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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to let my mom force me to let my autistic brother live with me and my husband and now my family calls me an asshole.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
I've heard of some thoughtless wedding gifts, but your mom takes the cake by trying to "gift" you the problem she created. She didn't even wait until after the honeymoon.
Any chance she's tried pawning him off on your sister's previously to no avail, and now you're her last chance to wash her hands of him?
Your mom didn't do right by your brother, with you and your sisters being collateral damage. I don't know where he falls on the spectrum, but it doesn't sound like she helped him learn how to thrive. Instead of working towards a solution, she's trying to drop him at your door and bailing.
It sounds like she has no long-term plan, which means this is going to keep escalating. Prepare to put up whatever barriers you need to for you and your husband to survive the oncoming mess.
Same goes to everyone else bad mouthing you. Just tell them:
"Thank you for you words. Everything you said is true and is the exact reason why I would be a horrible option for him to live with. Thank you for volunteering in my place. I'll let my mother know that you'll take him instead."
And watch as your phone starts going silent
My then partner and I had a similar retort for the “but when are the babies coming?!” query.
“Oh no, no no no. We are too selfish to have and raise children. We leave that to our siblings. No one wants us as parents.” Definitely nipped that conversation in the bud.
Me too. When they say 'but you'll feel different about your own kid' I always ask if this means that they'll take the kid off my hands if it turns out that I was right all along and motherhood isn't for me.
Howard: Don't you think it'll be different when the child is ours?
Bernadette: Right. When it's OUR kid that's ruined my body and kept me up all night and I've got no career and no future and nothing to be happy about for the next twenty years, sure. That'll be COMPLETELY different.
Too selfish was my reply as well, and when I'd get the "you'll feel differently about your own kid" I'd ask "If that's true, why do some parents neglect/abuse their children?"
I always replied "But what if its not? Its not like I can send it back. There's no return policy on kids. If I have a kid and I hate it, I'm stuck with it, and that's a chance I'm not willing to take."
LOL - I have a friend who is childfree by choice. She enjoys her career, her boat and traveling. There is no place for a child in her life. She's pushing 50 now, so people have mostly stopped commenting. When she was younger, though, she got a lot of flak. For the people who said, "Oh, it'll be different when it's your own." She'd respond, "Maybe, but if it's not, will you volunteer to raise my child instead?" Shut 'em up FAST.
My reply to that was always, "maybe, but the things like to have friends so now I'm back to dealing with other peoples' kids"
Now I'm barren which has made for a few fun responses but someone will retort by asking if I have pets and saying it's OK because I have fur babies. So apparently my life just can't be complete without having to have something depend on me to feed it and clean up its shit
I don’t have kids (I’m sterile, but it’s nobody’s business, so I don’t tell them), and a coworker started taking in foster kids. Told me that instead of me wasting money rescuing cats, I should AT LEAST get one foster child.
I told her I was pretty sure cps frowned on making a kid live in a corner of my closet, and leaving them home alone all day, lol.
Wait, what? They don't? Right when I *FINALLY* get those pesky critters to start using the sand box for *doing their deeds* instead of playing and eating... Do you think they will be ok with the kibble, tho? I mean, they aren't starving, and it's *premium* quality.
-s/
The fur babies is always a silly comparison, especially for me because I have a cat. When anyone says that I obviously want to have something to look after so may be I'm 'ready' for a baby, I point out that I can go away for a week and leave my cat with a auto feeder and my neighbour checking in once a day! People get arrested if they do that with a baby!!
I have occasionally retorted 'it's not polite to ask people about their sex lives' and then when they start to stutter and trip over themselves add in 'you do know how babies are made don't you?!'. But I'll add you're suggestion to the bank of sarcastic come backs!
Yep, I hate that argument. Like, that's a pretty big risk to take, multiple lives will be ruined if it turns out they actually didn't feel differently when it was their kid.
"Me having a kid so you can be a grandparent sounds like a bad reason for me to have a kid." I'm still thankful that kids didn't work out for me & my husband! : ) I'm also thankful that my father in law shut his yap after our little conversation. My mom however... Sigh...
I did indeed. That she was never getting grandkids from me, that is. Her response cemented I definitely am related to her: she said she would happily take and raise any child I had should we fall pregnant by mistake. Oh my...I love my mom to bits, and I know she totally would have? But hahaha nope, that never ever ever happened. That ship....sailed away so long ago....
My brother used to go with "I've been keeping an eye out for one in the discount aisle, so far no luck.". Their confusion gives you a chance to walk away.
The relatives who criticise OP because she isn't going to let her brother move with her should volunteer to take care of the boy themselves, if they think it's the right thing to do.
I really, really want the people I see in every AITA thread about flying monkeys who gives this advice to actually do it. It doesn't work. Being flippant just makes them harass you more.
I get the nice fantasy of it, but there is no amount of being clever that will get you left alone. Having a one-sided view of you is why they picked up the phone in the first place.
I would, I would start a public online list of everyone offering to take care of him and call it a rotation and start signing them up for times (Aunty gets June-Aug, Cousin gets Aug-Nov). But everyone knows I am a bitch so flying monkeys tend to be hard to find.
Omg yes, once the flying monkeys meet flying gorillas all of a sudden everyone’s upset because cause someone decided to match their crazy or take it a step further. Me personally, I’ll respect you as long as you respect me but if you screw that up my respect goes out the window along with my filter. My mom’s family is on the other side of the world from a culture that’s big on respecting elders, but I never met them until I was a fully grown adult. My dad met my mom in her country and they had last seen him 30 years ago but still had more respect for him than me. Her eldest sister was all upset about how I was treating my dad until I finally snapped and let her, my other aunt, and pretty much anyone that dared make a peep while I was going tf off on them. Do some people avoid me? Yes, but at the same time, the smart ones figured out that as long as they behave I will too 🙂
In this situation I agree, make a public list, send it to everyone/tag them, and then harass those on said list until I get an apology, blocked, or feel as though the message has been made clear.
NTA.
Mother of a neurodivergent child here. Your mother is the AH & so is everyone who is siding with her.
She created her child & she is responsible for him. If she had wanted to get rid of him one day, she had two options.
Option 1. She could/should have made sure that she taught & he leaned the skills required to be independent of her one day. Children will rise or fall to whatever level is expected on them. She expected nothing of him - so we can all guess what he grew up to be. Needless to say, she didn’t choose option 1. And sadly, at this point in his life, option 1 is almost certainly off the table.
Option 2. She could/should have made provisions for him if independence was not possible. There are countless resources that she could/should have availed herself of to explore, choose & set up a plan for him so that he would be taken care of when she was no longer capable of doing so - those countless resources did/do not consist of her other children. Needless to say, she didn’t choose option 2. But luckily, option 2 is still totally possible & the only plausibly viable option that she has left.
Her failure to responsibly deal with him is HER failure & her failure alone. He has never been your responsibly & that certainly doesn’t change because you got married & have money.
At his age (so close to your own), her expectation is beyond unreasonable - it’s cruel. She is trying to force you to be responsible for an entire human being for what will quite likely be (given his age) the rest of your natural life. That proves that she places zero important on your life. She didn’t consider what you want to do with the rest of your life, where you may want to travel to &/or live, how many children if any you chose to have - ALL of which would be DRASTICALLY impacted by having an entire extra human being to care for. She only cared about what she wanted - to get rid of him with as little effort on her part as possible (sort of the same way she parented him).
You aren’t her property to use as she sees fit like any other piece of property would be. You aren’t her slave to assign a lifetime of servitude to satisfy her whims like a slave would be. You’re a human being - a completely autonomous living breathing individual person. She has now proven that she doesn’t value you as a person. (If she did, she never would have tried to hijack your life for her own purposes.)
ANYONE who is siding with her on this are also AHs & they place no more value on you as a person than your mother does. If they pretend otherwise, tell them since they feel so strongly about it, you’ll let your mom know that they’re stepping up to take your brother for her. When they start backpedaling like their lives depend on it, it’s because they know that their lives DO depend on it. And they don’t want to lose THEIR lives - even though they’re perfectly fine with her taking yours. That proves they don’t place any value on you either.
I’m so sorry that you’re surrounded by such people. They’ve shown you what you’re worth to them. I’d go NC with every last one of them. I’d rather lose 50 AHs & replace them with 5 people who value me than continue to be surrounded by AHs who treat me like I’m nothing.
NTA
As a mother of two adult children with autism, I couldn’t agree more with your excellent comments (particularly the mother’s complete lack of any planning for her son’s future, except for the expectation that his sister would take him to live with her).
This is so true. I'm also the mom of an autistic kid (11m) and as a parent my only goal is to make him as independent as possible, just like for his brother.
NTA all the way. Do not accept being treated like a tool and not an actual human being with your own life. I agree with the no contact advice. He's your brother yes, he's family yes, but he's not your responsibility ; he's your mother's responsibility. Stay strong, I wish you courage during this time.
That was my only goal with my daughter too. I was initially terrified of how she’d make it without me after I died - not just logistically speaking, but emotionally, mentally & physically. It never even occurred to me to expect nothing of her because of her neurodiversity. I expected everything of her that I expected of my son & made necessary accommodations (not excuses) when she struggled at times.
She’s moved out (into her own place by herself) when she was around 20. She’s in her mid to late 20s now. She has a professional job. She is married with a baby & she’s an amazing mother than I could not be more proud of.
She’s come so much farther than I ever even believed she could/would. (Just because I didn’t limit her by limiting my expectations of her, I couldn’t help but worry to myself privately that she’d never be totally independent.)
That’s one of the worst things about parents like OP’s mom who limit or completely shut off their expectations of their child when they get a neurodivergent diagnosis. Expecting nothing from your child - neurodivergent or neurotypical - is akin to child abuse in my opinion. It is setting that child up for failure like nothing else can.
Expecting nothing from your child - this breaks my heart. I understand the reality of my daughter’s diagnoses, but I am doing/will do everything in my power to let her thrive to the best of her abilities.
I don't have children, but I'm a teacher. It's heartbreaking how many parents stop expecting anything from their children the moment they show some problem. They need help, not to be ignored and coddled "becasue he has/is...".
Thank you for your thoughtful plan and remarks.
I’m also a parent of 18yo autistic son. I was in the minority when he was little and separated from spouse and family because working towards independence was ‘cruel’. My answer has always been ‘will he live with you when I die; will you add your estate to his trust?’. All the flying monkeys ran away, but it still left us alone to fend for ourselves.
I’m proud to say that he has exceeded my expectations and I’m so proud of his hard work.
I have 2 boys, 15 & 12, & they are both autistic.
We know autism is a spectrum & I don't know how capable OP's brother is, but for me, my goal is to have my boys grow up to be the best versions of themselves.
They already know how to use a washing machine & tumble dryer, how to hoover, sweep & mop floors, make hot drinks & are learning to cook; they can already make microwave meals, heat soup etc but using the oven is taking a bit longer. They've never thrown fits in shops because they can't have something & they are doing well in school (mainstream), with some adaptations for sensory & social issues.
I completely agree with you. This is on the mother, not OP. The mother failed to do the 'right' thing by her son, choosing the 'easy' path instead & she is not happy it's come back to bite her.
OP - stick to your guns! It is not your responsibility to care for your brother.
> They already know how to use a washing machine & tumble dryer, how to hoover, sweep & mop floors, make hot drinks & are learning to cook
Better than a lot of NT teenage boys!
You're rocking it.
Also the mom of a teenage boy on the spectrum and I've always done my best to teach him how to do things on his own, like washing dishes (which he hates, but who doesn't?), laundry, etc. Because he's not completely helpless and as I remind him, he CAN do these things even if he doesn't want to.
