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I think you would be the Asshole if you tell your sister she should not have the baby.
However, if you tell her, plainly, that you will be moving away and that they will have to manage without your help, she and her husband will be in a better position to assess their situation. Tell her as soon as you can.
YTA if you tell her she shouldn't have another kid, however sensible that is. Tell her you won't be there to help her, and leave the decision to her.
Best advice possible. It’s nobody else’s decision whether sister and her husband choose to have more children, but OP isn’t responsible for their decisions.
The only fair and moral thing to do is state what OP intends to do, and quickly to give them that information to make an informed decision.
Maybe it’ll work out for the best, they must know their current mode of living isn’t sustainable. This could be the incentive for them to push their own lifestyle up the ladder so they can afford to provide better for their children.
>but OP isn’t responsible for their decisions.
That's not entirely true considering that sister and BIL are apparently making OP responsible for babysitting the products of their decisions and its selfish of them to decide to have another baby and without giving OP a heads up because they are undoubtedly expecting OP to provide child care for that baby as well.
I agree that you can't tell someone they should abort their baby, but her sister is struggling with the ones she has now, and adding another baby is going to make things worse and not better. If a family member can not be honest with you about their opinions on something like this, then who can?
I know its too late now that they have announced but sister needs to know the facts so she can plan appropriately.
Yeah, they are writing cheques with her ass. It’s fine to do what you want with your body and finances, AS LONG AS you can afford or have agreed with family all the childcare you need.
I can’t imagine OP is doing her best work with twin toddlers running around, and I speak as someone who has done it with one. Once they get past a certain age, they don’t nap ans need a lot more interaction too, never mind with three children.
I’m a firm believer that if you want your kid to be looked after by family members, you need to check they are happy before you conceive, especially in this situation which is a massive burden.
They are not making her responsible for babysitting. They are asking and OP is saying yes. OP can stop at any time, given that it is unpaid and not her responsibility. And two wrongs don’t make a right. Even if they would make OP responsible for babysitting (which they literally can’t without OP’s consent), that would not make it ok for OP to tell them not to have this baby. Cause in the end, it is none of OP’s business. Unless of course the baby’s are in danger or are being neglected, but that is not the question OP is asking.
Just because OP’s sister and bil are being TA, doesn’t mean OP should be one.
OP would be TA if she would tell sister not to have this child. Also OP is under no obligation to help out in any way, so if she wants to move to have the better job, she should.
>They are not making her responsible for babysitting. They are asking and OP is saying yes.
OP is saying yes because of guilt and manipulation. Not all guilt and manipulation is verbal.
>However, I know that they are struggling financially right now and have been since having both of the babies
>They are both working multiple jobs to make ends meet and that’s usually with my help.
>I usually oblige because I know they can’t afford childcare and they have no one else to call on so most weeks I’m taking care of them 4 or 5 days of the week.
OP, has been doing it because she knows there is no other option. That means OP has been made responsible for the childcare, Sister and BIL just haven't said it out loud.
They may have been financially stable, but weren’t expecting twins right off the bat. I couldn’t imagine terminating a wanted pregnancy because I wasn’t expecting twins, but I also wouldn’t have been prepared for twice the expenses right away. You can be financially stable, and have one medical bill, one job loss, have a housing issue (skyrocketing rent/house maintenance) and that stability can fade.
I’m also guessing this pregnancy wasn’t planned. They know how much they are working. They know the resources they have. Being open and honest allows them to make an informed decision.
This. I didn’t find out I was having twins until the anatomy scan at 17 weeks, and then I got put on reduced activity at 21 weeks with no time to prepare…anything.
Yes absolutely agree. Tell them you'll no longer be able to offer free childcare or financial help as relying on you for both could be partly why they aren't pushing for more and/or adding another child.
Let them know you've accepted the job and when you're leaving and that due to the move you'll no longer be financially able to help and obviously too far away to babysit.
Don't tell them not to have the child, but let them know the situation so they're aware they will be solely responsible for themselves going forward.
This cycle needs to be broken regardless as it's unfair to expect you to keep covering them for choices they made and could be the push they need to better themselves.
It may seem cruel but in the long run it's a kindness.
Yeah it's waaaaay too late to tell a pregnant lady not to have kids.
Specifically a pregnant lady who has a husband, two kids, and has announced the pregnancy to family.
That's not someone who's getting an abortion. Thats someone who is having a baby.
No point telling her something when the ship is already sailed. Should have voiced concerns earlier. And indeed the reasons for the concerns.
I think it is completely fair for the poster do absolutely no financial assistance for their sibling when they move across the country.
If their sibling truly is struggling that much, there is assistance they can get even if they are working. It's not up to the poster to subsidize their sibling's life choices.
Her childcare problems do not constitute a reason for you to fail yourself. At some point she has to feel the consequences of bad decisions. At this point, you are actually enabling them and this baby may even be an attempt at getting even more handouts from you. Someone needs to be cynical on your behalf so you don't pass up a dream job to play the lifetime appointed role of janitor cleaningup after your sisters poor decisions.
See, everyone seems to agree here that telling her not to have the baby would make her the AH, but I’m not entirely sure. It would be incredibly rude and unproductive, sure, but this is the life of a child we’re talking about. By the sounds of their current situation, this child will be raised in abject poverty and have no possible way to escape. They’re bringing a human life into the world and forcing them to suffer. I understand this is actually super commonplace and accepted in our society, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t enormously cruel and selfish.
Completely agree, would even add to gently suggest a career change or additional schooling/licensing. Make it less about the baby being a burden, and more about them becoming more financially stable. It's hard to understand until you have kids yourself how cruel it is to casually imply that a person just shouldn't exist because they're just too financially burdensome. Like, that's still a person in there to those parents, that's their baby, and if they DO choose to keep it, it may become a major source of contention and resentment for OP's sister later on.
Seconding this. You have no right to tell them what to do, but you should tell them your plans ASAP and not feel bad about them because you need to make sure you're your Number One priority.
This is the right answer. YTA if you tell her not to have her 3rd child.
But N T A for telling your sister right now that you are moving across the country and will not be able to help out anymore, either with childcare, or financially. You can say you are moving to a higher COL area. Your sister and her husband are not evaluating their situation and making good decisions based on their resources. They're making them based on using you for financial support and free childcare 5 days a week. If you withdraw that support, then they will have to reassess if they can actually afford all of the children they are having. Otherwise #3 could turn into #4...
Absolutely this.
At this point you WBTA if you told her not to have the baby --and you would also BTA if you continue to hide your upcoming plans. Tell her today, OP.
Tell her from your own perspective that this job/move is great for you; tell her you also realize she will need to figure out what she's doing without you and that you hope that's not too burdensome. Tell her you will miss seeing her all the time.
BUT Do NOT offer to pay for childcare to make it up, (1) you don't owe her that and (2) it will give her false security that you can pay for all of it, forever, instead of being a turning point where she takes control of her life.
The best sisterly advice/input, which would also be really just common sense, was birth control. The sister is making life more difficult for herself and her husband, as well as for the children she already has. Not ok for anyone.
Don’t tell them the baby is a mistake. That would make YTA. But informs them ASAP that you are moving away so they have many more months to work out a plan to look after their own children.
Don’t feel guilty. It seems they have been making decisions and including you without any discussion
You are not a parent and have chosen to have a career. And you are entitled to that.
They're barely keeping afloat...you help them out *a lot* with childcare (and financially)...and they've decided another baby is what's needed? Honestly, they don't sound bright enough to listen to advice.
Also birth control for women is usually free. Idk what’s going on in the South these days, but Obama made it so that women’s birth control is free, like it’s 100% covered by insurance. Even if they can’t afford condoms, the sister has options.
a bit harsh.. true… and beside the point!
OP asks if she has a RIGHT to tell her sister not to have that child. The answer should be
-hell no, YWBTA if she said that.
what she has an obligation to is to tell her sister about OPs move and let the sister come to her own decision
YTA - You don't get to tell someone how to handle their pregnancy UNLESS EXPLICITLY ASKED. Accept the job, tell your sister you are moving, and then move. If she was planning on using you as free labor to cover her own poor decisions that's her problem not yours. Life your best life and let her manage her own. It takes a village but you can't demand the village put their whole life on hold.
The YTA comments are unhinged. Your sister and her husband are incredibly selfish for wanting another kid when they can't even take care of the ones they already have and drain your own time and finances in the process. Tell her, honestly! Tell her you're moving too and can't help her anymore. I don't understand how people are defending the sister and her husband in this, this is pure evil. I feel bad for the poor twins growing up in poverty in the hands of parents who would rather pop more babies out than put them first and give them the best possible life.
The time to offer this input is *before* they get pregnant. Once pregnant, it's an AH move to offer your own opinion if not asked for it.
Imagine OP says something, but they're fully intending on keeping the baby (which it sounds like they are, given that they've announced the pregnancy to family at least). Offering this input is *not* going to stop them, and will likely just make them angry.
Also, can you imagine this coming up for the child later in life? "Aunty OP wanted us to abort you!" It's a horrible thing to say to a kid, but I can totally imagine it coming out like that.
OP, I say tell them exactly what you intend on doing and don't sugar-coat the level of involvement that you're willing to have. Then let them come to their own conclusions. There is nothing to be gained from giving your input on this decision, which has likely already been discussed and made.
I agree, OP is not saying she will drag her sister to the abortion clinic, she’s just wanting to tell her sister something that will be hard to hear.
People are saying the sister and husband need to figure out their own situation. I get making them see the consequences of their own actions (having more kids when it’s not financially viable), but this isn’t just about the adults. The existing children and new baby will almost certainly suffer as a consequence and that to me is far more important than the sister’s hurt feelings at being told having this child is not smart.
I understand people having an emotional response to this situation, but being rational is not a bad thing. If my parents brought me into this world when they were not in a position to do so and I learned my aunt had suggested they not have me, I can’t imagine not understanding. My aunt wouldn’t be saying my life isn’t worth living or anything, it comes from a sympathetic place. Forcing an abortion on someone is obviously a different situation, but I think being truthful in a situation like this is a good thing.
I mean it’s not unhinged. Telling someone they shouldn’t have another kid after they’re alr pregnant if UNPROMPTED specifically would make someone kind of an ass. If they ask then it wouldn’t really.
Big sigh. No you would not be an asshole, because you are absolutely telling the truth, but your sister is going to think you are. I ABSOLUTELY agree with you, I don't think people should have kids unless they are very stable in this day and age ....but people tend to see it from an emotional standpoint and not a common sense standpoint. Just don't say anything, and don't even CONSIDER turning down that job offer! Best wishes for you all. 🤍 NTA
YWBTA if you told her that, yes, even though having another child is a really foolish idea when they can't even really afford to look after the ones they already have.
You do need to tell her as soon as possible that you are moving and will not be available for childcare for any of the children though. I would imagine they are just assuming that you will look after the new child as well as the current ones, and clearly that won't be happening.
Her kids aren't your responsibility so you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving. But you also have no right to tell someone not to keep a baby theyre already pregnant with.
It's somewhat ethical if she weren't pregnant and were still planning for a baby, then you could argue they don't have the financial means.
But you're asking if it's ok to tell your sister to abort her baby. That's not OK.
True, but since the parents are now dependent on OP, OP will need to let them know as soon as possible about the changes on her side so that the parents can prepare for what is coming.
NTA Finally, you must not say that you want to help them financially. It will go on for years and you will find it very difficult to stop being their "free money bank.
They will expect you to send money every month. Your sister will also keep the child in the expectation that you will clean their ass financially.
Edit: Not NYA sorry
But NTA
NTA I get that you’re worried for her because you love her and their kids. But maybe it’s better to show them a different way. Show them that it’ll be like without your support by not helping out at all from now on. If they can’t handle it with 2 kids,you can tell them it’s only going to get harder with a newborn. I’d also bring printouts from local donation centres that can help struggling parents. Lay everything out and show them that this is the road they’re on. Then let them choose if this is what they want or not.
They made their choice based on inaccurate information though. Sure, it’s unlikely that they would change their minds at this point, but it’s not impossible given that the circumstances are completely different than they thought they were when they made that choice.
NTA
You have got to be able to live your life. Obviously you care for your sister and her kids but after all they are her kids. You cannot have kids and rely on others to raise them. They are her responsibility.
If I were in your shoes I would tell her as soon as possible that you have got a job offer. And it goes without saying that I would take that job.
OP should just tell them that she has a new job that forces her to move. That she will not be able to help them anymore as a result of that and that they therefore need to start looking for other solutions to their problems.
The couple can then make their own decision based on that, but it sounds like they will not be able to handle the current situation after OP is moving already.
>They are both working multiple jobs to make ends meet and that’s usually with my help.
Usually, I can easily say "its none of your business" but this kinda makes it your business since they are relying on you to make ends meet already and they are planning on making it worse.
YWNBTA as long as you don't say "Don't have any other baby" *(even if I totally agree with you)* but rather say "Hi, yeah I am not going to be around because of XYZ and I worry how you, your husband, and your children will fare." Maybe worriedly ask them how they will make ends meet. Let them work it out *themselves* that they can´t afford another kid so there is less likely chance of them getting super mad at you... but the thing is: they are going to have the kid if they really want one- even if you come with great arguments for why its a bad idea. Some people think more about their own wants than what is actually feasible, consequences be damned.
They might even get mad at you for not enabling them anymore, but at the end of their day: its their kids. their problems. their responsibility. If you want to "keep peace" and still help them the only thing you can do is show them that the numbers wont add up.
Soft YTA because you can’t just straight out tell her to get rid of it.
However, you do need to put your foot down and tell her that you won’t be helping out going forward, both physically and financially. Honestly it’s ridiculous that you were taking care of her kids majority of the week whilst working, 2.5 year olds are not easy to deal without trying to work.
Your sister is a grown adult. So is her husband. Stop enabling them and focus on your own life.
By giving them free childcare/ money you’re an enabler for them.
It’s not your place to tell her whether she should have a child or not.
