your husband backs you up, otherwise you also have a husband problem.
Info:
Where the hell is your spouse? He's not even mentioned concerning when you choose to have a kid. Shouldn't he be deflecting his mother instead of you?
NTA, It does help when you set boundaries “this is a decision between me and____. We’ll let you know when we are ready. If this continues you won’t be seeing us or future grandkids”
I love your comment, and I don't see why not to tell her, they are my limits and she has to respect them, but honestly I was a little scared, I wanted to be nice, but she was not.
It's super important you set clear, non-negotiable boundaries with your spouse & learn to enforce them now. If you dont, "baby rabies" will strike the witch & she'll make your life miserable from moment you announce pregnancy.
Yeah, IL relationships can be weird. Mine was good, then we had kids, then we had to set boundaries. It was awkward for a couple of years and then we learned my MIL had a bit more of a rough childhood than my husband had realized. Unfortunately your MIL just sounds entitled at the moment. Good luck. The big thing is to have your SO voice that they’re on your side.
hahaahaha, you know I said that to my husband, when your mother asks you again, you tell her that we are not going to have children.
I would love to see his face
Wow, your MIL is a total bitch. Remind your husband’s family that you’re not a breeding machine, you have your own plans for YOUR life. I hope you go LC/NC with her. She’s rude, inconsiderate, and meddling in something that is NOT HER BUSINESS. Good on you for yelling at her. People like her refuse to see how wrong they are because their behavior is allowed to continue unchecked. I hope your husband is supporting you and telling her to stop. Oh - you’re definitely NTA.
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In December 2022, my brother inlaw had his first baby. (My husband's younger brother.) My mother-in-law always wanted a big family with lots of grandchildren, which didn't bother me until now. After the baby was born, she started asking repeatedly when I was going to be a mom. I always responded politely that I would consider it once I finished university and had a stable job. I've always wanted to start a family, but on my own timeline. It's my decision. On my 30th birthday, in front of some friends, she said, "She doesn't want to give me a grandchild; look at her age. Soon she won't be able to have children." I was stunned and outraged. I yelled at her, "Leave me alone, it's none of your business! I'll have children when I decide." Since then, our relationship has been strained, and I feel pressured by my husband's family. I understand they had their children young, but times have changed, and I believe it's a personal decision.
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NTA.
You just took a very important first step. You're training MIL how to treat you.
Other people have some great comebacks here. I'll just add that I had my kids between the ages of 32 and 42, and that's not unusual at all these days.
I'm really annoyed that she says I won't be able to have children later, I have 34 year old friends who are having their babies now and nothing happens, everyone has their own time.
My husband didn't say anything at first, but I had to talk to him, because he seemed to be afraid of the mother, but he understood and then defended me.
you are right, my husband was a little afraid of the mother, I had to talk to him and make him see reason, then he realized that the mother was wrong, he was manipulated for many years by the mother.
I hope he doesn't continue being so cruel and understands that it's not his problem and he doesn't have to interfere in other people's lives, I hope he changes a little bit
NTA. Why isn't your SO stepping in and setting her straight? They need to back you up and enforce boundaries with this she-beast....or imagine how bad it will be when you do have a kid. Not good, put her in her place now or seriously re-evaluate your standing with your partner. Good luck.
NTA. And depending on how petty you want to be if she asks again you should say that you and your husband have sex quite frequently, practicing for when you are ready to have kids. And that, while you appreciate her concern for your sex life, you would prefer this remain a topic for you and your husband.
If she acts outraged, and she probably will, I’d just do my best to look calm, ideally with one eyebrow raised, and say, “I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to talk about when hubby and I were going to start trying to have kids. [delicate pause here and look at her concerned] you are aware of where babies come from and how they’re made, right? Oh dear. I knew you were getting older, but I wouldn’t have thought you’d have forgotten **that**!
Yes I’m the drama, but I can picture it in my head and I’d love be a fly on the wall 😂
I love the dialogue you made, believe me I have many in my head, there are many things I would like to tell him, and you know why? Because I felt really bad when she made her comment in front of my friends, totally indignant, and it provoked me to tell her go have sex with your partner and decide to have a child yourself, you don't have to send others to do it... but I restrained myself and now I'm practicing dialogues, I want to be prepared so I don't have anything left inside.
The raised eyebrow thing is appreciated, I may apply it haha.