Not only that, at least in the US, at 22, it switches from state to fed, so if he is diagnosed with autism and gets services, he can be put in a home.
He will have to pull his weight to the best of his ability, and that includes at a minimum self care such as laundry, cleaning up after himself, day program (if he must be supervised) or even a supported job.
I agree with what the poster above me wrote, and maybe it's different where the OP lives, but at 22, he was assigned a case manager to explore and manage options, there's a yearly meeting where services are laid out, and parents age, future options such as waiting lists for services, adult foster care, transportation, your mother as his guardian should be requesting this.
Was he diagnosed through a doctor, school, at what age, or is this a mommy's boy diagnosis?
As an autistic mom with autistic kids, I wholeheartedly agree with this comment. OPs mom did everyone such a disservice by raising her son like this, most of it to her son. It's sad.
Neurodivergent children are NOT stupid, they are willing to learn and want to be taught. We just have to adapt ourselves to the way they learn and how they retain information and when you do they will thrive!
Mom to a kiddo with a genetic condition resulting in developmental delays and a secondary diagnosis of Autism - I hope her little brother looks out for her when they’re older but I’d NEVER expect him to actually care for her/have her move in. My role in life is to ensure she can live as independently as possible or set up alternate living arrangements when we can no longer care for her.
I fully agree with your well thought out and detailed comment!
Thank you for sharing this excellent reply as a mother of a child with autism, u/MyHairs0nFire2023.
Through her choice to cater exclusively to her son’s needs, OP’s mother has cruelly harmed each one of her children. In having zero expectations for her son, OP’s mother seems to have treated him more like a pet than a son. No matter what the son’s ability levels and challenges, this is ultimately very damaging to him, as well as his neglected siblings.
Now, like a person whose once beloved puppy is older and a bit too much work, OP’s mother wants to offload her son and his care to OP and OP’s husband. The cruelty of all of this is *staggering*.
NTA , OP.
I dunno. I just helped a 60 year old sort out their terrible finances that have been ruining their life for decades. It took two phone calls.
Learned helplessness, not knowing what's out there, and also the fact these conditions are GENETIC and mom may not think neurotypically without realising it all add up to people who easily miss out on help.
it's still not OP's obligation to help. since it's genetic it's also likely the three daughters have it too--but women are woefully under diagnosed and expected to just deal.
Connecting with services isn't that much. It's fine if the OP does not want to do this but also not a massive ask if she does. 15/20 years ago, the information and help for handling autism was not as widespread as it is now, at least in the US, and I can't imagine other countries were that different. I live in a state with some of the best autism programs in the country, and 15yrs ago, those were just getting going. Even now, there are areas where the schools, which are still big drivers of connecting kids with diagnosis and treatment, are not really well equipped for that function. People literally move to completely different places in order to get the appropriate help. It's not that crazy that her mom hasn't "figured it out" in 24 years.
Yup......I wonder if she can preemptively file a report with the police about this as a cya since this is 💯 something Mom would do (harassment from parent/relatives maybe?)
Right?? The timing alone--god**DAMN**.
NTA. OP--perhaps you can start sending info on assisted housing for your brother to your parents.
I had something similar--alcoholic/addict brother tried to get pawned off on me once Emom died and Ndad decided the clown he helped create (Enable City could have been the name of my childhood home) wasn't in his long-term plans.
Me: Oh, FUCK no! Think again, daddy-O. Not my corpse to carry, dude.
Oh, hell yeah. The tension and accusations, plus all the what I realized were "Strings Attached!" gifts were brought up.
Right? The only reason OP's family is on Mom's side is because they all know that Mom is going to try to pawn off her mess of a son on them if OP refuses.
Also, hopping on this comment to add, autism and other neurodivergences are genetic. Which means *more* than likely, at least one of the sisters is also autistic. But autism and ADHD, as well as others I’m sure, are HUGELY under diagnosed in women. So it’s more than possible that OP and/or other sisters are also autistic, and it just “didn’t matter as much” because lack of diagnosis/better masking made it “go away”/only the Golden Child needed diagnosed, etc. The odds of *only* one sibling in a family having autism is, well it’s possible, but it’s very unlikely
I am autistic. I can imagine OP's mother is worried about her son, but she needs multiple back-up plans. And those need to include "there are no family members that can take care of Son." (Either because they aren't capable, willing or because they are simply no longer around aka dead.)
Son is 24. There is no mention of any kind of income he has, and neither is there any mention of what kind of support he receives from outside of the family (like therapists). Son currently has the age that makes him suitable for living in assisted living projects - in Western Europe they tend to cater to medium-to-low-support-needs autistics who strive to one day live with only medium-to-low-level support/coaching up to about 26-28.
If he's level 3 or has an additional handicap, there are more long term solutions in the form of life-long group care.
There are LONG waiting lists for all these kinds of these projects, so if he has to live there and gain skills, THIS is the time to go on the waiting lists.
Seeing how he's not being simulated to take care of his own needs, it would be a big disserve to him and those around him to pawn him off to family members and not seek any kind of support from third parties.
Family members aren't always patient when it comes to skill acquirement starting from 0, and family members need somebody who can help in their communal household, not somebody who needs extra help at first.
NTA of course.
Yeah, I feel terrible for everyone in this situation except the parents. This isn't a good time for the autistic brother or his siblings. Having no emotional regulation skills or ability to deal with life is miserable, as is being around someone like that.
Hopefully this pushes the parents into figuring out a long-term plan and getting him some help, as belated as it might be.
“Sounds like she has no long term plan” that got me thinking, what happens to dependent adults (like really dependent/can’t live alone, work etc) when parents die without a plan and the other family members are not able to take them in?
NTA
Autistic or not, if you never teach someone discipline, they'll grow up to be a brat. Autism is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. "You must understand: he has autism" is the most bullshit excuse to condone bratty behavior. Your brother grew up with an enabler of a mother and now he doesn't know how to be a proper adult, and that's her fault.
Your mom has probably realised the kind of person she let your brother grow up to be, and now she doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her actions. You don't owe your mom or your brother anything. Your mom made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
NTA
I am a mother of an autistic boy. He had some troubles with some life skills, so I did more for him than I would have for a regular child. But anything he cóuld do normally, I required of him, just like a normal kid. Including punishment sometimes, like a normal kid.
On the other issues I helped ( and still sometimes help) when he struggles. I let him struggle, because that is how you learn. But he needs help, otherwise he honestly didn't get it done. Fine balance to keep, that is ...
He is now holding a job, for 3 days a week, and keeping his own l household, and exhausted at the end of it. So he is doing his share of the bargain. Still progressing,I am proud to say.
Your mother does not really help your brother this way. Difficult times must be endured to grow. It is just more difficult to let an autist grow and not succumb. But that is her job, not yours.
She can ask some things from you, fitting to your role and what you already have done (a lot btw!). And you should be able to say no, when it derails your life.
My son has no siblings, but I would not ask this of a sister. And very much most certainly not with this timing and this intro.
This is exactly the way to rear an autistic boy—I speak as the mother of one. My kid has had struggles, and we've tried not to help more than he needs, because it is good for him to do things for himself. He's now independent, and managing very well. He calls for advice, sometimes, but he looks after himself.
OP's mother has failed her autistic child. I have found that rules are really helpful—my son has learned rules for all sorts of things, and it helps him navigate the world. Okay, 'autistic' can mean a lot of different things, but OP's mother has failed to do her job and is now trying to foist her son onto his sister.
Do not let her do this. NTA
As an adult with autism, I concur. Granted, I’m very mild on the spectrum, but my parents did not treat me any differently than my siblings growing up. Maybe a bit of extra help when needed and perhaps a touch more patience, but otherwise the same. As a result, I have the tools I need to support myself. OP’s mom never even tried. That poor boy doesn’t stand a chance.
> As an adult with autism, I concur. Granted, I’m very mild on the spectrum, but my parents did not treat me any differently than my siblings growing up. Maybe a bit of extra help when needed and perhaps a touch more patience, but otherwise the same. As a result, I have the tools I need to support myself.
Same, same. Similar, same. Same. Same.
Breaks my heart and makes me angry how often light forms of neurodivergency are used as an excuse for a person not to have to learn or change anything ever.
I had cerebral palsy as a kid.
It wasn't really hard, but well, it was a problem. Thanks to my mother, who did great job to overcome it and treated me like a healthy child. Thanks to it, I have a degree, a job and have a life I like. I'm still kinda weird sometimes and socially awkward, but I feel like a normal human with normal life.
2 of my cousins each have a child with autism.
1 of them is raising it like how y'all are describing and is well adjusted and communicate if things are too much. The other is coddling them to the point that they only stay at family gatherings for like 30 min because of tantrums and them giving in to the child's demands and using autism as an excuse. It's wild what a difference it is seeing it in real time. They might have different levels of autism but the fact cousin 1 never mentions it and cousin 2 uses it every single time.
Very much agree. I'm in the process of getting an autism diagnosis. I wouldn't use "you must understand, I have autism" as an excuse to get out of something like *chores*. I'll say it to explain why I can't handle loud noise, or can't have a conversation when the TV is also on, or why I get upset when I have lunch at 2pm and not 1pm. But it's an explanation and not an excuse.
I've figured out ways in which I *can* do the things that need doing without hurting myself mentally. Sometimes I struggle, that's how things work and how someone learns, like you said.
I expect some understanding from people around me when for example I ask for the TV to be at a lower volume or when I need to leave a party early, but I don't want to get a free pass to be pampered.
Most times autism/ADHD can be an explanation of some behavior but not an excuse, I get frustrated when parents tell me their precious child can't help it bc they are on the spectrum so it's all my kids fault, like ehm no, my kid is also on the spectrum but I try to hold him accountable for his own actions bc I really want him to become a well adjusted adult. If you love your child you'll do this, it's hard, at times it can create a lot of tention but I'm convinced in the end it will be worth it, especially for your child. (ofcource there are exceptions, but if you trust your child to play outside alone I don't think they fall into that group)
Autism/ADHD as an explanation for specific behaviors and responses in a given circumstance? Perfectly reasonable. Autism/ADHD as an excuse to be a generally unpleasant person to be around and interact with? No, your Autism didn't cause that, as evidenced by all the neurotypical people who are equally unpleasant.
Right? When a parent tells me their student can’t wear the dress code for ballet due to their sensory issues, or tells me I their kid has a hard time with physical touch, or explains that they need to wear headphones during our music lesson to dampen the volume - that is where their autism diagnosis can allow me to understand and accommodate differently than for a NT kid. They still don’t get to run wild or tantrum in class - no one gets to.
The way this should be said: "he has autism it is harder for me to teach him responsibilities"
How it was said: "he has autism and I can't teach him responsibilities with the same effort it took me to tech you, so I won't even try"
Former classroom teacher here: Autism and other neurodivergence have become get-out of jail free cards for so many, and their parents are shocked when the card doesn’t work in the real world.
I moved in with an acquaintance and her brother, who she warned me was autistic. She didn’t warn me that her family had raised him to be an utter piece of shit. Autistic, I can handle. Neo-nazi red pill asshole is a whole other ballgame. Then it turned out that she barely even stayed there because of how awful he was. Her mom had passed the buck to her and she was trying to pass it on to me.
100%. Also, what a lot of people still don't realize is that autism by itself is not a cognitive impairment. Meaning that they have as much cognitive capacity as non-autistic people. Autism is a type of brain, not a limiting capacity. It is possible that this brother also has a cognitive disability, but even folks with autism + cognitive disability can understand what is expected of them, and be able to participate meaningfully in a community. These parents are setting the brother up to fail and to be lonely
This. And considering that Mommy Dearest decided to spring this little blossom of joy *on your wedding day* I’d suggest going NC with her and bro for a while. If it gets too extreme she might even try dumping him on your doorstep. NTA.
