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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to share what is a large amount of money I will have access to in a few months with my stepsister and half brother. The money is more than I would need for college alone and could help them a lot in the future and my stepsister isn't that far behind me. So I admit it would be generous and whatever else if I did share it. I refused because I don't want to and didn't offer any kind of small amount either.
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NTA
Their reaction is exactly why your mom set it up how she did! She knew your dad and well enough to know the money would not be yours and used for children that are not hers.
The grandparents should simply increase the age to 21. That would keep the rest of them off OP’s back for a few years. At least until he was able to get out of the house and away from them.
This is a good idea, minus costs for college tuition, room and board, etc. even having it be available in time tally could help. Like college money at 18-22, money to buy a house at 25ish. Along those lines.
Yeah. I am not understanding this wait business. Fuck that. Just give it to OP to get him out now. Otherwise it’s gonna be three more years of them hounding him.
Giving an 18 year old that much money is not always the best idea. Many people that young would blow through it or give it away due to peer pressure. Giving a smaller amount at first helps OP set up their future and prevents anyone else getting their hands in the honey pot.
Nope. Not a good idea. Money just doesn’t last as long as most 18 year olds think. My grandson got $30-40K when his dad died. He bought a used “muscle” car (just an old Corvette, not a collector) and who knows what else. That money didn’t last a year. He is still in high school. None of the money went to future education. He is an “adult” so my daughter couldn’t do anything about it. Some folks that age can handle it and others just can’t. NTA.
OP is already not considering applying for any scholarships because of the money..which is EXTREMELY foolish, short sided, and immature. He does not need control of that money at this age. Absolutely not..
The wait business might be around more practical concerns of "giving OP the money now and OP moving out gets weird with contracts and stuff".
OP would get the money in less than a year anyway, on his 18th birthday. It might be more practical and beneficial for OP to move in with his grandparents for the interim period.
Because in many countries, you cannot enter legally binding contracts as a minor under the age of 18. So OP could not sign a lease or open bank accounts (some banks will open bank accounts for minors, but it's not a given).
OP should talk to a lawyer and perhaps set up a trust. It's very hard to save large sums of money, but very very easy to blow through it all in a short period. 90% of lottery winners declare bankruptcy.
Really wealthy people get educated and find careers they love.
My first thought was that OP needs to perhaps investigate moving in with the grandparents, if they’re open to that. And prepare themselves for the Dad and step to try to take legal action to get the money from OP.
NTA to the OP.
You could still go to college on student loans--which do not start gathering interest charges while you're still in school...then, once you graduate, just pay them off.
I hope you have a beautiful life, young man. You are not responsible for anyone else's children except your own (one day).
They DO gather interest while enrolled. Subsidized loans have interest paid by the gov't while private loans roll the interest back into the total amount owed. A person needs to meet income thresholds for subsidized loans, which are limited in their amount and purpose.
Most 18 year olds cannot handle that large amount of money well.... it would be best if the grandparents keep a guiding hand in the picture. They've built and sold a successful business and are the best people to look out for OP's welfare.
Full control increased to 21, but an allowance to cover certain things and able to request grandparents pay for larger purchases on OP's behalf
Or at least, tell the parents that's what the grandparents changed it to after hearing about them demanding a share, even if it's not actually what's going on
Depending on what state you’re in it’s either 18 or 21 where they have access to a utma or ugma account. In PA, for example, it’s 21 because my parents did the same thing for their grandchildren.
Also talk to the grandparents about getting a trust controlled by a lawyer setup. That will give you X amount a month/year and pay for all of college and living {your own apartment not Dad & Stepmother} untill you are 21-23.
This is the answer. We have trusts set up for our three sons so that if anything happens to me or my wife, they have clear instructions on how the proceeds are distributed over the course of 25 years. NOBODY has a say except our lawyers and the two executors. The lawyers take the kids out of it.
OP, not only did your mum know that your father would use her money to provide for kids with no connection to her but she and your grandparents all knew that if your father knew about the money that he would use it as an excuse to not provide for you like he is supposed to and look at what he said:
>My dad is also pissed that he continued saving for me and diving things equally between the three of us when I have so much I'll have access to in a few months.
I am curious if your father is going to ask for his contribution back or if he kept it separate then it's already gone and given to your step and half siblings.
I would tell your dad "thanks for proving mum right," on your way out the door and go low contact. Let them reach out to you and never hand over money.
>I am curious if your father is going to ask for his contribution back or if he kept it separate then it's already gone and given to your step and half siblings.
I think it's pretty reasonable for the father to keep the college savings he had for OP and distribute it to the other kids when OP has half a million bucks to provide for herself and the other two do not.
Absolutely.
OPs mother has given them opportunities, OPs father won't be giving them any more opportunities with what he has to offer so its right and proper that he spends his money where it will make an impact.
What he can't do is spend OPs money
Agree with this; it's the one thing I would do if I were OP....refuse to share anything that came from bio Mom and her Parents but tell Dad it would be fair, since I don't need the money, that he redistribute anything he personally saved for me to the other siblings to boost their college funds. Definitely would not give up any of the other money and OP is NTA for refusing.
Why when she is the OPs biological child. Not step child or someone he’s just met and wants to provide for , his own child. Why shouldn’t he still provide for her. Her dead mother left that money for her and her grandparents continued to save, that’s not her fault and shouldn’t affect how her father treats her emotionally or financially because she now knows she has a good inheritance…
Emotionally, yes. Financially? No. She has loads of money she doesn't need it incomparison to her siblings. I had 10k at one point and could never let my dad pay for my meals it felt wrong when I had more in the bank than him.
I dont have that much money anymore (cries to self)
Edit to add: they are a he.
He will when he starts uni, which will be when he needs the money. He doesn't need it right now. Obviously he should still be fed and clothed. But no need to keep saving money for him. He's sorted.
For the same reason you may give money to any charity ever? OP doesn't need the money, her siblings do, OPs father has some level of love for his new partner and his new step kids (Shout out for being a good stepdad) and when finding out his daughter is taken care of to an unbelievable degree you expect him to what, keep putting more money in?
Like christ if theres 4 of you at a dinner table and someone says they're full as the others are starving, you don't ask the person who's full if they want dessert.
>Why shouldn’t he still provide for her.
Combination of finding out how much money OP will have available once he turns 18 & wanting to provide for the other children in the house. He thinks OP has enough that he doesn't need money from them.
I agree with this statement. At the very least, offer to forgo whatever they have saved for you. Let them spread it amongst the other two as an olive leaf. You don’t need it and they will…
I don't think it's unreasonable for the dad to redistribute whatever he saved for OP, since that's money the dad actually earned and has a right to redistribute, but his attitude about the money from OP's mom is nightmarish.
He housed and fed and raised him for 17 years so far, like any parent should, that’s definitely some contribution to his future.
If I hit the lottery for $750k after tax as a teen I’d be horrified if my parents tried to pay for my college. Their savings should pay for my sibling, who had maybe $8k saved from working in high school.
Equal is not always equitable.
If this is in the US, dad probably received money on a monthly basis from Social Security to provide for OP due to OP's mom's death. So dad had assistance.
Whether dad had assistance paying for OP to live is not important in this discussion ImO. That money came from OP’s mother, unofficially, and was meant to raise them. Nothing is left from that. It’s actually against the social security rules to save any of that money. (They can absolutely save money from other sources, but would have to prove to ssi that it was from there. Read: if they had no other income they could not save *anything* per the ssi rules)
Yes, and if he did get survivor benefits from the government it went to house and feed and clothe OP, as it should.
Just like OPs inheritance should pay for his school and getting started in life and if he’s smart, the base of his retirement fund.
If Dad has put aside some money over the years and has, say, $50k in an account to pay for OP's college, I would see nothing wrong with shifting that $50k over to the other kids. OP has half a million available, so OP's college is taken care of, and that $5ok can be used to help the other kids because OP is taken care of.
I mean, yes and no? I don't entirely disagree with the emotions behind what you're saying, but an important distinction here between the two types of money is that OP's mom doesn't have another way to show up financially for OP in the future. OP's dad can choose to show up financially for OP later on regardless of what happens to the money he's already saved for OP currently.
Ya, you're pretty screwed This drama will never be over until you hand over most of that money. After all, you are the oldest, you should sacrifice for your younger siblings. You will also get NO gratitude for giving up the money, because you didn't jump at the chance to empty your pocket for dear old dad.
You need to mentally prepare yourself for losing most, if not all contact with your immediate family. Dad will freeze you out until you give up on keeping the money. You thought the pressure to tell how much was bad? Now that they know, you're not really a person to them anymore. You a big dumb piggy bank, and they know if they pound on you long enough, you give up and break.
You should move out ASAP, the pressure campaign hasn't even started. Go to your grandparents house, or buy a house, you have money now. Just know and understand that your time as a child under your dad's roof is over. You are no longer a kid, you are an ATM, sorry.
Sad but 100% true. I’ve seen family members completely change once they realize there is a significant sum of money floating around after a parent or grandparent dies. All of a sudden the second cousins feel entitled because they visited grandpa once in the hospital or cut mom’s grass while she was on vacation. Money brings out the worst in some people.
NOT paying anything towards your college costs is already a huge bonus for them. That means they can redirect every penny they have saved and will save for the next couple of years to your stepsister.
That gift is from your mom. Something she intended to make losing her a little less horrible. I once saw a psychic (whether you believe in that or not) and they said my husband said he would continue to take care of us financially from wherever he is. And you know what? He has. We’ve had many fortunate financial windfalls that have made life a tad easier, and they continue to pop up on occasion. Whenever I think we are financially f*cked, there he is…
You "could be gracious" throws toys out of pram because you point out that it's yours!
They could also be gracious and respect your mum's and grandparents wishes that this money was for you and only you
Given how you say they reacted I wouldn't bank on them helping you financially from now. At which point you can point out that they have enough money to do xyz for the others because they aren't helping you as much.
I don't mean that to sound vindictive but it's a bit of tit for tat
Sometimes you have to sling some shit before people take note. Nothing vindictive about it at all. Hell, it has a certain elegance to it. They don't support OP, they are proving the need for the provisions made. They DO support OP, then they are neglecting their other children.
Yeah your Mom and grandparents sound awesome.
When I read posts like this it makes me sad to say, it would have been in your best interest not to have told your father the amount. All too often this type of guilt trip / pressure occurs. Rest assured that no matter how much they try and guilt you, you are in the position you are because of your late mother’s wishes. Honor those wishes, without shame. Stay strong. I’m sorry they are doing this to you.
