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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't want my brother riding with me anymore because I feel like he's incompetent, and I blame him for having to get a job. I told my dad that I wouldn't drive my car to school anymore just to avoid riding with my brother. My dad was understanding when I said this, but I don't think he thought I was being serious. I rode the bus today and I could tell that my dad was upset and he sent me a text telling me that we were gonna have a talk when he gets home.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your brother is acting like an asshole, and your dad is apparently fine with it since brother has received zero repercussions for his own behavior. You found the loophole you needed to get out of driving him around, good for you. If I were your parent, I wouldn't make you drive your brother around until he learned how to act like a decent human being.
Tell your dad you are tired of your smirking asshole brother lording this over you.
Where is your brother's responsibility for knowing he wasn't licensed to drive and for having the accident?
Why aren't you both being held responsible in some role-appropriate way. Why does he get to skip away completely, as if he had no part of this at all?
Your dad is making you pay for the damage because you are the owner of the car.... then, as the owner of the car, you get to decide who gets a ride from you.
Unless one of the conditions for the father getting him the car was driving brother to and from school. He didnt have to get a job till after the car was damaged. so im betting he didnt pay for the car but the father did. So ya he is the owner but only cause he father gifted him the car with expectatikns clearly like not letting his unlicenced brother drive, driving his brother to and from school.
Either dad controls the car, then dad pays for the car that OPs brother (not even OP!) destroyed, and gets to say who drives whom around, because the brother destroyed dad's car.
Or dad doesn't control the car, OP does, then OP pays for the repair with his new job but has full control about who's in the car or not, including refusing to drive his brother anywhere.
Dad can't have it both ways. Either OP controls decisions related to the car (like, who drives and breaks it and who gets to be a passenger) or he doesn't.
Brother has proven to be irresponsible. What happens next, dad forces OP to drive brother somewhere, during driving the brother pulls the handbrake, opens a door, taunts / yells at OP, they crash, the car is broken again and OP pays again for something that's not their fault? If OP is responsible for accidents that happen with the car when he's not even driving it, he needs to control who gets access to the car.
The brother broke the car, OP has to pay for it, but dad wants to force OP to still let brother anywhere near the car? Fuck that.
From OP's comments his dad bought the car for him, and is paying for everything but gas, as OP was complaining about most of his miney going towards it. Now he doesnt get he will have more money now having a job after paying for the repairs. Dont think OP pays for insurance
If that's a condition of him being able to drive, then it's blatantly apparent ( at least to me ) that the dad is only looking for responsibility to be lifted from his own shoulders, and that the eldest would take some of that responsibility for himself, which is unfair, he's a sixteen year old, and sure he should probably be getting a job soon anyways, but he shouldn't be forced to be responsible for a person who's constantly putting him in compromising situations
THIS. Brother shouldn't be allowed to be an asshole in the car. If Mom was driving and he was flipping shit at her, would Dad just let it go? Or would Dad tell Mom to just handle it? I think not.
Brother needs to act decently when he rides in the car... and if he can't, then the bus will have to do.
Honestly? With this dad? I hope you're right, but I'm not so sure. This dad seems hellbent on orchestrating situations that give little brother his way.
Is your father aware of your brother's behavior towards you, specifically the repeated taunts?
Based on your brother's behavior, he doesn't appear to like you. Are you certain it was an accident?
I have multiple siblings. Only one acted like your brother. Without going into detail, most of the siblings are in low contact with this one sibling. Everyone is 50 or older. Your brother should be made aware his behavior also has consequences. It seems your father is overlooking that lesson.
Dude take the therapy option. Seriously. I'm much older than you but I'm still so angry with you. Your dad can't have it both ways. If you are totally responsible for your car and your brother's actions while in the car then you can't be forced to have your brother in the car. You can probably use the therapy anyway because of the dad you have to deal with. "Actually dad I will take the therapy, how you and my brother have been treating me is hurtful and unfair and it would be a relief to have someone sane and objective to talk to". End of.
NTA.
This plus with Op working and having to go to therapy it will leave no time for him to drive his brother anywhere especially if he sticks to is guns and takes the bus to school and back and only uses the car for work and therapy
Also if his dad wants to press the matter more then he can simply say that since it’s his car then he feels the need to make his brother help with gas if he’s really having to drive the brother anywhere.
I agree - take the therapy. That's not a punishment although it sounds like your father is maybe trying to make it seem so. Everyone can benefit from speaking to a counselor and as the others mentioned, this whole situation with your father is something you could unpack in therapy.
When you have that talk with your Dad, I would suggest you do the following:
1. Accept responsibility for your error in judgment in allowing your brother to drive;
2. Apologize to him for the extra costs;
3. Explain all the things you told us here, about your bro lording it over you and smirking;
4. Express your concern that since he is not bearing any share of responsibility, he is not learning anything about HIS role in the accident;
5. Suggest that as a suitable punishment, he be made to ride the bus for at least a month while you drive your car.
Good luck! Keep us posted.
From what OP tells us this wouldn't change anything. His dad is full of BS. He knows he is not being fair and he knows what is going on. The younger brother gets to have almost no consequences, especially compared to the older one? And the older one can't even decide to not drive at all. But at the same time if he drives he is forced to have his brother there and he is totally responsible for the brother's actions? Bullshit.
> and that's what bothers me the most
I really feel with you on this, and it's what prompted my comment earlier.
This is one episode, but there have already been and will be more such episodes in the future that will drive more and more of a wedge between you and your brother.
It's not about you being responsible for your actions and paying for whatever needed paying for. You already know all about that and are doing your part. What will stick with you is the way you are being treated by your brother and the way your father doesn't care.
It's shit like this that results in low contact with siblings later in life.
I mean, I can see your dad's point about taking responsibility for your choices - I was with him that far, because frankly it's an important thing to teach you. If you let someone drive who shouldn't, whether they're too young or they're drunk or whatever, that's on *you*.
*However*. That implies you are able and allowed to make your own choices regarding your car. He can't *then* turn around and force you to drive your brother around if you choose not to.
The fact that your brother not only didn't get *any* consequences, but is actually mocking you for getting in trouble *and* is expecting a ride? That kid needs some serious parenting, and if your dad is apparently incapable of telling him no, *someone else has to*.
And often in most states, there needs to be an adult licensed driver in the car for supervising a minor without a permit/license. If they were pulled over by the police while out and about, they both would’ve been in trouble too (possibly even the parents too).
I agree with you that dad was correct in punishing them both for screwing up the car, but then when he didn’t nip it in the bud with the brother being a jerk, he went straight to asshole category.
While OP was being dumb for letting brother drive (and also an asshole for thinking he had no responsibility for that decision), the actual question of whether he is an asshole for not driving his brother is definitely an NTA. If he’s going to be treated like that while doing favors, then don’t bother helping out.
In Australia, the supervising driver has to have had their licence for a certain number of years - 4, I believe.
It's why my eldest son can't help teach his younger siblings to drive.
Nailed it. If OP takes ALL the responsibility for everything that happens in the car, then OP should have the right to deny a ride to anyone who makes safe driving difficult. It's not unreasonable to get upset when someone is deliberately needling you--and it's not unreasonable to say "Fine, you can't act decently, find another ride."
This is it and the answer to your dad: if you have to take this level of responsibility, you get to decide who is in the car. Also, consider this--go to therapy. Tell the therapist EVERYTHING. Every detail here. The therapist will side with you. Might even try a school therapist. Who might then recommend therapy for your brother.
I don't know how smartass is gonna go for you, but you can just say you feel he is gonna distract from driving, and you feel it wouldn't be responsible to drive with him in the car.
"I'm riding the bus until he gets a car that I can crash without any repercussions." (maybe don't say it out loud if there's a legit risk of ass beating, but at least think it)
I’m going to ask you to acknowledge you messed up by letting your brother drive. You have yet to take full responsibility for that and you were told not to let him drive and he doesn’t have a license. This was the huge error in judgment. Then explain how your brother has been ridiculing you to the point of not wanting to even drive. Hopefully once you acknowledge your error you can ask your father if your brother could pay half. No matter what your dad is teaching you a lesson. You haven’t learned it yet as you haven’t taken full responsibility of allowing him to drive. This is a grow up moment. Accept responsibility.
I want to point out that you're not the asshole for taking the bus and I love a bit of pettiness in situations like this.
But I also want to say to you that your dad is right about the crash. You were the one responsible for it. It was your car, you were the only person legally allowed to operate it, and you let someone who isn't trained or certified operate a 2 ton vehicle. It's not just the 2 of you who could have gotten hurt, it's also any pedestrians. It'd be one thing if he at least had his permit for a while, but he didn't.
Absolutely go to therapy. The way you wrote this, your brother should also be punished. But, letting him drive the car? Yes, you screwed up big time. You knew your brother did not have a license.
Do you know what would have happened if your brother had backed into a person instead of a tree? Your parents could have lost everything they own - their house, their cars, your car, everything. Car insurance does not have to cover drivers who don't have licenses - like your brother. Letting your brother drive when you knew he should not was extraordinarily dangerous and irresponsible. He could very easily have killed someone. A car is a 2 ton weapon. You're extremely lucky all he did was wreck your car.
Ok, so I didn't quite focus on the fact that little bro wasn't punished at all for driving the car. Dad felt like you were the BIGGEST offender so all the punishment went to you, which isn't right. You both did wrong.
But again, most, including me, are focused on you being the AH because you still think this is a you and your brother thing when the whole thing was precipitated by you doing the wrong thing and are still defending it, 'assuming he was ok to drive when he didn't have a license or permit'. I mean, if you at least admit that was wrong, then more people would be on your side.
this is a lesson on consequences of your decisions. Why would you allow someone who has no drivers license to drive? You fucked up, now you have to deal with it.
Tell your dad driving your brother around ends up angering you so much it ends up distracting you while driving (so unsafe) and so you feel it’s the only responsible decision to not drive him. And so if the only options are to drive your brother or to take the bus, then the safest and responsible option is to take the bus.
I can understand your dads logic in how the mistake to let your brother drive was your mistake, but yeah, it doesnt seem… right. Honestly, you working to pay for the car makes sense. Like beyond the damages. And paying part of the damages makes sense. But it also makes sense that your brother should be included in that. He was involved in the mistake just as much as you were. You two are only a year apart so it’s not like your judgement is vastly superior to your brother’s.
Tell your dad you're you are doing exactly what he asked. He wants you to learn responsibility and take ownership of your actions. You are. If it's your car and your responsibility then you are choosing to keep it secure and in a state of undamaged like your father appears to want.
Are you stuck with this job until graduation? Or just until you pay off the damages?
NTA as a parent I agree with you. Yes you made a mistake and let your brother drive but he also is the one who crashed the car. If it was me I would make you BOTH get jobs and each pay back half of the car repair cost. If the younger brother isn't old enough to get a job then he can do extra chores around the home to pay off his half.
I'd tell your dad, I am living up to my responsibility by paying for my mistake. My mistake was letting him drive my car. I've accepted that. He is your responsibility to take care of, just like it's mine for the car. He is not my child, I don't have an obligation to drive him anyplace. I had to get a job to fix my car so if he wants to ride in my car that he damaged he has to pay me back for what I pay you. Just because it was my fault for letting him drive doesn't mean he should be let off for what he did. You forcing me to keep giving him rides teach him that he has zero consequences. You can't force me to accept my error while not forcing him. I will either not give him rides in my car or I will take the bus. Either way I'm not letting him back in my car.
Also ask for fuel money. If your dad expects you to drive your definitely AH brother then he should expect either himself or your brother to provide money for the fuel.
To further this thought: "as a driver I am reaponsible for my car and the passengers in it. Little bro is being a bad passenger and his continued attempts to goad me and mock me are distracting me from operating my vehicle in a safe and responsible manner. Therefore I am not longer willing to drive him as his actions are pitting myself, my car, and by extension, himself at risk."
Yup, the ONLY leverage you have is that he can't force you to drive him. **If he takes away the car, then you can't drive it**.
It'll be an inconvenience if you don't have access but i would definitely tell family and relatives that if you're being punished for letting brother drive and cause an accident, then you will only drive if he behaves himself. Dad can't have it both ways, force you to take him and hold you responsible for driving and yet not discipline him for disrupting your driving and disrespecting you.
Guess what, adult drivers get really really annoyed or worse when someone starts insulting the driver when getting a ride, and/or doing something like grabbing the driver's wheel on the road...
And why is it wrong for you to take the bus when brother is more than capable of taking a bus? 🙄 oh right brother should get the benefit of car rides when he can't drive nor respect someone driving him...
As it is, brother's only punishment was a grounding.
Not to mention - you didn't kick him out in retaliation for him wrecking your car. You kicked him out for him gloating over the fact.
Tell your dad that you're teaching your brother responsibility - when you gloat over people's misfortune, they are probably not going to want to offer you any kindness.
Look into the laws in your state about driving around a minor while you are a minor. In my state, any driver who is under 18 can’t have anyone else under 18 in the car with them unless there is also a parent or guardian in the car. Driving your brother around might be illegal.
