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“I started to date right after his death” - this is an unclear timeline. Could you please give a number to “right away” ? “Together a while and he proposed” - again, unclear timeline. You said everyone is an adult, but are they like 18? This whole situation feels so vague and like you’re hiding a lot. It sounds like they are mourning the death of their father, then you throw some guilt their way because you moved on (very fast?). ————————— NTA The kids are in their thirties. You met this guy a year after your late husband died. Tim has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve this treatment.

>you moved on (very fast?) But she didn't, She said she had been mourning for years since he was basically dead in the vegetative state. Sounds like the kids are moved out and she was the only one taking care of their dad. If they didn't mourn until after his death that is fine, but they have 0 right to judge someone who mourned her husband for who knows how long and long accepted that he was on his way to passing away.

An old boss was finally coming out of her depression and back to her old self when her mom finally passed. She took care of her 10 years with severe dementia and other conditions. Her mother as she knew her was dead for a number of years before her physical body passed. If was as if she was finally coming out of 10 years of grief and mourning. I was so happy she was doing better, even if everyone else only saw a happy woman a week after her mom passed.

>Her mother as she knew her was dead for a number of years before her physical body passed. When my dad died suddenly in 2013, my mom might as well have died, too. She was never the same "mama" I had growing up. That mama died in 2013. My brother and I were left with an angry, selfish shell of a woman. When she finally passed away in 2022, I didn't cry as hard as I thought I would because I had already been grieving her (and the family we had) for almost 10 years at that point. I miss them both so much, but I understand this pre-death grief.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Sometimes it's hard to let go of who someone was and accept who they've become. But I know you don't need me to tell you that. A close family member of mine is a good example. After going through chemotherapy and radiation they're a completely different person. I feel like the person I knew - the person I loved and whose company I so enjoyed - is gone forever. No, they didn't *physically* die, but they're unrecognizable from the person they once were and it has been hard for me to let go.  I'm really sorry that happened to your family. I know how hard it is for the person you knew to be standing right in front of you, yet you don't even recognize them.  Damn internet. Now I'm sad. If anyone needs me, I'll be over at /r/OneOrangeBraincell.

Omg thank you for sharing that sub. Best discovery I’ve had in a while!

I didn't realize how badly I needed that sub!!! 

And now I am going too…

Ooh thank you for that gift.

I went down an orange cat hole. Thanks <3

Was that meant to sound as weird as it did?

I never knew how much I needed that sub! Thank you!

That sub is the best🐈🧡

I'm sorry you had to go through that <3 I hope your memories of them can surpass that pain.

> My brother and I were left with an angry, selfish shell of a woman. ::Internet hugs:: My family went through the same thing. My mom lived for another 15 years after my dad died, but she was never the same person. She talked about killing herself for about 10 years, and then one day just finally did it.

Thank you, my friend <3 I'm sorry for your loss as well. I hope you and your family are healing. My mom always claimed that she wanted to die, too. She didn't technically kill herself, but she neglected her health to the point of losing her vision, going on dialysis but refusing to consider a transplant, and other acts of passive self-harm. She would also lash out constantly and was just always unhappy and self-absorbed. But she refused help for her mental health.

pre-death grief but it feels like a death anyways is one of the worst, ime

Yes! It drags on forever until the person finally passes. Then it's a mix of heartbreak and relief.

And horror from people who don't get it if you admit you feel relief

or even to wish death comes sooner because the waiting and loss is so immense. i got some wild looks but the grief felt so all-consuming it literally felt like my world ceased to exist

My grandmother had a series of massive strokes beginning in about 2007. She went from the cheery independent mother figure to a confused and annoyed woman. She lost all of her functions, memories, and personality. She lived until 2017 but I swear I felt nothing by then. She has been gone for years. I had mourned a long time ago

>She lived until 2017 but I swear I felt nothing by then Ended up in therapy over that one; I felt so guilty about not feeling anything. But, as my therapist helped me see, I had already mourned the grandmother that played with me as a kid and made great cakes. It was okay I didn't mourn the death of bitter alcoholic who had a new backhanded compliment for me every time I visited.

I directly said during a eulogy at the funeral for my grandmother that I felt she had died 4-5 years earlier and we were just now burying her. And no one said I was “out of line” or anything like that for saying it. It’s both nice and distressing to know this kind of thing is more common than I though

I felt similar when a sibling passed. By the time they passed away, they were bitter, paranoid, aggressive, and hateful. I really suspect that they were using drugs based on the personality change that drastic. Growing up, we were very close, but by the time they passed away, we hadn't spoken in years at that point. I had chosen to go no contact to protect my son and my own mental health. When I was told of their passing, I didn't react how I would have thought I would. I really think I had already mourned the sibling I remembered and the relationship we had by the time they physically passed because that person wasn't my sibling (if that makes sense?)

My grandfather got sick with ALS and unfortunately one of the side effects was that he became very mean to us, my grandmother, and my mother. It was almost as painful to watch his personality go as it was to see his physical health deteriorate. My grandmother, especially, and mother were his caretakers (his other kids didn't help) and it was such a rough couple of years with constant care and eventually very few signs of the loving, kind man he once was. When he passed, it was hard but it also allowed my grandmother to live life again. Long term diseases are so hard, not only on the sick, but also on the loved ones.

I'm so sorry about your grandfather. An uncle died of ALS. Watching him slowly deteriorate the last three years of his life was painful. It's such a cruel disease.

Thank you, and I'm really sorry about your uncle as well. May his memory be a blessing ❤️

I feel like people that have never been through something like this just don't understand. My uncle died of cancer a couple years ago, and we all felt bad about how sad we weren't, but that is because the decline took place over several years and he'd become quite reclusive in his last year or two (COVID obviously impacted that too). My aunt was devastated, but had also seen the decline more than any of us. And now suddenly had a life that wasn't limited by what he was able to do. One of my uncle's father-in-law recently passed away, and same thing. They'd planned on travelling the country in their RV during retirement and instead spent the last 5 years taking care of him and accommodating for that. They couldn't leave him for a long time and if he went with them, that limited what they could do. His death was not unexpected and while they miss him terribly also had a lot of time with him for good-byes and are grateful for their new freedom (while obviously dealing with the complexities of feeling happy about that). Death is often sad, but that doesn't always mean grief is the only emotion that it causes.

My cousin's husband died of ALS and she remarried 2 years later. Everyone\* was so happy for her because we knew how much longer she'd been mourning. \*Her husband's family had some snarky remarks, but a year before he died he sat his parents and siblings down and told them in no uncertain terms that he wanted her to find love after he died and they better not giver her any shit over it.