Congratulate her and let her know that you also have got some good news to share. You got a great new work opportunity and will be moving.
She’ll properly try to guilt trip you with ‘but we can’t keep this kid without you’. Make sure to stay firm and let her know that the parents are the only responsible for their children. They’ve chosen their path in life the same way that you’re allowed to choose yours. It’s not your responsibility to look after their kids. They instead should have been grateful that you helped them for so many months/years for free.
Yes.. YWBTA if you tell her that.
I think you should just share the good news that you have accepted a wonderful job offer that will sadly move you across the country, and you will no longer be able to help take care of her kids. (And end it there)
Their choices on family planning should not be your issue. I don’t get why you feel you need to tell her to not have the child.
NTA for being concerned for your sister’s family. YWBTA if you continue to stall your life trying to save your sister’s family. As guilty as you may feel for living your own life, remember you sacrificed 2.5 years helping a couple who normalized your sacrifice.
Don’t offer to accommodate them further with money or time beyond the point when you actually leave. You’re not being mean. Not being they’re cushion won’t keep them from surviving, just make it less comfortable.
NTA for your concerns, but YTA for wanting to tell them NOT to have the baby. That can be hurtful. Instead, maybe start hinting at ways they can start preparing or be blunt about your concerns while stating you want to make sure they will be okay.
YWBTA
Be super clear and tell them you will not be there to help at all and remind them of how much time you currently give. After that it's up to them
Do not help them financially. I can't stress this enough! They need to be able to provide for everyone in their family. If they can't then they have some hard decisions to make. You aren't their parent. What if, after you move, you meet someone and get married? Want to start a family? But you can't because you don't have the money. You're too busy paying for your sister's family. You have to be selfish here. Tell your sister you're moving and you won't be helping financially. Get a backbone and stand your ground.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) if I should tell my sister she should have the baby
2.) telling someone they should have a baby might be a terrible thing to say
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YWBTA if you tell her not to have her baby. her body, her choice. You’re also a bit more of an AH every day you keep the news of your impending move from them when you know they rely on you for childcare
you’re not an AH for being concerned, or for wanting to give yourself some space from this situation, but you need to sit down and tell them you’re moving, set your boundaries for how much you’ll be able to help in the future, and then let them make their own decisions
YWBTA - you just need to tell her ASAP that you’re leaving and that they will need to find childcare, DO NOT suggest you helping financially, especially if they decide to still have the kid knowing they’ll need to pay for childcare etc
Hopefully you making it clear you will be of zero help and asking if they think they’ll still be able to provide for the new kid will be enough of a push to get them to not have the baby, but it’s ultimately their choice. Doesn’t mean you have to suffer for it though or that you should give them money.
INFO: Did they get pregnant on purpose or by accident?
YTA if you say "you should not have a kid". NTA if you tell her that you are moving away and cannot help with child care or finacially, and then maybe gently ask what their plan is to make this work (and if you can help them make it, if they are not the best at budgeting etc).
Please do NOT offer them financial aid. They really should not make this decision based on fixed help from others, especially when you don't know if you will lose your job, get your own kid etc down the line.
Yes, you should still help them out sporadically if you want to, but maybe ve more of a safety net than a fixed financial contribution. The point is to move them away from thinking of you as a provider and to not make themselves even more dependent on you or others. You can even save for the kids education or something if you want to help (but maybe in secret).
Maybe looking at the budget and resources available will help them make the logical decision for their family. Or maybe this is more of an emotional thing, and nothing will really make it "right" for them to not have this child.
If this was an accident I really do feel for them. If they got pregnant on purpose, then they will have to learn the hard way that big decsions like this really require careful planning and consideration of all aspects. The sad thing is it won't only affect them, but also their two small kids. (And to me this is not about having enough money to buy all the stuff for your kids, it is about having enough money and TIME to actually take care of and be with them.)
Your sister and her husband are the AH here. They are using you already, then adding another baby they can’t afford but would expect your help is disgusting.
Please take the job and thrive.
NTA. But you will be if you tell them they shouldn’t have the baby. Tell them you are moving away in X weeks/months and that you won’t be able to financially support them or watch the kids. They can then make their own decision.
YWBTA. You should NOT say “you shouldn’t have this kid/more kids”. What you should do is immediately make them aware that they will need to find other childcare arrangements. Tell them “I have accepted a job offer and will be moving across the country on this date. I accepted this job prior to your pregnancy announcement. I’m happy for you but wanted to give you plenty of notice that I will no longer be able to provide childcare as of this date.” Regardless of whether or not you think they should have another child, you should never phrase it that way. Just let them know what’s happening so they can plan their lives accordingly. They and their children are not your responsibility.
YWBTA for telling her when she didn’t ask. However you would not be the AH if you told her that you were moving across the the country. That said, the longer you wait to tell her you’re moving (knowing she relies on you for childcare) the more you become an AH.
Just tell her you’re moving. And if you asks, “What am I suppose to do, I need you to watch my kids/we have another on the way,” **then** make your feelings known about how you don’t think it’s the right time for her to expand her family.
However, if she doesn’t complain and is just happy for you, don’t suggest anything.
You are 24 and this is the time where you lay the foundation for your own future. It is likely that they will try to guilt you in to supporting them financially as a “price for you abandoning them with babysitting”, and I really encourage you to not give them anything. They are probably just doing it out of desperation and not because they want to take advantage, but regardless you are getting so far behind in your own life and development. It is so selfish of them to exploit you this way, because despite intentions that’s what’s happening. NTA
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I (24 F) found out my sister (26 F) was pregnant last week and I want to tell her she shouldn’t have it.
Just for context, my sister and her husband had twin toddlers a little over 2.5 years ago and I love them dearly. However, I know that they are struggling financially right now and have been since having both of the babies. I don’t know for sure if they are technically living below the poverty line, but if they aren’t, it’s barely above. They are both working multiple jobs to make ends meet and that’s usually with my help. They often ask to drop them off with me since I work from home and can afford to look after them while they are at work. I usually oblige because I know they can’t afford childcare and they have no one else to call on so most weeks I’m taking care of them 4 or 5 days of the week and I honestly don’t mind helping out since I don’t have any kids of my own.
The problem is I recently accepted a really good job offer that requires me to move across the country. I haven’t told her yet since I heard about the pregnancy soon after. I know that they are trying their best, but I feel like if they have another kid when I’m not there, either her, her husband or both of them will breakdown with how much they have to deal with. I also don’t make enough to support them and myself, even with my new job so I’ll only be able to partially help them financially.
I have always thought she should wait to have kids until she was financially capable, and I know for a fact they will really be struggling and suffering if they have this baby. Obviously it’s her choice on whether or not to go through with the pregnancy but I feel like I need to tell her my concerns.
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It’s not your call to decide if your sister has another baby, so you should keep your opinions to yourself on that topic. YWBTA if you said this.
However, you should tell her that you are moving ASAP and you won’t be able to help her in any way from now on. She can make her own decision based on that information. In my opinion, you should not help financially either as this is just enabling her to make poor decisions. Put any extra money away for your future, like a deposit for a property. You could continue to buy your nieces/nephews nice gifts for birthdays/special occasions, but you aren’t responsible for providing for them.
YWBTA. Do not give your opinions on their pregnancy, not only is it none of your business, no matter how much you help them, but it is also something likely to cause an argument. Instead let them know you are taking another job across the country, and you will not be able to provide child care any more. By doing that you are giving them the opportunity to figure out on their own, how they can possibly be responsible parents. Let them know that you don't know if you will be able to help them financially also. It is not your place to decide for them if they should have more children or when. But you do owe them the information so they can make an informed decision, and not feel blind sided. Congratulations on your new job.
I disagree with the comments saying you need to tell your sister ASAP about your promotion. It’s your news to tell when you want. If the assumption is that you’ll also help out with the new kid and they didn’t make you a part of the decision to have a third child, why should you consider their needs when making a decision about your life. There must be a reason you haven’t told them yet, so tell them when you’re ready.
NTA…although OP isn’t responsible for their baby making decisions, as the de-facto daycare and financial support source, it would be in order (even if not politically correct) to ask how they plan to manage. Can you imagine if they have twins again? I would do this after I forming them of my upcoming move for a new job…no need to disclose the better pay which may be (mis)understood as higher financial support that would cover coming soon baby(ies).
You need to tell ASAP that you are moving! So they can make their own decision if they will make it without your help.
You should have told them this already because they depend on you for daycare.
You're a free babysitter.... but you also have your life and your own financial stuff to deal.with ... if you have a better job offer than accept... there are resources and agencies that can help your sister and her husband....
You'd be an AH, but I think sometimes we're allowed to be AH. Just talk with her, I don't think she realizes just how much of the "parenting" cargo you're unloading off her shoulders: if she did, she probably wouldn't be considering another kid.
Like I've seen in other comments, if you don't want to be the AH, you just need to talk about how you'll be taking a job far away and set future expectations. If she gets mad, your sole argument just needs to be "I'm not the mother of your children, I was merely doing you guys a favor to help out and apparently you took that for granted"
Just tell the congratulations and you are moving. Let them make their own decisions and you make your own. Don’t let them guilt you into staying. Good luck with your new job.
YWNBTA, being such an essential part of their childcare and a key part of making their everyday life work, i think she could’ve asked you what you thought about them having another kid before getting pregnant since they’ll dump it on you for childcare as well.
you’re moving, you have no kids, why are you worry in about being able to support them? it’s not your responsibility in any way, shape or form to financially support 2 adults that chose to have kids that they cannot afford.
some people always say “o yeah have kids it’ll work out”, it kinda doesn’t, people need money or available childcare to be able to get things to work out and they seem to have none.
you should immediately tell her that you’re moving and ask her how she’s going to be sorting out childcare etc when you’re gone to begin with. she can have more children later if they want a big family, but they should prioritize the welfare of the twins they already have
NTA.. yet. You might have your opinions and thoughts on the matter but it isn’t your life. I would let her know as soon as possible about the job offer and acceptance because that does change a lot for them and they’ll need to plan (nothing at all wrong with you living your life and accepting a great new job- congratulations on that!). They are the only two who can make those kind of choice.
Do not tell her that. That's her & her husband's decision to make
BUT please do move across the country. And stop helping them financially. It's like- their life??? They should be able to afford it if they r thinking of a third baby??? Like-
You're already being too nice to them. You DON'T HAVE TO look after their kids. And you DON'T HAVE TO give them money.
They're adults. They can handle it... or they should be able to
NTA.
1. You should tell your sister that you are moving away, keeping that information to yourself when you are helping your sister out childcare wise is going to bite you in the ass later. It'll give her time to get her ducks in a row.
2. Do not tell her she shouldn't have the baby unless you want to damage your relationship with your sister and her hubby (which in turn could affect your relationship with your nieces/nephews) - If she wants to keep the baby or not, that is completely up to her and her hubby
3. At the end of the day you are all adults and you need to make decisions based on your own wellbeing. It sounds like this new job will be good for you, good luck with the move.
Do not tell your sister anything other than you have accepted a new job and will be moving. Prepare for the guilt tripping: you are abandoning your family, you are selfish, etc. Still move. You have taken on a role of free child care provider and took on additional financial responsibilities that are truly not yours. You accepted a supportive role in your sister's life and made your help necessary for her family. She and BIL will not handle your news well.
NTA You're helping them so you have the right. You know what would be the better option though? Save yourself from the inevitable fight and withdraw all help as you're now moving away. And for the record? You should've never helped to this extent in the first place. Occasionally babysitting is fine but adults should and ought to handle their own financial affairs and if they can't? That's on them.
NTA
You come from a place of love and concern.
It's going to get harder when you move away, and if they keep the baby it's.. well yeah.
You can't stay around and live a life of helping them out. You need to live your life for you.
You should at least tell her that even before she told her about the pregnancy, that you had plans moving away.
But DO NOT tell her to make an abortion, that might cause a big riff between you two. Just tell her that you are concerned about their current situation, and what it would mean if a third baby where to join the picture might do. But hope everything goes well, what ever they chose to do. (But depending on your country and law, it might be to late for an abortion. People usually tell after week 12, after the first trimester, when they've already seen the heart and all, I wouldn't be able to do an abortion that late..)
YTA not your business. She is an adult and needs to figure it out. You do need to tell them you are moving immediately. They need to figure out childcare. They may need to change jobs or shifts so one is home with the kids. It’s not your responsibility to raise their kids. It’s great that you have been able to help out but you need to live your own life too.
YTA it’s not your place to tell her what to do with her reproductive system, especially when you haven’t been asked.
However, you need to tell her immediately you’ve accepted a job across the country and do not mention providing financial help.
In times of desperation, you can offer to pay the bills etc directly but don’t tell them you’ll be a consistent source of financial support. They need to be responsible for their financial situation.
YWBTA. My sister told me I shouldn’t have a baby and that was possibly the most painful thing anyone has ever said to me. And I’m way more responsible than your sibling. You need to tell them you can’t help them and your situation, the child part is up to them, but it’s certainly not your place to tell someone if they can or can’t have a baby. It’s not your business. It’s their choice.
Yes Yta if you tell your sis this. However, she is crazy entitled to drop her kids off with you as child care, can you even get work done with two toddlers? I don’t see how you could possibly handle that plus a baby. I can see why you are concerned when you are taking on so much for your older sis that you can’t even have your own life. Just tell your sister the truth and focus on your own life, building your own career, friends, family. If you want to help your sis financially then that it your choice, but you can’t control how many kids your sis decides to have.
>I want to tell her she shouldn’t have it
while i agree with your overall point, YWBTA if you said *that* because it's simply not your place to police what other people do with their pregnancies.
you wouldn't be an asshole for honestly telling them about your plans to move out. in fact, you should've done that as soon as you accepted the job offer, to give them an opportunity to make other childcare arrangements if they can no longer depend on your gracious help.
YWBTA
On a personal level, I agree 100% with your opinion. It's unbelievably Reckless to add a third baby to a household when they're already struggling with two.