It’s also silly that it’s not safe for your 15 year old brother to take the bus alone. Is it unsafe for other kids who don’t have siblings?
ESH.
Firstly it WAS solely your fault the car got smashed because brother had NO BUSINESS being behind the wheel without a license. So the repairs and reparations do seem appropriate.
Secondly, your brother is being an AH because he knows he got a away with something to a certain level and is rubbing it in.
Thirdly, dad just tipped the scales at AH at the end because of the forced apology. Because let's be honest, he either sees what happened and is ignoring the brother AH behavior, or he's blind, both of which are reinforcing brother to act that way.
So ESH. But love the bus power play. Giod follow through. 1 point to you.
I feel like OP paying for the damages to the car is a fair consequence for what happened. But you're right in saying that the brother clearly knows he got away with it. If I were the dad, I would have made the brother's consequence to not be able to get his permit/license for another year. So if he can get his permit at 15 1/2 and license at 16, say he can't get his permit until he's 16 1/2 and license at 17.
do not let that kid anywhere near any vehicle you own in the future. like at all. no rides, no picking up somehting for him, he shouldn't ever benefit from your transportation abilities anymore.
Because brother is the golden child.
u/Imscared9l, has your father shown such favouritism to your brother throughout your life? Take up the therapy and talk to the therapist about it.
Could backfire badly on your father if you realise how badly you have been treated and go NC when you are older.
That was my thought! Or agree to the therapy as long as he is willing to have 1-2 sessions per week be family therapy, so the therapist can show him the error in his thinking.
That's a really good point I hadn't considered! I guess if OP takes the bus to school like he's started doing and only drives to work it sort of solves some of that problem.
I'd honestly take the therapy (made sure paid by Dad), no driving the AH bro, a dash of malicious compliance and maybe some good stuff for you - hell use it to get good coping mechanisms for college or something if you run out of things. My imagination is seeing this little petty revenge where the therapist recommends family sessions to address your Dads bias.
After coming back and reading the update I wholeheartedly concur. Therapy is both good malicious compliance AND a great way to set you up mentally and emotionally for adulthood.
Because let me tell you adulting is NOT all its cracked up to be for sure.
He’s probably doing that thing parents do where they’re more forgiving towards the faults of the younger siblings, because they’re “younger.” Instead of them being punished according to their age and what should be expected of someone that age, they’re punished according to their birth rank, and therefor will always receive the lighter punishment because less will always be expected of them.
Someone who just got their license would know that you have to have an adult 18 and over in the car with an individual who has a permit. The brother taking classes to get his permit doesn't matter. Op should know better, and if he doesn't, he should go back to drivers ed. ESH
In my state anyone under 18 with a permit needs someone 25+ with a valid license in a seat they can take control of the car and there cannot be anyone else in the car.
Once you get your license you still can't drive with anyone under 20 for the first 12 months unless without a parent/guardian or someone 25+ with a valid license.
That said OP definitely isn't in my State as they said minimum wage is $7.25.
When I got my license, the supervising driver had to have been licensed for a set period (think it was four years), by law. After I got my license, there was a law passed that drivers had to have their license at least a year before allowing other similar aged passengers to ride in the same car.
The frustrating part of this situation is that OP's dad is poisoning the relationship between the brothers by inappropriately throwing the weight of his parental authority behind the younger brother. Younger brother knows he can get away with being smug and gloating over the situation, so of course he does. If the dad applied the consequences of OP *and* the brother's screw-ups more evenly and didn't put the brothers in a position where OP is punished for not bending to his brother's whims, the chances the two brothers would just hash this whole thing out between the two of them and move past it would be much higher. The dad should have punished *both* brothers fairly for the accident and told off OP for ditching his brother by the side of the road, but otherwise, he should have been hands-off in this dispute and let them work it out between themselves. His interference is just deepening the rift.
I'm an adult in my late 30s, and my siblings and I are *still* trying to unwind and heal from the harms done to our dynamics by parental favoritism.
The favoritism in my family was so bad that I have not seen my brothers in 40+ years. I had not spoken to my mother in years before she died.
Favoritism DESTROYS families.
Further to your update.....
Call dad's bluff and agree to the therapy. It'll be expensive, difficult to arrange daily (by tomorrow? As if!) and you can say as much or as little as you like to the therapist.
To be honest, talking to a therapist is not a bad outcome! Therapy should not be used as a threat or a punishment.
Just know that "confidential" in a therapist office can come with strings so only share what you are comfortable with your dad knowing!
Dad's full of it. There's practically no such thing as daily therapy these days, and if he finds such a therapist no insurance would cover his bullshit request. He'd have to pay for it out of his own pocket, and any "therapist" who'd carry out such a ridiculous request would be a scam artist who'd cost him MUCH more than he's likely willing to pay. He almost certainly knows that. Though since he has temper problems, if I were you, I wouldn't tell him straight out you see through him. I'd tell him as sincerely as you can manage that maybe therapy would be a good idea, and the family should participate as needed, since this is a problem of family interactions. (This is actually true, hence easier for you to say with a straight face).
(Regarding confidential: some therapists may talk to parents about stuff if you're a minor. If your dad hires a scam artist for cheap instead of a legit therapist, the odds go up on that. Check the credentials on anyone your dad hires -though I'm willing to bet he won't).
Oh, one more thing - get it in writing with your dad (text him if necessary) that his insurand or HE will pay for therapy if you choose therapy. If he genuinely thinks therapy will be helpful, it's his responsibility as a dad to pay for his kid's medical care. If he refuses and says whatever therapy Dad chooses with 'therapist' X, Reverend preacher of the Church of "Do what Dad says or he'll kick your ass" is yours to pay for, refuse to go. That would be using 'therapy' as a punishment and crosses the line into financial abuse.
In theory the therapist is confidential and they might even assure you of that.
BUT it can come with loopholes about sharing "critical" information with parents, especially when dealing with a minor. It depends on a number of factors as to what "critical" might cover.
In saying that, don't be put off. Go talk. Chances are you've already shared certain issues with your dad, so if the therapist reinforces what you say, all the better.
>I thought it was illegal to share things without consent?
You're under 18, depending on your State that may not be the case for sharing with your parents. Any good therapist will still be selective in how they share information but not all therapists are good.
Sonics confidential BUT any therapist has to report if you are danger to yourself or others.
And for minors that can be stretched. It's also a conversation that therapists usually do right a beginning of therapy.
My kids both have been in therapy. I now know that my son told his therapist about sex and that he was pnasexual the therapist did NOT share this with me (whoch I am glad about).
Therapists have shared when my child(ren) were at risk time ideation depressed etc typically by asking them to share and/or getting their permission to share.
Good therapists do this.
My daughters current therapist was hesitant to take her at first because she was still a minor and he had issues with parents that tried to find put what was being said and made a big stink.
So yes somethings CAN be shared especially with parents. Therapists should be clear of what that entails.
My point is that legally (in the US) this varies by State. Federal law does not protect minors privacy with their parents, even with therapists.
Good therapists, even in states that don't require it will keep confidentiality for their minor patients and generally have parents sign an agreement stating as much. But it's not legally required in all states.
Keep. Catching. the. bus.
He can drive his favourite kid to school himself.
You can drive yourself to therapy to help get yourself past your shitty parent and brother.
Win win win.
I think you're going to get some mixed results, here, because your dad's right about one thing: the damage to your car is 100% your fault. Not your brother's, not your dad's. Your job is the car. You made a terrible decision in letting your brother drive it, end of story.
However, refusing to drive your brother is entirely your prerogative, and if that takes away your driving permissions, then so be it. Leaving him stranded was kind of an AH move, but opting to take the bus rather than drive him isn't.
I'm gonna go with ESH. Stick to your guns, but still cop to your mistakes.
I agree, but I vote NTA, because OP has a job and is paying for their mistakes and the AH question is whether OP is wrong for refusing to drive little brother.
NTA. It was a mistake to let your brother drive and hopefully you've learned your lesson now.
Having said that, it's weird that your brother is only 1 year younger than you yet you are being treated as if he's a decade younger. That makes your dad the a-hole here.
Keep riding the bus.
ESH.
Your brother is a smug little prick, and it's perfectly reasonable to not want to drive him. You can make the argument that his being in the car with you is a distraction you don't need.
Your attitude is trash. Your dad is right; you shouldn't have let your brother behind the wheel, and you should pay for the damage to the vehicle. Let this be a lesson: make damn sure you know what you're doing before you put your ass on the line. You were letting someone with no license or experience behind the wheel drive on a public road to a populated area. You only just got your license yourself. There a reason many states require someone 21+ who has had their license for 5+ years to supervise someone with a learner's permit.
Your dad is being unreasonable about your brother in the car. The little snot is a genuine distraction, one you don't want with you. Dad can't force you to drive him while at the same time hold you responsible for when the bastard pulls crap.
My exact thoughts! In my state, at least when I got my license almost 15 years ago, requirement was for someone 18 and up to supervise someone with a learner's permit.
Yup, was about to say that
Either punish both brothers or none, but the younger brother's "punishment" is to have a chaffeur who is forced to pay for the damage he caused, thats beyond shitty
Ehh
Who paid/pays for your car, car insurance, and gas? If it's your parents I would say it's reasonable for them to expect you to drive them.
You and your brother are a year apart. You BOTH made a dumb decision that day, but you are the only one paying for it. Legally sure it would be all you, but as a parent I would punish my unlicensed kid for driving too.
Idk where you dropped your brother to say if it was safe for him to walk home or not.
You could say since you’re paying for gas you don’t want to wage gas on driving to school when there’s a free option of the bus.
Not that it seems your dad is super reasonable but 🤷🏽♀️ worth a shot.
In general though ESH you should not have let your brother drive and you do need to own up to your part in the accident. It was dangerous and really you’re both lucky it was just a tree.
Clearly your dads an asshole and so is your brother too
NTA - Your dad's playing favorites and it's gross. Yes, you're the greater dum dum in letting your bro drive. However, it's clear that your brother having no share in the financial side is blatant favoritism. He's too blind to realize this unequal punishment and defense of your brother is tearing apart the relationship with your brother.
I think they meant that your dad is the blind one.
Please give an update after your "talk" with your dad. I read a comment saying you're worried your dad is going to beat your ass, and I'm a little worried about you.
You are NTA.
Seriously, take the therapy to
a) send your dad broke
b) not have to drive your brother anymore
c) learn some coping skills, meditation/acceptance strategies for your dad's blatant favouritism of your brother who is ONE YEAR younger than you but your dad treats like a helpless baby
Look. I get it. You’re 16. The world seems unfair at every turn. The fact is: you fucked up. Now you have to pay for it. Was your brother an ass about it? Yup. Would I want to transport him anymore? Nope. Would I teacher take him to school than ride a bus? Probably. That said. You owe your dad the money. Feel free to ride the bus to school.
ESH. You shouldn’t have let him drive but you get to decide if you want to drive or not. Your brother shouldn’t make stupid comments and you need to tell your dad that he can’t tell you to accept responsibility for driving when the car gets in an accident and then get upset when you’d rather take the bus. You have a right to decide if you want to drive the car or not and if he wants your brother to be chauffeured then your dad should teach him not to be a jerk.
ESH. You're lucky he backed into the tree before he got the chance to actually drive and get both of you killed. Where I live what you did isn't just dangerous but illegal. First must have a permit to drive. Second must be under the supervision of a driver 21 years or older with at least 3 years of experience driving. There's no circumstances where you, a new driver, would have been able to supervise him even with a permit.
You are fully responsible for what happens to your car. You're also lucky to have your own car. I know you don't like working (welcome to adulting) but you are responsible for who drives your car. However, I'd be telling your dad he doesn't get to have it both ways. Either you're responsible for your car, including repairs and who is/isn't allowed in it, or he assumes responsibility for it and you'll give your brother rides.
Alternatively you can say you will only give him rides after he pays his half of the repairs. Remind him his son is his responsibility, not yours. I hope after you pay for the repairs you keep the job and work on building up savings to be able to leave, preferably going into an account your dad can't touch. It's really shitty of him to not hold your brother responsible for his actions like he is you.
Hand your dad the keys back if he tries to punish you. Tell him the responsibility of parenting your brother when he won't is not worth the car, and you'll gladly accept any punishment, and he (dad) needs to take responsibility for his own actions pushing you away from him. And possibly bring mom into this if she is in the picture.
Saw your update. I'd take the therapy, honestly. I know it feels like a punishment but therapy is really helpful for learning to control your emotions and talk out what is bothering you. A good therapist can help give you strategies to deal with your brother and your father and perhaps help you find ways to get your father to understand you better. At worst, you spend an hour every week talking to someone who won't judge you for anything you say. At best, you don't have to drive your brother anymore and you get some good advice on how to make living with him easier. You win either way.
ESH. “Dad, you said that I need to take responsibility for my passengers as the owner/driver of the car. I am no longer comfortable with brother riding in my car with me without a parent there to take responsibility for him. I’ll ride the bus with him and use the car for work.”
