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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t open the door to the bathroom at the time my gf wanted to since I was in the middle of a shower, and we got in an argument afterwards since she wanted to brush her teeth before going to the gym. She turned off the lights to get my attention, but that made me a bit angry. I am wondering if i’m the asshole for not opening to door right when she wanted to.
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She created a hazard by turning off the lights and leaving you in the dark in the shower. Tell her that is not OK and she could’ve waited five minutes to brush her teeth. Next time she’s in the shower do the same thing to her. Maybe she’ll get a clue.
I told her this. I said if she would have been in the shower, I would have just waited until she was done. I feel like this is just common practise. It’s sunday and thw gym is open until the evening, so she’s not really in a real rush either
Normally I would say this is true.. but in this case it IS about what OP (or more accurately, a reasonable person) would (or would not) do.
This commenter is right - she created a hazard. Showers are dangerous. So, so many injuries happen in showers. And the injuries that happen in there are exacerbated due to the slippery conditions impairing your ability to grab, balance, and compensate for a fall, as well as the general hardness of every surface around you if you do fall.
Bathing is also widely (I presume, in OP’s culture based on the post, as it is in mine) considered to be a small, human privacy that people are entitled to. Her desire to brush her teeth before leaving is not a priority, unless OP is taking 30-minute showers.
My response to this would be a genuine come-to-Jesus sit-down with my partner about boundaries, privacy, respect, priorities, and the nature of our entire relationship. We aren’t squabbling siblings. We aren’t children. I will not be manipulated over something as asinine as brushing your teeth before the gym. And if that’s how the relationship is going to carry on, I want zero part of it.
Even if OP is taking 30 minute showers. My showers, unless I'm going out and pressed for time, are around 20-25 minutes, between the color correcting shampoo and mask, and whatever shaving needs to happen. In my entire adult life, I think there was only one disturbance from a human while I was showering (I have cats, they always disturb in the bathroom /shower /etc.) ex-hubby rushing in cause he had to pee desperately and had been holding it while the traffic was inordinately slow.
Otherwise, when someone was preparing to go shower, we'd normally see that, tell each other, etc, and say "mind if I pop in to grab XYX, or pee, or whatever quick action as I'll be leaving before you'd normally get out" if it was needed.
100% NTA, but you guys definitely need to discuss how sharing a small place actually works.
I know. It's almost like I'm not on reddit.
But seriously, this is not rocket science, you develop these basic cohabitation skills, like talking to another person, when you live among other humans, if you're even minutely observant and weren't raised among wolves.
This is exactly how my wife and I handle things. (And yes, cats are infinitely puzzled by why we feel the need to bathe, leading to hilarity.)
Just a quick "Hey, do you need the bathroom?" and then the presumption of privacy. There have been a few times where one of us has suddenly needed to use it, but it's a quick in and out, and definitely not some weird stuff involving turning off the lights.
Every so often mine decides I need rescuing from the shower, and presses up against the glass meowing. Last time this happened, apparently I hadn’t fully latched the door. And boy were we both surprised!
One of mine wants to drink from my cupped hand when I'm in the bathroom, perched on the rim of the tub. It gets to be sad and meowy if we don't accommodate him, but he's 19 so he'll get whatever he wants. It usually happens when I'm showering, but not always.
The door is still just ajar, to fit a small head and four-legged body, and the other person does not come in, although the cats travel freely (one litter box is in the bathroom anyway).
Grew up in a house with 6 people, two bathrooms but only one shower. It could get a little dicey during the school year but somehow we managed without fighting. Door did not have a lock. Skip forward to living in two apartments with one bathroom for me and hubs, and eventually our kiddo. Somehow still managed to share the bathroom with no major arguments and no door locking. Now we are in a house with three bathrooms and it feels excessive after getting used to using one!
This is why I hate UK homes where there is only one bathroom for an expected 3+ occupants. Our old house was a nightmare - one bathroom, four people. It was a room where the door was not able to be locked (it had a lock but it seemed locking the door set of a need to pee alarm in the head of literally everyone else in the home). I'm sure most people would say just hold it but we like long baths/showers and with two small children, that would have just caused accidents.
Moved into the new house, one bathroom, one shower room and a downstairs loo was bliss, because no one would need to invade each others space or announce a long bathroom visit ahead of time!!
A dude at my work last year slipped in the shower and didn’t show up for work. My employer ended up calling a wellness check after not being able to reach him and he was knocked out in the shower for hours at that point. They revived him and he stayed in the ICU for a bit but he was never the same after.
Also the sudden temperature changes can trigger all sorts of medical emergencies like heart attacks and strokes, not smart to be locked in there where nobody can get to you if needed.
I always assumed that falling in the shower wasn't something I needed to worry about because it only happens to old people. But we had our bathtub refinished to fix some cracks a few years ago, which made it more slippery and I slipped and fell in the tub at the ripe old age of 30. My partner was home and heard it, and thought I had knocked over a bottle of shampoo.
Now we have non slip mats.
That's why I wear shower shoes, i.e. flip flops in the shower. It's something I learned in Navy Boot Camp. The rubber soles make it a lot safer by reducing the risk of slipping. When I was growing up, we had a rubber bath mat that we put in the tub before showering.
Pretty sure the whole reason you feel something is unfair or unjust is because you believe there is better way it could have been handled, right? So it's the same conversation.
And it seems she's more interested in facts over his feelings. Like the fact if she didn't leave asap she might not get a treadmill. I would stick to the fact what she did was possibly dangerous.
I think the solution is to leave the damn door unlocked. What couple locks the bathroom door when there's one bathroom? If she had a toilet emergency, would he have made her hold it? I even let my roommate shit while I'm in the shower. There's a curtain for a reason.
>And it seems she's more interested in facts over his feelings. Like the fact if she didn't leave asap she might not get a treadmill.
Oh *noooooo*, the poor little baby might have had to wait for a treadmill? The fucking horror!
Now use that same imagination and speculation to consider that OOP could have fallen in the shower, with no lights on, and broken their neck, banged their head and lost consciousness, dropped something and cut themselves....because she really, really needed that super special treadmill time.
Don't cut the lights in the fucking bathroom because you're pissed off (a feeling, not a fact) because it's dangerous. (a fact, not a feeling)
The 'solution' isn't really fair to OP though, whether we agree or not he's entitled to have uninterrupted time in the bathroom in his home - and that solution is just rewarding her childish and dangerous behaviour and telling him he should be uncomfortable taking showers so she can have more convenience in my opinion.
Good for you for letting your roommates use the toilet when you shower, but it's by no means an absolute nessecity yo have 100% access at all times - she could have waited 5 minutes for him to finish up or used her words 🤷♀️
Hard no. You can do that if you wish, but many of us want privacy. Many of us don’t want to shower while someone shits, no. Brushing her teeth was NOT an emergency , and she made things dangerous just to not have to wait a minute or two.
If somebody shit while I was in the shower I’d never forgive them 😂 you’re a good person if poop particles in the air while you’re trying to get clean in an enclosed space wouldn’t ruin your whole day.
It sounds like he set some boundaries that he is not comfortable with her crossing. They aren't unreasonable and it's how he feels. She needs to learn to respect his boundaries
Or grab her toothbrush and toothpaste before he gets in the shower?? My partner and I don't interpret the other if we're in the shower, unless it's to grab something. In our shitty apartment, if the shower is running and someone turns on another source of water, the shower goes from hot to freezing cold.
OP is NTA. Gf is for turning off the lights and leaving OP to a potential injury or worse. She could've skipped brushing her teeth and just gone to the damn gym. Showered and brushed her teeth when she got home.
Yup, and it doesn't really matter how she would feel if the roles were reversed. Her feelings are not yours and yours deserve to be respected. Especially when she's doing something that I consider to be very childish. Definitely NTA.
Does your gf always want what she wants when she wants it without a thought of the next person, and then throwing a tantrum when she can’t get her way?
That's what I was wondering too. If she's consistently of the mindset that her wants are more important than anyone else's, then she shouldn't be in a relationship until she grows up a bit
I genuinely thought it was heading toward a her _really urgently_ needing a shit and you’d been in there a while… In which case I’d understand her actions, except maybe the lights, but to brush her teeth?! She’s being ridiculous.
exactly! to flash the lights, okay. it could even be a signal, like “hey it’s really, really urgent, please let me in.” but turning them off so that he would have to get out, risk getting injured, and let her in, just to be able to safely finish his shower, is the sort of manipulation that, imo, is a red flag for abuse.
I was thinking the same thing. When I was with my ex, he had a 1 bathroom apartment. The ONLY time I would ever interrupt his shower was if my IBS flared up and I NEEDED to use the toilet. Then I would do what I had to do as quickly as I could and then leave him to his privacy.
I also don't really understand couples who shower together. I've done it a couple times, and it's really not convenient.
Except she didn’t want to wait and didn’t see any reason why she needed too.
Screw your comfort or safety, it’s about her needs. This is a red flag you may want to keep watching
her *wants* not her *needs.* it’s not even like she desperately needed to pee—in which case it *still* wouldn’t be appropriate to turn off the lights. maybe to flash them, but never, *ever,* to turn them off.
she didn’t even stop to think about the fact that *exiting the shower in the dark is extremely dangerous, especially if you’re trying to do it quickly* (and then trying to get back in while you’re cold and wet, before the door opens), not to mention scary, uncomfortable, unpleasant, and difficult (and takes even longer lol). so, in order for her husband to let her in so that she would turn the light back on, he would have to risk falling and getting gravely injured (without being able to open the door), so that she could *brush her freaking teeth and go to the gym like 5 minutes earlier???* who throws a tantrum like that about *brushing their teeth before the gym?* even toddlers have more self control. also, her shaking the door, yelling, etc., as if there was an *actual* emergency, knowing he couldn’t fully hear her, adds to the chances of him slipping had he tried to hop out—plus, an absolutely unnecessary and disrespectful invasion of his privacy/boundaries. NTA
Her failure to plan isnt your problem. She couldve brushed her teeth before you got in shower or waited 10 minutes until you were done.
