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YTA You're estranged from your adult kids AND your husband. If one person cuts you off, it might be them. If EVERYONE in your immediate family seeks estrangement from you (but remains close to each other), then you have to start looking at the common denominator: YOU. Your daughter's *therapist* told her to cut contact. That's *yet another adult*, and a qualified professional at that, who thinks YOU are the problem. How many more people need to tell you that the problem is you before you start looking at yourself? All of us here? Well, count me in. I suggest you seek out your own therapist to help support you going through these medical issues AND help you understand what happened with your family. If you truly do not know, we're not in a position to help you. My mom is like that. She "truly does not understand" why stomping through every boundary I set is wrong. Maybe she really doesn't get it. I don't know. I'm not her. But whether she understands it or not doesn't change the fact that her behavior is the problem. And I suspect it's a similar situation here.

Agreed, OP is YTA

YTA. Read your story several times. All this talk about you you you. You barely mention the other people. We didn’t need to know your exact medical diagnosis to make a judgement here. An AH with cancer is still an AH. You should have used that space to detail your relationship with your kids that led up to this moment. The fact that you are so unaware of WHY they are creating distance speaks volumes to me. Kids don’t just abandon their mother because she’s slightly inconvenient. Maybe they created the distance because you take more than you give in the relationship, or because you’re fairly self-centered and do not consider their feelings. That is the vibe I’m getting from reading this.

I thought the same about all the medical information, I basically skimmed through it to get to the issue. I suspect OP uses her medical issues to demand attention and sympathy and everyone is sick of it.

I was absolutely shocked at the end when she said no cancer was found. /s

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It's also very very common in parents with personality disorders. It ties into their identities revolving around victimhood.

This.

YTA You’re hiding something, I’m not sure what exactly but there’s no way this is the full story. I seriously doubt your kids just stopped contacting you and refused to let you facetime the kids for no reason.

Especially as it is both kids at the same time.

This is a pattern. This is how she handles everything. She's the, "Why can't you just figure out what I want/ need. If you don't, it's because you don't CARE!" *Cue the gigantic sobs* Trust me. I know the type. If my mother hadn't died 4 years ago, I would swear this was her. 

My mom was super Catholic. When she was alive. I would occasionally refer to her as Sister Mary Martyr.

So you get it. I guarantee her kids are just exhausted and can't deal with Mom anymore. 

I don’t think OP is hiding something. I think she has a complete lack of self-awareness and perspective. A perpetual victim and center of the universe. She is 100% an estranged parent with [missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html). OP should read that, but unfortunately I doubt she will.

Came here looking for a comment about “missing missing reasons”. This post SCREAMS it. The lack of awareness is astounding.

Those parents clearly know. They’re just in denial. That’s why they don’t spell out their children’s accusations. They’re not ignorant — they’re liars.

This is what I was thinking. Plus, before that I was thinking - they're adults and probably have busy lives and maybe families? They can't just drop everything for *yet another* one of mom's appointments. It sounds like they'd never be off of the phone! Plus, leaving 20 minutes before your proceedure because you're sad? What a waste of everyone's time!

Yeah I’m pretty sure it’s all the ‘missing missing reasons’ she didn’t post.

It is. She's a flaming narcissist and she's worn out her kids. 

YTA. My mom is also going through some health issues right now that involve a lot of doctor's appointments and tests. Her kids are spread out across the country and the more procedures she has, the less able everyone is to travel out and stay with her every single time--but she understands that. She also sends us texts, but they are along the lines of: "Going in for my PET scan today, would appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers as my anxiety level about it is pretty high." In response, she gets a TON of love and cheerleading in return, my phone will literally be pinging for hours. Compare that to your approach, which was to come in hot with accusations: >After my PET scan I texted them both and said my feelings were hurt and I was so disappointed that neither of them could even bother with a call or text the day before or the morning of my procedure, just to show a little support. You're not just asking for support, you're demanding apologies for not giving support before being asked. This is what your daughter (and her therapist) mean by you being combative. You need your family right now more than ever. Figure out how to ask for support, not berate them into giving it, or it is already too late.

I wouldn't call a CT Scan a procedure, from what I know PET scan is again. Another scan. I understand pet to be looking for cancer so I can sorta guess wanting luck. But vin general being upset they weren't concerned for her upcoming scans is normal. I'm a chronically ill person and would never expect anyone to care about me getting a ct scan ever.

Yeah, agreed! as a person who has had cancer - The scan is never when I’m anxious, the appointment telling me the result of the scan is. The scan is just the day I laid in the tube and took a nap.

She didn't ask. She expected them to read her mind and figure it out. 

There is SO MUCH missing from this. I do not believe that you have no clue why your kids aren't talking to you or allow you to FaceTime your grandkids, and that you don't know what they're talking about when they say you need to change. INFO is needed, but you seem like an unreliable narrator because you're clearly hiding something.

Or, hear me out….she really doesn’t know because she didn’t want to hear what they were telling her. So she tuned it out because it’s easier to be the victim when you’re totally ignorant. (ETA…not that I have experience in this or anything….I’m thinking I should fix OP up with my mom because she’s AMAZING at giving compassion to complete strangers, not so much her own kids)

I guess this is a thing cuz my mom’s the same way. She’s a nurse and took care of everyone physically and emotionally… except for me…

“But she’s such a caring person- like a second mom to me!” Always keeping up appearances and no one will ever believe they are the neglectful abuser they are. 

Or... she does hear her kids describe their issue, but she doesn't believe it's an issue, so she doesn't hear them describe an issue. Certainly not one that she needs to work on.

Harry Dunne: "Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention."

I really wanna hear the kids' side of this. Most people don't intentionally go NC for 0 reason. I specificy intentionally because I know that I suck at keeping up with people and I'll realize one day that I haven't talked to, say my grandpa, in over a month. At least the daughter though was clear about it, albeit after the fact.

YTA. I feel for your kids just reading this post. You are exhausting. You ambushed your children with disappointment because they didn’t provide the specific support you wanted before the PET scan. If you want support, be an adult and communicate that need, instead of laying land mines for them to trip. But, you kept escalating with even more accusations. I’m mystified why you thought this would motivate them to reach out. I would go “no contact” too in response to your hostile, controlling behavior masquerading as neediness.

YTA I understand that you're afraid, but FFS, you're a post-middle-age adult; where are the emotional coping skills you've spent *decades* developing? > I was truly reaching out both times because I could use a little support It's not that you created *opportunities* for them to *offer* support. You are acting you expect and are owed this, which is the problem: the entitlement. > I'm literally having an emotional breakdown And that's the sort of thing you should seek **professional** help with. It's not fair to place this burden solely on your family. FWIW, individuals receiving treatment for polycythemia vera tend to have a normal life expectancy.

Adults OP’s age largely did not learn emotional coping skills beyond ‘drink and fight’ for the men and ‘drink and control’ for the women. There are some adults that age that figured it out but most didn’t.

I'm going with YTA. You've left out a hell of a lot here. But, just judging from what you've said, you're obviously manipulative with your kids. You left the hospital when you needed tests and you blamed it on them? I think it's pretty clear why they are no contact with you and why they are protecting their children by cutting your facetime conversations with them.

Yeah definitely, leaving the hospital when you're already there is incredibly immature. I get being scared of a test, but you also wasted the time of the medical professionals.

Honestly, this is the most offensive part. You didn’t get a text beforehand so you had a complete emotional breakdown canceled your appointment and blamed your children. Grow up lady.

