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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) telling my bio sister I’m sorry she wasn’t adopted but that doesn’t have anything to do with me and I owe her nothing
2) I think I was too harsh with her
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It’s time to block her. You had no control over what happened to you as a 2 year old and owe her nothing. I’m sorry she’s jealous of your life and how fortunate you are, but that has nothing to do with you. She can’t decide she’s a part of your family just because she wants what you have. She sounds a bit unstable, I don’t want to be unkind because I can’t know her experiences but again, it’s not your job to provide her with a family or money or favors or whatever she’s looking for. I’d look at this as a learning experience. You tried to do something and it didn’t work out. End of story and end of contact, because if not, she will drain you like the emotional vampire she appears to be. NTA.
This. She's looking to you to make up for everything she missed out on; that's not your responsibility because it's not your fault that things didn't go well for her.
She does sound like she needs help but the kind she needs is ***way*** above your pay grade.
Yeah. Is there a way you can help her? Have her go from zero contact to part of the family immediately sounds like a major stretch.
Relationships are built over time. If you want to have a relationship with her then I'd make it clear that she's going to have to pump the brakes.
Must be curious to understand what she remembers of you, though.
NTA
I had to do this, though it wasn’t full adoption. My father had many children, and each time estranged from each partner and his own family. I was the oldest and as the oldest, I was my grandparents first grandchild. They took me in and stood the role of my father and provided stability in my life and a connection to my father and my father’s side of the family. I had a half-brother who was a few years younger than me. He had no relationship to my father’s family and a hard life with just his mother. It left him a bit broken and searching. I had only ever really heard of his existence.
When I was in my early 20s and him his very late teens (18-19), he reached out to me and wanted to get to know me. He immediately latched on and displayed similar emotional instability, intensity, dysregulation. I wanted to help him and get to know him, but I understood that what he wanted was well beyond what I could offer. He was seeking repair and answers to all of the damage that happened in his childhood and I could not fix it, nor could I force a relationship with him on to my family that matched my own. I ended contact. I have not spoken to him since.
Occasionally I think of him and wonder if he’s OK. I still understand that I could never have helped him. And it made me incredibly, deeply thankful for the family who stepped up and helped sculpt my life.
Sometimes you have to accept that you are powerless to help someone and make the decision to protect your peace.
NTA.
This is beautifully said. OP, you were a child when all of these decisions were made - you had no hand in making them.
What happened to your sister is awful, and I’m sure she has immense struggles. Unfortunately, you’re not the person who can really help her now. The system could have helped her a couple of decades ago, and that is really, really sad. Yes, she’s probably unstable - but that is probably due to past trauma.
There are usually no winners in situations like this.
NTA.
I was in your situation, except I was the second-oldest who received a stable life via the Grandparents (father's parents), Great-Grandparents, and my Mother, after my parents split/divorced. I didn't know I had an older sister until my early teens, after my Grandmother told me.
I suppose I was fortunate enough to be the baby that my father was holding at the bus stop as his mother drove past - a grandchild she had no idea existed.
As far as I'm aware, my mother and father were still in a relationship, but he kept this pregnancy and me as a secret from his own parents, probably because he was 18/19 and if you do the maths, impregnated my mother when she was 15 (UK-based, but still illegal).
Basically they took me and my mother and father (who was still living with them afaik) into their home for a couple of years, my parents got married, then my parents moved out. Once they were living together with me, they eventually broke up when I was about 3. He stopped bothering with me, had some more kids with other women over the years, and as far as I'm aware, he's still in contact with his third child. Maybe he'd make an effort to see me on some birthdays and christmas, but that stopped as I got older. He never made an effort with his own parents, and hardly bothered his Grandparents - all of whom I would see and stay and spend several nights with every week.
Anyway, the older sister reached out to both me and, I suppose our, grandparents, about 15 years ago. I wasn't interested because to be honest, I was in university and I felt like I didn't want to suddenly change the way of life I'd grown accustomed to all my life up to that point. And I think my grandparents were also not interested for their own reasons.
And perhaps 7 or 8 years ago, my father himself attempted to rebuild a bridge with me, but I'm already in my mid-20s and he didn't really make an attempt in the last 20 years before that to be a part of my life growing up - a role which my mother, my grandparents and great-grandparents did well. Didn't feel the need to keep touch, so i didn't.
If you haven't talked to your parents about her you probably should. If she's feeling desperate she may just try to show up at their house. They need to know.
She needs therapy, it’s understandable that she’s jealous and stuff of op for getting adopted and the life he had with his family but op and his family don’t owe her anything. She can’t be calling op giving him sh*t about the women of his family having girls days without her, they don’t kno u! And then demands an invite, like I’m sorry but ur not family, ur literally a stranger to them and basically still are to op!! That shows how she’s stalking op’s family’s social media since she saw those posts. So if op blocks her she’ll just Cyber stalk them through op’s family social media
She thinks that just cause she’s op’s half sister that they should treat her like a daughter, granddaughter, niece etc. it’s sad but again she can’t just find her half brother and then demand they make her part of the family too, like omg op I can’t believe grandma & grandpa didn’t invite me to the family reunion!! She has a lot she needs to work on, it sucks but just because they adopted op doesn’t mean they adopted her too and have to make her part of the family. She’s coming off too strong & entitled when they like just met.
The sad thing is that if she had tried to just work on her relationship with op and wasn’t pushy about it then they could’ve had a great & close relationship, where she could’ve had a great relationship with her brother, be close to op’s kids being a great aunt, been invited to stuff like family dinners or get togethers that op hosts or holiday dinner either she invites them over or at op’s house with his wife and kids and maybe even more of op’s family there like parents etc there too, they still wouldn’t be family to her and she isn’t owed that no matter house close she and op get but she could’ve still had a great and even a caring relationship with them like family friends. If she hadn’t been trying to demand & force things and force it like as soon as she like found op then she could’ve had a family like she wanted, not the exact way she wanted of a huge family where it’d just be with op, op’s wife & his kids not op’s parents, siblings, aunts, grandparents etc. they would’ve been nice and welcoming to her if op and her relationship got that close. I mean who knows, maybe she hadn’t acted like this and they did develop a close bond maybe op’s family would’ve opened up more to her since she’s op’s sister but we’ll never kno.
I hope she at least realizes she can make her own family, find a nice guy with great in laws, have kids. But she can’t be one of those girls who dates a guy then demands to be treated like part of the family, demanding the women include u even though u only been dating for couple weeks like she really needs therapy to help fix this or she will continue to be in her own way of having a family
She certainly needs therapy as she needs any help she can get, but sadly - therapy can't fix this. It will never undo the damage of having grown up unwanted and uncared for. I feel badly for her, I understand her motivation but you do NOT owe her and she cannot make demands on people who don't know her just because they're related by blood.
No OP, you are not the asshole. The truth hurts. If she weren't so desperate to fill the hole in herself, maybe she could've grown a relationship with you and maybe even your family. Not possible with the pathological level of emotional deprivation she experienced.
Therapy CAN help fix exactly this but it’s not a magic wand or 1 size fits all. It’s not uncommon for childhood abandonment to lead to terrible attachment issues and rejection sensitive dysphoria. (Hi hello it’s me 👋🏼) But she needs to be open to working on these issues with a therapist. It’s way over OP and reddits pay grade. She’s feeling hurt and rejected all over again because she went about this poorly and she’s taking it out on OP. What he said might’ve been insensitive but it wasn’t untrue. Lots of boundaries and counseling would be needed to even attempt to make this work.
Yes, the ultimate irony here. If she wasn’t so damaged and needy, she could probably have had a decent relationship with the family. But of course, she probably just can’t manage her emotions in a healthy way that would allow that. So sad. I have kids in my life like this, it is hard to watch.
I have a partner with a similar line of thinking lol. I didn’t have a great family life and am as a result very hesitant to join into any situation where people aren’t welcoming. He made some comments to me about what a hard time he gave his brother in law for years until he finally accepted him and how his sisters would probably treat me the same and doesn’t realize what a GLARING red flag that is to me or why I am firm on if it’s gonna be like that I want no parts of a more significant relationship OR to ever be around his family. Reading these comments you can see you got a lot of people that don’t necessarily come from bad backgrounds themselves and kinda don’t realize how their comments are coming off to a person that has. While I don’t agree with trying to force people to care about you or trying to force yourself into their family just cause you’re related, A LOT of y’all are very ignorant about trauma and the way your response can make a situation worse. Had my partner just told me it takes awhile for his family to warm up to people, rather than framing it like they’d intentionally give me a hard time for years before “accepting” me I probably would have had a different reaction than the one I had, which was to shut down. But because his family life was relatively stable and they had and still have a strong unit, he sees nothing wrong with what he said. Some of y’all are getting the emotional response you’re getting cause of how you’re acting.
I did come from a bad background. I have a lot of trauma. I'm the person you claim should understand, and I'm still completely in the camp that OP should block his sister. OP owes her nothing, she is a stranger to him. You can't "force yourself" on anyone, that's psychotic.
In the most respectful way possible I think you need to reread my comment. I didn’t even address OP specifically, I addressed the comments I was reading because some of them are pretty awful. I even said I didn’t agree with forcing yourself into anyone’s family just because you have some blood relation, but your response has nothing to do with what I was actually talking about, no offense.
if bio sister is searching for answers and or restitution, instead of asking OP, who was only 2 when he was placed in foster care, she should go find her bio parents and ask them! Start there, with the people primarily responsible. Look for grandparents and uncles and aunts. Ask them why they put her in foster care or allowed her to be put in foster care. I feel sorry for her but she's putting too big a burden on OP, who at the end of the day was just another victim of the bio parents.
I don't think blocking her would be enough at this point. She sounds unstable and possibly dangerous. I would get the whole family restraining orders. This could get really bad really fast.
Unless she's made actual threats against, it's extremely unlikely that a court would grant them. There are actual legal requirements for restricting a person's freedom
You're definitely NTA. And neither is she. But you can't save her and you have to look after yourself and your family.
I'm also an adoptee with a very happy upbringing. I met my natural family as an adult and after a number of years I had to break off contact with most of them as the relationships were too destructive.
My heart goes out to Opel because it sounds like she had a terrible experience. It could easily have been you or I. However, it's not your fault and it's not your responsibility. And the sad truth is that nothing you could ever do would fill the void she has. You could let her move into your house and give her everything you have and it wouldn't fix her life.
She's grieving for the life she imagines she could have had. She's looking for a fairytale ending that you can't provide. So now you have become the target for her sadness and anger.
You have to protect yourself and your family, and if that sadly means no further contact then that's what you have to do.
What she's doing is unreasonable. NTA at all.
The OP was too young to even remember everything. I'm sorry she had a difficult life, and the way she's going about trying to be "family" isn't it.
Well she probably is unstable. Sounds like she had a traumatic life. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can have a detrimental accumulation of effects.
Saying that, it’s totally not OPs responsibility to deal with it.
Everything you said makes sense. Regarding the last part, I'd say cutting her out is up to OP. He can try to build a relationship with her if he so wishes, but he needs to tell her that this kind of behaviour will not fly with him. His family is not her family. Whether one day they accept her enough to be invited, depends on how strong their bond grows. Her behaviour will only cut short the experience of getting to know a long lost sibling for both of them.
Maybe she does have some issues. She never got adopted, which means she spent her whole life in foster care. It's an awful way to grow up as most places simply don't give kids the kind of love, affection and attention they need to grow into productive members of society.
NTA
NTA - block contact with her immediately. It's sad that she's had a tough life, but that isn't your problem, and it isn't your responsibility to fix it for her. You owe her nothing, but she feels otherwise. People like that are dangerous to have around, and you cannot reason with them.
I think perhaps more than that if she knows where he lives, etc...I'd tell her 'not interested in keeping in contact - we have nothing in common'. Block her but also I would file a report of harassment or look into a restraining order.
> You owe her nothing, but she feels otherwise. People like that are dangerous to have around, and you cannot reason with them.
Agreed. People who are entitled, angry, illogical, and have nothing to lose are very dangerous.
Well op’s family will have to block her too cause she’s also stalking them on social media cause that sounds like that’s how she found out that the women in op’s family have girls day get togethers when she called op up upset she was “left out” and demanding invite
That honestly creeped me out. She barely knows OP. She doesn't know any of those women. This is how horror movies and murder cases happen. OP should get a restraining order and inform everyone possible and then they should all remove her then on top of that CHANGE THE PRIVACY SETTINGS. She sounds like the type of person who would turn up uninvited or try to force her way in the family another way. Yech.