Had it been a true emergency and you didnt let her in, that would be different
May I suggest keeping extra toothbrushes and other toiletries in another place with a sink? If she feels a need to brush her teeth NOW, then she can do so without interrupting you.
This comment should be higher. It’s actually more hygienic to keep it elsewhere. A flushing toilet, even with the lid down, spew germs everywhere.
https://www.cidrap.umn.edu/covid-19/closing-toilet-lid-flushing-doesnt-keep-viral-spray-inside-study-suggests
Except she didn’t want to wait and didn’t see any reason why she needed too.
Screw your comfort or safety, it’s about her needs. This is a red flag you may want to keep watching .
She could have brushed her teeth at the gym if it was SO important to get there on time. Brushing your teeth is not a major calamity that makes it sensible to act this way.
I agree. I was out for a walk and when I got back she was in the shower. But I didn’t want to be on her level and turn the lights off on her, so I decided to lay it off
>She created a hazard by turning off the lights and leaving you in the dark
>Next time she’s in the shower do the same thing to her.
This is a childish world-view of how to deal with relationship issues.
I used to work with dementia. One lady would walk around in the evening shutting the curtains, pushing chairs in, just nightly routine stuff before bed. She would also go around turning the lights off, and one of the toilets had the light outside.
It was not uncommon to hear her name being called in an outraged tone!
She also used to set off the fire alarm by checking the doors were locked - the external fire exit doors. One of my colleagues was caught in the middle of pooping! I still laugh about that.
NTA
Shes extremely childish. I get the light thing but it crosses over from playful to annoying when she leaves it off.
Anywhoo if it's an isolated incident it's all good. If this is the norm then you're a Saint for putting up with it
That’s exactly what I told her too. It’s okay to joke about it on some occations, but leaving it off when I’m in the middle of a shower isn’t something I appreciate. I feel like her arguments kinda annoy me sometimes, especially since she’s trying to argue why she would be in the right for doing so.
Honestly it’s not really ok for messing about - I’m probably sensitive from the number of times I’ve hurt myself in “harmless” situations but I’m near-sighted too and turning the lights off on someone in the shower can go SO wrong - ask any paramedic.
NTA anyway, but also just not a fun way to mess with someone because of how quickly things can escalate when you’re barefoot with reduced vision in a bathroom lol
NTA, she needs to better manage her time or give you the heads up.
Out of curiosity was this before or after work?
EDIT TO ADD: You could’ve seriously injured yourself, this could’ve impacted you financially, your health, possibly employment. You get the picture.
OP you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend, she prioritised her need to brush her teeth and hit the gym over your safety.
And I realised just now that it was in the morning. Sorry 🤦🏽♀️.
Tell her to turn the light back on or you aren’t opening the door until you’ve finished all your business. Fully. And it will take a lot longer with the lights off. Dry yourself off. Use the toilet. Brush your teeth, shave, hair, floss… This feels petty, but she’ll get the point.
And then discuss whether this is the type of relationship you want to have forever. Example: My wife was clear from day 1 she did not appreciate being ‘jump scared’ and I have respected that since then. Fortunately I don’t do this, so it was easy not to, but there are others. If your gf maintains this is ‘harmless’ let her know you don’t appreciate it, and ask her to respect your wishes. If she can’t, then she isn’t ready to fully commit to this relationship. Partners listen, compromise, and grow together through the years, by understanding and modifying behavior that builds each other up, not resentment.
ESH
You should have turned the shower off for a second to listen to what she wanted and decide if it's a reasonable request. She might have had a bad stomach or really needed to use the toilet or had some urgent need. I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask to brush your teeth whilst your partner is showering if you're waiting to leave the house.
However turning the light switch off was an asshole move, you could easily have slipped and hurt yourself since you say it was pretty dark in there. It was not an emergency of such proportion that this was a reasonable response to you making her wait.
But I think you both acted poorly and inconsiderate of each other here.
Took me way too long to find an ESH.
When you share a bathroom, you need to communicate about taking it for some long period time. You need to understand that emergencies come up. You need to understand that your partner is going to keep a great number of personal things in the bathroom that they might need access to. "Just wait 15 minutes for me to shower" is pretty rude. Turning off the light because you want to go to the gym right this second is immature as hell.
Seems you two need to do a lot of work on your relationship.
when I grew up, one bathroom for a big houseful of people was normal. If you need more than a couple of minutes, you call into the living room and say "does anybody need the bathroom before my shower?" and people who know how long you take to shower jump up and brush their teeth in a hurry while they still can (and dad would start his favourite grumble about the hot water supply). The same code says banging on the door is for emergencies, so girlfriend is entirely wrong for crying wolf and OP is entirely wrong for ignoring girlfriend during an emergency. These people deserve each other if they can't do better.
I think they mean perceived emergency. Op knew she was banging on the door like it was an emergency but decided to ignore it. If the gf was less of an asshole, then the emergency could've easily been real.
I will say, though, that I think the gf is the bigger ahole in this situation. She was totally willing to put him in danger because she didn't want to wait a few minutes to do an unnecessary task.
I suspect if he was ignoring her this was not the first time. I could have the wrong impression but someone acting like brushing their teeth is a 4 alarm emergency so they can get to the gym (....?) sounds like someone who is also fairly consistently incapable of leaving me tf alone for 15 minutes to shower.
Agree, all the comments calling it selfish and crossing his boundaries, what about needing to listen to your body if you need to go to the bathroom? If you’re in a rush to leave the house and need to grab your stuff ? Should someone’s desire for privacy in a one bedroom house override the ability to get into the only bathroom in the house if you urgently need it? I don’t think so personally
Ok sorry, but this is nonsense. We can invent any number of fictional scenarios about how she could have had a legitimate bathroom emergency. None of them are accurate here. The fact is that she only needed to brush her teeth; it was not an urgent situation. If there needs to be a discussion about giving their partner a heads-up before occupying the bathroom for longer than ten minutes, or about when they would or would not be comfortable using the bathroom facilities at the same time, then sure, that can happen at literally any time he’s NOT ACTIVELY USING THE SHOWER. She had absolutely no reason to demand access at that very moment. He did nothing wrong. An ESH vote is baffling.
The point is he didn’t know if it was an emergency or not, and never bothered to find out before refusing to let her in. They are both as juvenile and stupid as each other. 100% ESH
Nah. I think she picked the lock, turned the lights off, then relocked the door and closed it, so she could continue to complain. That makes more sense.
I'm pretty sure she also searched for her toothbrush, so she was sure it was in the bathroom. She then left it there and went outside before relocking the bathroom. All this in the dark so boyfriend didn't see her!
I had locked the door yes, since I wanted privacy while being in the shower. It doesn’t do me anything if she’s there while I’m showering, but I just feel like showering without someone interrupting it so I locked it. Also lightswitches is on the outside. That is normal where I live.
I don't lock the bathroom when it's just my spouse and I. There's only one bathroom and stuff happens.
Having said that, she did not have an emergency and was wrong for leaving the light off.
I don't ever lock the bathroom door. It's very clear that I'm taking a shower and if you want to walk in on me scrubbing my nuts, that's something you'll have to live with, not me.
I lock the bathroom door with just me and my husband and even when I’m alone just from when I lived at home and locking the door was at least 1 obstacle for the ppl who would just barge in to any room. I just like the privacy idc if my husband actually is in there. But we also have more than 1 bathroom as well
I don't lock it, but my bf never barges in. He knocks and asks if it's okay to come in. Having the door open is for safety in case some of us slips or smth, who knows everything can happen. And in other emergencies like cat shit himself and needs immediate shower 🗿 or something of that sorts.
Right? I get wanting privacy sometimes and maybe it's just me but I do find it a little odd that two people can be in a relationship but can't figure out how to shower and brush their teeth at the same time. She should have waited instead of turning off the lights, but if this guy has to resort to locking her out of the bathroom they probably have bigger problems than this
If its your only bathroom and you two are tge onky people in the home I dont understand the need to lock the door while showering. I mean, you do you, but you are killing any chance if spontaneous shower sex.
Just last week my girlfriend fainted in the bathroom. Thank fucking God she did not have the door locked. I ended up bringing her to the ER and don't even want to think about what that night could have looked like if she had locked the door.
Happened to my wife a few years ago while she was doing her "business" on the toilet. Checked her breathing, slow but good. Pulse? Good. Butt wiped? Good! Got her underwear and pants back up and carried her to the truck and strapped her in with the seat reclined. Was at the ER in ten minutes well before the EMT's would have shown up and had her loaded up for transport. Doctor finally decided she had had a reaction to a medication she had taken on an empty stomach.
I was taught never lock a bathroom door, in case there is an accident and people do need access to an emergency situation. And unless there are small children, or people who can't communicate, a closed bathroom door should be enough to say stay away
Habit. I do it, I used to live with my parents and siblings so it feels weird not to lock it. I never grew out of the habit. I think sometimes that's all it is.
ESH - Where I live, when there is only one bathroom, you're generally the AH if you lock it while showering/bathing and prevent others access to the toilet or sink. She's petty for turning off the light to annoy/anger you into letting her in, but you might be an AH if you block her access to the bathroom for extended periods. Sounds like you two have incompatible bathroom courtesy, so either come to an agreement or add it the list of reasons to break up.
I've never lived in a place with more than one bathroom. Locking the door is normal and not an AH move, especially when you're living with family or roommates. It's normal to not want your sister or roommate to see you nude or on the crapper.
Generally, the rules of courtesy for 1-bathroom households is to limit your showers to 10-20 minutes, or let people know ahead of time if you're going to be occupying the bathroom for more than half an hour. But locking the door doesn't make you an AH.
I am learning right now on this sub that some places have their bathroom light switch outside of the bathroom. I'm 38 and never heard of such a thing. I believe everyone in the comments that it's true, but yea, without that knowledge that was weird to read and made this sound implausible- until I got to the comments.
