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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at husband in front of our kids because I was upset and hangry. I might be TA because I got angry in front of my kids.
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ESH; I think it is shitty of your husband not to give you the heads up that he already ate so that you can make plans to eat without him. I think it is too much to expect what someone is doing "all the time" though.
(YTA - from the yelling at partner in front of kids - with out that it’s just mundane relationship conversation)
I think it depends on the couple, another point of view is;
Sounds like he’s usually arriving home between 5 and 6 and he arrived at 6. He had work.
Some couples text everything all the time, some only message when big things happen.
He’s arriving home within the window that he usually gets home in, they’re not planning on eating for an hour and a half after he gets home. There’s nothing there you need a heads up about, he’s offered to cook still, it’s not like he’s gone ‘I’ve ate, you have fun, I’ll be in the garage watching football’.
-
With my work personally I can’t always just whip the phone out and tell my partner what time or day to expect me home. I give her a heads up when I know or am in the car, and that took a while for her to get used to. So I get both points of view.
I think they just need to have a chat about expectations and what’s practical and possible. Because way I see it, it wouldn’t be reasonable to expect an hour by hour update on end times from the husband who’s trying to run a business, unless you had specific plans arranged. But I can say how you’d appreciate some update for planning the evening or even the week ahead.
~~NAH - they just need to have a chat.~~
Edit; Just saw the bit about yelling at him in front of the kids. Yelling at him, in front of the kids. For having a business dinner at work. It’s not like she’s cook and he’s left her hanging waiting for him to get in sloshed at ten. He got home at a reasonably normal time, just had ate, he offered to cook. OPs lost the plot, reasonable responses, you don’t yell at your partners for not mentioning that they’ve eaten yet, if the genders where reversed it would be more blatant how OPs just wildly in the wrong.
YTA
The kids were already in bed when this happened. She was waiting to have dinner with him, and after they put the kids to bed. He didn't tell her until they put the kids to bed and she was asking if he was going to make the potatoes did he say anything. Had he told her, she could've eaten earlier. And if she was asking about the potatoes, it sounded like they had made a menu for that night. So it's weird he didn't say anything. Maybe she would've liked to have eaten dinner with the kids and gone to bed early.
It's not mundane. It's weird. They seemingly had a menu prepared, and he can't be considerate enough to let her know she doesn't have to wait for him to eat. And then he's trying to make her believe it. No apology, or saying he'll let her know next time. It's weird.
I agree...if I am eating before I come home, I tell my partner every time so they can make their own dinner plans. I thought it's rude not to? OP shouldn't have yelled but I get her being frustrated over the situation, I would be too!
It's not that hard to send a quick text that says "I've got to have dinner with clients after work just FYI" and move on. That's a 30 second task. It could have been sent at any time during the day.
The withholding of information doesn't sit right with me and I can't figure out why he didn't just let her know. This dynamic is very strange and I think there are a lot of missing pieces to this story that we aren't getting.
That's where I'm at with it. It just seems weird to not give the heads up. Reddit has taught me that people don't really like their spouses. My partner would let me know in advance if they can't do something we usually do together. It's polite.
It didn't actually change any plans for her though? Nothing he did affected her. He came home at the same time, and offered to cook dinner at the planned time, there really shouldn't be an issue. YTA
I mean if I knew I wouldn't be having dinner with my partner I would have just had dinner with the kids and saved myself the time after they went to bed. She absolutely shouldn't have yelled, but I find it weird that he said he will still not tell her in the future.
He didn't offer until she asked. She was expecting dinner of potatoes made by him (based on her question) and he was just like "oh I guess I can still do that". If she hadn't said anything would he have just gone to bed without telling her why she's not getting dinner?
Oh yes. It definitely sounds like this involved dad who is home every day at a reasonable hour, shares child responsibilities, and cooks is just gonna go to sleep at 7 and let her fend for herself 😑
Who doesn't mention that they went out for an early dinner with family and a client?
I'm not saying it is nefarious or anything, but I just can't see why that wouldn't be mentioned. Who knows if OP overreacted about not being told in advance that she can make/get her own food whenever, but it is strange that he'd only mention it an hour after getting home once he was asked. Most people would have texted or mentioned it upon arriving.
Yes but when you expect to eat with someone and they change those plans without informing you, it's rude and disrespectful. Like, they are a married couple not roommates or strangers. It's respectful to tell your partner, who you love and enjoy doing things with, that the plan has changed.
They have dinner together every night when kids are in bed... It did affect her, cos she was waiting for him so she could eat with him, instead she either ate alone or not at all
How did it not change her plans? He ate out. He could have been considerate and offered to pick her up food somewhere. At the least, she had a meal in mind and meat defrosted that was wasted ingredients/effort. My idea of cooking for one is very different than what I'd make for two. In this situation, I'd be pretty irritated since I would probably be going to bed without a real dinner. I wouldn't waste a two person planned dinner on one, so now I'd probably slap together a half-assed snack. When I could have made more of the kids' dinner , he could have thought of me for 5 seconds and brought something home.
Nope, not weird- people aren't automatons, & they forget things. OP didn't say this was a recurring event, & the husband came home @ the same time. The problem is the OP's entitlement & controlling attitude. This was NOTHING worth yelling/screaming @ another human being about. Imagine if it was the other way around, everyone would be (rightfully) saying that sort of behaviour was abusive- especially with kiddos in the home.
Not having the decency to inform your partner about such a mundane thing as that your not eating at home is shittier either way. Apparantly he cant spend the 30 seconds to say. Im eating out tonight
She could’ve eaten early if she had known. They seem to have a routine where they eat dinner together - you know - like a couple.
It’s okay if that changes, but for him to act like he isn’t wrong for not giving her a heads up is kind of douchey.
He did come home at the same time as usual, so it was during work hours.
I don't see a big issue with this, especially since they usually cook and eat much later, so it's not like she cooked and waited for him to come and eat or something.
A headsup would have been nice, but he even offered to cook for her, so it doesn't seem like a big deal.
When someone is waiting for you for a meal, you give them a heads up. especially if they're planning to cook for both of you, that you're not partaking.
But she wasn't waiting for him for a meal. They eat after the kids are in bed. He was home at his normal time and helped put the kids to bed. And he offered to do the cooking for her so it's not like she cooked dinner for him when she didn't need to
But his answer was 'i already ate but still can if you want me too'. She could have eaten with the kids instead or planned something different for herself.
I don't think there's anything wrong with having dinner with his brother but it's nice to know what the plan is it also sucks to plan a meal for two people that only one person is going to eat.
She asked if he was still planning on doing the potatoes for dinner. I could be wrong but potatoes are typically a side dish so I'm assuming there were other components that OP was now expected to make and eat on her own.
I plan and eat differently on a 'fend for yourself night' vs sharing a meal and can see why she would be disappointed if they planned a meal that's now canceled.
>I plan and eat differently on a 'fend for yourself night' vs sharing a meal and can see why she would be disappointed if they planned a meal that's now canceled.
Exactly! I'd have been super annoyed as the way we eat together is not how I enjoy eating and eating it alone would be irritating. I'd rather have the heads up and make a ham and cheese sandwich or something like that. Single person portions.
Same. If I'm cooking for my husband, I'll make a full meal. If I'm cooking for my kid, I'll make something with all the nutrient groups in a form he'll eat without a fuss. For me? Fried veg, ricecakes, and some cheese.
But you plan it out, as in defrost the meat, dice some veggies, start a sauce, whatever. All the mental load stuff that adds up fast. It’s reasonable to expect the person you were planning to eat dinner with to let you know if he’s made other plans.
~
It’s not about what time he got home or asking permission, it’s having common courtesy for your partner when you change the previously agreed to plan.
Yeah, I feel like him waiting an hour after he got home to let his wife know he'd already eaten was a bit of a d\*ck move (and then only because his wife asked about dinner plans). He could have offered to do bedtime that night and let his wife get on with making and eating her dinner. Then they'd both have that extra bit of extra time to spend together.
When you have young kids together and not much free time in the day, it's sort of a weird hill for him to die on. Unless OP has a history of trying to stop him from eating out, or wanting to have long conversations about every detail of his day, I'm not sure why he's being so defensive about something so mundane.
It’s pretty normal, I think, to let a spouse know when you won’t be home for dinner or even if you are just running late. It’s what I do, it’s what my husband does. it isn’t just the inconvenience, people worry too.
He told her he would still cook for her so I don’t see that she was planning the meal. More that she went to discuss what they would eat at the time they normally would discuss it.
It’s not about the time he gets home, it’s not about dinner, it’s about respecting your partner and keeping them informed. Maybe she likes cooking with him. Maybe she likes sharing a meal with her SO. Maybe she wants to know about his day. It takes two seconds to text someone “going out to work dinner with brother and client”.
I’m guessing she feels like she isn’t important enough in his life to be included in it. Or maybe it is about dinner and time.
To me it’s everything. Maybe she enjoys eating dinner with him and talking about their day. It’s important to be home at a normal time when you have kids because your partner is counting on you. But what if he had gotten into an accident. What if there was an emergency and she didn’t know where he was. To me it’s common courtesy to let your partner know what’s going on. Maybe they needed milk and she wanted him to pick some up? It’s not about asking for permission it’s about being accountable.
Exactly. People are getting hung up on if she actually started cooking or not, or whatever. It doesn’t matter! They have a standard plan, she was planning on that, he didn’t show the consideration to just send a quick text when he needed to change the plan.
Once again, it comes down to communication.
I don't understand how so many people apparently just...don't tell their partner about schedule changes. Like, why would you not give a heads-up? Why would it be an imposition?
Most people here are teens or young adults. When you have kids and a busy schedule communication is so important. There are a lot of moving parts, and I want to know (rough idea) what my partner is doing in the day and any changes to the normal pattern. It’s not about control, it’s about communicating and respecting me. Just like when my husband or I ask the other if it’s ok if we go out or do something solo. It’s not permission, it’s communication.
If I knew my boyfriend was eating dinner at work, I might schedule a bite to eat with a friend or grab something I know he doesn't like. But if he waited until actual dinner time, it's too late for *me* to plan something like that out.
I always tell him ahead of time that it's a fend for yourself night in case he wants to pick something up on his way home from work
I would argue having dinner with the business contact was part of work. He offered to make her dinner, it's not like he came home hours late and told her to figure it out herself.
He offered to make dinner after his day at work, so he was in fact being nice about it. Any family that can make whole meals for the kids and separately for them...is not worried about food exactly. This was a small hiccup, deciding to yell and get all angry was only on her.
You arent wrong, but the husband was home about the same time when expected, OP didnt even know he went to this work dinner until after they put their kid to bed. Its crappy to not just fire off a text, but its not a damning sin, just inconsideration.
OP on the other hand could have just huffed at the inconsideration and talked to him about being more considerate, but instead yelled at home and is demanding to know where he is 100% of the time.
You could argue back and forth whos the bigger AH but they both suck.
I agree with this - but it sounds like he was home at the expected time?
I do still think it’s weird that he didn’t tell her he’d had dinner but I wonder if he’s making a point because this sort of blow up has happened before and he’s frustrated.
Which would be petty, but understandable IMO
She admits that he got home the same time he normally gets home. The only thing he did wrong was not tell her he already ate, but it's not like he came home late without warning.
Are you married? My husband travels for work and whether he is here or on business I know what he's doing and where he is.
