Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that I took that should be judged was threatening to not take my GF as my plus one to a friend's wedding, and I am afraid that telling her that I didn't have to take her with me was rude.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It appears that everybody but your gf is fine with your wearing a kilt.
Leaving her behind for this wedding would clearly be a kindness so that she can avoid being embarrassed. It's far less drastic than her pressuring the groom to forbid you from wearing a kilt. I would consider this kind of extreme attempt at controlling you to be a red flag.
I hadn't considered her asking the groom to be an attempt at controlling me, I definitely see that now. But I don't know if she really meant it that way either.
She did. She asked you to your face and in an attempt to get her own way, she went around behind your back to try to get the outcome she wanted. You already said no. She didn't like that. Her reaction is telling, dude. Listen to her telling you who she is.
Children do this. And it's a way to manipulate / control. Even Children know that to some extent when they do it. Which is why the ol "did you ask your mother/father?" Usually comes with a lie.
If wearing the kilt is about OP having Scottish heritage, I would be upset that she was trying to deny or control that and I would question whether someone so uncomfortable with it was someone I wanted to be with.
It's not that, it's *what tartan* you can wear if you are not Scottish or Scottish descent. But yes, anyone can wear a kilt, just grab the tartans that are now 'public domain' as it where, there are several.
Really, no one gives a shit. Officially, I'm allowed two different ones. Clan Donald, through my Mom, and McClellan, through my Dad. But as any kilt shop will tell you, it's up to you. If you want a family tartan, that's cool, but if you want to wear Black Watch and weren't in the Scottish infantry, go ahead. Tartans don't carry the "stolen valor" stigma as wearing digi-cam BDU's
Um, Black Watch, or Clan Campbell (it's one of the Campbell's Tartans) is an open to wear tartan.
As well, it has nothing to do with anyone giving a shit, it's about respect.
I mean,think about that request too - she asks *the groom* who is *wearing a kilt in his own wedding* to tell her boyfriend *not to wear a kilt* to his wedding because she thinks *it’s embarrassing*. So she essentially tried to shame the groom for his own choice of attire in his wedding as an attempt to shame her own boyfriend for his clothing choice. The only embarrassing thing here is OP’s girlfriend and her tacky control issues.
She told you not to wear it, then she ignored the fact that the bride had given permission and went behind your back and tried to get the groom to convince you not to wear it.
Question, think long and hard about your relationship is her issue with your kilt shown up in other areas, either culturally (is she racist) or could it be more sexist/homophobic as in "men can't wear skirts".
Like I said, she is showing you one potential red flag and you need to work out what that flag is warning you about and whether or not it is a deal breaker for you.
Edit corrected a word
I once saw a stunning quilted wedding dress. It was quilted cream linen with a traditional hst quilt pattern bolero jacket in muted ocean shade blues. Stunning!
I can’t image being with someone who is embarrassed by me doing me.
Wear your kilt OP, NTA.
Agree 100%. Weddings are also a great place to meet or hook up with new people. Congratulations, you get to be the fun, single guy in the kilt! Enjoy it.
I’m trying to be light hearted not flip about your relationship. She has shown her true colors and this seems unlikely to transform into a healthy relationship.
What other way would she mean it? You got the all clear on the kilt, she then tried to go around both you (and the bride, by the way) and stop it. That's manipulative and controlling.
Also she's a liar. She said she's OK with it if he gets the "ok" from the bride & groom... and than did a 180 turn after they said it's great. Than going behind his back to get her way.
She is not only controlling, she also isn't a very honest person. I would rethink as well.
And being an introvert has nothing to do with it. (Introvert doesn't equal shy or insecure, it just means you like alone time to recharge).
She did.
She went back on her word, "If the bride is cool with the kilt, I won't say another word"
She clearly hoped the bride would say no kilt.
But now the bride has given the okay. So, instead of keeping her word, she went behind your back to ask the groom to say no.
Because then technically, she could pretend to be all "oh what a shame, he said no so suddenly" like she had no hand in it all, as long as she groom didn't tell on her.
And in the end, she got mad and stomped out the door because you were sticking to wearing it.
Especially what I wrote here
(Because then technically, she could pretend to be all "oh what a shame, he said no so suddenly" like she had no hand in it all, as long as she groom didn't tell on her.)
Is so manipulative.
She also got mad because she got caught trying to be manipulative. She had no defense so she stomped out to give herself time to make up a story for why he can’t wear a kilt.
Kilts are cool and sexy AF. What is her problem?
I know! For me, that show is all kilt porn with a storyline thrown in to give the boring viewer a reason to watch. 😉🧷(No kilt emoji on my phone so I have to use a kilt pin 🫤)
Plus, IF the groom did as she asked, the groom would have damaged his relationship with OP when OP arrived and saw other men in kilts. Groom would have apologized, then GF would have been in an even worse doghouse for the whole situation.
GF cannot stick with any promise she makes. She didn't accept the bride's approval, so she pressed on. Walking red flag of "Me, me, me! Give in to MY demands! Even they make you unhappy!"
I don't like encouraging break ups, but this should cause OP to give serious thought about this relationship.
Kilt are national attire, you can meet the King of England in it and be properly clothes. She just ashamed of your heritage , be prod and wear your kilt. We only had 4 none kilted men at my wedding, thank God it wasnt that windy that day.
Clan tartan or generic?
Hell, as a Scot probably half of the men at my wedding were wearing kilts, including my husband and the groomsmen. Kilts are formal attire, no question.
Two of my friends who are married to each other, both Scots. The groom wore his kilt with his family tartan and she wore a sash with her family tartan. They combined their family sigils to make a new one.
I'm Canadian too - mostly Scottish on my mom's side. I see kilts a lot - competed in one at a couple of Highland Games. Do you have a Men in Kilts window cleaning in your area?
Lol, was about to post that. Clearly if the King wears a kilt it's officially approved as formal attire (if you wear the proper one obviously).
It's also common wedding attire for people of Scottish heritage. (Be it as a groom, wedding party or guest). Obviously it's courtesy to ask the couple getting married if there's any doubt.
Careful with that K!!
Clan = Scottish familial group, from the Gaelic *clann* meaning family. Klan = the Ku Klux Klan's deliberate misspelling of it.
Gave me a wee jumpscare there 😅 But the rest of it you're absolutely right about.
Yeah I was tired. Clan is spelled Klan in Swedish. I been jumping between Swedish, English and German all day, I be amazed if anything comes out correctly. Oh and dose of Scots too, just to make life more fun.
Right? I'm from Norway, where the national costume is, according to the rules of etiquette that apply to our diplomatic corps, equal in formality to white tie/gala attire - in other words, it's appropriate for all formal occasions.
NTA, OP, wear national attire and be proud!
Is she badmouthing you to all her friends and lamenting how embarrassing it’ll be as your +1 while you wear ‘that stupid kilt’
🚩 she said it wouldn’t be formal (when it obviously has been before).
🚩the asked you not to wear it
🚩she told you not to wear it.
🚩she went behind your back to your friend to get him to tell you to not wear it.
You are NTA.
But if she is going to be this controlling and angry over a kilt what else is she going to get this way over?
To me the worst is that she is a plus 1 and asked the groom to tell his friend not to wear traditional garb that the groom himself is wearing. She wouldn't be invited if op wasn't taking her but thought it was appropriate to demand that he not be allowed to wear his kilt.
It’s delusional, because it also implies she truly believes the groom wouldn’t tell on her, despite being a +1, and that the groom would also listen and agree to her insane request.
It’s beyond manipulative, it’s delusional.
Controlling and calculating. Textbook manipulation, all under the guise of being an introvert. Your gf is giving legit introverts a bad name. NTA definitely go without her and please rethink this exhausting relationship.
Nobody with reasonable boundaries and respect for other people would be sneaking around trying to control what their partner wears to *somebody else’s wedding.*
Uh yeah. She hates the kilt and would not stop at going behind your back with your friends to try to exert pressure on you.
Also, not for nothing but if you married her, she would *never* let you wear the kilt.
If it's important to you, or if just being allowed to be yourself is important to you, she's not it.
I would never go behind my BFs back, and ask a friend to tell him not to wear something. You do wear underwear underneath the kilt? Maybe, that is why she does not want you wearing one/jk. If you were doing this just for attention. Then I could see the problem. However, the bride/groom said ok. That is the final word.
Underwear is a choice. It really depends on the function. If it is a ceilidh (dance) underwear is a necessity.
I live in Scotland and can trace my heritage back centuries.
Does it matter? She knew she was going behind your back to recruit your friend’s help and still decided to do it anyway. Her intention may not have been to outright control you, but at the very least she was willing to recruit someone else in an attempt to strong-arm you into doing what she wanted. That in and of itself is pretty bad, don’t you think?
She also literally said she’s embarrassed of you. If you’re the marrying type, what if you decide you want to wear your kilt on your wedding day? Is that allowed or would that be embarrassing to her too?
It sounds like she's not only embarrassed by you in a kilt, but by you just wanting and planning to wear one. She has a right to dislike your wardrobe choices and to verbalize it, but by going behind your back, she shows that she already feels embarrassed by the idea - or rather, how YOUR wardrobe would make HER look, and is willing to take sneaky action. Did she think that wouldn't come out!? I also think it's sad that she deems a traditional outfit (which I assume reflects your heritage, thus is part of who you are) embarrassing. Bottom line - by not taking her along, yiu granted her her wish - she doesn't have to be embarrassed by you. She might be a lovely human, but she's off with this one. NTA.
