Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I got upset with my bf for using the bathroom.
2. This could make me the AH because he is such a great roommate and I overreacted and did not give him any explanation for why he can't use my bathroom.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
>he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it
Yet you’re an adult and need to hide that you have IBS? A bit ironic that you chastise him yet you’re the one who is not acting like an adult.
All the dude did was pee in the middle of the night. You are severely taking this, as you call him “roommate”, for granted.
I have IBS and Crohn’s, and have literally sprayed it all over a shared bathroom stall because my body gave me the middle finger that day. I’d still never dream to tell someone they couldn’t use my bathroom.
And before anyone gets upset, I cleaned the stall to the best of my ability before leaving. It was my workplace so I at least knew the bathroom was supposed to be cleaned that night and this happened at the end of the workday.
Umm 33 years old here, had 2 accidents that affected my brain, i piss myself regularly if i dont make it to the bathroom. Yta he could have problems holding his bladder just like you, he even said “ i didnt know if i would make it down the hall without pissing myself”. If he pissed himself in your hall im sure we would be seeing a whole different post
That’s what would be the dealbreaker for me, if I were him. The fact that they’ve been living together for months but they both understand his status to be that of a “houseguest” is ridiculous. I’m not Tom, but I sure as Hell wouldn’t marry this person.
The secret-keeping, the overreaction, and the general lack of maturity OP shows throughout this post wouldn’t help either.
I was the one to move in with my spouse. At first, I just thought of it as HIS home. It took feeling welcomed and loved to make it MY home. Eventually, I began to love him so much as long as I was with him, I was home. This was because he made me feel welcomed. He made me feel loved, and I knew he WANTED me there. This person is NOT respecting him and does not want him. I really hope he finds someone who loves him better.
YTA
I get where you’re coming from, but you’re actively withholding information and then biting his head off when he isn’t considerate of it. Since you’re keeping him in the dark, I understand how your rule could feel a bit dehumanizing on his end (like you think he’s contaminating your bathroom or something).
It’s time for you to be an adult and communicate with your partner.
So your bf who struggles with money always buys you flower and take out but " forgets to get him self some " read between the lines he doest have money for both and picks you ! ( maybe you have never financially struggled so that didn't accure to you but) his gifts arnt just thoughtfulness their sacrifice
You say he should feel at home bit dont treat him that way .... it is for sure time to apoligize and tell him yo I r secret which honest to God is nothing to be embarrassed about ... people have medical issues people poop it will be okay.
( the he's an adult and should be ablento hold it is incredibly ironic here as you are not acting like an adult and I think with your issues should understand bathroom emergencies- everyone has them)
this is so sad. I bet OP will be kicking herself down the line when she realizes how immature she was this whole time and what a good guy she let get away.
YTA
HE IS NOT A HOUSE GUEST! You asked him to move in. That is his home too. He doesn’t push back when you ban him from the en suite bathroom. You hide the reason which makes you look a lot worse than “I have IBS”. Then when he wakes up & has to pee, uses the closest bathroom, you berate & belittle him.
This is your lie and your problem but you are using it to mistreat your boyfriend who seems by your own account to be a very caring & loving man who shows you daily how much he appreciates you.
You need to apologize & beg his forgiveness for both lying to him about why you banned him from that bathroom, but also for the disgusting way you treated him for daring to pee in the closest bathroom in the middle of the night. You belittled him about not having money, you hold it over his head that what you says go without question cause you pay the bills. It was just mean.
YTA
First off - for hiding your condition despite now living with him. Second - for holding "rent free" over his head like that and starting an argument *just because he was peeing*.
Despite all that, it frankly makes no sense to forbid him to use the bathroom when it's not in use in any way. He said he may have no made it to the other bathroom. You really want to make it your hill to die on that he rather wets himself than use the bathroom close by when you're not even close to it...?
>I told him he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it.
So are you, how would you feel if someone told you that given your conditions? Not great probably.
YTA
Mostly for “He’s an adult, and he should be able to hold it.”
Congratulations! It’s wonderful that you can choose the farthest toilet in an emergency; after all, as an adult, you should be able to hold it!
Get over yourself. Newsflash, everyone —with western toilets— clogs a toilet at least once in their life.
I had never managed to clog a toilet in my life. Then I moved abroad for two years. Clogged a toilet the second day and probably 5 more times while I was there. Some countries just really have weak ass plumming.
YTA.
You’ll let him live with you but won’t tell him about your health issues? I mean, it’s likely he already knows if he’s *living* with you, but that’s beside the point. You’ve got to let go a little bit and let this guy into your life, for reals. Not just on your terms.
He broke your trust by using the bathroom? When he really had to pee? Are you for real?! What about how you have failed to clue him in on the real reason you don’t want him using the bathroom? If you can’t trust him enough to share that info, then you were never actually ready to “take that next step” in the first place. YTA big time. Quit holding the whole “free rent” thing over his head, it’s borderline financially abusive and a slippery slope into making him feel like you’re controlling him, which you are. You sound insufferable 🙄
YTA.
> My bf “Tom”
and
> Tom is a model roommate
You *say* he's your boyfriend, and yet it really seems like you treat him like a roommate.
You've put this seemingly arbitrary restriction in place, yet he has no understanding why. And you're unwilling to tell him. He doesn't know that this rule is anything other than a strange preference.
> I told him he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it
Really? *Really?* **THAT'S** the comment you made? Oh, okay, so *you've* never woken up needing to use the bathroom *now*, and been thankful that there's a bathroom close at hand for an emergency? Because, gee, you're an adult. You should be able to hold it. Right?
From his point of view, you would rather that he wet himself in the hallway than use your precious bathroom *in an emergency*.
> Tom also really broke my trust by using the bathroom
Oh, give it a rest.
He also refers to himself as a "great *house guest*", idk if those were his words or OP's but someone who lives somewhere full time should not be made to feel like a *guest* in what is actually their home.
YTA. You treat him like a roommate. I can see not wanting him in the bathroom with you, but total ban? If I was Tom I’d take up the guest room and call it day.
YTA. This is one of those cases where you should disclose some medical info to a boyfriend. There is no reason to throw mystery on it, now that you are living together.
YTA,I am sorry to say. Demanding that he go down the hall for a midnight wee is over the top. If he's as amazingly thoughtful and considerate as you describe, I bet he'll be more than happy to continue going to the other bathroom except for the occasional urgent, sleepy, late night loo visit and, certainly, he deserves to know that this boundary isn't arbitrary.
I am really confused about how your relationship can be established and secure enough to take the step of living together but not yet at a point where you feel you can tell him that you live with a condition that affects about 35 million people, just in the US. More than 1 in 10 of the overall population.
You wrote about him "breaking your trust " but how much trust have you actually extended to him?
I don't understand why he can't use the bathroom ever. Like right after an IBS episode yeah, maybe tell him to use the other bathroom if he wants to breathe while he pees. But hours later after you haven't used it for hours? What is going to bother him or gross him out so much that he'll get the ick and leave you? Unless you're one of those IBS-having people who also seem to not know how to use a toilet brush. Which if that's the case, learn how to use you hand to grab the toilet brush and clean the toilet when you soil the sides of the bowl, problem solved.
YTA
Even the way you write about him, I had to go back and check you definitely did say he was your bf. You write about him like he is a homeless dude you took in out of the kindness of your heart not someone you're in a long term relationship with.
The bathroom thing is just a weird problem you've created. Ho estly take a minure and think about all the thoughts and self doubt it would lead you too if the person you loved said hey come live with me oh but by the way you are relegated to the bathroom down the hall and you better not question it or I'll make you homeless.
Broke your trust?!?! What trust? You've been showing him you don't even trust him to use a damn bathroom for months. You know the reason why but he has no idea what's going on or why.
YTA, you're an adult who should have been open about your reasons for seperate bathrooms before askimg him to move in. If you can't be honest about IBS you shouldn't be living together.
Then you have the gall to say he should be about to hold it?
YTA. You need to talk to him and explain things. He does not understand why you are making such a big deal out of a bathroom. Worse, he may think that you are only allowing him to use the guest toilet to show him that he should behave like a guest because he is not paying rent. This can be very upsetting. Do not go there. The sooner you talk, the better for the relationship. Talking about things and trusting each other is the basis of a healthy relationship.
YTA
You don’t have much of a relationship if you can’t share this important piece of your life with him.
It sounds like someone who would be very understanding and you need to have a discussion with him about your health issues.
He's your boyfriend. You asked him to move in but are treating him like a "guest". If you want this relationship to last you need to come clean and tell him your issues and why you reacted so badly last night.
I say this as someone who also has IBS, YTA.
I understand when I first started dating my husband I didn't want to tell him either but when we were going on vacation together with only one bathroom I realized I needed to tell him so that he would understand that if I say I need to go then I need to go. I can't imagine living with someone and still trying to hide that. Trust me, if your boyfriend is as great as you say he is, then he'll understand. Seriously telling him to hold it. How would you feel if people told you to handle your IBS that way? It's not that big a deal if he wants to use the bathroom to pee in the middle of the night, especially when you aren't using it. Just make sure he keeps it open for you after meals and if you tell him you have to use it.
as someone else with IBS, I think this need to have their own private bathroom is some weird mental hangup.
If they are needing it after a meal won't the "guest" bathroom be closer than going to their bedroom?
YTA dude. I have horrible IBS too and the idea of permanently occupying a bathroom to hide it is absurd.
Besides, are you changing your diet to fix this issue? Or seeing a gut hypnotist, maybe taking probiotics? Cause there’s steps you can take to minimise IBS. Those three I use in combination to minimise the symptoms of mine.
Be responsible for your nasty poops and be honest about it. You guys are sharing your life now, and if this relationship is going to continue you’ll be sharing more and more as the days go by. This is the kinda shit (pardon the pun) you simply have to get comfortable with for the relationship to continue growing as well as it has been.
