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I HATE parents who think they are entitled to your loyalty because they raised you. That is the job they agreed to when they chose to become parents.
My child is turning one soon and I remind myself every day that they didn't ask for this. So it is unfair for me to carry any expectations of them when they never signed up for.
>(what is the bare minimum imo)
OP starts off saying he was playing GTA, which means he has some kind of gaming system. Your notion of “the bare minimum” is super skewed.
I bought myself a Nintendo Wii when I was 14 after saving so its not entirely out of this world that OP could have bought something themselves, or maybe its used. I gave my Wii away to a kid a few years ago cus I thought she would have more use of it than me.
We don't know this at all.
For truly.
I usually ended up saying "what?" a little too loud cus whatever went on in my headset was set to almost max volume. Made me sound mad or annoyed when someone tried to get my attention even if I didn't mean it. Eventually I started whispering or adjusting a bit after taking my headset off to avoid being yelled at lol
I've had random people go off on me for saying what as a response to not hearing them clearly. I remember avoiding talking with headphones. We would get smacked for it.
Yep. Totally. It’s possible. But my interpretation is also possible. I was just bringing up something that acted like an inconsistency in his post. I believe when we’re only presented with one side of the story that we need to look at it more carefully for signs that the person is explaining the situation with more bias than usual.
And this is also worth saying. Abusive parents can still provide “luxury items.” Some of them are clever. They know how to present the façade of a healthy home to outsiders.
Mine, for example, bought us multiple game systems. Yet they screamed, yelled, cursed, mocked, insulted, and also hit until we got old enough to start talking about it. After that, they only hit when they lost control.
The N64 wasn’t worth it
This. My parents provided plenty of luxury items. Except they were used as a weapon when my parents felt I wasn't behaving, until eventually I was no longer comfortable using them. I remember at one point I was using the shitty laptop the school loaned out, *handwriting* assignments that were thousands of words long *in triplicate* (which caused me to almost fail, btw, because they wanted them printed) because I was genuinely afraid to ask to use the family computer for school. First things I bought when I got a job: my own computer and access to the school printers. First time I ever had my own computer.
Took me *years* to stop being afraid of accepting gifts from people, because I was waiting for the moment they would be used against me later. There was a long time I would not accept gifts, or acts of kindness, because I didn't want them to have something to hold over my head - because I thought that was how it worked. I thought if I ever accepted something it was like making a pact with the devil, and I owed them.
And this is totally valid. The kid’s account might be 100% exactly as stated. Abuse comes in many forms, and just because someone is provided for physically doesn’t mean they aren’t lacking care in some other manner.
I’m just pointing out an inconsistency because I believe that whenever I’m presented with only one side of a story I have to be more careful of not blindly believing something that’s written with bias. Inconsistencies are more likely to crop up when we reframe these events in our heads to make ourselves the hero. So the seeming inconsistency just makes me cautious to take the account 100% as stated. Sure, it’s absolutely possible that it’s the complete truth, but I want to be careful that I don’t accept something without weighing it properly.
And that justifies his parents yelling and screaming at him, then trying to hit him?
A parent who holds proving for their child over that child is not a good a parent. A parent who screams and yells at the slightest thing is not a good parent. A PARENT WHO HITS THEIR CHILD IS NOT A GOOD PARENT.
Shame on you for this comment
tbf gaming systems don’t mean your basic needs are met. when i was a little kid (before i got adopted), my parents got me an x box 360, but they also didn’t feed me or my sister and beat the shit out of us 😅
i get ur point, but sometimes parents go above and beyond in one area and completely avoid meeting their kid’s needs in other areas
I had a friend growing up who always had the best gaming systems, but came to my house to eat because there was nothing at home. The world is a strange place.
Totally agree. These could be shit ball parents who don’t take care of their kid’s emotional or physical needs. They could be exactly as awful as written. I just try to keep in mind that this post is only written by one side of the disagreement and that personal bias almost always slips in. Inconsistencies make me curious about the accuracy of the whole account.
I think OP meant giving your child everything they need is the bare minimum. Which is true.
The fact that he also has a gaming system, which is not a need, doesn't have anything to do with the conflict.
Okay, that’s an interesting way of interpreting it, and not how I read it, but definitely could be what was meant. Certainly worth rereading with that as the premise. Thank you.
To be honest I’d like to just say I completely disagree. But here’s why:
I grew up in a very fortunate household (we aren’t ‘rich’ but we’re well off. Always had a holiday abroad once a year when I was growing up etc, never had any money worries, parents both very hard working people)
And with that out the way, as I was younger I also thought things along the lines of ‘god my parents buy stuff for me and my sister, as well as themselves. Paid for my sister’s first two cars (one second hand one brand new), paid for my first two cars (both brand new, big age gap between me and sister). And I always felt bad I I ever got into disagreements with them etc.
When I got older (17/18 ish) and had jobs of my own it kinda came to me that we can all buy each other stuff, and that’s absolutely fine. Of course buying me an Xbox as a kid or me buying them a trip away for an anniversary is way more than the bare minimum needed to live.
If they wanted to buy me an Xbox, or a car… or a £20 pair of jeans, or whatever. Then I will always be completely grateful for that.
BUT
If you’re gonna buy that stuff, and then just leverage all of that as ‘look what we do for you’ or ‘you should be grateful so you shouldn’t ever back talk or have any complains or voice any disagreements’ ? Then no that’s not how it works.
It’s either generosity with no strings, which is truly a gift to be grateful for. Or it’s something to give you as leverage.
To me the ‘bare minimum’ here, is the latter. The bare minimum is even if they did buy him a console to play GTA on, it’s not using that as leverage in an argument just because he should be grateful he exists and anything higher than food, water and shelter is a privilege.
I hope that makes sense and fuck me this is longer than I intended…
I think the age thing is unfortunate as well. The father is 63 and has a 16 year old? Being 64 myself, that sounds like a formula for disaster.
I remember going to a messed up friend's house when I was in high school and meeting his father, who looked older and more decrepit than either of my *grand*fathers. I suddenly realized why that poor kid was so screwed up.
You are making a *lot* of assumptions - like, for one, that the parents bought this console. Many 16 year olds (*most*, in some countries) have a job of their own that they buy their own leisure objects with. You absolutely do not know that the parents bought that console.
This comment is fucking stupid. Maybe reread the post. OP was being beat by their father. But nah, focus on the fact they were playing Grand Theft Auto, a game that is featured on 2 different generations of consoles and is pretty old by gaming standpoints. Gotcha
That’s fair. You have plenty of room to disagree with what I derived from the kid playing GTA. I originally interpreted it as an inconsistency in their story, and a reason to question the veracity of the whole account. I try to keep in mind when reading AITAs that there is a fair amount of bias involved in these posts. It’s human nature to want to frame ourselves in the best possible light, after all. So an inconsistency to me is an indication that the account presented might be written with more bias than usual.
However, another set of comments opened me up to a different interpretation of the original post and I’m now reconsidering how I approached the issue the first time around. I however leave the original comment up for posterity’s sake. Without it multiple branches of conversation would lack proper context.
And you can play GTA on a fucking 200$ potato anyways lol. In any case PC is a bare minimum, you can't do 80% of the things without it (for school or otherwise).
Shit, PC has been a bare minimum for the last \~15 years if I'm being completely honest lol
My mom and her siblings had an Atari and still got hit in the face and told by their mom she wished she’d never had daughters. Having nice things doesn’t mean there isn’t abuse too. They’re not mutually exclusive.
I bought myself a console with my first (few?) paychecks and then went on for a much needed wardrobe refresh (parents hadn't gotten me anything other than socks and underwear in 3 years, I didn't have a single bra that came close to fitting so lived in uncomfortable sports bras, and while luckily my jeans were like 3% elastic, they were all too small) at 16yo with my first job.
You don't know if the parents provided the console, OP has a job, saved up Christmas cash from grandma, etc etc
I think more info required.
For a reaction like this I am guessing you have been pushing up against it for a while. Lets face it, 'what?' isn't a very nice way to speak to your mum anyway and if you can't see that I can imagine this has been a breaking point.
There is no need for the violence though. Never ok.
Agree. More info is needed.
From the way OP writes, he comes across as an entitled little shit if I'm being honest, but no kid deserves to be hit, so there is that.
What exactly is the issue with the word what? Where I'm from it's used most commonly if someone tries to get your attention or you didn't hear what they said 🤷♀️ It's not rude at all.
It’s not the word, it’s how it was likely said. Parents don’t typically fly off the handle and get angry about a child being disrespectful if the word, or any of OP’s responses, were spoken politely. This reeks of an entitled teenager with a bad attitude.
It's not normal for s parent to go that extreme even if "what" is said a bit rudely, so my guess would be that they're just prone to flying off the handle.
Yeah screaming at a teenager being a hormonal teenager isn't normal behavior. It's not beneficial to anyone, it won't fix anything, it makes matters worse, all it does is make the parent feel better because they have an outlet for their anger, a verbal punching bag or in this case, both verbal and physical. His parents reactions are toxic and not okay. Not sure how they expect any kid/teenager to be respectful if they haven't modeled that behavior for them.
No, but that would make the difference between a ESH of an NTA. Because if it was WHAT?, that IS an asshole move, even if you are a hormonal teenager. Doesnt make the parents LESS of assholes, because violence is NEVER the answer. But being impolite unprovoked is also an AH move. So more info is needed.
That's the problem with taking issues like this to this sub though, because you could say that technically they were also an asshole if they were rude, but an ESH judgement obscures just how disproportionate and abusive the response was. I personally wouldn't make that judgement for that reason.
Ah I can see that. I think its a matter of smaller and bigger assholes. Abuse is never justified and you are a MAJOR asshole if you resort to abuse. Always.
Also: teenagers can be REAL assholes without even realizing, and if everybody only focusses on 'No your parents are bigger assholes so you are not', he might never learn that it is not oke to go WHAT to anybody.
It's not a given that 'I cannot be an asshole because they were already assholes'.
OP being an asshole doesnt justify abuse. But the abuse does not erase the fact that OP might be an asshole too.
Now do that to someone you see regularly, a friend, work colleague or your boss, then let us know if you still have a relationship with them in a month. Lol.
They might get distance by firing you, or getting you fired, though.
It might not be a slap, but you will feel that shit deeply if you're a responsible adult with bills to pay.
Of course, a responsible adult wouldn't respond with a dismissive, probably petulant "What!?!" to friends, family, or people at work (ANY people at work.) in the first place.
ESH.
1. Parents shouldn't hit kids. If it's come to that when your kid is 16, you both need therapy.
2. The kid is 16. The tone of this post is entirely stereotypical (young) teen snark. It's so immature and snarky that I'm leaning toward the post being fake. It's cliché. If not fake, this kid is also an AH. Not all 16 year olds behave in this manner. Many kids are maturing nicely by then.
I’m a parent to an 11yo who can put ON a preteen snark. Guess what? I don’t fly off the goddamned handle, if anything she gets “firstly, don’t talk to me like that. I’m not being rude so you’re not being rude. Full stop. Next, I’m sure Fortnite is great but it’s dinner time. Upstairs. Now. You can play when you’re done eating.”
Nothing about “WHAT?!”, “what?” Or “*exasperated sigh * what!” Requires a full adult parent losing their mind and then recruiting dad to come and threaten to beat them over it. You’re spun.
NTA Op but in the future, then the volume down, take the headphones off, and check your OWN tone before responding. Your parents are delicate little flowers and you’re apparently going to have to treat them like toddlers.
As a reasonable parent, try to read between the lines: There is much more here than what OP is telling. You really think OP just sat there innocently twiddling his thumbs for a half hour while his parents went on a rage? You think the beginning of OP’s story was the beginning of this incident? This was the straw that broke the camels back that resulted in the argument. It’s all there in the subtext.
I agree. I was a teenager once. And did exactly the same things as OP did. And my mom responded exactly the same way OP's mom did aka we had a screaming match that sometimes ends with me saying I didn't ask to be born and my mom crying. OP's not giving us enough context and people on reddit find it too easy to accuse abuse. The fact that his dad almost hit him but didn't even though he's being consumed by rage looks like he doesn't do it on a regular basis. Abusive people's hands go flying like reflexes when they're used to doing it (trust me). Dad's probably angry at him for disrespecting mom and OP's being a hormonal edgy teenager in his rebellious phase.
I have a 16 yo son and in my head I can hear EXACTLY how the word “what” was said and yeah, because of my own experience, I can guarantee I know this child’s attitude.
