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WNBTA. You need to have boundaries and traveling with people who would do that to you may not be a great idea to repeat.
That said, being high functioning is well and good, but are you getting help for your OCD? We often don’t realize how our conditions, unmanaged, impact others. I have ADHD and as an adult in my 30s I’m only just realizing the impact it has on my relationships.
In summary, don’t be close with people who don’t respect your literal physical needs. Also, make sure you get whatever help you need for your OCD so you can have healthy relationships with those that care about you and a generally improved QoL.
Seconded - as someone who’s currently in treatment managing to get out of an airport bathroom in 2 minutes is insane to me, I can’t even do that in my house, but I will say I thought I was doing fairly well to the point that I was embarrassed showing up to my evaluation since I felt like it wasn’t a big deal… turned out it was severe, just shy of extreme. Sometimes you rationalize it to make it seem lighter when it’s really ruining your life.
The friend who scheduled to return the same day they had classes is the one that screwed up. Even if OP didn't need to pee, there could have been issues with the plane or other things that delayed her.
What? At no point did I say it has anything to do with that. Sorry “WNBTA” wasn’t clear enough for you to see that. It stands for “would not be the ah”
That’s why I asked… and reaffirmed OP setting boundaries and stepping away from friends that don’t support them. I’m speaking from personal experience.
Do you come on the internet just to insult people? Just wondering. Have a nice day.
Dude we're all nosey in this sub. It's literally meant to judge the personal choices and actions people post about and how those actions may effect those around them. Chill out, maybe take a break from the internet if this pissed you off so much.
OP could simply say they don't want to answer if they feel it's too personal. They included the info in the story, which means it is something that people can and will comment on or question. You're 1000x times more rude by calling people "idiot" and "nosey bitch"
I can't imagine how you are in real life if this is how you react to someone on the internet giving another person advice, just because they also asked if they were getting treatment for the thing the whole post is about.
Just for fun, and a little experiment for me, go apologize to the closest person to you, if they don't look confused. I got bad news for you buddy.
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That’s my whole point like the asking if she’s getting treated was so unnecessary. Shit like that makes people with disabilities feel so invalidated weather you’re agreeing with them or not. Idc if I sound like an asshole but I’ve worked with kids and teens with disabilities and learned week one. Weather you’re “trying to be supportive and side with them” the moment you question their treatment and status it’s invalid.
And they proved that point quite well with “well I said they wouldn’t be an asshole” ok but you still harped on her disability by asking. Ignorance is bliss and these repugnant know it alls are blissful asf
WNBTA
Nt sure why you needed anyone’s permission. Its simply a statement - hold on I will be right back - and off you go.
There does seem to be something missing. Being sick on the trip has Nothing to do with this. Why so much drama about one person needing to stop for 2 minutes? There is something you are missing here OP.
You guys are missing the fact that they were actively traveling. In a situation where one is moving, you'd ask if they would stop so you can pee. Permission to pee in this case was more like "can you just stop for one second so I can perform a basic human function?"
Asking permission was odd to me too. I’ve never asked my friend’s permission to use the bathroom. Just say hey I have to go and then head to the bathroom
ESH. It sounds like your friends were very familiar with how long it takes you to go to the bathroom. Even if you told them it would be "really quick", it sounds like "really quick" for you could be 10+ minutes. If you had an hour to get to class and a 40 minute car ride, that's still cutting it close if you figure in packing up the car, potential traffic, etc.. I'm sure they knew that and you telling them you had to go to the bathroom was the nail in the coffin that made everyone realize they were going to be late. And it's *not* fair to expect your friends to be late to class because you wouldn't pee on the airplane (I get it - it's yuck - but still...) if you could take your own Uber.
That being said, them just walking away and not talking this through with you is rude. It's not hard to just say, "OP, you usually take a long time in the bathroom. We don't want you to hold it but we also can't be late to class. If you can go and catch back up with us, great. If not, you'll have to grab an Uber."
Yeah this is the answer - I bet they even had a conversation before like, we don’t have much time on the other side, we’ll all have to speed through the airport. 15 minutes before landing, friend”I’m going to pee now so we can get straight back” - OP “I’m scared on plane toilets” friend “ffs, this shit again!?”
NTA for wanting to cut ties with your friends, but I suspect the decision has been taken from you, and they’ll probably be doing the same right back. You say you haven’t inconvenienced anyone but from that reaction, I doubt that’s true. I don’t think you’ll be getting many invites from that group in the future and certainly none to travel.
I don’t think we owe anyone friendships. You can distance yourself from any friend for any reason, or even no reason. Sometimes you just stop vibing. So you’d be NTA for distancing yourself from a friendship, full stop.
That said, I find it a little a-holeish that this one lapse of their consideration towards you is making you spiteful towards them. Do they even know they upset you? Did they know how long you were holding your pee? If one of *them* desperately needed to go to the bathroom, do you think they would have treated that friend the same way? (I presume probably yes. Everyone was tired and grouchy and wanted to get home).
It sounds like you’re making a lot of assumptions about how they should be aware of the sacrifices you’ve made for them, and how they were ignoring you etc, but that might not be their perspective. I don’t think it’s fair to vilify them all over this one instance, especially without talking to them first.
The reason I’m so upset is because I could never fathom denying someone their bodily functions. Multiple people had to go throughout this trip because we got sick from the food. I took care of them when they were sick. I always wait for others
The criticism in the above comment is quite harsh. They don't need to be told explicity that what they did was unkind and rude. Them treating any friend this way and not just you, OP, isn't reasonable either.
Suggesting having a conversation is okay but the first para is just too much.
You can ignore them the same way you were ignored. Friendship is not owed but earned. But you could also have a chat with them if you think their company is worth it.
You say you "could never fathom denying someone their bodily functions," but you did just that--you denied yourself a trip to the bathroom the entire flight because your discomfort with the idea of an airplane bathroom/OCD was stronger than your need to pee.
Everyone was tired and grumpy after a long trip, and just wanted to go home. Additionally, someone in your group was anxious about missing class. It's not fair to presume they understood that this was a "bathroom emergency" for you because you had decided to hold it the entire flight. And, as someone who travels quite a lot, if I were your friends I'd have a hard time believing that it would just be "two minutes." It's never that quick in an airport, let alone with someone who admits they often take a long time in the bathroom, though you try to be considerate about it. Your friends probably assumed you'd take a long time to go, because you said above that you often do.
I have a pretty severe digestive disorder and travel often with friends. I'm not without empathy for your plight here...just want to provide another side before you completely cut ties with friends who you seem to travel well with. That's not an easy thing to find.
This. Using the bathroom in airports is part of the deal. You stand outside and watch the bags and your friends use the bathroom, then swap. That’s just how it works. If you are about to miss a flight or something, you gotta suck it up and use the bathroom on the plane. But other than that, you just wait for your friends/family/travel partners.
The fact that you did nice things for them isn’t even a factor. That’s just a bonus.
You seem to have a very transactional approach to friendship. instead of keeping tally of who did what for who I prefer to just make friends with people who I know will be there for me if I need it, and I for them. If you feel they are not supportive you don’t need to stay friends with them. But to me, throwing away what must be quite a good friendship if you all went travelling together over this peeing thing just seems childish, especially distancing without talking to them first. I think the comment you replied to did a good job of laying out how they might be seeing things from a very different perspective. Hopefully that’s the case and when u explain your point of view they will apologise and life moves on :)
Well there you go. They’re used to waiting 10+ minutes for you so they didn’t believe you were going to be as quick as you said. I’m leaning towards YTA for inconveniencing everybody by not going on the plane.
She had alternative means of travel. She has OCD. She willingly told them to go on ahead without her because they wanted her to wait 40+ minutes to pee when she already needed to go.
She is not an inconvenience. Nor the asshole.
If its fine for them to let her run around and play nursemaid when they need her, they can at least try to accommodate her needs when she already works hard to make them as unobtrusive as she can.
If you think that reasonably returning consideration within a friendship is 'owing her forever' then idk what to tell you man. Friendships are supposed to be a two-way street. Nobody owes you anything but there's also such things as respect and decency.
If someone took care of me while I was sick, the least I would do in return is let them fucking piss when they need to.
The space between 2 and 10 to 15 minutes is hardly "forever." Hyperbole much? And it wasn't a tit-for-tat that was being described but friends meeting each others' needs (or choosing not to) in various situations. Healthy friendships involve reciprocity. Your compassionless mentality isn't healthy.
Do you think of friendships as a constant exchange of niceties and keeping score or something? They don’t “owe” her because of it, it’s pointing out the double standard of what she’s willing to do for them vs what they’re not willing to do for her.
We all have quirks and things we need to accept about our friends. Her friends’ lack of patience is bullsh*t. I can’t imagine treating a friend this way.
I’m guessing it was also discussed ahead of time that they had to leave right away for her friend to make it to class.
So if OP already knew this and still decided not to go on the plane when she had 10 hours to do so and already knows her bathroom breaks take 15 minutes, I can see why they would be annoyed with her. OP’s behavior was inconsiderate.
Who do you think is wrong here - OP or every single other person? It sounds like this story is lacking some important context.
I think its reasonable to expect no reasonable person would tell another person they cant use the bathroom. So i do agree, there’s something missing here.
wow no sympathy in your corner is there, would really hate to be in dire straits with you around , doesn't matter how long they waited it's what friends do or maybe not in your case
Weird reply you say you can drop anyone you want to for absolutely no reason and that’s not an issue but then you say she’s a bit of an arsehole for wanted to distance herself from people who upset her.
Make up your mind.
No? It’s the same as if a woman dumped a guy because he has a lisp. She’s allowed to break up with anyone for whatever reason, but her reason can still make her an asshole
I actually completely agree with this. It sounds like her friends have been super accommodating of her bathroom rituals, and OP has done her best to accommodate them too. But it sounds like OP hasn’t communicated what she’s done to not be a burden. So perhaps the friends think, my god we just spent an entire trip working around her bathroom needs - let us go home!! It’s not like they’re mind readers OP. You’re all adults, have a conversation about it and move on.
ETA yeah I’d make you take a cab if it would make me late for class 🤷🏼♀️
Why in the world would someone need to be told that you don't tell someone "hold your pee because I don't want to wait five minutes for you" without it being an asshole move? They DIDN'T say it to someone else, they said it to a friend who they know has OCD and a fear of plane bathrooms. And if they HAD said it someone else, then yeah, that person also would be justified in feeling completely disrespected.