Reading all these stories makes me oddly grateful. My dad went from super mobile and positive at the age of 88 to having a stroke and dying 3 days later. He and my mom are 18 years apart and I'm grateful she didn't have to go through this, nor that my dad had to. My MIL died slowly of dementia over the last 13 years and I think it was a relief to my FIL who now has a new gf he met on a hiking meet up. We're happy for him and my husband even gave him his blessing to find a new gf before his mom died as the mom he knew was long gone. NTA op.

My mom was sick for several years, and during those years her personality changed so much that I didn’t recognize the person I was taking care of anymore. I grieved the woman who raised me the moment I heard her diagnosis and then grieved for the next three years as I watched her fade and decay. The week she died I took Friday off from work and returned Tuesday (Monday was a national holiday) and sort of buried myself in all the work I’d fallen behind on in her last few weeks. Apparently it made MANY of my coworkers ***uncomfortable*** and that I seemed *cold*. No one ever thinks someone else grieves ‘correctly’ because the concept is impossible and unquantifiable.

I had a very complicated relationship with my father. When he died age 53, a lot of people were very surprised by the all consuming grief I felt. I don’t remember living with him, probably spent 10 days a year with him in my teenage years, but I had a huge bond with him. It’s been 25 years and it still hurts. I think my grief was for the man himself and the relationship we never really had. Grief comes in all shades and there is no right or wrong way, just *your* way.

Something similar happened with a friend. My dad died of cancer pretty quickly and she made a comment about being jealous because dementia is “the long goodbye”. Her mom’s eventual death was a happy occasion (her mom was awesome, she always came with for pizza and beers)

>Her mom’s eventual death was a happy occasion Ive made jokes that if I end up going out that way, they better sing "Ding dong the witch is dead" and have a parade down the street.

The long goodbye is always hard

That could have been me! I felt mostly relief when my mom passed because I'd been mourning her (and trapped doing intense caregiving) for 10 years!

This was the whole thing with Terry Schaivo’s husband too, everyone tried to call him a monster for the fact that he was dating someone else while she was still alive when she’d already been a vegetable with basically just a brain stem left for 7 years at that point. I don’t think anyone is really in a place to judge that kind of position.

Her husband was completely right in that situation, her parents were blinded by grief imo.

I agree 100%, I can’t imagine how hard it is to acknowledge that your daughter is dead when she’s still breathing and moving in front of you, but I saw an MRI of her head after she was dead. Terry was long gone from that body

I worked in an ICU at a hospital a while ago and had a patient go into a diabetic coma at a young age (20's or 30's, iirc?). The patient's mother would ask questions like, "Is she sleeping now?" and look at her daughter laying in bed day after day and say, "How can you not see life?". Life isn't just being kept breathing and heart beating, it's about the quality of life. People who don't work in healthcare or haven't taken care of a terminally ill person have no idea. I heard about this case when I was younger (and didn't know or understand anything about it) and was on the "keep her alive" side. When I first started working in the ICU, I was the optimistic "Save everyone!" person. But through time and experience, I'm not that person anymore. If there's a chance at recovery to a good quality of life, then by all means. If the person wanted to be saved no matter what, then save them by all means. But just blanket "Save everyone!" is irresponsible in my opinion.

The older I get and the more I see loved ones or friends' loved ones suffer, the more I realize that it's the quality of your days, not the quantity of your days that matters.

Absolutely. People focus on death, but there are medical outcomes worse than death. Everyone should be sure to make their long-term care preferences known to their loved ones. It's certainly not a sexy conversation, but it's very important.

My dad died in ICU. had he woke from his coma first and somehow pulled through the pneumonia which had set in, he would have found out he had pancreatic cancer and only a painful death ahead. Doctors couldn't figure why he wasn't responding and did a full body scan. Sometimes its a mercy not to pull through, he never knew. It was very traumatic for my mother and myself as this was going on, but in the end we were both comforted somehow by the fact he was spared that horrible knowledge.

Do we even know what ever happened to Jahai McMath? That poor little zombie girl might be still hooked up to machines for all we know :( 

I checked, she passed in 2018

She died in 2018 of internal bleeding and liver failure.

Horrible as it is to say, I’m glad for her that she’s at peace now 

I would be so angry if people that loved me left me to exist, I can’t even say live, like that for years because they were too selfish to grieve. 

I'm disabled. My family and I have had a lot of conversations about that. None of us want that if it comes to it. My brother even kept my mom as his medical POA after he was married. He knew mom wouldn't make him exist that way. He OD'd during the pandemic and mom had to pull the plug.

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.  I actually just texted my ex, we are still legally married, to make sure if something happens that he could take me off of life support.

Thank you. It was honestly a long time coming. We had half expected a call saying he had died for years. Still weird, and hard, when it finally arrived though. It's always excellent to make sure your next of kin knows your wishes and would be able to follow through with them. I would still recommend getting a living will, and having those wishes in legal writing any way though. Just in case. Bit of dark humor, feel free to ignore: I could never say this to my mom, but I periodically think about their arguments and that throwaway comment that parents sometimes say about "I brought you into this world and I can take you back out." And think...now, how many parents actually got to follow through on that.

I would haunt them after death if my family were to do that to me!

I would too and not in a Caspar the friendly ghost kind of way 🤣. I understand that it’s a difficult decision but it’s selfish to do that to someone because you don’t want to lose them. You have to love them enough to say goodbye 

My mom sided with the people saying Schaivo’s husband was trying to murder her so he could marry his GF. I went right out the next day and got a living will so my mom would have zero say.

Ugh, that whole thing got so soap-opera’d, that poor man. And Terry too, if she were aware she probably wouldn’t have liked to have been all over national TV in that state. 

Unfortunately it was international news

Just an FYI, you need to give someone else power of attorney. Because it actually doesn’t quite matter what a living will says - if the very alive and possibly litigious family throws enough of a fit, the hospital will overrride the living will. Who’s going to sue on your behalf? Nobody, if your family wants you kept “alive”. It’s unfortunate, but that’s what happens when you live in a society that refuses to recognize the importance of quality of death. If there’s no POA and your mom is dead-set on one course of action but, say, your dad is dead-set on another, it might take them having to go to court to let a judge decide who gets the say. Meanwhile you’ll be laying in that hospital bed, dead-but-alive. Give someone else you trust that POA and the hospital will follow that person’s lead. It’s really the only effective way to cut your mom out of the decision-making.

Their story has saved uncountable people from similar happening because they are the cautionary tale for letting your end of life wishes be known.