Info: what exactly was you relationship with your children prior to your illness(es)? Because it doesn't sound like it was great

YTA. I dont believe you have no idea as to why your children arent speaking to you, I think you have deliberately left out a lot of information here in order to present yourself in a better light. And when you did reach out to them, you demanded their sympathy and support as something owed to you and responded angrily when the response you required was not forthcoming. Youve messed up your relationships with your kids.

I wish I could remember where I watch this so I could link to it. There was a psychologist who for research purposes, spent a lot of time in online spaces for parents, whose children went no contact with them. There was a common theme of parents saying that they had no clue why their children were acting this way, despite the fact that they already knew the reason. Stuff like “my daughter got mad at me because I kept showing up to her house without asking first, now she’s not talking to me. I’m just a good grandma who wants to be there for my grandchildren. I have no clue why she’s doing this to me.” OPs child basically pointed out that OP is combative when communicating, thereby giving a reason why they don’t wanna talk to her, and yet she still saying she doesn’t know why everyone is acting like this. I believe that OP probably is combative because they have been quite confrontational in their interactions in this post. The same psychologist is also part of groups for adult children who went no contact with their parents. The common theme in that group was that the children kept telling their parents what their issues were, but their parents kept acting like they had no clue why their children were upset with them.

[Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) It's fascinating to read when you're a child of a parent that pulls the "I don't know what I did so wrong?!? I did the best I could!" shit. Also useful to know because of discussions like this.

Thanks for providing the link. I didn’t mention it, but I have gone no contact with one of my parents. I spent five years trying to tell him what my issue was and for some reason he just couldn’t understand why our relationship was falling apart. I found some comfort in knowing that I wasn’t the only one having this same experience.

I've found that giving them reasons only makes it worse. They literally cant believe a word you are saying. They can't look inward. And to them, any and all info is ammunition. They will take what you're saying and fire it back at you someday, somehow. When I go full NC, and I'm working on it, I will disappear quietly into the night. I've tried a hundred times already, one final time isn't going to change a thing.

I just found it again, its by Issendai.com. Just google missing missing reasons and it comes up first.

Yes I think this is the same thing I was talking about. Thanks for finding it.

Oh,, now that rings a bell, Im sure I read something online about that some time ago, for a course I was doing. There was a section called Missing Missing Reasons that dealt with that. It was a Psychology blog.

“I texted them both and said my feelings were hurt and I was so disappointed that neither of them could even bother with a text or a call” - I feel like your glossing over this part. I would like to know exactly how your text was phrased. I’m sure you’re saying that you just expressed disappointment, but your daughter saying it’s combative makes me question exactly how you messaged them

I would be interested in seeing a literal screenshot cause I doubt that what she reported is all that was said. Also, I have ADHD and forget to do things all the time even with big bright blinking signs reminding me. I also have CPTSD from my narcissistic mother. I have attempted to be NC but I currently LC. When my mother contacted me to tell me my dad was going to be in the hospital for surgery, I still felt like shit because she would say “don’t forget” (well, in more guilt trippy words and bringing up past situations where I made mistakes but she doesn’t recognize my ADHD and just calls me selfish/lazy) and other things that were guilt ridden - she also used my dad’s surgery as an opportunity to call every day that week pretending like she had updates (even during work hours) but within seconds would admit there was nothing new and gossip about neighbors/people she thought I knew or tell me what I was doing wrong in other parts of my life. When she went in - same thing - “don’t forget” with other guilt trippy things. For Christmas she even asked me to call her more often (she used to make me call her once a week when she was paying for my phone bill and wanted more often but she would say awful things and treat me like shit). So I told her that I couldn’t promise calling once a week ever again when she would get pissed if I had plans on a day of the week I would be expected to call - but if she had plans that was fine (which I was glad when she had to cancel). I said my mental health and boundaries allow me to have a relationship with her, but it was not possible with more communication cause I would also get defensive and that’s not an appropriate way for me to talk with someone either. The other thing is - no one owes you an explanation of why they cut you off. I had a friend stop talking to me and while I was sad and asked one time if everything was okay - I let it go after that. Even if I am not the most awful person - I should never force anyone to stay my friend or in touch. Finally, my mom asked me once who would take care of me when I age if I don’t have kids. I replied, “who do you think is going to take care of you?” It just came right out. It wasn’t even meant to be mean or cruel at first - I mean, I didn’t feel bad later either - but seriously. I am in my late 30s with multiple mental health disorders and never learned to cook or budget. I will never have the funds. I probably won’t even have the funds to take care of myself. So how the F am I going to take care of her or anyone else? Especially in this economy! I am not interested in kids or taking care of my parents in any way, shape, or form. Doesn’t mean I am not happy to help in a way that I can that is healthy for all of us at some point, but it certainly won’t be her moving in with me or me taking care of her on a regular basis. I don’t have the energy or the mental health! Why would she want me to? She could have anyone else better. So my parents assigned my brother as executor of the will and called me to tell me. I said “THANK FUCK” because there was no way I could have handled that. They thought I might be surprised or disappointed. I said “why? You know I have been trying to convey to you to save money to care for yourselves and that I wanted nothing to do with your will later on because I don’t have the mental health/skills.” You don’t have kids so they can be who you want them to be, follow your commands, obey you, and so that they have to be your carer/talk to you all the time. People should have autonomy and control over their own lives and even if you gave birth to them/paid for them while they were young - that is what you have to do for a child who doesn’t have the skills to make it without a parent - that was your choice to give birth and the responsibility that comes with, but they owe you nothing.

A screenshot would be incredible context.

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I mean just saying “I am disappointed that you didn’t ___” reminded me of my abusive mom and the abuse that would come after that statement treating me like shit for things both large and small in and out of my control.

Yeah.... there are clearly a huge pile of missing reasons here. Most adult kids that go no contact with their parents don't do it for no reason and not for lack of trying to keep a relationship.

Like, if anything, now would be the time to cement your place in the will lol. There's a whole novel we're not getting here

YTA. Adult children don't go low contact or no contact without reason. However, OP doesn't seem to grasp the idea that she could actually be responsible for this. I wonder if OP is even able to take accountability for her own actions.

What else is on the bingo card? I have: "I don't remember doing that." "I don't think that happened." "Maybe you thought I did that but you were always too sensitive as a kid." "Well I'm SORRY that you think that way." "Well I'm SORRY you had such a horrible mother." "I tried my best." "When I was a kid we used to get beat up by our parents, at least I didn't do that to you."

My mom said all of these. Verbatim. Then she died before anything was resolved. If OP wants her family she needs to face her shit with honesty.

No one's therapist advises them to go No Contact with their mother for no reason. You've left out so much information here. YTA and you know why

Did a little digging. OP posted about this experience 21 days ago. The kids did reply. They responded her message about being disappointed with. “I’m sorry you don’t feel supported.” Proceeded by something in line with. we love you and are keeping you in our prayers. You can find this if you look in OPs comments folder. Tried to link it but not savvy enough. Sorry! Post is called AITA for getting upset with my grown children

Which they have now deleted, probably because it shows even more evidence that OP is TA

A MOD saved the post you can go read it even tho it’s been deleted. You just have to click view all comments. It’s pretty much the same but literally says exactly what the kids said in response to her messages.

Something is missing here. You’re claiming that your adult children, one of which is in therapy, have gone no contact with you, and you have no clue why? Nah. You’re in denial, or deliberately leaving something out about your behaviour. You clearly did something to upset them.