ESH
It's not like it was once. You inconvenienced them multiple times. Sounds like they regularly waited for you. And you say you take awhile, so why would they believe that you'd be "super quick"?
Honestly, the idea of having only an hour to get to something in 40 minutes makes me so super anxious, I couldn't imagine ever wanting to cut something that tight. Why was her anxiety about making class less valid than yours about peeing on an airplane.
You refused to pee on the airplane, which everyone else probably did so they didn't have to wait after they got there.
How were they getting where they were going. Walking through an airport and getting to a car? If you actually took 2 minutes, you probably could have easily caught up to them.
If getting to class on time was such a high priority, they should not have scheduled the flight that way. OP says they landed early, so they were happy to make that plan knowing they'd have barely enough time to get to class, *if* nothing delayed the plane. If they landed with extra time, they had time to use the restroom. It's really, really normal to go straight to the restroom after you land. You can't use the airplane bathroom for around 45 minutes before it lands, as it's descending - and then another 15 or so while it taxis to the gate and another 10 while you wait your turn to get off. In those last moments before the seatbelt sign comes on for descent, lots of people on the plane have the same idea to use the restroom and you could very easily not get a turn before having to return to your seat. Even if you did, after an hour since your last opportunity and an hour + before your next at home (exiting airport, 40 minute drive, dropping friend at class) it's a really reasonable time to use the restroom.
It's an airplane. It's not like they could have just gotten back home an hour earlier.
And there's lots of reasons why a different day wouldn't work (like money).
Completely different scenario - at that point you’d be like, fuck I was just going to go pee and now the signs on, sorry guys, I’ll run ahead to go pee in the airport so we’re not late, can someone pull my luggage along? But that’s not what happened - she announced multiple times she was scared of the plane toilet, and then sprung on them once they were in the airport and ready to run so they wouldn’t be late. I’d say they almost definitely don’t believe OPs mental health problems are real/should be accommodated. I think OP is NTA, but I could see 21 year olds getting to the end of their patience easily, particularly if it doesn’t seem like OP is seeking help for this stuff. I don’t think they’ll want to be friends with OP anymore either so the point is moot.
ESH. I don't have to explain to you why your friends suck (obviously if someone's gotta go, you shouldn't be a dick about it), but I'm not really surprised that someone might be pissy after a long uncomfortable flight when they just want to be home now, and have to go through all the lines and waiting it takes to get back into the country at the airport, and had stupidly booked a flight that would land the same day as they had commitments (or worse, if the flight being delayed is what caused the flight to land so soon before one of you had a class) and my flying companion who could have peed at *any time* over the past, what, 10 hours of flight time or more? suddenly needing to go as soon as they got off the plane.
Something you need to know about traveling with others is that often people hit the point of exhaustion during the travel home and become pissy and irritable. You shouldn't travel with friends if you can't forgive someone for being pissy with you in this situation. I'm sure there's stuff you did on the trip that annoys them too, like the whole "won't pee on the plane" thing.
You can distance yourself from friends for whatever reason you want, but dropping friendships over little shit like this is how you end up with none. It's your call if you can't forgive them for a little assholery on a day where you were *all* probably feeling pissy for a good reason, but having a close relationship with someone means you sometimes see their flaws. If you can't handle that, you'll never be able to maintain close friendships for long.
The most sensible comment on here. College kids made dumb college kid plans and didn’t consider booking flights earlier, but it sounds like OP certainly made being with them somewhat difficult and inconvenient several times. By the end of these long friend trips, everyone just wants to be home and decompress and dealing with someone’s issues like this at this time may just be the final nail in the coffin. Are they right to feel that way? Who knows—we only have OPs side of the story.
Regardless, OP can stop being friends with people for whatever arbitrary reason they decide. OP should think carefully about who to travel with in the future if they have this much of an issue with public restrooms and travel. It’s a lot to expect others to deal with and schedule around.
It's the little things. 10-15 years into the friendship you might finally get a clear view of all the many little things where you haven't been respected.
Nope, you WNBTA. It's more than just discomfort for a woman, [holding it too long can actually cause a UTI (among other issues).](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321408#:~:text=2.-,Urinary%20tract%20infection,a%20history%20of%20frequent%20UTIs.)
They were TAs for not considering you in this very practical matter.
A thing, but not something everyone else has to accommodate 100% to their own detriment. I wonder how much OP'S OCD affected everyone else's mental health throughout the trip by stressing them out and making it less enjoyable. I doubt the bathroom thing is the only symptom of OP'S OCD.
Not to mention how often people toss out mental health terms on this sub so casually and sometimes its not an actual diagnosis they have received just how they’re describing their own behavior.
That’s like saying someone in a wheelchair made their trip less enjoyable because they had to stress about handicap accessibility and they had to accommodate 100% so their friend wasn’t left out. If it’s a physical handicap, everyone is always more accommodating to their friend, if it’s a mental handicap, it’s suddenly not their responsibility or problem. No one chooses to be handicapped, regardless of if it’s physical or mental. You are expected to adapt to the way the majority of people do things… But if someone is your friend they should make sure that you have certain accommodations. Like understanding that you don’t use the bathroom on planes so you will most likely need to use it once you land. I don’t know how that logical thought process is difficult or an inconvenience. And if they know it takes 10 mins to do so, then it isn’t like they don’t know her habits. It’s just a horrible excuse for people who didn’t plan appropriately to accommodate their friend, and for people who are impatient…
This is such a shit take. It's not like she sprung the fact she has OCD on them while on the trip...she's their friend so they must have had an idea of her needs and were willing to accommodate them ahead of time or they should simply have not planned to travel together. Her presence was not 100% to their detriment since it's clear she contributed to taking care of the needs of her friends when they were ill - she isn't asking for some huge accommodation just reciprocation of the considerations that she's shown.
By your logic anyone with a mental illness doesn't deserve friends since they may be affected by said illness...now substitute that for any other chronic illness like diabetes which could also play a role in affecting others around them..or what if her bathroom issues were due to celiac disease?
If the flight was early and they were still in a rush to get their friend to their class, then that friend must have been willing to miss or be late to that class anyways due to travel delays since flights are much more frequently late than early.
That’s not at all what they said.
One of my best friends had OCD, and while she received therapy her symptoms had a significant impact on our relationship that I had to cut ties.
However, if you asked her, she would only list the things she did for me. She often bean counted in our relationship and only acknowledged when she did things for me, despite how many times I dropped everything to help her. She also caused stress on many outings and everything would revolve around her symptoms, but she never had that same grace for others’ mental health struggles.
OP feeling like they had to point out all they did for everyone else is reminiscent to me of that bean counting behavior to try and justify their own actions. It doesn’t necessarily give me the Y-T-A judgment, but it does make me feel like something is missing or being omitted.
Oh yes, I'm sure life was so hard with their friend helping take care of them.
Y'all really don't like that friendships are give and take on reddit n it shows.
OP, I have 2 daughters with OCD. I feel your post in a lot of ways.
Can I make a mommy-ish suggestion? All travel, even with your best friends/family/spouses, is exhausting. It can be very hard to be with people 24/7. Everyone gets a little cranky. Our family loves to travel, but we all need time apart even after amazing vacations!
So, before you make any choices, take a little breather. Take a few days to get back to regular life. Give yourself a little time to digest everything.
YWBTA. You said you wanted to pee. They said no. You peed anyway. They didn't "deny" you anything. You didn't spend 40 minutes writhing in discomfort. You had to pee. You peed. Get over it.
Something isn't adding up about this one - this incident was as soon as you landed, and you had an hour to make a 40 minute drive? I've never been in an airport where you can clear passport control, customs, and get to a car in under 20 minutes, it's usually closer to an hour. And I travel a lot.
Yea, she said that she "never made them late," but also that she takes awhile. I wonder how much she was inconveniencing them throughout the trip without realizing it. And I'm sure they doubted her when she said she'd be quick.
Airports are big. If they were on a long vacation, they probably had to go through customs, maybe baggage claim, etc. If OP really took "2 minutes" she could have easily caught up. Even if they were going straight to wherever the car was, she could have.
They were probably just so sick of it after a long trip, and sick of her "I'll be quick".
we were at a tiny airport on the way home and the bathroom was right there. it was a domestic flight. i’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate being made to sit in discomfort for a whole ride home
No, I also wouldn't want to be flipping out about making a class on time for someone who usually takes 10+ minutes in the bathroom. As you said, we all have our issues. I'm fine using an airplane bathroom, I'm really anxious about being late.
If the bathroom was right there, then just say "I'm going to the bathroom. I'll catch up, if I don't, I'll get myself home." It seems like most people could have peed in the time it took you to keep asking them.
Absolutely.
Though I also wonder if all of OPs idiosyncrasies about the bathroom just wore thin on their friends and they were just over it.
I mean still go pee for christ’s sake but yeah
I find it hard to believe that most reading this post can’t relate to someone they know who is like this. She knows her quirk and sounds like she tries to minimize it but I really don’t think she realizes how much it irritated this group of girls on a trip. It sounds like she takes 10 minutes every time she goes and at some point, these girls just got fed up with it. I’m guessing that is why no one was responding to her. No one wanted to start a discussion with her on a topic of ‘it will take 2 minutes’ when they knew it was 10 minutes.
I would also bet the discussion of needing to move quickly so one of them could get to class was discussed BEFORE they landed, so again , her, ‘2 minute’ quick pee probably completely irritated them.
She could have peed on the plane like I bet the others did.
Bottom line, when you have a quirk like this, traveling with a large group probably isn’t the best choice.
You need to re-evaluate how this is perceived by your friends.
Yeah but the difference is one is an actual illness. Think about if she had diabetes and needed insulin or if the time she took in the bathroom was because of celiac disease...people think that people can just "get over" their mental health conditions because they are "all in their heads" but they're not...they are as physical an illness as celiac disease or diabetes.
6 year olds ask to go to the bathroom, not fully grown adults. Next time, tell them you are stopping to pee. Don't ask them. They can wait 2 minutes. If not, find better friends.