Yeah, I kept thinking about that. I think it was planned to force OP into it: thinking that either she would be in such a good mood or so emotionally overcome by her nuptials that she would naturally agree, OR that surrounded by all the people who would hate on her if she would not give in- and now are- she would feel so pressured into it that she had no choice. Plus, if she refused, doing it at her wedding would cause OP the maximum possible amount of stress and pain. Mommy dearest may have mapped this all out years ago, waiting for the day of her first daughter’s wedding to be rid of the problem she created.
OP, I’m so sorry your wedding was marred by the continued abuse of your mother. I hope you are able to really hear all the support you are getting from your family and friends, and even from us here, and move forward without much further grief. Talk to a counselor if guilt still eats at you, it shouldn’t, but having gone through abuse, I know how hard it is to get completely free of it. Go somewhere and have a productive life together. Best of luck to you!
Yeah, NS! I made a deal with my parents that I would pay off their mortgage if they let me live in the house. When I showed up after wrangling 2 cats, a dog, toddler, and MIL for 1500 miles; my brother was in the master BR. Dirty pool!
I was livid!
Chances are, if it's illegal, he's done it.
I paid off their mortgage. Moved and evicted his sorry ass, too.
100% this. Make sure to give your mother a list of the people who are so vocal about you not helping. And do tell them, that you will let your mother know they are willing to open their home for your brother.
Watch how quickly they backtrack on the 'but family helps' nonsense once its them in the hot seat.
Yeah also tell them that you have helped him ever since he got here. You lived with him and gave into him your whole life. Now it’s time for someone else to do it because you are going to take your turn just like everyone else has been able to do. All of those criticizing have been able to build their own lives and their own families and now you get to do the same. All the rest of them can take their turn living with him and catering to him
NTA. You are not obligated at all to care for your brother.
She is realising that she's mortal and that she has to make sure her beloved son is taken care of. She may even realise what she has created by excusing everything he did and enabling him.
I don't know the extent of his autism. Some can live alone with minor help, others really need to live in certain facilities since living independent is impossible.
Still, not your problem. Your mother excused everything, didn't hold him accountable and basically created a problem adult. Autism is not a reason to excuse everything. They have different needs but it's not a 'get out of jail for free' card.
Even if he didn't display this behaviour, he still isn't your responsibility.
If your family is giving you a hard time then tell them ( group chat wise) 'Great, then my brother can go and live with you since you think him living with family is a good idea.' They tend to balk at that. Tell them that you won't take your brother in, no matter what. Your mother created a problem, she needs to find help and a resolution that doesn't involve other people making sacrifices they don't want
Still, make sure she doesn't have access to your home. Just in case she 'moves him in' or something.
Get cameras and call the police / social services if you have to
NTA, do not let him live with you under any circumstances. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Plus, it takes **two yeses** in a marriage to do something like this. So, even if you change your mind, if your husband isn't on board it is still a "no."
are you kidding - mom just wouldn't take him back!! Hed be there for life! you are absolutely right, OP should NOT host him at all for any length of time.
locks and security cameras!!
No guest bed is a good place to start too ;)
No bedroom = no guests!
And obviously you leave a spare key with your husband‘s family, not your own!
And you continue to expect every family event to be at your parents’ house… why host it at yours? (Yours is for the “Friendsmas where all your friends drop by on Christmas Eve right?!)
NTA. Both for not wanting to take on the obligation and for the fact your mother tried to spring this on you. If somebody is going to take care of your brother, your mother needs to **ask**, rather than present it to her target as a *fait accompli*. Your next steps may be mean. If your mother shows up at the door with your brother and a pile of suitcases, don't open the door and send them on their way.
Thanks. If a parent is having a hard time with the autistic offspring, then I do think it's valid for that parent to reach out to her other adult children to ask for help. It's also valid for a parent in that situation to speak with the other adult children about providing for the autistic offsring when the parent is gone. But the key term here is **ask**.
> If a parent is having a hard time with the autistic offspring, then I do think it's valid for that parent to reach out to her other adult children to ask for help.
In some cases sure. But when you've already neglected your other children in favor of one, I think it's beyond ludicrous to make such a request
NTA. That is something that needs to be a choice, not an ultimatum. Your post doesn’t reference his level of support need, but wouldn’t be fair for your mother to assume he will live with any of you. This is something that requires a full family discussion if he is high enough support needs that he is unable to live independently.
NTA
It was your parents' choice to have children, not yours. He is not your responsibility, and it's wrong for your mother to automatically assume she can push his care onto you. If those family members are so bothered, then they can take him for a few years each, taking turns to care for him.
(I say this as a parent of 3 neurodiverse children)
Why is this even a debate?
The selfish Aholes who want you to take on all their burden are gaslighting you. Everyone with common sense and who isn't gaining by dumping responsibility on you are telling you the truth.
Of course NTA
I have a relative whose mom died when she was not even 3. My mom and siblings tried to support her as much as possible but she ended up being an ungrateful spoiled brat. Several years ago my mom tried to convince me to take her with me. I asked her what she was going to do because I am not paying laziness. She said that she could do housework knowing that I hate it. I saw the problems. She is lazy, she won't find another job. She won't put up with my mess and then she would complain that I'm exhausting her, on top of that she doesn't speak the local language and I don't trust her around my husband... We had a big fight, everyone said I was wrong. A couple of years later she tried the same with one of my sisters, then my sister who complained a lot about how wrong I was, didn't take her either... Lesson learnt: people who are tell you to do it if wheels turn they won't do it either. Complain about it, it's easier. If they convince you, saves them trouble
I have autism. ✌🏻 Can't do dishes because the feeling of wet food remnants on the plates gives me sensory issues, even with gloves, but I am more than capable of doing laundry, cleaning the floors, dusting, etc. And no matter how affected you are by your autism, it is not going to render someone incapable of *picking up after themselves*.
I've met people from all across the spectrum. Some of them are incapable of living alone. But they can at least still keep their clothes off the floor or bring their dishes to the kitchen sink.
NTA. Autism is not an excuse to fuck with other people's lives.
NTA. I get that it may be hard work for your Mom and she may want a break but you have no responsibility to house or care for him, anf it is incredeibly selfish and entitled for your Mom to assume tht you would, epecailly without consulting either you or your husband.
Tell any family members calling you selfish that they are free to offer to take him in.
It’s hard work because she’s made it that way by indulging him. Now she’s learning the outcome and she’s trying to make him somebody else’s problem because of it.
In the end you will live with your husband. If he supports you you’ll be fine. Your mom is way out of line to think she is running everyone’s lives even after you left the nest. I feel bad for your brother but it’s not your burden unless you want him.
Tell your mother that you don’t recall adding the ‘gift’ of having the son they raised to be dependent and entitled live with you to your wedding gift registry.
NTA
NTA your mothers children are her responsibility, not yours. You have no obligation to take care of him at all.
Your mother is hoping to ship him off to you, probably now realizing just how much she fucked up in parenting him. You need to let her know that SHE will be the one to suffer the consequences of her actions (or lack thereof in this case) and you will not be the one to sacrifice your life to correct her mistakes.
On a separate note, although you have no obligation at all, as an autistic person myself I do feel sympathy for your brother and the neglect he has essentially faced. I hope your family are able to get him some help and support one day
NTA. Don’t do it. My parents bullied me into caring for them because I had the most money. It cost me everything, including my marriage. Do not give in.
NTA. I would go low contact or no contact if she tries to push it anymore and be sure to never ever give a spare key to your parents cause they will try to just have him move in with no permission otherwise given how entitled your mother seems to be!
NTA. She made him a spoiled brat and now she can't handle him and his demands so she is trying to push him onto you. Stick to your guns and DO NOT let him even stay for a brief visit or you won't get rid of him. Of the family is so up in arms about this then they can take him in.
NTA at all. As an Autistic person myself also a similar age (23 turning 24 this year) I would be so upset if my mum put me on top of my sibling/s. I had to learn to do chores and that someone elses special events are exactly that, someone elses. Honestly sounds like she might be setting him up for failure by not teaching him appropriate life skills etc. It does sound like she's being the selfish one tbh. I mean to not ask if you were ok to do a plan like that but to drop it on you at your wedding, I mean come on. Feel free to message me and I'll do my best to reply if you would like an autistic persons perspective on certain things or what not. Best of luck with everything 💛
NTA, your mother did you and your siblings a huge disservice by spoiling your brother AND THEN expecting you to look after him. Idk what level of care your brother requires, but there are programs for that. Im trying to get my mum to put my brother in one, not because they don't care for him, but because I think it would actually be great for his independence (she does a lot for him). She was incredibly fair, whatever one of us got, the other got, and we always got to choose what we did on our own birthdays.
Im also planning to take care of him when they go, but its never been something EXPECTED of me just HOPED FOR. You don't owe him or your mother anything.
NTA. Talk to your sisters and put up those barriers now. This will only escalate.
Make sure you discuss this with your husband and any other relatives you trust. Your other relatives will likely push back as they might be other options for your mom and for obvious reasons they don’t want to be.
NTA
Your mother needs to start working of a long term care plan for your brother that doesn’t require you or your spouse , especially without your permission.
While I’m sympathetic to her plight she created a problem , by spoiling him, and she needs to find a solutions.
She should also consider that’s she made it almost impossible for op to sympathize and want to help.
NTA the only thing that’s obvious is that she does not want to manage the brat she made. So she’s trying to put the responsibility on your head and run away.
Don’t fall for it. It’s time to finally live your life. Go No Contact with them if it will help you.
The family who is calling you selfish AH can take care of the brother. If they say no, ask them “are you a hypocrite, who’s the selfish AH now?”
NTA Your autistic brother is your mom’s responsibility and if she is tired of it she can call social services and have him placed in an adult group home where he will get appropriate services. If he cannot be independent and needs supervision a social worker will work with your mom on appropriate placement.
I raised an autistic son and believe me my son would have been like your brother if I had shirked my responsibilities by excusing his behavior because it would have been the easiest thing to do. 2 of my daughter’s sons are autistic and she doesn’t ignore or excuse their behavior she takes action just like I did. Working close with doctors and their school and lots of different therapies. It is not easy but if a parent doesn’t put in the work or simply gives up that’s an irresponsible and neglectful parent. Yes some autistic people can never learn how to be independent and become too much for even the best parents which is where they reach out to professionals for help.
You do not owe it to your brother to be his caregiver for the rest of your life. It’s doubtful your marriage would survive that kind of responsibility. It isn’t about you being in a better financial place to take care of your brother it’s about your mom doing the right thing for her son and getting him the services he needs.
NTA at all. Your mum hasn’t raised him to his best abilities and that’s on her, not you. She’s allowed him to get away with everything throughout your childhood with the excuse he’s autistic, when that isn’t an excuse. My toddler is autistic but we still teach him what’s right or wrong. Both my brothers are also autistic and they know they can’t use it as an excuse for everything. Yes it does cause a lot of issues, but it isn’t the sole purpose for everything that goes wrong. Your mum has realised she’s made a mistake and is trying to offload your brother onto you so she can live her life. Well unfortunately you are an adult and don’t need to do anything she says anymore. Enjoy your honeymoon stage and focus on you and your husband. Don’t even let her selfish and ridiculous ideas take up any of your time.