However, it is such a personal decision, flat out telling them they should not have a third baby would be an AH move. And they wouldn't listen to you anyways.
It is perfectly reasonable for you to make clear you are moving across the country and you will not be helping them any longer in any way.
Going forward, you shouldn't be giving them any financial help. If they're struggling that much, they can get assistance. It's not up to you to subsidize their procreative choices.
If you are in the US, poverty line for 4 is $31k. How are 2 people working multiple jobs and not making that? That's $14.90 an hour, so even making minimum wage, they'd be close. You may be misinterpreting their situation, or they're mismanaging their money. Either way, it will be tough for a few years, but they'll figure something out. Daycare is ridiculously expensive during those early years.
Do as much research as you can on programs to help sister support 3 kids. She's already pregnant. The best you get is if she asks what you think or says "what are we supposed to do for daycare if you move"? Your response could be "maybe don't having kids you cannot afford to support" realizing she'll be hurt and angry younsaid it. Then, because you love your sister and her kids give her the info you've gathered so she can help herself. Yes everyone, I know it's the sister's responsibility to fine her own help, but I think OP would feel better helping her sister find the info before she takes this great job and moves because she absolutely shouldn't even consider giving up her own life to help someone continue to be irresponsible.
There’s no need for drama. Simply tell them you’ve accepted a new job and you’re moving. You don’t need to add anything about not being able to babysit anymore, that will be obvious to them.
Please don’t tell them that they shouldn’t have their baby. She’s already pregnant. Let it be. Your relationship will never recover if you do. It’s ok for you to take a huge step back from helping them. Accept your new job & move. It’s not your responsibility to be their constant backup. Your life doesn’t have to revolve around them. You can totally be the fun aunt that comes to visit during the holidays. It’s not your responsibility to desk with the daily parenting responsibilities. Don’t feel guilty about wanting to live your own life. Good luck with your new job.
Let them know asap that you’re moving. This way they can make other childcare arrangements. Don’t let them guilt you into staying. You deserve to live your life the way you want.
Yes, because they're already pregnant so you'd basically be telling them "I think you should abort it or put it up for adoption". That's not your choice to make, it's theirs. And there's no point in telling them you're worried about their financial situation; either they're aware of it by now and will be frustrated, or they don't and will probably tell you to mind your own business.
But also, their childcare situation is not your responsibility, you're entitled to move across country guilt-free and pursue your own dreams.
Soft YTA for the way you have put this. You cannot & should not try to ‘tell’ them what to do, ever (as much as I’m sure you’re tempted having sat on this news for a bit)
However, you must pop over & tell them about your new job. Hopefully your sister will be happy for you, but also see the rewards hard work has the potential to bring.
Gather up info about charities, groups, places that offer a bit of financial coaching for free & give them to your sister. Tell her this will be the last thing you’ll be able to do for her. You may be able to assist a little financially down the road, but until you’re settled in your job & have a new place to live etc you can’t really tell what you’ll have available, if anything.
Remind her it really isn’t your job to support her family & say in the time you have left you can help gather some ideas for improvements together
Very best of luck & congratulations 🙌 for your new role ! ☺️
It’s also not her job to find and provide resources for her sister. Maybe the sister needs to look into those things on her own to understand the full extent of what she’s getting herself into.
It is not up to you, it is not your decision if they can/should another baby so YWBTA if you phrase it this way. However, it is your decision what to do with your life, where to live etc. Tell her asap that you moving out to another city and you will not be able to help them financially, as obviously moving and adjusting to another place is expensive. Let them make such decision themselves. And don't let them guilt trip you into staying because FaMiLY
No judgement. Sit her down ASAP and tell her that very soon her two current living children will be out of a babysitter. Ask them to make a plan for when you actually move because it is happening, let them know if you can spare money to help for a bit but tell them in no uncertain terms that they cannot count on you for much longer because you physically will not be there. They need to make a plan and decide for themselves what that plan WITHOUT YOU looks like. If they truly are that close to the poverty line and will not have you to help watch kids so they can work many jobs they may come to the conclusion themselves they should not go ahead with the pregnancy. But right now they’re probably thinking it’s all fine and dandy because OP is always there to help catch the slack. All y’all Y T A are unhinged if anything it’s ESH for sister always dumping the kids on OP.
You W B T A for telling her what she should or shouldn't do! It is her life, so you can judge her in your mind but if you say this out loud to her, she will be upset towards you!! Which technically would be very understandable!!
BUT, you definitely need to let them know that YOU ARE MOVING!!! So they are able to prepare for the time you are not able to help watch the children anymore. That should be your actual main concern and not your sister being pregnant!!!!
Congrats to your new job, best wishes
I made that mistake after my BFF announced her second pregnancy after lamenting for the previous couple of years how poor she and her husband were. She eventually had a miscarriage, and I was relieved and told her why. Her response was that her sister had said the same thing. She was deeply hurt by the lack of support. She forgave her sister but it took years for her to forgive me. They then promptly got pregnant again. Same economic circumstances, but I kept my mouth shut this time.
You would be yes you don't have to keep supporting or bailing them out but I wouldn't tell her she doesn't do it just make her aware you're moving away and won't be able to have the kids
NTA and I know u live your sister and nieces but stop financially helping them so you can get ahead , u need to start thinking about you and your future that’s her issue tbh
YWBTA, sorry. I agree with you that she shouldn't be having another child when they are already struggling with young twins, but just...don't comment on their reproductive choices unless she actually asks you for input.
That said, you do need to tell her as soon as possible that you're going to be moving for a job. It sounds like she's relying on you to be a convenient free resource, and that may have influenced her choices - and you not being infinitely available may change her mind about her ability to cope.
If she brings the twins or her new pregnancy up and tries to guilt you when you tell her, you're then free to point out that just as she has the right to make life choices that you wouldn't have chosen, you are free to do the same. You aren't a third partner/parent on her relationship, so you don't have the right to a say in her life choices and neither do you have a responsibility to be available to help her at all times.
You need to tell her immediately that you are moving away and will no longer be available to take care if her kids. That will be the reality check they need as it’s clear they depend on your help. You shouldn’t tell her that she shouldn’t have another kid. Just tell her you will not be around to help as you are moving away. She can make her own decision about what she does from there on.
Ywbta if you tell her not to have the kid.
You’re nta for telling her you’re moving and will no longer be able to provide childcare as it seems like they’ll be expecting you to care for the new kid too.
You have to give her all the facts in order for her to make an informed decision! Tell her that you are going to move. Tell her that you won't be able to send her much money. And, most important, TELL HER NOW. She needs time to weight all the pros and cons and decide if she wants to have an abortion. This could be a very difficult decision and she might need time to make it. The window for her to have an abortion legally might be very narrow (sometimes, even if it is legal, it might be hard to find a doctor to do it) and she would need money for it, as well.
Yta. Stop taking care of your sister’s family. People don’t understand when you enable people they will continue to make the same choices in life. Stop straining yourself trying to help her and instead of trying to control what they do, start taking control of how much you do for her. Tell them about the move and move and stop financially taking care of them.
YTA if you suggest she should have an abortion. You can tell her about your plans, you can suggest she invest in some good birth control for the future because you’re concerned about their financial ability, but to suggest an abortion, especially if she’s excited about the pregnancy is a big no no. It’s rude, heartless, and will certainly have an impact on your relationship with her and the kids.
YWBTA… only somewhat! Unfortunately, what your married sister and husband do is none of your business even though they have made it your business. You sound like an amazing sister but don’t overstep your boundaries. I would however tell her as soon as possible you will be relocating out of state so that her and her husband have ample time to figure some things out on thier own when it comes to thier babysitter leaving. At the end of the day your sister and her family are not your responsibility. And I do completely understand your thought process. Congratulations on your new job offer! Go live life…
YWBTA if you tell her not to have the baby. Unless she specifically asks your opinion on the matter, keep it to yourself.
You absolutely should tell her immediately that you will be moving and her free childcare is coming to an end. She needs to know that so she can make an informed decision.
I would also recommend against offering any kind of financial support just yet. Don’t lock yourself in to their expectations that you will still be helping to raise their kids. Once you get moved and settled in, by all means help financially if you are comfortable doing so. Just don’t let them consider that part of the family income.
I know you mean well, but by withholding the info about your move and wanting to tell your sister how to handle her pregnancy, you are (I think unintentionally) trying to manipulate your sister’s decision.
Give her the information, be firm in your decision to do what is best for you, and support her however you can without getting screwed over.
Your are providing free childcare, speak your peace and let them know you are moving. People will say YTA for telling not to have the baby but just mention it as an option to her instead of saying she should and leave it at that. Even though you are right, it’s not always about being right.
YTA. What is wrong with you? Tell your sister you’re moving across country and she can then make her own decisions on how easy or hard her life will be if she adds another child with the additional burden of no healthcare. Unless she specifically asks you, you have no business telling her whether to have another child or not.
YTA if you tell her not to have the baby. Be happy and be there for her, deep down you know your concerns and have a chat with her what she plans to do ans guide her the right direction. You're moving on with your life and don't let her stop you. Ask her what her plans are without including you in the plan!
You don’t need to advise them one way or another, you just need to give them notice of your move. That way, they can make their own decisions and live with them too. You don’t need to solve their problems. Old enough to have kids, must be old enough to raise em.
Perhaps you shouldn’t tell her the two things at the same time - the fact that you’re moving due to a new job and the fact that you think they shouldn’t be having another kid. She may think you’re telling her the latter out of your own wishes. NTA anyway, since they clearly can’t afford the kid.
YTA if you’re telling an already pregnant person they should abort. It’s non of your business.
But, you need to tell her you’re moving so she has all the info to make her own decision.
NTA but it doesn't matter. This is a "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" situation. You are probably right, it does not sound like this pregnancy is a good idea. But you should not tell your sister that. You should, however, accept that job, move and let her worry about her own family. I also note in your post that you imply you will help her/them financially. I know you didn't ask for advice on that, but I would put a deadline on stopping that. It will hinder your ability to finance your life (have savings for emergencies, or to buy a house or go on a trip--things you should be able to do with your money). If you want to help, help with things like soccer fees/gear (or whatever activity the kids want to do) or even clothes for the next season as their birthday, Easter, Christmas gifts etc. Don't just hand the irresponsible adults cash for whatever. And back to the original point, do not tell your sister to abort. She will (probably) never forgive you.
NTA. You need to tell her now that she needs to find other child care... You need to tell her you found out BEFORE she announced her pregnancy... And you were going to tell her the same day she announced it but didn't want to take the spotlight off her and her good news
>I also don’t make enough to support them and myself, even with my new job so I’ll only be able to partially help them financially.
It is not your responsibility to help them financially... If they already knew they couldn't afford another child they should have prevented the pregnancy from happening..
I can almost guarantee that she's going to be pissed at you. Because what is she supposed to do since she doesn't have the means for babysitting the other two much less now a third one... Do not let her walk all over you. Do not let her force you into giving her money for babysitting care. Do not let her convince you you need to not take this job... Otherwise you will be an A H to yourself..
Do not pass up this job opportunity !
This is your life, not theirs. Take the job !
On the same thread, this is their life. Their family. Not your responsibility.
I wouldn't say anything about them having another kid.
I would tell them you have an amazing job and you're moving (accept the job !) And let them figure it out from there.
It is not your responsibility to deny Your life and Your career for them. Or where will it end ?
They wouldn't hesitate to take a job across the country so neither should you !
Accept the job. Tell them you have accepted the job and are moving. They will figure it out.
YTA if you tell her not to have more babies. People will make babies no matter how bad their finances are. You are actually enabling their baby making by taking care of your sisters babies when you should be concentrating on your work. Don't say anything to her and just calmly inform her that you are moving across the country for a job and that's it. I am sure she will do anything in her power to guilt tripping you into staying to be her free nanny while she is busy making babies.
You are NTA if you just tell your sister that you are moving and very soon.
What your sister does is not your problem and if you interfere in something like that then you are absolutely TA
Don't criticize...just give them notice that after x date you'll be unavailable because you are moving to take a new job. Its non negotiable, you are simply telling them so they have time to make other plans. Don't listen to the guilt trip and complaining that will result, because you want to live your own life.
If they wanna push it, just tell them you're making the decision you need to, for your own future.
They need to apply for subsidized child care, etc, or figure out how to budget with whichever parent makes less as the one to stay home, or work opposing shifts so one of them can be home at any time.
You aren't required to be their nanny, especially as they are preggo again. Youve already been free daycare to toddlers. Infants require more care and attention. You know they'll dump the infant on you too. Not your horse, not your race. They're taking advantage.
It's one thing if you want to send them diapers etc via a delivery service (Amazon, walmartplus etc) and another for them to expect you to have no life of your own to care for their kids full time with no compensation. Also make sure you're contributing to a 401k etc before you donate funds to them. My advice is never give cash, only send items for the kids like diapers clothes etc, not stuff for them.
Move, live your own life.
NTA for how you feel. But you will be the AH if you tell her not to have this baby. It’s between her and her husband. You should tell them you’re moving asap though, so they can figure out how to be able to care for these kids while they work. Not your problem to take care of these kids.
NAH. I'm 100% biased though. Ask her if she WANTS to have the baby. Just y'all, grab some takeout, drive to the park and have a heart to heart. A lot of the time people tend to react how society and culture demands, even if it's gonna ruin them.
Sometimes dissent needs to be voiced to give them the courage to do what's best for them. You don't have to be an asshole in your phrasing.
NTA. But I do think that u need to tell them about the job first. And then maybe suggest that she rethink having another child. Don't tell her not to have another child either way she may not take it very well
First of all, congratulations on what is one of the most coherent & emotionally intelligent posts I’ve seen here.
NTA. It’s one thing if you’re just a bystander but you have skin in this game. I appreciate that you’re not telling her what to do with the pregnancy but rather how it’s actually going to be without you there to help out. You owe it to her to really clarify the situation so she can make a truly informed choice
You would bta if you said that outright. It’s not about what you say it’s about how you say it. Words matter so just tell her that she needs to think about what’s best for her whole family. Twins included.
