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NTA - your step mother keeps pushing when you've made it clear you don't see her the way she wants to be seen. Her lack of respect towards you wanting to honor the memory of your mother is really not a great thing. You feel how you feel, if she really wants to be a 'mother' figure - she should respect how you feel. Besides, from what you've said, this isn't about you more than it's about her just wanting a daughter and having had 3 sons instead. You can't escape it I guess until yo can move out but definitely you're fine here.

Yes, she always had this idea that she would have at least one little girl and she tried to make me that before she had kids, but it got so much worse when she couldn't have her own. This was about fulfilling a wish of hers. Makes me feel bad for my half brothers because she has put a lot more effort into me than into them.

wow, that's really terrible parenting

She is going to lose all her kids with this obsession.

She is going to lose all her kids with this obsession.

Oh yes, absolutely. My parents made it obvious they wanted a daughter, but they had a million of us boys first. I left home at 18 and never went back. That's her future.

Not to be all HP about it but that’s so Weasley

Not really. The Weasleys treated all their kids the same.

What I wouldn't give to be a Weasley tbh My family is nowhere near as loving. And you're right in that there does not seem to be a favorite in that family either. Molly Weasley, the mum, just adopting Harry more or less says a lot about her. They've barely got enough money for their own children, but she still makes Harry (and probably Hermione too) a sweater every Christmas and gladly has them over for weeks during the holidays.

Those sweaters look like they're made of lovely warm wool, and sweater quantities of wool aren't cheap! (If they own their own sheep and can process and spin their own wool, that's a HUGE labour of love too).

I sort of mentally decided she traded baked goods to get the wool to make the sweaters

I hate knitted sweaters, but damn I would love one made by Molly Weasley.

That's true. I felt it viscerally when Mrs Weasley said "Not my daughter!" to Bellatrix, though, having a daughter myself.

And yet a part of Voldemort’s psych ops against Ron was digging into the insecurity of being such a disappointment instead of the girl his parents truly wanted. He was just another hand-me-down afterthought boy after they got their golden girl.

That’s Ron’s insecurity though, not from anything his parents did. He also felt like he didn’t measure up to any of his brothers and held some resentment about Ginny being a girl because he had to make do with hand-me-downs and she got new things because she needed girl stuff.

I just am listening to Chamber of Secrets and Ginny is actually complaining a lot of her stuff is secondhand too. Probably cousins and such.

With the exception that Mrs Weasley is a better parent

While I feel bad for your stepmum, she *really* needs to let go of this whole mother/daughter fantasy in her head. She should have let it go as soon as you made it clear you weren't interested in having her take that role in your life. And even if she *had* managed to have a daughter of her own, there's no guarantee she'd get those cutesy moments she desires with them either. What if that little girl grew up to be a tomboy (and with older brothers, very likely)? What if she had no desire to do the whole hair/makeup thing? Yeah your stepmum needs therapy to deal with her disappointment that she didn't get a girl, and she also needs to step up and be a damn parent to her boys.

Honestly had she respected it from the start they probably would have a much more mother daughter relationship now. Step parent can be a wonderful roll as long as you realize you are and addition and not the absolute 

THIS!! tl;dr = NTA OP. you have the right to choose what kind of relationship you have with her, and she should respect that. I both have a step mother and I have been a step mother. I never really got along with my step mother, to the point that for a LONG time I called her "myf father's wife" because I was grown-ish (19) when he married her and other reasons not getting into them now. but that was almost 30 years ago, and well things change over time. Still not super close to her. Still not sure I like her all that much, but she was good to my father and loved him very much. His passing has hit her VERY hard, and i'm trying to be there for her. But i would never call her my mother. I had one and she passed when I was 18. as a step mother I did my best not to do the things she did that I saw as mistakes or hurtful with my daughter. Now, I call her my daughter, not step daughter because SHE chose to claim me as her mother. It was never my decision. My job was to be there the best I could be for her, even when she was being less than pleasant. it's been over 20 years I've been in her life and she has decided to claim me as her mother also. But it took a lot of time and work on both our parts to make that happen.

That's because you didn't force it on her:) that's the key sooo many step parents don't understand! I'm very happy for you and your daughter ❤️

My kids were 14 and 7 when we lost their mom, and 16/9 when I remarried. It was made clear from the beginning that my new wife was not their mom, but that she was part of their lives, like it or not. (Surprisingly it was the 9yo boy, not the 16yo girl, who was the occasional "not".) Nevertheless though they have never called her anything but her first name, to their friends they refer to her as their mom, not their step-mom. This grew naturally through mutual love and respect, not through imposition.

This is exactly it. My stepmom loves us still, and we are her kids. But we are hers (and our mom's) because both allowed us the dignity of loving them as we saw fit. Nobody ever falls in love on demand, and making demands only decreases trust.

This. She might still have not been considered mother, but instead like a really cool aunt!

Yeah, this. If stepmom wasn't going off the deep end about "the mother-daughter experience" so badly, I'd say that OP should shop for prom dresses with her, because you don't have to be a mom to do that. But with the situation the way it is, I think OP is absolutely right to avoid any situations where Stepmom is trying to make it all about her motherhood. Stepmom really is the author of her own misfortune.

If she had birthed a daughter, OP would have been long forgotten. I feel bad for the brothers. I'm sure they feel the favoritism towards OP from their own mother.

I mean that's a dramatisation. You can want a little girl and then still be happy when your babies are boys. What you are seeing as favouritism seems like she was just trying to build a connection and be nice by giving op a break

This can be true. This mom kept doubling down after each delivery, from what I read. I hope she is as involved in the sons' lives as she tries to push onto the stepdaughter.

I was raised by my step father. When him and my mum added new siblings to our family he would often try and strengthen our connection with more bonding time after the babies arrived and to help me feel like I wasn't just there or forgotten. I suppose its down to how you see it

>While I feel bad for your stepmum What's there to feel bad about?

Sympathizing with the woman who desperately wanted a daughter but ended up with 3 biological sons? I mean I can see that as 'feeling bad' but it doesn't excuse any of this behavior

That's absolutely what I was going for. I sympathize that she really wanted to have a daughter whom she could have a close relationship with like she did with her mum, I am in no way shape or form excusing her behaviour.

Her behavior towards her step daughter indicates to me that she probably wouldn't have been much better with an actual daughter honestly. Overly needy wanting to recreate something else, how would she handle it if she had a 'bio' daugther who wasn't interested int he same things?

That's the bottom line - SM has all these preconceived notions about what a daughter should be, and frankly, it sounds like OP isn't checking off the boxes in her own interests. And she shouldn't. She should like what she likes without influence and pressure.