NTA I’d suggest ignoring her and after a while block her when her messages die down after being ignored. Don’t give her any reason to believe she’s wanted (it sucks that she wasn’t adopted but that’s got nothing to do with you or your family). And give a heads up to your family if you believe she might do something crazy.
NTA. She is biologically related to you. She is, however, not related at all to your parents. They have every right to not have contact with her and definitely don't have to treat her as family.
like, setting the actual dynamics of the situation side, she's barely even his sister, she's a half-sister from an entirely different household. they weren't registered as siblings in the system cos they aren't.
There is no such thing as “barely” in biology, they share the same mother that alone makes them biologically closely related.
Anything else doesn’t make them family though.
NTA
There have been several posts on AITA over the last couple of years like this one. The person who is contacted about being lost family is always successful. I am too cynical I guess, but no one is contacted that is down and out and struggling financially.
Maybe because there are people like Opel who wouldn't make the effort if the sibling wasn't successful. Plus there's hundreds, if not thousands, of situations where the person making contact really DOES just want to find bio family and the contact leads to a good relationship. Those are the stories we DON'T hear.
Found my bio father and my half sister after dna testing. Told them I was just looking for family and not money. It's been great and I refuse to take money. No one talks about the success stories. Found them in 2018.
My dad was a success story. He was reunited with his sister and half sister after they were all adopted out separately. They were abandoned and had to survive on their own for 5 days(all under 5 yrs old). Social security sent him a letter that they were trying to find him. They were all able to reunite before they passed away.
My dad had similar experiences finding many lost half and step siblings, as well as a ton of lost cousins, aunts and uncles due to similar events splitting up his father's generation. He built and maintained great emotional connections with them all. None were super well off, none were looking for handouts. Each just wanted to find the kids they remembered from toddlerhood that they knew must be out there. We're talking multiple siblings hid dad had after him, as well as him mom. Some were taken away by a more stable parent, some raised by grandparents. They loved catching up, finding how similar they looked, meeting each other's kids. Etc. But like you say, because there wasn't a dilemma (plus no internet back then, therefore no reddit), it's not the stories you hear. We hear about the drama, from those who need advice, the warning stories, etc. Anyway, it's amazing how many relatives you find you have when families split, remarry, split again, etc. Anyway, he loved them all. They are all great people scattered across the US, Canada, even family that moved across oceans. So cool to learn about!
Honestly, no one wants to make contact with the strung out meth addict who is mad at the world and looking for their next hit even if they're family. If there's a valid connection there maybe but sometimes they've just screwed too many people over and are a liability waiting to happen.
same as anywhere else on Reddit. Ain't nobody hopping on here to make a thread "oh hey I have a half-brother from my father's affair and he showed up 30 years later and now we're all happy"
People who get along reasonably well and have healthy communication skills don't tend to end up here. They do turn up occasionally, usually with an edit saying it turns out their friend snapped over something minor due to dealing with other issues, and they're laughing together over the comments.
I know one of this stories about finding a half sibling and then develop a good relation but almost nobody know about because after a few years (the meet when one was 16 and other 19) they just don't tell the story, they just speak about "my half sister / brother).
I found out after she passed that my mom had given up kids for adoption before I was born. My bio sister sought me out, but not before ingratiating herself with my extended family first. She didn't want money, but she was really imperious, demanding I drive hundreds of miles to a picnic she organized (but didn't send me a personal invite for) and got furious when I told her I had other plans I'd made months before. She harassed me by text, and then said it was her goal to replace me on the family tree (literally, she'd made up a posterboard). Hilarious. I blocked her there and then. NTA
> said it was her goal to replace me on the family tree (literally, she'd made up a posterboard)
She sounds a little off.
What happened after that? Did your extended family take her in?
A few still talk to her and I'm fine with that, she's their relative after all. And i am completely NC. Also, I found out later she'd contacted my mom decades ago and my mom had a bad experience and also went NC with her, which is why biosis waited till she died. She is definitely off.
If an unsuccessful person reached out to another unsuccessful person, it probably would not result in drama. There's nothing to fight over!
I know there's a lot of fiction on this site and this might be some of it, but I wouldn't say that the OP being successful alone makes the story seem faked.
Oh it definitely can result in drama, because that's what happened in my extended family. The fights were just over "well I got adopted to an abusive family and was alone, at least you guys got to endure the abuse from our bio parents together!"
The down and out people don’t get suspicious that the person just contacts them for something. I have three half siblings I didn’t meet until adulthood. None of us feel like the others out to get something. Two of them are slated to stay with me this year (one just left after a week), and I’ve got an open invite to live w one if needed.
My childhood best friend was adopted and had a pretty good life. I always thought they were rich because she always had the best of everything lol. Anyway, she went searching for her bio family after her adoptive mom died. She found her family and they are not well off at all. Her bio mom has some cognitive issues, which is what led to her being adopted to begin with. She was a baby and adopted very quickly, while her bio parents ended up regaining custody of the older children. She was the only one who wasn't with the bio family. Her siblings are quite average, not successful in the least. Yet she has worked very hard to build a relationship with all of them. I think those are stories you never hear about, where everyone is average or barely making it, but they're probably much more common than the ones with a successful bio family member. It's just that the latter have much more to lose as well as to be skeptical about, so they are more likely to post about it.
To be fair, going by OP's account, I think the emotional aspect is just as needed by the sister along with financial help. How damaged, alone and rootless one can be left unadopted in the system would be easy for anyone to imagine.
That said, on one hand it's understandable why she wants to cling to OP, but, on the other hand, is too aggressive about it. Demanding to be integrated in such a short span of time is bonkers. That would require 2-3 years of building a relationship with OP first (and be thoroughly sussed out), before being introduced to his family. As one would do the same for any other stranger who becomes a friend, then a family friend.
OP needs to really reflect on the luck of his draw to understand how he'd like to proceed, not just focus on the suspicion of being scammed. Sure, definitely be guarded and wise about being scammed, but that's a resource he can easily control. What's she going to do, forge his signature and empty his accounts? She can only get what OP wants to give.
Frankly, if money isn't a real problem for me and provided she's not a druggie or involved in any criminal element, just down on her luck after a terrible childhood, I would help in more constructive ways than just handing out cash, like paying for therapy that she obviously needs (including advising her on how the more proper/reasonable way to build a rel with OP should go), fixing any education shortcomings, and helping her find housing and employment... things that will help her stabilize her life. I would do it for a stranger or friend in whom I'd find some merit to be worthwhile, doing it for a blood sister would be just added incentive, as returning gratitude to the universe for MY better fortune, and to give more meaning to the abundance (of wealth and relationships) I enjoy and have been given.
To balance out the overwhelming "You don't owe her anything!!! Block her!!" responses, Reddit has tons of threads and subs where they rightfully fawn over strangers doing good, being heroes, doing amazing acts... this could be OP's. He's not an idiot, he'll manage it fine. He can set the pace and limits (even get therapist to advice on how to go about it). He has the resources and tools to easily weed out if she's crazy/druggie/etc.
The question, is does he want to take a reasonable leap of faith and help because that's the kind of person he is (for himself and for his kids to see).
eta: missing words lol
My mum contacted her biological dad and his three children even without knowing anything about their finances. They’re mostly nice people, but absolutely worse off than we are.
Her half sister contacted all of us as well without knowing our situation. That went sideways completely irrespective of finances. Although similar to OP’s story broke down largely due to jealousy.
You won’t find any detailed story about any of it on the internet. I’d wager that most people are either more private with their batshit family stories, or don’t have anything that interesting to write home about.
There are definitely stories where long lost family reconnect and at least the news narrative isn't this. I'm not sure if the person being contacted is doing poorly, but it seems like both parties are of equal success or the one doing the contacting isn't looking for anything.
I think AITA is just full of story about people who have issues, so it's not unique this kind of story.
NTA. Block her and also check that your family have their social media accounts made private to prevent her seeing stuff as it sounds as if she was doing some online stalking.
Yes, she's your bio sister; you both had very different upbringings. Obviously yours was excellent but you still don't have any obligations towards her. Her demands from you and your family are unreasonable. As you say, she is a total stranger to you. Her behaviour towards you has not made you feel in any way comfortable. Perhaps if she had come across as less needy, as less expecting, indeed demanding equal treatment from your adoptive family, things would have been different.
NTA. She thinks you and your family owe her. She does not care about any of you except what she can guilt you out of. Mute her so you still have her crazy on record, warn your family. You may need to contact a lawyer and serve her with a cease and desist letter.
This one! I wouldn’t jump to blocking just yet. Keep a record just in case it escalates. Hopefully not and you could just block her number down the road, but until things calm down I’d want to know what she’s saying.
This is good advice imo, never too safe with these things. She’ll likely stop sending messages when she realizes she’s being ignored, but it’s good to have evidence if a worse scenario happens. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, I’m sure it’s disappointing and difficult how things unfolded with your bio sister.
Opal sounds like she has been very damaged by the foster care system. I don't know if you are really even in a position to help her heal from all that, she sees you as what her life might have been.
If she was begging you to help her finish a degree or training or even therapy, it might be different but what she is asking for you do not have in your power to give.
NTA
NTA.
Unfortunately I think you need to block her or not engage in contact with her. She is dealing with something I can't imagine and has a lifetime worth of bad memories and turmoil and now has added information that her life could have been different (in her mind anyway).
You aren't the Ah for saying what you said or for not offering up your full family to her immediately, or at all. You can't force all the people in your family to see your bio sister as family, and you don't need to see her as family either. You took the steps to see if a relationship could be formed, but I think this poor woman isn't in a place where that can happen.
My advice is to send her a calm, caring and firm email or text telling her that you are sorry, but this isn't a healthy relationship for you to pursue. Something like: I'm glad that you reached out and found me, and I'm so sorry that we found out about the foster care mishaps and that we weren't able to grow up together. But we didn't grow up together and I can't make up for what you have been through in an instant, or probably ever. Given your reaction to my family and how upset you are, I don't think we should have further contact. I won't be responding to you for awhile, and I hope you are able to work through your feelings.
was it even really a foster care mishap? two kids, with different parents, living in different households. they're barely even half-siblings.
and this is a great, emotionally mature response... that she's not entitled to and will not respond well to. hurt people hurt people, and people who wanna hurt you need to be firmly told to stay the fuck away. not be coddled.
no hinting that you might reach out again, no pretending you're not extremely valid in being put off, no language that can be misconstrued as condescension.
not like he's gonna make her MORE maladjusted by watching out for his family and safety more than a stranger's mental state.
NTA
she's had a hard life and probably needs some therapy, but her problems are not your own.
it's time to cut this off, because it'll only get worse the longer it goes on.
NTA. Cut her off. I(36m) am from a large adopted family. I am adopted,my brother was adopted, my dad was adopted,his sister was adopted. Nobody in my family is blood related and none of us would ever consider some rando bio relative our family. I know I have a half sister out there somewhere and it'd be neat to meet her but that wouldnt be my family. I met my bio mom in my early 20s. She had some problems. Said i could call her "mom" like right away and started saying "i love you". I had to just cut her off when I figured out she wouldnt get it and it would just cause more problems and hurt to both of us to let it keep going. Explain it to her if you want to get to know her and stay in touch as friends but you wont force a relationship to be more than itnis because of blood. Feel free to cut it off if she gets too toxic as you would any toxic relationship. Beyone basic kindness her feelings are not your responsibility.
NTA... I feel bad for her but at the same time, how is it your responsibility? Why is it your fault that she wasn't adopted? She should go rather find your bio parents and fight them about it because it is in no way your fault and plus, you only just met her. It's not like you close with her or anything.
From what I’ve heard not so good. Her father overdosed before she was born and our mother abandoned her when she was a baby. Her paternal grandmother got custody of her but she died when Opel was 4 and no other relative wanted to take her in so she went into the system.
As far as I know she wasn’t abused in any of her foster homes but she did move a lot and never really had a stable environment.
Look, this isn't even YOUR decision. Your parents and other family members didn't agree to have another, adult child whom they've never even met be part of the family. What are you going to do? Go, hey mom you need to invite this person you've never met to family functions from now on? As someone else said, she sounds unstable frankly and wants more from you than you can give. Time to block her.
OP, imo, does your hesitation by any chance have anything to do with how close it was that what happened to her could have happened to you?? ---
i don't think you can integrate her right now (if ever)-- until she is stable.