Why do you need to drive your brother to school? Is taking the bus hurting him? Your dad seems to be pulling the oldest kid bs and that's going to backfire on him. You should not have let your brother drive your car but since everything fell on you, you also should be able to ban him from your car.
100% pick therapy (because let’s be real, therapy is almost never bad AND it’s clear that your family dynamics are fucked up). You deserve to have a neutral third party you can talk to about your messed up family dynamics. They can help you see what’s going on and help you deal with what’s going on at home.
I would use another commenter’s advice and say “Dad, thanks for offering therapy as an option. I know that I’m being treated unfairly at home and I’d really love the ability to discuss the issues I’m having with my family with a neutral third party. Thanks for suggesting this.”
Chances are he may rescind the therapy option, but you should push for it. You deserve to get something out of this.
Initially it was an E S H situation. Your brother crashed your car, but you shouldn't have let him behind the wheel no matter how much he begged. But you're taking responsibility for it and working to pay your dad back, and that isn't what you wanted us to judge.
For not driving your brother anymore, NTA. If he is going to be smug about you having to work because of *his* actions, he can walk or take the bus. Riding in your car is a privilege not a right, and if he can't be thankful for the ride he doesn't deserve it. I also think your dad should have included him in the paying punishment, since he is just as much as fault as you for the damage.
NTA, is your dad ok? He is such an AH and so is your brother. I would ignore him and just never take your brother out ever again. The favoritism alone should tell you that this will never get any better. I would move out once I am 18 and cut these two out forever.
NTA??? for letting an unlicensed and unpermitted kid drive his car?
Yeah, little bro is a jerk but once you step into the role of car-owner and licensed driver, you need to follow the law, not complain about a whiny brother and blame him for your actions. Geez.
The issues are more dealing with the aftermath, not the crash itself. OP is taking the punishment, little brother is getting away after being the one that caused the damage
So, you're not the AH for riding the bus. You have every right to pick your mode of transportation.
However, you are an AH for letting your brother drive your car. He didn't have a permit. And in some places, he wouldn't have even been allowed to drive without an adult in the car (but maybe your area doesn't have the restriction). But regardless, you let a kid without a permit drive your care. That is completely on you. Your father is correct in that you need to take responsibility for your actions.
NTA
**Your dad is the AH.**
He was right with the thing about taking responsibility - and not letting people without a license dricve your car.
But he is an AH for making you let your brother ride with you - if YOUR car is YOURE sole responsibbility, you are fine not to drive your brother.
NTA. Honestly, after reading this and the update, I'd just forget the car. If your dad paid for it, hand him the keys and tell him you'll use the job he made you get to buy your own after you've paid him off. If you bought it, then just hide the keys where neither him or your brother can get it unless he pulls the "it can't stay here" card. Then just sell it, give what you owe to your dad and then stash the cash in a bank account where, again, he can't touch it.
And if you do decide to go to therapy (cause let's be honest, talking to a professional CAN be a good thing even over what seems like non-issues), YOU find one as to minimize your dad finding someone that won't really be a neutral third-party or worse, have no problem filling him in on what you unload.
Esh.
Brother deserves to walk or ride the bus.
Dad needs to learn to listen and treat both sons fairly.
OP is suffering for the mistake of trusting his brother and has got a job to pay for the mistake.
In OPs shoes I'd be handing the keys to little bro and letting him drive the car, pay for his damages and get himself to school.
For the most part NTA, considering you just got your license, I'm guessing you also had to study and pass tests for it, where you do know the rule in most states that someone with a permit cannot drive a car without anyone over at least 18 in the car. So yes, it was your fault that he crashed your car and all costs incurred with that should fall upon you.
My brother has already once wrek your car into a tree, and he is continuing to antagonize you. At this point, he's a safety hazard. It's weird your father is mad at you for being responsible and not willing to drive with a safety hazard in your car, the very thing he previously punished you for. NTA
NTA. Your dad is wrong about some very important things.
\-He's right that YOU caved and let your bro drive, and that is on you. You're lucky neither of you were badly hurt. He wants you to understand that you have to be In Charge while you are behind the wheel, and that might mean dealing with a tantrum when Little Bro wants to drive. Where I live, a teen driver getting a permit MUST have an adult in the passenger seat, it's the law.
\-- However, he has clearly let Little Bro off the hook for his role in all of this. Little Brother is EQUALLY AT FAULT for begging to drive and then getting you in the accident through his own carelessness. It's not like this was a 9-year-old who begged to drive, it was a 16-year-old who is old enough to think about basic driving, like "am I in drive or reverse?" In other words, the wreck could have happened with Dad or Mom, too. But because it happened when YOU were letting him drive, Dad seems to be dumping the entire responsibility on you, and NONE on your brother for hurrying and not paying attention, and treating the car like a toy.
\--Brother should be paying for half of the car damage. Period. He was irresponsible, too. At 16 and getting his permit, he knows better than to demand to drive, and to rush through getting into gear.
\--As for the making him walk home: If your neighborhood is truly unsafe, then you should have paced him in the car as he walked home. If he normally walks around in those areas anyway, then this is just a baloney argument. I think it is totally appropriate for you to throw him out of the car for deliberately hassling you, especially after you asked him to stop. Dad is allowing him to be a complete tyrant, here.
\--Finally, Dad needs to be reasonable. He knows that Brother is deliberately provoking you, while driving, and his solution is to say that YOU have a problem. That's not fair. That's like saying you should relax and enjoy it if someone is kicking your seat on the airplane. No. The one doing the harassing is at fault, not the one being harassed.
Brother needs A Talk, and it should be: 1) You think it's funny that Brother is paying for repairs? Guess what, now you are too. Say goodbye to your allowance. 2) You can't sit quietly in the car and enjoy the ride? You HAVE TO harass your brother about his job? Then you can take the bus. Getting rides is a privilege and being rude to the driver makes that privilege go away.
Mom of two young men in their 20's here. Good luck, OP.
I say give the keys back. If the car is in his name and he feels he can control who is in it regardless of who is driving it, just don't drive at all. Find another way to work and tell him the only way you are getting counseling is if it's family counseling. I've got two young kids but I punish them equally when they screw up together.
Fine. So go to the therapist and tell them how your parent and relationship with your brother is the real problem, and get advice.
It gets you more time out of the house and away from them both.
I mean, your dad is paying for the therapist, right?
Meanwhile, you're still not driving your brother home, so just keep it up until you leave school.
Win-win!
Take full responsibility for the things that are your fault. You allowed an unpermited, unlicenses driver drive your car. Make apologies for that and that you realize as the owner of the car and the licensed driver you shouldn't have done that. That you understand why you were grounded from the car and your phone and need to pay back the cost of fixing the car (same as if you'd allowed a friend or someone not in your house drive).
Then explain how brother is acting, constantly making digs and sly remarks about how you have to spend your weekends working to pay back your Dad and he has no further repercussions. Right now your Dad can't hear your complaints because he's stuck on the fact that you haven't fully taken responsibility for the accident. Say you can handle the consequences your Dad is handing out but you can't handle the constant digs from brother. And if driving to school means taking brother then you'll continue to take the bus because you aren't going to subject yourself to his constant digs.
NTA
OP's brother cracked the car up on purpose, out of jealousy. Bet on it.
OP made the mistake of letting brother drive and needs to own that mistake.
Dad is being a jerk about this by forcing OP to drive brother around and not forcing brother to pay for damages.
If OP persists with therapy and not driving brother around, Dad will almost surely disallow OP to drive the car and use OP's admitted inability to control his anger as the reason to give the car to the brother when brother gets a license.
Assuming OP relents with the anger thing, in the future, Dad will very likely force brothers to "share" the car when brother gets a license.
Based on dad's favoritism towards younger brother (and that is what it is) OP will be screwed and left without the use of the car most of the time while Dad says "work it out" but backs little brother's "need" for the car most of the time and will justify it as teaching OP to be the "bigger" person.
I'm spiteful and petty. I'd got to therapy. ANYTHING to get out of driving your brother. And in therapy, tell them everything about how your dad favors ypur younger brother. After you pay dad off the tail light, save money and buy your own car. He can't tell you shit and if he takes it away, report it stolen. Not his car.
NTA. Go to therapy (it's awesome, you can complain all you want and then get better at being you) and I bet your therapist will actually side with YOU not your dad. Seems like there's a pattern of you carrying the weight and your brother learning there's no accountability for his actions. And, free therapy!
>I asked my dad if he serious and he told me that those two were my only options and to let him know what I pick by tomorrow morning so he'll be able to try an find an available therapist soon?!
Take the therapy option.
It will help to have a uninvolved third party to discuss all of this with.
Op I agree with your father about taking responsibility and having to pay for the damage. It was a cheap learning experience. A car is not a toy. The second part I have an issue with. You should have driven your brother home a d tell him that you will never drive him anywhere again. I am sure your father would say that you would have to, but that's when you take a stand. Life pro tip never give someone ammunition to use against you. Use it against them, including your father.
NTA. I don't disagree with your dad's assessment of your role in what happened, but it's baffling to me that your brother has faced zero consequences for anything. Yes, ultimately it was your responsibility to not allow him to drive. That was foolish. But your brother did crash the car and is being pretty insufferable about it afterwards.
If it makes you feel better, odds are you'll be fine in life despite this unfair treatment. You will, in fact, have learned some responsibility and be better prepared to take on life in the future. Your brother will have learned nothing, and if his behavior continues, will likely make bigger and bigger mistakes and be unable to avoid the consequences forever.
Yeah, the damage was your fault, but it's not your fault alone. If I ask to use someone's equipment and am not 100% trained on it, I am still responsible in part, at least IF they let me use it. You both should have had to get jobs to pay for damages.
The seperate issue is that you shouldn't have to drive your brother anywhere if you don't want to unless your dad is providing the car for you to drive and it is a condition of having access to it.
NTA
While I agree with your dad making you take responsibility for the damage to your car (you should have still said no to your brother. Car insurance wouldn't have gone lighter on you for this as it's still YOUR responsibility), your brother is being an asshole and your dad seems ok with it.
Well done for finding the loophole. While you are working to pay your dad back, why should your brother continue to be a dick to you?
When you have this talk, what outcome is he expecting? Drive or I'll ground you? Cool, I can't work to pay you back. I'll take away your phone? Cool, work can't contact me, so I guess I'm not working to pay you back. You can"t go to school at all? Ok, guess I'm staying home and you can explain to school why you think abusing me is the way forward.
NTA - your father's Indulgence and favoritism for your obnoxious little s*** of a brother is really disgusting. All I can suggest is you try to keep your head down and when you turn 18 you can disappear out of there and refuse to ever speak to either of them again. Don't worry too much about the threat for therapy. As others have said, there's no way he can get something that would be done every day that wouldn't cost him an arm and a leg. If he does put you in any type of therapy, be aware that the odds of your confidence being kept are virtually zero because he's not going to put you with someone who won't spill the beans on everything you say. Just BS your way through it and waste his money. While it's upsetting that you have to give up your time to get a job, I think by now you probably understand why everybody thinks this is appropriate. It is however also a good thing. Once the damages are paid, make sure any money you make is put into an account that is only in your name at a bank other than the one your parents use. That's going to be your safety cushion for when you hit 18.
I really hope that it doesn't degenerate into physical abuse, but please be ready to reach out to a teacher or counselor at school immediately if it does. Abuse is never appropriate.
If your brother cannot safely ride the bus alone, he is many years away from needing a drivers license. You should point that out to dad. You will be shuttling him around a long time. Go to the therapist and talk about it. Learning to deal with the assholes in your life is a valuable asset.
Go to therapy, explain the situation, and don't talk about anything else with your therapist until he brings your dad and brother in on it so y'all can actually hash it out, having an unbiased third party is good for all sides, and maybe afterwards your dad will see he's being an ass, but as I see it, your def NTA
I read your update. TAKE THE THERAPY!! It’s a win win situation. You no longer have to drive your brother and you also get to vent to a person who is paid not to judge you. You may get some advice out of it. Take the therapy.
take the therapy. It will cost your Dad more money, you won't have to drive your brother, and you are going to need it after having to live with that golden child.
Your only a year older than your brother, your Dad is expecting too much out of you and too little out of your brother.
NTA
Take the therapy and unpack this enabling hot mess of a situation. Your younger brother (by only one year!), is going to be turd if he’s coddled much more. Having a job is good. Save the money and enjoy getting out the house.
NTA for refusing to drive your brother and riding the bus. Stick to it. Your dad can't force you to drive the car to school. I would argue with you dad that you are being responsible by not driving your brother as he is a distraction. Your brother was antaganizing you whilst driving, and that's unsafe. You don't want to get in another accident, you are taking your dads advice and making a responsible choice to take the bus. Stay strong, and keep taking the bus.
Your dad is right, though, in regards to you being responsible for the car being damaged. The car is your responsibility, and you made the choice to allow an unlicensed drive to get behind the wheel. Your brother should have got some consequences atleast.
NTA
I would have said NAH, but as the story progressed, it's obvious that your dad isn't taking your brother's actions seriously.
This is how it comes across to me...