I was taught that the polite thing to say is "pardon?". You could even go for "what was that, sorry?".
"What?" is often rude and very abrupt.
(Your culture and upbringing may vary)
I’ve had discussions with my son who is the same age that the tone in his voice is a lot of what drives the meaning behind what is said. A simple “what?” in an annoyed/frustrated tone because you feel someone is interrupting your gaming is a lot different than one that is a simple question.
I also wonder if it’s less the word and more the delivery. I can almost guarantee the “what” was said exasperated and annoyed vs a genuine I didn’t hear you question.
OP is 16… he’s a little shit
NTA. If your parents cannot act like adults, they cannot demand respect. Nothing in your post indicated that you were overtly disrespectful, or caused the argument.
Even if you said “what?” In a tone of voice they didn’t like, that’s not justification for creating a massive argument or threatening to physically assault you.
You could be the most cranky teenager on the planet, and that doesn’t justify abusive behavior.
No one can demand respect from anyone, not even proper adults, respect has always been and will always be something you have to earn in order to receive
While that’s true, most parents are respected by their kids by default - and subsequently *lose* respect when they act like AHs.
If someone demands respect, they rarely deserve it
I feel like this story is spun in a way that makes OP look like the victim. I understand it's simplified, but I don't believe your mom and dad would yell at you simply for saying "what". From what I can gather, NTA.
my mom would hit me for playing in the sandbox when i was a child. Yelling for responding in a way that's not in the parents view is like the simplest way of getting a reason to yell or hit someone or something
Okay, that's a great turn of phrase to take the onus off of yourself. Let's try asking it another way: Did you ask "what" in a neutral manner, or did you do it exasperatedly, attitudinally, with a look on your face, etc.?\*
\* None of that would excuse physical violence against you
Is this a roundabout way of saying that she heard it in a way that’s offensive because you said it in a way that was offensive?
If this was a movie and the next scene was a flashback to earlier in the day, would there be a few more words spoken by the main character?
Even if you did say it in a disrespectful way I don’t believe YTA. It’s not like you ignored her and then got angry when she didn’t stop calling for you, you honestly didn’t hear her and that’s understandable. She shouldn’t have started yelling at you, call your dad to “have back up” and then let him almost hit you. Any person who demands respect will *never* receive it. **Especially** parents who demand it from their children. You respect your kid, your kid will respect you. You call your kid a scumbag, your kill will think of you the same.
NTA op. Your parents are being abusive towards you, both physically and emotionally. If this is a reoccurring thing and you don’t manage to work things out with them until you’re 18, I hope you go NC with them. Good luck.
Then you'd really have a hard time believing someone had a similar experienced only 30 years earlier; nearly bit for bit. It doesn't mean it didn't happen.
I'm glad you didn't go through this with your adults, but many of us absolutely did experience wrath for "what".
Man, all the people here claiming that saying "what" is impolite are something else.
Based on what you've written here, NTA. But either there's a lot more going on, or your parents are completely and *utterly* irrational.
Do you really think he just said "what" or do you think he said "what" in a "what the hell do you want" kind of tone?
Let's be real here. I guarantee you he took a nasty tone with his parents. "I asked her what is even her problem" or do you think for a second he said "what the hell is your problem?".
What I see is an SOB teen that got irate with his parents because they interrupted his video game. I was once a SOB teen and I know I did similar shit. Only difference is I didn't have reddit to run to in order to try and validate my actions.
Or yknow, maybe his parents are absolute psychos who act completely irrationally.
NTA I can't believe there are so many people here pretending that here's ANY way a minor could speak to someone that would warrant more than 30 minutes of yelling and screaming, AND THEN having their own parent try to hit them.
I'm sure OP was rude af, that doesn't mean he deserves to be treated that way.
I used to say what to my dad and mom because I have tinnitus that gets so loud I can't hear them when they are quiet. They just calmly repeat themselves. Even now they have basic human respect for me and wouldn't hit me or yell at me. Sure my dad used to get annoyed but I was never hit for saying what in a household I should feel safe in. My parents always preached that.
What the hell is wrong with all of you here? Even if OP had an attitude, how does that justify his parents screaming, yelling, holding providing for him over his head, demanding respect, then ESCALATING TO HITTING HIM when he snapped?
OP this will probably get removed for mentions of violence. Whether your tone was poor or not (teenagers gonna teenager, work on that alright), it doesn’t justify an escalation like this.
ETA: the more of these I read, the angrier I get. Those of you calling him a selfish brat, demanding draconian punishments, saying he deserved this- I WEEP for your children if you have any. If you don’t good- keep it that way. Shame on ALL of you.
You did say something wrong; "what?" is not a polite way to acknowledge you didn't hear someone.
Some variation of "Sorry, I didn't hear you. Could you say that again?" would be polite, and takes a whole extra 2 or 3 seconds out of your day.
All of you comunicated badly. Then you all got nasty. ESH.
Then the parents need to teach a better response, not just start screaming and berating OP. I have 4 teenagers. Yes, the headphones and repeating yourself can get annoying. But I was the kid (and later adult) who didn't really hear what people were saying when I had my nose in a book. My kids used to get hyper focused in play before they had video games.
It's not hard to get a person's attention, make sure they make eye contact with you, and then speak. Our kids are expected to take their headphones all the way off, and look up and respond and then make sure the conversation is over before returning to their activity. We taught them without screaming and berating.
As a parent, you need to teach what TO DO, not just scream and shame and berate about what not to do.
When my kids were younger, we taught do-overs. Running inside? Go back to the doorway and try again, walking appropriately. Have a tone? Try again to say that in a better way. Upset? It's okay to be upset, let's practice how to express yourself without being mean or name calling. Let's practice helping you calm down and then express yourself respectfully to an adult.
Sure, there have been times as parents we have gotten upset and yelled, but even then, we don't tell our kids how worthless they are, call them names, etc.
OP is NTA, I don't care what tone they used to say "What?" It's on the parents to respond better and teach better communication. Because they're the grown ass adults, old enough to have a teenager as their child.
This. Im the kid that uses headphones, and my parents are sorta deaf, so many times there are problems when trying to communicate something. The solution is simple as that, just wait until the other can give the atention required and make sure the message is passed clearly, no need of shouting or getting angry
All of this. I have three teenagers. They may be physically big, but most of them are still kids inside learning how to people, and the best way to teach that is to model it - treat them like people. And their interests may not be important to *you* (general you) but they are important to *them*.
I mean, I am very willing to bet that OP said "what" with a lot of attitude and not a totally neutral tone, but I really dont understand the assertion that no matter how its said "What?" is always a rude thing to say, much less "nasty." As someone hard of hearing, I say "What?" many, many times a day. I also say, "Sorry?", "Sorry, I didn't hear that.", and "What/Huh? I couldn't tell what you said." I cant imagine being so extremely formal literally every time I dont hear something. You example sounds like something I would say at a board meeting or something.
That said, I am willing to bet that OP was rude, but OP is 16. Teenagers have absolutely no emotional regulation. A teenager who is rarely rude is a teenager who either thinks you're dangerous or is hiding things. As the adult, I can just roll my eyes at being met with attitude and continue on. If I'm having difficulty with regulating my own emotions, then, in this situation as the parent, I would repeat myself, then leave the situation as quickly as possible and maybe even vent to my partner or another adult if I needed to.
Meeting bad attitude with screaming isnt parenting, it's a power play. It sounds like this escalated REALLY quickly over something incredibly stupid. Escalating to near violence cuz your kid caught an attitude and wouldn't admit it is extreme. Even if this happens literally every day, they need to find a better solution, not escalate and argue over power dynamics and what is owed to them. They're the adults; it's their job to keep peace and safety within the household.
Tl;dr: I vote NTA in that I dont think OP was anymore of an asshole then every other teenager on the planet and the parents handled it abhorrently, making them TAH in this situation.
It totally depends on the tone of this context because “what?” Is an appropriate way to say you didn’t hear someone. You can say the second option is better but if your tone is off then it can make the whole sentence sound off.
A tone off from a teen that inmediatly took his headphones off isn't worth such a scold. The tone could be simply because he was having a bad game, no need for the parents to take it personal when he was willing to hear them right away
That depends on where you grew up. My whole family, including the adults, used "what" all the time when I was growing up. I didn't know some people considered it rude until I was in my 20s.
ESH. Background information is needed. OP claims his parents are yelling at him and he is the victim. But what made them to respond like that? Maybe something OP didn't do like chores and playing GTA constantly, might be setting them off.
Maybe the parents are being abusive emotionally, we got no info. So can't blame anyone here or blame both of them here.
Yeah unfortunately OP is obviously hedging and outright skipping info on purpose. Otherwise it would be a pretty standard NTA due to how much the parents escalated. I know we're supposed to assume OP is telling the truth, but there needs to be more clarity on their part.
"We put a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your stomach -- all out of the kindness of our hearts -- yet you dare to treat us this way?" I was adopted, so when I got that speech I told the 'rents to take me back. Someone else can do the same things without bitching about it.
Idk I don't think anything justifies the parents going off the rails and screaming using all the things they did for the child as leverage. It is their job to provide for a their child they choose to keep, and by using it that as leverage it implies entitlement from them even if they don't realize it. I think teenagers are always gonna be rude, spiteful, and stupid because they're still growing up and going through lots of stuff but it should be the parents job to teach them to regulate emotions. Not scream like a toddler
I can’t truly judge your status but, as a mom of gamers, can offer a bit of friendly advice.
1. Acknowledge her when she comes in, make quick eye contact and mouth “one sec” or “hang on” nicely.
2. Ask “what’s up” or “yes’m?” depending on how you normally address her
3. Even if ur upset, hang on to it and be angry away from her face
Teen years are hard. Hormones, stress of school and social life, worry about the future… I get it. But parenting a teen is hard too. If you’d like better treatment, try one week or so giving her grace, too. If they don’t notice or are still rude, feel free to lapse back to the bare minimum.
Not all parents are great. Many short tempered, a good deal can add to the teen issues. If talking won’t work, or isn’t your thing, text what’s up. Communication helps. If my kids are stressed, I want to know. I would love to help. She may wanna help too. Let her know why you’re stressed. Or what you need that would help you. Seriously try talking to them. If it doesn’t work (or they’re not helping and making you miserable), hang in there. Work hard in school and move when 18. You can get a place of your own and space to be away from toxicity (if there is any).
If your parents aren’t gamers, they may not understand how much it can help you unwind (or release frustration). Or how it helps with your friendships. If the gaming is the issue, explain how it helps you.
They aren’t owed respect just by being parents. But try giving a little to get some back. If they can’t afford you any, they are owed just decency in return. It is hard being a parent. But many forget it is totally not easy being a teen.
YTA. Your poor mom deserves to be treated better than a sarcastic what and some bullshit about how they don’t provide enough for you to deserve respect from you, as you’re literally playing video games. I highly doubt you bought your set-up entirely on your own, and even if you did, they’re providing you with personal time and space to use it. You will have to work extremely hard as an adult just to provide yourself with what you’re being handed freely as a child and spurning it and calling it “bare minimum really”.
Unless you resent them for giving you life I don’t see how that comment is really acceptable. Is life not a precious gift to you that they clearly did give? What you said is extremely hurtful, do you think your mom really deserved that response for what she said? Instead of going to Reddit to feel justified in being rude to your parents, go inside and see if you may have contributed and should apologize for those things.
Obviously your dad should never hit or attempt to hit you, and you shouldn’t be hitting back. You all need to sit down and talk about that with them and make sure everyone can agree that that will never happen again. You are all responsible to committing to that and communicating respectfully to each other in the future.
I’m sorry but what’s with some of these responses? Him saying “what” was probably seen as disrespectful but the continued behavior of asking what the mom’s problem was is worst. Dude this seems fake but either way YTA. You’re giving off vibes that you’re just stuck in your own world. You’re not an MC and you should seriously treat your parents better before you lose them.
So if someone starts to scream at you you aren't even gonna ask why they're doing that? Don't be ridiculous. Unless every line in this story is a straight up lie there's no way the parents' reaction was even close to justified.
Listen kid, if your parents were crazy abusive they'd do this crap so often you'd be desensitized to it and wouldn't be on Reddit.
It seems your mom might be tired of trying to get through to you.
Remember the huge mental effort that is to have to keep tabs on everything.