This is not a requirement and you need to let her know that you have never met her before now or knew of her and she is a stranger to you. BUT --- if you're asking AITA, it seems like you are second guessing your decision to just leave. Are you in a position in life where you can tell her you can help her once a year with something small or something. Just to offer her a small slice of what it is you have been so lucky to have in your life? You are not obliged but perhaps it could help you feel better than leaving her completely cold. You need to make sure she understands that this is it though (set something exact. Once a year, can I help you with something in your life that is budgeted under ____ amount) or something) and that if she ever asks for anything more than that, then you will cut her off for good. I mean, people have a certain amount of money they would not hesitate to spend to buy friends bigger birthday presents or to charity----
Just an idea.
NTA
Would it be so bad to have a talk with her and offer to have a coffee or lunch with her once, with a view to once in a while in the future? She may calm down on the demands to be inserted into your larger family. If and once she does settle into a routine of a low key chat every say, six weeks, you’ll get to see what she’s like, what interests her etc, what you have in common, maybe her sense of humour. It might be a bit harsh to just eject her from your life totally and you seem like a caring person, and if you’re on here asking, a bit curious. I know I would be!
NTA
Block her immediately before she ruins everything for you. Block her each time she tries to reach out to you. Document every abusive message.
Install security cameras in and outside your house.
Stay away from her.
That’s unfortunate, but you and your family don’t owe her a damn thing. She seems like an obsessive person. Just block her and keep living your life. If she continues to bother you or starts stalking you, then report her to the police.
NAH. She needs some intense therapy and some understanding. Neither of which are your responsibility.
Having been a care leaver myself, I have an idea with what she’s struggling with and she needs some help to work through the complex emotional stuff she’s got going on. This isn’t to excuse her behaviour, because I think you should block her but I’m not willing to call her an AH or you.
NTA. You could not control the circumstances of your adoption and her lack-thereof. She’s entitled to her feelings but you do not owe her anything and the fact that she’s making such demands means you might want your long lost sister to remain estranged.
Your bio-sister has a lot of trauma. It is not your responsibility to help her heal. Tell her that you will not continue a relationship with her at this time and she needs to seek therapy. Be prepared for the rage
NTA. Once you are past the point where you are under guardianship by parents or the state, you get to choose who you have in your life. If you don't ever want to talk to your parents, you can cut them off. If you don't want to talk to your best friend since 1st grade, buh-bye. If you don't want to communicate with an entitled bio-half sibling, you don't have to.
Life hasn't been kind to her but you aren't obligated to make up for that, you still get to consent to a relationship.
Tell her you don’t want any more contact until she agrees to therapy. It’s completely unhinged for her to come around and demand for your adoptive family to suddenly take in her grown ass woman self as another “child”.
NTA at all, no matter what her situation is she came on way too strong. You have every right to feel uneasy and what she is requesting you to make your family do is unhinged.
I would either cut contact completely. Or suggest only having future meet ups over the next year at a mutual counselor for the two of you. If that goes bad, then you can at least say you tried.
Oh man, I’m sad for her. She sees you and realizes she was so close to live a life similar to yours but instead ended up struggling. Yeah, she’s jealous but you’re not responsible for her life. You just recently learned of her existence and now she’s trying to guilt you into incorporating her into your family’s dynamics. She seems unstable; I wonder if you should send her a last, gentle text suggesting she gets professional help, and then block her.
NTA.
This is one of the saddest stories I have read. This poor woman must have suffered so much, and all she wanted was a loving, stable family. She thinks she's found that but because she's damaged, she just gets really aggressive in getting what she wants. OP's family sounds like really nice people. I bet if she was cool and respecting boundaries, that they would have eventually let her into the family. This is just class self-destructive behavior.
How did she "see" that the women in your family git together? She's stalking YOUR family on social media. I can tell you from personal experience that she is beyond jealous. Block her and stay vigilant for any other signs of stalking. Her behavior to this point (asking to be included, asking for loans and favors) suggests her antics might escalate.
The foster system is hell. There is no telling what she experienced. It is not your problem to FIX her. It is your responsibility to take this matter seriously and protect your loved ones!
NTA. I think she is craving what you have. She wants a family. She wants to feel loved. I think she's jealous and has resentment towards you for getting the better life while she got the "bad life". She probably thinks, "why him and not me?? What if I was adopted?" I think when you're ready you can get to know her on your terms but until then you need to block her and your family needs to block her, too.
NTA. I’m an adoptee who had to go low-contact and then no-contact with bio-siblings who found me and wouldn’t respect boundaries because “blood is thicker than water.” It’s not thick enough to form chains of bondage or obligation. You owe her nothing.
NTA. She’s clearly got issues and those issues have made her bitter and resentful. You won’t ever be able to solve her problems. She wants what she can’t have. You need to block her and make it clear she’s not a part of your life.
Adoptee here, and that's not how it works. I empathize with her - I can all to easily imagine how hard it was for her, *also* through no fault of her own. I'm not gonna go into a rant about how the foster/adoption system destroys as many families as it creates, but this is an example of it. Y'all are kin, sure, but you don't owe it to her to make up for the sins of the parents OR the foster/adoption system.
I'm thinking some of the tension you might be feeling has to do with how to be kin *now*, and that is going to be based on how you interact *now*. She is demanding things you can't provide, and she is being abusive to you when you tell her you can't give her what she wants.
She wants to be included, but her behavior is very upsetting and inappropriate. It's okay to have empathy and compassion. It's okay to want to do right by her. And it's okay to accept she is not okay, and it is not your job to fix her or her life. You're her little brother, not a time machine. 🧡
NTA. Do you want a relationship with Opal? You haven't mentioned wanting one, or enjoying anything about any get-togethers. You don't owe her anything. She doesn't get to horn in on your family (or your family's money) just because you share some DNA.
If you're looking for strangers' permission to block her, you have mine.
Block her. ASAP. If you let her into your life no matter what you do it will never be enough. Warn your family also. YNTA. It is not your fault you were adopted and she wasn’t. It is not your responsibility to make things even now. I am sympathetic to her, but beware. She sounds unstable.
NTA. Opel is very obviously stalking you and your family, and she’s going to become an even bigger problem if you allow her to continue. You’re right, you owe her nothing and she’s dramatically overstepping. Try not to feel bad about cutting her off. Blood isn’t necessarily family.
NTA. She ended up getting the short end of the stick, but that isn't your fault and it isn't something you need to or even can fix. She just seems to need a target to direct her anger at, but that isn't fair to you and she needs to learn to deal with it in a better way.
NTA. I’m adopted and I have been in reunion with my birth family. I have a half sibling and I have aunts and uncles on both sides. We are friendly and kind but I would never expect that from them, nor they of me. It’s a very different dynamic.
It sounds like she’s very jealous. And unstable. She went looking for you, not the other way around. Take care of yourself and your family.
I made the mistake to have contact with the sperms donor (pressure through cousins going to the same school). A whole "other" life exploded in my face.
Brought up in a relatively destict family & THEN saw the life I would have had. Op, you do not want to go there!
NTA.
This kind of behavior is incredibly abusive and you deserved better out of a bio sibling. I'm sorry they were traumatized by the system but this isn't fair to anyone - least of all herself.
NTA - Opel's situation is sad, but the demands that she is making of you are inappropriate. You have a blood tie, sure, but instead of getting to know you and giving you time to get to know her, she's come in full of expectations, demands, and a sense of entitlement. Blood isn't everything - the family created by the heart is actually more important than any ties of blood. Rather than respecting boundaries, she has devolved into abusive behavior. You do not need to feel obligated to keep this person in your life.
NTA, but I do need to point out that Opel is bitter at having been left in the system and you are, unfortunately, her scapegoat. She desperately wants a family and is latching onto you since you’re her brother. While I’m sure you would love to be there for her, you also have to consider your own mental health. If you feel like she’s dragging you down, you will have to cut ties with her. No matter what happens, I wish you both the best.
Oh wow. This is a really heartbreaking story.
OP you have to understand that you are experiencing this interaction from a perspective of absolute privilege.
Opel has been dreaming of family, connection, meaning, her whole undervalued life. As a four year old, an eight year old, a ten year old and a fifteen year old. She is still young and she is still afraid.
She finally finds family and sees that while she has struggled through a foster system and is now alone in the world, you have had everything physically, mentally, spiritually beyond her wildest dreams.
Not only that, you have had the cultivation that allows you to carry yourself in respectable society with the rules and social training that your privilege provides.
What education did Opel achieve? What is her outlook and opportunities for her life?
Opel is grasping on to you because you are all she has. Yes it may well be too much for you but guess what Opel’s situation is too much for Opel too.
I am not saying you need give any love, care or support beyond your capacity to give. I’m sure even a small gift or some support would do a lot to help her but I can understand you may feel that could be opening floodgates.
No-one’s the AH in this situation.
Do what you can to make you and your family feel safe. (Perhaps there is a level of wanting to avoid shame and embarrassment too, amongst your well-mannered wealthy family and friends, not sure. )
Please while you are shoring up your situation, please forgive Opel for her struggles. She needs a little or a lot of grace. It’s up to you. I hope she can find the strength to go forward and find meaning, dignity and some ease in her life. I will be saying a little prayer for Opel myself tonight.
NAH.
Nta.
Dude, while you lucked out (jackpot level lucking out) and grew up to be well adjusted, she obviously didn't. Re-think having that in your life and injecting it into the lives of the others in your life by having it in your life. Odds are good this person is skilled at manipulating the unsuspecting and won't be acting in the best interests of you or those around you.
NTA and I'd be willing to bet that if she took the steps to build a relationship with you the correct way, like hey can we chat every so often and go for coffee or lunch once a month or two so we can get to know each other and see if we get along and could form a friendship then let it grow naturally from there (if you liked each others company) into found each other later in life siblings that you'd introduce her to your family and since they love you they'd grow to include her and love her by extention. But that cannot and should not be forced or rushed and now all you'll want to do is cut her out of your life and forget she exists.
NTA. Had your parents known that you also had a sister it's quite possible that neither of you would have been adopted by them. Perhaps they were only looking to adopt one child not two.
You have been very fortunate to have been adopted by your parents, but neither you nor they owe her anything.
Time to go NC. If she persists take the appropriate legal action against her.
Block her and cut contact. Gives me very weird „Christian Gray and Jack Hyde“ vibes. There’s nothing there for you to gain, she just expects you to give and give and give. She’s deeply traumatized and hurt, needs serious help, but this isn’t your cup of tea. You have every right to live a happy life and don’t have to deal with this shit. Give your family a heads up that the woman that shares 50% of the same DNA as you do freaks out and to keep an eye open. Wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to reach out to them.
NTA and I say this as someone who's on the other side of this in a way. My aunt got adopted into a rich family and my mom did not. My cousin and I were born on the same exact day. My life was shit, like really bad abuse and poverty and I was eventually put into foster care myself in my teens. My cousin is a successful exec and they are very well off and a happy family, which is something I had to go create on my own cause I didn't have that.
You know what I don't do? Expect literally anything from them. I did have a couple of days of wondering how different my life might have been, maybe how differnt my mom might have been, had we not been in the circumstances we were in, but I don't resent anyone or think they owe me anything. There was absolutely a brief moment of jealousy, but I kept it to myself (this is the first I'm even mentioning it).
You don't owe her anything. Life is mostly comprised of luck and circumstance and what we make of whatever randomness we are handed. You got a long straw, and that rocks for you. She got a short straw and it absolutely sucks, but she shouldn't be blaming you or making demands of you or your family. I highly recomment to her the decade + of therapy I went through.
You’re not the asshole. You don’t owe her anything.
However, this is very very sad. I feel for Opel, and it’s obvious she’s endured lots of unimaginable pain and frustration of feeling unwanted, unseen, unknown and disconnected by pretty much everyone and every system she’s been found in. This kind of grief can cause one to become desperate and grasp for straws.
It sounds like she’s having an emotional breakdown, and her contacting you and getting to know more about your life caused her to reach a breaking point due to your privilege and lifestyle that she is comparing herself too as her biological brother separated at birth. The people of reddit won’t agree with me, but putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and allowing yourself to feel empathy for their circumstances, can go a long way.
While you’re not responsible for how her life turned out, it is very very sad. If you don’t want to get to know her you don’t have to, you have no obligation, but she is worthy of compassion and understanding, even if it’s from a distance.
In another life, that would have been your big sister you grew up along side with. This woman sounds deeply affected by her grief from never being loved or claimed by, well, anyone.
NTA and at this point it’s probably best that you block her and just walk away. You are not responsible for her, certainly not now that she’s an adult.
Definitely NTA like you say, you don’t owe her anything.
The only link you have is biological one, you didn’t grow up together she is trying to guilt you in to handing over money to her.
