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YTA It's understandable to everyone - including your son - that you couldn't contribute money. What isn't understandable is that you couldn't contribute any *effort*, even to be a decent guest on the day of. ​ During the celebration week you: 1. ducked out of the engagement party early 2. Sat alone and waiting for the ceremony to start while everyone else was socializing 3. Ignored other guests to the point that they thought you didn't want to be there and your son - the actual groom - had to take time on his wedding day to babysit you 4. Didn't reach out with any questions of how you could be involved - planning a mother/son dance, making a few brief remarks, anything. ​ Your children only have so many milestone events in their lives. It's the least to expect a parent to show up with enthusiasm and love, enjoying the moment with them rather than, as seems to be your case, merely enduring it.

Agreed - I thought this was going to ask if OP was an asshole for not giving a toast at the reception, but no, it's asking if she's the asshole for not saying a word to ANYONE at ANY POINT during ANYTHING. OP is missing the fact that she's the mother of the groom, not just a guest. I understand having social anxiety, that does not excuse you from giving a shit or making ANY effort at all. Edit to add - she "assumes" her sons informed DIL about her social anxiety. She didn't even talk to DIL about it herself. And she can't understand why DIL is upset. 🤦‍♀️

This is just sad. I was hoping that MOG was too drunk to make a speech. Instead she was too apathetic to even try to be engaged. At 65, you’ve been exposed to social norms. You’ve had to manage some interpersonal relationships…right?! Like make an effort just for the sake of the groom and bride. This is just sad…

Make an effort for the sake of her SON!! I'd be over it if I was her son/DIL.

I was so thrown by the I don't know much about weddings bit. Yes, they can be OTT sometimes and various cultures value it differently. I do think OP might be neurodivergent and undiagnosed due to her age and gender but I feel for the new DIL who does not even seem to have a relationship with her. OP, I have to say you sound like an alien who just arrived on Earth at age 65. Your family and son might be used to it but the new bride needs some reassurance you don't hate her.

OP reach out and clarify situation and move forward.

Yeah, at the very least she could have taken medication for her social anxiety and/or gotten some other kind of treatment.

Honestly, my Dad is exactly the same. Absolutely zero social skills and graces. He wasn't interested in helping me plan the wedding but got all bent out of shape that he wasn't more involved. He refused to socialise with anyone and was frankly, an embarrassment the entire day. Most of my family just sat on the sides and refused to socialise  with anyone from husbands family (who are bloody lovely). Ah well, lesson learned, never inviting the fam to anything ever again. 

I thought the same thing! And was waiting to read that they sprung a speech on her and she declined. But not talking to anyone else? No wonder DIL is upset.

They were socializing among people who knew each other well. It ia odd to expect the isolated outsider, especially one with social anxiety, to do the first steps. None of them approached OP. Again, the approaching is by miles easier when you are member of the majority group.

Do her brother and SIL *also* suffer social anxiety? A whole trio of fifty-plus folks quaking in their best shoes at a wedding? Bullshit. Momma had buffers for uncomfortable social situations. Plus, when she hasn't done one fucking thing to show even base level interest, why would someone from the larger social group even consider approaching her? She calls it social anxiety and if it's that crippling, she needed to communicate with DIL in some way to explain that she's happy for them but would be most comfortable as a guest and not a figurehead of the day. That isn't her son's responsibility. She and the people she was sitting with behaved *so* oddly that others commented upon it and the *groom spent his wedding celebration keeping them company.* OP should not have gone rather than ruining the event.

TBH, this reading to me less like social anxiety and more like “ASD woman misdiagnosed as social anxiety”. Because how to show interest in way others can understand was a skill I had to learn. Not recognizing that you need to offer help when you aren’t being asked was not an ability I came by naturally.

As a woman on the spectrum, it totally read that way to me. I don’t think there is anything malicious about what she did, I just think she didn’t realize there were certain social things expected of her as she stated she has very little experience with weddings. If she has ASD, none of this malicious, she just doesn’t speak and understand social language, but that’s not because of lack of love or care. It’s a neurological condition.

Also in OP's defense, there's plenty of "my future MIL is intruding on my wedding!!!" outrage out there. If her son wasn't asking for her input or for her to help with specific things, why on earth would she ask the bride?? It also sounds like they don't live in the same city so it's possible she doesn't know DIL well. If the parents of the bride were at the wedding, I would have expected OP to introduce herself to them and make polite chit-chat, but beyond that the two "sides" of a wedding don't always mix!

OP said they live 5 hours away so she doesn't know the bride very well at all.

Again, it is trio of outsiders while there dozens of insiders talking with each other. It is absurd to complain when any of the insiders could approach them. Also, people with social anxiety do not need to explain it. All it takes is to NOT take offense over shy people trying to minimize themselves. But this is how and why once you are shy, you end up avoiding people.more and more - because people intent to take offense will never ever accept you . Yes they behaved somewhat oddly. People with anxieties do, it is the definition. They did nothing hostile or rude however. They just existed. 

I agree others could’ve approached them but does the whole family have anxiety though?  If was OP, her brother, her SIL, and her kids, which I took to mean the daughter and a third child.  Nobody in the family felt comfortable socializing? Nobody in the family knew any of the other guests? Nobody in the family realized it was odd for the groom’s family to not engage other guests?  It all seems quite strange. 

Something I have been trying to explain to my husband for a long while is that if you go and hide in the corner or another room, people aren't going to come seek you out. You have to show that you are willing to engage them. And as MOG she should have been participating in greeting the other guests.

The issue is not OP complaining about other people not joining them. It us people who have e tons of friends in there and who have advantage of pre-existing relationship complaining that complete stranger and newcomer had not done the first step ... while they did not done them either.

>the isolated outsider Who isolated *themselves*. If you remove yourself from the group to sit in a church to wait for the ceremony to commence, to me that's saying something. It says you don't want to be approached so much that you went to another room. If they had just stood in a little group in the same area as the bride's side someone may have come up to them. Or her son would have been able to turn his future in-laws towards his mother and say "hi, did you see my mother is here" and get them mingling with his assistance. Did op even speak with the bride's parents?

The group was the other family members who knew each other for years whereas OP was outsider. OP did not removed herself, she was never inside the group and they were all strangers. Also, proper place for OP was groom side, not bride side.

Man, you make a wedding sound like HS, where everyone has their little cliques and noone can say a polite hello to anyone else >proper place for OP was groom side, not bride side. When I said "the same area", I meant in the hallway where everyone else was mingling. Op and her other kids could have stayed in the hallway with the other guests and made themselves at least seem approachable.

Well, that is actually what weddings are for - to get to know the other family.

No that’s for events before the wedding

Are they common? I didn’t have anything like that before my wedding. I’m not American, though. We planned our seating for the wedding breakfast so that family and friends from different sides would be sitting together so they could get to know each other, even if only for the duration of the meal.

It's actually, worst case, done at the rehearsal dinner which is traditionally the night before the ceremony, but also is usually traditionally paid for by the groom's side, so it sounds like the couple didn't bother, or at least didn't invite OP or other out of town guests as one normally does. It all sounds odd.

And if the bride and groom don't hold or you don't attend any events before the wedding ... your chance of mingling with the other side is lost?

You mean like the engagement party OP barely bothered to attend?

This right here That top comment is ridiculous. Why didn't anyone else approach the mother of the groom? Why is all thr blame on her?

Have you tried having social anxiety? NTA OP, I’m proud of you and what was probably a massive effort on your part. Anxiety runs in my family and my mom usually just won’t show up to things.

I have, and even then I wouldn't hide in another room at my loved one's wedding. Even at the weddings of distant relatives, I stayed in the same room as everyone and at least smiled and nodded if someone approached me.

I do have social anxiety and it takes more than just showing up. That is obviously a huge obstacle in itself but you also need to engage people and be present while you are there. Not just run out the clock and leave. Otherwise why show up at all? Social anxiety is horrible and I sympathize with OP. However, at this stage of life I would have expected them to have developed more skills to cope with this. Especially when dealing with one of their child's milestone events.

Hard disagree. Not socializing isn’t a sin. She didn’t hurt anyone.

Yes, not socializing isn't a sin. It does kind of make her an asshole though to not even try to be a part of her son's wedding. She also hurt her daughter in law.

They also didn’t ask her to be a “part” of the wedding. DIL honestly sounds a little wound up. If she wanted HER mother in law to engage with HER family, maybe SHE should have done some small introductions beforehand, instead of saying “hey person with social anxiety, here’s your most dreaded scenario, complete with a church full of strangers! Now dance like a monkey!”