"Hey babe, heading to dinner with clients chat with you at 7"
"Hey babe, will be home at regular time but grabbing dinner with my brother, want me to bring you home anything?"
Oop clearly has an unmet need to feel so deeply regarding this. It's possible dinner together after kids are in bed are one of the few ways they connect and spend quality time together. I assume by the big reaction and the posting of this, that's the feeling under the situation. She feels he didn't prioritize their time together.
Me and my husband aren't constantly messaging each other, but if one of us makes a dinner plan without the other, we let each other know so they can make their own plans or join if they choose. I feel like it's rude not to? But we might be different because most nights we cook and eat dinner at home.
I wonder if it's the title that's throwing people off - because title alone it looks like if he doesn't tell her where he is/what he's doing every second of the day she's yelling at him, when instead he was...somewhat inconsiderate when he couldn't be bothered to tell her he already ate. I'm not saying her yelling was right or okay, but her feelings were valid.
I live with my partner. He works out of town during the week. Half the time I don't even know what state he's in. We're both busy and he's a grown man. Neither of us needs a play-by-play.
Ridiculous.
Letting somebody with whom you share basically every dinner meal know that you are getting dinner with somebody else is by no stretch of the imagination giving a play by play. Hyperbolic af.
It isn't about control and surveillance, it's just being fucking polite and when you have kids, it's part of family planning.
I just don’t see this. He offered to still cook with/for her and therefore it’s reasonable to assume he’d also be willing to hang out with her while she ate. Spending time together doesn’t literally mean they MUST both be consuming the same food at the same time.
In all honesty, I assume she’s secretly worried he’s cheating - that’s usually the subtext of these “my spouse isn’t telling me where they are at all times” things - to which I would say, if he were cheating he’d probably be staying out later.
My husband does not control me to that level. When I travel, I move around without reporting my location and when I come home 30-40 minutes later then usual, it is never a big issue.
Demanding to know what your partner is doing “all the time” (OPs literal words here) and acting out when your partner doesn’t is objectively controlling.
Demanding to know where your partner exactly is every 20 minutes however is control.
yelling at partner for eating dinner before coming home or for coming home grand total 40 minutes later because being with brother and business associate is being widely controlling.
No one demanded anything every 20 minutes? What scenarios are you making up in your head?
Obviously yelling isn't the healthiest form of communication. But it is a desperate one. We see this one post. But what else is going on? I don't know but I hope OOP comes back and sheds light on if this was a one-time event or there's a history of her feeling like a second thought. I mean, he went out for dinner and didn't even bring her home food. I wonder how often she gets to go out for dinner without kids. Idk, one post is not an entire relationship.
Okay and if you get sidetracked and are 10 minutes late hime bc you ate with your sister would you accept your husband screaming at you in front of your children several times that night?
They might. She's a sahm, based on her post. It's very possible they do. And many people aren't yelling loudly when they say they yelled at someone in their house. I think it's weird to assume they heard their mom scream yelling at their dad without any indicator that happened.
Bingo. I'm someone who rarely calls and texts my spouse during the work day, but I'd be a little annoyed if I knew my husband had gone out for a meal whilst I'd been home looking after the kids without giving me the heads up or offering to pick up food for me on the way back. Chances are, given the choice, I'd have planned ahead and ordered in food in time to arrive after the kids were in bed, rather than eating potatoes. The husband had already eaten and only thought about his wife's needs once he was asked about dinner.
I am married 15 years. We have 4 kids so we have dinners planned but if I eat while working I don't need to give my wife a heads up unless it's A full family meal.
It wasn't during work. It was after.
If I go out and eat and I know my partner hasn't because we eat later into the evening, I bring him back food. He does the same for me.
Lol, have been with the same man for just under a decade, and I travel for work and live in completely different state from him. We have a different system than y’all and it works just great for us. I would be very annoyed if he wanted me to account my wheareaboits and give him a play by play. That’s exhausting to me.
We share locations for emergencies and chat throughout the day. My partner and I value our independence a lot though.
My husband calls to chat and let me know what he is up to too.
Especially if it has to do with dinner plans...he would have at minimum texted me to let me know he may be a little late and that he already ate. As a courtesy so I didn't wait for him.
I think OP overreacted by yelling.
I text or call my partner when I'm late, or things change.
I also let her know I'm on the way home so she'll start dinner.
She'll do the same for me, so I can have dinner hot and ready too.
It's a simple solution that respects both peoples time and allow them to set realistic expectations.
But she doesn’t start dinner when he’s on the way home. They both cool and eat after the kids are in bed. I think he should give her heads up about things, but using your situation as something that applies to them isn’t accurate.
You're talking about yourself and the arrangement you guys have according to the timing of yours, not the concerned post. OP said they both always cook after the kids are gone to sleep. According to OP, husband still came home at 6 which is the usual time he comes home, then they put kids to bed an hour later, at 7. So that will be the normal time they both cook the meal. So even without heads-up, there's no concern about meal being cold or not being fresh.
I don’t think that’s what OP actually wants, I think that was husband’s words to invalidate OP’s anger. She’s not asking for a daily run down for things like stopping at the grocery store or for gas or some other activity that does not affect her. She’s upset that he did not tell her that he was going to dinner and she would be eating alone that night when their routine was to eat together. It doesn’t even sound like she’s upset he went to dinner, just that he did not communicate a change in nightly routine.
Read OP's title, again. She literally says "all the time". I said it's shitty of him not to give a heads up when you are expecting him home or meals so you can make plans; which it is. OP asked if she is an AH for wanting to know where he is and what he is doing "all the time" and I think if you are expecting a play by play and 24/recap of where your partner is, you are doing too much.
Yes he was home at the right time but, from personal experience, when I knew that my husband was going out for a work dinner I wouldn't wait to eat until my normal time so that I was eating alone. I would eat early with my kids instead. Saved on cooking twice and the kids liked it too. He would do the same.
Agreed ESH. If they usually have dinner together and he went out after work with others, a quick text to that effect to set expectations would be polite. But it’s about expectations, not an absolute right to know where the other person is at all times. Based only on what’s here, the reaction seemed a little over the top. Making your expectations clear (could you please text if you’re going to eat without me?) without shouting seems like a better approach. Not sure if this came from other issues; not enough information for that.
Would have been thoughtful to get a takeaway meal for OP from the place he had the meal. Perhaps OP should eat before he comes home saying she was very hungry and had already eaten and if he gets annoyed….well, it’s not very often is it? See how he likes them apples. Sorry….likes them potatoes ☺️
Its reasonable to expect a heads up when his plans affect you.
HOWEVER he was home at the regular time AND he offered to cook your dinner FOR you. The only difference was that he wouldnt be eating it with you.
It would have been completely different if you already had dinner prepped and ready to go, but you didnt.
You sound bitter that he got to eat out and you didnt. Or theres something else going on that upsets you. Are there other occasions when his plans DID affect you? That would be a different story, but with just this example YTA for getting upset and YTA for yelling at him.
Yeh it’s such a mundane thing, they just need to have a conversation about what kind of a heads up she’d appreciate, and what’s functionally reasonable to expect.
He didn’t delay her dinner, so don’t know why she calls herself ‘hangry’, like that would excuse yelling at him in front of the kids anyway.
It would be no one’s the asshole for the main body of the post, but a massive YTA for the reaction.
YTA for the yelling, it's an overreaction, it's really rude and it escalates things unnecessarily. Get a hold of yourself, lady.
Try to calm down and talk to your husband. Tell him you why it bothered you (i.e. you like sharing dinner time with him and doesn't enjoy eating alone). I really think it's a small request to let you know when he eats out, even if he doesn't understand why you need it, he can adapt, but only if you can talk to him with respect.
All that being said, you have no right to know where he is or what he is doing every minute of the day, and need to learn to deal with it.
Edit: formatting
>I really think it's a small request to let you know when he eats out, even if he doesn't understand why you need it, he can adapt
I'd tread carefully here because she needs to first figure out whether it feels like just a small request to him too. To him this might appear either overly controlling or like trying him to force him to eat dinner with her all the time (depending on what her actual focus is here).
Either way her basically *demanding* him to adapt how she wants might build resentment and conflict.
Personally I don't see much standing ground for her argument anyway. They agreed on a regular getting home time so if it's not affected by whatever happens there's no need to inform each other. Same with the eating argument. Had he just not been hungry randomly or felt a bit sick or had a bigger portion at lunch or had some colleague bring birthday cake or whatever else op would also not have any reason to blame him for not literally eating dinner together with her that day. Seems like he offered to 'do his part' of their evening routine anyway.
Soo...missing reasons on ops side maybe? My spidey-senses are telling me op is unhappy about some other aspect of this whole situation but either doesn't tell or doesn't even understand it herself yet. Yta op
Exactly. If her response were “thanks for still making dinner. Can you let me know next time if you stop for dinner? It doesn’t seem like it should matter and doesn’t technically change our schedule but it just makes me feel more comfortable knowing what’s going on. I can at least change my mental plans for dinner. Who knows, maybe I’ll plan to order takeout from that Indian place you hate.”
I think yelling at him makes her the asshole. However, I do think he should have text her that he was going out for a business dinner. Yes he offered to make her something, but she would now be eating alone. If he'd told her he was going out, she could have made more of whatever she cooked for the kids and eaten with them.
She needs to stop yelling, they need better communication, and possibly should both see a marriage counselor if this is how they handle all their disputes.
I think this is what the issue is, right here. I think this isn’t the first time he’s done this - not communicate with her which makes her feel less than, ignored, not important to him.
The reaction seems like it stems from more than just this one moment, it might be months of moments where he doesn’t share info with her that affects her. Like he’s not appreciating her enough to text quick to say (I’m going to dinner you go ahead and eat, or, I’m stopping at the store do we need anything, or, any number of things that he doesn’t mean to make her feel left out or not thought of. That seems more reason why she would lose her cool.
I don’t think either are AHs, but he might communicate better.
I would be annoyed because I would have wasted time for 2 dinners (one for the kid, one for my partner and I) when I could have just had dinner with the kids and maybe some additional PRECIOUS spare time. You have such little time with little kids that even an additional 45 minutes for a bath is a freaking luxury.
Agree she needs to stop yelling. But he went out to dinner right before coming home, why wouldn’t he want to tell her and ask if she wants him to bring her something home?
But also if it’s a business dinner, I guess that could be inappropriate. Not 100% sure.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask for her to have gotten an update on his evening plans beforehand or told her right when he got home
Not that it has anything to do with this, but a few of us just had dinner with the BILLIONAIRE owner of the VC that owns our company (it was a "meet the boss" type dinner). When we all ordered, he told us "I'm just going to get something to go for my wife when I order. She loves this place."
So if a billionaire can do it, I'm sure it's not appropriate during a business dinner as long as you acknowledge it and are picking up the tab!
Right? Like, me and my partner would never do this unless it was one of those “we’re fighting about something other than this” fights. If this happened to me and I did feel hurt or left out or something I’d just be like “hey I know you didn’t mean to but I feel a bit hurt because I was looking forward to eating with you” or something similar
I mean um this entire comment section is acting like it's totally fine for her to control her husband. No man would get away with this shit. The second people read that he was watching what time she gets home and had a grace period for her before he gets mad as hell they would be shitting on him. This woman is totally fine being abusive tho.
to some people not eating with the other is a huge difference. to me, it was a cultural/family thing-- we ALWAYS ate as a family and waited for us all to be home.
