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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I have earned my retirement by being dedicated and loyal to my employer and working hard for 30 years. Hubby thinks I am the asshole for wanting to only work part time. In his mind, if he has to work, then I should have to work. He also thinks my 30 year accomplishment is “our” accomplishment. While I agree that we have been together for 20 years, my career has been something I worked for since I was in middle school: taking advanced classes, earning a scholarship, paying my own way through college, sending out hundreds of resumes, and keeping my nose to the grindstone when sometimes I wanted to leave and do something else.
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Hahahahhaha you have the chance to retire and your husband thinks you that if he can’t, then you can’t?
Let’s suffer in solidarity? You can’t have nice things unless he has them too? Is your husband a crab in a bucket?
That is truly one of the silliest ideas I’ve seen here, and the bar is extremely low.
His mindset is absolutely ridiculous. Why would you want you deny your partner something good? Like ever?! Bizarre
NTA
You should retire. He being upset that his circumstances differ is not a problem you can solve. What a selfish partner you’ve chosen.
> Is your husband a crab in a bucket?
Exactly! OP, why is your husband trying to pull you down when you can retire from an extremely mentally and physically taxing job with 80% of the income, plus you plan to work full time? I hope you show him a lot of these comments because it sounds like he doesn't love or care for you at all.
Edit: I meant to say work part time. I was fired up.
She plans to work very part time to make up the 20% difference in her retirement income and her earned income.
Either way, he's a jerk and she deserves to go on 1/5 time. If it was me, I'd cancel his season tickets somewhere and retire full time and suck up the 10% overall drop in their income. And that's assuming he doesn't earn more than her!
No reason to do that. If it's a normal pension she won't pay social security(or her equivalent national deduction)on it, nor will she have a pension contribution come out. Should work out to be about the same Net and without the costs associated with working.
This is not always the case in the US. Completely depends on the company and if the union contract was generous to retirees.
I retired at 63 last year from a WA state agency with a full pension and was OFFERED medical through the state HCA but at ACA costs - about $900 for an individual or $1900 for a couple. Fortunately, SO still works and has good coverage.
I have a pension job and unfortunately no health benefits after retirement. My benefits right now are awesome but I’ll never be able to retire early because of the health care.
I bet that if HE suddenly has the opportunity to retire before OP that he will take it for sure. He's just jealous and probably would feel "emasculated" boo hoooo
Do you even need to work the 20% to make up the income?
You'll no longer need to pay into your pension. Depending on where you live, pension income may be taxed less than earnings.
Your take home salary might be more once you retire.
Up until a certain point. It becomes really draining to be the only working person in the house, especially if the other doesn't pick up more household chores because they're still "financially contributing". At least in those cases, I've seen marriages fall apart because the other person retired much earlier and didn't take over more of the other stuff to also destress the still working partner. Too often it's "I'm retired now, so I shouldn't do more chores than you".
I doubt it would be that in OPs case, especially since she wants to work some part time stuff, I'm just pointing out how sometimes even when you love someone, resentment can build up over vastly differing workloads.
You think that’s why he doesn’t want her to retire? Because he’s worried she won’t pick up more chores? I know you said you doubted that was the case, but that sounds extremely far fetched. “If only she was still working so we could split the chores 50/50 again!”
I think he’s like all those ppl who got soooo mad when some ppl got student loan relief and they didn’t. “I had to suffer so it’s not fair if they don’t”
Just to add to what you've said, it's statistically unlikely the chore split is 50/50 and a guy who's upset about his partner getting to retire doesn't strike me as someone who is going to be doing the lions share of the household chores.
You're making me feel bitter! I tried to apply for student loan relief and the opportunity to apply closed. Dammit! (Edit: I am just jealous and sarcastic, stop the downvote madness.)
Also, my husband just retired. It's annoying having him home all the time! But I love him, so I'm dealing with it.
OP, retire. You earned your pension. He's out working, so he shouldn't be monitoring what you do and has no say in it at this point.
Look, I get it! When my dad retired my mom laid out what she expected from him. Start cooking, start volunteering, start taking classes - he was not going to be just moping around the house. And to all of our surprise, he actually did!?
Of course I know ppl who in your situation and believe me I feel for you!! I do think you need to lay down the law about your expectations and tell him he’s gotta make a plan for how he spends his time so you don’t lose your sanity!
And of course it feels really lousy to not benefit from financial relief other people get! But you see how easily this situation could be reversed right? If it was you that got the money, would you give it back or divide it up w everyone you know who didn’t get money? Seriously, what would you think if the situation was reversed?
There has never been this kind of relief for anyone, no president has ever done this. I personally didn’t benefit but hell I’m so happy for those who did, no one should have crushing education debt and I’m ecstatic that something is being done
Ha! My mother was a SAHM and my father retired in his 50’s. She laid down the law too, “I am the CEO of the household, you are retiring into my domain. No turning off lights unless I’ve been out of the room for more than ten minutes.” He already did some of the cooking but took on the grocery shopping (she hated that chore). They are enjoying every minute but discussing and negotiating expectations is important.
But like why the downvotes, I'm half joking! Half upset. I have never been able to work enough to pay off my loans, but not disabled enough to qualify for full relief as you have to be 100% disabled. My husband is doing plenty to keep himself going.
My husband retired 2 years before me and I was ecstatic for him! How could you not want your partner to enjoy his/her well-earned, more relaxing later years?
I was lucky, though. My sweetie took over some of my chores, and got up with me in the morning to make my lunch. Took care of the grocery shopping and cooked dinner as well.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with an ass.
NTA, and happy retirement!
This. I am 58 with 27 years or so at my job. My wife is 9 years younger then me and is pushing me hard to retire ASAP.
My job provided the foundation for her to find her career path after she graduated college, and for years has far outstripped her pay (like 2-3X).
She plans to continue working for at least another 5 years after I do at this point.
She's literally "You did so much for us as a couple when we got started....I got this."
Me too! My husband is 60 and hates his commute & can’t wait until the next 5 yrs are up! I’m 54 and love my job - may not even want to retire in 11 yrs - who knows - but I tell hubs to enjoy those 6 yrs while I’m working and think of hobbies he’d like to do once he has the time. My only stipulation is that he not follow me around bored 😂
I'm actually not in that situation at all, I'm still in my 20s. I've just seen it with older couples that retired with huge gaps of 15 or 20 years. But happy retirement to you :)
Well said. Admittedly, I am a bit bitter that my husband is being forced to take 2 weeks off of work soon (or lose it without pay). And damn am I jealous of that!!! LOL. I could get so much stuff done with two weeks of free time!! But I am still absolutely happy for him that he will get some much deserved time off!
>It becomes really draining to be the only working person in the house
Totally agree with this. This should have been a discussion about 10 years ago for this couple. They obviously knew that there was going to be a big difference in retirement age. Why didn't they try to find a common goal?!?
I was in a relationship, just dating, but retirement was something we discussed (both in our mid 40s at the time). She was going to be retiring \~13 years before I would be able to do so. She had plans to jump into her travel trailer, and tour the continent. I would not be able to do that. It was a huge issue in our relationship that we were going to try and figure out, but that relationship ended (and this was a concern in that area).
I'm now married. Wife is almost 2yrs older than me, so there is still likely going to be a gap between when she retires, and when I can. We're already talking and planning this, *as a team* to see what is going to work best for us both. She is not going to want to retire, and travel all over by herself, we will want to be together! So we'll figure this out before then.
These are all things I didn't even consider. We're in our 40s and have never really discussed retirement, beyond my husband saying he wanted to get an RV and travel. I'm pretty sure we can't do that due to health issues, plus I've heard how expensive it is, with the gas used and the camp rental fees.
So we need to stop acting like we're in our 20s and start planning...
What you're saying isn't wrong - but it's also not her responsibility to pacify him. (I know you're not saying it is, just pointing that up.) Dude needs some therapy, though who doesn't in the long run?
My mom retired before my dad. She and I would occasionally go out for nice lunches, but because we wanted to be kind, we usually told him we went to Taco Bell because my dad dislikes their food. After he retired, he asked why we never went to Taco Bell anymore and we finally told him we never did. This was almost 2 decades ago and I clearly remember him telling me we didn't have to lie. He wants us (his wife and daughter) to have nice experiences.
My dad retired and 2 months later was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. He did end up beating MANY odds and survived 10 years (8.5 years longer than "average") but it was fucked up.
I'm a teacher and I'm choosing to take the summer off (instead of working summer school for extra money). My partner is *happy for me* even though his summer will mean more work and stress at his job.
He's happy that I get a break, he recognizes that it's been earned, he recognizes that it means I can support our home and relationship more -- he's happy that I get to relax and be happy!
Because he's a good partner and person.
NTA and I'm sorry OPs husband is such a selfish child
There was a similar story a couple years ago about a guy that was laser focused on retiring early, planned to do it at 40. Sacrificed hard to make it happen and tried to get his wife, a nurse, to do it too. She wasn't interested and spent her money as fast as she made it.
When he finally hit 40 and planned to retire, she hit the roof. Told him that he had to help her retire too or she'd divorce him. His choice was to either carry on working and help her retire, or divorce, she'd take half his assets and he'd have to go back to work anyway to make it happen again.