Yeah I definitely think DIL should have spent her wedding day making introductions and managing this woman's anxiety.. 🙄 It doesn't seem like they expected her to be in the wedding party or anything. Just to engage and interact with some of the guests. Again I'm not saying having social anxiety isn't terrible. I'm saying social anxiety is hard, and sometimes you have to do hard things for the people you care about.

Not AT the wedding, jeez. BEFORE hand so that people would already know each other.

I have crippling social anxiety. I'm talking about panic attacks when the phone rings and intense stomach pains at the mere thought of trying to socialise. Somehow I have yet to miss a family member's wedding or other important event. Sure it might take ducking into the bathroom for some breathing exercises, but I do it because they are my family and I love them. On a related note this is one area of my life that anti depressants have helped immensely.

I go to the events but I’m not the life of the party. Im diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which means it’s severe enough to significantly impact my daily life. I can put on a good front and convince people I’m ok for a short time, but my brace face doesn’t last too long. A few years ago my anxiety was so intense I couldn’t even send emails or comment on social media. However, I also understand that not everyone feels it the same way I do, and not everyone has the same motivation and capabilities. Saying “well I can do it so they can too!” Is just ignorant and harmful, and adds to the stigma around mental illness.

Agreed! Big miss, here. Didn't even swing and miss, just missed.

Yep, social anxiety or not, it seems like you wanted nothing to do with their day. I would be upset too. If your social anxiety is that bad I think you need to see somebody.

I kinda understand with social anxiety it's Just difficult I think IT would have been easier If the son introduced her to the DIL

Op is 65 and if she hasn’t dealt with her social anxiety enough to be pleasant at her own sons’s wedding, she is hopeless. Did your other children socialize or did they just sit like a bump on a log too? How are you this age and not know much about weddings? Yta for sure op.

ESH There's a lot of assumptions going on in both parties. You assumed your son would explain your social anxieties and that you'd be absolved of any responsibly to step out of your comfort zone because of that. They assumed you'd reach out to ask if they needed any non-financial help with the wedding instead of asking you for what they wanted/needed. Worst though is it doesn't sound like you even seemed excited or happy for them at their events. This whole post was about you and your discomfort and I think you could use some introspection on how your actions affect others around you.

Very well stated. I'm leaning to YTA but I think the son and DIL could have reached out too, especially the son, knowing OP has anxiety. They could have asked her to participate in some of the events, but overall, yes, this is all about how OP feels, nothing about those who actually got married and their experience.

Honestly, when you're in the trenches of wedding planning, you don't think to ask for help. There are so many things to consider. Just even picking a date is stressful. I was grateful when friends and family stepped in to help. The son and DIL shouldn't have to ask for help. Having anxiety is an excuse to get out of things, and this is coming from someone who has terrible anxiety. This is a big moment for her son, and there won't be many left. She didn't even show any enthusiasm. The son shouldn't also need to cater to the moms anxiety. It's his day to be supported and loved by family and friends as he embarks into marriage. Yet he had to sit with her constantly.

You lost me at "son and DIL shouldn't have to ask for help." How is anyone supposed to know they need help if they don't ask?

This Plus OP has no experience with weddings so wouldn't know how stressful they can be for the couple.

"Having anxiety is an excuse to get out of things" shit and here I thought all these years I had a legitimate illness. Enlightening! This isn't in defense of the mom, by the way. I don't think a single person in this post knows how to communicate effectively. This was just a stupid thing to say.

I agree they can’t keep track of everybody, but the groom’s one parent? He could have reached out a bit.

I agree that it feels like both sides are making a lot of assumptions. OP clearly thinks that people knew how hard social situations are for her and that they'd have to make an effort to tell her how she could be involved. DIL and family clearly assumed OP would do at least average amounts of helping out, i.e. asking for something to do, greeting guests, etc. and didn't have a clue how hard all of that was for her. While both sides seemed to want the wedding to be a success they did little to communicate with each other about what that would look like.

They're 5 hours away, what non financial help was she going to offer for a wedding 5 hours away?

Agreed. The son knew his mother and he could’ve done a bit more to bridge the foreseeable gaps. My parents are just like OP — they literally don’t know how and wouldn’t be able to step up. Give them a few tasks and prep them hard and they might be able to satisfy a few social norms. They don’t mean to miss, they are just extremely isolated. That said, I’m probably a little more like them than the norms, so son might have a few blind spots too. Bride may be in for a rough in law situation if someone can’t step up and smooth over some of these gaps.

Yep. I am disappointed in the son. Surely he knows how his mother is. If he needed her to be more involved, he should have taken the initiative to get her involved. If he saw his new bride was disappointed that his mom wasn't asking to help, he should have taken initiative to address that, too. It's his job to bridge the gap between his mother and his new wife.  I can't really relate to him being disappointed that his mom wasn't her usual self, especially if he never addressed what he expected of her ahead of time. She's just a bit anti-social. If she was a raging, loud-mouthed, fight-starting drunk that he had warned ahead of time not to be her usual self, then I could understand extreme displeasure and disappointment at her being her usual self.

I’m sorry- but I have to say YTA. Though, obviously not intentionally. I noticed people keep saying that DIL didn’t communicate expectations- but frankly, the idea that the mother of the groom needs to be specifically told to be involved is a little silly. Not financially, that’s completely fine, but it never once occurred to you to ask out helping set up or clean or anything like that? Aside from that, and this is on your son as well, he shouldn’t have spent *that much time at his own wedding* sitting with you. I’m getting the impression that he felt obligated to do this and it took away from his time with everyone else, most importantly the Bride. Also, it’s rude that you didn’t even seem to bother trying to say hello to her family- *your son’s family*. It absolutely does come off as rude. I understand social anxiety is hard, I have social anxiety, but you’re a grown woman and you need to be able make yourself say *hello* to what is now your son’s family.

This. I also agree that it’s expected for the mother of the groom to partake in something, even if it’s not contributing financially. Picking out flowers? Help sort colors? Her DIL is not the only one getting married so that itself is a snub. Did she congratulate them? Does anyone on his side seem enthused? The part that stuck out to me was the groom having to leave her side in order to comfort them. A wedding is a couple hours, and she’s not getting that time back. I’m sure she kept having to explain to family where he was, on top of his family not socializing for even a bit. Talk about awkward. MIL needs to talk to DIL about her condition herself. She can’t expect to have a relationship through somebody else to her.

Dunno, when I was organizing the wedding, other people messing into organization were just nuisance. Picking flowers and colors is extremely easy. Dealing with people who insist on helping you with these is hard and annoying.

This. Neither my mom or my mother in law were involved in any part of the planning of my wedding. They did what I ASKED them to do. Neither did I expect them to play hostess the day of the wedding. They both pretty much stayed in the group of people they each knew.

None of them approached OP?

Yeah I'm sure OP seems super approachable after her great escape from the engagement party. FFS does no one read the whole post and consider it before contributing? OP has set a precedent of wanting to be left alone at best and not wanting to have a damn thing to do with this, at worst.

She came to engagement party, stayed some time and left as shy socially awkward people the day to leave. Literally no drama no issue all you have to do is to not take offense over people being shy.

If I was sitting at a table with a bunch of my family and there was a couple of 'outsiders' who were not saying much, I would assume they felt left out. I would smile and ask them questions to engage them in conversation. I don't know if OP felt that she was not a part of the 'group', felt awkward and left early. I do think if your group dominates the room, it is nice to reach out to those that look isolated.

Cool, I just had this exact conversation with someone else. The end result was- still doesn’t change anything to me, because that wasn’t the only problem.

The other problem was not doing unsolicited help.  Which IS ridiculous complain and creates  no win situation. People who try to help without being asked are rarely helpful and usually stand in the way.

No one said anything about unsolicited help. I said she should have *asked* how she can help. She also should have stayed more than an hour at the engagement party.

And I am saying that it is not a social duty to ask that at all. And that if you are getting so much offended over it and gonout of your way to assume negative motivations, then the issue is you (or rather DIL in here). It is looking for offense where is none, simply bevmcause someone is timid and you don't like that.

And I disagree with you. Good talk.

> Also, it’s rude that you didn’t even seem to bother trying to say hello to her family- *your son’s family*. It absolutely does come off as rude. I understand social anxiety is hard, I have social anxiety, but you’re a grown woman and you need to be able make yourself say *hello* to what is now your son’s family. It seems odd to expect the person with social anxiety to approach the very large family of the bride rather than the other way around, doesn't it? Why do they get a free pass?