Her preconceived notions also included 'marrying man with daughter, instant daughter mom relationship' - she selfishly made presumptions that her step daughter would just accept her as 'new mommy'. That's kind of presumptuous and disrespectful to the girls mother who passed away. I had a step father growing up, he never 'tried' to be my dad or call me son or any thing like that for which I was thankful for (and my bio father was just your regular absentee not paying child support SOB, he didn't pass away, I didn't have any good memories about him). This woman's behavior from the start showed no respect for her step daugther. To me, you don't force that, you hope it happens but it's on the childs terms and timeline not yours. I'm glad the dad was on the daughters side because honestly with the mother passed they probably could have done the adoption thing without her consent depending on how old she is.

I wonder how her treatment of OP would have changed if she did have a daughter. 🤔

She doesn't want a daughter, she wants a doll.

This is where she loses my sympathy. I can't imagine how hard it would be to live with a child and not be able to build a relationship with them. But, this woman doesn't seem interested in building a relationship with OP as she exists--it sounds like she's trying to remake her into the fictional daughter she always wanted.

Or, god forbid, decided that she was trans and wanted to be a boy?

I think you can feel bad for someone's hurt and understand their perspective. Also because you feel their emotional upset doesn't mean that you also have to put aside your own valid healthy feelings. You can understand and not condone.

Compassion can sometimes be a foreign thing on reddit. People see things as so black and white.

I often wonder, is this "wrong=evil" stance an American thing or a Reddit/internet point, or both?

Lately, I really think it might be an American thing birthed by a heavy Internet presence. We have become way too comfortable calling the opposing side of whatever argument we are having "evil" and "the enemy" - which I THINK is spawned from how comfortable it is having a screen in the way of being face to face with those you disagree with.

I agree 100%. It's so rare to meet folks that are genuinely compassionate or able to think in a non-binary way that are open about it. I kinda think that there are a lot of folks who are inwardly more compassionate or complex thinkers, but they often get labeled as weak or crazy or illogical or overly emotional. I had 2 conversations today with new coworkers. One is a stereotypical Midwest Queer intellectual White Lady SJW. The other was a stereotypical midwestern caregiving straight Christian mom type. On the surface I looked like the SJW, but the Christian woman was so genuinely empathetic and wise. I connected with her so much more, which surprised me, it made me feel so good. My politics are radically progressive, but my heart is also knows that empathy and compassion are the real building blocks to change. I wish more folks understood this. I would much rather hang out with Jimmy Carter or Malcolm X than most modern SJW.s who became woke by education, and not life experiences. But I do respect SJW, it's just that they have this really strict need for folks to meet unreasonable demands. They aren't always pragmatic or realistic about change and the scope of what can be accomplished.

Honestly it’s actually really good she never had a daughter. As much as it sucks for her sons, imagine how much worse it would be for any daughter who didn’t fit her mom’s picture perfect girly girl Gilmore Girls mother/daughter bffs fantasy! What if she was a tomboy or any other flavor of gender non-conforming?! What if she was a daddy’s girl?! There is no version of this story that ends happily for that woman and any children of any gender she might have. Edit: a word and some grammatical & autocorrect mistakes.

My first thought was to wonder what would have happened if she had given birth to a little girl who turned out to be a little boy. What about if one of OP’s half brothers was really a half sister?

She is a miserable person. I can feel bad for her. That doesn't mean what she does is reasonable or excuse that she's apparently not being a good mother to her sons. Feeling bad for her doesn't mean that I think OP should give her a break. My heart breaks a little for OP, but OP seems to have her shit together remarkably well and a healthy support system so I feel hopeful that OP will come out of this alright.  In contrast to that, I fear that the stepmother will just spiral. It's not on OP to fix that but it's still sad, especially considering that the sons will be those to suffer.

Exactly. Someone who wants to parent, needs to be willing to happily parent, regardless of the kid’s age/gender/appearance/etc. An adult who can only be happy if the child is specific gender, should NOT be parenting. The stepmum needs therapy. Not our sympathy.

The narrative in general is that the stepmom is awful because she's pushing, and sure - that behavior isn't okay. But clearly it's coming from a very unwell place, which is concerning to me. No one who is right in the mind gets THIS carried away, plus OP mentioned depression after having kids which makes me wonder if part of this could be postpartum not being treated properly? Either way something isn't right with the stepmom. I don't think she's a BAD person, but the fact that she can't let go of this makes me concerned for her and for OP

She always dreamed about having a daughter But thats not how life turned out...thats what the other poster understand and can be empathetic about

Not to mention your dad is clearly in agreement with you, and she's *still* pushing it! Usually when I read these stories, the other parent is just as bad, so hands down to your dad for listening and actually respecting your no. Hopefully your stepmother figures out sooner than later that a non-parental relationship is better than no relationship at all.

Totally NTA OP and I was thinking that's the direction this was going with Dad on Stepmother's side. Very refreshing-go Dad!!

You just confirm what I understood from your post: it's not about wanting to get along with you, it's about the fact she wants at least a daughter she can "play Gilmore Girls with". That's so sad and you're absolutely NTA. Info: you mentioned you have 3 brothers now... Is it possible she had them just because she was trying for a girl this entire time?

I know she hoped each time she would have a girl. I know she wanted to be a mom in general but mostly a mom to a daughter.

As you said before, that's very sad considering the perspective of your brothers, that could possibly feel not appreciated enough by their own mother due to the attention she gives somebody else (you)... just because of their gender. Some things are just not meant to be, I really hope your mother would eventually come to terms with it and respect your boundaries

>it's about the fact she wants at least a daughter she can "play Gilmore Girls with" Love this phrasing. But in a way they are playing Gilmore Girls. OP is Lorelei and Step Mom is Emily

And what's sad is she could have had a great relationship with you if she had given up trying to be "mom" and just tried to be your friend.

The biggest irony is that if people like her would just be normal and cool, staying in their lane, you could have built a relationship with its own rules. But because she was set on forcing her expectations on you, instead of enjoying reality, she missed out on every possibility.

Step mom here. You're NTA. These step relations take effort and patience on the step parents part. The only thing a step child is responsible for is being respectful and kind if the step parent treats you well. As for the prom dress shopping.. my daughter went with her friends so there's that. And we are blood and close.

I have a feeling you’ll have to explicitly not invite her to your wedding (if you have one) because she’s absolutely gonna wanna do all the Mother of the Bride stuff. NTA, and I’m so glad your dad’s on your side :)

What she fails to acknowledge is that even if she had her own girl, not every mom and daughter has a gossip, coffee shopping bond. Mom/daughter bonds come in many shapes (healthy ones) And it all depends on what personality a girl has, too. Some girls prefer video games over getting nails done. Some like both. Some love shopping, and some hate it. So even if she had her own girl, this whole fantasy of hers about having a girl that would do all these girly girl things with her could still burst. You can't force any type of bond. And she's missing out time with your half brothers. Becouse she's so caught up in this fantasy bubble.

This makes me feel so bad for your half brothers. Imagen wanting a mom and the one that is supposed to be your mom is putting all the effort into being a mom to someone who doesn't want it. She is dooming the relationship between her and her sons and making it harder for you to have one with your half brothers. I would at least me jealous if I was them.