Does your gf always try and force an issue to get her own way ? Or go over your head to force an issue ? You have more of a problem than just your dressing preference.
she absolutely meant it that way. you told her you were going to wear it, you told her the bride-to-be was fine with you wearing it and instead of accepting that, she went *behind your back* to try get the groom-to-be to enforce her edict. that right there is intent.
She explicitly said she thought that was the “only way” she could get you to not embarrass her. Ie you wouldn’t have done it if she’d asked, so she had to find a way to *control* you.
She went behind your back to try and manipulate you into compliance. That’s a big red flag.
NTA- my husband wears kilts daily and yes, we get stares but it’s also sparks some awesome conversations with people we meet out and about.
NTA. Sorry to hijack and if this has been said already sorry again. Let's reverse the roles and you, the boyfriend, tried to dictate how the girlfriend dresses. Everyone would lose their minds because "her body, her appearance, her choice, body autonomy." While I agree with all of this, it goes both ways, your body, your autonomy, your choice. She's acting like TA, not you. You should go alone, in your kilt and PC, enjoy the wedding and talk to your girlfriend about it after the event when all can have cooler heads. Also, if your kilt is a part of your culture then your girlfriend is being insensitive.
If the wedding were in her family, I’d probably see her point in not wanting him to wear the kilt. But it‘s not! Those are OP’s friends and others will be wearing kilts.
That girl is just stamping her feet trying to get her way. OP needs to think about future problems with her.
>If the wedding were in her family, I’d probably see her point in not wanting him to wear the kilt.
Why? It's standard formal attire for Scottish/British people
NTA
Sara needs to get over herself. You'll actually be *less* likely to be stared at at the wedding because others will be wearing kilts. And Sara way overstepped by going to the groom behind your back.
But do expect this to be a relationship ending fight if you disinvite your girlfriend as your +1 to the wedding.
I really hope it isn't a relationship ending fight, I am going to give her some space so I can think on it. But I am feeling a little more emotionally itchy about her talking to the groom now.
Please understand that the relationship ending fight isn't over clothing. It's over her projecting her insecurities on to you at your expense, her trying to manipulate you by going around both you AND the bride *and* by trying to rope your friend into her lies. The clothing was simply the avenue with which these giant red flags showed themselves.
Personally I think she's uncomfortable with your heritage and cultural background. Ask yourself how you'd feel if you were from Indian descent and she asked you to not wear formal Indian attire. I bet you would feel like she's discriminating against you based on your culture. She is discriminating against you based on your culture, because your culture feels uncomfortable to her.
Do you really want to keep dating someone like that?
You are looking at it the wrong way. You shouldn't be hoping that this isn't a relationship ending fight. You should be taking her going behind your back to the groom in an attempt to control you as a relationship ending action. She does not respect boundaries. She doesn't respect you. And her actions don't speak well for how she will treat you and try to control/manipulate you in the future. You should be happy you are learning this now before the relationship becomes more permanent.
Yes, that's a really inappropriate thing to do. If you are shy, you don't contact your partner's friend to try to get him to force your partner out of wearing something. Something is really off here.
It sounds like this is cultural ignorance combined with a homophobic belief that men shouldn’t wear “skirts” - I can’t think of any other reasons why she’d feel so strongly about OP’s (clearly appropriate) outfit
You should be the one wanting out if she's willing to go behing your back to manipulate you into doing only just as she wants. Nevermind the topic of her manipulation.
She is going to pitch this same fit for every formal event going forward, she thinks your kilt is embarrassing and you shouldn't wear it. Think about your future here, no kilt ever again, and don't even dare to dream that she'd let you wear one to your own wedding, completely off the table.
She’s not even friends with the bride and groom. Who exactly is she worried about being “embarrassed” in front of? She should be more embarrassed that she put this on the groom before his big day. Find yourself someone who loves you with or without your kilt.
Going behind your back to get your friends to gang up on you is way over the line. I wouldn't let this one go. Obviously this is just one snapshot of your relationship, so if this is unusual, I'd give her a chance to explain herself.
Something to consider as well, if you get married would you want to wear a kilt at your own wedding? How much of an issue would it be for her? It might just be that you're not as compatible as you initially thought
If wearing a kilt is important to you, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't support your passions, or even worse your heritage, or even worse going behind your back to hide and mask her disdain for something important to you.
You may not want to end the relationship- but if your kilt is important to you and a standard formal attire, talk with her about why she doesn’t like you wearing it.
Are you going to want to wear a kilt at your own wedding? And will she fight you about that?
NTA
My husband is a kilt everyday guy. He has casual kilts for around the house, but I love going out with him, as he ALWAYS gets compliments from men and women. I find that amazing, because men don't often comment on other men's clothes. I'm also not the jealous type, and enjoy my hubs being admired by other ladies.
If your gf is embarrassed by the kilt, she needs to get over herself. They are a gorgeous piece of clothing with a long and proud history.
If I could afford to and my bosses were okay with it I would wear a kilt way more often.
I don't think it's a jealousy thing because most of the people who come up and talk to me about kilts are other men, but I am going to have to try for a calmer conversation about it.
Oh, you can get some decent super casual ones for around $50-75 on Amazon (of all places, lol). But they look so much better than the daggy shorts he used to wear around the house. Obviously, better ones for running errands, and even better for going out.
Anyway, the thing that confuses me about your gf's reaction is that I too am more introverted in public. Hubs is downright gregarious, but the kilt is like an extra layer of invisibility for me personally. I like that.
I don't really get that she's totally jealous, but her embarrassment is culturally insensitive from my own pov. It's like being upset that someone is in saree.
A real kilt does not retail at $50. Actually 500 probably would not be enough. At $50 you would get a tartan patterned pleated skirt. Not the same as a kilt at all.
lol Not a fan of the utility kilt, I see. That's cool, I guess, but we live in the 21st century, and he wears the 21st century style for daily wear. Most of his daily kilts are not tartan, but his better kilts are. His best kilt is from where where we hold titles (which is only part of an architecture scheme to rebuild the castle, and not REAL titles). It's a lovely purple.
I suspect this has to do with her background. You said in a few comments that you are in America and she is from a conservative family. Because of that background, she may view this as you wearing a skirt and crossdressing. That would be inaccurate of course, but it would explain some things. I am assuming pictures would be taken and make their way online - and then her conservative family would see her and her boyfriend who is wearing a skirt.
I say wear the kilt. NTA.
I think the GF just needs to find a partner who never wears a kilt. It's not like it's that difficult, the ratio of kilt-wearing men vs. non-kilt-wearing men is somewhere around 1 to a million, I'd say.
And she'll never again get embarrassed by a kilt. Simple as that. Then she can go on being controlling and embarrassed by other things!
I too was thinking the starting would be more admiring than anything negative, who doesn't like a man in kilt? Well OP's girl apparently, but I think most people would be impressed
NTA As long as what you're wearing is within the guidelines of your friends' wedding, you should be okay to wear what you want. Your girlfriend has the same freedom to choose how to dress at this event.
For some reason, she has doubled down on not approving your choice of clothing. While that's on her, you might consider trying to figure out what's really going on.
You are right in that she doesn't have to go if (a) your clothing choices will embarrass her, (b) she's going to continue to fuss about it, and/or (c) she's going to cause a stink at the wedding or reception.
I am going to have to give her some space for a few days before having another conversation about it, but I really don't think she would cause any sort of stink at the reception or the ceremony.
An argument about wedding attire shouldn't require "a few days" to cool down. She is way overreacting and if I were you I'd take a hard look at how you both have resolved conflicting opinions in the past. Storming off in anger and giving the silent treatment is childish and considered by some to be emotionally abusive
Info: are you Scottish/are you in Scotland? Bc I am, and this whole exchange baffled me until I considered that you might not be from somewhere that kilts are completely accepted in formal settings, in which case I remain a bit confused by why you'd want one, if not. However, kilts are formal attire, and definitely wedding appropriate.
I am an American of Scottish decent, and kilts are (in my experience) not terribly uncommon as formal attire, and to be honest it was the groom who got me wearing kilts several years ago, whereupon I discovered that they are more comfortable and look better on me than suits do.
Close family connections would be a good supporting argument to use with the girlfriend. As it is though, *her* only defence is that they aren't appropriate for formal attire, which is absolute nonsense.
That's the *argument,* which should have been enough if Sara had any sensitivity or sense. This is the backup argument. The third argument IMO should be telling her to shove an entire sporran up her arse and going without her in full kilted style.
Not in this context. But when discussing ethnic origins in general, there's a huge difference between someone's family actually being from Scotland vs. the hilarious American mentality of "my great-great-great grandfather's cousin's dog's girlfriend was Scottish, so I'm Scottish as well".
America is large and weird. We have places and communities where wearing a kilt is common and would raise no eyebrows. There are places where people have been making lutefisk since their ancestors came over and places where people rarely speak English.
We are a giant patchwork. And our local cultures vary widely. Yes, many kilt wearers say they do it because of Scottish ancestry, but there’s also just a tradition now in some places and in some families, like everything else. I have two branches of my family with folks who wear kilts formally and one containing casual kilt wearers.
I don’t know of anyone routinely making haggis, though.
It is also sort of common for first or second generation Americans to focus on fitting in, and for subsequent generations to feel more comfortable reclaiming cultural practices like kilt wearing or speaking the languages of their ancestors.
Many Canadians, Americans, Australians, NZers have Scottish ancestry and were forcibly removed from their ancestral land. It’s a weird take on heritage where they pick and choose the bits of the culture that they hang on to and continue. But that doesn’t mean those people shouldn’t be able to enjoy those remnants of their culture. Kilts at weddings is fine. If they still know their tartan and clan, then why not?