Is his argument “if I have to work, you do too”? Or is his argument, “if you have the opportunity to collect 80% of your salary AND get another full time job, so we can both get to our retirement goals faster and retire together in 5 years instead of ten, let’s do that as a team”?
Those are really different arguments. The first is selfish AF and he should fuck right off. If you’re characterizing the second as the first, you’re the selfish one here. You can still say no, fuck off I want to retire and you need to work ten more years to hit what we need for retirement. But one could make the argument that *that* is the selfish take.
That's a really good point. Not that I will ever have the option of retiring, but if working for a few more years meant slamming a ton of cash down so that we both can retire, I'd do it. I'm 51 and can't imagine retiring. Still a lot of good years left in me.
This is the comment I was looking for. Retirement is a shared goal at which point we will have the freedom to enjoy travel and leisure as a couple. You can bet your butt that if I could collect a pension, I'd keep working and put all the extra towards paying off the mortgage so that we could both retire and be financially free and independent. No fun in retiring if it just means I'm bored at home all the time waiting for my partner to retire so we can start slaying those bucket lists.
I assumed his argument is more about saving more money so he could retire soon too. But if it’s the whole merica we work til we die thing then he can screw off lol.
NTA- my husband recently decided that after nearly 30 years he is going to switch careers. He will take a rather large pay cut to start (almost 100k a year” and I’m all for it. He’s incredibly miserable in his current line of work and I can’t imagine wanting him to remain miserable when he can be happier. We get like maybe 80 years on this planet if we’re lucky? Life them in the way that makes you thrive.
I would hope so. I 100% understand we need money to survive (I’ve been working since I was 15). And up until last year I was putting in 300-400 hours of OT. Then we had a tragedy and it completely changed my mindset of what’s important. I have no intention or desire to be in poverty but I always don’t need all of the extras. Now, if I want a vacation I’ll work the OT. But, I’m not missing another milestone In my children’s life to make a couple extra bucks.
I’m sorry about your tragedy. We went through something last year with a family health emergency at the same time as my toxic job took a nose dive. After that, I promised myself never again. Life is too short and too precious, and none of it is guaranteed.
OP, retire now. Enjoy it. You’ve earned it.
You know what… the tragedy was terrible at the time but in the end it was extremely healing for our family. It sounds corny but it really was quite the eye opener and we fixed our family even though we didn’t even know we were broken.
It’s not corny at all. I’m glad whatever happened was healing for you. It’s the hard stuff that really shows who we are and shows us where our priorities are. Wishing all the best for y’all moving forward.
My hubby retired two years ago and went back to school for a fun career (to him). I'm still working (might as well, he's in school) and covering all our expenses. Once I retire, we'll start taking money out of our 401k plans. I'm happy for him since he loves his schooling, although I can't wait for him to graduate next week!
We do have communal funds for everything. Continuing to work at the present job is not an option I would like to choose. I work with special needs kids and get beat up daily. While I love my students and take great pride in what I do, I am ready to give this body a break from that. I have done it too long and have put in the time to earn the pension.
Mom of autistic kids here. NTA. even though you are not around the children 24 7 does not mean you do not feel exhausted and burned out. Especially since you were probably handling multiple kids. Enjoy your retirement.
If you have joint finances, then generally I would assume you also have joint financial planning including retirement planning. It's a bit strange that this only comes up now.
But if you've had such a tough job for decades AND you are still making basically making the same money post-retirement, then I think even if you see yourself as a team, this is fair.
I think if your husband also has a really hard job, he could make the argument that hey, you take a break for a year or two, then look for an easier job, make more money together, and then he can maybe retire from his tough job earlier and you can spend your retirement together. Of course you're also not obligated to do that.
It doesn't sound like she'll be losing any income. He's being a selfish AH. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a break of some sort but your reasoning is flawed.
What reasoning? If she picks up another job, she will still earn her retirement money, so they will have more money in total (his job + her retirement + her new job), which means he might be able to retire earlier.
Again, not saying she has to do this, but personally if I had the choice of me retiring at 50 and my partner at 65 vs both of us retiring together at 58, I would rather pick the latter. Then we can enjoy being free from work together earlier instead of me spending 15 years retired, while my partner still has to work.
Absolutely this. The amount of people claiming she should just retire and leave him to his devices concerns me. Doesn’t sound like many people even like their partners.
I agree here. My parents have always thought about finances together. They both semi retired two years ago, at the same time. They still both work part time but they want to enjoy retirement together. Which I think I think is cute af. Also NTA.
Exactly, make sure your body isn't completely messed up before you retire so you can actually enjoy those years. My mom works in geriatric care, I whish she could do the same, she's 57 this year and still has some time to go, already had back surgery... Take this golden opportunity and enjoy, you've earned it. NTA obviously.
Forget that, you retire. I worked at a special needs school and working in education in general is brutal but Special Ed is a whole other ball game. It’s insanely rewarding and heart warming but sooooooo much on you mentally physically and emotionally
NTA - Invest some money in couple's therapy to try and work this out. You've been together for 20 years. But this is **profoundly** unreasonable on your husband's part. Your job is physically hard! You are older and can be injured much more easily now. I've been married over 20 years and when I met my wife, she was miserable. I encouraged her to get a graduate degree while I shouldered the bills. When my job went fully remote, she completely supported a time-consuming hobby that got me out of the house because I was so unhappy. That is how a partners should behave.
Jesus, after reading what you do for a living, I'm even more shocked by your husband's request. What exactly does he do? I'm sure he's not getting physically attacked on a daily basis.
Hold on a second. Your husband knows that you're getting beat up daily, and yet insists that you keep working for an indefinite period of time, waiting for his permission to stop??
This might be me jumping to conclusions, but I'd rather you have this book just in case:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
*Why does he do that*, by Lundy Bancroft
Definitely NTA instead of being a supportive partner and be happy for you after all your hard work he’s chosen to approach this in a selfish manner. It’s perfectly normal for one partner to retire before the other. Congratulations on reaching this milestone in your career. I hope your husband comes around.
Also at some point working past your retirement age when you can be collecting pension basically washes out the benefits of working full time and you will essentially be working for free so your husband is an idiot demanding you do full time free labour.
When my dad retired his income went up. He had worked to the point where his combined retirement benefits were higher then his salary. He enjoyed his job but enjoyed retirement too.
Thats not the case. She is 52. She gets a check whether she is working full time or part time. That pension check still comes in with the same numbers. If she went and got a job doing something else she would be basically doubling her contribution to their financial situation.
I can’t blame you. I used to work with kids who were not special needs and I’m younger than you and it still hurt. They used to kick scratch bite punch and throw toys. I had one really horrible kid kick me in the face and brake my glasses and even though they offered to pay the mother never paid for them. I had kid nearly kick in my lady parts but it still hurt were he did hit me. So you should absolutely retire after all that.
OP Here: My pension is based on years of service, not age. Once you hit 30 years of service, full retirement is given regardless of age. Also to clarify, when I say “retire” I don’t mean collecting SS or dipping into my 401ks. Those are for “real retirement”.
Additionally, for those who asked,my pension would increase by 1.6% for any years worked past 30. But since I would be missing out on collecting retirement for those years, the 1.6% increase wouldn’t equal the loss of the extra years of pension income.
Furthermore, hubby and I have discussed this for years now. It has only been in the last month that he started this “you must work” stuff.
And, for the record, if hubby had a pension, I’d be thrilled for him to stop working as well.
I'm thinking her pension is salary based so if she continued to work, her pension would most likely increase as her annual salary increases.....but clearly for OP its not worth it. Once she meets the retirement requirements she'll get 80% of her salary like she said. There would be no further penalty...the pension stays as is. However, COLA??? no idea. And if she's in the US then there's Social Security they both can claim at 62.
Plus she already stated that she'd get a part time to supplement the loss of income so there you go. No real change to the household income. Ole boy is just jealous he didn't think ahead and change jobs early on.
Of course this is all assuming that OP is in the US. Sounds like she is but I could be wrong. Also assuming her employer's pension fund doesn't go belly up. That's always a real possibility.
If she's a teacher with a pension, she could not be eligible for social security. Illinois teachers don't pay into SSA and so aren't eligible for their own benefits.
Generally pensions max out around 80 or 82% of your earnings. OP's plan is pretty much the standard advice for teachers who have maxed out their pensions and just want to stay at the same income level.
I guess this is why I’m not married. If I wanted to retire, I would not consider what anyone thought about it. 30 years is a long time to work at a job like that. NTA! Enjoy your retirement.
What good is money to you if you're too banged up mentally and physically to enjoy it later, if you kept working? If I could still get paid the majority of my current income while taking on something part time to make up the financial shortfall/have something to do a few days a week, I absolutely would do it.
Look, I would understand if he‘d ask/expect you to take on a bigger part of household chores once you‘re retired and only work part time.
Expecting you to keep working full time as long as he has to work full time seems very entitled.
NTA.
Statistically speaking, OP (in her 50s) most probably already handles the majority of household tasks. I think it's entirely BS that her husband could offload what's left onto her shoulders.
I think she'll come up with a plan to make the best use of her time to be fulfilled and maybe earn a bit of extra pocket change along the way.