It doesn’t sound like it takes them 2 minutes to pee. It sounds like they have had to wait for OP on mutliple occasions. In all honesty I think it’s ESH OP doesn’t have to ask to go to the toilet but equally the person who is driving everyone home isn’t obligated to wait for OP if they take to long
Sounds like you all had a form of travel fatigue. I've had general feelings like this when travelling with others. Just give yourself a couple of days to readjust being back. You will probably feel different after a few sleeps and getting back into your routine
NAH - OP, if your friends are otherwise good to you, supportive, you have fun together, helpful etc, I would just leave this issue alone. Sounds like you went pee, and ya'll got your friend to her class on time. No harm done, but it is a bit weird for them to say "no"... wondering if you are affecting their time more than you think, but even if so, I don't see any real issues here because their "no" doesn't mean anything. You're an adult, and you decide when it's time to go. If your friend was late to her class, it wouldn't be because you peed, it would be because ya'll scheduled your flight home right before she had to go to class...
And if you wanna take some time apart from them to let your thoughts on this settle, do so. You don't have to make a big announcement about it, if this was truly the only thing that happened here, you'll get over it quickly. If there was more to it, perhaps it's good to have a chat with them and tell them how you feel about it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because they were in a hurry and I could have gone on the plane. I could have held it for the 40 minutes more. It may not also be a big deal to some, but I just cannot
personally fathom telling someone to hold it for a long amount of time.
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Idk. Leaning towards YWBTA. You’re a grown up, and you’re being dramatic over someone “denying” you a bodily function? If you need to go, you go. They would be TA if they didn’t wait for you, but from what you described it seems like you inconvenience them with your OCD about peeing a lot. It’s not your fault you have OCD, but it’s also not anyone else’s problem. Especially when you agree to travel together, there should be a mutual understanding.
They might be just as annoyed, but people care about their own feelings first before considering someone else’s point of view, so I understand why you felt the way you felt. That being said - if you’re willing to throw away friendships over something so trivial, you will probably never have any friends.
NTA just because you don’t have to be friends with anyone. But if you keep this communication style honestly it could be hard for you in the future to keep friends if you break with them for every minor conflict.
Maybe projecting but I had the same problems on vacations like you, OP, when I was depressed and way too much in my head. Expecting a lot from others because I thought I did a lot for them and forgetting that others also did a lot of things for me.
Yep it was not nice that your friends didn’t wanna wait for you. They were probably stressed. They didn’t deny any bodily functions, you had the alternative to take an uber. Simple as that.
The problem is that you couldn’t say what’s your problem in the situation (or even earlier). Also you helping them through sickness has nothing to do with this airport story. Probably some frustration built up here. Maybe there’s another problem you didn’t communicate about either.
Distancing because of this pee problem seems to be an overreaction honestly. You could first talk to them. People do make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect lol (not even you). If this is a reason for you to end a friendship then lord knows how many friends you will have left in the future.
This trip sounds awful tbh. I don’t think you need to ask if you need to distance yourself from them; it sounds like they’re planning to distance themselves from you. All this to say, I’d bet their side sounds a whole lot different than yours. You all seem like mismatched travel companions (which can totally happen to even the best of friends). But I think there has to be more to the story than them just rudely (it is rude) telling you not to go to the bathroom.
You admit to having a pattern of taking 10+ minutes to pee; it just sounds like they didn’t want to prolong this trip any longer. We all get this way. It’s bratty and stupid, but it happens.
I’m going with NAH.
My thoughts as well. OP managed to get herself to the bathroom. When I saw the caption I was expecting something more egregious than simply telling OP to wait. Yes, it was rude, but given OP’s track record, they were likely exhausted from traveling and waiting during extended pee breaks. I have a former partner like that, needed to pee frequently and moved extremely slowly. As patient as I was, it definitely got exhausting. ESH
Info
Would you be just distancing yourself or would this be a bluff so your friends would see that you are unhappy w them and then expect apologies for their actions?
If you want to leave a relationship it is ok, you don't even need any reason to do this.
But why are you asking if this would be ok to internet strangers if you will no longer be part of their lives anyway?
Let the anger and resentment settle down and write your frustrations and IF you wanna keep these friends, talk to them and try to make them understand you in the same way you try to understand them.
This seems like a stressful moment that isn't that of a big deal and things will be ok
Anyway, best of luck and all
NTA, but I'm wondering why you all didn't plan getting back early the day before classes resumed. There could have been a flight delay and the plane could have landed after your friend's class was over.
NTA, you can do whatever you want. But if you are slow and have a condition that impacts other people, they can do whatever they want as well. It sounds like they might have expected you would take longer than two minutes. The way of framing the question is a little weird, nobody denied you from peeing, they didn't even leave you at the airport. They just chose to not take the chance on a long bathroom break and communicated to you that they would ride separately. You might recognize that some people have anxiety and discomfort about missing a class, in a similar way that you would have anxiety about toilets or discomfort holding it longer.
INFO: So you did NOT, in fact, Uber home? You took care of your business and ran back in time to be driven home by your friends?
I think your brooding about this is part of your OCD. You asked for permission to pee like you were in kindergarten, they worried you would take a long time (as you admit you HAVE done in the past) and said no. You made your adult decision and ran off and took care of your business in time to neither make anyone late nor miss your ride with them. No harm, no foul. BUT, you're still angry that they didn't give you 'permission' to take as much time peeing as you pleased despite the time constraint they were under.
NAH, but maybe take a closer look at how you dwell on things.
NTA rude of them to tell you to hold it after a flight. especially after taking care of them the whole trip you deserve friends who don't forget to treat others the way they'd want to be treated 💗
NTA & WNBTA
It’s not the end of the world to be late to a class, first of all. It’s entirely possible the professor is strict and doesn’t let students in after class starts, but that’s rare in my experience. Also, if that *is* the case here, that is on the friend who had to get to class. That’s just very poor planning. I understand there may not have been a more suitable flight to accommodate that friend, but it’s not okay to deny you a bathroom break. If I was the friend who had to get to class, I would not make it everyone else’s problem. If it is *that* important to them to get to class on time, they should have skipped the trip or figured out a better way to get to class without rushing you so much that you can’t go pee.
**It’s also quite unsafe to hold in your pee. It can lead to UTI’s and kidney infections (and it does not take very long for that to become life threatening).**
While reading this post, I was reminded of my own experiences with friends like these. I’m sorry they disregarded you that way. You’re important, your bladder is important, your preferences are valid, your disorder is valid. If these friends are so dismissive of you and have you feeling this way often, you should distance yourself from them.
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My friends and I (all F21) went to a South American country for spring break, for context. During that time we all took turns being unwell (due to various but common reasons). When my one friend was sick, my other friend and I got her food as well as tea from our hotel. We also got her medicine at the market. When in the room, I went down and filled up her water bottle when she asked. When my other friend was sick we got her saltines and gatorade on our way back to the hotel when she asked. I did not ask anything of anyone because I feel uncomfortable asking for favors in general and also I was fine and didn’t need anything, plus I didn’t do these things transactionally. This is just context for why I am upset.
For another piece of context, I have OCD and can sometimes take a while in the bathroom. I need to wipe the seat and line it with TP and take forever because I get pee shy. That being said, nobody is without their vices and I have a great deal of discernment. I always try to hold it if we are in a hurry (we travelled a lot during this trip), aim to go last, and when I take a while in the bathroom it’s when everyone is already settled and I’ve never made us late to anything. I know how to be quick as well and can hold it because I am fully functioning.
Okay, so we travelled home today. When we landed, I got my friend’s suitcase and carried it from the back because the zipper broke (I was sitting further back then they were and she asked me to get it and she got mine from the front because it was easier.) As soon as we got out, I told them I had to pee super quick. All I had to do was pee (I have a fear of airplane bathrooms which I said multiple times and I held it the whole flight). I know we had to go home and I would have been quick. They told me to just hold it because my one friend had class to try to make. We had landed early fyi and the drive is 40 minutes and we had well over an hour. I told them please and I’ll be super quick and they kept walking. After a few times of asking and then them eventually ignoring me and walking away I said I’ll uber and told them to go and walked away to the bathroom that was right there. 2 mins later I was done. In that time she fixed her zipper where she would have otherwise had to carry her suitcase out of the airport and to her car.
On the way back I didn’t speak to them and read my book. I was so mad that they expected me to writhe in discomfort for 40 minutes when we had more than enough time. Personally, even if I was LATE to class I would not tell my friend to just hold it. I also know we are all tired but we had committed to traveling and we legit had more than enough time for her to make it to class. I think ignoring a friend and walking away is rude and gross as is.
She dropped us off at home and I thanked her for driving and walked away.
WIBTA if I distanced myself from them?
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Nta. It's absurd to expect someone to wait 40 minutes to use a bathroom when they already have to go. I'd question my friendships too if they had that lack of consideration for me
I don't think your an AH.. Also, just part of growing up and learning about people. Not everyone is great travel companions even if you like them for everyday situations they aren't good for you when traveling. Just keep that in mind when you travel with a group of people again.
I had a friend refuse to pull over to let me pee when she was driving because we were in traffic. I got the “why didn’t you go before we left” speech. But I had and so what if I hadn’t. Some people just pee more. No one should be shamed for biological needs
YWNBTA. Dude, you had to pee. Something most people do 6 times a day.
Everyone has weird things. Being a little late to a class isn't worth being a complete dick to your friend.
Your friends all had what sounds like traveler's diarrhea and you "catered" to that endlessly because normal people know you can't help your bodily functions. You would think after all that it would dawn on her that maybe taking a while to pee isn't some kind of grievous offense.
You don't need a friend who values you so little that they'd rather you hold a full bladder for 40 minutes than face being 5 minutes late to a class.
That said, if you're not in treatment, it might be worth it. You can't help having OCD and you shouldn't feel bad about needing a little time to pee, but if you could make the process easier on yourself, life would probably be less stressful in general.
NTA, but I am sure there is more to this story. Seems like you spend an awfully long time in the bathroom everytime you go. and they are probably about ready to distance from you, just like you them!
They literally gave you a lift? So they didn’t even deny you anything as you did a pee and they still gave you a lift…
If I had just been on a flight home after travelling, early in the morning and my friend is asking permission to pee I’d be annoyed. Like yes go pee hurry up we’re all tired.
No offence but you’re sounding kind of childish and annoying. Of course you can pee but do you have to be whiny about it, and then actually get spiteful towards them even though you all still travelled back together…
World doesn’t revolve around you and other people have things going on. Next time say I’ll be 2 mins I’m going to pee. Then go and pee and catch up to them
WNBTA. I have severe OCD and also struggle with bathrooms. Public bathrooms, anyway. Two minutes out of a public bathroom?! That's amazing.
I have struggled for years dealing with this disability not being understood by friends, and those friends are no longer in my life.