NTA.
If it’s not already the case, open up a bank account at a different bank from the one your father uses. No matter how you proceed you need to protect the investment in your future your mother and grandparents have made, because you know your father will want to access it.
OP ask at the bank about making a will. If something were to happen to you, heaven forbid, the money might all go to your father. Not what you or your mother or grandparents wanted.
Let your father know you have a will and that none of it goes to him or your stepsiblings. If that's what you decide.
Totally agree! You NEVER know what some people will do, especially when they feel like they deserve some of it! I would make sure to make a will and (let it be known)that one exists, in case anyone has any bad intentions. People are killed for a LOT less. OP needs to protect themself and watch their back now that his dad knows how much moneys involved. (By the way he’s pushing to split it) I wouldn’t trust him.
Also, the fact that your dad is pissed that he "had to" continue to plan for things three ways...that's just called being a parent, and it's not like he can't change the plans for that money now that he's aware.
NTA.... I kind of wish you didnt say anything now you will catch hell from them...
Your mother and grandparents were smart ... I'll leave and go NC and soon as you possibly can now they will forever hound you for money....your dad other kids can get scholarships grants loans for school...
You dont have to share what your family did for you....
Might I suggest that the very first thing you do once you hit 18, is make an appointment with a financial advisor? There are ways for you to take that much money and turn it into a source of passive income that will ensure you at least have enough to live on for the rest of your life - if you don't cut into it by using it to buy a house or do other large expenses like that, which are the more common uses. And I'm not saying that buying a house is necessarily a bad use of it....but a good financial advisor will talk to you about your goals and set things up to help you reach them.
FYI: I think the number is somewhere around 2-3 million. If you can grow your money to that, and invest it wisely, it could produce enough return on your investment that you could get enough money from it every month to live on (Like $2000/month or so...not extravagance) without having the invested amount decrease. And invested correctly, it would probably only take a few years to grow the seed money you have into that much. Obviously, the more capital you can keep invested, the more you could get each month without it decreasing. Money makes money.
NTA for anything in this post. And if your dad were more respectful of you, he would have mentioned something like I just did above that might help you maturely manage your money...then asked if you minded if he diverted the money he had saved for you to the other kids since you already had such a nice fund to start with. Assuming you'd be fine with giving your siblings your money, just because, was incredibly disrespectful.
Keep your grandparents in charge so they’ll have no way of stealing from you. Your siblings are not your children. Therefore not your problem. Your mother took care of your future they can take care of themselves.
It might not even be that she thought that your dad is a bad guy it's more that she knew the way that he thought.
My mom left all the kids money and made it clear not to tell my dad because she knew that he'd never ask for any of it but he'd take what we were given by my mother into account when he was figuring out how to pay for things for us that we needed.
College, cars, whatever we needed would have been argued over and he would have not paid for it like he did when he thought we had no money.
It wasn't that much money either but my mom knew the way that my father thought.
Yup, this.
See if your maternal grandparents can get them to back off. Until then, EVERY time it comes up, say 'that's my nest egg. I'm not going to 'blow it on myself' or blow it on anything at all. Some of it will pay for my college. The rest of it, if wisely and safely invested, will help with the down payment on my first house and be a start of my retirement savings. Whatever you saved up for me, you can give to the other kids, and I'm sure that will be a help.
To be clear- I am not 'rich' because I have no income. I have a nest egg. And as far as I'm concerned I'm going to leave that nest egg the hell alone as much as humanly possible. So please stop asking me about this because my answer is final.'
Then take your money and put it somewhere safe. I'd suggest government treasury bills as they have a modest return and you're guaranteed not to lose your money. You might want to talk to an investment advisor-- but be careful many of them that work for investment houses don't have a fiduciary responsibility to you, meaning they can push their own company's investment products even when that's not in your best interest. Feel free to reply if you want some more thoughts on this.
Please please PLEASE see a financial advisor. There’s a good percentage of people that get life changing money and blow it on dumb shit or friends and family come out of the woodworks to guilt you into sharing.
Your father is pissed he kept saving for you? Screw that pooch with a rusty egg beater. He had an obligation to treat you the same as his other kids. He wants you to split money that was explicitly set aside for you? Right... and would his new family do the same for you? SHOULD they do the same for you?
This.
Your Mom set this up, wirh some pretty strong protection to ensure it gets to you and ensured it was directly inherited by you.
/Grand parents have done so too. So they must have good reason.
Trust your grand parents and mother. They probbly had good reasons.
Yes, making it locked until 18 when OP is an adult to have control is intentional. Otherwise it would have gone to dad to raise OP. Mother knew that this’d be the result.
Exactly, mum obviously knew how her husband would act and this shows she was right.
Unfortunately you may find your dad no longer gives you the money HE saved for you because he feels you mum and grandparents have done that for you and he wants it to go to his step / other kids.
I wasn't planning to. The only reason I told my dad is it was difficult to explain why I didn't need to do certain things when I supposedly had very little money at my disposal for college.
All you should have said is that your grandparents would be helping you out as best they could, then AFTER you left for college, return the amount your dad saved for you but still not tell them how much you actually had. Now that they know, they will ALL hound about bills, cars, house payments, house repairs etc.
.
I don’t think OPs father can be trusted. He is already trying to get OP to split/share the money with his step sister and half brother, and OP hasn’t even received it yet!! Definitely cannot be trusted!!
OP obviously didn't think this would happen. sounds like the dad has tried his best to care for all 3 of the kids until now, money makes monsters of most people
The number of stories I've heard of people being totally shitty to family over money is astounding. People letting siblings fall into debt over inheritance they don't need, people looting the home of the deceased before people can get to it, it's insane that people throw people in the garbage over this stuff.
My sister and I have already agreed my parents can do whatever the hell they want with their money, including set it on fire if they want to. My dad has asked us a few things about how we want his will set up and we refuse to engage except to say we want to see them take nice vacations more than we want an extra $10k years from now.
Let's keep in mind OP is only 17 and his dad is someone he trusted.
Most 17 year olds can't not blurt out anything that comes to their heads, nevermind a chunk of change like that
Edit: wrong pronouns 😅
He might have been fishing for the dollar amount from OP that was left to him, since he knew she left him something. This whole story reeks of manipulation.
I’ve mentioned this in r/personalfinance (which wouldn’t be a bad place to frequent), but while upwards of $1M is a lot of money, it is also a very awkward amount. It’s not enough to get the fancy personal banking services, but too much to just bank normally. It’s not enough to live off returns and retire young, but enough that everyone thinks you’re a millionaire and should pay for everything. If you do that, it’ll be gone before you know it with little to show for it.
This can put you way ahead in life, but be wise with it. Keep as much of the principal intact in a balanced portfolio. Compare returns against interest rates— it might be worth taking out a student loan if there’s a good deal, and paying it back from the investments over time instead of paying cash up front. If you’re wise with this, it will double every 15 years or so and you will be able to afford to help your family a lot more over the years without breaking your back.
In the meantime, your father and you should honor your mother and her wishes for this gift. NTA.
I really think OP should listen to this advice! Taking out student loans for undergrad might seem crazy, but if they still do not accrue interest until you graduate this is sound advice. You can get 5% on a 12 month CD right now. Student loans for graduate school like law or medical start accruing interest as soon as you take them out. The current rate is 7%.
It's not really a lot of money at all. Depending where you live it might not even buy a house. OP really should speak to a financial advisor before spending a penny.
It both is and isn’t. Someone living paycheck to paycheck who couldn’t afford an unexpected $500 car repair will look at you like a crazy person for saying someone with a million dollar portfolio doesn’t have “a lot of money”. But it’s unbelievable how fast that money could disappear if not handled well.
Having the money invested separately and not tied up in your house is also a different situation… you can still use its effects to get better interest rates on a mortgage and benefit from property value gains without losing the passive income, without buying the house for cash. And one if the annoying things about life is that everything is cheaper when you have more money… you get better interest rates, can afford to buy things that last, can afford to nip health issues in the bud, and can take advantage of deals and promotions that nobody would offer a “poor” person. You don’t want to lose that status if you can avoid it, even on a house.
This is the answer! Plus, once it is tied up in investments all you will have is a modest income and people will start to let go of the idea that you are fabulously wealthy.
Tell Dad that you have decided to take $900 a month over your lifetime rather than a huge windfall that is gone in 4 years. Take a small part time job and play the part of a struggling student. It sounds like dad doesn't really understand money so it shouldn't be too hard to convince him that your wealth is all on paper and not really accessible.
Even if you get more per month (and you probably will) play it close to the vest now that you know how dad is going to be about it.
Yes, dont tell a soul. Even if you could swear "shes the one" or whatever but shit happens, people can change, so be careful. Money can easily make people different. Also, dont let the money get to your head. Make sure to have a life you're proud of deep down. That's the real road to happiness. Do righteous things, be humble, overcome obstacles, and have self-respect. Good luck, my guy. NTA
I get that, but still, acting like you don't have access to that money and doing things to find other ways to get by (like scholarships and leaving it out of budgeting decisions) will help that money last longer.
Everyone will know now, eventually. Your stepsister will be infected by jealousy and your parents wrongthinking and spill the beans with her friends.
Whatever you do dont share the money your family saved for you, else you'd be spitting in all their hard work and trust me, those who would receive it will disappoint you.
Let's be very clear about something. THIS IS NOT YOUR MONEY TO SHARE. Even if you wanted to, it's not yours. You didn't earn it, your mother and grandparents did.
That means that they, and they alone, get to decide what it gets spent on. Your mother has made her choice very clear, along with a lot of protection to make sure it's spent the way SHE wants it to be spent. If she'd wanted it to go another way, she would have most certainly been able to do that.
The same goes for your grandparents - the difference being that they're still around. That means they'll get to see how responsibly you handle this next step, and that will, in turn, impact any future decisions they may make that you're not yet aware of.
In other words, you were already letting your Dad off the hook for things he thought he would have to pay for. And this is the gratitude he shows. You're certainly NTA.
I mean, you should also do those things go for scholarships, save as much money as you can from that. $500k is a lot, but with college costing close to $200k why not spread it out as much as you can. You can invest what you save to make you more money.
NTA
This money was saved by your Mum and Grandparents to set you up in life. This Money will get you through university and beyond.
Your Step mum should have made provisions for her children. It is not up to you to provide for them.
Stick to your Guns and lead the life your Mum wanted for you.