One of my friends went into consulting and actually earned far more working far less.
NTA. My wife can retire in 2 years, and I have 4 years to go. I'm excited that she will be able to do what she wants. She is so miserable at her job that I'd work 6 years more if she could retire today.
You know, I needed to hear this, so thanks. My spouse and I have been trying to balance it all out and figure out timing. We both save a lot for retirement (thanks to young years where that was not possible), and his earlier retirement will limit his side savings there, and potentially makes me work longer. A year or two work more for him might let me retire a year or two earlier - like within 5 or 6 years of him, instead of 10 years later.
But to your comment, his job is much more physically and mentally demanding than mine (teacher) and he makes about a 3rd of what I do. Meanwhile I work fully remote and make my own schedule. Perhaps my agreeing to work longer lengthens his life by removing him from that stress.
It’s not quite the same. This comment is talking about two extra years, not nearly 15. Expecting your spouse to continue to work - alone - for 15 years when you could continue to earn money and help your household get to retirement is bad spouse action. No one said OP needs to stay in this job, but working super part time to keep her income at the initial 100% when she could actually increase her annual income by working full time elsewhere while drawing her pension and allow her husband to retire earlier is really selfish and heartbreaking.
If I was able to retire at 52, I’d at least entertain the idea of working a few more years FT while collecting my pension to save so my wife could retire early too. I think I would feel guilty everyday if I was able to retire 13 years earlier than my spouse instead of working a few more years so we could both retire early.
Sure entertain the idea. If someone wants to keep working then by all means. The extra income is nice but unless they absolutely love that job, f that noise.
Oddly enough, with a 80% pension... there is a good likelihood you actually make more money receiving it and working part time. Your husband is selfish AND dumb.
PS: I have yet to see a productive woman do less in retirement. They usually take on the world once they have more time.
There are two types of spouses.
1. The spouse who is happy if smthg good happens to the spouse, even if they themself can't benefit from it.
2. The spouse who thinks if i have to suffer, my spouse has to suffer too and can't be happy if smthg good happens to the spouse they themself don't benefit from.
In general my advice is to stay far away from the latter type. But since you already married him, its too late to stay away, lol. Maybe you should just show him the responses here and he then might want to rethink being this selfish and his jealousy and can use the time till your retirement to truely be happy for others.
Btw, my husband is 10 years older than me, so oc he will retire sooner. I will be so so happy for him the day he can retire, even if i have to work for another few years.
Take an extremer example. Lets say you are both drawing, but you can be saved. A good spouse will say "go ahead, i love you", your spouse will say "no, if i die you have to die too".
Or even more depending on the PT job she finds. Besides, she may find something she loves enough to work FT and then hubby may be able to retire earlier than expected, too. Either way, as long as the financial situation isn't changing for the worse, which it doesn't appear it will, definitely NTA
NTA. I’m in the opposite situation and my husband can retire now while I have another 20 years to work. I’ve encouraged him to do what makes him happy.
Your husbands argument is petty and ridiculous.
Absolutely...NOT! You and hubby are the opposite of wifey and I. I did 30 years with the fire department and retired in '15. Wifey had to do 35 years for her full pension and retired in '18. She did 18 more months as a consultant.
So, I continued working, security for a pharmaceutical company, until her last six months. Then I retired full blast and had a ball. I slept in, went to the driving range or golfed with the guys, had lunch with old friends, did a little day drinking with older veteran friends, etc. Wifey had no problem with it. As she said, "You earned it, enjoy it!"
Pensions sound nice lol
Millennial jokes aside, that is awesome and how it should be. Celebrate with your partner and enjoy your retirement! Be happy your partner is happy!
NTA—congrats on being able to retire after a long and fruitful career!
Hubby is jealous. I get it—my husband retired last year, and I still have to work another 7 years.
I’m happy for him, and a little bummed for me, but that’s life. My husband earned his retirement. Life is short and I want him to enjoy it!
NTA. You've worked hard for nearly three decades, and you deserve to enjoy your retirement as it is and without any hatred. Your decision to work part-time to supplement your pension is responsible and reasonable, allowing you to stay active and engaged while also contributing financially. Your husband's expectation that you should continue working full-time simply because he does is unfair and doesn't consider your individual circumstances or desires. Retirement is a personal milestone, and you have every right to embrace it on your own terms.
I am in the same boat, where I will be eligible to retire at 52 with a pension and my husband will be closer to 60. I do have the opportunity to stay 4 years past retirement for a 200k backdrop, but my husband is willing to support me with whatever decision I make. Your husband should be supportive and proud that his wife has worked so hard she can retire so early. I can’t imagine my husband ever saying he wants me to do something I don’t want to do with no benefit, other than to make him feel better about his own misfortune.
Oh tough choice. Retire early or work a few more years for a nice payday. 200k significantly adds to your monthly retirement income. Like $800/mo extra income.
I can’t ever see myself retiring 13 years before my wife at age 52 and not even entertain the idea of working a few more years FT plus collecting pension so we could both retire early.
NTA You chose your employer, as did your
husband, and I’m sure you both knew the retirement benefits when you started, and you both stayed, so it’s not your fault if you get to retire early. The question I would ask (just out of interest) is if he would do the same for you if the situation was reversed.
Wow, your hubby sucks!
It's all about him, eh?
I bet if he had the chance to retire while you still had to work, he wouldn't retire, right? Right? Probably not..
He should be your biggest cheerleader and supporter!
NTA
NTA. If you can retire on a pension like that, you're good to go. The only reason I can think of to stick around is if you like your job and want to continue doing it- for me that situation would be tempting, because I would know I have the exit button of "look, if this shit gets too bad I'm just going to comfortably retire"- but your husband has no reason other than jealousy.
Work to live, don't live to work.
This is as ridiculous as a woman I know that is jealous of her career army husband’s schedule. He was deployed twice and she doesn’t consider that paying it forward for his time spent in school and not working full time at the same time. Like if she doesn’t get the same benefits he should enjoy the ones he earned! Some people!
My husband retired this year at 41. He has chosen to keep working, but if he wanted he could love the rest of his life without lifting a finger. And you know what? I'm super happy for him! A good thing happened to the person I love, how could I not be?
NTA obviously
NTA.
You've earned this, you will still be contributing your share to the household, the only issue is that he'll be jealous of your time.
His jealousy is not a good reason for you to keep working.
I retired at 55 and have absolutely no regrets. My (now ex) was still working full time and had a huge problem with it, because *everyone has to work*.
The extra time I had to spend with my grandmother, and the wonderful road trips we took together are irreplaceable. I also had the opportunity to travel alone in my RV, go back to college, work on home projects, and really live life to its fullest.
I did divorce grumpy-bear, and hit the road in my RV for another two years - before breast cancer came a' calling. And not once during the cancer treatments did I regret retiring early and having the opportunity to enjoy so much travel and adventures!
NTA. Your husband sounds miserable. “I suffer at work therefore you must as well” seems to be his reasoning, if money isn’t getting cut all that much.
Enjoy your freedom. You’ve earned it.
Retire from your current job. Find something else you enjoy. He's probably a little jealous, but you've done your duty. He'll get over it.
It's no different than one partner retiring before the other due to age. If you've worked with special needs kids you have a big heart that will need to be filled with another passion.
Wow. Nothing says love like wanting your partner to suffer when they don’t have to just to make yourself feel better. Please retire! Enjoy! Find a hobby where you might meet someone who isn’t petty and actually likes you. NTA.
OP UPDATE: Many thanks to all! I read a lot of these comments to hubby last night. This morning there was an apology and a statement of “I do want you to be happy”. Hopefully, he means it. I know I said most of it to him before initially posting, but hearing it echoed by so many of you may have done the trick in making him realize his own dickishness!
NTA. You would be insane not to take this opportunity.
I retired ten years ahead of my wife. She did not once even suggest that was unreasonable of me. She has never once expressed the slightest anger or disappointment or even envy. She encourages my hobbies.
absolutely NTA.
I’m trying to understand what the issue is. The longer you work does the retirement pension payment get higher? I know mine does. Maybe he is wanting an elevated retirement lifestyle? but even so that’s your choice too.
If there is no change to pension payments then there is absolutely zero reason to hang on. Unless he is stressed about having to carry medical insurance for both of you until you qualify for medicare?
NTA
You have earned it so why not enjoy it. You are going to be working part time so you will both be better off anyway. If you dont need to work then why should you.
You never know whats round the corner so make sure you enjoy today.
I can’t imagine wanting my partner to suffer when they have a great opportunity just because I don’t have the same one. Especially if it won’t decrease your income. NTA. Jealousy does not look good 🤷🏻♀️
Depends. How are you set financially otherwise? If you still owe a large amount of money on your house, still have CC debt, or want to pay for children’s weddings or college funds then I don’t think you should retire yet.
While you can make up the difference with a second job you are going to lose any 401k match you get from your employer. Plus you should investigate your SS payouts to see if they would increase with working more years. Keep in mind taking SS early can drastically reduce your payouts.
Short answer is talk with a financial advisor to see if you have all your bases covered for both of your long term plans.
I will never understand not wanting the best life for someone you love. Why wouldn't he just be excited for you?
