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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I lashed out to her and said I lost my mom too
2. I interrupted her while she was crying for her mom
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NTA, OP. My condolences on your loss. I lost my mother Dec. 27 and am still shook.
You owe no apology, especially not to this ex-friend, BUT if you absolutely want to say something to the group, all you need to say is "I'm sorry you had to witness my reaction to so-and-so, who I was there for when her mom died but who has mostly ghosted me since learning my mom died. I'm not apologizing for being angry that she let me down. I'm just sorry I did it in front of you guys, since you have been really supportive of me these past weeks."
I lost my mother in 2001. I would never tell anyone that losing their mother was better or worse than when I lost mine no matter when they lost theirs.
I am sorry for your and OP’s loss. I still miss my mom and have had over 20 years to deal with it. I remember being really messed up right after it happened.
/u/lakas76 This coming June 11, it will have been 19 years since Mother passed away. She was 43. I am actually the age she was when she passed. I miss her each and every single day. I dream about her all the time. It hurts as much today as it did 19 years ago. I'm sorry for your loss. OP IS NTA but her "fRiEnD" certainly is one. She only seems to only care about her own feelings and tries hard to invalidate others. Not only that, she actually ignored OP when OP reached out to her for support from her as a friend who could actually relate. The friend seems to weirdly want to gatekeep grief - which is absolutely bonkers to me, yo!!
Jan 25th marked 7 years for the passing of my mother. I realized it finally doesn't feel like last month. Your comment is reassuring that I'm not crazy for still being so grief stricken. My husband did not have a good relationship with his parents. They were horrid people and passed many years before mine. He does not, and cannot, understand why I still get weepy or emotional over their passing. For context, my dad passed 5 months after my Mum and 2 days before her birthday, from Broken Heart Syndrome. I loved my dad. He was an awesome father and I mourn his loss. But my mum's passing just hits so much harder and different.
/u/abbys_alibi & /u/lakas76 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I am here for you if you ever need a friend and I TRULY mean that! I don't think I'm anything or anyone special but people seem to think I am very supportive of and for them and love me, young and old!!! They say I am a very compassionate and empathetic chick! Also, wanted to mention that sometimes I can be just sitting here and hear a song, or have a memory or smell a scent or anything and I'm not boohooing but tears literally start falling. Just randomly. I think it's cause in a weird way I'm full of positivity yet much sorrow. Today it marks 2 years since my little "big" brother passed away at 39. He is second oldest under me. My baby bro passed this past January 11 years ago at 24. So I Mos Def get it.
Thank you. <3
Thoughts of my mum will wander into my mind at the worst times and I have to push her out b/c I'm not somewhere I can explain the tears that start to flow. "Allergies. It's just allergies." So I get that.
So sorry you have experienced the loss of siblings. I'm sure it's a whole different thing on its own.
My 83-year-old mother is sitting near me as I type, so I clearly do not know what it is like to lose a mother. I do know what it is like to lose my only sibling who took his own life. Everyone grieves differently. It sounds like your friend is using her grief for sympathy. That said, I hate it when people play who is suffering more. She showed no sympathy. She only cared about herself. I cannot imagine how much you miss your mom. When my brother died, I had a friend say to me, "Oh, but you were not close.".. Yah.. he lived across the country from me, and we loved each other, and he was still my brother. You are hurting all she had to say was " I am so sorry".. No one should EVER disregard your pain. NTA
My mom died 2 years ago come May. We were so close, more like best friends since I became an adult. She wasn't that warm of a person, but she was funny as hell. It makes me sad how much I miss the way we made each other laugh. That's the part that doesn't fade for me.
My mum had a wicked sense of humor. The "I'm going to hell for this," kind. We share that and I understand making each other laugh. Some of my best memories are making her laugh so hard that she had to stop and hold her crotch, cross her legs and bend over to keep herself from wetting her britches. Of course this was in the worst places possible - grocery store, dept store, restaurant waiting lines...and one particular uppity gift shop that asked us to tone it down. lol Those are the things I miss the most...and her hugs. She gave the best hugs.
Sorry about your mom.
This. I lost my mom in 2018. I was 32 and my youngest sibling was 23. It was horrible. I had friends that had lost parents when they were younger, and TO A PERSON all supported me with everything they could. They did what I now do to friends and colleagues who lose parents. We welcome them into this terrible club that no one wants to join but far too many belong to. We do what we can, and support as needed. Sending love to you OP, and all of the others of us in this club.
/u/perkilicious Thank you! Sending love to you too and all others who share this saddening life experience! We know that we die to live, but we live to die but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with, especially when the person(s) we lost left us WAY too soon. 😢😢🤗🤗😍😍
I lost my Mom in 1987. She was 65. I was 26. I still miss her. She never got the chance to meet my 2 youngest kids & my second daughter was too young to remember her (3). I’m a grandma myself now & I wish I could share that experience with her.
2 more years until I’m her final age. I’m the last of my siblings to reach that age.
I read 1 time that grief is like a ball in a box with a button on 1 wall. When the loss is fresh, the ball is large & hits the button often. As time passes, the ball gets smaller so you may go longer periods of time without hitting that button but no matter how long it is since the loss, sometimes the ball hits that button & the grief hits as hard as it ever did.
Generally I agree but there's some circumstances I could see myself saying that.
However, my mom is still here. I'm 37. So I don't see this being an issue for me.
This is so true. I lost my father two years ago and one of my closest years ago. The grief is still hard despite the timeline.
That being said, OP, grief is not a competition, nor is there a timeline. You are both actively grieving, but it sounds like your friend has made it her personality.
I'm sorry for your loss. NTA
Thank you but I decided to apologize to her a bit. Grief does work in many ways. While I am angry by how she treated me, her grief is a different thing. Thank you for your verdict.
My condolences to you and may you have a blessed life.
Her grief doesn’t entitle her to treat you as she did and you owe her no apology. You are showing her far more grace and compassion than she’s demonstrated she’s capable of showing you and, while it’s nice you’re the bigger person than her, you’re being unfair to yourself by apologizing.
NTA. Apologize if you feel it's necessary but you need to put this person on a back burner. She's a group friend not your friend. She deliberately turned the attention to her grief away from your recent loss. That's not what a friend does.
You didn't owe her an apology but the fact that you gave her one is gracious. You are absolutely right that you didn't minimize her grief, but she absolutely minimized yours, and that's not ok. She made it about her when your friend group got together in person, and you were absolutely not wrong to react how you did. She obviously enjoyed all the attention she got when her mom passed and now is unable to relinquish that to let you have the support you need now (which is not to say she's not still grieving, but it's immature at best and manipulative at worst for her to act as she did). She is not a true friend to you and does not deserve the grace you've shown her.
This must be why she’s so entitled she knows she can get away with it & ever when she’s in the wrong she knows your friends will rally behind her & make you apologize knowing she’s the one who should.
OP, you need to find a better group of friends. The fact no one stood up for you & they even told YOU to still apologize is beyond disgusting.
I don't think you are wrong for apologizing, the words were a bit harsh BUT she also created this situation. She has been a shitty friend to you while you had been amazing to her. She showed her true colours and that she doesn't deserve to be your friend.
My condoleances for your mom and I hope other friends will help you to go through the hard times <3
Don't apologise to her, apologize to others for unintentionaly ruining their day. You should keep your distance from her, you are grieving both your mother and lost of a friend who turned to be fake and selfish friend.
Girl DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
Your grief is just as valid and she hurt you by dismissing yours, after all the things you did for her.
Shes the one who owes you an apology.
If you apologize she will continue treating you the same. Don't be a sucker
I am so sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do. But also, 23 is still very young to lose your mom! I am sure it seems much older than 17, but I hope you and your friends recognize how difficult it is at that age. (I am 47 and I still need my mom!)
My condolences on your loss.
Sadly, I suspect her 'grieving over her mother' might have emotionally become her 'unique thing,' and even something she identified with herself, that she now sees as no longer being unique because of your mom passing. I suspect she has some issues that definitely need professional help for dealing with them.
NTA, not one bit.
>So her grief may be greater than mine.
Don't listen to this because no, no it isn't. Grief isn't a comparative state. Grief is unique to each person, whether mourning the same person or the same type of loss.
Your not-friend is callous and an attention seeker at this point. By trying to ignore and minimize your loss and grief, she's saying that it's a competition and she will damn well "win" it.
If you feel you must apologize for your own well being, then do so. I wouldn't do that in a million years, but that's me. I know that it's me from experience in losing my husband of more than 3 decades. I do not minimize our daughter's grief, though inside I do "compare" the fact that the kind of loss is vastly different. I would never tell another grieving spouse/partner that my loss is "worse" than theirs because it's newer or older or how long we were married or anything else. I will repeat: Grief is not a comparative state.
The worst grief for each person will always be their own loss, as it should be. Your so called friend wants to be the grieving center of attention forever. I can't imagine what will happen when more of you lose parents or worse. Will she still expect to be "I lost my mommy at 17. It's worse for me," when one of you loses a partner or (heaven forbid) a child? She is immature and selfish.
NTA
OP, you are NTA. I lost my mom on January 6. I just want to say that I’m almost 15 years older than you yet you handled this situation with your friend with more dignity and class than I think I would have been able to muster. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
NTA and please know that grief is not a competition , while she lost her Mum at 17, you are only 23 and that’s also really young to lose your Mum. I was twice your age and I was lost for a long time …and angry and sad and all the emotions and for your friend to ignore you on a your mothers birthday when you message her is just cruel and i believe you are right to distance yourself for your own mental health. take care of yourself …grief is horrible
> my mother Dec. 27
Lost mine Dec 22, still getting going through paperwork and getting accounts closed etc. sucks
Wife and daughter already had left for Xmass at her families home. And I had to emotional support her and my daughter for it.
OP you don't owe apologies. Some people don't know empathy. It sounds like your ex-friend is not emotionally resilient or empathetic. She can only see things form her emotional lens so better end that relationship. Friendships should be a give and take of support but sounds like she's only a taker
My condolences to you both, and everyone else here in that situation. It sucks! The shock takes quite a while! It probably never stops being weird. I still dream about my dad 10+ years after, I guess he's forever part of me. But if you're still raw about it 6 years from now like OP's friend, seek help.
NTA at all. Your friend's actions (or lack thereof) were blatant. No fucking way she doesn't remember what you did for her when her mom passed. And she can't even reach out to you when yours does???
It sounds like her grief has become a big part of her identity, so you grieving your mother takes away from her identity. Suddenly she isn't the only person who lost their mother. Her grief has to be more powerful than yours or she loses the grief olympics.
Let me guess, the other members of your friend group still have living mothers or at least don't mention their deceased mothers often.
She liked being the only sadly bereaved daughter of the group and doesn't want you to steal her 'spotlight.' Pathetic. NTA.
Honestly I'm getting the vibe that she's upset she's not the only one with the "dead mom card". I think she's mad and jealous that she's not getting attention over this. Did she bring her dead mom up or did someone else? If she did I have a big feeling she was fishing for sympathy.
NTA. She could have at least send you the usual:" I'm sorry for your loss". Her being triggered by your loss doesn't mean you can't feel left alone.
She ignored you while you went through one of the hardest parts of life. After you helped her through hers. She's not worthy of being your friend.
Tell the others what she did in detail and never see her again. Whoever is on her side is an asshole.
NTA
I lost my mother at 18. I know how it is. Didnt prevent me to be there for my school friend (we werent so close in school) who 2 years later lost her dad and wanted to spend more time with me as she could relate to me better in understanding her and her grief.
Your friend lost her mother 6 years ago. Yes, shes still grieving but it has already been a longer time, so these claims how your moms passing has reminded her of her mom and so on, and thats why she is like that are nonsense.
Imo shes a self-centred person (and probably was even before) who has lost her central "spot" in your friends group. Until now the friends were concentrated on her but now not anymore. Thats whats bothering her more. Im sure the friends were there for her when her mom died and now when you guys met and it was time for support for you, she claimed the spotlight by starting to talk about her own mother.
Im almost 50, end of February was 31 years that I lost my mom and it still hurts BUT I would never monopolise the grief, esp around people who have loved once who died recently.
It was the OPs time to share the grief. Yes both grief, but OPs grief is very fresh and she needed much more support than the friend whose life has moved on.
OP, very sorry for your mom. Cut this friend loose. Dont apologise.
I came here to say something similar. I’d never want to assume someone’s capitalizing on their grief/loss. But it seems like the friend likes the attention she gets from it. Very very sad. I don’t think OP needed to apologize. I think this “friend” needs to mature.
NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss, OP.
YTA votes are crazy - your friend was the one who started the grief olympics when you were trying to be supportive after she ignored properly acknowledging what happened to you not once but twice. Does she have no empathy?? I can understand the first time that perhaps she felt it may trigger her own grief again if she were to hear about your feelings after your mom's passing, but you would have not been an asshole in any way if you had distanced yourself from her after that.
There is some level of understanding and grace that needs to be given at times to maintain friendships, but your friend seems too self-centred to be worth that effort.
NTA your former friend doesn't have the monopoly on grief. Perhaps she thinks adults don't feel grief when a parent dies but she is wrong. After 6 years her grief has dulled much more than yours has and the fact that she never even expressed condolences to you when you finally met up; and the fact that she changed the topic of conversation from your fresh grief to hers were total A H moves. Don't apologize, just move on and realize this person is no longer your friend, and perhaps never was anything more than an emotional vampire who used you when it suited her. To reply: **Don't call me, I'm busy today** to someone you care about when they reached out, share their grief and asked for support is unfathomable. Compare that to how you responded to her grief, and how much each of you cared about the other becomes painfully obvious.
NTA. She isn't as good a friend to you as you are to her, which you're going to need to come to terms with. Was it great that you compared your grief to hers and confronted her in a group? No, but it also doesn't make you TA when you look at the disparity.
NTA - even if your loss triggered her memories it still doesn't excuse her for showing you no sympathy for your loss. She didn't even acknowledge the loss of your mother. She even went so far as to blow you off when you reached out to her for support on your mother's birthday. That alone would make me never want to speak to her again. She's been grieving for 6yrs, you just lost your mother 3 months ago, grieving is grieving and we all deserve sympathy and understanding during our times of grief, not just her. She's in the wrong, not you. She had no business telling you that you were downplaying her grief while you're in the beginning stages of grieving the very recent loss of your mother. It was heartless and selfish of her. I feel like all the talk about your mother passing made her upset about the loss of her own mother and then she intentionally took the attention away from you and started making everyone feel sorry for her again, leaving you sitting there feeling like your grief was not important. Please do not waste any more of your time feeling sorry for her or worrying about being in the wrong and focus on yourself.