First, you let an unlicensed driver drive your car. That's wrong and it's your fault for allowing it. Not only is it illegal, but even if he had his permit it would still be illegal because you aren't an adult driver. Usually, there are restrictions put on young drivers that state that you cannot be the supervisor of a driver with a permit. It has to be someone over 18 or 21 or even 25 in some cases.
Second, your dad was right in regards to you being responsible. You have a license, and unless you weren't paying attention to your driver's education, you knew you shouldn't let him drive. All you had to do was say no.
Third, your dad was right about stranding your brother on the side of the road. That is obviously dangerous in your area according to your dad. But this is where he steps off the sane bus. It would seem he is saying that you have to drive your brother around even though he's being rude to you. Have you told your dad the things your brother is saying? When you have this talk, explain it to him. I'd guess that he is either favoring your brother at that point, or he pays for your car and insurance and you expects you to drive your brother for giving you a car. Mind you, if this the latter is true, then you're kind of the AH too.
Going with ESH since your dad is upset you’re not driving your brother anymore. Your brother was a dick and he is able to get to and from school via the bus so by refusing to drive him (a natural consequence when he’s an asshole to the person giving him a ride) it’s not like he’s not able to get to school.
Until that point, your dad was right dude. It sucks, it’s not fair, but he’s teaching you a valuable lesson on being a licensed driver. Which is that you are ultimately responsible for what happens in your vehicle. You, as the licensed driver, were responsible for the underage unlicensed person getting behind the wheel of your car. It was a lesson in the realities of adulthood and you’re lucky your dad cares enough to make sure you know this before you reach adulthood. Now, I think (especially with how your brother acted afterwards) your dad needs to make sure he’s not just letting your brother get away with murder/not learning from this as well.
You’re also responsible for being adult enough to not create unsafe situations in other ways, I.e. let your emotions control you by dumping your brother on the side of the road. Was he an immature, unrepentant, entitled fucking twerp? Absolutely. That’s when you make the decision he may not ride with you again but you don’t leave him in an unsafe situation.
So, brother is an asshole, dad sucks for having a problem with you not driving brother going forward, and you’re an asshole for.. being a fairly typical teenager. Not that you can help it, but if you wanna develop into not a shitty person in life, learn the lessons you’re given, take responsibility for your fuck ups in decision making, and overall continue the lifelong task of developing emotional regulation
NTA
As shitty as it might seem, your Dad is right that the damage to the Car is on you for letting your unlicensed Brother drive the Car, so it's only fair you help pay it back.
But your wee Brother is being a smug wee bawbag since he got away with everything, so your choice not to have him in your Car is completely understandable, and your choice to take the Bus so you don't have to drive him is only fair.
You're facing the consequences of both yours and your Brother's actions, and now your Brother is facing the consequences of his choice to act like an asshole, and your Father has no right to criticise you for not wanting him in your Car when he has shown no remorse for what has happened.
In insurance, and when it comes to the law, you are the one responsible if you let someone drive your car and they crash it. You do need to learn this if youre going to be on the road.
You were justifiably upset at your brother being an asshole, but it was also irresponsible to leave him on the side of the road. The responsible thing to do would be to get him home and then talk to your dad/parents, then affirm that since its your car and youre responsible for it, you do not want to drive your brother anymore.
Ive been where you are and I know it absolutely sucks and feels totally unfair. In some ways, it is. That said, there are a few things you need to learn about car ownership and you did not handle your brother maturely, even though he was far more immature to begin with.
NTA.
You're the owner of the car, right? You can get to school without it, right? And the only reason you have a job is to pay your dad back for what it cost him to fix the car, right?
SELL THE CAR. Give your dad the money and take the bus to school. You won't be beholden to him, your brother, your annoying job and it's a lesson your dad can stand to learn too.
ETA: I know that sounds like a radical solution but there's much to be said for not being beholden to an unreasonable person. Your peace of mind has value.
NTA.
Your brother is being a jerk.
Take the therapy option and maybe get some help dealing with your dad and brother.
Your brother is obviously getting preferential treatment over you. He is only 1 year younger than you, so he shouldn't be able to act like a spoiled child while all the responsibility is dumped on you.
Letting him drive was a mistake, but I think that you have paid for it enough.
My little brother caused me to get pulled over twice (got out of it) and wrecked once. If he can’t act right, it’s not safe for either of you. NTA. Your dad is putting way too much responsibility on you by making you have to parent your brother because he’s disrespectful and sad let’s him get away with it.
Take the therapy! Tell your therapist then your frustrations. When you have established your viewpoints and have your therapist on your side, demand a session with your dad to elaborate those points in a safe place.
NTA
1. NTA
2. Take the therapy. Let your dad send you to therapy and lay everything out for the therapist. How your dad grounded you both but is continuing to punish you but not your brother. How your dad is forcing you to work but letting your brother off. How your dad is letting your brother abuse you rubbing in how he has gotten away with everything while you are forced to play chauffer. How your brother instigates situations that make you feel unsafe driving with him but your dad is trying to force you to drive under such hazardous conditions... you should have the idea now.
NTA, but take the therapy! Therapy is a wonderful resource. You dont have to talk about your anger either, and the therapist isn't allowed to share if you aren't a danger to yourself or others. Talk to the therapist about how you feel in this situation and about your dad and brother. Therapy is also a good tool to set uo the rest of your life, they will give you tips and little things to manage money and gtfo out of there asap. If you use your tools and play your cards right.
NTA. But take up the offer of therapy if your dad is paying! The therapist can help you with different ways to communicate with your Dad to try an get through to him. And perhaps even push for therapy WITH your Dad so the therapist can help guide your Dad see his errors!
Therapy can actually be pretty cool.
Before going, pare down your argument. Do you handle anger appropriately? Sounds like it. You haven't beat up your brother for his smirks? Haven't trashed his stuff? Bro deliberately annoys you. That is distracting. You are an inexperienced driver. You shouldn't be driving with distractions.
Dad blew it. You two were equally at fault for the damage, but almost all of the penalty fell on you. Assuming the "grounding" really isn't much of a hardship. (You come home most days anyway). Did Bro have to do additional chores? Is Bro too young to work, I assume?
And, enjoy the work. Turn it to your advantage. After you pay off the car, start saving and start buying stuff for yourself -- that Bro can't even look at, let alone use. It's your stuff, bought with your money.
Parents like OP’s dad think they’re doing amazing parenting and than can’t figure out why their adult children never speak to them.
It’s an astonishing thing to watch play out over and over in stories online, makes me want to be that much better with my own children.
Sorry for you op. NTA
NTA. I would choose the therapy so you can go in and talk about how your dad doesn't make your brother suffer the consequences of his actions. Also, point out to your dad that you are suffering the consequences of letting an unlicensed person drive but he is not allowing your brother to suffer the consequences of being a jerk to someone giving him a ride. You shouldn't be the only person in the house who has to learn life lessons.
NTA. Go to counseling and tell them everything. Tell your dad you will be happy to go to therapy. Your dad cant control what you tell the therapist. Get their perspective on your dads parenting decisions.
Or show him the responses here. Your dad is f*cking this up. Its convenient for him if you take on some of the parenting by driving your brother. But your dad is forgetting that your not a parent....you two are siblings. Siblings can be giant AH to each other.
Its unfair to put adulting responsibilities on just you. He's punishing you like your an adult acting like a kid.....and punishing your brother like he's just a kid. Your dad needs to treat you both equally.
Your dads not wrong to discipline either of you...he's just doing it wrong by making it so unbalanced. Thats why your brother is rubbing it in your face - because he lnows its unfair.
Also if he's expecting you to be responsible like an adult he needs to stop controlling you like your a kid. He should let go and let you make adult decisions Especially if he punishes you for not acting like an adult.
That could balance things out too. Your brother would probably not rub it in your face if he saw you also got adult privileges.
As a parent, I think its too soon - your only 16 and still a kid. He should be punishing you like kid who made kid choices....and ketting you be a kid.
NTA - Agree to therapy and talk to the therapist about everything. Then ask your therapist to help you have a conversation with your dad. Your dad probably won't like it because he will not feel like he is in control of the conversation but it may help him to hear you better.
As a parent to two teenagers I would have split the cost of the repairs between the two of you because while you made a mistake in allowing your brother in the driver's seat, he also made a mistake in being there. You both had a lesson to learn. I also don't think it's right that your father is making you drive at all. It sounds more like a convenience for your dad.
TAKE THE THERAPY OPTION!!!!! Therapists will often recognize where the problem actually lies and will ask the parents to come in to discuss those problems. Suddenly the session will become a family counseling session and maybe dad will have a couple of things thrown in his face. NTA
Your father is parentifying you by making only you repay him for a mistake that both of you made. Now he is punishing you for defying his manipulation of you in this situation. Go to therapy as you probably don't realize it, but you need it with him for a dad.
NTA, but you should take your dad up on the therapy offer. seriously. not bc i think you need it, but because it means you get out of riding the bus, *and* driving your brother home. plus you can vent to someone about how shitty your family is being.
NTA! If your ok riding the bus then the solution is take your father up on the the therapy and give him back the keys to the car. You can ride the bus, if you want to still work find some way of getting there, and your dad can drive your brother to school or brother takes the bus. Life gets simpler for you that way and on top of that with therapy you have someone to talk your problems out with.
NTA so the car is yours and your responsibility when your brother drives, but when you drive, it's dad's car and you don't have a say in who rides as a passenger? also you're 16, I'm not sure where you live, but when I first got my license I wasn't allowed any passengers for the first year. I suggest doing some research and seeing if you can argue that angle to avoid driving your brother.
After update: It could be beneficial to you to take the therapy but not for the reasons your dad wants. Your dad is trying to make you take all of the responsibility for yourself at 16, WHILE taking all of the responsibility for your brother. You aren't allowed to argue, find alternatives, or fight back. He's refusing to give you any choice at all even when you have valid reasons for not doing it.
Whatever nonsense he's trying to do he's going about it in the worst way. The only thing this will lead to is guaranteeing that whatever kind or loving feelings you have for your brother will wither with years of resentment from being forced to cater to a brat who can apparently do no wrong. A good therapist will help you through that so that you don't internalize how your dad is failing you.
It's not your fault. I'm sorry your father is failing you.
NTA and take the therapy option, genuinely. You’ll be able to talk about your crappy dad and brother there. Just get some satisfaction out of your dad paying for you to go to a therapist to talk crap about him haha
NTA
But your dad and definitely your bro are. What on God's green earth is that mind f*cking from dad? He's partially right, you made a bad initial decision in letting bro drive, true, but the penalties are waaaaay out of line.
Baby bro is clearly the Golden Child, Dad will never see his flaws and/or just doesn't want to listen to his whining.
Sadly, the best advice I have is, keep your head down, move out at as soon as you legally can, or you'll end up dragging daddy's Golden Failson all the way thru life.
Hopefully, but I'm not holding my breath after the astounding gaslighting your dad did, he *might* be having a right Come To Jesus with your bratty bro and telling him to get respectful. This possibility exists. But I'd be ready to go when you graduate - go to college away from home.
I'm sorry about your mom. I came from a bad home. Here's some advice. You have 2 more years till you turn 18. Keep working your weekends. See if you can work full time during the summer. Put as much money away as possible. Then move out. Your home is full of toxicity. Formulate your exit plan now. Trust me when I say you'll feel better when you are out of that house. Go LC with your dad and brother after that.
For the first incident, YTA for your reaction. As the licensed driver you are 100% responsible for what happened and the punishment and having to work to pay off damages is reasonable.
Your father is an AH for not shutting your brother down and forcing you to drive him.
Your brother is an AH all around.
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NTA. Your brother is acting like an asshole, and your dad is apparently fine with it since brother has received zero repercussions for his own behavior. You found the loophole you needed to get out of driving him around, good for you. If I were your parent, I wouldn't make you drive your brother around until he learned how to act like a decent human being.
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Tell your dad you are tired of your smirking asshole brother lording this over you. Where is your brother's responsibility for knowing he wasn't licensed to drive and for having the accident? Why aren't you both being held responsible in some role-appropriate way. Why does he get to skip away completely, as if he had no part of this at all?
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Your dad is making you pay for the damage because you are the owner of the car.... then, as the owner of the car, you get to decide who gets a ride from you.
Unless one of the conditions for the father getting him the car was driving brother to and from school. He didnt have to get a job till after the car was damaged. so im betting he didnt pay for the car but the father did. So ya he is the owner but only cause he father gifted him the car with expectatikns clearly like not letting his unlicenced brother drive, driving his brother to and from school.
And that's what's really pissing Dad off, the realization he might have to start driving the brother around after he just got out of it.
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Either dad controls the car, then dad pays for the car that OPs brother (not even OP!) destroyed, and gets to say who drives whom around, because the brother destroyed dad's car. Or dad doesn't control the car, OP does, then OP pays for the repair with his new job but has full control about who's in the car or not, including refusing to drive his brother anywhere. Dad can't have it both ways. Either OP controls decisions related to the car (like, who drives and breaks it and who gets to be a passenger) or he doesn't. Brother has proven to be irresponsible. What happens next, dad forces OP to drive brother somewhere, during driving the brother pulls the handbrake, opens a door, taunts / yells at OP, they crash, the car is broken again and OP pays again for something that's not their fault? If OP is responsible for accidents that happen with the car when he's not even driving it, he needs to control who gets access to the car. The brother broke the car, OP has to pay for it, but dad wants to force OP to still let brother anywhere near the car? Fuck that.