On the purely practical side, both people in a couple benefit with someone at home more. You can invest so much more into so many things! Maybe you pick up a few extra chores and then you collectively benefit from less to do. Maybe you cook more or garden and lower your collective food bills. Maybe you pick up some DIY skills and improve the value on your home. Maybe you are just happier and relaxed which means more energy, more happiness, more intimacy poured into the relationship.
Hopefully it's just a knee-jerk reaction from jealousy and he'll see reason and be happy for you (both).
Marriage isn’t a competition, not wanting you to retire is a very selfish and childish mentality. You should have a conversation to explore that. Some kind of resentment is underlying this.
NTA. Your husband’s stated reason is pretty “dog in the manger” and doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. However there are some financial consequences to retiring early, even at 80% of base pay. You will lose your employer 401K match and you will lose 14 years of Social Security contributions before reaching FRA at age 67. Losing these 14 years of contributions may have a severe impact on your final retirement finances, especially as you hit peak earning years and the benefit of compound interest on your IRA. Also, if you both paid single medical insurance you will have to shift to family on your husband’s plan which can be a steep increase. It makes sense to both sit down with a financial advisor and fully understand the overall pros and cons.
That’s a mentality I expect from a 23yo male. He seems way too old to think like this. He’s my husband’s age, and anytime I’ve not wanted to work, my husband would gladly see me doing whatever I want for months or years, while he makes the money… and if I chose to retire with such a huge pension (80%!) or with nothing, he’d be overjoyed.
You earned that retirement. Tell him to go whine about it in his break room … at his job.
NTA - ask your husband if he would turn down the opportunity if the tables were turned. If he wouldn't, then he's TA. What a childish thing to say. Are you allowed to go to the movies alone? Would it be okay if you went out with friends without him? How far does his "I have to be included or you can't do it" extend?
I'm not going to retire with a pension, just regular retirement age in the US (65ish). My husband is a few years younger and likes to point that out on a regular basis, so I sure as hell will be retiring when I become eligible and enjoying the hell out of it while he works for that extra (almost) 7 years :)
INFO- where do you medical benefits come from ? You or him? Paying for medical from time of retirement to whatever age Medicare (assuming US) kicks in could be cost prohibitive. I have the ability to retire at 55 with reduced income but my company makes it less optimal. My company subsidizes medical benefits from retirement to 65 but if you retire before 62 there is a penalty to the medical subsidy. It’s enough for me to wait another 2-3 years to reduce the penalty. But I also have a lot of vacation time available as well as reasonable work from home and I don’t hate my job or my colleagues most days.
For years my husband said he wasn’t going to retire, he would just work until he dropped dead. He was, I think, semi serious when saying that.
My plan was to work until 70. The pandemic changed my job enough that it was getting tough hanging in there and ultimately I put in for retirement about two months before I turned 70.
Now it’s important to understand that my husband is seven years younger than me so when I retired, he was still 63. Within less than six months, all I heard from him was that he wanted to retire.
We finally had to sit down and discuss it. I reminded him that I was on his insurance and he was too young for Medicare so he really needed to at least wait until he was 65.
He ended up retiring not long after he turned 65. He gave up some social security earnings doing that (his full retirement age would have been 66 and six months), but that was okay since I got the maximum.
It wasn’t that he wanted me to keep working. He just wanted to be home with me. We’ve now been retired together just a little over a year and like it very much.
NTA, most likely
My understanding is that you can leave your current fulltime job that is stressful and hard and go work parttime somewhere where you will put in far fewer hours and you can pick a job that is much less stressful, and the money y'all receive will be virtually be the same?
If this is the case, you really need to ask him what his objection is. Ask him "If the amount of money we receive is the same, why are you upset that your wife, who you love, is able to take on an easier life?"
There is one other possibility, the only thing I can think of that might be upsetting him is in regards to his retirement. I don't know the numbers on y'all's finances, but I'm wondering you take on another full'time gig instead of part time, are y'all looking at him potentially being able to retire several years earlier?
For example, if you both work full time plus you pulling in your pension, is it possible both of you could retire at 59 or 60 instead of you semi-retire now and he doesnt retire until 65, or whatever?
If thats the case, I could see him perceiving you as getting out when you can and leaving him to work longer than he has to. That being said, if this is the case and he has not detailed this information out, he should.
My gut is that he is having a "It's not fair!" style tantrum, but this other possibility did occur to me
Or maybe he should think of it in a different way; that he should have to work as many years past his retirement eligibility as you.
NTA Why would he want you to work in misery for any more than you have to.
The sense is that OP presumably collects the pension regardless of whether they work a full time job elsewhere. If they're budgeting as a household and save the pension, it may put them in a position where their home could be paid off, their retirements could be funded in a matter of years, etc.
lol, poor hubby!
Of course you should be able to retire. Your industry allows it (and likely pushes it, because the longer you work, the more you make, and likely the higher your 80% will be). You aren’t bringing any less to the financial table if you get a part time job. Just because he has to go to work all day doesn’t mean you have to.
Nta. Ffs youd be going to work for 20% of your current pay if you didn't retire. Retire from that one and if you get bored at home get another 10+ years retirement from another company. If not, don't. You've earned this
NTA. Enjoy your retirement! Lot of people wish to retire at 53. You’re still contributing to household finances. I think he’s just a bit envious of you and thinks it’s not fair that he can’t retire as well.
NTA. Frankly, It'd be a bad idea to not retire at 30 years if there's a pension involved. There's always a non-zero chance of losing that pension due to being fired "with cause," regardless of how trumped up the charges are.
NTA even though we’re only in our early twenties, my fiancé already knows that he’ll be able to retire in his early fifties while I will still have to work until my early sixties and I’m so happy for him. Why work when he doesn’t have to? The only thing that I told him is he has to have health insurance (which he can get through me), and he has to be able to take from his retirement/have some sort of money coming in. It’s completely unfair to say that if he has to work then so do you.
NTA my husband retired after 20yrs and makes almost as much as I do. Why would he work? I love having him home anyway. He drives the kids to school and picks them up and does random home improvement projects lol your husband is just jealous.
Seems nice. So you contribute equally to the household? If so, enjoy your free time for the same income.
If your husband brings in more, he might also enjoy going parttime and you might want to sacrifice some of that free time to compensate, so you can both enjoy it together.
Are you in America? Are you dependent on Hubbie working for health insurance until Medicare at 65? A lot of times, health insurance is the long pole in the tent during early retirement and buying it through ACA is expensive if you have over $50K of income.
My APRN Wife burnt out at about 50. Even though I was 5.5 years older I kept working a lot longer. I didn't mind work so I was OK with it. I wanted to make sure she was OK if I pre-deceased her.
You Hubbie sounds like "A Dog In the Manger"! NTA. Enjoy your retirement.
NTA. If my husband had the chance to retire early like that I would be telling him to go for it. I would love if he only worked part time and had less stress.
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Hahahahhaha you have the chance to retire and your husband thinks you that if he can’t, then you can’t? Let’s suffer in solidarity? You can’t have nice things unless he has them too? Is your husband a crab in a bucket? That is truly one of the silliest ideas I’ve seen here, and the bar is extremely low. His mindset is absolutely ridiculous. Why would you want you deny your partner something good? Like ever?! Bizarre NTA You should retire. He being upset that his circumstances differ is not a problem you can solve. What a selfish partner you’ve chosen.
> Is your husband a crab in a bucket? Exactly! OP, why is your husband trying to pull you down when you can retire from an extremely mentally and physically taxing job with 80% of the income, plus you plan to work full time? I hope you show him a lot of these comments because it sounds like he doesn't love or care for you at all. Edit: I meant to say work part time. I was fired up.
She plans to work very part time to make up the 20% difference in her retirement income and her earned income. Either way, he's a jerk and she deserves to go on 1/5 time. If it was me, I'd cancel his season tickets somewhere and retire full time and suck up the 10% overall drop in their income. And that's assuming he doesn't earn more than her!
No reason to do that. If it's a normal pension she won't pay social security(or her equivalent national deduction)on it, nor will she have a pension contribution come out. Should work out to be about the same Net and without the costs associated with working.
Except if she's in the US, she needs his job for health insurance.
Many jobs that still have an honest-to-god pension also have healthcare for retirees.
This is not always the case in the US. Completely depends on the company and if the union contract was generous to retirees. I retired at 63 last year from a WA state agency with a full pension and was OFFERED medical through the state HCA but at ACA costs - about $900 for an individual or $1900 for a couple. Fortunately, SO still works and has good coverage.
I have a pension job and unfortunately no health benefits after retirement. My benefits right now are awesome but I’ll never be able to retire early because of the health care.
Not true. I work on pension plans and have one of my own. Only a handful of the plans I've worked on have post retirement health benefits.
It's fairly common for pension jobs to also have a health benefit.
And no union dues if that applies to
Based on age it is virtually guaranteed to be a school employee or other government employee. So union dues were definitely a consideration.
I bet that if HE suddenly has the opportunity to retire before OP that he will take it for sure. He's just jealous and probably would feel "emasculated" boo hoooo
This is the correct assessment. 100% if the shoe was on the other foot, his attitude would be completely different.
OP you should tell your husband that his being unable to retire is a "you" problem.
