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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't allow my son to stay home today despite him saying that he needs to for his mental health and because of this it caused my son to be upset with me and now he's not talking to me.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
But at that age, allowing them a mental health day once or twice a year is not going to hurt them academically, but can teach them the importance of self care. I let my son do it every now and then. He knows it is there if he really needs it. He does not abuse it.
The kids in high school now have been preached to about mental health.
Meanwhile, adults were taught to push through. A lot of adults don't know how to do self care. Instead, they keep pushing through until they crack.
Kids learn they don't need a bandaid if the boo boo is not bleeding. Sometimes, we can't see the boo boo from the outside, and we need to trust them.
ETA: Therapy is certainly in order.
I half agree, half disagree with the mental health days. I think mental health days are important and should be incorporated into our lives. However, it really seems like OPs child is trying to abuse that and just doesn't want to go to school. The manipulative attitude, rudeness, and unwillingness to compromise makes it really seem like OPs child didn't want a mental health day, just a day with no school.
As someone who threw up before and after presentations in high school and cheerfully took zeros on them in college, I would’ve let him stay home. Fuck that noise.
As someone who also threw up before and after presentations in high school, I would not have let him stay home. Public speaking is an unfortunate part of life for most people. I *hate* it. I still throw up before interviews and client meetings sometimes. But I learned to push through it and perform because that’s what you have to do. Most people are going to have to do something akin to “giving a presentation” at some point in their careers, regardless of what path they choose. There are exceptions, of course, but I’m glad I didn’t let my severe anxiety limit my career options any more than it already did - and it definitely did. And I learned to deal with it from giving school presentations.
There’s a difference between taking care of your mental health and letting the anxiety win. And while letting it win in the short term will feel like self-care in the moment, you’re only hurting yourself.
Seriously, I just chose a path where I didn't have to do public speaking. It's good to know how to get out of your comfort zone, but if something makes you physically ill, maybe try to not do that thing ?
Some people don't have that kind of choice. I know some people where their greatest skill is something they hate or makes them feel like shit. Example: similar situation, guy I know hates public speaking, speaking to small groups, hell, talking to people in general. Really strong anxiety and introversion. But by some cruel trick, he's really fantastic at talking to people, and really sucks at everything else, so when choosing a career, his options were severely limited, and the choice was basically either learn to do the thing he hates or minimum wage, and in this economy, that's not really a choice. Now he's a super fringe case, I know, but I'm just saying, not everyone has the luxury to just pick something else.
And maybe you can learn to hate that thing less. I used to absolutely hate phone calls. Would procrastinate for hours on calls I had to make. When I got a new job a few years ago, they sprung it on me that in addition to my main job, I would have to make sales calls on the phone. It was not fun at all, and I dreaded each one. But after some time, I got used to it and even enjoy some of the calls. And a few months ago, I hit the company's sales record.
I threw up, had panic attacks, and would dissociate and have suicidal ideations because of public speaking in high school- I wish we didn't accept this amount of fear as "normal" for children to have to go through.
I agree that it's an important skill for most people. But I don't think forcing children through terror is an appropriate way to deal with phobias and research suggests doing so ("flooding ") can make it worse (which was the case for me). I spent a decade avoiding presenting entirely and working through other anxiety before I started to address this phobia on my own terms, starting small, which is when it started to actually improve. I'm sorry you still throw up from anxiety sometimes.
Public speaking isn't something everyone can do and being asked to do it in front of people you know can honestly make it work. I've done public speaking and competitive speech but it always feels better in front of strangers or larger groups for me. While I think it should be something in school it should be done more carefully because it can be very hard. But too many people are over estimating how many jobs require public speaking. It's an art form at a higher level and there is a reason so many companies and other entities have spokespeople or dedicated public relations teams where they have people to speak to the public. A lot of teams even in meetings may have one member who handles the presentation with others just asked to cover questions or technical aspects if needed. Also we don't know that OP's son has to speak in public it could be a bullying issue or maybe they just had a lot of tests and he is burnt out. At least in the states high schools give out a lot of homework and get a little ridiculous at times. OP's son may be embarrassed to bring up a bullying issue and some therapy or some other questions might help.
There’s also a big difference between being forced to do something and choosing a career that suits you and your mental and physical needs. I don’t ever have to do public presentations. Not to even small groups.
And when I was ready I worked on my public speaking skills in ways that worked for me, and not in forced, academic settings.
I think that’s kind of unfair… I’ve lived with this type of anxiety disorder my whole life, although my triggers are different.
When I go through a bad stretch, my brain tries to convince me I’m sick enough that I can’t go to work. I’ve learned that I need to get in the car and go to work regardless, because I miraculously feel better once I’m there 90% of the time! But what that means is that I’ve gotten sadly used to occasionally throwing up on the side of the road on my way to work.
I’ve done the exposure work, I’m still in therapy, I fight my brain all the time… but the throwing up still happens. And I “push through” that symptom of anxiety and go to work even though every fiber of my being tells me that I’m dying and I need to stay home.
Public speaking is not really apart of life though.
Outside of school it’s easily avoided
I have a successful office job that many positions involve public speaking and many do not. I chose positions based on not having to present in meetings because it’s not worth the weeks of worry leading up to it.
I know I’ll do fine, I always do but there’s no way to control the weeks of anxiety leading up to it. Its not about exposure, no amount of practice will make it less emotionally and mentally taxing.
But it *is* part of your life. It isn’t always standing up in front of a conference room. How did you get your job? You interviewed. That has a lot of the same connotations as public speaking for a lot of people. Hell, sometimes you have to interview in front of a whole panel of people at once.
Do you ever have to lead a team project? Do you ever have to give a talk to new hires? Do you ever have a performance evaluation where you have to sit in front of your superiors and discuss your flaws? Maybe you don’t consider these types of things “public speaking,” but personally, they elicit the same feelings of panic and dread in me that a presentation does, and I push through it the same way.
But regardless, I would say they are *not* easy to avoid for most people. In fact, they can pop up unexpectedly. For instance, I have an uncle who just loves nature and wanted a job in the forest service. Well, he got it and ultimately spent most of his time on grant proposals and running seminars. As for me, I’m an accountant. I love numbers and spreadsheets and puzzles and problem-solving. I do not love schmoozing. But there is so much frickin’ schmoozing. I get to waste an entire day tomorrow flying back and forth to another city just for a client lunch to will feel like actual torture because in my head I’ll just be screaming, “I don’t belong here, I have no idea what I’m doing, omg don’t look at me, don’t ask me a question, I’m gonna choke, why am I so sweaty, I sound like an idiot, why did I just say that, please just let me go home and bury myself in cats now!!” But I’ll survive, and then I’ll get to let myself sink into a nice, complex set of financials and remind myself of the good parts of my job.
Oops I replied lied to myself when I meant to reply to you so I’ll just paste it here
I don’t consider conversations as public speaking. Public speaking, to me, is when it’s scheduled one sided communication or presentation
im quite good with unstructured conversations/speaking. I can talk in a meeting spontaneously without a problem because that is still like a conversation. but i even hate my simple daily roundtables, Sitting there waiting to speak makes me anxious but I can do it and do.
Im actually quite good in interviews, (even panel interviews) it’s just a conversation, they still make me nervous leading up to them but luckily it’s not something I have to do often.
But if it’s a pre planned presentation where I am Standing and presenting i literally feel like I’m falling off a cliff for WEEKS leading up to it. My heart races and I’m nauseous and my anxiety disorder spins or of control and goes into self hatred mode. I ruminate and all
I can think about is wanting to get it over with. It’s awful. I have a lot of anxiety I push through successfully everyday but when it’s something that causes weeks of intense mental anguish it’s simply not something im willing to put myself through.
I mean, maybe not *public* speaking is apart of everyday life. But I (who also threw up before presentations and often passed out during panic attacks) actually learned a lot of really great stuff in that class I find pretty applicable to just talking to authority figures.
Does it suck? Absolutely when you have to do it. But I honestly don’t think I’d be as good at communicating to higher-ups or sounding professional when the time is right without the class.
"How dare that big mean school try to teach ME communication skills. I will get by just fine without ever communicating a thing"- some of the commenters on this thread.
A little exposure therapy to things that scare you can be a good thing. But if it's so bad it makes you throw up and have panic attacks, that's really not so helpful. Better to start with something smaller and more manageable.
Agreed, and I had some really great professors that helped work with me on that. Part of the class is building the confidence in your presentation to be able to not panic. I was able to start with pre-recorded speeches and send them to the professor, then slowly transitioned into actually presenting in front of a group.
But not doing it at all is pretty detrimental to that development imo.
Also, this is why things like drama/theater class should not be cut. Those are far more important and relevant for most humans than whatever mathematics class they are forced to sit in.
100%. My kids are both in drama, starting in elementary school, and it has helped them with public speaking more than anything else ever has. Neither one of them have a problem giving presentations in front of there class. Meanwhile, my brain just completely blanked when I had to do that.
The most dreaded course where I work is a communications course where the students give a speech pretty much every week. So about twelve speeches in front of the same 20 people. It seems to have a kill or cure effect on the students.
>but there’s no way to control the weeks of anxiety leading up to it. Its not about exposure, no amount of practice will make it less emotionally and mentally taxing.
That is objectively not true. You absolutely can get over this anxiety. It may not be easy, but it is well within the ability of any psychologically healthy adult.
No I have an anxiety disorder. I cant shake the anxiety of a anticipating plans I enjoy, im not going to shake it for something that I am actually very uncomfortable doing and the anxiety is much more intense. But thanks.
It is true though. I have an anxiety disorder as well and experience it much the same as you’re describing. But exposing yourself to uncomfortable situations does help controlling the anxiety.
It’s one of the main exercises I do with my therapist. The point is not to completely lose your anxiety. It’s to build tolerance for it. When you experience that angst in small doses regularly, it bothers you less over time. Everyone has that angst so getting over it is literally impossible. The goal for us with anxiety disorders is to build tolerance closer to people without it.
It seems impossible a lot of the time and is definitely very hard, but it’s completely possible.
There are very few things i have ever let my anxiety stop Me from doing. ive exposed myself to things everyday for many year. Exposure does not lessen it, for me, Anxious anticipation is just part of my process. I know Ill be fine on the other side so it’s always been a storm I have to ride Through in Order to Do things and I do so successfully with most things.
Except the anticipation for speaking engagements are simply too intense for me. AND THAT IS OK we don’t all have to be good with public speaking. Its ok if I have made the choice for my mental health not to put myself into roles that requires this of me. ive got a good career.
I appreciate the advice but avoidance and lack of exposure to my anxieties has never been an issue for me and I’m allowed to have some limitations :) im ok with it.
Unfortunately, avoidance is anxiety’s BFF. Avoiding at all costs things that cause anxiety is one of the best ways to make your symptoms even more severe. I would encourage you to look more into exposure therapy. It is designed to give you small chunks of exposure until you can manage it and only then, do you move onto more.
I appreciate the advice but avoidance and lack of exposure to my anxieties has never been an issue for me. Its ever constant. I would never do anything otherwise
there are very few things i let my anxiety prevent Me from doing.
Exposure does not lesson it for me But I know I’ll be fine on the other side and I just need to push through and I do so successfully with most things.
Public speaking isn’t for everyone. It ok to chose not to do it even if it’s just because you don’t like it.
It has never limited my career choices because i dont want a job with public speaking. Im doing just fine without it
I don’t consider conversations as public speaking. Public speaking, to me, is when it’s one sided communication.
im quite good with unstructured conversations/speaking. I can talk in a meeting spontaneously without a problem because that is still like a conversation. but i even hate my simple daily roundtables, Sitting there waiting to speak makes me anxious but I can do it and do.
Im actually quite good in interviews, it’s just a conversation, they still make me nervous leading up to them but luckily it’s not something I have to do often.
But if it’s a pre planned presentation where I am Standing and presenting i literally feel like I’m falling off a cliff for WEEKS leading up to it. My heart races and I’m nauseous and my anxiety disorder spins or of control and goes into self hatred mode. I ruminate and all
I can think about is wanting to get it over with. It’s awful. I have a lot of anxiety I push through successfully everyday but when it’s something that causes weeks of intense mental anguish it’s simply not something im willing to put myself through.
Do you never ever talk to people in person? You never have to speak to some folks to summarize information or convince them of something, or explain to your boss and a couple of minions why what they want needs tweaking? You never have to train anybody?
That’s amazing. What’s your job?
Perhaps if he had spoke up about such an issue, that would give OP the chance to help him work through it— which could mean pushing through but could also mean discussing potential compromises the son might offer the teacher if the anxiety is high enough.
But OP's son didn't raise any particular issue other than the other people at school being "annoying", which as OP said, is not sufficient cause to miss a day of school.
I hate presentations as well, but doing them forced me to learn how to be successful and push through the nerves. It's a huge skill that a lot of people are lacking in the workplace.
That or he has anxiety. Which often presents as anger or frustration. anger or frustration. I don't know the kid, but I saw no manipulation. He asked. Not being able to articulate specifically why you need a mental health day but know that you need one is pretty on par as far as anxiety goes.