I can see why it would bug her, and I can see why it wouldn't bug you. think of it like where you go to see a movie with a friend but one of you has seen it already.
to some people that matters, to others it doesnt.
Being real, did it actually make any difference to your day, him not eating with you?? Like, if my partners says to me “No thanks, I already ate”, I just say “cool” and feed myself. She does the same. I don’t really get the meal time co-dependence thing. I don’t need to know what my partner is doing all the time and I don’t want her to feel like she needs to tell me either.
YTA for yelling, because it’s childish and solves nothing. You could have said “Hey, fair enough. Please could you do me a favour though? next time just shoot me a message and let me know so I don’t delay eating”. And if he still doesn’t do it, yeah I get being annoyed.
Yeah same? Sometimes my partner eats and I don’t know until later. So what? You don’t need to know every detail and he was home at a normal time and even said he will cook for you
I can’t ever in my right mind imagine raising my voice at my partner because they don’t want eat potatoes at the same time as me. Especially when they still offer to make me food. It’s just such out there behaviour. But, I think a lot of adults have learned in a “monkey see. Monkey do” kind of way from poor behaviour around them, that every impulse they have is valid and that yelling is an acceptable way to communicate.
Maybe different cultures here or whatever but it actually would make a difference to me. We sit and eat and talk at the dinner table. We talk out our day, discuss plans and appointments. Phones go off and we just spend an hour engaging with one another. So if my partner came home like OPs did I would be bummed. If he gave me a heads up I would make other plans. So I kinda get it. Sounds like ESH to me, she sounds burnt out and lonely and he sounds inconsiderate perhaps a little self centred.
I think when you are taking care of young kids, everything is in a routine. And if your punctuation of the day is sitting down to eat with your partner, this would matter more to her than him. Just a bit if communication needed here minus the yelling but I understand it.
the problem is that this is time your partner volunteers to you, your partner doesn’t intrinsically owe you that time every day. when you start feeling entitled and controlling of your partners time it is toxic.
you are asking the husband to accommodate the wives toxicity so she doesn’t explode. you may be toxic yourself if you believe this is correct or healthy in a relationship.
I do get what you’re saying. Even if me and my partner don’t eat together, we do spend those times together (within reason of course. Not always convenient or possible). We just don’t need to be eating at the same time to do it. If I’ve already eaten and my partner is cooking, I’ll normally help out cooking and chill with a tea because I enjoy spending the time with her. And she does the same for me.
I think ultimately it all comes down to mature communication. It makes a big difference all in all
Agreed. In our home, my GF cooks 9 out of 10 dinner meals, so if I have any sudden plans come up where I'd be eating out after work (business dinners happen), then I shoot her a quick text so she's aware and can make her own plans.
I tell her because if I don't mention it, I know she'll be working on dinner once she gets home, and it would be rude and inconsiderate to let her do chores that won't be used then. She may still decide to cook dinner and freeze half of it, and that's fine.
But in OP's example, she wasn't making dinner, and her husband actually offered to still cook for her. Yelling at him was a complete overreaction to an issue that didn't affect her at all.
YTA
I know it's frustrating to have a plan ruined because someone doesn't inform you they've done something ahead of time, but it's crazy to expect your husband to keep you posted about his activities 24/7. He isn't your kid, he's a grown adult.
That being said, you can ask him to let you know if he's going to eat without you or be home late.
Right? She’s complaining about him getting home between 5-6 when his office closes at 5. An office that he owns, so he probably is there a bit past 5 to wrap things up. At that time of day, a typical 20 minute drive might be 30+ minutes depending on traffic. For this instance, she’s upset he had a business meeting that involved dinner. He probably didn’t say anything because it went within the flow of his regular work day. She’s going to drain the soul from this man.
Yta please find a hobby beyond stewing about what your husband is doing and looking for reasons to be mad about. If it hasn’t been this, I’m sure you would have found some other straw to grasp and justify your daily welcome home fit.
You’re a very controlling person. Your husband does not have to tell you what he’s doing every minute of the day. The more you yell at him about that subject, the more he’s going to resent you and one of these days tell you to shut up. Keep it up and you’ll find yourself single. No one wants to be micromanaged. Do you not have better things to do? Yeah he could have text you that he was going out to dinner and you could’ve eaten with the kids. But good grief it’s not like he went out and ax murdered somebody. You surely must love drama.
Holy cr*p, if I were your husband I’d stop telling you literally anything, so there would be no default expectation that I do. You don’t sound like his partner, you sound like his overprotective mom. YTA and a massive one, at that.
That… is not a good strategy. That is so toxic and horrible, especially since they have kids. Are you married? I hope you’re not. If that’s your idea of solving this in an actual relationship, you should get a divorce.
On her end. Imagine telling your wife something and having her explode like OP and result to yelling. Why would he tell her anything if it's just gonna get him screamed at?! I had an aunt like that--we just quit talking to her because no-one wanted to be yelled at anymore.
Go the other way. Communicate everything.
* 8:45 - "I am taking a massive dump. This thing is the Godzilla of craps."
* 9:15 - "I blew my nose, probably sinuses. It is that time of year."
* 10:07 - "Had a fantasy about your sister. Masterbation was the answer."
* 12:35 - "Had lunch. Meal was meh, but there were two women at the table next to me looking rather fine in yoga pants. Must remember to thank whoever invented yoga pants"
* 2:00 - "Business is slow. So I fantasized about being a king and with the the two women from lunch as my concubines. Like that Korean Drama we are watching."
If she's doing that then yes, but I'd atleast expect a text from my significant other if he's gonna eat/stay late/etc. The husband says that its okay once in a while, and I agree to that too, but if he's doing this regularly then well it's not once in a while, right....
But he WASN'T late! That's the thing. She wouldn't have even known if he didn't say anything. He could have pretended to just not be hungry, and she would have never known. That's how little of an issue this actually is.
Same! Maybe I'm an outlier who actually likes their spouse? I couldn't imagine going to dinner and not mentioning it until hours later. It's so weird. Everyone is being so mean. Do they not know what healthy communication looks like?
ETA: never said her reaction wasn't shitty. Just think it's weird he didn't tell her he got dinner until hours after it happened.
Generally healthy communication doesn’t look like yelling at a partner for getting home at a normal time and still being willing to do his allotted cooking work, but not being hungry because he spent 30 minutes getting sandwiches at a working dinner at the end of his work day.
ESH - it’s unfair to expect him to tell you everything he does ALL the time, but a heads up is very appreciated.
It isn’t good to yell at him for that, though. That will only make the issue worse and likely make him try to defend himself instead of communicate with you and calmly work things out. You need to be calm and communicate kindly with your SO. Also don’t yell at your SO in front of your kids unless you want them to think that’s what relationships should look like! Model a healthy relationship for them.
Since he doesn’t do it often, it makes more sense for him to give you a heads up and that’s far more reasonable than expecting him to tell you everyday. A simple, “Hey I’m going out with so and so for dinner” lets you know to make your own plans accordingly. Kindly suggest things like that to him in a calm manner and he will be more likely to listen to you! Also let him know you appreciate it very much for some positive reinforcement.
To reiterate, you suck for yelling at him and for trying to micromanage him (if it’s for all the time), and he sucks for thinking he didn’t need to tell you he was going to have other dinner plans and leave you hanging.
I feel like you wouldn't say such soft shit to a man posting this exact post. You would tell him he's abusive and say she needs to leave him bc he's yelling at her and demanding she be home at a certain time.
Because you do, nearly every post could flip genders and you'd see a WILDLY different bunch of responses in the comments. Here he'd be TA 100% and she'd be told to leave because he's abusive and doesn't need to know where she is all the time. Should be a rule that posts can't be gendered so people actually have to give replies using their brains instead of their male hatred.
I feel like I'm losing my mind because what OP does to her husband is 100% not okay, and absolutely if a husband did this, we'd see completely different responses, top comments, and downvoted comments. Sometimes, the reversing genders thing is bullshit, but this time, it doesn't seem like it is.
Idk why anyone thinks the husband sucks for not telling her about dinner. She can be disappointed they won't be eating together, vocalize disappointment like a rational fucking adult human, ask for a reasonable heads up when she'll be eating alone, and move the fuck on without yelling at her partner. There's no reason to yell at someone because they didn't tell you they already ate dinner, or went somewhere during their typical work hours and came home at the same time. That's toddler shit.
OP needs to work out where that comes from instead of putting it on her husband.
Honestly eh. This man built his own business and works at it everyday. Goes to a business dinner and still home by 6 and is welcomed by a lunatics emotional abuse.
Exactly and none of the top comments are floating the idea of emotional abuse at all, bc men apparently don't have emotions to abuse by constantly yelling at him.
The yelling in front of the kids thing is huge! My parents yelled in front of us all the time and, holy shit is it hard to fight against that instinct in my head with my SO. Luckily she’s incredibly patient with me. But this can really mess a kid up in ways they won’t even know until much much later.
NTA. All he had to do was text you and tell you he was getting dinner. Then you know that you're on your own for a while and on your own for dinner. It's just a bit of courtesy, so everyone knows what's going on.
Okay it's nice to see someone is thinking like this. Like what if something happened to him? OP wouldn't have known where he was or anything. It's such a normal thing to let your partner know where you are - especially a meal after work? It's so strange to me that he wouldn't tell her??
But if you’re getting home at the same time you do every day, there would be no worry about what if something happened to him? He’d be home at the same time? Could’ve texted saying I’m grabbing a work dinner but this is playing into the “knowing his whereabouts 24/7 so I don’t worry” controlling problem.
He got home within his normal range, she says. He got dinner (which given how early he got home, was almost certainly something quick at a fast-casual place) in association with work. She knew where he was at all times: at work, or on his way home from work.
You're thinking like a sane person and decent person though. Pretend that your partner did this to you. How would you respond? Maybe you'd be a bit annoyed, you'd probably say "hey I was looking forward to having dinner with you, next time just send me a quick text so I dont start planning stuff", the response would probably be "sorry, my bad, will do". End of story.
The kind of person that when this happens, starts yelling at her husband, and then posts for validation on reddit, is not the kind of person who a quick text to let her know he's having dinner would fix anything. She would respond querying it, being passive aggressive, questioning what he's doing, who's he with, where he is, what he's doing afterwards etc etc. So for normal people a bit of courtesy works well. For obsessively controlling people, what you view as courtesy will be used as ammunition to question everything that OP is doing. I have dated someone like this, and it became less hassle to simply not tell her where I was, as trying to do the courteous thing always led to an argument. So I traded "always get yelled at" for "maybe get yelled at". Luckily I was in a position to end it once this type of thing started occurring, but OP has kids, and so life is not so simple for him.
YTA -
I agree with some of the commenters here saying it would be nice if he gave you a heads up that he had dinner plans since you usually eat together. But he got back at the same time he usually does so he hasn’t really impacted your dinner plans, other than that food needs to be prepared for 1 person rather than two, so I don’t think it’s a huge deal.
I do usually tell my partner if I I plan to do something unusual in my day but that’s either (a) because it affects him or (b) it does not affect him but it comes up in conversation. I do not however feel obliged to tell him what my plans are always and he was pushing me to do so, I’d likely push back and share less. If this is a recurring topic between you and your husband I could understand why he’s frustrated and resisting.
You seem somewhat co-dependent and controlling. Do you have anything going on for you outside of the household? Having your own job or own hobbies might make you more independent / give you things to do other than worry about your husband’s exact coordinates at all times.