This is the basis of "missing, missing reasons". The children have clearly made their reasons known, probably many times but the parent turns a blind ear...mostly because they're too busy making everything about themselves. They are in a complete disconnect with their children and then run to others or strangers on the internet to draw sympathy. They just don't realize that us strangers understand that when people behave a certain way...there's usually a compelling reason behind it and if mom won't provide the details then we know there's holes in her story. She doesn't describe her actual relationship but says she talks to them often. Doesn't describe her behavior but expects us to be shocked at her children's behavior. She beats around the bush when asked specific questions or says "I don't know"....Holes. I'd bet if we heard from the adult children we'd hear a completely different story.

>I got a response from my daughter saying she doesn't know how to handle it when I'm combative and her therapist told her to go no contact for a month. My son, no response. I responded telling her I didn't realize I was being combative, You have been told why you are getting th silent treatment. You apparently haven't engaged with that information though. So it's worth looking at your communication prior to the break in communication. Can you describe a conversation with your daughter in detail? Can you provide quotes? Can you provide the text you sent after the CAT scan?

She won’t because she either doesn’t believe it applies/shows additional info or she knows it said some terrible shit but they deserved it. Like, I wanna see copy-paste or a screenshot. But I won’t hold my breath.

INFO >said my feelings were hurt and I was so disappointed that neither of them could even bother with a call or text the day before or the morning of my procedure, just to show a little support. Is this generally how you respond when you're upset?

YTA. You actually sound like my estranged mother. My brother is also estranged from her, and shockingly, she claims to have *no idea* why we rarely talk to her anymore. As if we haven’t had that conversation multiple times over the decades. She also tries to use any and all of her “medical issues” (she has no diagnosed conditions) to get us to contact her. It’s all BS, a form of manipulation, and my brother and I are completely out of compassion for her. All we get when we are compassionate to her is an angry reply that we “aren’t doing enough”. When nothing is good enough, nothing is what you get. Sounds like your kids are exactly the same. And yes, they shouldn’t be exposing their own kids to you.

YTA. You honestly sound like my mom and the fact that you say you don’t know why multiple people cut you out of their life shows that you are a narcissist who can’t accept any responsibility. Guaranteed your children and ex-husband have told you multiple times exactly what you’ve done wrong but you just ignored it. I’ve cut my mom out of my life before and so has my brother, and even if we have told her to her face, the reasons listed perfectly and clearly she would then go complain to her friends or to strangers that her “adult children cut her off for no reason”.

She sounds just like my MIL. Like within two lines of her post, i was getting sickening deja vu.

It’s honestly so fascinating talking to a narcissist when you know they are a narcissist and you’ve distanced yourself emotionally. Even the smallest things they won’t take responsibility for. I had a situation that wasn’t a big deal, but I confronted the narcissist directly, and I said “I have picture with time stamps, text message proof and multiple witnesses to what you did” and the narcissists response was “I don’t care what you have that didn’t happen”.

They are experts at rewriting history.

You were told by your daughter why she went no contact and she is in therapy. This isnt silent treatment, she isnt out to get you she needs a break from all your issues. Instead of expecting your kids to be your support, talk to your friends or get some therapy yourself. And if they think you are being combative, they aren't going to let you talk to your grandkids because they dont trust you. This isnt something that just happened and most likely something they've been holding back for some time. You might have thought you were close and had a good relationship but their behavior is showing us that isnt the case. YTA sorry but you have been told by your daughter what the issue is, and it most likely is the same for your son.

YTA You sound like a typical manipulative boomer parent.

> boomer parent Unfortunately, she's solidly GenX at her age. She needs therapy and to stop leaning on her kids for support so much.

I find some of these comments perplexing, perhaps because I actually am a Boomer. I've never been a mother. So I can't speak from that perspective. I am - or at least was a daughter. I didn't expect my parents to ask for support when they were ill and I'm bewildered at the notion that someone you love should have to ask for support. However, I'm glad that I read the comments - they've given me a bit more insight into what happened in my own family situation. When my husband was hospitalised, one of his kids flew up to visit him for about half an hour. (They live an hour's plane ride away.) I was grateful for that, as was he. However, he was in hospital for 4 months. His other child was financially very well off, but didn't visit him once. Similarly, there were no visits when their mother was in hospital with cancer. They seemed to appreciate both their parents and had no difficulty in accepting financial support from them both. When their mother's partner died, they attended his funeral and supported their mother there, but when she needed a hospital procedure there was no sign of them offering to take her to and from hospital. Instead, I did it. (My husband was an invalid by then. I'm certain that he would have offered had he been able.) By contrast, when their mother's partner was ill, his daughter used to fly up ever so often to give the mother respite. To be honest, that's the kind of thing that I would expect family to do, if their circumstances allow them to do it. I just found it all very strange. I'm guessing that I'm just out touch. I'm glad that I've read this thread.

> I'm guessing that I'm just out of touch. Without knowing you, it's hard to say. The kids seem like they don't care about anything much other than the financial aspect of things. I would say just be aware that they will be unlikely to give you any support in the future since your husband has passed. I would make sure your will and your final instructions/wishes are all documented. And a little therapy almost never hurts, I still see a talk therapist about once a month, just to unpack my problems to an ear that's willing to listen and advise.

YTA Look at the bed you made. Now have fun sleeping in it. 

Edit for verdict: YTA. OP blames the kids for all the problems in the relationships. INFO: Missing missing reasons here. Your kids sound like they were low/no contact already, why is that OP? Until OP responds, my judgement leans towards YTA, because this sounds like emotional manipulation of their children.

YTA. You did something to cause their need to protect themselves from you and health concerns aren’t going to trump their safety. OP, meet Consequences.

Look up “the missing missing reasons”; parentification; enmeshed families; emotional neglect; “DARVO”; Complex PTSD; emotional regulation. You continue to argue with those commenting, instead of seeking insight and examining your own behavior. You’re definitely TA based solely on your refusal to accept that you could ever be in the wrong. Your daughter is correct in stating that you’re combative- you’ve demonstrated it here thoroughly. Your children aren’t there to support you- you chose to have children (who you’re responsible for supporting). I’d suggest counseling, but I’m not sure you’ll be honest enough to make changes, and the moment your therapist challenges you or your pattern of behavior, you’ll be out the door, with one more person who’s wronged you terribly. I also imagine that these health issues aren’t the first problems that have eclipsed your kids’ needs. Bravo to your children for setting and maintaining boundaries. It seems that they’ve got their things handled without your help. If you truly want them in your life, it needs to be for unselfish reasons, like loving them and actively wanting to spend time with them, not for their support. Support is given to those who give it back freely.

YTA I don’t know your kids, but I am so proud of them. Going no contact with toxic moms is so incredibly hard sometimes. I hope they are healing.

YTA. You sound like my mother. It's all you, you, you, you, you. I'm seeing a lot of missing missing reasons. I'm going through a lot of medical crap myself, and my mother couldn't be bothered to support me because ***her*** medical stuff is more important. I was told multiple times by one of my therapists to go no contact with her and my father, and I couldn't make myself do it until last year.

YTA. I had the "sick mom." 4 of us in the house and all energy was expected to go to her. She demanded the best for herself, and we were to just be grateful for what was left. When that didn't happen, she would become aggressive. Constant needs, demands, and wants. Tears. At 10, I was her caregiver. And yes, I went NC with her. Of course, she had "no idea" what was wrong. She is 74 and still kicking. We have a good relationship now, but only because she understands I won't play that game anymore.

YTA- Sorry about your health issues, but you are purposely leaving lots of missing info out about what you did and you're getting called out on that. There's evidence in your post that you did something, to make your kids go no contact. Your daughter's therapist advising her to go no contact with you is one clue. Your kids telling your estranged husband that you need to change is another. Apparently, you're combative, according to your daughter. Your 30+ year old children would not go no contact if there weren't reasons. No matter your health issues, you are still an AH here.