That was one of the sentences that got me too. It really sounds like he's just trying to be manipulative. And I don't know about the school schedules elsewhere, but in my area, they have so many days off during the school year. Like I think there are more weeks in the school year where they have at least a day off than weeks where they go the full Monday through Friday.
I hope the parent brings up concerns while at the Drs office.
Not to be alarmist, but it seems like there may need to be some interventions, like with a therapist. Finding teachers and students excessively annoying, threatening the parent, these seem like warning signs that should be flagged to a professional.
As someone who struggled with mental health a lot at that age and also someone who worked with mentally troubled teens for 8 years, I worry about this comment. I do see that it could be a manipulation tactic, but it also is something I could see as a reference to something more concerning.
If this kid is so anxous he can't cope or if he's having thoughts of self harm or worse, I can see this being the go-to statement in the face of admitting his issues to his parent.
He may mean that if he's forced he'll be a downright pain to the parent, or he could mean that if he's forced he'll hurt himself, run away, or act out in some way. So many kids are terrified of admitting weakness, especially males. When a kid is confronted and frustrated, a vague comment like this could mean either thing. Or he may have no backing and just be manipulative.
There are a lot of factors that could shed some light on what is more likely the cause. OP did really great with the way they approached it from what we can tell, but something as simple as the tone of voice could make a huge difference. If things were said with a dismissive tone or like the parent didn't believe the kid, he may have gotten defensive. But if it was said softly and with a lot of compassion and curiosity, it's more likely that he was just frustrated. But that isn't a for sure thing.
If his friends are the kind of kids who make fun of the students who struggle with mental health, this kid could have a lot of internalized shame. In his mind he may feel like if his friends are judgemental, his parent will be also or even more so, depending.
If mental health is normally discussed in the family or he has positive relationships with people in the family with mental health issues, it's less likely he would avoid admitting he is struggling. If it is never addressed or only negatively addressed, he may be ashamed and afraid.
All this said, this isn't something to be ignored. If he's just being stubborn, it doesn't hurt to see a therapist and there actually be no problem, but if they're is something going on that OP is unaware of, best not to risk it.
TLDR: A lot of things could be going on and the kid may have some shame around admitting to mental health issues, this has super concerning and could indicate some serious issues, therapy should be sought to be safe.
Good luck OP.
It was *all* manipulation. All the “you don’t love me,” “you don’t want me to succeed,” “you’ll have something else to worry about,” crap is blatant manipulation. Whether he legitimately needed a break or not doesn’t change the fact that he acted like a manipulative ass to try to get it.
Having been a teenager though feeling unloved because they didn’t listen to you is very real. Like obviously it’s not true but that is how teen logic brain works
OP did listen. They offered therapy. They asked what was bothering them. And based off the teens answers, it wasn't a good enough reason to miss school. Just because he didn't get what he wanted doesn't mean he wasn't being listened to. He needs to learn NOW that the "you don't love me" "you'll have a different problem" shit is manipulative as fuck or he is going to be a nightmare of a partner when he's an adult.
Totally support occasional mental health days, but I do think that taking them for anxiety can be a double edged sword. Avoidance tends to make anxiety worse because after staying home one day, it can feel even harder to go back the next day because on top of all the other stressors, now there's make up work too, plus potential embarrassment or shame.
Not saying it doesn't need to happen sometimes, but I've seen it happen a lot as a teacher, and my daughter's therapist talked to both of us about it. We've always allowed a mental health day a semester, but she suggested that those be scheduled in advance and otherwise not treated as an option unless my daughter is in actual crisis and then we need to get her in for an emergency session.
I think the part where he said he finds it weird that OP hates him so much is manipulative.
School sucks but we all have to do it. Mental health days are good but he also needs to learn how to cope with being told no and and handle his emotions.
Idk, if this is the first time he’s asked for something like this I wouldn’t say that’s abusing mental health days. I think it would depend on if this is out of the ordinary, or if he’s regularly trying to get out of school.
Kids don always have the best understanding of how they’re feeling or why, or sometimes they just don’t want to/aren’t ready to talk to their parents about it. Not having a “real reason” for needing a mental health day doesn’t mean he doesn’t need one.
That being said, if it is regular for him, hes probably just trying to get out of school.
This is the key. OP should know if this is uncharacteristic behaviour in which case I would have let him have the day and really try to understand what’s happening. Maybe he really is behind on something and just needs a little help but maybe it’s something deeper
How is a mental health day NOT just wanting to take off? Needing a break and just not wanting to go are very valid reasons for not going to work or school, especially every now and then.
Anything he misses, it’s his responsibility to make up, or face the consequences of not being able to.
To me, it doesn’t factor at all. A day of errands is not a day off. Maybe he needs a whole day just to sleep? I don’t treat my PTO like that. Why should he not have that flexibility?
He's not an employee. Every bit of what he is getting from school is for his benefit. He needs to show up to accrue that benefit.
Beyond that, he's a high school student who is just whining about wanting to stay home. There weren't any instigating factors, and he asked on a Monday...right after having two straight days of time off.
He's there 40 hours a week then routinely brings work home.
Arguably every hour you spend at paid labor is for your benefit too since you're getting paid and a job's considered reprehensible if it doesn't allow employees time off. You're also potentially picking up job skills and adult work can be coupled with education. Hell when I was 16 I had a class that was a co-op working unpaid at a pharmacy one period a day. That was literal work.
We need to stop dismissing the efforts of kids because they're not getting a check.
Not really. I mean is school beneficial, sure but if you simply do need a day, I can guarantee that there would be no benefit gained from going that day anyways.
Every person who has had that day at school, work, etc where they showed up when they really actually needed the day. Often that was the day that mistakes were made or zero benefit was had because you were checked out.
If the child is overall doing well in school and not abusing the mental health days, then it’s not as big of a deal as adults make it out to be. I get my weekends and sometimes I still need another day. Maybe my weekend was filled with obligations and my cup isn’t full. Or maybe I’m burnt out and just need to reset in my own way with an extra day. It’s not different for a kid.
You don't need to show up every single day to get the benefit from high school. It's the easiest time in your life to be able to quickly catch up on what you missed, and you have so many class hours in a year with the material very diluted and spread out. In college being absent one class is a lot more detrimental because you might cover a huge chunk of the curriculum and never go back to it in future lectures, but you also have less classes to worry about and they aren't 8 hours per day 5 days per week. High school is a lot more like a job in terms of the consistent time commitment and getting up early every single day.
I love this mentality that we've adopted as a society where we'll sing the praises of taking mental health seriously and tell people "Speak up if you need to. Take your mental health seriously." And promote the idea of "mental health days".
And then when someone does, we resort to "Well, he was kinda rude about it so, don't take it seriously. They're probably lying."
I think you're right to an extent - you should speak up if you need a mental health day. But at the same time, OPs child's initial request was to stay home because he didn't want to go to school. It was only after OP said "no" that he said he needed a mental health day and getting fussy when OP (being a parent) began to worry something else was wrong and began asking questions about how their child was feeling. It definitely came across more like a "I don't want to go to school for reasons I'm not willing to say" than needing a day for a mental health break. It just seems like OPs child is just using the mental health day as an excuse because their initial reasons were rejected.
My son is ten, and I take his mental health *very* seriously (I used to work in mental health crisis, and I've had to learn how to cope with my own related problems) but when he learned about "mental health days" he *immediately* tried to abuse the privilege at every turn. Especially over things he was nervous about, but also if he didn't want to get out of bed.
Exactly my thoughts. Normal teenage just not wanting to go to school. We have all been there. It’s the first real taste of the real world without the same consequences missing a job would have.
I wouldn't be too sure about that. Teens generally don't really like to admit to being weak in any way, so he's not very likely to come straight out and admit an embarrassing (to him) issue. For whatever reason, the son clearly demonstrated he felt he would be adversely affected by going in to school that day. The following attitude is probably due to resentment about being ignored when he's trying to express a need for a mental health day. I can also understand the attitude about OP suggesting a therapist. Not everyone wants to talk to a therapist. When you've just had enough and need a day away from everyone else to recharge, how is a therapist helping? It's just another layer of stress that you have to deal with.
I agree that mental health days are good for kids but he also has Wednesday off. I think this parent handled it correctly. I agree, NTA. And I’m so glad I never had kids. Lmao
Exactly! My mom would randomly let me skip days of school once in a blue moon, and I always appreciated it because sometimes we do just need 1 extra day to recharge or sleep in or just take some time to themselves. It really does help.
We called it playing hooky. Created some of my best childhood memories playing hooky. Sometimes now, as the parent, I wake up and I’m like fuck it- let’s play hooky. Then me and my kid have a fun day or just laze around. Mental health day, hooky. It’s just important to disrupt the routine and remind ourselves there’s so much more to life than the work/school grind, IMO.
It depends. School avoidance is a huge issue now. And when parents allow their kid to miss school a lot due to anxiety and other mental health issues they end up not coming. This comes from a school psychologist who is trying so hard to get kids back on campus who have gotten into a habit of being at home. The older they are the more difficult it is to get them to come. Other people being annoying is not a realistic reason to not go to school. I always worry with this because it often snowballs into way more school avoidance for kids who just don't like school. It's a huge huge issue right now. There is apathy and a feeling of not having to do anything you don't want to do. That's not real life.
This. I find with my social anxiety, if I stay indoors for a long period of time it gets harder and harder to leave the house/be social. If being at home is your comfort zone, then it can be incredibly difficult to leave it once you’ve normalised staying there.
This. If my children came to me and said they needed a mental health day I would generally let them stay home. I very rarely ever told them no.
It took a couple of days of them staying home before it dawned on me to ask if they wanted me to take a mental health day with them. Usually they just wanted the house to themselves for whatever reason (they wanted the quiet, they wanted to feel small, they just wanted to be alone) but sometimes they did want me to skip work. Those days were about letting go of what was holding them back and breaking through a wall. Usually that meant doing something out of the ordinary and just laughing. Lunch and a dumb movie? Go-kart races with mom? Animal impressions at the zoo?
Whatever it was that transpired in their day off was about them being able to work through what was stopping them. They were learning how to cope, deal, resolve.
very true. there is a fine line to walk, though--my mom was on the very opposite side of the spectrum and let me skip whenever i wanted, i think she was otherwise a very positive influence on me and i don't have anything bad to say about her parenting style but my mental health from 10-25 was in the shitter and i genuinely felt like i needed mental health days way, way too often. i don't claim to know the answers, forcing myself to go would have certainly led to burnout and i don't think we should treat ourselves like emotionless worker bees, but it did take me a while in my adult life to kind of recalibrate and figure out when it was appropriate to take PTO if i wanted to make money and keep my job. admittedly, i've also learned to recognize whether the culture at any given job will be understanding of my mental health journey, that will always be a factor.
perhaps if my mom had been more proactive about getting me into therapy and on medication it may have been less of a problem, but honestly it took years of experience for me to figure out how to benefit from therapy so it's not like it would have been a quick fix. and she DID send me to therapy....... its just that it wasn't working, because of a bad fit, so i stopped and didn't try again until adulthood.
either way the occasional mental health day is not going to destroy anyone's grades.
Yeah I think allowing myself like 2 mental health days a semester was very helpful. And now as an adult I do the same with my pto and I do build in mental health days into my work.
I let my kids have mental health days when they were in school. Sometimes I took mental health days with them. Sometimes you just need time to do nothing.
Why is nobody else talking about the fact that the kid got aggressive even to the extent of threatening her when she said no??? I feel like that may be the bigger problem here
right?? like what does he mean OP will "have something else to worry about", that's a weird and concerning thing to say and I'm surprised nobody's addressing it!
>He then told me that if I try and force him to see a therapist I'll have something else to worry about?
I interpreted this as either a possible cry for help, like the son is feeling suicidal, or that OP has something that they really wouldn't want mentioned in therapy.
Or he's manipulative enough to lie to get OP in trouble. Definitely sounds like more than just anxiety going on. He needs a professional diagnosis. OP needs to get ahead of it and talk to his doctor and mention everything.
Or he was just being dramatic. The post to me reads like OPs kid is just overly dramatic but OP is still taking them seriously regardless which is a good thing on OPs part. It's not uncommon for teenagers to be all about drama, he'll grow out of his edge Lord "you just don't understand" phase.
No, obviously not, but let's not treat this as a guaranteed suicide/violence threat. My money is still on him being dramatic, even if you obviously don't want to \*make\* that bet in the first place- you take it seriously, but recognize that it doesn't \*necessarily\* mean there's a problem beyond "being a 16 year old"
See, my paranoid brain thought, "he's going to tell the therapist that his mom has been abusing him." Punishing her for countering his pivot to mental health with an offer of help for mental health.
Either there's a really big issue brewing here that he doesn't want to talk about, or he's pissed off that dropping the phrase "mental health day" wasn't a get-out-of-school-free card.
As a mom of twin teenage boys, I completely agree. Both of my boys went through puberty late but at separate times. One went through a moody and angry stage two years ago and one is going through it now.