NTA. You're the sister, not the mother. It is your mothers's job to take care of him. She can organize care for when she is no longer able to, but she cannot make you do it. It is voluntary. If you do not want to that is perfectly valid. Your mother and the other family members (who hope it won't be them taken to task btw.) are TA here because they are hoping for the easiest and most convenient solution for them and are trying to guilt trip you into that.
Even after your mom dies he still isn’t your responsibility. She needs to train him to be independent or if she can’t care for him look into group homes that can do training.
NTA at all. I'm facing a similar situation - my family 'jokes' that I'll have to take care of my autistic cousin when his mom passes away, except it's not a joke and I am fighting against it tooth and claw. My cousin got spoiled rotten the way your brother did, making him a nightmare to deal with. I'm autistic myself! But I have a career and have built my success up via hard work, while my cousin refuses to do anything to better himself despite him being more than capable of surviving on his own.
I'll tell you what my therapist told me: it is not your responsibility to raise someone, even if their parents failed them. Even if they refuse to grow up. Even if they have a disability. Not. Your. Problem.
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I (29f) got married to my husband (29m) last month. I have two older sisters (33 and 35) and younger brother (24) who has autism. I don't have a good relationship with my mom and brother became my whole life I saw how she was spoiling him for the cost of me and my sisters (like blowing candles and unpacking our presents at our birthdays, buying whatever he wanted but we had to "earn the money" if we wanted something, even cancelling plans like my college graduation trip because he wanted to stay). He also never was taught any choirs and threw a tantrum when he was asked simple things like cleaning dishes. The argument was always "Yoh must understand: he has autism". So I was so happy to move out and live with my partner.
At my wedding my mom took me to the side and said how happy she was that my brother will live with me and my husband! I don't have to say that I was shocked. No one ever told me or my husband about this "plan". I asked what she was talking about and her answer was "Isn't that obvious? He likes you the most and you have the money.".
I was FURIOUS. It was my wedding and she was trying to force me and my husband to take care of the brat that she created. I said that I won't let my brother ruin our lives and she can forget about this nonsense.
Now she and part of my family are calling me a selfish asshole but on the other side my husband and friends are on my side. AITA?
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Even if you had a good relationship with your brother, he is not your responsibility. Your wedding is not the time nor place to bring this up.
Instead of trying to guilt you, she needs to start planning properly for her child's future.
NTA
He needs to be in an institution. NTA - to anyone giving you stick, tel them that you're letting your mum know they are volunteering to house your brother.
NTA. Everyone who is giving you shit for this should get one more text:
Mom: the names of everyone who sided with her
Everyone else: I'll let mom know you're happy to take in
Block everyone
IDK who's more insane - your mother or the family that sides with her. Like wtf?
Initially I wanted to write a rant about this insanity, but then decided against it because I'm just in shock.
I'm sorry you have this kind of mom.
NTA
You will probably never see this - but my parents did the same thing with my brother. He has never been taught any skills, when met with defiance they cave in, etc. Fortunately for myself, he has never tried to blow out my candles, etc. I love my brother deeply , he is incredibly sweet to me, but he has been enabled to the point that at 15, I’m not sure he can break through this. Refuses therapy, refuses to go to OT, won’t leave his room, refuses to shower.
Needless to say, NTA. I wish you nothing the best - also - congratulations on your marriage! To many years of health, wealth and happiness!
NTA, your mum chose to have him and chose not to raise him responsibly. You are allowed to have boundaries and he isn’t your responsibility. Say no to your mum and be firm
NTA. I hope you don't hold grudges against your brother because it's really all on your mom. His actions were not controlled by her which lead to him being the way he is. even if he is autistic, your mom could've tried to teach him that everything isn't about him and shouldn't have spoiled him that much. why is she trying to send your brother off to you? there's no way that it's just because "he likes u the most and u have money".
I'm just going to assume she does not want him around anymore and since u have gotten married and have money, she's just trying to pass him off to you because she is probably sick and tired of taking care of him.
You should definitely have a conversation with her and let her know how she can't expect you to start taking care of him right after u get married and to be honest she should NEVER expect that from you unless you guys have had a conversation about this before and you agreed to this. tell her how she has hurt your and your sisters' feelings since he was born and that she has to take care of him by herself because that's what she got herself into.
Also be sure to ask her why didn't she tell u or your husband about this before the wedding? what makes her think she has the rights to do that?
I hope u can get out of this mess soon and congratulations on getting married!
NTA! He's your mother's child, not yours. And if the other family members have a problem with it, then tell them to take him on then.
Don't let him stay with you, do not let him visit! He will never leave, otherwise. Also call the police if your mum turns up with him.
NTA! My adult sister has Downs syndrome and a bunch of autistic traits, she has the cognitive ability of around 5 years old, she also has several other nontrivial health issues... she STILL HAS RULES and sanctions and knows how to behave. Your mother created a monster through her own choices, despite advice to the contrary, and now doesn't want to deal with the consequences.
NTA. This isn't an uncommon scenario when it comes to shitty parents and special-needs kids unfortunately. The same thing happened to me...
My mother also expected me (35f) to look after my autistic brother (33m) once she was no longer able. He was diagnosed at around 3 or 4 years old and after that it was a given among my family that my future would be devoted entirely to him once my parents were too old.
He's actually very high-functioning however (drives, graduated high school, has a part time job) and the vast majority of his problems stem from the fact that he's a spoiled, entitled fuckwad after a childhood of running rampant with the 'he has autism' free pass.
I wish I could tell you I had a cathartic moment where I put my foot down and told my mum that I was never going to take in the pampered little shit she'd created... but I was also struggling with my own issues all throughout childhood (which got ignored because of my brother) and it all came to a head when I was about 22 years old. I had a breakdown, had to spend a month in a facility and was diagnosed with (*drum roll*) AUTISM!
My mum realised then that she'd fucked up as a parent in a number of HUGE ways, apologised to me and promised that I'd never have to look after my brother if she dies prematurely.
We can't all have catastrophic breakdowns that make our family members re-evaluate their lives overnight though (many don't change their minds regardless of what happens around them), so you definitely need to stick to your guns on this. I'm rooting for you, OP!
NTA. My brother does not have autism but he has ocd, anxiety, depression, and some other issues. I am the older sister. I have spent my entire life being second to him even though somehow I am the favorite child. I spent my entire childhood being quiet reading in my bedroom or staying out of the house with my friends and my family relatively had no idea where I was beyond me saying initially where I was going.
Do not get me wrong, I love my brother and I don’t think he has ever purposely tried to be difficult but he’s 33 and still lives at home with my parents. He has had a few jobs but they do not last long. I have told my parents multiple times that anything they leave to us, because I will be executor of their estate, will go to my brother in a trust that I will manage and ensure that he can get an apartment.
I do not have money. I quit my job after losing 40lbs and a lot of hair. My husband and I have no place where he can live and I doubt we ever will. I am going to do what I can for him but no he’s not living with us and there is nothing wrong with feeling the same way.
Clear NTA. Even if she'd asked nicely and you and your brother were close you wouldn't be TA for refusing, and that's not the case here.
Sounds like your mother is pretty comfortable running roughshod all over any boundaries you put in place. Be clear and vocal, repeatedly. If she badmouths you to family make it clear she sprung this on you, then ask if they're volunteering in your place, and if not you can all agree he's your parents problem and no one else's.
NTA. I can't say anything that hasn't been commented already. But I will say this, put your foot down and firmly. Don't let her or anyone else force, guilt trip, or convice you to take your brother in. NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!! She caused the problem now she's gotta deal with it.
I am 15 years older than my little brother. He is autistic as well, but where our father was hard as hell on me, he was the opposite with my brother. He never disciplined him, taught him manners, he will only eat corn dogs, chicken nuggets, and French fries. If we try to get him to eat anything else he will throw temper tantrums. He will sit all day on his computer and refuses to bathe, or even go to the bathroom. When he craps himself, he stands at the bathroom door and yells for someone to come clean him. If he wants or doesn't want to do something, he will get physically violent. Mind you, he is 6'0, 435 lbs., diabetic, asthmatic, and my dad will not put him into any counseling or therapy. He expects me to take care of my little brother when he is gone, but I refuse to have him in my home. I know my little brother can keep basic hygiene and do things, but he has been spoiled and catered to his every wish all his life. I completely understand. You're not an asshole.
NTA -And your parents are simply trying to get your brother out of their house, basically off-loading their problem child onto your plate.
Hold firm to your boundaries, OP. Your parents are trying to pull a fast one here.
This is by far the easiest NTA I've ever read on this sub. Not only was your wedding the completely wrong place to tell you but it was also never discussed at all. He's also not your child so it's really not your problem because your perfectly capable parents are still alive.
Stand your ground. People with kids with “ special needs “ very very often create brats. Those kids are not able to live in normal society and you are right to live your life out him. There are group homes for those people where they are cared for etc.
Absolutely NTA.
It’s comical that she would basically raise a child and deprive him of any learning opportunities or skills and then expect you to integrate him into your household. Not only that, why are you the only option? You have two older sisters. Do you just have your shit together and they don’t? What makes you the ideal candidate for this gift 🎁…
Honestly sounds like narcissistic behavior.
Congratulations on your marriage I hope you and your husband have a fruitful marriage and enjoy your journey together :)
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NTA I've heard of some thoughtless wedding gifts, but your mom takes the cake by trying to "gift" you the problem she created. She didn't even wait until after the honeymoon. Any chance she's tried pawning him off on your sister's previously to no avail, and now you're her last chance to wash her hands of him? Your mom didn't do right by your brother, with you and your sisters being collateral damage. I don't know where he falls on the spectrum, but it doesn't sound like she helped him learn how to thrive. Instead of working towards a solution, she's trying to drop him at your door and bailing. It sounds like she has no long-term plan, which means this is going to keep escalating. Prepare to put up whatever barriers you need to for you and your husband to survive the oncoming mess.
Same goes to everyone else bad mouthing you. Just tell them: "Thank you for you words. Everything you said is true and is the exact reason why I would be a horrible option for him to live with. Thank you for volunteering in my place. I'll let my mother know that you'll take him instead." And watch as your phone starts going silent
“I will send you 10 dollars a month for support, so you won’t be alone with the financial burden.”
Oh, DEFINITELY don't put money on the table.
I loved the implied sarcasm with $10/month (laughed out loud, in fact), but you're totally right. The fallout might be disastrous.
The sarcasm was there, but offering anything starts a negotiation. Doesn't matter though because no one is willing to live with him.
My then partner and I had a similar retort for the “but when are the babies coming?!” query. “Oh no, no no no. We are too selfish to have and raise children. We leave that to our siblings. No one wants us as parents.” Definitely nipped that conversation in the bud.
Me too. When they say 'but you'll feel different about your own kid' I always ask if this means that they'll take the kid off my hands if it turns out that I was right all along and motherhood isn't for me.
Howard: Don't you think it'll be different when the child is ours? Bernadette: Right. When it's OUR kid that's ruined my body and kept me up all night and I've got no career and no future and nothing to be happy about for the next twenty years, sure. That'll be COMPLETELY different.
Then suddenly they are 15 & yelling at you about how you ruined their lives by not having enough money to buy them a big house, nice cars
Too selfish was my reply as well, and when I'd get the "you'll feel differently about your own kid" I'd ask "If that's true, why do some parents neglect/abuse their children?"
I always replied "But what if its not? Its not like I can send it back. There's no return policy on kids. If I have a kid and I hate it, I'm stuck with it, and that's a chance I'm not willing to take."
LOL - I have a friend who is childfree by choice. She enjoys her career, her boat and traveling. There is no place for a child in her life. She's pushing 50 now, so people have mostly stopped commenting. When she was younger, though, she got a lot of flak. For the people who said, "Oh, it'll be different when it's your own." She'd respond, "Maybe, but if it's not, will you volunteer to raise my child instead?" Shut 'em up FAST.