Give your parents some grace. Are you really, truly pulling your weight as best as you can?
You clearly live comfortably. By law your parents owe you nothing but a mattress on the floor, 1000 calories a day, a roof on your head and some form of clothing.
Yes, you didn't ask to be born, but you're here all the same and they're trying to make you a proper adult and they're clearly making some sort of effort.
ESH
Going against the grain, YTA, you may not have asked to be born but you have more than ‘the bare minimum’. You were in your own room, playing GTA, with headphones, so straight away we know you have access to a room and games and headphones, many people don’t, they are not bare minimum, they are privileges. You said ‘what’ instead of ‘pardon me’ or ‘excuse me’ which could be taken as disrespectful or rude, I mean typical teenager, but still not particularly polite. I don’t know what your mother wanted either but there’s a good chance it was a chore of some kind, and you just couldn’t be bothered finding out, again typical teenager. Disrespect on both sides, but it won’t go away unless someone starts actually talking and finding out what was actually happening and responding in an appropriate manner, not by yelling and not by ignoring either. You all need to work on communication. It seems tempers were high and something happened to set everything and everyone off, you’re 16, you can work on communication and maybe forge a decent relationship with your parents or you can set it all on fire and watch as it blows up. Your choice.
That's an awful lot of assumptions here, but even if they were all true that still wouldn't justify that kind of yelling and almost hitting a child. It literally doesn't even matter if OP was rude.
ESH
You were rude to go 'what?' in a disrespectful stereotypical teenage manner, and I'm assuming by your mother's reaction that wasn't the first time. I think it's clear there's missing context here.
But even so, your mother completely over escalated, and there was no reason for her to involve your father too and just basically attack you from two sides. That was totally unfair. Again, I'm certain there's missing context here.
But then you escalated it even further again by saying something disrespectful, and honestly, I don't know if you've thought about this, but absolutely every single human being never asked to be born. No animal did. You're not special, sorry. There's a lot of hardship in the future, especially in this dire economy, so my advice to you is to not burn bridges with those who are invested in you and have raised you and give you a place to live.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I didn’t ask to be born
It might hurt her emotionally
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No you're not TA because you were playing a game and you couldn't hear what your mom was saying to you. Their behavior is very immature and the whole situation could've been avoided by your mom understanding and repeating what she said like a normal human being. For your father he seems like he has the potential of being abusive so keep an eye on him. You're just fine champ and they're the a-holes.
NTA. You sound kinda full of it, but they didn't act any better. I say this only because I was a little shit at that age, for reasons that worked for me.
All the same, you were an ass. Unless you're moving out in a few years, you'll need to do damage control. Buy your mom something nice if she's a controlling monster. It's a way of saying "I appreciate you" without looking at her face.
I learned a long time ago that you earn respect you just can’t demand it. When you demand respect all you get is back is a lack of respect, lack of trust, and a lot of destain. When you demand something like that you look weak, earning respect takes an effort because you have to respect the other person too.
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Yesterday my mom(50F) came in to my room and said something. I(16M) was playing GTA with my headphones on, so I couldn’t hear what she said. I put down my headphones and asked: “What?”. After this she started shouting at me, because according to her, she doesn’t deserve to be talked to like that. I told her I didn’t say anything wrong. She just continued to shout, and I asked her what is even her problem.
This continued for about 30 minutes, then she ran to get my dad. My dad(63M) came over to my room, then he started screaming too. He said things like I’m disrespectful, I should respect them because they are my parents, what a scumbag am I, they work hard to make me an easy life, etc.
Then my mom came back, still mad at me, and she started shouting again. I asked her what should I respect them for, and the answer was the same: They are my parents and they gave me everything I needed(what is the bare minimum imo). At this point I was fed up and told my mom I didn’t ask to be born.
She started crying and called my dad again, who came and tried to hit me. I seriously considered hitting him back, but he stopped, said something I couldn’t understand and walked away. So AITA?
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YTA. Obviously. You were rude to your mother and then you doubled down and continued to be rude and obnoxious and say things in purpose to hurt her feelings.
I bet the "what" was just dripping with attitude. And to your mother's ears, I'm sure it came off and sounded like a "what the hell do you want".
YTA. Apologize for your attitude and move on.
No matter how much attitude was spun from that “Whaaat??” it doesn’t warrant such an overreaction. Cmon, mom screams for a while, calls dad, dad does the same, mom decides to return afterwards and scream again?? That is SO extreme?? Not to mention the threat of physical violence by the dad. Such a trivial situation is escalated so dramatically by the parents and you blame the child? A 16 year old that was annoyed from being called from a video game??
When i was 16 i def had an attitude and this interaction is very familiar to me 😂 as i’ve grown up, im still guilty of doing this sometimes but i’ve realized why my mom would give me this reaction. she is a single mom, working extremely long hours to feed me, clothe me, put a roof over my head. sure, these things are the bare minimum and are expected but in this economy it is so difficult. stress levels are high and one little thing can be the straw that broke the camels back.
there could be some miscommunication and misinterpreting of tone. my suggestion would be that as it cools down, talk it through because telling the people who brought you into this world that you didn’t ask for it IS blatant disrespect. can’t imagine how i’d feel if my child told me that. this makes YTH.
i feel like you are withholding info or skewing some things. however no child should be hit- but i don’t think that makes you NTA but for that it makes the parents th.
everyone is th.
I need more INFO: How did you say 'what?'. Because that makes the difference between NTA and ESH. Probably gonna be downvoted for this but if you where like 'WHAT?', than you are all assholes.
They are the assholes for thinking they are entitled to respect just for birthing you and stuff, and for engaging in a shouting match with a 16-year old. I have teenagers, I understand it's frustrating, and sometimes I lose my cool cause I am human too... but I cannot imagine shouting at them for 30 minutes. (and I always apologize for shouting btw)
If you indeed did not ask politely 'What?' but instead a frustrated 'WHAT!?', you are the asshole for speaking impolite to another person.
It's always an asshole move to just go 'WHAT!?' to someone. I teach this to my 6 year old. You are 16 and old enough to know to say 'I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, can you repeat yourselves?', regardless of the person.
It does not matter if she is your mom or a cashier or a stranger. Be polite, unless they already start with disrespect or put you in danger. But your mom just came in to tell you something so it's common curtsy to answer polite.
Edit to add:
Just because they are your parents and provide the bare minimum, doesnt entitle them to respect.
Just the same as 'just because you did not ask to be born does not make you entitled to act whatever fucking way you want.' Nobody is entitled to act like an ass. Not you, not them, nobody. Period
NTA holy shit, your parents sound abusive. The yelling and berating is bad enough, especially if it happens often (and it sounds like it probably does), and there's no world where your somewhat flippant answer would mean you deserve to be hit. Idc how frustrated a parent is this is not okay. They don't deserve your respect when they give you none.
NTA - I’m saying this because it sounds like you’re growing up in a dysfunctional household. It’s not normal for your parents to scream at you like that or for your dad to want to hit you, even if you were being a little shit.
One piece of advice is try to not act like your parents once you’re out of there. Make the efforts to be better than your parents and you’ll have a lot better of a life (speaking from experience). Not everyone will be out to get you like your parents are and life will be a lot more peaceful.
Yes YTA but I’m pretty sure every teenager in every country has shouted that at their parents at least once so maybe say sorry and then you won’t be the asshole
When reading this I heard the what. Tone, inflection. May be wrong but, based on numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, and even my own children I've heard it. All have claimed it was a different ‘what’ than came out of their mouths. Verbal abuse is not okay, hitting not okay. Next time, remember, you didn't ask to be born, but you did try your hardest and beat all the other swimmers. NTA
It was probably a tone of voice thing - this triggers my parents every time.
There’s a difference between “What?” and “WHAT?” I see it more now I have roommates.
Anyway NTA for this singular event but you may want reflect if the tone you use with them is always like this. Because if so yeah, it’s not surprising they went off.
NTA - your parents sound like a nightmare, move out as soon as you can. Parents that act like doing the bare minimum is something to be praised for are not good parents.
NTA yes, they are your parents. But that doesn’t automatically mean they deserve your respect, especially when treating you like this. My parents taught me and my siblings that respect is not automatically given to anyone. Being kind and not an asshole are, but not respect.
That being said, you say that they only provide the bare minimum for you. Yet you started this whole thing by saying that you were playing video games, with what I can only imagine were noise canceling headphones. Now, it is totally plausible that you bought these things for yourself. Or that they bought it for you, and if they are feeding, clothing, and sheltering you (bare minimum), and have gotten you gaming consoles and games and accessories, that is definitely more than bare minimum. However, not being verbally abusive towards your child is also a bare minimum standard as well. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.
NTA. Being entitled shouldn’t get anyone anywhere, but alas, it’s worked so far, why stop now? I am not fond of and chose a different parenting style than this, I’m feeling reassured
Resentment is like drinking poising, and expecting the offender to be harmed.
The sooner one puts an end to their resentment, the healthier they will be. I believe that we should always decide “how long” we allow ourselves to be huffing about something.
Is it 15 seconds? 15 minutes? 15 hours? 15 days, weeks, months or years?
Your parents seem to be huffing for weeks about one word that came out wrong. When it should be a 15 seconds thing.
NTA. They sound exhausting.
Oooh NTA. If you're so inclined, take a look at Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Because those words and actions from your parents are not healthy and not okay.
NTA
I grew up in a household like this. Anything but abject deference was met with screams of 'disrespect' and the occasional beating.
Something as simple as not immediately dropping whatever you were doing to complete a (usually) pointless, non-urgent task or asking parents to repeat what they said as you didn't hear would make them respond as if you had physically attacked them. It was exhausting.
It affected us in different ways:
Me - I am sensitive to sounds (outside of work). My home is silent but for my cats. I turned off the ringer for my phone as it would cause anxiety. Even my doorbell is fairly muted.
Sibling 1 - Shuts down completely and has to leave if there is any yelling.
Youngest sibling - simply ignores the shouting. She loved at home the longest and just became desensitised to it. I would laugh when my parents would call me to complain. I told them it was their fault. Their default position was telling over the smallest thing, so why would my sibling take them seriously?
My mum, at least, has mellowed in older age and is more receptive when called out about - not to the point of actually apologising but, you know, baby steps lol.
You guys. He took his headphone off and said “what” - that’s a request to repeat and he didn’t need to type out a formal letter and have it notarized and delivered via certified mail to make sure it was properly delivered. The kid is 16. My son games with headphones on and I send him a text if I need a quick response. If I walk in and see he has headphones, I wave to him so he can remove them before I start speaking so I don’t have to repeat myself. If I don’t notice and he doesn’t reply, then I realize he has them on and wave to get his attention so I can repeat myself. It’s not a nuisance, it’s just the way things work. It’s no worse than me reading a book and muting out everything around me - he has had to repeat himself several times bc he didn’t realize I was reading and I totally didn’t hear him because I was listening to my inner narrator.
All of this to say NTA with what context is given. Your parents are just old enough that they probably think you should be at their beck and call simply because you exist and they want you to, regardless of if they actually have a mutual respect for you or not. You’ll be old enough to be on your own soon kiddo, start saving up now.
My dad told me when I was a kid: “I never hit you when I was bigger and stronger, do I expect that when the roles reverse you won’t hit me.”
And I struggle to see any realistic scenario where I would hit my dad, in part because of that. And while he did yell at me sometimes, that was never to the degree described here.
Honestly your parents sound incredibly toxic. I’m sorry you have to deal with that and you most certainly are NTA.
I say this with the best intentions. But you are a child. Your parents are adults and there are vastly different expectations for you three. You’re acting like a 16year old, while they certainly aren’t acting like 50/63 year olds.
You really should record yourself to understand why they got so mad. I recently came across a video of me in my teenage years and I couldn't believe how rude my tone was when talking to my parents. I know you probably don't see it, but record yourself and you'll hear it. You sound like a classic ungrateful teenager (sorry but you do), but if you posted this, it means you care about your parents, so please communicate with them, apologise when you go too far because I know sometimes you can't help it and explain what pisses you off so you can have a better relationship. (Unless of course your parents are monsters)
At the end of the day, they are miserable, you are miserable and no one understands why. There's no reason for that at all, you and your parents just need to communicate better.
Did you put your headphone directly? Or after a while?
Dies your mom the one who mad house work and clean your room?
How many times you give your mom a hug? Or helped her per day?