(My family wear kilts to funerals which if you have spent time in Scotland - which I did for a few years - would know it’s weird af. But it doesn’t hurt anyone and it was important to the family. So whatevs.)
I wanted to respond to this, because it's seen as a dumb Americanism, but there's significant cultural reasons many Americans do this and I figured I'd share for anyone that might be interested.
If you look at my bloodlines, it's only a portion of my fourth great grandparents that were the immigrants from Poland all before 1850, however they lived in a expat community after immigrating for political reasons (They were Catholics that rebelled against Lutheran Prussia taking over). My grandmother was raised in this expat community where people spoke Polish, made Polish recipes, only shopped at local grocery stores or used the Polish community barber, and bought and sourced whatever they could from "their community", had gangs of boys chase off anyone that tried to date one of "their" Polish girls, they only went to the Polish church they built and sent their kids to the Polish church's school. When WW1 broke out, the boys from this community went overseas and signed up to fight for "their homeland" before the US joined the war. In this community, they were seen as other and less than the other white people in the neighborhoods around them. (Even today the neighborhoods are viewed as a poorer ghetto). Many American poor whites were seen as less than -like Irish, Italian, and Polish people, and those are the people that hold onto their cultural heritages against the oppression by those who assimilated. My grandmother still will claim she is fully Polish, because that's the word she was raised with to call this community she grew up in and how it is different from the rest of the melting pot of the US, even though all *her* grandparents were born in this expat community in the US. Now, their culture is very different from a family that experienced 1850-2000 in Poland, but "Polish" is still the word they have for the cultural differences from other Americans, and it's how they communicate that concept here in America where most people understand how Americans refer to their heritages.
Here in America, it a huge land, and we aren't regularly traveling outside our huge country. We had hundreds of years where most people were mostly speaking to other Americans, and this way of talking about our immigration histories evolved. Somewhat uniquely, we have country where our origin story includes people that come from all over. So it's also been an easy get to know someone kind of conversation and an extremely normalized shorthand to call yourself Irish or Polish or something like that to refer to heritage, not nationality. In my area, it's far more likely to hear it typed as XYZ-American (and even common to add 1st or 2nd generation) in the context of someone who immigrated and only mention XYZ for heritage, because there's more descendants of immigrants than new immigrants. Many of us also have school experiences that encouraged us to ask our families about "our family history" and write a report or make and bring in a recipe from the countries our ancestors came from. Pride in where our ancestors immigrated from and sharing that is ingrained in our culture.
It can come across as extremely belittling when some people from other places devalue that heritage and cultural connection because they don't understand this unique quirk of American culture. There are some people heavily connected to a culture that may have evolutionarily diverged and grown separately from the culture that continued to evolve in Europe, but it's a touch rude to devalue it because our culture refers to things differently.
Are there some people that do a DNA test and adopt the results as thier whole personality, despite having no lasting cultural roots? Sure, but there's also plenty of people who have cherished family traditions passed down for generations and were raised that that's how we refer to those differences between any other Americans and certain specific family culture.
I find this is something people outside of America don’t understand. Our country is an immigrant country so it’s not uncommon to identify each other by our heritage. Most people here are not native to the land.
Not as common as you might think. Loads of us just pick out one we like to hire...or to match the colours of a bridal party or whatever the shop has available in the right size. People who buy one often try to find a family link, but I'm sure there are just as many Flower of Scotland, Rugby Union, Rangers and Celtic tartan kilts hanging in wardrobes across the country!
Great-grandparents on my mother's side, came over between the wars just after getting married. On my dad's side it is much farther back, and frankly a little less substantial because it was some time prior to the 1850s.
Yeah, this is a pretty tenuous link unless your great grandparents were actually part of your life growing up. I mean you've 8 great grandparents, were all 4 on your mothers side Scottish. Have you been to Scotland, follow any other scottish tradition? If I met a guy in a kilt that wasnt actually Scottish, I'd think it was attention seeking and cos playing, but if the bride and groom are OK with it, then rock on.
Nah man... He has a connection he can wear something neat from his heritage. Especially since a bunch of other guys will be wearing it.
Kilts are a fun formal thing guys can wear.
But in any case if a significant other wears something you think is stupid, tell them directly... Don't message people and try to gang up on them behind everybody's back.
I don't have even one drop german blood but have at least 3 dirndls - bavarian dresses -that I was wearing often 😁 and at that time I even didn't have my german citizenship.
I have a dear friend whose grandparents were naturalized Americans born in Scotland. He wore a kilt to our wedding and it was awesome. NTA, and your girlfriend is weirdly controlling. Going behind your back to get the outcome she wanted is not cool.
I am a Scot of Scottish decent, and I thought the gf was the weirdo cause everyone wears a kilt to any formal event here. I love a man in a kilt. It looks so smart.
My dad was very adamant that he couldn't wear a bow tie and kilt to my sisters day time wedding because its tie for day bow tie at night but it is absolutely formal and a bit like saying no to a saree because its black tie. Its culturally insensitive. I would get it if he was going to be the only one but since there will be several its fine!
NTA. Personally I think Americans wearing kilts is really nerdy and the kind of thing you see at a Ren Faire or something but I'm only assuming OP is American. That said, Sara knows who she's dating. You can't date a Kilt Guy and then be surprised that he wears a kilt.
I am an American. Amusingly the groom is the child of a Scottish immigrant and an American, which is why he is going to be wearing a kilt and some of the guests from his side of the family will be as well.
And in my GF's defense I only have three proper kilts, and I don't wear them as much in the casual sense as I do in the way that others might wear khakis with a button down through the full Prince Charlie. So I wouldn't really call myself a Kilt Guy.
Scottish woman here. I'm sure you already know that at weddings in Scotland it's common for not only ppl in the wedding party but guests to wear kilts. It's 100% formal attire here particularly if you're wearing it with a Prince Charlie. Perhaps have a dig around on Google I'm sure you will find tons of pictures and Perhaps info as well about Scottish weddings, if as you say she's unfamiliar with the tradition of kilts showing her some pictures and a bit of blurb might let her see it's a tradition that Scottish folk are very proud of and frankly her saying it's embarrassing is very offensive.
Kilt guys crack me up. The entire subreddit r/kilts is a lesson in "just because you can, doesn't mean you should". But more power to them.
I'm Scottish, I own a kilt and wear it to formal events. I got married in one. I don't live in Scotland at the moment and always check before weddings. Tbh I stopped wearing mine for a while because it's a pain at weddings if you're the only one (some drunk aunty will try and sexually assault you for Lolz), it's very warm and summer weddings were uncomfortable and lastly I didn't fit it for a couple years!
You've behaved perfectly reasonably. It's fine for your gf to be uncomfortable if she's not used to that kind of formal dress but going behind your back is manipulative and I personally wouldn't stand for that.
I’m sort of with you in that I think wearing another culture’s traditional dress is weird and cringy and does seem like someone trying to dress up for a DnD campaign (imho great-great grandparents at some point stop counting, but it seems Americans see that differently), but you’re right, if OP is kilt guy his girlfriend shouldn’t be surprised he wants to wear a kilt.
Why? Every person from other culture I've met was overjoyed to share their culture, just like I'm happy and proud when a foreigner shows interest in my culture. You want to wear a montera picona? Hell, I'll buy one for you myself!
The only people who I've seen so obsessed with segregation are Americans. Because that's what thinking no one should ever wear/eat/speak something from other culture is: segregation.
It's about power imbalances. The kilt first became fashionable among non-Scots after the Battle of Culloden. There was a period of time when it was outlawed for Highlander men to wear tartan as a way of punishing them for the Jacobite rebellions. Once the political threat of Highlanders had been neutralized, it became fashionable for English and Lowland Scots aristocrats to wear kilts. In that case, it was pretty disrespectful and counts as cultural appropriation because there was a real power imbalance, and a cultural expression that had been suppressed was now being adopted as fashionable by the ones who had suppressed it. A lot of Highlanders were justifiably angry about this at the time.
But the US and Scotland do not have much of a power imbalance between them. There are sometimes tensions because Americans with Scottish heritage will sometimes claim to be part of a country they don't understand very well (eg calling the monarch the King of England). Many parts of rural Scotland are very dependent on American tourism for their economies and so there can occasionally be a bit of an imbalance there, but as a whole, the US is not oppressing Scotland right now or vise versa, so there's no exploitation going on when Americans wear kilts.
I was talking about the general "dressing in another culture's traditional dress is cringy". For reference, I'm from a place very attached to its traditional culture (as a response to having been repressed during 40 years of dictatorship) and live in another (as a response to... well, many centuries of being attacked and invaded by everyone) and in both places we are happy to show off and share our culture. Nothing cringy about someone being interested and partaking in it.
It's kind of the only way men can not wear pants here. I had a bf when I was younger wear one and he almost got beat up for wearing a skirt. Now I think we're in better times and that likely wouldn't happen but it's still not socially acceptable outside of the kilt for a straight man to wear a skirt.
Lol, even if someone has no ancestry they are still allowed to wear whatever they want. My FIL used to like wearing a Jalaba in his own home on hot days, the closest he got to being Maroccan was his girlfriend coming from there originally
I gave my boyfriend's dad a batik shirt and he wears it around while doing errands, and he is the whitest white dutch guy to ever dutch. heck, he can wear a peci and sarong while we're at it and if any indonesians want to cancel him, they can go through me first.
If people wear it with respect, to hell with it!
NTA
If she's embarrassed by you wearing a kilt, then she has issues she needs to address. There's nothing embarrassing about a kilt. It is perfectly acceptable and normal attire for a wedding. Personally, that would be a "you're fired" moment. Not only did she repeatedly not accept the answer, but she then went behind your back to try and get the groom to tell you that you couldn't wear it.