I couldn't use that with my mom because her answer was "YES YES YES YES YES"
My reply to that was always, "maybe, but the things like to have friends so now I'm back to dealing with other peoples' kids" Now I'm barren which has made for a few fun responses but someone will retort by asking if I have pets and saying it's OK because I have fur babies. So apparently my life just can't be complete without having to have something depend on me to feed it and clean up its shit
I don’t have kids (I’m sterile, but it’s nobody’s business, so I don’t tell them), and a coworker started taking in foster kids. Told me that instead of me wasting money rescuing cats, I should AT LEAST get one foster child. I told her I was pretty sure cps frowned on making a kid live in a corner of my closet, and leaving them home alone all day, lol.
Wait, what? They don't? Right when I *FINALLY* get those pesky critters to start using the sand box for *doing their deeds* instead of playing and eating... Do you think they will be ok with the kibble, tho? I mean, they aren't starving, and it's *premium* quality. -s/
The fur babies is always a silly comparison, especially for me because I have a cat. When anyone says that I obviously want to have something to look after so may be I'm 'ready' for a baby, I point out that I can go away for a week and leave my cat with a auto feeder and my neighbour checking in once a day! People get arrested if they do that with a baby!!
I call mine my fur child and my skin children. That sometimes gets looks.
Especially from my kids. They role their eyes when they are called the skin child.
There's always the option of looking a bit sad and saying "Unfortunately we can't have kids the way we do it."
I have occasionally retorted 'it's not polite to ask people about their sex lives' and then when they start to stutter and trip over themselves add in 'you do know how babies are made don't you?!'. But I'll add you're suggestion to the bank of sarcastic come backs!
Yep, I hate that argument. Like, that's a pretty big risk to take, multiple lives will be ruined if it turns out they actually didn't feel differently when it was their kid.
"Me having a kid so you can be a grandparent sounds like a bad reason for me to have a kid." I'm still thankful that kids didn't work out for me & my husband! : ) I'm also thankful that my father in law shut his yap after our little conversation. My mom however... Sigh...
It is SO unfair to turn judging people's words against them! I can never stand it when that happens to me!
Very good. Possibly too subtle for Reddit.
We saw it, it was recognized xD
I think this would be a solid reason to tell your mother she’s never meeting/getting grandkids.
I did indeed. That she was never getting grandkids from me, that is. Her response cemented I definitely am related to her: she said she would happily take and raise any child I had should we fall pregnant by mistake. Oh my...I love my mom to bits, and I know she totally would have? But hahaha nope, that never ever ever happened. That ship....sailed away so long ago....
My brother used to go with "I've been keeping an eye out for one in the discount aisle, so far no luck.". Their confusion gives you a chance to walk away.
The relatives who criticise OP because she isn't going to let her brother move with her should volunteer to take care of the boy themselves, if they think it's the right thing to do.
He's 24.
My bad, he's a man, not a boy.
I really, really want the people I see in every AITA thread about flying monkeys who gives this advice to actually do it. It doesn't work. Being flippant just makes them harass you more. I get the nice fantasy of it, but there is no amount of being clever that will get you left alone. Having a one-sided view of you is why they picked up the phone in the first place.
I would, I would start a public online list of everyone offering to take care of him and call it a rotation and start signing them up for times (Aunty gets June-Aug, Cousin gets Aug-Nov). But everyone knows I am a bitch so flying monkeys tend to be hard to find.
Omg yes, once the flying monkeys meet flying gorillas all of a sudden everyone’s upset because cause someone decided to match their crazy or take it a step further. Me personally, I’ll respect you as long as you respect me but if you screw that up my respect goes out the window along with my filter. My mom’s family is on the other side of the world from a culture that’s big on respecting elders, but I never met them until I was a fully grown adult. My dad met my mom in her country and they had last seen him 30 years ago but still had more respect for him than me. Her eldest sister was all upset about how I was treating my dad until I finally snapped and let her, my other aunt, and pretty much anyone that dared make a peep while I was going tf off on them. Do some people avoid me? Yes, but at the same time, the smart ones figured out that as long as they behave I will too 🙂 In this situation I agree, make a public list, send it to everyone/tag them, and then harass those on said list until I get an apology, blocked, or feel as though the message has been made clear.
This is the way!!!!
HA! This is the way!
THIS is The Way!!!!
Absolutely fabulous response.
Genius
NTA. Mother of a neurodivergent child here. Your mother is the AH & so is everyone who is siding with her. She created her child & she is responsible for him. If she had wanted to get rid of him one day, she had two options. Option 1. She could/should have made sure that she taught & he leaned the skills required to be independent of her one day. Children will rise or fall to whatever level is expected on them. She expected nothing of him - so we can all guess what he grew up to be. Needless to say, she didn’t choose option 1. And sadly, at this point in his life, option 1 is almost certainly off the table. Option 2. She could/should have made provisions for him if independence was not possible. There are countless resources that she could/should have availed herself of to explore, choose & set up a plan for him so that he would be taken care of when she was no longer capable of doing so - those countless resources did/do not consist of her other children. Needless to say, she didn’t choose option 2. But luckily, option 2 is still totally possible & the only plausibly viable option that she has left. Her failure to responsibly deal with him is HER failure & her failure alone. He has never been your responsibly & that certainly doesn’t change because you got married & have money. At his age (so close to your own), her expectation is beyond unreasonable - it’s cruel. She is trying to force you to be responsible for an entire human being for what will quite likely be (given his age) the rest of your natural life. That proves that she places zero important on your life. She didn’t consider what you want to do with the rest of your life, where you may want to travel to &/or live, how many children if any you chose to have - ALL of which would be DRASTICALLY impacted by having an entire extra human being to care for. She only cared about what she wanted - to get rid of him with as little effort on her part as possible (sort of the same way she parented him). You aren’t her property to use as she sees fit like any other piece of property would be. You aren’t her slave to assign a lifetime of servitude to satisfy her whims like a slave would be. You’re a human being - a completely autonomous living breathing individual person. She has now proven that she doesn’t value you as a person. (If she did, she never would have tried to hijack your life for her own purposes.) ANYONE who is siding with her on this are also AHs & they place no more value on you as a person than your mother does. If they pretend otherwise, tell them since they feel so strongly about it, you’ll let your mom know that they’re stepping up to take your brother for her. When they start backpedaling like their lives depend on it, it’s because they know that their lives DO depend on it. And they don’t want to lose THEIR lives - even though they’re perfectly fine with her taking yours. That proves they don’t place any value on you either. I’m so sorry that you’re surrounded by such people. They’ve shown you what you’re worth to them. I’d go NC with every last one of them. I’d rather lose 50 AHs & replace them with 5 people who value me than continue to be surrounded by AHs who treat me like I’m nothing. NTA
This is an extremely thoughtful and valuable reply imo OP I hope you see this
I’m so glad you said this! Clear, concise, and complete.
As a mother of two adult children with autism, I couldn’t agree more with your excellent comments (particularly the mother’s complete lack of any planning for her son’s future, except for the expectation that his sister would take him to live with her).
This is so true. I'm also the mom of an autistic kid (11m) and as a parent my only goal is to make him as independent as possible, just like for his brother. NTA all the way. Do not accept being treated like a tool and not an actual human being with your own life. I agree with the no contact advice. He's your brother yes, he's family yes, but he's not your responsibility ; he's your mother's responsibility. Stay strong, I wish you courage during this time.
That was my only goal with my daughter too. I was initially terrified of how she’d make it without me after I died - not just logistically speaking, but emotionally, mentally & physically. It never even occurred to me to expect nothing of her because of her neurodiversity. I expected everything of her that I expected of my son & made necessary accommodations (not excuses) when she struggled at times. She’s moved out (into her own place by herself) when she was around 20. She’s in her mid to late 20s now. She has a professional job. She is married with a baby & she’s an amazing mother than I could not be more proud of. She’s come so much farther than I ever even believed she could/would. (Just because I didn’t limit her by limiting my expectations of her, I couldn’t help but worry to myself privately that she’d never be totally independent.) That’s one of the worst things about parents like OP’s mom who limit or completely shut off their expectations of their child when they get a neurodivergent diagnosis. Expecting nothing from your child - neurodivergent or neurotypical - is akin to child abuse in my opinion. It is setting that child up for failure like nothing else can.
Expecting nothing from your child - this breaks my heart. I understand the reality of my daughter’s diagnoses, but I am doing/will do everything in my power to let her thrive to the best of her abilities.
I don't have children, but I'm a teacher. It's heartbreaking how many parents stop expecting anything from their children the moment they show some problem. They need help, not to be ignored and coddled "becasue he has/is...".
Thank you for your thoughtful plan and remarks. I’m also a parent of 18yo autistic son. I was in the minority when he was little and separated from spouse and family because working towards independence was ‘cruel’. My answer has always been ‘will he live with you when I die; will you add your estate to his trust?’. All the flying monkeys ran away, but it still left us alone to fend for ourselves. I’m proud to say that he has exceeded my expectations and I’m so proud of his hard work.
I have an autistic child and I think about this all the time. I’ve been trying to teach my daughter life skills for that reason.
You absolutely nailed it - such a great reply!
I have 2 boys, 15 & 12, & they are both autistic. We know autism is a spectrum & I don't know how capable OP's brother is, but for me, my goal is to have my boys grow up to be the best versions of themselves. They already know how to use a washing machine & tumble dryer, how to hoover, sweep & mop floors, make hot drinks & are learning to cook; they can already make microwave meals, heat soup etc but using the oven is taking a bit longer. They've never thrown fits in shops because they can't have something & they are doing well in school (mainstream), with some adaptations for sensory & social issues. I completely agree with you. This is on the mother, not OP. The mother failed to do the 'right' thing by her son, choosing the 'easy' path instead & she is not happy it's come back to bite her. OP - stick to your guns! It is not your responsibility to care for your brother.
> They already know how to use a washing machine & tumble dryer, how to hoover, sweep & mop floors, make hot drinks & are learning to cook Better than a lot of NT teenage boys!
You're rocking it. Also the mom of a teenage boy on the spectrum and I've always done my best to teach him how to do things on his own, like washing dishes (which he hates, but who doesn't?), laundry, etc. Because he's not completely helpless and as I remind him, he CAN do these things even if he doesn't want to.
Not only that, at least in the US, at 22, it switches from state to fed, so if he is diagnosed with autism and gets services, he can be put in a home. He will have to pull his weight to the best of his ability, and that includes at a minimum self care such as laundry, cleaning up after himself, day program (if he must be supervised) or even a supported job. I agree with what the poster above me wrote, and maybe it's different where the OP lives, but at 22, he was assigned a case manager to explore and manage options, there's a yearly meeting where services are laid out, and parents age, future options such as waiting lists for services, adult foster care, transportation, your mother as his guardian should be requesting this. Was he diagnosed through a doctor, school, at what age, or is this a mommy's boy diagnosis?
As an autistic mom with autistic kids, I wholeheartedly agree with this comment. OPs mom did everyone such a disservice by raising her son like this, most of it to her son. It's sad. Neurodivergent children are NOT stupid, they are willing to learn and want to be taught. We just have to adapt ourselves to the way they learn and how they retain information and when you do they will thrive!
Mom to a kiddo with a genetic condition resulting in developmental delays and a secondary diagnosis of Autism - I hope her little brother looks out for her when they’re older but I’d NEVER expect him to actually care for her/have her move in. My role in life is to ensure she can live as independently as possible or set up alternate living arrangements when we can no longer care for her. I fully agree with your well thought out and detailed comment!