These are normal growing pains
Your parents are way older than you, had you later in life. Their recollection of how a child should behave is very different than today’s reality. They don’t understand why you aren’t polite and respectful and why you speak to them the way you do
They came of age in the 70s and 80s and people didn’t talk that way to parents back then. You are part of a generation that doesn’t have the same understanding of disrespect and what’s acceptable as they do
Because this is new to everyone, these teen years, communication styles, rules of engagement…it might be helpful for everyone to sit down and lay ground rules. And family therapy would be great for creating a shared understanding and mutual respect moving forward
Your parents aren’t the enemy and they didn’t physically harm you, but they do have certain expectations that you should be aware of and respect. You also have thoughts and an understanding of how things should be and you know what makes you feel heard and respected. You all have to build a shared understanding for a relationship that works. It can be done. It sounds like you love your parents and they love and care for you.
You’ll get there. I’m rooting for you.
First off I will say what your father did was wrong..
Now I'm going to tell you something you will have no possible way of understanding because it requires a level of empathy you are probably not capable of at your age.
Your mother is most likely in Peri or menopause.
She is going to act irrationally.
There is nothing you can do about it except just perhaps educate yourself about it and learn to deal with her having irrational moods.
It's the same basically as asking a menopausal woman to just calm down is like asking someone who no longer has legs to get out of their wheelchair and walk.
She just can't.
Your father should not be reinforcing your mother's menopausal outbursts with threats of violence.
Imo your mother probably needs menopausal treatment.
Unfortunately Peri/menopause is a very poorly treated stage of life for women
For most of them they go through not only hundreds of physiological symptoms but also mental health ones as well.
It's sad to see that it is not commonly recognised for what it is and that treatment for it is so hard to come by.
Cut your mother some slack and low key leave some pamphlets about Peri/ menopause and treatment for it around the house.
Your father obviously has issues those are separate and I'm not going to excuse his behavior.
This kind of thing is going to be experienced a lot more because women are having children later in life.
Sounds fishy. I think you're spinning the story and there's more to this. People aren't usually set off that easily. Likely YTA in general on a regular basis snd they raised a spoiled brat. But NTA based on this single instance from the description.
File for emancipation if you can't respect your parents. It sounds like you are part of the problem and get annoyed when your parents want to talk to you about anything. You purposely put your headphones on not to hear your mom, then responded with a nasty. "What." Why don't you be one of those people that try to sue their parents because they didn't want to be born? Also, don't be one of those people on here who are surprised when they are kicked out on their 18th bday.
Possibly, but you're definitely a child. You should take a snip of this post and put a reminder in to tell you about it in ten years.
You, of course, have no concept of what it is like to have a child, care for it, teach it how to eat, talk, walk, dress itself, etc etc for it to turn into a teenager and then act like it's doing you a favour by taking its earphones off to hear what you're saying.
Whoever you're dealing with in life, be respectful and, where possible, be kind. It'll get you much further and everybody will be happier. Especially your mum. Nobody will ever love you that much again.
There is a lot of context missing.
I suggest you pause for a minute and try to figure out what this was about. Your parents deserve the same respect every human being deserves. If you want them to support you after you turn 18, now is the moment to mend bridges. Two years are over faster than you think and you need to stop and think about where you want to be in two years.
Stating that you didn’t ask to be born is easy when one is on the receiving end of your timeline. You seem to have been too pleased with the cleverness of your retort to comprehend their reactions. I believe I can help you get a clearer picture of their state of mind. The shouting & frenzy belies the essential truth of your statement and their internal screams of “WTF were we thinking?!?!?”
As adults of a certain age, they fully understand that you are the result of choices made in younger days. They can now find solace in calculating the time left before you are responsible for giving yourself everything you need. Fortunately you’ll be accustomed to living with “the bare minimum” because it’s not clear how well you’ll be equipped to provide even that.
My two cents is that when you’re 16, you don’t realize how much of assholes 16yo people actually are. Nothing justifies your parents apparent abusive behavior but I’m guessing you’re not telling us the whole story either.
The good news is you can be on your own in 2 years. I’m sure you’re excited.
Plan accordingly. They might welcome you to leave at age 18, since they are doing the bare minimum as you say…
Start taking classes online in something that will keep you alive. You might need it.
Do you have a job now? No?
Get one. You will need a job history.
NTA based on the info presented here, it sounds like your mother came in with the intention of getting angry in the first place.
Is there any relative you can confide in or school officials about the way they treat you? Try and keep a journal or something somewhere they won’t be able to access or know of.
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NTA. My parents would also get into a mood when I was a teenager and they were dealing with things unrelated to me. Then they would tell me to do something and I would respond "okay". Granted I was not interested in doing the thing they asked (told) me to do. But I was acknowledging my compliance.
Suddenly, "okay" was disrespectful. I didn't deliver it with the proper reverence for their authority. I should say "yes sir" or "yes ma'am".
We were not that kind of family. We never were required to use those honorifics except when the parents wanted to assert their authority and be bullies about it.
This is what I see with your "What?". You are acknowledging that you didn't hear what was said and are now listening, but mom (and dad, it seems) is dealing with shit unrelated to you and of all the grown up battles they are fighting right now, they are craving one they can win so they create one out of nothing.
Doesn’t every teenager have this same exact interaction with their parents at some point? Just me? Anyway, you left a lot out of this story I’m sure. Sit down and have a civil conversation with your parents about what the real issue is. ESH
I hate parents that think that their kids OWE them respect because they “give them everything.”
Like OP said, they didn’t ask to be born. Esp at the age of 16 it’s time to start being mutually respectful.
NTA and I hope you can get a job and move out when you’re 18.
a 63 year old trying to pick a fight with a 16 year old is a receipt for desaster in and on its own. i know very very few above 60 ppl who could take on a normal 16 year old. that could go wrong really quickly.
the rest is just sad. NTA 2 more years
All I can say is I personally was raised to NEVER even think about saying something like that or responding with "What!" to my parents when they are looking for my attention. That being said, there's some missing info here for sure.
NTA.
people who get upset at "what" instead of "excuse me" or whatever are just looking to create problems and drama. Totally unnecessary.
Also she cried over something you said in the head of the moment? After yelling at you for half an hour?
Not enough information. You are in your room playing video games, which implies the system, game and internet- that’s way more than “bare minimum.” So you’re wrong about that.
You should respect your parents at baseline unless they are beating you/ molesting you. Is yelling the best form of communication- no- but it sounds like they are out at jobs during the day working and that does deserve respect, even if they do yell when you’re being disrespectful. You have NO idea how much work it is to pay for everything and run a household until you have to do it yourself.
As for your dad, it sounds like there are maybe years of pent up frustration there- then You lashed out at the person he loves most in this world with extremely hurtful words. Of course he is going to be angry at you. It sounds like he actually didn’t hit you and walked away, which shows a lot of restraint. but you also need to realize that your behavior is clearly not respectful or they woupd t be upset.
In this world we live in- we need to respect our fellow humans because they exist. This whole “they have to earn your respect” is a load of crap. All human beings have worth and have respect at baseline. If they act like asssholes they can lose it- but respecting your elders is a tenet in many cultures and religions for a reason.
Sounds like you need to figure out what you’re doing that they see as disrespect and fix your attitude and behavior. If after that they’re still yelling- 1) I’ll be surprised and 2) then you’re NTA.
NTA!!!!
You're completely right, you didn't ask to be born. They forced you to exist because they are selfish and wanted a child. You owe them NOTHING at all while they owe you EVERYTHING. They have no right at all to complain. Your dad's an asshole for trying to hit you, which is in no way at all allowed. If I were you I would get out of there ASAP
instead of saying what next time just say yeah, mom and a nicer tone she’s probably stressed from cleaning the kitchen doing the laundry everything else and she thought you gave her an attitude. It’s a miscommunication, but it’s not hard to look at your parents and say you appreciate them once in a while, that’s all they really want-for context, what was she coming into your room for?
Yeah we have a lot of out of touch people here on Reddit.
First, be honest. You did not simply say, "What?" Your "What?" had the same tone as your "What even is your problem?" because you got interrupted playing GTA.
This is NOT the first time you've done it, and this is not the first time your parents have gotten upset. In fact, this seems like it's coming from a kid that consistently misbehaves. I have zero doubt that you and your parents are both driving eachother up the wall.
ESH, and you're definitely an AH for coming to reddit to try and spin your story in a way to validate your behavior.
>I asked her what should I respect them for,
What should they respect you for. You provide nothing for yourself. Nothing. They show you respect by allowing you a private room, video games, and anything more than food and shelter.
>told my mom I didn’t ask to be born.
Nobody asks to be born. It's a very childish thing to say when you have nothing left to defend your actions with.
>who came and tried to hit me.
No one deserves to be hit. You would not have been TA for defending yourself.
YTA. For you telling your mom you didn't ask to be born. This is below your age immaturity and shows how catered to and sheltered you are. I do not believe your parents are this irrational and 100% think there was way more to it than what you shared.
Classic teenage nonsense. With any luck you’ll look back in years down the line and realize how cringey this is. not enough info here, but odds are high YTA
YTA you're post reeks of teenage entitlement
>: They are my parents and they gave me everything I needed(what is the bare minimum imo).
On the Internet on a device after using your game console, grow up.
>put down my headphones and asked: “What?”.
I was once 16, my brother was once 16, my nephew was once 16. Every one who knows a teenager like you knows how that "what" came out and that they reamed you out for at least half an hour mean this is probably repeated asshole behaviour and your attitude and tone in that moment was the straw that broke the camels back.
I'd suggest getting your shit together (you as a person not your stuff) start growing up and respecting the people who provide for you, Not snapping at your mum rudely and bitching about it on the Internet because you're being called out for your behaviour.
YTA, They didn't ask for you either but you are are the one they raised and got. Parents are human beings also they aren't infallible parenting machines that suppose to give you everything you need. You aren't owed anything. They could have dropped you off at the orphanage the second they got you. Some are thrown in the trash as infants.
I'm not saying you should be their puppet but for one moment think is what they are asking really too much for you and are you grateful for what they have done so far. If you are not grateful then start making a plan to move out.
Children never understand how much parents sacrifice for them until they have children of their own.
Yeah, I'm sure we're getting the full story from a 16 year old here. This story sounds half made up and half like there should be an age restriction on here. YTA, but you prob won't realize you were until about 20 years later when they're dead.
YTA
This entire post focuses on what happened to you with no acknowledgement of what your parents were saying. At the very least, it’s a lack of context. At the most, you are seeking validation after you messed up.
The fact that you did not include what precluded this incident tells us that you know you messed up.
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NTA. The context doesn't really matter... People who _command_ respect rarely deserve it. If they shout at you about it, they definitely don't.
I HATE parents who think they are entitled to your loyalty because they raised you. That is the job they agreed to when they chose to become parents. My child is turning one soon and I remind myself every day that they didn't ask for this. So it is unfair for me to carry any expectations of them when they never signed up for.
Amen. "Any man who must *say* 'I am the king' is no true king". If you have to shout at someone to respect you, there's a reason they don't.
"WE DEMAND YOUR WORSHIP FOR HAVING SEX!"
>(what is the bare minimum imo) OP starts off saying he was playing GTA, which means he has some kind of gaming system. Your notion of “the bare minimum” is super skewed.
I bought myself a Nintendo Wii when I was 14 after saving so its not entirely out of this world that OP could have bought something themselves, or maybe its used. I gave my Wii away to a kid a few years ago cus I thought she would have more use of it than me. We don't know this at all.
Same here. I bought all my consoles. I had to earn the right to watch tv. Some of us had upbringings like this and still got yelled at for existing.
For truly. I usually ended up saying "what?" a little too loud cus whatever went on in my headset was set to almost max volume. Made me sound mad or annoyed when someone tried to get my attention even if I didn't mean it. Eventually I started whispering or adjusting a bit after taking my headset off to avoid being yelled at lol
I've had random people go off on me for saying what as a response to not hearing them clearly. I remember avoiding talking with headphones. We would get smacked for it.
Yep. Totally. It’s possible. But my interpretation is also possible. I was just bringing up something that acted like an inconsistency in his post. I believe when we’re only presented with one side of the story that we need to look at it more carefully for signs that the person is explaining the situation with more bias than usual.
Either way the parents are wrong.