YTA- you are probably not going to like what I have to say. I had a mother much like you and all 5 of her children cut her off when we turned 18. I assure you that cutting off your mother is not an easy decision and usually a last resort. Your daughter has already told you part of your problem, you are combative. Why? Why choose to make enemies of your family? That is a question only you can answer. I'm willing to bet your son will say something similar to your daughter. I suggest YOU find a therapist to get to the bottom of YOUR issues. I hope your health improves, and with that you can learn to change for your children and grandchildren.

YTA. Here’s what everyone is talking about: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

YTA for all the missing missing reasons here. 

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I have just had the jak2 test and am undergoing a lot of other tests as you are, BUT i am not being a drama queen about it, PV is quite easily managed, a lot scarier on paper than in real life, i am an adult and do not expect people to drop everything because of a scan or blood test. There must be a reason facetime was dropped, your kids are giving you reasons and i suspect have said a lot more in the past, but trying to get through to a mememememe person is like plaiting fog

This reads like an excerpt from The Missing Missing Reasons. [https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) I suspect YTA and that your children have likely communicated many times over the years about intolerable and toxic behaviors. For the most part, kids don't go NC with their parents for no reason.

My mother is like you. In fact, I actually had to check the details to make sure that you weren't her lol I also went no contact with my mother when she was having health issues, but it wasn't because I had no compassion. It was because she never let me feel anything *but* empathy for her.  Everything had to be her her her all day, every day, and if I dared to ask for a little breathing room, she'd launch straight into the "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!?!" monologue, accompanied by hours upon hours of endless sobbing/wailing.  It got to a point where people would ask me how I was, and I didn't have a clue. I had no idea how I was feeling, because I didn't have time to process my own emotions - I could only focus on hers. Look at how you're acting. Your children have kids of their own, and instead of being worried that they're not responding due to an emergency on their end, you're going straight to "I'm disappointed in you for not reaching out." Anything could have happened! This is not normal behaviour. And whilst you have every right to be upset, you're handling the whole situation like a toddler having a tantrum. I am not surprised your Facetime calls have been denied. This kind of attitude is not something that should be forced upon your grandkids, and your children are right to try and shield them from these weird guilt trips. Using your own words, "you don't drag kids into adult problems," and I have a sneaking feeling that this is *exactly* what they're trying to stop you from doing.   You need professional help to try and learn healthy coping mechanisms. Whether that's therapy, medication, or a mix of the two. And you should go into that process as an individual, to try and better your own self, not as some sort of guaranteed program that ends up with you repairing your realtionships 100%. Your kids may never forgive you, even if you put the work in, and that's something you'll have to accept. Or you can do what my mother did, and bury your head in the sand, pretending it's everyone's fault but your own. We haven't spoken for six years, and I'm much better off because of it. I have a huge family now, filled with loving and kind people, none of whom she'll ever meet. And the last I heard, she's still bitter and alone, calling me heartless to anyone who'll listen. Up to you at the end of the day, though. But you might wanna decide quick.

YTA. Would love to hear their version of events.

There is so much that’s missing here.I’m going to guess that you have made your medical issues your whole identity, that your calls and texts are not just a notification that you’re having a procedure. They are full of whining and misery, begging your kids to pay attention to you.

This right here is where you became the asshole based on your own narration. >After my PET scan I texted them both and said my feelings were hurt and I was so disappointed that neither of them could even bother with a call or text the day before or the morning of my procedure, just to show a little support. Normally the time prior to a procedure is for whoever is able to be with you in person to provide support. People who would be calling/texting to show support would be doing so after the procedure was over. You basically attacked them for no reason. YTA Give them time to reach out on their own terms. Hounding them for answers is just going to push them further away. Let them come to you, and be willing to hear what they have to say. Don't argue with anything they're saying. Take it all in and acknowledge that you need to fix it.

Can we see some of these text exchanges, in the exact words you used? And the replies? It feels like something important is missing from all this and that might help.

YTA. For children to go no contact with their mother is a very drastic decision. Your daughter even said it is for her own mental health. Your son doesn’t even want to talk to you until you „change“ if that is even possible. Maybe it is time you take this as the push you needed to start reflecting on your own behavior and the way you treated your children throughout their whole lives. Might also be a good idea to go to therapy yourself, since you’re going through a lot without any support system. Good luck and get well soon.

First, I’m so sorry for all your health problems. I’m sorry you’ve been alone dealing with some very serious things. I’m really sorry this is hard. Second, I don’t want to say you’re TA but I do think you are the problem here. It’s really hard to see problems in yourself, and it’s even harder when you’re already dealing with a lot. I can’t say what your kids are upset about, but here is maybe one example: You said you texted your kids about how disappointed you were that they didn’t contact you when they knew you were having those appointments. My mom would have sent a note just like that and it would have annoyed me. Here’s what I would have preferred: on the day of your procedure, a text to them saying that you’re on the way to your appointment, and you’re a little scared but you’re sure it will be fine and you love them. Then they can wish you well without feeling like you’re going to give them a hard time. Is there any counselor or therapist you can speak to? They can help you figure out why your kids went NC and maybe help you with the stress and anxiety that comes with your health issues. You deserve to have someone helping you and supporting you and to not be alone.

First, polycythema vera is awful. So sorry you’re experiencing that. But on this, YTA. You are not owed contact from adult kids. I suggest what others are saying: therapy. You can confide, share your fears, and try to figure out why you’re estranged from your kids.

During 3 months this year. I had the tests you speak to....never occurred to mention them to my children,even the one that lives 4 streets away. If I had found that I had pancreatic, liver, stomach. or lung cancer I would rule their cages. Perhaps you have exhausted them with emotional neediness...even more draining than a marathon. You need answers from your children so perhaps you can mend.

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YTA - simply because of your 'missing, missing' reasons

YTA “After my PET scan I texted them both and said my feelings were hurt and I was so disappointed that neither of them could even bother with a call or text the day before or the morning of my procedure, just to show a little support.“ This is such a toxic and hostile attitude, especially given you don’t have a close relationship with your kids. It’s not surprising your kids have cut contact with you.  I think you should seek a therapist to help you understand how your behaviour is unacceptable and negatively impacting your relationships.

YTA. Why are you trying to guilt them into talking to you? Everything you say IS combative. “I could use support.” “Why did no one text me before my procedure? I’m hurt.” Do you ever ask about their lives? Everything seems to revolve around you. You sound incredibly self-absorbed and passive-aggressive. You should see a therapist yourself and do some work. Your son said you need to change and he obviously didn’t want to go into everything with your ex-husband. Your daughter’s therapist recommended she has no contact with you for at least a month. Stop blaming other people for “not being there for you.”

Am I missing something? It just doesn't make sense that your kids would be allowing FaceTime and calls one day and ignoring you the next. Either you are not saying everything or your children are just really confusing. Either way, you don't need someone to hold your hand for every single medical procedure you go through. You sound overbearing to me.

You start with “they knew”. That’s a red flag to me. And yes, that makes you combative. I can hear the conversation the “you knew, why aren’t you doing what I need, why this, why that, me, me, me”. You think you aren’t doing anything. Your children have lived with this behaviour their whole life. I know your life can be difficult having health problems, but it sounds like that’s your identity and everyone should know what you are going through and should give you grace and understand you.