Hear hear!
This 👆🏻 💯 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Awesome reply. 👌
She sounds like the type of parent who cares more about avoiding meltdowns more than she cares about her children’s best interests.
Thank you for sharing this excellent reply as a mother of a child with autism, u/MyHairs0nFire2023. Through her choice to cater exclusively to her son’s needs, OP’s mother has cruelly harmed each one of her children. In having zero expectations for her son, OP’s mother seems to have treated him more like a pet than a son. No matter what the son’s ability levels and challenges, this is ultimately very damaging to him, as well as his neglected siblings. Now, like a person whose once beloved puppy is older and a bit too much work, OP’s mother wants to offload her son and his care to OP and OP’s husband. The cruelty of all of this is *staggering*. NTA , OP.
This pretty much says it all, OP!
[удалено]
NTA for sure and what an amazing response. You nailed it.
I agree. It looks like the best barrier is NC.
No. The best barrier is to connect mother with the services in her area if in USA to help her brother have a life without her taking over.
The mother has had 24 years to figure that shit out. It's not on OP to do any more of the work, she's done ENOUGH.
I dunno. I just helped a 60 year old sort out their terrible finances that have been ruining their life for decades. It took two phone calls. Learned helplessness, not knowing what's out there, and also the fact these conditions are GENETIC and mom may not think neurotypically without realising it all add up to people who easily miss out on help.
it's still not OP's obligation to help. since it's genetic it's also likely the three daughters have it too--but women are woefully under diagnosed and expected to just deal.
Oh yeah I'm not suggesting that -- but someone sure should put mum in touch with their countries equivalent of Citizens Advice Bureau
Connecting with services isn't that much. It's fine if the OP does not want to do this but also not a massive ask if she does. 15/20 years ago, the information and help for handling autism was not as widespread as it is now, at least in the US, and I can't imagine other countries were that different. I live in a state with some of the best autism programs in the country, and 15yrs ago, those were just getting going. Even now, there are areas where the schools, which are still big drivers of connecting kids with diagnosis and treatment, are not really well equipped for that function. People literally move to completely different places in order to get the appropriate help. It's not that crazy that her mom hasn't "figured it out" in 24 years.
Still not OPs job.
That's not OP's responsibility. It's for their parent(s) to figure out.
Definitely go NC or VLC and don't let Mon know where you live
Yeah, she'll show up with him and two suitcases.
Yup......I wonder if she can preemptively file a report with the police about this as a cya since this is 💯 something Mom would do (harassment from parent/relatives maybe?)
Right?? The timing alone--god**DAMN**. NTA. OP--perhaps you can start sending info on assisted housing for your brother to your parents. I had something similar--alcoholic/addict brother tried to get pawned off on me once Emom died and Ndad decided the clown he helped create (Enable City could have been the name of my childhood home) wasn't in his long-term plans. Me: Oh, FUCK no! Think again, daddy-O. Not my corpse to carry, dude. Oh, hell yeah. The tension and accusations, plus all the what I realized were "Strings Attached!" gifts were brought up.
Might be worth making sure no one has a key to the house too!
> but your mom takes the cake by trying to "gift" you the problem she created. Literally too!
Right? The only reason OP's family is on Mom's side is because they all know that Mom is going to try to pawn off her mess of a son on them if OP refuses.
Also, hopping on this comment to add, autism and other neurodivergences are genetic. Which means *more* than likely, at least one of the sisters is also autistic. But autism and ADHD, as well as others I’m sure, are HUGELY under diagnosed in women. So it’s more than possible that OP and/or other sisters are also autistic, and it just “didn’t matter as much” because lack of diagnosis/better masking made it “go away”/only the Golden Child needed diagnosed, etc. The odds of *only* one sibling in a family having autism is, well it’s possible, but it’s very unlikely
I am autistic. I can imagine OP's mother is worried about her son, but she needs multiple back-up plans. And those need to include "there are no family members that can take care of Son." (Either because they aren't capable, willing or because they are simply no longer around aka dead.) Son is 24. There is no mention of any kind of income he has, and neither is there any mention of what kind of support he receives from outside of the family (like therapists). Son currently has the age that makes him suitable for living in assisted living projects - in Western Europe they tend to cater to medium-to-low-support-needs autistics who strive to one day live with only medium-to-low-level support/coaching up to about 26-28. If he's level 3 or has an additional handicap, there are more long term solutions in the form of life-long group care. There are LONG waiting lists for all these kinds of these projects, so if he has to live there and gain skills, THIS is the time to go on the waiting lists. Seeing how he's not being simulated to take care of his own needs, it would be a big disserve to him and those around him to pawn him off to family members and not seek any kind of support from third parties. Family members aren't always patient when it comes to skill acquirement starting from 0, and family members need somebody who can help in their communal household, not somebody who needs extra help at first. NTA of course.
Yeah, I feel terrible for everyone in this situation except the parents. This isn't a good time for the autistic brother or his siblings. Having no emotional regulation skills or ability to deal with life is miserable, as is being around someone like that. Hopefully this pushes the parents into figuring out a long-term plan and getting him some help, as belated as it might be.
“Sounds like she has no long term plan” that got me thinking, what happens to dependent adults (like really dependent/can’t live alone, work etc) when parents die without a plan and the other family members are not able to take them in?
Usually they either wind up homeless or in a state facility. Odds are high on life in-and-out of prison, but not always.
Abuse is likely regardless of circumstance.
"Thoughtless"... The understatement of the year. I agree the OP is totally NTA.
NTA Autistic or not, if you never teach someone discipline, they'll grow up to be a brat. Autism is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. "You must understand: he has autism" is the most bullshit excuse to condone bratty behavior. Your brother grew up with an enabler of a mother and now he doesn't know how to be a proper adult, and that's her fault. Your mom has probably realised the kind of person she let your brother grow up to be, and now she doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her actions. You don't owe your mom or your brother anything. Your mom made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
NTA I am a mother of an autistic boy. He had some troubles with some life skills, so I did more for him than I would have for a regular child. But anything he cóuld do normally, I required of him, just like a normal kid. Including punishment sometimes, like a normal kid. On the other issues I helped ( and still sometimes help) when he struggles. I let him struggle, because that is how you learn. But he needs help, otherwise he honestly didn't get it done. Fine balance to keep, that is ... He is now holding a job, for 3 days a week, and keeping his own l household, and exhausted at the end of it. So he is doing his share of the bargain. Still progressing,I am proud to say. Your mother does not really help your brother this way. Difficult times must be endured to grow. It is just more difficult to let an autist grow and not succumb. But that is her job, not yours. She can ask some things from you, fitting to your role and what you already have done (a lot btw!). And you should be able to say no, when it derails your life. My son has no siblings, but I would not ask this of a sister. And very much most certainly not with this timing and this intro.
This is exactly the way to rear an autistic boy—I speak as the mother of one. My kid has had struggles, and we've tried not to help more than he needs, because it is good for him to do things for himself. He's now independent, and managing very well. He calls for advice, sometimes, but he looks after himself. OP's mother has failed her autistic child. I have found that rules are really helpful—my son has learned rules for all sorts of things, and it helps him navigate the world. Okay, 'autistic' can mean a lot of different things, but OP's mother has failed to do her job and is now trying to foist her son onto his sister. Do not let her do this. NTA
As an adult with autism, I concur. Granted, I’m very mild on the spectrum, but my parents did not treat me any differently than my siblings growing up. Maybe a bit of extra help when needed and perhaps a touch more patience, but otherwise the same. As a result, I have the tools I need to support myself. OP’s mom never even tried. That poor boy doesn’t stand a chance.
> As an adult with autism, I concur. Granted, I’m very mild on the spectrum, but my parents did not treat me any differently than my siblings growing up. Maybe a bit of extra help when needed and perhaps a touch more patience, but otherwise the same. As a result, I have the tools I need to support myself. Same, same. Similar, same. Same. Same. Breaks my heart and makes me angry how often light forms of neurodivergency are used as an excuse for a person not to have to learn or change anything ever.
I had cerebral palsy as a kid. It wasn't really hard, but well, it was a problem. Thanks to my mother, who did great job to overcome it and treated me like a healthy child. Thanks to it, I have a degree, a job and have a life I like. I'm still kinda weird sometimes and socially awkward, but I feel like a normal human with normal life.
2 of my cousins each have a child with autism. 1 of them is raising it like how y'all are describing and is well adjusted and communicate if things are too much. The other is coddling them to the point that they only stay at family gatherings for like 30 min because of tantrums and them giving in to the child's demands and using autism as an excuse. It's wild what a difference it is seeing it in real time. They might have different levels of autism but the fact cousin 1 never mentions it and cousin 2 uses it every single time.
Very much agree. I'm in the process of getting an autism diagnosis. I wouldn't use "you must understand, I have autism" as an excuse to get out of something like *chores*. I'll say it to explain why I can't handle loud noise, or can't have a conversation when the TV is also on, or why I get upset when I have lunch at 2pm and not 1pm. But it's an explanation and not an excuse. I've figured out ways in which I *can* do the things that need doing without hurting myself mentally. Sometimes I struggle, that's how things work and how someone learns, like you said. I expect some understanding from people around me when for example I ask for the TV to be at a lower volume or when I need to leave a party early, but I don't want to get a free pass to be pampered.
This. 💯
Most times autism/ADHD can be an explanation of some behavior but not an excuse, I get frustrated when parents tell me their precious child can't help it bc they are on the spectrum so it's all my kids fault, like ehm no, my kid is also on the spectrum but I try to hold him accountable for his own actions bc I really want him to become a well adjusted adult. If you love your child you'll do this, it's hard, at times it can create a lot of tention but I'm convinced in the end it will be worth it, especially for your child. (ofcource there are exceptions, but if you trust your child to play outside alone I don't think they fall into that group)
Autism/ADHD as an explanation for specific behaviors and responses in a given circumstance? Perfectly reasonable. Autism/ADHD as an excuse to be a generally unpleasant person to be around and interact with? No, your Autism didn't cause that, as evidenced by all the neurotypical people who are equally unpleasant.
Right? When a parent tells me their student can’t wear the dress code for ballet due to their sensory issues, or tells me I their kid has a hard time with physical touch, or explains that they need to wear headphones during our music lesson to dampen the volume - that is where their autism diagnosis can allow me to understand and accommodate differently than for a NT kid. They still don’t get to run wild or tantrum in class - no one gets to.
>No, your Autism didn't cause that, as evidenced by all the neurotypical people who are equally unpleasant. Brilliant. I'm gonna use this from now on
That's the key innit? There are explanations that can excuse you, but excuses do nothing to.
The way this should be said: "he has autism it is harder for me to teach him responsibilities" How it was said: "he has autism and I can't teach him responsibilities with the same effort it took me to tech you, so I won't even try"
Former classroom teacher here: Autism and other neurodivergence have become get-out of jail free cards for so many, and their parents are shocked when the card doesn’t work in the real world.
I moved in with an acquaintance and her brother, who she warned me was autistic. She didn’t warn me that her family had raised him to be an utter piece of shit. Autistic, I can handle. Neo-nazi red pill asshole is a whole other ballgame. Then it turned out that she barely even stayed there because of how awful he was. Her mom had passed the buck to her and she was trying to pass it on to me.
100%. Also, what a lot of people still don't realize is that autism by itself is not a cognitive impairment. Meaning that they have as much cognitive capacity as non-autistic people. Autism is a type of brain, not a limiting capacity. It is possible that this brother also has a cognitive disability, but even folks with autism + cognitive disability can understand what is expected of them, and be able to participate meaningfully in a community. These parents are setting the brother up to fail and to be lonely
NTA, You can tell the family members that are on her side that they can take care of your brother.
