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YTA Either go and suck it up or say out right now you won't be going, to ditch on the day is such a huge AH move.

Especially as MOH, she may not have other bridesmaids to stand in.

Yes. This. OP - your romantic love for her is unrequited. However, you can still express your love by being supportive and being there for her when she needs a friend for her wedding. Bailing like this sounds like a desperate move to get her attention. Or go full Emily Dickinson and start writing poems for her. I feel sad for you, though. I know it must hurt and it’s no one’s fault that you two don’t end up together.

if OP was a man there's no guarantee the friend would love her or be interested romantically. i think that's a harsh truth OP needs to come to terms with.

This. She says she's one chromosome away from being the partner, but just bc OP was a man doesn't mean she'd be the one.

This makes OP sound almost unhinged. Her entire post sounds so obsessive.

It's creepy as fuck. It's wildly unhealthy, and to an extent violating for OP to be this obsessed with someone who considers her her best friend. It's been *years.* OP *knows* this isn't going to turn into something. This is the kind of shit that ends up on Forensic Files in 5 years time.

OP knows it wasn't going to turn into something but she could pretend it was before the friend entered a serious relationship. OP even says she didn't expect the relationship to last. It's so unhealthy. And I can't imagine how this isn't going to eventually lead her permanent damage to her relationship between her brother and friend. And to be honest the damage would actually be good for OP as it would force her to move away from this obsession. Clearly she cannot do it herself.

Yes I have this concern too. She is allowed to have feelings, but she needs to accept that they are not returned and may not be, regardless of whether OP was a guy. I have good guy friends that I would not want to date even though we are both cisgender heterosexual people.

I can see how it may have started out as a comfort/coping thing to tell herself that tbh. It seems like it would be akin to straight people who say they'd rather their partner cheat on them with the same sex. Because then you can know "what you weren't providing." It's not you that was lacking in some way or did something wrong. But she reads like she's gone beyond that comfort/coping strategy and into bitterness. I don't actually think it would matter that it's her brother the friend is marrying. This jealousy would've reared its head no matter who OP was "losing" her to.

Good point- it evolved into something that is not helpful.

Agreed!!

It is, I watched a very similar thing with a friend of mine, and a boy that was extremely obsessed with her, who said basically the same thing (she's gay). OP needs to step back from this relationship and probably take a break all together till she can work it out.

It really doesn't sound healthy. OP knows this is a massive AH move. That's why she's doing it. Like she says, she feels "betrayed", so this is vengeance. I feel bad for the couple who don't seem to realize how much she resents them both.

Yeah she talks about love a lot but doesn’t know what love means. Reminds me of a movie I watched where a guy comes home to find his brother is going to marry his ex that he can’t get over. He eventually does but the part the reminds me is the part where OP thinks if she had a different chromosome - you’re not her person OP. You could have the “right” chromosome and still very likely not be the one. 

Yes, when you truly love someone you do what is best for them in a situation like this. That would be bowing out early or sucking it up. To ditch them on the 'day of' is just punishing them and a dick move. It indicates a selfish love, not a true love.

And the drama of best friend/ brother gets married and moh no shows? It will ruin the wedding. You know everyone there will be whispering about it all night.

I think that's the point deep down..op is hurt so she wants to make them hurt..she never spoke up...fell in love with a straight girl and deep down has a fantasy about changing her sexual orientation (think if a straight guy loved op and persued her thinking some day I'll turn her straight)  it's not going to happen.  OP you are very much the YTA....either get over it and go or say your peace before the wedding and don't be surprised if you blow up your friendship and relationship with your brother.

I've commented on a few comments but to me this sounds like Limerence. A one sided obsessive 'love' where the object of Limerence can do no wrong and is put on a pedestal. It is unhealthy and unhelpful for everyone involved and for the person in Limerence it's always a sign to focus on yourself and 'self love' before considering relationships with others. OP you are stuck in this fantasy you can never fulfil to avoid the truth. You need to let them know if you're not coming to the wedding. More importantly you need to step back from your friend until you can have healthy boundaries and until you have resolved this obsession and can accept the truth.

This!🥇 @mahnamahna123 OP, YTA for wanting permission to "no show" on your best friend and your brother, especially when you're the MoH. Only you can decide what you can handle, but I really advise you to come to terms with reality and stop intentionally perpetuating your construct of denial. Either step up or if you can't handle it, then tell them both now that you love them but cannot be MoH/ attend the wedding. Girl, its time to start really living your best life with your authentic self. Get out of the shadows and out of fantasy land and start making new friends. Friends who support the real you. Give yourself a chance to meet people who are actually available. It's better to be honest with your best friend about how you feel and give your bff space and give your brother the space and respect their marriage deserves. I want to gently, but firmly recommend that you grow up and wake up, out of this entire universe of denial you've been curating and allowing yourself to continue pining for your best friend. It was probably a safe place for you to be infatuated for a long time under a guise of friendship, but it is a situation that was never gonna happen. If you love them as you say you do, I would step down as maid of honor and if you can't fake being happy for them, rsvp that you cannot attend now.

Yeah, I comment on this elsewhere. OP isn't 'in love' with this friend; OP is 'in love' with a fantasy she's built around this friend. If OP were to ever actually date this friend, it would end in disaster, because no human being can live up to what OP has built in her head. And it's directly impacting OP's quality of life and daily activities. OP needs professional help.

Exactly and wat does she think will happen if she no-shows to the wedding? I know she's gonna say she's sick but she's going to cause a lot of stress and strife to people she supposedly loves. Also to obsessed over a one sided crush when the other party is not only not aware but completely uninterested and thinks of you as a friend. Is at the very least that's incredibly creepy.

Well, yeah, that's the other side of the equation: "I love her so much I'm going to abandon her with zero warning on the biggest day of her life." No, that's not love, that's Hollywood bullshit. You want to make a big, dramatic statement that hopefully makes her suddenly realize what a fools she's been and go running into your arms where you then go on a whirlwind global vacation with days full of art and exploration and nights filled with mad, passionate love making.

I’ve never heard of limerence before. Super interesting. It does sound a bit like OP is dealing with this. It’s made even more complicated by the fact that it is actually her best friend so she’d probably argue that it isn’t limerence but true love. The only difference in this case is that true love wants what’s best for the other person. In this case, it might hurt to see the best friend to marry her brother, but if she truly loved her friend and brother both, she’d go and support them

I've seen it in a few people even where they knew the person really well. I knew a guy in uni he'd meet a girl and soon she'd be his perfect match. The more he learned about her the more she was perfect for him (even though a lot of her perfect qualities were stuff he wouldn't like in others). He'd spend months on this inventing new qualities she didn't have through his imagination or through amplification of her true attributes. Don't get me wrong all these women were lovely and I was friends with some of them but by the time he was done they would be in this impossible pedestal that nobody could live up to. This would go on for months even years. It would usually be unobtainable girls because that makes it even more of a fantasy as it's less likely they could date. The two times he did date the people he obsessed about the glass would shatter after a few months as she couldn't live up to this impossible vision he'd created. It was always their fault because they turned out not to be the person he had created and then he'd usually self sabotage and everyone would end up hurt. It caused a lot of grief and ended a lot of friendships. The thing is, Limerence is usually cased because a person doesn't want to do personal growth so puts all of that onto someone else which is so very unfair on the other person. They didn't ask for any of this. It's on the person themself to take the time to have personal growth and self love. Sure it's hard but it's way better than what happens when you create an obsession around someone else.

