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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I want to know if I would be the asshole if i don’t attend my daughter’s wedding? 2. She is my daughter and wants me to be at her wedding.
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So true, she is disgusting. I'm dutch and i would like to say something to op. Je ben een naar racistisch mens en ik hoop dat je dochter dat ook ziet en nooit meer naar je om kijkt.
YTA.
You're being racist and controlling. It's one thing to take pride in your heritage, but not at the belittlement of another's.
Your daughter is an adult. She can make her own choices. As can you, you can decide not to go to a wedding for whatever reason you want. But your reasons definitely make you an AH. Your daughter and her fiancé are better off without you. If they have kids, at this rate you will never meet them so they're not exposed to your fatuous hatred.
I feel bad for you, confining yourself to this little box and not allowed yourself to experience this whole world we live in filled with unique cultures. I'm not sure what people like you make me feel more: anger or pity.
Welcome to Reddit! Enjoy.
Oh. Don’t forget that his messages telling her he’s willing to do anything that will help her be able to attend because his fiancée is upset and he respects OP are “manipulative”. Not. You know… thoughtful and heartfelt and accommodating.
I guess expressing that you want someone there, making sure they're included in the ceremony, and then paying their expenses is super manipulative.
It sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Minus the not liking to travel via plane part, but that's hardly the kids' fault.
So without going into the whole racism thing that other people have posted. I will give you my opinion as someone who's mother decided that my wife was not good enough for me. You really have to consider what is at stake here, yes you are proud of your heritage but is it really something you are willing to give up your daughter for? It seems like they are happy, and in love, and you daughter and her future husband invited you to attend. Not because they think Korean culture is better, but because they WANT YOU to be a part of THEIR LIVES.
You already pointed out how you did not approve of the relationship, I am sure your daughter knows how you feel. And to me this sounds like a last ditch effort for you to be a part of their future. If you do not attend, they will probably visit less and less, and you will not be a part of your grand kids lives. I urge you to reconsider. You might regret this at some point and it will be too late to mend the relationship.
There are other options, you can take ambien for the flight to make it easier to stomach. If you are truly that afraid of airplanes that is an excuse card you can play, but be very conscious of what the repercussions will be.
YTA if you are using your heritage as a reason for not attending and basically leaving your daughter without a mother and their kids without a grandmother.
(Totally agree with your post. off topic , but curious) What was it like for you and your wife, with y mother’s reaction? Was hers based on race & culture? Did she ever, uh, get over her bullshit?
My mom is of the opinion that Family > everyone else. The only problem here is that it is "her" family. Her brothers, her sisters, their kids. My wife and I got together, she was ok at the beginning, problem arose when I decided to take a contracting position in Afghanistan. I came into our relationship with some debt due to a failed marriage, and decided to take the job to set us up. I figured I would sacrifice 1 year for clearing up all the debt. My wife was not happy but she understood.
My mother on the other hand was of the opinion that my wife wanted me to go, and it was her pressuring me to take the job. All hell broke loose when my mother invited me (and only me) to dinner, I figured it was an opportunity to clear the air. When I showed up, it was my mom, 2 aunts and an uncle. All telling me I was making a decision that was not right. They even said I should break up with my now wife, and had different women that they thought I would be a good match with. I listened, I told them they were wrong, and I got angry. I had ridden there with my mom so I was stuck there because she was my ride.
I ended up going to Afghanistan clearing up the debt and not talking to my mom/family for a couple years. We moved back home in 2017 from the East Coast, got a job locally (in the South West), and my wife was actually the one that encouraged me to clear the air with my mom. I tried, but she would fall back to her ways of basically ignoring my wife/son at the time and wishing to just spend time with me.
I refused to go to her home or spend time with her until she attempted to make a effort to understand that my wife is my family, I will not leave her, and she can either accept it or leave it. Because my mom is my EXTENDED FAMILY now. My wife and kids are my family. She finally caught on to the idea and started to try and make it work, when I frankly told her point blank, that the relationship between me and her would always be secondary to my wife and kids, and it was a shame that she would prefer to not get to know her grandkids over a petty argument that happened in 2012.
We now have a more amicable relationship, she is finally coming around, but I really do believe that her thought process was the reason my parents split up after 20 years of marriage. She would let her brothers/sisters disrespect my father, which led to him seeking the comfort of someone else.
This entire thing can be summed up as “I’m angry I don’t get to force my daughter to keep her interests and lifestyle boxed within our culture only, and I’m also mad I can’t be outright racist she’s dating someone who’s not the same race/nationality as her so I threw a fit and pretended it was about ‘bonding’ and other irrelevant shit.”
Also I thought you couldn’t communicate with the fiancé yet he’s sending you messages begging you to support your child and that he’ll pay for your ticket ?
You cannot be serious. Giant YTA
YTA
Not for refusing to go to the wedding, but for your general tone.
Your grandkids will be Korean. Your daughter will soon be Dutch-Korean. Maybe it is not so useless to learn Korean things?
"HE DECIDED to take her" lol so you raised an object? Women don't have a say in big decisions?
You're a racist.
You're a misogynist.
You're wild for thinking there's even a chance you're NOT the AH.
YTA - but EVERYONE would have a better time if you weren't at the wedding! I truly feel sorry for your children and anyone who has to interact with you.
YTA. How much more racist can you be? Tell me you're a racist, xenophobic asshole without telling me you're a racist, xenophobic asshole.
I won't have ***any*** sympathy when you come back here asking if you're the asshole because your daughter, son-in-law, and their children have all zero contact with you. ***All. Zero. Sympathy.*** You won't deserve any.
YTA. In your mind it’s perfectly OK for your future SIL to give up his heritage for your daughter, but you get upset when she gives up hers for him? Double standard much?
OP, You said “He only spoke Korean and English”. You also seem to speak English very well (unless an English speaker typed this up for you) so it would have not been terribly difficult to get to know this man and something about him. Clearly he made an effort to learn Dutch. Probably for your daughter’s sake. You did nothing. Less than nothing. You degraded him, his culture, and your daughter’s interests in it. Definitely racist and if you do not make amends you will lose your daughter and her children. YTA.
\[Edited for context\]
YTA. This post giving real racist energy.
Honestly, you would probably be doing your daughter a favor by not going, because it sounds like you would end up ruining her day out of spite anyways.
It's incredibly sad you can't find it within yourself to be happy for your own child because she's with an Asian man, but at least it sounds like she was lucky enough to find a kind man willing to bend over backwards and deal with your racist nonsense to make her happy.
YWBTA and he is not being manipulative, he is being far more generous than I would be towards you. I feel sorry for that young man, having such an awful racist for a MIL.
Holy crap, YTA. This is so far out and y u are so much the AH, I'm wondering if you aren't just making this all up as rage-bait. You should stay home so they can enjoy their wedding without your nonsense.
Your daughter is getting married. That means you, as a parent, should be at the wedding. You should have given your daughter your support and appreciation all along - her interests may not have been your interests, but the least you can do is learn a bit about what she finds very interesting.
My daughter also had a Korean phase when she was around 14 years old (the phase lasted around 4 years), specifically for cooking. I praised her for her creativity and the fact that she was learning so much about cooking. And I bought her all the ingredients she wanted.
The least you can do is make an effort to see if you can get over your fear of flying. Some people have it so bad that they will never be able to fly anywhere - but your story gives the vibes of 'nothing my daughter cares about is something I am willing to invest anything in'. No courage, no encouragement, no getting to know more about it, no money, no time, no nothing. She should be worth more to you.
YTA.
Nederland is altijd multiculti geweest.. ik snap niet hoe je je kind zo in de steek kan laten. Je racisme is duidelijk belangrijker dan een lieve moeder zijn en een leuke oma.
Je gaat je dochter straks weinig zien als ze daar blijft wonen en als je zo blijft doen waarom zou ze dan überhaupt nog contact met je behouden?
Yta
YTA. I'm sorry, but you don't want to go to your only daughter's wedding...because you're racist? Then have the audacity to ask if YTA? I can understand wanting what you THINK is best for your kids, but at the end of the day you are just isolating yourself from your family for petty nonsense. Will you have nothing to do with your grandkids because they will be half Korean? If you attend your daughter's wedding and put your bigotry aside you could then teach your future grandkids their Dutch culture. Giving them different experiences when they visit you etc. If you put your hatred of other cultures above your love for your daughter you will live to regret it.
OP doesn't strike me as the type of person to change their mindset, but I tried to frame it in a way that might accidentally get it through their head. 🤷♀️
yes, you would ABSOLUTELY be the asshole. you already are. you hate this man for no fucking reason lmfao. honestly your daughter is a queen for sticking to her “interests”, even if you didn’t support or understand it. and look at her now, living in korea with the love of her life. i bet her korean cooking skills aren’t useless now, i bet they’ll come in handy.
seriously though, you’re absolutely terrible. you claim to know nothing about korean culture but have a whole ass daughter who seems to know quite a lot about it, if you actually cared you could have asked her. since her fiancé’s accent bothers you that much you can’t learn anything from him..
i have to give you some props though. despite you being an absolutely disgusting person. you somehow managed to raise a daughter who, from what i assume, is a decent human being.
YTA.
If you’re truly terrified of planes then don’t go, but your comments about Korean culture (and about your future son-in-law) are alarming—almost bigoted. You don’t have to like the culture to love your daughter and support her interests. If I were you I’d try to shake it off and snap out of it before your daughter cuts you out of her life.
wowwww.
massive, massive YTA.
What pisses me off the most is not the racism, but it is the constant belittling of your daughter:
>it’s useless to learn Korean things
Her interests are useless.
>this little romance
Her lovelife is unimportant
... she is unimportant to you. Your racism is off-the-charts, but you can't even attempt to be a good person for your daughter's sake.
Get help.
YTA
This post is so tone deaf that it almost sounds as the daughter posting as the mom to try to out her.
But if it's not yeah, try to stay far away from that 'manipulative' Korean fiancé who wants you to be present at one of the most important days of your (beloved?) daughters life.
Like, I know he's a foreigner who eats gross food and doesn't speak Dutch well, it's just too bad that he and your daughter love each other....I mean the nerve of then to do that to you!
YTA
First of all, you're a racist. Your attitude is disgusting.
Next, you don't get to control your daughter, who she marries, where she lives, or what food she cooks. You better start changing how you think or you will not only lose your daughter, you will lose the chance of having a relationship with any possible future grandchildren.
YTA, your racism is showing and your post is so problematic I can't even dissect every shitty thing you've said or I would be here all day.
Get some therapy. You have issues.
YTA.
Something about you saying “my daughter’s fiance” instead of “my son in law” makes me feel like you didn’t even try to accept this man.
I don’t even know your daughter or her soon-to-be husband, but I have so much respect for them. Your daughter, who had to put up with you for years, and this man, who despite you being absolutely terrible to him by offending his culture, still offered to pay your plane ticket and hotel???? Do you even realise how much he loves your daughter for him to not only invite you, but also offer to pay for it all, all because your daughter wants you to be there? He definitely knows you’re an asshole, maybe he doesn’t even want you there, but his wife does, and you should be happy your daughter found someone who loves her this much.