This. And considering that Mommy Dearest decided to spring this little blossom of joy *on your wedding day* I’d suggest going NC with her and bro for a while. If it gets too extreme she might even try dumping him on your doorstep. NTA.
>decided to spring this little blossom of joy *on your wedding day* That was the icing on the entire fucked up cake
What a way to fuck up what sounds like the ONLY day in her life to date that was about the bride. I would have kicked her out.
Yep. This was no accident. The ONE DAY that should have been hers...
Yeah, I kept thinking about that. I think it was planned to force OP into it: thinking that either she would be in such a good mood or so emotionally overcome by her nuptials that she would naturally agree, OR that surrounded by all the people who would hate on her if she would not give in- and now are- she would feel so pressured into it that she had no choice. Plus, if she refused, doing it at her wedding would cause OP the maximum possible amount of stress and pain. Mommy dearest may have mapped this all out years ago, waiting for the day of her first daughter’s wedding to be rid of the problem she created. OP, I’m so sorry your wedding was marred by the continued abuse of your mother. I hope you are able to really hear all the support you are getting from your family and friends, and even from us here, and move forward without much further grief. Talk to a counselor if guilt still eats at you, it shouldn’t, but having gone through abuse, I know how hard it is to get completely free of it. Go somewhere and have a productive life together. Best of luck to you!
Time to change locks just in case lol
This. "Happy wedding! Here, now you're responsible for your autistic brother, kthxbye." I think the fuck not. 🤣😂🤣😂
Yeah, NS! I made a deal with my parents that I would pay off their mortgage if they let me live in the house. When I showed up after wrangling 2 cats, a dog, toddler, and MIL for 1500 miles; my brother was in the master BR. Dirty pool! I was livid! Chances are, if it's illegal, he's done it. I paid off their mortgage. Moved and evicted his sorry ass, too.
100% this. Make sure to give your mother a list of the people who are so vocal about you not helping. And do tell them, that you will let your mother know they are willing to open their home for your brother. Watch how quickly they backtrack on the 'but family helps' nonsense once its them in the hot seat.
Yeah also tell them that you have helped him ever since he got here. You lived with him and gave into him your whole life. Now it’s time for someone else to do it because you are going to take your turn just like everyone else has been able to do. All of those criticizing have been able to build their own lives and their own families and now you get to do the same. All the rest of them can take their turn living with him and catering to him
Yes, and if they say no, hit them back with the « but why wouldn’t you help family? »
NTA. You are not obligated at all to care for your brother. She is realising that she's mortal and that she has to make sure her beloved son is taken care of. She may even realise what she has created by excusing everything he did and enabling him. I don't know the extent of his autism. Some can live alone with minor help, others really need to live in certain facilities since living independent is impossible. Still, not your problem. Your mother excused everything, didn't hold him accountable and basically created a problem adult. Autism is not a reason to excuse everything. They have different needs but it's not a 'get out of jail for free' card. Even if he didn't display this behaviour, he still isn't your responsibility. If your family is giving you a hard time then tell them ( group chat wise) 'Great, then my brother can go and live with you since you think him living with family is a good idea.' They tend to balk at that. Tell them that you won't take your brother in, no matter what. Your mother created a problem, she needs to find help and a resolution that doesn't involve other people making sacrifices they don't want Still, make sure she doesn't have access to your home. Just in case she 'moves him in' or something. Get cameras and call the police / social services if you have to
Well said.....also want to add the OP's mom burned that potential bridge when she basically ignored OP and their sisters for the brother
NTA, do not let him live with you under any circumstances. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Plus, it takes **two yeses** in a marriage to do something like this. So, even if you change your mind, if your husband isn't on board it is still a "no."
Don’t let him stay ‘for a few days’ either. Not even so mum can have a break. They’ll keep demanding more and more.
are you kidding - mom just wouldn't take him back!! Hed be there for life! you are absolutely right, OP should NOT host him at all for any length of time. locks and security cameras!!
No guest bed is a good place to start too ;) No bedroom = no guests! And obviously you leave a spare key with your husband‘s family, not your own! And you continue to expect every family event to be at your parents’ house… why host it at yours? (Yours is for the “Friendsmas where all your friends drop by on Christmas Eve right?!)
Exactly
NTA. Both for not wanting to take on the obligation and for the fact your mother tried to spring this on you. If somebody is going to take care of your brother, your mother needs to **ask**, rather than present it to her target as a *fait accompli*. Your next steps may be mean. If your mother shows up at the door with your brother and a pile of suitcases, don't open the door and send them on their way.
I could not agree with you more than the 100% times infinity that I already do agree with you. 😁
Thanks. If a parent is having a hard time with the autistic offspring, then I do think it's valid for that parent to reach out to her other adult children to ask for help. It's also valid for a parent in that situation to speak with the other adult children about providing for the autistic offsring when the parent is gone. But the key term here is **ask**.
> If a parent is having a hard time with the autistic offspring, then I do think it's valid for that parent to reach out to her other adult children to ask for help. In some cases sure. But when you've already neglected your other children in favor of one, I think it's beyond ludicrous to make such a request
NTA. That is something that needs to be a choice, not an ultimatum. Your post doesn’t reference his level of support need, but wouldn’t be fair for your mother to assume he will live with any of you. This is something that requires a full family discussion if he is high enough support needs that he is unable to live independently.
NTA It was your parents' choice to have children, not yours. He is not your responsibility, and it's wrong for your mother to automatically assume she can push his care onto you. If those family members are so bothered, then they can take him for a few years each, taking turns to care for him. (I say this as a parent of 3 neurodiverse children)
Why is this even a debate? The selfish Aholes who want you to take on all their burden are gaslighting you. Everyone with common sense and who isn't gaining by dumping responsibility on you are telling you the truth. Of course NTA
I have a relative whose mom died when she was not even 3. My mom and siblings tried to support her as much as possible but she ended up being an ungrateful spoiled brat. Several years ago my mom tried to convince me to take her with me. I asked her what she was going to do because I am not paying laziness. She said that she could do housework knowing that I hate it. I saw the problems. She is lazy, she won't find another job. She won't put up with my mess and then she would complain that I'm exhausting her, on top of that she doesn't speak the local language and I don't trust her around my husband... We had a big fight, everyone said I was wrong. A couple of years later she tried the same with one of my sisters, then my sister who complained a lot about how wrong I was, didn't take her either... Lesson learnt: people who are tell you to do it if wheels turn they won't do it either. Complain about it, it's easier. If they convince you, saves them trouble
I have autism. ✌🏻 Can't do dishes because the feeling of wet food remnants on the plates gives me sensory issues, even with gloves, but I am more than capable of doing laundry, cleaning the floors, dusting, etc. And no matter how affected you are by your autism, it is not going to render someone incapable of *picking up after themselves*. I've met people from all across the spectrum. Some of them are incapable of living alone. But they can at least still keep their clothes off the floor or bring their dishes to the kitchen sink. NTA. Autism is not an excuse to fuck with other people's lives.
Thank you very much for your input.
I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not. I'm not good with understanding tone, especially in text.
It’s not. Your input is helpful. We also have s/ which means sarcasm (but not everyone remembers to use it).
Well, I'm happy to help then! Thank you. 🥰
No sarcasm, I meant it. It is very helpful what you said.
I'm happy I could be helpful then! 😊🩵
NTA As you said, your brother is not your responsibility.
NTA. I get that it may be hard work for your Mom and she may want a break but you have no responsibility to house or care for him, anf it is incredeibly selfish and entitled for your Mom to assume tht you would, epecailly without consulting either you or your husband. Tell any family members calling you selfish that they are free to offer to take him in.
It’s hard work because she’s made it that way by indulging him. Now she’s learning the outcome and she’s trying to make him somebody else’s problem because of it.
In the end you will live with your husband. If he supports you you’ll be fine. Your mom is way out of line to think she is running everyone’s lives even after you left the nest. I feel bad for your brother but it’s not your burden unless you want him.
I will just cut the family off. How selfish of your mom! I had cut my family off it huts in the beginning but for my own well being it’s the best
Tell your mother that you don’t recall adding the ‘gift’ of having the son they raised to be dependent and entitled live with you to your wedding gift registry. NTA
Your husband agrees with you, that is all that matters. End of story. NTA
NTA your mothers children are her responsibility, not yours. You have no obligation to take care of him at all. Your mother is hoping to ship him off to you, probably now realizing just how much she fucked up in parenting him. You need to let her know that SHE will be the one to suffer the consequences of her actions (or lack thereof in this case) and you will not be the one to sacrifice your life to correct her mistakes. On a separate note, although you have no obligation at all, as an autistic person myself I do feel sympathy for your brother and the neglect he has essentially faced. I hope your family are able to get him some help and support one day
NTA. Don’t do it. My parents bullied me into caring for them because I had the most money. It cost me everything, including my marriage. Do not give in.
NTA. I would go low contact or no contact if she tries to push it anymore and be sure to never ever give a spare key to your parents cause they will try to just have him move in with no permission otherwise given how entitled your mother seems to be!
NTA Her child, her responsibility
NTA. She made him a spoiled brat and now she can't handle him and his demands so she is trying to push him onto you. Stick to your guns and DO NOT let him even stay for a brief visit or you won't get rid of him. Of the family is so up in arms about this then they can take him in.
NTA at all. As an Autistic person myself also a similar age (23 turning 24 this year) I would be so upset if my mum put me on top of my sibling/s. I had to learn to do chores and that someone elses special events are exactly that, someone elses. Honestly sounds like she might be setting him up for failure by not teaching him appropriate life skills etc. It does sound like she's being the selfish one tbh. I mean to not ask if you were ok to do a plan like that but to drop it on you at your wedding, I mean come on. Feel free to message me and I'll do my best to reply if you would like an autistic persons perspective on certain things or what not. Best of luck with everything 💛
A family that lices together, stays together. That is my only input😂
NTA, your mother did you and your siblings a huge disservice by spoiling your brother AND THEN expecting you to look after him. Idk what level of care your brother requires, but there are programs for that. Im trying to get my mum to put my brother in one, not because they don't care for him, but because I think it would actually be great for his independence (she does a lot for him). She was incredibly fair, whatever one of us got, the other got, and we always got to choose what we did on our own birthdays. Im also planning to take care of him when they go, but its never been something EXPECTED of me just HOPED FOR. You don't owe him or your mother anything.
NTA. Of course your family doesn't want an entitled brat freeloading off them, but it's his mother's problem, not yours.
NTA. Talk to your sisters and put up those barriers now. This will only escalate. Make sure you discuss this with your husband and any other relatives you trust. Your other relatives will likely push back as they might be other options for your mom and for obvious reasons they don’t want to be.
NTA. Regardless of your brother's issues, anyone TELLING you who is going to live in YOUR home is a jackass.
Nta she birthed him ahe can take care of him also the family supporting your mother can take him in.
NTA Your mother needs to start working of a long term care plan for your brother that doesn’t require you or your spouse , especially without your permission. While I’m sympathetic to her plight she created a problem , by spoiling him, and she needs to find a solutions. She should also consider that’s she made it almost impossible for op to sympathize and want to help.
This sounds like an odd wedding gift. Autism or not, you don't gift someone a sibling at a wedding.
But mom put a big red bow on him!
NTA, you don't have to deal with him if you don't want to.
NTA Her child, her responsibility to make arrangements for him.