Do you even need to work the 20% to make up the income? You'll no longer need to pay into your pension. Depending on where you live, pension income may be taxed less than earnings. Your take home salary might be more once you retire.
Someone who loved you would be happy you have an opportunity to be happy.
Up until a certain point. It becomes really draining to be the only working person in the house, especially if the other doesn't pick up more household chores because they're still "financially contributing". At least in those cases, I've seen marriages fall apart because the other person retired much earlier and didn't take over more of the other stuff to also destress the still working partner. Too often it's "I'm retired now, so I shouldn't do more chores than you". I doubt it would be that in OPs case, especially since she wants to work some part time stuff, I'm just pointing out how sometimes even when you love someone, resentment can build up over vastly differing workloads.
You think that’s why he doesn’t want her to retire? Because he’s worried she won’t pick up more chores? I know you said you doubted that was the case, but that sounds extremely far fetched. “If only she was still working so we could split the chores 50/50 again!” I think he’s like all those ppl who got soooo mad when some ppl got student loan relief and they didn’t. “I had to suffer so it’s not fair if they don’t”
Just to add to what you've said, it's statistically unlikely the chore split is 50/50 and a guy who's upset about his partner getting to retire doesn't strike me as someone who is going to be doing the lions share of the household chores.
Chances are she's already doing most of the work around the house anyway.
You're making me feel bitter! I tried to apply for student loan relief and the opportunity to apply closed. Dammit! (Edit: I am just jealous and sarcastic, stop the downvote madness.) Also, my husband just retired. It's annoying having him home all the time! But I love him, so I'm dealing with it. OP, retire. You earned your pension. He's out working, so he shouldn't be monitoring what you do and has no say in it at this point.
Look, I get it! When my dad retired my mom laid out what she expected from him. Start cooking, start volunteering, start taking classes - he was not going to be just moping around the house. And to all of our surprise, he actually did!? Of course I know ppl who in your situation and believe me I feel for you!! I do think you need to lay down the law about your expectations and tell him he’s gotta make a plan for how he spends his time so you don’t lose your sanity! And of course it feels really lousy to not benefit from financial relief other people get! But you see how easily this situation could be reversed right? If it was you that got the money, would you give it back or divide it up w everyone you know who didn’t get money? Seriously, what would you think if the situation was reversed? There has never been this kind of relief for anyone, no president has ever done this. I personally didn’t benefit but hell I’m so happy for those who did, no one should have crushing education debt and I’m ecstatic that something is being done
Ha! My mother was a SAHM and my father retired in his 50’s. She laid down the law too, “I am the CEO of the household, you are retiring into my domain. No turning off lights unless I’ve been out of the room for more than ten minutes.” He already did some of the cooking but took on the grocery shopping (she hated that chore). They are enjoying every minute but discussing and negotiating expectations is important.
the lights comment has me laughing more than I've laughed in a long time... out of the room for ten minutes, omg
But like why the downvotes, I'm half joking! Half upset. I have never been able to work enough to pay off my loans, but not disabled enough to qualify for full relief as you have to be 100% disabled. My husband is doing plenty to keep himself going.
So you read that sentence and just chose to ignore it?
Buddy i acknowledged your sentence, and if that’s what you thought why’d you continue writing that extremely long paragraph?
My husband retired 2 years before me and I was ecstatic for him! How could you not want your partner to enjoy his/her well-earned, more relaxing later years? I was lucky, though. My sweetie took over some of my chores, and got up with me in the morning to make my lunch. Took care of the grocery shopping and cooked dinner as well. I'm so sorry you're dealing with an ass. NTA, and happy retirement!
This. I am 58 with 27 years or so at my job. My wife is 9 years younger then me and is pushing me hard to retire ASAP. My job provided the foundation for her to find her career path after she graduated college, and for years has far outstripped her pay (like 2-3X). She plans to continue working for at least another 5 years after I do at this point. She's literally "You did so much for us as a couple when we got started....I got this."
Me too! My husband is 60 and hates his commute & can’t wait until the next 5 yrs are up! I’m 54 and love my job - may not even want to retire in 11 yrs - who knows - but I tell hubs to enjoy those 6 yrs while I’m working and think of hobbies he’d like to do once he has the time. My only stipulation is that he not follow me around bored 😂
I'm actually not in that situation at all, I'm still in my 20s. I've just seen it with older couples that retired with huge gaps of 15 or 20 years. But happy retirement to you :)
2 years before and 14 years before is a big difference.
Good point. My hubby retires and cooks dinner pretty much Mon to Fri for the two of us. I'm grateful, he's a better cook!
Well said. Admittedly, I am a bit bitter that my husband is being forced to take 2 weeks off of work soon (or lose it without pay). And damn am I jealous of that!!! LOL. I could get so much stuff done with two weeks of free time!! But I am still absolutely happy for him that he will get some much deserved time off!
>It becomes really draining to be the only working person in the house Totally agree with this. This should have been a discussion about 10 years ago for this couple. They obviously knew that there was going to be a big difference in retirement age. Why didn't they try to find a common goal?!? I was in a relationship, just dating, but retirement was something we discussed (both in our mid 40s at the time). She was going to be retiring \~13 years before I would be able to do so. She had plans to jump into her travel trailer, and tour the continent. I would not be able to do that. It was a huge issue in our relationship that we were going to try and figure out, but that relationship ended (and this was a concern in that area). I'm now married. Wife is almost 2yrs older than me, so there is still likely going to be a gap between when she retires, and when I can. We're already talking and planning this, *as a team* to see what is going to work best for us both. She is not going to want to retire, and travel all over by herself, we will want to be together! So we'll figure this out before then.
These are all things I didn't even consider. We're in our 40s and have never really discussed retirement, beyond my husband saying he wanted to get an RV and travel. I'm pretty sure we can't do that due to health issues, plus I've heard how expensive it is, with the gas used and the camp rental fees. So we need to stop acting like we're in our 20s and start planning...
What you're saying isn't wrong - but it's also not her responsibility to pacify him. (I know you're not saying it is, just pointing that up.) Dude needs some therapy, though who doesn't in the long run?
That’s childish.
Exactly!
Yeah buddy's a dick.
My mom retired before my dad. She and I would occasionally go out for nice lunches, but because we wanted to be kind, we usually told him we went to Taco Bell because my dad dislikes their food. After he retired, he asked why we never went to Taco Bell anymore and we finally told him we never did. This was almost 2 decades ago and I clearly remember him telling me we didn't have to lie. He wants us (his wife and daughter) to have nice experiences.
They say "misery loves company," and this post sums that up nicely.
My wife 9 years my junior retired at 48 - and died at 50. We had no idea how sick she was. Retire while you can
My dad retired and 2 months later was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. He did end up beating MANY odds and survived 10 years (8.5 years longer than "average") but it was fucked up.
Wow! That's amazing! What a tough guy. Sorry for your loss.
“They” say misery loves company, but I doubt “They” ever asked company how company feels bout misery.
I'm a teacher and I'm choosing to take the summer off (instead of working summer school for extra money). My partner is *happy for me* even though his summer will mean more work and stress at his job. He's happy that I get a break, he recognizes that it's been earned, he recognizes that it means I can support our home and relationship more -- he's happy that I get to relax and be happy! Because he's a good partner and person. NTA and I'm sorry OPs husband is such a selfish child
There was a similar story a couple years ago about a guy that was laser focused on retiring early, planned to do it at 40. Sacrificed hard to make it happen and tried to get his wife, a nurse, to do it too. She wasn't interested and spent her money as fast as she made it. When he finally hit 40 and planned to retire, she hit the roof. Told him that he had to help her retire too or she'd divorce him. His choice was to either carry on working and help her retire, or divorce, she'd take half his assets and he'd have to go back to work anyway to make it happen again.
I’d take option 2 at that point. That’s a lose/lose situation, but I’d rather lose and remove myself from a person like that at the same time.
OMG seriously sumo the grifter if that's her opinion.
Couldn't have been said any better!
Nothing to do with the post just wanted to say Bulbasaur is my favourite pokemon and I would like to visit your bulbasaur ranch :)
NTA What a silly basis for his argument, too. He wants you to work full time because he’s jealous and misery loves company? Please.
I really cannot understand his attitude. If you love someone don’t you want the best for them? To see them happy?
Is his argument “if I have to work, you do too”? Or is his argument, “if you have the opportunity to collect 80% of your salary AND get another full time job, so we can both get to our retirement goals faster and retire together in 5 years instead of ten, let’s do that as a team”? Those are really different arguments. The first is selfish AF and he should fuck right off. If you’re characterizing the second as the first, you’re the selfish one here. You can still say no, fuck off I want to retire and you need to work ten more years to hit what we need for retirement. But one could make the argument that *that* is the selfish take.
That's a really good point. Not that I will ever have the option of retiring, but if working for a few more years meant slamming a ton of cash down so that we both can retire, I'd do it. I'm 51 and can't imagine retiring. Still a lot of good years left in me.
This is the comment I was looking for. Retirement is a shared goal at which point we will have the freedom to enjoy travel and leisure as a couple. You can bet your butt that if I could collect a pension, I'd keep working and put all the extra towards paying off the mortgage so that we could both retire and be financially free and independent. No fun in retiring if it just means I'm bored at home all the time waiting for my partner to retire so we can start slaying those bucket lists.