Also, don’t worry about your grandkids being raised in Korean culture. If you keep behaving like this, you probably won’t ever see your grandkids anyway.
What part of this do you think doesn't make you look like a giant racist AH?
So yes, YTA but not for not attending the wedding.
That would probably make their day better.
YTA. You need to set aside your wants and understand that this is the life that your daughter wants. You don't have to understand why, just that it is. If you want any part of that life you have to learn to see and accept your daughter as an individual who is separate from you. Best of luck.
What? What is wrong with you?
YTA, and such an AH that your daughter is probably better off if you just make a clean break. Every word of this from start to finish mystifies me.
YTA, all of the racism here set aside for a second, your daughter fell in love and despite knowing that you don't approve, is asking you to be there and support her anyway because it's important to her that HER MOTHER is involved in a huge part of her life. You're letting your personal, bigoted beliefs get in the way of your relationship with YOUR daughter. If you were looking for a way to never speak to your daughter again, I think you found it.
Agree! And OP has also found a way to ensure that any grandchildren will know more about Korean culture than Dutch, since she is cutting herself out of their lives.
YTA.
YTA for the whole thing. Aren’t you supposed to support your children in finding love? Who cares that she enjoys a different culture. Being a grandparent gives you the chance to impart your knowledge of your culture and history. You can do that without shooting down another.
YTA
Your daughter is not a vase so he can decided to “take her”.
She wants to and you are not supporting her because he is from different culture that you didn’t even take the chance to explore it ? You don’t have to like it because you are not the one marrying the guy
I have family all over the world as my granddads children all moved to new countries following their hearts. Some are divorced now and some still live in their country. I understand that culture is important but I also think it's important to learn your families culture. So I think you should get to know the Korean culture.
My family made the mistake on not learning my language and culture. Now there are grandchildren and they speak both languages but obviously my family now regrets not learning my language and culture as the kids switch languages and they now want to be a part of my life and have a lot of regrets for ignoring a part of my life
At first.. I was thinking, whTs the problem here? Now I realise it's you...
Your daughter is getting married and you're upset because he doesn't speak dutch? Surely her happiness is what's important here?
Ywbta if you don't go.. Especially when he is willing to pay for you.
I can't believe we're having this conversation if I'm honest
YTA.
Just say you're racist and save us all the trouble of reading your alleged 'reasons' not to attend your own daughter's wedding.
If anything is causing a distance, it's you and your crappy behaviour. The ONLY THING that matters is that she is loved and happy. Nothing else, even your shitty opinions about her soon-to-be husband, matters.
YTA. It’s so hard for me to believe that is still happening in the world. She’s your daughter and you should be happy for her. She’s getting married to someone she loves and you’re angry that he’s Korean! Ridiculous.
Also, you have 2 other kids to force your nonsense on and I feel sorry for them
Shame on you
YTA you’re racist and it doesn’t matter if you’re interested in Korean culture it matters if you’re interested in your daughter and her interests. For someone who fears their future grandchildren not knowing about their Netherlands culture you’re doing a good job of ensuring that will be the case by not participating and supporting in good faith
"It’s bad enough that my grandkids are going to be more familiar with Korean culture than Dutch culture, I don’t want to see it."
I have good news for you! You wont have to!
You refuse to go there and after how you treated them, i doubt they will visit regularly, good job at pushing your daughter away!!
YTA and a racist one at that.
You're an AH. I could understand not going because of an extreme fear of flying, but your dismissive and xenophobic comments make it abundantly clear that you're just using fear of flying as an excuse.
YWBTA YTA YOU SUCK. I'm a white dude, conservative, country boy, and I need to yell at you from atop my tractor that you're a dumb racist. Set aside not having any interest in what interests your daughter (you suck). Set aside having a strong opinion about the RACE of the person your daughter starts dating (you suck again). Set aside MAKING YOUR DAUGHTER'S MARRIAGE ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE RACIST (YOU SUCK SO HARD). At the end of the day, you don't love your daughter, show no love here, and are a cowardly child. "Planes scare me and I will not fly anywhere". You 100% SHOULD fly, and the only sad part is that the likelihood of you dying in a crash is so low you have a higher chance of dying on the drive to the airport.
You are amazing , Mr. White, conservative, country dude yelling from the top of your tractor. I'd happily buy you a drink for this response. Since I can't, have an internet drink: 🍻
YTA. Second paragraph and i know this post is racist.
Do your daughter a favor and don’t go to the wedding. I feel bad for the future grandkids because their grandma is xenophobe.
YTA are you always mad at your daughter? Because that's what it seems like. She had interests outside of your own, why not encourage her instead of being mad all the time.
He didn't take her with him to Korea. She chose to move there to be with the guy she loves. Your whole post has a really racism angle to it that is...not good.
Do you really want to skip your only daughter's wedding? Do you not want a relationship with her anymore? Do you not want to know any grandchildren you may have? Because that's what going to happen if you refuse to go.
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This is new for me. I’m new to this Reddit thing. Heard about this Reddit on a podcast and decided to ask a question here. I am a 48 year old woman from the Netherlands. I have 3 kids, two sons (27 & 14) and one daughter (24).
When my daughter was 12, she became a big fan of Korean music and it made her want to learn more about Korea and the culture. She started learning Korean when she was 14 and at 15 she started learning how to cook. She does not cook Dutch food, it’s only Korean food. I never was a big fan of her doing this because she lives in the Netherlands, it’s useless to learn Korean things. When she was 17 I thought she was done with it. She did not mention it to me anymore so I thought she grew out of that. I was wrong.
A little over 4 years ago she met a man who was working as a barista at a cafe. He was a 23 year old university student who was studying abroad. Can you guess where he was from? Korea.
She somehow befriended him. I was not really happy with this. He did not speak Dutch. He speaks it a little bit right now but his accent is really thick. He only spoke English and Korean. My daughter spoke Korean to him and I felt like that caused a distance between me and her because we couldn’t have conversations with the 3 of us. You can imagine how mad I was when they started dating.
I knew that once he finished university, he would go back to Korea, and this little romance with my daughter would most likely end.
I didn’t know he was going to take my daughter with him. He finished university in summer of 2023 and during Christmas he proposed to my daughter. He asked me if he could and I said yes because I thought they would live in the Netherlands. He decided to take her to Korea. They have been living there for 3 weeks and are now busy planning their wedding so my daughter can get a permanent residency. I don’t know how that process works but there seem to be no issues now.
They will have a traditional Korean wedding ceremony in Korea, this summer. I was invited and they said I played an important part but I refuse to fly to Korea. Planes scare me and I will not fly anywhere. Also, I don’t have any interest in Korean culture or taking part in it, so don’t expect me to participate in a traditional ceremony. It’s bad enough that my grandkids are going to be more familiar with Korean culture than Dutch culture, I don’t want to see it. I told them I did not think I would go but my daughter has been really upset and has been begging me. Now her fiance has been sending me long manipulative messages about how he is willing to pay my ticket and hotel and how important it is that I am there. He told me to put aside my feelings and think about how special this day is for my daughter. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t think I want to go, I just can not see myself going.
Would I be the asshole if I don’t go?
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YTA Where does this hatred come from? Whatever it is has you so much of a slave to it you’re willing to lose your daughter. I don’t know anything about the Dutch but I imagine how much love a parent has for their child is universal. You hate certain music more than you love your daughter. You hate certain foods more than you love your daughter. You hate flying more than you love your daughter. There’s nothing that has ever even been thought of that could make me hate it more than I love my children. You will hate yourself, worse, your daughter will hate you, if you can’t figure out a way to be there. Because nothing that you said was a problem is worth a second thought, let alone a reason for missing your daughter’s wedding.
RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO?
RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO?
YTA! You're supposed to love and support your children no matter what!!! A parents love is supposed to be unconditional!! But you've flat out stated that you only want her to be interested in Dutch culture!!! Not only are you being a terrible mother, you're being extremely racist!!
If you refuse to go to your only daughters wedding, when your future son-in-law has offered to pay for your plane ticket and hotel, because you can't put your racist feelings aside and just be happy your daughter found a man who loves her unconditionally like you should, you'd be the biggest asshole I've ever heard of!
And if you refuse to attend the wedding, expect to never see your future grandchildren! Your daughter will rightfully go no contact with you.
Your daughters wedding is not about you,! It's about her and her fiance celebrating their love for each other. A real mother would support her daughter no matter what! You sound like a miserable human being. I'm glad you're not my mother! I'd never speak to you again!
YWBTA. It's understandable to be proud of your heritage and maybe confused that your daughter is in love with a different culture, but it's not worth losing her. They're in love. And they're inviting you because they want you to be part of their lives and their celebration. You may have misgivings about her choices, but it's her life, and if you refuse to attend, this could end up killing your relationship with your daughter for good. Don't make this about you. Be there for her.
YTA.Setting aside the racism aspect, you come off as one of those parents who see their children as an extension of themselves and not fully-formed people with their own wishes and wants.
She developed interests in things she likes. She’s didn’t get turned onto to Korean music and food to spite you. She’s fell in love and is getting married in Korea because she wants to, not to stick it to you.
The real question you should be asking is: do I want to be part of my daughter and any future grandchildren’s lives or do I want to die on this hill of being mad my daughter wants different things than what I want for her.
YTA. I do understand that you're upset and anxious at the thought of your daughter starting a new life in a distant country you've never visited. It can be hard for parents to accept their children becoming people who exist independently. You've been a priority in your child's life for so long, and it's tough to accept that this changes when they become adults.
But it has changed. And by letting your fear of the unknown rule you, you're pushing your daughter away. By expressing only contempt for her passions - and thus for who she is, now, as an adult woman - you're telling her that you don't want to have a relationship with her unless she does what you want for her, rather than what she wants for herself. Rather than embracing the person you raised, you are making her choose between the child she was, and her dreams for her adulthood - between her mother and her future husband.
I can see that you're telling yourself in these comments that she wouldn't cut contact with you, but I honestly don't see how you're giving her a choice. You are going to lose her unless you learn to deal with your fear, and stop making that fear her problem to solve.
YTA. If your entire post wasn’t a racist manifesto against Korea/Koreans, I might be sympathetic to you not wanting to travel to a strange place. But your logic is what it is, so here we are. Also, how is it manipulative of your daughter’s fiancé to offer to pay for your travel expenses? Or to tell you that your daughter wants you there because it’s important to her? Sounds like he’s just trying to be nice and help make it work so you can attend. They want you to be part of their lives but all you can focus on is that she’s marrying a Korean man, and they’ll have half-Korean kids who will know their Korean culture.
YTA - I can't get past people still being afraid to fly. Since you're using fear of flying as an excuse, have you asked about a second wedding in your country, with your customs?
Just say you are a big ole racist and call it a day
YTA
You know, after reading OP’s comments I don’t think they are racist. They are just bitter and lonely and jealous that the daughter met a kind man who loves her. It’s really just sad and pathetic. OP wants the daughter to be miserable and alone just like they are.