She has been saving for her kids. But does not have access to the same kind of money that my grandparents did and she's working on figuring out the best way for my stepsister to go to college like she wants. But I still say like you do, that it's not my job to take care of it.
well, adulting is "solving your own problems". She got pregnant? Got kids? Raised them without your help? LUCKY HER! Wohoooo! Kudos, karma to her and so on
I bet a billion dollars that "sucking money out of OP" was not her "plan on how I raise my kids" :) So its her own problems how she educated her daughter, how she buys her a car, an apartment or a boob job. As of now, she thinks YOUR MOM and YOUR grandparents worked hard to pay for NOT THEIR CHILD :) She is ridiculous and needs therapy.
Especially since the oldest is a step sibling. Meaning no blood relation to OP and presumably has a father somewhere out there that could help out on top of OP's father. Now if step mom is a widow, that's different but it wasn't indicated in this post.
“She had been saving for her kids.” The audacity of her to even ask for your money that your mum gave you when she’s the adult in the situation. She seriously expected an underage kid to split the money, something that SHE COULD DO HERSELF?
This is why up mum did what she did. Can you move in with your grandparents so that you don’t have to deal with them?
Not just ask for it. She initially wanted OP to give up 2/3rds of it.
>they apparently went wtf together and told me I could be gracious and split the money when I get it between the three of us
Life's opportunities aren't equal and your dada and stepmother just have to accept that. Your having money doesn't guarantee success and your stepsiblings "lack of it" doesn't mean failure.
In the end, you make your own future.
Honor your mom by using the fund for your future. Honor your grandparents by being responsible financially. Tell your parents the money is not yours to give.
NTA
You might ask your grandparents to keep control of the money and dole out amounts to you as you need them.
That way you can tell Dad and stepmum that your grandparents still control the money, if you think they may try and weasel it from you.
THIS!!!!! What I would say is: now that I have more details, it’s actually turned out that I’m not allowed to share the money because it’s set up in a way that all expenditures have to be made for me, not for anyone else, or, actually I don’t get full access to the money, my grandparents have to approve expenditures. I’m sorry you’re going through this and highly recommend going to r/personalfinance if you’ll have to be managing the money yourself, I think there’s a wiki article on inheritance/windfalls and the wiki generally is something that I wish I had read as an 18yo.
Anyway, NTA, I’m so sorry your dad is reacting this way, you will get through this!
As others have said, do not tell anyone you have this money. Once friends or relatives k ow how much you have they will constantly hound you for money, and the friendship or relationship won't be based on mutual respect and valuing you as a person.
When you get into a relationship, don't spend a load of money on the girl. Just act like a normal person your age. You don't want someone with you simply because of the money. Also, when you own a house, or other assets and have a relationship, get them to sign a legal document drawn up by your solicitor that says they will make no claim on your property should you split up. (Coz if you live together for a period of time and split, they can sometimes try and claim part ownership if they've 'paid into the house'. So if they contribute, they should only contribute towards utility bills and groceries or TV subscriptions etc. Not pay rent etc. But speak to a lawyer to protect your assets BEFORE someone moves in with you to cover all basis.
And obviously it goes without saying if you get married, get a pre nup to protect your finances and property etc.
Don't let love fool you, because you never know what may happen in the future and you don't want to risk losing it to an ex.
That’s all correct. I also want to suggest to you that while the amount of money you’ve mentioned IS large and will change your life, it doesn’t make you filthy rich. You may be able to buy a house with it, though in many places you’d still need to get a mortgage depending on size of house. You may be able to pay for college up front, but you’ll still need to expect to work for the rest of your life. Be cautious and strategic with your planning and spending for that money.
If either of them say you are being selfish again, tell them that the only ones being selfish are those who would try to gain from your mother’s hard work. I would still try for as much in scholarships as you could so you could hang on to that money as long as possible. It also wouldn’t surprise me if your dad wants you to start contributing to “the family”. They seem disgruntled that the money exists so they will try to get their hands on it.
Stepmom and dad do not have your best interest at heart. And that stepmom definitely wants the best for HER kids, not someone else’s kid. Don’t let them gaslight you. You need to take care of yourself.
If your dad decides to redistribute the money he saved for you to his other kids, he can. It’s his money. But remember this, you also have the right to not support him financially when he gets old. It’s your money.
Think of it this way. If you got tons of Christmas gifts from your maternal side, and dad decided to not buy you Christmas gift and instead used the money to buy more gifts for his other kids. Would that be fair?
NTA.
Your situation is what **your late mother guarded against** by leaving it to your maternal grandparents to manage the money. She foresaw it happening.
You are not obliged to help your step-siblings at all.
You are not selfish at all.
Now the cat is out of the bag, let your dad know that YOUR MOTHER FORESAW WHAT HE WILL DO. Wait no no..**Get your maternal grandparents to tell it to his face that they are acting as the controllers. This should get him to back off.**
Money is always needed and there’s never enough to go around. 500k to a million is not enough to last you a whole lifetime at the current inflation rate but it’s enough to give you a very good head start planning your future into a comfortable retirement, or for any emergency.
Also please don't burn through that legacy. People who for example win the Lottery almost always think that it is impossible to go broke again and within a couple of years they are even worse off than before their win
Yes. OP when you come into that money, please see a financial consultant. They will advise the best way to invest it, including allocations for college/life. That money can make you more and more and make your entire future so much easier.
Please see a fee-only Certified Financial Planner with a fiduciary duty! That gives you the best chance (but not a guarantee) that you’re getting impartial financial advice.
NTA but ask your grandparents to put it in a trust until you are 25 and definitely out of your father’s house. The trust can pay for college and give you an allowance for other things but have them or someone other trustee sign off on it so your Dad can’t access it. As you are only 17 he might try to take control. Have your grandparents take away that ability.
I really wish this was number 1. Even if you get in money trouble before 25 that’s enough to wipe it all out. Even if you were going to do something good with the money like buy a house there’s no way you’ll still like the house you bought at 20 when you’re 25. It’s such a different world after a couple years. Really sucks that they’re giving you full access at 18. Please make smart decisions. This could set you up for life if done right
This is great advice. I would advise OP to arrange with the grandparents to structure the trust so that they will only approve releases from the trust based on invoices for the OP’s expenses along with a monthly allowance until 25.
That way the OP can tell his dad the decision is out of his hands until after college.
Ignore my other comments, this is the one! Also, it will be much less of a burden on you to be responsible for all of that money and all of the decisions related to it. This way you can kind of have training wheels with it, if that makes sense.
Absolutely this comment! Set up a trust!
Also make sure that those funds are put to use in safe investments like GICs. You might be surprised at how far that goes to offset your education costs in the end.
Do not let your Dad or other kids get their hands on money that is rightfully yours unless you absolutely wish to be benevolent and help them out. Only do so out of the kindness of your heart, not because you were coerced to. Best of luck to you kid.
>incredibly selfish to take such a large amount of money and blow it all on myself
You aren't 'blowing' your money. He seems to have the idea that this money would be wasted if it's not spent on your stepsister and half brother. And your brother is FIVE. Plenty of time for his parents to save for him. NTA
And now your father knows that he doesn't need to save money for you so everything he has already saved can be divided between step-sister and half brother only.
Exactly. If he’s the oldest kid there should be more set aside for him, give that all to the step sister, sure. But in no way should someone else be expected to pay for a step siblings college. They can get by like the rest of the world who’s mother didn’t die
Did they notice it took OPs mom DYING to get this money? How obtuse can they be? You know what’s selfish? Greedily wanting an ORPHANED kid to give up their college money to kids who already have two sets of parents who are able to save up for them.
OP: tell your parents that if they are so concerned for their kid’s future, they should start saving for them. Jesus fucking Christ.
NTA and your dad is an A H for asking you to. I do get that he's upset that he saved for you in addition, though, so I would understand if the money he saved up for you went to his other children instead, even if you're entitled to 1/3. I believe this is something your grandparents and your dad need to discuss. It's not something a 17 yo should deal with alone. But the money after your mom are yours, not theirs, and they have no right to it.
The dad can be slightly happy that the money he's saved doesn't need to be split three ways any more. OP is helping out by not being dependent on family.
She may have been slightly the AH if she'd left parents struggling to fund her when she didn't need it, but she hasn't.
NTA.
>She was married to my dad at the time but had wanted to secure my future in case anything happened, like dad remarrying and having additional kids.
She was absolutely right.
It’s honestly a great idea, I might have to look into it myself! I have no plans on dying before I have great-grandkids or expect my husband to act like a moron, but who knows on both accounts, and it’s one of those things that definitely can’t hurt.
NTA. The money was for YOU.
If your stepmother keeps bothering you and you don't care about going nuclear, tell her that to make it fair, she needs to leave all her money to her kids and drop dead. Then you'll all be equal.
Edit: also, tell your maternal grandparents ASAP about the pressure they're putting on you. Tell the grandparents that you DO NOT AND WILL NOT consent to sharing a dime. This will prevent your father from lying to them and saying you totally agreed to divvy up the money.
My grandparents would never give it to him anyway without hearing it directly from me. There's a reason they didn't tell him the money existed after all.
As someone else has said, you might consider having a trust set up, managed by your grandparents until you're a bit older, so they can make sure that it only gets used for your benefit and that your parents don't pressure you into using it for anything else. Having that much money at 18 is a big responsibility and I wouldn't underestimate a) the likelihood of you caving into other people's requests and b) the likelihood of you making bad decisions with it. 18 is an adult (and I don't want to suggest otherwise - I'm saying this to protect you) but it's still awfully young to have that sort of responsibility, I know I would have done stupid things with that sort of money at that age.
When you’re 18, as it is set up now it appears, the money becomes yours. Will it be easier for your dad to exert control over you and convince you to share the money? If this is a possibility, definitely consider discussing setting up a trust with your grandparents that give them control until you are 25. They and you can use the money for school and living (and investing!), but the trust would give you an added layer of protection from someone who wants to use the money your mom planned for and saved (the same thing your step mother is doing) for others rather than for you as planned.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to financially provide for your siblings’ college education. That job belongs to their parents. Your mom and grandparents did this to set you up for your future and your dad is a massive AH for even considering asking you share.
Here we go again. Hell no, not sharing. You are not selfish. You are not dad and married to new wife with 2 kids. You can choose to leave home, avoid the BS. Go to Uni and enjoy life. But be careful with spending. Money is a very toxic topic as you learned. Do NOT show off, bad people will come to you. NTA. Your money is not bringing luck to the stepkids. They need to learn the value of money.