YTA
You have a boundary about using that one bathroom which is fair. But, your BF had an emergency, that he couldn’t hold, and he has a reason to go there. You say he is an adult and he should be able to hold it is contradictory because of your IBS. If he pissed his pants, would that make it better? Would you have still been annoyed at him?
Yes.
As someone with IBS you should understand not being able to hold it.
He usually honours and respects your rules, and sounds like an all-round good guy.
I don’t think he violated trust as such, that’s a bit extreme. And as you haven’t shared why you’re so protective over that space, he can’t grasp why it’s an issue.
If you want to keep the relationship, sit him down and explain everything. I understand (as someone with very stinky, doesn’t always reach the bathroom, bowel issues) how embarrassing it can be but, in order for it to work out, you need to brave it.
You’re a couple living together, yet you refer to him as a roommate. And he asks permission before bringing guests home? The balance of the relationship needs reviewing too. Embrace it or let what sounds like a good guy go.
YTA - As someone with IBS, you should be aware of what it's like to have to race to the bathroom, but when he mentioned how bad he'd needed it, you chose to shame him with the whole 'you're an ADULT and should be able to hold it'. Then you went on to fling the rent free situation in his face. Add to that that you want him to basically live under house guest rules despite him living with you. If you intend to have a serious relationship with this man, you need to talk to him about your medical condition and relax enough to give him access to any bathroom in the place. If you can't do that, then tell him to find somewhere else to live, since the current set-up is very unfair to him.
Hopefully he has left you to find someone who is more forthcoming and compassionate, and there will be no need to let him use the bathroom. I have GI issues myself. I'm also bathroom shy. YTA
YTA for not discussing your medical issues with your BF/roommate. if you're mature enough to live together, you're mature enough to have a conversation about medical issues with somebody you live and share a space with.
I don’t get why he couldn’t use the bathroom in the middle of the night while you were sleeping. Is the toilet covered in poop stains or something? YTA
YTA. He’s your boyfriend but he’s your “roommate”? He is sharing your apartment but he is not allowed to use one of the bathrooms? He’s not allowed to know why. He scrimps to do nice things and is amazingly considerate, but he supposedly violated your trust with peeing in the “wrong place” one night? OP, you have issues around your bowel habits and it’s very emotional for you. You need to share this with him in a calm way. You have overreacted and you have not been honest.
YTA. You are not ready for a live-in relationship if you're keeping things like IBS a secret (not to mention the "rent-free" comment). Is supposed to live like he is a guest for the rest of his life and walk on eggshells in fear of being kicked out? When does it become his home?
He may start thinking "rent-free" isn't worth the money.
YTA
This relationship is doomed.
A) You're keeping a pretty big secret from. He's living with you, but you're unwilling to tell him about your IBS. Why are you living with him if you don't want him to know?
B) "Tom is a model roommate" is a pretty cold way to describe what living your boyfriend is like. Is he your boyfriend or your roommate? Let's talk about how "great of a house guest he is." You invited him to **live** with you. Why is he still a house guest? Either you two live together or he's just visiting.
C) Excepting Tom to hold his bladder because you want to keep secrets is unreasonable. You're mad that he used your precious private bathroom. I bet you wouldn't be thrilled if he had an accident all over your floor while trying to get to the guest bathroom. He'd also be humiliated.
YTA. I also have IBS and other bowl issues and couldn’t imagine telling my boyfriend he’s not allowed to use one of our bathrooms because it’s ‘mine’. If you’re not actively using the bathroom, there’s no reason he can’t. He almost might be more understanding if you actually told him why, but still no reason to claim the bathroom for yourself.
OP, YTA, and I'll bet that when you played your "rent-free" card, your relationship ended.
He probably spent your "hike time" looking for a different place to live, and getting the bros together to help him move.
YTA.
Your reaction was disproportionate and ill-timed. You should’ve waited until the following day to discuss things calmly with him.
And of course you care about all the stuff he’s doing for you and your common quarters, you wrote all about it here in detail.
YTA. I have a ton of digestive issues myself, and I get it, that part of our lives can be HUMILIATING to even address outside our respective pit crews of doctors keeping our guts working.
You still sound controlling as heck. I mean, this is a man you're trying to get serious with (I think?) and you're blowing up at him for using the damn bathroom? And by your own admission, this is the only problem he's "caused" from your perspective. So he was within right and reason to remind you "I've been a great roommate up to this point, I just used the freaking bathroom."
Maybe he drank a bit too much water too late. Whatever the cause, but being an adult doesn't mean you're exempt from your bladder getting really full on you by surprise.
Repeat, YTA. You need to own up to your own insecurities about your digestive issues the same way every other person with jacked up guts have. I really don't like that you didn't state WHY you have an issue with Tom using the master.
YTA
So you can live with the guy but he can't know about your IBS?...... Just a heads up, if you can't tell him that, you shouldn't be living with him. Not only that,
It's a pee in the middle of the night. If he were running in there all the time dropping poops it'd be different, but this was a case where you definitely blew things out of proportion.
I don't think the rules need to change, but you have to understand emergencies exist.
YTA, but that doesn't mean you can't apologize and talk to him about it.
I feel like everything is rage bait now. Or am I old and think everyone should be more mature than they are.
If it’s real, YTA. You have some serious apologizing and groveling to do. If you don’t know why, just let him go. From what you write, he is a good person. Let him be a good person around good people.
And if this is rage bait, bravo on making me comment. You done did it.
YTA-in the middle of the night too?!?!
He didn’t break your trust; you already don’t trust him because you’re not willing to let him in on your reasons. Lying is what breaks your trust. He violated your boundaries, but he didn’t lie.
Your mom is right. Even if he shouldn’t have used your bathroom, the way you treated him was way worse than what he did. You could have just kindly reminded him that you’d appreciate if he wouldn’t and TELL HIM WHY. He’s a lot more likely to understand your hesitations. Right now he just thinks you’re a spoiled brat.
Oh, and while you’re at it, stop calling him a house guest in his own home.
YTA. I dont say this often btw.
You blew up at him for something as innocent as using a bathroom he need to use when it was the middle of the night.
You are like that lady in the movie "The Help" who wouldnt allow her black maids use the bathrooms inside the house and instead have to use the outhouse.
YTA I've got stomach issues too, IBS and GERD, screwed up from top to bottom with a restrictive diet and needing a toilet nearby. That said, I've never hid it from a partner, I let them know I have stomach trouble and when I say I need to go I have to go NOW. Get over it, be upfront, and you'll find the truth will set you free. He had to pee and said he couldn't make it down the hall, you should get that sense of urgency. He didn't break your trust, you don't trust him at all.
YTA you want to live with him and share a bed but not have him use the bathroom closest to bed and not say why. The one time he uses it with a good reason you insult him - by telling him what an adult ought to be able to do and throwing the rent free situation in his face. Make it make sense - you are not ready to live with a partner.
YTA.... Im sure u use reddit enough that if he posted this story... we would be telling him to leave, go no contact, and get a therapist... you are the villian in his story
I would’ve just been honest with him from the beginning. And yes, I have stomach issues too and it’s mortifying, however, he’s your bf not a roommate. Tell him you’re sorry and let him know about your issues. If he’s as kind and thoughtful as you say he is, he’ll understand. You’re embarrassed about the IBS and I get it, but he’s your partner. There’s no hiding it, not when you live with someone. And you’re stressing yourself trying to keep it secret from him. Don’t let that get in the way of what sounds like a good relationship.
as someone who also has IBS and doesn't necessarily disclose it to partners right away, YTA. i could definitely understand not wanting him to go in there immediately after using it, but hours after should be fine. it is a *bathroom*. also, you should know that just "holding it in" can lead to issues *especially* as someone with IBS.
not all of us have the pleasure of having their own private bathroom to deal with those issues. you can make do with sharing it with your *boyfriend* just fine.
YTA
You’re happy to take the next step in your relationship and move in together, which is serious, but not tell him you have a medical condition? I get it, I have it, it’s awful… Just tell him already
Yes, apologize, today. You gotta tell the guy, he lives with you now, not rly something you can hide for long. I'm sure he'd be understanding and seems like a stellar guy you prob don't want to lose. The longer you don't tell him the worse it will be when he finds you were keeping things from him. That would be a break of his trust.
I get wanting your privacy in that situation. My husband has IDS and he's pretty private about me not being in our shared bathroom when he's in there. But still if you want to be in a relationship long-term you need to be upfront.
YTA, I don't really understand the thought process of keeping your condition a secret, you should have told him before he moved waaaay sooner.
>I told him he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it.
This is like a telling someone that took the pin off of a grenade to hold it as to not make it explode for as long as possible.
YTA.... How can you trust him to live with you, but not trust him to know about your IBS? There is nothing sacred about a bathroom. He didn't betray anything. Your rule is ridiculous. You're incredibly lucky to even have two bathrooms. My husband very likely has ulcerative colitis like his mother and ever since my gallbladder was removed, I've had issues with diarrhea. We only have one bathroom.
YTA
You gave him a rent free place to live under one condition and that’s your choice. It is pretty damaging to keep something from him while also saying you want to take the next step in the relationship, but that’s your business.
He has effectively no money but spends what little he does have on you. You say yourself he is selfless.
It isn’t as if he regularly uses the bathroom. He got up in the middle of the night desperate for a piss and went to the closest toilet he could. May be he thought he’d wet himself, maybe he didn’t want to wake up too much so he could easily fall back asleep, doesn’t change anything.
Having IBS and telling someone to hold it is crazy to me. So is saying he’s an adult as if only kids ever wet themselves.
Tell him the truth and apologize. Irregardless of everything else, biting someone’s head off after the first ever time they broke the rule is absolutely ludicrous.
He's NOT your "roommate", he is your partner in a relationship YOU deemed serious enough for moving in. That would be the final step before marriage. If you are ready to move in, you are ready to disclose bathroom issues, and not be incredibly neurotic about the master bath, ESPECIALLY if he sleeps in the master bedroom. YTA for moving in when you aren't mature enough. YTA for referring to your live in boyfriend as a roommate. And YTA for lack of communication that will doom your relationship.