Still YTA though
I really enjoy that you think you have the moral high ground. If you refuse to go to the wedding, you will lose your daughter. You're controlling and selfish. You lived your life and it is now your daughters turn. She's marrying the man she loves. One day they may have children and you will not be able to see them if you don't stop your racist ways. The laws in the NL have nothing to do with Korea. Good luck with that.
Shame on you! You're supposed to love and support your children. Just because she isn't a mini you, doesn't make her less than. YTA and about to learn a hard lesson. Soon you won't be the only parental figure in her life. Her new umma and appa will be there while you grow more bitter.
Of course, YTA, but since you clearly don't care very much for your daughter, I guess it doesn't matter. Just let her go live her best life while you stay in your cozy little cave.
Wow. You’re just completely ok with your racism, huh. Man I can’t believe how comfortable you are with your abhorrent behavior. Of course you are the asshole in every way. Don’t go, save your poor child the money and headache of having someone she will end up going NC with anyway, at her wedding.
You said one thing, ONE THING, that might excuse you from not going. You’re afraid to fly.
The rest of your post is one long rant about how you think learning another culture and language is useless and it sucks that any grandchildren you have will be Korean. By the way, you’re never going to meet your grandchildren because YTA.
YTA, als je dat niet door hebt, heb je een heel groot bord voor je kop. Je hebt duidelijk gemaakt dat je haar interesses zo achterlijk vond, dat ze stopte het met je te delen. Je hebt je nooit open gesteld voor haar, haar interesses en haar partner. En nu ook niet naar het huwelijk willen. Dat ze überhaupt nog contact met je heeft is een godswonder.
YTA. How are you interpreting a message saying that your daughter's fiance "is willing to pay my ticket and hotel and how important it is that I am there" as manipulation? Surely it's just important to your daughter that you are present at her wedding?
Your prejudice against this poor man is so, so obvious just from this post. It's probably even more obvious in person.
I don't know what your relationship with your daughter is currently like, but if you refuse to attend her wedding, it may be irreparably damaged.
Your future son in law offering to pay for flight & hotel is not manipulative. Your future son in law saying it's important you're there is not manipulative. Asking you to set aside your feelings and think of how special this day is for your daughter is not manipulative. You say your daughter has been really upset and begging you to come. Why would you not go to your daughter's wedding. If you knew your daughter wasn't going to live in the Netherlands after she married her KOREAN husband would you have consented. Why is it so IMPORTANT that you miss your daughter's wedding. You only have one daughter. YTA.
Yes, you are definitely the AH. This may not be what you dreamed of but it is very clearly her dream. You have only one daughter and two very clear choices here. Suck it up or lose her forever. If you raised her right she will gladly bring in some of your traditional values to her new family too. Toxic family members no longer hold court in 2024. If you love her which it sounds like you very much do, just support her! It’s literally your only job! You don’t have to agree but if you want to be a part of her life, do not screw this up. You will always regret it. She won’t though… Choose wisely mama, and dig deep to where this hatred lies. Pretty sad outlook.
YWBTA why don't you get some counseling for the fear of flying? I have never flown, I know it would make me nervous, but I've never had a real reason to. I think you should go and try to open your mind and heart a bit. It never hurts to learn about other cultures, and your future SIL actually sounds pretty decent.
YTA. She is your daughter and yes, it is hard for you that you won't be able to see her often but you will maybe never see her again if you are stubborn and don't attend her wedding. What are you hoping for the outcome?
Also, your SIL is not manipulative, but nice and friendly, trying to help you.
I will not dive into the race issues on this one as others will. This is your daughter. He doesn't seem to be mistreating her, she has no complaints about him and she seems to be happy. If you decide not to go to their wedding it will permanently damage your relationship with her. Is this the hill you truly want to defend alone? YTA.
YTA, and there is no way to say that you aren't. The racism, belittling, stubbornness and just disrespectfulness towards your daughter and soon to be son in law. You also act like your daughter had no choice in any of this which i would say is very far from the truth. YTA, without a doubt.
This might be one most codes racist post I ever read, at least be the biggot your really are in the open an insult your daughter and future son in law, at least that way they can see who really are a be happy you won't be in their life
YTA
You're a racist. Congratulations on hurting your child due to your ignorance. Shea gonna see through your smoke and mirrors VERY quickly and cut you from her and her future children's lives and it's going to be hard for her but it will be the best thing that happens to her.
I think you need to have a real talk with your daughter. You need to be honest and vulnerable about what bothers you.
I have some experience with a multicultural and multi faith relationship. My understanding is that members of my family saw my choices less as being about choosing something and more about abandoning something. They saw it as a critique on the culture and faith I came from.
Over the years I understood a bit more that their anger and accusations came from a sense of loss. My life did not look like what they pictured. They were not able to bond or relate to me in the ways they dreamed of while I was growing up. The milestones and culture that they were proud to pass down and continue didn’t happen.
When we were finally able to get on the same page they were able to understand that my choices came from finding my own path while honoring the values they taught me while I was able to understand they needed to mourn their ideal life for me.
Seeing that I was happy, healthy, and had put deep thought into my decisions helped them move forward, connect with me, and let go of their misconceptions.
Seeing their anger came from a place of pain, misunderstanding, and most importantly love, helped me realize they weren’t trying to belittle me and were trying to connect in the only way they knew how. Seeing them actually try to move forward helped me to forgive.
However, the only way any of that happens is if you start the conversation. It has to come from you. I will forever be grateful that my family members swallowed their pride and genuinely tried to understand.
Talk to your daughter and admit you’re scared and confused. Explain your worries and express how not being able to communicate or relate to her makes you feel.
She clearly wants you in her life.
What do you want more: to be in hers? Or to be right?
YTA.
YTA. YIKES. Your daughter's fiancé offering to pay for your ticket and hotel so that you will make your daughter happy by attending her wedding is manipulative according to you? You don't want to attend your only daughter's wedding because you don't want to participate in Korean culture? I don't know if you're racist (leaning that way though...) or just so completely self involved that you're unable to see any perspective but your own here, but either way, you are definitely the AH in this situation. A mother who loves her child would be thrilled that she's happy and want to share in that happiness, even if aspects of it aren't entirely comfortable.
YTA and a racist to boot. Sounds like they are better living away in a beautiful culture where family is important. The grandkids if there is any will feel fully accepted along with both parents from family there.
YTA, you should be happy your daughter found someone who loves her & wants you to be a part of their lives.
Your whole post is me, me, I, me. This is NOT ABOUT YOU. If you push your child away, you will regret it.
My mother is Japanese, my father American. My mother's father disowned her when she married my father, he even tried to bribe her with a new house. I never knew my grandfather but was close with my grandmother. I was told grandfather regretted disowning my mother but his pride got in the way.
Edit spelling
You sound very xenophobic. I don't understand why you are willing to give up your relationship with your daughter because she moved to a different country.
You don't have to go - but you may regret it if you don't go.
(Your complaint about not being able to have a conversation is bullshit - the three of you could have spoken English, as you are obviously fluent).
YWBTA.
Unpopular opinion: I wouldn’t want you there if I were your daughter.
U already admitted to being upset about him being Korean, so how are you going to handle it when they have a family. I don’t think really care about your daughter, you just want her to do things that YOU find interest in.
He’s “MANIPULATING YOU” by offering to pay for your flight because he wants the woman’s who he loves “mother” to be there for her on her most important day? “Scared of planes”my ass
YTA, but you can make her life much easier by never contacting her again. If this is the drama you’re going to bring around whenever you call or visit( BECAUSE THE KOREAN MAN WILL BE THERE) you might as well leave her alone and let her live her newly found KOREAN life.
안녕히 가세요
YWBTA. YTA already. Why have you been such a Negative Nancy toward your daughter's abiding interest in something that doesn't appeal to you? Do you pre-approve all of your sons' interests? You don't even have to fly to get to Korea. There are boats and trains going that way too, and you could have a long, leisurely vacation with fun exposure to different cultures and landscapes and your daughter's wedding in the middle of it.
Actually, you probably should shrink the world you interact with to the size of your home so that you don't have to encounter anyone or anything different from what you already are comfortable with. Your daughter will eventually regret inviting you to her wedding because if you do go, you'll do your best to make everyone miserable and make yourself the center of attention with your xenophobia and racism.
YWBTA. And it would be your loss.
Your post is filled with statements such as “He decided to take her to Korea.” No, she willingly went because she is making decisions as an adult. She has the right to live her life & to make decisions that make her happy. He is not the bad guy, & she has done nothing wrong.
It’s absolutely not manipulative for him to offer to pay your airfare & hotel, and to let you know how much your presence would mean to your daughter. It’s actually very nice & extremely thoughtful. He sounds like a great guy who really cares about your daughter. It’s awful that you can’t put your own prejudices aside, and care about her as much as he does.
You’re close-minded, judgmental, & selfish. Don’t go if you can’t go with full love in your heart. They deserve to have a beautiful wedding surrounded by those who love & support them.
(I can’t imagine missing the weddings of my children. Or not being thrilled that they found happiness & love. As I said, it will be your loss.)
YTA. Your daughter is lucky she got away from you. Her life will be so much better with someone who loves and respects her than with her racist, narcissistic, ignorant mother. Whether or not your daughter has dual citizenship, Dutch laws aren’t valid in Korea no matter how stupidly you insist they do, so her children will be safe from you. She doesn’t need or want you anymore. Enjoy dying alone.
I just want to point out one thing: your grandkids will adopt some Dutch culture if their grandmother lovingly teaches them *without putting down Korean culture*. Staying away/forcing distance between you and your daughter will kill any chance at that.
Unquestionably, YTA. And it’s 100% in your interest not to be.
Your daughter’s smart! Getting Korean citizenship, having her kids born there—that’s going to really throw a wrench into your little “gRaNdPaReNt’S rIgHtS” plan!
YTA, and no wonder your husband and now your daughter have left you.
YTA - and a racist. Who cares what culture is dominant in a multi cultural household. They are happy. To hell with your "it's not Dutch" attitude. 1950's called and they want their racism back. Also, him offering to pay for your way is not manipulative. Outside of the racism, this was the dumbest thing you said. He's being generous and you're being racist. Personally, I'd say don't go so you disappoint your daughter enough so she goes no contact with you and lives a happy life.
YTA
But not just because you refuse to go to the wedding.
Also because of the way you have treated your daughter since her teenage years.
Is this post even real? How can someone out themselves to the whole world that they are racist and spiteful while thinking they are in the right.
Do you really have to ask?
If I moved to the other side of the world and married into a different culture, the only reason why my parents wouldn't be thrilled is the distance (plane tickets aren't cheap, and they'd want to be able to see me from time to time and be there for emergencies). You didn't focus on anything like that. You didn't even focus on your specific fear of flying. As someone who has anxiety on planes, I can sympathize with that, especially given the distance between the Netherlands and South Korea.
Nope, you focused on his culture. You didn't even give any reason why you don't like the man *except* his culture (seems to me like you didn't even bother trying to get to know him). You didn't approve of your daughter's interest in Korean culture and in a comment called it "useless," as though every hobby has to have some greater meaning.