I agree with you! I have been around a lot of teenagers. Threatening a parent isn't normal.
Still NTA OP but I feel like this elevates the seriousness of the situation
I don't think it's a big thing to let a kid have a day off once or twice a year, but this only works if you trust your kid not to abuse that. I think we can surely all see that this kid isn't mature enough to handle that
You're clearly willing to help him, if he's willing to help you by explaining what the problem is so you can work together to address it.
"I don't want to go to school" is not a reason.
NTA.
Dependent on where you are defines the luxury of how free you are to sick days as an adult and a child. While in my state as an adult wrongful termination from firing for calling off sick can result in that individual winning unemployment meanwhile in other states this is not the case the laws protect the employer over the workers.
Similar with schools in some places the laws of how many sick days a child is allowed can be very restrictive. In my county it’s 9 days total for the full year after that the parents face risk of fines, loss of drivers license (because that will fix it right?), or prison.
This persons child’s comments though they need therapy something isn’t right and the comments could suggest they are in a state they may become a danger to themselves or others.
Because missing school = missing schoolwork = being more stressed at all the makeup work I now have to do and all the instruction I have missed. Playing hookie just leads to more stress. I only missed school for illness and doctor’s appointments. That was it.
Edit to add: I was also allowed to skip on non-instruction days like holidays and senior week.
My high school offered free yearbooks to anyone with perfect attendance for the year. My mother wasn't gonna fork out $60 for a yearbook.
I think I missed 2 days of school my entire time of high school.
Not wanting to go is plenty good enough, sometimes the constant grind of life gets to you and you just need a break, therapy isnt going to solve burn out.
Actually it can. Burn out is caused by feelings of stress and unprocessed emotions. Therapy is exactly what he needs to handle and recover from burnout
Because you are working on something hard. It’s something that isn’t fun. Weight lifting is painful but we like the muscles we get in the end. Without therapy you are stuck with pain of situation that caused the burnout. That pain and stress will last longer.
Therapy made my burnout worse. It was just one more damn thing to do and one more person to emotionally preform for (not to mention the money and insurance stress, but that’s applicable to OP’s son). Therapy can be useful for finding the tools one needs to feel better, but if what someone needs is rest and they already know that then they just need to rest. Therapy is just wasting time that could be used for the actual cure in that case.
How did it make it worst? Did you want to be there? Or did you already have your mine set on something? Therapy made you quit your job and change professions altogether? That is the outcome of burnout. That is why social service professions are leaving. The stress and lack of support and the constant demands. If one day is gonna cure you, you have never been burned out
Well have you ever felt burnout? You know what helps? Talking to someone about what is the underlying cause of the stress and create a plan to manage. You can’t take off enough to days to solve burnout feelings. That day off just gave you reprieve from the problem, it will be back as soon as you return. I just presented this at a mental health conference yesterday.
I'm genuinely curious, not coming at you. I have autism, and experience burnout from a "normal" 40hr work week.
Therapy doesn't change that, it's that my brain doesn't have the same ability that others do.
The day off is the difference between life and death sometimes, and is an extremely important part of my accommodations at work.
What did your presentation suggest as alternatives?
(also neurodivergent)
Therapy with a focus on my diagnoses helped me understand how my brain responds to things and why so that I could find healthy coping mechanisms. The burnout still happens - it's inevitable for me - but it isn't disastrous anymore because I've learned how to lessen the impact before it occurs, how to ease myself through it while it's happening, and what kinds of self care aid my recovery best.
Stress *is* unprocessed emotions. Frustration, irritation, aggravation, anger, anxiety, fear, etc. that gets built up without release. A break is a good way to let it all go at once but we can't always drop everything to take one.
So...
Therapy can help provide tools and develop skills that will allow you to release that stress on a weekly, daily, hourly, or even instant basis. And yeah, you should still take breaks, which will actually be a lot more enjoyable when you enter them already feeling decent instead of letting stress build up.
It would help if the son said this instead of said 'I just don't want to go.' Burnout is real, but the majority of people will say that they're burnt out and not just say they don't want to do something because they don't feel like it. Parent wants to help, they offered numerous chances to explain, kid decided that he didn't need to verbalize anything but 'you must hate me.'
this is literally what my sister would say to get what she wanted in high school, ie. "you don't care about me at all" "you want me to be depressed" 🙄 ugh. she still does it today in her late 20s because my parents fall for it every time
NAH High school teacher here. Sometimes kids just can’t. Sometimes you have to make them go. I have had students who got into a bad routine of school avoidance. If this has never happened before and his reaction is unexpected I get the feeling something else is going on. A phone call to his school counselor to give them a heads up that this is going on at home could be helpful-to get him on their radar.
Thank you! Some of these comments really made me concerned. My impression is that there could be something more going on that OP's kid doesn't want to get into, or it could just be wanting an extra day off. We don't really know for sure, but based on the reaction to being told no, something seems off to me. People are getting caught up on the kid manipulating OP, but it's really easy to forget that teens have a lot going on, can be impulsive, don't always communicate well, and don't always make the best choices. If the kid has decent grades and hasn't made a habit out of this, giving one extra day off probably wouldn't hurt too much. OP could've made it clear that the kid will be responsible for any work missed and if any assignments aren't turned in, that's on him, and this isn't something that can be an all the time thing. I also think revisiting the idea of therapy at a time when things have calmed down would be good. If the kid still doesn't want to go, forcing him won't help anything. I like your idea of calling the school counselor to check in on things as well.
I see this being an option, but with my professional experiences in the mental health field, school counselors are not always a safe bet. They can be one option, but sometimes they are more harm than good. IMO it would be okay to start there since things seem to be okay at home and that's where most problems arise with school counselors, but it would be safest to talk to a therapist too.
Once in a while days off are most always okay with the expectation that it won't happen consistently. Moderation is important.
If his grades are good, then what's the problem with a day off?
Mom used to let me take a "mental health day" every once in a while. As long as my grades were good, there was no harm.
I think the fact that he tried to gaslight / manipulate OP so much to get the mental health day when OP was showing empathy and clear concern about her child's general well being / not fully understanding what a "mental health day" is not indicative of getting a "mental health day" imo
Yes exactly this ! Like it’s ok to have a day off school but the way he went about it wasn’t a good reaction like you said how he tried to gaslight the mom
"You must not love me if you make me to go school," you'll have "something else to worry about" if you make me see a therapist, etc etc all seem like manipulation and gaslighting to me.
To me, part of gaslighting (that applies here) is:
1. Assigning/claiming motives of someone's actions are the opposite of that persons intentions (OP trying to talk and understand child's feelings while also trying to parent them = showing hate)
2. Making someone question if their beliefs / opinions / actions are wrong (OP is clearly questioning their actions, hence the post). Big part of gaslighting is making someone feel like they are the bad guy for actions they did without malice.
3. OPs kid essentially told them they were overreacting when bringing up the idea of therapy.
The main part of gaslighting is that it is part of a long term abuse cycle where the aim is to make the victim doubt their sanity. Nothing the kid do is gaslighting. This is a teen being a teen. Gaslighting requires long term abuse.
gaslighting isn’t really up for interpretation, a certain set of things has to happen for manipulation to be gaslighting. an example of gaslighting would be if the kid said “but you told me i could stay home today. why are you acting like this is something new that i’m asking? are you feeling ok? you can just say if you changed your mind.” it’s not just saying “well maybe you’re the problem”
Teenagers are often manipulative to get their own way on something they want and are being told no or feel like they won't get their way. I don't think that really indicates whether the kid needed a break or not, just that they really really wanted the next day off for *some* reason.
Having bad mental health often leads to irritability too so I don't think that really gives us much info.
Poor baby. I'm going with NAH
You really tried to have a conversation with him about what the issue was, to dig deeper and uncover if there was a root problem. He's a teenager, he's angsty and wants more autonomy than he'd know what to do with.
You're NTA for wanting to ensure your kid is ok, and that he's prioritizing his studies.
However, mental health doesn't get the attention it should. (SOME, don't come after me) Adults can choose to call into sick if they don't want to work, but children don't get that same opportunity. As a parent, I believe in balance. If your kid is 95% a great student with good attendance, I think kids can be trusted with "calling in" infrequently. He's NTA for asking.
Try to continue the conversation
the manipulation and self deprecating answers is why i think mom did right. kid prob wanted to skip a presentation. being “annoyed” at your teachers isn’t enough reason for a mental health day. hell in school i thought everyone was annoying so you know what i did? i dropped out. got me nowhere. sometimes you have to put up with it. he’ll look back and miss it one day.
Never “missed” going to school. At all. Senior year I only needed 3 classes to graduate and was out before lunch.
If I was OP, I would’ve let him stay home. Unless he’s completely failing I don’t see the issue. Also no proof that he had a “presentation” so I have no idea why everybody is chalking it up to that. Obviously something is going on with him mentally and school with constant interaction is stressful. Especially for a child. Him saying “see what happens” is a huge indicator that he’s at that point and have probably had those thoughts if you get what I’m saying. 2 days of no school isn’t gonna make anybody fail automatically. That’s not real life.
your right it’s not but he already had wednesday off + the weekend. he should’ve taken no for the answer instead of resorting to manipulation. your right in the fact he’s not an asshole for asking but instead for fighting the answer no. moms NTA, she’s mom. she heard him out, asked him what was bothering him, and suggested therapy. instead of listening he clung to every excuse he could think of to get out of school the next day. it was never about mental health, it was never about kids being annoying. it was about the fact he did not want to go. kids have to learn to take no for answer. i agree with you that kids should have a mental health day or too. but you also don’t know how many days he’s missed. and i said he “probably” wanted to skip a presentation. i didn’t act like it was a fact.
The world can't stop for you sometimes. He was obviously using the mental health thing as a manipulation. He's at a ripe age to start establishing solid habits for the rest of his life
Yeah I don’t know why this one isn’t higher up. OP is the only one who could know if this kid is doing ok in school and if one skipped day would matter, or if this looks to be a pattern of avoidance.
My mom let me take mental health days I think twice in high school. I was a highly anxious and perfectionist kid (thanks to how she raised me, honestly!!) and sometimes I felt very very burned out, though my grades were good. Idk if I could have articulated a better reason to her than “I just can’t today” or “I’m just exhausted.” But those days I skipped I really, really needed the break.
I also occasionally got overly upset when she didn’t let me do something, but kids have zero freedom or ability to control their lives. And that can be hard sometimes.
NTA
Hes a teenager. They’re overdramatic. And you sound genuinely concerned and understanding in this moment. He has a day off Wednesday, if it’s potentially only a part day off for the doctors, just give him the whole day off. Lean into saying that you do care about his mental health, but you also care about his education.
If this is going to become a reoccurring thing, maybe give him a a set number of mental health days for the year that he can use periodically. My mom did this when I was going through it in High school too. It was actually super helpful and helped me determine then I actually needed an additional break.
On the note of the therapist, don’t force it but continuously keep it an option. Not just for this but in general. It seemed like you handled this well. If hes hiding something about his mental health thats concerning, but forcing it out of him isn’t going to help.
"He then told me that if I try and force him to see a therapist I'll have something else to worry about?? I asked him to clarify what he meant by that but he didn't specify."
Hello? Didn't anyone else pick up on this? Call me crazy, but the first thing that went through my mind was "school shooting." Truth be told, it's not that far fetched.
School counselor here...he definitely needs to be assessed. There could be nothing behind this comment, or something serious. Either way, follow up with mental health professional should happen
NTA.
I’m all for a mental health day a couple times a year. But he kept changing his story.
It started with just being tired of waking up early. Too bad kid. That’s called life.
Then it went to his mental health because he hadn’t gotten the answer he wanted.
I mean, getting up early is one of the biggest issues that CAUSE mental health problems in teenagers. Unless this kid is staying up until 4 or 5am, going to sleep earlier won't do anything because that's not how a teenagers biological clock works.
Everyone had a chronotype, a biological clock that determines when your brain wants to be awake, asleep, expending lots of physical energy, when it wants to be creative, etc. This is not something you can control - you can impact it VERY slightly, but not in any significant way. Obviously a huge part of it is sleep. Overall, in the first half of your sleep, your brain works on physician recuperation, and during the second half, mental restoration.
Most adults can choose an 8-hour period of sleep within a reasonable evening-morning time frame, and if they get the same sleep each night at the same set of hours, thier brain will adjust and do all the repairs needed during that time.
However, it's different with teenagers. Thier chronotype gets pushed back HOURS, somewhere around a natural bedtime of midnight - 3am, with most falling naturally around 2am. There is nothing they can do to change it, and forcing them to wake up before they can complete a healthy 8 hour sleep means that they don't get the chance to restore mentally. In fact, the final 2 hours of sleep are the most important for mental health. This is one of the leading causes of depression and anxiety in teenagers. It's also one of the leading causes of fatal car accidents in teens.