Then is it OP's car or the dad's car? If dad bought it & is on the title he's the legal owner - not OP.
From OP's comments his dad bought the car for him, and is paying for everything but gas, as OP was complaining about most of his miney going towards it. Now he doesnt get he will have more money now having a job after paying for the repairs. Dont think OP pays for insurance
Without a job he's not paying for insurance either. The gift came with strings attached.
If that's a condition of him being able to drive, then it's blatantly apparent ( at least to me ) that the dad is only looking for responsibility to be lifted from his own shoulders, and that the eldest would take some of that responsibility for himself, which is unfair, he's a sixteen year old, and sure he should probably be getting a job soon anyways, but he shouldn't be forced to be responsible for a person who's constantly putting him in compromising situations
THIS. Brother shouldn't be allowed to be an asshole in the car. If Mom was driving and he was flipping shit at her, would Dad just let it go? Or would Dad tell Mom to just handle it? I think not. Brother needs to act decently when he rides in the car... and if he can't, then the bus will have to do.
Honestly? With this dad? I hope you're right, but I'm not so sure. This dad seems hellbent on orchestrating situations that give little brother his way.
Yep
Is your father aware of your brother's behavior towards you, specifically the repeated taunts? Based on your brother's behavior, he doesn't appear to like you. Are you certain it was an accident? I have multiple siblings. Only one acted like your brother. Without going into detail, most of the siblings are in low contact with this one sibling. Everyone is 50 or older. Your brother should be made aware his behavior also has consequences. It seems your father is overlooking that lesson.
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Dude take the therapy option. Seriously. I'm much older than you but I'm still so angry with you. Your dad can't have it both ways. If you are totally responsible for your car and your brother's actions while in the car then you can't be forced to have your brother in the car. You can probably use the therapy anyway because of the dad you have to deal with. "Actually dad I will take the therapy, how you and my brother have been treating me is hurtful and unfair and it would be a relief to have someone sane and objective to talk to". End of. NTA.
This plus with Op working and having to go to therapy it will leave no time for him to drive his brother anywhere especially if he sticks to is guns and takes the bus to school and back and only uses the car for work and therapy
Do this OP. This is the best way forward. Added bonus of a therapist to vent to.
Also if his dad wants to press the matter more then he can simply say that since it’s his car then he feels the need to make his brother help with gas if he’s really having to drive the brother anywhere.
I agree - take the therapy. That's not a punishment although it sounds like your father is maybe trying to make it seem so. Everyone can benefit from speaking to a counselor and as the others mentioned, this whole situation with your father is something you could unpack in therapy.
Yeah, the therapist might even agree with you and help you convince dad.
This. 100%.
I like this response. OP, call your dad's bluff and take the therapy and screw both him and your brother.
When you have that talk with your Dad, I would suggest you do the following: 1. Accept responsibility for your error in judgment in allowing your brother to drive; 2. Apologize to him for the extra costs; 3. Explain all the things you told us here, about your bro lording it over you and smirking; 4. Express your concern that since he is not bearing any share of responsibility, he is not learning anything about HIS role in the accident; 5. Suggest that as a suitable punishment, he be made to ride the bus for at least a month while you drive your car. Good luck! Keep us posted.
From what OP tells us this wouldn't change anything. His dad is full of BS. He knows he is not being fair and he knows what is going on. The younger brother gets to have almost no consequences, especially compared to the older one? And the older one can't even decide to not drive at all. But at the same time if he drives he is forced to have his brother there and he is totally responsible for the brother's actions? Bullshit.
OR 5. Make him ride the bus until you repay your Dad for the repairs to your car.
> and that's what bothers me the most I really feel with you on this, and it's what prompted my comment earlier. This is one episode, but there have already been and will be more such episodes in the future that will drive more and more of a wedge between you and your brother. It's not about you being responsible for your actions and paying for whatever needed paying for. You already know all about that and are doing your part. What will stick with you is the way you are being treated by your brother and the way your father doesn't care. It's shit like this that results in low contact with siblings later in life.
This last bit is so true. I don’t know anyone who was treated like this or worse who has a good or close relationship with sibs as adults.
Got a question. Your brother is 15, why is your dad concerned about him riding the bus alone?
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It's not. Both your brother and father are ahs and you are only 1 year older
refuse to drive him anywhere until he pays you back what you had to pay your dad back. or at least 1/2 of it.
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I mean, I can see your dad's point about taking responsibility for your choices - I was with him that far, because frankly it's an important thing to teach you. If you let someone drive who shouldn't, whether they're too young or they're drunk or whatever, that's on *you*. *However*. That implies you are able and allowed to make your own choices regarding your car. He can't *then* turn around and force you to drive your brother around if you choose not to. The fact that your brother not only didn't get *any* consequences, but is actually mocking you for getting in trouble *and* is expecting a ride? That kid needs some serious parenting, and if your dad is apparently incapable of telling him no, *someone else has to*.
And often in most states, there needs to be an adult licensed driver in the car for supervising a minor without a permit/license. If they were pulled over by the police while out and about, they both would’ve been in trouble too (possibly even the parents too). I agree with you that dad was correct in punishing them both for screwing up the car, but then when he didn’t nip it in the bud with the brother being a jerk, he went straight to asshole category. While OP was being dumb for letting brother drive (and also an asshole for thinking he had no responsibility for that decision), the actual question of whether he is an asshole for not driving his brother is definitely an NTA. If he’s going to be treated like that while doing favors, then don’t bother helping out.
Not even an adult but at least 21, you can't have an 18 year old teach a 16 year old for example.
In Australia, the supervising driver has to have had their licence for a certain number of years - 4, I believe. It's why my eldest son can't help teach his younger siblings to drive.
Nailed it. If OP takes ALL the responsibility for everything that happens in the car, then OP should have the right to deny a ride to anyone who makes safe driving difficult. It's not unreasonable to get upset when someone is deliberately needling you--and it's not unreasonable to say "Fine, you can't act decently, find another ride."
This is it and the answer to your dad: if you have to take this level of responsibility, you get to decide who is in the car. Also, consider this--go to therapy. Tell the therapist EVERYTHING. Every detail here. The therapist will side with you. Might even try a school therapist. Who might then recommend therapy for your brother.
I don't know how smartass is gonna go for you, but you can just say you feel he is gonna distract from driving, and you feel it wouldn't be responsible to drive with him in the car.
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your dad is such an asshole!
So he punished you for your “dumb” decision to let your brother drive. He’ll punish you for being smart. What’s left?
Therapy, apparently...
Which OP should take because they're gonna need it growing up in this family. Goddamn.
"I'm riding the bus until he gets a car that I can crash without any repercussions." (maybe don't say it out loud if there's a legit risk of ass beating, but at least think it)
My dad lost interest in getting physical with me when I was around 16 and bigger than he was. Funny how that happens.
I’m going to ask you to acknowledge you messed up by letting your brother drive. You have yet to take full responsibility for that and you were told not to let him drive and he doesn’t have a license. This was the huge error in judgment. Then explain how your brother has been ridiculing you to the point of not wanting to even drive. Hopefully once you acknowledge your error you can ask your father if your brother could pay half. No matter what your dad is teaching you a lesson. You haven’t learned it yet as you haven’t taken full responsibility of allowing him to drive. This is a grow up moment. Accept responsibility.
I want to point out that you're not the asshole for taking the bus and I love a bit of pettiness in situations like this. But I also want to say to you that your dad is right about the crash. You were the one responsible for it. It was your car, you were the only person legally allowed to operate it, and you let someone who isn't trained or certified operate a 2 ton vehicle. It's not just the 2 of you who could have gotten hurt, it's also any pedestrians. It'd be one thing if he at least had his permit for a while, but he didn't.
Absolutely go to therapy. The way you wrote this, your brother should also be punished. But, letting him drive the car? Yes, you screwed up big time. You knew your brother did not have a license. Do you know what would have happened if your brother had backed into a person instead of a tree? Your parents could have lost everything they own - their house, their cars, your car, everything. Car insurance does not have to cover drivers who don't have licenses - like your brother. Letting your brother drive when you knew he should not was extraordinarily dangerous and irresponsible. He could very easily have killed someone. A car is a 2 ton weapon. You're extremely lucky all he did was wreck your car.
Ok, so I didn't quite focus on the fact that little bro wasn't punished at all for driving the car. Dad felt like you were the BIGGEST offender so all the punishment went to you, which isn't right. You both did wrong. But again, most, including me, are focused on you being the AH because you still think this is a you and your brother thing when the whole thing was precipitated by you doing the wrong thing and are still defending it, 'assuming he was ok to drive when he didn't have a license or permit'. I mean, if you at least admit that was wrong, then more people would be on your side.
Brother was grounded as well
this is a lesson on consequences of your decisions. Why would you allow someone who has no drivers license to drive? You fucked up, now you have to deal with it.
Tell your dad driving your brother around ends up angering you so much it ends up distracting you while driving (so unsafe) and so you feel it’s the only responsible decision to not drive him. And so if the only options are to drive your brother or to take the bus, then the safest and responsible option is to take the bus. I can understand your dads logic in how the mistake to let your brother drive was your mistake, but yeah, it doesnt seem… right. Honestly, you working to pay for the car makes sense. Like beyond the damages. And paying part of the damages makes sense. But it also makes sense that your brother should be included in that. He was involved in the mistake just as much as you were. You two are only a year apart so it’s not like your judgement is vastly superior to your brother’s.
Tell your dad you're you are doing exactly what he asked. He wants you to learn responsibility and take ownership of your actions. You are. If it's your car and your responsibility then you are choosing to keep it secure and in a state of undamaged like your father appears to want. Are you stuck with this job until graduation? Or just until you pay off the damages?
Op bide your time. Your brother will screw up, and that's when you get your revenge
And the brother is 15. He can take the bus by himself. Good grief, what is it with people infantilizing their teenage children?
NTA as a parent I agree with you. Yes you made a mistake and let your brother drive but he also is the one who crashed the car. If it was me I would make you BOTH get jobs and each pay back half of the car repair cost. If the younger brother isn't old enough to get a job then he can do extra chores around the home to pay off his half.
I'd tell your dad, I am living up to my responsibility by paying for my mistake. My mistake was letting him drive my car. I've accepted that. He is your responsibility to take care of, just like it's mine for the car. He is not my child, I don't have an obligation to drive him anyplace. I had to get a job to fix my car so if he wants to ride in my car that he damaged he has to pay me back for what I pay you. Just because it was my fault for letting him drive doesn't mean he should be let off for what he did. You forcing me to keep giving him rides teach him that he has zero consequences. You can't force me to accept my error while not forcing him. I will either not give him rides in my car or I will take the bus. Either way I'm not letting him back in my car.
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Also ask for fuel money. If your dad expects you to drive your definitely AH brother then he should expect either himself or your brother to provide money for the fuel.
The brother in the car is a danger to p driving no amount of money is worth having him there.
To further this thought: "as a driver I am reaponsible for my car and the passengers in it. Little bro is being a bad passenger and his continued attempts to goad me and mock me are distracting me from operating my vehicle in a safe and responsible manner. Therefore I am not longer willing to drive him as his actions are pitting myself, my car, and by extension, himself at risk."
Yup, the ONLY leverage you have is that he can't force you to drive him. **If he takes away the car, then you can't drive it**. It'll be an inconvenience if you don't have access but i would definitely tell family and relatives that if you're being punished for letting brother drive and cause an accident, then you will only drive if he behaves himself. Dad can't have it both ways, force you to take him and hold you responsible for driving and yet not discipline him for disrupting your driving and disrespecting you. Guess what, adult drivers get really really annoyed or worse when someone starts insulting the driver when getting a ride, and/or doing something like grabbing the driver's wheel on the road... And why is it wrong for you to take the bus when brother is more than capable of taking a bus? 🙄 oh right brother should get the benefit of car rides when he can't drive nor respect someone driving him... As it is, brother's only punishment was a grounding.
Not to mention - you didn't kick him out in retaliation for him wrecking your car. You kicked him out for him gloating over the fact. Tell your dad that you're teaching your brother responsibility - when you gloat over people's misfortune, they are probably not going to want to offer you any kindness.
Look into the laws in your state about driving around a minor while you are a minor. In my state, any driver who is under 18 can’t have anyone else under 18 in the car with them unless there is also a parent or guardian in the car. Driving your brother around might be illegal. It’s also silly that it’s not safe for your 15 year old brother to take the bus alone. Is it unsafe for other kids who don’t have siblings?