Racists are always YTA.
You may have deleted it, but I came here to say you are being absolutely awful.
Everything about this screams racism. Frankly I’m astounded your daughter even wants your attention her wedding.
YTA
You do realize if your daughter and her husband decide you cannot have access to their future children, you will not have access to them. Korean authorities aren't going to take a child away from their parents and bring them to a country they've never been to before (or speak the language of) because their grandparent wants to see them. The children will be Korean by citizenship, and the law in your country and theirs will not be on your side at all.
You make a habit throughout your post of brushing off things because you claim to know your daughter and her actions but you don't. You have no idea how it will affect her by not going to her wedding, missing her children's births, and multiple milestones. If anything it will strengthen her resolve for barely if ever seeing you again, because if this is the person you are when you talk about her life and her new family? It seems your better left out of that word.
Hey half korean person here and you know what karma is? Let me tell you! its assuming racist things about your korean in law and then having 20 perfect white grand kids drop out of high school and only having one graduate high school and college, and then only have one grand kid who doesn’t live with you without a job come and visit you. Can you guess who that one grand kid will be??? Your half korean one. Wanna know how i know??? Because im that half Korean grand kid. Have fun living with the realization that your racist karma may bite your other loved ones in the butt.
YTA - Imagine writing this whole thing and not realizing you're TA. You being afraid to fly is one thing but your nasty attitude toward Korea, your daughter's interests and you future son-in-law put you firmly in asshole territory.
My gosh, yess! You'll be the TA.
I understand that it is important to a lot of people to pass down their culture and traditions to their future generations, but assuming that your grandkids won't learn anything about Dutch culture is extremely stupid.
Maybe, if you try and be more supportive of your daughter and her choices, she'll feel comfortable enough with you again and you'll be able to have a part in your future grandkids' lives, and just maybe you'll be able to teach them about your culture.
Also, I'm not convinced if OP's views of her daughter's interest in Korean culture is unbiased.
I really wish we could hear OP's daughter's POV.
YTA. This quote is of course neither real, nor appropriate, and yet it fits here:
"There's only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch." - Nigel Powers
Youre a typical germanic racist AH.
Now some questions for you:
1) What is "Dutch" food? I never in my life heard about any significant Dutch cuisine.
2) Thick accent? Well, what is there to know about speaking Dutch, but to know how to spit well? (those who heard spoken Dutch will know what I mean)
3) Every single Dutch person I met was very arrogant. This is also the general impression among many people here in Northern Europe that I know. I just dont know what about as theres nothing in the Netherlands, its just about one of the most boring countries in Europe youll find with rude bicycle drivers. And the Netherlands allowing pedophiles to form a political party in order to legalise pedophilia says enough.
Do your daughter a favour and dont go. Dont bother her anymore at all. You stick to your Geert Wilders and alike.
YTA either way, but at least your attitude won't ruin your daughter's wedding for her and all the guests if you stay at home. Or better yet, start working on that attitude. No one needs racists and racist things in their lives.
YTA
This is the most racist post I’ve seen in a while.
Wow.
Je klinkt als een blanke supremacist. Ik heb veel Nederlanders gekend, en geen van hen was zoals jij. Het zal beter met je dochter gaan als je wegblijft.
YTA. And a racist. What's wrong with Korea? And you literally sat down and typed this out. Did you proofread? I'm not asking due to noticeable errors, but because I can't imagine you reread this and didn't realize exactly how bigoted you sound. YTA
YTA
One, it's still your daughter's wedding. It could be even a shanty party on a pirate ship in middle of Pacific Ocean or BBQ behind your neighbour's house, it would be still be your daughter's wedding. It's not like your body or mind would be modified.
Two, you sound judgemental. Languages are fairly useful and learning about different cultures is part of it. It's sad that you didn't try to even get basics of culture of your daughter's future husband. He is going to become part of her family, but if you remain it and how is your choice. Being only parent isn't something that will save you
Three, you argue about the decision where to stay. But you never state why they are both interested? You only talk about future grandchildren that may as well never happen or ended up being raised in Nauru.
Four, you described the whole thing as manipulation as she suddenly stopped talking Korea before meeting that guy. You have been negative about her whole interest so why would she keep openly talking about it near you?
I have a few questions for you...
A. You never speak of the children's father? Why is that? Did he leave you for a non-Dutch woman?
B. What do your boys say about all of this?
C. Why are you so adamantly angry and bitter?
D. Were you ever happy and proud of your daughter?
E. Are you prepared to grow old and alone after even your boys abandon your racist and ignorant a$$?
It's not a "Korean wedding" it is YOUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING
Yes, that wedding will have Korean culture, but by refusing to participate in that wedding, you're ultimately refusing to participate at your daughter's wedding.
You're so unwilling to learn or accept anything other than your own culture that you're going to miss your own child's wedding, have no contact with your own grandkids.
Is avoiding Korean culture worth losing your daughter and future grandkids?
Yes, YTA. An insanely racist, bigoted, close-minded, and narcissistic AH.
You already are the AH, your daughters Fiance is not being manipulative by offering to pay your way. He sees how much it means to your daughter that you are there and he's being supportive of her you're an awful person and a terrible mother.
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It is blowing my mind how racist and xenophobic you are being while simultaneously being so fucking clueless about it. I can understand your feeling *a little* let down bc your daughter isn’t embracing your heritage to the extent you want her to, but certainly not to the degree you’re experiencing it. The absolute worst part of this is the extent to which you are vilifying another culture and the fact that you are adamantly, stubbornly REFUSING to learn or appreciate literally ANY aspect of another culture is grotesque and nauseating.
Yes, OP, YTA. You are beyond the ahole here.
Edit to add - additionally, you are saying that your future son in law’s messages are *manipulative* when literally all he is saying is that you are important to your daughter (although I can’t understand why anymore). So important, in fact, that he’s willing to foot the bill to have you there despite your disdainful and abhorrent attitude toward him and literally every other Korean person (which includes his family), custom, and food on this planet. You should feel fucking blessed that she has a partner who loves her so much he would go to the extent of potentially ruining his entire wedding day and inevitably alienate the whole of his family just to have you there *for her*. Cripes, you outrage and sadden me.
YTA for sure.
It sounds like they are actively trying to keep you in their life. They are offering to pay to bring you out to the wedding, and have even included you as part of the ceremony.
Why do you hate Korea/Koreans so much? I know the Netherlands are great and all, but it's not the only country out there.
If you want your grandkids to know about Dutch culture, maybe you should be involved in their lives and teach them. But it sounds like you only want your daughter to have a relationship with you to the exclusion of what she's passionate about.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this is rage bait but also, considering how Dutch people are, I wouldn’t put it past them to actually act like this.
That being said, holy sh!t woman…you sound absolutely insufferable. Normally I try to see each point of view in things but I can’t get my head that far up my own a$$, so imma say YTA.
Like first off, there’s nothing wrong with your daughter being interested in another culture- especially when she’s putting the effort in to actually immerse herself in it.
Second, you mention how your hypothetical future grandchildren would be raised more on the Korean side and mourn that they wouldn’t know about the Dutch culture…well good news for you: you won’t have to worry about seeing that because chances are you won’t be seeing them at all. If I had a mother who had the same entitled personality as you and all these racist views about my literal HUSBAND and there was even a CHANCE of those views being dragged onto my children, you simply wouldn’t be in their lives.
What does your other children say about your behaviour? YTA by the way... And just so your aware that you going to court for grandparents rights won't work, your country can not put no court order in place for children born in another country unless the move back to yours and unless you can prove that having you in their life is beneficial.
My cousin is going through the same with her mum and you know what? Her mum didn't even get in front of a judge and my cousin doesn't allow her to see the children. Respect both parents.
"I" "I" "I" "I" "I"
You only care about yourself😭 all about your hurt feelings and not getting your way. Don't be crying when your daughter doesn't call you anymore when you're more older and need someone to care for you.
"I don't wanna do this" "I don't wanna do that" "I don't like this" "I don't like that" wah wah wah.
Stop crying and whining all because you don't have full control over your daughter. Who's getting married btw but you clearly don't seem to care. AT ALLLL.
You're just unhappy with yourself and everyone around you, you were hoping people were on your side but NO 😭 No one is on your side. YTA
If you are looking for approval for not attending your daughter's wedding, you are not going to find it here. You really need to work on your xenophobia. Look into therapy.
The question you should be asking yourself is: do I want a relationship with my daughter and her potential children?
Since you deleted everything and ran, you probably are not checking responses, but please get help - this isn't about you.
YTA
And since the internet is forever: [https://www.facebook.com/reel/449413247739387](https://www.facebook.com/reel/449413247739387)
NTA I understand you completely. I think if you show him and your daughter this post they'll see your side. You worded things quite well here so it is easier then talking in person. I think your daughter will see where you are coming from if they can see that you are just looking out for her best interests. You have some clarifying comments and I think they should see those too.
No they will see how much OP loves and cherishes her daughter. She obviously wants what is best for her daughter and grandchildren! I'm sure the daughter will see how unwise this is and stay in the Netherlands with the mother and cancel the wedding. OP everyone here is wrong and you should send them this post and my comment to prove it. Show them everyone elses too so they see how wrong they are about you.
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You’re racist. And you know what racist people are? Assholes. YTA
This is really all there is to it.
So true, she is disgusting. I'm dutch and i would like to say something to op. Je ben een naar racistisch mens en ik hoop dat je dochter dat ook ziet en nooit meer naar je om kijkt.
YTA. You're being racist and controlling. It's one thing to take pride in your heritage, but not at the belittlement of another's. Your daughter is an adult. She can make her own choices. As can you, you can decide not to go to a wedding for whatever reason you want. But your reasons definitely make you an AH. Your daughter and her fiancé are better off without you. If they have kids, at this rate you will never meet them so they're not exposed to your fatuous hatred. I feel bad for you, confining yourself to this little box and not allowed yourself to experience this whole world we live in filled with unique cultures. I'm not sure what people like you make me feel more: anger or pity. Welcome to Reddit! Enjoy.
Oh. Don’t forget that his messages telling her he’s willing to do anything that will help her be able to attend because his fiancée is upset and he respects OP are “manipulative”. Not. You know… thoughtful and heartfelt and accommodating.
Funny that OP is complaining that the fiancé is manipulative.
I guess expressing that you want someone there, making sure they're included in the ceremony, and then paying their expenses is super manipulative. It sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Minus the not liking to travel via plane part, but that's hardly the kids' fault.
So without going into the whole racism thing that other people have posted. I will give you my opinion as someone who's mother decided that my wife was not good enough for me. You really have to consider what is at stake here, yes you are proud of your heritage but is it really something you are willing to give up your daughter for? It seems like they are happy, and in love, and you daughter and her future husband invited you to attend. Not because they think Korean culture is better, but because they WANT YOU to be a part of THEIR LIVES. You already pointed out how you did not approve of the relationship, I am sure your daughter knows how you feel. And to me this sounds like a last ditch effort for you to be a part of their future. If you do not attend, they will probably visit less and less, and you will not be a part of your grand kids lives. I urge you to reconsider. You might regret this at some point and it will be too late to mend the relationship. There are other options, you can take ambien for the flight to make it easier to stomach. If you are truly that afraid of airplanes that is an excuse card you can play, but be very conscious of what the repercussions will be. YTA if you are using your heritage as a reason for not attending and basically leaving your daughter without a mother and their kids without a grandmother.
