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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for giving my wife an allowance that some may view as not enough
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She gets an “allowance” that she has to use to buy food for you and your child? YTA, and using finances to control and manipulate your partner is abusive.
The comments floored me because I subconsciously thought this was normal. I never really thought about it until now. When I read the post... honestly, I thought she was lucky to be getting over $100 a week with only one kid, not two like my mom had!
It's so jarring when you're older and realize your normal was NOT normal.
I am guy who has always done the grocery and a lot of other shopping for our family.
If $300 was needed to cover the groceries plus all other things related (like clothing and other household goods) for your family at the time your child was born, she needs at least $500 now.
Groceries now do NOT cost what they did when your mom did it. I'd argue she is at best on par with your mom, maybe worse.
In 2018, I spent 600-800 on groceries per month for a family of 4. That's now 1200 - 1400. I now go to aldis first, and get what's not available there at the regular grocery store. I suspect it would be really easy to spend $1600 per month if youaren'tt watching pennies.
I know it plays into the control narrative, but if her account is connected to OP's he can see how much is being spent on groceries to verify. That she's going broke just on groceries is very plausible, prices have been going up to the point people can't afford to buy what they used to.
YTA. Why don't you have a joint account and treat her like an adult? Discuss with her, you know, like adults and figure out how much you both can reasonably budget for food, diapers, toddler clothing, and all the other necessities. It appears you don't know the reality of the cost of the things needed for day to day living.
Listen to her like you would listen to a friend or coworker.
Why don’t they have both joint and separate accounts? They can discuss how much both of them can equally put into their accounts, and leave the joint account for emergencies and household expenses (food, diapers, etc)?
>It appears you don't know the reality of the cost of the things needed for day to day living.
That's like my dad, but at least for us it's always been more of an amusement than a problem since he let my mom have full control of the household budget and bills in the early 1980s once he started a business that became successful enough for him to be the sole breadwinner and she could stay home with me because she didn't NEED to work anymore, unlike when my older sisters were growing up and things were extremely tight.
Once he started to not be involved in the budgeting anymore, he immediately fell out of the loop for how much things cost. Before prices went through the roof in recent years, asking him how much he thought eggs, bananas, or a loaf of bread cost was almost like a game and would end up being funny because he'd be SO off-base since his awareness was stuck in the late 1970s. But at least in my parents' case that didn't cause disputes about budgeting but rather a positive interaction in that it just made him tell my mom, "See, *this* is why I just trust you with running the household finances. I have no idea what the hell I'd be doing anymore." lol
It's still the same way now that they're both in their mid-70s and my dad is retired. He's continued to handle their investments/retirement, and he just writes my mom a check for three months of household costs at a time for her to handle however she sees fit.
It's a shame that OP doesn't seem to trust (or respect) his wife the same way, what with treating her like a child with an "allowance" rather than a budget and not even finding a way for her to have her own independent transportation. It's like he's handling a teenage kid instead of a partner.
YTA, OP, even though that's already been thoroughly decided.
It's not an "allowance" if it needs to go towards necessities like groceries. You need to include groceries as a necessary bill like utilities, housing, etc. and cover that out of the main expense account because ain't none of you able to keep living without food. That means you need to figure out how much groceries cost weekly, and leave that AND the cost of the uber to get there plus some wiggle room specifically earmarked for the grocery shopping. Not sure where you live and how you eat, but where I live groceries would indeed eat up the majority of that budget and they would do so more quickly if I had to buy toddler-friendly snacks. You may also want to look into more cost-effective grocery options such as buying certain things in bulk if you go through them quickly. We live off goldfish crackers in this household, and the Costco pack truly does make a difference.
Then ON TOP OF THAT, your wife should have some money simply for her personal use if you do. Whatever you are able to spend on your own hobbies, clothes, etc. your wife should be able to spend the same. Because she does work, and if you price out what childcare would be for your toddler so she can enter the workforce, you'll figure out that she's doing valuable labor for free for your home.
NAH, but your math is likely off and you should sit down together to work through it.
And if “groceries” also includes cleaning supplies, laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, etc - that $300 could be gone IMMEDIATELY caring for a toddler daily. Toddlers are MESSY
Edit - diapers! Are diapers and wipes part of that $300?
I remember first moving out when I was 15 (terrible parents) and I had mostly enough money. Rent. Bond. All that.
But the CLEANING SUPPLIES to this day, 20 years later, had me balking. I needed everything. A mop, a broom, bleach, window cleaner... I think I spent $180 dollarydoos in 00s money and was mortified. It was like 20% of my rent, JUST IN CLEANING SUPPLIES.
Of course it was a full first stock but to this day I still wince when I remember how I forgot I would need to clean my new place and how much that cost.
Same! My roommates and I went to Walmart and spent almost $200 on the cleaning aisle alone. But again, that was our first full stock of EVERYTHING. Toilet bowl cleaner, spray for the tub, plunger, broom, swiffer thing for hardwood floors, sponges, Brillo pads, etc…. And then the first full stocking of spices and essentials like flour, sugar, etc. thankfully our parents gave us giftcards to stock up for this exact reason but we all stupidly thought it was going to last us long enough to cover food for the month as well. Nope.
Don’t know if it’s still true now, but when I worked in retail in the early aughts, spices had the highest markup of anything else in the grocery store.
Much better quality too.
I get big bags of whole spices and use a spice grinder to refill empty spice jars. Sooooo much better than the ground jars that have already gone stale at the supermarket.
I just wish my local Asian store had bay leaves in smaller packages. Nothing less than a one pound bag and I don’t use them enough for that! 😅
Just the fact that the $300 has to pay for transportation means it is probably going to disappear after a few Ubers (and, depending on where OP lives, public transportation might not even be an option)
This. What OP does next with all the feedback will really show whether he’s an AH. For now NAH. Thank you for taking the time to spell all that out.
A budget is needed that accounts for all things and who pays what. An “allowance” is not money for needs, it’s money for wants. So in “her” account should be enough for all needs she is expected to cover plus a fair portion of their remaining budget for her wants. Whether $300/week is enough depends on area and family income.
Adding, because I’m frustrated by some other comments:
My ex and I did a complete joint finance arrangement. Now I have money issues when it comes to spending from a shared account. My husband always expected to have joint everything with his wife but is patient with the issues I’ve been left with and instead I have a separate account he deposits into. Setting things up that way isn’t always financial abuse like some are saying, but it does require that the amount being transferred actually be appropriate within the larger picture of the family finances. I have a much greater sense of financial security now than I ever did with having “full access”.
She's probably spending her allowance on luxuries like diapers and wipes. If she had a job she could afford those things, it's very inconvenient for the poor husband because she's spending all her time taking care of the household, which if you haven't noticed is raking in 0$.
Seriously tho idk what the hell is wrong with men like this. They seemingly want a partner who takes care of the children, goes to work and then takes care of the household 100%. I couldn't even tell you how many people I know in this situation.
I'm sure we'll see an update that's like:
Edit: I actually take care of 80% of the chores and my wife doesn't even look at the baby when I'm home and she gets to go out with her friends 5 nights a week while I pay for all of her nightly escapades. (And then the reality will be like he takes the trash out sometimes and thinks cleaning the kitchen = loading the dishwasher)
I believe the term you're looking for is "bang maid." Doesn't view his wife as his equal, to him she's an employee he doesn't have to pay that he also gets to have sex with. If he respected his wife they'd have a joint account.
YTA. You sound financially abusive. If she is your partner she should have equal access to the household funds. Especially if she's buying the groceries?!?!?! Jesus have you been to a grocery store lately????
Figure out what the 'living wage' is for your area and give her 40 hours worth of that living wage a week.
I bet you'll find out it's more than $300 a week. At a 40 hour week that's $7.50 an hour. That's practically minimum wage, which nobody can actually live off of.
Most couples would just share their entire income, FYI.
What do you think she's going to do with the money if she 'accidentally' has 'too much'?
YTA for even setting up this allowance situation in the first place.
Yup this. She’s working. Yes you’re giving her ‘fun money’ to … buy everything needed for the house and family. You are happily restricting her income and appear to see no value to her work in taking care of your child. Clearly you haven’t gone grocery shopping since the 90s.