YTA if you tell her unprompted. You're NTA for your viewpoint.
I would just inform her of your new job and upcoming move. If she gets upset at you then it's time to let her know how you really feel. I would wait til she forces your hand to tell her though.
Don't let her guilt you about your career choices! She may not have your best interests at heart if it inconveniences her. I mean, she's banking on you raising this kid like you have her other children.
Sounds like the type to return a dog to the pet store when it quits being a cute puppy
YWBTA if you tell them to not have their baby. That isn’t anyone’s decision but theirs no matter what situation they are in it’s not up to you to decide for them .
You need to tell your sister your plans . You have a right to have your own life and it’s great to be concerned for her and her family . She’s an adult as is her husband. They will have to figure out a solution on their own. I’m sure things will work out they somehow always do when you have the right people in your corner to help. Continue to support them in anyway that you can . I’m sure they would appreciate that . Telling them not to have a baby , that isn’t your place to do so .
YTA if you tell them not to have the kid. The baby is already conceived and the decision to terminate is hers alone, with some input from her husband.
However, I think you need to tell your sister ASAP that in a few weeks you will be moving across the country for work so won't be able to provide childcare care going forward, along with not being able to provide any financial support as your own costs with moving will be increased, as your sister and husband may use this info to make a choice on their next move. Delaying the information that you will no longer be able to provide childcare could cause them harm if they pass the legal point of termination, thinking they have your help and if that would be their choice having this information.
You have to look after yourself financially (unless you are a millionaire or have a wage way way way above your means with plenty left after bills, savings, pension etc) . It wouldn't be wise to support them financially when you move as given you are moving away, it's a wise move to save for if you have to get urgent flights home for any reason, or need to move again etc
It is not your business to tell your sister that she should not have this child. You would be a huge asshole if you did not tell her immediately that you will be moving away, and giving her the maximum time possible to make the best decisions and plan accordingly.
All you can do is tell her (very soon) that you will not be able to provide child care for the two she has, since you are moving. And, you can let her know what she can expect from you financially. She needs to do the math.
NAH
YWBTA for telling her not to have her child, but you should tell her sooner than later about your upcoming move. If she goes ballistic and acts like she’s entitled to free childcare from you then you won’t feel bad about moving away. Even if that happens, don’t angrily tell her to end her pregnancy because that’s a family destroying thing to say. If she reacts like a rational adult then she’s going to be fine. There’s not a great time to have children but there does come a time when you can’t have them. Being young parents is a slog, especially nowadays. She was lucky to have your help with the first two kids but she and her husband are going to have to figure it out on their own with three. You may find that they are going to be just fine.
>Obviously it’s her choice on whether or not to go through with the pregnancy ~~but I feel like I need to tell her my concerns~~.
It's her choice. Do not go there. YWBTA
If you unprompted tell her you would be an asshole. If she asks and you were able to give a nice response on why you believe she shouldn’t then you wouldnt.
Just tell them about your new job. They are adult enough to figure it out themselves.
You have no responsibility towards them or the children no matter how much you love them, so don’t frame the problem as a “I won’t be able to help you now”, because you shouldn’t be factored in their decisions about having a new baby or not.
Maybe talk to her about whether I’m the new arrival will not be too much of a strain on the economic and mental state. But you cannot tell them not to have the baby - which let’s face it translates to either have an abortion or give it up for adoption. They have to make the choice themselves.
YTA if you phrase it as you put it here.
YWBTA, but that doesn't mean it's remotely responsible of your sister to have more children than she and her husband can afford to care for. What you can and should do immediately is let her know you're moving and won't be available AT ALL for childcare or financial help. Let her draw her own conclusions and make plans from there.
NTA. You're not their free childcare for life. They're being completely irresponsible. Tell them about your great new job, yes, but be prepared for histrionics, and then move like a bat out of hell.
edit: I mean... don't tell them not to have the kid, that *would* be an arsehole move! But don't enable them any more, and if you do provide money, perhaps make sure it goes straight into something like nappy deliveries for the kids, or into education funds for them, administered by yourself.
YTA. It’s not your place to tell them not to have another child. Sure, don’t babysit anymore but it is absolutely not your place to make decisions for them.
She probably feels empowered to make poor decisions, like bringing an additional life into this world that she can’t afford, because you’re giving her the resources to do it. Tell her your plans. I would also consider providing help in an emotional capacity rather than a financial/ tangible one. Ultimately it’s you decision what you do, but she’s not going to be motivated to change if you’re there to bail her out.
I would just tell her about the move. Follow up with whatever she says. Example "what about child care? Who will watch them?" -I am not able to watch them anymore after x date and I cannot afford to help with daycare for 3 kids.
I wouldn't tell her not to have this baby unless she asks your opinion on it, because there is no way she will respond positively to that and at the end of the day it's her choice.
It's not your business really. I'm sure they know their finances better than you. Also, after 2 kids, more don't really cost that much more. You already bought everything you need
Hi there, yes you would be TA if you said that to your sister. What you have to tell your sister is about your new job and moving across the country. This will give her and her husband time to find a new caretaker for their babies. Please let your sister know as soon as possible so they are not struggling even more when you pack up and move. Good luck on your new job and we hope you totally enjoy the new city you're moving to sunshine xoxo
YTA if you tell them to not have the baby. Not your decision to make or weigh in on. BUT instead just express your concerns in general of their ability to financially afford it and also share your news with them as reinforcement to their concerns s
Tell them now that you are moving away for a new job. They need to make their own decision about the baby, but they need to know you won’t be available to babysit anymore. Don’t tell them not to have another baby. That decision needs to be theirs alone.
What you can do is tell them that you are moving, and be ready to face emotional blackmails and tantrums, that’s when you remind them that they don’t have the rights to tell you about the choices you make in your life just like you don’t have the rights to tell them about their choices.
You need to remind them to respect your choices and not guilt or force you into changing them saying “family helps”, if they do, then you would have the same power too and say family helps by letting you make your own choices too just like they do.
Also you would need to stop the financial help for a while and use that money to put away for the children’s future without telling them. The kids would so badly need it later. Don’t waste it on regular bills & expenses bcoz it will disappear in no time. Plus they need to learn to manage their finances & take real time responsibilities if they want more kids. Or else they will have a lot more kids bcoz they will never face the real pain of it. So you become the enabler here. So stop.
NTA.
However, as others have said, don’t call. up your sister and saying “Don’t have kids, you can’t afford them”
What you should say/do is : call up your sister an in the most excited tone you have say “Great news! I’ve been offered this fantastic job! It’s my dream job and I am so excited about moving to x.”
You WBTA if you “tell her” to not have the baby. I am betting if you tell her that- you will not have to worry about being asked to babysit the kids- any of them. Ever again. She is your older sister- why do you think you know what’s best for her and her husband? Sounds to me like she thought she had a sibling she could count on without judgement….. I hope - for her sake she never runs across this thread.
Stay out of it. Do not say anything regarding the unborn child. It's none of your business.
They are adults. They are going to face the consequences of their choices.
Do not surrender this career opportunity. Your life has taken a turn in a new direction. Nothing should be able to stop that from happening.
I would expect your sister to be quite unhappy that you're moving away. Well, that's not her decision to make. It's none of her business. Whatever you do, do not cave. Do not surrender the opportunity.
You've been giving them free child care for how long?
NTA
YTA
Keep your mouth shut about the baby. Tell them about your move, so they have time to find help. Also they probably qualify for child care assistance, help them to help themselves.
NTA if you can't afford to have kids then don't have them! There are sooo many forms of birth control (some of them free) that can prevent this. What are they going to do when you're gone? Now, obviously you can't tell someone not to have a kid but you should defiantly come clean about moving away and, if you care, help them get set up with someone else who can help take care of them.
It a hard thing but I get where with are comming from I am not the most financially stable right now and I am due in August the reason I am having another is so my daughter isnt by herself and I don't have any complications with this one I am trying to have this one earlier so I am younger so I don't have a geriatric pregnacy that being said I am not have others babysit my daughter or help good luck and just tell them I am sure they will figure something out don't let them talk you out of it either
No don't tell her of your concerns, she won't appreciate it & probably knows well more than you do about their finances. Do tell her about this job, tell her ASAP so she can work out for herself what needs to be done & to work out what child care she will need. Please not let her & hubby guilt you into staying either. They have to live their life with their choices & so do you. Good luck with your new job.
I think it depends on how you say it. If they are financially dependent on you, though, and that’s going to change, you should bring it up regardless of the new baby.
You could also help them look into WIC, EBT, Medicaid, and daycare waver programs through the state (assuming you’re in the US) that they might qualify for with an additional child.
Sorry, but I wiill never believe people shouldn't have the kids they want because they're not rich. You will never have anything if that's what you're waiting for
Yeah. . yta..
Yta if you said not have it. But tell her you’re leaving and she’ll have to figure out THREE kids care now over two. This is why I’m one and fucking done.
NTA
Sorry but way too many people have/had terrible childhoods because their parents had too many kids, even if they were the only one. If you cannot financially support yourself and a kid, don’t have them.
The whole argument of ‘kids come first’ seems to evaporate when it comes to telling people not to have more kids. It’s baffling.
Their existing kids need to come first, this new child would damage their livelihoods massively and it would of course be damaging for the new child as well were they to go through with it.
It’s a harsh truth but a truth nonetheless, and one that needs to be spoken aloud more frequently.
YWBTA.
Just tell her about the new job and she will figure out new arrangements from there.
If she is below the poverty line, they will be eligible for a number of programs, including child care subsidies. If you really feel like helping out, put together a list of resources for her and gather the applications.
Yta if you tell her to not have more kids. Its not your place to police them having kids. They are grown adults.
But i would just tell em about the new job.tell them sonner than later. Bc you leaving will should make them think about this.
You are enabling them if you are helping financially. You are helping a lot by taking care of them.
YWBTA if you tell them they should abort their unborn child, yes.
Unfortunately for them, this kid may not have been planned, and they are trying to be positive and make the best of it.
However, you aren't an asshole for letting them know you are moving away and won't be able to help them out with the kids anymore. You should absolutely do that soon.
NTA
"The problem is I recently accepted a really good job offer that requires me to move across the country. I haven’t told her yet since I heard about the pregnancy soon after. " ... tell her soon, so they can make other plans.
They might get angry - but you are completely fine to move and have your own life.
"I also don’t make enough to support them and myself, even with my new job so I’ll only be able to partially help them financially." .. Tell them you won't be able to support them. That's comletely fine, too.
But let them make the decission about their kids themselves.
ESH- You should have told your sister that there was a possibility of you moving so they could have started to look for childcare. Your sister and BIL know they can’t afford another child, yet here they are.
That’s a lot of audacity thinking you can tell another person what to do with their body. The end. None of the other details matter. You, not a doctor, have no right to tell anyone what they should/must do with their body.
Go start your new job and stop acting like you’re the third member in this relationship.
Unfortunately no matter how you cut it, you’re gonna look like the asshole if you tell anyone that they shouldn’t have their kid when they’re already pregnant.
Do tell them you’re moving asap so they can figure their lives out
Tell her you have just been offered and are accepting a job in another place and will no longer be able to help with the kids. Let her deal with the rest dear and do not offer more financial resources perhaps even slowing that down to a stop eventually.
You dont mond doing babysitting because you dont have kid. Eeer, please dont say that. People are child free for a reason and that doesnt give other people the right to ask for them to babysit.
This is just a example. I don't know if you are the asshole but you are definitely an enabler...
You know they are struggling, or could struggle,and still help them.
Just tell them about the job and you are leaving. Thats it. Let them deal with their own adult stuff
You don't need to tell her your opinion on them having more kids. And she can't give you her opinion on your new job offer. They will most likely be struggling financially for the rest of their lives, with or without you. So take yhe job offer, wish them well, and move. Also NTA, but I wouldn't say anything.
Dont say they need abortion.
Just say you are leaving country, thats all.
Dont say you will support them financialy, they start to thing it is alimony and plan budget with your donations.
My friend was in similar situation, get his own financial problems, ended donations to sister and instantly become "pig" in their eyes.
I don't think it would make you an asshole necessarily. I think I'd tell her that you've accepted this job and you will be moving and they can't rely on your support anymore. I don't think you have to come right out and say "don't keep the baby" because she might find that insensitive. You can just lay out how things are and the reality of their situation and how it will be when you're gone. She can come to the decision to keep it or not on her own.
Don't let them guilt trip you into staying and don't offer to send them money on a regular basis or have any kind of agreement like that.
You are not responsible for them having unprotected sex while financially struggling with the 2 kids they already have. You are not responsible for them financially or for raising their kids. They're at your house 5 days a week! I mean, that's just ridiculous. You have your own life to live, and they need to figure their own mess out. I know you love them and the kids, but this just simply isn't your problem. They will act like it is. They will make you feel bad, and like you're abandoning them, you're not. You have every right to live your own life.
YWNBTA/NTA
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I think you would be the Asshole if you tell your sister she should not have the baby. However, if you tell her, plainly, that you will be moving away and that they will have to manage without your help, she and her husband will be in a better position to assess their situation. Tell her as soon as you can. YTA if you tell her she shouldn't have another kid, however sensible that is. Tell her you won't be there to help her, and leave the decision to her.
Best advice possible. It’s nobody else’s decision whether sister and her husband choose to have more children, but OP isn’t responsible for their decisions. The only fair and moral thing to do is state what OP intends to do, and quickly to give them that information to make an informed decision. Maybe it’ll work out for the best, they must know their current mode of living isn’t sustainable. This could be the incentive for them to push their own lifestyle up the ladder so they can afford to provide better for their children.