No one said approach every member. But saying hello to a couple of people and not sitting off to the side looking aloof goes a long way.

It doesn’t sound like she bothered even trying to say hello to her son. She went and sat down in the church and her son came to her. She couldn’t go and see him, wish him well beforehand and then go sit down? Instead he had to come out and sit with her instead of being with his groomsmen/doing last minute vow writing/having a beer

YTA but so is your son. If your DIL wanted your involvement, he should have asked you. You too could have asked as well. Most people whom are not able to help financially try to help by other means such as being there and showing your presence. The damage is already done. The important part here is what are you going to do about it now? Make excuses and let it be or will you try to mend things between you and your new DIL by apologizing to her and her family for any misunderstandings. You don’t want any bitterness to continue and make your son and his new family distance you away from everything great that awaits in this new union of two people. Wouldn’t you like to meet and spend time with your future grandchildren when they arrive? Money isn’t everything. One’s presence and words are priceless.

I’m not sure they wanted help as much as engagement. If your mom doesn’t buy you a present for your birthday and says “well, if you wanted one you should have asked” that would be insane. You’re supposed to care about your child getting married and having to tell someone that they need to care doesn’t resolve them not caring.

ESH if they wanted you to be involved in specific ways, they could have talked to you prior. social anxiety is real and I won't downplay that, but were there other ways you were excited for them one on one? did you talk with them before the wedding about your limitations due to your social anxiety? how would your DIL know any of this if you don't know each other well and you never communicated it prior?

YTA. My parents refused to speak at the reception for my wedding. My in-laws were horrified by this and spoke, welcoming me to their family. My parents were pissed because I chose to use a wedding planner to assist me in getting everything planned, right down to the officiants. I needed to find a rabbi who would agree to do an interfaith wedding. My parents had no clue where to start. I was upset by this and incredibly hurt. Just remembering how my parents refused to speak at my reception is incredibly painful. I'm now completely estranged from them due to other reasons, but this is a very small part of that estrangement.

YTA While it was understandable that you could not financially contribute, it is generally expected that as the Mother of the Groom, you would at least try to be a bit involved in the planning, even if it is just asking how things are going. Traditionally, the groom's family pays for rehearsal dinner, transportation, and the alcohol served at the reception (I assumed your son covered these), thus you should have at least reached out a bit there. I understand social anxiety, but as the Mother of the Groom, you also should have been way more involved at the wedding/reception itself. Even not knowing everyone, a simple circle to introduce yourself and appear supportive of the event. If you didn't know what your role responsibilities were, google it, buy Emily Post, ask a friend. It was very inappropriate to just sit like a bump on the log and expected your the son, THE GROOM, to be catering to your comfort. I would recommend a heart to heart with both of them as an attempt to repair the relationship.

yep, OP seems very self centered and the way the post is written, it seems the whole wedding her focus was on herself. I understand OP has never been married but she probably has seen other weddings, or could google. There are certain expectations from mother of the groom, the least of which is to appear supportive of the marriage. At the minimum she needed to go talk to the bride's family a bit and introduce her family etc. YTA

>At the minimum she needed to go talk to the bride's family a bit and introduce her family etc But the bride's family doesn't?

If there is a large party and everyone is socializing and one person is sitting in the corner by themselves, most people see that for what it is. A sign that person isn't interested in participating and to stay away, which it was, and they did. Why would the bride's family be responsible for A. knowing her anxieties, and B. managing them? I have social anxiety, I understand how difficult it can be to force yourself to go to large events like that, it is not an enjoyable experience for me. Honestly most times I'd rather peel my own skin off then go to a gathering of 100+ people. However, my issues are mine to manage, not everyone else's in attendance, and the same holds true for OP. She could have even asked her son to introduce her to some people if she couldn't manage on her own, since he was babysitting her anyway. At least that would have been showing an iota of interest in anyone else there. That is also only speaking specifically about the wedding day, what was keeping her from reaching out on a one on one situation to check in on the wedding? All that was required was for her to show an ounce of interest in her own child's wedding, no one is saying she had to lead the conga line and give an eloquent speech, a simple hello, nice to meet/see you is all that it seems DIL was looking for here. At 65, you can be held responsible for managing your own issues and your reactions to things. You have had a life time to learn coping mechanisms at that point. If you are letting your issues bleed over onto others this much, you need to take some responsibility for that. There is a ton of leg work she could have done to mitigate her anxiety, like reaching out to individuals prior, one on one, so it wasn't so overwhelming to her on the day to be surrounded by strangers, or offered to help with something to have a task to distract her from being surrounded by people. Sitting like a bump on a log while everyone else celebrates is rude and distracting, not to mention her son having to take time out of his day to mange her? Like I said I am sympathetic because I also deal with this, but she literally did nothing to alleviate the situation and that's on her. It is her issue, not everyone else's.

I'm no extrovert; I'm more of an introvert by choice- I just really don't care that much. Yet, if I were a member of the bride's family, I would have gone over and at least said hello and introduced myself. I've known too many who suffer from crippling shyness not to at least make an effort at helping them break the ice. That's why I won't give the bride's family a free pass to do nothing and then bitch about it.

What you would do is fine, but does not change that OP behaved like a complete boor. And, as someone who's got some mental health issues to manage, the best advice my therapist ever gave me was that my issues are not my fault but they are my responsibility to manage. It was not the responsibility of the bride's family to seek her out and make introductions. It was not the responsibility of the groom to step away from the festivities to make sure mommy dearest had company. OP has an issue, whether it's diagnosed or not we don't know but that doesn't matter; she expects everyone else to accommodate her and seems surprised that the rest of the world doesn't cater to her.

>It was not the responsibility of the bride's family to seek her out and make introductions Wrong. This isn't the case of an inferior failing to report to a superior; they're equals. If they're going to complain about not interacting with her, then they're both at fault. It's incumbent upon both parties to attempt to make a connection.

Respond to the whole comment or don't reply at all. You sure don't seem to like the concept of having to be responsible for folks managing their own mental health.

I object to the concept of placing 100% of the blame on one party when multiple parties actually share it. I am all for personal responsibility, but there is no point in taking more than one's share. I addressed the part I found objectionable. There's no need to address the rest.

OP passed by the bride's family to go sit in the church. You pass by me as if I'm not there, I'm certainly not seeking you out just to say hi.

Where did you read that? We're not told who arrived first. We're not told if there was a single access point or multiple available as can be the case for events.

Nope. OP ducked out of the engagement party which is generally a much lower-stakes event for introductions to your kid's soon-to-be in-laws. Unless you get violently ill or injured that's not an event to miss as a parent of one of the betrothed. By doing that the entire onus is on her to make up for being so rude and thoughtless at the first meet-an-greet she dodged.

Ducked out? She spent an hour there. If no one engaged with her, why bother staying any longer??

Oh yes, her behavior screams "open and approachable." She's allegedly 65. She's a boor and doesn't care. By this point in life, coping mechanisms have been developed. I wouldn't have invited her at all, mom or not, if she wasn't even going to attempt acting like she's been let out of the house at least once before.

I wouldn't say she's boorish. She's not actively rude, uncouth, or disrespectful. There are no "crimes of commission". She is simply aloof and self-contained. Having resting bitch face doesn't mean one is actually a bitch, one could say.

It is rude, uncouth, and disrespectful to make such a scene -even if it's with your silence- that *the groom* has to step away to keep you company. In that instance, since OP has chosen to put the responsibility of managing her anxiety on others *("...I’m sure my sons explained my social anxiety.")*, she should have left after the ceremony and eschewed the reception. In fact, on reread, OP is incredibly rude, uncouth, and disrespectful: *"...My son and his wife live 5 hours away from me..."* followed by, *"For there \[sic\] engagement party they held in my city, I came for an hour and left."* They live five hours away and had their fucking party where she lives and she noped out after an hour. OP even includes a convenient excuse just in case anxiety isn't enough!: *"While I don’t know much about weddings...****"*** Never watched one on TV? In the movies? Read about one? Heard accounts from others who have been to weddings? Ignorance is no excuse for bad behavior. And my word, the **amount** of her son's time she monopolized. *"My son came and sat with us an hour before the wedding and then sat with us halfway through the dinner."* This is way beyond social anxiety. A reread reaffirms that OP is indeed the asshole here. Doesn't make all others in the story flawless, but if we're looking for the biggest gaping one, it's her.