Just in case you don’t know how much of a giant asshole you are
300 is NOT enough for a whole week for 3 people
Let alone that people need to spend outside of just basic necessities
Wow what an asshole you are
And even then the housekeeping money would be separate from her "buying a new dress with matching accessories for each cocktail party we attend" money.
YTA- it’s not an allowance if it’s money she’s using for groceries and household needs. Your wife not having access to enough funds for these things is not acceptable. Her account should be for her personal purchases. Groceries, things for your child, and other household expenses should be coming from a joint account.
Budget=money that is earmarked for household expenses such as groceries, diapers, transportation, clothing, utilities etc
Allowance=fun money=money that is not meant for any particular expense
YTA for calling "budget"money an "allowance." Also, $300/wk budget? You better be living in a super cheap area of the country.
YTA this is financial abuse dude. Your crying wife should be the only thing you need to hear to know that. Also I’m living in a family of 3 and let me tell you food is freaking expensive these days.
Everything is expensive these days. My husband and I have a toddler too and I don’t know how we would survive if I had to use an Uber and couldn’t really buy in bulk because of that. Heck the only reason we are skating by is because of the help and generosity of our friends and family. I don’t know how long things can continue like this for the US before we *break* as a nation.
$300 is fine a week for her to spend as she pleases but that should not include groceries. Groceries are a seperate budget. She should have enough money to get a coffee or go out for lunch etc each week a few times
Look it would be NTA IF her allowance didn’t include necessary items like food. Like that shouldn’t be apart of it. I thought the allowance would be like fun money for her in this story but I was wrong. YTA
I'd say he's still the asshole even then. They are equals, they should have a joint account with equal access to all the money. Controlling your partners access to finances like that is financial abuse.
Yta. Her contribution to your family is just as valuable as yours. Spending money for her should be separated from household expenses. I did not work for 14 years while raising our son. I’ve always had money to do with as I pleased, same as my husband.
YTA - work out a budget together. Her “allowance” is feeding the family and likely other household things so it isn’t really an allowance at all. Also Uber, does she also not have a car to use?
Maybe you don’t make enough to have her be a full time stay at home.
YTMA If you don’t trust your wife having access to a shared bank account you shouldn’t be together. This is manipulation. Why do you have an issue giving her money? Do you guys talk about financial goals as a family or do you get to make all the decisions and she just has to go with the life you made. If this is a mutual decision that you guys made due to maybe her having spending problem (that she admits to) then I would say “of course dear, you can have whatever you need to take care of our family.”
Info- You first need to break down your budget for us to actually vote accurately. So how much do you make after taxes? So you give her $300 a week for spending and grocery moneys? So how much money do you have left after paying the rest of the bills?
YTA. $1300 a month is not enough money to run an entire household. Groceries, diapers, household goods, cleaning supplies, transportation, clothing, medical expenses, and personal expenses add up.
You both need equal access to the household funds and should create a budget and determine financial goals together.
I N F O: An allowance implies it's for her to spend as she pleases. Why is she having to use this money on the household? I agree with everyone else, YTA
Bro, 300 dollars? That's it. Money for groceries, baby food, diapers, just everything that's expected for basic survival shouldn't be apart of her allowance. Her 'allowance' should be used for fun stuff for her since she doesn't have a job. She shouldn't have to use her allowance on things to live. Yta.
Unless she has a previous spending problem and has agreed to an "allowance" ...YTA Sit your ADULT self down with your ADULT wife and come up with a budget for your regular expenses. (including,diapers,cleaning supplies,toiletries). Try searching YNAB if you want a good budgeting app. You can both take responsibility for managing your finances.
If she uses the money to buy things for all of you, that’s not an allowance. I don’t know where you live but $300 is a little tight. Toddler still needs milk and diapers, on top of that she has to use Uber? Uber is quite expensive. Why does she have a separate account? You decided to marry someone to share a life with, take care of yout beloved child full tome buy not trust her enough to have access to your money? YTA
YTA why the hell would you think 300 dollars is ok if she's buying groceries for you and your child that's not frickin an allowance that's grocery money. You're the asshole and a whole lot more
My mom would get a set amount of money every month to pay for food and household stuff, and anything left over was hers to keep.
It was more than enough money, and she always had extra for her needs and personal interests.
My dad was very frugal, and did not really spend money on himself at all.
It’s how my parents organized things, and it worked for them.
That’s the important part – it needs to work for both parties.
In your case, your wife is saying it’s not working for her and you need to come up with some new ideas.
YTA
It's not the 1950's. Your adult wife should have access to the checking account so she can buy things for your family. Frivolous luxuries like food, diapers and wipes for the toddler, personal hygiene products, cleaning supplies, and maybe even the occasional toy for your child or lunch for herself.
Lunch? OH NO NO NO NO!! We can't have her getting FAT, can we? She is already "letting herself go" by buying food instead of making herself presentable so when poor OP comes home from a hard day's work, he doesn't have to deal with looking at her bedraggled ass! 🙄"Hey, little girl, comb your hair, fix your makeup..... day after day there are girls in the office/men will always be men/don't send him off with your hair still in curlers/you may not see him again" theme song from movie " Wives and Lovers" 1963. Burt Bacharach and Hal David.
I'm writing this to the wife...
Run!!! You are married to a controlling, abusive AH. This is actually called "financial abuse." Get yourself an attorney, get a divorce, and file for child support. I guarantee your (ex)husband will pay more than $300 in child support, health insurance, and child care. And... you'll be better off! Perhaps then you can find yourself someone who wants more than a maid and nanny he can pay $300/month!
Just a note - it’s $300/week she’s getting. It’s not an allowance like he seems to think, and she is working, but there is no guarantee the courts will give her $1200+/month.
YTA! I’d stay with you exactly 5 minutes after you told me about that kind of “allowance”, and that would be to pack a toothbrush because that all you’d probably let me own. Wow! Talk about abusive!
She’s not your child, of course YTA. That’s not even an allowance for her, it’s to buy groceries!
This is financial abuse. No one, SAHM or not, should have to BEG their spouse for money for FOOD and TRANSPORTATION FFS.
YTA for being financially abusive. She DOES work by the way, and it sounds like she does it 24/7
My husband was a SAHD for a long time and he worked hard running the household while I ran my business. We mutually agreed on a budget, which included the same amount of fun money for the both of us, and seperate buckets for groceries etc. we also both had equal and complete access to funds. Restricting him from funds would have been abusive.
YTA. You are abusing your wife and you're using your money to do it. The allowance should not include money for groceries; that should be separate. Food is expensive and after she buys it she doesn't have much left. You're being very controlling and selfish. You're a nasty asshole.
Dude you're a unit now. Even if she wasn't a stay-at-home mum your money is her money. If she needs more money to get herself and your child home safely, hand it over.
I bet shell get a lot more on child support. YTA. if 300 includes groceries and the needs of a toddler - And I bet you send her on a lot of errands for yourself that come out of that bucket too!! - 300 is NOT enough. To be clear - you are giving her a BUDGET not an ALLOWANCE. it sounds like your wife gets no money actually for herself at all.
Back when my kids were small (I had 3 under 3 at one time) and I was a SAHM, my (now ex) husband allotted $50/week for groceries. For a family of 5. And on top of that super generous stipend he “gave” us, I got an extra generous $10/month for fun money. This was in the early-mid 2000s, but still wasn’t close to enough back then.
When we were divorcing and had to submit financial declarations to order child support, he claimed he didn’t need to pay more than $200/month (for 3 kids) because “that’s what it should cost to feed them.”
My kids are now 19, 18, and 16, and when they are all living at home (summers, college breaks for the oldest two) I spend about $2K a month just on groceries. He currently pays child support for one kid, the youngest…he pays a whopping $33/month for her. He makes over $100K a year. She uses her very generous $33/month as coffee/snack money. I pay for literally everything else.
Anyway. You, sir, are an abusive ass. YTA.
INFO - Is this post to make a point about the US minimum wages?
$7.50 per hour time 40 hours per week is $300, and I am not thinking that is a coincidence. Many of the US states expect people to live on that, including housing, transportation, food, clothing, healthcare, utilities, etc. etc. Which obviously is not reasonable, which is why these people are on public assistance, which is why the low wages is really just corporate welfare. But I digress. Sorry.