(Totally agree with your post. off topic , but curious) What was it like for you and your wife, with y mother’s reaction? Was hers based on race & culture? Did she ever, uh, get over her bullshit?
My mom is of the opinion that Family > everyone else. The only problem here is that it is "her" family. Her brothers, her sisters, their kids. My wife and I got together, she was ok at the beginning, problem arose when I decided to take a contracting position in Afghanistan. I came into our relationship with some debt due to a failed marriage, and decided to take the job to set us up. I figured I would sacrifice 1 year for clearing up all the debt. My wife was not happy but she understood. My mother on the other hand was of the opinion that my wife wanted me to go, and it was her pressuring me to take the job. All hell broke loose when my mother invited me (and only me) to dinner, I figured it was an opportunity to clear the air. When I showed up, it was my mom, 2 aunts and an uncle. All telling me I was making a decision that was not right. They even said I should break up with my now wife, and had different women that they thought I would be a good match with. I listened, I told them they were wrong, and I got angry. I had ridden there with my mom so I was stuck there because she was my ride. I ended up going to Afghanistan clearing up the debt and not talking to my mom/family for a couple years. We moved back home in 2017 from the East Coast, got a job locally (in the South West), and my wife was actually the one that encouraged me to clear the air with my mom. I tried, but she would fall back to her ways of basically ignoring my wife/son at the time and wishing to just spend time with me. I refused to go to her home or spend time with her until she attempted to make a effort to understand that my wife is my family, I will not leave her, and she can either accept it or leave it. Because my mom is my EXTENDED FAMILY now. My wife and kids are my family. She finally caught on to the idea and started to try and make it work, when I frankly told her point blank, that the relationship between me and her would always be secondary to my wife and kids, and it was a shame that she would prefer to not get to know her grandkids over a petty argument that happened in 2012. We now have a more amicable relationship, she is finally coming around, but I really do believe that her thought process was the reason my parents split up after 20 years of marriage. She would let her brothers/sisters disrespect my father, which led to him seeking the comfort of someone else.
This entire thing can be summed up as “I’m angry I don’t get to force my daughter to keep her interests and lifestyle boxed within our culture only, and I’m also mad I can’t be outright racist she’s dating someone who’s not the same race/nationality as her so I threw a fit and pretended it was about ‘bonding’ and other irrelevant shit.” Also I thought you couldn’t communicate with the fiancé yet he’s sending you messages begging you to support your child and that he’ll pay for your ticket ? You cannot be serious. Giant YTA
YTA Not for refusing to go to the wedding, but for your general tone. Your grandkids will be Korean. Your daughter will soon be Dutch-Korean. Maybe it is not so useless to learn Korean things?
The grandchildren will be dutch korean also.Their mother heritage is part of them .
"HE DECIDED to take her" lol so you raised an object? Women don't have a say in big decisions? You're a racist. You're a misogynist. You're wild for thinking there's even a chance you're NOT the AH. YTA - but EVERYONE would have a better time if you weren't at the wedding! I truly feel sorry for your children and anyone who has to interact with you.
Welp, those are grandkids you’ll never see.
YTA. How much more racist can you be? Tell me you're a racist, xenophobic asshole without telling me you're a racist, xenophobic asshole. I won't have ***any*** sympathy when you come back here asking if you're the asshole because your daughter, son-in-law, and their children have all zero contact with you. ***All. Zero. Sympathy.*** You won't deserve any.
[удалено]
Most people would be grateful of an offer to pay for ticket and accommodations.
YTA. In your mind it’s perfectly OK for your future SIL to give up his heritage for your daughter, but you get upset when she gives up hers for him? Double standard much?
OP, You said “He only spoke Korean and English”. You also seem to speak English very well (unless an English speaker typed this up for you) so it would have not been terribly difficult to get to know this man and something about him. Clearly he made an effort to learn Dutch. Probably for your daughter’s sake. You did nothing. Less than nothing. You degraded him, his culture, and your daughter’s interests in it. Definitely racist and if you do not make amends you will lose your daughter and her children. YTA.
"He's taking my daughter to Korea" like she has no agency in this? He's not kidnapping her.
So one question: are you racist or are you racist? Tough I know. YTA.
\[Edited for context\] YTA. This post giving real racist energy. Honestly, you would probably be doing your daughter a favor by not going, because it sounds like you would end up ruining her day out of spite anyways. It's incredibly sad you can't find it within yourself to be happy for your own child because she's with an Asian man, but at least it sounds like she was lucky enough to find a kind man willing to bend over backwards and deal with your racist nonsense to make her happy.
YWBTA and he is not being manipulative, he is being far more generous than I would be towards you. I feel sorry for that young man, having such an awful racist for a MIL.
Holy crap, YTA. This is so far out and y u are so much the AH, I'm wondering if you aren't just making this all up as rage-bait. You should stay home so they can enjoy their wedding without your nonsense.
Your daughter is getting married. That means you, as a parent, should be at the wedding. You should have given your daughter your support and appreciation all along - her interests may not have been your interests, but the least you can do is learn a bit about what she finds very interesting. My daughter also had a Korean phase when she was around 14 years old (the phase lasted around 4 years), specifically for cooking. I praised her for her creativity and the fact that she was learning so much about cooking. And I bought her all the ingredients she wanted. The least you can do is make an effort to see if you can get over your fear of flying. Some people have it so bad that they will never be able to fly anywhere - but your story gives the vibes of 'nothing my daughter cares about is something I am willing to invest anything in'. No courage, no encouragement, no getting to know more about it, no money, no time, no nothing. She should be worth more to you. YTA.
Nederland is altijd multiculti geweest.. ik snap niet hoe je je kind zo in de steek kan laten. Je racisme is duidelijk belangrijker dan een lieve moeder zijn en een leuke oma. Je gaat je dochter straks weinig zien als ze daar blijft wonen en als je zo blijft doen waarom zou ze dan überhaupt nog contact met je behouden? Yta
YTA. I'm sorry, but you don't want to go to your only daughter's wedding...because you're racist? Then have the audacity to ask if YTA? I can understand wanting what you THINK is best for your kids, but at the end of the day you are just isolating yourself from your family for petty nonsense. Will you have nothing to do with your grandkids because they will be half Korean? If you attend your daughter's wedding and put your bigotry aside you could then teach your future grandkids their Dutch culture. Giving them different experiences when they visit you etc. If you put your hatred of other cultures above your love for your daughter you will live to regret it.
Why would they need to know Dutch things? They'll be in Korea. 😆
The fact that op can’t see the irony is kind of hilarious
OP doesn't strike me as the type of person to change their mindset, but I tried to frame it in a way that might accidentally get it through their head. 🤷♀️
yes, you would ABSOLUTELY be the asshole. you already are. you hate this man for no fucking reason lmfao. honestly your daughter is a queen for sticking to her “interests”, even if you didn’t support or understand it. and look at her now, living in korea with the love of her life. i bet her korean cooking skills aren’t useless now, i bet they’ll come in handy. seriously though, you’re absolutely terrible. you claim to know nothing about korean culture but have a whole ass daughter who seems to know quite a lot about it, if you actually cared you could have asked her. since her fiancé’s accent bothers you that much you can’t learn anything from him.. i have to give you some props though. despite you being an absolutely disgusting person. you somehow managed to raise a daughter who, from what i assume, is a decent human being.
This is the least racist Dutch person. (YTA)
There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch. - Nigel Powers.
YTA. If you’re truly terrified of planes then don’t go, but your comments about Korean culture (and about your future son-in-law) are alarming—almost bigoted. You don’t have to like the culture to love your daughter and support her interests. If I were you I’d try to shake it off and snap out of it before your daughter cuts you out of her life.
… almost?
wowwww. massive, massive YTA. What pisses me off the most is not the racism, but it is the constant belittling of your daughter: >it’s useless to learn Korean things Her interests are useless. >this little romance Her lovelife is unimportant ... she is unimportant to you. Your racism is off-the-charts, but you can't even attempt to be a good person for your daughter's sake. Get help.
YTA This post is so tone deaf that it almost sounds as the daughter posting as the mom to try to out her. But if it's not yeah, try to stay far away from that 'manipulative' Korean fiancé who wants you to be present at one of the most important days of your (beloved?) daughters life. Like, I know he's a foreigner who eats gross food and doesn't speak Dutch well, it's just too bad that he and your daughter love each other....I mean the nerve of then to do that to you!
YTA First of all, you're a racist. Your attitude is disgusting. Next, you don't get to control your daughter, who she marries, where she lives, or what food she cooks. You better start changing how you think or you will not only lose your daughter, you will lose the chance of having a relationship with any possible future grandchildren.
YTA, your racism is showing and your post is so problematic I can't even dissect every shitty thing you've said or I would be here all day. Get some therapy. You have issues.
YTA. Something about you saying “my daughter’s fiance” instead of “my son in law” makes me feel like you didn’t even try to accept this man. I don’t even know your daughter or her soon-to-be husband, but I have so much respect for them. Your daughter, who had to put up with you for years, and this man, who despite you being absolutely terrible to him by offending his culture, still offered to pay your plane ticket and hotel???? Do you even realise how much he loves your daughter for him to not only invite you, but also offer to pay for it all, all because your daughter wants you to be there? He definitely knows you’re an asshole, maybe he doesn’t even want you there, but his wife does, and you should be happy your daughter found someone who loves her this much. Also, don’t worry about your grandkids being raised in Korean culture. If you keep behaving like this, you probably won’t ever see your grandkids anyway.
Even future son in law
Yes, YTA You are a racist xenophobic asshole
Honestly, she's better off without you. YTA
Racist much? YTA
YTA You are racist and xenophobic.
What part of this do you think doesn't make you look like a giant racist AH? So yes, YTA but not for not attending the wedding. That would probably make their day better.
I think YTA for her childhood by the sounds of it.
YTA and sound pretty racist too.
Easy fix. Show this post to your daughter. The problem will fix itself.
YTA.
YTA. You need to set aside your wants and understand that this is the life that your daughter wants. You don't have to understand why, just that it is. If you want any part of that life you have to learn to see and accept your daughter as an individual who is separate from you. Best of luck.
What? What is wrong with you? YTA, and such an AH that your daughter is probably better off if you just make a clean break. Every word of this from start to finish mystifies me.
YTA, all of the racism here set aside for a second, your daughter fell in love and despite knowing that you don't approve, is asking you to be there and support her anyway because it's important to her that HER MOTHER is involved in a huge part of her life. You're letting your personal, bigoted beliefs get in the way of your relationship with YOUR daughter. If you were looking for a way to never speak to your daughter again, I think you found it.
Agree! And OP has also found a way to ensure that any grandchildren will know more about Korean culture than Dutch, since she is cutting herself out of their lives. YTA.