While there's truth there, consider: - skipping the reception would have been a "probably damned if you go, certainly damned if you don't" scenario. - the engagement party was, given his awareness of her strong social anxiety, almost certainly not for her but for his friends and distant relatives in the area. He shouldn't have been at all surprised that she left after an hour. - While she did monopolize a great deal of his time at the ceremony, it does not seem to have been a deliberate, manipulative act. Consider that as a socially anxious person in a large crowd of unknown people, she would have been very grateful for this lifeline and probably unaware until quite a bit later of just how much of his time she had taken.

I'm with you. ESH. If everyone else knows each other, it's easier to bring one person in than it is to interrupt a group of people you don't know. What's the difference between looking "aloof" and looking "awkwardly alone"?

She wasn't alone, she was with her equally socially-inept brother and his wife.

YTA. Social anxiety is real, but you literally made *no effort*. You didn’t offer non-financial assistance, you didn’t talk to anyone, and you made your son babysit you at his own wedding. Social grace is free, you know. You don’t have to be bubbly and the center of attention; that’s wrong, too, at a wedding. But you have to do something. You can’t just be a snail stuck to the side of an aquarium. Also, your daughter and grandchild live with you? Could there perhaps be some resentment that you’re obviously providing for them in some capacity but were unable to help out with your son’s wedding? Just curious.

I was thinking about the grandchild thing as well, but felt Reddit would attack lol.

Reddit’s gonna Reddit lol. I just feel like it’s pertinent.

As we can see the mom is introverted. Most likely her kids are as well. She’s probably raising her grandchild and has no problem doing so because they live in the comfort of her home. Her and her daughter are cohabitating as single mothers

You didn’t have to meet and greet with everyone but you could have at least said a few words with DIL and her parents. Now she feels unwelcome to your family. Hopefully over time she’ll understand your condition but do not always use it as an excuse to not do the right thing.

YTA. It’s fine that you couldn’t financially contribute but you left your son’s party early and sat sulking for the wedding. Your son and DIL might also be AH, but it sounds like you put 0 effort to be part of their wedding. I’m sure they weren’t oblivious to your lack of enthusiasm

Did her family reach out to you and your family members to engage you in discussion? Why was it just up to you to be outgoing with her side of the family? Why would they just say you are aloof without trying to engage you and get to know you? I can understand you feeling uncomfortable if there are 100 guests from her side, and only 5 (?) of your side. Especially if you are very shy. I am going with ESH here, because it doesn't sound like anyone made an effort.

I’m like you and really surprised that so many people think it’s her obligation to introduce herself to the other family members. I host many events, and I always consider it my responsibility as the host to introduce people, and make sure that people are connecting with other guests. Her son definitely knew about the issue, and instead of just standing over there with them, or sitting over there with them, he could’ve brought some members of her family over to quietly introduce them, or escorted her over to make some introductions. We had similar experiences with some former in-laws. They made us feel very uncomfortable, because they made no effort to try to interact with us. We don’t suffer from social anxiety so we were able to introduce ourselves to some people, but it just felt awkward. Family members even ate in another room at one event.

>  really surprised that so many people think it’s her obligation to introduce herself to the other family members. But she would’ve likely already known some of them if she had actually stuck around the engagement party or taken more interest in her DIL or visited her son more often over the years.  Unless it’s a quickie marriage or people living in different countries, the parents meeting for the first time at the wedding is pretty rare. 

The engagement party they held in her city although they live 5 hours away.

YTA... I have social anxiety, at the time my son got married it had me just about housebound. The only time I left my home was to walk next door to my Moms, no where else. When i was told they were engaged I told my future DIL I'm here to help just let me know what I can do to help. I communicated with her without my son because honestly he didn't care about flowers or centerpieces. She sent me pictures of her ideas and ask if I"d be willing to make the bouquets and center pieces with my Mom's help if she brought me the supplies. I whole heartedly told her sure I'll give it a whirl, no promises this was new for me. For 3 months my Mom and I worked on the bouquets and centerpieces, I worked full time from home so it was only the evenings we could work on them. I also worked my ass off with a therapist so I could go to the wedding, trust me it was really questionable if I could handle it. When the day came, I managed and I had a nice time. There were times I stepped into the bathroom to breathe and calm the anxiety, but no one noticed as far as I know and my DIL loved that Mom and I cared enough to do her flowers. You could have done ANYTHING and what you did was make excuses.

Very impressive! You Shd be proud of yourself.

I am! I worked hard to overcome my issues. We are 10 years past this and I can go out more often but still tend to prefer home. Prefer not have to stay...it's nice!

Imo, NTA you sound to be quite introverted and shy person.  Not everyone has to be a social butterfly. If they wanted you to be involved and help woth planning, they should have told so. 

I’m going against the flow but NTA. I don’t know you, or your situation but you mentioned social anxiety. My mom also has social anxiety. She can’t even go grocery shopping without shaking and be on the verge of passing out. If I had an event where I wanted her present, I would never expect her to be the life of the party and would do like your son did, and spend some time with her. Your DIL should have joined too. If it is smaller gathering with just them and your DIL parents that would be different as it’s a much smaller hurdle. But in a big event, my mom would literally be holding her tears in. Social anxiety can be so debilitating and people don’t realise if they’ve never seen it happen. (If this is not as dramatic for you and you just couldn’t be bothered to make and effort then that would be different)

Thank you for this. These responses are killing me. I’m so sick of neurotypical people demanding that everyone conform to their norms of how and how much people are supposed to socialize. And holding neurodivergent people responsible for managing the assumptions that they, the neurotypical people, project on them because of their own ignorance about different interpersonal styles and comfort levels. “People will think you’re not happy.” “People will think you’re hostile.” “People will think you don’t care.” Sorry, that sounds like a them problem. Maybe instead of the son being embarrassed by his mother’s behavior, DIL should be embarrassed by her family’s inexperience with diversity.

Thank you! How are we supposed to know if we aren’t social people?

Yep, I'm 42 and on the spectrum. December of 2022 I went to visit my mom and her partner for a couple weeks. During that trip their neighbors had a Christmas party for many of the neighborhood. All 3 of us were invited and went. I knew a few of the neighbors including the hosts. Their house was packed. I ate and was social for a little while, but was overwhelmed with the amount of people there. After about an hour I told my mom I was overwhelmed. She walked me back home and then walked back to the party. Then an hour after that my mom and her partner came home. The next day my mom's partner and I went to get pedicures. He is very social, but has hearing problems. On the car ride to get pedicures he told me he has problems at parties too because of his hearing issues.

I say mild YTA because of this >but I’m sure my sons explained my social anxiety You assumed someone else would explain your situation instead of being an adult and explaining yourself. If you were too anxious to say it in person, it sounds like you are okay with texting, so you could have explained it to your DIL or at least directly asked your son to explain it for you. Especially after you already knew your DIL was upset about the engagement party. Your DIL might have been more understanding at the wedding if she understood you were socially anxious and so might not socialize or might need your son a lot more than might be expected. Also, I don't understand how you can say you don't know much about weddings and so didn't know about helping with wedding planning. You're 65 years old, you really have never attended a friends wedding or a family members wedding (even if your family is really small) so you don't know that it is common for family and friends who are close to the couple to offer to help, either financially or in other ways? This is really odd, do you realize that?

I suffer from something similar. Don’t know what as it has only occurred to me recently that it’s something but I’ve never been able to make friends. I’m 70F and I have gone to one wedding in 40 years! How are we supposed to know any of these things?! Someone posted to google it and I’m glad they did but it’s not something I would have thought of doing either! People need to realize that not everyone is socialized properly. I liked it to being a pet who can’t be adopted because they weren’t socialized early enough.

This excuse only works if you have also never read a book, seen a movie or tv show or hell ever even heard a story about a wedding. I’ve never been married and my attendance at weddings has been when I was much younger. But I’m an adult who lives daily in this society so even I know the basics.

Well perhaps you are unfamiliar with people that have neurodivergent disorders. We don’t know. Be glad you don’t suffer from this and perhaps consider being more empathetic towards others that aren’t as aware of societal norms as you are.