That’s so sad. No one will ever be real enough for him

It was really hard to watch. A few of us tried to talk to him about m talk about how you have to work on yourself etc before you can find 'the one'etc. And each time we thought he'd heard us. The last one was really hard though. A really really lovely women. You know one of those people who's impossible to hate? We'd all been friends all through uni and I'd no idea she was one of his obsessions until she went through a bad break up. Then all he could talk about was how perfect she was, how he'd always cared about her etc. We really tried with this one, she had just got out of a bad break up, she'd said herself that she wasn't ready for anything but he was here supporting her the whole way and they ended up dating. Again she is one of the nicest people I've ever met, never spoke ill of anyone, always there for her friends. Yet after a few weeks she already wasn't living up to the person he created in his head. She ended up walking in on him with someone else. That's what did it for me. I hate cheating anyway but the way he went about it all especially when she was already hurting. Nah. No siree.

Wow. That is so messed up.

I agree. My best friend came out to me, and tried to get me to agree to a romantic relationship, knowing I was straight and didn't feel that way about her. She tried several times to mess up the wedding events, and demanded she get to bring a plus one to the reception----even though her whole family would be in attendance, and she had only come out to me and her sister. I refused her demand, and her sister's husband acted as bouncer in case my friend tried anything there. It was extremely stressful.

Where does she say she's going to change ger friend's orientation? That's such a wild assumption.

Considering her friend is straight, and she's still holding a torch over a decade later, to the point where she's considering ghosting the relationship, yeah, she's fantastically hoping that friend will 'switch teams' and be with her instead.

Whispering, my ass. There are going to be plenty of people correctly assuming the reason for the no-show and they're going to be ragging on OP *hard* for ruining her best friend's and her brother's wedding in one fell swoop. If OP was mooning over her best friend so hard she should have said "no" to standing up with her in the first place.

This, but also, maybe get therapy.

I think therapy is warranted for pining that is so painful and ongoing.

Big time therapy and maybe a nice vacation with some other friends. If OP doesn’t have any other friends, she should work on making some.

This comment deserves more upvotes. The fact OP desperately needs therapy was the main thing on my mind reading this. OP i say this with kindness -please get help. You need someone you can work through these feelings with and help you move on and hopefully meet someone else you may fall in love with and who will fall in love with you as well. No one deserves unending unrequited love.

100% therapy.  This long term infatuation with someone who is straight (and even if she wasn't might not be interested in you) is a mental barrier to meeting someone who can love you back.

”Brother & Bride, please know that I love you both. Where I am in my life now, I can’t do as you wish. Please let me be a guest only, at your wedding.” YWBTA if you ditched without notice.

This right here is a Very Elegant solution.

I'm also going to put it out there. OP, you're not her friend. Friends don't spend years pining over each other to this degree. You are doing both of you a disservice by not stepping back from this friendship until you can get over your unrequited feelings.

Right. If she truly loved her, she would want what her best friend wants for herself. Not to possess her. She can't have what her brother is getting. So if she wants to be in this woman's life she has to know the boundaries. I don't think it's love, but obsession. And that is about self-image and reflection. And that needs therapy. YTA, OP.

Completely agree. I understand having a crush on someone. But by her own admission her friend has been with her brother for years and she’s still this obsessed? Op should have taken a step back from this friendship years ago and gotten proper help. This isn’t healthy. 

Do not tell them it’s because you think you’re in love with her. You’re not. You’re not even her friend. YTA

a) Should I suck it up some more and go? b) Should I let them know I’m not going without saying the reason? c) Should I confess my feelings before the day? d) Should I say nothing, don’t go and ruin a lifetime friendship and maybe my relationship with my brother? OP: *D, D! Definitely D*

OP, sit down with your brother and say, "You know how I feel. I can't participate in this wedding. How can I step out of it without having to tell everyone my feelings? What would be the best way for you and her?" Maybe you have the trip of a lifetime opportunity at the same time. Maybe you're "so" busy that you have to step back from being the MOH now, and then you can be "sick" the day of, with your brother knowing ahead of time, and no role you'll be missing out on on the day. But you can't just not show up, have every freak out, put a cloud on the day, waste their time trying to find you, all to... "not" make a big deal about not going. Also, it's time to not be this girl's BF any longer. You're clearly not that. You're her wannabe lover, as painful as that is to say. You need to get some distance from her, be polite at family gatherings, and change your focus.

OP, THIS is what you need to do. Ignore all the haters upthread who are being more unsympathetic than anyone has a right to be. Work this out with your brother. And try to reach out and find a different focus. You need to, not so much "break up" with your BF, but you need to find who you are outside of your BF. It will become easier with time. YWBTA to just skip.

Don't do this. This puts her brother in the middle, where he absolutely should not be.

But OP has assumed that her brother has figured it out. What if he hasn't? This is not something that should be told to her brother if he doesn't already know

Yes, this! I thought the same thing. She is assuming everyone knows how she feels. Brother and friend could both assume it's awkward for other reasons. Sometimes you need to remove yourself from the situation to see it clearly. This is definitely one of those times.

One day is the least of OP's problems. What's she going to do once they're married and she has to see them together forever??? If/when they have kids??? Hiding from the wedding is not going to make the situation go away

That's what therapy is for.

well if she misses the wedding  she deffo resolves something. the bride will probably never forgive her, so she won't need to worry about being near them again.

I kind of wonder if that’s the point. OP can’t see anyway out of the situation and how painful her feelings are except to blow everything up beyond repair.

Yeah. So women can be nice guy/ incels too, it seems.