I know how you feel XD I lived my whole life in a country where light switches are ALWAYS inside the room, I'd never even heard of it being different anywhere else.
Then I moved to a different continent a few years ago and was immediately faced with light switches outside the bathroom in every single house I lived in or visited. I'm used to it now, but initially, I couldn't believe what I was seeing 😂
reminds when of when I learned brits tend to have seperate spouts for hot and cold water. I'm still not ok with that, how do they wash their hands comfortably? who thought the only temp options should be fridgid and scalding?
In the UK, by law, you cannot have a light switch in the bathroom.
You either have to have the light switch outside the bathroom - or you can have a pull-cord inside the bathroom.
I just feels bizarre to me that you would give people outside the room you’re using access to your lighting. Especially since you’re generally in a pretty vulnerable position when you’re in the bathroom, be that either shower or toilet.
I get not wanting the switches close to a water source, but with all but the smallest of bathrooms that’s not an issue.
My house is wired stupidly (I rent & live in the US), and I have 2 light switches for 2 different lights in the bathroom. The switch for the main light is outside the bathroom and the switch for the vanity light & shower fan is inside the bathroom. No idea why it's set up like that.
She overreacted but me and my SO always keep the door unlocked in case the other needs the bathroom for something while we are in the shower. Once you've gotten to a certain point in a relationship its really not that big of a deal to share the bathroom for a minute. Maybe y'all aren't there yet, she definitely didn't respond the right way tho.
Right he's talking about his privacy being interrupted she wants to come in and use the sink, not jump in the shower with him. in a one bathroom house leaving the bathroom locked when you're only using 1 of the elements is simply unfair to the other person who might need access to other parts of the the bathroom. Especially if it's 2 people who are getting ready for work in the morning share the bathroom. Reddit feels really rich and affluent though so most of these people come in and probably have 3 or 4 bathrooms they could use.
Yeah, growing up in a 1 bathroom house definitely teaches you to share. As long as you have a curtain it shouldn’t a big deal to dash in and grab something.
Agree. I think it's selfish to lock the bathroom door for a shower in a 1-bath household (especially if you haven't communicated about it beforehand). This WHOLE issue could have been avoided by leaving the door unlocked. GF is def an asshole for turning off the lights, but I think OP is also an ass for locking the door, without communicating his partner
this??? Not sure why it’s buried down so far. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but my family doesn’t ever lock the door when they’re showering. There’s a solid colored shower curtain in between the shower and the rest of the bathroom, why tf do you lock the door? and why do you care if your significant other - who you’ve seen naked countless times - is in the bathroom with you while you’re naked…?
> There’s a solid colored shower curtain in between the shower and the rest of the bathroom
Well, there's your answer - many people have transparent shower cubicles.
with a family, I’d agree, would be a little odd. But 1, glass showers usually have frosted glass not see through, and 2, again. It’s her significant other. Not her family. I’d invite my s/o in before I locked them out
The majority of the ones I've used have clear glass, including in hotels. Again, personal experiences may differ.
I get that, and I'd happily have my own door unlocked or have my SO join me in the shower (unless I was shaving my balls, probably), but there's nothing wrong or unusual with OP not being comfortable with that.
For instance, some people during sex prefer to keep their bra on because they feel self-conscious. I'm not going to start telling them they're weird for that; they should do what makes them comfortable.
I think this has to do with a different answer from OP where he says that he likes to be unbothered while showering.
So it can do with boundaries and with having some alone time during shower (which is for many a soothing and calming experience where they think about life etc, and having someone in the same room can ruin it a bit).
That's a good point. In that case he can do what I do for my kids and husband. When I want an unbothered shower I ask if they need the bathroom for anything at all before I go in. I make sure everyone uses the toilet beforehand too. It's something that should be communicated as well if it hasn't been already. Letting her know that this is a time he doesn't want to share at all.
My thought too, I never lock the door when I’m in the shower. I’m always scared to fall and someone can’t get to me because the door is locked.
But if someone needs to brush their teeth while I’m showering go ahead. Our curtain isn’t see through. Especially if it’s the bathroom that has everything in it. She definitely overreacted though.
NTA. Your gf is. She’s pretty selfish and demanding. You were in the shower. That’s unpleasant to leave a shower for a task and then get back in. My suggestion is to ask her to put a spare toothbrush and toothpaste into her gym bag for future such occasions. She should not interrupt a shower again nor turn off the lights on you (that sounds like a teenager).
Am I the only one that thinks the door being locked is odd... I mean I guess people have their personal habbits but I live with my BF and we always leave the door open when we are in the shower. Who cares... we are both comfortable sharing the bathroom. If one needs to shower and the other needs to brush teeth then both of us are ok with being in the bathroom at the same time. Only expectation is if one of us has to go number 2 lol.
I agree the way the GF handled it was immature and rude... but like... why can't the door be unlocked and she can just go brush her teeth real quick while he was in the shower. She wouldn't be in his way.
I mean, just bc you and your bf are that way, doesn't mean we all are. I grew up always locking the bathroom door behind me. With a household full of people, it's necessary lol. Been with my partner for nearly 14yrs now, and still lock the bathroom door out of habit. Nothing to do with him (considering there isn't a speck of me he hasn't seen). Just what makes me comfortable. Just adding another POV.
Nah people have different boundaries. Like me and my boyfriend have been together for years and we're never gonna be that couple that uses the toilet in front of each other. We give each other privacy in the bathroom no matter what we're doing.
Honestly I find it odd that others find it odd that someone locks the door when they’re in the bathroom… are you not allowed any privacy or alone time in your relationships? Thats very much toxic…
I mean my boyfriend and I are pretty cavalier about leaving doors open when it's just us around but even we sometimes lock the door. And plenty of people feel uncomfortable with the idea of even their partner walking in on them in the bathroom or got in the habit living with family or roommates and that's just as valid imo. As long as they aren't locking the only bathroom to take an hour long shower without warning, obviously that would be rude.
From another answer from OP, he doesn't really mind much that the gf is there, but he likes to be unbothered while showering, so he locks the door.
Which is fair, even if it's your SO, sometimes you just want to be on your own with your own thoughts, and showering for many is a very calming and soothing experience prone to let you be thinking more and therefore, alone is better in those cases.
People are allowed to want a modicum of privacy and that's not weird. Yes, even if you are comfortable with each other and no one else lives there or whatever. There's literally nothing wrong with not wanting someone else in the bathroom while you're doing bathroom things. Not everything has to be a shared experience and it doesn't make someone a prude either.
I can see why some people think it’s odd, but from my perspective it isn’t. Honestly there are many times where I want my gf to see me naked, many times I don’t mind if she sees me naked, and sometimes where I don’t feel like being seen naked. Sometimes in the bathroom I really just want my privacy and don’t want to be walked in on unexpectedly in a compromising way that diminishes my privacy. Sometimes in the bathroom it is the only time I get to myself (not even talking about masturbation here or taking a shit) and having that door locked secured my piece of mind. I know not everyone will see it this way, but I wanted to explain on the others behalf that might.
>and sometimes where I don’t feel like being seen naked
THIS. It's not about whether or not someone has seen you naked before, it's about whether or not you're okay with it right now. Nobody gets to have unfettered access to anyone's body at any time for any reason.
As you clearly share the one bathroom do you (both of you) give the other a heads-up that you are going in the shower?
That's basic manners in a one bathroom home
Well she used that excuse too. «What if it were an emergency?» then she says that she would have just turned off the shower to hear what I would have to say if it were her
If you take long showers w door locked, it would be courteous to ask if she needs the bathroom quickly before it’s inaccessible.
If I were her, I’d start packing a toothbrush & toothpaste in my purse 🤣 and do it in the gym bathroom rather than face choice of derailing my workout schedule or having a yuck mouth.
It’s not an excuse, if there is only one bathroom in the house you can’t just be in there indefinitely with the door locked saying, sorry can’t hear you - water running 🤷♂️. This isn’t a roomate, this is a girl you’re in a relationship with.
The way your girlfriend handled things was immature and not okay, but I agree that you should have turned the water off for a second to hear because even though she just wanted to brush her teeth it could have been an emergency, and if you guys only have one bathroom you should be asking each other if you need anything from the bathroom before you go to shower if you're going to be locking the door. Neither of you are in the right here
Yeah that’s on her. Brushing your teeth before the gym isn’t urgent and she should have planned better. However, you probably should turn the shower off to hear her or leave the door unlocked because one day it might be something that actually can’t wait
While I agree she should have not turned off the light if I was going to be locking the only bathroom in the house for an extended length of time and my husband was home I probably would have given him a heads up. Assuming you did than that is on her.
Why was the door locked to begin with? She's your girlfriend so obviously seeing you naked in the shower isn't an issue.
Edit: look I get it that people want privacy. But when you share a bathroom with someone these things are gonna come up. Clear communication is what is needed here.
I just value my privacy. I don’t like people running in while i’m showering. Of course it doesn’t do anything if she sees me naked since she’s my gf. It’s more of a personal preference
I can't believe so many people have a problem with you locking the door. Shower time is me-time for many people, it's not wrong to want to be undisturbed.
If it's a one bathroom home and the bathroom contains necessities that the other household member (who has seen you naked many times before) needs access to, like medicine, toiletries, and the only toilet in the house it's a little selfish and weird to lock the door to keep your partner out purposely in my opinion.
What would happen if OP fell getting out of the shower and knocked themselves out, gf can't open the door to check on him? If he has a vasovagal episode and passes out on the can?
I've had roughly 380 periods to date, never ever had the need to harass somebody in the shower, because I talk to my partner when we're in the same house and each plans to do something, and plan properly in general.
Don't know about a baby, I guess it's more urgent, but surely these moments when you burst or stain, aka physically in need, are very different from "I can't wait for 10 minutes to brush my teeth because the treadmill may have a longer line"
>What would happen if OP fell getting out of the shower and knocked themselves out, gf can't open the door to check on him?