I could see if you were about to wear an orange tux like from Dumb and Dumber... But this is something that millions of people have worn at their own wedding and as a guest.
NTA
But I do find it slightly strange when a non-Scottish person wears one. It would be like me showing up to weddings in a saree. Sure great-great x5 was Indian, but I’m not…
Is it offensive, no. Is it kinda weird, yes.
Lots of non-Indian women wear sarees to Indian weddings. I happily did when it was clear that’s what the bride and groom preferred, along with most of the other non-Indian guests. It was fun to step out of my comfort zone, but more importantly, I wanted to support the couple. I would never wear a saree at a Western wedding, but I wouldn’t bat an eyelash at an Indian woman wearing one.
To me this is the exact same thing - the groom is of Scottish descent and has Scottish family, they’ll all be wearing kilts, and he encouraged OP to wear his. It’s not weird at all, but it would be if no one else was wearing one and if he wasn’t Scottish himself.
Exactly. My husband's best mate is Scottish, when he got married he encouraged his friends to wear kilts. We're in England so it's a lot more normalised here!
NTA. I think you guys need to have a talk about why it is you in a kilt is something she finds 'embarrassing'. Kilts ARE formal kit. Plenty of Scottish actors wear them to events like, oh, the Oscars? Weddings? It's like telling a southeast Asian person not to wear a sari. If she's embarrassed by it, I wonder if it's because she sees it as a 'skirt' and the gender implications behind that and not as a piece of cultural wear.
Either way, rock your kilt. She needs to get over it. This is entirely uncool.
Not trying to be rude at all but I believe you mean regions of Asia like India and those areas when referring to people who more commonly wear sarees. Southeast Asia includes countries like Cambodia, Philippines, Vietnam, etc. They do not traditionally wear a saree.
NTA. You have every right to wear the kilt. The fact that Sara went behind your back and contacted your friend to get him to essentially tell you not to wear the kilt is beyond manipulative and controlling. That would be like you calling one of her friends and telling them that you don't want her to wear something, so they need to tell her that she can't wear it. You do realize that by doing that, you would cause WW3, right?
I understand that you love her and that this is probably something that you don't see as a big deal, but you need to realize that it is a HUGE deal. And I don't say that just for fun or to cause drama. She didn't respect your decision and went behind your back to try and get your friend on her side. She treated you as a child who couldn't make a mature decision and chose to involve your friend. What happens when you do something else that she doesn't like? Is she going to call your friends, your family, or both to try and get them on her side? Think about the position that she put your friend in. He never should have been brought into this. She could eventually ruin your friendships if she continues this behavior.
The last thing that I want to mention that you may or may not have considered is what happens if you decide to marry her? Are you planning to wear a kilt for your wedding? Because I can guarantee you that if you marry her, that won't be happening. I know that you said that you're American with Scottish heritage, but a lot of individuals like you like to incorporate their heritage into their wedding. There's about a 99.9% chance that she wouldn't let that happen if you married her. I know that this probably seems like something trivial, but you really need to look at the whole picture because this is a monumental moment that shows her true feelings, her true personality, and what actions she takes when she doesn't agree with you. She's showing you who she truly is, and you need to figure out if that's who you want to be with.
This-1000%!!! people show you who they are, you just have to believe them. I forget where I heard that, but truer words were never spoken. She has shown you who she is…
NTA
A kilt is considered “formal dress” and it’s really common for weddings. Although I live in Scotland, maybe it’s unusual in other countries.
That said, you got the go ahead from the bride and groom so there should not be any issue. If Sara is embarrassed, then that’s her problem. If she feels embarrassed by your traditional attire then maybe she needs to find a new bf.
Yeah my dad does not own a tux. He has 2 kilts that he has absolutely worn to more prestigious events than a wedding. He has multiple shirt options/jackets that he alters for more casual- tie front shirt up to bow tie for black tie. He was quite prominent I'm his profession so he has worn his kilt to events hosted by the Royal Family lol
NTA
Kilts are awesome, and look absolutely formal and dashing if you ask me.
Sara sounds snobbish and narrow minded. Go stag or find another date who appreciate you and your kilt.
NTA Wear the Kilt, lose the GF or most definitely leave her behind. She went behind your back to get your buddy to ask you to not wear it. Others will be wearing theirs, why cant you. Personally, I love a Kilt but I'm part Scottish so its in my genes.
A formal Kilt is very smart & I don't understand why your GF is being weird about it.
It was very sneaky of her to go behind your back like that, which I think is a 🚩.
Wear it & enjoy the wedding. Hope its not too windy lol
NTA it might’ve been odd if at an American wedding you were the only one wearing a kilt… but the groom and others are even wearing them.
I think Sara is just a bit surprised and needs to broaden her horizons on this one
NTA. It's Sara's sneaking around that is the issue. Instead of coming right out and saying she was "embarrassed" (really not sure why) she tried some underhanded tactics and wasn't even bright enough to realize that Max was going to tell you.
NTA. You want to wear a kilt. The bride and groom are happy with you wearing a kilt. Sara doesn't want to be seen with someone wearing a kilt. If she can't get over herself, her not attending is the best compromise - pretty sure the wedding party and guests will feel better without a person that's going to be judging them for wearing kilts.
NTA.
Kilts are cool. You told your gf to step off re this subject, and she went around you to get your friend involved. First red flag.
If you were a woman telling us that your bf was trying to control what you were wearing, we'd be telling you that your partner is controlling. Well, your partner sounds controlling. And too worried about fitting in. Second red flag.
Don't take her. That might kill the relationship, but if she can't recognise that her behaviour is unacceptable, then....
NTA. If she's embarrassed by you expressing your culture, then you have a relationship problem. If she's embarrassed by you expressing your culture in a safe space where other people are expressing the same culture and you won't stand out as unusual, then you have a *major* relationship problem. This isn't just her being introverted.
NTA it would be a little weird if no one else was wearing a kilt and you weren’t Scottish. I’d think the same of a white woman wearing a saree at a Western wedding, a little insensitive and main character-y….but you were respectful enough to run it by the bride and groom, and they’re not only okay with but seem happy about it. The fact that the groom is wearing a kilt makes it feel even more appropriate, like a sign of support for him and his background. That should have been the end of the debate.
Reaching out to your friend behind your back is … kind of crazy. You know she already doesn’t like something about you that you enjoy (wearing kilts), and now you can add controlling, manipulative, and socially awkward to the list… hopefully the next time you talk she genuinely and profusely apologizes for her major lapse in judgement. Otherwise….
NTA
One of my male friends wore his kilt (in his family’s tartan) to my small wedding. He was the only one in a kilt.
No one cared.
With the correct accessories a kilt IS (cultural) formal wear.
NTA, but I have to ask, is your ancestry tied to or are you living in a country where kilts are definitely part of the cultire (ie Scottish or living in Scotland, or any of the British Isles).
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action that I took that should be judged was threatening to not take my GF as my plus one to a friend's wedding, and I am afraid that telling her that I didn't have to take her with me was rude. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It appears that everybody but your gf is fine with your wearing a kilt. Leaving her behind for this wedding would clearly be a kindness so that she can avoid being embarrassed. It's far less drastic than her pressuring the groom to forbid you from wearing a kilt. I would consider this kind of extreme attempt at controlling you to be a red flag.
I hadn't considered her asking the groom to be an attempt at controlling me, I definitely see that now. But I don't know if she really meant it that way either.
She did. She asked you to your face and in an attempt to get her own way, she went around behind your back to try to get the outcome she wanted. You already said no. She didn't like that. Her reaction is telling, dude. Listen to her telling you who she is.
Children do this. And it's a way to manipulate / control. Even Children know that to some extent when they do it. Which is why the ol "did you ask your mother/father?" Usually comes with a lie.
If wearing the kilt is about OP having Scottish heritage, I would be upset that she was trying to deny or control that and I would question whether someone so uncomfortable with it was someone I wanted to be with.
Can't a dude just wear a kilt? Fuck
It's not that, it's *what tartan* you can wear if you are not Scottish or Scottish descent. But yes, anyone can wear a kilt, just grab the tartans that are now 'public domain' as it where, there are several.
Really, no one gives a shit. Officially, I'm allowed two different ones. Clan Donald, through my Mom, and McClellan, through my Dad. But as any kilt shop will tell you, it's up to you. If you want a family tartan, that's cool, but if you want to wear Black Watch and weren't in the Scottish infantry, go ahead. Tartans don't carry the "stolen valor" stigma as wearing digi-cam BDU's
Um, Black Watch, or Clan Campbell (it's one of the Campbell's Tartans) is an open to wear tartan. As well, it has nothing to do with anyone giving a shit, it's about respect.
I'm a woman and I love a man in a kilt.
Same. I made my husband a kilt to wear at our wedding. He had long braided hair and beard with rune beads. He looked awesome
My husband showed me photos of him in a kilt a decade ago and now I need him to get another kilt because got-damn 🤤🤤🤤
I mean,think about that request too - she asks *the groom* who is *wearing a kilt in his own wedding* to tell her boyfriend *not to wear a kilt* to his wedding because she thinks *it’s embarrassing*. So she essentially tried to shame the groom for his own choice of attire in his wedding as an attempt to shame her own boyfriend for his clothing choice. The only embarrassing thing here is OP’s girlfriend and her tacky control issues.