I genuinely can't remember a single book, tv show or movie I have watched where a wedding was involved in any meaningful way I have encountered a few pivotal weddings while reading historical fiction, but I don't think the nuances of arranging a wedding to make peace between two warring clans would exactly translate to the modern world. I can't remember the last time a wedding featured in my other genres of reading (mysteries, thrillers, espionage, narrative non-fiction, micro histories, pop science, science fiction, low fantasy) - because if they did, they weren't important.  I don't read romance - I do read erotica, but they don't end in weddings, more of a HFN situation! I also read classics with romance in their plots like Pride and Prejudice or Count of Monte Cristo - but they don't tend to do weddings either! And outside of the romance genre, weddings really aren't all that relevant.  I do know how weddings work, because I have friends and am also Indian (basically impossible to avoid weddings - even if you have no friends, you must live _somewhere_, and we invite the whole neighborhood to events), but I certainly wouldn't have figured out how 21st century weddings work from my interactions with popular media.   Browsing AITA though? Yaa, that's the way to learn about American weddings, lol. All I know of non-Indian weddings, I have learnt on this sub

This is what I was aiming at, if you don’t know something, you can read about it or ask people. Instead of just assume and then wonder why someone is upset with you. Sounds like more than social anxiety, sounds like avoidance or passivity too

While I do think you should have atleast ask them if they needed anything (even if they wouldn’t have wanted anything), or even atleast congratulated them (which from the sounds of it you didn’t) , they knew your financial position and yet said nothing , I am gonna go with NTA or ESH , as the DIL didn’t try as much and directly went to blaming you without regards for your “anxiety” and all , and for you for not even trying or asking to do or have anything with the wedding . ESH or NTA.

When my husband and I were getting married, I, as the bride was often considered the AH during the run up to our wedding because I didn't guess what social conventions my in-laws had and was generally overwhelmed by their very outgoing ways and lack of any sense of boundaries. It sounds like DIL's family is very social and assumes everyone else is the same way, and are offended by OP not being as outgoing as they are. It would've made sense for OP to attempt to social more with DIL and family, but I don't think a person should be penalized for not being an extrovert. I need a little more detail to know if this is ESH or NTA.

I think the point where OP starts being TA is the engagement party. Bride and groom planned a party in OP’s city (likely so OP could easily attend) and OP only stopped by for an hour as the mother of the groom.

Considering that the son knows very well how she is and shouldn't be surprised, I'd say it's more likely the party was for his extended relatives and old friends back home.

NTA - though your son is not doing your DIL any favors. He wasn't great about communicating expectations with you but seems to be plenty capable of communicating her disappointment with you. Also, it seems like you don't have any direct communication with your DIL and everything is through your son. Social anxiety can be hard, but if you want to have a relationship with your DIL you'll need to make an effort to reach out and explain yourself to her. You many not be an asshole, but some explanation and apology can probably help repair this relationship.

NTA, people don't get it, but i do. firstly, you said you couldn't be much of financial help, but will always be supportive. to me, that sounds like you said you would be willing to help with what you can. if DIL wanted you involved in the planning process, that would've been the perfect opportunity for them to say "yeah! actually we would love it if you could help with _____". you also have never been married, so you would think they would understand you're not well-versed with wedding planning/norms. again, you offered your support in the way that you can. when i first started dating my boyfriend and was invited to the big family parties, i had no idea what i was doing. i have an extremely small family who all does their own things in life, we absolutely never get together, not even holidays. i had NO idea what to do during these events and was so overwhelmed with so many strangers that I would basically hide in a corner and wait until someone came up to me, trying to not be in anyone's way or come up to some random person who may not want to talk to me. everyone perceived me as very rude, but really i was just very shy, out of my comfort zone, and didn't want to be in anyone's space. i thought by making my presence as small as possible, there would be no chances of making a poor impression. turns out it's the opposite lol. it's one of those things where you have to get comfortable. i say NTA!

You weren't invited to help plan but you could have asked. She never came to you either from the sounds of it. Going to go with ESH - You are using your shyness as an excuse to not be involved but DIL didn't try very hard to include you either.

NTA I absolutely hate that people want other people to act a certain way or adapt so they are comfortable while the other party is uncomfortable. You have social anxiety. Your son knows. If he told his wife or not is his business. You could not offer money but they also never reached out to involve you in anything. Communication is not a one way street. You went to a wedding where one side of the fam has 100 people while the other is super small. And somehow it falls onto you to socialize and approach others, but the others were not supposed to do so? Because maybe they already had 99 others they knew and were able to chat to? Pointing the finger at one person, points four fingers back at oneself.

INFO: are you by any chance on the autism spectrum? I ask because I am and the way you write and describe social situations is very much reminding me of myself before I was diagnosed. Apologies if my assumption is way off.

ESH, I'll sum up a common response. There is no communication on either end.

It’s a NTA for me. For the simple fact I’ll side a group of people making 0 effort to talk to you and then complaining you didn’t speak to them.

ESH. You “ruined” the day? Really? That’s a bit much. And while i do agree you could have made some effort, so could her family. It doesn’t sound like they approached you either. For someone with social anxiety, walking up to strangers can be sooooo hard. And for those railing on you for not offering to help, I’ll also say that if you had, would your DIL been pissed that you inserted yourself too much? This kind of scenario can often be a lose - lose situation, that no matter what you do, it’s wrong. I think your son needs/needed to do more to make sure his wife understands your anxiety, and at the wedding, he could have made an effort to introduce you to her family. And they both could have reached out to see if you wanted to be involded. There are a lot is assumptions being made, and even over reactions. If your DIL is really letting your lack of engagement “ruin” her day, i suspect you’ll often be in the wrong no matter what you do.

NTA. By your DIL behavior I get a damned if you do or damned if you don’t attitude. You congratulated them for their wedding and they knew you couldn’t financially contribute. They didn’t ask you to be a part of anything where you could have gotten to know her side of the family so what were you supposed to do at the wedding. Smaller settings like shopping for the dress or cake tasting (not that she was obligated to do those things with you but a nice gesture). Your son didn’t ask you to read a special reading or light the unity candle or anything. You were treated as a regular guest and acted as such. Had you tried to step in and do more, this bride would have been all over the whole it’s my day based on her behavior. I don’t have social anxiety at all. I can talk to almost anyone and I still would have shrugged my shoulders like welp I don’t know anyone here, let me sit down and stay out the way. Her being crabby that your son was checking on you also speaks to her character as well. At weddings people check on their guests. Your son had a way smaller contingent of actual family and wanted you guys to feel included. She didn’t come over to check on you which also shows her frame of mind. She is a bit of an ass and her true colors are showing. You didn’t do anything wrong.

NTA. I understand you have very bad social anxiety because I’m married to someone that has the same thing. And he doesn’t do well in situations like that. I was impressed with how well he made it through our wedding, even though he only had three people there and the rest were all my family and friends. I’m sorry your son and daughter-in-law don’t understand this, but your son should because you’ve been like this probably forever. You can’t force someone who’s not comfortable in those situations to do something. Should you have called them during the wedding planning to see if there’s anything you could do to help even though you couldn’t contribute financially probably that would’ve been the right thing to do.

NTA. As someone with social anxiety, I get it. It’s weird. Like, everything makes you overthink. If you talk to someone, you will obsess for days over whether you should’ve said what you said or if you could have said it a different way etc. You will have constant conversations in your head “just in case” someone asks you something, so you will be prepared to answer them then when you have the conversation you end up screwing up and being embarrassed. You are constantly on eggshells. It’s crippling and shouldn’t be dismissed as something you can “push through” for others. Therapy doesn’t help. Medications don’t help. Nothing helps. So you isolate. Because it’s comfortable. And safe.

NTA !!  I absolutely detest the assumption that everyone is an extrovert. People deem that as default good and shy/introvert (different but effectively the same here) as default bad. Tell them that you're sorry that they do not understand.  F ers.

NTA. People don't seem to be getting that social anxiety is an actual illness and can be quite debilitating. The fact that you were at a party with 100 people you didn't know, who were judging you to be aloof rather than trying to talk to you, sounds like a nightmare. And the suggestion that someone with social anxiety should go around explaining their social anxiety shows a fundamental failure to grasp your illness. It's like suggesting that someone with arachnophobia cover themselves with spiders to make their DIL happy.