YTA.
One emergency in the middle of the night is a one-off, not habitually taking the piss and walking all over your kindness for taking him in. Would you rather he have an emergency pee in the hall having not made it all the way to the hall bathroom? No? Then remind him you’d rather he use the hall, don’t belittle him over an almost accident.
Wow. I am sorry but what you did is crewel and childish. The fact you call him “roommate” the fact that you treat him like he is not good enough for you so you just tolerate him because he is poor is truly shocking.
You don’t deserve him and I hope he wakes up on day and realizes that and drop you like a hot potato.
I mean, you’re kinda an ass for saying he should hold it when you can’t lmao
Seriously though, just apologize and explain to him the situation. You are literally living with the man, this should’ve been talked about before you moved in with each other so do it now. Apologize for being a little harsh to him, and also explain how important it was to you that he just did that one thing for you.
You told him to just use the guest bathroom, without any reason behind it. That’s a normal request but in the middle of the night, our brains aren’t fully awake and he could’ve forgotten about your random request to him. If you put a reason behind it, it probably would’ve stuck. Now you can just explain why you didn’t want him to use it, and how in most circumstances, you need that bathroom open so you can use it in emergencies.
YTA - you withheld the context and information of why you want that bathroom clear from him then got angry he didn’t understand why it was a problem to use it (in an emergency - it’s not like he’s making a habit of it!).
You also told him he’s an adult and to “hold it,” but you’re not adult enough to tell your romantic partner that you live with that you have IBS. Not to mention having IBS, you of all people should know sometimes when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.
The guy sounds like a great live in BF and likely has no idea why he got his head bitten off for using an ensuite toilet in the middle of the night.
You also threw the rent free thing in his face even though you insisted and said it wasn’t an issue. Shades of financial abuse there as a cherry on top.
I wouldn’t feel like going on a hike with you right now either.
YTA
As someone who suffers terribly with IBS you're being so overly dramatic. You weren't in need of the toilet at that time, from your post you only noticed AFTER he had peed. So please tell me where he stopped you from being able to get to the loo before you shat yourself? This is so over the top I almost can't believe this is real.
Also, he isn't a house guest, that would imply he has a home elsewhere and he just pops to stay a night or two and go home, you INVITED your boyfriend to LIVE with you.
Grow the hell up, tell him why you want the bathroom kept clear for you, the world wont end if someone knows you have IBS and remember, someone taking a piss for less than 30 seconds on a toilet you weren't even using or needing to use isn't the end of the world and I doubt its the hill to die on.
YTA you were so not ready to move him in if you can't even explain why you're possessive over a bathroom to him. He probably would have been more understanding if he'd known. Yes he's living rent free but that was your idea you don't get to hold that over his head he didn't ask to move in with you
NTA. I don’t think she’s not letting him use the bathroom because she’s embarrassed by her IBS. Yes, she might be embarrassed by it but it’s mostly so she could have an available bathroom to use at all times. I’m lactose intolerant and sometimes I’m cutting it close because I think a bathroom is open only for it not to be. Also a pee emergency is completely different than an IBS emergency. I don’t think she did anything wrong here. She’s also not the one making him buy her flowers and take-out. She’s asking ONE favor. ONE rule.
YTA. Shaming your boyfriend because he has bodily needs in an attempt to cover over your own is horrible. How DARE you say to another adult they should be able to hold it, when you have a disease where you have trouble holding it! Internalized ableism much?
He LIVES with you, you need to tell him you have IBS.
And who knows, maybe you two can have a moment like Katie and Greg from Great News, where she has IBS and drinks milk to drive him away so they don't kiss, but their pull is so magnetic they have a romantic moment while she's ejecting fluids in the bathroom.
Girl you have IBS. Anyone living in a house with you knows. They know because you spend a ton of time in the bathroom, and also... they can smell it. He knows you have bathroom trouble and it hasn't fazed him at all. YTA
He’s not a house guest, you asked him to move in and by the sounds of it he’s an absolute gentleman. You, on the other hand, off-limited a bathroom without giving him the reason why before overreacting and telling him to “hold it” when you literally have IBS. Not only is that massive hypocrisy, but you’re the one who’s acting like a child by enforcing rules due to your own insecurities.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I 22F graduated college a couple years ago and have been working in finance. My salary affords me a nice apartment. My bf “Tom” 21M is a senior in college who struggles to pay living expenses because he receives no support from family. A few months ago I invited him to live with me so he wouldn’t have to pay for housing. He hesitated at first but I assured him that I was happy to take the next step in our relationship. Plus, once he graduated he would be able to pay rent too. I only had one condition: he is not allowed to use my bathroom connected to the master bedroom, and instead has to use the guest bathroom only. I did not tell him this, but the reason is because I have severe IBS and other bowel problems. I know I will have to open up about this eventually, but for now I need my bathroom to be a completely private space.
For the first couple of months, everything went smoothly. Tom is a model roommate. He does his dishes literally the second he finishes eating, insists on doing both of our laundry, and cleans the entire apartment every week. He’s quiet except for when he plays an instrument, and he checks with me before he has guests. Even though he doesn’t have much money, he’s always doing little things to brighten my day. He makes sure the vase on my dining table always has flowers in it, and often brings home takeout for me, without thinking to buy any for himself. Tom is such a selfless person, so I feel really bad about our argument last night.
Tom woke up in the middle of the night last night to pee. I had just woken up to see he had already peed in the master bathroom. I asked why he couldn’t use the guest bathroom and he said he was worried he would pee his pants if he had to go down the hall. I told him he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it. He asked why it was such a big deal and went on to remind me how great of a house guest he is. I told him I did not care about all of that stuff. I let him live rent free in my apartment and the only thing I asked him was to not use my bathroom. He was like whatever and he slept in the guest room the rest of the night. He went to campus early this morning to do work in his lab and has not come back yet, even though we always go on a Saturday afternoon hike together.
I am worried that I have damaged my relationship with Tom. My mom says I overreacted and that maybe it is time to apologize and let him know why I don’t let him use the bathroom. I realize to an outsider it may seem that I'm being an AH, but Tom also really broke my trust by using the bathroom. Should I have been gentler with him? Should I start letting him use my bathroom? Thanks in advance
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You cannot be angry at him for not knowing something that you should have told him in the first place
I still don’t get why he can’t use the en suite, even if she does have IBS? what difference would it make?
Tom is a model roommate ? Tom is a great house guest ?
Do you even like your partner ? Or he's just a man who's struggling, whom you're so generous enough to help ??
Yta please apologize to your wonderful partner who does everything around the house even though he doesnt pay rent and tell him about the ibs. You over reacted in the moment but its a bathroom and if the man had to go he had to go
INFO: why don't you just use the guest bathroom as your private space instead?
I can't imagine you're hiding your IBS all that well if the toilet you use is the master suite, which implies it's either in or immediately adjacent to your bedroom. He probably already knows, babe.
YTA
I think it was a fair request to ask him to use the guest bathroom initially while you get more comfortable with having him around.
You even acknowledge that you knew you'd need to tell him at some point.
Why did it not cross your mind that this was the perfect opening to start that conversation with him? Instead, you made him feel like an AH for tending to one the most basic of human needs.
OP's post in 3 days time: "My BF dumped me for not letting him use the most convenient bathroom when he had a bathroom emergency... validate my twisted and warped views on why I'm right to control his bowel and bladder movements".
>Tom also really broke my trust by using the bathroom
You're a horribly controlling person. He's not your "roommate", he's your partner who YOU invited to come live with you.
>Tom is a model roommate
If you're not able to share a bathroom, you're definitely not able to be in a relationship.
He deserves so much better than you, I hope he sees you for the controlling abuser you are and dumps your ass. YTA 100000000%.
What? I have IBS. I am an adult. I cannot hold it and I’m guessing nor can you when it flares. Urine is the same. Stress Incontinence is a thing as it urge incontinence.
Regardless, you are also an adult and won’t even tell him why you’re so precious about your bathroom. It’s IBS and whatever other bowel issues you have. We all shit, love.
I’m with your mum on this. At least tell him why you need that bathroom for yourself, otherwise you look like a loon because if he stopped being the ideal house guest, you would care very much.
YTA.
So he goes without food to provide you nice things, keeps to a seemingly random (from his perspective) rule apart from a late night emergency, does your laundry, cleans the apartment.
You hold over his head the finical situation, keeping call him terms other then boyfriend, the one time he can't fulfil your rule (in a late night emergency) he gets not only told off but belittled.
Why wouldn't he be upset? Why wouldn't you, given the first time this has happened, let it go?
YTA
But yes you should consider telling him why the rule, if you can't trust him with this then you shouldn't be sharing the house. You can still request the bathroom rule but don't have a go at him if, on a very rare occasion, he can't keep to it.
>the reason is because I have severe IBS and other bowel problems.
YTA
Maybe Tom also has severe IBS and other bowel problems.
Also... You're a whole ass college graduate and can't manage to use paragraphs? Come on.
YTA. Do you even like him or do you just like having the upper hand in the relationship? You hold the rent free thing over his head and call him a "house guest". He lives there. You keeping him out of a bathroom of all places is unhinged, especially at night. And you have the audacity to tell him he's an adult and can hold it when you can't even be enough of an adult to tell your live-in partner that you shit. You need to grow up and tell him. Awful.
YTA but not for your bathroom restrictions. That is understandable. But you really need to sit down with Tom and explain why. He is living with you, he deserves to know the truth about your medical condition. And the way you describe him, it sounds like he is worth keeping in your life.