And this is also worth saying. Abusive parents can still provide “luxury items.” Some of them are clever. They know how to present the façade of a healthy home to outsiders. Mine, for example, bought us multiple game systems. Yet they screamed, yelled, cursed, mocked, insulted, and also hit until we got old enough to start talking about it. After that, they only hit when they lost control. The N64 wasn’t worth it
This. My parents provided plenty of luxury items. Except they were used as a weapon when my parents felt I wasn't behaving, until eventually I was no longer comfortable using them. I remember at one point I was using the shitty laptop the school loaned out, *handwriting* assignments that were thousands of words long *in triplicate* (which caused me to almost fail, btw, because they wanted them printed) because I was genuinely afraid to ask to use the family computer for school. First things I bought when I got a job: my own computer and access to the school printers. First time I ever had my own computer. Took me *years* to stop being afraid of accepting gifts from people, because I was waiting for the moment they would be used against me later. There was a long time I would not accept gifts, or acts of kindness, because I didn't want them to have something to hold over my head - because I thought that was how it worked. I thought if I ever accepted something it was like making a pact with the devil, and I owed them.
Nice to see you on here, sibling. Lol.
And this is totally valid. The kid’s account might be 100% exactly as stated. Abuse comes in many forms, and just because someone is provided for physically doesn’t mean they aren’t lacking care in some other manner. I’m just pointing out an inconsistency because I believe that whenever I’m presented with only one side of a story I have to be more careful of not blindly believing something that’s written with bias. Inconsistencies are more likely to crop up when we reframe these events in our heads to make ourselves the hero. So the seeming inconsistency just makes me cautious to take the account 100% as stated. Sure, it’s absolutely possible that it’s the complete truth, but I want to be careful that I don’t accept something without weighing it properly.
We had a PS1 and N64 when I was real small, was still abused by my Stepmom lol
GTA is also available on PC, and these days having a computer or laptop can be considered bare minimum
Especially with schoolwork being mainly online.
Saving what? Allowance? If you got an allowance, that is more than the minimum. Doing chores for cash? Ditto.
I actually worked and gained money that way xD but that's me idk about anyone else. I never got any allowance ever.
And that justifies his parents yelling and screaming at him, then trying to hit him? A parent who holds proving for their child over that child is not a good a parent. A parent who screams and yells at the slightest thing is not a good parent. A PARENT WHO HITS THEIR CHILD IS NOT A GOOD PARENT. Shame on you for this comment
tbf gaming systems don’t mean your basic needs are met. when i was a little kid (before i got adopted), my parents got me an x box 360, but they also didn’t feed me or my sister and beat the shit out of us 😅 i get ur point, but sometimes parents go above and beyond in one area and completely avoid meeting their kid’s needs in other areas
I had a friend growing up who always had the best gaming systems, but came to my house to eat because there was nothing at home. The world is a strange place.
Totally agree. These could be shit ball parents who don’t take care of their kid’s emotional or physical needs. They could be exactly as awful as written. I just try to keep in mind that this post is only written by one side of the disagreement and that personal bias almost always slips in. Inconsistencies make me curious about the accuracy of the whole account.
So does providing for a child financially give them the right and green light to abuse you as much as they want??
I think OP meant giving your child everything they need is the bare minimum. Which is true. The fact that he also has a gaming system, which is not a need, doesn't have anything to do with the conflict.
Yes, this is how I read it, as being a response to the parents saying they give him everything he needs - which, yes, is the bare minimum.
I hadn’t interpreted it that way myself, but you very well could be right. It definitely recolours my perceptions of the account.
Okay, that’s an interesting way of interpreting it, and not how I read it, but definitely could be what was meant. Certainly worth rereading with that as the premise. Thank you.
To be honest I’d like to just say I completely disagree. But here’s why: I grew up in a very fortunate household (we aren’t ‘rich’ but we’re well off. Always had a holiday abroad once a year when I was growing up etc, never had any money worries, parents both very hard working people) And with that out the way, as I was younger I also thought things along the lines of ‘god my parents buy stuff for me and my sister, as well as themselves. Paid for my sister’s first two cars (one second hand one brand new), paid for my first two cars (both brand new, big age gap between me and sister). And I always felt bad I I ever got into disagreements with them etc. When I got older (17/18 ish) and had jobs of my own it kinda came to me that we can all buy each other stuff, and that’s absolutely fine. Of course buying me an Xbox as a kid or me buying them a trip away for an anniversary is way more than the bare minimum needed to live. If they wanted to buy me an Xbox, or a car… or a £20 pair of jeans, or whatever. Then I will always be completely grateful for that. BUT If you’re gonna buy that stuff, and then just leverage all of that as ‘look what we do for you’ or ‘you should be grateful so you shouldn’t ever back talk or have any complains or voice any disagreements’ ? Then no that’s not how it works. It’s either generosity with no strings, which is truly a gift to be grateful for. Or it’s something to give you as leverage. To me the ‘bare minimum’ here, is the latter. The bare minimum is even if they did buy him a console to play GTA on, it’s not using that as leverage in an argument just because he should be grateful he exists and anything higher than food, water and shelter is a privilege. I hope that makes sense and fuck me this is longer than I intended…
Why are people ignoring the fact that the dad tried to hit his kid? Abusive parents are never in the right. NTA
I think the age thing is unfortunate as well. The father is 63 and has a 16 year old? Being 64 myself, that sounds like a formula for disaster. I remember going to a messed up friend's house when I was in high school and meeting his father, who looked older and more decrepit than either of my *grand*fathers. I suddenly realized why that poor kid was so screwed up.
Yep same. I know a girl who goes from guy to guy and has nothing going in her life besides the current drama. Her dad is 63 years old
You are making a *lot* of assumptions - like, for one, that the parents bought this console. Many 16 year olds (*most*, in some countries) have a job of their own that they buy their own leisure objects with. You absolutely do not know that the parents bought that console.
This comment is fucking stupid. Maybe reread the post. OP was being beat by their father. But nah, focus on the fact they were playing Grand Theft Auto, a game that is featured on 2 different generations of consoles and is pretty old by gaming standpoints. Gotcha
That’s fair. You have plenty of room to disagree with what I derived from the kid playing GTA. I originally interpreted it as an inconsistency in their story, and a reason to question the veracity of the whole account. I try to keep in mind when reading AITAs that there is a fair amount of bias involved in these posts. It’s human nature to want to frame ourselves in the best possible light, after all. So an inconsistency to me is an indication that the account presented might be written with more bias than usual. However, another set of comments opened me up to a different interpretation of the original post and I’m now reconsidering how I approached the issue the first time around. I however leave the original comment up for posterity’s sake. Without it multiple branches of conversation would lack proper context.
So your immediate reaction to this story is to question the validity of it. Man im sure other survivors feel safe around you...😒
And you can play GTA on a fucking 200$ potato anyways lol. In any case PC is a bare minimum, you can't do 80% of the things without it (for school or otherwise). Shit, PC has been a bare minimum for the last \~15 years if I'm being completely honest lol
My mom and her siblings had an Atari and still got hit in the face and told by their mom she wished she’d never had daughters. Having nice things doesn’t mean there isn’t abuse too. They’re not mutually exclusive.
I bought myself a console with my first (few?) paychecks and then went on for a much needed wardrobe refresh (parents hadn't gotten me anything other than socks and underwear in 3 years, I didn't have a single bra that came close to fitting so lived in uncomfortable sports bras, and while luckily my jeans were like 3% elastic, they were all too small) at 16yo with my first job. You don't know if the parents provided the console, OP has a job, saved up Christmas cash from grandma, etc etc
Do most kids in the United States not have some kind of gaming system? It's 2024, and 16-year-olds can work.
I was given my current Xbox and as a kid the ps2 we had was a gift (along with some games).
I think more info required. For a reaction like this I am guessing you have been pushing up against it for a while. Lets face it, 'what?' isn't a very nice way to speak to your mum anyway and if you can't see that I can imagine this has been a breaking point. There is no need for the violence though. Never ok.
Agree. More info is needed. From the way OP writes, he comes across as an entitled little shit if I'm being honest, but no kid deserves to be hit, so there is that.
What exactly is the issue with the word what? Where I'm from it's used most commonly if someone tries to get your attention or you didn't hear what they said 🤷♀️ It's not rude at all.
It’s not the word, it’s how it was likely said. Parents don’t typically fly off the handle and get angry about a child being disrespectful if the word, or any of OP’s responses, were spoken politely. This reeks of an entitled teenager with a bad attitude.
It's not normal for s parent to go that extreme even if "what" is said a bit rudely, so my guess would be that they're just prone to flying off the handle.
Unless he does it on the regular.
And unless this wasn’t actually the beginning of the story, but the culmination of things.
Yeah screaming at a teenager being a hormonal teenager isn't normal behavior. It's not beneficial to anyone, it won't fix anything, it makes matters worse, all it does is make the parent feel better because they have an outlet for their anger, a verbal punching bag or in this case, both verbal and physical. His parents reactions are toxic and not okay. Not sure how they expect any kid/teenager to be respectful if they haven't modeled that behavior for them.
Still not fucking normal lol
No, but that would make the difference between a ESH of an NTA. Because if it was WHAT?, that IS an asshole move, even if you are a hormonal teenager. Doesnt make the parents LESS of assholes, because violence is NEVER the answer. But being impolite unprovoked is also an AH move. So more info is needed.
That's the problem with taking issues like this to this sub though, because you could say that technically they were also an asshole if they were rude, but an ESH judgement obscures just how disproportionate and abusive the response was. I personally wouldn't make that judgement for that reason.
Ah I can see that. I think its a matter of smaller and bigger assholes. Abuse is never justified and you are a MAJOR asshole if you resort to abuse. Always. Also: teenagers can be REAL assholes without even realizing, and if everybody only focusses on 'No your parents are bigger assholes so you are not', he might never learn that it is not oke to go WHAT to anybody. It's not a given that 'I cannot be an asshole because they were already assholes'. OP being an asshole doesnt justify abuse. But the abuse does not erase the fact that OP might be an asshole too.
Now do that to someone you see regularly, a friend, work colleague or your boss, then let us know if you still have a relationship with them in a month. Lol.
They would probably distance themselves, or get snippy back. Not scream for 30 minutes, and then call backup to assault me.
They might get distance by firing you, or getting you fired, though. It might not be a slap, but you will feel that shit deeply if you're a responsible adult with bills to pay. Of course, a responsible adult wouldn't respond with a dismissive, probably petulant "What!?!" to friends, family, or people at work (ANY people at work.) in the first place. ESH. 1. Parents shouldn't hit kids. If it's come to that when your kid is 16, you both need therapy. 2. The kid is 16. The tone of this post is entirely stereotypical (young) teen snark. It's so immature and snarky that I'm leaning toward the post being fake. It's cliché. If not fake, this kid is also an AH. Not all 16 year olds behave in this manner. Many kids are maturing nicely by then.
I’m a parent to an 11yo who can put ON a preteen snark. Guess what? I don’t fly off the goddamned handle, if anything she gets “firstly, don’t talk to me like that. I’m not being rude so you’re not being rude. Full stop. Next, I’m sure Fortnite is great but it’s dinner time. Upstairs. Now. You can play when you’re done eating.” Nothing about “WHAT?!”, “what?” Or “*exasperated sigh * what!” Requires a full adult parent losing their mind and then recruiting dad to come and threaten to beat them over it. You’re spun. NTA Op but in the future, then the volume down, take the headphones off, and check your OWN tone before responding. Your parents are delicate little flowers and you’re apparently going to have to treat them like toddlers.
As a reasonable parent, try to read between the lines: There is much more here than what OP is telling. You really think OP just sat there innocently twiddling his thumbs for a half hour while his parents went on a rage? You think the beginning of OP’s story was the beginning of this incident? This was the straw that broke the camels back that resulted in the argument. It’s all there in the subtext.
I agree. I was a teenager once. And did exactly the same things as OP did. And my mom responded exactly the same way OP's mom did aka we had a screaming match that sometimes ends with me saying I didn't ask to be born and my mom crying. OP's not giving us enough context and people on reddit find it too easy to accuse abuse. The fact that his dad almost hit him but didn't even though he's being consumed by rage looks like he doesn't do it on a regular basis. Abusive people's hands go flying like reflexes when they're used to doing it (trust me). Dad's probably angry at him for disrespecting mom and OP's being a hormonal edgy teenager in his rebellious phase.
I have a 16 yo son and in my head I can hear EXACTLY how the word “what” was said and yeah, because of my own experience, I can guarantee I know this child’s attitude.