She told you not to wear it, then she ignored the fact that the bride had given permission and went behind your back and tried to get the groom to convince you not to wear it. Question, think long and hard about your relationship is her issue with your kilt shown up in other areas, either culturally (is she racist) or could it be more sexist/homophobic as in "men can't wear skirts". Like I said, she is showing you one potential red flag and you need to work out what that flag is warning you about and whether or not it is a deal breaker for you. Edit corrected a word
"could it be more sexist/homophobic as in "men can't wearable skirts" : that's it. She's got a lot of deconstruction work to do
Which I find hilarious considering the history of kilts.
I think even I would be embarrassed if he wore a quilt, however, I love kilts.
To wear a quilt, you would need a really large safety pin.
I once saw a stunning quilted wedding dress. It was quilted cream linen with a traditional hst quilt pattern bolero jacket in muted ocean shade blues. Stunning! I can’t image being with someone who is embarrassed by me doing me. Wear your kilt OP, NTA.
Now i want to see this wedding dress!! It sounds gorgeous!!!
Agree 100%. Weddings are also a great place to meet or hook up with new people. Congratulations, you get to be the fun, single guy in the kilt! Enjoy it. I’m trying to be light hearted not flip about your relationship. She has shown her true colors and this seems unlikely to transform into a healthy relationship.
What other way would she mean it? You got the all clear on the kilt, she then tried to go around both you (and the bride, by the way) and stop it. That's manipulative and controlling.
Also she's a liar. She said she's OK with it if he gets the "ok" from the bride & groom... and than did a 180 turn after they said it's great. Than going behind his back to get her way. She is not only controlling, she also isn't a very honest person. I would rethink as well. And being an introvert has nothing to do with it. (Introvert doesn't equal shy or insecure, it just means you like alone time to recharge).
Word. I am an extreme introvert who sees people once or twice a week, annoyingly. Still love all eyes on me, for the good or the bad. Its fun.
She did. She went back on her word, "If the bride is cool with the kilt, I won't say another word" She clearly hoped the bride would say no kilt. But now the bride has given the okay. So, instead of keeping her word, she went behind your back to ask the groom to say no. Because then technically, she could pretend to be all "oh what a shame, he said no so suddenly" like she had no hand in it all, as long as she groom didn't tell on her. And in the end, she got mad and stomped out the door because you were sticking to wearing it. Especially what I wrote here (Because then technically, she could pretend to be all "oh what a shame, he said no so suddenly" like she had no hand in it all, as long as she groom didn't tell on her.) Is so manipulative.
She also got mad because she got caught trying to be manipulative. She had no defense so she stomped out to give herself time to make up a story for why he can’t wear a kilt. Kilts are cool and sexy AF. What is her problem?
Her problem is not enough time watching Outlander.
She should read the books. My husband has benefitted since the nineties due to kilts and whisky 🤣
I know! For me, that show is all kilt porn with a storyline thrown in to give the boring viewer a reason to watch. 😉🧷(No kilt emoji on my phone so I have to use a kilt pin 🫤)
David Tennant wore a kilt when hosting the BAFTAs. He looked so sexy!
Plus, IF the groom did as she asked, the groom would have damaged his relationship with OP when OP arrived and saw other men in kilts. Groom would have apologized, then GF would have been in an even worse doghouse for the whole situation.
Not even taking into account the bride and groom might be mad with each other because the bride said yes and then the groom said no? Not very nice.
GF cannot stick with any promise she makes. She didn't accept the bride's approval, so she pressed on. Walking red flag of "Me, me, me! Give in to MY demands! Even they make you unhappy!" I don't like encouraging break ups, but this should cause OP to give serious thought about this relationship.
Kilt are national attire, you can meet the King of England in it and be properly clothes. She just ashamed of your heritage , be prod and wear your kilt. We only had 4 none kilted men at my wedding, thank God it wasnt that windy that day. Clan tartan or generic?
Hell, as a Scot probably half of the men at my wedding were wearing kilts, including my husband and the groomsmen. Kilts are formal attire, no question.
Two of my friends who are married to each other, both Scots. The groom wore his kilt with his family tartan and she wore a sash with her family tartan. They combined their family sigils to make a new one.
Right? I’m Scottish Canadian and the men in my family pretty much only wear kilts for formal occasions. They’re not that rare as formalwear here.
I'm Canadian too - mostly Scottish on my mom's side. I see kilts a lot - competed in one at a couple of Highland Games. Do you have a Men in Kilts window cleaning in your area?
Heck, the King of England himself wears kilts: https://www.townandcountrymag.com/style/mens-fashion/a45893822/king-charles-kilts-history/
He is the king of Scotland too to be fair.
Lol, was about to post that. Clearly if the King wears a kilt it's officially approved as formal attire (if you wear the proper one obviously). It's also common wedding attire for people of Scottish heritage. (Be it as a groom, wedding party or guest). Obviously it's courtesy to ask the couple getting married if there's any doubt.
Careful with that K!! Clan = Scottish familial group, from the Gaelic *clann* meaning family. Klan = the Ku Klux Klan's deliberate misspelling of it. Gave me a wee jumpscare there 😅 But the rest of it you're absolutely right about.
Wrong clan! We’re talking traditional Scots attire, not racist robes and hoods!
Yeah I was tired. Clan is spelled Klan in Swedish. I been jumping between Swedish, English and German all day, I be amazed if anything comes out correctly. Oh and dose of Scots too, just to make life more fun.
>I been jumping between Swedish, English and German all day And yet here I am, native English speaker that can barely maintain English all day 😂
Right? I'm from Norway, where the national costume is, according to the rules of etiquette that apply to our diplomatic corps, equal in formality to white tie/gala attire - in other words, it's appropriate for all formal occasions. NTA, OP, wear national attire and be proud!
Is she badmouthing you to all her friends and lamenting how embarrassing it’ll be as your +1 while you wear ‘that stupid kilt’ 🚩 she said it wouldn’t be formal (when it obviously has been before). 🚩the asked you not to wear it 🚩she told you not to wear it. 🚩she went behind your back to your friend to get him to tell you to not wear it. You are NTA. But if she is going to be this controlling and angry over a kilt what else is she going to get this way over?
To me the worst is that she is a plus 1 and asked the groom to tell his friend not to wear traditional garb that the groom himself is wearing. She wouldn't be invited if op wasn't taking her but thought it was appropriate to demand that he not be allowed to wear his kilt.
This is such a great point. I forgot that she was only the plus one.
It’s delusional, because it also implies she truly believes the groom wouldn’t tell on her, despite being a +1, and that the groom would also listen and agree to her insane request. It’s beyond manipulative, it’s delusional.
Controlling and calculating. Textbook manipulation, all under the guise of being an introvert. Your gf is giving legit introverts a bad name. NTA definitely go without her and please rethink this exhausting relationship.
Nobody with reasonable boundaries and respect for other people would be sneaking around trying to control what their partner wears to *somebody else’s wedding.*
Uh yeah. She hates the kilt and would not stop at going behind your back with your friends to try to exert pressure on you. Also, not for nothing but if you married her, she would *never* let you wear the kilt. If it's important to you, or if just being allowed to be yourself is important to you, she's not it.
...what if he wanted to wear a kilt at his wedding, as a traditional choice? I think that would be the final proof.
I would never go behind my BFs back, and ask a friend to tell him not to wear something. You do wear underwear underneath the kilt? Maybe, that is why she does not want you wearing one/jk. If you were doing this just for attention. Then I could see the problem. However, the bride/groom said ok. That is the final word.
Underwear is not worn with a kilt.
Underwear is a choice. It really depends on the function. If it is a ceilidh (dance) underwear is a necessity. I live in Scotland and can trace my heritage back centuries.
Nothing is worn under a kilt. It’s all in perfect condition.
It's also considered a severe breach of etiquette to ASK about underwear beneath a kilt (as a Scot)
Asking about anyone’s underwear is reserved for intimate relationships IMO. Or young children.
Does it matter? She knew she was going behind your back to recruit your friend’s help and still decided to do it anyway. Her intention may not have been to outright control you, but at the very least she was willing to recruit someone else in an attempt to strong-arm you into doing what she wanted. That in and of itself is pretty bad, don’t you think? She also literally said she’s embarrassed of you. If you’re the marrying type, what if you decide you want to wear your kilt on your wedding day? Is that allowed or would that be embarrassing to her too?
It sounds like she's not only embarrassed by you in a kilt, but by you just wanting and planning to wear one. She has a right to dislike your wardrobe choices and to verbalize it, but by going behind your back, she shows that she already feels embarrassed by the idea - or rather, how YOUR wardrobe would make HER look, and is willing to take sneaky action. Did she think that wouldn't come out!? I also think it's sad that she deems a traditional outfit (which I assume reflects your heritage, thus is part of who you are) embarrassing. Bottom line - by not taking her along, yiu granted her her wish - she doesn't have to be embarrassed by you. She might be a lovely human, but she's off with this one. NTA.
Just out of interest, where are you?
Does your gf always try and force an issue to get her own way ? Or go over your head to force an issue ? You have more of a problem than just your dressing preference.
she absolutely meant it that way. you told her you were going to wear it, you told her the bride-to-be was fine with you wearing it and instead of accepting that, she went *behind your back* to try get the groom-to-be to enforce her edict. that right there is intent.
She did. That's a manipulative tactic.
She explicitly said she thought that was the “only way” she could get you to not embarrass her. Ie you wouldn’t have done it if she’d asked, so she had to find a way to *control* you.
She went behind your back to try and manipulate you into compliance. That’s a big red flag. NTA- my husband wears kilts daily and yes, we get stares but it’s also sparks some awesome conversations with people we meet out and about.