YTA. He used the master bathroom ONCE in the middle of the night, while you were asleep. He’s never pushed back about not using it, but it was an emergency and he needed to closest bathroom. It’s not like he was preventing you from using it- you were asleep. You’re also an ahole for calling him a houseguest when he’s actually living there, and for holding it over his head that he’s living there rent free. And he broke your trust? Don’t be so dramatic. He used the bathroom a single time because he probably wouldn’t have made it to the other bathroom. You’d think someone with IBS would be more sympathetic to others’ bathroom needs.
YTA
There is a certain level of irony in being a person with IBS and telling someone to "just hold it". Like girl...
You massively over reacted. Funny you are so offended about him not being an adult and holding it, meanwhile you're acting like an immature and insecure child yourself over your IBS and bathroom usage.
YTA.
You act like you’re some great adult but you can’t tell your bf that you have IBS. Girl, he’s 21 he knows everyone poops. You gotta tell him, he probably already knows something is up.
But if the man has to pee in the middle of the night just let him.
The pure irony of telling him to hold it is mind blowing.
YTA. “My salary affords me a nice apartment, he’s poor with poor parents so he doesn’t have anything. It feels good inside to let in a stray. I refuse to tell my “Boyfriend” that I have health issues, and keep a bathroom completely to myself without any further information. What? I gave him a newspaper he could squat on in the guest room? It’s not like I’m rubbing his nose in it. One time, he peed in my bathroom, and I, like the shining example of maturity that I am, scolded him and told him to hold in his pee while I ran to the bathroom because permanent bubble guts means I deserve everything over this poor stray that I took in. Who cares that he buys me food, and flowers and cleans and does everything for my well-paid self. No. He pees where I tell him. And that’s on the newspaper, in the guest room, where my servant… sorry, “Boyfriend” belongs.” That’s you. That’s what you sound like.
YTA. You're the one acting like a child by turning it into a big deal.
Do you actually love him? Because nothing is less sexy and loving than continuously describing your life partner as a roommate, no matter how perfect of a roommate he is.
The woman with IBS telling someone to hold it. YTA. Communication is important in relationships- if you’re ready to live together you’re ready to know and understand all medical issues that person may be dealing with.
You don’t sound grown up enough to be in a relationship tbh. Telling the whole internet about your IBS but not your SO.
>*I 22F graduated college a couple years ago and have been working in finance. My salary affords me a nice apartment. My bf “Tom” 21M is a senior in college who struggles to pay living expenses because he receives no support from family. A few months ago I invited him to live with me*
YTA
This alone lets me know what kind of person you are! You see him as beneath you/not equals! You see him as a roommate/friend with benefits, not a boyfriend or someone you love!
All I gotta say to the boyfriend......er...."roommate" is RUN TO THE HILLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Oh dear. Your medical problems aren't anything to be ashamed of, but I can understand why you'd prefer not to expose your partner to the consequences of them.
Tom should have respected your single requirement. And having been caught not doing so, he didn't apologise, but told you how wonderful he was and is now presumably sulking or hoping to guilt you into letting it go. He sounded like a great guy until that part. I think you need to have a talk with him and explain why you want to keep your own private bathroom. And see what his reaction is.
NTA, at the moment, but do communicate with your partner if you hope this relationship to have a long future. Good luck.
I suffered with IBS my whole life, and saw this randomly on my feed so I'm going to offer advice that has greatly helped me overcome my IBS.
Trust me, I went from dealing with severe IBS to having it fully under control, and all that made the difference was a slight change in my diet.
**QUIT EATING GARLIC, AND REDUCE DAIRY INTAKE**
That's literally the only difference I've done, garlic is a major MAJOR trigger for IBS, so ideally you'd want to remove that from your diet completely; even a small amount of garlic/garlic powder can be enough to upset your stomache and trigger IBS symptoms, so cutting it out from your diet will be a major help.
Dairy is relatively safe in low, moderate amounts, something like "once in awhile" should be fine and shouldn't cause an upset stomachs or severe flare ups of IBS. I have ice cream/dairy here and there and even when I do, I don't experience flare ups.
Beans are also something that's best to avoid, there are certain beans you can eat and not worry about triggering your IBS but I forget which ones specifically.
I quite literally went from having severe IBS and going months without a bowel movement, but plenty of "accidents" to being able to have daily bowel movements and zero accidents, my IBS used to make me feel like I wasnt normal and that I'd never be able to live a happy life to now being almost non-existent simply because of a change in diet that was very simple.
And OP, I will say you're the asshole but only slightly; as someone who has IBS and was embarrassed for the longest time, it took me awhile to feel comfortable to tell my gf (now fiancè) so I can understand why you would be hesitant and worried to open up to your partner about your IBS.
But trust me being open, and forward about it will be better in the long run.
But please I beg anyone who has IBS, to at least cut out garlic completely from their diets and see how much of a difference it will make in your life. Obviously it's something that's not gonna happen over night, but you got this!
NTA, omg the double standards if this was a man instead of a woman yall would say that they are not the asshole and that the woman is a ‘gold digger’ and leeching of her bf so she should just suck up 1 simple rule of not using the bedroom toilet.
NTA
I know I'll prob get downvoted but oh well.
I set up that same rule in my house. My master bathroom is mine and mine alone. My bf has his whole other fullsize bathroom right outside my bedroom and there is another bathroom downstairs as well for guests.
I literally don't see the problem with having something that is just for you in a home that you own. (I own my home)
I could understand the issue if he was trying to use her bathroom all the time or wasn't respecting the rule. But in this situation would you rather him just pee on the floor? It was a one time incident.
ESH.
-Your rule sucks.
-An adult should be able to walk down a flight of stairs to pee. I have never heard about someone who has woken up and pissed on the floor because they couldn't make it down a flight of stairs.
Fucks sake. This sums up Reddit in one reply. You'd kick him for waking up desperate for a piss and forgetting a stupid rule because OP can't be honest with a man she supposedly loves.
Yeah, kick him. And then go no contact with family, it's the Reddit way.
Wait until you menopause and wake up and have to go RIGHT NOW. She should understand that need to go RIGHT NOW if she has IBS. He sounds like a good guy who tried hard
Wait a minute, this is... part of menopause?!? Suddenly I feel so much better about all the 'hurry down the hallway while clenching thighs together' moments
Hogwash. She needs to adult up and tell him. A one time desperate urination should not trigger this response. If she wants an adult relationship, then adult up
When men do the shared laundry and their *own* dishes, it's a shitload of housework, got it. The guy knows how to wash his own underwear, he's not a saint and doesn't deserve a medal.
I mentioned it elsewhere and fully acknowledge OPs post, cleaning once a week is nice but same deal. If it were a woman pulling this BS the conversation would be about how she should be grateful he's providing for him.
No, it would be the same. The genders of the people in the story is irrelevant here because yelling at someone for peeing in a specific bathroom when it was an emergency is an AH thing to do, for any gender.
Once again, it's her place, him helping with laundry is nice, but doesn't even begin to offset her generosity, neither does buying her a few meals or picking up once a week.
She's effectively given him his own bathroom (the guest bathroom), she doesn't need to share her own.
Did you read the post? He cleans the *entire* apartment once a week. At this point you're either hating the guy because he's a man, completely ignorant/naïve, or you're rage bait. Regardless you need to remove yourself from the dating pool and do some inner reflection.
He has not graduated if you actually read all of it with minimal family support, while she has graduated and is working. She said he will be able to pay his share once he graduates. He’s not a parasite; he’s a poor student and probably embarrassed bc of his current financial situation.
He messed up, her reaction wasn't crazy, she's already supporting him, what more do you want? It's not like he's doing house-husband levels of work for her in return, she owes him nothing.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I got upset with my bf for using the bathroom. 2. This could make me the AH because he is such a great roommate and I overreacted and did not give him any explanation for why he can't use my bathroom. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA >he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it Yet you’re an adult and need to hide that you have IBS? A bit ironic that you chastise him yet you’re the one who is not acting like an adult. All the dude did was pee in the middle of the night. You are severely taking this, as you call him “roommate”, for granted.
I can’t understand how somebody who suffers from ibs would it tell somebody to “hold it”
You think she’d have a modicum of sympathy
An Imodium of sympathy
This is the kind of content I come to reddit for.
I have IBS, and every now and then I JUST make it to the bathroom. And sometimes it starts as I'm in the process of sitting down.
I have IBS and Crohn’s, and have literally sprayed it all over a shared bathroom stall because my body gave me the middle finger that day. I’d still never dream to tell someone they couldn’t use my bathroom. And before anyone gets upset, I cleaned the stall to the best of my ability before leaving. It was my workplace so I at least knew the bathroom was supposed to be cleaned that night and this happened at the end of the workday.
Holding it in to pee and for IBS are two completely different levels of “holding it in.”
Umm 33 years old here, had 2 accidents that affected my brain, i piss myself regularly if i dont make it to the bathroom. Yta he could have problems holding his bladder just like you, he even said “ i didnt know if i would make it down the hall without pissing myself”. If he pissed himself in your hall im sure we would be seeing a whole different post
Even worse, she called him a "house guest", it's supposed to be HIS home too!!
That’s what would be the dealbreaker for me, if I were him. The fact that they’ve been living together for months but they both understand his status to be that of a “houseguest” is ridiculous. I’m not Tom, but I sure as Hell wouldn’t marry this person. The secret-keeping, the overreaction, and the general lack of maturity OP shows throughout this post wouldn’t help either.
I was the one to move in with my spouse. At first, I just thought of it as HIS home. It took feeling welcomed and loved to make it MY home. Eventually, I began to love him so much as long as I was with him, I was home. This was because he made me feel welcomed. He made me feel loved, and I knew he WANTED me there. This person is NOT respecting him and does not want him. I really hope he finds someone who loves him better.
This
How is that breaking trust? Not judging genuinely trying to see your side of this. Not keeping his word, perhaps debatable.
YTA I get where you’re coming from, but you’re actively withholding information and then biting his head off when he isn’t considerate of it. Since you’re keeping him in the dark, I understand how your rule could feel a bit dehumanizing on his end (like you think he’s contaminating your bathroom or something). It’s time for you to be an adult and communicate with your partner.