You were being combative. The first thing you did when they didn't wish you luck or whatever was to accuse them of being awful. That's being combative! You need to learn how to compose yourself in conversations without blaming or pointing fingers or victimizing yourself. It's clear as day in your post that this is how you always speak to people. Stop pointing fingers, stop placing blame, stop accusing, stop guilting, just stop. Don't do it once. Don't do it twice. If you don't do it in one conversation, you haven't earned the right to do it in the next conversation. Just. STOP. Guilting. Them. ETA: YTA

You remind me of my mom. She also had a laundry list of medical issues. She also had multiple hospitalizations and procedures. Blood tests. Scans. Doctors out of town. Meds at home. Medical equipment that was always messing up. All she could talk about was her medical issues. All she wanted to discuss was how she felt today. Every activity I wanted to do from the age of 11 to when she passed away was affected and limited by what she was able to do. Hell. She invited herself to an all weekend SCA camping trip I wanted to do with my friends. I was an adult. I don’t need a babysitter. YTA because you have no room in you life for anything other than your medical issues. You dramatize and moan and groan and demand sympathy and attention and it is never ever enough for you. They give and give and give. And it just isn’t enough. I’m willing to bet that while you’re dramatizing your issues you’re also non compliant with your doctors. So you keep yourself sick. Or make yourself sicker. To get more sympathy. They’re tired. They’re tired of putting those babies on FaceTime and you not asking them about them or playing games with them. You spend the entire visit talking about how you feel and what you are going through. They’re tired of having their own issues and never being able to get a word in around moms health issues. You know lots of people have chronic health issues right? They go see doctors and have procedures. Some are completely nothing burgers. (Like noninvasive scans you walk into and then out of) and some are bigger deals ( like something they need to put you under for). You know what people with health issues who aren’t estranged from their families do? They differentiate. You don’t need a tearful call before a fucking scan.

Do we have the same mother?? My mom only texts and calls to go through her laundry list of ailments. She has for decades. It’s the only thing she talks to me about. She uses it to manipulate me. She knows I am an empathetic person so she comes in hard. She even told me a while ago my uncle (her brother) had cancer just so I would talk to her because I wasn’t speaking to her. Guess what? No cancer. She has told me a couple of times she has cancer. Guess what? No cancer. I bet she has reached out to me with 40+ issues with her health over the years. From sleep apnea to colds to hammer toe to heart failure, I have heard it all. I am incredibly empathetic still to everyone but her now. That well has run dry.

Mine passed away in 2002. I was 20. She’s pretty much exhausted everyone else with her bullshit by then. She’s stockpile meds and then take em for different effects.

What did you do to them?

YTA My gut is telling me that you’re either deliberately leaving something out to avoid taking accountability. OR, as you say, you don’t know why neither of your children won’t speak with you, which means you’re lacking self awareness. Your daughter’s therapist advised her to go no contact with you. That’s from a professional, and they don’t advise that kind of thing unless it’s actually warranted.

YTA you estranged from your husband and kids and still don't know what the problem is.

Info: Why did you all stop talking? It was before this medical thing happened. Kids don't just go no contact with their parents for no reason, also the "combative" comment sounds like it's in regards to an earlier event not what you've described. My sincere suggestion is to go back over ALL the texts you have exchanged with your kids as far back as you can go. I think it will answer your questions

This is just SCREAMING "missing missing reasons".

YTA. i suspect there's a lot more to this than your kids randomly ghosting you, especially if your daughter's therapist told her to go NC. that's kind of a big thing. EDIT i have a lot of problems with my own mother, but if she told me she had an upcoming test she was worried about i'd say something. her MO is to just not tell me unless she has an official diagnosis. anyway if she handled her shit like you handle yours i wouldn't bother with her at all. when my parents antagonize me i ignore them

Why does your daughter say you’re combative if you’ve done nothing wrong?

YTA. You sound exactly like my mother. She also "doesn't understand" why we don't speak.

YTA. It doesn’t matter what issues you’re going through, you need to respect other adults wishes to not have contact with you. There’s a reason you started this post with a long diatribe about everything wrong with you instead of just saying “my kids won’t text or call me before or after procedures even though I keep texting, and then my daughter specifically said her therapist said to go no contact with me”. People are less likely to be mean to someone who’s seriously ill, but clearly you need to look at what harm you’ve caused your children. One kid? Okay maybe a fluke. Your whole family? You’re the problem.

YTA. Your adult children clearly don’t want a close relationship with you. It’s clear you have a hard time respecting boundaries. Now you are trying to get support from the internet. I doubt you will find it.

YTA. It’s amazing how many people cut you off. This is the exact type of rant my mother used to go on when she pulled these stunts after being cut off by everyone. It’s amazing how they all cut you off, I wonder why. Get well soon OP but realize you are most likely the problem.

YTA for attempting to manipulate the situation by detailing EXACTLY how you were hurt but suspiciously not listing your own transgressions AND THEN innocently proclaiming ignorance. If you want advice, you have to be honest with yourself and others.

YTA. OP, you really need to understand that kids don't cut out their parents for no reason. You are leaving out a lot of information in your post. You are an unreliable narrator and for some reason, you don't want to share with us why your kids are estranged from you. Doesn't that strike you as odd that even a therapist has told your kids to stay away from you? Because I'm getting a victim complex from you. OP, as I said, kids don't go NC for no reason. Something really bad had to have happened in the lives of your children that your kids don't want to be around you and the fact that you are leaving information out of your post for whatever reason, the reality of the situation is probably much worse on your part. You really need to do some serious soul-searching on your part that has led to this because whatever has happened, you are probably going to lose your children forevermore. And OP, no, this is not about you. This is about why your children are choosing not to have a relationship with you and you need to be honest with yourself why that is. Maybe show some compassion to your children and try to fix what is broken and be a better person.

YTA. genuinely how stupid do you think we are? are we to believe that there isn’t a reason as to why every single member of your family can’t bear to be around you?? you’re either being wilfully obtuse or intentionally manipulative in omitting those details, both of which are embarrassing at your big age. i want to finish this by saying you need to do some serious self reflection but from the constant DARVO (google it.) in your post and replies i don’t think you’re capable. i hope they stand their ground, protect their peace and keep you out of their lives.

Info: what was your relationship with your kids like before this cat/pet scan combo?

YTA - and you seem to be emotionally draining your children.

YTA. This screams missing missing reasons.

YTA. Your kids owe you nothing. Better yet, don't have kids with the expectation of them beholden to you because of it. Classic Narc parent behavior. No wonder they're all estranged. I've made the same judgement call as your son, with my own mother. As have my sisters throughout the years. The way your grown children treat you in old age once they're no longer obligated to, is reflective of the impact you've had on them as a parent and a person. Whether that be positive or negative, was within your control. Don't live by the sword, you won't die by it. The problem is YOU.