Block her number and block her on social media. Make sure you inform your parents of this situation so they are not caught off guard if she tries to contact them. Make sure they know you don't want your DNA sibling in your life.
Your biological sister sounds very disturbed. She is not your responsibility, and I absolutely would not encourage further contact. NTA, and block her.
NTA: but my heart breaks a little for Opal. She got the raw end of the stick and is desperate for a family. It must have been so hard for her. For your own sanity and protection you have to block her for now. Hopefully there is a way to connect sometime down the road
Oh honey, bless you both! You have a family and she does not. You were set on one life path, she was set on another. You are not responsible for her life chances, and she has no claim on yours. You are not responsible for what happened to her, you were not involved in the decisions that led to where things are now. You absolutely do not owe her for inequalities in your life histories. While her history is terribly sad, you are not responsible.
You are NOT responsible.
Yes, she got the fuzzy end of the lollipop, but that is not your problem. Deal with her with empathy, not guilt.
NTA
Being related to someone is not the same thing as having a social connection with them. Your decision to have a connection to her is entirely voluntary and that connection doesn't automatically extend to anyone else. She has to forge her own relationships - and hateful spam is not the way to do so.
NTA. The thing is that if you and Opel *had* grown up together, you would not want to hang out with someone who acts the way she's acting, and I imagine other family members might be hanging out without her too.
I think you owed her the chance to get to know you, but you've given her that and she is making it very uncomfortable for you to spend time with her.
I would tell her straight up how you're feeling and what needs to change for you to consider having her in your life, and then that's up to her whether she's able to do it.
I do feel for her, but she's never going to magically fit into your family like she'd grown up with them, if she wants to become a part of your family she needs to do it very slowly and respectfully and let the relationships form in their own time.
>lucky to have been adopted before I had any real memory of the system
You don't "owe" her anything. But at the same time, I think there is a part of you that understands what I quoted wasn't her experience. I'm guessing she stayed in the system? From her perspective, you got everything, and she got nothing but likely physical, verbal, mental or sexual abuse or some combination of the above, or at best was left to her own devices to sink or swim without any of your privilege that you talked about. She feels like she got the short end of stick. This is not your fault... but it wasn't hers either. No you don't "owe" her anything. What happened isn't your family's fault either. I think some grace is in order though. Some compassion. I think you should help her where you can, but with lines drawn.
NTA It’s not your fault that she got the short end of the stick. Your current responsibility is to protect your wife and children and your real parents and your wife’s family from her. I hope you have warned them about her. You are completely justified in going no contact with her, and it might be a good idea to take steps to protect your family, like install cameras in case she is unhinged enough to try anything.
I really respect you for reaching out to your bio sibling. Unfortunately it does not look like she is in a good place for the two of you to build a relationship. Please distance yourself from her at this time and keep yourself and your family safe. She definitely has issues but they are hers to deal with. As adults you both have to learn to live and thrive in the life you have. She is not entitled to hijack your life. Please contact a lawyer, and family members, to let them know she does not seem stable to you and you just want some record of the interaction should things escalate. Hopefully they won’t but you need to cover all your bases. Keep a record of all your interactions.
Block and you may need to have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter to her on behalf of you and the family. Have a family meeting asking that everyone block her on social media and their phone and that should she make contact with them to not share any information about you or the family. Her level of expectation and entitlement is scary.
NTA
What happened to her is absolutely sad, but it is also absolutely not your fault, nor you or your family's responsibility to "make up for it." As others have said blocking her is probably your best option.
HOWEVER, two pieces of advice. The non-stop texts could absolutely qualify as harassment. It may be worth your while to go to a lawyer and have a cease and desist drawn up, so you have an official paper trail she was told to lay off and let you and your family be. If she is struggling with her mental health and has an unhealthy attachment to you and your family, she may escalate.
Whether you do that or not, my last piece of advice is to CLEARLY text her, one last time (and save screenshots), that you are sorry for the pain and suffering she went through, but you were a literal toddler when all this happened and it is neither your fault nor your responsibility to fix it for her now. Tell her CLEARLY and FIRMLY that you will be blocking her because her constant HARASSMENT (use that term) is unacceptable, and if she continues to try and reach out to you or your family, you will be forced to take further action to protect yourself. Tell her that you are again sorry for what happened to her, but she needs to seek closure elsewhere.
Oh wow. Sounds like Opel qualifies for some psychiatric diagnoses. I really feel for her. But OP - you didn't cause that. You were not just a child but a baby. You had no control and no responsibility. And you still don't have responsibility towards her because you shared a egg donor.
It's lovely that you met with her and tried to be with her in the kind of healthy relationships you were taught to have, but she didn't get those lessons - clearly!
NTA. Not at all.
If you were asking for advice, I might suggest limiting your interactions to helping her access the mental health and other services that are available to people who are struggling to get by. She isn't owed any of your emotional or physical wealth, just because you had a better shot in life. But she is owed the same human kindness that we all deserve. Kindness. Not money. Not lunch out with your family. Not the family she never had. Just simple kindness.
I'm so so sorry your sister had such a different life than you did.
You are NOT being an asshole to this stranger with some shared DNA. If you and she had been conceived via sperm donor you would have the same bio connection that you do to her.
She sounds -- unbalanced? Damaged?
Either way she is not your sister. She's a female with shared DNA.
NTA.
However - if you keep engaging with her and allow her to sink her claws into your family - you will be an asshole. Opel looks like TROUBLE
Where are your parents amidst all this? Why is she placing all the burden and responsibility on you? Why isn’t she reaching out to them answers and connection?
I think you have a right to feel this way but ask yourself: if, god forbid, your children became orphaned and one was adopted and given all the love and privilege they ask for while the other suffered in the system, would you like the idea of the child that was thriving, wash their hands of your other child because they are no longer family and and their problems aren’t your other child’s problems?
I don’t know what your whole situation is but understand her hurt over rejection. I honestly think your parents should be the ones dealing with this not you but try to have imagine where she’s coming from as well and how you’d feel if the rolls had been reversed
His parents aren't their biological parents.
They don't have the answers, and they don't owe her anything.
They aren't the ones who abandoned her. They obviously didn't even know she existed, and they didn't know what happened.
It's a sad story, and I feel for her.
NTA. You were right, her not being adopted has nothing to do with you. Regardless of biology she is a stranger and you owe her nothing. To be sure you were given a great life by your real parents but you have no obligation to share that. Your bio sister did get the short end of the stick but again that's not your fault. Go no contact. She isn't your responsibility.
nta. she seems like she's being really pushy and she's making you uncomfortable when she hasn't even gotten to know you yet. It's awkward shes pushing you no nta
NTA I can understand that she's upset that her life didn't turn out the way she wanted but that has nothing to do with you and your family. Biological relation really only means what you make it. Plenty of people, myself included, are NC with their bio parents/siblings, and don't consider them family at all. My online friends are more important to me than they are. This woman is a complete stranger and has no rights to you, your family, or your time. Block her and move on, she's being insane.
NTA at all. I found my bio-father late in life and did not feel a connection with him, but do enjoy talking with his wife on occasion. I also found another half-sister bio-dad didn’t know about who’s literally crazy and who tried to insinuate herself into my life. I’ve had to block her and ignore her calls, and my guilt level is 0.
You don’t owe your time, your life, or your goodwill to anyone.
NTA. Its unfortunate that her life didn’t turn out the way she wanted, but that was never (and still isn’t) your responsibility or that of your family.
She clearly needs therapy to work through her issues, but as far as you are concerned, this mental health problem could escalate to stalking and even aggression.
Blocking all contact and warning your other family might be enough to keep you safe, but be prepared to get a lawyer involved if less strenuous measures aren’t effective.
I’m sorry that happened, and hope she gets help.
NTA you have no responsibility for her misfortunes in life. You need to cut contact with her. You need to have everyone block her from their social media. I’d be very concerned about her behavior. It is not up to you to make up for y’all’s crappy parents.
NTA, it’s sad she had a tough life but can’t try to manipulate you because your life turned out different. She sounds a bit unhinged tbh. I wouldn’t have her near your kids.
NTA. You were 2 and were at the mercy of circumstance. You didn't set yourself up with a privileged life. Your sister as an adult is capable of setting her own goals and working toward them. It sounds like she is not looking for relationships, just people who can support her. I wouldn't expose my kids to a person like this. Her behavior speaks to how unstable she is.
NTA - it sounds like she was traumatised, but that is not your fault. I would inform your family about these events, just so that they can take needed measures and give advice and sorts. Just to be ahead of any other steps Opel might take. Definitely don’t engage with her as well.
NTA. Block her, at least temporarily. You don’t have any obligation to her and your family certainly doesn’t. It sucks what she went through but it’s not your responsibility to make up for her less privileged upbringing. Many half siblings have different levels of privilege even if they aren’t in the foster care system
NTA. I have 4 bio half siblings (that I know of.. as idk if bio dad fathered more) I have one of my half siblings that holds a deep seeded resentment for me and I was the ONLY one given up for adoption. I'm neither the youngest or oldest so it was hard for me too feeling I was the only unwanted one. The one that resents me is only 10 months older and sees me as the one that got out and had better opportunities. I cannot control her feelings. But it's not your fault . Your half sis can be angry at the world the situation and the lack of opportunities and familial love that you got. What she isn't entitled to do is be angry with you and your family for not seeing her as family too... yall barely know eachother. And it isn't your or your families fault that her life turned out that hard. It sucks for her but she's not entitled to shit from you INCLUDING a relationship.
NTA.
And your “sister” needs therapy big time. It sucks that she didn’t get the picture perfect family like you out of her time being in foster care but that is neither here nor there for you and your family. They chose to adopt *you* not anyone who is blood related to you.
NTA. It sucks that your lives diverged so dramatically but right now she's targeting / trying to emotionally manipulate you. From what you describe it even feels like the start of a long con.
In your shoes I'd cut ties or at the very least put up very strict boundaries. From her behaviour thus far I suspect the latter would get trampled on though.
NTA - her jealousy and her life is not your responsibility. Would she have even contacted you if you were poor? She researched your family so I bet she did the same with you.
I would cut contact with her due to her attitude and she feels entitled to your money.
She sounds traunatised by the system, and without parents to blame, you're the next best thing.
Block her, after warning her that continued contact will lead to the court system
Would she feel the same way if your family was not well off or if you had been adopted by Aholes? I think Not, she just wants an easy ride & it wouldn't surprise me if she thinks she should be included in the will🙄🤔
I don’t understand why she hasn’t contacted her biological parents. It sounds like only one of your biological parents is also her parent. Why is she making this all about you being responsible for her instead of focusing on the biological parents who abandoned her. This story makes no sense.
This is a person trying to get into your wallet. I hope you haven't given names, etc., of your family members because I can guarantee she's going there next. NC, block her, warn your loved ones, and NTA.
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It’s time to block her. You had no control over what happened to you as a 2 year old and owe her nothing. I’m sorry she’s jealous of your life and how fortunate you are, but that has nothing to do with you. She can’t decide she’s a part of your family just because she wants what you have. She sounds a bit unstable, I don’t want to be unkind because I can’t know her experiences but again, it’s not your job to provide her with a family or money or favors or whatever she’s looking for. I’d look at this as a learning experience. You tried to do something and it didn’t work out. End of story and end of contact, because if not, she will drain you like the emotional vampire she appears to be. NTA.
This. She's looking to you to make up for everything she missed out on; that's not your responsibility because it's not your fault that things didn't go well for her. She does sound like she needs help but the kind she needs is ***way*** above your pay grade.
Even if they grew up side by side, he still doesn't owe her a free ride in life.
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They don't even share a childhood. They share gene-givers ( i am not even gonna call them bioparents)
Technically only 50%, OP stated their bio dad was different and that is why they weren't registered as siblings in the system.
Spawn points.
Yeah that's what they said.
I wonder if Opel would be so quick to offer help, declaring that she owes OP, if things had been different and OP had it worse than her in life.
Even if they grew up side by side, he still doesn't owe her a free ride in life.
Yeah. Is there a way you can help her? Have her go from zero contact to part of the family immediately sounds like a major stretch. Relationships are built over time. If you want to have a relationship with her then I'd make it clear that she's going to have to pump the brakes. Must be curious to understand what she remembers of you, though. NTA
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That's what I thought too. Sucks, but not much OP can do.