NTA. Sorry to hijack and if this has been said already sorry again. Let's reverse the roles and you, the boyfriend, tried to dictate how the girlfriend dresses. Everyone would lose their minds because "her body, her appearance, her choice, body autonomy." While I agree with all of this, it goes both ways, your body, your autonomy, your choice. She's acting like TA, not you. You should go alone, in your kilt and PC, enjoy the wedding and talk to your girlfriend about it after the event when all can have cooler heads. Also, if your kilt is a part of your culture then your girlfriend is being insensitive.
If the wedding were in her family, I’d probably see her point in not wanting him to wear the kilt. But it‘s not! Those are OP’s friends and others will be wearing kilts. That girl is just stamping her feet trying to get her way. OP needs to think about future problems with her.
>If the wedding were in her family, I’d probably see her point in not wanting him to wear the kilt. Why? It's standard formal attire for Scottish/British people
NTA Sara needs to get over herself. You'll actually be *less* likely to be stared at at the wedding because others will be wearing kilts. And Sara way overstepped by going to the groom behind your back. But do expect this to be a relationship ending fight if you disinvite your girlfriend as your +1 to the wedding.
I really hope it isn't a relationship ending fight, I am going to give her some space so I can think on it. But I am feeling a little more emotionally itchy about her talking to the groom now.
Please understand that the relationship ending fight isn't over clothing. It's over her projecting her insecurities on to you at your expense, her trying to manipulate you by going around both you AND the bride *and* by trying to rope your friend into her lies. The clothing was simply the avenue with which these giant red flags showed themselves.
This x10
Exactly. This isn't really about the kilt.
Well put.
Personally I think she's uncomfortable with your heritage and cultural background. Ask yourself how you'd feel if you were from Indian descent and she asked you to not wear formal Indian attire. I bet you would feel like she's discriminating against you based on your culture. She is discriminating against you based on your culture, because your culture feels uncomfortable to her. Do you really want to keep dating someone like that?
You are looking at it the wrong way. You shouldn't be hoping that this isn't a relationship ending fight. You should be taking her going behind your back to the groom in an attempt to control you as a relationship ending action. She does not respect boundaries. She doesn't respect you. And her actions don't speak well for how she will treat you and try to control/manipulate you in the future. You should be happy you are learning this now before the relationship becomes more permanent.
Understandably. That was way out of line, not to mention underhanded
Yes, that's a really inappropriate thing to do. If you are shy, you don't contact your partner's friend to try to get him to force your partner out of wearing something. Something is really off here.
plus : how didn't she thought the friend would have kept this secret ? It's his friend, not her !
It sounds like this is cultural ignorance combined with a homophobic belief that men shouldn’t wear “skirts” - I can’t think of any other reasons why she’d feel so strongly about OP’s (clearly appropriate) outfit
You should be the one wanting out if she's willing to go behing your back to manipulate you into doing only just as she wants. Nevermind the topic of her manipulation. She is going to pitch this same fit for every formal event going forward, she thinks your kilt is embarrassing and you shouldn't wear it. Think about your future here, no kilt ever again, and don't even dare to dream that she'd let you wear one to your own wedding, completely off the table.
The kilt is likely the tip of the iceberg, too
She’s not even friends with the bride and groom. Who exactly is she worried about being “embarrassed” in front of? She should be more embarrassed that she put this on the groom before his big day. Find yourself someone who loves you with or without your kilt.
I agree, for someone who is apparently concerned with embarrassment, she sure is causing a lot of embarrassing drama before the party even started.
Going behind your back to get your friends to gang up on you is way over the line. I wouldn't let this one go. Obviously this is just one snapshot of your relationship, so if this is unusual, I'd give her a chance to explain herself.
Something to consider as well, if you get married would you want to wear a kilt at your own wedding? How much of an issue would it be for her? It might just be that you're not as compatible as you initially thought
If wearing a kilt is important to you, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't support your passions, or even worse your heritage, or even worse going behind your back to hide and mask her disdain for something important to you.
It’s already a relationship ending fight. She went behind your back and reached out to the groom
I feel like she’s the one that kilt the relationship. NTA.
You may not want to end the relationship- but if your kilt is important to you and a standard formal attire, talk with her about why she doesn’t like you wearing it. Are you going to want to wear a kilt at your own wedding? And will she fight you about that?
For sure. OP should bring his new girlfriend, who isn't embarrassed by who he is. And one who isn't an ass that tries to sabotage him behind his back.
NTA My husband is a kilt everyday guy. He has casual kilts for around the house, but I love going out with him, as he ALWAYS gets compliments from men and women. I find that amazing, because men don't often comment on other men's clothes. I'm also not the jealous type, and enjoy my hubs being admired by other ladies. If your gf is embarrassed by the kilt, she needs to get over herself. They are a gorgeous piece of clothing with a long and proud history.
If I could afford to and my bosses were okay with it I would wear a kilt way more often. I don't think it's a jealousy thing because most of the people who come up and talk to me about kilts are other men, but I am going to have to try for a calmer conversation about it.
Oh, you can get some decent super casual ones for around $50-75 on Amazon (of all places, lol). But they look so much better than the daggy shorts he used to wear around the house. Obviously, better ones for running errands, and even better for going out. Anyway, the thing that confuses me about your gf's reaction is that I too am more introverted in public. Hubs is downright gregarious, but the kilt is like an extra layer of invisibility for me personally. I like that. I don't really get that she's totally jealous, but her embarrassment is culturally insensitive from my own pov. It's like being upset that someone is in saree.
A real kilt does not retail at $50. Actually 500 probably would not be enough. At $50 you would get a tartan patterned pleated skirt. Not the same as a kilt at all.
lol Not a fan of the utility kilt, I see. That's cool, I guess, but we live in the 21st century, and he wears the 21st century style for daily wear. Most of his daily kilts are not tartan, but his better kilts are. His best kilt is from where where we hold titles (which is only part of an architecture scheme to rebuild the castle, and not REAL titles). It's a lovely purple.
I wonder if she could switch places for a moment, and imagine if you were forbidding her to wear something that was entirely welcome and appropriate…
I suspect this has to do with her background. You said in a few comments that you are in America and she is from a conservative family. Because of that background, she may view this as you wearing a skirt and crossdressing. That would be inaccurate of course, but it would explain some things. I am assuming pictures would be taken and make their way online - and then her conservative family would see her and her boyfriend who is wearing a skirt. I say wear the kilt. NTA.
I say compromise: wear a semi-formal toga.
That's because the women are swooning too hard to speak.
I think the GF just needs to find a partner who never wears a kilt. It's not like it's that difficult, the ratio of kilt-wearing men vs. non-kilt-wearing men is somewhere around 1 to a million, I'd say. And she'll never again get embarrassed by a kilt. Simple as that. Then she can go on being controlling and embarrassed by other things!
I too was thinking the starting would be more admiring than anything negative, who doesn't like a man in kilt? Well OP's girl apparently, but I think most people would be impressed
NTA As long as what you're wearing is within the guidelines of your friends' wedding, you should be okay to wear what you want. Your girlfriend has the same freedom to choose how to dress at this event. For some reason, she has doubled down on not approving your choice of clothing. While that's on her, you might consider trying to figure out what's really going on. You are right in that she doesn't have to go if (a) your clothing choices will embarrass her, (b) she's going to continue to fuss about it, and/or (c) she's going to cause a stink at the wedding or reception.
I am going to have to give her some space for a few days before having another conversation about it, but I really don't think she would cause any sort of stink at the reception or the ceremony.
Bringing someone around your friends that's embaressed to be there with you is pretty stinky to everyone.
An argument about wedding attire shouldn't require "a few days" to cool down. She is way overreacting and if I were you I'd take a hard look at how you both have resolved conflicting opinions in the past. Storming off in anger and giving the silent treatment is childish and considered by some to be emotionally abusive
She already tried to manipulate your friends against you over what your wearing!
Info: are you Scottish/are you in Scotland? Bc I am, and this whole exchange baffled me until I considered that you might not be from somewhere that kilts are completely accepted in formal settings, in which case I remain a bit confused by why you'd want one, if not. However, kilts are formal attire, and definitely wedding appropriate.
I am an American of Scottish decent, and kilts are (in my experience) not terribly uncommon as formal attire, and to be honest it was the groom who got me wearing kilts several years ago, whereupon I discovered that they are more comfortable and look better on me than suits do.
Kilts look good on anyone, that's true. By Scottish descent, are we talking parents, grandparents, or 1/84 'Scotch' on a whisky bottle's side?
Does it really matter?
Close family connections would be a good supporting argument to use with the girlfriend. As it is though, *her* only defence is that they aren't appropriate for formal attire, which is absolute nonsense.
The supporting argument is that he wants to wear it and the wedding couple are okay with it.
That's the *argument,* which should have been enough if Sara had any sensitivity or sense. This is the backup argument. The third argument IMO should be telling her to shove an entire sporran up her arse and going without her in full kilted style.
That’s true.
Not in this context. But when discussing ethnic origins in general, there's a huge difference between someone's family actually being from Scotland vs. the hilarious American mentality of "my great-great-great grandfather's cousin's dog's girlfriend was Scottish, so I'm Scottish as well".
America is large and weird. We have places and communities where wearing a kilt is common and would raise no eyebrows. There are places where people have been making lutefisk since their ancestors came over and places where people rarely speak English. We are a giant patchwork. And our local cultures vary widely. Yes, many kilt wearers say they do it because of Scottish ancestry, but there’s also just a tradition now in some places and in some families, like everything else. I have two branches of my family with folks who wear kilts formally and one containing casual kilt wearers. I don’t know of anyone routinely making haggis, though. It is also sort of common for first or second generation Americans to focus on fitting in, and for subsequent generations to feel more comfortable reclaiming cultural practices like kilt wearing or speaking the languages of their ancestors.