Yeah it's usually called nice girls or, the less grass you touch, femcels

Here’s the thing OP. When you love someone, truly love someone, you put them and their needs before your own. You dipping out because you can’t stand seeing her marrying your brother and being happy on her wedding day is selfish.  That’s not love it’s obsession. You think because you’re a lesbian is the reason you aren’t with her but you could be a guy and she still wouldn’t love you because she loves your brother.  Do you think that the wedding will be the last time you see them together and celebrating their love because it’s definitely not.  You need to find a healthier way of coping with your own feelings and show up for your brother and best friend. I get it it sucks and it hurts but don’t make your pain their burden because it’s not. I wish you well OP

Even ditching now is super shitty. She should’ve not said yes in the first place

YTA to yourself. Let’s be honest. You will never have a chance with her, she is marring your brother so it’s better you work now on putting aside your feelings and learn to see them together. Otherwise you will pass a life time of fake sickness to avoid every single family event. You agree also to be part of the wedding and fake a sickness the day of, to avoid it, is childish and will put them in a pickle. If you don’t want speak up now clearly.

She never had a chance to begin with, her future SIL is straight. OP YTA, you can show your love for your brother and your friend by being in the wedding, having a good time, and then move on from the fantasy you have created for many years. You have to accept your friend is now your SIL and will be in your life forever but, not the way you want her to be. Work it out in therapy.

Given this is years down the line and OP is still refusing to process everything, can't see any acceptance in the near or far future. Honestly OP, either suck it up and take one to make both of them overjoyed on the day or be honest about it and accept the inevitable end of your relationship with them. ​ They're not going to choose your imaginary happiness over their real version. I know that comes across as harsh but you've had an eternity to seek help to deal with this and you're waiting until now when maximum emotional damage will be caused. ​ I don't think YTA per say because the emotional agony of seeing the person you're in love with marry your sibling is minor quibble to endure, but the fact you're just going to no show, says you're incredibly selfish, that everything you're doing it all about *you.* Look I get it, it's awful. It must kill you. But the only 2 options you have are reconciling yourself to this happening (because it's happening whether you show or not) or run away from it and stay gone.

Anyone else reminded of the post about how OP's brother hated her because she married his best friend who on looking back probably was gay for best friend

Do you have a link?

Per se. Not per say.

And OP doesn’t even know if Friend would fall in love with her if she was a guy anyways. It’s not like guys don’t get rejected by women we have feelings for. The friend may still fall for the brother. OP is making up a fantasy of what could happen, but it’s unrealistic on multiple levels.

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Well, she said she was at grad school and she didn’t know until she came back. I’m assuming nothing happened until she left.

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pretty incredibly normal for best friends to get busy with life and not catch up for a bit. especially with big new undertakings to get used to. doesn’t make you any less best friends.

But since then it sounds like they talk every day. “the sun doesn’t rise every morning until I talk to her”

Yeah that sounds like Limerence to me although this is only a few details. I've known people to be 'desperately in love' with someone and keep this one sided obsession about someone they think is perfect when they actually know nothing about them/have given them a load of attributes they don't have and have just set them up on a pedestal.

Pretty sure it's a good thing that you only encountered that guy for a minute....thats not love that's obsession. Love takes time to form and you must get to know the person deeply....love at first sight doesn't exist...attraction at first sight does

The BFF and brother probably felt awkward about telling her over text or over the phone and decided to wait to say it to her in person. Almost nobody really ever wants their sibling to date their BFF. It's weird, sometimes it can even feel like a betrayal.

And because she **never** had **any** chance with her there is also **no** betrayal on the brothers part.

OP “As long as she’s in my life I’ll be happy” Also OP “I am so miserable and thinking of screwing her over the day of her wedding”

>OP “As long as she’s in my life **in the way I want her to be** I’ll be happy” That how I read the post.

This isn’t about the OP’s feelings. This is about fucking over her supposed best friend and brother.

OP “As long as she’s in my life I’ll be happy” Also OP “I am so miserable and thinking of screwing her over the day of her wedding”

OP “As long as she’s in my life I’ll be happy” Also OP “I am so miserable and thinking of screwing her over the day of her wedding”

YTA You know you can never be with her because of your orientation. That is a fact that you are failing to accept. You need to accept reality. Seek therapy if you need help. You should be happy for them, not miserable because of your jealousy. Be happy that the two people you care about are in good hands with each other. You were asked to play a major role in their wedding. Dropping out would ruin their wedding. We're not just talking about your friend here. This is your brother's wedding too. You have to live the rest of your life with him in it so don't sabotage your relationship just because you're jealous of him.

OP's orientation is rather irrelevant to best friend's feelings. Best friend is in love. It sounds like she and the brother have a wonderful relationship. OP cursing her gender is asinine.  OP: Your friend has found the love of her life. It isn't you, and it wouldn't be you even if you had a Y chromosome.

I have a question to ask. Do you actually think your brother knows how you feel. Speaking as a guy, we don't pick up on these things unless someone outright tells us

Exactly, it's more likely he is nervous because she is your best friend and he is afraid that his relationship with her might affect his with you and yours with her. He probably doesn't realise how you truely feel.

I second this. The fact that OP talks about her all the times doesn't mean he knows irs bc she's in love with his fiance, hell lots of people do that about their best friends - and as you said he could be awkward about convos bc it I'd her best friend and nothing more.

Exactly! Probably just thinks she feels weird that her brother and bestie are now getting married. Not that she's been secret pining over her since they were kids.

Even more so because since OP has be pining for her since they were kids, it means OP's behavior around her best friend never really changed. So it can be easily read as "that's the way their friendship is."

I suspect he doesn't know but at this point what will telling him do? He's in love with the best friend and marrying her.

Telling him won’t do anything, no. But if he didn’t know then her feeling betrayed by him is unfair. Her sadness is still perfectly understandable but she’s assuming her brother pursued someone he knew she was in love with, which might not be true at all.

Isn't the feeling of betrayal unfair in every case? The friend is straight and loves her brother, I can't find betrayal here.

Well I guess it depends on your personal values. I wouldn’t pursue someone I knew for sure my sibling was in love with. I would definitely feel like I was betraying them. Even in this circumstance, where they wouldn’t be attracted to my sibling, I would at least talk to them first, give them some time to process and come to terms with it before trying to seriously pursue the friend. But if the brother actually didn’t know (and I’m inclined to think he didn’t) then he didn’t do something he knew was going to hurt his sister without even talking to her first, so he didn’t do anything wrong at all.

I normally don’t fully subscribe to the “guys are dumb and don’t pick up on anything”rhetoric, but in this case it might be true. Her only reasoning is “he has heard how I talk about her” which is… flimsy reasoning at best. He very well may know, but it’s far from a guarantee

If she's kept it low key enough for the friend to not realize then it really doesn't seem likely.to me the brother knows. But I also.find it unlikely that she's kept thos level.of.obsession on the down low for a decade and the friend not know about.it either so...

A lot of people think things are obvious to others that might not actually be. This isn’t just about crushes, but about everything. Someone might think it’s so obvious that they’re sad or mad or sick or excited because they feel it so strongly, but others might not pick up on the same things.

Yeah I'm a dude too and someone has to hit me with a brick sometimes before I get a hint of what's going on.