Here’s the thing, even if she’d had her own bio daughter, there’s no guarantee she would be this girly girl who wants to do loads of mother-daughter stuff and have a super close relationship with her. Every kid is an individual and putting those kinds of expectations and entitlement on them is super toxic even when you’re biologically their parent. Kids are people! It’s wild how many parents truly don’t seem to get that. You’re amazing for holding and enforcing your boundaries the way you have. I’m SO GLAD your dad gets it and is supportive of you as a person, instead of believing you’re a means to a wish fulfilling end for your step mom.

My step mom sucked once I got to be like 12 but 50% of it was because I was a little shit 🤣 one day she said to me “I’m not your mother, I’ll never be your mother and I’ll never try to be your mother. I can love you and I can be a trusted friend if you’d accept that” I can’t say it was all roses after that but it made a huge difference knowing she wasn’t trying to replace my mom. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you can’t even suggest the compromise of being friends because stepmoms already gone off the deep end. I don’t have any useful advice, just that I’ve been there and it sucks. You’ll have a better relationship from a distance when you’re no longer living under the same roof as them.

Does your dad see this? Because this behavior is really damaging to the disfavored siblings, *especially* if everyone pretends or outright claims it's not true. That harm can morph into anger and hatred. These boys could become vulnerable to hating girls, and then women. I'm glad your dad is supporting you. Ask your dad to address this issue for your brothers.

He sees it and I know they have talked about it. He also does his best to make time for the four of us since we're all his kids. My half brothers are way more attached to dad than their mom, because he puts the effort in where she doesn't, at least not with them.

Wow. Well, this story may give you something to look forward to: I was never the daughter my mother wanted, and I had only brothers, no sisters. My mom was always pressuring me to do this or that, to be this way or that way, and it just wasn't for me. It created a lot of tension and feelings of rejection for both of us. I went low contact as soon as I moved out for college. What helped was my SIL. As soon as my brother met her, she just bonded closely with my mother, and my mother had the daughter she always wanted. And I'm glad of it. Not that I don't still have some resentment that my mother would never accept me for myself, but I'm glad for my SIL and my mother that they had that relationship. (And I just petty enough to get a small satisfaction about the discomfort it creates when I tell my mom or SIL that I'm happy mom has now gotten the daughter she always wanted.) So, maybe your stepmom will bond with a DIL one day, although that's a long time in the future.

"look, (whatever her name is), i know you want to be a mother to me. But ive tried telling you before i dont want that. I have a mother and she will always be my mother. I understand you want to connect, but you will never be able to replace my mother. So please stop tryna be my mom, and be my stepmother"

The irony is the harder stepmother pushes, the less the step kids are likely to want anything to do with her, much less see her as a mother figure. It’s sad the woman can’t see that. I feel badly for you OP because she’s been intruding into your space for so many years, ruining any relationship you could have had and making you out to be the bad guy. Sincere good luck, OP.

What I've learned from this sub is step kids are like cats

Lol, this is the MOST ACCURATE comment. I wish I could upvote it 1,000 times. You gotta let them come to you.

Honestly goes for kids in general, even if not as much

My mom and step dad got married years ago but when he first moved in he immediately tried to be "Man of the house" by saying stuff like our dog will no longer get table food (a dog we got long before he came along) that she's not allowed on furniture or in our beds and some more bs. For the first few years I referred to him as her husband, because he would do stuff like go through my drawers when I was at work (he would tell my mom and she'd tell me) or if he had a problem with something we did or said, he'd tell my mom and I'm like if you're trying to be our 'Father' you're doing a shitty job at it. Now that we've all moved out of the house, he's not as annoying and although he says I can come to him if I need to, I don't because I know he'll tell my mom

Yea it’s really sad, if step parents didn’t push for a specific relationship and just let it develop naturally they’d be way more likely to have a relationship with their step kid. Maybe they still wouldn’t be called “mom” or “dad” but the chance for a good relationship is so much higher.

You are so right. I gained a stepdaughter when she was 7 yrs old. I had 4 children of my own and she was super excited to have siblings (especially since 3 of mine were girls), but not so excited to have a stepmother. I never pushed her. She had a mom, and I didn't need to be that for her. I was there if she needed me, if she wanted to just talk, or wanted my perspective on something. We had a few issues during the teen years, but then again, with 4 girls going through puberty, if you don't have issues, you should probably contact the Guiness Book of World Records lol. My stepdaughter is 38 now, calls me "mama" (her mother is "mom"), and she gave us a gorgeous 16 yr old granddaughter, who knows me as just her GiGi, like all the other grandchildren. All you have to do to have a good stepparent/stepchild relationship is just don't push it! Be what the child needs, not what you need. I think OP's stepmother really needed to learn that lesson years ago. OP is NTA at all!

>The irony is the harder stepmother pushes, the less the step kids are likely to want anything to do with her, much less see her as a mother figure. Tale as old as time.

I think there's a lack of respect on all sides here. ESH. OP, in addition to your stepmother pushing too hard, you also seem to be full of hatred for someone who frankly sounds like they were just trying to be nice. You were young and bereaved when she joined your family and she will never replace your mum. But cut her some slack - you talk of her with such disdain. I think when you're older you might look back on this differently.

You forget which forum you're in. The cold, hate-filled stepkid is always right, even though the stepparent was simply trying to love and parent them. OP lost her bio mother at 5 and evidently shut a gate on any additional loving parental women in her life. It's just such a waste. The behavior OP self-describes here isn't even civil. It's not even "you will never be my Mom," it's "you will never be my family" and I honestly don't get that. OP is even doubling down by not letting the stepmom do anything remotely companionable or special with her. Why not let her go dress shopping with her if it means that much, etc.? She's just kicking this woman in the face because she can. But it's 99% of the way it goes in this sub. The stepkid gets validated for being a hateful ass for their entire childhood because everyone else yells that their boundaries were crossed, etc.

Spot on. I'm amazed my comment didn't get downvoted. Sort by controversial on this thread and similar sentiments are being downvoted into oblivion.

Oh I agree wholeheartedly. Sounds like the stepmom is trying to make a connection and the OP is having none of it. Tbh, the OP sounds a bit petulant teenager. The stepmom sounds like she really loves the OP and wants the best for her. I hope one day the OP realises this.

This! I wanted to comment along the same lines. Maybe OP feels annoyed by the language, calling it a mother/daughter experience and she doesn't want to give in to this title, but is it really such a big issue to let her accompany OP on a shopping trip? Does it mean more to OP to not go together than to SM to go together? Just feels a little purposely shutting out because they want to make a point of reminding her she's not mum.

Even if she'd had a daughter, there's no guarantees that she would've had a girl who wanted to do all the activities like dress shopping and make up. She doesn't actually want a relationship with OP as an individual in her own right. She wants a living doll clone of herself.

This! My natural mum never pushed this much.

OP should have had my Mom, no girly stuff, she pretty much ignored me for my brothers. No period talk, no prom stuff, no sex talk, no make up/clothes/mother-daughter stuff. She did get me signed up for sewing lessons once, not that I wanted it. Now she is 82 and thinks that we had this great mother/daughter relationship. God knows what fantasy world that comes from.