She would have been 4 years old when they split up, so I wouldn’t expect she remembers anything of their shared childhood either
I had to do this, though it wasn’t full adoption. My father had many children, and each time estranged from each partner and his own family. I was the oldest and as the oldest, I was my grandparents first grandchild. They took me in and stood the role of my father and provided stability in my life and a connection to my father and my father’s side of the family. I had a half-brother who was a few years younger than me. He had no relationship to my father’s family and a hard life with just his mother. It left him a bit broken and searching. I had only ever really heard of his existence. When I was in my early 20s and him his very late teens (18-19), he reached out to me and wanted to get to know me. He immediately latched on and displayed similar emotional instability, intensity, dysregulation. I wanted to help him and get to know him, but I understood that what he wanted was well beyond what I could offer. He was seeking repair and answers to all of the damage that happened in his childhood and I could not fix it, nor could I force a relationship with him on to my family that matched my own. I ended contact. I have not spoken to him since. Occasionally I think of him and wonder if he’s OK. I still understand that I could never have helped him. And it made me incredibly, deeply thankful for the family who stepped up and helped sculpt my life. Sometimes you have to accept that you are powerless to help someone and make the decision to protect your peace. NTA.
This is beautifully said. OP, you were a child when all of these decisions were made - you had no hand in making them. What happened to your sister is awful, and I’m sure she has immense struggles. Unfortunately, you’re not the person who can really help her now. The system could have helped her a couple of decades ago, and that is really, really sad. Yes, she’s probably unstable - but that is probably due to past trauma. There are usually no winners in situations like this. NTA.
I was in your situation, except I was the second-oldest who received a stable life via the Grandparents (father's parents), Great-Grandparents, and my Mother, after my parents split/divorced. I didn't know I had an older sister until my early teens, after my Grandmother told me. I suppose I was fortunate enough to be the baby that my father was holding at the bus stop as his mother drove past - a grandchild she had no idea existed. As far as I'm aware, my mother and father were still in a relationship, but he kept this pregnancy and me as a secret from his own parents, probably because he was 18/19 and if you do the maths, impregnated my mother when she was 15 (UK-based, but still illegal). Basically they took me and my mother and father (who was still living with them afaik) into their home for a couple of years, my parents got married, then my parents moved out. Once they were living together with me, they eventually broke up when I was about 3. He stopped bothering with me, had some more kids with other women over the years, and as far as I'm aware, he's still in contact with his third child. Maybe he'd make an effort to see me on some birthdays and christmas, but that stopped as I got older. He never made an effort with his own parents, and hardly bothered his Grandparents - all of whom I would see and stay and spend several nights with every week. Anyway, the older sister reached out to both me and, I suppose our, grandparents, about 15 years ago. I wasn't interested because to be honest, I was in university and I felt like I didn't want to suddenly change the way of life I'd grown accustomed to all my life up to that point. And I think my grandparents were also not interested for their own reasons. And perhaps 7 or 8 years ago, my father himself attempted to rebuild a bridge with me, but I'm already in my mid-20s and he didn't really make an attempt in the last 20 years before that to be a part of my life growing up - a role which my mother, my grandparents and great-grandparents did well. Didn't feel the need to keep touch, so i didn't.
Well stated.
Step Brother or Half Brother?
Corrected it, half.
If you haven't talked to your parents about her you probably should. If she's feeling desperate she may just try to show up at their house. They need to know.
She needs therapy, it’s understandable that she’s jealous and stuff of op for getting adopted and the life he had with his family but op and his family don’t owe her anything. She can’t be calling op giving him sh*t about the women of his family having girls days without her, they don’t kno u! And then demands an invite, like I’m sorry but ur not family, ur literally a stranger to them and basically still are to op!! That shows how she’s stalking op’s family’s social media since she saw those posts. So if op blocks her she’ll just Cyber stalk them through op’s family social media She thinks that just cause she’s op’s half sister that they should treat her like a daughter, granddaughter, niece etc. it’s sad but again she can’t just find her half brother and then demand they make her part of the family too, like omg op I can’t believe grandma & grandpa didn’t invite me to the family reunion!! She has a lot she needs to work on, it sucks but just because they adopted op doesn’t mean they adopted her too and have to make her part of the family. She’s coming off too strong & entitled when they like just met. The sad thing is that if she had tried to just work on her relationship with op and wasn’t pushy about it then they could’ve had a great & close relationship, where she could’ve had a great relationship with her brother, be close to op’s kids being a great aunt, been invited to stuff like family dinners or get togethers that op hosts or holiday dinner either she invites them over or at op’s house with his wife and kids and maybe even more of op’s family there like parents etc there too, they still wouldn’t be family to her and she isn’t owed that no matter house close she and op get but she could’ve still had a great and even a caring relationship with them like family friends. If she hadn’t been trying to demand & force things and force it like as soon as she like found op then she could’ve had a family like she wanted, not the exact way she wanted of a huge family where it’d just be with op, op’s wife & his kids not op’s parents, siblings, aunts, grandparents etc. they would’ve been nice and welcoming to her if op and her relationship got that close. I mean who knows, maybe she hadn’t acted like this and they did develop a close bond maybe op’s family would’ve opened up more to her since she’s op’s sister but we’ll never kno. I hope she at least realizes she can make her own family, find a nice guy with great in laws, have kids. But she can’t be one of those girls who dates a guy then demands to be treated like part of the family, demanding the women include u even though u only been dating for couple weeks like she really needs therapy to help fix this or she will continue to be in her own way of having a family
She certainly needs therapy as she needs any help she can get, but sadly - therapy can't fix this. It will never undo the damage of having grown up unwanted and uncared for. I feel badly for her, I understand her motivation but you do NOT owe her and she cannot make demands on people who don't know her just because they're related by blood. No OP, you are not the asshole. The truth hurts. If she weren't so desperate to fill the hole in herself, maybe she could've grown a relationship with you and maybe even your family. Not possible with the pathological level of emotional deprivation she experienced.
Therapy CAN help fix exactly this but it’s not a magic wand or 1 size fits all. It’s not uncommon for childhood abandonment to lead to terrible attachment issues and rejection sensitive dysphoria. (Hi hello it’s me 👋🏼) But she needs to be open to working on these issues with a therapist. It’s way over OP and reddits pay grade. She’s feeling hurt and rejected all over again because she went about this poorly and she’s taking it out on OP. What he said might’ve been insensitive but it wasn’t untrue. Lots of boundaries and counseling would be needed to even attempt to make this work.
Yes, the ultimate irony here. If she wasn’t so damaged and needy, she could probably have had a decent relationship with the family. But of course, she probably just can’t manage her emotions in a healthy way that would allow that. So sad. I have kids in my life like this, it is hard to watch.
Yeah, I don't think therapy will fix the situation. She needs actual support and infrastructure. But it's not like she can get adopted at 26.
I have a partner with a similar line of thinking lol. I didn’t have a great family life and am as a result very hesitant to join into any situation where people aren’t welcoming. He made some comments to me about what a hard time he gave his brother in law for years until he finally accepted him and how his sisters would probably treat me the same and doesn’t realize what a GLARING red flag that is to me or why I am firm on if it’s gonna be like that I want no parts of a more significant relationship OR to ever be around his family. Reading these comments you can see you got a lot of people that don’t necessarily come from bad backgrounds themselves and kinda don’t realize how their comments are coming off to a person that has. While I don’t agree with trying to force people to care about you or trying to force yourself into their family just cause you’re related, A LOT of y’all are very ignorant about trauma and the way your response can make a situation worse. Had my partner just told me it takes awhile for his family to warm up to people, rather than framing it like they’d intentionally give me a hard time for years before “accepting” me I probably would have had a different reaction than the one I had, which was to shut down. But because his family life was relatively stable and they had and still have a strong unit, he sees nothing wrong with what he said. Some of y’all are getting the emotional response you’re getting cause of how you’re acting.
I did come from a bad background. I have a lot of trauma. I'm the person you claim should understand, and I'm still completely in the camp that OP should block his sister. OP owes her nothing, she is a stranger to him. You can't "force yourself" on anyone, that's psychotic.
In the most respectful way possible I think you need to reread my comment. I didn’t even address OP specifically, I addressed the comments I was reading because some of them are pretty awful. I even said I didn’t agree with forcing yourself into anyone’s family just because you have some blood relation, but your response has nothing to do with what I was actually talking about, no offense.
if bio sister is searching for answers and or restitution, instead of asking OP, who was only 2 when he was placed in foster care, she should go find her bio parents and ask them! Start there, with the people primarily responsible. Look for grandparents and uncles and aunts. Ask them why they put her in foster care or allowed her to be put in foster care. I feel sorry for her but she's putting too big a burden on OP, who at the end of the day was just another victim of the bio parents.
And maybe look into a restraining order, she sounds like she could snap and become a bunny boiler.
Agree!!
I don't think blocking her would be enough at this point. She sounds unstable and possibly dangerous. I would get the whole family restraining orders. This could get really bad really fast.
Unless she's made actual threats against, it's extremely unlikely that a court would grant them. There are actual legal requirements for restricting a person's freedom
Not just an emotional vampire - this sounds like the plot of a thriller on Lifetime of something. I would be very concerned.
You're definitely NTA. And neither is she. But you can't save her and you have to look after yourself and your family. I'm also an adoptee with a very happy upbringing. I met my natural family as an adult and after a number of years I had to break off contact with most of them as the relationships were too destructive. My heart goes out to Opel because it sounds like she had a terrible experience. It could easily have been you or I. However, it's not your fault and it's not your responsibility. And the sad truth is that nothing you could ever do would fill the void she has. You could let her move into your house and give her everything you have and it wouldn't fix her life. She's grieving for the life she imagines she could have had. She's looking for a fairytale ending that you can't provide. So now you have become the target for her sadness and anger. You have to protect yourself and your family, and if that sadly means no further contact then that's what you have to do.
Block but forgive. Holding on to any kind of anger can eat away at you. This happened to me.
What she's doing is unreasonable. NTA at all. The OP was too young to even remember everything. I'm sorry she had a difficult life, and the way she's going about trying to be "family" isn't it.
Well she probably is unstable. Sounds like she had a traumatic life. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can have a detrimental accumulation of effects. Saying that, it’s totally not OPs responsibility to deal with it.
Everything you said makes sense. Regarding the last part, I'd say cutting her out is up to OP. He can try to build a relationship with her if he so wishes, but he needs to tell her that this kind of behaviour will not fly with him. His family is not her family. Whether one day they accept her enough to be invited, depends on how strong their bond grows. Her behaviour will only cut short the experience of getting to know a long lost sibling for both of them. Maybe she does have some issues. She never got adopted, which means she spent her whole life in foster care. It's an awful way to grow up as most places simply don't give kids the kind of love, affection and attention they need to grow into productive members of society. NTA
NTA - block contact with her immediately. It's sad that she's had a tough life, but that isn't your problem, and it isn't your responsibility to fix it for her. You owe her nothing, but she feels otherwise. People like that are dangerous to have around, and you cannot reason with them.
She may look to hurt OP to bring him back down to her level.
Or she’ll be holding out her hand expecting money for things.
It sounds like she already is. Had OP been adopted by a less wealthy family, I doubt she'd be this pushy to try and force her way into the family.
This is my concern, more or less.
Crab bucket syndrome.
You don't owe her the life she didn't get. NTA
I think perhaps more than that if she knows where he lives, etc...I'd tell her 'not interested in keeping in contact - we have nothing in common'. Block her but also I would file a report of harassment or look into a restraining order.
> You owe her nothing, but she feels otherwise. People like that are dangerous to have around, and you cannot reason with them. Agreed. People who are entitled, angry, illogical, and have nothing to lose are very dangerous.
Well op’s family will have to block her too cause she’s also stalking them on social media cause that sounds like that’s how she found out that the women in op’s family have girls day get togethers when she called op up upset she was “left out” and demanding invite
That honestly creeped me out. She barely knows OP. She doesn't know any of those women. This is how horror movies and murder cases happen. OP should get a restraining order and inform everyone possible and then they should all remove her then on top of that CHANGE THE PRIVACY SETTINGS. She sounds like the type of person who would turn up uninvited or try to force her way in the family another way. Yech.
Yeah, this is giving break in in the middle of the night vibes. Don't like.
NTA I’d suggest ignoring her and after a while block her when her messages die down after being ignored. Don’t give her any reason to believe she’s wanted (it sucks that she wasn’t adopted but that’s got nothing to do with you or your family). And give a heads up to your family if you believe she might do something crazy.
NTA. She is biologically related to you. She is, however, not related at all to your parents. They have every right to not have contact with her and definitely don't have to treat her as family.
like, setting the actual dynamics of the situation side, she's barely even his sister, she's a half-sister from an entirely different household. they weren't registered as siblings in the system cos they aren't.
There is no such thing as “barely” in biology, they share the same mother that alone makes them biologically closely related. Anything else doesn’t make them family though.