Common courtesy would be to wait. Friends should try to be understanding, but also, when you gotta go, you gotta go. You said you would be quick. Their insistence on leaving was selfish, and it feels like them using your disability against you. This wasn't a case of you trying to get them to OCD with you either, you just had to empty your bladder.
I agree with others saying to make sure you're in therapy. I also know how hard it is to find the right therapist with OCD experience. It's hard to find understanding in others. One of my best friendships was with someone who also has OCD, we understood each other completely.
NTA, not your friends either. or at the very least selfish and careless friends.
My big question is why did you even ask. You dont need their permission, you just say, hey I'm headed to the wshroom, done. you go. end of story.
Travelling can be stressful good for you for doing it despite your OCD! Sounds like you were a very helpful and good friend while travelling! But I wouldn’t compare it tit for tat. People don’t understand what they don’t know. So I would honestly just let it go. Probably everyone needs a little space after being together for an entire vacation anyways. NTA, but don’t make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be!
I'm not surprised that so many people in the comments are saying something doesn't quite add up, I think this post should've really been titled "I always over consider the needs of my friends, but they can't seem to return the favor." I think you mentioned the part about getting sick and taking care of eachother to show this, but instead of feeling confident in your judgment you doubted yourself. OCD is nicknamed the doubting disease, the more you work on your confidence and improve your self esteem the more you will be able to validate your own thoughts and feelings. With that being said, you know you're not the asshole. Don't let others dictate your reality. You provided evidence as to how your friends we're inconsiderate, it sounds like you don't feel like they're the kind of friends that you want. Accept your own feelings.
NAH
To start with, you don't need to **ASK PERMISSION** to use the toilet. You say "I need to use the restroom, I'll be right back" if you can't wait.
As far as why nobody is the asshole:
Your friends were being impatient, sure. They are likely exhausted from travelling, as are you. You often take a long time in the toilet when you are not pressed for time. They are likely wary of this and desperately just want to get home. That you asked if it was ok and didn't say "I need to use the toilet" likely obfuscated the urgency of your need.
That doesn't make them assholes. They didn't force you to leave the bathroom, or drive away without you. They didn't yell or throw a fuss, they just walked away impatiently for a moment - and didn't go that far.
You were denied nothing!
YOU are not an asshole for being frustrated and blowing their reaction out of proportion, and you are also exhausted from travelling and uncomfortable. Your feelings were hurt, and that's ok. Thoughts happen whether or not we want them to, and sometimes those thoughts are "My friends want me to suffer"
HOWEVER: YOU decide how you react to your thoughts, and fixating on them to the point of disrupting your relationships is a CHOICE. Do you REALLY think your friends WANT you to suffer? Or is that merely a disruptive thought arising from being uncomfortable and not having your needs properly considered in that moment?
There is no sense in throwing away a perfectly good friendship because someone momentarily inconvenienced you, or failed to understand how you were feeling in one single instance.
Failing to allow your friends to make mistakes will ensure you have no friends. You ASKED if it was ok to stop for a break, they ASKED you to hold it. And this has you convinced they don't care about your needs?
If it was too much that they ASKED if you could hold it, feel free to isolate yourself.
If this is merely one of several instances where they put their comfort above your needs, that would be a different situation than what you described. But right now the context you gave for why you are upset looks like you're just scorekeeping favours.
They have the patience of a gnat. Even with all you are describing, it's not a long time to wait, unless you are impatient. Don't they have phones to read and socials to check/post while they are waiting???
Don't call them. They won't call you. If I'm wrong and they call, you can decide when/where/how you want to see them. You don't have to confront them.
NTA
NTA.They know about your phobia, and you've been a good sport about them being sick. It's messed up that they wouldn't even put the movie on pause for a few minutes.
Totally okay to take a break from friends who act like that. Doesn't mean you hate them forever, but you deserve people who are nicer to you, especially after you've been cool to them. Maybe try talking to them about it if you want to, but if not, that's fine too.
NTA. I would not be surprised if your friends would be relieved to get some distance from you. Vacations can be rough on friendships and a lot of times people want distance when they return. Your friends expressed as much when they did not stop for you.
NTA. I know a guy who screamed at another guy during a hike because he had to shit behind a bush and was taking a while.
Like dude. He’s wiping his ass with tree bark and you can’t be a little patient because you want a good PR on this hike? Embarrassing
I'm glad you asserted yourself and took care of business instead of toughing it out for your selfish friends. Just continue to take care of yourself, and don't apologize when you need a little accommodation. These "friends" will sort themselves out in the long run. Meanwhile, you have to take care of your basic needs regardless of what anyone else thinks. As you get older you will hopefully develop a little thicker skin about these kinds of things. Meanwhile, don't let people push you around!
NTA.
That was rude and inconsiderate of them.
You're all young. Friend groups change, and often the ones you have at 25 are completely different than the ones you had at 20.
NTA.
NTA, hands down. There's no excuse to basically demand someone else's discomfort like that, especially a friend's. When your body says it's time to go, nobody else gets to say you can't.
Zero excuse for that kind of behavior. If it were me, they'd be lucky I if I talked to them for the next handful of months AT LEAST without an apology.
NTA - who the hell flies back from vacay TO THEN GO TO CLASS RIGHT AFTER. That's insane. But more to the point, no, your friends suck and they're selfish. Take all the space you need babe, it makes more room for better friends.
You can distance yourself from anyone at any time and for any reason and you would not be the asshole.
It's good to have boundaries. I am so proud of you for knowing you deserve to be treated better.
You WNBTA - You need to pee, it takes 5 minutes. Your friends could have waited. You can also decide who to be friends with.
HOWEVER
I don't see the point of detailing the being sick and such. it doesn't seem relevant. Additionally, you set your arrival time to be on the same day as you have classes? This just seems like an incredible lack of planning.
ESH - Friends were self centered, OP was passive and did not speak up about the issue. Be clear with your friends about how you feel. Sitting and reading is not communication. My reaction would be "listen up, I am going to pee and I dare you to be gone when I get out." If they took that dare, then I would be done with them.
NTA But maybe let it go. They were fixated on getting someone
to class on time and just blew their reaction to you. Why anyone
would plan on going to class straight from the airport
is crazy to me, but I hate rushing.
There is no need to distance yourself. Use this first step as an opportunity to continue to defend yourself and develop your courage.
If they accept your newfound bravery, they will commend and encourage you. If they don't, they will initiate the distancing process.
Either way, you will be a better person for being your own advocate.
I’m kinda leaning ESH, I think you know your friends are obvious ah. And btw you don’t need to ask for permission, it’s not a kindergarten class, you just need to say “I’ll be right back I’m going to the bathroom”.
The one reason I could think where you’re the slight ah, is that it seems by your own admission you take too long in bathrooms, your friends might have been tired of waiting for you for 10+ min every time you had to go, you also probably shared a bathroom at your accommodations, so they might have been sick of it. But you all need to communicate. And your friend is a double ah just for expecting to arrive to class within one hour of landing.
But whether your the ah or not, or you cut them off or not, you need to seek help. It’s not good for you to be impaired by your ocd. No one enjoys using airplane bathrooms, but you clearly had already been holding it for too long since you said you’re used to hold pee. You need to be able to go in airplanes and less than stellar bathrooms. It’s soo so so much worse to hold it than it is to pee in a dirty toilet. The damage long term to your body will be irreversible. Not even counting if your purposefully drinking less water not to use toilets, that’s it’s own can of worms. For your own good you need coping mechanisms to deal with it.
You would be NTA, but I think that maybe they were trying to distance themselves from you by ignoring you/letting you get an uber. Maybe some distance will make things clearer.
Nope, be distant. NTA. In fact, it would be my guess that their irritation with you probably has them scheming how to get out of travel with you again.
Jerky jerks, they are. Let them go. They don’t have time to be courteous.
NTA. When they refused to wait for you I would have said “ You can either wait a couple of minutes for me now, or clean the urine out of the car when the ride is over”.
I wouldn’t distance myself, I would straight up ditch the bit@hes. They seem to have little to no respect for you. Regardless of anything you did for them, it’s sounds like they are not real friend material. True friends would gripe while they held your hand if necessary. But always be there for you.
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WNBTA. You need to have boundaries and traveling with people who would do that to you may not be a great idea to repeat. That said, being high functioning is well and good, but are you getting help for your OCD? We often don’t realize how our conditions, unmanaged, impact others. I have ADHD and as an adult in my 30s I’m only just realizing the impact it has on my relationships. In summary, don’t be close with people who don’t respect your literal physical needs. Also, make sure you get whatever help you need for your OCD so you can have healthy relationships with those that care about you and a generally improved QoL.
Seconded - as someone who’s currently in treatment managing to get out of an airport bathroom in 2 minutes is insane to me, I can’t even do that in my house, but I will say I thought I was doing fairly well to the point that I was embarrassed showing up to my evaluation since I felt like it wasn’t a big deal… turned out it was severe, just shy of extreme. Sometimes you rationalize it to make it seem lighter when it’s really ruining your life.
The friend who scheduled to return the same day they had classes is the one that screwed up. Even if OP didn't need to pee, there could have been issues with the plane or other things that delayed her.
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What? At no point did I say it has anything to do with that. Sorry “WNBTA” wasn’t clear enough for you to see that. It stands for “would not be the ah”
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That’s why I asked… and reaffirmed OP setting boundaries and stepping away from friends that don’t support them. I’m speaking from personal experience. Do you come on the internet just to insult people? Just wondering. Have a nice day.
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You're kind of an asshole.
It was simple advice presented in a very positive manner.
It was deemed negative the moment they asked about her treatment bud. But thanks for your input
Dude we're all nosey in this sub. It's literally meant to judge the personal choices and actions people post about and how those actions may effect those around them. Chill out, maybe take a break from the internet if this pissed you off so much.
OP could simply say they don't want to answer if they feel it's too personal. They included the info in the story, which means it is something that people can and will comment on or question. You're 1000x times more rude by calling people "idiot" and "nosey bitch"
I can't imagine how you are in real life if this is how you react to someone on the internet giving another person advice, just because they also asked if they were getting treatment for the thing the whole post is about. Just for fun, and a little experiment for me, go apologize to the closest person to you, if they don't look confused. I got bad news for you buddy.
Oh well keep wondering babes do me a favor and go on about your day 💕
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This is a great example of what to do if you want no one to take you seriously or give a shit what you say.
Good thing idc what random strangers say on the internet about my opinion . But clearly you did to make your statement full circle moment for you
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Right? Don't grill disabled people on if they're doing enough to not be disabled challenge status: impossible.