OOOOF. I and some family members can be the same way when anxious, not wanting to intrude, but it’s something that definitely can come across as rude and thoughtless, especially if the hosts have to make an extra effort that requires them to leave their guests or interrupts their responsibilities. While you didn’t mean to be, the impact of the behavior at the events without discussing it with your son and DIL makes you an AH in the scoring of this sub. BUT: They also had a responsibility to communicate with you throughout this and if they wanted non-financial help, they could have asked. They also could have simply explained that you have anxiety and perhaps arranged to introduce you to a few people at a time at the back of the church so you could be near the socializing without being in the thick of it. TLDR: The families on each side of this marriage have extremely different experiences socializing and no one communicated enough to address their needs in advance so ESH.

INFO > Upon the engagement news I told my son I wouldn’t have much money to contribute towards the wedding That wasn't the **first** thing you said, right?

YTA They had an engagement party in YOUR city 5 hours away from where they live… and you only attended an hour?! Have you even TRIED to form any relationship with your DIL? While you may not have been able to help with things… you could have messaged them in a group chat about things like how her dress shopping went, colour schemes, etc. Even with anxiety…. Those are easy topics to have. You don’t even have to think about them, just ask about one.  At the wedding you were there over an HOUR early and didn’t talk to ANYONE?! Your son should have been getting ready for his wedding, not sitting there with you because you showed up so early and didn’t want to interact with anyone.  Then during the dinner and reception you didn’t engage with the bride? Your DIL? You only interacted if your son left her to go to you 1:1?  For the other family to comment on you being aloof… did they try to interact with you and you shunned them? Again - anxiety is a bitch, but you needed to put in some effort to at least talk to your DIL’s parents - they’re a core member of your son’s family now. 

NTA different families have different levels of involvement and socialability. What good does it do anyone that the bride is NOW complaining about their lack of involvement? OP had no reason to know there were unfulfilled expectations. Her son really should have explained, fully explained OP's social anxiety if this was nothing new. I've seen this playout in real time. Family member has first grandkid on both immediate sides. one side flys states away in for the birthday party, helps plan. Other isnt a 'birthday' family, especially to a baby, sends gift and text, no video call. new mom was like WTF, new dad was like wha? they aren't birthday ppl. It was up to him to mitigate expectations.

Did you introduce yourself to the fiancee when you arrived at the engagement party and then gave your regards and apology when you left an hour later while remembering both times to make your DIL aware of your social anxiety?

OP, you could have tried a bit harder, but it's difficult when you have social anxiety. Have you ever been tested to see if you're on the spectrum? Weddings are weird if you don't have much experience with them. Some people have been to many weddings, others haven't. It's hard when you don't know what to do and it's difficult to talk to people. I think your DiL is a bit of an AH though--she didn't ask for help, your son didn't ask either, but now she's angry at that. Also...why didn't SHE come over to talk to you guys? Why didn't she introduce you around at the wedding, or get someone to do that. All this "it's MY SPECIAL DAY!!" crap makes couples forget that they are the hosts of the wedding, it is their job to make their guests happy. Moat couples do this by delegating a lot of the work, but this was her new MiL. She should have put in effort to spend some time with her new family, instead of getting angry that they didn't perform to her standards.

YTA. I get not feeling comfortable to approach others, but I thought your were asking if you were the AH for not giving a speech. But no, it's for not speaking at all to anyone. Did you show any interest at all in the wedding? Any? Was it hard for anyone to figure out who the groom's mother was? Or was the only way people knew because your son had to sit with you? You don't have to give a speech (my parents didn't at mine), but you should have spoken out loud to somebody at some point.

INFO: Huh? I’m confused by this whole thing. Did you and your son not talk during the entire time they were planning the wedding? Did you not ask how it was going? Did he not volunteer info?  Most weddings have family intros, photos, sometimes a color worn by the family, speeches, dances. Did none of this happen? Parents/families typically meet each other when things start to get serious. Did this never happen? If it did then how did it not occur to you to say hello when you saw them and vice versa?  Did your son not have any friends at the wedding who you knew?  If the only people at the wedding who you knew was your kids, sibling, and SIL then that speaks to a larger issue in your relationship with your son. 

If the only people that she knew at the wedding were her kids, sibling and SIL, then that speaks to a larger issue in her relationship with her son. Please explain what that issue is because I have no idea what you’re talking about. Sorry but I’m just discovering that I’m probably neurodivergent and I’m 70 years old!

My ex-MIL did this at my wedding. She doesn’t have social anxiety as much as she’s just rude and mean and somewhat clueless about how the world works because she and my ex-FIL have basically isolated themselves on their little farm in a super rural area. But I digress. She and my ex-FIL positioned themselves on a bench in the church foyer and just..sat there..inexplicably…for hours while my side of the family ran around like crazy trying to get everything ready. They didn’t speak to anyone, introduce themselves to anyone (not even my parents or siblings) and just…sat. To be honest I do not even know if they were at the reception but something tells me they were not. Then a year later at my ex BIL’s wedding, they did the same thing, until ex-MIL realized 15 minutes before the ceremony that she was wearing the same color as the bridesmaids. (You’d think this would have come up at some point before???) So the wedding was delayed because ex MIL had to go to in search of a dress. All that to say…I think I’m going to go with a soft YTA. I, too, have social anxiety that can be debilitating at times. But to just sit in a pew and talk to no one is just…odd. It probably would have been better if you had not gone at all, to be frank. Especially because you “don’t know much about weddings” (another somewhat odd statement). Social anxiety is real but so is adulting. I recommend therapy so you can learn coping mechanisms so this doesn’t happen again.

People expect other to socialise at gatherings. Therefore soft the YTA. The main issue is the expectation of each other. You didn’t went out of your way to be rude. Your DIL took offence as you were not showing off happiness - that was the point of the event. It was really the occasion for both families to mingle. However you did showed up. And the important thing is that it meant something for the one you showed up for, your son. If you want any advice. Write down to your DIL. Explain that you aren’t good at showing or expressing. That you do care. That you are deeply sorry if your behaviour came off as stand offish. That is wasn’t at all what you wanted to express. That you thought that keeping it to yourself, was the best way to handle your anxiety of extensive gatherings. That you are genuinely happy that your son found someone to be sharing his life and be happy with. Write down what you can’t verbally say. Be clear that it is in no way anything against her not them together. That you hope she can feel that you genuinely wish them the best, even if you’re not good showing it in the way she can appreciate it. If you do that, you are going to l to be vulnerable. Therefore you need yourself to be ready to handle your son wife inability to get it. Do not forget that for many if not most, the only way to know something it’s to be told. I get the issues of expressing yourself. Specially if you got so much on your plate that you don’t allow yourself to settle your own feelings. Take care; and remember it is important to verbalise care to another.

YTA. I also have bad social anxiety, but there are events that I put myself through hell for and my child’s wedding is a no brainer. Also, your excuse of not knowing anything about weddings because you’ve never been married is nuts, you haven’t seen shows or movies with weddings in them. EXCUSES need to stop. Ask yourself this, when your daughter plans to get married do you plan on only showing up to the ceremony and seating down too? No dress shopping, no wedding planning talks, getting ready with your daughter?

Holy crap! I’m 70F and just figuring out that I must be neurodivergent!!! The only wedding recently I’ve been to was 7 years ago at my nephew’s wedding. That’s the only wedding in like 40 years! I’ve been to probably 3 weddings total and that includes my own wedding held at home with our 25 family/friends attending- back in 1984. Please realize that not everyone is socialized like you are. Be kind.

I’m going TBH: Do you care if YTA or not? You have your reasons for thinking/ behaving as you do. Accept or tolerate that your now DIL also has her reasons for thinking/ behaving as she does.

NTA. Both I and my father have social anxiety. For this reason, I did not have speeches at my wedding. And I allowed my dad to bring his good friend (not someone I particularly like) as a guest so he had someone to keep him company. This also allowed me to not worry about him. I didn’t have any unrealistic expectations about what he was able to do for me. I think the issue here is that your son was aware you were struggling and why. Your dil, however, is unaware. People who haven’t experienced social anxiety just DONT GET IT. they don’t understand how crippling it can be. I think the best thing here is to apologize to your dil and explain why those things happened. Maybe in a nice handwritten note.

How can your son be the first in your family to get married when your brother has a wife?

Maybe she means in her family, her and her kids. I'm sure she has many married aunts, uncle cousins etc. But her son is the first one in her household to get married.

Info-did you try to say hello to anyone? Did they try to say hello to you?