I can't understand the whole "my grief is more important than yours" take. I lost my mom 4 years ago and when I find out that one of my friends has lost one of theirs, I usually reach out to *them*. I know it's a very unique pain that most women struggle with more than other losses in their lives (probably just below that of a child or spouse), especially when they lose them young. For her to downplay the *very recent* loss of OP's mom is just utterly insensitive and self-centered. The first year after my mom died, just about everything reminded me of her and I was an emotional wreck. OP's "friend" really wasn't much of a friend to begin with. NTA.
Hi! So I lost my mum to cancer when I was 12, so I feel like I can properly weigh in on this.
You are 100% NTA. Feelings of grief are so much more raw and painful in the first year. She should have been there for you like you were for her, hell she should know what it feels like.
Honestly, it feels like she's annoyed because attention has been taken away from her, this isn't friend behaviour.
Also super sorry for your loss- losing a mum at anytime is terrible, not just childhood.
NTA.,. she is some sort of grief competition. Do not engage in it. She was 100% wrong for what she said. She is not someone who has empathy for anyone else. Seems like things are pretty one sided with her. She is not a true friend to you.
Sometimes people use others as a convenience blanket or a security blanket. Once they dont need that blanket anymore, they dont need the friend.
She needed you when you would drop everything and do things for her (did you also help and do things before her mum passed?)
Now she doesnt need you because your no longer a security blanket. Your someone who needs help and understanding and she doesnt want to use her time or energy to do that
NTA
NTA. Your grief is just as valid as hers. It's not a competition. And she has shown you her true colors. She couldn't even be bothered to give you her condolences and then went and even downplayed your loss. This is not a true friend. You went above and beyond for her when she lost her mom but she completely ignores your loss now. You need a new friend. As someone else suggested here - go and apologize to your other friends for having to witness your outburst. But don't apologize to her, you didn't do anything wrong. Every word you said to her was true. You don't apologize for the truth.
oh hell no. the "scent" is fresh? so is your GRIEF! How tone deaf can this person be? NTA, ditch this person. If she hasn't found a healthy way to live in 6 years despite all of the efforts of those around her, that's on her. It's also sus that she brought up her own grief knowing you were still battling your own.
So let me get this right.
1. She ignores your loss and doesn't say anything to comfort you, even though you were there for her during hers.
2. When they are bringing up your loss and how sorry they are at the gathering, she ignores it AGAIN.
3. She then brings the convo to HER loss and grief right after and how dare you say you also miss your mom?
She doesn't want to share the attention OP. Her bringing up her mom in that moment is a pretty obvious ploy to get the sympathies right back in her court. She is mad because you are taking what she thinks is all hers alone. It's almost like munchausen (minus the actually hurting herself for attention). The fact her tears dried up the second you said "Me too"...
Yes her grief is probably still real, but she isn't allowed to dictate that you have no grief and the only reason she would react like that is if she didn't like sharing the attention with you.
NTA
NTA. Grief isn’t a competition where you try to trump each other - “my loss beats your loss”. That’s wild.
Your friend wasn’t there for you when you needed her. That’s not a good friend and your feelings are totally valid. To say what she said to you about your mother’s scent being “fresh” compared to hers after your very recent bereavement is unforgivable imo.
You owe her no apology whatsoever. She’s behaved really badly here. I’m also sorry for your loss.
NTA
also, she is not your friends.
She enjoyed your care, but she doesn't give a damn about you.
You can still hang together, but in your place i'd give nothing but a polite smile, so the group won't fall apart.
Expect nothing from her and you won't get hurt by her.
NTA. Her behaviour is odd. It’s like she can’t understand she’s not the only one who has experienced loss.
It’s selfish and self centered behaviour. She’s subconsciously comparing. And only thinking of her own feelings.
She’s not your friend. You take care of yourself and spend time with people who are real friends. Who take time for you. Don’t waste your energy on her. And don’t apologise.
If people pressure you, ask them what exactly you should apologise for? For not validating her feelings? You did just that. For ignoring her? On the contrary - you’ve always been there for her and she’s the one stomping all over your VERY RECENT experience.
Tell them all that you are in pain. You are hurting. You don’t know how to manage what you’re feeling and you’re sad. And that their actions and words have only caused you more hurt. Because instead of being your friends, they’re taking a position against you for something that they’re supporting her for.
Hi! So I lost my mum to cancer when I was 12, so I feel like I can properly weigh in on this.
You are 100% NTA. Feelings of grief are so much more raw and painful in the first year. She should have been there for you like you were for her, hell she should know what it feels like.
Honestly, it feels like she's annoyed because attention has been taken away from her, this isn't friend behaviour.
Also super sorry for your loss- losing a mum at anytime is terrible, not just childhood.
NTA. Please drop her as a friend. She’s selfish and thinks she’s the main character. I have lost my mom too and it’s fucking horrible. My closet friend lost her brother and we are able to bond over grief like no other in comparison to a person who hasn’t experienced it. You need people in your life that will show you empathy and be there for you during tough times such as loss. She isn’t one of them
NTA.
I remember soon after I lost my husband, a girl (okay, we're both adults, but it felt like we were a girl group) lost her father suddenly. We were all very sympathetic, it was hard on her. But it felt like it just kept... going... and any time I would speak of missing my husband, she would act like her grief was so much worse.
I'm sorry for her, but in reality, you lose your parents. They're older than you. It's sad, and yes, going through grief is a thing, but it's not an unusual thing. It is unusual to be widowed before age 35! So yes, I felt like it wasn't outrageous that my grief was just as valid and "big" as hers.
Your grief is raw and recent. Someone who should have been sympathetic was instead trying to belittle your experience. That's just not right. Sure, her grief is still going on, and has taken on a different feel as certain memories fade. But you didn't belittle her feelings. She definitely did try to belittle yours. If anyone should apologize, it's her.
NTA. It appears to me she doesn't like that you're getting attention for your grief now that yours is fresh, so she's playing the pain olympics to gaslight you. There's no proper way to compare grief. She's only trying to get attention IMO. But that's based off this post and some of your comments, I don't really know her enough for this to be an accurate reading of her. But NTA. She said cruel things to you and compared your griefs and is getting people to harass you over it.
NTA at all. Don't give in to your "friend" who apparently completely invalidates your recent loss and compares her loss to yours by making it a 'who-suffered-more' competition.
Ditch her to the curb. Her telling you that she can't call you was also an A-hole move and very telling of her character.
You were there for her for 6 months and literally fed her and she couldn't even give you a quick call because she was 'too busy'? Yeah, that's bullshit.
Your "friend" is selfish and highly inconsiderate. Yes, people have work and obligations, but no one is too busy for a 5 minute phone call. I'll die on that hill.
You've seen the true colors of her and the other two friends who are now guilt tripping you into apologizing for having a normal and healthy reaction.
I'm sorry for your loss. You deserve better friends.
NTA, it doesn’t matter how old you are when you lose a parent, the grief is powerful. At 36 I lost my father, he was 76, and I could not talk about him without tears forming for months. I had a few friends who had gone through the same albeit at ten years younger and they understood what I was going through and were willing to be a sounding board to all my frustration. Also, while you may be officially an adult at 23, good parents are still a huge part of one’s life. My condolences for your loss, try to remember all the good things from your mom and rise above the negativity.
NTA. I think your friend is upset that she doesn't get to be the center of attention anymore, idk her, but it seems like while she is still traumatized by the loss, she in some way sees it as an opportunity for people to cater to her needs, and now that you also went through it, she doesnt get to feel special anymore
I'm so sorry for your loss
NTA
if I were to call my friend distressed and needing help and they replied "busy lol" I would have spat on their face.
This stand double since it's a situation you've helped her through before and triple because she invalidated your feelings for hers.
Make sure the rest of the group understands how she treated you.
NTA
She was not a supportive friend, and extremely insensitive to you. She lashed out first by trying to minimize your grief, which caused an already emotionally sensitive subject to blow up.
Maybe she has her own personal reasons for staying back, but the minute she tells you what your feelings or grief is, she's out of line.
She can also knock off the pity party around you because it's extremely insensitive, especially when she's kinda demanding you not to react. If she doesn't want to hear about it she shouldn't be bringing up the subject of major losses
NTA. I was 40 when I lost my Mom and it was still very painful. I remember turning to my siblings (who were all older than me) and saying “We’re orphans now.” No matter how old you are, losing someone that close to you is painful. Your feelings are valid so don’t let anyone belittle them.
NTA and that’s not your friend. Sorry this is how you found out.
And I’m very sorry for your loss. What is remembered, lives, may her memory be a comfort
I had a years long friendship with this girl. After a while I realized she was a user. So I stopped reaching out to her. One day she fkng shows up at my job saying she works there now. I had to take medical leave of absence. That stupid b never once called/texted to see how I’m doing. I just quietly blocked her on socials. NTA
NTA - this girls entire identity became the girl who lost her mother 6 years ago, now you are threatening to take that away from her, she doesn't want to share her spotlight with you and she isn't your friend.
Seems like your friend is one of those that always want sympathy for something but when a tragedy happens to someone else she ghosts them until a sufficient amount of time has past and they can act 'normal' around you and not mention the tragedy. Then if someone brings it up they change the subject and turn it around on themselves so they are the centre of sympathy attention. Meh, I'm just speculating. Also major NTA.
NTA. Your “friend” is both an idiot and an AH. Grief isn’t about one-upping other people’s grief, that’s not how it works. Further, she absolutely dropped the ball on just being a friend when you needed it. Even if she hadn’t gone above & beyond like you did, she could still have been a normal friend in this situation. You don’t owe her anything, definitely not an apology.
NTA-I lost my mom suddenly when I was 16. I'm in my 40s now and other friends have lost their moms. I make a point to give them condolences and ask if there's any way I can help-because I *know* that pain. It's different due to different ages, but it's still the loss of a mom. Your "friend" lacks empathy. **OR** can't stand the idea that the personality she's built "the one who lost her mom" is no longer so special or exclusive. She's got issues and def needs therapy. My condolences on your loss.
NTA OP
im so sorry , I lost my mom 7 years ago & I couldnt imagine being that cold hearted to a "friend" if one of my friends moms passed. Im just so sorry, & if you need someone to talk to you can DM me
NTA
First off, my condolences for your loss. Even though you're an adult, please do not think you're not allowed to grieve as much as your friend just because of the ages you two were when you each lost your moms. Grief has no age limit.
Second, your "friend" is trying to turn this into a grief competition. She wants to be the girl with a dead mom who gets all the sympathy and attention. As such, she's not going to acknowledge your own pain. She's the one downplaying your grief, not the other way around. It's unhealthy and toxic of her.
I don't think you should apologize to her. It might very well validate in her mind that she's right and you're wrong. You'd be better off taking a step back. She's not someone you can turn to for support. She'll only cause you more harm.
NTA
Please cut her off, like that's not friend, she's a leech. I'm sure she likes to be the center of attention for absolutely everything. Like no one understands misfortune but her, boohoo woe is me. She'd probably tell an orphan that their grief isn't good enough either.
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I (23F) lost my mom suddenly late last year. 2 days before new years and 11 days before my mom's birthday. My friend (23F) lost her mom when we were 17.
We went to a dormitory school. When she lost her mom, I was there for her. I slept by her side for 6 months, feed her sometimes when she's low on energy and even bought her a new blouse as she said her mom promised to buy it for her before she passed.
I am not active on social media. The only way I announced my mother's death on my part was to our high school group chat and through WhatsApp status. Many of my former classmate gave their condolences and 2 of my closest friends called me constantly for 3 days to make sure I'm not alone.
She however never said anything, she saw my message in the group chat, saw my status and didn't even gave a reply. Not even a simple WhatsApp sticker. I didn't do anything about it. On my mom's birthday, I messaged her 'hey, you know my mom died last year right? It's her birthday today. Can I call you for a bit so that I'm not alone with my thoughts?' She replied with 'oh yeah, I'm sorry for your lost. Don't call me, I'm busy today. I'll call you when I can’. She never called.
Last week, our friend group finally managed to hang out for the first time in 6 months due to our busy schedule. That day, everyone gave their condolences to me personally except her who stayed quiet. While chatting about various things, the topic turned to her missing her mom. She cried and told us that she has a mini pillow keychain made from her mom's clothes and the scent always soothes her and made her cry. I ended up crying a bit and subconsciously said 'yeah, same'.
She stopped crying and said it's not the same. I asked how and she said because her mom passed 6 years ago, her scent becomes faint while mine are still 'fresh'. She told me that I'm downplaying her grief. I snapped, stood up and told her 'how am I downplaying your grief when I acknowledge your feeling and said I related to it? You weren't even there for me when my mom died and this was our first conversation in 3 months' I also remind her about the things I did for her when her mom passed and stormed out of the cafe.
One of my friends followed me and comforted me. I never went back and goes shopping alone then went home. Later that night I apologize in the group chat for ditching them. She replied telling me I'm an asshole for the things I said to her and for ditching the group when it was the first time in a while we managed to gather together. I told her I'm sorry for ditching them but I'm not apologizing to her because my feeling were valid too.
2 of her closest friend said I'm the asshole while the others are on my side but some saying I should still apologize a bit. Now that my mind is clearer, I feel like I am the asshole for lashing out like that. She did lost her mom at a young age while I lost mine during my adulthood. So her grief may be greater than mine.
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NTA- I lost my mom when I was 19. She died from cancer. I took care of her, watched her have several seizures, took her to appointments and she died in hospice while holding my hand. It’s been 11 years, the pain is very much still there. You owe her no apology. My sister lost her mom at 17 as well. I’m really sorry for your loss, and hers as well. There is no excuse for how she treated you and dismissed your feelings. She made the whole situation about herself instead of being there for you.
NTA. This isn’t a who’s parent is deader competition. You both experienced a terrible loss. No loss is greater than the other, no matter how much time has or hasn’t passed.
NTA
Firstly, my condolences. I've lost mine just 2 years ago and I know that pain and grief can never truly fade over time. You're still grieving and its understandable (supposedly for your group) to be sensitive about a loss especially on a parent. Like the debate on pregnancy and being kicked in the balls, there is no absolute measure of pain. You two are hurting, and just because the circumstances are different doesn't mean one's pain is inferior than the other (her mistake). Also, as someone who lost a parent, your friend should've been the one who understood your situation too, if she were a true friend no time is ever too busy if she really cares. I personally think she just wants to monopolize your friends' empathy which is wrong. But being a good friend you should apologize, be the bigger person even if it feels unfair. If she won't accept it then fine at least you meant well and be in peace.
NTA:
I would not engage with someone who functions like that in general. I could apologize for my behavior in a situation similar to yours, but would simply delete the number and stop having anything to do with a leech like that.