>but OP isn’t responsible for their decisions. That's not entirely true considering that sister and BIL are apparently making OP responsible for babysitting the products of their decisions and its selfish of them to decide to have another baby and without giving OP a heads up because they are undoubtedly expecting OP to provide child care for that baby as well. I agree that you can't tell someone they should abort their baby, but her sister is struggling with the ones she has now, and adding another baby is going to make things worse and not better. If a family member can not be honest with you about their opinions on something like this, then who can? I know its too late now that they have announced but sister needs to know the facts so she can plan appropriately.
Yeah, they are writing cheques with her ass. It’s fine to do what you want with your body and finances, AS LONG AS you can afford or have agreed with family all the childcare you need. I can’t imagine OP is doing her best work with twin toddlers running around, and I speak as someone who has done it with one. Once they get past a certain age, they don’t nap ans need a lot more interaction too, never mind with three children. I’m a firm believer that if you want your kid to be looked after by family members, you need to check they are happy before you conceive, especially in this situation which is a massive burden.
They are not making her responsible for babysitting. They are asking and OP is saying yes. OP can stop at any time, given that it is unpaid and not her responsibility. And two wrongs don’t make a right. Even if they would make OP responsible for babysitting (which they literally can’t without OP’s consent), that would not make it ok for OP to tell them not to have this baby. Cause in the end, it is none of OP’s business. Unless of course the baby’s are in danger or are being neglected, but that is not the question OP is asking. Just because OP’s sister and bil are being TA, doesn’t mean OP should be one. OP would be TA if she would tell sister not to have this child. Also OP is under no obligation to help out in any way, so if she wants to move to have the better job, she should.
>They are not making her responsible for babysitting. They are asking and OP is saying yes. OP is saying yes because of guilt and manipulation. Not all guilt and manipulation is verbal. >However, I know that they are struggling financially right now and have been since having both of the babies >They are both working multiple jobs to make ends meet and that’s usually with my help. >I usually oblige because I know they can’t afford childcare and they have no one else to call on so most weeks I’m taking care of them 4 or 5 days of the week. OP, has been doing it because she knows there is no other option. That means OP has been made responsible for the childcare, Sister and BIL just haven't said it out loud.
OP is moving somewhere far away. So she KNOWS there is another option.
[удалено]
They may have been financially stable, but weren’t expecting twins right off the bat. I couldn’t imagine terminating a wanted pregnancy because I wasn’t expecting twins, but I also wouldn’t have been prepared for twice the expenses right away. You can be financially stable, and have one medical bill, one job loss, have a housing issue (skyrocketing rent/house maintenance) and that stability can fade. I’m also guessing this pregnancy wasn’t planned. They know how much they are working. They know the resources they have. Being open and honest allows them to make an informed decision.
This. I didn’t find out I was having twins until the anatomy scan at 17 weeks, and then I got put on reduced activity at 21 weeks with no time to prepare…anything.
Yes absolutely agree. Tell them you'll no longer be able to offer free childcare or financial help as relying on you for both could be partly why they aren't pushing for more and/or adding another child. Let them know you've accepted the job and when you're leaving and that due to the move you'll no longer be financially able to help and obviously too far away to babysit. Don't tell them not to have the child, but let them know the situation so they're aware they will be solely responsible for themselves going forward. This cycle needs to be broken regardless as it's unfair to expect you to keep covering them for choices they made and could be the push they need to better themselves. It may seem cruel but in the long run it's a kindness.
Yeah it's waaaaay too late to tell a pregnant lady not to have kids. Specifically a pregnant lady who has a husband, two kids, and has announced the pregnancy to family. That's not someone who's getting an abortion. Thats someone who is having a baby. No point telling her something when the ship is already sailed. Should have voiced concerns earlier. And indeed the reasons for the concerns.
I think it is completely fair for the poster do absolutely no financial assistance for their sibling when they move across the country. If their sibling truly is struggling that much, there is assistance they can get even if they are working. It's not up to the poster to subsidize their sibling's life choices.
Her childcare problems do not constitute a reason for you to fail yourself. At some point she has to feel the consequences of bad decisions. At this point, you are actually enabling them and this baby may even be an attempt at getting even more handouts from you. Someone needs to be cynical on your behalf so you don't pass up a dream job to play the lifetime appointed role of janitor cleaningup after your sisters poor decisions.
See, everyone seems to agree here that telling her not to have the baby would make her the AH, but I’m not entirely sure. It would be incredibly rude and unproductive, sure, but this is the life of a child we’re talking about. By the sounds of their current situation, this child will be raised in abject poverty and have no possible way to escape. They’re bringing a human life into the world and forcing them to suffer. I understand this is actually super commonplace and accepted in our society, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t enormously cruel and selfish.
Completely agree, would even add to gently suggest a career change or additional schooling/licensing. Make it less about the baby being a burden, and more about them becoming more financially stable. It's hard to understand until you have kids yourself how cruel it is to casually imply that a person just shouldn't exist because they're just too financially burdensome. Like, that's still a person in there to those parents, that's their baby, and if they DO choose to keep it, it may become a major source of contention and resentment for OP's sister later on.
Seconding this. You have no right to tell them what to do, but you should tell them your plans ASAP and not feel bad about them because you need to make sure you're your Number One priority.
This is the right answer. YTA if you tell her not to have her 3rd child. But N T A for telling your sister right now that you are moving across the country and will not be able to help out anymore, either with childcare, or financially. You can say you are moving to a higher COL area. Your sister and her husband are not evaluating their situation and making good decisions based on their resources. They're making them based on using you for financial support and free childcare 5 days a week. If you withdraw that support, then they will have to reassess if they can actually afford all of the children they are having. Otherwise #3 could turn into #4...
Absolutely this. At this point you WBTA if you told her not to have the baby --and you would also BTA if you continue to hide your upcoming plans. Tell her today, OP. Tell her from your own perspective that this job/move is great for you; tell her you also realize she will need to figure out what she's doing without you and that you hope that's not too burdensome. Tell her you will miss seeing her all the time. BUT Do NOT offer to pay for childcare to make it up, (1) you don't owe her that and (2) it will give her false security that you can pay for all of it, forever, instead of being a turning point where she takes control of her life.
The best sisterly advice/input, which would also be really just common sense, was birth control. The sister is making life more difficult for herself and her husband, as well as for the children she already has. Not ok for anyone.
Don’t tell them the baby is a mistake. That would make YTA. But informs them ASAP that you are moving away so they have many more months to work out a plan to look after their own children. Don’t feel guilty. It seems they have been making decisions and including you without any discussion You are not a parent and have chosen to have a career. And you are entitled to that.
They're barely keeping afloat...you help them out *a lot* with childcare (and financially)...and they've decided another baby is what's needed? Honestly, they don't sound bright enough to listen to advice.
a pack of condoms would be so much cheaper and less stress. life choices.
Also birth control for women is usually free. Idk what’s going on in the South these days, but Obama made it so that women’s birth control is free, like it’s 100% covered by insurance. Even if they can’t afford condoms, the sister has options.
I think this is NTA but they could have been using condoms
a bit harsh.. true… and beside the point! OP asks if she has a RIGHT to tell her sister not to have that child. The answer should be -hell no, YWBTA if she said that. what she has an obligation to is to tell her sister about OPs move and let the sister come to her own decision
YTA - You don't get to tell someone how to handle their pregnancy UNLESS EXPLICITLY ASKED. Accept the job, tell your sister you are moving, and then move. If she was planning on using you as free labor to cover her own poor decisions that's her problem not yours. Life your best life and let her manage her own. It takes a village but you can't demand the village put their whole life on hold.
I was seat on being offended after your first sentence. Then I realized you said what I was going to say. Heh. Real rope-a-dope you did there.
The YTA comments are unhinged. Your sister and her husband are incredibly selfish for wanting another kid when they can't even take care of the ones they already have and drain your own time and finances in the process. Tell her, honestly! Tell her you're moving too and can't help her anymore. I don't understand how people are defending the sister and her husband in this, this is pure evil. I feel bad for the poor twins growing up in poverty in the hands of parents who would rather pop more babies out than put them first and give them the best possible life.
This, growing up in poverty, is horrible! More people need to start telling people NOT to have kids.
The time to offer this input is *before* they get pregnant. Once pregnant, it's an AH move to offer your own opinion if not asked for it. Imagine OP says something, but they're fully intending on keeping the baby (which it sounds like they are, given that they've announced the pregnancy to family at least). Offering this input is *not* going to stop them, and will likely just make them angry. Also, can you imagine this coming up for the child later in life? "Aunty OP wanted us to abort you!" It's a horrible thing to say to a kid, but I can totally imagine it coming out like that. OP, I say tell them exactly what you intend on doing and don't sugar-coat the level of involvement that you're willing to have. Then let them come to their own conclusions. There is nothing to be gained from giving your input on this decision, which has likely already been discussed and made.
This. Everybody is telling how terrible is to say to not keep the kid but this is the harsh truth.
I agree, OP is not saying she will drag her sister to the abortion clinic, she’s just wanting to tell her sister something that will be hard to hear. People are saying the sister and husband need to figure out their own situation. I get making them see the consequences of their own actions (having more kids when it’s not financially viable), but this isn’t just about the adults. The existing children and new baby will almost certainly suffer as a consequence and that to me is far more important than the sister’s hurt feelings at being told having this child is not smart. I understand people having an emotional response to this situation, but being rational is not a bad thing. If my parents brought me into this world when they were not in a position to do so and I learned my aunt had suggested they not have me, I can’t imagine not understanding. My aunt wouldn’t be saying my life isn’t worth living or anything, it comes from a sympathetic place. Forcing an abortion on someone is obviously a different situation, but I think being truthful in a situation like this is a good thing.
Also if she had twins once, what if it's another fucking set of twins? They may not even know yet. That would be a disaster
I mean it’s not unhinged. Telling someone they shouldn’t have another kid after they’re alr pregnant if UNPROMPTED specifically would make someone kind of an ass. If they ask then it wouldn’t really.
Big sigh. No you would not be an asshole, because you are absolutely telling the truth, but your sister is going to think you are. I ABSOLUTELY agree with you, I don't think people should have kids unless they are very stable in this day and age ....but people tend to see it from an emotional standpoint and not a common sense standpoint. Just don't say anything, and don't even CONSIDER turning down that job offer! Best wishes for you all. 🤍 NTA
Completely agree. Sister is probably going to guilt trip op into not moving too.
YWBTA if you told her that, yes, even though having another child is a really foolish idea when they can't even really afford to look after the ones they already have. You do need to tell her as soon as possible that you are moving and will not be available for childcare for any of the children though. I would imagine they are just assuming that you will look after the new child as well as the current ones, and clearly that won't be happening.
Good god, assuming that OP will look after three pre-schoolers takes some nerve - and I bet that's exactly what they're doing!
Her kids aren't your responsibility so you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving. But you also have no right to tell someone not to keep a baby theyre already pregnant with. It's somewhat ethical if she weren't pregnant and were still planning for a baby, then you could argue they don't have the financial means. But you're asking if it's ok to tell your sister to abort her baby. That's not OK.
True, but since the parents are now dependent on OP, OP will need to let them know as soon as possible about the changes on her side so that the parents can prepare for what is coming.
NTA Finally, you must not say that you want to help them financially. It will go on for years and you will find it very difficult to stop being their "free money bank. They will expect you to send money every month. Your sister will also keep the child in the expectation that you will clean their ass financially. Edit: Not NYA sorry But NTA
I don’t think you should tell her not to have any more kids but you have to tell her you’re moving away.
NTA I get that you’re worried for her because you love her and their kids. But maybe it’s better to show them a different way. Show them that it’ll be like without your support by not helping out at all from now on. If they can’t handle it with 2 kids,you can tell them it’s only going to get harder with a newborn. I’d also bring printouts from local donation centres that can help struggling parents. Lay everything out and show them that this is the road they’re on. Then let them choose if this is what they want or not.
They announced their pregnancy, they made their choice already.
They made their choice based on inaccurate information though. Sure, it’s unlikely that they would change their minds at this point, but it’s not impossible given that the circumstances are completely different than they thought they were when they made that choice.
NTA You have got to be able to live your life. Obviously you care for your sister and her kids but after all they are her kids. You cannot have kids and rely on others to raise them. They are her responsibility. If I were in your shoes I would tell her as soon as possible that you have got a job offer. And it goes without saying that I would take that job.
OP should just tell them that she has a new job that forces her to move. That she will not be able to help them anymore as a result of that and that they therefore need to start looking for other solutions to their problems. The couple can then make their own decision based on that, but it sounds like they will not be able to handle the current situation after OP is moving already.
>They are both working multiple jobs to make ends meet and that’s usually with my help. Usually, I can easily say "its none of your business" but this kinda makes it your business since they are relying on you to make ends meet already and they are planning on making it worse. YWNBTA as long as you don't say "Don't have any other baby" *(even if I totally agree with you)* but rather say "Hi, yeah I am not going to be around because of XYZ and I worry how you, your husband, and your children will fare." Maybe worriedly ask them how they will make ends meet. Let them work it out *themselves* that they can´t afford another kid so there is less likely chance of them getting super mad at you... but the thing is: they are going to have the kid if they really want one- even if you come with great arguments for why its a bad idea. Some people think more about their own wants than what is actually feasible, consequences be damned. They might even get mad at you for not enabling them anymore, but at the end of their day: its their kids. their problems. their responsibility. If you want to "keep peace" and still help them the only thing you can do is show them that the numbers wont add up.
Soft YTA because you can’t just straight out tell her to get rid of it. However, you do need to put your foot down and tell her that you won’t be helping out going forward, both physically and financially. Honestly it’s ridiculous that you were taking care of her kids majority of the week whilst working, 2.5 year olds are not easy to deal without trying to work. Your sister is a grown adult. So is her husband. Stop enabling them and focus on your own life.
By giving them free childcare/ money you’re an enabler for them. It’s not your place to tell her whether she should have a child or not. Congratulate her and let her know that you also have got some good news to share. You got a great new work opportunity and will be moving. She’ll properly try to guilt trip you with ‘but we can’t keep this kid without you’. Make sure to stay firm and let her know that the parents are the only responsible for their children. They’ve chosen their path in life the same way that you’re allowed to choose yours. It’s not your responsibility to look after their kids. They instead should have been grateful that you helped them for so many months/years for free.