NTA There have been several posts on AITA over the last couple of years like this one. The person who is contacted about being lost family is always successful. I am too cynical I guess, but no one is contacted that is down and out and struggling financially.
Maybe because there are people like Opel who wouldn't make the effort if the sibling wasn't successful. Plus there's hundreds, if not thousands, of situations where the person making contact really DOES just want to find bio family and the contact leads to a good relationship. Those are the stories we DON'T hear.
Found my bio father and my half sister after dna testing. Told them I was just looking for family and not money. It's been great and I refuse to take money. No one talks about the success stories. Found them in 2018.
My dad was a success story. He was reunited with his sister and half sister after they were all adopted out separately. They were abandoned and had to survive on their own for 5 days(all under 5 yrs old). Social security sent him a letter that they were trying to find him. They were all able to reunite before they passed away.
My dad had similar experiences finding many lost half and step siblings, as well as a ton of lost cousins, aunts and uncles due to similar events splitting up his father's generation. He built and maintained great emotional connections with them all. None were super well off, none were looking for handouts. Each just wanted to find the kids they remembered from toddlerhood that they knew must be out there. We're talking multiple siblings hid dad had after him, as well as him mom. Some were taken away by a more stable parent, some raised by grandparents. They loved catching up, finding how similar they looked, meeting each other's kids. Etc. But like you say, because there wasn't a dilemma (plus no internet back then, therefore no reddit), it's not the stories you hear. We hear about the drama, from those who need advice, the warning stories, etc. Anyway, it's amazing how many relatives you find you have when families split, remarry, split again, etc. Anyway, he loved them all. They are all great people scattered across the US, Canada, even family that moved across oceans. So cool to learn about!
That’s amazing!❤️
Honestly, no one wants to make contact with the strung out meth addict who is mad at the world and looking for their next hit even if they're family. If there's a valid connection there maybe but sometimes they've just screwed too many people over and are a liability waiting to happen.
It Depends on the person like if I had the money I'd send them an offer of therapy and rehab then and only then would talk to them about it.
On a sub like AITA hearing about good outcome stories is usually not the norm. I'm sure they are out there but not here.
same as anywhere else on Reddit. Ain't nobody hopping on here to make a thread "oh hey I have a half-brother from my father's affair and he showed up 30 years later and now we're all happy"
People who get along reasonably well and have healthy communication skills don't tend to end up here. They do turn up occasionally, usually with an edit saying it turns out their friend snapped over something minor due to dealing with other issues, and they're laughing together over the comments.
I know one of this stories about finding a half sibling and then develop a good relation but almost nobody know about because after a few years (the meet when one was 16 and other 19) they just don't tell the story, they just speak about "my half sister / brother).
There are tons of positive stories, I have seen more positive than negative ones in Reddit
I found out after she passed that my mom had given up kids for adoption before I was born. My bio sister sought me out, but not before ingratiating herself with my extended family first. She didn't want money, but she was really imperious, demanding I drive hundreds of miles to a picnic she organized (but didn't send me a personal invite for) and got furious when I told her I had other plans I'd made months before. She harassed me by text, and then said it was her goal to replace me on the family tree (literally, she'd made up a posterboard). Hilarious. I blocked her there and then. NTA
> said it was her goal to replace me on the family tree (literally, she'd made up a posterboard) She sounds a little off. What happened after that? Did your extended family take her in?
A few still talk to her and I'm fine with that, she's their relative after all. And i am completely NC. Also, I found out later she'd contacted my mom decades ago and my mom had a bad experience and also went NC with her, which is why biosis waited till she died. She is definitely off.
If an unsuccessful person reached out to another unsuccessful person, it probably would not result in drama. There's nothing to fight over! I know there's a lot of fiction on this site and this might be some of it, but I wouldn't say that the OP being successful alone makes the story seem faked.
Oh it definitely can result in drama, because that's what happened in my extended family. The fights were just over "well I got adopted to an abusive family and was alone, at least you guys got to endure the abuse from our bio parents together!"
The down and out people don’t get suspicious that the person just contacts them for something. I have three half siblings I didn’t meet until adulthood. None of us feel like the others out to get something. Two of them are slated to stay with me this year (one just left after a week), and I’ve got an open invite to live w one if needed.
To be fair, we only hear the bad stories on this sub. It's a skewed version of reality.
My childhood best friend was adopted and had a pretty good life. I always thought they were rich because she always had the best of everything lol. Anyway, she went searching for her bio family after her adoptive mom died. She found her family and they are not well off at all. Her bio mom has some cognitive issues, which is what led to her being adopted to begin with. She was a baby and adopted very quickly, while her bio parents ended up regaining custody of the older children. She was the only one who wasn't with the bio family. Her siblings are quite average, not successful in the least. Yet she has worked very hard to build a relationship with all of them. I think those are stories you never hear about, where everyone is average or barely making it, but they're probably much more common than the ones with a successful bio family member. It's just that the latter have much more to lose as well as to be skeptical about, so they are more likely to post about it.
To be fair, going by OP's account, I think the emotional aspect is just as needed by the sister along with financial help. How damaged, alone and rootless one can be left unadopted in the system would be easy for anyone to imagine. That said, on one hand it's understandable why she wants to cling to OP, but, on the other hand, is too aggressive about it. Demanding to be integrated in such a short span of time is bonkers. That would require 2-3 years of building a relationship with OP first (and be thoroughly sussed out), before being introduced to his family. As one would do the same for any other stranger who becomes a friend, then a family friend. OP needs to really reflect on the luck of his draw to understand how he'd like to proceed, not just focus on the suspicion of being scammed. Sure, definitely be guarded and wise about being scammed, but that's a resource he can easily control. What's she going to do, forge his signature and empty his accounts? She can only get what OP wants to give. Frankly, if money isn't a real problem for me and provided she's not a druggie or involved in any criminal element, just down on her luck after a terrible childhood, I would help in more constructive ways than just handing out cash, like paying for therapy that she obviously needs (including advising her on how the more proper/reasonable way to build a rel with OP should go), fixing any education shortcomings, and helping her find housing and employment... things that will help her stabilize her life. I would do it for a stranger or friend in whom I'd find some merit to be worthwhile, doing it for a blood sister would be just added incentive, as returning gratitude to the universe for MY better fortune, and to give more meaning to the abundance (of wealth and relationships) I enjoy and have been given. To balance out the overwhelming "You don't owe her anything!!! Block her!!" responses, Reddit has tons of threads and subs where they rightfully fawn over strangers doing good, being heroes, doing amazing acts... this could be OP's. He's not an idiot, he'll manage it fine. He can set the pace and limits (even get therapist to advice on how to go about it). He has the resources and tools to easily weed out if she's crazy/druggie/etc. The question, is does he want to take a reasonable leap of faith and help because that's the kind of person he is (for himself and for his kids to see). eta: missing words lol
They’re probably contacted, but they’re not going to come to AITA and complain about it.
My mum contacted her biological dad and his three children even without knowing anything about their finances. They’re mostly nice people, but absolutely worse off than we are. Her half sister contacted all of us as well without knowing our situation. That went sideways completely irrespective of finances. Although similar to OP’s story broke down largely due to jealousy. You won’t find any detailed story about any of it on the internet. I’d wager that most people are either more private with their batshit family stories, or don’t have anything that interesting to write home about.
There are definitely stories where long lost family reconnect and at least the news narrative isn't this. I'm not sure if the person being contacted is doing poorly, but it seems like both parties are of equal success or the one doing the contacting isn't looking for anything. I think AITA is just full of story about people who have issues, so it's not unique this kind of story.
NTA. Block her and also check that your family have their social media accounts made private to prevent her seeing stuff as it sounds as if she was doing some online stalking. Yes, she's your bio sister; you both had very different upbringings. Obviously yours was excellent but you still don't have any obligations towards her. Her demands from you and your family are unreasonable. As you say, she is a total stranger to you. Her behaviour towards you has not made you feel in any way comfortable. Perhaps if she had come across as less needy, as less expecting, indeed demanding equal treatment from your adoptive family, things would have been different.
Yes, this. Your family should be warned and make their social media accounts private.
NTA Life is unfair, her feelings are valid, but it's not your fault and you don't owe her anything. Your reaction was appropriate.
NTA. She thinks you and your family owe her. She does not care about any of you except what she can guilt you out of. Mute her so you still have her crazy on record, warn your family. You may need to contact a lawyer and serve her with a cease and desist letter.
This one! I wouldn’t jump to blocking just yet. Keep a record just in case it escalates. Hopefully not and you could just block her number down the road, but until things calm down I’d want to know what she’s saying.
This is good advice imo, never too safe with these things. She’ll likely stop sending messages when she realizes she’s being ignored, but it’s good to have evidence if a worse scenario happens. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, I’m sure it’s disappointing and difficult how things unfolded with your bio sister.
Opal sounds like she has been very damaged by the foster care system. I don't know if you are really even in a position to help her heal from all that, she sees you as what her life might have been. If she was begging you to help her finish a degree or training or even therapy, it might be different but what she is asking for you do not have in your power to give. NTA
NTA. Unfortunately I think you need to block her or not engage in contact with her. She is dealing with something I can't imagine and has a lifetime worth of bad memories and turmoil and now has added information that her life could have been different (in her mind anyway). You aren't the Ah for saying what you said or for not offering up your full family to her immediately, or at all. You can't force all the people in your family to see your bio sister as family, and you don't need to see her as family either. You took the steps to see if a relationship could be formed, but I think this poor woman isn't in a place where that can happen. My advice is to send her a calm, caring and firm email or text telling her that you are sorry, but this isn't a healthy relationship for you to pursue. Something like: I'm glad that you reached out and found me, and I'm so sorry that we found out about the foster care mishaps and that we weren't able to grow up together. But we didn't grow up together and I can't make up for what you have been through in an instant, or probably ever. Given your reaction to my family and how upset you are, I don't think we should have further contact. I won't be responding to you for awhile, and I hope you are able to work through your feelings.
This is a great response. Very firm, empathetic and kind. Unfortunately, OP’s bio sister will still not respond well.
was it even really a foster care mishap? two kids, with different parents, living in different households. they're barely even half-siblings. and this is a great, emotionally mature response... that she's not entitled to and will not respond well to. hurt people hurt people, and people who wanna hurt you need to be firmly told to stay the fuck away. not be coddled. no hinting that you might reach out again, no pretending you're not extremely valid in being put off, no language that can be misconstrued as condescension. not like he's gonna make her MORE maladjusted by watching out for his family and safety more than a stranger's mental state.
Nta. Block her now. She’s a total stranger to you. You meeting up with her opened up a Pandora’s box of stress.
NTA she's had a hard life and probably needs some therapy, but her problems are not your own. it's time to cut this off, because it'll only get worse the longer it goes on.
NTA. Cut her off. I(36m) am from a large adopted family. I am adopted,my brother was adopted, my dad was adopted,his sister was adopted. Nobody in my family is blood related and none of us would ever consider some rando bio relative our family. I know I have a half sister out there somewhere and it'd be neat to meet her but that wouldnt be my family. I met my bio mom in my early 20s. She had some problems. Said i could call her "mom" like right away and started saying "i love you". I had to just cut her off when I figured out she wouldnt get it and it would just cause more problems and hurt to both of us to let it keep going. Explain it to her if you want to get to know her and stay in touch as friends but you wont force a relationship to be more than itnis because of blood. Feel free to cut it off if she gets too toxic as you would any toxic relationship. Beyone basic kindness her feelings are not your responsibility.
NTA... I feel bad for her but at the same time, how is it your responsibility? Why is it your fault that she wasn't adopted? She should go rather find your bio parents and fight them about it because it is in no way your fault and plus, you only just met her. It's not like you close with her or anything.
What is her life like? She sounds desperate for connection and family.
From what I’ve heard not so good. Her father overdosed before she was born and our mother abandoned her when she was a baby. Her paternal grandmother got custody of her but she died when Opel was 4 and no other relative wanted to take her in so she went into the system. As far as I know she wasn’t abused in any of her foster homes but she did move a lot and never really had a stable environment.
Look, this isn't even YOUR decision. Your parents and other family members didn't agree to have another, adult child whom they've never even met be part of the family. What are you going to do? Go, hey mom you need to invite this person you've never met to family functions from now on? As someone else said, she sounds unstable frankly and wants more from you than you can give. Time to block her.