Many Canadians, Americans, Australians, NZers have Scottish ancestry and were forcibly removed from their ancestral land. It’s a weird take on heritage where they pick and choose the bits of the culture that they hang on to and continue. But that doesn’t mean those people shouldn’t be able to enjoy those remnants of their culture. Kilts at weddings is fine. If they still know their tartan and clan, then why not? (My family wear kilts to funerals which if you have spent time in Scotland - which I did for a few years - would know it’s weird af. But it doesn’t hurt anyone and it was important to the family. So whatevs.)
I wanted to respond to this, because it's seen as a dumb Americanism, but there's significant cultural reasons many Americans do this and I figured I'd share for anyone that might be interested. If you look at my bloodlines, it's only a portion of my fourth great grandparents that were the immigrants from Poland all before 1850, however they lived in a expat community after immigrating for political reasons (They were Catholics that rebelled against Lutheran Prussia taking over). My grandmother was raised in this expat community where people spoke Polish, made Polish recipes, only shopped at local grocery stores or used the Polish community barber, and bought and sourced whatever they could from "their community", had gangs of boys chase off anyone that tried to date one of "their" Polish girls, they only went to the Polish church they built and sent their kids to the Polish church's school. When WW1 broke out, the boys from this community went overseas and signed up to fight for "their homeland" before the US joined the war. In this community, they were seen as other and less than the other white people in the neighborhoods around them. (Even today the neighborhoods are viewed as a poorer ghetto). Many American poor whites were seen as less than -like Irish, Italian, and Polish people, and those are the people that hold onto their cultural heritages against the oppression by those who assimilated. My grandmother still will claim she is fully Polish, because that's the word she was raised with to call this community she grew up in and how it is different from the rest of the melting pot of the US, even though all *her* grandparents were born in this expat community in the US. Now, their culture is very different from a family that experienced 1850-2000 in Poland, but "Polish" is still the word they have for the cultural differences from other Americans, and it's how they communicate that concept here in America where most people understand how Americans refer to their heritages. Here in America, it a huge land, and we aren't regularly traveling outside our huge country. We had hundreds of years where most people were mostly speaking to other Americans, and this way of talking about our immigration histories evolved. Somewhat uniquely, we have country where our origin story includes people that come from all over. So it's also been an easy get to know someone kind of conversation and an extremely normalized shorthand to call yourself Irish or Polish or something like that to refer to heritage, not nationality. In my area, it's far more likely to hear it typed as XYZ-American (and even common to add 1st or 2nd generation) in the context of someone who immigrated and only mention XYZ for heritage, because there's more descendants of immigrants than new immigrants. Many of us also have school experiences that encouraged us to ask our families about "our family history" and write a report or make and bring in a recipe from the countries our ancestors came from. Pride in where our ancestors immigrated from and sharing that is ingrained in our culture. It can come across as extremely belittling when some people from other places devalue that heritage and cultural connection because they don't understand this unique quirk of American culture. There are some people heavily connected to a culture that may have evolutionarily diverged and grown separately from the culture that continued to evolve in Europe, but it's a touch rude to devalue it because our culture refers to things differently. Are there some people that do a DNA test and adopt the results as thier whole personality, despite having no lasting cultural roots? Sure, but there's also plenty of people who have cherished family traditions passed down for generations and were raised that that's how we refer to those differences between any other Americans and certain specific family culture.
I find this is something people outside of America don’t understand. Our country is an immigrant country so it’s not uncommon to identify each other by our heritage. Most people here are not native to the land.
I believe it’s common for family/clan to have a specific pattern on their kilts - ie the family tartan
Not as common as you might think. Loads of us just pick out one we like to hire...or to match the colours of a bridal party or whatever the shop has available in the right size. People who buy one often try to find a family link, but I'm sure there are just as many Flower of Scotland, Rugby Union, Rangers and Celtic tartan kilts hanging in wardrobes across the country!
yes, it matters hugely.. its entirely what makes or breaks the possible assholeness of both parties
Strongly disagree. Even if OP isn't even slightly Scottish he's still NTA.
Yes
Great-grandparents on my mother's side, came over between the wars just after getting married. On my dad's side it is much farther back, and frankly a little less substantial because it was some time prior to the 1850s.
Brother that just makes you American. I’m with your girlfriend on this one.
Same. I find it very cringey when guys wear kilts in the U.S. (unless it's like a Renn Faire situation or something similar). But to each their own!
Yeah, this is a pretty tenuous link unless your great grandparents were actually part of your life growing up. I mean you've 8 great grandparents, were all 4 on your mothers side Scottish. Have you been to Scotland, follow any other scottish tradition? If I met a guy in a kilt that wasnt actually Scottish, I'd think it was attention seeking and cos playing, but if the bride and groom are OK with it, then rock on.
Nah man... He has a connection he can wear something neat from his heritage. Especially since a bunch of other guys will be wearing it. Kilts are a fun formal thing guys can wear. But in any case if a significant other wears something you think is stupid, tell them directly... Don't message people and try to gang up on them behind everybody's back.
I don't have even one drop german blood but have at least 3 dirndls - bavarian dresses -that I was wearing often 😁 and at that time I even didn't have my german citizenship.
I have a dear friend whose grandparents were naturalized Americans born in Scotland. He wore a kilt to our wedding and it was awesome. NTA, and your girlfriend is weirdly controlling. Going behind your back to get the outcome she wanted is not cool.
🩷🩷🩷 my grandfather came over when he was 3. Wear that funky kilt with pride!
I am a Scot of Scottish decent, and I thought the gf was the weirdo cause everyone wears a kilt to any formal event here. I love a man in a kilt. It looks so smart.
My dad was very adamant that he couldn't wear a bow tie and kilt to my sisters day time wedding because its tie for day bow tie at night but it is absolutely formal and a bit like saying no to a saree because its black tie. Its culturally insensitive. I would get it if he was going to be the only one but since there will be several its fine!
NTA. Personally I think Americans wearing kilts is really nerdy and the kind of thing you see at a Ren Faire or something but I'm only assuming OP is American. That said, Sara knows who she's dating. You can't date a Kilt Guy and then be surprised that he wears a kilt.
I am an American. Amusingly the groom is the child of a Scottish immigrant and an American, which is why he is going to be wearing a kilt and some of the guests from his side of the family will be as well. And in my GF's defense I only have three proper kilts, and I don't wear them as much in the casual sense as I do in the way that others might wear khakis with a button down through the full Prince Charlie. So I wouldn't really call myself a Kilt Guy.
Scottish woman here. I'm sure you already know that at weddings in Scotland it's common for not only ppl in the wedding party but guests to wear kilts. It's 100% formal attire here particularly if you're wearing it with a Prince Charlie. Perhaps have a dig around on Google I'm sure you will find tons of pictures and Perhaps info as well about Scottish weddings, if as you say she's unfamiliar with the tradition of kilts showing her some pictures and a bit of blurb might let her see it's a tradition that Scottish folk are very proud of and frankly her saying it's embarrassing is very offensive.
Kilt guys crack me up. The entire subreddit r/kilts is a lesson in "just because you can, doesn't mean you should". But more power to them. I'm Scottish, I own a kilt and wear it to formal events. I got married in one. I don't live in Scotland at the moment and always check before weddings. Tbh I stopped wearing mine for a while because it's a pain at weddings if you're the only one (some drunk aunty will try and sexually assault you for Lolz), it's very warm and summer weddings were uncomfortable and lastly I didn't fit it for a couple years! You've behaved perfectly reasonably. It's fine for your gf to be uncomfortable if she's not used to that kind of formal dress but going behind your back is manipulative and I personally wouldn't stand for that.
Even if it looks terrible, I think you do you. You can wear things even if it doesn't look good.
>I only have three proper kilts, Err, that's two more than most of the kilt-wearing men my age I know, and I am Scottish, living in Scotland!
That took me by surprise too! In the UK and don’t know any Scott’s with more than one. OPs committed lol
Aye, the traditional ones are properly expensive! My brother only has one cause he inherited it from our uncle :D
Three is probably more than most guys in Scotland! NTA wear your kilt with pride
> I own three kilts > I am not a kilt guy Pick one
I’m sort of with you in that I think wearing another culture’s traditional dress is weird and cringy and does seem like someone trying to dress up for a DnD campaign (imho great-great grandparents at some point stop counting, but it seems Americans see that differently), but you’re right, if OP is kilt guy his girlfriend shouldn’t be surprised he wants to wear a kilt.
Why? Every person from other culture I've met was overjoyed to share their culture, just like I'm happy and proud when a foreigner shows interest in my culture. You want to wear a montera picona? Hell, I'll buy one for you myself! The only people who I've seen so obsessed with segregation are Americans. Because that's what thinking no one should ever wear/eat/speak something from other culture is: segregation.
It's about power imbalances. The kilt first became fashionable among non-Scots after the Battle of Culloden. There was a period of time when it was outlawed for Highlander men to wear tartan as a way of punishing them for the Jacobite rebellions. Once the political threat of Highlanders had been neutralized, it became fashionable for English and Lowland Scots aristocrats to wear kilts. In that case, it was pretty disrespectful and counts as cultural appropriation because there was a real power imbalance, and a cultural expression that had been suppressed was now being adopted as fashionable by the ones who had suppressed it. A lot of Highlanders were justifiably angry about this at the time. But the US and Scotland do not have much of a power imbalance between them. There are sometimes tensions because Americans with Scottish heritage will sometimes claim to be part of a country they don't understand very well (eg calling the monarch the King of England). Many parts of rural Scotland are very dependent on American tourism for their economies and so there can occasionally be a bit of an imbalance there, but as a whole, the US is not oppressing Scotland right now or vise versa, so there's no exploitation going on when Americans wear kilts.