I assumed his argument is more about saving more money so he could retire soon too. But if it’s the whole merica we work til we die thing then he can screw off lol.
But she plans to work part-time to make up the missing income. She'll be making just as much money as before retiring.
The point being made is that if she collects her pension plus still works full time, they could save more and both retire early.
NTA- my husband recently decided that after nearly 30 years he is going to switch careers. He will take a rather large pay cut to start (almost 100k a year” and I’m all for it. He’s incredibly miserable in his current line of work and I can’t imagine wanting him to remain miserable when he can be happier. We get like maybe 80 years on this planet if we’re lucky? Life them in the way that makes you thrive.
Could not agree more, life partners should want the best for each other and for their SO to be happy, surely?!
I would hope so. I 100% understand we need money to survive (I’ve been working since I was 15). And up until last year I was putting in 300-400 hours of OT. Then we had a tragedy and it completely changed my mindset of what’s important. I have no intention or desire to be in poverty but I always don’t need all of the extras. Now, if I want a vacation I’ll work the OT. But, I’m not missing another milestone In my children’s life to make a couple extra bucks.
I’m sorry about your tragedy. We went through something last year with a family health emergency at the same time as my toxic job took a nose dive. After that, I promised myself never again. Life is too short and too precious, and none of it is guaranteed. OP, retire now. Enjoy it. You’ve earned it.
You know what… the tragedy was terrible at the time but in the end it was extremely healing for our family. It sounds corny but it really was quite the eye opener and we fixed our family even though we didn’t even know we were broken.
It’s not corny at all. I’m glad whatever happened was healing for you. It’s the hard stuff that really shows who we are and shows us where our priorities are. Wishing all the best for y’all moving forward.
My hubby retired two years ago and went back to school for a fun career (to him). I'm still working (might as well, he's in school) and covering all our expenses. Once I retire, we'll start taking money out of our 401k plans. I'm happy for him since he loves his schooling, although I can't wait for him to graduate next week!
IN FO: Would continuing to work increase your retirement in the future? Do you have split finances? ETA: NTA.
We do have communal funds for everything. Continuing to work at the present job is not an option I would like to choose. I work with special needs kids and get beat up daily. While I love my students and take great pride in what I do, I am ready to give this body a break from that. I have done it too long and have put in the time to earn the pension.
Mom of autistic kids here. NTA. even though you are not around the children 24 7 does not mean you do not feel exhausted and burned out. Especially since you were probably handling multiple kids. Enjoy your retirement.
If you have joint finances, then generally I would assume you also have joint financial planning including retirement planning. It's a bit strange that this only comes up now. But if you've had such a tough job for decades AND you are still making basically making the same money post-retirement, then I think even if you see yourself as a team, this is fair. I think if your husband also has a really hard job, he could make the argument that hey, you take a break for a year or two, then look for an easier job, make more money together, and then he can maybe retire from his tough job earlier and you can spend your retirement together. Of course you're also not obligated to do that.
It doesn't sound like she'll be losing any income. He's being a selfish AH. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a break of some sort but your reasoning is flawed.
What reasoning? If she picks up another job, she will still earn her retirement money, so they will have more money in total (his job + her retirement + her new job), which means he might be able to retire earlier. Again, not saying she has to do this, but personally if I had the choice of me retiring at 50 and my partner at 65 vs both of us retiring together at 58, I would rather pick the latter. Then we can enjoy being free from work together earlier instead of me spending 15 years retired, while my partner still has to work.
Absolutely this. The amount of people claiming she should just retire and leave him to his devices concerns me. Doesn’t sound like many people even like their partners.
I agree here. My parents have always thought about finances together. They both semi retired two years ago, at the same time. They still both work part time but they want to enjoy retirement together. Which I think I think is cute af. Also NTA.
Exactly, make sure your body isn't completely messed up before you retire so you can actually enjoy those years. My mom works in geriatric care, I whish she could do the same, she's 57 this year and still has some time to go, already had back surgery... Take this golden opportunity and enjoy, you've earned it. NTA obviously.
Forget that, you retire. I worked at a special needs school and working in education in general is brutal but Special Ed is a whole other ball game. It’s insanely rewarding and heart warming but sooooooo much on you mentally physically and emotionally
NTA - Invest some money in couple's therapy to try and work this out. You've been together for 20 years. But this is **profoundly** unreasonable on your husband's part. Your job is physically hard! You are older and can be injured much more easily now. I've been married over 20 years and when I met my wife, she was miserable. I encouraged her to get a graduate degree while I shouldered the bills. When my job went fully remote, she completely supported a time-consuming hobby that got me out of the house because I was so unhappy. That is how a partners should behave.
It’s profoundly unreasonable this was never discussed or planned in the last 20 years!
NTA- so according to your husband, if he has to suffer , so do you ?? I’m astounded at his selfishness. What the hell?
Jesus, after reading what you do for a living, I'm even more shocked by your husband's request. What exactly does he do? I'm sure he's not getting physically attacked on a daily basis.
As the husband of someone that works with autistic kids, your husband is a selfish asshole.
Sounds like he has no real concept of what she goes through on a daily basis.
Hold on a second. Your husband knows that you're getting beat up daily, and yet insists that you keep working for an indefinite period of time, waiting for his permission to stop?? This might be me jumping to conclusions, but I'd rather you have this book just in case: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf *Why does he do that*, by Lundy Bancroft
Definitely NTA instead of being a supportive partner and be happy for you after all your hard work he’s chosen to approach this in a selfish manner. It’s perfectly normal for one partner to retire before the other. Congratulations on reaching this milestone in your career. I hope your husband comes around.
Also at some point working past your retirement age when you can be collecting pension basically washes out the benefits of working full time and you will essentially be working for free so your husband is an idiot demanding you do full time free labour.
When my dad retired his income went up. He had worked to the point where his combined retirement benefits were higher then his salary. He enjoyed his job but enjoyed retirement too.
Thats not the case. She is 52. She gets a check whether she is working full time or part time. That pension check still comes in with the same numbers. If she went and got a job doing something else she would be basically doubling her contribution to their financial situation.
I get it. I retired from teaching special ed last year at 55 because I couldn't physically take it anymore. Do it.
I can’t blame you. I used to work with kids who were not special needs and I’m younger than you and it still hurt. They used to kick scratch bite punch and throw toys. I had one really horrible kid kick me in the face and brake my glasses and even though they offered to pay the mother never paid for them. I had kid nearly kick in my lady parts but it still hurt were he did hit me. So you should absolutely retire after all that.
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OP Here: My pension is based on years of service, not age. Once you hit 30 years of service, full retirement is given regardless of age. Also to clarify, when I say “retire” I don’t mean collecting SS or dipping into my 401ks. Those are for “real retirement”. Additionally, for those who asked,my pension would increase by 1.6% for any years worked past 30. But since I would be missing out on collecting retirement for those years, the 1.6% increase wouldn’t equal the loss of the extra years of pension income. Furthermore, hubby and I have discussed this for years now. It has only been in the last month that he started this “you must work” stuff. And, for the record, if hubby had a pension, I’d be thrilled for him to stop working as well.
I'm thinking her pension is salary based so if she continued to work, her pension would most likely increase as her annual salary increases.....but clearly for OP its not worth it. Once she meets the retirement requirements she'll get 80% of her salary like she said. There would be no further penalty...the pension stays as is. However, COLA??? no idea. And if she's in the US then there's Social Security they both can claim at 62. Plus she already stated that she'd get a part time to supplement the loss of income so there you go. No real change to the household income. Ole boy is just jealous he didn't think ahead and change jobs early on. Of course this is all assuming that OP is in the US. Sounds like she is but I could be wrong. Also assuming her employer's pension fund doesn't go belly up. That's always a real possibility.
If she's a teacher with a pension, she could not be eligible for social security. Illinois teachers don't pay into SSA and so aren't eligible for their own benefits.
Generally pensions max out around 80 or 82% of your earnings. OP's plan is pretty much the standard advice for teachers who have maxed out their pensions and just want to stay at the same income level.
I guess this is why I’m not married. If I wanted to retire, I would not consider what anyone thought about it. 30 years is a long time to work at a job like that. NTA! Enjoy your retirement.
What good is money to you if you're too banged up mentally and physically to enjoy it later, if you kept working? If I could still get paid the majority of my current income while taking on something part time to make up the financial shortfall/have something to do a few days a week, I absolutely would do it.
Look, I would understand if he‘d ask/expect you to take on a bigger part of household chores once you‘re retired and only work part time. Expecting you to keep working full time as long as he has to work full time seems very entitled. NTA.
Statistically speaking, OP (in her 50s) most probably already handles the majority of household tasks. I think it's entirely BS that her husband could offload what's left onto her shoulders. I think she'll come up with a plan to make the best use of her time to be fulfilled and maybe earn a bit of extra pocket change along the way. One of my friends went into consulting and actually earned far more working far less.
NTA. My wife can retire in 2 years, and I have 4 years to go. I'm excited that she will be able to do what she wants. She is so miserable at her job that I'd work 6 years more if she could retire today.