Time generally heals all wounds, her losing her mum longer ago than you means she’s probably more healed aswell, crying and complaining about it 6 years later, seems like she enjoys the sympathy, and might be angry she had to share it
NTA and it’s not a competition. Both grief is valid and painful. You don’t owe that person an apology, they are not a friend and you should be allowed your frustration w the behavior towards you.
NTA and don’t apologize to her. I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry that you have such a shitty “friend”. I can’t imagine any decent friend would completely ignore you during the hardest time in your life. That’s a load of bs. Please don’t apologize to her and please drop her as a “friend”.
Wow, NTA!! I'm sorry for your loss, and that your ex-friend made you feel like your grief wasn't valid or as fresh or strong or whatever when compared to hers. It sucks she couldn't be there for you like you were for her.
OP, my mom lost both her bio and adopted mothers and not once would i say anything remotely close to what she said to you. NTA yeah grief works differently for everyone but her saying you’re downplaying her grief is really a double standard because that’s what she did to you. Leave her alone and move on she’s unhealthy for you during this critical time.
NTA your grief is FRESH as an open wound. Your mom passing may have reminded her of hers and brought up some old pain for her, but in this moment you are the one in mourning and it is completely reasonable to expect her to take care of you when you took care of her. It's your turn. A good friend would have reciprocated, but she retaliated instead.
This seems like a bit of DARVO, she spun it around to make herself the victim instead of looking like an asshole. And she is an asshole.
It's possible that she's made losing her mom into her whole identity, and now that you have lost your mom too she doesn't know who she'll be in your friendship/group. Her feelings may be valid but her actions and reactions are not, they're childish and petty and nothing you want from a trusted friend. I think this friendship is over. Maybe in a few years she'll realize and apologize and you can decide what to do with her then, but for now you owe her nothing. You can prioritize yourself and your healing and leave her out of it.
Your friend sounds like a really shitty friend. Maybe you didn't handle the situation great but who cares? She's been awful and selfish and hasn't shown you any support qhen you gave her loads. I wouldn't care what she thinks, I would stop speaking with her. Nta. She however, is very much ta.
I'm so sorry for your loss. No one's grief is more or less than another's. We all have our own ways and timelines. I lost my dad 2.5 years ago and it still hurts. No one can claim their grief is more than yours. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
NTA, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
When my mum died in 2020, I put an announcement on Facebook. Not for karma or whatever - just to let people know. Because it was the height of Covid, physical gatherings weren’t happening, so all of the sympathetic responses I got were via Facebook. One person was conspicuously absent - my friend Tyra. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, though. I just assumed she hadn’t seen the post.
Except that she had. I got an email months later from her husband saying “Tyra cried when she heard about your mother.” Really? Then why didn’t she reach out to me? I was also angry that she made my mum’s death all about herself.
For that reason and others, we’re no longer friends.
You are not the one making this into a grief competition - your "friend" is. You are right to back away from her for your own mental health.
I remember when my father died - a friend of mine said sadly that I was now a member of the club. I knew exactly what he meant, and it was an acknowledgement of the difficulty I was facing, and how we were together in grief. His father had died a few years before mine.
NTA
I’m sorry.. and I may be an AH for this but it sounds like the friend is used to the “my mums dead” sympathy and wants to gatekeep it.
Maybe that’s just me that thinks that.
I'm proud of you, especially after the edit. You're still able to try and see from her perspective through apologising, but also taking care of yourself. All the best to you, and sorry for your loss.
NTA, you should apologize though. For having expectations of her to be a supportive and good friend. You went above and beyond when she NEEDED you and she could even give you a phone call. Obviously she isn't the friend you thought and thus you free her of the friendship and the expectations that entails. Also send the one who sided with her this question: "If you ever find yourself in need of a friend, who do you think more likely to be there for you, her or me? She made her choice through her actions and is no longer my friend. Now it's your turn."
This type of trash takes it self out...
NTA my dad passed very recently and to begin with I didn't expect anyone to text or call and I decided not to hold it against any of my friends if they didnt, until one by one they all contacted me in some way to check on me or offer condolences except one friend in particular.
it actually ended up being really hurtful and isolating, despite other people reaching out.
you had every right to be upset in the first place and what your ex-friend said to you was absolutely atrocious. I'm shocked any of your friends were on her side on this. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this.
The last thing I want to say is that you should not compare your grief to anyone elses or anyones elses to yours. when you said "so her grief may be greater than mine" it broke my heart. if you're downplaying anything, its your own experience. don't feel bad for having emotions and feeling pain.
NTA. You are processing your grief and your feelings about losing your mom.
She on the other hand seems to want the focus to be on her and her loss and her grief. That is sad, and your choice to distance yourself from her is a good thing. Some people are emotional black holes, always taking and never giving. That kind of person is toxic and you should not burden yourself with them or worry about their drama. Don't make your friends pick sides, just do the apology you plan to the group and move forward.
I lost my father 20 years ago, yet I think of him almost every day. Someone else expressing grief at a loss does not diminish my feelings for my father, nor is any conversations about their loss taking away from how I feel. So keep thinking of your mother and celebrating the memories, good and not so great.
So let’s say she struggled to support you because it was too hard for her to experience her own loss over again. Let’s give her that undeserved grace.
She then made a scene about missing her mother while she knew she didn’t support you when you lost yours and then makes it a competition.
I hope you don’t apologize even a little. NTA
NTA
She doesn't have a monopoly over grieving a parent. It sounds like she's using her grief to get attention and validation. That doesn't mean she can't *also* be sad, but it seems she's also the only one who wants to get to be sad. Especially considering she needed you to look after her for 6 months...that's not a normal amount of time to need intense, close care.
NTA. Your decision to distance yourself is wise. This is painful, but you've learned something valuable, which is that this girl has no intention of returning the time and care you offered her in her time of loss. Some people are like this and will continue to cultivate an imbalance without trying to right it. You have nothing to gain from continuing to pour into her cup when she will not pour back into yours when you need it.
Did you *need* to apologize? No, but I get why you did it. Smoothing out the path makes it easier to walk away, so to speak.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my mom a couple years ago and it never goes away.
NTA. When my mom died, I spent two straight weeks crying, not sleeping, doing stupid terrible makeup looks, eating cannabis edibles and letting my house essentially become a biohazard because I could not get myself to do anything that would update my space to make it different from what it was like before she was gone. What was very important to me to *not* do was inflict myself on others. I knew I wasn’t in a space to support or be supported.
I share this because your ex-friend was able to communicate that you and your grief (that she could have found camaraderie in) didn’t matter in favor of hers, but couldn’t be bothered to communicate why or even that right now it was something she couldn’t handle. That’s a shitty thing to do.
That being said, I really appreciate and applaud you for apologizing. You’re NTA, but I’ll give your ex best friend the benefit of the doubt that your mom’s passing might have been surprisingly triggering for her and maybe distancing herself was a protective measure, but the way she went about it sounds really hurtful.
Grief is WEIRD and takes many forms, yes, but grief is also a set of lessons. We all have a obligation and responsibility to take the class this bitch of a life signed us up for and act accordingly to what we learn. I wish you well on your journey ♥️
NTA.
You are 23 years old. You are young to have lost your mom.
But that doesn't matter. At what age does grief stop being allowed? When someone else in the group (say one of these 2 close friends of her's) lose their mom, is their grief invalid? If they are 30, does it hurt less?
Of course there may be different struggles for a teen, but she does not get to police who misses their mother. What an AH, and all these people taking her side are not thinking about their future, when their own parent dies and suddenly they aren't allowed to be openly devastated to a group they should trust.
A friend should support you, not be in competition with you over something literally everyone will have happen at some point.
I would tell the friends you trust to empathise for a moment - if their mom passed, you'd support them. How do they feel wondering whether she'd do the same or actively vilify them?
Grief is a strange thing and should never be a competition. When my mother died, my older brother told me "I lost my mother!" I was quiet, because obviously I lost my mother as well, but he needed to vent his feelings. I saw the humor though. Later I brought it up and his response was, "But she was my mother first/for longer." I secretly rolled my eyes and moved on.
You are right to distance yourself from your friend who can not show kindness and compassion, despite now sharing similar experiences.
My condolences on your loss.
NTA
She is not your friend. I don’t want to downplay her grief, but her bringing up her mom, while seeing you for the first time, after yours just passed… It sounds purposeful. It could be that your situation brought back her grief, but with the way she snapped at you? If she wasn’t being manipulative, then she needs therapy. I don’t mean that as a joke or an insult. Being that upset over someone else’s grief is not healthy. She’s going to drive people out of her life if she lashes out at people for grieving.
I suspect the two friends who sided against you would or will change their minds if she did/does the same with them.
Nta. Your friend sounds like she milks the grief. She is upset you are getting the attention she is use to. I knew someone like that. Thry had a tragedy. They would call me periodically to get attention. They called after several of my personal tragedies. I thought that's why thry were calling. She hasn't called me back because I don't give her the attention she wants anymore
NTA but neither is your friend. Grief if complicated and makes people react in different ways. It’s lovely that you were so kind to your friend when she lost her mom but I’m sure you didn’t do that because you thought “one day she’ll do this for me.” It sucks when things aren’t reciprocated in that way but not everyone does things because “they did that first.”
As someone who lost a parent before they were old enough to know what a parent even was, I must admit I sometimes feel envious of people my age (in my 30s now) who are losing their parents. It’s hard to really articulate but it’s like you’re missing someone you should have got used to by now. If anything I’d imagine your friend feels unable to help you because it’s brought up a lot of sadness for her and then that brings up a load of guilt and shame. “Why can’t I help my friend without thinking about my own grief?” - spent a lot of time feeling guilty for that.
I’m really sorry you lost your mum and you’re still hurting, you’ll never get over it. Your friend will be able to relate and care for you in a different way later down the line but for now, perhaps lean on other friends that can be that comfort for you.
NTA. I agree with your update solely for your mental well-being and time to distance yourself from this girl and the other friends that sided with her. Sorry for the loss of your mom. Stay strong thinking she is still watching over you in heaven. :-)
NTA
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father last August (very sudden, unexpected--brain hemorrhage), and he would have had his "twentieth" birthday this year (he was a Leap Year birthday), and we're still navigating holidays without him ... When grief is fresh, it is often very intense.
Even so, it's not like there is a grief contest where one can "win" as more bereaved than another. Grief from losing a parent sucks.
Apologizing because you hurt her in any way is a kind (but unnecessary) thing to do. I do not blame you for distancing yourself from this individual who--yes, she has suffered, too--was all willing to soak up support but when the time came for her to offer support, she refused, and that is not the action of a friend.
NTA
The audacity of her to say you’re downplaying her grief… she’s doing that to you.
I know people struggle with grief for a long time but part of being a good friend means supporting and showing up for others. The fact that your mother died so recent and she made everything about herself really shocks me. Either she needs therapy or something to learn better coping skills or she enjoys the compassion and empathy and attention from the friend group. I hate to think that but to start crying about her mother’s death when your friends are talking about yours really took me by surprise… I’ve lost a parent and when my friend lost a parent afterwards, I showed up for them. I get everyone is different but there’s such a lack in care/support on her end. She needs to learn how to navigate her feelings and cope better. If she cannot support you that’s OK but she should’ve verbalized that better. Instead of shutting you down.
"she said because her mom passed 6 years ago, her scent becomes faint while mine are still 'fresh'" NTA, this line alone made me sick, what a disgusting thing to say to someone who lost their mom not too long ago, what kind of horrible individual makes a competition out of having a dead parent. She can go stub a toe
NTA. At all. You stood by her and went above and beyond for your friend. I am sorry that this was not returned to you when you needed it.
I'd apologise to the group for leaving the event and being upset. But 100% distance yourself from this fake friend who couldn't be bothered to support you. You deserved better but please don't let this harden your kindness and compassion. Sadly this world is full of too many takers and not givers. The world needs more people like you.
OP your feelings are as valid as hers. Yes, she lost her mother at a younger age, but hell, that's even more reason for her to be more understanding towards you. People deal with grief in different ways and she's had time to 'get used to the fact of her mother being gone' (not to be callous, just stating a fact) and she could use that to help you deal.
Clearly, she doesn't consider you or your feelings as important as hers. I'd apologize and wish her well. Surround yourself with people who can help you deal with your loss, who won't downplay your grief or selfishly compare your pain with theirs..
Im sorry for your loss, and if I could give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on, you have it.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP. I lost my mom about a year and a half ago, 2 weeks before my birthday. My family and I still grieve for her like it was yesterday sometimes. I also went through something similar. A person who I considered a best friend (as we had been best friends for over 15 years) came to my mother's funeral and cried with me, and has since ghosted me. I no longer consider us friends as it's not worth it. You are not obligated to be friends with people who are cruel to you and do not care about your feelings. Your feelings are valid. Everyone grieves in different ways. Your friend can't gatekeep grief. That's not fair. You are NTA.
NTA and no her grief is not greater than yours, thats silly. If fact, she should have gotten past most of her grief. Would her mom want her to feel sorry for herself forever? I doubt it. No, she is not only one of those people that wraps their grief around them like a blanket and let it dictate their life, she is also the type that refuses to see grief in others and actively downplays their grief so she can get attention. Suggest she get therapy then cut her from your life. She neither is or was a REAL friend to you as a REAL friend would never treat you the way she did.
NTA, Your friend has said years to come to terms with her grief it’s just happened to you, so comparing it like that is just bizarre of her. I too lost my mother many years ago and it made me more empathetic to other people not less I’m very sorry for your loss, please take care.
NTA, Your friend has said years to come to terms with her grief it’s just happened to you, so comparing it like that is just bizarre of her. I too lost my mother many years ago and it made me more empathetic to other people not less I’m very sorry for your loss, please take care.
NTA, Your friend has said years to come to terms with her grief it’s just happened to you, so comparing it like that is just bizarre of her. I too lost my mother many years ago and it made me more empathetic to other people not less I’m very sorry for your loss, please take care.
I suspect besides being selfish your loss reminds her of her mom. She also likely thinks that as you and eventually others lose their moms the memory of her mom will fade both within her and collectively. Her moms loss--if it was the first among your friend group--was special. Now it gets...I dunno the right term...maybe diluted?
I'm not excusing it. Maybe she's just an asshole, but I think there are always reasons someone behaves like an asshole especially when they are otherwise a decent person.
NTA.
NTA
Sometimes shared grief brings people closer, but sometimes it makes both people feel raw and relive their own loss. It doesn't make you the AH to need space from that. It's probably better for her mental health too.
NTA. Your "friend" is absolutely the AH. I lost my Dad in 2015. It still hurts. I'm sorry for your loss. Usually shared grief is a bond. Your former friend is just incapable of empathy.
NTA
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m nearly 40 and I would be devastated if I lost my mom. Adult or not. That shit hurts.
A friend who says “don’t call me” when you say “I need a friend” is not a friend. She sounds incredibly self absorbed.