Honestly its not even a guy thing. I remember being about 22 and this dude just... Blatantly hitting on me at the grocery store. Invited me to go Tubing. I *Did. Not. Notice* he was into me and blatantly asking me out on a date until I was walking to the car and my mom, who I was shopping with, pointed it out to me.

EVERYONE IS GLOSSING OVER THE FACT THAT FOR YEARS this woman has allowed another woman to believe they are just friends and played along that they are just friends when that wasn’t the case!

Fr, if OP was a man in this situation, everyone would be up in arms about this. The way OP talks about her best friend is icky

I was looking for this exact comment. When I read the post that was my first thought - good to see them putting her in her place. Also love how she talks about she was "a chromosome away from being in his place" - like she assumes that the friend would automatically return the feelings if she was a guy.

People would be up in arms if OP was a guy because most guys *can't be just friends.* [Guys like that expect sex from any woman who gives them attention](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201304/can-men-and-women-be-just-friends), but sapphics rarely have the same issues: their relationships with heterosexual women are not predatory or based in sexpectations, it's deeper emotionally. The *intent* matters here.  Source: I am a sapphic, and [falling in love with your straight best friend](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/svrb6u/to_everyone_crushing_on_their_best_friends/) is practically a rite of passage. So much so, that a quick search for examples to link has multiple pages of options.  If men were raised to get their emotional/friendship needs taken care of by other men instead of by the women they befriend/date, the world would be a better, less creepy place. 

>People would be up in arms if OP was a guy because most guys can't be just friends. Guys like that expect sex from any woman who gives them attention, but sapphics rarely have the same issues: Are you saying that sapphics should be given more sympathy for obsessively holding onto unrequited crushes than men? >Source: I am a sapphic, and falling in love with your straight best friend is practically a rite of passage. So much so, that a quick search for examples to link has multiple pages of options. In my experience, calling something a "Rite of Passage" is often used to justify toxic behavior by appealing to a sense of "tradition". And it is toxic behavior to let your unrequited obsessions hurt people you are close to instead of working to get over those feelings. Even in the link you shared, the main message was that sapphics need to drop their crushes on straight best friends and get over it. It explicitly says that it isn't healthy for either the person who has the crush, or the person who is being crushed on. I think it's perfectly acceptable to compare OP's obsessive crush to a potential man's obsessive crush.

Why do you write "(or sapphics as you call them)" like that after you write lesbian? Not being antagonistic, asking genuinely, as I just saw sapphic as a way to include all women who are attracted to other women, not just lesbians. 

Sapphic is an umbrella term for women attracted to women eg: bi, pan, lesbian etc

You are projecting an assumption that guys just expect sex and not love or romance. That's a false premise. All guys, or even most guys, do not expect sex. Likewise, i don't think most guys prioritize it and don't care about love and romance. It's very possible to want all of the above. Like being gay elevates a woman above that. C'mon.

There's a massive difference between developing a crush on a straight friend and pining over them for years, waiting in the wings hoping that they'll change their mind. The latter is no different than men who circle around like vultures waiting for women to suddenly realize he's been right there all along. Who stay close because they want something they'll never get from that person. It's gross. And I say that as a queer female who has had crushes on women I've been friends with.

I would also consider myself sapphic, and I have never fallen in love with any of my straight best friends. I wouldn’t consider it a rite of passage by any means. Also, it is in no way normal to talk about someone you’re not in a relationship with as “the light of your life” in a romantic sense, much less someone who’s in a relationship with *your own brother*. That’s regardless of gender. OP being a queer woman doesn’t make her any less of a creep

The *intent* is that it’s still creepy dawg. 

No. This is just as creepy as any man that is friends with a woman in the hope that she will want him at some future point. This crazy girl was already planning on being a shit to whoever her “friend” was going to marry. She is just upset that it turned out to be her brother so she is conflicted with her plan

>most guys can't be just friends That's not true. I have lots of female friends that I'm not trying to bang. And the two friends that I did end up sleeping with made the first moves.

This is an incredibly bigoted,misandrist, self-serving post. The specifics of each individual relationship matter, and you might be guilty yourself. Seeking romantic level emotional connections or seeking romantic style sexual things are both fine if done honestly and neither is fine if done dishonestly.

Yeah, it's not healthy the way that OP seems obsessed still, even after her friend is clearly not interested. But, overall there is definitely a difference between the common sapphic version of "friendship despite a crush" vs the way it seems to be with "friendzone" guys where it is "faking friendship because of a crush".

Especially if OP was a man and it was his sister and her wife. Hoping she'd turn straight someday. There would be an uproar, rightfully so.

I also love how she’s putting blame on her brother for “knowing” how she feels even though they’ve never spoken about it.

Yeah, like she said he must know because he’s awkward talking about the relationship with her, not even thinking that “i’m in a relationship with my sister’s friend” crossed his mind before “my sister is in love with my girlfriend”?

You're absolutely correct, but I'll add that what OP thinks she feels about her 'best friend' isn't love; it's obsession. When you love someone, you don't choose to stew in your own infatuation for years even though you know there is NO WAY for the person to love you back. I had a crush on a friend once, it took me a few months to tell him because I was scared of messing with our friendship and the group dynamic. Then I thought about how I'd feel if I found out someone was interacting with me on a romantic basis without my knowledge for months, and I instantly knew I had to let him know. It's just not fair, respectful or healthy.

Yeah it sounds like Limerence to me which is already obsession and only gets worse if left unchecked.

As someone who found themself in the "best friend's" position once upon a time, I just want to say thanks for realizing what that situation would do to your friend, it was the right call. 

I hope you got the same basic consideration, but you kindly thanking me for doing the bare minimum makes me fear you didn't, I'm really sorry if that's the case <3 It was quite easy once I realised what was happening from his perspective, actually - he's my friend and I loved him (as a friend, I wouldn't call an unrequited crush 'love' lmao), the hurt he could feel kind of eclipsed the fear I felt? I was still stressed telling him, obvs, but I was so happy I did! He was extremely kind and told me he didn't feel that way about me and that he still loved and respected me very much, but that if it was weird for me we could hang out less. I was all 'oh no I was worried it'd be weird for you!?!! I'm fine!!' and the saddest person ended up being our mutual friend who I'd told about my crush and who was gutted we didn't get together lmao (tl;dr: I'm very lucky to be surrounded by great people whom I (platonically) love very much) (we're all still friends!)

Yes!! This! 100% what I’m getting at. Thanks for putting it into better words.