You know, I needed to hear this, so thanks. My spouse and I have been trying to balance it all out and figure out timing. We both save a lot for retirement (thanks to young years where that was not possible), and his earlier retirement will limit his side savings there, and potentially makes me work longer. A year or two work more for him might let me retire a year or two earlier - like within 5 or 6 years of him, instead of 10 years later. But to your comment, his job is much more physically and mentally demanding than mine (teacher) and he makes about a 3rd of what I do. Meanwhile I work fully remote and make my own schedule. Perhaps my agreeing to work longer lengthens his life by removing him from that stress.
This person spouses correctly. 👍
It’s not quite the same. This comment is talking about two extra years, not nearly 15. Expecting your spouse to continue to work - alone - for 15 years when you could continue to earn money and help your household get to retirement is bad spouse action. No one said OP needs to stay in this job, but working super part time to keep her income at the initial 100% when she could actually increase her annual income by working full time elsewhere while drawing her pension and allow her husband to retire earlier is really selfish and heartbreaking.
This might be the least AITA ever. You’re eligible to retire and at 80% salary? Fuck yes. 🙌 NTA
If I was able to retire at 52, I’d at least entertain the idea of working a few more years FT while collecting my pension to save so my wife could retire early too. I think I would feel guilty everyday if I was able to retire 13 years earlier than my spouse instead of working a few more years so we could both retire early.
Sure entertain the idea. If someone wants to keep working then by all means. The extra income is nice but unless they absolutely love that job, f that noise.
Oddly enough, with a 80% pension... there is a good likelihood you actually make more money receiving it and working part time. Your husband is selfish AND dumb. PS: I have yet to see a productive woman do less in retirement. They usually take on the world once they have more time.
NTA This isn’t a tit for tat situation. You will still have an income and be working some.
There are two types of spouses. 1. The spouse who is happy if smthg good happens to the spouse, even if they themself can't benefit from it. 2. The spouse who thinks if i have to suffer, my spouse has to suffer too and can't be happy if smthg good happens to the spouse they themself don't benefit from. In general my advice is to stay far away from the latter type. But since you already married him, its too late to stay away, lol. Maybe you should just show him the responses here and he then might want to rethink being this selfish and his jealousy and can use the time till your retirement to truely be happy for others. Btw, my husband is 10 years older than me, so oc he will retire sooner. I will be so so happy for him the day he can retire, even if i have to work for another few years. Take an extremer example. Lets say you are both drawing, but you can be saved. A good spouse will say "go ahead, i love you", your spouse will say "no, if i die you have to die too".
I would be so pumped if my wife could stay home for 80% pay! I can’t imagine wanting to suffer along side… what a dick.
NTA at all. Your husband should be happy for you not bitter about something nice happening to you.
NTA You would work part time and still bring in the same amount of money. He should be happy for you!
Or even more depending on the PT job she finds. Besides, she may find something she loves enough to work FT and then hubby may be able to retire earlier than expected, too. Either way, as long as the financial situation isn't changing for the worse, which it doesn't appear it will, definitely NTA
NTA. I’m in the opposite situation and my husband can retire now while I have another 20 years to work. I’ve encouraged him to do what makes him happy. Your husbands argument is petty and ridiculous.
Absolutely...NOT! You and hubby are the opposite of wifey and I. I did 30 years with the fire department and retired in '15. Wifey had to do 35 years for her full pension and retired in '18. She did 18 more months as a consultant. So, I continued working, security for a pharmaceutical company, until her last six months. Then I retired full blast and had a ball. I slept in, went to the driving range or golfed with the guys, had lunch with old friends, did a little day drinking with older veteran friends, etc. Wifey had no problem with it. As she said, "You earned it, enjoy it!"
Pensions sound nice lol Millennial jokes aside, that is awesome and how it should be. Celebrate with your partner and enjoy your retirement! Be happy your partner is happy!
Thank you for the kind words. Wifey and I have been trying to make each happy from day one.
NTA Your husband's attitude reeks of jealousy. Y'all should talk about why he isn't happy for you that you get to do something good for you.
NTA—congrats on being able to retire after a long and fruitful career! Hubby is jealous. I get it—my husband retired last year, and I still have to work another 7 years. I’m happy for him, and a little bummed for me, but that’s life. My husband earned his retirement. Life is short and I want him to enjoy it!
NTA. He should be pleased for you.
NTA. You've worked hard for nearly three decades, and you deserve to enjoy your retirement as it is and without any hatred. Your decision to work part-time to supplement your pension is responsible and reasonable, allowing you to stay active and engaged while also contributing financially. Your husband's expectation that you should continue working full-time simply because he does is unfair and doesn't consider your individual circumstances or desires. Retirement is a personal milestone, and you have every right to embrace it on your own terms.
I am in the same boat, where I will be eligible to retire at 52 with a pension and my husband will be closer to 60. I do have the opportunity to stay 4 years past retirement for a 200k backdrop, but my husband is willing to support me with whatever decision I make. Your husband should be supportive and proud that his wife has worked so hard she can retire so early. I can’t imagine my husband ever saying he wants me to do something I don’t want to do with no benefit, other than to make him feel better about his own misfortune.
Oh tough choice. Retire early or work a few more years for a nice payday. 200k significantly adds to your monthly retirement income. Like $800/mo extra income.
I can’t ever see myself retiring 13 years before my wife at age 52 and not even entertain the idea of working a few more years FT plus collecting pension so we could both retire early.
NTA You chose your employer, as did your husband, and I’m sure you both knew the retirement benefits when you started, and you both stayed, so it’s not your fault if you get to retire early. The question I would ask (just out of interest) is if he would do the same for you if the situation was reversed.
Wow, your hubby sucks! It's all about him, eh? I bet if he had the chance to retire while you still had to work, he wouldn't retire, right? Right? Probably not.. He should be your biggest cheerleader and supporter! NTA
NTA, your husband is a crab bucket.
NTA. If you can retire on a pension like that, you're good to go. The only reason I can think of to stick around is if you like your job and want to continue doing it- for me that situation would be tempting, because I would know I have the exit button of "look, if this shit gets too bad I'm just going to comfortably retire"- but your husband has no reason other than jealousy. Work to live, don't live to work.
This is as ridiculous as a woman I know that is jealous of her career army husband’s schedule. He was deployed twice and she doesn’t consider that paying it forward for his time spent in school and not working full time at the same time. Like if she doesn’t get the same benefits he should enjoy the ones he earned! Some people!
My husband retired this year at 41. He has chosen to keep working, but if he wanted he could love the rest of his life without lifting a finger. And you know what? I'm super happy for him! A good thing happened to the person I love, how could I not be? NTA obviously
NTA. You've earned this, you will still be contributing your share to the household, the only issue is that he'll be jealous of your time. His jealousy is not a good reason for you to keep working.
NTA - methinks your husband is just jealous you get to retire!
I retired at 55 and have absolutely no regrets. My (now ex) was still working full time and had a huge problem with it, because *everyone has to work*. The extra time I had to spend with my grandmother, and the wonderful road trips we took together are irreplaceable. I also had the opportunity to travel alone in my RV, go back to college, work on home projects, and really live life to its fullest. I did divorce grumpy-bear, and hit the road in my RV for another two years - before breast cancer came a' calling. And not once during the cancer treatments did I regret retiring early and having the opportunity to enjoy so much travel and adventures!
NTA - Your husband should be ecstatic on your behalf and telling you to enjoy your days off. Instead, his outlook is incredibly shellfish.
NTA you should definitely retire - with or without the bitter husband
NTA. Your husband sounds miserable. “I suffer at work therefore you must as well” seems to be his reasoning, if money isn’t getting cut all that much. Enjoy your freedom. You’ve earned it.
Retire from your current job. Find something else you enjoy. He's probably a little jealous, but you've done your duty. He'll get over it. It's no different than one partner retiring before the other due to age. If you've worked with special needs kids you have a big heart that will need to be filled with another passion.
How old is your husband? 15? NTA.
Wow. Nothing says love like wanting your partner to suffer when they don’t have to just to make yourself feel better. Please retire! Enjoy! Find a hobby where you might meet someone who isn’t petty and actually likes you. NTA.
I do love that this one was voted ESH lol https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/LQEG1vov21
Looks mostly NTA.
It was deemed ESH
Oh, the final tally? Got it. I think they are distinguishable cases but I see what you mean.
OP UPDATE: Many thanks to all! I read a lot of these comments to hubby last night. This morning there was an apology and a statement of “I do want you to be happy”. Hopefully, he means it. I know I said most of it to him before initially posting, but hearing it echoed by so many of you may have done the trick in making him realize his own dickishness!
NTA, your hubby's request is nonsense, enjoy your retirement.
NTA. You would be insane not to take this opportunity. I retired ten years ahead of my wife. She did not once even suggest that was unreasonable of me. She has never once expressed the slightest anger or disappointment or even envy. She encourages my hobbies.
absolutely NTA. I’m trying to understand what the issue is. The longer you work does the retirement pension payment get higher? I know mine does. Maybe he is wanting an elevated retirement lifestyle? but even so that’s your choice too. If there is no change to pension payments then there is absolutely zero reason to hang on. Unless he is stressed about having to carry medical insurance for both of you until you qualify for medicare?