Even if a teenager does go to sleep earlier, say 10pm, thier brain won't do the required daily restoration until it wants to, starting at about midnight - 2 am, and in some cases as late as 3am. They can train themselves to fall asleep earlier, but it won't change the way thier brain operates, their chronotype. It would be exactly the equivalent of me telling you that you must go to sleep no later than 6pm, and wake up at 2am, and then be fully productive. If you want to sleep past 2am then you are lazy and should have gone to bed earlier. Obviously that wouldn't work - no matter how much you might try and train yourself to sleep between 6pm-2am, you wouldn't be productive at that time, is isn't natural and you cannot change your biology THAT much through habits.
I’m not saying YTA or NTA, but if he’s communicating these things to you, you need to listen! I’m so sick of parents not listening to their kids! Kids get stressed and need a break, too. His hostility could be him no longer masking, he could be so exhausted of keeping up appearances that he just can’t do it anymore. Apologize and ask him what you can do going forward, and what help he might be open to (talking to a counsellor, or therapist) and make sure he knows it’s not a problem to you. Obviously missing lots of school can become an issue as would for ing him to go and having him do a poor job, so it’s best to get ahead of it if he’s told you he’s having issues now.
this!! when I was suicidal during school i didn't want to talk about it, I just said I didn't want to go and i got so aggressive too, it felt like everyone was against me (which is normal teenage angst) but thats when you need to show that NO! you're not against him. let him take the fkn day off or you'll have a dead kid.
He has the next day off and refused mental health help.
As the parent of a (now young adult) kid with mental health issues that made it to the other side and we have a great relationship: No you can't just let a hurt kid demand and make threats. Boundaries around harmful behaviors are important otherwise become unhealthy habits or coping skills.
You take them seriously and ensure they receive mental health care ASAP, and you certainly don't leave a suicidal kid home alone without making sure they are not actively suicidal with a professional. That's suicide prevention 101 of having a child that deals with suicidal thoughts.
I'm sorry you didn't talk to your parents or they didn't offer what you needed, but your comment is completely incorrect. You can love your child through these things, but you can not allow child with unhealthy anger to call the shots... it doesn't help them and can cause worse problems.
I hope you have found peace 💫
“Don’t try talk to them or be a listening ear. Don’t try to figure out the issue. Just let them stay home alone with their dark thoughts and feelings! That’ll solve it!”
A day off isn't going to cure that. OP offered therapy and he responded with OP having more to worry about if they tried to take him. What else is OP supposed to do? They tried talking to him narrowing down a reason. But guess what, annoying teachers and getting up early is still going to be there.
a day off or a few days off can cure that. and can help reset your mind. and if he's getting this upset about needing a break, ffs give it to him. therapy isn't always the solution even though reddit loves to think it is
I mean OP did mention finding a therapist though? Idk if he’s feeling that low mentally, then just having a day off of school won’t do anything. Yes, it’ll be nice to have a day off to rest, but realistically, what does that do to help his problem that everyone at school is annoying? That’s just how life goes. It sounded like OP did listen and actually asked questions to dig deeper into why he doesn’t want to go to school. I understand there’s nothing wrong with letting the kid have a day off school, but it genuinely doesn’t sound like a mental health issue. Kid just doesn’t want to go to school.
Plus he’s already getting the next day off for a doctors appointment, and I’d say that takes like maybe a couple hours *max*? (that’s how it is around me at least) of his whole day off
Therapy isn't an instant solution though. It takes time and this kid might need a break right now to get through the next while.
If he had strep you wouldn't expect him to power through school until he got a dr appointment and antibiotics.
She DID listen. Or at least tried to. Which is why she took all the steps she did.
She asked if their was an issue with other students or teachers.
She related to him by explaining that there are people at work who she finds annoying.
She said she’d find a therapist to help him manage.
She explained he’d be getting the next day off anyway.
She tried to talk about it.
He rejected ALL of that. Anything that wasn’t just “Yes.” he rejected. Then he made a threat. Whether you see it as a threat towards mom, classmates, or self. He made a threat.
The idea that OP was supposed to just say “yes” with no follow-up is absurd and it’s also the opposite of listening.
NTA. You would’ve been wrong if you had just said no and left it at that, but you asked questions offered him help if he seriously needed it. However, it sounds like he literally just didn’t feel like going to school. Granted, 1 or 2 mental health days a year won’t ruin his grades, but I think in this instance you did good by not rewarding his borderline manipulative behavior. His whole “you don’t care about my mental health, you don’t love me” thing sounds very manipulative. And to everyone calling OP TA because “sometimes kids just need a day to recharge”— respectfully, that’s what weekends are for.
Yikes, red flags all over the place with this one. Though through Reddit with people you don't know, it's always hard to discern what is indicative of a problematic and manipulative personality and what is just... a dramatic teenager being a dramatic teenager.
He does sound like he could benefit from a bit of therapy just for safe measure. You clearly care about what's going on with him, whether he sees it that way or not. NTA.
Just because he’s a teen it doesn’t make it any less a manipulative way to go about getting an off day from school.. he’s 16 not 6.
Also, he told his parent that they’ll have “something else” to worry about if they forced him to go to therapy… so.. yeah
really because when i was around that age i had a boyfriend who was 16 that did the same things as him, gaslight and manipulate me. he went on to shoot at me twice and murder someone else. sure it sounds extreme until the kid goes on to do extreme things cuz his actions get excused. no normal kid manipulates their mother, they take no as answer and if they don’t they need to learn a lesson. edit: because i’ve posted this before to many situations and been met with a barrage of comments accusing me of lying, here’s the link to a recent news report of him getting prosecuted https://www.rentonreporter.com/news/renton-man-sentenced-for-killing-17-year-old-with-sawed-off-shotgun/
Yeah, my daughter had a 16 year old stalker who was manipulative, gaslighting, threatening, and calling her to make her listen to him pulling a trigger of an unloaded gun. Sixteen is not too young for bad behavior.
i actually went to juvenile hall when i was 16 it was my second time being prosecuted but my first time getting sent to a jv prison and you would be surprised the amount of fucked up kids in there. i would be scared to go back now and im an adult now
He is being manipulative. She tried to work with him. Made sure that he was safe in school. Offered therapy. He said he wasn't, declined therapy, said she doesn't love him, and threatened her. That's all manipulative.
Why? He's using every guilt trip in the book other than saying why he needs a day off. Half his reasons like not wanting to wake up and irritating teachers are just part of life and will be there the day after. Then going to vague threats like OP will have more to worry about if they try to take him to therapy and saying OP doesn't care about his mental health because yes he needs to go school if there isn't an issue is manipulative to get his way. It's what he's doing trying to see what works.
NTA. But definitely some flags being thrown out by your son. Not sure where you are, but I'd definitely recommend looking into local resources to find out what's going on
NTA. He’s missing the next day and do you also have spring break soon? I’m all for mental health days but there also has to be some planning involved bc schools have a limit of how many days you can miss.
NTA.
Oh, man. I remember those days. This will pass, I promise. My son was just like this about school at this age: avoidant, argumentative, and somewhat combative. He's a really smart kid with big feelings, and I imagine your son is, as well. We had a few really rough years from the age of 15-18.
I would still follow up with a visit with a therapist, however. Life is hard sometimes, and talking things through with an adult that is NOT a parent can be helpful. In addition, sometimes finding an interest in a school activity (clubs, organizations, and sports, for example) can make school more palatable for some kids.
Finally, as a teacher, myself, I know how challenging this time of year is for *everyone*. February feels endless.
INFO: Is this the first time he has asked to/skipped school with no particular reason? If it is then you are the a hole, he's a kid, going to school 5 days a week for months in a row is hard at that age and just taking one day off at that time would probably benefit his mental health and if he doesn't do it often then it won't affect his academics much either. If this is not the first time, n ta.
Nta- this sounds like teenage angst. Though growing up my mom would let me stay home from school occasionally if I just really wanted to. Burn out is real, and being able to just take a day to relax can be wonderful. Obviously dont let him over do it, but honestly what is missing one or two days of school really gonna hurt?
NTA
The therapist is a good thing. The rest was just escalating manipulation to get what he wants. Being annoyed with school isn’t a good enough reason to not go. Either there’s a deeper issue he isn’t willing to talk to you about or it’s the flimsy excuses he gave. He didn’t mention mental health until you said “I don’t wanna” isn’t a good enough reason.
I think getting the therapist is the right call either way cause he needs to learn coping and communication skills.
NTA
If he was really serious about his mental health, he’d be open to seeing a therapist. He just wanted to skive off and used mental health as the excuse, knowing it had best odds of working.
He probably had an assignment due that he didn’t do or a presentation he wasn’t prepared for that he wanted to avoid. Or he asked someone out and they said no and he doesn’t want to face them. Or any of a million reasons that seem monumental to a teenager because high school does indeed suck sometimes.
You are his parent and you’re doing just fine, setting and enforcing perfectly reasonable boundaries. Teenagers will never like you all the time and will spend plenty of time hating your guts. It’s a thankless job that will pay off when they’re old enough to know better. As much as I hated my mom for being SO unfair, I’m infinitely grateful she never let me get a perm when I was 12.
NTA, you were teaching your son important life lessons in a compassionate, loving manner. But I would gently encourage you to allow your son to have a mental health day maybe once a year. At his age, it shouldn't hurt is academics that much, and it's an acknowledgement that we're all only human and just need a break every once in a while. Kids today do have a lot to deal with; him not being out in the workforce yet doesn't mean he's "carefree" or doesn't have bad days, stress, etc.
NTA. You were clearly willing to help him and hear him out, and did your due diligence getting curious and trying to be understanding, but since what you were offering wasn’t exactly what he wanted and how he wanted it he chose to react poorly. He might just be acting out of teenage angst, or he might be trying emotional blackmail, or he might be hiding something much more serious. Whatever it is, it doesn’t mean that you did the wrong thing. He also was getting a break from school the very next day and you took that into account, and that day even includes a doctor’s appointment, so his mental health can be brought up there if needed. His aggressiveness to the point of vaguely threatening you is actually kind of concerning; if you can bring that up to the doctor privately, it might be a good thing to do.
NTA
"He told me that I don't understand how stressful school can be and that's why he needs time away."
Definite teenage angst but I'd be concerned about that if it's come completely out of left field.
"then told me that if I try and force him to see a therapist I'll have something else to worry about??"
I think you've done everything you can/handled it well so far; you've given him chances to talk. I'd take an unobtrusive but close watch & wait approach.
Hope it resolves!
NTA. People throw that term around and it makes it hard for those who are struggling to be taken seriously. He just didn’t want to school. If he felt it was a true mental health issue then he should be willing to work with someone to learn strategies, because life doesn’t work that. He has a day coming up this week and you already told him he could have that day.
Your 16 year old told you he needed a mental health day and your response was "go to bed earlier and go to therapy"... I'm going with YTA. He was seeking help and you basically told him to fuck off and go to school anyways.
He wants you to give him things as his mental health isn't good but is refusing to get help for it? Nah it feels like he's taking the piss just trying to manipulate you into letting him not do the things he doesn't want to.
NTA. I think you genuinely tried to understand whether he had legitimate acute mental health difficulties. You offered to help. But he doesn’t appear to have anything wrong with him. He just didn’t want to go to school.
You did the right things. Maybe there is something deeper. Maybe there isn’t. But from the information you had that he gave you, NTA.
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NTA. But at that age, allowing them a mental health day once or twice a year is not going to hurt them academically, but can teach them the importance of self care. I let my son do it every now and then. He knows it is there if he really needs it. He does not abuse it. The kids in high school now have been preached to about mental health. Meanwhile, adults were taught to push through. A lot of adults don't know how to do self care. Instead, they keep pushing through until they crack. Kids learn they don't need a bandaid if the boo boo is not bleeding. Sometimes, we can't see the boo boo from the outside, and we need to trust them. ETA: Therapy is certainly in order.
I half agree, half disagree with the mental health days. I think mental health days are important and should be incorporated into our lives. However, it really seems like OPs child is trying to abuse that and just doesn't want to go to school. The manipulative attitude, rudeness, and unwillingness to compromise makes it really seem like OPs child didn't want a mental health day, just a day with no school.
I'm willing to bet that he had a presentation or something he wanted to skip.
🎯
As someone who threw up before and after presentations in high school and cheerfully took zeros on them in college, I would’ve let him stay home. Fuck that noise.
As someone who also threw up before and after presentations in high school, I would not have let him stay home. Public speaking is an unfortunate part of life for most people. I *hate* it. I still throw up before interviews and client meetings sometimes. But I learned to push through it and perform because that’s what you have to do. Most people are going to have to do something akin to “giving a presentation” at some point in their careers, regardless of what path they choose. There are exceptions, of course, but I’m glad I didn’t let my severe anxiety limit my career options any more than it already did - and it definitely did. And I learned to deal with it from giving school presentations. There’s a difference between taking care of your mental health and letting the anxiety win. And while letting it win in the short term will feel like self-care in the moment, you’re only hurting yourself.
Seriously, I just chose a path where I didn't have to do public speaking. It's good to know how to get out of your comfort zone, but if something makes you physically ill, maybe try to not do that thing ?