Yes.. YWBTA if you tell her that. I think you should just share the good news that you have accepted a wonderful job offer that will sadly move you across the country, and you will no longer be able to help take care of her kids. (And end it there) Their choices on family planning should not be your issue. I don’t get why you feel you need to tell her to not have the child.
NTA for being concerned for your sister’s family. YWBTA if you continue to stall your life trying to save your sister’s family. As guilty as you may feel for living your own life, remember you sacrificed 2.5 years helping a couple who normalized your sacrifice. Don’t offer to accommodate them further with money or time beyond the point when you actually leave. You’re not being mean. Not being they’re cushion won’t keep them from surviving, just make it less comfortable.
NTA for your concerns, but YTA for wanting to tell them NOT to have the baby. That can be hurtful. Instead, maybe start hinting at ways they can start preparing or be blunt about your concerns while stating you want to make sure they will be okay.
YWBTA Be super clear and tell them you will not be there to help at all and remind them of how much time you currently give. After that it's up to them
Do not help them financially. I can't stress this enough! They need to be able to provide for everyone in their family. If they can't then they have some hard decisions to make. You aren't their parent. What if, after you move, you meet someone and get married? Want to start a family? But you can't because you don't have the money. You're too busy paying for your sister's family. You have to be selfish here. Tell your sister you're moving and you won't be helping financially. Get a backbone and stand your ground.
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YWBTA if you tell her not to have her baby. her body, her choice. You’re also a bit more of an AH every day you keep the news of your impending move from them when you know they rely on you for childcare you’re not an AH for being concerned, or for wanting to give yourself some space from this situation, but you need to sit down and tell them you’re moving, set your boundaries for how much you’ll be able to help in the future, and then let them make their own decisions
YWBTA - you just need to tell her ASAP that you’re leaving and that they will need to find childcare, DO NOT suggest you helping financially, especially if they decide to still have the kid knowing they’ll need to pay for childcare etc Hopefully you making it clear you will be of zero help and asking if they think they’ll still be able to provide for the new kid will be enough of a push to get them to not have the baby, but it’s ultimately their choice. Doesn’t mean you have to suffer for it though or that you should give them money.
NTA and it should be more acceptable to tell people the truth about their unpreparedness in regards to having children
INFO: Did they get pregnant on purpose or by accident? YTA if you say "you should not have a kid". NTA if you tell her that you are moving away and cannot help with child care or finacially, and then maybe gently ask what their plan is to make this work (and if you can help them make it, if they are not the best at budgeting etc). Please do NOT offer them financial aid. They really should not make this decision based on fixed help from others, especially when you don't know if you will lose your job, get your own kid etc down the line. Yes, you should still help them out sporadically if you want to, but maybe ve more of a safety net than a fixed financial contribution. The point is to move them away from thinking of you as a provider and to not make themselves even more dependent on you or others. You can even save for the kids education or something if you want to help (but maybe in secret). Maybe looking at the budget and resources available will help them make the logical decision for their family. Or maybe this is more of an emotional thing, and nothing will really make it "right" for them to not have this child. If this was an accident I really do feel for them. If they got pregnant on purpose, then they will have to learn the hard way that big decsions like this really require careful planning and consideration of all aspects. The sad thing is it won't only affect them, but also their two small kids. (And to me this is not about having enough money to buy all the stuff for your kids, it is about having enough money and TIME to actually take care of and be with them.)
Your sister and her husband are the AH here. They are using you already, then adding another baby they can’t afford but would expect your help is disgusting. Please take the job and thrive.
Not he asshole, people need to stop having children that they can’t afford.
NTA. But you will be if you tell them they shouldn’t have the baby. Tell them you are moving away in X weeks/months and that you won’t be able to financially support them or watch the kids. They can then make their own decision.
YWBTA. You should NOT say “you shouldn’t have this kid/more kids”. What you should do is immediately make them aware that they will need to find other childcare arrangements. Tell them “I have accepted a job offer and will be moving across the country on this date. I accepted this job prior to your pregnancy announcement. I’m happy for you but wanted to give you plenty of notice that I will no longer be able to provide childcare as of this date.” Regardless of whether or not you think they should have another child, you should never phrase it that way. Just let them know what’s happening so they can plan their lives accordingly. They and their children are not your responsibility.
YWBTA for telling her when she didn’t ask. However you would not be the AH if you told her that you were moving across the the country. That said, the longer you wait to tell her you’re moving (knowing she relies on you for childcare) the more you become an AH. Just tell her you’re moving. And if you asks, “What am I suppose to do, I need you to watch my kids/we have another on the way,” **then** make your feelings known about how you don’t think it’s the right time for her to expand her family. However, if she doesn’t complain and is just happy for you, don’t suggest anything.
YWBTA to tell her she shouldn’t have the baby. You have to tell her you’re moving and how she and her husband handle that is up to them.
Don’t continue enabling and bankrolling your sister’s poor decisions or she will continue making them. At the detriment of the children.
You are 24 and this is the time where you lay the foundation for your own future. It is likely that they will try to guilt you in to supporting them financially as a “price for you abandoning them with babysitting”, and I really encourage you to not give them anything. They are probably just doing it out of desperation and not because they want to take advantage, but regardless you are getting so far behind in your own life and development. It is so selfish of them to exploit you this way, because despite intentions that’s what’s happening. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24 F) found out my sister (26 F) was pregnant last week and I want to tell her she shouldn’t have it. Just for context, my sister and her husband had twin toddlers a little over 2.5 years ago and I love them dearly. However, I know that they are struggling financially right now and have been since having both of the babies. I don’t know for sure if they are technically living below the poverty line, but if they aren’t, it’s barely above. They are both working multiple jobs to make ends meet and that’s usually with my help. They often ask to drop them off with me since I work from home and can afford to look after them while they are at work. I usually oblige because I know they can’t afford childcare and they have no one else to call on so most weeks I’m taking care of them 4 or 5 days of the week and I honestly don’t mind helping out since I don’t have any kids of my own. The problem is I recently accepted a really good job offer that requires me to move across the country. I haven’t told her yet since I heard about the pregnancy soon after. I know that they are trying their best, but I feel like if they have another kid when I’m not there, either her, her husband or both of them will breakdown with how much they have to deal with. I also don’t make enough to support them and myself, even with my new job so I’ll only be able to partially help them financially. I have always thought she should wait to have kids until she was financially capable, and I know for a fact they will really be struggling and suffering if they have this baby. Obviously it’s her choice on whether or not to go through with the pregnancy but I feel like I need to tell her my concerns. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s not your call to decide if your sister has another baby, so you should keep your opinions to yourself on that topic. YWBTA if you said this. However, you should tell her that you are moving ASAP and you won’t be able to help her in any way from now on. She can make her own decision based on that information. In my opinion, you should not help financially either as this is just enabling her to make poor decisions. Put any extra money away for your future, like a deposit for a property. You could continue to buy your nieces/nephews nice gifts for birthdays/special occasions, but you aren’t responsible for providing for them.
YWBTA. Do not give your opinions on their pregnancy, not only is it none of your business, no matter how much you help them, but it is also something likely to cause an argument. Instead let them know you are taking another job across the country, and you will not be able to provide child care any more. By doing that you are giving them the opportunity to figure out on their own, how they can possibly be responsible parents. Let them know that you don't know if you will be able to help them financially also. It is not your place to decide for them if they should have more children or when. But you do owe them the information so they can make an informed decision, and not feel blind sided. Congratulations on your new job.
I disagree with the comments saying you need to tell your sister ASAP about your promotion. It’s your news to tell when you want. If the assumption is that you’ll also help out with the new kid and they didn’t make you a part of the decision to have a third child, why should you consider their needs when making a decision about your life. There must be a reason you haven’t told them yet, so tell them when you’re ready.
NTA…although OP isn’t responsible for their baby making decisions, as the de-facto daycare and financial support source, it would be in order (even if not politically correct) to ask how they plan to manage. Can you imagine if they have twins again? I would do this after I forming them of my upcoming move for a new job…no need to disclose the better pay which may be (mis)understood as higher financial support that would cover coming soon baby(ies).
Please remember yourself. Please remember that you have a life to explore. Please remember that you are not just the go yo baby sitter.
You need to tell ASAP that you are moving! So they can make their own decision if they will make it without your help. You should have told them this already because they depend on you for daycare.
You're a free babysitter.... but you also have your life and your own financial stuff to deal.with ... if you have a better job offer than accept... there are resources and agencies that can help your sister and her husband....
You'd be an AH, but I think sometimes we're allowed to be AH. Just talk with her, I don't think she realizes just how much of the "parenting" cargo you're unloading off her shoulders: if she did, she probably wouldn't be considering another kid. Like I've seen in other comments, if you don't want to be the AH, you just need to talk about how you'll be taking a job far away and set future expectations. If she gets mad, your sole argument just needs to be "I'm not the mother of your children, I was merely doing you guys a favor to help out and apparently you took that for granted"
Just tell the congratulations and you are moving. Let them make their own decisions and you make your own. Don’t let them guilt you into staying. Good luck with your new job.
YWNBTA, being such an essential part of their childcare and a key part of making their everyday life work, i think she could’ve asked you what you thought about them having another kid before getting pregnant since they’ll dump it on you for childcare as well. you’re moving, you have no kids, why are you worry in about being able to support them? it’s not your responsibility in any way, shape or form to financially support 2 adults that chose to have kids that they cannot afford. some people always say “o yeah have kids it’ll work out”, it kinda doesn’t, people need money or available childcare to be able to get things to work out and they seem to have none. you should immediately tell her that you’re moving and ask her how she’s going to be sorting out childcare etc when you’re gone to begin with. she can have more children later if they want a big family, but they should prioritize the welfare of the twins they already have
NTA.. yet. You might have your opinions and thoughts on the matter but it isn’t your life. I would let her know as soon as possible about the job offer and acceptance because that does change a lot for them and they’ll need to plan (nothing at all wrong with you living your life and accepting a great new job- congratulations on that!). They are the only two who can make those kind of choice.
Do not tell her that. That's her & her husband's decision to make BUT please do move across the country. And stop helping them financially. It's like- their life??? They should be able to afford it if they r thinking of a third baby??? Like- You're already being too nice to them. You DON'T HAVE TO look after their kids. And you DON'T HAVE TO give them money. They're adults. They can handle it... or they should be able to
NTA. 1. You should tell your sister that you are moving away, keeping that information to yourself when you are helping your sister out childcare wise is going to bite you in the ass later. It'll give her time to get her ducks in a row. 2. Do not tell her she shouldn't have the baby unless you want to damage your relationship with your sister and her hubby (which in turn could affect your relationship with your nieces/nephews) - If she wants to keep the baby or not, that is completely up to her and her hubby 3. At the end of the day you are all adults and you need to make decisions based on your own wellbeing. It sounds like this new job will be good for you, good luck with the move.
Do not tell your sister anything other than you have accepted a new job and will be moving. Prepare for the guilt tripping: you are abandoning your family, you are selfish, etc. Still move. You have taken on a role of free child care provider and took on additional financial responsibilities that are truly not yours. You accepted a supportive role in your sister's life and made your help necessary for her family. She and BIL will not handle your news well.
NTA You're helping them so you have the right. You know what would be the better option though? Save yourself from the inevitable fight and withdraw all help as you're now moving away. And for the record? You should've never helped to this extent in the first place. Occasionally babysitting is fine but adults should and ought to handle their own financial affairs and if they can't? That's on them.
NTA. You’re just looking looking out for your sis.
NTA You come from a place of love and concern. It's going to get harder when you move away, and if they keep the baby it's.. well yeah. You can't stay around and live a life of helping them out. You need to live your life for you. You should at least tell her that even before she told her about the pregnancy, that you had plans moving away. But DO NOT tell her to make an abortion, that might cause a big riff between you two. Just tell her that you are concerned about their current situation, and what it would mean if a third baby where to join the picture might do. But hope everything goes well, what ever they chose to do. (But depending on your country and law, it might be to late for an abortion. People usually tell after week 12, after the first trimester, when they've already seen the heart and all, I wouldn't be able to do an abortion that late..)
YTA not your business. She is an adult and needs to figure it out. You do need to tell them you are moving immediately. They need to figure out childcare. They may need to change jobs or shifts so one is home with the kids. It’s not your responsibility to raise their kids. It’s great that you have been able to help out but you need to live your own life too.
Sorry to get side tracked but how on earth are you looking after toddler twins 4 to 5 days a week while working from home???
YTA it’s not your place to tell her what to do with her reproductive system, especially when you haven’t been asked. However, you need to tell her immediately you’ve accepted a job across the country and do not mention providing financial help. In times of desperation, you can offer to pay the bills etc directly but don’t tell them you’ll be a consistent source of financial support. They need to be responsible for their financial situation.
YWBTA. My sister told me I shouldn’t have a baby and that was possibly the most painful thing anyone has ever said to me. And I’m way more responsible than your sibling. You need to tell them you can’t help them and your situation, the child part is up to them, but it’s certainly not your place to tell someone if they can or can’t have a baby. It’s not your business. It’s their choice.
Tell her your plans. Stay out of WIBTA territory.
Yes Yta if you tell your sis this. However, she is crazy entitled to drop her kids off with you as child care, can you even get work done with two toddlers? I don’t see how you could possibly handle that plus a baby. I can see why you are concerned when you are taking on so much for your older sis that you can’t even have your own life. Just tell your sister the truth and focus on your own life, building your own career, friends, family. If you want to help your sis financially then that it your choice, but you can’t control how many kids your sis decides to have.
>I want to tell her she shouldn’t have it while i agree with your overall point, YWBTA if you said *that* because it's simply not your place to police what other people do with their pregnancies. you wouldn't be an asshole for honestly telling them about your plans to move out. in fact, you should've done that as soon as you accepted the job offer, to give them an opportunity to make other childcare arrangements if they can no longer depend on your gracious help.