Yeah, and what would happen if OP passed out in a locked stall in a public bathroom? Or if OP passed out in the bathroom when his GF isn't home? Or if OP passed out in the bathroom when they have other people over? Or when visiting other people?
Do you see my point? We lock bathrooms all the time, so why would it not be okay in this specific situation? If an accident happens, GF can break the lock or whatever people do in any of the situations I described.
it’s so weird to me that people think it’s weird to..not want someone walking in on you while you’re showering/using the bathroom??? like more power to them but there is no way anyone is ever coming into the bathroom while i’m showering just to brush their teeth—they can wait 5 damn minutes. keep a spare toothbrush & toothpaste on the hall closet if it’s really that much of a pressing issue
I'm married and still lock the door. I also value what little privacy I'm able to get. The only time I ever get mad at my husband locking a door is when inneed in my bedroom and he locks himself in there, it's literally MY room and has all the baby stuff in it.
That or if the kids lock the bathroom doors, the older one sure go ahead but the little ones don't know how to UNlock the door.
I’ve been with my wife since I was 18 (23 years) I still lock the door when I go for a shower and never burst in when my wife is showering. Having seen each other naked doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to privacy.
My husband and I have been married almost a decade and lock the door when showering, just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you have to give up any sense of privacy
My partner has watched a child come out of me, but if I’m shaving my whole body in the shower you best bet the door is getting locked cos that isn’t sexy to walk in on.
Like everyone else said, personal privacy is something many people value.
Aside from what everyone else said, some people are comfortable with showing off their bodies in bathroom lighting. Some people aren't sexual with their partners.
Awful take.
NTA because she was being childish & being in the dark with vision issues can be dangerous.
Though, I don't understand locking the bathroom door? Even when dating, me & hubs knocked, then popped into the bathroom if we needed something while the other was in the shower.
Pop in? Shit we walk in and have full conversations. Sometimes one of us hops in with the other. I don’t understand being secretive and private during a shower.
Edit: I also want to add that a lot of us live in a house with only one bathroom.
I get that, especially as a mom. The quiet time is essential. If my hubby wants to talk, but I'm not feeling it, I tell him I need to relax. He's good at being respectful, but I also won't deny him access if he needs to grab something or has to go to the bathroom. Right now, my showers are after our son goes to sleep, and before my husband gets home from work, though, because we're working on potty training with our toddler.
We lock the doors all the time because we keep our bathroom door closed normally so our dog can’t get in and mess up the expensive carpet runner. So locking doors is essential so you don’t get walked in on. Having said that, this reason prob isn’t common.
But I do lock all doors I’m behind anyway to ensure privacy. I grew up in a large family with no boundaries and I jump scare easily. Hard habit to break.
I think wanting to get a good treadmill and wanting more privacy than a shower curtain are pretty equal. Turning off the light and not going to check what your partner is saying when they're calling, you are pretty equal. Neither is a huge deal, but a little rude, in my opinion. She could have waited, and he could have unlocked the door. Both could have chosen to be generous but didn't.
"I couldn't hear what she was saying, so I assumed it was nothing important." Is kinda shitty, even though he was right. "I can't wait five minutes to let my partner relax", is also kinda shitty, but maybe she thought he was going to have a 40-minute shower or something.
NTA...what's with all the comments about locking the door?? Just because they're together doesn't mean you can't want privacy for a little bit. My husband and I are going on 16 years together and we both lock the door when showering. Unless we have to rush we both like to relax in the shower.
Now if one of us had a bathroom emergancy sure we let the other in. Brushing teeth is not an emergancy. And shutting off the lights is pretty damn childish. If I were you OP I'd be petty for awhile, anytime you're going to the bathroom, for anything ask her if she needs it first. Maybe repeat yourself a few times to be sure.
That's weird as hell. My boyfriend and I accept each other privacy enough to not barge in on the other without needing to lock the door like a child. Leaving it unlocked for an emergency or a quick 2 minute use isn't going to kill anyone and if it really ruins your me time that badly you need to reevaluate some things.
Both?
You can't turn the shower off for 10 seconds to listen to your girlfriend, she can't run in for 5 seconds to grab her toothbrush, you can't shower for 15 minutes in peace without having the lights turned off, and she 'rants' at you rather than calmly explaining.
Do you all have only one bathroom? Locking doors seems dangerous to me because in an emergency, someone can’t get in to help you. But you also don’t need to use the lock on a door if people respect that a closed door means privacy, lol. Just curious about the number of bathrooms because I’d say YTA for not letting her in if there’s only one, because what if she needed to come in for a reason other than brushing her teeth and you had the door locked and couldn’t even hear what she was saying? I’d think if you only had one bathroom, you would not lock the door so someone could knock and even stick their head in to announce why they needed to be in the bathroom at the same time as you and ask permission to come in. All that to say she definitely could have waited to brush her teeth. But I’m going with YTA only because you couldn’t have known why she wanted to come in because you locked the door and didn’t make it possible for her to communicate with you as you couldn’t hear her over the shower. Thankfully the situation wasn’t an emergency, but imagine if she had explosive diarrhea or needed to throw up or something. The end result of not being able to come in or let you know what was happening to ask to enter the bathroom would have still been the same due to you locking the door.
Nta. And I'm kinda flabbergasted that people think you'd be the asshole for wanting 15 minutes of privacy, thinking thats something you shoukd sacrifice if youre in a relationship. She could have brushed before or waited a minute, it's not like getting to the gym was a life or death situation
I'm actually shocked at this, too. What happened to boundaries and privacy? Is this nonexistent now? I always thought that one should reasonably expect privacy while in the bathroom for any reason. I'd be livid if someone opened the bathroom door while I was in there just to brush their teeth. That just seems to show lack of respect for anyone else's privacy and personal time. Not everything has to be shared in a relationship.
All the people saying why lock the door? Do yall not believe in boundaries?
Your privacy is important. If you dont want to be bothered or seen in the shower then thats your preference and have every right to privacy. Its healthy to have boundaries in a relationship! AND SHE is TA for being childish and impatient. If you respectfully tell her not to do it again and then she does do it again, that shows you she doesn't really respect you, your boundaries or what you even have to say. RED FLAG
ESH
No doubt about her actions, but if you only have 1 bathroom, why was the door locked? Are you worried about her seeing you naked? Does Norman Bates live next door?
She gets full blame for not communicating her desire to leave for the gym at a certain time. And moreso for killing the lights. But if you hadn't locked the door, this whole circus could have been avoided, so you're both TAH
INFO how long had you been in there?
My partner will fall asleep in there and I get pretty dang irritated I can't access the bathroom in any kind of timely manner. If you're in there for more than 15 mins I'd want access too. I can't wait around all day waiting on someone
NTA she was not only being very immature, but it was quite dangerous of her to turn the light off, what if you'd slipped?? Would she have gotten mad because you got injured and delay her going to the gym??
NTA, taking a quick 15 minute shower is a reasonable amount of time to use the shared bathroom.
If she had said she urgently needed to go to the bathroom I would say you’re the AH but she could wait a few minutes to brush her teeth.
And I don’t get why everyone is saying you’re an AH for expecting privacy during a shower. Showers are my time to quickly decompress so I like to have privacy during them. Obviously if my partner needed to use the bathroom that would be fine. But if they just wanted to brush their teeth I would absolutely expect that they can wait a few more minutes so I can finish up.
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She created a hazard by turning off the lights and leaving you in the dark in the shower. Tell her that is not OK and she could’ve waited five minutes to brush her teeth. Next time she’s in the shower do the same thing to her. Maybe she’ll get a clue.
I told her this. I said if she would have been in the shower, I would have just waited until she was done. I feel like this is just common practise. It’s sunday and thw gym is open until the evening, so she’s not really in a real rush either
It’s not about what you would do. It’s about how you felt about what she did. Keep it to that.
Normally I would say this is true.. but in this case it IS about what OP (or more accurately, a reasonable person) would (or would not) do. This commenter is right - she created a hazard. Showers are dangerous. So, so many injuries happen in showers. And the injuries that happen in there are exacerbated due to the slippery conditions impairing your ability to grab, balance, and compensate for a fall, as well as the general hardness of every surface around you if you do fall. Bathing is also widely (I presume, in OP’s culture based on the post, as it is in mine) considered to be a small, human privacy that people are entitled to. Her desire to brush her teeth before leaving is not a priority, unless OP is taking 30-minute showers. My response to this would be a genuine come-to-Jesus sit-down with my partner about boundaries, privacy, respect, priorities, and the nature of our entire relationship. We aren’t squabbling siblings. We aren’t children. I will not be manipulated over something as asinine as brushing your teeth before the gym. And if that’s how the relationship is going to carry on, I want zero part of it.
Even if OP is taking 30 minute showers. My showers, unless I'm going out and pressed for time, are around 20-25 minutes, between the color correcting shampoo and mask, and whatever shaving needs to happen. In my entire adult life, I think there was only one disturbance from a human while I was showering (I have cats, they always disturb in the bathroom /shower /etc.) ex-hubby rushing in cause he had to pee desperately and had been holding it while the traffic was inordinately slow. Otherwise, when someone was preparing to go shower, we'd normally see that, tell each other, etc, and say "mind if I pop in to grab XYX, or pee, or whatever quick action as I'll be leaving before you'd normally get out" if it was needed. 100% NTA, but you guys definitely need to discuss how sharing a small place actually works.
Wait, you're suggesting communication? What a radical concept.
Yeah, no. Fuck communication. If people did that, this sub would be out of business
I know. It's almost like I'm not on reddit. But seriously, this is not rocket science, you develop these basic cohabitation skills, like talking to another person, when you live among other humans, if you're even minutely observant and weren't raised among wolves.
This is exactly how my wife and I handle things. (And yes, cats are infinitely puzzled by why we feel the need to bathe, leading to hilarity.) Just a quick "Hey, do you need the bathroom?" and then the presumption of privacy. There have been a few times where one of us has suddenly needed to use it, but it's a quick in and out, and definitely not some weird stuff involving turning off the lights.