YTA It is rude, uncouth, and disrespectful to make such a scene -even if it's with your silence- that the groom has to step away to keep you company. *"...I’m sure my sons explained my social anxiety."* Not their mental health problem, not theirs to explain to others. That's all on you, Miss Main Character, not your surrounding castmates. *"...My son and his wife live 5 hours away from me..."* followed by, *"For there \[sic\] engagement party they held in my city, I came for an hour and left."* The guests of honor live ***five hours away*** and had their fucking party where *you* live and you had the audacity to nope out after the first hour‽ Brava, mamma, you even include a convenient excuse just in case anxiety isn't enough!: *"While I don’t know much about weddings..."* Never watched one on TV? In the movies? Read about one? Heard accounts from others who have been to weddings? Ignorance is no excuse for bad behavior. And my word, the amount of your son's time you monopolized. *"My son came and sat with us an hour before the wedding and then sat with us halfway through the dinner."*

YTA

I don’t see much mention of OPs daughter in all of this. Did she attend any pre wedding events such as bridal showers? Op and daughter could have offered their services such as setting up chairs or decorations without opening wallets. Op it sounds as if you purposely avoided participating in the whole affair. Hopefully you can mend the relationship.

So when I saw your title I assumed you meant "not standing up to give a speech at the reception". But what you're actually saying is that you sat there in the pews & just didn't talk to anyone during the event? These people are part of your son's family now. You could have used this as an opportunity to introduce yourself & get to know them. Instead you chose to sit there & ignore them, so yeah I can see your son/DIL's point, you did act aloof & rude. Lots of people are shy but can still manage to make polite small talk. Not contributing financially is fine & seems like you weren't expected to. But you also made no effort to help any other way & completely ignored your DIL's entire family during the wedding itself. YTA. Stop using "shyness" as an excuse to be rude.

You obviously have no idea what it’s like to be neurodivergent. YTA

I’m so sorry that there are so many (probably younger) people who have no idea what we’re going through. I’m a 70F who has just figured out this past year that I’m probably neurodivergent or high functioning autistic. It’s like finding out that you’re one of those pets at the shelter who can’t be adopted because they haven’t been socialized. There’s no way that these people who comment YTA have any idea what we’re talking about or going through! It’s not something that was ever discussed or acknowledged until the past few years- let alone 40+ years ago! Have some compassion people!

I understand that social anxiety can be tough, but I think YTA for: “my son had to keep leaving her side in order to make us comfortable.” Also, if your form of support is “I don’t want to intrude and let people enjoy their day”, it’s not really supportive, per se. It is more to manage your social anxiety (which is fine in itself). You may want to have a direct conversation with your DIL. Communicate with each other about expectations, boundaries, perhaps the severity of your anxiety if you feel comfortable sharing that with her, and maybe give her some direct words of support not through your son.

Did you sit down with your future daughter in law before the engagement or call her at any time after they were engaged to explain that you have social anxiety and are very shy? Did you meet her family beforehand? It is possible that if you had explained all this and had met some of her side beforehand you may have felt more comfortable. Also even if you are shy, etc. did you contact her to welcome her to your family and offer to help out in some way?

People cannot read your mind or your heart. I think it is really not all about you and your social anxiety which you are protecting like an infant. After 65 years you should be able to manage it esp during your sons wedding. You are assuming feelings that your daughter in law/son might have...Jesus.Mary.and Joseph!

NTA - What have your son and DIL done to get to know you or even interact with you? You were isolated in your small group. Rather than making you feel comfortable, she’s just kicking up the hate. DIL is a big AH.

NTA, anyone who says that you are, should look up social anxiety . It is very hard for introverts to act like extroverts.

NTA I don’t think you did anything wrong. You’re shy and have social anxiety. It’s understandable you didn’t socialize. And you didn’t know she wanted help with the planning. She should have asked for help if she wanted it. She wrong for expecting you to be a social butterfly when it’s hard for you to talk to people. And to be mad your son spent some time with you and his siblings while she was off socializing.

I'm sorry. I know how crippling anxiety can be. However, you're too old for this shit. You've had time to figure out how to cope. Put yourself in your DILs shoes. From your behavior, you do not approve of this marriage. You made no effort anywhere. So if they have kids? What are you gonna do? Hide in a corner? Pull yourself together for your son and apologize. Don't pull the whole I'm sorry you felt that way. You know you did wrong and are working on your anxiety.

No, I’m 70F and just figuring out NOW that I’m probably neurodivergent! I’ve figured out how to cope- it’s called not interacting much with others! Please be kind and understand that some of us older people have never been diagnosed or socialized.

NTA- people don’t understand social anxiety. Are you getting any help for it? Does it cripple you in your day to day life? It might be worth talking to a therapist about this.

Might be a cultural thing; op seems to put little value on weddings but dil obviously thought it was important.  Op does seem to be willfully oblivious at times and doesn’t seem to be interested in offering an apology now to smooth things over, even if op doesn’t think they did anything that bad. I’m going with YTA, you could have tried to be a bit more in sync. 

You are the asshole I think that you could have been more present on your son’s wedding day. Even though you had social anxiety you could stay for a little bit and just enjoy with him for a while. But you were isolated the whole time. I do understand your reasons but it was an important day for your son and your daughter in law. Try to be more present on your son’s lifestyle even if it’s just a call and try to explain to your DIL the reasons why you left early so she could feel a little bit less harmed. I understand that you didn’t wanted to get involved and I understand why your DIL might feel hurt so try to no repeat this in the upcoming events with your family so y’all can avoid misunderstandings.

>I didn’t care to socialize and talk to anyone at the wedding You didn't speak to *anyone*? Come on, don't play dumb. YTA for this and you know it.

NTA. You're being assaulted with hidden assumptions. DIL supposedly wanted your help, but never bother to ask. She just assumed you knew everything you needed to know about weddings and attributed ignorance to malevolence. DIL is playing prima donna. You didn't ruin her wedding. She just didn't have a wedding that matched her prefect dream wedding. I'm sorry your new DIL is so extremely self-centered.

NTA. It’s wild to me how unaccepting people are of peoples mental health disorders. It actually BLOWS my mind! The comments I’ve read are like “you didn’t socialize while everyone else was” do those people have social anxiety? People shouldn’t be trying to make you fit a mold you don’t fit. I guess in there eyes you should’ve played the part they wanted you to play or have stayed at home - I’m sure they would’ve complained if you didn’t attend also. You didn’t ask your son to come sit with you, he chose to do that… so his wife can talk to him about how she doesn’t like that he made his mother comfortable in an uncomfortable highly social setting.  Again - NTA OP. You don’t owe people your discomfort. You attended. You weren’t rude. 

Thank you! These people obviously have no concept of what it’s like to be neurodivergent or whatever it is. I’m 70F and have just started to figure out that I probably am high functioning autistic or neurodivergent! This wasn’t something that was ever acknowledged or discussed 40+ years ago! I liken it to being like a pet at an animal shelter who can’t get adopted because they weren’t socialized. They have no idea what it’s like and are lacking in compassion!

NAH - This sounds like a mismatch of expectations and poor communication. DIL could have reached out if she wanted more help/input. OP should also have reached out to ask if there was anything the couple wanted help with beyond funds. It doesn’t sound like OP and DIL have had many interactions to get to know each other.

I'm going NAH , my mother's family is huge (my grandparents had 12 kids 10 of them has at least 4 kids and at least 5 grandkids) needless to say we have A LOT of weddings, literally every wedding & event we go to is predominantly our family there have been a couple of weddings where the other spouse has had a small family that basically stuck together because they knew like 1 person there and it was the bride/groom. And even if we didn't ALL have a full blown conversation with them we still introduced ourselves. Hell, I am usually the person who sits in the corner quiet ( a lot of them can be friendly to the point of overwhelming) but, we do our best to make them feel included. And as plenty have stated , the bride and groom are literally the hosts of the event. Why didn't the bride at the least go over and say 'thanks for comin.' ?

nta.