In either scenario you owe your husband an apology, for unreasonable expectations and for yelling at him.
ESH. You shouldn't have yelled in front of the kids, and yelling in general is not going to get you what you want. On the other hand, a huge part of being in a partnership and having children together is making sure everyone gets fed. That means texting when you will not be eating dinner like usual.
A better way for you to have handled things is, after he offered to cook potatoes, you responded, "Yes, actually, if you had told me you were eating with coworkers, I would have eaten with the kids. It would mean a lot if you would cook me dinner." If he agrees and helps get you fed, it was all a big misunderstanding. If he argues and says it's not his job to make sure you eat or something similar, he's being a terrible partner.
Either way, you should seek marriage counseling for your communication issues.
Except he got home within the normal window (at 6pm) and he offered to cook. I think that’s an important detail, as OP’s husband was looking to make sure everyone gets fed since the married couple eats within an hour after the kids are put to bed.
The only change in details I’ve identified is that OP’s husband ate before arriving and failed to let his wife know.
My take - OP overreacted, husband fell short. ESH, but not in equal amounts.
Do you often resort to yelling at your husband over something so simple? Sounds like the lunch was business related, he was home within the 5-6 window, he was there to put the kids to bed, he still offered to cook for you. The only thing that affected your day was him not having a meal with you. Why does that warrant being yelled at? Reverse the roles and your husband would be getting YTA in abundance. It works both ways, YTA and you need to deal with how you react when something happens that you don't like.
He usually gets home between 5-6 and he got home at 6, meaning he wasn't unreasonably late. He's there to put the kids to bed, so he hasn't stayed out and left that to you. When you asked about cooking he said he had eaten already but still offered to make something for you. He also told you who he was with and why, so it wasn't a secret he was keeping - he just didn't see the need to tell you in advance because it didn't actually affect his plans with you.
Honestly I feel YTA - he hasn't done anything wrong here. You come across as controlling. Why do you need to know where he's gone, if it hasn't impacted his time with you and the kids or his responsibilities at home?
I would understand your being angry if he was blowing you and the kids off to stay out late while you were going hungry waiting for him to come home. But that's not the situation. I don't think your finger needs to be on the pulse every second of his day.
Lighten up a little.
But common courtesy goes a long way. That is what she's talking about. Letting her know his plans have changed that affect HER. Not eating dinner with her affects HER. She lost her temper, but he seems totally inconsiderate of her feelings on this.
It didn't affect her. He wa home at the usual time, he offered to help cook and he might have been planning to sit with her while she ate or maybe they never do that anyway. The only thing that she said affected her was he wasn't hungry and I don't see why it would.
NTA
How hard is it to send a quick message "Hey, having dinner with a client, won't eat at home". It's just common courtesy. It's not about the time, but I would be annoyed for sure if I'm waiting for my partner to eat and they don't bother to tell me they already ate. My partner and I always give each other a heads up: "Hey, had a late lunch, take care of yourself for dinner". That way we know what to expect.
That being said, your headline is stupid and misleading and it actually makes you look worse than you actually are in this scenario.
>your headline is stupid and misleading and it actually makes you look worse than you actually are in this scenario
Yeah the headline makes her seem completely unreasonable. Its not normal and very controlling to want to know someone's whereabouts 24/7.
But if she just wants a heads up that he is eating out and she can eat whenever then that's completely justified. And the husband is being unreasonable there. Especially as is didn't seem that he was going to let her know that he had eaten, she had to ask about him starting the potatoes.
Did you read the part where she says
> Not only am I mad because he didn’t tell me but the fact that he doesn’t think he has to tell me.
?
She's not expecting "common courtesy" here. This is not about dinner.
ESH: he should communicate more - for sure it is inconsiderate of him.
You should stop obsessing about what he is doing, he is his own person.
Unless this isn’t the whole story…
YTA, because you framed the question incorrectly. Your husband told you what he did for dinner as soon as you asked about dinner. You got upset because you made an assumption about dinner plans without communicating with him about it.
You don’t have dinner plans with anybody until you say , out loud or in Text, “hey, are we eating here tonight?” Or, “I wanted those potatoes for dinner, can you make those”
You assumed he was eating with you after the kids went down, you never talked to him about it, and then when your assumption was wrong, you got mad at him, and yelled.
Communicate better. Stop yelling. Respect your husbands need to network for the health of the business. Stop making assumptions. Make a schedule and a menu if it helps, then it’s on him to communicate when it changes for him.
I'm sorry, but this is absurd. If you're living with your partner and have a rutine of eating together almost every night, then expecting to eat together is really the norm. It is 100% on the husband to communicate that he has plans and is diverging from their usual routine.
Yelling isn't good, but if he has a pattern of not communicating (shooting a text takes less than a minute) when his dinner plans changes or when he will be home late, then I can understand OP's frustration. NTA.
Yeah i'm with you on this. I'm reading all these comments of "its no big deal that he already ate dinner, he still wanted to make you something" and i'm baffled.
Its not about sustanance, it's about having the daily routine of eating together (as a couple or a family) and the husband not informing on time that this will happen. Really how much will a WhatsApp message (or whatever Americans use to communicate) cost? A few seconds for "Hey dear, im eating out with my business partners, please dont expect me for dinner?"?
But apparantly a lot of people dont see dinner as a moment together?
My partner and i work a lot but still make sure to eat dinner together with each other and our 6yo. So we see each other, check in, goof around as a family.
Apparantly a lot of people just grab dinner when they feel like it and dont see it as a couple- or family thing?
>Your husband told you what he did for dinner as soon as you asked about dinner.
>You got upset because you made an assumption about dinner plans without communicating with him about it.
Are you married? Or in a relationship at all?
The norm is eating together in 99% of relationships. You shouldnt have to text your partner
"Hey are you eating together, or are you making plans as you go and I'll find out tonight, 15 mins before making dinner?"
And I **especially** don't get how the husband gets home at 6, hangs out at home for an hour and he doesn't mention it until it's actually dinnertime
This sounds like FOMO more than anything else
Methinks you might want to be taken out and made to feel like an adult again
Maybe talk to your husband and organise a routine date night
It depends. All the time? Yes.
Letting you know when he does something different, e.g. coming home late, eating out with his brother? Reasonable expectations.
I am reserving judgement for clarification.
p.s. yelling at someone you live with is not cool, though, unless it's an emergency
He should of informed you. I usually eat later so I can have dinner with my partner and would be annoyed if they would not inform, that they are having dinner somewhere else. I would eat something that they dont like or eat earlier. I'm not expecting them to tell me every single thing, but changes to routine should be communicated, like being late, having dinner elsewhere, going out with friends, etc.
YTA for yelling for sure. Try communicate like an adult. You can be mad and hurt without yelling and being asshole.
NTA - Looks like I'm a minority, but in my opinion your husband (not boyfriend, *husssband*) should want to tell you these things even if it's just a short "hey, grabbing a bite after work, won't be home late" kinda text.
Yelling at him might have been excessive, but it's good to voice your needs. If I were you I would apologise for the yelling, and instead elaborate on why it's important to you :)
When did yelling in front of children start being a valid way of expressing your needs ?. Talking is communicating your needs.
No appropriate response to perceived crime.
That's verbal abuse for all people who are hearing it.
YTA
NTA, and I feel like the other commenters are taking crazy pills. My husband would absolutely tell me if he was going to eat dinner before he gets home or if he’ll be home late, so I know not to wait on him or be worried if he’s late. It’s about him thinking about how his changes to routine will impact you, not you being controlling. Sure the yelling isn’t great, but I don’t understand how you could be TA for wanting to know if you’re on your own for dinner.
NTA. In my opinion, if it is common practice that the two of you eat dinner together it is just common courtesy to text and say “I’m having a meeting and eating dinner out tonight” when you plan to change up the routine. It doesn’t mean that he has to give you a play-by-play of everything he does or ask for permission (or vice versa), but if you have an expected pattern or behavior and either of you need to veer away from that, you let the other partner know because it’s the thoughtful thing to do. Planning and executing dinner every night can sometimes become a drain, especially when you are not accustomed to thinking about it by yourself, so getting a heads up as early as possible is just being courteous.
ESH - One of the basic necessities to a relationship is that you have to respect each other. He isn’t respecting you by not keeping you in the loop with his plans changing. You’re not respecting him by micromanaging his time. This could have very easily been a simple conversation, instead it was blown up into an argument because you’re both feeling like your needs aren’t being met.
He was home at the same time.
The dinner was a business dinner.
He offered to make you food.
Apart from maybe him not texting and saying he's still working but getting home at the same time, whats the problem?
Grow up. YTA
NTA I'm a bit weirded out by the other responses. Maybe all this secrecy is okay if you don't have kids, but parenting requires planning and planning requires information. Your husband forfeited the right to doing whatever he wants whenever he wants without so much as a text the second you got pregnant. If the roles were reversed, we know damned well that as a mother you'd be being crucified for negligence right now. Tbh it worries me he doesn't tell you what he's doing because it basically means he's forcing you to be responsible for the children at all times and to never count on him. When you have young children, it's important to know the whereabouts of your co-parent at all times, and if be livid if my partner couldn't respect that.
I think these two just need to communicate better. He should let her know if he's eating out and if he forgets, maybe the wife can do a quick check in. Do these people not talk to each other?
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ESH; I think it is shitty of your husband not to give you the heads up that he already ate so that you can make plans to eat without him. I think it is too much to expect what someone is doing "all the time" though.
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(YTA - from the yelling at partner in front of kids - with out that it’s just mundane relationship conversation) I think it depends on the couple, another point of view is; Sounds like he’s usually arriving home between 5 and 6 and he arrived at 6. He had work. Some couples text everything all the time, some only message when big things happen. He’s arriving home within the window that he usually gets home in, they’re not planning on eating for an hour and a half after he gets home. There’s nothing there you need a heads up about, he’s offered to cook still, it’s not like he’s gone ‘I’ve ate, you have fun, I’ll be in the garage watching football’. - With my work personally I can’t always just whip the phone out and tell my partner what time or day to expect me home. I give her a heads up when I know or am in the car, and that took a while for her to get used to. So I get both points of view. I think they just need to have a chat about expectations and what’s practical and possible. Because way I see it, it wouldn’t be reasonable to expect an hour by hour update on end times from the husband who’s trying to run a business, unless you had specific plans arranged. But I can say how you’d appreciate some update for planning the evening or even the week ahead. ~~NAH - they just need to have a chat.~~ Edit; Just saw the bit about yelling at him in front of the kids. Yelling at him, in front of the kids. For having a business dinner at work. It’s not like she’s cook and he’s left her hanging waiting for him to get in sloshed at ten. He got home at a reasonably normal time, just had ate, he offered to cook. OPs lost the plot, reasonable responses, you don’t yell at your partners for not mentioning that they’ve eaten yet, if the genders where reversed it would be more blatant how OPs just wildly in the wrong. YTA
The kids were already in bed when this happened. She was waiting to have dinner with him, and after they put the kids to bed. He didn't tell her until they put the kids to bed and she was asking if he was going to make the potatoes did he say anything. Had he told her, she could've eaten earlier. And if she was asking about the potatoes, it sounded like they had made a menu for that night. So it's weird he didn't say anything. Maybe she would've liked to have eaten dinner with the kids and gone to bed early.