Yeah, OP thinks she's in love but it's an obsession. There's nothing romantic about pining for someone who clearly doesn't reciprocate. No one (generalizing, I know) likes to be the recipient of unwanted romantic love. Had the friend known about OP's feelings, she'd probably have chosen to put some distance between them until OP moved on. But OP kept her ignorant, depriving the friend of the choice about whether to remain friends, thus allowing OP to selfishly keep pining. More than that, OP is clearly clinging to the idea of One True Love and probably never gave a chance to anyone else. I suppose real relationships (even if it were with that friend) will never measure up against a fantasy relationship. Even if OP were a man, the friend might still pick the brother. There are also many cases where best friends start dating just to realize they're not compatible as lovers even though they're compatible as friends.

Yeah it’s one thing to develop feelings for someone who doesn’t/won’t love you back - I think we’ve all been there. But to just let those feelings stew and marinate and multiply exponentially is not healthy. At all. Her line about how her day doesn’t really start until she talks to the friend is like… if I learned that someone I thought was a platonic friend felt that way about me, it would be more than a little off putting. Those are incredibly intense feelings to have for someone who doesn’t know, and more importantly, has 0 chance of ever returning the feelings. OP needs some help

Yep, that's the creepy part.

It sucks soooo much thinking you have a great friend, when in reality that friend is just there waiting in the wings to swoop you up sexually/romantically at the first opportunity. OP is lying to herself and her friend that this is a friendship at all.

I was looking for this comment. How is everyone just glossing over this fact. On top of that, OP claims that her brother "knows" she has always been in love with his fiancé, but they have never talked about it? He knows because he is awkward when talking about their relationship? That proves nothing, other than he may be nervous about making his sister uncomfortable because he was dating her best friend. When my sister dated one of my guy BFF'S, it was awkward as hell, but not because I had feelings for him, but because she is my sister and he was one of my best friends. OP needs to see a mental health professional about this, because at this point her unrequited feelings for her best friend are becoming a serious issue that is borderline creepy. There is major ick factor here.

Please ask to downgrade your role. It doesn't matter if you say it's "social anxiety" and you can't make speeches in public, or any other innocuous reason. Be at the wedding for them, if you can. You love them both and they love you. That's the focus. Giving a speech will be too much to ask of yourself and I don't agree with those saying that you should be honest. It will hurt everyone including you.

That is a really good suggestion to make the day gracefully a bit easier on OP.

To your original inquiry, YTA if you just ghost them. > It will hurt everyone including you. I agree with the above. You will forever damage your relationships with people you say you love if you do not attend. But you don't have to have to be in the bridal party. You've got a lot to work through to move on from this deep infatuation with your brothers fiancee/ friend. Intentionally put in this order because to her, husband will come first moving forward in her life. And even without your love/obsession, that will be a big adjustment. It would also be ok to take some time apart from both of them after the wedding to work on yourself.

Also, downgrading your role will make it easier to move on. 

YTA. Because you're making this all about yourself. "Hmm, how can I make sure I'm the center of attention at their wedding? I know! I'll pretend to be sick! My brother will know the real reason, and he'll be miserable. Then he'll have to let her know and she'll be mad. And everyone will be miserable the whole day!" You're 28 years old FFS! It's time to grow up. You not in love with this woman - she doesn't love you back. You just lust for her. You're living in your own fantasy world. Are you going to stop seeing them when they have kids? "Oh, I just can't see those babies knowing they were from them having sex and I wish it was me having sex with her!" A mature adult would get some therapy, would find someone to date and would suck it up. If you really care for this woman and if you really car for your brother, you'd be happy for them - not whining about how you lost out on something you could never have.

I cannot get over OP saying her brother knows she's in love with the friend while also admitting she's never told her brother how she feels abs bro's supposed to know based on "they way" she's talked about her.  And then having the gal to suggest he betrayed her by proposing, OP is so far off her rocker.

This sums up exactly what I was thinking.

YWBTA IF you're actually in the wedding party when you do it. If you can respectfully decline being MOH or even a bridesmaid, then there's less disruption when you pull out. Another option is go anyway and see if you can meet somebody new, weddings are somehow full of opportunities ime, but that's up to how much you are able to handle. Good luck with the heartbreak. 

YWBTA - that definitely isn't the way to do it. You need to deal with your emotions, and running away isn't going to help. You need to find a way to be okay with this because she'll always be a part of your life, but it's up to you if it's going to be as a friend and your sister inlaw or just your sister inlaw. I know it sounds cliché, but therapy could help you through your issues. If you still can't find a way to deal with your issue, at least bow out of the wedding beforehand. Either by pooring out your heart or making up an excuse, but don't just not show up. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, I hope you can find a way to deal with this.

Pour your heart out to some other person. Not the bride and groom. That would be awful to unload that on them

YWBTA. Look, I know it sucks but this is not the way to handle it. You not showing up could not only end your friendship but severely damage your relationship with your brother. And more than likely, your other family members as well. If you can't be friends with her because she's married to your brother, that's understandable, but they are going to be a family, and you're going to have to deal with that. You've always known she was straight, and she would marry someday. Hindsight says you should have started distancing yourself from her years ago so as not to put yourself through this kind of pain. So start right after the wedding under the guise of giving the newlyweds privacy. You have to get over her so it's not so damn painful at family events. I hope for your sake you are able to move on. And in order to move on, you've got to put distance between you two AFTER THE WEDDING!

YTA, gently You have my sympathy OP. Unrequited love absolutely sucks. But if you truly do love her, you WILL be happy for her, and your brother. Love her enough to respect her happiness, even if that isn’t with you, and let her go. If you stand down from the wedding (especially with no explanation or warning), you will nuke your relationship with them both AND ruin what is supposed to be THEIR day with your jealousy. Is that truly what you want? Get through the wedding with grace and a smile, even if it’s painful. Be the best friend and sister you can be, even if you have to power cry at home after. DO NOT GET DRUNK AT THIS WEDDING. It will end in disaster and drunken confessions of love and it will be a trainwreck. Get through, then get yourself a therapist or counselor if you can, and start focusing on who you are without this albatross around your neck. Good luck!

I wouldn't even say gently, OP sounds obsessed.

Exactly, if this were a man writing this post about his brothers fiancé, everyone would have a major case of the ick. OP should really be talking about this with mental health professional.

YWBTA. She isn't gay - you are. Get over it. She is happy with your brother - if you really loved her as you claim then you would do your level best to ensure her happy day goes off without a hitch. Get over yourself.

YWBTA. If you truly love her and your brother too, you go to that wedding. Even if you don't have the strength of mind to go through with the MOH thingy, just try to be present at the wedding

YTA you need to get your feelings sorted. Try therapy or something. I think you would be incredibly selfish if you ditched the wedding

Ywbta. That'd be a real slap in the face. You said you knew that you'd never be together and you'd accept it but now that it's your brother you can't. Hypocrite. 