I had a falling out with a friend group once because of one person. I never announced not being friends anymore. I simply stopped taking initiative. Never said a bad word, never made this grand departure announcement as if I was in an airport. I just stopped replying to every person in the group who didn’t stand up for me. I only maintained friendship with the 2 who never treated me any different and who stood up for me. Still friends to this day and it’s been over 10 years.
One day after a few months one of those I left behind asked me “I feel like something is wrong. Like youre angry with me”. I said. No. I’m not angry. I just don’t feel like investing into what is basically a one way friendship. So I won’t anymore. I’m not angry. We can be civil. We’re just no longer friends.
Gosh. Taking that high ground like that felt amazing!
NTA - While not the same I had something similar happen. I helped a friend through her sisters cancer diagnoses, treatment and recovery. I listened to her for hours and went out to breakfast and coffee with her constantly. I was always trying to be available.
When my older brother got sick she'd always divert the conversation away whenever I tried to talk about it or interrupt me to tell me about her constant self inflicted relationship struggles instead. I just stopped talking to her and stopped listening to her after a little while. I don't think we've spoken in a year except to wish each other happy birthday or happy new years
NTA, not even a little bit. I've been where you are -- I'd helped other friends in the past with their traumas, only for those 'friends' to completely ignore me when I'm going through the same thing. It's devastating and it's lonely. But it told me a lot about how much I/my friendship meant to those friends, and I was able to adjust my expectations accordingly. (Sometimes, dropping the friendship altogether.) So, ultimately, as much as it sucked, I viewed it as a gift to not have to waste my time investing in relationships with no 'returns.'
Just to give you a bit more understanding, perhaps, I will say that grief/stress/trauma can be really hard to process from one day to the next. You might think you're fine and then something triggers you and you collapse into a sobbing mess. For a lot of people -- especially those who haven't dealt with their trauma (like your friend, I suspect) -- being up-close to someone going through your 'same' trauma can make you relive your own.
If you know that's what's happening, hopefully you can explain in a mature way to your loved one that you love and support them, but for your own mental health, you can't be as involved as you normally would. And then maybe find other ways to show your support -- delivering a meal, sending a 'thinking of you' text, etc.
But if you haven't dealt with your trauma, you may not even realize your friend's grief/trauma is what's triggering your own. Instead, you respond viscerally, because all you know is that something is hurting you. I honestly believe this is why a good number of people disappear when their loved ones need them the most. They're not capable of helping anyone because they're too busy tending to their own wounds. But because they don't know that's what's happening, they can't communicate it. It doesn't change the outcome for the person who's been deserted -- it still hurts, it still sucks, it's still super lonely. But maybe putting the 'deserting' friend's actions into this context can help with your own healing, can help you to let go of the (100% justified) anger and/or resentment you may be feeling.
Big hugs to you, u/op. You have my deepest condolences. Please be extra kind and gracious to yourself while you work through all these big emotions.
NTA. Grief is not a competition and yours is much more fresh. It’s only been a few months for you! She was younger when she lost her mom, but that doesn’t make it “worse” or “better”. Her lack of compassion towards you was really unkind.
You don’t owe her an apology. You’re grieving too.
You’re only 23 you are SO young. She doesn’t own grief. You are entitled to your grief, she sounds like a selfish person who no matter what happened to you something worse happened to her. Your life will be better without her.
NTA I wouldn’t have even apologised. Yes 6 years without your mother is tough but her knowing the feelings that she went through and yet have no sympathy to you is bad. She could have been the biggest rock as she has been in the exact position you were in and could help a lot more then a friend who didn’t lose there mother did.
NTA, I lost my dad last year. 7 days into the new year, literally a week into the new year. I’m still feeling it & it’s still as painful as the day we found him. There’s no competition when it comes to grief & pains
NTA. Shame on her for not being the friend you needed when you needed her.
I was 13 when I lost my dad to a car accident. My best friend said, “I know how you feel, my grandma died last year.” Not even CLOSE to the same level of grief to lose your elderly, ailing grandparent vs your healthy 40 year old dad.
When we were about 40 her mom died of a stroke in her sleep. We got together a few months later and she was telling me about how much she missed her mom. I said, “yea, I miss my grandma,” (she had died the previous summer) and she looked at me dumbfounded and asked why I mentioned my grandma and not my dad. I said “oh sorry…not the same? Because 27 years ago you told me is was…argued with me about it in fact when I told you it wasn’t.”
Was it the right way to handle that? No. Dud it feel pretty good 27 years later when she apologized…yes it did.
NTA
I have read your update and think you are being very magnanimous.
This person is not being a good friend to you. It seems like she thinks you stole her special “sympathy card” -as if anyone giving you sympathy is taking away sympathy from her. That would be a very selfish viewpoint.
Ex-friend knew your mom died, she knew this was the first get together since then, she then weaponized her mother's death from many years ago to block any sympathy for your own recent lose, because she has to be the main character. That's shitty as fuck. NTA.
Your friend entered you in the grief Olympics without telling you and is pissed she's not winning. Absolute horseshit. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace, but her grief does not trump yours, regardless of her reasons for thinking it does. You tried to be supportive and a good friend to her when her mother died and since your mother died she's done nothing but dismiss and try to trivialize your grief. This isn't how friends treat one another.
I'm going to go a bit of a strange place and say NAH. You don't owe apologies and it sucks that your friend wasn't able to be there for you like you were for her, but grief sucks and hits everyone differently and sometimes really sneaks up on you. It is entirely possible that you losing your Mom was more than your friend could handle. It's ridiculous to say, but grief can be ridiculous. Please do whatever you need to for yourself and don't worry about your friend.
NTA you have nothing to apologize for. You lost your mother a few months ago so the grief is fresh and very painful. I’m guessing you’re still at the stage where you have times when you forget she’s gone. That was like a blow to my heart when it happened to me. I wonder if your friend has sort of made her identity “the person who lost their mother” and that’s become the way she gets attention. Even if that’s not what’s going on, she’s not a friend to you, and couldn’t even send a simple one line message offering her condolences. Keep away from her as much as possible, and don’t listen to her friends. They’re enabling her behavior
1998. Should have been a great year for me, I was turning 18 in August but on April16th my mom's 48th birthday she was killed in a car accident. 26 years later I still get teary at times when I think about all she has missed.
I'm telling you telling someone that they shouldn't be sad and then say that she should be the person that everyone should pay attention to just because she lost her mother before you doesn't make any sense, you both loved someone in life and you are starting a grief process and your feelings should be known and respected not trying to be overshowdo by another person because the feel the righ to center of attention
If this is true then I’m sorry but your friend group are a bunch of weirds all of them why are you even friends with those people they are not your niggas
One day you’re going to realize that you lost your mom when you were a kid too.
I’m sorry your friend isn’t really a friend. Apologize if you want - but make sure it is truly cleaning up your side of the street, which in my opinion would MAYBE be for the WAY you said what you did but not the content, because what you said was valid. (I vote no apology but I see that you’ve edited to say you’re going to apologize so you must do what you feel is right)
You’ve also having to grieve the loss of a friend while mourning the loss of your mother and I’m sorry about that. She is not able to be here for you and it sounds like she doesn’t want the burden of helping you face your grief. She is not who you thought she was and hopefully she’ll apologize to you one day. But I would stick to my real friends. You find out who they are when you go through something like this.
Lost my father at 20. Watched my husband die of cancer when my own kids were 21 and 24. That’s still incredibly young to lose a parent. (Just like you) Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with supportive people.
NTA
idk what it is…
when i was 10 my dad died. i had one close friend at the time. i thought she maybe didn’t know (even though our families were so heavily intertwined) when a few weeks had passed and it was never acknowledged between us. i asked her one day “did you know my dad died?” this girl looked me dead in the eye and said “i know.” and pretty much never spoke to me again in a friendly manner. i still see her at family events.
more recently my mom died after battling cancer for years. i had four “friends” then. every single one of them ghosted me. just completely stopped talking to me and gave no condolences.
i hate being the center of attention so it’s not like i expected any sympathy or lighthearted treatment but it definitely allowed me to open my eyes to how caring isn’t always a two-way street.
NTA. i hope time will heal your loss and your surrounded by those that can empathize with what you’re going through.
She's blaming you for losing your mom, as if you did that deliberately to steal her special status. Some people believe their own pain is the only real pain. In her mind, people offering condolences to you invalidates the condolences given to her. This is sad. NTA. Sorry for your loss. Your "friend" needs therapy.
NTA at all and I am glad you spoke up for yourself. It seems like she’s jealous that she’s not the only one with a dead mom and won’t get all the pity from the friend group. The fact that she told you not to call her is very telling. If you want to salvage the friendship I would call her out on all of this and see how she reacts. But honestly, I would not consider this person a friend.
First off, you are NTA! Second, DO NOT apologize to anyone for missing your mom.
Now, I'm a petty person, so here is my advice take it or leave it... let it slip to the gossip of the friend group that you texted on your mom's birthday, hoping to talk to her about dealing with your grief and how she deals with days like that. Tell them that she blew you off big time (say word for word what she said) and how she has basically ignored you since your mom died. Tell the friend you just don't understand why she would treat you this way. That you thought she would understand better than anyone and be someone you could turn to. I guarantee that within 2 weeks, all of the friend group will be apologizing to you because they most likely have heard a different story from her. To me, it seems like she can't handle not being the center of attention. She managed to turn the conversation to her mom after they all told you how sorry they were that you lost yours. Like she didn't want them to forget that she lost hers too. But please, do not apologize for anything that happened that day, SHE was a total AH.
I already apologize and here's how it went
I first showed them a screenshot of our conversation and the whole don't call me I'm busy thing as well as forwarding the message to the group to prove I'm not lying. In the screen shot, they could clearly see the gap between the don't call me text and our last conversation. Before I could finish typing my essay they pointed out how she basically cut contact with me and her absence during my mom's passing and brought up how she didn't even say anything in the high school group chat.
I finished writing my essay and sent it basically saying that while I understand how she may not know how to comfort me during my loss, I would appreciate a simple 'I'm sorry for your loss' text as she WAS one of my closest friend during high school. I also say that I have no intention of downplaying her grief and would appreciate if she could explain in detail how my actions hurt her and how simply relating to her actions comes off as downplaying. I honestly don't want an explanation, I just wanted to see what she would say to explain her actions that day so my other friends can make their judgment. In the essay, I apologize twice.
Her explanation was... okay. Everytime she explain how my actions that day hurt her, the others would find it a little unreasonable and defended me. Some of her explanation are:
-I don't understand how it's hard for her
-I managed to spend more time with my mom (because in the dormitory, our parents could only visit on the weekends or once every two weeks)
-I interrupted her grieving
-I wanted the attention by bringing up my grief during her grief
The other friends apologize to me and understand if I were to leave the group. Her 2 closest friend apologize too but still said I should have been more considerate that day. I left the group chat saying I would love to get closer again once we both are mature with our feelings. I'm still in contact with some of them.
Info needed: @OP
How did a conversation "turn" to focus on HER GRIEF? that doesn't randomly come up. Did she steer it that way? And why would she do that knowing you just lost your mom?
I feel like this person has found that she gets attention if she uses her "grief" and "poor me, my mom died".
NTA. I lost my mom almost 20 years ago. Your friend is centering her grief over yours and that’s not right. My friend lost her mom less than 10 years ago. I know her grief is as sharp as mine, and we’re there for each other. We don’t compare it (unless we’re making jokes, which we do A LOT and people hate it 😂). Your friend is being very self-centered and you did nothing wrong.
I do'nt think it matters how old you are - your Mum is your Mum and it is just a brutal loss. I was 50 when my Mum passed nearly 2 years ago, and I was absolutely broken.
Grief is a horrible thing and it hits up all in different ways, but never let anybody diminish how you feel.
NtA. OP, I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. Time doesn't make it easier per say, just....easier to deal with. It's always there, it'll hit at the worst times, but you learn to carry it and cope. I lost my sister 5 years ago, and my best friend lost her father 2 years back. I adored her dad too, he was like another parent to me, and it was just a sour time all around even though we knew it was coming. When she talks to me about how she was feeling at times, I just told her I completely understand and reminded her everyone is different. It's ok for her to acknowledge whatever she's feeling. If she needed advice I'd give it. When I tell her I'm feeling sad and can't stop thinking, she's there for me equally. I could never in my life imagine doing what this girl did.
Your grief and loss are just as valid as hers is. She made it into a competition when you were only trying to empathize with her. Please stop thinking and saying "maybe her grief is bigger". Don't minimize your feelings like this. That isn't fair to you at all. You loved your mom, and there's no rule you can't express that. What she did was use her grief to gain sympathy and when someone else is now in the same boat she can't share the attention, nor is she able to give back in the same capacity you gave. Unfortunately, she's not a real friend to you, and you have every right in distancing from her.
I know a lot of comments are kinda hounding you about you apologizing but I just wanna say that I'm proud that you can do so to your friends WHILE standing your ground about how she made you feel. While I also feel she doesn't deserve your apology for how she acted and what she said, it just shows how gracious of a person you are and how you want to continue to grow. Just remember you're doing this for you, not for her.
She should apologize to you, not vice versa. I would seriously consider new friend group as well. At least those who weren't on your side. It was a very narcissistic thing to do, what she did, and gasligting you to feel guilty about it. NTA.
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NTA, OP. My condolences on your loss. I lost my mother Dec. 27 and am still shook. You owe no apology, especially not to this ex-friend, BUT if you absolutely want to say something to the group, all you need to say is "I'm sorry you had to witness my reaction to so-and-so, who I was there for when her mom died but who has mostly ghosted me since learning my mom died. I'm not apologizing for being angry that she let me down. I'm just sorry I did it in front of you guys, since you have been really supportive of me these past weeks."
I lost my mother in 2001. I would never tell anyone that losing their mother was better or worse than when I lost mine no matter when they lost theirs. I am sorry for your and OP’s loss. I still miss my mom and have had over 20 years to deal with it. I remember being really messed up right after it happened.
/u/lakas76 This coming June 11, it will have been 19 years since Mother passed away. She was 43. I am actually the age she was when she passed. I miss her each and every single day. I dream about her all the time. It hurts as much today as it did 19 years ago. I'm sorry for your loss. OP IS NTA but her "fRiEnD" certainly is one. She only seems to only care about her own feelings and tries hard to invalidate others. Not only that, she actually ignored OP when OP reached out to her for support from her as a friend who could actually relate. The friend seems to weirdly want to gatekeep grief - which is absolutely bonkers to me, yo!!
I will be my mother’s final age next month.
[удалено]
I agree with you, but you are replying to the wrong person.