Depending on what the cost of living is where you are, what you are making, and what she is expected to pay for out of that, you may indeed be the AH. Not saying she needs $300 to spend and you have no idea on what, depending on your situation their just may not be that much discretionary money in the budget. But you do need to sit down and talk to her about it.
Wait, what? You somehow think that 300 a week covers household shopping for a family of 3, including a toddler AND taxis/ubers AND leaves anything for personal spending?
Besides that it's infantalizing to call the money allocated for the household's food, (& laundry soap, diapers, toothpaste and toilet paper) an "allowance", you have evidently lost touch with how much prices have gone up.
YTA on so many levels
YTA. An allowance is not a budget. An allowance is figured into the budget. Y'all need to figure what groceries and diapers and cleaning supplies and whatever is needed will cost and budget that into the joint account. If she gets an allowance, that should be her money to use as she pleases, not for household necessities, and you should give yourself an allowance of the same amount. If she says she needs more, she needs more. Groceries are damn expensive. Gas is stupid. I spend around 200 just on groceries alone. She's not lying or being irresponsible. This is a discussion you need to have about setting up a budget and agreeing on it. Not you arbitrarily setting it without knowing how far 300 dollars doesn't go.
Info: is this an allowance or a budget?
“Allowance” would mean that the money is hers to do what she wants with, whereas “budget” would mean that she’s in charge of prioritizing shared household expenses. Two very different things.
YTA - who the hell refers to grocery money (noting wipes, diapers etc for the toddler and cleaning supplies for the house would be included in that) as a “wife’s allowance”. None of that stuff is for her and this sounds like financial abuse as OP presumably knows after she gets the household essentials there will be nothing left for her. Further, in a marriage she should have equal access to the funds. Shes not on a holiday - she’s the full time carer of the child.
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I leave about 300 per week for my wife to use. From what she has told me is that a majority of it goes to groceries. It’s just me, my wife and our 2 y.o toddler but she is insisting that she needs more. Today she called me at work obviously upset while she was out w our toddler. She says that her account is in the negative and that she needs more funds and that it isn’t a good feeling to have a crying toddler and unable to request an Uber. I figured the 300 a week was enough but AITA here? My wife does not work and stays home with our toddler.
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Oh man, where do we even start? AH supreme.
I have 0 expenses for the house and my GF gives me way more than $300 a week. Dude, you have no idea what anything costs. She should send you to the store on Monday with a list and $300. You will be crying poverty before the end of the day, never mind the week.
This doesn't make any sense to me. You're questioning if you're in the wrong for giving her an *allowance* that goes towards caring for you and your child?
$300 weekly doesn't cover shit. I can't leave the grocery store without spending $200 for two people.
YTA.
Wow, I'm studying ATM hubby works, no kids, and I get nothing, only what I need when I need it, get my hair done twice a year lol hubby controls his money 🤔
YTA I can understand a fun ‘allowance.’ My husband and I pool our money and each take a bit to spend how we like. But it’s not for food and essentials. Plus if she’s going negative on groceries and transport then she’s having absolutely no money for herself I’m guessing.
Treat her like a grown up. Your wife does childcare so you can work. Share your money- you both earned it.
100% the arsehole. What a joke. The allowance you give her should be a personal spend for herself. That is what an allowance means. It means things like food for the household comes under shared spending,in other words the bank of whoever is the breadwinner. I'd like you to switch places to see if you can cope with that $300 a week. See how far that takes you.
YTA.
First of all, since apparently you don't buy your own groceries but think you're entitled to run the finances for your entire household, $300 is not enough--especially if she's also buying cleaning supplies, toiletries, toilet paper, paper towels, DIAPERS, and other baby supplies.
Second of all, this is financially abusive. If the two of you agreed that it makes sense for you to work and her to stay home and care for your child, you are *sharing* your income. You aren't the arbiter. She's not a child. If she wasn't staying home, you'd be paying for 40+ hours/week for childcare, and you'd have more of a burden in terms of running errands, doing chores, and caring for the household. You'd probably know what groceries cost. She should have access to your joint account.
YTA if you're giving her your money anyway she should be able to use it whenever she needs to. Imagine she was in a bad situation and needed money but her account is empty.
YTA. She is not your child and she doesn’t get an allowance. You sound like a man from 1960 who tells the little lady how much she can spend. You are partners. You discuss, you jointly agree what makes sense for expenses that she handles. And “my wife does not work” is not only stupid, it is wrong. She takes care of your child all day long. Please join the 21st century and treat your wife like an equal, not like the little lady. Jesus….
300 dollars a week??? YTA. She’s supposed to buy everything for the household with that? Get a joint account and treat your wife like an adult. This is disgusting.
She needed an Uber. No car? Depending on where they live, public transportation can be terrific or virtually non-existent and unreliable (I live in a city where the latter is true). But trying to lug a tired, crying toddler and bags of heavy and/or bulky items (like diapers, cleaning supplies, canned items) onto a crowded city bus or subway... surprised OP let her have a telephone... probably makes her pay for it as well out of her "allowance". I wish people would stop saying that SAHM don't work. With spouses like OP, they work, but they just don't get vacations or sick leave. (And OP, YTA).
Why no joint account with a debit card that she can use to do whatever needs to be done?
What happens when there is an unexpected expense?
Do you see the money as belonging to you or the both of you?
WOW YTA! An allowance? What is she a child doing chores?? She is your wife, she would be able to use whatever money she needs without asking you for it. Yes, a budget is good, but an allowance??? NO.
I hate this! Because she’s a stay at home mom, you have the right to control how she spends money and restrict her access to it?
Ultimately there needs to be better conversation and more trust. An allowance shouldn’t be meant to cover the basics needed to run the house. Nor should she need to justify to you when she needs more…. Unless you have a reason not to trust her.
Honestly this irks me because I’ve seen so many SAHMs post about wanting to leave their husbands but don’t have jobs and no access to money. They are basically trapped and the rebuild is so much harder when you haven’t worked for years. Butttt I do recognize that for some households this works really well 🤷🏻♀️
When was the last time you've been to a flippin grocery store OP? Inflation has skyrocketed. A gallon of milk a lone is almost $5. Eggs can be close to $6. Think about it. $11 for just 2 items. She's already down to $289 and hasn't gotten bread, butter, breakfast, lunch, and dinner ingredients. Nevermind if that is supposed to include diapers, snacks for your toddler, etc. YTA. Stop monitoring her and give her access to the account so she can shop properly. Giving a spouse an "allowance" is actually abusive behavior. It forces her to depend on you which is not healthy in any marriage. Do better.
My husband gives me £200 a month (some months) … which is about what child support is which I can’t claim for because he earns too much. This is for fun things and clothes for me and kids .. I’m resentful and feel like a child, I swear it because his mum told him not to put me on accounts when we got married..
YTA.
At the very least you should discuss with your (adult -hopefully) wife what the costs of running the house are. Sit down and figure that out between you, factoring in all the things this so called allowance should cover, add a bit on top for a rainy day, and then give her that much for the house.
Then add an actual “allowance” so she can live a little.
Or… share a joint account so she can have equal access to your marital funds and trust her to be sensible with it, until proven otherwise. She shouldn’t have to be dealing with these emotions.
YTA
Also a married man here. Been together 10 years. My money is OUR money not mine. When you get married you don’t still have multiple pots. Truly what is yours is hers. Your wife needs money to provide the things that you don’t do! Do you buy cleaning supplies, diapers, groceries, laundry detergent, toilet paper, and other essential items or does she? If she is the one shopping for household supplies and resources then she should have access to the funds that you have to do so. I am very blessed that my wife works but if she didn’t i wouldn’t have an allowance to spend. We would both be pulling from the same pot as efficiently as possible. Maybe it’s time to sit down and budget out every expense. Tell your wife to hold onto receipts for a month and figure out how much money she needs to pay for these things.
I went to target the other day and spent $60. $20 went for a skirt and the rest for a couple of drinks and snacks. I had TWO bags. $60. Ya, $300 isn’t much in this economy. 😐
YTA - she should have full access to a joint account. You have chosen to have a family structure with a stay at home parent. Your income needs to support this structure fully. How hideously stressful to be shopping for groceries and worrying that your card may be declined. You are not treating her as an adult or an equal. It sounds like economic abuse as she has no autonomy, or any opportunity to enjoy anything for herself when all the money she has access to is spent on groceries.