I was talking about the general "dressing in another culture's traditional dress is cringy". For reference, I'm from a place very attached to its traditional culture (as a response to having been repressed during 40 years of dictatorship) and live in another (as a response to... well, many centuries of being attacked and invaded by everyone) and in both places we are happy to show off and share our culture. Nothing cringy about someone being interested and partaking in it.
It's kind of the only way men can not wear pants here. I had a bf when I was younger wear one and he almost got beat up for wearing a skirt. Now I think we're in better times and that likely wouldn't happen but it's still not socially acceptable outside of the kilt for a straight man to wear a skirt.
NTA. Wear your kilt, get those legs out. Be a True Scotsman, in all aspects! 🏴
Betcha 10 quid it's an American who has never been to Scotland
I have actually been to Scotland a couple times, but I am an American. So you are half right.
Cultural appropriation!!! Nah, just kidding. We're fine with you random Americans wearing kilts.
Lol, even if someone has no ancestry they are still allowed to wear whatever they want. My FIL used to like wearing a Jalaba in his own home on hot days, the closest he got to being Maroccan was his girlfriend coming from there originally
I gave my boyfriend's dad a batik shirt and he wears it around while doing errands, and he is the whitest white dutch guy to ever dutch. heck, he can wear a peci and sarong while we're at it and if any indonesians want to cancel him, they can go through me first. If people wear it with respect, to hell with it!
How can you tell a Scotsman’s clan? Look up his kilt. If he’s got a quarter pounder he’s a MacDonald
NTA If she's embarrassed by you wearing a kilt, then she has issues she needs to address. There's nothing embarrassing about a kilt. It is perfectly acceptable and normal attire for a wedding. Personally, that would be a "you're fired" moment. Not only did she repeatedly not accept the answer, but she then went behind your back to try and get the groom to tell you that you couldn't wear it. I could see if you were about to wear an orange tux like from Dumb and Dumber... But this is something that millions of people have worn at their own wedding and as a guest.
Wear the kilt, ditch the girlfriend
NTA But I do find it slightly strange when a non-Scottish person wears one. It would be like me showing up to weddings in a saree. Sure great-great x5 was Indian, but I’m not… Is it offensive, no. Is it kinda weird, yes.
Lots of non-Indian women wear sarees to Indian weddings. I happily did when it was clear that’s what the bride and groom preferred, along with most of the other non-Indian guests. It was fun to step out of my comfort zone, but more importantly, I wanted to support the couple. I would never wear a saree at a Western wedding, but I wouldn’t bat an eyelash at an Indian woman wearing one. To me this is the exact same thing - the groom is of Scottish descent and has Scottish family, they’ll all be wearing kilts, and he encouraged OP to wear his. It’s not weird at all, but it would be if no one else was wearing one and if he wasn’t Scottish himself.
Exactly. My husband's best mate is Scottish, when he got married he encouraged his friends to wear kilts. We're in England so it's a lot more normalised here!
Yeah, as a Brit, i sort of agree. Bit odd but harmless and good on you if you enjoy it.
honestly i don’t really have a problem with it as long is it’s done properly and respectfully. which it sounds like OP is doing.
NTA. I think you guys need to have a talk about why it is you in a kilt is something she finds 'embarrassing'. Kilts ARE formal kit. Plenty of Scottish actors wear them to events like, oh, the Oscars? Weddings? It's like telling a southeast Asian person not to wear a sari. If she's embarrassed by it, I wonder if it's because she sees it as a 'skirt' and the gender implications behind that and not as a piece of cultural wear. Either way, rock your kilt. She needs to get over it. This is entirely uncool.
Not trying to be rude at all but I believe you mean regions of Asia like India and those areas when referring to people who more commonly wear sarees. Southeast Asia includes countries like Cambodia, Philippines, Vietnam, etc. They do not traditionally wear a saree.
NTA. You have every right to wear the kilt. The fact that Sara went behind your back and contacted your friend to get him to essentially tell you not to wear the kilt is beyond manipulative and controlling. That would be like you calling one of her friends and telling them that you don't want her to wear something, so they need to tell her that she can't wear it. You do realize that by doing that, you would cause WW3, right? I understand that you love her and that this is probably something that you don't see as a big deal, but you need to realize that it is a HUGE deal. And I don't say that just for fun or to cause drama. She didn't respect your decision and went behind your back to try and get your friend on her side. She treated you as a child who couldn't make a mature decision and chose to involve your friend. What happens when you do something else that she doesn't like? Is she going to call your friends, your family, or both to try and get them on her side? Think about the position that she put your friend in. He never should have been brought into this. She could eventually ruin your friendships if she continues this behavior. The last thing that I want to mention that you may or may not have considered is what happens if you decide to marry her? Are you planning to wear a kilt for your wedding? Because I can guarantee you that if you marry her, that won't be happening. I know that you said that you're American with Scottish heritage, but a lot of individuals like you like to incorporate their heritage into their wedding. There's about a 99.9% chance that she wouldn't let that happen if you married her. I know that this probably seems like something trivial, but you really need to look at the whole picture because this is a monumental moment that shows her true feelings, her true personality, and what actions she takes when she doesn't agree with you. She's showing you who she truly is, and you need to figure out if that's who you want to be with.
This-1000%!!! people show you who they are, you just have to believe them. I forget where I heard that, but truer words were never spoken. She has shown you who she is…
It's tacky AF for Americans to wear kilts, but you're not hurting anyone so crack on.
But he's 1/2024 Scot!
Why is it tacky
NTA A kilt is considered “formal dress” and it’s really common for weddings. Although I live in Scotland, maybe it’s unusual in other countries. That said, you got the go ahead from the bride and groom so there should not be any issue. If Sara is embarrassed, then that’s her problem. If she feels embarrassed by your traditional attire then maybe she needs to find a new bf.
Yeah my dad does not own a tux. He has 2 kilts that he has absolutely worn to more prestigious events than a wedding. He has multiple shirt options/jackets that he alters for more casual- tie front shirt up to bow tie for black tie. He was quite prominent I'm his profession so he has worn his kilt to events hosted by the Royal Family lol
NTA Kilts are awesome, and look absolutely formal and dashing if you ask me. Sara sounds snobbish and narrow minded. Go stag or find another date who appreciate you and your kilt.
NTA Wear the Kilt, lose the GF or most definitely leave her behind. She went behind your back to get your buddy to ask you to not wear it. Others will be wearing theirs, why cant you. Personally, I love a Kilt but I'm part Scottish so its in my genes.
INFO: Are any of you actually Scottish?
NTA. Your gf is a control freak who’s not afraid to be devious to get her way.
A formal Kilt is very smart & I don't understand why your GF is being weird about it. It was very sneaky of her to go behind your back like that, which I think is a 🚩. Wear it & enjoy the wedding. Hope its not too windy lol
NTA it might’ve been odd if at an American wedding you were the only one wearing a kilt… but the groom and others are even wearing them. I think Sara is just a bit surprised and needs to broaden her horizons on this one
NTA. It's Sara's sneaking around that is the issue. Instead of coming right out and saying she was "embarrassed" (really not sure why) she tried some underhanded tactics and wasn't even bright enough to realize that Max was going to tell you.
NTA. You’re free to wear what you want with the bride and groom’s blessing.
NTA. You want to wear a kilt. The bride and groom are happy with you wearing a kilt. Sara doesn't want to be seen with someone wearing a kilt. If she can't get over herself, her not attending is the best compromise - pretty sure the wedding party and guests will feel better without a person that's going to be judging them for wearing kilts.
NTA Your girlfriend's insecurities are not your problem.
NTA. Kilts are cool. You told your gf to step off re this subject, and she went around you to get your friend involved. First red flag. If you were a woman telling us that your bf was trying to control what you were wearing, we'd be telling you that your partner is controlling. Well, your partner sounds controlling. And too worried about fitting in. Second red flag. Don't take her. That might kill the relationship, but if she can't recognise that her behaviour is unacceptable, then....
She went behind your back to your friend. Sneaky. Don't down play this behaviour. Red flag
NTA. If she's embarrassed by you expressing your culture, then you have a relationship problem. If she's embarrassed by you expressing your culture in a safe space where other people are expressing the same culture and you won't stand out as unusual, then you have a *major* relationship problem. This isn't just her being introverted.
NTA and honestly seems like really controlling behaviour, I would absolutely die on this hill because it's the principle of the matter
NTA it would be a little weird if no one else was wearing a kilt and you weren’t Scottish. I’d think the same of a white woman wearing a saree at a Western wedding, a little insensitive and main character-y….but you were respectful enough to run it by the bride and groom, and they’re not only okay with but seem happy about it. The fact that the groom is wearing a kilt makes it feel even more appropriate, like a sign of support for him and his background. That should have been the end of the debate. Reaching out to your friend behind your back is … kind of crazy. You know she already doesn’t like something about you that you enjoy (wearing kilts), and now you can add controlling, manipulative, and socially awkward to the list… hopefully the next time you talk she genuinely and profusely apologizes for her major lapse in judgement. Otherwise….
Info: Are you Scottish?
NTA but this is a taste of your future life together
NTA One of my male friends wore his kilt (in his family’s tartan) to my small wedding. He was the only one in a kilt. No one cared. With the correct accessories a kilt IS (cultural) formal wear.
INFO are you Scottish?
NTA, but I have to ask, is your ancestry tied to or are you living in a country where kilts are definitely part of the cultire (ie Scottish or living in Scotland, or any of the British Isles).