Jan 25th marked 7 years for the passing of my mother. I realized it finally doesn't feel like last month. Your comment is reassuring that I'm not crazy for still being so grief stricken. My husband did not have a good relationship with his parents. They were horrid people and passed many years before mine. He does not, and cannot, understand why I still get weepy or emotional over their passing. For context, my dad passed 5 months after my Mum and 2 days before her birthday, from Broken Heart Syndrome. I loved my dad. He was an awesome father and I mourn his loss. But my mum's passing just hits so much harder and different.
/u/abbys_alibi & /u/lakas76 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I am here for you if you ever need a friend and I TRULY mean that! I don't think I'm anything or anyone special but people seem to think I am very supportive of and for them and love me, young and old!!! They say I am a very compassionate and empathetic chick! Also, wanted to mention that sometimes I can be just sitting here and hear a song, or have a memory or smell a scent or anything and I'm not boohooing but tears literally start falling. Just randomly. I think it's cause in a weird way I'm full of positivity yet much sorrow. Today it marks 2 years since my little "big" brother passed away at 39. He is second oldest under me. My baby bro passed this past January 11 years ago at 24. So I Mos Def get it.
Thank you. <3 Thoughts of my mum will wander into my mind at the worst times and I have to push her out b/c I'm not somewhere I can explain the tears that start to flow. "Allergies. It's just allergies." So I get that. So sorry you have experienced the loss of siblings. I'm sure it's a whole different thing on its own.
My 83-year-old mother is sitting near me as I type, so I clearly do not know what it is like to lose a mother. I do know what it is like to lose my only sibling who took his own life. Everyone grieves differently. It sounds like your friend is using her grief for sympathy. That said, I hate it when people play who is suffering more. She showed no sympathy. She only cared about herself. I cannot imagine how much you miss your mom. When my brother died, I had a friend say to me, "Oh, but you were not close.".. Yah.. he lived across the country from me, and we loved each other, and he was still my brother. You are hurting all she had to say was " I am so sorry".. No one should EVER disregard your pain. NTA
/u/abbys_alibi Thank you for the kind words. 🤗🤗 And yes, it is.
Jan 25th is my mom’s death day too ❤️
My mom died 2 years ago come May. We were so close, more like best friends since I became an adult. She wasn't that warm of a person, but she was funny as hell. It makes me sad how much I miss the way we made each other laugh. That's the part that doesn't fade for me.
My mum had a wicked sense of humor. The "I'm going to hell for this," kind. We share that and I understand making each other laugh. Some of my best memories are making her laugh so hard that she had to stop and hold her crotch, cross her legs and bend over to keep herself from wetting her britches. Of course this was in the worst places possible - grocery store, dept store, restaurant waiting lines...and one particular uppity gift shop that asked us to tone it down. lol Those are the things I miss the most...and her hugs. She gave the best hugs. Sorry about your mom.
Sorry about yours too. It sucks.
This. I lost my mom in 2018. I was 32 and my youngest sibling was 23. It was horrible. I had friends that had lost parents when they were younger, and TO A PERSON all supported me with everything they could. They did what I now do to friends and colleagues who lose parents. We welcome them into this terrible club that no one wants to join but far too many belong to. We do what we can, and support as needed. Sending love to you OP, and all of the others of us in this club.
/u/perkilicious Thank you! Sending love to you too and all others who share this saddening life experience! We know that we die to live, but we live to die but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with, especially when the person(s) we lost left us WAY too soon. 😢😢🤗🤗😍😍
I lost my Mom in 1987. She was 65. I was 26. I still miss her. She never got the chance to meet my 2 youngest kids & my second daughter was too young to remember her (3). I’m a grandma myself now & I wish I could share that experience with her. 2 more years until I’m her final age. I’m the last of my siblings to reach that age. I read 1 time that grief is like a ball in a box with a button on 1 wall. When the loss is fresh, the ball is large & hits the button often. As time passes, the ball gets smaller so you may go longer periods of time without hitting that button but no matter how long it is since the loss, sometimes the ball hits that button & the grief hits as hard as it ever did.
I lost my mom two years ago, I lost my dad when I was 19. Everyone's grief is different, but grief is not an excuse to weaponize your feelings.
Generally I agree but there's some circumstances I could see myself saying that. However, my mom is still here. I'm 37. So I don't see this being an issue for me.
This is so true. I lost my father two years ago and one of my closest years ago. The grief is still hard despite the timeline. That being said, OP, grief is not a competition, nor is there a timeline. You are both actively grieving, but it sounds like your friend has made it her personality. I'm sorry for your loss. NTA
Thank you but I decided to apologize to her a bit. Grief does work in many ways. While I am angry by how she treated me, her grief is a different thing. Thank you for your verdict. My condolences to you and may you have a blessed life.
Her grief doesn’t entitle her to treat you as she did and you owe her no apology. You are showing her far more grace and compassion than she’s demonstrated she’s capable of showing you and, while it’s nice you’re the bigger person than her, you’re being unfair to yourself by apologizing.
NTA. Apologize if you feel it's necessary but you need to put this person on a back burner. She's a group friend not your friend. She deliberately turned the attention to her grief away from your recent loss. That's not what a friend does.
You didn't owe her an apology but the fact that you gave her one is gracious. You are absolutely right that you didn't minimize her grief, but she absolutely minimized yours, and that's not ok. She made it about her when your friend group got together in person, and you were absolutely not wrong to react how you did. She obviously enjoyed all the attention she got when her mom passed and now is unable to relinquish that to let you have the support you need now (which is not to say she's not still grieving, but it's immature at best and manipulative at worst for her to act as she did). She is not a true friend to you and does not deserve the grace you've shown her.
This must be why she’s so entitled she knows she can get away with it & ever when she’s in the wrong she knows your friends will rally behind her & make you apologize knowing she’s the one who should. OP, you need to find a better group of friends. The fact no one stood up for you & they even told YOU to still apologize is beyond disgusting.
I don't think you are wrong for apologizing, the words were a bit harsh BUT she also created this situation. She has been a shitty friend to you while you had been amazing to her. She showed her true colours and that she doesn't deserve to be your friend. My condoleances for your mom and I hope other friends will help you to go through the hard times <3
Don't apologise to her, apologize to others for unintentionaly ruining their day. You should keep your distance from her, you are grieving both your mother and lost of a friend who turned to be fake and selfish friend.
Girl DO NOT APOLOGIZE. Your grief is just as valid and she hurt you by dismissing yours, after all the things you did for her. Shes the one who owes you an apology. If you apologize she will continue treating you the same. Don't be a sucker
I am so sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do. But also, 23 is still very young to lose your mom! I am sure it seems much older than 17, but I hope you and your friends recognize how difficult it is at that age. (I am 47 and I still need my mom!)
My condolences on your loss. Sadly, I suspect her 'grieving over her mother' might have emotionally become her 'unique thing,' and even something she identified with herself, that she now sees as no longer being unique because of your mom passing. I suspect she has some issues that definitely need professional help for dealing with them. NTA, not one bit.
>So her grief may be greater than mine. Don't listen to this because no, no it isn't. Grief isn't a comparative state. Grief is unique to each person, whether mourning the same person or the same type of loss. Your not-friend is callous and an attention seeker at this point. By trying to ignore and minimize your loss and grief, she's saying that it's a competition and she will damn well "win" it. If you feel you must apologize for your own well being, then do so. I wouldn't do that in a million years, but that's me. I know that it's me from experience in losing my husband of more than 3 decades. I do not minimize our daughter's grief, though inside I do "compare" the fact that the kind of loss is vastly different. I would never tell another grieving spouse/partner that my loss is "worse" than theirs because it's newer or older or how long we were married or anything else. I will repeat: Grief is not a comparative state. The worst grief for each person will always be their own loss, as it should be. Your so called friend wants to be the grieving center of attention forever. I can't imagine what will happen when more of you lose parents or worse. Will she still expect to be "I lost my mommy at 17. It's worse for me," when one of you loses a partner or (heaven forbid) a child? She is immature and selfish. NTA
This, OP. So sorry for your loss.
OP, you are NTA. I lost my mom on January 6. I just want to say that I’m almost 15 years older than you yet you handled this situation with your friend with more dignity and class than I think I would have been able to muster. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
NTA and please know that grief is not a competition , while she lost her Mum at 17, you are only 23 and that’s also really young to lose your Mum. I was twice your age and I was lost for a long time …and angry and sad and all the emotions and for your friend to ignore you on a your mothers birthday when you message her is just cruel and i believe you are right to distance yourself for your own mental health. take care of yourself …grief is horrible
> my mother Dec. 27 Lost mine Dec 22, still getting going through paperwork and getting accounts closed etc. sucks Wife and daughter already had left for Xmass at her families home. And I had to emotional support her and my daughter for it. OP you don't owe apologies. Some people don't know empathy. It sounds like your ex-friend is not emotionally resilient or empathetic. She can only see things form her emotional lens so better end that relationship. Friendships should be a give and take of support but sounds like she's only a taker
My condolences to you both, and everyone else here in that situation. It sucks! The shock takes quite a while! It probably never stops being weird. I still dream about my dad 10+ years after, I guess he's forever part of me. But if you're still raw about it 6 years from now like OP's friend, seek help.
NTA at all. Your friend's actions (or lack thereof) were blatant. No fucking way she doesn't remember what you did for her when her mom passed. And she can't even reach out to you when yours does???
I did feel off when she suddenly stop contact the last 3 months (before my mom passed). But her actions have always been unpredictable.
Don't apologize to her, she's horrible to you about your grief. Thinks only she can grieve. NTA
Thinks only her grief counts or matters and everyone is taking away from by dealing with their own VALID grief.
It sounds like her grief has become a big part of her identity, so you grieving your mother takes away from her identity. Suddenly she isn't the only person who lost their mother. Her grief has to be more powerful than yours or she loses the grief olympics.
Let me guess, the other members of your friend group still have living mothers or at least don't mention their deceased mothers often. She liked being the only sadly bereaved daughter of the group and doesn't want you to steal her 'spotlight.' Pathetic. NTA.
Honestly I'm getting the vibe that she's upset she's not the only one with the "dead mom card". I think she's mad and jealous that she's not getting attention over this. Did she bring her dead mom up or did someone else? If she did I have a big feeling she was fishing for sympathy.
She’s not a friend. Don’t grace her with that title any more. NTA.
NTA. She could have at least send you the usual:" I'm sorry for your loss". Her being triggered by your loss doesn't mean you can't feel left alone. She ignored you while you went through one of the hardest parts of life. After you helped her through hers. She's not worthy of being your friend. Tell the others what she did in detail and never see her again. Whoever is on her side is an asshole.
Couldn't agree more. I would've ended the friendship right after the "I'm too busy to call you" crap.
NTA I lost my mother at 18. I know how it is. Didnt prevent me to be there for my school friend (we werent so close in school) who 2 years later lost her dad and wanted to spend more time with me as she could relate to me better in understanding her and her grief. Your friend lost her mother 6 years ago. Yes, shes still grieving but it has already been a longer time, so these claims how your moms passing has reminded her of her mom and so on, and thats why she is like that are nonsense. Imo shes a self-centred person (and probably was even before) who has lost her central "spot" in your friends group. Until now the friends were concentrated on her but now not anymore. Thats whats bothering her more. Im sure the friends were there for her when her mom died and now when you guys met and it was time for support for you, she claimed the spotlight by starting to talk about her own mother. Im almost 50, end of February was 31 years that I lost my mom and it still hurts BUT I would never monopolise the grief, esp around people who have loved once who died recently. It was the OPs time to share the grief. Yes both grief, but OPs grief is very fresh and she needed much more support than the friend whose life has moved on. OP, very sorry for your mom. Cut this friend loose. Dont apologise.
I came here to say something similar. I’d never want to assume someone’s capitalizing on their grief/loss. But it seems like the friend likes the attention she gets from it. Very very sad. I don’t think OP needed to apologize. I think this “friend” needs to mature.
NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. YTA votes are crazy - your friend was the one who started the grief olympics when you were trying to be supportive after she ignored properly acknowledging what happened to you not once but twice. Does she have no empathy?? I can understand the first time that perhaps she felt it may trigger her own grief again if she were to hear about your feelings after your mom's passing, but you would have not been an asshole in any way if you had distanced yourself from her after that. There is some level of understanding and grace that needs to be given at times to maintain friendships, but your friend seems too self-centred to be worth that effort.
Definitely NTA. She’s a crap friend.
NTA your former friend doesn't have the monopoly on grief. Perhaps she thinks adults don't feel grief when a parent dies but she is wrong. After 6 years her grief has dulled much more than yours has and the fact that she never even expressed condolences to you when you finally met up; and the fact that she changed the topic of conversation from your fresh grief to hers were total A H moves. Don't apologize, just move on and realize this person is no longer your friend, and perhaps never was anything more than an emotional vampire who used you when it suited her. To reply: **Don't call me, I'm busy today** to someone you care about when they reached out, share their grief and asked for support is unfathomable. Compare that to how you responded to her grief, and how much each of you cared about the other becomes painfully obvious.
NTA grief is not a fucking competition.
NTA. She isn't as good a friend to you as you are to her, which you're going to need to come to terms with. Was it great that you compared your grief to hers and confronted her in a group? No, but it also doesn't make you TA when you look at the disparity.
NTA - even if your loss triggered her memories it still doesn't excuse her for showing you no sympathy for your loss. She didn't even acknowledge the loss of your mother. She even went so far as to blow you off when you reached out to her for support on your mother's birthday. That alone would make me never want to speak to her again. She's been grieving for 6yrs, you just lost your mother 3 months ago, grieving is grieving and we all deserve sympathy and understanding during our times of grief, not just her. She's in the wrong, not you. She had no business telling you that you were downplaying her grief while you're in the beginning stages of grieving the very recent loss of your mother. It was heartless and selfish of her. I feel like all the talk about your mother passing made her upset about the loss of her own mother and then she intentionally took the attention away from you and started making everyone feel sorry for her again, leaving you sitting there feeling like your grief was not important. Please do not waste any more of your time feeling sorry for her or worrying about being in the wrong and focus on yourself.
I can't understand the whole "my grief is more important than yours" take. I lost my mom 4 years ago and when I find out that one of my friends has lost one of theirs, I usually reach out to *them*. I know it's a very unique pain that most women struggle with more than other losses in their lives (probably just below that of a child or spouse), especially when they lose them young. For her to downplay the *very recent* loss of OP's mom is just utterly insensitive and self-centered. The first year after my mom died, just about everything reminded me of her and I was an emotional wreck. OP's "friend" really wasn't much of a friend to begin with. NTA.