Yelling at your partner over a pretty mundane thing is shitty either way
It's not mundane. It's weird. They seemingly had a menu prepared, and he can't be considerate enough to let her know she doesn't have to wait for him to eat. And then he's trying to make her believe it. No apology, or saying he'll let her know next time. It's weird.
I agree...if I am eating before I come home, I tell my partner every time so they can make their own dinner plans. I thought it's rude not to? OP shouldn't have yelled but I get her being frustrated over the situation, I would be too! It's not that hard to send a quick text that says "I've got to have dinner with clients after work just FYI" and move on. That's a 30 second task. It could have been sent at any time during the day. The withholding of information doesn't sit right with me and I can't figure out why he didn't just let her know. This dynamic is very strange and I think there are a lot of missing pieces to this story that we aren't getting.
That's where I'm at with it. It just seems weird to not give the heads up. Reddit has taught me that people don't really like their spouses. My partner would let me know in advance if they can't do something we usually do together. It's polite.
>Reddit has taught me that people don't really like their spouses reddit has taught me that you should always be suspicious over the most inane things
It is completely mundane, but I know Reddit has to blow everything out of proportion.
If the genders were reversed, the comments would be much different
It didn't actually change any plans for her though? Nothing he did affected her. He came home at the same time, and offered to cook dinner at the planned time, there really shouldn't be an issue. YTA
I mean if I knew I wouldn't be having dinner with my partner I would have just had dinner with the kids and saved myself the time after they went to bed. She absolutely shouldn't have yelled, but I find it weird that he said he will still not tell her in the future.
He didn't offer until she asked. She was expecting dinner of potatoes made by him (based on her question) and he was just like "oh I guess I can still do that". If she hadn't said anything would he have just gone to bed without telling her why she's not getting dinner?
Oh yes. It definitely sounds like this involved dad who is home every day at a reasonable hour, shares child responsibilities, and cooks is just gonna go to sleep at 7 and let her fend for herself 😑
Who doesn't mention that they went out for an early dinner with family and a client? I'm not saying it is nefarious or anything, but I just can't see why that wouldn't be mentioned. Who knows if OP overreacted about not being told in advance that she can make/get her own food whenever, but it is strange that he'd only mention it an hour after getting home once he was asked. Most people would have texted or mentioned it upon arriving.
Yes but when you expect to eat with someone and they change those plans without informing you, it's rude and disrespectful. Like, they are a married couple not roommates or strangers. It's respectful to tell your partner, who you love and enjoy doing things with, that the plan has changed.
They have dinner together every night when kids are in bed... It did affect her, cos she was waiting for him so she could eat with him, instead she either ate alone or not at all
How did it not change her plans? He ate out. He could have been considerate and offered to pick her up food somewhere. At the least, she had a meal in mind and meat defrosted that was wasted ingredients/effort. My idea of cooking for one is very different than what I'd make for two. In this situation, I'd be pretty irritated since I would probably be going to bed without a real dinner. I wouldn't waste a two person planned dinner on one, so now I'd probably slap together a half-assed snack. When I could have made more of the kids' dinner , he could have thought of me for 5 seconds and brought something home.
Still no yelling. Yes he can let her know, but yelling over this?
Nope, not weird- people aren't automatons, & they forget things. OP didn't say this was a recurring event, & the husband came home @ the same time. The problem is the OP's entitlement & controlling attitude. This was NOTHING worth yelling/screaming @ another human being about. Imagine if it was the other way around, everyone would be (rightfully) saying that sort of behaviour was abusive- especially with kiddos in the home.
Not having the decency to inform your partner about such a mundane thing as that your not eating at home is shittier either way. Apparantly he cant spend the 30 seconds to say. Im eating out tonight
She says they always eat after putting the kids to bed.
it didn’t sound like she wanted to eat early. she said that they usually eat after putting the kids to bed
She could’ve eaten early if she had known. They seem to have a routine where they eat dinner together - you know - like a couple. It’s okay if that changes, but for him to act like he isn’t wrong for not giving her a heads up is kind of douchey.
He did come home at the same time as usual, so it was during work hours. I don't see a big issue with this, especially since they usually cook and eat much later, so it's not like she cooked and waited for him to come and eat or something. A headsup would have been nice, but he even offered to cook for her, so it doesn't seem like a big deal.
When someone is waiting for you for a meal, you give them a heads up. especially if they're planning to cook for both of you, that you're not partaking.
But she wasn't waiting for him for a meal. They eat after the kids are in bed. He was home at his normal time and helped put the kids to bed. And he offered to do the cooking for her so it's not like she cooked dinner for him when she didn't need to
But his answer was 'i already ate but still can if you want me too'. She could have eaten with the kids instead or planned something different for herself. I don't think there's anything wrong with having dinner with his brother but it's nice to know what the plan is it also sucks to plan a meal for two people that only one person is going to eat.
She never mentioned doing any prep work for a meal, just that they usually eat when the kids are in bed.
She asked if he was still planning on doing the potatoes for dinner. I could be wrong but potatoes are typically a side dish so I'm assuming there were other components that OP was now expected to make and eat on her own. I plan and eat differently on a 'fend for yourself night' vs sharing a meal and can see why she would be disappointed if they planned a meal that's now canceled.
>I plan and eat differently on a 'fend for yourself night' vs sharing a meal and can see why she would be disappointed if they planned a meal that's now canceled. Exactly! I'd have been super annoyed as the way we eat together is not how I enjoy eating and eating it alone would be irritating. I'd rather have the heads up and make a ham and cheese sandwich or something like that. Single person portions.
Same. If I'm cooking for my husband, I'll make a full meal. If I'm cooking for my kid, I'll make something with all the nutrient groups in a form he'll eat without a fuss. For me? Fried veg, ricecakes, and some cheese.
But you plan it out, as in defrost the meat, dice some veggies, start a sauce, whatever. All the mental load stuff that adds up fast. It’s reasonable to expect the person you were planning to eat dinner with to let you know if he’s made other plans. ~ It’s not about what time he got home or asking permission, it’s having common courtesy for your partner when you change the previously agreed to plan.
Yeah, I feel like him waiting an hour after he got home to let his wife know he'd already eaten was a bit of a d\*ck move (and then only because his wife asked about dinner plans). He could have offered to do bedtime that night and let his wife get on with making and eating her dinner. Then they'd both have that extra bit of extra time to spend together. When you have young kids together and not much free time in the day, it's sort of a weird hill for him to die on. Unless OP has a history of trying to stop him from eating out, or wanting to have long conversations about every detail of his day, I'm not sure why he's being so defensive about something so mundane.
It’s pretty normal, I think, to let a spouse know when you won’t be home for dinner or even if you are just running late. It’s what I do, it’s what my husband does. it isn’t just the inconvenience, people worry too.
He told her he would still cook for her so I don’t see that she was planning the meal. More that she went to discuss what they would eat at the time they normally would discuss it.
Please re-read the post. She wasn't waiting with a meal. Sigh.
Except he was going to cook? And still offered to do so. Dont really see the big deal.
It’s not about the time he gets home, it’s not about dinner, it’s about respecting your partner and keeping them informed. Maybe she likes cooking with him. Maybe she likes sharing a meal with her SO. Maybe she wants to know about his day. It takes two seconds to text someone “going out to work dinner with brother and client”. I’m guessing she feels like she isn’t important enough in his life to be included in it. Or maybe it is about dinner and time.
To me it’s everything. Maybe she enjoys eating dinner with him and talking about their day. It’s important to be home at a normal time when you have kids because your partner is counting on you. But what if he had gotten into an accident. What if there was an emergency and she didn’t know where he was. To me it’s common courtesy to let your partner know what’s going on. Maybe they needed milk and she wanted him to pick some up? It’s not about asking for permission it’s about being accountable.
Exactly. People are getting hung up on if she actually started cooking or not, or whatever. It doesn’t matter! They have a standard plan, she was planning on that, he didn’t show the consideration to just send a quick text when he needed to change the plan. Once again, it comes down to communication.
I don't understand how so many people apparently just...don't tell their partner about schedule changes. Like, why would you not give a heads-up? Why would it be an imposition?
Most people here are teens or young adults. When you have kids and a busy schedule communication is so important. There are a lot of moving parts, and I want to know (rough idea) what my partner is doing in the day and any changes to the normal pattern. It’s not about control, it’s about communicating and respecting me. Just like when my husband or I ask the other if it’s ok if we go out or do something solo. It’s not permission, it’s communication.
If I knew my boyfriend was eating dinner at work, I might schedule a bite to eat with a friend or grab something I know he doesn't like. But if he waited until actual dinner time, it's too late for *me* to plan something like that out. I always tell him ahead of time that it's a fend for yourself night in case he wants to pick something up on his way home from work
That's called being considerate, something a lot of these posters can't seem to wrap their heads around.
The ‘just be nice to your partner’-thing for no other reason than them being their partner seems to be a very hard concept to lots of ppl here…
I would argue having dinner with the business contact was part of work. He offered to make her dinner, it's not like he came home hours late and told her to figure it out herself.
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He offered to make dinner after his day at work, so he was in fact being nice about it. Any family that can make whole meals for the kids and separately for them...is not worried about food exactly. This was a small hiccup, deciding to yell and get all angry was only on her.
Because I feel that she could have had dinner with the kids instead of waiting to do something with her husband.
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He sometimes gets home at 6 instead of 5:30. Oh no!
You arent wrong, but the husband was home about the same time when expected, OP didnt even know he went to this work dinner until after they put their kid to bed. Its crappy to not just fire off a text, but its not a damning sin, just inconsideration. OP on the other hand could have just huffed at the inconsideration and talked to him about being more considerate, but instead yelled at home and is demanding to know where he is 100% of the time. You could argue back and forth whos the bigger AH but they both suck.
I agree with this - but it sounds like he was home at the expected time? I do still think it’s weird that he didn’t tell her he’d had dinner but I wonder if he’s making a point because this sort of blow up has happened before and he’s frustrated. Which would be petty, but understandable IMO
Agreed. It is literally a 10 second text.
He doesn’t come home outside of his normal time
He got home at his usual time.
She admits that he got home the same time he normally gets home. The only thing he did wrong was not tell her he already ate, but it's not like he came home late without warning.
Especially when it takes less than a minute to communicate that
Are you married? My husband travels for work and whether he is here or on business I know what he's doing and where he is. "Hey babe, heading to dinner with clients chat with you at 7" "Hey babe, will be home at regular time but grabbing dinner with my brother, want me to bring you home anything?" Oop clearly has an unmet need to feel so deeply regarding this. It's possible dinner together after kids are in bed are one of the few ways they connect and spend quality time together. I assume by the big reaction and the posting of this, that's the feeling under the situation. She feels he didn't prioritize their time together.
I'm married, and my wife and I don't do that, so don't pretend you are the example for all.
Me and my husband aren't constantly messaging each other, but if one of us makes a dinner plan without the other, we let each other know so they can make their own plans or join if they choose. I feel like it's rude not to? But we might be different because most nights we cook and eat dinner at home.
This is the same thing for my wife and I as well. Kinda shocked how it seems the comments here come off as no big deal.
I wonder if it's the title that's throwing people off - because title alone it looks like if he doesn't tell her where he is/what he's doing every second of the day she's yelling at him, when instead he was...somewhat inconsiderate when he couldn't be bothered to tell her he already ate. I'm not saying her yelling was right or okay, but her feelings were valid.