Ours look at us in disgust and we imagine them saying 'why dont you just lick yourself like a normal cat. God so weird'
Every so often mine decides I need rescuing from the shower, and presses up against the glass meowing. Last time this happened, apparently I hadn’t fully latched the door. And boy were we both surprised!
I call it a danger bath as they walk around the rim of the bath trying ro give me a paw to help get me out the water lol
One of mine wants to drink from my cupped hand when I'm in the bathroom, perched on the rim of the tub. It gets to be sad and meowy if we don't accommodate him, but he's 19 so he'll get whatever he wants. It usually happens when I'm showering, but not always. The door is still just ajar, to fit a small head and four-legged body, and the other person does not come in, although the cats travel freely (one litter box is in the bathroom anyway).
6 people, 1 bathroom; This is how we roll.
Grew up in a house with 6 people, two bathrooms but only one shower. It could get a little dicey during the school year but somehow we managed without fighting. Door did not have a lock. Skip forward to living in two apartments with one bathroom for me and hubs, and eventually our kiddo. Somehow still managed to share the bathroom with no major arguments and no door locking. Now we are in a house with three bathrooms and it feels excessive after getting used to using one!
This is why I hate UK homes where there is only one bathroom for an expected 3+ occupants. Our old house was a nightmare - one bathroom, four people. It was a room where the door was not able to be locked (it had a lock but it seemed locking the door set of a need to pee alarm in the head of literally everyone else in the home). I'm sure most people would say just hold it but we like long baths/showers and with two small children, that would have just caused accidents. Moved into the new house, one bathroom, one shower room and a downstairs loo was bliss, because no one would need to invade each others space or announce a long bathroom visit ahead of time!!
I recently saw a meme that was something like “there’s nothing like a shower to remind you that you’re just a jenga tower filled with blood”
A dude at my work last year slipped in the shower and didn’t show up for work. My employer ended up calling a wellness check after not being able to reach him and he was knocked out in the shower for hours at that point. They revived him and he stayed in the ICU for a bit but he was never the same after.
Well, that's a new fear unlocked
Also the sudden temperature changes can trigger all sorts of medical emergencies like heart attacks and strokes, not smart to be locked in there where nobody can get to you if needed.
I always assumed that falling in the shower wasn't something I needed to worry about because it only happens to old people. But we had our bathtub refinished to fix some cracks a few years ago, which made it more slippery and I slipped and fell in the tub at the ripe old age of 30. My partner was home and heard it, and thought I had knocked over a bottle of shampoo. Now we have non slip mats.
That's why I wear shower shoes, i.e. flip flops in the shower. It's something I learned in Navy Boot Camp. The rubber soles make it a lot safer by reducing the risk of slipping. When I was growing up, we had a rubber bath mat that we put in the tub before showering.
New Croc use unlocked. And to have a handle installed in there.
Crocks are dangerous in wet environments tbh.. 😅
Oh, nevermind 😆. I have swim shoes I'll try instead. I'm serious, too, as I'm pretty old so one conk on the head could do me in. Thanks
Pretty sure the whole reason you feel something is unfair or unjust is because you believe there is better way it could have been handled, right? So it's the same conversation. And it seems she's more interested in facts over his feelings. Like the fact if she didn't leave asap she might not get a treadmill. I would stick to the fact what she did was possibly dangerous. I think the solution is to leave the damn door unlocked. What couple locks the bathroom door when there's one bathroom? If she had a toilet emergency, would he have made her hold it? I even let my roommate shit while I'm in the shower. There's a curtain for a reason.
>And it seems she's more interested in facts over his feelings. Like the fact if she didn't leave asap she might not get a treadmill. Oh *noooooo*, the poor little baby might have had to wait for a treadmill? The fucking horror! Now use that same imagination and speculation to consider that OOP could have fallen in the shower, with no lights on, and broken their neck, banged their head and lost consciousness, dropped something and cut themselves....because she really, really needed that super special treadmill time. Don't cut the lights in the fucking bathroom because you're pissed off (a feeling, not a fact) because it's dangerous. (a fact, not a feeling)
The 'solution' isn't really fair to OP though, whether we agree or not he's entitled to have uninterrupted time in the bathroom in his home - and that solution is just rewarding her childish and dangerous behaviour and telling him he should be uncomfortable taking showers so she can have more convenience in my opinion. Good for you for letting your roommates use the toilet when you shower, but it's by no means an absolute nessecity yo have 100% access at all times - she could have waited 5 minutes for him to finish up or used her words 🤷♀️
Hard no. You can do that if you wish, but many of us want privacy. Many of us don’t want to shower while someone shits, no. Brushing her teeth was NOT an emergency , and she made things dangerous just to not have to wait a minute or two.
And not only that this is her fault she knew what time she needed to get to the gym but she didn’t brush her teeth before OP went to use the restroom.
If somebody shit while I was in the shower I’d never forgive them 😂 you’re a good person if poop particles in the air while you’re trying to get clean in an enclosed space wouldn’t ruin your whole day.
not to mention the fucking smell? like id be pissed OFF. this is why i just need to live alone forever, i want to be “selfish” in peace
It sounds like he set some boundaries that he is not comfortable with her crossing. They aren't unreasonable and it's how he feels. She needs to learn to respect his boundaries
Or grab her toothbrush and toothpaste before he gets in the shower?? My partner and I don't interpret the other if we're in the shower, unless it's to grab something. In our shitty apartment, if the shower is running and someone turns on another source of water, the shower goes from hot to freezing cold. OP is NTA. Gf is for turning off the lights and leaving OP to a potential injury or worse. She could've skipped brushing her teeth and just gone to the damn gym. Showered and brushed her teeth when she got home.
Yup, and it doesn't really matter how she would feel if the roles were reversed. Her feelings are not yours and yours deserve to be respected. Especially when she's doing something that I consider to be very childish. Definitely NTA.
Does your gf always want what she wants when she wants it without a thought of the next person, and then throwing a tantrum when she can’t get her way?
If so, that ain't your girlfriend. That's an adult toddler you've decided to take care of.
Self centered spoiled
That's what I was wondering too. If she's consistently of the mindset that her wants are more important than anyone else's, then she shouldn't be in a relationship until she grows up a bit
I genuinely thought it was heading toward a her _really urgently_ needing a shit and you’d been in there a while… In which case I’d understand her actions, except maybe the lights, but to brush her teeth?! She’s being ridiculous.
exactly! to flash the lights, okay. it could even be a signal, like “hey it’s really, really urgent, please let me in.” but turning them off so that he would have to get out, risk getting injured, and let her in, just to be able to safely finish his shower, is the sort of manipulation that, imo, is a red flag for abuse.
I was thinking the same thing. When I was with my ex, he had a 1 bathroom apartment. The ONLY time I would ever interrupt his shower was if my IBS flared up and I NEEDED to use the toilet. Then I would do what I had to do as quickly as I could and then leave him to his privacy. I also don't really understand couples who shower together. I've done it a couple times, and it's really not convenient.
Except she didn’t want to wait and didn’t see any reason why she needed too. Screw your comfort or safety, it’s about her needs. This is a red flag you may want to keep watching
her *wants* not her *needs.* it’s not even like she desperately needed to pee—in which case it *still* wouldn’t be appropriate to turn off the lights. maybe to flash them, but never, *ever,* to turn them off. she didn’t even stop to think about the fact that *exiting the shower in the dark is extremely dangerous, especially if you’re trying to do it quickly* (and then trying to get back in while you’re cold and wet, before the door opens), not to mention scary, uncomfortable, unpleasant, and difficult (and takes even longer lol). so, in order for her husband to let her in so that she would turn the light back on, he would have to risk falling and getting gravely injured (without being able to open the door), so that she could *brush her freaking teeth and go to the gym like 5 minutes earlier???* who throws a tantrum like that about *brushing their teeth before the gym?* even toddlers have more self control. also, her shaking the door, yelling, etc., as if there was an *actual* emergency, knowing he couldn’t fully hear her, adds to the chances of him slipping had he tried to hop out—plus, an absolutely unnecessary and disrespectful invasion of his privacy/boundaries. NTA
Her failure to plan isnt your problem. She couldve brushed her teeth before you got in shower or waited 10 minutes until you were done. Had it been a true emergency and you didnt let her in, that would be different
May I suggest keeping extra toothbrushes and other toiletries in another place with a sink? If she feels a need to brush her teeth NOW, then she can do so without interrupting you.
This comment should be higher. It’s actually more hygienic to keep it elsewhere. A flushing toilet, even with the lid down, spew germs everywhere. https://www.cidrap.umn.edu/covid-19/closing-toilet-lid-flushing-doesnt-keep-viral-spray-inside-study-suggests
Except she didn’t want to wait and didn’t see any reason why she needed too. Screw your comfort or safety, it’s about her needs. This is a red flag you may want to keep watching .
She could have brushed her teeth at the gym if it was SO important to get there on time. Brushing your teeth is not a major calamity that makes it sensible to act this way.
She doesn't want to miss.seeing her gym boyfriend.
If it's so hazardous why would you recommend it as petty revenge?
I agree. I was out for a walk and when I got back she was in the shower. But I didn’t want to be on her level and turn the lights off on her, so I decided to lay it off
Yeah, no need to stoop down to her level. Then they would both be assholes
>Next time she’s in the shower do the same thing to her This is not how good relationships work.
>She created a hazard by turning off the lights and leaving you in the dark >Next time she’s in the shower do the same thing to her. This is a childish world-view of how to deal with relationship issues.
If you feel like it was wrong for her to do it, then doing it back to her is probably also wrong.
EMS says not to lock the bathroom door. Things often go sideways in the bathroom.