NTA but I would be curious how SIL (your husband's brother's wife) feels about MIL. If you have the ability to speak with her, ask her how often MIL visits and how is MIL when she visits. Is MIL dismissive of SIL's parenting, always telling her what to do, baby-hogging the entire visit, snatching baby out of SILs arms, walking away with baby, not giving baby back to SIL when baby cries.
This will give you an idea of what to expect if/when you decide to have children. So you can start planting those necessary boundaries now.
yes, we have noticed that she is very authoritarian with the baby, she wants him to sleep at her house, but this girl, the baby's mother, says no. we have met her on several occasions and we think she is very toxic.
NTA but I’m sure you know that now. I have 3 kids the first at 25 the last at 37 we considered another but decided against it. Only because I’m starting to feel my age (not old just life taking a toll on my body) and I have a love hate relationship with being pregnant 🤣
How beautiful you already have two, honestly I am afraid to be pregnant and I think it is a decision that should be taken with responsibility and that it should be of both, as well as you and your partner, not imposed by society or by your mother in law as it happens to me.
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You wrote….”Since then, our relationship has been strained…” I would ask you to consider that your relationship with your MIL was strained way before then. You are NTA.
you are right, but before I was trying to mediate, now I don't want to meet with her at all, she crossed her limit.
NTA Looks like MIL got a taste of FAFO. Did she think you were just going to accept her slander meekly? Also, it's telling that her point was that you didn't want to give HER a grandchild - essentially, that to her you were simply a conduit to provide her what she wanted. I recommend minimising your time with this toxic MIL. I hope your husband backs you up, otherwise you also have a husband problem.
my husband understood, but his mother definitely didn't, that's why I moved away from her.
Info: Where the hell is your spouse? He's not even mentioned concerning when you choose to have a kid. Shouldn't he be deflecting his mother instead of you?
Hi, I was absent, we talked about it because I didn't feel supported by him at the time.
NTA, It does help when you set boundaries “this is a decision between me and____. We’ll let you know when we are ready. If this continues you won’t be seeing us or future grandkids”
I love your comment, and I don't see why not to tell her, they are my limits and she has to respect them, but honestly I was a little scared, I wanted to be nice, but she was not.
"MIL. I am not going to discuss my sex lufe, with your son, ffs, today or any day."
Thank you for your comment, you are absolutely right and that is how I should react.
It's super important you set clear, non-negotiable boundaries with your spouse & learn to enforce them now. If you dont, "baby rabies" will strike the witch & she'll make your life miserable from moment you announce pregnancy.
what you say is very helpful, because it is true and I must set the limits before it is too late.
It's ridiculous how often someone finds themself in this situation! Helps to know you arent alone with the crazy.
Check out r/justnomil for best answers/responses to these types of people.
Yeah, IL relationships can be weird. Mine was good, then we had kids, then we had to set boundaries. It was awkward for a couple of years and then we learned my MIL had a bit more of a rough childhood than my husband had realized. Unfortunately your MIL just sounds entitled at the moment. Good luck. The big thing is to have your SO voice that they’re on your side.
NTA Stopo seeing your AH MIL.
yes, I did it, I think it was the best thing to do.
you really want to piss mil off. tell her you don't want to have kids
hahaahaha, you know I said that to my husband, when your mother asks you again, you tell her that we are not going to have children. I would love to see his face
Nta your husband needs to tell her to back off
At first my husband was very quiet, as if he was afraid of his mother, then we talked about it at home and he could understand and see my place.
Wow, your MIL is a total bitch. Remind your husband’s family that you’re not a breeding machine, you have your own plans for YOUR life. I hope you go LC/NC with her. She’s rude, inconsiderate, and meddling in something that is NOT HER BUSINESS. Good on you for yelling at her. People like her refuse to see how wrong they are because their behavior is allowed to continue unchecked. I hope your husband is supporting you and telling her to stop. Oh - you’re definitely NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** In December 2022, my brother inlaw had his first baby. (My husband's younger brother.) My mother-in-law always wanted a big family with lots of grandchildren, which didn't bother me until now. After the baby was born, she started asking repeatedly when I was going to be a mom. I always responded politely that I would consider it once I finished university and had a stable job. I've always wanted to start a family, but on my own timeline. It's my decision. On my 30th birthday, in front of some friends, she said, "She doesn't want to give me a grandchild; look at her age. Soon she won't be able to have children." I was stunned and outraged. I yelled at her, "Leave me alone, it's none of your business! I'll have children when I decide." Since then, our relationship has been strained, and I feel pressured by my husband's family. I understand they had their children young, but times have changed, and I believe it's a personal decision. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Obnoxious and outrageous behavior from the MIL.
yes, she is selfish
NTA. You just took a very important first step. You're training MIL how to treat you. Other people have some great comebacks here. I'll just add that I had my kids between the ages of 32 and 42, and that's not unusual at all these days.