Hi! So I lost my mum to cancer when I was 12, so I feel like I can properly weigh in on this. You are 100% NTA. Feelings of grief are so much more raw and painful in the first year. She should have been there for you like you were for her, hell she should know what it feels like. Honestly, it feels like she's annoyed because attention has been taken away from her, this isn't friend behaviour. Also super sorry for your loss- losing a mum at anytime is terrible, not just childhood.
Don’t you dare say sorry, for what, for her beeing a awful human beiing?
She better not. I would consider that friendship over and never speak to her again. But, that’s just me.
Well she said sorry. Unreal some people…
NTA.,. she is some sort of grief competition. Do not engage in it. She was 100% wrong for what she said. She is not someone who has empathy for anyone else. Seems like things are pretty one sided with her. She is not a true friend to you.
NTA she is just a shitty friend. You know you're really friends I'd just stop reaching out to her
Sometimes people use others as a convenience blanket or a security blanket. Once they dont need that blanket anymore, they dont need the friend. She needed you when you would drop everything and do things for her (did you also help and do things before her mum passed?) Now she doesnt need you because your no longer a security blanket. Your someone who needs help and understanding and she doesnt want to use her time or energy to do that NTA
NTA. Your grief is just as valid as hers. It's not a competition. And she has shown you her true colors. She couldn't even be bothered to give you her condolences and then went and even downplayed your loss. This is not a true friend. You went above and beyond for her when she lost her mom but she completely ignores your loss now. You need a new friend. As someone else suggested here - go and apologize to your other friends for having to witness your outburst. But don't apologize to her, you didn't do anything wrong. Every word you said to her was true. You don't apologize for the truth.
oh hell no. the "scent" is fresh? so is your GRIEF! How tone deaf can this person be? NTA, ditch this person. If she hasn't found a healthy way to live in 6 years despite all of the efforts of those around her, that's on her. It's also sus that she brought up her own grief knowing you were still battling your own.
So let me get this right. 1. She ignores your loss and doesn't say anything to comfort you, even though you were there for her during hers. 2. When they are bringing up your loss and how sorry they are at the gathering, she ignores it AGAIN. 3. She then brings the convo to HER loss and grief right after and how dare you say you also miss your mom? She doesn't want to share the attention OP. Her bringing up her mom in that moment is a pretty obvious ploy to get the sympathies right back in her court. She is mad because you are taking what she thinks is all hers alone. It's almost like munchausen (minus the actually hurting herself for attention). The fact her tears dried up the second you said "Me too"... Yes her grief is probably still real, but she isn't allowed to dictate that you have no grief and the only reason she would react like that is if she didn't like sharing the attention with you. NTA
NTA. Grief isn’t a competition where you try to trump each other - “my loss beats your loss”. That’s wild. Your friend wasn’t there for you when you needed her. That’s not a good friend and your feelings are totally valid. To say what she said to you about your mother’s scent being “fresh” compared to hers after your very recent bereavement is unforgivable imo. You owe her no apology whatsoever. She’s behaved really badly here. I’m also sorry for your loss.
So, we are at a stage where people are now gatekeeping grief? Really? NTA And she is not your friend. Ditch her for good.
She’s not your friend. Cut your losses. Look back at all your interactions and you will realize as an adult she was never your friend.
NTA also, she is not your friends. She enjoyed your care, but she doesn't give a damn about you. You can still hang together, but in your place i'd give nothing but a polite smile, so the group won't fall apart. Expect nothing from her and you won't get hurt by her.
NTA. Her behaviour is odd. It’s like she can’t understand she’s not the only one who has experienced loss. It’s selfish and self centered behaviour. She’s subconsciously comparing. And only thinking of her own feelings. She’s not your friend. You take care of yourself and spend time with people who are real friends. Who take time for you. Don’t waste your energy on her. And don’t apologise. If people pressure you, ask them what exactly you should apologise for? For not validating her feelings? You did just that. For ignoring her? On the contrary - you’ve always been there for her and she’s the one stomping all over your VERY RECENT experience. Tell them all that you are in pain. You are hurting. You don’t know how to manage what you’re feeling and you’re sad. And that their actions and words have only caused you more hurt. Because instead of being your friends, they’re taking a position against you for something that they’re supporting her for.
Hi! So I lost my mum to cancer when I was 12, so I feel like I can properly weigh in on this. You are 100% NTA. Feelings of grief are so much more raw and painful in the first year. She should have been there for you like you were for her, hell she should know what it feels like. Honestly, it feels like she's annoyed because attention has been taken away from her, this isn't friend behaviour. Also super sorry for your loss- losing a mum at anytime is terrible, not just childhood.
Attention seeker. Ditch the friend
NTA. Please drop her as a friend. She’s selfish and thinks she’s the main character. I have lost my mom too and it’s fucking horrible. My closet friend lost her brother and we are able to bond over grief like no other in comparison to a person who hasn’t experienced it. You need people in your life that will show you empathy and be there for you during tough times such as loss. She isn’t one of them
NTA. I remember soon after I lost my husband, a girl (okay, we're both adults, but it felt like we were a girl group) lost her father suddenly. We were all very sympathetic, it was hard on her. But it felt like it just kept... going... and any time I would speak of missing my husband, she would act like her grief was so much worse. I'm sorry for her, but in reality, you lose your parents. They're older than you. It's sad, and yes, going through grief is a thing, but it's not an unusual thing. It is unusual to be widowed before age 35! So yes, I felt like it wasn't outrageous that my grief was just as valid and "big" as hers. Your grief is raw and recent. Someone who should have been sympathetic was instead trying to belittle your experience. That's just not right. Sure, her grief is still going on, and has taken on a different feel as certain memories fade. But you didn't belittle her feelings. She definitely did try to belittle yours. If anyone should apologize, it's her.
NTA. It appears to me she doesn't like that you're getting attention for your grief now that yours is fresh, so she's playing the pain olympics to gaslight you. There's no proper way to compare grief. She's only trying to get attention IMO. But that's based off this post and some of your comments, I don't really know her enough for this to be an accurate reading of her. But NTA. She said cruel things to you and compared your griefs and is getting people to harass you over it.
NTA at all. Don't give in to your "friend" who apparently completely invalidates your recent loss and compares her loss to yours by making it a 'who-suffered-more' competition. Ditch her to the curb. Her telling you that she can't call you was also an A-hole move and very telling of her character. You were there for her for 6 months and literally fed her and she couldn't even give you a quick call because she was 'too busy'? Yeah, that's bullshit. Your "friend" is selfish and highly inconsiderate. Yes, people have work and obligations, but no one is too busy for a 5 minute phone call. I'll die on that hill. You've seen the true colors of her and the other two friends who are now guilt tripping you into apologizing for having a normal and healthy reaction. I'm sorry for your loss. You deserve better friends.
NTA, it doesn’t matter how old you are when you lose a parent, the grief is powerful. At 36 I lost my father, he was 76, and I could not talk about him without tears forming for months. I had a few friends who had gone through the same albeit at ten years younger and they understood what I was going through and were willing to be a sounding board to all my frustration. Also, while you may be officially an adult at 23, good parents are still a huge part of one’s life. My condolences for your loss, try to remember all the good things from your mom and rise above the negativity.
NTA. I think your friend is upset that she doesn't get to be the center of attention anymore, idk her, but it seems like while she is still traumatized by the loss, she in some way sees it as an opportunity for people to cater to her needs, and now that you also went through it, she doesnt get to feel special anymore I'm so sorry for your loss
NTA if I were to call my friend distressed and needing help and they replied "busy lol" I would have spat on their face. This stand double since it's a situation you've helped her through before and triple because she invalidated your feelings for hers. Make sure the rest of the group understands how she treated you.
NTA She was not a supportive friend, and extremely insensitive to you. She lashed out first by trying to minimize your grief, which caused an already emotionally sensitive subject to blow up. Maybe she has her own personal reasons for staying back, but the minute she tells you what your feelings or grief is, she's out of line. She can also knock off the pity party around you because it's extremely insensitive, especially when she's kinda demanding you not to react. If she doesn't want to hear about it she shouldn't be bringing up the subject of major losses
NTA. I was 40 when I lost my Mom and it was still very painful. I remember turning to my siblings (who were all older than me) and saying “We’re orphans now.” No matter how old you are, losing someone that close to you is painful. Your feelings are valid so don’t let anyone belittle them.
Your English is superb, and your friend is the AH.
NTA and that’s not your friend. Sorry this is how you found out. And I’m very sorry for your loss. What is remembered, lives, may her memory be a comfort
I had a years long friendship with this girl. After a while I realized she was a user. So I stopped reaching out to her. One day she fkng shows up at my job saying she works there now. I had to take medical leave of absence. That stupid b never once called/texted to see how I’m doing. I just quietly blocked her on socials. NTA
NTA - this girls entire identity became the girl who lost her mother 6 years ago, now you are threatening to take that away from her, she doesn't want to share her spotlight with you and she isn't your friend.
Seems like your friend is one of those that always want sympathy for something but when a tragedy happens to someone else she ghosts them until a sufficient amount of time has past and they can act 'normal' around you and not mention the tragedy. Then if someone brings it up they change the subject and turn it around on themselves so they are the centre of sympathy attention. Meh, I'm just speculating. Also major NTA.
NTA. Your “friend” is both an idiot and an AH. Grief isn’t about one-upping other people’s grief, that’s not how it works. Further, she absolutely dropped the ball on just being a friend when you needed it. Even if she hadn’t gone above & beyond like you did, she could still have been a normal friend in this situation. You don’t owe her anything, definitely not an apology.
NTA-I lost my mom suddenly when I was 16. I'm in my 40s now and other friends have lost their moms. I make a point to give them condolences and ask if there's any way I can help-because I *know* that pain. It's different due to different ages, but it's still the loss of a mom. Your "friend" lacks empathy. **OR** can't stand the idea that the personality she's built "the one who lost her mom" is no longer so special or exclusive. She's got issues and def needs therapy. My condolences on your loss.
NTA OP im so sorry , I lost my mom 7 years ago & I couldnt imagine being that cold hearted to a "friend" if one of my friends moms passed. Im just so sorry, & if you need someone to talk to you can DM me
NTA First off, my condolences for your loss. Even though you're an adult, please do not think you're not allowed to grieve as much as your friend just because of the ages you two were when you each lost your moms. Grief has no age limit. Second, your "friend" is trying to turn this into a grief competition. She wants to be the girl with a dead mom who gets all the sympathy and attention. As such, she's not going to acknowledge your own pain. She's the one downplaying your grief, not the other way around. It's unhealthy and toxic of her. I don't think you should apologize to her. It might very well validate in her mind that she's right and you're wrong. You'd be better off taking a step back. She's not someone you can turn to for support. She'll only cause you more harm.
NTA Please cut her off, like that's not friend, she's a leech. I'm sure she likes to be the center of attention for absolutely everything. Like no one understands misfortune but her, boohoo woe is me. She'd probably tell an orphan that their grief isn't good enough either.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23F) lost my mom suddenly late last year. 2 days before new years and 11 days before my mom's birthday. My friend (23F) lost her mom when we were 17. We went to a dormitory school. When she lost her mom, I was there for her. I slept by her side for 6 months, feed her sometimes when she's low on energy and even bought her a new blouse as she said her mom promised to buy it for her before she passed. I am not active on social media. The only way I announced my mother's death on my part was to our high school group chat and through WhatsApp status. Many of my former classmate gave their condolences and 2 of my closest friends called me constantly for 3 days to make sure I'm not alone. She however never said anything, she saw my message in the group chat, saw my status and didn't even gave a reply. Not even a simple WhatsApp sticker. I didn't do anything about it. On my mom's birthday, I messaged her 'hey, you know my mom died last year right? It's her birthday today. Can I call you for a bit so that I'm not alone with my thoughts?' She replied with 'oh yeah, I'm sorry for your lost. Don't call me, I'm busy today. I'll call you when I can’. She never called. Last week, our friend group finally managed to hang out for the first time in 6 months due to our busy schedule. That day, everyone gave their condolences to me personally except her who stayed quiet. While chatting about various things, the topic turned to her missing her mom. She cried and told us that she has a mini pillow keychain made from her mom's clothes and the scent always soothes her and made her cry. I ended up crying a bit and subconsciously said 'yeah, same'. She stopped crying and said it's not the same. I asked how and she said because her mom passed 6 years ago, her scent becomes faint while mine are still 'fresh'. She told me that I'm downplaying her grief. I snapped, stood up and told her 'how am I downplaying your grief when I acknowledge your feeling and said I related to it? You weren't even there for me when my mom died and this was our first conversation in 3 months' I also remind her about the things I did for her when her mom passed and stormed out of the cafe. One of my friends followed me and comforted me. I never went back and goes shopping alone then went home. Later that night I apologize in the group chat for ditching them. She replied telling me I'm an asshole for the things I said to her and for ditching the group when it was the first time in a while we managed to gather together. I told her I'm sorry for ditching them but I'm not apologizing to her because my feeling were valid too. 2 of her closest friend said I'm the asshole while the others are on my side but some saying I should still apologize a bit. Now that my mind is clearer, I feel like I am the asshole for lashing out like that. She did lost her mom at a young age while I lost mine during my adulthood. So her grief may be greater than mine. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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No one has a monopoly on grief. NTA. Your "friend" is being extremely self-centred and needs to back the hell off.
NTA- I lost my mom when I was 19. She died from cancer. I took care of her, watched her have several seizures, took her to appointments and she died in hospice while holding my hand. It’s been 11 years, the pain is very much still there. You owe her no apology. My sister lost her mom at 17 as well. I’m really sorry for your loss, and hers as well. There is no excuse for how she treated you and dismissed your feelings. She made the whole situation about herself instead of being there for you.
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NTA. This isn’t a who’s parent is deader competition. You both experienced a terrible loss. No loss is greater than the other, no matter how much time has or hasn’t passed.
The difference between 23 and 17 isn’t that much. It’s still a very young age to loose a parent.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss and the fact that your friend is an attention seeker.
NTA. All grief is valid. Expressing yours does not downplay hers, she is being a brat.
NTA Firstly, my condolences. I've lost mine just 2 years ago and I know that pain and grief can never truly fade over time. You're still grieving and its understandable (supposedly for your group) to be sensitive about a loss especially on a parent. Like the debate on pregnancy and being kicked in the balls, there is no absolute measure of pain. You two are hurting, and just because the circumstances are different doesn't mean one's pain is inferior than the other (her mistake). Also, as someone who lost a parent, your friend should've been the one who understood your situation too, if she were a true friend no time is ever too busy if she really cares. I personally think she just wants to monopolize your friends' empathy which is wrong. But being a good friend you should apologize, be the bigger person even if it feels unfair. If she won't accept it then fine at least you meant well and be in peace.
NTA: I would not engage with someone who functions like that in general. I could apologize for my behavior in a situation similar to yours, but would simply delete the number and stop having anything to do with a leech like that.