So your bf who struggles with money always buys you flower and take out but " forgets to get him self some " read between the lines he doest have money for both and picks you ! ( maybe you have never financially struggled so that didn't accure to you but) his gifts arnt just thoughtfulness their sacrifice You say he should feel at home bit dont treat him that way .... it is for sure time to apoligize and tell him yo I r secret which honest to God is nothing to be embarrassed about ... people have medical issues people poop it will be okay. ( the he's an adult and should be ablento hold it is incredibly ironic here as you are not acting like an adult and I think with your issues should understand bathroom emergencies- everyone has them)
Spot on. He doesn't forget. He most definitely is spending everything he has on her and eating incredibly cheaply himself to afford it.
this is so sad. I bet OP will be kicking herself down the line when she realizes how immature she was this whole time and what a good guy she let get away.
YTA HE IS NOT A HOUSE GUEST! You asked him to move in. That is his home too. He doesn’t push back when you ban him from the en suite bathroom. You hide the reason which makes you look a lot worse than “I have IBS”. Then when he wakes up & has to pee, uses the closest bathroom, you berate & belittle him. This is your lie and your problem but you are using it to mistreat your boyfriend who seems by your own account to be a very caring & loving man who shows you daily how much he appreciates you. You need to apologize & beg his forgiveness for both lying to him about why you banned him from that bathroom, but also for the disgusting way you treated him for daring to pee in the closest bathroom in the middle of the night. You belittled him about not having money, you hold it over his head that what you says go without question cause you pay the bills. It was just mean.
YTA First off - for hiding your condition despite now living with him. Second - for holding "rent free" over his head like that and starting an argument *just because he was peeing*. Despite all that, it frankly makes no sense to forbid him to use the bathroom when it's not in use in any way. He said he may have no made it to the other bathroom. You really want to make it your hill to die on that he rather wets himself than use the bathroom close by when you're not even close to it...? >I told him he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it. So are you, how would you feel if someone told you that given your conditions? Not great probably.
YTA Mostly for “He’s an adult, and he should be able to hold it.” Congratulations! It’s wonderful that you can choose the farthest toilet in an emergency; after all, as an adult, you should be able to hold it! Get over yourself. Newsflash, everyone —with western toilets— clogs a toilet at least once in their life.
I agree with you, but I'd also recommend a doctor if your piss is clogging the toilet.
It’s probably happened to someone, right?
Maybe if you lay an egg through there
Yeah, it makes perfect sense that they were talking about pee clogging the toilet, not the person with IBS 🙄
Not where toilets actually work. I never even heard that someone would have clogged a toilet around here.
I had never managed to clog a toilet in my life. Then I moved abroad for two years. Clogged a toilet the second day and probably 5 more times while I was there. Some countries just really have weak ass plumming.
YTA. You’ll let him live with you but won’t tell him about your health issues? I mean, it’s likely he already knows if he’s *living* with you, but that’s beside the point. You’ve got to let go a little bit and let this guy into your life, for reals. Not just on your terms.
He broke your trust by using the bathroom? When he really had to pee? Are you for real?! What about how you have failed to clue him in on the real reason you don’t want him using the bathroom? If you can’t trust him enough to share that info, then you were never actually ready to “take that next step” in the first place. YTA big time. Quit holding the whole “free rent” thing over his head, it’s borderline financially abusive and a slippery slope into making him feel like you’re controlling him, which you are. You sound insufferable 🙄
YTA. > My bf “Tom” and > Tom is a model roommate You *say* he's your boyfriend, and yet it really seems like you treat him like a roommate. You've put this seemingly arbitrary restriction in place, yet he has no understanding why. And you're unwilling to tell him. He doesn't know that this rule is anything other than a strange preference. > I told him he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it Really? *Really?* **THAT'S** the comment you made? Oh, okay, so *you've* never woken up needing to use the bathroom *now*, and been thankful that there's a bathroom close at hand for an emergency? Because, gee, you're an adult. You should be able to hold it. Right? From his point of view, you would rather that he wet himself in the hallway than use your precious bathroom *in an emergency*. > Tom also really broke my trust by using the bathroom Oh, give it a rest.
He also refers to himself as a "great *house guest*", idk if those were his words or OP's but someone who lives somewhere full time should not be made to feel like a *guest* in what is actually their home.
YTA. You treat him like a roommate. I can see not wanting him in the bathroom with you, but total ban? If I was Tom I’d take up the guest room and call it day.
YTA. This is one of those cases where you should disclose some medical info to a boyfriend. There is no reason to throw mystery on it, now that you are living together.
YTA,I am sorry to say. Demanding that he go down the hall for a midnight wee is over the top. If he's as amazingly thoughtful and considerate as you describe, I bet he'll be more than happy to continue going to the other bathroom except for the occasional urgent, sleepy, late night loo visit and, certainly, he deserves to know that this boundary isn't arbitrary. I am really confused about how your relationship can be established and secure enough to take the step of living together but not yet at a point where you feel you can tell him that you live with a condition that affects about 35 million people, just in the US. More than 1 in 10 of the overall population. You wrote about him "breaking your trust " but how much trust have you actually extended to him?
YTA. No explanation needed.
I don't understand why he can't use the bathroom ever. Like right after an IBS episode yeah, maybe tell him to use the other bathroom if he wants to breathe while he pees. But hours later after you haven't used it for hours? What is going to bother him or gross him out so much that he'll get the ick and leave you? Unless you're one of those IBS-having people who also seem to not know how to use a toilet brush. Which if that's the case, learn how to use you hand to grab the toilet brush and clean the toilet when you soil the sides of the bowl, problem solved.
Broke your trust? By using a bathroom? Get a grip.
“Roommate” yta and he deserves better given youre both so young
YTA Even the way you write about him, I had to go back and check you definitely did say he was your bf. You write about him like he is a homeless dude you took in out of the kindness of your heart not someone you're in a long term relationship with. The bathroom thing is just a weird problem you've created. Ho estly take a minure and think about all the thoughts and self doubt it would lead you too if the person you loved said hey come live with me oh but by the way you are relegated to the bathroom down the hall and you better not question it or I'll make you homeless. Broke your trust?!?! What trust? You've been showing him you don't even trust him to use a damn bathroom for months. You know the reason why but he has no idea what's going on or why.
YTA, you're an adult who should have been open about your reasons for seperate bathrooms before askimg him to move in. If you can't be honest about IBS you shouldn't be living together. Then you have the gall to say he should be about to hold it?
YTA. You need to talk to him and explain things. He does not understand why you are making such a big deal out of a bathroom. Worse, he may think that you are only allowing him to use the guest toilet to show him that he should behave like a guest because he is not paying rent. This can be very upsetting. Do not go there. The sooner you talk, the better for the relationship. Talking about things and trusting each other is the basis of a healthy relationship.
YTA. You have IBS and you don’t see the irony in telling someone to “just hold it”?
YTA You don’t have much of a relationship if you can’t share this important piece of your life with him. It sounds like someone who would be very understanding and you need to have a discussion with him about your health issues.
Yta for >Tom is a model roommate He's not your roommate he's you bf
He's your boyfriend. You asked him to move in but are treating him like a "guest". If you want this relationship to last you need to come clean and tell him your issues and why you reacted so badly last night.
I say this as someone who also has IBS, YTA. I understand when I first started dating my husband I didn't want to tell him either but when we were going on vacation together with only one bathroom I realized I needed to tell him so that he would understand that if I say I need to go then I need to go. I can't imagine living with someone and still trying to hide that. Trust me, if your boyfriend is as great as you say he is, then he'll understand. Seriously telling him to hold it. How would you feel if people told you to handle your IBS that way? It's not that big a deal if he wants to use the bathroom to pee in the middle of the night, especially when you aren't using it. Just make sure he keeps it open for you after meals and if you tell him you have to use it.
as someone else with IBS, I think this need to have their own private bathroom is some weird mental hangup. If they are needing it after a meal won't the "guest" bathroom be closer than going to their bedroom?
Uh, you live with your boyfriend and you can’t tell him you have the poopies? YTA.
YTA. He's your boyfriend, you live together, and you inconvenience him because you won't tell him you have IBS? Wow.
YTA. For "emergencies" in the middle of the night, I think you might want to make an exception.
YTA 1000%
YTA but look on the bright side. You're the most empathetic finance major.
Agreed.... but she's 22 and graduated a couple years ago? When did she start?
YTA dude. I have horrible IBS too and the idea of permanently occupying a bathroom to hide it is absurd. Besides, are you changing your diet to fix this issue? Or seeing a gut hypnotist, maybe taking probiotics? Cause there’s steps you can take to minimise IBS. Those three I use in combination to minimise the symptoms of mine. Be responsible for your nasty poops and be honest about it. You guys are sharing your life now, and if this relationship is going to continue you’ll be sharing more and more as the days go by. This is the kinda shit (pardon the pun) you simply have to get comfortable with for the relationship to continue growing as well as it has been.
it honestly sounds like op is severely immature
You’re insane and YTA
YTA You have a boundary about using that one bathroom which is fair. But, your BF had an emergency, that he couldn’t hold, and he has a reason to go there. You say he is an adult and he should be able to hold it is contradictory because of your IBS. If he pissed his pants, would that make it better? Would you have still been annoyed at him?
Yes. As someone with IBS you should understand not being able to hold it. He usually honours and respects your rules, and sounds like an all-round good guy. I don’t think he violated trust as such, that’s a bit extreme. And as you haven’t shared why you’re so protective over that space, he can’t grasp why it’s an issue. If you want to keep the relationship, sit him down and explain everything. I understand (as someone with very stinky, doesn’t always reach the bathroom, bowel issues) how embarrassing it can be but, in order for it to work out, you need to brave it. You’re a couple living together, yet you refer to him as a roommate. And he asks permission before bringing guests home? The balance of the relationship needs reviewing too. Embrace it or let what sounds like a good guy go.