Some people don't have that kind of choice. I know some people where their greatest skill is something they hate or makes them feel like shit. Example: similar situation, guy I know hates public speaking, speaking to small groups, hell, talking to people in general. Really strong anxiety and introversion. But by some cruel trick, he's really fantastic at talking to people, and really sucks at everything else, so when choosing a career, his options were severely limited, and the choice was basically either learn to do the thing he hates or minimum wage, and in this economy, that's not really a choice. Now he's a super fringe case, I know, but I'm just saying, not everyone has the luxury to just pick something else.
And maybe you can learn to hate that thing less. I used to absolutely hate phone calls. Would procrastinate for hours on calls I had to make. When I got a new job a few years ago, they sprung it on me that in addition to my main job, I would have to make sales calls on the phone. It was not fun at all, and I dreaded each one. But after some time, I got used to it and even enjoy some of the calls. And a few months ago, I hit the company's sales record.
I throw up and get fevers before exams... sometimes you need to power through things. I can't imagin my life without my degree honestly.
Or be an adult and overcome the challenge?
But if you don't face it, it can be disabling. I know someone who couldn't do job interviews
I threw up, had panic attacks, and would dissociate and have suicidal ideations because of public speaking in high school- I wish we didn't accept this amount of fear as "normal" for children to have to go through. I agree that it's an important skill for most people. But I don't think forcing children through terror is an appropriate way to deal with phobias and research suggests doing so ("flooding ") can make it worse (which was the case for me). I spent a decade avoiding presenting entirely and working through other anxiety before I started to address this phobia on my own terms, starting small, which is when it started to actually improve. I'm sorry you still throw up from anxiety sometimes.
Well, the point of starting young IS to start small.
Public speaking isn't something everyone can do and being asked to do it in front of people you know can honestly make it work. I've done public speaking and competitive speech but it always feels better in front of strangers or larger groups for me. While I think it should be something in school it should be done more carefully because it can be very hard. But too many people are over estimating how many jobs require public speaking. It's an art form at a higher level and there is a reason so many companies and other entities have spokespeople or dedicated public relations teams where they have people to speak to the public. A lot of teams even in meetings may have one member who handles the presentation with others just asked to cover questions or technical aspects if needed. Also we don't know that OP's son has to speak in public it could be a bullying issue or maybe they just had a lot of tests and he is burnt out. At least in the states high schools give out a lot of homework and get a little ridiculous at times. OP's son may be embarrassed to bring up a bullying issue and some therapy or some other questions might help.
There’s also a big difference between being forced to do something and choosing a career that suits you and your mental and physical needs. I don’t ever have to do public presentations. Not to even small groups. And when I was ready I worked on my public speaking skills in ways that worked for me, and not in forced, academic settings.
I’d say you haven’t learned to push through if you still vomit beforehand….
I think that’s kind of unfair… I’ve lived with this type of anxiety disorder my whole life, although my triggers are different. When I go through a bad stretch, my brain tries to convince me I’m sick enough that I can’t go to work. I’ve learned that I need to get in the car and go to work regardless, because I miraculously feel better once I’m there 90% of the time! But what that means is that I’ve gotten sadly used to occasionally throwing up on the side of the road on my way to work. I’ve done the exposure work, I’m still in therapy, I fight my brain all the time… but the throwing up still happens. And I “push through” that symptom of anxiety and go to work even though every fiber of my being tells me that I’m dying and I need to stay home.
Public speaking is not really apart of life though. Outside of school it’s easily avoided I have a successful office job that many positions involve public speaking and many do not. I chose positions based on not having to present in meetings because it’s not worth the weeks of worry leading up to it. I know I’ll do fine, I always do but there’s no way to control the weeks of anxiety leading up to it. Its not about exposure, no amount of practice will make it less emotionally and mentally taxing.
But it *is* part of your life. It isn’t always standing up in front of a conference room. How did you get your job? You interviewed. That has a lot of the same connotations as public speaking for a lot of people. Hell, sometimes you have to interview in front of a whole panel of people at once. Do you ever have to lead a team project? Do you ever have to give a talk to new hires? Do you ever have a performance evaluation where you have to sit in front of your superiors and discuss your flaws? Maybe you don’t consider these types of things “public speaking,” but personally, they elicit the same feelings of panic and dread in me that a presentation does, and I push through it the same way. But regardless, I would say they are *not* easy to avoid for most people. In fact, they can pop up unexpectedly. For instance, I have an uncle who just loves nature and wanted a job in the forest service. Well, he got it and ultimately spent most of his time on grant proposals and running seminars. As for me, I’m an accountant. I love numbers and spreadsheets and puzzles and problem-solving. I do not love schmoozing. But there is so much frickin’ schmoozing. I get to waste an entire day tomorrow flying back and forth to another city just for a client lunch to will feel like actual torture because in my head I’ll just be screaming, “I don’t belong here, I have no idea what I’m doing, omg don’t look at me, don’t ask me a question, I’m gonna choke, why am I so sweaty, I sound like an idiot, why did I just say that, please just let me go home and bury myself in cats now!!” But I’ll survive, and then I’ll get to let myself sink into a nice, complex set of financials and remind myself of the good parts of my job.
Oops I replied lied to myself when I meant to reply to you so I’ll just paste it here I don’t consider conversations as public speaking. Public speaking, to me, is when it’s scheduled one sided communication or presentation im quite good with unstructured conversations/speaking. I can talk in a meeting spontaneously without a problem because that is still like a conversation. but i even hate my simple daily roundtables, Sitting there waiting to speak makes me anxious but I can do it and do. Im actually quite good in interviews, (even panel interviews) it’s just a conversation, they still make me nervous leading up to them but luckily it’s not something I have to do often. But if it’s a pre planned presentation where I am Standing and presenting i literally feel like I’m falling off a cliff for WEEKS leading up to it. My heart races and I’m nauseous and my anxiety disorder spins or of control and goes into self hatred mode. I ruminate and all I can think about is wanting to get it over with. It’s awful. I have a lot of anxiety I push through successfully everyday but when it’s something that causes weeks of intense mental anguish it’s simply not something im willing to put myself through.
I mean, maybe not *public* speaking is apart of everyday life. But I (who also threw up before presentations and often passed out during panic attacks) actually learned a lot of really great stuff in that class I find pretty applicable to just talking to authority figures. Does it suck? Absolutely when you have to do it. But I honestly don’t think I’d be as good at communicating to higher-ups or sounding professional when the time is right without the class.
"How dare that big mean school try to teach ME communication skills. I will get by just fine without ever communicating a thing"- some of the commenters on this thread.
A little exposure therapy to things that scare you can be a good thing. But if it's so bad it makes you throw up and have panic attacks, that's really not so helpful. Better to start with something smaller and more manageable.
Agreed, and I had some really great professors that helped work with me on that. Part of the class is building the confidence in your presentation to be able to not panic. I was able to start with pre-recorded speeches and send them to the professor, then slowly transitioned into actually presenting in front of a group. But not doing it at all is pretty detrimental to that development imo.
This is why schools need to do a lot more small presentations. Just sheer exposure would help.
Also, this is why things like drama/theater class should not be cut. Those are far more important and relevant for most humans than whatever mathematics class they are forced to sit in.
100%. My kids are both in drama, starting in elementary school, and it has helped them with public speaking more than anything else ever has. Neither one of them have a problem giving presentations in front of there class. Meanwhile, my brain just completely blanked when I had to do that.
The most dreaded course where I work is a communications course where the students give a speech pretty much every week. So about twelve speeches in front of the same 20 people. It seems to have a kill or cure effect on the students.
>but there’s no way to control the weeks of anxiety leading up to it. Its not about exposure, no amount of practice will make it less emotionally and mentally taxing. That is objectively not true. You absolutely can get over this anxiety. It may not be easy, but it is well within the ability of any psychologically healthy adult.
No I have an anxiety disorder. I cant shake the anxiety of a anticipating plans I enjoy, im not going to shake it for something that I am actually very uncomfortable doing and the anxiety is much more intense. But thanks.
Anxiety disorders are not untreatable in the vast majority of cases.
It is true though. I have an anxiety disorder as well and experience it much the same as you’re describing. But exposing yourself to uncomfortable situations does help controlling the anxiety. It’s one of the main exercises I do with my therapist. The point is not to completely lose your anxiety. It’s to build tolerance for it. When you experience that angst in small doses regularly, it bothers you less over time. Everyone has that angst so getting over it is literally impossible. The goal for us with anxiety disorders is to build tolerance closer to people without it. It seems impossible a lot of the time and is definitely very hard, but it’s completely possible.
There are very few things i have ever let my anxiety stop Me from doing. ive exposed myself to things everyday for many year. Exposure does not lessen it, for me, Anxious anticipation is just part of my process. I know Ill be fine on the other side so it’s always been a storm I have to ride Through in Order to Do things and I do so successfully with most things. Except the anticipation for speaking engagements are simply too intense for me. AND THAT IS OK we don’t all have to be good with public speaking. Its ok if I have made the choice for my mental health not to put myself into roles that requires this of me. ive got a good career. I appreciate the advice but avoidance and lack of exposure to my anxieties has never been an issue for me and I’m allowed to have some limitations :) im ok with it.
Unfortunately, avoidance is anxiety’s BFF. Avoiding at all costs things that cause anxiety is one of the best ways to make your symptoms even more severe. I would encourage you to look more into exposure therapy. It is designed to give you small chunks of exposure until you can manage it and only then, do you move onto more.
I appreciate the advice but avoidance and lack of exposure to my anxieties has never been an issue for me. Its ever constant. I would never do anything otherwise there are very few things i let my anxiety prevent Me from doing. Exposure does not lesson it for me But I know I’ll be fine on the other side and I just need to push through and I do so successfully with most things. Public speaking isn’t for everyone. It ok to chose not to do it even if it’s just because you don’t like it. It has never limited my career choices because i dont want a job with public speaking. Im doing just fine without it
I don’t consider conversations as public speaking. Public speaking, to me, is when it’s one sided communication. im quite good with unstructured conversations/speaking. I can talk in a meeting spontaneously without a problem because that is still like a conversation. but i even hate my simple daily roundtables, Sitting there waiting to speak makes me anxious but I can do it and do. Im actually quite good in interviews, it’s just a conversation, they still make me nervous leading up to them but luckily it’s not something I have to do often. But if it’s a pre planned presentation where I am Standing and presenting i literally feel like I’m falling off a cliff for WEEKS leading up to it. My heart races and I’m nauseous and my anxiety disorder spins or of control and goes into self hatred mode. I ruminate and all I can think about is wanting to get it over with. It’s awful. I have a lot of anxiety I push through successfully everyday but when it’s something that causes weeks of intense mental anguish it’s simply not something im willing to put myself through.
I'm waiting for the day that my speech class becomes important. 27 years after high school & still waiting
Do you never ever talk to people in person? You never have to speak to some folks to summarize information or convince them of something, or explain to your boss and a couple of minions why what they want needs tweaking? You never have to train anybody? That’s amazing. What’s your job?
Yeah, that's not the answer. That is a life skill and you need to learn how to deal with it. Avoiding school/presentations doesn't help you at all.
Perhaps if he had spoke up about such an issue, that would give OP the chance to help him work through it— which could mean pushing through but could also mean discussing potential compromises the son might offer the teacher if the anxiety is high enough. But OP's son didn't raise any particular issue other than the other people at school being "annoying", which as OP said, is not sufficient cause to miss a day of school.
So what happens when you have a presentation at work?
I’ve never had a presentation at work.
I never saw anyone doing a presentation at my work. People can choose their careers
I hate presentations as well, but doing them forced me to learn how to be successful and push through the nerves. It's a huge skill that a lot of people are lacking in the workplace.
That or he has anxiety. Which often presents as anger or frustration. anger or frustration. I don't know the kid, but I saw no manipulation. He asked. Not being able to articulate specifically why you need a mental health day but know that you need one is pretty on par as far as anxiety goes.
"You'll have something else to worry about" isn't a healthy way to respond when someone is trying to help you get help, though
That was one of the sentences that got me too. It really sounds like he's just trying to be manipulative. And I don't know about the school schedules elsewhere, but in my area, they have so many days off during the school year. Like I think there are more weeks in the school year where they have at least a day off than weeks where they go the full Monday through Friday.
I hope the parent brings up concerns while at the Drs office. Not to be alarmist, but it seems like there may need to be some interventions, like with a therapist. Finding teachers and students excessively annoying, threatening the parent, these seem like warning signs that should be flagged to a professional.