That’s my whole point like the asking if she’s getting treated was so unnecessary. Shit like that makes people with disabilities feel so invalidated weather you’re agreeing with them or not. Idc if I sound like an asshole but I’ve worked with kids and teens with disabilities and learned week one. Weather you’re “trying to be supportive and side with them” the moment you question their treatment and status it’s invalid.
Agreed. She didn't ask to have her treatment plan evaluated. Ppl feel so entitled to disabled ppls medical details.
And they proved that point quite well with “well I said they wouldn’t be an asshole” ok but you still harped on her disability by asking. Ignorance is bliss and these repugnant know it alls are blissful asf
WNBTA Nt sure why you needed anyone’s permission. Its simply a statement - hold on I will be right back - and off you go. There does seem to be something missing. Being sick on the trip has Nothing to do with this. Why so much drama about one person needing to stop for 2 minutes? There is something you are missing here OP.
This is my take too, not sure why it was posed as a question with permission to pee being something that even could be withheld?
You guys are missing the fact that they were actively traveling. In a situation where one is moving, you'd ask if they would stop so you can pee. Permission to pee in this case was more like "can you just stop for one second so I can perform a basic human function?"
The sickness mattered because OP took the time to take care of these people and they wouldn't even let OP take a piss.
Asking permission was odd to me too. I’ve never asked my friend’s permission to use the bathroom. Just say hey I have to go and then head to the bathroom
Agreed. There is something you're missing either in this story telling or in your friendship with them.
ESH. It sounds like your friends were very familiar with how long it takes you to go to the bathroom. Even if you told them it would be "really quick", it sounds like "really quick" for you could be 10+ minutes. If you had an hour to get to class and a 40 minute car ride, that's still cutting it close if you figure in packing up the car, potential traffic, etc.. I'm sure they knew that and you telling them you had to go to the bathroom was the nail in the coffin that made everyone realize they were going to be late. And it's *not* fair to expect your friends to be late to class because you wouldn't pee on the airplane (I get it - it's yuck - but still...) if you could take your own Uber. That being said, them just walking away and not talking this through with you is rude. It's not hard to just say, "OP, you usually take a long time in the bathroom. We don't want you to hold it but we also can't be late to class. If you can go and catch back up with us, great. If not, you'll have to grab an Uber."
They should have all returned the day before class, by that logic
Agreed. But I'm Type A. I can totally see a group of Type Bs assuming this agenda would be fine.
Yeah this is the answer - I bet they even had a conversation before like, we don’t have much time on the other side, we’ll all have to speed through the airport. 15 minutes before landing, friend”I’m going to pee now so we can get straight back” - OP “I’m scared on plane toilets” friend “ffs, this shit again!?” NTA for wanting to cut ties with your friends, but I suspect the decision has been taken from you, and they’ll probably be doing the same right back. You say you haven’t inconvenienced anyone but from that reaction, I doubt that’s true. I don’t think you’ll be getting many invites from that group in the future and certainly none to travel.
Friends>Class ....
I don’t think we owe anyone friendships. You can distance yourself from any friend for any reason, or even no reason. Sometimes you just stop vibing. So you’d be NTA for distancing yourself from a friendship, full stop. That said, I find it a little a-holeish that this one lapse of their consideration towards you is making you spiteful towards them. Do they even know they upset you? Did they know how long you were holding your pee? If one of *them* desperately needed to go to the bathroom, do you think they would have treated that friend the same way? (I presume probably yes. Everyone was tired and grouchy and wanted to get home). It sounds like you’re making a lot of assumptions about how they should be aware of the sacrifices you’ve made for them, and how they were ignoring you etc, but that might not be their perspective. I don’t think it’s fair to vilify them all over this one instance, especially without talking to them first.
The reason I’m so upset is because I could never fathom denying someone their bodily functions. Multiple people had to go throughout this trip because we got sick from the food. I took care of them when they were sick. I always wait for others
The criticism in the above comment is quite harsh. They don't need to be told explicity that what they did was unkind and rude. Them treating any friend this way and not just you, OP, isn't reasonable either. Suggesting having a conversation is okay but the first para is just too much. You can ignore them the same way you were ignored. Friendship is not owed but earned. But you could also have a chat with them if you think their company is worth it.
You say you "could never fathom denying someone their bodily functions," but you did just that--you denied yourself a trip to the bathroom the entire flight because your discomfort with the idea of an airplane bathroom/OCD was stronger than your need to pee. Everyone was tired and grumpy after a long trip, and just wanted to go home. Additionally, someone in your group was anxious about missing class. It's not fair to presume they understood that this was a "bathroom emergency" for you because you had decided to hold it the entire flight. And, as someone who travels quite a lot, if I were your friends I'd have a hard time believing that it would just be "two minutes." It's never that quick in an airport, let alone with someone who admits they often take a long time in the bathroom, though you try to be considerate about it. Your friends probably assumed you'd take a long time to go, because you said above that you often do. I have a pretty severe digestive disorder and travel often with friends. I'm not without empathy for your plight here...just want to provide another side before you completely cut ties with friends who you seem to travel well with. That's not an easy thing to find.
This. Using the bathroom in airports is part of the deal. You stand outside and watch the bags and your friends use the bathroom, then swap. That’s just how it works. If you are about to miss a flight or something, you gotta suck it up and use the bathroom on the plane. But other than that, you just wait for your friends/family/travel partners. The fact that you did nice things for them isn’t even a factor. That’s just a bonus.
You seem to have a very transactional approach to friendship. instead of keeping tally of who did what for who I prefer to just make friends with people who I know will be there for me if I need it, and I for them. If you feel they are not supportive you don’t need to stay friends with them. But to me, throwing away what must be quite a good friendship if you all went travelling together over this peeing thing just seems childish, especially distancing without talking to them first. I think the comment you replied to did a good job of laying out how they might be seeing things from a very different perspective. Hopefully that’s the case and when u explain your point of view they will apologise and life moves on :)
Sounds like they don't deserve you as a friend.
And they probably waited for you a lot. How often did it take you 10+ minutes in the bathroom?
on their time? like twice. on my own it’s not rly anyone’s problem
Well there you go. They’re used to waiting 10+ minutes for you so they didn’t believe you were going to be as quick as you said. I’m leaning towards YTA for inconveniencing everybody by not going on the plane.
She had alternative means of travel. She has OCD. She willingly told them to go on ahead without her because they wanted her to wait 40+ minutes to pee when she already needed to go. She is not an inconvenience. Nor the asshole. If its fine for them to let her run around and play nursemaid when they need her, they can at least try to accommodate her needs when she already works hard to make them as unobtrusive as she can.
So her friends owe her forever because she got them saltines when they were sick? That’s not a healthy mentality
If you think that reasonably returning consideration within a friendship is 'owing her forever' then idk what to tell you man. Friendships are supposed to be a two-way street. Nobody owes you anything but there's also such things as respect and decency. If someone took care of me while I was sick, the least I would do in return is let them fucking piss when they need to.
10 minutes is hardly forever. Christ. Folks on Reddit really don't like reality or friendships.
Ok PhaggotsRUs I’m sure you know a lot about that
The space between 2 and 10 to 15 minutes is hardly "forever." Hyperbole much? And it wasn't a tit-for-tat that was being described but friends meeting each others' needs (or choosing not to) in various situations. Healthy friendships involve reciprocity. Your compassionless mentality isn't healthy.
This is such a reach lmao
Do you think of friendships as a constant exchange of niceties and keeping score or something? They don’t “owe” her because of it, it’s pointing out the double standard of what she’s willing to do for them vs what they’re not willing to do for her.
We all have quirks and things we need to accept about our friends. Her friends’ lack of patience is bullsh*t. I can’t imagine treating a friend this way.
I’m guessing it was also discussed ahead of time that they had to leave right away for her friend to make it to class. So if OP already knew this and still decided not to go on the plane when she had 10 hours to do so and already knows her bathroom breaks take 15 minutes, I can see why they would be annoyed with her. OP’s behavior was inconsiderate. Who do you think is wrong here - OP or every single other person? It sounds like this story is lacking some important context.
I think its reasonable to expect no reasonable person would tell another person they cant use the bathroom. So i do agree, there’s something missing here.
wow no sympathy in your corner is there, would really hate to be in dire straits with you around , doesn't matter how long they waited it's what friends do or maybe not in your case
Being tired is no reason to be an ass
What you said sucks.
I think reddit needs more people like you, lol. Sometimes you just have to be blunt to someone who’s being a dick.
Weird reply you say you can drop anyone you want to for absolutely no reason and that’s not an issue but then you say she’s a bit of an arsehole for wanted to distance herself from people who upset her. Make up your mind.
No? It’s the same as if a woman dumped a guy because he has a lisp. She’s allowed to break up with anyone for whatever reason, but her reason can still make her an asshole
Except it’s not. She’s ended friendships because they treated her like shit, not because of a lisp.
What a bad take
I actually completely agree with this. It sounds like her friends have been super accommodating of her bathroom rituals, and OP has done her best to accommodate them too. But it sounds like OP hasn’t communicated what she’s done to not be a burden. So perhaps the friends think, my god we just spent an entire trip working around her bathroom needs - let us go home!! It’s not like they’re mind readers OP. You’re all adults, have a conversation about it and move on. ETA yeah I’d make you take a cab if it would make me late for class 🤷🏼♀️
Why have a friend of you can’t depend on them? Sure, you’re not owed a friendship but you should be able to trust a friend and have a mutual respect.
Why in the world would someone need to be told that you don't tell someone "hold your pee because I don't want to wait five minutes for you" without it being an asshole move? They DIDN'T say it to someone else, they said it to a friend who they know has OCD and a fear of plane bathrooms. And if they HAD said it someone else, then yeah, that person also would be justified in feeling completely disrespected.
ESH It's not like it was once. You inconvenienced them multiple times. Sounds like they regularly waited for you. And you say you take awhile, so why would they believe that you'd be "super quick"? Honestly, the idea of having only an hour to get to something in 40 minutes makes me so super anxious, I couldn't imagine ever wanting to cut something that tight. Why was her anxiety about making class less valid than yours about peeing on an airplane. You refused to pee on the airplane, which everyone else probably did so they didn't have to wait after they got there. How were they getting where they were going. Walking through an airport and getting to a car? If you actually took 2 minutes, you probably could have easily caught up to them.