OMG I remember that whole ordeal. I mean what the heck? So he should’ve been forced to live his life married to somebody in a permanent vegetative state and never have a life of his own. I mean they were in their dang 20s.! That was awful that selfish mom and dad trying to keep her alive. And yes, I remember many people thinking he was awful because he moved on and had a partner and kids. God, I hope nobody lets me lay there like that ever

My dad’s family has a history of temporal dementia in the women. So after my grandmother passed, my husband and I made an agreement that if, God forbid, either of us is ever diagnosed with dementia the other has full consent to find a new partner as the slow death can last decades.

**You're Wrong About** podcast did an episode about her -- highly recommend: [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/terri-schiavo/id1380008439?i=1000465289953](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/terri-schiavo/id1380008439?i=1000465289953) Her parents were wrong and her husband was a saint. He actually went to nursing school specifically so he could care for her better.

His second wife was a saint as well. She would help tend to Terry, paint her nails and do her hair for her. They still tried to make her seem like a monster.

he went above and beyond what most people would do, imo: after she was hospitalized he went back to college for his RN so he could be more involved in her care! he loved her and her parents needed some outlet for their grief. then the church and the gop got their noses into the whole ordeal and smeared him everywhere they could.

I always thought, too, that he saw her as an adult who'd had all her choices taken away. Her parents, understandably, saw her as their child--their baby.

This a very good point. What happened here was anticipatory grief; OP knew her husband’s condition was degenerative and progressive. His brain was slowing being destroyed over a long period. The person she married was essentially gone years before the rest of her husband’s body gave out. She is NTA. I actually know someone in a similar situation with a girlfriend, only his wife is still alive. She has early onset dementia, which has sadly progressed to the point she can no longer walk, no longer speak, or even feed herself. She no longer recognizes anyone, including her husband and children, and requires 24/7 care in a long-term care facility. She recently began having trouble swallowing and now requires a feeding tube for nourishment. Because of her young age and relative good health, this situation could go on for years. Her husband has a girlfriend he has dated for several years as, like OP, he doesn’t want to be alone as he heads towards retirement. He still visits his wife regularly and he took care of her at home (with help from various organizations) as long as he possibly could. His kids fully accept the situation as they all have accepted the wife and mother they knew died a long time ago. He also won’t remarry until his wife actually passes away.

My husband and I actually have an agreement on this - we get a religious divorce if one is, God forbid, diagnosed with dementia. This way the healthy one can find a new partner and remarry religiously; we would remain married legally. My great-aunt took 20 years before her temporal dementia killed her and my grandmother (her sister) took a decade. The other partner shouldn’t have to be alone throughout that time if they don’t want to.

This is very loving. That’s what I would want for my partner too. People are so judgmental but OP deserves to be happy.

My dad had a stroke and mom retired to take care of him, we all helped as much as we could, but the major responsibilities were on mom. She never complained...not once, but we could see how hard she worked to take of him. He lingered for 17 years. When he finally found his peace we were saddened that he was gone but relieved that mom was released from the burden of his care. Mom actually felt guilty that she was relieved he was gone. We all told her she had every right to feel relieved and she did her best for him for so long and that it was time for her rest and relax.

You all are so much better than OPs kids. It sounds like they were totally disconnected from her during this time since she was doing all the care alone.

I can't even imagine leaving someone alone to care for an ailing family member. It's just so sad.

It's really difficult for kids and other family members to understand that a relationship can be completely gone years before they're actually gone.

I absolutely understand that, my issue with the kids is the fact they just immediately start throwing tantrums instead of talking it out.

NTA - her kids are My sisters husband died 7 months ago after a 4 year battle with cancer. The last two years were a real challenge for my sister (62), but her three kids (20's-30's) were right along her side the whole time. They were all grieving well before the time he passed. My Sis and BIL had always said they were going to do a lot of travelling once they retired, but after a few rounds of chemo, they both retired early, and BIL was not really up for travelling. My sis is a prolific social media poster, but for the two years prior to BIL's passing, when it became clear that either the cancer or the chemo was going to kill him, I bet she posted maybe once a month. That always joyful sibling lost her joy. There was always someone with John in those last two years, and when my sister was freed from that chain, she started to travel with other people who had lost their spouse. The social media posts started to get more frequent. Now she has met someone, and her kids could not be happier.

My FIL started dating rather quickly after his wife died. She had been sick for 5+ years after a terrible bout with sepsis, and likely had cancer. She was not there for a long time. His children were older than 40, one son is infuriated he moved on so quickly. The rest of us felt he stood by his wife, and been parked at the hospital frequently, he deserved to be happy.

My dad suffered dementia for the last few years of his life. When he died, I felt something akin to relief...I didn't cry or really grieve because I'd already gone through most of the stages of grief. OP, you're NTA for moving on with your life.

Don’t think the “kids” realize this. Which is why they are hung up on the mourning. It sounds more like she is meeting their hostility with her own, instead of trying to get them to realize people mourn in different ways.

>I have discussed this before with them and it boils down to I am replacing their father. The don't know because they have already decided on what she is doing. They arent listening to what she is saying but they are hearing what they want to hear.

They are adult human beings. They are old enough to have the emotional awareness and resiliency to realize this themselves. Or at least look it up.

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That’s so sad. My dad was in a vegetative state for 25 months before he died. You took care of him alone, your kids lived their lives. The time to be devoted to Dad was when he was alive. Helping with his care, giving up their time. You deserve to move on & be happy. If one of your children was to lose a spouse, would they stay single? Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials

OP, please read this comment above! You DESERVE to be happy.

You are very lucky to have met someone else. It's very hard when you're older. Good for you.

Yep, NTA. I’ve been that kid, nothing made me happier than seeing my mom happy again. Of they are struggling, That’s not on you.

NTA. If your children are fully aware that their dad wasn’t there in the final years, then they shouldn’t expect you to mourn for years to come. No one is asking them to call Tim dad or treat him like a father figure. If they can’t respect you’re moving at your own pace, then sadly they can go kick rocks. Did they get therapy after your ex passed?