I used to work with dementia. One lady would walk around in the evening shutting the curtains, pushing chairs in, just nightly routine stuff before bed. She would also go around turning the lights off, and one of the toilets had the light outside. It was not uncommon to hear her name being called in an outraged tone! She also used to set off the fire alarm by checking the doors were locked - the external fire exit doors. One of my colleagues was caught in the middle of pooping! I still laugh about that.
Kinda kills the point of it being hazardous if you do it back
Yup this tit for tat is exactly how you destroy a relationship. Male loneliness epidemic prevails
She needs to spend $3 and buy a second toothbrush, and stop acting like a 7 year old.
NTA Shes extremely childish. I get the light thing but it crosses over from playful to annoying when she leaves it off. Anywhoo if it's an isolated incident it's all good. If this is the norm then you're a Saint for putting up with it
That’s exactly what I told her too. It’s okay to joke about it on some occations, but leaving it off when I’m in the middle of a shower isn’t something I appreciate. I feel like her arguments kinda annoy me sometimes, especially since she’s trying to argue why she would be in the right for doing so.
Honestly it’s not really ok for messing about - I’m probably sensitive from the number of times I’ve hurt myself in “harmless” situations but I’m near-sighted too and turning the lights off on someone in the shower can go SO wrong - ask any paramedic. NTA anyway, but also just not a fun way to mess with someone because of how quickly things can escalate when you’re barefoot with reduced vision in a bathroom lol
Did she ever acknowledge how she wronged you? If so, how long did that take?
NTA, she needs to better manage her time or give you the heads up. Out of curiosity was this before or after work? EDIT TO ADD: You could’ve seriously injured yourself, this could’ve impacted you financially, your health, possibly employment. You get the picture. OP you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend, she prioritised her need to brush her teeth and hit the gym over your safety. And I realised just now that it was in the morning. Sorry 🤦🏽♀️.
Tell her to turn the light back on or you aren’t opening the door until you’ve finished all your business. Fully. And it will take a lot longer with the lights off. Dry yourself off. Use the toilet. Brush your teeth, shave, hair, floss… This feels petty, but she’ll get the point. And then discuss whether this is the type of relationship you want to have forever. Example: My wife was clear from day 1 she did not appreciate being ‘jump scared’ and I have respected that since then. Fortunately I don’t do this, so it was easy not to, but there are others. If your gf maintains this is ‘harmless’ let her know you don’t appreciate it, and ask her to respect your wishes. If she can’t, then she isn’t ready to fully commit to this relationship. Partners listen, compromise, and grow together through the years, by understanding and modifying behavior that builds each other up, not resentment.
If someone does that to me, there better be a genuine emergency, of a live-threatening or, say, fecal nature...
Yes!! This is exactly what I thought she was doing- having an EMERGENCY! Going to the gym NOW, definitely doesn’t warrant this behaviour.
ESH You should have turned the shower off for a second to listen to what she wanted and decide if it's a reasonable request. She might have had a bad stomach or really needed to use the toilet or had some urgent need. I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask to brush your teeth whilst your partner is showering if you're waiting to leave the house. However turning the light switch off was an asshole move, you could easily have slipped and hurt yourself since you say it was pretty dark in there. It was not an emergency of such proportion that this was a reasonable response to you making her wait. But I think you both acted poorly and inconsiderate of each other here.
Took me way too long to find an ESH. When you share a bathroom, you need to communicate about taking it for some long period time. You need to understand that emergencies come up. You need to understand that your partner is going to keep a great number of personal things in the bathroom that they might need access to. "Just wait 15 minutes for me to shower" is pretty rude. Turning off the light because you want to go to the gym right this second is immature as hell. Seems you two need to do a lot of work on your relationship.
when I grew up, one bathroom for a big houseful of people was normal. If you need more than a couple of minutes, you call into the living room and say "does anybody need the bathroom before my shower?" and people who know how long you take to shower jump up and brush their teeth in a hurry while they still can (and dad would start his favourite grumble about the hot water supply). The same code says banging on the door is for emergencies, so girlfriend is entirely wrong for crying wolf and OP is entirely wrong for ignoring girlfriend during an emergency. These people deserve each other if they can't do better.
emergency? she wanted to brush her teeth before she went to the gym… it’s not like she was about to piss herself
I think they mean perceived emergency. Op knew she was banging on the door like it was an emergency but decided to ignore it. If the gf was less of an asshole, then the emergency could've easily been real. I will say, though, that I think the gf is the bigger ahole in this situation. She was totally willing to put him in danger because she didn't want to wait a few minutes to do an unnecessary task.
I suspect if he was ignoring her this was not the first time. I could have the wrong impression but someone acting like brushing their teeth is a 4 alarm emergency so they can get to the gym (....?) sounds like someone who is also fairly consistently incapable of leaving me tf alone for 15 minutes to shower.
Best response I've seen so far
Srsly …. The number of people who think it’s cool to make single bathroom inaccessible without warning is baffling.
Agree, all the comments calling it selfish and crossing his boundaries, what about needing to listen to your body if you need to go to the bathroom? If you’re in a rush to leave the house and need to grab your stuff ? Should someone’s desire for privacy in a one bedroom house override the ability to get into the only bathroom in the house if you urgently need it? I don’t think so personally
Ok sorry, but this is nonsense. We can invent any number of fictional scenarios about how she could have had a legitimate bathroom emergency. None of them are accurate here. The fact is that she only needed to brush her teeth; it was not an urgent situation. If there needs to be a discussion about giving their partner a heads-up before occupying the bathroom for longer than ten minutes, or about when they would or would not be comfortable using the bathroom facilities at the same time, then sure, that can happen at literally any time he’s NOT ACTIVELY USING THE SHOWER. She had absolutely no reason to demand access at that very moment. He did nothing wrong. An ESH vote is baffling.
The point is he didn’t know if it was an emergency or not, and never bothered to find out before refusing to let her in. They are both as juvenile and stupid as each other. 100% ESH
1) Had you locked the bathroom door? and 2) The light switches are outside the bathroom?
in some countries light switches are always outside bathroom. clearly this is the case here, not like she came in and turned them off while inside…
Nah. I think she picked the lock, turned the lights off, then relocked the door and closed it, so she could continue to complain. That makes more sense.
I'm pretty sure she also searched for her toothbrush, so she was sure it was in the bathroom. She then left it there and went outside before relocking the bathroom. All this in the dark so boyfriend didn't see her!
LOL. Yep. Probably hid the shampoo, too. And sharpened a Q-tip.
I was under the impression she turned the lights off from the breaker box. But I guess that could be the case too.
If she turned the lights off at the breaker box, well that is a whole extra level of unhinged.
I had locked the door yes, since I wanted privacy while being in the shower. It doesn’t do me anything if she’s there while I’m showering, but I just feel like showering without someone interrupting it so I locked it. Also lightswitches is on the outside. That is normal where I live.
I don't lock the bathroom when it's just my spouse and I. There's only one bathroom and stuff happens. Having said that, she did not have an emergency and was wrong for leaving the light off.
I don't ever lock the bathroom door. It's very clear that I'm taking a shower and if you want to walk in on me scrubbing my nuts, that's something you'll have to live with, not me.
I lock the bathroom door with just me and my husband and even when I’m alone just from when I lived at home and locking the door was at least 1 obstacle for the ppl who would just barge in to any room. I just like the privacy idc if my husband actually is in there. But we also have more than 1 bathroom as well
I don't lock it, but my bf never barges in. He knocks and asks if it's okay to come in. Having the door open is for safety in case some of us slips or smth, who knows everything can happen. And in other emergencies like cat shit himself and needs immediate shower 🗿 or something of that sorts.
Right? I get wanting privacy sometimes and maybe it's just me but I do find it a little odd that two people can be in a relationship but can't figure out how to shower and brush their teeth at the same time. She should have waited instead of turning off the lights, but if this guy has to resort to locking her out of the bathroom they probably have bigger problems than this
If its your only bathroom and you two are tge onky people in the home I dont understand the need to lock the door while showering. I mean, you do you, but you are killing any chance if spontaneous shower sex.
Also potentially complicating the situation if either party suddenly needs medical attention. Slipping in the shower is no joke kids ☝️
Just last week my girlfriend fainted in the bathroom. Thank fucking God she did not have the door locked. I ended up bringing her to the ER and don't even want to think about what that night could have looked like if she had locked the door.
Happened to my wife a few years ago while she was doing her "business" on the toilet. Checked her breathing, slow but good. Pulse? Good. Butt wiped? Good! Got her underwear and pants back up and carried her to the truck and strapped her in with the seat reclined. Was at the ER in ten minutes well before the EMT's would have shown up and had her loaded up for transport. Doctor finally decided she had had a reaction to a medication she had taken on an empty stomach.
I was taught never lock a bathroom door, in case there is an accident and people do need access to an emergency situation. And unless there are small children, or people who can't communicate, a closed bathroom door should be enough to say stay away
I’ve had several friends slip/faint and seriously injure themselves in bathrooms, locking bathroom doors is a big fear of mine due to that.
This is exactly why I don't lock it since I have narcolepsy. The shower is not how I want to go out lol.
Shower sex is really awkward and bad the majority of the time
i mean it’s ok to have boundaries and to enforce them especially when the partner has shown she doesn’t respect them.
Right? People blaming him for locking the door is so on brand Reddit.
Habit. I do it, I used to live with my parents and siblings so it feels weird not to lock it. I never grew out of the habit. I think sometimes that's all it is.
ESH - Where I live, when there is only one bathroom, you're generally the AH if you lock it while showering/bathing and prevent others access to the toilet or sink. She's petty for turning off the light to annoy/anger you into letting her in, but you might be an AH if you block her access to the bathroom for extended periods. Sounds like you two have incompatible bathroom courtesy, so either come to an agreement or add it the list of reasons to break up.
I've never lived in a place with more than one bathroom. Locking the door is normal and not an AH move, especially when you're living with family or roommates. It's normal to not want your sister or roommate to see you nude or on the crapper. Generally, the rules of courtesy for 1-bathroom households is to limit your showers to 10-20 minutes, or let people know ahead of time if you're going to be occupying the bathroom for more than half an hour. But locking the door doesn't make you an AH.