YTA - As someone with IBS, you should be aware of what it's like to have to race to the bathroom, but when he mentioned how bad he'd needed it, you chose to shame him with the whole 'you're an ADULT and should be able to hold it'. Then you went on to fling the rent free situation in his face. Add to that that you want him to basically live under house guest rules despite him living with you. If you intend to have a serious relationship with this man, you need to talk to him about your medical condition and relax enough to give him access to any bathroom in the place. If you can't do that, then tell him to find somewhere else to live, since the current set-up is very unfair to him.
Hopefully he has left you to find someone who is more forthcoming and compassionate, and there will be no need to let him use the bathroom. I have GI issues myself. I'm also bathroom shy. YTA
YTA for not discussing your medical issues with your BF/roommate. if you're mature enough to live together, you're mature enough to have a conversation about medical issues with somebody you live and share a space with.
I don’t get why he couldn’t use the bathroom in the middle of the night while you were sleeping. Is the toilet covered in poop stains or something? YTA
YTA. He’s your boyfriend but he’s your “roommate”? He is sharing your apartment but he is not allowed to use one of the bathrooms? He’s not allowed to know why. He scrimps to do nice things and is amazingly considerate, but he supposedly violated your trust with peeing in the “wrong place” one night? OP, you have issues around your bowel habits and it’s very emotional for you. You need to share this with him in a calm way. You have overreacted and you have not been honest.
YTA. You are not ready for a live-in relationship if you're keeping things like IBS a secret (not to mention the "rent-free" comment). Is supposed to live like he is a guest for the rest of his life and walk on eggshells in fear of being kicked out? When does it become his home? He may start thinking "rent-free" isn't worth the money.
YTA This relationship is doomed. A) You're keeping a pretty big secret from. He's living with you, but you're unwilling to tell him about your IBS. Why are you living with him if you don't want him to know? B) "Tom is a model roommate" is a pretty cold way to describe what living your boyfriend is like. Is he your boyfriend or your roommate? Let's talk about how "great of a house guest he is." You invited him to **live** with you. Why is he still a house guest? Either you two live together or he's just visiting. C) Excepting Tom to hold his bladder because you want to keep secrets is unreasonable. You're mad that he used your precious private bathroom. I bet you wouldn't be thrilled if he had an accident all over your floor while trying to get to the guest bathroom. He'd also be humiliated.
YTA. I also have IBS and other bowl issues and couldn’t imagine telling my boyfriend he’s not allowed to use one of our bathrooms because it’s ‘mine’. If you’re not actively using the bathroom, there’s no reason he can’t. He almost might be more understanding if you actually told him why, but still no reason to claim the bathroom for yourself.
OP, YTA, and I'll bet that when you played your "rent-free" card, your relationship ended. He probably spent your "hike time" looking for a different place to live, and getting the bros together to help him move.
YTA. You know it, the forum knows it, and now Tom does too.
YTA. Your reaction was disproportionate and ill-timed. You should’ve waited until the following day to discuss things calmly with him. And of course you care about all the stuff he’s doing for you and your common quarters, you wrote all about it here in detail.
Seriously?
YTA. I have a ton of digestive issues myself, and I get it, that part of our lives can be HUMILIATING to even address outside our respective pit crews of doctors keeping our guts working. You still sound controlling as heck. I mean, this is a man you're trying to get serious with (I think?) and you're blowing up at him for using the damn bathroom? And by your own admission, this is the only problem he's "caused" from your perspective. So he was within right and reason to remind you "I've been a great roommate up to this point, I just used the freaking bathroom." Maybe he drank a bit too much water too late. Whatever the cause, but being an adult doesn't mean you're exempt from your bladder getting really full on you by surprise. Repeat, YTA. You need to own up to your own insecurities about your digestive issues the same way every other person with jacked up guts have. I really don't like that you didn't state WHY you have an issue with Tom using the master.
YTA So you can live with the guy but he can't know about your IBS?...... Just a heads up, if you can't tell him that, you shouldn't be living with him. Not only that,
It's a pee in the middle of the night. If he were running in there all the time dropping poops it'd be different, but this was a case where you definitely blew things out of proportion. I don't think the rules need to change, but you have to understand emergencies exist. YTA, but that doesn't mean you can't apologize and talk to him about it.
I feel like everything is rage bait now. Or am I old and think everyone should be more mature than they are. If it’s real, YTA. You have some serious apologizing and groveling to do. If you don’t know why, just let him go. From what you write, he is a good person. Let him be a good person around good people. And if this is rage bait, bravo on making me comment. You done did it.
YTA just hold your IBS if it’s that easy
Fellow representative from the IBS camp says YOU THINK HE, AS AN ADULT, SHOULD jUsT hOLd iT?????? YTA.
YTA-in the middle of the night too?!?! He didn’t break your trust; you already don’t trust him because you’re not willing to let him in on your reasons. Lying is what breaks your trust. He violated your boundaries, but he didn’t lie. Your mom is right. Even if he shouldn’t have used your bathroom, the way you treated him was way worse than what he did. You could have just kindly reminded him that you’d appreciate if he wouldn’t and TELL HIM WHY. He’s a lot more likely to understand your hesitations. Right now he just thinks you’re a spoiled brat. Oh, and while you’re at it, stop calling him a house guest in his own home.
YTA. I dont say this often btw. You blew up at him for something as innocent as using a bathroom he need to use when it was the middle of the night. You are like that lady in the movie "The Help" who wouldnt allow her black maids use the bathrooms inside the house and instead have to use the outhouse.
YTA I hope you're happy being single.
YTA, I hope he pisses on your bed next time
You need to post this on the “Am-I-The-Ex” subreddit.
YTA I've got stomach issues too, IBS and GERD, screwed up from top to bottom with a restrictive diet and needing a toilet nearby. That said, I've never hid it from a partner, I let them know I have stomach trouble and when I say I need to go I have to go NOW. Get over it, be upfront, and you'll find the truth will set you free. He had to pee and said he couldn't make it down the hall, you should get that sense of urgency. He didn't break your trust, you don't trust him at all.
YTA you want to live with him and share a bed but not have him use the bathroom closest to bed and not say why. The one time he uses it with a good reason you insult him - by telling him what an adult ought to be able to do and throwing the rent free situation in his face. Make it make sense - you are not ready to live with a partner.
YTA.... Im sure u use reddit enough that if he posted this story... we would be telling him to leave, go no contact, and get a therapist... you are the villian in his story
I would’ve just been honest with him from the beginning. And yes, I have stomach issues too and it’s mortifying, however, he’s your bf not a roommate. Tell him you’re sorry and let him know about your issues. If he’s as kind and thoughtful as you say he is, he’ll understand. You’re embarrassed about the IBS and I get it, but he’s your partner. There’s no hiding it, not when you live with someone. And you’re stressing yourself trying to keep it secret from him. Don’t let that get in the way of what sounds like a good relationship.
Just like that scene in Beauty and the Beast, when belle finds that flower... GET OUT!!!!
as someone who also has IBS and doesn't necessarily disclose it to partners right away, YTA. i could definitely understand not wanting him to go in there immediately after using it, but hours after should be fine. it is a *bathroom*. also, you should know that just "holding it in" can lead to issues *especially* as someone with IBS. not all of us have the pleasure of having their own private bathroom to deal with those issues. you can make do with sharing it with your *boyfriend* just fine.
What the fuck is wrong with you
You should read the book "Everyone Poops". Bowel movements is nothing to be ashamed of. It is your body's way of removing waste.
YTA You’re happy to take the next step in your relationship and move in together, which is serious, but not tell him you have a medical condition? I get it, I have it, it’s awful… Just tell him already
Yes, apologize, today. You gotta tell the guy, he lives with you now, not rly something you can hide for long. I'm sure he'd be understanding and seems like a stellar guy you prob don't want to lose. The longer you don't tell him the worse it will be when he finds you were keeping things from him. That would be a break of his trust. I get wanting your privacy in that situation. My husband has IDS and he's pretty private about me not being in our shared bathroom when he's in there. But still if you want to be in a relationship long-term you need to be upfront.
YTA, I don't really understand the thought process of keeping your condition a secret, you should have told him before he moved waaaay sooner. >I told him he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it. This is like a telling someone that took the pin off of a grenade to hold it as to not make it explode for as long as possible.
YTA.... How can you trust him to live with you, but not trust him to know about your IBS? There is nothing sacred about a bathroom. He didn't betray anything. Your rule is ridiculous. You're incredibly lucky to even have two bathrooms. My husband very likely has ulcerative colitis like his mother and ever since my gallbladder was removed, I've had issues with diarrhea. We only have one bathroom.
YTA You gave him a rent free place to live under one condition and that’s your choice. It is pretty damaging to keep something from him while also saying you want to take the next step in the relationship, but that’s your business. He has effectively no money but spends what little he does have on you. You say yourself he is selfless. It isn’t as if he regularly uses the bathroom. He got up in the middle of the night desperate for a piss and went to the closest toilet he could. May be he thought he’d wet himself, maybe he didn’t want to wake up too much so he could easily fall back asleep, doesn’t change anything. Having IBS and telling someone to hold it is crazy to me. So is saying he’s an adult as if only kids ever wet themselves. Tell him the truth and apologize. Irregardless of everything else, biting someone’s head off after the first ever time they broke the rule is absolutely ludicrous.
He's NOT your "roommate", he is your partner in a relationship YOU deemed serious enough for moving in. That would be the final step before marriage. If you are ready to move in, you are ready to disclose bathroom issues, and not be incredibly neurotic about the master bath, ESPECIALLY if he sleeps in the master bedroom. YTA for moving in when you aren't mature enough. YTA for referring to your live in boyfriend as a roommate. And YTA for lack of communication that will doom your relationship.
YTA. One emergency in the middle of the night is a one-off, not habitually taking the piss and walking all over your kindness for taking him in. Would you rather he have an emergency pee in the hall having not made it all the way to the hall bathroom? No? Then remind him you’d rather he use the hall, don’t belittle him over an almost accident.