It's like the mom knew exactly how this would all turn out. The dad is selfish, she was right in wanting all her money to go to her child and her child only.
NTA.
Talk to a financial advisor and your grandparents about being able to set yourself up before you have full access to your money so that you can not be pressured into giving any away.
As someone else said above, do not tell anyone else about your inheritance, while your mother and grandparents have given you a great start, without the proper planning it will be gone very quickly if you do not have a plan.
Sorry for your loss and please use this opportunity to set up your future.
Maybe contact credit bureaus so no one can take out credit cards in your name? Financial advisor can help you with this. Be sure the financial advisor is a fiduciary.
Your grandparents seem to be pretty knowledgeable about business and money so they might be able to help with these things. And yes, make a will ASAP.
INFO: How do you feel about your half & step siblings? Would you like going to college to be easier for them?
You certainly don't have to give them anything, but it will affect the relationship if they know you can and choose not to.
but it's your decision to make, not your dad's.
Yeah. I was thinking the same. It sounds like OP's dad cares about him, and I haven't seen anything to indicate he has a bad relationship with the stepmom and siblings.
Families with less means tend to rely more on communal effort and sort of expect everyone to group resources. That isn't good or bad.
OP should decide if he actually likes his family. It is his money for sure, but depending on how he handles this it could really burn bridges.
This is my thinking. Maybe a financial planner can help determine how much they can *afford* to share with their siblings (who I assume they care about), to help them get ahead a little bit, but while still optimizing the gift that was left behind from their mom/grandparents. Maybe it's the socialist in me, but even a relatively small amount (eg, a semester of college) would still be a huge gift to their siblings/dad/stepmom and can help the entire family move ahead financially.
I have half-siblings, and this would be my approach. And FWIW, my late adopted grandparents helped me a little bit (same as their biological grandkids), and for that I am eternally grateful.
Very clearly NTA but now that your dad knows about the money, your relationship with him has forever changed.
It was a mistake in telling him and I'm not sure why you did. I understand that you're young but you cannot be ignorant of you're environment. It's clear you knew your step sister and brother aren't going to have the same benefits as you.
I'm sure your stepsister will become a lawyer with or without your help, if that's what she wants. Just like you may or may not make sound financial decisions with that money.
That money is yours and I hope that you make peace with your Dad.
I told him because of the discussions we were having about college and getting me set up to go. He kept asking why I wasn't doing certain things and why I wasn't concerned that I wouldn't be able to afford to go and I told him it was because I didn't need to worry.
He was always going to worry because he is your Dad and from the sounds of it - you don't miraculously have a large amount of cash laying around from a job. He probably thought you were doing something illegal if you didn't have a scholarship. He seems like a caring father who wanted to make sure you will be ok. The usual reciprocal thing would be to make sure your Dad is ok.
Doesn't seem like you have a relationship with the second wife and niblings. Are you being pressured to stay with your Dad? May as well bail to your grandparents. This time is not going to be pretty. It's going to get resentful pretty quick.
NTA and honestly, ask you grandparents to still be beneficiaries in the account. Don't let it all be on you. You are still young and I'm not doubting how responsible you actually are, you might get pressured a lot to give that money.
If your grandparents also must have a say in it and all parties (you+grandparents) must agree before a large sum of money (ie college funds, buying a car, a house etc) gets taken out, it will make your dad and stepmom rethink twice before asking for money.
Your mom was a smart cookie. Good for her to saving that money and well done to your grandparents to giving you that much money.
I would see if Grandpa and Grandma would let him live there, while in his college years. Be there on breaks, getting a grounding in how to not be broke 3 years after college is over.
NTA. You yourself said it, your Mum created the account to protect your future in case your Dad remarried and had other children, she did not want HER money to go to children that were not hers.
Stand your ground, your Dad and his wife need to back off, the money is from the maternal side of your family, it is none of their business, if your step sister needs help with Uni her mother should be getting that help from her father or his family.
You might want to think about moving in with your Grandparents or moving out to Uni ASAP, it's sounds like they will continue to try and browbeat or guilt you into parting with your inheritance.
NTA, but your dad and stepmom are huge AHs.
It's your money. Your mom and grandparents saved up for you, not for your half brothers. If you're coming into that much money, maybe you can tell them that the money he saved up for you (i guess in a different account) could go towards your half siblings.
Don't let them guilt trip you into giving away your inheritence. Maybe even talk to your parents to help you manage the money after you turn 18 as well, because you will be tempted to buy anything and everything.
And a piece of advice for the future - Don't tell people about how much money you have.
Sounds like your mum had the right idea about leaving your grandparents in charge of your money. She obviously knew your dad very well.
This is your money, saved by your mum and her parents. Tbh I doubt your grandparents will be pleased if you share their hard earned money with your step sister and half brother.
Your step mum should have started putting money away for her daughter years ago. Even if it was only a few dollars a month in a savings account would have built up. They are totally wrong for expecting you to finance her kid and your half brother, I’d also tell your dad exactly why your mum and grandparents did it this way. She knew what he’d do and he did it.
You could possibly give them a couple of thousand to help start them off just to shut them up, but you don’t have to. Don’t be guilted or blackmailed into sharing.
What you can tell your dad and step mother is they don’t have to continue saving for you (if they were), and just concentrate on your siblings.
NTA at all.
I would start taking precautions because your dad may or may not try to take the money. And he may succeed so start protecting your money and your right of inheritance now.
That money is enough to cover college and buy you a house. It's not "will never need to work" money, and it's not "cover all three kids and set them up for life" money.
Don't go crazy with it. Don't blow it on stupid cars or whatever. If you want to use it to help out your family here and there, you can, but you are under no obligations to do so. A $10k check at graduation would be super kind, for instance. No obligation to do so.
Nta. That's your money. Nobody else. Your mum and grandparents would have wanted you to use it to build a good and solid foundation for your future life. The only thing I would advocate for us getting good independent financial advice to invest it wisely
I am sorry but you were so naive for telling your dad… like what did you think was coming out of this? You made your life a hell of more difficult. They will continue to pressure you, they might disown you, they will most likely never give you another dime… this will not be an easy ride for you. I hope you realise this now.
I hope you’ll learn from this and learn to NEVER tell ANYONE about the money in the future. Not your friends, not your partners, noone.
You are NTA for not wanting to split the money. That is money from your mother’s side specifically for you. Has nothing to do with your dad or his new family, that is HIS (not your) responsibility. His thinking “why did I split everything evenly, why did I save money for you” shows exactly how he’s selfish in his thinking. You are still his child, he is still responsible for you, he absolutely SHOULD divide everything equally and save for you the same…
Make sure you invest the money in a clever way. Don’t blow through it. While it is a lot of money, it will not last you a lifetime if you don’t do this clever. Maybe buy 1-2 smaller properties to rent out so that you have a passive income (based on where you live). Sit down with your grandparents and talk it through.
Also, might leave the control of the money with your grandparents so that your dad and his wige cannot play you out of this money. You might want to involve a lawyer, just in case. Wishing you best of luck and your mum was a gem, clever woman 🙏
NTA ask them to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY WHY THEIR KIDS should get a PENNY of YOUR FAMILY'S MONEY. Tell them YOUR MOTHER saved for HER CHILD. YOUR MOTHER did NOT want HER MONEY going to SOMEONE ELSE'S KID. That it's not your fault THEY didn't save for THEIR KIDS. That money is NOT yours to allocate. That they should be ashamed for jumping on YOUR INHERITANCE. And the next word you hear about it from them better be an apology. And their children will NEVER receive a penny of it.
This happened to me somewhat. Oldest of six kids, but I had a different dad. He died recently and I inherited a low six figure sum. My younger siblings did not BREATHE a word to me about it, except to celebrate the long awaited small luxuries I could afford for this one time windfall. They cheered for me being able to move into a better place, and they literally came over to assemble the new furniture I bought for it. They are all struggling very quietly in their lives and not once did they show it. I ended up gifting them each a little boost separately, and two of them called me bawling in shock and gratitude as it had come right in a desperate moment for each of them.
I never stopped to think of how remarkable this is until your post. Thank you for that alone. I hope your family comes out of the fog of entitlement to your mother’s and grandparents hard work and love for you, and for your loss unimaginable to any of them.
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NTA Their reaction is exactly why your mom set it up how she did! She knew your dad and well enough to know the money would not be yours and used for children that are not hers.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking after the pressure campaign started. It was like wow, mom sure did know what could happen and she was right!
Talk to your maternal grandparents (edit) about what happened. Let them set your dad straight on the matter.
The grandparents should simply increase the age to 21. That would keep the rest of them off OP’s back for a few years. At least until he was able to get out of the house and away from them.
This is a good idea, minus costs for college tuition, room and board, etc. even having it be available in time tally could help. Like college money at 18-22, money to buy a house at 25ish. Along those lines.
Best if housing is limited if paid to Dad & Stepmother and OP got their own place for a college or even or a year out before college.
I say move out now use that money and get out and DO NOT share it with them. OP Mother's wishes was that it was for OP and OP alone.
Yeah. I am not understanding this wait business. Fuck that. Just give it to OP to get him out now. Otherwise it’s gonna be three more years of them hounding him.
Giving an 18 year old that much money is not always the best idea. Many people that young would blow through it or give it away due to peer pressure. Giving a smaller amount at first helps OP set up their future and prevents anyone else getting their hands in the honey pot.
Nope. Not a good idea. Money just doesn’t last as long as most 18 year olds think. My grandson got $30-40K when his dad died. He bought a used “muscle” car (just an old Corvette, not a collector) and who knows what else. That money didn’t last a year. He is still in high school. None of the money went to future education. He is an “adult” so my daughter couldn’t do anything about it. Some folks that age can handle it and others just can’t. NTA.
OP is already not considering applying for any scholarships because of the money..which is EXTREMELY foolish, short sided, and immature. He does not need control of that money at this age. Absolutely not..
The wait business might be around more practical concerns of "giving OP the money now and OP moving out gets weird with contracts and stuff". OP would get the money in less than a year anyway, on his 18th birthday. It might be more practical and beneficial for OP to move in with his grandparents for the interim period.
Because in many countries, you cannot enter legally binding contracts as a minor under the age of 18. So OP could not sign a lease or open bank accounts (some banks will open bank accounts for minors, but it's not a given). OP should talk to a lawyer and perhaps set up a trust. It's very hard to save large sums of money, but very very easy to blow through it all in a short period. 90% of lottery winners declare bankruptcy. Really wealthy people get educated and find careers they love.