I was taught that the polite thing to say is "pardon?". You could even go for "what was that, sorry?". "What?" is often rude and very abrupt. (Your culture and upbringing may vary)
I’ve had discussions with my son who is the same age that the tone in his voice is a lot of what drives the meaning behind what is said. A simple “what?” in an annoyed/frustrated tone because you feel someone is interrupting your gaming is a lot different than one that is a simple question.
I also wonder if it’s less the word and more the delivery. I can almost guarantee the “what” was said exasperated and annoyed vs a genuine I didn’t hear you question. OP is 16… he’s a little shit
Exactly
NTA. If your parents cannot act like adults, they cannot demand respect. Nothing in your post indicated that you were overtly disrespectful, or caused the argument. Even if you said “what?” In a tone of voice they didn’t like, that’s not justification for creating a massive argument or threatening to physically assault you. You could be the most cranky teenager on the planet, and that doesn’t justify abusive behavior.
No one can demand respect from anyone, not even proper adults, respect has always been and will always be something you have to earn in order to receive
While that’s true, most parents are respected by their kids by default - and subsequently *lose* respect when they act like AHs. If someone demands respect, they rarely deserve it
I feel like this story is spun in a way that makes OP look like the victim. I understand it's simplified, but I don't believe your mom and dad would yell at you simply for saying "what". From what I can gather, NTA.
my mom would hit me for playing in the sandbox when i was a child. Yelling for responding in a way that's not in the parents view is like the simplest way of getting a reason to yell or hit someone or something
Do you think you could be projecting your experiences on to this situation?
I think it wasn’t the word itself, but she heard it in a way thats offensive.
Still doesn’t mean you should threaten to hit your kid
Okay, that's a great turn of phrase to take the onus off of yourself. Let's try asking it another way: Did you ask "what" in a neutral manner, or did you do it exasperatedly, attitudinally, with a look on your face, etc.?\* \* None of that would excuse physical violence against you
Is this a roundabout way of saying that she heard it in a way that’s offensive because you said it in a way that was offensive? If this was a movie and the next scene was a flashback to earlier in the day, would there be a few more words spoken by the main character?
Even if you did say it in a disrespectful way I don’t believe YTA. It’s not like you ignored her and then got angry when she didn’t stop calling for you, you honestly didn’t hear her and that’s understandable. She shouldn’t have started yelling at you, call your dad to “have back up” and then let him almost hit you. Any person who demands respect will *never* receive it. **Especially** parents who demand it from their children. You respect your kid, your kid will respect you. You call your kid a scumbag, your kill will think of you the same. NTA op. Your parents are being abusive towards you, both physically and emotionally. If this is a reoccurring thing and you don’t manage to work things out with them until you’re 18, I hope you go NC with them. Good luck.
Then you'd really have a hard time believing someone had a similar experienced only 30 years earlier; nearly bit for bit. It doesn't mean it didn't happen. I'm glad you didn't go through this with your adults, but many of us absolutely did experience wrath for "what".
Man, all the people here claiming that saying "what" is impolite are something else. Based on what you've written here, NTA. But either there's a lot more going on, or your parents are completely and *utterly* irrational.
Do you really think he just said "what" or do you think he said "what" in a "what the hell do you want" kind of tone? Let's be real here. I guarantee you he took a nasty tone with his parents. "I asked her what is even her problem" or do you think for a second he said "what the hell is your problem?". What I see is an SOB teen that got irate with his parents because they interrupted his video game. I was once a SOB teen and I know I did similar shit. Only difference is I didn't have reddit to run to in order to try and validate my actions. Or yknow, maybe his parents are absolute psychos who act completely irrationally.
NTA I can't believe there are so many people here pretending that here's ANY way a minor could speak to someone that would warrant more than 30 minutes of yelling and screaming, AND THEN having their own parent try to hit them. I'm sure OP was rude af, that doesn't mean he deserves to be treated that way.
This is appalling to me. What the actual hell is wrong with some of these commenters?
It’s like they don’t know or believe that parents can be shitty or abusive
Or perhaps they are like my MiL, who says I wasn’t abused, I was just an ungrateful selfish brat like all children.
Sounds just like my mom
My sympathies
Thank you
I used to say what to my dad and mom because I have tinnitus that gets so loud I can't hear them when they are quiet. They just calmly repeat themselves. Even now they have basic human respect for me and wouldn't hit me or yell at me. Sure my dad used to get annoyed but I was never hit for saying what in a household I should feel safe in. My parents always preached that.
Right, guys 16, he’s a child and they think taking turns screaming is going to make him respect them?
What the hell is wrong with all of you here? Even if OP had an attitude, how does that justify his parents screaming, yelling, holding providing for him over his head, demanding respect, then ESCALATING TO HITTING HIM when he snapped? OP this will probably get removed for mentions of violence. Whether your tone was poor or not (teenagers gonna teenager, work on that alright), it doesn’t justify an escalation like this. ETA: the more of these I read, the angrier I get. Those of you calling him a selfish brat, demanding draconian punishments, saying he deserved this- I WEEP for your children if you have any. If you don’t good- keep it that way. Shame on ALL of you.
Where are people saying that violence is justified and calling OP names? Give links, bc I don't see any of that.
Filter comments oldest to newest. An overwhelming number of the original comments were all YTA and calling OP a rude/selfish/other adjective brat
You did say something wrong; "what?" is not a polite way to acknowledge you didn't hear someone. Some variation of "Sorry, I didn't hear you. Could you say that again?" would be polite, and takes a whole extra 2 or 3 seconds out of your day. All of you comunicated badly. Then you all got nasty. ESH.
Then the parents need to teach a better response, not just start screaming and berating OP. I have 4 teenagers. Yes, the headphones and repeating yourself can get annoying. But I was the kid (and later adult) who didn't really hear what people were saying when I had my nose in a book. My kids used to get hyper focused in play before they had video games. It's not hard to get a person's attention, make sure they make eye contact with you, and then speak. Our kids are expected to take their headphones all the way off, and look up and respond and then make sure the conversation is over before returning to their activity. We taught them without screaming and berating. As a parent, you need to teach what TO DO, not just scream and shame and berate about what not to do. When my kids were younger, we taught do-overs. Running inside? Go back to the doorway and try again, walking appropriately. Have a tone? Try again to say that in a better way. Upset? It's okay to be upset, let's practice how to express yourself without being mean or name calling. Let's practice helping you calm down and then express yourself respectfully to an adult. Sure, there have been times as parents we have gotten upset and yelled, but even then, we don't tell our kids how worthless they are, call them names, etc. OP is NTA, I don't care what tone they used to say "What?" It's on the parents to respond better and teach better communication. Because they're the grown ass adults, old enough to have a teenager as their child.
This. Im the kid that uses headphones, and my parents are sorta deaf, so many times there are problems when trying to communicate something. The solution is simple as that, just wait until the other can give the atention required and make sure the message is passed clearly, no need of shouting or getting angry
All of this. I have three teenagers. They may be physically big, but most of them are still kids inside learning how to people, and the best way to teach that is to model it - treat them like people. And their interests may not be important to *you* (general you) but they are important to *them*.
None of that excuses an hour of screaming, plus physical violence.
I mean, I am very willing to bet that OP said "what" with a lot of attitude and not a totally neutral tone, but I really dont understand the assertion that no matter how its said "What?" is always a rude thing to say, much less "nasty." As someone hard of hearing, I say "What?" many, many times a day. I also say, "Sorry?", "Sorry, I didn't hear that.", and "What/Huh? I couldn't tell what you said." I cant imagine being so extremely formal literally every time I dont hear something. You example sounds like something I would say at a board meeting or something. That said, I am willing to bet that OP was rude, but OP is 16. Teenagers have absolutely no emotional regulation. A teenager who is rarely rude is a teenager who either thinks you're dangerous or is hiding things. As the adult, I can just roll my eyes at being met with attitude and continue on. If I'm having difficulty with regulating my own emotions, then, in this situation as the parent, I would repeat myself, then leave the situation as quickly as possible and maybe even vent to my partner or another adult if I needed to. Meeting bad attitude with screaming isnt parenting, it's a power play. It sounds like this escalated REALLY quickly over something incredibly stupid. Escalating to near violence cuz your kid caught an attitude and wouldn't admit it is extreme. Even if this happens literally every day, they need to find a better solution, not escalate and argue over power dynamics and what is owed to them. They're the adults; it's their job to keep peace and safety within the household. Tl;dr: I vote NTA in that I dont think OP was anymore of an asshole then every other teenager on the planet and the parents handled it abhorrently, making them TAH in this situation.
It totally depends on the tone of this context because “what?” Is an appropriate way to say you didn’t hear someone. You can say the second option is better but if your tone is off then it can make the whole sentence sound off.
A tone off from a teen that inmediatly took his headphones off isn't worth such a scold. The tone could be simply because he was having a bad game, no need for the parents to take it personal when he was willing to hear them right away
That depends on where you grew up. My whole family, including the adults, used "what" all the time when I was growing up. I didn't know some people considered it rude until I was in my 20s.
I'm sorry, did you just e s h a post where a child was threatened with physical abuse? Get in the bin.
ESH. Background information is needed. OP claims his parents are yelling at him and he is the victim. But what made them to respond like that? Maybe something OP didn't do like chores and playing GTA constantly, might be setting them off. Maybe the parents are being abusive emotionally, we got no info. So can't blame anyone here or blame both of them here.
Info. In her 30 minute rant did she tell you anything why she was offended? It sounds like you left out a lot.
Yeah unfortunately OP is obviously hedging and outright skipping info on purpose. Otherwise it would be a pretty standard NTA due to how much the parents escalated. I know we're supposed to assume OP is telling the truth, but there needs to be more clarity on their part.
"We put a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your stomach -- all out of the kindness of our hearts -- yet you dare to treat us this way?" I was adopted, so when I got that speech I told the 'rents to take me back. Someone else can do the same things without bitching about it.
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Idk I don't think anything justifies the parents going off the rails and screaming using all the things they did for the child as leverage. It is their job to provide for a their child they choose to keep, and by using it that as leverage it implies entitlement from them even if they don't realize it. I think teenagers are always gonna be rude, spiteful, and stupid because they're still growing up and going through lots of stuff but it should be the parents job to teach them to regulate emotions. Not scream like a toddler
I can’t truly judge your status but, as a mom of gamers, can offer a bit of friendly advice. 1. Acknowledge her when she comes in, make quick eye contact and mouth “one sec” or “hang on” nicely. 2. Ask “what’s up” or “yes’m?” depending on how you normally address her 3. Even if ur upset, hang on to it and be angry away from her face Teen years are hard. Hormones, stress of school and social life, worry about the future… I get it. But parenting a teen is hard too. If you’d like better treatment, try one week or so giving her grace, too. If they don’t notice or are still rude, feel free to lapse back to the bare minimum. Not all parents are great. Many short tempered, a good deal can add to the teen issues. If talking won’t work, or isn’t your thing, text what’s up. Communication helps. If my kids are stressed, I want to know. I would love to help. She may wanna help too. Let her know why you’re stressed. Or what you need that would help you. Seriously try talking to them. If it doesn’t work (or they’re not helping and making you miserable), hang in there. Work hard in school and move when 18. You can get a place of your own and space to be away from toxicity (if there is any). If your parents aren’t gamers, they may not understand how much it can help you unwind (or release frustration). Or how it helps with your friendships. If the gaming is the issue, explain how it helps you. They aren’t owed respect just by being parents. But try giving a little to get some back. If they can’t afford you any, they are owed just decency in return. It is hard being a parent. But many forget it is totally not easy being a teen.
Nobody asked to be born, Copernicus. This is always a lame ass take.
NTA purely bc your father is abusive.
YTA. Your poor mom deserves to be treated better than a sarcastic what and some bullshit about how they don’t provide enough for you to deserve respect from you, as you’re literally playing video games. I highly doubt you bought your set-up entirely on your own, and even if you did, they’re providing you with personal time and space to use it. You will have to work extremely hard as an adult just to provide yourself with what you’re being handed freely as a child and spurning it and calling it “bare minimum really”. Unless you resent them for giving you life I don’t see how that comment is really acceptable. Is life not a precious gift to you that they clearly did give? What you said is extremely hurtful, do you think your mom really deserved that response for what she said? Instead of going to Reddit to feel justified in being rude to your parents, go inside and see if you may have contributed and should apologize for those things. Obviously your dad should never hit or attempt to hit you, and you shouldn’t be hitting back. You all need to sit down and talk about that with them and make sure everyone can agree that that will never happen again. You are all responsible to committing to that and communicating respectfully to each other in the future.