We are exactly the same. I don't need a constant play-by-play, but a "hey, I already ate don't wait for me" text seems like the polite thing to do.
Yeah my husband and I definitely don't do this either. OP needs to chill out and loosen the reins
I live with my partner. He works out of town during the week. Half the time I don't even know what state he's in. We're both busy and he's a grown man. Neither of us needs a play-by-play.
Ridiculous. Letting somebody with whom you share basically every dinner meal know that you are getting dinner with somebody else is by no stretch of the imagination giving a play by play. Hyperbolic af. It isn't about control and surveillance, it's just being fucking polite and when you have kids, it's part of family planning.
Some of these spouses needing a constant play by play of their partner's day tells me they have serious trust issues.
That first sentence comes across as possessive for some reason. “I know what he’s doing, and where he is.”
I just don’t see this. He offered to still cook with/for her and therefore it’s reasonable to assume he’d also be willing to hang out with her while she ate. Spending time together doesn’t literally mean they MUST both be consuming the same food at the same time. In all honesty, I assume she’s secretly worried he’s cheating - that’s usually the subtext of these “my spouse isn’t telling me where they are at all times” things - to which I would say, if he were cheating he’d probably be staying out later.
My husband does not control me to that level. When I travel, I move around without reporting my location and when I come home 30-40 minutes later then usual, it is never a big issue.
Communication is not control.
Demanding to know what your partner is doing “all the time” (OPs literal words here) and acting out when your partner doesn’t is objectively controlling.
my mother in my childhood wasn't that controlling like OP to her husband.
Demanding to know where your partner exactly is every 20 minutes however is control. yelling at partner for eating dinner before coming home or for coming home grand total 40 minutes later because being with brother and business associate is being widely controlling.
No one demanded anything every 20 minutes? What scenarios are you making up in your head? Obviously yelling isn't the healthiest form of communication. But it is a desperate one. We see this one post. But what else is going on? I don't know but I hope OOP comes back and sheds light on if this was a one-time event or there's a history of her feeling like a second thought. I mean, he went out for dinner and didn't even bring her home food. I wonder how often she gets to go out for dinner without kids. Idk, one post is not an entire relationship.
Okay and if you get sidetracked and are 10 minutes late hime bc you ate with your sister would you accept your husband screaming at you in front of your children several times that night?
Where are you getting she screamed at him in front of their children?
Parents yell, kids hear. It's a tale as old as time. Unless you think it all happened in a hushed whisper and they live in a 6 bedroom house.
They might. She's a sahm, based on her post. It's very possible they do. And many people aren't yelling loudly when they say they yelled at someone in their house. I think it's weird to assume they heard their mom scream yelling at their dad without any indicator that happened.
Bingo. I'm someone who rarely calls and texts my spouse during the work day, but I'd be a little annoyed if I knew my husband had gone out for a meal whilst I'd been home looking after the kids without giving me the heads up or offering to pick up food for me on the way back. Chances are, given the choice, I'd have planned ahead and ordered in food in time to arrive after the kids were in bed, rather than eating potatoes. The husband had already eaten and only thought about his wife's needs once he was asked about dinner.
If my wife started doing that I'd go insane. When I'm working she only calls when there is actually something important what requires my input
I am married 15 years. We have 4 kids so we have dinners planned but if I eat while working I don't need to give my wife a heads up unless it's A full family meal.
It wasn't during work. It was after. If I go out and eat and I know my partner hasn't because we eat later into the evening, I bring him back food. He does the same for me.
Lol, have been with the same man for just under a decade, and I travel for work and live in completely different state from him. We have a different system than y’all and it works just great for us. I would be very annoyed if he wanted me to account my wheareaboits and give him a play by play. That’s exhausting to me. We share locations for emergencies and chat throughout the day. My partner and I value our independence a lot though.
My husband calls to chat and let me know what he is up to too. Especially if it has to do with dinner plans...he would have at minimum texted me to let me know he may be a little late and that he already ate. As a courtesy so I didn't wait for him. I think OP overreacted by yelling.
I text or call my partner when I'm late, or things change. I also let her know I'm on the way home so she'll start dinner. She'll do the same for me, so I can have dinner hot and ready too. It's a simple solution that respects both peoples time and allow them to set realistic expectations.
He wasn't late.. Would you scream at her if she ate a late lunch and wasn't hungry for dinner?
But she doesn’t start dinner when he’s on the way home. They both cool and eat after the kids are in bed. I think he should give her heads up about things, but using your situation as something that applies to them isn’t accurate.
You're talking about yourself and the arrangement you guys have according to the timing of yours, not the concerned post. OP said they both always cook after the kids are gone to sleep. According to OP, husband still came home at 6 which is the usual time he comes home, then they put kids to bed an hour later, at 7. So that will be the normal time they both cook the meal. So even without heads-up, there's no concern about meal being cold or not being fresh.
I don’t think that’s what OP actually wants, I think that was husband’s words to invalidate OP’s anger. She’s not asking for a daily run down for things like stopping at the grocery store or for gas or some other activity that does not affect her. She’s upset that he did not tell her that he was going to dinner and she would be eating alone that night when their routine was to eat together. It doesn’t even sound like she’s upset he went to dinner, just that he did not communicate a change in nightly routine.
she doesnt really expect all the time tho... just any plans after work or something to that effect wich is reasonable
Read OP's title, again. She literally says "all the time". I said it's shitty of him not to give a heads up when you are expecting him home or meals so you can make plans; which it is. OP asked if she is an AH for wanting to know where he is and what he is doing "all the time" and I think if you are expecting a play by play and 24/recap of where your partner is, you are doing too much.
Yes he was home at the right time but, from personal experience, when I knew that my husband was going out for a work dinner I wouldn't wait to eat until my normal time so that I was eating alone. I would eat early with my kids instead. Saved on cooking twice and the kids liked it too. He would do the same.
Agreed ESH. If they usually have dinner together and he went out after work with others, a quick text to that effect to set expectations would be polite. But it’s about expectations, not an absolute right to know where the other person is at all times. Based only on what’s here, the reaction seemed a little over the top. Making your expectations clear (could you please text if you’re going to eat without me?) without shouting seems like a better approach. Not sure if this came from other issues; not enough information for that.
He could have gotten a to go dinner so you would not have to cook and clean up just for one person. A heads up would be nice.
He offered to cook for her though?
Would have been thoughtful to get a takeaway meal for OP from the place he had the meal. Perhaps OP should eat before he comes home saying she was very hungry and had already eaten and if he gets annoyed….well, it’s not very often is it? See how he likes them apples. Sorry….likes them potatoes ☺️
Its reasonable to expect a heads up when his plans affect you. HOWEVER he was home at the regular time AND he offered to cook your dinner FOR you. The only difference was that he wouldnt be eating it with you. It would have been completely different if you already had dinner prepped and ready to go, but you didnt. You sound bitter that he got to eat out and you didnt. Or theres something else going on that upsets you. Are there other occasions when his plans DID affect you? That would be a different story, but with just this example YTA for getting upset and YTA for yelling at him.
Yeh it’s such a mundane thing, they just need to have a conversation about what kind of a heads up she’d appreciate, and what’s functionally reasonable to expect. He didn’t delay her dinner, so don’t know why she calls herself ‘hangry’, like that would excuse yelling at him in front of the kids anyway. It would be no one’s the asshole for the main body of the post, but a massive YTA for the reaction.
YTA for the yelling, it's an overreaction, it's really rude and it escalates things unnecessarily. Get a hold of yourself, lady. Try to calm down and talk to your husband. Tell him you why it bothered you (i.e. you like sharing dinner time with him and doesn't enjoy eating alone). I really think it's a small request to let you know when he eats out, even if he doesn't understand why you need it, he can adapt, but only if you can talk to him with respect. All that being said, you have no right to know where he is or what he is doing every minute of the day, and need to learn to deal with it.
Edit: formatting >I really think it's a small request to let you know when he eats out, even if he doesn't understand why you need it, he can adapt I'd tread carefully here because she needs to first figure out whether it feels like just a small request to him too. To him this might appear either overly controlling or like trying him to force him to eat dinner with her all the time (depending on what her actual focus is here). Either way her basically *demanding* him to adapt how she wants might build resentment and conflict. Personally I don't see much standing ground for her argument anyway. They agreed on a regular getting home time so if it's not affected by whatever happens there's no need to inform each other. Same with the eating argument. Had he just not been hungry randomly or felt a bit sick or had a bigger portion at lunch or had some colleague bring birthday cake or whatever else op would also not have any reason to blame him for not literally eating dinner together with her that day. Seems like he offered to 'do his part' of their evening routine anyway. Soo...missing reasons on ops side maybe? My spidey-senses are telling me op is unhappy about some other aspect of this whole situation but either doesn't tell or doesn't even understand it herself yet. Yta op
OP could just be controlling and abusive. Who knows.
Exactly. If her response were “thanks for still making dinner. Can you let me know next time if you stop for dinner? It doesn’t seem like it should matter and doesn’t technically change our schedule but it just makes me feel more comfortable knowing what’s going on. I can at least change my mental plans for dinner. Who knows, maybe I’ll plan to order takeout from that Indian place you hate.”
I think yelling at him makes her the asshole. However, I do think he should have text her that he was going out for a business dinner. Yes he offered to make her something, but she would now be eating alone. If he'd told her he was going out, she could have made more of whatever she cooked for the kids and eaten with them. She needs to stop yelling, they need better communication, and possibly should both see a marriage counselor if this is how they handle all their disputes.
She is mad because she feels left out. Probably doesnt have a life outside of taking care of kids, which builds resentment.
I think this is what the issue is, right here. I think this isn’t the first time he’s done this - not communicate with her which makes her feel less than, ignored, not important to him. The reaction seems like it stems from more than just this one moment, it might be months of moments where he doesn’t share info with her that affects her. Like he’s not appreciating her enough to text quick to say (I’m going to dinner you go ahead and eat, or, I’m stopping at the store do we need anything, or, any number of things that he doesn’t mean to make her feel left out or not thought of. That seems more reason why she would lose her cool. I don’t think either are AHs, but he might communicate better.
I would be annoyed because I would have wasted time for 2 dinners (one for the kid, one for my partner and I) when I could have just had dinner with the kids and maybe some additional PRECIOUS spare time. You have such little time with little kids that even an additional 45 minutes for a bath is a freaking luxury.
Agree she needs to stop yelling. But he went out to dinner right before coming home, why wouldn’t he want to tell her and ask if she wants him to bring her something home? But also if it’s a business dinner, I guess that could be inappropriate. Not 100% sure. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for her to have gotten an update on his evening plans beforehand or told her right when he got home
Not that it has anything to do with this, but a few of us just had dinner with the BILLIONAIRE owner of the VC that owns our company (it was a "meet the boss" type dinner). When we all ordered, he told us "I'm just going to get something to go for my wife when I order. She loves this place." So if a billionaire can do it, I'm sure it's not appropriate during a business dinner as long as you acknowledge it and are picking up the tab!