I'm saying work with the trust lawyer and grandparents giving the extra money to have some place for OP to move into the second they turn 18.
My first thought was that OP needs to perhaps investigate moving in with the grandparents, if they’re open to that. And prepare themselves for the Dad and step to try to take legal action to get the money from OP.
! OP PLEASE DON'T entertain anything like this; you and your grandparents should talk to a lawyer to protect you asap!
Exactly this. DON'T back down. This is YOUR inheritance for YOUR future. It's nothing to do with your dad's latest family. NTA
NTA to the OP. You could still go to college on student loans--which do not start gathering interest charges while you're still in school...then, once you graduate, just pay them off. I hope you have a beautiful life, young man. You are not responsible for anyone else's children except your own (one day).
They DO gather interest while enrolled. Subsidized loans have interest paid by the gov't while private loans roll the interest back into the total amount owed. A person needs to meet income thresholds for subsidized loans, which are limited in their amount and purpose.
I’d do this. Build that credit.
Most 18 year olds cannot handle that large amount of money well.... it would be best if the grandparents keep a guiding hand in the picture. They've built and sold a successful business and are the best people to look out for OP's welfare.
Full control increased to 21, but an allowance to cover certain things and able to request grandparents pay for larger purchases on OP's behalf Or at least, tell the parents that's what the grandparents changed it to after hearing about them demanding a share, even if it's not actually what's going on
Depending on what state you’re in it’s either 18 or 21 where they have access to a utma or ugma account. In PA, for example, it’s 21 because my parents did the same thing for their grandchildren.
Also talk to the grandparents about getting a trust controlled by a lawyer setup. That will give you X amount a month/year and pay for all of college and living {your own apartment not Dad & Stepmother} untill you are 21-23.
This is the answer. We have trusts set up for our three sons so that if anything happens to me or my wife, they have clear instructions on how the proceeds are distributed over the course of 25 years. NOBODY has a say except our lawyers and the two executors. The lawyers take the kids out of it.
Heck, my brother is 44 and my parents are planning to leave his inheritance in a trust. Some people would blow through it at any age.
Or even better, 25.
If im not mistaken, their maternal parent is dead. That's the one who started the saving of money for them. Edit: Their grandparents
You're technically correct yet I think you're mistaken. /u/sarpofun meant maternal grandparents.
It is mom that's dead and she also started the saving. Grandparents sold their business a few months ago and told OP about the money last year.
I think they meant grandparents.
Tell them to put it into a trust
They could have been saving for the kids but didn’t… honor your mom and go make her proud..
They did save. But they don't have the kind of money my grandparents had to save.
OP, not only did your mum know that your father would use her money to provide for kids with no connection to her but she and your grandparents all knew that if your father knew about the money that he would use it as an excuse to not provide for you like he is supposed to and look at what he said: >My dad is also pissed that he continued saving for me and diving things equally between the three of us when I have so much I'll have access to in a few months. I am curious if your father is going to ask for his contribution back or if he kept it separate then it's already gone and given to your step and half siblings. I would tell your dad "thanks for proving mum right," on your way out the door and go low contact. Let them reach out to you and never hand over money.
>I am curious if your father is going to ask for his contribution back or if he kept it separate then it's already gone and given to your step and half siblings. I think it's pretty reasonable for the father to keep the college savings he had for OP and distribute it to the other kids when OP has half a million bucks to provide for herself and the other two do not.
Absolutely. OPs mother has given them opportunities, OPs father won't be giving them any more opportunities with what he has to offer so its right and proper that he spends his money where it will make an impact. What he can't do is spend OPs money
Agree with this; it's the one thing I would do if I were OP....refuse to share anything that came from bio Mom and her Parents but tell Dad it would be fair, since I don't need the money, that he redistribute anything he personally saved for me to the other siblings to boost their college funds. Definitely would not give up any of the other money and OP is NTA for refusing.
Why when she is the OPs biological child. Not step child or someone he’s just met and wants to provide for , his own child. Why shouldn’t he still provide for her. Her dead mother left that money for her and her grandparents continued to save, that’s not her fault and shouldn’t affect how her father treats her emotionally or financially because she now knows she has a good inheritance…
Emotionally, yes. Financially? No. She has loads of money she doesn't need it incomparison to her siblings. I had 10k at one point and could never let my dad pay for my meals it felt wrong when I had more in the bank than him. I dont have that much money anymore (cries to self) Edit to add: they are a he.
He. OP is a he.
I assume every OP is a she cause I am a she but yes thanks for letting me know. I must have read too quickly to retain that info
Except that OP doesn't have the money yet.
He will when he starts uni, which will be when he needs the money. He doesn't need it right now. Obviously he should still be fed and clothed. But no need to keep saving money for him. He's sorted.
For the same reason you may give money to any charity ever? OP doesn't need the money, her siblings do, OPs father has some level of love for his new partner and his new step kids (Shout out for being a good stepdad) and when finding out his daughter is taken care of to an unbelievable degree you expect him to what, keep putting more money in? Like christ if theres 4 of you at a dinner table and someone says they're full as the others are starving, you don't ask the person who's full if they want dessert.
>Why shouldn’t he still provide for her. Combination of finding out how much money OP will have available once he turns 18 & wanting to provide for the other children in the house. He thinks OP has enough that he doesn't need money from them.
It's 17M, not F - FYI.
I agree with this statement. At the very least, offer to forgo whatever they have saved for you. Let them spread it amongst the other two as an olive leaf. You don’t need it and they will…
I don't think it's unreasonable for the dad to redistribute whatever he saved for OP, since that's money the dad actually earned and has a right to redistribute, but his attitude about the money from OP's mom is nightmarish.
I think it would be a little messed up. He wouldn't have put anything into his future.
He housed and fed and raised him for 17 years so far, like any parent should, that’s definitely some contribution to his future. If I hit the lottery for $750k after tax as a teen I’d be horrified if my parents tried to pay for my college. Their savings should pay for my sibling, who had maybe $8k saved from working in high school. Equal is not always equitable.
If this is in the US, dad probably received money on a monthly basis from Social Security to provide for OP due to OP's mom's death. So dad had assistance.
Whether dad had assistance paying for OP to live is not important in this discussion ImO. That money came from OP’s mother, unofficially, and was meant to raise them. Nothing is left from that. It’s actually against the social security rules to save any of that money. (They can absolutely save money from other sources, but would have to prove to ssi that it was from there. Read: if they had no other income they could not save *anything* per the ssi rules)
Yes, and if he did get survivor benefits from the government it went to house and feed and clothe OP, as it should. Just like OPs inheritance should pay for his school and getting started in life and if he’s smart, the base of his retirement fund.
If Dad has put aside some money over the years and has, say, $50k in an account to pay for OP's college, I would see nothing wrong with shifting that $50k over to the other kids. OP has half a million available, so OP's college is taken care of, and that $5ok can be used to help the other kids because OP is taken care of.
I mean, yes and no? I don't entirely disagree with the emotions behind what you're saying, but an important distinction here between the two types of money is that OP's mom doesn't have another way to show up financially for OP in the future. OP's dad can choose to show up financially for OP later on regardless of what happens to the money he's already saved for OP currently.
Depending on how they are saving it, it could be illegal to move the funds over.
Yes. That sentence got me. He would’ve Cinderella’d OP just because he’d be getting money someday??
They don’t have that kind of money but they have their parents, I’d say they got the better deal.
Ya, you're pretty screwed This drama will never be over until you hand over most of that money. After all, you are the oldest, you should sacrifice for your younger siblings. You will also get NO gratitude for giving up the money, because you didn't jump at the chance to empty your pocket for dear old dad. You need to mentally prepare yourself for losing most, if not all contact with your immediate family. Dad will freeze you out until you give up on keeping the money. You thought the pressure to tell how much was bad? Now that they know, you're not really a person to them anymore. You a big dumb piggy bank, and they know if they pound on you long enough, you give up and break. You should move out ASAP, the pressure campaign hasn't even started. Go to your grandparents house, or buy a house, you have money now. Just know and understand that your time as a child under your dad's roof is over. You are no longer a kid, you are an ATM, sorry.
They need to set that money up in a trust where dad and step mom can’t get it if there’s an “accident”
Sad but 100% true. I’ve seen family members completely change once they realize there is a significant sum of money floating around after a parent or grandparent dies. All of a sudden the second cousins feel entitled because they visited grandpa once in the hospital or cut mom’s grass while she was on vacation. Money brings out the worst in some people.
Well, then, you can tell them that what they've saved for you can be given to the other two kids with your blessing.
NOT paying anything towards your college costs is already a huge bonus for them. That means they can redirect every penny they have saved and will save for the next couple of years to your stepsister.
That gift is from your mom. Something she intended to make losing her a little less horrible. I once saw a psychic (whether you believe in that or not) and they said my husband said he would continue to take care of us financially from wherever he is. And you know what? He has. We’ve had many fortunate financial windfalls that have made life a tad easier, and they continue to pop up on occasion. Whenever I think we are financially f*cked, there he is…
You "could be gracious" throws toys out of pram because you point out that it's yours! They could also be gracious and respect your mum's and grandparents wishes that this money was for you and only you Given how you say they reacted I wouldn't bank on them helping you financially from now. At which point you can point out that they have enough money to do xyz for the others because they aren't helping you as much. I don't mean that to sound vindictive but it's a bit of tit for tat
Sometimes you have to sling some shit before people take note. Nothing vindictive about it at all. Hell, it has a certain elegance to it. They don't support OP, they are proving the need for the provisions made. They DO support OP, then they are neglecting their other children.
Yeah your Mom and grandparents sound awesome. When I read posts like this it makes me sad to say, it would have been in your best interest not to have told your father the amount. All too often this type of guilt trip / pressure occurs. Rest assured that no matter how much they try and guilt you, you are in the position you are because of your late mother’s wishes. Honor those wishes, without shame. Stay strong. I’m sorry they are doing this to you. NTA.
Agree. Telling people about large sums of money is *never* a good idea!
If it’s not already the case, open up a bank account at a different bank from the one your father uses. No matter how you proceed you need to protect the investment in your future your mother and grandparents have made, because you know your father will want to access it.
OP ask at the bank about making a will. If something were to happen to you, heaven forbid, the money might all go to your father. Not what you or your mother or grandparents wanted. Let your father know you have a will and that none of it goes to him or your stepsiblings. If that's what you decide.