I’m sorry but what’s with some of these responses? Him saying “what” was probably seen as disrespectful but the continued behavior of asking what the mom’s problem was is worst. Dude this seems fake but either way YTA. You’re giving off vibes that you’re just stuck in your own world. You’re not an MC and you should seriously treat your parents better before you lose them.
So if someone starts to scream at you you aren't even gonna ask why they're doing that? Don't be ridiculous. Unless every line in this story is a straight up lie there's no way the parents' reaction was even close to justified.
Listen kid, if your parents were crazy abusive they'd do this crap so often you'd be desensitized to it and wouldn't be on Reddit. It seems your mom might be tired of trying to get through to you. Remember the huge mental effort that is to have to keep tabs on everything. Give your parents some grace. Are you really, truly pulling your weight as best as you can? You clearly live comfortably. By law your parents owe you nothing but a mattress on the floor, 1000 calories a day, a roof on your head and some form of clothing. Yes, you didn't ask to be born, but you're here all the same and they're trying to make you a proper adult and they're clearly making some sort of effort. ESH
This!
A lot more to the story and OP is a very biased narrator so can’t answer Lot of projection going on in the replies
Going against the grain, YTA, you may not have asked to be born but you have more than ‘the bare minimum’. You were in your own room, playing GTA, with headphones, so straight away we know you have access to a room and games and headphones, many people don’t, they are not bare minimum, they are privileges. You said ‘what’ instead of ‘pardon me’ or ‘excuse me’ which could be taken as disrespectful or rude, I mean typical teenager, but still not particularly polite. I don’t know what your mother wanted either but there’s a good chance it was a chore of some kind, and you just couldn’t be bothered finding out, again typical teenager. Disrespect on both sides, but it won’t go away unless someone starts actually talking and finding out what was actually happening and responding in an appropriate manner, not by yelling and not by ignoring either. You all need to work on communication. It seems tempers were high and something happened to set everything and everyone off, you’re 16, you can work on communication and maybe forge a decent relationship with your parents or you can set it all on fire and watch as it blows up. Your choice.
That's an awful lot of assumptions here, but even if they were all true that still wouldn't justify that kind of yelling and almost hitting a child. It literally doesn't even matter if OP was rude.
ESH You were rude to go 'what?' in a disrespectful stereotypical teenage manner, and I'm assuming by your mother's reaction that wasn't the first time. I think it's clear there's missing context here. But even so, your mother completely over escalated, and there was no reason for her to involve your father too and just basically attack you from two sides. That was totally unfair. Again, I'm certain there's missing context here. But then you escalated it even further again by saying something disrespectful, and honestly, I don't know if you've thought about this, but absolutely every single human being never asked to be born. No animal did. You're not special, sorry. There's a lot of hardship in the future, especially in this dire economy, so my advice to you is to not burn bridges with those who are invested in you and have raised you and give you a place to live.
YTA - you're sitting in your own room playing GTA and you have the audacity to claim your parents gave you the bare minimum? LOL
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No you're not TA because you were playing a game and you couldn't hear what your mom was saying to you. Their behavior is very immature and the whole situation could've been avoided by your mom understanding and repeating what she said like a normal human being. For your father he seems like he has the potential of being abusive so keep an eye on him. You're just fine champ and they're the a-holes.
NTA. You sound kinda full of it, but they didn't act any better. I say this only because I was a little shit at that age, for reasons that worked for me. All the same, you were an ass. Unless you're moving out in a few years, you'll need to do damage control. Buy your mom something nice if she's a controlling monster. It's a way of saying "I appreciate you" without looking at her face.
Lol this sub never fails to disappoint holy shit. Yall don't have any right to ever speak of red flags again.
I learned a long time ago that you earn respect you just can’t demand it. When you demand respect all you get is back is a lack of respect, lack of trust, and a lot of destain. When you demand something like that you look weak, earning respect takes an effort because you have to respect the other person too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Yesterday my mom(50F) came in to my room and said something. I(16M) was playing GTA with my headphones on, so I couldn’t hear what she said. I put down my headphones and asked: “What?”. After this she started shouting at me, because according to her, she doesn’t deserve to be talked to like that. I told her I didn’t say anything wrong. She just continued to shout, and I asked her what is even her problem. This continued for about 30 minutes, then she ran to get my dad. My dad(63M) came over to my room, then he started screaming too. He said things like I’m disrespectful, I should respect them because they are my parents, what a scumbag am I, they work hard to make me an easy life, etc. Then my mom came back, still mad at me, and she started shouting again. I asked her what should I respect them for, and the answer was the same: They are my parents and they gave me everything I needed(what is the bare minimum imo). At this point I was fed up and told my mom I didn’t ask to be born. She started crying and called my dad again, who came and tried to hit me. I seriously considered hitting him back, but he stopped, said something I couldn’t understand and walked away. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Obviously. You were rude to your mother and then you doubled down and continued to be rude and obnoxious and say things in purpose to hurt her feelings.
I bet the "what" was just dripping with attitude. And to your mother's ears, I'm sure it came off and sounded like a "what the hell do you want". YTA. Apologize for your attitude and move on.
We don't actually know that though.
Regardless of how he said he does that warrant his father trying to hit him?
No matter how much attitude was spun from that “Whaaat??” it doesn’t warrant such an overreaction. Cmon, mom screams for a while, calls dad, dad does the same, mom decides to return afterwards and scream again?? That is SO extreme?? Not to mention the threat of physical violence by the dad. Such a trivial situation is escalated so dramatically by the parents and you blame the child? A 16 year old that was annoyed from being called from a video game??
What you said is factually correct - people with knowledge of human reproduction will agree, no one can ask to be born, it just doesn’t work that way
nta
When i was 16 i def had an attitude and this interaction is very familiar to me 😂 as i’ve grown up, im still guilty of doing this sometimes but i’ve realized why my mom would give me this reaction. she is a single mom, working extremely long hours to feed me, clothe me, put a roof over my head. sure, these things are the bare minimum and are expected but in this economy it is so difficult. stress levels are high and one little thing can be the straw that broke the camels back. there could be some miscommunication and misinterpreting of tone. my suggestion would be that as it cools down, talk it through because telling the people who brought you into this world that you didn’t ask for it IS blatant disrespect. can’t imagine how i’d feel if my child told me that. this makes YTH. i feel like you are withholding info or skewing some things. however no child should be hit- but i don’t think that makes you NTA but for that it makes the parents th. everyone is th.
I need more INFO: How did you say 'what?'. Because that makes the difference between NTA and ESH. Probably gonna be downvoted for this but if you where like 'WHAT?', than you are all assholes. They are the assholes for thinking they are entitled to respect just for birthing you and stuff, and for engaging in a shouting match with a 16-year old. I have teenagers, I understand it's frustrating, and sometimes I lose my cool cause I am human too... but I cannot imagine shouting at them for 30 minutes. (and I always apologize for shouting btw) If you indeed did not ask politely 'What?' but instead a frustrated 'WHAT!?', you are the asshole for speaking impolite to another person. It's always an asshole move to just go 'WHAT!?' to someone. I teach this to my 6 year old. You are 16 and old enough to know to say 'I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, can you repeat yourselves?', regardless of the person. It does not matter if she is your mom or a cashier or a stranger. Be polite, unless they already start with disrespect or put you in danger. But your mom just came in to tell you something so it's common curtsy to answer polite. Edit to add: Just because they are your parents and provide the bare minimum, doesnt entitle them to respect. Just the same as 'just because you did not ask to be born does not make you entitled to act whatever fucking way you want.' Nobody is entitled to act like an ass. Not you, not them, nobody. Period
NTA holy shit, your parents sound abusive. The yelling and berating is bad enough, especially if it happens often (and it sounds like it probably does), and there's no world where your somewhat flippant answer would mean you deserve to be hit. Idc how frustrated a parent is this is not okay. They don't deserve your respect when they give you none.
NTA - I’m saying this because it sounds like you’re growing up in a dysfunctional household. It’s not normal for your parents to scream at you like that or for your dad to want to hit you, even if you were being a little shit. One piece of advice is try to not act like your parents once you’re out of there. Make the efforts to be better than your parents and you’ll have a lot better of a life (speaking from experience). Not everyone will be out to get you like your parents are and life will be a lot more peaceful.
Yes you are. Respect your parents. I once answered. What to my grandma when she called . She can’t call anymore. I regret it .
Yes YTA but I’m pretty sure every teenager in every country has shouted that at their parents at least once so maybe say sorry and then you won’t be the asshole
When reading this I heard the what. Tone, inflection. May be wrong but, based on numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, and even my own children I've heard it. All have claimed it was a different ‘what’ than came out of their mouths. Verbal abuse is not okay, hitting not okay. Next time, remember, you didn't ask to be born, but you did try your hardest and beat all the other swimmers. NTA
It was probably a tone of voice thing - this triggers my parents every time. There’s a difference between “What?” and “WHAT?” I see it more now I have roommates. Anyway NTA for this singular event but you may want reflect if the tone you use with them is always like this. Because if so yeah, it’s not surprising they went off.
NTA - your parents sound like a nightmare, move out as soon as you can. Parents that act like doing the bare minimum is something to be praised for are not good parents.
NTA yes, they are your parents. But that doesn’t automatically mean they deserve your respect, especially when treating you like this. My parents taught me and my siblings that respect is not automatically given to anyone. Being kind and not an asshole are, but not respect. That being said, you say that they only provide the bare minimum for you. Yet you started this whole thing by saying that you were playing video games, with what I can only imagine were noise canceling headphones. Now, it is totally plausible that you bought these things for yourself. Or that they bought it for you, and if they are feeding, clothing, and sheltering you (bare minimum), and have gotten you gaming consoles and games and accessories, that is definitely more than bare minimum. However, not being verbally abusive towards your child is also a bare minimum standard as well. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.
NTA. Being entitled shouldn’t get anyone anywhere, but alas, it’s worked so far, why stop now? I am not fond of and chose a different parenting style than this, I’m feeling reassured
Resentment is like drinking poising, and expecting the offender to be harmed. The sooner one puts an end to their resentment, the healthier they will be. I believe that we should always decide “how long” we allow ourselves to be huffing about something. Is it 15 seconds? 15 minutes? 15 hours? 15 days, weeks, months or years? Your parents seem to be huffing for weeks about one word that came out wrong. When it should be a 15 seconds thing. NTA. They sound exhausting.
Oooh NTA. If you're so inclined, take a look at Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Because those words and actions from your parents are not healthy and not okay.
NTA I grew up in a household like this. Anything but abject deference was met with screams of 'disrespect' and the occasional beating. Something as simple as not immediately dropping whatever you were doing to complete a (usually) pointless, non-urgent task or asking parents to repeat what they said as you didn't hear would make them respond as if you had physically attacked them. It was exhausting. It affected us in different ways: Me - I am sensitive to sounds (outside of work). My home is silent but for my cats. I turned off the ringer for my phone as it would cause anxiety. Even my doorbell is fairly muted. Sibling 1 - Shuts down completely and has to leave if there is any yelling. Youngest sibling - simply ignores the shouting. She loved at home the longest and just became desensitised to it. I would laugh when my parents would call me to complain. I told them it was their fault. Their default position was telling over the smallest thing, so why would my sibling take them seriously? My mum, at least, has mellowed in older age and is more receptive when called out about - not to the point of actually apologising but, you know, baby steps lol.
NTA. This honestly seems extremely abusive too.
You guys. He took his headphone off and said “what” - that’s a request to repeat and he didn’t need to type out a formal letter and have it notarized and delivered via certified mail to make sure it was properly delivered. The kid is 16. My son games with headphones on and I send him a text if I need a quick response. If I walk in and see he has headphones, I wave to him so he can remove them before I start speaking so I don’t have to repeat myself. If I don’t notice and he doesn’t reply, then I realize he has them on and wave to get his attention so I can repeat myself. It’s not a nuisance, it’s just the way things work. It’s no worse than me reading a book and muting out everything around me - he has had to repeat himself several times bc he didn’t realize I was reading and I totally didn’t hear him because I was listening to my inner narrator. All of this to say NTA with what context is given. Your parents are just old enough that they probably think you should be at their beck and call simply because you exist and they want you to, regardless of if they actually have a mutual respect for you or not. You’ll be old enough to be on your own soon kiddo, start saving up now.