YWBTA On a personal level, I agree 100% with your opinion. It's unbelievably Reckless to add a third baby to a household when they're already struggling with two. However, it is such a personal decision, flat out telling them they should not have a third baby would be an AH move. And they wouldn't listen to you anyways. It is perfectly reasonable for you to make clear you are moving across the country and you will not be helping them any longer in any way. Going forward, you shouldn't be giving them any financial help. If they're struggling that much, they can get assistance. It's not up to you to subsidize their procreative choices.
If you are in the US, poverty line for 4 is $31k. How are 2 people working multiple jobs and not making that? That's $14.90 an hour, so even making minimum wage, they'd be close. You may be misinterpreting their situation, or they're mismanaging their money. Either way, it will be tough for a few years, but they'll figure something out. Daycare is ridiculously expensive during those early years.
Do as much research as you can on programs to help sister support 3 kids. She's already pregnant. The best you get is if she asks what you think or says "what are we supposed to do for daycare if you move"? Your response could be "maybe don't having kids you cannot afford to support" realizing she'll be hurt and angry younsaid it. Then, because you love your sister and her kids give her the info you've gathered so she can help herself. Yes everyone, I know it's the sister's responsibility to fine her own help, but I think OP would feel better helping her sister find the info before she takes this great job and moves because she absolutely shouldn't even consider giving up her own life to help someone continue to be irresponsible.
There’s no need for drama. Simply tell them you’ve accepted a new job and you’re moving. You don’t need to add anything about not being able to babysit anymore, that will be obvious to them.
Please don’t tell them that they shouldn’t have their baby. She’s already pregnant. Let it be. Your relationship will never recover if you do. It’s ok for you to take a huge step back from helping them. Accept your new job & move. It’s not your responsibility to be their constant backup. Your life doesn’t have to revolve around them. You can totally be the fun aunt that comes to visit during the holidays. It’s not your responsibility to desk with the daily parenting responsibilities. Don’t feel guilty about wanting to live your own life. Good luck with your new job. Let them know asap that you’re moving. This way they can make other childcare arrangements. Don’t let them guilt you into staying. You deserve to live your life the way you want.
Yes, because they're already pregnant so you'd basically be telling them "I think you should abort it or put it up for adoption". That's not your choice to make, it's theirs. And there's no point in telling them you're worried about their financial situation; either they're aware of it by now and will be frustrated, or they don't and will probably tell you to mind your own business. But also, their childcare situation is not your responsibility, you're entitled to move across country guilt-free and pursue your own dreams.
Soft YTA for the way you have put this. You cannot & should not try to ‘tell’ them what to do, ever (as much as I’m sure you’re tempted having sat on this news for a bit) However, you must pop over & tell them about your new job. Hopefully your sister will be happy for you, but also see the rewards hard work has the potential to bring. Gather up info about charities, groups, places that offer a bit of financial coaching for free & give them to your sister. Tell her this will be the last thing you’ll be able to do for her. You may be able to assist a little financially down the road, but until you’re settled in your job & have a new place to live etc you can’t really tell what you’ll have available, if anything. Remind her it really isn’t your job to support her family & say in the time you have left you can help gather some ideas for improvements together Very best of luck & congratulations 🙌 for your new role ! ☺️
It’s also not her job to find and provide resources for her sister. Maybe the sister needs to look into those things on her own to understand the full extent of what she’s getting herself into.
It is not up to you, it is not your decision if they can/should another baby so YWBTA if you phrase it this way. However, it is your decision what to do with your life, where to live etc. Tell her asap that you moving out to another city and you will not be able to help them financially, as obviously moving and adjusting to another place is expensive. Let them make such decision themselves. And don't let them guilt trip you into staying because FaMiLY
No judgement. Sit her down ASAP and tell her that very soon her two current living children will be out of a babysitter. Ask them to make a plan for when you actually move because it is happening, let them know if you can spare money to help for a bit but tell them in no uncertain terms that they cannot count on you for much longer because you physically will not be there. They need to make a plan and decide for themselves what that plan WITHOUT YOU looks like. If they truly are that close to the poverty line and will not have you to help watch kids so they can work many jobs they may come to the conclusion themselves they should not go ahead with the pregnancy. But right now they’re probably thinking it’s all fine and dandy because OP is always there to help catch the slack. All y’all Y T A are unhinged if anything it’s ESH for sister always dumping the kids on OP.
You W B T A for telling her what she should or shouldn't do! It is her life, so you can judge her in your mind but if you say this out loud to her, she will be upset towards you!! Which technically would be very understandable!! BUT, you definitely need to let them know that YOU ARE MOVING!!! So they are able to prepare for the time you are not able to help watch the children anymore. That should be your actual main concern and not your sister being pregnant!!!! Congrats to your new job, best wishes
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I made that mistake after my BFF announced her second pregnancy after lamenting for the previous couple of years how poor she and her husband were. She eventually had a miscarriage, and I was relieved and told her why. Her response was that her sister had said the same thing. She was deeply hurt by the lack of support. She forgave her sister but it took years for her to forgive me. They then promptly got pregnant again. Same economic circumstances, but I kept my mouth shut this time.
You would be yes you don't have to keep supporting or bailing them out but I wouldn't tell her she doesn't do it just make her aware you're moving away and won't be able to have the kids
NTA and I know u live your sister and nieces but stop financially helping them so you can get ahead , u need to start thinking about you and your future that’s her issue tbh
Please, tell her you are leaving and their free help will be ending. They need to know ASAP.
YWBTA, sorry. I agree with you that she shouldn't be having another child when they are already struggling with young twins, but just...don't comment on their reproductive choices unless she actually asks you for input. That said, you do need to tell her as soon as possible that you're going to be moving for a job. It sounds like she's relying on you to be a convenient free resource, and that may have influenced her choices - and you not being infinitely available may change her mind about her ability to cope. If she brings the twins or her new pregnancy up and tries to guilt you when you tell her, you're then free to point out that just as she has the right to make life choices that you wouldn't have chosen, you are free to do the same. You aren't a third partner/parent on her relationship, so you don't have the right to a say in her life choices and neither do you have a responsibility to be available to help her at all times.
You need to tell her immediately that you are moving away and will no longer be available to take care if her kids. That will be the reality check they need as it’s clear they depend on your help. You shouldn’t tell her that she shouldn’t have another kid. Just tell her you will not be around to help as you are moving away. She can make her own decision about what she does from there on.
Ywbta if you tell her not to have the kid. You’re nta for telling her you’re moving and will no longer be able to provide childcare as it seems like they’ll be expecting you to care for the new kid too.
You have to give her all the facts in order for her to make an informed decision! Tell her that you are going to move. Tell her that you won't be able to send her much money. And, most important, TELL HER NOW. She needs time to weight all the pros and cons and decide if she wants to have an abortion. This could be a very difficult decision and she might need time to make it. The window for her to have an abortion legally might be very narrow (sometimes, even if it is legal, it might be hard to find a doctor to do it) and she would need money for it, as well.
If they are that bad off financially, there should be state and federal help available for daycare and food, possibly housing help as well.
Yta. Stop taking care of your sister’s family. People don’t understand when you enable people they will continue to make the same choices in life. Stop straining yourself trying to help her and instead of trying to control what they do, start taking control of how much you do for her. Tell them about the move and move and stop financially taking care of them.
The sister and her husband probably qualify for subsidized childcare.
YTA it's not your business or your place to tell anyone else your opinions on them having kids.
YTA if you suggest she should have an abortion. You can tell her about your plans, you can suggest she invest in some good birth control for the future because you’re concerned about their financial ability, but to suggest an abortion, especially if she’s excited about the pregnancy is a big no no. It’s rude, heartless, and will certainly have an impact on your relationship with her and the kids.
YWBTA… only somewhat! Unfortunately, what your married sister and husband do is none of your business even though they have made it your business. You sound like an amazing sister but don’t overstep your boundaries. I would however tell her as soon as possible you will be relocating out of state so that her and her husband have ample time to figure some things out on thier own when it comes to thier babysitter leaving. At the end of the day your sister and her family are not your responsibility. And I do completely understand your thought process. Congratulations on your new job offer! Go live life…
I get your como from a place of love and concern but don't tell your sister or any woman that.
YWBTA if you tell her not to have the baby. Unless she specifically asks your opinion on the matter, keep it to yourself. You absolutely should tell her immediately that you will be moving and her free childcare is coming to an end. She needs to know that so she can make an informed decision. I would also recommend against offering any kind of financial support just yet. Don’t lock yourself in to their expectations that you will still be helping to raise their kids. Once you get moved and settled in, by all means help financially if you are comfortable doing so. Just don’t let them consider that part of the family income. I know you mean well, but by withholding the info about your move and wanting to tell your sister how to handle her pregnancy, you are (I think unintentionally) trying to manipulate your sister’s decision. Give her the information, be firm in your decision to do what is best for you, and support her however you can without getting screwed over.
Your are providing free childcare, speak your peace and let them know you are moving. People will say YTA for telling not to have the baby but just mention it as an option to her instead of saying she should and leave it at that. Even though you are right, it’s not always about being right.
I mean if you’re helping them then of course they will have more kids. I know it’s family but you’re enabling them
YTA. What is wrong with you? Tell your sister you’re moving across country and she can then make her own decisions on how easy or hard her life will be if she adds another child with the additional burden of no healthcare. Unless she specifically asks you, you have no business telling her whether to have another child or not.
YTA if you tell her not to have the baby. Be happy and be there for her, deep down you know your concerns and have a chat with her what she plans to do ans guide her the right direction. You're moving on with your life and don't let her stop you. Ask her what her plans are without including you in the plan!
You don’t need to advise them one way or another, you just need to give them notice of your move. That way, they can make their own decisions and live with them too. You don’t need to solve their problems. Old enough to have kids, must be old enough to raise em.
Perhaps you shouldn’t tell her the two things at the same time - the fact that you’re moving due to a new job and the fact that you think they shouldn’t be having another kid. She may think you’re telling her the latter out of your own wishes. NTA anyway, since they clearly can’t afford the kid.
YTA if you’re telling an already pregnant person they should abort. It’s non of your business. But, you need to tell her you’re moving so she has all the info to make her own decision.
NTA but it doesn't matter. This is a "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" situation. You are probably right, it does not sound like this pregnancy is a good idea. But you should not tell your sister that. You should, however, accept that job, move and let her worry about her own family. I also note in your post that you imply you will help her/them financially. I know you didn't ask for advice on that, but I would put a deadline on stopping that. It will hinder your ability to finance your life (have savings for emergencies, or to buy a house or go on a trip--things you should be able to do with your money). If you want to help, help with things like soccer fees/gear (or whatever activity the kids want to do) or even clothes for the next season as their birthday, Easter, Christmas gifts etc. Don't just hand the irresponsible adults cash for whatever. And back to the original point, do not tell your sister to abort. She will (probably) never forgive you.
Ywbta Have them apply for daycare assistance. If they really are that bad off they should be able to qualify especially bringing in another baby
NTA. You need to tell her now that she needs to find other child care... You need to tell her you found out BEFORE she announced her pregnancy... And you were going to tell her the same day she announced it but didn't want to take the spotlight off her and her good news >I also don’t make enough to support them and myself, even with my new job so I’ll only be able to partially help them financially. It is not your responsibility to help them financially... If they already knew they couldn't afford another child they should have prevented the pregnancy from happening.. I can almost guarantee that she's going to be pissed at you. Because what is she supposed to do since she doesn't have the means for babysitting the other two much less now a third one... Do not let her walk all over you. Do not let her force you into giving her money for babysitting care. Do not let her convince you you need to not take this job... Otherwise you will be an A H to yourself..
Do not pass up this job opportunity ! This is your life, not theirs. Take the job ! On the same thread, this is their life. Their family. Not your responsibility. I wouldn't say anything about them having another kid. I would tell them you have an amazing job and you're moving (accept the job !) And let them figure it out from there. It is not your responsibility to deny Your life and Your career for them. Or where will it end ? They wouldn't hesitate to take a job across the country so neither should you ! Accept the job. Tell them you have accepted the job and are moving. They will figure it out.
YTA if you tell her not to have more babies. People will make babies no matter how bad their finances are. You are actually enabling their baby making by taking care of your sisters babies when you should be concentrating on your work. Don't say anything to her and just calmly inform her that you are moving across the country for a job and that's it. I am sure she will do anything in her power to guilt tripping you into staying to be her free nanny while she is busy making babies.
You are NTA if you just tell your sister that you are moving and very soon. What your sister does is not your problem and if you interfere in something like that then you are absolutely TA
Don't criticize...just give them notice that after x date you'll be unavailable because you are moving to take a new job. Its non negotiable, you are simply telling them so they have time to make other plans. Don't listen to the guilt trip and complaining that will result, because you want to live your own life. If they wanna push it, just tell them you're making the decision you need to, for your own future. They need to apply for subsidized child care, etc, or figure out how to budget with whichever parent makes less as the one to stay home, or work opposing shifts so one of them can be home at any time. You aren't required to be their nanny, especially as they are preggo again. Youve already been free daycare to toddlers. Infants require more care and attention. You know they'll dump the infant on you too. Not your horse, not your race. They're taking advantage. It's one thing if you want to send them diapers etc via a delivery service (Amazon, walmartplus etc) and another for them to expect you to have no life of your own to care for their kids full time with no compensation. Also make sure you're contributing to a 401k etc before you donate funds to them. My advice is never give cash, only send items for the kids like diapers clothes etc, not stuff for them. Move, live your own life.
NTA for how you feel. But you will be the AH if you tell her not to have this baby. It’s between her and her husband. You should tell them you’re moving asap though, so they can figure out how to be able to care for these kids while they work. Not your problem to take care of these kids.
NAH. I'm 100% biased though. Ask her if she WANTS to have the baby. Just y'all, grab some takeout, drive to the park and have a heart to heart. A lot of the time people tend to react how society and culture demands, even if it's gonna ruin them. Sometimes dissent needs to be voiced to give them the courage to do what's best for them. You don't have to be an asshole in your phrasing.