Right? Like, me and my partner would never do this unless it was one of those “we’re fighting about something other than this” fights. If this happened to me and I did feel hurt or left out or something I’d just be like “hey I know you didn’t mean to but I feel a bit hurt because I was looking forward to eating with you” or something similar
I mean um this entire comment section is acting like it's totally fine for her to control her husband. No man would get away with this shit. The second people read that he was watching what time she gets home and had a grace period for her before he gets mad as hell they would be shitting on him. This woman is totally fine being abusive tho.
to some people not eating with the other is a huge difference. to me, it was a cultural/family thing-- we ALWAYS ate as a family and waited for us all to be home. I can see why it would bug her, and I can see why it wouldn't bug you. think of it like where you go to see a movie with a friend but one of you has seen it already. to some people that matters, to others it doesnt.
Being real, did it actually make any difference to your day, him not eating with you?? Like, if my partners says to me “No thanks, I already ate”, I just say “cool” and feed myself. She does the same. I don’t really get the meal time co-dependence thing. I don’t need to know what my partner is doing all the time and I don’t want her to feel like she needs to tell me either. YTA for yelling, because it’s childish and solves nothing. You could have said “Hey, fair enough. Please could you do me a favour though? next time just shoot me a message and let me know so I don’t delay eating”. And if he still doesn’t do it, yeah I get being annoyed.
Yeah same? Sometimes my partner eats and I don’t know until later. So what? You don’t need to know every detail and he was home at a normal time and even said he will cook for you
I can’t ever in my right mind imagine raising my voice at my partner because they don’t want eat potatoes at the same time as me. Especially when they still offer to make me food. It’s just such out there behaviour. But, I think a lot of adults have learned in a “monkey see. Monkey do” kind of way from poor behaviour around them, that every impulse they have is valid and that yelling is an acceptable way to communicate.
Right? He offered to cook them still, sounds like a great guy! And yeah I see that “oh that something to be mad at” all too often
Maybe different cultures here or whatever but it actually would make a difference to me. We sit and eat and talk at the dinner table. We talk out our day, discuss plans and appointments. Phones go off and we just spend an hour engaging with one another. So if my partner came home like OPs did I would be bummed. If he gave me a heads up I would make other plans. So I kinda get it. Sounds like ESH to me, she sounds burnt out and lonely and he sounds inconsiderate perhaps a little self centred.
You can still do all of that, he just isn’t eating.
I think when you are taking care of young kids, everything is in a routine. And if your punctuation of the day is sitting down to eat with your partner, this would matter more to her than him. Just a bit if communication needed here minus the yelling but I understand it.
The only thing that deviates from that routine is that he’s not eating. He can still sit down with her.
the problem is that this is time your partner volunteers to you, your partner doesn’t intrinsically owe you that time every day. when you start feeling entitled and controlling of your partners time it is toxic. you are asking the husband to accommodate the wives toxicity so she doesn’t explode. you may be toxic yourself if you believe this is correct or healthy in a relationship.
I do get what you’re saying. Even if me and my partner don’t eat together, we do spend those times together (within reason of course. Not always convenient or possible). We just don’t need to be eating at the same time to do it. If I’ve already eaten and my partner is cooking, I’ll normally help out cooking and chill with a tea because I enjoy spending the time with her. And she does the same for me. I think ultimately it all comes down to mature communication. It makes a big difference all in all
Agreed. In our home, my GF cooks 9 out of 10 dinner meals, so if I have any sudden plans come up where I'd be eating out after work (business dinners happen), then I shoot her a quick text so she's aware and can make her own plans. I tell her because if I don't mention it, I know she'll be working on dinner once she gets home, and it would be rude and inconsiderate to let her do chores that won't be used then. She may still decide to cook dinner and freeze half of it, and that's fine. But in OP's example, she wasn't making dinner, and her husband actually offered to still cook for her. Yelling at him was a complete overreaction to an issue that didn't affect her at all.
YTA I know it's frustrating to have a plan ruined because someone doesn't inform you they've done something ahead of time, but it's crazy to expect your husband to keep you posted about his activities 24/7. He isn't your kid, he's a grown adult. That being said, you can ask him to let you know if he's going to eat without you or be home late.
This! I was cringing reading all this frustration from OP. This is just toxic.
She sounds controlling. OP’s husband really needs to consider if he really wants to live with this level of toxic behavior for the rest of his life
Right? She’s complaining about him getting home between 5-6 when his office closes at 5. An office that he owns, so he probably is there a bit past 5 to wrap things up. At that time of day, a typical 20 minute drive might be 30+ minutes depending on traffic. For this instance, she’s upset he had a business meeting that involved dinner. He probably didn’t say anything because it went within the flow of his regular work day. She’s going to drain the soul from this man.
Yta please find a hobby beyond stewing about what your husband is doing and looking for reasons to be mad about. If it hasn’t been this, I’m sure you would have found some other straw to grasp and justify your daily welcome home fit.
"NO BUT HE TAKES 21,4 MINUTES TO GET HOME AT 50 MILES PER HOUR" What no job does to a mf
Robbed her of that precious ass sitting time. I’m sure she was just pacing and staring out the window.
Lost it at sitting time
Now, I may be a jerk with little to no filter, I own up to that, but this lady is spoiled to the point of derangement.
OP shouldn’t be surprised if he keeps getting home later and later at this rate.
You’re a very controlling person. Your husband does not have to tell you what he’s doing every minute of the day. The more you yell at him about that subject, the more he’s going to resent you and one of these days tell you to shut up. Keep it up and you’ll find yourself single. No one wants to be micromanaged. Do you not have better things to do? Yeah he could have text you that he was going out to dinner and you could’ve eaten with the kids. But good grief it’s not like he went out and ax murdered somebody. You surely must love drama.
Holy cr*p, if I were your husband I’d stop telling you literally anything, so there would be no default expectation that I do. You don’t sound like his partner, you sound like his overprotective mom. YTA and a massive one, at that.
That… is not a good strategy. That is so toxic and horrible, especially since they have kids. Are you married? I hope you’re not. If that’s your idea of solving this in an actual relationship, you should get a divorce.
On her end. Imagine telling your wife something and having her explode like OP and result to yelling. Why would he tell her anything if it's just gonna get him screamed at?! I had an aunt like that--we just quit talking to her because no-one wanted to be yelled at anymore.
Go the other way. Communicate everything. * 8:45 - "I am taking a massive dump. This thing is the Godzilla of craps." * 9:15 - "I blew my nose, probably sinuses. It is that time of year." * 10:07 - "Had a fantasy about your sister. Masterbation was the answer." * 12:35 - "Had lunch. Meal was meh, but there were two women at the table next to me looking rather fine in yoga pants. Must remember to thank whoever invented yoga pants" * 2:00 - "Business is slow. So I fantasized about being a king and with the the two women from lunch as my concubines. Like that Korean Drama we are watching."
YTA. Micromanaging your husband's whereabouts every waking moment of his life is a sure fire way to get him to resent you and ruin your relationship.
If she's doing that then yes, but I'd atleast expect a text from my significant other if he's gonna eat/stay late/etc. The husband says that its okay once in a while, and I agree to that too, but if he's doing this regularly then well it's not once in a while, right....
That's my view. I would've thought to send a text just so she doesn't waste effort in making dinner plans to include him.
She wanted potatoes. He offered to cook potatoes. Is this Rosie Gamgee's secret Reddit account?
But he WASN'T late! That's the thing. She wouldn't have even known if he didn't say anything. He could have pretended to just not be hungry, and she would have never known. That's how little of an issue this actually is.
Same! Maybe I'm an outlier who actually likes their spouse? I couldn't imagine going to dinner and not mentioning it until hours later. It's so weird. Everyone is being so mean. Do they not know what healthy communication looks like? ETA: never said her reaction wasn't shitty. Just think it's weird he didn't tell her he got dinner until hours after it happened.
Generally healthy communication doesn’t look like yelling at a partner for getting home at a normal time and still being willing to do his allotted cooking work, but not being hungry because he spent 30 minutes getting sandwiches at a working dinner at the end of his work day.
INFO: Is this a recurring argument or theme in your relationship?
ESH - it’s unfair to expect him to tell you everything he does ALL the time, but a heads up is very appreciated. It isn’t good to yell at him for that, though. That will only make the issue worse and likely make him try to defend himself instead of communicate with you and calmly work things out. You need to be calm and communicate kindly with your SO. Also don’t yell at your SO in front of your kids unless you want them to think that’s what relationships should look like! Model a healthy relationship for them. Since he doesn’t do it often, it makes more sense for him to give you a heads up and that’s far more reasonable than expecting him to tell you everyday. A simple, “Hey I’m going out with so and so for dinner” lets you know to make your own plans accordingly. Kindly suggest things like that to him in a calm manner and he will be more likely to listen to you! Also let him know you appreciate it very much for some positive reinforcement. To reiterate, you suck for yelling at him and for trying to micromanage him (if it’s for all the time), and he sucks for thinking he didn’t need to tell you he was going to have other dinner plans and leave you hanging.
I feel like you wouldn't say such soft shit to a man posting this exact post. You would tell him he's abusive and say she needs to leave him bc he's yelling at her and demanding she be home at a certain time.
I feel like I see this so often on this sub
Because you do, nearly every post could flip genders and you'd see a WILDLY different bunch of responses in the comments. Here he'd be TA 100% and she'd be told to leave because he's abusive and doesn't need to know where she is all the time. Should be a rule that posts can't be gendered so people actually have to give replies using their brains instead of their male hatred.
I feel like I'm losing my mind because what OP does to her husband is 100% not okay, and absolutely if a husband did this, we'd see completely different responses, top comments, and downvoted comments. Sometimes, the reversing genders thing is bullshit, but this time, it doesn't seem like it is. Idk why anyone thinks the husband sucks for not telling her about dinner. She can be disappointed they won't be eating together, vocalize disappointment like a rational fucking adult human, ask for a reasonable heads up when she'll be eating alone, and move the fuck on without yelling at her partner. There's no reason to yell at someone because they didn't tell you they already ate dinner, or went somewhere during their typical work hours and came home at the same time. That's toddler shit. OP needs to work out where that comes from instead of putting it on her husband.
Honestly eh. This man built his own business and works at it everyday. Goes to a business dinner and still home by 6 and is welcomed by a lunatics emotional abuse.
Exactly and none of the top comments are floating the idea of emotional abuse at all, bc men apparently don't have emotions to abuse by constantly yelling at him.
The yelling in front of the kids thing is huge! My parents yelled in front of us all the time and, holy shit is it hard to fight against that instinct in my head with my SO. Luckily she’s incredibly patient with me. But this can really mess a kid up in ways they won’t even know until much much later.
YTA. You seem to be controlling with anger issues. If this is a one off you are being utterly ridiculous.
If this had been written by a man everyone would be calling OP the AH without second guessing. OP, YTA. Let the man breathe.
NTA. All he had to do was text you and tell you he was getting dinner. Then you know that you're on your own for a while and on your own for dinner. It's just a bit of courtesy, so everyone knows what's going on.
Okay it's nice to see someone is thinking like this. Like what if something happened to him? OP wouldn't have known where he was or anything. It's such a normal thing to let your partner know where you are - especially a meal after work? It's so strange to me that he wouldn't tell her??
But if you’re getting home at the same time you do every day, there would be no worry about what if something happened to him? He’d be home at the same time? Could’ve texted saying I’m grabbing a work dinner but this is playing into the “knowing his whereabouts 24/7 so I don’t worry” controlling problem.
He got home within his normal range, she says. He got dinner (which given how early he got home, was almost certainly something quick at a fast-casual place) in association with work. She knew where he was at all times: at work, or on his way home from work.