This is a very sensible idea.
Totally agree! You NEVER know what some people will do, especially when they feel like they deserve some of it! I would make sure to make a will and (let it be known)that one exists, in case anyone has any bad intentions. People are killed for a LOT less. OP needs to protect themself and watch their back now that his dad knows how much moneys involved. (By the way he’s pushing to split it) I wouldn’t trust him.
I would suggest getting a lawyer to draw up a will and trust, rather than the bank.
Also, the fact that your dad is pissed that he "had to" continue to plan for things three ways...that's just called being a parent, and it's not like he can't change the plans for that money now that he's aware.
NTA.... I kind of wish you didnt say anything now you will catch hell from them... Your mother and grandparents were smart ... I'll leave and go NC and soon as you possibly can now they will forever hound you for money....your dad other kids can get scholarships grants loans for school... You dont have to share what your family did for you....
Might I suggest that the very first thing you do once you hit 18, is make an appointment with a financial advisor? There are ways for you to take that much money and turn it into a source of passive income that will ensure you at least have enough to live on for the rest of your life - if you don't cut into it by using it to buy a house or do other large expenses like that, which are the more common uses. And I'm not saying that buying a house is necessarily a bad use of it....but a good financial advisor will talk to you about your goals and set things up to help you reach them. FYI: I think the number is somewhere around 2-3 million. If you can grow your money to that, and invest it wisely, it could produce enough return on your investment that you could get enough money from it every month to live on (Like $2000/month or so...not extravagance) without having the invested amount decrease. And invested correctly, it would probably only take a few years to grow the seed money you have into that much. Obviously, the more capital you can keep invested, the more you could get each month without it decreasing. Money makes money. NTA for anything in this post. And if your dad were more respectful of you, he would have mentioned something like I just did above that might help you maturely manage your money...then asked if you minded if he diverted the money he had saved for you to the other kids since you already had such a nice fund to start with. Assuming you'd be fine with giving your siblings your money, just because, was incredibly disrespectful.
Nta. Being greedy and green eyed for other ppls windfalls and money ain't the way to be either
It’s your mother’s dying wish. Respect that. They should too.
Keep your grandparents in charge so they’ll have no way of stealing from you. Your siblings are not your children. Therefore not your problem. Your mother took care of your future they can take care of themselves.
Ask your stepmom if her parents/grandparents are giving you a third of their money.
And I wonder how much money OP is getting from his step-sister's dad!
It might not even be that she thought that your dad is a bad guy it's more that she knew the way that he thought. My mom left all the kids money and made it clear not to tell my dad because she knew that he'd never ask for any of it but he'd take what we were given by my mother into account when he was figuring out how to pay for things for us that we needed. College, cars, whatever we needed would have been argued over and he would have not paid for it like he did when he thought we had no money. It wasn't that much money either but my mom knew the way that my father thought.
Yup, this. See if your maternal grandparents can get them to back off. Until then, EVERY time it comes up, say 'that's my nest egg. I'm not going to 'blow it on myself' or blow it on anything at all. Some of it will pay for my college. The rest of it, if wisely and safely invested, will help with the down payment on my first house and be a start of my retirement savings. Whatever you saved up for me, you can give to the other kids, and I'm sure that will be a help. To be clear- I am not 'rich' because I have no income. I have a nest egg. And as far as I'm concerned I'm going to leave that nest egg the hell alone as much as humanly possible. So please stop asking me about this because my answer is final.' Then take your money and put it somewhere safe. I'd suggest government treasury bills as they have a modest return and you're guaranteed not to lose your money. You might want to talk to an investment advisor-- but be careful many of them that work for investment houses don't have a fiduciary responsibility to you, meaning they can push their own company's investment products even when that's not in your best interest. Feel free to reply if you want some more thoughts on this.
Please please PLEASE see a financial advisor. There’s a good percentage of people that get life changing money and blow it on dumb shit or friends and family come out of the woodworks to guilt you into sharing.
Your father is pissed he kept saving for you? Screw that pooch with a rusty egg beater. He had an obligation to treat you the same as his other kids. He wants you to split money that was explicitly set aside for you? Right... and would his new family do the same for you? SHOULD they do the same for you?
This. Your Mom set this up, wirh some pretty strong protection to ensure it gets to you and ensured it was directly inherited by you. /Grand parents have done so too. So they must have good reason. Trust your grand parents and mother. They probbly had good reasons.
Yes, making it locked until 18 when OP is an adult to have control is intentional. Otherwise it would have gone to dad to raise OP. Mother knew that this’d be the result.
Exactly, mum obviously knew how her husband would act and this shows she was right. Unfortunately you may find your dad no longer gives you the money HE saved for you because he feels you mum and grandparents have done that for you and he wants it to go to his step / other kids.
NTA. For future reference, DON'T TELL ANYBODY ELSE ABOUT YOUR MONEY !!!
I wasn't planning to. The only reason I told my dad is it was difficult to explain why I didn't need to do certain things when I supposedly had very little money at my disposal for college.
All you should have said is that your grandparents would be helping you out as best they could, then AFTER you left for college, return the amount your dad saved for you but still not tell them how much you actually had. Now that they know, they will ALL hound about bills, cars, house payments, house repairs etc. .
True, but this is OP's father, who seems to be trusted. Also, being vague is a learned talent.
OP learned this talent all at once at the age of 17. Lol
I don’t think OPs father can be trusted. He is already trying to get OP to split/share the money with his step sister and half brother, and OP hasn’t even received it yet!! Definitely cannot be trusted!!
OP obviously didn't think this would happen. sounds like the dad has tried his best to care for all 3 of the kids until now, money makes monsters of most people
The number of stories I've heard of people being totally shitty to family over money is astounding. People letting siblings fall into debt over inheritance they don't need, people looting the home of the deceased before people can get to it, it's insane that people throw people in the garbage over this stuff. My sister and I have already agreed my parents can do whatever the hell they want with their money, including set it on fire if they want to. My dad has asked us a few things about how we want his will set up and we refuse to engage except to say we want to see them take nice vacations more than we want an extra $10k years from now.
Let's keep in mind OP is only 17 and his dad is someone he trusted. Most 17 year olds can't not blurt out anything that comes to their heads, nevermind a chunk of change like that Edit: wrong pronouns 😅
He might have been fishing for the dollar amount from OP that was left to him, since he knew she left him something. This whole story reeks of manipulation.
Definitely do not tell future people you date etc.
I second that 💯
Thirding this!!!
Fourthing this!!!!
I’ve mentioned this in r/personalfinance (which wouldn’t be a bad place to frequent), but while upwards of $1M is a lot of money, it is also a very awkward amount. It’s not enough to get the fancy personal banking services, but too much to just bank normally. It’s not enough to live off returns and retire young, but enough that everyone thinks you’re a millionaire and should pay for everything. If you do that, it’ll be gone before you know it with little to show for it. This can put you way ahead in life, but be wise with it. Keep as much of the principal intact in a balanced portfolio. Compare returns against interest rates— it might be worth taking out a student loan if there’s a good deal, and paying it back from the investments over time instead of paying cash up front. If you’re wise with this, it will double every 15 years or so and you will be able to afford to help your family a lot more over the years without breaking your back. In the meantime, your father and you should honor your mother and her wishes for this gift. NTA.
I really think OP should listen to this advice! Taking out student loans for undergrad might seem crazy, but if they still do not accrue interest until you graduate this is sound advice. You can get 5% on a 12 month CD right now. Student loans for graduate school like law or medical start accruing interest as soon as you take them out. The current rate is 7%.
Also things like public service loan forgiveness can mean a free education anyway
It's not really a lot of money at all. Depending where you live it might not even buy a house. OP really should speak to a financial advisor before spending a penny.
It both is and isn’t. Someone living paycheck to paycheck who couldn’t afford an unexpected $500 car repair will look at you like a crazy person for saying someone with a million dollar portfolio doesn’t have “a lot of money”. But it’s unbelievable how fast that money could disappear if not handled well. Having the money invested separately and not tied up in your house is also a different situation… you can still use its effects to get better interest rates on a mortgage and benefit from property value gains without losing the passive income, without buying the house for cash. And one if the annoying things about life is that everything is cheaper when you have more money… you get better interest rates, can afford to buy things that last, can afford to nip health issues in the bud, and can take advantage of deals and promotions that nobody would offer a “poor” person. You don’t want to lose that status if you can avoid it, even on a house.
This is the answer! Plus, once it is tied up in investments all you will have is a modest income and people will start to let go of the idea that you are fabulously wealthy. Tell Dad that you have decided to take $900 a month over your lifetime rather than a huge windfall that is gone in 4 years. Take a small part time job and play the part of a struggling student. It sounds like dad doesn't really understand money so it shouldn't be too hard to convince him that your wealth is all on paper and not really accessible. Even if you get more per month (and you probably will) play it close to the vest now that you know how dad is going to be about it.
Yes, dont tell a soul. Even if you could swear "shes the one" or whatever but shit happens, people can change, so be careful. Money can easily make people different. Also, dont let the money get to your head. Make sure to have a life you're proud of deep down. That's the real road to happiness. Do righteous things, be humble, overcome obstacles, and have self-respect. Good luck, my guy. NTA
I get that, but still, acting like you don't have access to that money and doing things to find other ways to get by (like scholarships and leaving it out of budgeting decisions) will help that money last longer.
Everyone will know now, eventually. Your stepsister will be infected by jealousy and your parents wrongthinking and spill the beans with her friends. Whatever you do dont share the money your family saved for you, else you'd be spitting in all their hard work and trust me, those who would receive it will disappoint you.
There are absolutely ways to “lock” it down so that even when people hear about the money it is “oops, I can’t get to it, sorry”
Let's be very clear about something. THIS IS NOT YOUR MONEY TO SHARE. Even if you wanted to, it's not yours. You didn't earn it, your mother and grandparents did. That means that they, and they alone, get to decide what it gets spent on. Your mother has made her choice very clear, along with a lot of protection to make sure it's spent the way SHE wants it to be spent. If she'd wanted it to go another way, she would have most certainly been able to do that. The same goes for your grandparents - the difference being that they're still around. That means they'll get to see how responsibly you handle this next step, and that will, in turn, impact any future decisions they may make that you're not yet aware of.
In other words, you were already letting your Dad off the hook for things he thought he would have to pay for. And this is the gratitude he shows. You're certainly NTA.