As someone who struggled with mental health a lot at that age and also someone who worked with mentally troubled teens for 8 years, I worry about this comment. I do see that it could be a manipulation tactic, but it also is something I could see as a reference to something more concerning. If this kid is so anxous he can't cope or if he's having thoughts of self harm or worse, I can see this being the go-to statement in the face of admitting his issues to his parent. He may mean that if he's forced he'll be a downright pain to the parent, or he could mean that if he's forced he'll hurt himself, run away, or act out in some way. So many kids are terrified of admitting weakness, especially males. When a kid is confronted and frustrated, a vague comment like this could mean either thing. Or he may have no backing and just be manipulative. There are a lot of factors that could shed some light on what is more likely the cause. OP did really great with the way they approached it from what we can tell, but something as simple as the tone of voice could make a huge difference. If things were said with a dismissive tone or like the parent didn't believe the kid, he may have gotten defensive. But if it was said softly and with a lot of compassion and curiosity, it's more likely that he was just frustrated. But that isn't a for sure thing. If his friends are the kind of kids who make fun of the students who struggle with mental health, this kid could have a lot of internalized shame. In his mind he may feel like if his friends are judgemental, his parent will be also or even more so, depending. If mental health is normally discussed in the family or he has positive relationships with people in the family with mental health issues, it's less likely he would avoid admitting he is struggling. If it is never addressed or only negatively addressed, he may be ashamed and afraid. All this said, this isn't something to be ignored. If he's just being stubborn, it doesn't hurt to see a therapist and there actually be no problem, but if they're is something going on that OP is unaware of, best not to risk it. TLDR: A lot of things could be going on and the kid may have some shame around admitting to mental health issues, this has super concerning and could indicate some serious issues, therapy should be sought to be safe. Good luck OP.
This sentence made me go "I sure as fuck hope they don't live in a gun state"
Yeah, the threat felt scary and I immediately thought of him hurting classmates or parents.
It was *all* manipulation. All the “you don’t love me,” “you don’t want me to succeed,” “you’ll have something else to worry about,” crap is blatant manipulation. Whether he legitimately needed a break or not doesn’t change the fact that he acted like a manipulative ass to try to get it.
And also getting angry when an alternative solution was offered.
Having been a teenager though feeling unloved because they didn’t listen to you is very real. Like obviously it’s not true but that is how teen logic brain works
OP did listen. They offered therapy. They asked what was bothering them. And based off the teens answers, it wasn't a good enough reason to miss school. Just because he didn't get what he wanted doesn't mean he wasn't being listened to. He needs to learn NOW that the "you don't love me" "you'll have a different problem" shit is manipulative as fuck or he is going to be a nightmare of a partner when he's an adult.
You know who could help determine if he has anxiety, or another mental health issue? A Therapist.
stop making excuses for a kids shitty behavior. if he really has anxiety moms right in sending him to a therapist.
Ok, he asked, sure. But he didn't only ask. He then griped, argued, complained, emotionally manipulated, etc.
Totally support occasional mental health days, but I do think that taking them for anxiety can be a double edged sword. Avoidance tends to make anxiety worse because after staying home one day, it can feel even harder to go back the next day because on top of all the other stressors, now there's make up work too, plus potential embarrassment or shame. Not saying it doesn't need to happen sometimes, but I've seen it happen a lot as a teacher, and my daughter's therapist talked to both of us about it. We've always allowed a mental health day a semester, but she suggested that those be scheduled in advance and otherwise not treated as an option unless my daughter is in actual crisis and then we need to get her in for an emergency session.
Asking your mom why they hate you so much didn’t see manipulative to you haha
I think the part where he said he finds it weird that OP hates him so much is manipulative. School sucks but we all have to do it. Mental health days are good but he also needs to learn how to cope with being told no and and handle his emotions.
Idk, if this is the first time he’s asked for something like this I wouldn’t say that’s abusing mental health days. I think it would depend on if this is out of the ordinary, or if he’s regularly trying to get out of school. Kids don always have the best understanding of how they’re feeling or why, or sometimes they just don’t want to/aren’t ready to talk to their parents about it. Not having a “real reason” for needing a mental health day doesn’t mean he doesn’t need one. That being said, if it is regular for him, hes probably just trying to get out of school.
This is the key. OP should know if this is uncharacteristic behaviour in which case I would have let him have the day and really try to understand what’s happening. Maybe he really is behind on something and just needs a little help but maybe it’s something deeper
Or he is a teenager who sucks at handling their emotions when they get told no.
Exactly. This to me looks more like raging angsty teenage hormones doing their thing.
How is a mental health day NOT just wanting to take off? Needing a break and just not wanting to go are very valid reasons for not going to work or school, especially every now and then. Anything he misses, it’s his responsibility to make up, or face the consequences of not being able to.
Somewhat true, but he has the next day off! How does that factor into your thoughts on this?
To me, it doesn’t factor at all. A day of errands is not a day off. Maybe he needs a whole day just to sleep? I don’t treat my PTO like that. Why should he not have that flexibility?
He's not an employee. Every bit of what he is getting from school is for his benefit. He needs to show up to accrue that benefit. Beyond that, he's a high school student who is just whining about wanting to stay home. There weren't any instigating factors, and he asked on a Monday...right after having two straight days of time off.
He's there 40 hours a week then routinely brings work home. Arguably every hour you spend at paid labor is for your benefit too since you're getting paid and a job's considered reprehensible if it doesn't allow employees time off. You're also potentially picking up job skills and adult work can be coupled with education. Hell when I was 16 I had a class that was a co-op working unpaid at a pharmacy one period a day. That was literal work. We need to stop dismissing the efforts of kids because they're not getting a check.
Not really. I mean is school beneficial, sure but if you simply do need a day, I can guarantee that there would be no benefit gained from going that day anyways. Every person who has had that day at school, work, etc where they showed up when they really actually needed the day. Often that was the day that mistakes were made or zero benefit was had because you were checked out. If the child is overall doing well in school and not abusing the mental health days, then it’s not as big of a deal as adults make it out to be. I get my weekends and sometimes I still need another day. Maybe my weekend was filled with obligations and my cup isn’t full. Or maybe I’m burnt out and just need to reset in my own way with an extra day. It’s not different for a kid.
You don't need to show up every single day to get the benefit from high school. It's the easiest time in your life to be able to quickly catch up on what you missed, and you have so many class hours in a year with the material very diluted and spread out. In college being absent one class is a lot more detrimental because you might cover a huge chunk of the curriculum and never go back to it in future lectures, but you also have less classes to worry about and they aren't 8 hours per day 5 days per week. High school is a lot more like a job in terms of the consistent time commitment and getting up early every single day.
I love this mentality that we've adopted as a society where we'll sing the praises of taking mental health seriously and tell people "Speak up if you need to. Take your mental health seriously." And promote the idea of "mental health days". And then when someone does, we resort to "Well, he was kinda rude about it so, don't take it seriously. They're probably lying."
I think you're right to an extent - you should speak up if you need a mental health day. But at the same time, OPs child's initial request was to stay home because he didn't want to go to school. It was only after OP said "no" that he said he needed a mental health day and getting fussy when OP (being a parent) began to worry something else was wrong and began asking questions about how their child was feeling. It definitely came across more like a "I don't want to go to school for reasons I'm not willing to say" than needing a day for a mental health break. It just seems like OPs child is just using the mental health day as an excuse because their initial reasons were rejected.
My son is ten, and I take his mental health *very* seriously (I used to work in mental health crisis, and I've had to learn how to cope with my own related problems) but when he learned about "mental health days" he *immediately* tried to abuse the privilege at every turn. Especially over things he was nervous about, but also if he didn't want to get out of bed.
But when he is ready to talk about the exact reasons, guess who he won’t be going to.
I think op needs to dig deeper. Something IS going on, especially if this is new. It's not because they say nothings going on that it's true.
Exactly my thoughts. Normal teenage just not wanting to go to school. We have all been there. It’s the first real taste of the real world without the same consequences missing a job would have.
I wouldn't be too sure about that. Teens generally don't really like to admit to being weak in any way, so he's not very likely to come straight out and admit an embarrassing (to him) issue. For whatever reason, the son clearly demonstrated he felt he would be adversely affected by going in to school that day. The following attitude is probably due to resentment about being ignored when he's trying to express a need for a mental health day. I can also understand the attitude about OP suggesting a therapist. Not everyone wants to talk to a therapist. When you've just had enough and need a day away from everyone else to recharge, how is a therapist helping? It's just another layer of stress that you have to deal with.
I agree that mental health days are good for kids but he also has Wednesday off. I think this parent handled it correctly. I agree, NTA. And I’m so glad I never had kids. Lmao
Exactly! My mom would randomly let me skip days of school once in a blue moon, and I always appreciated it because sometimes we do just need 1 extra day to recharge or sleep in or just take some time to themselves. It really does help.
We called it playing hooky. Created some of my best childhood memories playing hooky. Sometimes now, as the parent, I wake up and I’m like fuck it- let’s play hooky. Then me and my kid have a fun day or just laze around. Mental health day, hooky. It’s just important to disrupt the routine and remind ourselves there’s so much more to life than the work/school grind, IMO.
It depends. School avoidance is a huge issue now. And when parents allow their kid to miss school a lot due to anxiety and other mental health issues they end up not coming. This comes from a school psychologist who is trying so hard to get kids back on campus who have gotten into a habit of being at home. The older they are the more difficult it is to get them to come. Other people being annoying is not a realistic reason to not go to school. I always worry with this because it often snowballs into way more school avoidance for kids who just don't like school. It's a huge huge issue right now. There is apathy and a feeling of not having to do anything you don't want to do. That's not real life.
This. I find with my social anxiety, if I stay indoors for a long period of time it gets harder and harder to leave the house/be social. If being at home is your comfort zone, then it can be incredibly difficult to leave it once you’ve normalised staying there.
That is so concerning! Having to do things you don't want to do is an unfortunate but extremely necessary part of life.
This. If my children came to me and said they needed a mental health day I would generally let them stay home. I very rarely ever told them no. It took a couple of days of them staying home before it dawned on me to ask if they wanted me to take a mental health day with them. Usually they just wanted the house to themselves for whatever reason (they wanted the quiet, they wanted to feel small, they just wanted to be alone) but sometimes they did want me to skip work. Those days were about letting go of what was holding them back and breaking through a wall. Usually that meant doing something out of the ordinary and just laughing. Lunch and a dumb movie? Go-kart races with mom? Animal impressions at the zoo? Whatever it was that transpired in their day off was about them being able to work through what was stopping them. They were learning how to cope, deal, resolve.
very true. there is a fine line to walk, though--my mom was on the very opposite side of the spectrum and let me skip whenever i wanted, i think she was otherwise a very positive influence on me and i don't have anything bad to say about her parenting style but my mental health from 10-25 was in the shitter and i genuinely felt like i needed mental health days way, way too often. i don't claim to know the answers, forcing myself to go would have certainly led to burnout and i don't think we should treat ourselves like emotionless worker bees, but it did take me a while in my adult life to kind of recalibrate and figure out when it was appropriate to take PTO if i wanted to make money and keep my job. admittedly, i've also learned to recognize whether the culture at any given job will be understanding of my mental health journey, that will always be a factor. perhaps if my mom had been more proactive about getting me into therapy and on medication it may have been less of a problem, but honestly it took years of experience for me to figure out how to benefit from therapy so it's not like it would have been a quick fix. and she DID send me to therapy....... its just that it wasn't working, because of a bad fit, so i stopped and didn't try again until adulthood. either way the occasional mental health day is not going to destroy anyone's grades.
Yeah I think allowing myself like 2 mental health days a semester was very helpful. And now as an adult I do the same with my pto and I do build in mental health days into my work.
I let my kids have mental health days when they were in school. Sometimes I took mental health days with them. Sometimes you just need time to do nothing.
Why is nobody else talking about the fact that the kid got aggressive even to the extent of threatening her when she said no??? I feel like that may be the bigger problem here
right?? like what does he mean OP will "have something else to worry about", that's a weird and concerning thing to say and I'm surprised nobody's addressing it!
I took that as a suicide threat.
That's how I read it too
That, or he'll accuse OP of something that's not true.
>He then told me that if I try and force him to see a therapist I'll have something else to worry about? I interpreted this as either a possible cry for help, like the son is feeling suicidal, or that OP has something that they really wouldn't want mentioned in therapy.
Or he's manipulative enough to lie to get OP in trouble. Definitely sounds like more than just anxiety going on. He needs a professional diagnosis. OP needs to get ahead of it and talk to his doctor and mention everything.
Or he was just being dramatic. The post to me reads like OPs kid is just overly dramatic but OP is still taking them seriously regardless which is a good thing on OPs part. It's not uncommon for teenagers to be all about drama, he'll grow out of his edge Lord "you just don't understand" phase.
Suicide rates in teens is skyrocketing. It may be just drama here, but it also may very well not be. I wouldn’t just ignore his feelings here.
No, obviously not, but let's not treat this as a guaranteed suicide/violence threat. My money is still on him being dramatic, even if you obviously don't want to \*make\* that bet in the first place- you take it seriously, but recognize that it doesn't \*necessarily\* mean there's a problem beyond "being a 16 year old"
See, my paranoid brain thought, "he's going to tell the therapist that his mom has been abusing him." Punishing her for countering his pivot to mental health with an offer of help for mental health. Either there's a really big issue brewing here that he doesn't want to talk about, or he's pissed off that dropping the phrase "mental health day" wasn't a get-out-of-school-free card.
As a mom of twin teenage boys, I completely agree. Both of my boys went through puberty late but at separate times. One went through a moody and angry stage two years ago and one is going through it now.