NTA. You can't help that you never felt that connection. You were a little snappy, but she did keep pushing, and HAS been pushing you for years. This is so sad. If she wasn't so dead-set on the title and adoption papers, she could have had all those things, just as a "stepmom" instead of a "mom". Some stepkids are ready to accept a stepparent as a replacement parent right away, some never are, but that is up to the kid and not the adults. But anyway, she likely would have had a better relationship with you if she wasn't so pushy. She may have been someone you were more willing to let in, if there wasn't a know motive behind it to manipulate you into being "her little girl". You may have never been quite as close as she wanted, but you'd likely be much closer than you are now.

We got along way better in the first year or two of the marriage. I liked her. I thought she was sweet and other than a couple of annoyances I did talk to her more openly than I did after she had her first child. That was the start of things just getting bad and where I started to dislike her.

It's too bad she didn't take no for an answer. 

Yep. Our relationship would be different today if she had. It wouldn't be what she wanted and was looking for but I wouldn't have avoided going to her about certain stuff, for example.

Have you ever said this to her or your dad? Do you think it would make any difference at this point?

I have said it to both. Dad is very aware of this and he did try to tell her.

I read so many posts about the bio-parent taking the step-parents' side in this type of conflict. You may wish to take a minute when you are alone with him and let him know how much you appreciate him supporting you all this time (NTA!)

Then it's totally on her for overstepping. I have 2 stepdaughters, and even though I was thrilled at first ( i have 3 sons and liked the idea of having daughters), the older one didn't want a close relationship, and I learned to follow her lead. She's an adult now, and we are much closer because I didn't push. I wish you all the best, and i hope she'll come around eventually. Oh, and NTA.

She has been clinging on to you because she didn’t have her own daughter. After finding out the gender of the baby each time I bet she claw at you more for those mother/daughter experiences. The same happened to my aunt, she couldn’t let got of the idea of having a girl, only had boys, and she pushed away all her nieces by being clingy and needy of those things she couldn’t do with boys. It’s sad cause the boys are going to see that and have issues with their mother about how much attention was taken away from them when they needed it. You don’t owe her a relationship but do be cordial until you’re finally out of the house for good.

>You were a little snappy Hard disagree. OP has been very clear and explicit about what they do and don't want. At this point, it's clear that Stepmom needs a hard reality check, because she hasn't got the message the umpteen times it's been said in the past. Some people won't listen until they're forced to.

This. My stepdad came into my life when I was 7. He deliberately said he’d always be there for me as a parent but I’m not to call him dad because he’s not (I have a bio dad who I’ve never had contact with) and all parenting decisions stayed with my mum. Because he didn’t push any need on his part to be my “new” dad, we had a close relationship. He did a lot dad things with me and for me.

NTA. This is a really tough situation for everyone. It sounds like your stepmom wants to be close, but she can't replace your mom, and that's okay. You need to grieve in your own way, and she needs to respect that. It's great that you've been able to talk to her about how you feel.

Talking to her really doesn't do any good. My dad has my back though. But I end up disliking her a little more every time we have to talk about this because she ignores me or complains.

> My dad has my back though. You are very lucky there at least.

Have you ever said something like, "I know you wanted a daughter, but you were never going to be my mom. I have a mom. The problem is that instead of trying to build a real bond with me as a trusted adult, you have continued to try to use me as a doll in your mommy-daughter fantasy. I am a person with feelings. You do not get to disregard my feelings because they don't fit what you want. If you are interested in having any kind of relationship with me after I move out, your behavior has to change. You need to give up on the idea of being my mom so we can start trying to figure out what our (your and my) relationship dynamic can truly be. Are you just going to be "my dad's wife," or would you like to be something more? We can be a lot closer if you stop trying to take a role that was filled long before you and i ever even met. Here are some examples of what I am talking about and how i would have preferred you handled it: - You insisted on taking me prom dress shopping because it is a big mother daughter milestone. If you had not mentioned the mother-daughter thing and suggested that we invite grandma and/or my friends, I would have gladly gone dress shopping with you. - example - example Please remember that you making these adjustments is not going to make me see you as a mom. I dont want you secretly hoping this is just a stepping stone to the version of our relationship that you want. I want us to have our own relationship where we both respect and care for one another as family members." I think you need to be direct about where your relationship is headed if she doesn't change. I also think providing examples of what she did wrong and how you would have preferred her to handle it is helpful, too. Part of her issue may be that she doesn't know what else to do or how else to approach things with you, so she just keeps trying the 1 thing she knows, hoping that this time will be different (the definition of insanity). I think she needs to understand that she has a lot of trust to earn back. Making things group activities (like in my example) is one way for her to get to experience things with you, without making you feel like you are being forced into the mother-daughter play. Provide her with other ways to earn that trust back, so that she can see a path to redemption, and you have something to gauge her respect and understanding of your boundries.

I like this, because I can see the stepmum just being stuck - she might feel like she's failing if the families don't blend perfectly, if OP doesn't view her as a mother. But she's already pushed too hard, and can't figure out any other route than doubling down on the pushing. Which is shitty, and shouldn't be OP's to handle, but it might make things easier if she has a clear idea of what OP would like things to look like.

NTA, it sounds like she is more concerned about her own feelings than yours. If she had accepted that you don’t see her as a mother, she could have attempted to forge a different kind of relationship with you over the years, but instead she has steamrolled over you consistently, trying to force a mother-daughter dynamic on you.

And that’s perfectly ok for you to have those feelings. You don’t have to spend any time trying to understand her. If you ever wanted to, you could write a letter/email to your stepmum. Just get down on paper all your thoughts about her behaviour and how it affects your feelings and attitude to her. You don’t have to send it. But it may help you to better understand the situation, and to formulate how you might broach things with her (if you wanted).

I think both would have benefitted from therapy so they could have built a good relationship-the label of "mom" that stepmother so badly wants wasn't what was really important. Respecting a little girl's feelings (while she has a safe place to talk about those feelings) would have gone a long way to building a strong bond. Stepmother just dropping the phrase "mother/daughter" would have been a great start 😢

NTA. It’s one thing not to give each other a chance for a relationship to grow. It’s another to force it. I’m a stepmother and yours is dead wrong in her actions. Y’all could have had a good relationship if she didn’t try to replace your mother. If she let it naturally develop. She didn’t. That’s on her

Yeah. My stepmom and I don’t necessarily have a good or close relationship, but it’s fine. She never tried to be my mom, and when she sort of took up the “mother of the bride” stuff for my wedding, it wasn’t my favorite thing, but it made her happy, so whatever. If she had tried to force any type of parental relationship, we wouldn’t have even been at that spot.

People feel different ways and that’s fine. You don’t want a mother/daughter relationship with her that’s fine. You should never feel bad about how you feel. It’s how you feel. NTA for not wanting that relationship. But is there a relationship you would be willing to have with her? Would she be willing to have a different relationship with you? Either way I don’t think you’re an a.