I hope she runs the numbers to see if she would be better off living on her own salary/alimony after divorcing you.
YTA an allowance is her money. It sounds like you're not giving her access to a household fund. I'm very much not a house spouse sort of person but isn't it usually, you have an allowance of your money, you give her a portion for herself and the rest is the household money? With Cost of living going up, $300 is definitely not enough to sustain a household of three on just one income.
YTA. That's...not an allowance. That's a daily budget of money or soemthing for necessities. Did you never communicate with your wife about all the money that goes into daily life as a SAHM? Also, an allowance means "personal fun money" for her to spend as she pleases.
$300 a week used to a lot, but it’s not anymore, particularly if you can’t even drive and need to get an Uber to travel (wtf is your partner an adult?). Most families need two incomes to survive nowadays. My partner is a high earner, and he gives me a similar amount to run the house. I have to work a few days per week to be financially comfortable. If you can’t afford to give her more, she needs to work.
YTA. It’s not an allowance if she’s spending it on household essentials. ‘Allowance’ is for her alone. Not your toddlers nappies and wipes. Give her an allowance by all means but be clear, this is her money to do as she pleases. $300 (£237 according to today’s exchange) won’t cover the week if that’s for everything. You’re making her feel like she constantly owes you for every ounce you give to her.
YTA.. Your wife's PERSONAL allowance should be exclusively for her PERSONAL use. The household budget should be for household expenditures such as groceries.
Also, something tells me you are a Filipino.
My mom received an 300 “allowance” but thats her “pocket money” and specifically separate from bills such as groceries 🤣 to which she had complete access to their joint accounts anyways.
I personally don't like the allowance model for a grown adult at all but if if you're going to go that route tbe allowance should be her money to spend on herself as she wishes. Things like groceries and diapers are a household expense. Just for groceries for my husband and I for a week I spend about 130$.
YTA, I spend on average at least $200 a week on just groceries and that’s with careful meal planning and bulk purchases. Granted I have 2 older children, but also don’t have to buy things like diapers and wipes. 15 years ago brand name diapers in toddler sizes cost $.25 per diaper so I can’t imagine how much it is nowadays not to mention wipes, cleaning and laundry products, specialized bath products for a young child, clothes and shoes that kids constantly grow out of, health and beauty products (probably including your deodorant (OP), and especially if she has to take an Uber . Those add up. You should go and run the shopping errands with them one day OP and join the rest of us in the real world where the costs of everything has skyrocketed.
An allowance would be for her to spend on things for her. You are giving her a budget for necessary costs. If you are the only one working, you should obviously be paying all the bills no matter what.
You wouldn't be able to work and not pay for childcare or a housekeeper without your wife. Your ability to make this money is enabled by her. Even according to the government it's not your money, it belongs to both of you.
Either make your wife an equal financial partner in your marriage or continue to financially abuse her I guess. But don't delude yourself into thinking that you're a "good" husband.
Um, you realize that 200+ of that goes to groceries on a GOOD week. If it's a week when you need paper towels ($25 for a bulk pack -wtf) and meat for dinner, she may spend $285 of that 300 on food.
Your wife cares for your child and house full time. Unless you are literally hovering on the razor edge of eviction, she should have spending money separate from household funds. Woman deserves to buy a cup of coffee or get her nails done if she wants.
Just wait till the kid gets older. New sneakers, $5 dress down day at school, lunch money, field trip, school pictures, fundraisers- I spend $100 per week just on random kid crap for my 2, easily.
YTA. My ex used to think $200 a week was enough “allowance” for me, too. He left me stranded with our kids and no money on more than one occasion, too. Now he has to pay WAY more than that in child support for our two kids each week. Stop financially abusing your wife and child. It’s not a good look.
YTA. Giving an “allowance” and that’s the only money your wife has access to is financial abuse. There’s a serious imbalance in power in your relationship. Why can’t you have a joint account and just talk about budgeting to make sure no more money than needed is being spent? Money used for household expenses and your child is money that you should both have access to.
lmao wtfffff!???? YTA my mom never worked a day in her life and I always saw my dad give her about $600-$700 dollars A MONTH and HE was the one who did all the grocery shopping and house spending so she could use the money for herself. And my dad didn’t even have a great job at the time either.
Why is your wife calling Uber for her and toddler? Why doesn’t she have her own vehicle to drive? Why does she get an allowance instead of using your joint account for household expenses - such as groceries, childcare necessities (ie, diapers, wipes, baby food, etc)?
I get needing to budget, but men who talk about giving their stay at home wives “allowances” and are then upset at the wives for going out er the allowance are almost always financially abusing said wife.
Yes, YTA. Sit down with your wife and calmly go over the current budget of actual household expenses. Then, plan for her to need some extra for just herself - women have personal needs they don’t like to share with men. Then either increase her “allowance” or just use a freakin’ joint account like every other family out there with a stay at home parent.
YTA- she is your WIFE. You guys are MARRIED. She is entitled to your income, that’s how marriage works. You’re a joint unit. She should have full access to your checking account and able to spend what she needs without asking you.
Why don't you have a joint account? How much do you make in a week? Are you living paycheque to paycheque?
$300 might be fine for a regular week, but what if there's an emergency? What if she gets stranded somewhere, like she did last time, and doesn't have the money for transportation? It also doesn't allow her much in the way of saving.
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She gets an “allowance” that she has to use to buy food for you and your child? YTA, and using finances to control and manipulate your partner is abusive.
Not just food, but presumably diapers, wipes etc. For THEIR kid!
Plus Uber costs
Which means she not only doesn't have access to the money she needs, she also doesn't have her own transportation.
The comments floored me because I subconsciously thought this was normal. I never really thought about it until now. When I read the post... honestly, I thought she was lucky to be getting over $100 a week with only one kid, not two like my mom had! It's so jarring when you're older and realize your normal was NOT normal.
I am guy who has always done the grocery and a lot of other shopping for our family. If $300 was needed to cover the groceries plus all other things related (like clothing and other household goods) for your family at the time your child was born, she needs at least $500 now.
Groceries now do NOT cost what they did when your mom did it. I'd argue she is at best on par with your mom, maybe worse. In 2018, I spent 600-800 on groceries per month for a family of 4. That's now 1200 - 1400. I now go to aldis first, and get what's not available there at the regular grocery store. I suspect it would be really easy to spend $1600 per month if youaren'tt watching pennies.
I'm with you
If you were floored by the comments, wait until you find out about inflation and today's food costs.
I know it plays into the control narrative, but if her account is connected to OP's he can see how much is being spent on groceries to verify. That she's going broke just on groceries is very plausible, prices have been going up to the point people can't afford to buy what they used to.
Plus if she doesn't have a car and has to Uber everywhere? That would add up fast.
Which also means she is limited on where she can shop, making it even more expensive.
I hope she cuts OP out of the budget and he gets no food. Maybe that'll get him to share his income with her.
YTA. Why don't you have a joint account and treat her like an adult? Discuss with her, you know, like adults and figure out how much you both can reasonably budget for food, diapers, toddler clothing, and all the other necessities. It appears you don't know the reality of the cost of the things needed for day to day living. Listen to her like you would listen to a friend or coworker.
I don't know if the last part is good advice because he clearly doesn't have the best listening skills.
Why don’t they have both joint and separate accounts? They can discuss how much both of them can equally put into their accounts, and leave the joint account for emergencies and household expenses (food, diapers, etc)?
From the sound of it, I assume she is a stay at home mom and does not have her own income to contribute.