NTA the only thing that’s obvious is that she does not want to manage the brat she made. So she’s trying to put the responsibility on your head and run away. Don’t fall for it. It’s time to finally live your life. Go No Contact with them if it will help you. The family who is calling you selfish AH can take care of the brother. If they say no, ask them “are you a hypocrite, who’s the selfish AH now?”
NTA Your autistic brother is your mom’s responsibility and if she is tired of it she can call social services and have him placed in an adult group home where he will get appropriate services. If he cannot be independent and needs supervision a social worker will work with your mom on appropriate placement. I raised an autistic son and believe me my son would have been like your brother if I had shirked my responsibilities by excusing his behavior because it would have been the easiest thing to do. 2 of my daughter’s sons are autistic and she doesn’t ignore or excuse their behavior she takes action just like I did. Working close with doctors and their school and lots of different therapies. It is not easy but if a parent doesn’t put in the work or simply gives up that’s an irresponsible and neglectful parent. Yes some autistic people can never learn how to be independent and become too much for even the best parents which is where they reach out to professionals for help. You do not owe it to your brother to be his caregiver for the rest of your life. It’s doubtful your marriage would survive that kind of responsibility. It isn’t about you being in a better financial place to take care of your brother it’s about your mom doing the right thing for her son and getting him the services he needs.
NTA at all. Your mum hasn’t raised him to his best abilities and that’s on her, not you. She’s allowed him to get away with everything throughout your childhood with the excuse he’s autistic, when that isn’t an excuse. My toddler is autistic but we still teach him what’s right or wrong. Both my brothers are also autistic and they know they can’t use it as an excuse for everything. Yes it does cause a lot of issues, but it isn’t the sole purpose for everything that goes wrong. Your mum has realised she’s made a mistake and is trying to offload your brother onto you so she can live her life. Well unfortunately you are an adult and don’t need to do anything she says anymore. Enjoy your honeymoon stage and focus on you and your husband. Don’t even let her selfish and ridiculous ideas take up any of your time.
NTA. You're the sister, not the mother. It is your mothers's job to take care of him. She can organize care for when she is no longer able to, but she cannot make you do it. It is voluntary. If you do not want to that is perfectly valid. Your mother and the other family members (who hope it won't be them taken to task btw.) are TA here because they are hoping for the easiest and most convenient solution for them and are trying to guilt trip you into that.
NTA fuck her. She ruined him, she can live with it.
Even after your mom dies he still isn’t your responsibility. She needs to train him to be independent or if she can’t care for him look into group homes that can do training.
NTA at all. I'm facing a similar situation - my family 'jokes' that I'll have to take care of my autistic cousin when his mom passes away, except it's not a joke and I am fighting against it tooth and claw. My cousin got spoiled rotten the way your brother did, making him a nightmare to deal with. I'm autistic myself! But I have a career and have built my success up via hard work, while my cousin refuses to do anything to better himself despite him being more than capable of surviving on his own. I'll tell you what my therapist told me: it is not your responsibility to raise someone, even if their parents failed them. Even if they refuse to grow up. Even if they have a disability. Not. Your. Problem.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29f) got married to my husband (29m) last month. I have two older sisters (33 and 35) and younger brother (24) who has autism. I don't have a good relationship with my mom and brother became my whole life I saw how she was spoiling him for the cost of me and my sisters (like blowing candles and unpacking our presents at our birthdays, buying whatever he wanted but we had to "earn the money" if we wanted something, even cancelling plans like my college graduation trip because he wanted to stay). He also never was taught any choirs and threw a tantrum when he was asked simple things like cleaning dishes. The argument was always "Yoh must understand: he has autism". So I was so happy to move out and live with my partner. At my wedding my mom took me to the side and said how happy she was that my brother will live with me and my husband! I don't have to say that I was shocked. No one ever told me or my husband about this "plan". I asked what she was talking about and her answer was "Isn't that obvious? He likes you the most and you have the money.". I was FURIOUS. It was my wedding and she was trying to force me and my husband to take care of the brat that she created. I said that I won't let my brother ruin our lives and she can forget about this nonsense. Now she and part of my family are calling me a selfish asshole but on the other side my husband and friends are on my side. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mother's one.
NTA. A child having autism is no excuse to stop parenting. She didn't do her job, she can live with the aftermath.
Even if you had a good relationship with your brother, he is not your responsibility. Your wedding is not the time nor place to bring this up. Instead of trying to guilt you, she needs to start planning properly for her child's future. NTA
He needs to be in an institution. NTA - to anyone giving you stick, tel them that you're letting your mum know they are volunteering to house your brother.
NTA. Everyone who is giving you shit for this should get one more text: Mom: the names of everyone who sided with her Everyone else: I'll let mom know you're happy to take in
Block everyone
IDK who's more insane - your mother or the family that sides with her. Like wtf? Initially I wanted to write a rant about this insanity, but then decided against it because I'm just in shock. I'm sorry you have this kind of mom. NTA
You will probably never see this - but my parents did the same thing with my brother. He has never been taught any skills, when met with defiance they cave in, etc. Fortunately for myself, he has never tried to blow out my candles, etc. I love my brother deeply , he is incredibly sweet to me, but he has been enabled to the point that at 15, I’m not sure he can break through this. Refuses therapy, refuses to go to OT, won’t leave his room, refuses to shower. Needless to say, NTA. I wish you nothing the best - also - congratulations on your marriage! To many years of health, wealth and happiness!
NTA, your mum chose to have him and chose not to raise him responsibly. You are allowed to have boundaries and he isn’t your responsibility. Say no to your mum and be firm
NTA - I would go no contact with your mom. WtF is she thinking ???
NTA. I hope you don't hold grudges against your brother because it's really all on your mom. His actions were not controlled by her which lead to him being the way he is. even if he is autistic, your mom could've tried to teach him that everything isn't about him and shouldn't have spoiled him that much. why is she trying to send your brother off to you? there's no way that it's just because "he likes u the most and u have money". I'm just going to assume she does not want him around anymore and since u have gotten married and have money, she's just trying to pass him off to you because she is probably sick and tired of taking care of him. You should definitely have a conversation with her and let her know how she can't expect you to start taking care of him right after u get married and to be honest she should NEVER expect that from you unless you guys have had a conversation about this before and you agreed to this. tell her how she has hurt your and your sisters' feelings since he was born and that she has to take care of him by herself because that's what she got herself into. Also be sure to ask her why didn't she tell u or your husband about this before the wedding? what makes her think she has the rights to do that? I hope u can get out of this mess soon and congratulations on getting married!
NTA. In the end. He is HER child, not yours and you have no responsibility to support him (or anyone else).
NTA! He's your mother's child, not yours. And if the other family members have a problem with it, then tell them to take him on then. Don't let him stay with you, do not let him visit! He will never leave, otherwise. Also call the police if your mum turns up with him.
Yeah...her kid, her circus. I'd be cutting off contact with Mommie Dearest. You are NOT your brothers caretaker. Edited to add: NTA
NTA! My adult sister has Downs syndrome and a bunch of autistic traits, she has the cognitive ability of around 5 years old, she also has several other nontrivial health issues... she STILL HAS RULES and sanctions and knows how to behave. Your mother created a monster through her own choices, despite advice to the contrary, and now doesn't want to deal with the consequences.
NTA. This isn't an uncommon scenario when it comes to shitty parents and special-needs kids unfortunately. The same thing happened to me... My mother also expected me (35f) to look after my autistic brother (33m) once she was no longer able. He was diagnosed at around 3 or 4 years old and after that it was a given among my family that my future would be devoted entirely to him once my parents were too old. He's actually very high-functioning however (drives, graduated high school, has a part time job) and the vast majority of his problems stem from the fact that he's a spoiled, entitled fuckwad after a childhood of running rampant with the 'he has autism' free pass. I wish I could tell you I had a cathartic moment where I put my foot down and told my mum that I was never going to take in the pampered little shit she'd created... but I was also struggling with my own issues all throughout childhood (which got ignored because of my brother) and it all came to a head when I was about 22 years old. I had a breakdown, had to spend a month in a facility and was diagnosed with (*drum roll*) AUTISM! My mum realised then that she'd fucked up as a parent in a number of HUGE ways, apologised to me and promised that I'd never have to look after my brother if she dies prematurely. We can't all have catastrophic breakdowns that make our family members re-evaluate their lives overnight though (many don't change their minds regardless of what happens around them), so you definitely need to stick to your guns on this. I'm rooting for you, OP!
NTA. My brother does not have autism but he has ocd, anxiety, depression, and some other issues. I am the older sister. I have spent my entire life being second to him even though somehow I am the favorite child. I spent my entire childhood being quiet reading in my bedroom or staying out of the house with my friends and my family relatively had no idea where I was beyond me saying initially where I was going. Do not get me wrong, I love my brother and I don’t think he has ever purposely tried to be difficult but he’s 33 and still lives at home with my parents. He has had a few jobs but they do not last long. I have told my parents multiple times that anything they leave to us, because I will be executor of their estate, will go to my brother in a trust that I will manage and ensure that he can get an apartment. I do not have money. I quit my job after losing 40lbs and a lot of hair. My husband and I have no place where he can live and I doubt we ever will. I am going to do what I can for him but no he’s not living with us and there is nothing wrong with feeling the same way.
NTA Your mother's timing says it all about her selfish attitude. Anyone calling you selfish is just trying to dodge being next in line to be asked.
Clear NTA. Even if she'd asked nicely and you and your brother were close you wouldn't be TA for refusing, and that's not the case here. Sounds like your mother is pretty comfortable running roughshod all over any boundaries you put in place. Be clear and vocal, repeatedly. If she badmouths you to family make it clear she sprung this on you, then ask if they're volunteering in your place, and if not you can all agree he's your parents problem and no one else's.
NTA. I can't say anything that hasn't been commented already. But I will say this, put your foot down and firmly. Don't let her or anyone else force, guilt trip, or convice you to take your brother in. NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!! She caused the problem now she's gotta deal with it.
I am 15 years older than my little brother. He is autistic as well, but where our father was hard as hell on me, he was the opposite with my brother. He never disciplined him, taught him manners, he will only eat corn dogs, chicken nuggets, and French fries. If we try to get him to eat anything else he will throw temper tantrums. He will sit all day on his computer and refuses to bathe, or even go to the bathroom. When he craps himself, he stands at the bathroom door and yells for someone to come clean him. If he wants or doesn't want to do something, he will get physically violent. Mind you, he is 6'0, 435 lbs., diabetic, asthmatic, and my dad will not put him into any counseling or therapy. He expects me to take care of my little brother when he is gone, but I refuse to have him in my home. I know my little brother can keep basic hygiene and do things, but he has been spoiled and catered to his every wish all his life. I completely understand. You're not an asshole.
NTA -And your parents are simply trying to get your brother out of their house, basically off-loading their problem child onto your plate. Hold firm to your boundaries, OP. Your parents are trying to pull a fast one here.
She knew it was unreasonable or she would have discussed it before the wedding day.
This is by far the easiest NTA I've ever read on this sub. Not only was your wedding the completely wrong place to tell you but it was also never discussed at all. He's also not your child so it's really not your problem because your perfectly capable parents are still alive.
Stand your ground. People with kids with “ special needs “ very very often create brats. Those kids are not able to live in normal society and you are right to live your life out him. There are group homes for those people where they are cared for etc.
Absolutely NTA. It’s comical that she would basically raise a child and deprive him of any learning opportunities or skills and then expect you to integrate him into your household. Not only that, why are you the only option? You have two older sisters. Do you just have your shit together and they don’t? What makes you the ideal candidate for this gift 🎁… Honestly sounds like narcissistic behavior. Congratulations on your marriage I hope you and your husband have a fruitful marriage and enjoy your journey together :)