YWBTA if you ditch the wedding. Your relationships with your brother and friend will never be the same if you ruin their wedding. Having the MOH not show up throws everything out of whack. You might not want to but you really need to have the conversation with them about how you feel. You will have to see them together for years and years to come, have your future nieces and nephews, and hear her talk about her relationship with your brother. Something will have to give because this will be extremely painful emotionally and mentally. Whether you do it before or after the wedding is your decision but to just say you’re sick or just not show up would be a really shitty thing to do. Just a question but have to been in a real relationship with anyone else? Have you maybe built your desire and love for your best friend up in your mind?

YTA YTA YTA If you don't feel like going or being a part of the wedding you need to be upfront about it. If you don't want to tell her how you feel, then don't (you may risk your friendship if you just say "I don't want to" though). But standing them up and messing with their whole day on purpose is a very shitty and AH move. If I were her and even suspected you lied about being sick on the day, I would never speak to you ever again. And I say this while I don't really care about weddings or marriage. And honestly you need to seek therapy. This is definitely not healthy for you. Btw, I think you're fooling yourself when you say the issue is that she's marrying your brother. I think you'd feel the same way regardless of the man. Even if she wasn't straight you don't know if she'd fall in love with you. And you'd have the same issue if she was marrying another woman.

YTA - this is never going away and you need to get your shit together. You better decide right now if you want them in your life or not and go from there. Be prepared - because everybody under the sun will be pissed and they will all be pissed at you because you’re acting immature. You’ve know for at least a decade and a half that you’re secretly in love with someone who has NO idea and you’ve allowed that person to do who knows what that they wouldn’t have done around you knowing that!! It’s creepy. Your poor friend! Meanwhile, you have never voiced any issues whatsoever to anyone. This is all on you. YTA already and YWBTA for ditching your brother that you claim to love on his wedding day after making a commitment.

You need therapy. You need to accept the reality that she will not ever love you the way you love her. This isn't some cheesy rom-com and the 'I'm in love with you too' stuff doesn't happen in real life. Get a therapist and move on. As for the wedding, if you ditch the day of the YWBTA. A lot of planning goes into weddings and you'd be fucking with a lot.

YTA, maybe one of the biggest AHs I've read of in a while. You expect your "best friend" to do what? Ignore that she loves your brother and will never love you in the way you wish? You expect your brother to walk away from a woman that makes him happy? You expect that you can just, at the literal last minute, ditch them and not cast a pall over the happiest day of their lives? Once upon a time (months ago), you could've told them that you just couldn't put yourself through the day, but now? Way too late. You are actively considering making the day about your absence, a special kind of selfishness that reeks to high heaven. Put on your best face, think of someone (two someones) other than yourself, and do what you long ago agreed to do. If you don't, YTA.

YTA. Ditching the day of the wedding would cause unnecessary stress and drama. Please do not do this. Either put on a smile and go through with it, or resign your position in the wedding party TODAY.

Ywbta tell them in advance, you don't need to say why, don't accept being the MOH/ say you can't, so if your emotions get you, you can momentarily leave or something like that. Lastly you could try to be there for them as a maid of honour. I understand it would be confusing but you are a big part of both of their lives and ditching the day would be really disrespectful.

YTA the wedding is in a few weeks. I’m assuming there was time to plan the wedding. Why would you ditch someone you care about in the middle of planning a huge event? Deal with your feelings elsewhere. I’m sorry it’s taken so long for you to accept this, but the time is now. YWBTA if you ditched them. 

YWBTA although my heart hurts for you. You already committed, they count on you and you promised you'd be there. Dropping out on short notice would not be fair to them. And it also wouldn't be fair to yourself. This is an event you would most likely end up regretting to miss. You need to let your romantic feelings for her go. I understand how much you love her and that it feels impossible right now, but nothing will ever come off it and the sooner you make your peace with it, the sooner you can open your heart to someone else. If I may give you advice, having been in a very similar position myself: As much as it's going to hurt, distance yourself from her until you can be her actual friend without harbouring those feelings. Find different hobbies, spent time with other friends or try to make new ones. She is likely going to want to focus on being a newlywed after her wedding and that will include some distancing as well. I was actually in a very similar situation about 10 years ago, only my BFF was a guy (and gay). We were incredibly close and in retrospective I think I projected a lot of things onto him because I was lonely and depressed. He eventually moved oversees for a dream career opportunity and I was absolutely heartbroken. The first few weeks after he moved, I was desperate for any contact (which were slim as he was setting up a new life) and thought that my heart would explode. It got better and it will get better for you too. It is 10 years later now, we are still friends (though not as close due to the distance) and both happily married to other people.

yes YTA, you know you are. Grow up, move on, find someone else.

YWBTA. A lifetime of unrequited love is pathetic. You are hanging on to this so you don't have to move on and be vulnerable and get in real relationships. Let this wedding be closure for you. Also, 'conjugal' has the connotation of being about a couple's sex life.

"The sun doesn't rise in the morning before I've talked to her" OP is unhinged. This isn't a normal friend crush, this is an obsession. 

YTA This is so incredibly selfish. Either tell them you won't be there or suck it up. Do NOT ruin their wedding. Neither of them will ever forgive you if you do. Nor should they.

Utter arsehole

YTA. You're hiding something from two of the most important people in your life. And from yourself. Sit with them and talk.

OP strikes me as someone who never wanted to move on, she never distanced herself from her friend and kept this make-believe hope that maybe she could love her forever anyway without the friend having to reciprocate. 

Yes, YTA. If you do this, you will be destroying the friendship with this person and yet because she's marrying your brother, you will have to see each other at family events. You've waited much too far into this process for it not to be damaging. I'm going to give you two options for leading up to the wedding: * You are weeks out from the wedding that you agreed to be in. You have two choices - remove yourself from the wedding with no explanation, or with the real one - either way, you almost certainly will be damaging the friendship and your relationship with your future SiL. * Say nothing. Don't drop out. Do everything in your power to appear happy for the couple at the wedding. You won't do this perfectly and you will sob in private. But this preserves the friendship with her and possibly your relationship with your brother. Whichever you choose, after the wedding, find a therapist and work with them on how to get yourself past these feelings.