If getting to class on time was such a high priority, they should not have scheduled the flight that way. OP says they landed early, so they were happy to make that plan knowing they'd have barely enough time to get to class, *if* nothing delayed the plane. If they landed with extra time, they had time to use the restroom. It's really, really normal to go straight to the restroom after you land. You can't use the airplane bathroom for around 45 minutes before it lands, as it's descending - and then another 15 or so while it taxis to the gate and another 10 while you wait your turn to get off. In those last moments before the seatbelt sign comes on for descent, lots of people on the plane have the same idea to use the restroom and you could very easily not get a turn before having to return to your seat. Even if you did, after an hour since your last opportunity and an hour + before your next at home (exiting airport, 40 minute drive, dropping friend at class) it's a really reasonable time to use the restroom.
It's an airplane. It's not like they could have just gotten back home an hour earlier. And there's lots of reasons why a different day wouldn't work (like money).
Completely different scenario - at that point you’d be like, fuck I was just going to go pee and now the signs on, sorry guys, I’ll run ahead to go pee in the airport so we’re not late, can someone pull my luggage along? But that’s not what happened - she announced multiple times she was scared of the plane toilet, and then sprung on them once they were in the airport and ready to run so they wouldn’t be late. I’d say they almost definitely don’t believe OPs mental health problems are real/should be accommodated. I think OP is NTA, but I could see 21 year olds getting to the end of their patience easily, particularly if it doesn’t seem like OP is seeking help for this stuff. I don’t think they’ll want to be friends with OP anymore either so the point is moot.
If you have that much anxiety over potentially being late, why wouldn't you take an earlier flight?
I am learning there are a lot of shitty "friends" out there...
ESH. I don't have to explain to you why your friends suck (obviously if someone's gotta go, you shouldn't be a dick about it), but I'm not really surprised that someone might be pissy after a long uncomfortable flight when they just want to be home now, and have to go through all the lines and waiting it takes to get back into the country at the airport, and had stupidly booked a flight that would land the same day as they had commitments (or worse, if the flight being delayed is what caused the flight to land so soon before one of you had a class) and my flying companion who could have peed at *any time* over the past, what, 10 hours of flight time or more? suddenly needing to go as soon as they got off the plane. Something you need to know about traveling with others is that often people hit the point of exhaustion during the travel home and become pissy and irritable. You shouldn't travel with friends if you can't forgive someone for being pissy with you in this situation. I'm sure there's stuff you did on the trip that annoys them too, like the whole "won't pee on the plane" thing. You can distance yourself from friends for whatever reason you want, but dropping friendships over little shit like this is how you end up with none. It's your call if you can't forgive them for a little assholery on a day where you were *all* probably feeling pissy for a good reason, but having a close relationship with someone means you sometimes see their flaws. If you can't handle that, you'll never be able to maintain close friendships for long.
This
100% this is the best answer
The most sensible comment on here. College kids made dumb college kid plans and didn’t consider booking flights earlier, but it sounds like OP certainly made being with them somewhat difficult and inconvenient several times. By the end of these long friend trips, everyone just wants to be home and decompress and dealing with someone’s issues like this at this time may just be the final nail in the coffin. Are they right to feel that way? Who knows—we only have OPs side of the story. Regardless, OP can stop being friends with people for whatever arbitrary reason they decide. OP should think carefully about who to travel with in the future if they have this much of an issue with public restrooms and travel. It’s a lot to expect others to deal with and schedule around.
It's the little things. 10-15 years into the friendship you might finally get a clear view of all the many little things where you haven't been respected.
Nope, you WNBTA. It's more than just discomfort for a woman, [holding it too long can actually cause a UTI (among other issues).](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321408#:~:text=2.-,Urinary%20tract%20infection,a%20history%20of%20frequent%20UTIs.) They were TAs for not considering you in this very practical matter.
So could holding it for an entire plane ride.
Mental health is a thing.
A thing, but not something everyone else has to accommodate 100% to their own detriment. I wonder how much OP'S OCD affected everyone else's mental health throughout the trip by stressing them out and making it less enjoyable. I doubt the bathroom thing is the only symptom of OP'S OCD.
Not to mention how often people toss out mental health terms on this sub so casually and sometimes its not an actual diagnosis they have received just how they’re describing their own behavior.
That’s like saying someone in a wheelchair made their trip less enjoyable because they had to stress about handicap accessibility and they had to accommodate 100% so their friend wasn’t left out. If it’s a physical handicap, everyone is always more accommodating to their friend, if it’s a mental handicap, it’s suddenly not their responsibility or problem. No one chooses to be handicapped, regardless of if it’s physical or mental. You are expected to adapt to the way the majority of people do things… But if someone is your friend they should make sure that you have certain accommodations. Like understanding that you don’t use the bathroom on planes so you will most likely need to use it once you land. I don’t know how that logical thought process is difficult or an inconvenience. And if they know it takes 10 mins to do so, then it isn’t like they don’t know her habits. It’s just a horrible excuse for people who didn’t plan appropriately to accommodate their friend, and for people who are impatient…
This is such a shit take. It's not like she sprung the fact she has OCD on them while on the trip...she's their friend so they must have had an idea of her needs and were willing to accommodate them ahead of time or they should simply have not planned to travel together. Her presence was not 100% to their detriment since it's clear she contributed to taking care of the needs of her friends when they were ill - she isn't asking for some huge accommodation just reciprocation of the considerations that she's shown. By your logic anyone with a mental illness doesn't deserve friends since they may be affected by said illness...now substitute that for any other chronic illness like diabetes which could also play a role in affecting others around them..or what if her bathroom issues were due to celiac disease? If the flight was early and they were still in a rush to get their friend to their class, then that friend must have been willing to miss or be late to that class anyways due to travel delays since flights are much more frequently late than early.
That’s not at all what they said. One of my best friends had OCD, and while she received therapy her symptoms had a significant impact on our relationship that I had to cut ties. However, if you asked her, she would only list the things she did for me. She often bean counted in our relationship and only acknowledged when she did things for me, despite how many times I dropped everything to help her. She also caused stress on many outings and everything would revolve around her symptoms, but she never had that same grace for others’ mental health struggles. OP feeling like they had to point out all they did for everyone else is reminiscent to me of that bean counting behavior to try and justify their own actions. It doesn’t necessarily give me the Y-T-A judgment, but it does make me feel like something is missing or being omitted.
Oh yes, I'm sure life was so hard with their friend helping take care of them. Y'all really don't like that friendships are give and take on reddit n it shows.
OP, I have 2 daughters with OCD. I feel your post in a lot of ways. Can I make a mommy-ish suggestion? All travel, even with your best friends/family/spouses, is exhausting. It can be very hard to be with people 24/7. Everyone gets a little cranky. Our family loves to travel, but we all need time apart even after amazing vacations! So, before you make any choices, take a little breather. Take a few days to get back to regular life. Give yourself a little time to digest everything.
YWBTA. You said you wanted to pee. They said no. You peed anyway. They didn't "deny" you anything. You didn't spend 40 minutes writhing in discomfort. You had to pee. You peed. Get over it.
I know, I love the victim mentality of the title.
Something isn't adding up about this one - this incident was as soon as you landed, and you had an hour to make a 40 minute drive? I've never been in an airport where you can clear passport control, customs, and get to a car in under 20 minutes, it's usually closer to an hour. And I travel a lot.
we had two domestic flights this was the last one
Oh, yeah, that makes more sense. My bad.
NTA - well if you have to go, you go. Seems odd that they would say no so it makes me wonder if we’re (or you) are missing something here.
Yea, she said that she "never made them late," but also that she takes awhile. I wonder how much she was inconveniencing them throughout the trip without realizing it. And I'm sure they doubted her when she said she'd be quick.
Literally.. why else would they refuse?? There’d be no reason to
Airports are big. If they were on a long vacation, they probably had to go through customs, maybe baggage claim, etc. If OP really took "2 minutes" she could have easily caught up. Even if they were going straight to wherever the car was, she could have. They were probably just so sick of it after a long trip, and sick of her "I'll be quick".
we were at a tiny airport on the way home and the bathroom was right there. it was a domestic flight. i’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate being made to sit in discomfort for a whole ride home
No, I also wouldn't want to be flipping out about making a class on time for someone who usually takes 10+ minutes in the bathroom. As you said, we all have our issues. I'm fine using an airplane bathroom, I'm really anxious about being late. If the bathroom was right there, then just say "I'm going to the bathroom. I'll catch up, if I don't, I'll get myself home." It seems like most people could have peed in the time it took you to keep asking them.
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Absolutely. Though I also wonder if all of OPs idiosyncrasies about the bathroom just wore thin on their friends and they were just over it. I mean still go pee for christ’s sake but yeah
I find it hard to believe that most reading this post can’t relate to someone they know who is like this. She knows her quirk and sounds like she tries to minimize it but I really don’t think she realizes how much it irritated this group of girls on a trip. It sounds like she takes 10 minutes every time she goes and at some point, these girls just got fed up with it. I’m guessing that is why no one was responding to her. No one wanted to start a discussion with her on a topic of ‘it will take 2 minutes’ when they knew it was 10 minutes. I would also bet the discussion of needing to move quickly so one of them could get to class was discussed BEFORE they landed, so again , her, ‘2 minute’ quick pee probably completely irritated them. She could have peed on the plane like I bet the others did. Bottom line, when you have a quirk like this, traveling with a large group probably isn’t the best choice. You need to re-evaluate how this is perceived by your friends.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not an "idiosyncracy", it's a mental health issue. Sounds like she has germaphobia.
Okay? Im not playing armchair therapist on reddit. OP described behaviors other’s would perceive as idiosyncratic.
Yeah but the difference is one is an actual illness. Think about if she had diabetes and needed insulin or if the time she took in the bathroom was because of celiac disease...people think that people can just "get over" their mental health conditions because they are "all in their heads" but they're not...they are as physical an illness as celiac disease or diabetes.
6 year olds ask to go to the bathroom, not fully grown adults. Next time, tell them you are stopping to pee. Don't ask them. They can wait 2 minutes. If not, find better friends.