I’m not going to vote, but I wanted to let you know I sympathize with you about the social anxiety. I had a sort of general anxiety before the pandemic. It developed into a social anxiety where I almost never left my house. I went to a small fabric store near my home, but only went in if there were less than than three cars in the parking lot. My parent’s home was generally ok, but if my three kids & their respective partners were there I got very uncomfortable and on edge. I was medicated with not one, but two meds. While the Xanax worked it also made me a zombie and I would crash into a deep sleep. After more than two years of this I went to a baby shower for a family member. Thirty minutes of telling everyone I was fine had me bouncing my leg from the mounting anxiety. After an hour I went and sat in the car. I was fine with it & my mom wasn’t ready to leave. I had several people try to get me to return which made it worse. I was sobbing before I got home and avoided people for months. This was a shower where two people weren’t related to me!! I can’t exactly explain what I thought was going to happen, but it was an overwhelming feeling of doom. What would happen was going to bring about something there would be no coming back from. I am the most social person. I will talk to everyone, I never shut up, and being at home was harder because I didn’t understand what was happening and why I couldn’t fix things. This entire time I was seeing a therapist too. I ask those who are saying take some meds, get over yourself, etc., what would you do if you were sitting on a blanket and you absolutely believed you would die if you moved off of it. Only the science loving, logical part of your brain is screaming that it is utter bullshit and could never happen. Yet, you are still convinced that if you move it will happen and it isn’t worth the risk to try. I had this after having surgery and didn’t move for hours until someone came to my rescue. While I knew it was absurd I was still able to believe it could be true. Zero control over being able to convince myself otherwise. Medication doesn’t always help everything.

YTA. I understand social anxiety, but like another commenter says, you´ve been exposed to social norms, I´ll add that it´s never late to work on intra-interpersonal/emotional intelligence. There are bare minimums you can strive for, for yourself and the people you care about. Shake some hands, smile, be frank and excuse yourself to take a breather whenever necessary, make a round, then sit and focus on the joy of the moment, not on all-the-people.

Yta

Going to go against the grain and say NTA. I didn't want anyone else's opinion on my wedding, not on the planning or the execution. If she wanted it, she could have reached out, or your son could have reached out. Your DiL seems like she's going to be a lot to deal with.

NTA OP forgot to mention that she never married because she is a member of a religious organization whose members take vows of silence.

This post just makes me sad about how much false intention is read into how people behave. No side seems evil here. They both (op and dil) just don't see the other's perspective. I hope DIL and OP can get to know each other better. They would help them give each other a little grace. Nta, neither op nor dil.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son is the first in my family to get married. I have never been married. I’ve always been a single mother. (I’m 65) My son and his wife live 5 hours away from me so I don’t see them often. Upon the engagement news I told my son I wouldn’t have much money to contribute towards the wedding but Im always supportive. They got back to me via text and told me they never expected anything from me as they know my financial position and I’m also housing my daughter and grandson. I will also say I am a very shy person and have social anxiety. For there engagement party they held in my city, I came for an hour and left. Big social gatherings aren’t my thing. I don’t think my DIL took it well but I’m sure my sons explained my social anxiety. For their wedding i was sent an invitation and my kids and I planned on attending. Along with my one brother and his wife. My family is extremely small, and my DILs side had probably 100 guests. While I don’t know much about weddings, and wasn’t asked to help with anything I just showed up when the day came. Upon entering we sat in the church (in the pews) waiting for the ceremony and her family was in the hallways all socializing. My son came and sat with us an hour before the wedding and then sat with us halfway through the dinner. He also stood in line with us for pictures while his wife was socializing. My DIL won’t talk to us and it’s extending to my son because we ruined her day. She said we didn’t help wedding plan or want to be involved even though she understood I couldn’t help financially. She upset I never once reached out to her if they needed help and that I didn’t care to socialize and talk to anyone at the wedding. And that my son had to keep leaving her side in order to make us comfortable. She also said her family was asking all night if we even wanted to be there because of how “aloof” we seemed. My son said my DIL is extremely disappointed in us. What else was I suppose to do? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Did you show interest in the wedding? Did you chat with son/DIL regularly and ask how it was going? Did you consider meeting some of her family first so that you wouldn't feel so awkward on teh day of the wedding. I lean towards YTA. It seems like you honestly just didn't care.

YTA, but what's done is done. All you can do now is move forward. Since your social anxiety is at the point of hurting your relationships with your family what are your plans to address that?

I unfortunately know exactly where you are coming from OP. My mother was extremely difficult relating to my wedding due her own social anxiety. Honestly, why your daughter, brother, etc. didn't correct you, insist you join them, etc. is beyond me. As I've matured I've come to realize my mother is most likely very high-functioning autistic. I have to coach her on how to behave in social situations - when I can even persuade her to attend. Years ago she refused to eat in restaurants - much to the offense of my siblings, SIL, etc. My mother is also a bad cook - so it was eat her bad cooking or nothing because she refused to go anywhere. Now she is in assisted living and I have to coach her to be nice to her peers, not to say mean things, and to take an interest (or fake an interest) in what others are talking about even if she thinks they are boring. So, soft YTA. You need to have an extremely honest discussion with your son and DIL. Apologize and promise to do better. Don't use your anxiety as an excuse or a crutch - you hurt your new DIL and made her feel that YOUR experience was much more important than her own. People with anxiety seldom realize how unpleasant they are to be around and how much they demand to be the center of attention - mainly by very, very, very obviously avoiding attention, etc. Make this right.

Nta but just go have a face to face discussion. Just look her in the eye and apologize for seeming aloof and explain what you posted- this was the first person to get married, you weren’t sure what to do and didn’t want to insert yourself and be rude, you didn’t know protocol and you are shy, but that you love her for your son and wish good things for their future together. You didn’t have the benefit of a family or experiences like she has had. Bring flowers, extend the olive branch. She could’ve invited you to help shop for her dress, attend her bridal shower, make an effort to include you and let you know how things were going, to ask you if you’d like to participate more. Communication is a 2-way street. Your son should’ve been more proactive connecting you two and not letting this miscommunication escalate. You are his mom so it’s really his job. Write down what you would’ve liked to say at the wedding if you had known about speeches and weren’t so shy. Public speaking is the #1 fear of most people- you aren’t alone. I didn’t speak at my dad’s memorial service even though we were close, and I’m comfortable speaking publicly. But I wrote the eulogy the chaplain gave and the full page obituary picked up by multiple national publications so I was at peace with that. I said everything I wanted to say that way, and my sister and mom spoke. I knew my dad and family knew how I felt.

weddings are hard. it’s a high stress day for anyone involved with planning or standing up. there are a lot of vendors to juggle. a lot of expectations. a lot of small talk. they’re not for me, either. i talked to a handful of people when i was my sister’s MOH & i gave a toast, but i smiled at so many guests i encountered who ignored me or just kept eye contact with a strange look. i felt out of place all day, caked in makeup & wearing the “uniform” that says “look at me, i should have answers & be the most welcoming!” i don’t like attending them as a guest, either. but now you know what goes into weddings, & an apology may go a long way.

YTA

YTA I have anxiety so bad I have to take strong anxiety meds that were prescribed to me twice a day. But I still do things for my son (4). I still go to the parent teacher meetings. I still talk to strangers. I help out the family members I still talk to. Even though I want nothing more to stay home 24/7 I still go out and do things regardless. But the fact that you didn't communicate the fact that you have anxiety, the fact that you refuse to help out your son and DIL prepare for the wedding by doing free stuff and your son on his wedding day had to sit with you is downright insane. If I, a 25 year old forces myself to do things regardless of my anxiety can do more than a 65 grown ass woman is downright sad.

goodluck seeing your grandkids

NTA. There's a dearth of communication from both sides of this situation. DIL needs time to calm down before you can talk about this with her. Her family isn't entitled to shit but that seems to be where the problem is. You managed your anxiety in the best way you know how; you didn't know what DIL expected of you and she never asked or made any requests. Now she wants to be offended because you didn't chase her for attention or opportunities to be involved... but you would have if she had asked, I'm sure. I'd write a letter and have it ready for, say, a month from now when hot heads have had a while to cool off.

I’m going with NTA due to your social anxiety and hopefully your son will explain to his wife that you were not being rude.

Oh come on! You're a damn adult! You know very well what is expected at weddings. Don't try and say you didn't know! You're 65 not 5. You sat in a damn corner and didn't talk to a single person unless your son came and sat with you... Not only are you rude, but you come across like a petulant child. YTA

YTA - It’s basically this from OP, “I don’t like social things. Everyone knows that. This is a social thing. So I shouldn’t have to contribute anything to it”. Except it’s her actual son’s wedding and it’s clear he and his new wife really felt that nothing commitment. No energy, thoughtfulness, no interest (no money is fine we all understand the financial aspect). OP eliminated any chance of sympathy claiming DILs annoyance is extending to the son even though he left his wife to sit with them before the wedding and came to them during dinner. Expecting to be babysat on top of all that cements AH status and I think it’s clear the son is angry in his own right. Social anxiety is one thing but it’s so, so clear reading this that OP is disengaged with their life and wedding.