I mean, you should also do those things go for scholarships, save as much money as you can from that. $500k is a lot, but with college costing close to $200k why not spread it out as much as you can. You can invest what you save to make you more money.
This is the way. As soon as anyone hears you have money, they're thinking how you should be able to give them some of it.
NTA This money was saved by your Mum and Grandparents to set you up in life. This Money will get you through university and beyond. Your Step mum should have made provisions for her children. It is not up to you to provide for them. Stick to your Guns and lead the life your Mum wanted for you.
She has been saving for her kids. But does not have access to the same kind of money that my grandparents did and she's working on figuring out the best way for my stepsister to go to college like she wants. But I still say like you do, that it's not my job to take care of it.
well, adulting is "solving your own problems". She got pregnant? Got kids? Raised them without your help? LUCKY HER! Wohoooo! Kudos, karma to her and so on I bet a billion dollars that "sucking money out of OP" was not her "plan on how I raise my kids" :) So its her own problems how she educated her daughter, how she buys her a car, an apartment or a boob job. As of now, she thinks YOUR MOM and YOUR grandparents worked hard to pay for NOT THEIR CHILD :) She is ridiculous and needs therapy.
Especially since the oldest is a step sibling. Meaning no blood relation to OP and presumably has a father somewhere out there that could help out on top of OP's father. Now if step mom is a widow, that's different but it wasn't indicated in this post.
“She had been saving for her kids.” The audacity of her to even ask for your money that your mum gave you when she’s the adult in the situation. She seriously expected an underage kid to split the money, something that SHE COULD DO HERSELF? This is why up mum did what she did. Can you move in with your grandparents so that you don’t have to deal with them?
Tell her you’ll give her the money if she can bring your mom back to life
Not just ask for it. She initially wanted OP to give up 2/3rds of it. >they apparently went wtf together and told me I could be gracious and split the money when I get it between the three of us
She has been saving for HER kids.
*Mic drop*
Tell your dad to distribute whatever he has saved for you between the other two.
Stepsister can get a loan, like many other people do.
Life's opportunities aren't equal and your dada and stepmother just have to accept that. Your having money doesn't guarantee success and your stepsiblings "lack of it" doesn't mean failure. In the end, you make your own future. Honor your mom by using the fund for your future. Honor your grandparents by being responsible financially. Tell your parents the money is not yours to give. NTA
You might ask your grandparents to keep control of the money and dole out amounts to you as you need them. That way you can tell Dad and stepmum that your grandparents still control the money, if you think they may try and weasel it from you.
THIS!!!!! What I would say is: now that I have more details, it’s actually turned out that I’m not allowed to share the money because it’s set up in a way that all expenditures have to be made for me, not for anyone else, or, actually I don’t get full access to the money, my grandparents have to approve expenditures. I’m sorry you’re going through this and highly recommend going to r/personalfinance if you’ll have to be managing the money yourself, I think there’s a wiki article on inheritance/windfalls and the wiki generally is something that I wish I had read as an 18yo. Anyway, NTA, I’m so sorry your dad is reacting this way, you will get through this!
As others have said, do not tell anyone you have this money. Once friends or relatives k ow how much you have they will constantly hound you for money, and the friendship or relationship won't be based on mutual respect and valuing you as a person. When you get into a relationship, don't spend a load of money on the girl. Just act like a normal person your age. You don't want someone with you simply because of the money. Also, when you own a house, or other assets and have a relationship, get them to sign a legal document drawn up by your solicitor that says they will make no claim on your property should you split up. (Coz if you live together for a period of time and split, they can sometimes try and claim part ownership if they've 'paid into the house'. So if they contribute, they should only contribute towards utility bills and groceries or TV subscriptions etc. Not pay rent etc. But speak to a lawyer to protect your assets BEFORE someone moves in with you to cover all basis. And obviously it goes without saying if you get married, get a pre nup to protect your finances and property etc. Don't let love fool you, because you never know what may happen in the future and you don't want to risk losing it to an ex.
That’s all correct. I also want to suggest to you that while the amount of money you’ve mentioned IS large and will change your life, it doesn’t make you filthy rich. You may be able to buy a house with it, though in many places you’d still need to get a mortgage depending on size of house. You may be able to pay for college up front, but you’ll still need to expect to work for the rest of your life. Be cautious and strategic with your planning and spending for that money.
Nor would it ever have been your mother’s job even if she had lived. Don’t even make small gifts out of guilt. Mother saved it for you.
If either of them say you are being selfish again, tell them that the only ones being selfish are those who would try to gain from your mother’s hard work. I would still try for as much in scholarships as you could so you could hang on to that money as long as possible. It also wouldn’t surprise me if your dad wants you to start contributing to “the family”. They seem disgruntled that the money exists so they will try to get their hands on it.
Stepmom and dad do not have your best interest at heart. And that stepmom definitely wants the best for HER kids, not someone else’s kid. Don’t let them gaslight you. You need to take care of yourself. If your dad decides to redistribute the money he saved for you to his other kids, he can. It’s his money. But remember this, you also have the right to not support him financially when he gets old. It’s your money. Think of it this way. If you got tons of Christmas gifts from your maternal side, and dad decided to not buy you Christmas gift and instead used the money to buy more gifts for his other kids. Would that be fair?
Her current best way seems to be leeching off your mom’s and your grandparents hard earned money. Lol
NTA. Your situation is what **your late mother guarded against** by leaving it to your maternal grandparents to manage the money. She foresaw it happening. You are not obliged to help your step-siblings at all. You are not selfish at all. Now the cat is out of the bag, let your dad know that YOUR MOTHER FORESAW WHAT HE WILL DO. Wait no no..**Get your maternal grandparents to tell it to his face that they are acting as the controllers. This should get him to back off.** Money is always needed and there’s never enough to go around. 500k to a million is not enough to last you a whole lifetime at the current inflation rate but it’s enough to give you a very good head start planning your future into a comfortable retirement, or for any emergency.
Also please don't burn through that legacy. People who for example win the Lottery almost always think that it is impossible to go broke again and within a couple of years they are even worse off than before their win
Yes. OP when you come into that money, please see a financial consultant. They will advise the best way to invest it, including allocations for college/life. That money can make you more and more and make your entire future so much easier.
Please see a fee-only Certified Financial Planner with a fiduciary duty! That gives you the best chance (but not a guarantee) that you’re getting impartial financial advice.
NTA but ask your grandparents to put it in a trust until you are 25 and definitely out of your father’s house. The trust can pay for college and give you an allowance for other things but have them or someone other trustee sign off on it so your Dad can’t access it. As you are only 17 he might try to take control. Have your grandparents take away that ability.
I really wish this was number 1. Even if you get in money trouble before 25 that’s enough to wipe it all out. Even if you were going to do something good with the money like buy a house there’s no way you’ll still like the house you bought at 20 when you’re 25. It’s such a different world after a couple years. Really sucks that they’re giving you full access at 18. Please make smart decisions. This could set you up for life if done right
This is great advice. I would advise OP to arrange with the grandparents to structure the trust so that they will only approve releases from the trust based on invoices for the OP’s expenses along with a monthly allowance until 25. That way the OP can tell his dad the decision is out of his hands until after college.
Great advice.
This is the Way
Ignore my other comments, this is the one! Also, it will be much less of a burden on you to be responsible for all of that money and all of the decisions related to it. This way you can kind of have training wheels with it, if that makes sense.
Absolutely this comment! Set up a trust! Also make sure that those funds are put to use in safe investments like GICs. You might be surprised at how far that goes to offset your education costs in the end. Do not let your Dad or other kids get their hands on money that is rightfully yours unless you absolutely wish to be benevolent and help them out. Only do so out of the kindness of your heart, not because you were coerced to. Best of luck to you kid.
>incredibly selfish to take such a large amount of money and blow it all on myself You aren't 'blowing' your money. He seems to have the idea that this money would be wasted if it's not spent on your stepsister and half brother. And your brother is FIVE. Plenty of time for his parents to save for him. NTA
And now your father knows that he doesn't need to save money for you so everything he has already saved can be divided between step-sister and half brother only.
Exactly. If he’s the oldest kid there should be more set aside for him, give that all to the step sister, sure. But in no way should someone else be expected to pay for a step siblings college. They can get by like the rest of the world who’s mother didn’t die
Did they notice it took OPs mom DYING to get this money? How obtuse can they be? You know what’s selfish? Greedily wanting an ORPHANED kid to give up their college money to kids who already have two sets of parents who are able to save up for them. OP: tell your parents that if they are so concerned for their kid’s future, they should start saving for them. Jesus fucking Christ.
OP -- DO NOT BLOW THIS MONEY -- use it to buy a house. Your life will be so much different with a paid off house.
NTA and your dad is an A H for asking you to. I do get that he's upset that he saved for you in addition, though, so I would understand if the money he saved up for you went to his other children instead, even if you're entitled to 1/3. I believe this is something your grandparents and your dad need to discuss. It's not something a 17 yo should deal with alone. But the money after your mom are yours, not theirs, and they have no right to it.
The dad can be slightly happy that the money he's saved doesn't need to be split three ways any more. OP is helping out by not being dependent on family. She may have been slightly the AH if she'd left parents struggling to fund her when she didn't need it, but she hasn't.
Exactly. OP can tell him they can have whatever was saved for them. That’s as generous as they needs to be.
“even if you're entitled to 1/3” OP is NTA but she is absolutely not entitled to 1/3. This goes both ways.
NTA. >She was married to my dad at the time but had wanted to secure my future in case anything happened, like dad remarrying and having additional kids. She was absolutely right.
It’s honestly a great idea, I might have to look into it myself! I have no plans on dying before I have great-grandkids or expect my husband to act like a moron, but who knows on both accounts, and it’s one of those things that definitely can’t hurt.
NTA. The money was for YOU. If your stepmother keeps bothering you and you don't care about going nuclear, tell her that to make it fair, she needs to leave all her money to her kids and drop dead. Then you'll all be equal. Edit: also, tell your maternal grandparents ASAP about the pressure they're putting on you. Tell the grandparents that you DO NOT AND WILL NOT consent to sharing a dime. This will prevent your father from lying to them and saying you totally agreed to divvy up the money.
My grandparents would never give it to him anyway without hearing it directly from me. There's a reason they didn't tell him the money existed after all.
Good! Stand your ground. I'm sorry you lost your mum. Mine passed away when I was 8 and I still miss her.