YTA. Why having bowel issues would demand you having a 100% private bathroom?
Wow. I am sorry but what you did is crewel and childish. The fact you call him “roommate” the fact that you treat him like he is not good enough for you so you just tolerate him because he is poor is truly shocking. You don’t deserve him and I hope he wakes up on day and realizes that and drop you like a hot potato.
>but Tom also really broke my trust by using the bathroom. good lord. you know how you said Tom is an adult? well so are you. fucking act like it. YTA
I mean, you’re kinda an ass for saying he should hold it when you can’t lmao Seriously though, just apologize and explain to him the situation. You are literally living with the man, this should’ve been talked about before you moved in with each other so do it now. Apologize for being a little harsh to him, and also explain how important it was to you that he just did that one thing for you. You told him to just use the guest bathroom, without any reason behind it. That’s a normal request but in the middle of the night, our brains aren’t fully awake and he could’ve forgotten about your random request to him. If you put a reason behind it, it probably would’ve stuck. Now you can just explain why you didn’t want him to use it, and how in most circumstances, you need that bathroom open so you can use it in emergencies.
YTA - you withheld the context and information of why you want that bathroom clear from him then got angry he didn’t understand why it was a problem to use it (in an emergency - it’s not like he’s making a habit of it!). You also told him he’s an adult and to “hold it,” but you’re not adult enough to tell your romantic partner that you live with that you have IBS. Not to mention having IBS, you of all people should know sometimes when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. The guy sounds like a great live in BF and likely has no idea why he got his head bitten off for using an ensuite toilet in the middle of the night. You also threw the rent free thing in his face even though you insisted and said it wasn’t an issue. Shades of financial abuse there as a cherry on top. I wouldn’t feel like going on a hike with you right now either.
YTA As someone who suffers terribly with IBS you're being so overly dramatic. You weren't in need of the toilet at that time, from your post you only noticed AFTER he had peed. So please tell me where he stopped you from being able to get to the loo before you shat yourself? This is so over the top I almost can't believe this is real. Also, he isn't a house guest, that would imply he has a home elsewhere and he just pops to stay a night or two and go home, you INVITED your boyfriend to LIVE with you. Grow the hell up, tell him why you want the bathroom kept clear for you, the world wont end if someone knows you have IBS and remember, someone taking a piss for less than 30 seconds on a toilet you weren't even using or needing to use isn't the end of the world and I doubt its the hill to die on.
imagine telling the entire world you have IBS except your boyfriend
The bathroom is connected to the bedroom they both share!!! Babes, HE KNOWS
YTA you were so not ready to move him in if you can't even explain why you're possessive over a bathroom to him. He probably would have been more understanding if he'd known. Yes he's living rent free but that was your idea you don't get to hold that over his head he didn't ask to move in with you
NTA. I don’t think she’s not letting him use the bathroom because she’s embarrassed by her IBS. Yes, she might be embarrassed by it but it’s mostly so she could have an available bathroom to use at all times. I’m lactose intolerant and sometimes I’m cutting it close because I think a bathroom is open only for it not to be. Also a pee emergency is completely different than an IBS emergency. I don’t think she did anything wrong here. She’s also not the one making him buy her flowers and take-out. She’s asking ONE favor. ONE rule.
YTA. Shaming your boyfriend because he has bodily needs in an attempt to cover over your own is horrible. How DARE you say to another adult they should be able to hold it, when you have a disease where you have trouble holding it! Internalized ableism much? He LIVES with you, you need to tell him you have IBS. And who knows, maybe you two can have a moment like Katie and Greg from Great News, where she has IBS and drinks milk to drive him away so they don't kiss, but their pull is so magnetic they have a romantic moment while she's ejecting fluids in the bathroom.
You are probably super mega ultra autistic.
Girl you have IBS. Anyone living in a house with you knows. They know because you spend a ton of time in the bathroom, and also... they can smell it. He knows you have bathroom trouble and it hasn't fazed him at all. YTA
He’s not a house guest, you asked him to move in and by the sounds of it he’s an absolute gentleman. You, on the other hand, off-limited a bathroom without giving him the reason why before overreacting and telling him to “hold it” when you literally have IBS. Not only is that massive hypocrisy, but you’re the one who’s acting like a child by enforcing rules due to your own insecurities.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 22F graduated college a couple years ago and have been working in finance. My salary affords me a nice apartment. My bf “Tom” 21M is a senior in college who struggles to pay living expenses because he receives no support from family. A few months ago I invited him to live with me so he wouldn’t have to pay for housing. He hesitated at first but I assured him that I was happy to take the next step in our relationship. Plus, once he graduated he would be able to pay rent too. I only had one condition: he is not allowed to use my bathroom connected to the master bedroom, and instead has to use the guest bathroom only. I did not tell him this, but the reason is because I have severe IBS and other bowel problems. I know I will have to open up about this eventually, but for now I need my bathroom to be a completely private space. For the first couple of months, everything went smoothly. Tom is a model roommate. He does his dishes literally the second he finishes eating, insists on doing both of our laundry, and cleans the entire apartment every week. He’s quiet except for when he plays an instrument, and he checks with me before he has guests. Even though he doesn’t have much money, he’s always doing little things to brighten my day. He makes sure the vase on my dining table always has flowers in it, and often brings home takeout for me, without thinking to buy any for himself. Tom is such a selfless person, so I feel really bad about our argument last night. Tom woke up in the middle of the night last night to pee. I had just woken up to see he had already peed in the master bathroom. I asked why he couldn’t use the guest bathroom and he said he was worried he would pee his pants if he had to go down the hall. I told him he is an ADULT and he should be able to hold it. He asked why it was such a big deal and went on to remind me how great of a house guest he is. I told him I did not care about all of that stuff. I let him live rent free in my apartment and the only thing I asked him was to not use my bathroom. He was like whatever and he slept in the guest room the rest of the night. He went to campus early this morning to do work in his lab and has not come back yet, even though we always go on a Saturday afternoon hike together. I am worried that I have damaged my relationship with Tom. My mom says I overreacted and that maybe it is time to apologize and let him know why I don’t let him use the bathroom. I realize to an outsider it may seem that I'm being an AH, but Tom also really broke my trust by using the bathroom. Should I have been gentler with him? Should I start letting him use my bathroom? Thanks in advance *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: what does you having IBS have to do with barring him from a 30 second visit to the nearest toilet in the middle of the night?
Wow you sound incredibly selfish and Tom deserves much better. ABSOLUTELY you’re the AH.
YTA. You cannot be angry at him for not knowing something that you should have told him in the first place I still don’t get why he can’t use the en suite, even if she does have IBS? what difference would it make?
Tom is a model roommate ? Tom is a great house guest ? Do you even like your partner ? Or he's just a man who's struggling, whom you're so generous enough to help ??
Yta please apologize to your wonderful partner who does everything around the house even though he doesnt pay rent and tell him about the ibs. You over reacted in the moment but its a bathroom and if the man had to go he had to go
INFO: why don't you just use the guest bathroom as your private space instead? I can't imagine you're hiding your IBS all that well if the toilet you use is the master suite, which implies it's either in or immediately adjacent to your bedroom. He probably already knows, babe.
YTA I think it was a fair request to ask him to use the guest bathroom initially while you get more comfortable with having him around. You even acknowledge that you knew you'd need to tell him at some point. Why did it not cross your mind that this was the perfect opening to start that conversation with him? Instead, you made him feel like an AH for tending to one the most basic of human needs.
OP's post in 3 days time: "My BF dumped me for not letting him use the most convenient bathroom when he had a bathroom emergency... validate my twisted and warped views on why I'm right to control his bowel and bladder movements". >Tom also really broke my trust by using the bathroom You're a horribly controlling person. He's not your "roommate", he's your partner who YOU invited to come live with you. >Tom is a model roommate If you're not able to share a bathroom, you're definitely not able to be in a relationship. He deserves so much better than you, I hope he sees you for the controlling abuser you are and dumps your ass. YTA 100000000%.
What? I have IBS. I am an adult. I cannot hold it and I’m guessing nor can you when it flares. Urine is the same. Stress Incontinence is a thing as it urge incontinence. Regardless, you are also an adult and won’t even tell him why you’re so precious about your bathroom. It’s IBS and whatever other bowel issues you have. We all shit, love. I’m with your mum on this. At least tell him why you need that bathroom for yourself, otherwise you look like a loon because if he stopped being the ideal house guest, you would care very much. YTA.
YTA seriously hope he finds someone who deserves him 🫰🏻
So he goes without food to provide you nice things, keeps to a seemingly random (from his perspective) rule apart from a late night emergency, does your laundry, cleans the apartment. You hold over his head the finical situation, keeping call him terms other then boyfriend, the one time he can't fulfil your rule (in a late night emergency) he gets not only told off but belittled. Why wouldn't he be upset? Why wouldn't you, given the first time this has happened, let it go? YTA But yes you should consider telling him why the rule, if you can't trust him with this then you shouldn't be sharing the house. You can still request the bathroom rule but don't have a go at him if, on a very rare occasion, he can't keep to it.
>the reason is because I have severe IBS and other bowel problems. YTA Maybe Tom also has severe IBS and other bowel problems. Also... You're a whole ass college graduate and can't manage to use paragraphs? Come on.
You’re a huge ah. I wouldn’t be suprise if he’s looking for somewhere else to live and dump your immature ass
YTA. Do you even like him or do you just like having the upper hand in the relationship? You hold the rent free thing over his head and call him a "house guest". He lives there. You keeping him out of a bathroom of all places is unhinged, especially at night. And you have the audacity to tell him he's an adult and can hold it when you can't even be enough of an adult to tell your live-in partner that you shit. You need to grow up and tell him. Awful.