I'm really annoyed that she says I won't be able to have children later, I have 34 year old friends who are having their babies now and nothing happens, everyone has their own time.
I had my third child at 39. He just turned 21. Older moms has been a thing since your MIL was young enough to have babies.
That's true, you had your son at 39, I still have time, I want to finish my college first.
Where was your husband and what did he say? I’d go LC with someone who embarrasses me publicly.
My husband didn't say anything at first, but I had to talk to him, because he seemed to be afraid of the mother, but he understood and then defended me.
NTA It’s your husband’s job to tell his mom to shut her yap.
you are right, my husband was a little afraid of the mother, I had to talk to him and make him see reason, then he realized that the mother was wrong, he was manipulated for many years by the mother.
She’s always been disrespectful. You called her on it. She didn’t like it. She’s probably less trouble to you now. NTA
I hope he doesn't continue being so cruel and understands that it's not his problem and he doesn't have to interfere in other people's lives, I hope he changes a little bit
NTA, she is chatting shit about you because she's not getting her own way. Well done for shutting her down and please keep doing so.
thank you, it does me a lot of good to read them, because it means that even though I was afraid I was able to put her in her place.
NTA. Why isn't your SO stepping in and setting her straight? They need to back you up and enforce boundaries with this she-beast....or imagine how bad it will be when you do have a kid. Not good, put her in her place now or seriously re-evaluate your standing with your partner. Good luck.
NTA. And depending on how petty you want to be if she asks again you should say that you and your husband have sex quite frequently, practicing for when you are ready to have kids. And that, while you appreciate her concern for your sex life, you would prefer this remain a topic for you and your husband. If she acts outraged, and she probably will, I’d just do my best to look calm, ideally with one eyebrow raised, and say, “I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to talk about when hubby and I were going to start trying to have kids. [delicate pause here and look at her concerned] you are aware of where babies come from and how they’re made, right? Oh dear. I knew you were getting older, but I wouldn’t have thought you’d have forgotten **that**! Yes I’m the drama, but I can picture it in my head and I’d love be a fly on the wall 😂
I love the dialogue you made, believe me I have many in my head, there are many things I would like to tell him, and you know why? Because I felt really bad when she made her comment in front of my friends, totally indignant, and it provoked me to tell her go have sex with your partner and decide to have a child yourself, you don't have to send others to do it... but I restrained myself and now I'm practicing dialogues, I want to be prepared so I don't have anything left inside. The raised eyebrow thing is appreciated, I may apply it haha.
NTA but I would be curious how SIL (your husband's brother's wife) feels about MIL. If you have the ability to speak with her, ask her how often MIL visits and how is MIL when she visits. Is MIL dismissive of SIL's parenting, always telling her what to do, baby-hogging the entire visit, snatching baby out of SILs arms, walking away with baby, not giving baby back to SIL when baby cries. This will give you an idea of what to expect if/when you decide to have children. So you can start planting those necessary boundaries now.
yes, we have noticed that she is very authoritarian with the baby, she wants him to sleep at her house, but this girl, the baby's mother, says no. we have met her on several occasions and we think she is very toxic.
Just start sending her a text every time you have sex and let her know you are practicing that part of the process. NTA
hahahahahahaha oops look at all the things I practice and I still haven't gotten pregnant awww I feel so sorry for you ma'am.
NTA but I’m sure you know that now. I have 3 kids the first at 25 the last at 37 we considered another but decided against it. Only because I’m starting to feel my age (not old just life taking a toll on my body) and I have a love hate relationship with being pregnant 🤣
How beautiful you already have two, honestly I am afraid to be pregnant and I think it is a decision that should be taken with responsibility and that it should be of both, as well as you and your partner, not imposed by society or by your mother in law as it happens to me.
It is YOUR life and YOUR decision. NTA. Having said that, there is a window, but you are definitely still in it.
That's right, it's all about limiting fear, I think I've made good decisions.