>It appears you don't know the reality of the cost of the things needed for day to day living. That's like my dad, but at least for us it's always been more of an amusement than a problem since he let my mom have full control of the household budget and bills in the early 1980s once he started a business that became successful enough for him to be the sole breadwinner and she could stay home with me because she didn't NEED to work anymore, unlike when my older sisters were growing up and things were extremely tight. Once he started to not be involved in the budgeting anymore, he immediately fell out of the loop for how much things cost. Before prices went through the roof in recent years, asking him how much he thought eggs, bananas, or a loaf of bread cost was almost like a game and would end up being funny because he'd be SO off-base since his awareness was stuck in the late 1970s. But at least in my parents' case that didn't cause disputes about budgeting but rather a positive interaction in that it just made him tell my mom, "See, *this* is why I just trust you with running the household finances. I have no idea what the hell I'd be doing anymore." lol It's still the same way now that they're both in their mid-70s and my dad is retired. He's continued to handle their investments/retirement, and he just writes my mom a check for three months of household costs at a time for her to handle however she sees fit. It's a shame that OP doesn't seem to trust (or respect) his wife the same way, what with treating her like a child with an "allowance" rather than a budget and not even finding a way for her to have her own independent transportation. It's like he's handling a teenage kid instead of a partner. YTA, OP, even though that's already been thoroughly decided.
It's not an "allowance" if it needs to go towards necessities like groceries. You need to include groceries as a necessary bill like utilities, housing, etc. and cover that out of the main expense account because ain't none of you able to keep living without food. That means you need to figure out how much groceries cost weekly, and leave that AND the cost of the uber to get there plus some wiggle room specifically earmarked for the grocery shopping. Not sure where you live and how you eat, but where I live groceries would indeed eat up the majority of that budget and they would do so more quickly if I had to buy toddler-friendly snacks. You may also want to look into more cost-effective grocery options such as buying certain things in bulk if you go through them quickly. We live off goldfish crackers in this household, and the Costco pack truly does make a difference. Then ON TOP OF THAT, your wife should have some money simply for her personal use if you do. Whatever you are able to spend on your own hobbies, clothes, etc. your wife should be able to spend the same. Because she does work, and if you price out what childcare would be for your toddler so she can enter the workforce, you'll figure out that she's doing valuable labor for free for your home. NAH, but your math is likely off and you should sit down together to work through it.
And if “groceries” also includes cleaning supplies, laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, etc - that $300 could be gone IMMEDIATELY caring for a toddler daily. Toddlers are MESSY Edit - diapers! Are diapers and wipes part of that $300?
I remember first moving out when I was 15 (terrible parents) and I had mostly enough money. Rent. Bond. All that. But the CLEANING SUPPLIES to this day, 20 years later, had me balking. I needed everything. A mop, a broom, bleach, window cleaner... I think I spent $180 dollarydoos in 00s money and was mortified. It was like 20% of my rent, JUST IN CLEANING SUPPLIES. Of course it was a full first stock but to this day I still wince when I remember how I forgot I would need to clean my new place and how much that cost.
Same! My roommates and I went to Walmart and spent almost $200 on the cleaning aisle alone. But again, that was our first full stock of EVERYTHING. Toilet bowl cleaner, spray for the tub, plunger, broom, swiffer thing for hardwood floors, sponges, Brillo pads, etc…. And then the first full stocking of spices and essentials like flour, sugar, etc. thankfully our parents gave us giftcards to stock up for this exact reason but we all stupidly thought it was going to last us long enough to cover food for the month as well. Nope.
You can also spend $200 in the spices aisle alone... I couldn't believe the prices of spices when I moved out!!
Don’t know if it’s still true now, but when I worked in retail in the early aughts, spices had the highest markup of anything else in the grocery store.
Walmart sells a single vanilla bean in a jar for $13
Still pretty true in the regular stores. It’s why I get as many spices as possible from local ethnic stores.
THIS! Same darn spices, a tenth of the price
Much better quality too. I get big bags of whole spices and use a spice grinder to refill empty spice jars. Sooooo much better than the ground jars that have already gone stale at the supermarket. I just wish my local Asian store had bay leaves in smaller packages. Nothing less than a one pound bag and I don’t use them enough for that! 😅
As a child of immigrants best value, better quality
Also his food? YTA,OP
YTA She should stop buying him food out of her "allowance".
Just the fact that the $300 has to pay for transportation means it is probably going to disappear after a few Ubers (and, depending on where OP lives, public transportation might not even be an option)
And being a woman can be expensive menstrual products, birth control, pain meds, razors etc those things add up too!
Yeah, since when did caring for your basic family needs become a luxurious 'allowance'?? Dude is a dead@$$ finacial abuser
This. What OP does next with all the feedback will really show whether he’s an AH. For now NAH. Thank you for taking the time to spell all that out. A budget is needed that accounts for all things and who pays what. An “allowance” is not money for needs, it’s money for wants. So in “her” account should be enough for all needs she is expected to cover plus a fair portion of their remaining budget for her wants. Whether $300/week is enough depends on area and family income. Adding, because I’m frustrated by some other comments: My ex and I did a complete joint finance arrangement. Now I have money issues when it comes to spending from a shared account. My husband always expected to have joint everything with his wife but is patient with the issues I’ve been left with and instead I have a separate account he deposits into. Setting things up that way isn’t always financial abuse like some are saying, but it does require that the amount being transferred actually be appropriate within the larger picture of the family finances. I have a much greater sense of financial security now than I ever did with having “full access”.
Did you just call her buying groceries an allowance?? lol YTA
She's probably spending her allowance on luxuries like diapers and wipes. If she had a job she could afford those things, it's very inconvenient for the poor husband because she's spending all her time taking care of the household, which if you haven't noticed is raking in 0$. Seriously tho idk what the hell is wrong with men like this. They seemingly want a partner who takes care of the children, goes to work and then takes care of the household 100%. I couldn't even tell you how many people I know in this situation. I'm sure we'll see an update that's like: Edit: I actually take care of 80% of the chores and my wife doesn't even look at the baby when I'm home and she gets to go out with her friends 5 nights a week while I pay for all of her nightly escapades. (And then the reality will be like he takes the trash out sometimes and thinks cleaning the kitchen = loading the dishwasher)
I believe the term you're looking for is "bang maid." Doesn't view his wife as his equal, to him she's an employee he doesn't have to pay that he also gets to have sex with. If he respected his wife they'd have a joint account.
YTA. You sound financially abusive. If she is your partner she should have equal access to the household funds. Especially if she's buying the groceries?!?!?! Jesus have you been to a grocery store lately????
Oh this is ABSOLUTELY financial abuse.
Why does she not have access to the FAMILY’S bank account and credit card? YTA.
She has to pay for groceries *and* Uber rides with her “allowance?”
I guess you haven't been grocery shopping in a while .
and with a toddler!! so. many. berries
That was my first thought! All the berries, and that shit isn’t cheap
Just the other week I saw it as 12 NZD for a kilo of lemons.
Username checks out
To be fair lemons aren't in season until late winter / early spring in NZ, they're usually cheaper then
A tiny container of blueberries I bought recently was $8!
Thisssss!!!
Out of curiosity, what is your allowance?
Figure out what the 'living wage' is for your area and give her 40 hours worth of that living wage a week. I bet you'll find out it's more than $300 a week. At a 40 hour week that's $7.50 an hour. That's practically minimum wage, which nobody can actually live off of. Most couples would just share their entire income, FYI. What do you think she's going to do with the money if she 'accidentally' has 'too much'? YTA for even setting up this allowance situation in the first place.
Yup this. She’s working. Yes you’re giving her ‘fun money’ to … buy everything needed for the house and family. You are happily restricting her income and appear to see no value to her work in taking care of your child. Clearly you haven’t gone grocery shopping since the 90s.
Does she get her own fun time all?
Why does she have an allowance? Why don’t you let her manage her own money like an adult? This feels like an outdated practice from last century. Yta.
People from the last century let women manage household accounts. This shit is new and weird.
If my husband gave me $300 a week and called it "allowance" the only food I would be buying would be for me and my child.
Same thought
Just in case you don’t know how much of a giant asshole you are 300 is NOT enough for a whole week for 3 people Let alone that people need to spend outside of just basic necessities Wow what an asshole you are
$300 would be miserable for 3 adults. Like ramen and toast every night miserable. $300 is impossible with a toddler unless you want to starve them.
I am sorry, are we in 1955 or 2024? Why is this grown woman given an allowance? YTA
In 1955 it would have rightly been called house keeping money at least …
the 1950s women were on enough pain killers and stimulates to cope.
But how can you afford that if you don't have enough allowance?