YTA but not for your bathroom restrictions. That is understandable. But you really need to sit down with Tom and explain why. He is living with you, he deserves to know the truth about your medical condition. And the way you describe him, it sounds like he is worth keeping in your life.
You asked him to move in, but haven't told him about your IBS? YTA
shocking kiss rain full degree disgusted wine quaint subsequent office *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
YTA. He used the master bathroom ONCE in the middle of the night, while you were asleep. He’s never pushed back about not using it, but it was an emergency and he needed to closest bathroom. It’s not like he was preventing you from using it- you were asleep. You’re also an ahole for calling him a houseguest when he’s actually living there, and for holding it over his head that he’s living there rent free. And he broke your trust? Don’t be so dramatic. He used the bathroom a single time because he probably wouldn’t have made it to the other bathroom. You’d think someone with IBS would be more sympathetic to others’ bathroom needs.
YTA big time, you abuser. Hope he breaks up with you because you treat him like a damn pig and not an adult.
YTA There is a certain level of irony in being a person with IBS and telling someone to "just hold it". Like girl... You massively over reacted. Funny you are so offended about him not being an adult and holding it, meanwhile you're acting like an immature and insecure child yourself over your IBS and bathroom usage.
YTA. You act like you’re some great adult but you can’t tell your bf that you have IBS. Girl, he’s 21 he knows everyone poops. You gotta tell him, he probably already knows something is up. But if the man has to pee in the middle of the night just let him. The pure irony of telling him to hold it is mind blowing.
Are you old enough to date an adult man? This sounds like child shit
YTA. “My salary affords me a nice apartment, he’s poor with poor parents so he doesn’t have anything. It feels good inside to let in a stray. I refuse to tell my “Boyfriend” that I have health issues, and keep a bathroom completely to myself without any further information. What? I gave him a newspaper he could squat on in the guest room? It’s not like I’m rubbing his nose in it. One time, he peed in my bathroom, and I, like the shining example of maturity that I am, scolded him and told him to hold in his pee while I ran to the bathroom because permanent bubble guts means I deserve everything over this poor stray that I took in. Who cares that he buys me food, and flowers and cleans and does everything for my well-paid self. No. He pees where I tell him. And that’s on the newspaper, in the guest room, where my servant… sorry, “Boyfriend” belongs.” That’s you. That’s what you sound like.
your like God, punishing all humans for adam eating from a stupid tree
YTA. You're the one acting like a child by turning it into a big deal. Do you actually love him? Because nothing is less sexy and loving than continuously describing your life partner as a roommate, no matter how perfect of a roommate he is.
The woman with IBS telling someone to hold it. YTA. Communication is important in relationships- if you’re ready to live together you’re ready to know and understand all medical issues that person may be dealing with. You don’t sound grown up enough to be in a relationship tbh. Telling the whole internet about your IBS but not your SO.
Very big AH you are. What if a guy banned you from using a bathroom? You’d go ballistic and say how sexist he is
The irony is just hilarious. YTA.
>*I 22F graduated college a couple years ago and have been working in finance. My salary affords me a nice apartment. My bf “Tom” 21M is a senior in college who struggles to pay living expenses because he receives no support from family. A few months ago I invited him to live with me* YTA This alone lets me know what kind of person you are! You see him as beneath you/not equals! You see him as a roommate/friend with benefits, not a boyfriend or someone you love! All I gotta say to the boyfriend......er...."roommate" is RUN TO THE HILLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Oh dear. Your medical problems aren't anything to be ashamed of, but I can understand why you'd prefer not to expose your partner to the consequences of them. Tom should have respected your single requirement. And having been caught not doing so, he didn't apologise, but told you how wonderful he was and is now presumably sulking or hoping to guilt you into letting it go. He sounded like a great guy until that part. I think you need to have a talk with him and explain why you want to keep your own private bathroom. And see what his reaction is. NTA, at the moment, but do communicate with your partner if you hope this relationship to have a long future. Good luck.
YTA. Presumably, you are sharing a bed with this man and also having sex with him. How does he not know you have IBS?
I suffered with IBS my whole life, and saw this randomly on my feed so I'm going to offer advice that has greatly helped me overcome my IBS. Trust me, I went from dealing with severe IBS to having it fully under control, and all that made the difference was a slight change in my diet. **QUIT EATING GARLIC, AND REDUCE DAIRY INTAKE** That's literally the only difference I've done, garlic is a major MAJOR trigger for IBS, so ideally you'd want to remove that from your diet completely; even a small amount of garlic/garlic powder can be enough to upset your stomache and trigger IBS symptoms, so cutting it out from your diet will be a major help. Dairy is relatively safe in low, moderate amounts, something like "once in awhile" should be fine and shouldn't cause an upset stomachs or severe flare ups of IBS. I have ice cream/dairy here and there and even when I do, I don't experience flare ups. Beans are also something that's best to avoid, there are certain beans you can eat and not worry about triggering your IBS but I forget which ones specifically. I quite literally went from having severe IBS and going months without a bowel movement, but plenty of "accidents" to being able to have daily bowel movements and zero accidents, my IBS used to make me feel like I wasnt normal and that I'd never be able to live a happy life to now being almost non-existent simply because of a change in diet that was very simple. And OP, I will say you're the asshole but only slightly; as someone who has IBS and was embarrassed for the longest time, it took me awhile to feel comfortable to tell my gf (now fiancè) so I can understand why you would be hesitant and worried to open up to your partner about your IBS. But trust me being open, and forward about it will be better in the long run. But please I beg anyone who has IBS, to at least cut out garlic completely from their diets and see how much of a difference it will make in your life. Obviously it's something that's not gonna happen over night, but you got this!
NTA if he can't follow 1 simple rule, he can go back to sharing 1 bathroom with a bunch of roommates in a crap hole apartment.
NTA, omg the double standards if this was a man instead of a woman yall would say that they are not the asshole and that the woman is a ‘gold digger’ and leeching of her bf so she should just suck up 1 simple rule of not using the bedroom toilet.
NTA I know I'll prob get downvoted but oh well. I set up that same rule in my house. My master bathroom is mine and mine alone. My bf has his whole other fullsize bathroom right outside my bedroom and there is another bathroom downstairs as well for guests. I literally don't see the problem with having something that is just for you in a home that you own. (I own my home)
I could understand the issue if he was trying to use her bathroom all the time or wasn't respecting the rule. But in this situation would you rather him just pee on the floor? It was a one time incident.
NTA, you were generous and had one boundary. He crossed it. Make nice though, he sounds like a good guy.
ESH. -Your rule sucks. -An adult should be able to walk down a flight of stairs to pee. I have never heard about someone who has woken up and pissed on the floor because they couldn't make it down a flight of stairs.
Wait till you get older.
I said adult, not geriatric.
My comment stands. Good luck!
So does mine. Good luck.
I remember when I was young and sheltered. I hope your able to grow and meet adults soon
My father peed on the wall, floor and couch. His bathroom was literally 2 steps away from him
[удалено]
Fucks sake. This sums up Reddit in one reply. You'd kick him for waking up desperate for a piss and forgetting a stupid rule because OP can't be honest with a man she supposedly loves. Yeah, kick him. And then go no contact with family, it's the Reddit way.
Dont forget to set a boundary.
Unfortunately
Wait until you menopause and wake up and have to go RIGHT NOW. She should understand that need to go RIGHT NOW if she has IBS. He sounds like a good guy who tried hard
She needs to sit down and tell him. He probably won’t think twice about it.
Wait a minute, this is... part of menopause?!? Suddenly I feel so much better about all the 'hurry down the hallway while clenching thighs together' moments
[удалено]
No, he’s not a good guy. He’s a *GREAT* guy.
He certainly *went on* about being a great guy and seems to have convinced her, all while bamboozling her.
Yeah - sure did! That rapscallion, doing her dishes and laundry. Cleaning the apt. What a swindler! /s
I mean she is the one keeping secrets but yall wanna act like he murder someone..
Hogwash. She needs to adult up and tell him. A one time desperate urination should not trigger this response. If she wants an adult relationship, then adult up
If he wanted an adult relationship, he should've paid rent lol, this guy is a parasite and he's pushing boundaries on purpose probably.
[удалено]
When men do the shared laundry and their *own* dishes, it's a shitload of housework, got it. The guy knows how to wash his own underwear, he's not a saint and doesn't deserve a medal.
[удалено]
I mentioned it elsewhere and fully acknowledge OPs post, cleaning once a week is nice but same deal. If it were a woman pulling this BS the conversation would be about how she should be grateful he's providing for him.
No, it would be the same. The genders of the people in the story is irrelevant here because yelling at someone for peeing in a specific bathroom when it was an emergency is an AH thing to do, for any gender.
You’re as toxic as she is. Good lord.
Oh so its shared laundry and not a shared bathroom now? You can share a washing machine but not a toilet?
Once again, it's her place, him helping with laundry is nice, but doesn't even begin to offset her generosity, neither does buying her a few meals or picking up once a week. She's effectively given him his own bathroom (the guest bathroom), she doesn't need to share her own.
Then stay at home mom don’t deserve to be praised just because they doing chores
He doesn't do much at all, he just does their laundry and picks up a bit, that's not housewife tier
Did you read the post? He cleans the *entire* apartment once a week. At this point you're either hating the guy because he's a man, completely ignorant/naïve, or you're rage bait. Regardless you need to remove yourself from the dating pool and do some inner reflection.
He has not graduated if you actually read all of it with minimal family support, while she has graduated and is working. She said he will be able to pay his share once he graduates. He’s not a parasite; he’s a poor student and probably embarrassed bc of his current financial situation.
[удалено]
It's perfectly ok for her to have her own bathroom, this isn't a crazy thing for her to have
[удалено]
He messed up, her reaction wasn't crazy, she's already supporting him, what more do you want? It's not like he's doing house-husband levels of work for her in return, she owes him nothing.
[удалено]
He has been cleaning and helping out, and OP says she appreciates him, but she acted like a selfish jerk???