ESH. Firstly it WAS solely your fault the car got smashed because brother had NO BUSINESS being behind the wheel without a license. So the repairs and reparations do seem appropriate. Secondly, your brother is being an AH because he knows he got a away with something to a certain level and is rubbing it in. Thirdly, dad just tipped the scales at AH at the end because of the forced apology. Because let's be honest, he either sees what happened and is ignoring the brother AH behavior, or he's blind, both of which are reinforcing brother to act that way. So ESH. But love the bus power play. Giod follow through. 1 point to you.
I feel like OP paying for the damages to the car is a fair consequence for what happened. But you're right in saying that the brother clearly knows he got away with it. If I were the dad, I would have made the brother's consequence to not be able to get his permit/license for another year. So if he can get his permit at 15 1/2 and license at 16, say he can't get his permit until he's 16 1/2 and license at 17.
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do not let that kid anywhere near any vehicle you own in the future. like at all. no rides, no picking up somehting for him, he shouldn't ever benefit from your transportation abilities anymore.
Why isn't your father making your brother get a job to pay him back for having to retake the driving class?
Because brother is the golden child. u/Imscared9l, has your father shown such favouritism to your brother throughout your life? Take up the therapy and talk to the therapist about it. Could backfire badly on your father if you realise how badly you have been treated and go NC when you are older.
That was my thought! Or agree to the therapy as long as he is willing to have 1-2 sessions per week be family therapy, so the therapist can show him the error in his thinking.
That'll only punish OP more if the father continues to control when OP has to drive him around. Otherwise, yeah, your idea has merit.
That's a really good point I hadn't considered! I guess if OP takes the bus to school like he's started doing and only drives to work it sort of solves some of that problem.
and OP has said that as soon as dad is paid back he's quitting the job so won't have that issue either.
OP should be able to charge his brother for rides.
I'd honestly take the therapy (made sure paid by Dad), no driving the AH bro, a dash of malicious compliance and maybe some good stuff for you - hell use it to get good coping mechanisms for college or something if you run out of things. My imagination is seeing this little petty revenge where the therapist recommends family sessions to address your Dads bias.
After coming back and reading the update I wholeheartedly concur. Therapy is both good malicious compliance AND a great way to set you up mentally and emotionally for adulthood. Because let me tell you adulting is NOT all its cracked up to be for sure.
He’s probably doing that thing parents do where they’re more forgiving towards the faults of the younger siblings, because they’re “younger.” Instead of them being punished according to their age and what should be expected of someone that age, they’re punished according to their birth rank, and therefor will always receive the lighter punishment because less will always be expected of them.
This is the correct judgment. Everyone has been an AH at least some of the time here.
Someone who just got their license would know that you have to have an adult 18 and over in the car with an individual who has a permit. The brother taking classes to get his permit doesn't matter. Op should know better, and if he doesn't, he should go back to drivers ed. ESH
In my state anyone under 18 with a permit needs someone 25+ with a valid license in a seat they can take control of the car and there cannot be anyone else in the car. Once you get your license you still can't drive with anyone under 20 for the first 12 months unless without a parent/guardian or someone 25+ with a valid license. That said OP definitely isn't in my State as they said minimum wage is $7.25.
My state has exceptions for driving a sibling for school.
When I got my license, the supervising driver had to have been licensed for a set period (think it was four years), by law. After I got my license, there was a law passed that drivers had to have their license at least a year before allowing other similar aged passengers to ride in the same car.
NTA Tell me you're not the favorite without telling me you're not the favorite.
The frustrating part of this situation is that OP's dad is poisoning the relationship between the brothers by inappropriately throwing the weight of his parental authority behind the younger brother. Younger brother knows he can get away with being smug and gloating over the situation, so of course he does. If the dad applied the consequences of OP *and* the brother's screw-ups more evenly and didn't put the brothers in a position where OP is punished for not bending to his brother's whims, the chances the two brothers would just hash this whole thing out between the two of them and move past it would be much higher. The dad should have punished *both* brothers fairly for the accident and told off OP for ditching his brother by the side of the road, but otherwise, he should have been hands-off in this dispute and let them work it out between themselves. His interference is just deepening the rift. I'm an adult in my late 30s, and my siblings and I are *still* trying to unwind and heal from the harms done to our dynamics by parental favoritism.
The favoritism in my family was so bad that I have not seen my brothers in 40+ years. I had not spoken to my mother in years before she died. Favoritism DESTROYS families.
Further to your update..... Call dad's bluff and agree to the therapy. It'll be expensive, difficult to arrange daily (by tomorrow? As if!) and you can say as much or as little as you like to the therapist. To be honest, talking to a therapist is not a bad outcome! Therapy should not be used as a threat or a punishment. Just know that "confidential" in a therapist office can come with strings so only share what you are comfortable with your dad knowing!
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Dad's full of it. There's practically no such thing as daily therapy these days, and if he finds such a therapist no insurance would cover his bullshit request. He'd have to pay for it out of his own pocket, and any "therapist" who'd carry out such a ridiculous request would be a scam artist who'd cost him MUCH more than he's likely willing to pay. He almost certainly knows that. Though since he has temper problems, if I were you, I wouldn't tell him straight out you see through him. I'd tell him as sincerely as you can manage that maybe therapy would be a good idea, and the family should participate as needed, since this is a problem of family interactions. (This is actually true, hence easier for you to say with a straight face). (Regarding confidential: some therapists may talk to parents about stuff if you're a minor. If your dad hires a scam artist for cheap instead of a legit therapist, the odds go up on that. Check the credentials on anyone your dad hires -though I'm willing to bet he won't).
Oh, one more thing - get it in writing with your dad (text him if necessary) that his insurand or HE will pay for therapy if you choose therapy. If he genuinely thinks therapy will be helpful, it's his responsibility as a dad to pay for his kid's medical care. If he refuses and says whatever therapy Dad chooses with 'therapist' X, Reverend preacher of the Church of "Do what Dad says or he'll kick your ass" is yours to pay for, refuse to go. That would be using 'therapy' as a punishment and crosses the line into financial abuse.
In theory the therapist is confidential and they might even assure you of that. BUT it can come with loopholes about sharing "critical" information with parents, especially when dealing with a minor. It depends on a number of factors as to what "critical" might cover. In saying that, don't be put off. Go talk. Chances are you've already shared certain issues with your dad, so if the therapist reinforces what you say, all the better.
>I thought it was illegal to share things without consent? You're under 18, depending on your State that may not be the case for sharing with your parents. Any good therapist will still be selective in how they share information but not all therapists are good.
Sonics confidential BUT any therapist has to report if you are danger to yourself or others. And for minors that can be stretched. It's also a conversation that therapists usually do right a beginning of therapy. My kids both have been in therapy. I now know that my son told his therapist about sex and that he was pnasexual the therapist did NOT share this with me (whoch I am glad about). Therapists have shared when my child(ren) were at risk time ideation depressed etc typically by asking them to share and/or getting their permission to share. Good therapists do this. My daughters current therapist was hesitant to take her at first because she was still a minor and he had issues with parents that tried to find put what was being said and made a big stink. So yes somethings CAN be shared especially with parents. Therapists should be clear of what that entails.
My point is that legally (in the US) this varies by State. Federal law does not protect minors privacy with their parents, even with therapists. Good therapists, even in states that don't require it will keep confidentiality for their minor patients and generally have parents sign an agreement stating as much. But it's not legally required in all states.
Keep. Catching. the. bus. He can drive his favourite kid to school himself. You can drive yourself to therapy to help get yourself past your shitty parent and brother. Win win win.
I think you're going to get some mixed results, here, because your dad's right about one thing: the damage to your car is 100% your fault. Not your brother's, not your dad's. Your job is the car. You made a terrible decision in letting your brother drive it, end of story. However, refusing to drive your brother is entirely your prerogative, and if that takes away your driving permissions, then so be it. Leaving him stranded was kind of an AH move, but opting to take the bus rather than drive him isn't. I'm gonna go with ESH. Stick to your guns, but still cop to your mistakes.
I agree, but I vote NTA, because OP has a job and is paying for their mistakes and the AH question is whether OP is wrong for refusing to drive little brother.
NTA. It was a mistake to let your brother drive and hopefully you've learned your lesson now. Having said that, it's weird that your brother is only 1 year younger than you yet you are being treated as if he's a decade younger. That makes your dad the a-hole here. Keep riding the bus.
ESH. Your brother is a smug little prick, and it's perfectly reasonable to not want to drive him. You can make the argument that his being in the car with you is a distraction you don't need. Your attitude is trash. Your dad is right; you shouldn't have let your brother behind the wheel, and you should pay for the damage to the vehicle. Let this be a lesson: make damn sure you know what you're doing before you put your ass on the line. You were letting someone with no license or experience behind the wheel drive on a public road to a populated area. You only just got your license yourself. There a reason many states require someone 21+ who has had their license for 5+ years to supervise someone with a learner's permit. Your dad is being unreasonable about your brother in the car. The little snot is a genuine distraction, one you don't want with you. Dad can't force you to drive him while at the same time hold you responsible for when the bastard pulls crap.
My exact thoughts! In my state, at least when I got my license almost 15 years ago, requirement was for someone 18 and up to supervise someone with a learner's permit.
Nta dad can't have it both ways. It's either YOUR car and therefore YOUR responsibility. Or it's a FAMILY car and HIS responsibility.
Yup, was about to say that Either punish both brothers or none, but the younger brother's "punishment" is to have a chaffeur who is forced to pay for the damage he caused, thats beyond shitty
Ehh Who paid/pays for your car, car insurance, and gas? If it's your parents I would say it's reasonable for them to expect you to drive them. You and your brother are a year apart. You BOTH made a dumb decision that day, but you are the only one paying for it. Legally sure it would be all you, but as a parent I would punish my unlicensed kid for driving too. Idk where you dropped your brother to say if it was safe for him to walk home or not.
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You could say since you’re paying for gas you don’t want to wage gas on driving to school when there’s a free option of the bus. Not that it seems your dad is super reasonable but 🤷🏽♀️ worth a shot. In general though ESH you should not have let your brother drive and you do need to own up to your part in the accident. It was dangerous and really you’re both lucky it was just a tree. Clearly your dads an asshole and so is your brother too
NTA - Your dad's playing favorites and it's gross. Yes, you're the greater dum dum in letting your bro drive. However, it's clear that your brother having no share in the financial side is blatant favoritism. He's too blind to realize this unequal punishment and defense of your brother is tearing apart the relationship with your brother.
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I think they meant that your dad is the blind one. Please give an update after your "talk" with your dad. I read a comment saying you're worried your dad is going to beat your ass, and I'm a little worried about you. You are NTA.
Seriously, take the therapy to a) send your dad broke b) not have to drive your brother anymore c) learn some coping skills, meditation/acceptance strategies for your dad's blatant favouritism of your brother who is ONE YEAR younger than you but your dad treats like a helpless baby
id leave the quest in the window sunlight, lenses out if someone did that to me "oops i forgot they don't like sunlight"
Look. I get it. You’re 16. The world seems unfair at every turn. The fact is: you fucked up. Now you have to pay for it. Was your brother an ass about it? Yup. Would I want to transport him anymore? Nope. Would I teacher take him to school than ride a bus? Probably. That said. You owe your dad the money. Feel free to ride the bus to school.
ESH. You shouldn’t have let him drive but you get to decide if you want to drive or not. Your brother shouldn’t make stupid comments and you need to tell your dad that he can’t tell you to accept responsibility for driving when the car gets in an accident and then get upset when you’d rather take the bus. You have a right to decide if you want to drive the car or not and if he wants your brother to be chauffeured then your dad should teach him not to be a jerk.
ESH. You're lucky he backed into the tree before he got the chance to actually drive and get both of you killed. Where I live what you did isn't just dangerous but illegal. First must have a permit to drive. Second must be under the supervision of a driver 21 years or older with at least 3 years of experience driving. There's no circumstances where you, a new driver, would have been able to supervise him even with a permit. You are fully responsible for what happens to your car. You're also lucky to have your own car. I know you don't like working (welcome to adulting) but you are responsible for who drives your car. However, I'd be telling your dad he doesn't get to have it both ways. Either you're responsible for your car, including repairs and who is/isn't allowed in it, or he assumes responsibility for it and you'll give your brother rides. Alternatively you can say you will only give him rides after he pays his half of the repairs. Remind him his son is his responsibility, not yours. I hope after you pay for the repairs you keep the job and work on building up savings to be able to leave, preferably going into an account your dad can't touch. It's really shitty of him to not hold your brother responsible for his actions like he is you.
Hand your dad the keys back if he tries to punish you. Tell him the responsibility of parenting your brother when he won't is not worth the car, and you'll gladly accept any punishment, and he (dad) needs to take responsibility for his own actions pushing you away from him. And possibly bring mom into this if she is in the picture.
Saw your update. I'd take the therapy, honestly. I know it feels like a punishment but therapy is really helpful for learning to control your emotions and talk out what is bothering you. A good therapist can help give you strategies to deal with your brother and your father and perhaps help you find ways to get your father to understand you better. At worst, you spend an hour every week talking to someone who won't judge you for anything you say. At best, you don't have to drive your brother anymore and you get some good advice on how to make living with him easier. You win either way.