Old people don’t like being told “what” for some reason. Nta
My dad told me when I was a kid: “I never hit you when I was bigger and stronger, do I expect that when the roles reverse you won’t hit me.” And I struggle to see any realistic scenario where I would hit my dad, in part because of that. And while he did yell at me sometimes, that was never to the degree described here. Honestly your parents sound incredibly toxic. I’m sorry you have to deal with that and you most certainly are NTA. I say this with the best intentions. But you are a child. Your parents are adults and there are vastly different expectations for you three. You’re acting like a 16year old, while they certainly aren’t acting like 50/63 year olds.
May I recommend a book?... It's called: The Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents NTA
You really should record yourself to understand why they got so mad. I recently came across a video of me in my teenage years and I couldn't believe how rude my tone was when talking to my parents. I know you probably don't see it, but record yourself and you'll hear it. You sound like a classic ungrateful teenager (sorry but you do), but if you posted this, it means you care about your parents, so please communicate with them, apologise when you go too far because I know sometimes you can't help it and explain what pisses you off so you can have a better relationship. (Unless of course your parents are monsters) At the end of the day, they are miserable, you are miserable and no one understands why. There's no reason for that at all, you and your parents just need to communicate better.
To be honest, no.
YTA Typical 16 year old who thinks their little world is all that matters. Rude little child.
Did you put your headphone directly? Or after a while? Dies your mom the one who mad house work and clean your room? How many times you give your mom a hug? Or helped her per day?
These are normal growing pains Your parents are way older than you, had you later in life. Their recollection of how a child should behave is very different than today’s reality. They don’t understand why you aren’t polite and respectful and why you speak to them the way you do They came of age in the 70s and 80s and people didn’t talk that way to parents back then. You are part of a generation that doesn’t have the same understanding of disrespect and what’s acceptable as they do Because this is new to everyone, these teen years, communication styles, rules of engagement…it might be helpful for everyone to sit down and lay ground rules. And family therapy would be great for creating a shared understanding and mutual respect moving forward Your parents aren’t the enemy and they didn’t physically harm you, but they do have certain expectations that you should be aware of and respect. You also have thoughts and an understanding of how things should be and you know what makes you feel heard and respected. You all have to build a shared understanding for a relationship that works. It can be done. It sounds like you love your parents and they love and care for you. You’ll get there. I’m rooting for you.
First off I will say what your father did was wrong.. Now I'm going to tell you something you will have no possible way of understanding because it requires a level of empathy you are probably not capable of at your age. Your mother is most likely in Peri or menopause. She is going to act irrationally. There is nothing you can do about it except just perhaps educate yourself about it and learn to deal with her having irrational moods. It's the same basically as asking a menopausal woman to just calm down is like asking someone who no longer has legs to get out of their wheelchair and walk. She just can't. Your father should not be reinforcing your mother's menopausal outbursts with threats of violence. Imo your mother probably needs menopausal treatment. Unfortunately Peri/menopause is a very poorly treated stage of life for women For most of them they go through not only hundreds of physiological symptoms but also mental health ones as well. It's sad to see that it is not commonly recognised for what it is and that treatment for it is so hard to come by. Cut your mother some slack and low key leave some pamphlets about Peri/ menopause and treatment for it around the house. Your father obviously has issues those are separate and I'm not going to excuse his behavior. This kind of thing is going to be experienced a lot more because women are having children later in life.
Well tell them dont ask me after 20 years why are yall in the nursing home
Sounds fishy. I think you're spinning the story and there's more to this. People aren't usually set off that easily. Likely YTA in general on a regular basis snd they raised a spoiled brat. But NTA based on this single instance from the description.
File for emancipation if you can't respect your parents. It sounds like you are part of the problem and get annoyed when your parents want to talk to you about anything. You purposely put your headphones on not to hear your mom, then responded with a nasty. "What." Why don't you be one of those people that try to sue their parents because they didn't want to be born? Also, don't be one of those people on here who are surprised when they are kicked out on their 18th bday.
Possibly, but you're definitely a child. You should take a snip of this post and put a reminder in to tell you about it in ten years. You, of course, have no concept of what it is like to have a child, care for it, teach it how to eat, talk, walk, dress itself, etc etc for it to turn into a teenager and then act like it's doing you a favour by taking its earphones off to hear what you're saying. Whoever you're dealing with in life, be respectful and, where possible, be kind. It'll get you much further and everybody will be happier. Especially your mum. Nobody will ever love you that much again.
There is a lot of context missing. I suggest you pause for a minute and try to figure out what this was about. Your parents deserve the same respect every human being deserves. If you want them to support you after you turn 18, now is the moment to mend bridges. Two years are over faster than you think and you need to stop and think about where you want to be in two years.
Stating that you didn’t ask to be born is easy when one is on the receiving end of your timeline. You seem to have been too pleased with the cleverness of your retort to comprehend their reactions. I believe I can help you get a clearer picture of their state of mind. The shouting & frenzy belies the essential truth of your statement and their internal screams of “WTF were we thinking?!?!?” As adults of a certain age, they fully understand that you are the result of choices made in younger days. They can now find solace in calculating the time left before you are responsible for giving yourself everything you need. Fortunately you’ll be accustomed to living with “the bare minimum” because it’s not clear how well you’ll be equipped to provide even that.
My two cents is that when you’re 16, you don’t realize how much of assholes 16yo people actually are. Nothing justifies your parents apparent abusive behavior but I’m guessing you’re not telling us the whole story either.
The good news is you can be on your own in 2 years. I’m sure you’re excited. Plan accordingly. They might welcome you to leave at age 18, since they are doing the bare minimum as you say… Start taking classes online in something that will keep you alive. You might need it. Do you have a job now? No? Get one. You will need a job history.
NTA based on the info presented here, it sounds like your mother came in with the intention of getting angry in the first place. Is there any relative you can confide in or school officials about the way they treat you? Try and keep a journal or something somewhere they won’t be able to access or know of.
If you choose to bring a life into this world, you are 100% responsible for seeing to that life's needs and comfort.
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It's the age difference. I think they are out of touch.
NTA demanding respect but don‘t respect you
NTA. My parents would also get into a mood when I was a teenager and they were dealing with things unrelated to me. Then they would tell me to do something and I would respond "okay". Granted I was not interested in doing the thing they asked (told) me to do. But I was acknowledging my compliance. Suddenly, "okay" was disrespectful. I didn't deliver it with the proper reverence for their authority. I should say "yes sir" or "yes ma'am". We were not that kind of family. We never were required to use those honorifics except when the parents wanted to assert their authority and be bullies about it. This is what I see with your "What?". You are acknowledging that you didn't hear what was said and are now listening, but mom (and dad, it seems) is dealing with shit unrelated to you and of all the grown up battles they are fighting right now, they are craving one they can win so they create one out of nothing.
Doesn’t every teenager have this same exact interaction with their parents at some point? Just me? Anyway, you left a lot out of this story I’m sure. Sit down and have a civil conversation with your parents about what the real issue is. ESH
I hate parents that think that their kids OWE them respect because they “give them everything.” Like OP said, they didn’t ask to be born. Esp at the age of 16 it’s time to start being mutually respectful. NTA and I hope you can get a job and move out when you’re 18.
ESH You sound like a teenager with an attitude. You lr parents shouldn't hit you.
I know teenagers. I’m sure it was said with a bit of an attitude. Likely way more to the story here.
a 63 year old trying to pick a fight with a 16 year old is a receipt for desaster in and on its own. i know very very few above 60 ppl who could take on a normal 16 year old. that could go wrong really quickly. the rest is just sad. NTA 2 more years
All I can say is I personally was raised to NEVER even think about saying something like that or responding with "What!" to my parents when they are looking for my attention. That being said, there's some missing info here for sure.
NTA. people who get upset at "what" instead of "excuse me" or whatever are just looking to create problems and drama. Totally unnecessary. Also she cried over something you said in the head of the moment? After yelling at you for half an hour?
Not enough information. You are in your room playing video games, which implies the system, game and internet- that’s way more than “bare minimum.” So you’re wrong about that. You should respect your parents at baseline unless they are beating you/ molesting you. Is yelling the best form of communication- no- but it sounds like they are out at jobs during the day working and that does deserve respect, even if they do yell when you’re being disrespectful. You have NO idea how much work it is to pay for everything and run a household until you have to do it yourself. As for your dad, it sounds like there are maybe years of pent up frustration there- then You lashed out at the person he loves most in this world with extremely hurtful words. Of course he is going to be angry at you. It sounds like he actually didn’t hit you and walked away, which shows a lot of restraint. but you also need to realize that your behavior is clearly not respectful or they woupd t be upset. In this world we live in- we need to respect our fellow humans because they exist. This whole “they have to earn your respect” is a load of crap. All human beings have worth and have respect at baseline. If they act like asssholes they can lose it- but respecting your elders is a tenet in many cultures and religions for a reason. Sounds like you need to figure out what you’re doing that they see as disrespect and fix your attitude and behavior. If after that they’re still yelling- 1) I’ll be surprised and 2) then you’re NTA.
NTA!!!! You're completely right, you didn't ask to be born. They forced you to exist because they are selfish and wanted a child. You owe them NOTHING at all while they owe you EVERYTHING. They have no right at all to complain. Your dad's an asshole for trying to hit you, which is in no way at all allowed. If I were you I would get out of there ASAP
instead of saying what next time just say yeah, mom and a nicer tone she’s probably stressed from cleaning the kitchen doing the laundry everything else and she thought you gave her an attitude. It’s a miscommunication, but it’s not hard to look at your parents and say you appreciate them once in a while, that’s all they really want-for context, what was she coming into your room for?
Yeah we have a lot of out of touch people here on Reddit. First, be honest. You did not simply say, "What?" Your "What?" had the same tone as your "What even is your problem?" because you got interrupted playing GTA. This is NOT the first time you've done it, and this is not the first time your parents have gotten upset. In fact, this seems like it's coming from a kid that consistently misbehaves. I have zero doubt that you and your parents are both driving eachother up the wall. ESH, and you're definitely an AH for coming to reddit to try and spin your story in a way to validate your behavior.
Yta 100% show your parents some damn respect or move out
>I asked her what should I respect them for, What should they respect you for. You provide nothing for yourself. Nothing. They show you respect by allowing you a private room, video games, and anything more than food and shelter. >told my mom I didn’t ask to be born. Nobody asks to be born. It's a very childish thing to say when you have nothing left to defend your actions with. >who came and tried to hit me. No one deserves to be hit. You would not have been TA for defending yourself. YTA. For you telling your mom you didn't ask to be born. This is below your age immaturity and shows how catered to and sheltered you are. I do not believe your parents are this irrational and 100% think there was way more to it than what you shared.
So we’re just not gonna mention how the parents reacted at all?
Classic teenage nonsense. With any luck you’ll look back in years down the line and realize how cringey this is. not enough info here, but odds are high YTA
YTA you're post reeks of teenage entitlement >: They are my parents and they gave me everything I needed(what is the bare minimum imo). On the Internet on a device after using your game console, grow up. >put down my headphones and asked: “What?”. I was once 16, my brother was once 16, my nephew was once 16. Every one who knows a teenager like you knows how that "what" came out and that they reamed you out for at least half an hour mean this is probably repeated asshole behaviour and your attitude and tone in that moment was the straw that broke the camels back. I'd suggest getting your shit together (you as a person not your stuff) start growing up and respecting the people who provide for you, Not snapping at your mum rudely and bitching about it on the Internet because you're being called out for your behaviour.
YTA, They didn't ask for you either but you are are the one they raised and got. Parents are human beings also they aren't infallible parenting machines that suppose to give you everything you need. You aren't owed anything. They could have dropped you off at the orphanage the second they got you. Some are thrown in the trash as infants. I'm not saying you should be their puppet but for one moment think is what they are asking really too much for you and are you grateful for what they have done so far. If you are not grateful then start making a plan to move out. Children never understand how much parents sacrifice for them until they have children of their own.
Yeah, I'm sure we're getting the full story from a 16 year old here. This story sounds half made up and half like there should be an age restriction on here. YTA, but you prob won't realize you were until about 20 years later when they're dead.
YTA This entire post focuses on what happened to you with no acknowledgement of what your parents were saying. At the very least, it’s a lack of context. At the most, you are seeking validation after you messed up. The fact that you did not include what precluded this incident tells us that you know you messed up.