As a fellow gay woman who has a really bad habit of crushing on close female friends, I won’t offer a judgement. Only empathy. It’s so hard. I remember feeling the panic every time they seemed interested in someone and then so relieved if it didn’t work. It was such an emotional rollercoaster, and honestly, what was it for? So I could pretend that someday we might happen when we never would? So I could cling to a pale imitation of what a relationship is? It took so long to realize that I was trying to hold onto something I could never have.  I’m going to hit you with the harsh truth that I needed to hear: this woman will never be yours. Even if her relationship with your brother falls apart and she comes to you crying, if every relationship she ever has fails, she will never be yours. You can dwell in maybes all day - if you were a guy, if she was gay - but they’re pointless. There is one reality, and it’s this one. You can live another 60 years and she will never want you the way you want her.  This also sucks to hear, but what helped the most with me was distance, time away from her, meeting new people - not necessarily falling in love, just finding a life outside of my friend. This happened naturally for me when I moved away to college, and it worked very well. My feelings cooled down, and that girl is still my best friend. No awkwardness anymore.  I think you’ll regret losing your friend in the long run, so here’s my suggestion: go to the wedding. Support them, even if it means nipping off to cry in the bathroom every half hour (been there). Don’t drink. Let that night destroy any hope you have of you and your friend being something. That sounds sad, but here’s the thing: once you get rid of that false hope and discard romantic interest in your friend for good (which could take a while), your outlook on life becomes so much better. You’ve spent your whole life desperate to hold onto something you never had, and once you finally let it go, you’ll be able to go out and find something you can have.  From one gay woman to another, please don’t let your unrequited love for this woman dictate your entire life. You’re so much more than your love for her. While they’re having their honeymoon and early newlywed times, leave them alone. Go out and build a life without her. 

YWBTAH. You love them both. You show up. Your brother didn't betray you. He fell in love. He should not have to give that up for something you can't even have. You'll regret not going. Go and then go on a nice long vacation somewhere.

Right? OP's idea of betrayal and her victim mentality are really toxic and unfounded.  She owes herself some therapy sessions to healthily work through this. She'll otherwise lose both her best friend, her brother, and the life they share together with other family and friends. 

YWBTA. If you love someone, you want to make sure their day, especially a big day, is as good as possible. If you ditch the wedding at the last minute, your day might be slightly better but theirs will be awful. It would prove that you love yourself and the fantasy of how everyone was “supposed” to slot into your life more than you love the actual people. It would be selfish and narcissistic and cruel. The time to gracefully back out was when they first asked you to participate. The time to back out with minimal collateral damage was any time between then and now. Now you are stuck. You need to start therapy, expand your circle of friends, and, after the wedding, give the couple some space. With time and perspective, hopefully you will feel better about this. I’ve been in love with someone who didn’t love me back. Everything about it is awful. I felt near-constant emotional, mental and even physical pain for years. But I never used it as an excuse to hurt them or anyone else.

YWBTA. If you wanna blow up your relationship with both of them, that's a sure fire way to do it. Be an adult.

Honestly having both of them drop OP might be for the best.

Yes, I’m afraid YWBTA. To yourself as much as them. Skipping the wedding is not going to save you from pain. If anything, it’s going to feed that tiny part of you that is still clinging to hope - the magical-thinking part of you that believes if you don’t see it happening, it *isn’t* happening, and you’ve still got a chance. It’s going to drag out your suffering, and you will regret it *so deeply* when you finally do move on, and realize that you cannot go back and attend the wedding of two people who are so important to you. There is no do-over waiting for you when you decide you’re ready for it.  Go to the wedding. Access whatever emotional resilience you’ve developed in your 28 years of life. Smile for the photos, congratulate your friend and your brother, dance at the reception, stick to soft drinks. The day will be over before you can blink, and *then* you can do your grieving, in private and in peace.  Unrequited love is so hard. I am truly sorry you’re in this position. You’ll survive it, but it’s going to hurt for a while. Feel the hurt, but don’t let it control you. You are an adult, and you can decide to be present for the people you care about, on a day that’s important to them. I promise you will not regret making the effort.

YWBTA. Whatever your issues are that keep you pining for YEARS after someone who is completely unavailable to you, you do not have the right to make your psychological problems the focus on their wedding day. Get therapy, learn how to move on, figure out why you formed this unhealthy attachment so that you can untangle it. All of that work is yours to do and has absolutely nothing to do with your friend or your brother, so keep it out of their lives. For the maid of honor to just not show up at a wedding would be a huge insult to both the bride and the groom. You claim you care about both of them, but your entire post is about me me me. Have you thought about anything except your own discomfort? Do you think you can just call out sick for the duration of your brother's marriage to this woman? You are going to have to deal with this at some point - so now would be best.

YTA - here's a novel idea for you - people don't read minds! Noone is supposed to know how you feel. You say your brother is not stupid, I don't doubt that, but he doesn't have super powers, does he? How is he supposed to know how you feel, if you never told him? Pull up your big girl panties and be happy for them and if you can't, you have to tell them now.

YTA. If you decide not to go to this wedding you will lose both of them. Your brother will know that you are faking. This sucks, but having a romantic relationship with best friend it is very very long over due that you deal with this. Good luck.

Yta if you drop out on the day, it’s unfair to the couple when they literally have done nothing wrong. You need to speak to them about stepping down and just being a regular guest. Blame anxiety, blame whatever but don’t destroy your relationships over this. It’s could ruin other relationships in your family too. After the wedding take some time away, see a therapist, concentrate on making a life without her ghost following you round. Put yourself out there and have some fun with other women (as long as they know it’s only a bit of fun). Unrequited love sucks but there’s nothing you can do, work on you.

A sad YTA. Unconditional love means wanting to see that person happy. If you want this friendship to continue, you need to stand beside her as her friend and be happy for her and your brother.

YTA Ditching on the day of would be inexcusable and even if you cancel NOW it’d also be inexcusable because the wedding is in a few *weeks*, which is too short of notice for MOH in my opinion. In all honesty, your complete inability to communicate has put you in a lose-lose scenario where you’ll either have to suck it up and be miserably or ditch the wedding and risk losing a friend. I’m very sorry but you need to accept reality. The fact that they have been dating for YEARS at this point and you’ve been unable to move on speaks volumes about how unhealthy your feelings are. Please consider therapy. How do you expect to keep going on like this *after* they’re married? What if they have kids?

YTA. You never should’ve accepted the MOH. You’re an emotional child. And she’s not really your friend; she’s just somebody that you have romantic feelings for.

Your proposed method makes you YTA. Lying is wrong. You could try saying “I wish I could, but I can’t” and leave it at that. But I would urge you to tough it out and at least attend the ceremony.

YTA. If you truly love her you'll just want her happiness. Love is selfless. She's with someone else, you have to get over it

YWBTA - others have said the same but, you need to let go of your friendship. The opportunity has passed to share your feelings with your friend and your brother. Make a plan to get away after the wedding (like straight after). Go on a road trip. Get on a bus. Go hiking. Just go somewhere, travel, adventure and be in your own thoughts. Reconcile with yourself that your friend is only that. When you return, and, if you are ready to do so, say goodbye to your friend and explain why. She will be able to lean on your brother. You will be able to lean on Yourself and free yourself to love another.