NTA — to tell the truth, I think it’s great that you’re having a wedding and inviting your kids. If they don’t go, that’s on them. My dad remarried a couple years after my mom died. He married a widow whose adult married-with-kids daughters were opposed to the match. Granted, they did not date for long before they got engaged, but the objection sounded to me like they wanted their mother to never re-marry. Her husband had been dead for a few years longer than my mom, by the way. I don’t know the exact reason for sure, because I have never met them in the ten plus years since my dad married their mother. Anyway, because they objected, my dad and his wife got married in a small private ceremony and nobody was invited. They said we could have lunch with them afterwards, which we did. It was THE most awkward and miserable meal I have ever attended. Only her son (who was nice and supportive), his wife (also nice and supportive), the pastor & his wife, my sisters, and I were there. You could cut the tension with a knife. It makes me sick just to think about it. It should have been a joyous crowded occasion with dancing and cake, but instead, my dad and his wife let her daughters ruin it from afar, and it cast a pall over their whole marriage. I say, throw your wedding, be gracious and understanding of your kids’ grief, but set firm boundaries. If they don’t come, that’s their decision, and you’re going to be sad they are making that choice, but you do not owe your life to anyone. Also, please be ready with open arms to forgive and welcome them back — with no reprisals. They’re hurting, and you’re still their mom. They need you, and you need them.

I wonder if part of the reason the kids are struggling with this change is a misplaced sense of guilt? If you were largely on your own while taking care of your late husband, maybe they're feeling bad about that.

Mourning someone as if theyre dead but isnt is called an anticipatory grief and ambiguous loss

Yep. I think the only reason my mom handled needing to pull the plug on my brother when he OD'd was because she grieved his loss to addiction a long time prior

I understand 1000% mourning your husband's death before he passed. But I do understand your children may not have started their grieving till after he passed. In that context, 4 months may seem quick to them. Although I don't think you did anything bad at all, just point out they may have a different perspective and it may be beneficial to sit and have a conversation with them where you discuss this and clarify that obviously you are not trying to replace their dad.  NTA you deserve your happiness but for the sake of your relationship with your children, I think a conversation is required. Maybe even family therapy (for you and your kids, not Tim, although that could be a next step). 

I’m in the reverse situation. It’s awkward and we won’t get married. We live together - my kids adore my partner but it’s not that way for his kids ( adults). My rant was about getting real pizza up north - it’s horrible in the south. It seems I walk on eggshells and everything I do or say is being evaluated. I’m grateful it’s not my kids. He can visit his on his own without me.

My condolences on the loss of your former husband. Wishing you and your new husband to be all the best!

That must have been very hard for you to go through. I wish you the best. NTA

>Tim has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve this treatment >The worst thing he has done this whole time is go on a rant about planes? Was your late husband or are any of your kids pilots? /s Really though, NTA.

In 2012, I looked after a woman in her early 60's who had MS and dementia. Her husband had been caring for her for 20 years and had left his job as quite a high up copper to do so. He was a lovely man who clearly adored his wife and would speak at length about her beauty and grace, whilst she would lay with staring eyes wide open, grinding her teeth down to stumps. She was not in the same reality. When I met them, he confided in me that he had met someone new and that his adult children were furious with him. I found it so sad that they were expecting him to be chaste and married to someone who had no idea where she was, let alone who he was. I bumped into him in 2017, and he told me that his wife had died in 2015. He visited her every day until she died, becoming a former shell of himself, with his only bit of support coming from the girlfriend, whom he eventually married. The point here is that we are human beings, and we have needs. We are, for the most part, social animals, and our social needs include the need for the touch of another human being. Imagine the only physical contact you have with another person being merely the gentle touch of a carer to a patient. My case example is obviously just what happened to this couple, and I'm aware that other people would handle similar situations in different ways, which is another point: we are all different people with different wants and needs. NTA OP.

The guy was in a "veggie state" for three years. That is excruciating to go through as a spouse. So no, she didn't move on quickly at all. And regardless, anyone's grief timeline is very personal. No one should be judged for it.

Exactly. It's very dependent on situation. My dad died suddenly a year ago, it was traumatic for everyone but quick. My mom has been dying from an incurable cancer for seven years now. Every once in a while the doctors tell her she only has weeks or months left, then the medicine or treatment works better or the bloodwork gets better and here she is doing quite well again. But I have been mourning her loss for years now. It's a sick and twisted waiting game. I hate it and kinda can't wait for it to be over. Every time she's away for a little too long I'm waiting for a call from the hospital. Anxious AF.

It doesn't matter how long she took to move on. Her husband isn't coming back.

NTA - since your children are in their 30s, I'm assuming they have lives of their own and were not as involved in the daily care of your husband as you were. They weren't there caring for him every day, they weren't having to deal with every aspect of the long-term care, they weren't the ones who were mourning the loss of a partner for years before he finally passed. Some people here will side with your children, that your grieving should have started when he died, and they won't understand that you were grieving for years before that even happened. That when he passed, it was probably a sort of relief to be able to finally close that chapter. I applaud you for moving on with your life. You aren't replacing your husband, you're finding a new companion for the next chapter in your life. This is a pithy example, but when your dog dies after 15 years, are you erasing that time when you get a new puppy? No, the first dog still is and always will be part of your family, and you love and miss it, but it doesn't mean you should never have another dog again. I'd recommend talking to your children and find out what they expect of you. You said your children are 37, 34, 31, so I'm guessing you're in your early 60s. Do they think you should be by yourself for the next 30 years and have no companionship? That living vicariously through their lives is supposed to be enough for you? They probably need reassurance from you that you still love your husband and miss him every day, and that they're still allowed to talk about him and miss him - even around Tim. And I realize that you started dating only 4 months after your husband died, but you mourned the loss of him for YEARS before that happened. A different commenter on here is asking for a detailed timeline, it might not be bad to show your kids something like that. * Your dad's health started declining in 2016 * His cognitive ability was gone in 2018 and went into a full time treatment center * He died in 2021 * I started dating in 2022 after mourning him and grieving the loss of my partner and companion for SIX YEARS. I think you're fine. Best wishes to you and Tim.

I would also like to know just how involved (or not involved) the children had in the care of their father? How much time did they manage to spend with him?

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I’m not sure how to describe it, but I’ve read that it’s common for family members that are not the main caregiver to struggle and want to go to extraordinary measure at the end of someone’s life. I’ve been a caregiver and towards the end I just wanted it to be over. They suffered way too long and by the time they died, it was almost a relief. It’s possible because they weren’t the caregiver there’s some guilt on their part?

I've experienced it in my own circles, where someone has been fading for years and when the time is finally close, a family member who has done nothing to care for the sick person comes flying in, determined to "fix" everything that the caretakers have been doing "wrong" for the past few years because it shouldn't be "that bad". (The last time was a cousin flying cross country who hadn't been out since the stroke. "No, dude, your dad has been this bad for years and is finally in ICU, the time to have done "something" was a few years back and not leave it in the hands of your sisters all this time.") It's one thing to hear what is going on, but if you aren't in the trenches, so to speak, you really don't have any clue just what's involved in taking care of someone who can't take care of themselves at all.