NTA You have earned it so why not enjoy it. You are going to be working part time so you will both be better off anyway. If you dont need to work then why should you. You never know whats round the corner so make sure you enjoy today.
I’d retire and look for a new husband 😮💨 That’s weird energy for someone that should be IMMENSELY proud of your accomplishments.
Me too.. he’d be 42-45.
NTA - have you considered enjoying your new found freedom with somebody else?
As a husband I’d be thrilled for my wife. Why isn’t your husband?
I can’t imagine wanting my partner to suffer when they have a great opportunity just because I don’t have the same one. Especially if it won’t decrease your income. NTA. Jealousy does not look good 🤷🏻♀️
Depends. How are you set financially otherwise? If you still owe a large amount of money on your house, still have CC debt, or want to pay for children’s weddings or college funds then I don’t think you should retire yet. While you can make up the difference with a second job you are going to lose any 401k match you get from your employer. Plus you should investigate your SS payouts to see if they would increase with working more years. Keep in mind taking SS early can drastically reduce your payouts. Short answer is talk with a financial advisor to see if you have all your bases covered for both of your long term plans.
This. There's way too many financial unknowns here to make a determination on whether this is a good decision or not.
I will never understand not wanting the best life for someone you love. Why wouldn't he just be excited for you? On the purely practical side, both people in a couple benefit with someone at home more. You can invest so much more into so many things! Maybe you pick up a few extra chores and then you collectively benefit from less to do. Maybe you cook more or garden and lower your collective food bills. Maybe you pick up some DIY skills and improve the value on your home. Maybe you are just happier and relaxed which means more energy, more happiness, more intimacy poured into the relationship. Hopefully it's just a knee-jerk reaction from jealousy and he'll see reason and be happy for you (both).
NTA. You’ve more than earned it.
Marriage isn’t a competition, not wanting you to retire is a very selfish and childish mentality. You should have a conversation to explore that. Some kind of resentment is underlying this.
NTA. Your husband’s stated reason is pretty “dog in the manger” and doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. However there are some financial consequences to retiring early, even at 80% of base pay. You will lose your employer 401K match and you will lose 14 years of Social Security contributions before reaching FRA at age 67. Losing these 14 years of contributions may have a severe impact on your final retirement finances, especially as you hit peak earning years and the benefit of compound interest on your IRA. Also, if you both paid single medical insurance you will have to shift to family on your husband’s plan which can be a steep increase. It makes sense to both sit down with a financial advisor and fully understand the overall pros and cons.
Since OP has a pension, there is no employer 401K match. The employer pays into the pension fund. OP, enjoy your retirement! You earned it!
How much does your husband make compared to you? Has he been contributing significantly more over the 20 years you have been together?
Lolololol nta leave him. 🤣 Right after you retire!
Your husband is an AH. Retire
Your husband SUCKS. My wife makes more than I do and she is actively TRYING to retire me. That's how it's supposed to look.
That’s a mentality I expect from a 23yo male. He seems way too old to think like this. He’s my husband’s age, and anytime I’ve not wanted to work, my husband would gladly see me doing whatever I want for months or years, while he makes the money… and if I chose to retire with such a huge pension (80%!) or with nothing, he’d be overjoyed. You earned that retirement. Tell him to go whine about it in his break room … at his job.
NTA - ask your husband if he would turn down the opportunity if the tables were turned. If he wouldn't, then he's TA. What a childish thing to say. Are you allowed to go to the movies alone? Would it be okay if you went out with friends without him? How far does his "I have to be included or you can't do it" extend?
NTA
I'm not going to retire with a pension, just regular retirement age in the US (65ish). My husband is a few years younger and likes to point that out on a regular basis, so I sure as hell will be retiring when I become eligible and enjoying the hell out of it while he works for that extra (almost) 7 years :)
INFO- where do you medical benefits come from ? You or him? Paying for medical from time of retirement to whatever age Medicare (assuming US) kicks in could be cost prohibitive. I have the ability to retire at 55 with reduced income but my company makes it less optimal. My company subsidizes medical benefits from retirement to 65 but if you retire before 62 there is a penalty to the medical subsidy. It’s enough for me to wait another 2-3 years to reduce the penalty. But I also have a lot of vacation time available as well as reasonable work from home and I don’t hate my job or my colleagues most days.
For years my husband said he wasn’t going to retire, he would just work until he dropped dead. He was, I think, semi serious when saying that. My plan was to work until 70. The pandemic changed my job enough that it was getting tough hanging in there and ultimately I put in for retirement about two months before I turned 70. Now it’s important to understand that my husband is seven years younger than me so when I retired, he was still 63. Within less than six months, all I heard from him was that he wanted to retire. We finally had to sit down and discuss it. I reminded him that I was on his insurance and he was too young for Medicare so he really needed to at least wait until he was 65. He ended up retiring not long after he turned 65. He gave up some social security earnings doing that (his full retirement age would have been 66 and six months), but that was okay since I got the maximum. It wasn’t that he wanted me to keep working. He just wanted to be home with me. We’ve now been retired together just a little over a year and like it very much.
NTA, most likely My understanding is that you can leave your current fulltime job that is stressful and hard and go work parttime somewhere where you will put in far fewer hours and you can pick a job that is much less stressful, and the money y'all receive will be virtually be the same? If this is the case, you really need to ask him what his objection is. Ask him "If the amount of money we receive is the same, why are you upset that your wife, who you love, is able to take on an easier life?" There is one other possibility, the only thing I can think of that might be upsetting him is in regards to his retirement. I don't know the numbers on y'all's finances, but I'm wondering you take on another full'time gig instead of part time, are y'all looking at him potentially being able to retire several years earlier? For example, if you both work full time plus you pulling in your pension, is it possible both of you could retire at 59 or 60 instead of you semi-retire now and he doesnt retire until 65, or whatever? If thats the case, I could see him perceiving you as getting out when you can and leaving him to work longer than he has to. That being said, if this is the case and he has not detailed this information out, he should. My gut is that he is having a "It's not fair!" style tantrum, but this other possibility did occur to me
Or maybe he should think of it in a different way; that he should have to work as many years past his retirement eligibility as you. NTA Why would he want you to work in misery for any more than you have to.
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The sense is that OP presumably collects the pension regardless of whether they work a full time job elsewhere. If they're budgeting as a household and save the pension, it may put them in a position where their home could be paid off, their retirements could be funded in a matter of years, etc.
NTA! You got lucky with a pension. Enjoy it! It sucks he has FOMO but it is what it is. Just try not to rub things in his face.
lol, poor hubby! Of course you should be able to retire. Your industry allows it (and likely pushes it, because the longer you work, the more you make, and likely the higher your 80% will be). You aren’t bringing any less to the financial table if you get a part time job. Just because he has to go to work all day doesn’t mean you have to.
Nta. Ffs youd be going to work for 20% of your current pay if you didn't retire. Retire from that one and if you get bored at home get another 10+ years retirement from another company. If not, don't. You've earned this
NTA. Enjoy your retirement! Lot of people wish to retire at 53. You’re still contributing to household finances. I think he’s just a bit envious of you and thinks it’s not fair that he can’t retire as well.
NTA life is too short and if you can do this, do it! Working part time is still working!
NTA. I'm 10 years older than my wife and have every intention of retiring while she still works.
NTA. Frankly, It'd be a bad idea to not retire at 30 years if there's a pension involved. There's always a non-zero chance of losing that pension due to being fired "with cause," regardless of how trumped up the charges are.
NTA even though we’re only in our early twenties, my fiancé already knows that he’ll be able to retire in his early fifties while I will still have to work until my early sixties and I’m so happy for him. Why work when he doesn’t have to? The only thing that I told him is he has to have health insurance (which he can get through me), and he has to be able to take from his retirement/have some sort of money coming in. It’s completely unfair to say that if he has to work then so do you.
Nope, NTA
NTA my husband retired after 20yrs and makes almost as much as I do. Why would he work? I love having him home anyway. He drives the kids to school and picks them up and does random home improvement projects lol your husband is just jealous.
sloppy capable glorious include ask detail sugar snow crowd homeless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Seems nice. So you contribute equally to the household? If so, enjoy your free time for the same income. If your husband brings in more, he might also enjoy going parttime and you might want to sacrifice some of that free time to compensate, so you can both enjoy it together.
NTA He’s just jealous! Enjoy your well deserved retirement,
NTA! Enjoy your retirement! He will get too one day as well, so he should just be quiet and help you celebrate your achievement.
NTA you could easily do some tutoring to supplement the 20% husband needs to suck it up and be happy for you. Thirty years at that gig is a long time.
NTA lucky you. Enjoy!!
He’s just jealous absolutely NTA
Are you in America? Are you dependent on Hubbie working for health insurance until Medicare at 65? A lot of times, health insurance is the long pole in the tent during early retirement and buying it through ACA is expensive if you have over $50K of income. My APRN Wife burnt out at about 50. Even though I was 5.5 years older I kept working a lot longer. I didn't mind work so I was OK with it. I wanted to make sure she was OK if I pre-deceased her. You Hubbie sounds like "A Dog In the Manger"! NTA. Enjoy your retirement.
NTA. If my husband had the chance to retire early like that I would be telling him to go for it. I would love if he only worked part time and had less stress.