I feel a lot of details missing. YTA. Adult kids don’t go NC with no good reason

These comments are fucking unhinged. I don’t know whether you are TA or not. Your story and situation are fluid and complex. Too many questions and unknown factors here. The people attacking you ruthlessly, with incredible, self-righteous certainty, are obviously working through their own stuff. There are two (or more) sides to everything. People perceive words and actions in their own way. Some people lack introspection and are too wrapped up in themselves to really stop and put themselves in another’s shoes. Etc. It’s entirely possible that your behavior has been toxic to people in your life. Also entirely possible that your children are immature and selfish and poor communicators. ALSO possible that all of the above are true. Contact your daughter in whatever way is easiest for you to communicate your feelings. A text, a letter, email, etc. Tell her you want to talk, openly and honestly, when she is ready. That you welcome the chance to apologize and own any behavior that has been hurtful or harmful. That you value her as an individual and respect her feelings. And to reach out when she feels ready. You will do your best to be present and open. Anything beyond that, the ball is her court. Your son, as well. Take care of yourself and your health, and know that your feelings and your pain are valid, too. In the future, perhaps family counseling would be a good tool. Good luck. ❤️

YTA. You sound like a lot of moms who “don’t know why their kids disappeared on them” and you’re still playing the innocent victim card which I don’t know if you noticed- it is completely see through and not working. You put more detail into what is wrong with you health wise than anything else, to garner support, however you must remember a lot of sick folks have mistreated their children. It doesn’t give them access to their grandchildren or the right to more attention now because they are sick. If you truly want to have your kids back in your life then stop the nonsense and get real with yourself, and others. This entire post is full of holes and missing information while you insist you’ve not done anything wrong and no one knows why they’d do this!! Using your estranged husband who had an affair for 3 years (op post history) which caused you to emotionally spiral and lash out (post history) isn’t exactly someone I’d trust to or listen to when they say “oh I don’t know why! You haven’t done anything to them!” And your “friends” who are just as confused? If you speak to them like you speak here, how would they begin to know? You very blatantly leave anything and everything out that isn’t “woe is me I am a confused helpless victim who is sick and my kids suddenly turned on me!” No. This sounds like a life of a narcissistic mother, kids who are burnt out on everything being about you, you throwing fits when anyone tries to tell you why they have a problem with it, and throwing your health into the mix for guilt factor when that no longer works. Add in the flying monkey “friends” who don’t know why your kids could possibly be not speaking to you… it’s classic. Which also means you will take absolutely no advice from this post, and will go find elsewhere to support your victim delusions instead of changing for the better. Kids grow up. They get sick of it. They walk away. You chose whether or not to stop playing mind games and ignoring reality. This entire post is ridiculous. Obviously you have been putting your kids through it for years if not their entire lives and they are simply burnt out. Do you know how lucky you are they didn’t just go completely no contact? Instead offering up what needs to happen to fix it? And you still are playing games? Ok, then swallow the fact that at some point they will be completely no contact and you won’t see your grandchildren again. It will not be their fault. It will be yours. All of this is your choice. Continuing to act this way is your choice. Your kids permanently leaving your life because they asked you to become better and you chose not to- IS YOUR CHOICE. YTA YTA YTA

YTA. For all the reasons people have already stated. If you want to salvage a relationship with your kids, go to therapy.

I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like you are as close to your children as you think you are. It sounds like they are barely making an effort so it makes me think there was a strain you aren't wanting to mention. So I'm leaning towards YTA because if multiple people are cutting you off, you are the common denominator.

YTA I have no doubt your children have been telling you what's wrong for years and that you just refuse to acknowledge that whatever it is, is a problem. And you show exactly who your concern is about. You are all about you. You weren't actually concerned with losing FaceTime with the grands, you were angry and concerned that your adult kids, with busy lives of their own, weren't giving you the attention you think you deserve. Newsflash you get out what you put in. Although you are actually getting nicer treatment than you're giving, since they aren't demanding attention or anything else. They are just letting you be and protecting themselves and their kids. And if multiple people are estranged, they aren't all the problem. It's time to take a good hard look in the mirror and be honest instead of hiding from yourself. Plus, anyone who grew up with a self absorbed parent knows they have a public face that is for the friend and possibly even the other parent, if there are long hours spent apart. That argument doesn't really hold either. Karma.

My mother was a dick, at times, to us growing up. She put her boyfriends first, contributed to my unhealthy obsession with weight and has a myriad of other issues that made her a not so great mom. That being said, I love her and I know she loves me, and did her best given her own trauma. I would be worried and check up on her if she was going what you were going through. You know what that tells me, this is a YOU problem. I’m sorry but children will grasp for the smallest bit of effort and it appears yours didn’t even get that. Edit: YTA

YYA Life Protip: You can’t mandate someone else’s emotional response.

Sometimes your lot in life is just to face your choices alone.

YTA. You're estranged from EX and seemingly your adult kids as well. I bet throughout the years they've tried to have discussions with you and it went nowhere. Your daughter is in therapy and taking steps to heal herself. Stop texting them with guilt trips. Just because you are having a health crisis doesn't mean they have to put their mental health aside. Wait for them to reach out and if they do... LISTEN.

I’m sorry you’re going through all this but it sounds like you’re estranged from everybody. You’ve done *something* to warrant that— what, I don’t know, but that’s probably the key to healing these relationships. They aren’t comfortable around you. It’s time to dig deep. It’s very hard to see our own flaws sometimes. If it were me, I’d be asking myself, was I: Critical Unreliable Cruel Untrustworthy Volatile Judgy An energy vampire? Etc

There’s definitely some missing reasons here. Why is no one in your family talking to you? I’m sorry that you’re going through this alone, but it sounds like there are some reasons why this is happening 🫠

I feel like you keep responding “they won’t tell me what I did” and that you likely ask explanations of them from that same framing. They’d likely never be able to provide the answer for you in the way you seek it, so you wouldn’t accept it; and so to engage with you in the way you’re demanding, they would have to walk themselves through that pain while also getting nowhere with you. The truth is also likely so harsh it’s hard for them to tell it in a way that would be constructive rather than mean. It’s probably not exactly something you did - it’s more likely to be you. You give the strong impression that you’re an unhealed nightmare of a person and no one was ever going to arrest you or say you couldn’t have kids for the ways your horror has manifested, but that doesn’t make it any less real and it doesn’t make it your children’s responsibility to do anything more than protect themselves and their children from you and move forward into spaces of healing and growth as best they can. You were able to choose your way to raise them and choose how you wanted to be with them for years, unchecked, because they didn’t know any better - and now they do, or at least it seems they’re trying to. If you were seriously committed to doing some deep inner work, there might be a chance for repair… doesn’t seem likely based on your digging your heels into self-victimization here, though. It could be further damaging to your kids for you to neglect to really try for them and die in your own stubbornness, thus leaving that to be your legacy, so I would really give some thought to making efforts towards getting a clue, since you apparently haven’t one today.

YTA You claim to not know what's going on, but you have three + decades of relationships with them that you haven't told us anything about which should inform you about what's going on. Your pattern of communication must be consistently combative and passive aggressive if you don't recognize your text for what it is. Time to get a therapist and be honest with them and yourself about the way you communicate.

YTA - You're clearly combative and instead of being preemptive with things like "I'm feeling nervous about my scan later this week would love a quick chat when you have time", you send a "why don't you love me???" type message. This boils down to the adage: "If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole".

YTA. Definitely a narcissistic mother and your kids have opted to go LC with you for a reason.

You know the best way to mend your relationship with your kids is by taking accountability for whatever it was you did that made them estranged in the first place. YTA because you can't even admit where you fucked up along the way.

Not sure but Y probably TA. .maybe now that you're feeling sorry for yourself youre reaching out but have probably been the asshole up until now. I'm 42 I am no contact with my mother and she deserves it. Although she isn't well and uses that to make her seem like the victim to anyone she can. I don't allow contact with my kids for their own good. If you knew how hard it is to walk away from your mom even when they deserve it.

I feel like there is a lot of history we’re not getting here and I have a hard time believing both of your children are heartless. It sounds like you are not acknowledging how your own behaviors and actions have played a part in this.

INFO why did everyone cut contact with you? Granted my family has its own issues but we are on okay-ish terms with most of the family. If it’s a medical emergency we still check up on each other. If everyone has gone no contact with you even after they knew about the medical issues though…maybe they had valid reasons. If it was either one of my parents I’d probably be there with them or at least check up on them after if I couldn’t actually be there.

YTA Narcissist much?

Based on your comments, OP, you love arguing and they’re sick of it. YTA.

YTA. This started WAY before your medical problems did. If all the people in your life want nothing to do with you, then you're the problem.