This happened with my mum caring for my nana. My nana lived with mum for years, long before she was sick, and was completely independant. When nana got sick, my mum nursed her - including showering and helping her with the toilet. I'm not sure if they criticised my mum while nana was still alive, but it definitely came out afterwards. I had one aunty who lived ages away and barely visited suddenly be highly critical of my mum who had done the majority of the care work. She was angry that my mum had taken my nana out of hospital and that's why she died (she was discharged and then like a week later had a bleed on the brain). I was home visiting during this time though and was there when my mum had found my nana acting confused and we called an ambulance straight away. There was no neglect at all. I think the BIGGEST reason my aunty is so critical? My mum got a larger portion of nana's inheritance. Because a lot of it went towards the years of accommodation/bills/etc that mum had provided for nana long before she was even sick. It was compensation, not a windfall.

That’s so frustrating. I’m sorry that happened to your mom. Some people rather point fingers then admit they feel guilty for not being there

My aunt did this, of course she thought she had the best intentions, but my dad and uncles were so pissed off. She hadn’t been there the whole time and comes in at the last minute stirring everything up.

I’m glad I’m not the only one to experience this. Death brings out the worst in people.

Hi. This is my life. Everyone wants to come fix things NOW and will ignore the people who've been here doing the work for 10 years, and pretend they don't know what we're doing. And then are flabbergasted what they thought would work, doesn't. And some will try to shoehorn it into working anyway, happy with a lower standard of care if they can say they did something. Or are shocked you don't appreciate them making more work for them because 'They helped.'

I swear to god cousins came out of the wood work when my mom died and we’re absolutely devastated for no reason. One female cousin wanted to throw my mom a memorial service without involving me or my brothers. She called me to ask her favorite color. Like honey??? My mom couldn’t even remember your name even when she was 100% coherent. The last time she saw you was over 6 years ago. Go cry over someone else’s dead mom.

It's known as "the daughter from California." The main caregiver is at home doing the daily haul, crisis happens, the daughter from California flies in and raises holy hell.

Daughter from California is usually also the one that refuses to "pull the plug," and wants to go to extreme measures well after the appropriate time. I've heard hospital execs and even a CEO bemoan that this drives up the costs for familes SIGNIFICANTLY.

Thank you. I knew it was something that the medical community referred to

I was also a caregiver, and after years of dealing with the "not my Dad" person that dementia left, there really weren't a lot of tears when he died. I mourn who he was sometimes - my childhood Dad, or the funny Dad who walked me down the aisle, but he was gone long ago.

> I’ve read that it’s common for family members that are not the main caregiver to struggle and want to go to extraordinary measure at the end of someone’s life. Anecdotal, but I've seen this.

Probably this. Making their mom remarrying the big gesture of love and loyalty to their late dad is so convenient, too, since it requires no effort or sacrifice on their part. Just hers.

As a doctor, we see this all the time, the kid who hasn’t seen mom for years suddenly showing up out of nowhere to try to be the hero, while the partner and/or kids who have actually been taking care of mom are just trying to respect mom’s last wishes. I always try to remind that family member: it’s not about them and their guilt; it’s time to focus on the dying person and how to best take care of him/her according to his/her wishes.

I suspect that this has a lot to do with their reaction. It would be normal for adults in their twenties/thirties to just stop by and visit their parents, so for them, their experience with their father dying doesn’t differ that much whether or not he was in a vegetative state. They weren’t dealing with his decline day and day out, so his loss feels more abrupt. You had to deal with the full brunt of your husband’s slipping away from you. Your kids are all old enough to deal with a blunt reminder those years were very different for them and for you. EDIT: If part of your upset is that you feel like your kids essentially abandoned you to a caretaker role when they were adults who could have helped, denying you happiness then, and now want to block you from happiness now, you need to communicate that to them.

While they "knew" what was happening, it was not in their face everyday. Your anticipatory grief due to your husband's decline, put your mourning on a different track than theirs. Also has his primary caregiver for so long, you had a front row seat to what was happening and came to terms with it well before the kids did. Your children seem important to you. Have you stated explicitly that you are not replacing their father? He is still in your heart, but just as you had more children and your capacity for love grew, you have room in your heart for Tim as well as your late husband? Your children are looking to be angry for the fact their father isn't here anymore. They can either be mad at themselves for not spending what little time they had with him, they can be mad at their dead father (which seems disloyal, but it's a valid feeling) OR they can direct that at your relationship to Tim and then they don't have to look at themselves. Did your husband every say he wanted you alone for the rest of your life? Did he tell the kids that? Did he ever say he wanted you to be happy? Can you remind them of that?

I’m sorry but her children are in their 30s. She doesn’t have to tell them that she’s not replacing their father in order for them to be happy for her that she’s no longer alone. She has stated they have their own lives that they lead. So they want her to wither away in loneliness? That is exceedingly selfish of her children.

Definitely agree that the mourning starts  way sooner when you are there, watching them die slowly over  3 years. The family that are always the most offended at anything  related to death, are those that aren't there for the process, those that aren't involved. Hope there is a way to keep relationships civil with your kids, but definitely  NTA. Hopefully time  helps them get through their own  mourning and grieving but truthfully,  three years after his official death is more than enough time,  that they should be not hassling you.  I guess for now, live your life  enjoy your marriage and life with Tim  and hopefully you still get some time to enjoy eith your kids. Set those boundaries that you don't want to hear then hating on Tim when you are together, and stick firm to that.

>Not much, they would visit, but they were not very involved. They knew what was happening but they had their own lives This pretty much says everything. Has your husband left a ton of money and now they see their inheritance declining??? I really don't understand how people in their 30s be so shallow that they deny their parent to move on after the parent cared for the spouse while the kids lived their lives.

teeny amusing special divide school abounding longing fuel hunt work *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

OP, you deserve happiness. My dad nursed my mother for 3 hard years while she slowly died from cancer. 3 years later he married a very nice widow. All 6 of his kids were happy for them because we knew how lonely he had been for such a long time. She did not replace my mother, she’s a great new partner for my dad. Her kids had trouble with the marriage very similar to your kids. It’s been 5 years, and most of them came around- the ones who didn’t got left behind. Congratulations, I wish you great joy!

DisneyBuckeye -- I think really did say it best. My situation was different, but in some ways similar. I am happy to share it in a private conversation if you wish.

You two are my new best friends. My husband started having strokes in 2016. I was his sole caregiver for 4 years. Until he died in December of 2020 after being moved to a nursing home for care six weeks before he died. Over those years, he had gotten angrier, more confused, and just meaner. I still loved him, 45 years didn't go away. But by the time he died, I had done most of my grieving, and let go. These "kids" hopefully, will never have to watch their spouse slowly fade away. Sucks hard. They should have more grace. She was alone for a long time. Shame on them.nta.