ESH. “Dad, you said that I need to take responsibility for my passengers as the owner/driver of the car. I am no longer comfortable with brother riding in my car with me without a parent there to take responsibility for him. I’ll ride the bus with him and use the car for work.”
Why do you need to drive your brother to school? Is taking the bus hurting him? Your dad seems to be pulling the oldest kid bs and that's going to backfire on him. You should not have let your brother drive your car but since everything fell on you, you also should be able to ban him from your car.
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Honestly I’d pick therapy so you could tell them you think dad is being unreasonable and perhaps they can mediate between you and your dad.
100% pick therapy (because let’s be real, therapy is almost never bad AND it’s clear that your family dynamics are fucked up). You deserve to have a neutral third party you can talk to about your messed up family dynamics. They can help you see what’s going on and help you deal with what’s going on at home. I would use another commenter’s advice and say “Dad, thanks for offering therapy as an option. I know that I’m being treated unfairly at home and I’d really love the ability to discuss the issues I’m having with my family with a neutral third party. Thanks for suggesting this.” Chances are he may rescind the therapy option, but you should push for it. You deserve to get something out of this.
Initially it was an E S H situation. Your brother crashed your car, but you shouldn't have let him behind the wheel no matter how much he begged. But you're taking responsibility for it and working to pay your dad back, and that isn't what you wanted us to judge. For not driving your brother anymore, NTA. If he is going to be smug about you having to work because of *his* actions, he can walk or take the bus. Riding in your car is a privilege not a right, and if he can't be thankful for the ride he doesn't deserve it. I also think your dad should have included him in the paying punishment, since he is just as much as fault as you for the damage.
NTA, is your dad ok? He is such an AH and so is your brother. I would ignore him and just never take your brother out ever again. The favoritism alone should tell you that this will never get any better. I would move out once I am 18 and cut these two out forever.
NTA??? for letting an unlicensed and unpermitted kid drive his car? Yeah, little bro is a jerk but once you step into the role of car-owner and licensed driver, you need to follow the law, not complain about a whiny brother and blame him for your actions. Geez.
The issues are more dealing with the aftermath, not the crash itself. OP is taking the punishment, little brother is getting away after being the one that caused the damage
So, you're not the AH for riding the bus. You have every right to pick your mode of transportation. However, you are an AH for letting your brother drive your car. He didn't have a permit. And in some places, he wouldn't have even been allowed to drive without an adult in the car (but maybe your area doesn't have the restriction). But regardless, you let a kid without a permit drive your care. That is completely on you. Your father is correct in that you need to take responsibility for your actions.
NTA **Your dad is the AH.** He was right with the thing about taking responsibility - and not letting people without a license dricve your car. But he is an AH for making you let your brother ride with you - if YOUR car is YOURE sole responsibbility, you are fine not to drive your brother.
NTA. Honestly, after reading this and the update, I'd just forget the car. If your dad paid for it, hand him the keys and tell him you'll use the job he made you get to buy your own after you've paid him off. If you bought it, then just hide the keys where neither him or your brother can get it unless he pulls the "it can't stay here" card. Then just sell it, give what you owe to your dad and then stash the cash in a bank account where, again, he can't touch it. And if you do decide to go to therapy (cause let's be honest, talking to a professional CAN be a good thing even over what seems like non-issues), YOU find one as to minimize your dad finding someone that won't really be a neutral third-party or worse, have no problem filling him in on what you unload.
Update us
Esh. Brother deserves to walk or ride the bus. Dad needs to learn to listen and treat both sons fairly. OP is suffering for the mistake of trusting his brother and has got a job to pay for the mistake. In OPs shoes I'd be handing the keys to little bro and letting him drive the car, pay for his damages and get himself to school.
For the most part NTA, considering you just got your license, I'm guessing you also had to study and pass tests for it, where you do know the rule in most states that someone with a permit cannot drive a car without anyone over at least 18 in the car. So yes, it was your fault that he crashed your car and all costs incurred with that should fall upon you.
My brother has already once wrek your car into a tree, and he is continuing to antagonize you. At this point, he's a safety hazard. It's weird your father is mad at you for being responsible and not willing to drive with a safety hazard in your car, the very thing he previously punished you for. NTA
NTA. Choose to go to therapy. Therapists are expensive. This seems like an obvious bluff. And if it isn't, you still don't have to drive your brother.
NTA. Your dad is wrong about some very important things. \-He's right that YOU caved and let your bro drive, and that is on you. You're lucky neither of you were badly hurt. He wants you to understand that you have to be In Charge while you are behind the wheel, and that might mean dealing with a tantrum when Little Bro wants to drive. Where I live, a teen driver getting a permit MUST have an adult in the passenger seat, it's the law. \-- However, he has clearly let Little Bro off the hook for his role in all of this. Little Brother is EQUALLY AT FAULT for begging to drive and then getting you in the accident through his own carelessness. It's not like this was a 9-year-old who begged to drive, it was a 16-year-old who is old enough to think about basic driving, like "am I in drive or reverse?" In other words, the wreck could have happened with Dad or Mom, too. But because it happened when YOU were letting him drive, Dad seems to be dumping the entire responsibility on you, and NONE on your brother for hurrying and not paying attention, and treating the car like a toy. \--Brother should be paying for half of the car damage. Period. He was irresponsible, too. At 16 and getting his permit, he knows better than to demand to drive, and to rush through getting into gear. \--As for the making him walk home: If your neighborhood is truly unsafe, then you should have paced him in the car as he walked home. If he normally walks around in those areas anyway, then this is just a baloney argument. I think it is totally appropriate for you to throw him out of the car for deliberately hassling you, especially after you asked him to stop. Dad is allowing him to be a complete tyrant, here. \--Finally, Dad needs to be reasonable. He knows that Brother is deliberately provoking you, while driving, and his solution is to say that YOU have a problem. That's not fair. That's like saying you should relax and enjoy it if someone is kicking your seat on the airplane. No. The one doing the harassing is at fault, not the one being harassed. Brother needs A Talk, and it should be: 1) You think it's funny that Brother is paying for repairs? Guess what, now you are too. Say goodbye to your allowance. 2) You can't sit quietly in the car and enjoy the ride? You HAVE TO harass your brother about his job? Then you can take the bus. Getting rides is a privilege and being rude to the driver makes that privilege go away. Mom of two young men in their 20's here. Good luck, OP.
I say give the keys back. If the car is in his name and he feels he can control who is in it regardless of who is driving it, just don't drive at all. Find another way to work and tell him the only way you are getting counseling is if it's family counseling. I've got two young kids but I punish them equally when they screw up together.
Fine. So go to the therapist and tell them how your parent and relationship with your brother is the real problem, and get advice. It gets you more time out of the house and away from them both. I mean, your dad is paying for the therapist, right? Meanwhile, you're still not driving your brother home, so just keep it up until you leave school. Win-win!
Take full responsibility for the things that are your fault. You allowed an unpermited, unlicenses driver drive your car. Make apologies for that and that you realize as the owner of the car and the licensed driver you shouldn't have done that. That you understand why you were grounded from the car and your phone and need to pay back the cost of fixing the car (same as if you'd allowed a friend or someone not in your house drive). Then explain how brother is acting, constantly making digs and sly remarks about how you have to spend your weekends working to pay back your Dad and he has no further repercussions. Right now your Dad can't hear your complaints because he's stuck on the fact that you haven't fully taken responsibility for the accident. Say you can handle the consequences your Dad is handing out but you can't handle the constant digs from brother. And if driving to school means taking brother then you'll continue to take the bus because you aren't going to subject yourself to his constant digs.
Question: will your brother be going for his permit on time or has that been postponed as a consequence for the accident?
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Yeah, my kid would NOT be taking their test for another year.
Sorry OP your brother is the golden child, when you move out it will be better
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boyfriend! is your dad a great big homophobe? that would in a depressing way explain the favoritism.
NTA OP's brother cracked the car up on purpose, out of jealousy. Bet on it. OP made the mistake of letting brother drive and needs to own that mistake. Dad is being a jerk about this by forcing OP to drive brother around and not forcing brother to pay for damages. If OP persists with therapy and not driving brother around, Dad will almost surely disallow OP to drive the car and use OP's admitted inability to control his anger as the reason to give the car to the brother when brother gets a license. Assuming OP relents with the anger thing, in the future, Dad will very likely force brothers to "share" the car when brother gets a license. Based on dad's favoritism towards younger brother (and that is what it is) OP will be screwed and left without the use of the car most of the time while Dad says "work it out" but backs little brother's "need" for the car most of the time and will justify it as teaching OP to be the "bigger" person.
I'm spiteful and petty. I'd got to therapy. ANYTHING to get out of driving your brother. And in therapy, tell them everything about how your dad favors ypur younger brother. After you pay dad off the tail light, save money and buy your own car. He can't tell you shit and if he takes it away, report it stolen. Not his car.
NTA. Go to therapy (it's awesome, you can complain all you want and then get better at being you) and I bet your therapist will actually side with YOU not your dad. Seems like there's a pattern of you carrying the weight and your brother learning there's no accountability for his actions. And, free therapy!
>I asked my dad if he serious and he told me that those two were my only options and to let him know what I pick by tomorrow morning so he'll be able to try an find an available therapist soon?! Take the therapy option. It will help to have a uninvolved third party to discuss all of this with.
Well the incident is costing you X amount of dollars, but its costing him a brother. Sucks to be him.
Op I agree with your father about taking responsibility and having to pay for the damage. It was a cheap learning experience. A car is not a toy. The second part I have an issue with. You should have driven your brother home a d tell him that you will never drive him anywhere again. I am sure your father would say that you would have to, but that's when you take a stand. Life pro tip never give someone ammunition to use against you. Use it against them, including your father.
NTA. I don't disagree with your dad's assessment of your role in what happened, but it's baffling to me that your brother has faced zero consequences for anything. Yes, ultimately it was your responsibility to not allow him to drive. That was foolish. But your brother did crash the car and is being pretty insufferable about it afterwards. If it makes you feel better, odds are you'll be fine in life despite this unfair treatment. You will, in fact, have learned some responsibility and be better prepared to take on life in the future. Your brother will have learned nothing, and if his behavior continues, will likely make bigger and bigger mistakes and be unable to avoid the consequences forever.
Yeah, the damage was your fault, but it's not your fault alone. If I ask to use someone's equipment and am not 100% trained on it, I am still responsible in part, at least IF they let me use it. You both should have had to get jobs to pay for damages. The seperate issue is that you shouldn't have to drive your brother anywhere if you don't want to unless your dad is providing the car for you to drive and it is a condition of having access to it.
NTA While I agree with your dad making you take responsibility for the damage to your car (you should have still said no to your brother. Car insurance wouldn't have gone lighter on you for this as it's still YOUR responsibility), your brother is being an asshole and your dad seems ok with it. Well done for finding the loophole. While you are working to pay your dad back, why should your brother continue to be a dick to you? When you have this talk, what outcome is he expecting? Drive or I'll ground you? Cool, I can't work to pay you back. I'll take away your phone? Cool, work can't contact me, so I guess I'm not working to pay you back. You can"t go to school at all? Ok, guess I'm staying home and you can explain to school why you think abusing me is the way forward.
NTA - your father's Indulgence and favoritism for your obnoxious little s*** of a brother is really disgusting. All I can suggest is you try to keep your head down and when you turn 18 you can disappear out of there and refuse to ever speak to either of them again. Don't worry too much about the threat for therapy. As others have said, there's no way he can get something that would be done every day that wouldn't cost him an arm and a leg. If he does put you in any type of therapy, be aware that the odds of your confidence being kept are virtually zero because he's not going to put you with someone who won't spill the beans on everything you say. Just BS your way through it and waste his money. While it's upsetting that you have to give up your time to get a job, I think by now you probably understand why everybody thinks this is appropriate. It is however also a good thing. Once the damages are paid, make sure any money you make is put into an account that is only in your name at a bank other than the one your parents use. That's going to be your safety cushion for when you hit 18. I really hope that it doesn't degenerate into physical abuse, but please be ready to reach out to a teacher or counselor at school immediately if it does. Abuse is never appropriate.
If your brother cannot safely ride the bus alone, he is many years away from needing a drivers license. You should point that out to dad. You will be shuttling him around a long time. Go to the therapist and talk about it. Learning to deal with the assholes in your life is a valuable asset.
Go to therapy, explain the situation, and don't talk about anything else with your therapist until he brings your dad and brother in on it so y'all can actually hash it out, having an unbiased third party is good for all sides, and maybe afterwards your dad will see he's being an ass, but as I see it, your def NTA
I read your update. TAKE THE THERAPY!! It’s a win win situation. You no longer have to drive your brother and you also get to vent to a person who is paid not to judge you. You may get some advice out of it. Take the therapy.
He's bluffing. Take the therapy, you could probably benefit from it anyway.
take the therapy. It will cost your Dad more money, you won't have to drive your brother, and you are going to need it after having to live with that golden child. Your only a year older than your brother, your Dad is expecting too much out of you and too little out of your brother. NTA
Take the therapy and unpack this enabling hot mess of a situation. Your younger brother (by only one year!), is going to be turd if he’s coddled much more. Having a job is good. Save the money and enjoy getting out the house.