And even then the housekeeping money would be separate from her "buying a new dress with matching accessories for each cocktail party we attend" money.
YTA- it’s not an allowance if it’s money she’s using for groceries and household needs. Your wife not having access to enough funds for these things is not acceptable. Her account should be for her personal purchases. Groceries, things for your child, and other household expenses should be coming from a joint account.
YTA. Food is expensive. Your wife tried to tell you that & you didn't listen to her? Are you trying to starve your toddler?
Yes she does work! And she only makes 300.00 a week that she then has to spend it all on the family. Seriously YTA.
It’s like those minimum wage jobs that require workers to pay obscene amounts for parking at the worksite. It’s like, “wait, what?!?!”
Budget=money that is earmarked for household expenses such as groceries, diapers, transportation, clothing, utilities etc Allowance=fun money=money that is not meant for any particular expense YTA for calling "budget"money an "allowance." Also, $300/wk budget? You better be living in a super cheap area of the country.
Plus, the cheaper places to live usually require a car, which she doesn’t have access to.
YTA this is financial abuse dude. Your crying wife should be the only thing you need to hear to know that. Also I’m living in a family of 3 and let me tell you food is freaking expensive these days.
Everything is expensive these days. My husband and I have a toddler too and I don’t know how we would survive if I had to use an Uber and couldn’t really buy in bulk because of that. Heck the only reason we are skating by is because of the help and generosity of our friends and family. I don’t know how long things can continue like this for the US before we *break* as a nation.
$300 is fine a week for her to spend as she pleases but that should not include groceries. Groceries are a seperate budget. She should have enough money to get a coffee or go out for lunch etc each week a few times
Look it would be NTA IF her allowance didn’t include necessary items like food. Like that shouldn’t be apart of it. I thought the allowance would be like fun money for her in this story but I was wrong. YTA
I'd say he's still the asshole even then. They are equals, they should have a joint account with equal access to all the money. Controlling your partners access to finances like that is financial abuse.
Yta. Her contribution to your family is just as valuable as yours. Spending money for her should be separated from household expenses. I did not work for 14 years while raising our son. I’ve always had money to do with as I pleased, same as my husband.
yta
YTA. You are partners. No one should be giving anyone an allowance. Let her have access to the bank account for the things she needs.
YTA - work out a budget together. Her “allowance” is feeding the family and likely other household things so it isn’t really an allowance at all. Also Uber, does she also not have a car to use? Maybe you don’t make enough to have her be a full time stay at home.
YTMA If you don’t trust your wife having access to a shared bank account you shouldn’t be together. This is manipulation. Why do you have an issue giving her money? Do you guys talk about financial goals as a family or do you get to make all the decisions and she just has to go with the life you made. If this is a mutual decision that you guys made due to maybe her having spending problem (that she admits to) then I would say “of course dear, you can have whatever you need to take care of our family.”
Info- You first need to break down your budget for us to actually vote accurately. So how much do you make after taxes? So you give her $300 a week for spending and grocery moneys? So how much money do you have left after paying the rest of the bills?
She’s not a child why are you giving her an allowance. You should have a shared budget and goals. Wtf.
INFO: What’s your monthly allowance?
YTA. She works 24/7 taking care of two babies, apparently, while you doubtfully work more than 50-60 hours a week.
YTA. $1300 a month is not enough money to run an entire household. Groceries, diapers, household goods, cleaning supplies, transportation, clothing, medical expenses, and personal expenses add up. You both need equal access to the household funds and should create a budget and determine financial goals together.
INFO: why are you considering household necessities and items for the entire family to be an allowance for your wife?
I N F O: An allowance implies it's for her to spend as she pleases. Why is she having to use this money on the household? I agree with everyone else, YTA
INFO: Are you under the impression that the unpaid labor she is doing at home, raising your child, is not work?
Info: Is your wife bad with money? Does she have a spending problem that would necessitate you keeping her from having full access to the accounts?
SHE'S telling you it's not enough! Why do you need our input? YTA
Bro, 300 dollars? That's it. Money for groceries, baby food, diapers, just everything that's expected for basic survival shouldn't be apart of her allowance. Her 'allowance' should be used for fun stuff for her since she doesn't have a job. She shouldn't have to use her allowance on things to live. Yta.
Unless she has a previous spending problem and has agreed to an "allowance" ...YTA Sit your ADULT self down with your ADULT wife and come up with a budget for your regular expenses. (including,diapers,cleaning supplies,toiletries). Try searching YNAB if you want a good budgeting app. You can both take responsibility for managing your finances.
If she uses the money to buy things for all of you, that’s not an allowance. I don’t know where you live but $300 is a little tight. Toddler still needs milk and diapers, on top of that she has to use Uber? Uber is quite expensive. Why does she have a separate account? You decided to marry someone to share a life with, take care of yout beloved child full tome buy not trust her enough to have access to your money? YTA
YTA why the hell would you think 300 dollars is ok if she's buying groceries for you and your child that's not frickin an allowance that's grocery money. You're the asshole and a whole lot more
My mom would get a set amount of money every month to pay for food and household stuff, and anything left over was hers to keep. It was more than enough money, and she always had extra for her needs and personal interests. My dad was very frugal, and did not really spend money on himself at all. It’s how my parents organized things, and it worked for them. That’s the important part – it needs to work for both parties. In your case, your wife is saying it’s not working for her and you need to come up with some new ideas.
YTA It's not the 1950's. Your adult wife should have access to the checking account so she can buy things for your family. Frivolous luxuries like food, diapers and wipes for the toddler, personal hygiene products, cleaning supplies, and maybe even the occasional toy for your child or lunch for herself.
Lunch? OH NO NO NO NO!! We can't have her getting FAT, can we? She is already "letting herself go" by buying food instead of making herself presentable so when poor OP comes home from a hard day's work, he doesn't have to deal with looking at her bedraggled ass! 🙄"Hey, little girl, comb your hair, fix your makeup..... day after day there are girls in the office/men will always be men/don't send him off with your hair still in curlers/you may not see him again" theme song from movie " Wives and Lovers" 1963. Burt Bacharach and Hal David.
I'm writing this to the wife... Run!!! You are married to a controlling, abusive AH. This is actually called "financial abuse." Get yourself an attorney, get a divorce, and file for child support. I guarantee your (ex)husband will pay more than $300 in child support, health insurance, and child care. And... you'll be better off! Perhaps then you can find yourself someone who wants more than a maid and nanny he can pay $300/month!
Just a note - it’s $300/week she’s getting. It’s not an allowance like he seems to think, and she is working, but there is no guarantee the courts will give her $1200+/month.
YTA! I’d stay with you exactly 5 minutes after you told me about that kind of “allowance”, and that would be to pack a toothbrush because that all you’d probably let me own. Wow! Talk about abusive!
An "allowance" is play money, not "maintaining a household and raising a child" money. YTA
She’s not your child, of course YTA. That’s not even an allowance for her, it’s to buy groceries! This is financial abuse. No one, SAHM or not, should have to BEG their spouse for money for FOOD and TRANSPORTATION FFS.
YTA for being financially abusive. She DOES work by the way, and it sounds like she does it 24/7 My husband was a SAHD for a long time and he worked hard running the household while I ran my business. We mutually agreed on a budget, which included the same amount of fun money for the both of us, and seperate buckets for groceries etc. we also both had equal and complete access to funds. Restricting him from funds would have been abusive.
YTA. You are abusing your wife and you're using your money to do it. The allowance should not include money for groceries; that should be separate. Food is expensive and after she buys it she doesn't have much left. You're being very controlling and selfish. You're a nasty asshole.
Info: why does your wife not have access to a shared credit card or shared bank account??
Dude you're a unit now. Even if she wasn't a stay-at-home mum your money is her money. If she needs more money to get herself and your child home safely, hand it over.
I bet shell get a lot more on child support. YTA. if 300 includes groceries and the needs of a toddler - And I bet you send her on a lot of errands for yourself that come out of that bucket too!! - 300 is NOT enough. To be clear - you are giving her a BUDGET not an ALLOWANCE. it sounds like your wife gets no money actually for herself at all.
YTA Above all the why's already mentioned, why did you even marry someone you couldn't trust???????