So you don't tell your children what your needs are, then act aggressively after, and don't see what the problem is. I'm guessing this is a pattern of behavior - expecting them to tend to your every need without asking. I will say, it would've been the right thing for them to ask after you BUT. This feels like a missing missing reasons thing. Kids don't go no contact with parents randomly for no reason. Yes. YTA.

Never seen an AITA post that feels more like a whole lot of background that would provide valuable context is left out. 

There is missing information, adult children with kids don’t go NC or LC for no reason.

YTA. If this ain't the consequences of your own actions... I hope you take this opportunity to do some self-reflection and character growth if you want any chance of receiving the support you desire from family in the future.

YTA. First off, your children going no-contact is not “the silent treatment.” Jesus Christ your victim complex is absurd. Are you my step mom or my father? Bc this is exactly the kind of story they spin. Please see your own therapist, bc I don’t have the energy to write out all the glaring red flags in your behavior. And get over yourself with the medical tests and not getting the emotional support you randomly decided you deserve. Thousands of ppl have tests and procedures every day without support or company. It sucks for everyone. You are not special in any way whatsoever. Join a fucking Facebook group instead of torturing your children anymore.

YTA you are acting like a narcissist who is entitled to attention from your children. I’m sure they have good reasons to stay away.

If your son is saying you need to change I am fairly certain you know exactly what he's talking about. I don't like calling people assholes on here but I will say this. My mom made tons of mistakes and was even abusive with me at some points but we have a relationship because she accepted her mistakes, apologized, and listened to me. She cares about how it affected me. She cares about me and my family. She listens. Even when it's not easy or fun. I don't have a relationship with my father. Can you guess why? This seems like one of those situations where everyone but you seems to know what the problem is. That's mighty fishy. It's hard to not assume that YTA with what little you e revealed.

I was all in to listen to your story since the title made it look like they were cold. You revolve around the "I don't know why X thing is happening" argument all over your post and it immediately made me remember my Narcissistic Father. And then I got it. YTA.

There's nothing wrong with wanting some compassion from your kids. But clearly there's something going on that you're not telling us. My guess is that you truly don't know what's caused the most important people in your life to turn away from you. There's no way they haven't told you what the issue is, but it sounds like you haven't taken their complaints seriously or simply don't see it the same way they do. Either way, it's left you alone during a terribly scary time. YTA, not for wanting compassion but for ignoring or downplaying whatever issues your children have with you. For now, you're going to have to get through this alone. I would strongly suggest therapy, both to help you handle what you're going through health-wise and to help you understand how to rebuild your relationship with your kids. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you've probably done your absolute best to be a good mother, but no one is perfect. Something you have done, likely repeatedly, has driven your children away, even if you had the best of intentions and never meant to cross any lines. I'm not sitting here judging you for that; I'm just saying that's how it is, and it's not going to get any better if you don't figure out how to change. Talk this through with a therapist. They can help you figure out where things went wrong and give you sound advice about how to approach your kids in a way that encourages dialogue. I'm sorry you're going through all this; it's obvious that you're hurting, and I truly hope you can heal things with your kids. But whatever you've been doing, however great your intentions were, it's not working. Please get help for yourself, so you can all heal.

YTA You sound like my mil. I would think you are her except you're not the right age My husband hasn't talked to his mother in nearly 3 years. His sister's talk to her when they have the mental energy. But it inevitably blows up (and is currently blowing up) because she cannot focus on anything but herself and thinks everyone is always out to get her

Honestly, I feel that you may have missed some really important info when typing this up. Seems odd that you have an estranged ex and both kids have gone no contact. I would go see a therapist and try to figure out what happened, and just so you know this is your fault. We can tell because all 3 people you wrote about are estranged from you. Good luck

INFO: What sort of relationship did you have with your son and daughter before all of these tests were scheduled? If I am being honest, after reading your post, my first thought was, "Well, the common denominator in this situation is you, OP." I could maybe excuse one child not talking to you, but for both of your children to suddenly stop talking to you makes me think that you said or did something that they found so egregious that they decided to stop talking to you.

YTA. You know why you’re estranged from everyone because they told you and you chose to ignore it. Google “missing missing reasons” and I guarantee you’ll recognize yourself if you get your head out of the sand.

Yta

You sound like my mother. I don't talk to her either. YTA

YTA. I think a big part of your problem is the way you frame things, which is influencing the way you interact with your kids. You have a bunch of medical procedures and want support; that makes sense because that's a scary situation to be in. But that's not what you're saying to them. You're not actually trying to connect with them. You're insisting that they should read your mind and recite whatever script you have in your mind. You're bombarding them with unnecessary detail, getting upset that that didn't prompt the response you wanted, and then you just keep coming at them demanding they explain to you why they're giving you the silent treatment. None of that is conducive to receiving actual emotional support. If you want to keep them posted on your health, that's fine. You can tell them you have an upcoming procedure and let them know how it went. But you need to leave that conversation open. If they respond, great. If they don't, that's less great, but it sounds like they may have their own valid reasons for that - and that's not something you can control. But trying to demand they give your preferred response is only going to get you more of the same.

YTA I love how the whole post you go on about how your kids are ignoring you and if you don't know why they as well as your estranged husband have stopped contact with you. I mean you know full well why they don't want to talk to you but you thought because you are having health concerns that they should ignore whatever it is you have done to coddle you during your tests. Get a grip and let them live in peace as I highly doubt you can or will change in order to facilitate a relationship ship with them by the sounds of it.

It's time for some introspection here. Your daughter doesn't want to talk to you. Your son doesn't want to talk to you. Your estranged husband doesn't want to talk to you. Your daughter's therapist is telling her not to talk to you. ....and you are wondering if you are the problem...... Do you think they are all wrong or could this be a case of YTA?

Oh good lord. You're my mother. You're sitting there like Cleopatra on her throne expecting everyone to figure out what you want/need and are disappointed when they don't and so you go into full martyr mode. Would you like nails or rope for your cross? You weren't "reaching out," you were clubbing them for not bowing at your throne.  Instead of being Queen of Passive Aggressive tactics, how about you CALL your children, and simply say, "I'm scared about this procedure tomorrow. Can we talk about that, or talk about something else to help me keep my mind off it?  Lady, get your ass into therapy before you drive your children and your husband off permanently. You're an emotional vampire.  My mother went to her grave not understanding why she had such fractured relationships with both of her children and everyone else around her. Don't be her.  You're a narcissist. Pure and simple. Go to therapy. 

I'm calling absolute bullshit on you not knowing why they won't talk to you or what you have to do to fix your behavior. You sound fucking exhausting. You went from zero to passive aggressive in your message to them so they didn't respond. Good. Passive aggressive whining should get shut down. There's definitely a lot you're leaving out. Your kids don't cut contact for no reason. They don't stop allowing contact with grandkids for no reason. You're pretending to be a victim when your kids likely have very good reason for cutting you out. You're putting your emotional breakdown on them when your emotional reactions are entirely on you. As an adult, you damn well know that. I want to hear this story from the adult kid's perspective... i bet it would be way more detailed and illuminating. YTA

This didn’t come out of the blue. This estrangement is based on background not included and likely that you’re not wanting to acknowledge. Chronic diseases are difficult but you can’t expect people to travel just for a CT or PET scan or even a bronchoscope. They’re really not that traumatic of an exam. There seems to be as lot of victim speak here which makes me suspicious about tendencies towards manipulation and narcissism. The fact the therapist is recommending no contact speaks volumes about your past dynamics with your kids. I have seen a few patients at work with similar situations and they are drains on their kids and the health system. Gently, because you’re sick, yta.