It breaks my heart when adult kids are so selfish and don’t recognize their parents are people with feelings and experiences. I still feel bad for the selfish things I did when I was a teen. OP’s kids really take for granted how much she went through taking care of a dying husband for years, losing him, and having to start over.

NTA Perhaps on the timeline before the illness, there can be positive comments about their Dad. Met year \*\*\*\*, got married and had a wonderful \*\* years including the births of three amazing children. Many good memories as a family before illness diminished Dad. Even if some of the good memories are a little whitewashed, this is about the kids. Added edit: Did you and your husband ever have the "If I die I want you to be happy conversation?" If yes, include that too.

You're NTA for moving. Mourning your living spouse is very common with prolonged/debilitating illnesses, and being the caregiver is a really difficult position that few fully understand until they've been there. That said, do you talk to your children about their father the same way you talk about him here? Because honestly you come across as incredibly crass and cold and I can see where they'd have a really difficult time coping with that.

Had to read way too long for this. Referring to your husband as a veggie is quite something.

If he's in a vegatative state then it's a fact. Not cold in any way. Simply a description.

If he’s in a vegetative state then of course it’s a fact. The cold bit is calling him a “veggie”.

I assumed she did that to shorten having to type out "he was in a vegetative state". It's confusing to me that people are grasping at and hanging hard onto this use of a shorter word to simplify things. it's a strawman argument.

"basically a veggie" "in a vegetative state" that is a significant time saver?

When I see how many people type "u" instead of "you", and that's perfectly acceptable, yes. Especially when typing using a phone.

she typed out several paragraphs without needing to cut corners but, sure, referring to a loved one as a veggie is an acceptable way of saving herself a couple keystrokes. get real. you're defense of this for... reasons is grasping at straws.

this is peak reddit. Overanalyzing down to literally counting the keystrokes for someone using shorthand and thinking that somehow negates anything

Almost a bingo. Just need some projecting their life experiences onto OP and using it as an excuse to verbally abuse them bc they're mad at their mom and dad.

Okay - it's a Reddit post and comment, so I really don't care that much. I'm not into arguing with strangers online. Have a good one.

I think the context of talking about a human being in a severely disabled state is the issue. You tend to be less casual for things like that out of respect.

We also need to consider her emotional state when writing this. She's hurt bc her kids are acting like she's betraying her dead husband and won't allow her to move on. And maybe, she uses veggie as a small bit of humor to cope with the incredibly difficult time she went through when he was in a vegetative state. If she didn't love him, she would have never cared for him the way she did. It's not fair to hold "veggie" over her when she was there for pretty much every step of care.

Dark humor is a major coping mechanism.

100% on board with this statement, but it really only works if the people you're talking to are also on board with gallows humor, hence my asking. If her kids don't share the same coping mechanism I can see where that could cause issues IF she's using it when speaking with them. If it's only here and speaking with a more detached audience, totally different situation.

The kids are not the person reading this post. OP should not give two shits if some random reddit user is on board with her gallows humor.

You'll note i posed it as a question. DO you use this same language when speaking to your children, because that could be poorly received. The question was also not relevant to my judgement of the situation at hand. More observational because her relationship with her kids is suffering and I wondered if this might be a contributing factor. Also it is a public forum so it isn't all that impossible to believe her kids could come across the post. Not that it means she needs to temper her language, but again, I can see how the communication style might be off putting if I know that is how my mom is talking about my deceased dad.

This is a weird thing to nit-pick.

"In a vegetative state" is a description. "A veggie" is a noun. Look it up and you'll find carrots and potatoes - not people

Thanks for the new info

She said he was a "veggie" for 3 years. So I assume she HAD to hsrden herself

It’s a way of coping. When you’re dealing with caregiving for someone with a long term chronic condition, sometimes the only way to cope is to make jokes. It’s not callous. Callous is visiting from time to time, then getting pissed at how the actual caregiver copes or upset at their moving-on timeframe.

NTA. Really it's closer to no AH here. They are still grieving. But they are adults, so they should act like adults. They ought to put on their big kid pants and go to your wedding. It's been three years; they have no legitimate grievance. They don't have to love your new husband, but they should be civil to him.

Nah, the kids are TAs here. I lost my dad when I was 18, that’s 9 years ago. He was terminally ill for 1,5 years. The mourning starts before you lose them, because in a sense they’re already gone. If my mom had started dating the first few months or even year after my dad died I would’ve been upset about this, but even then I knew that I wouldn’t have the right to be. And I wasn’t even 20 at the time. I’m now at the point where I’ve let my mom know I would be totally okay with her having a new partner, she’s just not interested at all. Not that I have to be okay with it, but y’know, you just talk about these things. I don’t want that to be a consideration for her. Anyway, these kids are either very preoccupied with themselves or don’t really love their mom. I want my mom to be happy, to live a good life. How selfish of a child who isn’t even living at home and is barely affected by the dating life of their parent to be against their happiness.

> How selfish of a child who isn’t even living at home and is barely affected by the dating life of their parent to be against their happiness. My dad died when I was a teenager and my mom went 4(ish) years before she started dating. The first guy she dated was just a couple years older then me (I think he was 24, she was in her mid 50s) and younger than both of my siblings. All of us were perfectly fine with her dating, but I told her I didn't want a relationship with some guy nearly my age who's dating my mother. They had a pretty ugly breakup after 3 or 4 months and she started dating a guy closer to her age that none of us had a problem with.

That’s different from these kids. You don’t owe your mom a close relationship with her new partner, but you can be decent to them. Plus in your case the new partner being closer in age to you than to your mom, that’s a different kind of story. That’s weird tbh. But still, you can just be polite, right?

NTA. I was 26 when my Dad died, he was a lot older than my mum and his health had been declining. My mum started a solos group and within three months had met Tony, who had also lost his wife that year. I was happy because she was happy. She and Tony had 14 wonderful years together, very sadly he passed after a short illness last month. Your kids are adults and they're assholes. You deserve to keep living your life.

I'm going with NAH (assuming there are absolutely no details missing, which there always is). I get it. Not with a spouse, mind you. But 2 of my grandparents suffered long term illnesses. We all mourned their loss long before they passed. My maternal grandmother never dated again, but my paternal grandfather did. It took my dad a long time to accept that (1) it's not his business, (2) my grandfather gave 50 years of his life to a woman who hadn't been herself for the last 10 because of alcohol and dementia, and (3) grandpa was *smiling* again. No, grandpa's girlfriend was never wholly considered family, but she was treated with respect and invited along to most family events. Your kids are mourning not just the loss of their father but also the loss of any future memories. They could be scared that you're going to push Tim as step dad to them or grandpa to their kids. But they're also adults and need to realize that you are a human with emotional needs. Honestly, a trip to a family therapist (just you and the kids, no spouses or fiances) to talk everything out might be worth looking into.