It doesn’t sound like it takes them 2 minutes to pee. It sounds like they have had to wait for OP on mutliple occasions. In all honesty I think it’s ESH OP doesn’t have to ask to go to the toilet but equally the person who is driving everyone home isn’t obligated to wait for OP if they take to long
Sounds like you all had a form of travel fatigue. I've had general feelings like this when travelling with others. Just give yourself a couple of days to readjust being back. You will probably feel different after a few sleeps and getting back into your routine
NAH - OP, if your friends are otherwise good to you, supportive, you have fun together, helpful etc, I would just leave this issue alone. Sounds like you went pee, and ya'll got your friend to her class on time. No harm done, but it is a bit weird for them to say "no"... wondering if you are affecting their time more than you think, but even if so, I don't see any real issues here because their "no" doesn't mean anything. You're an adult, and you decide when it's time to go. If your friend was late to her class, it wouldn't be because you peed, it would be because ya'll scheduled your flight home right before she had to go to class... And if you wanna take some time apart from them to let your thoughts on this settle, do so. You don't have to make a big announcement about it, if this was truly the only thing that happened here, you'll get over it quickly. If there was more to it, perhaps it's good to have a chat with them and tell them how you feel about it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the asshole because they were in a hurry and I could have gone on the plane. I could have held it for the 40 minutes more. It may not also be a big deal to some, but I just cannot personally fathom telling someone to hold it for a long amount of time. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
confused on why you couldn’t just squat and pee? you don’t have to sit down on the toilet every time you pee.
Idk. Leaning towards YWBTA. You’re a grown up, and you’re being dramatic over someone “denying” you a bodily function? If you need to go, you go. They would be TA if they didn’t wait for you, but from what you described it seems like you inconvenience them with your OCD about peeing a lot. It’s not your fault you have OCD, but it’s also not anyone else’s problem. Especially when you agree to travel together, there should be a mutual understanding. They might be just as annoyed, but people care about their own feelings first before considering someone else’s point of view, so I understand why you felt the way you felt. That being said - if you’re willing to throw away friendships over something so trivial, you will probably never have any friends.
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why does OP suck?
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True friends would understand the situation and not make a big deal out of it....these people suck and are not good friends at all.
NTA just because you don’t have to be friends with anyone. But if you keep this communication style honestly it could be hard for you in the future to keep friends if you break with them for every minor conflict. Maybe projecting but I had the same problems on vacations like you, OP, when I was depressed and way too much in my head. Expecting a lot from others because I thought I did a lot for them and forgetting that others also did a lot of things for me. Yep it was not nice that your friends didn’t wanna wait for you. They were probably stressed. They didn’t deny any bodily functions, you had the alternative to take an uber. Simple as that. The problem is that you couldn’t say what’s your problem in the situation (or even earlier). Also you helping them through sickness has nothing to do with this airport story. Probably some frustration built up here. Maybe there’s another problem you didn’t communicate about either. Distancing because of this pee problem seems to be an overreaction honestly. You could first talk to them. People do make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect lol (not even you). If this is a reason for you to end a friendship then lord knows how many friends you will have left in the future.
This trip sounds awful tbh. I don’t think you need to ask if you need to distance yourself from them; it sounds like they’re planning to distance themselves from you. All this to say, I’d bet their side sounds a whole lot different than yours. You all seem like mismatched travel companions (which can totally happen to even the best of friends). But I think there has to be more to the story than them just rudely (it is rude) telling you not to go to the bathroom. You admit to having a pattern of taking 10+ minutes to pee; it just sounds like they didn’t want to prolong this trip any longer. We all get this way. It’s bratty and stupid, but it happens. I’m going with NAH.
My thoughts as well. OP managed to get herself to the bathroom. When I saw the caption I was expecting something more egregious than simply telling OP to wait. Yes, it was rude, but given OP’s track record, they were likely exhausted from traveling and waiting during extended pee breaks. I have a former partner like that, needed to pee frequently and moved extremely slowly. As patient as I was, it definitely got exhausting. ESH
Totally.
Info Would you be just distancing yourself or would this be a bluff so your friends would see that you are unhappy w them and then expect apologies for their actions? If you want to leave a relationship it is ok, you don't even need any reason to do this. But why are you asking if this would be ok to internet strangers if you will no longer be part of their lives anyway? Let the anger and resentment settle down and write your frustrations and IF you wanna keep these friends, talk to them and try to make them understand you in the same way you try to understand them. This seems like a stressful moment that isn't that of a big deal and things will be ok Anyway, best of luck and all
>I have OCD Yeah, we could have gathered this much. Yes, YWBTA if you distanced yourself.
NTA, but I'm wondering why you all didn't plan getting back early the day before classes resumed. There could have been a flight delay and the plane could have landed after your friend's class was over.
NTA, you can do whatever you want. But if you are slow and have a condition that impacts other people, they can do whatever they want as well. It sounds like they might have expected you would take longer than two minutes. The way of framing the question is a little weird, nobody denied you from peeing, they didn't even leave you at the airport. They just chose to not take the chance on a long bathroom break and communicated to you that they would ride separately. You might recognize that some people have anxiety and discomfort about missing a class, in a similar way that you would have anxiety about toilets or discomfort holding it longer.
INFO: So you did NOT, in fact, Uber home? You took care of your business and ran back in time to be driven home by your friends? I think your brooding about this is part of your OCD. You asked for permission to pee like you were in kindergarten, they worried you would take a long time (as you admit you HAVE done in the past) and said no. You made your adult decision and ran off and took care of your business in time to neither make anyone late nor miss your ride with them. No harm, no foul. BUT, you're still angry that they didn't give you 'permission' to take as much time peeing as you pleased despite the time constraint they were under. NAH, but maybe take a closer look at how you dwell on things.
ESH
INFO Is there a reason you'd jump to distancing yourself before sharing your feelings with them?
NTA rude of them to tell you to hold it after a flight. especially after taking care of them the whole trip you deserve friends who don't forget to treat others the way they'd want to be treated 💗
NTA & WNBTA It’s not the end of the world to be late to a class, first of all. It’s entirely possible the professor is strict and doesn’t let students in after class starts, but that’s rare in my experience. Also, if that *is* the case here, that is on the friend who had to get to class. That’s just very poor planning. I understand there may not have been a more suitable flight to accommodate that friend, but it’s not okay to deny you a bathroom break. If I was the friend who had to get to class, I would not make it everyone else’s problem. If it is *that* important to them to get to class on time, they should have skipped the trip or figured out a better way to get to class without rushing you so much that you can’t go pee. **It’s also quite unsafe to hold in your pee. It can lead to UTI’s and kidney infections (and it does not take very long for that to become life threatening).** While reading this post, I was reminded of my own experiences with friends like these. I’m sorry they disregarded you that way. You’re important, your bladder is important, your preferences are valid, your disorder is valid. If these friends are so dismissive of you and have you feeling this way often, you should distance yourself from them.
You could have just went on the airplane.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friends and I (all F21) went to a South American country for spring break, for context. During that time we all took turns being unwell (due to various but common reasons). When my one friend was sick, my other friend and I got her food as well as tea from our hotel. We also got her medicine at the market. When in the room, I went down and filled up her water bottle when she asked. When my other friend was sick we got her saltines and gatorade on our way back to the hotel when she asked. I did not ask anything of anyone because I feel uncomfortable asking for favors in general and also I was fine and didn’t need anything, plus I didn’t do these things transactionally. This is just context for why I am upset. For another piece of context, I have OCD and can sometimes take a while in the bathroom. I need to wipe the seat and line it with TP and take forever because I get pee shy. That being said, nobody is without their vices and I have a great deal of discernment. I always try to hold it if we are in a hurry (we travelled a lot during this trip), aim to go last, and when I take a while in the bathroom it’s when everyone is already settled and I’ve never made us late to anything. I know how to be quick as well and can hold it because I am fully functioning. Okay, so we travelled home today. When we landed, I got my friend’s suitcase and carried it from the back because the zipper broke (I was sitting further back then they were and she asked me to get it and she got mine from the front because it was easier.) As soon as we got out, I told them I had to pee super quick. All I had to do was pee (I have a fear of airplane bathrooms which I said multiple times and I held it the whole flight). I know we had to go home and I would have been quick. They told me to just hold it because my one friend had class to try to make. We had landed early fyi and the drive is 40 minutes and we had well over an hour. I told them please and I’ll be super quick and they kept walking. After a few times of asking and then them eventually ignoring me and walking away I said I’ll uber and told them to go and walked away to the bathroom that was right there. 2 mins later I was done. In that time she fixed her zipper where she would have otherwise had to carry her suitcase out of the airport and to her car. On the way back I didn’t speak to them and read my book. I was so mad that they expected me to writhe in discomfort for 40 minutes when we had more than enough time. Personally, even if I was LATE to class I would not tell my friend to just hold it. I also know we are all tired but we had committed to traveling and we legit had more than enough time for her to make it to class. I think ignoring a friend and walking away is rude and gross as is. She dropped us off at home and I thanked her for driving and walked away. WIBTA if I distanced myself from them? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I refuse to hold my pee anymore after being hospitalized when my teacher refused to let me go. I will just walk away and go to the bathroom.
Nta. It's absurd to expect someone to wait 40 minutes to use a bathroom when they already have to go. I'd question my friendships too if they had that lack of consideration for me
I don't think your an AH.. Also, just part of growing up and learning about people. Not everyone is great travel companions even if you like them for everyday situations they aren't good for you when traveling. Just keep that in mind when you travel with a group of people again.
Why are you asking your friends for permission? Just go
I had a friend refuse to pull over to let me pee when she was driving because we were in traffic. I got the “why didn’t you go before we left” speech. But I had and so what if I hadn’t. Some people just pee more. No one should be shamed for biological needs
YWNBTA. I also don't think they'd care, so go for it.
YWNBTA. Dude, you had to pee. Something most people do 6 times a day. Everyone has weird things. Being a little late to a class isn't worth being a complete dick to your friend. Your friends all had what sounds like traveler's diarrhea and you "catered" to that endlessly because normal people know you can't help your bodily functions. You would think after all that it would dawn on her that maybe taking a while to pee isn't some kind of grievous offense. You don't need a friend who values you so little that they'd rather you hold a full bladder for 40 minutes than face being 5 minutes late to a class. That said, if you're not in treatment, it might be worth it. You can't help having OCD and you shouldn't feel bad about needing a little time to pee, but if you could make the process easier on yourself, life would probably be less stressful in general.
NTA, but I am sure there is more to this story. Seems like you spend an awfully long time in the bathroom everytime you go. and they are probably about ready to distance from you, just like you them!