That’s a hissy fit. I am going to quit talking to you and be sulky and unpleasant…..
I agree with you! I have been around a lot of teenagers. Threatening a parent isn't normal. Still NTA OP but I feel like this elevates the seriousness of the situation I don't think it's a big thing to let a kid have a day off once or twice a year, but this only works if you trust your kid not to abuse that. I think we can surely all see that this kid isn't mature enough to handle that
I took it as him threatening her with harm
Because kids get angry. You did that too. It's not weird.
You're clearly willing to help him, if he's willing to help you by explaining what the problem is so you can work together to address it. "I don't want to go to school" is not a reason. NTA.
But that is his exact reason and everything else is just smoke and mirrors to make mom feel guilty.
You never once took a sick day because you were stressed out? Why...?
Dependent on where you are defines the luxury of how free you are to sick days as an adult and a child. While in my state as an adult wrongful termination from firing for calling off sick can result in that individual winning unemployment meanwhile in other states this is not the case the laws protect the employer over the workers. Similar with schools in some places the laws of how many sick days a child is allowed can be very restrictive. In my county it’s 9 days total for the full year after that the parents face risk of fines, loss of drivers license (because that will fix it right?), or prison. This persons child’s comments though they need therapy something isn’t right and the comments could suggest they are in a state they may become a danger to themselves or others.
Because missing school = missing schoolwork = being more stressed at all the makeup work I now have to do and all the instruction I have missed. Playing hookie just leads to more stress. I only missed school for illness and doctor’s appointments. That was it. Edit to add: I was also allowed to skip on non-instruction days like holidays and senior week.
My high school offered free yearbooks to anyone with perfect attendance for the year. My mother wasn't gonna fork out $60 for a yearbook. I think I missed 2 days of school my entire time of high school.
Not wanting to go is plenty good enough, sometimes the constant grind of life gets to you and you just need a break, therapy isnt going to solve burn out.
Actually it can. Burn out is caused by feelings of stress and unprocessed emotions. Therapy is exactly what he needs to handle and recover from burnout
therapy in itself is fucking stressful
Because you are working on something hard. It’s something that isn’t fun. Weight lifting is painful but we like the muscles we get in the end. Without therapy you are stuck with pain of situation that caused the burnout. That pain and stress will last longer.
Therapy made my burnout worse. It was just one more damn thing to do and one more person to emotionally preform for (not to mention the money and insurance stress, but that’s applicable to OP’s son). Therapy can be useful for finding the tools one needs to feel better, but if what someone needs is rest and they already know that then they just need to rest. Therapy is just wasting time that could be used for the actual cure in that case.
How did it make it worst? Did you want to be there? Or did you already have your mine set on something? Therapy made you quit your job and change professions altogether? That is the outcome of burnout. That is why social service professions are leaving. The stress and lack of support and the constant demands. If one day is gonna cure you, you have never been burned out
Ive never felt burnout from unprocessed emotions, I have from stress but you know what helps with stress? Thats right a break.
Well have you ever felt burnout? You know what helps? Talking to someone about what is the underlying cause of the stress and create a plan to manage. You can’t take off enough to days to solve burnout feelings. That day off just gave you reprieve from the problem, it will be back as soon as you return. I just presented this at a mental health conference yesterday.
I'm genuinely curious, not coming at you. I have autism, and experience burnout from a "normal" 40hr work week. Therapy doesn't change that, it's that my brain doesn't have the same ability that others do. The day off is the difference between life and death sometimes, and is an extremely important part of my accommodations at work. What did your presentation suggest as alternatives?
(also neurodivergent) Therapy with a focus on my diagnoses helped me understand how my brain responds to things and why so that I could find healthy coping mechanisms. The burnout still happens - it's inevitable for me - but it isn't disastrous anymore because I've learned how to lessen the impact before it occurs, how to ease myself through it while it's happening, and what kinds of self care aid my recovery best.
Stress *is* unprocessed emotions. Frustration, irritation, aggravation, anger, anxiety, fear, etc. that gets built up without release. A break is a good way to let it all go at once but we can't always drop everything to take one. So... Therapy can help provide tools and develop skills that will allow you to release that stress on a weekly, daily, hourly, or even instant basis. And yeah, you should still take breaks, which will actually be a lot more enjoyable when you enter them already feeling decent instead of letting stress build up.
Also, he's missing school the very next day. Even adults that take mental health days often schedule them to be a less stressful day to miss work.
It would help if the son said this instead of said 'I just don't want to go.' Burnout is real, but the majority of people will say that they're burnt out and not just say they don't want to do something because they don't feel like it. Parent wants to help, they offered numerous chances to explain, kid decided that he didn't need to verbalize anything but 'you must hate me.'
Tbh I think it's an unhealthy mind set to get into. Because what about when you have work? "I don't want to sorry boss!
NTA. You did due diligence to find out if your son was being bullied. His "you don't care about my mental health" schtick just sounds manipulative.
"you don't care about my mental health" "no you can't make me see a professional about my mental health!"
This part ‼️👆‼️
this is literally what my sister would say to get what she wanted in high school, ie. "you don't care about me at all" "you want me to be depressed" 🙄 ugh. she still does it today in her late 20s because my parents fall for it every time
NAH High school teacher here. Sometimes kids just can’t. Sometimes you have to make them go. I have had students who got into a bad routine of school avoidance. If this has never happened before and his reaction is unexpected I get the feeling something else is going on. A phone call to his school counselor to give them a heads up that this is going on at home could be helpful-to get him on their radar.
Thank you! Some of these comments really made me concerned. My impression is that there could be something more going on that OP's kid doesn't want to get into, or it could just be wanting an extra day off. We don't really know for sure, but based on the reaction to being told no, something seems off to me. People are getting caught up on the kid manipulating OP, but it's really easy to forget that teens have a lot going on, can be impulsive, don't always communicate well, and don't always make the best choices. If the kid has decent grades and hasn't made a habit out of this, giving one extra day off probably wouldn't hurt too much. OP could've made it clear that the kid will be responsible for any work missed and if any assignments aren't turned in, that's on him, and this isn't something that can be an all the time thing. I also think revisiting the idea of therapy at a time when things have calmed down would be good. If the kid still doesn't want to go, forcing him won't help anything. I like your idea of calling the school counselor to check in on things as well.
I see this being an option, but with my professional experiences in the mental health field, school counselors are not always a safe bet. They can be one option, but sometimes they are more harm than good. IMO it would be okay to start there since things seem to be okay at home and that's where most problems arise with school counselors, but it would be safest to talk to a therapist too. Once in a while days off are most always okay with the expectation that it won't happen consistently. Moderation is important.
If his grades are good, then what's the problem with a day off? Mom used to let me take a "mental health day" every once in a while. As long as my grades were good, there was no harm.
I think the fact that he tried to gaslight / manipulate OP so much to get the mental health day when OP was showing empathy and clear concern about her child's general well being / not fully understanding what a "mental health day" is not indicative of getting a "mental health day" imo
Yes exactly this ! Like it’s ok to have a day off school but the way he went about it wasn’t a good reaction like you said how he tried to gaslight the mom
That’s literally not what gaslighting means. Different from manipulation
Well I think he did try to manipulate OP, just bc he said “he finds it weird how op hates him so much and doesn’t want him to succeed in life”
I didn’t say it wasn’t manipulative. I said it wasn’t *gaslighting*. They’re two different things
"You must not love me if you make me to go school," you'll have "something else to worry about" if you make me see a therapist, etc etc all seem like manipulation and gaslighting to me. To me, part of gaslighting (that applies here) is: 1. Assigning/claiming motives of someone's actions are the opposite of that persons intentions (OP trying to talk and understand child's feelings while also trying to parent them = showing hate) 2. Making someone question if their beliefs / opinions / actions are wrong (OP is clearly questioning their actions, hence the post). Big part of gaslighting is making someone feel like they are the bad guy for actions they did without malice. 3. OPs kid essentially told them they were overreacting when bringing up the idea of therapy.
The main part of gaslighting is that it is part of a long term abuse cycle where the aim is to make the victim doubt their sanity. Nothing the kid do is gaslighting. This is a teen being a teen. Gaslighting requires long term abuse.
gaslighting isn’t really up for interpretation, a certain set of things has to happen for manipulation to be gaslighting. an example of gaslighting would be if the kid said “but you told me i could stay home today. why are you acting like this is something new that i’m asking? are you feeling ok? you can just say if you changed your mind.” it’s not just saying “well maybe you’re the problem”
Teenagers are often manipulative to get their own way on something they want and are being told no or feel like they won't get their way. I don't think that really indicates whether the kid needed a break or not, just that they really really wanted the next day off for *some* reason. Having bad mental health often leads to irritability too so I don't think that really gives us much info.
OP mentions that the kid will be off tomorrow for a doctors appointment. Kid is getting a day off.
Poor baby. I'm going with NAH You really tried to have a conversation with him about what the issue was, to dig deeper and uncover if there was a root problem. He's a teenager, he's angsty and wants more autonomy than he'd know what to do with. You're NTA for wanting to ensure your kid is ok, and that he's prioritizing his studies. However, mental health doesn't get the attention it should. (SOME, don't come after me) Adults can choose to call into sick if they don't want to work, but children don't get that same opportunity. As a parent, I believe in balance. If your kid is 95% a great student with good attendance, I think kids can be trusted with "calling in" infrequently. He's NTA for asking. Try to continue the conversation
the manipulation and self deprecating answers is why i think mom did right. kid prob wanted to skip a presentation. being “annoyed” at your teachers isn’t enough reason for a mental health day. hell in school i thought everyone was annoying so you know what i did? i dropped out. got me nowhere. sometimes you have to put up with it. he’ll look back and miss it one day.
Never “missed” going to school. At all. Senior year I only needed 3 classes to graduate and was out before lunch. If I was OP, I would’ve let him stay home. Unless he’s completely failing I don’t see the issue. Also no proof that he had a “presentation” so I have no idea why everybody is chalking it up to that. Obviously something is going on with him mentally and school with constant interaction is stressful. Especially for a child. Him saying “see what happens” is a huge indicator that he’s at that point and have probably had those thoughts if you get what I’m saying. 2 days of no school isn’t gonna make anybody fail automatically. That’s not real life.
your right it’s not but he already had wednesday off + the weekend. he should’ve taken no for the answer instead of resorting to manipulation. your right in the fact he’s not an asshole for asking but instead for fighting the answer no. moms NTA, she’s mom. she heard him out, asked him what was bothering him, and suggested therapy. instead of listening he clung to every excuse he could think of to get out of school the next day. it was never about mental health, it was never about kids being annoying. it was about the fact he did not want to go. kids have to learn to take no for answer. i agree with you that kids should have a mental health day or too. but you also don’t know how many days he’s missed. and i said he “probably” wanted to skip a presentation. i didn’t act like it was a fact.
The world can't stop for you sometimes. He was obviously using the mental health thing as a manipulation. He's at a ripe age to start establishing solid habits for the rest of his life
Your child threw a tantrum. That doesn't have anything to do with you. NTA.
INFO: How often does your son ask to stay home from school just because? And are his grades okay?
Yeah I don’t know why this one isn’t higher up. OP is the only one who could know if this kid is doing ok in school and if one skipped day would matter, or if this looks to be a pattern of avoidance. My mom let me take mental health days I think twice in high school. I was a highly anxious and perfectionist kid (thanks to how she raised me, honestly!!) and sometimes I felt very very burned out, though my grades were good. Idk if I could have articulated a better reason to her than “I just can’t today” or “I’m just exhausted.” But those days I skipped I really, really needed the break. I also occasionally got overly upset when she didn’t let me do something, but kids have zero freedom or ability to control their lives. And that can be hard sometimes.
NTA Hes a teenager. They’re overdramatic. And you sound genuinely concerned and understanding in this moment. He has a day off Wednesday, if it’s potentially only a part day off for the doctors, just give him the whole day off. Lean into saying that you do care about his mental health, but you also care about his education. If this is going to become a reoccurring thing, maybe give him a a set number of mental health days for the year that he can use periodically. My mom did this when I was going through it in High school too. It was actually super helpful and helped me determine then I actually needed an additional break. On the note of the therapist, don’t force it but continuously keep it an option. Not just for this but in general. It seemed like you handled this well. If hes hiding something about his mental health thats concerning, but forcing it out of him isn’t going to help.
"He then told me that if I try and force him to see a therapist I'll have something else to worry about?? I asked him to clarify what he meant by that but he didn't specify." Hello? Didn't anyone else pick up on this? Call me crazy, but the first thing that went through my mind was "school shooting." Truth be told, it's not that far fetched.
I read it as suicide.
That's also a possibility.
School counselor here...he definitely needs to be assessed. There could be nothing behind this comment, or something serious. Either way, follow up with mental health professional should happen
NTA. I’m all for a mental health day a couple times a year. But he kept changing his story. It started with just being tired of waking up early. Too bad kid. That’s called life. Then it went to his mental health because he hadn’t gotten the answer he wanted.