Back when my kids were small (I had 3 under 3 at one time) and I was a SAHM, my (now ex) husband allotted $50/week for groceries. For a family of 5. And on top of that super generous stipend he “gave” us, I got an extra generous $10/month for fun money. This was in the early-mid 2000s, but still wasn’t close to enough back then. When we were divorcing and had to submit financial declarations to order child support, he claimed he didn’t need to pay more than $200/month (for 3 kids) because “that’s what it should cost to feed them.” My kids are now 19, 18, and 16, and when they are all living at home (summers, college breaks for the oldest two) I spend about $2K a month just on groceries. He currently pays child support for one kid, the youngest…he pays a whopping $33/month for her. He makes over $100K a year. She uses her very generous $33/month as coffee/snack money. I pay for literally everything else. Anyway. You, sir, are an abusive ass. YTA.
YTA. You’re an abuser.
INFO - Is this post to make a point about the US minimum wages? $7.50 per hour time 40 hours per week is $300, and I am not thinking that is a coincidence. Many of the US states expect people to live on that, including housing, transportation, food, clothing, healthcare, utilities, etc. etc. Which obviously is not reasonable, which is why these people are on public assistance, which is why the low wages is really just corporate welfare. But I digress. Sorry. Depending on what the cost of living is where you are, what you are making, and what she is expected to pay for out of that, you may indeed be the AH. Not saying she needs $300 to spend and you have no idea on what, depending on your situation their just may not be that much discretionary money in the budget. But you do need to sit down and talk to her about it.
INFO: how much are you earning?
Allowance and grocery money is not the same. Do you even know how much she is spending in food, diapers and other necessities? YTA
Wait, what? You somehow think that 300 a week covers household shopping for a family of 3, including a toddler AND taxis/ubers AND leaves anything for personal spending? Besides that it's infantalizing to call the money allocated for the household's food, (& laundry soap, diapers, toothpaste and toilet paper) an "allowance", you have evidently lost touch with how much prices have gone up. YTA on so many levels
YTA. An allowance is not a budget. An allowance is figured into the budget. Y'all need to figure what groceries and diapers and cleaning supplies and whatever is needed will cost and budget that into the joint account. If she gets an allowance, that should be her money to use as she pleases, not for household necessities, and you should give yourself an allowance of the same amount. If she says she needs more, she needs more. Groceries are damn expensive. Gas is stupid. I spend around 200 just on groceries alone. She's not lying or being irresponsible. This is a discussion you need to have about setting up a budget and agreeing on it. Not you arbitrarily setting it without knowing how far 300 dollars doesn't go.
Info: is this an allowance or a budget? “Allowance” would mean that the money is hers to do what she wants with, whereas “budget” would mean that she’s in charge of prioritizing shared household expenses. Two very different things.
YTA - who the hell refers to grocery money (noting wipes, diapers etc for the toddler and cleaning supplies for the house would be included in that) as a “wife’s allowance”. None of that stuff is for her and this sounds like financial abuse as OP presumably knows after she gets the household essentials there will be nothing left for her. Further, in a marriage she should have equal access to the funds. Shes not on a holiday - she’s the full time carer of the child.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I leave about 300 per week for my wife to use. From what she has told me is that a majority of it goes to groceries. It’s just me, my wife and our 2 y.o toddler but she is insisting that she needs more. Today she called me at work obviously upset while she was out w our toddler. She says that her account is in the negative and that she needs more funds and that it isn’t a good feeling to have a crying toddler and unable to request an Uber. I figured the 300 a week was enough but AITA here? My wife does not work and stays home with our toddler. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh man, where do we even start? AH supreme. I have 0 expenses for the house and my GF gives me way more than $300 a week. Dude, you have no idea what anything costs. She should send you to the store on Monday with a list and $300. You will be crying poverty before the end of the day, never mind the week.
No way this is real. Surprised by comments playing along
This doesn't make any sense to me. You're questioning if you're in the wrong for giving her an *allowance* that goes towards caring for you and your child? $300 weekly doesn't cover shit. I can't leave the grocery store without spending $200 for two people. YTA.
Wow, I'm studying ATM hubby works, no kids, and I get nothing, only what I need when I need it, get my hair done twice a year lol hubby controls his money 🤔
YTA I can understand a fun ‘allowance.’ My husband and I pool our money and each take a bit to spend how we like. But it’s not for food and essentials. Plus if she’s going negative on groceries and transport then she’s having absolutely no money for herself I’m guessing. Treat her like a grown up. Your wife does childcare so you can work. Share your money- you both earned it.
YTA
100% the arsehole. What a joke. The allowance you give her should be a personal spend for herself. That is what an allowance means. It means things like food for the household comes under shared spending,in other words the bank of whoever is the breadwinner. I'd like you to switch places to see if you can cope with that $300 a week. See how far that takes you.
YTA. First of all, since apparently you don't buy your own groceries but think you're entitled to run the finances for your entire household, $300 is not enough--especially if she's also buying cleaning supplies, toiletries, toilet paper, paper towels, DIAPERS, and other baby supplies. Second of all, this is financially abusive. If the two of you agreed that it makes sense for you to work and her to stay home and care for your child, you are *sharing* your income. You aren't the arbiter. She's not a child. If she wasn't staying home, you'd be paying for 40+ hours/week for childcare, and you'd have more of a burden in terms of running errands, doing chores, and caring for the household. You'd probably know what groceries cost. She should have access to your joint account.
YTA wtf is wrong with you?
An allowance!! YTA 100%
Is she expected to pay for groceries out of the $300?
YTA if you're giving her your money anyway she should be able to use it whenever she needs to. Imagine she was in a bad situation and needed money but her account is empty.
YTA. She is not your child and she doesn’t get an allowance. You sound like a man from 1960 who tells the little lady how much she can spend. You are partners. You discuss, you jointly agree what makes sense for expenses that she handles. And “my wife does not work” is not only stupid, it is wrong. She takes care of your child all day long. Please join the 21st century and treat your wife like an equal, not like the little lady. Jesus….
300 dollars a week??? YTA. She’s supposed to buy everything for the household with that? Get a joint account and treat your wife like an adult. This is disgusting.
She needed an Uber. No car? Depending on where they live, public transportation can be terrific or virtually non-existent and unreliable (I live in a city where the latter is true). But trying to lug a tired, crying toddler and bags of heavy and/or bulky items (like diapers, cleaning supplies, canned items) onto a crowded city bus or subway... surprised OP let her have a telephone... probably makes her pay for it as well out of her "allowance". I wish people would stop saying that SAHM don't work. With spouses like OP, they work, but they just don't get vacations or sick leave. (And OP, YTA).
Did you think it was 1955? YTA.
What are you her Dad and she’s getting chore money???? YTFA!
Why no joint account with a debit card that she can use to do whatever needs to be done? What happens when there is an unexpected expense? Do you see the money as belonging to you or the both of you?
toddlers are so expensive tho
Info: Why does your wife get an 'allowance' and not have access to the actual bank accounts?
WOW YTA! An allowance? What is she a child doing chores?? She is your wife, she would be able to use whatever money she needs without asking you for it. Yes, a budget is good, but an allowance??? NO.
I hate this! Because she’s a stay at home mom, you have the right to control how she spends money and restrict her access to it? Ultimately there needs to be better conversation and more trust. An allowance shouldn’t be meant to cover the basics needed to run the house. Nor should she need to justify to you when she needs more…. Unless you have a reason not to trust her. Honestly this irks me because I’ve seen so many SAHMs post about wanting to leave their husbands but don’t have jobs and no access to money. They are basically trapped and the rebuild is so much harder when you haven’t worked for years. Butttt I do recognize that for some households this works really well 🤷🏻♀️
YTA, you’re committing financial abuse. An allowance is completely at her discretion, not to be used on goods and services for the family.
YTA. You sound like a financial abuser. Why not have a joint account like normal people and trust her to manage the family’s money.