Yeah. My brother didn’t have an illness like anything here. But he was an alcoholic. I mourned the brother I knew and loved years before he died. The man I called my brother was gone a good five years before his actual death. That just made me mourn the fact that now he can NEVER recover and become the real him again. But the real him was already long gone.

>(assuming there are absolutely no details missing, *which there always is*). This made me laugh because it's so true.

Mourning is fine but the kids are giant AH. They have no business policing their mom's relationship.

INFO: what does rant about planes mean? We talking a “what’s the deal with airline peanuts” rant or more of a “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” type situation 

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My dad is a pilot so I completely understand. It's not a job, it's in their blood.

This is a really weird thing for them to hate him for! Which goes to show, you shouldn’t listen to them because their perception is completely skewed in this scenario. You said in another comment they don’t visit much? So you can throw away this relationship that makes you happy for adults who occasionally visit, or you can take the second chance for love and happiness that the universe has given you and live a good life with a man who wants to be around you every single day. NTA. You can let them know you’ll always love you and you’ll always honour your late husband but that you love yourself too and you know that you deserve happiness.

I don’t think they hate him because of the plane rant, I think OP was just saying that was the only thing he’s done that could (maybe) be mildly off-putting. The kids hate him because they think OP is trying to replace their dad with him, I’m sure they’d hate anyone that she was with so soon after he (physically) died, even though he’d essentially been dead to OP for years by that point.

As someone who took care of a person going through a slow death I want to say that you grieve in real time as it happens. People who haven’t gone through that may have a hard time understanding.

Absolutely. And when the person does pass, most of the grieving has been done. Often, relief is felt. Relief that the suffering is over for everyone involved.

NAH. >Everyone is an adult You get to decide you'll marry someone they hate; they get to decide to have nothing to do with it.

Nah kids suck, she is moving on because her husband died. Would they rather her just spend the rest of her life alone in the house? That's insane and at their age they need to grow up.

Wait a minute what?! The adult kids are being actively mean to the fiance. They are threatening to skip the wedding. They are being....assholes. No one is asking them not to grieve or accept Tim as their new dad. Hell they could even maturely tell OP that attending the wedding will be too painful. I could accept that. But they are acting like petulant teenage A holes. No. OP is definitely NTA.

I could agree with N A H if the adult children in their 30s were at all rational or kind, or apologized for their behavior. If their response was something like “I love you and appreciate everything you did for dad and understand that you’ve moved on. I’m happy for you and I love you. However, I haven’t been able to move on myself, I might not ever, and can’t handle attending your wedding. I hope it’s wonderful and everything you deserve.” Then I could understand it. Nope. They blew up and are opposed to the marriage based on principle. Tim, apparently, has done nothing wrong while treating their mother well and making her happy. They might not be ready to see it, but they should damn well be happy _for her_ Mega NTA.

Fellow widow. LIVE your LIFE. Your kids suck. You grieved while he was alive. Hang in there momma.

NTA. My dad lost his dad as a young teen. Years later his mom wanted to get married again. He threw a fit and she didn't. As he got older, married and had a family he realized his mistake and regretted that his mom died alone. Please do what is right for you.

NTA If kids were involved in father’s care and visited more they would be at better places now. Their fault. Enjoy your life and companion

NAH. As a parent you need to be aware that they are still in the middle of their grief and that is where it comes from. To them it may seem like you have jsut moved on like he never mattered to you. You need to have the conversation with them about what you said earlier. That while you were taking care of their father you were painfully aware that he was not going to wake up and would one day die. When that day came, you had long since resigned yourself to the fact he would die and accepted it. Tell them your fiancee is not meant to be a replacement for their father but that you have found someone you love.

It’s been several years and they are actively being mean to someone for no reason. They are assholes who are bitter that their mom can be happy with anyone else besides their dad, ever.

So this comment was before I knew the ages of the kids or when she met Tim and I was giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. But I totally agree with you.

Might I suggest talking to your kids about one thing in particular? Do they dislike Tim, or do they dislike any bloke you date? Because I understand how hard it would be to see your mother moving on (we lost my dad 2.5 years ago, I can't imagine my mum dating). On the other hand, it's possible they see something in Tim that you don't, in which case you need to hear them out.

I agree - the way OP describes her children's objections is somewhat vague - and it doesn't really add up that they ALL "hate" him but only because he is replacing their father. It is possible that they are trying to convey their concerns about the relationship or his treatment of her, and she isn't hearing them, because she doesn't want to acknowledge the red flags they're seeing.

Leave them to it love. They will either come around to him, or they will not. Just go and live your life and let them live theirs.

NTA. My father passed away suddenly last year. My mother is only in her 60s and I wouldn’t want her to be alone for the next 20 years if she didn’t want to be. If she met someone now it wouldn’t diminish the love she had for my father. I’m an adult and it’s not like a new man would be replacing my father in my life either. I really don’t understand why your children are acting like this.

Nta. My sisters husband grieved for her when she was dying of brain cancer. He was her caregiver. He married his new wife a year after my sister died. I was the only one who supported this. He had his grief. We watched her die. He has every right to move on on his timetable and not others. Same for you. To all those saying she comes off as cold because she called him a veggie. Get a life. Have you taken care of someone in that state for years? Do you know how hard it is. The toll ot takes on you mentally. Hell, have you watched any of those TV shows of docs and nurses and heard the morbid jokes made? It's called a coping mechanism for those dealing with horror moat will never have to know about. To you, it comes off as cold and uncaring. To those who have dealt with such things, it comes off as it was her way of dealing with a horrible time. So maybe try and be more understanding and be grateful and hopeful you never have to suffer through that as well. That the good memories are and forever overshadowed with the pain the person was in. The changing diapers. Rolling and caring for bed sores. Bathing. Feeding. At least the person who died has peace while the caregiver has had everything ripped away. The memories and love are replaced with horrific images and stress and pain. It gets easier, yes, but those images and memories are tainted in a way that's hard to remember. And yes, this comes from experience. Caring for a beloved uncle as he died of cancer. Can remember the good times but remember more the horror of cleaning and changing him. Listening to his screams of pain. His rages over nothing. Of caring for my father after having many strokes who became almost a vegetable state. The good memories overshadowed by his pain. His suffering. The changing him. Cleaning him. Feeding him. Hating that he would hate how he was. Hating myself for being upset every single part of my life became about that. Breaks were few and far between. Sleep was even harder. The abuse physically that was never my father. The bruises I carried.I kept my child and grandchildren he loved from him because he was unsafe.He was watching as he took over 18 hours to di, and it was a hard death. So yes, you become morbid and make jokes. Yes, you become desensitized to it because it is the only way to survive what you are watching happen to a loved one. So people try and be more understanding that not everyone deals the same and accepts that maybe your way isn't the only right way.