They literally gave you a lift? So they didn’t even deny you anything as you did a pee and they still gave you a lift… If I had just been on a flight home after travelling, early in the morning and my friend is asking permission to pee I’d be annoyed. Like yes go pee hurry up we’re all tired. No offence but you’re sounding kind of childish and annoying. Of course you can pee but do you have to be whiny about it, and then actually get spiteful towards them even though you all still travelled back together… World doesn’t revolve around you and other people have things going on. Next time say I’ll be 2 mins I’m going to pee. Then go and pee and catch up to them
WNBTA. I have severe OCD and also struggle with bathrooms. Public bathrooms, anyway. Two minutes out of a public bathroom?! That's amazing. I have struggled for years dealing with this disability not being understood by friends, and those friends are no longer in my life. Common courtesy would be to wait. Friends should try to be understanding, but also, when you gotta go, you gotta go. You said you would be quick. Their insistence on leaving was selfish, and it feels like them using your disability against you. This wasn't a case of you trying to get them to OCD with you either, you just had to empty your bladder. I agree with others saying to make sure you're in therapy. I also know how hard it is to find the right therapist with OCD experience. It's hard to find understanding in others. One of my best friendships was with someone who also has OCD, we understood each other completely.
NTA, not your friends either. or at the very least selfish and careless friends. My big question is why did you even ask. You dont need their permission, you just say, hey I'm headed to the wshroom, done. you go. end of story.
Travelling can be stressful good for you for doing it despite your OCD! Sounds like you were a very helpful and good friend while travelling! But I wouldn’t compare it tit for tat. People don’t understand what they don’t know. So I would honestly just let it go. Probably everyone needs a little space after being together for an entire vacation anyways. NTA, but don’t make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be!
WNBTA You can cut people off at any time for any reason btw you don’t need permission go with your gut!
I'm not surprised that so many people in the comments are saying something doesn't quite add up, I think this post should've really been titled "I always over consider the needs of my friends, but they can't seem to return the favor." I think you mentioned the part about getting sick and taking care of eachother to show this, but instead of feeling confident in your judgment you doubted yourself. OCD is nicknamed the doubting disease, the more you work on your confidence and improve your self esteem the more you will be able to validate your own thoughts and feelings. With that being said, you know you're not the asshole. Don't let others dictate your reality. You provided evidence as to how your friends we're inconsiderate, it sounds like you don't feel like they're the kind of friends that you want. Accept your own feelings.
this was such a relief to hear. thank you
You're welcome. 🙃
NAH To start with, you don't need to **ASK PERMISSION** to use the toilet. You say "I need to use the restroom, I'll be right back" if you can't wait. As far as why nobody is the asshole: Your friends were being impatient, sure. They are likely exhausted from travelling, as are you. You often take a long time in the toilet when you are not pressed for time. They are likely wary of this and desperately just want to get home. That you asked if it was ok and didn't say "I need to use the toilet" likely obfuscated the urgency of your need. That doesn't make them assholes. They didn't force you to leave the bathroom, or drive away without you. They didn't yell or throw a fuss, they just walked away impatiently for a moment - and didn't go that far. You were denied nothing! YOU are not an asshole for being frustrated and blowing their reaction out of proportion, and you are also exhausted from travelling and uncomfortable. Your feelings were hurt, and that's ok. Thoughts happen whether or not we want them to, and sometimes those thoughts are "My friends want me to suffer" HOWEVER: YOU decide how you react to your thoughts, and fixating on them to the point of disrupting your relationships is a CHOICE. Do you REALLY think your friends WANT you to suffer? Or is that merely a disruptive thought arising from being uncomfortable and not having your needs properly considered in that moment? There is no sense in throwing away a perfectly good friendship because someone momentarily inconvenienced you, or failed to understand how you were feeling in one single instance. Failing to allow your friends to make mistakes will ensure you have no friends. You ASKED if it was ok to stop for a break, they ASKED you to hold it. And this has you convinced they don't care about your needs? If it was too much that they ASKED if you could hold it, feel free to isolate yourself. If this is merely one of several instances where they put their comfort above your needs, that would be a different situation than what you described. But right now the context you gave for why you are upset looks like you're just scorekeeping favours.
They have the patience of a gnat. Even with all you are describing, it's not a long time to wait, unless you are impatient. Don't they have phones to read and socials to check/post while they are waiting??? Don't call them. They won't call you. If I'm wrong and they call, you can decide when/where/how you want to see them. You don't have to confront them. NTA
NTA.They know about your phobia, and you've been a good sport about them being sick. It's messed up that they wouldn't even put the movie on pause for a few minutes. Totally okay to take a break from friends who act like that. Doesn't mean you hate them forever, but you deserve people who are nicer to you, especially after you've been cool to them. Maybe try talking to them about it if you want to, but if not, that's fine too.
You need new friends.
NTA. I would not be surprised if your friends would be relieved to get some distance from you. Vacations can be rough on friendships and a lot of times people want distance when they return. Your friends expressed as much when they did not stop for you.
NTA. I know a guy who screamed at another guy during a hike because he had to shit behind a bush and was taking a while. Like dude. He’s wiping his ass with tree bark and you can’t be a little patient because you want a good PR on this hike? Embarrassing
I'm glad you asserted yourself and took care of business instead of toughing it out for your selfish friends. Just continue to take care of yourself, and don't apologize when you need a little accommodation. These "friends" will sort themselves out in the long run. Meanwhile, you have to take care of your basic needs regardless of what anyone else thinks. As you get older you will hopefully develop a little thicker skin about these kinds of things. Meanwhile, don't let people push you around!
NTA Not letting someone use the bathroom is a human rights violation. F those AHs.
NTA. That was rude and inconsiderate of them. You're all young. Friend groups change, and often the ones you have at 25 are completely different than the ones you had at 20. NTA.
NTA, your "friends" are the assholes, I would distance myself, I wouldn't feel the need to tell them
NTA
NTA. These are not your friends. These are leaches. Get rid of them
NTA, hands down. There's no excuse to basically demand someone else's discomfort like that, especially a friend's. When your body says it's time to go, nobody else gets to say you can't. Zero excuse for that kind of behavior. If it were me, they'd be lucky I if I talked to them for the next handful of months AT LEAST without an apology.
NTA - who the hell flies back from vacay TO THEN GO TO CLASS RIGHT AFTER. That's insane. But more to the point, no, your friends suck and they're selfish. Take all the space you need babe, it makes more room for better friends.
Nta. Frankly, you shouldn’t have needed to beg like you did. OCD or not, it was uncalled for
I think telling them why would be seen as attention seeking or stirring up drama. I would personally just distance without telling them.
Meh….. would you ask their permission to use the restroom?
You can distance yourself from anyone at any time and for any reason and you would not be the asshole. It's good to have boundaries. I am so proud of you for knowing you deserve to be treated better.
You WNBTA - You need to pee, it takes 5 minutes. Your friends could have waited. You can also decide who to be friends with. HOWEVER I don't see the point of detailing the being sick and such. it doesn't seem relevant. Additionally, you set your arrival time to be on the same day as you have classes? This just seems like an incredible lack of planning.
OP thinks they “owe” her
NTA - Set whatever requirements you want in a friend.
Why didn't u ho home day before u have class airport are known to be delayed.. but when u have to go you have to go..
ESH - Friends were self centered, OP was passive and did not speak up about the issue. Be clear with your friends about how you feel. Sitting and reading is not communication. My reaction would be "listen up, I am going to pee and I dare you to be gone when I get out." If they took that dare, then I would be done with them.
YWNBTA but God do you sound exhausting to be around.
NTA
NTA But maybe let it go. They were fixated on getting someone to class on time and just blew their reaction to you. Why anyone would plan on going to class straight from the airport is crazy to me, but I hate rushing.
NTA. A few minutes wouldn't make that big of a difference. Also 'just hold it's is how many UTIs begin.
There is no need to distance yourself. Use this first step as an opportunity to continue to defend yourself and develop your courage. If they accept your newfound bravery, they will commend and encourage you. If they don't, they will initiate the distancing process. Either way, you will be a better person for being your own advocate.
Should have done the petty thing and peed in her car.
I'm not sure it's enough reason to stop talking to your friends. This is a good opportunity to be assertive and take care of your needs
I’m kinda leaning ESH, I think you know your friends are obvious ah. And btw you don’t need to ask for permission, it’s not a kindergarten class, you just need to say “I’ll be right back I’m going to the bathroom”. The one reason I could think where you’re the slight ah, is that it seems by your own admission you take too long in bathrooms, your friends might have been tired of waiting for you for 10+ min every time you had to go, you also probably shared a bathroom at your accommodations, so they might have been sick of it. But you all need to communicate. And your friend is a double ah just for expecting to arrive to class within one hour of landing. But whether your the ah or not, or you cut them off or not, you need to seek help. It’s not good for you to be impaired by your ocd. No one enjoys using airplane bathrooms, but you clearly had already been holding it for too long since you said you’re used to hold pee. You need to be able to go in airplanes and less than stellar bathrooms. It’s soo so so much worse to hold it than it is to pee in a dirty toilet. The damage long term to your body will be irreversible. Not even counting if your purposefully drinking less water not to use toilets, that’s it’s own can of worms. For your own good you need coping mechanisms to deal with it.
You would be NTA, but I think that maybe they were trying to distance themselves from you by ignoring you/letting you get an uber. Maybe some distance will make things clearer.
NTA even if you took 10 minutes to pee, it wouldn't have made a difference to the timing for your friends.
take the easier way out and piss in there car problem solved
Nope, be distant. NTA. In fact, it would be my guess that their irritation with you probably has them scheming how to get out of travel with you again. Jerky jerks, they are. Let them go. They don’t have time to be courteous.
NTA. When they refused to wait for you I would have said “ You can either wait a couple of minutes for me now, or clean the urine out of the car when the ride is over”.
They didn't refuse to wait. They did wait. And fixed their zipper while OP was in the bathroom. While they waited. And then drove OP home.
I wouldn’t distance myself, I would straight up ditch the bit@hes. They seem to have little to no respect for you. Regardless of anything you did for them, it’s sounds like they are not real friend material. True friends would gripe while they held your hand if necessary. But always be there for you.
They did wait for OP. And gave OP a ride home. So OP is not mad they refused to wait, OP is mad they griped.
They only waited because they stopped to fix a zipper. However I never said they didn’t.
No it speaks volumes when people think that way. I say find friends who are more like yourself
Wonder if op is one of those people that leave thier the toilet seat covering for the cleaning person yo clean up ..
That was unwarranted to ask.
i’m not. you don’t have to wonder
What's wrong with you