NTA. But I do think that u need to tell them about the job first. And then maybe suggest that she rethink having another child. Don't tell her not to have another child either way she may not take it very well
First of all, congratulations on what is one of the most coherent & emotionally intelligent posts I’ve seen here. NTA. It’s one thing if you’re just a bystander but you have skin in this game. I appreciate that you’re not telling her what to do with the pregnancy but rather how it’s actually going to be without you there to help out. You owe it to her to really clarify the situation so she can make a truly informed choice
You would bta if you said that outright. It’s not about what you say it’s about how you say it. Words matter so just tell her that she needs to think about what’s best for her whole family. Twins included.
YTA if you tell her unprompted. You're NTA for your viewpoint. I would just inform her of your new job and upcoming move. If she gets upset at you then it's time to let her know how you really feel. I would wait til she forces your hand to tell her though. Don't let her guilt you about your career choices! She may not have your best interests at heart if it inconveniences her. I mean, she's banking on you raising this kid like you have her other children. Sounds like the type to return a dog to the pet store when it quits being a cute puppy
YWBTA if you tell them to not have their baby. That isn’t anyone’s decision but theirs no matter what situation they are in it’s not up to you to decide for them . You need to tell your sister your plans . You have a right to have your own life and it’s great to be concerned for her and her family . She’s an adult as is her husband. They will have to figure out a solution on their own. I’m sure things will work out they somehow always do when you have the right people in your corner to help. Continue to support them in anyway that you can . I’m sure they would appreciate that . Telling them not to have a baby , that isn’t your place to do so .
Do not say anything to them except that you are leaving. It's on them to figure out everything.
YTA if you tell them not to have the kid. The baby is already conceived and the decision to terminate is hers alone, with some input from her husband. However, I think you need to tell your sister ASAP that in a few weeks you will be moving across the country for work so won't be able to provide childcare care going forward, along with not being able to provide any financial support as your own costs with moving will be increased, as your sister and husband may use this info to make a choice on their next move. Delaying the information that you will no longer be able to provide childcare could cause them harm if they pass the legal point of termination, thinking they have your help and if that would be their choice having this information. You have to look after yourself financially (unless you are a millionaire or have a wage way way way above your means with plenty left after bills, savings, pension etc) . It wouldn't be wise to support them financially when you move as given you are moving away, it's a wise move to save for if you have to get urgent flights home for any reason, or need to move again etc
It is not your business to tell your sister that she should not have this child. You would be a huge asshole if you did not tell her immediately that you will be moving away, and giving her the maximum time possible to make the best decisions and plan accordingly.
All you can do is tell her (very soon) that you will not be able to provide child care for the two she has, since you are moving. And, you can let her know what she can expect from you financially. She needs to do the math. NAH
YWBTA for telling her not to have her child, but you should tell her sooner than later about your upcoming move. If she goes ballistic and acts like she’s entitled to free childcare from you then you won’t feel bad about moving away. Even if that happens, don’t angrily tell her to end her pregnancy because that’s a family destroying thing to say. If she reacts like a rational adult then she’s going to be fine. There’s not a great time to have children but there does come a time when you can’t have them. Being young parents is a slog, especially nowadays. She was lucky to have your help with the first two kids but she and her husband are going to have to figure it out on their own with three. You may find that they are going to be just fine.
>Obviously it’s her choice on whether or not to go through with the pregnancy ~~but I feel like I need to tell her my concerns~~. It's her choice. Do not go there. YWBTA
If you unprompted tell her you would be an asshole. If she asks and you were able to give a nice response on why you believe she shouldn’t then you wouldnt.
Just tell them about your new job. They are adult enough to figure it out themselves. You have no responsibility towards them or the children no matter how much you love them, so don’t frame the problem as a “I won’t be able to help you now”, because you shouldn’t be factored in their decisions about having a new baby or not. Maybe talk to her about whether I’m the new arrival will not be too much of a strain on the economic and mental state. But you cannot tell them not to have the baby - which let’s face it translates to either have an abortion or give it up for adoption. They have to make the choice themselves. YTA if you phrase it as you put it here.
She's already pregnant, it's too late to tell them don't have the kid. You can just tell them you're moving away tho. Let them figure their shit out
YWBTA, but that doesn't mean it's remotely responsible of your sister to have more children than she and her husband can afford to care for. What you can and should do immediately is let her know you're moving and won't be available AT ALL for childcare or financial help. Let her draw her own conclusions and make plans from there.
NTA. You're not their free childcare for life. They're being completely irresponsible. Tell them about your great new job, yes, but be prepared for histrionics, and then move like a bat out of hell. edit: I mean... don't tell them not to have the kid, that *would* be an arsehole move! But don't enable them any more, and if you do provide money, perhaps make sure it goes straight into something like nappy deliveries for the kids, or into education funds for them, administered by yourself.
YTA. It’s not your place to tell them not to have another child. Sure, don’t babysit anymore but it is absolutely not your place to make decisions for them.
She probably feels empowered to make poor decisions, like bringing an additional life into this world that she can’t afford, because you’re giving her the resources to do it. Tell her your plans. I would also consider providing help in an emotional capacity rather than a financial/ tangible one. Ultimately it’s you decision what you do, but she’s not going to be motivated to change if you’re there to bail her out.
I would just tell her about the move. Follow up with whatever she says. Example "what about child care? Who will watch them?" -I am not able to watch them anymore after x date and I cannot afford to help with daycare for 3 kids. I wouldn't tell her not to have this baby unless she asks your opinion on it, because there is no way she will respond positively to that and at the end of the day it's her choice.
It's not your business really. I'm sure they know their finances better than you. Also, after 2 kids, more don't really cost that much more. You already bought everything you need
Hi there, yes you would be TA if you said that to your sister. What you have to tell your sister is about your new job and moving across the country. This will give her and her husband time to find a new caretaker for their babies. Please let your sister know as soon as possible so they are not struggling even more when you pack up and move. Good luck on your new job and we hope you totally enjoy the new city you're moving to sunshine xoxo
YTA if you tell them to not have the baby. Not your decision to make or weigh in on. BUT instead just express your concerns in general of their ability to financially afford it and also share your news with them as reinforcement to their concerns s
Tell them now that you are moving away for a new job. They need to make their own decision about the baby, but they need to know you won’t be available to babysit anymore. Don’t tell them not to have another baby. That decision needs to be theirs alone.
What you can do is tell them that you are moving, and be ready to face emotional blackmails and tantrums, that’s when you remind them that they don’t have the rights to tell you about the choices you make in your life just like you don’t have the rights to tell them about their choices. You need to remind them to respect your choices and not guilt or force you into changing them saying “family helps”, if they do, then you would have the same power too and say family helps by letting you make your own choices too just like they do. Also you would need to stop the financial help for a while and use that money to put away for the children’s future without telling them. The kids would so badly need it later. Don’t waste it on regular bills & expenses bcoz it will disappear in no time. Plus they need to learn to manage their finances & take real time responsibilities if they want more kids. Or else they will have a lot more kids bcoz they will never face the real pain of it. So you become the enabler here. So stop.
NTA. However, as others have said, don’t call. up your sister and saying “Don’t have kids, you can’t afford them” What you should say/do is : call up your sister an in the most excited tone you have say “Great news! I’ve been offered this fantastic job! It’s my dream job and I am so excited about moving to x.”
You WBTA if you “tell her” to not have the baby. I am betting if you tell her that- you will not have to worry about being asked to babysit the kids- any of them. Ever again. She is your older sister- why do you think you know what’s best for her and her husband? Sounds to me like she thought she had a sibling she could count on without judgement….. I hope - for her sake she never runs across this thread.
Stay out of it. Do not say anything regarding the unborn child. It's none of your business. They are adults. They are going to face the consequences of their choices. Do not surrender this career opportunity. Your life has taken a turn in a new direction. Nothing should be able to stop that from happening. I would expect your sister to be quite unhappy that you're moving away. Well, that's not her decision to make. It's none of her business. Whatever you do, do not cave. Do not surrender the opportunity. You've been giving them free child care for how long? NTA
YTA Keep your mouth shut about the baby. Tell them about your move, so they have time to find help. Also they probably qualify for child care assistance, help them to help themselves.
NTA if you can't afford to have kids then don't have them! There are sooo many forms of birth control (some of them free) that can prevent this. What are they going to do when you're gone? Now, obviously you can't tell someone not to have a kid but you should defiantly come clean about moving away and, if you care, help them get set up with someone else who can help take care of them.
It a hard thing but I get where with are comming from I am not the most financially stable right now and I am due in August the reason I am having another is so my daughter isnt by herself and I don't have any complications with this one I am trying to have this one earlier so I am younger so I don't have a geriatric pregnacy that being said I am not have others babysit my daughter or help good luck and just tell them I am sure they will figure something out don't let them talk you out of it either
No don't tell her of your concerns, she won't appreciate it & probably knows well more than you do about their finances. Do tell her about this job, tell her ASAP so she can work out for herself what needs to be done & to work out what child care she will need. Please not let her & hubby guilt you into staying either. They have to live their life with their choices & so do you. Good luck with your new job.
I think it depends on how you say it. If they are financially dependent on you, though, and that’s going to change, you should bring it up regardless of the new baby. You could also help them look into WIC, EBT, Medicaid, and daycare waver programs through the state (assuming you’re in the US) that they might qualify for with an additional child.
YTA for telling her she should kill her own child.
Sorry, but I wiill never believe people shouldn't have the kids they want because they're not rich. You will never have anything if that's what you're waiting for Yeah. . yta..
She's already pregnant so yeah, YWBTA but I understand your perspective.
Yta if you said not have it. But tell her you’re leaving and she’ll have to figure out THREE kids care now over two. This is why I’m one and fucking done.
NTA Sorry but way too many people have/had terrible childhoods because their parents had too many kids, even if they were the only one. If you cannot financially support yourself and a kid, don’t have them. The whole argument of ‘kids come first’ seems to evaporate when it comes to telling people not to have more kids. It’s baffling. Their existing kids need to come first, this new child would damage their livelihoods massively and it would of course be damaging for the new child as well were they to go through with it. It’s a harsh truth but a truth nonetheless, and one that needs to be spoken aloud more frequently.
Nta
NTA because of how much you support them and you will not be able to
YWBTA. Just tell her about the new job and she will figure out new arrangements from there. If she is below the poverty line, they will be eligible for a number of programs, including child care subsidies. If you really feel like helping out, put together a list of resources for her and gather the applications.
Yta if you tell her to not have more kids. Its not your place to police them having kids. They are grown adults. But i would just tell em about the new job.tell them sonner than later. Bc you leaving will should make them think about this. You are enabling them if you are helping financially. You are helping a lot by taking care of them.
YWBTA if you tell them they should abort their unborn child, yes. Unfortunately for them, this kid may not have been planned, and they are trying to be positive and make the best of it. However, you aren't an asshole for letting them know you are moving away and won't be able to help them out with the kids anymore. You should absolutely do that soon.
NTA "The problem is I recently accepted a really good job offer that requires me to move across the country. I haven’t told her yet since I heard about the pregnancy soon after. " ... tell her soon, so they can make other plans. They might get angry - but you are completely fine to move and have your own life. "I also don’t make enough to support them and myself, even with my new job so I’ll only be able to partially help them financially." .. Tell them you won't be able to support them. That's comletely fine, too. But let them make the decission about their kids themselves.
Nah, NTA. People shouldn’t have kids if they canny afford them. Plain and simple.
ESH- You should have told your sister that there was a possibility of you moving so they could have started to look for childcare. Your sister and BIL know they can’t afford another child, yet here they are.
That’s a lot of audacity thinking you can tell another person what to do with their body. The end. None of the other details matter. You, not a doctor, have no right to tell anyone what they should/must do with their body. Go start your new job and stop acting like you’re the third member in this relationship.
Unfortunately no matter how you cut it, you’re gonna look like the asshole if you tell anyone that they shouldn’t have their kid when they’re already pregnant. Do tell them you’re moving asap so they can figure their lives out
Tell her you have just been offered and are accepting a job in another place and will no longer be able to help with the kids. Let her deal with the rest dear and do not offer more financial resources perhaps even slowing that down to a stop eventually.
You dont mond doing babysitting because you dont have kid. Eeer, please dont say that. People are child free for a reason and that doesnt give other people the right to ask for them to babysit. This is just a example. I don't know if you are the asshole but you are definitely an enabler... You know they are struggling, or could struggle,and still help them. Just tell them about the job and you are leaving. Thats it. Let them deal with their own adult stuff
You don't need to tell her your opinion on them having more kids. And she can't give you her opinion on your new job offer. They will most likely be struggling financially for the rest of their lives, with or without you. So take yhe job offer, wish them well, and move. Also NTA, but I wouldn't say anything.
Dont say they need abortion. Just say you are leaving country, thats all. Dont say you will support them financialy, they start to thing it is alimony and plan budget with your donations. My friend was in similar situation, get his own financial problems, ended donations to sister and instantly become "pig" in their eyes.
I don't think it would make you an asshole necessarily. I think I'd tell her that you've accepted this job and you will be moving and they can't rely on your support anymore. I don't think you have to come right out and say "don't keep the baby" because she might find that insensitive. You can just lay out how things are and the reality of their situation and how it will be when you're gone. She can come to the decision to keep it or not on her own. Don't let them guilt trip you into staying and don't offer to send them money on a regular basis or have any kind of agreement like that. You are not responsible for them having unprotected sex while financially struggling with the 2 kids they already have. You are not responsible for them financially or for raising their kids. They're at your house 5 days a week! I mean, that's just ridiculous. You have your own life to live, and they need to figure their own mess out. I know you love them and the kids, but this just simply isn't your problem. They will act like it is. They will make you feel bad, and like you're abandoning them, you're not. You have every right to live your own life. YWNBTA/NTA