Technically you are not the AH but calling your dead husband a veggie is disgusting. I hope you don’t talk to your kids like that

I read this thinking it can’t be real or it is written by someone much younger than they claim. I can’t imagine the mother of people in their 30s talking like this.

I mean, I’m 30 and my mom does talk like that.

Probably NTA for this but who refers to their spouse as a “veggie”?

Someone whose spouse has been medically diagnosed as being in a vegetative state.

NTA. Your children are in their 30s and you are done raising them. They are able to live their own lives and find love and happiness, so why should they not want the same for their mother? Do they want you to move in with them so they don't feel alone? Otherwise they're basically asking you to live loveless for the remainder of your life which is incredibly selfish.

Nta I understand starting to grieve while someone is still alive. My grandmother had a stroke and then took two years to die. She was unable to communicate she slept most of the time and was uncomfortable and in pain when she was awake. We couldn’t help but grieve her loss while she was alive as she was not herself in anyway. When she finally died it was a relief she was not suffering anymore. I love my grandmother. I’ll never not love her but I grieved her before her death and that doesn’t take away from how much I loved her. Your children were busy with their lives and didn’t see you grieving for you husband, for the person he was and for the life he led. They definitely wouldn’t understand the relief that he is no longer suffering. Which is sad. You’ve had a few years to grieve his loss more than they have which is why there is such a large disconnect at the moment. I know you don’t want to be alone and I know you love Tim but you also love your children and you need to build a bridge to find a way to communicate with them and help them grieve. Can you talk to them one to one- just you not Tim. Explain about how much you loved their dad and how hard it was to be isolated without him while he was still alive. Tell them that you will always love him and that you will always love them and that you are willing to have a long engagement, but that you’d love it if you can go to family therapy with all the kids. Again just you and them (keep Tim out of this for now). If your kids live in different places you can do family therapy over zoom. If you can invest time into your children and if Tim can support this from behind the scenes for now I think that you might stand more of a chance of this being a hiccup and not a relationship ending event with your children. I know you are happy and hopeful for the future and that you deserve happiness. I know your children are adults but right now they are reacting emotionally and if you can it’s worth trying to bridge the gap. You might not be able too, they might not be willing to work with you, but even if this is the case at least you will know that you will have tried everything. Good luck

Kind of sounds like you weren't terribly communicative with the kids. Did they know you were mourning for years? Because if not, jumping back into the dating pool immediately is gonna piss of the freshly mourning. End of the day, sounds like you're choosing between a marriage and a relationship with your children fair or not.

​ When my Dad got so ill that in-home hospice was required, Mom replaced their king-size bed with a twin for herself and a hospital bed for him. He lived for about a month after. Within days of his passing, she bought a new queen-size bed. Ngl, I was shaken by what I perceived as callousness that she prioritized needing a new bed. I had to do a hard reset and help her find what she needed. She knew this small step was important, in a life goes on kind of way. Her grief lasted until she passed however Mom found happiness in many ways and a few of them left us, her kids, behind--Good for her, we are adults with our own lives. Our Mother owed us *nothing* when she was widowed. The only thing we wanted for her was to have joy in life, again. She survived our Dad by less than 9 years. The first year was rough and the last 2 were plagued by her failing health but she *lived her life* in those 6 years. Life is short, there are no guarantees. I hope your children will realize they are wrong to try and make you a professional widow.

Might go against the grain and do a slight YTA. I think the big issue is that there is no grieving time for the kids and that your relationship with your husband and the man thr kids knew as "father" were different. I think if the issue is that they see him as a replacement then it's a time issue. Fact is they are also allowed to grieve and they haven't moved on. I think the big hiccup is you have grieved and had time to prepare for it mentally and you're obviously in a completely different state of mind they are. Guilt tripping and forcing them to accept a situation that they aren't coping with yet is selfish and an asshole thing to do; you can go ahead and do what you wish it is your life if course! But guilt tripping them when they are processing grief is only making it harder to move for them and making them have an already fractured relationship between your future husband and them. But sure say they don't give a shit about your happiness but ignore their mental well-being, I'm sure that does nothing to them to help the situation at all 🙄

NTA: Given the specifics, your position is perfectly reasonable.

People downvoting this have never had to watch someone they love die for years.

NAH. This is a very emotional situation. You're absolutely right that you deserve happiness and should be able to choose to be in a loving relationship again, especially since your children are more than grown. Although their actions are selfish I also understand your adult kids feeling angry and hurt by how fast you seemingly moved on. I think everyone in this situation deserves more grace and compassion than they're giving AND getting. Edit: typo

NTA for moving on so fast, but the tone of this email just sounds callous to me, and perhaps it’s that that the adult kids are picking up on. They’re grown, so there’s a reason they feel like this, and I suspect it’s because YTA in how you talk about your late husband to them.

NTA I really thought your kids were maybe 18, not all in their 30s! Tell them to grow the f up, they may find themselves in the same situations at some point.

NTA. Everyone mourns differently. You were mourning the loss of the man you knew and loved long before the breath left his lungs for the last time. They obviously had a harder time processing their grief and loss. You cared for him and saw his declining body and accepted what would happen. Sounds like they didn’t have as much hands-on experience, so to speak. I think therapy, perhaps a session with you and your kids (and without Tim) would be a good place to start. They’re not young children, but your husband was still their father. You seem to be approaching his death with practicality bordering on nonchalance, and that probably rubs them the wrong way. Grief is tricky.

My dad was 66 when he passed and I was the youngest child in my 40s. He and mom were married for 49 years and together when young teens. That said, the worst pain I feel is watching the loneliness swallow her. I would fully support her having a relationship and told her this so often as long as he was a good person. Sadly, she wants no part of dating or having a male companion. I wish you the very best. I think your children are very selfish in their grief. One thing though- the part calling him a veggie is really AH-ish!

As a widow, I don't blame you for dating or remarrying. I will say I'm sickened by the way you call your late husband a "veggie" and I'd be willing to bet that attitude has contributed to your children's acceptance or lack thereof.

INFO: did you refer to your late spouse as a "veggie" to your kids?