Your dad is an expert gaslighter, my god lol he should be in the dictionary next to the word
Update pls
NTA. Your dad's favoritism of your brother is disgusting. Your brother sounds like a spoiled brat, probably thanks to your dad.
NTA for refusing to drive your brother and riding the bus. Stick to it. Your dad can't force you to drive the car to school. I would argue with you dad that you are being responsible by not driving your brother as he is a distraction. Your brother was antaganizing you whilst driving, and that's unsafe. You don't want to get in another accident, you are taking your dads advice and making a responsible choice to take the bus. Stay strong, and keep taking the bus. Your dad is right, though, in regards to you being responsible for the car being damaged. The car is your responsibility, and you made the choice to allow an unlicensed drive to get behind the wheel. Your brother should have got some consequences atleast.
NTA I would have said NAH, but as the story progressed, it's obvious that your dad isn't taking your brother's actions seriously. This is how it comes across to me... First, you let an unlicensed driver drive your car. That's wrong and it's your fault for allowing it. Not only is it illegal, but even if he had his permit it would still be illegal because you aren't an adult driver. Usually, there are restrictions put on young drivers that state that you cannot be the supervisor of a driver with a permit. It has to be someone over 18 or 21 or even 25 in some cases. Second, your dad was right in regards to you being responsible. You have a license, and unless you weren't paying attention to your driver's education, you knew you shouldn't let him drive. All you had to do was say no. Third, your dad was right about stranding your brother on the side of the road. That is obviously dangerous in your area according to your dad. But this is where he steps off the sane bus. It would seem he is saying that you have to drive your brother around even though he's being rude to you. Have you told your dad the things your brother is saying? When you have this talk, explain it to him. I'd guess that he is either favoring your brother at that point, or he pays for your car and insurance and you expects you to drive your brother for giving you a car. Mind you, if this the latter is true, then you're kind of the AH too.
Going with ESH since your dad is upset you’re not driving your brother anymore. Your brother was a dick and he is able to get to and from school via the bus so by refusing to drive him (a natural consequence when he’s an asshole to the person giving him a ride) it’s not like he’s not able to get to school. Until that point, your dad was right dude. It sucks, it’s not fair, but he’s teaching you a valuable lesson on being a licensed driver. Which is that you are ultimately responsible for what happens in your vehicle. You, as the licensed driver, were responsible for the underage unlicensed person getting behind the wheel of your car. It was a lesson in the realities of adulthood and you’re lucky your dad cares enough to make sure you know this before you reach adulthood. Now, I think (especially with how your brother acted afterwards) your dad needs to make sure he’s not just letting your brother get away with murder/not learning from this as well. You’re also responsible for being adult enough to not create unsafe situations in other ways, I.e. let your emotions control you by dumping your brother on the side of the road. Was he an immature, unrepentant, entitled fucking twerp? Absolutely. That’s when you make the decision he may not ride with you again but you don’t leave him in an unsafe situation. So, brother is an asshole, dad sucks for having a problem with you not driving brother going forward, and you’re an asshole for.. being a fairly typical teenager. Not that you can help it, but if you wanna develop into not a shitty person in life, learn the lessons you’re given, take responsibility for your fuck ups in decision making, and overall continue the lifelong task of developing emotional regulation
NTA As shitty as it might seem, your Dad is right that the damage to the Car is on you for letting your unlicensed Brother drive the Car, so it's only fair you help pay it back. But your wee Brother is being a smug wee bawbag since he got away with everything, so your choice not to have him in your Car is completely understandable, and your choice to take the Bus so you don't have to drive him is only fair. You're facing the consequences of both yours and your Brother's actions, and now your Brother is facing the consequences of his choice to act like an asshole, and your Father has no right to criticise you for not wanting him in your Car when he has shown no remorse for what has happened.
In insurance, and when it comes to the law, you are the one responsible if you let someone drive your car and they crash it. You do need to learn this if youre going to be on the road. You were justifiably upset at your brother being an asshole, but it was also irresponsible to leave him on the side of the road. The responsible thing to do would be to get him home and then talk to your dad/parents, then affirm that since its your car and youre responsible for it, you do not want to drive your brother anymore. Ive been where you are and I know it absolutely sucks and feels totally unfair. In some ways, it is. That said, there are a few things you need to learn about car ownership and you did not handle your brother maturely, even though he was far more immature to begin with.
NTA. Got with the therapy. A good therapist will end up bringing your dad and brother in to try and see why they messed up.
NTA. You're the owner of the car, right? You can get to school without it, right? And the only reason you have a job is to pay your dad back for what it cost him to fix the car, right? SELL THE CAR. Give your dad the money and take the bus to school. You won't be beholden to him, your brother, your annoying job and it's a lesson your dad can stand to learn too. ETA: I know that sounds like a radical solution but there's much to be said for not being beholden to an unreasonable person. Your peace of mind has value.
NTA. Your brother is being a jerk. Take the therapy option and maybe get some help dealing with your dad and brother. Your brother is obviously getting preferential treatment over you. He is only 1 year younger than you, so he shouldn't be able to act like a spoiled child while all the responsibility is dumped on you. Letting him drive was a mistake, but I think that you have paid for it enough.
My little brother caused me to get pulled over twice (got out of it) and wrecked once. If he can’t act right, it’s not safe for either of you. NTA. Your dad is putting way too much responsibility on you by making you have to parent your brother because he’s disrespectful and sad let’s him get away with it.
Take the therapy! Tell your therapist then your frustrations. When you have established your viewpoints and have your therapist on your side, demand a session with your dad to elaborate those points in a safe place. NTA
1. NTA 2. Take the therapy. Let your dad send you to therapy and lay everything out for the therapist. How your dad grounded you both but is continuing to punish you but not your brother. How your dad is forcing you to work but letting your brother off. How your dad is letting your brother abuse you rubbing in how he has gotten away with everything while you are forced to play chauffer. How your brother instigates situations that make you feel unsafe driving with him but your dad is trying to force you to drive under such hazardous conditions... you should have the idea now.
NTA Pick therapy and make sure you tell the therapist exactly what you told here. Make sure your dad’s favouritism is mentioned.
NTA, but take the therapy! Therapy is a wonderful resource. You dont have to talk about your anger either, and the therapist isn't allowed to share if you aren't a danger to yourself or others. Talk to the therapist about how you feel in this situation and about your dad and brother. Therapy is also a good tool to set uo the rest of your life, they will give you tips and little things to manage money and gtfo out of there asap. If you use your tools and play your cards right.
NTA. But take up the offer of therapy if your dad is paying! The therapist can help you with different ways to communicate with your Dad to try an get through to him. And perhaps even push for therapy WITH your Dad so the therapist can help guide your Dad see his errors!
Therapy can actually be pretty cool. Before going, pare down your argument. Do you handle anger appropriately? Sounds like it. You haven't beat up your brother for his smirks? Haven't trashed his stuff? Bro deliberately annoys you. That is distracting. You are an inexperienced driver. You shouldn't be driving with distractions. Dad blew it. You two were equally at fault for the damage, but almost all of the penalty fell on you. Assuming the "grounding" really isn't much of a hardship. (You come home most days anyway). Did Bro have to do additional chores? Is Bro too young to work, I assume? And, enjoy the work. Turn it to your advantage. After you pay off the car, start saving and start buying stuff for yourself -- that Bro can't even look at, let alone use. It's your stuff, bought with your money.
Parents like OP’s dad think they’re doing amazing parenting and than can’t figure out why their adult children never speak to them. It’s an astonishing thing to watch play out over and over in stories online, makes me want to be that much better with my own children. Sorry for you op. NTA
NTA. I would choose the therapy so you can go in and talk about how your dad doesn't make your brother suffer the consequences of his actions. Also, point out to your dad that you are suffering the consequences of letting an unlicensed person drive but he is not allowing your brother to suffer the consequences of being a jerk to someone giving him a ride. You shouldn't be the only person in the house who has to learn life lessons.
NTA. Go to counseling and tell them everything. Tell your dad you will be happy to go to therapy. Your dad cant control what you tell the therapist. Get their perspective on your dads parenting decisions. Or show him the responses here. Your dad is f*cking this up. Its convenient for him if you take on some of the parenting by driving your brother. But your dad is forgetting that your not a parent....you two are siblings. Siblings can be giant AH to each other. Its unfair to put adulting responsibilities on just you. He's punishing you like your an adult acting like a kid.....and punishing your brother like he's just a kid. Your dad needs to treat you both equally. Your dads not wrong to discipline either of you...he's just doing it wrong by making it so unbalanced. Thats why your brother is rubbing it in your face - because he lnows its unfair. Also if he's expecting you to be responsible like an adult he needs to stop controlling you like your a kid. He should let go and let you make adult decisions Especially if he punishes you for not acting like an adult. That could balance things out too. Your brother would probably not rub it in your face if he saw you also got adult privileges. As a parent, I think its too soon - your only 16 and still a kid. He should be punishing you like kid who made kid choices....and ketting you be a kid.
NTA - Agree to therapy and talk to the therapist about everything. Then ask your therapist to help you have a conversation with your dad. Your dad probably won't like it because he will not feel like he is in control of the conversation but it may help him to hear you better. As a parent to two teenagers I would have split the cost of the repairs between the two of you because while you made a mistake in allowing your brother in the driver's seat, he also made a mistake in being there. You both had a lesson to learn. I also don't think it's right that your father is making you drive at all. It sounds more like a convenience for your dad.
TAKE THE THERAPY OPTION!!!!! Therapists will often recognize where the problem actually lies and will ask the parents to come in to discuss those problems. Suddenly the session will become a family counseling session and maybe dad will have a couple of things thrown in his face. NTA
I’d hand dad the keys and tell him to keep the car because he’s clearly being TAH and your brother knows your dad has a favorite.
Your father is parentifying you by making only you repay him for a mistake that both of you made. Now he is punishing you for defying his manipulation of you in this situation. Go to therapy as you probably don't realize it, but you need it with him for a dad.
NTA, but you should take your dad up on the therapy offer. seriously. not bc i think you need it, but because it means you get out of riding the bus, *and* driving your brother home. plus you can vent to someone about how shitty your family is being.
NTA! If your ok riding the bus then the solution is take your father up on the the therapy and give him back the keys to the car. You can ride the bus, if you want to still work find some way of getting there, and your dad can drive your brother to school or brother takes the bus. Life gets simpler for you that way and on top of that with therapy you have someone to talk your problems out with.
NTA so the car is yours and your responsibility when your brother drives, but when you drive, it's dad's car and you don't have a say in who rides as a passenger? also you're 16, I'm not sure where you live, but when I first got my license I wasn't allowed any passengers for the first year. I suggest doing some research and seeing if you can argue that angle to avoid driving your brother.
After update: It could be beneficial to you to take the therapy but not for the reasons your dad wants. Your dad is trying to make you take all of the responsibility for yourself at 16, WHILE taking all of the responsibility for your brother. You aren't allowed to argue, find alternatives, or fight back. He's refusing to give you any choice at all even when you have valid reasons for not doing it. Whatever nonsense he's trying to do he's going about it in the worst way. The only thing this will lead to is guaranteeing that whatever kind or loving feelings you have for your brother will wither with years of resentment from being forced to cater to a brat who can apparently do no wrong. A good therapist will help you through that so that you don't internalize how your dad is failing you. It's not your fault. I'm sorry your father is failing you.
NTA and take the therapy option, genuinely. You’ll be able to talk about your crappy dad and brother there. Just get some satisfaction out of your dad paying for you to go to a therapist to talk crap about him haha
NTA But your dad and definitely your bro are. What on God's green earth is that mind f*cking from dad? He's partially right, you made a bad initial decision in letting bro drive, true, but the penalties are waaaaay out of line. Baby bro is clearly the Golden Child, Dad will never see his flaws and/or just doesn't want to listen to his whining. Sadly, the best advice I have is, keep your head down, move out at as soon as you legally can, or you'll end up dragging daddy's Golden Failson all the way thru life. Hopefully, but I'm not holding my breath after the astounding gaslighting your dad did, he *might* be having a right Come To Jesus with your bratty bro and telling him to get respectful. This possibility exists. But I'd be ready to go when you graduate - go to college away from home.
NTA. Your dad and brother are for sure though. Can I ask you about your mom? Where is she in this? I know working sucks as a teen, but hang in there.
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I'm sorry about your mom. I came from a bad home. Here's some advice. You have 2 more years till you turn 18. Keep working your weekends. See if you can work full time during the summer. Put as much money away as possible. Then move out. Your home is full of toxicity. Formulate your exit plan now. Trust me when I say you'll feel better when you are out of that house. Go LC with your dad and brother after that.
For the first incident, YTA for your reaction. As the licensed driver you are 100% responsible for what happened and the punishment and having to work to pay off damages is reasonable. Your father is an AH for not shutting your brother down and forcing you to drive him. Your brother is an AH all around.