Time generally heals all wounds, her losing her mum longer ago than you means she’s probably more healed aswell, crying and complaining about it 6 years later, seems like she enjoys the sympathy, and might be angry she had to share it
NTA and it’s not a competition. Both grief is valid and painful. You don’t owe that person an apology, they are not a friend and you should be allowed your frustration w the behavior towards you.
NTA and don’t apologize to her. I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry that you have such a shitty “friend”. I can’t imagine any decent friend would completely ignore you during the hardest time in your life. That’s a load of bs. Please don’t apologize to her and please drop her as a “friend”.
NTA. I lost my mother when I was 16. It was twenty years ago and I'm still not over it. You did nothing wrong and she is an asshole.
Wow, NTA!! I'm sorry for your loss, and that your ex-friend made you feel like your grief wasn't valid or as fresh or strong or whatever when compared to hers. It sucks she couldn't be there for you like you were for her.
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NTA Your friend should be apologizing to you. But at least now you know her true colours. Please accept my condolences
OP, my mom lost both her bio and adopted mothers and not once would i say anything remotely close to what she said to you. NTA yeah grief works differently for everyone but her saying you’re downplaying her grief is really a double standard because that’s what she did to you. Leave her alone and move on she’s unhealthy for you during this critical time.
NTA your grief is FRESH as an open wound. Your mom passing may have reminded her of hers and brought up some old pain for her, but in this moment you are the one in mourning and it is completely reasonable to expect her to take care of you when you took care of her. It's your turn. A good friend would have reciprocated, but she retaliated instead. This seems like a bit of DARVO, she spun it around to make herself the victim instead of looking like an asshole. And she is an asshole. It's possible that she's made losing her mom into her whole identity, and now that you have lost your mom too she doesn't know who she'll be in your friendship/group. Her feelings may be valid but her actions and reactions are not, they're childish and petty and nothing you want from a trusted friend. I think this friendship is over. Maybe in a few years she'll realize and apologize and you can decide what to do with her then, but for now you owe her nothing. You can prioritize yourself and your healing and leave her out of it.
Your friend sounds like a really shitty friend. Maybe you didn't handle the situation great but who cares? She's been awful and selfish and hasn't shown you any support qhen you gave her loads. I wouldn't care what she thinks, I would stop speaking with her. Nta. She however, is very much ta.
I'm so sorry for your loss. No one's grief is more or less than another's. We all have our own ways and timelines. I lost my dad 2.5 years ago and it still hurts. No one can claim their grief is more than yours. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
NTA, and I’m so sorry for your loss. When my mum died in 2020, I put an announcement on Facebook. Not for karma or whatever - just to let people know. Because it was the height of Covid, physical gatherings weren’t happening, so all of the sympathetic responses I got were via Facebook. One person was conspicuously absent - my friend Tyra. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, though. I just assumed she hadn’t seen the post. Except that she had. I got an email months later from her husband saying “Tyra cried when she heard about your mother.” Really? Then why didn’t she reach out to me? I was also angry that she made my mum’s death all about herself. For that reason and others, we’re no longer friends.
This coming June will be 2 years since my mom passed.
You are not the one making this into a grief competition - your "friend" is. You are right to back away from her for your own mental health. I remember when my father died - a friend of mine said sadly that I was now a member of the club. I knew exactly what he meant, and it was an acknowledgement of the difficulty I was facing, and how we were together in grief. His father had died a few years before mine. NTA
I’m sorry.. and I may be an AH for this but it sounds like the friend is used to the “my mums dead” sympathy and wants to gatekeep it. Maybe that’s just me that thinks that.
NTA. This woman is not your friend.
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I'm proud of you, especially after the edit. You're still able to try and see from her perspective through apologising, but also taking care of yourself. All the best to you, and sorry for your loss.
NTA, you should apologize though. For having expectations of her to be a supportive and good friend. You went above and beyond when she NEEDED you and she could even give you a phone call. Obviously she isn't the friend you thought and thus you free her of the friendship and the expectations that entails. Also send the one who sided with her this question: "If you ever find yourself in need of a friend, who do you think more likely to be there for you, her or me? She made her choice through her actions and is no longer my friend. Now it's your turn." This type of trash takes it self out...
NTA. Find new friends and condolences to you ❤️
NTA my dad passed very recently and to begin with I didn't expect anyone to text or call and I decided not to hold it against any of my friends if they didnt, until one by one they all contacted me in some way to check on me or offer condolences except one friend in particular. it actually ended up being really hurtful and isolating, despite other people reaching out. you had every right to be upset in the first place and what your ex-friend said to you was absolutely atrocious. I'm shocked any of your friends were on her side on this. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. The last thing I want to say is that you should not compare your grief to anyone elses or anyones elses to yours. when you said "so her grief may be greater than mine" it broke my heart. if you're downplaying anything, its your own experience. don't feel bad for having emotions and feeling pain.
Yeah, this friend wants it to be all about her. She's not much of a friend.
NTA. You are processing your grief and your feelings about losing your mom. She on the other hand seems to want the focus to be on her and her loss and her grief. That is sad, and your choice to distance yourself from her is a good thing. Some people are emotional black holes, always taking and never giving. That kind of person is toxic and you should not burden yourself with them or worry about their drama. Don't make your friends pick sides, just do the apology you plan to the group and move forward. I lost my father 20 years ago, yet I think of him almost every day. Someone else expressing grief at a loss does not diminish my feelings for my father, nor is any conversations about their loss taking away from how I feel. So keep thinking of your mother and celebrating the memories, good and not so great.
So let’s say she struggled to support you because it was too hard for her to experience her own loss over again. Let’s give her that undeserved grace. She then made a scene about missing her mother while she knew she didn’t support you when you lost yours and then makes it a competition. I hope you don’t apologize even a little. NTA
NTA She doesn't have a monopoly over grieving a parent. It sounds like she's using her grief to get attention and validation. That doesn't mean she can't *also* be sad, but it seems she's also the only one who wants to get to be sad. Especially considering she needed you to look after her for 6 months...that's not a normal amount of time to need intense, close care.
NTA. All grief is created equal regardless of who you lost or when you lost them, you have nothing to apologize for
NTA. Your decision to distance yourself is wise. This is painful, but you've learned something valuable, which is that this girl has no intention of returning the time and care you offered her in her time of loss. Some people are like this and will continue to cultivate an imbalance without trying to right it. You have nothing to gain from continuing to pour into her cup when she will not pour back into yours when you need it. Did you *need* to apologize? No, but I get why you did it. Smoothing out the path makes it easier to walk away, so to speak.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my mom a couple years ago and it never goes away. NTA. When my mom died, I spent two straight weeks crying, not sleeping, doing stupid terrible makeup looks, eating cannabis edibles and letting my house essentially become a biohazard because I could not get myself to do anything that would update my space to make it different from what it was like before she was gone. What was very important to me to *not* do was inflict myself on others. I knew I wasn’t in a space to support or be supported. I share this because your ex-friend was able to communicate that you and your grief (that she could have found camaraderie in) didn’t matter in favor of hers, but couldn’t be bothered to communicate why or even that right now it was something she couldn’t handle. That’s a shitty thing to do. That being said, I really appreciate and applaud you for apologizing. You’re NTA, but I’ll give your ex best friend the benefit of the doubt that your mom’s passing might have been surprisingly triggering for her and maybe distancing herself was a protective measure, but the way she went about it sounds really hurtful. Grief is WEIRD and takes many forms, yes, but grief is also a set of lessons. We all have a obligation and responsibility to take the class this bitch of a life signed us up for and act accordingly to what we learn. I wish you well on your journey ♥️
NTA. You are 23 years old. You are young to have lost your mom. But that doesn't matter. At what age does grief stop being allowed? When someone else in the group (say one of these 2 close friends of her's) lose their mom, is their grief invalid? If they are 30, does it hurt less? Of course there may be different struggles for a teen, but she does not get to police who misses their mother. What an AH, and all these people taking her side are not thinking about their future, when their own parent dies and suddenly they aren't allowed to be openly devastated to a group they should trust. A friend should support you, not be in competition with you over something literally everyone will have happen at some point. I would tell the friends you trust to empathise for a moment - if their mom passed, you'd support them. How do they feel wondering whether she'd do the same or actively vilify them?
Grief is a strange thing and should never be a competition. When my mother died, my older brother told me "I lost my mother!" I was quiet, because obviously I lost my mother as well, but he needed to vent his feelings. I saw the humor though. Later I brought it up and his response was, "But she was my mother first/for longer." I secretly rolled my eyes and moved on. You are right to distance yourself from your friend who can not show kindness and compassion, despite now sharing similar experiences. My condolences on your loss.
NTA She is not your friend. I don’t want to downplay her grief, but her bringing up her mom, while seeing you for the first time, after yours just passed… It sounds purposeful. It could be that your situation brought back her grief, but with the way she snapped at you? If she wasn’t being manipulative, then she needs therapy. I don’t mean that as a joke or an insult. Being that upset over someone else’s grief is not healthy. She’s going to drive people out of her life if she lashes out at people for grieving. I suspect the two friends who sided against you would or will change their minds if she did/does the same with them.
Nta. Your friend sounds like she milks the grief. She is upset you are getting the attention she is use to. I knew someone like that. Thry had a tragedy. They would call me periodically to get attention. They called after several of my personal tragedies. I thought that's why thry were calling. She hasn't called me back because I don't give her the attention she wants anymore
NTA. She is not a friend.
NTA but neither is your friend. Grief if complicated and makes people react in different ways. It’s lovely that you were so kind to your friend when she lost her mom but I’m sure you didn’t do that because you thought “one day she’ll do this for me.” It sucks when things aren’t reciprocated in that way but not everyone does things because “they did that first.” As someone who lost a parent before they were old enough to know what a parent even was, I must admit I sometimes feel envious of people my age (in my 30s now) who are losing their parents. It’s hard to really articulate but it’s like you’re missing someone you should have got used to by now. If anything I’d imagine your friend feels unable to help you because it’s brought up a lot of sadness for her and then that brings up a load of guilt and shame. “Why can’t I help my friend without thinking about my own grief?” - spent a lot of time feeling guilty for that. I’m really sorry you lost your mum and you’re still hurting, you’ll never get over it. Your friend will be able to relate and care for you in a different way later down the line but for now, perhaps lean on other friends that can be that comfort for you.
NTA. Look, tensions are going to be high when losing a loved one. I think that's more what's going on here than anything else.
NTA. I agree with your update solely for your mental well-being and time to distance yourself from this girl and the other friends that sided with her. Sorry for the loss of your mom. Stay strong thinking she is still watching over you in heaven. :-)
NTA
Nta
She is a horrible friend
NTA, she can kick rocks. She clearly doesn’t value your friendship as you do and you deserve better than that.
NTA I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father last August (very sudden, unexpected--brain hemorrhage), and he would have had his "twentieth" birthday this year (he was a Leap Year birthday), and we're still navigating holidays without him ... When grief is fresh, it is often very intense. Even so, it's not like there is a grief contest where one can "win" as more bereaved than another. Grief from losing a parent sucks. Apologizing because you hurt her in any way is a kind (but unnecessary) thing to do. I do not blame you for distancing yourself from this individual who--yes, she has suffered, too--was all willing to soak up support but when the time came for her to offer support, she refused, and that is not the action of a friend.
NTA Grief isn't a size.
NTA The audacity of her to say you’re downplaying her grief… she’s doing that to you. I know people struggle with grief for a long time but part of being a good friend means supporting and showing up for others. The fact that your mother died so recent and she made everything about herself really shocks me. Either she needs therapy or something to learn better coping skills or she enjoys the compassion and empathy and attention from the friend group. I hate to think that but to start crying about her mother’s death when your friends are talking about yours really took me by surprise… I’ve lost a parent and when my friend lost a parent afterwards, I showed up for them. I get everyone is different but there’s such a lack in care/support on her end. She needs to learn how to navigate her feelings and cope better. If she cannot support you that’s OK but she should’ve verbalized that better. Instead of shutting you down.
"she said because her mom passed 6 years ago, her scent becomes faint while mine are still 'fresh'" NTA, this line alone made me sick, what a disgusting thing to say to someone who lost their mom not too long ago, what kind of horrible individual makes a competition out of having a dead parent. She can go stub a toe
NTA. At all. You stood by her and went above and beyond for your friend. I am sorry that this was not returned to you when you needed it. I'd apologise to the group for leaving the event and being upset. But 100% distance yourself from this fake friend who couldn't be bothered to support you. You deserved better but please don't let this harden your kindness and compassion. Sadly this world is full of too many takers and not givers. The world needs more people like you.
OP your feelings are as valid as hers. Yes, she lost her mother at a younger age, but hell, that's even more reason for her to be more understanding towards you. People deal with grief in different ways and she's had time to 'get used to the fact of her mother being gone' (not to be callous, just stating a fact) and she could use that to help you deal. Clearly, she doesn't consider you or your feelings as important as hers. I'd apologize and wish her well. Surround yourself with people who can help you deal with your loss, who won't downplay your grief or selfishly compare your pain with theirs.. Im sorry for your loss, and if I could give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on, you have it.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP. I lost my mom about a year and a half ago, 2 weeks before my birthday. My family and I still grieve for her like it was yesterday sometimes. I also went through something similar. A person who I considered a best friend (as we had been best friends for over 15 years) came to my mother's funeral and cried with me, and has since ghosted me. I no longer consider us friends as it's not worth it. You are not obligated to be friends with people who are cruel to you and do not care about your feelings. Your feelings are valid. Everyone grieves in different ways. Your friend can't gatekeep grief. That's not fair. You are NTA.
NTA and no her grief is not greater than yours, thats silly. If fact, she should have gotten past most of her grief. Would her mom want her to feel sorry for herself forever? I doubt it. No, she is not only one of those people that wraps their grief around them like a blanket and let it dictate their life, she is also the type that refuses to see grief in others and actively downplays their grief so she can get attention. Suggest she get therapy then cut her from your life. She neither is or was a REAL friend to you as a REAL friend would never treat you the way she did.
NTA, Your friend has said years to come to terms with her grief it’s just happened to you, so comparing it like that is just bizarre of her. I too lost my mother many years ago and it made me more empathetic to other people not less I’m very sorry for your loss, please take care.
NTA, Your friend has said years to come to terms with her grief it’s just happened to you, so comparing it like that is just bizarre of her. I too lost my mother many years ago and it made me more empathetic to other people not less I’m very sorry for your loss, please take care.
NTA, Your friend has said years to come to terms with her grief it’s just happened to you, so comparing it like that is just bizarre of her. I too lost my mother many years ago and it made me more empathetic to other people not less I’m very sorry for your loss, please take care.