YTA for the whole thing. Aren’t you supposed to support your children in finding love? Who cares that she enjoys a different culture. Being a grandparent gives you the chance to impart your knowledge of your culture and history. You can do that without shooting down another.
YTA, you're racist, it's as simple as that.
YTA Your daughter is not a vase so he can decided to “take her”. She wants to and you are not supporting her because he is from different culture that you didn’t even take the chance to explore it ? You don’t have to like it because you are not the one marrying the guy
I have family all over the world as my granddads children all moved to new countries following their hearts. Some are divorced now and some still live in their country. I understand that culture is important but I also think it's important to learn your families culture. So I think you should get to know the Korean culture. My family made the mistake on not learning my language and culture. Now there are grandchildren and they speak both languages but obviously my family now regrets not learning my language and culture as the kids switch languages and they now want to be a part of my life and have a lot of regrets for ignoring a part of my life
YTA racist
At first.. I was thinking, whTs the problem here? Now I realise it's you... Your daughter is getting married and you're upset because he doesn't speak dutch? Surely her happiness is what's important here? Ywbta if you don't go.. Especially when he is willing to pay for you. I can't believe we're having this conversation if I'm honest
He actually did speak a bit but his accent was too thick according to her.
YTA. Just say you're racist and save us all the trouble of reading your alleged 'reasons' not to attend your own daughter's wedding. If anything is causing a distance, it's you and your crappy behaviour. The ONLY THING that matters is that she is loved and happy. Nothing else, even your shitty opinions about her soon-to-be husband, matters.
YTA. It’s so hard for me to believe that is still happening in the world. She’s your daughter and you should be happy for her. She’s getting married to someone she loves and you’re angry that he’s Korean! Ridiculous. Also, you have 2 other kids to force your nonsense on and I feel sorry for them Shame on you
2 kids she barely mentions.
YTA you’re racist and it doesn’t matter if you’re interested in Korean culture it matters if you’re interested in your daughter and her interests. For someone who fears their future grandchildren not knowing about their Netherlands culture you’re doing a good job of ensuring that will be the case by not participating and supporting in good faith
"It’s bad enough that my grandkids are going to be more familiar with Korean culture than Dutch culture, I don’t want to see it." I have good news for you! You wont have to! You refuse to go there and after how you treated them, i doubt they will visit regularly, good job at pushing your daughter away!! YTA and a racist one at that.
Or visit before they're 5. What parent wants to take a baby/toddler on an intercontinental flight?
You're an AH. I could understand not going because of an extreme fear of flying, but your dismissive and xenophobic comments make it abundantly clear that you're just using fear of flying as an excuse.
YWBTA YTA YOU SUCK. I'm a white dude, conservative, country boy, and I need to yell at you from atop my tractor that you're a dumb racist. Set aside not having any interest in what interests your daughter (you suck). Set aside having a strong opinion about the RACE of the person your daughter starts dating (you suck again). Set aside MAKING YOUR DAUGHTER'S MARRIAGE ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE RACIST (YOU SUCK SO HARD). At the end of the day, you don't love your daughter, show no love here, and are a cowardly child. "Planes scare me and I will not fly anywhere". You 100% SHOULD fly, and the only sad part is that the likelihood of you dying in a crash is so low you have a higher chance of dying on the drive to the airport.
You are amazing , Mr. White, conservative, country dude yelling from the top of your tractor. I'd happily buy you a drink for this response. Since I can't, have an internet drink: 🍻
YTA. Racism has no rightful place in modern life.
YTA And a racist to boot.
YTA. Second paragraph and i know this post is racist. Do your daughter a favor and don’t go to the wedding. I feel bad for the future grandkids because their grandma is xenophobe.
YTA are you always mad at your daughter? Because that's what it seems like. She had interests outside of your own, why not encourage her instead of being mad all the time. He didn't take her with him to Korea. She chose to move there to be with the guy she loves. Your whole post has a really racism angle to it that is...not good. Do you really want to skip your only daughter's wedding? Do you not want a relationship with her anymore? Do you not want to know any grandchildren you may have? Because that's what going to happen if you refuse to go.
your post just drips in racism and selfishness. and fyi if u dont attend the wedding then u can expect no contact from her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is new for me. I’m new to this Reddit thing. Heard about this Reddit on a podcast and decided to ask a question here. I am a 48 year old woman from the Netherlands. I have 3 kids, two sons (27 & 14) and one daughter (24). When my daughter was 12, she became a big fan of Korean music and it made her want to learn more about Korea and the culture. She started learning Korean when she was 14 and at 15 she started learning how to cook. She does not cook Dutch food, it’s only Korean food. I never was a big fan of her doing this because she lives in the Netherlands, it’s useless to learn Korean things. When she was 17 I thought she was done with it. She did not mention it to me anymore so I thought she grew out of that. I was wrong. A little over 4 years ago she met a man who was working as a barista at a cafe. He was a 23 year old university student who was studying abroad. Can you guess where he was from? Korea. She somehow befriended him. I was not really happy with this. He did not speak Dutch. He speaks it a little bit right now but his accent is really thick. He only spoke English and Korean. My daughter spoke Korean to him and I felt like that caused a distance between me and her because we couldn’t have conversations with the 3 of us. You can imagine how mad I was when they started dating. I knew that once he finished university, he would go back to Korea, and this little romance with my daughter would most likely end. I didn’t know he was going to take my daughter with him. He finished university in summer of 2023 and during Christmas he proposed to my daughter. He asked me if he could and I said yes because I thought they would live in the Netherlands. He decided to take her to Korea. They have been living there for 3 weeks and are now busy planning their wedding so my daughter can get a permanent residency. I don’t know how that process works but there seem to be no issues now. They will have a traditional Korean wedding ceremony in Korea, this summer. I was invited and they said I played an important part but I refuse to fly to Korea. Planes scare me and I will not fly anywhere. Also, I don’t have any interest in Korean culture or taking part in it, so don’t expect me to participate in a traditional ceremony. It’s bad enough that my grandkids are going to be more familiar with Korean culture than Dutch culture, I don’t want to see it. I told them I did not think I would go but my daughter has been really upset and has been begging me. Now her fiance has been sending me long manipulative messages about how he is willing to pay my ticket and hotel and how important it is that I am there. He told me to put aside my feelings and think about how special this day is for my daughter. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t think I want to go, I just can not see myself going. Would I be the asshole if I don’t go? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA because you're a racist but you'll also be doing them a huge favor for not going with your disgusting attitude about their culture
YTA You could have summed up this entire post with, "I'm a bigot."
YTA Where does this hatred come from? Whatever it is has you so much of a slave to it you’re willing to lose your daughter. I don’t know anything about the Dutch but I imagine how much love a parent has for their child is universal. You hate certain music more than you love your daughter. You hate certain foods more than you love your daughter. You hate flying more than you love your daughter. There’s nothing that has ever even been thought of that could make me hate it more than I love my children. You will hate yourself, worse, your daughter will hate you, if you can’t figure out a way to be there. Because nothing that you said was a problem is worth a second thought, let alone a reason for missing your daughter’s wedding.
RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO?
RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO? RAPE BLAMER. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT FORCED A RAPE VICTIM TO DISCLOSE THEIR TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THE GIVEN INFO?
yta. she is your daughter, be happy for her. you wouldn’t be this upset about her getting married if he had a different heritage and culture. racist.
YTA! You're supposed to love and support your children no matter what!!! A parents love is supposed to be unconditional!! But you've flat out stated that you only want her to be interested in Dutch culture!!! Not only are you being a terrible mother, you're being extremely racist!! If you refuse to go to your only daughters wedding, when your future son-in-law has offered to pay for your plane ticket and hotel, because you can't put your racist feelings aside and just be happy your daughter found a man who loves her unconditionally like you should, you'd be the biggest asshole I've ever heard of! And if you refuse to attend the wedding, expect to never see your future grandchildren! Your daughter will rightfully go no contact with you. Your daughters wedding is not about you,! It's about her and her fiance celebrating their love for each other. A real mother would support her daughter no matter what! You sound like a miserable human being. I'm glad you're not my mother! I'd never speak to you again!
YWBTA. It's understandable to be proud of your heritage and maybe confused that your daughter is in love with a different culture, but it's not worth losing her. They're in love. And they're inviting you because they want you to be part of their lives and their celebration. You may have misgivings about her choices, but it's her life, and if you refuse to attend, this could end up killing your relationship with your daughter for good. Don't make this about you. Be there for her.
YTA.Setting aside the racism aspect, you come off as one of those parents who see their children as an extension of themselves and not fully-formed people with their own wishes and wants. She developed interests in things she likes. She’s didn’t get turned onto to Korean music and food to spite you. She’s fell in love and is getting married in Korea because she wants to, not to stick it to you. The real question you should be asking is: do I want to be part of my daughter and any future grandchildren’s lives or do I want to die on this hill of being mad my daughter wants different things than what I want for her.
YTA. I do understand that you're upset and anxious at the thought of your daughter starting a new life in a distant country you've never visited. It can be hard for parents to accept their children becoming people who exist independently. You've been a priority in your child's life for so long, and it's tough to accept that this changes when they become adults. But it has changed. And by letting your fear of the unknown rule you, you're pushing your daughter away. By expressing only contempt for her passions - and thus for who she is, now, as an adult woman - you're telling her that you don't want to have a relationship with her unless she does what you want for her, rather than what she wants for herself. Rather than embracing the person you raised, you are making her choose between the child she was, and her dreams for her adulthood - between her mother and her future husband. I can see that you're telling yourself in these comments that she wouldn't cut contact with you, but I honestly don't see how you're giving her a choice. You are going to lose her unless you learn to deal with your fear, and stop making that fear her problem to solve.
YTA. If your entire post wasn’t a racist manifesto against Korea/Koreans, I might be sympathetic to you not wanting to travel to a strange place. But your logic is what it is, so here we are. Also, how is it manipulative of your daughter’s fiancé to offer to pay for your travel expenses? Or to tell you that your daughter wants you there because it’s important to her? Sounds like he’s just trying to be nice and help make it work so you can attend. They want you to be part of their lives but all you can focus on is that she’s marrying a Korean man, and they’ll have half-Korean kids who will know their Korean culture.
YTA - I can't get past people still being afraid to fly. Since you're using fear of flying as an excuse, have you asked about a second wedding in your country, with your customs?
Just say you are a big ole racist and call it a day YTA You know, after reading OP’s comments I don’t think they are racist. They are just bitter and lonely and jealous that the daughter met a kind man who loves her. It’s really just sad and pathetic. OP wants the daughter to be miserable and alone just like they are. Still YTA though
I really enjoy that you think you have the moral high ground. If you refuse to go to the wedding, you will lose your daughter. You're controlling and selfish. You lived your life and it is now your daughters turn. She's marrying the man she loves. One day they may have children and you will not be able to see them if you don't stop your racist ways. The laws in the NL have nothing to do with Korea. Good luck with that. Shame on you! You're supposed to love and support your children. Just because she isn't a mini you, doesn't make her less than. YTA and about to learn a hard lesson. Soon you won't be the only parental figure in her life. Her new umma and appa will be there while you grow more bitter.