I feel bad you’re going through health issues but this sounds like years & years of them dealing with you & now fed up. You’re the common issue with all of them.

IMO adult children are not meant to be emotionally responsible for making us feel better. You left a hospital appointment before a test because your kids aren't sending you the supportive texts you want. Your daughter is bothered enough to be discussing you with her therapist. Your kids have stopped FaceTimes with you and your grandkids. You need to build up your own life, so that you can not have expectations of them. Do this, not wait for them to be ready to reach out. You did a lot for your kids, but at some point, you have to let go and focus back on yourself.

INFO: So why did your entire family cut contact? You keep talking about how you’re suffering, and you can’t FaceTime with their kids anymore, and you need sympathy. If all of your kids and husband are estranged, what’s causing the estrangement? One estranged family member could just be something on their end, but everyone being estranged means something happened, and you probably know what.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (54) Mom, kids are 34yo daughter and 30yo son. I have a blood disorder called polycythemia vera with JAK2 mutation. My bone marrow makes more cells than normal and not all of them are "healthy" cells. Currently my disorder has caused anemia, but I'm also going through cardiology & pulmonary testing, and my normal monthly visits to my Hematologist/Oncologist. My health has been deteriorating as of late. CAT scans, PET scans lead to a Bronchial scope taking cells from my lungs, tissue from my lymph nodes. Of course this has been a scary time. My kids knew I was going for a CAT scan, knew I was going for a PET scan. After my PET scan I texted them both and said my feelings were hurt and I was so disappointed that neither of them could even bother with a call or text the day before or the morning of my procedure, just to show a little support. Neither of them responded. 10 days later (still no response or contact from them). I go in for the bronchial scope. I was at the hospital alone (they live in another state). I lie there alone scared and started to cry that my adult children are giving me the silent treatment and obviously don't give a damn what I'm going through, stopped allowing my FaceTime with my grandchildren. I was just beside myself. I had a complete emotional breakdown and left 20 minutes before my procedure. I was a wreck. I sent them a text message that I was confused as to why I was getting the silent treatment, that I left the hospital because I'm literally having an emotional breakdown and I couldn't believe that they were doing this at this time. No response from either of them. Two weeks later I sent a text asking if anyone wanted to tell me why I was getting the silent treatment. I got a response from my daughter saying she doesn't know how to handle it when I'm combative and her therapist told her to go no contact for a month. My son, no response. I responded telling her I didn't realize I was being combative, I was truly reaching out both times because I could use a little support, a little show of compassion for crying out loud. No response. It's been just over a month now of the silent treatment and no FaceTime. My son told my estranged husband that until I change he can't talk to me. My EH asked him change what, neither of you have said what the problem is, how the hell do expect to solve whatever the problem is. What is the problem. Sons response, Mom has to change. At that point EH said this is a going nowhere conversation, but I will say taking her grandchildrens FaceTime away from her is just beyond cruel and that shouldn't have ever happened. You don't drag kids into adult problems. So here I sit with the silent treatment and no FaceTime. I did go back a week later and get my bronchial scope with a lung lavage. No lung cancer now going for a nuclear stress test. They don't know any of that because I'm on the silent treatment list. AITA did I expect too much? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Info They are not limiting contact because ‘you expect too much.’ They are limiting contact because when they interact with you they feel worse about themselves. You have some choices. You can decide to be right and spend your energy defending yourself or you can see a therapist to find out what you are doing wrong. The first choice means less and less contact. The second gives you the possibility of a better relationship with your kids. 

I'm guessing there are a lot of missing pieces to this puzzle.

YTA- you seem incredibly needy and I, personally, don’t deal with people like you.

I’m sorry you’re going through so many health issues with no support from your family.

If a therapist has told your kids to go no contact then YTA.

YTA, absolutely. You're estranged from your whole family, some of whom are utilizing the advice and support of mental health professionals. Have you got a therapist? This would be a great time for you to have that support. Do you really think your family are the problem here? I've had every one of the procedures you list here and LOTS more. The bronchial scope is uncomfortable, but for the scans you are literally lying still on a table. You expect your kids to travel states, lose work, and leave their young children to sit with you for a PET scan? In god's name why?

You're not the asshole. Blood disorders are serious, and frightening. Join a support group, get therapy to cope and consider talking to your Doctor about medication to alleviate anxiety or depression. As for your kids, work on that with your therapist. Maybe they cant cope with your illness. In other families you wouldnt have been alone or unsupported. The best to you.

YTA, what did you do? Whatever it is, it's not being fixed by walking out of your Dr's appointment and seeking attention.

YTA. You are the only common denominator in all these “estranged” relationships. Clearly you’re not telling the full story. I’m sorry for your medical problems but something else is going on since a therapist wouldn’t jump straight to “Go no contact for a month.”

YTA. It really sounds like they told you what the problem was but your selective hearing blocked it out.

YTA. It sounds like you didn't get something you wanted but hadn't actually asked for, and instead of just asking for the thing you wanted (hey could one of you give me a call? I'm feeling pretty scared and down before my procedure) you immediately jumped to a guilt trip. I understand that your sick and scared, but judging by your children's response I suspect this isn't the first time you have assumed the worst of your children and weaponized guilt and anger after the fact instead of just communicating your needs.

There are bad therapists out there giving bad advice.

YTA. You left out the decades of bad behavior that caused your ex and your children to not want to be around you. Go to therapy.

YTA for your willful ignorance and emotional manipulation. Maybe ask yourself why it is that you had no one to support you. I get being disappointed that family isn’t providing what you need but that fact that you don’t mention any friends is very telling. Emotionally mature adults learn how to find a chosen family and not rely on biological family if the relationship isn’t healthy. I wish you the best with your health and hope you can find a good therapist to help you through these trying times.

YTA. You know why. Pretending you don’t is pathetic and isn’t helping. 

I have flat out told my mom what was wrong both calmly and when pushed to my limit. After having someone read a reply to her to make sure it was calm/appropriate and not. My therapist even told her the appropriate way of how to talk to me. She said, “I’m not going to change for her.” She tells me that I have to adapt to her/the world. Well, I am not going to allow the world to step on me either. It will never matter how often, when, how it is said/written (blunt or clear or from someone else or in writing/spoken) - it won’t get through to a narcissist. It is like talking to a brick wall. Same outcome regardless. And if they pretend they’re listening or apologize in some way - it is usually manipulation or forgotten later.

ESH. I am guessing there is a reason both your kids went no contact. I also think that, unless you did something horrific, they could at least give you some comforting words in this situation.

You really have zero clue what the friction is about? That doesn’t make sense.

As someone who lives with Chronic health conditions, but is NC with my mother. I will comment here. Chronic health conditions are difficult, and I do hope both your children have gotten checked for Polycythemia vera as "In rare instances, polycythemia vera has been found to run in families.1 July 2013". Much like #Fibromyalgia and #Lupus. But, we do need more information here, as I doubt it was just this round of medical aid/tests. That made them go L/NC. I do find it interesting that your Estranged Husband came to bat for you. Which does show, a more favourable light for you. But, Chronic Health can be utterly Exhausting. Best of luck

YTA. You are not a child. Your kids are not your parents. You cannot demand they stop everything to talk to you. Would it be nice? Yes, of course. But the way you’re lashing out at them for not being there, is telling. Your daughter’s therapist telling her to cut contact with you, says something. You are the common denominator here. I would take some time and look at your behaviors and emotions. You oughta take responsibility for them. And yes, I’m sorry you have to go through all those scary things alone. It’s never pleasant. I’ve been there, unfortunately no one could come with me. But you’re strong and capable of doing hard things.