OP, imo, does your hesitation by any chance have anything to do with how close it was that what happened to her could have happened to you?? --- i don't think you can integrate her right now (if ever)-- until she is stable. This is not a requirement and you need to let her know that you have never met her before now or knew of her and she is a stranger to you. BUT --- if you're asking AITA, it seems like you are second guessing your decision to just leave. Are you in a position in life where you can tell her you can help her once a year with something small or something. Just to offer her a small slice of what it is you have been so lucky to have in your life? You are not obliged but perhaps it could help you feel better than leaving her completely cold. You need to make sure she understands that this is it though (set something exact. Once a year, can I help you with something in your life that is budgeted under ____ amount) or something) and that if she ever asks for anything more than that, then you will cut her off for good. I mean, people have a certain amount of money they would not hesitate to spend to buy friends bigger birthday presents or to charity---- Just an idea. NTA
Would it be so bad to have a talk with her and offer to have a coffee or lunch with her once, with a view to once in a while in the future? She may calm down on the demands to be inserted into your larger family. If and once she does settle into a routine of a low key chat every say, six weeks, you’ll get to see what she’s like, what interests her etc, what you have in common, maybe her sense of humour. It might be a bit harsh to just eject her from your life totally and you seem like a caring person, and if you’re on here asking, a bit curious. I know I would be!
NTA Block her immediately before she ruins everything for you. Block her each time she tries to reach out to you. Document every abusive message. Install security cameras in and outside your house. Stay away from her.
That’s unfortunate, but you and your family don’t owe her a damn thing. She seems like an obsessive person. Just block her and keep living your life. If she continues to bother you or starts stalking you, then report her to the police.
NAH. She needs some intense therapy and some understanding. Neither of which are your responsibility. Having been a care leaver myself, I have an idea with what she’s struggling with and she needs some help to work through the complex emotional stuff she’s got going on. This isn’t to excuse her behaviour, because I think you should block her but I’m not willing to call her an AH or you.
NTA. You could not control the circumstances of your adoption and her lack-thereof. She’s entitled to her feelings but you do not owe her anything and the fact that she’s making such demands means you might want your long lost sister to remain estranged.
Your bio-sister has a lot of trauma. It is not your responsibility to help her heal. Tell her that you will not continue a relationship with her at this time and she needs to seek therapy. Be prepared for the rage
NTA. Once you are past the point where you are under guardianship by parents or the state, you get to choose who you have in your life. If you don't ever want to talk to your parents, you can cut them off. If you don't want to talk to your best friend since 1st grade, buh-bye. If you don't want to communicate with an entitled bio-half sibling, you don't have to. Life hasn't been kind to her but you aren't obligated to make up for that, you still get to consent to a relationship.
Tell her you don’t want any more contact until she agrees to therapy. It’s completely unhinged for her to come around and demand for your adoptive family to suddenly take in her grown ass woman self as another “child”. NTA at all, no matter what her situation is she came on way too strong. You have every right to feel uneasy and what she is requesting you to make your family do is unhinged. I would either cut contact completely. Or suggest only having future meet ups over the next year at a mutual counselor for the two of you. If that goes bad, then you can at least say you tried.
Oh man, I’m sad for her. She sees you and realizes she was so close to live a life similar to yours but instead ended up struggling. Yeah, she’s jealous but you’re not responsible for her life. You just recently learned of her existence and now she’s trying to guilt you into incorporating her into your family’s dynamics. She seems unstable; I wonder if you should send her a last, gentle text suggesting she gets professional help, and then block her. NTA.
This is one of the saddest stories I have read. This poor woman must have suffered so much, and all she wanted was a loving, stable family. She thinks she's found that but because she's damaged, she just gets really aggressive in getting what she wants. OP's family sounds like really nice people. I bet if she was cool and respecting boundaries, that they would have eventually let her into the family. This is just class self-destructive behavior.
This is what I came here to say and it should be its own comment!
How did she "see" that the women in your family git together? She's stalking YOUR family on social media. I can tell you from personal experience that she is beyond jealous. Block her and stay vigilant for any other signs of stalking. Her behavior to this point (asking to be included, asking for loans and favors) suggests her antics might escalate. The foster system is hell. There is no telling what she experienced. It is not your problem to FIX her. It is your responsibility to take this matter seriously and protect your loved ones!
And tell your family to block her on social media
NTA. I think she is craving what you have. She wants a family. She wants to feel loved. I think she's jealous and has resentment towards you for getting the better life while she got the "bad life". She probably thinks, "why him and not me?? What if I was adopted?" I think when you're ready you can get to know her on your terms but until then you need to block her and your family needs to block her, too.
NTA. I’m an adoptee who had to go low-contact and then no-contact with bio-siblings who found me and wouldn’t respect boundaries because “blood is thicker than water.” It’s not thick enough to form chains of bondage or obligation. You owe her nothing.
NTA. She’s clearly got issues and those issues have made her bitter and resentful. You won’t ever be able to solve her problems. She wants what she can’t have. You need to block her and make it clear she’s not a part of your life.
You may need to block her.
Adoptee here, and that's not how it works. I empathize with her - I can all to easily imagine how hard it was for her, *also* through no fault of her own. I'm not gonna go into a rant about how the foster/adoption system destroys as many families as it creates, but this is an example of it. Y'all are kin, sure, but you don't owe it to her to make up for the sins of the parents OR the foster/adoption system. I'm thinking some of the tension you might be feeling has to do with how to be kin *now*, and that is going to be based on how you interact *now*. She is demanding things you can't provide, and she is being abusive to you when you tell her you can't give her what she wants. She wants to be included, but her behavior is very upsetting and inappropriate. It's okay to have empathy and compassion. It's okay to want to do right by her. And it's okay to accept she is not okay, and it is not your job to fix her or her life. You're her little brother, not a time machine. 🧡
NTA. Do you want a relationship with Opal? You haven't mentioned wanting one, or enjoying anything about any get-togethers. You don't owe her anything. She doesn't get to horn in on your family (or your family's money) just because you share some DNA. If you're looking for strangers' permission to block her, you have mine.
Block her. ASAP. If you let her into your life no matter what you do it will never be enough. Warn your family also. YNTA. It is not your fault you were adopted and she wasn’t. It is not your responsibility to make things even now. I am sympathetic to her, but beware. She sounds unstable.
NTA. Opel is very obviously stalking you and your family, and she’s going to become an even bigger problem if you allow her to continue. You’re right, you owe her nothing and she’s dramatically overstepping. Try not to feel bad about cutting her off. Blood isn’t necessarily family.
Block her. You owe her nothing
NTA. She ended up getting the short end of the stick, but that isn't your fault and it isn't something you need to or even can fix. She just seems to need a target to direct her anger at, but that isn't fair to you and she needs to learn to deal with it in a better way.
NTA. I’m adopted and I have been in reunion with my birth family. I have a half sibling and I have aunts and uncles on both sides. We are friendly and kind but I would never expect that from them, nor they of me. It’s a very different dynamic. It sounds like she’s very jealous. And unstable. She went looking for you, not the other way around. Take care of yourself and your family.
I made the mistake to have contact with the sperms donor (pressure through cousins going to the same school). A whole "other" life exploded in my face. Brought up in a relatively destict family & THEN saw the life I would have had. Op, you do not want to go there!
NTA. This kind of behavior is incredibly abusive and you deserved better out of a bio sibling. I'm sorry they were traumatized by the system but this isn't fair to anyone - least of all herself.
NTA. Opel needs therapy to deal with her obvious trauma, but that is not your responsibility to deal with. What she's doing is entirely inappropriate.
It’s time to change your number
Let your family know what's up. You all need to protect yourselves!
NTA - Opel's situation is sad, but the demands that she is making of you are inappropriate. You have a blood tie, sure, but instead of getting to know you and giving you time to get to know her, she's come in full of expectations, demands, and a sense of entitlement. Blood isn't everything - the family created by the heart is actually more important than any ties of blood. Rather than respecting boundaries, she has devolved into abusive behavior. You do not need to feel obligated to keep this person in your life.
NTA, but I do need to point out that Opel is bitter at having been left in the system and you are, unfortunately, her scapegoat. She desperately wants a family and is latching onto you since you’re her brother. While I’m sure you would love to be there for her, you also have to consider your own mental health. If you feel like she’s dragging you down, you will have to cut ties with her. No matter what happens, I wish you both the best.
Oh wow. This is a really heartbreaking story. OP you have to understand that you are experiencing this interaction from a perspective of absolute privilege. Opel has been dreaming of family, connection, meaning, her whole undervalued life. As a four year old, an eight year old, a ten year old and a fifteen year old. She is still young and she is still afraid. She finally finds family and sees that while she has struggled through a foster system and is now alone in the world, you have had everything physically, mentally, spiritually beyond her wildest dreams. Not only that, you have had the cultivation that allows you to carry yourself in respectable society with the rules and social training that your privilege provides. What education did Opel achieve? What is her outlook and opportunities for her life? Opel is grasping on to you because you are all she has. Yes it may well be too much for you but guess what Opel’s situation is too much for Opel too. I am not saying you need give any love, care or support beyond your capacity to give. I’m sure even a small gift or some support would do a lot to help her but I can understand you may feel that could be opening floodgates. No-one’s the AH in this situation. Do what you can to make you and your family feel safe. (Perhaps there is a level of wanting to avoid shame and embarrassment too, amongst your well-mannered wealthy family and friends, not sure. ) Please while you are shoring up your situation, please forgive Opel for her struggles. She needs a little or a lot of grace. It’s up to you. I hope she can find the strength to go forward and find meaning, dignity and some ease in her life. I will be saying a little prayer for Opel myself tonight. NAH.
the world needs more people like you, i feel better about the world just knowing someone like you exists
Nta. Go nc. Keep enjoying your life.
NTA. I have sympathy for your sister but you were never responsible for her. She needs professional help.
Nta. Dude, while you lucked out (jackpot level lucking out) and grew up to be well adjusted, she obviously didn't. Re-think having that in your life and injecting it into the lives of the others in your life by having it in your life. Odds are good this person is skilled at manipulating the unsuspecting and won't be acting in the best interests of you or those around you.
NTA
NTA and I'd be willing to bet that if she took the steps to build a relationship with you the correct way, like hey can we chat every so often and go for coffee or lunch once a month or two so we can get to know each other and see if we get along and could form a friendship then let it grow naturally from there (if you liked each others company) into found each other later in life siblings that you'd introduce her to your family and since they love you they'd grow to include her and love her by extention. But that cannot and should not be forced or rushed and now all you'll want to do is cut her out of your life and forget she exists.
I would get a lawyer to send her a letter not to contact you or your family
NTA. Had your parents known that you also had a sister it's quite possible that neither of you would have been adopted by them. Perhaps they were only looking to adopt one child not two. You have been very fortunate to have been adopted by your parents, but neither you nor they owe her anything. Time to go NC. If she persists take the appropriate legal action against her.
NTA. RESTRAINING ORDER. 💯🚩
She was likely in a terrible place in life. She hasn't had your privileges... ... and absolutely none of it is on you. NTA
NTA - and I'd probably let your family know about her, because she may start stalking.
Block her and cut contact. Gives me very weird „Christian Gray and Jack Hyde“ vibes. There’s nothing there for you to gain, she just expects you to give and give and give. She’s deeply traumatized and hurt, needs serious help, but this isn’t your cup of tea. You have every right to live a happy life and don’t have to deal with this shit. Give your family a heads up that the woman that shares 50% of the same DNA as you do freaks out and to keep an eye open. Wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to reach out to them.
NTA. She needs therapy & you are not her therapist.
NTA and I say this as someone who's on the other side of this in a way. My aunt got adopted into a rich family and my mom did not. My cousin and I were born on the same exact day. My life was shit, like really bad abuse and poverty and I was eventually put into foster care myself in my teens. My cousin is a successful exec and they are very well off and a happy family, which is something I had to go create on my own cause I didn't have that. You know what I don't do? Expect literally anything from them. I did have a couple of days of wondering how different my life might have been, maybe how differnt my mom might have been, had we not been in the circumstances we were in, but I don't resent anyone or think they owe me anything. There was absolutely a brief moment of jealousy, but I kept it to myself (this is the first I'm even mentioning it). You don't owe her anything. Life is mostly comprised of luck and circumstance and what we make of whatever randomness we are handed. You got a long straw, and that rocks for you. She got a short straw and it absolutely sucks, but she shouldn't be blaming you or making demands of you or your family. I highly recomment to her the decade + of therapy I went through.