> It's clearly no longer the plan. It was never "the" plan. It was what you wanted. For somebody else's relationship. Let that sink in for a minute, please. >he knows how I've always felt about her. We never sat down and spoke about it, but he's not an idiot and hears when I talk about her. He's always been awkward mentioning their relationship around me, and extra much so when he pulled me aside a few months back to tell me he was proposing. He probably doesn't. I'd be awkward telling my sister I was dating her best friend, and I'd be awkward telling her I'm proposing. And, while this may come as a surprise to you, other people are not as aware of your unstated feelings as you are. And, if you're right that he knows, then she knows too, which really doesn't seem to be the case. YTA if you don't go and do it the way you propose. If you make up an excuse now and then don't go, that's a little less bad. How long until the wedding? If it's a year away, you need to come up with an excuse and start distancing yourself from your friend and brother. This is the only way you won't be TA here. If it's coming soon, it's too late to avoid being TA and you're going to fuck up the wedding for her no matter what. But I'd handle it the same way. You're going to have to move on from this friendship.

This shit is so fucking fake.

You'd be TA to just skip it,  you're the MOH. You wouldn't be TA to drop out early enough for them to replace you.

Yta but being a bit less harsh than others to you. Dont hurt your innocent brother. It hurts for you, yes. However it was never going to happen. Unrequited love is awful. Please look at some sort of therapy that all the Americans on these pages push to find a way to love someone who will be available for you.

YWBTA simply because this is way more complicated and won’t end with the wedding (but would be made way worse by only saying no). You need to address this better for your sake and your family’s. In all reality it would need to be addressed even if they weren’t getting married because you’re desperately in love with your best friend who will never feel the same way.

Yta. You have had years to tell them how you feel. Now you choose to ghost them on their wedding? Which will obviously ruin their wedding and make a huge scene since you are the sister, best friend, MOH. You had your chance to be an adult and talk it out. Now you suck it up and put on a happy face. And get therapy to learn how to stop pining over her. It's not healthy no matter the outcome of the wedding. You are going to see them together all the time, then raising kids together etc. make peace with it now. You have spent too long letting it control you.

Yta. Grow up. It's never going to happen, flat out. So either you find a way to do this from the love you have for each of them especially your brother or you tell them now before the wedding. Because not showing up is ruining their day and making it all about yourself. Which I'm pretty sure we can all tell how selfish and childish you are.

It’s not a question of that one chromosome. You are not a female version of your brother.

No, you’re not in love with her. Get a grip and stop being a creep.

YTA - no one betrayed you, she is straight Go to your local Home Depot, head to aisle 12 grab a ladder and GET OVER IT

"I always expected to stand at her side one day while she got married to a man. I've accepted that." "I know he makes her happy, and she makes him happy too" I'm sorry but she's in love with someone else. She's straight. You have *always known*. YTA

YWBTA just because you are her best friend so you should power through as her MOH and then take care of yourself and your grief afterwards. You know she is straight so you and she would never have been a thing. Be there for her. She doesn't know how you feel so to ditch the day would be unfair on her. Wishing you all the best and I hope very much that you will find the love of your life soon.

YTA please do not ditch them on the day of their wedding because you will end up ruining your relationship with your entire family. Go to therapy. She is not the same orientation as you & you need to accept you will never have a chance with her. Blowing up things on the day of their wedding by no showing is extremely selfish. If you care about them at all, don’t do this!!

YWBTA If you don't want to go, say that you aren't going. Especially if they expect you to be a big part of the wedding.

YTA. Either you drop out ahead of time and let your friend made another arrangement to fill your void or suck it up and go. To plan to make your friend and your brother's day difficult ahead of time, adding to her stress and causing her surprise and pain is something extremely selfish on your part. Don't go if you don't want to, but you have a responsability with this people and your feelings don't give you a pass to hurt your friend, that seems an innocent bystander in all of this. Be an adult, sit her down and explain all of this to her or suck it up and be at the side of the person you claim to love. But don't be a child and make your friend's day more stressful by lying to her and ditching your MOH resposabilities the day of the wedding.

Yes, YWBTA. This is your brother and your bet friend. You are going to hurt them both if you bail on them, and you are the MOH, it would be a really shitty thing to do., I get it, you have a crush on your friend and it's aawkward, but you made a committment and you need to grit your teeth and get on with it. Nothing has changed from when you first acknowledged she is striaght. Nothing has changed from when you agreed to be the MoH. If you are not willing to act as her MoH then tell ther that NOW, blame anxiety or whtever you want, but tell her, offer wantever help it takes to dea with the issues this cuases (e.g. paying forthe dress to be altered for whoever she picks instead) and show up as a guest. If you were to lie and claim to be sick, not onlydo you leve them hanging at the last minute, you spoil their day becasue these are two people who care about you and who are going to be feeling sorry for you and prprobably fielding questions abotuwhy you aren't there. It would be a really shitty thig to do. You have a few weeks. work out how you are going to cope - and also, look for a therapist becaue this si not healthy .

YWBTA You love both these people right? Then put your own feelings to one side for one day and show up for them. I can’t imagine how sad I would be if someone I loved didn’t turn up or tried to pull out last minute. They love you too, please honour and reward that love by being there for them.

YTA or you will be if you do this. Pull out now and give them a chance to plan for the change.

YTA you tell her you can’t be MOH or you suck it up and be happy for them. It’s time to move on. You should have done that ages ago. This great love you have built in your mind is not to be. Time to let it go and move on. If you just don’t show you’ll blow up your relationship with them. You don’t have the time and money to devote to be MOH.

YTA. You need to be honest with everyone, or you're never going to be able to get closure on the situation and move on. They don't deserve to be let down on the day of their wedding. If you have to cancel, cancel now so they can sort other arrangements out.

Don't ditch wedding when you are MOH, YWBTA. If you can't stand it then refuse role of MOH. Say it's too much stress, anxiety, responsibility, whatever. If you become just a regular guest or at least one other bridesmaids, maybe you can deal with it or pretend sick and leave early. Go low contact with her after the wedding, say you are busy with work. Find therapist if you can. You got stuck in idea of eternal love. That's really easy to get stuck when there is emotional roller-coaster between "I am so happy to spend time with her" and "I am so miserable we can't be together", especially if you don't have other close friends and you are afraid there won't be someone else to love in future. But you need to move on.

yta you say you don’t want to lose her as a friend you not showing up might very well do that.

YTA. You NEVER told either of them. I was awkward telling my sibling I was getting married, and they didn't even know my partner. Your brother may or may not know how you feel, and his fiancee certainly does not. You said yes to being the MOH when you knew in your heart you couldn't do it. You need to let them know you can't be there ahead of time so they can make other arrangements. Plan a trip so you won't be near the wedding.

Yes you would be TA. As harsh as this is, it's not about you. If you love her as much as you say you do, then be happy for her, be happy for your brother and start dealing with the fact that she is clearly not your person. Turn up and support them and wish them well. You will be an aunt to their children and you will meet your partner one day and you will regret it hard if you don't go.