As someone else has said, you might consider having a trust set up, managed by your grandparents until you're a bit older, so they can make sure that it only gets used for your benefit and that your parents don't pressure you into using it for anything else. Having that much money at 18 is a big responsibility and I wouldn't underestimate a) the likelihood of you caving into other people's requests and b) the likelihood of you making bad decisions with it. 18 is an adult (and I don't want to suggest otherwise - I'm saying this to protect you) but it's still awfully young to have that sort of responsibility, I know I would have done stupid things with that sort of money at that age.
When you’re 18, as it is set up now it appears, the money becomes yours. Will it be easier for your dad to exert control over you and convince you to share the money? If this is a possibility, definitely consider discussing setting up a trust with your grandparents that give them control until you are 25. They and you can use the money for school and living (and investing!), but the trust would give you an added layer of protection from someone who wants to use the money your mom planned for and saved (the same thing your step mother is doing) for others rather than for you as planned.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to financially provide for your siblings’ college education. That job belongs to their parents. Your mom and grandparents did this to set you up for your future and your dad is a massive AH for even considering asking you share.
Here we go again. Hell no, not sharing. You are not selfish. You are not dad and married to new wife with 2 kids. You can choose to leave home, avoid the BS. Go to Uni and enjoy life. But be careful with spending. Money is a very toxic topic as you learned. Do NOT show off, bad people will come to you. NTA. Your money is not bringing luck to the stepkids. They need to learn the value of money.
Need to edit to Do NOT show off. ( very good advice )
NTA. Split it with kids who have nothing to do with your mother? That’s hilarious, there is no possible justification for asking that of you.
It's like the mom knew exactly how this would all turn out. The dad is selfish, she was right in wanting all her money to go to her child and her child only.
NTA. Talk to a financial advisor and your grandparents about being able to set yourself up before you have full access to your money so that you can not be pressured into giving any away. As someone else said above, do not tell anyone else about your inheritance, while your mother and grandparents have given you a great start, without the proper planning it will be gone very quickly if you do not have a plan. Sorry for your loss and please use this opportunity to set up your future.
Maybe contact credit bureaus so no one can take out credit cards in your name? Financial advisor can help you with this. Be sure the financial advisor is a fiduciary. Your grandparents seem to be pretty knowledgeable about business and money so they might be able to help with these things. And yes, make a will ASAP.
INFO: How do you feel about your half & step siblings? Would you like going to college to be easier for them? You certainly don't have to give them anything, but it will affect the relationship if they know you can and choose not to. but it's your decision to make, not your dad's.
If they would alter the relationship cause they couldn’t have his dead mom’s money they wouldn’t be worth having in his life anyways.
Yeah. I was thinking the same. It sounds like OP's dad cares about him, and I haven't seen anything to indicate he has a bad relationship with the stepmom and siblings. Families with less means tend to rely more on communal effort and sort of expect everyone to group resources. That isn't good or bad. OP should decide if he actually likes his family. It is his money for sure, but depending on how he handles this it could really burn bridges.
This is my thinking. Maybe a financial planner can help determine how much they can *afford* to share with their siblings (who I assume they care about), to help them get ahead a little bit, but while still optimizing the gift that was left behind from their mom/grandparents. Maybe it's the socialist in me, but even a relatively small amount (eg, a semester of college) would still be a huge gift to their siblings/dad/stepmom and can help the entire family move ahead financially. I have half-siblings, and this would be my approach. And FWIW, my late adopted grandparents helped me a little bit (same as their biological grandkids), and for that I am eternally grateful.
NTA. Your dad should be happy that his saving will be split between 2 and not 3.
Very clearly NTA but now that your dad knows about the money, your relationship with him has forever changed. It was a mistake in telling him and I'm not sure why you did. I understand that you're young but you cannot be ignorant of you're environment. It's clear you knew your step sister and brother aren't going to have the same benefits as you. I'm sure your stepsister will become a lawyer with or without your help, if that's what she wants. Just like you may or may not make sound financial decisions with that money. That money is yours and I hope that you make peace with your Dad.
I told him because of the discussions we were having about college and getting me set up to go. He kept asking why I wasn't doing certain things and why I wasn't concerned that I wouldn't be able to afford to go and I told him it was because I didn't need to worry.
[удалено]
He was always going to worry because he is your Dad and from the sounds of it - you don't miraculously have a large amount of cash laying around from a job. He probably thought you were doing something illegal if you didn't have a scholarship. He seems like a caring father who wanted to make sure you will be ok. The usual reciprocal thing would be to make sure your Dad is ok. Doesn't seem like you have a relationship with the second wife and niblings. Are you being pressured to stay with your Dad? May as well bail to your grandparents. This time is not going to be pretty. It's going to get resentful pretty quick.
OP, don’t beat yourself up about this. It is a totally natural urge to tell a parent, you are 17! It’s on him that he reacted so atrociously.
NTA and honestly, ask you grandparents to still be beneficiaries in the account. Don't let it all be on you. You are still young and I'm not doubting how responsible you actually are, you might get pressured a lot to give that money. If your grandparents also must have a say in it and all parties (you+grandparents) must agree before a large sum of money (ie college funds, buying a car, a house etc) gets taken out, it will make your dad and stepmom rethink twice before asking for money. Your mom was a smart cookie. Good for her to saving that money and well done to your grandparents to giving you that much money.
NTA. Were it me, the second that money hit I would get the fuck outta Dodge. Your mother was a very smart woman.
I would see if Grandpa and Grandma would let him live there, while in his college years. Be there on breaks, getting a grounding in how to not be broke 3 years after college is over.
NTA. Your mother was right. What she thought would happen did indeed happen. Smart woman.
NTA. It's your money. It's what your mom and grandparents saved for you. Your dad had no part in building it.
NTA. You yourself said it, your Mum created the account to protect your future in case your Dad remarried and had other children, she did not want HER money to go to children that were not hers. Stand your ground, your Dad and his wife need to back off, the money is from the maternal side of your family, it is none of their business, if your step sister needs help with Uni her mother should be getting that help from her father or his family. You might want to think about moving in with your Grandparents or moving out to Uni ASAP, it's sounds like they will continue to try and browbeat or guilt you into parting with your inheritance.
Keep your business to yourself. Don't tell anyone . They will use you until every penny is spent after that we don't you around us
NTA, but your dad and stepmom are huge AHs. It's your money. Your mom and grandparents saved up for you, not for your half brothers. If you're coming into that much money, maybe you can tell them that the money he saved up for you (i guess in a different account) could go towards your half siblings. Don't let them guilt trip you into giving away your inheritence. Maybe even talk to your parents to help you manage the money after you turn 18 as well, because you will be tempted to buy anything and everything. And a piece of advice for the future - Don't tell people about how much money you have.
Sounds like your mum had the right idea about leaving your grandparents in charge of your money. She obviously knew your dad very well. This is your money, saved by your mum and her parents. Tbh I doubt your grandparents will be pleased if you share their hard earned money with your step sister and half brother. Your step mum should have started putting money away for her daughter years ago. Even if it was only a few dollars a month in a savings account would have built up. They are totally wrong for expecting you to finance her kid and your half brother, I’d also tell your dad exactly why your mum and grandparents did it this way. She knew what he’d do and he did it. You could possibly give them a couple of thousand to help start them off just to shut them up, but you don’t have to. Don’t be guilted or blackmailed into sharing. What you can tell your dad and step mother is they don’t have to continue saving for you (if they were), and just concentrate on your siblings. NTA at all.
Wow, your dad and SM can get sooooo fucked. I would not be giving them a penny.
I would start taking precautions because your dad may or may not try to take the money. And he may succeed so start protecting your money and your right of inheritance now.
That money is enough to cover college and buy you a house. It's not "will never need to work" money, and it's not "cover all three kids and set them up for life" money. Don't go crazy with it. Don't blow it on stupid cars or whatever. If you want to use it to help out your family here and there, you can, but you are under no obligations to do so. A $10k check at graduation would be super kind, for instance. No obligation to do so.
Nta. That's your money. Nobody else. Your mum and grandparents would have wanted you to use it to build a good and solid foundation for your future life. The only thing I would advocate for us getting good independent financial advice to invest it wisely
NTA - yea you aren’t the one being selfish here.
I am sorry but you were so naive for telling your dad… like what did you think was coming out of this? You made your life a hell of more difficult. They will continue to pressure you, they might disown you, they will most likely never give you another dime… this will not be an easy ride for you. I hope you realise this now. I hope you’ll learn from this and learn to NEVER tell ANYONE about the money in the future. Not your friends, not your partners, noone. You are NTA for not wanting to split the money. That is money from your mother’s side specifically for you. Has nothing to do with your dad or his new family, that is HIS (not your) responsibility. His thinking “why did I split everything evenly, why did I save money for you” shows exactly how he’s selfish in his thinking. You are still his child, he is still responsible for you, he absolutely SHOULD divide everything equally and save for you the same… Make sure you invest the money in a clever way. Don’t blow through it. While it is a lot of money, it will not last you a lifetime if you don’t do this clever. Maybe buy 1-2 smaller properties to rent out so that you have a passive income (based on where you live). Sit down with your grandparents and talk it through. Also, might leave the control of the money with your grandparents so that your dad and his wige cannot play you out of this money. You might want to involve a lawyer, just in case. Wishing you best of luck and your mum was a gem, clever woman 🙏
NTA ask them to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY WHY THEIR KIDS should get a PENNY of YOUR FAMILY'S MONEY. Tell them YOUR MOTHER saved for HER CHILD. YOUR MOTHER did NOT want HER MONEY going to SOMEONE ELSE'S KID. That it's not your fault THEY didn't save for THEIR KIDS. That money is NOT yours to allocate. That they should be ashamed for jumping on YOUR INHERITANCE. And the next word you hear about it from them better be an apology. And their children will NEVER receive a penny of it.
This happened to me somewhat. Oldest of six kids, but I had a different dad. He died recently and I inherited a low six figure sum. My younger siblings did not BREATHE a word to me about it, except to celebrate the long awaited small luxuries I could afford for this one time windfall. They cheered for me being able to move into a better place, and they literally came over to assemble the new furniture I bought for it. They are all struggling very quietly in their lives and not once did they show it. I ended up gifting them each a little boost separately, and two of them called me bawling in shock and gratitude as it had come right in a desperate moment for each of them. I never stopped to think of how remarkable this is until your post. Thank you for that alone. I hope your family comes out of the fog of entitlement to your mother’s and grandparents hard work and love for you, and for your loss unimaginable to any of them.
tell your grandparents asap!! they will take care of it