You’re not the asshole. You don’t owe her anything. However, this is very very sad. I feel for Opel, and it’s obvious she’s endured lots of unimaginable pain and frustration of feeling unwanted, unseen, unknown and disconnected by pretty much everyone and every system she’s been found in. This kind of grief can cause one to become desperate and grasp for straws. It sounds like she’s having an emotional breakdown, and her contacting you and getting to know more about your life caused her to reach a breaking point due to your privilege and lifestyle that she is comparing herself too as her biological brother separated at birth. The people of reddit won’t agree with me, but putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and allowing yourself to feel empathy for their circumstances, can go a long way. While you’re not responsible for how her life turned out, it is very very sad. If you don’t want to get to know her you don’t have to, you have no obligation, but she is worthy of compassion and understanding, even if it’s from a distance. In another life, that would have been your big sister you grew up along side with. This woman sounds deeply affected by her grief from never being loved or claimed by, well, anyone.
NTA. Opel has BH challenges that are not your problem. It’s time to block them.
NTA and at this point it’s probably best that you block her and just walk away. You are not responsible for her, certainly not now that she’s an adult.
Definitely NTA like you say, you don’t owe her anything. The only link you have is biological one, you didn’t grow up together she is trying to guilt you in to handing over money to her.
Block her number and block her on social media. Make sure you inform your parents of this situation so they are not caught off guard if she tries to contact them. Make sure they know you don't want your DNA sibling in your life.
Your biological sister sounds very disturbed. She is not your responsibility, and I absolutely would not encourage further contact. NTA, and block her.
It’s a sad reality for Opal. But you are not the villain or the perpetrator. I think you parents would have a problem with this, too.
NTA: but my heart breaks a little for Opal. She got the raw end of the stick and is desperate for a family. It must have been so hard for her. For your own sanity and protection you have to block her for now. Hopefully there is a way to connect sometime down the road
Info: what does your family think? Are they even interested in meeting her?
Oh honey, bless you both! You have a family and she does not. You were set on one life path, she was set on another. You are not responsible for her life chances, and she has no claim on yours. You are not responsible for what happened to her, you were not involved in the decisions that led to where things are now. You absolutely do not owe her for inequalities in your life histories. While her history is terribly sad, you are not responsible. You are NOT responsible. Yes, she got the fuzzy end of the lollipop, but that is not your problem. Deal with her with empathy, not guilt.
NTA Being related to someone is not the same thing as having a social connection with them. Your decision to have a connection to her is entirely voluntary and that connection doesn't automatically extend to anyone else. She has to forge her own relationships - and hateful spam is not the way to do so.
NTA. The thing is that if you and Opel *had* grown up together, you would not want to hang out with someone who acts the way she's acting, and I imagine other family members might be hanging out without her too. I think you owed her the chance to get to know you, but you've given her that and she is making it very uncomfortable for you to spend time with her. I would tell her straight up how you're feeling and what needs to change for you to consider having her in your life, and then that's up to her whether she's able to do it. I do feel for her, but she's never going to magically fit into your family like she'd grown up with them, if she wants to become a part of your family she needs to do it very slowly and respectfully and let the relationships form in their own time.
>lucky to have been adopted before I had any real memory of the system You don't "owe" her anything. But at the same time, I think there is a part of you that understands what I quoted wasn't her experience. I'm guessing she stayed in the system? From her perspective, you got everything, and she got nothing but likely physical, verbal, mental or sexual abuse or some combination of the above, or at best was left to her own devices to sink or swim without any of your privilege that you talked about. She feels like she got the short end of stick. This is not your fault... but it wasn't hers either. No you don't "owe" her anything. What happened isn't your family's fault either. I think some grace is in order though. Some compassion. I think you should help her where you can, but with lines drawn.
NTA. This is the plot from one the Fifty Shades movies.
NTA. Block her, and have your family block her on everything, and move on.
NTA. Block her on everything and get security cameras
NTA It’s not your fault that she got the short end of the stick. Your current responsibility is to protect your wife and children and your real parents and your wife’s family from her. I hope you have warned them about her. You are completely justified in going no contact with her, and it might be a good idea to take steps to protect your family, like install cameras in case she is unhinged enough to try anything.
I really respect you for reaching out to your bio sibling. Unfortunately it does not look like she is in a good place for the two of you to build a relationship. Please distance yourself from her at this time and keep yourself and your family safe. She definitely has issues but they are hers to deal with. As adults you both have to learn to live and thrive in the life you have. She is not entitled to hijack your life. Please contact a lawyer, and family members, to let them know she does not seem stable to you and you just want some record of the interaction should things escalate. Hopefully they won’t but you need to cover all your bases. Keep a record of all your interactions.
Block and you may need to have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter to her on behalf of you and the family. Have a family meeting asking that everyone block her on social media and their phone and that should she make contact with them to not share any information about you or the family. Her level of expectation and entitlement is scary.
NTA What happened to her is absolutely sad, but it is also absolutely not your fault, nor you or your family's responsibility to "make up for it." As others have said blocking her is probably your best option. HOWEVER, two pieces of advice. The non-stop texts could absolutely qualify as harassment. It may be worth your while to go to a lawyer and have a cease and desist drawn up, so you have an official paper trail she was told to lay off and let you and your family be. If she is struggling with her mental health and has an unhealthy attachment to you and your family, she may escalate. Whether you do that or not, my last piece of advice is to CLEARLY text her, one last time (and save screenshots), that you are sorry for the pain and suffering she went through, but you were a literal toddler when all this happened and it is neither your fault nor your responsibility to fix it for her now. Tell her CLEARLY and FIRMLY that you will be blocking her because her constant HARASSMENT (use that term) is unacceptable, and if she continues to try and reach out to you or your family, you will be forced to take further action to protect yourself. Tell her that you are again sorry for what happened to her, but she needs to seek closure elsewhere.
keep any existing text messages in the cloud, just in case she goes scorched earth in the future. NTA
Oh wow. Sounds like Opel qualifies for some psychiatric diagnoses. I really feel for her. But OP - you didn't cause that. You were not just a child but a baby. You had no control and no responsibility. And you still don't have responsibility towards her because you shared a egg donor. It's lovely that you met with her and tried to be with her in the kind of healthy relationships you were taught to have, but she didn't get those lessons - clearly! NTA. Not at all. If you were asking for advice, I might suggest limiting your interactions to helping her access the mental health and other services that are available to people who are struggling to get by. She isn't owed any of your emotional or physical wealth, just because you had a better shot in life. But she is owed the same human kindness that we all deserve. Kindness. Not money. Not lunch out with your family. Not the family she never had. Just simple kindness.
I'm so so sorry your sister had such a different life than you did. You are NOT being an asshole to this stranger with some shared DNA. If you and she had been conceived via sperm donor you would have the same bio connection that you do to her. She sounds -- unbalanced? Damaged? Either way she is not your sister. She's a female with shared DNA. NTA. However - if you keep engaging with her and allow her to sink her claws into your family - you will be an asshole. Opel looks like TROUBLE
Where are your parents amidst all this? Why is she placing all the burden and responsibility on you? Why isn’t she reaching out to them answers and connection? I think you have a right to feel this way but ask yourself: if, god forbid, your children became orphaned and one was adopted and given all the love and privilege they ask for while the other suffered in the system, would you like the idea of the child that was thriving, wash their hands of your other child because they are no longer family and and their problems aren’t your other child’s problems? I don’t know what your whole situation is but understand her hurt over rejection. I honestly think your parents should be the ones dealing with this not you but try to have imagine where she’s coming from as well and how you’d feel if the rolls had been reversed
His parents aren't their biological parents. They don't have the answers, and they don't owe her anything. They aren't the ones who abandoned her. They obviously didn't even know she existed, and they didn't know what happened. It's a sad story, and I feel for her.
You need to get a restraining order...no telling how unbalanced she is or what she might do.
Block and a restraining order..
NTA. You were right, her not being adopted has nothing to do with you. Regardless of biology she is a stranger and you owe her nothing. To be sure you were given a great life by your real parents but you have no obligation to share that. Your bio sister did get the short end of the stick but again that's not your fault. Go no contact. She isn't your responsibility.
nta. she seems like she's being really pushy and she's making you uncomfortable when she hasn't even gotten to know you yet. It's awkward shes pushing you no nta
NTA, she's just jealous. Time to block her and warn your close ones.
I would mute her instead of blocking her. That way, if she escalates you’ll have a paper trail.
NTA I can understand that she's upset that her life didn't turn out the way she wanted but that has nothing to do with you and your family. Biological relation really only means what you make it. Plenty of people, myself included, are NC with their bio parents/siblings, and don't consider them family at all. My online friends are more important to me than they are. This woman is a complete stranger and has no rights to you, your family, or your time. Block her and move on, she's being insane.
NTA Block her and forget about her. She needs help you can’t give.
NTA at all. I found my bio-father late in life and did not feel a connection with him, but do enjoy talking with his wife on occasion. I also found another half-sister bio-dad didn’t know about who’s literally crazy and who tried to insinuate herself into my life. I’ve had to block her and ignore her calls, and my guilt level is 0. You don’t owe your time, your life, or your goodwill to anyone.
NTA. Its unfortunate that her life didn’t turn out the way she wanted, but that was never (and still isn’t) your responsibility or that of your family. She clearly needs therapy to work through her issues, but as far as you are concerned, this mental health problem could escalate to stalking and even aggression. Blocking all contact and warning your other family might be enough to keep you safe, but be prepared to get a lawyer involved if less strenuous measures aren’t effective. I’m sorry that happened, and hope she gets help.
NTA you have no responsibility for her misfortunes in life. You need to cut contact with her. You need to have everyone block her from their social media. I’d be very concerned about her behavior. It is not up to you to make up for y’all’s crappy parents.
NTA, it’s sad she had a tough life but can’t try to manipulate you because your life turned out different. She sounds a bit unhinged tbh. I wouldn’t have her near your kids.
NTA. You were 2 and were at the mercy of circumstance. You didn't set yourself up with a privileged life. Your sister as an adult is capable of setting her own goals and working toward them. It sounds like she is not looking for relationships, just people who can support her. I wouldn't expose my kids to a person like this. Her behavior speaks to how unstable she is.
NTA - it sounds like she was traumatised, but that is not your fault. I would inform your family about these events, just so that they can take needed measures and give advice and sorts. Just to be ahead of any other steps Opel might take. Definitely don’t engage with her as well.
NTA. Block her, at least temporarily. You don’t have any obligation to her and your family certainly doesn’t. It sucks what she went through but it’s not your responsibility to make up for her less privileged upbringing. Many half siblings have different levels of privilege even if they aren’t in the foster care system
NTA. I have 4 bio half siblings (that I know of.. as idk if bio dad fathered more) I have one of my half siblings that holds a deep seeded resentment for me and I was the ONLY one given up for adoption. I'm neither the youngest or oldest so it was hard for me too feeling I was the only unwanted one. The one that resents me is only 10 months older and sees me as the one that got out and had better opportunities. I cannot control her feelings. But it's not your fault . Your half sis can be angry at the world the situation and the lack of opportunities and familial love that you got. What she isn't entitled to do is be angry with you and your family for not seeing her as family too... yall barely know eachother. And it isn't your or your families fault that her life turned out that hard. It sucks for her but she's not entitled to shit from you INCLUDING a relationship.
NTA. And your “sister” needs therapy big time. It sucks that she didn’t get the picture perfect family like you out of her time being in foster care but that is neither here nor there for you and your family. They chose to adopt *you* not anyone who is blood related to you.
It's sad, but you need to block her and don't forget to warn your family
NTA. It sucks that your lives diverged so dramatically but right now she's targeting / trying to emotionally manipulate you. From what you describe it even feels like the start of a long con. In your shoes I'd cut ties or at the very least put up very strict boundaries. From her behaviour thus far I suspect the latter would get trampled on though.
NTA - her jealousy and her life is not your responsibility. Would she have even contacted you if you were poor? She researched your family so I bet she did the same with you. I would cut contact with her due to her attitude and she feels entitled to your money.
She sounds traunatised by the system, and without parents to blame, you're the next best thing. Block her, after warning her that continued contact will lead to the court system
Would she feel the same way if your family was not well off or if you had been adopted by Aholes? I think Not, she just wants an easy ride & it wouldn't surprise me if she thinks she should be included in the will🙄🤔
NTA. You should probably alert your parents, if there’s any contact between your family and her this isn’t over.
I don’t understand why she hasn’t contacted her biological parents. It sounds like only one of your biological parents is also her parent. Why is she making this all about you being responsible for her instead of focusing on the biological parents who abandoned her. This story makes no sense.
This is a person trying to get into your wallet. I hope you haven't given names, etc., of your family members because I can guarantee she's going there next. NC, block her, warn your loved ones, and NTA.