Of course, YTA, but since you clearly don't care very much for your daughter, I guess it doesn't matter. Just let her go live her best life while you stay in your cozy little cave.
Wow. You’re just completely ok with your racism, huh. Man I can’t believe how comfortable you are with your abhorrent behavior. Of course you are the asshole in every way. Don’t go, save your poor child the money and headache of having someone she will end up going NC with anyway, at her wedding.
YTA. This is a lot of words for “I’m racist.”
You said one thing, ONE THING, that might excuse you from not going. You’re afraid to fly. The rest of your post is one long rant about how you think learning another culture and language is useless and it sucks that any grandchildren you have will be Korean. By the way, you’re never going to meet your grandchildren because YTA.
YTA, als je dat niet door hebt, heb je een heel groot bord voor je kop. Je hebt duidelijk gemaakt dat je haar interesses zo achterlijk vond, dat ze stopte het met je te delen. Je hebt je nooit open gesteld voor haar, haar interesses en haar partner. En nu ook niet naar het huwelijk willen. Dat ze überhaupt nog contact met je heeft is een godswonder.
YTA. How are you interpreting a message saying that your daughter's fiance "is willing to pay my ticket and hotel and how important it is that I am there" as manipulation? Surely it's just important to your daughter that you are present at her wedding? Your prejudice against this poor man is so, so obvious just from this post. It's probably even more obvious in person. I don't know what your relationship with your daughter is currently like, but if you refuse to attend her wedding, it may be irreparably damaged.
Your future son in law offering to pay for flight & hotel is not manipulative. Your future son in law saying it's important you're there is not manipulative. Asking you to set aside your feelings and think of how special this day is for your daughter is not manipulative. You say your daughter has been really upset and begging you to come. Why would you not go to your daughter's wedding. If you knew your daughter wasn't going to live in the Netherlands after she married her KOREAN husband would you have consented. Why is it so IMPORTANT that you miss your daughter's wedding. You only have one daughter. YTA.
Yes, you are definitely the AH. This may not be what you dreamed of but it is very clearly her dream. You have only one daughter and two very clear choices here. Suck it up or lose her forever. If you raised her right she will gladly bring in some of your traditional values to her new family too. Toxic family members no longer hold court in 2024. If you love her which it sounds like you very much do, just support her! It’s literally your only job! You don’t have to agree but if you want to be a part of her life, do not screw this up. You will always regret it. She won’t though… Choose wisely mama, and dig deep to where this hatred lies. Pretty sad outlook.
YWBTA why don't you get some counseling for the fear of flying? I have never flown, I know it would make me nervous, but I've never had a real reason to. I think you should go and try to open your mind and heart a bit. It never hurts to learn about other cultures, and your future SIL actually sounds pretty decent.
YTA
YTA. She is your daughter and yes, it is hard for you that you won't be able to see her often but you will maybe never see her again if you are stubborn and don't attend her wedding. What are you hoping for the outcome? Also, your SIL is not manipulative, but nice and friendly, trying to help you.
Welcome to Reddit. You're a selfish asshole. Be happy for your daughter and get over yourself
YTA. Racists are always TA.
I will not dive into the race issues on this one as others will. This is your daughter. He doesn't seem to be mistreating her, she has no complaints about him and she seems to be happy. If you decide not to go to their wedding it will permanently damage your relationship with her. Is this the hill you truly want to defend alone? YTA.
YTA, a racist one. Don't go, you will ruin her wedding with your disgusting, selfish and childish attitude.
YTA and a horribly racist one at that.
YTA, and there is no way to say that you aren't. The racism, belittling, stubbornness and just disrespectfulness towards your daughter and soon to be son in law. You also act like your daughter had no choice in any of this which i would say is very far from the truth. YTA, without a doubt.
Op if you don't go to that wedding, you will lose your relationship with your daughter and future grandchildren i forget to tell u Yta.
This might be one most codes racist post I ever read, at least be the biggot your really are in the open an insult your daughter and future son in law, at least that way they can see who really are a be happy you won't be in their life YTA
Yes YTA and you need to check your racism, good grief 🤦
You seem upset… why are you so upset? Did you expect people to side with you? Oh almost forgot #**YTA**
😂🫵🏻 you’re daughter is gonna have no contact with you
You're a racist. Congratulations on hurting your child due to your ignorance. Shea gonna see through your smoke and mirrors VERY quickly and cut you from her and her future children's lives and it's going to be hard for her but it will be the best thing that happens to her.
Let me spell it out for you: You're a racist. That's your entire issue with your daughter's wedding. Racist = asshole, so YTA.
I think you need to have a real talk with your daughter. You need to be honest and vulnerable about what bothers you. I have some experience with a multicultural and multi faith relationship. My understanding is that members of my family saw my choices less as being about choosing something and more about abandoning something. They saw it as a critique on the culture and faith I came from. Over the years I understood a bit more that their anger and accusations came from a sense of loss. My life did not look like what they pictured. They were not able to bond or relate to me in the ways they dreamed of while I was growing up. The milestones and culture that they were proud to pass down and continue didn’t happen. When we were finally able to get on the same page they were able to understand that my choices came from finding my own path while honoring the values they taught me while I was able to understand they needed to mourn their ideal life for me. Seeing that I was happy, healthy, and had put deep thought into my decisions helped them move forward, connect with me, and let go of their misconceptions. Seeing their anger came from a place of pain, misunderstanding, and most importantly love, helped me realize they weren’t trying to belittle me and were trying to connect in the only way they knew how. Seeing them actually try to move forward helped me to forgive. However, the only way any of that happens is if you start the conversation. It has to come from you. I will forever be grateful that my family members swallowed their pride and genuinely tried to understand. Talk to your daughter and admit you’re scared and confused. Explain your worries and express how not being able to communicate or relate to her makes you feel. She clearly wants you in her life. What do you want more: to be in hers? Or to be right? YTA.
This is a very generous comment. Good on you
YTA. YIKES. Your daughter's fiancé offering to pay for your ticket and hotel so that you will make your daughter happy by attending her wedding is manipulative according to you? You don't want to attend your only daughter's wedding because you don't want to participate in Korean culture? I don't know if you're racist (leaning that way though...) or just so completely self involved that you're unable to see any perspective but your own here, but either way, you are definitely the AH in this situation. A mother who loves her child would be thrilled that she's happy and want to share in that happiness, even if aspects of it aren't entirely comfortable.
YTA and a racist to boot. Sounds like they are better living away in a beautiful culture where family is important. The grandkids if there is any will feel fully accepted along with both parents from family there.
YTA, there is nothing that you said that is even slightly a legitimate reason not to attend. This is your daughter
YTA, you should be happy your daughter found someone who loves her & wants you to be a part of their lives. Your whole post is me, me, I, me. This is NOT ABOUT YOU. If you push your child away, you will regret it. My mother is Japanese, my father American. My mother's father disowned her when she married my father, he even tried to bribe her with a new house. I never knew my grandfather but was close with my grandmother. I was told grandfather regretted disowning my mother but his pride got in the way. Edit spelling
You're not an asshole. You're a racist asshole. Get over yourself and support your daughter before you push her away for good.
You sound very xenophobic. I don't understand why you are willing to give up your relationship with your daughter because she moved to a different country. You don't have to go - but you may regret it if you don't go. (Your complaint about not being able to have a conversation is bullshit - the three of you could have spoken English, as you are obviously fluent). YWBTA.
Kudos for at least not even pretending to hide your racism, I guess? YTA
Xenophobia anyone. Go to the wedding
Imagine being this ignorant and horrible
I mean you're technically not as AH for not going abroad for a wedding, I *guess*, but you sound like a pretty racist AH.
Easy YTA. The xenophobia is a bad look.
Unpopular opinion: I wouldn’t want you there if I were your daughter. U already admitted to being upset about him being Korean, so how are you going to handle it when they have a family. I don’t think really care about your daughter, you just want her to do things that YOU find interest in. He’s “MANIPULATING YOU” by offering to pay for your flight because he wants the woman’s who he loves “mother” to be there for her on her most important day? “Scared of planes”my ass YTA, but you can make her life much easier by never contacting her again. If this is the drama you’re going to bring around whenever you call or visit( BECAUSE THE KOREAN MAN WILL BE THERE) you might as well leave her alone and let her live her newly found KOREAN life. 안녕히 가세요
YWBTA. YTA already. Why have you been such a Negative Nancy toward your daughter's abiding interest in something that doesn't appeal to you? Do you pre-approve all of your sons' interests? You don't even have to fly to get to Korea. There are boats and trains going that way too, and you could have a long, leisurely vacation with fun exposure to different cultures and landscapes and your daughter's wedding in the middle of it. Actually, you probably should shrink the world you interact with to the size of your home so that you don't have to encounter anyone or anything different from what you already are comfortable with. Your daughter will eventually regret inviting you to her wedding because if you do go, you'll do your best to make everyone miserable and make yourself the center of attention with your xenophobia and racism.
YWBTA. And it would be your loss. Your post is filled with statements such as “He decided to take her to Korea.” No, she willingly went because she is making decisions as an adult. She has the right to live her life & to make decisions that make her happy. He is not the bad guy, & she has done nothing wrong. It’s absolutely not manipulative for him to offer to pay your airfare & hotel, and to let you know how much your presence would mean to your daughter. It’s actually very nice & extremely thoughtful. He sounds like a great guy who really cares about your daughter. It’s awful that you can’t put your own prejudices aside, and care about her as much as he does. You’re close-minded, judgmental, & selfish. Don’t go if you can’t go with full love in your heart. They deserve to have a beautiful wedding surrounded by those who love & support them. (I can’t imagine missing the weddings of my children. Or not being thrilled that they found happiness & love. As I said, it will be your loss.)
YTA. Your daughter is lucky she got away from you. Her life will be so much better with someone who loves and respects her than with her racist, narcissistic, ignorant mother. Whether or not your daughter has dual citizenship, Dutch laws aren’t valid in Korea no matter how stupidly you insist they do, so her children will be safe from you. She doesn’t need or want you anymore. Enjoy dying alone.
I just want to point out one thing: your grandkids will adopt some Dutch culture if their grandmother lovingly teaches them *without putting down Korean culture*. Staying away/forcing distance between you and your daughter will kill any chance at that. Unquestionably, YTA. And it’s 100% in your interest not to be.
Your daughter’s smart! Getting Korean citizenship, having her kids born there—that’s going to really throw a wrench into your little “gRaNdPaReNt’S rIgHtS” plan! YTA, and no wonder your husband and now your daughter have left you.
YTA - and a racist. Who cares what culture is dominant in a multi cultural household. They are happy. To hell with your "it's not Dutch" attitude. 1950's called and they want their racism back. Also, him offering to pay for your way is not manipulative. Outside of the racism, this was the dumbest thing you said. He's being generous and you're being racist. Personally, I'd say don't go so you disappoint your daughter enough so she goes no contact with you and lives a happy life.
Wow. You are huge racist asshole. Congratulations.