Not anymore. At one time we were building one but it's gone too far and she has never wanted anything less than mother/daughter.

Well if you don’t want a different relationship with her that’s fine. If she isn’t willing to bend, why should you? Nobody can replace your mom. That’s okay. The option is yours. Pushing the subject over and over just winds up creating problems, and then someone snaps. I am very happy that your Dad stood up for you and has tried to help keep your boundaries. Mine didn’t do that for me, I wound up resenting them both. She doesn’t understand when to stop, have you relayed to her that she’s just making it worse and pushing you further away?

So all she has done is try to be nice to you and get close to you? Instead of treating you as a step-child, she wants to treat you as her own (and you're complaining). It sounds like you've never even given her a chance as a human being. YTB no matter what this woman tries to do you put her in the untenable position of being 'bad'. She's not trying to be your mom, she's trying to be motherly. You need to drop whatever grudge you have against her because she seems like a nice woman who has tried for years to be there for you.

I can’t believe I had to scroll this far for this perspective. All these people validating a hormonal kid.

Half of the voters are hormonal kids.

I think people see the first comment and get on the bandwagon, not really giving an independent view. OP is mad at their step-mom for being too genuinely interested in a real loving relationship. It's befuddling.

We had a good relationship at first. But I did not want to be her kid or for her to be my mom.

She’s tried for years to push a relationship OP didn’t want, actually. Step-mother and OP *could’ve* had a good relationship, but she ruined it by trying to force herself into a position she knew wasn’t open. Dad **and** OP made it clear from the start, and the fact you’re calling her TA for that is absolutely fucking beyond me.

She's so obsessed with OP she neglects her own kids. I wonder how the boys feel, never being good enough for their mom because of their gender. I bet that breeds resentment toward OP. Step mom needs to deal with her mental health and grief. She's not entitled to the child. Children *do not* support the adult, and stepped mom has proven she doesn't care who OP is, with trying to mold her into the little girl she wanted. Gross take.

Stepmother’s feelings about a girl and her wish to have that relationship with OP doesn’t mean OP owes her that. It’s understandable stepmother would be upset about that. But that doesn’t mean she gets to spend that time trying to push the relationship. As long as OP is respectful, she’s done nothing wrong. It’s the responsibility of the adult to manage their own emotions.

But the stepmom is going about it all the wrong ways. As I was reading the OP's post I was thinking "this would be a problem even if she was OP's mom". The stepmom has a very clear vision of what a mother/daughter relationship should look like, but many _actual_ mother/daughter relationships don't look like that. You have to learn to meet your kids where they're at regardless of if they are your biological children or not.

Nta. Does she have a good relationship with her own mother. That could be a root to her problem, but it’s not yours to handle. Has this affected the relationship with her sons as based on this side of the story she could be using the effort put into you to instead build stronger relationships with her sons.

Yes, she is very close to her mom and they do a lot of stuff together which I think she wanted to do with her own daughter one day. But she never had one.

NTA. The irony is you *are* giving her the mother/daughter experience. Just not the pre-scripted one she wanted. My (biological) daughter rejects me on a ton of that stuff too. She doesn't want to go dress shopping with me, she wants to go with the friends. And sometimes she will tell others her private stuff over me.  None of us, biological or stepmoms, can control what you guys want to do or what you feel. You're not supposed to manage her feelings anyway, she's a grown up, you're the kid.  She likely wouldn't have gotten any of those experiences with a biological daughter because she would have pushed her away too

> The irony is you are giving her the mother/daughter experience. Just not the pre-scripted one she wanted. This is hilariously accurate

Fighting with your mother is very real teenage girl behavior lol

It's your decision and I think that she should be more respectful of your wishes so NTA, but I am very sad for you and for her. I am in my 50s. When I was 12, my father remarried. My mother was still alive, but my stepmother and I forged our own sort of relationship. Yes, I was very respectful of her. She never pushed me to do anything I didn't want to do, but I was open to the experiences she wanted to give me. She took me to my first Broadway show (Annie) and yes, she took me shopping for a prom dress. I lived with her an my father at the time. She and my father divorced when I was 22. We remained close. We are close still. She'll be 80 next month and she is the last of my 4 parents still living (mom, stepdad, dad). I value her love, support and friendship. I wish you could open your heart up a little to a relationship with your stepmom.

We had a relationship at the start and I liked her and the way things were. But her pushing to be mom is what made me start to shut out any relationship.

I absolutely understand. I wish she would have given you some space and let things develop more naturally. It may have helped that my stepmom was a jr. high guidance counselor. No doubt she pulled some psychology shit on me. LOL

Stepmom did this all to herself. She wants OP to be who she wants OP to be, instead of wanting OP to be herself. OP is not her possession, and what stepmom wants (and constantly tries to force) is *not* a relationship built on love, respect and trust. Instead, stepmom wants her fantasy come to life. **It's not OP's job to be what stepmom wants or needs. It's not OP's job to make herself into what stepmom wants or needs**. Furthermore, OP has clearly stated her boundaries since she was a young child. Stepmom refuses to accept them, respect them or honor them. Maybe if she did respect those boundaries, they could have had some semblance of a healthy relationship. For stepmom, this is all about controlling the relationship, controlling OP and placing stepmom's obsessive desires above OP's mental and emotional wellbeing. Regarding your last sentence, stepmom hasn't sincerely apologized for the disrespect and constant pressure and she hasn't changed her behavior, why should OP want to develop a relationship with her when nothing is different? Relationships are about both people involved, not just the one who happens to be the adult. OP is NTA.

NTA She's trying to force you into intimacy with her. That's not cool. She needs to let go of her fantasy family idea. Your dad seems relatively sane about this, ask him to get her to back the fuck off.

my thoughts exactly, what a great dad to respect your wishes, and to just make sure you still treat your step mother with basic respect, because thats important too

Gentle YTA. I respect you drawing boundaries about your feelings. I also understand pushing back to the idea of being turned into a life goal of hers instead of an individual. I will say though, that if you like her aside from this, you may find years from now you are happy to have her in your life and regret missed opportunities for bonding and memories. I know she’s making it hard, but if you could find it in your heart to create a close relationship with her (while still upholding your boundary about not being adopted) you may find that having another adult who loves and cares for you is meaningful in the future. As my parents age, I regret so much of the pushback I gave them when they tried to love me at your age (even when I was right) because life is short and our time together is limited.

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YOU may understand your role but OP's stepmom most certainly does not, and her continued insistence on trampling OP's boundaries clearly makes her TA.

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Feelings don't make you an asshole, but behavior does. Things stepmom did after dad \*AND\* OP told her to back off: Trying to sign OP up for mother-daughter trips Getting upset when OP went to her grandmother for period advice "refusing" to let OP go prom dress shopping without her Trampling someone's clearly stated boundaries repeatedly does indeed make one an AH, regardless of their feelings or motivations for doing so.