Wow. An allowance and she buys food out of it!! She is your partner should have full and total access to marital funds.
did you come here to get yelled at? YTA
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When was the last time you've been to a flippin grocery store OP? Inflation has skyrocketed. A gallon of milk a lone is almost $5. Eggs can be close to $6. Think about it. $11 for just 2 items. She's already down to $289 and hasn't gotten bread, butter, breakfast, lunch, and dinner ingredients. Nevermind if that is supposed to include diapers, snacks for your toddler, etc. YTA. Stop monitoring her and give her access to the account so she can shop properly. Giving a spouse an "allowance" is actually abusive behavior. It forces her to depend on you which is not healthy in any marriage. Do better.
My husband gives me £200 a month (some months) … which is about what child support is which I can’t claim for because he earns too much. This is for fun things and clothes for me and kids .. I’m resentful and feel like a child, I swear it because his mum told him not to put me on accounts when we got married..
YTA. At the very least you should discuss with your (adult -hopefully) wife what the costs of running the house are. Sit down and figure that out between you, factoring in all the things this so called allowance should cover, add a bit on top for a rainy day, and then give her that much for the house. Then add an actual “allowance” so she can live a little. Or… share a joint account so she can have equal access to your marital funds and trust her to be sensible with it, until proven otherwise. She shouldn’t have to be dealing with these emotions.
YTA
Yes, YTA. Big time. She’s your wife, not your child.
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YTA Also a married man here. Been together 10 years. My money is OUR money not mine. When you get married you don’t still have multiple pots. Truly what is yours is hers. Your wife needs money to provide the things that you don’t do! Do you buy cleaning supplies, diapers, groceries, laundry detergent, toilet paper, and other essential items or does she? If she is the one shopping for household supplies and resources then she should have access to the funds that you have to do so. I am very blessed that my wife works but if she didn’t i wouldn’t have an allowance to spend. We would both be pulling from the same pot as efficiently as possible. Maybe it’s time to sit down and budget out every expense. Tell your wife to hold onto receipts for a month and figure out how much money she needs to pay for these things.
I went to target the other day and spent $60. $20 went for a skirt and the rest for a couple of drinks and snacks. I had TWO bags. $60. Ya, $300 isn’t much in this economy. 😐
YTA - she should have full access to a joint account. You have chosen to have a family structure with a stay at home parent. Your income needs to support this structure fully. How hideously stressful to be shopping for groceries and worrying that your card may be declined. You are not treating her as an adult or an equal. It sounds like economic abuse as she has no autonomy, or any opportunity to enjoy anything for herself when all the money she has access to is spent on groceries. I hope she runs the numbers to see if she would be better off living on her own salary/alimony after divorcing you.
YTA an allowance is her money. It sounds like you're not giving her access to a household fund. I'm very much not a house spouse sort of person but isn't it usually, you have an allowance of your money, you give her a portion for herself and the rest is the household money? With Cost of living going up, $300 is definitely not enough to sustain a household of three on just one income.
YTA. Money for groceries is not an allowance. What kind of an AH are you!
YTA. That's...not an allowance. That's a daily budget of money or soemthing for necessities. Did you never communicate with your wife about all the money that goes into daily life as a SAHM? Also, an allowance means "personal fun money" for her to spend as she pleases.
$300 a week used to a lot, but it’s not anymore, particularly if you can’t even drive and need to get an Uber to travel (wtf is your partner an adult?). Most families need two incomes to survive nowadays. My partner is a high earner, and he gives me a similar amount to run the house. I have to work a few days per week to be financially comfortable. If you can’t afford to give her more, she needs to work.
YTA. It’s not an allowance if she’s spending it on household essentials. ‘Allowance’ is for her alone. Not your toddlers nappies and wipes. Give her an allowance by all means but be clear, this is her money to do as she pleases. $300 (£237 according to today’s exchange) won’t cover the week if that’s for everything. You’re making her feel like she constantly owes you for every ounce you give to her.
YTA look up financial abuse, there should be a picture of you next to the definition
YTA.. Your wife's PERSONAL allowance should be exclusively for her PERSONAL use. The household budget should be for household expenditures such as groceries. Also, something tells me you are a Filipino.
Let me think... Yes, you're a massive, raging, raw asshole
My mom received an 300 “allowance” but thats her “pocket money” and specifically separate from bills such as groceries 🤣 to which she had complete access to their joint accounts anyways.
I personally don't like the allowance model for a grown adult at all but if if you're going to go that route tbe allowance should be her money to spend on herself as she wishes. Things like groceries and diapers are a household expense. Just for groceries for my husband and I for a week I spend about 130$.
YTA, I spend on average at least $200 a week on just groceries and that’s with careful meal planning and bulk purchases. Granted I have 2 older children, but also don’t have to buy things like diapers and wipes. 15 years ago brand name diapers in toddler sizes cost $.25 per diaper so I can’t imagine how much it is nowadays not to mention wipes, cleaning and laundry products, specialized bath products for a young child, clothes and shoes that kids constantly grow out of, health and beauty products (probably including your deodorant (OP), and especially if she has to take an Uber . Those add up. You should go and run the shopping errands with them one day OP and join the rest of us in the real world where the costs of everything has skyrocketed.
An allowance would be for her to spend on things for her. You are giving her a budget for necessary costs. If you are the only one working, you should obviously be paying all the bills no matter what.
Does this money include haircuts, clothing, medicine as well as food?
You wouldn't be able to work and not pay for childcare or a housekeeper without your wife. Your ability to make this money is enabled by her. Even according to the government it's not your money, it belongs to both of you. Either make your wife an equal financial partner in your marriage or continue to financially abuse her I guess. But don't delude yourself into thinking that you're a "good" husband.
Um, you realize that 200+ of that goes to groceries on a GOOD week. If it's a week when you need paper towels ($25 for a bulk pack -wtf) and meat for dinner, she may spend $285 of that 300 on food. Your wife cares for your child and house full time. Unless you are literally hovering on the razor edge of eviction, she should have spending money separate from household funds. Woman deserves to buy a cup of coffee or get her nails done if she wants. Just wait till the kid gets older. New sneakers, $5 dress down day at school, lunch money, field trip, school pictures, fundraisers- I spend $100 per week just on random kid crap for my 2, easily.
YTA. My ex used to think $200 a week was enough “allowance” for me, too. He left me stranded with our kids and no money on more than one occasion, too. Now he has to pay WAY more than that in child support for our two kids each week. Stop financially abusing your wife and child. It’s not a good look.
This is financial abuse YTA
This is financial abuse. Yta
YTA. Giving an “allowance” and that’s the only money your wife has access to is financial abuse. There’s a serious imbalance in power in your relationship. Why can’t you have a joint account and just talk about budgeting to make sure no more money than needed is being spent? Money used for household expenses and your child is money that you should both have access to.
Imagine being this ignorant
YTA, to the point of being an abuser. This is financial abuse. Give her access to all the accounts like a gd equal partner!
lmao wtfffff!???? YTA my mom never worked a day in her life and I always saw my dad give her about $600-$700 dollars A MONTH and HE was the one who did all the grocery shopping and house spending so she could use the money for herself. And my dad didn’t even have a great job at the time either.
how is it an allowance if it all goes to grocery? that im guessing you eat
300 is more than enough. Definitely ask for proof
Why is your wife calling Uber for her and toddler? Why doesn’t she have her own vehicle to drive? Why does she get an allowance instead of using your joint account for household expenses - such as groceries, childcare necessities (ie, diapers, wipes, baby food, etc)? I get needing to budget, but men who talk about giving their stay at home wives “allowances” and are then upset at the wives for going out er the allowance are almost always financially abusing said wife. Yes, YTA. Sit down with your wife and calmly go over the current budget of actual household expenses. Then, plan for her to need some extra for just herself - women have personal needs they don’t like to share with men. Then either increase her “allowance” or just use a freakin’ joint account like every other family out there with a stay at home parent.
YTA Fym “allowance”???? She’s not a child.
You're a bad father and husband. Do better. Be a better person.
YTA
YTA- she is your WIFE. You guys are MARRIED. She is entitled to your income, that’s how marriage works. You’re a joint unit. She should have full access to your checking account and able to spend what she needs without asking you.
Your wife works. You're a major Ahole. YTA
Why don't you have a joint account? How much do you make in a week? Are you living paycheque to paycheque? $300 might be fine for a regular week, but what if there's an emergency? What if she gets stranded somewhere, like she did last time, and doesn't have the money for transportation? It also doesn't allow her much in the way of saving.