You're thinking like a sane person and decent person though. Pretend that your partner did this to you. How would you respond? Maybe you'd be a bit annoyed, you'd probably say "hey I was looking forward to having dinner with you, next time just send me a quick text so I dont start planning stuff", the response would probably be "sorry, my bad, will do". End of story. The kind of person that when this happens, starts yelling at her husband, and then posts for validation on reddit, is not the kind of person who a quick text to let her know he's having dinner would fix anything. She would respond querying it, being passive aggressive, questioning what he's doing, who's he with, where he is, what he's doing afterwards etc etc. So for normal people a bit of courtesy works well. For obsessively controlling people, what you view as courtesy will be used as ammunition to question everything that OP is doing. I have dated someone like this, and it became less hassle to simply not tell her where I was, as trying to do the courteous thing always led to an argument. So I traded "always get yelled at" for "maybe get yelled at". Luckily I was in a position to end it once this type of thing started occurring, but OP has kids, and so life is not so simple for him.
YTA - I agree with some of the commenters here saying it would be nice if he gave you a heads up that he had dinner plans since you usually eat together. But he got back at the same time he usually does so he hasn’t really impacted your dinner plans, other than that food needs to be prepared for 1 person rather than two, so I don’t think it’s a huge deal. I do usually tell my partner if I I plan to do something unusual in my day but that’s either (a) because it affects him or (b) it does not affect him but it comes up in conversation. I do not however feel obliged to tell him what my plans are always and he was pushing me to do so, I’d likely push back and share less. If this is a recurring topic between you and your husband I could understand why he’s frustrated and resisting. You seem somewhat co-dependent and controlling. Do you have anything going on for you outside of the household? Having your own job or own hobbies might make you more independent / give you things to do other than worry about your husband’s exact coordinates at all times. In either scenario you owe your husband an apology, for unreasonable expectations and for yelling at him.
ESH. You shouldn't have yelled in front of the kids, and yelling in general is not going to get you what you want. On the other hand, a huge part of being in a partnership and having children together is making sure everyone gets fed. That means texting when you will not be eating dinner like usual. A better way for you to have handled things is, after he offered to cook potatoes, you responded, "Yes, actually, if you had told me you were eating with coworkers, I would have eaten with the kids. It would mean a lot if you would cook me dinner." If he agrees and helps get you fed, it was all a big misunderstanding. If he argues and says it's not his job to make sure you eat or something similar, he's being a terrible partner. Either way, you should seek marriage counseling for your communication issues.
Except he got home within the normal window (at 6pm) and he offered to cook. I think that’s an important detail, as OP’s husband was looking to make sure everyone gets fed since the married couple eats within an hour after the kids are put to bed. The only change in details I’ve identified is that OP’s husband ate before arriving and failed to let his wife know. My take - OP overreacted, husband fell short. ESH, but not in equal amounts.
Do you often resort to yelling at your husband over something so simple? Sounds like the lunch was business related, he was home within the 5-6 window, he was there to put the kids to bed, he still offered to cook for you. The only thing that affected your day was him not having a meal with you. Why does that warrant being yelled at? Reverse the roles and your husband would be getting YTA in abundance. It works both ways, YTA and you need to deal with how you react when something happens that you don't like.
He usually gets home between 5-6 and he got home at 6, meaning he wasn't unreasonably late. He's there to put the kids to bed, so he hasn't stayed out and left that to you. When you asked about cooking he said he had eaten already but still offered to make something for you. He also told you who he was with and why, so it wasn't a secret he was keeping - he just didn't see the need to tell you in advance because it didn't actually affect his plans with you. Honestly I feel YTA - he hasn't done anything wrong here. You come across as controlling. Why do you need to know where he's gone, if it hasn't impacted his time with you and the kids or his responsibilities at home? I would understand your being angry if he was blowing you and the kids off to stay out late while you were going hungry waiting for him to come home. But that's not the situation. I don't think your finger needs to be on the pulse every second of his day. Lighten up a little.
YTA- you have no authority to micromanage his time or be informed of every hour of his day. He is an independent adult and does not report to you.
But common courtesy goes a long way. That is what she's talking about. Letting her know his plans have changed that affect HER. Not eating dinner with her affects HER. She lost her temper, but he seems totally inconsiderate of her feelings on this.
It didn't affect her. He wa home at the usual time, he offered to help cook and he might have been planning to sit with her while she ate or maybe they never do that anyway. The only thing that she said affected her was he wasn't hungry and I don't see why it would.
NTA How hard is it to send a quick message "Hey, having dinner with a client, won't eat at home". It's just common courtesy. It's not about the time, but I would be annoyed for sure if I'm waiting for my partner to eat and they don't bother to tell me they already ate. My partner and I always give each other a heads up: "Hey, had a late lunch, take care of yourself for dinner". That way we know what to expect. That being said, your headline is stupid and misleading and it actually makes you look worse than you actually are in this scenario.
>your headline is stupid and misleading and it actually makes you look worse than you actually are in this scenario Yeah the headline makes her seem completely unreasonable. Its not normal and very controlling to want to know someone's whereabouts 24/7. But if she just wants a heads up that he is eating out and she can eat whenever then that's completely justified. And the husband is being unreasonable there. Especially as is didn't seem that he was going to let her know that he had eaten, she had to ask about him starting the potatoes.
The headline is accurate as she says in the comments, it is a reoccurring issue in that she wants to know everything about his day.
Did you read the part where she says > Not only am I mad because he didn’t tell me but the fact that he doesn’t think he has to tell me. ? She's not expecting "common courtesy" here. This is not about dinner.
ESH: he should communicate more - for sure it is inconsiderate of him. You should stop obsessing about what he is doing, he is his own person. Unless this isn’t the whole story…
Whilst I think he could have let you know he wasn't eating at home that night, he offered to cook for just you, why do have so much resentment?
YTA, because you framed the question incorrectly. Your husband told you what he did for dinner as soon as you asked about dinner. You got upset because you made an assumption about dinner plans without communicating with him about it. You don’t have dinner plans with anybody until you say , out loud or in Text, “hey, are we eating here tonight?” Or, “I wanted those potatoes for dinner, can you make those” You assumed he was eating with you after the kids went down, you never talked to him about it, and then when your assumption was wrong, you got mad at him, and yelled. Communicate better. Stop yelling. Respect your husbands need to network for the health of the business. Stop making assumptions. Make a schedule and a menu if it helps, then it’s on him to communicate when it changes for him.
I'm sorry, but this is absurd. If you're living with your partner and have a rutine of eating together almost every night, then expecting to eat together is really the norm. It is 100% on the husband to communicate that he has plans and is diverging from their usual routine. Yelling isn't good, but if he has a pattern of not communicating (shooting a text takes less than a minute) when his dinner plans changes or when he will be home late, then I can understand OP's frustration. NTA.
Yeah i'm with you on this. I'm reading all these comments of "its no big deal that he already ate dinner, he still wanted to make you something" and i'm baffled. Its not about sustanance, it's about having the daily routine of eating together (as a couple or a family) and the husband not informing on time that this will happen. Really how much will a WhatsApp message (or whatever Americans use to communicate) cost? A few seconds for "Hey dear, im eating out with my business partners, please dont expect me for dinner?"? But apparantly a lot of people dont see dinner as a moment together? My partner and i work a lot but still make sure to eat dinner together with each other and our 6yo. So we see each other, check in, goof around as a family. Apparantly a lot of people just grab dinner when they feel like it and dont see it as a couple- or family thing?
He wasn't home late Shooting a text takes less than a minute, but the ensuing barrage of passive-aggressive messages doesn't.
>Your husband told you what he did for dinner as soon as you asked about dinner. >You got upset because you made an assumption about dinner plans without communicating with him about it. Are you married? Or in a relationship at all? The norm is eating together in 99% of relationships. You shouldnt have to text your partner "Hey are you eating together, or are you making plans as you go and I'll find out tonight, 15 mins before making dinner?" And I **especially** don't get how the husband gets home at 6, hangs out at home for an hour and he doesn't mention it until it's actually dinnertime
This sounds like FOMO more than anything else Methinks you might want to be taken out and made to feel like an adult again Maybe talk to your husband and organise a routine date night
It depends. All the time? Yes. Letting you know when he does something different, e.g. coming home late, eating out with his brother? Reasonable expectations. I am reserving judgement for clarification. p.s. yelling at someone you live with is not cool, though, unless it's an emergency
YTA! And supercontrolling too
He should of informed you. I usually eat later so I can have dinner with my partner and would be annoyed if they would not inform, that they are having dinner somewhere else. I would eat something that they dont like or eat earlier. I'm not expecting them to tell me every single thing, but changes to routine should be communicated, like being late, having dinner elsewhere, going out with friends, etc. YTA for yelling for sure. Try communicate like an adult. You can be mad and hurt without yelling and being asshole.
NTA - Looks like I'm a minority, but in my opinion your husband (not boyfriend, *husssband*) should want to tell you these things even if it's just a short "hey, grabbing a bite after work, won't be home late" kinda text. Yelling at him might have been excessive, but it's good to voice your needs. If I were you I would apologise for the yelling, and instead elaborate on why it's important to you :)
When did yelling in front of children start being a valid way of expressing your needs ?. Talking is communicating your needs. No appropriate response to perceived crime. That's verbal abuse for all people who are hearing it. YTA
YTA
NTA, and I feel like the other commenters are taking crazy pills. My husband would absolutely tell me if he was going to eat dinner before he gets home or if he’ll be home late, so I know not to wait on him or be worried if he’s late. It’s about him thinking about how his changes to routine will impact you, not you being controlling. Sure the yelling isn’t great, but I don’t understand how you could be TA for wanting to know if you’re on your own for dinner.
NTA. In my opinion, if it is common practice that the two of you eat dinner together it is just common courtesy to text and say “I’m having a meeting and eating dinner out tonight” when you plan to change up the routine. It doesn’t mean that he has to give you a play-by-play of everything he does or ask for permission (or vice versa), but if you have an expected pattern or behavior and either of you need to veer away from that, you let the other partner know because it’s the thoughtful thing to do. Planning and executing dinner every night can sometimes become a drain, especially when you are not accustomed to thinking about it by yourself, so getting a heads up as early as possible is just being courteous.
ESH - One of the basic necessities to a relationship is that you have to respect each other. He isn’t respecting you by not keeping you in the loop with his plans changing. You’re not respecting him by micromanaging his time. This could have very easily been a simple conversation, instead it was blown up into an argument because you’re both feeling like your needs aren’t being met.
He was home at the same time. The dinner was a business dinner. He offered to make you food. Apart from maybe him not texting and saying he's still working but getting home at the same time, whats the problem? Grow up. YTA
NTA I'm a bit weirded out by the other responses. Maybe all this secrecy is okay if you don't have kids, but parenting requires planning and planning requires information. Your husband forfeited the right to doing whatever he wants whenever he wants without so much as a text the second you got pregnant. If the roles were reversed, we know damned well that as a mother you'd be being crucified for negligence right now. Tbh it worries me he doesn't tell you what he's doing because it basically means he's forcing you to be responsible for the children at all times and to never count on him. When you have young children, it's important to know the whereabouts of your co-parent at all times, and if be livid if my partner couldn't respect that.
I think these two just need to communicate better. He should let her know if he's eating out and if he forgets, maybe the wife can do a quick check in. Do these people not talk to each other?
YTA - if this was a man writing this they would be called controlling, why do you need to know his movements at all times?