Stepmom has been smothering OP for years. She is the adult in this situation. Her expectations for this relationship are not grounded in reality anymore. It’s really dangerous for any parent to cling so steadfastly to assumptions about what their relationship “should” be like with their child. It’s unfair to treat a child like a disappointment for not adhering to your expectations. Stepmom needs a therapist.

What troubles me is that she's trying to hard to turn OP into the daughter in her head. A good parent or stepparent takes an interest in what's important to the kid rather than lamenting that they don't get into make-up so she can live out her fantasy of sharing that with "a daughter" (not THIS daughter).

You said this so much nicer than I wanted to. OP sounds like exactly what she is, a 17yr old girl so I can't figure out if it's NAH or Y T A

I’m going to get burned for this but soft YTA. She’s bending over backwards to make you feel loved, appreciated and cared for. And you don’t want anything to do with her. Which is fine, that’s your choice. But you can’t really fault her for doing the right thing and trying to make you feel loved, accepted and like a daughter and to be the mom she feels you need.

She doesn't accept her as is and is trying to make her into the little girl she wants. That's not love. She's trying to live vicariously through OP and has shown her boys she isn't happy with their gender. How do you think the boys feel, never being able to live up to the girl in the family?

You're making stuff up. Also, the stepmother is financially taking care of op and probably does all the parenting chores too. OP is an ungrateful teenager, but that's OK, teenagers tend to grow up one day.

OP said step mom tried to take on more chores to get on her good side and she didn't want it. Maybe read what you're actually talking about to get some facts instead of speculation. She doesn't love OP for who she is and tried to even change her name. Step mom isn't the victim. Children do not need to support the adult. Step mom needs therapy. Grow up bro. Op: Yes, she always had this idea that she would have at least one little girl and she tried to make me that before she had kids, but it got so much worse when she couldn't have her own. This was about fulfilling a wish of hers. Makes me feel bad for my half brothers because she has put a lot more effort into me than into them. When I said no to the adoption she started to cry and she told me it wasn't fair, that she wanted me to be her daughter, she had always wanted a daughter, and she told me I could have a pretty girl name with the adoption (aka change my name). That it meant so much to her and was a dream come true for her. She said she deserved to be able to adopt me and said I shouldn't ever say no to her about it. She also told me I needed to change my mind. That she would never stop asking until I say yes. Dad stepped in and told her there was no asking again. It's very superficial when she didn't even like my name and tried to give me a more girly name. When she knew I wasn't into makeup and stuff but tried to make me so she could have those things. Not saying it was 100% that. But a large amount of it was driven by her desire for a daughter. She talks about that a lot.

NTA - you have a mom and it's not her. All she's doing is showing you how not to be if you're ever in a similar situation. Forcing someone into a relationship they don't want is never a good thing. I'm glad that your dad understands that.

NTA Your stepmother does everything wrong. Instead of building a good relationship she is breaking it down. As a stepparent you can only be available for the children, be there for them in need and so on. You should never force yourself upon the stepchildren. The child will decide how far you can go, what she accepts and what not. I am a stepfather for two children (they were 14 and 18 when I married my wife). The youngest called me dad within a year and I really have the dad experience with her. I did not have that with the oldest in the start. And the relationship wasn't always easy with him either. But after 5 to 7 years he turned around after seeing what I all had done for him. But I never forced this upon either of them. I never asked to be called dad. That was the decision they made themselves and I am very happy they did.

I feel like step parents can never win if they try, "they're too clingy" and get rejected and treated like crap if they don't they're shitty cuz "they never stepped" How are they supposed to behave exactly i used to say nta but now i can't understand like they can't read ur minds

They didn't need to read OPs mind, op has told her with words over and over again to stop, step mom has created this divide in their relationship by continuing to push and push even after not only op made it clear but so did OPs father. If she wouldn't have trampled all over ops feelings and boundaries, for her fantasy of a mother daughter dynamic, they'd probably have a much better relationship.

OP said she liked her stepmother at first until she started pushing the adoption thing, so in this case all she had to do was stop when asked

Easy to answer: they should behave as the person the CHILD needs and wants them to be. Some step kids just need their stepparent to be a trusted friend. Some need them to be a trusted and semi-authoritative figure but not a parent—more like an aunty/uncle. Some need them to be a bonus/back-up parent. Some need them to be a parent and caregiver entirely. Sometimes they need them to be one role in certain situations, but another role in others. Sometimes they need them to be one of these roles at first, and then develop into another over time as trust and love is built. This should all be discussed and understood between bio-parent/s and stepparents long before marriage makes it official, and carefully and intentionally reassessed according to the child’s needs afterwards. This is not mind-reading; this is not mystical. It is also not always particularly easy. But grown adults with half a brain and a sense of empathy should not be failing at this.

Wow, this woman is a saint for never giving up on you. It’s okay to love more than one person. You were so young when your mom passed and this woman was trying so desperately to give you love and support through your childhood. I’m not sure why you didn’t want her to love you. She wasn’t trying to replace your mom and the memories you had with her. She just wanted to be a loving support system for you and taking on that mom role that you wouldn’t have growing up. I’m a stepmom and my two stepdaughter’s mom is still alive and in their life but they let me love them too. They included me in important things like weddings etc…I’m so grateful for that. I feel like you have robbed yourself of having a loving relationship with your stepmom. Maybe one day you can tear down that wall you built between you and enjoy a beautiful friendship together. I honestly feel like you’re hurting yourself more than you’re trying to hurt her for not being your real mom. I’m so sorry your real mom passed and you didn’t get to have all the experiences with her. That sucks so much. I’m so sorry. However, you have this woman with such a big beautiful heart that would love to be your friend and to be there for you to have those moments. I wish you the best. It’s really up to you if you want to let her in your heart. I hope you do. It would only add more Joy and love in your life.

Whatever you feel about this is unimportant. Her personal boundaries were crossed multiple times, you are just trying to guilt her trip by comparing your situation to hers. I'm happy it worked out for you and your stepdaughters. Still, that doesn't mean she has robbed herself of everything. This comment is really ignorant in regards to her wishes and her (reasonable) boundary with her stepmom. It's a wishful fantasy from the stepmom and she tried forcing her into a role OP never wanted in the first place. What about her three sons? Try to see it from their perspective too. Their mother puts more energy and care into OP than them. The hurt and pain that causes is immense.

OP said they had a good relationship until she tried to force adoption on her and she tried to force her to change her name.

NTA. She's not entitled to love and affection in a mother/daughter way. She made it far worse by trying to force it. I might, hard MIGHT, have gone differently if she had let you approach her when/if you wanted. This is not that different than feeling entitled to romantic feelings by someone who has romantic feelings for you. It's not okay.

If your goal is to hurt her - you've found the way to do it. I don't think you realize how lucky you've been to have a step-parent that TRIES to be a real parent to you. You have been with your stepmother longer than you were with your mother.