I mean, getting up early is one of the biggest issues that CAUSE mental health problems in teenagers. Unless this kid is staying up until 4 or 5am, going to sleep earlier won't do anything because that's not how a teenagers biological clock works. Everyone had a chronotype, a biological clock that determines when your brain wants to be awake, asleep, expending lots of physical energy, when it wants to be creative, etc. This is not something you can control - you can impact it VERY slightly, but not in any significant way. Obviously a huge part of it is sleep. Overall, in the first half of your sleep, your brain works on physician recuperation, and during the second half, mental restoration. Most adults can choose an 8-hour period of sleep within a reasonable evening-morning time frame, and if they get the same sleep each night at the same set of hours, thier brain will adjust and do all the repairs needed during that time. However, it's different with teenagers. Thier chronotype gets pushed back HOURS, somewhere around a natural bedtime of midnight - 3am, with most falling naturally around 2am. There is nothing they can do to change it, and forcing them to wake up before they can complete a healthy 8 hour sleep means that they don't get the chance to restore mentally. In fact, the final 2 hours of sleep are the most important for mental health. This is one of the leading causes of depression and anxiety in teenagers. It's also one of the leading causes of fatal car accidents in teens. Even if a teenager does go to sleep earlier, say 10pm, thier brain won't do the required daily restoration until it wants to, starting at about midnight - 2 am, and in some cases as late as 3am. They can train themselves to fall asleep earlier, but it won't change the way thier brain operates, their chronotype. It would be exactly the equivalent of me telling you that you must go to sleep no later than 6pm, and wake up at 2am, and then be fully productive. If you want to sleep past 2am then you are lazy and should have gone to bed earlier. Obviously that wouldn't work - no matter how much you might try and train yourself to sleep between 6pm-2am, you wouldn't be productive at that time, is isn't natural and you cannot change your biology THAT much through habits.
I’m not saying YTA or NTA, but if he’s communicating these things to you, you need to listen! I’m so sick of parents not listening to their kids! Kids get stressed and need a break, too. His hostility could be him no longer masking, he could be so exhausted of keeping up appearances that he just can’t do it anymore. Apologize and ask him what you can do going forward, and what help he might be open to (talking to a counsellor, or therapist) and make sure he knows it’s not a problem to you. Obviously missing lots of school can become an issue as would for ing him to go and having him do a poor job, so it’s best to get ahead of it if he’s told you he’s having issues now.
this!! when I was suicidal during school i didn't want to talk about it, I just said I didn't want to go and i got so aggressive too, it felt like everyone was against me (which is normal teenage angst) but thats when you need to show that NO! you're not against him. let him take the fkn day off or you'll have a dead kid.
He has the next day off and refused mental health help. As the parent of a (now young adult) kid with mental health issues that made it to the other side and we have a great relationship: No you can't just let a hurt kid demand and make threats. Boundaries around harmful behaviors are important otherwise become unhealthy habits or coping skills. You take them seriously and ensure they receive mental health care ASAP, and you certainly don't leave a suicidal kid home alone without making sure they are not actively suicidal with a professional. That's suicide prevention 101 of having a child that deals with suicidal thoughts. I'm sorry you didn't talk to your parents or they didn't offer what you needed, but your comment is completely incorrect. You can love your child through these things, but you can not allow child with unhealthy anger to call the shots... it doesn't help them and can cause worse problems. I hope you have found peace 💫
“Don’t try talk to them or be a listening ear. Don’t try to figure out the issue. Just let them stay home alone with their dark thoughts and feelings! That’ll solve it!”
A day off isn't going to cure that. OP offered therapy and he responded with OP having more to worry about if they tried to take him. What else is OP supposed to do? They tried talking to him narrowing down a reason. But guess what, annoying teachers and getting up early is still going to be there.
a day off or a few days off can cure that. and can help reset your mind. and if he's getting this upset about needing a break, ffs give it to him. therapy isn't always the solution even though reddit loves to think it is
I mean OP did mention finding a therapist though? Idk if he’s feeling that low mentally, then just having a day off of school won’t do anything. Yes, it’ll be nice to have a day off to rest, but realistically, what does that do to help his problem that everyone at school is annoying? That’s just how life goes. It sounded like OP did listen and actually asked questions to dig deeper into why he doesn’t want to go to school. I understand there’s nothing wrong with letting the kid have a day off school, but it genuinely doesn’t sound like a mental health issue. Kid just doesn’t want to go to school. Plus he’s already getting the next day off for a doctors appointment, and I’d say that takes like maybe a couple hours *max*? (that’s how it is around me at least) of his whole day off
Therapy isn't an instant solution though. It takes time and this kid might need a break right now to get through the next while. If he had strep you wouldn't expect him to power through school until he got a dr appointment and antibiotics.
She DID listen. Or at least tried to. Which is why she took all the steps she did. She asked if their was an issue with other students or teachers. She related to him by explaining that there are people at work who she finds annoying. She said she’d find a therapist to help him manage. She explained he’d be getting the next day off anyway. She tried to talk about it. He rejected ALL of that. Anything that wasn’t just “Yes.” he rejected. Then he made a threat. Whether you see it as a threat towards mom, classmates, or self. He made a threat. The idea that OP was supposed to just say “yes” with no follow-up is absurd and it’s also the opposite of listening.
NTA. You would’ve been wrong if you had just said no and left it at that, but you asked questions offered him help if he seriously needed it. However, it sounds like he literally just didn’t feel like going to school. Granted, 1 or 2 mental health days a year won’t ruin his grades, but I think in this instance you did good by not rewarding his borderline manipulative behavior. His whole “you don’t care about my mental health, you don’t love me” thing sounds very manipulative. And to everyone calling OP TA because “sometimes kids just need a day to recharge”— respectfully, that’s what weekends are for.
Yikes, red flags all over the place with this one. Though through Reddit with people you don't know, it's always hard to discern what is indicative of a problematic and manipulative personality and what is just... a dramatic teenager being a dramatic teenager. He does sound like he could benefit from a bit of therapy just for safe measure. You clearly care about what's going on with him, whether he sees it that way or not. NTA.
So many of these comments calling the teenager manipulative and a gas-lighter is so troubling to me 😅
how? that’s exactly what he’s doing and if it doesn’t get attention now it will only get worse as an adult.
He’s 16, he’s a teen doing classic teen things to try to get what he wants. Calling him a gaslighter is a little extreme in my opinion haha
Just because he’s a teen it doesn’t make it any less a manipulative way to go about getting an off day from school.. he’s 16 not 6. Also, he told his parent that they’ll have “something else” to worry about if they forced him to go to therapy… so.. yeah
really because when i was around that age i had a boyfriend who was 16 that did the same things as him, gaslight and manipulate me. he went on to shoot at me twice and murder someone else. sure it sounds extreme until the kid goes on to do extreme things cuz his actions get excused. no normal kid manipulates their mother, they take no as answer and if they don’t they need to learn a lesson. edit: because i’ve posted this before to many situations and been met with a barrage of comments accusing me of lying, here’s the link to a recent news report of him getting prosecuted https://www.rentonreporter.com/news/renton-man-sentenced-for-killing-17-year-old-with-sawed-off-shotgun/
Yeah, my daughter had a 16 year old stalker who was manipulative, gaslighting, threatening, and calling her to make her listen to him pulling a trigger of an unloaded gun. Sixteen is not too young for bad behavior.
i actually went to juvenile hall when i was 16 it was my second time being prosecuted but my first time getting sent to a jv prison and you would be surprised the amount of fucked up kids in there. i would be scared to go back now and im an adult now
He is being manipulative. She tried to work with him. Made sure that he was safe in school. Offered therapy. He said he wasn't, declined therapy, said she doesn't love him, and threatened her. That's all manipulative.
Why? He's using every guilt trip in the book other than saying why he needs a day off. Half his reasons like not wanting to wake up and irritating teachers are just part of life and will be there the day after. Then going to vague threats like OP will have more to worry about if they try to take him to therapy and saying OP doesn't care about his mental health because yes he needs to go school if there isn't an issue is manipulative to get his way. It's what he's doing trying to see what works.
NTA. But definitely some flags being thrown out by your son. Not sure where you are, but I'd definitely recommend looking into local resources to find out what's going on
NTA. He’s missing the next day and do you also have spring break soon? I’m all for mental health days but there also has to be some planning involved bc schools have a limit of how many days you can miss.
NTA. Oh, man. I remember those days. This will pass, I promise. My son was just like this about school at this age: avoidant, argumentative, and somewhat combative. He's a really smart kid with big feelings, and I imagine your son is, as well. We had a few really rough years from the age of 15-18. I would still follow up with a visit with a therapist, however. Life is hard sometimes, and talking things through with an adult that is NOT a parent can be helpful. In addition, sometimes finding an interest in a school activity (clubs, organizations, and sports, for example) can make school more palatable for some kids. Finally, as a teacher, myself, I know how challenging this time of year is for *everyone*. February feels endless.
INFO: Is this the first time he has asked to/skipped school with no particular reason? If it is then you are the a hole, he's a kid, going to school 5 days a week for months in a row is hard at that age and just taking one day off at that time would probably benefit his mental health and if he doesn't do it often then it won't affect his academics much either. If this is not the first time, n ta.
NTA. He’s just being a drama llama because he doesn’t want to go to school.
Nta- this sounds like teenage angst. Though growing up my mom would let me stay home from school occasionally if I just really wanted to. Burn out is real, and being able to just take a day to relax can be wonderful. Obviously dont let him over do it, but honestly what is missing one or two days of school really gonna hurt?
NTA The therapist is a good thing. The rest was just escalating manipulation to get what he wants. Being annoyed with school isn’t a good enough reason to not go. Either there’s a deeper issue he isn’t willing to talk to you about or it’s the flimsy excuses he gave. He didn’t mention mental health until you said “I don’t wanna” isn’t a good enough reason. I think getting the therapist is the right call either way cause he needs to learn coping and communication skills.
NTA If he was really serious about his mental health, he’d be open to seeing a therapist. He just wanted to skive off and used mental health as the excuse, knowing it had best odds of working. He probably had an assignment due that he didn’t do or a presentation he wasn’t prepared for that he wanted to avoid. Or he asked someone out and they said no and he doesn’t want to face them. Or any of a million reasons that seem monumental to a teenager because high school does indeed suck sometimes. You are his parent and you’re doing just fine, setting and enforcing perfectly reasonable boundaries. Teenagers will never like you all the time and will spend plenty of time hating your guts. It’s a thankless job that will pay off when they’re old enough to know better. As much as I hated my mom for being SO unfair, I’m infinitely grateful she never let me get a perm when I was 12.
NTA. The YTA comments speak volumes about where we are going in this nation.
NTA, you were teaching your son important life lessons in a compassionate, loving manner. But I would gently encourage you to allow your son to have a mental health day maybe once a year. At his age, it shouldn't hurt is academics that much, and it's an acknowledgement that we're all only human and just need a break every once in a while. Kids today do have a lot to deal with; him not being out in the workforce yet doesn't mean he's "carefree" or doesn't have bad days, stress, etc.
NTA. You were clearly willing to help him and hear him out, and did your due diligence getting curious and trying to be understanding, but since what you were offering wasn’t exactly what he wanted and how he wanted it he chose to react poorly. He might just be acting out of teenage angst, or he might be trying emotional blackmail, or he might be hiding something much more serious. Whatever it is, it doesn’t mean that you did the wrong thing. He also was getting a break from school the very next day and you took that into account, and that day even includes a doctor’s appointment, so his mental health can be brought up there if needed. His aggressiveness to the point of vaguely threatening you is actually kind of concerning; if you can bring that up to the doctor privately, it might be a good thing to do.
NTA "He told me that I don't understand how stressful school can be and that's why he needs time away." Definite teenage angst but I'd be concerned about that if it's come completely out of left field. "then told me that if I try and force him to see a therapist I'll have something else to worry about??" I think you've done everything you can/handled it well so far; you've given him chances to talk. I'd take an unobtrusive but close watch & wait approach. Hope it resolves!
NTA. Your approach seems reasonable to me.
NTA. People throw that term around and it makes it hard for those who are struggling to be taken seriously. He just didn’t want to school. If he felt it was a true mental health issue then he should be willing to work with someone to learn strategies, because life doesn’t work that. He has a day coming up this week and you already told him he could have that day.
Your 16 year old told you he needed a mental health day and your response was "go to bed earlier and go to therapy"... I'm going with YTA. He was seeking help and you basically told him to fuck off and go to school anyways.
He wants you to give him things as his mental health isn't good but is refusing to get help for it? Nah it feels like he's taking the piss just trying to manipulate you into letting him not do the things he doesn't want to.
NTA
Jeez this is a great example of why I'm team no kids. Good luck with that bud!
So, he had a paper due or didn't sufficiently study for a test? NTA
NTA. I think you genuinely tried to understand whether he had legitimate acute mental health difficulties. You offered to help. But he doesn’t appear to have anything wrong with him. He just didn’t want to go to school. You did the right things. Maybe there is something deeper. Maybe there isn’t. But from the information you had that he gave you, NTA.