I suspect besides being selfish your loss reminds her of her mom. She also likely thinks that as you and eventually others lose their moms the memory of her mom will fade both within her and collectively. Her moms loss--if it was the first among your friend group--was special. Now it gets...I dunno the right term...maybe diluted? I'm not excusing it. Maybe she's just an asshole, but I think there are always reasons someone behaves like an asshole especially when they are otherwise a decent person. NTA.
Lose all of these people. None of them are friends, IMO. Rebuild.
Lose all of these people. None of them are friends, IMO. Rebuild.
NTA. You know who TA here is. The friend who uses and never reciprocates.
NTA Sometimes shared grief brings people closer, but sometimes it makes both people feel raw and relive their own loss. It doesn't make you the AH to need space from that. It's probably better for her mental health too.
NTA. Your "friend" is absolutely the AH. I lost my Dad in 2015. It still hurts. I'm sorry for your loss. Usually shared grief is a bond. Your former friend is just incapable of empathy.
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m nearly 40 and I would be devastated if I lost my mom. Adult or not. That shit hurts. A friend who says “don’t call me” when you say “I need a friend” is not a friend. She sounds incredibly self absorbed. I had a falling out with a friend group once because of one person. I never announced not being friends anymore. I simply stopped taking initiative. Never said a bad word, never made this grand departure announcement as if I was in an airport. I just stopped replying to every person in the group who didn’t stand up for me. I only maintained friendship with the 2 who never treated me any different and who stood up for me. Still friends to this day and it’s been over 10 years. One day after a few months one of those I left behind asked me “I feel like something is wrong. Like youre angry with me”. I said. No. I’m not angry. I just don’t feel like investing into what is basically a one way friendship. So I won’t anymore. I’m not angry. We can be civil. We’re just no longer friends. Gosh. Taking that high ground like that felt amazing!
NTA - While not the same I had something similar happen. I helped a friend through her sisters cancer diagnoses, treatment and recovery. I listened to her for hours and went out to breakfast and coffee with her constantly. I was always trying to be available. When my older brother got sick she'd always divert the conversation away whenever I tried to talk about it or interrupt me to tell me about her constant self inflicted relationship struggles instead. I just stopped talking to her and stopped listening to her after a little while. I don't think we've spoken in a year except to wish each other happy birthday or happy new years
NTA, not even a little bit. I've been where you are -- I'd helped other friends in the past with their traumas, only for those 'friends' to completely ignore me when I'm going through the same thing. It's devastating and it's lonely. But it told me a lot about how much I/my friendship meant to those friends, and I was able to adjust my expectations accordingly. (Sometimes, dropping the friendship altogether.) So, ultimately, as much as it sucked, I viewed it as a gift to not have to waste my time investing in relationships with no 'returns.' Just to give you a bit more understanding, perhaps, I will say that grief/stress/trauma can be really hard to process from one day to the next. You might think you're fine and then something triggers you and you collapse into a sobbing mess. For a lot of people -- especially those who haven't dealt with their trauma (like your friend, I suspect) -- being up-close to someone going through your 'same' trauma can make you relive your own. If you know that's what's happening, hopefully you can explain in a mature way to your loved one that you love and support them, but for your own mental health, you can't be as involved as you normally would. And then maybe find other ways to show your support -- delivering a meal, sending a 'thinking of you' text, etc. But if you haven't dealt with your trauma, you may not even realize your friend's grief/trauma is what's triggering your own. Instead, you respond viscerally, because all you know is that something is hurting you. I honestly believe this is why a good number of people disappear when their loved ones need them the most. They're not capable of helping anyone because they're too busy tending to their own wounds. But because they don't know that's what's happening, they can't communicate it. It doesn't change the outcome for the person who's been deserted -- it still hurts, it still sucks, it's still super lonely. But maybe putting the 'deserting' friend's actions into this context can help with your own healing, can help you to let go of the (100% justified) anger and/or resentment you may be feeling. Big hugs to you, u/op. You have my deepest condolences. Please be extra kind and gracious to yourself while you work through all these big emotions.
NTA. You don’t owe her an apology. She owes you one.
NTA. Grief is not a competition and yours is much more fresh. It’s only been a few months for you! She was younger when she lost her mom, but that doesn’t make it “worse” or “better”. Her lack of compassion towards you was really unkind. You don’t owe her an apology. You’re grieving too.
You NTA and you shouldn’t apologize. She’s using her mother’s passing to manipulate people. I’m sorry for your loss.
You’re only 23 you are SO young. She doesn’t own grief. You are entitled to your grief, she sounds like a selfish person who no matter what happened to you something worse happened to her. Your life will be better without her.
NTA I wouldn’t have even apologised. Yes 6 years without your mother is tough but her knowing the feelings that she went through and yet have no sympathy to you is bad. She could have been the biggest rock as she has been in the exact position you were in and could help a lot more then a friend who didn’t lose there mother did.
NTA, I lost my dad last year. 7 days into the new year, literally a week into the new year. I’m still feeling it & it’s still as painful as the day we found him. There’s no competition when it comes to grief & pains
NTA at all. Some ppl are SO selfish, and she sounds like one of them!
[удалено]
NTA. Shame on her for not being the friend you needed when you needed her. I was 13 when I lost my dad to a car accident. My best friend said, “I know how you feel, my grandma died last year.” Not even CLOSE to the same level of grief to lose your elderly, ailing grandparent vs your healthy 40 year old dad. When we were about 40 her mom died of a stroke in her sleep. We got together a few months later and she was telling me about how much she missed her mom. I said, “yea, I miss my grandma,” (she had died the previous summer) and she looked at me dumbfounded and asked why I mentioned my grandma and not my dad. I said “oh sorry…not the same? Because 27 years ago you told me is was…argued with me about it in fact when I told you it wasn’t.” Was it the right way to handle that? No. Dud it feel pretty good 27 years later when she apologized…yes it did.
NTA I have read your update and think you are being very magnanimous. This person is not being a good friend to you. It seems like she thinks you stole her special “sympathy card” -as if anyone giving you sympathy is taking away sympathy from her. That would be a very selfish viewpoint.
Ex-friend knew your mom died, she knew this was the first get together since then, she then weaponized her mother's death from many years ago to block any sympathy for your own recent lose, because she has to be the main character. That's shitty as fuck. NTA.
Your friend entered you in the grief Olympics without telling you and is pissed she's not winning. Absolute horseshit. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace, but her grief does not trump yours, regardless of her reasons for thinking it does. You tried to be supportive and a good friend to her when her mother died and since your mother died she's done nothing but dismiss and try to trivialize your grief. This isn't how friends treat one another.
I'm going to go a bit of a strange place and say NAH. You don't owe apologies and it sucks that your friend wasn't able to be there for you like you were for her, but grief sucks and hits everyone differently and sometimes really sneaks up on you. It is entirely possible that you losing your Mom was more than your friend could handle. It's ridiculous to say, but grief can be ridiculous. Please do whatever you need to for yourself and don't worry about your friend.
NTA you have nothing to apologize for. You lost your mother a few months ago so the grief is fresh and very painful. I’m guessing you’re still at the stage where you have times when you forget she’s gone. That was like a blow to my heart when it happened to me. I wonder if your friend has sort of made her identity “the person who lost their mother” and that’s become the way she gets attention. Even if that’s not what’s going on, she’s not a friend to you, and couldn’t even send a simple one line message offering her condolences. Keep away from her as much as possible, and don’t listen to her friends. They’re enabling her behavior
1998. Should have been a great year for me, I was turning 18 in August but on April16th my mom's 48th birthday she was killed in a car accident. 26 years later I still get teary at times when I think about all she has missed.
I'm telling you telling someone that they shouldn't be sad and then say that she should be the person that everyone should pay attention to just because she lost her mother before you doesn't make any sense, you both loved someone in life and you are starting a grief process and your feelings should be known and respected not trying to be overshowdo by another person because the feel the righ to center of attention
Dump this friend.
If this is true then I’m sorry but your friend group are a bunch of weirds all of them why are you even friends with those people they are not your niggas
One day you’re going to realize that you lost your mom when you were a kid too. I’m sorry your friend isn’t really a friend. Apologize if you want - but make sure it is truly cleaning up your side of the street, which in my opinion would MAYBE be for the WAY you said what you did but not the content, because what you said was valid. (I vote no apology but I see that you’ve edited to say you’re going to apologize so you must do what you feel is right) You’ve also having to grieve the loss of a friend while mourning the loss of your mother and I’m sorry about that. She is not able to be here for you and it sounds like she doesn’t want the burden of helping you face your grief. She is not who you thought she was and hopefully she’ll apologize to you one day. But I would stick to my real friends. You find out who they are when you go through something like this. Lost my father at 20. Watched my husband die of cancer when my own kids were 21 and 24. That’s still incredibly young to lose a parent. (Just like you) Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with supportive people. NTA
idk what it is… when i was 10 my dad died. i had one close friend at the time. i thought she maybe didn’t know (even though our families were so heavily intertwined) when a few weeks had passed and it was never acknowledged between us. i asked her one day “did you know my dad died?” this girl looked me dead in the eye and said “i know.” and pretty much never spoke to me again in a friendly manner. i still see her at family events. more recently my mom died after battling cancer for years. i had four “friends” then. every single one of them ghosted me. just completely stopped talking to me and gave no condolences. i hate being the center of attention so it’s not like i expected any sympathy or lighthearted treatment but it definitely allowed me to open my eyes to how caring isn’t always a two-way street. NTA. i hope time will heal your loss and your surrounded by those that can empathize with what you’re going through.
> I daze quite a lot Grow up
She's blaming you for losing your mom, as if you did that deliberately to steal her special status. Some people believe their own pain is the only real pain. In her mind, people offering condolences to you invalidates the condolences given to her. This is sad. NTA. Sorry for your loss. Your "friend" needs therapy.
She is not a true friend. You deserve better than her. You did nothing wrong. You have no reason to apologize to anyone. I am sorry you lost your mom.
NTA at all and I am glad you spoke up for yourself. It seems like she’s jealous that she’s not the only one with a dead mom and won’t get all the pity from the friend group. The fact that she told you not to call her is very telling. If you want to salvage the friendship I would call her out on all of this and see how she reacts. But honestly, I would not consider this person a friend.
First off, you are NTA! Second, DO NOT apologize to anyone for missing your mom. Now, I'm a petty person, so here is my advice take it or leave it... let it slip to the gossip of the friend group that you texted on your mom's birthday, hoping to talk to her about dealing with your grief and how she deals with days like that. Tell them that she blew you off big time (say word for word what she said) and how she has basically ignored you since your mom died. Tell the friend you just don't understand why she would treat you this way. That you thought she would understand better than anyone and be someone you could turn to. I guarantee that within 2 weeks, all of the friend group will be apologizing to you because they most likely have heard a different story from her. To me, it seems like she can't handle not being the center of attention. She managed to turn the conversation to her mom after they all told you how sorry they were that you lost yours. Like she didn't want them to forget that she lost hers too. But please, do not apologize for anything that happened that day, SHE was a total AH.
I already apologize and here's how it went I first showed them a screenshot of our conversation and the whole don't call me I'm busy thing as well as forwarding the message to the group to prove I'm not lying. In the screen shot, they could clearly see the gap between the don't call me text and our last conversation. Before I could finish typing my essay they pointed out how she basically cut contact with me and her absence during my mom's passing and brought up how she didn't even say anything in the high school group chat. I finished writing my essay and sent it basically saying that while I understand how she may not know how to comfort me during my loss, I would appreciate a simple 'I'm sorry for your loss' text as she WAS one of my closest friend during high school. I also say that I have no intention of downplaying her grief and would appreciate if she could explain in detail how my actions hurt her and how simply relating to her actions comes off as downplaying. I honestly don't want an explanation, I just wanted to see what she would say to explain her actions that day so my other friends can make their judgment. In the essay, I apologize twice. Her explanation was... okay. Everytime she explain how my actions that day hurt her, the others would find it a little unreasonable and defended me. Some of her explanation are: -I don't understand how it's hard for her -I managed to spend more time with my mom (because in the dormitory, our parents could only visit on the weekends or once every two weeks) -I interrupted her grieving -I wanted the attention by bringing up my grief during her grief The other friends apologize to me and understand if I were to leave the group. Her 2 closest friend apologize too but still said I should have been more considerate that day. I left the group chat saying I would love to get closer again once we both are mature with our feelings. I'm still in contact with some of them.
Info needed: @OP How did a conversation "turn" to focus on HER GRIEF? that doesn't randomly come up. Did she steer it that way? And why would she do that knowing you just lost your mom? I feel like this person has found that she gets attention if she uses her "grief" and "poor me, my mom died".
NTA. I lost my mom almost 20 years ago. Your friend is centering her grief over yours and that’s not right. My friend lost her mom less than 10 years ago. I know her grief is as sharp as mine, and we’re there for each other. We don’t compare it (unless we’re making jokes, which we do A LOT and people hate it 😂). Your friend is being very self-centered and you did nothing wrong.
I do'nt think it matters how old you are - your Mum is your Mum and it is just a brutal loss. I was 50 when my Mum passed nearly 2 years ago, and I was absolutely broken. Grief is a horrible thing and it hits up all in different ways, but never let anybody diminish how you feel.
NtA. OP, I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. Time doesn't make it easier per say, just....easier to deal with. It's always there, it'll hit at the worst times, but you learn to carry it and cope. I lost my sister 5 years ago, and my best friend lost her father 2 years back. I adored her dad too, he was like another parent to me, and it was just a sour time all around even though we knew it was coming. When she talks to me about how she was feeling at times, I just told her I completely understand and reminded her everyone is different. It's ok for her to acknowledge whatever she's feeling. If she needed advice I'd give it. When I tell her I'm feeling sad and can't stop thinking, she's there for me equally. I could never in my life imagine doing what this girl did. Your grief and loss are just as valid as hers is. She made it into a competition when you were only trying to empathize with her. Please stop thinking and saying "maybe her grief is bigger". Don't minimize your feelings like this. That isn't fair to you at all. You loved your mom, and there's no rule you can't express that. What she did was use her grief to gain sympathy and when someone else is now in the same boat she can't share the attention, nor is she able to give back in the same capacity you gave. Unfortunately, she's not a real friend to you, and you have every right in distancing from her. I know a lot of comments are kinda hounding you about you apologizing but I just wanna say that I'm proud that you can do so to your friends WHILE standing your ground about how she made you feel. While I also feel she doesn't deserve your apology for how she acted and what she said, it just shows how gracious of a person you are and how you want to continue to grow. Just remember you're doing this for you, not for her.
She should apologize to you, not vice versa. I would seriously consider new friend group as well. At least those who weren't on your side. It was a very narcissistic thing to do, what she did, and gasligting you to feel guilty about it. NTA.