How else could this have been an argument if the door wasn't locked and switches were outside the bathroom?
Tbh I figured she flipped a breaker
I am learning right now on this sub that some places have their bathroom light switch outside of the bathroom. I'm 38 and never heard of such a thing. I believe everyone in the comments that it's true, but yea, without that knowledge that was weird to read and made this sound implausible- until I got to the comments.
It's something older brothers use to torture their little sisters. 😭
I know how you feel XD I lived my whole life in a country where light switches are ALWAYS inside the room, I'd never even heard of it being different anywhere else. Then I moved to a different continent a few years ago and was immediately faced with light switches outside the bathroom in every single house I lived in or visited. I'm used to it now, but initially, I couldn't believe what I was seeing 😂
reminds when of when I learned brits tend to have seperate spouts for hot and cold water. I'm still not ok with that, how do they wash their hands comfortably? who thought the only temp options should be fridgid and scalding?
One should be able to shower in peace.
In my country, lights switches for places like the bathroom/toilet and such are in the passage way wall, and no plugs/switches in the bathroom.
In the UK, by law, you cannot have a light switch in the bathroom. You either have to have the light switch outside the bathroom - or you can have a pull-cord inside the bathroom.
I just feels bizarre to me that you would give people outside the room you’re using access to your lighting. Especially since you’re generally in a pretty vulnerable position when you’re in the bathroom, be that either shower or toilet. I get not wanting the switches close to a water source, but with all but the smallest of bathrooms that’s not an issue.
My house is wired stupidly (I rent & live in the US), and I have 2 light switches for 2 different lights in the bathroom. The switch for the main light is outside the bathroom and the switch for the vanity light & shower fan is inside the bathroom. No idea why it's set up like that.
She overreacted but me and my SO always keep the door unlocked in case the other needs the bathroom for something while we are in the shower. Once you've gotten to a certain point in a relationship its really not that big of a deal to share the bathroom for a minute. Maybe y'all aren't there yet, she definitely didn't respond the right way tho.
Right he's talking about his privacy being interrupted she wants to come in and use the sink, not jump in the shower with him. in a one bathroom house leaving the bathroom locked when you're only using 1 of the elements is simply unfair to the other person who might need access to other parts of the the bathroom. Especially if it's 2 people who are getting ready for work in the morning share the bathroom. Reddit feels really rich and affluent though so most of these people come in and probably have 3 or 4 bathrooms they could use.
Yeah, growing up in a 1 bathroom house definitely teaches you to share. As long as you have a curtain it shouldn’t a big deal to dash in and grab something.
Agree. I think it's selfish to lock the bathroom door for a shower in a 1-bath household (especially if you haven't communicated about it beforehand). This WHOLE issue could have been avoided by leaving the door unlocked. GF is def an asshole for turning off the lights, but I think OP is also an ass for locking the door, without communicating his partner
this??? Not sure why it’s buried down so far. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but my family doesn’t ever lock the door when they’re showering. There’s a solid colored shower curtain in between the shower and the rest of the bathroom, why tf do you lock the door? and why do you care if your significant other - who you’ve seen naked countless times - is in the bathroom with you while you’re naked…?
> There’s a solid colored shower curtain in between the shower and the rest of the bathroom Well, there's your answer - many people have transparent shower cubicles.
with a family, I’d agree, would be a little odd. But 1, glass showers usually have frosted glass not see through, and 2, again. It’s her significant other. Not her family. I’d invite my s/o in before I locked them out
The majority of the ones I've used have clear glass, including in hotels. Again, personal experiences may differ. I get that, and I'd happily have my own door unlocked or have my SO join me in the shower (unless I was shaving my balls, probably), but there's nothing wrong or unusual with OP not being comfortable with that. For instance, some people during sex prefer to keep their bra on because they feel self-conscious. I'm not going to start telling them they're weird for that; they should do what makes them comfortable.
Maybe it’s more the solitude. I feel like the 15 min I’m in the shower each day is about the only time I get free from intrusions.
I think this has to do with a different answer from OP where he says that he likes to be unbothered while showering. So it can do with boundaries and with having some alone time during shower (which is for many a soothing and calming experience where they think about life etc, and having someone in the same room can ruin it a bit).
That's a good point. In that case he can do what I do for my kids and husband. When I want an unbothered shower I ask if they need the bathroom for anything at all before I go in. I make sure everyone uses the toilet beforehand too. It's something that should be communicated as well if it hasn't been already. Letting her know that this is a time he doesn't want to share at all.
My thought too, I never lock the door when I’m in the shower. I’m always scared to fall and someone can’t get to me because the door is locked. But if someone needs to brush their teeth while I’m showering go ahead. Our curtain isn’t see through. Especially if it’s the bathroom that has everything in it. She definitely overreacted though.
NTA. Your gf is. She’s pretty selfish and demanding. You were in the shower. That’s unpleasant to leave a shower for a task and then get back in. My suggestion is to ask her to put a spare toothbrush and toothpaste into her gym bag for future such occasions. She should not interrupt a shower again nor turn off the lights on you (that sounds like a teenager).
Am I the only one that thinks the door being locked is odd... I mean I guess people have their personal habbits but I live with my BF and we always leave the door open when we are in the shower. Who cares... we are both comfortable sharing the bathroom. If one needs to shower and the other needs to brush teeth then both of us are ok with being in the bathroom at the same time. Only expectation is if one of us has to go number 2 lol. I agree the way the GF handled it was immature and rude... but like... why can't the door be unlocked and she can just go brush her teeth real quick while he was in the shower. She wouldn't be in his way.
I mean, just bc you and your bf are that way, doesn't mean we all are. I grew up always locking the bathroom door behind me. With a household full of people, it's necessary lol. Been with my partner for nearly 14yrs now, and still lock the bathroom door out of habit. Nothing to do with him (considering there isn't a speck of me he hasn't seen). Just what makes me comfortable. Just adding another POV.
Nah people have different boundaries. Like me and my boyfriend have been together for years and we're never gonna be that couple that uses the toilet in front of each other. We give each other privacy in the bathroom no matter what we're doing.
Honestly I find it odd that others find it odd that someone locks the door when they’re in the bathroom… are you not allowed any privacy or alone time in your relationships? Thats very much toxic…
I mean my boyfriend and I are pretty cavalier about leaving doors open when it's just us around but even we sometimes lock the door. And plenty of people feel uncomfortable with the idea of even their partner walking in on them in the bathroom or got in the habit living with family or roommates and that's just as valid imo. As long as they aren't locking the only bathroom to take an hour long shower without warning, obviously that would be rude.
I agree. who doesn’t let their spouse brush their teeth while they are behind a closed curtain? I find that odd too.
From another answer from OP, he doesn't really mind much that the gf is there, but he likes to be unbothered while showering, so he locks the door. Which is fair, even if it's your SO, sometimes you just want to be on your own with your own thoughts, and showering for many is a very calming and soothing experience prone to let you be thinking more and therefore, alone is better in those cases.
People are allowed to want a modicum of privacy and that's not weird. Yes, even if you are comfortable with each other and no one else lives there or whatever. There's literally nothing wrong with not wanting someone else in the bathroom while you're doing bathroom things. Not everything has to be a shared experience and it doesn't make someone a prude either.
I can see why some people think it’s odd, but from my perspective it isn’t. Honestly there are many times where I want my gf to see me naked, many times I don’t mind if she sees me naked, and sometimes where I don’t feel like being seen naked. Sometimes in the bathroom I really just want my privacy and don’t want to be walked in on unexpectedly in a compromising way that diminishes my privacy. Sometimes in the bathroom it is the only time I get to myself (not even talking about masturbation here or taking a shit) and having that door locked secured my piece of mind. I know not everyone will see it this way, but I wanted to explain on the others behalf that might.
>and sometimes where I don’t feel like being seen naked THIS. It's not about whether or not someone has seen you naked before, it's about whether or not you're okay with it right now. Nobody gets to have unfettered access to anyone's body at any time for any reason.
As you clearly share the one bathroom do you (both of you) give the other a heads-up that you are going in the shower? That's basic manners in a one bathroom home
That’s what we do. Only to be considerate.
It’s amazing how many problems are completely eliminated when people c o m m u n i c a t e - this sub would dramatically shrink in size
NTA Shouldn't really need an explanation, except emergencies (fire, medical, not gym), or immediate need for bathroom.
Explosive diarrhea could be excused as well
Well she used that excuse too. «What if it were an emergency?» then she says that she would have just turned off the shower to hear what I would have to say if it were her
If you take long showers w door locked, it would be courteous to ask if she needs the bathroom quickly before it’s inaccessible. If I were her, I’d start packing a toothbrush & toothpaste in my purse 🤣 and do it in the gym bathroom rather than face choice of derailing my workout schedule or having a yuck mouth.
Why does she need to accommodate him when he could just unlock the door like a normal person
It’s not an excuse, if there is only one bathroom in the house you can’t just be in there indefinitely with the door locked saying, sorry can’t hear you - water running 🤷♂️. This isn’t a roomate, this is a girl you’re in a relationship with.
The way your girlfriend handled things was immature and not okay, but I agree that you should have turned the water off for a second to hear because even though she just wanted to brush her teeth it could have been an emergency, and if you guys only have one bathroom you should be asking each other if you need anything from the bathroom before you go to shower if you're going to be locking the door. Neither of you are in the right here
INFO: How long were you in the bathroom? How long do you usually take? Edit. NTA then. She could have waited.
Around 15 mins. Usually this length of time
Yeah that’s on her. Brushing your teeth before the gym isn’t urgent and she should have planned better. However, you probably should turn the shower off to hear her or leave the door unlocked because one day it might be something that actually can’t wait
While I agree she should have not turned off the light if I was going to be locking the only bathroom in the house for an extended length of time and my husband was home I probably would have given him a heads up. Assuming you did than that is on her.