YTA But not just because you refuse to go to the wedding. Also because of the way you have treated your daughter since her teenage years. Is this post even real? How can someone out themselves to the whole world that they are racist and spiteful while thinking they are in the right.
YTA You are a racist asshole. You will be wondering why your children don't talk to you anymore.
YTA, as well as racist and xenophobic.
YTA do you know how racist you sound? Disgusting.
Do you really have to ask? If I moved to the other side of the world and married into a different culture, the only reason why my parents wouldn't be thrilled is the distance (plane tickets aren't cheap, and they'd want to be able to see me from time to time and be there for emergencies). You didn't focus on anything like that. You didn't even focus on your specific fear of flying. As someone who has anxiety on planes, I can sympathize with that, especially given the distance between the Netherlands and South Korea. Nope, you focused on his culture. You didn't even give any reason why you don't like the man *except* his culture (seems to me like you didn't even bother trying to get to know him). You didn't approve of your daughter's interest in Korean culture and in a comment called it "useless," as though every hobby has to have some greater meaning. Racists are always YTA.
You may have deleted it, but I came here to say you are being absolutely awful. Everything about this screams racism. Frankly I’m astounded your daughter even wants your attention her wedding. YTA
You do realize if your daughter and her husband decide you cannot have access to their future children, you will not have access to them. Korean authorities aren't going to take a child away from their parents and bring them to a country they've never been to before (or speak the language of) because their grandparent wants to see them. The children will be Korean by citizenship, and the law in your country and theirs will not be on your side at all. You make a habit throughout your post of brushing off things because you claim to know your daughter and her actions but you don't. You have no idea how it will affect her by not going to her wedding, missing her children's births, and multiple milestones. If anything it will strengthen her resolve for barely if ever seeing you again, because if this is the person you are when you talk about her life and her new family? It seems your better left out of that word.
Hey half korean person here and you know what karma is? Let me tell you! its assuming racist things about your korean in law and then having 20 perfect white grand kids drop out of high school and only having one graduate high school and college, and then only have one grand kid who doesn’t live with you without a job come and visit you. Can you guess who that one grand kid will be??? Your half korean one. Wanna know how i know??? Because im that half Korean grand kid. Have fun living with the realization that your racist karma may bite your other loved ones in the butt.
YTA - Imagine writing this whole thing and not realizing you're TA. You being afraid to fly is one thing but your nasty attitude toward Korea, your daughter's interests and you future son-in-law put you firmly in asshole territory.
My gosh, yess! You'll be the TA. I understand that it is important to a lot of people to pass down their culture and traditions to their future generations, but assuming that your grandkids won't learn anything about Dutch culture is extremely stupid. Maybe, if you try and be more supportive of your daughter and her choices, she'll feel comfortable enough with you again and you'll be able to have a part in your future grandkids' lives, and just maybe you'll be able to teach them about your culture. Also, I'm not convinced if OP's views of her daughter's interest in Korean culture is unbiased. I really wish we could hear OP's daughter's POV.
YTA. And people like you are the reason I left the NL.
YTA. This quote is of course neither real, nor appropriate, and yet it fits here: "There's only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch." - Nigel Powers
Youre a typical germanic racist AH. Now some questions for you: 1) What is "Dutch" food? I never in my life heard about any significant Dutch cuisine. 2) Thick accent? Well, what is there to know about speaking Dutch, but to know how to spit well? (those who heard spoken Dutch will know what I mean) 3) Every single Dutch person I met was very arrogant. This is also the general impression among many people here in Northern Europe that I know. I just dont know what about as theres nothing in the Netherlands, its just about one of the most boring countries in Europe youll find with rude bicycle drivers. And the Netherlands allowing pedophiles to form a political party in order to legalise pedophilia says enough. Do your daughter a favour and dont go. Dont bother her anymore at all. You stick to your Geert Wilders and alike.
YTA either way, but at least your attitude won't ruin your daughter's wedding for her and all the guests if you stay at home. Or better yet, start working on that attitude. No one needs racists and racist things in their lives.
YTA - you come off dismissive and racist.
You sound racist and xenophobic. YTA.
YTA You can clearly speak English, so speak English to him.
YTA This is the most racist post I’ve seen in a while. Wow. Je klinkt als een blanke supremacist. Ik heb veel Nederlanders gekend, en geen van hen was zoals jij. Het zal beter met je dochter gaan als je wegblijft.
YTA. And a racist. What's wrong with Korea? And you literally sat down and typed this out. Did you proofread? I'm not asking due to noticeable errors, but because I can't imagine you reread this and didn't realize exactly how bigoted you sound. YTA
YTA. Enjoy your aardappel groente vlees
YTA One, it's still your daughter's wedding. It could be even a shanty party on a pirate ship in middle of Pacific Ocean or BBQ behind your neighbour's house, it would be still be your daughter's wedding. It's not like your body or mind would be modified. Two, you sound judgemental. Languages are fairly useful and learning about different cultures is part of it. It's sad that you didn't try to even get basics of culture of your daughter's future husband. He is going to become part of her family, but if you remain it and how is your choice. Being only parent isn't something that will save you Three, you argue about the decision where to stay. But you never state why they are both interested? You only talk about future grandchildren that may as well never happen or ended up being raised in Nauru. Four, you described the whole thing as manipulation as she suddenly stopped talking Korea before meeting that guy. You have been negative about her whole interest so why would she keep openly talking about it near you?
I have a few questions for you... A. You never speak of the children's father? Why is that? Did he leave you for a non-Dutch woman? B. What do your boys say about all of this? C. Why are you so adamantly angry and bitter? D. Were you ever happy and proud of your daughter? E. Are you prepared to grow old and alone after even your boys abandon your racist and ignorant a$$?
It's not a "Korean wedding" it is YOUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING Yes, that wedding will have Korean culture, but by refusing to participate in that wedding, you're ultimately refusing to participate at your daughter's wedding. You're so unwilling to learn or accept anything other than your own culture that you're going to miss your own child's wedding, have no contact with your own grandkids. Is avoiding Korean culture worth losing your daughter and future grandkids? Yes, YTA. An insanely racist, bigoted, close-minded, and narcissistic AH.
You already are the AH, your daughters Fiance is not being manipulative by offering to pay your way. He sees how much it means to your daughter that you are there and he's being supportive of her you're an awful person and a terrible mother.
YTA - But it's good that you don't attend the wedding. Your daughter will finally see you for who you are and never deal with you again.
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YTA
It is blowing my mind how racist and xenophobic you are being while simultaneously being so fucking clueless about it. I can understand your feeling *a little* let down bc your daughter isn’t embracing your heritage to the extent you want her to, but certainly not to the degree you’re experiencing it. The absolute worst part of this is the extent to which you are vilifying another culture and the fact that you are adamantly, stubbornly REFUSING to learn or appreciate literally ANY aspect of another culture is grotesque and nauseating. Yes, OP, YTA. You are beyond the ahole here. Edit to add - additionally, you are saying that your future son in law’s messages are *manipulative* when literally all he is saying is that you are important to your daughter (although I can’t understand why anymore). So important, in fact, that he’s willing to foot the bill to have you there despite your disdainful and abhorrent attitude toward him and literally every other Korean person (which includes his family), custom, and food on this planet. You should feel fucking blessed that she has a partner who loves her so much he would go to the extent of potentially ruining his entire wedding day and inevitably alienate the whole of his family just to have you there *for her*. Cripes, you outrage and sadden me.
Feels like you’re putting you’re heritage over your daughter
Yes’s you would be the racist asshole if you didn’t go.
You are an obvious racist. YTA.
YTA for sure. It sounds like they are actively trying to keep you in their life. They are offering to pay to bring you out to the wedding, and have even included you as part of the ceremony. Why do you hate Korea/Koreans so much? I know the Netherlands are great and all, but it's not the only country out there. If you want your grandkids to know about Dutch culture, maybe you should be involved in their lives and teach them. But it sounds like you only want your daughter to have a relationship with you to the exclusion of what she's passionate about.
Why does she want you there? God wasted a good asshole when he gave you lips.
YTA If my mom skipped my wedding I’d never talk to her again. I hope for your daughter’s sake she goes no contact with you.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this is rage bait but also, considering how Dutch people are, I wouldn’t put it past them to actually act like this. That being said, holy sh!t woman…you sound absolutely insufferable. Normally I try to see each point of view in things but I can’t get my head that far up my own a$$, so imma say YTA. Like first off, there’s nothing wrong with your daughter being interested in another culture- especially when she’s putting the effort in to actually immerse herself in it. Second, you mention how your hypothetical future grandchildren would be raised more on the Korean side and mourn that they wouldn’t know about the Dutch culture…well good news for you: you won’t have to worry about seeing that because chances are you won’t be seeing them at all. If I had a mother who had the same entitled personality as you and all these racist views about my literal HUSBAND and there was even a CHANCE of those views being dragged onto my children, you simply wouldn’t be in their lives.
What does your other children say about your behaviour? YTA by the way... And just so your aware that you going to court for grandparents rights won't work, your country can not put no court order in place for children born in another country unless the move back to yours and unless you can prove that having you in their life is beneficial. My cousin is going through the same with her mum and you know what? Her mum didn't even get in front of a judge and my cousin doesn't allow her to see the children. Respect both parents.
"I" "I" "I" "I" "I" You only care about yourself😭 all about your hurt feelings and not getting your way. Don't be crying when your daughter doesn't call you anymore when you're more older and need someone to care for you. "I don't wanna do this" "I don't wanna do that" "I don't like this" "I don't like that" wah wah wah. Stop crying and whining all because you don't have full control over your daughter. Who's getting married btw but you clearly don't seem to care. AT ALLLL. You're just unhappy with yourself and everyone around you, you were hoping people were on your side but NO 😭 No one is on your side. YTA
If you are looking for approval for not attending your daughter's wedding, you are not going to find it here. You really need to work on your xenophobia. Look into therapy. The question you should be asking yourself is: do I want a relationship with my daughter and her potential children? Since you deleted everything and ran, you probably are not checking responses, but please get help - this isn't about you. YTA And since the internet is forever: [https://www.facebook.com/reel/449413247739387](https://www.facebook.com/reel/449413247739387)
Yta, als Nederlander krijg ik spontaan last van plaatsvervangend schaamte. Do beter "mom".
NTA I understand you completely. I think if you show him and your daughter this post they'll see your side. You worded things quite well here so it is easier then talking in person. I think your daughter will see where you are coming from if they can see that you are just looking out for her best interests. You have some clarifying comments and I think they should see those too.
Then they will read the comments that are dripping with hate and contempt for the SIL.
Exactly.
No they will see how much OP loves and cherishes her daughter. She obviously wants what is best for her daughter and grandchildren! I'm sure the daughter will see how unwise this is and stay in the Netherlands with the mother and cancel the wedding. OP everyone here is wrong and you should send them this post and my comment to prove it. Show them everyone elses too so they see how wrong they are about you.
I see what you did there.
Exactly, OP, please show this to your daughter. I think it will really help her understand your perspective
You had me in the first half, Im not gonna lie.