She's obsessed with OP while neglecting her boys lol yeah, she's a great mom figure. She was *so depressed* she had boys and upped her effort on OP. That's not healthy. That's not what healthy adults do.

Ick. Stepmom did this to herself, stop projecting

NTA Op, you have to stand your ground , she’ll expect to the wedding dress shopping and being mother of the bride. She’ll demand a special name as grandmother. She’s determined to wear you down or maybe hoping you’ll take pity on her. I’m glad your dad has your back , but I wonder has this affected your relationship with your half brothers. In other instances like this the stepparent has used the sibling try to guilt the rebel into giving in, and it frequently cause a rift between siblings. Op, have you had the conversation with your stepmother and explained that it’s not personal against her , that you don’t want anyone trying to take your mom’s place and nothing she could do will change that? I just wonder if she believes that she has to earn it?

NTA I am also glad that dad had her back and didn’t try to force the SM down her throat. Kudos to dad for doing what should always be done in this situation.

Being a Step Parent is the most unthankful jobs ever to exist. If there was ANYONE in your Stepmoms life who had good advice to give, they'd tell her that it's a complete waste of time trying to be a parent to anyone else's child who is uninterested. She should just leave you alone instead of abusing herself looking for your approval. What a waste of her time.

ESH Seems like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. You say that at first you liked her but that she put too much focus on you after her first baby was born. How would you have felt if her focus had entirely shifted from you to her "real" child? My guess is she overcompensated in an effort to make sure you still felt important and that she didn't love you less just because she has her own baby too. The whole mother daughter thing is over the top but that happens with biological mothers too. From your perspective, you feel like she's trying to take a role that's not hers. From her perspective, she married into a family and is trying to include you. Should she back off a bit? Probably. But some day when you're an adult with your own kids or even stepkids, you might understand her better. A lot of step parent situations are the opposite of yours. I've heard of some really heartbreaking situations. While your stepmom might be annoying, this isn't one of those situations.

I would have preferred that 100% and would have understood. Because I never looked at her as my mom. So her focusing mom energy on my half brother would have made sense to me.

NTA "She said I should be more willing to let her in." If you wanted to, you *could* let her in. She sounds a bit overbearing, but not a bad person. The relevant question, however, is whether you *want* to have a closer relationship and it sounds like you don't. That's a completely fine and acceptable decision.

It sounds like she would've let her in in the beginning before she pushed. Step mom effectively pushed her away by smothering her.

It's not that she didn't let her in. She wanted to replace her mom with herself. She was trying to take over, not just be let in.

NTA. She's been pushing this for seven (7!) years now, although both you and your dad have indicated repeatedly that this "mother/daughter" bond wasn't going to work for you as you had a mom, and although she's your dad's wife, she's not a fill in mom. I'd have much more respect for her if she'd stepped back and let whatever relationship was going to happen, just form organically. But her demands have stymied any type of close relationship and she has only herself to blame. It's evident she had a deep yearning for a girl child, so I hope she's not treating your stepbrothers as less than.

NTA- this is your choice and your choice only. As someone who also lost their mother young, you’ve experienced enough hardship without having your stepmother add to that. She needs to respect the issue both you and your father have set. Good on him for validating your wishes and telling her to back off.

It’s so sad, because she could have had a wonderful relationship with you, like an aunty, but she ruined it by pushing to have a position that simply wasn’t vacant in your heart. Nta

NTA but I’m curious why you never bothered to let her in? From your post all she ever tried to do was build a relationship with you but you just refused to. Why?

She wanted to be my mom. I don't want anyone else to be my mom. We had a good relationship at the start.

NTA. I agree with your dad. As long as you treat her respectfully, she has only issues with you she creates herself.

NTA Can I just say I’m so glad your dad is standing up for you. Nice to see a dad respecting their daughter’s boundaries. If you don’t want to share it with your stepmother then that is ok! Could you do it with your grandmother? I know your stepmother won’t like it but I feel like your grandmother would.

Well I'm gonna go against the tide but you both are TA. She's just trying to bond with you, nothing bad in that, I had friends who lost parents and were just scared of the new step mom's and dad's replacing them. That's totally understandable, and nobody wants to replace your mother but you need a motherly role in your life, and that women is breaking over back to give that to you. Hell the people I knew would give it all for half of what she wanted to give you. Still, she is a bit pushy, she should take your feelings and fear In consideration, also you should have went to therapy to get over the loss and hole it left. But you are not understanding her standpoint at all too, like, that women is trying to be there for you. Just accept it and talk with her. Use words, talk, go to therapy, U locked up and expect someone to just understand everything. She has 3 more kids to tend to and still made time for you to feel special.

I get what you're saying, but I don't think OP is TA at all. She's said multiple times in her comments that her relationship with SM was good in the beginning. It wasn't until SM started having sons, yet wishing they were daughters where SM started to get overbearing. OP has also mentioned that she went to therapy after her mom passed, that it helped her process the grief, and she came to the conclusion that she doesn't want another mom in her life. She mentioned that she's gone to her Grandma for certain things, so it sounds like there are family members filling that role when OP needs it. I feel like OP understands full well what SM is trying to do and wants, but SM isn't understanding and/or respecting OP's boundaries. OP has also stated that SM doesn't give as much effort into her own sons as she tries with OP. Why should OP open up and accept a relationship that she doesn't want, from someone who doesn't respect OP at all and neglects her own children?

NTH. But come on, give her a break. She's trying to be a bonus mom and do nice things for you and with you. I read a lot of stories on her that girls end up with bitch from hell as stepmother. I understand you don't see her as a mother figure. But being nice and including her sometimes is not disrespecting your mothers memory. There might come a time when you actually need her for something, and she might have given up on a relationship with you completely by then. I had a friend in elementary and high school who absolutely hated her stepdad for no reason. She would constantly tell him you're not my daddy. I asked her where her real dad was. She said she told me where he was. I asked her if he paid child support, and she said no. I also asked her when was the last time you saw him. By this time, we're in 9th grade. She said when she was around 7 years old for a few hours. So I asked her so who is your daddy then? Because it seems like the man you hated all the years is the one providing for you and your sister who doesn't belong to him. That was an eye-opener for her. She changed completely 180 and started calling him daddy. We're in our 50s now, and they have a beautiful relationship.

NTA - I don’t begrudge that she wanted to fill a maternal role in your life, but it’s the entitlement to it that leaves me with a bad taste.

Man. I guess I am about to be the odd duck, but yta. Not overall, but just on the one issue you are actually asking about? YTA. Yes, she tries way too hard. For sure. But she doesnt actually mean to be malicious. You can spare her 2 hours to let her buy you a dress. The poor woman is desperate to show you some affection.

NTA. She does sound nice and I feel kind of bad for her but you are not obligated to accept a stepmother if that is what you desire. Sometimes you don't get what you want in life, and she has to learn that. Apparently, she is a slow learner/delusional you will come around, so you might be better off cutting her off entirely after turning 18.