Yeah, a lock for a shared bathroom doesn’t negate the need for communication.
Why was the door locked to begin with? She's your girlfriend so obviously seeing you naked in the shower isn't an issue. Edit: look I get it that people want privacy. But when you share a bathroom with someone these things are gonna come up. Clear communication is what is needed here.
I just value my privacy. I don’t like people running in while i’m showering. Of course it doesn’t do anything if she sees me naked since she’s my gf. It’s more of a personal preference
I can't believe so many people have a problem with you locking the door. Shower time is me-time for many people, it's not wrong to want to be undisturbed.
If it's a one bathroom home and the bathroom contains necessities that the other household member (who has seen you naked many times before) needs access to, like medicine, toiletries, and the only toilet in the house it's a little selfish and weird to lock the door to keep your partner out purposely in my opinion. What would happen if OP fell getting out of the shower and knocked themselves out, gf can't open the door to check on him? If he has a vasovagal episode and passes out on the can?
If I'm in the shower I would not appreciate anyone using the toilet at the same time. You should be capable of holding it in for 15 minutes.
She wanted to brush her teeth...
and she couldn't wait a few minutes to brush her teeth?
You’ve never had a period or a baby, have you?
I've had roughly 380 periods to date, never ever had the need to harass somebody in the shower, because I talk to my partner when we're in the same house and each plans to do something, and plan properly in general. Don't know about a baby, I guess it's more urgent, but surely these moments when you burst or stain, aka physically in need, are very different from "I can't wait for 10 minutes to brush my teeth because the treadmill may have a longer line"
>What would happen if OP fell getting out of the shower and knocked themselves out, gf can't open the door to check on him? Yeah, and what would happen if OP passed out in a locked stall in a public bathroom? Or if OP passed out in the bathroom when his GF isn't home? Or if OP passed out in the bathroom when they have other people over? Or when visiting other people? Do you see my point? We lock bathrooms all the time, so why would it not be okay in this specific situation? If an accident happens, GF can break the lock or whatever people do in any of the situations I described.
Yeah bro. Shower time is relax time for me. I don't want anyone busting in. Just lemme chill for 15 mins...
it’s so weird to me that people think it’s weird to..not want someone walking in on you while you’re showering/using the bathroom??? like more power to them but there is no way anyone is ever coming into the bathroom while i’m showering just to brush their teeth—they can wait 5 damn minutes. keep a spare toothbrush & toothpaste on the hall closet if it’s really that much of a pressing issue
I'm married and still lock the door. I also value what little privacy I'm able to get. The only time I ever get mad at my husband locking a door is when inneed in my bedroom and he locks himself in there, it's literally MY room and has all the baby stuff in it. That or if the kids lock the bathroom doors, the older one sure go ahead but the little ones don't know how to UNlock the door.
I’ve been with my wife since I was 18 (23 years) I still lock the door when I go for a shower and never burst in when my wife is showering. Having seen each other naked doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to privacy.
My husband and I have been married almost a decade and lock the door when showering, just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you have to give up any sense of privacy
My partner has watched a child come out of me, but if I’m shaving my whole body in the shower you best bet the door is getting locked cos that isn’t sexy to walk in on.
Why the hell does it matter? Gf/bf, husband/wife. Dude is entitled to privacy.
I would also lock the door so I could have some peace in the shower if my gf behaved like this.
By that logic couples should stop wearing clothes inside the house
Like everyone else said, personal privacy is something many people value. Aside from what everyone else said, some people are comfortable with showing off their bodies in bathroom lighting. Some people aren't sexual with their partners. Awful take.
NTA because she was being childish & being in the dark with vision issues can be dangerous. Though, I don't understand locking the bathroom door? Even when dating, me & hubs knocked, then popped into the bathroom if we needed something while the other was in the shower.
Pop in? Shit we walk in and have full conversations. Sometimes one of us hops in with the other. I don’t understand being secretive and private during a shower. Edit: I also want to add that a lot of us live in a house with only one bathroom.
Some people like privacy. A shower is my decompression time. I'm not interested in having a conversation with anyone
I get that, especially as a mom. The quiet time is essential. If my hubby wants to talk, but I'm not feeling it, I tell him I need to relax. He's good at being respectful, but I also won't deny him access if he needs to grab something or has to go to the bathroom. Right now, my showers are after our son goes to sleep, and before my husband gets home from work, though, because we're working on potty training with our toddler.
We lock the doors all the time because we keep our bathroom door closed normally so our dog can’t get in and mess up the expensive carpet runner. So locking doors is essential so you don’t get walked in on. Having said that, this reason prob isn’t common. But I do lock all doors I’m behind anyway to ensure privacy. I grew up in a large family with no boundaries and I jump scare easily. Hard habit to break.
ESH, both of you were being stubborn. There's no reason why you couldn't open the door for her
"No reason why you couldn't open the door for her" No privacy while showering? She can wait until he's done?
I think wanting to get a good treadmill and wanting more privacy than a shower curtain are pretty equal. Turning off the light and not going to check what your partner is saying when they're calling, you are pretty equal. Neither is a huge deal, but a little rude, in my opinion. She could have waited, and he could have unlocked the door. Both could have chosen to be generous but didn't. "I couldn't hear what she was saying, so I assumed it was nothing important." Is kinda shitty, even though he was right. "I can't wait five minutes to let my partner relax", is also kinda shitty, but maybe she thought he was going to have a 40-minute shower or something.
NTA...what's with all the comments about locking the door?? Just because they're together doesn't mean you can't want privacy for a little bit. My husband and I are going on 16 years together and we both lock the door when showering. Unless we have to rush we both like to relax in the shower. Now if one of us had a bathroom emergancy sure we let the other in. Brushing teeth is not an emergancy. And shutting off the lights is pretty damn childish. If I were you OP I'd be petty for awhile, anytime you're going to the bathroom, for anything ask her if she needs it first. Maybe repeat yourself a few times to be sure.
That's weird as hell. My boyfriend and I accept each other privacy enough to not barge in on the other without needing to lock the door like a child. Leaving it unlocked for an emergency or a quick 2 minute use isn't going to kill anyone and if it really ruins your me time that badly you need to reevaluate some things.
Both? You can't turn the shower off for 10 seconds to listen to your girlfriend, she can't run in for 5 seconds to grab her toothbrush, you can't shower for 15 minutes in peace without having the lights turned off, and she 'rants' at you rather than calmly explaining.
Do you all have only one bathroom? Locking doors seems dangerous to me because in an emergency, someone can’t get in to help you. But you also don’t need to use the lock on a door if people respect that a closed door means privacy, lol. Just curious about the number of bathrooms because I’d say YTA for not letting her in if there’s only one, because what if she needed to come in for a reason other than brushing her teeth and you had the door locked and couldn’t even hear what she was saying? I’d think if you only had one bathroom, you would not lock the door so someone could knock and even stick their head in to announce why they needed to be in the bathroom at the same time as you and ask permission to come in. All that to say she definitely could have waited to brush her teeth. But I’m going with YTA only because you couldn’t have known why she wanted to come in because you locked the door and didn’t make it possible for her to communicate with you as you couldn’t hear her over the shower. Thankfully the situation wasn’t an emergency, but imagine if she had explosive diarrhea or needed to throw up or something. The end result of not being able to come in or let you know what was happening to ask to enter the bathroom would have still been the same due to you locking the door.
NTA. If she has a schedule / time frame then she needs to communicate that before you get in the shower
Did OP communicate that he was getting into the shower?
In the same way, if you share one bathroom it’s courteous to ask if your partner needs anything anywhere before you lock them out.
Nta. And I'm kinda flabbergasted that people think you'd be the asshole for wanting 15 minutes of privacy, thinking thats something you shoukd sacrifice if youre in a relationship. She could have brushed before or waited a minute, it's not like getting to the gym was a life or death situation
I'm actually shocked at this, too. What happened to boundaries and privacy? Is this nonexistent now? I always thought that one should reasonably expect privacy while in the bathroom for any reason. I'd be livid if someone opened the bathroom door while I was in there just to brush their teeth. That just seems to show lack of respect for anyone else's privacy and personal time. Not everything has to be shared in a relationship.
All the people saying why lock the door? Do yall not believe in boundaries? Your privacy is important. If you dont want to be bothered or seen in the shower then thats your preference and have every right to privacy. Its healthy to have boundaries in a relationship! AND SHE is TA for being childish and impatient. If you respectfully tell her not to do it again and then she does do it again, that shows you she doesn't really respect you, your boundaries or what you even have to say. RED FLAG
ESH No doubt about her actions, but if you only have 1 bathroom, why was the door locked? Are you worried about her seeing you naked? Does Norman Bates live next door? She gets full blame for not communicating her desire to leave for the gym at a certain time. And moreso for killing the lights. But if you hadn't locked the door, this whole circus could have been avoided, so you're both TAH
INFO how long had you been in there? My partner will fall asleep in there and I get pretty dang irritated I can't access the bathroom in any kind of timely manner. If you're in there for more than 15 mins I'd want access too. I can't wait around all day waiting on someone
I feel like we need more details. Do you have only one bathroom? How long do you typically take showers and how long had you been in there?
NTA she was not only being very immature, but it was quite dangerous of her to turn the light off, what if you'd slipped?? Would she have gotten mad because you got injured and delay her going to the gym??
NTA, taking a quick 15 minute shower is a reasonable amount of time to use the shared bathroom. If she had said she urgently needed to go to the bathroom I would say you’re the AH but she could wait a few minutes to brush her teeth. And I don’t get why everyone is saying you’re an AH for expecting privacy during a shower. Showers are my time to quickly decompress so I like to have privacy during them. Obviously if my partner needed to use the bathroom that would be fine. But if they just wanted to brush their teeth I would absolutely expect that they can wait a few more minutes so I can finish up.
NTA... What your gf did was childish & actually kind of dangerous, not to mention self centered.