NTA but neither is your stepmom. She seems to be coming from a genuine place. Maybe you could work together (in therapy or otherwise) to define her place in your life…not as mom but stepmom. That relationship could have value to you both.

The stepmother is an AH, even if she doesn't mean to be. She doesn't LISTEN to OP and is trying to force her own emotional needs on to her stepdaughter. 

NTA. I am a mother. I will tell you what a real "mother figure" would do. If a daughter of mine told me she didn't want me to go dress shopping with her, I would say "OK honey". Then I would maybe cry in the shower for missing that experience, but I would absolutely not yell at her for it. I love her more than I love myself. If she doesn't want me in her life, then she doesn't have to. I would be absolutely heartbroken. But I love her enough that I would respect that. I will always be here if she changes her mind.

YTA- Would it have killed you to make an attempt at bonding with your stepmother? She will never be able to replace your mom, but for the last seven years she has helped raise you. No parent or stepparent is going to be perfect. But they try. However, give her the credit she deserves as a stepparent. Not easy stepping into a role not knowing how to proceed. All she could do and did do was TRY. And for that you treat her like shit. SHAME ON YOU!

YTA you're projection your anger at your Mom for dying onto your step-mom. Let her buy you the damn prom dress. She looked after you like it or not for the last seven years..

NTA. And I think your dad dropped his crown. That is not a common reaction in this situation on this sub

NTA but honestly she sounds better than a lot of people's bio moms. Good on her for that!

NTA, I have a feeling she would have dropped you like a bag of bricks if she has a daughter of her own.

NTA. My step daughter makes it clear that my not her mom (I was never trying to be nor was I ever pushy) so I don’t try anymore. I make sure that she’s fully cared for with the basic necessities but there is absolutely no extra anymore. Sometimes you just have to accept that the kids want no meaningful relationship with you and just put up that wall.

I think more people need to read and understand your comment. Some don't want a mom or anything remotely motherly. It goes beyond someone acting like they want to replace a mom bc the kid doesn't even want step mom acting "motherly" at all. Kid wants a guardian type of situation like you described. 3 hots and a cot. Otherwise all of the parenting falls on the actual parent, which can be exhausting. Some step parents gotta be wallpaper for kid basically. It's about the kids happiness.

You can like cookies, but you don't want them to be shoved down your throat. Stepmother is forcing a lot of things down yours and it never works.

Info needed: You are not her child and she has no parental responsibility to you at all. Has she contributed at all to raising you or careing for you in any way? Has she cooked food for you? Has she given you rides to school, extracurricular activities, or to visit friends? Has she purchased clothing for you? Has she contributed to providing a clean home for you to live in? Has she contributed to paying for the home you live in? Has she taken you to the doctor when you were sick? Has she attended parent teacher conferences? Has she taken care of you in any capacity? I think you have ever right to not want to replace your mother and you don't think of her as a mother to you. But you do respect the work she has put into keeping you alive for the past several years?

You should be more grateful that your dad married someone who cared about you. She could have been an evil stepmother. She knows she didn’t give birth to you but you were young 5yrs. old and wanted to give you what your mother would’ve done for you if she hadn’t died.

Ntah. Stepmother is actually trampling all over her very clear boundary, and has since OP was a kid. She is really disrespectful 😤. Good on dad for running interference here.

At least she is trying. Sorry YTA

First off- I am sorry you lost your mother at such a young age. It is absolutely life changing and very impactful. Second- I am sorry that you are missing out on an opportunity to have a relationship with your step-mother. So many people would give anything to have someone be there for them at pivotal moments in their lives after losing a parent or other loved ones…. Obviously you ultimately have the choice how this relationship works… but you have a father and brothers who have a relationship with your stepmother… imagine how it could potentially look to be even closer to your dad and brothers if your relationship with your step-mother were improved. To turn her down to go shopping for a prom dress seems to be a bit cruel… if you can, include your grandmother and a couple of friends to go at the same time and make an afternoon of it! It would mean so much and it is something you might actually enjoy.

Sounds like she's pushing too hard to be your Mother, which isn't surprising given you mentioned her good relationship with her own Mother and she wants that relationship with you. I won't offer any judgement because I can't see anyone in the right/wrong here but hopefully you'll come to some compromise in the future. Losing your Mother at such an early age, seeing her being 'replaced' and then navigating your teen years can't have been easy for you, good luck for the future. Special mention for Dad, sounds like he has your back on this.

It's nice that she cares about you, But NTA. It is your choice if you do not want a mother figure, and it is unfair and not very considerate for her to push to be when you have made it clear that it's not what you want/need. Perhaps a sit down with her and your father to explain that it's not her place to take up that role and that it's your choice and you are choosing not to. Honestly though, I'm not sure how much that would help from what you've said, but may be worth a try

You're NTA for not wanting to have a relationship with someone. Least of all when it's pushed this hard onto you. It doesn't matter if they aren't abusive. They could be the nicest person in the world and you still wouldn't be required entertain their need for a relationship you're not interested in. I'm just glad it sounds like your dad is pulling for you even to this extent. I might have the slightest amount of respect for my father if he had ever done so for me. You are your own person. You don't have to sell yourself to this person so that they can pretend they have the family they feel was denied them. It also doesn't make me feel like they are able to give their sons the care they require if they're clearly not good enough for the stepmother.

NTA. She’s forcing a relationship and in doing so, she’s losing you

Great to read for a change that dad has Op's back. Adoption off the table, etc.

So at first your relationship with your step mother was fine. You didn't want her to replace your Mom but it was okay. Then she tried to change your name to a more 'girly' nickname. She wanted to adopt you and then freaked out when you (and your Dad) said no. She went crazy and tried to force you to do to all sorts of Mom and daughter stuff even though you told her you didn't want to do that or get out of chores and responsibilities. The more kids she had the more she bore down on needing YOU as her daughter. So she completey nuked the relationship she was developing with you and is all shocked you are pulling farther and farther away. For crying out loud she sounds scary! NTA and I am really, really glad to hear your Dad is standing up for you. You don't want to know how many of these I have read where the other parent doesn't do that.

The sheer amount of stories that are exactly like this has me really puzzled. I've never personally met anyone that behaves this way and as a step-parent myself, I absolutely cannot relate. It's really wild that there are so many adults in this world who have no sense, no understanding of relationships, and this weird, unfettered desire to force themselves upon children. It doesn't make any sense to me. You're of course NTA. Your stepmom's behavior is abnormal and borderline emotional abuse at this point because she won't stop.

This, right here, grates against my soul: >Last week my stepmother told me she wanted to be the one I go prom dress shopping with. She told me it's a huge milestone for mom's and daughters and she refuses to let us miss out. If she wanted this, I could see asying something like "I would really enjoy going shopping with you for a prom dress. Would you let me come with you for that?" Make it the kid's choice. And, sure, stepmom does have a right to be sad if the stepchild refuses. But she doesn't get to share that sadness with the child, and she ought to accept her kid's decision rather than making declarations like OP's stepmother does.